Blubberella (2011) Movie Script
What year is it?
BLUBBERELLA. Half human,
half vampire. Mostly doughy.
Where am I?
Germany, 1940. A Jewish part of town.
Hi, everyone. I'm Blubberella,
and I'm a superhero.
Apparently I am. If you're sitting
close to the TV, you're in my splash zone.
I've been a superhero for 800 years.
In school they said I'd end up marrying
a Black man.
This is my favorite room.
I'm a bit of a meat lover.
Don't judge me.
Imagine if you got teased for being half
vampire and couldn't get a seat-
- in cars or on airplanes.
Once I got stuck on a Ferris wheel
for eight hours, but it left no scars.
My friend Freud says I substitute
food for sex, but he raped me-
- so that theory fell flat.
Breakfast.
That gets me going in the morning.
I haven't given up hope
that there's someone out there for me.
I've been on a Hebrew hookup app and
talked to some hot guys.
But he never showed up. I don't get it,
I told him I converted.
No, no... Look.
Email. Hope it's good news.
Joshua, single and ready to mingle.
Come out of the closet.
Shall we have a picnic in the Alps?
My eggs.
Time to kill some Nazis.
Chapter one. Blubberella's hobbies.
1. Walks on the beach.
2. Killing Nazis.
- That's enough. Give me the sandwich!
- Never. Try another Nazi.
- Do you want to look like that?
- Just try it.
Taste it.
Delicious. My pulse went down.
It works. Good night.
Why isn't the cake going?
Where's the ferret?
Tuning?
Hit!
It hurt me more.
Fire's out!
The doctor, brother?
There's no place like Berlin.
What the hell! I need my Luger!
- There's no place like Berlin.
- Hold still.
COMMANDANMajor Skithog
- You're not allowed to play with my food.
- Are you going to a fashion show for the blind?
- Fun, right?
- No, Germans have no sense of humor.
Germans are so boring.
Who do I have the honor of meeting?
I'm a dhampir.
Half human, half vampire.
Good heavens!
Time to end this.
Jeez, liebfraumilch.
- Let go. Don't bite.
- I'm coming.
Goodbye.
VADGE
Or whatever the ficus is called in German.
- What are you looking at?
- I'm checking if there's more of you.
- What? Exactly. Who are you?
- Vagisil!
Hello, it's Vadge.
Learn to speak properly.
You couldn't miss you
at the resistance meetings.
- I'm the one bringing the cookies.
- Oh, cookies.
NATHANIEL. The resistance movement's
unrivaled leader, except to sharks.
Nathaniel. You've already
met my partner.
I've never seen anyone move
like a hungry nosh horn.
- Pilates.
- Maybe you're not just a girl.
- What the hell do you mean by that?
- You're the dhampir, right?
- She moves like a watermelon.
- I'd like to talk to you.
If your men stop waving
their phallic symbols in my face...
...then you're welcome to buy me dinner.
- And the commandant?
- Just an appetizer.
Did you save anything? I'm starving.
You've had your fun.
We need to unload the weapons-
- and more courses are coming soon.
I'll take care of it.
Done.
- Lift with your hips.
- It's really heavy!
They're just humans.
This is not what I was told to expect.
Is there a Joshua in there?
Or a Maurie?
Robert or Stephen with a ph?
Someone named Goldman?
- You've apparently seen this before.
- Every weekend they fly east from me.
- They need our help. Stop crying!
- Of course we're crying, we're in a cattle car.
It's about humanity.
About saving lives.
I get that they got you.
That hat is awful.
Give us more bread.
Are you going to help us
get them out into the woods?
I've already
done ten minutes on the treadmill today...
- Please, let us out.
- Fine, then I won't have to work out tomorrow.
- It wouldn't have happened anyway.
- Let's go.
There are so many of them.
Maybe we should just...
- They have pig faces.
- What do you mean?
- She's pretty hot, but her face...
- Do you have butter?
Yeah...
- Let us out!
- Read it.
- Now they'll never get out.
- We'll be right back.
A soldier by a tree took a permanent
lunch break, and we thought it was you.
I've never missed a target.
The sword through the tree...
Is that your vampire ability?
- No, it's the mermaid in me.
- I thought you were the steam vampire?
- I thought you were the steam vampire.
- I'm serious.
- Stop mocking me.
- Stop mocking me.
- We really appreciate your help.
- I'd have happily done without her.
- Calm down, I think...
- Shut up!
Not to sound ungrateful... Why not
hunt bigger fish in Berlin?
- Sluts with horrible little mustaches.
- She only thinks about food.
- I don't follow the news.
- But you seem to be eating it up.
Are there any problems in Berlin?
We all have our problems.
Some more secret than others.
Intimate, and sexual too.
That guy would
rape me if he got the chance.
He's a good friend I trust, and
he would never hit on a monster.
- Hey, would you sell my kidneys?
- I'd take them right through the cunt.
- I've seen this happen before.
- Shut up!
Shut up.
Chapter two. How to create a vampire.
For idiots.
I've never seen that before.
LIEUTENANThe commandant's bitch.
- Who else has been on the train?
- Nobody.
You have to stay alert, soldier.
Can you do that?
- Can you follow orders and stay sharp?
- I don't know. What do you think?
- I need two strong men.
- Muscle power.
Maybe a third
to get me out of here.
Don't tell anyone.
It's a little embarrassing.
- I'll be right back.
- I hope so.
Otherwise it's Russia.
Hell.
I shouldn't have enlisted.
Hi! Cute.
It wouldn't even fit
your wrist, fatso. Stick!
Hi. Pathetic.
Let me soften something up.
We don't have the right tools.
Wow, impressive.
- Thanks. Check out my mixer.
- No, that's not necessary.
I'm sorry,
but that's all the food we have.
Please. Right, we'll take this one.
- How many chains do you think?
- As many as needed.
I heard they've emptied some ghettos.
- So that's where my 234 dates went?
- You're so lonely.
Do you think your men and the faggots know?
- Vagisil, are you gay?
- No.
Really? Gay? There you go.
I can't stop thinking
about the people on the train.
- Why?
- There wasn't even a dining car.
We do what we can,
the rest we have to let go.
- I've never wanted to let go.
- It's as salty as ball sweat.
Some things... not yet!
- What are you doing?
- Hello? Not now, Mom.
Yes, he's cute.
No, I'm not going to talk baby talk!
- The sauce is so hot.
- Are you going to eat it?
Stop! Sit, shame! We have guests.
Okay, then we'll eat.
- One more time.
- Your camp stinks.
- I assume you got my message.
- The doctor is in his laboratory.
THE DOCTOR. Patient list:
M. Jackson: C. Haim: L. Lohan.
The doctor?
- Good God, what are you doing?
- Did you say God?
I certainly hope not.
There are plenty of undemanding gods.
- I'll be thinking of Elvis.
- That's not Elvis, it's a vampire.
Absolutely. Our night patrol found
him to the west a couple of nights ago.
It was probably a film critic,
but they're so rarely out.
I've never met a film critic.
That's why you're still alive.
This creature-
- can no longer relate
to human morality.
That's why you should
never trust a vampire.
- Do you have to cut into him in my presence?
- Boy George didn't complain.
I'm only testing its endurance.
Let me tell you something, Lieutenant.
It's a very durable creature.
Outside. Now.
I lack authority, but I
won't stay silent while you're killing-
- that Elvis impersonator
in your crazy experiment.
The fascinating thing is that
they're very hard to kill.
It only works with stakes, fire,
holy water, or Rocky sequels.
Vampires are available forever.
It's a wonder of science.
And I'm onto something big.
- How big?
- I could probably make Hitler immortal.
Great...
Something's happened. Pack your bag.
We're going to Disneyland in 20 minutes.
No, I have to file my taxes. Damn it.
- My dear boy, what have you found?
- 20 minutes.
Suitcase?
Fore!
Who do you think you are? You're not
special just because you're a dhampir.
You're just a mediocre dhampir.
Precious! Are you listening?
Your name isn't Precious, you dhampir brat!
- What did you say?
- Yes, Mom.
- When will the blood be ready?
- When I'm ready.
Excuse me?
- When I'm ready, I said.
- Apparently Precious can talk.
Do you think you're special because
you had a child? That you're grown up?
You're just a kid who sleeps with
any werewolf, you idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What did you say?
- Nothing, Mom.
- Put a bag under it. It needs to drip.
Yes, Mom...
Who's going to clean that up?
That's my new linoleum floor.
- Are you going to leave it like that?
- I'll fix it, Mom.
- I'll fix it when I feel like it.
- When you feel like it?
Is this your house? Are you an adult
just because you got a stupid vampire kid?
Just because every vampire has
sunk their teeth into you? You're a nobody!
Do you hear what I'm saying, bitch?
Guess I didn't hit hard enough.
How about a little snack, bitch?
Come back!
Did you really think you could fix it?
The blood's gone, you stupid bitch.
- You're stupid, Mom.
- What did you say? I'll fix you!
Hold still, bitch! Down, bitch.
- The mouse is dead, but I'm strong.
- You? Strong?
I'm terror itself, Mom.
Does that change anything?
Respect.
I need something to eat.
Chapter three.
Titty Titty Fang Bang.
Right. Now we wait.
I need to find out
how he's still alive.
- Maybe he's Mickey Rourke's doctor.
- Yeah, he's a vampire, after all.
Then you know that what's badly injured
will eventually heal. Before that happens-
- you have to lock it up and cut out the
bullets and the head. Cut off everything.
- Don't overdo it.
- He's a vampire, Lieutenant.
Nosferatu, Dracula,
Blade, Blade 2, Dark Shadows.
Dark Shadows is maybe a TV series.
He's infected.
The sooner you get rid of your friend,
the safer it is for all of you.
I came here because you found something
extraordinary. That's just crap.
- The train robbery happened at noon.
- Noon? My dear Pippa.
My ladies.
Call the bitch!
I love this game!
Okay, I need a volunteer.
It smells like sweat and cheese in here.
Did the woman who killed your
stupid men move like a vampire?
She was apparently like a slow
whirlwind. A giant broad.
- A giantess?
- Very big.
I like big. Can't you see it all fits together?
If this fat vampire attacked our commandant, he has the same qualities.
He'd even have a shot in a hot dog-eating contest now.
- Would that work?
- I've got no idea what works.
I'm going in.
Time to wake up. Commandant?
Come and get it.
Stop! Stop!
- What do you want?
- You have to stop smoking crack.
Caffeine, too much caffeine.
- Turn around.
- My meat.
Almost done. I know you've got an S&M ball here.
I'm going to shove it up your snout! Somebody's vagina should be split.
I've had a good time for the first time in ages. What's your problem, slut?
Pick on someone your own size. Someone closer to your size, at least.
- Get out of here.
- Can't you get it up?
- I'll take that as a yes.
- You dirty slut.
Come on!
Come back.
Turn around and cough.
I feel a lump.
You shouldn't work as a stripper.
Then you'd find a sugar daddy more easily.
- I went to adult education.
- Unfortunately, that doesn't count.
Goodbye.
Okay, so what happens now? A soothing face mask?
- Locked entrance. We're closed today.
- The Germans understand something has happened.
Do you have sperm in your ear?
You aggressive creature.
Don't cause me any trouble.
What's going on down there is probably
more problematic. Look into it.
That's enough! Roosevelt doesn't move
much, he's in a wheelchair.
He's a cripple, like me. You should help me heal-
- but you haven't done anything!
I can only do what I've learned,
and I missed that lesson that day.
You missed the lesson?
The butchery lesson? Look at me.
Look. I can make a rabbit.
I'm serious!
Figure out how to solve it.
This is no joke. Absolutely unbelievable.
Someone's clearly in a bad mood. We need to make a decision.
Heads and we keep following the same lead. Tails means Let's Dance in Hollywood.
Hollywood! Hollywood!
- We have a gift for you.
- I've had enough already. Thanks anyway.
- It's on the house.
- Okay.
I don't have any money, ladies.
Do you speak English?
Just take it easy.
You found a bump. And another one.
SLUTLANA.
Whore. Ask about our group discount.
Excuse me.
Is that what they call the German rear end?
I might need them later. Thanks.
- What is it? I was sitting on the toilet.
- The whore from the brothel.
- I didn't order anyone.
- Information is for the commandant only.
What do you want in return?
Just no new boobs, anyway.
- Come on. Do you play sexual Twister?
- Every day.
Good.
You've been through
a metamorphosis lately.
Some kind of transformation phase.
How can I help you?
I have news about the woman you're looking for.
She tore free from a soldier's bullets.
A soldier's?
Do you know where I can find her?
- Still at the brothel, mein Kommandant.
- Good news.
- They look so young, my dear.
- She looks really cute.
- And you smell so good.
- She smells really good.
When I touch you, I can feel
the blood racing faster and faster.
There's one more thing you can
do for me, my dear. One more thing.
- Too much slapstick.
- One more.
Now for the afterparty.
This is so embarrassing.
I can't... wait.
I forgot I had these.
Come on, you bastards!
Thanks, they came in handy.
See you!
Chapter four.
VJVK. Vampires I want to fuck.
- We've got her right where we want her.
- Yes, at the brothel.
- Mom, it's me, Sonny boy.
- I've always eaten messily.
- This wicked half-blood!
- Is that Hitler?
- She slipped away from us.\N- No, the Fhrer went into the pub.
We'll get his autograph.
Act like a human being.
I need some weapons.
- What have you done now?\N- Turned the commandant into a vampire.
- Hey. Do we have any dynamite?\N- Not for you, you whore.
- You're going to get killed.\N- Throwing knives?
- Throwing forks? I'm out of those.\N- Just a dirty cocaine spoon.
You can't just rush into\Na wasps' nest without protection.
They attacked the brothel this morning to\Nfind me. I'm going to take revenge on him.
- Not without a plan!\N- You can't risk your lives.
- I'll do it myself.\N- We need to find out their plan first.
He's not just a vampire.\NHe has a terrible German accent too.
Despite my inability to carry a scene,\Nbut with a little luck...
...we have to cooperate.\N- I'm not dying for the balloon.
We have spies watching them right now.
It's getting completely crazy.
This doesn't feel right.\NI'll take a box. Good.
Be careful what you wish for,\Nbecause it doesn't always turn out well.
- Good.\N- Good.
Shove your cock in her mouth\Nso she shuts up.
That could be nice.
- You can let go of my purse now.\N- That fast?
I'll take another one. Or two, actually.
The next scene is really boring. That's why\Nwe're playing Jessica De Rooij's music-
- from Uwe Boll's films. Enjoy.
What's that?
The commandant drank your blood\Han hour ago, gypsy girl.
- What an incredible healing ability.\N- It feels different.
Imagine how strong you'd feel\Nif you became immune to this.
Just a small sample.
You've inherited his immunity,\Nbut only a little bit.
If you were an ordinary vampire,\Nthe holy water would have crushed your hand.
But imagine if the holy water had\Nno effect at all. Fire and wooden stakes too.
Think of the possibilities.\NYour blood made the commandant heal.
A necessary exchange.\NWe must all sacrifice ourselves for the Fhrer.
Times are changing, gypsy girl. Yesterday I didn't believe in vampires.
A dubious scientific crossbreed, but today the world is our oyster.
Change is inevitable. Evolution is inevitable.
The Fatherland is inevitable.
Mein Fhrer, who will marry Roosevelt once the Jews are defeated?
Roosevelt is a giant with glasses and a cigarette holder. Almost German.
Who's your favorite general? Rommel, with his tanks.
But Gring has planes that fly so high up in the air.
Doctor, what are you doing right now?
Stupid Slutlana. Schweinhund.
The doctor? The doctor?
I can see that for myself, Doctor.
- It's the devil in me.
- Your transformation fascinates me.
I've studied it, but I can't understand it.
It may not be science, but something greater.
Science is everything.
Am I still your favorite specimen?
You're definitely the most forbidden. You've lost your human character.
Your deadly spiral, as Shakespeare called it.
- He sounds clever.
- You've evolved and gone back.
You confuse me. I like it.
On the other hand, you've submitted to your deadly instincts.
Such as?
Hunger, thirst, a craving for blood and sexual desire.
But you've been observing my new life for free.
- Are you a gambler, Doctor?
- It seems so.
I know you haven't seen what I'm capable of, Doctor.
Don't do anything stupid.
- She became aggressive.
- Yes, it seems so.
Calm down and meet me up there.
I'm coming.
What's happening, A-D-O-L-H?
- You're here, right? If you hadn't started...
- Do they all have them?
- You're sitting.
- If you hadn't started to hurry...
...we would already have been here, and Rommel could have come up from the south.
Is all this because of my dates? Sorry, but a girl has to get laid.
That's the main objective.
- Mein Fhrer.\N- What are you doing here?
- I brought your things.\N- Is that an overnight bag?
- How was it in Africa?\N- I got shot.
What do you know about getting shot?
- Pardon?\N- I've been shot eighteen times.
- I said I've been shot eighteen times.\N- Are you saying I'm lying?
- Are you calling me a liar?\N- No, but one time is nothing.
- That's all I'm saying. Eighteen times.\N- Calm down, Stauffenberger.
Our new allies from Africa.
Six!
I move in and take control of Africa.\NA six means another roll.
- It doesn't count outside the plan.\N- It doesn't matter, it's flat.
Five. A bit further down in the Congo.
- Why do you always mess with the Congo?\N- Stauffi.
- You should stay a while longer.\N- Shall I call Rommel for you?
- A six.\N- You rolled twice.
That's how I play, you bastard.\NI fight every day.
- I should go.\N- Wait, it's your turn.
- I'm taking back my colony.\N- You're so far into India, that sucks.
Look. That means...
I won!
What the hell...\NWhy do you have to ruin everything?
It was a bad first date,\Nbut we still had sex, so it was good.
We can put you in here.
A new email.
- We don't need any sentimental machines.\N- Everything is right here in front of you.
You can rule the world.\NLet me give you some friendly advice.
You should drop the ethnic\Ncleansing. People think it sucks.
- Sure, you decide...\N- It's fine.
I know how lonely it can be.\NIt gets lonelier the more you kill.
You have to examine yourself.\NWho is Adolf, really?
Ask yourself: who am I?
- Do I like having fun? Partying?\N- No.
Or do I like genocide?
- Like what?\N- Genocide. Should people remember you for that?
It's calm, but whatever you want to do, I'm here for you.
- Yes?
- It's cold out here.
- Shouldn't I invite you in?
- It doesn't work that way, Lieutenant.
I hope I'm not in the way.
- Would you like a drink?
- No schnapps.
Okay... strange.
What can I help you with, Mein Kommandant?
- Come closer. Come on.
- Are you serious?
Lieutenant, you know I'm a vampire.
- And you could become a vampire too.
- Yes, but I don't want to.
You won't know until you've tried it.
- What have you done?
- Just wait, it gets better.
I'm already feeling better. As if I could uproot trees.
- As if I could fly.
- Yes, but now we're waiting for the professor.
Isn't he a doctor?
Who are you? I'll strangle you!
Tell me who you are!
- Eagle's nest! Eagle's nest!
- Password.
- That could have gone badly.
- Yes.
I didn't know it was you.
- So this is where you live? How lovely.
- I'll give you a guided tour.
You're so sexy. Come in, Doctor.
- Is it ready?
- A rare specimen, Doctor.
- I prefer a less rare one.
- You always have to think about trichinosis.
The little mask. I got it once
and had diarrhea for two weeks.
My uniform smelled terrible.
- Did you use a little bleach?
- Yes, but the stains won't come out.
- Time for the secret ritual.
- Yes, it's time.
Come here, little piggy.
Nom, nom, nom...
Nice. Very tidy.
I killed the owner, so, well...
- Who is it?
- It's Vagisil.
Did you invite him to our date? I don't
drag guys along on a first date.
Maybe, if it goes really well and you buy
dinner. I'm rearranging the furniture a bit.
No, they're cutting themselves. Back in a moment. I'll
fix a drink or a piece of meat.
Excellent.
- So you know Hitler?
- Absolutely.
That's... strange, to say the least.
Stop there.
Make sure you don't get killed.
I brought snacks!
- No, it's Grandma's.
- It's incredibly ugly.
- I want to tell you about my dream.
- Hitler.
They always come true. I often dream
that I'm dancing like Beyonc.
Do you know why dreams always come true?
No, I don't either.
Hitler is going to take over the world
with a vampire army.
- That's crazy.
- I'm kind of stoned right now...
...so it seems.
Even an ordinary person who transforms
becomes a deadly biting machine.
Are you feeding him?
I mean, how nice...
You can have one too.
You missed.
- She has a problem.
- She got her protein dose anyway.
- She's probably going to throw up again.
- She's probably cutting herself.
- I heard you!
- We're not your friends, we're colleagues.
- What a dump.
- I think it's charming.
- You're wrong. I'm gay and I know these things.
- Clubs?
- Okay, so we're friends again then.
- Thanks.
Go to hell.
- Go to hell!
- I said it first.
Can we talk about that Hitler guy?
Does he have a last name?
- I think it's Hitler.
- Like Chow.
- How are we going to kill him?
- That's the next scene.
What is it, girl?
Did Tim get stuck in the well?
She probably needs to pee.
Get it! Find it!
Chapter eight.
The intervention.
Come in.
Lieutenant. Good to see you.
I forgot
to close the sunroof on the car.
We just want to talk to you.
Okay, I'm listening. But only
if I get to eat one of you afterward.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
We'll pick one for you.
- Vadge, can you read your letter.
- Sure.
Dear Lieutenant. How's the leg?
How are you? I'm doing well.
If you don't accept our offer,
we'll probably kill you.
That doesn't mean we don't want
you to get the help you need.
Yours truly, Vadge :)
- What help? I'm doing fine.
- What denial.
No, no, no...
- You're a monster!
- Easy, Vadge.
Read your letter, Nathaniel.
Dear Lieutenant. Your addiction has
affected me negatively in the following ways.
You've killed the people I love,
including resistance man 1, 3...
... 5, 7, 11, 12...
... 14, 15, 20 through 35...
No numerical order. Number 27
excluded, since he died a natural death.
You've also tried to kill me.
- And you want to suck my blood!
- That's enough!
- Use your words, not your fists.
- It's okay, it's his request.
He wanted me to find you all,
and I'm glad I did!
One more time. Calm down! We need him
in at least two or three pieces.
No wonder you got transformed.
- What? What?
- He bit me.
- Vadge?
- I haven't sucked your dick.
- Commandant, you idiots!
- But he has trains full of people.
I'm the tracker.
I found you on JewishDating. Come.
- You bastard!
- Now we fight. Come on!
Then they know everything about us. Names of our
agents, the Allied positions...
...hiding places, your real age.
- You bastard!
He intends to use our information
to find a safe route to Berlin.
- That sucks.
- We need the map, he has to talk!
Use my body as a map.
This is Germany, France-
- and this is Switzerland, neutral.
Point here.
- Where is your commandant?
- Here.
At the factory?
Get lost!
Okay, is there anything else you want
to tell us? Then it's time to point.
No. Well, actually.
- No...
- Okay.
- Get started.
- I can't do it.
Rosebud...
Don't get it dirty,
it took a week to make it.
Good.
They've messed it up!
I cleaned for a whole day!
I don't know what you said, but
I was probably a bad shot.
- You whore!
- What?
- You're giving me heartburn.
- You're giving me an erection.
- I love you!
- What?
- Come on, there are men all over here.
- Which of you loves me most?
- We should gather the troops.
- Yes.
Who looks best in the wedding photo?
This one or this one?
This isn't Cougar Town,
calm down. Listen!
- Is anyone allergic to cocoa butter?
- He's dead.
Hey, get out of here!
What's that there? I'll stir it.
Come on, you're soldiers! Put out
the fire! Do you know how to use the hose?
- Right.
- Do you like sensual massage?
Thick feathers?
Is this uncomfortable? Would it be okay
if there wasn't a child in there?
I'll take this one.
What does this look like?
Do you know how many cows die for that
rock? Get him to the floor.
Put it down. Why do you have bullets
when there are no weapons?
- Why can the bow do more than you?
- Do you know how to be a bow?
Build a time machine so I can go
back and kill Hitler's mother.
- Smart.
- I know. We really should do that.
- Do you know where Hitler lives?
- History is ours.
Revenge!
- Sieg!
- Valkyries!
- What is she doing?
- Calm down, we're not allowed to socialize otherwise.
- She never takes this long.
- What do you mean? She's a hippo.
We were supposed to wait for a signal.
She was supposed to whistle.
Then we wait for her signal
and enjoy the garden as long as we can.
Do you hear something?
This is idiotic.
- Can someone buy me a Frostie?
- I'm dizzy with hunger.
- I just want to finish this.
- What do they make in the factory? Nasties?
Maybe she forgot about the signal.
Stop, you've got something on your backs.
It looks like a spider.
- She was going to kill two nasties.
- Maybe there are more.
What if she decides to kill us? She's angry because we're waiting here.
The whistle signal!
- Did you kill them?
- Yes!
- We've been waiting here for two hours.
- They're dead, you can come out!
I killed them myself.
Can someone help him?
You can do it.
Did you see how I solved it?
I deserve a cake.
We have to get into the factory.
- There's nothing here.
- Watch my boots.
This way.
Did you find anything?
- Where is everyone?
- We're hiding here.
- What are you wearing?
- German clothes. We were supposed to blend in.
Who's the girl?
Nathaniel woke up hungover,
so I gave him a White Russian.
- This doesn't add up.
- Yeah, why guard an empty factory?
Did we walk into a trap? Shit!
- This way!
- I love this.
- Help me!
- Okay.
What am I supposed to do with it?
- There's no blood in it.
- Preservatives.
- Excellent.
- Can we get some light?
We don't have any black ones in the film, so the whore dies first. Get away from the light!
I'm trying! They're burning up!
Die!
- You killed them all so fast!
- Professor, the steam hyena.
- She's hard to miss.
- She's a unique creature.
- Imagine the suffocating loneliness.
- You make me sound handicapped.
- It'll be hard to breed her.
- I've done sick things for you...
...but that's where the line is.
- I could speed date. Do you?
Grab her. I'll take the buddy.
- See anything you like?
- What do you want, you freak?
I'm taking you to Berlin.
You might even make the papers.
The leader of
the beast rights movement hanged.
But don't worry. We know where all
your friends are hiding in the woods.
- I was asleep.
- You're not going to Berlin for a lap dance.
Strippers? Where are you going?
You regret this, don't you?
You'll never fix it. Put some effort into it.
- You're an incredible specimen.
- Thanks.
But you know what?
You drink way too many milkshakes.
- I've heard that.
- I'm about to fill the Werfuhrer...
...with your blood.
Then we'll see what happens.
I know, a fat dwarf.
- You can't mess with my work!
- Why so serious?
I'm still delivering.
One more.
- That didn't hurt at all.
- Now it's going to.
- Come on, buy me dinner first!
- Jeez. Bad for my cholesterol.
Doctor,
prepare this woman for a journey!
Time to meet Hitler.
Who wants to rescue our friends
and kill the Nazis?
The scripture says
we have to save them, okay?
I know you don't want to. You're dirty
and just want to take a shower... with me.
No?
Russian girl, come here.
- Hey, boys.
- Who wants to come along?
Chapter ten.
Highway to Hitler.
- What crazy weather.
- Yeah, but it's nice in here.
It's not a bad prisoner transport.
It's definitely cozy.
- Are you seeing anyone?
- Not right now.
- Neither am I.
- I haven't met the... right one.
- It's hot in here.
- Yeah, it's starting to get pretty steamy.
- I'm just going to take off my coat.
- Yeah...
- I'm burning up.
- I'm starting to sweat.
- I probably didn't use deodorant this morning.
- I just need to scratch a little.
- But...
- Your fly is open.
Oh my God...
In with it. Sit on it.
Can you feel it? Damn it!
No worries, we can try again.
It's okay.
- It's the first time.
- Doesn't matter. It happens to some people.
- Not in two months.
- I know. I'll get a napkin.
- It was still nice.
- I'm glad we did it.
You almost came, right?
It seemed good for you.
- You're right.
- I know what to do next time.
- Nobody likes cuddling anymore.
- That's the most important thing.
I'm glad you think so.
What the...
Did it go well?
Looks like we're here.
No ticket, no laundry.
- Economy size.
- Sure.
- Nazis.
- Everywhere.
- Hi, sweetheart. What'll it be today?
- Do you want a large black?
- I always go for large and black.
- Good girl. Have fun.
Guys! I guess you'd
have wanted one this big!
You bastards!
Okay.
- That was big.
- Nice to get that out, huh?
Now I won't have to go to therapy today.
Where are you going?
Typical.
I need a penis enlargement.
Doctor, wait.
Give me some of the vampire's blood.
- Just a little.
- Looks like the fatso's crap is kicking in.
Just a little. To get rid of...
Okay, tell me everything
when you get to town. I'm off.
- Good that it's over.
- Yeah, war sucks, asshole.
- Now I can fix the summer cottage.
- Looks like water damage.
- Did you buy it on installments?
- No, cash.
It feels like we've forgotten something.
It's gnawing at the back of my head.
You're right about that. It's not
over until the commandant says so.
- Come on, fatty.
- How dare you bother me...
...The Third Reich's wunderkind? I'm going to take the Fhrer to the next century
and then I'll see to it that the world is cleansed.
I am the power and the bloodbath, you witch. Now it's your turn.
If you mess with me, you'll get one of these or one of these.
- Or would you rather wrestle?
- Yes.
Watch out, rock! I tricked you!
Let's do it again.
But I'm going to be on top.
This moment
is brought to you by fried chicken.
- Finally.
- What happened? I've looked everywhere.
- We went for a walk in the snow.
- You left me out there.
- You were injured.
- Yeah, but I'll survive.
- How are you?
- Great, but I'm craving something.
- I can get you some blood.
- How about a lunchbox?
- She's talking about her mouse.
- I thought you were dead.
He completely missed, but I didn't want
to fight. I'm not that kind of girl. Bye!
So...
So...
- So...
- We have unfinished business.
- Have you wanted to climb every mountain?
- I can climb your mountain.
Do it! Climb it!
- I think I love you.
- I know I love you.
Oh my God!
Sorry, I came.
We'll try again tomorrow. Get medicine.
This is starting to be a problem.
It's messy.
The End
But here's a sneak peek at the sequel:
A Very Blubberella Christmas
- This way.
- A new model.
A new model for our camp.
Here we come, you bastards!
Does this change anything?
Strippers? Where are you going?
What a dump.
Anne Frank had better Feng Shui.
Are you listening, you slut?
Now you're in trouble, you Bolsheviks!
- Come on, little pig.
- Oink, oink, oink.
- Komsi.
- It has an alcohol problem.
My dear Pippa.
I wonder if you can snort this.
Germans are really funny.
- My slippers are gone.
- Too bad for you.
You couldn't even get your schwanz up
the second time.
I don't like this crap.
- Is this cool?
- Yes.
Keep going, you pig.
- It doesn't work.
- It's not funny.
Mom's here.
Damn, this is heavy.
I miss you so much, Mom...
Salami, oh my god. Hell.
I miss you both so much,
Mom and Dad...
I brought some more for you too.
No, I'm just kidding. What the hell?
I miss you both so much.
Please, come back.
That goddamn commie.
Turn around and cough.
BLUBBERELLA. Half human,
half vampire. Mostly doughy.
Where am I?
Germany, 1940. A Jewish part of town.
Hi, everyone. I'm Blubberella,
and I'm a superhero.
Apparently I am. If you're sitting
close to the TV, you're in my splash zone.
I've been a superhero for 800 years.
In school they said I'd end up marrying
a Black man.
This is my favorite room.
I'm a bit of a meat lover.
Don't judge me.
Imagine if you got teased for being half
vampire and couldn't get a seat-
- in cars or on airplanes.
Once I got stuck on a Ferris wheel
for eight hours, but it left no scars.
My friend Freud says I substitute
food for sex, but he raped me-
- so that theory fell flat.
Breakfast.
That gets me going in the morning.
I haven't given up hope
that there's someone out there for me.
I've been on a Hebrew hookup app and
talked to some hot guys.
But he never showed up. I don't get it,
I told him I converted.
No, no... Look.
Email. Hope it's good news.
Joshua, single and ready to mingle.
Come out of the closet.
Shall we have a picnic in the Alps?
My eggs.
Time to kill some Nazis.
Chapter one. Blubberella's hobbies.
1. Walks on the beach.
2. Killing Nazis.
- That's enough. Give me the sandwich!
- Never. Try another Nazi.
- Do you want to look like that?
- Just try it.
Taste it.
Delicious. My pulse went down.
It works. Good night.
Why isn't the cake going?
Where's the ferret?
Tuning?
Hit!
It hurt me more.
Fire's out!
The doctor, brother?
There's no place like Berlin.
What the hell! I need my Luger!
- There's no place like Berlin.
- Hold still.
COMMANDANMajor Skithog
- You're not allowed to play with my food.
- Are you going to a fashion show for the blind?
- Fun, right?
- No, Germans have no sense of humor.
Germans are so boring.
Who do I have the honor of meeting?
I'm a dhampir.
Half human, half vampire.
Good heavens!
Time to end this.
Jeez, liebfraumilch.
- Let go. Don't bite.
- I'm coming.
Goodbye.
VADGE
Or whatever the ficus is called in German.
- What are you looking at?
- I'm checking if there's more of you.
- What? Exactly. Who are you?
- Vagisil!
Hello, it's Vadge.
Learn to speak properly.
You couldn't miss you
at the resistance meetings.
- I'm the one bringing the cookies.
- Oh, cookies.
NATHANIEL. The resistance movement's
unrivaled leader, except to sharks.
Nathaniel. You've already
met my partner.
I've never seen anyone move
like a hungry nosh horn.
- Pilates.
- Maybe you're not just a girl.
- What the hell do you mean by that?
- You're the dhampir, right?
- She moves like a watermelon.
- I'd like to talk to you.
If your men stop waving
their phallic symbols in my face...
...then you're welcome to buy me dinner.
- And the commandant?
- Just an appetizer.
Did you save anything? I'm starving.
You've had your fun.
We need to unload the weapons-
- and more courses are coming soon.
I'll take care of it.
Done.
- Lift with your hips.
- It's really heavy!
They're just humans.
This is not what I was told to expect.
Is there a Joshua in there?
Or a Maurie?
Robert or Stephen with a ph?
Someone named Goldman?
- You've apparently seen this before.
- Every weekend they fly east from me.
- They need our help. Stop crying!
- Of course we're crying, we're in a cattle car.
It's about humanity.
About saving lives.
I get that they got you.
That hat is awful.
Give us more bread.
Are you going to help us
get them out into the woods?
I've already
done ten minutes on the treadmill today...
- Please, let us out.
- Fine, then I won't have to work out tomorrow.
- It wouldn't have happened anyway.
- Let's go.
There are so many of them.
Maybe we should just...
- They have pig faces.
- What do you mean?
- She's pretty hot, but her face...
- Do you have butter?
Yeah...
- Let us out!
- Read it.
- Now they'll never get out.
- We'll be right back.
A soldier by a tree took a permanent
lunch break, and we thought it was you.
I've never missed a target.
The sword through the tree...
Is that your vampire ability?
- No, it's the mermaid in me.
- I thought you were the steam vampire?
- I thought you were the steam vampire.
- I'm serious.
- Stop mocking me.
- Stop mocking me.
- We really appreciate your help.
- I'd have happily done without her.
- Calm down, I think...
- Shut up!
Not to sound ungrateful... Why not
hunt bigger fish in Berlin?
- Sluts with horrible little mustaches.
- She only thinks about food.
- I don't follow the news.
- But you seem to be eating it up.
Are there any problems in Berlin?
We all have our problems.
Some more secret than others.
Intimate, and sexual too.
That guy would
rape me if he got the chance.
He's a good friend I trust, and
he would never hit on a monster.
- Hey, would you sell my kidneys?
- I'd take them right through the cunt.
- I've seen this happen before.
- Shut up!
Shut up.
Chapter two. How to create a vampire.
For idiots.
I've never seen that before.
LIEUTENANThe commandant's bitch.
- Who else has been on the train?
- Nobody.
You have to stay alert, soldier.
Can you do that?
- Can you follow orders and stay sharp?
- I don't know. What do you think?
- I need two strong men.
- Muscle power.
Maybe a third
to get me out of here.
Don't tell anyone.
It's a little embarrassing.
- I'll be right back.
- I hope so.
Otherwise it's Russia.
Hell.
I shouldn't have enlisted.
Hi! Cute.
It wouldn't even fit
your wrist, fatso. Stick!
Hi. Pathetic.
Let me soften something up.
We don't have the right tools.
Wow, impressive.
- Thanks. Check out my mixer.
- No, that's not necessary.
I'm sorry,
but that's all the food we have.
Please. Right, we'll take this one.
- How many chains do you think?
- As many as needed.
I heard they've emptied some ghettos.
- So that's where my 234 dates went?
- You're so lonely.
Do you think your men and the faggots know?
- Vagisil, are you gay?
- No.
Really? Gay? There you go.
I can't stop thinking
about the people on the train.
- Why?
- There wasn't even a dining car.
We do what we can,
the rest we have to let go.
- I've never wanted to let go.
- It's as salty as ball sweat.
Some things... not yet!
- What are you doing?
- Hello? Not now, Mom.
Yes, he's cute.
No, I'm not going to talk baby talk!
- The sauce is so hot.
- Are you going to eat it?
Stop! Sit, shame! We have guests.
Okay, then we'll eat.
- One more time.
- Your camp stinks.
- I assume you got my message.
- The doctor is in his laboratory.
THE DOCTOR. Patient list:
M. Jackson: C. Haim: L. Lohan.
The doctor?
- Good God, what are you doing?
- Did you say God?
I certainly hope not.
There are plenty of undemanding gods.
- I'll be thinking of Elvis.
- That's not Elvis, it's a vampire.
Absolutely. Our night patrol found
him to the west a couple of nights ago.
It was probably a film critic,
but they're so rarely out.
I've never met a film critic.
That's why you're still alive.
This creature-
- can no longer relate
to human morality.
That's why you should
never trust a vampire.
- Do you have to cut into him in my presence?
- Boy George didn't complain.
I'm only testing its endurance.
Let me tell you something, Lieutenant.
It's a very durable creature.
Outside. Now.
I lack authority, but I
won't stay silent while you're killing-
- that Elvis impersonator
in your crazy experiment.
The fascinating thing is that
they're very hard to kill.
It only works with stakes, fire,
holy water, or Rocky sequels.
Vampires are available forever.
It's a wonder of science.
And I'm onto something big.
- How big?
- I could probably make Hitler immortal.
Great...
Something's happened. Pack your bag.
We're going to Disneyland in 20 minutes.
No, I have to file my taxes. Damn it.
- My dear boy, what have you found?
- 20 minutes.
Suitcase?
Fore!
Who do you think you are? You're not
special just because you're a dhampir.
You're just a mediocre dhampir.
Precious! Are you listening?
Your name isn't Precious, you dhampir brat!
- What did you say?
- Yes, Mom.
- When will the blood be ready?
- When I'm ready.
Excuse me?
- When I'm ready, I said.
- Apparently Precious can talk.
Do you think you're special because
you had a child? That you're grown up?
You're just a kid who sleeps with
any werewolf, you idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- What did you say?
- Nothing, Mom.
- Put a bag under it. It needs to drip.
Yes, Mom...
Who's going to clean that up?
That's my new linoleum floor.
- Are you going to leave it like that?
- I'll fix it, Mom.
- I'll fix it when I feel like it.
- When you feel like it?
Is this your house? Are you an adult
just because you got a stupid vampire kid?
Just because every vampire has
sunk their teeth into you? You're a nobody!
Do you hear what I'm saying, bitch?
Guess I didn't hit hard enough.
How about a little snack, bitch?
Come back!
Did you really think you could fix it?
The blood's gone, you stupid bitch.
- You're stupid, Mom.
- What did you say? I'll fix you!
Hold still, bitch! Down, bitch.
- The mouse is dead, but I'm strong.
- You? Strong?
I'm terror itself, Mom.
Does that change anything?
Respect.
I need something to eat.
Chapter three.
Titty Titty Fang Bang.
Right. Now we wait.
I need to find out
how he's still alive.
- Maybe he's Mickey Rourke's doctor.
- Yeah, he's a vampire, after all.
Then you know that what's badly injured
will eventually heal. Before that happens-
- you have to lock it up and cut out the
bullets and the head. Cut off everything.
- Don't overdo it.
- He's a vampire, Lieutenant.
Nosferatu, Dracula,
Blade, Blade 2, Dark Shadows.
Dark Shadows is maybe a TV series.
He's infected.
The sooner you get rid of your friend,
the safer it is for all of you.
I came here because you found something
extraordinary. That's just crap.
- The train robbery happened at noon.
- Noon? My dear Pippa.
My ladies.
Call the bitch!
I love this game!
Okay, I need a volunteer.
It smells like sweat and cheese in here.
Did the woman who killed your
stupid men move like a vampire?
She was apparently like a slow
whirlwind. A giant broad.
- A giantess?
- Very big.
I like big. Can't you see it all fits together?
If this fat vampire attacked our commandant, he has the same qualities.
He'd even have a shot in a hot dog-eating contest now.
- Would that work?
- I've got no idea what works.
I'm going in.
Time to wake up. Commandant?
Come and get it.
Stop! Stop!
- What do you want?
- You have to stop smoking crack.
Caffeine, too much caffeine.
- Turn around.
- My meat.
Almost done. I know you've got an S&M ball here.
I'm going to shove it up your snout! Somebody's vagina should be split.
I've had a good time for the first time in ages. What's your problem, slut?
Pick on someone your own size. Someone closer to your size, at least.
- Get out of here.
- Can't you get it up?
- I'll take that as a yes.
- You dirty slut.
Come on!
Come back.
Turn around and cough.
I feel a lump.
You shouldn't work as a stripper.
Then you'd find a sugar daddy more easily.
- I went to adult education.
- Unfortunately, that doesn't count.
Goodbye.
Okay, so what happens now? A soothing face mask?
- Locked entrance. We're closed today.
- The Germans understand something has happened.
Do you have sperm in your ear?
You aggressive creature.
Don't cause me any trouble.
What's going on down there is probably
more problematic. Look into it.
That's enough! Roosevelt doesn't move
much, he's in a wheelchair.
He's a cripple, like me. You should help me heal-
- but you haven't done anything!
I can only do what I've learned,
and I missed that lesson that day.
You missed the lesson?
The butchery lesson? Look at me.
Look. I can make a rabbit.
I'm serious!
Figure out how to solve it.
This is no joke. Absolutely unbelievable.
Someone's clearly in a bad mood. We need to make a decision.
Heads and we keep following the same lead. Tails means Let's Dance in Hollywood.
Hollywood! Hollywood!
- We have a gift for you.
- I've had enough already. Thanks anyway.
- It's on the house.
- Okay.
I don't have any money, ladies.
Do you speak English?
Just take it easy.
You found a bump. And another one.
SLUTLANA.
Whore. Ask about our group discount.
Excuse me.
Is that what they call the German rear end?
I might need them later. Thanks.
- What is it? I was sitting on the toilet.
- The whore from the brothel.
- I didn't order anyone.
- Information is for the commandant only.
What do you want in return?
Just no new boobs, anyway.
- Come on. Do you play sexual Twister?
- Every day.
Good.
You've been through
a metamorphosis lately.
Some kind of transformation phase.
How can I help you?
I have news about the woman you're looking for.
She tore free from a soldier's bullets.
A soldier's?
Do you know where I can find her?
- Still at the brothel, mein Kommandant.
- Good news.
- They look so young, my dear.
- She looks really cute.
- And you smell so good.
- She smells really good.
When I touch you, I can feel
the blood racing faster and faster.
There's one more thing you can
do for me, my dear. One more thing.
- Too much slapstick.
- One more.
Now for the afterparty.
This is so embarrassing.
I can't... wait.
I forgot I had these.
Come on, you bastards!
Thanks, they came in handy.
See you!
Chapter four.
VJVK. Vampires I want to fuck.
- We've got her right where we want her.
- Yes, at the brothel.
- Mom, it's me, Sonny boy.
- I've always eaten messily.
- This wicked half-blood!
- Is that Hitler?
- She slipped away from us.\N- No, the Fhrer went into the pub.
We'll get his autograph.
Act like a human being.
I need some weapons.
- What have you done now?\N- Turned the commandant into a vampire.
- Hey. Do we have any dynamite?\N- Not for you, you whore.
- You're going to get killed.\N- Throwing knives?
- Throwing forks? I'm out of those.\N- Just a dirty cocaine spoon.
You can't just rush into\Na wasps' nest without protection.
They attacked the brothel this morning to\Nfind me. I'm going to take revenge on him.
- Not without a plan!\N- You can't risk your lives.
- I'll do it myself.\N- We need to find out their plan first.
He's not just a vampire.\NHe has a terrible German accent too.
Despite my inability to carry a scene,\Nbut with a little luck...
...we have to cooperate.\N- I'm not dying for the balloon.
We have spies watching them right now.
It's getting completely crazy.
This doesn't feel right.\NI'll take a box. Good.
Be careful what you wish for,\Nbecause it doesn't always turn out well.
- Good.\N- Good.
Shove your cock in her mouth\Nso she shuts up.
That could be nice.
- You can let go of my purse now.\N- That fast?
I'll take another one. Or two, actually.
The next scene is really boring. That's why\Nwe're playing Jessica De Rooij's music-
- from Uwe Boll's films. Enjoy.
What's that?
The commandant drank your blood\Han hour ago, gypsy girl.
- What an incredible healing ability.\N- It feels different.
Imagine how strong you'd feel\Nif you became immune to this.
Just a small sample.
You've inherited his immunity,\Nbut only a little bit.
If you were an ordinary vampire,\Nthe holy water would have crushed your hand.
But imagine if the holy water had\Nno effect at all. Fire and wooden stakes too.
Think of the possibilities.\NYour blood made the commandant heal.
A necessary exchange.\NWe must all sacrifice ourselves for the Fhrer.
Times are changing, gypsy girl. Yesterday I didn't believe in vampires.
A dubious scientific crossbreed, but today the world is our oyster.
Change is inevitable. Evolution is inevitable.
The Fatherland is inevitable.
Mein Fhrer, who will marry Roosevelt once the Jews are defeated?
Roosevelt is a giant with glasses and a cigarette holder. Almost German.
Who's your favorite general? Rommel, with his tanks.
But Gring has planes that fly so high up in the air.
Doctor, what are you doing right now?
Stupid Slutlana. Schweinhund.
The doctor? The doctor?
I can see that for myself, Doctor.
- It's the devil in me.
- Your transformation fascinates me.
I've studied it, but I can't understand it.
It may not be science, but something greater.
Science is everything.
Am I still your favorite specimen?
You're definitely the most forbidden. You've lost your human character.
Your deadly spiral, as Shakespeare called it.
- He sounds clever.
- You've evolved and gone back.
You confuse me. I like it.
On the other hand, you've submitted to your deadly instincts.
Such as?
Hunger, thirst, a craving for blood and sexual desire.
But you've been observing my new life for free.
- Are you a gambler, Doctor?
- It seems so.
I know you haven't seen what I'm capable of, Doctor.
Don't do anything stupid.
- She became aggressive.
- Yes, it seems so.
Calm down and meet me up there.
I'm coming.
What's happening, A-D-O-L-H?
- You're here, right? If you hadn't started...
- Do they all have them?
- You're sitting.
- If you hadn't started to hurry...
...we would already have been here, and Rommel could have come up from the south.
Is all this because of my dates? Sorry, but a girl has to get laid.
That's the main objective.
- Mein Fhrer.\N- What are you doing here?
- I brought your things.\N- Is that an overnight bag?
- How was it in Africa?\N- I got shot.
What do you know about getting shot?
- Pardon?\N- I've been shot eighteen times.
- I said I've been shot eighteen times.\N- Are you saying I'm lying?
- Are you calling me a liar?\N- No, but one time is nothing.
- That's all I'm saying. Eighteen times.\N- Calm down, Stauffenberger.
Our new allies from Africa.
Six!
I move in and take control of Africa.\NA six means another roll.
- It doesn't count outside the plan.\N- It doesn't matter, it's flat.
Five. A bit further down in the Congo.
- Why do you always mess with the Congo?\N- Stauffi.
- You should stay a while longer.\N- Shall I call Rommel for you?
- A six.\N- You rolled twice.
That's how I play, you bastard.\NI fight every day.
- I should go.\N- Wait, it's your turn.
- I'm taking back my colony.\N- You're so far into India, that sucks.
Look. That means...
I won!
What the hell...\NWhy do you have to ruin everything?
It was a bad first date,\Nbut we still had sex, so it was good.
We can put you in here.
A new email.
- We don't need any sentimental machines.\N- Everything is right here in front of you.
You can rule the world.\NLet me give you some friendly advice.
You should drop the ethnic\Ncleansing. People think it sucks.
- Sure, you decide...\N- It's fine.
I know how lonely it can be.\NIt gets lonelier the more you kill.
You have to examine yourself.\NWho is Adolf, really?
Ask yourself: who am I?
- Do I like having fun? Partying?\N- No.
Or do I like genocide?
- Like what?\N- Genocide. Should people remember you for that?
It's calm, but whatever you want to do, I'm here for you.
- Yes?
- It's cold out here.
- Shouldn't I invite you in?
- It doesn't work that way, Lieutenant.
I hope I'm not in the way.
- Would you like a drink?
- No schnapps.
Okay... strange.
What can I help you with, Mein Kommandant?
- Come closer. Come on.
- Are you serious?
Lieutenant, you know I'm a vampire.
- And you could become a vampire too.
- Yes, but I don't want to.
You won't know until you've tried it.
- What have you done?
- Just wait, it gets better.
I'm already feeling better. As if I could uproot trees.
- As if I could fly.
- Yes, but now we're waiting for the professor.
Isn't he a doctor?
Who are you? I'll strangle you!
Tell me who you are!
- Eagle's nest! Eagle's nest!
- Password.
- That could have gone badly.
- Yes.
I didn't know it was you.
- So this is where you live? How lovely.
- I'll give you a guided tour.
You're so sexy. Come in, Doctor.
- Is it ready?
- A rare specimen, Doctor.
- I prefer a less rare one.
- You always have to think about trichinosis.
The little mask. I got it once
and had diarrhea for two weeks.
My uniform smelled terrible.
- Did you use a little bleach?
- Yes, but the stains won't come out.
- Time for the secret ritual.
- Yes, it's time.
Come here, little piggy.
Nom, nom, nom...
Nice. Very tidy.
I killed the owner, so, well...
- Who is it?
- It's Vagisil.
Did you invite him to our date? I don't
drag guys along on a first date.
Maybe, if it goes really well and you buy
dinner. I'm rearranging the furniture a bit.
No, they're cutting themselves. Back in a moment. I'll
fix a drink or a piece of meat.
Excellent.
- So you know Hitler?
- Absolutely.
That's... strange, to say the least.
Stop there.
Make sure you don't get killed.
I brought snacks!
- No, it's Grandma's.
- It's incredibly ugly.
- I want to tell you about my dream.
- Hitler.
They always come true. I often dream
that I'm dancing like Beyonc.
Do you know why dreams always come true?
No, I don't either.
Hitler is going to take over the world
with a vampire army.
- That's crazy.
- I'm kind of stoned right now...
...so it seems.
Even an ordinary person who transforms
becomes a deadly biting machine.
Are you feeding him?
I mean, how nice...
You can have one too.
You missed.
- She has a problem.
- She got her protein dose anyway.
- She's probably going to throw up again.
- She's probably cutting herself.
- I heard you!
- We're not your friends, we're colleagues.
- What a dump.
- I think it's charming.
- You're wrong. I'm gay and I know these things.
- Clubs?
- Okay, so we're friends again then.
- Thanks.
Go to hell.
- Go to hell!
- I said it first.
Can we talk about that Hitler guy?
Does he have a last name?
- I think it's Hitler.
- Like Chow.
- How are we going to kill him?
- That's the next scene.
What is it, girl?
Did Tim get stuck in the well?
She probably needs to pee.
Get it! Find it!
Chapter eight.
The intervention.
Come in.
Lieutenant. Good to see you.
I forgot
to close the sunroof on the car.
We just want to talk to you.
Okay, I'm listening. But only
if I get to eat one of you afterward.
Okay, that sounds reasonable.
We'll pick one for you.
- Vadge, can you read your letter.
- Sure.
Dear Lieutenant. How's the leg?
How are you? I'm doing well.
If you don't accept our offer,
we'll probably kill you.
That doesn't mean we don't want
you to get the help you need.
Yours truly, Vadge :)
- What help? I'm doing fine.
- What denial.
No, no, no...
- You're a monster!
- Easy, Vadge.
Read your letter, Nathaniel.
Dear Lieutenant. Your addiction has
affected me negatively in the following ways.
You've killed the people I love,
including resistance man 1, 3...
... 5, 7, 11, 12...
... 14, 15, 20 through 35...
No numerical order. Number 27
excluded, since he died a natural death.
You've also tried to kill me.
- And you want to suck my blood!
- That's enough!
- Use your words, not your fists.
- It's okay, it's his request.
He wanted me to find you all,
and I'm glad I did!
One more time. Calm down! We need him
in at least two or three pieces.
No wonder you got transformed.
- What? What?
- He bit me.
- Vadge?
- I haven't sucked your dick.
- Commandant, you idiots!
- But he has trains full of people.
I'm the tracker.
I found you on JewishDating. Come.
- You bastard!
- Now we fight. Come on!
Then they know everything about us. Names of our
agents, the Allied positions...
...hiding places, your real age.
- You bastard!
He intends to use our information
to find a safe route to Berlin.
- That sucks.
- We need the map, he has to talk!
Use my body as a map.
This is Germany, France-
- and this is Switzerland, neutral.
Point here.
- Where is your commandant?
- Here.
At the factory?
Get lost!
Okay, is there anything else you want
to tell us? Then it's time to point.
No. Well, actually.
- No...
- Okay.
- Get started.
- I can't do it.
Rosebud...
Don't get it dirty,
it took a week to make it.
Good.
They've messed it up!
I cleaned for a whole day!
I don't know what you said, but
I was probably a bad shot.
- You whore!
- What?
- You're giving me heartburn.
- You're giving me an erection.
- I love you!
- What?
- Come on, there are men all over here.
- Which of you loves me most?
- We should gather the troops.
- Yes.
Who looks best in the wedding photo?
This one or this one?
This isn't Cougar Town,
calm down. Listen!
- Is anyone allergic to cocoa butter?
- He's dead.
Hey, get out of here!
What's that there? I'll stir it.
Come on, you're soldiers! Put out
the fire! Do you know how to use the hose?
- Right.
- Do you like sensual massage?
Thick feathers?
Is this uncomfortable? Would it be okay
if there wasn't a child in there?
I'll take this one.
What does this look like?
Do you know how many cows die for that
rock? Get him to the floor.
Put it down. Why do you have bullets
when there are no weapons?
- Why can the bow do more than you?
- Do you know how to be a bow?
Build a time machine so I can go
back and kill Hitler's mother.
- Smart.
- I know. We really should do that.
- Do you know where Hitler lives?
- History is ours.
Revenge!
- Sieg!
- Valkyries!
- What is she doing?
- Calm down, we're not allowed to socialize otherwise.
- She never takes this long.
- What do you mean? She's a hippo.
We were supposed to wait for a signal.
She was supposed to whistle.
Then we wait for her signal
and enjoy the garden as long as we can.
Do you hear something?
This is idiotic.
- Can someone buy me a Frostie?
- I'm dizzy with hunger.
- I just want to finish this.
- What do they make in the factory? Nasties?
Maybe she forgot about the signal.
Stop, you've got something on your backs.
It looks like a spider.
- She was going to kill two nasties.
- Maybe there are more.
What if she decides to kill us? She's angry because we're waiting here.
The whistle signal!
- Did you kill them?
- Yes!
- We've been waiting here for two hours.
- They're dead, you can come out!
I killed them myself.
Can someone help him?
You can do it.
Did you see how I solved it?
I deserve a cake.
We have to get into the factory.
- There's nothing here.
- Watch my boots.
This way.
Did you find anything?
- Where is everyone?
- We're hiding here.
- What are you wearing?
- German clothes. We were supposed to blend in.
Who's the girl?
Nathaniel woke up hungover,
so I gave him a White Russian.
- This doesn't add up.
- Yeah, why guard an empty factory?
Did we walk into a trap? Shit!
- This way!
- I love this.
- Help me!
- Okay.
What am I supposed to do with it?
- There's no blood in it.
- Preservatives.
- Excellent.
- Can we get some light?
We don't have any black ones in the film, so the whore dies first. Get away from the light!
I'm trying! They're burning up!
Die!
- You killed them all so fast!
- Professor, the steam hyena.
- She's hard to miss.
- She's a unique creature.
- Imagine the suffocating loneliness.
- You make me sound handicapped.
- It'll be hard to breed her.
- I've done sick things for you...
...but that's where the line is.
- I could speed date. Do you?
Grab her. I'll take the buddy.
- See anything you like?
- What do you want, you freak?
I'm taking you to Berlin.
You might even make the papers.
The leader of
the beast rights movement hanged.
But don't worry. We know where all
your friends are hiding in the woods.
- I was asleep.
- You're not going to Berlin for a lap dance.
Strippers? Where are you going?
You regret this, don't you?
You'll never fix it. Put some effort into it.
- You're an incredible specimen.
- Thanks.
But you know what?
You drink way too many milkshakes.
- I've heard that.
- I'm about to fill the Werfuhrer...
...with your blood.
Then we'll see what happens.
I know, a fat dwarf.
- You can't mess with my work!
- Why so serious?
I'm still delivering.
One more.
- That didn't hurt at all.
- Now it's going to.
- Come on, buy me dinner first!
- Jeez. Bad for my cholesterol.
Doctor,
prepare this woman for a journey!
Time to meet Hitler.
Who wants to rescue our friends
and kill the Nazis?
The scripture says
we have to save them, okay?
I know you don't want to. You're dirty
and just want to take a shower... with me.
No?
Russian girl, come here.
- Hey, boys.
- Who wants to come along?
Chapter ten.
Highway to Hitler.
- What crazy weather.
- Yeah, but it's nice in here.
It's not a bad prisoner transport.
It's definitely cozy.
- Are you seeing anyone?
- Not right now.
- Neither am I.
- I haven't met the... right one.
- It's hot in here.
- Yeah, it's starting to get pretty steamy.
- I'm just going to take off my coat.
- Yeah...
- I'm burning up.
- I'm starting to sweat.
- I probably didn't use deodorant this morning.
- I just need to scratch a little.
- But...
- Your fly is open.
Oh my God...
In with it. Sit on it.
Can you feel it? Damn it!
No worries, we can try again.
It's okay.
- It's the first time.
- Doesn't matter. It happens to some people.
- Not in two months.
- I know. I'll get a napkin.
- It was still nice.
- I'm glad we did it.
You almost came, right?
It seemed good for you.
- You're right.
- I know what to do next time.
- Nobody likes cuddling anymore.
- That's the most important thing.
I'm glad you think so.
What the...
Did it go well?
Looks like we're here.
No ticket, no laundry.
- Economy size.
- Sure.
- Nazis.
- Everywhere.
- Hi, sweetheart. What'll it be today?
- Do you want a large black?
- I always go for large and black.
- Good girl. Have fun.
Guys! I guess you'd
have wanted one this big!
You bastards!
Okay.
- That was big.
- Nice to get that out, huh?
Now I won't have to go to therapy today.
Where are you going?
Typical.
I need a penis enlargement.
Doctor, wait.
Give me some of the vampire's blood.
- Just a little.
- Looks like the fatso's crap is kicking in.
Just a little. To get rid of...
Okay, tell me everything
when you get to town. I'm off.
- Good that it's over.
- Yeah, war sucks, asshole.
- Now I can fix the summer cottage.
- Looks like water damage.
- Did you buy it on installments?
- No, cash.
It feels like we've forgotten something.
It's gnawing at the back of my head.
You're right about that. It's not
over until the commandant says so.
- Come on, fatty.
- How dare you bother me...
...The Third Reich's wunderkind? I'm going to take the Fhrer to the next century
and then I'll see to it that the world is cleansed.
I am the power and the bloodbath, you witch. Now it's your turn.
If you mess with me, you'll get one of these or one of these.
- Or would you rather wrestle?
- Yes.
Watch out, rock! I tricked you!
Let's do it again.
But I'm going to be on top.
This moment
is brought to you by fried chicken.
- Finally.
- What happened? I've looked everywhere.
- We went for a walk in the snow.
- You left me out there.
- You were injured.
- Yeah, but I'll survive.
- How are you?
- Great, but I'm craving something.
- I can get you some blood.
- How about a lunchbox?
- She's talking about her mouse.
- I thought you were dead.
He completely missed, but I didn't want
to fight. I'm not that kind of girl. Bye!
So...
So...
- So...
- We have unfinished business.
- Have you wanted to climb every mountain?
- I can climb your mountain.
Do it! Climb it!
- I think I love you.
- I know I love you.
Oh my God!
Sorry, I came.
We'll try again tomorrow. Get medicine.
This is starting to be a problem.
It's messy.
The End
But here's a sneak peek at the sequel:
A Very Blubberella Christmas
- This way.
- A new model.
A new model for our camp.
Here we come, you bastards!
Does this change anything?
Strippers? Where are you going?
What a dump.
Anne Frank had better Feng Shui.
Are you listening, you slut?
Now you're in trouble, you Bolsheviks!
- Come on, little pig.
- Oink, oink, oink.
- Komsi.
- It has an alcohol problem.
My dear Pippa.
I wonder if you can snort this.
Germans are really funny.
- My slippers are gone.
- Too bad for you.
You couldn't even get your schwanz up
the second time.
I don't like this crap.
- Is this cool?
- Yes.
Keep going, you pig.
- It doesn't work.
- It's not funny.
Mom's here.
Damn, this is heavy.
I miss you so much, Mom...
Salami, oh my god. Hell.
I miss you both so much,
Mom and Dad...
I brought some more for you too.
No, I'm just kidding. What the hell?
I miss you both so much.
Please, come back.
That goddamn commie.
Turn around and cough.