Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022) Movie Script

[rock music]
[announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr.
All right, what's going on?
How are you?
Good evening.
Good evening and welcome.
Welcome to this wonderful evening
of stand-up comedy.
All right, you guys have great energy.
I like that.
I'm liking the energy already.
It's safe to say
I guess the pandemic's over?
It kinda is, right?
I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore,
so basically, it's over, right?
It killed all the weak people, you know?
The strong people are here to survive.
The fatties are gone, the asthmatics,
people with lisps.
None of 'em made it!
But you guys survived.
Yeah, you guys survived.
Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch
of people, but I gotta be honest.
Have you really noticed?
I mean, you drive down the highway,
there's still traffic.
I thought it was gonna be like, "Wow!
Holy shit, a lot of people died.
That's so sad, but fucking awesome,
all at the same time!"
I gotta be honest though,
I saw a lot of you youngsters
didn't wear masks.
I got upset at first,
but then I did the math.
I understand why you didn't wear 'em.
You know what I mean?
You knew you were gonna survive.
You went to college. You bought the dream.
You left with the debt
and there was no jobs.
So you played the only card you had.
Get COVID and breathe on somebody older
with a corner office.
That's what you do, all right?
Power is not given away.
It has to be taken.
And people have to die,
historically speaking.
People have to go.
You know what did amaze me
during all of this?
Was the amount of shit that doctors got
from non-doctors...
slash complete fucking morons.
People who had to go to summer school.
"According to my Internet research,
if you take a little bleach,
vitamin D and aspirin"
And people are like, listening to 'em.
Like, my favorite heckle doctors got
from people was, like,
"Dude, what's the last thing
they even cured?
Fucking polio?"
It's like, "No. HPV."
They just came out with a vaccine for HPV.
No more warts on your dick.
We should be carrying these people
around on our shoulders.
Thank you...
for not having to make me go down
to the doctor.
And be like,
"That's not a birthmark, is it?"
Or even worse, you're too shy to go,
so you try to do self-surgery
with a frozen Bud Light can.
"Stick it on there, freeze it off!"
Bud Light, one of the big sponsors
of this comedy tonight.
They say that, "What was the last
thing they cured?" How about AIDS?
Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody.
You get it from fucking.
It was over.
Now look at it.
Now you can get it,
they give you one pill.
It doesn't even show up on a test!
You can go out and bang somebody,
no condom, they don't even get it!
According to my Internet research!
Don't listen to me, but I think
that's what I overheard in a bar.
"What's the last thing they cured?"
Do you know what fake legs looked like
when I was a kid?
First of all, there was only one color,
it was like Band-Aid color.
And everybody knew you had a fake leg.
You're fucking walking down the street and
everybody... "He's got a fake leg!
What do you think happened?" Motorcycle
accident, fell down a flight of stairs,
got impatient with a woodchipper.
Everybody knew you had a fake leg.
Now, if you have fake legs,
you're not allowed
to compete with people with real legs
in the Olympics, because not
having legs is now more of an advantage
than having real legs.
Doctors make better legs than God.
All right, your calves, and your feet
flopping around, are no match for a couple
of sickles.
These people just skiing down
the fucking street.
You get 'em by some train tracks
that go downhill,
you're never gonna see 'em again!
I enjoyed people being their own doctors.
I loved it.
Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves.
There's too many of us, it's fantastic.
All right, this is a weird thing to say
in LA, but I'm really into guns.
I do. I love guns.
I don't own a gun, I didn't grow up
with them, so, I know that I'm an idiot,
so I'll probably kill myself, but I don't
have a problem with guns, you know?
Liberals gotta quit trying to take away
conservative people's guns,
they just gotta stop doing that shit.
Because when you try
to take away their guns,
then you get them in a corner where
they gotta start defending everybody
with a gun. You know?
Like that fucking idiot,
Rittenhouse, right?
That moron.
And they're gonna sit there like,
"No, he's a bright guy.
He was a good guy with a gun."
My favorite thing about that
was why did he go up there?
It's like, "Well, he loved his town.
He loved it."
It's like, "Oh, yeah, when it snows out,
does he show up with a shovel?"
"Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty.
Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk.
My goodness."
I'll tell ya, that guy went
there to feel threatened.
And he felt threatened
and he fucking killed two people.
Turns out the two people he killed
were a convicted child molester,
and a skateboarder.
Two of the most annoying people
in society.
So as dumb as this kid is,
he somehow went two for two.
It's like when they bring some fat guy out
of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game,
"You hit this half-court shot, fatty,
you could win a Dodge-- fucking Durango."
"All right."
[blows air]
"Nothing but net! Holy shit!"
Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice,
"I got the other side!
Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!"
People try to say
his mother drove him to the riot.
I don't believe that, I think that's some
liberal horseshit they made up.
I just can't imagine that conversation
going down like that.
Like, she's sitting at home,
hears him upstairs and is like, "Honey!
Honey, what are you doing?
You going out tonight?
What are you doing?"
"Going to a riot."
"Do you want a ride?"
"All right, but you gotta drop me off
like two blocks away,
so my other racist friends
don't see my mommy drove me."
"All right,
are you gonna wear a jacket?"
"Don't yell at me the way your father did!
And bring your AR-15.
I'll see you in the car."
I don't know about that dude.
Only thing I can say about that dude
is I hope he never does a 23andMe.
Okay, because with those big pouty lips
I don't think he's gonna like the results.
Then he's gonna have to go down
to the hideout, knocking on the door,
"Come on, man, I'm like 91% you."
"Und the Fhrer only accepts
100% percent Caucasian!"
All right, give yourselves
a round of applause, everybody!
We're gonna keep this show going.
We've got nothing,
nothing but killers on this show.
You guys are an awesome crowd,
and I can't think
of a better way to start this show.
This is one of my favorite joke writers
out there.
She's written for all
the late-night shows,
even performed for a president,
and she's here tonight for you.
Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf!
Come on, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
Give it up for Bill!
[cheers and applause]
You know, we're both redheads, I don't
know if this is a show or a fetish.
I, um, I want women to get ahead.
[light whooping]
Yeah, we only needed four.
I want women to get ahead, but I just
don't know if it's gonna happen.
Because, uh, we're not good at it.
Like, we have the first female
vice president,
and everyone got really excited.
They were like,
"Now little girls everywhere,
little girls everywhere
will know it's possible."
Yeah, little girls everywhere else
already knew it was possible.
America's like the last place
to have a female leader.
She's not even really... the leader.
We're like, the last place to have
a female leader.
Kosovo's been a country for 13 years,
they've already had two female leaders.
Germany had Angela Merkel
for I don't know how long,
long enough for me
to know it's "An-guh-lah."
Myanmar's one of the least
developed countries in Asia.
It's had a female leader who's been
overthrown by the military twice!
And each time, that little Asian lady
claws her way back up to the top.
She is definitely not a white woman.
She would've just stayed down
and been like, "This is not fair."
"Little girls everywhere"
Some people make the argument,
they're like, "Well, some people
just need to see it happen
to know it's possible."
All right, well then, you're not a leader.
That's like the exact opposite definition
of a leader.
Like, "Guys, I'm gonna show you the way,
if you could just--
if I could follow you maybe."
And use that anywhere else,
you're in school.
You're in school,
you're looking at someone's paper,
and they're like--
the teacher comes up to you
and she's like, "What are you doing?"
And you're like,
"I just need to know it was possible."
"Little girls."
And they only do this
when good things happen to women.
They don't do this
when bad things happen to women
or when women achieve bad things.
You know, like when Two Girls, One Cup
came out, no one was like...
"Now little girls everywhere"
I make fun of white women a lot.
But only because it's fun and easy.
You know?
And white women,
we blame a lot of stuff on white men.
We blame a lot of stuff on white men,
which I think is a little bit crazy
because we did make you.
It's just made me very sure of one thing.
White women should never be allowed
to make robots.
Before you get all, like huffy,
I'm not saying you can't make robots,
although I doubt it a little bit.
I'm not--
I'm just saying you
should never be allowed to make robots,
because if robots get out of hand
and start taking over everything
and being real evil,
white women will be like,
"Well, I don't know, I just love 'em."
"I mean, not my robot."
Not all white women are bad.
Some white women really do try
to put in the work.
They try to do good things.
You know, like, uh, two summers ago,
we realized that Black lives matter.
Then we fixed it. We did.
Waiting till two summers ago
to realize Black lives matter
is like needing to see that documentary
to know SeaWorld is bad.
Like, "Did you know whales
shouldn't live in a sink?"
But white women, they really put
in the work, you know?
We protested.
We made signs. We really tried.
But then something terrible happened
to a lot of white women.
Something terrible happened to us.
Some of us realized that we've actually
been racist this whole time.
We were shocked!
We were so shocked,
we pulled our purse closer.
But after that, we were like,
"Well, from now on,
we're gonna learn, we're gonna listen,
we're gonna hear, we're gonna open
a small Black business.
But most importantly, from now on,
we're gonna do better.
We wanna do better."
And all jokes aside, I think that's the
only way forward for us as a society.
You can't change the past.
All you can do is better moving forward.
And I think that's what
we should try to do.
[cheers and applause]
that's almost exactly
the same thing men said about #MeToo,
and we found that answer
completely unacceptable.
Men were like,
"Us? The whole time?"
"Well, from now on,
we're gonna learn,
we're gonna listen,
we're gonna hear,
we're gonna open a small Black business.
But most importantly, from now on,
we're gonna do better.
We wanna do better."
And we were like,
"No! Not good enough!
You all have to die!
It doesn't matter what you did,
you could've raped somebody
or accidentally whispered into a boob.
It's all the same!
And you have to die!"
#MeToo was
the worst-run movement I've ever seen.
We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart.
We crashed it immediately.
It should've been a conversation.
We needed to have a conversation about
these things, and you weren't even allowed
to ask questions.
And I know men had questions,
because I had questions.
Like I'd hear some women say something
that was a #MeToo, and I'd be like,
"Hey, the thing that you just said is a
#MeToo, is actually a thing that I like."
So how do we tell men about that?
Some women would be like, "Men shouldn't
use their power to have sex."
And then other women would be like,
"I like it when men use their power
to have sex."
And then men were like,
"Can you tell us which one you are?
And we were like,
"No! But for different reasons."
Some women would be like,
"This man, he hit on me at work.
It made me uncomfortable.
That's harassment."
It's like, "Okay, so do you
want no one to hit on you at work?"
"No, I only want the men
who I want to hit on me
to hit on me at work."
"Okay, do you wanna
make, like, a list of who they are?"
"No, I'm mysterious."
"Well then, buckle up,
Nancy Drew,
you've got some uncomfortable
times headed your way."
White women, we do this all the time,
we say, "You made me uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable."
Like we're supposed to be comfortable.
I've never been comfortable once
in my entire life.
When I'm about to fall asleep,
at my most relaxed,
when I'm about to fall asleep, my body
jerks awake, like, "Never rest, bitch!"
We say everything makes us uncomfortable--
men, women--
We say women make us uncomfortable.
That's the one I hate the most.
We say women of color, all the time,
we tell them they make us uncomfortable.
Like, a couple of years ago,
at the Super Bowl,
we say J. Lo and Shakira
made us uncomfortable.
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,
we said Beyonc made us uncomfortable.
A couple years before that
at the Super Bowl,
we said Janet Jackson
made us uncomfortable.
I think a lot of white women only see
women of color at the Super Bowl.
They're like,
"This show is different than Friends."
But this one makes me so mad,
because this one,
women, we say it's family values.
We say, "How dare those women move their
hips like that in front of my children
and my husband. It's immoral."
I don't think that's the word you meant.
I think you meant "jealous."
"How dare you show my husband
how hips can move like mine can't."
You ever seen a white woman try to twerk?
You ever seen it?
It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk
as a real boy for the first time.
Just like...
"Am I doing it?"
Thank you, guys, very much.
I'm Michelle Wolf, have a good night.
[cheers and applause]
[Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody!
Michelle Wolf, come on!
Killing it, killing it.
All right, you guys hanging in there,
you're having a good time, right?
Just keeps getting better.
All right, this next guy comes all the way
from London, England,
one of the biggest comics out there,
he has a great special out called
His Dark Material on Netflix,
please welcome the one and only
Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you very much.
Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Jimmy Carr.
It's great to be with you here
this evening.
I'll tell you why it's great to be here.
We're drinking, my friends,
in the Last Chance Saloon.
What I'm saying onstage tonight
is barely acceptable now.
In ten years' time,
fucking forget about it.
You're gonna be able to tell your
grandchildren about seeing this show.
You'll say,
"I saw a man, and he stood on stage,
and he made light of serious situations.
We used to call them jokes.
And people would laugh."
And your grandchildren
will ask, they'll say,
"Non-binary elder."
"Non-binary elder,
what's a joke?"
And you'll say, "You are."
I say you can joke about anything,
but not with anyone.
I think with you good people this evening,
I should be fine, right?
[audience cheers]
Well, let's see, shall we?
We'll put that to the test.
Having sex is like riding a bike
my uncle taught me when I was a kid.
People say the best things
in life are free,
but those people have clearly
never had sex.
I like it when the girl puts the condom
on for you,
but I was asked to leave the pharmacy.
My girlfriend doesn't think that her
sister is trustworthy, but believe me,
that girl can keep a secret.
Is anyone here
in a controlling relationship?
Raise your partner's hand.
I want One Direction to do a BTS covers
medley at my funeral, because that way,
I'll be glad I'm dead.
Now, you might think this is silly,
but I assure you it's absolutely true.
When Zane left One Direction,
for me, it was like 9/11.
Yeah, I didn't care about that either.
Well, there's a real generational
divide there, I can see
Some people are looking at me like,
"9/11, steady on."
And other people
are looking at me like,
"One Direction,
don't take their name in vain!"
I was actually supposed to be on one
of the planes on 9/11.
But the more interesting story
is how I met Osama.
When you're young, pedophiles are
something to laugh at, the local creep.
But then you grow up, have your own kids,
with their own unique personalities
and quirks and difficulties,
and it suddenly hits you.
"What the fuck do these pedos
see in these little shits?"
I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson
would you like to see it?
[audience cheers]
Okay, I just need a young volunteer who
can keep a secret, come on up.
What are you getting up for?
Wait a second, this is a teachable moment.
If a grown man beckons you forth,
as he undoes his flies,
this is some stranger danger, son.
What's your name?
-[Carr] Mikey.
Let's hear it for Mikey, everyone.
That-- because, you know why?
That is commitment to a night out
at a comedy show.
That is a young man
that's thought to himself,
"Oh, it's the bit in the show
where I suck his cock. Great!"
Everyone loved Michael Jackson
in the '80s, right?
He was the coolest guy in the world.
Coolest guy in the world, bar none.
And really, the high point of that cool
was the moonwalk at the Grammys.
Remember that? People lost their minds
at how cool it was,
when really, the moonwalk was no more
than-- it was that.
I know I'm not nailing this,
but that was the gist of it, right?
That was the coolest shit
we'd ever fucking seen!
Of course, we didn't realize at the time,
it had been developed
for sneaking in and out
of children's bedrooms. We had no idea.
It's so obvious now.
Now, I've never fucked a kid.
I nearly did just then, didn't I?
But I've never fucked a kid.
But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know
how I'd leave the room.
Do you remember the incident in the '90s
with Michael Jackson?
Where he was on tour in Germany?
He had the whole top floor of a hotel?
And he had the baby, and he held the baby
over the balcony, and he shook the baby.
You can't get cum off a baby like that.
[cheers and applause]
Somewhat ironically that has really
separated the men from the boys,
hasn't it?
I've been Jimmy Carr,
thank you very much indeed.
Cheers. Good night. Thank you.
[Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody.
Not bad for a foreigner, huh?
Yeah, he comes from England.
That's ground zero
for white people right there.
Yes, it is.
That's why I got the vaccine, because they
were testing it out in England first.
And I'm like, "That's the whitest fucking
place ever. That shit must work." Right?
If they tried it out initially in Haiti,
I'd be like, "All right.
My people are up
to their old tricks again."
"Are they putting it in blankets?"
"Oh!" It happened.
You're groaning history,
you fucking pussies.
All right, let's keep this show
moving along.
This next comedian, I actually just
saw a clip of her on Instagram
a couple months ago
and instantly became a huge fan.
She's absolutely hilarious.
I love her to death.
Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody.
Come on, Steph Tolev.
[cheers and applause]
-[Burr] Welcome back.
-[Tolev shouts]
How the hell are we?
This is nice, 'scuse me,
gotta air out the puss, huh?
Gotta let the big ol' gal breathe a bit,
huh, ladies?
Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh?
I'm wearing shorts, what are you, 16?
You're like, "Whoopsies,
excuse me, how are we?"
I'm kidding, I check IDs.
How are we? This is fun.
How do we like the mullet?
[audience cheers]
Okay, now that's a reaction!
Did any straight men clap?
Not enough of you, not enough!
Damn it all to hell.
I am straight, and this haircut is not
fucking helping me.
Neither is anything I'm doing right now.
Does this help, if I take a knee?
Is this what men like?
When a gal gets down like this?
I'm straight, I'll prove it right now,
I swear to God.
Little guy, get up here, I'll jerk you off
right now, I swear to God.
Bring your little friend,
I'll do you both at the same time.
Yeah! Fuck!
Like those ropes in the gym...
All right! Here we go! Fuck!
I'll make 'em slap, don't worry.
Oh, it's not gonna feel good, no, no, no.
No, you're not gonna like it at all.
I'll make sure you finish, don't worry.
[laughs evilly]
It'll take a while.
I'm so sorry,
I don't wanna be like this, um...
I've tried women, I have.
You're like, "We know."
I've tried several times.
I keep ending up down there, I'm like,
"This again?
What the heck am I eating out?"
I finish my plate though,
I'm not rude.
I'm not gonna leave it, that's rude,
I lick the whole thing clean.
What am I, a waste? I don't think so.
Oh, I'm not a rude person, I swear to God.
Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree?
It's a fucking piece of shit, dating here?
-[light cheering]
Four people, the rest of you are in love.
Go suck my ass.
Pieces of shit.
I'm a boiled ham
in Los Angeles on Tinder.
Don't-- Relax, I'm a hot piece
in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
So don't worry.
Yeah, get my tits sucked right off
in Michigan, feels good.
I will say though, I did clean up on
Tinder in LA during the pandemic because,
ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad,
didn't ya?
You got real lonely.
And you got real desperate.
And all the pretty blond girls
didn't swipe right, did they?
Guess who did? [laughs]
Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well.
Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens.
Felt good, felt good.
Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top
for once, it really did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
One cried. Paul.
Yeah, he was very upset.
He's like, "Can we please turn lights
off?" I'm like, "We're keeping them on."
I was being disgusting during
the pandemic, just being a gross person.
I was having sex outside.
I'm like, "You can't get COVID
if you're in a field."
You can get chlamydia, though.
You can, you can.
Yeah, but is it chlamydia
if all of the STD clinics are closed?
Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You need a pill for that drip,
big time, big time.
Only person who's had an STD, shut up.
I'll come by and check your underwear
one by one.
You're like, "This is very strange,
please don't."
Are you pigs still 69-ing out there?
[audience cheering]
Disgusting, every last one of you.
I think it should be a federal offense.
You should be arrested on sight
for doing it.
It's for young, hot, thin people.
You get older, you get bigger,
things get slippy, things get sloppy.
I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m.
with two rattails.
It's a lot to unpack.
Take that in for a second.
Two rattails?
One rattail too many.
Two rattails?
Two too many.
10:00 a.m., 69 lady?
No one's ready for that.
On all fours, sun beaming directly
into your asshole.
Oh, you all have pristine anuses
in this room?
I don't think so.
The same mullet on my head,
also over my asshole.
Doesn't matter how many times I shave.
There's a couple stragglers
back there, huh?
Couple loosies peeking out to say,
"Hello! Miss me?"
I'm on all fours, sucking in,
I'm tucking in, everything's hanging out.
Oh, only one other woman
has a fat labia? Yeah, right.
No one has the old dog tongue,
just hanging out the side?
I'm the only one? Relax.
I'm holding onto his ankles,
his feet are so dirty for some reason.
Covered with hair and crumbs, I'm like,
"Where were you before this, man?
"Walking around a play place?
Turn on a sock, what are you doing?"
Looking at his long,
disgusting balls.
I'm like, "I don't think they're supposed
to be stretched out like this, why is it?
It just looks like something
ran it over before you got here.
You need to seek medical attention
immediately after this."
Sniffing the tip
of his disgusting penis.
Every man in this room thinks that women
smell down there.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news,
but, your cock fucking reeks.
Excuse me.
Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh?
Let's see who we got here, guy
in the front row. You've got a stinker.
You've got an old, tiny,
middle of a book stink, huh?
The Old Testament, this guy smells like.
So easy to clean it, simple stuff.
Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink,
dip him in.
Splish splash, just the tip, mwah,
a little smooch to the water.
You don't think every girl in here
has gone to freshen up?
You guys know what freshening up means?
When we go, "Be right back!"
In the bathroom,
sink on, leg up, full blast like...
"Fuck me! Fuck!
He's gonna know!"
Using that watered-down soap,
if there's no suds, that's no longer soap.
That's water in a jar.
Using that crusted towel,
just wipes the water around.
Come out dripping, he's like,
"You ready to go?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I'm horny, let's fucking
do this. You made me so wet."
Men don't like funny women.
You say you do, you say you want it.
No, you don't.
No you don't, you're liars.
Especially in the bedroom.
Not the time, not the place,
don't bring the jokes to the boudoir.
Kept doing this one bit where I take out
a guy's dick and go, "Is this thing on?"
Never got a laugh, not once.
Did it for a year, it was like,
"Read the room."
Kept doing this other bit,
this one I had to stop
because guys were getting
freaked out before we'd finish up.
He'd be like, "Oh, what do I do with
the condom?" I'm like, "I'll take that."
"I'm saving it for later!"
And I would pretend that I had a weird
mini-fridge in my room for some reason,
I'm like, "It's still warm." [growls]
I'm like, "Why am I acting like a gargoyle
the second sex is finished?"
So if anybody wants
to come back to my well tonight,
I got a little bit more room
in the fridge. [growls]
Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev.
[cheers and applause]
Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev.
Come on!
Amazing, amazing.
"Middle of a book stink."
I don't think I'll forget that.
I don't even read,
and I know what that smells like.
The next people coming to the stage,
two of my favorite comedians
actually come out together and do
something called "Bumping Mics."
Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell.
[cheers and applause]
What's up?
Here you go. Boom!
Bump it out!
-How's it going, everybody?
-Bump it out!
That's what I'm talking about!
-Look at it.
This is amazing, Dave.
-Welcome to Hollywood, baby.
-We did it.
Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival,
what do you think?
Dude, I am so excited,
I gotta tell you something.
First of all, I haven't seen this guy
in like, three variants.
And you know,
Jeff, I know, um,
you can't stay all night
because you have to get up early
to work security at a food court.
But, um...
Thanks, Dave.
It's a slamfest, my friend.
I'm gonna be nice to you,
I don't wanna tease you because...
you know, Dave and I,
Dave's had some health issues,
we have the same doctor.
My proctologist is Dave's
ear, nose, and throat doctor.
Jeff, you know what?
Dave's I'm gonna
keep going, motherfucker.
Go ahead, buddy,
hit me with something already.
Dave's not on TikTok,
but he does have seconds to live.
Everyone loves a math joke.
-Can I do some more? Can I-- Hold on!
-Dave how long have you...
-Can I do some...
Dave's not just a good comedian,
he's also a great impressionist.
Every night he does an impression
of Amber Heard when he shits his bed.
Oh, dude, all right, that's it.
Hey, it's time for me to go.
All right?
Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this,
all right?
You're the kind of guy who buys a gerbil,
but keeps the receipt,
just in case it doesn't fit.
All right?
They grow, they grow.
I'm just telling you, buddy.
I don't care, Dave,
I'm feeling invincible.
I just got my 38th vaccine shot.
[Attell] Sweet.
Johnson & Johnson & Johnson
& Johnson & Johnson & Johnson...
[Attell] That's the best.
I've been licking strangers' assholes
at the airport all day, I feel great.
Oh, why not?
Did you get vaccinated?
Well, I'm old, so I got mine in 1919.
You know, it was me, Chaplin, and...
This crowd's so young, they don't even
know what we're talking about here.
I got COVID.
Any other COVID survivors?
[audience cheers]
Anybody else lose their sense of taste?
I went to see the Dave Matthews Band
at the Greek.
-Nice one.
[Attell] Wow.
It was touch and go with Nickelback
for a while, but I'm okay now.
Jeff, you're killing it tonight.
It's good times, Dave.
And look at this crowd, dude, I know how
you love to jump into the crowd.
You are the Roastmaster.
Are you going down?
Go down, buddy.
Get down there.
Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster.
[Ross] Oh, look at this guy.
Fully vaxxed, fully waxed.
All right. Who wants to say hi?
You want to say hi?
-Stand up for a second.
Look, it's Dave Chappelle's
security guard.
I got a question for this guy.
-What's your name, buddy?
My name's Ari.
Ari, what time does Legoland open?
I wanna know...
Who you here with, Ari?
The rest of the yeshiva?
This guy right here,
the whole cast of Squid Game.
-[Attell] Yes!
-Thank you for coming.
I won a lot of money on you, man.
Way to go.
This is like an infomercial for My Pillow.
I love it.
Miss, how ya doing?
Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman?
-What's your name?
Jeff, we only got seven minutes before
they take back the audio. Come on.
Get back up here, dude.
We have to bring it, buddy.
-It's a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd.
-They're awesome.
-I got a big week coming up.
-What are you doing?
I have an audition tomorrow
for Alec Baldwin's new sitcom.
What is it?
Yeah, it's called "30 Glock."
It's a cross between Just Shoot Me!
and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Oh, my God.
-Is nothing sacred?
What about you?
What's going on with you?
Well, you saw that movie about my career,
A Quiet Place?
-And, um...
I don't know what to tell ya,
buddy, um...
We comics, we need each other.
-And we need to laugh more than ever.
-[Attell] We do.
I wanna give a shout-out to my friend,
and Dave's favorite comic of all time,
Gilbert Gottfried
who passed away recently.
One of the greats.
He was a great guy.
I was with him the night
before he passed away,
and then you went to see him.
You might be the last person
that ever saw him alive.
Yes, I'll never forget holding
that pillow over his head.
And-- I was trying
to make him comfortable.
In honor of our friend Gilbert,
can we have a moment of screaming?
[audience screams]
Thank you, I love you guys so much.
-Can we bring Bill out for a second?
-[Attell] Yeah, let's bring Bill out.
Here he comes.
-What's up, gentlemen?
-Captain of the ship.
Hi, Bill.
I don't like standing
in between the two of you guys.
Feel like you're gonna say something,
make me hurt my feelings or something.
Thanks for having us on your shitty show.
It's awesome.
Well, they said we want to get some
of the shittiest comics we could find,
-and I said, "I can get you two for one."
-[Attell] Thank you.
[all laugh]
[Attell] Good hit, Bill.
[Ross] That's good.
Why are you wearing a children's bathrobe?
Nice one, Bill.
I always wondered what
the Blue Man Group would look like
when they weren't wearing the makeup.
And it's--
Oh, guilty as charged.
I like it.
I like it, Dave.
Dave, I gotta tell you,
you're my favorite hoarder.
[laughs] Thank you.
Nice to see you wore your clean jacket
for this TV taping.
Bill, and I can never thank you
enough for letting me live in your car.
I really...
Dave's dressed for Wednesday and Thursday.
Thank you.
You look like that guy they interview on
the news, "This guy was here to see it!"
-"Can you tell us what happened, sir?"
You guys...
-Bill Burr is such a great guy
-Fuck you, Jeff.
-A great comedian.
-Get off the stage.
He is.
He's one of the best.
This guy's so New England,
he's the color of clam chowder.
[all laugh]
[Attell] Nice.
-[Burr] Oh, that one hurt.
-[Attell] You got him.
You got him good.
You look like you just got fished
out of a lake.
Jeff looks like Bill if he made
way better choices.
I'm good with that.
-I look like Bill Burp.
I have the best job because I get to work
with my favorite comedian.
-Aw, thanks.
-Thank you, Dave.
Thank you for coming to LA.
Thank you for having me
on the show.
-Thank you guys for being awesome.
-Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.
Bill Burr.
-"Bumping Mics."
-Thank you, Bill.
Leaving me hanging on the five.
"Bumping Mics."
Jeff Ross, Dave Attell.
Two Jews without money.
You don't see that a lot.
They really looked homeless, didn't they?
This next guy coming to the stage,
he's one of my favorite comics,
I started out with him a long time ago
back in New York,
when we both had hair.
He's one of the best joke writers
I ever met, and a tremendous person.
Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody.
Come on!
[cheers and applause]
What's up, everybody?
How's everybody doing?
[audience cheering]
Shit, I'm the only Black guy on the show,
and I gotta follow two white guys.
Everybody good?
[audience cheering]
All right, that's dope.
All right, Jimmy earlier was talking
about Michael Jackson.
And I spent a lot of the pandemic
watching TV.
If you have seen
the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO
and still listen to his music,
you are a piece of shit.
Straight trash.
Now, I on the other hand,
have not seen the documentary.
So I can listen to his music guilt-free,
you know what I'm saying?
Y'all fucked-up, I found a loophole.
Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah.
I even canceled my HBO subscription.
Just so I don't stumble across that shit
on accident.
I'm sorry, y'all, I was raised
on Michael Jackson,
and I heard he ruined
those kids' childhood.
I ain't gonna watch that shit
and have him ruin mine.
Also watched Handmaid's Tale.
Any Handmaid's Tale fans in the house?
[audience cheering]
All right, we got some.
It's based on a book written in 1984,
and it's a fictional story,
set in a dystopian future,
where a totalitarian government
enslaves America,
and then we have a hero,
her name is June Osborne,
and she rescues her baby,
and then stays behind.
And then she rescues 78 other people,
and then stays behind.
Then she escapes, comes back,
and rescues 25 other people.
And I was talking to the homie,
and I was like, "Wait a minute.
This is the Harriet Tubman story."
It's like the author
moved slavery to the future,
and made white women the heroes.
Which is fucked-up.
'Cause Black people,
we didn't want slavery,
but now you can't steal it from us.
And then charge us money
to watch it on Hulu.
Now we gotta pay for this shit twice?
And now you can't even make
the Harriet Tubman story,
'cause everybody's gonna be like,
"Hey, man, that's Handmaid's Tale.
I can't believe these Black people
are culturally appropriating from us."
I'm glad the pandemic is over.
You know, one thing I do miss
about the pandemic was the no traffic.
Like, no traffic in LA was mwah!
Right? I used to get in my car during the
pandemic, and the homies would be like,
"Where are you going?"
And I'd be like, "Nowhere.
I just wanna see how long
it really takes to get there."
"Two minutes?
Why the fuck did this shit
used to take five days?"
But now traffic is back.
Don't you all feel frustrated in traffic?
Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels
like murdering someone in traffic?
All right, cool.
That makes me comfortable enough to admit
to y'all that regular traffic bugs me
way more than sex trafficking.
You feel me?
'Cause a sex trafficker's never made me
late for work.
They actually gotta be the best drivers
on the road.
'Cause they can't afford to get
into an accident.
Or pulled over.
So whenever you're driving
and some dude is like,
"Go ahead, cut in front of me,
you're good, you're good."
That's a vicious
fucking animal right there.
With two girls tied up in his trunk.
And whenever some dude cuts you off,
gives you the finger,
and then steps out of his truck
to fight you, that's a decent human being.
With nothin' to hide.
Shake his hand.
He's grinding for his family.
I feel really bad for women who are being
sex trafficked,
and they're stuck in traffic.
And I know it sounds cold-blooded,
but I'm a dude.
I don't have to worry
about sex trafficking.
I don't have any daughters, and my sisters
are not in sex trafficking shape.
I know it's fucked-up.
All right, let me just ask one question
before I get outta here.
Why do pregnant couples
have gender reveal parties
when they don't know what gender
their kid is gonna claim?
Why don't they just wait a few birthdays,
and then let the kid tell them?
And then they can have the party.
What if you're wrong?
You're gonna be wrong and burn down
half of California?
Then you have this video of this party
that you threw for your kid
that you can never show your kid.
Then you got to tell everybody
who was at the party,
"Don't ever tell my child
about that fucking party."
And you know
the kid's gonna find the video.
And one day, he's like,
"Hey, y'all, get in here.
What the fuck is this?
That smoke ain't me.
Can't believe you spent all this money
on this party,
and I need that money
for my operation...
so I can be who I really wanna be."
All I'm saying is,
if you're a dad,
and you always wanted a son,
and the smoke is pink, don't give up."
My name is Ian Edwards.
Good night, y'all. Peace.
[cheers and applause]
Ian Edwards!
This next guy coming to the stage is one
of my great friends that I've had in life.
Forget about as a stand-up comedian,
he's an absolutely amazing friend
and stand-up comedian,
I love him to death.
Please welcome the one and only
Joe Bartnick, everybody.
Come on, Joe Bartnick!
[cheers and applause]
What is up, Los Angeles?
[cheers and applause]
I'm in a good mood, I'm feeling good.
I recently lost 80 pounds.
[audience cheers]
I know what you're thinking,
"He still kinda looks like shit."
I know, that's why
I'm wearing a collared shirt,
you got man-titties,
you gotta wear a collar.
Takes 15 right off the top.
That's why golfers wear 'em,
it makes 'em almost look athletic.
Like, I can't wear a wifebeater.
You can't wear a wifebeater,
if you look like a wife beater.
If you have a six pack,
wear a wifebeater.
If you just drank a six pack,
keep your sleeves on.
I know a young girl like yourself,
you want abs.
I get it.
But the older ladies who have lost
all their hopes and dreams,
they dig the dad bod.
Yeah, ladies, this body says "fun."
This body says,
"Everybody's getting appetizers."
Nobody has to split dessert
with this body.
This body's built for comfort.
This body sleeps in on Saturdays.
Nobody has to get up
and ride a bike with this body.
Glad I lost the weight, though,
'cause now I can shop at Marshall's again.
Yeah, 'cause now I can fit
in double-X clothing.
There's nothing left at Marshall's
with triple-X.
It's all green or purple or fuchsia.
I can't wear those colors.
I'm not Black.
Yeah, Black guys look good in anything.
Black guys look good bald.
Imagine me bald.
Black guys look good in dreadlocks.
A white guy has dreadlocks,
you're like, "Fucking asshole."
Black guy has 'em, you're like,
"That guy's cool."
I'm not even really white. I'm Italian.
Yeah. We weren't white until the '40s.
Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio.
You have to be really good at something,
then they'll let you be white.
Like Obama, they let him be white.
Prince, Prince was white.
OJ was white for a while,
then he fucked it up.
Will Smith is the whitest man alive.
He assaulted a Black dude
and they gave him an award.
Tiger Woods is white again!
How awesome is that?
I fucking love Tiger.
He's my man.
Wearing the black pants and the red shirt
on Sunday.
I love Tiger so much I used to listen
to golf on the radio.
People got upset
when he cheated on his wife.
"How could he cheat on her?
She's beautiful, she's gorgeous,
she's an 11."
That's exactly why he cheated on her.
Because she's beautiful and gorgeous.
You know she just laid there in bed
and didn't move.
She didn't have to.
She's beautiful.
But Tiger's got a billion dollars.
He wants someone to lick his ass.
Like only someone who works
in an Applebee's can.
I'm Joe Bartnick!
You guys have been fantastic.
[cheers and applause]
Joe Bartnick, everybody.
This next comedian, oh man,
she is unbelievable.
This is one of the few comics,
there's a handful of 'em out there
that if you're going on after 'em,
you're sitting in the back of the club,
you gotta come up with a game plan,
'cause she fucking destroys.
Absolutely hilarious, please welcome
Jessica Kirson, everybody.
Come on!
Jessica Kirson!
[cheers and applause]
Hey, how ya doin'?
I'm so miserable, ugh.
Although I, you know,
I am a miserable person.
I... basically,
I can barely get out of bed.
This is a lot,
for me to be here right now.
I know some of you look really sad.
I don't care how this goes,
I have to be honest with you.
Um, it doesn't matter anymore.
Basically, during COVID,
I stopped chewing food.
I just started fucking my face with it,
I've never cut my wrists,
but I started cutting my mouth
on the inside with chips.
I became a cutter
on the inside, just... [loud gag]
You know, just fucking my face.
And I was like, "I'm gonna blow up again.
I'm gonna blow up."
'Cause I used to be a house.
If you Google me, Zillow will come up,
I was a fucking house.
So, I was like, "I need to do something."
So I joined Weight Watchers,
where you download the app,
and it counts the points.
The problem is I lie on it.
I lie on my own app,
and I'm the only one that sees it.
Do you know how sick that is?
The other day, I had a pint of ice cream,
and I wrote down "one baby carrot."
Like, that's insane.
'Cause I was a fat kid.
Um, I was really fat.
I actually went to fat camp.
It was amazing, like,
fat camp was the best time of my life.
My parents didn't send me, I wanted to go.
Every summer I was like,
"I want to go to fat camp!"
'Cause that's how fat kids talk,
'cause we slam doughnuts,
and muffins and furniture in our throats,
like, "I want to go to fat camp!"
I'm gonna keep doing it
till all of you laugh.
I'll do it for the next five minutes.
"I wanna go..." I just peed.
Anyway, so, fat camp was fun.
We all went on our own bus.
We used to play a lot of fun games,
like breathing, um
Try-to-hide-and-seek was great,
I would say to my friend Jodi,
"I can see you
behind the barn, you fat fuck.
Find a mountain."
I have four daughters from two baby mamas.
I'm like a fucking rapper,
I call myself "Lil Jew."
I saw an old friend recently,
and she's like, "You have four daughters?
Were they planned?"
I think it's the dumbest question
that anyone's ever asked me
in my entire life,
if my children with women were planned.
I'm like,
"No, I wasn't wearing protection,
they were all a mistake,
and we're pro-life
so we kept them for Jesus.
Let's get even darker with this,
because some of you look uptight,
like I feel like your assholes
are like this right now.
Yeah, this is gonna be fun.
Religious people, some of them say that
gay people try to make their kids gay.
That we, you know, we want them to be gay.
And I hate to admit that, at this show
right now with this taping,
but that is totally true.
That is the only reason I agreed to have
children, was to create four big dykes.
I don't care if my kids are kind,
I don't care if they're loving,
I don't care if they
smell like feces,
I don't care if they're educated,
I just want them to be
fucking truck drivers.
That's all I care about.
So we are doing everything we can
to make that happen.
And by the way, I shouldn't be telling you
this, but we're out to get your kids too.
This goes out to all the straight people
in the audience,
everywhere around the world,
we have secret Facebook groups,
we have a ton of funding,
we have vans, we have candy,
we even have long nets, where we can grab
your children from off the lawn.
Look how dumb some of you are,
you're like
So we have been doing everything we can
to make our children dykes.
We've been taking them
to a lot of softball games.
All four of my daughters have crewcuts,
they have military haircuts.
We've been blasting the Indigo Girls and
Melissa Etheridge into their ears,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
They march everywhere with feminist signs,
and we named all four of them
Hillary Rodham Clinton,
so we're just
Jessica, that joke
would've done a lot better
if you didn't fuck it up, but it's okay.
You're really talented, you really are.
You work so hard, you know,
everything's gonna be okay.
You're almost done,
it's all gonna be okay.
And soon you'll be in your hotel room
and you can secretly eat.
You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos
and told yourself
it was a serving of corn.
You're a liar.
You lie to yourself on a daily basis.
And the guy in the second row
is not your father.
Okay, some of you-- yeah.
It's all gonna be okay, it's all--
I love you so much, you just got that.
Because it was very creative
what I just did,
and it was improv,
but some people won't get it,
'cause they're not aware.
Do you understand?
They have no idea what I just did.
They don't understand that I just
completely turned around
and had a conversation with themselves.
They think I'm mentally ill.
Which I am, I'm heavily medicated and
I haven't felt my vagina in three years.
Okay, what the fuck did I just say?
This is the thing, I have very bad
anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy,
and I was at a store the other day,
and these two girls
were having a conversation,
and I could not believe
what it sounded like,
this is literally what it sounded like:
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, Chelsea,
you're not gonna believe it,
but I was on Instagram
the other day and I posted the most
amazing video, because I went to
Sephora and had my makeup done,
'and it was like unbelievable,
because it looked so good.
Nobody commented, nobody did anything.
I couldn't believe it
because I looked so amazing, like,
everyone's upset about the war,
but the war isn't happening here,
so like, who cares about the war?
I don't care about the war... [gibberish]
I put the same video on TikTok...
The other girl was like, "Oh my God,
you should've called me or texted me,
I'm your best friend, like..."
[normal voice]
So I killed them, I fucking killed them.
I know, I did.
I killed them.
Because I don't think you realize this,
these girls aren't going anywhere.
That's who's gonna be in our country,
they're staying, they're gonna have jobs.
Like, your kids are gonna go to school
and walk into math class...
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, girls,
welcome to math class!
This is gonna be so exciting, it's...
[gibberish] Algebra!
It's gonna be amazing!"
[normal voice] Like, you're gonna
go to a therapist that talks like that.
You're gonna walk in and be like,
"Hi, I'm just really anxious."
"Oh my God! You're anxious?
That's so horrible, well,
I haven't been feeling well at all.
Like, I haven't been able to swallow.
I met the cutest guy the other day,
I swallowed his load, I was like...
I swallowed his load,
and it's been really hard for me too."
[normal voice]
How do you fuck a girl like that?
I don't understand,
I've been fucking women for years.
[high-pitched] "Oh my God, fuck me harder,
that feels so amazing,
fuck me harder..."
"That feels so good, I'm gonna cum.
Oh my God, I'm gonna kill all your
ex-girlfriends, you better call me.
[deep voice] You better call me!"
[high-pitched gibberish]
"Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock..."
"Oh my God, I'm gonna cum,
I'm gonna kill your mother,
[deep voice]
I'm gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!"
[high-pitched gibberish]
"Oh my God, I'm gonna kill someone,
oh my God, I'm cumming!"
You guys are amazing,
I'm Jessica Kirson, thank you so much.
Thank you, I love you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
[Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering
like I told you she would.
All right, we got a band back here,
everybody, say hello to the band.
This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.
[audience cheers]
They do a great show. A lot
of comedians started off playing in bands.
They still have that musical thing they
wanna get involved in,
so they created this band for guys
to come out and sing along to.
The man that created it,
I will be introducing right now,
one of my great friends, absolutely
hilarious comedian from Baltimore.
Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers!
[cheers and applause]
I need each and every one of you guys
to stand up right now.
Everybody in here, stand up.
Stop sitting.
You're all young.
One, two, three, four
I know what you're wondering.
None of you know who the fuck I am
Why is this guy
Such an egomaniac?
Because I don't have an act
So I have to sing
Hey Haw
Everybody go
Hey Haw
Like the '90s
Come on!
Hey Haw
Everybody go
Hey Haw
Just the Black guy
Hey Haw
Fuck, dude.
I mean, it was something.
So we didn't get a song clearance,
so we wrote our own,
but we need help
from all of you guys here.
So you really have to sing this,
all right? It goes like this.
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
Come on!
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck
Your buttcheeks...
Make it loud!
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck your...
Bring it down.
Now whisper it.
Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love
Come on.
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
Even quieter.
-Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love
-Come on.
You're acting like
This isn't being recorded
For Netflix
You're coming at me with straight
Amazon Prime energy
This is fucking Netflix, dude.
Now just breathe it, going like this...
[rhythmic breathing]
[rhythmic breathing continues]
This is how you get COVID
No wonder we're three years
Into pandemic
Make some noise if you had COVID.
I sound like I'm from Philadelphia.
[thick accent] Who's had COVID?
I've had COVID twice
[audience member] Twice!
I had the original strain from Wuhan
And the rereleased box set
That came out a few months ago
Make some noise if you were
in a relationship during COVID.
[audience cheers]
A few of you guys.
I was single the whole time.
And if there was ever a time for the
American people, the people of the world
to be having the most sex possible,
it was during COVID.
Specifically when you have it.
Think about it. You couldn't taste,
and you couldn't smell.
I mean, if there was ever an era
of eating ass.
You'd be like, "You just got back
from a three-hour hike?"
I had no idea.
Fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
Come on!
Titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
Titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
-We're gonna...
-Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh
-We're gonna...
-Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Everybody sing it with me!
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Of love
We're gonna titty-fuck...
End it!
This is your note, dude. Sing it!
We're gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks
Guys, make some noise for the band,
everybody, come on.
[cheers and applause]
All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody!
Josh Adam Meyers.
That was a terrible handshake,
but a great set.
Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.
We're gonna do one more.
We got another great comedian coming out
now who's gonna sing a song with the band.
This is a guy that I saw, I actually
saw him the first time,
I was flying on an airplane.
I saw this video of him, I was like,
"This guy is funny.
This guy has potential." And like,
a week later, he was on The Daily Show.
He's been in movies,
he's put out incredible stand-up specials.
I love this guy, he's hilarious.
Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
Ronnie Chieng.
Thank you, Bill, thank you.
Keep it going for Bill Burr,
keep it going for the band,
keep it going for yourselves.
You guys are the best.
Thanks for hanging with us.
Now listen.
Listen, normally I come out here
and do jokes.
But with the state of the world being what
it is, and the problems that we're facing,
don't share the problems, please.
The problems that we're facing
in today's world.
Johnny Depp's divorce,
Elon Musk buying Twitter,
Netflix's share prices.
I thought I'd do my part to try
to help fix this.
And what better way than to sing a song.
Thank you.
So I'm gonna sing a song tonight,
and not just any song.
I'm going to sing a traditional
Malaysian song...
from my homeland.
It's a song I used to sing
to inspire myself
when I was younger and first starting
to do comedy.
The song is called
"Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry.
Take it away, band.
[Meyers] If you know the words, then we
want you all singing with us, all right?
Do we get some energy for you guys?
Come on!
[audience cheering]
You think I'm pretty
Without any makeup on
You think I'm funny
When I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me
So I let my walls come down
Before you met me
I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my Valentine
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance
Until we die
You and I
Will be young forever
You make me
Feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back 'cause
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby, I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
Get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
I mean, he's just incredible...
You make me
Feel like I'm livin' a teenage dream
The way you turn me on
I can't sleep
Let's run away
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back 'cause
My heart stops
When you look at me
Just one touch
Now, baby, I believe
This is real
So take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look...
I'ma get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
[cheers and applause]
Ronnie Chieng, everybody.
Ronnie Chieng!
Josh Adam Meyers and
the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band!
Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys
so much for coming out tonight.
We had a great time making you laugh.
We'll see you, thank you, thank you.
[Ross] What's the point of the show, Bill?
Are you gonna play
drums tonight, or what's gonna happen?
I'm a big believer in not doing your hobby
on TV.
[all laugh]
Killing it, having a good time.
My name was Lifschultz back then,
they had to use a smaller font.
And how was doing comedy in the fifties?
It was good, it was good.
You're gonna let him get away with that?
Come on, look at that blazer.
I didn't realize you were gonna be
dressed as a ventriloquist dummy's dummy.
If this was an improv group,
what would it be called?
The "No Money Backs," or...?
I'm sorry, I'm trying to Lipton
our way through this.
Don't you have to change the battery
by now?
Honestly, this is really going on.
[all laugh]