Bill Maher: Victory Begins at Home (2003) Movie Script
( music playing )
I have prayed
for America
I was made for America
Her shining dream
plays in my mind
By the rockets'
red glare
A generation's
blank stare
We'd better wake her up
this time...
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bill Maher.
( cheering )
Thank you very much.
How are you doing?
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
( cheering continues )
Please, folks...
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That is a wonderful
reception.
I appreciate that.
It is great to be back
in New York.
Great to be back
on Broadway.
The show you're about
to see tonight
is one I did for a little while
here on Broadway in the spring,
and the idea behind that show
was embodied
in that first poster
that you see--
"Victory begins at home."
The idea that when
you're in a war,
the home front,
us, the citizens,
can make a difference.
We can count.
The government
used to believe that.
They used to tell you that.
They used to make posters
like that.
But they don't
do it anymore.
So I thought
I'd make a few.
Now, of course,
my posters might be
a little different
than what the government
would tell you.
But then the government
tells you things like
drugs fund terrorism.
'Cause what better way
to get the heat off
the oil companies?
You can always--
yeah, you know--
( cheering, applause )
You can always blame
anything on drugs.
There's an anti-marijuana
commercial running.
Have you seen this ad?
Where two 12-year-old boys
are left home alone
and they start smoking pot
and then one of them
finds Dad's gun
and shoots
the other accidentally
because they're high.
Only in America
is the villain in this scene
not the guns
or the shitty parenting,
but the pot.
It's--
it's always the pot.
Drugs fund terrorism.
Come on.
Terrorists get their money
from the same place everybody
gets their money--
from their relatives.
And their relatives
sell oil.
And therein is the problem.
They have the oil,
we have the Ford
fuck-you-mobiles.
Which I'm not here
to speak ag--
look, I am not
the car police.
I don't want to be
the car police.
I understand Americans
love their cars.
I don't get it, but I know
Americans love cars
and would hump them
if they could.
But does anybody
really need a Hummer
in city traffic?
- You know? I mean...
- ( cheering, applause )
I mean, what--
what is next?
"Honey, let's take a tank
to the PTA meeting tonight."
You know, Arabs
are in the oil business.
Same as Texans,
you know?
That's-- no, that--
that is not--
- ( cheering )
- No, no, no, that is--
that is not to equate
our government.
It's just to say
that a political party
that gets a lot
of its campaign contributions
from oil companies
is not going to make
this connection.
And neither
are the Democrats
who like the money they get
from automobile unions.
So the two parties
are gonna do the only thing
they ever really do well
on a bipartisan level--
they're going
to change the subject.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on September 11th, 2001,
America was attacked
by a squad of Saudi Arabians
working out of Germany,
Pakistan, and Afghanistan.
And by that I mean
we were attacked by Iraq.
What the--
What?
Yes, the true
axis of evil in America
is the genius
of our marketing
combined with the stupidity
of our people.
The-- the way they were able
to morph bin Laden into Hussein
was just too easy,
wasn't it?
I mean,
I'm glad Hussein is gone,
but the Joker
is not the Riddler,
and...
on this particular crime,
there was no blood
in his Bronco.
- The--
- ( crowd oohing )
Do you know that the--
( chuckles )
You know that
the governor of this state
suggested that we melt down
the toppled statues
of Saddam Hussein
from Baghdad
and use them
in a new World Trade Center
so that we could send
a message to the world
that we are a people
who cannot tell Arabs apart.
( applause )
( laughs )
Which all seems
especially hypocritical
when you think about--
the first thing
the administration told us
after the attacks
was no lumping
the terrorists in
with the whole Muslim world.
These are terrorists
who happened to be Muslim,
but don't enflame
them all by lumping.
But then when they
can't find bin Laden,
"Lump!
Who said no lumping?
We love lumping!
We're lumping people!"
It must've been
so frustrating for them,
you know?
After all that
tough talk about,
"We're gonna get 'em
dead or alive."
Which at some point became,
"Well, he's either dead
or alive.
You know,
that's what we meant.
It's"--
( laughs )
"It's not about one man."
But it is,
and people wanna know,
where's Waldo?
And now we can't find
Hussein,
the guy we went after
because we couldn't
find bin Laden.
And now--
and now they're both
making tapes.
( laughs )
It's like--
I guess what we're trying
to do is get them into some
sort of rappers' war
where they're
dissing each other
on each other's records,
and hopefully they'll pop
a cap in each other's ass
or s--
I don't...
But, look,
if you were against this war
or you don't
like the president,
you have to root for the plan
because this may
have been Bush's war,
but it's America's
peace now.
And you have to root
for the plan to succeed.
The plan,
as I understand it,
being the total humiliation
and liquidation of Iraq,
followed by her rebuilding
from scratch in our image.
Otherwise known
as Scientology.
( laughs )
It is amazing to me
what lies people care
most about.
It blows my mind
that the one lie
that they still can't get over
is Monica Lewinsky.
That-- that one
is the standard of mendacity
that ever came out
of the White House.
When I think
about the lies--
the huge,
steaming-turd whoppers
that I've heard that have
affected all of our lives
just in my lifetime--
"JFK shot by a lone gunman."
"We're winning the war
in Vietnam."
"We didn't trade arms
for hostages."
"Global warming
needs more study."
"Clarence Thomas
is the most qualified person
we can find."
( cheering )
But the one
they can't get over is...
( imitates Bill Clinton )
"I did not get my dick sucked
by that woman."
( cheering, applause )
( normal voice )
I'm so--
( imitates Bill Clinton )
"My hand was not on the titty
when she was on the knob
and that technically
was not--"
( normal voice )
This is what people
obsess about?
It just backs up my case that
this is a feminized country
because obviously
the worst thing anyone
can ever do in America
is get a blowjob.
But lying about a war?
Eh, so what?
And, you know, look.
There is no doubt
that this is a war
that started under
false premises
because this is a war
that originally was sold to us
as one we had to fight
for our own self-preservation,
right?
Because there was
this meteor named Iraq
heading right for us,
and that if we did not
get rid of Saddam Hussein,
the moon would crash
into the Earth
and eagles would eat
your cock.
But when nobody bought
that bullshit,
Bush started to end
every speech with,
"And did I mention
the torture?
The torture!
He gassed his own people!"
Uh, yeah,
when your dad
was president.
And he was so upset about it,
he almost interrupted
his golf game.
I mean, talk--
( cheering, applause )
Talk about
a delayed reaction.
Even the Kurds are like,
"Come on, it was the '80s."
( laughs )
"People were experimenting.
It was a crazy time."
I mean, this is why
we never really had
a coalition, you know.
We had England
because Tony Blair
is George Bush's
prison bitch.
And-- and we had
200 Australians
and a Polish Jeep driver
named Lars.
That--
and by the way,
on that subject, if I could
say one thing.
If I could give the president
just one bit of advice,
it's not a critique,
but, Mr. President,
when you have those joint
press conferences,
let Tony Blair
do the talking, you know?
( cheering )
Come on,
Mr. President.
You're too big for that.
You're the star of this thing.
You're Clint Eastwood.
Let the gay
English character actor...
lay the pipe.
No, war is a lot easier
than peace.
There's a lot of bright guys
in that administration,
but they forgot
about that.
But it is too late
for the Democrats
to be crying foul
about this weapons
of mass destruction stuff.
They knew that
was hyped bullshit
when they voted for it
in October.
Now, should the President
of the United States
be a little bit more careful
about the intelligence he gets
and perhaps not trust
Austin Powers?
Yes.
( laughs )
Does the average American
have more dangerous chemicals
in his garage?
Yes, apparently.
But, you know,
they still might find
weapons of mass destruction.
And if they don't,
I have it on good authority
that the Los Angeles
Police Department
will plant them.
- But--
- ( applause )
But, you know--
( laughs )
At the end of the day
to this administration
it doesn't matter,
because half the geniuses
in this country
think that we already
found weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq
and the other half
think that George Bush
is a fighter pilot.
That is an administration
that does understand pictures
because, you know,
once they got that picture
of him in the flight suit,
that was all they--
that was what the whole war
was about.
"Hello, look at me,
I'm in a flight suit.
My cock looks huge.
I'm on
an aircraft carrier.
There's-- big cock,
flight suit, me,
military guys,
flag.
Hello.
Why even have an election?"
No, he understands
a picture is worth everything.
I mean, this is a president
with no environmental policy,
but he knows enough
to, every six months,
do a photo op
in front of a giant tree.
Every six months,
he just stands in front
of a big sequoia
with that smirk
on his face like,
( imitating George W. Bush )
"Am I hurtin' that tree?
Am I pissin'
on that tree?
No.
I love that tree.
Tree, me, people.
Do the math."
( normal voice )
And that is the environmental
policy.
( imitating George W. Bush )
"There's a black kid
sittin' on my lap.
I'm readin' to a black kid.
He's sittin' right on me.
Am I freakin' out?
No."
"Am I like,
'Get that tar baby
off of me?' No!"
( normal voice )
And that's the race policy.
I mean, it's just astounding
how they work.
I mean, the 2000 convention
that the Republicans had?
Oh, my God.
The last time the Republicans
had that many
black people on a stage,
they were selling them.
I mean...
( laughs )
Hey, folks, come on.
The entertainment
the first night of
the convention
was Chaka Khan.
This is the party
running on integrity
'cause, you know,
when you get a bunch
of 60-ish red state
white people in a room
voting on entertainment--
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan,
Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka--
it's all Chaka Khan.
It's, you know,
a couple of votes
for the Gatlin Brothers,
you know.
A few for the Dixie Chicks
before they joined
Al-Qaeda, this is.
That's before.
( laughing )
Oh, it's such a shame
when our country singers
become Islamic
fundamentalists.
Isn't that a--
I don't know why
that keeps happening.
The best photo op ever--
George Bush
about a year ago
at Mount Rushmore.
They set up the podium
at the base of the mountain
so that his head
was exactly in line
and in proportion to the heads
on the mountain,
which I thought
was a pretty sleazy trick.
And I don't think
I'm the only one
who thought that
'cause I swear to God,
for about half a second,
I thought
I saw Lincoln go...
( cheering )
And usually
when they have a photo op,
they usually have
a three-word slogan.
Because that is
our attention span,
three words, you know?
"Restoring
America's Future."
"Testing
America's Gullibility."
'Cause they know
you control the debate
by controlling the word.
You just gotta
control the word.
You just gotta make
the politician say the word
that the hamsters
in the focus group
make hit the pedal.
Say the word that makes
the hamsters hit the pedal.
"Values."
You don't have to mean it,
just say "values."
"Values, yes, values.
We-- we like values.
Values are--
he said values.
We like that.
He has values."
( applause )
They're, uh...
We used to have a tax
in this country called
the estate tax,
which was very popular
because it's a tax
on very, very, very
rich fucks who die.
And people thought,
"That's a good person to tax,"
and that is
a good person to tax
because rich fucks who die
should give away their money
or else they give it
to their ne'er-do-well kid
who becomes Uday Hussein.
But the Republicans
changed the name
from the estate tax
to the death tax.
And people went, "Death?
That could happen to me.
I'm not hittin' the pedal
on that one."
The Republicans
are so much better
at that word game.
Like, they're always
from the heartland.
Heartland?
Come on.
Dick Cheney
from the heartland,
ironically.
Uh...
I remember when they made
the announcement
that Dick Cheney was going to be
the vice president candidate.
They purposefully went back
to the heartland home of his,
back to Casper, Wyoming,
the only town whiter
than the ghost itself.
And they went back
to Dick Cheney's high school,
where he'd been the captain
of the football team,
and, folks, this
was when I knew I would
never be mainstream.
Because obviously
this shit works on people,
but, I mean, I would never
go back to my high school.
I hated my high school.
I hated the captain
of the football team.
I wish we had school shootings
when I was in high school.
These lucky kids today.
I would've loved
to have picked up a gun
and shot a bunch of kids
in my high school,
these spoiled bastards.
Anyway, there's Dick Cheney
back at his high school,
captain of the football team,
and then
the pice de rsistance,
they bring out his wife,
who of course had been
his high school sweetheart.
And, again,
this so doesn't work on me.
That you married
the first chick to give you
a hand job.
You know, that's--
thank you.
Oh, I kid Dick Cheney,
but he has a plan
to save
the government money.
It involves
moving the White House
to the Cayman Islands.
How's that
for wartime loyalty, huh?
These Fortune 500 companies
who move offshore.
Of course, they don't
really move offshore.
That's the scam.
Enron isn't
really headquartered
in the Bahamas.
It's a phone and a monkey.
And a mailbox to collect
their dirty, bloody money.
Plus, how stupid
are these companies,
you know?
The money gets to live
in the Caribbean.
They stay in Newark.
What?
It's so easy
to say anything.
The one that's easy to say now
is, "I support the troops."
It doesn't cost you anything.
"I support the troops."
But I got
a question for you.
Can you really support
the troops
if you also support
these massive tax cuts
for the very rich?
'Cause, you know,
the people we say
are our heroes
are paid by tax dollars.
And we hear about teachers--
have to buy their own
school supplies.
Soldiers in this country
are on food stamps.
Firemen-- well, firemen
get laid so easily, though.
Fuck them.
But anyway--
( laughs )
But, I mean, couldn't
somebody in Congress
stand up and say,
"Why don't we take
half of that big tax cut
and give it
to our heroes?"
Or is that why
they're our heroes?
'Cause they work cheap?
( cheering )
It's okay.
Applause costs you
nothing.
But think about that
next time you see George Bush
hugging a bunch
of military guys.
And, look, I'm not gonna
rag on Bush all night.
Look, I will tell you this.
I will give George Bush
credit for this.
He is working a lot harder
than he thought he'd have to.
You know, there...
( laughing )
( applause, cheering )
I tell ya,
no more homeschooling
for that boy.
He is going to class.
But spare me this nonsense
I have heard so often
about how,
"Oh, we dodged a bullet
when Bush pulled off
the election and then
9/11 happened
because, you know,
if Al Gore had been
president..."
What, we'd be reading
the Quran now, is that it?
Like George Bush
is the only one
who could've pointed
to Afghanistan on a map
and said, "Destroy that"?
I'm sorry, George Bush
pointing out a country
on a map?
- ( laughs )
- ( cheering )
Oh, I didn't know
what I was thinking.
No, no.
Rumsfeld does the pointing.
See, I love him,
Rumsfeld,
'cause he's
so politically incorrect.
How could I not
love him?
And what I love
about him also
is that he makes no effort
to ever be reassuring.
You notice that?
He says things like,
"I don't think they could get
a nuclear bomb in there,
but, yeah, maybe."
( laughs )
What the hell is that?
Oh, and people say
he's Neanderthal and crude
and macho-- you know what?
If we're gonna let
just one guy in America
not have to be a pussy,
I say it's
the Secretary of Defense.
- How about that?
- ( cheering )
However,
the Rumsfelds of the world,
they do need to be watched.
So do the Ashcrofts
and the Bushes and a lot
of other people,
and I think where
the citizens of this country--
where we let
ourselves down--
is that after
the attacks,
just when we should've
been paying more attention,
I think we paid
less attention.
Because thinking
about icky things like war
and terrorism...
( imitates voice breaking )
...would cause stress.
And then they'd win.
( applause )
And the president
fed right into that.
He did not lead on this.
He had about--
a window of opportunity
of about two months
where he could've
asked us to do anything,
and what did he say?
"Keep shopping.
Spend money.
Take your wife to dinner.
Go see 'Cats' again.
Shop till they drop,
girlfriend."
Which is not to say
that we wouldn't
have done more,
'cause I think we would.
We are an industrious people.
But, you know,
we're also a people--
if we can get
out of work, we do.
This was brought home to me
about a year ago
when there was breaking news
from rural Georgia.
Do you remember this story?
They found all these bodies
behind this crematorium
in Georgia.
And when I first heard of it,
I thought, "Ooh, this is some
sort of nefarious cult."
No, just lazy.
( laughs )
Just--
just letting work pile up,
as many of us do.
( laughs )
It was like
the "I Love Lucy" episode
with the chocolates coming
down the conveyor belt,
you know?
The guy just couldn't
keep up with the volume.
Plus, you're talking
about rural Georgia,
so it was confusing
'cause a guy would come in
asking for his wife
and his sister,
"Is that one body or two?"
- You know, that--
- ( audience groaning )
Okay.
Many-- a lot of people
from rural Georgia here
on Broadway?
That happens on Broadway.
Sorry.
Sorry to offend you.
I was just trying
to make the point
that families are allowed
to be different.
Well, we were told that
after 9/11.
That's what
the government said,
you know, that this was not
a clash of civilizations.
Osama bin Laden, for example--
do you know this?
Is the 17th
of 55 children.
It's always the middle 20
that give you the problems.
Is that right?
But-- this is not
a clash of civilizations?
Yeah, we have
two, three kids,
you have 55.
We like to have our women
in the workplace,
you keep yours
in beekeeper suits.
What is up
with the beekeeper suits?
I mean, can you imagine
if some white country
kept its black people
in beekeeper suits?
There'd be a riot
at the UN.
Jesse Jackson's head
would explode.
Al Sharpton would call
a press conference.
( applause )
How do you get away--
how does a country get away
with keeping
half its population
in beekeeper suits?
I'll tell you how.
They say the magic word--
"religion."
It's their religion.
You say "religion,"
you can get away
with anything.
The Catholics
got away with fucking kids,
for crying out loud!
Oh, you're right.
I made that up.
I'm sorry, you're right.
I pulled that
right outta my ass.
That has not been
in the paper a lot.
Excuse me, they had
to have a conference
to decide if they should
continue to fuck kids.
They did.
A guy made a speech.
He said, "Look, we've had
a good long run...
but, uh, it's become
something of a meat market
around here.
Put a little more lotion
on Father Tom, Billy."
I mean, come on.
But, look,
all you need to know
about the fact that this is
a clash of civilizations
is the beekeeper suit,
that burka.
The fact-- the way we treat
our women so differently.
I mean,
in our society,
we try to get women to undress
as much as possible.
We like to be teased.
Whereas their view is,
"If I can't have the pussy,
I don't want to see it.
Okay, just--
that is too painful.
Just throw a tarp on that
because I--
I'll be thinking
about that all day."
You know, whereas
in this country,
women wear these jeans
that are cut--
that had to be
the last straw
for bin Laden.
When those jeans--
that was like, "You pushed
my buttons on--"
Because, you know,
it's like a woman
walks into a place
and just like,
"Hi, you don't even
know my name,
you're one inch
from pussy.
What do you think
about that?
Haven't even met me,
you are one inch from pussy.
We haven't said hello."
You're on the one-yard line,
the game has not begun.
It's amazing.
But I tell-- you know
who I feel sorry for
in America
is whores.
Because what can a whore
wear anymore that--
You know...
( laughs )
What can a whore wear
to signal
the prospective customer,
"No, I'm a real whore.
I'm selling this ass.
I'm not on my way
to an award show,
I'm a whore.
A real whore."
But, you know,
we're all whores.
You do know that,
right?
That's what Jerry Falwell
and Pat Robertson said
after 9/11.
They said, "God let it happen
because we're wicked,
because we're abortionists
and homosexuals and adulterers,
so God let it happen."
Which I don't agree with,
but it cleared something
up for me
because I've always
wondered, right?
"What's the nature of God?"
And now I know.
He's a prick.
Oh, he let it happen.
A prick, wow.
Interesting.
I had heard good things,
but apparently not.
Are there any Christian
fundamentalists here tonight?
No? Because, you know,
I have been defending
the Christian fundamentalists
because it really bothers me
when people compare
their fundamentalists
with ours.
I hear it all the time.
"You know, we have
extremists, too."
Uh, yeah, but this is
a great country because ours
are just funny.
The worst ours can do is,
like, you know, identify
the gay Teletubby.
That's like-- it's purple!
It's purple!
You're-- purple,
gay, hello!
Your kids
are seeing a gay...
You know, whereas
in Saudi Arabia--
you know, our ally.
In Saudi Arabia,
on Friday nights,
they have beheadings for
such crimes as homosexuality
or adultery or being
an infidel or not rewinding
or whatever.
So, yes, Jerry Falwell
and Pat Robertson
are morons who think
homosexuals are going
to burn in hell,
but they're not suggesting
that we go over
to Richard Simmons' house
and cut off his head.
I'm suggesting it.
( laughs )
In fact,
I'm insisting on it.
No.
No, I think
Western civilization
is more enlightened
precisely because
we have learned
how to ignore
our religious leaders.
You know?
Every religious leader
says things.
You know, when one of their
ayatollahs issues a falafel,
they do it.
We don't follow it.
I mean, the pope says
a lot of things.
"No premarital sex."
"Thank you very much.
Charming.
You are a charmer,
thank you.
Hey, kids, get in here.
Look, it's the pope.
Oh, it's like seeing
an albino tiger in the wild.
How much longer
are you gonna be able
to see that, the pope?"
"No masturbation."
"He's doing
all his greatest hits,
look at that."
You know?
"Thank you.
You're a fabulous
Catholic celebrity.
Now go back
to the castle."
Sometimes people
say to me,
"Bill, you're prejudiced
against the Muslims."
No, I promise you
I am not.
"Prejudiced"
comes from prejudge.
I am not prejudging.
I am judging.
Yes, I am judging that
if your TGIF is beheadings...
( chuckles )
...and getting
stoned in your country
is a bad thing,
then, yes,
you're bringing up the rear,
civilization-wise.
You need an enlightenment,
you need a reformation,
you need something.
I don't feel bad
for those 300 killers
we got down
in Guantanamo Bay
always crabbing
about how we don't respect
their religious practices.
You know what? You lost.
Eat what we eat.
Here's
a cheese-filled Snausage.
Enjoy.
( cheering )
You don't like that,
just eat the bun.
You don't like that?
Don't eat anything.
You won't be missed.
I would also say to them
that if we ever find the body
of a suicide attacker,
we will bury it wrong.
Wrong.
With a hooker and a bottle
of Jack Daniels...
( cheering )
...facing Barney's.
That--
that's the worst.
But you have to understand,
you have to embrace
the values
of Western civilization
are not just different,
they are better, okay?
I know a whole generation
has been raised
on the notion
of multiculturalism,
that all civilizations
are just different.
No, not always.
Sometimes things are better.
Rule of law is better
than autocracy and theocracy.
Equality
of the sexes-- better.
Protection
of minorities-- better.
Free speech-- better.
Free elections-- better.
Free appliances
with large purchases--
better.
( cheering, applause )
Don't get so tolerant
that you tolerate intolerance.
Remember what happened
to Salman Rushdie?
He wrote a book,
it got mixed reviews.
( chuckles )
Some people liked it,
some people
wanted his head on a stick.
No one should have to die
for writing a book
with the exception of
"The Bridges of Madison County."
I will--
I will make...
But, look,
I will always defend
the West, our way of life,
but I sure understand
why people hate us around
the world,
and that's not just Arabs
and not just Muslims.
Lots of people hate us,
and they're not all wrong.
I'll give you an example
just from our own hemisphere.
Do you know
what Plan Colombia is?
Well, you get the first 12 CDs
for a penny.
No, that's--
no, Plan Colombia is a massive
defoliation program
that we have going
that our military is conducting
in the country of Colombia
that is ruining
their countryside.
Why are we doing it?
Because there are some plants
down there that are evil.
How do we know
they're evil?
Well, they don't have
Bristol-Myers Squibb,
Eli Lilly, or Pfizer
written on them.
So...
And, by the way,
if cocaine gave you
an erection
instead
of took one away,
not only would it be legal,
but Bob Dole would
do ads for it.
We do give the world
the impression
that we think American lives
are more valuable
than anybody else's lives,
which is odd
because we're supposed to be
a religious people,
and I thought God made humans
and not Americans.
But I didn't even know
he was a prick.
I think people hate us
around the world
because they perceive
that we waste when
we could share,
and they're not
totally wrong about that.
We are gluttonous.
We shop with forklifts.
We eat giant food
off of giant plates.
We have a holiday
where we stuff food
into other food.
- ( applause )
- I mean...
Thanksgiving
is really typical
of how we think
about third world
indigenous people.
We celebrate
the one nice moment
we ever had with the Indians.
It'd be like
a date rapist saying,
"Let's concentrate
on the nice dinner we had
early in the evening..."
( applause, cheering )
Yeah, I'm not--
( chuckles )
You know,
if you're an American
and you're born at this time
of the history, especially,
you're lucky.
We all are.
We won the world history
Powerball lottery.
But a little modesty about it
might keep the heat off of us,
you know?
I can't take people
who say things like,
"We built this country."
You built nothing.
I think the railroads were
pretty much up by 1980.
These are the same people
who always get all uppity
about immigration.
"They're taking
American jobs."
Yeah, right.
Like you'd stand on the freeway
and sell oranges out of a bag.
These poor people
swim through a river of sludge
to get here
to park our cars,
pick our fruit,
blow our leaves.
They do all the jobs
nobody else wants to do,
like landscaping
and impregnating Madonna.
And what do people say?
"Keep 'em out.
Build a wall."
Which is a dumb idea.
Walls never work.
The one they're building
in Israel isn't gonna work,
the Berlin Wall didn't work,
the Great Wall of China
didn't work,
that invisible space diaphragm
that we're putting up there...
although that one,
I must say--
when I read recently
that the North Korean guy,
Lil' Kim--
you know the guy?
When I read that he had
missiles that could reach
Los Angeles,
I was like,
"What is the delay with
the space shield, please?
Could we get
the magic umbrella
up and working?"
'Cause, you see,
danger focuses the mind.
I don't know why
that hasn't worked better
here already.
Like, especially
at the airport.
You think that would
be the one place
where it would've
worked better.
And people say,
"Oh, things have gotten
better at the airport."
Really?
No, they've gotten whiter.
It looks to me
like they just fired
all the black people
and hired white people.
I don't know why,
but it used to be Shaniqua
with the eight-inch fingernails
going through my bag...
and now it's
a white guy named Roy.
But-- but white, black,
they're still using
the same method--
random.
Random.
Al Gore famously
was pulled out of line.
Al Gore.
Now, come on,
he's two electoral votes
from being president,
but he's the terrorist?
At least that's how
they reported it on Fox News.
- But, uh...
- ( cheering )
But, come on.
Do we really need
to search Al Gore?
And they gave him
the full search,
including
the anal cavity search,
and they found his head.
Oh.
You know what?
You gotta get over that.
Al Gore lost that election
all by himself
by maintaining his pledge
to end charisma as we know it.
You gotta get over Florida,
Democrats, seriously.
The Republicans
did not steal that election.
It did fall off a truck...
( laughs )
...but they didn't
exactly steal it.
But, no, I mean, come on,
at the airports,
it was over a year
after 9/11
when people at the airport,
the authorities,
were still using
the honor system.
Remember, we still
had to answer those
two brilliant questions--
"Did you pack
your own bags?"
"No, Allah packed
my bags today.
What, bad answer?"
You know,
we still have to show
our ID three times.
That's the key,
three times before
you get on the plane,
'cause who could ever
have a fake ID?
Bush's daughters
had a fake ID.
Come on.
Yeah.
ID-- like it's gonna say
"Carlos the Jackal"
right on it.
"Mr. the Jackal,
please step out of line."
The first thing they did
at LAX after the attack
to calm everybody's nerves
was they put out a decree:
no more
curbside drop-offs
except
by licensed people.
Only licensed
taxis and limousines.
All of which, of course,
are driven by people
from Afghanistan,
Pakistan, Fuckyoustan,
We-hate-you-stan,
Shove-it-up-your-ass-stan.
You know, if that Republican
slogan machine
could just come up with
a better name than "profiling."
If they would just call it
"proactive intelligence
screening,"
people would go,
"It's about time we had
a little of that around here."
'Cause, you know,
it's good to be color-blind
and it's good
to be ethnic-blind
and it's good to be
religious-blind,
but at the end of the day,
blind does mean you can't see.
And if you can't see,
how are you gonna tell
what color it is
on the Terrorist Threat
Advisory Chart?
'Cause, you know,
I go by that thing.
Don't you?
'Cause, you know,
like, when it's yellow,
I'm pretty normal,
you know.
I'm just-- maybe--
maybe I look around
every four or five--
but when it's orange,
I--
what, take a sweater?
I mean, what--
what is the plan here?
( applause )
Now, you know
that we are not serious
about winning the terror war
for one simple reason.
Because we still
have a drug war.
I think it's very telling
that the last airport incident
I heard about before 9/11
was when Aaron Sorkin,
the brilliant writer/producer
of "The West Wing,"
got caught trying to take
mushrooms to Las Vegas.
Ooh, when I heard that,
I said,
"What a great idea."
No wonder why this guy
wins the Emmy every year.
That's a brilliant way
to make that town bearable.
- But...
- ( applause )
But thank God
they got him, huh?
Because, you know,
if we start letting
creative people
take funny mushrooms
to resort cities...
what?
What would happen?
Please, tell me.
Take me down
that slippery slope,
from Aaron Sorkin
with his mushrooms
to your kid turning tricks
behind a dumpster
to make a fix.
Take me on that journey
and I will get behind
the drug war.
The police report said
that Mr. Sorkin's judgment
was impaired
getting on the plane.
I hope so.
Isn't that
what we're trying for?
I mean,
is he driving the plane?
'Cause if not,
why do we need judgment
on the plane?
"Peanuts, trail mix,
I-- I don't know.
I can't decide.
Four bucks for
the Sandra Bullock movie?
I-I--
my mind is cloudy."
Judgment impaired
going to Las Vegas,
a town built on impairing
people's judgment.
Have you ever been
to a casino?
There's no clocks,
there's no oxygen,
they're plying you
with liquor.
You need a police dog
just to find your way out.
But don't get fucked up
on the way.
Let the professionals
fuck you up.
- ( applause, cheering )
- That's--
Which--
( chuckles )
Which is,
by the way,
the official drug policy
of the United States
government.
I'm not kidding.
That is our drug policy.
Let the professionals
fuck you up.
It's not like
we don't have drugs
in this country.
We got a million drugs.
Let the professionals
do it, though.
Why is marijuana,
the one drug that never
killed anybody,
somehow on the illegal side
of the divide?
Why does every administration,
Democrat, Republican,
take the same
stupid dodge about,
"We need to do
more study"?
Yeah, they all study it.
You know what they found?
It makes you eat
cookie dough.
I think the drugs
that are a lot scarier
are the ones they advertise
on the 6:30 evening news.
- Those--
- ( applause, cheering )
I mean, they advertise
these prescription drugs
that--
damned if I know
what the problem is,
what the cure is.
It's just
vaguely happy people.
Just-- it's a woman
in a wheat field.
She's just very happy
about wheat.
I don't-- you know--
there's one with a guy
dancing on a melting clock.
I'm not kidding.
He's dancing
on a melting clock.
"You may not need"--
I don't care about need,
I want that one, okay?
That's--
this is past need.
"Tell your doctor..."
Tell your doctor?
Shouldn't your doctor
tell you what drugs you need?
When you tell
your doctor,
isn't he just a dealer
at that point?
( cheering )
It's funny, in America,
half the people in this country
think that drugs
is what you have to regulate
to make us safer
and half the people
think guns--
that's what you gotta regulate
to make us safer.
But I always think,
if you're gonna regulate
one thing
that has the most potential
to cause death and destruction--
religion,
you gotta start
with religion.
- I'm not--
- ( applause )
I don't say this
out of bitterness.
Look,
I was raised Catholic.
But, you know,
I was never molested.
And I'm a little insulted,
quite frankly.
( smacks lips )
I guess they didn't
find me attractive.
But, uh, I was attractive
and it's their loss.
I-- I really understand
how this nightmare
of clerical pedophilia
could've happened,
because if you're a priest
and you spend your whole life
spewing this nonsense
about the snake and the whale
and the apple
and the rib,
it's like,
"Oh, fuck it.
Just blow me, kid."
What the fuck?
Just...
Also, what is so hard
about just saying
the words, "I don't know"?
I don't know.
Of course there are questions
that plague all of us.
How did we get here?
What happens when we die?
Is there a heaven?
Am I on the list?
Who let the dogs out?
Yes.
But why would you believe
what some other human being
whose brain, I promise you,
is no bigger or better
than yours--
when he tells you
he knows what happens
when you die?
"Don't masturbate now.
You won't get to hang out
with Jesus in heaven.
How do I know?
I-- I've got a pointy hat.
I've got a hat and a robe
and I have smoke
and a wand."
It's so gay,
the whole church.
It's just-- could they just
come out of the closet?
Really?
I mean, it's just so--
you know, every Sunday,
it's such a pageant
with the costumes
and the wands and the goblets
and the smoke
and the kneeling down
in front of another man
with your mouth open.
Nothing gay
about that, no.
( laughs )
Nothing gay there.
( sighs )
So...
( chuckles )
...are our religions corrupt?
Yes, of course they are.
But once again, I have to say,
their religions, even worse.
Even worse.
I mean, that thing
about the 72 virgins?
That's the lowest.
Promising pussy
in the afterlife
is the lowest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
( applause )
I mean,
I am no Christian,
but I do think Jesus
is a fantastic role model,
and the reason he is
is because he never said
anything like,
"Blessed are the meek
for they shall get laid."
( laughs )
Also, by the way,
72 virgins
is very suspicious to me.
It's a clue.
It tells you
we're dealing with people
from a bartering culture.
Because nobody starts
with that number.
Somebody said,
"100 virgins." "50."
"85." "69." "79."
"71." "73." "72."
"Done."
That's how you got 72.
Yes.
We are dealing with people
from the Middle East.
Arabs and Jews
who have a lot more in common
than they would like to admit,
and one of the things
they have in common
is that they're
from the Middle East,
which was called that
because it's in the middle.
Because everything that went
from Europe to Asia
always through--
the commerce always had
to go through the middle.
That's why Columbus
was looking for another way.
And people said to him,
"Chris,
if you take this journey,
you're gonna die."
And he said,
"I would rather sail off
the edge of the fucking world
than deal with those people
one more day!"
( cheering )
( laughing )
Have you been
to the mall?
But people
from the Middle East,
they are good with money.
That is in their history.
It is in their heritage.
Terrorists are very good
with money for that reason.
They're brilliant
at laundering money.
It's the one thing
they do launder.
( audience groans )
Ooh, ooh, oh, Bill.
Don't make fun of the people
who attacked us.
No, it's true.
They know how to move things
through untraceable items,
including-- and I know
women hate to hear this--
diamonds.
A good way to fight terrorism--
don't buy diamonds
'cause they move stuff
through diamonds.
And, well, I know women,
they hate to hear that
because women
think about diamonds
the way men
think about sex
the way leeches
think about blood.
But diamonds have
a lot of blood on them
even without
the terrorist connection.
Take that away, they have
a lot of blood on them
because diamonds are mined
in Africa by rebel armies.
And the rebel armies
control the territory
and make the villagers
mine the diamonds,
and they control them
through terror,
through such lovely things
as cutting off the arms
of the little children,
something you never see
in the De Beers commercials.
Now, I told this
to a woman recently
who is only
about the nicest person
I've ever met.
But she is a woman,
and I told her about Africa
and the armies and the rebels
and the terror
and the cutting off the arms
of the little children,
and she looked up at me
with a little sad face
and said,
"Both arms?"
I swear to God,
that's a true story.
Now, I know it's the national
law here in America
that women
are more evolved than men,
but if that's true, how come
they're still so impressed
by shiny objects?
I'm just asking.
I'm just asking.
Please, it is not anti-woman
just to talk about women, okay?
And we're going
to do it now...
because when I say this is
a feminized country,
first of all,
understand that I get it
that there are millions
and millions of women
who are steely-eyed realists
and millions
and millions of men
who are anything but.
However,
for lack of a better term,
I would say
that the feminine values
are now the values of America.
Sensitivity is more important
than truth.
Feelings are more important
than facts.
Commitment is more important
than individuality.
Children are more important
than people.
Safety is more important
than fun.
I always hear women say,
you know,
"Married men live longer."
Uh, yes,
and an indoor cat...
also...
lives longer.
( laughs )
It's a fur ball
with a broken spirit
that can only look out
on a world it will never enjoy,
but it does
technically live longer.
See, this is
very personal to me
because I'm, like,
the last of my guy friends
to have never
gotten married,
and their wives,
they don't want them
playing with me.
You know, I--
I'm like the escaped slave.
I bring news of freedom,
you know?
It's-- it's not a good thing
to have me around, you know?
( Southern accent )
Keep the husbands in the dark.
They're happier that way.
So I know women
don't have it easy
in America,
but it is sort of
politically incorrect
just to be male
in this country now.
I mean, look at television.
Look at any sitcom.
The wife is always
brilliant and ethereal
and right
about everything.
And the husband
is always a dumb fuck
lucky to have found her.
The only smart men
on television are Frasier
and his brother,
both of whom are gayer
than Little Richard's
underpants.
So, I understand
that women suffer,
but I don't think
it's as much publicized
that a lot of men
in America
are living lives
of quiet desperation,
lobotomized
of their libido,
anesthetizing themselves
with sports and pornography
and living
in an Orwellian world
where we have
to pretend to concur
with the woman's
point of view.
On any TV show in America,
if somebody
got up there and said,
"You know,
women are smarter than men,"
automatic round of applause.
If somebody said,
"Men are smarter than women,"
you'd be booed
off the stage.
I mean,
what does that tell you
about our culture
that we have to pretend
that one sex is smarter
than the other?
Women are smarter
than men.
If women ran the world,
there'd be no wars.
Being pregnant is sexy.
You know, just a whole
roster of things
that we don't really believe,
but we pretend to believe
because it's easier
to make women nod
than to live
in the doghouse.
I heard one
on daytime TV
the other day.
Only a woman
could've said this,
and of course everyone
pretended it was true.
She said,
"A couple should explore
their mutual fantasies."
( laughs )
There are no such things
as mutual fantasies.
Yours bore us,
ours offend you.
Trust me.
Ladies, trust me,
there is no fantasy
where a handsome prince
runs to you across a meadow
and takes you in his arms
and pledges
his undying love
and then comes
on your face, okay?
That would be
a mutual fantasy
if you've ever seen
a porn movie.
( laughs )
But I think--
I think men are just tired
of apologizing
for being men,
and I think women
would be a lot happier
if you'd stop making us
apologize for it.
You'd save yourselves
a lot of wear and tear.
For one thing,
give you one example,
no woman in America
would ever get breast implants.
Because if you really
got inside the man's mind,
you'd understand
that it's never about
big or little
or short or tall
or blonde or brunette.
It's only about
old and new.
Hugh Grant had
Elizabeth Hurley at home.
He wanted
Marvin Hagler in a wig.
You cannot reform biology.
And, by the way,
the male impetus
to spread our seed
is why we are
a successful species.
That is why
we're sitting here
right now.
But do we get thanks for it?
No, we get impeached.
( applause )
Hey, you know what?
That whole election
was a feminized issue
because that 2000 election
was all about the Republican
marketing machine.
They were able to morph
monogamy into integrity
the same way they morphed
bin Laden into Hussein.
I mean, Bush's
whole campaign was all,
"We're gonna
be restoring integrity."
Well, excuse me,
but the Bush family,
especially when they're running
for the White House,
has no more integrity
than anybody else.
They do what they have to
to win like everybody else.
Maybe they don't have less,
but they don't have more.
The difference is
they fuck their wives.
And that's what he ran on.
"I fuck my wife!
I'm a wife fucker!
I have integrity!
I fuck my wife!
Unlike a certain president
I could name.
And his vice president
who 'was there.'"
"Was there."
They make it sound
like Al Gore
was holding Monica's hair,
you know?
"Come on, babe.
Come on, honey,
finish up.
I got Arafat waiting
in the Rose Garden here, babe."
I mean, come on.
"The Starr Report"
was a marketing document.
It had nothing
to do with the law
and had everything to do
with making sure
everybody knew
all the lurid little details,
like that one of their trysts
took place on Easter.
That's right,
the president had his dick
in a Jew's mouth
on Easter!
Run against that,
motherfucker!
And Al Gore took the bait.
That's why Al Gore
tried to prove
that he loved his wife
even more.
Remember he kissed her
at the convention?
That disgusting kiss?
Have you ever seen
anything so disgusting?
Can you imagine
any other politician?
Can you imagine
Richard Nixon?
"Come here,
Pat, you bitch."
I'm gonna chew
on your ass, you little"--
But that was
Al Gore's way of saying,
"I fuck my wife, too."
And a week later,
George Bush let himself
get caught on camera
grabbing his wife's ass
'cause that's
his way of saying,
"Oh, you're not gonna steal
the integrity issue from us.
We're the wife fuckers
in this election!
I fuck my wife,
my brother fucks his wife,
my dad even fucks
his wife.
And that's
a lot of integrity."
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
You're a great crowd.
- ( cheering )
- ( music playing )
Thank you.
I appreciate
you coming out!
Thank you!
Thank you, folks.
Thank you very much.
( music continues )
I have prayed
for America
I was made for America
Her shining dream
plays in my mind
By the rockets'
red glare
A generation's
blank stare
We'd better wake her up
this time...
Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bill Maher.
( cheering )
Thank you very much.
How are you doing?
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.
Wow.
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Oh, boy.
( cheering continues )
Please, folks...
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
That is a wonderful
reception.
I appreciate that.
It is great to be back
in New York.
Great to be back
on Broadway.
The show you're about
to see tonight
is one I did for a little while
here on Broadway in the spring,
and the idea behind that show
was embodied
in that first poster
that you see--
"Victory begins at home."
The idea that when
you're in a war,
the home front,
us, the citizens,
can make a difference.
We can count.
The government
used to believe that.
They used to tell you that.
They used to make posters
like that.
But they don't
do it anymore.
So I thought
I'd make a few.
Now, of course,
my posters might be
a little different
than what the government
would tell you.
But then the government
tells you things like
drugs fund terrorism.
'Cause what better way
to get the heat off
the oil companies?
You can always--
yeah, you know--
( cheering, applause )
You can always blame
anything on drugs.
There's an anti-marijuana
commercial running.
Have you seen this ad?
Where two 12-year-old boys
are left home alone
and they start smoking pot
and then one of them
finds Dad's gun
and shoots
the other accidentally
because they're high.
Only in America
is the villain in this scene
not the guns
or the shitty parenting,
but the pot.
It's--
it's always the pot.
Drugs fund terrorism.
Come on.
Terrorists get their money
from the same place everybody
gets their money--
from their relatives.
And their relatives
sell oil.
And therein is the problem.
They have the oil,
we have the Ford
fuck-you-mobiles.
Which I'm not here
to speak ag--
look, I am not
the car police.
I don't want to be
the car police.
I understand Americans
love their cars.
I don't get it, but I know
Americans love cars
and would hump them
if they could.
But does anybody
really need a Hummer
in city traffic?
- You know? I mean...
- ( cheering, applause )
I mean, what--
what is next?
"Honey, let's take a tank
to the PTA meeting tonight."
You know, Arabs
are in the oil business.
Same as Texans,
you know?
That's-- no, that--
that is not--
- ( cheering )
- No, no, no, that is--
that is not to equate
our government.
It's just to say
that a political party
that gets a lot
of its campaign contributions
from oil companies
is not going to make
this connection.
And neither
are the Democrats
who like the money they get
from automobile unions.
So the two parties
are gonna do the only thing
they ever really do well
on a bipartisan level--
they're going
to change the subject.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on September 11th, 2001,
America was attacked
by a squad of Saudi Arabians
working out of Germany,
Pakistan, and Afghanistan.
And by that I mean
we were attacked by Iraq.
What the--
What?
Yes, the true
axis of evil in America
is the genius
of our marketing
combined with the stupidity
of our people.
The-- the way they were able
to morph bin Laden into Hussein
was just too easy,
wasn't it?
I mean,
I'm glad Hussein is gone,
but the Joker
is not the Riddler,
and...
on this particular crime,
there was no blood
in his Bronco.
- The--
- ( crowd oohing )
Do you know that the--
( chuckles )
You know that
the governor of this state
suggested that we melt down
the toppled statues
of Saddam Hussein
from Baghdad
and use them
in a new World Trade Center
so that we could send
a message to the world
that we are a people
who cannot tell Arabs apart.
( applause )
( laughs )
Which all seems
especially hypocritical
when you think about--
the first thing
the administration told us
after the attacks
was no lumping
the terrorists in
with the whole Muslim world.
These are terrorists
who happened to be Muslim,
but don't enflame
them all by lumping.
But then when they
can't find bin Laden,
"Lump!
Who said no lumping?
We love lumping!
We're lumping people!"
It must've been
so frustrating for them,
you know?
After all that
tough talk about,
"We're gonna get 'em
dead or alive."
Which at some point became,
"Well, he's either dead
or alive.
You know,
that's what we meant.
It's"--
( laughs )
"It's not about one man."
But it is,
and people wanna know,
where's Waldo?
And now we can't find
Hussein,
the guy we went after
because we couldn't
find bin Laden.
And now--
and now they're both
making tapes.
( laughs )
It's like--
I guess what we're trying
to do is get them into some
sort of rappers' war
where they're
dissing each other
on each other's records,
and hopefully they'll pop
a cap in each other's ass
or s--
I don't...
But, look,
if you were against this war
or you don't
like the president,
you have to root for the plan
because this may
have been Bush's war,
but it's America's
peace now.
And you have to root
for the plan to succeed.
The plan,
as I understand it,
being the total humiliation
and liquidation of Iraq,
followed by her rebuilding
from scratch in our image.
Otherwise known
as Scientology.
( laughs )
It is amazing to me
what lies people care
most about.
It blows my mind
that the one lie
that they still can't get over
is Monica Lewinsky.
That-- that one
is the standard of mendacity
that ever came out
of the White House.
When I think
about the lies--
the huge,
steaming-turd whoppers
that I've heard that have
affected all of our lives
just in my lifetime--
"JFK shot by a lone gunman."
"We're winning the war
in Vietnam."
"We didn't trade arms
for hostages."
"Global warming
needs more study."
"Clarence Thomas
is the most qualified person
we can find."
( cheering )
But the one
they can't get over is...
( imitates Bill Clinton )
"I did not get my dick sucked
by that woman."
( cheering, applause )
( normal voice )
I'm so--
( imitates Bill Clinton )
"My hand was not on the titty
when she was on the knob
and that technically
was not--"
( normal voice )
This is what people
obsess about?
It just backs up my case that
this is a feminized country
because obviously
the worst thing anyone
can ever do in America
is get a blowjob.
But lying about a war?
Eh, so what?
And, you know, look.
There is no doubt
that this is a war
that started under
false premises
because this is a war
that originally was sold to us
as one we had to fight
for our own self-preservation,
right?
Because there was
this meteor named Iraq
heading right for us,
and that if we did not
get rid of Saddam Hussein,
the moon would crash
into the Earth
and eagles would eat
your cock.
But when nobody bought
that bullshit,
Bush started to end
every speech with,
"And did I mention
the torture?
The torture!
He gassed his own people!"
Uh, yeah,
when your dad
was president.
And he was so upset about it,
he almost interrupted
his golf game.
I mean, talk--
( cheering, applause )
Talk about
a delayed reaction.
Even the Kurds are like,
"Come on, it was the '80s."
( laughs )
"People were experimenting.
It was a crazy time."
I mean, this is why
we never really had
a coalition, you know.
We had England
because Tony Blair
is George Bush's
prison bitch.
And-- and we had
200 Australians
and a Polish Jeep driver
named Lars.
That--
and by the way,
on that subject, if I could
say one thing.
If I could give the president
just one bit of advice,
it's not a critique,
but, Mr. President,
when you have those joint
press conferences,
let Tony Blair
do the talking, you know?
( cheering )
Come on,
Mr. President.
You're too big for that.
You're the star of this thing.
You're Clint Eastwood.
Let the gay
English character actor...
lay the pipe.
No, war is a lot easier
than peace.
There's a lot of bright guys
in that administration,
but they forgot
about that.
But it is too late
for the Democrats
to be crying foul
about this weapons
of mass destruction stuff.
They knew that
was hyped bullshit
when they voted for it
in October.
Now, should the President
of the United States
be a little bit more careful
about the intelligence he gets
and perhaps not trust
Austin Powers?
Yes.
( laughs )
Does the average American
have more dangerous chemicals
in his garage?
Yes, apparently.
But, you know,
they still might find
weapons of mass destruction.
And if they don't,
I have it on good authority
that the Los Angeles
Police Department
will plant them.
- But--
- ( applause )
But, you know--
( laughs )
At the end of the day
to this administration
it doesn't matter,
because half the geniuses
in this country
think that we already
found weapons of mass
destruction in Iraq
and the other half
think that George Bush
is a fighter pilot.
That is an administration
that does understand pictures
because, you know,
once they got that picture
of him in the flight suit,
that was all they--
that was what the whole war
was about.
"Hello, look at me,
I'm in a flight suit.
My cock looks huge.
I'm on
an aircraft carrier.
There's-- big cock,
flight suit, me,
military guys,
flag.
Hello.
Why even have an election?"
No, he understands
a picture is worth everything.
I mean, this is a president
with no environmental policy,
but he knows enough
to, every six months,
do a photo op
in front of a giant tree.
Every six months,
he just stands in front
of a big sequoia
with that smirk
on his face like,
( imitating George W. Bush )
"Am I hurtin' that tree?
Am I pissin'
on that tree?
No.
I love that tree.
Tree, me, people.
Do the math."
( normal voice )
And that is the environmental
policy.
( imitating George W. Bush )
"There's a black kid
sittin' on my lap.
I'm readin' to a black kid.
He's sittin' right on me.
Am I freakin' out?
No."
"Am I like,
'Get that tar baby
off of me?' No!"
( normal voice )
And that's the race policy.
I mean, it's just astounding
how they work.
I mean, the 2000 convention
that the Republicans had?
Oh, my God.
The last time the Republicans
had that many
black people on a stage,
they were selling them.
I mean...
( laughs )
Hey, folks, come on.
The entertainment
the first night of
the convention
was Chaka Khan.
This is the party
running on integrity
'cause, you know,
when you get a bunch
of 60-ish red state
white people in a room
voting on entertainment--
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan,
Chaka, Chaka, Chaka, Chaka--
it's all Chaka Khan.
It's, you know,
a couple of votes
for the Gatlin Brothers,
you know.
A few for the Dixie Chicks
before they joined
Al-Qaeda, this is.
That's before.
( laughing )
Oh, it's such a shame
when our country singers
become Islamic
fundamentalists.
Isn't that a--
I don't know why
that keeps happening.
The best photo op ever--
George Bush
about a year ago
at Mount Rushmore.
They set up the podium
at the base of the mountain
so that his head
was exactly in line
and in proportion to the heads
on the mountain,
which I thought
was a pretty sleazy trick.
And I don't think
I'm the only one
who thought that
'cause I swear to God,
for about half a second,
I thought
I saw Lincoln go...
( cheering )
And usually
when they have a photo op,
they usually have
a three-word slogan.
Because that is
our attention span,
three words, you know?
"Restoring
America's Future."
"Testing
America's Gullibility."
'Cause they know
you control the debate
by controlling the word.
You just gotta
control the word.
You just gotta make
the politician say the word
that the hamsters
in the focus group
make hit the pedal.
Say the word that makes
the hamsters hit the pedal.
"Values."
You don't have to mean it,
just say "values."
"Values, yes, values.
We-- we like values.
Values are--
he said values.
We like that.
He has values."
( applause )
They're, uh...
We used to have a tax
in this country called
the estate tax,
which was very popular
because it's a tax
on very, very, very
rich fucks who die.
And people thought,
"That's a good person to tax,"
and that is
a good person to tax
because rich fucks who die
should give away their money
or else they give it
to their ne'er-do-well kid
who becomes Uday Hussein.
But the Republicans
changed the name
from the estate tax
to the death tax.
And people went, "Death?
That could happen to me.
I'm not hittin' the pedal
on that one."
The Republicans
are so much better
at that word game.
Like, they're always
from the heartland.
Heartland?
Come on.
Dick Cheney
from the heartland,
ironically.
Uh...
I remember when they made
the announcement
that Dick Cheney was going to be
the vice president candidate.
They purposefully went back
to the heartland home of his,
back to Casper, Wyoming,
the only town whiter
than the ghost itself.
And they went back
to Dick Cheney's high school,
where he'd been the captain
of the football team,
and, folks, this
was when I knew I would
never be mainstream.
Because obviously
this shit works on people,
but, I mean, I would never
go back to my high school.
I hated my high school.
I hated the captain
of the football team.
I wish we had school shootings
when I was in high school.
These lucky kids today.
I would've loved
to have picked up a gun
and shot a bunch of kids
in my high school,
these spoiled bastards.
Anyway, there's Dick Cheney
back at his high school,
captain of the football team,
and then
the pice de rsistance,
they bring out his wife,
who of course had been
his high school sweetheart.
And, again,
this so doesn't work on me.
That you married
the first chick to give you
a hand job.
You know, that's--
thank you.
Oh, I kid Dick Cheney,
but he has a plan
to save
the government money.
It involves
moving the White House
to the Cayman Islands.
How's that
for wartime loyalty, huh?
These Fortune 500 companies
who move offshore.
Of course, they don't
really move offshore.
That's the scam.
Enron isn't
really headquartered
in the Bahamas.
It's a phone and a monkey.
And a mailbox to collect
their dirty, bloody money.
Plus, how stupid
are these companies,
you know?
The money gets to live
in the Caribbean.
They stay in Newark.
What?
It's so easy
to say anything.
The one that's easy to say now
is, "I support the troops."
It doesn't cost you anything.
"I support the troops."
But I got
a question for you.
Can you really support
the troops
if you also support
these massive tax cuts
for the very rich?
'Cause, you know,
the people we say
are our heroes
are paid by tax dollars.
And we hear about teachers--
have to buy their own
school supplies.
Soldiers in this country
are on food stamps.
Firemen-- well, firemen
get laid so easily, though.
Fuck them.
But anyway--
( laughs )
But, I mean, couldn't
somebody in Congress
stand up and say,
"Why don't we take
half of that big tax cut
and give it
to our heroes?"
Or is that why
they're our heroes?
'Cause they work cheap?
( cheering )
It's okay.
Applause costs you
nothing.
But think about that
next time you see George Bush
hugging a bunch
of military guys.
And, look, I'm not gonna
rag on Bush all night.
Look, I will tell you this.
I will give George Bush
credit for this.
He is working a lot harder
than he thought he'd have to.
You know, there...
( laughing )
( applause, cheering )
I tell ya,
no more homeschooling
for that boy.
He is going to class.
But spare me this nonsense
I have heard so often
about how,
"Oh, we dodged a bullet
when Bush pulled off
the election and then
9/11 happened
because, you know,
if Al Gore had been
president..."
What, we'd be reading
the Quran now, is that it?
Like George Bush
is the only one
who could've pointed
to Afghanistan on a map
and said, "Destroy that"?
I'm sorry, George Bush
pointing out a country
on a map?
- ( laughs )
- ( cheering )
Oh, I didn't know
what I was thinking.
No, no.
Rumsfeld does the pointing.
See, I love him,
Rumsfeld,
'cause he's
so politically incorrect.
How could I not
love him?
And what I love
about him also
is that he makes no effort
to ever be reassuring.
You notice that?
He says things like,
"I don't think they could get
a nuclear bomb in there,
but, yeah, maybe."
( laughs )
What the hell is that?
Oh, and people say
he's Neanderthal and crude
and macho-- you know what?
If we're gonna let
just one guy in America
not have to be a pussy,
I say it's
the Secretary of Defense.
- How about that?
- ( cheering )
However,
the Rumsfelds of the world,
they do need to be watched.
So do the Ashcrofts
and the Bushes and a lot
of other people,
and I think where
the citizens of this country--
where we let
ourselves down--
is that after
the attacks,
just when we should've
been paying more attention,
I think we paid
less attention.
Because thinking
about icky things like war
and terrorism...
( imitates voice breaking )
...would cause stress.
And then they'd win.
( applause )
And the president
fed right into that.
He did not lead on this.
He had about--
a window of opportunity
of about two months
where he could've
asked us to do anything,
and what did he say?
"Keep shopping.
Spend money.
Take your wife to dinner.
Go see 'Cats' again.
Shop till they drop,
girlfriend."
Which is not to say
that we wouldn't
have done more,
'cause I think we would.
We are an industrious people.
But, you know,
we're also a people--
if we can get
out of work, we do.
This was brought home to me
about a year ago
when there was breaking news
from rural Georgia.
Do you remember this story?
They found all these bodies
behind this crematorium
in Georgia.
And when I first heard of it,
I thought, "Ooh, this is some
sort of nefarious cult."
No, just lazy.
( laughs )
Just--
just letting work pile up,
as many of us do.
( laughs )
It was like
the "I Love Lucy" episode
with the chocolates coming
down the conveyor belt,
you know?
The guy just couldn't
keep up with the volume.
Plus, you're talking
about rural Georgia,
so it was confusing
'cause a guy would come in
asking for his wife
and his sister,
"Is that one body or two?"
- You know, that--
- ( audience groaning )
Okay.
Many-- a lot of people
from rural Georgia here
on Broadway?
That happens on Broadway.
Sorry.
Sorry to offend you.
I was just trying
to make the point
that families are allowed
to be different.
Well, we were told that
after 9/11.
That's what
the government said,
you know, that this was not
a clash of civilizations.
Osama bin Laden, for example--
do you know this?
Is the 17th
of 55 children.
It's always the middle 20
that give you the problems.
Is that right?
But-- this is not
a clash of civilizations?
Yeah, we have
two, three kids,
you have 55.
We like to have our women
in the workplace,
you keep yours
in beekeeper suits.
What is up
with the beekeeper suits?
I mean, can you imagine
if some white country
kept its black people
in beekeeper suits?
There'd be a riot
at the UN.
Jesse Jackson's head
would explode.
Al Sharpton would call
a press conference.
( applause )
How do you get away--
how does a country get away
with keeping
half its population
in beekeeper suits?
I'll tell you how.
They say the magic word--
"religion."
It's their religion.
You say "religion,"
you can get away
with anything.
The Catholics
got away with fucking kids,
for crying out loud!
Oh, you're right.
I made that up.
I'm sorry, you're right.
I pulled that
right outta my ass.
That has not been
in the paper a lot.
Excuse me, they had
to have a conference
to decide if they should
continue to fuck kids.
They did.
A guy made a speech.
He said, "Look, we've had
a good long run...
but, uh, it's become
something of a meat market
around here.
Put a little more lotion
on Father Tom, Billy."
I mean, come on.
But, look,
all you need to know
about the fact that this is
a clash of civilizations
is the beekeeper suit,
that burka.
The fact-- the way we treat
our women so differently.
I mean,
in our society,
we try to get women to undress
as much as possible.
We like to be teased.
Whereas their view is,
"If I can't have the pussy,
I don't want to see it.
Okay, just--
that is too painful.
Just throw a tarp on that
because I--
I'll be thinking
about that all day."
You know, whereas
in this country,
women wear these jeans
that are cut--
that had to be
the last straw
for bin Laden.
When those jeans--
that was like, "You pushed
my buttons on--"
Because, you know,
it's like a woman
walks into a place
and just like,
"Hi, you don't even
know my name,
you're one inch
from pussy.
What do you think
about that?
Haven't even met me,
you are one inch from pussy.
We haven't said hello."
You're on the one-yard line,
the game has not begun.
It's amazing.
But I tell-- you know
who I feel sorry for
in America
is whores.
Because what can a whore
wear anymore that--
You know...
( laughs )
What can a whore wear
to signal
the prospective customer,
"No, I'm a real whore.
I'm selling this ass.
I'm not on my way
to an award show,
I'm a whore.
A real whore."
But, you know,
we're all whores.
You do know that,
right?
That's what Jerry Falwell
and Pat Robertson said
after 9/11.
They said, "God let it happen
because we're wicked,
because we're abortionists
and homosexuals and adulterers,
so God let it happen."
Which I don't agree with,
but it cleared something
up for me
because I've always
wondered, right?
"What's the nature of God?"
And now I know.
He's a prick.
Oh, he let it happen.
A prick, wow.
Interesting.
I had heard good things,
but apparently not.
Are there any Christian
fundamentalists here tonight?
No? Because, you know,
I have been defending
the Christian fundamentalists
because it really bothers me
when people compare
their fundamentalists
with ours.
I hear it all the time.
"You know, we have
extremists, too."
Uh, yeah, but this is
a great country because ours
are just funny.
The worst ours can do is,
like, you know, identify
the gay Teletubby.
That's like-- it's purple!
It's purple!
You're-- purple,
gay, hello!
Your kids
are seeing a gay...
You know, whereas
in Saudi Arabia--
you know, our ally.
In Saudi Arabia,
on Friday nights,
they have beheadings for
such crimes as homosexuality
or adultery or being
an infidel or not rewinding
or whatever.
So, yes, Jerry Falwell
and Pat Robertson
are morons who think
homosexuals are going
to burn in hell,
but they're not suggesting
that we go over
to Richard Simmons' house
and cut off his head.
I'm suggesting it.
( laughs )
In fact,
I'm insisting on it.
No.
No, I think
Western civilization
is more enlightened
precisely because
we have learned
how to ignore
our religious leaders.
You know?
Every religious leader
says things.
You know, when one of their
ayatollahs issues a falafel,
they do it.
We don't follow it.
I mean, the pope says
a lot of things.
"No premarital sex."
"Thank you very much.
Charming.
You are a charmer,
thank you.
Hey, kids, get in here.
Look, it's the pope.
Oh, it's like seeing
an albino tiger in the wild.
How much longer
are you gonna be able
to see that, the pope?"
"No masturbation."
"He's doing
all his greatest hits,
look at that."
You know?
"Thank you.
You're a fabulous
Catholic celebrity.
Now go back
to the castle."
Sometimes people
say to me,
"Bill, you're prejudiced
against the Muslims."
No, I promise you
I am not.
"Prejudiced"
comes from prejudge.
I am not prejudging.
I am judging.
Yes, I am judging that
if your TGIF is beheadings...
( chuckles )
...and getting
stoned in your country
is a bad thing,
then, yes,
you're bringing up the rear,
civilization-wise.
You need an enlightenment,
you need a reformation,
you need something.
I don't feel bad
for those 300 killers
we got down
in Guantanamo Bay
always crabbing
about how we don't respect
their religious practices.
You know what? You lost.
Eat what we eat.
Here's
a cheese-filled Snausage.
Enjoy.
( cheering )
You don't like that,
just eat the bun.
You don't like that?
Don't eat anything.
You won't be missed.
I would also say to them
that if we ever find the body
of a suicide attacker,
we will bury it wrong.
Wrong.
With a hooker and a bottle
of Jack Daniels...
( cheering )
...facing Barney's.
That--
that's the worst.
But you have to understand,
you have to embrace
the values
of Western civilization
are not just different,
they are better, okay?
I know a whole generation
has been raised
on the notion
of multiculturalism,
that all civilizations
are just different.
No, not always.
Sometimes things are better.
Rule of law is better
than autocracy and theocracy.
Equality
of the sexes-- better.
Protection
of minorities-- better.
Free speech-- better.
Free elections-- better.
Free appliances
with large purchases--
better.
( cheering, applause )
Don't get so tolerant
that you tolerate intolerance.
Remember what happened
to Salman Rushdie?
He wrote a book,
it got mixed reviews.
( chuckles )
Some people liked it,
some people
wanted his head on a stick.
No one should have to die
for writing a book
with the exception of
"The Bridges of Madison County."
I will--
I will make...
But, look,
I will always defend
the West, our way of life,
but I sure understand
why people hate us around
the world,
and that's not just Arabs
and not just Muslims.
Lots of people hate us,
and they're not all wrong.
I'll give you an example
just from our own hemisphere.
Do you know
what Plan Colombia is?
Well, you get the first 12 CDs
for a penny.
No, that's--
no, Plan Colombia is a massive
defoliation program
that we have going
that our military is conducting
in the country of Colombia
that is ruining
their countryside.
Why are we doing it?
Because there are some plants
down there that are evil.
How do we know
they're evil?
Well, they don't have
Bristol-Myers Squibb,
Eli Lilly, or Pfizer
written on them.
So...
And, by the way,
if cocaine gave you
an erection
instead
of took one away,
not only would it be legal,
but Bob Dole would
do ads for it.
We do give the world
the impression
that we think American lives
are more valuable
than anybody else's lives,
which is odd
because we're supposed to be
a religious people,
and I thought God made humans
and not Americans.
But I didn't even know
he was a prick.
I think people hate us
around the world
because they perceive
that we waste when
we could share,
and they're not
totally wrong about that.
We are gluttonous.
We shop with forklifts.
We eat giant food
off of giant plates.
We have a holiday
where we stuff food
into other food.
- ( applause )
- I mean...
Thanksgiving
is really typical
of how we think
about third world
indigenous people.
We celebrate
the one nice moment
we ever had with the Indians.
It'd be like
a date rapist saying,
"Let's concentrate
on the nice dinner we had
early in the evening..."
( applause, cheering )
Yeah, I'm not--
( chuckles )
You know,
if you're an American
and you're born at this time
of the history, especially,
you're lucky.
We all are.
We won the world history
Powerball lottery.
But a little modesty about it
might keep the heat off of us,
you know?
I can't take people
who say things like,
"We built this country."
You built nothing.
I think the railroads were
pretty much up by 1980.
These are the same people
who always get all uppity
about immigration.
"They're taking
American jobs."
Yeah, right.
Like you'd stand on the freeway
and sell oranges out of a bag.
These poor people
swim through a river of sludge
to get here
to park our cars,
pick our fruit,
blow our leaves.
They do all the jobs
nobody else wants to do,
like landscaping
and impregnating Madonna.
And what do people say?
"Keep 'em out.
Build a wall."
Which is a dumb idea.
Walls never work.
The one they're building
in Israel isn't gonna work,
the Berlin Wall didn't work,
the Great Wall of China
didn't work,
that invisible space diaphragm
that we're putting up there...
although that one,
I must say--
when I read recently
that the North Korean guy,
Lil' Kim--
you know the guy?
When I read that he had
missiles that could reach
Los Angeles,
I was like,
"What is the delay with
the space shield, please?
Could we get
the magic umbrella
up and working?"
'Cause, you see,
danger focuses the mind.
I don't know why
that hasn't worked better
here already.
Like, especially
at the airport.
You think that would
be the one place
where it would've
worked better.
And people say,
"Oh, things have gotten
better at the airport."
Really?
No, they've gotten whiter.
It looks to me
like they just fired
all the black people
and hired white people.
I don't know why,
but it used to be Shaniqua
with the eight-inch fingernails
going through my bag...
and now it's
a white guy named Roy.
But-- but white, black,
they're still using
the same method--
random.
Random.
Al Gore famously
was pulled out of line.
Al Gore.
Now, come on,
he's two electoral votes
from being president,
but he's the terrorist?
At least that's how
they reported it on Fox News.
- But, uh...
- ( cheering )
But, come on.
Do we really need
to search Al Gore?
And they gave him
the full search,
including
the anal cavity search,
and they found his head.
Oh.
You know what?
You gotta get over that.
Al Gore lost that election
all by himself
by maintaining his pledge
to end charisma as we know it.
You gotta get over Florida,
Democrats, seriously.
The Republicans
did not steal that election.
It did fall off a truck...
( laughs )
...but they didn't
exactly steal it.
But, no, I mean, come on,
at the airports,
it was over a year
after 9/11
when people at the airport,
the authorities,
were still using
the honor system.
Remember, we still
had to answer those
two brilliant questions--
"Did you pack
your own bags?"
"No, Allah packed
my bags today.
What, bad answer?"
You know,
we still have to show
our ID three times.
That's the key,
three times before
you get on the plane,
'cause who could ever
have a fake ID?
Bush's daughters
had a fake ID.
Come on.
Yeah.
ID-- like it's gonna say
"Carlos the Jackal"
right on it.
"Mr. the Jackal,
please step out of line."
The first thing they did
at LAX after the attack
to calm everybody's nerves
was they put out a decree:
no more
curbside drop-offs
except
by licensed people.
Only licensed
taxis and limousines.
All of which, of course,
are driven by people
from Afghanistan,
Pakistan, Fuckyoustan,
We-hate-you-stan,
Shove-it-up-your-ass-stan.
You know, if that Republican
slogan machine
could just come up with
a better name than "profiling."
If they would just call it
"proactive intelligence
screening,"
people would go,
"It's about time we had
a little of that around here."
'Cause, you know,
it's good to be color-blind
and it's good
to be ethnic-blind
and it's good to be
religious-blind,
but at the end of the day,
blind does mean you can't see.
And if you can't see,
how are you gonna tell
what color it is
on the Terrorist Threat
Advisory Chart?
'Cause, you know,
I go by that thing.
Don't you?
'Cause, you know,
like, when it's yellow,
I'm pretty normal,
you know.
I'm just-- maybe--
maybe I look around
every four or five--
but when it's orange,
I--
what, take a sweater?
I mean, what--
what is the plan here?
( applause )
Now, you know
that we are not serious
about winning the terror war
for one simple reason.
Because we still
have a drug war.
I think it's very telling
that the last airport incident
I heard about before 9/11
was when Aaron Sorkin,
the brilliant writer/producer
of "The West Wing,"
got caught trying to take
mushrooms to Las Vegas.
Ooh, when I heard that,
I said,
"What a great idea."
No wonder why this guy
wins the Emmy every year.
That's a brilliant way
to make that town bearable.
- But...
- ( applause )
But thank God
they got him, huh?
Because, you know,
if we start letting
creative people
take funny mushrooms
to resort cities...
what?
What would happen?
Please, tell me.
Take me down
that slippery slope,
from Aaron Sorkin
with his mushrooms
to your kid turning tricks
behind a dumpster
to make a fix.
Take me on that journey
and I will get behind
the drug war.
The police report said
that Mr. Sorkin's judgment
was impaired
getting on the plane.
I hope so.
Isn't that
what we're trying for?
I mean,
is he driving the plane?
'Cause if not,
why do we need judgment
on the plane?
"Peanuts, trail mix,
I-- I don't know.
I can't decide.
Four bucks for
the Sandra Bullock movie?
I-I--
my mind is cloudy."
Judgment impaired
going to Las Vegas,
a town built on impairing
people's judgment.
Have you ever been
to a casino?
There's no clocks,
there's no oxygen,
they're plying you
with liquor.
You need a police dog
just to find your way out.
But don't get fucked up
on the way.
Let the professionals
fuck you up.
- ( applause, cheering )
- That's--
Which--
( chuckles )
Which is,
by the way,
the official drug policy
of the United States
government.
I'm not kidding.
That is our drug policy.
Let the professionals
fuck you up.
It's not like
we don't have drugs
in this country.
We got a million drugs.
Let the professionals
do it, though.
Why is marijuana,
the one drug that never
killed anybody,
somehow on the illegal side
of the divide?
Why does every administration,
Democrat, Republican,
take the same
stupid dodge about,
"We need to do
more study"?
Yeah, they all study it.
You know what they found?
It makes you eat
cookie dough.
I think the drugs
that are a lot scarier
are the ones they advertise
on the 6:30 evening news.
- Those--
- ( applause, cheering )
I mean, they advertise
these prescription drugs
that--
damned if I know
what the problem is,
what the cure is.
It's just
vaguely happy people.
Just-- it's a woman
in a wheat field.
She's just very happy
about wheat.
I don't-- you know--
there's one with a guy
dancing on a melting clock.
I'm not kidding.
He's dancing
on a melting clock.
"You may not need"--
I don't care about need,
I want that one, okay?
That's--
this is past need.
"Tell your doctor..."
Tell your doctor?
Shouldn't your doctor
tell you what drugs you need?
When you tell
your doctor,
isn't he just a dealer
at that point?
( cheering )
It's funny, in America,
half the people in this country
think that drugs
is what you have to regulate
to make us safer
and half the people
think guns--
that's what you gotta regulate
to make us safer.
But I always think,
if you're gonna regulate
one thing
that has the most potential
to cause death and destruction--
religion,
you gotta start
with religion.
- I'm not--
- ( applause )
I don't say this
out of bitterness.
Look,
I was raised Catholic.
But, you know,
I was never molested.
And I'm a little insulted,
quite frankly.
( smacks lips )
I guess they didn't
find me attractive.
But, uh, I was attractive
and it's their loss.
I-- I really understand
how this nightmare
of clerical pedophilia
could've happened,
because if you're a priest
and you spend your whole life
spewing this nonsense
about the snake and the whale
and the apple
and the rib,
it's like,
"Oh, fuck it.
Just blow me, kid."
What the fuck?
Just...
Also, what is so hard
about just saying
the words, "I don't know"?
I don't know.
Of course there are questions
that plague all of us.
How did we get here?
What happens when we die?
Is there a heaven?
Am I on the list?
Who let the dogs out?
Yes.
But why would you believe
what some other human being
whose brain, I promise you,
is no bigger or better
than yours--
when he tells you
he knows what happens
when you die?
"Don't masturbate now.
You won't get to hang out
with Jesus in heaven.
How do I know?
I-- I've got a pointy hat.
I've got a hat and a robe
and I have smoke
and a wand."
It's so gay,
the whole church.
It's just-- could they just
come out of the closet?
Really?
I mean, it's just so--
you know, every Sunday,
it's such a pageant
with the costumes
and the wands and the goblets
and the smoke
and the kneeling down
in front of another man
with your mouth open.
Nothing gay
about that, no.
( laughs )
Nothing gay there.
( sighs )
So...
( chuckles )
...are our religions corrupt?
Yes, of course they are.
But once again, I have to say,
their religions, even worse.
Even worse.
I mean, that thing
about the 72 virgins?
That's the lowest.
Promising pussy
in the afterlife
is the lowest thing
I've ever heard in my life.
( applause )
I mean,
I am no Christian,
but I do think Jesus
is a fantastic role model,
and the reason he is
is because he never said
anything like,
"Blessed are the meek
for they shall get laid."
( laughs )
Also, by the way,
72 virgins
is very suspicious to me.
It's a clue.
It tells you
we're dealing with people
from a bartering culture.
Because nobody starts
with that number.
Somebody said,
"100 virgins." "50."
"85." "69." "79."
"71." "73." "72."
"Done."
That's how you got 72.
Yes.
We are dealing with people
from the Middle East.
Arabs and Jews
who have a lot more in common
than they would like to admit,
and one of the things
they have in common
is that they're
from the Middle East,
which was called that
because it's in the middle.
Because everything that went
from Europe to Asia
always through--
the commerce always had
to go through the middle.
That's why Columbus
was looking for another way.
And people said to him,
"Chris,
if you take this journey,
you're gonna die."
And he said,
"I would rather sail off
the edge of the fucking world
than deal with those people
one more day!"
( cheering )
( laughing )
Have you been
to the mall?
But people
from the Middle East,
they are good with money.
That is in their history.
It is in their heritage.
Terrorists are very good
with money for that reason.
They're brilliant
at laundering money.
It's the one thing
they do launder.
( audience groans )
Ooh, ooh, oh, Bill.
Don't make fun of the people
who attacked us.
No, it's true.
They know how to move things
through untraceable items,
including-- and I know
women hate to hear this--
diamonds.
A good way to fight terrorism--
don't buy diamonds
'cause they move stuff
through diamonds.
And, well, I know women,
they hate to hear that
because women
think about diamonds
the way men
think about sex
the way leeches
think about blood.
But diamonds have
a lot of blood on them
even without
the terrorist connection.
Take that away, they have
a lot of blood on them
because diamonds are mined
in Africa by rebel armies.
And the rebel armies
control the territory
and make the villagers
mine the diamonds,
and they control them
through terror,
through such lovely things
as cutting off the arms
of the little children,
something you never see
in the De Beers commercials.
Now, I told this
to a woman recently
who is only
about the nicest person
I've ever met.
But she is a woman,
and I told her about Africa
and the armies and the rebels
and the terror
and the cutting off the arms
of the little children,
and she looked up at me
with a little sad face
and said,
"Both arms?"
I swear to God,
that's a true story.
Now, I know it's the national
law here in America
that women
are more evolved than men,
but if that's true, how come
they're still so impressed
by shiny objects?
I'm just asking.
I'm just asking.
Please, it is not anti-woman
just to talk about women, okay?
And we're going
to do it now...
because when I say this is
a feminized country,
first of all,
understand that I get it
that there are millions
and millions of women
who are steely-eyed realists
and millions
and millions of men
who are anything but.
However,
for lack of a better term,
I would say
that the feminine values
are now the values of America.
Sensitivity is more important
than truth.
Feelings are more important
than facts.
Commitment is more important
than individuality.
Children are more important
than people.
Safety is more important
than fun.
I always hear women say,
you know,
"Married men live longer."
Uh, yes,
and an indoor cat...
also...
lives longer.
( laughs )
It's a fur ball
with a broken spirit
that can only look out
on a world it will never enjoy,
but it does
technically live longer.
See, this is
very personal to me
because I'm, like,
the last of my guy friends
to have never
gotten married,
and their wives,
they don't want them
playing with me.
You know, I--
I'm like the escaped slave.
I bring news of freedom,
you know?
It's-- it's not a good thing
to have me around, you know?
( Southern accent )
Keep the husbands in the dark.
They're happier that way.
So I know women
don't have it easy
in America,
but it is sort of
politically incorrect
just to be male
in this country now.
I mean, look at television.
Look at any sitcom.
The wife is always
brilliant and ethereal
and right
about everything.
And the husband
is always a dumb fuck
lucky to have found her.
The only smart men
on television are Frasier
and his brother,
both of whom are gayer
than Little Richard's
underpants.
So, I understand
that women suffer,
but I don't think
it's as much publicized
that a lot of men
in America
are living lives
of quiet desperation,
lobotomized
of their libido,
anesthetizing themselves
with sports and pornography
and living
in an Orwellian world
where we have
to pretend to concur
with the woman's
point of view.
On any TV show in America,
if somebody
got up there and said,
"You know,
women are smarter than men,"
automatic round of applause.
If somebody said,
"Men are smarter than women,"
you'd be booed
off the stage.
I mean,
what does that tell you
about our culture
that we have to pretend
that one sex is smarter
than the other?
Women are smarter
than men.
If women ran the world,
there'd be no wars.
Being pregnant is sexy.
You know, just a whole
roster of things
that we don't really believe,
but we pretend to believe
because it's easier
to make women nod
than to live
in the doghouse.
I heard one
on daytime TV
the other day.
Only a woman
could've said this,
and of course everyone
pretended it was true.
She said,
"A couple should explore
their mutual fantasies."
( laughs )
There are no such things
as mutual fantasies.
Yours bore us,
ours offend you.
Trust me.
Ladies, trust me,
there is no fantasy
where a handsome prince
runs to you across a meadow
and takes you in his arms
and pledges
his undying love
and then comes
on your face, okay?
That would be
a mutual fantasy
if you've ever seen
a porn movie.
( laughs )
But I think--
I think men are just tired
of apologizing
for being men,
and I think women
would be a lot happier
if you'd stop making us
apologize for it.
You'd save yourselves
a lot of wear and tear.
For one thing,
give you one example,
no woman in America
would ever get breast implants.
Because if you really
got inside the man's mind,
you'd understand
that it's never about
big or little
or short or tall
or blonde or brunette.
It's only about
old and new.
Hugh Grant had
Elizabeth Hurley at home.
He wanted
Marvin Hagler in a wig.
You cannot reform biology.
And, by the way,
the male impetus
to spread our seed
is why we are
a successful species.
That is why
we're sitting here
right now.
But do we get thanks for it?
No, we get impeached.
( applause )
Hey, you know what?
That whole election
was a feminized issue
because that 2000 election
was all about the Republican
marketing machine.
They were able to morph
monogamy into integrity
the same way they morphed
bin Laden into Hussein.
I mean, Bush's
whole campaign was all,
"We're gonna
be restoring integrity."
Well, excuse me,
but the Bush family,
especially when they're running
for the White House,
has no more integrity
than anybody else.
They do what they have to
to win like everybody else.
Maybe they don't have less,
but they don't have more.
The difference is
they fuck their wives.
And that's what he ran on.
"I fuck my wife!
I'm a wife fucker!
I have integrity!
I fuck my wife!
Unlike a certain president
I could name.
And his vice president
who 'was there.'"
"Was there."
They make it sound
like Al Gore
was holding Monica's hair,
you know?
"Come on, babe.
Come on, honey,
finish up.
I got Arafat waiting
in the Rose Garden here, babe."
I mean, come on.
"The Starr Report"
was a marketing document.
It had nothing
to do with the law
and had everything to do
with making sure
everybody knew
all the lurid little details,
like that one of their trysts
took place on Easter.
That's right,
the president had his dick
in a Jew's mouth
on Easter!
Run against that,
motherfucker!
And Al Gore took the bait.
That's why Al Gore
tried to prove
that he loved his wife
even more.
Remember he kissed her
at the convention?
That disgusting kiss?
Have you ever seen
anything so disgusting?
Can you imagine
any other politician?
Can you imagine
Richard Nixon?
"Come here,
Pat, you bitch."
I'm gonna chew
on your ass, you little"--
But that was
Al Gore's way of saying,
"I fuck my wife, too."
And a week later,
George Bush let himself
get caught on camera
grabbing his wife's ass
'cause that's
his way of saying,
"Oh, you're not gonna steal
the integrity issue from us.
We're the wife fuckers
in this election!
I fuck my wife,
my brother fucks his wife,
my dad even fucks
his wife.
And that's
a lot of integrity."
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
You're a great crowd.
- ( cheering )
- ( music playing )
Thank you.
I appreciate
you coming out!
Thank you!
Thank you, folks.
Thank you very much.
( music continues )