Blue Money (1985) Movie Script
1
[LWT IDENT]
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Come in, forty two, over.
Mind you. I found the Greek language
pretty tricky to pick up, you know.
I was only there a week, of course,
and you never see that much of a...
...country on your honeymoon, do ya?
[LAUGHS]
Great people, though, the Greeks -
oh, yeah. Great gusto.
What about Antony Quinn doing Zorba?
[ADOPTS GREEK ACCENT]
"They said Zorba was mad...
..."but it was the dancing."
"Only the dancing that
stopped the pain."
Oh, yeah,
[LAUGHS]
You have grand singers,
as well.
Your woman with the glasses is
very good.
Er, Nana Mercouri.
Not forgetting our friend the
human mountain, what's his name?
[SINGS] "Love me for ever, and
ever, and I feel the same."
Demis Roussos.
[PIANO INTRO]
[THEME MUSIC]
"Blue Monday, how I hate blue Monday."
"Got to work like a slave all day."
"Here comes Tuesday, Oh,
hard Tuesday."
"I'm so tired, I got no time to play."
"Here comes Wednesday, and I'm
beat to my socks."
"My gal calls,
gotta tell her that I'm out."
"Cause Thursday is a hard workin' day."
"And Friday I get my pay."
"Saturday mornin', oh Saturday mornin'."
"All my tiredness has gone away."
"Got my money and my honey."
"And I'm out on the stand to play."
"Sunday mornin' my head is bad."
"But it's worth it
for the time that I had."
"But I've got to get my rest."
"Cause Monday is next."
"Saturday mornin', oh, Saturday mornin'."
"All my tiredness has gone away."
"I got my money, I got my honey."
"And I'm out on the stand to play."
"Sunday mornin' my head is bad."
"But it's worth it
for the time that I had."
"But I've got to get my rest."
"Cause Monday's a mess."
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Anybody free to pick up a passenger...
[ENGINE STARTS THEN DIES]
...from Euston Station?
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Any odds for the Oval?
[DOOR SHUTS, ENGINE STARTS]
How's the form, Mr Ramirez?
Is it Gatwick again?
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Calling again for the Oval.
Did you see the film on
the box yesterday?
Carmen Miranda, Oh.
Singing away great gases...
...most of a grocer's shop on her head.
- "I-yi-yi-yi-yi love you very"---
- I told you last week.
No jokes, no songs, no chit chat.
You drive, hey?
You're the boss, amigo.
Stay here.
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Nothing, over. Anybody for the Oval?
Scummy little dago.
[ROCK 'N' ROLL INTRO]
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!
I'm gonna be a wheel someday."
"I'm gonna be somebody."
"I'm gonna be a real gone cat."
"Then I won't want you."
"Everything's gonna go my way."
"I won't need nobody."
[MUSIC STOPS]
"---by, I'm gonna be a re--"
Move.
You won't got short, I swear to God.
I'll have the redundancy money.
And that'll take care of your
payments until...
...I get my career in showbusiness
really off the ground.
[SNIFFS]
Fidelma...
...the kids get their shoes.
- He got tar on 'is.
- Sod off, you.
First day 'e wore 'em.
- Weren't tar, it was oil.
- Ruined 'em, 'e did.
[WOMAN SINGS]
"This year I'm off to sunny Spain."
"Y Viva Espana."
Da da, dah, dah da dah, dah da dah.
Thirty-nine on the line.
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Come in, thirty-nine. Over.
Proceeding homeward, Letty.
You can start mixing the drinks, sugar.
Larry, can you get some
teabags on your way in, dear?
Teabags? I'm working out the last week
of my notice, darlin'.
I won't be around to drink any tea.
Let somebody still in
employment get the teabags.
STOP!
- Melanie, a car's got through.
- Well, is it Tetley's you want, or what?
Much obliged, Larry.
Think nothing of it.
Stand by, and...
...action!
[BIKE STARTS AND REVS]
[GUNSHOT]
[BIKE REVS]
Suffering Jesus!
[TYRES SQUEAL]
Oh!
[PAINED GROANING]
We're still running.
Uh--! If this is some clever dick's idea of
creative directing...!
- Cut.
- We've cut.
Look, will you listen - it, it's not real.
It's make-believe, it's pretend!
It's, it's television, dear!
- Excuse me.
- How are ya?
- We're with the BBC.
- You are not!
[CRASH]
Oh!
- Honest to God?
- Mm. Quite.
Now, how you happened into this I don't know.
But the sooner you clear your car away,
the quicker we can do another take.
- Right?
- Huh.
Okay, places again, everybody.
Er, are you the director, are you?
No, the director is over there.
See?
The man with the big vein
swelling up in his forehead.
Oh! Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Er, what class of a
show is this, anyway?
If you go to the end of the street
and join those other onlookers there...
...they'll be able to tell you all about it.
- All right.
- Only I'm in the business myself.
- In a, in a manner of speaking.
- Yeah, well - bye.
Right.
Better luck with the viewing figures.
I couldn't stop him, Melanie,
he almost killed me.
You all right?
[MARKET TRADERS' SHOUTS,
VOICES OVER RADIO]
He was in Game for a Laugh,
that one.
What 'im doing?
Well, I never.
[HUMMING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[BEEP, BEEP BEEP]
[BEEEEEP]
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP]
[LABOURED BREATHING]
[BEEEEEP]
[HE GASPS]
[ENGINE WHINES]
Hey!
Brogan.
Are you heading home?
- Do you want a lift?
- Jesus, Lar!
Is it you, man?
You put me old heart in me mouth!
What has you so jumpy?
Just drive, will ya.
You're still tryin' to break into
the movies, I see.
- I'd no idea they were making a film.
- Ah, come on.
You were definitely
looking the part.
I don't even do acting - as you know.
I do impressions.
[SINGING]
"Since my baby left me"
"I've found a new place to dwell."
"It's down at the end of Lonely Street,
It's called Heartbreak Hotel."
"I feel so lonely, baby."
"I feel so lonely."
"I feel so lonely"
"I could die."
"Although it's always crowded,
you still can find some room"...
..."For broken hearted lovers"...
[BURP]
..."To cry away their gloom."
- "You make me so lonely, baby"
- Come on, what are ya drinkin'?
- No, I'd better wait until I've done me act.
- Ah, you're jokin'.
- "They've been so long on Lonely Street"...
- Take a look at the punters.
- ..."They ain't ever gonna look back."
- Gin and tonic, please.
"I feel so lonely, baby."
"Ever so lonely."
"Ever so lonely"
"I could die."
Let's hear it for Larry Gormley, folks.
He's come a long way from Artane.
But then, who wouldn't?
[SPARSE CLAPPING]
[WHISTLING]
Thank you.
And now we've another old favourite.
The Lady with the Voice of a Lark...
...the bewitching and talented
Miss Pam Hodge.
[ROGAN SHOUTS]
Oh, yeah! Good on ya, Pamela.
- Evening, precious.
- Not much doing tonight, is there?
- Get out there and kill 'em dead.
- That's the last thing they need.
[BUTTON CLICKS;
BACKING TAPE STARTS]
"Take the ribbon from your hair."
"Shake it loose, and let it fall."
- "Laying soft"...
- How was I?
- ..."upon my skin."
- What? Oh.
Ace, man, you were goin' a blinder.
- They're terrible quiet.
- Ya have 'em stunned into submission.
- How's Fidelma?
- Don't ask.
Listen, if you're ever
short of a few quid.
I don't take other people's
money, Bro, you know that.
- So how're you proposing to live?
- Don't worry about me.
- I've something really big brewing for me.
- Look, listen to me, Lar---
- I'm just not at liberty to divulge it.
- Never mind that.
What is it, anyway?
I'm just not at liberty.
Never mind.
Contemplate instead, if you will...
...five hundred green ones, clutched
tight in those hot little hands.
- How's it feel, huh?
- Bent.
You never even leave the cab,
I promise ya.
It's just driving the cab...
- ...same as you do everyday.
- I live by a certain code, Bro.
Ah, for Jesus' sake.
- I'll be in the money, all right.
- Not the three S's, for pity's sake.
I'll be in the money, all right.
But I'll get it by doing what
I want to do.
That racket?
You've been getting nowhere
for ten years, for Christ's sake, Lar.
Carpe diem.
I mean, every wag in town is an
impressionist. Wise up, will ya?
Style. Smart thinking.
Showmanship.
- I knew it.
- That's what it takes, that's what I've got.
You're an aggravating gobshite,
do ya know that?
But westward, look, the land is bright.
Sic transit gloria mundi, Lar.
Nil desperandum, Bro.
- "And it's sad"...
..."to be alone."
"Help me make it through the night."
"Ooh, hoo. Through the night."
"Ooh, hoo. Through the night."
"Ooh, hoo"
"Through the night."
You know whose feast day
it is today, I hope?
- Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.
- Well done, Una.
And Saint Aloysius Gonzaga
wants us to be nice to Daddy.
No matter what all he
may have done to us.
When Daddy goes to Hell a worm will crawl
through his belly button and eat his liver.
- You're disgusting!
- Shut up.
Well, maybe if we three pray
really hard for Daddy to repent...
...he'll get to go along with
us to Heaven even yet.
Pam won't though - she's a heathen.
- How do you know?
- She comes from Africa, don't she?
No, she don't, she comes
from Kennington.
Now, Barney, you mustn't
say unkind things to Pam...
...regardless of what she is. She and Daddy
are very good chums with each other.
I'll say.
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
Remember what Father
Maguire told you.
God loves even the blackest sinner.
And so must we.
Including Daddy and Pam.
Hello, Fidelma.
- Shall I come in?
- The children are prepared for you.
[CAR HORN TOOTS]
- Pam?
- That'll be one pound sixty-nine, please.
- Yeah?
- Will you and Daddy get married?
- No, I shouldn't think so.
- Do you think he's going to Hell?
Yeah, he is a bit, just recently.
Thanks.
What happens if you don't get this job?
I've got to get it.
So I can get it.
Let's be honest, Larry. You're good,
but you're not good enough.
I mean, you're never
gonna top anybody's bill.
The part specifically calls for an
Irish mimic who's a rock 'n' roll freak.
Which is down to me and Denny
Dirkin, and I happen to know...
...that Denny Dirkin is in traction
with a displaced coccyx.
Ah, come on love, they're gonna be
swarming out of the woodwork.
Well, they wouldn't have asked me back
if they weren't keen, now, would they?
It's the West End, Pam.
It's a big budget musical.
It's the chance I've been waiting for,
I just know I am going to make it.
I've got to make it.
- There's no alternative.
- Well, that's what I'm worried about.
[MUSIC: ROLLING STONES' SATISFACTION]
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try."
"I can't get no, no no no."
"When I'm driving in my car."
"And that man comes on the radio.
Telling me more and more"...
..."About some useless information,
s'posed to fire my imagination."
"I can't get no, no no no."
"Hey, hey".
There's nothing---
"I can't get no."
"I can't get no."
"I can't get no."
"Satisfaction."
[THUMP]
Is this yours?
Oh, she seemed that important---
Would you mind awfully waiting outside
for a few minutes, Mr Gormley?
Em, certainly, no problem.
We just need to put our heads
together for a mo, all right?
Game ball.
You give us a shout, like,
when you're all finished.
I should imagine we probably will, yes.
Right, is that his real name?
What, Gormley?
Isn't it well that Larry's a blind optimist.
I mean, he'd need to be,
in his position.
A great comfort you are, Bro.
The point being, Pam...
...Larry and I have known each other
since we were both in nappies.
And a decenter skin you'd never meet.
- But I have to warn ya, a born loser.
- Well you're the expert on that, Bro.
Nolle prosequi, Pam.
You have a very soft touch, Pamela.
Duurrgh!
Once you've done the plates of meat, how
about investigating the rest of me, huh?
Your feet are chronic enough, thanks.
Ah, well, you see, bad feet
run in my family. Ba boom.
Oh, Jesus.
Listen. Why don't ya let me
take you away from all this?
You can't keep your itchy fingers
off nothing can ya?
Not even your best friend's girl.
You do an injustice to
my finer feelings, Pamela.
AARGHH!
Style. Smart thinking.
Showmanship.
[CALL FROM AUDITION ROOM]
Mr Gormley.
- Would you join us now, please?
- Will do!
Chuck Berry.
[COUGHING]
- Are you sure you're quite well, Mr Dunn?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Stinking air in this place,
that's all.
Audrey, be a dear and
open a window, would you?
Oh, for God's sake, no, it's all right.
Don't make such a fuss.
- Mr Gormley.
- Hello.
- We like you.
- I see.
- You've no acting experience.
- Well, no.
- Very little acting is called for.
- Exactly.
Well, now. Shall we
take the risk of using you?
- Oh, definitely.
- Well, I think we just might.
Speaking as someone who
only ever gambles on sure things.
Hah, hah! Hah, he's---
Hah, ha---agh! ARGGHH!
[CHOKING NOISES]
Argh...!
- Mr Diamond! Harry!
- Oh, my God.
Harry!
[HE GROANS]
- Audrey...
- Uh!
- ...ring for an ambulance, quick.
- All right.
I'll do it.
Oh, blimey.
[RATTLING COUGH]
Hum.
[HARRY'S GROANING CONTINUES]
Should've known this was
too damn good to last.
[SIREN]
If he dies, I'll bleedin' kill him.
The shit!
- How is he?
- Rather seriously dead, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no.
- Quite.
- Well, God rest him.
- I very much doubt that God will...
...all things considered.
Mr Skinner, I s'pose you'll still be
wanting me for the show?
Mr dear child, when it's curtains for a
producer like Harry Diamond...
...it's curtains for all concerned.
We simply fling ourselves
on the funeral pyre.
There won't be any show.
I don't believe it.
I don't flamin' believe it.
- You say something?
- What?
Oh, no.
No, I didn't.
Stop here.
Are you an idiot?
At the phone.
Wait for me.
At least I'll be well
rid of you, fart face.
[ELECTRO SUSPENSE MUSIC]
[SCREECHING NOTE]
- Stay here, I need cigarettes.
Don't even think about it.
In God's name.
No way.
Style, Larry.
Smart thinking.
Showmanship!
[HE CRUNCHES THE GEARBOX,
TYRES SQUEAL]
[PULSING ELECTRO BEAT]
[TYRES SQUEAL]
No, no, out of your tiny skull!
How can you possibly hope--?
Jesus, God.
[HE STARTS ENGINE AND
CRUNCHES GEARS]
Where are ya? You stupid
soddin' greaseball.
I'm tryin' to give it back to you!
[LETTY OVER RADIO]
Thirty-nine?
- Report in, please, thirty nine. Over.
- Oh, NO!
- Call in, please, Larry. Over.
- Thirty-nine here. Go ahead, Letty.
You well on yer way to
Gatwick, are you Larry? Over.
Still parked in We, Letty. Waiting for
the fare to finish some errands. Over.
[LETTY]
Thank you, thirty-nine.
[LETTY]
Anybody else good for Purley in 'alf hour?
[LETTY - FAINTLY]
Anyone for Purley in 'alf an hour?
[LETTY - FAINTLY]
Any offers, please call in.
Okay, Larry.
You've got the part!
[GUITAR INTRO]
[SINGING]
"The photographer smiles"...
..."Take a break for a while.
Take a rest."
"Do your very best, take five, honey."
"Five, honey."
"Search in your bag,
light up a fag."
"Think it's a drag, but you're
so glad to be alive, honey."
"Live, honey."
"Hey, when this is all over,
you'll be in clover."
"We'll go out and spend all a your"...
..."Blue money, blue money,
blue money, blue money."
"Do do do do you do, Do do do you do,
Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
[SPLASHING SOUND]
"Do do"...
..."Do do do do you do, Do do do you do,
Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
Do-do, do do.
[BACKING VOCALISTS]
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
"Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
"Yeah! Do-do do-you."
- Good evening.
- Hi.
Would that be a single
room or a double, sir?
[ADOPTS AMERICAN ACCENT]
Room, yeah? Really?
I was thinking more in terms of
like, you know, a suite.
[ELECTRONIC BEEP]
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP BEEP]
[CLUNK]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Here, what are you doing?
Ah, you know, uh, just playing
the old fruit machines. Huh.
- Have you seen Larry?
- Not me.
Ah, he's probably out celebrating
the last day as a working man.
Yeah, I expect so.
- You're not worried, are ya?
- Why? Should I be worried?
Well, he's been retreating
into a fantasy world recently.
You know, all that wild nonsense
about auditions and the big time.
I tell ya, it's getting to the point
where every word he utters...
...is either suggestio falsi...
...or suppressio veri.
- Reuben on the rocks.
- Certainly, sir.
King size.
You're American, am I right?
Huh, for sure.
- West Coast, right?
- Wa--?
- West Coast.
- Oh. Yeah, right.
- Right on.
- Oh, ha-hey, that is neat.
I'm Californian too.
I got outta there, though.
I couldn't take that stuff.
All that gaiety.
Goddam gaiety,
everywhere you look!
Ah, parades on the streets,
switch on the television...
...that is what they're selling ya.
To me it's outright degenerate.
Flouncing around in all that
tight leather stuff they wear.
Oh, I see. Ah.
- You mean poofters.
- Huh?
[GAME NOISE]
What I reckon is, he's embarked on
a desperate search for his real identity.
Oh, it's a textbook case.
I swear to God, I actually
saw him drive his cab...
...right into the middle of
a film unit.
With the cameras rolling and
everythin', tryin' to get himself a part.
Oh, it's a clinical case of the
fruit cake syndrome.
- Same again?
- Just because he's worried about money...
...you've got 'im halfway to the loony bin.
Oh, now scarcely that...
...yet.
A rest cure is probably what he needs.
Like going back home to Ireland
for a bit, maybe.
[DRUNKEN SINGING]
"Thank Heaven for little girls"...
..."For little girls get bigger everyday."
Oh, you are real good, Rick!
Hey, listen. How about a little Bing, huh?
[SINGING] "Sometime, wind blows."
[SHE GIGGLES]
"Honeymooners at last alone."
[SHE SIGHS]
Humm.
- Good morning, sir.
- [MUMBLING] Morning.
Are you the gentleman who
ordered all these papers?
- Mmm-humm.
- I'll leave them here, shall I?
- Humm.
- Please sign for them.
Mmm.
- Thank you.
- Hum.
Mmm.
Good morning, sir.
Bye.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Not a dickie bird.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
Larry, where they bloody
hell have you been?
I've been waiting to
hear since yesterday.
Where are you phoning from?
[SINGING]
"Heaven, I'm in Heaven."
"And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak."
- What're you playing at, for God's sake?
I got the part, Pam!
- You what?
- The big one.
They cast me right there on the spot.
I've been celebrating ever since.
I got a bit carried away.
I'm sorry I didn't phone before.
Now, listen.
Come as what?!
I haven't got a favourite movie star.
Ginger who?
Oh, leave it out, Larry,
I can't come as 'er!
[BIG BAND MUSIC]
[FEMALE SINGERS]
"Lou, lou-lou."
"Lou, lou-lou."
"Lou lou, lo lou."
Lou, lou lo lou.
"Lou lou lo lou."
"Lou lou lo lou."
"Lou lou, lo"---
Why, Miss Hart!
Fancy meeting you here.
I feel like a right prune, Larry.
[BAND PLAYS TOP HAT]
You look, if I may so, like
the proverbial cat's whisker.
- Stop shoving me, I wanna talk to you.
- It's all right with me, dearest.
But in the meantime,
shall we dance?
Look, Larry, what in hell
are you playing at?
I mean, did you get the part
in the musical or what?
I got it, Pam. I swear
to God, I got it.
But what?
The next bit you're
not gonna believe.
Well, come on, try me.
The very next thing, after the producer
cast me, he died. Of a heart attack.
Larry, I'm worried about you.
The obituary.
Oh Lar, I'm sorry.
- It's unbelievable.
- The thing is, Pam...
...something else happened after that.
Something even more amazing.
But before I tell you, you've got
to promise to keep your head.
Well, go on.
There was one of the regular
fares I have, driving the Hack.
Every Friday evening,
going to Gatwick.
And here's looking at you, kids.
Oh, no.
Where did you spring from?
I might ask the same question
of our elusive friend here, huh?
You come here often, Larry?
- You haven't introduced us, Bro.
- Ah.
Mea maxima culpa. This
here's Pam and Larry, sweetheart.
- How d'ya do.
- Ha, ha.
You won't believe this, but
she really is called Ingrid.
[MUSIC: STAYIN' ALIVE]
"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man. No time to talk."
"Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around, since I was born."
"And now it's all right, it's okay.
And you may look the other way."
"We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man."
"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive."
"Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'.
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
"Ah, ha, ha, ha"...
- I can't tell you in front of him.
- ..."Stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
- So tell me now!
- "Ah, ha, ha, ha,"
- If he suggests going for a drink after...
..."Stayin' alive."
- ...tell him you're too tired.
I'm getting bloody tired, Larry.
Whatever you do, don't tell
him what hotel I'm staying at.
The thing is, Bro, I'm
feeling terrible tired.
Ah, well, you'd best have
a large one, so.
- Good evening, Mr Lorgano.
- Eh?
I think--- getting me mixed up
with somebody.
Not like a waiter to do that.
Larry's got a star part. In a
musical. In the West End, y'see.
- No such thing, Ingrid.
- Isn't that what the celebration is for?
Ah--- certainly, yeah, but, they've
had to postpone for a while...
...on account of waiting
for a new development.
- And what's that, then?
- Reincarnation.
[THUMP] -
Oh! Rick, hi!
Swell costume. Fred Astaire,
am I right?
- Right.
- Looks T-riffic!
- Mmm hum.
You, er, wanna order some drinks?
- Br-brandies all round, is it?
- Brandy.
- What's this all about?
- "Rick"?
I shall have a cocktail
if it's all the same.
Er, what kind of cocktail
would you like, miss?
Can you do a slow
comfortable screw?
Certainly.
- And three brandies?
- Large.
Fine.
I'm for the loo.
Back in a jiff.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[SHARP PUFF OF AIR]
[THUD]
[URGENT, PULSING MUSIC]
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
PAM: For God's sake, leave me alone.
LARRY: Look, I'll explain later.
PAM: Where are we going?
LARRY: If you'll just contain
yourself for a minute.
Where the bloody 'ell did
you scarper to last night?
Please get in, Pam.
I'll tell ya the whole thing,
I swear.
[ENGINE REVS]
LARRY: How d'ya like the new wagon?
It's a real Cadillac, you know.
I'm in no mood for any more
fun and games, Larry.
Now just what in God's name
do you think you're playing at?
I'm going to tell you. But first you've
got to promise to keep your head.
Me?! You're the one who's
off their tiny head, not me.
Now, prepare yourself for a shock.
It's vital that we both stay calm.
- There's danger involved.
- What is this?!
Okay! Okay.
Underneath your seat there's
a laundry bag. Take it out.
Open it up.
- You great berk!
- There's no need to panic.
You've really gone and landed
us in it this time, haven't you?
It, it's the big break, petal,
I guarantee it.
You've gone and done the one bone-headed
thing you always swore you'd never do!
Listen to me, the guy
practically gave it to me.
We're going to the police
with this right now.
- I have it figured, we can go to Ireland.
- I'm having nothing to do with it...
- ...Larry, whatever it is!
- I've got it all worked out.
- You're insane. They'll kill you too.
- You didn't go to the cops right?
A bloke that can carry that
kind of money.
His bosses obviously
think he took it himself.
They're not gonna stop at anything, are they?
They're probably mafia or something.
Well, he's obviously just a
courier or whatever.
Will you shut up
and think for a minute?
Will ya just try and stay cool!
I ain't going to Ireland
Larry, and that's it.
Why the hell not? Can't you
see it's the ideal solution.
- You know very well why not.
- For cryin' out loud.
Nobody but nobody
would try to shoot you.
I'm English, ain't I? All I gotta
do is open me mouth, bang.
It's not remotely like that, Pam.
Wake up, Larry.
You're never gonna
get away with it.
All you can do is pray that the
law gets to you...
...before the Latin American hit men.
Here it is.
Ex-diplomat murdered.
Mr Raul Ramirez, a former cultural
attache at the Colombian Embassy...
...was killed in a crowded lobby of
London's Grantham Hotel late last night.
Police report that a substantial quantity
of narcotics was found on his person.
Drugs, you see, I knew it.
Look, all you gotta do is dump the
money some place, tip off the police...
- ...and then it'll put you in the clear.
- Pam.
Pam, I'm in the clear.
None of them can possibly
know anything about me.
Well, Ramirez didn't squeal, did he?
But they'll track you down,
won't they?
Not in Dublin they won't.
Well, come on.
Let's get going.
Larry.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
- I can't do other people.
- It's just being a business-woman type.
I can't even do bleedin' Shirley Bassey.
Listen, Pam, once we're out of
here we've got it made.
We can open our own club.
Bring in big-name acts.
Hire a top manager.
We can buy advertising
space in The Stage.
You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?
Well, you gotta admit, it makes a change.
For Christ's sake, Larry!
Because of what you did
a man's been murdered.
An accident of fate, Pam,
same as everything else.
Same as Harry Diamond cashin' in his chips
right in front of me eyes on Friday morning.
We're the victims of fate.
Drifting along in the same groove.
No control over our lives.
You've said as much yourself.
I've had enough of it.
Maybe a man's fate can't be denied.
At least it can be defied.
- You're not stopping for him, are you?
- Smart thinking, Pam.
[CAR HORN TOOTS]
If there is anybody after us,
they'll be looking for a couple, right?
Two more people in the car
could be a shrewd move.
Where ye heading for, pal?
Ah---
[ADOPTS LONDON ACCENT] North Wales.
- Holyhead.
- Fair enough.
Cracked it darlin', don't let me down here.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
- Hi, Des is the name.
This here's Big Olga.
Do you generally bring 'er
along with you, do ya?
Point of fact, this is the first trip we've ever
had together.
Pure magic though, ain't she?
Heh, heh!
It's the only way to travel.
[RUDE NOISES AS AIR ESCAPES
FROM DOLL]
Something wrong
with ye motor, pal?
What? Oh - no.
No, not a thing.
[STARTS ENGINE]
See, it's no easy gettin' lifts when
you're a heavy set sort of punter.
You know, that's where she comes
in handy, with her big tits and that.
Point of fact is, she's got all her belongings,
you know? The full set, no jokin'.
I nicked her fro' that last
joint where I was working.
- Where was this, then?
- Oh, Soho, like - you know.
Aye, they can always use a
thick-set sort of fella...
...break a few heeds fro' time to time
in them joints.
You motor doesnae pull too well,
pal, eh?
[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]
What's your game, then?
Oh, we're both in the
music business, actually.
What singers in bands and that?
- That's right.
- Hey give us a few names I might have heard of.
Well, our par--- Our particular area
is development, you see.
Developing new acts.
From scratch.
Indeed for scratch. That being
the name of our company.
Scratch Records.
Your tryin' it on pal. Who the hell would
ever use a name like Scratch Records?
- Come on.
- We thought it was a nice joke.
- Is that what you think, flower?
- I wasn't consulted.
I think it's daft.
[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]
- Crud all over the carburetor, too.
- Nae problem, it was the plugs.
Try her now.
[ENGINE DOESN'T CATCH]
Maybe it's your electrics?
No, keep turning, she'll start.
[ENGINE DOESN'T CATCH]
You've brought your
washing along, I see.
Pardon?
Oh--- yeah.
[HE KEEPS TURNING THE
ENGINE OVER]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Just a slight mechanical, er,
problem, Officer.
I think we've got it licked.
[SOUND OF HEALTHY
PORSCHE ENGINE]
[HE ASKS QUESTION IN SPANISH]
[HE ANSWERS IN SPANISH]
- Routina.
- Pff.
Routina.
It's always a relief to see
a bobby's arse, eh?
So what's happening in Dublin,
then, pal?
Oh, just a few new acts
we have to check out.
- Sort of a talent raid, you might say.
- Maybe I'll come too, eh?
- Why did you not fly?
- Fly?
What, d'ya mean in a plane?
Well, it would hardly be on a hen's back,
would it?
I thought time was money
to you record executives.
Where does this boat leave fro'?
- Holyhead.
- Great.
Ah.
- We've got to get shot of 'im, Larry.
- Don't worry, I've got an idea.
- You're not gonna finish that, hen?
- No, thanks.
I might as well
relieve you of it then, eh?
Ahum.
- You can have mine too, if you like?
- Nae appetite, eh?
Well, that's what expense-account
living does to you executive types - right?
Actually I have to go to the loo.
[NOISY EATING]
Yeah. I, I think I'll join you.
What, in the ladies' loo?
You'll get ye self arrested, pal.
[LAUGHTER]
- Eureka!
- Oh, great.
You don't delude the mighty
Brogan that easily, Lar.
- Who's your pal?
- Umm.
This is Des.
This is Broderick Borgan, an
associate of ours from Dublin.
Well, how's things in the
music business then, eh?
Search me. Come on, amigos.
What's the scored here, huh?
Why are you all dolled up like that?
There's somethin' cooking.
I can tell. C'mon - give.
- Well, Bro, we're going to Dublin, y'see.
- Yeah, I had actually sussed that, Lar.
- To get married.
- To get what?
You found us out, right enough -
old son.
We were tryin' to keep it quiet,
you know. Just in the family.
Mixing er, pleasure with business.
- Is that a fact?
- What about Fidelma?
Oh, that's all sorted out, no sweat.
Listen, we're just popping out to
phone my mother.
We promised her we would,
you see.
So, we'll be back in a couple o' shakes.
See you in a sec.
Don't look round.
Don't run.
Come on!
For Christ's sake.
[TYRES SQUEAL]
[TYRE SQUEAL]
[BLUE MONEY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SINGING]
"Blue money."
"Blue money"
LARRY: I've got an idea.
They're expecting us
to go to Holyhead.
So why don't we make
it Liverpool instead?
We can get the ferry
tomorrow morning.
Gawd, what I wouldn't give for a
really boring evening in front of the telly.
Bastard.
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
[MURMUR OF CROWD]
[CLOCK TICKING;
VOICES FALL SILENT]
[TICKING GETS LOUDER]
- Good evening.
- Evening.
Would you have a room for tonight?
Double, would it be, sir?
[ADOPTS NORTHERN ACCENT]
Oh, aye. Self and er, wife.
One night only?
That's correct, we'll be leaving for the
Isle of Man in the morning.
Isn't that right love?
- On our holidays, y'see.
- Oh, that will be fine, sir.
If you'd just like to register.
Is the, er...
...restaurant still open?
Oh, well, we've got a dinner
dance on tonight, Mr, er...
...Braithwaite.
They might be able to manage
something if you ask upstairs.
- Better make it right away, though.
- Thanks, lass.
Three six five, you're in.
[CLUNK]
[LIFT WHIRRING]
[BELL DINGS]
- For God's sake, let's get out of here.
- We can't do that, it'd be suspicious.
Which would you prefer, Larry?
Walking out tonight or being
carried out tomorrow morning?
- It's a bit weird all right.
- Weird? It's flaming ghoulish.
Here we are. Three six five.
The restaurant's this way.
Keep walking.
[ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC]
- Hey, Dick, Dick.
- How are you?
- Good to see you again.
- Hello, there.
[CROWD NOISE AND MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway. I should like to thank...
...everyone who has made this Master-Butcher
of the Year award possible.
Ernie, my assistant.
Young Garry, my apprentice.
Stanley from the wholesaler's, who's
always been a tower of strength.
And not forgetting the
lads at the abattoir.
But most important, my
wife and helpmate Hilary.
And I can assure you that we will
both treasure this wonderful trophy.
And we will strive to maintain and improve
on the service in the Liverpool meat trade...
...in the years that lie ahead.
I thank you.
Thank you very much.
[APPLAUSE]
[BACKGROUND MUSIC:
MADNESS - RETURN OF THE LOS PALMAS SEVEN]
Right, that's a pint of stout.
Large vodka and lime...
- ...and how about you, Pam?
- No, it's all right - really.
You're on yer 'olidays.
You can live dangerously.
Well, I could use a brandy.
- Same for you, Larry?
- Much obliged, Dave.
Plus two large brandies.
Two large brandies, thank you.
I've a brother in law in
Manchester, actually.
He's a butcher too. Ancoats way,
Newton Street I think it is.
Perhaps you know his shop?
Oh, well, to tell the truth, we haven't lived
in Manchester properly for some years.
We've been on't road, you see.
On the run, you say?
No--- No. T'road.
On, T'road.
Why, what you been doing, Larry?
Have been wi' t'circus, like?
[LARRY LAUGHS]
Ha, we might just as well have been!
Seeing some of
the clubs we've played.
You mean you do a club act?
- Well ---
- Well, what is it?
- Singing and dancing an' that?
- Yeah.
Singing, and a few impressions.
Well, why did you
not say so sooner?
Oh, that's right. We should've had a cabaret
here, but Gus booked it for t' wrong night.
- Come on, lets be 'aving ya.
- What d'ya mean?
Oh, you'd be really obliging
us if you do it, Pam.
And there might be a few
quid in it for yer an' all, eh?
But, we can't just er... I mean...
We're not even dressed right.
Look, there's nobody concerned. Come
on up onstage and I'll introduce ya.
[MIC FEEDBACK]
If you'll shut yer faces for a minute.
We 'ave a special
surprise for you up 'ere.
Two actual guests stopping at this 'otel,
direct from their international cabaret circuit...
...have consented to entertain
you crowd of 'ooligans.
So I'll say no more.
I'll let them do the rest.
Now, bring 'em onstage,
Pam and Larry Braithwaite.
Now give 'em a big round of applause.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Er, we hope, that you all enjoy
Ray Charles as much as we do.
Because he's our first
special guest tonight.
[AUDIENCE LAUGH]
[PIANO INTRODUCTION]
[SINGING]
"Hit the road, Jack"...
..."And don't you come back no more,
no more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack.
"And don't ya come back no more."
- "What I say."
- "Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more,
no more, no more, no more.
"Hit the road, Jack.
And don't ya come back no more."
"Oh woman, oh woman,
don't ya treat me so mean."
"You're the meanest old woman
I ever did see."
"I guess, if you said so,
I have to pack my backs and go."
"That's right.
Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
"What I say?"
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't you come back"...
..."No more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
"Now baby, listen, baby,
don't treat me this way."
"For I'll be back on
my feet some day."
"Don't care if you do, 'cause it's
understood, you ain't got no money."
- "You just ain't no good."
- "Well, I guess if you say so"...
have pack my things and go."
"That's right.
Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
- "What I say?"
- "Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
You sure this is a Steinway?
- Don't sound like no Steinway to me.
- "Don't ya come back no more."
[SONG ENDS TO APPLAUSE]
More!
[WHISTLES]
- There's nothing to tell.
- Say, give it rest, Bro, fro God's sake.
Look, I'm only tryin' to help ya.
Sod off, then.
You could be in big trouble.
We are with you around.
Fair's fair, now Lar. I got that gorilla
from Glasgow off your back after all.
I mean, I've earned
my quid pro quo.
A quid being the operative
word, am I right?
I mean, I can tell that you have
purloined a few some place...
...and it piques my professional
curiosity.
Just very roughly and
approximately now...
...how many?
Quarter of a million.
Pam!
It's worth it to render him
speechless for once.
[GULP]
[SNORING]
[REFLECTIVE MUSIC]
Where have you been?
Shush.
[SEAGULLS]
Have we got the tickets there?
[CLICK]
That was nae very friendly
what you just did, Larry, son.
I would say a wee apology was
called for, eh?
I'm, I'm terribly s--- sorry, Des.
That's better.
Nae hard feelings, eh?
Tell ye what. I'll even
do ye laundry for ye.
You just hand it over here.
Now we're pals again.
All except you, Paddy, you little Irish shit.
[THUNK]
[MUFFLED SHOUTS]
[ENGINE FAILS TO START]
[DES HUMS]
[CRASH]
What's your game, pal? Hey.
Oh! Oah!
Ooh! Agh---
What d'ya---
Ey, what's your---
[SHIP'S HORN SOUNDS]
Who are those men?
What's happening?
Have the cops got him?
Bastard, ye---
[SHIP'S HORN]
The guy with the thick-set glasses,
he killed Ramirez.
Jesus, lets get out of 'ere.
[DES GRUNTS]
Jesus Christ.
[ENGINE MISFIRES AND STRUGGLES]
You all right, Bro?
If you'd only left it to me, Lar.
- We could've out foxed the bastard.
- What?
And let the other honchos
get us instead? No, thank you.
I'm just glad the bleedin' money's gone.
At least we're safe now.
It isn't gone.
There was just a few
thousand in the laundry bag.
I posted the rest on to
Dublin this morning.
In ten biscuit tins.
Wooo-hoooo! Gloria in excelsis Deo.
Oh, Jesus.
[LAUGHS]
[GUITAR MUSIC INTRO]
"The photographer smiles,
Take a break for a while, take a rest."
"Do your very best.
Take five, honey."
"Five honey."
"Search in your bag.
Light up a fag."
"Think it's a drag, but you're so glad
To be alive, honey."
"Live honey."
"Hey, when this is all over
You'll be in clover."
"We'll go out and spend all a your"...
..."Blue money, blue money,
blue money, blue money."
"Do do you do, do do you do
Do do you do, do do ya love money?"
"Do do."
"Do do do you do, do do you do.
Do do do you do, do do ya love money?"
"Do do, do ya?"
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
"The cameraman smiles.
Take a break for a while."
"Do your best, your very best."
"Take five, honey."
"Take five."
- Just a moment, sir.
- What's your problem?
I'll have to detain you here for
a few minutes. If you don't mind.
I do mind.
I've got things to do.
"Yeah! Do be duh duh."
Are you altogether brainless,
or what?
We could've brought that entire shop.
Nolo contendere, old son.
The fact remains, there's something
that you haven't quite grasped yet.
Well, what?
Money isn't everything, Lar.
[STREET NOISE]
Hey, Bridget.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
Guess who, Ma?
How did you get here?
How ya keeping?
How are you, Mary?
We're all grand, Larry.
We weren't expecting you home.
Did something happen?
Did you lose your job?
I'm doing great.
I'm in the money
- You?
- What money?
I'll tell you later.
First I want you to meet Pam.
Ma, this here's Pam.
Pam.
This is my sister, Mary.
- How do you do.
- Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
So, here we are.
How's Ninian doing
these days, Mary?
Ninian's very well, he's just recently
been called to the bar, you know.
No kidding. Which one was it,
Mooney's?
[NERVOUS GIGGLING]
Just teasing, Mary.
- That's great news.
- How's Fidelma and the children?
Oh.
No complaints.
There's a whole lot of packages
come in the post for you this morning.
Well, I, I might as well pick
them up while I'm here, then.
Hundred and sixty, hundred
and eighty. Two hundred.
How much is that altogether?
A hundred and seventy-three thousand,
nine hundred and forty pounds.
Surprising how quickly it goes,
isn't it?
No, not if you make a habit
of buying luxury yachts it isn't.
Still, we'll hardly run out
for a year or two yet.
Ummm!
Blue money.
[PAM LAUGHS]
Beautiful stuff, isn't it?
Let's get it under wraps.
Just a minute, I've
always wanted to do this.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You're such an old ham.
I never asked that
much from life, Pam.
All I ever really wanted was to be
a star. Ah-hah, hah!
- Gerry'll be delighted to meet ya.
- Just like your mum was.
Me ma's just a bit shy, Pam.
[ELECTRIC ORGAN MUSIC]
Now, Gerry.
"Look at me."
Would ye look who's here!
---"As a kitten."
[LAUGHTER]
The Great One has returned to his home!
Put it there, Mr Manager.
[LAUGHTER]
Brilliant to see ya, Lar.
Will ya look at these
threads he's wearing?
God almighty, four o'clock
in the afternoon as well.
Here's the stuff that'll
render ya speechless.
Huh, I'll second that emotion.
- Are ye staying in town long?
- Oh, a couple a years, anyway.
- You're havin' me on.
- Ha, ha, no.
Pam and me want to
open a club over here.
- Are ya serious?
- Mm.
That's a gas.
I'm dead chuffed.
Here's luck to it.
[GLASSES CLINK]
Cheers.
Ah. You know, I still maintain the best
routine you ever did was Billie Holiday.
- Billie Holiday?
- You mean you've never seen it?
[PAM AND LAR LAUGH]
Oh, yeah, y'see...
...all the jazz heads used to
come round here after hours.
Y'see, your old man McLaverty, he
fancied himself as a bit of a trombonist.
[LARRY GROANS AND LAUGHS]
So your man here used to regale him with his...
...Louis Armstrong or his
Billie Holiday.
[SINGING IN STYLE OF LOUIS ARMSTRONG]
"I loves you, sittin' in there."
All of eighteen and already
wiping the floor with Diana Ross.
Well, er, this is somethin' I've
got to experience.
Ha! Seeing is believin'
come on, head.
- Oh, no, Ger! Hah!
- Get stuck in.
- I've never done it since---
- Cut the cackle and get tore in.
- Come on, me old son. You'll remember.
- No.
Here we go.
[IN STYLE OF BILLIE HOLIDAY]
"I'm gonna love you."
"Like nobody's loved you."
"Come rain or come shine."
"Happy Together."
"Unhappy together."
"Wouldn't it be fine?"
"Days may be cloudy or sunny."
"We're in, or we're out of the runnin'."
"But I'm with you always."
"I'm with you, rain or shine."
[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING]
[CROWD STARTS CHATTERING]
This is the man who's
gonna buy the drinks for us.
Come on, now, buy us a drink.
This is the man with the money.
[CONVERSATION MUTED]
[LARRY LAUGHS]
He says, calm as you like,
"Ma, I've come into a bit of money."
And me thinking he'd won a few
quid at the dogs or something.
And him absconded with enough to keep
us in luxury for the rest of our lives.
[SHE LAUGHS]
Larry, Ninian's here. I think
you'd better talk to him.
Where's Pam got to.
Mar, have you seen her?
Look, it's all right, I'm just after talking
to her. She's upstairs in Mammy's room.
Well then, Lawrence, if we move fast
I'm pretty confident I can get a result.
You're looking very
prosperous, Ninian.
I've secured a few minutes'
grace from the Gerda.
But that's all.
Come out to the yard.
What d'ya mean?
Sure the police here
can't lay a finger on me.
What're you saying?
Well, the government here is very keen at
the moment to cozy up to the English.
They'll be licking their lips already
at the chance to make a...
well-publicised example of your good self.
But I distinctly remember reading
that there was no whatchamacallit...
...extradition, between the two countries.
Not for political of fences there isn't.
Crime's another matter, friend.
Huh, this is Mr McMordie, Lawrence.
I think he can offer you
some invaluable assistance.
How are ya?
What you did was criminal, Gormley.
Robbery, tut tut tut.
[CLANKING]
MCMORDIE: With suspected murder.
LARRY: No, I had nothing to
do with the killing.
MCMORDIE: It's immaterial.
MCMORDIE: What I'm talking about is the
warrant that's out for your arrest.
MCMORDIE: You see, any minute now, the
Garda will be coming in the door to lift you.
But you have one chance.
You can turn what was a crime
into a political of fence.
How?
Very, very easy.
Turn over the money to the
cause for freedom in the North.
The what?
Mr McMordie, is speaking as an
executive member...
...for the Republican movement, Lawrence.
He's prepared to expedite
the transfer of monies...
...and, furthermore, to leave in your
hands an undisclosed cash residue.
You can keep five grand.
I would then lodge an appeal against
the extradition order...
...backed up by Mr McMordie's testimony
that you were acting all along...
...with a political motive.
You would walk out of
the hearing a free man.
No, I can't do that.
I don't think you entirely
understood me, Gormley.
Who do you think fed
your story to the papers?
You see, your South American friends...
...have come to a very suitable
arrangement with us.
You see. We don't like thieving little
gets like you any more than they do.
But we are prepared to give you
a chance you don't deserve.
Turn over the money now...
...and you'll get your
turn to play the hero.
- I'll have to talk it over with Pam.
- There's nothing to talk over, pal.
She was with me.
And anyway, she's got the money.
Well, you'd better get to her fast.
Because if that money is not in
our hands before you're lifted...
...you'll have to answer to us.
On top of everything else.
Excuse me.
- Stay in there.
- For Gawd's sake, Larry.
- Listen, we're in terrible danger.
Wh---
Don't ask, just do
exactly as I tell you.
[LOO FLUSHING]
[SIRENS]
Have you seen Joe?
I think he's up there ahead of you.
[CROWD NOISE]
Excuse me, young man.
[SIREN]
[BLUE MONEY THEME FADES IN]
"Blue money."
"Blue money"
"Do do do-do do, do do do-do do,
Do do do-do do, do do do-do do, do do."
Do-do do do.
[CRASH]
"Do do do-do do, do do do-do do,
Do do do-do do."
LARRY!
Do something, Larry!
Put the brakes on!
BUGGERATION!
I can't stomach any more
of this. I'm going ashore, Larry.
No, Pam, it's too risky.
And I can't eat any more of your
soddin' tinned salmon.
Oh, listen.
Look, just a couple more days so I can
stock up with provisions...
...and then we'll take off, I promise you.
No - now. I'm sick of living
like a ship's rat.
- I'm going now.
- All right!
ALL RIGHT!
I'm coming with you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Here, give us your hand.
Mind how you go.
[EXPLOSION]
JESUS!
- We have to go to the police now.
- We can't, Pam.
- But, Larry, they'll protect us.
- Look, I'll think of something.
Please, for Christ's sake, don't ever
think of anything else ever again.
Shssh.
Ladies and gentlemen, the no-smoking
sign has been switched off.
You may now smoke if you wish.
Bar service is now available.
- Let's have a drink, I'm dying for one.
- Larry!
- Larry.
- Keep walking.
The money's sliding down me legs.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Pull over.
Right, follow those nuns.
You're having a highly colourful
time, Mr Gormley.
Verging on the novelistic,
I might almost say.
Do you believe
any of it, Sergeant?
- Here and there.
- Here and there.
It has a...
...occasional note of veracity.
Otherwise it could go
straight onto the television.
Or is that what you 'ad in
mind for it, Mr Gormley?
- No, no, of course not.
- No?
- Selling it to the press, perhaps?
- NO.
I just want to forget
the whole terrible thing.
I wish I'd never set eyes
on the cursed money.
Do you know what the
fascination of that money is?
That money doesn't
really exist, does it?
H-how d'you mean?
That money doesn't exist,
because there's no record of it.
No entry in any ledger,
or balance sheet.
No bank statement or invoice, receipt
or voucher of any description.
The only life that money
seems to have known is...
...swanning around in briefcases
and laundry bags.
Now, that's what I would call...
...funny money.
I mean, for one thing, the
newspapers seem to imagine there was...
...two 'undred thousand of it.
But look at what's here.
Twenty, is it, Sergeant?
Twenty-four thousand,
three hundred and ten.
Exactly.
I explained to you
what happened.
But then, I mean, the papers.
They are forever printing wild,
unsubstantiated stories, aren't they?
Nah, you can't believe what you read in
the papers, not nowadays.
I s'pose I'll...
...I'll be sent to prison.
Y'see, I think we can 'elp you
in that respect.
What d'ya mean?
You would be willing to render us full
assistance in the identification of the...
...South American gents?
Oh, gladly.
In return for invaluable
aid of that kind...
...Mr Gormley, we could
press for leniency.
Or possibly, possibly, we might even
be tempted to bring no charges at all.
You reckon?
Tell me this, Larry.
What would your response be to the idea of
this non-existent money being applied...
...tacitly and anonymously, of
course, to charitable causes?
Grand.
Because we have a benevolent fund in the
force that would be most grateful indeed...
...for a cash contribution
of that magnitude.
- Take it.
- Sergeant.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
They're elite. Colombians only used me
as a decoy, they're saying I was framed.
[BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN]
You 'ave been, an' all.
Mr Gormley, at last.
I've been hunting you high up and low
down. Where on earth have you been?
And where the hell have you been?
Do you not read the newspapers?
I read The Stage and
Variety - why do you ask?
And there was me
thinking I was famous.
What were you after me for?
I take it you do remember
auditioning for me?
- How could I forget?
- Quite.
Given the circumstances.
However, we now
have new financing.
A new young producer.
Nicaraguan, if you please.
We start rehearsing on the first.
I'd still like you for the part.
If you're free, that is.
Are you free?
Yeah!
I am.
I'm free.
[MUSIC: RIP IT UP]
[SINGING]
"Well, it's Saturday night and I just got paid."
"Fool about money, don't try to save."
"My heart says go, go, have a time."
"it's Saturday night and I feel fine."
"I'm gonna rock it up,
And rip it up."
"I'm gonna shake it up."
"Gonna ball it up."
"I'm gonna rock it up."
"And ball tonight."
[SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE]
"Love me tender, love me sweet."
"Never let me go."
"You have made my life complete,
and I love you so."
"Love me tender, love me true."
"All my dreams fulfilled."
"For, my darling, I love you."
"And I always will."
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]
[MUSIC: SHAKE]
"And if you wanna swing
Just loosen up your shoulders."
"if you wanna really roll,
You got to do the thing with soul."
"Shake it, shake it, with all your might"
"And if you do it, do it right."
"Just make your body loose and light.
Just shake."
"Shake"
"Oh, baby!"
"Shake."
"B- B- Shake."
[MUSIC: MONEY]
"The best things in life are free."
"But you can give 'em to the
birds and bees."
"I want money"
"That's what I want."
"That's want I want."
"That's what I want."
"I need money."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"Your love gives me such a thrill."
"But your love don't pay my bills."
"I need money"
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"it's what I want. Yeah."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"Give me money."
"That's what I want."
"Give me money."
"That's what I want."
"Ah, give me money."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I need."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
[MUSIC ENDS]
[LWT IDENT]
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Come in, forty two, over.
Mind you. I found the Greek language
pretty tricky to pick up, you know.
I was only there a week, of course,
and you never see that much of a...
...country on your honeymoon, do ya?
[LAUGHS]
Great people, though, the Greeks -
oh, yeah. Great gusto.
What about Antony Quinn doing Zorba?
[ADOPTS GREEK ACCENT]
"They said Zorba was mad...
..."but it was the dancing."
"Only the dancing that
stopped the pain."
Oh, yeah,
[LAUGHS]
You have grand singers,
as well.
Your woman with the glasses is
very good.
Er, Nana Mercouri.
Not forgetting our friend the
human mountain, what's his name?
[SINGS] "Love me for ever, and
ever, and I feel the same."
Demis Roussos.
[PIANO INTRO]
[THEME MUSIC]
"Blue Monday, how I hate blue Monday."
"Got to work like a slave all day."
"Here comes Tuesday, Oh,
hard Tuesday."
"I'm so tired, I got no time to play."
"Here comes Wednesday, and I'm
beat to my socks."
"My gal calls,
gotta tell her that I'm out."
"Cause Thursday is a hard workin' day."
"And Friday I get my pay."
"Saturday mornin', oh Saturday mornin'."
"All my tiredness has gone away."
"Got my money and my honey."
"And I'm out on the stand to play."
"Sunday mornin' my head is bad."
"But it's worth it
for the time that I had."
"But I've got to get my rest."
"Cause Monday is next."
"Saturday mornin', oh, Saturday mornin'."
"All my tiredness has gone away."
"I got my money, I got my honey."
"And I'm out on the stand to play."
"Sunday mornin' my head is bad."
"But it's worth it
for the time that I had."
"But I've got to get my rest."
"Cause Monday's a mess."
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Anybody free to pick up a passenger...
[ENGINE STARTS THEN DIES]
...from Euston Station?
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Any odds for the Oval?
[DOOR SHUTS, ENGINE STARTS]
How's the form, Mr Ramirez?
Is it Gatwick again?
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Calling again for the Oval.
Did you see the film on
the box yesterday?
Carmen Miranda, Oh.
Singing away great gases...
...most of a grocer's shop on her head.
- "I-yi-yi-yi-yi love you very"---
- I told you last week.
No jokes, no songs, no chit chat.
You drive, hey?
You're the boss, amigo.
Stay here.
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Nothing, over. Anybody for the Oval?
Scummy little dago.
[ROCK 'N' ROLL INTRO]
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!
I'm gonna be a wheel someday."
"I'm gonna be somebody."
"I'm gonna be a real gone cat."
"Then I won't want you."
"Everything's gonna go my way."
"I won't need nobody."
[MUSIC STOPS]
"---by, I'm gonna be a re--"
Move.
You won't got short, I swear to God.
I'll have the redundancy money.
And that'll take care of your
payments until...
...I get my career in showbusiness
really off the ground.
[SNIFFS]
Fidelma...
...the kids get their shoes.
- He got tar on 'is.
- Sod off, you.
First day 'e wore 'em.
- Weren't tar, it was oil.
- Ruined 'em, 'e did.
[WOMAN SINGS]
"This year I'm off to sunny Spain."
"Y Viva Espana."
Da da, dah, dah da dah, dah da dah.
Thirty-nine on the line.
[WOMAN OVER RADIO]
Come in, thirty-nine. Over.
Proceeding homeward, Letty.
You can start mixing the drinks, sugar.
Larry, can you get some
teabags on your way in, dear?
Teabags? I'm working out the last week
of my notice, darlin'.
I won't be around to drink any tea.
Let somebody still in
employment get the teabags.
STOP!
- Melanie, a car's got through.
- Well, is it Tetley's you want, or what?
Much obliged, Larry.
Think nothing of it.
Stand by, and...
...action!
[BIKE STARTS AND REVS]
[GUNSHOT]
[BIKE REVS]
Suffering Jesus!
[TYRES SQUEAL]
Oh!
[PAINED GROANING]
We're still running.
Uh--! If this is some clever dick's idea of
creative directing...!
- Cut.
- We've cut.
Look, will you listen - it, it's not real.
It's make-believe, it's pretend!
It's, it's television, dear!
- Excuse me.
- How are ya?
- We're with the BBC.
- You are not!
[CRASH]
Oh!
- Honest to God?
- Mm. Quite.
Now, how you happened into this I don't know.
But the sooner you clear your car away,
the quicker we can do another take.
- Right?
- Huh.
Okay, places again, everybody.
Er, are you the director, are you?
No, the director is over there.
See?
The man with the big vein
swelling up in his forehead.
Oh! Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Er, what class of a
show is this, anyway?
If you go to the end of the street
and join those other onlookers there...
...they'll be able to tell you all about it.
- All right.
- Only I'm in the business myself.
- In a, in a manner of speaking.
- Yeah, well - bye.
Right.
Better luck with the viewing figures.
I couldn't stop him, Melanie,
he almost killed me.
You all right?
[MARKET TRADERS' SHOUTS,
VOICES OVER RADIO]
He was in Game for a Laugh,
that one.
What 'im doing?
Well, I never.
[HUMMING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[BEEP, BEEP BEEP]
[BEEEEEP]
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP]
[LABOURED BREATHING]
[BEEEEEP]
[HE GASPS]
[ENGINE WHINES]
Hey!
Brogan.
Are you heading home?
- Do you want a lift?
- Jesus, Lar!
Is it you, man?
You put me old heart in me mouth!
What has you so jumpy?
Just drive, will ya.
You're still tryin' to break into
the movies, I see.
- I'd no idea they were making a film.
- Ah, come on.
You were definitely
looking the part.
I don't even do acting - as you know.
I do impressions.
[SINGING]
"Since my baby left me"
"I've found a new place to dwell."
"It's down at the end of Lonely Street,
It's called Heartbreak Hotel."
"I feel so lonely, baby."
"I feel so lonely."
"I feel so lonely"
"I could die."
"Although it's always crowded,
you still can find some room"...
..."For broken hearted lovers"...
[BURP]
..."To cry away their gloom."
- "You make me so lonely, baby"
- Come on, what are ya drinkin'?
- No, I'd better wait until I've done me act.
- Ah, you're jokin'.
- "They've been so long on Lonely Street"...
- Take a look at the punters.
- ..."They ain't ever gonna look back."
- Gin and tonic, please.
"I feel so lonely, baby."
"Ever so lonely."
"Ever so lonely"
"I could die."
Let's hear it for Larry Gormley, folks.
He's come a long way from Artane.
But then, who wouldn't?
[SPARSE CLAPPING]
[WHISTLING]
Thank you.
And now we've another old favourite.
The Lady with the Voice of a Lark...
...the bewitching and talented
Miss Pam Hodge.
[ROGAN SHOUTS]
Oh, yeah! Good on ya, Pamela.
- Evening, precious.
- Not much doing tonight, is there?
- Get out there and kill 'em dead.
- That's the last thing they need.
[BUTTON CLICKS;
BACKING TAPE STARTS]
"Take the ribbon from your hair."
"Shake it loose, and let it fall."
- "Laying soft"...
- How was I?
- ..."upon my skin."
- What? Oh.
Ace, man, you were goin' a blinder.
- They're terrible quiet.
- Ya have 'em stunned into submission.
- How's Fidelma?
- Don't ask.
Listen, if you're ever
short of a few quid.
I don't take other people's
money, Bro, you know that.
- So how're you proposing to live?
- Don't worry about me.
- I've something really big brewing for me.
- Look, listen to me, Lar---
- I'm just not at liberty to divulge it.
- Never mind that.
What is it, anyway?
I'm just not at liberty.
Never mind.
Contemplate instead, if you will...
...five hundred green ones, clutched
tight in those hot little hands.
- How's it feel, huh?
- Bent.
You never even leave the cab,
I promise ya.
It's just driving the cab...
- ...same as you do everyday.
- I live by a certain code, Bro.
Ah, for Jesus' sake.
- I'll be in the money, all right.
- Not the three S's, for pity's sake.
I'll be in the money, all right.
But I'll get it by doing what
I want to do.
That racket?
You've been getting nowhere
for ten years, for Christ's sake, Lar.
Carpe diem.
I mean, every wag in town is an
impressionist. Wise up, will ya?
Style. Smart thinking.
Showmanship.
- I knew it.
- That's what it takes, that's what I've got.
You're an aggravating gobshite,
do ya know that?
But westward, look, the land is bright.
Sic transit gloria mundi, Lar.
Nil desperandum, Bro.
- "And it's sad"...
..."to be alone."
"Help me make it through the night."
"Ooh, hoo. Through the night."
"Ooh, hoo. Through the night."
"Ooh, hoo"
"Through the night."
You know whose feast day
it is today, I hope?
- Saint Aloysius Gonzaga.
- Well done, Una.
And Saint Aloysius Gonzaga
wants us to be nice to Daddy.
No matter what all he
may have done to us.
When Daddy goes to Hell a worm will crawl
through his belly button and eat his liver.
- You're disgusting!
- Shut up.
Well, maybe if we three pray
really hard for Daddy to repent...
...he'll get to go along with
us to Heaven even yet.
Pam won't though - she's a heathen.
- How do you know?
- She comes from Africa, don't she?
No, she don't, she comes
from Kennington.
Now, Barney, you mustn't
say unkind things to Pam...
...regardless of what she is. She and Daddy
are very good chums with each other.
I'll say.
[DOOR BELL RINGS]
Remember what Father
Maguire told you.
God loves even the blackest sinner.
And so must we.
Including Daddy and Pam.
Hello, Fidelma.
- Shall I come in?
- The children are prepared for you.
[CAR HORN TOOTS]
- Pam?
- That'll be one pound sixty-nine, please.
- Yeah?
- Will you and Daddy get married?
- No, I shouldn't think so.
- Do you think he's going to Hell?
Yeah, he is a bit, just recently.
Thanks.
What happens if you don't get this job?
I've got to get it.
So I can get it.
Let's be honest, Larry. You're good,
but you're not good enough.
I mean, you're never
gonna top anybody's bill.
The part specifically calls for an
Irish mimic who's a rock 'n' roll freak.
Which is down to me and Denny
Dirkin, and I happen to know...
...that Denny Dirkin is in traction
with a displaced coccyx.
Ah, come on love, they're gonna be
swarming out of the woodwork.
Well, they wouldn't have asked me back
if they weren't keen, now, would they?
It's the West End, Pam.
It's a big budget musical.
It's the chance I've been waiting for,
I just know I am going to make it.
I've got to make it.
- There's no alternative.
- Well, that's what I'm worried about.
[MUSIC: ROLLING STONES' SATISFACTION]
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"I can't get no satisfaction."
"And I try, and I try, and I try, and I try."
"I can't get no, no no no."
"When I'm driving in my car."
"And that man comes on the radio.
Telling me more and more"...
..."About some useless information,
s'posed to fire my imagination."
"I can't get no, no no no."
"Hey, hey".
There's nothing---
"I can't get no."
"I can't get no."
"I can't get no."
"Satisfaction."
[THUMP]
Is this yours?
Oh, she seemed that important---
Would you mind awfully waiting outside
for a few minutes, Mr Gormley?
Em, certainly, no problem.
We just need to put our heads
together for a mo, all right?
Game ball.
You give us a shout, like,
when you're all finished.
I should imagine we probably will, yes.
Right, is that his real name?
What, Gormley?
Isn't it well that Larry's a blind optimist.
I mean, he'd need to be,
in his position.
A great comfort you are, Bro.
The point being, Pam...
...Larry and I have known each other
since we were both in nappies.
And a decenter skin you'd never meet.
- But I have to warn ya, a born loser.
- Well you're the expert on that, Bro.
Nolle prosequi, Pam.
You have a very soft touch, Pamela.
Duurrgh!
Once you've done the plates of meat, how
about investigating the rest of me, huh?
Your feet are chronic enough, thanks.
Ah, well, you see, bad feet
run in my family. Ba boom.
Oh, Jesus.
Listen. Why don't ya let me
take you away from all this?
You can't keep your itchy fingers
off nothing can ya?
Not even your best friend's girl.
You do an injustice to
my finer feelings, Pamela.
AARGHH!
Style. Smart thinking.
Showmanship.
[CALL FROM AUDITION ROOM]
Mr Gormley.
- Would you join us now, please?
- Will do!
Chuck Berry.
[COUGHING]
- Are you sure you're quite well, Mr Dunn?
- Yes, yes, yes.
Stinking air in this place,
that's all.
Audrey, be a dear and
open a window, would you?
Oh, for God's sake, no, it's all right.
Don't make such a fuss.
- Mr Gormley.
- Hello.
- We like you.
- I see.
- You've no acting experience.
- Well, no.
- Very little acting is called for.
- Exactly.
Well, now. Shall we
take the risk of using you?
- Oh, definitely.
- Well, I think we just might.
Speaking as someone who
only ever gambles on sure things.
Hah, hah! Hah, he's---
Hah, ha---agh! ARGGHH!
[CHOKING NOISES]
Argh...!
- Mr Diamond! Harry!
- Oh, my God.
Harry!
[HE GROANS]
- Audrey...
- Uh!
- ...ring for an ambulance, quick.
- All right.
I'll do it.
Oh, blimey.
[RATTLING COUGH]
Hum.
[HARRY'S GROANING CONTINUES]
Should've known this was
too damn good to last.
[SIREN]
If he dies, I'll bleedin' kill him.
The shit!
- How is he?
- Rather seriously dead, I'm afraid.
- Oh, no.
- Quite.
- Well, God rest him.
- I very much doubt that God will...
...all things considered.
Mr Skinner, I s'pose you'll still be
wanting me for the show?
Mr dear child, when it's curtains for a
producer like Harry Diamond...
...it's curtains for all concerned.
We simply fling ourselves
on the funeral pyre.
There won't be any show.
I don't believe it.
I don't flamin' believe it.
- You say something?
- What?
Oh, no.
No, I didn't.
Stop here.
Are you an idiot?
At the phone.
Wait for me.
At least I'll be well
rid of you, fart face.
[ELECTRO SUSPENSE MUSIC]
[SCREECHING NOTE]
- Stay here, I need cigarettes.
Don't even think about it.
In God's name.
No way.
Style, Larry.
Smart thinking.
Showmanship!
[HE CRUNCHES THE GEARBOX,
TYRES SQUEAL]
[PULSING ELECTRO BEAT]
[TYRES SQUEAL]
No, no, out of your tiny skull!
How can you possibly hope--?
Jesus, God.
[HE STARTS ENGINE AND
CRUNCHES GEARS]
Where are ya? You stupid
soddin' greaseball.
I'm tryin' to give it back to you!
[LETTY OVER RADIO]
Thirty-nine?
- Report in, please, thirty nine. Over.
- Oh, NO!
- Call in, please, Larry. Over.
- Thirty-nine here. Go ahead, Letty.
You well on yer way to
Gatwick, are you Larry? Over.
Still parked in We, Letty. Waiting for
the fare to finish some errands. Over.
[LETTY]
Thank you, thirty-nine.
[LETTY]
Anybody else good for Purley in 'alf hour?
[LETTY - FAINTLY]
Anyone for Purley in 'alf an hour?
[LETTY - FAINTLY]
Any offers, please call in.
Okay, Larry.
You've got the part!
[GUITAR INTRO]
[SINGING]
"The photographer smiles"...
..."Take a break for a while.
Take a rest."
"Do your very best, take five, honey."
"Five, honey."
"Search in your bag,
light up a fag."
"Think it's a drag, but you're
so glad to be alive, honey."
"Live, honey."
"Hey, when this is all over,
you'll be in clover."
"We'll go out and spend all a your"...
..."Blue money, blue money,
blue money, blue money."
"Do do do do you do, Do do do you do,
Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
[SPLASHING SOUND]
"Do do"...
..."Do do do do you do, Do do do you do,
Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
Do-do, do do.
[BACKING VOCALISTS]
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
"Do do do you do, do do do ya love money?"
"Yeah! Do-do do-you."
- Good evening.
- Hi.
Would that be a single
room or a double, sir?
[ADOPTS AMERICAN ACCENT]
Room, yeah? Really?
I was thinking more in terms of
like, you know, a suite.
[ELECTRONIC BEEP]
[BEEP, BEEP, BEEP BEEP]
[CLUNK]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Here, what are you doing?
Ah, you know, uh, just playing
the old fruit machines. Huh.
- Have you seen Larry?
- Not me.
Ah, he's probably out celebrating
the last day as a working man.
Yeah, I expect so.
- You're not worried, are ya?
- Why? Should I be worried?
Well, he's been retreating
into a fantasy world recently.
You know, all that wild nonsense
about auditions and the big time.
I tell ya, it's getting to the point
where every word he utters...
...is either suggestio falsi...
...or suppressio veri.
- Reuben on the rocks.
- Certainly, sir.
King size.
You're American, am I right?
Huh, for sure.
- West Coast, right?
- Wa--?
- West Coast.
- Oh. Yeah, right.
- Right on.
- Oh, ha-hey, that is neat.
I'm Californian too.
I got outta there, though.
I couldn't take that stuff.
All that gaiety.
Goddam gaiety,
everywhere you look!
Ah, parades on the streets,
switch on the television...
...that is what they're selling ya.
To me it's outright degenerate.
Flouncing around in all that
tight leather stuff they wear.
Oh, I see. Ah.
- You mean poofters.
- Huh?
[GAME NOISE]
What I reckon is, he's embarked on
a desperate search for his real identity.
Oh, it's a textbook case.
I swear to God, I actually
saw him drive his cab...
...right into the middle of
a film unit.
With the cameras rolling and
everythin', tryin' to get himself a part.
Oh, it's a clinical case of the
fruit cake syndrome.
- Same again?
- Just because he's worried about money...
...you've got 'im halfway to the loony bin.
Oh, now scarcely that...
...yet.
A rest cure is probably what he needs.
Like going back home to Ireland
for a bit, maybe.
[DRUNKEN SINGING]
"Thank Heaven for little girls"...
..."For little girls get bigger everyday."
Oh, you are real good, Rick!
Hey, listen. How about a little Bing, huh?
[SINGING] "Sometime, wind blows."
[SHE GIGGLES]
"Honeymooners at last alone."
[SHE SIGHS]
Humm.
- Good morning, sir.
- [MUMBLING] Morning.
Are you the gentleman who
ordered all these papers?
- Mmm-humm.
- I'll leave them here, shall I?
- Humm.
- Please sign for them.
Mmm.
- Thank you.
- Hum.
Mmm.
Good morning, sir.
Bye.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Not a dickie bird.
[PHONE RINGING]
Yeah?
Larry, where they bloody
hell have you been?
I've been waiting to
hear since yesterday.
Where are you phoning from?
[SINGING]
"Heaven, I'm in Heaven."
"And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak."
- What're you playing at, for God's sake?
I got the part, Pam!
- You what?
- The big one.
They cast me right there on the spot.
I've been celebrating ever since.
I got a bit carried away.
I'm sorry I didn't phone before.
Now, listen.
Come as what?!
I haven't got a favourite movie star.
Ginger who?
Oh, leave it out, Larry,
I can't come as 'er!
[BIG BAND MUSIC]
[FEMALE SINGERS]
"Lou, lou-lou."
"Lou, lou-lou."
"Lou lou, lo lou."
Lou, lou lo lou.
"Lou lou lo lou."
"Lou lou lo lou."
"Lou lou, lo"---
Why, Miss Hart!
Fancy meeting you here.
I feel like a right prune, Larry.
[BAND PLAYS TOP HAT]
You look, if I may so, like
the proverbial cat's whisker.
- Stop shoving me, I wanna talk to you.
- It's all right with me, dearest.
But in the meantime,
shall we dance?
Look, Larry, what in hell
are you playing at?
I mean, did you get the part
in the musical or what?
I got it, Pam. I swear
to God, I got it.
But what?
The next bit you're
not gonna believe.
Well, come on, try me.
The very next thing, after the producer
cast me, he died. Of a heart attack.
Larry, I'm worried about you.
The obituary.
Oh Lar, I'm sorry.
- It's unbelievable.
- The thing is, Pam...
...something else happened after that.
Something even more amazing.
But before I tell you, you've got
to promise to keep your head.
Well, go on.
There was one of the regular
fares I have, driving the Hack.
Every Friday evening,
going to Gatwick.
And here's looking at you, kids.
Oh, no.
Where did you spring from?
I might ask the same question
of our elusive friend here, huh?
You come here often, Larry?
- You haven't introduced us, Bro.
- Ah.
Mea maxima culpa. This
here's Pam and Larry, sweetheart.
- How d'ya do.
- Ha, ha.
You won't believe this, but
she really is called Ingrid.
[MUSIC: STAYIN' ALIVE]
"Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,
I'm a woman's man. No time to talk."
"Music loud and women warm,
I've been kicked around, since I was born."
"And now it's all right, it's okay.
And you may look the other way."
"We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man."
"Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive."
"Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'.
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
"Ah, ha, ha, ha"...
- I can't tell you in front of him.
- ..."Stayin' alive, stayin' alive"
- So tell me now!
- "Ah, ha, ha, ha,"
- If he suggests going for a drink after...
..."Stayin' alive."
- ...tell him you're too tired.
I'm getting bloody tired, Larry.
Whatever you do, don't tell
him what hotel I'm staying at.
The thing is, Bro, I'm
feeling terrible tired.
Ah, well, you'd best have
a large one, so.
- Good evening, Mr Lorgano.
- Eh?
I think--- getting me mixed up
with somebody.
Not like a waiter to do that.
Larry's got a star part. In a
musical. In the West End, y'see.
- No such thing, Ingrid.
- Isn't that what the celebration is for?
Ah--- certainly, yeah, but, they've
had to postpone for a while...
...on account of waiting
for a new development.
- And what's that, then?
- Reincarnation.
[THUMP] -
Oh! Rick, hi!
Swell costume. Fred Astaire,
am I right?
- Right.
- Looks T-riffic!
- Mmm hum.
You, er, wanna order some drinks?
- Br-brandies all round, is it?
- Brandy.
- What's this all about?
- "Rick"?
I shall have a cocktail
if it's all the same.
Er, what kind of cocktail
would you like, miss?
Can you do a slow
comfortable screw?
Certainly.
- And three brandies?
- Large.
Fine.
I'm for the loo.
Back in a jiff.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[SHARP PUFF OF AIR]
[THUD]
[URGENT, PULSING MUSIC]
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
PAM: For God's sake, leave me alone.
LARRY: Look, I'll explain later.
PAM: Where are we going?
LARRY: If you'll just contain
yourself for a minute.
Where the bloody 'ell did
you scarper to last night?
Please get in, Pam.
I'll tell ya the whole thing,
I swear.
[ENGINE REVS]
LARRY: How d'ya like the new wagon?
It's a real Cadillac, you know.
I'm in no mood for any more
fun and games, Larry.
Now just what in God's name
do you think you're playing at?
I'm going to tell you. But first you've
got to promise to keep your head.
Me?! You're the one who's
off their tiny head, not me.
Now, prepare yourself for a shock.
It's vital that we both stay calm.
- There's danger involved.
- What is this?!
Okay! Okay.
Underneath your seat there's
a laundry bag. Take it out.
Open it up.
- You great berk!
- There's no need to panic.
You've really gone and landed
us in it this time, haven't you?
It, it's the big break, petal,
I guarantee it.
You've gone and done the one bone-headed
thing you always swore you'd never do!
Listen to me, the guy
practically gave it to me.
We're going to the police
with this right now.
- I have it figured, we can go to Ireland.
- I'm having nothing to do with it...
- ...Larry, whatever it is!
- I've got it all worked out.
- You're insane. They'll kill you too.
- You didn't go to the cops right?
A bloke that can carry that
kind of money.
His bosses obviously
think he took it himself.
They're not gonna stop at anything, are they?
They're probably mafia or something.
Well, he's obviously just a
courier or whatever.
Will you shut up
and think for a minute?
Will ya just try and stay cool!
I ain't going to Ireland
Larry, and that's it.
Why the hell not? Can't you
see it's the ideal solution.
- You know very well why not.
- For cryin' out loud.
Nobody but nobody
would try to shoot you.
I'm English, ain't I? All I gotta
do is open me mouth, bang.
It's not remotely like that, Pam.
Wake up, Larry.
You're never gonna
get away with it.
All you can do is pray that the
law gets to you...
...before the Latin American hit men.
Here it is.
Ex-diplomat murdered.
Mr Raul Ramirez, a former cultural
attache at the Colombian Embassy...
...was killed in a crowded lobby of
London's Grantham Hotel late last night.
Police report that a substantial quantity
of narcotics was found on his person.
Drugs, you see, I knew it.
Look, all you gotta do is dump the
money some place, tip off the police...
- ...and then it'll put you in the clear.
- Pam.
Pam, I'm in the clear.
None of them can possibly
know anything about me.
Well, Ramirez didn't squeal, did he?
But they'll track you down,
won't they?
Not in Dublin they won't.
Well, come on.
Let's get going.
Larry.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
- I can't do other people.
- It's just being a business-woman type.
I can't even do bleedin' Shirley Bassey.
Listen, Pam, once we're out of
here we've got it made.
We can open our own club.
Bring in big-name acts.
Hire a top manager.
We can buy advertising
space in The Stage.
You're actually enjoying this, aren't you?
Well, you gotta admit, it makes a change.
For Christ's sake, Larry!
Because of what you did
a man's been murdered.
An accident of fate, Pam,
same as everything else.
Same as Harry Diamond cashin' in his chips
right in front of me eyes on Friday morning.
We're the victims of fate.
Drifting along in the same groove.
No control over our lives.
You've said as much yourself.
I've had enough of it.
Maybe a man's fate can't be denied.
At least it can be defied.
- You're not stopping for him, are you?
- Smart thinking, Pam.
[CAR HORN TOOTS]
If there is anybody after us,
they'll be looking for a couple, right?
Two more people in the car
could be a shrewd move.
Where ye heading for, pal?
Ah---
[ADOPTS LONDON ACCENT] North Wales.
- Holyhead.
- Fair enough.
Cracked it darlin', don't let me down here.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
- Hi, Des is the name.
This here's Big Olga.
Do you generally bring 'er
along with you, do ya?
Point of fact, this is the first trip we've ever
had together.
Pure magic though, ain't she?
Heh, heh!
It's the only way to travel.
[RUDE NOISES AS AIR ESCAPES
FROM DOLL]
Something wrong
with ye motor, pal?
What? Oh - no.
No, not a thing.
[STARTS ENGINE]
See, it's no easy gettin' lifts when
you're a heavy set sort of punter.
You know, that's where she comes
in handy, with her big tits and that.
Point of fact is, she's got all her belongings,
you know? The full set, no jokin'.
I nicked her fro' that last
joint where I was working.
- Where was this, then?
- Oh, Soho, like - you know.
Aye, they can always use a
thick-set sort of fella...
...break a few heeds fro' time to time
in them joints.
You motor doesnae pull too well,
pal, eh?
[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]
What's your game, then?
Oh, we're both in the
music business, actually.
What singers in bands and that?
- That's right.
- Hey give us a few names I might have heard of.
Well, our par--- Our particular area
is development, you see.
Developing new acts.
From scratch.
Indeed for scratch. That being
the name of our company.
Scratch Records.
Your tryin' it on pal. Who the hell would
ever use a name like Scratch Records?
- Come on.
- We thought it was a nice joke.
- Is that what you think, flower?
- I wasn't consulted.
I think it's daft.
[ENGINE SPLUTTERS]
- Crud all over the carburetor, too.
- Nae problem, it was the plugs.
Try her now.
[ENGINE DOESN'T CATCH]
Maybe it's your electrics?
No, keep turning, she'll start.
[ENGINE DOESN'T CATCH]
You've brought your
washing along, I see.
Pardon?
Oh--- yeah.
[HE KEEPS TURNING THE
ENGINE OVER]
[FOOTSTEPS]
Just a slight mechanical, er,
problem, Officer.
I think we've got it licked.
[SOUND OF HEALTHY
PORSCHE ENGINE]
[HE ASKS QUESTION IN SPANISH]
[HE ANSWERS IN SPANISH]
- Routina.
- Pff.
Routina.
It's always a relief to see
a bobby's arse, eh?
So what's happening in Dublin,
then, pal?
Oh, just a few new acts
we have to check out.
- Sort of a talent raid, you might say.
- Maybe I'll come too, eh?
- Why did you not fly?
- Fly?
What, d'ya mean in a plane?
Well, it would hardly be on a hen's back,
would it?
I thought time was money
to you record executives.
Where does this boat leave fro'?
- Holyhead.
- Great.
Ah.
- We've got to get shot of 'im, Larry.
- Don't worry, I've got an idea.
- You're not gonna finish that, hen?
- No, thanks.
I might as well
relieve you of it then, eh?
Ahum.
- You can have mine too, if you like?
- Nae appetite, eh?
Well, that's what expense-account
living does to you executive types - right?
Actually I have to go to the loo.
[NOISY EATING]
Yeah. I, I think I'll join you.
What, in the ladies' loo?
You'll get ye self arrested, pal.
[LAUGHTER]
- Eureka!
- Oh, great.
You don't delude the mighty
Brogan that easily, Lar.
- Who's your pal?
- Umm.
This is Des.
This is Broderick Borgan, an
associate of ours from Dublin.
Well, how's things in the
music business then, eh?
Search me. Come on, amigos.
What's the scored here, huh?
Why are you all dolled up like that?
There's somethin' cooking.
I can tell. C'mon - give.
- Well, Bro, we're going to Dublin, y'see.
- Yeah, I had actually sussed that, Lar.
- To get married.
- To get what?
You found us out, right enough -
old son.
We were tryin' to keep it quiet,
you know. Just in the family.
Mixing er, pleasure with business.
- Is that a fact?
- What about Fidelma?
Oh, that's all sorted out, no sweat.
Listen, we're just popping out to
phone my mother.
We promised her we would,
you see.
So, we'll be back in a couple o' shakes.
See you in a sec.
Don't look round.
Don't run.
Come on!
For Christ's sake.
[TYRES SQUEAL]
[TYRE SQUEAL]
[BLUE MONEY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]
[SINGING]
"Blue money."
"Blue money"
LARRY: I've got an idea.
They're expecting us
to go to Holyhead.
So why don't we make
it Liverpool instead?
We can get the ferry
tomorrow morning.
Gawd, what I wouldn't give for a
really boring evening in front of the telly.
Bastard.
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
[MURMUR OF CROWD]
[CLOCK TICKING;
VOICES FALL SILENT]
[TICKING GETS LOUDER]
- Good evening.
- Evening.
Would you have a room for tonight?
Double, would it be, sir?
[ADOPTS NORTHERN ACCENT]
Oh, aye. Self and er, wife.
One night only?
That's correct, we'll be leaving for the
Isle of Man in the morning.
Isn't that right love?
- On our holidays, y'see.
- Oh, that will be fine, sir.
If you'd just like to register.
Is the, er...
...restaurant still open?
Oh, well, we've got a dinner
dance on tonight, Mr, er...
...Braithwaite.
They might be able to manage
something if you ask upstairs.
- Better make it right away, though.
- Thanks, lass.
Three six five, you're in.
[CLUNK]
[LIFT WHIRRING]
[BELL DINGS]
- For God's sake, let's get out of here.
- We can't do that, it'd be suspicious.
Which would you prefer, Larry?
Walking out tonight or being
carried out tomorrow morning?
- It's a bit weird all right.
- Weird? It's flaming ghoulish.
Here we are. Three six five.
The restaurant's this way.
Keep walking.
[ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC]
- Hey, Dick, Dick.
- How are you?
- Good to see you again.
- Hello, there.
[CROWD NOISE AND MUSIC]
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway. I should like to thank...
...everyone who has made this Master-Butcher
of the Year award possible.
Ernie, my assistant.
Young Garry, my apprentice.
Stanley from the wholesaler's, who's
always been a tower of strength.
And not forgetting the
lads at the abattoir.
But most important, my
wife and helpmate Hilary.
And I can assure you that we will
both treasure this wonderful trophy.
And we will strive to maintain and improve
on the service in the Liverpool meat trade...
...in the years that lie ahead.
I thank you.
Thank you very much.
[APPLAUSE]
[BACKGROUND MUSIC:
MADNESS - RETURN OF THE LOS PALMAS SEVEN]
Right, that's a pint of stout.
Large vodka and lime...
- ...and how about you, Pam?
- No, it's all right - really.
You're on yer 'olidays.
You can live dangerously.
Well, I could use a brandy.
- Same for you, Larry?
- Much obliged, Dave.
Plus two large brandies.
Two large brandies, thank you.
I've a brother in law in
Manchester, actually.
He's a butcher too. Ancoats way,
Newton Street I think it is.
Perhaps you know his shop?
Oh, well, to tell the truth, we haven't lived
in Manchester properly for some years.
We've been on't road, you see.
On the run, you say?
No--- No. T'road.
On, T'road.
Why, what you been doing, Larry?
Have been wi' t'circus, like?
[LARRY LAUGHS]
Ha, we might just as well have been!
Seeing some of
the clubs we've played.
You mean you do a club act?
- Well ---
- Well, what is it?
- Singing and dancing an' that?
- Yeah.
Singing, and a few impressions.
Well, why did you
not say so sooner?
Oh, that's right. We should've had a cabaret
here, but Gus booked it for t' wrong night.
- Come on, lets be 'aving ya.
- What d'ya mean?
Oh, you'd be really obliging
us if you do it, Pam.
And there might be a few
quid in it for yer an' all, eh?
But, we can't just er... I mean...
We're not even dressed right.
Look, there's nobody concerned. Come
on up onstage and I'll introduce ya.
[MIC FEEDBACK]
If you'll shut yer faces for a minute.
We 'ave a special
surprise for you up 'ere.
Two actual guests stopping at this 'otel,
direct from their international cabaret circuit...
...have consented to entertain
you crowd of 'ooligans.
So I'll say no more.
I'll let them do the rest.
Now, bring 'em onstage,
Pam and Larry Braithwaite.
Now give 'em a big round of applause.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Er, we hope, that you all enjoy
Ray Charles as much as we do.
Because he's our first
special guest tonight.
[AUDIENCE LAUGH]
[PIANO INTRODUCTION]
[SINGING]
"Hit the road, Jack"...
..."And don't you come back no more,
no more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack.
"And don't ya come back no more."
- "What I say."
- "Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more,
no more, no more, no more.
"Hit the road, Jack.
And don't ya come back no more."
"Oh woman, oh woman,
don't ya treat me so mean."
"You're the meanest old woman
I ever did see."
"I guess, if you said so,
I have to pack my backs and go."
"That's right.
Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
"What I say?"
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't you come back"...
..."No more, no more, no more, no more.
Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
"Now baby, listen, baby,
don't treat me this way."
"For I'll be back on
my feet some day."
"Don't care if you do, 'cause it's
understood, you ain't got no money."
- "You just ain't no good."
- "Well, I guess if you say so"...
have pack my things and go."
"That's right.
Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
- "What I say?"
- "Hit the road, Jack."
"Don't you come back no more, no
more, no more, no more."
"Hit the road, Jack."
"And don't ya come back no more."
You sure this is a Steinway?
- Don't sound like no Steinway to me.
- "Don't ya come back no more."
[SONG ENDS TO APPLAUSE]
More!
[WHISTLES]
- There's nothing to tell.
- Say, give it rest, Bro, fro God's sake.
Look, I'm only tryin' to help ya.
Sod off, then.
You could be in big trouble.
We are with you around.
Fair's fair, now Lar. I got that gorilla
from Glasgow off your back after all.
I mean, I've earned
my quid pro quo.
A quid being the operative
word, am I right?
I mean, I can tell that you have
purloined a few some place...
...and it piques my professional
curiosity.
Just very roughly and
approximately now...
...how many?
Quarter of a million.
Pam!
It's worth it to render him
speechless for once.
[GULP]
[SNORING]
[REFLECTIVE MUSIC]
Where have you been?
Shush.
[SEAGULLS]
Have we got the tickets there?
[CLICK]
That was nae very friendly
what you just did, Larry, son.
I would say a wee apology was
called for, eh?
I'm, I'm terribly s--- sorry, Des.
That's better.
Nae hard feelings, eh?
Tell ye what. I'll even
do ye laundry for ye.
You just hand it over here.
Now we're pals again.
All except you, Paddy, you little Irish shit.
[THUNK]
[MUFFLED SHOUTS]
[ENGINE FAILS TO START]
[DES HUMS]
[CRASH]
What's your game, pal? Hey.
Oh! Oah!
Ooh! Agh---
What d'ya---
Ey, what's your---
[SHIP'S HORN SOUNDS]
Who are those men?
What's happening?
Have the cops got him?
Bastard, ye---
[SHIP'S HORN]
The guy with the thick-set glasses,
he killed Ramirez.
Jesus, lets get out of 'ere.
[DES GRUNTS]
Jesus Christ.
[ENGINE MISFIRES AND STRUGGLES]
You all right, Bro?
If you'd only left it to me, Lar.
- We could've out foxed the bastard.
- What?
And let the other honchos
get us instead? No, thank you.
I'm just glad the bleedin' money's gone.
At least we're safe now.
It isn't gone.
There was just a few
thousand in the laundry bag.
I posted the rest on to
Dublin this morning.
In ten biscuit tins.
Wooo-hoooo! Gloria in excelsis Deo.
Oh, Jesus.
[LAUGHS]
[GUITAR MUSIC INTRO]
"The photographer smiles,
Take a break for a while, take a rest."
"Do your very best.
Take five, honey."
"Five honey."
"Search in your bag.
Light up a fag."
"Think it's a drag, but you're so glad
To be alive, honey."
"Live honey."
"Hey, when this is all over
You'll be in clover."
"We'll go out and spend all a your"...
..."Blue money, blue money,
blue money, blue money."
"Do do you do, do do you do
Do do you do, do do ya love money?"
"Do do."
"Do do do you do, do do you do.
Do do do you do, do do ya love money?"
"Do do, do ya?"
"Blue money."
"Blue money."
"The cameraman smiles.
Take a break for a while."
"Do your best, your very best."
"Take five, honey."
"Take five."
- Just a moment, sir.
- What's your problem?
I'll have to detain you here for
a few minutes. If you don't mind.
I do mind.
I've got things to do.
"Yeah! Do be duh duh."
Are you altogether brainless,
or what?
We could've brought that entire shop.
Nolo contendere, old son.
The fact remains, there's something
that you haven't quite grasped yet.
Well, what?
Money isn't everything, Lar.
[STREET NOISE]
Hey, Bridget.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS]
Guess who, Ma?
How did you get here?
How ya keeping?
How are you, Mary?
We're all grand, Larry.
We weren't expecting you home.
Did something happen?
Did you lose your job?
I'm doing great.
I'm in the money
- You?
- What money?
I'll tell you later.
First I want you to meet Pam.
Ma, this here's Pam.
Pam.
This is my sister, Mary.
- How do you do.
- Hello.
Pleased to meet you.
So, here we are.
How's Ninian doing
these days, Mary?
Ninian's very well, he's just recently
been called to the bar, you know.
No kidding. Which one was it,
Mooney's?
[NERVOUS GIGGLING]
Just teasing, Mary.
- That's great news.
- How's Fidelma and the children?
Oh.
No complaints.
There's a whole lot of packages
come in the post for you this morning.
Well, I, I might as well pick
them up while I'm here, then.
Hundred and sixty, hundred
and eighty. Two hundred.
How much is that altogether?
A hundred and seventy-three thousand,
nine hundred and forty pounds.
Surprising how quickly it goes,
isn't it?
No, not if you make a habit
of buying luxury yachts it isn't.
Still, we'll hardly run out
for a year or two yet.
Ummm!
Blue money.
[PAM LAUGHS]
Beautiful stuff, isn't it?
Let's get it under wraps.
Just a minute, I've
always wanted to do this.
[BOTH LAUGH]
You're such an old ham.
I never asked that
much from life, Pam.
All I ever really wanted was to be
a star. Ah-hah, hah!
- Gerry'll be delighted to meet ya.
- Just like your mum was.
Me ma's just a bit shy, Pam.
[ELECTRIC ORGAN MUSIC]
Now, Gerry.
"Look at me."
Would ye look who's here!
---"As a kitten."
[LAUGHTER]
The Great One has returned to his home!
Put it there, Mr Manager.
[LAUGHTER]
Brilliant to see ya, Lar.
Will ya look at these
threads he's wearing?
God almighty, four o'clock
in the afternoon as well.
Here's the stuff that'll
render ya speechless.
Huh, I'll second that emotion.
- Are ye staying in town long?
- Oh, a couple a years, anyway.
- You're havin' me on.
- Ha, ha, no.
Pam and me want to
open a club over here.
- Are ya serious?
- Mm.
That's a gas.
I'm dead chuffed.
Here's luck to it.
[GLASSES CLINK]
Cheers.
Ah. You know, I still maintain the best
routine you ever did was Billie Holiday.
- Billie Holiday?
- You mean you've never seen it?
[PAM AND LAR LAUGH]
Oh, yeah, y'see...
...all the jazz heads used to
come round here after hours.
Y'see, your old man McLaverty, he
fancied himself as a bit of a trombonist.
[LARRY GROANS AND LAUGHS]
So your man here used to regale him with his...
...Louis Armstrong or his
Billie Holiday.
[SINGING IN STYLE OF LOUIS ARMSTRONG]
"I loves you, sittin' in there."
All of eighteen and already
wiping the floor with Diana Ross.
Well, er, this is somethin' I've
got to experience.
Ha! Seeing is believin'
come on, head.
- Oh, no, Ger! Hah!
- Get stuck in.
- I've never done it since---
- Cut the cackle and get tore in.
- Come on, me old son. You'll remember.
- No.
Here we go.
[IN STYLE OF BILLIE HOLIDAY]
"I'm gonna love you."
"Like nobody's loved you."
"Come rain or come shine."
"Happy Together."
"Unhappy together."
"Wouldn't it be fine?"
"Days may be cloudy or sunny."
"We're in, or we're out of the runnin'."
"But I'm with you always."
"I'm with you, rain or shine."
[APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING]
[CROWD STARTS CHATTERING]
This is the man who's
gonna buy the drinks for us.
Come on, now, buy us a drink.
This is the man with the money.
[CONVERSATION MUTED]
[LARRY LAUGHS]
He says, calm as you like,
"Ma, I've come into a bit of money."
And me thinking he'd won a few
quid at the dogs or something.
And him absconded with enough to keep
us in luxury for the rest of our lives.
[SHE LAUGHS]
Larry, Ninian's here. I think
you'd better talk to him.
Where's Pam got to.
Mar, have you seen her?
Look, it's all right, I'm just after talking
to her. She's upstairs in Mammy's room.
Well then, Lawrence, if we move fast
I'm pretty confident I can get a result.
You're looking very
prosperous, Ninian.
I've secured a few minutes'
grace from the Gerda.
But that's all.
Come out to the yard.
What d'ya mean?
Sure the police here
can't lay a finger on me.
What're you saying?
Well, the government here is very keen at
the moment to cozy up to the English.
They'll be licking their lips already
at the chance to make a...
well-publicised example of your good self.
But I distinctly remember reading
that there was no whatchamacallit...
...extradition, between the two countries.
Not for political of fences there isn't.
Crime's another matter, friend.
Huh, this is Mr McMordie, Lawrence.
I think he can offer you
some invaluable assistance.
How are ya?
What you did was criminal, Gormley.
Robbery, tut tut tut.
[CLANKING]
MCMORDIE: With suspected murder.
LARRY: No, I had nothing to
do with the killing.
MCMORDIE: It's immaterial.
MCMORDIE: What I'm talking about is the
warrant that's out for your arrest.
MCMORDIE: You see, any minute now, the
Garda will be coming in the door to lift you.
But you have one chance.
You can turn what was a crime
into a political of fence.
How?
Very, very easy.
Turn over the money to the
cause for freedom in the North.
The what?
Mr McMordie, is speaking as an
executive member...
...for the Republican movement, Lawrence.
He's prepared to expedite
the transfer of monies...
...and, furthermore, to leave in your
hands an undisclosed cash residue.
You can keep five grand.
I would then lodge an appeal against
the extradition order...
...backed up by Mr McMordie's testimony
that you were acting all along...
...with a political motive.
You would walk out of
the hearing a free man.
No, I can't do that.
I don't think you entirely
understood me, Gormley.
Who do you think fed
your story to the papers?
You see, your South American friends...
...have come to a very suitable
arrangement with us.
You see. We don't like thieving little
gets like you any more than they do.
But we are prepared to give you
a chance you don't deserve.
Turn over the money now...
...and you'll get your
turn to play the hero.
- I'll have to talk it over with Pam.
- There's nothing to talk over, pal.
She was with me.
And anyway, she's got the money.
Well, you'd better get to her fast.
Because if that money is not in
our hands before you're lifted...
...you'll have to answer to us.
On top of everything else.
Excuse me.
- Stay in there.
- For Gawd's sake, Larry.
- Listen, we're in terrible danger.
Wh---
Don't ask, just do
exactly as I tell you.
[LOO FLUSHING]
[SIRENS]
Have you seen Joe?
I think he's up there ahead of you.
[CROWD NOISE]
Excuse me, young man.
[SIREN]
[BLUE MONEY THEME FADES IN]
"Blue money."
"Blue money"
"Do do do-do do, do do do-do do,
Do do do-do do, do do do-do do, do do."
Do-do do do.
[CRASH]
"Do do do-do do, do do do-do do,
Do do do-do do."
LARRY!
Do something, Larry!
Put the brakes on!
BUGGERATION!
I can't stomach any more
of this. I'm going ashore, Larry.
No, Pam, it's too risky.
And I can't eat any more of your
soddin' tinned salmon.
Oh, listen.
Look, just a couple more days so I can
stock up with provisions...
...and then we'll take off, I promise you.
No - now. I'm sick of living
like a ship's rat.
- I'm going now.
- All right!
ALL RIGHT!
I'm coming with you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Here, give us your hand.
Mind how you go.
[EXPLOSION]
JESUS!
- We have to go to the police now.
- We can't, Pam.
- But, Larry, they'll protect us.
- Look, I'll think of something.
Please, for Christ's sake, don't ever
think of anything else ever again.
Shssh.
Ladies and gentlemen, the no-smoking
sign has been switched off.
You may now smoke if you wish.
Bar service is now available.
- Let's have a drink, I'm dying for one.
- Larry!
- Larry.
- Keep walking.
The money's sliding down me legs.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Pull over.
Right, follow those nuns.
You're having a highly colourful
time, Mr Gormley.
Verging on the novelistic,
I might almost say.
Do you believe
any of it, Sergeant?
- Here and there.
- Here and there.
It has a...
...occasional note of veracity.
Otherwise it could go
straight onto the television.
Or is that what you 'ad in
mind for it, Mr Gormley?
- No, no, of course not.
- No?
- Selling it to the press, perhaps?
- NO.
I just want to forget
the whole terrible thing.
I wish I'd never set eyes
on the cursed money.
Do you know what the
fascination of that money is?
That money doesn't
really exist, does it?
H-how d'you mean?
That money doesn't exist,
because there's no record of it.
No entry in any ledger,
or balance sheet.
No bank statement or invoice, receipt
or voucher of any description.
The only life that money
seems to have known is...
...swanning around in briefcases
and laundry bags.
Now, that's what I would call...
...funny money.
I mean, for one thing, the
newspapers seem to imagine there was...
...two 'undred thousand of it.
But look at what's here.
Twenty, is it, Sergeant?
Twenty-four thousand,
three hundred and ten.
Exactly.
I explained to you
what happened.
But then, I mean, the papers.
They are forever printing wild,
unsubstantiated stories, aren't they?
Nah, you can't believe what you read in
the papers, not nowadays.
I s'pose I'll...
...I'll be sent to prison.
Y'see, I think we can 'elp you
in that respect.
What d'ya mean?
You would be willing to render us full
assistance in the identification of the...
...South American gents?
Oh, gladly.
In return for invaluable
aid of that kind...
...Mr Gormley, we could
press for leniency.
Or possibly, possibly, we might even
be tempted to bring no charges at all.
You reckon?
Tell me this, Larry.
What would your response be to the idea of
this non-existent money being applied...
...tacitly and anonymously, of
course, to charitable causes?
Grand.
Because we have a benevolent fund in the
force that would be most grateful indeed...
...for a cash contribution
of that magnitude.
- Take it.
- Sergeant.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
They're elite. Colombians only used me
as a decoy, they're saying I was framed.
[BUZZER SOUNDS AGAIN]
You 'ave been, an' all.
Mr Gormley, at last.
I've been hunting you high up and low
down. Where on earth have you been?
And where the hell have you been?
Do you not read the newspapers?
I read The Stage and
Variety - why do you ask?
And there was me
thinking I was famous.
What were you after me for?
I take it you do remember
auditioning for me?
- How could I forget?
- Quite.
Given the circumstances.
However, we now
have new financing.
A new young producer.
Nicaraguan, if you please.
We start rehearsing on the first.
I'd still like you for the part.
If you're free, that is.
Are you free?
Yeah!
I am.
I'm free.
[MUSIC: RIP IT UP]
[SINGING]
"Well, it's Saturday night and I just got paid."
"Fool about money, don't try to save."
"My heart says go, go, have a time."
"it's Saturday night and I feel fine."
"I'm gonna rock it up,
And rip it up."
"I'm gonna shake it up."
"Gonna ball it up."
"I'm gonna rock it up."
"And ball tonight."
[SCREAMING AND APPLAUSE]
"Love me tender, love me sweet."
"Never let me go."
"You have made my life complete,
and I love you so."
"Love me tender, love me true."
"All my dreams fulfilled."
"For, my darling, I love you."
"And I always will."
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING
AND WHISTLING]
[MUSIC: SHAKE]
"And if you wanna swing
Just loosen up your shoulders."
"if you wanna really roll,
You got to do the thing with soul."
"Shake it, shake it, with all your might"
"And if you do it, do it right."
"Just make your body loose and light.
Just shake."
"Shake"
"Oh, baby!"
"Shake."
"B- B- Shake."
[MUSIC: MONEY]
"The best things in life are free."
"But you can give 'em to the
birds and bees."
"I want money"
"That's what I want."
"That's want I want."
"That's what I want."
"I need money."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"Your love gives me such a thrill."
"But your love don't pay my bills."
"I need money"
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"it's what I want. Yeah."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"Give me money."
"That's what I want."
"Give me money."
"That's what I want."
"Ah, give me money."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I need."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
"That's what I want."
[MUSIC ENDS]