Bill Hicks: Relentless (1992) Movie Script
1
Aaaah, it's great to behere, it really is.
I love my job and I love being
here, performing for you.
And I love my job, it's the greatest job
in the world for one very simple reason,
and it's not that sharing of
laughter and all that horse-shit.
Aah it's the fact that I don't
have a boss, ha, ha, ha, ha
Picture that if you will.
And then envy me because,
every job I ever had with a boss
man always harassed, you know:
"Hicks! How come you're not working?"
I go: "There's nothing to do"
"Well, you pretend that you're working"
"Why don't you pretend I'm working?
Yeaah, you get paid more
than me, you fantasise.
Pretend I'm mopping,
knock yourself out.
No, pretend they're buying
stuff: We can close up!
I'm the boss now, you're fired.
How's that for a fantasy my friend?
Ah!
You like that? Good"
I don't know...
I've got a bad attitude man.
I don't have a bad attitude,
I've got a great attitude, I've
just got a classic face that
I don't know what's wrong with my
face, but people I don't even know
walk up to me out of the
blue and go: "What's wrong?"
"Nothing?" "Well, it takes more
energy to frown than it does to smile"
"Yeah, you know it takes
more energy to point
that out than it does
to leave me alone?
Yeah, really. So why don't
you get out of my face...
...and watch me fucking really
start smiling, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"I hate you"
So, I'm up here and it's Canada and
I'm thinking, you know, Canada; Cold
aah, aih, aih, aih, huskies, you know
and I'm wearing if you noticed
the BLACK! cotton fucking turtle-neck.
Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently
summertime MEANS THE SAME THING,
EVEN IN THE FRENCH PROVINCES!
"What are you, a fucking idiot,
it's summertime you fucking moron...
D during the wintertime the shapely girls
are wearing parkas, you're locked out!"
Wearing parkas and big
boots and their socks.
I don't like the summertime
cause everyone goes
to the beach, I don't
understand the beach.
The beach, the beach, the beach...
"Let's go to the beach",
"Oh, I love the summertime,
it's so worm finally, let's
go to the beach, oooooh"...
What's the fucking deal
with the beach, I don't get it.
It's where dirt
meats water, alright?
Is that that fucking amazing to you?
I've got a bathtub
and an imagination, I'm
staying indoors this summer.
That way I can listen
to music that I like.
Maybe I'm just jealous man, everyone
at the beach is perfect, you know;
tanned, white teeth, I've
got white skin, tanned teeth
...NOT my environment.
You put me under a neon beer
light, I look pretty cool
You know my problem, I'm so
pale man, I take my shirt
of at the beach, it's
like a fucking prism man.
People are just: "Bill, put your shirt
back on, we can't find our towels!"
All these moths are bumping into me
What did moths bump into
before electric light
bulbs were invented,
that's what I wanna know.
Well the light bulb really
screwed the moth up, didn't it?
First light bulb ever
turned on, billions of moths
"Hey, hey, hey, what's the fucking
deal; it's a light bulb, chill out!"
What did they do before?
There're moths on their way
to the sun right now: "C'mon,
it's goanna be worth it
Fuck it, let's go find Hicks"
"Alright"
OK I just don't fit in man. I don't
fit in anywhere, that's my problem.
You know my problem?
I watch too much news.
I don't know if you ever, ever, ever
sat and watched CNN longer than, say
...20 hours in one day.
I've got to cut that out.
If you ever watch CNN headline
news for any lenght of time
it's the most depressing
fucking thing you will ever do;
"War, famine, death, AIDS,
homeless, recession,
depression, war,
famine death, AIDS"
Then you look out your window it's just:
Where is all this shit happening man?
Ted Turner is making this shit up!
Jane Fonda won't sleep with
him, he runs to a typewriter:
"By 1992 we will all die of AIDS
Read that on the air.
I don't get laid, nobody gets laid"
I mean I'm writing to Jane
Fonda: "Will you fuck
this guy so we can get
some good news please?"
I wanna see a well laid
Ted Turner newscast:
"Hey, it's all gonna work
out - here's sports"
Some big stupid grin:
"Woo, woo, ho, ha, ha,
fuck, I'm getting laid
right now, fucking hey!"
So, I'm from the states,
as you can tell by my
complete lack of sophistication,
but that's ok...
...because I've greased my hair and I'm
a little FUCKING POET, tonight, alright?
I'm the little dark
poet, that's who I am.
And during ah, we have this
big war thing happening,
I don't know if you caught
any of that, but uh
It was a very stressful time for
me the war, I'll tell you why;
I was in the unenviable position of
being FOR the war BUT against the troops.
...not the most popular stance I've ever
taken on an issue, I must say alright?
I don't choose wisely always
and yet, I'm committed.
So, first of all - this needs to
be said - there never was a war.
"How can you say that Bill?"
Well a war is when
TWO armies are fighting
so you see it right there we can
all agree wasn't exactly a war.
And Bush, president Bush, complete
surprise, he turned into a demon man.
But when he was first
president, they called him 'the
wimp president', I mean this
was the cover of andewsweek';
"WwwwwlMP PRESIDENT"
Apparently this stuck in the guy's crow.
The guy turned into a fucking demon man:
"We surrender" "Not good enough"
"We'll run away"
"Too little, too late
we're having WAY too much fun"
Those guys were in hog heaven
out there, you understand
man? They had a big weapons'
catalogue opened up:
"What's G-12 do Tommy?"
"Well, it says here it destroys
everything but the fillings in their teeth.
Helps us pay for the war effort."
"Well, shit, pull that one up"
"Pull up G-12 please"
"Cool, what's G-13 here?"
Weapons. For all occasions.
And everyone got excited
about the technology
and I guess it was
pretty incredible
watching a missile fly down an
air vent, pretty unbelievable,
but couldn't we feasibly use that same
technology to shoot food to hungry people?
You know what I mean?
Fly over the Ethiopia:
"There's a guy that
needs a banana!"
"Thank you, thank you"
The stealth
banana. Smart fruit!
And I watched the iraquian technology,
man, I've never felt so good about myself,
I look if I've got bell
buttons in my clothes
n' go; - " It ain't
that fucking bad man."
What was the technology they
were buying, where do they, do
they still, there's available
still now, where did they...
they can get harder shit off the
streets of New York right now man.
Don't you think that one of the key
prerequisites of a weapon system is,
I don't know, the ability
to aim the fucking thing?
Is that, am I, is that, I
don't know a lot about
the military, and yeah, I
feel that would be keen.
What was the scud, it was like
launching a station wagon at people man.
Some Buick flying through the air, some
Iraqi driving: "Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Watch out, here come one
of them Buick scuds.
Watch out, watch out,
up!, in the ocean.
Those things are so
hard to steer, ha, ha!"
"Allah... Allah... ah, Allah?"
"Allah"
"Another Buick's gone"
I guess the most amazing thing
about the war is obviously the
disparity of casualties: Iraq -
150 THOUSAND casualties, USA
79! Ha ha ha!!!
Let's go through those numbers again, ah,
they're a little baffling at first glance;
Iraq 150 thousand, USA...
79, 79! 79?
Does that mean that if we
had sent over 80 guys,
we still would have won
that fucking thing, what?
Just one guy in a ticker tape
parade: "How'd you do, hey!"
Once again though, I was
watching the CNN man
and they blew it all
man, all the anxiety.
Remember how it started? They kept
talking about the 'Elite Republican Guard'
in these hushed tones, remember that?
Like they where the boogieman, you know;
"Yeah, we're doing well,
but we have yet to face
the 'Elite Republican Guard'."
Yeah, like these guys are ten
feet tall, desert warriors;
"NEVER LOST A BATTLE!"
"WE SHIT BULLETS!"
Well, after two and a half months
of continuous carpet bombing and not
ONE reaction at all from these fuckers,
...they became simply the
'Republican Guard', not
merely as 'Elite' as we may
have led you to believe.
And after one month of continuous
bombing not one reaction AT ALL,
they went from the 'Elite Republican
Guard' to the 'Republican Guard'
to the 'Republicans made this shit up
about there being guards out there...
we hope you enjoyed your firework show.
People said: "Aha Bill, Iraq had
the fourth largest army in the world"
Yeah, well, maybe, but you know
what, after the first three
largest armies, there's a real
big fucking drop-off, OK?
The Hara Krisnas are the fifth
largest army in the world.
And they've already
got our airports, so
who is the greater threat?
People have bugged me in
the States, people said:
"Hey, the war made us feel
better about ourselves"
"Really?" Who are these people
with such low self-esteem,
...they need a war to feel
better about themselves?
I saw them on the news waving their flags.
Can I recommend that
instead of a war to feel better
about yourselves, perhaps
sit-ups,
maybe a fruit-cup,
six to eight glasses of water a day.
I'm not telling you how to live,
I'm just recommending a perhaps better
way to feel better about yourself.
And we can avoid the
conflagration, ha, ha, ha...
Merely a suggestion.
Take a tip? I'm down south
recently, I'm playing
in a town called Fyffe,
Alabama, alright?
It's right outside Spotnemberg for those
you all who need a point of reference.
Anyway, I'm down there in
Fyffe, they want me to host
their annual rickets telethon.
Alright, whatever.
It's great to be able
to give something back.
Anyway, in this town -
this is absolutely true;
it was in all the papers,
it was on 'CNN'.
Apparently everyone in
this town saw these UFO's.
Everyone in the town saw
the UFO's, Bleachee, the
mayor, they all saw the
fucking UFO's, alright?
And I'm curious, I ask people what
it was like. "Oh, man, it was
incredible, incredible. People came
from miles around to look at them...
A lot of people came armed."
"Excuse me? People are bringing
shotguns to UFO sightings?"
Don't you think there's a point where
we're gonna drop the fucking weapons,
I mean, whoa, the mother ship comes:
"Ah, maybe we don't know everything"
Ouaou! They're like some
intergalactic fucking skeet shoot:
Bringing shotguns to UFO
sightings man, kind
of gives a whole new
meaning to that phrase:
"You ain't from around
here, are you boy?"
"Yeap, they are little green
people, we call them boogers."
So I said to the guy, I go: "Why do you
all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?"
He says: "Well we
don't wanna be abducted"
I'm thinking:
"Yeah, and leave all this? Ha, ha."
"Dude, if I lived in this
town, I'd be on my hands and
knees praying for abduction
every fucking day, alright?
And I wouldn't be picky?
Greyhound.
"Abduct me"
I said: "What do you mean abducted?"
He said: "Wellthey abduct
people and they perform
scientific and medical
experiments on 'em"
I said: "Well, maybe we'll
be lucky and it's some type
of sterility dentistry
program they've got going...
Maybe they'll come down,
castrate you, straighten your
teeth and split. Sort of a
'clean-up-the-universe' pack."
He said: "Huh?"
I'll tell you something too that's
starting to annoy me about UFO's
the fact that they cross
galaxies or universes
to visit us and always
end up in places like
Fyffe fucking Alabama.
Maybe these aren't
super-intelligent beings, you know
what I mean, maybe they're
like hillbilly aliens.
Some intergalactic jode
family or something, you know.
Don't you all wanna land in New
York, or L.A.? "Nah, we just had
a long trip, we gonna kick back
and whittle some, woo, woo, hi!"
Oh my God, they're idiots!
"We're gonna enter our mother ship
in the tractor pool, woo, ha ha!"
Last thing I wanna see
is a flying saucer up
on blocks in front of
some trailer, you know.
Bumper sticker on it:
They'll get my ray gun when
they ply my cold dead 18
finger hand off of it!"
Oh my God, we're being
invaded by rednecks!
Get this! Another true story, this is gonna
frighten you, cause it's absolutely true.
I'm down in that town Fyffe,
after the show I go to
a waffle house - I'm not
proud of it, I'm hungry.
I'm eating I'm alone and I'm reading a book.
Waitress walks over to me...
"Hey, what's you reading for?"
Is that like the weirdest question ever?
I have never, ever been asked that. I
mean not that 'what are you reading?'
oh, OK you know, but
'WHAT ARE YOU READING FOR?'
"Shit, you stumped me...
Why do I read, hm. Oh,
I don't, I don't know...
...guess I read for a lot of
reasons, you know, one of them
is I don't end up being a fucking
waffle waitress, alright?"
Then, this trucker at the next booth
gets up, stands over me and goes;
"Well, looks like we've
got ourselves a reader"
"What the fuck's going on here?
Like I walked into a
Klan rally in a Boy George
outfit or something...
It's a fucking book, I
read, there, I said it."
Waitress goes: "Why read when
you can just flip on the tube?"
"Cause it's not the same. What do you
think I'm reading, 'Hee-haw the book?"
She said: "Huh?"
So, have you ever been in a
waffle house and you noticed
that the uh, menus has pictures
of the food on it? Yeah...
It is frightening to know that
in many parts of our world
right now, people are yelling;
"Revolution, revolution"...
and in other parts they
are yelling: "Evolution!
We want our thumbs!"
It's an insane world and
I'm proud to be part of it.
I do smoke and if this
bothers anybody, I recommend
you looking around in the
world in which we live and
shut your fucking
mouth! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
I doubt it.
How many, ah oh, oh, oh,
quickly, how many non-smokers
are here tonight, non-smokers,
by round of applause,
lets hear it non-smokers
Good.
Cause I have something
I wanna tell you and
I'm glad you all
conglomerated here tonight.
Saved me some breath which
is obviously very short.
I love, I'm gonna tell you non-smokers
something right now that I know for a fact
you don't know and I delight in telling
my brothers things they don't know,
particularly when they're
true, which this is. Ready?
Non-smokers. Ready?
Drum-rollBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Non-smokers die every day. Ha, ha, ha.
Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain
some type of eternal life fantasy,
...because you've chosen not to smoke.
That may be
the first to PHOOF!, pop
that fucking bubble...
and send you hurling back to
reality... you're dead too.
And you know what doctors
say: "Shit, if only you
smoked, we'd have the technology
to help you, ha, ha."
It's you people dying from
nothing, that are screwed.
I've got all sorts of neat shit
waiting for me: oxygen lung,
tents, just like going to
'Sharper Image' when I die.
Yeahpeople say the stupidest
things to you: "Hey,
quit smoking, you'll get
your sense of smell back."
"I live in New York City, I
don't want my sense of smell."
"Is that urine?"
"I think I smell a dead fellow"
Anyone remember this?
This is pretty weird?
Anyone remember when Yul
Brynner died, they came
out with that commercial
after he was dead?
You remember that? "I'm Yul
Brynner and I'm dead now."
"What the fuck's this guy showing?"
"I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead
now, 'cause I smoked cigarettes."
Pretty scary, but they could
had done that with anybody man.
A guy in the States, this guy
Jim Ficks, was a health nut,
runner, jogger, wrote books about
jogging, had a heart-attack
while jogging and died, ha, ha, ha
They should have done that
commercial with that guy;
"I'm Jim Ficks and I'm dead now
and I don't know what the fuck happened!
I jogged everyday, ate nothing
but tofu, I'm dead. Yul Brynner
smoked, drunk and got laid every
night of his life, he's dead
Shit!
Yul Brynner smoking,
drinking, girls are sitting
on his cue ball noggin
every night of his life!"
But I know what you non-smokers
are thinking right now;
"That's real cute Bill,
that's real cute. That's
a cute little smoking
thing you just did.
And we want you to keep
doing in son while you
still have THE BREATH
LEFT IN YOU TO DO IT!"
That is my big fear in life;
doing smoking jokes in
my act you know and then
showing up 5 years from now;
"Good evening everybody.
Remember me?
I was wrong. Smoking is real
fucking bad for you. No joke!"
Yeah I've seen people do
that, you ever seen anyone do
that? Is that the spookiest
fucking thing you've ever seen?
Ever seen that, isn't it unbelievable?
If you're smoking out of a
hole in your fucking neck
I'd think about quitting.
When you're into that point, chew
some gum or something, I'm not,
not telling you how to live, I'm
recommending; use your options.
This shows a commitment I
cannot fucking relate to, man.
I mean, we're beyond image at
that point, I think, you know.
Jesus! What's next for that guy,
you know? "I just can't stop!
It gets worse and worse every year!
I'm telling you man, I
can't quiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
I cannot quit smoking!
They're starting to taste like shit!"
"Dude you have a cigarette in your
BUTT! May I recommend nicorret gum?
"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead
now, cause I smoked cigarettes.
Cigarettes didn't kill me.
A bunch of non-smokers
kicked the shit out
of me one night.
I tried to run, they had more energy than
I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
But now I'm in heaven.
Sniffing Yul Brynner's
noggin: "Snf, OOOOH, PARTY TIME!!!
Snf, OOOOOH!!!"
See, imagine being in heaven
with Yul Brynner, being Yul
Brynner right, Jim Ficks is
there, we're comparing our lives;
"Hey you, remember that one
night we got so fucked up,
we got laid and all those
girls we're fucking 'em"
"Right, that was great, ha, ha, ha, ha
Jim, what about you?"
"Ww, one night I ate too much tofu and then
went jogging" - "Yeah great, hum, anyway"
Man, I just uh, I know
it's nasty but I'm
addicted alright? And
they taste so good too
It's a shame that's secondary
smoke that stinks so bad,
'cause the stuff we're sucking
up is fucking great man;
Stake and potatoes...
lobster...
Yul Brynner's noggin. Aou
I'm a heavy smoker, I go through about two
lighters a day now and uuhis that a lot?
You can't imagine how thrilled
I was - any smoker to be -
to find out that there's a
different warning on each pack.
Mine saying: "Warning; Smoking may
cause fetal injury, or premature birth."
"Fuck it! Found my brand."
Just don't get the ones that
say lung cancer, you know.
Shop around. It is your body.
"Yeah, give me a carton
of low birth-weights."
Supreme Court of the
United States says that
pornography is any act
that has no artistic merit
No one knows what pornography
is, that's the problem.
and causes sexual thought,
that's their definition;
"No artistic merit
causes sexual thoughts"
Well, that sounds like every
commercial on television to me.
You know, when I see those two
twins on that double mint commercial
I'm almost embarrassed
to tell you all this, uh
I'm not thinking of gum, ha, ha, ha
"Double your pleasure"
"Yeah honey, where's the
Wrigglies, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha I feel like
chewing something...
ALL DAY!!!"
Doesn't every commercial
blatantly use sex to
sell a product? I believe
most of them do.
Here is the commercial they'd
like to do, I guarantee you.
We may see this one day
yet, but this is the
ultimate television
commercial they want to do;
Here's the woman's face
Beautiful.
Camera pulls back Naked breasts.
Camera pulls back
she's totally naked, legs apart
two fingers right here.
And it just says: "Drink Coke."
Now, I don't know the connection here,
but coke is on my
shopping list this week.
"S-nickerrrss!!"
"Doctor pepperrrr"
No I don't know the connection,
yes I am buying these products.
My teeth are rotting out of my
head, I'm glued to my television;
"More snickers, more coke!
More snickers, more coke!
I love these products"
But you see, once again,
my voice, the voice
was not heard, my
voice was not heard,
the questions where not
asked that I wanted to see
asked. Once again the
issue just went berserk;
Pornography causes sexual thoughts.
No one asked these four questions;
"Yea - And - So -
What?" Ha, ha, ha.
When did sex become a bad
thing? D, did I miss a meeting?
"Bill, we had a big vote:
fucking is out, you were asleep."
"Can I still vote?"
Playboy: Pornography -
causes sexual thought.
Penthouse: Pornography -
causes sexual thought.
Madonna videos: Pornography
- causes sexual thoughts.
You know what causes sexual thoughts?
I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight,
I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully
once and for all while on this planet,
...because outer space awaits our
presence and we are better and more
unique creatures than this and
uh all eternity is our playground,
so let me go out and clear
this one issue out once and
for all and let's move on to
real issues, can we? Great.
Here's what causes sexual
thought, you ready?
Drum roll,
bprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
having a dick.
Or, if you're a woman having, you know.
But whatever, I'm speaking for me tonight.
And I can speak for every
guy in this room tonight too!
Guys, in the course of our day, ANYTHING
can cause sexual fucking thought:
You could be on a bus, a
trolley, it's rocking kind of
pants are a little tight
"Oh my God, I'm getting a woody!
I'm getting a woody on a bus!"
What are we gonna do,
ban public transportation?
Before playboy, before penthouse,
before pornographic movies or
Madonna videos ever existed, people
still had sexual thoughts, OK?
"How do you know that?"
"We're here
Somebody's been fucking!
You follow your family
tree back and every branch
fucking."
Sure, what caused the way back then?
Well, maybe the wagon
trail ride out west;
I don't know what she has
under that gingham skirt,
but when we stop for water
baby, we're fucking, ha!
I gotta woody on the trail,
I gotta woody on the trail."
You see, they're getting cart the before
the horse on this pornography issue;
Playboy does not create sexual thoughts.
There ARE sexual
thoughts and THEREFORE there
is playboy, don't you see?
I know these sound like
philosophical musings to you, what
came first, the hard on, OR the
Madonna video? - Aah, uuuh
and if a hard on falls in
the forest and no one's around
do you go blind, I don't know.
And what does an atheist scream when
they cum, that's another one too;
" Oh, chemical jinns, chemical jinns!"
What, what would you, if you were
an atheist, what would you yell?;
"Oh fate, fate and
destiny, fate and destiny!"
"Chemical jinns, chemical jinns.
Bing bang!" Ha, ha, ha, ha
I'm getting that close to hell, right now,
hoo, hoo, hoo, it's getting a little warm
You know what though, I
find it ironic that people
who are against things that
cause sexual thoughts,
are generally fundamentalist Christians,
who also believe you should
be fruitful and multiply?
Isn't that weird? Didn't' you
think they'd be for things
that cause sexualt houghts,
you know what I mean?
Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible?
I don't know: 'Mis-Deuteronomy'
'Turn-offs, floods, locust and smokers'
'Turn-ons, myrrh' I don't know
what myrrh is, chicks dig it.
Like if I'm a real babe,
I've got som myrrh, ooh!
I did that joke in Alabama; these
three rednecks met me after the show:
"Hey buddy, come here!!
Hey Mr comedian, come here!"
Yeah, I love that move: "Come here!"
Not a physics major. I
mean that's a safe bet.
"Mr funny man, come here! Hey buddy, we're
Christians, we don't like what you said."
I said: "Then forgive me"
Later, when I was hanging from the tree,
I was hanging next to
these lil' green fellows.
Christians who kill, aahh!, we're about
out of ideas on this planet, aren't we?
Someone likely like George Bush?
Or this guy, Pat
Robertson, this televangelist
in the State...
...these are Christians
for stronger nuclear
armament. Oh, what a
great deal of faith.
Cause I know, if Jesus where here,
he'd probably have an Uzi on him.
Don't you think he
would, Je-, yeah he would;
"THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK, BUHE'S PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU PILOT!"
"I'm back. I didn't tell you
what kind of mood I was
coming back in, DID I
FUCKERS?, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha"
"You all, it's Jesus,
he's back, but he's pissed!
He's yelling something about
the cross, I didn't catch it"
Jesus!
You know, I don't know what
you all believe and I don't
really care, but you have
to admit, beliefs are odd.
A lot of Christians wear
crosses around their necks.
D' you think when Jesus comes back,
he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
It's kind of like going
up to Jackie Onasis with
a little sniper riffle
pinned in, you know:
"How are you Jackie, we're just
thinking of John. We loved him.
We loved him... Yea, he was great."
OK, it's time for some
ah, time for a question.
This question I'm going
to ask you is very crude;
Are there actually women in the world
who do not like to give blowjobs?
You see a lot of guys on dates got
their fingers crossed here tonight;
"Answer him honey, go ahead and answer.
Say how you
feel about this right now...
hey, speak up, that's it."
The reason I ask, alright? I
was with this woman this one time
and she goes down there for like three
seconds and then she starts coming back up.
I'm going: "...
unless you're getting up
to put ice in your mouth"
Anyway, without getting graphic,
...she actually said to me;
"I think you had enough"
Uh?!"
"I think you had enough."
"Really? I thiiiiink
you're gonna know
when I've had enough!"
There's a pretty
definite ending to this.
Not a lot of grey
area. Fairly cut and dry.
But anyway, it blew my mind - and it's
all it blew - so my inquiry from audiences;
Why people - and I'm not
asking women - why people
in general don't do
everything with their lover?
I can't, I can't conceive
that odd standard?
I hear complaints
on both sides...
But why - let's just,
pss, get more specific -
you ladies don't do, won't,
I mean won't, I mean
don't and not all of you,
but why won't you do that
to your guy? I mean, to make
the, I don't know the...
...FOCAL POINT OF YOUR
EXISTENCE WHILE ON THIS PLANET?
You know what I mean; I mean why won't you
want to do that EVERY SECOND YOU'RE AWAKE?
I mean eh, you know, why don'tyou know.
I don't understand
why you justyou know.
Actually, uh, a woman one night
yelled: "Yeah, did you ever try it?"
I Said "Yeah
almost broke my back."
It's one vertebra, I swear
to God, it's that close.
. I think that vertebra
is gonna be the next
thing to go in the next
revolutionary step.
Just a theory and a fervent PRAYER!
And now all the guys are
going: "Honey I have no idea
what he's talking about. I
think he's a devil-child."
That may be true but guys
yyyyyyyyyyou know
what I'm talking about.
I can speak for every guy
here in this room tonight.
Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies,
you would be in this room alone right now,
...watching an empty stage.
Boy, my folks are proud of me!
"Bill, honey, are you still doing
that 'suck your own cock' bit?"
"Yeah mom."
"Good baby, that's such a crowd pleaser.
How clever you to come up with
this 'suck your own cock' bit honey.
So clever it makes your mama
bossum swell with pride, knowing
her son is travelling the world
using his given surname,
...going out in front of
rooms of total strangers
and doing the 'Suck
your own cock' piece."
"Thanks mom."
"No biggy."
So I ask this woman who said
that 'did you ever try it?' "So
let me ask you; why won't you
like to do that to your guy?"
"Because it's disgusting."
Disgusting? Well, that's a little harsh.
And also a double standard
cause you know what?
I've never heard you ladies
say it's disgusting...
when we're down between
your legs? no way;
"Oh, this is so gross...
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, don't put your finger
in my, that's rude!"
I've NEVER heard that.
And again, maybe I can't hear it,
because your thighs are clamped;
"Oh, I hope she's enjoying that.
I'm getting a headache down here!
Yeah, I feel like drinking a coke too."
"Bill honey, are you still doing
that 'eat the pussy' piece?"
"Yeah mom."
"Great...
You know son, many people
at Sunday school asked
me when you're gonna be
performing in the area.
Bill they all are so curious
to see the material you're
doing now and they're aaaaaaaaaaall
sure they wanna see...
the 'suck your own cock' bit, followed
by the 'eat the pussy' sketch!"
"Bill, I only wish your
grandparents were still alive.
If only you hadn't to put them
in that Chuck Norris film, baby.
I wish to God your
grandparents could see their
grandson on stage, using
his given surname...
...performing the 'suck the own cock'
bit, plus the 'pussy eating' sketch."
"Maybe they're hearing
it in heaven mom."
"Son, is there anyway I can ask you to
type up the 'suck your own cock' bit,
so I can pin it to your
grandmother's headstone?"
See I just don't agree with everything I
hear just because I hear it over the TV.
Sometimes I've gotta ask myself
what I feel about things.
That way I can get a close
reading of what's true.
Drugs have done good
things for us, that's my
belief; drugs have done
good things for us.
Hard to believe I'm saying
this, DRUGS have done
good things for us. "What
do you mean Bill?" Well
if you don't believe drugs have done
good things for us, do me a favour then.
Go home tonight, take all your
albums, your tapes and your CD's...
and burn them.
Cause you know what? The
musicians who made that great
music that has enhanced your
lives throughout the years
real fucking high on
drugs, ok? It's true.
The Beatles were so high, they let
Ringo sing a couple of tunes man.
Tell me they weren't partying;
"We all live in a yellow
submarine, a yellow submarine, a y"
We, we what, we all live in a yellow sub
you know haw fucking high they were?
They had to pull Ringo of the ceiling
with a rake to sing that fucking song;
"Tom, get Ringo, he's in
the corner. Pull him down!
Ouaou, look at him scoop, grab him.
Look at him scoop?
Ringo, come down. Yoko's
gone, we can party again."
They were real high,
they wrote great music,
drugs had a positive
effect, they did.
You cannot deny the fucking
music, can't deny it, can't
deny it. Ok, uh look, just look
at it in another way then;
These musicians today who
don't do drugs and in fact
speak out against them - "We
rock against drugs!" -...
...Boy, they suck, ha, ha, ha.!!
Ball-less, soulless, spiritless
little corporate fucking
puppets, suckers of Satan's cock
each and every one of them.
"We rock against drugs, cause
that's what George Bush would want."
"We're rock stars who
sell Pepsi-cola products."
"We're rock stars who
sell Taco-Bell products."
Let me tell you something
right now and you can
print this in stone and
don't you ever forget it;
Any, ANY performer that ever
sells a product on television
is for now and all eternity
removed from the artistic world.
I don't care if you shit
Mona Lisas out of your
ass on cue; you've made
your fucking choice.
"Oh, come on, it's just, it's just a
good product and it's just making a good"
"Shut that big scaly
pecker now. SHUT IT!"
Here's my point and man I
knew I had a point again,
I keep having points
tonight, what's the deal?
It's odd how people think
and people get away
with it, I don't get it.
Last year in the States,
I don't know if you've ever
heard this story? this
was a great one, I love
this one, this kills me.
You know the story about the two kids that
were big fans of this group Judas Priest...
...and they committed suicide?
And the parents
of these two kids sued
the band, Judas Priest?
Ok, first of all,
two kids, big fans of Judas
Priest, commit suicide
Ouaou two less gas station
attendants in the world, you know.
What? I don't mean to sound
cruel here, but I don't
think we lost the cancer
cure here, you know?
Look, there's gonna be
no delays in the shuttle
launch because of
this, you understand?
They weren't an intricate part,
I know, "Bill, you sound
so cruel", fuck them they
were idiots, get it? Ok.
But the point is, they tried to
prove that there are subliminal
messages on these albums,
telling you to kill yourself
Let me ask you a quick
question-which by the way
failed to come up at the
trial which they had-;
"WHAT PERFORMER WANTS HIS
FUCKING AUDIENCE DEAD?"
I don't get the long term gain here.
What are these guys in the band thinking?
"I'm fucking sick
of it, I'm fucking sick of it!
Sick of it, sick of it!!"
"What are you sick of?"
"The whole fucking thing;
Touring, making $40000 a night,
...free drugs, free booze,
stretched limos, penthouse suites,
...groupies blowing me dawn to dusk.
I'm in a rut and I want out."
"And then we have a little show's
coming up" "I know, it sucks...
...unless
Ian, Nijo, come in!
Oh shit Nijo get in. Ian, come down!
I've had an idea, let's
kill the fucking audience.
Nijo, go get a soccer
ball, Ian, come here
we're going to kill them,
and then we can get
back to our day jobs. We
can sell shoes again"
Why would they fucking do that?
Why would the band do that? WHY?
"Because it's not a band Bill, Mr.
Dressed in black, say fuck
every other word out of your
mouth, cynical humanist you
It's the devil!"
"Oh, well that's different."
The devil. That, that still
exists that concept,
really, does that really
exist, you know, the devil?
The devil really exists,
does it really yo? Well
tell me something? what
could oppose God's will?
Nothing, could it, hahahaha, there
goes the light bulb of realization.
NOTHING COULD OPPOSE
GOD'S WILL!! NOT, NOTHING!!
What about my will, nah, nahNO!! OK
Remember a few years ago, remember a
few years ago, as if you played albums
backwards there where satanic
messages, now they're subliminal.
Ain't it nice to know
Satan's keeping up with
all these new, technological
achievements,
...what a little busy beaver he is!
I picture him at a Radio
Shack, every Monday
morning: "What new things
do you have for me today?"
Remember that a few
years ago you played
albums backwards there
was satanic messages.
Let me tell you something, if you ever
sat around playing your albums backwards
you ARE Satan.
Don't look any further. And don't go
ruining my stereo to prove a fucking point.
"Come here, listen, listen."
"Can you hear that?"
"Satan is lord, Satan is lord, yeah,
it's crystal clear, check this out!"
"It's almost like
he's in the room or
something." "Aaaah, you're
Satan, hahaha oooh!"
Satan: Destroyer of
needles, ruiner of stereos!
"I am Satan and I've come to
destroy high fidelity music.
You all listen to A tracks."
"Aaaah, the deceiver!"
'Cause I have news for you -
I live in the states, a very
puritanical place, full of
superstition and ancient,
ANCIENT religions that no longer
serve their function on this planet,
...because they're based
on fear instead of love.
But, ah they say R&R
is the devil's music.
Well, let's say that it
is, I've got news for
you; let's say that R&R
IS the devil's music
and we know it for a fact to be
absolutely, unequivocally true.
Boy, at least it fucking jams
...OK, do you hear that correctly?
If it's a choice between
eternal hell and good tunes,
or eternal heaven and New
Kids On The fucking Block
I'm gonna be surfing on the
lake of fire, rocking out.
High-fiving Satan every time I
pass him on the fucking shore.
'Cause you know, if you play New
Kids On The Block albums backwards...
...they sound better, you know.
"Oh, com' on Bill, they're the New Kids,
don't pick on them, they're so good,
they're so clean cut n' they're
such a good image for the children."
Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality
become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen
to people who fucking ROCKED!
I don't care if they died on
puddles of their own vomit.
I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS
FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!!!
"Mummy, mummy, the man you put me on to
listen to has a blood bubble on his nose"
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!"
The New Kids - "Hah, we're the New
Kids n' we're so good n' clean cut"
You're so clean cut", Sieg Heil, heil, heil!!!
"A good clean country." Heil, heil, heil,
FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCK STARS DEAD!!!
I want them to fucking play
with one hand and put a gun to
their fucking head, going: "I
hope you enjoyed the show"
YES, YES!!! PLAY FROM
YOUR FUCKING HEART!!!
I am available for
children's parties by the way.
Alright, alright, alright,
alright, I'm going
to, hum, hum alright,
quit it Bill, quit it.
You've been a wonderful
audience and I love you, I
loved being here, you've
been excellent, all...
...has been absolutely the best thus
far. All of my point is, all of my point
is that there's a lot of ways to look
at the world. You know what I'm saying?
Why pick the way you learn over
TV - cause it's usually wrong -?
D' you ever see a good drug
story on the news? Never.
News is supposed to be objective,
isn't it supposed to be, theeeeee NEWS!
BUT, every drug story is negative.
Oooh, hold it! I've had some killer fucking
times on drugs. Let's hear the whole story.
. Same LSD story every time,
that we've all heard it;
"Young man on acid thought he could fly,
jumped out of a building. What a tragedy"
What a dick.
If he thought he could fly, why didn't take
off from the ground and check it out first.
You don't see ducks lined up
to catch elevators to fly south.
He's an idiot, he's dead. Good!
I mean, there's one less
moron in the world,
wow, what a fucking
tragedy aren't it?
I guess I don't have one car
linked up in traffic tomorrow.
How about a positive LSD story, that
would be newsworthy, don't you think?
Anybody think that? Just once
to hear a positive LSD story;
"Today a young man on acid...
...realized that all matter is merely
energy condensed to a slow vibration.
That we are all one consciousness
experiencing itself subjectively.
There is no such thing as death,
life is only a dream and we are
the imagination of ourselves
Here's Tom with the weather."
You guys are great, thank
you very much. Goodnight.
Aaaah, it's great to behere, it really is.
I love my job and I love being
here, performing for you.
And I love my job, it's the greatest job
in the world for one very simple reason,
and it's not that sharing of
laughter and all that horse-shit.
Aah it's the fact that I don't
have a boss, ha, ha, ha, ha
Picture that if you will.
And then envy me because,
every job I ever had with a boss
man always harassed, you know:
"Hicks! How come you're not working?"
I go: "There's nothing to do"
"Well, you pretend that you're working"
"Why don't you pretend I'm working?
Yeaah, you get paid more
than me, you fantasise.
Pretend I'm mopping,
knock yourself out.
No, pretend they're buying
stuff: We can close up!
I'm the boss now, you're fired.
How's that for a fantasy my friend?
Ah!
You like that? Good"
I don't know...
I've got a bad attitude man.
I don't have a bad attitude,
I've got a great attitude, I've
just got a classic face that
I don't know what's wrong with my
face, but people I don't even know
walk up to me out of the
blue and go: "What's wrong?"
"Nothing?" "Well, it takes more
energy to frown than it does to smile"
"Yeah, you know it takes
more energy to point
that out than it does
to leave me alone?
Yeah, really. So why don't
you get out of my face...
...and watch me fucking really
start smiling, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"I hate you"
So, I'm up here and it's Canada and
I'm thinking, you know, Canada; Cold
aah, aih, aih, aih, huskies, you know
and I'm wearing if you noticed
the BLACK! cotton fucking turtle-neck.
Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently
summertime MEANS THE SAME THING,
EVEN IN THE FRENCH PROVINCES!
"What are you, a fucking idiot,
it's summertime you fucking moron...
D during the wintertime the shapely girls
are wearing parkas, you're locked out!"
Wearing parkas and big
boots and their socks.
I don't like the summertime
cause everyone goes
to the beach, I don't
understand the beach.
The beach, the beach, the beach...
"Let's go to the beach",
"Oh, I love the summertime,
it's so worm finally, let's
go to the beach, oooooh"...
What's the fucking deal
with the beach, I don't get it.
It's where dirt
meats water, alright?
Is that that fucking amazing to you?
I've got a bathtub
and an imagination, I'm
staying indoors this summer.
That way I can listen
to music that I like.
Maybe I'm just jealous man, everyone
at the beach is perfect, you know;
tanned, white teeth, I've
got white skin, tanned teeth
...NOT my environment.
You put me under a neon beer
light, I look pretty cool
You know my problem, I'm so
pale man, I take my shirt
of at the beach, it's
like a fucking prism man.
People are just: "Bill, put your shirt
back on, we can't find our towels!"
All these moths are bumping into me
What did moths bump into
before electric light
bulbs were invented,
that's what I wanna know.
Well the light bulb really
screwed the moth up, didn't it?
First light bulb ever
turned on, billions of moths
"Hey, hey, hey, what's the fucking
deal; it's a light bulb, chill out!"
What did they do before?
There're moths on their way
to the sun right now: "C'mon,
it's goanna be worth it
Fuck it, let's go find Hicks"
"Alright"
OK I just don't fit in man. I don't
fit in anywhere, that's my problem.
You know my problem?
I watch too much news.
I don't know if you ever, ever, ever
sat and watched CNN longer than, say
...20 hours in one day.
I've got to cut that out.
If you ever watch CNN headline
news for any lenght of time
it's the most depressing
fucking thing you will ever do;
"War, famine, death, AIDS,
homeless, recession,
depression, war,
famine death, AIDS"
Then you look out your window it's just:
Where is all this shit happening man?
Ted Turner is making this shit up!
Jane Fonda won't sleep with
him, he runs to a typewriter:
"By 1992 we will all die of AIDS
Read that on the air.
I don't get laid, nobody gets laid"
I mean I'm writing to Jane
Fonda: "Will you fuck
this guy so we can get
some good news please?"
I wanna see a well laid
Ted Turner newscast:
"Hey, it's all gonna work
out - here's sports"
Some big stupid grin:
"Woo, woo, ho, ha, ha,
fuck, I'm getting laid
right now, fucking hey!"
So, I'm from the states,
as you can tell by my
complete lack of sophistication,
but that's ok...
...because I've greased my hair and I'm
a little FUCKING POET, tonight, alright?
I'm the little dark
poet, that's who I am.
And during ah, we have this
big war thing happening,
I don't know if you caught
any of that, but uh
It was a very stressful time for
me the war, I'll tell you why;
I was in the unenviable position of
being FOR the war BUT against the troops.
...not the most popular stance I've ever
taken on an issue, I must say alright?
I don't choose wisely always
and yet, I'm committed.
So, first of all - this needs to
be said - there never was a war.
"How can you say that Bill?"
Well a war is when
TWO armies are fighting
so you see it right there we can
all agree wasn't exactly a war.
And Bush, president Bush, complete
surprise, he turned into a demon man.
But when he was first
president, they called him 'the
wimp president', I mean this
was the cover of andewsweek';
"WwwwwlMP PRESIDENT"
Apparently this stuck in the guy's crow.
The guy turned into a fucking demon man:
"We surrender" "Not good enough"
"We'll run away"
"Too little, too late
we're having WAY too much fun"
Those guys were in hog heaven
out there, you understand
man? They had a big weapons'
catalogue opened up:
"What's G-12 do Tommy?"
"Well, it says here it destroys
everything but the fillings in their teeth.
Helps us pay for the war effort."
"Well, shit, pull that one up"
"Pull up G-12 please"
"Cool, what's G-13 here?"
Weapons. For all occasions.
And everyone got excited
about the technology
and I guess it was
pretty incredible
watching a missile fly down an
air vent, pretty unbelievable,
but couldn't we feasibly use that same
technology to shoot food to hungry people?
You know what I mean?
Fly over the Ethiopia:
"There's a guy that
needs a banana!"
"Thank you, thank you"
The stealth
banana. Smart fruit!
And I watched the iraquian technology,
man, I've never felt so good about myself,
I look if I've got bell
buttons in my clothes
n' go; - " It ain't
that fucking bad man."
What was the technology they
were buying, where do they, do
they still, there's available
still now, where did they...
they can get harder shit off the
streets of New York right now man.
Don't you think that one of the key
prerequisites of a weapon system is,
I don't know, the ability
to aim the fucking thing?
Is that, am I, is that, I
don't know a lot about
the military, and yeah, I
feel that would be keen.
What was the scud, it was like
launching a station wagon at people man.
Some Buick flying through the air, some
Iraqi driving: "Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Watch out, here come one
of them Buick scuds.
Watch out, watch out,
up!, in the ocean.
Those things are so
hard to steer, ha, ha!"
"Allah... Allah... ah, Allah?"
"Allah"
"Another Buick's gone"
I guess the most amazing thing
about the war is obviously the
disparity of casualties: Iraq -
150 THOUSAND casualties, USA
79! Ha ha ha!!!
Let's go through those numbers again, ah,
they're a little baffling at first glance;
Iraq 150 thousand, USA...
79, 79! 79?
Does that mean that if we
had sent over 80 guys,
we still would have won
that fucking thing, what?
Just one guy in a ticker tape
parade: "How'd you do, hey!"
Once again though, I was
watching the CNN man
and they blew it all
man, all the anxiety.
Remember how it started? They kept
talking about the 'Elite Republican Guard'
in these hushed tones, remember that?
Like they where the boogieman, you know;
"Yeah, we're doing well,
but we have yet to face
the 'Elite Republican Guard'."
Yeah, like these guys are ten
feet tall, desert warriors;
"NEVER LOST A BATTLE!"
"WE SHIT BULLETS!"
Well, after two and a half months
of continuous carpet bombing and not
ONE reaction at all from these fuckers,
...they became simply the
'Republican Guard', not
merely as 'Elite' as we may
have led you to believe.
And after one month of continuous
bombing not one reaction AT ALL,
they went from the 'Elite Republican
Guard' to the 'Republican Guard'
to the 'Republicans made this shit up
about there being guards out there...
we hope you enjoyed your firework show.
People said: "Aha Bill, Iraq had
the fourth largest army in the world"
Yeah, well, maybe, but you know
what, after the first three
largest armies, there's a real
big fucking drop-off, OK?
The Hara Krisnas are the fifth
largest army in the world.
And they've already
got our airports, so
who is the greater threat?
People have bugged me in
the States, people said:
"Hey, the war made us feel
better about ourselves"
"Really?" Who are these people
with such low self-esteem,
...they need a war to feel
better about themselves?
I saw them on the news waving their flags.
Can I recommend that
instead of a war to feel better
about yourselves, perhaps
sit-ups,
maybe a fruit-cup,
six to eight glasses of water a day.
I'm not telling you how to live,
I'm just recommending a perhaps better
way to feel better about yourself.
And we can avoid the
conflagration, ha, ha, ha...
Merely a suggestion.
Take a tip? I'm down south
recently, I'm playing
in a town called Fyffe,
Alabama, alright?
It's right outside Spotnemberg for those
you all who need a point of reference.
Anyway, I'm down there in
Fyffe, they want me to host
their annual rickets telethon.
Alright, whatever.
It's great to be able
to give something back.
Anyway, in this town -
this is absolutely true;
it was in all the papers,
it was on 'CNN'.
Apparently everyone in
this town saw these UFO's.
Everyone in the town saw
the UFO's, Bleachee, the
mayor, they all saw the
fucking UFO's, alright?
And I'm curious, I ask people what
it was like. "Oh, man, it was
incredible, incredible. People came
from miles around to look at them...
A lot of people came armed."
"Excuse me? People are bringing
shotguns to UFO sightings?"
Don't you think there's a point where
we're gonna drop the fucking weapons,
I mean, whoa, the mother ship comes:
"Ah, maybe we don't know everything"
Ouaou! They're like some
intergalactic fucking skeet shoot:
Bringing shotguns to UFO
sightings man, kind
of gives a whole new
meaning to that phrase:
"You ain't from around
here, are you boy?"
"Yeap, they are little green
people, we call them boogers."
So I said to the guy, I go: "Why do you
all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?"
He says: "Well we
don't wanna be abducted"
I'm thinking:
"Yeah, and leave all this? Ha, ha."
"Dude, if I lived in this
town, I'd be on my hands and
knees praying for abduction
every fucking day, alright?
And I wouldn't be picky?
Greyhound.
"Abduct me"
I said: "What do you mean abducted?"
He said: "Wellthey abduct
people and they perform
scientific and medical
experiments on 'em"
I said: "Well, maybe we'll
be lucky and it's some type
of sterility dentistry
program they've got going...
Maybe they'll come down,
castrate you, straighten your
teeth and split. Sort of a
'clean-up-the-universe' pack."
He said: "Huh?"
I'll tell you something too that's
starting to annoy me about UFO's
the fact that they cross
galaxies or universes
to visit us and always
end up in places like
Fyffe fucking Alabama.
Maybe these aren't
super-intelligent beings, you know
what I mean, maybe they're
like hillbilly aliens.
Some intergalactic jode
family or something, you know.
Don't you all wanna land in New
York, or L.A.? "Nah, we just had
a long trip, we gonna kick back
and whittle some, woo, woo, hi!"
Oh my God, they're idiots!
"We're gonna enter our mother ship
in the tractor pool, woo, ha ha!"
Last thing I wanna see
is a flying saucer up
on blocks in front of
some trailer, you know.
Bumper sticker on it:
They'll get my ray gun when
they ply my cold dead 18
finger hand off of it!"
Oh my God, we're being
invaded by rednecks!
Get this! Another true story, this is gonna
frighten you, cause it's absolutely true.
I'm down in that town Fyffe,
after the show I go to
a waffle house - I'm not
proud of it, I'm hungry.
I'm eating I'm alone and I'm reading a book.
Waitress walks over to me...
"Hey, what's you reading for?"
Is that like the weirdest question ever?
I have never, ever been asked that. I
mean not that 'what are you reading?'
oh, OK you know, but
'WHAT ARE YOU READING FOR?'
"Shit, you stumped me...
Why do I read, hm. Oh,
I don't, I don't know...
...guess I read for a lot of
reasons, you know, one of them
is I don't end up being a fucking
waffle waitress, alright?"
Then, this trucker at the next booth
gets up, stands over me and goes;
"Well, looks like we've
got ourselves a reader"
"What the fuck's going on here?
Like I walked into a
Klan rally in a Boy George
outfit or something...
It's a fucking book, I
read, there, I said it."
Waitress goes: "Why read when
you can just flip on the tube?"
"Cause it's not the same. What do you
think I'm reading, 'Hee-haw the book?"
She said: "Huh?"
So, have you ever been in a
waffle house and you noticed
that the uh, menus has pictures
of the food on it? Yeah...
It is frightening to know that
in many parts of our world
right now, people are yelling;
"Revolution, revolution"...
and in other parts they
are yelling: "Evolution!
We want our thumbs!"
It's an insane world and
I'm proud to be part of it.
I do smoke and if this
bothers anybody, I recommend
you looking around in the
world in which we live and
shut your fucking
mouth! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!
I doubt it.
How many, ah oh, oh, oh,
quickly, how many non-smokers
are here tonight, non-smokers,
by round of applause,
lets hear it non-smokers
Good.
Cause I have something
I wanna tell you and
I'm glad you all
conglomerated here tonight.
Saved me some breath which
is obviously very short.
I love, I'm gonna tell you non-smokers
something right now that I know for a fact
you don't know and I delight in telling
my brothers things they don't know,
particularly when they're
true, which this is. Ready?
Non-smokers. Ready?
Drum-rollBrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Non-smokers die every day. Ha, ha, ha.
Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain
some type of eternal life fantasy,
...because you've chosen not to smoke.
That may be
the first to PHOOF!, pop
that fucking bubble...
and send you hurling back to
reality... you're dead too.
And you know what doctors
say: "Shit, if only you
smoked, we'd have the technology
to help you, ha, ha."
It's you people dying from
nothing, that are screwed.
I've got all sorts of neat shit
waiting for me: oxygen lung,
tents, just like going to
'Sharper Image' when I die.
Yeahpeople say the stupidest
things to you: "Hey,
quit smoking, you'll get
your sense of smell back."
"I live in New York City, I
don't want my sense of smell."
"Is that urine?"
"I think I smell a dead fellow"
Anyone remember this?
This is pretty weird?
Anyone remember when Yul
Brynner died, they came
out with that commercial
after he was dead?
You remember that? "I'm Yul
Brynner and I'm dead now."
"What the fuck's this guy showing?"
"I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead
now, 'cause I smoked cigarettes."
Pretty scary, but they could
had done that with anybody man.
A guy in the States, this guy
Jim Ficks, was a health nut,
runner, jogger, wrote books about
jogging, had a heart-attack
while jogging and died, ha, ha, ha
They should have done that
commercial with that guy;
"I'm Jim Ficks and I'm dead now
and I don't know what the fuck happened!
I jogged everyday, ate nothing
but tofu, I'm dead. Yul Brynner
smoked, drunk and got laid every
night of his life, he's dead
Shit!
Yul Brynner smoking,
drinking, girls are sitting
on his cue ball noggin
every night of his life!"
But I know what you non-smokers
are thinking right now;
"That's real cute Bill,
that's real cute. That's
a cute little smoking
thing you just did.
And we want you to keep
doing in son while you
still have THE BREATH
LEFT IN YOU TO DO IT!"
That is my big fear in life;
doing smoking jokes in
my act you know and then
showing up 5 years from now;
"Good evening everybody.
Remember me?
I was wrong. Smoking is real
fucking bad for you. No joke!"
Yeah I've seen people do
that, you ever seen anyone do
that? Is that the spookiest
fucking thing you've ever seen?
Ever seen that, isn't it unbelievable?
If you're smoking out of a
hole in your fucking neck
I'd think about quitting.
When you're into that point, chew
some gum or something, I'm not,
not telling you how to live, I'm
recommending; use your options.
This shows a commitment I
cannot fucking relate to, man.
I mean, we're beyond image at
that point, I think, you know.
Jesus! What's next for that guy,
you know? "I just can't stop!
It gets worse and worse every year!
I'm telling you man, I
can't quiiiiiiiiiiit!!!
I cannot quit smoking!
They're starting to taste like shit!"
"Dude you have a cigarette in your
BUTT! May I recommend nicorret gum?
"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead
now, cause I smoked cigarettes.
Cigarettes didn't kill me.
A bunch of non-smokers
kicked the shit out
of me one night.
I tried to run, they had more energy than
I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing.
But now I'm in heaven.
Sniffing Yul Brynner's
noggin: "Snf, OOOOH, PARTY TIME!!!
Snf, OOOOOH!!!"
See, imagine being in heaven
with Yul Brynner, being Yul
Brynner right, Jim Ficks is
there, we're comparing our lives;
"Hey you, remember that one
night we got so fucked up,
we got laid and all those
girls we're fucking 'em"
"Right, that was great, ha, ha, ha, ha
Jim, what about you?"
"Ww, one night I ate too much tofu and then
went jogging" - "Yeah great, hum, anyway"
Man, I just uh, I know
it's nasty but I'm
addicted alright? And
they taste so good too
It's a shame that's secondary
smoke that stinks so bad,
'cause the stuff we're sucking
up is fucking great man;
Stake and potatoes...
lobster...
Yul Brynner's noggin. Aou
I'm a heavy smoker, I go through about two
lighters a day now and uuhis that a lot?
You can't imagine how thrilled
I was - any smoker to be -
to find out that there's a
different warning on each pack.
Mine saying: "Warning; Smoking may
cause fetal injury, or premature birth."
"Fuck it! Found my brand."
Just don't get the ones that
say lung cancer, you know.
Shop around. It is your body.
"Yeah, give me a carton
of low birth-weights."
Supreme Court of the
United States says that
pornography is any act
that has no artistic merit
No one knows what pornography
is, that's the problem.
and causes sexual thought,
that's their definition;
"No artistic merit
causes sexual thoughts"
Well, that sounds like every
commercial on television to me.
You know, when I see those two
twins on that double mint commercial
I'm almost embarrassed
to tell you all this, uh
I'm not thinking of gum, ha, ha, ha
"Double your pleasure"
"Yeah honey, where's the
Wrigglies, ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha I feel like
chewing something...
ALL DAY!!!"
Doesn't every commercial
blatantly use sex to
sell a product? I believe
most of them do.
Here is the commercial they'd
like to do, I guarantee you.
We may see this one day
yet, but this is the
ultimate television
commercial they want to do;
Here's the woman's face
Beautiful.
Camera pulls back Naked breasts.
Camera pulls back
she's totally naked, legs apart
two fingers right here.
And it just says: "Drink Coke."
Now, I don't know the connection here,
but coke is on my
shopping list this week.
"S-nickerrrss!!"
"Doctor pepperrrr"
No I don't know the connection,
yes I am buying these products.
My teeth are rotting out of my
head, I'm glued to my television;
"More snickers, more coke!
More snickers, more coke!
I love these products"
But you see, once again,
my voice, the voice
was not heard, my
voice was not heard,
the questions where not
asked that I wanted to see
asked. Once again the
issue just went berserk;
Pornography causes sexual thoughts.
No one asked these four questions;
"Yea - And - So -
What?" Ha, ha, ha.
When did sex become a bad
thing? D, did I miss a meeting?
"Bill, we had a big vote:
fucking is out, you were asleep."
"Can I still vote?"
Playboy: Pornography -
causes sexual thought.
Penthouse: Pornography -
causes sexual thought.
Madonna videos: Pornography
- causes sexual thoughts.
You know what causes sexual thoughts?
I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight,
I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully
once and for all while on this planet,
...because outer space awaits our
presence and we are better and more
unique creatures than this and
uh all eternity is our playground,
so let me go out and clear
this one issue out once and
for all and let's move on to
real issues, can we? Great.
Here's what causes sexual
thought, you ready?
Drum roll,
bprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
having a dick.
Or, if you're a woman having, you know.
But whatever, I'm speaking for me tonight.
And I can speak for every
guy in this room tonight too!
Guys, in the course of our day, ANYTHING
can cause sexual fucking thought:
You could be on a bus, a
trolley, it's rocking kind of
pants are a little tight
"Oh my God, I'm getting a woody!
I'm getting a woody on a bus!"
What are we gonna do,
ban public transportation?
Before playboy, before penthouse,
before pornographic movies or
Madonna videos ever existed, people
still had sexual thoughts, OK?
"How do you know that?"
"We're here
Somebody's been fucking!
You follow your family
tree back and every branch
fucking."
Sure, what caused the way back then?
Well, maybe the wagon
trail ride out west;
I don't know what she has
under that gingham skirt,
but when we stop for water
baby, we're fucking, ha!
I gotta woody on the trail,
I gotta woody on the trail."
You see, they're getting cart the before
the horse on this pornography issue;
Playboy does not create sexual thoughts.
There ARE sexual
thoughts and THEREFORE there
is playboy, don't you see?
I know these sound like
philosophical musings to you, what
came first, the hard on, OR the
Madonna video? - Aah, uuuh
and if a hard on falls in
the forest and no one's around
do you go blind, I don't know.
And what does an atheist scream when
they cum, that's another one too;
" Oh, chemical jinns, chemical jinns!"
What, what would you, if you were
an atheist, what would you yell?;
"Oh fate, fate and
destiny, fate and destiny!"
"Chemical jinns, chemical jinns.
Bing bang!" Ha, ha, ha, ha
I'm getting that close to hell, right now,
hoo, hoo, hoo, it's getting a little warm
You know what though, I
find it ironic that people
who are against things that
cause sexual thoughts,
are generally fundamentalist Christians,
who also believe you should
be fruitful and multiply?
Isn't that weird? Didn't' you
think they'd be for things
that cause sexualt houghts,
you know what I mean?
Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible?
I don't know: 'Mis-Deuteronomy'
'Turn-offs, floods, locust and smokers'
'Turn-ons, myrrh' I don't know
what myrrh is, chicks dig it.
Like if I'm a real babe,
I've got som myrrh, ooh!
I did that joke in Alabama; these
three rednecks met me after the show:
"Hey buddy, come here!!
Hey Mr comedian, come here!"
Yeah, I love that move: "Come here!"
Not a physics major. I
mean that's a safe bet.
"Mr funny man, come here! Hey buddy, we're
Christians, we don't like what you said."
I said: "Then forgive me"
Later, when I was hanging from the tree,
I was hanging next to
these lil' green fellows.
Christians who kill, aahh!, we're about
out of ideas on this planet, aren't we?
Someone likely like George Bush?
Or this guy, Pat
Robertson, this televangelist
in the State...
...these are Christians
for stronger nuclear
armament. Oh, what a
great deal of faith.
Cause I know, if Jesus where here,
he'd probably have an Uzi on him.
Don't you think he
would, Je-, yeah he would;
"THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK, BUHE'S PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU PILOT!"
"I'm back. I didn't tell you
what kind of mood I was
coming back in, DID I
FUCKERS?, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha"
"You all, it's Jesus,
he's back, but he's pissed!
He's yelling something about
the cross, I didn't catch it"
Jesus!
You know, I don't know what
you all believe and I don't
really care, but you have
to admit, beliefs are odd.
A lot of Christians wear
crosses around their necks.
D' you think when Jesus comes back,
he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
It's kind of like going
up to Jackie Onasis with
a little sniper riffle
pinned in, you know:
"How are you Jackie, we're just
thinking of John. We loved him.
We loved him... Yea, he was great."
OK, it's time for some
ah, time for a question.
This question I'm going
to ask you is very crude;
Are there actually women in the world
who do not like to give blowjobs?
You see a lot of guys on dates got
their fingers crossed here tonight;
"Answer him honey, go ahead and answer.
Say how you
feel about this right now...
hey, speak up, that's it."
The reason I ask, alright? I
was with this woman this one time
and she goes down there for like three
seconds and then she starts coming back up.
I'm going: "...
unless you're getting up
to put ice in your mouth"
Anyway, without getting graphic,
...she actually said to me;
"I think you had enough"
Uh?!"
"I think you had enough."
"Really? I thiiiiink
you're gonna know
when I've had enough!"
There's a pretty
definite ending to this.
Not a lot of grey
area. Fairly cut and dry.
But anyway, it blew my mind - and it's
all it blew - so my inquiry from audiences;
Why people - and I'm not
asking women - why people
in general don't do
everything with their lover?
I can't, I can't conceive
that odd standard?
I hear complaints
on both sides...
But why - let's just,
pss, get more specific -
you ladies don't do, won't,
I mean won't, I mean
don't and not all of you,
but why won't you do that
to your guy? I mean, to make
the, I don't know the...
...FOCAL POINT OF YOUR
EXISTENCE WHILE ON THIS PLANET?
You know what I mean; I mean why won't you
want to do that EVERY SECOND YOU'RE AWAKE?
I mean eh, you know, why don'tyou know.
I don't understand
why you justyou know.
Actually, uh, a woman one night
yelled: "Yeah, did you ever try it?"
I Said "Yeah
almost broke my back."
It's one vertebra, I swear
to God, it's that close.
. I think that vertebra
is gonna be the next
thing to go in the next
revolutionary step.
Just a theory and a fervent PRAYER!
And now all the guys are
going: "Honey I have no idea
what he's talking about. I
think he's a devil-child."
That may be true but guys
yyyyyyyyyyou know
what I'm talking about.
I can speak for every guy
here in this room tonight.
Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies,
you would be in this room alone right now,
...watching an empty stage.
Boy, my folks are proud of me!
"Bill, honey, are you still doing
that 'suck your own cock' bit?"
"Yeah mom."
"Good baby, that's such a crowd pleaser.
How clever you to come up with
this 'suck your own cock' bit honey.
So clever it makes your mama
bossum swell with pride, knowing
her son is travelling the world
using his given surname,
...going out in front of
rooms of total strangers
and doing the 'Suck
your own cock' piece."
"Thanks mom."
"No biggy."
So I ask this woman who said
that 'did you ever try it?' "So
let me ask you; why won't you
like to do that to your guy?"
"Because it's disgusting."
Disgusting? Well, that's a little harsh.
And also a double standard
cause you know what?
I've never heard you ladies
say it's disgusting...
when we're down between
your legs? no way;
"Oh, this is so gross...
I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, don't put your finger
in my, that's rude!"
I've NEVER heard that.
And again, maybe I can't hear it,
because your thighs are clamped;
"Oh, I hope she's enjoying that.
I'm getting a headache down here!
Yeah, I feel like drinking a coke too."
"Bill honey, are you still doing
that 'eat the pussy' piece?"
"Yeah mom."
"Great...
You know son, many people
at Sunday school asked
me when you're gonna be
performing in the area.
Bill they all are so curious
to see the material you're
doing now and they're aaaaaaaaaaall
sure they wanna see...
the 'suck your own cock' bit, followed
by the 'eat the pussy' sketch!"
"Bill, I only wish your
grandparents were still alive.
If only you hadn't to put them
in that Chuck Norris film, baby.
I wish to God your
grandparents could see their
grandson on stage, using
his given surname...
...performing the 'suck the own cock'
bit, plus the 'pussy eating' sketch."
"Maybe they're hearing
it in heaven mom."
"Son, is there anyway I can ask you to
type up the 'suck your own cock' bit,
so I can pin it to your
grandmother's headstone?"
See I just don't agree with everything I
hear just because I hear it over the TV.
Sometimes I've gotta ask myself
what I feel about things.
That way I can get a close
reading of what's true.
Drugs have done good
things for us, that's my
belief; drugs have done
good things for us.
Hard to believe I'm saying
this, DRUGS have done
good things for us. "What
do you mean Bill?" Well
if you don't believe drugs have done
good things for us, do me a favour then.
Go home tonight, take all your
albums, your tapes and your CD's...
and burn them.
Cause you know what? The
musicians who made that great
music that has enhanced your
lives throughout the years
real fucking high on
drugs, ok? It's true.
The Beatles were so high, they let
Ringo sing a couple of tunes man.
Tell me they weren't partying;
"We all live in a yellow
submarine, a yellow submarine, a y"
We, we what, we all live in a yellow sub
you know haw fucking high they were?
They had to pull Ringo of the ceiling
with a rake to sing that fucking song;
"Tom, get Ringo, he's in
the corner. Pull him down!
Ouaou, look at him scoop, grab him.
Look at him scoop?
Ringo, come down. Yoko's
gone, we can party again."
They were real high,
they wrote great music,
drugs had a positive
effect, they did.
You cannot deny the fucking
music, can't deny it, can't
deny it. Ok, uh look, just look
at it in another way then;
These musicians today who
don't do drugs and in fact
speak out against them - "We
rock against drugs!" -...
...Boy, they suck, ha, ha, ha.!!
Ball-less, soulless, spiritless
little corporate fucking
puppets, suckers of Satan's cock
each and every one of them.
"We rock against drugs, cause
that's what George Bush would want."
"We're rock stars who
sell Pepsi-cola products."
"We're rock stars who
sell Taco-Bell products."
Let me tell you something
right now and you can
print this in stone and
don't you ever forget it;
Any, ANY performer that ever
sells a product on television
is for now and all eternity
removed from the artistic world.
I don't care if you shit
Mona Lisas out of your
ass on cue; you've made
your fucking choice.
"Oh, come on, it's just, it's just a
good product and it's just making a good"
"Shut that big scaly
pecker now. SHUT IT!"
Here's my point and man I
knew I had a point again,
I keep having points
tonight, what's the deal?
It's odd how people think
and people get away
with it, I don't get it.
Last year in the States,
I don't know if you've ever
heard this story? this
was a great one, I love
this one, this kills me.
You know the story about the two kids that
were big fans of this group Judas Priest...
...and they committed suicide?
And the parents
of these two kids sued
the band, Judas Priest?
Ok, first of all,
two kids, big fans of Judas
Priest, commit suicide
Ouaou two less gas station
attendants in the world, you know.
What? I don't mean to sound
cruel here, but I don't
think we lost the cancer
cure here, you know?
Look, there's gonna be
no delays in the shuttle
launch because of
this, you understand?
They weren't an intricate part,
I know, "Bill, you sound
so cruel", fuck them they
were idiots, get it? Ok.
But the point is, they tried to
prove that there are subliminal
messages on these albums,
telling you to kill yourself
Let me ask you a quick
question-which by the way
failed to come up at the
trial which they had-;
"WHAT PERFORMER WANTS HIS
FUCKING AUDIENCE DEAD?"
I don't get the long term gain here.
What are these guys in the band thinking?
"I'm fucking sick
of it, I'm fucking sick of it!
Sick of it, sick of it!!"
"What are you sick of?"
"The whole fucking thing;
Touring, making $40000 a night,
...free drugs, free booze,
stretched limos, penthouse suites,
...groupies blowing me dawn to dusk.
I'm in a rut and I want out."
"And then we have a little show's
coming up" "I know, it sucks...
...unless
Ian, Nijo, come in!
Oh shit Nijo get in. Ian, come down!
I've had an idea, let's
kill the fucking audience.
Nijo, go get a soccer
ball, Ian, come here
we're going to kill them,
and then we can get
back to our day jobs. We
can sell shoes again"
Why would they fucking do that?
Why would the band do that? WHY?
"Because it's not a band Bill, Mr.
Dressed in black, say fuck
every other word out of your
mouth, cynical humanist you
It's the devil!"
"Oh, well that's different."
The devil. That, that still
exists that concept,
really, does that really
exist, you know, the devil?
The devil really exists,
does it really yo? Well
tell me something? what
could oppose God's will?
Nothing, could it, hahahaha, there
goes the light bulb of realization.
NOTHING COULD OPPOSE
GOD'S WILL!! NOT, NOTHING!!
What about my will, nah, nahNO!! OK
Remember a few years ago, remember a
few years ago, as if you played albums
backwards there where satanic
messages, now they're subliminal.
Ain't it nice to know
Satan's keeping up with
all these new, technological
achievements,
...what a little busy beaver he is!
I picture him at a Radio
Shack, every Monday
morning: "What new things
do you have for me today?"
Remember that a few
years ago you played
albums backwards there
was satanic messages.
Let me tell you something, if you ever
sat around playing your albums backwards
you ARE Satan.
Don't look any further. And don't go
ruining my stereo to prove a fucking point.
"Come here, listen, listen."
"Can you hear that?"
"Satan is lord, Satan is lord, yeah,
it's crystal clear, check this out!"
"It's almost like
he's in the room or
something." "Aaaah, you're
Satan, hahaha oooh!"
Satan: Destroyer of
needles, ruiner of stereos!
"I am Satan and I've come to
destroy high fidelity music.
You all listen to A tracks."
"Aaaah, the deceiver!"
'Cause I have news for you -
I live in the states, a very
puritanical place, full of
superstition and ancient,
ANCIENT religions that no longer
serve their function on this planet,
...because they're based
on fear instead of love.
But, ah they say R&R
is the devil's music.
Well, let's say that it
is, I've got news for
you; let's say that R&R
IS the devil's music
and we know it for a fact to be
absolutely, unequivocally true.
Boy, at least it fucking jams
...OK, do you hear that correctly?
If it's a choice between
eternal hell and good tunes,
or eternal heaven and New
Kids On The fucking Block
I'm gonna be surfing on the
lake of fire, rocking out.
High-fiving Satan every time I
pass him on the fucking shore.
'Cause you know, if you play New
Kids On The Block albums backwards...
...they sound better, you know.
"Oh, com' on Bill, they're the New Kids,
don't pick on them, they're so good,
they're so clean cut n' they're
such a good image for the children."
Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality
become a good image for your children?
I want my children to listen
to people who fucking ROCKED!
I don't care if they died on
puddles of their own vomit.
I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS
FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!!!
"Mummy, mummy, the man you put me on to
listen to has a blood bubble on his nose"
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!"
The New Kids - "Hah, we're the New
Kids n' we're so good n' clean cut"
You're so clean cut", Sieg Heil, heil, heil!!!
"A good clean country." Heil, heil, heil,
FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCK STARS DEAD!!!
I want them to fucking play
with one hand and put a gun to
their fucking head, going: "I
hope you enjoyed the show"
YES, YES!!! PLAY FROM
YOUR FUCKING HEART!!!
I am available for
children's parties by the way.
Alright, alright, alright,
alright, I'm going
to, hum, hum alright,
quit it Bill, quit it.
You've been a wonderful
audience and I love you, I
loved being here, you've
been excellent, all...
...has been absolutely the best thus
far. All of my point is, all of my point
is that there's a lot of ways to look
at the world. You know what I'm saying?
Why pick the way you learn over
TV - cause it's usually wrong -?
D' you ever see a good drug
story on the news? Never.
News is supposed to be objective,
isn't it supposed to be, theeeeee NEWS!
BUT, every drug story is negative.
Oooh, hold it! I've had some killer fucking
times on drugs. Let's hear the whole story.
. Same LSD story every time,
that we've all heard it;
"Young man on acid thought he could fly,
jumped out of a building. What a tragedy"
What a dick.
If he thought he could fly, why didn't take
off from the ground and check it out first.
You don't see ducks lined up
to catch elevators to fly south.
He's an idiot, he's dead. Good!
I mean, there's one less
moron in the world,
wow, what a fucking
tragedy aren't it?
I guess I don't have one car
linked up in traffic tomorrow.
How about a positive LSD story, that
would be newsworthy, don't you think?
Anybody think that? Just once
to hear a positive LSD story;
"Today a young man on acid...
...realized that all matter is merely
energy condensed to a slow vibration.
That we are all one consciousness
experiencing itself subjectively.
There is no such thing as death,
life is only a dream and we are
the imagination of ourselves
Here's Tom with the weather."
You guys are great, thank
you very much. Goodnight.