Birdies (2022) Movie Script
(birds chirping)
(hammer bangs)
Pin on your diapers,
Charlie, and hit that nail.
(hammer bangs)
(birds chirping)
There you have it, Charlie.
Twin Pines is finally complete.
And one day, all of
this is gonna be yours.
Don't fuck it up.
(birds chirping)
[Man] Fore!
(golf club bangs)
(drink whizzing)
(golf club strikes)
(lighter clicks)
(golf cart whirring)
Hola, Mr. Conroy!
Buenos Dias, Eejo!
(Eejo cheers)
Amigo, amigo.
[Fred] Boss, are you here yet?
Son of a bitch!
(Conroy grunts)
What?
[Fred] We need an exterminator.
Just call the cheapest one you can find.
No more than three stars.
[Fred] You also need someone
that will generally run this club,
and not just run it into the ground.
Little harsh for 8:00 a.m. Fred.
[Fred] How's that morning latte, Conroy?
Oh, it was going great
until you fucked it up.
[Fred] So you'll black out
five minutes later than usual?
If I'm lucky.
[Fred] Perfect,
I will update the schedule.
(golf cart whirring)
(phone ringing)
[Jake] Pop, phone.
(phone ringing)
Pop,
phone's ringing.
[Pop] What the hell do I pay you for?
The phone's right behind you, you weirdo.
Just answer it.
[Man On TV] Trust me. She
wants the whole shaft.
Roach Smokers.
Yes, ma'am.
And where is this at?
Twin Pines Country Club.
I'm gonna send my best
man over there right now.
Thank you very much.
You hired someone new?
Would you rather me
lower their expectations?
You could.
Might set a better precedent.
Turn the damn TV off and
get your ass to work.
You want this off?
Helps you sleep.
You relive your glory days
on someone else's time.
The only future you have in golf
is at Twin Pines killing bugs.
Ouch, that was so mean.
Also, I've been hitting the
driving range every Wednesday,
thank you very much.
Oh, does Brandy know about this?
Oh God, no.
Please don't tell her also
that'd be a massive problem.
Get your ass out here and
make me some damn money.
Okay, I love you so much.
Hope you say it back someday.
Yeah, I bet you do.
(car engine revving)
(golf cart whirring)
Oh, not again.
(golf cart whirring)
Ms. Gladys, you okay?
[Gladys] Yeah, I'm fine.
(Gladys belches)
Dehydrated.
I'll send Emily over, stat.
Gladys needs a little assistance
by the ninth hole Tee.
Copy?
Copy that, on my way.
(siren wailing)
10-4.
Emily's gonna bring you beer, Ms. Gladys.
We're good.
(golf cart whirring)
Fuckers.
(golf carts buzzing)
Shane, Jesus!
What's up boss?
Shainski had a big night,
sex with a dude, again.
It's called being experimental, Mikels,
and dude was actually
quite the gentleman...
and pretty fucking sexy.
Told you.
You guys gonna clean this up?
[Shainski] Hey, Linda!
[Shainski] It's raining
men, girl, let's go!
...Let's get some drinks!
(door bangs)
Charlie, we've gotta
get this place together.
Fred, honey, take it easy.
Exterminator's on his way.
Great, see if he'll cut us a deal.
Yeah, how?
Maybe he likes golf.
Dixie Classic tournament...
Ready to lose again?
Won't be difficult.
It's our year to host.
A little patchwork on the greens.
Call it good, and goodbye.
And another thing.
Fred, you are killing my buzz.
Jarvis Boyd is the tournament
director this year,
and you know his
inspections can be a bitch.
He is not gonna give
Charlie Conroy any breaks.
Twin Pines is of course for normal people.
I'll keep it that way.
There's a new rule in the Dixie this year.
Oh, more good news.
Any club that hasn't won
in a 15 year tournament cycle is out.
Spell it out for me, Fred.
We have to win the Dixie Classic.
Or, hear me,
say goodbye to this stupid tradition!
It's a dumb name anyway,
What year is it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Nick] Morning, everyone!
Connie!
What's shaking?
It's our year to host the Dixie,
you need to get this place in shape.
What was that?
What.
I think I just cut you off.
I wasn't even speaking, Nick.
Oh, oh.
(opens beer)
Good answer.
I have an appointment.
Another online date?
Wrong, I met her on a dating app,
I'm modernizing.
Court your online hussies somewhere else.
Liquor's free here.
No, it's not -
Nick, it's 9:00 a.m.
That's true, it is 9:00 a.m., Conroy.
She better show up sooner or
I'm gonna start without her.
(door squeaks)
[Darcy] Knock, knock.
[Nick] Your breakfast, sir.
Hello?
Shit, she came in the front.
Hey, the tournament -
get this place in shape, huh?
I need you to go out there
and talk to the exterminator.
Is that a...
That's where I cut you off.
Ah, miss Darcy.
Charlie Conroy!
You're the exterminator?
...Yeah.
Yeah! What's your name?
Jake.
Hey Jake, I'm Nick.
Nice to meet you.
Jake, do you ever get in the mind of a bug
when you do your work?
Nah, I usually just kill 'em.
Right.
So what's the damage?
Well, it's roaches which I'm sure you saw.
Some cultures in the
Amazon believe roaches
are premonition of death to the homeowner.
Who do you think's gonna die, Jake?
I mean, I don't really know you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I'll send
the bill soon as possible.
Just in case.
How about club credit?
...Beverages included, of course.
No, no, that's not possible.
All right, well send the bill over,
we'll take care of it, quick.
Yeah, we take any major credit card.
We're just a regular company.
Man, we really like that club
credit thing around here,
but yeah, it's whatever, okay,
what do you gotta do?
All right, how about this?
I'll give you a small
discount for a bucket of balls
at the driving range.
You got a deal.
But no one can find out about this.
Nobody.
If my girl finds out, she will
literally cut my dick off.
Sir, I know secrets men have died for.
Good men, men of honor.
Yeah, whatever, man.
Just don't tell anybody.
I mean, I don't know my name.
I won't tell me.
...You just said it was Nick.
[Nick opens beer]
So she says, come to the hotel
and text me when you get there.
I do.
She says there's this card
key underneath the mat,
the side door, and there was.
Opened the door...
Didn't really know what to
expect, but I saw it right away.
The bathroom would be right
there, but there was a,
like a sheet completely
covering the bathroom door.
But there was a slit in the sheet.
What are you talking about?
[Dogleg] Yes, sir, I'd like
to make a return please.
On an item number A2415.
It's lube on the move.
Yes, sir, I have two of those
and I'd like return them both, please.
There's Dogleg.
Hey also, is this approved by FDA?
No?
So you still don't know
what she looks like?
Not a clue.
[Jake] You guys gotta
keep hanging out, or?
- I hope so, man.
[Jake] Think it'll be something serious?
I doubt it could possibly be.
By the way, it's...
Damn!
Fuck you man.
[Jake] Yeah man, thanks
for letting me do this.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Thanks for listening to my story.
Mom didn't like it.
Holy shit.
Man, you're pretty good.
I'm gonna come up there
and kick your ass, dude!
Yeah, I used to play.
Used to?
Yeah, girlfriend.
Ah, right.
No, the blow-up-doll was fine.
We just wish it was a girl not a guy.
But it's fine, my wife loves him-
You must have a huge dick!
- Oh, not you sir.
Do we like this guy?
I don't even know that guy.
[Dogleg] I've gotta...
What's the flattest iron
you're having there?
We got a two!
You have a two iron?
[Nick] Oh yeah.
For real?
Wow, look at that.
Get it.
That'll work.
Oh man, I can't wait to see this shit.
What is this, a family heirloom?
Nah, I don't have any family.
(golf ball whistles)
Goddamn dude.
Holy shit.
[Nick] Wow.
I will be right back, sir.
All right.
So, what are the rules on the participants
for the tournament?
Employees and members, even I know that.
...This guy.
You know, we're still looking
for a club for pro, right?
Pro, what happened to Harvey?
Oh, he's dead.
What?
How, when?
A couple years, I have no idea really?
My word.
[Dougleg] Fuck you man.
Damn you.
Ah, fuck dude.
My balls everywhere!
Oh man.
What the heck dude.
Fuck man.
Fuck you, man.
What?
No, I'll call you back.
Good?
[Dogleg] Fuck you!
I can't hear you.
I'm Jake.
Jake!
(golf cart whirring)
Hey, that was pretty
incredible on the range there.
Oh, thanks man.
I'm Charlie Conroy, I own all this.
Oh, Jake Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
How much you make killing bugs, Jake?
Not a ton.
(phone rings)
Oh, go ahead.
What's up, Pop.
Where in the hell have you been?
Janice Wieman has called three times!
I know, yes, I'm on it.
[Pop] You've been outta-
I'm on it Pop.
[Pop] -fuckin around on the golf course -
I'm hanging up.
Goodbye.
Piece of shit.
Work for me.
What's that?
I want you to be my golf pro.
You serious?
You got quite a reputation, you know that?
I remember you from your college days.
Oh yeah, my college days.
Criminal, dropout, golf phenom...
You'll fit right in man.
What do you guys even pay?
Double.
Of half your current pay,
10% increase, of course.
Yeah, that's a really shitty deal. Sorry.
Shit's also a fertilizer, Jake,
plus you're an exterminator, so...
You get a raise to have a cool job.
Why don't you show up
tomorrow morning, 9:00 a.m.
Anything else Nick?
Well, I mean you get
free buckets of balls.
The world's yours, buddy.
Yeah, I can't, I'm sorry.
That would be a huge
problem with my girlfriend.
She should be happy if you're happy, Jake.
And if not just dump her ass.
I can't, she's rich and beautiful, so.
I'm sure she's understanding.
And rich and beautiful? No.
How does she feel about
your current employment?
It's literally anything
but golf is allowed.
Really?
That's kind of where I right now.
(phone rings) Jesus.
I'm sorry.
Yes Pop, I'm just finishing up over here.
It's okay Jake, you're fired.
Hello?
I just got fired.
(pat on back)
See you tomorrow morning.
9:00 a.m.
Oh, goddamn it.
[Jarvis] Well gentlemen,
welcome to the quarterly board meeting
of the Magnolia Pointe Country Club.
Our first order of business today
is to revoke the membership
of Mr. Gerald Schilner.
It seems his financials
are not in line with
this club's requirements.
And his car's five years
old for heaven sakes.
[Gary] And it's hunter green.
Poor people, ew. (they all laugh)
[Adrian] Zip it, you twats!
Daddy.
Anything else?
Yeah, I just talked to Darcy Dobbins.
It seems Twin Pines has
hired a new golf pro.
Did they?
[Thomas] Yes, sir, Mr. Boyd.
An exterminator... Jake Baxter.
JAKE BAXTER!?
(man laughs)
Yeah, we are familiar.
He was on my golf team in college.
He got kicked out for selling drugs.
Is he any good?
He beat Adrian a few times.
I was injured.
Okay, then what?
Then he became a loser
exterminator, genius.
Duh.
Not anymore.
Clean your ugly face, ugly person.
Oh burn.
(both laugh)
Fuck you Thomas.
- Fuck you.
So what exactly do we need to
know about this Baxter guy?
I said, what do we need to
know about this Baxter guy?
(car engine roaring)
(rain pattering)
Brandy?
The fuck!
Where have you been?
Fuck it, I was working late.
There's a bunch of bugs-
I'll ask you again.
Where the fuck have you been?
I cooked.
I cheated on you.
I was out having sex with
someone, my secretary.
You don't have a secretary.
A secretary, and she was so hot, too.
And she was a doctor secretary,
and she was a doctor, too.
Son of a bitch.
It was just sticking outta
my pocket, wasn't it?
Classic Baxter.
Pop fired you and now you're playing golf.
Babe, it was just the driving range.
It wasn't even fun.
It was stupid-
Same thing.
Well, it's not the same thing, baby.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But I have news, I have really good news.
You ready?
So you know how you've always been saying
I should quit Roach
Smokers, get a real job.
Yeah, but you didn't quit, you got fired.
Yeah, that part took care of itself.
But the cool part is I got a new job.
Who would hire you?
Twin Pines.
Conroy's old club?
Yeah.
And what are you doing at Twin Pines?
I don't know.
We- we didn't really talk about it.
I think I'm the new club pro.
That's it.
Babe, it pays more and it's
something I actually enjoy.
Like we need money.
I'm not gonna keep living
off your dad's money
for the rest of my life.
What the fuck is that?
Is that new?
There's a new man in town.
Good God.
So you just need to get out of my house.
Brandy.
Now.
Fuck!.
Like now.
Are you seriously hitting me?
Like for real.
Okay, Brandy!
Like, get out.
- If I did that to you-
Now, get out.
- It'd be a whole thing on the news.
(banging on door)
Brandy!
Please don't use that thing without me
that will ruin my
confidence, Brandy, please.
(thunder rumbling)
Can I at least have my keys?
Brandy.
(crickets chirping)
(door bangs)
Excuse me.
Sorry.
(Eejo whispers) Shut the fuck up man!
We're trying to surprise someone.
(Jake whispers) Who are we surprising?
You're still talking?
I'm sorry, man.
Dude, we got a new golf pro.
Just go and spray or whatever you do, bro.
...You're gonna laugh, but I
think I'm the new golf pro.
Unless you hired more than one.
What?
I'm Jake.
I met Conroy yesterday, and Nick.
(yells out) Fucking surprise bro.
Hey Jake! Someone unjammed
the back door, that's awesome.
Whoa.
We love surprises around here.
We just love 'em.
We're not good at 'em but-
No, no, I was surprised.
Yeah, hey, grab some candy if you want.
I'm good for now.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, we already got into that piata.
I mean it's a piata, yeah.
Hey, this is the Twin Pines crew.
How's it going everybody?
Yeah, look at that.
Thank you for this.
Jake... uh, Baxter.
Yeah, our head greensman, Eejo.
Hey, aloha amigo.
Aloha.
Hey, pacha-mama of the
Aztec nation welcomes you.
Yeah, pacha-mama uh back at you.
Tell her, I said hello.
Goes to Peru one week,
changes him forever.
That's where we met actually.
Follow me.
This is Fred, she's our badass bartender.
Fred, is it?
Fred.
As in like...
Fred.
Your name is Fred.
We got Shainski, Mikels.
I would avoid them if you could.
You're late to the party, bro.
That's okay, Jake's running late too.
Are they good?
No, they're not.
All right, here we have Emily.
She drives the beer cart.
And her sister as hot as hell
and doesn't think that I am.
Bummer.
Yeah.
Hi Jake.
How's it going?
Your expertise is a welcome change.
Hopefully you work out better
than the last head pro.
He died.
Yeah.
Did he really die?
Oh yeah, he died real hard.
[Jake] Oh.
Last and very least, we have Dogleg.
He drives the picker cart,
which you demolished,
but he also runs the pro shop
and you could use some new threads.
So go ahead and do your thing Leg.
I say a medium shirt, 32 by 30 pants.
A little loose on the trousers there.
Yeah, actually dead on.
You hit my cart again,
I'll rip those nuts off.
Cool.
Sorry, I didn't know I would
like meet you in person.
Okay, beer.
I'm good, thank you.
Little early, don't you think?
It's like 9:00 a.m.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you for saying that.
I think we started around 7:00, right?
6:00?
6:30.
Maybe 6:30.
El YESTARDA
Enejo hasn't stopped.
Really?
Yeah.
So you guys all just drink
as soon as the day starts.
Welcome to hell.
Right on, cool.
So who's all like running things?
Back to work, everyone!
Gotcha!
We so got him.
Yeah, this place pretty much runs itself.
We're fine.
It does?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I do...
...and you do too.
Hey, let me show you your office.
I have an office.
Fuck yeah, you have an office.
Oh yeah, sure.
Show me the office.
Follow me.
All right.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Yep, here we go.
Oh, is this it?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I thought you said, I got an office.
I don't think I said that.
Now get back there, feel it out.
Sure.
No, yeah, this is nice.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, this is...
[Nick] A desk.
Yeah, this is plenty.
Agreed, agreed.
Oops.
It's all right.
Oh my God.
That.
Can't waste that.
Yeah.
So just to be clear, what
exactly is my job supposed to be?
You know, go out to
the range and practice,
participate in our annual tournament.
Glad-hand the members and the guests.
Club pro shit.
Wait, I have to play in a tournament?
Yeah, it's not a big deal, it'll be fun.
There's no pressure, we never win.
Okay, I haven't played
golf in like seven years.
Well, I appreciate your modesty.
What is that?
What?
Is that a hickey?
It's definitely not a hickey.
I haven't had a hickey
in a really long time.
You dog, let's get you
outta those clothes.
Is there something on my neck, Nick?
Nick, my neck?
(upbeat music)
All right, so this is
where you'll be schmoozing
with the guests, the
members, the drunk golfers,
giving 'em tips and tricks
and stuff like that.
Let's do a shot.
I'm good, thank you.
All right.
You are spilling that.
All over the bar, sure.
Great.
All right, there you go.
I said no, thank you.
I'll take both.
Jake, I'm sure no one's told you.
So let me be the first.
We're not gonna make it to next quarter.
Fred, easy, it's his first day.
Welcome Jake.
Where's your glass?
I actually don't drink.
What?
If I have one drink, then within the hour,
I'll be out on that
fairway naked smoking meth.
It's like a whole problem,
people will hate me.
People would love you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do not try to corrupt
our new golf pro.
The hell is wrong with you two.
Fred is right.
It's actually kind of perfect.
Not only do we need to fix this place up,
but we need to win that prize money.
And if Jake is sober, God help him,
maybe that will improve our chances.
I'm glad you think that's funny.
Now who besides the three of
us here can actually play golf?
Well, we got me.
One.
You.
Two.
There's this guy.
Now three.
Yeah, you're right.
We need one more.
Conroy, we have to win
the tournament this year.
Have we ever won the tournament?
Yeah.
A long time ago.
My dad started the Dixie
when he built this club,
I can't get us kicked out of it.
Besides we need that fucking prize money.
We can do countless things.
We could do like a yard sale of some sort.
We could do a car, like a sexy car wash.
Something, I don't know.
We could strip down and get some--
- I'm not doing a car wash.
I don't know, I'm just riffing.
We lose the tournament, we lose the money,
we lose the club, we lose our jobs.
I'm losing my buzz.
Anyone wanna shot?
Deal me in.
Jake?
No, I'm still sober.
So Conroy, do I have to play
against other like, club pros?
Relax, it's captain's choice.
Best ball wins each stroke.
No, no, that's the whole thing.
That's what I was telling you, I can't.
My girlfriend.
Look, who is this girl?
Why does she hate golf?
Jake, many psychologists
affirm that malicious feelings
toward a significant others' key interest
is very, very toxic.
Psychologists don't
even know my girlfriend.
We're fine, we're in love.
I like her a lot and we're happy.
When I was in college, on the golf team,
I used to get in a lot of trouble
and her whole family kinda hates me.
Yeah.
So shots?
No, I don't drink.
I permanently don't drink.
Okay.
At all.
All right.
I get it.
(classical music)
Well, it's just been a
pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Al-Asmari
Sarah, the pleasure's all mine.
Thank you so much.
Your application has been submitted,
so I hope I get to call
you in a couple of weeks
with the good news.
Well, I'm excited, Sarah.
I've been looking forward to
playing this place a long time.
Oh, it's the my pleasure.
Yes, you have a great day.
I'll see you soon.
Yeah, you too.
Okay.
Relax, Sarah.
Oh, I was--
No, I thought I would just drop by
and see how you were doing.
I am doing fine.
You know that applicant
that was just in here
a little while ago.
Yes.
He seemed a little, what's the word?
Unconventional,
non-traditional, different.
Sure.
All business aside, that
offer for that second drink
still stands.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you know, I am just really exhausted.
The end of a long day, you know?
But thank you.
We'll take this up at a different time.
All right everybody, listen up.
I got an announcement to make.
We've got the Dixie tournament coming up
and short story shorter, we have to win.
So we are getting our shit together, okay.
The team is gonna be
Jake, Nick and myself,
which means only one of you
needs to learn how to play golf.
Who's the best here at Twin Pines?
Yeah, who sucks the least?
That'd be Shane when he's sober,
but one sip of booze, he's fucked.
Harsh dude.
It's true.
Jake, all I know is that
you gotta beat that douche
at Magnolia Pointe.
Yeah, I am aware.
Thank you, Emily.
Yeah, Adrian Boyd has
not lost in seven years.
Still the biggest douchebag
in seven kingdoms.
Am I?
Is he?
Oh Christ.
Jake fucking Baxter.
I haven't seen you since
you were being a loser,
letting everyone down.
Shouldn't you be somewhere
spraying cockroaches?
(all laugh)
You know this prick?
Yeah, for sure.
Believe it or not, this tiny little boy
is my future brother-in-law, can't wait.
Maybe you people haven't realized this,
but your new golf pro
is a convicted felon,
an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Yeah.
(all cheer) Yeah!
Don't cheer, don't cheer.
I'm sober now, seven years.
I keep telling you guys.
Thank you.
Baxter, you deserve to be in this dump.
Jesus!
What color is your ceiling?
Cancer?
What's with this homeless guy?
(both laugh)
Fuck you.
The fuck do you want?
Just trying to grab some beers, man.
Catch the scenery.
Trying to figure out what
happened to this shithole.
Hey sweetie, how about three beers, stat.
Wow.
How about no.
All right, I'm sorry, but her name's Fred.
Fred?
Yeah.
Oh, I'll call your name out later, baby.
Fred, Fred.
It's a guy's name.
Oh Jesus.
Hey, watch it bro, I'll sue your ass.
Hold me back, man.
Hey man, you're lucky
they're holding me back, bro.
Slow down fucker.
Shitty bar anyway.
I think it's time for you to go.
This place makes my eyes
want to kill themselves.
Let's go.
Wait.
Hey Jake.
What?
Don't you wanna know what
my handicap is these days?
Your personality?
Impotence?
Oh my God.
You think you can beat me.
(they laugh)
Oh my God.
That is so adorable.
I just wanna pinch you.
(both laugh)
I do!
You know what, I do.
It wouldn't be anything new, would it?
That was seven years ago, man.
Conroy, is this little asshole
the only competition we have?
I promise you Baxter, I am a huge asshole.
Huge.
Gaping.
When he poots, it goes whoooo.
Wind tunnel.
Why are you bragging about that?
Watch your shit, Baxter.
Yeah, I'll watch my shit, bro.
I'll watch my shit drop on your face.
Yeah gross, I'm sorry.
I don't usually say stuff like that.
I don't know what to say to that.
Come on.
Later nerds.
Hey guys, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wow, fuck.
A bit of a scene, huh?
I'm sorry about that everybody.
I have kind of a history with that guy.
You just gotta externalize him, man.
I mean this whole experience
is a result of our ego.
So just absorb that negativity,
turn it into something good.
After the tournament.
What was that dude?
Was that like special
ops or Navy Seal or what?
I was mall security for a while.
Can I get a shot, please?
[Dogleg] Dangerous mall.
Yeah, you actually deserve this one.
Hey, you know what, can I borrow that club
up there real quick?
I got an idea.
Go ahead.
Perfect.
Can you come with me
though just 'cause you can,
that kick that you can do.
Those chicks upstairs were
jocking you so hard, bro.
Of course they were.
Get in the car.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
There's no fucking way
I'm letting that guy
steal my thunder.
Oh hell no.
Your thunder is so unstealable A. money.
Right?
[All] Yeah.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Are you okay?
I don't know, you guys okay?
Fore.
Nobody fucks with Seabiscuit!
Oh, he's coming, man.
Get in the car man.
Go, go, go, man.
See you in court!
Take care.
Oh my God, man.
This place rules, man.
Jake, I cannot wait to see how
you perform in competition.
Yeah, me too.
See how it goes.
So what happened in college?
Yeah, yeah, that was kind of an ordeal.
10 hookers from just
like the yellow pages.
I think that was the worst
part, was the hookers.
But then also a pound of
weed, half a gallon of jack.
133 beers, I think they
counted, and ounce of coke.
And then some molly and then
some guy brought ketamine.
I had never done ketamine.
So we did that and then poppers
and then half a tab of acid.
This is after I won state junior year.
That sounds like a great week.
This was one night.
How'd she find out?
That was my fault.
I invited her into bed
with us and then she knew
right then and there.
And how is she handling all this?
Not great.
She locked me out last night.
I slept in the rain.
So that's couple stuff.
You're together seven years,
you kinda, you sleep
in the rain sometimes.
We'll talk about it at dinner.
So back to this whole you not playing golf
for the last seven years.
Can we get you back out for
another round or five tomorrow.
And then every other day
leading up to the tournament?
We've got two weeks to practice.
Jake, historically, we've
not had the best relationship
with the members at Magnolia Pointe.
Or the management.
Boss fucked Jarvis's wife.
His ex-wife.
Because you fucked her.
You fucked Jarvis's wife?
Oh my God, dude.
Is that why they got divorced?
You know the rumors
that he's in the closet
and that's why they got divorced.
Oh, he's deep in the closet.
Damn dude, that's cool.
I think that's really cool.
Sick dude.
How's Adrian's game looking these days?
I said how's Adrian's game these days?
Let me get this for you, sir.
You got a little something on your shirt.
What?
Something on your shirt.
- hat the hell?
What is this?
Did you do this?
I did not.
Get the hell out, you're fired.
Oh right.
Get outta here.
Night fellas.
See you later, man.
Good first day, Jake.
Thank you, sir.
You good to drive?
Yeah, I got my license.
(car engine revving)
(car door thuds)
Hey!
Hey.
You live there?
Yeah.
Why do you drive?
Well, I was over there, but I live here.
Fair enough.
Oof.
(door thuds)
Hey honey.
Hey gummy bear.
How was your first day?
Ah, it was whatever.
You know, it's one of those...
Not great, huh?
I guess you're just stuck with it.
Yeah.
Can't go back to Roach Smokers.
I can't, it's so stupid, it sucks.
I have to like golf now.
Fuck.
If you quit, you have sex again.
Man, yes.
Kind of starting to forget
what that feels like.
Is that something we
could maybe discuss, or?
I don't think so.
Still no.
That's fair.
What's for dinner?
We have a roasted bird with
brown rice and asparagus.
Sounds good.
Nope.
Jesus Christ Brandy.
You're torturing me at this point.
You don't have to wear that to bed.
It's just comfy.
(Brandy moaning)
Fucking God.
Brandy, I need you.
Then you need to find another job.
Brandy, you can't keep blaming golf
for all the things that
happened to us in college.
I'm sorry us.
And by that, do you mean
the hookers and drugs?
That we did?
Oh my God, here we go.
If I can't blame golf
then who can I blame?
Everything's been fine since
then and now look at you.
No sex because golf.
Fine.
(Brandy moaning)
Whatever.
(porn music starts)
(both moan)
Oh yeah.
Wow.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, this is better.
I like this better!
All right folks, balls teed up!
Tee up those balls.
(golf club bangs, misses)
Fred, keep your head down.
Dogleg, I would say probably just no,
you can probably go pick up those balls.
Gladys, I noticed a slice.
Shainski, I know you
wanna have a wide stance
'cause you're so drunk
and it's hard to stand up.
But if you narrow that stance,
you can get more rotation
through the hips, all right?
Mikels bend those knees,
tighten up a little bit,
but stay relaxed.
Eejo, are those gardening gloves?
Emily, that was fucking hot.
That was good, the swing was good.
I've been working here for five years.
I don't know what they've been doing.
Okay everyone, if your
ball did not go past
the 100 yard marker, you
have officially been cut.
But don't get it twisted,
you have not been cut off.
Go ahead and feel free
to make your way back
to the clubhouse, put some
liquids into your face holes.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Hey you two, threesome?
Come on.
Hey, wait for me Gladys.
Oh shit snake, man.
Snake!
(Mikels laughs)
Meet Sir Hissyfit.
Oh, come on Shainski, it was a joke, bro.
I got it all on video,
I'm posting right now.
[Gladys] You fucking pussy.
(man laughs)
(phone rings)
Hi.
Hey, what are you doing?
Just working away.
Looking at Match Strike?
Yeah, okay.
Fine, yeah, I am.
But unsuccessfully.
You'll find someone.
Hmm, sexy mama.
How about,
a drink?
(phone chimes)
Yeah, someone equally
as desperate as I am.
Charlie Conroy just messaged me.
That crazy guy that owns Twin Pines?
I haven't even said one word to this guy
and he wants to meet for a drink.
He's desperate.
You're desperate too.
Talk to you later.
Hi.
How are you, Charlie?
(phone chiming)
Much better now that I
am looking at your...
(phone chimes)
(Sarah chuckles)
How about dinner?
I think so.
I'll hold off on that.
A cocktail and a bite.
No strings attached.
(phone chimes)
Your putt looks like shit dude.
Yeah.
Got any pointers?
See, your mechanics are off.
Let's see.
Discomfort in your right hip.
Yeah, how'd you know?
I mean it's pretty fucking obvious.
Putting all your weight on the left side.
You're overcompensating.
I've been to like a thousand
doctor since college
and no one can diagnose it.
I can help you.
Can you?
Oh yeah.
How.
Huachuma ceremony.
Pardon?
It's an ancient shamanic
medicine from the sacred cactus.
Also known as San Pedro.
Nick, are you a shaman?
Oh God, no.
For we are all our own shaman, Jake.
Oh we are?
The medicine will teach you.
It'll show you where the pain
is so you can extract it.
The grandfather is very wise.
Your grandfather?
No, no, no, he's an idiot.
The cactus, grandfather Huachuma.
Cut and cooked right here at Twin Pines.
Really?
Oh yeah.
(island music)
So how long have you been on Match Strike?
It was my daughter's idea, I just...
Can I get you anything to drink?
A cocktail?
No thank you, just water for me.
Two martinis.
No, no, just one, I'm not drinking.
They're for me.
I took a nap, I just gotta
get back up to speed.
Oh shit.
Now what?
That's my boss, he
comes here all the time.
Well, no worries, let's chat with him.
Oh this fucking dickhead?
Sarah, you look beautiful.
Thank you.
Charlie Conroy.
Are you sober tonight, Charlie?
Dickhead, Jarvis.
I know you're gonna date
other men, that's fine.
But this individual just
is not in your class.
The fuck did you just say?
Hey, watch your language.
This is not Twin Pines.
You're gonna apologize
after I've taken my foot
outta your asshole.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Conroy, that
you're such a loser.
Your daddy would be so ashamed of you.
Yeah, care put a little wager on that?
I would, but I don't
think you can afford it.
I'll bet you 25 grand on the Dixie
that I've got better golfers and people
than all those pricks at Magnolia Pointe.
I don't care what type of
shape Twin Pines is in.
We know that for a fact.
We have more integrity
in one blade of grass
than you've got in that
whole generic piece of shit
club of yours.
Well, let's put up a little wager.
Let's put up our clubs.
You'd put your club up
in a bet against me?
This is childish.
Name the terms.
Oh simple.
My club against your club.
Winner take all.
Bet your life.
You bet yours.
Charlie!
Oh, you faker, look at this.
He's trying to back out the bet.
Someone call an ambulance!
I think is having a heart attack.
I'll see you at work, Sarah.
It's okay.
(ambulance siren wailing)
Hey, can you grab me a bottle of whiskey?
Nope, but I'll have something
better for you on the ride.
My man.
He was just talking to someone
and then he grabbed at his chest
and I've seen a heart
attack before, so yeah.
Well thank you, ma'am.
Would you like to ride with your husband?
I'll meet him there later.
He should be okay.
Good thing he has you.
(ambulance door thuds)
(ambulance sirens wailing)
Good morning, Charles, I'm Dr. Lloyd.
How you feeling buddy?
I've been better.
Well, you're pretty lucky that your friend
knew what was going on,
because you have suffered
a mild heart attack.
Yeah, I've been lucky
doc and this ain't it.
How many drinks a week
would you say you consume?
Not that many.
Well, according to your chart,
your blood alcohol level is
currently 0.21, that's high.
Is it?
That's after eight hours.
Yeah, that's a little bit high.
So we'd really like to
keep you one more night,
send you to the cath lab in the
morning and run a few tests.
What do you think?
Yeah, sure.
But Charles I highly
recommend some extreme
lifestyle changes.
Okay, so what are we talking about?
Get sober.
That's a little drastic.
I'll be back in a couple
hours of check on you, buddy.
All right.
Dammit, Conroy.
Enough, just talk to me.
All right.
Well, if you don't get well soon,
you're gonna lose everything you have.
Also, Nick's looking for a job.
Jake's actually really good for the place.
And he likes it here.
Do they know about me yet?
Yeah, they wanna come see you.
No and don't tell anyone else.
If I'm gonna play in the
Dixie, I'm gonna get-
Well, if you wanna plan the Dixie,
do you think you should?
Yeah.
But Conroy, you just-
Dammit Fred, I should be dead right now
and the only person that has
come to see me is my bartender.
Where all the friends I used to have?
What friends?
I don't fucking know.
I got no one.
My dad built Twin Pines
and I can't lose it.
Don't worry about the club, okay.
We'll figure all that out.
When do we get you back then?
They'll let me out tomorrow.
Did you bring my phone?
Of course.
You're gonna look at
porn in this, aren't you?
Yes.
Get well, Conroy.
Grandma goes wild... hmmm.
(quirky music plays)
(door thuds)
(golf cart whirring)
Oh morning buddy.
Everything's great.
That's close.
Okay.
Complimentary club day.
Hey, what are you doing?
Have a good round.
Hey, listen, we need to find
a replacement for Conroy
in the tournament.
We need to fix your putt.
No, we don't need to
fix, my putt's good man.
Well we do, we need to
drink the juice too.
The cactus juice.
I'm not drinking the juice.
Conroy just had a heart attack.
We gotta drink the cactus, Jakey Bear!
Just get in the cart,
you're freaking people out.
I'm not drinking the cactus, man.
We're not doing hallucinogenics.
Channel your energy into fixing your hip
and to healing Conroy's heart.
We'll figure it out, just get outta here.
Sorry dude, I think
you pretty much got it.
Nothing I can really
tell you about putting.
You just gotta aim for the hole!
You were doing it, just continue to do it!
(tribal music)
(golf cart whirring)
Hola brother, Jake.
How's it going Eejo?
Pacha-mama welcomes you here today.
I bet she does, what is this?
This is Twin Pine source
of spiritual energy, Jake.
It's also a very viable source
of supplementary income.
Formally the 10th fairway.
What do you mean supplementary income?
Oh, we sell them on the internet.
It's a house plant.
Oh my God, seriously?
Yeah.
Myself and Eejo will be back shortly.
Reset your mind.
Put into focus what you'd
like to work on today.
I was working on my putt, I thought.
Okay, that's exactly what we're doing.
Except we're going to
be doing it with your...
My hat.
Your...
Oh, my memory.
Your ma...
Mom.
Not your mom, no, your m- mi-
Oh my mind?
Mind.
Oh fuck.
Yeah, sure.
Why didn't you just say that?
I don't know.
But we'll see you soon.
Fuck.
Oh man.
Is this like a whole weird thing?
I'm not gonna do a whole weird thing.
I don't wanna be culturally insensitive.
Friends today, we connect
with the ancient ones.
Not by looking up, but by looking in.
We will be extracting our
past and healing our present.
One thing we must remember
in is that there is no past,
there is no future.
There is only now.
Now is forever, and now is never.
Jake, you're experiencing
some blockage in your hip.
Your right hip.
This is my right hip.
A fear of moving forward.
You're exactly right.
Something or someone is preventing
Jake from moving forward.
We will be awake today, Jake
and perhaps the ancient
ones will be able to channel
even more energy through your hickey.
I don't have a hickey.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Drink this medicina for it as a gift
from the pacha-mama.
Oh man.
I thought it was gonna be good.
It's foolish to think that. Hickeyawaiku.
Hondacord. Veolvo.
Okay.
What now?
Now we wait.
Feel free to wander
about with your thoughts
and your feelings.
Let go. Hickeyawaiku.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Veolvo.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Neesonn.
Altima.
The ceremony has begun.
Here, have another.
(tribal music)
What the hell?
Idiots.
What did it say?
Wow!
Sir.
What's up?
That cart just blew past
me like a bat outta hell.
He must have been doing 50 miles power.
Don't you have any regulations?
No, sir.
Here at Twin Pines, you can
drive as fast as you like.
And I personally took the governor
off each and every one of these carts
so you can knock out 18
holes in less than two hours.
Hell, our sales grew up 33%.
You have a nice day.
Cocktail?
I don't think so.
This place is a joke, daddy.
(golf cart whirs)
(folk music)
[Gary] Is this a parking lot or a pasture?
Come on.
[Adrian] Looks like Coachella.
Hey, what is that?
A pro shop?
I think so.
Hey dad, it's a pro shop.
Can we get two tickets
for golf please?
[Gary] Who would actually
pay to come here?
[Adrian] I feel like I'm gonna get robbed.
[Jarvis] I've never seen anything like it.
Is that a fucking crater?
(Adrian laughs)
Where are we?
I don't know.
[Jarvis] This place is pathetic.
It's terrible.
What a joke.
[Thomas] What the hell is this?
How do we get across?
I don't know.
[Adrian] Maybe we can
screen from the trees.
[Thomas] This is so shitty,
I feel bad for the tractor.
[Gary] I can't wait to watch them fail.
[Adrian] You losers.
Oh my God.
(Jake sighs)
Golf isn't the problem.
Feeling okay, buddy?
I need to find Brandy.
Hey, honeysuckle brother.
I'm telling you, bro.
I was like a lion dude all night, bro.
Just pounding ass.
Oh yeah, what was his name?
I'm not gay, brother.
You are gay, dude.
I'm pansexual.
What does that mean?
Like you have sex with cookware?
Ah, really, you thought I'd
fall for that again, dude?
What?
Hey, hey, get this on video.
Let's see if Sir Hissyfit
likes a fat in his face.
Shainski, that's not Sir Hissyfit.
What?
(Shane screams)
Shainski, no.
What do I have to do bro?
What do I do?
Oh dude, you have to suck the poison out.
What?
Suck it bro, I'm gonna die.
(golf cart whirring)
Suck my butt, dude.
Suck my butt.
Help, snake bite, snake bite.
Listen, dude, if you love
me, you'll do it bro.
Please, please suck my butt.
Suck my butt.
Oh that's what's up?
Yeah.
Fuck yeah, brother.
Oh baby.
Oh my God, yes.
Hey bro, I will never
ever forget this dude.
[Mikels] You better forget this!
Don't stop dude, don't stop!
Oh, I fucking love you, dude.
Oh my God.
Wrong way buddy.
Huh?
Wrong way, buddy.
Let's get you back to the
clubhouse for some soup.
It's time for integration.
(golf cart whirring)
Shit, mi familia!
What are you doin-
Oops, sorry.
You see my penis?
Mr. Boyd, you are breaking into a million
tiny pieces right now.
It rules.
Well, don't you fit in here just fine.
I think so, I like it.
And Nick says there's soup.
It's super!
No thank you.
No?
Okay, soup yourself.
Wait till my sister finds out about this.
You loser!
(both laugh)
Oh, fuck, Brandy.
I think I got it all bro.
I love you, bro.
I fucking love you, bro.
You saved my life.
Bitch, you saved my life!
This snake's not poisonous.
What?
It's not poisonous.
I mean the bite might hurt a
little bit, but you'll be fine.
You're gonna fucking die, bro!
(man grunting)
(rock music)
[Nick] Jake, great work today, man.
Real breakthrough.
And I know, I know, I know.
You can't wait for tomorrow's ceremony.
We'll do this again.
[Jake] No, I'm never
doing this again, man.
[Nick] Oh-okie dokie,
you get some good sleep.
Yeah, goodnight.
All right, cheers.
(car engine revving)
Gummy bear, you home?
Brandy.
Brandy.
Hey, can we talk?
Did you quit, baby?
Oh no, no I can't.
I'm going to sleep.
No, wait, no.
We need to talk about college.
No, why?
Because I had an epiphany.
You know, you've been blaming
golf for all of our problems.
It's not golf.
What do you mean?
Why?
It's me, it's always been me.
I fucked up.
I cheated on you, Brandy.
Fuck, how can you trust me?
I don't deserve you.
I'm stupid.
What is wrong with you?
Are you on drugs?
No.
Am I on drugs?
Yeah, yeah, a little bit,
but it's just like a cactus.
It's not what you think.
It's a cactus and you chop
it up and you boil it.
And you have to sit in a tent
and you have to drink this.
And when you wake up,
everything is a million pieces
and then you...
What were we talking about?
You're just saying all this
'cause you're fucked up.
No, it's not.
I'm not fucked up, I was.
You should have seen me before.
This is all happening again
because of golf, Jake.
No, it's not because of golf.
I realized the problem this time, it's me.
I fucked up, but I understand it now.
Just get the fuck out.
What?
Don't come back.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Just get the fuck out.
(instrumental music)
[Rodney] Hey there, you Conroy?
Yeah, Rodney?
Yeah, that's me.
Come on in.
How you doing today, where are we headed?
Straight to hell, my man.
But drop me off the Twin Pines first.
You got it, need to pick
up some weed anyway.
(instrumental music)
Oh, I gotta take a shit.
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah Ms. Gladys, never better.
I feel like a million bucks.
Beer?
I really shouldn't.
Okay fella.
Charlie Conroy, you are cut off.
I was seriously just getting ready
to give that back to her.
Gladys, do you want this?
Knock yourself out.
Inside, now.
They're coming, they're coming.
[Everyone] Surprise!!
(dance muscic)
We did it, we did it!
We did it.
Oh, welcome back chief.
Great job not dying.
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?
We waited so long for you so long.
Okay, let's get this party started.
Go ahead Fred, load us up.
He doesn't drink anymore,
he just got out of the hospital, Nick.
Actually, Nick, I can't.
The doctor says I need to give
the ticker time to catch up.
I have to stay away from booze for a bit.
Great story bro.
Here you go.
No, no, I can't.
Here's to the boss.
Long with the chief.
[All] Long live the chief.
Hey, back to work, everyone.
Let's go back to work.
We did it, we got him!
We got him good.
Let's get an inventory.
Catch me up on the state of the club.
The golf club is
operating marginally, sir,
with as many underpaid and
under-qualified employees
as this mediocre town can
provide within budget, of course.
Like I said, this machine is
pretty much running itself,
I can say proudly.
The bar is fully stocked as usual.
But since you're absence,
we actually have a surplus.
Yeah, Eejo just finished
all the new signage
and all the greens and
fairways are in top condition.
That's obviously, that's not true,
but seems like you need good news.
Great work.
Now let's talk tournament.
How's everybody looking,
everybody playing okay?
You're not playing.
What do you mean?
You just got outta the
hospital, you are not playing.
Yeah, man, everyone knows
about the heart attack.
Also the bet, everyone
knows about the bet.
That was ill advised.
Look, I need to go
practice so that you all
can keep your jobs.
I need a tee time.
Oh, yes sir.
Dogleg, we got a tee
time for boss man step.
[Dogleg] We're all clear,
there's no one here today.
Oh, okay, thank you so much.
Conroy, you're not playing.
Not listening to you and
we will reconvene later.
Does anyone listen to me around here?
He's acting strange, no?
Maybe he had like a
bad dream or something.
Yeah, yeah.
(somber music)
(duck cooing)
(Conroy groaning)
Dude, are you trying to kill me.
Are you worried about
that bet with Jarvis?
You've been looking at other jobs?
Right.
I told Fred that to motivate you, man.
Hell, if I had kids, them and their kids
would owe you for my bar tab.
You kidding?
Twin Pines is losing steam though.
With that attitude.
Well, I just don't know
where we went wrong.
Me neither.
Is there anyone at this club
that knows how to play golf?
I mean, you've seen all we got.
Shainski might jump in for you.
Okay.
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Probably lose the bet.
This is good for the heart, right?
(Conroy plays guitar)
Well, I don't understand
what God's done to me.
'cause I'm short in the
britches and long off the tee...
I've hit every fairway
since I've been alive...
But Jesus won't give me no sexual drive.
Well I've got lots of balls
and I'm always in clubs.
And I've hooked up with skinnies
and crazies and chubs...
I've dated some ladies
that were awful fun...
But I ain't never got to the hole-in-one.
(club music)
What the fuck are we gonna do about Shane?
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
How you doing?
Hello sir.
Come on here, let's grab a seat.
You want a drink or something?
Yeah!
Okay, so you're bit all
over the place out there
and we really need to win this tournament
otherwise we're history.
Tournament?
Right.
[Fred] Everyone, I'd like
to introduce you to Khalil,
our newest member and scratch golfer.
Is he now? Would you maybe
be interested in playing
in this little tournament
we got coming up?
We got an extra spot and
sure wanna beat the shit
out of Magnolia Pointe.
Fuck yeah man.
Yes.
I like your enthusiasm.
Really?
Oh yeah.
That's fucking- 10 seconds ago,
we were just talking
about how screwed we were.
Hell yeah, dude.
There we go, dream team, done.
Well, as my dad used to say,
a birdie marks anything of
excellence, and you guys,
y'all are my birdies.
Right, since we aren't drinking.
Cheers to that.
Oh cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers to that.
Yeah, cheers bro.
Welcome!
All right, let's fucking get to work.
[Fred] Get to work.
Let's go with these guys.
We're gonna kick their ass.
(upbeat music)
(golf club bangs)
Cheers, cheers.
Okie, dokie, all right, Nick.
Right, right, right.
(golf club bangs)
(golf ball whistles)
(dramatic music)
[Marvin Gleeman] Cardinals
chirping in the Pines.
Wind whisping through the Bermuda grass.
Alligators nipping at our heels.
It's that time of year again, folks.
[Lucy Overwood] Welcome
to the 30th annual,
Dixie invitational captain's
choice golf tournament
on this beautiful day at
Twin Pines golf course.
Is that local news?
Yeah, Jarvis is trying to
make a big deal out of this.
Marvin Gleeman.
Marvin!
I did blow with him once.
[Dogleg] Just once?
So many times.
[Marvin] Welcome to
another Dixie invitational
at Twin Pines.
Today, the big focus is Adrian Boyd,
the five times champion team captain
and on the other end, Jake Baxter,
Charlie Conroy's new club
pro here at Twin Pines.
Now we hear-
[Pop] Oh shit.
[Marvin] A slight rivalry
brewing between these two clubs.
What are Jake Baxter's chances, John,
and what does his competition
look like this year?
[John Ingersall] These
guys from Twin Pines
who are calling themselves The Birdies
will make anything but that.
And they have as much chance
as a preacher's daughter
in Vegas.
- Well, strong words, John, strong words.
But that's right.
But Baxter had a promising future
before he mysteriously
vanished from the landscape
of amateur golf amids personal
troubles over 10 years ago.
Today he looks for redemption as he plays
against his former teammate, Adrian Boyd,
the tenured pro from Magnolia Pointe.
- That's right and they
have a surprise entrant.
International legend, the
pro golfer, John Nightly.
- Whoa.
[John Nightly] Baby, what
do you want from a man?!
His great aunt was a
member of Magnolia Pointe,
did you know that?
- I did not know that.
- Come on, Boyd, we got this.
Not today, bitch.
Oh I can't wait to hit this!
Ooh, shimmy, shimmy.
So you can't play now.
Just playing by your rules.
[Nightly] Oh, whoopsie.
Hi.
Hello.
How are things?
Not here.
Whoo! Smashed potatoes!
- [Marvin] And that's the first
shot at the Dixie Classic,
the tournament of marginal playing,
and culturally insensitive verbiage.
All right!
[Ingersall] That's right next up,
we have captain Adrian Boyd
for team protein from Magnolia Pointe.
Are these guys for real?
- Look, I don't know anything
about these fucking hicks.
So just stick to the
script, you Irish twat.
[Marvin] Adrian Boyd.
This douchebag has never seen
a real day of work in his life
and his hands.
Well, they are softer
than a newborn's ass.
Let's see what he does.
Whoa, what a shot and
we are underway folks.
HADOUKEN!
- Oh God, that's gross.
Pretty dumb.
(intense music)
[Nightly] That was a send!
(audience cheering)
[Marvin] Next up is
Baxter and team Birdies.
That'll work.
Kah-fucking-PING!
Shit.
(water sloshing)
(audience applauding)
Captain's choice.
Which ball will you
choose, Captain Baxter?
I think we'll be using my ball, sir.
(music intensifies)
Too easy, baby.
Yes, sir.
There she is.
(audience applauding)
This one's going down the pipe.
[Nightly] Party boy!
[Marvin] Oh, John Nightly
shows us his famous beer shower
celebration.
I am the best golfer ever!
[Marvin] Now for the birdies.
[Adrian] Oh my God.
I fucking love you guys.
[Marvin] Baxter up first.
(cheers) Hey, yeah.
[Gary] Is this a joke?
Oh my God, I hate poor people.
[Marvin] Now at the tee, Nick Hayes.
Whoa.
(audience applauding)
Sweet.
[Marvin] Next up, Emily Calhoun.
[Gary] Ooh, I'm a girl!
I might ask her out later.
And last up, Khalil Al-Asmari,
the newest member of Twin Pines.
[Ingersall This guy's
got all types of talent.
[Marvin] The late
edition from team Birdies
is really lighting it up.
Where did he come from?
Who is this guy?
(audience applauding)
Twin Pines is so lucky to have this guy.
[Marvin] Captain Protein rips another one.
(regurgitates)
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Tell you what Marv, John
lightly does not look well.
No, he does not.
About time.
I need some coke!
Huh, he's fine.
(audience applauding)
[Man] What'd you use bro?
(audience applauding)
Well, well, well, look who showed up.
You are not off the hook.
Dammit, seriously.
But I love you Jake Baxter
no matter what you do.
Now go kick this prick's ass.
My girl.
Daughter.
Daddy.
[Marvin] We are tied up
folks! Onto the back nine.
- Oh my God, that made my dick hard.
Yeah, I'll stick with it.
I'm gonna stick with this golf thing.
Oh my gosh, you missed.
(audience cheering)
[Marvin] That's a Birdie for
Emily Calhoun of Team Birdies.
[Ingersall] Showing us their
namesake in more than one way.
An eagle for team Protein.
Yeah boy!
(cheers)
- Woo.
- Nice.
(golf club bangs)
We're on the last whole game.
Team protein needs
something big happen here.
There are one back from a playoff.
Here we go.
[Gary] Roper.
There you go.
It's actually better than I thought.
Jesus, you're worse than Thomas!
(golf club bangs)
In certain circles,
that's a really good shot.
[Marvin] Twin Pines needs just par to win
and they're putting for Birdie.
They've got to make this shot to win.
Holy shit folks.
They're blowing it.
[Ingersall] I can't believe
this, Magnolia Pointe
is still in this match.
[Adrian] You putt like a girl.
[Jake] It's all right.
[Marvin] Unbelievable, meltdown
from these unpredictable
Birdies from Twin Pines.
If they can't make it,
they lose, or we gotta tie
and go into a three
hole, one-on-one playoff.
[Ingersall] Baxter wants this one.
In the hole!
We gotta tie folks.
[Marvin] We go into a three
hole playoff, winner take all.
The team captains must play head, head,
individual match play to break the tie.
That's good because John
Nightly is disqualified
as he has passed out on hole 16
and weirdly nobody is
paying any attention.
Just another day on
the course for Nightly.
Magnolia Pointe is away,
so Boyd will tee off first.
HADOUKEN.
Fuck.
(birds chirping)
Baxter for eagle.
You know what to do Jakey Bear.
Oh my God.
Not only are you a part of this universe,
but you are the universe.
For sure, thanks dude.
You are that tiny little white ball.
Nick, I'm trying to focus here, man.
You're that tiny little
white ball that happens
to have a big fat hickey on your neck.
I don't have a fucking hickey,
just get outta here, dude.
Good luck.
So annoying.
Mark it.
[Ingersall] Big mistake and a
disappointment for that Eagle.
You know what to do Adrian-
Fuck bro.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that.
And Boyd makes the putt in the hole.
Whoa baby.
Yet another Birdie.
Big missed opportunity.
Baxter still manages to be
one under in the playoffs.
One under for Boyd and
Baxter and on to the next.
How do my calves look?
Always beautiful, you know that?
[Nick] Yes sir.
HADOUKEN!
(audience applauding)
(laughs) From earlier.
It's fine, I don't mind a shorter walk.
Did you dye your hair more blonde?
What?
Did you dye your hair more blonde?
This is fucking natural.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.
[Marvin] And Boyd makes the putt.
(audience cheering)
It's in the hole.
On to the next.
Birdie, Birdie.
Yessir!
[Marvin] We're on the final hole, people.
This is a 300 yard par four.
And I believe both these
gentlemen are capable
of getting it near the green,
but it will take a lot of club, John.
And even more balls, Marvin.
Yes, John.
It will take big, huge testicles.
Boyd with an amazing drive.
This is my storybook ending.
This is my storybook ending!
[Ingersall] And some
inappropriate gestures
being exchanged folks.
So if you have any kids
that are watching at home,
you should really rethink your parenting
and grab a Swinger Lite.
Long day on the links?
Pound a Swinger.
We love Swinger.
That's right, John.
Speaking of Swinger, Adrian
Boyd could still swing himself
into a birdie if he can get on the green
with his next shot.
Or Baxter's short game
could fail him once again.
That's possible.
It's the perfect hole?
We are the Birdies...
[Nick Whispers] Birdies, birdies
[Team Birdies] Birdies, birdies, birdies
Birdies, birdies, birdies!
Here we go.
[All] Birdies. Birdies!
There we go.
Let's go!
Louder!
[Team Birdies] Birdies, birdies, birdies.
Birdies, baby!
BIRDIES FOREVER!
I am Jake fucking Baxter and I am BACK!
Wooohooo!
Nick, hand me that motherfucking two-
That's exactly what I wanted.
How'd you know?
(Nick laughs)
Win or lose, that's cool
that you know I was gonna...
That's pretty cool.
[Nick] Right right, we're- yeah!
Here we go.
[Marvin] It's a beautiful shot.
That is a sniper shot,
the best I've ever seen.
[Pop] Damn it's a SNIPER SHOT!
[Marvin] Could this even be possible?
Has anyone ever?
It's a hole in ONE
I can't believe it!
Jake Baxter just aced a par four!
He need a Birdie but he got an albatross.
[Pop] Yeah, my boy!
[Marvin] Adrian Boyd is out of this match!
(people cheering)
Oh my God.
(people cheering)
Well, so I guess I work for you now.
Partners?
Something like that.
I think you should probably kiss me now.
Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
Conroy, that was the fu-
Oh my God, did not know
you guys are about to kiss.
I am so sorry.
Dude, I am so sorry.
We weren't about to kiss, we were kissing.
Thry were kissing.
I'll let it slide.
I've never seen anything like that, Jake.
You saved my ass.
Yeah, I kinda did, didn't I?
It's the best job I ever, dude.
Anything you want, you got it.
You're home now.
You hear me, the both of you.
Appreciate that, thank you Conroy.
I guess I'll have my attorney
start to make arrangements.
You got my number, I'll
expect keys in two weeks.
I'm gonna call the motel,
have 'em save our favorite suite.
Not here, later, later.
All right, yeah.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving, Mr. Boyd.
We don't have to talk about any of this.
Adrian.
Look, man, I still don't like you
but, goddammit.
You respect me?
No, I realized soon as I said that,
it sounded like I was gonna say respect.
It was not, it's more like,
I think you're a good golfer.
(birds chirping)
Well, looks like you got a new club, boss.
Yeah, don't get too excited.
I might fuck it up.
I'm not gonna!
White people.
So, when are we gonna work
on my putting game, huh?
Oh, putting is not my department.
I would defer to my short
game professor, Nick.
He'll take it from here.
Won't you follow me, Ms. Gladys.
His putting sucks the ass.
I'm working on it.
Yeah okay.
What the hell are we
gonna do about these guys?
They can sleep it off.
Yeah, I feel like we should
call the greens keepers.
I feel like you're probably right.
Hey greens, we could use a
clean up at the driving range.
Got three naked dudes laying here.
Copy clubhouse, Adrian is on his way.
If you guys are talking
about my dad again,
you can screw off!
He's happy.
Thank you very much.
Do me a favor, when you're
done fixing that boys,
come up here and fix this for me.
Fix what?
(golf cart buzzing)
Hey what'd I miss?
Oh, just another day at
Twin Pines, you know.
I tell you what, I'm thirsty.
I'll take a water 'cause I'm pregnant.
Well, I mean we're pregnant.
She's pregnant.
Well, this round's on me.
Thanks so much.
Yeah.
To Twin Pines, may the
tradition continue to continue.
- [All] Twin Pines.
(hammer bangs)
Pin on your diapers,
Charlie, and hit that nail.
(hammer bangs)
(birds chirping)
There you have it, Charlie.
Twin Pines is finally complete.
And one day, all of
this is gonna be yours.
Don't fuck it up.
(birds chirping)
[Man] Fore!
(golf club bangs)
(drink whizzing)
(golf club strikes)
(lighter clicks)
(golf cart whirring)
Hola, Mr. Conroy!
Buenos Dias, Eejo!
(Eejo cheers)
Amigo, amigo.
[Fred] Boss, are you here yet?
Son of a bitch!
(Conroy grunts)
What?
[Fred] We need an exterminator.
Just call the cheapest one you can find.
No more than three stars.
[Fred] You also need someone
that will generally run this club,
and not just run it into the ground.
Little harsh for 8:00 a.m. Fred.
[Fred] How's that morning latte, Conroy?
Oh, it was going great
until you fucked it up.
[Fred] So you'll black out
five minutes later than usual?
If I'm lucky.
[Fred] Perfect,
I will update the schedule.
(golf cart whirring)
(phone ringing)
[Jake] Pop, phone.
(phone ringing)
Pop,
phone's ringing.
[Pop] What the hell do I pay you for?
The phone's right behind you, you weirdo.
Just answer it.
[Man On TV] Trust me. She
wants the whole shaft.
Roach Smokers.
Yes, ma'am.
And where is this at?
Twin Pines Country Club.
I'm gonna send my best
man over there right now.
Thank you very much.
You hired someone new?
Would you rather me
lower their expectations?
You could.
Might set a better precedent.
Turn the damn TV off and
get your ass to work.
You want this off?
Helps you sleep.
You relive your glory days
on someone else's time.
The only future you have in golf
is at Twin Pines killing bugs.
Ouch, that was so mean.
Also, I've been hitting the
driving range every Wednesday,
thank you very much.
Oh, does Brandy know about this?
Oh God, no.
Please don't tell her also
that'd be a massive problem.
Get your ass out here and
make me some damn money.
Okay, I love you so much.
Hope you say it back someday.
Yeah, I bet you do.
(car engine revving)
(golf cart whirring)
Oh, not again.
(golf cart whirring)
Ms. Gladys, you okay?
[Gladys] Yeah, I'm fine.
(Gladys belches)
Dehydrated.
I'll send Emily over, stat.
Gladys needs a little assistance
by the ninth hole Tee.
Copy?
Copy that, on my way.
(siren wailing)
10-4.
Emily's gonna bring you beer, Ms. Gladys.
We're good.
(golf cart whirring)
Fuckers.
(golf carts buzzing)
Shane, Jesus!
What's up boss?
Shainski had a big night,
sex with a dude, again.
It's called being experimental, Mikels,
and dude was actually
quite the gentleman...
and pretty fucking sexy.
Told you.
You guys gonna clean this up?
[Shainski] Hey, Linda!
[Shainski] It's raining
men, girl, let's go!
...Let's get some drinks!
(door bangs)
Charlie, we've gotta
get this place together.
Fred, honey, take it easy.
Exterminator's on his way.
Great, see if he'll cut us a deal.
Yeah, how?
Maybe he likes golf.
Dixie Classic tournament...
Ready to lose again?
Won't be difficult.
It's our year to host.
A little patchwork on the greens.
Call it good, and goodbye.
And another thing.
Fred, you are killing my buzz.
Jarvis Boyd is the tournament
director this year,
and you know his
inspections can be a bitch.
He is not gonna give
Charlie Conroy any breaks.
Twin Pines is of course for normal people.
I'll keep it that way.
There's a new rule in the Dixie this year.
Oh, more good news.
Any club that hasn't won
in a 15 year tournament cycle is out.
Spell it out for me, Fred.
We have to win the Dixie Classic.
Or, hear me,
say goodbye to this stupid tradition!
It's a dumb name anyway,
What year is it?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Nick] Morning, everyone!
Connie!
What's shaking?
It's our year to host the Dixie,
you need to get this place in shape.
What was that?
What.
I think I just cut you off.
I wasn't even speaking, Nick.
Oh, oh.
(opens beer)
Good answer.
I have an appointment.
Another online date?
Wrong, I met her on a dating app,
I'm modernizing.
Court your online hussies somewhere else.
Liquor's free here.
No, it's not -
Nick, it's 9:00 a.m.
That's true, it is 9:00 a.m., Conroy.
She better show up sooner or
I'm gonna start without her.
(door squeaks)
[Darcy] Knock, knock.
[Nick] Your breakfast, sir.
Hello?
Shit, she came in the front.
Hey, the tournament -
get this place in shape, huh?
I need you to go out there
and talk to the exterminator.
Is that a...
That's where I cut you off.
Ah, miss Darcy.
Charlie Conroy!
You're the exterminator?
...Yeah.
Yeah! What's your name?
Jake.
Hey Jake, I'm Nick.
Nice to meet you.
Jake, do you ever get in the mind of a bug
when you do your work?
Nah, I usually just kill 'em.
Right.
So what's the damage?
Well, it's roaches which I'm sure you saw.
Some cultures in the
Amazon believe roaches
are premonition of death to the homeowner.
Who do you think's gonna die, Jake?
I mean, I don't really know you guys.
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I'll send
the bill soon as possible.
Just in case.
How about club credit?
...Beverages included, of course.
No, no, that's not possible.
All right, well send the bill over,
we'll take care of it, quick.
Yeah, we take any major credit card.
We're just a regular company.
Man, we really like that club
credit thing around here,
but yeah, it's whatever, okay,
what do you gotta do?
All right, how about this?
I'll give you a small
discount for a bucket of balls
at the driving range.
You got a deal.
But no one can find out about this.
Nobody.
If my girl finds out, she will
literally cut my dick off.
Sir, I know secrets men have died for.
Good men, men of honor.
Yeah, whatever, man.
Just don't tell anybody.
I mean, I don't know my name.
I won't tell me.
...You just said it was Nick.
[Nick opens beer]
So she says, come to the hotel
and text me when you get there.
I do.
She says there's this card
key underneath the mat,
the side door, and there was.
Opened the door...
Didn't really know what to
expect, but I saw it right away.
The bathroom would be right
there, but there was a,
like a sheet completely
covering the bathroom door.
But there was a slit in the sheet.
What are you talking about?
[Dogleg] Yes, sir, I'd like
to make a return please.
On an item number A2415.
It's lube on the move.
Yes, sir, I have two of those
and I'd like return them both, please.
There's Dogleg.
Hey also, is this approved by FDA?
No?
So you still don't know
what she looks like?
Not a clue.
[Jake] You guys gotta
keep hanging out, or?
- I hope so, man.
[Jake] Think it'll be something serious?
I doubt it could possibly be.
By the way, it's...
Damn!
Fuck you man.
[Jake] Yeah man, thanks
for letting me do this.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
Thanks for listening to my story.
Mom didn't like it.
Holy shit.
Man, you're pretty good.
I'm gonna come up there
and kick your ass, dude!
Yeah, I used to play.
Used to?
Yeah, girlfriend.
Ah, right.
No, the blow-up-doll was fine.
We just wish it was a girl not a guy.
But it's fine, my wife loves him-
You must have a huge dick!
- Oh, not you sir.
Do we like this guy?
I don't even know that guy.
[Dogleg] I've gotta...
What's the flattest iron
you're having there?
We got a two!
You have a two iron?
[Nick] Oh yeah.
For real?
Wow, look at that.
Get it.
That'll work.
Oh man, I can't wait to see this shit.
What is this, a family heirloom?
Nah, I don't have any family.
(golf ball whistles)
Goddamn dude.
Holy shit.
[Nick] Wow.
I will be right back, sir.
All right.
So, what are the rules on the participants
for the tournament?
Employees and members, even I know that.
...This guy.
You know, we're still looking
for a club for pro, right?
Pro, what happened to Harvey?
Oh, he's dead.
What?
How, when?
A couple years, I have no idea really?
My word.
[Dougleg] Fuck you man.
Damn you.
Ah, fuck dude.
My balls everywhere!
Oh man.
What the heck dude.
Fuck man.
Fuck you, man.
What?
No, I'll call you back.
Good?
[Dogleg] Fuck you!
I can't hear you.
I'm Jake.
Jake!
(golf cart whirring)
Hey, that was pretty
incredible on the range there.
Oh, thanks man.
I'm Charlie Conroy, I own all this.
Oh, Jake Baxter.
Nice to meet you.
How much you make killing bugs, Jake?
Not a ton.
(phone rings)
Oh, go ahead.
What's up, Pop.
Where in the hell have you been?
Janice Wieman has called three times!
I know, yes, I'm on it.
[Pop] You've been outta-
I'm on it Pop.
[Pop] -fuckin around on the golf course -
I'm hanging up.
Goodbye.
Piece of shit.
Work for me.
What's that?
I want you to be my golf pro.
You serious?
You got quite a reputation, you know that?
I remember you from your college days.
Oh yeah, my college days.
Criminal, dropout, golf phenom...
You'll fit right in man.
What do you guys even pay?
Double.
Of half your current pay,
10% increase, of course.
Yeah, that's a really shitty deal. Sorry.
Shit's also a fertilizer, Jake,
plus you're an exterminator, so...
You get a raise to have a cool job.
Why don't you show up
tomorrow morning, 9:00 a.m.
Anything else Nick?
Well, I mean you get
free buckets of balls.
The world's yours, buddy.
Yeah, I can't, I'm sorry.
That would be a huge
problem with my girlfriend.
She should be happy if you're happy, Jake.
And if not just dump her ass.
I can't, she's rich and beautiful, so.
I'm sure she's understanding.
And rich and beautiful? No.
How does she feel about
your current employment?
It's literally anything
but golf is allowed.
Really?
That's kind of where I right now.
(phone rings) Jesus.
I'm sorry.
Yes Pop, I'm just finishing up over here.
It's okay Jake, you're fired.
Hello?
I just got fired.
(pat on back)
See you tomorrow morning.
9:00 a.m.
Oh, goddamn it.
[Jarvis] Well gentlemen,
welcome to the quarterly board meeting
of the Magnolia Pointe Country Club.
Our first order of business today
is to revoke the membership
of Mr. Gerald Schilner.
It seems his financials
are not in line with
this club's requirements.
And his car's five years
old for heaven sakes.
[Gary] And it's hunter green.
Poor people, ew. (they all laugh)
[Adrian] Zip it, you twats!
Daddy.
Anything else?
Yeah, I just talked to Darcy Dobbins.
It seems Twin Pines has
hired a new golf pro.
Did they?
[Thomas] Yes, sir, Mr. Boyd.
An exterminator... Jake Baxter.
JAKE BAXTER!?
(man laughs)
Yeah, we are familiar.
He was on my golf team in college.
He got kicked out for selling drugs.
Is he any good?
He beat Adrian a few times.
I was injured.
Okay, then what?
Then he became a loser
exterminator, genius.
Duh.
Not anymore.
Clean your ugly face, ugly person.
Oh burn.
(both laugh)
Fuck you Thomas.
- Fuck you.
So what exactly do we need to
know about this Baxter guy?
I said, what do we need to
know about this Baxter guy?
(car engine roaring)
(rain pattering)
Brandy?
The fuck!
Where have you been?
Fuck it, I was working late.
There's a bunch of bugs-
I'll ask you again.
Where the fuck have you been?
I cooked.
I cheated on you.
I was out having sex with
someone, my secretary.
You don't have a secretary.
A secretary, and she was so hot, too.
And she was a doctor secretary,
and she was a doctor, too.
Son of a bitch.
It was just sticking outta
my pocket, wasn't it?
Classic Baxter.
Pop fired you and now you're playing golf.
Babe, it was just the driving range.
It wasn't even fun.
It was stupid-
Same thing.
Well, it's not the same thing, baby.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
But I have news, I have really good news.
You ready?
So you know how you've always been saying
I should quit Roach
Smokers, get a real job.
Yeah, but you didn't quit, you got fired.
Yeah, that part took care of itself.
But the cool part is I got a new job.
Who would hire you?
Twin Pines.
Conroy's old club?
Yeah.
And what are you doing at Twin Pines?
I don't know.
We- we didn't really talk about it.
I think I'm the new club pro.
That's it.
Babe, it pays more and it's
something I actually enjoy.
Like we need money.
I'm not gonna keep living
off your dad's money
for the rest of my life.
What the fuck is that?
Is that new?
There's a new man in town.
Good God.
So you just need to get out of my house.
Brandy.
Now.
Fuck!.
Like now.
Are you seriously hitting me?
Like for real.
Okay, Brandy!
Like, get out.
- If I did that to you-
Now, get out.
- It'd be a whole thing on the news.
(banging on door)
Brandy!
Please don't use that thing without me
that will ruin my
confidence, Brandy, please.
(thunder rumbling)
Can I at least have my keys?
Brandy.
(crickets chirping)
(door bangs)
Excuse me.
Sorry.
(Eejo whispers) Shut the fuck up man!
We're trying to surprise someone.
(Jake whispers) Who are we surprising?
You're still talking?
I'm sorry, man.
Dude, we got a new golf pro.
Just go and spray or whatever you do, bro.
...You're gonna laugh, but I
think I'm the new golf pro.
Unless you hired more than one.
What?
I'm Jake.
I met Conroy yesterday, and Nick.
(yells out) Fucking surprise bro.
Hey Jake! Someone unjammed
the back door, that's awesome.
Whoa.
We love surprises around here.
We just love 'em.
We're not good at 'em but-
No, no, I was surprised.
Yeah, hey, grab some candy if you want.
I'm good for now.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, we already got into that piata.
I mean it's a piata, yeah.
Hey, this is the Twin Pines crew.
How's it going everybody?
Yeah, look at that.
Thank you for this.
Jake... uh, Baxter.
Yeah, our head greensman, Eejo.
Hey, aloha amigo.
Aloha.
Hey, pacha-mama of the
Aztec nation welcomes you.
Yeah, pacha-mama uh back at you.
Tell her, I said hello.
Goes to Peru one week,
changes him forever.
That's where we met actually.
Follow me.
This is Fred, she's our badass bartender.
Fred, is it?
Fred.
As in like...
Fred.
Your name is Fred.
We got Shainski, Mikels.
I would avoid them if you could.
You're late to the party, bro.
That's okay, Jake's running late too.
Are they good?
No, they're not.
All right, here we have Emily.
She drives the beer cart.
And her sister as hot as hell
and doesn't think that I am.
Bummer.
Yeah.
Hi Jake.
How's it going?
Your expertise is a welcome change.
Hopefully you work out better
than the last head pro.
He died.
Yeah.
Did he really die?
Oh yeah, he died real hard.
[Jake] Oh.
Last and very least, we have Dogleg.
He drives the picker cart,
which you demolished,
but he also runs the pro shop
and you could use some new threads.
So go ahead and do your thing Leg.
I say a medium shirt, 32 by 30 pants.
A little loose on the trousers there.
Yeah, actually dead on.
You hit my cart again,
I'll rip those nuts off.
Cool.
Sorry, I didn't know I would
like meet you in person.
Okay, beer.
I'm good, thank you.
Little early, don't you think?
It's like 9:00 a.m.
Okay.
Thank you, thank you for saying that.
I think we started around 7:00, right?
6:00?
6:30.
Maybe 6:30.
El YESTARDA
Enejo hasn't stopped.
Really?
Yeah.
So you guys all just drink
as soon as the day starts.
Welcome to hell.
Right on, cool.
So who's all like running things?
Back to work, everyone!
Gotcha!
We so got him.
Yeah, this place pretty much runs itself.
We're fine.
It does?
Yeah.
I don't know.
I do...
...and you do too.
Hey, let me show you your office.
I have an office.
Fuck yeah, you have an office.
Oh yeah, sure.
Show me the office.
Follow me.
All right.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Yep, here we go.
Oh, is this it?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I thought you said, I got an office.
I don't think I said that.
Now get back there, feel it out.
Sure.
No, yeah, this is nice.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah, this is...
[Nick] A desk.
Yeah, this is plenty.
Agreed, agreed.
Oops.
It's all right.
Oh my God.
That.
Can't waste that.
Yeah.
So just to be clear, what
exactly is my job supposed to be?
You know, go out to
the range and practice,
participate in our annual tournament.
Glad-hand the members and the guests.
Club pro shit.
Wait, I have to play in a tournament?
Yeah, it's not a big deal, it'll be fun.
There's no pressure, we never win.
Okay, I haven't played
golf in like seven years.
Well, I appreciate your modesty.
What is that?
What?
Is that a hickey?
It's definitely not a hickey.
I haven't had a hickey
in a really long time.
You dog, let's get you
outta those clothes.
Is there something on my neck, Nick?
Nick, my neck?
(upbeat music)
All right, so this is
where you'll be schmoozing
with the guests, the
members, the drunk golfers,
giving 'em tips and tricks
and stuff like that.
Let's do a shot.
I'm good, thank you.
All right.
You are spilling that.
All over the bar, sure.
Great.
All right, there you go.
I said no, thank you.
I'll take both.
Jake, I'm sure no one's told you.
So let me be the first.
We're not gonna make it to next quarter.
Fred, easy, it's his first day.
Welcome Jake.
Where's your glass?
I actually don't drink.
What?
If I have one drink, then within the hour,
I'll be out on that
fairway naked smoking meth.
It's like a whole problem,
people will hate me.
People would love you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, do not try to corrupt
our new golf pro.
The hell is wrong with you two.
Fred is right.
It's actually kind of perfect.
Not only do we need to fix this place up,
but we need to win that prize money.
And if Jake is sober, God help him,
maybe that will improve our chances.
I'm glad you think that's funny.
Now who besides the three of
us here can actually play golf?
Well, we got me.
One.
You.
Two.
There's this guy.
Now three.
Yeah, you're right.
We need one more.
Conroy, we have to win
the tournament this year.
Have we ever won the tournament?
Yeah.
A long time ago.
My dad started the Dixie
when he built this club,
I can't get us kicked out of it.
Besides we need that fucking prize money.
We can do countless things.
We could do like a yard sale of some sort.
We could do a car, like a sexy car wash.
Something, I don't know.
We could strip down and get some--
- I'm not doing a car wash.
I don't know, I'm just riffing.
We lose the tournament, we lose the money,
we lose the club, we lose our jobs.
I'm losing my buzz.
Anyone wanna shot?
Deal me in.
Jake?
No, I'm still sober.
So Conroy, do I have to play
against other like, club pros?
Relax, it's captain's choice.
Best ball wins each stroke.
No, no, that's the whole thing.
That's what I was telling you, I can't.
My girlfriend.
Look, who is this girl?
Why does she hate golf?
Jake, many psychologists
affirm that malicious feelings
toward a significant others' key interest
is very, very toxic.
Psychologists don't
even know my girlfriend.
We're fine, we're in love.
I like her a lot and we're happy.
When I was in college, on the golf team,
I used to get in a lot of trouble
and her whole family kinda hates me.
Yeah.
So shots?
No, I don't drink.
I permanently don't drink.
Okay.
At all.
All right.
I get it.
(classical music)
Well, it's just been a
pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Al-Asmari
Sarah, the pleasure's all mine.
Thank you so much.
Your application has been submitted,
so I hope I get to call
you in a couple of weeks
with the good news.
Well, I'm excited, Sarah.
I've been looking forward to
playing this place a long time.
Oh, it's the my pleasure.
Yes, you have a great day.
I'll see you soon.
Yeah, you too.
Okay.
Relax, Sarah.
Oh, I was--
No, I thought I would just drop by
and see how you were doing.
I am doing fine.
You know that applicant
that was just in here
a little while ago.
Yes.
He seemed a little, what's the word?
Unconventional,
non-traditional, different.
Sure.
All business aside, that
offer for that second drink
still stands.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you know, I am just really exhausted.
The end of a long day, you know?
But thank you.
We'll take this up at a different time.
All right everybody, listen up.
I got an announcement to make.
We've got the Dixie tournament coming up
and short story shorter, we have to win.
So we are getting our shit together, okay.
The team is gonna be
Jake, Nick and myself,
which means only one of you
needs to learn how to play golf.
Who's the best here at Twin Pines?
Yeah, who sucks the least?
That'd be Shane when he's sober,
but one sip of booze, he's fucked.
Harsh dude.
It's true.
Jake, all I know is that
you gotta beat that douche
at Magnolia Pointe.
Yeah, I am aware.
Thank you, Emily.
Yeah, Adrian Boyd has
not lost in seven years.
Still the biggest douchebag
in seven kingdoms.
Am I?
Is he?
Oh Christ.
Jake fucking Baxter.
I haven't seen you since
you were being a loser,
letting everyone down.
Shouldn't you be somewhere
spraying cockroaches?
(all laugh)
You know this prick?
Yeah, for sure.
Believe it or not, this tiny little boy
is my future brother-in-law, can't wait.
Maybe you people haven't realized this,
but your new golf pro
is a convicted felon,
an alcoholic and a drug addict.
Yeah.
(all cheer) Yeah!
Don't cheer, don't cheer.
I'm sober now, seven years.
I keep telling you guys.
Thank you.
Baxter, you deserve to be in this dump.
Jesus!
What color is your ceiling?
Cancer?
What's with this homeless guy?
(both laugh)
Fuck you.
The fuck do you want?
Just trying to grab some beers, man.
Catch the scenery.
Trying to figure out what
happened to this shithole.
Hey sweetie, how about three beers, stat.
Wow.
How about no.
All right, I'm sorry, but her name's Fred.
Fred?
Yeah.
Oh, I'll call your name out later, baby.
Fred, Fred.
It's a guy's name.
Oh Jesus.
Hey, watch it bro, I'll sue your ass.
Hold me back, man.
Hey man, you're lucky
they're holding me back, bro.
Slow down fucker.
Shitty bar anyway.
I think it's time for you to go.
This place makes my eyes
want to kill themselves.
Let's go.
Wait.
Hey Jake.
What?
Don't you wanna know what
my handicap is these days?
Your personality?
Impotence?
Oh my God.
You think you can beat me.
(they laugh)
Oh my God.
That is so adorable.
I just wanna pinch you.
(both laugh)
I do!
You know what, I do.
It wouldn't be anything new, would it?
That was seven years ago, man.
Conroy, is this little asshole
the only competition we have?
I promise you Baxter, I am a huge asshole.
Huge.
Gaping.
When he poots, it goes whoooo.
Wind tunnel.
Why are you bragging about that?
Watch your shit, Baxter.
Yeah, I'll watch my shit, bro.
I'll watch my shit drop on your face.
Yeah gross, I'm sorry.
I don't usually say stuff like that.
I don't know what to say to that.
Come on.
Later nerds.
Hey guys, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Wow, fuck.
A bit of a scene, huh?
I'm sorry about that everybody.
I have kind of a history with that guy.
You just gotta externalize him, man.
I mean this whole experience
is a result of our ego.
So just absorb that negativity,
turn it into something good.
After the tournament.
What was that dude?
Was that like special
ops or Navy Seal or what?
I was mall security for a while.
Can I get a shot, please?
[Dogleg] Dangerous mall.
Yeah, you actually deserve this one.
Hey, you know what, can I borrow that club
up there real quick?
I got an idea.
Go ahead.
Perfect.
Can you come with me
though just 'cause you can,
that kick that you can do.
Those chicks upstairs were
jocking you so hard, bro.
Of course they were.
Get in the car.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
There's no fucking way
I'm letting that guy
steal my thunder.
Oh hell no.
Your thunder is so unstealable A. money.
Right?
[All] Yeah.
Oh Jesus Christ.
Are you okay?
I don't know, you guys okay?
Fore.
Nobody fucks with Seabiscuit!
Oh, he's coming, man.
Get in the car man.
Go, go, go, man.
See you in court!
Take care.
Oh my God, man.
This place rules, man.
Jake, I cannot wait to see how
you perform in competition.
Yeah, me too.
See how it goes.
So what happened in college?
Yeah, yeah, that was kind of an ordeal.
10 hookers from just
like the yellow pages.
I think that was the worst
part, was the hookers.
But then also a pound of
weed, half a gallon of jack.
133 beers, I think they
counted, and ounce of coke.
And then some molly and then
some guy brought ketamine.
I had never done ketamine.
So we did that and then poppers
and then half a tab of acid.
This is after I won state junior year.
That sounds like a great week.
This was one night.
How'd she find out?
That was my fault.
I invited her into bed
with us and then she knew
right then and there.
And how is she handling all this?
Not great.
She locked me out last night.
I slept in the rain.
So that's couple stuff.
You're together seven years,
you kinda, you sleep
in the rain sometimes.
We'll talk about it at dinner.
So back to this whole you not playing golf
for the last seven years.
Can we get you back out for
another round or five tomorrow.
And then every other day
leading up to the tournament?
We've got two weeks to practice.
Jake, historically, we've
not had the best relationship
with the members at Magnolia Pointe.
Or the management.
Boss fucked Jarvis's wife.
His ex-wife.
Because you fucked her.
You fucked Jarvis's wife?
Oh my God, dude.
Is that why they got divorced?
You know the rumors
that he's in the closet
and that's why they got divorced.
Oh, he's deep in the closet.
Damn dude, that's cool.
I think that's really cool.
Sick dude.
How's Adrian's game looking these days?
I said how's Adrian's game these days?
Let me get this for you, sir.
You got a little something on your shirt.
What?
Something on your shirt.
- hat the hell?
What is this?
Did you do this?
I did not.
Get the hell out, you're fired.
Oh right.
Get outta here.
Night fellas.
See you later, man.
Good first day, Jake.
Thank you, sir.
You good to drive?
Yeah, I got my license.
(car engine revving)
(car door thuds)
Hey!
Hey.
You live there?
Yeah.
Why do you drive?
Well, I was over there, but I live here.
Fair enough.
Oof.
(door thuds)
Hey honey.
Hey gummy bear.
How was your first day?
Ah, it was whatever.
You know, it's one of those...
Not great, huh?
I guess you're just stuck with it.
Yeah.
Can't go back to Roach Smokers.
I can't, it's so stupid, it sucks.
I have to like golf now.
Fuck.
If you quit, you have sex again.
Man, yes.
Kind of starting to forget
what that feels like.
Is that something we
could maybe discuss, or?
I don't think so.
Still no.
That's fair.
What's for dinner?
We have a roasted bird with
brown rice and asparagus.
Sounds good.
Nope.
Jesus Christ Brandy.
You're torturing me at this point.
You don't have to wear that to bed.
It's just comfy.
(Brandy moaning)
Fucking God.
Brandy, I need you.
Then you need to find another job.
Brandy, you can't keep blaming golf
for all the things that
happened to us in college.
I'm sorry us.
And by that, do you mean
the hookers and drugs?
That we did?
Oh my God, here we go.
If I can't blame golf
then who can I blame?
Everything's been fine since
then and now look at you.
No sex because golf.
Fine.
(Brandy moaning)
Whatever.
(porn music starts)
(both moan)
Oh yeah.
Wow.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, this is better.
I like this better!
All right folks, balls teed up!
Tee up those balls.
(golf club bangs, misses)
Fred, keep your head down.
Dogleg, I would say probably just no,
you can probably go pick up those balls.
Gladys, I noticed a slice.
Shainski, I know you
wanna have a wide stance
'cause you're so drunk
and it's hard to stand up.
But if you narrow that stance,
you can get more rotation
through the hips, all right?
Mikels bend those knees,
tighten up a little bit,
but stay relaxed.
Eejo, are those gardening gloves?
Emily, that was fucking hot.
That was good, the swing was good.
I've been working here for five years.
I don't know what they've been doing.
Okay everyone, if your
ball did not go past
the 100 yard marker, you
have officially been cut.
But don't get it twisted,
you have not been cut off.
Go ahead and feel free
to make your way back
to the clubhouse, put some
liquids into your face holes.
Have fun.
Yeah.
Hey you two, threesome?
Come on.
Hey, wait for me Gladys.
Oh shit snake, man.
Snake!
(Mikels laughs)
Meet Sir Hissyfit.
Oh, come on Shainski, it was a joke, bro.
I got it all on video,
I'm posting right now.
[Gladys] You fucking pussy.
(man laughs)
(phone rings)
Hi.
Hey, what are you doing?
Just working away.
Looking at Match Strike?
Yeah, okay.
Fine, yeah, I am.
But unsuccessfully.
You'll find someone.
Hmm, sexy mama.
How about,
a drink?
(phone chimes)
Yeah, someone equally
as desperate as I am.
Charlie Conroy just messaged me.
That crazy guy that owns Twin Pines?
I haven't even said one word to this guy
and he wants to meet for a drink.
He's desperate.
You're desperate too.
Talk to you later.
Hi.
How are you, Charlie?
(phone chiming)
Much better now that I
am looking at your...
(phone chimes)
(Sarah chuckles)
How about dinner?
I think so.
I'll hold off on that.
A cocktail and a bite.
No strings attached.
(phone chimes)
Your putt looks like shit dude.
Yeah.
Got any pointers?
See, your mechanics are off.
Let's see.
Discomfort in your right hip.
Yeah, how'd you know?
I mean it's pretty fucking obvious.
Putting all your weight on the left side.
You're overcompensating.
I've been to like a thousand
doctor since college
and no one can diagnose it.
I can help you.
Can you?
Oh yeah.
How.
Huachuma ceremony.
Pardon?
It's an ancient shamanic
medicine from the sacred cactus.
Also known as San Pedro.
Nick, are you a shaman?
Oh God, no.
For we are all our own shaman, Jake.
Oh we are?
The medicine will teach you.
It'll show you where the pain
is so you can extract it.
The grandfather is very wise.
Your grandfather?
No, no, no, he's an idiot.
The cactus, grandfather Huachuma.
Cut and cooked right here at Twin Pines.
Really?
Oh yeah.
(island music)
So how long have you been on Match Strike?
It was my daughter's idea, I just...
Can I get you anything to drink?
A cocktail?
No thank you, just water for me.
Two martinis.
No, no, just one, I'm not drinking.
They're for me.
I took a nap, I just gotta
get back up to speed.
Oh shit.
Now what?
That's my boss, he
comes here all the time.
Well, no worries, let's chat with him.
Oh this fucking dickhead?
Sarah, you look beautiful.
Thank you.
Charlie Conroy.
Are you sober tonight, Charlie?
Dickhead, Jarvis.
I know you're gonna date
other men, that's fine.
But this individual just
is not in your class.
The fuck did you just say?
Hey, watch your language.
This is not Twin Pines.
You're gonna apologize
after I've taken my foot
outta your asshole.
You're right, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Conroy, that
you're such a loser.
Your daddy would be so ashamed of you.
Yeah, care put a little wager on that?
I would, but I don't
think you can afford it.
I'll bet you 25 grand on the Dixie
that I've got better golfers and people
than all those pricks at Magnolia Pointe.
I don't care what type of
shape Twin Pines is in.
We know that for a fact.
We have more integrity
in one blade of grass
than you've got in that
whole generic piece of shit
club of yours.
Well, let's put up a little wager.
Let's put up our clubs.
You'd put your club up
in a bet against me?
This is childish.
Name the terms.
Oh simple.
My club against your club.
Winner take all.
Bet your life.
You bet yours.
Charlie!
Oh, you faker, look at this.
He's trying to back out the bet.
Someone call an ambulance!
I think is having a heart attack.
I'll see you at work, Sarah.
It's okay.
(ambulance siren wailing)
Hey, can you grab me a bottle of whiskey?
Nope, but I'll have something
better for you on the ride.
My man.
He was just talking to someone
and then he grabbed at his chest
and I've seen a heart
attack before, so yeah.
Well thank you, ma'am.
Would you like to ride with your husband?
I'll meet him there later.
He should be okay.
Good thing he has you.
(ambulance door thuds)
(ambulance sirens wailing)
Good morning, Charles, I'm Dr. Lloyd.
How you feeling buddy?
I've been better.
Well, you're pretty lucky that your friend
knew what was going on,
because you have suffered
a mild heart attack.
Yeah, I've been lucky
doc and this ain't it.
How many drinks a week
would you say you consume?
Not that many.
Well, according to your chart,
your blood alcohol level is
currently 0.21, that's high.
Is it?
That's after eight hours.
Yeah, that's a little bit high.
So we'd really like to
keep you one more night,
send you to the cath lab in the
morning and run a few tests.
What do you think?
Yeah, sure.
But Charles I highly
recommend some extreme
lifestyle changes.
Okay, so what are we talking about?
Get sober.
That's a little drastic.
I'll be back in a couple
hours of check on you, buddy.
All right.
Dammit, Conroy.
Enough, just talk to me.
All right.
Well, if you don't get well soon,
you're gonna lose everything you have.
Also, Nick's looking for a job.
Jake's actually really good for the place.
And he likes it here.
Do they know about me yet?
Yeah, they wanna come see you.
No and don't tell anyone else.
If I'm gonna play in the
Dixie, I'm gonna get-
Well, if you wanna plan the Dixie,
do you think you should?
Yeah.
But Conroy, you just-
Dammit Fred, I should be dead right now
and the only person that has
come to see me is my bartender.
Where all the friends I used to have?
What friends?
I don't fucking know.
I got no one.
My dad built Twin Pines
and I can't lose it.
Don't worry about the club, okay.
We'll figure all that out.
When do we get you back then?
They'll let me out tomorrow.
Did you bring my phone?
Of course.
You're gonna look at
porn in this, aren't you?
Yes.
Get well, Conroy.
Grandma goes wild... hmmm.
(quirky music plays)
(door thuds)
(golf cart whirring)
Oh morning buddy.
Everything's great.
That's close.
Okay.
Complimentary club day.
Hey, what are you doing?
Have a good round.
Hey, listen, we need to find
a replacement for Conroy
in the tournament.
We need to fix your putt.
No, we don't need to
fix, my putt's good man.
Well we do, we need to
drink the juice too.
The cactus juice.
I'm not drinking the juice.
Conroy just had a heart attack.
We gotta drink the cactus, Jakey Bear!
Just get in the cart,
you're freaking people out.
I'm not drinking the cactus, man.
We're not doing hallucinogenics.
Channel your energy into fixing your hip
and to healing Conroy's heart.
We'll figure it out, just get outta here.
Sorry dude, I think
you pretty much got it.
Nothing I can really
tell you about putting.
You just gotta aim for the hole!
You were doing it, just continue to do it!
(tribal music)
(golf cart whirring)
Hola brother, Jake.
How's it going Eejo?
Pacha-mama welcomes you here today.
I bet she does, what is this?
This is Twin Pine source
of spiritual energy, Jake.
It's also a very viable source
of supplementary income.
Formally the 10th fairway.
What do you mean supplementary income?
Oh, we sell them on the internet.
It's a house plant.
Oh my God, seriously?
Yeah.
Myself and Eejo will be back shortly.
Reset your mind.
Put into focus what you'd
like to work on today.
I was working on my putt, I thought.
Okay, that's exactly what we're doing.
Except we're going to
be doing it with your...
My hat.
Your...
Oh, my memory.
Your ma...
Mom.
Not your mom, no, your m- mi-
Oh my mind?
Mind.
Oh fuck.
Yeah, sure.
Why didn't you just say that?
I don't know.
But we'll see you soon.
Fuck.
Oh man.
Is this like a whole weird thing?
I'm not gonna do a whole weird thing.
I don't wanna be culturally insensitive.
Friends today, we connect
with the ancient ones.
Not by looking up, but by looking in.
We will be extracting our
past and healing our present.
One thing we must remember
in is that there is no past,
there is no future.
There is only now.
Now is forever, and now is never.
Jake, you're experiencing
some blockage in your hip.
Your right hip.
This is my right hip.
A fear of moving forward.
You're exactly right.
Something or someone is preventing
Jake from moving forward.
We will be awake today, Jake
and perhaps the ancient
ones will be able to channel
even more energy through your hickey.
I don't have a hickey.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Drink this medicina for it as a gift
from the pacha-mama.
Oh man.
I thought it was gonna be good.
It's foolish to think that. Hickeyawaiku.
Hondacord. Veolvo.
Okay.
What now?
Now we wait.
Feel free to wander
about with your thoughts
and your feelings.
Let go. Hickeyawaiku.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Veolvo.
Hickeyawaiku. Hickeyawaiku.
Neesonn.
Altima.
The ceremony has begun.
Here, have another.
(tribal music)
What the hell?
Idiots.
What did it say?
Wow!
Sir.
What's up?
That cart just blew past
me like a bat outta hell.
He must have been doing 50 miles power.
Don't you have any regulations?
No, sir.
Here at Twin Pines, you can
drive as fast as you like.
And I personally took the governor
off each and every one of these carts
so you can knock out 18
holes in less than two hours.
Hell, our sales grew up 33%.
You have a nice day.
Cocktail?
I don't think so.
This place is a joke, daddy.
(golf cart whirs)
(folk music)
[Gary] Is this a parking lot or a pasture?
Come on.
[Adrian] Looks like Coachella.
Hey, what is that?
A pro shop?
I think so.
Hey dad, it's a pro shop.
Can we get two tickets
for golf please?
[Gary] Who would actually
pay to come here?
[Adrian] I feel like I'm gonna get robbed.
[Jarvis] I've never seen anything like it.
Is that a fucking crater?
(Adrian laughs)
Where are we?
I don't know.
[Jarvis] This place is pathetic.
It's terrible.
What a joke.
[Thomas] What the hell is this?
How do we get across?
I don't know.
[Adrian] Maybe we can
screen from the trees.
[Thomas] This is so shitty,
I feel bad for the tractor.
[Gary] I can't wait to watch them fail.
[Adrian] You losers.
Oh my God.
(Jake sighs)
Golf isn't the problem.
Feeling okay, buddy?
I need to find Brandy.
Hey, honeysuckle brother.
I'm telling you, bro.
I was like a lion dude all night, bro.
Just pounding ass.
Oh yeah, what was his name?
I'm not gay, brother.
You are gay, dude.
I'm pansexual.
What does that mean?
Like you have sex with cookware?
Ah, really, you thought I'd
fall for that again, dude?
What?
Hey, hey, get this on video.
Let's see if Sir Hissyfit
likes a fat in his face.
Shainski, that's not Sir Hissyfit.
What?
(Shane screams)
Shainski, no.
What do I have to do bro?
What do I do?
Oh dude, you have to suck the poison out.
What?
Suck it bro, I'm gonna die.
(golf cart whirring)
Suck my butt, dude.
Suck my butt.
Help, snake bite, snake bite.
Listen, dude, if you love
me, you'll do it bro.
Please, please suck my butt.
Suck my butt.
Oh that's what's up?
Yeah.
Fuck yeah, brother.
Oh baby.
Oh my God, yes.
Hey bro, I will never
ever forget this dude.
[Mikels] You better forget this!
Don't stop dude, don't stop!
Oh, I fucking love you, dude.
Oh my God.
Wrong way buddy.
Huh?
Wrong way, buddy.
Let's get you back to the
clubhouse for some soup.
It's time for integration.
(golf cart whirring)
Shit, mi familia!
What are you doin-
Oops, sorry.
You see my penis?
Mr. Boyd, you are breaking into a million
tiny pieces right now.
It rules.
Well, don't you fit in here just fine.
I think so, I like it.
And Nick says there's soup.
It's super!
No thank you.
No?
Okay, soup yourself.
Wait till my sister finds out about this.
You loser!
(both laugh)
Oh, fuck, Brandy.
I think I got it all bro.
I love you, bro.
I fucking love you, bro.
You saved my life.
Bitch, you saved my life!
This snake's not poisonous.
What?
It's not poisonous.
I mean the bite might hurt a
little bit, but you'll be fine.
You're gonna fucking die, bro!
(man grunting)
(rock music)
[Nick] Jake, great work today, man.
Real breakthrough.
And I know, I know, I know.
You can't wait for tomorrow's ceremony.
We'll do this again.
[Jake] No, I'm never
doing this again, man.
[Nick] Oh-okie dokie,
you get some good sleep.
Yeah, goodnight.
All right, cheers.
(car engine revving)
Gummy bear, you home?
Brandy.
Brandy.
Hey, can we talk?
Did you quit, baby?
Oh no, no I can't.
I'm going to sleep.
No, wait, no.
We need to talk about college.
No, why?
Because I had an epiphany.
You know, you've been blaming
golf for all of our problems.
It's not golf.
What do you mean?
Why?
It's me, it's always been me.
I fucked up.
I cheated on you, Brandy.
Fuck, how can you trust me?
I don't deserve you.
I'm stupid.
What is wrong with you?
Are you on drugs?
No.
Am I on drugs?
Yeah, yeah, a little bit,
but it's just like a cactus.
It's not what you think.
It's a cactus and you chop
it up and you boil it.
And you have to sit in a tent
and you have to drink this.
And when you wake up,
everything is a million pieces
and then you...
What were we talking about?
You're just saying all this
'cause you're fucked up.
No, it's not.
I'm not fucked up, I was.
You should have seen me before.
This is all happening again
because of golf, Jake.
No, it's not because of golf.
I realized the problem this time, it's me.
I fucked up, but I understand it now.
Just get the fuck out.
What?
Don't come back.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Just get the fuck out.
(instrumental music)
[Rodney] Hey there, you Conroy?
Yeah, Rodney?
Yeah, that's me.
Come on in.
How you doing today, where are we headed?
Straight to hell, my man.
But drop me off the Twin Pines first.
You got it, need to pick
up some weed anyway.
(instrumental music)
Oh, I gotta take a shit.
Hey, are you okay?
Yeah Ms. Gladys, never better.
I feel like a million bucks.
Beer?
I really shouldn't.
Okay fella.
Charlie Conroy, you are cut off.
I was seriously just getting ready
to give that back to her.
Gladys, do you want this?
Knock yourself out.
Inside, now.
They're coming, they're coming.
[Everyone] Surprise!!
(dance muscic)
We did it, we did it!
We did it.
Oh, welcome back chief.
Great job not dying.
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with you?
We waited so long for you so long.
Okay, let's get this party started.
Go ahead Fred, load us up.
He doesn't drink anymore,
he just got out of the hospital, Nick.
Actually, Nick, I can't.
The doctor says I need to give
the ticker time to catch up.
I have to stay away from booze for a bit.
Great story bro.
Here you go.
No, no, I can't.
Here's to the boss.
Long with the chief.
[All] Long live the chief.
Hey, back to work, everyone.
Let's go back to work.
We did it, we got him!
We got him good.
Let's get an inventory.
Catch me up on the state of the club.
The golf club is
operating marginally, sir,
with as many underpaid and
under-qualified employees
as this mediocre town can
provide within budget, of course.
Like I said, this machine is
pretty much running itself,
I can say proudly.
The bar is fully stocked as usual.
But since you're absence,
we actually have a surplus.
Yeah, Eejo just finished
all the new signage
and all the greens and
fairways are in top condition.
That's obviously, that's not true,
but seems like you need good news.
Great work.
Now let's talk tournament.
How's everybody looking,
everybody playing okay?
You're not playing.
What do you mean?
You just got outta the
hospital, you are not playing.
Yeah, man, everyone knows
about the heart attack.
Also the bet, everyone
knows about the bet.
That was ill advised.
Look, I need to go
practice so that you all
can keep your jobs.
I need a tee time.
Oh, yes sir.
Dogleg, we got a tee
time for boss man step.
[Dogleg] We're all clear,
there's no one here today.
Oh, okay, thank you so much.
Conroy, you're not playing.
Not listening to you and
we will reconvene later.
Does anyone listen to me around here?
He's acting strange, no?
Maybe he had like a
bad dream or something.
Yeah, yeah.
(somber music)
(duck cooing)
(Conroy groaning)
Dude, are you trying to kill me.
Are you worried about
that bet with Jarvis?
You've been looking at other jobs?
Right.
I told Fred that to motivate you, man.
Hell, if I had kids, them and their kids
would owe you for my bar tab.
You kidding?
Twin Pines is losing steam though.
With that attitude.
Well, I just don't know
where we went wrong.
Me neither.
Is there anyone at this club
that knows how to play golf?
I mean, you've seen all we got.
Shainski might jump in for you.
Okay.
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Probably lose the bet.
This is good for the heart, right?
(Conroy plays guitar)
Well, I don't understand
what God's done to me.
'cause I'm short in the
britches and long off the tee...
I've hit every fairway
since I've been alive...
But Jesus won't give me no sexual drive.
Well I've got lots of balls
and I'm always in clubs.
And I've hooked up with skinnies
and crazies and chubs...
I've dated some ladies
that were awful fun...
But I ain't never got to the hole-in-one.
(club music)
What the fuck are we gonna do about Shane?
Yeah, that was pretty bad.
How you doing?
Hello sir.
Come on here, let's grab a seat.
You want a drink or something?
Yeah!
Okay, so you're bit all
over the place out there
and we really need to win this tournament
otherwise we're history.
Tournament?
Right.
[Fred] Everyone, I'd like
to introduce you to Khalil,
our newest member and scratch golfer.
Is he now? Would you maybe
be interested in playing
in this little tournament
we got coming up?
We got an extra spot and
sure wanna beat the shit
out of Magnolia Pointe.
Fuck yeah man.
Yes.
I like your enthusiasm.
Really?
Oh yeah.
That's fucking- 10 seconds ago,
we were just talking
about how screwed we were.
Hell yeah, dude.
There we go, dream team, done.
Well, as my dad used to say,
a birdie marks anything of
excellence, and you guys,
y'all are my birdies.
Right, since we aren't drinking.
Cheers to that.
Oh cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers to that.
Yeah, cheers bro.
Welcome!
All right, let's fucking get to work.
[Fred] Get to work.
Let's go with these guys.
We're gonna kick their ass.
(upbeat music)
(golf club bangs)
Cheers, cheers.
Okie, dokie, all right, Nick.
Right, right, right.
(golf club bangs)
(golf ball whistles)
(dramatic music)
[Marvin Gleeman] Cardinals
chirping in the Pines.
Wind whisping through the Bermuda grass.
Alligators nipping at our heels.
It's that time of year again, folks.
[Lucy Overwood] Welcome
to the 30th annual,
Dixie invitational captain's
choice golf tournament
on this beautiful day at
Twin Pines golf course.
Is that local news?
Yeah, Jarvis is trying to
make a big deal out of this.
Marvin Gleeman.
Marvin!
I did blow with him once.
[Dogleg] Just once?
So many times.
[Marvin] Welcome to
another Dixie invitational
at Twin Pines.
Today, the big focus is Adrian Boyd,
the five times champion team captain
and on the other end, Jake Baxter,
Charlie Conroy's new club
pro here at Twin Pines.
Now we hear-
[Pop] Oh shit.
[Marvin] A slight rivalry
brewing between these two clubs.
What are Jake Baxter's chances, John,
and what does his competition
look like this year?
[John Ingersall] These
guys from Twin Pines
who are calling themselves The Birdies
will make anything but that.
And they have as much chance
as a preacher's daughter
in Vegas.
- Well, strong words, John, strong words.
But that's right.
But Baxter had a promising future
before he mysteriously
vanished from the landscape
of amateur golf amids personal
troubles over 10 years ago.
Today he looks for redemption as he plays
against his former teammate, Adrian Boyd,
the tenured pro from Magnolia Pointe.
- That's right and they
have a surprise entrant.
International legend, the
pro golfer, John Nightly.
- Whoa.
[John Nightly] Baby, what
do you want from a man?!
His great aunt was a
member of Magnolia Pointe,
did you know that?
- I did not know that.
- Come on, Boyd, we got this.
Not today, bitch.
Oh I can't wait to hit this!
Ooh, shimmy, shimmy.
So you can't play now.
Just playing by your rules.
[Nightly] Oh, whoopsie.
Hi.
Hello.
How are things?
Not here.
Whoo! Smashed potatoes!
- [Marvin] And that's the first
shot at the Dixie Classic,
the tournament of marginal playing,
and culturally insensitive verbiage.
All right!
[Ingersall] That's right next up,
we have captain Adrian Boyd
for team protein from Magnolia Pointe.
Are these guys for real?
- Look, I don't know anything
about these fucking hicks.
So just stick to the
script, you Irish twat.
[Marvin] Adrian Boyd.
This douchebag has never seen
a real day of work in his life
and his hands.
Well, they are softer
than a newborn's ass.
Let's see what he does.
Whoa, what a shot and
we are underway folks.
HADOUKEN!
- Oh God, that's gross.
Pretty dumb.
(intense music)
[Nightly] That was a send!
(audience cheering)
[Marvin] Next up is
Baxter and team Birdies.
That'll work.
Kah-fucking-PING!
Shit.
(water sloshing)
(audience applauding)
Captain's choice.
Which ball will you
choose, Captain Baxter?
I think we'll be using my ball, sir.
(music intensifies)
Too easy, baby.
Yes, sir.
There she is.
(audience applauding)
This one's going down the pipe.
[Nightly] Party boy!
[Marvin] Oh, John Nightly
shows us his famous beer shower
celebration.
I am the best golfer ever!
[Marvin] Now for the birdies.
[Adrian] Oh my God.
I fucking love you guys.
[Marvin] Baxter up first.
(cheers) Hey, yeah.
[Gary] Is this a joke?
Oh my God, I hate poor people.
[Marvin] Now at the tee, Nick Hayes.
Whoa.
(audience applauding)
Sweet.
[Marvin] Next up, Emily Calhoun.
[Gary] Ooh, I'm a girl!
I might ask her out later.
And last up, Khalil Al-Asmari,
the newest member of Twin Pines.
[Ingersall This guy's
got all types of talent.
[Marvin] The late
edition from team Birdies
is really lighting it up.
Where did he come from?
Who is this guy?
(audience applauding)
Twin Pines is so lucky to have this guy.
[Marvin] Captain Protein rips another one.
(regurgitates)
Oh, that's unfortunate.
Tell you what Marv, John
lightly does not look well.
No, he does not.
About time.
I need some coke!
Huh, he's fine.
(audience applauding)
[Man] What'd you use bro?
(audience applauding)
Well, well, well, look who showed up.
You are not off the hook.
Dammit, seriously.
But I love you Jake Baxter
no matter what you do.
Now go kick this prick's ass.
My girl.
Daughter.
Daddy.
[Marvin] We are tied up
folks! Onto the back nine.
- Oh my God, that made my dick hard.
Yeah, I'll stick with it.
I'm gonna stick with this golf thing.
Oh my gosh, you missed.
(audience cheering)
[Marvin] That's a Birdie for
Emily Calhoun of Team Birdies.
[Ingersall] Showing us their
namesake in more than one way.
An eagle for team Protein.
Yeah boy!
(cheers)
- Woo.
- Nice.
(golf club bangs)
We're on the last whole game.
Team protein needs
something big happen here.
There are one back from a playoff.
Here we go.
[Gary] Roper.
There you go.
It's actually better than I thought.
Jesus, you're worse than Thomas!
(golf club bangs)
In certain circles,
that's a really good shot.
[Marvin] Twin Pines needs just par to win
and they're putting for Birdie.
They've got to make this shot to win.
Holy shit folks.
They're blowing it.
[Ingersall] I can't believe
this, Magnolia Pointe
is still in this match.
[Adrian] You putt like a girl.
[Jake] It's all right.
[Marvin] Unbelievable, meltdown
from these unpredictable
Birdies from Twin Pines.
If they can't make it,
they lose, or we gotta tie
and go into a three
hole, one-on-one playoff.
[Ingersall] Baxter wants this one.
In the hole!
We gotta tie folks.
[Marvin] We go into a three
hole playoff, winner take all.
The team captains must play head, head,
individual match play to break the tie.
That's good because John
Nightly is disqualified
as he has passed out on hole 16
and weirdly nobody is
paying any attention.
Just another day on
the course for Nightly.
Magnolia Pointe is away,
so Boyd will tee off first.
HADOUKEN.
Fuck.
(birds chirping)
Baxter for eagle.
You know what to do Jakey Bear.
Oh my God.
Not only are you a part of this universe,
but you are the universe.
For sure, thanks dude.
You are that tiny little white ball.
Nick, I'm trying to focus here, man.
You're that tiny little
white ball that happens
to have a big fat hickey on your neck.
I don't have a fucking hickey,
just get outta here, dude.
Good luck.
So annoying.
Mark it.
[Ingersall] Big mistake and a
disappointment for that Eagle.
You know what to do Adrian-
Fuck bro.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that.
And Boyd makes the putt in the hole.
Whoa baby.
Yet another Birdie.
Big missed opportunity.
Baxter still manages to be
one under in the playoffs.
One under for Boyd and
Baxter and on to the next.
How do my calves look?
Always beautiful, you know that?
[Nick] Yes sir.
HADOUKEN!
(audience applauding)
(laughs) From earlier.
It's fine, I don't mind a shorter walk.
Did you dye your hair more blonde?
What?
Did you dye your hair more blonde?
This is fucking natural.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.
[Marvin] And Boyd makes the putt.
(audience cheering)
It's in the hole.
On to the next.
Birdie, Birdie.
Yessir!
[Marvin] We're on the final hole, people.
This is a 300 yard par four.
And I believe both these
gentlemen are capable
of getting it near the green,
but it will take a lot of club, John.
And even more balls, Marvin.
Yes, John.
It will take big, huge testicles.
Boyd with an amazing drive.
This is my storybook ending.
This is my storybook ending!
[Ingersall] And some
inappropriate gestures
being exchanged folks.
So if you have any kids
that are watching at home,
you should really rethink your parenting
and grab a Swinger Lite.
Long day on the links?
Pound a Swinger.
We love Swinger.
That's right, John.
Speaking of Swinger, Adrian
Boyd could still swing himself
into a birdie if he can get on the green
with his next shot.
Or Baxter's short game
could fail him once again.
That's possible.
It's the perfect hole?
We are the Birdies...
[Nick Whispers] Birdies, birdies
[Team Birdies] Birdies, birdies, birdies
Birdies, birdies, birdies!
Here we go.
[All] Birdies. Birdies!
There we go.
Let's go!
Louder!
[Team Birdies] Birdies, birdies, birdies.
Birdies, baby!
BIRDIES FOREVER!
I am Jake fucking Baxter and I am BACK!
Wooohooo!
Nick, hand me that motherfucking two-
That's exactly what I wanted.
How'd you know?
(Nick laughs)
Win or lose, that's cool
that you know I was gonna...
That's pretty cool.
[Nick] Right right, we're- yeah!
Here we go.
[Marvin] It's a beautiful shot.
That is a sniper shot,
the best I've ever seen.
[Pop] Damn it's a SNIPER SHOT!
[Marvin] Could this even be possible?
Has anyone ever?
It's a hole in ONE
I can't believe it!
Jake Baxter just aced a par four!
He need a Birdie but he got an albatross.
[Pop] Yeah, my boy!
[Marvin] Adrian Boyd is out of this match!
(people cheering)
Oh my God.
(people cheering)
Well, so I guess I work for you now.
Partners?
Something like that.
I think you should probably kiss me now.
Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
Conroy, that was the fu-
Oh my God, did not know
you guys are about to kiss.
I am so sorry.
Dude, I am so sorry.
We weren't about to kiss, we were kissing.
Thry were kissing.
I'll let it slide.
I've never seen anything like that, Jake.
You saved my ass.
Yeah, I kinda did, didn't I?
It's the best job I ever, dude.
Anything you want, you got it.
You're home now.
You hear me, the both of you.
Appreciate that, thank you Conroy.
I guess I'll have my attorney
start to make arrangements.
You got my number, I'll
expect keys in two weeks.
I'm gonna call the motel,
have 'em save our favorite suite.
Not here, later, later.
All right, yeah.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving, Mr. Boyd.
We don't have to talk about any of this.
Adrian.
Look, man, I still don't like you
but, goddammit.
You respect me?
No, I realized soon as I said that,
it sounded like I was gonna say respect.
It was not, it's more like,
I think you're a good golfer.
(birds chirping)
Well, looks like you got a new club, boss.
Yeah, don't get too excited.
I might fuck it up.
I'm not gonna!
White people.
So, when are we gonna work
on my putting game, huh?
Oh, putting is not my department.
I would defer to my short
game professor, Nick.
He'll take it from here.
Won't you follow me, Ms. Gladys.
His putting sucks the ass.
I'm working on it.
Yeah okay.
What the hell are we
gonna do about these guys?
They can sleep it off.
Yeah, I feel like we should
call the greens keepers.
I feel like you're probably right.
Hey greens, we could use a
clean up at the driving range.
Got three naked dudes laying here.
Copy clubhouse, Adrian is on his way.
If you guys are talking
about my dad again,
you can screw off!
He's happy.
Thank you very much.
Do me a favor, when you're
done fixing that boys,
come up here and fix this for me.
Fix what?
(golf cart buzzing)
Hey what'd I miss?
Oh, just another day at
Twin Pines, you know.
I tell you what, I'm thirsty.
I'll take a water 'cause I'm pregnant.
Well, I mean we're pregnant.
She's pregnant.
Well, this round's on me.
Thanks so much.
Yeah.
To Twin Pines, may the
tradition continue to continue.
- [All] Twin Pines.