Bill Maher: The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor (2026) Movie Script
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
[presenter] Welcome
to the John F. Kennedy Center
for the Performing Arts
in Washington, D.C.
Please welcome the 27th recipient
of the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor, Bill Maher.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Bill] Hey, guys.
Love you people.
Thank you everybody. Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
My God. Thank you.
How'd you get this seat?
Hey!
Let the band play.
[music concludes]
I am so proud
to be here in Washington, D.C.,
which I have just recently learned
is the nation's capital.
-[audience laughing]
-[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] For 27 years, the nation's
most prestigious prize in comedy
has been presented
to the biggest names in entertainment.
I was born in New York City.
The First Amendment is first for a reason.
The Second Amendment is just in case
the first one doesn't work out.
[audience laughing]
Can I get a "Hell yeah"?
[audience] Hell yeah!
How does it feel to have my hand
on your tiny little head?
I've had and I am still having
a great ride,
and this prize is the cherry
on top of the sundae. Ta-da!
Thank you for the most wonderful night
of my life. Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, you guys.
[presenter] Tonight, we add another name
to this pantheon
of American comedy legends.
Bill Maher.
[audience cheering]
[presenter] From the Kennedy Center
in Washington, D.C.,
welcome to the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor.
[music continues]
[presenter] Tonight's first guest was born
right here in Washington, D.C.
She's a comedian,
writer, actress, and podcaster.
Please welcome Whitney Cummings.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[music concludes]
Welcome to the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor
honoring comedy legend Bill Maher.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
This is easily the highest honor
for a comedian,
and I just want to start
by reminding everyone
that it takes a very specific person
to be a stand-up comedian,
but it takes an even more specific person
to choose to be a political one.
Becoming a political comedian
is like becoming a surgeon
and choosing colorectal.
[audience laughing]
This man chose to spend his life
dealing with assholes.
And if that metaphor was too weird,
I have another one
that could help you understand
how masochistic it is
to do what Bill Maher does.
Being a political comedian
is like being a sports commentator
who chooses to only talk
about the Washington Commanders.
-Oh. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
Or as Bill calls them, the Redskins.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Say what you want about Bill Maher,
but you can't say he's not a patriot.
For 30 years, Bill Maher
has selflessly dedicated his life
to using humor to unite a fraught nation,
relentlessly working to heal the divide
between the left and the right.
And congrats, Bill. Mission accomplished.
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]
Bill is a loyal fighter
for equality and justice.
Day in and day out,
he's committed his life
to making sure that women,
people of color, and the disenfranchised
all have equal access
to the opinion of an unmarried,
childless white millionaire
for only 23 dollars a month.
[laughs]
For only 270 dollars a year,
anyone can watch Bill Maher
tell a Nobel Prize winning physicist
they don't know
what the fuck they're talking about.
In that one case, it was true.
Now, I'm sure you think
that I'm gonna make fun of Bill tonight
for never having been married,
but that's not the way
that I see it at all.
For 40 years,
Bill has been in a very committed,
very toxic relationship
with the United States of America.
Bill and America are like that couple
everyone thinks should get divorced,
but in Bill's mind,
if he can just get her to rehab
one more time,
she'll get back to being the Lady Liberty
he fell in love with,
not some manic depressive who gets
wasted and tries to buy Greenland.
[audience laughing]
Bill doesn't really let anything slide,
but he's also that cool stepdad
who's like, "Look, if you drink,
as long as you call me, I'll come
pick you up, no questions asked."
"But I am stoned,
so it's gonna take me a while
to come pick you up."
Well
Okay.
Bill is a warrior for free speech.
He believes you should be able
to say anything at any time,
especially when someone else
is mid-sentence.
Which I'm actually fine with.
Mark Twain once wrote,
"Few things are more irritating
than when someone who is wrong
is also very effective
in making his point."
I don't think Bill sees it
as interrupting someone.
I think he sees it
as not letting someone finish their lie.
And I think Mark Twain would approve.
Bill embodies the essence of Mark Twain
in more ways than you may even know.
I just found out
that they're similar with regards
to their business acumen.
Both men, very shrewd investors.
Mark Twain had actually put
all of his money into new technology,
including the revolutionary
Paige typesetting machine.
And Bill just went halfsies
on a weed store.
[audience laughing]
Hey, bro. [laughs]
With Woody Harrelson.
[audience cheering]
Bill Maher has always been ahead
of his time,
whether it's pushing
for the legalization of marijuana
or being chosen as The Advocate's
Person of the Year in 2006.
He was praised for speaking out
for gay marriage, which he made time to do
in between speaking out
against straight marriage.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
But being ahead of your time often comes
with some blowback and some criticism,
and I have news for Bill Maher's critics.
Comedians see backlash as a sign
that we're probably doing
something right, okay?
We all know that Bill got some heat
for having dinner with President Trump,
but everyone missed
that he went there to prove a point
that he's been trying to prove for years.
Seeing Donald Trump,
Dana White, and Kid Rock together
in the White House once and for all
proves there really is no God.
[audience laughing]
I'm just glad that we could
all celebrate Bill tonight,
even though, you know, Trump is now
the board chair of this venue.
I actually just found out, I didn't know,
he actually does have a lot
of power here, and he has say
in what productions go on here,
so enjoy this fall's three-month run
of White Hamilton.
[audience laughing]
Tonight, we celebrate
Bill Maher's huge body of work,
including his TV shows, his podcast,
and if you haven't seen
all of Bill's 13 stand-up specials,
I highly recommend
you watch them or re-watch them
because they're somehow
even funnier and more relevant today.
I love seeing Bill do stand-up
in his happy place on stage alone,
not pretending to listen
to other people talk. Let's roll the clip.
I mean, his economic theory
was called trickle down.
[audience laughing]
They're actually saying,
"We're pissing on you."
[audience laughing]
"That's the theory.
We have all the money." [laughs]
"If we drop some, that's yours.
Go for it, man."
You know, we have the Bill of Rights.
We need a corresponding
Bill of Responsibilities. [chuckles]
You know,
free speech used to be a liberal thing,
but then they got it in their head
that getting their feelings hurt
was more important
than the First Amendment.
They do this all the time.
They do something nutty,
and then they blame me for noticing.
[audience laughing]
And say, "Oh, you're a Republican now."
I'm not a Republican,
and I never have been,
so let's get that shit off the table.
I'm not a Republican for all the reasons
I never have been before.
They're too religious.
They're fiscal hypocrites
who absolutely hate it
when America spends money it doesn't have,
except when they're in office,
and then it's always perfectly okay.
[audience applauding, cheering]
They're in denial about racism,
which is still a thing.
They think climate change is a hoax
and the weather girl's tits are real.
[audience laughing]
Democrats still need to do
one more study to cover their ass.
So, they did a study to find out
whether having gays in the ranks
would impede readiness.
Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this?
"Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me"
[audience laughing]
"while I fire this rifle
at those targets down there."
"Let me dig in here." [clears throat]
"And then we will repeat the experiment
when you're not blowing me."
[chuckles]
"And we'll see if it impedes readiness.
All right, here we go."
"A little to the left."
-"No, not you, you're perfect." [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
You know what makes me feel old?
The way people have sex in movies.
You know, I mean,
they're always so hot when they do it.
It's in an elevator
or they're up against a fence somewhere.
They just get inside
and clear shit off and go.
They just clear shit and go.
[audience laughing]
Do you fuck like this?
Do you just get inside and clear and go?
You know, I'd be like,
"No, my mother gave me that."
The worst they said
that Michael Jackson ever did
was a little grabby-grabby
under the covers, which,
don't get me wrong,
I don't condone that either,
that's a crime.
But a little nuance, okay?
Because you know what?
When I was 12 years old,
I was once brutally beaten up
on the playground by two bullies,
just punched in the face.
And if I could go back to 1968
[laughs] trade that experience with being
gently masturbated by a pop star,
-I would do it in a New York minute.
-[audience laughing]
Frankie Valli could jerk me off.
Glen Campbell could jerk me off.
Tommy James & the Shondells
could jerk me off.
I said from the beginning,
he was never going to concede if he lost.
Everyone was like,
"Oh, Bill, you smoke too much pot."
Well, apparently I smoke
just the right amount of pot.
You know who I feel sorry
for in America is whores.
[audience laughing]
Because what can a whore wear anymore?
-You know
-[audience applauding]
What can a whore wear
to signal to the prospective customer,
"No, I'm a real whore.
I'm selling this ass."
"I'm not on my way to an award show.
I'm a whore."
"A real whore."
[audience laughing]
Bill, you've done so much for comedy,
and you've done so much for this country.
I think my favorite thing about you
is that you don't pretend it's cool
to hate America.
No other country could make a Bill Maher,
and I don't even wanna know
what this country
would look like without you.
I love you. Thank you. Congratulations.
[audience cheering]
-Thank you, Whitney. Love you.
-[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] He's a multi-award-winning
comedian, actor, and author.
Please welcome Louis C.K.
[music concludes]
Thank you.
All right. I'd like to talk
about Bill, uh, on a personal level.
He doesn't offer much
about himself personally
except for that he doesn't like kids
and he smokes a lot of pot
and he thinks God's stupid.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
So he's not a guy who really gives
a shit what people think of him.
He doesn't need you,
that's a rare thing for comedians,
he doesn't need you
to think he's a good guy.
But he is.
And I have a personal story that, like,
I've known Bill for a long time.
Now, we weren't friends for a long time.
I just would be on his show,
because I could get on shows.
And so I'd do the show.
I'm not really good at politics.
So after the show, he'd go, "Yeah."
And I'd go, "Thanks."
I always thought, you know, I don't know,
"He's maybe kind of a dick,
but he's okay."
Anyway, then my career
took a turn, uh, downward,
-depending on how you
-[audience laughing]
depending on how you look at it.
And now I was outcast, truly.
And I heard from Bill.
It was the first time I heard
from him personally.
He wrote to me,
and he offered for me to be on his show.
He said, "We could talk about you,
or we could just talk about anything,
just to give you some air."
He said, "I want to throw you a rope."
That's what he said.
And no one else was making
any kind of offer like this in my life.
So it meant a great deal to me.
Anyway, it turned out to be a scam.
It wasn't him. It was a
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
-But it made me think of him. No.
-[audience laughing]
He did. He offered to help me
when nobody else would.
It meant a lot to me. And then we became
friends by email. We wrote a lot.
And I got to know a little bit about him
and how he functions as a person.
I always was a fan of his.
His show is great,
and he's a hilarious comedian.
He's biting. He's funny.
But I didn't know him as a person.
Later, he had me on his show.
I wrote a novel.
I said, "Can I come on your show
and promote my novel?"
And he read my novel.
Most of my friends haven't read my novel.
I haven't read Bill's novel. He wrote one.
I would never read his novel.
But he read it, had me on,
and he let me promote it on his show,
which was also a kindness.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that,
look, Bill is a brilliant guy,
and he's also a gutsy guy,
but the fulcrum of it
is that he's a good guy.
He has a heart.
I think that's what runs who he is.
He is allergic to bullshit,
and he's passionately rational,
and he outwits people,
but not 'cause he's better than them,
but because he wants better for everybody.
That's the way I see him.
He's a good man.
And also, as a comedian,
I want to say that what gets overlooked
is that he's very fucking funny. You know?
He goes out there,
says stuff that nobody else will say.
He speaks to both sides,
against both sides,
but he's funny every night.
He has a show on once a week,
and every single time,
he makes me laugh really hard,
at least twice per show,
and that is really difficult to do,
I'm telling you.
It's really hard to be consistently funny
and to put out comedy specials.
I'm saying this with some vehemence,
because I think that he's underrated,
and I'm really happy
that he's here tonight,
and I'm really happy
that he's getting this award
and this recognition.
I think Bill's a great comic.
[audience cheering, applauding]
So Bill has earned this tribute
by being a constant and hilarious force
in American comedy for many years.
And to give you an idea of his career,
somebody cut together a bunch of clips,
which are narrated by Katie Couric.
And I'm here now to invite you
to watch those results.
-So here you go. Thanks.
-[audience applauding]
Yeah, yeah.
Would you welcome, please, Bill Maher.
[Katie] Growing up,
he wanted to be like Johnny Carson.
Funny,
but with serious political influence.
-And you must be getting a lot.
-I don't want to talk about it here.
[Katie] He wound up doing
a very different kind of talk show,
and he influenced people
in a very different way.
But all in all, his dreams came true.
Maybe I should
[Katie] It began as it does with
so many comedians, with funny parents.
Bill, a Catholic radio newsman,
and Julie, a Jewish nurse,
met overseas during World War II
and did what few people
with their religious backgrounds
did in 1951. They got married.
And from this union was born one
of Johnny Carson's favorite jokes.
I come from a mixed marriage,
which means my mother is Jewish
and my father is Catholic.
That is the truth.
I was raised Catholic formally,
although I must say
the Jewish mind comes out
even in the Catholic system.
I'll give you an example.
We used to go into confession,
and I would bring a lawyer
in with me. [chuckles]
[audience laughing, applauding]
It's true.
Yeah.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I think you know Mr. Cohen."
[Katie] Even back then, he was edgy.
Yeah, I just want to meet
an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
I never understood these,
you know, people who get nine
Liz Taylor going for nine, you know.
Three is good. You know what I'm saying?
Jay, I guess you could say London
has Big Ben, but here in America,
we've got the big ball.
[Katie] He would never lose that edge,
and it would allow him
to become the guy so many turned to
to dissect the news.
-Oh, please.
-[audience cheering]
[Katie] But it was hardly
an uninterrupted path to being a pundit.
Along the way, there were sitcoms.
I like women a lot more than you do.
I treat them with respect and affection.
I don't want to hear
about your hang-ups, Dennis.
-[Katie] B-movies
-Oh my God, you're marinating me!
and getting punched
in the face on Pictionary.
[audience cheering]
[Katie] At 36,
he decided enough was enough.
It was time to be
what he always wanted to be,
a talk show host,
but one who didn't have
to hide his politics.
Okay, well, thank you and I'm Bill Maher
and this is Politically Incorrect.
You've said that 1995 is the Year
of the Penis. What can we expect?
This is a really, really,
really white town.
Uh, I'm having a real hard time
trying to find haircare products.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
Certainly don't want any violence.
Let's bring her out! Monica!
[audience booing]
Who is writing this stuff?
It's unbelievable.
What about suggesting that parents
watch their kids instead of trying,
as we seem to be doing,
to childproof the world?
[Katie]
Politically Incorrect was different.
It could be ridiculous one minute
and profound the next.
The host called it a designed train wreck.
Of course you are, 'cause you are
the most hypersensitive people
in the United States of America.
You will treat me and every other woman
with respect and dignity!
[Katie] And then one night,
the train really went off the rails.
Always in a little bit of trouble,
in 2001, Bill got in a lot of trouble.
He went out the way he came in,
pulling no punches.
I think religion is bad
and drugs are good.
[audience laughing, cheering]
I think America causes cancer,
longevity is less important than fun,
and young people should be
discouraged from voting.
[Katie] Plainly, what this man needed
was to work at a place
where sponsors couldn't pull out,
because there were no sponsors.
As I was saying, before I was
so rudely interrupted eight months ago
Conservatives govern without shame,
and liberals shame without governing.
I try not to be too mean, but I mean
Well, I don't try that hard.
My relationship with the audience
is the relationship of my life.
Move further away from me, please.
You smoke too much pot.
You have a show where right
and left talk to each other.
President Trump is going
to run for a third term.
Here it is, the Constitution.
Maybe you should have this.
[audience laughing]
You are the most gorgeous old lady
in the world.
That's my truth.
That's the way I was born.
-That's what my body's telling me to do.
-Preach, Bill, preach!
I just called him a bad motherfucker.
When the sea levels rise,
we could lose Florida.
And who would know better
about losing Florida?
It's why I've always treated the audience
like they're my friend,
-and I mean a real friend.
-Relax, liberal audience.
Let him get his bullshit out
before you boo him.
I'm still on the air and you're not,
but go ahead.
[audience exclaiming]
-[Chris] I love this show.
-I do too.
Honestly, God, I love this show.
I'm just wondering who on my staff
agreed to accept this gig.
-So, you're gonna debate Newsom?
-We are.
You know he's taller and better looking.
We don't agree on everything,
and we don't have to,
because friends
don't leave each other over that.
We even fight sometimes,
because honesty is love,
and friends don't bullshit each other.
[audience applauding]
Bill, you're a funny motherfucker,
you're a good man,
and congratulations on this award.
Thanks, man.
Thank you, my friend.
-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering]
[Bill] Here's us this last year in Hawaii
after you had given up pot,
and there we are with Jeff Ross.
And you know, you look, uh
You look okay, but not ecstatic, and, uh
But here's the year before
when we were completely baked.
-All right, I'm just saying.
-[audience laughing]
That's a strong case.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
[upbeat music playing]
[presenter]
He's a film and television star,
a friend,
and business associate of Bill's.
-Please welcome Woody Harrelson.
-[audience cheering]
[Woody] Howdy.
-Finally, an award for my dear friend.
-[audience laughing]
Ironically, at the Trump Kennedy Center
No, right, we fixed that.
-Uh
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I've known Bill a long,
long time since back when he was funny.
-[audience laughing]
-Uh
Bill and I had 25 good years. Then we met.
We had a shared policy
of breaking the law with regularity.
We marveled at the arrogance
of our government
to outlaw a plant that,
according to law enforcement,
makes you feel euphoric.
Why doesn't our government want us happy?
Maybe keeping us in constant fear
is a better strategy.
And perhaps this is what drives Bill.
He wants to get Uncle Sam off our backs.
[audience cheering]
Tonight we're here to honor Bill Maher
with the Mark Twain Prize.
[audience cheering]
My God, the wit of this man,
the brilliant political satire,
the insight into all that goes on
in the world. I love Mark Twain.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
And when it comes to gargantuan talent
like Twain and Maher,
sometimes it's hard to tell who said what.
For example, who said this?
"Truth is the most valuable thing
we have, so let's economize it."
Mark Twain, yeah. How about this?
"Congress could talk for a week
without ever getting rid of an idea."
Mark Twain, obviously. How about this?
"Who is the country?
Is it the government or the republic?"
"The government is merely a servant,
a temporary one."
"Its function is to obey orders,
not to originate them."
Mark Twain, again, of course, yeah.
I know Bill said some cool things too,
I just can't recall any of them.
-Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
-[laughs]
And now we have a dispensary together
in West Hollywood.
[audience cheering]
Thank you. You've been?
I mean, the most beautiful dispensary
in the world. It's called "The Woods."
And I'm sorry, 'cause I swore
that I would not use this platform
for self-promotion.
You know, a lot of folks go on Real Time
or Club Random just to self-promote.
-I go on just to get fucked up.
-[audience laughing]
I mean, Bill always has the best herb.
As he should, he gets it from The Woods.
No, sorry,
I'm not gonna mention The Woods again.
And by the way,
I never mentioned The Woods,
not even once, on Brothers,
the show that I did
with Matthew McConaughey
that's coming out on Apple in September.
[audience laughing, applauding]
No, sorry, Bill. You deserve better.
He says it like it is.
The opinion you hear is his
and not the network's,
which led to his ouster from ABC
a couple of decades ago, luckily.
And he's been with HBO ever since.
Well, you know,
since back when HBO had standards.
[audience laughing]
While we're both outspoken
about our beliefs,
and some of those beliefs
are not always popular,
he contends that he gets shit
for everything he says,
whereas I get a pass
because everyone
just loves good old Woody.
Well, I'm the guy
America fell in love with on Cheers,
and that love affair continues unabated,
so new rule, Bill, get over it.
-[chuckles]
-[audience cheering, laughing]
[chuckles]
By his own admission,
Bill is not in it for the likes.
Look at this billboard HBO ran
for him once.
Yep, "He's not in it for the likes."
He must have loved that billboard
because this year,
look, they did it again.
[audience laughing]
"Still not in it for the likes."
Dude, you can't have it both ways.
You can't bitch about not being liked
for what you say,
and then run a billboard
where you're bragging about it, twice.
[laughs]
Except for one thing. Truth be told,
not caring if you're liked,
especially in this era
of extreme partisanship,
not to mention cowardice,
is something to brag about.
It is a commodity
that you cannot really find anywhere
but with Bill.
Yes, other people keep it real
to varying degrees,
but if you really want
the "No bullshit, this is how it is,
and I don't care who likes it" take,
and always a smart take,
not a take just to be a contrarian,
you either go to Bill Maher
or you live without it.
Yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
I got something breaking through the fog.
Uh, okay, who said this?
"In this country,
you're guilty till proven wealthy."
-Bill said it.
-[audience applauding]
Or "If you have a gun,
you can rob a bank,
but if you have a bank,
you can rob everyone."
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
And finally, "The reason I love my dog
so much is because when I come home,
he's the only one in the world
who treats me like I'm The Beatles."
[chuckles]
I couldn't agree with your dog more, Bill.
You're my Ringo. Yeah.
[audience cheering, applauding]
It's a great thing to be friends
with people you admire.
But Bill, I not only admire you,
but you are one of the funniest,
smartest, and bravest people I know.
Congratulations
for this well-deserved award.
-I love you, brother.
-I love you, too.
[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
-[upbeat music playing]
Thank you, bro.
-Bill, it's your old pal, Jerry.
-[music concludes]
We started out together
in Manhattan in the '70s,
in New York City,
and now, we made it. We did it.
I'm in Las Vegas.
You're getting the Mark Twain Prize.
-[audience cheering]
-And I have some people here
who wanna help me congratulate you
on this fantastic honor.
-Please meet my friends.
-[audience cheering]
Congratulations.
Thank you, that's great.
It's great. Thank you very much.
[mellow music playing]
[presenter] He can yell
at the right, he can yell at the left,
but he's always yelling
from a place of common sense.
He is arguably the most recognizable
and influential personality
in sports media, Stephen A. Smith.
[audience applauding]
Good evening, everybody.
Bill Maher,
what can I say about this brother?
He keeps it real.
You can't tell me he doesn't do that.
He does something else I like as well.
He puts ideas in the water.
If it's mainstream now,
he was saying it 20 years ago.
So, he's not mainstream.
He's upstream, and it ain't always easy
because pioneers get all the arrows.
Y'all know that.
And it's the lead dog
who gets his ass bit.
People get confused by this dude a lot.
Is he a comic? Is he a pundit?
Well, the answer's yes,
yes, comic, pundit.
Why can't you be both?
Hello, this is the Mark Twain Prize.
What he ain't
is an investigative journalist.
Get it right.
He doesn't break news stories.
He breaks new ways of looking at stories.
The media is always saying,
"Is he too liberal?"
"Is he too conservative?"
He's just incapable of lying.
Whatever party or faction you're in,
if you've got spinach on your teeth,
he's gonna tell you about it.
Plain and simple.
He and I, we both get accused sometimes
of playing devil's advocate.
Well, guess what?
We ain't doing that tonight.
Don't blame it on the devil.
If you don't like what we're saying, fine.
But it's all of us.
We don't need any help from the devil.
The other thing
not everyone gets about him,
and another thing
that makes him different
is he's a guy you can actually hang with.
I mean, really hang.
Look, y'all, I did this Club Random thing,
this Club Random Podcast twice.
I mean, I think I did.
[audience laughing]
I don't actually remember.
It was the first time
I've gotten a contact high.
I was high as shit.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
It's hard to imagine
getting down like that with Scott Pelley.
I don't think that's possible.
All right, I just don't, I just don't.
And I'm not here
saying nice things about Bill
just because he's let it be known
that he thinks I should run for president.
-Yes!
-[audience applauding]
You know? Which, by the way,
I consider a very flattering way
of asking me to take a pay cut.
[audience laughing]
But it's an indication
of how much I value Bill's opinion
that it made me reconsider,
maybe I should.
I decided to leave it up to the universe.
And then the Knicks won
for the first time in 53 years.
[audience applauding]
And I took it as a sign,
"Stay in the world of sports, all right?"
Being president might be fun,
but I think Bill and I both love
what we do too much to do anything else.
We get to tell people what we think,
what we really think,
and we're lucky enough that some of them
actually want to hear it.
Even better, it gets through to some
who don't want to hear it at all.
There's a song this man makes me think of.
A lot of people have sung it.
A lot of people would like
to have it sung about them,
but I doubt if anyone deserves it
more than Bill Maher.
As the song "My Way" by Paul Anka says,
"For what is a man, what has he got?"
"If not himself, then he has not."
"To say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels."
"The record shows
I took the blows and did it my way."
[audience applauding]
Thank you. Wow.
Like they say on reality shows,
the most important thing
is just you doing you.
But what if you is a big asshole?
[audience laughing, applauding]
Democrats, for all their flaws,
still see democracy
as the essence of America.
They see America and democracy
as inextricably linked.
They believe
that one without the other is unthinkable.
Republicans? Thinkable.
You know all those old movies
you think are cringe?
Well, they're cringe
because America changed,
because we modernized
way more than most societies have.
Our current Congress is the most racially
and ethnically diverse ever.
They're like a beautiful, useless rainbow.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
Going where the American people are
on crime and immigration,
"Gosh, it's so crazy it just might work."
See, that's how
you get these things called votes.
-And--
-[audience laughing]
And once you do, you can take office.
-I-- [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I know it's more fun
to make memes of Trump
sucking Elon's toes, but
[audience laughing, applauding]
But John Fetterman doesn't play that game.
He says, "I don't give a fuck."
"I left all my fucks in my other pants
and I don't wear pants."
[audience laughing, applauding]
Taylor Swift went from writing songs
about what a dick this guy was to her
and what a dick this guy was to her
to what a dick this guy has.
[audience laughing, applauding]
She dated a procession of skinny,
fey, gay-adjacent, meek,
porcelain doll, shy guy,
twink-like, tortured poet,
and metrosexuals in America and Europe.
But the second
she got some old-school wood
-from the heartland, it was game over.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
According to the internet,
what I did with my "comments"
at the Globes was laugh, scoff,
mock, take a dig at, and refuse
to join Golden Globes activism.
Golden Globes activism?
[audience laughing]
Oh, you mean the activism
of fixing a fucking pin to my suit?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Um
I'm sorry, it clashed with my keffiyeh.
There's no such thing as karma, sorry.
-[audience laughing]
-[clears throat]
Sorry, but life is random.
The only word to describe it
when a big game hunter gets trampled
by an elephant,
and then eaten by lions is hilarious.
[audience laughing]
That's another scary thing about AI,
the people who run it,
i.e., the people who run the world.
And it's like five guys,
five guys who between them
and working as a team
couldn't correctly read a social cue.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I wouldn't let these guys
around a mixed drink,
let alone my personal data.
[audience laughing, applauding]
So just to be clear
what we're doing here,
we're letting a handful of hoodie-wearing,
on-the-spectrum sociopaths,
practically robots themselves,
roll the dice on species extinction.
You see an out-of-control robot
and you run.
Mark Zuckerberg sees one
and thinks, "Dad?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
It is a complete honor to be here tonight
doing what I do as a profession,
to have somebody like you
setting the standard
every single week the way that you do.
I can't say it enough.
You're smart as hell. You know the issues.
But the greatest gift is your courage,
your courage to tell the truth,
your courage to be unapologetic about it.
It's an inspiration to all of us
in the industry and beyond.
Congratulations. Love you, bro.
-All the best to you.
-[blows kiss] Love you, back. Thank you.
[audience applauding]
-Thank you so much. Oh, my God.
-[mellow music playing]
I know this is hokey to do
on national television.
[guests chuckle]
-But
-[Ariana chuckles]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[speaks indistinctly]
Arianna. [chuckles]
I
Would you be the first guest
on my new show?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[laughs]
If you'll just If you can sign here.
And here, and you'll, uh
-[kisses]
-[lively music playing]
[audience applauding]
[presenter]
She is a co-founder of HuffPost,
the founder and CEO of Thrive Global,
and the author of 15 books.
Time recognized her as one of the most
influential people in the world.
Here's Arianna Huffington.
[music concludes]
Good evening.
I met Bill on my first appearance
on Politically Incorrect in 1993.
I was really nervous
because I thought
nobody would understand my accent.
But Bill reassured me
that in American public life,
you can never overestimate the advantages
of complete and total incomprehensibility.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
That was the beginning
of a very long and deep friendship.
He's been there
for every milestone in my life.
The most incredibly loyal
and steadfast friend.
When he found out that my divorce
was about to be finalized,
he said, "Okay, the day it comes through,
you come and do Politically Incorrect,
we'll go to dinner after the show,
and you won't even think about it."
And that's exactly what happened.
That's dinner with Bill.
You forget about all your problems
and you just laugh.
Two hours later,
I couldn't even remember why I was sad
or that I had ever been married.
-[laughs, applauds]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
My mother came to love Bill,
and so did my daughters.
And they also loved Bill's girlfriends,
because, you know,
-they were more their age.
-[audience laughing]
-And And they still are.
-[audience laughing]
Comedy is ultimately
about calling bullshit.
And Bill's been calling bullshit
for his whole life.
And he's willing to take
a lot of heat for it
in order to create space
for others to do the same.
That was never more evident than
in September 2001.
Six days after the attacks,
Bill was back
to hosting Politically Incorrect.
And since we've shared so many milestones,
I was actually on that show.
Using the freedoms
we had just been attacked for,
Bill pointed out that whatever else
you could say about the terrorists,
they were monsters,
but they were not cowards.
A manufactured scandal ensued.
And Bill managed to get canceled,
before being canceled was a thing.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
Even before social media existed.
He did it the old fashioned artisanal way.
[audience laughing]
But he also did it his own fearless
and undaunted way.
For Mark Twain,
satire was a way of keeping citizens
from being shriveled into sheep.
And Bill has taken on that mantle,
never relinquishing,
speaking his brilliant and funny mind.
He has so much in his life,
but there are two things I've always
wanted him to have that he doesn't.
The first is children.
I remember having him over for dinner,
and my children were little,
and I thought to myself,
if I take him upstairs
to see how adorable children are
when they are sleeping,
-he will obviously change his mind.
-[audience laughing]
"Why?", he protested,
"Why should I see them asleep?"
"Just to see them exhausted
and passed out like drunken sailors?"
The second is faith.
Bill knows
how important my spirituality is to me,
and the world knows that he's an atheist.
But he also had such a sense
of the mystery of the universe.
It might be an oxymoron,
but I think
he's actually a mystical atheist.
In the lingo of the moment,
I think Bill is a biological believer
-who now identifies as an atheist.
-[audience laughing]
And now I'm delighted
to introduce some nuggets from Religulous,
the hysterically funny documentary
that finally gave atheists something
to cheer at the movies.
[audience applauding]
I used to be a lonely pioneer out there
on the atheist trails, and now
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[Bill] Wow.
It's like anal. Everyone's doing it.
[upbeat music playing]
-[music concludes]
-Put that away.
I do not receive a salary from the church.
I do not take a salary from the church.
-You take it right out of the pot.
-No.
My big thing is I don't know.
That's what I preach.
I preach the gospel of "I don't know."
Of course you didn't go to church with us.
No. We never had a family discussion.
[Bill] We never had
a family discussion about that.
Every family is dysfunctional.
So you thought even this,
which wasn't your religion
was better than no religion.
Well, even this only told
you good things, I thought
I think these debates are a lot
I'm willing to discuss them
in terms of facts and not fictions.
When you disagree with me, it's a fiction.
-Let me finish. God is compassionate.
-[chuckles]
Everything is directly
from God, we believe.
But it seems to me
Wait, I'll now explain
that point that you're asking.
The concept of saying
that we've suffered enough anti-Semitism
Never again.
So, you don't say never again.
-No.
-You say again.
-[cell phone buzzing]
-Sorry.
[chuckles] Oh,
that 21st century always busting in.
Who are you, biblically?
I'm Jesus Christ's man,
the second coming of Christ.
I am. The Old Testament speaks
about me clearly,
and the New Testament also.
About you, personally?
Not just because you share the name Jess.
-No, no, not because of that.
-Because you also share the name Miranda.
-Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.
-[Jess] Yeah, right.
Maybe the second coming of her.
You should have fruit on your head
instead of fruit in your head.
[both chuckle]
[Bill] So, of course, the reason
why we're here is because you're,
I guess we would say, ex-gay.
You used to be gay,
and then you married someone
who used to be a lesbian,
and you have three children,
and I guess the jury's out on them.
Nobody's born gay.
-There's no scientific
-[Bill] Really?
Have you ever met Little Richard?
I think it's very interesting
that, uh, you're a Christian now,
you were a Muslim,
and when you get your clothes,
you buy them like a Jew.
Do you think it's possible
that when we're on something
like marijuana or mushrooms,
and we believe we're having
a very spiritual experience,
that we're just high?
-It's
-Look out! Your head's on fire.
Boy, talking
about the light bulb going off,
that was your whole head.
-Hi.
-Seen you around.
-Welcome to our world. [chuckles]
-I've seen you around.
So, when you go out to dinner,
do people recognize you?
[man] I don't like the way
this thing's going.
I don't know
what this documentary's supposed to be,
but I don't like where you're going.
You start disputing my God,
and you've got a problem.
-Stop there for just a moment.
-Let me stop this whole thing.
-No, no, no.
-No.
-No.
-No?
No. I'm wrong about everything.
[audience applauding]
No, Bill, you're definitely
not wrong about everything,
just about faith.
But even though we don't agree on faith,
I treasure our friendship.
And I'm so honored to be here
to share and celebrate
one more milestone with you.
This is such a richly deserved award.
And, Bill, now against your will,
you will be getting at least
one form of immortality.
[all laugh]
-Congratulations. I love you.
-[audience applauding]
-[kisses] Thank you. Love you. Thank you.
-[upbeat music playing]
You could still be in the movie.
You're just not the love interest.
I'd like to get the girl.
I'd like to sit opposite
the girl over candlelight.
Well, you can't.
Is there a conspiracy theory
you don't believe?
No, I'm telling you. I tell the truth.
People will care about you
until the day you die on the sidewalk.
-No.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, no. Your house burned down.
-Look at this.
You know, but your campaign is fire.
-I mean, I [laughs]
-[spits]
Oh, fucking spit takes
is the greatest thing in the world.
It's up there with orgasm.
-It really is.
-Well
[both laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] Here to present
the Mark Twain Prize
is one of Bill's oldest friends,
who received this honor himself
in 2014, Jay Leno.
[audience applauding]
-Thank you very much.
-[music concludes]
For only the second time
in our nation's capital,
there is a big,
beautiful Bill in Washington,
ladies and gentlemen, yes!
[all laughing, applauding]
Actually, a lot of controversy.
You know, the Kennedy Center
was not Bill's first choice,
but the Playboy Mansion was unavailable.
Now, somebody might not know this
about Bill.
He's not just an intellectual.
He is a jock. He's an athlete as well.
Plays basketball regularly
for many years.
In fact, a couple of coaches told me
he had a better shot at the NBA
than he did at winning an Emmy.
So I think that was it.
-Yeah. That's pretty good.
-[audience laughing]
Do you know he's a part owner
of the New York Mets? Did you know that?
In fact, we used to call him the umpire
because any given moment,
-half the crowd would hate him.
-[audience laughing]
You know, Bill and I used to talk
about that all the time.
I said, you know,
reach out to the other side.
Try and see
if you can bring people more in.
-He did. And now both sides hate him.
-[audience laughing]
But he doesn't give
He actually had dinner
with President Trump at the White House.
In fact, when J.D. Vance heard about it,
he said, "What was it like?"
[audience laughing]
And Bill is not a fan
of apologizing when he's right,
which explains
why he's never been married.
[audience laughing]
Bill has been doing this a long time,
but here's something nobody knows.
Give you an idea
of how long he's been on TV.
You know who his very first guest
on Politically Incorrect was?
Mark Twain.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Bill's show was canceled because
people didn't like something he said.
You know, canceling the host of a show
called Politically Incorrect
for saying something politically incorrect
is like being kicked off Naked and Afraid
for being naked and afraid.
[all laughing]
Bill has made a career out of saying
what good people don't want to say
and what bad people don't want to hear.
He says things others only have the guts
to say in anonymous tweets.
This is why he has the best
political show on television.
His guests are as diverse
as Marjorie Taylor Greene
and Joe Scarborough,
and as remarkably similar
as Jon Hamm and Kevin Bacon.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Bill has never wavered in his approach.
He's said funny things,
said things that made people mad,
made them uncomfortable,
said things that have got him applause,
said things that have got him boos,
made people angry.
But he's done so empowered by his belief
in the First Amendment guarantee
of freedom of speech.
I think it makes Bill a patriot,
a truly unique, American type of patriot.
And you know what else?
He makes a great friend.
Like this town, I live in a town
where an anonymous tweet,
an unsubstantiated rumor,
a story planted in a magazine
can get you blackballed,
you lose your job.
As Louis C.K. pointed out,
Bill doesn't run from this.
He invites you on his show
to tell your story,
whether you're right or wrong,
because he always wants
to help both sides.
I am so proud of my old friend
that he'll finally get a chance
to use that acceptance speech
that's been in his pocket
-since the '94 Emmys.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
It is my honor to present
the 27th Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor to my good friend,
Bill Maher.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[upbeat music playing]
[music concludes]
-[Bill] Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Jay.
Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is so
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]
[Bill] All right.
Thank you. Thank you so, so very much.
You have truly made this
one of the most memorable nights of my--
-[imitating Trump] Hold on. Hold on, Bill.
-[audience laughing]
-I'mma let you finish.
-[audience laughing]
[Matt] But I got to say,
I had one of the greatest
comedy careers of all time.
-Could you just--
-All time.
I just won an award. Can you just let me--
Quiet, piggy.
[audience laughing]
Why are we giving this low ratings,
lightweight jerk, the Mark Twain Award?
[audience laughing]
Mark Twain, who I knew very well.
We love Mark Twain. He's a great American,
great on terrorists, very strong.
I mean, he sailed the Mississippi,
which used to be called the Mistersippi
before the crazy Democrats
made it transition.
-These are sick people.
-[audience laughing]
These are sick people.
Making a river change its pronouns.
But I'll tell you one thing, Bill,
it is a much mightier than the very weak,
-Strait of Hormuz, okay?
-Look, look.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I know we've had our differences,
but I'm finally getting an award.
Can you just let me have my moment
to give my speech,
and then you can go back to zinging me
with all of your insults.
You know, I always wanted to say to you,
when I came to the White House,
you were very nice.
I brought that list of the 56 worst things
you'd ever said about a human being,
these horrible insults,
-and you were kind enough to sign it.
-You know what? Excuse me.
-[Bill] Really.
-[Matt] Don't get too excited, Bill.
I was using Biden's autopen, okay?
But, listen
It's a great list.
It's actually an amazing list.
Maybe the greatest list ever.
A lot of people are saying it, Bill.
Stupid, dopey, dummy,
dumbass, rather dumb guy, crazy,
sick, insane, wacko, very sad,
totally shot, loser, sleazebag,
dumbest man on television, shell of a man,
-big fail, highly overrated.
-Okay, I get it.
You don't think I'm perfect.
Well, Bill, you went back on our deal.
We had a deal.
You come to the White House.
I give you a steak.
-You go completely--
-No. No, no, no, no. No.
I gotta stop you there.
You keep saying that.
We never had any deal.
That dinner was always about
just having the two sides
talk to each other
instead of shouting at each other.
There was no quid pro quo.
Well, Bill, I'm going to be honest.
You were very nervous.
You had to have a drink right away,
very quickly--
Okay. You keep saying that too.
That's a bunch of bullshit also.
Yes, I had a drink before dinner,
as people do.
It's not that weird
to have a drink before dinner.
For God's sakes,
you work with Pete Hegseth.
-Okay.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
And why would I be nervous?
Like everybody else
who has the experience
of seeing you in private,
I found you not at all
to be so belligerent.
We all have the same question
when we see you that way.
-Why can't you always be that guy?
-Boring, Bill.
It is so boring.
Who would want to see that? Who?
-Who--
-Everybody!
Everybody would want to see that.
Everybody would want to see a guy
who doesn't just pull shit out of his ass.
I am the least full of shit president
in history, okay?
You just said you knew Mark Twain.
I did know Mark Twain.
He was on my first cabinet.
I fired him like a dog.
And if you don't believe me, Bill,
here's a picture of it.
-This is a picture, please. Look at that.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
I showed you all.
-Okay?
-All right.
All right. [chuckles] You got me there.
[audience laughing]
-But can I just do my speech now?
-I just I deserve this award, okay?
-I get so
-[audience laughing]
Excuse me. Stop laughing.
I get so many more laughs than this guy.
Why are you getting a comedy award?
Okay, remember when I took the Sharpie?
I drew the extra path of destruction
of the hurricane on the map.
That was funny stuff, Bill.
"Covfefe," that was a beauty, right?
-Remember that?
-Okay, okay, okay. You know what?
I see where this is going.
Let's just cut to the chase.
I know how this is gonna end.
You know how this is gonna end.
-Just take it. It's okay.
-Really?
-I'm used to losing awards.
-Thank you very much. Thank you, Bill.
Get back over here.
Matt Friend, everybody.
-[audience applauding, cheering]
-[normally] Thank you.
-That's my pal, Matt Friend. Thank you.
-Thank you.
With his amazing impression.
First of all, thank you so much, Bill,
for inviting me to be a part
of your richly deserved tribute.
Give it up for Bill one more time.
This is amazing. Unbelievable.
[audience applauding]
The first time I actually met Bill
was at his house.
I was a guest on Club Random,
which he records in his basement.
Typically, when a 25-year-old gets invited
to a Hollywood star's basement,
there's an NDA involved.
-However, nothing with Bill.
-[audience laughing]
I was a 25-year-old kid
who hadn't quite earned it yet,
and I have always deeply admired, how,
as we've seen throughout
this whole evening,
you simply refuse
to hate half the country.
The only side Bill has ever
been loyal to is the joke.
Bill's always been
an equal opportunity offender.
As he says
[imitating Bill] "The oath of office
I took was to comedy, okay?"
-I had to do it.
-Terrible.
You didn't think I was going to do it,
but I did.
-You've gotta do the Bill lip clack.
-[audience applauding]
[normally] So, from the youngest person
in the building,
apparently by far,
thank you so much, Bill.
And to toss it back to you, Johnny-style,
"The audience is in a wonderful mood."
"So, congratulations again,
to Mark Twain Prize recipient,
Bill Maher."
-"Bill, thank you."
-Thank you. Matt Friend.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you so much.
Thank you. That was hysterical.
All right, well,
we're still on the air, I guess.
So, I guess the president didn't show up,
that's okay.
Well, thank you, everybody,
and everybody who made
this night happen for me.
I gotta say, I learned so much
from this experience,
the main thing being
that people in this country
really take winning awards very seriously.
It's been mind-blowing to see how much
Americans see getting an award
as something that was bestowed by God.
They say, "You won!"
The same as when
the Knicks won the championship.
-But it's not
-[audience member applauds]
-Yeah, thank you, one guy.
-[audience laughing]
But it's not the same thing.
The Knicks won because
they actually beat the other team.
It's not an opinion.
But, show business awards
are just the opinion of who?
Sometimes you don't even know.
Usually just some very small
group of people
who are harboring
God knows what kind of taste or agenda.
Having said that,
thank you so much for this one.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-I truly
[chuckles, smooches]
I truly appreciate it
and couldn't be more thrilled
to be part of the hypocrisy.
[audience laughing]
But all kidding aside,
this really does mean a lot to me.
Believe me, when they asked me
[chuckles] and called and said,
"Would you accept this?"
I said, "You don't have to ask me twice."
Of course, after the president tried
to get the show canceled,
-they actually did have to ask twice.
-[audience laughing]
So, my speech tonight
will be mostly thank yous,
as it should be,
to all the people who have believed in me,
supported me, fanboyed me,
wrote for me, produced me, loved me,
and above all, stood by me.
Because you know, once in a while
I did get in a spot of trouble.
I can barely express how much I love
the people who came here for me,
I respect the fuck out of all these people
and will be forever in their debt.
[audience applauding, cheering]
My comic buddies,
my brethren and sister in stand-up,
Whitney and Louie and Jay,
my confessor in chief, Arianna Huffington,
and the next president
of the United States,
-Stephen A. Smith.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
And, of course,
my brother from another stoner,
-Woody Harrelson.
-[audience laughing]
Yeah, this guy published
Huckleberry Finn in 1885,
-the same year Jay did his first open mic.
-[audience laughing]
It was 20 years
after the end of the Civil War
and I gotta tell you,
racism was still pretty popular
and so the book
being explicitly anti-racist
was panned by the conservatives of the day
who wanted to ban it.
And today,
because the book uses racist language,
again, importantly,
in the service of mocking racism,
the silly purists on the left
want to ban it now,
which just shows
that if you hang around long enough
and create something important enough,
everyone hates you at some point.
And that's when you know
you're doing it right.
[audience applauding]
Now, the president,
when he's in attack mode,
never fails to say
that I am "part of the lunatic left."
Okay, well, he's not wrong
that there is one.
I'm just not part of it.
And there sure is a lunatic right.
And when either side gets mad at me
because I put them in jokes,
jokes that work
[audience laughing]
my message to them is simple.
You want to not get mocked?
Stop being funny.
-Then the jokes won't work.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
But when you're ridiculous, they do work.
And when people laugh, you're caught.
Laughter is involuntary.
It's people's inescapable truth defector,
whether they want to believe it or not.
And if you asked me
what I'm proudest of in my whole life,
and tonight would be a good time to do it
[audience laughing]
it's simply staying on.
[scoffs] Staying on,
staying on the air for 33 years
without ever pulling a punch
on a show mostly without stars,
no offense to some of our guests
here tonight.
[audience laughing]
My second proudest accomplishment,
I would say, is maintaining my big secret.
Now, the image people have of me
is an unmarried, frequently high,
girl-crazy, atheist libertine.
But that is just a character
I play on television.
In reality, I live here in Bethesda
[audience laughing, applauding]
with my delicate wife, Sue,
and our two homeschooled children,
-Margaret and Thatcher.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
But if you ask me
what I actually live for,
like live for in all seriousness,
it is one thing,
to be a hero to my audience.
Not a savior,
because no one can be that. Sorry, JC.
But a hero,
someone who comes through for them.
I want them to feel
like there's this thing that I do for them
that they can't get quite anywhere else,
and so I have to come through for them.
I like that pressure.
During the week
when I am putting the show together,
sometimes there's a bit, a joke, a line,
a thought about something that I just
can't wait to say on Friday night,
so I'll tell it to certain people.
And about half of them will say,
"Oh, you can't do that."
And the other half will say,
"Oh, you gotta do that."
Those are my peeps.
In my box tonight are eight people
who I love a lot because I know them well,
and one person who I love who I never met.
Because when they told me to pick
the eight people I wanted in the box,
I said, "One of them
has to represent the fans."
-[audience cheering]
-[Bill] That would be you. [chuckles]
Okay. So, thank you.
That is Lara Sasken of San Francisco.
-Nice to meet you.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you for honoring me
with coming here for this.
And thank you for being
that person who I've never met,
even though I've actually met you
thousands of times in coffee shops
and diners on the road,
in bars and restaurants
and airports and meets and greets
and parking lots
outside of theaters in every state.
-Well, not Wyoming.
-[audience laughing]
Sorry, it wasn't deliberate, Wyoming,
but even [chuckles]
the private planes don't go there.
[audience laughing]
I've said it a million times,
if I had to choose
between the 41 Emmys I've lost
and having the type of fans I have,
and by the way, I have had to choose that
[audience laughing]
it's the fans every time.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And--
And by the way,
lest you think that's a gag number,
41, like I'm saying,
"Oh, I lost a million Emmys."
No, no, no, that's a real number.
Forty-one nominations.
You'd think I'd have won once
just by clerical error.
[audience laughing]
I lost one year to the Yule log.
[audience laughing]
Is it something I said?
It's everything I said.
People say they want honesty.
They don't. They want to live in a bubble.
They say they want to be challenged.
They don't. Except for my audience.
They love it, and I love them for it.
And I'm sorry,
I think that makes them better. Why?
Because I don't ask
what will please the audience.
I ask what is true,
and they're okay with that.
-They are--
-[audience cheering, applauding]
They are a unique group
of people who do not demand
to be pandered to
and, in fact, want me not to do that.
And it has been the honor of a lifetime
to try and lead a backlash to groupthink.
So many comedians who came before me,
some of whom won this award
and are heroic to me, Carlin, Pryor,
Leno, Carson, Robert Klein.
But if you ask me
who I really patterned myself after,
who my real role model is, Toto.
-Yes, that one, from The Wizard of Oz.
-[audience laughing]
Because he pulls back the curtain
and exposes who's a phony,
and that's all I've ever wanted to do.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Having a show
like Real Time is such a gift.
Every week, the brilliant staff,
and I do have such a brilliant,
quite brilliant staff.
Every week they bring to me,
bring to me,
so I can talk to them, the smartest,
most interesting people
in the country, and also politicians.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] This whole journey
would have been worth it
just for the friendships
that have occurred organically
from people who've been
on my shows, and even more so,
the people I work with.
I do the show,
but other people make the show happen.
Awesome, amazing producers,
writers, technicians, thinkers,
my EPs Sheila Griffiths
and Dean Johnson are here tonight.
[audience applauding]
[chuckles] And before them,
there was Scott Carter and Nancy Geller
and so many others
who believed in this project.
It is made for an awesome life,
and it's not even close to over.
Yeah, let's get that straight.
-[audience laughing]
-This would be a shitty feeling tonight
if I thought this was some kind
of a send-off, but I'm not going anywhere.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And--
-And I can't die. I have a contract.
-[audience laughing]
And HBO was really strict
about shit like that.
Yes, HBO, my home for 23 years
and over 42 ownership changes.
[audience applauding]
And I gotta tell you,
Real Time wasn't that good the first year.
No, but HBO is a place
that respects talent and treats you,
it certainly did me,
as good as they think you can be,
not as good as you are.
I don't have words strong enough
to say thank you for that.
I know it's fashionable in TV
to pretend that you hate your employer,
but that's mostly bullshit posing.
Oh, they gave you a shit ton of money
and let you do what you want?
-How awful.
-[audience laughing]
No, HBO has been more than employers.
They have been patrons,
protectors, and sometimes I needed it.
I fucked up sometimes,
you think I don't know that?
Yeah, but they had my back.
Nina Rosenstein, Casey Bloys,
Michael Lombardo, David Zaslav,
and before them, Richard Plepler,
Chris Albrecht, all of them had my back.
Good luck finding a lot
of that in Hollywood these days.
Well, there is one guy,
somebody else in that mold,
here tonight, Ted Sarandos,
sticks up for comics.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[Bill] We love that.
And even though
I was always on this rival network,
it never stopped Ted from saying publicly
the kindest things about me.
And thank you, Netflix,
for putting this show together. And--
[audience applauding]
The great thing about the relationship
that Ted and I have
is that since I don't work for him,
and since his shop doesn't really have
a place for the kind of show I do,
our relationship is pure.
We don't want anything from each other.
[chuckles] And I gotta tell you,
when I go out to dinner with Ted,
I see everybody comes over to the table
and just has to suck Ted's dick.
[audience laughing]
But I don't have to do that.
I do it because I like it.
[audience laughing]
Finally, I have one more thank you.
I would like to thank the haters.
-You know who you are.
-[audience applauding]
You have helped me more
than you could know.
Because of you, I never got complacent.
I never believed my own press
because there wasn't any.
I never phoned it in,
I never lost my edge,
and I never lost the bond I have
with my audience
because that's all I ever had
and all I ever needed.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
You're an amazing audience.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right. [chuckles]
Okay.
All right, I have
I have one more great joy for you.
Look, I am no Mark Twain scholar,
but I do know this.
He was honest as the day is long,
loved to take the piss
out of the powerful,
and was as righteous as a guy
as you'd ever want to meet.
Well, that's also this guy, a true friend.
He graciously gave up
one of his few days off
during his Dancing Words Tour,
The Greatest Hits Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my friend,
-John Mellencamp!
-[audience cheering, applauding]
[soft guitar music playing]
Well, there's a young man in a T-shirt
Listening to a rockin'
Rollin' station
He's got greasy hair, sleazy smile
He says
"Lord, this must be my destination"
'Cause they told me when I was younger
"Boy, you're gonna be president"
But just like everything else
Those old crazy dreams
Kinda came and went
Oh, but ain't that America
For you and me?
Ain't that America
Somethin' to see, baby?
Ain't that America?
Home of the free, yeah
Little pink houses for you and me
Well, there's people and more people
What do they know, know, know?
Go to work in some high rise
And they go vacation
Down at the Gulf of Mexico
Or whatever they call it now.
And there's winners and there's losers
But they ain't no big deal
'Cause the simple man, baby
Pays for the thrills
And the bills and the pills that kill us
From Big Pharma here in America
Ain't that America for you and me?
Ain't that America
Somethin' to see, baby?
Ain't that America?
Home of the free, yeah
Little pink houses for you and me
[audience cheering, applauding]
When I was a kid, uh,
back in the '50s and early '60s,
on Sunday night we would all gather around
and watch Ed Sullivan as a family.
In my house today,
on Friday night,
we all gather around and we watch Bill.
[audience applauding]
We've always-- I've enjoyed watching Bill
since the early days,
and, um, this is a song that he requested.
["Authority Song" playing]
They like to get you
In a compromising position
Well, they like to get you there
And smile in your face
Yeah, they think they're so cute
When they got you in that condition
But I think it's a total disgrace
If you know, sing it!
I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing!
I call up my preacher, I say,
"Give me strength for round five"
He said, "You don't need no strength
You need to grow up, son"
I said, "Growin' up leads
To growin' old and then to dyin'
And guess what?
Ooh, and dyin' to me don't sound
Like all that much fun"
And so I'll say
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
Yeah, all right!
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Kick it in, man!
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
So I say
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing.
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
All right!
-[song concludes]
-[audience cheering, applauding]
[instrumental rock music playing]
[presenter] Welcome
to the John F. Kennedy Center
for the Performing Arts
in Washington, D.C.
Please welcome the 27th recipient
of the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor, Bill Maher.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[Bill] Hey, guys.
Love you people.
Thank you everybody. Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
My God. Thank you.
How'd you get this seat?
Hey!
Let the band play.
[music concludes]
I am so proud
to be here in Washington, D.C.,
which I have just recently learned
is the nation's capital.
-[audience laughing]
-[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] For 27 years, the nation's
most prestigious prize in comedy
has been presented
to the biggest names in entertainment.
I was born in New York City.
The First Amendment is first for a reason.
The Second Amendment is just in case
the first one doesn't work out.
[audience laughing]
Can I get a "Hell yeah"?
[audience] Hell yeah!
How does it feel to have my hand
on your tiny little head?
I've had and I am still having
a great ride,
and this prize is the cherry
on top of the sundae. Ta-da!
Thank you for the most wonderful night
of my life. Thanks, everybody.
Thanks, you guys.
[presenter] Tonight, we add another name
to this pantheon
of American comedy legends.
Bill Maher.
[audience cheering]
[presenter] From the Kennedy Center
in Washington, D.C.,
welcome to the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor.
[music continues]
[presenter] Tonight's first guest was born
right here in Washington, D.C.
She's a comedian,
writer, actress, and podcaster.
Please welcome Whitney Cummings.
[audience cheering, applauding]
[music concludes]
Welcome to the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor
honoring comedy legend Bill Maher.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
This is easily the highest honor
for a comedian,
and I just want to start
by reminding everyone
that it takes a very specific person
to be a stand-up comedian,
but it takes an even more specific person
to choose to be a political one.
Becoming a political comedian
is like becoming a surgeon
and choosing colorectal.
[audience laughing]
This man chose to spend his life
dealing with assholes.
And if that metaphor was too weird,
I have another one
that could help you understand
how masochistic it is
to do what Bill Maher does.
Being a political comedian
is like being a sports commentator
who chooses to only talk
about the Washington Commanders.
-Oh. [chuckles]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
Or as Bill calls them, the Redskins.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Say what you want about Bill Maher,
but you can't say he's not a patriot.
For 30 years, Bill Maher
has selflessly dedicated his life
to using humor to unite a fraught nation,
relentlessly working to heal the divide
between the left and the right.
And congrats, Bill. Mission accomplished.
-[audience laughing]
-[laughs]
Bill is a loyal fighter
for equality and justice.
Day in and day out,
he's committed his life
to making sure that women,
people of color, and the disenfranchised
all have equal access
to the opinion of an unmarried,
childless white millionaire
for only 23 dollars a month.
[laughs]
For only 270 dollars a year,
anyone can watch Bill Maher
tell a Nobel Prize winning physicist
they don't know
what the fuck they're talking about.
In that one case, it was true.
Now, I'm sure you think
that I'm gonna make fun of Bill tonight
for never having been married,
but that's not the way
that I see it at all.
For 40 years,
Bill has been in a very committed,
very toxic relationship
with the United States of America.
Bill and America are like that couple
everyone thinks should get divorced,
but in Bill's mind,
if he can just get her to rehab
one more time,
she'll get back to being the Lady Liberty
he fell in love with,
not some manic depressive who gets
wasted and tries to buy Greenland.
[audience laughing]
Bill doesn't really let anything slide,
but he's also that cool stepdad
who's like, "Look, if you drink,
as long as you call me, I'll come
pick you up, no questions asked."
"But I am stoned,
so it's gonna take me a while
to come pick you up."
Well
Okay.
Bill is a warrior for free speech.
He believes you should be able
to say anything at any time,
especially when someone else
is mid-sentence.
Which I'm actually fine with.
Mark Twain once wrote,
"Few things are more irritating
than when someone who is wrong
is also very effective
in making his point."
I don't think Bill sees it
as interrupting someone.
I think he sees it
as not letting someone finish their lie.
And I think Mark Twain would approve.
Bill embodies the essence of Mark Twain
in more ways than you may even know.
I just found out
that they're similar with regards
to their business acumen.
Both men, very shrewd investors.
Mark Twain had actually put
all of his money into new technology,
including the revolutionary
Paige typesetting machine.
And Bill just went halfsies
on a weed store.
[audience laughing]
Hey, bro. [laughs]
With Woody Harrelson.
[audience cheering]
Bill Maher has always been ahead
of his time,
whether it's pushing
for the legalization of marijuana
or being chosen as The Advocate's
Person of the Year in 2006.
He was praised for speaking out
for gay marriage, which he made time to do
in between speaking out
against straight marriage.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
But being ahead of your time often comes
with some blowback and some criticism,
and I have news for Bill Maher's critics.
Comedians see backlash as a sign
that we're probably doing
something right, okay?
We all know that Bill got some heat
for having dinner with President Trump,
but everyone missed
that he went there to prove a point
that he's been trying to prove for years.
Seeing Donald Trump,
Dana White, and Kid Rock together
in the White House once and for all
proves there really is no God.
[audience laughing]
I'm just glad that we could
all celebrate Bill tonight,
even though, you know, Trump is now
the board chair of this venue.
I actually just found out, I didn't know,
he actually does have a lot
of power here, and he has say
in what productions go on here,
so enjoy this fall's three-month run
of White Hamilton.
[audience laughing]
Tonight, we celebrate
Bill Maher's huge body of work,
including his TV shows, his podcast,
and if you haven't seen
all of Bill's 13 stand-up specials,
I highly recommend
you watch them or re-watch them
because they're somehow
even funnier and more relevant today.
I love seeing Bill do stand-up
in his happy place on stage alone,
not pretending to listen
to other people talk. Let's roll the clip.
I mean, his economic theory
was called trickle down.
[audience laughing]
They're actually saying,
"We're pissing on you."
[audience laughing]
"That's the theory.
We have all the money." [laughs]
"If we drop some, that's yours.
Go for it, man."
You know, we have the Bill of Rights.
We need a corresponding
Bill of Responsibilities. [chuckles]
You know,
free speech used to be a liberal thing,
but then they got it in their head
that getting their feelings hurt
was more important
than the First Amendment.
They do this all the time.
They do something nutty,
and then they blame me for noticing.
[audience laughing]
And say, "Oh, you're a Republican now."
I'm not a Republican,
and I never have been,
so let's get that shit off the table.
I'm not a Republican for all the reasons
I never have been before.
They're too religious.
They're fiscal hypocrites
who absolutely hate it
when America spends money it doesn't have,
except when they're in office,
and then it's always perfectly okay.
[audience applauding, cheering]
They're in denial about racism,
which is still a thing.
They think climate change is a hoax
and the weather girl's tits are real.
[audience laughing]
Democrats still need to do
one more study to cover their ass.
So, they did a study to find out
whether having gays in the ranks
would impede readiness.
Yeah, exactly. How do you even study this?
"Uh, Johnson, get in here and blow me"
[audience laughing]
"while I fire this rifle
at those targets down there."
"Let me dig in here." [clears throat]
"And then we will repeat the experiment
when you're not blowing me."
[chuckles]
"And we'll see if it impedes readiness.
All right, here we go."
"A little to the left."
-"No, not you, you're perfect." [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
You know what makes me feel old?
The way people have sex in movies.
You know, I mean,
they're always so hot when they do it.
It's in an elevator
or they're up against a fence somewhere.
They just get inside
and clear shit off and go.
They just clear shit and go.
[audience laughing]
Do you fuck like this?
Do you just get inside and clear and go?
You know, I'd be like,
"No, my mother gave me that."
The worst they said
that Michael Jackson ever did
was a little grabby-grabby
under the covers, which,
don't get me wrong,
I don't condone that either,
that's a crime.
But a little nuance, okay?
Because you know what?
When I was 12 years old,
I was once brutally beaten up
on the playground by two bullies,
just punched in the face.
And if I could go back to 1968
[laughs] trade that experience with being
gently masturbated by a pop star,
-I would do it in a New York minute.
-[audience laughing]
Frankie Valli could jerk me off.
Glen Campbell could jerk me off.
Tommy James & the Shondells
could jerk me off.
I said from the beginning,
he was never going to concede if he lost.
Everyone was like,
"Oh, Bill, you smoke too much pot."
Well, apparently I smoke
just the right amount of pot.
You know who I feel sorry
for in America is whores.
[audience laughing]
Because what can a whore wear anymore?
-You know
-[audience applauding]
What can a whore wear
to signal to the prospective customer,
"No, I'm a real whore.
I'm selling this ass."
"I'm not on my way to an award show.
I'm a whore."
"A real whore."
[audience laughing]
Bill, you've done so much for comedy,
and you've done so much for this country.
I think my favorite thing about you
is that you don't pretend it's cool
to hate America.
No other country could make a Bill Maher,
and I don't even wanna know
what this country
would look like without you.
I love you. Thank you. Congratulations.
[audience cheering]
-Thank you, Whitney. Love you.
-[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] He's a multi-award-winning
comedian, actor, and author.
Please welcome Louis C.K.
[music concludes]
Thank you.
All right. I'd like to talk
about Bill, uh, on a personal level.
He doesn't offer much
about himself personally
except for that he doesn't like kids
and he smokes a lot of pot
and he thinks God's stupid.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
So he's not a guy who really gives
a shit what people think of him.
He doesn't need you,
that's a rare thing for comedians,
he doesn't need you
to think he's a good guy.
But he is.
And I have a personal story that, like,
I've known Bill for a long time.
Now, we weren't friends for a long time.
I just would be on his show,
because I could get on shows.
And so I'd do the show.
I'm not really good at politics.
So after the show, he'd go, "Yeah."
And I'd go, "Thanks."
I always thought, you know, I don't know,
"He's maybe kind of a dick,
but he's okay."
Anyway, then my career
took a turn, uh, downward,
-depending on how you
-[audience laughing]
depending on how you look at it.
And now I was outcast, truly.
And I heard from Bill.
It was the first time I heard
from him personally.
He wrote to me,
and he offered for me to be on his show.
He said, "We could talk about you,
or we could just talk about anything,
just to give you some air."
He said, "I want to throw you a rope."
That's what he said.
And no one else was making
any kind of offer like this in my life.
So it meant a great deal to me.
Anyway, it turned out to be a scam.
It wasn't him. It was a
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
-But it made me think of him. No.
-[audience laughing]
He did. He offered to help me
when nobody else would.
It meant a lot to me. And then we became
friends by email. We wrote a lot.
And I got to know a little bit about him
and how he functions as a person.
I always was a fan of his.
His show is great,
and he's a hilarious comedian.
He's biting. He's funny.
But I didn't know him as a person.
Later, he had me on his show.
I wrote a novel.
I said, "Can I come on your show
and promote my novel?"
And he read my novel.
Most of my friends haven't read my novel.
I haven't read Bill's novel. He wrote one.
I would never read his novel.
But he read it, had me on,
and he let me promote it on his show,
which was also a kindness.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that,
look, Bill is a brilliant guy,
and he's also a gutsy guy,
but the fulcrum of it
is that he's a good guy.
He has a heart.
I think that's what runs who he is.
He is allergic to bullshit,
and he's passionately rational,
and he outwits people,
but not 'cause he's better than them,
but because he wants better for everybody.
That's the way I see him.
He's a good man.
And also, as a comedian,
I want to say that what gets overlooked
is that he's very fucking funny. You know?
He goes out there,
says stuff that nobody else will say.
He speaks to both sides,
against both sides,
but he's funny every night.
He has a show on once a week,
and every single time,
he makes me laugh really hard,
at least twice per show,
and that is really difficult to do,
I'm telling you.
It's really hard to be consistently funny
and to put out comedy specials.
I'm saying this with some vehemence,
because I think that he's underrated,
and I'm really happy
that he's here tonight,
and I'm really happy
that he's getting this award
and this recognition.
I think Bill's a great comic.
[audience cheering, applauding]
So Bill has earned this tribute
by being a constant and hilarious force
in American comedy for many years.
And to give you an idea of his career,
somebody cut together a bunch of clips,
which are narrated by Katie Couric.
And I'm here now to invite you
to watch those results.
-So here you go. Thanks.
-[audience applauding]
Yeah, yeah.
Would you welcome, please, Bill Maher.
[Katie] Growing up,
he wanted to be like Johnny Carson.
Funny,
but with serious political influence.
-And you must be getting a lot.
-I don't want to talk about it here.
[Katie] He wound up doing
a very different kind of talk show,
and he influenced people
in a very different way.
But all in all, his dreams came true.
Maybe I should
[Katie] It began as it does with
so many comedians, with funny parents.
Bill, a Catholic radio newsman,
and Julie, a Jewish nurse,
met overseas during World War II
and did what few people
with their religious backgrounds
did in 1951. They got married.
And from this union was born one
of Johnny Carson's favorite jokes.
I come from a mixed marriage,
which means my mother is Jewish
and my father is Catholic.
That is the truth.
I was raised Catholic formally,
although I must say
the Jewish mind comes out
even in the Catholic system.
I'll give you an example.
We used to go into confession,
and I would bring a lawyer
in with me. [chuckles]
[audience laughing, applauding]
It's true.
Yeah.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
I think you know Mr. Cohen."
[Katie] Even back then, he was edgy.
Yeah, I just want to meet
an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.
I never understood these,
you know, people who get nine
Liz Taylor going for nine, you know.
Three is good. You know what I'm saying?
Jay, I guess you could say London
has Big Ben, but here in America,
we've got the big ball.
[Katie] He would never lose that edge,
and it would allow him
to become the guy so many turned to
to dissect the news.
-Oh, please.
-[audience cheering]
[Katie] But it was hardly
an uninterrupted path to being a pundit.
Along the way, there were sitcoms.
I like women a lot more than you do.
I treat them with respect and affection.
I don't want to hear
about your hang-ups, Dennis.
-[Katie] B-movies
-Oh my God, you're marinating me!
and getting punched
in the face on Pictionary.
[audience cheering]
[Katie] At 36,
he decided enough was enough.
It was time to be
what he always wanted to be,
a talk show host,
but one who didn't have
to hide his politics.
Okay, well, thank you and I'm Bill Maher
and this is Politically Incorrect.
You've said that 1995 is the Year
of the Penis. What can we expect?
This is a really, really,
really white town.
Uh, I'm having a real hard time
trying to find haircare products.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
Certainly don't want any violence.
Let's bring her out! Monica!
[audience booing]
Who is writing this stuff?
It's unbelievable.
What about suggesting that parents
watch their kids instead of trying,
as we seem to be doing,
to childproof the world?
[Katie]
Politically Incorrect was different.
It could be ridiculous one minute
and profound the next.
The host called it a designed train wreck.
Of course you are, 'cause you are
the most hypersensitive people
in the United States of America.
You will treat me and every other woman
with respect and dignity!
[Katie] And then one night,
the train really went off the rails.
Always in a little bit of trouble,
in 2001, Bill got in a lot of trouble.
He went out the way he came in,
pulling no punches.
I think religion is bad
and drugs are good.
[audience laughing, cheering]
I think America causes cancer,
longevity is less important than fun,
and young people should be
discouraged from voting.
[Katie] Plainly, what this man needed
was to work at a place
where sponsors couldn't pull out,
because there were no sponsors.
As I was saying, before I was
so rudely interrupted eight months ago
Conservatives govern without shame,
and liberals shame without governing.
I try not to be too mean, but I mean
Well, I don't try that hard.
My relationship with the audience
is the relationship of my life.
Move further away from me, please.
You smoke too much pot.
You have a show where right
and left talk to each other.
President Trump is going
to run for a third term.
Here it is, the Constitution.
Maybe you should have this.
[audience laughing]
You are the most gorgeous old lady
in the world.
That's my truth.
That's the way I was born.
-That's what my body's telling me to do.
-Preach, Bill, preach!
I just called him a bad motherfucker.
When the sea levels rise,
we could lose Florida.
And who would know better
about losing Florida?
It's why I've always treated the audience
like they're my friend,
-and I mean a real friend.
-Relax, liberal audience.
Let him get his bullshit out
before you boo him.
I'm still on the air and you're not,
but go ahead.
[audience exclaiming]
-[Chris] I love this show.
-I do too.
Honestly, God, I love this show.
I'm just wondering who on my staff
agreed to accept this gig.
-So, you're gonna debate Newsom?
-We are.
You know he's taller and better looking.
We don't agree on everything,
and we don't have to,
because friends
don't leave each other over that.
We even fight sometimes,
because honesty is love,
and friends don't bullshit each other.
[audience applauding]
Bill, you're a funny motherfucker,
you're a good man,
and congratulations on this award.
Thanks, man.
Thank you, my friend.
-Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering]
[Bill] Here's us this last year in Hawaii
after you had given up pot,
and there we are with Jeff Ross.
And you know, you look, uh
You look okay, but not ecstatic, and, uh
But here's the year before
when we were completely baked.
-All right, I'm just saying.
-[audience laughing]
That's a strong case.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
[upbeat music playing]
[presenter]
He's a film and television star,
a friend,
and business associate of Bill's.
-Please welcome Woody Harrelson.
-[audience cheering]
[Woody] Howdy.
-Finally, an award for my dear friend.
-[audience laughing]
Ironically, at the Trump Kennedy Center
No, right, we fixed that.
-Uh
-[audience cheering, applauding]
I've known Bill a long,
long time since back when he was funny.
-[audience laughing]
-Uh
Bill and I had 25 good years. Then we met.
We had a shared policy
of breaking the law with regularity.
We marveled at the arrogance
of our government
to outlaw a plant that,
according to law enforcement,
makes you feel euphoric.
Why doesn't our government want us happy?
Maybe keeping us in constant fear
is a better strategy.
And perhaps this is what drives Bill.
He wants to get Uncle Sam off our backs.
[audience cheering]
Tonight we're here to honor Bill Maher
with the Mark Twain Prize.
[audience cheering]
My God, the wit of this man,
the brilliant political satire,
the insight into all that goes on
in the world. I love Mark Twain.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
And when it comes to gargantuan talent
like Twain and Maher,
sometimes it's hard to tell who said what.
For example, who said this?
"Truth is the most valuable thing
we have, so let's economize it."
Mark Twain, yeah. How about this?
"Congress could talk for a week
without ever getting rid of an idea."
Mark Twain, obviously. How about this?
"Who is the country?
Is it the government or the republic?"
"The government is merely a servant,
a temporary one."
"Its function is to obey orders,
not to originate them."
Mark Twain, again, of course, yeah.
I know Bill said some cool things too,
I just can't recall any of them.
-Yeah, yeah. [laughs]
-[laughs]
And now we have a dispensary together
in West Hollywood.
[audience cheering]
Thank you. You've been?
I mean, the most beautiful dispensary
in the world. It's called "The Woods."
And I'm sorry, 'cause I swore
that I would not use this platform
for self-promotion.
You know, a lot of folks go on Real Time
or Club Random just to self-promote.
-I go on just to get fucked up.
-[audience laughing]
I mean, Bill always has the best herb.
As he should, he gets it from The Woods.
No, sorry,
I'm not gonna mention The Woods again.
And by the way,
I never mentioned The Woods,
not even once, on Brothers,
the show that I did
with Matthew McConaughey
that's coming out on Apple in September.
[audience laughing, applauding]
No, sorry, Bill. You deserve better.
He says it like it is.
The opinion you hear is his
and not the network's,
which led to his ouster from ABC
a couple of decades ago, luckily.
And he's been with HBO ever since.
Well, you know,
since back when HBO had standards.
[audience laughing]
While we're both outspoken
about our beliefs,
and some of those beliefs
are not always popular,
he contends that he gets shit
for everything he says,
whereas I get a pass
because everyone
just loves good old Woody.
Well, I'm the guy
America fell in love with on Cheers,
and that love affair continues unabated,
so new rule, Bill, get over it.
-[chuckles]
-[audience cheering, laughing]
[chuckles]
By his own admission,
Bill is not in it for the likes.
Look at this billboard HBO ran
for him once.
Yep, "He's not in it for the likes."
He must have loved that billboard
because this year,
look, they did it again.
[audience laughing]
"Still not in it for the likes."
Dude, you can't have it both ways.
You can't bitch about not being liked
for what you say,
and then run a billboard
where you're bragging about it, twice.
[laughs]
Except for one thing. Truth be told,
not caring if you're liked,
especially in this era
of extreme partisanship,
not to mention cowardice,
is something to brag about.
It is a commodity
that you cannot really find anywhere
but with Bill.
Yes, other people keep it real
to varying degrees,
but if you really want
the "No bullshit, this is how it is,
and I don't care who likes it" take,
and always a smart take,
not a take just to be a contrarian,
you either go to Bill Maher
or you live without it.
Yeah.
Hold on, hold on.
I got something breaking through the fog.
Uh, okay, who said this?
"In this country,
you're guilty till proven wealthy."
-Bill said it.
-[audience applauding]
Or "If you have a gun,
you can rob a bank,
but if you have a bank,
you can rob everyone."
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
And finally, "The reason I love my dog
so much is because when I come home,
he's the only one in the world
who treats me like I'm The Beatles."
[chuckles]
I couldn't agree with your dog more, Bill.
You're my Ringo. Yeah.
[audience cheering, applauding]
It's a great thing to be friends
with people you admire.
But Bill, I not only admire you,
but you are one of the funniest,
smartest, and bravest people I know.
Congratulations
for this well-deserved award.
-I love you, brother.
-I love you, too.
[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
-[upbeat music playing]
Thank you, bro.
-Bill, it's your old pal, Jerry.
-[music concludes]
We started out together
in Manhattan in the '70s,
in New York City,
and now, we made it. We did it.
I'm in Las Vegas.
You're getting the Mark Twain Prize.
-[audience cheering]
-And I have some people here
who wanna help me congratulate you
on this fantastic honor.
-Please meet my friends.
-[audience cheering]
Congratulations.
Thank you, that's great.
It's great. Thank you very much.
[mellow music playing]
[presenter] He can yell
at the right, he can yell at the left,
but he's always yelling
from a place of common sense.
He is arguably the most recognizable
and influential personality
in sports media, Stephen A. Smith.
[audience applauding]
Good evening, everybody.
Bill Maher,
what can I say about this brother?
He keeps it real.
You can't tell me he doesn't do that.
He does something else I like as well.
He puts ideas in the water.
If it's mainstream now,
he was saying it 20 years ago.
So, he's not mainstream.
He's upstream, and it ain't always easy
because pioneers get all the arrows.
Y'all know that.
And it's the lead dog
who gets his ass bit.
People get confused by this dude a lot.
Is he a comic? Is he a pundit?
Well, the answer's yes,
yes, comic, pundit.
Why can't you be both?
Hello, this is the Mark Twain Prize.
What he ain't
is an investigative journalist.
Get it right.
He doesn't break news stories.
He breaks new ways of looking at stories.
The media is always saying,
"Is he too liberal?"
"Is he too conservative?"
He's just incapable of lying.
Whatever party or faction you're in,
if you've got spinach on your teeth,
he's gonna tell you about it.
Plain and simple.
He and I, we both get accused sometimes
of playing devil's advocate.
Well, guess what?
We ain't doing that tonight.
Don't blame it on the devil.
If you don't like what we're saying, fine.
But it's all of us.
We don't need any help from the devil.
The other thing
not everyone gets about him,
and another thing
that makes him different
is he's a guy you can actually hang with.
I mean, really hang.
Look, y'all, I did this Club Random thing,
this Club Random Podcast twice.
I mean, I think I did.
[audience laughing]
I don't actually remember.
It was the first time
I've gotten a contact high.
I was high as shit.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
It's hard to imagine
getting down like that with Scott Pelley.
I don't think that's possible.
All right, I just don't, I just don't.
And I'm not here
saying nice things about Bill
just because he's let it be known
that he thinks I should run for president.
-Yes!
-[audience applauding]
You know? Which, by the way,
I consider a very flattering way
of asking me to take a pay cut.
[audience laughing]
But it's an indication
of how much I value Bill's opinion
that it made me reconsider,
maybe I should.
I decided to leave it up to the universe.
And then the Knicks won
for the first time in 53 years.
[audience applauding]
And I took it as a sign,
"Stay in the world of sports, all right?"
Being president might be fun,
but I think Bill and I both love
what we do too much to do anything else.
We get to tell people what we think,
what we really think,
and we're lucky enough that some of them
actually want to hear it.
Even better, it gets through to some
who don't want to hear it at all.
There's a song this man makes me think of.
A lot of people have sung it.
A lot of people would like
to have it sung about them,
but I doubt if anyone deserves it
more than Bill Maher.
As the song "My Way" by Paul Anka says,
"For what is a man, what has he got?"
"If not himself, then he has not."
"To say the things he truly feels
and not the words of one who kneels."
"The record shows
I took the blows and did it my way."
[audience applauding]
Thank you. Wow.
Like they say on reality shows,
the most important thing
is just you doing you.
But what if you is a big asshole?
[audience laughing, applauding]
Democrats, for all their flaws,
still see democracy
as the essence of America.
They see America and democracy
as inextricably linked.
They believe
that one without the other is unthinkable.
Republicans? Thinkable.
You know all those old movies
you think are cringe?
Well, they're cringe
because America changed,
because we modernized
way more than most societies have.
Our current Congress is the most racially
and ethnically diverse ever.
They're like a beautiful, useless rainbow.
-[audience laughing]
-[chuckles]
Going where the American people are
on crime and immigration,
"Gosh, it's so crazy it just might work."
See, that's how
you get these things called votes.
-And--
-[audience laughing]
And once you do, you can take office.
-I-- [chuckles]
-[audience laughing]
I know it's more fun
to make memes of Trump
sucking Elon's toes, but
[audience laughing, applauding]
But John Fetterman doesn't play that game.
He says, "I don't give a fuck."
"I left all my fucks in my other pants
and I don't wear pants."
[audience laughing, applauding]
Taylor Swift went from writing songs
about what a dick this guy was to her
and what a dick this guy was to her
to what a dick this guy has.
[audience laughing, applauding]
She dated a procession of skinny,
fey, gay-adjacent, meek,
porcelain doll, shy guy,
twink-like, tortured poet,
and metrosexuals in America and Europe.
But the second
she got some old-school wood
-from the heartland, it was game over.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
According to the internet,
what I did with my "comments"
at the Globes was laugh, scoff,
mock, take a dig at, and refuse
to join Golden Globes activism.
Golden Globes activism?
[audience laughing]
Oh, you mean the activism
of fixing a fucking pin to my suit?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-Um
I'm sorry, it clashed with my keffiyeh.
There's no such thing as karma, sorry.
-[audience laughing]
-[clears throat]
Sorry, but life is random.
The only word to describe it
when a big game hunter gets trampled
by an elephant,
and then eaten by lions is hilarious.
[audience laughing]
That's another scary thing about AI,
the people who run it,
i.e., the people who run the world.
And it's like five guys,
five guys who between them
and working as a team
couldn't correctly read a social cue.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I wouldn't let these guys
around a mixed drink,
let alone my personal data.
[audience laughing, applauding]
So just to be clear
what we're doing here,
we're letting a handful of hoodie-wearing,
on-the-spectrum sociopaths,
practically robots themselves,
roll the dice on species extinction.
You see an out-of-control robot
and you run.
Mark Zuckerberg sees one
and thinks, "Dad?"
[audience laughing, applauding]
It is a complete honor to be here tonight
doing what I do as a profession,
to have somebody like you
setting the standard
every single week the way that you do.
I can't say it enough.
You're smart as hell. You know the issues.
But the greatest gift is your courage,
your courage to tell the truth,
your courage to be unapologetic about it.
It's an inspiration to all of us
in the industry and beyond.
Congratulations. Love you, bro.
-All the best to you.
-[blows kiss] Love you, back. Thank you.
[audience applauding]
-Thank you so much. Oh, my God.
-[mellow music playing]
I know this is hokey to do
on national television.
[guests chuckle]
-But
-[Ariana chuckles]
[audience cheering, applauding]
[speaks indistinctly]
Arianna. [chuckles]
I
Would you be the first guest
on my new show?
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-[laughs]
If you'll just If you can sign here.
And here, and you'll, uh
-[kisses]
-[lively music playing]
[audience applauding]
[presenter]
She is a co-founder of HuffPost,
the founder and CEO of Thrive Global,
and the author of 15 books.
Time recognized her as one of the most
influential people in the world.
Here's Arianna Huffington.
[music concludes]
Good evening.
I met Bill on my first appearance
on Politically Incorrect in 1993.
I was really nervous
because I thought
nobody would understand my accent.
But Bill reassured me
that in American public life,
you can never overestimate the advantages
of complete and total incomprehensibility.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
That was the beginning
of a very long and deep friendship.
He's been there
for every milestone in my life.
The most incredibly loyal
and steadfast friend.
When he found out that my divorce
was about to be finalized,
he said, "Okay, the day it comes through,
you come and do Politically Incorrect,
we'll go to dinner after the show,
and you won't even think about it."
And that's exactly what happened.
That's dinner with Bill.
You forget about all your problems
and you just laugh.
Two hours later,
I couldn't even remember why I was sad
or that I had ever been married.
-[laughs, applauds]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
My mother came to love Bill,
and so did my daughters.
And they also loved Bill's girlfriends,
because, you know,
-they were more their age.
-[audience laughing]
-And And they still are.
-[audience laughing]
Comedy is ultimately
about calling bullshit.
And Bill's been calling bullshit
for his whole life.
And he's willing to take
a lot of heat for it
in order to create space
for others to do the same.
That was never more evident than
in September 2001.
Six days after the attacks,
Bill was back
to hosting Politically Incorrect.
And since we've shared so many milestones,
I was actually on that show.
Using the freedoms
we had just been attacked for,
Bill pointed out that whatever else
you could say about the terrorists,
they were monsters,
but they were not cowards.
A manufactured scandal ensued.
And Bill managed to get canceled,
before being canceled was a thing.
-[laughs]
-[audience laughing]
Even before social media existed.
He did it the old fashioned artisanal way.
[audience laughing]
But he also did it his own fearless
and undaunted way.
For Mark Twain,
satire was a way of keeping citizens
from being shriveled into sheep.
And Bill has taken on that mantle,
never relinquishing,
speaking his brilliant and funny mind.
He has so much in his life,
but there are two things I've always
wanted him to have that he doesn't.
The first is children.
I remember having him over for dinner,
and my children were little,
and I thought to myself,
if I take him upstairs
to see how adorable children are
when they are sleeping,
-he will obviously change his mind.
-[audience laughing]
"Why?", he protested,
"Why should I see them asleep?"
"Just to see them exhausted
and passed out like drunken sailors?"
The second is faith.
Bill knows
how important my spirituality is to me,
and the world knows that he's an atheist.
But he also had such a sense
of the mystery of the universe.
It might be an oxymoron,
but I think
he's actually a mystical atheist.
In the lingo of the moment,
I think Bill is a biological believer
-who now identifies as an atheist.
-[audience laughing]
And now I'm delighted
to introduce some nuggets from Religulous,
the hysterically funny documentary
that finally gave atheists something
to cheer at the movies.
[audience applauding]
I used to be a lonely pioneer out there
on the atheist trails, and now
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[Bill] Wow.
It's like anal. Everyone's doing it.
[upbeat music playing]
-[music concludes]
-Put that away.
I do not receive a salary from the church.
I do not take a salary from the church.
-You take it right out of the pot.
-No.
My big thing is I don't know.
That's what I preach.
I preach the gospel of "I don't know."
Of course you didn't go to church with us.
No. We never had a family discussion.
[Bill] We never had
a family discussion about that.
Every family is dysfunctional.
So you thought even this,
which wasn't your religion
was better than no religion.
Well, even this only told
you good things, I thought
I think these debates are a lot
I'm willing to discuss them
in terms of facts and not fictions.
When you disagree with me, it's a fiction.
-Let me finish. God is compassionate.
-[chuckles]
Everything is directly
from God, we believe.
But it seems to me
Wait, I'll now explain
that point that you're asking.
The concept of saying
that we've suffered enough anti-Semitism
Never again.
So, you don't say never again.
-No.
-You say again.
-[cell phone buzzing]
-Sorry.
[chuckles] Oh,
that 21st century always busting in.
Who are you, biblically?
I'm Jesus Christ's man,
the second coming of Christ.
I am. The Old Testament speaks
about me clearly,
and the New Testament also.
About you, personally?
Not just because you share the name Jess.
-No, no, not because of that.
-Because you also share the name Miranda.
-Maybe you're Carmen Miranda.
-[Jess] Yeah, right.
Maybe the second coming of her.
You should have fruit on your head
instead of fruit in your head.
[both chuckle]
[Bill] So, of course, the reason
why we're here is because you're,
I guess we would say, ex-gay.
You used to be gay,
and then you married someone
who used to be a lesbian,
and you have three children,
and I guess the jury's out on them.
Nobody's born gay.
-There's no scientific
-[Bill] Really?
Have you ever met Little Richard?
I think it's very interesting
that, uh, you're a Christian now,
you were a Muslim,
and when you get your clothes,
you buy them like a Jew.
Do you think it's possible
that when we're on something
like marijuana or mushrooms,
and we believe we're having
a very spiritual experience,
that we're just high?
-It's
-Look out! Your head's on fire.
Boy, talking
about the light bulb going off,
that was your whole head.
-Hi.
-Seen you around.
-Welcome to our world. [chuckles]
-I've seen you around.
So, when you go out to dinner,
do people recognize you?
[man] I don't like the way
this thing's going.
I don't know
what this documentary's supposed to be,
but I don't like where you're going.
You start disputing my God,
and you've got a problem.
-Stop there for just a moment.
-Let me stop this whole thing.
-No, no, no.
-No.
-No.
-No?
No. I'm wrong about everything.
[audience applauding]
No, Bill, you're definitely
not wrong about everything,
just about faith.
But even though we don't agree on faith,
I treasure our friendship.
And I'm so honored to be here
to share and celebrate
one more milestone with you.
This is such a richly deserved award.
And, Bill, now against your will,
you will be getting at least
one form of immortality.
[all laugh]
-Congratulations. I love you.
-[audience applauding]
-[kisses] Thank you. Love you. Thank you.
-[upbeat music playing]
You could still be in the movie.
You're just not the love interest.
I'd like to get the girl.
I'd like to sit opposite
the girl over candlelight.
Well, you can't.
Is there a conspiracy theory
you don't believe?
No, I'm telling you. I tell the truth.
People will care about you
until the day you die on the sidewalk.
-No.
-[chuckles]
-Oh, no. Your house burned down.
-Look at this.
You know, but your campaign is fire.
-I mean, I [laughs]
-[spits]
Oh, fucking spit takes
is the greatest thing in the world.
It's up there with orgasm.
-It really is.
-Well
[both laugh]
[upbeat music playing]
[presenter] Here to present
the Mark Twain Prize
is one of Bill's oldest friends,
who received this honor himself
in 2014, Jay Leno.
[audience applauding]
-Thank you very much.
-[music concludes]
For only the second time
in our nation's capital,
there is a big,
beautiful Bill in Washington,
ladies and gentlemen, yes!
[all laughing, applauding]
Actually, a lot of controversy.
You know, the Kennedy Center
was not Bill's first choice,
but the Playboy Mansion was unavailable.
Now, somebody might not know this
about Bill.
He's not just an intellectual.
He is a jock. He's an athlete as well.
Plays basketball regularly
for many years.
In fact, a couple of coaches told me
he had a better shot at the NBA
than he did at winning an Emmy.
So I think that was it.
-Yeah. That's pretty good.
-[audience laughing]
Do you know he's a part owner
of the New York Mets? Did you know that?
In fact, we used to call him the umpire
because any given moment,
-half the crowd would hate him.
-[audience laughing]
You know, Bill and I used to talk
about that all the time.
I said, you know,
reach out to the other side.
Try and see
if you can bring people more in.
-He did. And now both sides hate him.
-[audience laughing]
But he doesn't give
He actually had dinner
with President Trump at the White House.
In fact, when J.D. Vance heard about it,
he said, "What was it like?"
[audience laughing]
And Bill is not a fan
of apologizing when he's right,
which explains
why he's never been married.
[audience laughing]
Bill has been doing this a long time,
but here's something nobody knows.
Give you an idea
of how long he's been on TV.
You know who his very first guest
on Politically Incorrect was?
Mark Twain.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Bill's show was canceled because
people didn't like something he said.
You know, canceling the host of a show
called Politically Incorrect
for saying something politically incorrect
is like being kicked off Naked and Afraid
for being naked and afraid.
[all laughing]
Bill has made a career out of saying
what good people don't want to say
and what bad people don't want to hear.
He says things others only have the guts
to say in anonymous tweets.
This is why he has the best
political show on television.
His guests are as diverse
as Marjorie Taylor Greene
and Joe Scarborough,
and as remarkably similar
as Jon Hamm and Kevin Bacon.
[audience laughing, applauding]
Bill has never wavered in his approach.
He's said funny things,
said things that made people mad,
made them uncomfortable,
said things that have got him applause,
said things that have got him boos,
made people angry.
But he's done so empowered by his belief
in the First Amendment guarantee
of freedom of speech.
I think it makes Bill a patriot,
a truly unique, American type of patriot.
And you know what else?
He makes a great friend.
Like this town, I live in a town
where an anonymous tweet,
an unsubstantiated rumor,
a story planted in a magazine
can get you blackballed,
you lose your job.
As Louis C.K. pointed out,
Bill doesn't run from this.
He invites you on his show
to tell your story,
whether you're right or wrong,
because he always wants
to help both sides.
I am so proud of my old friend
that he'll finally get a chance
to use that acceptance speech
that's been in his pocket
-since the '94 Emmys.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
It is my honor to present
the 27th Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor to my good friend,
Bill Maher.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[upbeat music playing]
[music concludes]
-[Bill] Thank you so much.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much. Thank you, Jay.
Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you very much.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is so
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]
[Bill] All right.
Thank you. Thank you so, so very much.
You have truly made this
one of the most memorable nights of my--
-[imitating Trump] Hold on. Hold on, Bill.
-[audience laughing]
-I'mma let you finish.
-[audience laughing]
[Matt] But I got to say,
I had one of the greatest
comedy careers of all time.
-Could you just--
-All time.
I just won an award. Can you just let me--
Quiet, piggy.
[audience laughing]
Why are we giving this low ratings,
lightweight jerk, the Mark Twain Award?
[audience laughing]
Mark Twain, who I knew very well.
We love Mark Twain. He's a great American,
great on terrorists, very strong.
I mean, he sailed the Mississippi,
which used to be called the Mistersippi
before the crazy Democrats
made it transition.
-These are sick people.
-[audience laughing]
These are sick people.
Making a river change its pronouns.
But I'll tell you one thing, Bill,
it is a much mightier than the very weak,
-Strait of Hormuz, okay?
-Look, look.
[audience laughing, applauding]
I know we've had our differences,
but I'm finally getting an award.
Can you just let me have my moment
to give my speech,
and then you can go back to zinging me
with all of your insults.
You know, I always wanted to say to you,
when I came to the White House,
you were very nice.
I brought that list of the 56 worst things
you'd ever said about a human being,
these horrible insults,
-and you were kind enough to sign it.
-You know what? Excuse me.
-[Bill] Really.
-[Matt] Don't get too excited, Bill.
I was using Biden's autopen, okay?
But, listen
It's a great list.
It's actually an amazing list.
Maybe the greatest list ever.
A lot of people are saying it, Bill.
Stupid, dopey, dummy,
dumbass, rather dumb guy, crazy,
sick, insane, wacko, very sad,
totally shot, loser, sleazebag,
dumbest man on television, shell of a man,
-big fail, highly overrated.
-Okay, I get it.
You don't think I'm perfect.
Well, Bill, you went back on our deal.
We had a deal.
You come to the White House.
I give you a steak.
-You go completely--
-No. No, no, no, no. No.
I gotta stop you there.
You keep saying that.
We never had any deal.
That dinner was always about
just having the two sides
talk to each other
instead of shouting at each other.
There was no quid pro quo.
Well, Bill, I'm going to be honest.
You were very nervous.
You had to have a drink right away,
very quickly--
Okay. You keep saying that too.
That's a bunch of bullshit also.
Yes, I had a drink before dinner,
as people do.
It's not that weird
to have a drink before dinner.
For God's sakes,
you work with Pete Hegseth.
-Okay.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
And why would I be nervous?
Like everybody else
who has the experience
of seeing you in private,
I found you not at all
to be so belligerent.
We all have the same question
when we see you that way.
-Why can't you always be that guy?
-Boring, Bill.
It is so boring.
Who would want to see that? Who?
-Who--
-Everybody!
Everybody would want to see that.
Everybody would want to see a guy
who doesn't just pull shit out of his ass.
I am the least full of shit president
in history, okay?
You just said you knew Mark Twain.
I did know Mark Twain.
He was on my first cabinet.
I fired him like a dog.
And if you don't believe me, Bill,
here's a picture of it.
-This is a picture, please. Look at that.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
I showed you all.
-Okay?
-All right.
All right. [chuckles] You got me there.
[audience laughing]
-But can I just do my speech now?
-I just I deserve this award, okay?
-I get so
-[audience laughing]
Excuse me. Stop laughing.
I get so many more laughs than this guy.
Why are you getting a comedy award?
Okay, remember when I took the Sharpie?
I drew the extra path of destruction
of the hurricane on the map.
That was funny stuff, Bill.
"Covfefe," that was a beauty, right?
-Remember that?
-Okay, okay, okay. You know what?
I see where this is going.
Let's just cut to the chase.
I know how this is gonna end.
You know how this is gonna end.
-Just take it. It's okay.
-Really?
-I'm used to losing awards.
-Thank you very much. Thank you, Bill.
Get back over here.
Matt Friend, everybody.
-[audience applauding, cheering]
-[normally] Thank you.
-That's my pal, Matt Friend. Thank you.
-Thank you.
With his amazing impression.
First of all, thank you so much, Bill,
for inviting me to be a part
of your richly deserved tribute.
Give it up for Bill one more time.
This is amazing. Unbelievable.
[audience applauding]
The first time I actually met Bill
was at his house.
I was a guest on Club Random,
which he records in his basement.
Typically, when a 25-year-old gets invited
to a Hollywood star's basement,
there's an NDA involved.
-However, nothing with Bill.
-[audience laughing]
I was a 25-year-old kid
who hadn't quite earned it yet,
and I have always deeply admired, how,
as we've seen throughout
this whole evening,
you simply refuse
to hate half the country.
The only side Bill has ever
been loyal to is the joke.
Bill's always been
an equal opportunity offender.
As he says
[imitating Bill] "The oath of office
I took was to comedy, okay?"
-I had to do it.
-Terrible.
You didn't think I was going to do it,
but I did.
-You've gotta do the Bill lip clack.
-[audience applauding]
[normally] So, from the youngest person
in the building,
apparently by far,
thank you so much, Bill.
And to toss it back to you, Johnny-style,
"The audience is in a wonderful mood."
"So, congratulations again,
to Mark Twain Prize recipient,
Bill Maher."
-"Bill, thank you."
-Thank you. Matt Friend.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you so much.
Thank you. That was hysterical.
All right, well,
we're still on the air, I guess.
So, I guess the president didn't show up,
that's okay.
Well, thank you, everybody,
and everybody who made
this night happen for me.
I gotta say, I learned so much
from this experience,
the main thing being
that people in this country
really take winning awards very seriously.
It's been mind-blowing to see how much
Americans see getting an award
as something that was bestowed by God.
They say, "You won!"
The same as when
the Knicks won the championship.
-But it's not
-[audience member applauds]
-Yeah, thank you, one guy.
-[audience laughing]
But it's not the same thing.
The Knicks won because
they actually beat the other team.
It's not an opinion.
But, show business awards
are just the opinion of who?
Sometimes you don't even know.
Usually just some very small
group of people
who are harboring
God knows what kind of taste or agenda.
Having said that,
thank you so much for this one.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
-I truly
[chuckles, smooches]
I truly appreciate it
and couldn't be more thrilled
to be part of the hypocrisy.
[audience laughing]
But all kidding aside,
this really does mean a lot to me.
Believe me, when they asked me
[chuckles] and called and said,
"Would you accept this?"
I said, "You don't have to ask me twice."
Of course, after the president tried
to get the show canceled,
-they actually did have to ask twice.
-[audience laughing]
So, my speech tonight
will be mostly thank yous,
as it should be,
to all the people who have believed in me,
supported me, fanboyed me,
wrote for me, produced me, loved me,
and above all, stood by me.
Because you know, once in a while
I did get in a spot of trouble.
I can barely express how much I love
the people who came here for me,
I respect the fuck out of all these people
and will be forever in their debt.
[audience applauding, cheering]
My comic buddies,
my brethren and sister in stand-up,
Whitney and Louie and Jay,
my confessor in chief, Arianna Huffington,
and the next president
of the United States,
-Stephen A. Smith.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
And, of course,
my brother from another stoner,
-Woody Harrelson.
-[audience laughing]
Yeah, this guy published
Huckleberry Finn in 1885,
-the same year Jay did his first open mic.
-[audience laughing]
It was 20 years
after the end of the Civil War
and I gotta tell you,
racism was still pretty popular
and so the book
being explicitly anti-racist
was panned by the conservatives of the day
who wanted to ban it.
And today,
because the book uses racist language,
again, importantly,
in the service of mocking racism,
the silly purists on the left
want to ban it now,
which just shows
that if you hang around long enough
and create something important enough,
everyone hates you at some point.
And that's when you know
you're doing it right.
[audience applauding]
Now, the president,
when he's in attack mode,
never fails to say
that I am "part of the lunatic left."
Okay, well, he's not wrong
that there is one.
I'm just not part of it.
And there sure is a lunatic right.
And when either side gets mad at me
because I put them in jokes,
jokes that work
[audience laughing]
my message to them is simple.
You want to not get mocked?
Stop being funny.
-Then the jokes won't work.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
But when you're ridiculous, they do work.
And when people laugh, you're caught.
Laughter is involuntary.
It's people's inescapable truth defector,
whether they want to believe it or not.
And if you asked me
what I'm proudest of in my whole life,
and tonight would be a good time to do it
[audience laughing]
it's simply staying on.
[scoffs] Staying on,
staying on the air for 33 years
without ever pulling a punch
on a show mostly without stars,
no offense to some of our guests
here tonight.
[audience laughing]
My second proudest accomplishment,
I would say, is maintaining my big secret.
Now, the image people have of me
is an unmarried, frequently high,
girl-crazy, atheist libertine.
But that is just a character
I play on television.
In reality, I live here in Bethesda
[audience laughing, applauding]
with my delicate wife, Sue,
and our two homeschooled children,
-Margaret and Thatcher.
-[audience laughing, applauding]
But if you ask me
what I actually live for,
like live for in all seriousness,
it is one thing,
to be a hero to my audience.
Not a savior,
because no one can be that. Sorry, JC.
But a hero,
someone who comes through for them.
I want them to feel
like there's this thing that I do for them
that they can't get quite anywhere else,
and so I have to come through for them.
I like that pressure.
During the week
when I am putting the show together,
sometimes there's a bit, a joke, a line,
a thought about something that I just
can't wait to say on Friday night,
so I'll tell it to certain people.
And about half of them will say,
"Oh, you can't do that."
And the other half will say,
"Oh, you gotta do that."
Those are my peeps.
In my box tonight are eight people
who I love a lot because I know them well,
and one person who I love who I never met.
Because when they told me to pick
the eight people I wanted in the box,
I said, "One of them
has to represent the fans."
-[audience cheering]
-[Bill] That would be you. [chuckles]
Okay. So, thank you.
That is Lara Sasken of San Francisco.
-Nice to meet you.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
Thank you for honoring me
with coming here for this.
And thank you for being
that person who I've never met,
even though I've actually met you
thousands of times in coffee shops
and diners on the road,
in bars and restaurants
and airports and meets and greets
and parking lots
outside of theaters in every state.
-Well, not Wyoming.
-[audience laughing]
Sorry, it wasn't deliberate, Wyoming,
but even [chuckles]
the private planes don't go there.
[audience laughing]
I've said it a million times,
if I had to choose
between the 41 Emmys I've lost
and having the type of fans I have,
and by the way, I have had to choose that
[audience laughing]
it's the fans every time.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And--
And by the way,
lest you think that's a gag number,
41, like I'm saying,
"Oh, I lost a million Emmys."
No, no, no, that's a real number.
Forty-one nominations.
You'd think I'd have won once
just by clerical error.
[audience laughing]
I lost one year to the Yule log.
[audience laughing]
Is it something I said?
It's everything I said.
People say they want honesty.
They don't. They want to live in a bubble.
They say they want to be challenged.
They don't. Except for my audience.
They love it, and I love them for it.
And I'm sorry,
I think that makes them better. Why?
Because I don't ask
what will please the audience.
I ask what is true,
and they're okay with that.
-They are--
-[audience cheering, applauding]
They are a unique group
of people who do not demand
to be pandered to
and, in fact, want me not to do that.
And it has been the honor of a lifetime
to try and lead a backlash to groupthink.
So many comedians who came before me,
some of whom won this award
and are heroic to me, Carlin, Pryor,
Leno, Carson, Robert Klein.
But if you ask me
who I really patterned myself after,
who my real role model is, Toto.
-Yes, that one, from The Wizard of Oz.
-[audience laughing]
Because he pulls back the curtain
and exposes who's a phony,
and that's all I've ever wanted to do.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Having a show
like Real Time is such a gift.
Every week, the brilliant staff,
and I do have such a brilliant,
quite brilliant staff.
Every week they bring to me,
bring to me,
so I can talk to them, the smartest,
most interesting people
in the country, and also politicians.
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] This whole journey
would have been worth it
just for the friendships
that have occurred organically
from people who've been
on my shows, and even more so,
the people I work with.
I do the show,
but other people make the show happen.
Awesome, amazing producers,
writers, technicians, thinkers,
my EPs Sheila Griffiths
and Dean Johnson are here tonight.
[audience applauding]
[chuckles] And before them,
there was Scott Carter and Nancy Geller
and so many others
who believed in this project.
It is made for an awesome life,
and it's not even close to over.
Yeah, let's get that straight.
-[audience laughing]
-This would be a shitty feeling tonight
if I thought this was some kind
of a send-off, but I'm not going anywhere.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-And--
-And I can't die. I have a contract.
-[audience laughing]
And HBO was really strict
about shit like that.
Yes, HBO, my home for 23 years
and over 42 ownership changes.
[audience applauding]
And I gotta tell you,
Real Time wasn't that good the first year.
No, but HBO is a place
that respects talent and treats you,
it certainly did me,
as good as they think you can be,
not as good as you are.
I don't have words strong enough
to say thank you for that.
I know it's fashionable in TV
to pretend that you hate your employer,
but that's mostly bullshit posing.
Oh, they gave you a shit ton of money
and let you do what you want?
-How awful.
-[audience laughing]
No, HBO has been more than employers.
They have been patrons,
protectors, and sometimes I needed it.
I fucked up sometimes,
you think I don't know that?
Yeah, but they had my back.
Nina Rosenstein, Casey Bloys,
Michael Lombardo, David Zaslav,
and before them, Richard Plepler,
Chris Albrecht, all of them had my back.
Good luck finding a lot
of that in Hollywood these days.
Well, there is one guy,
somebody else in that mold,
here tonight, Ted Sarandos,
sticks up for comics.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-[Bill] We love that.
And even though
I was always on this rival network,
it never stopped Ted from saying publicly
the kindest things about me.
And thank you, Netflix,
for putting this show together. And--
[audience applauding]
The great thing about the relationship
that Ted and I have
is that since I don't work for him,
and since his shop doesn't really have
a place for the kind of show I do,
our relationship is pure.
We don't want anything from each other.
[chuckles] And I gotta tell you,
when I go out to dinner with Ted,
I see everybody comes over to the table
and just has to suck Ted's dick.
[audience laughing]
But I don't have to do that.
I do it because I like it.
[audience laughing]
Finally, I have one more thank you.
I would like to thank the haters.
-You know who you are.
-[audience applauding]
You have helped me more
than you could know.
Because of you, I never got complacent.
I never believed my own press
because there wasn't any.
I never phoned it in,
I never lost my edge,
and I never lost the bond I have
with my audience
because that's all I ever had
and all I ever needed.
Thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen.
You're an amazing audience.
-[audience cheering, applauding]
-Thank you.
Thank you so much.
All right. [chuckles]
Okay.
All right, I have
I have one more great joy for you.
Look, I am no Mark Twain scholar,
but I do know this.
He was honest as the day is long,
loved to take the piss
out of the powerful,
and was as righteous as a guy
as you'd ever want to meet.
Well, that's also this guy, a true friend.
He graciously gave up
one of his few days off
during his Dancing Words Tour,
The Greatest Hits Tour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome my friend,
-John Mellencamp!
-[audience cheering, applauding]
[soft guitar music playing]
Well, there's a young man in a T-shirt
Listening to a rockin'
Rollin' station
He's got greasy hair, sleazy smile
He says
"Lord, this must be my destination"
'Cause they told me when I was younger
"Boy, you're gonna be president"
But just like everything else
Those old crazy dreams
Kinda came and went
Oh, but ain't that America
For you and me?
Ain't that America
Somethin' to see, baby?
Ain't that America?
Home of the free, yeah
Little pink houses for you and me
Well, there's people and more people
What do they know, know, know?
Go to work in some high rise
And they go vacation
Down at the Gulf of Mexico
Or whatever they call it now.
And there's winners and there's losers
But they ain't no big deal
'Cause the simple man, baby
Pays for the thrills
And the bills and the pills that kill us
From Big Pharma here in America
Ain't that America for you and me?
Ain't that America
Somethin' to see, baby?
Ain't that America?
Home of the free, yeah
Little pink houses for you and me
[audience cheering, applauding]
When I was a kid, uh,
back in the '50s and early '60s,
on Sunday night we would all gather around
and watch Ed Sullivan as a family.
In my house today,
on Friday night,
we all gather around and we watch Bill.
[audience applauding]
We've always-- I've enjoyed watching Bill
since the early days,
and, um, this is a song that he requested.
["Authority Song" playing]
They like to get you
In a compromising position
Well, they like to get you there
And smile in your face
Yeah, they think they're so cute
When they got you in that condition
But I think it's a total disgrace
If you know, sing it!
I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing!
I call up my preacher, I say,
"Give me strength for round five"
He said, "You don't need no strength
You need to grow up, son"
I said, "Growin' up leads
To growin' old and then to dyin'
And guess what?
Ooh, and dyin' to me don't sound
Like all that much fun"
And so I'll say
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-I say yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
-Yeah
Yeah, all right!
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Kick it in, man!
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
So I say
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
Come on, sing.
Well, I've been doin' it since I was
A young kid and I come out grinnin'
Well, I fight authority
Authority always wins
All right!
-[song concludes]
-[audience cheering, applauding]
[instrumental rock music playing]