Biswa Kalyan Rath: Biswa Mast Aadmi (2017) Movie Script
Hi!
This is Biswa.
The cool dude, Biswa.
People would often ask him...
How much wood would a wood chuck
chuck a wood chuck could chuck wood?
The answer is...
All of it.
Help? Who needs help?
People who need help
are nothing but losers.
You need only yourself
to organise your show!
Because he is...
Light guy,
sound guy,
sex guy,
press guy,
DJ guy,
spot guy,
mosquito guy,
producer guy,
boom guy,
this boom guy,
walky guy,
fan guy,
fire guy,
fire extinguisher guy,
make-up guy,
watchman guy,
cameraman guy,
Shaktiman guy.
Ladies, gentlemen...
a huge round of applause
for Biswa Kalyan Rath.
audience cheering
Hello! Hi!
audience cheering
I know, I know, it sounds like...
It looks like it's a big deal.
Its fucking not...
Its not a big deal.
When I upload the video,
first comment, Good video,
but when is the next one coming?
The future of this nation is bleak.
At a wedding,
Nice husband but when is the baby due?
This exercise is pointless.
I know they made an announcement.
They said,
Dont go to the toilet,
even if you have to shit."
I agree, just shit right here.
On the chair.
Unzip your pants and
go in the open.
No tension.
It will look awesome.
Biswa cracks a joke,
cut to audience.
People are laughing except
two people are shitting.
Laughing and shitting at the same time.
One male, one female. Feminist.
Its that kind of a show.
Let's start the show.
Let's start the show.
I went into to a shop and asked,
Bro, do you have Tic Tac?
He said, "I have no Tic Tac,
but do you want a Kit Kat?
I said, Dont try this tactic.
He said, Why are you getting angry?
Is everything alright at home?
The end.
Thats a great story.
A beginning, middle, end.
Some stories dont have endings.
In old stories they would
do weird things to end a story.
Have you heard the old stories?
In old, mythological stories,
a character would transform
into a different character.
A frog will explode into a prince.
I haven't seen it,
but maybe it happens!
Lets believe it.
Anything... Brahmin transforms into God.
Someone will explode and
turn into a demon or a sage.
In Mahabharata or Ramayana
if I see a bird, I dont trust it.
If a bird enters the scene,
I am certain it will explode.
Bird tries to act convincingly.
"Wow! What a bird! Look at my wings.
Cukoocukoo!"
"Heres my front profile,
my side profile, my side profile."
I am like this is not a bird.
Damn, where were you
till the seventeenth chapter?
But the characters in
the story are blind to this.
Whenever they see a bird,
Oh! A fat bird.
Let's kill it and make a biryani.
The moment they shoot the bird,
God erupts and says,
Surprise test! You have failed.
Many characters pop up.
Soldier explodes into God.
Somebody explodes into a demon...
But I will tell you
real stories from my life.
Not mythology or old ones...
Because I am new.
Didnt see that mother
fucking punch line coming?
I thought it was a sentence,
but a punchline!
The first story. Is about me
trying to be cool in sixth standard.
Everything was fine at
school till in sixth standard
somebody figured out that
we can create our own signatures.
Now in general signature
is a unique identifier.
In my school, signature
was a status symbol.
Cooler the signature, cooler you are.
Manojs signature was
the same forward and backward.
He was super cool.
He used to eat others
tiffin during recess.
Students would ask,
Why are you eating from our tiffin?
Did you see my signature?
- Wow! Eat. Eat everything.
Krishna changed the dot above I
into a heart and a star in his signature...
The next you know he has a girlfriend.
Wow! Krishna so sensitive.
I decided even I need to be cool.
I made a signature. My name
is Biswa Kalyan Rath. I signed as BKR.
Two guys came running and
changed it into <i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.
Within two minutes
and then they danced.
<i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari
Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.
I realised this signature wont work.
I need a cool signature.
I was looking for an inspiration.
One day I saw my papas signature.
Papa signed and got money.
I wanted his signature.
So I forged my dads signature.
Dot to dot.
My name is Biswa Kalyan Rath,
my signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.
I showed it to my
friends in the classroom.
Everyone liked it.
So they started practicing
my dads signature in their notebooks.
Everyones signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.
Everyone were practicing
Jagan Mohan Rath in their books.
Madam wrote a note,
"Your child is not doing his homework."
Its okay, Jagan Mohan Rath.
Madam asked,
Who is this Jagan Mohan Rath?
How come everyone has the same father?"
Madam called my Papa.
Hello!
[Papa] Yes. Jagan Mohan Rath.
[Madam] Your son is up to something.
[Papa] I will look into it.
That day when I came home.
Papa was waiting at the door,
in position.
I thought, 'Oh bad news!'
I tried to escape him.
But he caught me by my hair.
He said, Show me your rough notebook.
I gave him my notebook.
He scanned the first few
pages but couldnt find anything.
I said, 'Oh!
The deception has worked.'
Then he scanned the last pages.
I was caught red handed.
CIA has hacked my computer.
I had scribbled my heart out there.
No one had ever given me a personal diary.
So I used to write
everything in that notebook.
It was filled with my fathers signature
Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
I love Snigdha.
Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
Penis. Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
Vagina. Jagan Mohan Rath...
I also made an illustration
of a penis and vagina.
I made a small stick figure
with a small line depicting a penis.
And a stick figure with boobs for vagina.
Because I couldnt figure out
how to draw a stick figure of vagina.
Kid is horny with hormones
but has no artistic integrity.
Yeah...
These great artworks were signed by
the artist, Jagan Mohan Rath.
My father saw it and gave me
the thrashing of my life.
WWE is nothing compared to the
thrashing a middle class father can give.
John Cena says, You cant see me.
My father, I can see you.
You will go flying with one slap...
John Cena will run away.
My father was Sivamani
and I his drums.
He bashed me up real good.
Slapped me from every possible angle.
My father has two hands...
But I could feel the bashing of three.
Thats how quantum my father is.
I was being whacked...
He has caught me,
and pinned me to the floor,
giving me the bashing of my life.
I asked him, Where do you think Ill run off
in your one BHK apartment?
Have got me pinned me here!?"
My innocent brother who is four,
was passing by singing.
<i>"Captain Planet! He is the hero.
Extinguisher of pollution...</i>"
Slap.
Captain Jagan Mohan in the house.
Both of us got thrashed
and were lying on the floor.
Papa said, Dont forge my signature.
I asked why?
He said, Its a federal offence.
I told him I dont understand.
Send me to an English medium school.
So he translated it for me.
God is watching everything.
Now this was a very
low budget translation.
This is Google translator in 1995.
Papa said, God is watching everything.
I thought, Oh God!
If papa is right.
If God is really watching everything...
Then I'm in serious trouble.
Forging signatures is only
one of the crimes that the child commits.
This kid has a dark side...
God must be having a tough time.'
So I thought let me ask papa,
if God is watching everything or not?
From where is God watching?
As soon as papa gauged
the logic in my eyes,
he quickly applied his and said,
I am getting late for work.
I am going.
Papa went. I was lying on the floor.
My curiosity was left unanswered
and then the tables turned.
We were out of gas at home.
Ma had called for the gas cylinder.
The delivery guy arrived.
He said, Madam please
sign and take the delivery.
Ma signed, but he said,
No no, Jagan Mohan Rath.
I smiled.
The valuation of my
start up just increased.
Jagan Mohan Raths demand
has increased in the market.
Let me sell it right away for $3 million.
I stood up and walked around.
Ma asked me to sign.
I said, No ma.
Must act pricy.
God is watching everything.
So ma did what every mother does.
She called my father.
She said, Hello! Talk to your son.
Talk to your father.
I said, 'Thanks for the introduction, ma.'
Hello papa, looks like you
need a real man to solve your problem.
Papa said, Sign it.
I said, Papa,
God is watching everything.
Papa said, There is no God.
It was just a statement.
Just a statement?
You gave me the thrashing of my life
and now youre saying,
its just a statement?
Say sorry.
Papa said, I will not apologise.
I said, Ma, talk to your husband.
Papa, talk to your wife.
Thanks for the introduction.
Ma said, Just tell him you are sorry.
Papa wouldnt listen.
Ma then dropped the nuclear bomb,
I have spoilt my whole
life by marrying you.
I am not your maid.
Everyone is a gambling
addict in your family.
Papa, Sorry.
The tyranny of the father
has ended and the sons begun.
Since then he has never
looked me in the eye.
Now the son is an alpha
and the father is a toddler.
Full on.
Then I forged dads signature
on all his property papers and robbed him.
Today I have a house,
a car, a bungalow and ma too.
All Papa is left with is regrets.
Thats the Bollywood ending of that story.
Where in the end everything gets alright.
The actual ending is...
I said, Hello Papa.
Papa said, "Sign it."
I said, God is...
Papa said, I will slap you.
A ten year old boy had
to choose between a slap and God.
Tough choice. I did a risk analysis.
A slap hurts, I know this.
But God I dont know.
The possibility of getting
slapped was two hundred percent.
I know this.
God, fifty-fifty.
And overall I can prove
that a slap exists.
So I went and signed, Jagan Mohan Rath.
As soon as I signed the paper,
the delivery guy exploded
and God appeared.
He said, Surprise test. You failed.
Obviously thats also not the real ending.
The real ending is, one day
the delivery guy came and said,
Madam please sign here.
Ma signed and he said, "Okay."
And he left.
Thats the fucking ending.
Nothing happened.
I was just daydreaming.
Oh! Had this really happened,
I wouldve robbed all of dads property.
But I lied and made this story up.
In half of the cities I havent
narrated the last ending.
The audience still thinks I am cool.
They think I actually robbed
my fathers property.
Theyll know when they watch
Amazon Prime Video, Oh! He fooled us.
But the quest of being cool never ends.
So I went to college.
What do we do in college?
Papa provided us with food and home.
We just have to become cool.
That is what I want to do in life.
The second story is about college.
'Rock band' is when four good musicians
come together to make great music.
The opposite of that is college rock band.
When four horrible musicians come
together to create embarrassing memories.
I am telling you this because
I was obviously part of a rock band.
Ill introduce you to the members.
First member, his name was Joseph.
He wanted four things in life,
weed, guitar, himself and
him playing guitar on weed.
That's all he likes.
You say hi, he'll respond with
six hours of non-stop guitar.
Hes going crazy strumming.
The second member, his name was Kamlesh.
Kamlesh was a little sad in life.
Because he had a break up,
eight years ago!
He kept on attempting suicide.
Every week he used to drink Dettol
and attempt suicide.
He wouldnt die but sing really well
once he got up.
Because ninety nine percent of the germs
in his throat had died.
I know nobody has tried this.
People drink honey and germs thrive.
Kamlesh drinks Dettol and germs die.
The entire lineage of germs is wiped out.
Udit Narayan sings <i>Sa</i>,
germs sing <i>Re Ga Re Ga</i>.
Kamlesh has killed all the germs.
When he sings, no germs interfere.
He was odd,
he believed that if one includes
<i>Sa Re Ga Pa</i> in a song,
it becomes classical music.
<i>Ab toh aadat Sa Sa.</i>
He thought he was Rahat Fateh Ali Khan.
Third character, his name is Ghosh.
Ghosh was our drummer,
but actually he was a tabla player.
Because lets face it,
India is a developing country.
No father is that cool
to buy a drum kit for his kid.
If you go to a country, somebodys playing drums
and he is a teenager...
Its a developed country.
Here there are no drum kits at home.
Its only on TV that you see
a child playing drums.
Papa, I also want...
SLAP.
I am Sivamani. Youre a kid.
This is what happens.
And the final character is me.
I used to play bass.
Bass if you dont know, good.
Bass is the intern of the band.
If a guitarist had three hands
then there was no need for a bassist.
Bass is a very lonely instrument.
I have five fingers but
bass has only four strings.
Please do not use full potential.
Do not respect me.
I dont know. I dont blame you
if you dont know what bass is.
Because when I was young,
I didnt know what a guitar was
until I saw Salman Khan
play guitar to <i>O O Jaane Jaana.</i>
Then I knew. Because Salman
Khan brought a bike on stage.
Stage was on a beach.
I have seen a lot of beaches.
But I never saw
a stage on a beach.
I have seen a lot of stages.
But I never saw a bike on them.
Salman Khan was playing an
acoustic tune on an electric guitar.
Then he threw that guitar.
And it was still playing.
Ting ting... Threw it.
Ting ting...
At no point in the performance
is the guitar connected to anything.
In 1996, he had a Bluetooth guitar.
Everyones happy.
Everyones dancing.
Ting ting...
I went crazy after seeing it.
I went running to my
papa and said, Papa.
He said, Yes.
I said, 'I am a creative man,
I want to be a guitarist.'
And my dad told me what
his dad told him and I quote.
My dad said, NO!
Because thats what most of parenting is.
You just have to keep saying no.
Your kids will never ask
questions whose answer is yes.
Hell not ask, Papa, can I die
in the freedom struggle?
Never.
Every time.
Papa I ate cow dung for two hours
can I eat shit too?
No.
But papa this is my dream.
Yes but you are a creative man. Right?
Yes.
Then dream of something else.
This Jagan Mohan is smart.
But which dream can make me cool, papa?
Tell me please.
Papa said, Do one thing,
become an IITian.
I asked, IITian? Is it cool?
Papa said, Yes
I said, Well I dont
know any other adults.
So I will go with your word.
For ten years I slogged and finally
got admission in IIT Kharagpur.
On the first day I declared
to everyone at IIT Kharagpur,
Excuse me!
I am cool because I am IITian.
They said, Fucking idiot!
Everyone here is an IITian.
I was like, Oh fuck!
I always knew there was a loophole
in Jagan Mohans logic.
Couldnt catch it in time.
So how can one be cool in IIT?
A friend said, Can you see those four guys
in black t-shirts and long hair?
I said yes, I can see the four guys
in black t-shirts and long hair.
He said, They are cool.
I asked, why?
Because they play guitar.
I knew it since my childhood.
Should not have trusted that Jagan Mohan.
I said even I want to be a black t-shirt,
long-haired guitarist.
I called my father
and said, Hello papa!
Papa said, Hello, hello!
I need nine thousand
five hundred and two rupees.
Papa asked, Why do you need nine
thousand five hundred and two rupees?
Nine thousand for the guitar,
five hundred for the black t-shirt
and two rupees for the shampoo.
Papa said, No.
So I forged his signature
and took the money.
Ten thousand five hundred and two rupees,
service tax included.
Not good service.
I still took the money.
Then I hired a guitar teacher,
Sir, make me a rock star.
He said, First we will study theory.
I was like, You are fired.
I called another guitar teacher.
Please make me a rock star.
He said, I will make you a rock star.
Please make me a rock star.
He said, I will make you a rock star.
For the next three months
he taught me two songs,
very complex songs,
you might have not heard of them.
Twinkle twinkle little star
and Happy birthday to you.
I learnt these songs
and approached the band.
I was like, Folks, can I join your band?
I am a guitarist.
I also wear black t-shirt
and have long hair.
They asked, What can you play?
I said, Twinkle twinkle little star.
They said, Fucking idiot.
Please get the fuck out of here."
I asked, Why? My notes are perfect.
They said, This is a rock band.
We play rock music.
I was like what is rock music?
Because I grew up in a small town.
I did not know rock was music.
I always thought
rocking was an adjective.
That you use when you
run out of adjectives.
Youre like good, better, best,
rocking bro, rocking!
In a Roadies audition if you say,
<i>Jay Mata di</i>! Lets rock it.
You will get selected.
Thats all I know about rock.
They said, No. Rock is a form of music.
I was like,Please make me listen
to some songs.
So they made me listen to,
Hotel California.
I thought it was a lousy song.
The song began like this,
Welcome to the Hotel California...
Asshole, if you are a receptionist
why did you write a song?
You should know your limits.
Either follow your dreams or do your job.
Dont mix both.
And who names a song, Hotel California?
At least they shouldve used
some creativity in naming it.
If they open a hotel in Bhopal,
and name it Hotel Madhya Pradesh,
I am not going there.
At least you should name it
Madhya Pradesh Grand.
Okay. Now, maybe I can think of visiting it.
They keep on singing,
"You can check out any time you like.
But you can never leave.
I said, Please, dont be so arrogant
I am not checking in also.
Give me back my ID proof. Please.
What a rubbish song!
And the guitarist keep on playing.
guitar noise
Shut up!
What is it? Are you sad or happy?
There are only two emotions.
What is this abstract nonsense?
guitar noise
Shut up!
Did you have a break up?
guitar noise
Shut up!
I said, I will make my own band.
I dont want to make lousy music like
this Hotel California.
I got out from there.
There were three people
already waiting for me.
I said, Joseph.
guitar noises
I said cool. Nice.
I said Kamlesh.
He said, <i>Sa Sa Re Ga.</i>
Will you drink Dettol?
What?
<i>Ma Ma Re Ga Sa.</i>
Will you drink Savlon?
Hey!
Not interested in
the general idea of pesticides.
Okay cool.
Then there was Ghosh.
I said, Hello Ghosh.
He said, <i>Ta dhin dhin.</i>
I said, No, you have been upgraded.
He said, <i>Dhum chick dish.</i>
I said, 'Yeah, Yeah! The band is ready.'
They asked, "What can you play?
I said, Happy birthday to you?
They said, You are bassist.
I said, 'Alright then. Lets rehearse.'
Joseph said, After we smoke a joint.
I said, Whats a joint?
In the next six months...
I understood what Hotel California is.
Because I could see Hotel California.
I was in the hotel. Wow! What a corridor.
What chandelier!
Wow, beautiful!
I was drinking the hotel water.
Oh! The hotel water is good.
I went to the watchman and asked,
Can I checkout? Can I leave?
He said, Get out of here,
you stoned ass weirdo.
There were only six days left
for the college fest to begin.
We were going to do a rock performance
against four guys, black t-shirts, long hair.
We rehearsed.
We agreed that we would
play Hotel California.
For six long days and nights,
we practiced continuously
without sleeping,
and brought it to a point
where it was bad.
But bad in the sense, that people
would say its terrible and walk away.
It was not so bad that they would say,
"Lets order tea and
witness this disaster unfold."
But on the last day we watched an
Iron Maiden performance video.
Things were happening in that.
The drummer spinning his sticks.
Ghosh went crazy.
Oh! We can spin the sticks?
New possibilities have opened up.
The Iron Maiden guitarist was
running on the stage, playing the guitar.
Joseph said, Wow! Never used my legs.
Must do something with legs.
Kamlesh said, I dont like western music.
I will play some classical
music in this performance.
I said, Why not.
Lets make something new on stage.
Great art comes on stage only.
I will play happy birthday to you.
I will play a wrong note.
Even then it would have been fine.
But next day, we got on stage to discover
this phenomenon called stage fright.
If you dont know what stage fright is,
let me explain.
There is a girl, her name is Neha.
She is cute.
You have been practicing for three months.
I will walk to Neha and say,
Neha you are cool, we should have coffee.
Thats what you have prepared.
The moment you walk up to Neha.
Your brain says
bye.
'Listen Neha...
Do you eat <i>Kanda Poha</i>?
Will you bear my babies?
Two dark babies, boom boom.
Ajay, Vijay! Oh!
We will use rhyming
words to name our kids.
We will write poetry with our kids.
Four guys on stage.
Brains dont know what hands are up to.
But they have watched the Iron Maiden video.
So their expression is... Yeah!
Having fun, yeah!
Ghosh spun a drumstick.
It flew away.
He spun the other one.
It flew away.
Back to tabla.
<i>Ta dhin dhin dha...</i>
Joseph said, Wow!
Drums are fucking up.
I should do something to save this.
He took his guitar and
put his foot on the amplifier.
guitar noises
We thought he might save us.
That very moment the sound guy shouted,
Hey dumbfucker!
Remove your foot.
Every year guys in
IIT Kharagpur ruin my amplifier.
Inside, we were nervous.
But inside, Kamlesh was Dettol.
He doesnt give a fuck.
He saw a girl and said,
Excuse me girl,
this song is dedicated to you.
That girl and her friends
walked out immediately.
Trying to hold them back.
Kamlesh is showing off.
<i>Welcome to the Hotel Sa Sa Re Ga...</i>
Judges were confused.
Are they bad or are we old?
What is going on?
There is self-doubt.
Kamlesh was gulping down the Dettol.
Security guard said,
Sir, whisky not allowed.
He said, Dettol.
Security guard was shocked.
He retired.
I have seen everything.
I cannot comprehend anymore.
My brain is popcorn now.
I was happily playing
Happy birthday to you.
Jack and Jill went up the hill...
All the nursery rhymes I knew.
<i>Daya kar daan bhakti
ka humein parmatma dena...</i>
After I played this for thirty minutes,
the sound guy said,
Excuse me, your guitar is not connected.
'That is the perfect dream.'
We continued for half an hour.
After us, forty-eight
professional bands performed.
And we waited for the results.
Which brings us to the next segment.
Its called jokes without friends.
These jokes have no
narrative from one to other.
There is no flow to them.
Random jokes.
They are on their own.
They came to me in lonely nights of 2016.
And said we came all alone.
I was like I relate.
So I will do the jokes.
Many times when you...
I love travelling from
place to place.
And some of you might have
taken an Uber here.
And everytime you book an Uber
they will use the lowest form of
technology available to them.
They have the location.
They will never use it.
They will call you.
Hellaa!
They never say hello.
Hellaa!
They will never start with hello,
they are talking to somebody else...
Ayyyyy... Hellaaa!
Who is there in your taxi?
Do you have friends everywhere you drive?
I am assuming you dropped somebody.
"Did you murder... Hella!"
The next line they will always say perfectly.
The moment you say, Hello!
Yes sir!
Where do we have to come?
So you just dont know how to say hello.
"Hellaa!"
'You have to come to the location.'
"Location?"
'No. Stay there.
Ill come to you in an Ola.'
We will go together.'
But I dont blame them.
Everytime you ask people
to give you some landmark.
If you ask your friends to come
to a landmark and call you.
They will come near the landmark
theyll call you.
When you ask them,
What can you see?
They will tell you some shit thats
damn close to your house
but you have never heard of.
"Yes. So what can you see around?
Have you reached near Forum mall?"
- Yes I have reached near Forum mall."
"What can you see?"
- "I can see a dog.
A cat.
And a female serpent."
"How do you know the sex of the serpent?"
"She was dancing."
If you ask people on the streets for direction
they will always judge you.
You ask some uncle,
Where is Famous studio?
You want to go to Famous studio?
"Not really.
I roam around Mumbai
and enhancing my general knowledge.
Tell me where all can I go?"
"Have you seen the Sea Link?"
- "Understand the sarcasm, uncle."
People dont get sarcasm.
Have you noticed general knowledge
is always very specific.
"Everest is 11,343 feet tall."
Thats very specific.
Here is what general knowledge sounds like.
There exists Everest.
Very general.
Very knowledge.
One kind of people on the streets
that are very dangerous
are the auto drivers.
If you ask them to take you from
one side of Forum mall to another.
They will quote the highest fare
that they have rehearsed.
Like, 'I want to go from one side to another.
How much?'
"Five hundred and twenty seven rupees."
You are trying to negotiate.
Please take this five hundred
and twenty five rupees, please.
Dont try that shit.
They are used to that.
Which is why, you just agree.
Fucks them up.
'Will you go to Forum mall?'
- "Yes."
'How much is the fare?'
- Five hundred and twenty seven rupees.
'Lets go.'
- "What?"
"Where near Forum Mall?
- 'Police station, fucker.'
Lets talk about something else that we
have in common.
We all love cricket. Yes cricket.
Its really nice. Wow. Cricket.
I asked one of my friends,
"Are you Dhonis fan?"
He said, No, I am Kohli's fan."
I said you can be a fan of both.
They dont even know that you exist.
Why are you being faithful
in your
one-dimensional hypothetical relationship?
Its in your own head.
"How would Dhoni feel?"
Do you think Dhoni is
sitting at your window?
Whats he watching on TV?
Hes got shit to do.
I dont get sports.
Sports to me is a futile exercise
in thermodynamics.
Because people come, they do things in circles,
go back home.
Every four years Olympics happens,
I cant stand it.
I get really angry.
I want to start productive Olympics.
Do something.
Everytime.
I can lift 200kgs.
I will leave it here and go.
Come to my building.
Lift two cylinders.
You shall get paid.
One sport that I dont
like in particular is gymnastics.
Gymnastics is not a sport.
Its a warm up exercise
stretched for too long.
Because at the end of
every sport something happens.
These gymnasts...
"Ummm, ummm, yeah!
Okay, yeah! Okay.
Bye."
Who will play tennis?
I bought popcorn already.
Why dont you stretch at home and come.
Their PT sir didnt teach them a thing.
He did not even know,
how to play any game.
He would always say...
1,2,3,4...
But people are mad about sports.
Recently there was a film made on Dhoni.
That teaser had come.
They made a film on Dhoni named Dhoni.
In the teaser of the film, Dhoni
is sitting on Kharagpur platform no. 8.
Train is approaching.
And Dhoni is thinking.
Sushant Singh Rajput is playing Dhoni.
Dhoni is thinking.
I dont know what he is thinking.
If the ball comes catch it.
What if balls comes?
Then catch it.
My hipster friend watches this film
and he's like,
"Bro, this film isnt realistic at all."
I asked why?
He said, Kharagpur has no platform no. 8.
I said, 'Bro if you look closely,
thats not Dhoni either.'
Why is your problem
with symbolism specific?
Why dont you have a problem
with the general idea of symbolism?
People compare reality to fiction.
Because people dont get fiction.
People do anything.
People will often say this.
Reality is stranger than fiction.
Have you heard this?
Reality is stranger than fiction.
I dont agree.
Show me one panda which can do Kung Fu.
One.
I have two sequels
and a holiday edition too.
Has God ever emerged in your house?
Reality is stranger than fiction.
They read random articles and say this.
My friend read this article...
The article said, Man kisses Cobra
many times.
Dies when Cobra kisses back.
Strange.
But Kung Fu Panda has
a teacher who is a mouse.
Whose teacher was a tortoise.
Whose adopted child was a lion.
What is stranger?
What people mean to say, when they say
reality is stranger than fiction is this.
They mean to say...
The writer cant even imagine the things
that happen in reality to pen them down.
Thats what they mean to say.
Such strange things happen
that the writer just cant write.
So strange, wow!
As a writer I take offence.
I can write.
But you can't read it.
I will write a full book.
400 pages only with g.
Only g not even vowels.
And on the last page, cow dung.
Not the word,
I'll literally put cow dung over there.
What is this?
Strange enough for you, motherfucker.
People have very low
bar for entertainment.
That is why I don't have to do much.
People are entertained by fountains.
The earth is taking a leak.
People are happy.
They started missing the fountain
during the night, so they lit it.
Red, blue.
"Wow! It's looking great.
Was missing this at night.
This revolution against gravity
that water is doing."
People hate gravity.
Thats basically what it is.
People just enjoy saying
fuck you to gravity.
They basically want to swing
and say 'fuck you' to gravity.
Thats all.
When the child is born, what do you buy?
Cradle.
Why?
When the baby is born,
it cries, so we will put it in the cradle.
It will work.
Baby is born.
Why am I born?
Oh! I am swinging in the cradle.
Then when he gets sick of that axis,
father takes him in his arms
and swings him up and down.
Wow! Fuck you gravity.
Amusement park is the answer
to what if dad was an industry?
They made all these rides
only to say fuck you to gravity.
Sitting on those rides...
Fuck you, gravity.
Asshole, gravity.
What wrong has gravity done to you?
Sitting on the merry go round...
Fuck you, gravity.
Potential energy, kinetic energy, wow!
What a genius!
That is what they do.
When they sit on a seesaw...
"Give me some potential energy, bro.
Take bro.
What did you tell gravity?
Oh gravity, are you shy?
Oh!"
The second thing we love is sex
because that is two people pendulum.
Love that shit.
And if you are ugly
you dont get much of it.
And I am ugly. I know this.
And it is not my problem.
Its your problem.
You are facing this direction
after paying money.
Not my problem at all.
When some people are ugly what they do is,
they cover it up with good clothes.
Forget the face, look at
the wonderful clothes I am wearing.
I dont get that shit.
I dont care.
I was born wearing jeans and t-shirt.
I was born in a hospital.
Nurse asked me, Diaper?
I said no.
Please give me a swing.
But some people...
I don't get it.
I have a friend.
All my friends wear jeans t-shirt.
A friend outside our circle
invited me for his wedding.
He said, Please come!
I went.
He asked me to wear Indian clothes.
So I wore jeans and t-shirt
and went for the wedding.
At the wedding everyone wore <i>chudidar,
lehanga, Punjabi, dhoti, lungi.</i>
Happily singing,
Its my friends wedding today...
He asked me,
Why arent you wear Indian clothes?
I told him I am wearing Indian
clothes you are wearing history.
Get out and see,
everyone is wearing jeans and t-shirt.
The times of Raja Ram Mohan Roy are gone.
You have remained.
The second argument.
When you ask people,
why do you fashion?
Regardless of the gender
they will say this,
I do it for myself.
I do it for myself."
Yes, but I am the one who must see.
Ninety nine percent of
the light reflected from
your clothes are coming into my eyes.
If my eyes were here
it would have been alright.
But your eyes are here.
You didnt even see what
you are wearing since morning.
Final argument.
They'll say,
"I am making a fashion statement.
I am making statement with fashion, oooo!"
Slap!
Why are Hindi,
English, Devnagri, Java, C++,
dictionary, thesaurus there
if you wanted to make a vague statement?
What is that you can't
state with a language
that you want to state with your clothes?
Gandhi is protesting.
Simon go back, Simon go back!
Simon didnt get it.
You came in a V-neck and <i>dhoti</i>.
Oh I understand.
Thank you guys, Ill leave.
V for vuck off.
I know.
Every show I tell people they say,
"What is this?
What is this?
Hella!"
If this doesnt make you laugh
then I dont know what fuck will.
I know what will.
See, everyone understands sex jokes.
Not met a person in my motherfucking
life who doesnt like sex jokes.
Everybody's like, "Oh I am sophisticated.
Sex. Ha ha ha ha!
Penis, vagina! Oh ho!"
Look I am ugly.
I use a tactic.
What am I going to do in life?
I will have sex with everyone.
Then nobody can call me ugly.
You are ugly.
Then why did you have sex with me?
This was my strategy
until I was twenty
two.
Because now I have realised that
the return on investment
of having sex is very low.
One has to invest for
the first three months.
"Wow! Right swipe.
Whatte!
Hi, Hello!
Yeah, I like that band.
Which band is this?
Yeah yeah, I like that artist.
What is art?"
Finally you meet in some restaurant.
Have dinner.
Fucking impressed.
Yeah yeah, impressed.
Then you split the bill because feminism.
Now...
Do it.
It's true.
Do it, fucker.
Do not clap!
Every penny should be split
otherwise I will fuck you up.
I will personally come and
see in every restaurant.
I'll stalk you.
Waiter will explode and I will appear.
Split the bill. Go home.
Beautiful ambience light. Melodious music.
Have sex.
Your reward lasts for three seconds.
I dont want to have sex.
What? I dont want to have sex any more.
On a deposit of one crore rupees
you get an interest of one rupee.
And a 30% tax on that.
Was it good for you?
I dont want to do it.
Now I am happy by knowing
that I can have sex.
I go to girls.
And Im like, Can we sex?
And if they say yes.
I say bye.
I dont want to.
If you give a man an orgasm
he is happy for three seconds.
Give a man consent
he can masturbate for life.
I know somebody will tweet to me
after this, saying Biswa is a sexist pig.
Maybe I am sexist.
But what did the pig do?
Pig is joyously devouring excreta.
Great.
I know.
Some of you are uncomfortable.
Let me make you more.
Dick pics are wrong and
you should not send them.
Okay.
Thats the disclaimer.
The umbrella under
which this joke functions.
Do not disagree with that.
However I think dick pics do
have a silver lining
if the flash is on.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Some people used brains.
Other are like...
Whats this? Please slap a
slapstick punchline and I shall laugh.
Why is this show a commentary on itself?
This comedian is too self aware.
And now I am too.
Should not send dick pics.
Because...
See.
There is a silver lining to a dick pic...
If someone sends a dick pic,
it saves time.
Rather than lying for four
years that I am your friend.
As soon as you have a breakup,
I want to sex you.
Better option is...
send a dick pic.
Immediate rejection.
You should not do it but I am saying
like there is some silver lining.
Sending dick pics is wrong because...
Consent.
When you send a dick pic
somebody has to see it without consent.
So one afternoon you are writing
a software and suddenly
a dick.
I dont want to see it.
Why should you not send dick pics?
Instead, write dick pic
and send a link.
Whoever wants to see it will see.
With consent.
I had written dick pic,
what did you expect, a bear?
Most brands want to stay
away from anything sexual.
We want to pretend
like everything is nice.
Like there are no curse words.
They think there are
no curse words in this world.
They want to show everything is nice.
Like there is a new product
in the market, instant noodles.
Its tagline,
Beat up hunger.
I think brands should be honest.
Your first line of creativity is honesty.
You want to talk to the youth,
talk honestly.
Your tagline should be,
Instant noodles...
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
Who will not try?
When guys in hostels are hungry
and they dont know what to eat.
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
He will eat that only.
All food is poison but this man is honest.
I am so inspired by this idea
that I want to start my
chain of restaurants called <i>Le Bencho</i>.
I will position it as a French restaurant
Next to every Au Bon Pain,
we'll have <i>Le Bencho</i>.
When the Queen of England comes in,
and she asks for Indian food.
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
You took our spices
now bear the curse words.
Thats the end of that segment.
You may applaud if you desire so.
The final story is about me
like the rest of this fucking show.
This is a story about
me trying to be cool.
Like the rest of the fucking show.
This story takes place in eighth
standard right after sixth standard.
And this story is about me
trying to be cool by playing sports.
As you know,
sports is great.
Sports is the ultimate way of being cool.
Like in international cricket
there are 11 players who play cricket.
In domestic cricket
there are eleven players
who play cricket and a guy
who picks up the ball from the drain.
Yours truly, always.
I was born like this.
I always used to take out
the ball from the drain hoping
that some day they will
make me a part of the team.
But they never did.
When I was born, they said,
Go get the ball from the drain.
I said, 'I just came into this world.'
You can talk.
You also wear jeans and t-shirt.
So why cant you get
the ball from the drain?
Why are you guys so surreal?
But I used to dream a lot.
Whenever Ganguly hit a century,
I used to think,
What is this?
Only 100 runs in 50 overs?
When I will play cricket,
I will hit a six on every single ball.
Sixes on 300 balls.
That would make a total score of 1800.
My friend said,
Excuse me, actually batting
changes after every over.
I said, 'Oh no problem.
In every alternative over
six sixes in each ball,
a total score of 900.'
He said, Oh okay! Why dont
you hit six on every first five balls
and a single on every last ball?
I said, 'Oh nice, thirty one.
Thirty one multiplied by fifty.
1550.'
He said, Yeah but why are you taking
a single run on the last ball?
Hit a six.
I said cool.
Fifteen fifty six.
He said, No.
You are taking only 49 singles now.
I agreed, 'Yes fifteen fifty five.'
He said, Good, now get
the ball from the drain.
This was me.
And I used to sit on the last bench
because of very popular
public policy height wise.
Indian education system couldnt
come up with sloped classrooms
so they came up with sloped children.
If your genetics are good, go to the back.
No need to listen just
watch a Charlie Chaplin film.
All the boys who used to sit with me
in the class had failed and reached there.
They had failed many times.
They started from the first row.
They failed. Shifted to second row.
Failed again. Third row.
Failed again. Fourth row.
And all had dark skin for some reason.
If you are insoluble in Indian education system
you will slowly precipitate.
Slowly you will reach the last bench.
I don't even know their fucking names.
We'll call them Deepak.
We'll call them Deepak.
All dark skinned.
Hair on the chest, so long
which they cut in the classroom.
While history teacher is teaching,
these guys object.
Shah Jahan made Taj Mahal
in the memory of Mumtaz.
No madam, since she died he dedicated
it for good PR.
How do you know?
I was there.
All the six Deepaks are sitting.
There is no hope in their lives.
They are in eighth standard
and their child is in seventh standard.
Son.
They talk during the recess.
Why did you copy my signature?
But papa my name is Deepak too.
These are Deepaks.
Even life, doesnt respect them.
There was one more character, PT sir.
In Indian schools PT teachers
dont get any respect.
Nobody respects him.
Because PT teacher
tries to show off so hard.
Maths teacher teaches 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.
PT teacher comes in the
morning and says, 1,2,1...
1,2,1.
Hey you should say left right left.
Why are you trying to show off binary?
This is...
This 1,2,3,4.
This is 1,2,1.
But PT teacher wont understand.
He just doesnt understand anything.
It is early winter morning.
PT teacher says, Attention.
Students stand straight.
PT teacher says, Stand at ease.
We were standing at ease earlier.
Why you raised false alarm, bitch?
And what kind of resting position is this?
I am not feeling rested at all.
This is very close to attention guys.
You should come to my house
to know how I rest.
At least horizontal.
Then he says, Easy.
I can only shake my hands with ease.
I thought, 'Till I have my underpants on,
I can not stand with ease.'
PT teacher.
That is why everyone used
to gossip about PT teachers affair.
They will find somebody.
Do you know that PT teacher
and English madam are full on.
Full on.
Nobody exactly knew what full on meant.
What is the exact sexual process?
No sex education.
No nothing.
But full on.
Deepaks used to explain their juniors.
Do you know last year, full on?
Our PT teacher was fed up.
He was a short guy, curly hair,
four feet, fed up.
He said, I want to do
something useful in life.
One day he got an idea.
There was an interschool basketball
championship coming up near our school.
He said, We will participate.
We will make our school team.
And win the trophy.
But...
He came up with a genius idea.
He was like,
I want to do something that has never
been tried in basketball history before.
I will make a team of
tall people.
What a genius!
Then he went and jerked off for two hours.
Wow!
I am such a genius.
Then he came back.
And thanks to popular
public policy height wise.
His dialogue was reduced to one line,
He came into the classroom and said,
Come on last bench. Lets go.
All the Deepaks and I left.
Then he said,
You are part of the sports team.
I had a spark in my eyes.
I said, 'Sir where is the drain?'
I will get into it.
I will churn the ocean.
You throw a ball,
I will bring back three balls.
Professional level drain.
I will get in from the
drain and come out of the tap.
What you know PT teacher?
I am genius.
PT teacher said,
You are part of the team.
You and all Deepaks are parts of the team.
Deepaks got excited.
Sir, are you trying to tell us
that we have to do something
other than disappoint?
PT teacher said, Yes, you
have to put the ball in the basket.
Deepaks went mad.
At that point we realised that
within the radius of 20 km from our school...
It was such a small town.
There was not one basketball court
next to our school.
But PT teacher was full of positivity.
Short heighted man.
This short.
He took a rod.
Turned it and fixed it in the wall.
He said, Where there is a wall,
there is a basketball.
We said, Idiot you could have
learnt something from English madam.
You dont even know the basic proverbs.
Will you spend your
entire life by saying 1,2,1?
He got a football and said,
Put it in the basket.
The basket was right here
so me and Deepaks put
the ball in the basket.
PT teacher jerked off for another two hours.
He said, What a genius idea.
I knew this tall people
gamble will pay off.
He said, Do something creative.
So we threw the ball
from under the basket.
He said, Wow!
What a...
This time he went and had sex.
Then he said, Lets not delay.
Lets go to the interschool
basketball championship,
play and come back as winners.
I told ma that I am going to
play and will come back with the trophy.
Ma said,
You dont have a future in sports.
I said you will see.
Slippers on my feet,
half pants,
football in the hand
and eyes full of dreams.
Six Deepaks and I,
sat on a Swaraj Mazda.
To sink our dreams.
If you dont know Swaraj Mazda.
Look it up.
Swaraj Mazda is basically
one day an auto and a
truck had a one night stand.
A car came out which always
got confused at the toll booth.
Am I heavy or am I light?
Swaraj Mazda.
Choice of vehicle for
all kinds of immersions.
Sentence too complex.
Now, we reached the place.
DPS, Nalco Nagar.
Where, for the first time,
we saw a basketball.
Then we saw a basket.
Then we saw two baskets.
We said, Oh fuck!
PT teacher said, Dont worry
you are tall, basket is tall
this is not the game we had
expected but this is a game we deserve.
We said, Dark Knight hasnt been
written yet and you know the dialogues?
He said its the English teacher.
We were astonished, How
can you connect everything?
Too surreal PT teacher.
Then the other team arrived.
We were looking at this.
Their team came.
In their team everyone was
wearing jerseys, sports shoes.
And everyone had their names
on their jerseys.
Aakash, Prakash, Vijay.
They were wearing shoes.
We said, What kind of idiots are these?
They will take time
to take off their shoes.
We are ready.
There were four cheer leaders with each player.
Four cheer leaders with each player.
They cheered, "Wohoo..."
Game didnt even start... Wohoo!
What an annoying noise.
Wohoo is the worst motivational
speech in the fucking world.
What is this?
If somebody is dying and
you do Wohoo,
his ghost will do wohoo in your kitchen everyday.
Fucking wohoo!
How irritating!
Are you a human or a cuckoo bird?
Wohoo!
I get so pissed.
I think we should fit
it in every ambulance.
People will immediately
give way to others.
Someone is going on a road.
From behind wohoo.
Go fucker.
Save your old man.
Go live your life.
Wohoo, Wohoo, Wohoo!
Fucking hate that shit.
Then...
We saw that everybody were
not tall in their team.
Some were tall. Some were short.
We were like, look at this.
Dont know the basic laws.
This is unpopular
public policy skill wise.
Soon to be decimated by
popular public policy height wise.
The match began.
The ball went up.
And then never came in our hands.
They were passing the ball to each other.
We said, Give it to us.
Guests are equal to Gods.
We have come from far.
Our eyes full of dreams.
If you dont give us the
ball how are we going to play?
They kept playing with the ball.
Dribble dribble dribble.
We said, Guys this is a
basketball and not a yo-yo ball.
Why are you throwing it to the ground?
Ball, basket, shortest distance.
We know it from state board.
How can you be doing this from CBSE board?
They just wouldn't give us the ball.
So one of our teammates
went and tried to take the ball.
He made a foul.
Referee blew the whistle.
We were playing such
a lousy game that...
the cheer leaders left.
The cheer leaders fucking left.
Have you ever been so ugly
that somebody else had a break up?
Have you ever been so cursed that
someone elses marriage
broke because of you?
Priest sees you and surrenders,
"I cant do it any more.
My career is over.
I cannot perform any more marriages.
Throw flowers at him,
How ugly!
Why do you have teeth
coming out of your eyes?
Too ugly.
One of the Deepaks just couldnt stand it.
Alright.
They were not giving us the ball.
Cheer leaders had walked off.
There was no motivation left in his life.
He said, I want the ball.
The guy from the opposite team
was running away dribbling the ball.
"Oh! Career ahead.
Oh privilege."
He was running.
Deepak went and he touched him.
Not much.
He said, Rules are only
applicable if you are afraid.
I dont give a fuck.
Deepak only touched him.
The other guy fell to the ground.
Oh, I am dead.
Oh my God, what a f...
I have fractured my neck.
Hey!
And I dont doubt him
because you have to understand.
Deepak from state board
has been beaten up by headmaster,
principal. Even PT teacher has thrashed him.
All the Deepaks used to beat him up.
Even his own kid used to slap him.
Shah Jahan had also beaten him.
Even I have beaten him.
The ball has also beaten him.
Deepaks bones are very strong.
Full of calcium.
Full of stalactite, stalagmite.
Meanwhile Aakash from CBSE board
has only experienced hugs and kisses.
Deepak touched once and
natural selection took over.
Oh, I am going to die.
You should not have been born
at the first place as Darwin said."
Deepak, what English man!
Well, I was Darwins friend.
Cheer leaders...
Cheer leaders took Aakash on a stretcher.
Wohoo, wohoo, wohoo!
Four cheer leaders took him away.
Full road was empty.
Hypothesis proven.
Deepak dont give a fuck.
Deepak said, I must score a basket.
Match was over.
He said, We have come so far,
I must score a basket.
Deepak took the ball.
We all cheered, Deepak! Deepak!
They are also Deepaks.
Deepak took the ball and threw it.
The ball crossed the basket.
It crossed DPS, Nalco Nagar.
And with all our dreams,
the ball went into the drain.
Thank you guys you
have been an amazing audience.
Give it up for yourselves.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Alright.
Thank you guys.
Anything else you all need to know?
Thank you very much
for coming for the show.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Clap for yourselves.
Thank you!
Drive safe. Good night.
This is Biswa.
The cool dude, Biswa.
People would often ask him...
How much wood would a wood chuck
chuck a wood chuck could chuck wood?
The answer is...
All of it.
Help? Who needs help?
People who need help
are nothing but losers.
You need only yourself
to organise your show!
Because he is...
Light guy,
sound guy,
sex guy,
press guy,
DJ guy,
spot guy,
mosquito guy,
producer guy,
boom guy,
this boom guy,
walky guy,
fan guy,
fire guy,
fire extinguisher guy,
make-up guy,
watchman guy,
cameraman guy,
Shaktiman guy.
Ladies, gentlemen...
a huge round of applause
for Biswa Kalyan Rath.
audience cheering
Hello! Hi!
audience cheering
I know, I know, it sounds like...
It looks like it's a big deal.
Its fucking not...
Its not a big deal.
When I upload the video,
first comment, Good video,
but when is the next one coming?
The future of this nation is bleak.
At a wedding,
Nice husband but when is the baby due?
This exercise is pointless.
I know they made an announcement.
They said,
Dont go to the toilet,
even if you have to shit."
I agree, just shit right here.
On the chair.
Unzip your pants and
go in the open.
No tension.
It will look awesome.
Biswa cracks a joke,
cut to audience.
People are laughing except
two people are shitting.
Laughing and shitting at the same time.
One male, one female. Feminist.
Its that kind of a show.
Let's start the show.
Let's start the show.
I went into to a shop and asked,
Bro, do you have Tic Tac?
He said, "I have no Tic Tac,
but do you want a Kit Kat?
I said, Dont try this tactic.
He said, Why are you getting angry?
Is everything alright at home?
The end.
Thats a great story.
A beginning, middle, end.
Some stories dont have endings.
In old stories they would
do weird things to end a story.
Have you heard the old stories?
In old, mythological stories,
a character would transform
into a different character.
A frog will explode into a prince.
I haven't seen it,
but maybe it happens!
Lets believe it.
Anything... Brahmin transforms into God.
Someone will explode and
turn into a demon or a sage.
In Mahabharata or Ramayana
if I see a bird, I dont trust it.
If a bird enters the scene,
I am certain it will explode.
Bird tries to act convincingly.
"Wow! What a bird! Look at my wings.
Cukoocukoo!"
"Heres my front profile,
my side profile, my side profile."
I am like this is not a bird.
Damn, where were you
till the seventeenth chapter?
But the characters in
the story are blind to this.
Whenever they see a bird,
Oh! A fat bird.
Let's kill it and make a biryani.
The moment they shoot the bird,
God erupts and says,
Surprise test! You have failed.
Many characters pop up.
Soldier explodes into God.
Somebody explodes into a demon...
But I will tell you
real stories from my life.
Not mythology or old ones...
Because I am new.
Didnt see that mother
fucking punch line coming?
I thought it was a sentence,
but a punchline!
The first story. Is about me
trying to be cool in sixth standard.
Everything was fine at
school till in sixth standard
somebody figured out that
we can create our own signatures.
Now in general signature
is a unique identifier.
In my school, signature
was a status symbol.
Cooler the signature, cooler you are.
Manojs signature was
the same forward and backward.
He was super cool.
He used to eat others
tiffin during recess.
Students would ask,
Why are you eating from our tiffin?
Did you see my signature?
- Wow! Eat. Eat everything.
Krishna changed the dot above I
into a heart and a star in his signature...
The next you know he has a girlfriend.
Wow! Krishna so sensitive.
I decided even I need to be cool.
I made a signature. My name
is Biswa Kalyan Rath. I signed as BKR.
Two guys came running and
changed it into <i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.
Within two minutes
and then they danced.
<i>Bekkar Bakar Bhikari
Bekkar Bakar Bhikari</i>.
I realised this signature wont work.
I need a cool signature.
I was looking for an inspiration.
One day I saw my papas signature.
Papa signed and got money.
I wanted his signature.
So I forged my dads signature.
Dot to dot.
My name is Biswa Kalyan Rath,
my signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.
I showed it to my
friends in the classroom.
Everyone liked it.
So they started practicing
my dads signature in their notebooks.
Everyones signature was Jagan Mohan Rath.
Everyone were practicing
Jagan Mohan Rath in their books.
Madam wrote a note,
"Your child is not doing his homework."
Its okay, Jagan Mohan Rath.
Madam asked,
Who is this Jagan Mohan Rath?
How come everyone has the same father?"
Madam called my Papa.
Hello!
[Papa] Yes. Jagan Mohan Rath.
[Madam] Your son is up to something.
[Papa] I will look into it.
That day when I came home.
Papa was waiting at the door,
in position.
I thought, 'Oh bad news!'
I tried to escape him.
But he caught me by my hair.
He said, Show me your rough notebook.
I gave him my notebook.
He scanned the first few
pages but couldnt find anything.
I said, 'Oh!
The deception has worked.'
Then he scanned the last pages.
I was caught red handed.
CIA has hacked my computer.
I had scribbled my heart out there.
No one had ever given me a personal diary.
So I used to write
everything in that notebook.
It was filled with my fathers signature
Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
I love Snigdha.
Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
Penis. Jagan Mohan Rath, Jagan Mohan Rath...
Vagina. Jagan Mohan Rath...
I also made an illustration
of a penis and vagina.
I made a small stick figure
with a small line depicting a penis.
And a stick figure with boobs for vagina.
Because I couldnt figure out
how to draw a stick figure of vagina.
Kid is horny with hormones
but has no artistic integrity.
Yeah...
These great artworks were signed by
the artist, Jagan Mohan Rath.
My father saw it and gave me
the thrashing of my life.
WWE is nothing compared to the
thrashing a middle class father can give.
John Cena says, You cant see me.
My father, I can see you.
You will go flying with one slap...
John Cena will run away.
My father was Sivamani
and I his drums.
He bashed me up real good.
Slapped me from every possible angle.
My father has two hands...
But I could feel the bashing of three.
Thats how quantum my father is.
I was being whacked...
He has caught me,
and pinned me to the floor,
giving me the bashing of my life.
I asked him, Where do you think Ill run off
in your one BHK apartment?
Have got me pinned me here!?"
My innocent brother who is four,
was passing by singing.
<i>"Captain Planet! He is the hero.
Extinguisher of pollution...</i>"
Slap.
Captain Jagan Mohan in the house.
Both of us got thrashed
and were lying on the floor.
Papa said, Dont forge my signature.
I asked why?
He said, Its a federal offence.
I told him I dont understand.
Send me to an English medium school.
So he translated it for me.
God is watching everything.
Now this was a very
low budget translation.
This is Google translator in 1995.
Papa said, God is watching everything.
I thought, Oh God!
If papa is right.
If God is really watching everything...
Then I'm in serious trouble.
Forging signatures is only
one of the crimes that the child commits.
This kid has a dark side...
God must be having a tough time.'
So I thought let me ask papa,
if God is watching everything or not?
From where is God watching?
As soon as papa gauged
the logic in my eyes,
he quickly applied his and said,
I am getting late for work.
I am going.
Papa went. I was lying on the floor.
My curiosity was left unanswered
and then the tables turned.
We were out of gas at home.
Ma had called for the gas cylinder.
The delivery guy arrived.
He said, Madam please
sign and take the delivery.
Ma signed, but he said,
No no, Jagan Mohan Rath.
I smiled.
The valuation of my
start up just increased.
Jagan Mohan Raths demand
has increased in the market.
Let me sell it right away for $3 million.
I stood up and walked around.
Ma asked me to sign.
I said, No ma.
Must act pricy.
God is watching everything.
So ma did what every mother does.
She called my father.
She said, Hello! Talk to your son.
Talk to your father.
I said, 'Thanks for the introduction, ma.'
Hello papa, looks like you
need a real man to solve your problem.
Papa said, Sign it.
I said, Papa,
God is watching everything.
Papa said, There is no God.
It was just a statement.
Just a statement?
You gave me the thrashing of my life
and now youre saying,
its just a statement?
Say sorry.
Papa said, I will not apologise.
I said, Ma, talk to your husband.
Papa, talk to your wife.
Thanks for the introduction.
Ma said, Just tell him you are sorry.
Papa wouldnt listen.
Ma then dropped the nuclear bomb,
I have spoilt my whole
life by marrying you.
I am not your maid.
Everyone is a gambling
addict in your family.
Papa, Sorry.
The tyranny of the father
has ended and the sons begun.
Since then he has never
looked me in the eye.
Now the son is an alpha
and the father is a toddler.
Full on.
Then I forged dads signature
on all his property papers and robbed him.
Today I have a house,
a car, a bungalow and ma too.
All Papa is left with is regrets.
Thats the Bollywood ending of that story.
Where in the end everything gets alright.
The actual ending is...
I said, Hello Papa.
Papa said, "Sign it."
I said, God is...
Papa said, I will slap you.
A ten year old boy had
to choose between a slap and God.
Tough choice. I did a risk analysis.
A slap hurts, I know this.
But God I dont know.
The possibility of getting
slapped was two hundred percent.
I know this.
God, fifty-fifty.
And overall I can prove
that a slap exists.
So I went and signed, Jagan Mohan Rath.
As soon as I signed the paper,
the delivery guy exploded
and God appeared.
He said, Surprise test. You failed.
Obviously thats also not the real ending.
The real ending is, one day
the delivery guy came and said,
Madam please sign here.
Ma signed and he said, "Okay."
And he left.
Thats the fucking ending.
Nothing happened.
I was just daydreaming.
Oh! Had this really happened,
I wouldve robbed all of dads property.
But I lied and made this story up.
In half of the cities I havent
narrated the last ending.
The audience still thinks I am cool.
They think I actually robbed
my fathers property.
Theyll know when they watch
Amazon Prime Video, Oh! He fooled us.
But the quest of being cool never ends.
So I went to college.
What do we do in college?
Papa provided us with food and home.
We just have to become cool.
That is what I want to do in life.
The second story is about college.
'Rock band' is when four good musicians
come together to make great music.
The opposite of that is college rock band.
When four horrible musicians come
together to create embarrassing memories.
I am telling you this because
I was obviously part of a rock band.
Ill introduce you to the members.
First member, his name was Joseph.
He wanted four things in life,
weed, guitar, himself and
him playing guitar on weed.
That's all he likes.
You say hi, he'll respond with
six hours of non-stop guitar.
Hes going crazy strumming.
The second member, his name was Kamlesh.
Kamlesh was a little sad in life.
Because he had a break up,
eight years ago!
He kept on attempting suicide.
Every week he used to drink Dettol
and attempt suicide.
He wouldnt die but sing really well
once he got up.
Because ninety nine percent of the germs
in his throat had died.
I know nobody has tried this.
People drink honey and germs thrive.
Kamlesh drinks Dettol and germs die.
The entire lineage of germs is wiped out.
Udit Narayan sings <i>Sa</i>,
germs sing <i>Re Ga Re Ga</i>.
Kamlesh has killed all the germs.
When he sings, no germs interfere.
He was odd,
he believed that if one includes
<i>Sa Re Ga Pa</i> in a song,
it becomes classical music.
<i>Ab toh aadat Sa Sa.</i>
He thought he was Rahat Fateh Ali Khan.
Third character, his name is Ghosh.
Ghosh was our drummer,
but actually he was a tabla player.
Because lets face it,
India is a developing country.
No father is that cool
to buy a drum kit for his kid.
If you go to a country, somebodys playing drums
and he is a teenager...
Its a developed country.
Here there are no drum kits at home.
Its only on TV that you see
a child playing drums.
Papa, I also want...
SLAP.
I am Sivamani. Youre a kid.
This is what happens.
And the final character is me.
I used to play bass.
Bass if you dont know, good.
Bass is the intern of the band.
If a guitarist had three hands
then there was no need for a bassist.
Bass is a very lonely instrument.
I have five fingers but
bass has only four strings.
Please do not use full potential.
Do not respect me.
I dont know. I dont blame you
if you dont know what bass is.
Because when I was young,
I didnt know what a guitar was
until I saw Salman Khan
play guitar to <i>O O Jaane Jaana.</i>
Then I knew. Because Salman
Khan brought a bike on stage.
Stage was on a beach.
I have seen a lot of beaches.
But I never saw
a stage on a beach.
I have seen a lot of stages.
But I never saw a bike on them.
Salman Khan was playing an
acoustic tune on an electric guitar.
Then he threw that guitar.
And it was still playing.
Ting ting... Threw it.
Ting ting...
At no point in the performance
is the guitar connected to anything.
In 1996, he had a Bluetooth guitar.
Everyones happy.
Everyones dancing.
Ting ting...
I went crazy after seeing it.
I went running to my
papa and said, Papa.
He said, Yes.
I said, 'I am a creative man,
I want to be a guitarist.'
And my dad told me what
his dad told him and I quote.
My dad said, NO!
Because thats what most of parenting is.
You just have to keep saying no.
Your kids will never ask
questions whose answer is yes.
Hell not ask, Papa, can I die
in the freedom struggle?
Never.
Every time.
Papa I ate cow dung for two hours
can I eat shit too?
No.
But papa this is my dream.
Yes but you are a creative man. Right?
Yes.
Then dream of something else.
This Jagan Mohan is smart.
But which dream can make me cool, papa?
Tell me please.
Papa said, Do one thing,
become an IITian.
I asked, IITian? Is it cool?
Papa said, Yes
I said, Well I dont
know any other adults.
So I will go with your word.
For ten years I slogged and finally
got admission in IIT Kharagpur.
On the first day I declared
to everyone at IIT Kharagpur,
Excuse me!
I am cool because I am IITian.
They said, Fucking idiot!
Everyone here is an IITian.
I was like, Oh fuck!
I always knew there was a loophole
in Jagan Mohans logic.
Couldnt catch it in time.
So how can one be cool in IIT?
A friend said, Can you see those four guys
in black t-shirts and long hair?
I said yes, I can see the four guys
in black t-shirts and long hair.
He said, They are cool.
I asked, why?
Because they play guitar.
I knew it since my childhood.
Should not have trusted that Jagan Mohan.
I said even I want to be a black t-shirt,
long-haired guitarist.
I called my father
and said, Hello papa!
Papa said, Hello, hello!
I need nine thousand
five hundred and two rupees.
Papa asked, Why do you need nine
thousand five hundred and two rupees?
Nine thousand for the guitar,
five hundred for the black t-shirt
and two rupees for the shampoo.
Papa said, No.
So I forged his signature
and took the money.
Ten thousand five hundred and two rupees,
service tax included.
Not good service.
I still took the money.
Then I hired a guitar teacher,
Sir, make me a rock star.
He said, First we will study theory.
I was like, You are fired.
I called another guitar teacher.
Please make me a rock star.
He said, I will make you a rock star.
Please make me a rock star.
He said, I will make you a rock star.
For the next three months
he taught me two songs,
very complex songs,
you might have not heard of them.
Twinkle twinkle little star
and Happy birthday to you.
I learnt these songs
and approached the band.
I was like, Folks, can I join your band?
I am a guitarist.
I also wear black t-shirt
and have long hair.
They asked, What can you play?
I said, Twinkle twinkle little star.
They said, Fucking idiot.
Please get the fuck out of here."
I asked, Why? My notes are perfect.
They said, This is a rock band.
We play rock music.
I was like what is rock music?
Because I grew up in a small town.
I did not know rock was music.
I always thought
rocking was an adjective.
That you use when you
run out of adjectives.
Youre like good, better, best,
rocking bro, rocking!
In a Roadies audition if you say,
<i>Jay Mata di</i>! Lets rock it.
You will get selected.
Thats all I know about rock.
They said, No. Rock is a form of music.
I was like,Please make me listen
to some songs.
So they made me listen to,
Hotel California.
I thought it was a lousy song.
The song began like this,
Welcome to the Hotel California...
Asshole, if you are a receptionist
why did you write a song?
You should know your limits.
Either follow your dreams or do your job.
Dont mix both.
And who names a song, Hotel California?
At least they shouldve used
some creativity in naming it.
If they open a hotel in Bhopal,
and name it Hotel Madhya Pradesh,
I am not going there.
At least you should name it
Madhya Pradesh Grand.
Okay. Now, maybe I can think of visiting it.
They keep on singing,
"You can check out any time you like.
But you can never leave.
I said, Please, dont be so arrogant
I am not checking in also.
Give me back my ID proof. Please.
What a rubbish song!
And the guitarist keep on playing.
guitar noise
Shut up!
What is it? Are you sad or happy?
There are only two emotions.
What is this abstract nonsense?
guitar noise
Shut up!
Did you have a break up?
guitar noise
Shut up!
I said, I will make my own band.
I dont want to make lousy music like
this Hotel California.
I got out from there.
There were three people
already waiting for me.
I said, Joseph.
guitar noises
I said cool. Nice.
I said Kamlesh.
He said, <i>Sa Sa Re Ga.</i>
Will you drink Dettol?
What?
<i>Ma Ma Re Ga Sa.</i>
Will you drink Savlon?
Hey!
Not interested in
the general idea of pesticides.
Okay cool.
Then there was Ghosh.
I said, Hello Ghosh.
He said, <i>Ta dhin dhin.</i>
I said, No, you have been upgraded.
He said, <i>Dhum chick dish.</i>
I said, 'Yeah, Yeah! The band is ready.'
They asked, "What can you play?
I said, Happy birthday to you?
They said, You are bassist.
I said, 'Alright then. Lets rehearse.'
Joseph said, After we smoke a joint.
I said, Whats a joint?
In the next six months...
I understood what Hotel California is.
Because I could see Hotel California.
I was in the hotel. Wow! What a corridor.
What chandelier!
Wow, beautiful!
I was drinking the hotel water.
Oh! The hotel water is good.
I went to the watchman and asked,
Can I checkout? Can I leave?
He said, Get out of here,
you stoned ass weirdo.
There were only six days left
for the college fest to begin.
We were going to do a rock performance
against four guys, black t-shirts, long hair.
We rehearsed.
We agreed that we would
play Hotel California.
For six long days and nights,
we practiced continuously
without sleeping,
and brought it to a point
where it was bad.
But bad in the sense, that people
would say its terrible and walk away.
It was not so bad that they would say,
"Lets order tea and
witness this disaster unfold."
But on the last day we watched an
Iron Maiden performance video.
Things were happening in that.
The drummer spinning his sticks.
Ghosh went crazy.
Oh! We can spin the sticks?
New possibilities have opened up.
The Iron Maiden guitarist was
running on the stage, playing the guitar.
Joseph said, Wow! Never used my legs.
Must do something with legs.
Kamlesh said, I dont like western music.
I will play some classical
music in this performance.
I said, Why not.
Lets make something new on stage.
Great art comes on stage only.
I will play happy birthday to you.
I will play a wrong note.
Even then it would have been fine.
But next day, we got on stage to discover
this phenomenon called stage fright.
If you dont know what stage fright is,
let me explain.
There is a girl, her name is Neha.
She is cute.
You have been practicing for three months.
I will walk to Neha and say,
Neha you are cool, we should have coffee.
Thats what you have prepared.
The moment you walk up to Neha.
Your brain says
bye.
'Listen Neha...
Do you eat <i>Kanda Poha</i>?
Will you bear my babies?
Two dark babies, boom boom.
Ajay, Vijay! Oh!
We will use rhyming
words to name our kids.
We will write poetry with our kids.
Four guys on stage.
Brains dont know what hands are up to.
But they have watched the Iron Maiden video.
So their expression is... Yeah!
Having fun, yeah!
Ghosh spun a drumstick.
It flew away.
He spun the other one.
It flew away.
Back to tabla.
<i>Ta dhin dhin dha...</i>
Joseph said, Wow!
Drums are fucking up.
I should do something to save this.
He took his guitar and
put his foot on the amplifier.
guitar noises
We thought he might save us.
That very moment the sound guy shouted,
Hey dumbfucker!
Remove your foot.
Every year guys in
IIT Kharagpur ruin my amplifier.
Inside, we were nervous.
But inside, Kamlesh was Dettol.
He doesnt give a fuck.
He saw a girl and said,
Excuse me girl,
this song is dedicated to you.
That girl and her friends
walked out immediately.
Trying to hold them back.
Kamlesh is showing off.
<i>Welcome to the Hotel Sa Sa Re Ga...</i>
Judges were confused.
Are they bad or are we old?
What is going on?
There is self-doubt.
Kamlesh was gulping down the Dettol.
Security guard said,
Sir, whisky not allowed.
He said, Dettol.
Security guard was shocked.
He retired.
I have seen everything.
I cannot comprehend anymore.
My brain is popcorn now.
I was happily playing
Happy birthday to you.
Jack and Jill went up the hill...
All the nursery rhymes I knew.
<i>Daya kar daan bhakti
ka humein parmatma dena...</i>
After I played this for thirty minutes,
the sound guy said,
Excuse me, your guitar is not connected.
'That is the perfect dream.'
We continued for half an hour.
After us, forty-eight
professional bands performed.
And we waited for the results.
Which brings us to the next segment.
Its called jokes without friends.
These jokes have no
narrative from one to other.
There is no flow to them.
Random jokes.
They are on their own.
They came to me in lonely nights of 2016.
And said we came all alone.
I was like I relate.
So I will do the jokes.
Many times when you...
I love travelling from
place to place.
And some of you might have
taken an Uber here.
And everytime you book an Uber
they will use the lowest form of
technology available to them.
They have the location.
They will never use it.
They will call you.
Hellaa!
They never say hello.
Hellaa!
They will never start with hello,
they are talking to somebody else...
Ayyyyy... Hellaaa!
Who is there in your taxi?
Do you have friends everywhere you drive?
I am assuming you dropped somebody.
"Did you murder... Hella!"
The next line they will always say perfectly.
The moment you say, Hello!
Yes sir!
Where do we have to come?
So you just dont know how to say hello.
"Hellaa!"
'You have to come to the location.'
"Location?"
'No. Stay there.
Ill come to you in an Ola.'
We will go together.'
But I dont blame them.
Everytime you ask people
to give you some landmark.
If you ask your friends to come
to a landmark and call you.
They will come near the landmark
theyll call you.
When you ask them,
What can you see?
They will tell you some shit thats
damn close to your house
but you have never heard of.
"Yes. So what can you see around?
Have you reached near Forum mall?"
- Yes I have reached near Forum mall."
"What can you see?"
- "I can see a dog.
A cat.
And a female serpent."
"How do you know the sex of the serpent?"
"She was dancing."
If you ask people on the streets for direction
they will always judge you.
You ask some uncle,
Where is Famous studio?
You want to go to Famous studio?
"Not really.
I roam around Mumbai
and enhancing my general knowledge.
Tell me where all can I go?"
"Have you seen the Sea Link?"
- "Understand the sarcasm, uncle."
People dont get sarcasm.
Have you noticed general knowledge
is always very specific.
"Everest is 11,343 feet tall."
Thats very specific.
Here is what general knowledge sounds like.
There exists Everest.
Very general.
Very knowledge.
One kind of people on the streets
that are very dangerous
are the auto drivers.
If you ask them to take you from
one side of Forum mall to another.
They will quote the highest fare
that they have rehearsed.
Like, 'I want to go from one side to another.
How much?'
"Five hundred and twenty seven rupees."
You are trying to negotiate.
Please take this five hundred
and twenty five rupees, please.
Dont try that shit.
They are used to that.
Which is why, you just agree.
Fucks them up.
'Will you go to Forum mall?'
- "Yes."
'How much is the fare?'
- Five hundred and twenty seven rupees.
'Lets go.'
- "What?"
"Where near Forum Mall?
- 'Police station, fucker.'
Lets talk about something else that we
have in common.
We all love cricket. Yes cricket.
Its really nice. Wow. Cricket.
I asked one of my friends,
"Are you Dhonis fan?"
He said, No, I am Kohli's fan."
I said you can be a fan of both.
They dont even know that you exist.
Why are you being faithful
in your
one-dimensional hypothetical relationship?
Its in your own head.
"How would Dhoni feel?"
Do you think Dhoni is
sitting at your window?
Whats he watching on TV?
Hes got shit to do.
I dont get sports.
Sports to me is a futile exercise
in thermodynamics.
Because people come, they do things in circles,
go back home.
Every four years Olympics happens,
I cant stand it.
I get really angry.
I want to start productive Olympics.
Do something.
Everytime.
I can lift 200kgs.
I will leave it here and go.
Come to my building.
Lift two cylinders.
You shall get paid.
One sport that I dont
like in particular is gymnastics.
Gymnastics is not a sport.
Its a warm up exercise
stretched for too long.
Because at the end of
every sport something happens.
These gymnasts...
"Ummm, ummm, yeah!
Okay, yeah! Okay.
Bye."
Who will play tennis?
I bought popcorn already.
Why dont you stretch at home and come.
Their PT sir didnt teach them a thing.
He did not even know,
how to play any game.
He would always say...
1,2,3,4...
But people are mad about sports.
Recently there was a film made on Dhoni.
That teaser had come.
They made a film on Dhoni named Dhoni.
In the teaser of the film, Dhoni
is sitting on Kharagpur platform no. 8.
Train is approaching.
And Dhoni is thinking.
Sushant Singh Rajput is playing Dhoni.
Dhoni is thinking.
I dont know what he is thinking.
If the ball comes catch it.
What if balls comes?
Then catch it.
My hipster friend watches this film
and he's like,
"Bro, this film isnt realistic at all."
I asked why?
He said, Kharagpur has no platform no. 8.
I said, 'Bro if you look closely,
thats not Dhoni either.'
Why is your problem
with symbolism specific?
Why dont you have a problem
with the general idea of symbolism?
People compare reality to fiction.
Because people dont get fiction.
People do anything.
People will often say this.
Reality is stranger than fiction.
Have you heard this?
Reality is stranger than fiction.
I dont agree.
Show me one panda which can do Kung Fu.
One.
I have two sequels
and a holiday edition too.
Has God ever emerged in your house?
Reality is stranger than fiction.
They read random articles and say this.
My friend read this article...
The article said, Man kisses Cobra
many times.
Dies when Cobra kisses back.
Strange.
But Kung Fu Panda has
a teacher who is a mouse.
Whose teacher was a tortoise.
Whose adopted child was a lion.
What is stranger?
What people mean to say, when they say
reality is stranger than fiction is this.
They mean to say...
The writer cant even imagine the things
that happen in reality to pen them down.
Thats what they mean to say.
Such strange things happen
that the writer just cant write.
So strange, wow!
As a writer I take offence.
I can write.
But you can't read it.
I will write a full book.
400 pages only with g.
Only g not even vowels.
And on the last page, cow dung.
Not the word,
I'll literally put cow dung over there.
What is this?
Strange enough for you, motherfucker.
People have very low
bar for entertainment.
That is why I don't have to do much.
People are entertained by fountains.
The earth is taking a leak.
People are happy.
They started missing the fountain
during the night, so they lit it.
Red, blue.
"Wow! It's looking great.
Was missing this at night.
This revolution against gravity
that water is doing."
People hate gravity.
Thats basically what it is.
People just enjoy saying
fuck you to gravity.
They basically want to swing
and say 'fuck you' to gravity.
Thats all.
When the child is born, what do you buy?
Cradle.
Why?
When the baby is born,
it cries, so we will put it in the cradle.
It will work.
Baby is born.
Why am I born?
Oh! I am swinging in the cradle.
Then when he gets sick of that axis,
father takes him in his arms
and swings him up and down.
Wow! Fuck you gravity.
Amusement park is the answer
to what if dad was an industry?
They made all these rides
only to say fuck you to gravity.
Sitting on those rides...
Fuck you, gravity.
Asshole, gravity.
What wrong has gravity done to you?
Sitting on the merry go round...
Fuck you, gravity.
Potential energy, kinetic energy, wow!
What a genius!
That is what they do.
When they sit on a seesaw...
"Give me some potential energy, bro.
Take bro.
What did you tell gravity?
Oh gravity, are you shy?
Oh!"
The second thing we love is sex
because that is two people pendulum.
Love that shit.
And if you are ugly
you dont get much of it.
And I am ugly. I know this.
And it is not my problem.
Its your problem.
You are facing this direction
after paying money.
Not my problem at all.
When some people are ugly what they do is,
they cover it up with good clothes.
Forget the face, look at
the wonderful clothes I am wearing.
I dont get that shit.
I dont care.
I was born wearing jeans and t-shirt.
I was born in a hospital.
Nurse asked me, Diaper?
I said no.
Please give me a swing.
But some people...
I don't get it.
I have a friend.
All my friends wear jeans t-shirt.
A friend outside our circle
invited me for his wedding.
He said, Please come!
I went.
He asked me to wear Indian clothes.
So I wore jeans and t-shirt
and went for the wedding.
At the wedding everyone wore <i>chudidar,
lehanga, Punjabi, dhoti, lungi.</i>
Happily singing,
Its my friends wedding today...
He asked me,
Why arent you wear Indian clothes?
I told him I am wearing Indian
clothes you are wearing history.
Get out and see,
everyone is wearing jeans and t-shirt.
The times of Raja Ram Mohan Roy are gone.
You have remained.
The second argument.
When you ask people,
why do you fashion?
Regardless of the gender
they will say this,
I do it for myself.
I do it for myself."
Yes, but I am the one who must see.
Ninety nine percent of
the light reflected from
your clothes are coming into my eyes.
If my eyes were here
it would have been alright.
But your eyes are here.
You didnt even see what
you are wearing since morning.
Final argument.
They'll say,
"I am making a fashion statement.
I am making statement with fashion, oooo!"
Slap!
Why are Hindi,
English, Devnagri, Java, C++,
dictionary, thesaurus there
if you wanted to make a vague statement?
What is that you can't
state with a language
that you want to state with your clothes?
Gandhi is protesting.
Simon go back, Simon go back!
Simon didnt get it.
You came in a V-neck and <i>dhoti</i>.
Oh I understand.
Thank you guys, Ill leave.
V for vuck off.
I know.
Every show I tell people they say,
"What is this?
What is this?
Hella!"
If this doesnt make you laugh
then I dont know what fuck will.
I know what will.
See, everyone understands sex jokes.
Not met a person in my motherfucking
life who doesnt like sex jokes.
Everybody's like, "Oh I am sophisticated.
Sex. Ha ha ha ha!
Penis, vagina! Oh ho!"
Look I am ugly.
I use a tactic.
What am I going to do in life?
I will have sex with everyone.
Then nobody can call me ugly.
You are ugly.
Then why did you have sex with me?
This was my strategy
until I was twenty
two.
Because now I have realised that
the return on investment
of having sex is very low.
One has to invest for
the first three months.
"Wow! Right swipe.
Whatte!
Hi, Hello!
Yeah, I like that band.
Which band is this?
Yeah yeah, I like that artist.
What is art?"
Finally you meet in some restaurant.
Have dinner.
Fucking impressed.
Yeah yeah, impressed.
Then you split the bill because feminism.
Now...
Do it.
It's true.
Do it, fucker.
Do not clap!
Every penny should be split
otherwise I will fuck you up.
I will personally come and
see in every restaurant.
I'll stalk you.
Waiter will explode and I will appear.
Split the bill. Go home.
Beautiful ambience light. Melodious music.
Have sex.
Your reward lasts for three seconds.
I dont want to have sex.
What? I dont want to have sex any more.
On a deposit of one crore rupees
you get an interest of one rupee.
And a 30% tax on that.
Was it good for you?
I dont want to do it.
Now I am happy by knowing
that I can have sex.
I go to girls.
And Im like, Can we sex?
And if they say yes.
I say bye.
I dont want to.
If you give a man an orgasm
he is happy for three seconds.
Give a man consent
he can masturbate for life.
I know somebody will tweet to me
after this, saying Biswa is a sexist pig.
Maybe I am sexist.
But what did the pig do?
Pig is joyously devouring excreta.
Great.
I know.
Some of you are uncomfortable.
Let me make you more.
Dick pics are wrong and
you should not send them.
Okay.
Thats the disclaimer.
The umbrella under
which this joke functions.
Do not disagree with that.
However I think dick pics do
have a silver lining
if the flash is on.
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Some people used brains.
Other are like...
Whats this? Please slap a
slapstick punchline and I shall laugh.
Why is this show a commentary on itself?
This comedian is too self aware.
And now I am too.
Should not send dick pics.
Because...
See.
There is a silver lining to a dick pic...
If someone sends a dick pic,
it saves time.
Rather than lying for four
years that I am your friend.
As soon as you have a breakup,
I want to sex you.
Better option is...
send a dick pic.
Immediate rejection.
You should not do it but I am saying
like there is some silver lining.
Sending dick pics is wrong because...
Consent.
When you send a dick pic
somebody has to see it without consent.
So one afternoon you are writing
a software and suddenly
a dick.
I dont want to see it.
Why should you not send dick pics?
Instead, write dick pic
and send a link.
Whoever wants to see it will see.
With consent.
I had written dick pic,
what did you expect, a bear?
Most brands want to stay
away from anything sexual.
We want to pretend
like everything is nice.
Like there are no curse words.
They think there are
no curse words in this world.
They want to show everything is nice.
Like there is a new product
in the market, instant noodles.
Its tagline,
Beat up hunger.
I think brands should be honest.
Your first line of creativity is honesty.
You want to talk to the youth,
talk honestly.
Your tagline should be,
Instant noodles...
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
Who will not try?
When guys in hostels are hungry
and they dont know what to eat.
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
He will eat that only.
All food is poison but this man is honest.
I am so inspired by this idea
that I want to start my
chain of restaurants called <i>Le Bencho</i>.
I will position it as a French restaurant
Next to every Au Bon Pain,
we'll have <i>Le Bencho</i>.
When the Queen of England comes in,
and she asks for Indian food.
<i>Le Bencho Kha</i>.
You took our spices
now bear the curse words.
Thats the end of that segment.
You may applaud if you desire so.
The final story is about me
like the rest of this fucking show.
This is a story about
me trying to be cool.
Like the rest of the fucking show.
This story takes place in eighth
standard right after sixth standard.
And this story is about me
trying to be cool by playing sports.
As you know,
sports is great.
Sports is the ultimate way of being cool.
Like in international cricket
there are 11 players who play cricket.
In domestic cricket
there are eleven players
who play cricket and a guy
who picks up the ball from the drain.
Yours truly, always.
I was born like this.
I always used to take out
the ball from the drain hoping
that some day they will
make me a part of the team.
But they never did.
When I was born, they said,
Go get the ball from the drain.
I said, 'I just came into this world.'
You can talk.
You also wear jeans and t-shirt.
So why cant you get
the ball from the drain?
Why are you guys so surreal?
But I used to dream a lot.
Whenever Ganguly hit a century,
I used to think,
What is this?
Only 100 runs in 50 overs?
When I will play cricket,
I will hit a six on every single ball.
Sixes on 300 balls.
That would make a total score of 1800.
My friend said,
Excuse me, actually batting
changes after every over.
I said, 'Oh no problem.
In every alternative over
six sixes in each ball,
a total score of 900.'
He said, Oh okay! Why dont
you hit six on every first five balls
and a single on every last ball?
I said, 'Oh nice, thirty one.
Thirty one multiplied by fifty.
1550.'
He said, Yeah but why are you taking
a single run on the last ball?
Hit a six.
I said cool.
Fifteen fifty six.
He said, No.
You are taking only 49 singles now.
I agreed, 'Yes fifteen fifty five.'
He said, Good, now get
the ball from the drain.
This was me.
And I used to sit on the last bench
because of very popular
public policy height wise.
Indian education system couldnt
come up with sloped classrooms
so they came up with sloped children.
If your genetics are good, go to the back.
No need to listen just
watch a Charlie Chaplin film.
All the boys who used to sit with me
in the class had failed and reached there.
They had failed many times.
They started from the first row.
They failed. Shifted to second row.
Failed again. Third row.
Failed again. Fourth row.
And all had dark skin for some reason.
If you are insoluble in Indian education system
you will slowly precipitate.
Slowly you will reach the last bench.
I don't even know their fucking names.
We'll call them Deepak.
We'll call them Deepak.
All dark skinned.
Hair on the chest, so long
which they cut in the classroom.
While history teacher is teaching,
these guys object.
Shah Jahan made Taj Mahal
in the memory of Mumtaz.
No madam, since she died he dedicated
it for good PR.
How do you know?
I was there.
All the six Deepaks are sitting.
There is no hope in their lives.
They are in eighth standard
and their child is in seventh standard.
Son.
They talk during the recess.
Why did you copy my signature?
But papa my name is Deepak too.
These are Deepaks.
Even life, doesnt respect them.
There was one more character, PT sir.
In Indian schools PT teachers
dont get any respect.
Nobody respects him.
Because PT teacher
tries to show off so hard.
Maths teacher teaches 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8.
PT teacher comes in the
morning and says, 1,2,1...
1,2,1.
Hey you should say left right left.
Why are you trying to show off binary?
This is...
This 1,2,3,4.
This is 1,2,1.
But PT teacher wont understand.
He just doesnt understand anything.
It is early winter morning.
PT teacher says, Attention.
Students stand straight.
PT teacher says, Stand at ease.
We were standing at ease earlier.
Why you raised false alarm, bitch?
And what kind of resting position is this?
I am not feeling rested at all.
This is very close to attention guys.
You should come to my house
to know how I rest.
At least horizontal.
Then he says, Easy.
I can only shake my hands with ease.
I thought, 'Till I have my underpants on,
I can not stand with ease.'
PT teacher.
That is why everyone used
to gossip about PT teachers affair.
They will find somebody.
Do you know that PT teacher
and English madam are full on.
Full on.
Nobody exactly knew what full on meant.
What is the exact sexual process?
No sex education.
No nothing.
But full on.
Deepaks used to explain their juniors.
Do you know last year, full on?
Our PT teacher was fed up.
He was a short guy, curly hair,
four feet, fed up.
He said, I want to do
something useful in life.
One day he got an idea.
There was an interschool basketball
championship coming up near our school.
He said, We will participate.
We will make our school team.
And win the trophy.
But...
He came up with a genius idea.
He was like,
I want to do something that has never
been tried in basketball history before.
I will make a team of
tall people.
What a genius!
Then he went and jerked off for two hours.
Wow!
I am such a genius.
Then he came back.
And thanks to popular
public policy height wise.
His dialogue was reduced to one line,
He came into the classroom and said,
Come on last bench. Lets go.
All the Deepaks and I left.
Then he said,
You are part of the sports team.
I had a spark in my eyes.
I said, 'Sir where is the drain?'
I will get into it.
I will churn the ocean.
You throw a ball,
I will bring back three balls.
Professional level drain.
I will get in from the
drain and come out of the tap.
What you know PT teacher?
I am genius.
PT teacher said,
You are part of the team.
You and all Deepaks are parts of the team.
Deepaks got excited.
Sir, are you trying to tell us
that we have to do something
other than disappoint?
PT teacher said, Yes, you
have to put the ball in the basket.
Deepaks went mad.
At that point we realised that
within the radius of 20 km from our school...
It was such a small town.
There was not one basketball court
next to our school.
But PT teacher was full of positivity.
Short heighted man.
This short.
He took a rod.
Turned it and fixed it in the wall.
He said, Where there is a wall,
there is a basketball.
We said, Idiot you could have
learnt something from English madam.
You dont even know the basic proverbs.
Will you spend your
entire life by saying 1,2,1?
He got a football and said,
Put it in the basket.
The basket was right here
so me and Deepaks put
the ball in the basket.
PT teacher jerked off for another two hours.
He said, What a genius idea.
I knew this tall people
gamble will pay off.
He said, Do something creative.
So we threw the ball
from under the basket.
He said, Wow!
What a...
This time he went and had sex.
Then he said, Lets not delay.
Lets go to the interschool
basketball championship,
play and come back as winners.
I told ma that I am going to
play and will come back with the trophy.
Ma said,
You dont have a future in sports.
I said you will see.
Slippers on my feet,
half pants,
football in the hand
and eyes full of dreams.
Six Deepaks and I,
sat on a Swaraj Mazda.
To sink our dreams.
If you dont know Swaraj Mazda.
Look it up.
Swaraj Mazda is basically
one day an auto and a
truck had a one night stand.
A car came out which always
got confused at the toll booth.
Am I heavy or am I light?
Swaraj Mazda.
Choice of vehicle for
all kinds of immersions.
Sentence too complex.
Now, we reached the place.
DPS, Nalco Nagar.
Where, for the first time,
we saw a basketball.
Then we saw a basket.
Then we saw two baskets.
We said, Oh fuck!
PT teacher said, Dont worry
you are tall, basket is tall
this is not the game we had
expected but this is a game we deserve.
We said, Dark Knight hasnt been
written yet and you know the dialogues?
He said its the English teacher.
We were astonished, How
can you connect everything?
Too surreal PT teacher.
Then the other team arrived.
We were looking at this.
Their team came.
In their team everyone was
wearing jerseys, sports shoes.
And everyone had their names
on their jerseys.
Aakash, Prakash, Vijay.
They were wearing shoes.
We said, What kind of idiots are these?
They will take time
to take off their shoes.
We are ready.
There were four cheer leaders with each player.
Four cheer leaders with each player.
They cheered, "Wohoo..."
Game didnt even start... Wohoo!
What an annoying noise.
Wohoo is the worst motivational
speech in the fucking world.
What is this?
If somebody is dying and
you do Wohoo,
his ghost will do wohoo in your kitchen everyday.
Fucking wohoo!
How irritating!
Are you a human or a cuckoo bird?
Wohoo!
I get so pissed.
I think we should fit
it in every ambulance.
People will immediately
give way to others.
Someone is going on a road.
From behind wohoo.
Go fucker.
Save your old man.
Go live your life.
Wohoo, Wohoo, Wohoo!
Fucking hate that shit.
Then...
We saw that everybody were
not tall in their team.
Some were tall. Some were short.
We were like, look at this.
Dont know the basic laws.
This is unpopular
public policy skill wise.
Soon to be decimated by
popular public policy height wise.
The match began.
The ball went up.
And then never came in our hands.
They were passing the ball to each other.
We said, Give it to us.
Guests are equal to Gods.
We have come from far.
Our eyes full of dreams.
If you dont give us the
ball how are we going to play?
They kept playing with the ball.
Dribble dribble dribble.
We said, Guys this is a
basketball and not a yo-yo ball.
Why are you throwing it to the ground?
Ball, basket, shortest distance.
We know it from state board.
How can you be doing this from CBSE board?
They just wouldn't give us the ball.
So one of our teammates
went and tried to take the ball.
He made a foul.
Referee blew the whistle.
We were playing such
a lousy game that...
the cheer leaders left.
The cheer leaders fucking left.
Have you ever been so ugly
that somebody else had a break up?
Have you ever been so cursed that
someone elses marriage
broke because of you?
Priest sees you and surrenders,
"I cant do it any more.
My career is over.
I cannot perform any more marriages.
Throw flowers at him,
How ugly!
Why do you have teeth
coming out of your eyes?
Too ugly.
One of the Deepaks just couldnt stand it.
Alright.
They were not giving us the ball.
Cheer leaders had walked off.
There was no motivation left in his life.
He said, I want the ball.
The guy from the opposite team
was running away dribbling the ball.
"Oh! Career ahead.
Oh privilege."
He was running.
Deepak went and he touched him.
Not much.
He said, Rules are only
applicable if you are afraid.
I dont give a fuck.
Deepak only touched him.
The other guy fell to the ground.
Oh, I am dead.
Oh my God, what a f...
I have fractured my neck.
Hey!
And I dont doubt him
because you have to understand.
Deepak from state board
has been beaten up by headmaster,
principal. Even PT teacher has thrashed him.
All the Deepaks used to beat him up.
Even his own kid used to slap him.
Shah Jahan had also beaten him.
Even I have beaten him.
The ball has also beaten him.
Deepaks bones are very strong.
Full of calcium.
Full of stalactite, stalagmite.
Meanwhile Aakash from CBSE board
has only experienced hugs and kisses.
Deepak touched once and
natural selection took over.
Oh, I am going to die.
You should not have been born
at the first place as Darwin said."
Deepak, what English man!
Well, I was Darwins friend.
Cheer leaders...
Cheer leaders took Aakash on a stretcher.
Wohoo, wohoo, wohoo!
Four cheer leaders took him away.
Full road was empty.
Hypothesis proven.
Deepak dont give a fuck.
Deepak said, I must score a basket.
Match was over.
He said, We have come so far,
I must score a basket.
Deepak took the ball.
We all cheered, Deepak! Deepak!
They are also Deepaks.
Deepak took the ball and threw it.
The ball crossed the basket.
It crossed DPS, Nalco Nagar.
And with all our dreams,
the ball went into the drain.
Thank you guys you
have been an amazing audience.
Give it up for yourselves.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Alright.
Thank you guys.
Anything else you all need to know?
Thank you very much
for coming for the show.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Clap for yourselves.
Thank you!
Drive safe. Good night.