Blood Relatives (2022) Movie Script
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Oy vey.
There's always tonight.
You think
I'm gonna take health
advice from a doctor?
They make money off the sick.
And it's in my liberal doctor's
interest this thing be done.
Getting diabetes is my right,
both types.
To actually hear the truth-
Hey, hey pal, your uh,
your sign says you're open
'til eight.
I think I got five minutes,
right?
Can I come in?
I know exactly what I need.
Hello?
Put a cast
iron pan in a dishwasher.
Hi, I need two carb gaskets.
What is that, five bucks?
I'll give you 10.
I just closed.
Yeah, I know.
I was right outside.
That was me, I was
here with minutes to spare.
Come back tomorrow.
Come on, I, I schlepped
all the way down here.
You did what?
Schlep.
Yeah, what is that?
Yiddish.
Yid?
Ish.
No.
Come on man.
Be a mensch.
Be a person.
Why should I?
Hiya.
Hi.
I need a room.
Here?
Why not?
To each his own, ID
and credit card.
You mind cash?
I left my wallet at a
waffle house in racine,
real bonehead move,
but luckily I keep some
cash in the glove box
for emergencies.
That's real smart.
I too have made some
regrettable decisions
at a waffle house,
they tempt you.
With the waffles, that's
how they get you.
It is.
Well, there's no waffle
house in town,
but we do have a former taco-
bell-pizza-hut combination,
that's now a vape shop,
and an old American legion
with a beer license.
The vets that ran it all died,
and they just let anybody
drink in there.
All the bases covered, how much?
Usually it's $27.95,
but the water heater went
out last week. Um,
you wanna make it $20?
Sounds fair.
Fellas?
The fibanatti
are putting chemicals
in wing sauce
to make men docile and
submissive.
It's the only explanation
of why we have been primed.
Hey!
I need a shower.
You wanna be here this bad,
you really got
nowhere else to be,
but we do have rules
about guests,
especially ones that ain't ripe.
The girl?
She didn't look a day over 16.
What girl?
You seem like a nice man,
but a lot of bad men seem
like nice men.
That is how they get ya.
Behave yourself.
Ah!
Tuchas leker!
Hand me that.
No, the bucket with
the ice in it.
Get outta here.
You want me to open
the door again?
I don't have anything.
Your car.
I'm not giving you my car.
1969 barracuda fastback
with a 383 in blue.
That's the one.
They made two shades, ice
blue code b-3 and blue fire.
That one was b-5, that
one was rare.
I didn't know which blue it was.
They also made a b-7,
Jamaica blue.
Not in the 383.
They only made 272
fastbacks in the 383
and a slap stick automatic,
and only 16 in ice blue,
11 in blue fire.
- Yours is blue fire.
- Mine is blue fire.
Of those 11 there's only
three still registered.
One is in Portsmouth, Maine,
and belongs to a
retired orthodontist.
Another is for sale in
Miami by a broker,
but it has the a57 'cuda
package, yours doesn't.
The third's registered to an
elderly woman in Minnesota.
That's my aunt, car's hers.
How the fuck do you know this?
The Internet.
And how'd you find me?
The Internet.
Who are you?
I'm Vanessa Murray's daughter,
from elk river, Idaho.
You passed through 15 years ago.
Hand me that.
The other one.
She worked at the
only bar in town.
She heard a recording of
gtterdmmerung
coming from your car when
you pulled in.
Wagner, opera.
She was 22, said you were older.
Nah, I'll be 31 this
year, couldn't be me.
You stood in the doorway and
asked if you could come in.
You were wearing a black
leather jacket, like that.
You stayed until closing,
just you and her.
She sang you
brunhilde's immolation.
You told her it was the
most beautiful thing
you'd ever heard.
You drove her home in the
blue barracuda,
and her heart beat as
fast as the motor.
You spent another hour
in the car together.
It was a Wednesday.
Go tell your mother
she's mistaken.
She died three weeks ago.
Oh.
It was her heart.
Since I was born.
What are you getting at?
I go out, have to
cover up a lot.
Always wear sunscreen, spf
a million, avoided recess,
but I can go out during the day.
What's your name?
Jane.
Got anything to eat?
Jesus
says, to love thy neighbor.
Well, what if your neighbor
doesn't love Jesus?
Can I help you?
You got any jerky?
Anything with meat in it?
No.
Where are you from?
Around.
How old are you, hun?
Told him I don't abide
this type of thing.
Sort you out as soon
as I take care of him.
Holy shit.
Hey, lady, you got
the wrong idea.
Just hold up.
I don't got no idea and I
don't want any,
his ass is goin' and yours
is moving on.
No no, he's my dad.
That's just disgusting.
I know you gotta do
what you gotta do,
but that kind of thing strikes
me as quite inappropriate.
Seriously? Look, you
can't go in there.
Hey guy, I'm coming in
and you're going out.
Little help, little bit!
Don't worry about it, I got it.
Shut the front door.
Thanks for this.
She was coming in to shoot you.
I could've handled it.
It's not like I killed her.
Well, you think she's
just gonna wake up
and forget about this?
You know, I need to keep
a low profile.
Oh,
in your exotic
cartoon muscle car
that you drive around
the country all night?
It's not exotic, it's domestic.
What do, a we, slash you,
do now?
Well, I didn't attack her.
No, no.
You just checked into a
motel under false pretenses,
and did not have some lot
lizard teen girl
disappear into your
room all day.
You're not a lot lizard,
are you?
No, I'm just
describing the optics.
Well, what do you think
we should do?
I saw you, with the guy
at the auto parts store.
What did you see, exactly?
Something that explains why
I never get out of breath.
Why I sleep in, why I
need my burgers rare.
That guy was an asshole,
and an antisemite.
I'm still hungry.
Have you ever.
No.
I mean.
You know, now is not
a bad time to open up.
Possums, and raccoons.
One time a really mean goose
that had chased me
earlier in the day.
Yeah, well, geese are jerks.
Nothing too cute.
Never a person?
Nope.
Let me see your teeth.
Lean down.
Close your eyes.
Inhale.
Open your mouth, and
concentrate.
Told you.
Oy vey.
What now?
Just like look
at her neck.
So I just go for it.
Trust your instincts.
I didn't know I was that strong.
Well, you're still growing.
Sheeple, actual sheeple,
half man, half sheep.
They're out there,
genetically engineered.
I guess you never forgot.
This tracks.
It should look as if she
left on her own accord.
Hopefully it's a few days
before they search the rooms.
Jackpot.
Hey, hey, what are
you an animal?
Use a fork.
I never do two this
close together.
It's my fault.
It really is.
I'm sorry.
Could be worse.
I would've done it, you know?
I know.
We'd better high tail out if
we're gonna put any distance
between ourselves and this
meesa maschina before sunrise.
So where to?
Through the Indian reservations.
Native American.
Sorry, I gotta keep up
with the nomenclature.
What's there?
Good to drive through,
pretty rural.
And then where?
You said Idaho.
What?
You, you can't take me back.
I spent weeks finding you.
You did it.
You found me.
I'm sorry about
that lady and everything,
but I don't have anyone.
There's no one there.
They were gonna make
me go into foster care.
Well, you're 15, a
few more years,
you can do whatever you want.
I can do whatever I want
right now, dude.
What I wanted was to find
you and figure my shit out.
Well, you sure figured out
some of it, didn't you?
Listen, man,
for two weeks I followed
you, on buses and trains,
hitchhiking with creeps.
I stole a fucking
bicycle in Oklahoma
and rode as fast as I could
to a bar outside Tulsa
that posted this.
What is that with the,
with the, the, the
thing, what is the thing?
The hashtags?
You use them to
identify your post,
so people can find other posts
with the same tags,
like barracuda.
My point is, I braved some
serious shit to track you down.
I sure as hell won't be
dragged back to the trashcan
I just got out of.
What do you think this is?
You think that I've got
someplace that I can take you?
Like a secret hideout?
Like the bat cave?
No, you've been on my ass
for weeks, you've seen it.
I got nothing.
I sure as hell got
nothing for you.
What happens if you go out
during the day?
I fucking explode.
Do you always 'do' people?
When the opportunity arises,
but sometimes animals just
doesn't agree with me.
How old are you old?
Old.
Where are you from?
Someplace that doesn't
exist anymore.
Does anyone know about you?
One person, now two.
Do you have family?
Not anymore.
You can drop me at a bus
station, I know all I need to.
There's nobody in Idaho?
No.
My mother has a
cousin in Nebraska.
They tried to get in touch
with her, but didn't hear back,
so they said I'd go to
a group home.
Where exactly in Nebraska?
Some shitty town.
They're all shitty towns.
Show me on the thing.
Eight hours, 36 minutes.
I don't even know them.
They're real people.
And you're not a person?
Definitely not.
What does that make me?
Few more hours to
go, just gotta get some gas,
and some sleep.
Can I help you?
Just passing through.
We were on 191, decided
to take the scenic route.
You okay?
We're fine.
Been driving all night?
Just decided to get
an early start.
Well, I've got gas.
I just need to prime the pump,
if this young lady will help me.
Bathroom's in the back.
I know you probably need it.
Is that man your father?
He is.
You don't see the resemblance?
Yeah, spittin' image.
He gets me for the summer.
He's taking me home,
seeing the sights.
He insists on taking
this old heap.
Doesn't like to drive over 60.
It's his excuse for
more quality time.
Well, you're a good kid
for putting up with it.
My kids, they hit 12, 13.
They didn't want anything
to do with me.
I just think kids are growing
up too fast now these days.
He means well.
I had my kids young too.
Just didn't have the
perspective, you know.
When you're older, you're
gonna appreciate all this.
I'm Nathan.
I'm Jane.
This is Francis.
Man, you guys look really tired.
There's a hotel like 40
miles down 191
if you don't mind
backtracking a little.
You know if it's all
the same to you,
could we rent your
garage for the day?
I just have to get outta the
sun and clean the headers and
you know, get some of the
schmutz outta the breaks.
How about,
how about 60 for the day?
Oh, 60 bucks and a fill up.
Yeah.
Sure, and I can help
if you want.
Oh no, I got a great
assistant right here.
You let him have it.
It'll keep him spry.
Listen, I gotta head up to
grand junction.
So, if you finish up early,
just make sure you
close the gate.
There's not much to
steal here anyway.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Much obliged.
How often do you
have to do this?
Every few weeks, or more.
Usually more.
It's horrible for the
environment.
Hmm, so are cell phones,
and eating people.
It's a lot of mental gymnastics.
What about the future?
I live in the future.
Says the guy who's gonna
be looking for lunch
in the thunder dome parking lot.
Hand me that.
What do you want,
to do?
I never really thought about it.
Spent a lot of time with
my mom in the hospital.
It seems like a good field,
but that requires school.
You look smart.
So do you, those can
be deceiving.
At least you got a future
writing schtick.
What did you do, before?
I was a surgeon.
Basically just a mechanic.
You're welcome to crash
in the front or wherever.
Just gotta get a
couple hours sleep.
You mind if I listen
to some music?
Knock yourself out.
I sleep like the dead.
If I sleep the same
way every night
Try it and make it feel
like something's going on
And make it feel like
people all around
I know what I said,
but you opened the trunk
two feet from my head.
What, you can't sneak
up on people?
Be careful putting
that all back.
Are those your family?
And yours, I guess.
Where are they?
Gone.
There must be some cousins.
All gone.
How did you?
A person'll do anything
to stay alive,
to keep themselves alive.
The irony is, after
they turned me,
they kept trying to kill me.
Days in those showers
and elsewhere.
I was so scared when they
came to save us.
Back then you looked like
you'd been through some shit,
they'd let you roam around
searching for your kin,
but there wasn't anything,
there wasn't anybody.
So when the last shipment of
coffins destined for the states
was being loaded up, I
decided to start over.
But the world had changed.
I didn't have anything, I
didn't have an identity.
A couple nice folks took
me in early on,
but not family.
That's why you're
going to Nebraska,
because if they're your
family, they're all you got.
What does that make you?
Yeah, I looked up the town
in the Nebraska guidebook,
seems very historic.
They have a, a big lake.
I'm not really the
outdoorsy type.
They have a petrified
wood museum too.
Hmm.
A museum about you.
It's better than spending
your life on the run.
I just met you.
Which was your plan, right?
I guess.
I wanted to know who I was,
what.
And now you do, good deal.
This whole thing was a mistake.
Maybe.
You know, you could express
the tiniest bit of wistfulness.
It's been a whirlwind 48 hours.
I'm sorry that this
doesn't fit your narrative.
That's not an apology.
Not like I asked for one,
which all things considered,
should have been
where you started.
What do you want from me?
Fucking everything.
I don't have anything!
It happens when I get mad,
so I try not to get mad.
Working out great for you.
I can't give you what you
think you want.
- You're 14.
- 15.
Well I'm older, and even
I don't know what I want.
What I want doesn't
really matter.
But I do need something at
least, you know, safety, a home.
And you have one, it's about
10 miles down the road.
That's your idea of it.
Well this, this isn't it.
You're probably right.
I can walk the rest.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Come on, get in.
Just let me go.
You got your way.
All this fakakta drama.
Can't you just leave
well enough alone?
This is not well enough.
Nothing about this is well.
That's what I keep
trying to tell you.
So let me go!
I wasn't
ignoring them, the letters
and the call.
I just hadn't seen your
mother in 25 years.
I don't know her, and I'm
here on a fixed income.
So there was really
nothing I could offer.
So I figured it was just best
if I left well enough alone.
Well enough?
In the lord's hands.
You got any money?
Hi kiddo.
I was just in the neighborhood.
Can I come in?
60 years I've known you,
and you're still
asking to come in.
Do you have any idea what
time it is, my friend?
She's definitely yours.
How?
You see when two people
really like each other.
Well, what the hell am I
supposed to do?
Be a person.
I'm not a person.
- Is she?
- She's a kid.
That's a type of person.
She shows up, uninvited,
uninvited.
Not everyone has to
be invited in.
She's a liability.
So are you.
She grows old, and she goes
outside during the day.
Do you think she's
safe out there?
She's made it this far.
Hey!
'Sup?
What's your deal?
Nothing.
You party?
Party?
What are you so afraid of?
Besides being burnt
at the stake?
They drive the stake
into your heart.
Maybe also burn you.
Hmm.
I haven't been up this
late in years.
Probably not since the last
time you came by uninvited.
I'm sorry I haven't gotten
the hang of the whole phone.
Or sending money for
registering that damn car
all these years.
You know, I won't be
around forever.
And from the sound of
it, neither will she.
We all need someone to take
care of us when we get old.
I don't have to
worry about that.
I meant her, you putz.
It's like 20% thc,
3% gmt.
What's the other 77%?
What?
The other 77%, what is it?
It's like vape stuff.
Thanks, I'm good.
It'll get you in the mood.
The mood for what?
You know, hanging out.
Okay.
Sure, but you first.
You feel it?
I have a pretty major tolerance.
Cool.
Wanna find a cow to tip?
Maybe in a minute.
Just gonna let this
whole situation sink in.
Maybe go for a stroll.
You like goats?
Pretty cute.
You're cute too.
Are you feeling the juice yet?
You wanna sit and talk?
Maybe play a game?
Yeah, not a whole lot
to do out here.
Caleb.
Let go.
Oh, this shit's got
me fucked up.
Listen, you don't have touch it.
You can just watch.
Have you given any
thought to putting down roots?
I do fine on my own.
Most people don't get
75 years to sew their oats.
You could be someone
in this world.
That's your advice?
Let a teenage kid set
the tone for my life?
No, my advice is to be a father.
I was a father.
It's not like I don't remember.
It's like losing your keys,
you know?
You think they're gonna
turn up one day.
You're just gonna reach
into a pocket,
and there they'll be.
When we met,
you had lost everything,
and not just your keys,
and had become something.
And you know I think
it's a miracle,
that it's a gift you got.
That's a debate we've
had ever since
I was a 23-year-old
hematology resident
who took a wrong turn.
Thank goodness we had
something in common,
but the what you became,
is yours.
And now it's hers.
It belongs to both of
you, and that's family.
I want to
Take you home
And prick with a pin,
like Jerome
He don't like day
I want to
Get you alone
And mend your broken
wing like Jerome
He don't like day only night
I watch him flicker
round the light
A moth can cry, I've
heard it weeping
Jerome you're the only
thing keeping me alive, yeah
Keeping me alive
Yeah, you're
keeping me alive
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Jane.
Who are you?
Her father.
My phone's dead.
So am I.
I'm not mad, I'm,
disappointed?
Impressed.
You're absolutely sure you're
never coming back here.
Fuck no,
never.
May the corpses we burn
lead the way.
Think I'm gonna go vegan.
That might be difficult.
You okay?
I guess, have you ever tried
to avoid people for meals?
Yeah, it's doable, but
it doesn't feel good.
Affects my metabolism,
I get paunchy,
lose my hair.
I wanna go to bed while
it's still dark out.
So it turns you into a dad.
So where are we gonna live?
Live?
Yeah,
house, school.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
What do you think this is?
What are you gonna do?
And why the fuck would
you bother schlipping-
schlepping.
All the way back to save me.
Clearly, you didn't
think this through,
but you came back for me.
Hell of a grand gesture.
Now you're stuck with me.
You're feeling a
little conflicted.
That's fine.
You can imagine how I
feel as a vampire,
who is also a teenager!
It's not like you have
anything else going on.
Live a little.
Plus, it might be good to
be with somebody
who can do stuff during the day.
This feels like a hard sell,
or blackmail.
Or maybe just facing some
semblance of responsibility
after avoiding a few
lifetimes of accountability.
Who knows?
Tomayto, tomahto.
Okay.
What do you suggest that I-
we?
Do?
Well, we need to live somewhere,
which means you need a job,
which means you need
to be a person.
You need a birth certificate,
so you can get a license,
or a social security
card or whatever.
You'd have to get that
from an actual person,
someone who looks your age and
isn't going to miss theirs.
Mm.
Shit.
That thing tell you how far
we are from sunbeam, Colorado?
Sunbeam?
That's a town?
Mm-hm.
The irony.
I think I know someone
who's not using their
birth certificate.
I've always gone for bad guys,
or at least folks
nobody will miss.
It's an imperfect science.
A few years ago, I fucked up.
You? Inconceivable.
I was driving through
the rockies,
and I meet some lady
at a campsite.
She's on the run from
some scumbag,
so I decide after she
leaves, I'm gonna wait,
I'll have a meal.
First person that I see,
I go for.
I barely bit him before I saw
his lanyard, camp counselor.
So I'm just supposed to
see if he's there.
That's it?
Yeah, you're his niece,
and you were in the area looking
at colleges or something,
and a, you know, you just
wanna check in on him,
but scope out the
whole situation.
See if you can find out
where they keep the records,
then I'll go in later tonight.
A little while later,
a bunch of kids come
running through
and they're looking for
bugs and rocks and shit,
and then people come through
and they're looking for him.
I couldn't finish.
I end up hiding in a foxhole
all day with the guy.
So what'd you do?
Well, there's this
thing I can do.
Maybe I'll try the look thing.
Don't try the look thing.
It makes 'em nuts.
It breaks their brains,
full meshuggeneh.
Do it long enough, and
it's permanent.
I feel horrible about
the whole thing.
So I call around, find
the hospital he's in.
They tell me that he's a
danger to himself and others.
He thinks he's a,
he needs blood.
Anyway, they send him to
an institution, for life.
In sunbeam.
Mm-hmm.
Where they'd have his records,
like his birth certificate.
And he'd be about 35 now.
Hi.
Can I help you, miss?
Yes.
Doctor?
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a receptionist.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, I'm a looking for a
Roger fieldner.
Is he a patient here?
Who are you?
His niece.
I was in the area visiting
a friend and my mom said,
this is where he was kept.
And how old are you?
Hold on a minute.
Hi, I'm doctor seward.
I work with your uncle.
So he's here?
Oh, oh yes.
He's still here.
You're his niece?
Yep.
He didn't mention
having any siblings.
Of course he hasn't
had much to say
over the last decade or so.
I'll have to revisit my
records on him.
So you have those?
Of course, we have everything.
Sure.
Well, well good, good.
Yeah. Good, good old uncle-
- Roger.
- Roger.
Roger, big, big rog.
He's very short.
That's the joke.
How can we help you?
You know, I,
I think I'm good.
Oh, you don't wanna see him?
Uh.
You came all this way.
Let's get you two caught up.
You know, it's been years
since anyone's visited him.
Seeing a family member
can be very therapeutic.
I mean, it can really set
them on a positive track.
He's completely catatonic.
Bummer.
Don't be anxious, it's more
for their safety than ours.
Also ours.
Oh.
We don't leave him in
here all day.
He comes out to watch judge
Judy and judge Joe brown,
all the judges.
Big hits around here.
And we wheel him around.
But the quiet time suits him.
Don't be concerned.
He hasn't moved or
spoken in ages.
I'll give you guys a
couple of minutes.
If you need anything,
just holler.
I have to close the door,
policy.
Hi.
Sorry.
This was a mistake.
You.
You're with him.
Who?
You know.
I, I, I, I don't know.
What can I do for him?
Me and him,
hiding,
holding me in his arms.
The smell of his leather jacket,
cold breath of his teeth.
He didn't go through with it.
It's not his fault.
I totally get it, it's
circumstantial.
He sent you to finish it.
I've been waiting for
this moment for so long.
Dude. I, I, I don't know.
Where is he?
Just let him give me a taste.
Yeah, I better get going.
If you leave I'll scream.
And I'll tell them I
don't know you.
Buddy, I don't think
you're in any position
to bargain here.
What can I do for my master?
My liege, my king in leather.
You're his daughter.
He's your father.
Did he send you to finish me?
Ew. No.
What can I offer him?
Well,
There is one thing.
Anything, just give me a taste.
Of what?
Let me taste you.
Okay, nope.
Not, not even your blood.
Just your flesh.
I'm gonna go.
Well, what do you want then?
- We need.
- Anything.
A copy of your records,
the stuff they have on you.
Hey, I can do that.
I'll tell them to sign it over.
They have to do it if
I tell them to do it.
Just give me a taste.
Let me bite your neck.
No.
What about your leg?
Okay, you gotta give me
something to work with here.
All right, this is
not a sex thing.
Everything is a sex thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Stick out your tongue.
Eyes closed.
God, this is fucking insane.
Yeah.
Shut up.
You gonna tell them to give
me a copy of your records?
Yeah.
Hey, you know you could have
just done the staring thing.
Yeah, worked out great for you.
You were just supposed
to scope it out,
check out the location.
Now they're gonna be able
to finger you.
What a choice of words there,
man.
But you got it.
Yeah, that guy's not
going anywhere, anytime.
Poor schmuck.
At least nobody's
looking for him.
No, but they got a
good look at you.
So?
You show up in
photos and videos.
What, and you don't?
No.
One more thing.
Skies the other day,
and of course, what do you
think I sensed?
We're closed, there's
nobody here.
I know, but I think I dropped
my keys earlier, inside.
I'm not a patient.
No, I didn't think you were.
Gotta come back in the morning,
check the lost and found.
Oh man, I gotta be at work
in the morning, real early,
'cause I'm a delivery
guy and you know,
I gotta get people their stuff.
It's very important, and so
could I come in and look.
Sorry.
Come on, man come on, let me in.
Nah bro.
Hey man, could we please
just come in for a second,
try and find my dad's keys?
I've got a term paper due
in the morning.
I think I got this.
I'm not sure you do.
It's totally gonna bone my gpa.
Ah, god!
This is exactly why mom
left you, you're such a bum.
Shit, that was uncalled for.
Uh,
just,
just real quick.
- Okay?
- Yeah?
I'm not gonna like get on
the ground or anything,
'cause I got a bad back.
So I can come in?
Yes.
Hey,
my, my wife left me too,
and, uh, she's a bitch.
She's like a total cunt.
You know she just
wouldn't like get in line
no matter how many times
I, you know.
You know, now I hear she's
screwing-
That was an easy choice.
I'm gonna go grab the
security tapes.
Pull the car around.
You want me to drive?
Yeah, just pull it up.
I, I can't drive.
Well, it's not a stick.
I've never driven a car.
Well, by the time I
was your age.
There were cars?
No, yes.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Just grab the body, put
it in the trunk.
I'll get the tapes.
Oops, oh Jesus.
Ay ay ay.
Okay, now give it a little gas.
Yeah and,
ooh that's a little too much,
brake, brake, brake, brake!
Uh huh, uh huh, okay
and then just.
All right now, just give
it a little bit more gas.
And there you, alright.
This really increases
our productivity.
Just keep it under 90.
Where to?
South.
Now west.
Here?
What are you, meshuggeneh?
Well, this'll do.
They just want an army
of soy boy vegan zombies.
So your family.
Really?
I need the scratch.
It's a pawn shop.
We can always come back for it.
People come back for
stuff all the time, right?
Oh yeah, for sure.
My customers take their
vows real serious.
These folks'll all be back.
It's German air force.
Nazi shit is huge.
It always has been.
It's worth thousands.
I'll give you 600.
How much do you say the
security deposit was?
We're closed.
I think I could help with that.
I got a lot of experience.
I don't offer dental.
Can I work at night?
If you can get it all done,
I don't care when you work.
You sure this is gonna work?
It's like spf 1000,
just make a run for it.
Does it look natural?
Looks great.
Just remember to
close your eyes.
I'll never get used to this.
It's like junk food.
You're gonna get a dad bod.
A what?
You need to look the part.
We should talk about your style.
I look bitchin'.
You look like your dressed
as the fonz for Halloween,
every day.
Nice Jewish boy.
I can't tell if I'm schvitzing
because it's getting light
out or because I look like a-
dad?
Schlemiel.
Great.
You look 10 years older.
Roger, Jane?
I'm miss shelling.
Thanks for meeting
with us so early.
My dad's gotta get to work.
I gotta get to work.
Oh, of course, no worries.
Come in.
Go.
Well, since you were
homeschooled,
you'll have assessment tests,
but otherwise you're
good to start.
And, uh, we also have some
programs that may interest you,
including a support
group for single parents.
I attend it as well.
Diana, what a drag it
is being young
I wanna be older and gray
Feeding ducks and walking
the mall could be fun
It'll be okay
Hey Diana
That could be us
That could be you and me
Hey, Diana, that could
be
How was your day?
Peachy.
Mine was fine, thanks.
Good talk.
Your jacket's too small for you.
I heard that.
This is gross.
Told you that's what happens
when I eat dead stock.
I'll look like yul brynner
within a month.
I'll pick up some draino.
Daylight savings ended
a few days ago.
Wanna catch an early
movie tonight?
Hmm.
Maybe go for a drive?
Where?
I don't know, for fun.
Like a talk.
We're talking now.
This isn't easy for me, either.
Oy gevalt, what
else do you want from me?
It isn't what I want from
you, it's what we have to do.
We have to look like
real people.
We have something to hide,
at least until I go to college
and you become my
fuck-up brother.
Oh, you mean my promotion?
Yes, yes.
Your dream of finally going
from boring dad to fun brother.
Just think, you'll
eventually be my son,
and then all your entitled
shit will make sense.
And then I'll die.
Don't be a brat.
I'm being 16.
So you're being dramatic.
Isn't that what you want?
To get rid of me?
Look around, look at
my fucking gut,
and tell me that I haven't
done every damn thing
to give you a life,
if you can call it that.
Hocking your watch
doesn't make you a father.
And pretending to be a kid,
doesn't make you a person.
You can't have it both ways.
God, I hate you!
Finally.
Hi, my name is Roger,
and I moved here a few
weeks ago with my daughter.
Go on, Roger.
Tell us about yourselves,
whatever you like.
I didn't know my daughter,
I didn't raise her.
Her mother raised her,
raised her well,
but we didn't know each
other. Um,
and when she came to
live with me,
I didn't have a life
ready for her.
I didn't have one for myself,
really.
So building that,
is difficult.
It's hard to know if the
decisions that I'm making
are right for her,
even if they're not
right for myself.
If that, that really matters.
Could you elaborate on that,
Roger?
I guess I mean,
part of being a parent is
thinking about your kid
before yourself,
and that's a good thing,
it's right.
But it doesn't change
the urge to-
be selfish.
That's right.
Or at least remember
who you were,
but maybe that's just who
I thought I was,
and who I am is who I am now.
Hey Roger.
Hey,
thanks for coming tonight.
I'm sure that was hard.
It seems like you're in the
middle of a major transition,
parenting, new town, new life.
You know, I went through that.
It just takes time.
We've got that, plenty.
Could I give you a
piece of advice?
Sure.
She's a good kid.
She's well-adjusted.
You're doing great, okay?
So just give yourself a break.
Find something that you
and your kid connect on,
a hobby or a cause, something
you can do together.
That is good advice.
Thanks.
It's what I do.
I'm gonna.
Of course.
It's slowly shedding?
Yeah.
It was so sad.
Surprise.
How'd you know I was here?
Fatherly intuition.
Who's your friend?
This is Terry, also a night owl.
Hey, um, I need your
help with something.
Would you hop in?
Don't sweat it.
I got a big night planned
with the fam, anyway.
On a Tuesday?
We do it every month, kind
of a tradition.
See ya.
Terry seems nice.
Yeah, they really
seem to get me.
I was thinking, maybe we could
go on a little field trip?
Like a dad-daughter thing.
Before you take me out
to the boonies
and Bury me in a shallow grave?
Oh, it wouldn't be shallow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
And you're right.
You're gonna die.
I knew it.
But for now, for a very,
very long time,
we're gonna be together.
That's nice.
I mean, I get it.
I guess I agree.
I got you something.
I know money's tight, so
don't bug out.
I stole it.
New jacket.
I can't go to a bar.
I know.
What, so you need a
designated driver?
Watch the bar.
You see that guy?
- The biker?
- Mm-hm.
His name's quincey Morris,
and he posted bond
earlier today.
- Like jail?
- Mm-hm.
Sold a bunch of meth, which
is not a bad business per se,
but he cut it with hairspray
and a lot of people got
sick and died.
How do you know all this?
I looked it up on the Internet,
all over Facebook.
What's that?
Anyway, as much as I
love a steak tartar,
we could make a little
fun project out of him.
I'm not exactly, um,
well versed on
indulging in this.
I know, but that's why I'm here.
You know, this is one of
the few things
that I'm uniquely
suited to help with.
Think of it as a life lesson,
like driving stick or fishing.
I know, it's weird.
Yeah, but,
this is something we share.
It's us.
Plus the guy's a
fucking murderer.
What's the plan?
Oh.
Hey man, this your bike?
Yeah, what the fuck about it?
Looks like you got a pretty
bad leak coming off the box.
What the fuck?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's probably
just a shaft seal.
You know, I work on
bikes over in town.
I got a box of seals
in the trunk of my car.
I'm sure I have your size.
Come on.
[Jane growling
This stinks.
Next time.
Is it weird I'm hungry?
At this point, nothing is weird.
Maybe we just stick to animals.
I'll go bald, get a paunch.
You've had generations of
being a good looking young man.
Maybe it's worth it to
let yourself go a little.
Priorities?
Jacket looks good.
Thanks.
Can I have your old one?
I've been going all night
Heading into the dawn
White lines, road signs,
and moonlight
Turn the music up
and drive on
I've logged so many miles
But I'm still so many away
And I've run through
the conversation
So many times
That all I really
want to say
Is you can bleed
through me now, darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me
Sun breaks on the horizon
Leaving all the
darkness behind
And while I know I'll never
get where I'm going to
One last thought is
in my mind
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
Now it has been
brought to my attention
via one of our loyal listeners
that families of
mind-control vampires
are crisscrossing the country
in vintage muscle cars.
Who knows what other
clans of monsters
and other underworld creatures
are infiltrating our
values and ways of life?
And what's next?
Lgbtqfo werewolf potlucks,
and multi-species
bigfoot summer camps?
Mummies desecrating our
American flag for wrappings.
And we all know where
the mummies come from,
one of those
countries over there.
I will be damned if they
take the muscle car away
from real American human beings.
I say we spray every
vintage muscle car
with my brand new garlic
spray, only $29.99.
And it can be used a
stick seasoning as well.
And I also have sticks for sale,
both the meat kind and
for-killing-vampire kind.
Patriots, I am always prepared.
Oy vey.
There's always tonight.
You think
I'm gonna take health
advice from a doctor?
They make money off the sick.
And it's in my liberal doctor's
interest this thing be done.
Getting diabetes is my right,
both types.
To actually hear the truth-
Hey, hey pal, your uh,
your sign says you're open
'til eight.
I think I got five minutes,
right?
Can I come in?
I know exactly what I need.
Hello?
Put a cast
iron pan in a dishwasher.
Hi, I need two carb gaskets.
What is that, five bucks?
I'll give you 10.
I just closed.
Yeah, I know.
I was right outside.
That was me, I was
here with minutes to spare.
Come back tomorrow.
Come on, I, I schlepped
all the way down here.
You did what?
Schlep.
Yeah, what is that?
Yiddish.
Yid?
Ish.
No.
Come on man.
Be a mensch.
Be a person.
Why should I?
Hiya.
Hi.
I need a room.
Here?
Why not?
To each his own, ID
and credit card.
You mind cash?
I left my wallet at a
waffle house in racine,
real bonehead move,
but luckily I keep some
cash in the glove box
for emergencies.
That's real smart.
I too have made some
regrettable decisions
at a waffle house,
they tempt you.
With the waffles, that's
how they get you.
It is.
Well, there's no waffle
house in town,
but we do have a former taco-
bell-pizza-hut combination,
that's now a vape shop,
and an old American legion
with a beer license.
The vets that ran it all died,
and they just let anybody
drink in there.
All the bases covered, how much?
Usually it's $27.95,
but the water heater went
out last week. Um,
you wanna make it $20?
Sounds fair.
Fellas?
The fibanatti
are putting chemicals
in wing sauce
to make men docile and
submissive.
It's the only explanation
of why we have been primed.
Hey!
I need a shower.
You wanna be here this bad,
you really got
nowhere else to be,
but we do have rules
about guests,
especially ones that ain't ripe.
The girl?
She didn't look a day over 16.
What girl?
You seem like a nice man,
but a lot of bad men seem
like nice men.
That is how they get ya.
Behave yourself.
Ah!
Tuchas leker!
Hand me that.
No, the bucket with
the ice in it.
Get outta here.
You want me to open
the door again?
I don't have anything.
Your car.
I'm not giving you my car.
1969 barracuda fastback
with a 383 in blue.
That's the one.
They made two shades, ice
blue code b-3 and blue fire.
That one was b-5, that
one was rare.
I didn't know which blue it was.
They also made a b-7,
Jamaica blue.
Not in the 383.
They only made 272
fastbacks in the 383
and a slap stick automatic,
and only 16 in ice blue,
11 in blue fire.
- Yours is blue fire.
- Mine is blue fire.
Of those 11 there's only
three still registered.
One is in Portsmouth, Maine,
and belongs to a
retired orthodontist.
Another is for sale in
Miami by a broker,
but it has the a57 'cuda
package, yours doesn't.
The third's registered to an
elderly woman in Minnesota.
That's my aunt, car's hers.
How the fuck do you know this?
The Internet.
And how'd you find me?
The Internet.
Who are you?
I'm Vanessa Murray's daughter,
from elk river, Idaho.
You passed through 15 years ago.
Hand me that.
The other one.
She worked at the
only bar in town.
She heard a recording of
gtterdmmerung
coming from your car when
you pulled in.
Wagner, opera.
She was 22, said you were older.
Nah, I'll be 31 this
year, couldn't be me.
You stood in the doorway and
asked if you could come in.
You were wearing a black
leather jacket, like that.
You stayed until closing,
just you and her.
She sang you
brunhilde's immolation.
You told her it was the
most beautiful thing
you'd ever heard.
You drove her home in the
blue barracuda,
and her heart beat as
fast as the motor.
You spent another hour
in the car together.
It was a Wednesday.
Go tell your mother
she's mistaken.
She died three weeks ago.
Oh.
It was her heart.
Since I was born.
What are you getting at?
I go out, have to
cover up a lot.
Always wear sunscreen, spf
a million, avoided recess,
but I can go out during the day.
What's your name?
Jane.
Got anything to eat?
Jesus
says, to love thy neighbor.
Well, what if your neighbor
doesn't love Jesus?
Can I help you?
You got any jerky?
Anything with meat in it?
No.
Where are you from?
Around.
How old are you, hun?
Told him I don't abide
this type of thing.
Sort you out as soon
as I take care of him.
Holy shit.
Hey, lady, you got
the wrong idea.
Just hold up.
I don't got no idea and I
don't want any,
his ass is goin' and yours
is moving on.
No no, he's my dad.
That's just disgusting.
I know you gotta do
what you gotta do,
but that kind of thing strikes
me as quite inappropriate.
Seriously? Look, you
can't go in there.
Hey guy, I'm coming in
and you're going out.
Little help, little bit!
Don't worry about it, I got it.
Shut the front door.
Thanks for this.
She was coming in to shoot you.
I could've handled it.
It's not like I killed her.
Well, you think she's
just gonna wake up
and forget about this?
You know, I need to keep
a low profile.
Oh,
in your exotic
cartoon muscle car
that you drive around
the country all night?
It's not exotic, it's domestic.
What do, a we, slash you,
do now?
Well, I didn't attack her.
No, no.
You just checked into a
motel under false pretenses,
and did not have some lot
lizard teen girl
disappear into your
room all day.
You're not a lot lizard,
are you?
No, I'm just
describing the optics.
Well, what do you think
we should do?
I saw you, with the guy
at the auto parts store.
What did you see, exactly?
Something that explains why
I never get out of breath.
Why I sleep in, why I
need my burgers rare.
That guy was an asshole,
and an antisemite.
I'm still hungry.
Have you ever.
No.
I mean.
You know, now is not
a bad time to open up.
Possums, and raccoons.
One time a really mean goose
that had chased me
earlier in the day.
Yeah, well, geese are jerks.
Nothing too cute.
Never a person?
Nope.
Let me see your teeth.
Lean down.
Close your eyes.
Inhale.
Open your mouth, and
concentrate.
Told you.
Oy vey.
What now?
Just like look
at her neck.
So I just go for it.
Trust your instincts.
I didn't know I was that strong.
Well, you're still growing.
Sheeple, actual sheeple,
half man, half sheep.
They're out there,
genetically engineered.
I guess you never forgot.
This tracks.
It should look as if she
left on her own accord.
Hopefully it's a few days
before they search the rooms.
Jackpot.
Hey, hey, what are
you an animal?
Use a fork.
I never do two this
close together.
It's my fault.
It really is.
I'm sorry.
Could be worse.
I would've done it, you know?
I know.
We'd better high tail out if
we're gonna put any distance
between ourselves and this
meesa maschina before sunrise.
So where to?
Through the Indian reservations.
Native American.
Sorry, I gotta keep up
with the nomenclature.
What's there?
Good to drive through,
pretty rural.
And then where?
You said Idaho.
What?
You, you can't take me back.
I spent weeks finding you.
You did it.
You found me.
I'm sorry about
that lady and everything,
but I don't have anyone.
There's no one there.
They were gonna make
me go into foster care.
Well, you're 15, a
few more years,
you can do whatever you want.
I can do whatever I want
right now, dude.
What I wanted was to find
you and figure my shit out.
Well, you sure figured out
some of it, didn't you?
Listen, man,
for two weeks I followed
you, on buses and trains,
hitchhiking with creeps.
I stole a fucking
bicycle in Oklahoma
and rode as fast as I could
to a bar outside Tulsa
that posted this.
What is that with the,
with the, the, the
thing, what is the thing?
The hashtags?
You use them to
identify your post,
so people can find other posts
with the same tags,
like barracuda.
My point is, I braved some
serious shit to track you down.
I sure as hell won't be
dragged back to the trashcan
I just got out of.
What do you think this is?
You think that I've got
someplace that I can take you?
Like a secret hideout?
Like the bat cave?
No, you've been on my ass
for weeks, you've seen it.
I got nothing.
I sure as hell got
nothing for you.
What happens if you go out
during the day?
I fucking explode.
Do you always 'do' people?
When the opportunity arises,
but sometimes animals just
doesn't agree with me.
How old are you old?
Old.
Where are you from?
Someplace that doesn't
exist anymore.
Does anyone know about you?
One person, now two.
Do you have family?
Not anymore.
You can drop me at a bus
station, I know all I need to.
There's nobody in Idaho?
No.
My mother has a
cousin in Nebraska.
They tried to get in touch
with her, but didn't hear back,
so they said I'd go to
a group home.
Where exactly in Nebraska?
Some shitty town.
They're all shitty towns.
Show me on the thing.
Eight hours, 36 minutes.
I don't even know them.
They're real people.
And you're not a person?
Definitely not.
What does that make me?
Few more hours to
go, just gotta get some gas,
and some sleep.
Can I help you?
Just passing through.
We were on 191, decided
to take the scenic route.
You okay?
We're fine.
Been driving all night?
Just decided to get
an early start.
Well, I've got gas.
I just need to prime the pump,
if this young lady will help me.
Bathroom's in the back.
I know you probably need it.
Is that man your father?
He is.
You don't see the resemblance?
Yeah, spittin' image.
He gets me for the summer.
He's taking me home,
seeing the sights.
He insists on taking
this old heap.
Doesn't like to drive over 60.
It's his excuse for
more quality time.
Well, you're a good kid
for putting up with it.
My kids, they hit 12, 13.
They didn't want anything
to do with me.
I just think kids are growing
up too fast now these days.
He means well.
I had my kids young too.
Just didn't have the
perspective, you know.
When you're older, you're
gonna appreciate all this.
I'm Nathan.
I'm Jane.
This is Francis.
Man, you guys look really tired.
There's a hotel like 40
miles down 191
if you don't mind
backtracking a little.
You know if it's all
the same to you,
could we rent your
garage for the day?
I just have to get outta the
sun and clean the headers and
you know, get some of the
schmutz outta the breaks.
How about,
how about 60 for the day?
Oh, 60 bucks and a fill up.
Yeah.
Sure, and I can help
if you want.
Oh no, I got a great
assistant right here.
You let him have it.
It'll keep him spry.
Listen, I gotta head up to
grand junction.
So, if you finish up early,
just make sure you
close the gate.
There's not much to
steal here anyway.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Much obliged.
How often do you
have to do this?
Every few weeks, or more.
Usually more.
It's horrible for the
environment.
Hmm, so are cell phones,
and eating people.
It's a lot of mental gymnastics.
What about the future?
I live in the future.
Says the guy who's gonna
be looking for lunch
in the thunder dome parking lot.
Hand me that.
What do you want,
to do?
I never really thought about it.
Spent a lot of time with
my mom in the hospital.
It seems like a good field,
but that requires school.
You look smart.
So do you, those can
be deceiving.
At least you got a future
writing schtick.
What did you do, before?
I was a surgeon.
Basically just a mechanic.
You're welcome to crash
in the front or wherever.
Just gotta get a
couple hours sleep.
You mind if I listen
to some music?
Knock yourself out.
I sleep like the dead.
If I sleep the same
way every night
Try it and make it feel
like something's going on
And make it feel like
people all around
I know what I said,
but you opened the trunk
two feet from my head.
What, you can't sneak
up on people?
Be careful putting
that all back.
Are those your family?
And yours, I guess.
Where are they?
Gone.
There must be some cousins.
All gone.
How did you?
A person'll do anything
to stay alive,
to keep themselves alive.
The irony is, after
they turned me,
they kept trying to kill me.
Days in those showers
and elsewhere.
I was so scared when they
came to save us.
Back then you looked like
you'd been through some shit,
they'd let you roam around
searching for your kin,
but there wasn't anything,
there wasn't anybody.
So when the last shipment of
coffins destined for the states
was being loaded up, I
decided to start over.
But the world had changed.
I didn't have anything, I
didn't have an identity.
A couple nice folks took
me in early on,
but not family.
That's why you're
going to Nebraska,
because if they're your
family, they're all you got.
What does that make you?
Yeah, I looked up the town
in the Nebraska guidebook,
seems very historic.
They have a, a big lake.
I'm not really the
outdoorsy type.
They have a petrified
wood museum too.
Hmm.
A museum about you.
It's better than spending
your life on the run.
I just met you.
Which was your plan, right?
I guess.
I wanted to know who I was,
what.
And now you do, good deal.
This whole thing was a mistake.
Maybe.
You know, you could express
the tiniest bit of wistfulness.
It's been a whirlwind 48 hours.
I'm sorry that this
doesn't fit your narrative.
That's not an apology.
Not like I asked for one,
which all things considered,
should have been
where you started.
What do you want from me?
Fucking everything.
I don't have anything!
It happens when I get mad,
so I try not to get mad.
Working out great for you.
I can't give you what you
think you want.
- You're 14.
- 15.
Well I'm older, and even
I don't know what I want.
What I want doesn't
really matter.
But I do need something at
least, you know, safety, a home.
And you have one, it's about
10 miles down the road.
That's your idea of it.
Well this, this isn't it.
You're probably right.
I can walk the rest.
Oh, come on.
Come on.
Come on, get in.
Just let me go.
You got your way.
All this fakakta drama.
Can't you just leave
well enough alone?
This is not well enough.
Nothing about this is well.
That's what I keep
trying to tell you.
So let me go!
I wasn't
ignoring them, the letters
and the call.
I just hadn't seen your
mother in 25 years.
I don't know her, and I'm
here on a fixed income.
So there was really
nothing I could offer.
So I figured it was just best
if I left well enough alone.
Well enough?
In the lord's hands.
You got any money?
Hi kiddo.
I was just in the neighborhood.
Can I come in?
60 years I've known you,
and you're still
asking to come in.
Do you have any idea what
time it is, my friend?
She's definitely yours.
How?
You see when two people
really like each other.
Well, what the hell am I
supposed to do?
Be a person.
I'm not a person.
- Is she?
- She's a kid.
That's a type of person.
She shows up, uninvited,
uninvited.
Not everyone has to
be invited in.
She's a liability.
So are you.
She grows old, and she goes
outside during the day.
Do you think she's
safe out there?
She's made it this far.
Hey!
'Sup?
What's your deal?
Nothing.
You party?
Party?
What are you so afraid of?
Besides being burnt
at the stake?
They drive the stake
into your heart.
Maybe also burn you.
Hmm.
I haven't been up this
late in years.
Probably not since the last
time you came by uninvited.
I'm sorry I haven't gotten
the hang of the whole phone.
Or sending money for
registering that damn car
all these years.
You know, I won't be
around forever.
And from the sound of
it, neither will she.
We all need someone to take
care of us when we get old.
I don't have to
worry about that.
I meant her, you putz.
It's like 20% thc,
3% gmt.
What's the other 77%?
What?
The other 77%, what is it?
It's like vape stuff.
Thanks, I'm good.
It'll get you in the mood.
The mood for what?
You know, hanging out.
Okay.
Sure, but you first.
You feel it?
I have a pretty major tolerance.
Cool.
Wanna find a cow to tip?
Maybe in a minute.
Just gonna let this
whole situation sink in.
Maybe go for a stroll.
You like goats?
Pretty cute.
You're cute too.
Are you feeling the juice yet?
You wanna sit and talk?
Maybe play a game?
Yeah, not a whole lot
to do out here.
Caleb.
Let go.
Oh, this shit's got
me fucked up.
Listen, you don't have touch it.
You can just watch.
Have you given any
thought to putting down roots?
I do fine on my own.
Most people don't get
75 years to sew their oats.
You could be someone
in this world.
That's your advice?
Let a teenage kid set
the tone for my life?
No, my advice is to be a father.
I was a father.
It's not like I don't remember.
It's like losing your keys,
you know?
You think they're gonna
turn up one day.
You're just gonna reach
into a pocket,
and there they'll be.
When we met,
you had lost everything,
and not just your keys,
and had become something.
And you know I think
it's a miracle,
that it's a gift you got.
That's a debate we've
had ever since
I was a 23-year-old
hematology resident
who took a wrong turn.
Thank goodness we had
something in common,
but the what you became,
is yours.
And now it's hers.
It belongs to both of
you, and that's family.
I want to
Take you home
And prick with a pin,
like Jerome
He don't like day
I want to
Get you alone
And mend your broken
wing like Jerome
He don't like day only night
I watch him flicker
round the light
A moth can cry, I've
heard it weeping
Jerome you're the only
thing keeping me alive, yeah
Keeping me alive
Yeah, you're
keeping me alive
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Jane.
Who are you?
Her father.
My phone's dead.
So am I.
I'm not mad, I'm,
disappointed?
Impressed.
You're absolutely sure you're
never coming back here.
Fuck no,
never.
May the corpses we burn
lead the way.
Think I'm gonna go vegan.
That might be difficult.
You okay?
I guess, have you ever tried
to avoid people for meals?
Yeah, it's doable, but
it doesn't feel good.
Affects my metabolism,
I get paunchy,
lose my hair.
I wanna go to bed while
it's still dark out.
So it turns you into a dad.
So where are we gonna live?
Live?
Yeah,
house, school.
Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
What do you think this is?
What are you gonna do?
And why the fuck would
you bother schlipping-
schlepping.
All the way back to save me.
Clearly, you didn't
think this through,
but you came back for me.
Hell of a grand gesture.
Now you're stuck with me.
You're feeling a
little conflicted.
That's fine.
You can imagine how I
feel as a vampire,
who is also a teenager!
It's not like you have
anything else going on.
Live a little.
Plus, it might be good to
be with somebody
who can do stuff during the day.
This feels like a hard sell,
or blackmail.
Or maybe just facing some
semblance of responsibility
after avoiding a few
lifetimes of accountability.
Who knows?
Tomayto, tomahto.
Okay.
What do you suggest that I-
we?
Do?
Well, we need to live somewhere,
which means you need a job,
which means you need
to be a person.
You need a birth certificate,
so you can get a license,
or a social security
card or whatever.
You'd have to get that
from an actual person,
someone who looks your age and
isn't going to miss theirs.
Mm.
Shit.
That thing tell you how far
we are from sunbeam, Colorado?
Sunbeam?
That's a town?
Mm-hm.
The irony.
I think I know someone
who's not using their
birth certificate.
I've always gone for bad guys,
or at least folks
nobody will miss.
It's an imperfect science.
A few years ago, I fucked up.
You? Inconceivable.
I was driving through
the rockies,
and I meet some lady
at a campsite.
She's on the run from
some scumbag,
so I decide after she
leaves, I'm gonna wait,
I'll have a meal.
First person that I see,
I go for.
I barely bit him before I saw
his lanyard, camp counselor.
So I'm just supposed to
see if he's there.
That's it?
Yeah, you're his niece,
and you were in the area looking
at colleges or something,
and a, you know, you just
wanna check in on him,
but scope out the
whole situation.
See if you can find out
where they keep the records,
then I'll go in later tonight.
A little while later,
a bunch of kids come
running through
and they're looking for
bugs and rocks and shit,
and then people come through
and they're looking for him.
I couldn't finish.
I end up hiding in a foxhole
all day with the guy.
So what'd you do?
Well, there's this
thing I can do.
Maybe I'll try the look thing.
Don't try the look thing.
It makes 'em nuts.
It breaks their brains,
full meshuggeneh.
Do it long enough, and
it's permanent.
I feel horrible about
the whole thing.
So I call around, find
the hospital he's in.
They tell me that he's a
danger to himself and others.
He thinks he's a,
he needs blood.
Anyway, they send him to
an institution, for life.
In sunbeam.
Mm-hmm.
Where they'd have his records,
like his birth certificate.
And he'd be about 35 now.
Hi.
Can I help you, miss?
Yes.
Doctor?
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a receptionist.
Right.
Yeah.
Well, I'm a looking for a
Roger fieldner.
Is he a patient here?
Who are you?
His niece.
I was in the area visiting
a friend and my mom said,
this is where he was kept.
And how old are you?
Hold on a minute.
Hi, I'm doctor seward.
I work with your uncle.
So he's here?
Oh, oh yes.
He's still here.
You're his niece?
Yep.
He didn't mention
having any siblings.
Of course he hasn't
had much to say
over the last decade or so.
I'll have to revisit my
records on him.
So you have those?
Of course, we have everything.
Sure.
Well, well good, good.
Yeah. Good, good old uncle-
- Roger.
- Roger.
Roger, big, big rog.
He's very short.
That's the joke.
How can we help you?
You know, I,
I think I'm good.
Oh, you don't wanna see him?
Uh.
You came all this way.
Let's get you two caught up.
You know, it's been years
since anyone's visited him.
Seeing a family member
can be very therapeutic.
I mean, it can really set
them on a positive track.
He's completely catatonic.
Bummer.
Don't be anxious, it's more
for their safety than ours.
Also ours.
Oh.
We don't leave him in
here all day.
He comes out to watch judge
Judy and judge Joe brown,
all the judges.
Big hits around here.
And we wheel him around.
But the quiet time suits him.
Don't be concerned.
He hasn't moved or
spoken in ages.
I'll give you guys a
couple of minutes.
If you need anything,
just holler.
I have to close the door,
policy.
Hi.
Sorry.
This was a mistake.
You.
You're with him.
Who?
You know.
I, I, I, I don't know.
What can I do for him?
Me and him,
hiding,
holding me in his arms.
The smell of his leather jacket,
cold breath of his teeth.
He didn't go through with it.
It's not his fault.
I totally get it, it's
circumstantial.
He sent you to finish it.
I've been waiting for
this moment for so long.
Dude. I, I, I don't know.
Where is he?
Just let him give me a taste.
Yeah, I better get going.
If you leave I'll scream.
And I'll tell them I
don't know you.
Buddy, I don't think
you're in any position
to bargain here.
What can I do for my master?
My liege, my king in leather.
You're his daughter.
He's your father.
Did he send you to finish me?
Ew. No.
What can I offer him?
Well,
There is one thing.
Anything, just give me a taste.
Of what?
Let me taste you.
Okay, nope.
Not, not even your blood.
Just your flesh.
I'm gonna go.
Well, what do you want then?
- We need.
- Anything.
A copy of your records,
the stuff they have on you.
Hey, I can do that.
I'll tell them to sign it over.
They have to do it if
I tell them to do it.
Just give me a taste.
Let me bite your neck.
No.
What about your leg?
Okay, you gotta give me
something to work with here.
All right, this is
not a sex thing.
Everything is a sex thing.
Yeah.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Stick out your tongue.
Eyes closed.
God, this is fucking insane.
Yeah.
Shut up.
You gonna tell them to give
me a copy of your records?
Yeah.
Hey, you know you could have
just done the staring thing.
Yeah, worked out great for you.
You were just supposed
to scope it out,
check out the location.
Now they're gonna be able
to finger you.
What a choice of words there,
man.
But you got it.
Yeah, that guy's not
going anywhere, anytime.
Poor schmuck.
At least nobody's
looking for him.
No, but they got a
good look at you.
So?
You show up in
photos and videos.
What, and you don't?
No.
One more thing.
Skies the other day,
and of course, what do you
think I sensed?
We're closed, there's
nobody here.
I know, but I think I dropped
my keys earlier, inside.
I'm not a patient.
No, I didn't think you were.
Gotta come back in the morning,
check the lost and found.
Oh man, I gotta be at work
in the morning, real early,
'cause I'm a delivery
guy and you know,
I gotta get people their stuff.
It's very important, and so
could I come in and look.
Sorry.
Come on, man come on, let me in.
Nah bro.
Hey man, could we please
just come in for a second,
try and find my dad's keys?
I've got a term paper due
in the morning.
I think I got this.
I'm not sure you do.
It's totally gonna bone my gpa.
Ah, god!
This is exactly why mom
left you, you're such a bum.
Shit, that was uncalled for.
Uh,
just,
just real quick.
- Okay?
- Yeah?
I'm not gonna like get on
the ground or anything,
'cause I got a bad back.
So I can come in?
Yes.
Hey,
my, my wife left me too,
and, uh, she's a bitch.
She's like a total cunt.
You know she just
wouldn't like get in line
no matter how many times
I, you know.
You know, now I hear she's
screwing-
That was an easy choice.
I'm gonna go grab the
security tapes.
Pull the car around.
You want me to drive?
Yeah, just pull it up.
I, I can't drive.
Well, it's not a stick.
I've never driven a car.
Well, by the time I
was your age.
There were cars?
No, yes.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Just grab the body, put
it in the trunk.
I'll get the tapes.
Oops, oh Jesus.
Ay ay ay.
Okay, now give it a little gas.
Yeah and,
ooh that's a little too much,
brake, brake, brake, brake!
Uh huh, uh huh, okay
and then just.
All right now, just give
it a little bit more gas.
And there you, alright.
This really increases
our productivity.
Just keep it under 90.
Where to?
South.
Now west.
Here?
What are you, meshuggeneh?
Well, this'll do.
They just want an army
of soy boy vegan zombies.
So your family.
Really?
I need the scratch.
It's a pawn shop.
We can always come back for it.
People come back for
stuff all the time, right?
Oh yeah, for sure.
My customers take their
vows real serious.
These folks'll all be back.
It's German air force.
Nazi shit is huge.
It always has been.
It's worth thousands.
I'll give you 600.
How much do you say the
security deposit was?
We're closed.
I think I could help with that.
I got a lot of experience.
I don't offer dental.
Can I work at night?
If you can get it all done,
I don't care when you work.
You sure this is gonna work?
It's like spf 1000,
just make a run for it.
Does it look natural?
Looks great.
Just remember to
close your eyes.
I'll never get used to this.
It's like junk food.
You're gonna get a dad bod.
A what?
You need to look the part.
We should talk about your style.
I look bitchin'.
You look like your dressed
as the fonz for Halloween,
every day.
Nice Jewish boy.
I can't tell if I'm schvitzing
because it's getting light
out or because I look like a-
dad?
Schlemiel.
Great.
You look 10 years older.
Roger, Jane?
I'm miss shelling.
Thanks for meeting
with us so early.
My dad's gotta get to work.
I gotta get to work.
Oh, of course, no worries.
Come in.
Go.
Well, since you were
homeschooled,
you'll have assessment tests,
but otherwise you're
good to start.
And, uh, we also have some
programs that may interest you,
including a support
group for single parents.
I attend it as well.
Diana, what a drag it
is being young
I wanna be older and gray
Feeding ducks and walking
the mall could be fun
It'll be okay
Hey Diana
That could be us
That could be you and me
Hey, Diana, that could
be
How was your day?
Peachy.
Mine was fine, thanks.
Good talk.
Your jacket's too small for you.
I heard that.
This is gross.
Told you that's what happens
when I eat dead stock.
I'll look like yul brynner
within a month.
I'll pick up some draino.
Daylight savings ended
a few days ago.
Wanna catch an early
movie tonight?
Hmm.
Maybe go for a drive?
Where?
I don't know, for fun.
Like a talk.
We're talking now.
This isn't easy for me, either.
Oy gevalt, what
else do you want from me?
It isn't what I want from
you, it's what we have to do.
We have to look like
real people.
We have something to hide,
at least until I go to college
and you become my
fuck-up brother.
Oh, you mean my promotion?
Yes, yes.
Your dream of finally going
from boring dad to fun brother.
Just think, you'll
eventually be my son,
and then all your entitled
shit will make sense.
And then I'll die.
Don't be a brat.
I'm being 16.
So you're being dramatic.
Isn't that what you want?
To get rid of me?
Look around, look at
my fucking gut,
and tell me that I haven't
done every damn thing
to give you a life,
if you can call it that.
Hocking your watch
doesn't make you a father.
And pretending to be a kid,
doesn't make you a person.
You can't have it both ways.
God, I hate you!
Finally.
Hi, my name is Roger,
and I moved here a few
weeks ago with my daughter.
Go on, Roger.
Tell us about yourselves,
whatever you like.
I didn't know my daughter,
I didn't raise her.
Her mother raised her,
raised her well,
but we didn't know each
other. Um,
and when she came to
live with me,
I didn't have a life
ready for her.
I didn't have one for myself,
really.
So building that,
is difficult.
It's hard to know if the
decisions that I'm making
are right for her,
even if they're not
right for myself.
If that, that really matters.
Could you elaborate on that,
Roger?
I guess I mean,
part of being a parent is
thinking about your kid
before yourself,
and that's a good thing,
it's right.
But it doesn't change
the urge to-
be selfish.
That's right.
Or at least remember
who you were,
but maybe that's just who
I thought I was,
and who I am is who I am now.
Hey Roger.
Hey,
thanks for coming tonight.
I'm sure that was hard.
It seems like you're in the
middle of a major transition,
parenting, new town, new life.
You know, I went through that.
It just takes time.
We've got that, plenty.
Could I give you a
piece of advice?
Sure.
She's a good kid.
She's well-adjusted.
You're doing great, okay?
So just give yourself a break.
Find something that you
and your kid connect on,
a hobby or a cause, something
you can do together.
That is good advice.
Thanks.
It's what I do.
I'm gonna.
Of course.
It's slowly shedding?
Yeah.
It was so sad.
Surprise.
How'd you know I was here?
Fatherly intuition.
Who's your friend?
This is Terry, also a night owl.
Hey, um, I need your
help with something.
Would you hop in?
Don't sweat it.
I got a big night planned
with the fam, anyway.
On a Tuesday?
We do it every month, kind
of a tradition.
See ya.
Terry seems nice.
Yeah, they really
seem to get me.
I was thinking, maybe we could
go on a little field trip?
Like a dad-daughter thing.
Before you take me out
to the boonies
and Bury me in a shallow grave?
Oh, it wouldn't be shallow.
I'm sorry.
Me too.
And you're right.
You're gonna die.
I knew it.
But for now, for a very,
very long time,
we're gonna be together.
That's nice.
I mean, I get it.
I guess I agree.
I got you something.
I know money's tight, so
don't bug out.
I stole it.
New jacket.
I can't go to a bar.
I know.
What, so you need a
designated driver?
Watch the bar.
You see that guy?
- The biker?
- Mm-hm.
His name's quincey Morris,
and he posted bond
earlier today.
- Like jail?
- Mm-hm.
Sold a bunch of meth, which
is not a bad business per se,
but he cut it with hairspray
and a lot of people got
sick and died.
How do you know all this?
I looked it up on the Internet,
all over Facebook.
What's that?
Anyway, as much as I
love a steak tartar,
we could make a little
fun project out of him.
I'm not exactly, um,
well versed on
indulging in this.
I know, but that's why I'm here.
You know, this is one of
the few things
that I'm uniquely
suited to help with.
Think of it as a life lesson,
like driving stick or fishing.
I know, it's weird.
Yeah, but,
this is something we share.
It's us.
Plus the guy's a
fucking murderer.
What's the plan?
Oh.
Hey man, this your bike?
Yeah, what the fuck about it?
Looks like you got a pretty
bad leak coming off the box.
What the fuck?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, it's probably
just a shaft seal.
You know, I work on
bikes over in town.
I got a box of seals
in the trunk of my car.
I'm sure I have your size.
Come on.
[Jane growling
This stinks.
Next time.
Is it weird I'm hungry?
At this point, nothing is weird.
Maybe we just stick to animals.
I'll go bald, get a paunch.
You've had generations of
being a good looking young man.
Maybe it's worth it to
let yourself go a little.
Priorities?
Jacket looks good.
Thanks.
Can I have your old one?
I've been going all night
Heading into the dawn
White lines, road signs,
and moonlight
Turn the music up
and drive on
I've logged so many miles
But I'm still so many away
And I've run through
the conversation
So many times
That all I really
want to say
Is you can bleed
through me now, darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me
Sun breaks on the horizon
Leaving all the
darkness behind
And while I know I'll never
get where I'm going to
One last thought is
in my mind
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
You can bleed through me now,
darling
Now it has been
brought to my attention
via one of our loyal listeners
that families of
mind-control vampires
are crisscrossing the country
in vintage muscle cars.
Who knows what other
clans of monsters
and other underworld creatures
are infiltrating our
values and ways of life?
And what's next?
Lgbtqfo werewolf potlucks,
and multi-species
bigfoot summer camps?
Mummies desecrating our
American flag for wrappings.
And we all know where
the mummies come from,
one of those
countries over there.
I will be damned if they
take the muscle car away
from real American human beings.
I say we spray every
vintage muscle car
with my brand new garlic
spray, only $29.99.
And it can be used a
stick seasoning as well.
And I also have sticks for sale,
both the meat kind and
for-killing-vampire kind.
Patriots, I am always prepared.