Bill Burr: Let It Go (2010) Movie Script
[quirky rock music]
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE.
OKAY, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING.
JESUS CHRIST.
[laughter]
[bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMEN AWARD OUT HERE.
[laughter]
[laughs]
I...I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD
FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE
WORST OF PEOPLE.
[laughter]
I REALLY AM.
YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE
ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I
SEE.
LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE
OTHER DAY, RIGHT?
I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY
FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND
WATCHING THIS--WATCHING
THIS LADY.
SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS,
LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW,
LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN
HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN.
JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER
GULLET.
AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED
HER FACE WITH THE BAG.
[laughter]
AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN
LIKE A GENTLEMAN.
LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE
CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."
THEN SHE JUST KIND OF
STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED.
JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL.
I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE.
HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS,
LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK,
AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE
WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE
THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE
FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUS WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS,
LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST I LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR.
JUST SITTING THERE.
JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL.
[laughter]
DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU,
IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS.
I WANT IT.
WE NEED A PLAGUE.
I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A
PLAGUE.
IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE
AFRAID.
IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA
KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?
SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER.
TAKE SOME VITAMINS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST...
YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE
DO HER THING, MAN.
SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT,
AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT.
KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD,
AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE
LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR
VACCINATION."
WHY?
WHY?
SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED
WITH THE BACK FAT GUY,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT.
SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE
NATURE'S FOREST FIRE,
YOU KNOW?
JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE
DEAD WOOD.
[laughter]
NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.
WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY
SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK.
WE REALLY ARE.
LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep],
YOU KNOW?
A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN
HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S,
"SLOW DOWN.
DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"
AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."
[laughter]
THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC
ON THE SERENGETI.
[laughter]
THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS
JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK
LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS
GOING ON UP THERE?
DUDE, GO.
JUST [bleep] GO."
AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE.
THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS
BALLS.
LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG
HOLDUP, RIGHT?
LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE.
OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN
AND LOOK AT IT."
[laughter]
SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN.
I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER,
YOU KNOW?
I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF
HER.
SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH
WINFREY SHOW,
AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER
WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.
AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY
SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND
SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON
MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.
[laughter]
NO, IT'S WHAT I DO.
NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE
OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.
OPRAH'S ON THERE.
SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM,
YOU KNOW, AND...
[laughter]
SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG,
RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S
DONE THIS.
SHE'S DONE THAT.
SHE'S DONE THIS.
AND SHE DOES THE MOST DIFFICUL JOB ON THE PLANET.
SHE'S A MOTHER."
AND CONTINUES ON, AND
IMMEDIATELY, I JUST LOOK AT MY
GIRLFRIEND LIKE...
YOU KNOW.
LIKE, "REALLY?
BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOS DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET?
OH, YEAH, ALL THOSE MOTHERS WHO
DIE EVERY YEAR FROM BLACK LUNG
FROM INHALING ALL THAT COAL
DUST."
[laughter]
DUDE, WOMEN ARE JUST CONSTANTLY
PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK
ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THEIR LIVES
ARE, AND NO ONE CORRECTS THEM,
'CAUSE THEY WANT TO [bleep]
'EM.
[laughter and applause]
NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
SO THERE'S JUST THIS TORNADO
OF, LIKE, MISINFORMATION.
"I HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB
ON THE PLANET."
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING,
DRILLING TO THE CENTER OF THE
EARTH, SHAKING HANDS WITH THE
DEVIL,
EVERY TIME THERE'S A RUMBLE IN
THE GROUND, YOU'RE WAITING FOR
THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE DOWN
ON TOP OF YOU SO THEY CAN WRITE
THAT FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU, YOU
KNOW?
OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE UP IN
THE SUNSHINE RUNNING AROUND
WITH A COUPLE OF TODDLERS
THAT YOU CAN SEND TO BED
ANYTIME YOU WANT ON SOME
SORT OF TRUMPED-UP CHARGES,
RIGHT?
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK
AND WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON
THE PLANET."
OH, YEAH?
I THOUGHT ROOFING IN THE MIDDLE
OF JULY AS A REDHEAD--I THOUGH THAT THAT WAS DIFFICULT,
BUT THESE MOTHERS ARE BENDING
OVER AT THE WAIST PUTTING DVDs
INTO DVD PLAYERS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.
[laughter]
DUDE, ANY JOB THAT YOU CAN DO IN
YOUR PAJAMAS IS NOT A DIFFICUL JOB, ALL RIGHT?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE 35 YEARS
OLD PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.
YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.
YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.
NO TIME CARD, NO TAXES.
YOU'RE OFF THE [bleep] GRID.
[laughter]
MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES.
I MEAN...
[laughter]
"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON
THE PLANET."
OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER.
HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?
UNBELIEVABLE.
[cheers and applause]
[laughs]
GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I,
YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF
BALANCES ITSELF OUT.
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE
AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE
BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A BITCH,
AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS
AROUND, MAN.
I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON' WANT TO BE THAT GUY.
YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY.
THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS,
BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO
TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO
SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL.
THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,
"HE, UH...
YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS
BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT,
YOU KNOW.
GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY
A BILL, HE PAID IT.
THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON
OF A BITCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS.
I--I GOT NOTHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY
ABOUT THE GUY.
HE'S JUST..."
NO...
NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I
KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM
WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE
RANDOM THINGS.
LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE
ANOTHER TIME.
I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M
ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE
ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY
BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I
WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD
THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO
BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE
FACE.
[laughter]
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID,
BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING
THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHA KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN
IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?
THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR
SOMETHING."
"OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?
YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE,
CUPCAKE?"
WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?
HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE
THAT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING
WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE,
SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS
OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.
WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU
KNOW?
BUT I SAY IT.
I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.
YOU DON'T [bleep].
I SAY IT.
I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.
I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU
BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE.
YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS
THE RESTAURANT.
"YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY?"
[laughter]
YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I'VE GOT A...
[laughter]
ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUS WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT?
YOU JUST WAKE UP.
"OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M
GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE--
ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER
THAN I USED TO BE, MAN.
I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M
UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A
LOT MORE HAPPIER.
MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED
I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE
HOLIDAYS.
THAT WAS A BIG THING.
I HAD TO.
THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGH THERE.
YEAH, I HAD TO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU
DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME
AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS,
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS
NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40.
THERE'S NO WAY.
THERE'S NO WAY."
PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING
QUESTIONS.
THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD.
JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."
[laughter]
"YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES,
YOU KNOW?
TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH I ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF
PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?
YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A
CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF
KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESEN EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN
LIFE?
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"
[laughter]
YEAH.
NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE
MARRIED.
LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES
SENSE.
LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BU IT JUST--IT SCARES ME.
WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUS GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THA I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THA STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU
KNOW?
JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER
SELF.
YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON
THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING
[bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS.
[laughter]
MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU
KNOW.
"HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"
"OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD,
PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING
BIGGER, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR
11 YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY
DREAMS, YOU KNOW.
I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE
'CAUSE IT'S QUIET.
YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE
AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE
BEEN.
YEAH."
MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING
TO ME.
HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME
GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT A BROOKSTONE.
HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED
BY NASA.
"ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES,
ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE
COLD."
REALLY?
IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND
BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY
SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF
THIS?
THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOU YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE.
[laughter]
NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF
MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE.
[laughter]
I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT,
ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THA JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE
BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN
SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME
REALLY SERIOUSLY.
SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF
THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING
ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
ARE YOU?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO.
I'M JUST JOKING.
I'M JUST JOKING."
SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU
KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF
YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU
KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A
[bleep], YOU KNOW?"
[laughter]
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T.
I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE
THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS,
THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE
CHECKLIST.
"[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO
HERE, AND IF YOU DO THAT..."
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?
I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL
THOUGHT.
I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL
THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT KILLING
YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?
I DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?
ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT KILLING
MYSELF, IT'S NEVER OVER ANYTHING
BIG.
IT'S ALWAYS LITTLE THINGS.
LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WANT TO
TAKE MYSELF OUT.
IT'S BIZARRE.
LIKE, IF MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP
WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO
YOU.
I WOULD BE DEVASTATED,
DEVASTATED.
I'D BE LAYING ON THE GROUND
CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION
FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, YOU
KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, BY THE FOURTH
DAY, YOU KNOW, I'D RUB ONE OUT,
YOU KNOW, START PUTTING THE
PIECES BACK TOGETHER.
I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO,
JOIN A GYM, LIE TO MYSELF THA I'M GONNA GET THE SIX-PACK BACK.
I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, ALL
RIGHT?
BUT LITTLE THINGS.
I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING
MYSELF, LIKE, A YEAR AGO ON
THANKSGIVING.
AND YOU KNOW WHY IT WAS?
IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID I WAS
GONNA MAKE A PIE.
THAT LITTLE STATEMENT MADE ME
THINK ABOUT TAKING MYSELF OUT.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
THIS IS BASICALLY THE DEAL,
RIGHT?
MY GIRLFRIEND'S AN ANGEL.
SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE
HOLIDAYS, SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO
WEEKS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, SO
SHE'S ALL EXCITED.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP."
I'M SITTING THERE TRYING TO
WATCH THE GAME.
"THANKSGIVING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR
THANKSGIVING," RIGHT?
AND I STARTED FREAKING OUT.
LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO DO
ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING, YOU
KNOW?
I JUST THOUGHT I HAD TO, YOU
KNOW, NOT GET DRUNK AND BE
BELLIGERENT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS.
I THOUGHT I WAS FINE.
SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA MAKE
A TURKEY.
I'M GONNA MAKE STUFFING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
SO I PANICKED.
I'M LIKE, "I'LL [bleep] MAKE A
PIE."
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PIE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HER GO
AWAY, YOU KNOW?
YOU EVER DO THAT?
YOU JUST AGREE WITH THEM
THINKING IT WILL MAKE THEM
LEAVE?
LIKE, "AWESOME, WHAT YOU SAID,
HIGH FIVE, [bleep] OFF,"
AND YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING THE
GAME.
YEAH.
NO, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED.
IT TOTALLY WORKED, BECAUSE SHE
WALKED AWAY COMPLETELY EXCITED.
SHE WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, RAN
AWAY ALL EXCITED, AND I TOTALLY
FORGOT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
TWO WEEKS LATER, THANKSGIVING
COMES UP, RIGHT?
SHE JUST WAKES UP.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT PIE,
RIGHT?
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A
PIE."
I WAS LIKE, "[bleep]."
I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PIE.
I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE GROCERY
STORE.
I'VE GOT TO BUY SOME FLOUR.
THEN I JUST STARTED THINKING,
"MAN, WHAT IF I JUST SLAMMED MY
HEAD RIGHT THROUGH THIS PLATE
GLASS WINDOW AND JUST BLED OU RIGHT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE
HOUSE, YOU KNOW?
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THE
PIE."
SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M
SUICIDAL.
IT'S MORE LIKE I'M, LIKE, LAZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, WHENEVER I KNOW THE NEX FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE IS GONNA
SUCK, I THINK ABOUT IT.
"GOD, I'VE GOT TO PAY MY TAXES.
THERE'S A LONG LINE AT THE
BANK," AND THEN A BUS IS COMING
BY.
"WHAT IF I JUST DOVE HEADFIRS RIGHT INTO THOSE DOUBLE BACK
TIRES?"
ANYBODY ELSE?
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT [bleep]
LIKE THAT?
[cheers and applause]
YOU KNOW WHAT GETS ME?
CEILING FANS.
SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF
I DON'T WANT TO DO.
"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF
I.D.
WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."
AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND
THE HEAD.
I'LL BE, "I'LL GET RIGHT ON
THAT."
DOING, DOING, DOING.
[laughter]
SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO
GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO
TELL YOU HERE.
NO, I DID.
I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY.
I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS
OLD.
MY DAD HAD FIVE KIDS BY THE
TIME HE WAS MY AGE.
I'VE GOT TO GET ON WITH MY
LIFE HERE."
SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
I'M NOT WORKING THANKSGIVING.
I'M NOT WORKING CHRISTMAS.
I'M NOT WORKING NEW YEAR'S."
AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF
OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A
MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"
THEN MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "YOU
KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW ANGRY MY BRAIN IS.
I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
[laughter]
THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING.
I'M CARVING THAT [bleep].
I'M HANDING OUT CANDY TO THE
KIDS.
I'M MEETING THEM AT THE DOOR.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO
BE, HUH?
OH, YEAH?
FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM.
WHO DOES THAT?
WHO DOES THAT?
NOBODY, NOBODY.
I WILL BREAK YOUR [bleep] BAG
WITH MY CANDY, HUH?
AC/DC PUMPKIN.
YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?
YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE
YOU SEEN THAT [bleep].
WHAT ARE YOU, LEANED TO ONE
SIDE?
THAT'S HEAVY.
HERE'S ANOTHER CANDY BAR.
YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK
RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS.
THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I
AM.
DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE.
IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO
THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE
ABLE TO BUY THIS GODDAMNED
PUMPKIN, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I
WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT,
I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY
THOUGHTS.
"THIS IS A GREAT THING.
I'M EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS.
IT'S GONNA BRING ME AND MY
GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER.
THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO
DO."
AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND
ALL I HEAR IN THE BACK OF MY
HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A
[bleep]."
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO
TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS WITH
GUYS.
ANY TIME YOU DO ANYTHING
REMOTELY SENSITIVE,
HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S
GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING,
CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY,
ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGES THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WAN TO SUCK A [bleep].
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART,
RIGHT, LIKE IT'S RAINING OUT.
"HE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA.
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE
WATER?
PUT YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU
[bleep].
JESUS CHRIST.
WHAT, DID YOU PULL THAT THING
OUT OF YOUR ASS?"
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE
SENSE.
"YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?
WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME
GUYS ASS WITH YOUR [bleep]?
WHAT A [bleep].
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BLOW A
SCARECROW?
DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME WITH
YOUR GAY LITTLE PUMPKIN."
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"
IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP A 55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE.
IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES
OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO,
LIKE, HUG A PUPPY, ADMIT A
BABY'S CUTE, SAY YOU WANT A
COOKIE.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING
IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM.
I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep].
I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep]."
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
NO, NO, NO, NO, AND THEN ONE
DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A
DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PU BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES.
YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN
ANEURISM, AND YOUR HEAD SLAMS
OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE
LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE I ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS
GO, "HE GOT BANANAS IN HIS
PANCAKES.
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE
SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?
HEY, BRING ANOTHER ONE OVER
WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS,
RIGHT?
YEAH, 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A
DICK, RIGHT?
IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK.
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I
SAID IT.
I'M AWESOME.
YEAH."
OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE
WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING
EVERY DAY.
JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU
CAN DO AS A GUY,
ANY STUPID THING THAT'S GONNA
SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE
OF A MAN.
[bleep] ZERO DEGREES OUT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A COAT ON.
"DUDE, YOU COLD?"
YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.
"NO, I'M NOT COLD.
DUDE, I'M NOT COLD.
I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I
REALLY AGREE WITH," YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
NO.
I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THIS
BALL OF HATE IN MY CHEST.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY
KIDS.
I DON'T.
I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE
A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON
YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A
KID, AND THEN JUST STAR DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]
THOUGHTS ONTO THEIR PRISTINE
LITTLE HARD DRIVE, YOU KNOW?
YOU SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL
WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE
MANIFESTOS.
THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS
AT SCHOOL.
"TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY.
WHAT DID YOU GET?"
"DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS,
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."
[laughter]
YEAH.
NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING
TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOU YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN.
I'VE GOT TO GET BEYOND--
LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY
ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?
YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT?
I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRING MY
GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE
SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK
HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I
KNEW THE SECOND I DID IT, SHE
WAS GONNA FREAK OUT, AND SHE
DID.
THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS
JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A
PUMPKIN.
HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.
WE SHOULD GET A PUMPKIN.
OH, MY GOD, LET'S GE A PUMPKIN."
SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS
LITTLE PUMPKIN DANCE, AND I
HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUS TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUS [bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE
PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD I THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL
THE PANIC IN THE BACK OF HER
HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME,
LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUEN AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING,
"IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA END,
PUMPKIN SEEDS UP MY NOSE?
I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING
SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING
BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS.
IT'S SO ORANGE."
[laughter]
NO, I RESENTED HER.
I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO
BE A [bleep].
SHE DOES.
SHE GETS TO SEE PUMPKINS.
"OH, MY GOD."
RIGHT?
SEES A LITTLE PUPPY.
"IT'S SO CUTE."
CRIES AT SAD MOVIES.
I'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO ALL OF
THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING
INSIDE.
GO OUT TO GO SEE A SAD MOVIE,
COMES TO THE SAD PART.
WHAT DO I DO?
SHE'S CRYING.
I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY
[bleep].
"AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN
PENN IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW?
AH-HA-HA."
I START LAUGHING.
AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT YOU.
"HOW COULD YOU LAUGH DURING A
TIME LIKE THIS?"
BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS
INTO A TOWN MEETING, THIS GUY
DOWN HERE.
"THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO CRY WHEN I
WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU
KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."
I GOT A DOG RECENTLY,
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING.
YES, I DID.
I'M PSYCHED.
I WENT DOWN TO THE POUND.
I GOT ONE OF THOSE FREE DOGS,
FREE DOG.
THAT'S HOW I SAY IT TOO.
I DON'T SAY, "I RESCUED A DOG."
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THA STUFF.
THEY SAY, "SHE'S A RESCUE.
I RESCUED HER."
REALLY?
DID YOU PULL HER OUT OF A
BURNING BUILDING?"
[laughter]
"DID YOU JUMP IN A RIVER WITH
YOUR WING TIPS STILL ON WITH NO
CONCERN FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,
OR DID YOU JUST GO DOWN TO THE
POUND AND GET A FREE DOG, YOU
CHEAP [bleep]?
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?"
[laughter and applause]
I ACTUALLY--I DID NOT WANT TO
GET A RESCUE DOG.
I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT.
MY GIRL WAS ALL ABOUT IT.
SHE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD RESCUE
A DOG.
DO YOU WANT TO RESCUE A DOG?"
I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, I DON'T."
SHE'S LIKE, "WHY NOT?
I GO, "BECAUSE I THINK A LOT OF
THE DOGS DOWN AT THE POUND MIGH BE A LITTLE [bleep] IN THE
HEAD.
YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?"
DUDE, THE SHELTER IS NOT A PE STORE.
THAT IS LIKE SHAWSHANK FOR A
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
WHY DON'T WE JUST GO DOWN TO THE
PRISON AND RESCUE AN INMATE AND
JUST ROLL THE DICE THAT MAYBE
THE GUY WAS WRONGLY CONVICTED?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
[bleep] THAT.
I WANT A BRAND-NEW 2009 BULLDOG,
ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT SOME 1995
HALF-A-LABRADOR WITH PART OF ITS
EAR CHEWED OFF, YOU KNOW?
I'VE GOT TO PUT TOGETHER ITS
BACKSTORY.
EVERY TIME I GO TO USE THE
TOASTER, IT STARTS FREAKING OUT,
BECAUSE HIS LAST OWNER HUNG HIM
FROM THE CEILING FAN EVERY TIME
THE JETS DIDN'T COVER THE OVER,
YOU KNOW?
DUDE, THAT'S AN ANIMAL, MAN.
THAT THING CAN KILL YOU.
DUDE, A RABID SQUIRREL,
HOW FAST A SQUIRREL IS.
IF I WAS WALKING HOME AT NIGH MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, BUT ALL
OF A SUDDEN, SOME SQUIRREL
STARTING RUNNING AT ME, BY THE
TIME I PROCESS LIKE, "IS THAT A
RAT?
IS THAT MECHANICAL?"
THAT DUDE WOULD BE UP MY LEG
TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF THE SIDE OF
MY HEAD.
I'D HAVE TO TELL THAT STORY FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A BAR.
"DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIDE
OF YOUR HEAD?"
"A [bleep] SQUIRREL, ALL RIGHT?
CHRIST, YOU DON'T THINK I'M
SENSITIVE?"
NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY ALL
THOSE DOGS ARE BAD DOWN THERE,
BUT WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GE ONE OF THOSE CUJOS OR OLD
YELLERS, RIGHT?
I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LOVE DOGS
DOWN THERE SO MUCH, YOU'VE GO TO WATCH OUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU.
I WAS DOWN THERE.
THERE WAS THIS ONE DOG.
THIS THING WAS STARING AT ME SO
GODDAMNED HARD, MANIAC-LOOKING
DOG.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS
DOG?"
SHE WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, HE WAS
CHAINED TO PALLETTE IN A
JUNKYARD HIS ENTIRE LIFE."
AND I'M LIKE, "DOES IT HAVE
ANY ISSUES?"
SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE
AGGRESSIVE."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WERE YOU GONNA
TELL ME THAT [bleep].
WERE YOU JUST GONNA THROWN IT IN
MY HATCHBACK AND LET ME FIGURE
IT OUT ON THE RIDE HOME?"
[laughter]
THE THING'S PULLING OUT A
SHARPENED TOOTHBRUSH TO STICK IN
MY NECK.
[laughter]
NO, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET ONE
OF THOSE CRAZY DOGS,
I GET UP AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING
TO TAKE A LEAK, AND THAT IS THE
EXACT MOMENT ITS PREVIOUS OWNER
USED TO COME HOME [bleep]FACED,
BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE DOG?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SETTING
OFF.
I'M SITTING THERE SHUFFLING
ALONG IN MY SLIPPERS, TYING MY
ROBE.
MEANWHILE, THE DOG'S GETTING ALL
AMPED UP LIKE, "[bleep] THIS
[bleep], MAN.
I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN' LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT'S TIME TO MAN-UP.
LET'S DO THIS ON THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE."
AUGH!
IT COMES FLYING AT ME.
I'M GONNA BE LAYING IN THE
GROUND IN A POOL OF MY OWN
BLOOD.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THE
DOG?
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM RIGH BACK DOWN TO THE POUND LIKE SOME
SORT OF REPEAT OFFENDER.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM ON THE
NEWS IN, LIKE, SHACKLES, LIKE,
SHUFFLING ALONG.
"WE KNEW YOU'D BE BACK."
"YEAH, GET ME A MILK-BONE.
GO [bleep] YOURSELF."
YOU'RE GONNA WHEEL HIM IN LIKE
HANNIBAL LECTER WITH THAT LAMP
SHADE AROUND HIS NECK.
"AHH, AHH, AH-AH-AH-AHH."
[laughter]
YEAH, SO WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS
STALEMATE, YOU KNOW.
I WANTED THE BRAND-NEW BULLDOG,
YOU KNOW, AND SHE KEPT SEEING
THAT SARAH MCLAUGHLIN
COMMERCIAL, GETTING ALL SAD, YOU
KNOW?
OH, THEY OUGHT TO GET SUED FOR
FALSE ADVERTISEMENT IN THA THING.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
THEY HANDPICKED THOSE DOGS, THE
CUTEST LITTLE FUZZY...
"I JUST WANT TO PLAY FRISBEE,"
THOSE CUTE LITTLE, INNOCEN LITTLE DR. SEUSS-LOOKING DOGS.
WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?
WHERE ARE THE ROTTWEILERS?
WHERE ARE THOSE MANIACS YOU SEE
LIFTING WEIGHTS DOWN AT THE
SHELTER?
[laughter]
THEY'VE GOT THE SADDEST-LOOKING
DOGS EVER, AND SHE'S WHINING
OVER THE TOP OF THEM.
IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL
WHOO-WHOO-WHOOO, BOO-BOO-BOO
THOSE DOGS ARE LOOKING ALL SAD
AT THE CAMERA.
[laughter]
"MY LAST OWNER WASN'T A NICE
PERSON."
THE MOST RIDICULOUS BANDAGES,
LIKE THEY WERE IN SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN,
THAT THREE STOOGES RABBIT EAR.
"I HAVE A TOOTHACHE."
DID SHEMP OWN THAT DOG?
WHAT HAPPENED?
I LOVE THAT WHEN IT'S ALL
WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY.
IT'S LIKE, HOW?
WHAT, DID IT GET HIT BY A
CANNONBALL DURING A CIVIL WAR
REENACTMENT?
DID A TYRANNOSAURUS PICK IT UP?
"AHH-AHH-AHH, POOF,"
SPIT IT OUT.
MY FAVORITE ONE IS THA ONE-EYED PUG.
OH, THERE'S A GREAT DOG.
YEAH, BRING THAT OVER TO THE
KIDS.
I'M SURE THAT WON'T FREAK THEM
OUT AT ALL.
"MOMMY, DID YOU GET US A DOG?"
"ARRGH, ARRGH."
"JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE
RIGHT.
DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE
RIGHT.
JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
COME AROUND.
IT BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFEREN ANIMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT.
JUST KNOW YOU COME FROM--COME
FROM THE LEFT.
HIS NAME IS POOKY.
WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM POOKY NOW."
[laughter]
SO SHE WAS INTO THAT.
I WANTED TO GET THE BULLDOG.
THAT WAS MY THING.
I WAS, LIKE, I WANTED TO GET THE
BULLDOG, BUT THEN I STARTED
RESEARCHING ON THE BULLDOGS.
THEY'VE GOT ALL THESE HEALTH
PROBLEMS, MAN.
FROM DAY ONE, THEY CAN'T EVEN
BREATHE.
THEY COME OUT INTO THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH ASBESTOS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THEM SLEEPING
UPRIGHT IN THIS LA-Z-BOY RUBBING
VICKS VAPORUB ON THEIR CHEST.
THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, SLEEP APNEA.
THEY DIE NINE TIMES EVERY NIGHT.
WHY DON'T I JUST RESCUE A
RETIRED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN WHILE
I'M AT IT?
"YEAH, THIS IS JIM JEFFCOAT.
WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM LARRY
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
FOR SOME STUPID REASON."
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO WE
WERE AT A STALEMATE, SO MY GIRL
DID WHAT MOST FEMALES DO.
THEY JUST FIGURE, "I KNOW IT'S
GOOD FOR HIM.
I KNOW IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM
HAPPY.
I'M GONNA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION
WITHOUT HIM, AND THEN HE'S GONNA
DEAL WITH IT."
YEAH, THAT'S HOW I GOT A DOG.
I GOT A DOG WHEN I WAS ON THE
ROAD.
I WAS ON THE ROAD, AND I JUS HAD A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE.
IT WAS JUST, "BOOP,"
AND IT WAS HER, AND SHE'S JUS LIKE, "UM, OKAY, UM, I DID
SOMETHING, UM, KIND OF INVOLVES
BOTH OF US, BUT I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE IT.
JUST GIVE ME A CALL.
OKAY, BYE."
NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE, "I
JUST SIGNED YOU UP FOR A 12- TO
15-YEAR COMMITMENT"?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,
RIGHT?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE, "I BOUGHT A
NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG
YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURAN DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?
THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE, SO
I'M READY FOR THAT ARGUMENT.
SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND
SHE GOT A DOG.
NOW, HALF OF ME ISN'T UPSET,
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A
RESCUE DOG?"
"YEAH, WE HAVE IT FOR A WEEK,
AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO
KEEP IT, YOU CAN."
SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"
SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND
SHE PANS AROUND.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT?
SHE GOT A PIT BULL.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A
PIT BULL.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [bleep]
MIND?
YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"
SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL.
IT'S A MIX."
MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PI BULL?
LOOK AT THAT THING.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN DOING
PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."
IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED
UP.
IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE
BACKGROUND.
IT'S BEEN P90XIN'.
IT'S A PIT BULL.
JESUS CHRIST.
AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S
SWEET."
SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"
AND ALL THIS STUFF.
OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART.
I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE
DAYS, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS
DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I
DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON
MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO
WORK?"
SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED
I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD
JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMEN AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."
I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND?
I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT.
THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU.
IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE.
I'M GONNA COME WALKING IN AND
HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE
I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON
THE PHONE BILL?
NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE
THAT."
SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I
DO?"
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.
YOU TAKE THAT HELL HOUND,
YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR,
DRIVE IT TO WORK.
PARK IN THE SHADE.
DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO.
I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE,
AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE
DOG.
CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE
AWAY.
I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN
THE DRIVEWAY.
WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER.
I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW
THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER,
BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN
EPISODE OF THE DOG WHISPERER,
AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,
I THINK.
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?
SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY,
AND I SEE THE DOG.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.
IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING
LIKE A MARINE OR SOME [bleep]
LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO
SOMETHING.
AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE
GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PI BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GE IT TO SHELTER.
THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER.
IT LIVED BY THE L.A. RIVER
FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S
RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE,
"ISN'T THAT SAD?"
"NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."
"WHY IS IT SCARY?"
"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH
PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING
BERRIES OUT THERE.
THAT THING WAS CHOKING OU COYOTES, YOU KNOW,
BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,
BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU
BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE
HOUSE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN
ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT I JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"
SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN
HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING A ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER
LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW
GUY," RIGHT?
THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING
THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS
GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS
JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS
JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S
DOING.
I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.
SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME,
BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA
FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUS HAVE THE DOG."
AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE
ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]
KILL ME, YOU KNOW?
RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN I FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE
REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK
IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK.
WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN
WE MAKE OUR DECISION, SO I
JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY.
I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."
THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN' GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW, AND I WAS
JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
I STARTED TO LIKE IT A LITTLE
BIT, YOU KNOW?
NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW.
I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF.
I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE.
I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC.
I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE
MY IDEAS OFF.
IT WAS KIND OF NICE,
SITTING THERE ON TV,
"YOU BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED
BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION
DOLLARS, AND THEY GET A
BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
BUT I'M FIGHTING IT.
"GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE
BIT," YOU KNOW?
IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO WORK
OUT, YOU KNOW?
I ASKED IT A QUESTION.
"HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE,
A WHEEL CRANK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
[laughter]
AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING OUT IN THE AIR.
I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M
LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG.
THIS IS [bleep]."
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
EVER WALKED A PIT BULL.
YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME
POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PI BULL DOWN THE STREET.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE
GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER.
PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OU OF THE WAY.
[laughter]
IT'S UNREAL.
THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY
SEE ME COMING.
THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE
STREET.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE
COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.
I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF
THE STREET TO MYSELF.
IT'S GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE A KING.
OH, IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER.
PIT BULLS ARE THE [bleep].
IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE
IT.
IT'S AWESOME.
THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO P90X OR
SOMETHING.
JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE.
SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY
FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY
MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP.
MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE
COUCH BY HERSELF.
I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH
THE DOG.
"OH, THIS DOG IS AWESOME.
THIS DOG IS AWESOME.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM
"[bleep] THIS DOG," TO,
"OH, MY GOD.
THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.
HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE
ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"
OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.
I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY.
OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING
EVER.
YOU COME HOME.
IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL.
IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE,
YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO
IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN' APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS
AS A KID.
YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT.
AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO
FRAME OF REFERENCE.
IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID.
YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME.
IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BEING A
KID?
YOU HAD NO MONEY.
YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE,
NO NOTHING, NO KEYS TO THE
HOUSE.
YOU JUST RAN OUTSIDE INTO THE
WOODS.
YOU WEREN'T SCARED OF NOTHING.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO THAT AS AN
ADULT,
ALL YOUR I.D., ALL YOUR CREDI CARDS, JUST RUN OUT OF THE
HOUSE, NO PHONE, TURN THE
CORNER, WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR
HOUSE AND NOT HAVE A FULL-ON
PANIC ATTACK, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME?
I'LL GET LOCKED UP.
NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM.
WHAT IF I TWIST MY ANKLE?"
YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME AS A
KID, RIGHT?
YOU SHOW UP, NO MONEY.
YOU JUST GET STUFF, REAL CHEESE,
MOVIE TICKETS, RIGHT?
WHY WOULDN'T A DOG BE AWESOME?
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.
IT'S NOT TILL YOU'RE AN ADUL THAT YOU APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT?
YOUR DREAMS START DYING.
SOMEBODY CHEATS ON YOU, RIGHT?
BANKERS [bleep] UP YOUR 401(k),
YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU COME
HOME, AND THAT DOG'S LOOKING A YOU LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE
AWESOME," AND IT'S LIKE, "NO,
DUDE, YOU--YOU ARE [bleep].
YOU ARE THE [bleep]."
NO, IT'S THE GREATEST THING
EVER, ABSOLUTELY.
NO, IT'S UNREAL.
IT'S UNREAL.
BUT POOR GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S SITTING THERE GOING,
"JESUS CHRIST, YOU LOVE THE DOG
MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME."
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SWEETIE,
YOU'RE NOT AT THE BACK DOOR
SHAKING YOUR ASS EVERY TIME I
COME HOME."
[laughter]
IT'S A REALLY A TOUGH--NO MATTER
WHAT TIME, 4:00 IN THE MORNING
DRUNK.
THE DOG DOESN'T GIVE A [bleep].
"HEY, THAT'S AWESOME.
WHOO."
[laughter]
AND I'M 41 YEARS OLD, AND IF
I'M LUCKY, YOU KNOW WHAT I
REALIZED?
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY [bleep]
RIGHT NOW.
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE, SO,
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING NERVOUS,
YOU KNOW, ABOUT DYING, YOU
KNOW, JUST GROWING OLD, MAN.
I WAS NEVER REALLY NERVOUS ABOU TILL I GOT TO THIS AGE, AND,
YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
I WENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S
100-YEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY,
AND I QUICKLY REALIZED THA WOMEN AGE A LOT BETTER TOWARDS
THE END, YOU KNOW?
GUYS, WE HANG WITH THEM IN THE
BEGINNING, BECAUSE WE'RE YOUNG,
AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE, THEY'RE
HAVING KIDS, SO WE KIND OF PASS
THEM, BUT THAT END, THAT LAS THIRD, WE'RE LIKE THE STOCK
MARKET.
WE JUST--WE JUST GO RIGHT DOWN
TO THE GROUND.
IT'S BRUTAL.
I WENT TO THIS PARTY.
ALL THE OLD LADIES THERE WERE
UNBELIEVABLY SHARP.
THEY WERE STILL PLAYING CARDS.
THEY WERE RIGHT THERE.
BUT SOME OF THE OLD DUDES, MAN,
THEY WERE BRUTAL, YOU KNOW?
YOU EVER SEE A GUY, LIKE, SO
OLD, HE HAS, LIKE, THA PERMANENT LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS
FACE?
[laughter]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
A COUPLE OF GUYS WALKED IN.
THEY LOOKED OKAY.
"HOW YA DOIN'?"
THEN THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY
THAT JUST COMES WALKING IN JUS LIKE...
[laughter]
DUDE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SITTING
DOWN MEETING PEOPLE.
"AND THIS IS MY GRANDSON BILL."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, HOW MUCH PAIN
ARE YOU IN THAT YOU CONSTANTLY
HAVE A LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE
THAT [bleep] FROM THE RING
JUST CRAWLED OU OF YOUR TV SET?"
DUDE, THAT'S GOT TO BE--
YOU'RE, LIKE, SO OLD, LIKE,
EVERYTHING HURTS.
YOU'RE JUST STANDING UP.
YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH, MY FEET."
YOU GO TO LEAN ON SOMETHING.
"AHH, MY ARM."
EVEN, LIKE, BLINKING, LIKE, AIR
HURTS.
"HEE-AAAAAHH."
DUDE, [bleep] KILL ME.
KILL ME IF I EVER END UP LIKE
THAT.
DUDE, I'LL [bleep] KILL MYSELF.
I'LL ROCK MYSELF DOWN A FLIGH OF STAIRS.
I'LL LEAN BACK, HIT MY HEAD ON A
SINK, WHATEVER I'VE GOT TO DO.
I TOLD YOU, I ALREADY THINK
ABOUT KILLING MYSELF TWICE A
WEEK AT THIS AGE.
THERE IS NO [bleep] WAY I'M
GOING OUT LIKE THAT.
AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I'M
WALKING AROUND...
AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS THA PANICKED, "OH, [bleep].
IS IT GOING DOWN?" LOOK ON
THEIR FACE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY
MORNING BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?
HOW DO FIGHT THE URGE TO NO JUST JAM THAT TOOTHBRUSH RIGH DOWN YOUR THROAT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KILLS ME,
WAS, ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD THA LOOK ON THEIR FACE.
NONE OF THE OLD LADIES DID.
SOME OF THE OLD LADIES HAD A
LOOK OF, LIKE, MILD
DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU KNOW?
JUST SITTING THERE LIKE...
[laughter]
YOU KNOW, LIKE THEY ALWAYS
WANTED TO GO TO EUROPE, BUT THEY
NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.
[laughter]
BUT ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD, LIKE,
THAT...
[laughter]
DUDE, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY
WANTED TO TELL YOU A SECRET.
LIKE, "WHERE'S THE GOLD?"
[laughter]
"CAN YOU REMEMBER THE
COMBINATION?"
[laughter]
WHAT IS THAT?
SOMEBODY SAID IT'S, LIKE, A MILD
FORM OF DEMENTIA OR IT'S, YOU
KNOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT'S FROM?
I THINK IT'S FROM BEING MARRIED
FOR 60 YEARS, GETTING NAGGED
EVERY DAY, AND NEVER ONCE
LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE BEING LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE [bleep]
UP?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HEY, I GOT IT.
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.
WELL, THEN [bleep] LEAVE."
[laughter and applause]
IS IT THAT, OR DO THEY, LIKE,
WEAR YOU DOWN?
I THINK THEY WEAR YOU DOWN,
BECAUSE I KNOW AS A YOUNG MAN,
I HAD A LOT MORE SPRING IN MY
STEP.
YOUNG GUYS, YOUR GIRL GIVES YOU
[bleep], YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN GO FOR A DRIVE.
"WHERE'S THIS RELATIONSHIP
GOING?
THIS FEELS WEIRD.
WE NEED TO TALK."
"HEY, [bleep] YOU, LADY."
YOU GET IN THE CAR AND GO FOR
A DRIVE, PUNCH THE CEILING A
COUPLE TIMES.
YOU SCREAM OUT THE WINDOW,
"BITCH," YOU KNOW?
YOU GET IT OUT.
YOU GET IT OUT BEFORE YOUR FACE
GETS ALL TWISTED UP.
GET IT OUT.
AH, I'M BACK TO ME.
YEAH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP,
RIGHT?
YOU GET MARRIED.
15 YEARS LATER, YOU'VE GOT A
COUPLE OF KIDS.
YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE GUT GOING,
ALL RIGHT?
SHE STARTS IN ON YOU WITH THA WHOLE LAUNDRY LIST OF STUFF
YOU'VE GOT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE
MARRIED.
"SUSIE HAS BALLET PRACTICE.
IT GETS OVER AT 2:00.
MAKE SURE YOU'RE THERE AT 2:00.
YOU WERE THERE AT 2:02 THE
OTHER DAY, AND SHE WAS VERY
UPSET.
NO, YOU WERE.
YOU WERE.
I ACTUALLY DOCUMENTED THE RECORD
ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND..."
AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN
UPPERCUT.
YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN
UPPERCUT.
NO, IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.
IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.
BUT YOU DON'T.
YOU NEVER LEAD WITH AN UPPERCUT.
YOU SET IT UP WITH THE JAB.
YOU GET INSIDE.
YOU COME RIGHT UP THROUGH THE
CLEAVAGE.
YOU ROCK THAT HEAD BACK.
YOU SEND HER RIGHT ACROSS THE
LINOLEUM, TAKE THAT DIRTY PISTOL
OUT.
YOU LAY IT NEXT TO HER, WIPE
OFF THE DOOR HANDLE.
NO, [bleep].
NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT.
[laughter]
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN.
YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL.
YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED.
IT'S AWFUL, YOU KNOW.
YOU DON'T DO THAT, RIGHT?
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW,
RIGHT?
YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T YELL, 'CAUSE YOUR KIDS
ARE THERE.
YOU CAN'T GO FOR A DRIVE.
YOU DON'T HAVE A COOL CAR
ANYMORE.
YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, SOME CARAVAN
WITH THOSE STICKY
CHILDREN OF THE CORN
HANDPRINTS ALL OVER THE
WINDSHIELD.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,
AND YOU JUST DO THAT, LIKE,
WHISPER YELLING.
[bleep].
[bleep].
AND THEN I THINK JUST ONE DAY,
YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.
YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.
YOU'RE TIRED.
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE,
60 YEARS.
YOUR BODY'S BREAKING DOWN.
YOU BLEW YOUR KNEE OUT AT THE
"Y" PLAYING PICKUP BALL, LIKE,
30 YEARS EARLIER IN THE
50-AND-OLDER LEAGUE,
YOU KNOW, AND YOU JUST WAN TO WATCH THE GAME,
AND SHE COMES IN THAT ONE LAS TIME, RIGHT, JUST TO ANNOY YOU.
JUST PICKING ON YOU.
"AND YOU WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO MY
MOTHER, AND I ALWAYS RESENTED
YOU FOR IT.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN MORE
LIKE YOUR BROTHER," RIGHT?
AND YOU START TO--"YOU KNOW
WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS,"
RIGHT?
AND YOU GO TO GET UP,
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HITS YOU
THAT THEY DAY BEFORE WAS THE
LAST DAY YOU HAD THE QUAD
STRENGTH TO GET UP AND OUT OF
YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR, AND THAT'S
WHEN THE PANIC SETS IN.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [bleep].
DUDE, I CAN'T GET UP.
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON' REALIZE THOSE OLD GUYS ARE
ACTUALLY TRYING TO ESCAPE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
LIKE, "IS SHE LOOKING?
AM I GONNA MAKE IT?
AVENGE ME."
LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME.
YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.
THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR
COMING OUT.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.
[cheers and applause]
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT HERE.
OKAY, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, I DIDN'T CURE ANYTHING.
JESUS CHRIST.
[laughter]
[bleep] LIFETIME ACHIEVEMEN AWARD OUT HERE.
[laughter]
[laughs]
I...I HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD
FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS.
I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I'M JUST REALLY THINKING THE
WORST OF PEOPLE.
[laughter]
I REALLY AM.
YOU SHOULD SEE SOME OF THE
ANIMALS--SOME OF THE ANIMALS I
SEE.
LIKE, I WAS IN THE AIRPORT THE
OTHER DAY, RIGHT?
I'M SITTING THERE WAITING FOR MY
FLIGHT TO TAKE MY LIFE AND
WATCHING THIS--WATCHING
THIS LADY.
SHE'S EATING EGG MCMUFFINS,
LIKE, PLURAL, AND JUST THREW,
LIKE, THREE OF THEM RIGHT DOWN
HER THROAT LIKE A PELICAN.
JUST, LIKE, RIGHT DOWN HER
GULLET.
AND WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE WIPED
HER FACE WITH THE BAG.
[laughter]
AHH, WITH THE BAG, NOT EVEN
LIKE A GENTLEMAN.
LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST DO THE
CORNERS," AND, "AHHHH."
THEN SHE JUST KIND OF
STRAIGHT-RAZOR SHAVED.
JUST AN ABSOLUTE ANIMAL.
I SAW THIS OTHER DUDE.
HE WAS SO OUT OF SHAPE, HE WAS,
LIKE, TRYING TO ITCH HIS BACK,
AND HE COULDN'T REACH IT, SO HE
WALKED UP TO A SUPPORT POLE
THAT WAS HOLDING UP AN ENTIRE
FLOOR OF THE AIRPORT AND JUS WALKS UP, AND HE JUST STARTS,
LIKE, RUBBING UP AGAINST I LIKE A GRIZZLY BEAR.
JUST SITTING THERE.
JUST A [bleep] ANIMAL.
[laughter]
DUDE, I AM SO PRO-SWINE FLU,
IT'S, LIKE, RIDICULOUS.
I WANT IT.
WE NEED A PLAGUE.
I'M TELLING YOU, WE NEED A
PLAGUE.
IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, AND DON'T BE
AFRAID.
IT'S ONLY GONNA--IT'S ONLY GONNA
KILL THE WEAK, YOU KNOW?
SERIOUSLY, PUT ON A SWEATER.
TAKE SOME VITAMINS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.
JUST...
YOU'VE GOT TO LET MOTHER NATURE
DO HER THING, MAN.
SHE KEEPS TRYING TO HELP US OUT,
AND WE WON'T LET HER DO IT.
KEEPS TRYING TO THIN THE HERD,
AND EVERY SINGLE TIME, WE'RE
LIKE, "OH, GO DOWN AND GET YOUR
VACCINATION."
WHY?
WHY?
SO EGG MCMUFFIN LADY CAN BREED
WITH THE BACK FAT GUY,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S GOT TO HAPPEN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET HER DO IT.
SERIOUSLY, PLAGUE, IT'S LIKE
NATURE'S FOREST FIRE,
YOU KNOW?
JUST LET IT BURN OUT ALL THE
DEAD WOOD.
[laughter]
NO, I SWEAR TO GOD.
WE'RE THE ONLY--WE'RE THE ONLY
SPECIES THAT SAVES THE WEAK.
WE REALLY ARE.
LIONS DON'T DO THAT [bleep],
YOU KNOW?
A LION GETS A LITTLE THORN IN
HIS PAW, AND EVERYBODY'S,
"SLOW DOWN.
DO YOU HAVE AN EAR INFECTION?
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
DO YOU NEED SOME PENICILLIN?"
AND IT'S LIKE, "[bleep] HIM."
[laughter]
THAT'S WHY THERE'S NO TRAFFIC
ON THE SERENGETI.
[laughter]
THERE'S NOT A BUNCH OF LIONS
JUST STANDING THERE IN GRIDLOCK
LIKE, "WHAT THE [bleep] IS
GOING ON UP THERE?
DUDE, GO.
JUST [bleep] GO."
AN HOUR LATER, YOU GET UP THERE.
THERE'S SOME HYENA LICKING HIS
BALLS.
LIKE, "OH, THAT WAS THE BIG
HOLDUP, RIGHT?
LIKE YOU NEVER SAW THAT BEFORE.
OH, BY ALL MEANS, SLOW DOWN
AND LOOK AT IT."
[laughter]
SO I'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND, MAN.
I WATCH A LOT OF TV WITH HER,
YOU KNOW?
I JUST ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF
HER.
SHE LOVES WATCHING THE OPRAH
WINFREY SHOW,
AND I LOVE, LIKE, WATCHING HER
WATCH THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.
AND I WAIT FOR OPRAH TO SAY
SOMETHING STUPID, AND THE SECOND
SHE DOES, I JUST TAKE IT OUT ON
MY GIRL, BECAUSE I'M AN ASSHOLE.
[laughter]
NO, IT'S WHAT I DO.
NO, WE WERE WATCHING IT THE
OTHER DAY, YOU KNOW.
OPRAH'S ON THERE.
SHE'S INTERVIEWING SOME CLAM,
YOU KNOW, AND...
[laughter]
SHE'S GIVING HER THIS BIG,
RIDICULOUS INTRO, LIKE, "SHE'S
DONE THIS.
SHE'S DONE THAT.
SHE'S DONE THIS.
AND SHE DOES THE MOST DIFFICUL JOB ON THE PLANET.
SHE'S A MOTHER."
AND CONTINUES ON, AND
IMMEDIATELY, I JUST LOOK AT MY
GIRLFRIEND LIKE...
YOU KNOW.
LIKE, "REALLY?
BEING A MOTHER IS THE MOS DIFFICULT JOB ON THE PLANET?
OH, YEAH, ALL THOSE MOTHERS WHO
DIE EVERY YEAR FROM BLACK LUNG
FROM INHALING ALL THAT COAL
DUST."
[laughter]
DUDE, WOMEN ARE JUST CONSTANTLY
PATTING THEMSELVES ON THE BACK
ABOUT HOW DIFFICULT THEIR LIVES
ARE, AND NO ONE CORRECTS THEM,
'CAUSE THEY WANT TO [bleep]
'EM.
[laughter and applause]
NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
SO THERE'S JUST THIS TORNADO
OF, LIKE, MISINFORMATION.
"I HAVE THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB
ON THE PLANET."
WHAT WOULD YOU RATHER BE DOING,
DRILLING TO THE CENTER OF THE
EARTH, SHAKING HANDS WITH THE
DEVIL,
EVERY TIME THERE'S A RUMBLE IN
THE GROUND, YOU'RE WAITING FOR
THE WHOLE THING TO COLLAPSE DOWN
ON TOP OF YOU SO THEY CAN WRITE
THAT FOLK SONG ABOUT YOU, YOU
KNOW?
OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE UP IN
THE SUNSHINE RUNNING AROUND
WITH A COUPLE OF TODDLERS
THAT YOU CAN SEND TO BED
ANYTIME YOU WANT ON SOME
SORT OF TRUMPED-UP CHARGES,
RIGHT?
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK
AND WATCH THE PRICE IS RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON
THE PLANET."
OH, YEAH?
I THOUGHT ROOFING IN THE MIDDLE
OF JULY AS A REDHEAD--I THOUGH THAT THAT WAS DIFFICULT,
BUT THESE MOTHERS ARE BENDING
OVER AT THE WAIST PUTTING DVDs
INTO DVD PLAYERS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT.
[laughter]
DUDE, ANY JOB THAT YOU CAN DO IN
YOUR PAJAMAS IS NOT A DIFFICUL JOB, ALL RIGHT?
GIVE ME A BREAK.
JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE 35 YEARS
OLD PLAYING HIDE-AND-GO-SEEK.
YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.
YOU'RE LIVING THE DREAM.
NO TIME CARD, NO TAXES.
YOU'RE OFF THE [bleep] GRID.
[laughter]
MAKING POPSICLE STICK HOUSES.
I MEAN...
[laughter]
"IT'S THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB ON
THE PLANET."
OPRAH'S NOT EVEN A MOTHER.
HOW THE [bleep] WOULD SHE KNOW?
UNBELIEVABLE.
[cheers and applause]
[laughs]
GRANTED, NEITHER AM I, BUT I,
YOU KNOW, I THINK IT KIND OF
BALANCES ITSELF OUT.
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE
AT THIS AGE, YOU KNOW, AND I'VE
BEEN AN ANGRY SON OF A BITCH,
AND I'VE GOT TO TURN THIS
AROUND, MAN.
I'M EMBARRASSED WITH MY--I DON' WANT TO BE THAT GUY.
YOU DIE AS THE ANGRY GUY.
THAT'S THE WORST DUDE TO DIE AS,
BECAUSE THEN PEOPLE HAVE GOT TO
TRY TO THINK OF HAPPY [bleep] TO
SAY ABOUT YOU AT YOUR FUNERAL.
THEY'RE JUST SITTING THERE LIKE,
"HE, UH...
YOU KNOW, HE ALWAYS PAID HIS
BILLS ON TIME, YOU KNOW.
YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM THAT,
YOU KNOW.
GOD DAMN IT, YOU GAVE THIS GUY
A BILL, HE PAID IT.
THIS GUY WAS A BILL-PAYING SON
OF A BITCH, IRONED HIS SHIRTS.
I--I GOT NOTHING.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY
ABOUT THE GUY.
HE'S JUST..."
NO...
NO, I NOTICED--YOU KNOW WHEN I
KNEW I HAD AN ANGER PROBLEM
WAS WHEN--JUST, LIKE, LITTLE
RANDOM THINGS.
LIKE, I WENT TO THIS PLACE
ANOTHER TIME.
I'M ON THE ROAD, AND I'M
ORDERING FOOD, AND I WAS DONE
ORDERING THE FOOD, AND THE GUY
BEHIND THE COUNTER ASKED ME IF I
WANTED A COOKIE, RIGHT?
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, I JUST HAD
THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUST TO
BLAST THIS GUY RIGHT IN THE
FACE.
[laughter]
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE PARANOID,
BUT MY BRAIN WAS JUST SITTING
THERE GOING LIKE, "DUDE, WHA KIND OF A MAN ASKS ANOTHER MAN
IF HE WANTS A COOKIE?
THIS GUY THINKS YOU'RE SOFT OR
SOMETHING."
"OH, YOU WANT A COOKIE, HUH?
YOU WANT A COOKIE THERE,
CUPCAKE?"
WHO THE [bleep] IS HE?
HE DOESN'T [bleep] KNOW YOU LIKE
THAT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE SAD THING
WAS, WAS I WANTED A COOKIE.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED ONE,
SITTING THERE WITH A BIG GLASS
OF MILK LIKE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD.
WHO DOESN'T LOVE A COOKIE, YOU
KNOW?
BUT I SAY IT.
I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.
YOU DON'T [bleep].
I SAY IT.
I SAY I WANT A COOKIE.
I BRING IT UP, AND IF YOU
BRING IT UP, YOU DO IT SUBTLE.
YOU DON'T JUST YELL IT ACROSS
THE RESTAURANT.
"YOU WANT A COOKIE, YOU PUSSY,
PUSSY, PUSSY?"
[laughter]
YEAH, SO THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
I'VE GOT A...
[laughter]
ANYBODY ELSE'S THOUGHTS JUS WAKE THEM UP IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT?
YOU JUST WAKE UP.
"OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'M
GONNA MAKE IT," YOU KNOW?
[laughter]
NO, YOU KNOW, MY BIG MOVE--
ACTUALLY, I'M A LOT HAPPIER
THAN I USED TO BE, MAN.
I [bleep] AROUND A LOT WHEN I'M
UP HERE, BUT I'M DEFINITELY A
LOT MORE HAPPIER.
MY BIG MOVE, YOU KNOW, I DECIDED
I WASN'T GONNA GO HOME FOR THE
HOLIDAYS.
THAT WAS A BIG THING.
I HAD TO.
THERE YOU GO, ONE GUY RIGH THERE.
YEAH, I HAD TO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT AGE YOU
DECIDED NOT TO, BUT I WENT HOME
AT 39 NOT MARRIED, NO KIDS,
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "THERE IS
NO WAY I AM GOING HOME AT 40.
THERE'S NO WAY.
THERE'S NO WAY."
PEOPLE AREN'T EVEN, LIKE, ASKING
QUESTIONS.
THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU WEIRD.
JUST LIKE, "SO YOU'RE JUST..."
[laughter]
"YOU'RE JUST GONNA TELL JOKES,
YOU KNOW?
TALK ABOUT DISEASE AND WISH I ON PEOPLE AND MAKE FUN OF
PEOPLE WHO LIKE CAKE.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO?
YOU DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A
CUL-DE-SAC AND HAVE A COUPLE OF
KIDS AND GRADUALLY RESEN EVERYONE AND THEN TAKE YOUR OWN
LIFE?
YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THAT?"
[laughter]
YEAH.
NO, DUDE, I WOULD LOVE TO BE
MARRIED.
LIKE, IN MY HEAD, IT ALL MAKES
SENSE.
LIKE, I--YOU KNOW?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BU IT JUST--IT SCARES ME.
WHEN I SEE MARRIED GUYS, I JUS GET, LIKE, NERVOUS, MAN, THA I'M JUST GONNA BE, LIKE, THA STEREOTYPICAL MARRIED GUY, YOU
KNOW?
JUST, LIKE, A SHELL OF MY FORMER
SELF.
YOU KNOW, EVERY WEEKEND UP ON
THAT SILVER LADDER JUST SCOOPING
[bleep] OUT OF THE GUTTERS.
[laughter]
MY NEIGHBOR COMING OVER, YOU
KNOW.
"HEY, BILL, HOW'S IT GOING?"
"OH, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD,
PRETTY GOOD.
YEAH, SUSIE KEEPS GETTING
BIGGER, YOU KNOW.
I'VE BEEN WEARING THIS SHIRT FOR
11 YEARS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY
DREAMS, YOU KNOW.
I JUST LIKE COMING UP HERE
'CAUSE IT'S QUIET.
YEAH, I JUST STAND UP HERE
AND THINK ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE
BEEN.
YEAH."
MY NEIGHBOR'S NOT EVEN LISTENING
TO ME.
HE'S ALL EXCITED ABOUT SOME
GARDEN HOSE HE BOUGHT A BROOKSTONE.
HE'S CONVINCED IT WAS DESIGNED
BY NASA.
"ACTUALLY, IT'S GOT TWO NOZZLES,
ONE FOR THE HOT AND ONE FOR THE
COLD."
REALLY?
IS IT LONG ENOUGH TO GO AROUND
BOTH OUR NECKS AND THE CHIMNEY
SO WE CAN TANDEM JUMP OFF OF
THIS?
THAT'S ALL I REALLY CARE ABOU YOU AND YOUR LITTLE GARDEN HOSE.
[laughter]
NOW, I KNOW I JUST SORT OF
MENTIONED KILLING MYSELF THERE.
[laughter]
I DON'T WANT TO FREAK YOU OUT,
ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE I DID THA JOKE WHEN I WAS DOWN IN THE
BIBLE BELT, AND I WAS DOWN
SOUTH, AND THIS GIRL TOOK ME
REALLY SERIOUSLY.
SHE CAME UP TO ME AT THE END OF
THE SHOW, AND SHE'S LIKE,
"YOU'RE NOT REALLY THINKING
ABOUT DOING SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
ARE YOU?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY..."
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO, NO, NO.
I'M JUST JOKING.
I'M JUST JOKING."
SHE GOES, "GOOD, 'CAUSE, YOU
KNOW, YOU CAN'T GO TO HEAVEN IF
YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, "YEAH, YOU
KNOW, I REALLY DON'T GIVE A
[bleep], YOU KNOW?"
[laughter]
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T.
I JUST LIKE FREAKING OUT PEOPLE
THAT ARE THAT RELIGIOUS,
THAT HAVE A WHOLE LITTLE
CHECKLIST.
"[bleep] IF YOU DO THIS, YOU GO
HERE, AND IF YOU DO THAT..."
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.
SHUT UP, YOU KNOW?
I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL
THOUGHT.
I THINK IT'S A VERY NORMAL
THOUGHT TO THINK ABOUT KILLING
YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?
I DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?
ANYTIME I THINK ABOUT KILLING
MYSELF, IT'S NEVER OVER ANYTHING
BIG.
IT'S ALWAYS LITTLE THINGS.
LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WANT TO
TAKE MYSELF OUT.
IT'S BIZARRE.
LIKE, IF MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP
WITH ME, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO
YOU.
I WOULD BE DEVASTATED,
DEVASTATED.
I'D BE LAYING ON THE GROUND
CRYING IN THE FETAL POSITION
FOR, LIKE, THREE DAYS, YOU
KNOW.
BUT, YOU KNOW, BY THE FOURTH
DAY, YOU KNOW, I'D RUB ONE OUT,
YOU KNOW, START PUTTING THE
PIECES BACK TOGETHER.
I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO,
JOIN A GYM, LIE TO MYSELF THA I'M GONNA GET THE SIX-PACK BACK.
I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT TO DO, ALL
RIGHT?
BUT LITTLE THINGS.
I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING
MYSELF, LIKE, A YEAR AGO ON
THANKSGIVING.
AND YOU KNOW WHY IT WAS?
IT WAS BECAUSE I SAID I WAS
GONNA MAKE A PIE.
THAT LITTLE STATEMENT MADE ME
THINK ABOUT TAKING MYSELF OUT.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
THIS IS BASICALLY THE DEAL,
RIGHT?
MY GIRLFRIEND'S AN ANGEL.
SHE ABSOLUTELY LOVES THE
HOLIDAYS, SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO
WEEKS BEFORE THANKSGIVING, SO
SHE'S ALL EXCITED.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
THANKSGIVING'S COMING UP."
I'M SITTING THERE TRYING TO
WATCH THE GAME.
"THANKSGIVING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR
THANKSGIVING," RIGHT?
AND I STARTED FREAKING OUT.
LIKE, I DIDN'T THINK I HAD TO DO
ANYTHING FOR THANKSGIVING, YOU
KNOW?
I JUST THOUGHT I HAD TO, YOU
KNOW, NOT GET DRUNK AND BE
BELLIGERENT AROUND YOUR FRIENDS.
I THOUGHT I WAS FINE.
SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I'M GONNA MAKE
A TURKEY.
I'M GONNA MAKE STUFFING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?"
SO I PANICKED.
I'M LIKE, "I'LL [bleep] MAKE A
PIE."
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE A PIE.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HER GO
AWAY, YOU KNOW?
YOU EVER DO THAT?
YOU JUST AGREE WITH THEM
THINKING IT WILL MAKE THEM
LEAVE?
LIKE, "AWESOME, WHAT YOU SAID,
HIGH FIVE, [bleep] OFF,"
AND YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING THE
GAME.
YEAH.
NO, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED.
IT TOTALLY WORKED, BECAUSE SHE
WALKED AWAY COMPLETELY EXCITED.
SHE WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW, RAN
AWAY ALL EXCITED, AND I TOTALLY
FORGOT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
TWO WEEKS LATER, THANKSGIVING
COMES UP, RIGHT?
SHE JUST WAKES UP.
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THAT PIE,
RIGHT?
YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA MAKE A
PIE."
I WAS LIKE, "[bleep]."
I'VE GOT TO MAKE A PIE.
I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE GROCERY
STORE.
I'VE GOT TO BUY SOME FLOUR.
THEN I JUST STARTED THINKING,
"MAN, WHAT IF I JUST SLAMMED MY
HEAD RIGHT THROUGH THIS PLATE
GLASS WINDOW AND JUST BLED OU RIGHT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE
HOUSE, YOU KNOW?
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO MAKE THE
PIE."
SO IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M
SUICIDAL.
IT'S MORE LIKE I'M, LIKE, LAZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, WHENEVER I KNOW THE NEX FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE IS GONNA
SUCK, I THINK ABOUT IT.
"GOD, I'VE GOT TO PAY MY TAXES.
THERE'S A LONG LINE AT THE
BANK," AND THEN A BUS IS COMING
BY.
"WHAT IF I JUST DOVE HEADFIRS RIGHT INTO THOSE DOUBLE BACK
TIRES?"
ANYBODY ELSE?
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT [bleep]
LIKE THAT?
[cheers and applause]
YOU KNOW WHAT GETS ME?
CEILING FANS.
SOMEBODY'S TELLING ME SOME STUFF
I DON'T WANT TO DO.
"YOU'RE GONNA NEED TWO FORMS OF
I.D.
WE NEED YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE."
AND A CEILING FAN'S BEHIND
THE HEAD.
I'LL BE, "I'LL GET RIGHT ON
THAT."
DOING, DOING, DOING.
[laughter]
SO ANYWAY, SO I DECIDED NOT TO
GO HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
THAT'S WHAT I'M REALLY TRYING TO
TELL YOU HERE.
NO, I DID.
I KIND OF CAME TO THIS EPIPHANY.
I'M LIKE, "MAN, I'M 41 YEARS
OLD.
MY DAD HAD FIVE KIDS BY THE
TIME HE WAS MY AGE.
I'VE GOT TO GET ON WITH MY
LIFE HERE."
SO I WAS, LIKE, GOING, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
I'M NOT WORKING THANKSGIVING.
I'M NOT WORKING CHRISTMAS.
I'M NOT WORKING NEW YEAR'S."
AND IT WAS, LIKE, THE MIDDLE OF
OCTOBER, AND I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A
MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT HALLOWEEN?"
THEN MY BRAIN WAS LIKE, "YOU
KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
I'M GETTING A PUMPKIN," RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW ANGRY MY BRAIN IS.
I CAN'T BE JUST LIKE, "YOU KNOW
WHAT?
HEY, LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
IT'S GOT TO BE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
LET'S GET A PUMPKIN."
[laughter]
THAT'S WHAT I STARTED THINKING.
I'M CARVING THAT [bleep].
I'M HANDING OUT CANDY TO THE
KIDS.
I'M MEETING THEM AT THE DOOR.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO
BE, HUH?
OH, YEAH?
FULL-SIZE SNICKERS, BAM.
WHO DOES THAT?
WHO DOES THAT?
NOBODY, NOBODY.
I WILL BREAK YOUR [bleep] BAG
WITH MY CANDY, HUH?
AC/DC PUMPKIN.
YOU EVER SEEN THAT BEFORE?
YOU HAVEN'T RIGHT?
YOU TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS WHERE
YOU SEEN THAT [bleep].
WHAT ARE YOU, LEANED TO ONE
SIDE?
THAT'S HEAVY.
HERE'S ANOTHER CANDY BAR.
YOU'LL BE LIKE DUMBBELLS, WALK
RIGHT DOWN THE STAIRS.
THIS IS HOW MUCH OF A MANIAC I
AM.
DO YOU KNOW--THIS IS ALL TRUE.
IT TOOK ME FOUR TRIPS TO GO TO
THE SUPERMARKET TO FINALLY BE
ABLE TO BUY THIS GODDAMNED
PUMPKIN, BECAUSE EVERY TIME I
WOULD WALK IN THERE TO GET IT,
I'D BE THINKING ALL THESE HAPPY
THOUGHTS.
"THIS IS A GREAT THING.
I'M EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS.
IT'S GONNA BRING ME AND MY
GIRLFRIEND TOGETHER.
THIS IS A VERY LOVING THING TO
DO."
AND I REACH OUT AND GRAB IT, AND
ALL I HEAR IN THE BACK OF MY
HEAD IS, "WHAT ARE YOU, A
[bleep]."
AND THEN IMMEDIATELY, I HAD TO
TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT.
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS WITH
GUYS.
ANY TIME YOU DO ANYTHING
REMOTELY SENSITIVE,
HEARTWARMING, ANYTHING THAT'S
GONNA MAKE YOU MORE OF A LOVING,
CARING INDIVIDUAL, IMMEDIATELY,
ALL YOUR GUY FRIENDS SUGGES THAT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU WAN TO SUCK A [bleep].
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
EVEN IF YOU DO SOMETHING SMART,
RIGHT, LIKE IT'S RAINING OUT.
"HE'S GOT AN UMBRELLA.
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE
WATER?
PUT YOUR SHOULDERS UP, YOU
[bleep].
JESUS CHRIST.
WHAT, DID YOU PULL THAT THING
OUT OF YOUR ASS?"
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO MAKE
SENSE.
"YOU CARVED A PUMPKIN?
WHAT DO YOU DO NEXT, CARVE SOME
GUYS ASS WITH YOUR [bleep]?
WHAT A [bleep].
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA BLOW A
SCARECROW?
DUDE, GET AWAY FROM ME WITH
YOUR GAY LITTLE PUMPKIN."
OH, IT'S BRUTAL.
"DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU, A [bleep]"
IS THE REASON WHY GUYS DROP A 55 OUT OF [bleep] NOWHERE.
IT'S LITERALLY FROM FIVE DECADES
OF JUST SUPPRESSING THE URGE TO,
LIKE, HUG A PUPPY, ADMIT A
BABY'S CUTE, SAY YOU WANT A
COOKIE.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO KEEP PUSHING
IT DOWN LIKE, "[bleep] THEM.
I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep].
I'M NOT SUCKING [bleep]."
ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
[cheers and applause]
NO, NO, NO, NO, AND THEN ONE
DAY--ONE DAY, YOU'RE IN A
DENNY'S, AND THEY FORGET TO PU BANANAS IN YOUR PANCAKES.
YOU JUST HAVE, LIKE, AN
ANEURISM, AND YOUR HEAD SLAMS
OFF THAT STICKY TABLE, AND THE
LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE I ALL GOES BLACK IS YOUR FRIENDS
GO, "HE GOT BANANAS IN HIS
PANCAKES.
WHAT A [bleep].
OH, MY GOD.
IT WASN'T SWEET ENOUGH WITH THE
SYRUP, YOU FAIRY?
HEY, BRING ANOTHER ONE OVER
WHOLE AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS,
RIGHT?
YEAH, 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A
DICK, RIGHT?
IT LOOKS LIKE A DICK.
YEAH, I THOUGHT IT, AND THEN I
SAID IT.
I'M AWESOME.
YEAH."
OH, IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE
WAY TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
YOU CAN'T--YOU'RE JUST DYING
EVERY DAY.
JUST EVERY DUMB THING THAT YOU
CAN DO AS A GUY,
ANY STUPID THING THAT'S GONNA
SHORTEN YOUR LIFE MAKES YOU MORE
OF A MAN.
[bleep] ZERO DEGREES OUT.
YOU DON'T HAVE A COAT ON.
"DUDE, YOU COLD?"
YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.
"NO, I'M NOT COLD.
DUDE, I'M NOT COLD.
I'M JUST THINKING OF SOMETHING I
REALLY AGREE WITH," YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
NO.
I'M TRYING TO LET GO OF THIS
BALL OF HATE IN MY CHEST.
THAT'S WHY I DON'T HAVE ANY
KIDS.
I DON'T.
I THINK IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE TO BE
A COMPLETE MANIAC, NOT WORK ON
YOURSELF, AND THEN JUST HAVE A
KID, AND THEN JUST STAR DOWNLOADING ALL YOUR [bleep]
THOUGHTS ONTO THEIR PRISTINE
LITTLE HARD DRIVE, YOU KNOW?
YOU SEND THEM OFF TO SCHOOL
WITH YOUR LITTLE--YOUR LITTLE
MANIFESTOS.
THEY'RE FREAKING OUT OTHER KIDS
AT SCHOOL.
"TWO PLUS TWO, TIMMY.
WHAT DID YOU GET?"
"DADDY KEEPS CASH IN THE WALLS,
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T TRUST BANKS."
[laughter]
YEAH.
NO, IT'S EMBARRASSING
TO KNOW THIS LITTLE ABOU YOURSELF AT MY AGE, MAN.
I'VE GOT TO GET BEYOND--
LIKE, DO YOU KNOW HOW I FINALLY
ENDED UP GETTING THAT PUMPKIN?
YOU KNOW HOW I DID IT?
I ACTUALLY HAD TO BRING MY
GIRLFRIEND DOWN TO THE
SUPERMARKET, AND I HAD TO WALK
HER BY THE PUMPKINS, BECAUSE I
KNEW THE SECOND I DID IT, SHE
WAS GONNA FREAK OUT, AND SHE
DID.
THE SECOND SHE SAW THEM, SHE WAS
JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, A
PUMPKIN.
HALLOWEEN'S COMING UP.
WE SHOULD GET A PUMPKIN.
OH, MY GOD, LET'S GE A PUMPKIN."
SHE STARTS DOING, LIKE, THIS
LITTLE PUMPKIN DANCE, AND I
HAD THIS UNBELIEVABLE URGE JUS TO TAKE HER HEAD AND JUS [bleep] MUSH IT RIGHT INTO THE
PUMPKINS AND REALLY HOLD I THERE FOR A SECOND, LIKE, FEEL
THE PANIC IN THE BACK OF HER
HEAD AS THE AIR BUBBLES BECAME,
LIKE, LESS AND LESS FREQUEN AS SHE SAT THERE CONTEMPLATING,
"IS THIS HOW IT'S GONNA END,
PUMPKIN SEEDS UP MY NOSE?
I ALWAYS ENVISIONED BEING
SURROUNDED BY LOVED ONES LOOKING
BACK ON ACHIEVEMENTS.
IT'S SO ORANGE."
[laughter]
NO, I RESENTED HER.
I RESENTED THE FACT SHE GETS TO
BE A [bleep].
SHE DOES.
SHE GETS TO SEE PUMPKINS.
"OH, MY GOD."
RIGHT?
SEES A LITTLE PUPPY.
"IT'S SO CUTE."
CRIES AT SAD MOVIES.
I'VE GOT TO HOLD ON TO ALL OF
THAT [bleep], SLOWLY DYING
INSIDE.
GO OUT TO GO SEE A SAD MOVIE,
COMES TO THE SAD PART.
WHAT DO I DO?
SHE'S CRYING.
I'VE GOT TO THINK OF SOME FUNNY
[bleep].
"AH, WHAT IF SOMEBODY KICKS SEAN
PENN IN THE BALLS RIGHT NOW?
AH-HA-HA."
I START LAUGHING.
AND THEN THEY GET MAD AT YOU.
"HOW COULD YOU LAUGH DURING A
TIME LIKE THIS?"
BECAUSE I'M NOT [bleep] ALLOWED.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
I LIKE HOW YOU'RE TURNING THIS
INTO A TOWN MEETING, THIS GUY
DOWN HERE.
"THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO CRY WHEN I
WAS WATCHING LIFETIME, BUT, YOU
KNOW, I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO."
I GOT A DOG RECENTLY,
EVERYBODY.
THAT'S, LIKE, THE BIG THING.
YES, I DID.
I'M PSYCHED.
I WENT DOWN TO THE POUND.
I GOT ONE OF THOSE FREE DOGS,
FREE DOG.
THAT'S HOW I SAY IT TOO.
I DON'T SAY, "I RESCUED A DOG."
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THA STUFF.
THEY SAY, "SHE'S A RESCUE.
I RESCUED HER."
REALLY?
DID YOU PULL HER OUT OF A
BURNING BUILDING?"
[laughter]
"DID YOU JUMP IN A RIVER WITH
YOUR WING TIPS STILL ON WITH NO
CONCERN FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY,
OR DID YOU JUST GO DOWN TO THE
POUND AND GET A FREE DOG, YOU
CHEAP [bleep]?
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU DID?"
[laughter and applause]
I ACTUALLY--I DID NOT WANT TO
GET A RESCUE DOG.
I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT.
MY GIRL WAS ALL ABOUT IT.
SHE WAS LIKE, "WE SHOULD RESCUE
A DOG.
DO YOU WANT TO RESCUE A DOG?"
I'M LIKE, "NO, NO, I DON'T."
SHE'S LIKE, "WHY NOT?
I GO, "BECAUSE I THINK A LOT OF
THE DOGS DOWN AT THE POUND MIGH BE A LITTLE [bleep] IN THE
HEAD.
YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT?"
DUDE, THE SHELTER IS NOT A PE STORE.
THAT IS LIKE SHAWSHANK FOR A
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
WHY DON'T WE JUST GO DOWN TO THE
PRISON AND RESCUE AN INMATE AND
JUST ROLL THE DICE THAT MAYBE
THE GUY WAS WRONGLY CONVICTED?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
[bleep] THAT.
I WANT A BRAND-NEW 2009 BULLDOG,
ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT SOME 1995
HALF-A-LABRADOR WITH PART OF ITS
EAR CHEWED OFF, YOU KNOW?
I'VE GOT TO PUT TOGETHER ITS
BACKSTORY.
EVERY TIME I GO TO USE THE
TOASTER, IT STARTS FREAKING OUT,
BECAUSE HIS LAST OWNER HUNG HIM
FROM THE CEILING FAN EVERY TIME
THE JETS DIDN'T COVER THE OVER,
YOU KNOW?
DUDE, THAT'S AN ANIMAL, MAN.
THAT THING CAN KILL YOU.
DUDE, A RABID SQUIRREL,
HOW FAST A SQUIRREL IS.
IF I WAS WALKING HOME AT NIGH MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, BUT ALL
OF A SUDDEN, SOME SQUIRREL
STARTING RUNNING AT ME, BY THE
TIME I PROCESS LIKE, "IS THAT A
RAT?
IS THAT MECHANICAL?"
THAT DUDE WOULD BE UP MY LEG
TAKING CHUNKS OUT OF THE SIDE OF
MY HEAD.
I'D HAVE TO TELL THAT STORY FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE IN A BAR.
"DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIDE
OF YOUR HEAD?"
"A [bleep] SQUIRREL, ALL RIGHT?
CHRIST, YOU DON'T THINK I'M
SENSITIVE?"
NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO SAY ALL
THOSE DOGS ARE BAD DOWN THERE,
BUT WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GE ONE OF THOSE CUJOS OR OLD
YELLERS, RIGHT?
I'M TELLING YOU, THEY LOVE DOGS
DOWN THERE SO MUCH, YOU'VE GO TO WATCH OUT WHAT THEY TELL YOU.
I WAS DOWN THERE.
THERE WAS THIS ONE DOG.
THIS THING WAS STARING AT ME SO
GODDAMNED HARD, MANIAC-LOOKING
DOG.
I'M LIKE, "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS
DOG?"
SHE WAS JUST LIKE, "OH, HE WAS
CHAINED TO PALLETTE IN A
JUNKYARD HIS ENTIRE LIFE."
AND I'M LIKE, "DOES IT HAVE
ANY ISSUES?"
SHE'S LIKE, "HE'S A LITTLE
AGGRESSIVE."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE, "WELL, WERE YOU GONNA
TELL ME THAT [bleep].
WERE YOU JUST GONNA THROWN IT IN
MY HATCHBACK AND LET ME FIGURE
IT OUT ON THE RIDE HOME?"
[laughter]
THE THING'S PULLING OUT A
SHARPENED TOOTHBRUSH TO STICK IN
MY NECK.
[laughter]
NO, THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
WHAT IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET ONE
OF THOSE CRAZY DOGS,
I GET UP AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING
TO TAKE A LEAK, AND THAT IS THE
EXACT MOMENT ITS PREVIOUS OWNER
USED TO COME HOME [bleep]FACED,
BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THE DOG?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M SETTING
OFF.
I'M SITTING THERE SHUFFLING
ALONG IN MY SLIPPERS, TYING MY
ROBE.
MEANWHILE, THE DOG'S GETTING ALL
AMPED UP LIKE, "[bleep] THIS
[bleep], MAN.
I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN' LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
IT'S TIME TO MAN-UP.
LET'S DO THIS ON THREE.
ONE, TWO, THREE."
AUGH!
IT COMES FLYING AT ME.
I'M GONNA BE LAYING IN THE
GROUND IN A POOL OF MY OWN
BLOOD.
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH THE
DOG?
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE HIM RIGH BACK DOWN TO THE POUND LIKE SOME
SORT OF REPEAT OFFENDER.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE HIM ON THE
NEWS IN, LIKE, SHACKLES, LIKE,
SHUFFLING ALONG.
"WE KNEW YOU'D BE BACK."
"YEAH, GET ME A MILK-BONE.
GO [bleep] YOURSELF."
YOU'RE GONNA WHEEL HIM IN LIKE
HANNIBAL LECTER WITH THAT LAMP
SHADE AROUND HIS NECK.
"AHH, AHH, AH-AH-AH-AHH."
[laughter]
YEAH, SO WE HAVE, LIKE, THIS
STALEMATE, YOU KNOW.
I WANTED THE BRAND-NEW BULLDOG,
YOU KNOW, AND SHE KEPT SEEING
THAT SARAH MCLAUGHLIN
COMMERCIAL, GETTING ALL SAD, YOU
KNOW?
OH, THEY OUGHT TO GET SUED FOR
FALSE ADVERTISEMENT IN THA THING.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
THEY HANDPICKED THOSE DOGS, THE
CUTEST LITTLE FUZZY...
"I JUST WANT TO PLAY FRISBEE,"
THOSE CUTE LITTLE, INNOCEN LITTLE DR. SEUSS-LOOKING DOGS.
WHERE ARE THE PIT BULLS?
WHERE ARE THE ROTTWEILERS?
WHERE ARE THOSE MANIACS YOU SEE
LIFTING WEIGHTS DOWN AT THE
SHELTER?
[laughter]
THEY'VE GOT THE SADDEST-LOOKING
DOGS EVER, AND SHE'S WHINING
OVER THE TOP OF THEM.
IN THE ARMS OF AN ANGEL
WHOO-WHOO-WHOOO, BOO-BOO-BOO
THOSE DOGS ARE LOOKING ALL SAD
AT THE CAMERA.
[laughter]
"MY LAST OWNER WASN'T A NICE
PERSON."
THE MOST RIDICULOUS BANDAGES,
LIKE THEY WERE IN SAVING PRIVATE
RYAN,
THAT THREE STOOGES RABBIT EAR.
"I HAVE A TOOTHACHE."
DID SHEMP OWN THAT DOG?
WHAT HAPPENED?
I LOVE THAT WHEN IT'S ALL
WRAPPED UP LIKE A MUMMY.
IT'S LIKE, HOW?
WHAT, DID IT GET HIT BY A
CANNONBALL DURING A CIVIL WAR
REENACTMENT?
DID A TYRANNOSAURUS PICK IT UP?
"AHH-AHH-AHH, POOF,"
SPIT IT OUT.
MY FAVORITE ONE IS THA ONE-EYED PUG.
OH, THERE'S A GREAT DOG.
YEAH, BRING THAT OVER TO THE
KIDS.
I'M SURE THAT WON'T FREAK THEM
OUT AT ALL.
"MOMMY, DID YOU GET US A DOG?"
"ARRGH, ARRGH."
"JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE
RIGHT.
DO NOT APPROACH HIM FROM THE
RIGHT.
JUST LET HIM SNIFF YOU.
COME AROUND.
IT BECOMES AN ENTIRELY DIFFEREN ANIMAL WHEN YOU DO THAT.
JUST KNOW YOU COME FROM--COME
FROM THE LEFT.
HIS NAME IS POOKY.
WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM POOKY NOW."
[laughter]
SO SHE WAS INTO THAT.
I WANTED TO GET THE BULLDOG.
THAT WAS MY THING.
I WAS, LIKE, I WANTED TO GET THE
BULLDOG, BUT THEN I STARTED
RESEARCHING ON THE BULLDOGS.
THEY'VE GOT ALL THESE HEALTH
PROBLEMS, MAN.
FROM DAY ONE, THEY CAN'T EVEN
BREATHE.
THEY COME OUT INTO THE WORLD.
IT'S LIKE THEY'VE BEEN WORKING
WITH ASBESTOS THEIR ENTIRE LIFE,
YOU KNOW?
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
THEY CAN'T EVEN BREATHE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE THEM SLEEPING
UPRIGHT IN THIS LA-Z-BOY RUBBING
VICKS VAPORUB ON THEIR CHEST.
THEY'VE GOT, LIKE, SLEEP APNEA.
THEY DIE NINE TIMES EVERY NIGHT.
WHY DON'T I JUST RESCUE A
RETIRED OFFENSIVE LINEMAN WHILE
I'M AT IT?
"YEAH, THIS IS JIM JEFFCOAT.
WE'RE GONNA CALL HIM LARRY
FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
FOR SOME STUPID REASON."
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO WE
WERE AT A STALEMATE, SO MY GIRL
DID WHAT MOST FEMALES DO.
THEY JUST FIGURE, "I KNOW IT'S
GOOD FOR HIM.
I KNOW IT'S GONNA MAKE HIM
HAPPY.
I'M GONNA MAKE A MAJOR DECISION
WITHOUT HIM, AND THEN HE'S GONNA
DEAL WITH IT."
YEAH, THAT'S HOW I GOT A DOG.
I GOT A DOG WHEN I WAS ON THE
ROAD.
I WAS ON THE ROAD, AND I JUS HAD A MESSAGE ON MY MACHINE.
IT WAS JUST, "BOOP,"
AND IT WAS HER, AND SHE'S JUS LIKE, "UM, OKAY, UM, I DID
SOMETHING, UM, KIND OF INVOLVES
BOTH OF US, BUT I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE IT.
JUST GIVE ME A CALL.
OKAY, BYE."
NOW, DOES THAT SOUND LIKE, "I
JUST SIGNED YOU UP FOR A 12- TO
15-YEAR COMMITMENT"?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THAT,
RIGHT?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE, "I BOUGHT A
NEW OUTFIT, AND I'M GONNA DRAG
YOU TO SOME AWFUL RESTAURAN DURING A PLAY-OFF GAME," RIGHT?
THAT'S WHAT IT FELT LIKE, SO
I'M READY FOR THAT ARGUMENT.
SHE TELLS ME SHE WENT OUT, AND
SHE GOT A DOG.
NOW, HALF OF ME ISN'T UPSET,
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE, "YOU GOT A
RESCUE DOG?"
"YEAH, WE HAVE IT FOR A WEEK,
AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO
KEEP IT, YOU CAN."
SO I GO, "LET ME SEE IT,"
SO WE STARTED SKYPEING, AND
SHE PANS AROUND.
YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GOT?
SHE GOT A PIT BULL.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
SHE GOT--I'M LIKE, "YOU GOT A
PIT BULL.
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [bleep]
MIND?
YOU GOT A PIT BULL?"
SHE GOES, "IT'S NOT A PIT BULL.
IT'S A MIX."
MIXED WITH WHAT, ANOTHER PI BULL?
LOOK AT THAT THING.
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BEEN DOING
PULL-UPS ITS ENTIRE LIFE."
IT'S FRONT PAWS WERE STILL TAPED
UP.
IT'S, LIKE, SHADOWBOXING IN THE
BACKGROUND.
IT'S BEEN P90XIN'.
IT'S A PIT BULL.
JESUS CHRIST.
AND SHE SAYS, LIKE, "NO, HE'S
SWEET."
SHE SAID, "NO, SHE'S ADORABLE,"
AND ALL THIS STUFF.
OH, THIS IS THE WORST PART.
I WASN'T GETTING HOME FOR THREE
DAYS, YOU KNOW,
AND SHE'S ALL WRAPPED UP IN THIS
DOG, YOU KNOW, AND I'M LIKE, "I
DON'T GET HOME FOR THREE DAYS.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET HOME ON
MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO GO TO
WORK?"
SHE GOES, "WELL, I JUST FIGURED
I'D DRIVE TO WORK, AND YOU COULD
JUST COME HOME TO THE APARTMEN AND MEET THE DOG THAT WAY."
I'M LIKE, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR
MIND?
I'M NOT COMING HOME TO THAT.
THAT DOG IS BONDING WITH YOU.
IT THINKS YOU GUYS LIVE THERE.
I'M GONNA COME WALKING IN AND
HAVE MY CALF RIPPED OFF BECAUSE
I'M TRYING TO SHOW MY NAME ON
THE PHONE BILL?
NO, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE
THAT."
SO SHE'S LIKE, "WELL, WHAT DO I
DO?"
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.
YOU TAKE THAT HELL HOUND,
YOU PUT IT IN THE GODDAMNED CAR,
DRIVE IT TO WORK.
PARK IN THE SHADE.
DO WHATEVER YOU'VE GOT TO DO.
I'M COMING HOME TO A SAFE HOUSE,
AND THEN YOU DRIVE HOME WITH THE
DOG.
CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE A HALF-MILE
AWAY.
I'LL MEET YOU AND CUJO DOWN IN
THE DRIVEWAY.
WE WILL ALL WALK IN TOGETHER.
I WILL BE IN THE FRONT TO SHOW
THAT I AM THE PACK LEADER,
BECAUSE I WATCHED HALF AN
EPISODE OF THE DOG WHISPERER,
AND I THINK THAT THAT'S WHA YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO,
I THINK.
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, IT'S ALL TRUE, RIGHT?
SO I GO DOWN TO THE DRIVEWAY,
AND I SEE THE DOG.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG.
IT'S LITERALLY, LIKE, WALKING
LIKE A MARINE OR SOME [bleep]
LIKE IT'S SNEAKING INTO
SOMETHING.
AND I'M LIKE, "OKAY, HERE WE
GO," TURNING MY BACK ON A PI BULL THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW
THAT TURNS OUT THEY DIDN'T GE IT TO SHELTER.
THEY FOUND IT BY THE L.A. RIVER.
IT LIVED BY THE L.A. RIVER
FOR TWO WEEKS, AND MY GIRL'S
RESPONSE TO THAT WAS LIKE,
"ISN'T THAT SAD?"
"NO, IT'S [bleep] SCARY."
"WHY IS IT SCARY?"
"WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IT GOT ENOUGH
PROTEIN, SO IT WASN'T EATING
BERRIES OUT THERE.
THAT THING WAS CHOKING OU COYOTES, YOU KNOW,
BREAKING THE NECKS OF SQUIRRELS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS DOING,
BUT IT DEFINITELY WAS--YOU
BROUGHT A MURDERER INTO THE
HOUSE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST RESCUE AN
ALLIGATOR WHILE YOU'RE AT I JUST TO ADD TO THE EXCITEMENT?"
SO WE GET THE DOG IN THE DAMN
HOUSE, AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
THOUGHT WAS GONNA HAPPEN.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT HER, AND THEN IT'S LOOKING A ME AND THEN LOOKING AT HER
LIKE, "WHO THE HELL'S THE NEW
GUY," RIGHT?
THE NEW GUY IS THE GUY PAYING
THE [bleep] RENT, AND I WAS
GETTING NO RESPECT, SO I WAS
JUST LIKE, RIGHT THERE, I WAS
JUST LIKE, "I KNOW WHAT SHE'S
DOING.
I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING.
SHE'S BRINGING THIS DOG HOME,
BECAUSE SHE THINKS I'M GONNA
FALL FOR IT, AND THEN WE'LL JUS HAVE THE DOG."
AND IT'S JUST, LIKE, I LOVE
ANIMALS, OKAY, BUT I'M NOT GONNA
LIVE WITH ONE THAT CAN [bleep]
KILL ME, YOU KNOW?
RESCUE A CHIHUAHUA, SO WHEN I FLIPS OUT BECAUSE I GRABBED THE
REMOTE TOO QUICKLY, I CAN FLICK
IT OFF THE GODDAMNED TABLE OR
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?
SO THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK.
WE GOT IT FOR A WEEK, AND THEN
WE MAKE OUR DECISION, SO I
JUST SHUT DOWN EMOTIONALLY.
I WAS LIKE, "[bleep] THIS DOG."
THE FIRST TWO DAYS, I DIDN' GIVE A [bleep], YOU KNOW.
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW, AND I WAS
JUST LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,
RIGHT, YOU KNOW?
THEN ON WEDNESDAY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
I STARTED TO LIKE IT A LITTLE
BIT, YOU KNOW?
NO, I WAS WATCHING TV, YOU KNOW.
I ALWAYS TALK TO MYSELF.
I'M ALWAYS HOME ALONE.
I FEEL LIKE A MANIAC.
I FINALLY HAD SOMEBODY TO BOUNCE
MY IDEAS OFF.
IT WAS KIND OF NICE,
SITTING THERE ON TV,
"YOU BELIEVE THESE GODDAMNED
BANKERS STEAL A TRILLION
DOLLARS, AND THEY GET A
BONUS--AND THEY GET A BONUS?"
THE DOG'S SITTING THERE LOOKING
AT ME, YOU KNOW.
[laughter]
BUT I'M FIGHTING IT.
"GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LIKE THIS DOG A LITTLE
BIT," YOU KNOW?
IT'S MAKING ME WANT TO WORK
OUT, YOU KNOW?
I ASKED IT A QUESTION.
"HOW DO YOU GET THESE MUSCLES?
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR THESE,
A WHEEL CRANK?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
[laughter]
AND THEN BY THURSDAY, YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING OUT IN THE AIR.
I'M WALKING THE DOG, AND I'M
LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT.
I THINK I LOVE THIS DOG.
THIS IS [bleep]."
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
EVER WALKED A PIT BULL.
YOU OWE TO YOUR LIFE AT SOME
POINT IN YOUR LIFE TO WALK A PI BULL DOWN THE STREET.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S THE
GREATEST EXPERIENCE EVER.
PEOPLE JUST GET THE [bleep] OU OF THE WAY.
[laughter]
IT'S UNREAL.
THREE, FOUR BLOCKS AWAY, THEY
SEE ME COMING.
THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY CROSS THE
STREET.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
I DON'T KNOW WHY BLACK PEOPLE
COMPLAIN ABOUT THAT.
I LOVE HAVING THE WHOLE SIDE OF
THE STREET TO MYSELF.
IT'S GREAT.
I FEEL LIKE A KING.
OH, IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S THE GREATEST THING EVER.
PIT BULLS ARE THE [bleep].
IT'S LIKE A GUN YOU CAN PET.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DESCRIBE
IT.
IT'S AWESOME.
THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO P90X OR
SOMETHING.
JUST GET IN BETTER SHAPE.
SO THEN BY FRIDAY--I MEAN, BY
FRIDAY, THE DOG WAS LITERALLY
MESSING UP MY RELATIONSHIP.
MY POOR GIRL IS SITTING ON THE
COUCH BY HERSELF.
I'M SITTING THERE SPOONING WITH
THE DOG.
"OH, THIS DOG IS AWESOME.
THIS DOG IS AWESOME.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING.
WATCH ME GET HER LEG GOING."
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IN FOUR DAYS, I WENT FROM
"[bleep] THIS DOG," TO,
"OH, MY GOD.
THIS THING IS GONNA DIE SOMEDAY.
HOW AM I EMOTIONALLY GONNA BE
ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT?"
OH, I LOVE IT, ABSOLUTELY.
I CARRY IT AROUND LIKE A BABY.
OH, IT'S THE GREATEST THING
EVER.
YOU COME HOME.
IT'S SHAKING HIS TAIL.
IT'S ALL EXCITED, LIKE, "DUDE,
YOU'RE [bleep] AWESOME," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU HAVE NO
IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED THAT," YOU
KNOW?
IT'S TREMENDOUS, AND YOU CAN' APPRECIATE HOW AWESOME A DOG IS
AS A KID.
YOU CAN ONLY DO IT AS AN ADULT.
AS A KID, THERE'S, LIKE, NO
FRAME OF REFERENCE.
IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE A KID.
YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME.
IT'S AWESOME, RIGHT?
YOU EVER THINK ABOUT BEING A
KID?
YOU HAD NO MONEY.
YOU HAD NO I.D., NO CELL PHONE,
NO NOTHING, NO KEYS TO THE
HOUSE.
YOU JUST RAN OUTSIDE INTO THE
WOODS.
YOU WEREN'T SCARED OF NOTHING.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO DO THAT AS AN
ADULT,
ALL YOUR I.D., ALL YOUR CREDI CARDS, JUST RUN OUT OF THE
HOUSE, NO PHONE, TURN THE
CORNER, WHERE YOU CAN'T SEE YOUR
HOUSE AND NOT HAVE A FULL-ON
PANIC ATTACK, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME?
I'LL GET LOCKED UP.
NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM.
WHAT IF I TWIST MY ANKLE?"
YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS AWESOME AS A
KID, RIGHT?
YOU SHOW UP, NO MONEY.
YOU JUST GET STUFF, REAL CHEESE,
MOVIE TICKETS, RIGHT?
WHY WOULDN'T A DOG BE AWESOME?
EVERYTHING IS AWESOME.
IT'S NOT TILL YOU'RE AN ADUL THAT YOU APPRECIATE IT, RIGHT?
YOUR DREAMS START DYING.
SOMEBODY CHEATS ON YOU, RIGHT?
BANKERS [bleep] UP YOUR 401(k),
YOU KNOW, AND THEN YOU COME
HOME, AND THAT DOG'S LOOKING A YOU LIKE, "DUDE, YOU'RE
AWESOME," AND IT'S LIKE, "NO,
DUDE, YOU--YOU ARE [bleep].
YOU ARE THE [bleep]."
NO, IT'S THE GREATEST THING
EVER, ABSOLUTELY.
NO, IT'S UNREAL.
IT'S UNREAL.
BUT POOR GIRLFRIEND.
SHE'S SITTING THERE GOING,
"JESUS CHRIST, YOU LOVE THE DOG
MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME."
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, SWEETIE,
YOU'RE NOT AT THE BACK DOOR
SHAKING YOUR ASS EVERY TIME I
COME HOME."
[laughter]
IT'S A REALLY A TOUGH--NO MATTER
WHAT TIME, 4:00 IN THE MORNING
DRUNK.
THE DOG DOESN'T GIVE A [bleep].
"HEY, THAT'S AWESOME.
WHOO."
[laughter]
AND I'M 41 YEARS OLD, AND IF
I'M LUCKY, YOU KNOW WHAT I
REALIZED?
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY [bleep]
RIGHT NOW.
I'M HALFWAY THROUGH MY LIFE, SO,
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING NERVOUS,
YOU KNOW, ABOUT DYING, YOU
KNOW, JUST GROWING OLD, MAN.
I WAS NEVER REALLY NERVOUS ABOU TILL I GOT TO THIS AGE, AND,
YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT IT WAS?
I WENT TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S
100-YEAR BIRTHDAY PARTY,
AND I QUICKLY REALIZED THA WOMEN AGE A LOT BETTER TOWARDS
THE END, YOU KNOW?
GUYS, WE HANG WITH THEM IN THE
BEGINNING, BECAUSE WE'RE YOUNG,
AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE, THEY'RE
HAVING KIDS, SO WE KIND OF PASS
THEM, BUT THAT END, THAT LAS THIRD, WE'RE LIKE THE STOCK
MARKET.
WE JUST--WE JUST GO RIGHT DOWN
TO THE GROUND.
IT'S BRUTAL.
I WENT TO THIS PARTY.
ALL THE OLD LADIES THERE WERE
UNBELIEVABLY SHARP.
THEY WERE STILL PLAYING CARDS.
THEY WERE RIGHT THERE.
BUT SOME OF THE OLD DUDES, MAN,
THEY WERE BRUTAL, YOU KNOW?
YOU EVER SEE A GUY, LIKE, SO
OLD, HE HAS, LIKE, THA PERMANENT LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS
FACE?
[laughter]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
A COUPLE OF GUYS WALKED IN.
THEY LOOKED OKAY.
"HOW YA DOIN'?"
THEN THERE'S ALWAYS THAT ONE GUY
THAT JUST COMES WALKING IN JUS LIKE...
[laughter]
DUDE, EVEN WHEN THEY'RE SITTING
DOWN MEETING PEOPLE.
"AND THIS IS MY GRANDSON BILL."
[laughter]
IT'S LIKE, "DUDE, HOW MUCH PAIN
ARE YOU IN THAT YOU CONSTANTLY
HAVE A LOOK ON YOUR FACE LIKE
THAT [bleep] FROM THE RING
JUST CRAWLED OU OF YOUR TV SET?"
DUDE, THAT'S GOT TO BE--
YOU'RE, LIKE, SO OLD, LIKE,
EVERYTHING HURTS.
YOU'RE JUST STANDING UP.
YOU'RE LIKE, "AHH, MY FEET."
YOU GO TO LEAN ON SOMETHING.
"AHH, MY ARM."
EVEN, LIKE, BLINKING, LIKE, AIR
HURTS.
"HEE-AAAAAHH."
DUDE, [bleep] KILL ME.
KILL ME IF I EVER END UP LIKE
THAT.
DUDE, I'LL [bleep] KILL MYSELF.
I'LL ROCK MYSELF DOWN A FLIGH OF STAIRS.
I'LL LEAN BACK, HIT MY HEAD ON A
SINK, WHATEVER I'VE GOT TO DO.
I TOLD YOU, I ALREADY THINK
ABOUT KILLING MYSELF TWICE A
WEEK AT THIS AGE.
THERE IS NO [bleep] WAY I'M
GOING OUT LIKE THAT.
AT THE END OF MY LIFE, I'M
WALKING AROUND...
AND EVERYONE ELSE HAS THA PANICKED, "OH, [bleep].
IS IT GOING DOWN?" LOOK ON
THEIR FACE.
I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT.
HOW DO YOU WAKE UP EVERY
MORNING BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?
HOW DO FIGHT THE URGE TO NO JUST JAM THAT TOOTHBRUSH RIGH DOWN YOUR THROAT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT KILLS ME,
WAS, ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD THA LOOK ON THEIR FACE.
NONE OF THE OLD LADIES DID.
SOME OF THE OLD LADIES HAD A
LOOK OF, LIKE, MILD
DISAPPOINTMENT, YOU KNOW?
JUST SITTING THERE LIKE...
[laughter]
YOU KNOW, LIKE THEY ALWAYS
WANTED TO GO TO EUROPE, BUT THEY
NEVER GOT AROUND TO IT.
[laughter]
BUT ONLY THE OLD GUYS HAD, LIKE,
THAT...
[laughter]
DUDE, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE THEY
WANTED TO TELL YOU A SECRET.
LIKE, "WHERE'S THE GOLD?"
[laughter]
"CAN YOU REMEMBER THE
COMBINATION?"
[laughter]
WHAT IS THAT?
SOMEBODY SAID IT'S, LIKE, A MILD
FORM OF DEMENTIA OR IT'S, YOU
KNOW?
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK IT'S FROM?
I THINK IT'S FROM BEING MARRIED
FOR 60 YEARS, GETTING NAGGED
EVERY DAY, AND NEVER ONCE
LOOKING AT YOUR WIFE BEING LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE [bleep]
UP?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HEY, I GOT IT.
YOU'RE NOT HAPPY.
WELL, THEN [bleep] LEAVE."
[laughter and applause]
IS IT THAT, OR DO THEY, LIKE,
WEAR YOU DOWN?
I THINK THEY WEAR YOU DOWN,
BECAUSE I KNOW AS A YOUNG MAN,
I HAD A LOT MORE SPRING IN MY
STEP.
YOUNG GUYS, YOUR GIRL GIVES YOU
[bleep], YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN GO FOR A DRIVE.
"WHERE'S THIS RELATIONSHIP
GOING?
THIS FEELS WEIRD.
WE NEED TO TALK."
"HEY, [bleep] YOU, LADY."
YOU GET IN THE CAR AND GO FOR
A DRIVE, PUNCH THE CEILING A
COUPLE TIMES.
YOU SCREAM OUT THE WINDOW,
"BITCH," YOU KNOW?
YOU GET IT OUT.
YOU GET IT OUT BEFORE YOUR FACE
GETS ALL TWISTED UP.
GET IT OUT.
AH, I'M BACK TO ME.
YEAH, YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
THEN WHAT HAPPENS?
WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP.
YOU STAY IN THE RELATIONSHIP,
RIGHT?
YOU GET MARRIED.
15 YEARS LATER, YOU'VE GOT A
COUPLE OF KIDS.
YOU'VE GOT A LITTLE GUT GOING,
ALL RIGHT?
SHE STARTS IN ON YOU WITH THA WHOLE LAUNDRY LIST OF STUFF
YOU'VE GOT TO DO BECAUSE YOU'RE
MARRIED.
"SUSIE HAS BALLET PRACTICE.
IT GETS OVER AT 2:00.
MAKE SURE YOU'RE THERE AT 2:00.
YOU WERE THERE AT 2:02 THE
OTHER DAY, AND SHE WAS VERY
UPSET.
NO, YOU WERE.
YOU WERE.
I ACTUALLY DOCUMENTED THE RECORD
ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE AND..."
AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN
UPPERCUT.
YOU WANT TO GIVE HER AN
UPPERCUT.
NO, IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.
IT'S A NATURAL THOUGHT.
BUT YOU DON'T.
YOU NEVER LEAD WITH AN UPPERCUT.
YOU SET IT UP WITH THE JAB.
YOU GET INSIDE.
YOU COME RIGHT UP THROUGH THE
CLEAVAGE.
YOU ROCK THAT HEAD BACK.
YOU SEND HER RIGHT ACROSS THE
LINOLEUM, TAKE THAT DIRTY PISTOL
OUT.
YOU LAY IT NEXT TO HER, WIPE
OFF THE DOOR HANDLE.
NO, [bleep].
NO, YOU DON'T DO THAT.
[laughter]
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU NEVER HIT A WOMAN.
YOU SHOULD NEVER HIT A WOMAN.
YOU'RE GONNA GET CAUGHT.
YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL.
YOU'RE GONNA GET RAPED.
IT'S AWFUL, YOU KNOW.
YOU DON'T DO THAT, RIGHT?
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW,
RIGHT?
YOU'RE MARRIED, RIGHT?
YOU CAN'T YELL, 'CAUSE YOUR KIDS
ARE THERE.
YOU CAN'T GO FOR A DRIVE.
YOU DON'T HAVE A COOL CAR
ANYMORE.
YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, SOME CARAVAN
WITH THOSE STICKY
CHILDREN OF THE CORN
HANDPRINTS ALL OVER THE
WINDSHIELD.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT,
AND YOU JUST DO THAT, LIKE,
WHISPER YELLING.
[bleep].
[bleep].
AND THEN I THINK JUST ONE DAY,
YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.
YOU'RE JUST TOO OLD.
YOU'RE TIRED.
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE,
60 YEARS.
YOUR BODY'S BREAKING DOWN.
YOU BLEW YOUR KNEE OUT AT THE
"Y" PLAYING PICKUP BALL, LIKE,
30 YEARS EARLIER IN THE
50-AND-OLDER LEAGUE,
YOU KNOW, AND YOU JUST WAN TO WATCH THE GAME,
AND SHE COMES IN THAT ONE LAS TIME, RIGHT, JUST TO ANNOY YOU.
JUST PICKING ON YOU.
"AND YOU WERE ALWAYS MEAN TO MY
MOTHER, AND I ALWAYS RESENTED
YOU FOR IT.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE BEEN MORE
LIKE YOUR BROTHER," RIGHT?
AND YOU START TO--"YOU KNOW
WHAT?
[bleep] THIS.
I'M NOT LISTENING TO THIS,"
RIGHT?
AND YOU GO TO GET UP,
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HITS YOU
THAT THEY DAY BEFORE WAS THE
LAST DAY YOU HAD THE QUAD
STRENGTH TO GET UP AND OUT OF
YOUR FAVORITE CHAIR, AND THAT'S
WHEN THE PANIC SETS IN.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, [bleep].
DUDE, I CAN'T GET UP.
OH, MY GOD.
I'VE GOT TO LISTEN TO THIS FOR
THE REST OF MY LIFE."
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
NO, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
NO, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON' REALIZE THOSE OLD GUYS ARE
ACTUALLY TRYING TO ESCAPE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
LIKE, "IS SHE LOOKING?
AM I GONNA MAKE IT?
AVENGE ME."
LISTEN, I'M OUT OF TIME.
YOU GUYS WERE AWESOME.
THANK YOU SO, SO MUCH FOR
COMING OUT.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU.