Blonde Ambition (1981) Movie Script
1
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Latin Quarter Rhythms,
Starring the incredible Kane Sisters.
Ah, success, that most coveted
of all the earthly prizes.
Tonight, it belongs
to the Kane Sisters.
Tonight, these twin meteors
streak upon the Broadway horizon,
Making the Great White Way
a full magnitude brighter
By their radiance.
Indeed, one wonders
how we ever found our way
Along Schubert Alley
without stumbling
n the semi-darkness.
Why these two?
What magical combination
of ingredients,
What divine blending
of resources, have made
Their meteoric ascendance inevitable?
Perhaps a peek into the past
will offer some answers?
When Horace Greeley said,
"Go west, young man,"
he meant that the West
Was where opportunity
and the future lay.
Although he might not have had
Coyote Fang,
Wyoming, specifically in mind,
t nonetheless illustrates
the validity of his vision.
Hey, Flo,
can I walk you home tonight?
I already got a date, Harry,
and you can stick it in your dog.
Here, we find the pioneer personality
in its pristine state.
The determination, the stamina,
the nobility of character,
Which fashions a civilization
out of a wilderness.
What'll it be, gents?
Oh, the master will have a beer.
Anything imported.
Bottle of Buffalo piss, please.
It is here we find our heroines,
like so many
of history's great theatrical names,
Developing and polishing
their talents in the provinces.
Talent, yes, that is the first
essential ingredient of success.
Talent.
What was that noise?
-That was applause, honey.
-Really?
It sounded like a horse
running through a barn.
It was rather nice, though, wasn't it?
It sure was.
You should've seen the horse.
-Was he cute?
-Dollar signs, baby.
Oh.
Just the kind of guy
I could lay a spread for.
Sugar, we got to get out
of this dump.
Arnie said if we could hang on
for six more weeks,
He'd get us a weekend in Moorhead,
Minnesota, remember?
At the bowling alley.
We're not hanging on
for six more weeks.
When Arnie calls tonight,
I'm going to straighten him out.
Either he gets us
a booking in New York,
Or we sign with old man Stucky.
-Agreed?
-Agreed.
Who wants to play Moorhead, anyway?
You can tell Arnie for me
That a bird in your hand
isn't worth two in your bush.
Come on, Big Boy, one more swallow.
I'll be so glad to get out of this dump.
Hi, Luke.
-Hi, darling
-Hi.
Oh, shit.
That's what it is, honey.
Can I use your cloth, Luke?
Hey, Sugar, that's my shirt.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll see if I can find a rag.
I wonder what the Greyhound
costs in New York.
I suppose we could sell a few things.
Flo would love that bow of yours.
I found a rag.
Maybe we should just get rid
Of all these costumes
and get new ones.
We should definitely get
new costumes.
-Oh.
-This rag has seen better days.
This rag's doing just fine.
How's Big Boy today?
Did he take his tonic?
I finally got him to swallow it.
-Did he spit it up?
-Not yet.
You can say that again.
-What's in that stuff, anyway?
-Pig's milk and berries.
-And he swallows it?
-Trick is to get it in
as far as you can.
Can't you take that hat off
when we're making love?
Now, Sugar, honey.
You know how I feel
about my hair, or lack of it.
Well, I don't see why.
You know what they say,
there may not be grass on the roof,
But there's definitely fire
in the stove pipe.
Hello?
Chin, I have a collect call
from Chicago for Ms. Candy Cane.
Ms. Candy,
you got long distance telephone.
I'm coming.
It must be from Mr. Arnie.
It's a collect call.
That bastard.
I need some change.
Have you got anything, Luke?
Feels like 10 inches.
-Help yourself.
-I am.
Imagine the nerve calling collect.
That hard nose son of a bitch.
Who's a hard nose son of a bitch?
You are.
Hello?
Yes, operator,
I'll accept the charges.
Hello?
Hello, Arnie.
What's the big idea calling collect?
You know how it is, kid.
I'm a little tight.
You're a little tight?
Tight, isn't it?
Listen, you little weasel,
Either you get us out of here,
or we're going to sign with Stucky.
Stucky?
-Stucky.
-Fuck me.
Well, as a matter of fact,
The reason I'm calling is I've got
this great job lined up for you.
Where?
Moorhead?
Moorhead?
More head.
Look, this is the big time, sweetie,
and I'm not talking about Chicago.
This is the Big Apple, New York City.
Go on.
It's called...
Crackers.
It's the big break
we've been waiting for, baby.
Now, hear me out.
It's a sort of a showcase, you know,
And there's a small fee involved,
but it's worth every penny.
I mean, everybody who's anybody's
going to be there.
You are bound to be seen
by some very important people.
What kind of fee?
A hundred bucks.
A hundred bucks?
Listen, Arnie, are you trying to --
Screw me.
Screw me! Yes!
Go to New York and give it a try.
Well, who do we send the fee to?
You'd better let me handle it.
Mail it in -Out.
In and out. All right.
-All right, but this better be
on the up and up.
-And up! And up!
Charging! Charging!
What's the charges?
New York.
-What a --
-Fuck.
Hey, Candy,
I just came in to get you.
We got a big spender
out front tonight,
And he wants you and Sugar
to come out and join him.
Listen, Oscar,
I just got off the phone with how big a spender?--
He's tipping Flo with $20 bills.
That guy in the front row?
Yeah. He's got quite a wad.
I saw it.
We'll be right in.
A hundred dollars, Candy,
And that doesn't even cover
the bus ticket.
Honey, we're about to float a loan.
Huh?
Hi,
fellas.
Hello.
Ladies, may I introduce
Mr. Stephen Carlisle III?
Really?
I never knew a third before,
but I did meet a junior once.
I'm Candy, this is Sugar.
We're the Kane sisters.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Eric, ma'am.
Pleasure, Mr. Ma'am.
No, no, no, no. It's just Eric, ma'am.
Oh.
Won't you sit down?
Would you like a drink?
Whatever you're having.
I thought your singing
this evening was lovely.
Thank you.
-It was our farewell performance.
-Really?
Yes, we're moving
to a club in New York.
Perhaps you've heard of it.
It's called Crackers.
No.
No, I don't believe so.
Oh, well, it's new.
Hasn't been open very long.
But very in, if you know what I mean.
I must make it a point
to come see you.
When are you leaving?
Well, we have a few loose ends
to tie up here.
We've got to get our bus tickets.
Maybe Tuesday.
Bus tickets?
Eric.
Sorry, sir.
We decided to bus it,
Because we need some money
for new costumes.
You know how it is.
Thanks, cutie.
Hey, Flo, you forgot the change.
Oh, never mind.
Heavens, you must be loaded.
Could you loan us $100?
-Sugar.
-Oh, please. She's charming.
How would
$200 be?
Oh, no, we couldn't.
Why not?
There's a simple question.
Why not?
You can pay me back, y'know.
I'll be in New York.
In fact, why don't you come with us?
Eric and I are flying back
as soon as the car is fixed.
You're having me on.
One can't fly in a car.
When the car is fixed,
we are driving it to the airport.
Oh.
My jet's in Canyon City.
Your jet?
Yes.
Are you terribly impressed?
-Yes.
-Good.
-Then you'll come.
-Oh, boy, will we come.
What on earth are you doing
with a jet plane in Wyoming?
The master has been here on business.
I was retrieving
the Buckingham Brooch.
The Buckingham Brooch?
I read about it in the newspaper.
Some dizzy dame dropped it
down a mineshaft in 1882
And they found it again last week.
Correct. That dizzy dame
Was my great-great aunt
on my mother's side.
And she didn't drop it.
She threw it down the shaft.
It seems she was upset
with my great-great uncle
At the time.
He must've been furious.
So you're over here to pick it up?
I already have it.
-Would you like to see it?
-Love to.
Ladies.
The Buckingham Brooch.
Good grief.
It's gorgeous.
It's exactly the same as mine.
I was going to loan it
to Flo tonight,
Because she's got a date.
This is guaranteed to get you laid.
I got it from a gypsy at a carnival.
It's an accurate copy,
but not nearly as valuable.
You're telling me.
She only paid a buck and a half?
I did not say your wife
had a wart on her twat.
I said it felt like one!
Oh, what a mess.
I'm sorry about the roughhousing.
You know how it is.
They've gone and got dirt
all over your lovely brooch.
That one's yours.
Oh, thank heavens
they didn't break it.
-Your car's ready.
-Oh, good. Thank you.
-Well, are you coming?
-You bet.
-Where are you going?
-To New York.
You can't.
I've got a contract.
Oscar, you haven't paid us
for two weeks.
Consider that your two weeks' notice.
It's sure going to be hard
without you, Sugar.
Oh, Luke, darling.
If I thought it was going
to be hard all the time,
I wouldn't go at all.
-You promise to write?
-Every day.
And you promise to keep up
your scientific study
On Big Boy
and I know he'll be back
n the saddle
in no time at all.
Oh, Sugar, baby.
-Sugar!
I've got to be going.
The others are waiting for me.
Wish me luck, honey.
When I make it big,
I'll send for you.
You already made it big, baby.
How long will you be in New York?
Just overnight.
I'll fly back for your opening.
Wouldn't you just stay here
in the States for a while?
No, I'm afraid not.
Aunt Sybil is quite anxious
to get the brooch back home.
She's planning to auction it off
At a big charity do
for the orphans of Penzance.
Oh, I see.
I really think you'd like Aunt Sybil.
She's really very sweet...
when it comes to the orphans.
Did you ever screw on a plane?
I did it in a boat once
and I had to do all the rowing.
Would you like to see
the rest of the plane?
My private quarters are in the back.
I do wish I'd brought the big one.
The big one?
It was a big one.
You know what they say,
all good things come in big packages.
Well, enough about me.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I did it in a rickshaw once.
That was when the master
was in the Orient.
Sideways?
-The rickshaw?
-I really should have it redecorated.
Oh, no, it's quite nice.
Very comfortable.
Would you like to lie down?
Would you?
She was taking a class
in Oriental cooking.
Oh, I love to eat.
Tell me your favorite recipe.
Oh, steak and lychee nuts.
Fu Manchu.
How do you make it?
You take your meat and you pound it.
Am I getting better?
Oh, much.
Oh, good.
You brown it lightly.
Dip the nuts into oil.
Salt to taste.
Beat it.
Beat it while it's hot.
Put the cream in.
See if it's wet enough.
Put it in the oven for an hour.
Pull it out and put butter on top.
It serves six.
Oh, is our billing up yet?
The club isn't even up yet.
Eric, are you sure
this is the right address?
Positive, sir. Positive.
This is the right address, all right.
That bastard Arnie
was trying to rob us.
Well, thank heavens
we didn't really send him
The hundred dollars.
What are we going to do now?
Well, here we are.
Oh, isn't it lovely?
What a beautiful view.
You can stay here
until you find a place and get a job.
There's plenty of food,
and I'll give you
A couple of signed checks
in case you need them.
You can't do that.
Why, you don't even know us.
Well, I know you well enough,
And I'd like to get
to know you better.
What do you want to know?
Nothing, at the moment.
Oh, I've got to call Aunt Sybil
and let her know
That everything's under control.
You'll find a guest room upstairs.
Eric will bring your luggage.
Hello.
Let me speak to Aunt Sybil, please.
Lady Buckingham's residence.
Oh, very good, sir.
It's for you, Madame.
Hello.
Stephen, darling, where are you?
Did you get the brooch?
Good. Coyote Fang?
How vivid.
When are you coming?
That should put you in
about midnight.
I'll have Edward
leave cookies and milk.
Stephen, the room is gorgeous.
The bed doesn't even squeak.
Stephen, dear, who's there?
I hear voices.
Feminine voices.
Did you really?
Who are they?
Never heard of them.
Oh, they sing, do they?
Oh, tell me, dear,
what else do they do?
Dig for gold?
Of course I'm only joking.
I know the gold diggers went out
with Christine Keeler.
Oh, listen, darling,
I've really got to run.
Annie and Charlie actually gave up
a horse show to come to tea.
Do take care,
and I'll see you at
Breakfast.
Ta-ta.
Edward.
Edward, get me my lawyer in New York.
Kane Sisters.
Ha.
Phony names if I've ever heard them.
No, they're not going to get
their claws into my nephew.
I'm the last person
who's going to fuck her way
nto this family.
Lyle, darling, I need your help.
Can you get me the name
of that detective in New York?
Oh, what was his name?
You know, the one that put
Miss Subways out of business.
Oh, you must mean Max.
That's it, that's it, Max.
Can you get me Max?
I want him to check out two women
staying in my nephew's apartment
n New York.
They may be after his money.
Sybil, it's all going to be
his some day, anyway.
Well, it's mine now, and Stephen
Simply cannot keep his head
when it comes to women.
You remember
that unfortunate business
n Bangkok?
Well, my dear, she was nothing
but your common,
Garden variety cocksucker.
God knows what these two are.
Oh, and by the by,
I got your last tax thing
about my holdings.
Isn't that a bit exorbitant
For a few warehouses
and a Burger King?
Now, Sybil, those warehouses
are very profitable.
You've probably forgotten
the East River properties.
Now, don't concern yourself.
I'll send you
the new photographs immediately,
All right?
-Yes.
Oh, and tell Max
to get right on that case,
But darling,
do tell him to be careful.
These two are in show business.
Candy, what's a film loop?
You've got me.
They're looking
for 46 girls and a monkey.
What do you think?
You're not going to get
much billing with 46 girls.
I suppose not.
The monkey's probably the star.
What did Stephen say in his letter?
That he missed me.
Does Stephen have a big joint?
Big enough.
I get hot just thinking about it.
You should do what I do.
Suck a cock every day
And the hornies stay away.
That's what Luke taught me.
Mmm...cock.
You'd better come out of there.
You're going to get all prune-y.
I'm through.
Did the cleaning man come?
Yes. All over.
Did you find anything yet?
Now, here's a movie.
Miracle Pictures,
Ben Dover Producer.
True devotees of the live theater
Find cinema a slightly suspect medium
for serious art.
On occasion, however,
a producer of genius
Will create cinematic gems to please
even the harshest of critics.
Such a genius
is Ben Dover of Miracle Productions.
To him, we are eternally grateful
for preserving on film
The early efforts of our heroines
in a series of mini epics.
Who could forget Teenage Cookies?
That triumph of the art houses,
Type, You Typers.
Yes, that was a real sleeper.
The costumes
were particularly lovely.
Yes, we got to keep them too.
Then, there was
that little avant-garde piece,
Wild Gooseberries.
Not since Bergman has there been
Such sensitive handling
of a delicate theme.
My personal favourite
was Wet Cheerleaders,
A big campus spectacle
with a cast of thousands.
Ah, yes, they don't write them
like that anymore.
Success.
They owed it all to Ben.
Ben, you asshole.
I've been screwed up
one side of that loft
And down the other.
I've had it. No more.
Candy, relax.
I got a fantastic big movie
for you and Sugar.
What?
A real film?
Jesus Christ.
May my mother drop dead
if I'm lying to you.
Ugh.
They call these things turd curls.
Isn't that silly?
Who'd want to have turds
in their hair?
Well, a familiar face.
How are you?
I heard you're playing Brett.
I hear you're playing Harlot.
Congratulations.
It should be fun working on this one.
What do you think
of the new director?
Well, I hear he's pretty good.
Shit. He's done so many b-movies.
He gets fan mail from the Hornets.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
As you know,
we are shooting this film
n the Italian fashion.
-What's that?
Well, we're not going
to be using actual sound,
n order that I may speak to you
during the scenes.
You must, however,
Speak as you would normally
and we'll dub the lines in later.
Now, you, Petunia,
you have just one line,
But it is terribly important.
Have you learned it yet?
I'm working on it.
When Cissy says,
"The Yankees are coming," you say?
I got it right here.
"Ms. Melody,
What are we going to do?"
That's right.
Keep working on it, though.
Now, remember, pay no attention to me
when I'm talking to you.
Just do what I say.
This is a very simple little scene.
I'd like to get it done quickly,
because we are shooting
The Bombing of Atlanta
this afternoon.
Now, everyone to their places.
Listen, how about lunch next week?
Sure.
All right.
Quiet on the set.
Roll the titles.
Action.
The Yankees are coming.
Cut.
Not yet, you moron.
Get off the set.
I'll tell you when to come on.
Action.
Everyone titter.
Now, spread out your picnic clothes.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Where are my peacocks?
Where are the peacocks?
Two peacocks coming up.
Let the ladies open the baskets,
you big Cissy.
The Yankees are coming.
The Yankees are coming.
Not yet.
You called Cissy, you asshole.
"Ms. Melody,
What are we going to do?"
Ready for Ms. Harlot.
War, war, war.
That's all you men care about.
And me, so dry
I could pick cotton.
Good.
Now, put down the basket.
Ready on the gunshot?
Fire.
Wait here, Ms. Harlot.
Men, we better see you
fire that shot.
Well, I'll just go and see
if my Uncle and Auntie Belum
Have arrived.
Ms. Melody. Ms. Melody.
Oh, this line stinks.
Okay.
We're ready for the Yankees.
Now.
Put up a fight, girls.
Scream.
Struggle.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Ms. Melody --
Doggy.
Ass.
Fuck.
Missionary.
Lunch.
Cissy and Petunia, stand by.
Get out of here, you idiot.
Come on, boys.
I know you can do it.
Boys, I'm ready.
I want a cum shot,
Or none of you faggots get paid.
-Cissy.
-The Yankees are coming! The Yankees are coming!
How was that, you shithead?
Petunia, that's your cue!
Petunia?!
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?" Oh.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.
-You're fired.
-Oh.
"Dear Luke,
Candy and I just finished doing
one of those disaster pictures.
It was."
And so, thanks to the perseverance
Of my darling, devoted nephew,
Stephen Carlisle III,
The Buckingham Brooch had been returned
to its rightful home, at last.
And now, it gives me great pleasure
to announce
That the Buckingham Brooch will be placed
on public auction Saturday, with proceeds
To go to the darling
little orphans of Penzance.
We do all care
For the dear little orphans
of Penzance, don't we?
Now, if you would step out
into the garden,
Tea will be served
and I will pose for pictures.
Beg pardon, sir.
A letter just arrived.
It's from the girls.
Oh.
Oh, they'd like to stay on
for a few weeks more.
Oh, really, Stephen,
allowing those two girls
To stay on alone
in your apartment in New York?
Oh, Aunt Sybil.
Your mother would turn over
in her grave.
I'll get it.
Oh, there's nobody there.
Must have been a wrong number.
I'll get it this time.
Hi, come on in.
Well, I'm off
for another day's job hunting.
Wish me luck.
Candy, they moved the elevator.
They put it right down the hall.
-Oh, thank you. Bye-bye.
-So long.
Come on.
You got any new film work?
Not since that last disaster.
I trust you survived the epic?
Yeah. No scars, anyway.
Oh.
Let me be the judge of that.
Perseverance.
That crucial quality.
Ambition amounts
to nothing without it.
For contrary to popular belief,
Opportunity is under no obligation
whatsoever to knock on anyone's door.
It's been known to avoid
some neighborhoods completely.
The Buckingham Brooch,
what a stunning example of success.
What a noble gesture
On the part of Lady Buckingham
to put it up for auction.
The proceeds being donated
to her favorite charity.
Note, in passing,
the striking similarity
Between the brooch
and the rise of the Kane sisters.
This lovely piece,
in its original state,
Was merely crude platinum
and diamonds in the rough.
Something one would hardly cross the
mall to see,
But by a tasteful process
of selection, refinement,
And craftsmanship,
these base elements
Are transformed and fashioned
into a unique assemblage
Of beauty, grace, and dignity.
Stephen, darling,
do be a sweetheart
And fetch me a bromide.
All these people have given me
a frightful headache.
What I go through
For these dreadful Penzance brats.
-Action.
-Always charming as ever.
I'll get it, Ed,
but keep the line moving.
Keep the line moving.
Hello, Lady Buckingham here.
Max, what's the news?
You haven't anything to report?
What am I paying you for then?
Perhaps I don't need
a private detective.
Well, actually, I do have some news.
That's better.
I knew you'd come up with something.
They did what?
They propositioned you?
They're nothing but common hookers.
Of course I said no.
That's very interesting, Max.
Goodbye, Max.
Your check is on the way.
Thank you, Stephen.
Now, darling,
I need you here tomorrow
For the auction,
but come Sunday,
I want you to fly straight
to New York and evict those trollops
From your apartment.
-But Aunt Sybil, they're not --
-No buts. No buts.
Your career is at stake.
I will not have you scandalized.
Understand?
You are my heir.
Keep the line moving.
Keep it moving.
Sugar, what are you doing?
Just sight-seeing.
There's a casting
for the young and infested.
Candy, you should come out
and see the bulge on this guy.
Not now, honey, I'm reading.
Besides, they're gay.
So?
Cut them, do they not bleed?
Prick them, do they not feel pain?
Suck it, does it not get hard?
They've got feelings too, you know.
Oh, darn it.
-Yes?
-Hi, I'm Sugar.
-I live upstairs.
-Hello, I'm Bill.
Oh, I'm really embarrassed.
You see, I was out on my terrace,
just admiring the view,
When I dropped my pin
onto your terrace.
-No problem. Come on in.
-Oh, thank you.
Sugar, this is Bob, my roommate.
Oh, don't bother to get up.
I only came for my pin.
Help yourself.
Thanks.
I hear you're gay.
Yes.
Pity.
-Well, each in his own.
-Sure.
Look, I'm going to go see
if I can find your pin.
Oh, thanks a lot.
It's my lucky pin.
I'd be lost without it.
I think it's in the bushes.
Well, here it is, my dear.
Oh, thank you.
It's very nice.
Well, if there's ever anything
I can do for you.
Actually, you can.
Tomorrow night's the annual drag ball
and gala at the Pits.
-Pits?
-It's a club in the village.
Anyway, I'm to be queen
Of the fairies and I've got
this terrific gown rigged up.
A gown.
Are you one of those Transylvanians?
The
word's "transvestite" and no, I'm not.
It's just that once a year,
the guys get dressed up
And do a show,
money goes to a worthwhile cause.
-You know, a charity.
-Oh, that's nice.
The point is, it would make
a wonderful topper
For my wand,
and I'll take good care of it.
Please.
I'd be glad to loan it to you.
Great.
Hey, listen, I've got
a dress rehearsal this afternoon.
Let me get my stuff together
and I'll show you my gown.
Oh, I'd love to see it.
Here we go.
Isn't it a hoot?
Oh, it's fabulous.
You must loan it to me sometime.
-Sure.
-Off you pop.
-Don't bother to see me home.
-I hadn't planned to.
Why don't you help yourself
to some tea?
Bob?
Bob?
If he wakes up,
Will you tell him
I'll be home for dinner?
Glad to.
Did whatshername leave?
Uh-huh.
Hey, don't do that
unless you mean business.
Come on, Bill.
You're going to get me all excited.
Now you've done it.
I'm as hard as a rock.
Do you want it?
Uh-huh.
Okay, Billy Boy.
Billy Boy will be home for dinner.
Whatshername is hungry right now.
Just try and think of me as a man.
Well, I'll try.
Now, Stephen,
We'll have breakfast
in the breakfast room.
We're having kippers.
Lord Beaverbrook loves his kippers.
Lord Beaverbrook?
Why is he coming?
Didn't I tell you?
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I'm in a such a state
with this auction this afternoon
And everything.
Lord Beaverbrook
s bringing his appraiser
to see the brooch.
I think he's our best bet
for purchase.
They are due here any moment now.
My goodness, but they're punctual.
Now, Stephen,
try not to look anxious.
Lord Beaverbrook
and Mr. Worthington Jones.
Cyril, how nice to see you.
I do hope you'll stay for breakfast.
Kippers and crumpets.
Delighted.
Oh, yes, I do believe you know
Mr. Worthington Jones.
Oh, yes, of course.
How do you do?
I expect you're quite anxious
to get out the brooch.
Stephen, would you be so kind?
Oh, you know,
I've had second thoughts
almost about giving it up.
The house would seem
so empty without it.
Oh, I say, it is magnificent.
What do you think, lan?
Made by a gypsy
in Newark, New Jersey.
What?
Made by a gypsy
in Newark, New Jersey.
It's not even worth a pound.
My God.
Would you say
that it was worth half a pound,
Or a dollar and a half
in American money?
Roughly.
Aunt Sybil,
there's been a dreadful mistake.
You see, you have Sugar's pin
and she has the Buckingham Brooch.
Sugar?
Isn't that charming girl staying
at your flat in New York?
Yes, quite.
I'm sure
we can straighten this all out.
Of course, dear.
Oh, Cyril,
please do accept my apologies.
Oh, do go on into breakfast.
We'll join you shortly.
I'm quite sure that we can straighten
this all out in due time.
Egbert, pack a trunk
and get the Concorde.
Call Max in New York.
I want those two girls arrested.
Aunt Sybil, it's all a mistake.
Mistake, mistake.
Like it or not,
that cunt has the Buckingham Brooch.
-Hello?
-Candy?
-Yes?
-This is Stephen.
I can only talk a second.
There's been a mix-up.
Sugar has the Buckingham Brooch.
-What?
-Aunt Sybil and I are flying over.
For God's sake, don't let that
brooch out of your sight.
It's safe. Sugar has it.
Good. Don't let anyone in.
Aunt Sybil has sent
a detective over to arrest you.
He's probably watching
the apartment already.
Arrest us?
Look, we'll straighten it all out
when I get there, all right?
All right, bye.
Oh, hi. I'm shattered.
I walked all over getting these
for my bunches.
Did you know Manhattan's an island?
Sugar, do you have your pin?
No, I lent it to Bill downstairs.
He's going to a drag ball tonight
at the Pits. That's a club.
Oh, swell.
Your pin is Lady Buckingham's brooch.
Stephen just called.
Oh, Candy, don't get flustered.
We'll just go down to the Pits
and get it back again.
We can't. Stephen said
Not to leave the apartment.
There's a detective on our tail.
Ooh.
Just like in the movies, you mean?
We'll just have to get somebody else
to go and get it back for us.
I know. Max.
We can trust Max.
Dammit.
What do you think this is,
the Queen Mary?
Can't you make this thing go faster,
you twit?
-Who is it?
-It's me, Max.
Max, come on in.
You've got to help us.
We want you to go to the Pits.
I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
You? You bastard.
Anything you say
may be held against you.
You girls coming along willingly?
Sure.
Let me out of here, you bitches.
Sticks and stones
May break my bones -- -Come on.
We've got to get to the Club Pits.
Come on, come on.
Remember the orphans.
-The orphans?
-Your ass, faster.
Just get us there.
Say Joe sent us.
That always works.
-Joe sent us.
-Blow.
Joe Blow, that rings a bell.
They won't let us in
because we're girls.
That's in discrimination, Candy.
Unless.
Now, let me do the talking.
Yeah?
We're the new drags for the show.
I don't know anything
about a new act.
Look, Mary,
you want your balls cut off?
Oh. Oh, well, come on in.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Neighborhood?
Neighborhood?
I don't live in the neighborhood.
Fuck the neighborhood.
Land at LaGuardia.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, if I can ever get off
this dreadful stage,
We can get on with our show.
Here, honey,
somebody hold this microphone.
You see Bill?
I can't see anything.
You take that side
and I'll take this one.
-Okay, hang on.
-Testing.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a very special treat for you.
The Club Pits for having
its annual charity
Drag show this very evening.
I want you to remember
that every watered down beer
You buy goes to our favorite cause,
the restoration of my face.
Ha.
Oh.
Our first beauty tonight comes to us
From a record-breaking engagement
at the Women's House of Detention,
The fabulous, sophisticated,
one and only Miss Kiki.
Smile, darling, it's your only hope.
Keep your hands off her,
you lust pig.
I saw that.
Oh, oh and now,
the incredible Dolly.
A vision in pink satin, with feathers
by Chicken Cluckers Limited.
After the show, she's going to do
her famous Dance of the Virgins,
Strictly from memory.
You'll have to excuse me tonight,
Darlings,
I have a little frog in my throat.
But since it's the best piece of meat
I've had all week,
I think I'll keep it.
Now, the mad woman
Of Christopher Street.
Look out, boys,
it's thunder thighs herself.
Dazzling in deadly black velvet,
with matching fan.
Darling, you may not be the ugliest
drag queen here tonight,
But when she dies --
If you don't feel like applauding,
You can always bang your handcuffs
against the table or something.
By the way -Any luck?--
No, but now I know
why they call them fairies.
Talk about magic wands.
-Wowee.
-Elevator girls in bondage.
I know you won't want
to miss that one.
She's wearing a gold satin schmatta
with embroidered cuffs.
How about those teardrop earrings?
Couldn't you just die?
Just perfect
for the temple or cathedral.
Personally,
I never go to church myself.
All that kneeling bags my nylons.
Hey, Louis at the door tells me
you two are the new drag act.
That's right.
I didn't hire any new drag acts.
Listen, Mary,
you want your balls cut off?
You want your tit shot off?
We'd better be going.
Mary, just a minute.
Let's see what you can do.
-But we don't do anything.
-Dance.
No. Up there.
Don't anybody move.
We've got you surrounded.
I knew they'd wreck the place.
Now you've got rats.
Let me out of here! Let me out of here!
Max, what on earth?
Oh, they locked me in the closet.
Candy and Sugar?
Oh, no, there must have been
10 of them.
Though Sugar and Candy
are the ringleaders.
Oh my God.
Spies.
Hey, that brunette
ain't a bad drag at all.
Great tits.
Take it off.
Oh, come on.
Maybe I ought to keep these two on.
On what?
Come on,
Blackfoot, move your ass,
or you'll be pounding.
I heard that one on the telly.
Great tits, but let me see your ass.
What are you doing?
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
I hope her cock
is as big as her tits.
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
Sugar.
Hey, show it hard.
Pass it to papa.
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
-Take it off, Sugar.
-No.
Hey, Manny?
No, no. It's me, Bill.
My brooch.
My God.
My word.
Seize them.
All right, you're under arrest.
-You're also an ugly drag.
-Oh.
Stop it, Kojak.
I have never been so humiliated
in all my life.
Fingerprinted.
I've missed you too, sweetheart.
This is all your fault.
I wanted to go to the opera.
Yes, but Lewis said Joe sent them,
and Joe didn't send them.
Capisce?
No, you got to boil it first.
I got mine at JC Penny.
Get me out of here.
Hey, hey, let's keep it down in here.
The captain's trying to sleep.
Did you call my lawyer?
-Yes, ma'am.
-Did you call my mother?
I left a message.
Never at home.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
At least the brooch -Oh, Lyle, thank God.--
All right.
The following people are free to go.
Lady Buckingham, Stephen Carlisle,
-Eric Smith, and --
-That's Mike.
Max.
Do you have a brother in Chicago?
-Yes, he's a theatrical agent.
-He's a fraud.
Easy, now.
That's the son of a bitch
who wanted our $100.
I wouldn't call names
if I were you, my dear.
Max has told me what you are,
how you tried to proposition him
And then had your cronies
lock him in a closet.
Propositioned?
Stephen, that's not true.
I, for one, believe it.
Max has never lied to me.
Family men don't lie.
Oh, a family man.
Come along, Stephen.
What about the rest?
We can't just leave them here.
Yeah, what about us?
You can sit and rot.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
owning a place like that.
Degenerate.
The pits indeed.
Beg pardon, ma'am,
But you own the Club Pits.
It's one of your warehouses.
-My warehouses?
-My boss?
My family man.
My mistake.
My aching feet.
My Luke.
Howdy, honey.
What are you doing here?
I struck it rich.
Big Boy's tonic fell on my head
and it grows hair.
I'm a millionaire.
Marry me, Sugar.
Marry me, Candy.
Millionaires? Come along, dears.
I'm certain
we can straighten this all out.
Not you, Max.
You obviously don't know
good breeding when you see it.
As the Americans say,
When you're hot, you're hot,
and hot they were.
The raid at the Club Pits
and the ensuing publicity
Catapulted the Kane sisters
to the top of the proverbial heap.
After an international tour
that could only be described
As devastating,
The Kane sisters returned
to the Big Apple in triumph.
Lady Buckingham was so overwhelmed
by the notoriety
And the big bucks pouring
into the box office
That she bought the girls
their very own nightclub,
The Chez Gauche.
Yes, there's nothing like
a riot in a fag bar
And a night in the slammer
to ensure show business immortality.
Success at last.
A view from the top.
As we gaze back down
the slope of ascent,
I see we neglected to mention
a most essential item.
Pluck. Good old pluck.
Pluck the attitude, of course,
but also pluck the verb.
Knowing how to pluck,
and when to pluck,
And especially who to pluck.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Latin Quarter Rhythms,
Starring the incredible Kane Sisters.
Ah, success, that most coveted
of all the earthly prizes.
Tonight, it belongs
to the Kane Sisters.
Tonight, these twin meteors
streak upon the Broadway horizon,
Making the Great White Way
a full magnitude brighter
By their radiance.
Indeed, one wonders
how we ever found our way
Along Schubert Alley
without stumbling
n the semi-darkness.
Why these two?
What magical combination
of ingredients,
What divine blending
of resources, have made
Their meteoric ascendance inevitable?
Perhaps a peek into the past
will offer some answers?
When Horace Greeley said,
"Go west, young man,"
he meant that the West
Was where opportunity
and the future lay.
Although he might not have had
Coyote Fang,
Wyoming, specifically in mind,
t nonetheless illustrates
the validity of his vision.
Hey, Flo,
can I walk you home tonight?
I already got a date, Harry,
and you can stick it in your dog.
Here, we find the pioneer personality
in its pristine state.
The determination, the stamina,
the nobility of character,
Which fashions a civilization
out of a wilderness.
What'll it be, gents?
Oh, the master will have a beer.
Anything imported.
Bottle of Buffalo piss, please.
It is here we find our heroines,
like so many
of history's great theatrical names,
Developing and polishing
their talents in the provinces.
Talent, yes, that is the first
essential ingredient of success.
Talent.
What was that noise?
-That was applause, honey.
-Really?
It sounded like a horse
running through a barn.
It was rather nice, though, wasn't it?
It sure was.
You should've seen the horse.
-Was he cute?
-Dollar signs, baby.
Oh.
Just the kind of guy
I could lay a spread for.
Sugar, we got to get out
of this dump.
Arnie said if we could hang on
for six more weeks,
He'd get us a weekend in Moorhead,
Minnesota, remember?
At the bowling alley.
We're not hanging on
for six more weeks.
When Arnie calls tonight,
I'm going to straighten him out.
Either he gets us
a booking in New York,
Or we sign with old man Stucky.
-Agreed?
-Agreed.
Who wants to play Moorhead, anyway?
You can tell Arnie for me
That a bird in your hand
isn't worth two in your bush.
Come on, Big Boy, one more swallow.
I'll be so glad to get out of this dump.
Hi, Luke.
-Hi, darling
-Hi.
Oh, shit.
That's what it is, honey.
Can I use your cloth, Luke?
Hey, Sugar, that's my shirt.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll see if I can find a rag.
I wonder what the Greyhound
costs in New York.
I suppose we could sell a few things.
Flo would love that bow of yours.
I found a rag.
Maybe we should just get rid
Of all these costumes
and get new ones.
We should definitely get
new costumes.
-Oh.
-This rag has seen better days.
This rag's doing just fine.
How's Big Boy today?
Did he take his tonic?
I finally got him to swallow it.
-Did he spit it up?
-Not yet.
You can say that again.
-What's in that stuff, anyway?
-Pig's milk and berries.
-And he swallows it?
-Trick is to get it in
as far as you can.
Can't you take that hat off
when we're making love?
Now, Sugar, honey.
You know how I feel
about my hair, or lack of it.
Well, I don't see why.
You know what they say,
there may not be grass on the roof,
But there's definitely fire
in the stove pipe.
Hello?
Chin, I have a collect call
from Chicago for Ms. Candy Cane.
Ms. Candy,
you got long distance telephone.
I'm coming.
It must be from Mr. Arnie.
It's a collect call.
That bastard.
I need some change.
Have you got anything, Luke?
Feels like 10 inches.
-Help yourself.
-I am.
Imagine the nerve calling collect.
That hard nose son of a bitch.
Who's a hard nose son of a bitch?
You are.
Hello?
Yes, operator,
I'll accept the charges.
Hello?
Hello, Arnie.
What's the big idea calling collect?
You know how it is, kid.
I'm a little tight.
You're a little tight?
Tight, isn't it?
Listen, you little weasel,
Either you get us out of here,
or we're going to sign with Stucky.
Stucky?
-Stucky.
-Fuck me.
Well, as a matter of fact,
The reason I'm calling is I've got
this great job lined up for you.
Where?
Moorhead?
Moorhead?
More head.
Look, this is the big time, sweetie,
and I'm not talking about Chicago.
This is the Big Apple, New York City.
Go on.
It's called...
Crackers.
It's the big break
we've been waiting for, baby.
Now, hear me out.
It's a sort of a showcase, you know,
And there's a small fee involved,
but it's worth every penny.
I mean, everybody who's anybody's
going to be there.
You are bound to be seen
by some very important people.
What kind of fee?
A hundred bucks.
A hundred bucks?
Listen, Arnie, are you trying to --
Screw me.
Screw me! Yes!
Go to New York and give it a try.
Well, who do we send the fee to?
You'd better let me handle it.
Mail it in -Out.
In and out. All right.
-All right, but this better be
on the up and up.
-And up! And up!
Charging! Charging!
What's the charges?
New York.
-What a --
-Fuck.
Hey, Candy,
I just came in to get you.
We got a big spender
out front tonight,
And he wants you and Sugar
to come out and join him.
Listen, Oscar,
I just got off the phone with how big a spender?--
He's tipping Flo with $20 bills.
That guy in the front row?
Yeah. He's got quite a wad.
I saw it.
We'll be right in.
A hundred dollars, Candy,
And that doesn't even cover
the bus ticket.
Honey, we're about to float a loan.
Huh?
Hi,
fellas.
Hello.
Ladies, may I introduce
Mr. Stephen Carlisle III?
Really?
I never knew a third before,
but I did meet a junior once.
I'm Candy, this is Sugar.
We're the Kane sisters.
Who are you?
Oh, I'm Eric, ma'am.
Pleasure, Mr. Ma'am.
No, no, no, no. It's just Eric, ma'am.
Oh.
Won't you sit down?
Would you like a drink?
Whatever you're having.
I thought your singing
this evening was lovely.
Thank you.
-It was our farewell performance.
-Really?
Yes, we're moving
to a club in New York.
Perhaps you've heard of it.
It's called Crackers.
No.
No, I don't believe so.
Oh, well, it's new.
Hasn't been open very long.
But very in, if you know what I mean.
I must make it a point
to come see you.
When are you leaving?
Well, we have a few loose ends
to tie up here.
We've got to get our bus tickets.
Maybe Tuesday.
Bus tickets?
Eric.
Sorry, sir.
We decided to bus it,
Because we need some money
for new costumes.
You know how it is.
Thanks, cutie.
Hey, Flo, you forgot the change.
Oh, never mind.
Heavens, you must be loaded.
Could you loan us $100?
-Sugar.
-Oh, please. She's charming.
How would
$200 be?
Oh, no, we couldn't.
Why not?
There's a simple question.
Why not?
You can pay me back, y'know.
I'll be in New York.
In fact, why don't you come with us?
Eric and I are flying back
as soon as the car is fixed.
You're having me on.
One can't fly in a car.
When the car is fixed,
we are driving it to the airport.
Oh.
My jet's in Canyon City.
Your jet?
Yes.
Are you terribly impressed?
-Yes.
-Good.
-Then you'll come.
-Oh, boy, will we come.
What on earth are you doing
with a jet plane in Wyoming?
The master has been here on business.
I was retrieving
the Buckingham Brooch.
The Buckingham Brooch?
I read about it in the newspaper.
Some dizzy dame dropped it
down a mineshaft in 1882
And they found it again last week.
Correct. That dizzy dame
Was my great-great aunt
on my mother's side.
And she didn't drop it.
She threw it down the shaft.
It seems she was upset
with my great-great uncle
At the time.
He must've been furious.
So you're over here to pick it up?
I already have it.
-Would you like to see it?
-Love to.
Ladies.
The Buckingham Brooch.
Good grief.
It's gorgeous.
It's exactly the same as mine.
I was going to loan it
to Flo tonight,
Because she's got a date.
This is guaranteed to get you laid.
I got it from a gypsy at a carnival.
It's an accurate copy,
but not nearly as valuable.
You're telling me.
She only paid a buck and a half?
I did not say your wife
had a wart on her twat.
I said it felt like one!
Oh, what a mess.
I'm sorry about the roughhousing.
You know how it is.
They've gone and got dirt
all over your lovely brooch.
That one's yours.
Oh, thank heavens
they didn't break it.
-Your car's ready.
-Oh, good. Thank you.
-Well, are you coming?
-You bet.
-Where are you going?
-To New York.
You can't.
I've got a contract.
Oscar, you haven't paid us
for two weeks.
Consider that your two weeks' notice.
It's sure going to be hard
without you, Sugar.
Oh, Luke, darling.
If I thought it was going
to be hard all the time,
I wouldn't go at all.
-You promise to write?
-Every day.
And you promise to keep up
your scientific study
On Big Boy
and I know he'll be back
n the saddle
in no time at all.
Oh, Sugar, baby.
-Sugar!
I've got to be going.
The others are waiting for me.
Wish me luck, honey.
When I make it big,
I'll send for you.
You already made it big, baby.
How long will you be in New York?
Just overnight.
I'll fly back for your opening.
Wouldn't you just stay here
in the States for a while?
No, I'm afraid not.
Aunt Sybil is quite anxious
to get the brooch back home.
She's planning to auction it off
At a big charity do
for the orphans of Penzance.
Oh, I see.
I really think you'd like Aunt Sybil.
She's really very sweet...
when it comes to the orphans.
Did you ever screw on a plane?
I did it in a boat once
and I had to do all the rowing.
Would you like to see
the rest of the plane?
My private quarters are in the back.
I do wish I'd brought the big one.
The big one?
It was a big one.
You know what they say,
all good things come in big packages.
Well, enough about me.
Tell me about yourself.
Well, I did it in a rickshaw once.
That was when the master
was in the Orient.
Sideways?
-The rickshaw?
-I really should have it redecorated.
Oh, no, it's quite nice.
Very comfortable.
Would you like to lie down?
Would you?
She was taking a class
in Oriental cooking.
Oh, I love to eat.
Tell me your favorite recipe.
Oh, steak and lychee nuts.
Fu Manchu.
How do you make it?
You take your meat and you pound it.
Am I getting better?
Oh, much.
Oh, good.
You brown it lightly.
Dip the nuts into oil.
Salt to taste.
Beat it.
Beat it while it's hot.
Put the cream in.
See if it's wet enough.
Put it in the oven for an hour.
Pull it out and put butter on top.
It serves six.
Oh, is our billing up yet?
The club isn't even up yet.
Eric, are you sure
this is the right address?
Positive, sir. Positive.
This is the right address, all right.
That bastard Arnie
was trying to rob us.
Well, thank heavens
we didn't really send him
The hundred dollars.
What are we going to do now?
Well, here we are.
Oh, isn't it lovely?
What a beautiful view.
You can stay here
until you find a place and get a job.
There's plenty of food,
and I'll give you
A couple of signed checks
in case you need them.
You can't do that.
Why, you don't even know us.
Well, I know you well enough,
And I'd like to get
to know you better.
What do you want to know?
Nothing, at the moment.
Oh, I've got to call Aunt Sybil
and let her know
That everything's under control.
You'll find a guest room upstairs.
Eric will bring your luggage.
Hello.
Let me speak to Aunt Sybil, please.
Lady Buckingham's residence.
Oh, very good, sir.
It's for you, Madame.
Hello.
Stephen, darling, where are you?
Did you get the brooch?
Good. Coyote Fang?
How vivid.
When are you coming?
That should put you in
about midnight.
I'll have Edward
leave cookies and milk.
Stephen, the room is gorgeous.
The bed doesn't even squeak.
Stephen, dear, who's there?
I hear voices.
Feminine voices.
Did you really?
Who are they?
Never heard of them.
Oh, they sing, do they?
Oh, tell me, dear,
what else do they do?
Dig for gold?
Of course I'm only joking.
I know the gold diggers went out
with Christine Keeler.
Oh, listen, darling,
I've really got to run.
Annie and Charlie actually gave up
a horse show to come to tea.
Do take care,
and I'll see you at
Breakfast.
Ta-ta.
Edward.
Edward, get me my lawyer in New York.
Kane Sisters.
Ha.
Phony names if I've ever heard them.
No, they're not going to get
their claws into my nephew.
I'm the last person
who's going to fuck her way
nto this family.
Lyle, darling, I need your help.
Can you get me the name
of that detective in New York?
Oh, what was his name?
You know, the one that put
Miss Subways out of business.
Oh, you must mean Max.
That's it, that's it, Max.
Can you get me Max?
I want him to check out two women
staying in my nephew's apartment
n New York.
They may be after his money.
Sybil, it's all going to be
his some day, anyway.
Well, it's mine now, and Stephen
Simply cannot keep his head
when it comes to women.
You remember
that unfortunate business
n Bangkok?
Well, my dear, she was nothing
but your common,
Garden variety cocksucker.
God knows what these two are.
Oh, and by the by,
I got your last tax thing
about my holdings.
Isn't that a bit exorbitant
For a few warehouses
and a Burger King?
Now, Sybil, those warehouses
are very profitable.
You've probably forgotten
the East River properties.
Now, don't concern yourself.
I'll send you
the new photographs immediately,
All right?
-Yes.
Oh, and tell Max
to get right on that case,
But darling,
do tell him to be careful.
These two are in show business.
Candy, what's a film loop?
You've got me.
They're looking
for 46 girls and a monkey.
What do you think?
You're not going to get
much billing with 46 girls.
I suppose not.
The monkey's probably the star.
What did Stephen say in his letter?
That he missed me.
Does Stephen have a big joint?
Big enough.
I get hot just thinking about it.
You should do what I do.
Suck a cock every day
And the hornies stay away.
That's what Luke taught me.
Mmm...cock.
You'd better come out of there.
You're going to get all prune-y.
I'm through.
Did the cleaning man come?
Yes. All over.
Did you find anything yet?
Now, here's a movie.
Miracle Pictures,
Ben Dover Producer.
True devotees of the live theater
Find cinema a slightly suspect medium
for serious art.
On occasion, however,
a producer of genius
Will create cinematic gems to please
even the harshest of critics.
Such a genius
is Ben Dover of Miracle Productions.
To him, we are eternally grateful
for preserving on film
The early efforts of our heroines
in a series of mini epics.
Who could forget Teenage Cookies?
That triumph of the art houses,
Type, You Typers.
Yes, that was a real sleeper.
The costumes
were particularly lovely.
Yes, we got to keep them too.
Then, there was
that little avant-garde piece,
Wild Gooseberries.
Not since Bergman has there been
Such sensitive handling
of a delicate theme.
My personal favourite
was Wet Cheerleaders,
A big campus spectacle
with a cast of thousands.
Ah, yes, they don't write them
like that anymore.
Success.
They owed it all to Ben.
Ben, you asshole.
I've been screwed up
one side of that loft
And down the other.
I've had it. No more.
Candy, relax.
I got a fantastic big movie
for you and Sugar.
What?
A real film?
Jesus Christ.
May my mother drop dead
if I'm lying to you.
Ugh.
They call these things turd curls.
Isn't that silly?
Who'd want to have turds
in their hair?
Well, a familiar face.
How are you?
I heard you're playing Brett.
I hear you're playing Harlot.
Congratulations.
It should be fun working on this one.
What do you think
of the new director?
Well, I hear he's pretty good.
Shit. He's done so many b-movies.
He gets fan mail from the Hornets.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
As you know,
we are shooting this film
n the Italian fashion.
-What's that?
Well, we're not going
to be using actual sound,
n order that I may speak to you
during the scenes.
You must, however,
Speak as you would normally
and we'll dub the lines in later.
Now, you, Petunia,
you have just one line,
But it is terribly important.
Have you learned it yet?
I'm working on it.
When Cissy says,
"The Yankees are coming," you say?
I got it right here.
"Ms. Melody,
What are we going to do?"
That's right.
Keep working on it, though.
Now, remember, pay no attention to me
when I'm talking to you.
Just do what I say.
This is a very simple little scene.
I'd like to get it done quickly,
because we are shooting
The Bombing of Atlanta
this afternoon.
Now, everyone to their places.
Listen, how about lunch next week?
Sure.
All right.
Quiet on the set.
Roll the titles.
Action.
The Yankees are coming.
Cut.
Not yet, you moron.
Get off the set.
I'll tell you when to come on.
Action.
Everyone titter.
Now, spread out your picnic clothes.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Where are my peacocks?
Where are the peacocks?
Two peacocks coming up.
Let the ladies open the baskets,
you big Cissy.
The Yankees are coming.
The Yankees are coming.
Not yet.
You called Cissy, you asshole.
"Ms. Melody,
What are we going to do?"
Ready for Ms. Harlot.
War, war, war.
That's all you men care about.
And me, so dry
I could pick cotton.
Good.
Now, put down the basket.
Ready on the gunshot?
Fire.
Wait here, Ms. Harlot.
Men, we better see you
fire that shot.
Well, I'll just go and see
if my Uncle and Auntie Belum
Have arrived.
Ms. Melody. Ms. Melody.
Oh, this line stinks.
Okay.
We're ready for the Yankees.
Now.
Put up a fight, girls.
Scream.
Struggle.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Ms. Melody --
Doggy.
Ass.
Fuck.
Missionary.
Lunch.
Cissy and Petunia, stand by.
Get out of here, you idiot.
Come on, boys.
I know you can do it.
Boys, I'm ready.
I want a cum shot,
Or none of you faggots get paid.
-Cissy.
-The Yankees are coming! The Yankees are coming!
How was that, you shithead?
Petunia, that's your cue!
Petunia?!
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?" Oh.
"Ms. Melody,
what are we going to do?"
Frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn.
-You're fired.
-Oh.
"Dear Luke,
Candy and I just finished doing
one of those disaster pictures.
It was."
And so, thanks to the perseverance
Of my darling, devoted nephew,
Stephen Carlisle III,
The Buckingham Brooch had been returned
to its rightful home, at last.
And now, it gives me great pleasure
to announce
That the Buckingham Brooch will be placed
on public auction Saturday, with proceeds
To go to the darling
little orphans of Penzance.
We do all care
For the dear little orphans
of Penzance, don't we?
Now, if you would step out
into the garden,
Tea will be served
and I will pose for pictures.
Beg pardon, sir.
A letter just arrived.
It's from the girls.
Oh.
Oh, they'd like to stay on
for a few weeks more.
Oh, really, Stephen,
allowing those two girls
To stay on alone
in your apartment in New York?
Oh, Aunt Sybil.
Your mother would turn over
in her grave.
I'll get it.
Oh, there's nobody there.
Must have been a wrong number.
I'll get it this time.
Hi, come on in.
Well, I'm off
for another day's job hunting.
Wish me luck.
Candy, they moved the elevator.
They put it right down the hall.
-Oh, thank you. Bye-bye.
-So long.
Come on.
You got any new film work?
Not since that last disaster.
I trust you survived the epic?
Yeah. No scars, anyway.
Oh.
Let me be the judge of that.
Perseverance.
That crucial quality.
Ambition amounts
to nothing without it.
For contrary to popular belief,
Opportunity is under no obligation
whatsoever to knock on anyone's door.
It's been known to avoid
some neighborhoods completely.
The Buckingham Brooch,
what a stunning example of success.
What a noble gesture
On the part of Lady Buckingham
to put it up for auction.
The proceeds being donated
to her favorite charity.
Note, in passing,
the striking similarity
Between the brooch
and the rise of the Kane sisters.
This lovely piece,
in its original state,
Was merely crude platinum
and diamonds in the rough.
Something one would hardly cross the
mall to see,
But by a tasteful process
of selection, refinement,
And craftsmanship,
these base elements
Are transformed and fashioned
into a unique assemblage
Of beauty, grace, and dignity.
Stephen, darling,
do be a sweetheart
And fetch me a bromide.
All these people have given me
a frightful headache.
What I go through
For these dreadful Penzance brats.
-Action.
-Always charming as ever.
I'll get it, Ed,
but keep the line moving.
Keep the line moving.
Hello, Lady Buckingham here.
Max, what's the news?
You haven't anything to report?
What am I paying you for then?
Perhaps I don't need
a private detective.
Well, actually, I do have some news.
That's better.
I knew you'd come up with something.
They did what?
They propositioned you?
They're nothing but common hookers.
Of course I said no.
That's very interesting, Max.
Goodbye, Max.
Your check is on the way.
Thank you, Stephen.
Now, darling,
I need you here tomorrow
For the auction,
but come Sunday,
I want you to fly straight
to New York and evict those trollops
From your apartment.
-But Aunt Sybil, they're not --
-No buts. No buts.
Your career is at stake.
I will not have you scandalized.
Understand?
You are my heir.
Keep the line moving.
Keep it moving.
Sugar, what are you doing?
Just sight-seeing.
There's a casting
for the young and infested.
Candy, you should come out
and see the bulge on this guy.
Not now, honey, I'm reading.
Besides, they're gay.
So?
Cut them, do they not bleed?
Prick them, do they not feel pain?
Suck it, does it not get hard?
They've got feelings too, you know.
Oh, darn it.
-Yes?
-Hi, I'm Sugar.
-I live upstairs.
-Hello, I'm Bill.
Oh, I'm really embarrassed.
You see, I was out on my terrace,
just admiring the view,
When I dropped my pin
onto your terrace.
-No problem. Come on in.
-Oh, thank you.
Sugar, this is Bob, my roommate.
Oh, don't bother to get up.
I only came for my pin.
Help yourself.
Thanks.
I hear you're gay.
Yes.
Pity.
-Well, each in his own.
-Sure.
Look, I'm going to go see
if I can find your pin.
Oh, thanks a lot.
It's my lucky pin.
I'd be lost without it.
I think it's in the bushes.
Well, here it is, my dear.
Oh, thank you.
It's very nice.
Well, if there's ever anything
I can do for you.
Actually, you can.
Tomorrow night's the annual drag ball
and gala at the Pits.
-Pits?
-It's a club in the village.
Anyway, I'm to be queen
Of the fairies and I've got
this terrific gown rigged up.
A gown.
Are you one of those Transylvanians?
The
word's "transvestite" and no, I'm not.
It's just that once a year,
the guys get dressed up
And do a show,
money goes to a worthwhile cause.
-You know, a charity.
-Oh, that's nice.
The point is, it would make
a wonderful topper
For my wand,
and I'll take good care of it.
Please.
I'd be glad to loan it to you.
Great.
Hey, listen, I've got
a dress rehearsal this afternoon.
Let me get my stuff together
and I'll show you my gown.
Oh, I'd love to see it.
Here we go.
Isn't it a hoot?
Oh, it's fabulous.
You must loan it to me sometime.
-Sure.
-Off you pop.
-Don't bother to see me home.
-I hadn't planned to.
Why don't you help yourself
to some tea?
Bob?
Bob?
If he wakes up,
Will you tell him
I'll be home for dinner?
Glad to.
Did whatshername leave?
Uh-huh.
Hey, don't do that
unless you mean business.
Come on, Bill.
You're going to get me all excited.
Now you've done it.
I'm as hard as a rock.
Do you want it?
Uh-huh.
Okay, Billy Boy.
Billy Boy will be home for dinner.
Whatshername is hungry right now.
Just try and think of me as a man.
Well, I'll try.
Now, Stephen,
We'll have breakfast
in the breakfast room.
We're having kippers.
Lord Beaverbrook loves his kippers.
Lord Beaverbrook?
Why is he coming?
Didn't I tell you?
Oh, my goodness.
Well, I'm not surprised.
I'm in a such a state
with this auction this afternoon
And everything.
Lord Beaverbrook
s bringing his appraiser
to see the brooch.
I think he's our best bet
for purchase.
They are due here any moment now.
My goodness, but they're punctual.
Now, Stephen,
try not to look anxious.
Lord Beaverbrook
and Mr. Worthington Jones.
Cyril, how nice to see you.
I do hope you'll stay for breakfast.
Kippers and crumpets.
Delighted.
Oh, yes, I do believe you know
Mr. Worthington Jones.
Oh, yes, of course.
How do you do?
I expect you're quite anxious
to get out the brooch.
Stephen, would you be so kind?
Oh, you know,
I've had second thoughts
almost about giving it up.
The house would seem
so empty without it.
Oh, I say, it is magnificent.
What do you think, lan?
Made by a gypsy
in Newark, New Jersey.
What?
Made by a gypsy
in Newark, New Jersey.
It's not even worth a pound.
My God.
Would you say
that it was worth half a pound,
Or a dollar and a half
in American money?
Roughly.
Aunt Sybil,
there's been a dreadful mistake.
You see, you have Sugar's pin
and she has the Buckingham Brooch.
Sugar?
Isn't that charming girl staying
at your flat in New York?
Yes, quite.
I'm sure
we can straighten this all out.
Of course, dear.
Oh, Cyril,
please do accept my apologies.
Oh, do go on into breakfast.
We'll join you shortly.
I'm quite sure that we can straighten
this all out in due time.
Egbert, pack a trunk
and get the Concorde.
Call Max in New York.
I want those two girls arrested.
Aunt Sybil, it's all a mistake.
Mistake, mistake.
Like it or not,
that cunt has the Buckingham Brooch.
-Hello?
-Candy?
-Yes?
-This is Stephen.
I can only talk a second.
There's been a mix-up.
Sugar has the Buckingham Brooch.
-What?
-Aunt Sybil and I are flying over.
For God's sake, don't let that
brooch out of your sight.
It's safe. Sugar has it.
Good. Don't let anyone in.
Aunt Sybil has sent
a detective over to arrest you.
He's probably watching
the apartment already.
Arrest us?
Look, we'll straighten it all out
when I get there, all right?
All right, bye.
Oh, hi. I'm shattered.
I walked all over getting these
for my bunches.
Did you know Manhattan's an island?
Sugar, do you have your pin?
No, I lent it to Bill downstairs.
He's going to a drag ball tonight
at the Pits. That's a club.
Oh, swell.
Your pin is Lady Buckingham's brooch.
Stephen just called.
Oh, Candy, don't get flustered.
We'll just go down to the Pits
and get it back again.
We can't. Stephen said
Not to leave the apartment.
There's a detective on our tail.
Ooh.
Just like in the movies, you mean?
We'll just have to get somebody else
to go and get it back for us.
I know. Max.
We can trust Max.
Dammit.
What do you think this is,
the Queen Mary?
Can't you make this thing go faster,
you twit?
-Who is it?
-It's me, Max.
Max, come on in.
You've got to help us.
We want you to go to the Pits.
I've got a warrant here
for your arrest.
You? You bastard.
Anything you say
may be held against you.
You girls coming along willingly?
Sure.
Let me out of here, you bitches.
Sticks and stones
May break my bones -- -Come on.
We've got to get to the Club Pits.
Come on, come on.
Remember the orphans.
-The orphans?
-Your ass, faster.
Just get us there.
Say Joe sent us.
That always works.
-Joe sent us.
-Blow.
Joe Blow, that rings a bell.
They won't let us in
because we're girls.
That's in discrimination, Candy.
Unless.
Now, let me do the talking.
Yeah?
We're the new drags for the show.
I don't know anything
about a new act.
Look, Mary,
you want your balls cut off?
Oh. Oh, well, come on in.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Neighborhood?
Neighborhood?
I don't live in the neighborhood.
Fuck the neighborhood.
Land at LaGuardia.
Thank you, thank you.
Now, if I can ever get off
this dreadful stage,
We can get on with our show.
Here, honey,
somebody hold this microphone.
You see Bill?
I can't see anything.
You take that side
and I'll take this one.
-Okay, hang on.
-Testing.
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
we have a very special treat for you.
The Club Pits for having
its annual charity
Drag show this very evening.
I want you to remember
that every watered down beer
You buy goes to our favorite cause,
the restoration of my face.
Ha.
Oh.
Our first beauty tonight comes to us
From a record-breaking engagement
at the Women's House of Detention,
The fabulous, sophisticated,
one and only Miss Kiki.
Smile, darling, it's your only hope.
Keep your hands off her,
you lust pig.
I saw that.
Oh, oh and now,
the incredible Dolly.
A vision in pink satin, with feathers
by Chicken Cluckers Limited.
After the show, she's going to do
her famous Dance of the Virgins,
Strictly from memory.
You'll have to excuse me tonight,
Darlings,
I have a little frog in my throat.
But since it's the best piece of meat
I've had all week,
I think I'll keep it.
Now, the mad woman
Of Christopher Street.
Look out, boys,
it's thunder thighs herself.
Dazzling in deadly black velvet,
with matching fan.
Darling, you may not be the ugliest
drag queen here tonight,
But when she dies --
If you don't feel like applauding,
You can always bang your handcuffs
against the table or something.
By the way -Any luck?--
No, but now I know
why they call them fairies.
Talk about magic wands.
-Wowee.
-Elevator girls in bondage.
I know you won't want
to miss that one.
She's wearing a gold satin schmatta
with embroidered cuffs.
How about those teardrop earrings?
Couldn't you just die?
Just perfect
for the temple or cathedral.
Personally,
I never go to church myself.
All that kneeling bags my nylons.
Hey, Louis at the door tells me
you two are the new drag act.
That's right.
I didn't hire any new drag acts.
Listen, Mary,
you want your balls cut off?
You want your tit shot off?
We'd better be going.
Mary, just a minute.
Let's see what you can do.
-But we don't do anything.
-Dance.
No. Up there.
Don't anybody move.
We've got you surrounded.
I knew they'd wreck the place.
Now you've got rats.
Let me out of here! Let me out of here!
Max, what on earth?
Oh, they locked me in the closet.
Candy and Sugar?
Oh, no, there must have been
10 of them.
Though Sugar and Candy
are the ringleaders.
Oh my God.
Spies.
Hey, that brunette
ain't a bad drag at all.
Great tits.
Take it off.
Oh, come on.
Maybe I ought to keep these two on.
On what?
Come on,
Blackfoot, move your ass,
or you'll be pounding.
I heard that one on the telly.
Great tits, but let me see your ass.
What are you doing?
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
I hope her cock
is as big as her tits.
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
Sugar.
Hey, show it hard.
Pass it to papa.
-Take it off.
-Take it off.
-Take it off, Sugar.
-No.
Hey, Manny?
No, no. It's me, Bill.
My brooch.
My God.
My word.
Seize them.
All right, you're under arrest.
-You're also an ugly drag.
-Oh.
Stop it, Kojak.
I have never been so humiliated
in all my life.
Fingerprinted.
I've missed you too, sweetheart.
This is all your fault.
I wanted to go to the opera.
Yes, but Lewis said Joe sent them,
and Joe didn't send them.
Capisce?
No, you got to boil it first.
I got mine at JC Penny.
Get me out of here.
Hey, hey, let's keep it down in here.
The captain's trying to sleep.
Did you call my lawyer?
-Yes, ma'am.
-Did you call my mother?
I left a message.
Never at home.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
At least the brooch -Oh, Lyle, thank God.--
All right.
The following people are free to go.
Lady Buckingham, Stephen Carlisle,
-Eric Smith, and --
-That's Mike.
Max.
Do you have a brother in Chicago?
-Yes, he's a theatrical agent.
-He's a fraud.
Easy, now.
That's the son of a bitch
who wanted our $100.
I wouldn't call names
if I were you, my dear.
Max has told me what you are,
how you tried to proposition him
And then had your cronies
lock him in a closet.
Propositioned?
Stephen, that's not true.
I, for one, believe it.
Max has never lied to me.
Family men don't lie.
Oh, a family man.
Come along, Stephen.
What about the rest?
We can't just leave them here.
Yeah, what about us?
You can sit and rot.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself,
owning a place like that.
Degenerate.
The pits indeed.
Beg pardon, ma'am,
But you own the Club Pits.
It's one of your warehouses.
-My warehouses?
-My boss?
My family man.
My mistake.
My aching feet.
My Luke.
Howdy, honey.
What are you doing here?
I struck it rich.
Big Boy's tonic fell on my head
and it grows hair.
I'm a millionaire.
Marry me, Sugar.
Marry me, Candy.
Millionaires? Come along, dears.
I'm certain
we can straighten this all out.
Not you, Max.
You obviously don't know
good breeding when you see it.
As the Americans say,
When you're hot, you're hot,
and hot they were.
The raid at the Club Pits
and the ensuing publicity
Catapulted the Kane sisters
to the top of the proverbial heap.
After an international tour
that could only be described
As devastating,
The Kane sisters returned
to the Big Apple in triumph.
Lady Buckingham was so overwhelmed
by the notoriety
And the big bucks pouring
into the box office
That she bought the girls
their very own nightclub,
The Chez Gauche.
Yes, there's nothing like
a riot in a fag bar
And a night in the slammer
to ensure show business immortality.
Success at last.
A view from the top.
As we gaze back down
the slope of ascent,
I see we neglected to mention
a most essential item.
Pluck. Good old pluck.
Pluck the attitude, of course,
but also pluck the verb.
Knowing how to pluck,
and when to pluck,
And especially who to pluck.