Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure (1989) Movie Script

Hi. Welcome to the future.
San Dimas, California, 2688,
and I'm telling you,
it's great here.
The air is clean.
The water's clean.
Even the dirt is clean.
Bowling averages are way up.
Mini-golf scores are way down.
And we have more
excellent water slides
than any other planet
we communicate with.
I'm telling you this place is great.
But it almost wasn't.
You see, 700 years ago, the two
great ones ran into a few problems.
So now I have to travel
back in time to help them out.
If I should fail to keep these two
on the correct path,
the basis of our society
will be in danger.
Don't worry, it'll all make sense.
I'm a professional.
I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
And I'm Ted "Theo..."
- Bill, here, you take it.
- OK.
- And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan.
- Yeah!
And we're Wyld Stallyns!
Let's bail.
We blew it.
Guess we used too much power.
I liked it.
Ted, while I agree that in time
our band will be most triumphant,
the truth is, Wyld Stallyns
will never be a super band
until we have
Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe
we will get Eddie Van Halen
until we have a triumphant video.
Ted, it's pointless to have
a triumphant video
before we even have
decent instruments.
How can we have decent instruments
when we really don't know how to play?
That is why we need Eddie Van Halen.
And that is why
we need a triumphant video.
- Excellent!
- Excellent!
- We're late.
- For what?
- For school, dude.
- Oh, yeah.
Bill, I'm waiting.
He's dead?
So Bill, what you're telling me,
is that Napoleon was
a short, dead dude.
Well, yeah.
You totally blew it, dude.
- Ted, stand up.
- Stand up?
Yes, son, stand up.
Now... who was Joan of Arc?
Noah's wife?
Listen guys, don't forget, tomorrow,
final report, 1:30 to 3:30, OK?
Hey, guys.
Mr. Ryan, before you say anything,
my distinguished colleague Ted and I
wish to express to you our thanks
for all the things
we have learned in your class.
And what have you learned?
We have, uh...
We've learned that the
world has a great history.
Yes, and that thanks
to great leaders
such as... Genghis Khan,
Joan of Arc, and Socratic Method,
the world is... full of history.
It seems to me that
the only thing you have learned
is that Caesar...
is a salad dressing dude.
Bill, Ted, this is really quite simple.
You have flunked
every section of this class.
Now unless you get an A-plus
on your final oral report tomorrow...
...guys, I have no choice
but to flunk the both of you.
Now you know your topics,
so I would suggest that you at least
cover those areas
if you want to pass the course.
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
Your report had better be
something very special.
Ah, man.
Well, what are we
supposed to know for our report?
I'm not sure.
One thing I know is that
Joan of Arc is not Noah's wife.
Well then, who is Noah's wife?
I don't know, Ted.
But I do know
we're in serious trouble.
Listen to this:
"Express to the class how
an important historical figure
from each of your time periods would
view the world of San Dimas, 1988."
We're in danger of flunking
most heinously tomorrow, Ted.
Hi, Bill.
Want a ride?
Sure, Missy.
I mean, Mom.
- Your stepmom's cute.
- Shut up, Ted.
Remember when she was
a senior and we were freshmen?
Shut up, Ted!
I'll be right back,
as soon as I get my books.
What are you doing home, Dad?
- I'm looking for my keys.
- Oh.
You haven't done anything
with them, have you?
No, sir.
I spoke to your principal today, Ted.
He said you're failing history.
- Me and Bill...
- He also said
that if you fail history,
you flunk out of school.
You know what that would mean,
don't you, Ted?
That I would have to go
to Oates Military Academy, sir.
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning.
He's anxious to meet you, Ted.
Dude, we gotta pass.
Otherwise there's no more band.
My dad's sending me to military school.
It is time.
Their separation is imminent.
Be excellent to each other.
Party on, dude.
OK, Ted.
George Washington.
One: The father of our country.
Two: Born on President's Day.
Three: The dollar bill guy.
Bill, you ever made a mushroom
out of his head?
Ted... Alaska.
OK. Um...
Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.
That's Captain Ahab, dude.
Oh, wait. Remember Disney World,
the Hall of Presidents?
Yeah, good, what'd he say?
"Welcome to the Hall of Presidents."
Hi, I brought you guys some food.
It's your mom, dude!
How's it going, guys?
We are destined to flunk most
egregiously tomorrow.
And I am destined to end up
at Oates Military Academy.
And then we will never start our band.
- What are you guys studying anyway?
- History.
- Mr. Ryan?
- Uh-huh.
Tell him, "hi."
Why don't you guys take a dinner break?
Thanks, Dad.
Now your dad's going for it...
in your own room!
Shut up, Ted.
- Your stepmom is cute, though.
- Shut up, Ted.
Remember when I asked her
to the prom?
Shut up, Ted!
Twelve-seventy-five, 1275, 1275...
OK, the lady in that car over there
said that Marco Polo
was in the year 1275.
So it's not just a water sport,
I knew it.
Excuse me,
when did the Mongols rule China?
I don't know.
I just work here.
Well, you wanna try the Thrifty Mart?
Not bad.
Greetings, my excellent friends.
Do you know when
the Mongols ruled China?
Well... perhaps we could ask them.
Bill S. Preston, Esquire...
...and Ted "Theodore" Logan.
Gentlemen, I'm here to help you
with your history report.
- Whoo!
- I hate that part.
- Bill?
- What?
Strange things are afoot
at the Circle K.
Dudes, you guys
are gonna go back in time.
You are going to have a most excellent
adventure through history.
- Who are you guys?
- We're you, dude!
No way. No way!
- Yes way, Ted!
- Look, we know how you feel.
We didn't believe it either
when we were you
and we-us said what we-us
are saying right now.
OK wait, if you guys are really us...
...what number are we thinking of?
Sixty-nine, dudes!
Look, we've gotta go.
Yeah, we gotta get back to the report.
Listen to this dude, Rufus.
He knows what he's talking about.
Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.
- Who?
- You'll see.
Gentleman... is everything all right?
Yeah, except, how come...
Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!
Thanks, Rufus.
Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.
Dude, are you sure
we should be doing this?
Ted, you and I have
witnessed many things,
but nothing as bodacious
as what just happened.
Besides we told ourselves
to listen to this guy.
What if we were lying?
Why would we lie to ourselves?
How are you gonna help us?
Yeah, are you gonna call someone
and get the answers?
Gentlemen, we're gonna do
a lot more than that.
Whoa. Excellent.
Brace yourselves, amigos.
...we're history.
Rufus, where are we, dude?
These are the circuits
of history, gentlemen.
They'll take us to
any point in time we wish.
Modern technology, William.
- That was most unprecedented, Rufus.
- Yeah.
But where are we, Rufus?
Austria, 1805,
the French have just invaded.
Bill, check it out!
We're in the middle of a war, dude!
Amigos, time to depart.
How's it going, dude?
Now where are we, dude?
Oh, it's my house.
Rufus, can we go anywhere we want,
at any time?
Gentlemen, you can do anything you want,
as long as you remember this:
No matter what happens,
you must get to that report. Got it?
All right, amigos, that book
will give you the number
of any place you want to go.
Now, most important,
no matter what you do,
no matter where you go,
that clock, the clock in San Dimas,
is always running. Got it?
- Yeah.
- All right, time for me to go.
What do you mean, Rufus?
Yeah, aren't you coming with us?
Gentlemen, you're on your own.
- Ted?
- What?
This has been a most unusual day.
- Ted, it's Napoleon.
- Who?
The short, dead dude
from our history review.
Ted, I have a most excellent idea.
Grab his legs, we gotta get him inside.
I think I've figured out a way
to pass our report.
Well, we've got one
historical figure here.
Maybe we can go back
and get some more.
you have to watch this guy.
His name is Napoleon.
He's a very famous French dude.
We have decided to collect other
important figures from history
for an oral report we are doing.
While we are gone, you are
not to let him out of your sight.
Here is some money.
Take him to the movies or something.
Napoleon, I am Bill.
We'll take you back to France after you
tell us what you think of San Dimas.
- This is Ted's little brother, Deacon.
- Hi.
He'll take care of you.
- Ready, Ted?
- Ready, Bill.
Let's go back into history.
This should be most triumphant.
I want to speak with you, son.
Alone please, Bill.
All right, sit down.
What am I gonna do with you?
You can't...
You lose my keys.
You fail history.
You spend all your time
with your loser friend
planning a band that'll never happen.
Now you're not to leave this house again
until tomorrow morning.
- Yes?
- Captain Logan?
This is Deputy Van Halen
down at the station.
Deputy Van Halen?
I'm new, dude... sir.
Look, we found your keys,
and if you want 'em,
you better come and get 'em.
When I get back from the station,
I want you packed and ready to go.
Got it?
We are in serious trouble.
My dad already signed me up,
my plane leaves tomorrow night.
Only if we fail, dude.
No way!
OK, we got Sigmund Freud,
Beethoven... Uh...
Is there one for Western Movement
in America in the 19th Century?
Well then...
...let's reach out
and touch someone.
How's it going, Old West Dude?
Hey, Bill,
this is just like Frontierland.
but you can get shot here, Ted.
- Just try to act natural.
- OK.
- Howdy, partner.
- Howdy.
Watch out
for the horse crap, Ted.
Ugh. Thanks, dude.
- Hey, Bill, I'm totally thirsty.
- Me too.
Two beers, please.
Whoa! He didn't even card us, dude!
Yeah, we have to
remember this place.
So, who should we take with us?
- Who's he?
- He's Billy the Kid.
He's famous, dude.
Let's bag him.
I need two men.
Who's with me?
We're with you, Billy the Kid.
Here's the deal.
What I win, I keep.
What you win, I keep.
Sounds good, Mr. The Kid.
Dude, you gotta have a poker face,
like me.
Whoa! Three aces!
What the hell's going on here, Billy?
Are you cheating us, Kid?
Look, we're totally weak.
We can't possibly fight you.
However, how would you gentlemen like... passes to Waterloo.
Home of excellent water slides.
Nice try, dude.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
Come on.
- Look!
- It's the Goodyear blimp.
I can't believe
they fell for that!
- Let's get 'em!
- Kill 'em!
Come on!
- You guys saved my life.
- Nothing doing, Billy the Kid.
- Where we going?
- The Golden Age of Civilization.
- Where?
- Ancient Greece, dude.
Don't worry, we'll bring you back
as soon as you talk in our report.
What the?
- Hey, we know that name.
- Yeah!
Hey, look him up.
- Oh. It's under So-crates.
- Oh, yeah.
'The only true wisdom consists
in knowing that you know nothing."'
- That's us, dude!
- Oh, yeah!
- Let's bag him.
- Yeah.
How's it going?
I'm Bill, this is Ted.
We're from the future.
Socrates. Hm...
Now what?
I don't know.
Philosophize with him.
All we are is dust in the wind, dude.
- Wind.
- Dude.
Let's get out of here, dude.
All right!
Not bad, eh, So-crates?
- Where are we, dude?
- England, 15th century.
We are in most excellent shape
for our report.
Yeah, all we need
is one more speaker from medieval.
Billy, you are dealing
with the oddity of time travel
with the greatest of ease.
Excuse me.
Do you know where there are any
personages of historical significance
around here?
Check it out.
It must be the castle of King Henry.
Let's go, dude!
Billy, guard the booth.
And watch So-crates.
So, who should we get from medieval?
How about that gnarly old goat dude?
I'm in love, dude.
Those must be the princesses you
told yourself about at the Circle K.
We gotta go, it's a history report,
not a babe report.
But Bill...
...those are historical babes.
OK, you're the ladies man,
how we gonna meet 'em?
- Bill?
- What?
- These are heavy.
- Yeah, heavy metal.
We gotta go find the princesses.
Watch it!
Who turned out all the lights?
- Hey, Bill?
- What?
I'm Darth Ted.
Yeah, well I'm Luke Bill.
And you're not my father.
Come on!
I totally conquered you, dude!
No way!
Come on!
I'll never rule the universe with you.
- Hey, Bill.
- What?
We totally
know how to sword fight.
Ah! Whoa!
Search the castle,
there might be more of them.
Get out of here!
Most non-triumphant.
Ah, Ted... don't be dead, dude.
You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!
- Ted, you're alive!
- Yeah!
I fell out of my suit
when I hit the floor.
Dude, you totally
boned that dude in the head.
He's a total bonehead.
...that fat old man. I must find
a way to escape before the night.
But how?
- What's that?
- Whoa...
I can't believe they're here.
How's it going, ladies?
You're the ones we saw
in front of the castle.
I am Ted of San Dimas.
And, uh... I bring to you
a message of love.
- From who?
- From... from myself.
And what is this message you speak of?
Lyrics, dude.
Recite 'em some lyrics.
Oh, you beautiful babes from England,
for whom we have traveled through time.
Will you go to the prom
with us in San Dimas?
- We will have a most triumphant time.
- Way to go, dude.
- Joanna! Elizabeth!
- It's father!
- What does your father want?
- We're to be married
- to horrible old men today.
- No way!
Will you help us escape?
Of course, babes.
How's it going, royal ugly dudes?
I am the Earl of Preston.
And I am the Duke of Ted.
Put them in the iron maiden.
Iron Maiden?
Execute them!
We'll save you, babes!
Witches! Heretics!
I saw them!
They fell from the sky!
They fell out of the sky!
They had fire in their eyes,
and they had horns!
Off with their heads!
Oh, no.
- Bill?
- What?
I believe our adventure through time
has taken a most serious turn.
- Billy!
- So-crates!
Let's go!
- Guards! After them!
- Ah!
- So-crates!
- Bye, babes!
Catch you later, medieval dudes.
Kill them! Guards!
Stop them! Stop them!
Hurry up, Billy!
Get out of the way!
Move out of the way!
Come on, get out of here!
Dial fast, dude!
I'm sorry, the number you have
dialed is not in service at this time.
Please check your directory
and dial again.
- Oh, no.
- Party on, dude.
OK, I got one, let's go!
You guys stay here.
Where are we, dude?
I don't know.
They sure do play excellent music.
Most outstanding.
- It's you.
- Yeah!
It's us!
Who are we?
Bill, I think they
want us to say something.
What should I say?
Make something up.
Be excellent to each other.
Party on, dudes!
Good one, dude.
Well, we gotta get back to our report.
Yeah, we'd take you with us,
but it's a history report,
not a future report.
Let's get back
and do our report.
Good idea.
- Dude, where're we going?
- I don't know.
I think the booth's broke.
We gotta keep going to San Dimas
until we get back and get Napoleon.
Behold, the Ziggy Pig.
The single greatest ice cream spectacle
known to man.
Eat the pig.
Eat the pig.
Ziggy, ziggy, ziggy, zig!
It's ice cream.
You eat it.
It's good.
Whatever, just eat it.
All behold, he ate the pig.
Thus proving that he's a Ziggy Piggy,
Ziggy Piggy, Ziggy Piggy.
What's that?
I don't know.
- Shit!
- Whoa!
Where'd we land now?
Dude, it's Sigmund Freud.
How much time have we got left?
Tons! Why?
Extra credit, dude!
How's it going, Freud dude?
Let go of me.
What are you doing?
Come on, So-crates.
Welcome aboard, Ms. Joan of Arc.
My name's Ted, and this is Bill.
Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan?
Say "please."
Come on, guys! Jump him!
Yes, what can I...
We've got plenty of time,
but we don't have any more room left.
- Ted, we're outta control.
- What?
The next place we stop we gotta try and
figure out what's wrong with the booth.
Bill, I think I got an idea
what's wrong.
The antenna's broken.
Yeah! All right.
Come on, let's ditch him.
Hold on there.
Not so fast, buddy.
- Buddy?
- You ain't paid yet.
- Pay?
- Pay.
I don't want to see you
around here anymore! Beat it!
Beat it, buddy!
Here is a treat
to make a minor prehistoric pit stop
a bit more enjoyable.
Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
I sure hope this works.
I think it's working, dude.
Just a little farther...
...I hope!
Hey! That's us.
We're back in San Dimas.
Yeah, only now it's not now.
It's last night.
- Dude.
- What?
Let's go talk to ourselves.
What do we say anyway, anyways?
I don't know.
Let's go find out.
Sixty-nine, dudes!
Look dudes, we've gotta go.
Listen to this dude Rufus,
he knows what he's talking about.
Right. Oh, and Ted,
give my love to the princesses.
- Who?
- You'll see.
Gentlemen, is everything all right?
Yeah, except how come
the number we dialed for San Dimas
brought us here
instead of to tomorrow, Rufus?
Because in San Dimas
it is tomorrow, William.
You have to dial one number higher.
Oh, yeah. Thanks Rufus.
And you better hurry,
because you don't have much time.
What do you mean, Rufus?
We got ten hours left.
You got two hours.
Ted, you forgot to wind
your watch again.
Even after you reminded yourself not to.
Well, I better remind myself again.
Ted, don't forget to wind your watch!
Thanks, Rufus.
Catch ya later, Bill and Ted.
That conversation
made more sense this time.
Ted, you're too tall, man.
- Great, we made it!
- Huh?
- Who's the seorita? She's cute.
- It's his mom, dude.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Missy. I mean Mom.
Uh, Mrs. Preston, we'd like you
to meet some of our friends.
Yeah, this is, uh, Dave Beethoven.
And, uh... Maxine of Arc.
Herman the Kid.
Bob Genghis Khan.
- So-crates Johnson.
- Hi.
Dennis Freud and, uh...
...Abraham Lincoln.
Well, it's nice to meet you all.
There are sodas in the fridge.
Mom, can you give us a ride someplace?
Bill, I'm not taking you anywhere
until you do your chores.
This is the San Dimas mall.
And this is where people
of today's world hang out.
All right, everybody,
watch your step getting off.
Beethoven, make sure you
don't get sucked under.
Everybody get together,
remember who your buddy is.
So-crates, watch out
for your robe, dude.
OK, follow me.
You've got your Broadway down here,
and got your Sears over here.
The stratification of our society
is much like Marie Antoinette's.
The few possess much,
while the masses
possess little
but their television sets.
This dichotomy led to a revolution
in which Antoinette
and her husband were beheaded.
Today, leaders are impeached
rather than beheaded.
Still, while in her day, Marie
Antoinette said "Let them eat cake,"
perhaps today she would say,
"Let them eat fast food."
- Enjoy.
- OK, look around, see what you think.
We'll be back as soon
as we find Napoleon. OK?
Come on, dude, we don't got much time.
Yes, but what do we...
You ditched Napoleon?!
Deacon, do you realize you've stranded
one of Europe's greatest leaders
- in San Dimas?
- He was a dick.
Well... how are we gonna find him?
OK, wait, if we were one of
the greatest generals in history,
and we were stranded in San Dimas
for one day, where would we go?
Eleven children, please.
Are you OK?
This is fun!
Buddy, you're holding up the line!
Come on, buddy.
Come on, Napoleon.
Everybody's waiting for us.
- No, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Why be soft and flabby
when you can be firm and trim?
When you can have a body that cries out,
"Look at me, admire me."
With our specialized weight training
and aerobics program,
we can help you attain the kind of body
you've only dreamed of having.
All right, let's go ladies!
You guys are looking great!
OK, jumping jacks. Jump! Jump!
You a musician?
Well here, try this.
What is?
What are they doing?
Look at his sandals. Ooh!
- I don't know.
- He's creepy.
- Weird, huh?
- Oh, they're coming over.
Hi. I'm Billy, this here is So-crates.
- Socrates.
- We're from history.
Hello, I'm Dr. Freud.
But you may call me Siggy.
Oh, my God!
You both seem to be suffering
from a mild form of hysteria.
You are such a geek.
Way to go, egghead.
- Geek!
- What is a "geek"?
I need some help.
I've got a live one here.
- OK...
- Thank you.
...I need the Lincoln hat
and the stupid beard back.
You don't understand,
I'm Abraham Lincoln.
Yeah, right. Ha, ha, ha.
Now, come on, mister...
This is my hat and my beard.
I am!
Keep it up!
You're looking great!
Hey! That crazy there!
- Son, hold it right there.
- Get that guy off there.
Stop him!
- No, Sig, over here.
- Sorry, miss.
Excuse me, miss.
- Move, move.
- Pardon me.
Oh, no.
I demand a lawyer.
Don't get smart with me, buddy.
Let's go.
Hey, there they are!
All right, come on, Grandpa.
That's enough.
Mom, can't you go any faster?
I want to know why
you claim to be Sigmund Freud.
Why do you claim
I'm not Sigmund Freud?
Why do you keep asking me
these questions?
Tell me about your mother.
- Oh, God.
- Would you like a couch to lie on?
No, I don't want a couch to lie on.
All right, what's your name?
Abraham Lincoln.
That's L-I-N-C-O-L-N.
I know how to spell Lincoln.
What's your birthday, Mr. Lincoln?
February 12th, 1809.
Everything is different,
but the same.
Things are more moderner than before,
bigger, and yet smaller.
It's computers.
Take your time!
San Dimas High School football rules!
I can't believe
my dad arrested them all.
What are we gonna do?
OK, Ted, you go in and talk to your dad.
I'm gonna scope the place out.
Missy, I mean Mom,
please keep an eye on Napoleon.
All right, lock him up
with the rest of those wackos.
- I am a lawyer, you know...
- Dad!
- You pack your bags, Ted.
- What?
You're going to military school.
- But, Dad...
- No, I don't want to hear it, Ted.
- But...
- Ted, you go home
and you pack your bags, now!
- How'd it go?
- Bad.
Our historical figures are all locked up
and my dad won't let them out.
Can we get your dad's keys?
I could steal them,
but he lost them two days ago.
If only we could go back in time to
when he had them and steal them then.
Well, why can't we?
'Cause we don't got time.
We could do it after the report.
Ted, good thinking, dude!
After the report, we'll time travel
back to two days ago,
steal your dad's keys,
and leave them here.
- Where?
- I don't know.
How about behind that sign?
That way, when we get here now,
they'll be waiting for us.
- See?
- Whoa! Yeah!
So, after the report we can't forget
to do this, otherwise it won't happen.
But it did happen!
Hey, it was me who stole my dad's keys!
Exactly, Ted.
Come on.
- Mom?
- Yes?
Can you please
bring the car around back?
Come on, Ted. We've got
some historical figures to rescue.
Over and out.
How are we gonna get past my dad?
You got a tape recorder at home?
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Remember to get the tape recorder.
- Yeah.
Set a timer on it for, uh... 2:13.
- Got it?
- Got it!
What am I gonna say on it?
Dad! Hey, Dad!
It's you, dude.
I'm over here.
Yeah, this way.
Whoa. Check it out.
"Dear Bill and Ted,
good luck on the report.
Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire
and Ted "Theodore" Logan."
That was nice of us.
"P.S. Duck!"
- Excellent work, dude.
- Way to go!
Come on.
Time is of the essence.
May I ask that you all work together
so that we can get down to the car.
Very quiet now. Quiet.
Against the wall.
Single file.
- Hurry up, Billy.
- How do we get out of here?
Over here, Dad.
Down here!
Way to go, dude.
We stalled him.
What else do I say?
And now, opening for Iron Maiden...
... Wyld Stallyns!
- Come on, Bill, put your back into it.
- Ted?
What in the hell
do you think you're doing?
Trash can.
Remember a trash can!
Trash can?
What are you talking about?
- Get this thing off me, Ted!
- Sorry, Dad,
but we've got to go pass
our history report.
- Oh, by the way, I found your keys.
- Ted!
Ted, where are you?
Get this off me! Ted!
In conclusion,
I think Abraham Lincoln
would be most impressed
with the world of San Dimas.
I know I am.
- Down the hall, to the left.
- Quiet.
And I'm sure I speak for Mr. Ward
and Mrs. Rowe when I say
that your reports were very entertaining
and very informative for all of us.
So, it seems we may be one report short
today, so we'll leave just a bit early.
But once again, I want to thank you
all for your very hard work...
Hey, who turned out the lights?
Hello, San Dimas.
Please welcome,
for the final report of the afternoon,
from all throughout history,
some of the greatest people
who have ever lived,
in their 1988 World Tour!
How's it going?
I'm Billy the Kid.
I'd like you all
to put your hands together.
And now, my good friends,
Bill S. Preston, Esquire,
and Ted "Theodore" Logan! Whoo!
Thank you! Thank you!
Hello, San Dimas High!
Mr. Ryan, fellow distinguished
classmates, teachers, babes.
Our first speaker was born
- in the year 470 B.C.
- Hi, long time no see.
A time when much of the world
looked like the cover of the
Led Zeppelin album Houses ofthe Holy.
We were there.
There were many steps and columns,
it was most tranquil.
He is sometimes known
as the father of modern thought.
He was the teacher of Plato, who was in
turn the teacher of Aristotle.
And like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly
accused of corruption of the young.
And since he doesn't speak English,
my friend Ted here,
is going to interpret for him.
So please welcome,
to tell us what he thinks of San Dimas,
the most bodacious philosophizer
in Ancient Greece...
... Socrates! totally out of control. I got
a good idea where he gets it from.
I mean if you and that wife of yours
would show a little discipline
maybe your son wouldn't be
such a bad influence.
Is discipline your key
to the success with Ted?
Yes, it is! He's going to an
Alaskan military school.
He loves you best... all the world.
What are they doing up there?
He also loves...!
Therefore, Ted's father's
own fear of failure
has caused him to make his son
the embodiment of all of his own
deepest anxieties about himself.
And, hence, his aggression
transference onto Ted.
- Whoa!
- OK, Ted?
Yes, thank you very much,
Sigmund Freud.
Nah, just got a minor Oedipal complex.
It is indeed a pleasure
to introduce to you
a gentleman we picked up in
Medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.
Please welcome
the very excellent barbarian...
... Mr. Genghis Khan.
This is a dude who, 700 years ago,
totally ravaged China.
And who we are told, two hours ago,
totally ravaged
Oshman's Sporting Goods.
A most bodacious soldier,
and general,
Ms. Of Arc totally rousted
the English from France.
And then turned this dude,
Dauphin, into a king
and all this
by the time she was 17.
The music of Ludwig van Beethoven.
As you can see,
Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies
because of the excellent sugar rush.
He also loves billiards.
Beethoven's favorite works
include Mozart's "Requiem,"
Handel's "Messiah,"
and Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet.
To improve on the condition
of her armies,
Joan of Arc plans on instituting
a full scale aerobics program
on her return to France.
I don't think it's gonna work.
He loves...
He loves San Dimas.
And now, for our last speaker.
One of the greatest presidents
in American history...
...Mr. Abraham Lincoln.
Four score and... minutes ago,
we, your forefathers,
were brought forth
upon a most excellent adventure.
Conceived by our new friends...
...and Ted.
These two great gentlemen
are dedicated to a proposition
which was true in my time,
just as it's true today.
Be excellent to each other...
...and... party on, dudes!
- No...
- Way!
Thank you, San Dimas High!
We want more! We want more!
I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire.
- Bill?
- What's up, Ted?
Well... we traveled through time.
I mean, we met lots of great leaders,
and we got an A-plus
on our history report...
...but look at us, nothing's different.
Maybe it's time we get Eddie Van Halen.
Maybe we should start
learning how to play.
Maybe you're right, Ted.
Hello, again, my excellent friends.
Congratulations on passing
your history report.
The babes!
We looked all over England for you.
Where'd you get those savory clothes?
Rufus introduced us
to a place called the mall.
And something called credit cards.
I got them out of England
just before they had to marry
those royal ugly dudes.
Way to go Rufus.
How can we ever thank you, Rufus?
Well, you can start
by signing this for my kids.
They're big fans of yours.
- What?
- Everyone is.
Wyld Stallyns' music has become
the foundation of our whole society.
No way.
Yes way.
In fact, I believe you were there.
That futuristic place with the domes?
And the totally excellent music.
They totally worshipped us there, Rufus.
I know.
That's why I was sent to make sure
you passed your history report.
If you guys were separated it would have
been disastrous for life as we know it.
You see, eventually your music will help
put an end to war and poverty.
It will align the planets and
bring them into universal harmony,
allowing meaningful contact
with all forms of life,
from extraterrestrial beings
to common household pets.
And... it's excellent for dancing.
Why don't you have the ladies
sign as well, would you please?
- After all, they are in the band.
- They are?
- Excellent.
- Excellent.
Where are you going, Rufus?
I got a surprise for you.
That's to help you
as you start your new band.
Thanks, Rufus.
Now I just have one further
humble request.
If I might be so honored
to jam with you?
- Do you know how to play, Rufus?
- Well, I play a little.
Most outstanding, Rufus.
Let's jam.
- Bill, my friend?
- Yes, Ted, my friend?
This has been
a most excellent adventure.
- One...
- Two...
One, two, three, four!
They do get better.
English - US - PSDH