Bloomin Mud Shuffle (2015) Movie Script
(mellow piano music)
(car engine rumbles)
- Hey, jaywalkers!
Hey, you motherfucker, you
best be crossing at the light!
You're gonna get fucked up!
No, you do it here!
Do it here, you see?
You fuck 'em up.
You don't see the sign, man?
What good is it for
you to pay the taxes
on a sign, and you're
not gonna use it?
(car honks)
Oh, shit!
See?
Fucking working
for everybody, bro.
Working for everybody.
Go ahead.
Fuck this sign!
Fuck this sign.
Fuck this sign.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, come on.
- [Lonnie] What
do you mean, whoa?
- Whoa, whoa, come on.
Don't be an asshole.
- No, it's my friend.
- [Lonnie] Why was
he acting like that?
- [Monica] I don't know.
He's just being a
really big baby.
- [Lonnie] And you only
have one sibling, right?
- [Monica] Yeah, my little bro.
- And you guys get along?
- [Monica] Yeah, we
hang out all the time.
- You hang out?
- Like drink beer in
the garage with friends.
- [Lonnie] Oh, that
sounds awesome.
- I look forward to it.
- [Lonnie] Me and
my sister, we'll go
to concerts and shit together.
You think it's weird
that we talk about sex?
- [Monica] Who?
- Me and my sister.
- You have sex with your sister?
- What?
No, no, no, we talk about sex.
She'll be like, "Yeah,
I was fucking this dude.
"He had all this
shit in his teeth."
And I'll tell her about
the girls I've been boning.
- (groans) You know what?
I don't really want
to hear about that.
- What?
- That's weird.
- All right, come on.
- That's not weird.
- Let's go.
- It is, yeah, it is.
- Time for work, come on.
- But okay, so I
guess that's it.
- Let's go.
- But all day today, I'll think
about seeing you tomorrow.
- [Chuck] Oh, see
how nice he can be?
- A prince.
- [Lonnie] Hey, Monica, Monica!
- Come on.
- Bye, Lonnie.
- [Chuck] Let's go.
Wrap it up.
- [Lonnie] I don't
know, is it weird
that I think she's really hot?
- [Chuck] No, she's beautiful.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, she
got a boyfriend, though.
- [Chuck] Yeah, but
she don't like him.
- [Lonnie] How do you know?
- [Chuck] How long did it
take for her to bring him up?
- [Lonnie] I don't know, why?
- Exactly, I met the dude.
He's kind of a pill.
- A pill, what do you
mean, like a mope?
- Yeah, like a mope.
He's the guy she was
fucking in college
and now she doesn't know
how to get rid of him.
- [Lonnie] You assume!
- Yeah, I do, and when I
assume, I'm usually right.
That's what happens when
you're brought up Catholic
and you go to college,
and you want to fuck.
You pick a fellow
out that doesn't
disgust you and you
call it a boyfriend.
It eases the bred-in guilt.
- Hmm, objection.
- Grounds?
- That you did
not go to college.
- Overruled.
- Overruled, overruled, why?
- Because I fuck a
lot of college girls.
(engine starting)
- Ay-yai-yai.
You know what's fucked up?
People still talk
about Seinfeld.
You say something to
somebody, and they're like,
"Oh yeah, like that Seinfeld.
"Did you ever see
that Seinfeld?"
It's weird, man.
The show's been off the
air for like 10 years.
(sandpaper scraping)
- [Chuck] Oh, more
than 10 years.
We were in high school when
that show went off the air.
- No.
- [Chuck] Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Wait.
Okay.
And, what year did
we graduate again?
- (sighs) I don't care.
- Huh, shit, '98.
- We graduated in 1988?
- [Lonnie] That's
what it says here.
- What, that we
graduated in '98?
- [Lonnie] No, it says Seinfeld.
- Oh, Seinfeld's '98.
- Yeah, it says--
- What year did we graduate?
- [Lonnie] No, I think
we graduated in '98, too.
- Oh, so they both
happened in '98?
- We both graduated in '98.
- [Chuck] We both
graduated in '98.
- Yeah.
What the fuck have we been doing
for the last 10 years, man?
(sandpaper scraping)
- [Chuck] 16 years.
- Holy shit.
- I'm gonna stop thinking
about that right now.
(sandpaper scraping)
- That's probably a good idea.
- [Woman] Okay, here you go.
- [Chuck] All right, thank you.
- [Woman] My dog got into some
of that stuff you were using.
- The mud?
- Yeah, he ate some of it.
Is that bad?
- It ain't good.
- [Woman] Any idea
what I should do?
- Just keep an eye on him.
Make sure they poop
in the next 24 hours.
It happens.
- [Woman] Oh, okay.
- They love that
stuff for some reason.
- All right, thank you.
- [Chuck] Nothing
to worry about.
- All right.
Come on, guys.
- Bert?
- Yeah, babe.
(mellow piano music)
- You hear about those
kids in Romeoville?
- Uh-uh.
No, what should I have heard?
- Fucking kids are nuts.
They take their friend,
light him on fire
and then they were gonna
cut him up and bury him.
That didn't work.
They take him, throw him in
back of his mother's car,
and then they go play
video games all night.
- [Lonnie] Jesus Christ,
that's fucked up.
- [Phil] Yeah, I
know, you know what?
This whole Chicago
area is going to hell.
- Yeah, Romeoville, right?
- Yeah, Romeoville,
Chicago, just
aggravates the hell out of me.
Hey, did you drive
tonight, Lonnie?
- No, I didn't.
I walked from home.
Yeah, I was at home.
I didn't want to be there.
So I figured I would come down
here and hang out with you
as fucking sad as that sounds.
- [Phil] Come on, it's
not that fucking sad.
- It's not that fucking sad?
- [Phil] Come on, I'm
not that bad, am I?
- No, you're not that bad.
- Ah, come on, here.
Let's make it a little happier.
- Oh, happier, isn't
alcohol a depressant?
- Not when it's free.
(Lonnie laughs)
There you go, pal.
- Thanks, Phil.
- All right, salud.
- Salud.
What do I owe you
for everything?
- [Phil] You know what?
Just call it 25.
- Okay, oh, shit, thanks.
There you go.
Have a good night.
- [Phil] All right, you too.
Be careful out there, okay?
See you tomorrow.
(glass clinking)
(ice clanking)
(drink splashing)
(drink splashing)
(mellow piano music)
(Lonnie sighs)
- [Monica] I can't see anything.
- Oh, you dick.
- Oh, my purse.
- [Lonnie] No, I got it.
Hey, no, no, hey, come here.
I got it.
It's right here.
It's on my shoulder.
(both chuckling)
(both smooching)
Wait, wait, what?
What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
(chuckles) Oh.
- [Lonnie] Okay, okay, come on.
(Monica groaning)
(laughs) Come on.
Turn over.
Come here.
Come here.
Give me these.
(Monica groaning)
Here, sit, sit up.
- [Monica] Are
you tucking me in?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, I guess so.
- [Monica] Gross.
- [Lonnie] I'm gonna go
sleep on the couch, okay?
- No, you're supposed
to stay here with me.
- Okay, I don't think
that's a good idea.
- Come here.
- No, stop fucking
with me, please.
- Fine, pussy.
- [Lonnie] Okay.
Okay. (chuckles)
(Monica groaning)
(drink splashing)
(drink splashing)
(mellow piano music)
(Lonnie panting)
(Lonnie panting)
Guess how many miles
I ran yesterday?
- A million miles!
- Why you gotta guess so, no.
I ran five miles.
- Should I have guessed
four and a half?
- Let me tell you.
It was really hard, but
I powered through it.
I was having a good time, and
now I got the shin splints.
- You don't have shin splints.
- [Lonnie] Well,
they hurt like hell.
- Of course it hurts.
When was the last
time you exercised?
- [Lonnie] No.
- You ran five miles?
- I jogged five miles.
- [Monica] Jogged five miles.
- Five miles, though.
- Your shins are sore, but
you don't have shin splints.
Your butt's probably sore.
- It is.
- Do you have ass splints?
- No.
- It's like the most
annoying thing in the world
when people start jogging
and then they quit
because they've heard
of shin splints.
- [Lonnie] Well,
you always explains
things to me so I
understands them.
- Somebody's gots to,
Lonnie, somebody's gots to.
- [Lonnie] I ain't gettin'
no more clean otherwise.
- (laughs) What?
- No!
- [Monica] What the hell, dude.
Come on.
- No!
- Ow, fuck!
- Leave me alone.
(Monica chuckles)
- Mike.
Mike?
Michael?
Michael?
Mike?
(clears throat) Can I trade you
one of my oranges for one
of your special oranges?
Ow!
- What the fuck?
(Monica screaming)
- [Dick] Pull!
(gun fires)
- Hear about that
old guy, he shot one
of the intruders that
was robbing his house?
- No, I didn't.
What happened?
- He's totally fucked.
The guy was running
the other way,
so he wasn't in any danger.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, I don't
really give a shit about that.
You know what scares
me is the other people.
- That's what we're
saying, dickhead.
- [Dick] Pull!
(gun fires)
- [Geno] Every time
somebody gets shot,
it's always the
gun they're after.
- [Bobby] Right, 'cause
if he had a lead pipe
he'd have beat those
kids to death with it.
- [Geno] But here's
the thing, though.
- The fuck's that mean?
- [Geno] Think about it, idiot.
- Pull!
- Listen.
(gun fires)
If the guy hadn't
had those guns,
he wouldn't have shot
those people, right?
- [Geno] You asked him?
- No, I assumed,
and when I assume--
- You make an ass--
- No, I am usually
right when I assume.
- Pull!
- All right.
- Hold on a second.
Let me load the fucking track.
- You see a guy raping a
girl, can you shoot him?
- [Dick] Pull!
- No, you tell him
to knock it off.
(gun fires)
- Self-defense only.
- [Dick] You want me to?
- [Lonnie] No, I got it.
- All right.
- I got it.
You know, sometimes I
get so bored or so drunk
that I think about
blowing my head off
or shooting it out the window.
- Why don't you?
- I don't know, just lazy.
- [Geno] Pull!
- That's like fucking Campbell.
(gun fires)
- Easy.
- Wait, what do you mean
like fucking Campbell?
What are you talking about?
- [Dick] He fucking
killed himself.
- Wait, when?
- [Geno] Pull.
- Hold on.
- [Dick] New Year's Eve.
(gun fires)
- The 18th, I heard.
- Nobody told me.
- Wait, what'd you say?
- [Dick] December 18th.
- [Bobby] December 18th, okay.
- Dude, but nobody
told me, though.
- Yeah, man, it's Campbell.
It's not like they
set up a scholarship
fund for the fucking guy.
- [Lonnie] Why the fuck
didn't anybody tell me?
- I guess we filed it in our
give-a-shit file and moved on.
Pull!
- Seriously.
- [Bobby] Think someone
would have seen something.
- Pull!
(gun fires)
- Will somebody tell me what the
fuck actually happened, though?
- [Dick] I don't think
there's a funeral or anything.
- [Geno] Pull!
- They didn't really
keep in touch at all.
He was with a girl.
She got tired of being
with a drunk, I guess.
New Year's Eve,
lonely, probably--
- Drunk out of his mind.
- Yeah, fucking killed himself.
- [Geno] You surprised?
- No, not really.
- [Geno] Pull!
(gun fires)
- Yeah, it sounds like
a really good time.
No, it sounds like you're gonna
be having a really fun time.
You still there?
You all right?
I guess I'll just
go fuck myself then.
- Well, I already got the
tickets and everything.
I didn't buy them.
I don't know how to answer that.
- [Cashier] 50 cents
box, four, seven, three.
(register beeping)
Nine, one, six.
One, zero, eight.
Eight, three, one.
Six, one, six.
- [Lonnie] Hi, Monica.
- Chuck's out back already.
- [Lonnie] Okay, I'll
just go fuck myself then.
- Oh my God, would you?
- [Lonnie] How's
your morning going?
- Who died?
Fine, Lonnie, how
is your morning
that is just beginning
going so far?
- It's good, this part.
I like this part.
It's fun.
It's about to suck.
How'd that test go?
- It wasn't a test,
but it was good.
- My smart phone
is fucking stupid.
458 on the work order, Fairview.
Do you know where
458 Fairview is at?
- Did you plug the
street address in?
- Yeah, I plugged it in.
- No, the. (groans)
Okay, first of all, you
have to use the pass code.
Do you know what
the pass code is?
- Gotta do that first.
- Yeah, you have to unlock it.
Do you know the password?
- In no uncertain terms.
She feels awful about
it, just terrible.
- Hey, part-time.
- Never touches the
drum thing again.
Just sits there, lying totally
to waste, collecting dust.
So what do we do?
We buy a house.
We buy a house so she can play
the video game drums at
9:00 p.m. on a Tuesday.
- Chopping off your
head to fix a toothache.
- Yeah, exactly,
I like it, though.
It's nice.
It's nice to have a to-do list
you actually give a shit about.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
what school district?
- [Chuck] Uh, 99?
- [Cal] That's good.
That's where we were
before we moved.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Yeah.
- The only part about the
neighborhood I don't like,
kind of bothers me, is you
have to drive everywhere.
You know, literally everywhere.
You want to get
a gallon of milk.
You gotta get in your car and go
like two miles down the road.
It's kind of fucking with me.
- Yeah, well at least you know
where your money's going for
the next 30 years, right?
- Thanks, that's
helpful, good to know.
- [Cal] Good time to buy.
- [Chuck] Yeah.
- Communities used
to build themselves.
Now, you got to buy your way in.
It's all become a grid.
Home Depot, Meijer,
Bennies, Sam's, Ikea.
Three miles down the road,
Bennies, Home Depot, Office Max.
- And Wal-Mart.
(phone ringing)
- Then how much you make
determines which grid
and how far you are
from black people.
The fuck you want?
- We do live near
Section 8 housing.
- [Cal] What the
fuck do you want?
(engine starts)
- Shut the fuck up!
Shut up!
- [Player] 43, so that
would be two games left.
- This is what I get for
fucking playing 13-year-olds.
Piece of shit, does your mom
know you're up this late?
Huh, you little bitch?
All right, now, watch how...
Watch how a fucking
man does it, huh?
Oh!
(man screams)
- [Soldier] We're in the lead!
(guns firing)
- [Soldier] Kill confirmed.
- [Player] It's
crazy how somebody's
really fucking
sniping on this map.
- [Lonnie] That
sounds really nice.
- [Monica] It is.
- [Lonnie] Okay, well,
just think of me here
sitting around with my thumb
up my ass while you're there.
- [Monica] I don't
know what to say that.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, you don't
know what to say to anything.
- You and your feelings.
- Okay, how 'bout this?
I don't want to be just the guy
that you're fucking,
which I love.
I love that part.
I'm not complaining about that.
But, please, let me know, so I
don't feel like I'm gonna die
standing around waiting,
wondering whether or not
you're gonna invite me to a
Sunday dinner at some point.
- Okay, I'm not ready for that.
- Ouch, but okay.
Why don't we just say that
instead of you standing around
shuffling your feet and
scratching the countertop?
- I get scared because every
relationship I'm in I get bored.
- [Lonnie] Every relationship?
How many relationships
have you been in?
- I just broke up with
my boyfriend for you.
What is that cunty face?
- You act like
you're 40 years old
and have been
engaged three times.
- I don't know what that means.
- It means that the
best day of my life
is when you broke up with
that dude, but come on.
- Come on, what?
Don't piss me off, just--
- It was a long-distance thing
that you weren't that into.
And a relationship is just a
little bit more than having sex
with somebody in your group
of friends at college.
Otherwise, that's just
Catholic at college.
- You don't--
- [Lonnie] And you didn't
mention him for like an entire
month after we
started hanging out.
- I don't want to
talk about this.
- Okay.
- So, what is it like
to know everything, hm?
- Oh, I get pretty
tired of people
resenting me for
it all the time.
(coffee splashing)
- [Monica] I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
Hey, you know what I
mean, though, right?
- Yeah.
- [Sully] So these
snakehead fish, they're--
- [Cashier] How you doing?
- Can I get three wet?
Two with hot giardin and one
with sweet pepperoncinis to go.
- Anything else?
- No, that's it.
- Looking for you.
- You know what we could do?
We could just not go to--
- $17.94.
- [Sully] Yeah, that's true.
You could.
- Thanks, man.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a good day.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, oh, shit!
Sully, what's up, man?
- [Sully] What's up, Lonnie?
How you doing?
- Oh my God, it's
good to see you.
How's it going?
- Good to see you, good, good.
Hey, this is my wife Katherine.
- Your wife?
Oh my God, holy shit.
- Hi.
- Sully got married.
- Two years.
- Two years?
- It is so funny.
- What's so funny?
- Oh, we were just
talking about how whenever
we come out here, everyone
starts calling him Sully.
- Oh, yeah, you know what?
I know, I know, and if
someone had actually asked me
his first name, it would have
taken me a minute to remember.
So where are you guys living?
- [Sully] Yorkville.
- Oh, Jesus, really?
No wonder you're here.
- It's where she's from.
- That's where I'm from.
- Are people from
Yorkville, really?
- So what are you doing?
- I'm good.
I've just been
working with Chuck.
I'm here, I'm gonna
get some beef,
gonna see my dad, we're
gonna watch the game.
- Yeah, how's he doing?
- He's good, he's fucking crazy.
- [Sully] He's good, though?
- Yeah, he's good, yeah.
How's it going with you?
Did you ever get that mole
removed off your dong?
- (laughs) I think that's
somebody else's dong.
- No, I think that's your dong.
- You've had so many
dongs that you--
- I know, there's a lot of them.
- Hey, we're pregnant.
- Oh my God, wow,
that's awesome.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, we're excited.
- That's awesome, wow, fuck!
- [Katherine] What
was your name again?
- Lonnie.
- Lonnie.
Sorry, one second.
- (laughs) She
used to say, "Well,
"it used to work when
you were a baby."
(women laughing)
So she kept doing it.
He would come home from
school during lunch.
And he'd be like, "Mama, Mama.
(women laughing)
"It hurts."
- I don't know.
Where are your counters?
- Good question.
- When are they coming?
Okay, I don't know what to say
to these kind of people, right?
- Tell them to fuck off.
- [Ernie] (laughs)
Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Yeah, you'd like to.
So anyway, we jump in the truck,
fucking fly out to Romeoville.
- Monica?
Monica?
How's Brian doing?
We never see him anymore.
- Oh, that's 'cause we're
not together anymore.
- [Aunt Lil] Oh, oh no.
- Yeah, it's okay.
I broke up with him.
- Oh, sweetie, you two
were so cute together.
- [Monica] Were we?
- [Aunt Lil] Sure you were.
- No, I think it was just me.
(women laughing)
- So, how's school going?
- It's good.
- [Aunt Lil] Good.
- Yeah.
(men laughing)
- And we lost her,
there she goes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You need sleeves for that
shirt, I got some inside.
- No, I'm good.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- Yeah, it's cool.
- All right.
So what else is going on?
- [Lonnie] (scoffs) Nothing.
My clan made 50.
- What the hell does that mean?
- [Lonnie] Guys I
play video games with.
We made 50.
- You still with that shit, huh?
- [Lonnie] 50 all
over the world, Dad.
- Yeah, well, it's bad
for your head, that shit.
So is staying in so much.
What's going on with that girl?
- Nothing, you
know what, though?
I think it's okay
'cause I'm handsome.
- [Joe] Well, you got
to be more than handsome
if she's the prize
you're describing.
- No, I meant like I don't look
like a video game
guy, so it's okay.
- [Joe] Stands to reason.
- [Jock] I thought you
were bringing beef?
- I did, it's right there.
- [Jock] Oh, I'm
fucking starving.
- You say hello?
- Hi.
- Aren't you gonna say anything
about Dad's cool invention?
- Oh, that's awesome.
Come on, Dad, bros before hos.
Let's go.
- I don't even know
what that thing does.
- Bradley used to
say, "Hey, Brethren,
"let's go to the
Chinese food restaurant.
"Let's go to the Chinaman.
(Ernie laughs)
"Let's call up the Chinaman."
- Sure, yeah.
- Right?
- I used to make a stir-fry.
Girlfriend of mine lived
next door when we were
in the house on Cicero
gave me the recipe.
I probably made
it twice a month.
Then when Bud was getting
on, he wasn't eating as much.
I'd make a pot of soup.
- [Little Mike] Mike.
- Who's that?
- [Little Mike] That's her.
That there, that's the guitar.
- [Mike] That's awesome.
- [Little Mike] Okay, let
me show you something else.
- I'm going to make
that next week.
He said, "No, no,
don't worry about it."
I'm gonna make
you your stir-fry.
- [Mike] Holy shit.
- And he says, "Lil, I never
"really cared for
your stir-fry."
- What'd you say?
- I just said "Okay,
I won't make it."
Took him 30 years
to say something.
- [Little Mike] Think
it was like five feet.
- [Mike] Jesus Christ.
- [Little Mike] Yeah.
- [Lonnie] But they
had some pretty good--
- Thought you were
bringing Sebastian.
- [Jock] Right, you know
damn well his fuckin' name.
- [Lonnie] No,
it's Brett, right?
- Brock, it's not funny.
- [Lonnie] Brock.
- [Joe] Trevor?
- No, Tootsie, right?
- It was Tootsie,
you're right, Tootsie.
(men laughing)
Come on, you said you
were bringing him.
- You know what?
I actually think
that he's made up.
I think you made
up Brock the hunk
because you're ashamed to
admit that you're a dyke.
- Fuck off, Lonnie.
- [Lonnie] Uh-huh.
- Well, next time we come,
I'll bring him by then.
- Something come up,
what, family, work, what?
- Work.
So how's it with that girl,
you go limp in her yet?
- Once you see how
fucking beautiful
she is, you'll want
to hit that shit.
- [Jock] Thanks for the warning.
- Mm, I don't know.
I tell her how I feel.
I tell her what's up, and
she's like, she's weird.
She's not like that.
She said she doesn't
feel anything.
- That's stupid.
- I know, it's weird.
- I don't like her.
- [Lonnie] But you
don't know her.
- I want to punch
her in the face.
Don't know why.
- Well, if you don't care,
then why are you asking me?
- If she doesn't tell
you how she feels,
it's 'cause she doesn't
feel the same way.
- [Joe] Quit like you
know everything, Jock.
- Where's my purse?
- Last time I used it, I put
it back where it belongs.
Listen, she's young, all right?
Keep your mouth shut, have fun.
- I know, it's just I've
never felt this way before.
- I know.
- No, you don't.
- Really, could have
swore you just told me.
- I don't know,
Dad, the thing is--
- I'm saying I know
the feeling, all right?
- No, you don't.
- One of these
days, I'm gonna say,
"I understand," and
you'll just say, "Thanks."
- [Jock] The fuck is this?
What the fuck is this, Dad?
- Nothin', it's for
my doctor, all right?
It's a note, just give it to me.
- [Jock] Well, what are you
having all these tests for?
- Look, if you would
bother to read--
- Well, you had
to have a biopsy!
You don't fucking tell anybody?
- It's a little thing.
They felt they should
look, all right?
- You don't fucking
do this, Dad!
You don't keep shit
like this to yourself!
- Enough with the mouth, Jesus--
- Don't you yell at me!
I know you're Mr. Tough
Guy, but you don't
fucking keep shit
like this from us!
You don't do it!
- Fine!
- No fine!
Not fine!
You don't do that!
- [Joe] Okay.
- That's what we're here for.
That's why we're here.
Weren't you scared?
Would have been nice to
talk to somebody, huh?
I'm so pissed at you.
You're okay, though?
- Yeah.
- Weren't you worried?
- [Joe] Yeah.
- [Jock] Yeah.
Well, that's what
we're here for.
- I appreciate you not
bothering me, though.
- Suck a dick, Lonnie.
- [Joe] What, do you talk
to your friends like that?
- [Jock] I can talk
however the fuck I want!
You're some kind of
saint or something?
- [Joe] I can make
it through a sentence
without sounding like trash!
- [Jock] Oh, trash!
- All right!
You okay?
You all right, moving on?
- Yeah.
- What'd you want to tell me?
- [Jock] What?
- Your purse, you said
something about your purse.
How's everything else, good?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, it's good.
- Good.
Listen, that girl, you
should bring her around.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, she's
weird, but (mumbles).
- [Joe] All right,
it's good, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Dad?
Come on, I want to go.
- [Cal] Huh?
- Dad, come on.
- Okay.
I'm up.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
Why the hell are we
watching cartoons?
- [Jock] Dad, should
I wake you up?
- Hmm?
- I'm going.
Should I let you sleep?
- No, no, I'm up.
I'm up.
- All right, I'm going.
Wake up.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [Lonnie] (groans) Ow, ow!
- [Jock] Wake up.
- Stop.
- Wake up.
No, just fucking wake up.
- I love you.
- Love you.
- Bye.
- Oh, uh-oh.
(mellow piano music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm really sorry.
- No, it's okay, come in.
- Oh, it smells
really good in here.
- Oh, thanks.
- I fell asleep on the
train, so I'm not tired.
- Oh shit, you took the train?
- Is that a problem?
- Yeah, I was a little
bit worried about that.
The last train is like
an hour from now--
- Oh, I didn't--
- Yeah, I know, but it's okay.
It's fine.
I'll show some
moderate self-control.
I won't get too fucked up.
- I just didn't want you
to have to drive me home.
I guess I'll stay here then.
- Okay, yeah, move
in if you want.
You want a drink?
- Yeah.
- [Lonnie] I went shopping the
other day because I decided
I'm going to start cooking
for myself more often.
- [Monica] That's good.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, surprise, no
more living on takeout for me.
- That's good.
- I already feel so much
better, like immediately.
I don't feel like I shoved
a sandwich up my ass,
and I have to take a nap
for the next six hours.
Oh, and I remembered just
how much I love vegetables.
They stopped looking like
food to me at a certain point.
- You smoke?
- [Lonnie] Oh, no, I quit.
- Cigarettes in your freezer.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, these
are stress cigarettes.
- So you do smoke?
- No, I keep these in
here so that when I start
to have a craving,
I won't freak out.
I won't buy a pack.
I'll smoke one,
I'll throw it away,
and I'll feel like
shit about myself.
Just knowing that they're in
there is like a relief for me.
- Security blanket?
- Exactly.
Yeah, I picked it up from this
guy that I used to work for.
He used to carry a pack in his
breast pocket for like 25 years.
- When?
- In high school.
- When did you quit?
- When you agreed to
see me outside of work.
- You are such a weirdo.
- [Lonnie] What, really?
Don't say that.
Come on, don't say that.
- Do you have any limes?
- I do.
I got everything.
I also got you a
toothbrush and a hairdryer
'cause, you know, I
figured that those could
be some things
that you would use.
- Well, that is--
- [Lonnie] That's what?
That's really sweet, thoughtful.
How about this?
Every time you say,
"You are such a weirdo,"
all I will hear you saying
is, "You are so goddamn cute."
- You're so good-lookin'.
- I'll take that too.
- No, that's from
that Seinfeld episode
where they say instead
of God bless you,
when people sneeze, they say,
"You're so good looking."
- Wanna see your surprise?
You all right?
Is this wet?
- Yeah, oh.
- Oh.
- Am I gonna end up in a trunk?
- Mm, I don't know.
Why did I say that?
- [Monica] I don't know.
I mean, there's some,
there's some up there.
- The moon seems pretty bright.
- [Monica] It is.
That might be part
of the problem.
- That's pretty.
- My family has this
place, we call it camp,
but it's actually
like a little house.
It has plumbing and everything,
but it's kind of off
the beaten track,
like the last three miles
getting there are all dirt road.
And at night, if you
walk away from the fire,
and you let your eyes adjust,
you can see so many stars.
It's like dizzying
because there's like
more stars than there is
black, all these white dots.
I'm not describing it well.
When I laid down and stared
at them, I just got really sad
because we can't see
the stars where we live.
It all gets drowned
out by all the light.
- The ambient light.
- Amblient.
- Yeah, the ambulance light.
- Ambulances and ambient.
- [Lonnie] (laughs)
I think it's a combo.
- It's a (laughs).
- I'll accept ambulance lights.
- Yeah, it's just stupid,
like I can't believe
that all that man-made shit
could outdo the stars, you know?
Where's the wonder in that?
That just sucks.
- Yeah, stars
don't really shine.
They're just there.
- It's some bullshit.
- [Lonnie] It is some bullshit.
Do you like your surprise?
- I love it.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Not too cheesy?
- Well.
- Well, a little
bit maybe, like.
(both laughing)
- Why are you so nice to me?
- Really?
Come on, don't.
I know that you're
not comfortable
with me telling you that
I love you, but I do.
Just don't fucking
bait me into saying it.
Don't fuck with me.
- Oh my God, you're the
angriest elf right now.
You're an angry elf.
(mellow piano music)
Don't be angry.
You want to dance
with me up here?
- Yes, you know that I do.
- [Monica] All right. (groans)
(Monica laughs)
Hey, creep.
- Hey.
- [Monica] Uh-uh.
- What do you mean, uh-uh?
No, come on, come here.
Come on!
I have morning breath, too.
It'll cancel out.
- [Monica] No, mine's the worst.
- I didn't want to
tell you this before
'cause I thought you'd judge me,
but bad breath is
a fetish of mine.
I swear.
- [Monica] I bet it is.
- [Lonnie] I need stink.
- [Monica] Hmm.
- Oh my God, that
smells like an abortion.
- (laughs) What the fuck?
- That's terrible.
- Oh, come on.
You like it.
- Uh-huh.
(both smooching)
Uh, okay.
I know you're just
fucking with me.
But I'm not not
playing this game.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm really hungry,
and I need to poop.
- Oh, awesome.
- [Monica] And you're not
supposed to give blowjobs
on an empty stomach, you know?
- Is that true?
- [Monica] Uh-huh.
- [Lonnie] Where'd
you hear that from?
- My gammy.
- [Lonnie] Really?
- Yeah, my grandmother.
(Lonnie laughs)
(Monica laughs)
- You're perfect.
- Shut up.
- [Lonnie] I'm serious.
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
- You're nice.
- [Lonnie] I'm including
all print media in that too.
- [Monica] Where's my bra?
- I don't know, but
last time I used it,
I put it back where it belongs.
We text all the time and shit.
It's just she's
either like too tired
from school or it's
some family shit,
which you know
what, I totally get.
What sucks is when
she's like, "Yeah,
"oh, I can't really
go out because I'm
"doing things with
friends tonight."
- What's wrong with, oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I'll just go fuck myself, right?
You know, the thing
is I just don't want
to be all like,
"Oh, what about me?"
- [Chuck] "Can I come
out and play too?"
- If she was wants to
invite me, she will.
Otherwise, I don't, I
just feel like an asshole.
- You can't put
her in a position
if she still hasn't
come up to answers
with all your crazy,
fucked up questions.
- What crazy questions?
- I'm just saying save some
shit for yourself, you know?
Let it happen.
You go to a diner.
You eat some food.
Talk about the food, you know?
You go out, take a shit.
Talk about the shit.
That's where shoot the
shit comes from by the way.
- I'm just tired of
putting myself out there.
I'm tired of being
clear and honest,
and she doesn't give
anything back, you know?
And she'll say, "Oh, I broke
up with my boyfriend for you,"
and I want to tell her,
"Hey, you know what?
"We were fucking
before you did that."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you never do that.
You never, ever, ever use
that against her, ever.
- Why, it's fucking true.
- One thing you never do,
that's one thing everyone knows.
You never use a woman's
indiscretions against her, ever.
You know?
You never buy a used
car from a friend.
You never ask a pediatric
surgeon how his day went.
- [Lonnie] Wait, who said that?
- I said that!
- [Lonnie] You said that?
- I said that.
I'm fucking funny.
What took you so long
to figure that out?
- Hey, all right.
- Hey.
- Oh no, this room's supposed
to be blue. (chuckles)
- How's it going?
- It's good, how's
it going in here?
- Good, good, smooth sailing.
- Yeah.
All right, good to hear.
Right, I'm going out
for like an hour.
Do you guys need
anything from me?
- [Lonnie] No, I'm good, thanks.
- A winning lotto
ticket would be great.
- (laughs) Yeah, all right,
I'll see what I can do.
- [Chuck] Be safe.
- I am.
(Chuck laughs)
- Make sure you
tell all the annoyed
motorists we said what's up.
- Right?
It is the one form of exercise
that puts yourself into
other people's lives, right?
Like, I get it.
You buy some clothes.
Boom, it's a hobby
'cause you invest
a little bit of
money, but know this.
You are fucking annoying.
You're basically
forcing your shit
into other people's lives, and
no one, no one invited you.
Know that.
- [Lonnie] You know
what doesn't bother me,
though, is a Mexican
going to work.
- [Chuck] Yeah,
sure, God bless them.
Their ass is leisurely
on the sidewalk.
- It's the over the
hill, middle-aged spandex
burrito motherfuckers
that get me.
- [Chuck] (chuckles)
Spandex burrito.
- Yeah, it's 'cause
they look like
a burrito made out of spandex.
- [Chuck] I get it.
- [Lonnie] All right.
(upbeat synth music)
Tiny Dancer!
I don't really take you
for dancing guy, man.
- I fucking hate dancing.
- [Lonnie] Me too.
- You know what
else I fucking hate?
- [Lonnie] What?
- The beach.
Went to Florida for our last
vacation, one huge beach.
It was awful.
You know what I also hate?
- What?
- Rollercoasters.
(Lonnie laughs)
Went to Six Flags
for my birthday.
That's all right, I like
doing stuff with her.
I'll dance with her.
That's what she taught me.
She taught me the
guy sitting down
is never gonna get the
girl on the dance floor.
- That's the smartest thing
that anyone has ever said to me.
- You should consider it.
- [Lonnie] I will, thank you.
- Like, now.
(people socializing)
(mellow piano music)
(both smooching)
(both groan)
- [Lonnie] Oh my God,
you're so little.
- I feel little.
(Lonnie laughs)
(Lonnie grunts)
(Monica humming)
(both groaning)
(Monica laughs)
(both smooching)
(mellow piano music)
You're really pretty.
- [Lonnie] I really like
it when you're here.
(both smooching)
- [Monica] God damn it!
- Here.
- I knew this was
going to happen.
Irresponsible, rushing around.
- I'm sorry, I didn't
realize that the alarm
was actually set for something.
- You're no good for me.
You know what?
No one can make me do anything.
You can't push a button
and make me do anything,
but I wouldn't have done
it if I wasn't here.
I wouldn't have done it.
- I made coffee.
- This is stupid.
This is not me!
- Okay, you have 15 minutes.
The train station is
only five minutes away.
That is plenty of time.
- Great, plenty of time.
- I'm sorry!
If I had known that
the alarm was set--
- It's my fault.
I was stupid.
I got shit-faced, and I missed
my alarm, and you're
no good for me.
I have to be responsible, and
you make me irresponsible!
Where are my shoes?
- Listen, it takes less than
five minutes to get there.
I promise.
I've done it like
a hundred times.
You're fine on time.
- [Monica] Do you have an extra
train schedule just in case?
- [Lonnie] No, but
there's a big one mounted
on the outside of the
wall at the train station.
Don't say that I'm
no good for you.
- I had fun.
- They come often
this time of day.
- [Monica] What side of the
tracks are you gonna be on?
- Other side, hey!
Booze breath.
- Bye.
- [Lonnie] Bye.
(sentimental piano music)
(bell clanging)
(woman whoops)
(train roaring and squeaking)
(people socializing)
- So many, I swear I
like don't even know.
- [Chuck] That's the
most important one.
- Oh, that one?
- [Chuck] Yeah.
(all groaning)
- Yep! (claps)
- Yeah, keep smiling,
you fucking moron!
I can't sit here.
I can't.
- [Jenny] Would you relax?
- Jeez, you know what?
You fucking relax!
- It's all right.
- Jesus Christ.
- Settle down.
- All right, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry.
- It's just gonna egg
him on, so just leave it.
- Let's just all agree we
want to murder the shit
out of that guy
and just move on.
- [Jenny] Or we
could just leave.
(Lonnie sighs)
- [Man in Red Shirt] I just
thought it was hilarious.
- Hey, there's my buddy.
(people socializing)
- What'd he say?
- [Chuck] I personally
vote that we leave now,
so we don't have to see this
dick bag start celebrating.
- But if we have to listen to
this asshole as we're leaving.
- [Monica] Oh, boy.
- We should just leave, is
that what you're saying?
- This is an angry elf.
It's a very angry elf, angry.
Very angry elf.
Angry, angry, angry elf?
Angry elf, yes.
- [Waiter] Okay, here we go.
Is anybody here a
member of our Wing Ring?
You get an email twice a
month with special offers,
discounts, goings on,
anything like that?
- No.
- No, we're okay.
- [Waiter] You want to sign up?
- [Chuck] For the Wing Ring?
- Mm-hmm.
- No, we're okay.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- [Jenny] Well, no, wait.
- No, we're not signing
up for the Wing Ring.
We're adults.
We're not gonna join
clubs that rhyme, okay?
A little while back, we
were visiting her parents.
Remember this?
We were driving
back to our place,
and we needed to get
food for the turtle,
so we stopped at
this pet store--
- I got cash, don't worry.
- [Monica] I don't.
- It's okay, I got you.
- No, you don't.
- He was checking
us out, he says,
"Do you want to sign up
for our Saver Rager reward
"discount card or
whatever it's called?"
And I'm like, "No, actually,
I just want to go home
"and take a
three-hour nap, okay?"
- You know what?
We'll do all the way, it's
very stylish, I see that.
- "You see this money that's
in your hand right now?
"You could get more money
in your hand right now
"if you sign up
for this discount."
She's already
walking to her car,
doesn't give a fuck, right?
The kid's going on and on
and on about the benefits,
and I'm just like,
"You know what?
"Could you just
give me the money?"
- Because why?
- Because.
- Whatever the
difference would be
if I were to sign up for your
stupid fucking membership,
could you just put
the money in my hand?
Every single store has a
card, every single one.
It undermines the very
notion of membership, okay?
Am I supposed to feel allegiance
or some sort of special quality
if everyone else is doing
the same fucking thing?
No, I live where I live and
the fucking convenient options
are limited so don't patronize
me with your bullshit
and don't compromise my dignity
by having me have 37 fucking
plastic cards in my wallet!
- Chuck, here.
- [Chuck] Thanks.
- You know, no one really gives
a fuck about this story either.
- I'm sorry your
vagina hurts, Lonnie.
I'm really, really
sorry, but it bugs me.
This shit bugs me.
- [Jenny] If it bugs
you, it bugs you.
- It fucking bugs me.
- Everything bugs
him, so here you go.
- Look, I see the world
for what it is, okay?
And it makes absolutely
zero sense to me.
That's all I'm saying.
That's why I keep you around,
honey, because you make sense.
You're the one thing that
makes sense in this world.
- Thank you, let's just pay.
Can we go?
- Yeah, we can go.
- Thank you.
- [Man in Blue Shirt]
Steve Madden purse
that she really liked, and I
was like, "I'll get it for you.
"Don't worry."
Went there, it was gone.
- Jeez.
- Have a nice one, sweetheart.
- Holy shit, stop!
Stop!
Come on, no, no, no, Jesus!
(men shouting)
(mellow piano music)
- Get the fuck off me, man.
Get the fuck off me, man!
(container thwacking)
- There you go, man.
Have a good one, man.
- Have a good day, see ya.
- You too.
- Where the fuck are you?
You're late as
hell, you know that?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, sorry.
- [Chuck] You drunk?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, a
little bit, but I woke up
that way so it's not my fault.
(tools clattering)
- [Chuck] Gyro?
- Sure.
- You know what song
I heard recently
and realized I hear
it all the time?
Life is a Highway, that
is not a good song.
That is a very bad song.
It's amazing how such a lame
metaphor could be so catchy.
You know?
Love is a flower, I
want to watch it bloom
I just made that up.
When's the last time
you bought an album?
When's the last time you cared
that an album was coming out?
Hm, that's the problem.
Everything's about the
singles now, the hits, hits.
You listen to a song, you
like a song, you buy the song,
and then if people buy
it, it becomes a hit.
Think about what
that does to a young,
developing musician,
to their mind.
Think about how it
wires that mind.
Write a song.
Hopefully, it's popular
and it becomes a hit.
Next time, write a
song, make a bigger hit,
instead of write
a hundred songs,
whittle it down to the
best handful of songs,
form a bigger idea,
figure out a way
for that bigger idea to shape
who you are as a musician.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about what
music has withered down to,
which is old dudes
writing shitty songs
for slutty young twats
who lip-sync those songs
in front of 12-year-old
boys who are rolling on oxy.
That's what I'm talking about.
Instead of young,
developing musical minds
crafting, crafting music,
honing their fucking shit.
That's the thing is that the
choruses are way too catchy.
And that's the problem,
and the upskirt's are
way too easy to find
on the Internet.
They're all over the place.
And yeah, maybe
I'm talking about
the mainstream, but guess what?
That's what most people out
here get, the popular stuff.
It's like, if you kill
99% of the bacteria,
the 1% that survives,
that 1% germ
is so much stronger and more
resilient than the other germs.
And over time, you
know what you get?
Super germ, think about that.
The timeline
expands, gets longer.
When was the last time you
hummed a song, you know?
Remember when we
used to hum songs?
You'd hum it to your buddies.
Hopefully, one of them
would recognize it
and you'd figure out the tune.
Now, you can just google
anything in a second.
Think about what that
does to the human brain.
Makes everything so easy.
We just shrivel up into
these fucking morons.
- Would you shut
the fuck up, please?
- When you're in a
bad mood, you just
make it everybody's
problem, don't you?
When did every Asian
get good at dancing?
Have you noticed that?
(Lonnie laughing)
Every fucking Asian
can dance now.
When did that happen?
You look on the
dance floor at this
breakin' ass,
bad-driving motherfucker
just getting nasty
out there, right?
- Are you almost done with that?
- If I'd shut my mouth
for a second, yeah.
(gamers chattering)
- [Soldier] Kill confirmed.
Kill confirmed.
Nice work, Ghosts, we held on.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I think I'm gonna go.
- [Lonnie] Wait, what?
- I'm just really tired.
- Okay, you can crash
here if you want.
- [Monica] No,
I'm gonna go home.
- Ugh, okay.
Will you do me a favor?
Will you text me
when you get home
and let me know that
you got home okay?
- I won't remember.
- All right, fuck it.
- [Monica] I'm going.
- [Lonnie] Yep.
(traffic roaring)
- [Actor] All right,
yeah, it's definitely.
- Stop staring at me, weirdo.
- I can't help it.
- Well, try.
You're like a creep.
- [Chuck] Revolution,
best thing ever made.
- You watched it?
- So good.
I watched the first
three episodes,
fell asleep halfway
through the fourth.
It's incredible.
Do you understand that?
- (chuckles) It's the
best thing made by people
in the history of everything
ever made by anyone.
- Let's just put it on the list.
- [Lonnie] What is this?
- It's a TV show
she told me about.
- TV show?
- [Chuck] Yeah, it's so good.
- What, why, why?
- You know how War of the
Worlds starts out really awesome
with the electricity going
out and then it just sucks?
- [Lonnie] No.
- Then never mind.
- Okay, ready for work?
- Bye, Monica.
- Bye, Lonnie.
(mellow piano music)
- [Chuck] That was for you.
- [Man] I was trying to
keep the game interesting.
- [Chuck] Everything all right?
- It ain't happening.
- [Chuck] What ain't happening?
- Come on, man.
You know what ain't happening.
- [Chuck] Looked good from here.
- Fuck it, though, right?
- Fuck it.
- Fuck it.
- [Jenny] Is
everything all right?
- She ain't comin'.
- [Jenny] Oh, you know what?
Fuck her.
I'm sorry, Lonnie.
- That's cool.
(mellow piano music)
Phil, let me get
another one of these.
Hold the ice or else I'll
just kill myself, you know.
Hey, jaywalkers!
Hey, you motherfucker, you
best be crossing at the light!
You're gonna get fucked up!
No, you do it here!
You fuck 'em up.
You don't see the sign, man?
What good is it for
you to pay the taxes
on a sign, and you're
not gonna use it?
(car honks)
Oh, shit!
Fuck this sign!
Fuck this sign.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, come on.
- [Lonnie] What
do you mean, whoa?
- [Phil] Whoa, whoa, come on.
Don't be an asshole.
(Lonnie groaning)
(bag crinkling)
- Nice job, asshole,
fucking moron.
(keys clinking)
Oh, shit.
- [Bartender] Rough
night, Lonnie?
- Shit, I didn't
even drive here.
I'm failing to see the point
in getting up in the morning.
- [Father] Go on.
- What I do most days seems
pointless because
what's it supporting?
Most days I'm too...
I used to look forward to
seeing this girl I liked, right?
You know what?
No.
There was this guy that I knew
from like a lifetime ago, right?
He killed himself.
He offed himself
on New Year's Eve.
Not only was...
Not only did I not really care,
but I really wasn't surprised,
and it made sense to me.
- [Father] Him killing himself
or killing oneself in general?
- Killing oneself in general.
- [Father] You have any idea
why he'd do such a thing?
- Oh yeah, 'cause
he was way too drunk
and way too lonely, and
I know that feeling.
- [Father] You were
about to mention a girl?
- Yeah, I was kind
of seeing this
girl that I'm
really crazy about.
But, I don't think
anything's gonna happen.
No, you know what?
Nothing is gonna happen.
She doesn't feel the way I
feel, and just saying it hurts.
- Go on.
- Really, that's it.
Before I could look forward
to seeing her at least,
even if she just
came over and slept,
which she did do
a couple of times.
It was just nice having
somebody there with me.
I mean, what am I supposed
to do now, get a fucking cat?
Sorry.
- Some sense of community,
no matter how small,
is what makes life worth living.
You ever consider volunteering
here at the church?
- Oh, that sounds awful.
- [Father] Why?
- I don't know.
I don't know why I
said that either.
I sound like an asshole, shit!
All right, I'm
just gonna shut up.
- Taking the Lord's name in vain
is the only cursing
that I'm aware of,
and you did sound
like an asshole.
(Lonnie laughs)
But you see why I suggest
living your life not just with
but for someone is what
makes life worth living,
worth getting out of
bed in the morning,
someone looking forward to
seeing you and you them.
I assume you don't
attend mass regularly?
- [Lonnie] No, I do not.
- Mm-hm, and a little problem
with the cigarettes and booze?
- [Lonnie] Yeah,
how'd you know that?
- I can smell it.
- [Lonnie] Oh, right, dumb.
- Is it a problem?
- I'm aware of what I do.
I'm trying to make
healthier habits.
- [Father] That's
why I ask about mass.
Any particular reason?
- Yeah, the girl was
kind of a health nut--
- [Father] Any particular reason
you don't attend
a weekly service?
- Oh, I don't know.
After my Mom died,
my sister and I
kept going out of respect
or something, but my Dad,
he just wasn't that into it,
so it kind of petered off.
But, I hear what
you're saying, Father.
It's just I feel like
an idiot, you know?
- Wanting to live your life with
someone feels great, doesn't it?
- [Lonnie] Yeah.
- Yeah, but who that
someone is is not up to you.
You think it's this girl.
Guess it's not.
Just relax.
Look around.
Pay attention.
Take the opportunities when they
present themselves,
and they will.
- I feel like I should shake
your hand or something.
Should I come out there?
- [Father] Nah, we're good.
- Well, now I feel awkward.
So what about like
one of these up here?
You got that?
- [Father] Are we fist-bumping?
- I think we are.
Come on.
Give me a little
something, Father.
- Got it.
- Got it, thanks.
Thanks for talking with me.
- It's my pleasure.
What else am I gonna do in here?
- I don't know.
You could be playing
Angry Birds or something.
- [Father] Yes, I could be.
- I'm Lonnie, by the way.
- [Father] Nice to
meet you, Lonnie.
- Yeah, it's nice to meet
you, too, Father, um.
- [Father] Tony.
- [Lonnie] Huh,
Father Tony, seems
like a weird name for a priest.
- Does it?
- [Lonnie] No, and I don't
know why I said that, either.
- It's a first.
- [Lonnie] I'm just trying
to keep you on your toes.
- You take care of
yourself, Lonnie.
- I will.
Thanks again, Father.
- [Father] I haven't
done anything, Lonnie.
- [Cal] Hey, hey,
how's everybody?
- [Aunt Lil] How are you?
- Hey, hi, guys.
- Hi!
- Hi, how are you?
- Hey, what's happening?
- [Ernie] Hey,
what's up, calzone?
- Hey, hey, I heard that.
(people socializing)
- [Ernie] Got any coffee?
They don't have any good stuff.
- Hi!
- Good to see ya.
- Good seeing you!
- What's going on, bud?
- Hi, Ernie.
- Hey, how you doing?
Hey, how come we don't see
that Brian guy anymore?
- 'Cause we broke up
like three months ago.
- Oh, well, I guess
that would explain it.
- You should listen
when people talk to you.
- I've been hearing about
how good it is all the time.
- This is Brock's first
ever Freddie's Pizza.
- [Lonnie] What, you've
never taken him there before?
- [Jock] Never got around to it.
- You got the giardin?
- What's up, man?
I'm Lonnie, nice to meet you.
- You too.
What did you say,
you got the what?
- Giardin.
- I was gonna bust your balls--
- You never had giardin?
- You know what it is?
You're too tall.
I can't bust your balls.
You're too tall to tease.
Wait, you've never
had giardin before?
What, are you from Florida?
That's weird.
- He just doesn't get out much.
- [Brock] Yeah, I
was born in Michigan.
Does that answer any questions?
- No.
- [Jock] Go ahead.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
- Go, try it.
- Straight in?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- It's amazing.
I love it!
- Hey!
- Hey, I'll get you a jar.
I'll give you this jar.
- [Cousin] She looks dirty.
- She looks dirty.
- She's a ginger.
(all laughing)
I like that.
That's nice.
- [Cal] You know,
Connie Chung in her day?
- Yeah, she's no Linda Yu.
(all laughing)
She's no Connie Chung.
- Yeah, I was gonna
say, Connie Chung.
(people socializing)
- Same stories over
and over again.
- [Aunt Lil] Lil needs
a change of pants.
It's gotten to that
point of the night.
- (chuckles) I've told
you like 15 times.
- [Lonnie] Wait, I thought
you were kidding, though.
- No, I kept telling you.
- Wait, you're seriously a
fucking private investigator?
- Yeah.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- [Lonnie] Is your
name on your door?
- I mean, the company
name is on the door.
There's a couple of
us that work there.
- [Lonnie] You carry a gun?
- I have once.
- Mm-hmm, have
you ever showed up
to a crime scene, and a cop's
been like, "Beat it, Brock!
"This crime scene's
for real cops!"
- (laughs) You don't
have to answer that
because that
question is retarded.
(laughs) I'm so sorry.
- What, no, that's not.
- I apologize for him.
- But doesn't that happen?
No, I'm very sorry to
overload you with questions.
I'm very sorry.
- It's fine.
I mean, it's a lot of
surveillance, you know.
You're serving people.
- You serve people papers,
so you go up to someone,
and you say, "Oh,
hey, you're so and so.
"Well, guess what?
"You've been served."
(Jock laughs)
What?
- Some iteration of that.
- Okay, like what?
- You're an idiot.
- Okay, so the other
day I pull up to this,
you know, I mean, I pull
up to this guy's place,
like 600-pound black guy
and 10 of his best friends
sitting on the
stoop, bullshitting.
- How did you know it wasn't
just like a basketball game?
- You know, in that case,
I call back to the office.
There's absolutely no way.
- What if that was us?
What if that was me and you?
(Joe laughs)
Hey, what's so, really, Dad?
What's so funny?
I know I look like a pussy.
I know I look like a pussy,
but I'm strong as shit.
I can totally prove it.
- [Jock] You're
a pussy. (laughs)
- [Joe] Mouth!
- I'm being straight, though.
What if one day I
tagged along with you?
Could we do that?
- [Jock] Don't encourage him.
I mean, you don't
have to do that.
- No, I want to go!
I want to go.
- It'll be fine with me.
It would be fine with me.
- Can I come with you?
- Absolutely.
- For real.
- [Brock] Are you serious?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
- All right, I
don't see why not.
- For real?
- For real.
If you're serious,
I'm serious, buddy.
- I'm serious.
- Let's do it.
- That's awesome, thank you.
- [Brock] If you really,
yeah, if you really want to.
- I do really want to.
This guy's welcome any
time into my house.
He comes into my house,
he's welcome here.
(men laughing)
- [Ernie] I don't know
any of their names,
but they do the news in bikinis.
(people socializing)
- [Ernie] How do you know
they're doing the news?
- [Cal] I don't know
what they're doing.
- [Ernie] I don't speak
the language, but I'm like,
transfixed, absolutely
transfixed by it.
(mellow piano music)
- [Director] Should have gone
a little longer just then.
(mellow piano music)
(car engine rumbles)
- Hey, jaywalkers!
Hey, you motherfucker, you
best be crossing at the light!
You're gonna get fucked up!
No, you do it here!
Do it here, you see?
You fuck 'em up.
You don't see the sign, man?
What good is it for
you to pay the taxes
on a sign, and you're
not gonna use it?
(car honks)
Oh, shit!
See?
Fucking working
for everybody, bro.
Working for everybody.
Go ahead.
Fuck this sign!
Fuck this sign.
Fuck this sign.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, come on.
- [Lonnie] What
do you mean, whoa?
- Whoa, whoa, come on.
Don't be an asshole.
- No, it's my friend.
- [Lonnie] Why was
he acting like that?
- [Monica] I don't know.
He's just being a
really big baby.
- [Lonnie] And you only
have one sibling, right?
- [Monica] Yeah, my little bro.
- And you guys get along?
- [Monica] Yeah, we
hang out all the time.
- You hang out?
- Like drink beer in
the garage with friends.
- [Lonnie] Oh, that
sounds awesome.
- I look forward to it.
- [Lonnie] Me and
my sister, we'll go
to concerts and shit together.
You think it's weird
that we talk about sex?
- [Monica] Who?
- Me and my sister.
- You have sex with your sister?
- What?
No, no, no, we talk about sex.
She'll be like, "Yeah,
I was fucking this dude.
"He had all this
shit in his teeth."
And I'll tell her about
the girls I've been boning.
- (groans) You know what?
I don't really want
to hear about that.
- What?
- That's weird.
- All right, come on.
- That's not weird.
- Let's go.
- It is, yeah, it is.
- Time for work, come on.
- But okay, so I
guess that's it.
- Let's go.
- But all day today, I'll think
about seeing you tomorrow.
- [Chuck] Oh, see
how nice he can be?
- A prince.
- [Lonnie] Hey, Monica, Monica!
- Come on.
- Bye, Lonnie.
- [Chuck] Let's go.
Wrap it up.
- [Lonnie] I don't
know, is it weird
that I think she's really hot?
- [Chuck] No, she's beautiful.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, she
got a boyfriend, though.
- [Chuck] Yeah, but
she don't like him.
- [Lonnie] How do you know?
- [Chuck] How long did it
take for her to bring him up?
- [Lonnie] I don't know, why?
- Exactly, I met the dude.
He's kind of a pill.
- A pill, what do you
mean, like a mope?
- Yeah, like a mope.
He's the guy she was
fucking in college
and now she doesn't know
how to get rid of him.
- [Lonnie] You assume!
- Yeah, I do, and when I
assume, I'm usually right.
That's what happens when
you're brought up Catholic
and you go to college,
and you want to fuck.
You pick a fellow
out that doesn't
disgust you and you
call it a boyfriend.
It eases the bred-in guilt.
- Hmm, objection.
- Grounds?
- That you did
not go to college.
- Overruled.
- Overruled, overruled, why?
- Because I fuck a
lot of college girls.
(engine starting)
- Ay-yai-yai.
You know what's fucked up?
People still talk
about Seinfeld.
You say something to
somebody, and they're like,
"Oh yeah, like that Seinfeld.
"Did you ever see
that Seinfeld?"
It's weird, man.
The show's been off the
air for like 10 years.
(sandpaper scraping)
- [Chuck] Oh, more
than 10 years.
We were in high school when
that show went off the air.
- No.
- [Chuck] Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
- Wait.
Okay.
And, what year did
we graduate again?
- (sighs) I don't care.
- Huh, shit, '98.
- We graduated in 1988?
- [Lonnie] That's
what it says here.
- What, that we
graduated in '98?
- [Lonnie] No, it says Seinfeld.
- Oh, Seinfeld's '98.
- Yeah, it says--
- What year did we graduate?
- [Lonnie] No, I think
we graduated in '98, too.
- Oh, so they both
happened in '98?
- We both graduated in '98.
- [Chuck] We both
graduated in '98.
- Yeah.
What the fuck have we been doing
for the last 10 years, man?
(sandpaper scraping)
- [Chuck] 16 years.
- Holy shit.
- I'm gonna stop thinking
about that right now.
(sandpaper scraping)
- That's probably a good idea.
- [Woman] Okay, here you go.
- [Chuck] All right, thank you.
- [Woman] My dog got into some
of that stuff you were using.
- The mud?
- Yeah, he ate some of it.
Is that bad?
- It ain't good.
- [Woman] Any idea
what I should do?
- Just keep an eye on him.
Make sure they poop
in the next 24 hours.
It happens.
- [Woman] Oh, okay.
- They love that
stuff for some reason.
- All right, thank you.
- [Chuck] Nothing
to worry about.
- All right.
Come on, guys.
- Bert?
- Yeah, babe.
(mellow piano music)
- You hear about those
kids in Romeoville?
- Uh-uh.
No, what should I have heard?
- Fucking kids are nuts.
They take their friend,
light him on fire
and then they were gonna
cut him up and bury him.
That didn't work.
They take him, throw him in
back of his mother's car,
and then they go play
video games all night.
- [Lonnie] Jesus Christ,
that's fucked up.
- [Phil] Yeah, I
know, you know what?
This whole Chicago
area is going to hell.
- Yeah, Romeoville, right?
- Yeah, Romeoville,
Chicago, just
aggravates the hell out of me.
Hey, did you drive
tonight, Lonnie?
- No, I didn't.
I walked from home.
Yeah, I was at home.
I didn't want to be there.
So I figured I would come down
here and hang out with you
as fucking sad as that sounds.
- [Phil] Come on, it's
not that fucking sad.
- It's not that fucking sad?
- [Phil] Come on, I'm
not that bad, am I?
- No, you're not that bad.
- Ah, come on, here.
Let's make it a little happier.
- Oh, happier, isn't
alcohol a depressant?
- Not when it's free.
(Lonnie laughs)
There you go, pal.
- Thanks, Phil.
- All right, salud.
- Salud.
What do I owe you
for everything?
- [Phil] You know what?
Just call it 25.
- Okay, oh, shit, thanks.
There you go.
Have a good night.
- [Phil] All right, you too.
Be careful out there, okay?
See you tomorrow.
(glass clinking)
(ice clanking)
(drink splashing)
(drink splashing)
(mellow piano music)
(Lonnie sighs)
- [Monica] I can't see anything.
- Oh, you dick.
- Oh, my purse.
- [Lonnie] No, I got it.
Hey, no, no, hey, come here.
I got it.
It's right here.
It's on my shoulder.
(both chuckling)
(both smooching)
Wait, wait, what?
What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
(chuckles) Oh.
- [Lonnie] Okay, okay, come on.
(Monica groaning)
(laughs) Come on.
Turn over.
Come here.
Come here.
Give me these.
(Monica groaning)
Here, sit, sit up.
- [Monica] Are
you tucking me in?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, I guess so.
- [Monica] Gross.
- [Lonnie] I'm gonna go
sleep on the couch, okay?
- No, you're supposed
to stay here with me.
- Okay, I don't think
that's a good idea.
- Come here.
- No, stop fucking
with me, please.
- Fine, pussy.
- [Lonnie] Okay.
Okay. (chuckles)
(Monica groaning)
(drink splashing)
(drink splashing)
(mellow piano music)
(Lonnie panting)
(Lonnie panting)
Guess how many miles
I ran yesterday?
- A million miles!
- Why you gotta guess so, no.
I ran five miles.
- Should I have guessed
four and a half?
- Let me tell you.
It was really hard, but
I powered through it.
I was having a good time, and
now I got the shin splints.
- You don't have shin splints.
- [Lonnie] Well,
they hurt like hell.
- Of course it hurts.
When was the last
time you exercised?
- [Lonnie] No.
- You ran five miles?
- I jogged five miles.
- [Monica] Jogged five miles.
- Five miles, though.
- Your shins are sore, but
you don't have shin splints.
Your butt's probably sore.
- It is.
- Do you have ass splints?
- No.
- It's like the most
annoying thing in the world
when people start jogging
and then they quit
because they've heard
of shin splints.
- [Lonnie] Well,
you always explains
things to me so I
understands them.
- Somebody's gots to,
Lonnie, somebody's gots to.
- [Lonnie] I ain't gettin'
no more clean otherwise.
- (laughs) What?
- No!
- [Monica] What the hell, dude.
Come on.
- No!
- Ow, fuck!
- Leave me alone.
(Monica chuckles)
- Mike.
Mike?
Michael?
Michael?
Mike?
(clears throat) Can I trade you
one of my oranges for one
of your special oranges?
Ow!
- What the fuck?
(Monica screaming)
- [Dick] Pull!
(gun fires)
- Hear about that
old guy, he shot one
of the intruders that
was robbing his house?
- No, I didn't.
What happened?
- He's totally fucked.
The guy was running
the other way,
so he wasn't in any danger.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, I don't
really give a shit about that.
You know what scares
me is the other people.
- That's what we're
saying, dickhead.
- [Dick] Pull!
(gun fires)
- [Geno] Every time
somebody gets shot,
it's always the
gun they're after.
- [Bobby] Right, 'cause
if he had a lead pipe
he'd have beat those
kids to death with it.
- [Geno] But here's
the thing, though.
- The fuck's that mean?
- [Geno] Think about it, idiot.
- Pull!
- Listen.
(gun fires)
If the guy hadn't
had those guns,
he wouldn't have shot
those people, right?
- [Geno] You asked him?
- No, I assumed,
and when I assume--
- You make an ass--
- No, I am usually
right when I assume.
- Pull!
- All right.
- Hold on a second.
Let me load the fucking track.
- You see a guy raping a
girl, can you shoot him?
- [Dick] Pull!
- No, you tell him
to knock it off.
(gun fires)
- Self-defense only.
- [Dick] You want me to?
- [Lonnie] No, I got it.
- All right.
- I got it.
You know, sometimes I
get so bored or so drunk
that I think about
blowing my head off
or shooting it out the window.
- Why don't you?
- I don't know, just lazy.
- [Geno] Pull!
- That's like fucking Campbell.
(gun fires)
- Easy.
- Wait, what do you mean
like fucking Campbell?
What are you talking about?
- [Dick] He fucking
killed himself.
- Wait, when?
- [Geno] Pull.
- Hold on.
- [Dick] New Year's Eve.
(gun fires)
- The 18th, I heard.
- Nobody told me.
- Wait, what'd you say?
- [Dick] December 18th.
- [Bobby] December 18th, okay.
- Dude, but nobody
told me, though.
- Yeah, man, it's Campbell.
It's not like they
set up a scholarship
fund for the fucking guy.
- [Lonnie] Why the fuck
didn't anybody tell me?
- I guess we filed it in our
give-a-shit file and moved on.
Pull!
- Seriously.
- [Bobby] Think someone
would have seen something.
- Pull!
(gun fires)
- Will somebody tell me what the
fuck actually happened, though?
- [Dick] I don't think
there's a funeral or anything.
- [Geno] Pull!
- They didn't really
keep in touch at all.
He was with a girl.
She got tired of being
with a drunk, I guess.
New Year's Eve,
lonely, probably--
- Drunk out of his mind.
- Yeah, fucking killed himself.
- [Geno] You surprised?
- No, not really.
- [Geno] Pull!
(gun fires)
- Yeah, it sounds like
a really good time.
No, it sounds like you're gonna
be having a really fun time.
You still there?
You all right?
I guess I'll just
go fuck myself then.
- Well, I already got the
tickets and everything.
I didn't buy them.
I don't know how to answer that.
- [Cashier] 50 cents
box, four, seven, three.
(register beeping)
Nine, one, six.
One, zero, eight.
Eight, three, one.
Six, one, six.
- [Lonnie] Hi, Monica.
- Chuck's out back already.
- [Lonnie] Okay, I'll
just go fuck myself then.
- Oh my God, would you?
- [Lonnie] How's
your morning going?
- Who died?
Fine, Lonnie, how
is your morning
that is just beginning
going so far?
- It's good, this part.
I like this part.
It's fun.
It's about to suck.
How'd that test go?
- It wasn't a test,
but it was good.
- My smart phone
is fucking stupid.
458 on the work order, Fairview.
Do you know where
458 Fairview is at?
- Did you plug the
street address in?
- Yeah, I plugged it in.
- No, the. (groans)
Okay, first of all, you
have to use the pass code.
Do you know what
the pass code is?
- Gotta do that first.
- Yeah, you have to unlock it.
Do you know the password?
- In no uncertain terms.
She feels awful about
it, just terrible.
- Hey, part-time.
- Never touches the
drum thing again.
Just sits there, lying totally
to waste, collecting dust.
So what do we do?
We buy a house.
We buy a house so she can play
the video game drums at
9:00 p.m. on a Tuesday.
- Chopping off your
head to fix a toothache.
- Yeah, exactly,
I like it, though.
It's nice.
It's nice to have a to-do list
you actually give a shit about.
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
what school district?
- [Chuck] Uh, 99?
- [Cal] That's good.
That's where we were
before we moved.
- Yeah, it's nice.
- Yeah.
- The only part about the
neighborhood I don't like,
kind of bothers me, is you
have to drive everywhere.
You know, literally everywhere.
You want to get
a gallon of milk.
You gotta get in your car and go
like two miles down the road.
It's kind of fucking with me.
- Yeah, well at least you know
where your money's going for
the next 30 years, right?
- Thanks, that's
helpful, good to know.
- [Cal] Good time to buy.
- [Chuck] Yeah.
- Communities used
to build themselves.
Now, you got to buy your way in.
It's all become a grid.
Home Depot, Meijer,
Bennies, Sam's, Ikea.
Three miles down the road,
Bennies, Home Depot, Office Max.
- And Wal-Mart.
(phone ringing)
- Then how much you make
determines which grid
and how far you are
from black people.
The fuck you want?
- We do live near
Section 8 housing.
- [Cal] What the
fuck do you want?
(engine starts)
- Shut the fuck up!
Shut up!
- [Player] 43, so that
would be two games left.
- This is what I get for
fucking playing 13-year-olds.
Piece of shit, does your mom
know you're up this late?
Huh, you little bitch?
All right, now, watch how...
Watch how a fucking
man does it, huh?
Oh!
(man screams)
- [Soldier] We're in the lead!
(guns firing)
- [Soldier] Kill confirmed.
- [Player] It's
crazy how somebody's
really fucking
sniping on this map.
- [Lonnie] That
sounds really nice.
- [Monica] It is.
- [Lonnie] Okay, well,
just think of me here
sitting around with my thumb
up my ass while you're there.
- [Monica] I don't
know what to say that.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, you don't
know what to say to anything.
- You and your feelings.
- Okay, how 'bout this?
I don't want to be just the guy
that you're fucking,
which I love.
I love that part.
I'm not complaining about that.
But, please, let me know, so I
don't feel like I'm gonna die
standing around waiting,
wondering whether or not
you're gonna invite me to a
Sunday dinner at some point.
- Okay, I'm not ready for that.
- Ouch, but okay.
Why don't we just say that
instead of you standing around
shuffling your feet and
scratching the countertop?
- I get scared because every
relationship I'm in I get bored.
- [Lonnie] Every relationship?
How many relationships
have you been in?
- I just broke up with
my boyfriend for you.
What is that cunty face?
- You act like
you're 40 years old
and have been
engaged three times.
- I don't know what that means.
- It means that the
best day of my life
is when you broke up with
that dude, but come on.
- Come on, what?
Don't piss me off, just--
- It was a long-distance thing
that you weren't that into.
And a relationship is just a
little bit more than having sex
with somebody in your group
of friends at college.
Otherwise, that's just
Catholic at college.
- You don't--
- [Lonnie] And you didn't
mention him for like an entire
month after we
started hanging out.
- I don't want to
talk about this.
- Okay.
- So, what is it like
to know everything, hm?
- Oh, I get pretty
tired of people
resenting me for
it all the time.
(coffee splashing)
- [Monica] I'm gonna go.
- Okay.
Hey, you know what I
mean, though, right?
- Yeah.
- [Sully] So these
snakehead fish, they're--
- [Cashier] How you doing?
- Can I get three wet?
Two with hot giardin and one
with sweet pepperoncinis to go.
- Anything else?
- No, that's it.
- Looking for you.
- You know what we could do?
We could just not go to--
- $17.94.
- [Sully] Yeah, that's true.
You could.
- Thanks, man.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a good day.
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, oh, shit!
Sully, what's up, man?
- [Sully] What's up, Lonnie?
How you doing?
- Oh my God, it's
good to see you.
How's it going?
- Good to see you, good, good.
Hey, this is my wife Katherine.
- Your wife?
Oh my God, holy shit.
- Hi.
- Sully got married.
- Two years.
- Two years?
- It is so funny.
- What's so funny?
- Oh, we were just
talking about how whenever
we come out here, everyone
starts calling him Sully.
- Oh, yeah, you know what?
I know, I know, and if
someone had actually asked me
his first name, it would have
taken me a minute to remember.
So where are you guys living?
- [Sully] Yorkville.
- Oh, Jesus, really?
No wonder you're here.
- It's where she's from.
- That's where I'm from.
- Are people from
Yorkville, really?
- So what are you doing?
- I'm good.
I've just been
working with Chuck.
I'm here, I'm gonna
get some beef,
gonna see my dad, we're
gonna watch the game.
- Yeah, how's he doing?
- He's good, he's fucking crazy.
- [Sully] He's good, though?
- Yeah, he's good, yeah.
How's it going with you?
Did you ever get that mole
removed off your dong?
- (laughs) I think that's
somebody else's dong.
- No, I think that's your dong.
- You've had so many
dongs that you--
- I know, there's a lot of them.
- Hey, we're pregnant.
- Oh my God, wow,
that's awesome.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, we're excited.
- That's awesome, wow, fuck!
- [Katherine] What
was your name again?
- Lonnie.
- Lonnie.
Sorry, one second.
- (laughs) She
used to say, "Well,
"it used to work when
you were a baby."
(women laughing)
So she kept doing it.
He would come home from
school during lunch.
And he'd be like, "Mama, Mama.
(women laughing)
"It hurts."
- I don't know.
Where are your counters?
- Good question.
- When are they coming?
Okay, I don't know what to say
to these kind of people, right?
- Tell them to fuck off.
- [Ernie] (laughs)
Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Yeah, you'd like to.
So anyway, we jump in the truck,
fucking fly out to Romeoville.
- Monica?
Monica?
How's Brian doing?
We never see him anymore.
- Oh, that's 'cause we're
not together anymore.
- [Aunt Lil] Oh, oh no.
- Yeah, it's okay.
I broke up with him.
- Oh, sweetie, you two
were so cute together.
- [Monica] Were we?
- [Aunt Lil] Sure you were.
- No, I think it was just me.
(women laughing)
- So, how's school going?
- It's good.
- [Aunt Lil] Good.
- Yeah.
(men laughing)
- And we lost her,
there she goes.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You need sleeves for that
shirt, I got some inside.
- No, I'm good.
- All right.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- Yeah, it's cool.
- All right.
So what else is going on?
- [Lonnie] (scoffs) Nothing.
My clan made 50.
- What the hell does that mean?
- [Lonnie] Guys I
play video games with.
We made 50.
- You still with that shit, huh?
- [Lonnie] 50 all
over the world, Dad.
- Yeah, well, it's bad
for your head, that shit.
So is staying in so much.
What's going on with that girl?
- Nothing, you
know what, though?
I think it's okay
'cause I'm handsome.
- [Joe] Well, you got
to be more than handsome
if she's the prize
you're describing.
- No, I meant like I don't look
like a video game
guy, so it's okay.
- [Joe] Stands to reason.
- [Jock] I thought you
were bringing beef?
- I did, it's right there.
- [Jock] Oh, I'm
fucking starving.
- You say hello?
- Hi.
- Aren't you gonna say anything
about Dad's cool invention?
- Oh, that's awesome.
Come on, Dad, bros before hos.
Let's go.
- I don't even know
what that thing does.
- Bradley used to
say, "Hey, Brethren,
"let's go to the
Chinese food restaurant.
"Let's go to the Chinaman.
(Ernie laughs)
"Let's call up the Chinaman."
- Sure, yeah.
- Right?
- I used to make a stir-fry.
Girlfriend of mine lived
next door when we were
in the house on Cicero
gave me the recipe.
I probably made
it twice a month.
Then when Bud was getting
on, he wasn't eating as much.
I'd make a pot of soup.
- [Little Mike] Mike.
- Who's that?
- [Little Mike] That's her.
That there, that's the guitar.
- [Mike] That's awesome.
- [Little Mike] Okay, let
me show you something else.
- I'm going to make
that next week.
He said, "No, no,
don't worry about it."
I'm gonna make
you your stir-fry.
- [Mike] Holy shit.
- And he says, "Lil, I never
"really cared for
your stir-fry."
- What'd you say?
- I just said "Okay,
I won't make it."
Took him 30 years
to say something.
- [Little Mike] Think
it was like five feet.
- [Mike] Jesus Christ.
- [Little Mike] Yeah.
- [Lonnie] But they
had some pretty good--
- Thought you were
bringing Sebastian.
- [Jock] Right, you know
damn well his fuckin' name.
- [Lonnie] No,
it's Brett, right?
- Brock, it's not funny.
- [Lonnie] Brock.
- [Joe] Trevor?
- No, Tootsie, right?
- It was Tootsie,
you're right, Tootsie.
(men laughing)
Come on, you said you
were bringing him.
- You know what?
I actually think
that he's made up.
I think you made
up Brock the hunk
because you're ashamed to
admit that you're a dyke.
- Fuck off, Lonnie.
- [Lonnie] Uh-huh.
- Well, next time we come,
I'll bring him by then.
- Something come up,
what, family, work, what?
- Work.
So how's it with that girl,
you go limp in her yet?
- Once you see how
fucking beautiful
she is, you'll want
to hit that shit.
- [Jock] Thanks for the warning.
- Mm, I don't know.
I tell her how I feel.
I tell her what's up, and
she's like, she's weird.
She's not like that.
She said she doesn't
feel anything.
- That's stupid.
- I know, it's weird.
- I don't like her.
- [Lonnie] But you
don't know her.
- I want to punch
her in the face.
Don't know why.
- Well, if you don't care,
then why are you asking me?
- If she doesn't tell
you how she feels,
it's 'cause she doesn't
feel the same way.
- [Joe] Quit like you
know everything, Jock.
- Where's my purse?
- Last time I used it, I put
it back where it belongs.
Listen, she's young, all right?
Keep your mouth shut, have fun.
- I know, it's just I've
never felt this way before.
- I know.
- No, you don't.
- Really, could have
swore you just told me.
- I don't know,
Dad, the thing is--
- I'm saying I know
the feeling, all right?
- No, you don't.
- One of these
days, I'm gonna say,
"I understand," and
you'll just say, "Thanks."
- [Jock] The fuck is this?
What the fuck is this, Dad?
- Nothin', it's for
my doctor, all right?
It's a note, just give it to me.
- [Jock] Well, what are you
having all these tests for?
- Look, if you would
bother to read--
- Well, you had
to have a biopsy!
You don't fucking tell anybody?
- It's a little thing.
They felt they should
look, all right?
- You don't fucking
do this, Dad!
You don't keep shit
like this to yourself!
- Enough with the mouth, Jesus--
- Don't you yell at me!
I know you're Mr. Tough
Guy, but you don't
fucking keep shit
like this from us!
You don't do it!
- Fine!
- No fine!
Not fine!
You don't do that!
- [Joe] Okay.
- That's what we're here for.
That's why we're here.
Weren't you scared?
Would have been nice to
talk to somebody, huh?
I'm so pissed at you.
You're okay, though?
- Yeah.
- Weren't you worried?
- [Joe] Yeah.
- [Jock] Yeah.
Well, that's what
we're here for.
- I appreciate you not
bothering me, though.
- Suck a dick, Lonnie.
- [Joe] What, do you talk
to your friends like that?
- [Jock] I can talk
however the fuck I want!
You're some kind of
saint or something?
- [Joe] I can make
it through a sentence
without sounding like trash!
- [Jock] Oh, trash!
- All right!
You okay?
You all right, moving on?
- Yeah.
- What'd you want to tell me?
- [Jock] What?
- Your purse, you said
something about your purse.
How's everything else, good?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, it's good.
- Good.
Listen, that girl, you
should bring her around.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, she's
weird, but (mumbles).
- [Joe] All right,
it's good, yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Dad?
Come on, I want to go.
- [Cal] Huh?
- Dad, come on.
- Okay.
I'm up.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh.
Why the hell are we
watching cartoons?
- [Jock] Dad, should
I wake you up?
- Hmm?
- I'm going.
Should I let you sleep?
- No, no, I'm up.
I'm up.
- All right, I'm going.
Wake up.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- [Lonnie] (groans) Ow, ow!
- [Jock] Wake up.
- Stop.
- Wake up.
No, just fucking wake up.
- I love you.
- Love you.
- Bye.
- Oh, uh-oh.
(mellow piano music)
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm really sorry.
- No, it's okay, come in.
- Oh, it smells
really good in here.
- Oh, thanks.
- I fell asleep on the
train, so I'm not tired.
- Oh shit, you took the train?
- Is that a problem?
- Yeah, I was a little
bit worried about that.
The last train is like
an hour from now--
- Oh, I didn't--
- Yeah, I know, but it's okay.
It's fine.
I'll show some
moderate self-control.
I won't get too fucked up.
- I just didn't want you
to have to drive me home.
I guess I'll stay here then.
- Okay, yeah, move
in if you want.
You want a drink?
- Yeah.
- [Lonnie] I went shopping the
other day because I decided
I'm going to start cooking
for myself more often.
- [Monica] That's good.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, surprise, no
more living on takeout for me.
- That's good.
- I already feel so much
better, like immediately.
I don't feel like I shoved
a sandwich up my ass,
and I have to take a nap
for the next six hours.
Oh, and I remembered just
how much I love vegetables.
They stopped looking like
food to me at a certain point.
- You smoke?
- [Lonnie] Oh, no, I quit.
- Cigarettes in your freezer.
- [Lonnie] Yeah, these
are stress cigarettes.
- So you do smoke?
- No, I keep these in
here so that when I start
to have a craving,
I won't freak out.
I won't buy a pack.
I'll smoke one,
I'll throw it away,
and I'll feel like
shit about myself.
Just knowing that they're in
there is like a relief for me.
- Security blanket?
- Exactly.
Yeah, I picked it up from this
guy that I used to work for.
He used to carry a pack in his
breast pocket for like 25 years.
- When?
- In high school.
- When did you quit?
- When you agreed to
see me outside of work.
- You are such a weirdo.
- [Lonnie] What, really?
Don't say that.
Come on, don't say that.
- Do you have any limes?
- I do.
I got everything.
I also got you a
toothbrush and a hairdryer
'cause, you know, I
figured that those could
be some things
that you would use.
- Well, that is--
- [Lonnie] That's what?
That's really sweet, thoughtful.
How about this?
Every time you say,
"You are such a weirdo,"
all I will hear you saying
is, "You are so goddamn cute."
- You're so good-lookin'.
- I'll take that too.
- No, that's from
that Seinfeld episode
where they say instead
of God bless you,
when people sneeze, they say,
"You're so good looking."
- Wanna see your surprise?
You all right?
Is this wet?
- Yeah, oh.
- Oh.
- Am I gonna end up in a trunk?
- Mm, I don't know.
Why did I say that?
- [Monica] I don't know.
I mean, there's some,
there's some up there.
- The moon seems pretty bright.
- [Monica] It is.
That might be part
of the problem.
- That's pretty.
- My family has this
place, we call it camp,
but it's actually
like a little house.
It has plumbing and everything,
but it's kind of off
the beaten track,
like the last three miles
getting there are all dirt road.
And at night, if you
walk away from the fire,
and you let your eyes adjust,
you can see so many stars.
It's like dizzying
because there's like
more stars than there is
black, all these white dots.
I'm not describing it well.
When I laid down and stared
at them, I just got really sad
because we can't see
the stars where we live.
It all gets drowned
out by all the light.
- The ambient light.
- Amblient.
- Yeah, the ambulance light.
- Ambulances and ambient.
- [Lonnie] (laughs)
I think it's a combo.
- It's a (laughs).
- I'll accept ambulance lights.
- Yeah, it's just stupid,
like I can't believe
that all that man-made shit
could outdo the stars, you know?
Where's the wonder in that?
That just sucks.
- Yeah, stars
don't really shine.
They're just there.
- It's some bullshit.
- [Lonnie] It is some bullshit.
Do you like your surprise?
- I love it.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Not too cheesy?
- Well.
- Well, a little
bit maybe, like.
(both laughing)
- Why are you so nice to me?
- Really?
Come on, don't.
I know that you're
not comfortable
with me telling you that
I love you, but I do.
Just don't fucking
bait me into saying it.
Don't fuck with me.
- Oh my God, you're the
angriest elf right now.
You're an angry elf.
(mellow piano music)
Don't be angry.
You want to dance
with me up here?
- Yes, you know that I do.
- [Monica] All right. (groans)
(Monica laughs)
Hey, creep.
- Hey.
- [Monica] Uh-uh.
- What do you mean, uh-uh?
No, come on, come here.
Come on!
I have morning breath, too.
It'll cancel out.
- [Monica] No, mine's the worst.
- I didn't want to
tell you this before
'cause I thought you'd judge me,
but bad breath is
a fetish of mine.
I swear.
- [Monica] I bet it is.
- [Lonnie] I need stink.
- [Monica] Hmm.
- Oh my God, that
smells like an abortion.
- (laughs) What the fuck?
- That's terrible.
- Oh, come on.
You like it.
- Uh-huh.
(both smooching)
Uh, okay.
I know you're just
fucking with me.
But I'm not not
playing this game.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm really hungry,
and I need to poop.
- Oh, awesome.
- [Monica] And you're not
supposed to give blowjobs
on an empty stomach, you know?
- Is that true?
- [Monica] Uh-huh.
- [Lonnie] Where'd
you hear that from?
- My gammy.
- [Lonnie] Really?
- Yeah, my grandmother.
(Lonnie laughs)
(Monica laughs)
- You're perfect.
- Shut up.
- [Lonnie] I'm serious.
You're the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
- You're nice.
- [Lonnie] I'm including
all print media in that too.
- [Monica] Where's my bra?
- I don't know, but
last time I used it,
I put it back where it belongs.
We text all the time and shit.
It's just she's
either like too tired
from school or it's
some family shit,
which you know
what, I totally get.
What sucks is when
she's like, "Yeah,
"oh, I can't really
go out because I'm
"doing things with
friends tonight."
- What's wrong with, oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I don't know.
I'll just go fuck myself, right?
You know, the thing
is I just don't want
to be all like,
"Oh, what about me?"
- [Chuck] "Can I come
out and play too?"
- If she was wants to
invite me, she will.
Otherwise, I don't, I
just feel like an asshole.
- You can't put
her in a position
if she still hasn't
come up to answers
with all your crazy,
fucked up questions.
- What crazy questions?
- I'm just saying save some
shit for yourself, you know?
Let it happen.
You go to a diner.
You eat some food.
Talk about the food, you know?
You go out, take a shit.
Talk about the shit.
That's where shoot the
shit comes from by the way.
- I'm just tired of
putting myself out there.
I'm tired of being
clear and honest,
and she doesn't give
anything back, you know?
And she'll say, "Oh, I broke
up with my boyfriend for you,"
and I want to tell her,
"Hey, you know what?
"We were fucking
before you did that."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, you never do that.
You never, ever, ever use
that against her, ever.
- Why, it's fucking true.
- One thing you never do,
that's one thing everyone knows.
You never use a woman's
indiscretions against her, ever.
You know?
You never buy a used
car from a friend.
You never ask a pediatric
surgeon how his day went.
- [Lonnie] Wait, who said that?
- I said that!
- [Lonnie] You said that?
- I said that.
I'm fucking funny.
What took you so long
to figure that out?
- Hey, all right.
- Hey.
- Oh no, this room's supposed
to be blue. (chuckles)
- How's it going?
- It's good, how's
it going in here?
- Good, good, smooth sailing.
- Yeah.
All right, good to hear.
Right, I'm going out
for like an hour.
Do you guys need
anything from me?
- [Lonnie] No, I'm good, thanks.
- A winning lotto
ticket would be great.
- (laughs) Yeah, all right,
I'll see what I can do.
- [Chuck] Be safe.
- I am.
(Chuck laughs)
- Make sure you
tell all the annoyed
motorists we said what's up.
- Right?
It is the one form of exercise
that puts yourself into
other people's lives, right?
Like, I get it.
You buy some clothes.
Boom, it's a hobby
'cause you invest
a little bit of
money, but know this.
You are fucking annoying.
You're basically
forcing your shit
into other people's lives, and
no one, no one invited you.
Know that.
- [Lonnie] You know
what doesn't bother me,
though, is a Mexican
going to work.
- [Chuck] Yeah,
sure, God bless them.
Their ass is leisurely
on the sidewalk.
- It's the over the
hill, middle-aged spandex
burrito motherfuckers
that get me.
- [Chuck] (chuckles)
Spandex burrito.
- Yeah, it's 'cause
they look like
a burrito made out of spandex.
- [Chuck] I get it.
- [Lonnie] All right.
(upbeat synth music)
Tiny Dancer!
I don't really take you
for dancing guy, man.
- I fucking hate dancing.
- [Lonnie] Me too.
- You know what
else I fucking hate?
- [Lonnie] What?
- The beach.
Went to Florida for our last
vacation, one huge beach.
It was awful.
You know what I also hate?
- What?
- Rollercoasters.
(Lonnie laughs)
Went to Six Flags
for my birthday.
That's all right, I like
doing stuff with her.
I'll dance with her.
That's what she taught me.
She taught me the
guy sitting down
is never gonna get the
girl on the dance floor.
- That's the smartest thing
that anyone has ever said to me.
- You should consider it.
- [Lonnie] I will, thank you.
- Like, now.
(people socializing)
(mellow piano music)
(both smooching)
(both groan)
- [Lonnie] Oh my God,
you're so little.
- I feel little.
(Lonnie laughs)
(Lonnie grunts)
(Monica humming)
(both groaning)
(Monica laughs)
(both smooching)
(mellow piano music)
You're really pretty.
- [Lonnie] I really like
it when you're here.
(both smooching)
- [Monica] God damn it!
- Here.
- I knew this was
going to happen.
Irresponsible, rushing around.
- I'm sorry, I didn't
realize that the alarm
was actually set for something.
- You're no good for me.
You know what?
No one can make me do anything.
You can't push a button
and make me do anything,
but I wouldn't have done
it if I wasn't here.
I wouldn't have done it.
- I made coffee.
- This is stupid.
This is not me!
- Okay, you have 15 minutes.
The train station is
only five minutes away.
That is plenty of time.
- Great, plenty of time.
- I'm sorry!
If I had known that
the alarm was set--
- It's my fault.
I was stupid.
I got shit-faced, and I missed
my alarm, and you're
no good for me.
I have to be responsible, and
you make me irresponsible!
Where are my shoes?
- Listen, it takes less than
five minutes to get there.
I promise.
I've done it like
a hundred times.
You're fine on time.
- [Monica] Do you have an extra
train schedule just in case?
- [Lonnie] No, but
there's a big one mounted
on the outside of the
wall at the train station.
Don't say that I'm
no good for you.
- I had fun.
- They come often
this time of day.
- [Monica] What side of the
tracks are you gonna be on?
- Other side, hey!
Booze breath.
- Bye.
- [Lonnie] Bye.
(sentimental piano music)
(bell clanging)
(woman whoops)
(train roaring and squeaking)
(people socializing)
- So many, I swear I
like don't even know.
- [Chuck] That's the
most important one.
- Oh, that one?
- [Chuck] Yeah.
(all groaning)
- Yep! (claps)
- Yeah, keep smiling,
you fucking moron!
I can't sit here.
I can't.
- [Jenny] Would you relax?
- Jeez, you know what?
You fucking relax!
- It's all right.
- Jesus Christ.
- Settle down.
- All right, okay, okay, okay,
okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry.
- It's just gonna egg
him on, so just leave it.
- Let's just all agree we
want to murder the shit
out of that guy
and just move on.
- [Jenny] Or we
could just leave.
(Lonnie sighs)
- [Man in Red Shirt] I just
thought it was hilarious.
- Hey, there's my buddy.
(people socializing)
- What'd he say?
- [Chuck] I personally
vote that we leave now,
so we don't have to see this
dick bag start celebrating.
- But if we have to listen to
this asshole as we're leaving.
- [Monica] Oh, boy.
- We should just leave, is
that what you're saying?
- This is an angry elf.
It's a very angry elf, angry.
Very angry elf.
Angry, angry, angry elf?
Angry elf, yes.
- [Waiter] Okay, here we go.
Is anybody here a
member of our Wing Ring?
You get an email twice a
month with special offers,
discounts, goings on,
anything like that?
- No.
- No, we're okay.
- [Waiter] You want to sign up?
- [Chuck] For the Wing Ring?
- Mm-hmm.
- No, we're okay.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- [Jenny] Well, no, wait.
- No, we're not signing
up for the Wing Ring.
We're adults.
We're not gonna join
clubs that rhyme, okay?
A little while back, we
were visiting her parents.
Remember this?
We were driving
back to our place,
and we needed to get
food for the turtle,
so we stopped at
this pet store--
- I got cash, don't worry.
- [Monica] I don't.
- It's okay, I got you.
- No, you don't.
- He was checking
us out, he says,
"Do you want to sign up
for our Saver Rager reward
"discount card or
whatever it's called?"
And I'm like, "No, actually,
I just want to go home
"and take a
three-hour nap, okay?"
- You know what?
We'll do all the way, it's
very stylish, I see that.
- "You see this money that's
in your hand right now?
"You could get more money
in your hand right now
"if you sign up
for this discount."
She's already
walking to her car,
doesn't give a fuck, right?
The kid's going on and on
and on about the benefits,
and I'm just like,
"You know what?
"Could you just
give me the money?"
- Because why?
- Because.
- Whatever the
difference would be
if I were to sign up for your
stupid fucking membership,
could you just put
the money in my hand?
Every single store has a
card, every single one.
It undermines the very
notion of membership, okay?
Am I supposed to feel allegiance
or some sort of special quality
if everyone else is doing
the same fucking thing?
No, I live where I live and
the fucking convenient options
are limited so don't patronize
me with your bullshit
and don't compromise my dignity
by having me have 37 fucking
plastic cards in my wallet!
- Chuck, here.
- [Chuck] Thanks.
- You know, no one really gives
a fuck about this story either.
- I'm sorry your
vagina hurts, Lonnie.
I'm really, really
sorry, but it bugs me.
This shit bugs me.
- [Jenny] If it bugs
you, it bugs you.
- It fucking bugs me.
- Everything bugs
him, so here you go.
- Look, I see the world
for what it is, okay?
And it makes absolutely
zero sense to me.
That's all I'm saying.
That's why I keep you around,
honey, because you make sense.
You're the one thing that
makes sense in this world.
- Thank you, let's just pay.
Can we go?
- Yeah, we can go.
- Thank you.
- [Man in Blue Shirt]
Steve Madden purse
that she really liked, and I
was like, "I'll get it for you.
"Don't worry."
Went there, it was gone.
- Jeez.
- Have a nice one, sweetheart.
- Holy shit, stop!
Stop!
Come on, no, no, no, Jesus!
(men shouting)
(mellow piano music)
- Get the fuck off me, man.
Get the fuck off me, man!
(container thwacking)
- There you go, man.
Have a good one, man.
- Have a good day, see ya.
- You too.
- Where the fuck are you?
You're late as
hell, you know that?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, sorry.
- [Chuck] You drunk?
- [Lonnie] Yeah, a
little bit, but I woke up
that way so it's not my fault.
(tools clattering)
- [Chuck] Gyro?
- Sure.
- You know what song
I heard recently
and realized I hear
it all the time?
Life is a Highway, that
is not a good song.
That is a very bad song.
It's amazing how such a lame
metaphor could be so catchy.
You know?
Love is a flower, I
want to watch it bloom
I just made that up.
When's the last time
you bought an album?
When's the last time you cared
that an album was coming out?
Hm, that's the problem.
Everything's about the
singles now, the hits, hits.
You listen to a song, you
like a song, you buy the song,
and then if people buy
it, it becomes a hit.
Think about what
that does to a young,
developing musician,
to their mind.
Think about how it
wires that mind.
Write a song.
Hopefully, it's popular
and it becomes a hit.
Next time, write a
song, make a bigger hit,
instead of write
a hundred songs,
whittle it down to the
best handful of songs,
form a bigger idea,
figure out a way
for that bigger idea to shape
who you are as a musician.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm talking about what
music has withered down to,
which is old dudes
writing shitty songs
for slutty young twats
who lip-sync those songs
in front of 12-year-old
boys who are rolling on oxy.
That's what I'm talking about.
Instead of young,
developing musical minds
crafting, crafting music,
honing their fucking shit.
That's the thing is that the
choruses are way too catchy.
And that's the problem,
and the upskirt's are
way too easy to find
on the Internet.
They're all over the place.
And yeah, maybe
I'm talking about
the mainstream, but guess what?
That's what most people out
here get, the popular stuff.
It's like, if you kill
99% of the bacteria,
the 1% that survives,
that 1% germ
is so much stronger and more
resilient than the other germs.
And over time, you
know what you get?
Super germ, think about that.
The timeline
expands, gets longer.
When was the last time you
hummed a song, you know?
Remember when we
used to hum songs?
You'd hum it to your buddies.
Hopefully, one of them
would recognize it
and you'd figure out the tune.
Now, you can just google
anything in a second.
Think about what that
does to the human brain.
Makes everything so easy.
We just shrivel up into
these fucking morons.
- Would you shut
the fuck up, please?
- When you're in a
bad mood, you just
make it everybody's
problem, don't you?
When did every Asian
get good at dancing?
Have you noticed that?
(Lonnie laughing)
Every fucking Asian
can dance now.
When did that happen?
You look on the
dance floor at this
breakin' ass,
bad-driving motherfucker
just getting nasty
out there, right?
- Are you almost done with that?
- If I'd shut my mouth
for a second, yeah.
(gamers chattering)
- [Soldier] Kill confirmed.
Kill confirmed.
Nice work, Ghosts, we held on.
(dramatic orchestral music)
- I think I'm gonna go.
- [Lonnie] Wait, what?
- I'm just really tired.
- Okay, you can crash
here if you want.
- [Monica] No,
I'm gonna go home.
- Ugh, okay.
Will you do me a favor?
Will you text me
when you get home
and let me know that
you got home okay?
- I won't remember.
- All right, fuck it.
- [Monica] I'm going.
- [Lonnie] Yep.
(traffic roaring)
- [Actor] All right,
yeah, it's definitely.
- Stop staring at me, weirdo.
- I can't help it.
- Well, try.
You're like a creep.
- [Chuck] Revolution,
best thing ever made.
- You watched it?
- So good.
I watched the first
three episodes,
fell asleep halfway
through the fourth.
It's incredible.
Do you understand that?
- (chuckles) It's the
best thing made by people
in the history of everything
ever made by anyone.
- Let's just put it on the list.
- [Lonnie] What is this?
- It's a TV show
she told me about.
- TV show?
- [Chuck] Yeah, it's so good.
- What, why, why?
- You know how War of the
Worlds starts out really awesome
with the electricity going
out and then it just sucks?
- [Lonnie] No.
- Then never mind.
- Okay, ready for work?
- Bye, Monica.
- Bye, Lonnie.
(mellow piano music)
- [Chuck] That was for you.
- [Man] I was trying to
keep the game interesting.
- [Chuck] Everything all right?
- It ain't happening.
- [Chuck] What ain't happening?
- Come on, man.
You know what ain't happening.
- [Chuck] Looked good from here.
- Fuck it, though, right?
- Fuck it.
- Fuck it.
- [Jenny] Is
everything all right?
- She ain't comin'.
- [Jenny] Oh, you know what?
Fuck her.
I'm sorry, Lonnie.
- That's cool.
(mellow piano music)
Phil, let me get
another one of these.
Hold the ice or else I'll
just kill myself, you know.
Hey, jaywalkers!
Hey, you motherfucker, you
best be crossing at the light!
You're gonna get fucked up!
No, you do it here!
You fuck 'em up.
You don't see the sign, man?
What good is it for
you to pay the taxes
on a sign, and you're
not gonna use it?
(car honks)
Oh, shit!
Fuck this sign!
Fuck this sign.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, come on.
- [Lonnie] What
do you mean, whoa?
- [Phil] Whoa, whoa, come on.
Don't be an asshole.
(Lonnie groaning)
(bag crinkling)
- Nice job, asshole,
fucking moron.
(keys clinking)
Oh, shit.
- [Bartender] Rough
night, Lonnie?
- Shit, I didn't
even drive here.
I'm failing to see the point
in getting up in the morning.
- [Father] Go on.
- What I do most days seems
pointless because
what's it supporting?
Most days I'm too...
I used to look forward to
seeing this girl I liked, right?
You know what?
No.
There was this guy that I knew
from like a lifetime ago, right?
He killed himself.
He offed himself
on New Year's Eve.
Not only was...
Not only did I not really care,
but I really wasn't surprised,
and it made sense to me.
- [Father] Him killing himself
or killing oneself in general?
- Killing oneself in general.
- [Father] You have any idea
why he'd do such a thing?
- Oh yeah, 'cause
he was way too drunk
and way too lonely, and
I know that feeling.
- [Father] You were
about to mention a girl?
- Yeah, I was kind
of seeing this
girl that I'm
really crazy about.
But, I don't think
anything's gonna happen.
No, you know what?
Nothing is gonna happen.
She doesn't feel the way I
feel, and just saying it hurts.
- Go on.
- Really, that's it.
Before I could look forward
to seeing her at least,
even if she just
came over and slept,
which she did do
a couple of times.
It was just nice having
somebody there with me.
I mean, what am I supposed
to do now, get a fucking cat?
Sorry.
- Some sense of community,
no matter how small,
is what makes life worth living.
You ever consider volunteering
here at the church?
- Oh, that sounds awful.
- [Father] Why?
- I don't know.
I don't know why I
said that either.
I sound like an asshole, shit!
All right, I'm
just gonna shut up.
- Taking the Lord's name in vain
is the only cursing
that I'm aware of,
and you did sound
like an asshole.
(Lonnie laughs)
But you see why I suggest
living your life not just with
but for someone is what
makes life worth living,
worth getting out of
bed in the morning,
someone looking forward to
seeing you and you them.
I assume you don't
attend mass regularly?
- [Lonnie] No, I do not.
- Mm-hm, and a little problem
with the cigarettes and booze?
- [Lonnie] Yeah,
how'd you know that?
- I can smell it.
- [Lonnie] Oh, right, dumb.
- Is it a problem?
- I'm aware of what I do.
I'm trying to make
healthier habits.
- [Father] That's
why I ask about mass.
Any particular reason?
- Yeah, the girl was
kind of a health nut--
- [Father] Any particular reason
you don't attend
a weekly service?
- Oh, I don't know.
After my Mom died,
my sister and I
kept going out of respect
or something, but my Dad,
he just wasn't that into it,
so it kind of petered off.
But, I hear what
you're saying, Father.
It's just I feel like
an idiot, you know?
- Wanting to live your life with
someone feels great, doesn't it?
- [Lonnie] Yeah.
- Yeah, but who that
someone is is not up to you.
You think it's this girl.
Guess it's not.
Just relax.
Look around.
Pay attention.
Take the opportunities when they
present themselves,
and they will.
- I feel like I should shake
your hand or something.
Should I come out there?
- [Father] Nah, we're good.
- Well, now I feel awkward.
So what about like
one of these up here?
You got that?
- [Father] Are we fist-bumping?
- I think we are.
Come on.
Give me a little
something, Father.
- Got it.
- Got it, thanks.
Thanks for talking with me.
- It's my pleasure.
What else am I gonna do in here?
- I don't know.
You could be playing
Angry Birds or something.
- [Father] Yes, I could be.
- I'm Lonnie, by the way.
- [Father] Nice to
meet you, Lonnie.
- Yeah, it's nice to meet
you, too, Father, um.
- [Father] Tony.
- [Lonnie] Huh,
Father Tony, seems
like a weird name for a priest.
- Does it?
- [Lonnie] No, and I don't
know why I said that, either.
- It's a first.
- [Lonnie] I'm just trying
to keep you on your toes.
- You take care of
yourself, Lonnie.
- I will.
Thanks again, Father.
- [Father] I haven't
done anything, Lonnie.
- [Cal] Hey, hey,
how's everybody?
- [Aunt Lil] How are you?
- Hey, hi, guys.
- Hi!
- Hi, how are you?
- Hey, what's happening?
- [Ernie] Hey,
what's up, calzone?
- Hey, hey, I heard that.
(people socializing)
- [Ernie] Got any coffee?
They don't have any good stuff.
- Hi!
- Good to see ya.
- Good seeing you!
- What's going on, bud?
- Hi, Ernie.
- Hey, how you doing?
Hey, how come we don't see
that Brian guy anymore?
- 'Cause we broke up
like three months ago.
- Oh, well, I guess
that would explain it.
- You should listen
when people talk to you.
- I've been hearing about
how good it is all the time.
- This is Brock's first
ever Freddie's Pizza.
- [Lonnie] What, you've
never taken him there before?
- [Jock] Never got around to it.
- You got the giardin?
- What's up, man?
I'm Lonnie, nice to meet you.
- You too.
What did you say,
you got the what?
- Giardin.
- I was gonna bust your balls--
- You never had giardin?
- You know what it is?
You're too tall.
I can't bust your balls.
You're too tall to tease.
Wait, you've never
had giardin before?
What, are you from Florida?
That's weird.
- He just doesn't get out much.
- [Brock] Yeah, I
was born in Michigan.
Does that answer any questions?
- No.
- [Jock] Go ahead.
- All right.
- Go ahead.
- Go, try it.
- Straight in?
- Yep.
- Yeah.
- Huh?
- It's amazing.
I love it!
- Hey!
- Hey, I'll get you a jar.
I'll give you this jar.
- [Cousin] She looks dirty.
- She looks dirty.
- She's a ginger.
(all laughing)
I like that.
That's nice.
- [Cal] You know,
Connie Chung in her day?
- Yeah, she's no Linda Yu.
(all laughing)
She's no Connie Chung.
- Yeah, I was gonna
say, Connie Chung.
(people socializing)
- Same stories over
and over again.
- [Aunt Lil] Lil needs
a change of pants.
It's gotten to that
point of the night.
- (chuckles) I've told
you like 15 times.
- [Lonnie] Wait, I thought
you were kidding, though.
- No, I kept telling you.
- Wait, you're seriously a
fucking private investigator?
- Yeah.
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
- [Lonnie] Is your
name on your door?
- I mean, the company
name is on the door.
There's a couple of
us that work there.
- [Lonnie] You carry a gun?
- I have once.
- Mm-hmm, have
you ever showed up
to a crime scene, and a cop's
been like, "Beat it, Brock!
"This crime scene's
for real cops!"
- (laughs) You don't
have to answer that
because that
question is retarded.
(laughs) I'm so sorry.
- What, no, that's not.
- I apologize for him.
- But doesn't that happen?
No, I'm very sorry to
overload you with questions.
I'm very sorry.
- It's fine.
I mean, it's a lot of
surveillance, you know.
You're serving people.
- You serve people papers,
so you go up to someone,
and you say, "Oh,
hey, you're so and so.
"Well, guess what?
"You've been served."
(Jock laughs)
What?
- Some iteration of that.
- Okay, like what?
- You're an idiot.
- Okay, so the other
day I pull up to this,
you know, I mean, I pull
up to this guy's place,
like 600-pound black guy
and 10 of his best friends
sitting on the
stoop, bullshitting.
- How did you know it wasn't
just like a basketball game?
- You know, in that case,
I call back to the office.
There's absolutely no way.
- What if that was us?
What if that was me and you?
(Joe laughs)
Hey, what's so, really, Dad?
What's so funny?
I know I look like a pussy.
I know I look like a pussy,
but I'm strong as shit.
I can totally prove it.
- [Jock] You're
a pussy. (laughs)
- [Joe] Mouth!
- I'm being straight, though.
What if one day I
tagged along with you?
Could we do that?
- [Jock] Don't encourage him.
I mean, you don't
have to do that.
- No, I want to go!
I want to go.
- It'll be fine with me.
It would be fine with me.
- Can I come with you?
- Absolutely.
- For real.
- [Brock] Are you serious?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
- All right, I
don't see why not.
- For real?
- For real.
If you're serious,
I'm serious, buddy.
- I'm serious.
- Let's do it.
- That's awesome, thank you.
- [Brock] If you really,
yeah, if you really want to.
- I do really want to.
This guy's welcome any
time into my house.
He comes into my house,
he's welcome here.
(men laughing)
- [Ernie] I don't know
any of their names,
but they do the news in bikinis.
(people socializing)
- [Ernie] How do you know
they're doing the news?
- [Cal] I don't know
what they're doing.
- [Ernie] I don't speak
the language, but I'm like,
transfixed, absolutely
transfixed by it.
(mellow piano music)
- [Director] Should have gone
a little longer just then.
(mellow piano music)