Bigfoot or Bust (2022) Movie Script

(thrilling music)
(footsteps thudding)
(thrilling music)
- Rusty, pick up, come on.
(phone rings)
- Hi, did you get him?
- No, no, not yet.
He's about 500 yards up.
This time, we're gonna get him.
You gotta meet me at
spit fork right now.
- I'm so happy, I
could just kiss you!
- Now that's just wrong.
- Why?
- Because you're my sister.
- Oops, keep forgettin'.
- Yeah, just get on with it.
Meet me up there.
(thrilling music)
- I'm so excited!
(thrilling music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(both shouting)
I thought you were Bigfoot!
- Quit you're talking,
he's right over there.
- Where?
- Shh.
Go, go, go.
Get going.
(thrilling music)
- [Rusty] He's not here!
- [Wally] What do you
mean he's not there?
- [Rusty] He got away.
- Oh, no, he got away.
Well, you know what?
Next time we're gonna give
him the red carpet treatment.
- The red carpet
treatment? (giggles)
I'm ready for my
closeup! (laughs)
Now find him!
- Get going.
(upbeat country music)
(upbeat country music)
Ho, huh
Ho, huh, ho
(upbeat country music)
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunts)
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunts)
(dramatic music)
(Bigfoot grunts softly)
(dramatic music)
(woman screams)
(woman gasps)
(phone rings)
- Hello?
- Hey Penny, it's Dr. Dawn.
- Hi, Dr. Dawn.
- How are you?
- I'm doing great, how are you?
- Listen, there's been
a bunch of Bigfoot
sightings in the area.
I'm so excited.
And I really think that
he's close this time.
So I've been talking to some
of the girls from the team,
and I thought what we'd do
is we'd get together again.
I really think this
time we might find him.
- Oh my God, I just
had the craziest dream.
I dreamt Bigfoot was stalking
me, and there he was.
- That's kind of an omen.
- I think it is.
- So the girls are
all getting ready
to come tomorrow morning.
I've also got an ad on
Craigslist for a new girl.
So we'll meet here
tomorrow, nine o'clock?
- Okay, that's perfect.
See you then.
- Bye.
- Pull!
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
(rifle cocks)
(rifle blasts)
- You never miss.
(rifle cocks)
Whoa, whoa, easy,
easy. (chuckles)
Don't shoot.
- What are you doing here?
- Just though I'd
check on my sis.
- Yeah, well, I'm
doing just fine.
You can go now.
- Mm, yeah, you seem real fine.
God, you're still so angry.
I mean, Jess, it's
been five years.
When are you gonna let this go?
- When are you gonna give a
shit that our father's dead?
- You don't think that this
kills me every single day, huh?
It was a horrible accident.
He was in the wrong
place at the wrong time.
- It was about a bunch of
greedy hunters out for Bigfoot.
And again, he got away.
And our father lost
his life because of it.
And it's gonna happen
to somebody else
unless this damn
beast is caught.
(gentle music)
- All right, why
don't you get him?
- What?
- Come on, Jess.
You're the best shot in
this neck of the woods.
If anyone could hunt
him down, it's you.
Do it.
Do it for dad.
- I love you, Billy.
- Love you too, kiddo.
Now, gear up and go get him.
(upbeat rock music)
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine
(tires rumbling)
(horns honking)
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Yay, Peggy!
- I haven't seen
you for so long!
- Yay!
Yay, Peggy! (squeals)
The whole team is
back together again.
- Oh, I'm so excited.
- Good to see you again.
- Hi, Tilly.
- You look great.
- And this is, Daisy.
- Hi!
I'm Daisy May.
- She answered the
add in Craigslist,
and I thought she was perfect.
So Daisy's not done this before,
so we're gonna teach her.
- This is my first
time, first time.
- And then, Tilly, you're
gonna be showing her
how to do the
sword and the toys.
- Yes, I am.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- And Penny, you're gonna
be showing her how we
use our sensuality to--
- To be sexy.
- Oh, I heard he likes booties.
And I heard Bigfoot
likes big titties.
(Dawn laughs)
(jugs of water sloshing)
- So we're gonna seduce him out,
but this time we're
gonna find him.
And I even heard that
they've had these wolf calls,
like woo, hoo, hoo!
You know, the Bigfoot
making noises.
- But like is the local
news gonna be here?
Is like CNN?
- Oh, when we get
selfies with Bigfoot,
and then when we
actually interview him,
oh, we're gonna
have so much press.
- But like how long do
you think it's gonna be
before we get famous?
- Oh, right away.
- Yeah, it's instant.
- Right away.
- Then I'm in, I'm in, I'm in.
- So do you guys have
outfits for the hunt?
- I do, I do, I do.
- Yeah, sexy stuff?
Okay, let's change.
- Let's do it.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
(upbeat country music)
- Hi, my name is Penny Blossom,
and I'm an internet influencer.
I have a lot of
people following me,
and I have sponsors that pay
me money because they like me.
They think I'm cute.
But the main reason is I
get visited from celebrities
that have passed away
and they come and see me
because they tell
me I'm special.
- Hi, I'm Dr. Dawn.
This is gonna be my third
expedition to find Bigfoot.
And this time we're
gonna find him.
I'm so excited.
I've actually been an
enthusiastic about Bigfoot
since I was a little
girl in England,
and I was part of
the Girl Guides.
Girl Scouts over here,
but that, you know,
we're more hardcore in England.
- I'm Daisy May.
I'm a stripper by trade,
but I'm trying to
make a career change
and become a successful
famous person.
So what happened was
I'm at my strip club,
and I'm talking to
one of my regulars.
And his friend comes in and
says, "Guess what, Charlie?"
That's my regular.
"There is a Bigfoot out in
the woods on the loose."
- My name is Tilly Takahashi.
I'm half-German
and half-Japanese.
My mother was German,
and she named me Tilly
because I have
bravery and strength.
And my father gave me his
sword on his deathbed.
So I travel with
it wherever I go.
Even in the forest, even
when I'm on the bathroom.
You know why?
Because Bigfoot can sneak
up on you in the forest.
Even when you're
popping a squat!
- Ahoy maties, I'm Jesse
James from Bigfoot or Bust.
And I have a plan to come
back and prove to everyone
that Bigfoot exists and
bring him back alive.
But in my care.
I have a way of taming beasts.
- Hi, I'm Rusty Ready.
I'm Wally's sister.
Well, I used to think
we were cousins,
but I found out he's my brother,
which is so strange because
also there's a rumor
in our family that we're
related to Bigfoot.
And it's been my dream since I
was a little, little, little,
little, little girl to capture
Bigfoot, and I'm gon do it.
If I have to entice him
any way I can. (giggles)
- Hi, I'm Wally, and I am a
lean, mean killing machine.
- Lean?
- I even got firepower
because the number one thing
that's on my plate
right now is Bigfoot.
He's mine.
I'm gonna get very large
amounts of money for that thing.
Big smelly turd.
By the way, these are my horses.
(sheep bleating)
This is my farm.
You go on my website
anytime you want
because I can teach you how
to ride one of them horses.
(upbeat country music)
- Okay, ladies, are we locked
and loaded and ready to go?
- Yes, we are.
I got my crossbow.
- Ready to shoot.
- Woo!
- My darts.
- Now, Daisy, I have
an instrument here.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna give you this.
This is a tranquilizer
gun, right?
Just 'cause it's your
first time and everything.
- What does it do?
- If he gets close,
you're gonna,
you're gonna shoot him with it.
- Okay, okay, where?
In the butt, right, in the butt?
- I say in the butt.
- In the butt, in the butt?
- Oh no, no.
We need to shoot
him in the balls.
- In the balls?
- Ooh, nasty!
- I mean, if he's
not cooperating.
- Like that!
- Yeah, exactly.
- And so you know the
one action where you.
- Okay.
- Yeah, there you go.
There you go.
- Like that!
- Right.
- And then that.
- And also Penny will cover you.
Hopefully you won't shoot
one of us, but if you do.
- I have Narcan in my backpack.
- Oh, well that would help.
- Okay, but if I shoot
him in the balls,
how are we gonna do
a good interview?
I thought you said
there's gonna be
like news crews from
all over the world.
- We'll do the selfies first,
and if he's not cooperating,
then you shoot him in the balls.
- I don't think this--
- We'll tell you.
We'll tell you when
to do it, yeah.
Right, are we ready?
- Yeah.
- Are we ready to go?
- Yes.
- Yeah, let's do it ladies!
Let's go!
(mellow rock music)
Desire, it's burning
It's fire in your eyes
The heat of the moment
I'm murder in disguise
Can't stop ya,
now I've been away
Won't be a fool
Not how you win or lose,
it's how you play the round
Get to the point, oh
The point of seduction
(suspenseful music)
(tires screeching)
(car door slams)
(phone rings)
(phone beeps)
- Yeah, what's up, Jess?
- Billy, you're not gonna
believe what just happened.
I'm driving my Jeep, and
Bigfoot just ran across the road
right in front of my Jeep.
- Did you shoot him?
- I got out, I ran with my
gun, but I couldn't catch him.
But can you believe that?
- All right, look, be careful,
regroup and take
care of business.
- I'll get him, don't you worry.
All right, keep you posted, bye.
(electricity whirring)
- Is everyone all right?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Okay, good.
What year is it?
- 2022.
- Well, at least it's not 2020.
(audience laugh track)
Where is Bigfoot?
- We're gonna find out.
(energy whirring)
I see him.
- Let's go that way.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Where'd you last see Bigfoot?
- Well, last time
he got really close,
but we were watching
for the droppings.
We were looking on the ground
to see if we could
see any, any...
- You mean the poop?
- Wait, wait, hold
it, hold it, guys.
This thing is so heavy.
I just don't know what to
do, I can't carry it anymore.
- Yeah, me too, this
is really heavy.
- Okay, come on, girls.
Use your brain, put
it in your backpack.
(suspenseful music)
- Hey there, sweetheart.
First I got your daddy,
and now I got his kin.
(dramatic music)
(Rusty grunts)
(body thuds)
(women gasp)
Adios, doll. (laughs)
(Rusty laughs maniacally)
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(suspenseful music)
- Oh my God, did you
bitches just hear that?
- That's Bigfoot,
it's gotta be Bigfoot!
- That has to be something,
that was really big.
- Yes, let's get him!
- Come on, girls, let's go!
- Let's do this.
- Oh my God, are you sure?
Okay, I guess I really
wanna get famous.
- What is that?
(women chattering)
- Someone's hurt!
- Oh!
- Oh my God, you guys.
Is she dead?
Is she dead?
- Dr. Dawn, you're a doctor.
Is she dead?
- It's Jesse.
- Well, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.
You're a doctor,
you can help her.
- You're a doctor?
She's a doctor.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, she is a doctor.
- Well, I'm not that
kind of a doctor.
- Oh!
She's alive.
She's alive.
- What, are you okay?
Are you okay?
- Oh my God.
- You've broken something?
- You okay?
You need help.
- No, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
- You guys, she's alive.
- Jesse, what are
you doing here?
- Holy cow.
Some freaking, whatever
the hell that was.
- Bigfoot!
- Are you guys looking
for Bigfoot too?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- Are you looking for Bigfoot?
- Yes.
- Did you find him?
- He snuck up on me.
- Bigfoot threw
you off the bridge?
- Was he stinky?
- I think so.
- Oh my God, you're
so lucky to be alive.
- I know.
- I know.
- You were so close.
Did you feel him,
did you smell him?
- I, I, I could...
I could sense that he was
there or something was there.
And then I just saw his.
- I'm amazed, there's
not even any blood.
- Here, help her
up, help her up.
- We were right, okay.
- Can you stand up?
- Oh, I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm good.
- You wanna join us?
- I mean, really?
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah.
- [Jesse] I think that
would be fricking awesome.
- Woo!
- Yay, honey!
- There's not a scratch on you.
- All right, guys.
- Let's go.
- Come on, yeah.
- This a-way.
- Okay.
- And stay clear of that
bridge, for the love of God.
- There's not a
scratch on you, bitch.
And you still look good.
(letters whooshing)
- He's gotta be out
there somewhere.
- You know, I think it's
time for Bigfoot calling.
- Yeah, Tarzan style.
- Oh.
(women yelling)
- Is it working?
(women yelling)
- Bigfoot!
- Let's try Jane style.
- What's Jane style?
- Like.
(high-pitched yelling)
- Oh.
(high-pitched yelling)
- Like a girlie one.
(high-pitched yelling)
Is he coming?
Let's try ape style, like.
(Dawn grunting)
- Oh, okay.
(women grunting)
- [Dawn] Yeah, put with it.
(women grunting)
Like put it in.
(women grunting)
- Maybe we need to
try something else.
- Try this one.
(high-pitched screeching)
- Okay.
(loud screeching)
- No, no, you need to be
louder than that, Penny.
Like this.
(high-pitched screeching)
- Okay, let me try.
(loud screeching)
- [Dawn] No, no, like this one.
(high-pitched screeching)
- Okay.
(low buzzing)
melodramatic music)
- Okay, that has gotta do it.
- That has to do it.
Do you see him yet?
- No.
(quirky whooshing)
We need some like
real sound system.
- Yeah, maybe we can try and
find a real sound system,
and that would work.
- Yeah.
- I bet that would work.
- There's gotta be one
round here somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Do you think he's close?
- I think I smell him.
- Yeah.
We are real close,
I smell him too.
All right, team.
We need to remember
why we are here.
- But why are we here?
- Yeah, why are we here?
(audience laugh track)
- To get Bigfoot's droppings.
- You mean we're here
looking for shit?
- Yeah.
No, I mean, for
medicinal purposes,
we need his droppings.
In 2050, Bigfoot droppings
are worth trillions
and trillions.
- Wow.
- All we need is just two or
three of those big babies,
and we'll be trillionaires.
(women squeal)
- That is great, oh my God!
- Get it together, let's go.
- Droppings, shit.
- This is gonna be the third
time that I've done this.
The call me Dr. Dawn
because I'm a doctor.
I have a PhD from Oxford
in chemical engineering.
Actually it was a little,
little college down the road
from the regular Oxford.
And it's actually in
paranormal science.
But you know, I don't
tell the girls that.
I'm a little on the edge,
and I'm not sure that,
you know, they all
really appreciate that.
- I had an Elvis sighting,
and he asked me
if he can help me.
And I go, "Yeah, sure.
"But you're not really
Elvis, are you?"
He goes, "No, I'm Elvis.
"No one can see me, but
you because you're special.
"And I'm making an appearance."
I said, "Can I get a selfie?"
So I took a selfie, and
I turned around to finish
putting the gas on, he just
disappeared into thin air.
- And this particular Bigfoot is
really attracted to white
girls with big booties.
Like mine.
- You might wonder why I
joined this expedition.
Well, I felt like the
girls could use my help
because I have sword skills!
I think I'm very strong.
And I don't think Bigfoot
is gonna stand a chance
against me, even though
I'm much smaller than him.
It doesn't matter,
I've got brains too.
And he's just a big oaf.
What is he doing wandering
around the forest all the time?
- Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, look, look.
- [Tilly] Is that an animal?
- It's a clue, it looks...
- Oh my God.
- Oh no, it looks like.
- It stinks.
- What is that stench?
Ew, ew, ew.
- It smells.
- Ew, ew, ew.
- Does it smell like him?
- What is it?
- Oh.
- I don't wanna smell it.
I can smell it from here,
don't get closer, no!
- You can see the skin
underneath if you look.
- Oh no, it's fresh.
- It came from his butt?
- Well, this looks like
where the legs would be.
- Maybe he's hurt.
- Yeah, maybe he's hurt.
Maybe somebody cut him.
- Well, he hurt
me, good for him.
- So wait a second.
Does this mean
we're one more step
closer to finding Bigfoot?
So we're one step closer
to getting famous?
- No, I think what
happened was he--
- Oh my God, I'm so excited.
- He's gotta be close.
- Okay, let's go find him.
- Yeah.
- Okay, find him.
- This is my moment.
I'm getting famous.
I'm brave.
Here we go!
- Oh my God.
(thrilling music)
Oh my God.
Guys, unless that's a
mirage, that is a trampoline!
- A what?
- Trampoline.
- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.
- Just like that?
- Let's go check it out!
(women cheering)
- Let's go jump on it!
(women cheering)
- God, freaking awesome.
- Oh my God, I love trampolines.
(women cheering)
Oh, I am so excited!
I love trampolines.
- Who's gonna go first?
- Me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, I'm always last.
I'm going first.
No, I'm always fucking last.
I'm going first,
bitches, I go first.
- Wait.
Did you know there's
actually scientific evidence
that squeaky springs are
gonna excite Bigfoot?
- Really?
- Wow.
- So if we jump really high,
we could get him all excited,
and he could come down to us.
- I'm really good at
making beds squeak.
So let me see what I can do.
- Okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just, just, guys, be careful
though, because you know,
if he does appear, you
got, you got, you know.
- Are we ready?
- We're ready.
- Oh my God, I'm so excited!
Come on, yo, yo, yo
- I need to be free!
Free the boobies,
free the boobies!
Don't blame me if you sat
on the bench at your prom
What a joke that you're broke
and you live with your mom
I bet your man watching me
and you lay there and sob
He hasn't touched
you in years
'Cause you're a
fuckin' bachelor
So bam, you think
I'm such a disgrace
Bam, get out of my face
So bam, could give
a shit what you say
So bam, sounds to me
like you need to get laid
Bam, I'm fucking
smoking them all
Bam, you're giving head
at last call, oh my
Bam, you hatin'
'cause you don't shine
So bam, get a life and
stay the fuck outta mine
You're sad your tits are
hanging down to your knees
You fuckin' wish you were
my smokin' 34 double Ds
You got nothing else to do
but take it all out on me
You know you trippin',
fuckin' trippin'
On what you wish
you could be
Plus your acne's so bad
that it left you with scars
Is that what's behind how
fuckin' jealous you are
We each lose
control the destiny
Yo, where we goin' how far
Want sweet revenge
'cause in the end
You know damn
well who's a star
So bam, you think
I'm such a disgrace
Bam, get out of my face
Bam, I could give
a fuck what you say
So bam, sounds to me
like you need to get laid
Bam, I'm fuckin'
smokin' them all
Bam, you're giving
head at last call
Bam, you hatin'
'cause you don't shine
So bam, get a life and
stay the fuck outta mine
Now I know y'all get
them haters that hate ya
But you gotta
know they jealous
Or mad they can't date you
So let them talk they smack,
go ahead and berate you
'Cause what's
killing them the most
Is they know that
they ain't you
Yo, homie did you get a wife
I bet you're alone,
hitting the pipe
And I'm here with Rocky
spittin' on the mic
I bet you wish now
that you had my life
All the hell I was
put through by you
You went to jack my ass
everyday after school
I realize now you're
an insecure fool
Wishing you was the one
making all the boys drool
Man, they all
drooling over you girl
So bam, you think
I'm such a disgrace
Bam, get out of my face
Bam, I could give
a fuck what you say
So bam, sounds to me
like you need to get laid
Bam, I'm fucking
smoking them all
Bam, you're giving
head at last call, ooh
Bam, you hating
'cause you don't shine
So bam, get a life and
stay the fuck outta mine
You gotta make your mark
before the years roll by
You can't blame someone
else because you didn't try
You shoulda hit the gym,
use the wrinkle cream
Got off your lazy ass,
followed your dream
And when the fog clears
up maybe then you'll see
That it's you you fuckin'
hate, it was never me
(women shouting)
So bam
(Bigfoot grunting)
- Ugh, we've been
traveling over an hour.
I'm getting tired.
- I know, me too, I'm tired.
- Oh, come on, girls buck up.
(audience laugh track)
- Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't we do our number?
- You mean the one we rehearsed
to attract the creature?
- Yeah, our dance.
- I can't believe it,
but I think you two have finally
come up with a great idea.
I think it's time to
do the port-a-Johnny.
(upbeat music)
(mystical tinkling)
(flames whooshing)
It's all through
I don't want you
The hell you put me through
I don't like you
Ooh, I found someone new
And I'm done with you
So don't come knockin'
on my back door
With the same old
stuff I heard before
I had enough, I
don't want no more
And don't come knockin'
on my back door
You don't own me
You can't buy me
Tried to control me
Just wanted you to hold me
Ooh, you said
you'd die for me
But all you did
was lie to me
So don't come knockin'
on my back door
With the same old
stuff I heard before
I had enough, I
don't want no more
Don't come knockin'
on my back door
You got the best of me
There ain't much left of me
Leave me alone
These are the
rules from now on
And these are the
rules from now on
So get out of my
life and move on
And don't come knockin'
on my back door
With the same old
stuff I heard before
I had enough, I
don't want no more
Don't come knockin'
on my back door
You got the best of me
There ain't much left of me
Leave me alone
And don't you come knockin'
Don't you come knockin'
Don't you come knockin'
On my back door, wow
(Bigfoot grunts)
(Bigfoot grunting)
- Where's that coming from?
- I heard it too.
- I think over there.
- Over there.
- Yeah, I kinda hear
it from over there.
- I can't tell which
direction it's coming from.
- Why don't we
just split up then?
- You wanna split up?
- Jesse and I will go this way.
You three go that way,
and we'll meet up
around the other side.
- So we're gonna split up?
- Yeah, we're gonna split up.
- Okay, go with God, bitches.
Go with God.
(suspenseful music)
- How you feeling, Jesse?
- I'm good.
You know, Sox went down.
Henry's Burger Grill closed.
They just shot the final
season of Schitt's Creek,
which sucks.
Which really sucks.
Although it kind of feels
like we are in Schitt's Creek.
But that red M&M, I'm so
excited they bought back.
They're making it by the
bag full, and that's good.
- Jesse, I'm being serious.
You took quite a fall.
Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
No worries.
- I am worried.
I'm a doctor, it's
my job to be worried.
- I thought you were some
sort of paranormal doctor?
- I am, but I'm also a doctor
of internal medicine as well.
- Oh, that's quite impressive.
- Let's take off your
shirt, let me examine you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait
a minute, I just met you.
You're not gonna at least
buy me a drink or something?
- (chuckles) So silly, let
me just take your shirt.
- Oh, man.
(jugs of water sloshing)
- Okay, I need to look at
your neck and your spine.
I'm a bit concerned.
Does it hurt right there?
- Ow, yes!
- I'm sorry, that's a hematoma.
- What the hell is that?
- Well, that's not another that
that's where blood is collected
under the skin where
the injury was.
Are you feeling dizzy?
- Yeah, a little, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm a little concerned
you've got a concussion.
Just don't go to sleep.
Don't take a nap for
at least six hours.
- Why is that?
- Because you might not wake up.
(melodramatic music)
(Bigfoot roaring)
- Did you hear that?
- What?
- Nothing.
- Put your shirt on, we should
go catch up with the girls.
- Okay.
You go ahead, and I'll catch up.
(mysterious grunting)
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(leaves crunching)
- He's gotta be close.
I mean, those sounds are
getting louder and the tracks.
You know, you're lucky
when he came up behind you
on the bridge that
he didn't hurt you.
Jesse, where'd you go?
- It's so hot.
I don't think we
went the right way.
- No.
- I don't know.
I wish there was some
way we could cool off.
- I put my hair up.
It's not helping.
- It's getting hotter.
- Yeah, I don't know what to do.
- Well, I'm a stripper, so
I'm gonna start stripping.
- Oh, that sounds
like a good idea.
- Hey, I don't know.
- You know what?
- It's not a party
until we all do it.
- Don't we have water
bottles in our backpacks.
- I've got some water.
- I know what you're thinking.
All of the boys
thought it was a dream
- Ta-da!
So many faces, don't
know what's real
Screaming in the night
How can I know
what's wrong or right
Caught in the middle of love
- [Penny] Much better.
Living in love
Caught in the middle of love
(Bigfoot grunting)
- [Daisy] Touch the
booty, touch the booty.
The booty gets hot too.
Turn to the left,
put up a fight
I'm upside down, you
know it's not right
- This feel so much
better, oh my God.
- Ow!
Which way to turn
Caught in the middle of love
(Bigfoot grunting)
Living in love, caught
in the middle of love
(static buzzing)
- Hi, I'm Director Jim Wynorski,
and I'm stopping
this film right now.
There's just too
much gratuitous sex.
(pies slapping)
(suspenseful music)
(guns clicking)
(gunshots blasting)
- Jesse?
- Freeze!
- (gasps) Who are you?
- Who the hell are you?
- I'm Dr. Dawn from
the Dr. Dawn Show!
- Dr. Dawn.
- Who's that?
- The Dr. Dawn Show was
canceled 20 years ago.
- Well, who are you,
where are you from?
- We're from 2050, and
we're here hunting Bigfoot.
- We were here first,
we're hunting Bigfoot.
- We're the ones that
are gonna hunt Bigfoot
because we need his crap.
- Oh no, you're not.
- Yeah, and it's
worth trillions.
- You're telling me that
you are collecting his poop?
- We're getting his poop.
- Bigfoot is passing gold bars?
- Practically, and
we're gonna be rich!
- Yes!
- That's right.
- I'm a scientist,
this is fascinating.
What are you gonna do with it?
- Doesn't matter what you think
because we have the big guns.
- Oh yeah, well
look at these guns.
(balloons bouncing loudly)
- She's got pretty big guns.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Those are...
(audience laugh track)
big guns.
Well, what about yours?
- We got big guns too.
- Mm-hmm.
(audience laugh track)
- So you are out.
- You're not gonna hurt him
with those guns, are you?
- No, we're just gonna
scare the poop out of him.
(woman laughs)
- What do you do in the future?
What is this poop gonna be for?
(woman laughs)
I need to know about this, I
need to know about everything.
- All right, enough of this.
- Well, tell me
about the future.
What is it about?
- I'm gonna zap her.
(energy whirring)
All right, that's
good, let's go.
- Okay.
- Jesse?
(upbeat music)
(letters whooshing)
- Whoo!
- Whoo hoo!
- Hey, let's try
some Bigfoot calling!
- Oh yeah, let's do that.
- Let's try it.
(party favors blasting)
- [Dawn] Bigfoot!
(cow mooing)
(whistle blowing)
- Whoo!
Come out, come out, Bigfoot!
Okay, that one again,
that one again.
(party favor blasting)
(cow mooing)
Okay, let's try that one,
see what that one does.
(dog barking)
(laser blasting)
(women laughing)
That should do it.
Come out, come out, Bigfoot.
- Yeah, where's
Bigfoot, come on.
- Okay, try the first one again.
Try that one, that
was a good one.
(dinosaur roaring)
(sheep bleating)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(rear end squeaking)
Whoo! (laughs)
That was very loud!
Let's put the volume up, whoo!
(man belching)
(melodramatic music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(quirky laughing)
(playful music)
(gunshots blasting)
(cow mooing)
(women cheering)
(rear end squeaking)
(bell dinging)
(gunshot blasting)
Guys, guys!
- What happened?
- Where's Jesse?
- I don't know, Jesse's gone.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I mean, I look around and
she's just not there anymore.
Don't know where she went.
- Oh my God.
- Did Bigfoot come back for her?
- He came back for her!
- Oh my God.
- I think so, I don't know.
I don't know anything!
- Where did it happen?
- You didn't see anything?
- Look, we've got two
hours of daylight left.
We gotta find her.
- We gotta hurry, come on.
- Oh my God.
So are we still gonna be famous
even if we don't find the bitch?
(women chattering)
Woke up today, I saw
the look in your eyes
It's something wrong, won't
be your partner in crime
Sent a letter, wanting
the kids down the block
One dose of your
lethal injection
Guarantees you zero
ejection for the sense
- Oh my God, today sucked.
- I'm so worried about Jesse.
- Yeah, we looked all day long.
If we didn't find her, I
mean, there's not much chance.
- No, don't think that way.
- She's probably dead.
- No, she made it once.
Wait, wait, what if they found
her and she's on the news?
What if it's on the news?
- Bitch, we can't watch no news.
There's no power.
We're lucky to have these
itty bitty flashlights.
- I don't wanna give up.
- So what if she's out
there dead and bloody.
Shouldn't we call Dateline?
- No!
- No, we can't tell Dateline.
- Like, they'd be interested.
This would be a scoop.
- You would never be famous.
- Dateline isn't
gonna make me famous?
- No, we're gonna
get in big trouble.
You can't call the TV.
- They're gonna send a crew out.
They're gonna find her.
And you'll never
get to be famous
'cause we didn't find her!
(dramatic music)
(hand banging)
(women screaming)
- What was that?
- Jesse!
- [Daisy] Jesse!
- Oh my God.
- She's alive.
- What happened?
- Oh my God, when I left
you, I went down the hill.
- We were so worried.
- I was walking
around for a bit,
and I like saw Bigfoot
in the distance.
- Again?
- Just all of a sudden
it made a beeline for me.
And I was like
kinda behind rocks.
And he started chasing me.
And then he came close to me,
and he was trying
to pull my bra off.
- Oh my God.
(women chattering)
(women screaming)
Wait, that's nothing.
He actually physically...
(women screaming)
Tried to take my bra off.
- He's a pervert,
first and foremost.
Just saying.
- Guys, listen, he's
not just after me.
He's about a block away.
(women screaming)
He's on my tail.
- He's coming, he's
coming to the house?
- Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Aren't we trying to
find this mother fucker?
- Okay, but you can't fight
him off with flashlights.
You guys need to be armed.
(women chattering excitedly)
- Oh my God, weapons,
weapons, weapons!
- Go get 'em.
- Let's get the weapons.
- Let's get the weapons.
- [Penny] Weapons!
- Do y'all see anything?
- Nope.
- No.
- Wait a second, where's Jesse?
Did we lose her again?
- Do you think Bigfoot got her?
- Nah, she's just in
the room changing.
- It's been a stressful day.
- What do we do?
- We need to change up the mood.
- You know the best
way to de-stress?
Put on some good tunes
and shake some ass.
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Lets do it!
(upbeat rock music)
I wanna strip, I wanna strut
I wanna get messed up
Load up my cauldron on the
bar and act like a slut
Tell dirty jokes,
do lines of coke
Crank up my heart and race
If a cop pulls me over, I'll
punch him right in the face
Yeah, I wanna be a
bad girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the best
time of my life, hell yeah
I wanna flirt, I wanna
cheat, I wanna bone my ex
I'll keep you guessing, boys,
and not return your texts
Do body shots, flash my top,
back up and hop on a plane
I'm talking Vegas, girls,
it's gonna be insane
Hey, I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the best
time of my life, hell yeah
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
Are you with me, yeah
It's gonna be the
best time of my life
Come on, girls
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the best
time of my life, hell yeah
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the
best time of my life
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
Are you with me, yeah
It's gonna be the
best time of my life
Come on, girls
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the best
time of my life, hell yeah
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
You with me, yeah
It's gonna be the
best time of my life
I wanna be a bad
girl for one night
It's gonna be the best
time of my life, hell yeah
(birds chirping)
(footsteps thudding)
- What a perfect day for a hunt.
- Oh, it's absolutely beautiful.
- We should look
for tracks first.
- Yeah.
- You girls got your weapons?
- Yep, locked and loaded.
Hey, isn't someone missing?
- Oh yeah, the brunettes.
- Jesse, Tilly,
while we're young!
- She's gone!
Jesse's disappeared again.
- What do you mean?
- I looked for her everywhere.
In the bathrooms, the
bedrooms, the garage, poof!
- What?
- Yeah.
(finger rattling)
- Something stinks in Denmark.
And I'll tell you why.
Do you guys remember yesterday
she "supposedly" fell off
a bridge onto a big rock?
Bitch didn't have
a scratch on her.
And then she showed up
at the house last night,
face on point.
- That was weird.
- Hair did.
- What are you saying?
Are you saying that...
That she made this up?
That Bigfoot really
didn't attack her?
- Yeah, I mean, you know
what, with all that fur,
that's probably the
fur that we found.
She went back and got
it when she disappeared.
- And that thing
about the bra strap.
I mean, that was weird.
I didn't believe that.
- She's crazy.
- And last night she said the
fool was like a block away
and coming right for us.
Dude never showed up.
- And we were dancing
all sexy and everything.
I mean, if he was out there,
he would've for sure
come and got us.
- Let's go look for
him, her and Bigfoot.
- Yeah, let's track 'em both.
- Can we call Dateline?
- So I have been practicing
at home, which my boyfriend,
Roger, didn't really like it
'cause I was doing that...
(hissing like a cat)
You know, getting my Catgirl on.
And doing my paw licking stuff.
(Dawn moaning)
- And people think
I'm hallucinating,
but I know it was the real Elvis
'cause he told me
and he assured me.
- So I said, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
I've been trying to get out
of the stripping business
for a minute now, trying
to find a new career.
And I really wanna get famous.
- I don't do dog stuff
'cause I'm a cat, right?
So we're all gonna be getting
our spirit guide animal,
getting the animalistic thing.
And that's really gonna bring
out the feminine pheromones
in all of us, but
our animalistic kind.
- My sponsorship has
been going down a little.
So what I did...
- I decided to get into the...
- Was I said, I'm
gonna go find Bigfoot.
- Looking for Bigfoot business.
- I'm gonna get a
selfie with Bigfoot.
- So I'm very excited.
You know, we got a
bunch of girls here.
We're all gonna be
getting our furry on.
- And hopefully there is a
Bigfoot out there somewhere,
and if there is...
- And we're gonna find him,
and we're gonna get him.
We're gonna empower him
with our femininity.
- I'm gonna find him.
- We're gonna interact with him.
We're gonna find out about
his thoughts and his feelings
and his inner self,
and why he's been
hiding out all these years.
- I would bet on me.
If you're a betting
person, Vegas odds have it,
that we're 50 to one,
whatever that means.
I'm not a betting person.
- So I met some other
girls along the way,
and they are out to
do the same thing.
Five girls together?
Now come on guys,
you can't beat that.
We're gonna get him.
(gentle piano music)
I'm not the beast
ya think I am
Been hunted down
since time began
For years and
years, I ran and ran
I think it's time
I made a plan
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot no more
I wanna be wild and sore
- Hey, baby.
All of the ladies for sure
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot no more
(car crashing)
All I am is just a myth
Till someone
proves that I exist
But no one seems
to get the gist
To be free is all I wish
Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't
wanna be Bigfoot no more
I wanna be wild and sore
Dance with all of
the ladies for sure
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot no more, hey
All right now
Oh, whoa, whoa, I don't
wanna be Bigfoot no more
(explosion blasting)
Dance with all of
the ladies for sure
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot, oh, whoa, whoa
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot no more
I wanna be wild and sore
Dance with all of
the ladies for sure
I don't wanna be Bigfoot
I don't wanna be Bigfoot
I don't wanna be
Bigfoot no more
(signal beeping)
- Wait, I'm getting a signal.
It's detecting
something right here.
- Do you see anything?
- What is it?
- Someone fell here recently.
- Who?
- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, I'm getting it.
There's some hot chicks.
(audience laugh track)
- What?
- Wait.
Are they hotter than, than us?
- No.
- No way.
- No.
But it means that
there's a lot of them.
- No way.
- And they're also
hunting Bigfoot.
It just means that we're
gonna have to be hotter,
faster, sexier and...
- Bustier!
- Yes.
- Bustier, that's it.
Now I know what we're
gonna have to do.
We're gonna have to use
this press-ta-digitizer,
and we're gonna need to
transport out of here
to a better location.
We can do this.
- Yes.
- Ready?
- I'm ready.
- All right and...
(beam whirring)
(tires rumbling)
- Bubba, you are getting
rid of that ugly TV
if it is the last thing you do.
I don't care if it's
got a built in VHS.
- It's battery operated!
- You stole it from
the thrift store.
And how much do you think
you're gonna get for it now?
- Oh, come on, sis.
You got it so easy.
I'm trying to pay for
college here, all right?
- Oh, pfft, I take
care of your ass.
Here, it's $2, take it.
What I owe you, 10 more?
Now, Bubba, you cannot
get caught stealing
again, all right?
You're not gonna be
able to go to college
because you're gonna
go to the pokey!
You remember that time
that you got caught
flashing those nuns in public?
(both laughing)
- Yeah.
- Well, you stole those
prescription drugs
from that store after hours?
- Oh my God.
Yeah, I remember that.
- Bubba, you're old
enough now you are
gonna go to the big house.
- What, really?
- I'm gonna go on down
just right past this crick,
and you're gonna get
this thing outta here.
Do you understand?
(tires rumbling)
Now git!
(Bubba grunts)
Go, go, go!
- It's battery-operated,
come on.
- Attaboy.
Get in.
- All right, let's go.
- I'm proud of you, Bubba.
Let's go get some ice cream.
(solemn music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(static buzzing)
(TV chatter)
- Hello, I'm Screens.
I work as a monitoring system
for Robo Sports Action Now.
- Oh, I can't believe I'm
actually afraid of a penis.
Who would've thought?
- [Woman] A blue one at that.
- I don't wanna die!
(TV beeping)
(people shouting)
(suspenseful electronic music)
(TV chatter)
(slow pop music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(TV beeping)
- No, no!
(thrilling music)
(TV beeping)
- [Announcer] It's the
Dr. Dawn Show in 3D.
With your host, Dr. Dawn.
Tonight's special
guest, Penny Blossom.
And tonight's topic is none
other than Bigfoot as usual.
Hello, Dr. Gail.
- Hi, I'm Dr. Dawn,
doctor of parapsychology,
doctor of internal medicine
and sometimes surgery.
And I'm here with my very
special guest, Penny Blossom.
- Hi!
- And tonight we're gonna
be talking about Bigfoot.
- Yay.
- So Penny, you think
you actually so Bigfoot?
- Oh, I know I saw him.
My friends doubted me, but
I was up near Sacramento.
I was panning for
gold 'cause you know,
I'm a golddigger. (giggles)
And there he was in the
distance, and my friend said,
"No, that's not Bigfoot."
And I said, "It is,
I know it's Bigfoot."
He's a big and handsome, young
looking ape and... (laughs)
I didn't know what to do,
and then he disappeared.
- Oh, was he handsome?
Was he really handsome?
Was he really hairy
chest and everything?
- Oh my God.
- My viewers know that
I wrote a bestseller.
It's called Bigfoot and Dr.
Dawn: The True Love Story.
And we have been
communicating, telepathically.
He's been coming every
night in my dreams.
And so we're going to be
going and finding him.
So are you excited to be on
this expedition with us, Penny?
- I am so excited.
Be still my beating heart.
(women giggling)
(Bigfoot grunting)
- We've had a few
expeditions before,
and some of the girls didn't
make it, unfortunately.
Last time we had
a bear incident.
But this time's
gonna be really good
'cause we have our guns locked
and loaded and ready to go.
- I have my crossbow.
And I don't wanna kill Bigfoot,
but I, we need to be protected.
- Oh no, we're not
gonna kill him.
No, no, no, we're gonna,
we're gonna find him.
We're gonna lure him in.
We're gonna seduce him.
And we're gonna have
a relationship, right?
- That's right.
- I'm gonna finish my
fantasy book about him
because, oh wow.
He's so big and handsome.
And, oh, I can't wait
to just to meet him
and have him hold
me in his arms,
and his big, hairy, his big
hairy chest against mine.
Oh, just to make out and
kiss with him and ooh, ooh!
You know you never told me
Driving me crazy
in a living hell
I don't wanna think about
it, but I just can't resist
(gentle guitar music)
Without you, without you
I fall from grace
Without you, without you
Don't even know my face
Without you
Without you, without you
My silence
(energy whirring)
- Where are we now?
- Two kilometers from
where we were last.
- North, West, South, what?
- I don't know.
(audience laugh track)
- Well, let's just
take a look around.
- What is this?
- Holy moth balls!
That looks like a piece of crap!
- [Together] Bigfoot's crap!
- Oh God, what are we gonna do?
We can't touch it.
- Okay, I got an idea.
Let's put our energy together,
and transport it
forward to 2050.
- That's it, that's it.
- [Together] Beyond
ho, away we go.
Beyond ho, away we go.
Beyond ho, away we go.
Beyond ho, away we go.
- Holy crap, we're
gonna be trillionaires!
- I love it!
(women squealing)
- Oh my God, that was a big one!
(somber music)
- Oh my God.
- Oh wow.
- What is that?
It's a hoof print.
Looks like I'm finally
gonna get my selfie.
- [dawn] It's so big.
And you know what they say
about men with big feet?
- My ex-boyfriend had big
feet, definitely worth it.
- This monster probably
has pretty big hands too.
- He's close by.
- Let's go find him.
Let's get that selfie for you.
- Let's get the selfie.
- Let's go get
this fool, ladies.
- [Penny] I think she's
definitely from the loony bin.
- [Daisy] Oh yeah,
that's plausible.
- You know what, we set
out to find Bigfoot.
Let's just go look for him.
We'll find her on the way.
- Ladies, I think at this point
we really gotta accept
there ain't no Bigfoot!
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(footsteps pattering)
(water rushing)
- [Tilly] We may never
see that girl again.
- Yeah.
- She's lost forever probably.
- She may be gone for good.
(women scream)
- Jesse!
Where have you been?
- Don't give me that
look, I know that look.
- Bitch!
- I know, I know, I know.
I got up early this
morning, and I was inspired.
And I always like to
write when I'm inspired.
And I wrote a song for
our quest to get Bigfoot.
- For what?
- We were worried about you.
- I wrote a song.
I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
but you'll love the song.
- So you wrote a song?
- Of course, it's
about all of us.
- All right.
- Actually.
- Can we hear the song?
- I wanna hear it.
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Now I wrote it with
like a Western spaghetti,
Southern twang kind
of a feel to it.
Like kind of a like, you know,
my relative's Mr. Jesse James.
- Oh, that's cool.
- Love it.
Oh, it's Bigfoot or bust,
we're gonna get you with lust
No turning back, it's a must
There's just no giving up
Five girls with big guns that
will take that as it comes
We came here to have
fun and get the job done
We're gonna scour these woods
and stay hot on your trail
Get sexy, lure you to us,
and we're not gonna fail
Oh, it's Bigfoot or bust,
we're gonna get you with lust
No turning back, it's a must
There's just no giving up
Five girls with big guns, and
I'll take that as it comes
We came here to have
fun and get the job done
We're gonna
scour these woods
And be hot on your trail
Get sexy, lure you too us
We're not gonna
fail, come on
Oh, Bigfoot or bust,
get you with lust
No turning back, it's a must
There's just no giving up
- [Together] Bigfoot or Bust!
(Jesse whistles)
(hands clapping)
- [Jesse] Yeah!
(Bigfoot grunting)
(women cheering)
- [Dawn] Jesse, love it!
(energy whirring)
- We did it.
Mission accomplished.
- Yeah, it's time to
go back to the future.
- Back to 2050.
- Hey, we can't go like this.
We need to change.
(audience laugh track)
- You're right.
You're first, go.
(bell chiming)
Right there, and ready?
(energy whirring)
- Awesome.
- No, okay.
(bells chiming)
(energy whirring)
It's getting better.
- Yeah.
- Maybe a little bit, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
(bells chiming)
(energy whirring)
Oh yeah, uh huh.
- Beautiful.
- Looking fabulous, you're next.
Go on in there.
(bells chiming)
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- And.
(quirky laughing)
(energy whirring)
Nah, one more.
(bells chiming)
(energy whirring)
(quirky laughing)
Oh yeah.
(laughs) Perfect!
Now me.
(quirky laughing)
(energy whirring)
What do you think?
We're ready.
All right, team, we did it.
We're looking great.
Time for 2050.
(energy whirring)
- Whoa, check out
the red carpet.
What is this, the
Academy Awards?
I thought we were
hunting Bigfoot.
You really didn't have to.
(Bigfoot grunting)
- What was that?
That was something big in there.
- [Jesse] It sure sounded big.
(suspenseful music)
(Bigfoot grunting)
(women shouting)
- That's Bigfoot,
that's Bigfoot!
- Fuck, I wanna be famous!
(suspenseful music)
(alert ringing)
(Rusty squealing)
- Did you get an alert?
- Yes, we did.
He's up on the overlook.
That critter's up there
right now, let's go, move it.
Here you go, let's go.
Come on, move it,
go, go, go, go.
- There he is!
- Go, go, go!
Go, go, go!
- Got you.
- Go!
- Don't you move.
- Stop, stop, don't hurt him.
- Oh my God, this
is really happening.
(Bigfoot grunting)
- Oh!
- Damn, he's kinda hot.
(suspenseful music)
- Oh, Bigfoot, I've looked
for you my entire life.
You're so amazing.
- You've never hurt
anyone, have you?
- Oh.
- You poor thing, I'm so sorry.
- Go.
- Go, go, Bigfoot!
Go, Bigfoot!
- Go.
- Go, Bigfoot!
- Go, just go.
- I love you Bigfoot.
- Hey ladies, what do you
have cornered up there?
- Nothing.
- Ain't nothin' to see here.
- Oh, sure hell, let's go, go.
(Bigfoot grunting)
Sorry to bug you, ladies.
Let's go.
- Told you so.
(upbeat rock music)
- I didn't do it.
I'm innocent.
If I could make a
wish, go back in time
I'd try to change it
up, commit a crime
Knowing hindsight is 20-20
Filled with lust
Had I known I'd
still be alive
A animal, hunt you
down like a cannibal
You got me running
Animal, big, strong,
so incredible
I'm tired of doing the same
old things day after day
Try to run, try
to hide my fears
But the world's turned gray
The scary madness
I've come to like
Wandering through a maze
Help me get out,
wake up, fly away
Animal, hunt you
down like a cannibal
You got me running
Animal, big, strong,
so incredible
And I'm coming
Animal, call me crazy,
think you're beautiful, oh
You're just an animal
Round and round
and round again
But I can make no promises
Now I'm looking carefully
for footprints up a pass
(woman panting)
(animal howling)
Animal, hunt you
down like a cannibal
You got me running
Animal, big, strong,
so incredible
And I'm coming
Animal, might be crazy,
think you're beautiful
You're such an
animal, animal
Just an animal, animal
Yeah, yeah
(Bigfoot grunting)
(Jim laughs)