Bill Burr: Paper Tiger (2019) Movie Script
[cheering and applause]
[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bill Burr!
All right, thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?
Excellent. Thank you for coming out.
Very prestigious...
arena to listen
to my dick and shit jokes over the next...
[chuckles] ...90 minutes.
No, I'm excited to be here. I am.
It's very, uh...
[audience whooping]
...exciting to be doing stand-up
outside of my own country.
Yeah. No, not 'cause of you!
[laughter]
It's how it's become.
Fucking US, everything's so goddamn...
Every fucking joke you tell,
"Well, what did you mean about that?
I didn't go to the gym today.
Are you calling me fat?
I feel fucking triggered."
[laughter]
Gotta fucking apologize to everybody.
This is how screwed up
my country is right now.
-You... You know Bryan Cranston, right?
-[audience cheers]
That dude did a movie.
He played a quadriplegic...
and people gave him shit...
[laughter]
...being like, "Why is there
an able-bodied person
playing a quadriplegic?"
It's like, "It's because it's called
acting, you dumb fuck."
See, if he was a quadriplegic
playing a quadriplegic,
that's not acting.
That's just fucking laying there,
saying shit that someone else wrote.
[laughter]
"So tell us, what did you do
to prepare for the role?"
"Well, I dove head-first
into the shallow end of a pool
when I was 23.
I feel like I've been preparing
for this role for my whole life."
[laughter]
"Right, what is up next for you?"
"Oh, well,
they're gonna do a reboot of Top Gun.
Uh, I'm gonna fly... [mumbling]
And, uh,
the copilot's gonna be transgender.
So everybody will be happy.
She won't die. Her discarded dick
will block her head from the canopy.
There'll be a gender-neutral bathroom
on the plane."
[laughter]
How fucking dumb is that?
That's literally like watching a movie,
"Why didn't you have a murderer
play a murderer?
And how come the guy he shot,
I saw him in another movie?"
I mean, what the fuck is going on?
[laughter]
No, I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what the fuck is going on...
but I think white women started it.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Oh! It's the worst.
The fucking worst. That's all they do,
is bitch, moan, and complain.
I had no idea how difficult it was
to be a white woman
in the United States of America.
Evidently, it's really difficult.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Yeah, they're always bitching.
"Do you have any idea
what it's like to be me?"
"Well, I imagine it would be
slightly less awesome than my life."
[laughter]
[laughs]
"What happened to you today,
sweetheart, huh?
Did they not chill your ros?"
You know? "Was the trolley
not running down at the mall?
What happened?"
No, it's unreal.
I'm really fucking annoyed
how white women have the fucking balls
to throw my white privilege in my face.
You know?
Start to separate themselves
from these "white males,
with their white male privilege."
It's like, "Bitch, you're sitting
in the Jacuzzi with me!
The fuck are you talking about?
Yeah! Quit your fucking whining."
Look... here's a little caveat here,
so you don't think I'm a complete asshole
right out of the gate, all right?
If you fucking... If you're living
some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle
on the Appalachian Trail, you know,
and your uncle
just banged you in the dirt,
all right, I can listen to you.
No, one of my fantasies
is I wanna drive by, like,
a woman's rally and just say
the most sexist shit I can think of...
just to watch them lose their minds.
You know,
just drive by real slow and be like,
"Yeah, why don't you get back
in the kitchen where you belong?"
[chuckles]
Just to look in the rearview mirror,
watching them, "ah,"
flipping out in the road.
Spinning around like Leatherface
at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre,
like...
"Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Yeah. No, it's a very, uh...
I don't know, times are changing, I guess.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Michelle Obama's doing an arena tour.
That's another thing going on.
I'm gonna say that again.
Michelle Obama...
[laughter]
...is doing an arena tour.
She's not playing comedy clubs.
She's doing arenas.
When did First Ladies
start acting like they got elected?
You know?
Dude, being a First Lady,
that's not a fucking job.
Just standing there, smiling and waving.
Hey?
Look how quiet it is in here.
Why is it so fucking quiet?
You think that's a job?
It's not a fucking job!
Dude, if you really think it's a job,
just look at him.
Right? Look at Obama.
When that guy got elected,
he looked like he was about 41 years old.
When he left office,
that guy looked like he was about 73.
Right?
Look at Michelle.
She looks younger now than she did
when that dude got elected.
What has she done
for the last eight years...
[cheering and applause]
...yeah, other than lay in a giant vat
of Illuminati-level lotion?
Just sitting there, floating.
A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in
and dumps another bucket on her.
"Here's some more... more of this."
She pops her head up: "Hey, Bam-Bam,
tell Stevie Wonder to come down
and play some songs tonight."
[gurgles]
[laughter]
Yeah. I found out she's doing a tour,
'cause she's doing a book tour.
Yeah, she wrote a book.
She wrote a book about not having a job.
[laughs]
I gotta read that fucking book!
"Chapter One,
how to know if a dick tastes presidential.
[laughter]
How to weed your way...
[whistles and applause]
How to weed your way through
all that local representative cock
and get to the big swinging dick
in the room."
[chuckles]
I'll tell you right now,
say what you want
about Republican Presidents,
but they got their First Ladies in line.
[laughter]
They do!
Dude, George W. was President
for eight years. Eight years!
I don't even know his wife's name!
[laughter]
What was it, Abigail or some shit?
Maggie? No clue!
Donald Trump's wife stands behind him
like a giant meerkat, like...
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Bill Clinton was President,
his wife never shut up.
"Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!"
He fucked around on her so much.
He was like,
"All right, whatever, just do it."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
But I'm telling you right now,
I'm gonna check out that fucking tour.
I gotta see what that's all about.
You know?
Who opens? Who opens on that fucking tour?
Was it Oprah Winfrey's husband? You know?
[laughter]
Does he fucking come out and talk about
what it's like to walk her dogs?
"I do it for 20 minutes a day.
The cocker spaniel's
probably the most fussiest,
and I gotta bring him around."
Look, I'm sure that there's some, uh,
feminists in the crowd right now
not appreciating this joke,
feeling triggered,
feeling like they need to fucking put out
a hashtag or some shit.
And be brave and speak out.
You know what? You're full of shit.
[laughter]
You are.
[cheering and applause]
All...
All those feminists are full of shit.
'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now,
someday... someday, there's gonna be,
there's gonna be
the first woman President. All right?
-Which means...
-[cheering]
You don't even know
what her fucking platform is,
and you automatically cheer.
[laughter]
"Ooh, ooh, it's got the same genitalia!
Ooh!"
Fucking... I'm telling you.
They're not smart people.
Feminists, they're not as smart
as they're coming off, I'm telling you.
Someday...
there's gonna be...
This is going to be my last show ever
by the time this fucking thing comes out.
Someday, there's gonna be
the first female President,
which means there's gonna be
the first male First Lady. Right?
And you wait. You fucking wait!
The first time that dude opens his mouth
about some political shit,
you watch all these feminists.
They're all gonna be, "You shut
the fuck up! You shut the fuck up!
It is her time now. It is her time.
She was elected, not you!
Go pick out some plates, bitch!
You are the First Lady."
[chuckles]
He's gonna get treated like Tom Arnold
when he was with Roseanne.
[laughter]
Secret Service name will be,
like, "Appendix" or "Doesn't Matter."
"'Not Worthy of Protecting'
just entered the Oval Office.
'Not Worthy of Protecting'."
So, anyways...
There's been, uh...
The Me Too movement has happened
since the last time I was here.
Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ,
but, you know, I think it's dying down.
You know?
I don't know, I think they got everybody.
[laughter]
Right?
[chuckles]
Just judging by the stories,
I feel like they kind of got everybody.
'Cause the first stories that came out,
they were fucking unbelievable.
It was just guys taking their dicks out
at work, like, "Look at it! Look at it!
Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Fucking blocking doors
and jizzing on plants.
You're fucking at home watching,
"Jesus Christ, people did this shit?"
I remember this one poor woman
said she was a PA,
went into some director's trailer,
and he came...
allegedly, came running out,
masturbating vigorously
while holding a shrimp cocktail.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I swear to God!
I know that's fucked up,
but I gotta tell you something.
It's a little bit funny
that she felt the need
to use the adjective "vigorously"
after she said he was masturbating.
"He was masturbating vigorously."
I'm thinking in my head,
"Like, as opposed to what?"
[laughter]
As far as I know,
there is only one successful way
to perform that act,
and that would be vigorously.
Is there another way to do it?
Can you do it passively? You know?
Is that how Sting does it?
Is that how he's able to fuck
for hours and hours?
Fans a little air on it.
He puts on "Fields Of Gold."
Just lets that thing rise up.
Just...
Just letting it marinate, right?
[chuckles]
Yeah, so the stories were big
in the beginning.
Like, "Oh, my God,
what a bunch of fucking animals."
And then they just started tapering...
tapering off.
And about, I don't know, six months in,
they just sounded like bad dates.
It was like, "He was... He was
ten minutes late. The chicken was cold.
I think I was raped. Career over!"
[laughter]
"What about my side of the story?"
"Fuck your side of the story!
You have a dick and balls.
We don't wanna hear it!"
Yeah.
It's really weird how the whole thing...
It went from, like, nobody listening...
men not listening to women at all,
to just this total over-correction
that anything they fucking said
means it happens, you know?
They got these hashtags like,
you know, "Believe women."
"Believe women," right?
That's a little open-ended, huh?
Just straight across the fucking board,
all of them?
Every last fucking one of them?
What about the psychos?
What about the ones that key your car
and light your shit on fire
'cause you didn't fucking answer a text?
What about them? Huh?
How about you believe, like, 88%,
and that last 12%
that's out of their fucking minds...
You know, I think that's
a fair percentage, wouldn't you?
No? Are you too afraid?
To not believe?
I know, that's the world
we're fucking living in right now.
No, everything has just become
fucking absolutes.
In... In... In the States,
it's fucking nuts.
Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right?
You knew when he was, like,
protesting during the national anthem,
no one was gonna listen
to what the fuck he had to say.
No matter how much he explained it.
He goes, "I'm taking a knee
during the national anthem.
This is a protest about police brutality,
the way people of color are treated.
We'd like to open a dialogue."
He got halfway through,
then people were like,
"My brother's fighting in Iraq,
you fucking piece of shit!"
It's just like, "Buddy, buddy...
nobody is saying your brother
isn't in Iraq fighting.
You're not listening.
This is about police brutality--"
"My brother's a firefighter.
He watched 9/11 on television!"
"No, no, no, buddy, nobody's saying
that your brother's not a firefighter."
"I have a bone spur in my heel!
I can still stand up
during the fucking song!"
"Buddy, nobody is saying
you can't see a fucking podiatrist.
All right?
You're not listening."
That's what it became.
It went from not listening to women
to just "believe women", right?
And then people were just like,
"Did you see that story?
Did you read the story?
You can't make something like that up."
I literally wanna be like,
"Well, did you see Star Wars?"
[laughter]
I mean, somebody made that up.
They made, like,
fucking 15 of them, you know?
People can make shit up, right?
"You're part of the fucking problem!
Get the fuck out..." You know?
[chuckles]
"No means no," that's another one.
"No means no."
It's like, no, it doesn't.
All right?
[laughter]
Look, "No!" means no.
"No!" That means no, all right?
[in flirty voice]
But, "No, stop it, what are you doing?
Oh, my God, you're being so bad.
Stop it! No!"
Yeah, that's not a fucking no!
That means, "I wanna do it,
but I'm afraid you're gonna judge me,
so I'm just gonna make it look like
it was your idea so you don't figure out
that I've already performed this act
with 40 other fucking people." Right?
[laughter]
But then... then you go to court
and you get a bad reading.
Some guy's reading it.
[in serious voice]
"Ah, Your Honor, she said, 'No, stop it.
What are you doing? You're being so bad.'"
[laughter]
Yeah! And you're just sitting there like,
"She didn't fucking say it like that!
She didn't say it like that!"
Yeah.
So now everybody's just,
like, scared shitless.
You know? 'Cause I guess if women
ran the world, there'd be no war.
Evidently,
there would be no due process either.
So you've just gotta sit there,
going, "Ah? Ah? Huh?"
[laughs]
No, it's fucking nuts.
People are so scared now.
You now have the male feminist.
Like, where the fuck did that come from?
Just out of nowhere, last couple years.
"I'm a male feminist.
I've always championed women--"
No, you haven't. You haven't!
This shit came out
and you're fucking scared.
You did something.
You grabbed some fucking titties.
What the fuck did you do that you have
to over-correct that fucking hard?
What kind of a man who still has his balls
is walking around saying
that he's a male feminist?
"Oh, I'm a male feminist.
I totally see the way
you see the fucking world."
It's... It's impossible...
as a man who was raised right...
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
...to be a feminist.
You can't do it. You're a man.
Look, you can agree with it,
you can empathize,
sympathy, you can do all of that shit,
but you can't be it any more than
I can stand there and just be like,
"I'm a Black Panther. Fight the power!"
And then I walk out the door,
a blue-eyed white dude,
and I get to live that fucking life,
right?
I don't know. I don't know, ladies.
I don't buy it. Maybe you do, I don't.
Anytime I hear a guy say,
"I'm a male feminist,"
I always just think, "That is
the most pathetic, limp-dick way ever
to try and get some pussy." Right?
Like, that's literally...
that is literally the fucking game
you had when you were on a first date
when you were 16,
you were all nervous
and your whole game plan was,
"Just agree with her.
Maybe she'll touch it."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
"So, what are your favorite bands?"
"I like whatever you like!
Will you touch it now?
Did I do it right? Uh..."
Yeah, it's a weird time right now.
I'm glad that I'm fucking married now.
I don't gotta fucking deal
with any of that shit. You know?
For younger guys,
how do you deal with it?
You know what was really fucked up
in all of this, though?
What about women who like it rough?
Right?
That doesn't happen here
in the jolly old England? Huh?
[laughter]
Not at all!
Everybody gets all dead silent.
Big fucking elephant in the fucking room.
-Right? Yeah.
-[man] Ask for consent!
How the fuck do you... What's that?
-[man] Ask for consent!
-"Ask for consent"?
Doesn't that take the mood... Well, Jesus,
that kind of took it in a weird way.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Dude, whatever the fuck I was saying,
however you heard it,
that's not what the fuck I'm saying.
All right?
[laughter]
"You know, I've really listened
to this Me Too movement.
I think for the first time in my life,
I'm gonna ask for consent!
I'm really gonna do it this time.
I've been feeling..."
This is why you can't judge comedians.
Do you understand?
Do you understand
what the fuck I was saying
and how this fucking jackass
just heard it?
You know? The second...
[cheering]
Yeah!
The second it comes out of my mouth,
it's not what I said anymore.
Goes into your fucking ear hole
and gets cut
with your whole fucking childhood.
"Oh, this is what he means!
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da..."
[laughter]
Sir, if I could get along with my point,
if you wouldn't mind that.
[laughter]
No, like, fucking women who like it rough,
like, that's gotta be so fucking weird.
[chuckles] I remember when I was
a single man a long time ago.
A lot of hair ago, right?
Still wasn't a good look,
but I was single.
I was out there, taking some at bats.
I remember that shit. You'd meet a woman,
and when it started going down that road,
like you knew you were gonna hook up,
you'd try to get a jump on it, right?
You'd try to figure out
what they liked in the bedroom
because you wanted to satisfy them.
There's nothing worse
than if you don't satisfy them,
and you know they're gonna
tell all their friends,
and then you gotta fucking move,
and now there's social media
and you got a fucking nickname...
It's a nightmare.
So, you just try to, you know... You try
to do a little fucking intelligence.
You'll be there, hanging out, just being
like, "Yeah, so, uh, what are you into?
What do you, uh...
What do you like to do?" Right?
One night, I asked a woman that,
she set her drink down,
she looked me right in the eye,
she's like, "I like to get fucked."
[chuckles]
And I knew what she meant!
"All right, this is gonna be one of these.
Okay, here we go. Just trying to...
[laughter]
We're gonna have to go hard on this one."
Right? We had a great fucking time.
I don't know how I would...
Today, I would just be like,
"All right, I know what you wanna do,
but, like, you're gonna have to do it.
You understand?
Like, I'm just gonna stand here,
and then you just back into me
however hard you want.
You control how hard
you're backing into me.
Then I'm gonna lay my hand
on your shoulder.
You can put your ponytail in it.
I will slowly close my hand around it.
And if at any point you want to
yank your head like that, that's on you.
My other hand will be just to the right
of your right ass cheek,
and if you wanna do one of those,
that's fine.
But I am not doing anything.
I'm just gonna stand here
like a giant fuck stick,
and you just have at it,
you just have at it."
Yeah.
You know what's hilarious
about sexual assault?
[laughter]
[chuckles]
You know what's hilarious about it?
Is how women are acting like
that is a uniquely female experience.
You know what's funny? I actually,
to the letter of the fucking law,
within the last two and a half years,
got sexually assaulted in this business
by a woman. Yeah!
And this is my story!
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I feel like I can live my truth
and be brave tonight
and share this with you.
It's a 100% true fucking story.
I was doing stand-up,
I was doing a private gig.
All right?
Private gigs are the fucking worst.
You do a public gig,
anybody can show up.
It broadens what you can talk about,
right?
You do a private gig,
it's like everybody grew up
on the same fucking street,
so all your jokes gotta go
right down fucking mainstream
or you're bombing.
So all you do is listen to the first comic
to hear what's working and what isn't.
You're just listening
as he's up there struggling,
going, "Okay, they like bread.
Talk about bread.
Get all the bread you can.
Don't make fun of the troops.
Stay away from the troops!" Right?
So that's what we're doing, right?
And the host gets them going,
then he brings up the first act.
Okay, she goes on stage.
She's not really a comedian,
more of a personality.
She does her bullshit or whatever,
and I'm standing there,
looking at my jokes,
figuring out what I'm doing.
She wraps it up. He goes on stage.
She goes to get off.
I'm thinking, "Okay, I'm next."
I'm looking at my stuff,
and she just walks right by me
and just fucking... poof!
Just flicked me right on the head
of my dick and kept walking!
[laughter]
Like it was nothing.
Just fucking... pow! And just kept...
I couldn't fucking believe it.
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, was this a friend of yours?
Was she flirting with you?
Was this a joke?"
None of the above.
You know what it was?
I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe.
Like she was trying to get in my head.
"There you go, you little red dick.
Poof! Follow that!"
And she just kept walking.
Dude, my first thought
as I saw her walking away,
I just wanted to punch her in the back
of the head as hard as humanly possible.
Like, literally make her leave her shoes.
You know?
[laughter]
But the other side of my brain's like,
"No, dude, you can't do that.
You can't do that. It's a woman.
And it's just spitball.
Well, fucking boot her in the ass!
Boot her in the ass! Can't hit her, dude.
Can't hit her. It's a woman.
Well, fucking tell somebody!
Tell somebody!"
And all I'm thinking is,
like, "Dude, I'm a guy."
Can't fucking tell anybody.
Nobody gives a shit what happens to a guy.
I'm gonna walk up to another man
and be like, "Excuse me, sir,
but she just flicked me in my pee-pee,
and I didn't like that one bit.
No, sir! I didn't like that at all.
No, I didn't!"
All the guys are gonna be like,
"Dude, if she did that to me,
I would've taken my balls out, too.
Fucking flick both of these.
Fucking sports bar,
up top, Super Bowl, hey!"
Right?
That's all I would've got, right?
So now I'm standing there,
I'm waiting to go on stage,
the dude's doing my intro,
I'm trying to think
about jokes about bread,
and the tip of my dick is still stinging.
This is the world I'm in.
And right as he's gonna bring me on,
all of a sudden, she came out,
'cause she was going back out
to her fucking car,
and that's when my brain started
firing up again with some ideas.
Started thinking shit that I had
never thought before in my life.
Going like, "Dude, there she is.
There she is. Flick her in the box.
[laughter]
Do it, man. Equal rights.
She did it to you, you do it back to her!"
It started making sense.
"Yeah, fuck that!
Flick my dick, I'm gonna flick your clit!
That's right!
I'll fucking hit the man in the boat.
Drop down, uppercut to the bush.
Fuck this shit!
Think I'm the kind of person
you just can flick my dick
and walk away like it ain't shit?"
Right?
And it was making sense
till right when she got there,
finally, I just started thinking
of all the sporting events I had watched,
and I realized that the referee
only sees the retaliation.
He never sees the first aggression,
and then you have
to go to the... yellow card,
whatever the fuck you people
do over here, right?
You go to the penalty box!
So I let her go,
and I went out on stage. I did my shit.
But here was the thing. For the next
three fucking days, I'm driving round LA,
and I'm just losing my fucking mind.
You know?
I'm fucking screaming at the windshield,
saying all this shit that I wanted to say
but didn't say it in the moment. You know?
It wasn't because... This is the thing.
It wasn't because she touched me.
You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck about that, all right?
You know, when I was a kid,
I had a paper route
and I was an altar boy. You know?
[laughter]
Yeah. You're gonna have
to do a little bit better...
than flick my dick over my jeans
and my underwear.
It's like, "Are we gonna do this or what?
Like, what is happening here?"
It's the fact that she thought
she could bully me.
So after fucking three days of this shit,
I had a splitting headache,
and I started realizing,
"Wait a minute. She's winning this thing."
You know? "Here I am,
still thinking about this shit.
She's probably gone on to flick
30 to 40 dicks since she's been with me.
All right,
she doesn't give a fuck about me."
So, you know what I did?
I drove to my house,
there was nobody home,
I went upstairs,
I closed the door, and I just sat down
and I meditated on it,
and I just forgave her.
-I did.
-[applause]
I just pictured her
as a little five-year-old girl
crying because her alcoholic dad,
you know, wouldn't hug her or something.
And she's just standing there crying,
like, "But, Daddy, I love you!"
He's like, "Get away from me!
I never wanted children!"
And then he walked through a screen door
and he, like, face-planted
into this above-ground pool.
And he had a tool belt on,
and it just sort of pulled him under.
And she ran out, she grabbed his foot,
and she was pulling and pulling,
and his boot came off, and she sat down,
and she just watched him slowly drown.
[laughter]
I don't know what happened after that.
I just felt, like,
this weight lift off of my chest.
[chuckles]
So, there you go.
All you tough guys over here in England,
don't be afraid to meditate, man.
I'm telling you.
You can let a lot of stuff go.
I don't know.
-[man] Whoo! [whistles]
-Do you know...
I'm all right with silence.
You don't have to feel like you have to
do anything fucking extra. Just relax.
If it's funny, fucking laugh.
If it isn't, just fucking sit there,
and I'll know it's time to move on.
[laughter]
Uh...
So, anyways,
I'm a married man with a kid.
Happily married man. Yes, I am.
[cheering]
I... Yeah, I love my wife to death.
I love everything about
being fucking married,
but I'll tell you this right now,
we do fight a lot.
We do argue all the time.
If I've learned anything
in five years of being married,
it is we're always working on me.
You know?
[chuckles]
Evidently, my wife is this completed work
under museum glass
that is to be admired and studied,
like, "Hmm, how did she do that?"
And I'm like one of these...
You know those buildings that
just has scaffolding around it for, like,
six straight years, and you're like,
"Are they ever gonna finish that thing?
Is that some sort of insurance job?
Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit!
They should just tear it down
and start over again."
Yeah.
I have a temper, so that's the thing.
That's what kind of ruins things.
Everything else I do is fine,
but I have a fucking temper
and it just ruins shit,
and then my wife
always says the same thing.
She's always just like,
"I just don't understand.
Where did that come from?
Where is that coming from?
You just go from zero to 100
in two seconds."
It's like, first of all,
I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right?
So don't give me this zero to 100.
I walked into this restaurant 75.
I could hear that guy
talking too loud on his cell phone
from the fucking parking lot!
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Yeah. I fucking tried all of this shit...
Whenever she says that to me,
though, I swear to God.
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?"
It actually hurts my feelings
when she says that. You know?
'Cause it makes me feel like
she's not listening to me.
It's like, "Honey, how many
childhood stories do I have to tell you
before you follow the breadcrumbs
to the absolute lunatic that you married?"
[laughter]
Didn't she ever take a psychology class?
I'm not that complex!
Like, I'll tell you guys a quick...
I'll tell you a quick childhood story.
I'll tell you one of the funnier ones.
One time, when I was, like, six,
my older brother was eight,
we were in the back seat of my dad's car,
and we were, like, laughing and excited
'cause it was around Christmas. Right?
And my dad just had this thing.
He just didn't like joy, you know?
[laughter]
So he's sitting there driving, going like,
"Jesus Christ, knock it off back there!
Christ, you're giggling
like a couple of little schoolgirls!
Christ, you don't straighten up,
I'm gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!"
And then he did.
[chuckles]
I swear to God.
He made us hold them up.
My mother's taking pictures
in front of the Christmas tree.
I'm just standing there, like, "Wah! Wah!"
Afterwards,
I ran upstairs to my top bunk.
My dad knew he'd fucked up.
To his credit, he came up,
he tried to smooth it over.
He's like,
"All right, come on back down.
It's over.
Come on down and enjoy the holiday."
And I'm like,
"No, I don't want any gifts,
I fucking hate you! Ah!" Right?
He eventually coaxed me down, you know?
He just... He softened up a little bit.
"Look, you don't get your fucking ass
back downstairs,
no one else can open their gifts.
Now move it out!
I said move it out!"
I go back downstairs all shell-shocked.
"Here's another gift for you, Billy."
I'm like, "Is this a fucking dollhouse?
When does it end?"
Yeah. That was Christmas,
and those were people that loved me.
[laughter]
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?
I just don't understand."
So, I gotta do it, though.
I gotta work on the temper.
I'm gonna do it.
You know, I got the kid now,
and I just don't want...
I don't wanna pass it on to her, you know?
I have, like, a demon in my family tree.
Like, this fucking rage, it's just...
You know?
Just keeps following us, and now I got it.
I have it so bad,
like, literally, my daughter,
she's a little over two years old,
she's yet to meet me yet. You know?
Like, the real me.
She's seen glimpses of me.
Like, "Hey, how are you?" [chuckles]
She's seen glimpses of the anger,
but I'm able to smooth it over quickly.
Like, "Whoa,
Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!"
[laughter]
But I see it in her face.
I can see the way she looks at me.
She's starting to put it together, like,
"This dude's a little fucked up, man.
He's a little fucked up."
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking
that is to see from a toddler...
much less your own daughter.
I'm like, "I gotta end this thing, man."
This rage, it has to end with me.
I can't have an angry kid
just walking around,
fucking kicking toys, "Fucking bullshit!"
and just being, like, a lunatic.
I want to be like that priest
in The Exorcist when the devil got in him,
and he just fucking leaps
out the window and dies. You know?
So I have been fucking trying everything.
You know?
I tried, you know...
I don't know, I tried...
meditating, wearing sweaters.
I did that for a while.
Like, if I dressed like a regular guy,
I'd be one.
I drew a smiley face on a Post-it
and stuck it on my dashboard,
like that was gonna help
with my road rage.
You know, driving down the street like,
"You mother...
Oh, yeah, I guess I've done that too!
Thank you, smiley face."
[laughter]
I remember one night
I actually considered taking a bath.
'Cause I was gonna call my wife,
I was on the road, and I was like,
"I don't want to have a fight with her.
I need to relax. What the fuck can I do?"
And I thought about it.
Women take baths, right?
They do. It's a very feminine thing.
They have a bad week.
"I just wanna decompress,"
and they just have a soak,
and then they're just fine.
Next thing you know,
they're drinking wine, calling friends.
"I'm so glad you're in my life...
and I feel I can get back
out there again." Right?
So I'm literally alone,
I start drawing a bath,
and the water came all the way up.
And at the end of the day,
I couldn't fucking do it!
[chuckles]
There's just no way as a man
to take a bath
and not think about killing yourself.
You know?
There's just something about
slipping into that coffin-shaped thing.
It's like, "Am I gonna slit my wrists?
Am I testifying against the Mob?
What the fuck am I doing here?"
I'm a man!
I don't take a bath, you take a shower.
Hose it off, block out your feelings,
keep walking till you drop
of a heart attack.
Literally, as you're going down,
"Are you okay?" "I'm fine! I'm fine!"
[laughter]
Can't take a bath.
Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky,
sticking my toe in the faucet. Right?
Not allowed.
Not allowed to be that happy, so...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I think I'm gonna go back to therapy.
Do that fucking bullshit again.
Fast-forward through all these stories
I've told a million times.
I gotta do it, though. And I'm gonna do it
for my kid and do it for my wife,
and, selfishly, do it for me...
because...
-[woman] Whoo!
-I'm gonna tell you why.
You're not gonna like the results, miss.
[laughter]
This is why I'm gonna do it.
If I actually don't have a temper,
like, I just think to myself,
"What could my wife complain..."
Like, "What could my wife
bitch at me about?" Right?
I fucking crush everything.
I do. I take out the trash, okay?
The gate was squeaky the other day.
I fucking made sure that was done,
you know?
I pick up after myself.
I like to think I'm a good dad.
I work my ass off.
I make a great fucking living.
Crush all of that.
All she has on me is who I am as a person.
[laughter]
That's it!
[cheering and applause]
Yeah, if I could just not be
who I was when she met me...
I think I'd have a shot, you know?
So, we figured out the number one thing
we fight about is television, you know?
I watch sports.
She watches those Real Housewives.
You know, it just doesn't work out.
You know, I...
You guys have
The Real Housewives out here?
You do? Yeah. Yeah. It's just...
I imagine it's just the most depressing
fucking thing ever, isn't it?
Those women,
they just look so fucking exhausted,
you know what I mean?
Just with the war paint
and the circle tits,
just trying to fucking tuck it in
and fucking...
Like an athlete
at the end of their career,
just trying to limp on to the field
one more time.
They're not as fast as they used to be.
It reminds you of your own mortality.
It's just like,
"Ladies, just fucking sit down.
Put on something flowing.
I'll put on a sport coat.
We'll be in bed by 8:30," right?
"We're fucking old," you know?
So, we realized that, uh, I don't know,
we always fight about the television,
so I'm like, "What about documentaries?
Why don't we just tape something
we both like?"
We both love documentaries.
They're fun, right?
You watch them. You learn something.
You repeat it at a party.
People think you read!
[laughter]
So I tape... You know, first one I tape
is on Elvis Presley. Right?
Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me.
He's, like, the first rock star
with the power of television.
They just intersected,
and he ascended to this level of fame
that no one had ever been to before.
Hence, he made all the mistakes 'cause
there was no one there to help him out.
Right? He got a piece-of-shit manager
that stole from him. Bam!
He stopped making music,
started making shitty movies.
He's not a good actor, right? Does that.
Married a minor, started doing drugs,
got fat, got an entourage,
got even fatter,
started wearing onesies,
doing karate kicks,
splitting his fucking pants.
Nobody's saying shit.
"You look good, King!"
"You like that?
You like when my royal balls hang out?"
"We love it, King. Keep fucking going!"
Starts doing pills, gets addicted,
he fucking dies alone on a toilet.
All right? This man kicked open
all of those fucking doors
for the rest of us. All right?
So I sit down,
and I'm watching this documentary
as a white dude.
Which is what I am.
I'm looking out my white head,
watching this white shit,
it's coming back into my white eyes,
getting whiter by the fucking second.
All right?
Now, my wife, on the other hand,
she's black, right?
Now, I hate saying that,
'cause it makes it seem like
I'm gonna start doing
some stupid comparison jokes.
You know, those dumb
white guy, black guy jokes.
It's always like the white guy is like,
"Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes.
Can this chair hold me?"
The black guy is always like, "You need
to loosen up, you gotta relax, man.
You just gotta let it happen." Right?
[chuckles]
It's always the same stupid fucking joke.
I hate those jokes, you know,
'cause they're easy,
and it's been my experience
that it's just not true, you know?
Fifteen years of being with her,
there's really no difference, you know?
Because at the end of the day,
it's a woman.
[laughter]
All right? It's gonna be the same fights.
I don't give a fuck who you're with.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
there might be more head movement
and hand gestures
with different races of women...
possibly an index finger
jabbing at your forehead,
whatever the fuck that is.
But at the end of the day,
it's the same fights.
"What's going on with us?
Do you need to work on this?
Why don't we communicate better?"
Right?
So she starts watching this shit
as a black person, right?
And she's seeing all the racism,
obviously, that I'm seeing,
but she was catching all this subtle shit
that I was too white to see
but I knew I was missing it 'cause I just
kept hearing her huffing and puffing.
Just sitting next to me, being like...
[huffing]
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Okay, somebody did something!
[laughter]
I don't know what just happened,
but I don't think that was good!"
So right when I didn't think
it could get any worse,
it couldn't get any more uncomfortable
between the two of us,
this fucking white dude comes on who,
evidently, discovered Elvis.
And he's, like,
a hundred and fucking 90 years old.
And he comes out, starts talking.
He's just like,
"Well, basically,
I was looking for a white boy
that could take the down-and-dirty,
nasty blues and combine it
with the pristine,
angelic sounds of bluegrass."
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting black shit down here
while he was propping up the white shit.
You know?
"The down-and-dirty,
daddy-not-sticking-around,
drug-infested neighborhood blues,
with the Jesus-as-white-as-me,
hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic,
bluegrass-playing music," right?
So, at this point, my wife has, like,
fucking steam coming out of her ears,
so I make a judgment call.
I just fucking shut it off. Right?
And she looks at me. She's like,
"Why did you shut that off?
Why did you shut it off?"
I was like, "Because you're about
three minutes away from yelling at me
like I produced this music.
[laughter]
All right? Let's just forget it.
We'll watch something else."
She's like, "No, why can't we
just watch the rest of this
and then discuss it afterwards?"
It's like,
"I don't want to fucking do that.
I just wanna watch a documentary!
I don't want to have a fucking lecture...
because of these fucking assholes.
I didn't do anything!
I'm just sitting here watching TV!
Not to mention,
we're just gonna get into an argument."
She's like,
"Why would we get into an argument?"
I'm like, "Ugh. All right, you know what?
Because not for nothing,
there was some black people in there
saying some shit that I didn't agree with.
I'm not huffing and puffing."
Yeah... I said that.
[laughter]
Like a fucking idiot!
And she just looks at me. She's like,
"Like what black people?
Like what black people that said what?"
And at that point,
it's like you started the luge, right?
You can't get off the fucking sled.
Now you gotta have the argument.
Like, "Oh, fuck, here we go,
guess we're having this."
And I'm like, "All right.
All right,
the black guy brought up leg shaking,
saying, 'Elvis took leg shaking from us.'
It's like, really? Leg shaking?
Nobody thought to fucking do this?
Black people came up with that?
You're telling me that?
I'll even give you that!
Let's say you came up with that,
but where did that black dude
learn how to do it?
Didn't he watch
some older black guy do it?
But what? 'Cause he's the same color,
he's not stealing.
He's just carrying on the tradition.
But if Elvis does it, 'Oh, what the fuck?'
Now he's the biggest thief ever?
That doesn't make any sense to me."
She goes, "No, you idiot,
it's not about the leg shaking, okay?
He appropriated a culture.
He took all the music,
he got all the money, got all the fame,
he's called the King of it now,
and he never gave a shit,
not even a shout-out."
And I was like, "All right.
[laughter]
Fair enough.
Made about seven or eight
good points there that I can't refute.
[laughter]
He appropriated a culture.
I get it. You're right."
She goes, "Fine, thank you."
And I go, "However...
[laughter]
Not for nothing, do I get mad at you
when you get on a skateboard
and you start going down
the fucking street?
Do I get all offended, like,
'Hey, man, that's some white shit!
Stop appropriating my culture, man.
Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica
came up with that, man.'"
So she starts laughing,
and I should've stopped there,
but I'm a comedian, right?
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting a laugh.
There's gotta be a bigger laugh,
so keep going, Bill.
Let's come with another example."
So I'm like, "Yeah, do I get mad at you
when you fly from LA to New York
in under six hours?"
And she just, yeah... [chuckles] Yeah.
And she just stares at me.
She's just like, "That was fucked up."
[laughter]
I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, I know.
It sounded good in my fucking head
and then it came out. I just...
I was just going for the laugh."
And then she wouldn't let up.
She's like, "Why is it fucked up?
Why is it fucked up?"
So now I'm back in the classroom,
and I'm like, "Because...
if, historically speaking,
black people enjoyed the same amount
of freedom and privilege,
they would have had the money and the time
to figure out how to fly, too."
And she goes, "That's right."
And I go, "However...
[laughter]
...your music would've suffered."
[laughter and applause]
Yeah!
"You can't have my level
of freedom and privilege
walking around with that cul-de-sac,
'It really is gonna be okay!'
and come up with that painful,
beautiful music. You can't do that.
Next thing you know,
you're clapping on the fucking downbeat,
you're playing a washboard, right?
James Brown is line dancing.
All goes out the window,
so you gotta make a choice!
Either you learn how to fly
and your music sucks..."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Oh, I just noticed this thing came off.
We can't have this.
There's gotta be continuity
between the fucking shows here.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
This thing never comes off.
It's right when you tape
a fucking special,
then everything just falls apart.
Royal Albert Hall, huh?
Where did you buy this mic stand, huh?
Where the fuck did you get this?
[cheering and applause]
You know the mic stand guy's
all fucking pissed off.
"Right, that's a jolly good
fucking mic stand. Fucking Yank!
Fucking Yank...
Everything fucking falls off on him.
[laughter]
How dare you! The Queen comes down here
and sits in a box
and watches the show!"
You know what I heard about you guys?
[laughter]
Actually, by the way,
I've been over here for a week,
and as an American,
I gotta say something.
You guys are pretty fat, too.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
[cheering and applause]
Yeah.
Specifically the men.
I don't know what's going on with the men,
but I don't give a fuck how fat you get,
you're gonna pour yourself
into your skinny jeans.
They still got them. It's like you're
squeezing all the fat to the top
like toothpaste.
"Right, still wearing me same jeans
from primary school!"
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Um...
I don't know, but anyways...
You know what I'm afraid of?
Robots.
Yeah. I saw one get interviewed
on 60 Minutes.
The top journalistic program
in the United States.
And he's just sitting there
getting interviewed, not nervous at all,
just rattling off
all the fucking answers. You know?
Not smoking, not fucking,
you know, leaking oil,
whatever you would do
as a nervous robot, right?
And the reporter's asking him questions,
and in the end, he goes,
"So, tell us..." He's like, uh...
He's like, "What are your goals?"
And I am alone in a hotel room,
and I literally lean towards the TV.
I'm like,
"Do these fucking things have goals?"
[laughter]
And the fucking robot just answers.
He just goes... uh...
He goes, "What are your goals?"
And the robot goes,
"To become smarter than human beings."
Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it.
He's like,
"Okay, and what's your favorite color?"
[laughter]
Meanwhile, I'm standing on my bed,
yelling at the TV, like,
"Dude, unplug that fucking thing!
Take the batteries out!
Pull the wire...
Pull the wires out! Do something!
How many sci-fi movies do you have to see
before you realize where this is going?"
So, anyways, every smart person,
every super-smart person in the world
is saying these fucking things
are gonna kill us.
Even your boy here, he recently died.
What was his name?
-He was always sitting down.
-[man] Hawking!
[laughter]
Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah!
Too good to fucking stand up
and make his point,
just sitting down, all fucking smarmy.
[chuckles]
"Oh, I care so much,
I poured ice on myself!
Um...
And I showed off my abs
at the same time for the Gram!"
No, I'm just fucking with you. I am
so glad that guy's fucking dead, though.
You know?
[laughter]
Look at you guys. How much longer
did you want him to suffer?
You don't believe in an afterlife?
Maybe he's up there now,
his fucking legs work,
he's getting an angelic blow job.
How much longer did you want him
to fucking sit there
so you could feel better about yourself?
"Well, at least I'm not all fucking
twisted up, saying smart shit," right?
I couldn't fucking stand that guy.
He was so fucking negative!
He never had anything positive to say.
"Hey, Steve,
what have you got for us today?"
"In 2035, there will be no more apples."
"Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot.
Wasn't thinking about that, now I am.
Hey, so what's the solution?"
"It's too late.
We needed to try 40 years ago."
"Thanks a lot, buddy.
I'm gonna go cry with my child now."
Dude, I could hang out with that guy
for about three minutes
before I took the brake off his chair
and just zoomed him into the other room.
[laughter]
"Hey, Steve, come back here when you got
something dumb and positive to say."
Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with
all of these super-smart people
thinking that these fucking robots
were gonna kill us. Right?
I agreed with all of that shit until,
a couple of years ago, I was in New York,
and I was looking through a newspaper,
right?
And I have a whole new fucking theory.
But in order for me to tell you my theory,
I have to quickly take you back
to the deep, dark, sordid history
of the blow-up doll.
All right? I know there's
a lot of millennials here, young people.
You probably don't even know
what one of these is, all right?
With your fucking...
I don't know what you guys do,
your virtual reality glasses,
you know, fucking free porn flying by.
You're grabbing titties, whatever.
Whatever it is you do.
Right?
[laughter]
Back in the day, this was the deal.
If you were a person
and you wanted to have sex
with somebody else, but, like,
nobody else wanted to have sex with you...
and, you know, you weren't strong enough
to hold anybody down, I mean...
[laughter]
You had to go... You had to...
That's how it was!
You had to go out,
and you had to get a blow-up doll.
And you had to fucking go out and get it.
You had to fucking go out and get it.
All right? You couldn't just order it
off of an Amazon
and some delivery guy shows up.
He doesn't know what's in the box.
You're standing there like Tom Hanks,
"Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!"
[chuckles]
"I'm gonna fuck that,
and you have no idea what it is!"
[laughter]
No. Dude, you had to go down,
and you had to fucking get this thing.
You had to find a porno store.
You had to work it out
that it was far enough away
from your house
that no one's gonna recognize your car.
You drive down at,
like, 11 in the morning.
Who the fuck
is gonna be there then, right?
You park in the back on, like,
a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car,
psyching yourself up. [exhaling]
"Okay, I'm not hurting anybody.
It's just an urge.
Just get in there, okay?
Hand him the money,
just get in there and get it done!"
You yank your hat down.
You fucking walk in with all your courage.
Then you get in there, there'd be
too many other perverts in there,
and you get all psyched out.
So what you do is
you just grab a bunch of videotapes,
and you walked up to the counter.
And you had to make it look like
it was an impulse buy, right?
And you're walking up,
and everything, all the creepy shit,
was behind the counter, right?
Just fucking heads and feet,
just an ass, body parts.
Serial killer buffet.
"What fucking world am I entering?
Oh, my God, somebody's fucking a neck?
Jesus Christ!" Right?
And you set it down.
Just make it look real subtle.
"Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?"
"Uh, yeah, no,
maybe that thing down the end
with the surprised look on its face.
Maybe I'd like to take a shot at that.
I don't know."
The guy wraps it up, you finally get it.
You give him the money.
You fucking run out to the car.
You have this whole weird emotion.
You're, like, excited
and you hate yourself.
"Thank God, I finally did it!
What the fuck is wrong with me?"
And just drive off.
You go back to your little
shitty fucking apartment,
and you had to blow it up quietly
so none of your neighbors heard.
Just like...
[blowing]
Then you got excited,
started going a little faster.
And just watching this thing
slowly coming to life, just like...
[laughter]
[applause]
Right? And then you'd wrap
those rubber legs around you.
[screams]
And God forbid you got caught.
Your roommate comes walking in,
"He's fucking a blow-up doll!"
Dude, your life was over!
You had, like, six minutes
to get your mom on the phone.
"Mom, I love you,
and you're never gonna see me again!
Don't believe what people said about me!
I'm so sorry! I'm going to Alaska!
Oh, God, God!" Click.
That was it. You moved to Alaska.
No one ever saw you again.
And that's why, to this day,
if you go to Alaska,
there's, like, eight men
for every two women.
Yeah, 'cause that state is littered
with men who got caught fucking shit
they shouldn't have been fucking.
[laughter]
So, now, fast-forward to about 2016,
I'm in New York City, right?
And I'm looking through the newspaper,
whatever, and I come across an article,
and it's on this robot that, for $10,000,
you buy this thing,
you can have sex with it. Right?
Now, notice, five minutes ago,
I brought up a blow-up doll.
Didn't even have a joke,
just said "blow-up doll"
and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha.
A blow-up doll.
"Who would do such a stupid thing?"
Right? "That's weird."
Five minutes later, I say,
"A robot that you can have sex with,"
dead silence in here.
[laughter]
As if, collectively,
you were all just like, "Well...
[laughter]
What does it look like?"
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It still looks like a dead body,
but it looks way fucking better...
than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago.
And that's what scares me.
Because everything gets better. Right?
You look at when cars first came out,
the stupid horn... Ah-oo-ga.
You had to crank-start it,
you'd run over your best friend.
Now you can start one up
with a remote control from, like,
50 yards away.
Right?
Remember when airbags first came out?
They just had one for the driver.
[squeals] Ah!
"My family!
[laughter]
[sobs]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Why would you just save me?"
[laughter]
And then, eventually,
they got airbags for everybody.
Well, these robot sex dolls
are gonna be no different.
Okay? They're just gonna keep getting
better and better and better,
and these fucking nerds are not gonna be
making any regular-looking robot dolls,
right?
You know, some girl next door,
you know, just some plain Jane,
the chick your mom likes, being like,
"Well, there's a nice girl
you could settle down with.
She knows how to cook." Fuck that.
They're gonna make
Victoria's Secret supermodels,
just absolute, like,
Paris runway-looking supermodels,
and you're gonna come home
to one of these things
and it's gonna laugh at all your jokes.
[robotic laughing]
It's gonna sit down
and watch the game with you, like,
"It doesn't get any better than this.
Yes, it does!"
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
And it's gonna get up
and make you a fucking,
I don't know, Bundt cake or a meat pie,
whatever the fuck you people eat, right?
[laughter]
There's not gonna be a human woman in here
that's gonna be able
to compete with that...
for longer than 90 minutes,
even on your birthday!
By the third trip to the fridge,
she'll be like,
"Fucking get it yourself!
What am I, your slave? Go fuck yourself!"
And after you've been with
one of these robots, like, sex dolls,
you're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman.
Right, with all her hopes and dreams...
and her needs.
You're gonna be coming home.
She's like, "What is going on with you?
We're not connecting.
We need a date night."
All you'll be thinking is, like,
"How do I shut this fucking thing off?
What, is it on nagging mode?
Why isn't it blowing me right now?
I clearly entered the room.
I entered the room. It's supposed
to drop to its knees and blow me.
I don't understand."
Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at,
like, a dictator level.
Like, "Me and my man tits have arrived!
Service me! Say that I am your lord!"
Yeah, that's it. You're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman,
and then nobody's gonna be fucking women,
so they're gonna get lonely,
so they'll have to create a doll
for you guys, right? A giant fucking...
I don't know what you guys are into.
I don't pretend to know.
Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking
fucking robot doll,
fucking eight-pack abs,
a robot dick down to the floor.
You know?
Holds both your hands
when you tell a story. All right?
[laughter and applause]
Whatever you're into!
Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon.
"It's got to be five o'clock somewhere."
[robotic laughing]
Yeah. I think they're gonna
fuck us into extinction.
'Cause at that point,
the only people left having sex
with other human beings
are gonna be hipsters and the homeless.
Right? Because hipsters,
they love all the old shit, right?
Cassette tapes, Frisbees,
dressing like a cobbler...
Whatever the fuck it is they're doing,
right?
But even a homeless guy, you know, after,
like, I don't know, a couple of years,
he'll be able to drag some old,
one-legged, fucked-out robot model
out of the trash,
drag it back to its lair.
That thing will still be building him up,
you know,
just laying there, like,
"I don't think you smell that bad."
[robotic laughing]
"This is my favorite bridge."
[robotic laughing]
Yeah.
And we're all gonna fucking die off,
and what's gonna be left
to fight these robots off is gonna be
an entire generation of hipster spawn.
Yeah!
And they're gonna go to war ironically.
[laughter]
Yeah. Dressing... Dressed like...
I don't know,
fucking growing Civil War beards,
dressing like Star Wars action figures,
and they are gonna get
fucking slaughtered!
And right when
they get down to the last 30,
there's gonna be
a liberal robot going like,
"We should save a few for posterity."
Right? And they're just gonna
stick them in a zoo...
and be this little hodgepodge
of what was left.
You know, black, white, Latin, Asian,
gay, straight, trans, whatever.
Whatever the fuck, right?
And they're still gonna be
arguing with each other.
The robots will just be
standing outside, going,
"I love it when they cross their legs."
[laughs robotically]
[laughs]
Yeah. And this is the fucking world
that I brought my daughter into.
Like, I actually...
am legitimately scared about them.
I don't know. I gotta tell you, though,
becoming a dad was the greatest...
is the greatest fucking thing
that ever happened to me.
It really is.
I don't have any jokes about my kid.
-No, it is.
-[cheering and applause]
And you're applauding my wife.
She did all the work.
Yeah.
Yeah, knocking a woman up, that's easy.
You just have fun. You...
Unprotected sex, bam,
you knock them up,
and then they have to deal with it.
You know?
No matter how much they try to drag you
into it, it really is, it's their show.
You know? I always say my wife...
When my wife was pregnant, I'd say,
"My wife, you know, she's pregnant."
Then I have these people like, "Excuse me,
you're supposed to say, 'We're pregnant.'
You're supposed to say, 'We're pregnant.'"
It's like, "Well, I'm not a seahorse,
so I'm not fucking pregnant."
My wife is pregnant.
She's putting on weight,
her feet are swelling up. You know,
she's miserable. Fucking miserable.
I'm still doing pull-ups.
I'm crushing it while being pregnant.
I'm still drinking, smoking, yeah.
[chuckles]
No, the only thing that sucked
was I had to get rid of my dog.
Yeah. Had to find her a new home.
Well, I finally had to admit
that she was fucking crazy.
I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah,
it was one of these fucking dogs, man.
It tried to kill both of my parents.
It tried to kill my father-in-law.
It bit one of my friends.
I'd have family come over,
friends or whatever,
we'd have to stick it in the back room,
like, lock the door.
For the first hour, it'd just be
throwing itself up against the door.
"I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!
I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"
Looking under the door,
"I can see your feet!
I know what you smell like!
I'll follow you home. I'll find you.
I'll fucking kill all of you!"
And we were just in total denial,
like, "No, she's just a little, you know,
a little scared... 'cause she was abused."
And we got, like,
a trainer and all of that shit,
and he finally said,
"Listen, man, this is one of these dogs
nature said no to,
but people said yes to."
So I'm like, "Jesus Christ, you could've
told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago!"
You know?
So now my wife,
she's five months pregnant,
she's six months, seven,
eight months pregnant.
It's just the fucking...
this thing just hanging over my head,
and finally I said to my wife,
"We gotta do something about this."
I'm not gonna be this guy in the news,
being like, "Well, you know, uh,
the dog loved me and my wife,
so I figured it'd be all right
to let it sleep near the bassinet.
And, well, you can imagine my surprise
the next morning..."
Yeah. I wasn't gonna be that guy
in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right?
I gotta get rid of this thing.
So we called my trainer,
and he goes, "All right, I'll take it."
Okay, thank God they're not gonna
put the dog down or anything like that,
so I'm like, "Thank God."
So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."
And it was very sad
because we both loved this dog, like,
with all our hearts, right?
And what amazed me, though,
was over that week,
the way my wife handled grief versus me.
It was so mature.
She just, like, took it on.
I just went into denial. I was just like,
"Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,
so I'm not gonna think about it."
And I just called the dog up on the bed,
started petting her
and lashing out at people
for no fucking reason. Right?
My wife just went into the bathroom
that night. She was brushing her teeth.
I could just hear her quietly crying.
[weeping]
I swear to God, I was on the bed,
and I literally... I got mad at her.
I didn't yell at her.
Just... I had it just internal, you know?
And I was just thinking, like,
"Why is she having the proper emotion
in this fucking moment?
Why isn't she just blocking it out
the fucking way I am?" Right?
"Just don't deal with it
till you fucking give it away,
and then just start yelling at people.
The way I do." Right?
That's what we did. I blocked it out,
and every night, she would cry a bit more.
The whole week... [weeping]
Till the night before, she's like...
[sobs loudly]
Right? And what I didn't realize was
she had cried herself into acceptance.
And meanwhile, my emotions
were still at the starting line.
And there's a knock at the door, and she
goes, "Okay, he's here. Go get the dog."
And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!"
And she popped her head up,
and I saw her wagging her fucking tail,
and all of a sudden,
eight years of conditional love
all started bubbling up, and I was like,
"Oh, fuck, not now! Not now!"
So I just pushed it down. [grunts]
I just walked at her
like some weird game show host.
"Hey, how are you?
I'm smiling for no reason, all right?
Now we're going for a walk.
I'm just gonna say what we're doing
so I don't think about what I'm feeling."
And I just walked out,
handed the leash to the new owner,
pet her on the head,
didn't even look her in the eye,
'cause I knew I couldn't,
and just turned around
and walked away from something
that I had loved
more than I had loved anything in my life
up to that point.
Don't tell my wife. All right?
[laughter]
Then I come back into the house.
She's just looking at me.
She knows I'm out of my fucking mind.
She's like, "Are you okay?
Everything all right?
Wanna talk about it?
We could go get something to eat?"
I'm like, "No, I'm fine. Sometimes,
you have to be up here and think logical,
and not be in your heart. I'm just gonna
go into the bathroom for a second."
And I went in, and I closed the door,
and for 0.8 seconds,
cried like a little boy,
before I put the lid back on the jar.
Fastened it back
and just added it to the shelf of anger
that sits in every man's chest.
Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
And I couldn't help but wonder
in that moment who that I love in my life
is gonna pay for that in the future.
[laughter]
Like, where am I gonna be?
Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond...
"How many fucking towels do we need?
Jesus Christ,
it's a fucking sickness with you!"
"Where is this coming from?
I just don't understand
where this is coming from."
Listen, you guys are so awesome.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I had a great time. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Seriously, thank you, guys, so much.
It's been the best two days of my life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Good night!
[cheering continues]
[background chatter]
[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Bill Burr!
All right, thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?
Excellent. Thank you for coming out.
Very prestigious...
arena to listen
to my dick and shit jokes over the next...
[chuckles] ...90 minutes.
No, I'm excited to be here. I am.
It's very, uh...
[audience whooping]
...exciting to be doing stand-up
outside of my own country.
Yeah. No, not 'cause of you!
[laughter]
It's how it's become.
Fucking US, everything's so goddamn...
Every fucking joke you tell,
"Well, what did you mean about that?
I didn't go to the gym today.
Are you calling me fat?
I feel fucking triggered."
[laughter]
Gotta fucking apologize to everybody.
This is how screwed up
my country is right now.
-You... You know Bryan Cranston, right?
-[audience cheers]
That dude did a movie.
He played a quadriplegic...
and people gave him shit...
[laughter]
...being like, "Why is there
an able-bodied person
playing a quadriplegic?"
It's like, "It's because it's called
acting, you dumb fuck."
See, if he was a quadriplegic
playing a quadriplegic,
that's not acting.
That's just fucking laying there,
saying shit that someone else wrote.
[laughter]
"So tell us, what did you do
to prepare for the role?"
"Well, I dove head-first
into the shallow end of a pool
when I was 23.
I feel like I've been preparing
for this role for my whole life."
[laughter]
"Right, what is up next for you?"
"Oh, well,
they're gonna do a reboot of Top Gun.
Uh, I'm gonna fly... [mumbling]
And, uh,
the copilot's gonna be transgender.
So everybody will be happy.
She won't die. Her discarded dick
will block her head from the canopy.
There'll be a gender-neutral bathroom
on the plane."
[laughter]
How fucking dumb is that?
That's literally like watching a movie,
"Why didn't you have a murderer
play a murderer?
And how come the guy he shot,
I saw him in another movie?"
I mean, what the fuck is going on?
[laughter]
No, I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what the fuck is going on...
but I think white women started it.
[laughter]
[cheering and applause]
Oh! It's the worst.
The fucking worst. That's all they do,
is bitch, moan, and complain.
I had no idea how difficult it was
to be a white woman
in the United States of America.
Evidently, it's really difficult.
[chuckles]
[laughter]
Yeah, they're always bitching.
"Do you have any idea
what it's like to be me?"
"Well, I imagine it would be
slightly less awesome than my life."
[laughter]
[laughs]
"What happened to you today,
sweetheart, huh?
Did they not chill your ros?"
You know? "Was the trolley
not running down at the mall?
What happened?"
No, it's unreal.
I'm really fucking annoyed
how white women have the fucking balls
to throw my white privilege in my face.
You know?
Start to separate themselves
from these "white males,
with their white male privilege."
It's like, "Bitch, you're sitting
in the Jacuzzi with me!
The fuck are you talking about?
Yeah! Quit your fucking whining."
Look... here's a little caveat here,
so you don't think I'm a complete asshole
right out of the gate, all right?
If you fucking... If you're living
some Honey Boo Boo lifestyle
on the Appalachian Trail, you know,
and your uncle
just banged you in the dirt,
all right, I can listen to you.
No, one of my fantasies
is I wanna drive by, like,
a woman's rally and just say
the most sexist shit I can think of...
just to watch them lose their minds.
You know,
just drive by real slow and be like,
"Yeah, why don't you get back
in the kitchen where you belong?"
[chuckles]
Just to look in the rearview mirror,
watching them, "ah,"
flipping out in the road.
Spinning around like Leatherface
at the end of Texas Chain Saw Massacre,
like...
"Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Yeah. No, it's a very, uh...
I don't know, times are changing, I guess.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Michelle Obama's doing an arena tour.
That's another thing going on.
I'm gonna say that again.
Michelle Obama...
[laughter]
...is doing an arena tour.
She's not playing comedy clubs.
She's doing arenas.
When did First Ladies
start acting like they got elected?
You know?
Dude, being a First Lady,
that's not a fucking job.
Just standing there, smiling and waving.
Hey?
Look how quiet it is in here.
Why is it so fucking quiet?
You think that's a job?
It's not a fucking job!
Dude, if you really think it's a job,
just look at him.
Right? Look at Obama.
When that guy got elected,
he looked like he was about 41 years old.
When he left office,
that guy looked like he was about 73.
Right?
Look at Michelle.
She looks younger now than she did
when that dude got elected.
What has she done
for the last eight years...
[cheering and applause]
...yeah, other than lay in a giant vat
of Illuminati-level lotion?
Just sitting there, floating.
A couple hours, a shape-shifter comes in
and dumps another bucket on her.
"Here's some more... more of this."
She pops her head up: "Hey, Bam-Bam,
tell Stevie Wonder to come down
and play some songs tonight."
[gurgles]
[laughter]
Yeah. I found out she's doing a tour,
'cause she's doing a book tour.
Yeah, she wrote a book.
She wrote a book about not having a job.
[laughs]
I gotta read that fucking book!
"Chapter One,
how to know if a dick tastes presidential.
[laughter]
How to weed your way...
[whistles and applause]
How to weed your way through
all that local representative cock
and get to the big swinging dick
in the room."
[chuckles]
I'll tell you right now,
say what you want
about Republican Presidents,
but they got their First Ladies in line.
[laughter]
They do!
Dude, George W. was President
for eight years. Eight years!
I don't even know his wife's name!
[laughter]
What was it, Abigail or some shit?
Maggie? No clue!
Donald Trump's wife stands behind him
like a giant meerkat, like...
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Bill Clinton was President,
his wife never shut up.
"Ah! I wanna do healthcare! Ah!"
He fucked around on her so much.
He was like,
"All right, whatever, just do it."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
But I'm telling you right now,
I'm gonna check out that fucking tour.
I gotta see what that's all about.
You know?
Who opens? Who opens on that fucking tour?
Was it Oprah Winfrey's husband? You know?
[laughter]
Does he fucking come out and talk about
what it's like to walk her dogs?
"I do it for 20 minutes a day.
The cocker spaniel's
probably the most fussiest,
and I gotta bring him around."
Look, I'm sure that there's some, uh,
feminists in the crowd right now
not appreciating this joke,
feeling triggered,
feeling like they need to fucking put out
a hashtag or some shit.
And be brave and speak out.
You know what? You're full of shit.
[laughter]
You are.
[cheering and applause]
All...
All those feminists are full of shit.
'Cause I'm gonna tell you right now,
someday... someday, there's gonna be,
there's gonna be
the first woman President. All right?
-Which means...
-[cheering]
You don't even know
what her fucking platform is,
and you automatically cheer.
[laughter]
"Ooh, ooh, it's got the same genitalia!
Ooh!"
Fucking... I'm telling you.
They're not smart people.
Feminists, they're not as smart
as they're coming off, I'm telling you.
Someday...
there's gonna be...
This is going to be my last show ever
by the time this fucking thing comes out.
Someday, there's gonna be
the first female President,
which means there's gonna be
the first male First Lady. Right?
And you wait. You fucking wait!
The first time that dude opens his mouth
about some political shit,
you watch all these feminists.
They're all gonna be, "You shut
the fuck up! You shut the fuck up!
It is her time now. It is her time.
She was elected, not you!
Go pick out some plates, bitch!
You are the First Lady."
[chuckles]
He's gonna get treated like Tom Arnold
when he was with Roseanne.
[laughter]
Secret Service name will be,
like, "Appendix" or "Doesn't Matter."
"'Not Worthy of Protecting'
just entered the Oval Office.
'Not Worthy of Protecting'."
So, anyways...
There's been, uh...
The Me Too movement has happened
since the last time I was here.
Yeah, no, it had to happen, Jesus Christ,
but, you know, I think it's dying down.
You know?
I don't know, I think they got everybody.
[laughter]
Right?
[chuckles]
Just judging by the stories,
I feel like they kind of got everybody.
'Cause the first stories that came out,
they were fucking unbelievable.
It was just guys taking their dicks out
at work, like, "Look at it! Look at it!
Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Fucking blocking doors
and jizzing on plants.
You're fucking at home watching,
"Jesus Christ, people did this shit?"
I remember this one poor woman
said she was a PA,
went into some director's trailer,
and he came...
allegedly, came running out,
masturbating vigorously
while holding a shrimp cocktail.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I swear to God!
I know that's fucked up,
but I gotta tell you something.
It's a little bit funny
that she felt the need
to use the adjective "vigorously"
after she said he was masturbating.
"He was masturbating vigorously."
I'm thinking in my head,
"Like, as opposed to what?"
[laughter]
As far as I know,
there is only one successful way
to perform that act,
and that would be vigorously.
Is there another way to do it?
Can you do it passively? You know?
Is that how Sting does it?
Is that how he's able to fuck
for hours and hours?
Fans a little air on it.
He puts on "Fields Of Gold."
Just lets that thing rise up.
Just...
Just letting it marinate, right?
[chuckles]
Yeah, so the stories were big
in the beginning.
Like, "Oh, my God,
what a bunch of fucking animals."
And then they just started tapering...
tapering off.
And about, I don't know, six months in,
they just sounded like bad dates.
It was like, "He was... He was
ten minutes late. The chicken was cold.
I think I was raped. Career over!"
[laughter]
"What about my side of the story?"
"Fuck your side of the story!
You have a dick and balls.
We don't wanna hear it!"
Yeah.
It's really weird how the whole thing...
It went from, like, nobody listening...
men not listening to women at all,
to just this total over-correction
that anything they fucking said
means it happens, you know?
They got these hashtags like,
you know, "Believe women."
"Believe women," right?
That's a little open-ended, huh?
Just straight across the fucking board,
all of them?
Every last fucking one of them?
What about the psychos?
What about the ones that key your car
and light your shit on fire
'cause you didn't fucking answer a text?
What about them? Huh?
How about you believe, like, 88%,
and that last 12%
that's out of their fucking minds...
You know, I think that's
a fair percentage, wouldn't you?
No? Are you too afraid?
To not believe?
I know, that's the world
we're fucking living in right now.
No, everything has just become
fucking absolutes.
In... In... In the States,
it's fucking nuts.
Like that Colin Kaepernick guy, right?
You knew when he was, like,
protesting during the national anthem,
no one was gonna listen
to what the fuck he had to say.
No matter how much he explained it.
He goes, "I'm taking a knee
during the national anthem.
This is a protest about police brutality,
the way people of color are treated.
We'd like to open a dialogue."
He got halfway through,
then people were like,
"My brother's fighting in Iraq,
you fucking piece of shit!"
It's just like, "Buddy, buddy...
nobody is saying your brother
isn't in Iraq fighting.
You're not listening.
This is about police brutality--"
"My brother's a firefighter.
He watched 9/11 on television!"
"No, no, no, buddy, nobody's saying
that your brother's not a firefighter."
"I have a bone spur in my heel!
I can still stand up
during the fucking song!"
"Buddy, nobody is saying
you can't see a fucking podiatrist.
All right?
You're not listening."
That's what it became.
It went from not listening to women
to just "believe women", right?
And then people were just like,
"Did you see that story?
Did you read the story?
You can't make something like that up."
I literally wanna be like,
"Well, did you see Star Wars?"
[laughter]
I mean, somebody made that up.
They made, like,
fucking 15 of them, you know?
People can make shit up, right?
"You're part of the fucking problem!
Get the fuck out..." You know?
[chuckles]
"No means no," that's another one.
"No means no."
It's like, no, it doesn't.
All right?
[laughter]
Look, "No!" means no.
"No!" That means no, all right?
[in flirty voice]
But, "No, stop it, what are you doing?
Oh, my God, you're being so bad.
Stop it! No!"
Yeah, that's not a fucking no!
That means, "I wanna do it,
but I'm afraid you're gonna judge me,
so I'm just gonna make it look like
it was your idea so you don't figure out
that I've already performed this act
with 40 other fucking people." Right?
[laughter]
But then... then you go to court
and you get a bad reading.
Some guy's reading it.
[in serious voice]
"Ah, Your Honor, she said, 'No, stop it.
What are you doing? You're being so bad.'"
[laughter]
Yeah! And you're just sitting there like,
"She didn't fucking say it like that!
She didn't say it like that!"
Yeah.
So now everybody's just,
like, scared shitless.
You know? 'Cause I guess if women
ran the world, there'd be no war.
Evidently,
there would be no due process either.
So you've just gotta sit there,
going, "Ah? Ah? Huh?"
[laughs]
No, it's fucking nuts.
People are so scared now.
You now have the male feminist.
Like, where the fuck did that come from?
Just out of nowhere, last couple years.
"I'm a male feminist.
I've always championed women--"
No, you haven't. You haven't!
This shit came out
and you're fucking scared.
You did something.
You grabbed some fucking titties.
What the fuck did you do that you have
to over-correct that fucking hard?
What kind of a man who still has his balls
is walking around saying
that he's a male feminist?
"Oh, I'm a male feminist.
I totally see the way
you see the fucking world."
It's... It's impossible...
as a man who was raised right...
[laughs]
[laughter and applause]
...to be a feminist.
You can't do it. You're a man.
Look, you can agree with it,
you can empathize,
sympathy, you can do all of that shit,
but you can't be it any more than
I can stand there and just be like,
"I'm a Black Panther. Fight the power!"
And then I walk out the door,
a blue-eyed white dude,
and I get to live that fucking life,
right?
I don't know. I don't know, ladies.
I don't buy it. Maybe you do, I don't.
Anytime I hear a guy say,
"I'm a male feminist,"
I always just think, "That is
the most pathetic, limp-dick way ever
to try and get some pussy." Right?
Like, that's literally...
that is literally the fucking game
you had when you were on a first date
when you were 16,
you were all nervous
and your whole game plan was,
"Just agree with her.
Maybe she'll touch it."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
"So, what are your favorite bands?"
"I like whatever you like!
Will you touch it now?
Did I do it right? Uh..."
Yeah, it's a weird time right now.
I'm glad that I'm fucking married now.
I don't gotta fucking deal
with any of that shit. You know?
For younger guys,
how do you deal with it?
You know what was really fucked up
in all of this, though?
What about women who like it rough?
Right?
That doesn't happen here
in the jolly old England? Huh?
[laughter]
Not at all!
Everybody gets all dead silent.
Big fucking elephant in the fucking room.
-Right? Yeah.
-[man] Ask for consent!
How the fuck do you... What's that?
-[man] Ask for consent!
-"Ask for consent"?
Doesn't that take the mood... Well, Jesus,
that kind of took it in a weird way.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Dude, whatever the fuck I was saying,
however you heard it,
that's not what the fuck I'm saying.
All right?
[laughter]
"You know, I've really listened
to this Me Too movement.
I think for the first time in my life,
I'm gonna ask for consent!
I'm really gonna do it this time.
I've been feeling..."
This is why you can't judge comedians.
Do you understand?
Do you understand
what the fuck I was saying
and how this fucking jackass
just heard it?
You know? The second...
[cheering]
Yeah!
The second it comes out of my mouth,
it's not what I said anymore.
Goes into your fucking ear hole
and gets cut
with your whole fucking childhood.
"Oh, this is what he means!
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da..."
[laughter]
Sir, if I could get along with my point,
if you wouldn't mind that.
[laughter]
No, like, fucking women who like it rough,
like, that's gotta be so fucking weird.
[chuckles] I remember when I was
a single man a long time ago.
A lot of hair ago, right?
Still wasn't a good look,
but I was single.
I was out there, taking some at bats.
I remember that shit. You'd meet a woman,
and when it started going down that road,
like you knew you were gonna hook up,
you'd try to get a jump on it, right?
You'd try to figure out
what they liked in the bedroom
because you wanted to satisfy them.
There's nothing worse
than if you don't satisfy them,
and you know they're gonna
tell all their friends,
and then you gotta fucking move,
and now there's social media
and you got a fucking nickname...
It's a nightmare.
So, you just try to, you know... You try
to do a little fucking intelligence.
You'll be there, hanging out, just being
like, "Yeah, so, uh, what are you into?
What do you, uh...
What do you like to do?" Right?
One night, I asked a woman that,
she set her drink down,
she looked me right in the eye,
she's like, "I like to get fucked."
[chuckles]
And I knew what she meant!
"All right, this is gonna be one of these.
Okay, here we go. Just trying to...
[laughter]
We're gonna have to go hard on this one."
Right? We had a great fucking time.
I don't know how I would...
Today, I would just be like,
"All right, I know what you wanna do,
but, like, you're gonna have to do it.
You understand?
Like, I'm just gonna stand here,
and then you just back into me
however hard you want.
You control how hard
you're backing into me.
Then I'm gonna lay my hand
on your shoulder.
You can put your ponytail in it.
I will slowly close my hand around it.
And if at any point you want to
yank your head like that, that's on you.
My other hand will be just to the right
of your right ass cheek,
and if you wanna do one of those,
that's fine.
But I am not doing anything.
I'm just gonna stand here
like a giant fuck stick,
and you just have at it,
you just have at it."
Yeah.
You know what's hilarious
about sexual assault?
[laughter]
[chuckles]
You know what's hilarious about it?
Is how women are acting like
that is a uniquely female experience.
You know what's funny? I actually,
to the letter of the fucking law,
within the last two and a half years,
got sexually assaulted in this business
by a woman. Yeah!
And this is my story!
[laughter]
[chuckles]
I feel like I can live my truth
and be brave tonight
and share this with you.
It's a 100% true fucking story.
I was doing stand-up,
I was doing a private gig.
All right?
Private gigs are the fucking worst.
You do a public gig,
anybody can show up.
It broadens what you can talk about,
right?
You do a private gig,
it's like everybody grew up
on the same fucking street,
so all your jokes gotta go
right down fucking mainstream
or you're bombing.
So all you do is listen to the first comic
to hear what's working and what isn't.
You're just listening
as he's up there struggling,
going, "Okay, they like bread.
Talk about bread.
Get all the bread you can.
Don't make fun of the troops.
Stay away from the troops!" Right?
So that's what we're doing, right?
And the host gets them going,
then he brings up the first act.
Okay, she goes on stage.
She's not really a comedian,
more of a personality.
She does her bullshit or whatever,
and I'm standing there,
looking at my jokes,
figuring out what I'm doing.
She wraps it up. He goes on stage.
She goes to get off.
I'm thinking, "Okay, I'm next."
I'm looking at my stuff,
and she just walks right by me
and just fucking... poof!
Just flicked me right on the head
of my dick and kept walking!
[laughter]
Like it was nothing.
Just fucking... pow! And just kept...
I couldn't fucking believe it.
I know what you're thinking.
"Oh, was this a friend of yours?
Was she flirting with you?
Was this a joke?"
None of the above.
You know what it was?
I swear to God, it was like a bully vibe.
Like she was trying to get in my head.
"There you go, you little red dick.
Poof! Follow that!"
And she just kept walking.
Dude, my first thought
as I saw her walking away,
I just wanted to punch her in the back
of the head as hard as humanly possible.
Like, literally make her leave her shoes.
You know?
[laughter]
But the other side of my brain's like,
"No, dude, you can't do that.
You can't do that. It's a woman.
And it's just spitball.
Well, fucking boot her in the ass!
Boot her in the ass! Can't hit her, dude.
Can't hit her. It's a woman.
Well, fucking tell somebody!
Tell somebody!"
And all I'm thinking is,
like, "Dude, I'm a guy."
Can't fucking tell anybody.
Nobody gives a shit what happens to a guy.
I'm gonna walk up to another man
and be like, "Excuse me, sir,
but she just flicked me in my pee-pee,
and I didn't like that one bit.
No, sir! I didn't like that at all.
No, I didn't!"
All the guys are gonna be like,
"Dude, if she did that to me,
I would've taken my balls out, too.
Fucking flick both of these.
Fucking sports bar,
up top, Super Bowl, hey!"
Right?
That's all I would've got, right?
So now I'm standing there,
I'm waiting to go on stage,
the dude's doing my intro,
I'm trying to think
about jokes about bread,
and the tip of my dick is still stinging.
This is the world I'm in.
And right as he's gonna bring me on,
all of a sudden, she came out,
'cause she was going back out
to her fucking car,
and that's when my brain started
firing up again with some ideas.
Started thinking shit that I had
never thought before in my life.
Going like, "Dude, there she is.
There she is. Flick her in the box.
[laughter]
Do it, man. Equal rights.
She did it to you, you do it back to her!"
It started making sense.
"Yeah, fuck that!
Flick my dick, I'm gonna flick your clit!
That's right!
I'll fucking hit the man in the boat.
Drop down, uppercut to the bush.
Fuck this shit!
Think I'm the kind of person
you just can flick my dick
and walk away like it ain't shit?"
Right?
And it was making sense
till right when she got there,
finally, I just started thinking
of all the sporting events I had watched,
and I realized that the referee
only sees the retaliation.
He never sees the first aggression,
and then you have
to go to the... yellow card,
whatever the fuck you people
do over here, right?
You go to the penalty box!
So I let her go,
and I went out on stage. I did my shit.
But here was the thing. For the next
three fucking days, I'm driving round LA,
and I'm just losing my fucking mind.
You know?
I'm fucking screaming at the windshield,
saying all this shit that I wanted to say
but didn't say it in the moment. You know?
It wasn't because... This is the thing.
It wasn't because she touched me.
You know what I mean?
I don't give a fuck about that, all right?
You know, when I was a kid,
I had a paper route
and I was an altar boy. You know?
[laughter]
Yeah. You're gonna have
to do a little bit better...
than flick my dick over my jeans
and my underwear.
It's like, "Are we gonna do this or what?
Like, what is happening here?"
It's the fact that she thought
she could bully me.
So after fucking three days of this shit,
I had a splitting headache,
and I started realizing,
"Wait a minute. She's winning this thing."
You know? "Here I am,
still thinking about this shit.
She's probably gone on to flick
30 to 40 dicks since she's been with me.
All right,
she doesn't give a fuck about me."
So, you know what I did?
I drove to my house,
there was nobody home,
I went upstairs,
I closed the door, and I just sat down
and I meditated on it,
and I just forgave her.
-I did.
-[applause]
I just pictured her
as a little five-year-old girl
crying because her alcoholic dad,
you know, wouldn't hug her or something.
And she's just standing there crying,
like, "But, Daddy, I love you!"
He's like, "Get away from me!
I never wanted children!"
And then he walked through a screen door
and he, like, face-planted
into this above-ground pool.
And he had a tool belt on,
and it just sort of pulled him under.
And she ran out, she grabbed his foot,
and she was pulling and pulling,
and his boot came off, and she sat down,
and she just watched him slowly drown.
[laughter]
I don't know what happened after that.
I just felt, like,
this weight lift off of my chest.
[chuckles]
So, there you go.
All you tough guys over here in England,
don't be afraid to meditate, man.
I'm telling you.
You can let a lot of stuff go.
I don't know.
-[man] Whoo! [whistles]
-Do you know...
I'm all right with silence.
You don't have to feel like you have to
do anything fucking extra. Just relax.
If it's funny, fucking laugh.
If it isn't, just fucking sit there,
and I'll know it's time to move on.
[laughter]
Uh...
So, anyways,
I'm a married man with a kid.
Happily married man. Yes, I am.
[cheering]
I... Yeah, I love my wife to death.
I love everything about
being fucking married,
but I'll tell you this right now,
we do fight a lot.
We do argue all the time.
If I've learned anything
in five years of being married,
it is we're always working on me.
You know?
[chuckles]
Evidently, my wife is this completed work
under museum glass
that is to be admired and studied,
like, "Hmm, how did she do that?"
And I'm like one of these...
You know those buildings that
just has scaffolding around it for, like,
six straight years, and you're like,
"Are they ever gonna finish that thing?
Is that some sort of insurance job?
Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit!
They should just tear it down
and start over again."
Yeah.
I have a temper, so that's the thing.
That's what kind of ruins things.
Everything else I do is fine,
but I have a fucking temper
and it just ruins shit,
and then my wife
always says the same thing.
She's always just like,
"I just don't understand.
Where did that come from?
Where is that coming from?
You just go from zero to 100
in two seconds."
It's like, first of all,
I idle at 75 miles an hour, all right?
So don't give me this zero to 100.
I walked into this restaurant 75.
I could hear that guy
talking too loud on his cell phone
from the fucking parking lot!
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Yeah. I fucking tried all of this shit...
Whenever she says that to me,
though, I swear to God.
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?"
It actually hurts my feelings
when she says that. You know?
'Cause it makes me feel like
she's not listening to me.
It's like, "Honey, how many
childhood stories do I have to tell you
before you follow the breadcrumbs
to the absolute lunatic that you married?"
[laughter]
Didn't she ever take a psychology class?
I'm not that complex!
Like, I'll tell you guys a quick...
I'll tell you a quick childhood story.
I'll tell you one of the funnier ones.
One time, when I was, like, six,
my older brother was eight,
we were in the back seat of my dad's car,
and we were, like, laughing and excited
'cause it was around Christmas. Right?
And my dad just had this thing.
He just didn't like joy, you know?
[laughter]
So he's sitting there driving, going like,
"Jesus Christ, knock it off back there!
Christ, you're giggling
like a couple of little schoolgirls!
Christ, you don't straighten up,
I'm gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!"
And then he did.
[chuckles]
I swear to God.
He made us hold them up.
My mother's taking pictures
in front of the Christmas tree.
I'm just standing there, like, "Wah! Wah!"
Afterwards,
I ran upstairs to my top bunk.
My dad knew he'd fucked up.
To his credit, he came up,
he tried to smooth it over.
He's like,
"All right, come on back down.
It's over.
Come on down and enjoy the holiday."
And I'm like,
"No, I don't want any gifts,
I fucking hate you! Ah!" Right?
He eventually coaxed me down, you know?
He just... He softened up a little bit.
"Look, you don't get your fucking ass
back downstairs,
no one else can open their gifts.
Now move it out!
I said move it out!"
I go back downstairs all shell-shocked.
"Here's another gift for you, Billy."
I'm like, "Is this a fucking dollhouse?
When does it end?"
Yeah. That was Christmas,
and those were people that loved me.
[laughter]
"I just don't understand.
Where is this coming from?
I just don't understand."
So, I gotta do it, though.
I gotta work on the temper.
I'm gonna do it.
You know, I got the kid now,
and I just don't want...
I don't wanna pass it on to her, you know?
I have, like, a demon in my family tree.
Like, this fucking rage, it's just...
You know?
Just keeps following us, and now I got it.
I have it so bad,
like, literally, my daughter,
she's a little over two years old,
she's yet to meet me yet. You know?
Like, the real me.
She's seen glimpses of me.
Like, "Hey, how are you?" [chuckles]
She's seen glimpses of the anger,
but I'm able to smooth it over quickly.
Like, "Whoa,
Daddy almost snapped his phone in half!"
[laughter]
But I see it in her face.
I can see the way she looks at me.
She's starting to put it together, like,
"This dude's a little fucked up, man.
He's a little fucked up."
I cannot tell you how heartbreaking
that is to see from a toddler...
much less your own daughter.
I'm like, "I gotta end this thing, man."
This rage, it has to end with me.
I can't have an angry kid
just walking around,
fucking kicking toys, "Fucking bullshit!"
and just being, like, a lunatic.
I want to be like that priest
in The Exorcist when the devil got in him,
and he just fucking leaps
out the window and dies. You know?
So I have been fucking trying everything.
You know?
I tried, you know...
I don't know, I tried...
meditating, wearing sweaters.
I did that for a while.
Like, if I dressed like a regular guy,
I'd be one.
I drew a smiley face on a Post-it
and stuck it on my dashboard,
like that was gonna help
with my road rage.
You know, driving down the street like,
"You mother...
Oh, yeah, I guess I've done that too!
Thank you, smiley face."
[laughter]
I remember one night
I actually considered taking a bath.
'Cause I was gonna call my wife,
I was on the road, and I was like,
"I don't want to have a fight with her.
I need to relax. What the fuck can I do?"
And I thought about it.
Women take baths, right?
They do. It's a very feminine thing.
They have a bad week.
"I just wanna decompress,"
and they just have a soak,
and then they're just fine.
Next thing you know,
they're drinking wine, calling friends.
"I'm so glad you're in my life...
and I feel I can get back
out there again." Right?
So I'm literally alone,
I start drawing a bath,
and the water came all the way up.
And at the end of the day,
I couldn't fucking do it!
[chuckles]
There's just no way as a man
to take a bath
and not think about killing yourself.
You know?
There's just something about
slipping into that coffin-shaped thing.
It's like, "Am I gonna slit my wrists?
Am I testifying against the Mob?
What the fuck am I doing here?"
I'm a man!
I don't take a bath, you take a shower.
Hose it off, block out your feelings,
keep walking till you drop
of a heart attack.
Literally, as you're going down,
"Are you okay?" "I'm fine! I'm fine!"
[laughter]
Can't take a bath.
Sitting there playing with a rubber ducky,
sticking my toe in the faucet. Right?
Not allowed.
Not allowed to be that happy, so...
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I think I'm gonna go back to therapy.
Do that fucking bullshit again.
Fast-forward through all these stories
I've told a million times.
I gotta do it, though. And I'm gonna do it
for my kid and do it for my wife,
and, selfishly, do it for me...
because...
-[woman] Whoo!
-I'm gonna tell you why.
You're not gonna like the results, miss.
[laughter]
This is why I'm gonna do it.
If I actually don't have a temper,
like, I just think to myself,
"What could my wife complain..."
Like, "What could my wife
bitch at me about?" Right?
I fucking crush everything.
I do. I take out the trash, okay?
The gate was squeaky the other day.
I fucking made sure that was done,
you know?
I pick up after myself.
I like to think I'm a good dad.
I work my ass off.
I make a great fucking living.
Crush all of that.
All she has on me is who I am as a person.
[laughter]
That's it!
[cheering and applause]
Yeah, if I could just not be
who I was when she met me...
I think I'd have a shot, you know?
So, we figured out the number one thing
we fight about is television, you know?
I watch sports.
She watches those Real Housewives.
You know, it just doesn't work out.
You know, I...
You guys have
The Real Housewives out here?
You do? Yeah. Yeah. It's just...
I imagine it's just the most depressing
fucking thing ever, isn't it?
Those women,
they just look so fucking exhausted,
you know what I mean?
Just with the war paint
and the circle tits,
just trying to fucking tuck it in
and fucking...
Like an athlete
at the end of their career,
just trying to limp on to the field
one more time.
They're not as fast as they used to be.
It reminds you of your own mortality.
It's just like,
"Ladies, just fucking sit down.
Put on something flowing.
I'll put on a sport coat.
We'll be in bed by 8:30," right?
"We're fucking old," you know?
So, we realized that, uh, I don't know,
we always fight about the television,
so I'm like, "What about documentaries?
Why don't we just tape something
we both like?"
We both love documentaries.
They're fun, right?
You watch them. You learn something.
You repeat it at a party.
People think you read!
[laughter]
So I tape... You know, first one I tape
is on Elvis Presley. Right?
Now, I love Elvis. Okay? He fascinates me.
He's, like, the first rock star
with the power of television.
They just intersected,
and he ascended to this level of fame
that no one had ever been to before.
Hence, he made all the mistakes 'cause
there was no one there to help him out.
Right? He got a piece-of-shit manager
that stole from him. Bam!
He stopped making music,
started making shitty movies.
He's not a good actor, right? Does that.
Married a minor, started doing drugs,
got fat, got an entourage,
got even fatter,
started wearing onesies,
doing karate kicks,
splitting his fucking pants.
Nobody's saying shit.
"You look good, King!"
"You like that?
You like when my royal balls hang out?"
"We love it, King. Keep fucking going!"
Starts doing pills, gets addicted,
he fucking dies alone on a toilet.
All right? This man kicked open
all of those fucking doors
for the rest of us. All right?
So I sit down,
and I'm watching this documentary
as a white dude.
Which is what I am.
I'm looking out my white head,
watching this white shit,
it's coming back into my white eyes,
getting whiter by the fucking second.
All right?
Now, my wife, on the other hand,
she's black, right?
Now, I hate saying that,
'cause it makes it seem like
I'm gonna start doing
some stupid comparison jokes.
You know, those dumb
white guy, black guy jokes.
It's always like the white guy is like,
"Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes.
Can this chair hold me?"
The black guy is always like, "You need
to loosen up, you gotta relax, man.
You just gotta let it happen." Right?
[chuckles]
It's always the same stupid fucking joke.
I hate those jokes, you know,
'cause they're easy,
and it's been my experience
that it's just not true, you know?
Fifteen years of being with her,
there's really no difference, you know?
Because at the end of the day,
it's a woman.
[laughter]
All right? It's gonna be the same fights.
I don't give a fuck who you're with.
I'm not gonna lie to you,
there might be more head movement
and hand gestures
with different races of women...
possibly an index finger
jabbing at your forehead,
whatever the fuck that is.
But at the end of the day,
it's the same fights.
"What's going on with us?
Do you need to work on this?
Why don't we communicate better?"
Right?
So she starts watching this shit
as a black person, right?
And she's seeing all the racism,
obviously, that I'm seeing,
but she was catching all this subtle shit
that I was too white to see
but I knew I was missing it 'cause I just
kept hearing her huffing and puffing.
Just sitting next to me, being like...
[huffing]
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Okay, somebody did something!
[laughter]
I don't know what just happened,
but I don't think that was good!"
So right when I didn't think
it could get any worse,
it couldn't get any more uncomfortable
between the two of us,
this fucking white dude comes on who,
evidently, discovered Elvis.
And he's, like,
a hundred and fucking 90 years old.
And he comes out, starts talking.
He's just like,
"Well, basically,
I was looking for a white boy
that could take the down-and-dirty,
nasty blues and combine it
with the pristine,
angelic sounds of bluegrass."
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting black shit down here
while he was propping up the white shit.
You know?
"The down-and-dirty,
daddy-not-sticking-around,
drug-infested neighborhood blues,
with the Jesus-as-white-as-me,
hair-the-color-of-the-sun, angelic,
bluegrass-playing music," right?
So, at this point, my wife has, like,
fucking steam coming out of her ears,
so I make a judgment call.
I just fucking shut it off. Right?
And she looks at me. She's like,
"Why did you shut that off?
Why did you shut it off?"
I was like, "Because you're about
three minutes away from yelling at me
like I produced this music.
[laughter]
All right? Let's just forget it.
We'll watch something else."
She's like, "No, why can't we
just watch the rest of this
and then discuss it afterwards?"
It's like,
"I don't want to fucking do that.
I just wanna watch a documentary!
I don't want to have a fucking lecture...
because of these fucking assholes.
I didn't do anything!
I'm just sitting here watching TV!
Not to mention,
we're just gonna get into an argument."
She's like,
"Why would we get into an argument?"
I'm like, "Ugh. All right, you know what?
Because not for nothing,
there was some black people in there
saying some shit that I didn't agree with.
I'm not huffing and puffing."
Yeah... I said that.
[laughter]
Like a fucking idiot!
And she just looks at me. She's like,
"Like what black people?
Like what black people that said what?"
And at that point,
it's like you started the luge, right?
You can't get off the fucking sled.
Now you gotta have the argument.
Like, "Oh, fuck, here we go,
guess we're having this."
And I'm like, "All right.
All right,
the black guy brought up leg shaking,
saying, 'Elvis took leg shaking from us.'
It's like, really? Leg shaking?
Nobody thought to fucking do this?
Black people came up with that?
You're telling me that?
I'll even give you that!
Let's say you came up with that,
but where did that black dude
learn how to do it?
Didn't he watch
some older black guy do it?
But what? 'Cause he's the same color,
he's not stealing.
He's just carrying on the tradition.
But if Elvis does it, 'Oh, what the fuck?'
Now he's the biggest thief ever?
That doesn't make any sense to me."
She goes, "No, you idiot,
it's not about the leg shaking, okay?
He appropriated a culture.
He took all the music,
he got all the money, got all the fame,
he's called the King of it now,
and he never gave a shit,
not even a shout-out."
And I was like, "All right.
[laughter]
Fair enough.
Made about seven or eight
good points there that I can't refute.
[laughter]
He appropriated a culture.
I get it. You're right."
She goes, "Fine, thank you."
And I go, "However...
[laughter]
Not for nothing, do I get mad at you
when you get on a skateboard
and you start going down
the fucking street?
Do I get all offended, like,
'Hey, man, that's some white shit!
Stop appropriating my culture, man.
Some dirty white kid in Santa Monica
came up with that, man.'"
So she starts laughing,
and I should've stopped there,
but I'm a comedian, right?
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting a laugh.
There's gotta be a bigger laugh,
so keep going, Bill.
Let's come with another example."
So I'm like, "Yeah, do I get mad at you
when you fly from LA to New York
in under six hours?"
And she just, yeah... [chuckles] Yeah.
And she just stares at me.
She's just like, "That was fucked up."
[laughter]
I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, I know.
It sounded good in my fucking head
and then it came out. I just...
I was just going for the laugh."
And then she wouldn't let up.
She's like, "Why is it fucked up?
Why is it fucked up?"
So now I'm back in the classroom,
and I'm like, "Because...
if, historically speaking,
black people enjoyed the same amount
of freedom and privilege,
they would have had the money and the time
to figure out how to fly, too."
And she goes, "That's right."
And I go, "However...
[laughter]
...your music would've suffered."
[laughter and applause]
Yeah!
"You can't have my level
of freedom and privilege
walking around with that cul-de-sac,
'It really is gonna be okay!'
and come up with that painful,
beautiful music. You can't do that.
Next thing you know,
you're clapping on the fucking downbeat,
you're playing a washboard, right?
James Brown is line dancing.
All goes out the window,
so you gotta make a choice!
Either you learn how to fly
and your music sucks..."
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Oh, I just noticed this thing came off.
We can't have this.
There's gotta be continuity
between the fucking shows here.
Oh, Jesus Christ!
This thing never comes off.
It's right when you tape
a fucking special,
then everything just falls apart.
Royal Albert Hall, huh?
Where did you buy this mic stand, huh?
Where the fuck did you get this?
[cheering and applause]
You know the mic stand guy's
all fucking pissed off.
"Right, that's a jolly good
fucking mic stand. Fucking Yank!
Fucking Yank...
Everything fucking falls off on him.
[laughter]
How dare you! The Queen comes down here
and sits in a box
and watches the show!"
You know what I heard about you guys?
[laughter]
Actually, by the way,
I've been over here for a week,
and as an American,
I gotta say something.
You guys are pretty fat, too.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
[cheering and applause]
Yeah.
Specifically the men.
I don't know what's going on with the men,
but I don't give a fuck how fat you get,
you're gonna pour yourself
into your skinny jeans.
They still got them. It's like you're
squeezing all the fat to the top
like toothpaste.
"Right, still wearing me same jeans
from primary school!"
[laughter]
[chuckles]
Um...
I don't know, but anyways...
You know what I'm afraid of?
Robots.
Yeah. I saw one get interviewed
on 60 Minutes.
The top journalistic program
in the United States.
And he's just sitting there
getting interviewed, not nervous at all,
just rattling off
all the fucking answers. You know?
Not smoking, not fucking,
you know, leaking oil,
whatever you would do
as a nervous robot, right?
And the reporter's asking him questions,
and in the end, he goes,
"So, tell us..." He's like, uh...
He's like, "What are your goals?"
And I am alone in a hotel room,
and I literally lean towards the TV.
I'm like,
"Do these fucking things have goals?"
[laughter]
And the fucking robot just answers.
He just goes... uh...
He goes, "What are your goals?"
And the robot goes,
"To become smarter than human beings."
Yeah! And the reporter just blows by it.
He's like,
"Okay, and what's your favorite color?"
[laughter]
Meanwhile, I'm standing on my bed,
yelling at the TV, like,
"Dude, unplug that fucking thing!
Take the batteries out!
Pull the wire...
Pull the wires out! Do something!
How many sci-fi movies do you have to see
before you realize where this is going?"
So, anyways, every smart person,
every super-smart person in the world
is saying these fucking things
are gonna kill us.
Even your boy here, he recently died.
What was his name?
-He was always sitting down.
-[man] Hawking!
[laughter]
Hawking, Stephen Hawking, yeah!
Too good to fucking stand up
and make his point,
just sitting down, all fucking smarmy.
[chuckles]
"Oh, I care so much,
I poured ice on myself!
Um...
And I showed off my abs
at the same time for the Gram!"
No, I'm just fucking with you. I am
so glad that guy's fucking dead, though.
You know?
[laughter]
Look at you guys. How much longer
did you want him to suffer?
You don't believe in an afterlife?
Maybe he's up there now,
his fucking legs work,
he's getting an angelic blow job.
How much longer did you want him
to fucking sit there
so you could feel better about yourself?
"Well, at least I'm not all fucking
twisted up, saying smart shit," right?
I couldn't fucking stand that guy.
He was so fucking negative!
He never had anything positive to say.
"Hey, Steve,
what have you got for us today?"
"In 2035, there will be no more apples."
"Thank you, Steve! Thanks a lot.
Wasn't thinking about that, now I am.
Hey, so what's the solution?"
"It's too late.
We needed to try 40 years ago."
"Thanks a lot, buddy.
I'm gonna go cry with my child now."
Dude, I could hang out with that guy
for about three minutes
before I took the brake off his chair
and just zoomed him into the other room.
[laughter]
"Hey, Steve, come back here when you got
something dumb and positive to say."
Yeah. Well, listen, I agreed with
all of these super-smart people
thinking that these fucking robots
were gonna kill us. Right?
I agreed with all of that shit until,
a couple of years ago, I was in New York,
and I was looking through a newspaper,
right?
And I have a whole new fucking theory.
But in order for me to tell you my theory,
I have to quickly take you back
to the deep, dark, sordid history
of the blow-up doll.
All right? I know there's
a lot of millennials here, young people.
You probably don't even know
what one of these is, all right?
With your fucking...
I don't know what you guys do,
your virtual reality glasses,
you know, fucking free porn flying by.
You're grabbing titties, whatever.
Whatever it is you do.
Right?
[laughter]
Back in the day, this was the deal.
If you were a person
and you wanted to have sex
with somebody else, but, like,
nobody else wanted to have sex with you...
and, you know, you weren't strong enough
to hold anybody down, I mean...
[laughter]
You had to go... You had to...
That's how it was!
You had to go out,
and you had to get a blow-up doll.
And you had to fucking go out and get it.
You had to fucking go out and get it.
All right? You couldn't just order it
off of an Amazon
and some delivery guy shows up.
He doesn't know what's in the box.
You're standing there like Tom Hanks,
"Hey, how you doing? Great to see you!"
[chuckles]
"I'm gonna fuck that,
and you have no idea what it is!"
[laughter]
No. Dude, you had to go down,
and you had to fucking get this thing.
You had to find a porno store.
You had to work it out
that it was far enough away
from your house
that no one's gonna recognize your car.
You drive down at,
like, 11 in the morning.
Who the fuck
is gonna be there then, right?
You park in the back on, like,
a Tuesday, just sitting there in the car,
psyching yourself up. [exhaling]
"Okay, I'm not hurting anybody.
It's just an urge.
Just get in there, okay?
Hand him the money,
just get in there and get it done!"
You yank your hat down.
You fucking walk in with all your courage.
Then you get in there, there'd be
too many other perverts in there,
and you get all psyched out.
So what you do is
you just grab a bunch of videotapes,
and you walked up to the counter.
And you had to make it look like
it was an impulse buy, right?
And you're walking up,
and everything, all the creepy shit,
was behind the counter, right?
Just fucking heads and feet,
just an ass, body parts.
Serial killer buffet.
"What fucking world am I entering?
Oh, my God, somebody's fucking a neck?
Jesus Christ!" Right?
And you set it down.
Just make it look real subtle.
"Okay, buddy, is that gonna be all?"
"Uh, yeah, no,
maybe that thing down the end
with the surprised look on its face.
Maybe I'd like to take a shot at that.
I don't know."
The guy wraps it up, you finally get it.
You give him the money.
You fucking run out to the car.
You have this whole weird emotion.
You're, like, excited
and you hate yourself.
"Thank God, I finally did it!
What the fuck is wrong with me?"
And just drive off.
You go back to your little
shitty fucking apartment,
and you had to blow it up quietly
so none of your neighbors heard.
Just like...
[blowing]
Then you got excited,
started going a little faster.
And just watching this thing
slowly coming to life, just like...
[laughter]
[applause]
Right? And then you'd wrap
those rubber legs around you.
[screams]
And God forbid you got caught.
Your roommate comes walking in,
"He's fucking a blow-up doll!"
Dude, your life was over!
You had, like, six minutes
to get your mom on the phone.
"Mom, I love you,
and you're never gonna see me again!
Don't believe what people said about me!
I'm so sorry! I'm going to Alaska!
Oh, God, God!" Click.
That was it. You moved to Alaska.
No one ever saw you again.
And that's why, to this day,
if you go to Alaska,
there's, like, eight men
for every two women.
Yeah, 'cause that state is littered
with men who got caught fucking shit
they shouldn't have been fucking.
[laughter]
So, now, fast-forward to about 2016,
I'm in New York City, right?
And I'm looking through the newspaper,
whatever, and I come across an article,
and it's on this robot that, for $10,000,
you buy this thing,
you can have sex with it. Right?
Now, notice, five minutes ago,
I brought up a blow-up doll.
Didn't even have a joke,
just said "blow-up doll"
and you all laughed. Ha ha ha ha.
A blow-up doll.
"Who would do such a stupid thing?"
Right? "That's weird."
Five minutes later, I say,
"A robot that you can have sex with,"
dead silence in here.
[laughter]
As if, collectively,
you were all just like, "Well...
[laughter]
What does it look like?"
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It still looks like a dead body,
but it looks way fucking better...
than that blow-up doll from 30 years ago.
And that's what scares me.
Because everything gets better. Right?
You look at when cars first came out,
the stupid horn... Ah-oo-ga.
You had to crank-start it,
you'd run over your best friend.
Now you can start one up
with a remote control from, like,
50 yards away.
Right?
Remember when airbags first came out?
They just had one for the driver.
[squeals] Ah!
"My family!
[laughter]
[sobs]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Why would you just save me?"
[laughter]
And then, eventually,
they got airbags for everybody.
Well, these robot sex dolls
are gonna be no different.
Okay? They're just gonna keep getting
better and better and better,
and these fucking nerds are not gonna be
making any regular-looking robot dolls,
right?
You know, some girl next door,
you know, just some plain Jane,
the chick your mom likes, being like,
"Well, there's a nice girl
you could settle down with.
She knows how to cook." Fuck that.
They're gonna make
Victoria's Secret supermodels,
just absolute, like,
Paris runway-looking supermodels,
and you're gonna come home
to one of these things
and it's gonna laugh at all your jokes.
[robotic laughing]
It's gonna sit down
and watch the game with you, like,
"It doesn't get any better than this.
Yes, it does!"
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
And it's gonna get up
and make you a fucking,
I don't know, Bundt cake or a meat pie,
whatever the fuck you people eat, right?
[laughter]
There's not gonna be a human woman in here
that's gonna be able
to compete with that...
for longer than 90 minutes,
even on your birthday!
By the third trip to the fridge,
she'll be like,
"Fucking get it yourself!
What am I, your slave? Go fuck yourself!"
And after you've been with
one of these robots, like, sex dolls,
you're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman.
Right, with all her hopes and dreams...
and her needs.
You're gonna be coming home.
She's like, "What is going on with you?
We're not connecting.
We need a date night."
All you'll be thinking is, like,
"How do I shut this fucking thing off?
What, is it on nagging mode?
Why isn't it blowing me right now?
I clearly entered the room.
I entered the room. It's supposed
to drop to its knees and blow me.
I don't understand."
Yeah, like, your ego is gonna be at,
like, a dictator level.
Like, "Me and my man tits have arrived!
Service me! Say that I am your lord!"
Yeah, that's it. You're not gonna be able
to go back to a real woman,
and then nobody's gonna be fucking women,
so they're gonna get lonely,
so they'll have to create a doll
for you guys, right? A giant fucking...
I don't know what you guys are into.
I don't pretend to know.
Like, some giant Brad Pitt-looking
fucking robot doll,
fucking eight-pack abs,
a robot dick down to the floor.
You know?
Holds both your hands
when you tell a story. All right?
[laughter and applause]
Whatever you're into!
Opens a bottle of wine at 12 noon.
"It's got to be five o'clock somewhere."
[robotic laughing]
Yeah. I think they're gonna
fuck us into extinction.
'Cause at that point,
the only people left having sex
with other human beings
are gonna be hipsters and the homeless.
Right? Because hipsters,
they love all the old shit, right?
Cassette tapes, Frisbees,
dressing like a cobbler...
Whatever the fuck it is they're doing,
right?
But even a homeless guy, you know, after,
like, I don't know, a couple of years,
he'll be able to drag some old,
one-legged, fucked-out robot model
out of the trash,
drag it back to its lair.
That thing will still be building him up,
you know,
just laying there, like,
"I don't think you smell that bad."
[robotic laughing]
"This is my favorite bridge."
[robotic laughing]
Yeah.
And we're all gonna fucking die off,
and what's gonna be left
to fight these robots off is gonna be
an entire generation of hipster spawn.
Yeah!
And they're gonna go to war ironically.
[laughter]
Yeah. Dressing... Dressed like...
I don't know,
fucking growing Civil War beards,
dressing like Star Wars action figures,
and they are gonna get
fucking slaughtered!
And right when
they get down to the last 30,
there's gonna be
a liberal robot going like,
"We should save a few for posterity."
Right? And they're just gonna
stick them in a zoo...
and be this little hodgepodge
of what was left.
You know, black, white, Latin, Asian,
gay, straight, trans, whatever.
Whatever the fuck, right?
And they're still gonna be
arguing with each other.
The robots will just be
standing outside, going,
"I love it when they cross their legs."
[laughs robotically]
[laughs]
Yeah. And this is the fucking world
that I brought my daughter into.
Like, I actually...
am legitimately scared about them.
I don't know. I gotta tell you, though,
becoming a dad was the greatest...
is the greatest fucking thing
that ever happened to me.
It really is.
I don't have any jokes about my kid.
-No, it is.
-[cheering and applause]
And you're applauding my wife.
She did all the work.
Yeah.
Yeah, knocking a woman up, that's easy.
You just have fun. You...
Unprotected sex, bam,
you knock them up,
and then they have to deal with it.
You know?
No matter how much they try to drag you
into it, it really is, it's their show.
You know? I always say my wife...
When my wife was pregnant, I'd say,
"My wife, you know, she's pregnant."
Then I have these people like, "Excuse me,
you're supposed to say, 'We're pregnant.'
You're supposed to say, 'We're pregnant.'"
It's like, "Well, I'm not a seahorse,
so I'm not fucking pregnant."
My wife is pregnant.
She's putting on weight,
her feet are swelling up. You know,
she's miserable. Fucking miserable.
I'm still doing pull-ups.
I'm crushing it while being pregnant.
I'm still drinking, smoking, yeah.
[chuckles]
No, the only thing that sucked
was I had to get rid of my dog.
Yeah. Had to find her a new home.
Well, I finally had to admit
that she was fucking crazy.
I got a crazy rescue dog and, uh, yeah,
it was one of these fucking dogs, man.
It tried to kill both of my parents.
It tried to kill my father-in-law.
It bit one of my friends.
I'd have family come over,
friends or whatever,
we'd have to stick it in the back room,
like, lock the door.
For the first hour, it'd just be
throwing itself up against the door.
"I'll fucking kill all you motherfuckers!
I'll kill all you motherfuckers!"
Looking under the door,
"I can see your feet!
I know what you smell like!
I'll follow you home. I'll find you.
I'll fucking kill all of you!"
And we were just in total denial,
like, "No, she's just a little, you know,
a little scared... 'cause she was abused."
And we got, like,
a trainer and all of that shit,
and he finally said,
"Listen, man, this is one of these dogs
nature said no to,
but people said yes to."
So I'm like, "Jesus Christ, you could've
told me that 10,000 fucking dollars ago!"
You know?
So now my wife,
she's five months pregnant,
she's six months, seven,
eight months pregnant.
It's just the fucking...
this thing just hanging over my head,
and finally I said to my wife,
"We gotta do something about this."
I'm not gonna be this guy in the news,
being like, "Well, you know, uh,
the dog loved me and my wife,
so I figured it'd be all right
to let it sleep near the bassinet.
And, well, you can imagine my surprise
the next morning..."
Yeah. I wasn't gonna be that guy
in the news whose dog ate his baby. Right?
I gotta get rid of this thing.
So we called my trainer,
and he goes, "All right, I'll take it."
Okay, thank God they're not gonna
put the dog down or anything like that,
so I'm like, "Thank God."
So he goes, "I'll come back in a week."
And it was very sad
because we both loved this dog, like,
with all our hearts, right?
And what amazed me, though,
was over that week,
the way my wife handled grief versus me.
It was so mature.
She just, like, took it on.
I just went into denial. I was just like,
"Well, I'm not giving it away tomorrow,
so I'm not gonna think about it."
And I just called the dog up on the bed,
started petting her
and lashing out at people
for no fucking reason. Right?
My wife just went into the bathroom
that night. She was brushing her teeth.
I could just hear her quietly crying.
[weeping]
I swear to God, I was on the bed,
and I literally... I got mad at her.
I didn't yell at her.
Just... I had it just internal, you know?
And I was just thinking, like,
"Why is she having the proper emotion
in this fucking moment?
Why isn't she just blocking it out
the fucking way I am?" Right?
"Just don't deal with it
till you fucking give it away,
and then just start yelling at people.
The way I do." Right?
That's what we did. I blocked it out,
and every night, she would cry a bit more.
The whole week... [weeping]
Till the night before, she's like...
[sobs loudly]
Right? And what I didn't realize was
she had cried herself into acceptance.
And meanwhile, my emotions
were still at the starting line.
And there's a knock at the door, and she
goes, "Okay, he's here. Go get the dog."
And I'm like, "Hey, Cleo!"
And she popped her head up,
and I saw her wagging her fucking tail,
and all of a sudden,
eight years of conditional love
all started bubbling up, and I was like,
"Oh, fuck, not now! Not now!"
So I just pushed it down. [grunts]
I just walked at her
like some weird game show host.
"Hey, how are you?
I'm smiling for no reason, all right?
Now we're going for a walk.
I'm just gonna say what we're doing
so I don't think about what I'm feeling."
And I just walked out,
handed the leash to the new owner,
pet her on the head,
didn't even look her in the eye,
'cause I knew I couldn't,
and just turned around
and walked away from something
that I had loved
more than I had loved anything in my life
up to that point.
Don't tell my wife. All right?
[laughter]
Then I come back into the house.
She's just looking at me.
She knows I'm out of my fucking mind.
She's like, "Are you okay?
Everything all right?
Wanna talk about it?
We could go get something to eat?"
I'm like, "No, I'm fine. Sometimes,
you have to be up here and think logical,
and not be in your heart. I'm just gonna
go into the bathroom for a second."
And I went in, and I closed the door,
and for 0.8 seconds,
cried like a little boy,
before I put the lid back on the jar.
Fastened it back
and just added it to the shelf of anger
that sits in every man's chest.
Yeah.
[cheering and applause]
And I couldn't help but wonder
in that moment who that I love in my life
is gonna pay for that in the future.
[laughter]
Like, where am I gonna be?
Family reunion, Bed Bath & Beyond...
"How many fucking towels do we need?
Jesus Christ,
it's a fucking sickness with you!"
"Where is this coming from?
I just don't understand
where this is coming from."
Listen, you guys are so awesome.
Thank you so much for coming out.
I had a great time. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
Seriously, thank you, guys, so much.
It's been the best two days of my life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Good night!
[cheering continues]
[background chatter]