Blue Murder (2026) Movie Script
(scream echos)
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
We say goodbye
(ominous electronic music)
(music fades)
Halloween.
Best day of the year.
Slept in my costume.
Makeup is done.
Looking hot as hell.
All my friends are hot as hell too, but...
Not quite as hot as me. (Chuckles)
Which is awesome.
I love my life.
(dramatic music) (blood spatters)
(ominous music)
(sighs) Bummer.
(dramatic music) (blood spatters)
(tense music)
Wake the hell up, Marcy.
It's Hallo
(music swells)
(Annie screams)
(ominous music) (Annie gasps)
Did I lock the door?
(dramatic music)
(both scream)
(tense music)
(Annie screams) (knife stabbing)
(dramatic music)
Annie, what the fuck?
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
(suspenseful music)
(footsteps clomping)
(door slamming)
(tense music)
(eerie electronic music)
(fist tapping)
(door squeaking)
Hello.
What happened to final girl?
Final girl always lives.
Right?
Always?
(dramatic music)
(woman gasps and screams)
(knife stabbing) (woman screams)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(woman screams) (blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(woman screams)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(woman screams)
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous electronic music continues)
Do you remember
The way you used to be
Before surrender
By daydream fantasy
We lost our voice
There was no choice
But I was lying
We were close to home
[Dispatcher] Dr. Monroe, line 12?
That's your costume?
It is. You like it?
Yeah.
Blue, that is so you.
(chuckles) I love it.
Oh my God, I love it. I love it.
This is genius. (Laughs)
You look rad. I wish I thought of that.
You did.
Last year when we were
recovering at the diner,
you said, "You know what?
Next year for Halloween,
I'm gonna be a nurse.
But not just any nurse,
I'm gonna be a sexy nurse."
And I said, "Oh, I like
that, I'm gonna steal that."
And then you passed out. Here we are.
You little thief.
(Blue giggles)
You look rad too.
Oh. (Scoffs)
This is true.
Hey, check it out.
(solemn music plays)
The Lone Pine Killer has been caught.
I repeat, the Lone Pine
Killer has been caught.
Just moments ago, while attempting to flee
from another set of murders,
some good local Samaritans chased her down
and held her until police arrived.
We have a few of the
gentlemen here who helped.
Can you please tell us your
names and what happened?
Yeah, I'm Crackerjack and oh, snap.
You look like that chick,
Tricia Takasaki from the news.
I am Tricia Takasaki.
Say what? Are you sure?
Don't touch my face.
Oh, you can touch my face.
(hand slapping)
Anyways, so there we were out on the corner
standing there like every other day,
and we see this maniac
running down the street
covered in blood.
And so we thought let's
chase her in the record store.
Yeah, but she had gone to
Home Depot or maybe Lowe's,
and she got this sharpened piece of metal,
she sharpened it to a fine
point and she put a handle on it.
A knife?
A what? That was a knife?
[Tricia] Sounds dangerous.
It was. Hot Tubs got stabbed twice.
[Tricia] Oh my goodness!
You should go to the emergency room.
Oh, he's fine.
(Hot Tubs coughs)
It do sting a bit.
Anyways, me, Crazy Bob, Hot Tubs,
we go in that record store
and we get into a melee.
Collateral damage ensues.
- And then boom!
- Boom.
- Heroes.
- Heroes.
And you ruined my reggae section.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- You're welcome.
[Tricia] I'm sorry, did you
say your name was Hot Tubs?
I think so.
I'm going to Disneyland.
- Get outta here, Crazy Bob.
- The heck outta here.
Don't mind him. He's stupid.
He works at Barnes and Noble.
- (chuckles) Barnes and Noble.
Various insults. Various insults!
Various insults! (Both yelp)
He's throwing various insults at us.
(Crazy Bob laughs)
Get down, he's hurling various insults.
Disneyland,
Ignore him, he thinks
Jason Priestley's Canadian.
He is Canadian.
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
You can't say fuck on the air.
You just did.
Anyways, the assailant was transferred
to a local hospital.
More details when they arise.
I will fuck you up, Hot Tubs.
You promise?
Did I mention he was Canadian?
(scoffs) Well, I hope they
don't come here. (Laughs)
(suspenseful music)
Okay.
Okay, what have we got?
Dude, this chick got
all fucked up and shit.
(laughs) It was pretty sick. I'm not gonna
Not you.
Multiple conditions, possible concussion.
Internal bleeding.
Total dick.
I heard that.
Oh yeah. Well, can you hear this?
Okay. Okay.
Hey, we-we'll take it from here.
Becca, you're with me.
Ooh yeah.
Alright. Pump your brakes.
I don't have any brakes.
You know what? On second thought, Milena.
Fuck yeah.
(Gertrude cackles)
Shut the fuck up, scarecrow.
(cackling continues)
[Dispatcher] Dr. Zoidberg to the lab.
Er, did you guys...
Did you see my gun anywhere?
(tense music)
No.
Shit. Okay, um.
(tense music)
So, that's the Long Pine Killer.
Yeah, that's what they're saying.
Fits the description too.
Think she got worked over pretty good.
Worked over? I heard she got fucked up.
Nice costume by the way.
You like?
Who do we have here?
Oh, this? This is my trainee, Autumn.
Autumn?
Every day.
I like that accent. Where's it from?
Oh, she's from... New Jersey.
(chuckles) The garden state?
So many gardens. (Chuckles)
Are you two done yet?
Are we done?
No.
So why do they call you Blue?
- Oh.
- That's why.
I love blueberries.
It's my last one.
Okay. Okay. Playtime's over.
Time to say goodbye. Goodbye, Autumn.
Goodbye, Autumn.
You know, um, I'm off at midnight.
Probably gonna go to the
diner just down the road.
For breakfast or...
Whatever. (Chuckles)
Good to know.
Let's go, rookie. Play doctor later.
[Dispatcher] Doc
Brown to the parking lot.
(mellow music)
(music fades)
That was smooth.
Shut up.
Aha. "I love your accent." (laughs)
Hey, hello.
Could you get our new visitor's vitals?
And something to calm her down.
She tried to bite me.
Twice.
I thought you liked getting bitten.
Ooh.
[Dispatcher] Dr. Loomis
to patient Myers' room.
Was that smooth?
No. No, it wasn't.
(sighs) Goddam it.
(McNulty laughs)
What? You don't do that with that thing.
You put it in the
Oh, you do. This girl is crazy.
Mm, I read that issue.
It's, er, yeah, it's. (Clears throat)
It's, it's, it's cool, it's cool.
- [Blue] Mm-hm.
- Yeah, er.
Wait, are you, are you going in there?
Ugh. Yeah.
Hey.
(upbeat rock music)
We, b-be careful, champ.
Careful's my middle name.
(palm slapping)
Mine's Brian.
It's actually Charles.
I don't know why I... Yoink!
- Gimme that back.
- What?
I said nice, nice costume.
What costume?
[Dispatcher] Dr. Evil. Line four.
Can you, do you wanna slap me too?
She's gone.
(sinister music)
So...
Who do we have here?
I am the destroyer.
The ender of all, the master of darkness
and killer of all who are judged.
Hmm. Says here your name's Gertrude.
Don't ever call me that! (Screams)
Sorry, Gerty.
So, Long Pine Killer, huh?
(tense music)
Another name I didn't choose.
Besides, I'm misunderstood.
I only kill people who deserve it.
Sorority girls, punk-ass kids, Karens,
people who drive BMWs,
cheerleaders, pizza delivery boys.
Pizza delivery boys?
- [Gertrude] Clowns.
- Oh, I fucking hate clowns.
Right?
Ugh.
(thunder rumbles)
Just in time for Halloween.
I hate thunder.
Why hate thunder? It's
the lightning that'll kill you.
Same difference.
When it's light outside like this too,
so cool.
(snorts) Blah.
[Blue] Okay, blah.
I have to take your vitals.
Are you gonna behave?
[Dispatcher]
Dr. Frankenstein to the morgue.
(tense music) (thunder cracks)
(ominous electronic
music) (electricity crackles)
(music fades)
[Dispatcher] Clean up on aisle seven.
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey. I need your help.
I need your help. I need your help.
Hey, guys, hey.
Um, it's not my fault what
happened, not my fault at all,
but I need your help so could
Help! Come on! Let's
go. I need your help now.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
(ominous music)
[Doctor] And you're sure you're okay?
I'm fine.
What happened?
Okay, so then like th-this thing, like,
it came from the sky and it was like big
and it went "pwow."
And then like, you got hurt.
And then, um...
So it's like really big, you know.
Like there's a big sound before it.
- Right.
- And it's really, it's...
(cop vocalizes lightning)
You can do it. I believe in you.
God, what is it?
Oh, er, Thomas with, like, kite
Starts an L. Come on.
- (sighs) Lemon.
- No, no.
Lead poisoning.
What? No.
- Lightning. Lightning.
- There we are.
Lightning?
Yeah, it's like this really
cool light. Like what he said.
A-and it comes down from the sky. Yeah.
I know what lightning is.
Ooh. Wow.
- Okay. (Chuckles)
You know what lightning is?
- "I'm a doctor,
"I know what lightning is."
- Yeah.
Why don't you fix people?
We don't know what lighting is.
What?
I'm fine. I'm just...
I'm just a bit shaken up.
Well, then you need to
let someone take you home
so you can rest, Blue.
It's Halloween.
I'm not, I'm not gonna get any rest
with all the trick or
treaters and fireworks.
I'm just better off here.
Okay, but you should go grab an empty bed
and lay down for at least 30 minutes, okay?
I can cover for you. Doctor's orders.
[Blue] You're a nurse.
Nurse's orders. Okay?
Melaina.
On it.
(Blue groans)
[Dispatcher] Dr. Detroit,
call the nurse's station.
Well, this one's toast.
I love toast.
Actually, toast is terrible for you.
It's actually garbage.
It doesn't do anything for the body.
It's just full of empty carbs.
(sinister music) (Gertrude screams)
(tense music)
Oh my God. I just now
noticed her nose is pierced.
That is cool.
I'm a big fan of the toast myself but...
What are you guys? You don't like it?
[Dispatcher] Dr. Lector to surgery.
What? It's good.
(ominous music)
(hand patting) (ghostly voice whispers)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
(dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(ghostly voice whispers) (music fades)
What the fuck?
(Blue screams) (sinister music)
- (distorted voices chatter indistinctly)
- I gotta get outta here.
(ominous music)
[Dispatcher] Visiting hours are over.
Please get the fuck out.
(ominous music)
(bell tolls)
(ominous music)
Oh no, you two.
Don't even think about
taking one step on my grass.
(raucous punk music) Punk rock girls
Gonna make you afraid
- Ooh!
Punk rock girls get outta the space
Punk rock girls
That's it. I'm calling the police.
What the shit?
The fuck...
Is that?
It's a phone.
Who you gonna call?
Okay, what are your names?
I'm Nunya and this is Deez.
Deez what?
Deez nuts.
What?
(girls giggle)
- Face.
- Face.
What are your names?
(girls giggle)
They're pretty and cool
And think you are a fool
(punk music fades)
And you.
Do you live around here?
What's your address?
123 Fuck Off Lane.
How dare you?
I'm calling the police.
Beat it, Karen.
How do you know my name?
Lucky guess.
Punk rock girls
Getting in your face (Karen screams)
Punk rock girls get outta this space
Punk rock girls, they
rule the fucking world
Punk rock girls, I
think they're gonna hurl
(swaggering rock music)
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck yo' mama
Fuck yo' mama then fuck yo' mama
(music fades)
[DJ] That was LL Cool
Beans with "Fuck Yo' Mama."
This next dedication is from
the Sheriff's Department,
going out to that pizza delivery boy
who put pineapple on their pizza.
"We will find you, Kevin,
and we will kill you."
You can do this.
You can do this. You got
this. No reason to be nervous.
It's just your third new job this week.
That's...
That's normal, right?
God, why am I such a fuck
up? Why am I talking to myself?
(hand slapping)
I needed that.
Let's go. Oh, pizza. Pizza.
(swaggering rock music)
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck yo' mama
Fuck yo' mama then fuck yo' mama
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck
(doorbell rings)
(raucous rock music plays faintly)
Perry's Pizza.
[Blue] Be there in a moment.
(rock music continues faintly)
(ornament snaps) (dramatic music)
Oh shit! Fuck!
[Blue] Coming.
You've got this, Kevin.
(raucous rock music)
She, she's the talk She
Talk of the town
All the time in my back seat
She, she's the talk She
Talk of the town
Whoa.
(rock music crescendos)
Hey. (Chuckles)
Well, who do we have here?
I'm...
Er, I should know this, um.
Kevin.
Whoa.
(Blue chuckles)
How do you know?
Lucky guess.
So, do you have my extra sausage?
(ominous electronic music)
(gulps) Yeah.
(voice breaking) Sausage.
(clears throat) Sausage.
E-e-extra sausage, er.
That'll, er, that'll be 19.88.
(Blue gasps)
Ooh. (Chuckles)
I have one slight problem.
I don't have any money.
I-I-I-I, you know, I mean, I-I...
Maybe I could pay you some other way.
(sinister music)
(knife thuds)
(body thuds)
(sinister music)
This isn't even sausage.
(Blue screams)
(knife stabbing)
(ominous music)
(upbeat funk music)
I said please don't fuck my mama
Or I will fuck your mama
So please
Okay, girls.
Halloween party at the office tonight.
So we have two hours to get totally hot.
But we're already totally hot.
I know.
(all giggle)
- Pi.
- Delta.
- Pi.
- [All] Go!
Please don't fuck my mama
[DJ] That was "Please Don't Fuck My Mama"
by MC Cheese Whizz.
Let's do this.
(slow pop music) Super hot
And we never lie
We'll hit the parties
and steal your guys
So do what we say or get out of our way
Say it loud and say it proud
Pi Delta Pi
"Oh, you're so short and fat."
"I wish I had your body."
I missed you guys.
(door squeaks)
But before we do
We gotta cheer for you
H-O-T
- (ornament snaps) (sinister music)
- Ugh.
Yo.
"Ooh, ah, I'm a monkey.
I'd like to lick my own butthole."
Acknowledge me.
Bunny?
(swaggering rock music)
She's got rhythm
Lets see her shake it
She's out there for all us to see
She's got moves
Man, she can groove
Just like those chicks on TV
Which way you looking
Hot-Blooded woman
Whichever one today
My heart keeps pounding
My eyes are wicked
Unless I watch 'em
dance again and again
That girl's long blond hair
The chick really knocks me out
(music fades)
Oh my God. Pizza. Are we having pizza?
No, we're having pizza.
You're still on probation, noob.
Now go slap yourself twice
and face the wall until I say otherwise.
(palms slapping)
Um, you're late.
Am I?
Yeah, the ad says
30 minutes or it's free.
Oh yeah.
What time did you order?
[All] 6:27.
Mm, and what time is it now?
[All] 7:57.
That's 30 minutes.
That's 90 minutes.
Yeah...
Kevin. (Sinister music)
Yeah, well, time is an illusion.
She's right.
And the moon is in retrograde.
Shut up, Kiki. We
are not paying for that.
Well, you're gonna
pay one way or another.
Who do you think you are?
Kevin. Duh.
(gasps) Do you guys
remember "Kevin" Kevin?
- Oh, the fine-ass?
- He was so cute.
- He was so cute.
- Zip it, dip shits!
We are not dip shits.
Yeah, we're...
[All] Pi Delta Pi.
The apple of your eye.
Ah, sorority girls.
In that case, I'll talk a little slower.
Listen, I feel bad.
So why don't I just refund you your money
and we can all finish this pizza together.
[All] Yay.
I get the first slice.
(sinister music)
How about before we eat,
we all have a good old
fashioned pillow fight?
(girls gasp)
Okay.
[All] Yay.
(swaggering rock music)
(sinister music)
[All] Bummer.
(ominous electronic music)
Sorry. Every Pi for themselves.
(Pi groans)
I made out with Johnny.
(ominous electronic music)
[Bunny] Who's Johnny.
So, no pillow fight?
[Blue] Nope.
Oh, okay.
(sinister music)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood squirting)
(ominous electronic music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous electronic music)
(tense music)
(ominous electronic music)
(Blue whistles)
(lavatory flushes)
(heartbeat pounding)
(tense music)
(knife thudding) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
Did you miss me?
No.
(Bunny gasps) (knife slices)
(blood splashing)
(ominous electronic music) (door squeaks)
Hello?
Anybody in here?
(ominous electronic music)
Jesus.
Hm, Mr. Cuddle-bumps.
(squeaks) Fuck you.
Alright. You have two options.
You can either come out
or Mr. Cuddle-bumps gets it.
(tense music)
(ominous electronic music)
Hello.
(ominous electronic music)
(girls grunting) (fists smacking)
[Pi] Fuck you, bitch.
No one gets a slice of this Pi.
(slow pop music) We are the girls
Of Pi Delta Pi
We're super hot
And we never lie
- Fuck me?
(sinister music) We'll hit the parties
And steal your guys
So do what we say or get out of our way
Say it loud and say it proud
At ease, soldier.
Pi Delta Pi
The apple of your eye
We're hot as hell
and we can't even spell
We like to cheer and yell
We'll probably go to hell
But before we do
We gotta cheer for you
Alright, one more delivery.
(engine struggles)
Nice car, Kevin.
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
(bell tolls)
(spooky festive music)
Christmas lights? What the fuck?
Whoa. Got any pizza?
(festive music continues)
(shirt tearing)
Stupid-ass fucking...
Dumb-ass fucking stupid shirt.
(festive music continues)
Keep it. (Sinister music)
Wait, what the hell?
Wait up. What's the hurry?
(spooky festive music)
What's your name?
(book swishes) (cat meows)
Mine's Torrance.
The silent type, huh?
I can dig that. I got you. I got you.
Oh! Wanna go trick or treating?
My bestie Aria's grounded,
so I'm totally free.
Where are your parents?
My dad's asleep. My mom's dead.
Bummer? Yes, but she
still haunts this place.
If you look up at just the right time,
you might see her in the top floor window.
Cool, huh?
Okay, wait here, wait here.
I gotta go get my
costume. I'm gonna go get it.
Don't move. Don't move.
(spooky festive music)
(ominous music)
Yeah. Fuck this.
(spooky festive music)
Oh, what the fudge?
Wait up.
They're going to come to
town and spread a lot of fear
But when they get slapped
down, I think you're gonna cheer
(fast punk music)
'Cause they're frat dudes
Ruining your party
'cause they're frat dudes
Drinking your Bacardi
'cause they're frat dudes
They never say they're sorry
Looking good, Kurt.
Looking real good.
Your name is Kurt and you're looking good.
Alpha, Alpha, where
the hell's your beer
Alpha, Alpha, my
girlfriend likes to cheer
(sinister electronic music)
- Kiki?
What happened to you? Who did this?
Was it the Omegas?
Sexy.
Sexy? What?
Sexy.
Yeah, sexy. Totally sexy.
You look, you look fire, babe.
No, sexy pizza.
Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
No pizza for me. I'm trying
to stay cut and lean, you know.
You know what cut means, right?
I-I'd love to explain it to you.
(Kiki coughs)
Sexy pizza nurse.
(ominous music)
Nobody slices my Pi.
(Johnny laughs)
Johnny, gather the boys
and meet me at the Pi house.
[Johnny] Whoa.
Hang up.
(ominous music)
You look good.
No, you look good.
No, I look good.
Alright, let's all give
a moment of silence
for what we're about to do.
(dramatic music)
- Hey guys.
(ghosts gasp)
- Jeez, Butch.
I nearly pissed my pants.
I nearly pissed your pants.
(chuckles) You gotta
keep the troops on their toes.
Okay boys, I have gathered you here today
on the greatest of all days
to reign terror on this
unsuspecting little neighborhood.
If any of you do anything
less than maximum havoc,
then you'll have to spend
the night at the Romero House.
(sinister music) (ghostly voice screams)
Josh, you go find some, er,
unattended bowls of candy.
Petey, sweet, sweet Petey, come here,
Sir?
You go steal candy from
some dumb girls or something.
What if they're smart girls?
Then you're fucked. Off you go.
Last but not least, my man Dex.
The Dexonator, the legend.
It's true. I am a legend.
Don't get cocky.
Sorry, Butch.
Your job if you choose to accept it,
is to TP every tree on this neighborhood
starting with this one.
Consider it done, boss.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna do what I was born to do.
Smash the living shit outta
some damn pumpkins. Duh!
(both laugh)
Sorry.
(ominous piano music)
(ominous music)
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous music)
(sinister music)
(stoner rock music)
Smashing pumpkins is my game
B-U-T-C-H is my name
They call me Butch
Hello, beautiful.
I have the power!
(pumpkin smashing) (ominous music)
Butch.
Can I try?
Sure.
(head smacking) (sinister music)
Butch? (Scoffs)
More like bitch.
(head smacking) (bone crunching)
(crunching continues) (sinister music)
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
Huh, works for me.
I can't count, suckers.
(ominous music)
(dramatic music) Watch it, grandma.
What did that sign say?
[Josh] Please take one.
Looks like you took a
whole lot more than one.
You think you deserve all that candy?
Er, yeah, Frankenhooker.
Yeah, I do too.
(sack smacking) (balls crunching)
Oh, right in my Lucky Charms.
(upbeat hip-hop music) Slap that ass
Then you slap that ass
(sack thudding) You gotta slap that ass
Then you slap that ass, got it
(sack thudding) Now repeat after me
Slip and slap
Give that booty a little
tap (thudding continues)
Now don't get me wrong
(sinister music) It
ain't the end of the song
But one more slap might do
(ominous music)
No blueberry?
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous music)
Whoa, gnarly.
What's your diagnosis, rookie?
He got seriously fucked up.
Agreed.
I don't know.
I mean, could just be
like allergic to pumpkin
or something like that.
What the hell are you
doing here, McNulty?
(laughs) What's up, man?
You're supposed to be at the hospital
babysitting the Lone Pine Killer.
Oh, shit! No wait, no.
I'm good, she's dead.
So we're, no, we're good.
Dead?
Yeah, you know, she like...
She kicked the bucket so...
She went belly up.
She bought the farm.
She, er, she took that like
permanent vacation or whatever.
She fucked the cupcake.
I know what dead means, McNulty.
- Oh.
- How?
Er, lightning came in.
(trills) Like that.
- Fuck off.
- Okay.
No, not you, numb-nuts. Get back here.
Fucked the cupcake. Really?
Yeah.
Alright, kids. What have you got?
Dead kid ready for a Ziploc?
Not 'til we make it official.
You heard him, rookie.
Totally neutralized.
Time of destruction, 8:27 PM.
I believe the official term
is "fucked the cupcake."
Cause of death?
I don't know, man. He
was probably a teenager.
He probably jacked off too hard and died.
Eugh.
(woman screams) (Ford spits)
Jesus. What the fuck was that?
McNulty, go check that out.
(laughing) Yeah. "Go check that out."
By myself? Yeah, okay.
But no, by myself for real though?
What the fuck?
There's people that can
This is not a safe neighborhood.
- Would you check it out?
- Yeah. (Screams)
Fucking idiot.
(dramatic music)
- Oh Jesus Christ.
- What the fuck?
(ominous music)
Is this like continental
or is this two ply stuff,
the cheap stuff, you know, like...?
(child screams)
- Holy shit! What the fuck?
Should, should we help that girl?
That was McNulty?
(sinister music)
Oh God. What the fuck? Hey. (Chuckles)
I like your...
You got like a little demon thing going on.
That's kind of...
It's cool. (Laughs)
I'm a succubus, numb-nuts.
I'm a suck? What?
Oh, I'm a Virgo.
(dramatic music) (group yelps)
It's a shame, isn't it?
Yep. Yep. Total shame.
Such a little, no, I
didn't really like him.
Throwing out a perfectly good white kid.
I think the term is honky.
Punk rock girls
Whatever, I'm gonna
go get full sized candy bars.
Okay.
Becky?
Becky, come on, come on.
Check it out. Geekos.
Oh rad.
Hey, I think there's a
haunted house around here.
No way.
Way.
Er, but we should count
our candy first and then
Punk rock girls getting in your face
[Both] Whoa.
What's up, little kitties?
Kicking ass and taking names.
Making a killing.
What about you?
(sinister music)
Same. You guys got
anything blueberry in there?
[Becky] Er, just chocolate mostly.
Bummer.
(sinister music)
Well you have a good
night, and watch out.
Some dipshit a couple of houses down
was giving out apples.
And toothbrushes.
Total jerkwads, right?
Totally.
(footsteps receding)
(raucous punk music)
Did that bitch have a knife?
[Becky] Bitches be bonkers.
You wanna get like a drink or something?
(swaggering rock music)
No? Okay. Alright. Cool. Cool.
I'll just call
Every time.
(upbeat punk music)
They want all your snacks
And step on all the cracks
Whoa.
We kicked butt this year.
Big time.
Let's sort it into three titles.
One for you,
one for me,
and one for our soul sister Ruby,
who sprained her ankle roller skating.
Oh, and save one piece
each for the Cat God.
May she watch over and protect us forever.
(sinister music)
Boo. (Laughs)
I get this. (Laughs)
(ominous music)
Run. Run.
Oh shoot. Where am I?
Weren't you listening?
(Petey laughs)
Suckers
(body thudding)
(ominous music)
(knife swishing)
My turn.
(sinister music) (knife thuds)
(ominous music)
(footsteps huffling)
Oh, that's a...
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
You're good, right? Tell me.
Goddam it. Oh, okay.
(ominous music)
(McNulty coughs)
Right there.
Put that there.
Okay, no body, no paperwork.
- We're good. (Sirens approaching)
- Cops! Shit!
[Blue] Shh.
(knife scraping) (sinister music)
No screaming.
Pick up the candy.
Well, we still have the apples
and toothbrushes and raisins.
Let's go kick that little punk's ass.
Yeah.
You know, revenge is
a dish best served now.
[Both] She was listening.
(ominous music)
Can we go trick or treating now?
(sighs) Fine.
(tense music)
(Alphas gasp)
Alright, alright. Looking
good, brothers. Looking sharp.
And handsome. (Laughs)
Yeah.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
Johnny?
Present.
Jerry?
Present.
Jax?
Present.
And last and most certainly least, Jeff.
Oh, what the fuck, man?
Shut the fuck up, pledge.
Present I guess.
What are these costumes for anyway?
It's Halloween, dumb-ass.
What are we supposed to be?
We're douche bags. Duh.
But we're already douche bags.
Yeah, but we're not just
any douche bags, douche bag.
We're eighties douche bags,
the greatest of all douche bags.
[Alphas] Whoa.
The mission, if you choose to accept,
find a sexy pizza nurse who
diced up three of our babes
and show her what's up.
[All] Yeah!
That's what I like to hear.
As is tradition, sitting in
front of you are two shots.
First, a shot of Hunky Steve's Bro Juice.
(pompous hair-metal music)
Hunky Steve's Bro Juice
Bro Ju-u-u-uice
The sourest, meanest,
bitchiest shot known to man.
Suck that puppy down and chase it
with the coolest, smoothest,
greatest shot known to man,
the Richard Grieco.
What's in it?
It's on a need to know basis, bro.
[Alphas] Whoa!
I'm gonna need to know, bro.
Cream soda and peppermint schnapps
rung through a sock
full of Sour Patch Kids.
But don't tell anyone.
Nice.
Down to hatch, brothers.
Let's power up!
(tense music)
Oh.
I can't see.
Oh shit. Me neither.
That's okay. That's just
the temporary blindness.
Just, it'll go away once
you down the Grieco.
(tense music)
Woo! Let's power up.
Come on, power up.
(chilled electronic music)
[All] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Hoorah-rah!
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous electronic music)
(apple whooshes)
(ominous electronic music)
Oh, here, I got you one.
Thanks.
(fist pounding)
(door clunks and squeaks)
Oh, what do we have here?
Trick or treat.
Aren't you two a little
old to be trick or treating?
My friend is very old.
Yes, the cracks are definitely showing.
But she was held back a few
grades because of the accident.
Oh, heavens. What accident?
She was hit in the head by a coconut.
Or coconuts to be more specific.
Ow.
Coconut? Really?
Oh.
Oh, I guess it'll be alright.
And, er, I do love cats.
Meow. (Laughs)
Meow.
Meow. (Yelps) (Blue growls)
Okay. There you go.
Have a nice treat.
Seriously?
Yes. Now fuck off.
(sinister music) (door slams)
Wait here.
(ominous electronic music)
(horror film plays on TV)
[Vampire On TV] And don't worry.
He won't die tonight. (Judith groans)
That's my sister's style, not mine.
Unless they ask for it. (Laughs)
You must be outta your head if you think
it'll be that easy to kill me.
[Vampire On TV] You AIs
need to learn to keep an eye
Ooh. (Laughs)
(glass breaks) (vampire on TV laughs)
(ominous electronic music)
Mr. Muffins?
You'd better not be on my dresser again.
(ominous electronic music)
(cat meows)
(Judith laughs)
I knew it was you, Mr. Muffins.
You had me scared there for a moment.
(sinister music) (Judith screams)
(suspenseful music)
(switch clicking)
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
(raucous metal music plays loudly)
- (phone ringing) (suspenseful music)
- (raucous metal music plays loudly)
Sweet cascades yours to play
Strive for more every day
(phone ringing) (suspenseful music)
Pure delight
(metal music stops)
Hello?
Holly?
Holly, it's Grandma.
Put your mom on the line.
No can do.
She went next door to
get more candy. What's up?
Someone's here.
Third time this week, huh?
What? No, no.
Th-this time it's real.
(suspenseful music)
The shower curtain grabbed me.
Did you forget to take your medication?
Or perhaps took a glass of wine or three?
Okay, I may have had a
few glasses of wine, but...
Just go check the bathroom.
I bet there's nothing there.
Watch some TV, maybe eat something,
and no more wines, plural or singular.
Bye-ee.
(raucous metal music plays)
(phone cuts off)
(Judith sighs)
That little shit.
(tense music)
I can do this.
(tense music)
(Judith whimpers)
(dramatic music)
(Judith laughs)
Hello? (Laughs)
Relax, Judith.
It's gonna be okay. (Chuckles)
No more wine. No more wine.
(thunder rumbles)
Maybe a quick catnap will help.
(cat meows)
Mr. Muffins, you're gonna
be the death of me. (Sighs)
(apple thuds) (ominous electronic music)
What the heck?
(apple thuds) Ow! Dang it!
What the fuck?
(footsteps approaching)
(sinister music)
Not Mr. Muffins.
(toothbrushes stabbing)
(sinister music)
(toothbrushes stabbing)
(sinister music)
(toothbrushes slashing)
(head thudding)
(blood squirting)
Okay.
(footsteps receding)
Hey there, Mr. Muffins. You're free now.
(cat meows)
(ominous music)
Were those toothbrushes?
(chuckles) Now that's fucked up. (Laughs)
(ominous music)
(door squeaks)
Now what?
Now we...
(ominous music)
Do you see that?
(thunder rumbles)
Oh my God. A clown.
I love clowns.
Yeah, you would.
Can we catch him?
(footsteps receding)
(sinister music)
(ominous electronic music)
Come on.
(ominous electronic pop music)
You've been restless
I can see in your eyes
Leave me breathless
I know what it implies
Under fire but there's ice in my veins
But there's ice in my veins
My desire, only static remains
Only static remains
So low
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(Gertrude roars) (Blue screams)
(ominous music) (Blue gasps)
(Blue groans)
That must have been some dream.
Black licorice?
Okay, okay. Jeez.
Candy corn?
Gag.
Are you sure?
Gag.
Okay.
Do you think there's a higher power?
Or is life an existential mystery
never to be grasped and comprehended
by us mere Earthlings?
(eyes squeak)
Did you know I can
name all seven continents?
Go for it.
Hawaii, Japan,
New Orleans.
Bloom and Onion?
Oh my God. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, the two of you.
All I can hear is you two
yammering on about God knows what!
It's not a fucking slumber
party! This is my home!
I am a city bus driver, okay.
Do you have any idea the physical toll
that driving a city bus for
nine hours takes on one's loins?
These loins are cold!
They're ice cold and I
need to warm them up!
It's terrible!
And I just wanna sit and soak in my tub
and all I can hear is
Tweedledee and Tweedle-dipshit
talking about nonsense!
Get outta my property!
If I have to put my kimono
on again and come out here,
I swear to God you're both toast!
Toast!
Fuck!
(door squeaks)
(both laugh)
Wait here.
[Torrance] Where are you going?
Toast sounds really good right now.
[Torrance] What?
(door squeaks)
(gentle pop music plays faintly)
Tweedle-dipshit?
Which one am I?
I'm gonna enter you.
(ominous music)
Hm, oh, come on in here. Duckeroo Banzai.
Oh, and look who's joining us.
"Who the fuck is that?"
What? Watch your mouth, Duckaroo.
That's our old friend, Bloodsucker Jones.
"But I'm afraid of black people."
"What, motherfucker?"
[Blue] Hello there.
Blueberry. Hell yeah.
You gotta understand that
th-they're more afraid of us
than we are of them.
"Motherfucker, what you just say?"
(laughs) Oh, Bloodsucker Jones,
always calling me on my shit.
That's why it's good
to have a black friend.
And they're afraid of
water, don't forget that.
"What? Well, alright then,
Th-that's actually sometimes true."
You guys can be best friends if you just,
if you just remember that
the color of people's skin
only sort of matters. (Chuckles)
- (Blue gasps)
- (ominous music) (water sloshes)
Hello? I-is someone out there?
Mom?
Yank.
(ominous electronic music)
(footsteps clomping)
(ominous electronic music)
(kimono whooshes)
Do you remember
Oh no. Mr. Kimono,
you were almost paid off.
Mr. Kimono? (Sinister music)
Are you here for sex stuff?
"Oh damn."
What?
Toaster.
(electricity crackling)
(water sloshing)
(footsteps receding)
(ominous music)
Let's hit it, Topanga.
It's Torrance. (Phone chimes)
Oh crap. Curfew.
Gotta go.
[Blue] What? You're leaving?
But it was just about to get fun.
[Torrance] Aw, aren't you sweet?
Later, tater.
(ominous electronic pop music)
What the fuck?
Topanga?
Tweedle-dipshit?
Okay.
Mean to you
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
Two honkys in the street
Got the rhythm, got the beat
Hot Tubs and Crackerjack
Gonna find where your mama at
They like to eat them burritos
And still kiss Cheetos
off the top of 'bello steak
All they eat enchidos
'Cause they Hot Tubs and Crackerjack
You gonna get your money back
(music fades)
Dude, do you remember
when you got stabbed?
Remember? Like it was yesterday.
It was this morning.
Oh shit. Street cred.
- Yeah!
- Woo. Boom.
Ha, I like street cred.
Everybody likes street cred.
(ominous music)
(Hot Tubs laughs)
Beat it, buckwheat.
Yeah, step off, honky.
- [Crackerjack] Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
We didn't know you was handsome.
What is your wish, sir?
Looking for the pizza nurse.
(laughs) That shit don't exist.
It is a myth.
Unless you watch Cinemax.
(laughs) Cinemax. He said Cinemax.
The fuck is Cinemax?
[Both] Ouch.
I was told you two are the best.
We are the best.
You are the worst.
Climb back in your bimmar and beat off.
The hell did you just say to me?
[Hot Tubs] Yo, show some
respect to the Crackerjack.
(chilled hip-hop music)
(shirt rips)
[Both] Respect.
Did you see that shit?
That was nuts.
Oh, got something for you.
- Oh yeah.
- There you go, buddy.
Middle management, here I comes.
That's what dreams are made of, isn't it?
It is.
No sign of her.
- Here, bro.
- Thanks bro.
(raucous punk music) We are the Alphas
I think you know the rest
Hot bananas?
You know we are the tops
So please don't call the cops
Or think about drinking
our peppermint schnapps
Did you kill my girlfriend?
No way. Did you kill my girlfriend?
Not even.
Sure about that, Delta?
(ominous electronic music)
How'd you know?
(scoffs) I could smell the
Cheetos and Axe body spray.
(Jeff laughs)
Shut up, freshman.
(laughs) Stupid.
(ominous electronic music)
[Both] Whoa.
Well, if it isn't Chad Michael Chad.
Seventh year senior, class president,
water polo champion
and leader of the Deltas.
Let's waste this Caucasian.
We can't. (Hand slapping)
[Jeff] Why not?
Yeah, why can't we, little brother.
Whoa. Plot twist.
Don't call me that.
I'm 13 days older than you.
Yeah, but I'm taller
and my mom's way hotter.
(Alphas laugh)
Dude, take it back. You
know my mom's way hotter.
Relax, bro. You know I got your back.
Anytime, anywhere. Just
make the call and I'll be there.
Well, how about now?
We're on a nonstop epic adventure
to avenge Our super hot babes.
No. (Laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
Alright, let's split up.
Johnny, Jax, head that way.
Jared, Jeff, see if you
see anything down there.
I'm lone wolfing it tonight
to see if I see anything.
First one to find her
gets a sixer of Natty Ice.
[All] Yeah.
Hurry up, pledge.
Whoa.
Whoa. (Laughs)
Whoa.
(sinister music)
(both laugh)
This thing is rad, bro. (Laughs)
Focus, bro.
Alright. Right, bro.
Where is this chick?
Yeah, bro. Normally I'm
super good at scoping out chicks.
[Both] Yeah.
(hands slapping)
Alright. You go check down that way.
I'm gonna stay here and look good.
Yeah.
(ominous electronic music)
Hey, small people. Quick question.
Have you seen any pizza nurses?
What the fuck is a pizza nurse?
I don't know. It's been a long night.
Hey, candy. Let me get some of that.
Oh sure. Well, how about you...
(knife swishes) Beat it, fucknut?
Whoa. Or what?
(leg swishing)
(Valerie speaks Spanish)
Oh shit. Spanish.
(Alpha whimpers) (girls giggle)
[Both] Toodles.
(sinister music)
(McNulty cackles)
It's a dead body. Alright, that's
What the f...?
Where did you get that
hat from? I have not
Would you get that thing outta my eyes?
Yeah. Sorry. I just
haven't seen that hat.
I shouldn't have
gotten you that flashlight.
Well, thank you either way.
What? Gross. (Chuckles)
That's some kind of sick shit.
[McNulty] Tacky.
Where's your gun, McNulty?
Where's your...?
Shit, where is my gun?
Oh, wait, no, I think it's at, er...
Chuck E. Cheese.
You think?
What the hell were you
doing at Chuck E. Cheese?
You don't have any kids.
Well, you don't have
to have kids to go there.
(scoffs) I mean anyone
can go 'cause it's a great time
and it's for everyone.
So I go with some kids and it's great.
They got great pizza.
I know where my gun
is. It is in the ball pit.
I'll just, I'll grab it when
we leave here. Chill out.
Well, it's about time.
Chill, bruh. We had to
stop and get some donuts.
As a cop you gotta respect that.
I do. I do respect that.
So did you bring some for all of us.
Oh, of course.
Got one for each of
you on the Death Mobile.
Got one for each of us.
None for him though. He's got diabetes.
No, I...
(scoffs) I don't, I swear.
That's just a rumor. I don't have diabetes.
I don't even know what
diabetes is so jokes on
(whispering) It's when
the pancreas stops working,
it secretes sugar into the bloodstream
and causes a heart attack and stroke.
I have diabetes.
(ominous music)
We gotta get out of this
neighborhood. It's rough.
We'll never find the
chick in a billion years.
Look, there she is.
How do you know?
We're looking for a sexy nurse, right?
If you've seen my browser history,
you would know if there's
one thing I'm an expert on,
it's sexy nurses.
And that, my brother, is one sexy nurse.
Plus, look at the hat.
[Both] Pizza.
(both laugh)
(ominous electronic music)
You got something to say?
(neck squeaks)
I'm thinking someone like
came through the back door,
maybe like a window,
and they were just like,
"What up, lady?"
Shut the fuck up, McNulty.
Alright, you two know the
drill. What's the diagnosis?
Diagnosis? Dead.
Super dead.
Quit fucking around,
Billy. Make it official.
- Holy shit.
- What?
She's dead.
Oh my God! No, wait. We knew that.
That is one fucked cupcake.
Looks like you got a real serial killer
on your hands here, Chief.
It's Detective.
And let's leave the detecting
to the detectives, okay?
Sorry.
Box up these leftovers.
Get 'em over to the morgue.
He may be right.
Might be a serial killer, - Hm.
Then again, any woman who gives out
apples and toothbrushes on Halloween
might have made a few enemies.
Yeah, she sounds
like a real piece of shit.
Am I right? (Laughs)
- McNulty?
- Yeah.
What did I say about the winking?
You said not to wink.
Exactly.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha.
Oh shit! That was the last one.
Are you sure I have diabetes?
(ominous electronic music)
Cat got your tongue?
(neck squeaks)
Oh, speaking of cats,
have you seen one
around here, about yay big.
(neck squeaks)
(sinister music)
Is this all you ever do?
(sinister music)
(festive music)
Hey, hon?
Have you seen Prancer?
I found all the others. Except for Prancer.
We can't have a Christmas
display without Prancer.
We most certainly cannot.
I'll take another look in the closet.
I'll help.
Thanks, honey bunny.
Anything for my Claire Bear.
(Claire gasps)
Not in front of the neighbors.
Oh, what the fuck?
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
(Claire gasps)
If we can get this done soon
I'll put on my special pajamas
and we can cozy up with a glass of eggnog.
Oh, Claire, that sounds like
Bullshit.
Oh my goodness. What
are you doing in our home?
What is the meaning of this?
What is the meaning of "this?"
[Both] It's Christmas.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's Hallo-fucking-ween.
Well, we like to get a head start
and we don't celebrate Halloween.
Hm.
Don't celebrate Halloween?
[Both] It's the devil's holiday.
(chuckles) Can't you guys
just decorate on December 1st
like normal people?
I mean, what in the fuck
is wrong with you two?
Matt, you do something?
(upbeat festive music)
(bauble smashes)
(ominous music)
That was a mistake, Matthew?
- Oh.
- (sinister music)
(Matthew chokes) Wish
you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year (body thudding)
(ominous music)
Seriously?
Merry Christmas and a happy new year
That's better, Claire Bear.
(festive music crescendos)
I like your boots.
(dramatic music) (Clair chokes)
(body thudding)
(Blue sings) We wish you
A merry Christmas, we wish you
Merry Christmas.
(sinister music)
Bring it on.
Oh, this'll be good.
(ominous music)
(foot smacking) (balls crunching)
[Both] Ooh, right in
the entertainment center.
(fist smacking)
(body thudding)
Deck the balls with boughs of
(dramatic music)
You must be a freshman.
(head smacking) (freshman groans)
(ominous music)
(festive music)
(head smacking)
(head clattering)
(Blue sings) Smashing through some bros
In a
(ominous music)
One, two.
Hey, is that a vulnerable
drunk girl alone on the street?
(suspenseful music)
(neck squeaks)
(suspenseful music)
Bro?
How do I look, bro?
Dude,
(ominous music)
(footsteps clomping)
(ominous music)
(suspenseful music)
(owl hoots)
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
(Blue screams)
(sinister music)
(sinister music continues)
Nice toss, bro.
Where am I?
Don't even know where she's at.
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
Where am I?
Where am I?
[Jarrod] Dude, you did
some damage. (Laughs)
(sinister music)
Who are you?
Who are you?
This is Jared, Jax, Jeff.
What? What?
Bro, bro. Your face is why. It's bogus.
Oh, right, yeah.
And J
where the fuck's Johnny?
Johnny? Who's Johnny? (Laughs)
I'm Kurt.
Who am I?
You are...
(foot smacking) (dramatic music)
(ominous music)
Who am I?
You are the destroyer.
(Blue screams)
(head smacking) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(teeth crunching) (Alpha groans)
Fuck, guys. She bites.
(fist smacking)
Dammit. Not again.
(tense music)
(fist smacking)
(bodies thudding)
(ominous electronic music)
- Jeez.
- Yeah.
Of all my years as a detective.
I've never had a night like this one.
Really? I've had a-a couple, actually.
I wanna say 2014, it's
November, 'cause that
Shut up, McNulty.
Yeah, cool, yeah, yeah, mm.
But off the record, can we both agree
they kind of deserved it?
Off the record?
Yeah, fuck these two.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck these two sweaters.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em, right?
- No, look.
- I can unfuck them.
Alright. I get it, McNulty, I get it.
Go see if, er, we can get
some more light in here, huh?
I can do that.
Hold on, whoa. What is this?
Oh, I'm just gonna plug it in right here.
(electricity crackles) (sinister music)
- What the fuck, McNulty?
- I didn't. I'm... Unplug it.
Oh yeah, sorry, Sir. Okay.
Unplug.
Oh my God. I killed 'em. (Groans)
They're already dead, numb nuts.
Oh my God. (Laughs)
You're not gonna tell anyone though, right?
Oh yeah.
I'm gonna tell everyone
down at the precinct.
That was fucking amazing.
Okay, cool. I can do it again.
Now go check the rest
of the house, numb nuts.
That, yeah. No, yeah.
Okay. Excuse me, I'm sorry. (Clears throat)
(McNulty whistles)
(angelic music\)
Oh shit.
Hey, Detective Ford, can
you come look at this please?
What is it, McNulty?
If I have to guess, Sir,
I'd say it's some sort
of like special pajamas.
Size unconfirmed.
Oh.
So nice of you to join us.
Ha, serial killer. What'd I tell you?
Oh shit, notes.
(Autumn blows raspberry)
Good, well, bag 'em and tag 'em, huh?
Bag 'em yourself, dude.
Yeah, we're off in a half hour or so.
Peace out.
Hell yeah, rookie.
Screw you, Nulty-nuts.
It's a, it's a joke.
He doesn't wanna screw me, I don't think.
I don't...
I hope not.
Because I am straight.
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
I fucking hate clowns.
(dramatic music) (knife thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder rumbles)
(door chimes)
(raucous rock music plays)
Cry 'til dawn, never fall
Body's perfect, heed the call
Pure power standing tall
Fitness warriors digging it all
(raucous rock music continues)
(somber rock music)
Neon lights, shimmer and sweat
Power moves, never forget
Dance and flex, no regret
Iron angels always set
Sweat on steel, breaking chains
Driven hard, ignoring pain
Every beat they entertain
Thickness veins will reign
(raucous rock music) Sweat on steel
Breaking chains
Driven hard ignoring pain
Every beat they entertain
(footsteps approaching)
(hands clapping)
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous electronic music continues)
(shutters rattling)
You missed all the fun.
I just taught your
brothers a lesson in pain.
You went toe to toe
with four Alphas. (Scoffs)
How did you manage that?
I'm a girl.
Unlucky for you, girly.
I just went by the Alpha house
to pick up my fighting pants.
70% Dacron fibers. 30% Lycra.
Range of motion unlimited.
Rip proof, stain resistant
and made by seven year olds.
Let's party,
Bro, I'm the Alpha of all Alphas.
I'll talk slower.
Oh, I'm going to enjoy this.
I'm not gonna kill you right away.
I'm gonna drag it out for a while.
Make it hurt. Bad.
Hope you don't have anywhere to be,
because this might take all night.
Oh my God. You talk a lot.
You've no idea what you're dealing with.
Oh my God. What am I dealing with?
10 years football, two workouts
a day, seven days a week.
You know what I'm trying to put together?
What's the toaster's motive.
Like, seemed like he
had it pretty set here.
It's a nice house.
I'm sure he gotta use quite a bit.
Why? Why would he want kill this guy?
Did you even go to
detective school, McNulty?
There's a school?
[Johnny] An all protein
diet, seven years wrestling.
10 years boxing.
I was gonna say, was his
face that fucked up before?
Or you think the toaster like
got a couple punches in on him?
Water polo, All American
and 16 years of Taekwondo.
- Wah. Yah.
- (raucous rock music) Just kick butt
And not just punch face
Because karate is the way to move it
Roundhouse kicks
and spinning back fists
That is the way to do it
'Cause I'm better than you
And better than him and better than her
At beating up kids
Let's just kick butt
and let's just punch face
Because Karate is the way to rule it
Roundhouse kicks and spinning back
(ominous music)
Six seasons of Cobra Kai,
(ominous music)
(knife stabbing)
(Johnny groans)
(ominous electronic music)
My pants! My pants! (Whimpers)
My pants.
(suspenseful music)
(Johnny screams)
(ominous music)
That's Johnny. I know his cry anywhere.
Alphas.
(Alphas grunt)
My dick. My only weakness! (Whimpers)
(Johnny groans)
(knife slices)
(ominous music)
I feel like I should say
a really cool one-liner right now.
It's been a long fucking day.
So in the immortal words of Topanga
or Torrance or whatever her name is,
"Later, tater."
(ominous music)
This has to be it.
(ominous music)
(shutters rattling)
Johnny bro.
You can't die on me, bro.
You're my number one bro, bro.
(bell tolls)
Johnny!
Johnny!
(ominous electronic music)
We gotta find her and
we got a end her, bro.
We'll do it for Johnny, boys.
We'll do it for Johnny.
(bottles clinking)
Alphas, come out to pla-ay.
(ominous electronic music)
So, this a one at a time kind of thing.
Or family style?
Jax.
Valhalla, bro.
(glass smashing)
(body thudding)
(foot smacking) (skull crunching)
You got this, Jeff.
(foot stamping) (skull crunching)
(ominous music)
Why me?
Because you're a pledge.
Come on, bro.
Bro?
Bro.
[Jeff] Bro?
Bro.
Kurt, bro?
Bro. Come on, bro.
Bro?
Bro.
Bro.
Bro!
Kurt, bro?
Bro.
Consider it your initiation.
S-so if I pass, I'm officially an Alpha?
For sure, bro. Alpha's all the way.
They'll be singing praises
to you in the hallways.
Keggers will be thrown in your honor.
The hottest of hot babes'll be whispering
your name in their dreams.
"Jimmy."
My name's Jeff.
Whatever.
[Alphas] Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
Jeff. Jeff. (Jeff roars)
Go Jeff.
(knife slices) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
Major bummer, dude.
We're gonna need a new pledge.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Delta. Delta. Delta.
(ominous electronic music)
What's up, babe?
(Blue groans)
(laughs) Delta. Delta. Delta. Hoorah.
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha. Hoorah.
(Thunder strikes)
(electricity crackles)
(ominous music)
(Gertrude screams)
(electricity crackles)
Why would someone do this?
I think it was an accident.
Yep, I think this guy was
in a rush. Hear me out.
He was in a rush for a
meeting or something.
He's like, "oh, I gotta clean myself.
But I also want breakfast."
So how do I knock out
two birds with one stone?
- No, no, no, no.
- I get in the tub,
I put some toast in the toaster.
Someone took the toaster
and threw it in the tub.
Now you just sound crazy. Okay?
(ominous music)
(thunder rumbles) (Blue gasps)
Oh, what the fuck?
(ominous music)
Oh.
I'm just saying, maybe
the guy was onto something.
Maybe there's, hear me out.
You're in the shower,
right, but you're also hungry.
And it's also what, like
7:30 in the morning.
You know what sounds really good? Bacon.
- Bacon?
- What if, hear me out.
What if you could fry some
bacon while in the shower?
You wouldn't buy that.
Do you like smoke weed
before coming to work?
Is that what you do?
Because y-y-you're one weird dude, McNulty.
I ate a lot of paint chips as a kid.
I mean, who eats, who
eats bacon in the shower?
Uh, dreamers and believers, that's who.
(ominous electronic music)
(sinister music)
Grandpa, I'm home.
[Grandpa] Did you see
any serial killers out there?
Just one.
[Grandpa] That's great, honey.
(spooky festive piano music)
(spooky festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(bombastic festive music)
- Hi.
Boo.
Wah.
(sinister music)
Remember me?
(bombastic festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(eerie festive choral music)
(beam whooshes)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
(creature growls) (eerie festive music)
(bombastic festive music)
(body thudding)
(angelic music)
(bombastic festive music)
You know the drill.
(drill whirring)
(Kurt screams)
(hand whooshes)
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(dramatic music)
(bombastic festive music)
(bombastic festive music continues)
(meteor crashes)
(ominous music)
(bombastic festive music)
(somber festive music)
(tense music)
Lady Blue.
Got your usual booth.
(tense music)
(Blue groans)
What's the word?
The word is coffee, black.
Always bet on black.
Would you like some pie with that?
Hell no.
I had a slice of Pi earlier.
Oh yeah.
(tense music)
(menu slapping)
You ready to order yet? Are you ready?
Are you ready to order yet?
Fuck yo' mama, fuck
- Hey, Jarvis. Taste this.
Ooh, don't mind if I do.
Mm, creamy.
Mm. I like it.
You ready to order? Huh?
(menu slapping)
You ready? You ready to order? Huh?
Yeah, I'm ready.
What would you recommend?
I recommend stop being such a pussy.
(palm slapping)
Heather, quit calling
our customers pussies.
He likes it.
I do.
Oh yeah.
Okay, I think I'm ready.
Great.
What the fuck?
Which one of you dumb shits drew dicks
all over my notepad.
That would be what we call a team effort.
Wrong answer, numb nuts.
(palm slapping)
Ooh, ooh, me next, me next.
(footsteps approaching)
Tough day?
Tough day.
(ominous electronic music)
(door chimes) (thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic pop music)
Do you remember
The way you used to be
Before surrender
By daydream fantasy
We lost our voice
There was no choice
But I was lying
We were close to home
I heard you crying
As we walked alone
You feel the stream
Inside your brain
You've gotta pray for me
I'm on the inside
You are great for me
I can't take anymore grief
You got away from me
I'm on the outside
You are great for me
And now we say goodbye
He's a survivor
When I hear you plead
An older rival
We're fighting desperately
We take our lives
To pay the price
But I was dying
Breaking flesh and bone
I felt you trying
Volunteer unknown
The end is near
I have no fear
You got away from me
I'm on the outside
You are prey for me
And now we say goodbye
And now we say goodbye
And now we say goodbye
(fitness fanatic screams)
(thunder rumbles) (electricity crackles)
[Cook] Oh yeah.
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
We say goodbye
(ominous electronic music)
(music fades)
Halloween.
Best day of the year.
Slept in my costume.
Makeup is done.
Looking hot as hell.
All my friends are hot as hell too, but...
Not quite as hot as me. (Chuckles)
Which is awesome.
I love my life.
(dramatic music) (blood spatters)
(ominous music)
(sighs) Bummer.
(dramatic music) (blood spatters)
(tense music)
Wake the hell up, Marcy.
It's Hallo
(music swells)
(Annie screams)
(ominous music) (Annie gasps)
Did I lock the door?
(dramatic music)
(both scream)
(tense music)
(Annie screams) (knife stabbing)
(dramatic music)
Annie, what the fuck?
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
(woman screams)
(suspenseful music)
(footsteps clomping)
(door slamming)
(tense music)
(eerie electronic music)
(fist tapping)
(door squeaking)
Hello.
What happened to final girl?
Final girl always lives.
Right?
Always?
(dramatic music)
(woman gasps and screams)
(knife stabbing) (woman screams)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(woman screams) (blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(woman screams)
(blood spatters)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood spatters)
(woman screams)
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous electronic music continues)
Do you remember
The way you used to be
Before surrender
By daydream fantasy
We lost our voice
There was no choice
But I was lying
We were close to home
[Dispatcher] Dr. Monroe, line 12?
That's your costume?
It is. You like it?
Yeah.
Blue, that is so you.
(chuckles) I love it.
Oh my God, I love it. I love it.
This is genius. (Laughs)
You look rad. I wish I thought of that.
You did.
Last year when we were
recovering at the diner,
you said, "You know what?
Next year for Halloween,
I'm gonna be a nurse.
But not just any nurse,
I'm gonna be a sexy nurse."
And I said, "Oh, I like
that, I'm gonna steal that."
And then you passed out. Here we are.
You little thief.
(Blue giggles)
You look rad too.
Oh. (Scoffs)
This is true.
Hey, check it out.
(solemn music plays)
The Lone Pine Killer has been caught.
I repeat, the Lone Pine
Killer has been caught.
Just moments ago, while attempting to flee
from another set of murders,
some good local Samaritans chased her down
and held her until police arrived.
We have a few of the
gentlemen here who helped.
Can you please tell us your
names and what happened?
Yeah, I'm Crackerjack and oh, snap.
You look like that chick,
Tricia Takasaki from the news.
I am Tricia Takasaki.
Say what? Are you sure?
Don't touch my face.
Oh, you can touch my face.
(hand slapping)
Anyways, so there we were out on the corner
standing there like every other day,
and we see this maniac
running down the street
covered in blood.
And so we thought let's
chase her in the record store.
Yeah, but she had gone to
Home Depot or maybe Lowe's,
and she got this sharpened piece of metal,
she sharpened it to a fine
point and she put a handle on it.
A knife?
A what? That was a knife?
[Tricia] Sounds dangerous.
It was. Hot Tubs got stabbed twice.
[Tricia] Oh my goodness!
You should go to the emergency room.
Oh, he's fine.
(Hot Tubs coughs)
It do sting a bit.
Anyways, me, Crazy Bob, Hot Tubs,
we go in that record store
and we get into a melee.
Collateral damage ensues.
- And then boom!
- Boom.
- Heroes.
- Heroes.
And you ruined my reggae section.
- Oh, you're welcome.
- You're welcome.
[Tricia] I'm sorry, did you
say your name was Hot Tubs?
I think so.
I'm going to Disneyland.
- Get outta here, Crazy Bob.
- The heck outta here.
Don't mind him. He's stupid.
He works at Barnes and Noble.
- (chuckles) Barnes and Noble.
Various insults. Various insults!
Various insults! (Both yelp)
He's throwing various insults at us.
(Crazy Bob laughs)
Get down, he's hurling various insults.
Disneyland,
Ignore him, he thinks
Jason Priestley's Canadian.
He is Canadian.
- What the fuck?
- What the fuck?
You can't say fuck on the air.
You just did.
Anyways, the assailant was transferred
to a local hospital.
More details when they arise.
I will fuck you up, Hot Tubs.
You promise?
Did I mention he was Canadian?
(scoffs) Well, I hope they
don't come here. (Laughs)
(suspenseful music)
Okay.
Okay, what have we got?
Dude, this chick got
all fucked up and shit.
(laughs) It was pretty sick. I'm not gonna
Not you.
Multiple conditions, possible concussion.
Internal bleeding.
Total dick.
I heard that.
Oh yeah. Well, can you hear this?
Okay. Okay.
Hey, we-we'll take it from here.
Becca, you're with me.
Ooh yeah.
Alright. Pump your brakes.
I don't have any brakes.
You know what? On second thought, Milena.
Fuck yeah.
(Gertrude cackles)
Shut the fuck up, scarecrow.
(cackling continues)
[Dispatcher] Dr. Zoidberg to the lab.
Er, did you guys...
Did you see my gun anywhere?
(tense music)
No.
Shit. Okay, um.
(tense music)
So, that's the Long Pine Killer.
Yeah, that's what they're saying.
Fits the description too.
Think she got worked over pretty good.
Worked over? I heard she got fucked up.
Nice costume by the way.
You like?
Who do we have here?
Oh, this? This is my trainee, Autumn.
Autumn?
Every day.
I like that accent. Where's it from?
Oh, she's from... New Jersey.
(chuckles) The garden state?
So many gardens. (Chuckles)
Are you two done yet?
Are we done?
No.
So why do they call you Blue?
- Oh.
- That's why.
I love blueberries.
It's my last one.
Okay. Okay. Playtime's over.
Time to say goodbye. Goodbye, Autumn.
Goodbye, Autumn.
You know, um, I'm off at midnight.
Probably gonna go to the
diner just down the road.
For breakfast or...
Whatever. (Chuckles)
Good to know.
Let's go, rookie. Play doctor later.
[Dispatcher] Doc
Brown to the parking lot.
(mellow music)
(music fades)
That was smooth.
Shut up.
Aha. "I love your accent." (laughs)
Hey, hello.
Could you get our new visitor's vitals?
And something to calm her down.
She tried to bite me.
Twice.
I thought you liked getting bitten.
Ooh.
[Dispatcher] Dr. Loomis
to patient Myers' room.
Was that smooth?
No. No, it wasn't.
(sighs) Goddam it.
(McNulty laughs)
What? You don't do that with that thing.
You put it in the
Oh, you do. This girl is crazy.
Mm, I read that issue.
It's, er, yeah, it's. (Clears throat)
It's, it's, it's cool, it's cool.
- [Blue] Mm-hm.
- Yeah, er.
Wait, are you, are you going in there?
Ugh. Yeah.
Hey.
(upbeat rock music)
We, b-be careful, champ.
Careful's my middle name.
(palm slapping)
Mine's Brian.
It's actually Charles.
I don't know why I... Yoink!
- Gimme that back.
- What?
I said nice, nice costume.
What costume?
[Dispatcher] Dr. Evil. Line four.
Can you, do you wanna slap me too?
She's gone.
(sinister music)
So...
Who do we have here?
I am the destroyer.
The ender of all, the master of darkness
and killer of all who are judged.
Hmm. Says here your name's Gertrude.
Don't ever call me that! (Screams)
Sorry, Gerty.
So, Long Pine Killer, huh?
(tense music)
Another name I didn't choose.
Besides, I'm misunderstood.
I only kill people who deserve it.
Sorority girls, punk-ass kids, Karens,
people who drive BMWs,
cheerleaders, pizza delivery boys.
Pizza delivery boys?
- [Gertrude] Clowns.
- Oh, I fucking hate clowns.
Right?
Ugh.
(thunder rumbles)
Just in time for Halloween.
I hate thunder.
Why hate thunder? It's
the lightning that'll kill you.
Same difference.
When it's light outside like this too,
so cool.
(snorts) Blah.
[Blue] Okay, blah.
I have to take your vitals.
Are you gonna behave?
[Dispatcher]
Dr. Frankenstein to the morgue.
(tense music) (thunder cracks)
(ominous electronic
music) (electricity crackles)
(music fades)
[Dispatcher] Clean up on aisle seven.
Oh, hey. Hey, hey, hey. I need your help.
I need your help. I need your help.
Hey, guys, hey.
Um, it's not my fault what
happened, not my fault at all,
but I need your help so could
Help! Come on! Let's
go. I need your help now.
Okay, yeah, yeah.
(ominous music)
[Doctor] And you're sure you're okay?
I'm fine.
What happened?
Okay, so then like th-this thing, like,
it came from the sky and it was like big
and it went "pwow."
And then like, you got hurt.
And then, um...
So it's like really big, you know.
Like there's a big sound before it.
- Right.
- And it's really, it's...
(cop vocalizes lightning)
You can do it. I believe in you.
God, what is it?
Oh, er, Thomas with, like, kite
Starts an L. Come on.
- (sighs) Lemon.
- No, no.
Lead poisoning.
What? No.
- Lightning. Lightning.
- There we are.
Lightning?
Yeah, it's like this really
cool light. Like what he said.
A-and it comes down from the sky. Yeah.
I know what lightning is.
Ooh. Wow.
- Okay. (Chuckles)
You know what lightning is?
- "I'm a doctor,
"I know what lightning is."
- Yeah.
Why don't you fix people?
We don't know what lighting is.
What?
I'm fine. I'm just...
I'm just a bit shaken up.
Well, then you need to
let someone take you home
so you can rest, Blue.
It's Halloween.
I'm not, I'm not gonna get any rest
with all the trick or
treaters and fireworks.
I'm just better off here.
Okay, but you should go grab an empty bed
and lay down for at least 30 minutes, okay?
I can cover for you. Doctor's orders.
[Blue] You're a nurse.
Nurse's orders. Okay?
Melaina.
On it.
(Blue groans)
[Dispatcher] Dr. Detroit,
call the nurse's station.
Well, this one's toast.
I love toast.
Actually, toast is terrible for you.
It's actually garbage.
It doesn't do anything for the body.
It's just full of empty carbs.
(sinister music) (Gertrude screams)
(tense music)
Oh my God. I just now
noticed her nose is pierced.
That is cool.
I'm a big fan of the toast myself but...
What are you guys? You don't like it?
[Dispatcher] Dr. Lector to surgery.
What? It's good.
(ominous music)
(hand patting) (ghostly voice whispers)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
(dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(ghostly voice whispers) (music fades)
What the fuck?
(Blue screams) (sinister music)
- (distorted voices chatter indistinctly)
- I gotta get outta here.
(ominous music)
[Dispatcher] Visiting hours are over.
Please get the fuck out.
(ominous music)
(bell tolls)
(ominous music)
Oh no, you two.
Don't even think about
taking one step on my grass.
(raucous punk music) Punk rock girls
Gonna make you afraid
- Ooh!
Punk rock girls get outta the space
Punk rock girls
That's it. I'm calling the police.
What the shit?
The fuck...
Is that?
It's a phone.
Who you gonna call?
Okay, what are your names?
I'm Nunya and this is Deez.
Deez what?
Deez nuts.
What?
(girls giggle)
- Face.
- Face.
What are your names?
(girls giggle)
They're pretty and cool
And think you are a fool
(punk music fades)
And you.
Do you live around here?
What's your address?
123 Fuck Off Lane.
How dare you?
I'm calling the police.
Beat it, Karen.
How do you know my name?
Lucky guess.
Punk rock girls
Getting in your face (Karen screams)
Punk rock girls get outta this space
Punk rock girls, they
rule the fucking world
Punk rock girls, I
think they're gonna hurl
(swaggering rock music)
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck yo' mama
Fuck yo' mama then fuck yo' mama
(music fades)
[DJ] That was LL Cool
Beans with "Fuck Yo' Mama."
This next dedication is from
the Sheriff's Department,
going out to that pizza delivery boy
who put pineapple on their pizza.
"We will find you, Kevin,
and we will kill you."
You can do this.
You can do this. You got
this. No reason to be nervous.
It's just your third new job this week.
That's...
That's normal, right?
God, why am I such a fuck
up? Why am I talking to myself?
(hand slapping)
I needed that.
Let's go. Oh, pizza. Pizza.
(swaggering rock music)
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck yo' mama
Fuck yo' mama then fuck yo' mama
I said fuck yo' mama, fuck
(doorbell rings)
(raucous rock music plays faintly)
Perry's Pizza.
[Blue] Be there in a moment.
(rock music continues faintly)
(ornament snaps) (dramatic music)
Oh shit! Fuck!
[Blue] Coming.
You've got this, Kevin.
(raucous rock music)
She, she's the talk She
Talk of the town
All the time in my back seat
She, she's the talk She
Talk of the town
Whoa.
(rock music crescendos)
Hey. (Chuckles)
Well, who do we have here?
I'm...
Er, I should know this, um.
Kevin.
Whoa.
(Blue chuckles)
How do you know?
Lucky guess.
So, do you have my extra sausage?
(ominous electronic music)
(gulps) Yeah.
(voice breaking) Sausage.
(clears throat) Sausage.
E-e-extra sausage, er.
That'll, er, that'll be 19.88.
(Blue gasps)
Ooh. (Chuckles)
I have one slight problem.
I don't have any money.
I-I-I-I, you know, I mean, I-I...
Maybe I could pay you some other way.
(sinister music)
(knife thuds)
(body thuds)
(sinister music)
This isn't even sausage.
(Blue screams)
(knife stabbing)
(ominous music)
(upbeat funk music)
I said please don't fuck my mama
Or I will fuck your mama
So please
Okay, girls.
Halloween party at the office tonight.
So we have two hours to get totally hot.
But we're already totally hot.
I know.
(all giggle)
- Pi.
- Delta.
- Pi.
- [All] Go!
Please don't fuck my mama
[DJ] That was "Please Don't Fuck My Mama"
by MC Cheese Whizz.
Let's do this.
(slow pop music) Super hot
And we never lie
We'll hit the parties
and steal your guys
So do what we say or get out of our way
Say it loud and say it proud
Pi Delta Pi
"Oh, you're so short and fat."
"I wish I had your body."
I missed you guys.
(door squeaks)
But before we do
We gotta cheer for you
H-O-T
- (ornament snaps) (sinister music)
- Ugh.
Yo.
"Ooh, ah, I'm a monkey.
I'd like to lick my own butthole."
Acknowledge me.
Bunny?
(swaggering rock music)
She's got rhythm
Lets see her shake it
She's out there for all us to see
She's got moves
Man, she can groove
Just like those chicks on TV
Which way you looking
Hot-Blooded woman
Whichever one today
My heart keeps pounding
My eyes are wicked
Unless I watch 'em
dance again and again
That girl's long blond hair
The chick really knocks me out
(music fades)
Oh my God. Pizza. Are we having pizza?
No, we're having pizza.
You're still on probation, noob.
Now go slap yourself twice
and face the wall until I say otherwise.
(palms slapping)
Um, you're late.
Am I?
Yeah, the ad says
30 minutes or it's free.
Oh yeah.
What time did you order?
[All] 6:27.
Mm, and what time is it now?
[All] 7:57.
That's 30 minutes.
That's 90 minutes.
Yeah...
Kevin. (Sinister music)
Yeah, well, time is an illusion.
She's right.
And the moon is in retrograde.
Shut up, Kiki. We
are not paying for that.
Well, you're gonna
pay one way or another.
Who do you think you are?
Kevin. Duh.
(gasps) Do you guys
remember "Kevin" Kevin?
- Oh, the fine-ass?
- He was so cute.
- He was so cute.
- Zip it, dip shits!
We are not dip shits.
Yeah, we're...
[All] Pi Delta Pi.
The apple of your eye.
Ah, sorority girls.
In that case, I'll talk a little slower.
Listen, I feel bad.
So why don't I just refund you your money
and we can all finish this pizza together.
[All] Yay.
I get the first slice.
(sinister music)
How about before we eat,
we all have a good old
fashioned pillow fight?
(girls gasp)
Okay.
[All] Yay.
(swaggering rock music)
(sinister music)
[All] Bummer.
(ominous electronic music)
Sorry. Every Pi for themselves.
(Pi groans)
I made out with Johnny.
(ominous electronic music)
[Bunny] Who's Johnny.
So, no pillow fight?
[Blue] Nope.
Oh, okay.
(sinister music)
(ominous electronic music)
(blood squirting)
(ominous electronic music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous electronic music)
(tense music)
(ominous electronic music)
(Blue whistles)
(lavatory flushes)
(heartbeat pounding)
(tense music)
(knife thudding) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
Did you miss me?
No.
(Bunny gasps) (knife slices)
(blood splashing)
(ominous electronic music) (door squeaks)
Hello?
Anybody in here?
(ominous electronic music)
Jesus.
Hm, Mr. Cuddle-bumps.
(squeaks) Fuck you.
Alright. You have two options.
You can either come out
or Mr. Cuddle-bumps gets it.
(tense music)
(ominous electronic music)
Hello.
(ominous electronic music)
(girls grunting) (fists smacking)
[Pi] Fuck you, bitch.
No one gets a slice of this Pi.
(slow pop music) We are the girls
Of Pi Delta Pi
We're super hot
And we never lie
- Fuck me?
(sinister music) We'll hit the parties
And steal your guys
So do what we say or get out of our way
Say it loud and say it proud
At ease, soldier.
Pi Delta Pi
The apple of your eye
We're hot as hell
and we can't even spell
We like to cheer and yell
We'll probably go to hell
But before we do
We gotta cheer for you
Alright, one more delivery.
(engine struggles)
Nice car, Kevin.
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
(bell tolls)
(spooky festive music)
Christmas lights? What the fuck?
Whoa. Got any pizza?
(festive music continues)
(shirt tearing)
Stupid-ass fucking...
Dumb-ass fucking stupid shirt.
(festive music continues)
Keep it. (Sinister music)
Wait, what the hell?
Wait up. What's the hurry?
(spooky festive music)
What's your name?
(book swishes) (cat meows)
Mine's Torrance.
The silent type, huh?
I can dig that. I got you. I got you.
Oh! Wanna go trick or treating?
My bestie Aria's grounded,
so I'm totally free.
Where are your parents?
My dad's asleep. My mom's dead.
Bummer? Yes, but she
still haunts this place.
If you look up at just the right time,
you might see her in the top floor window.
Cool, huh?
Okay, wait here, wait here.
I gotta go get my
costume. I'm gonna go get it.
Don't move. Don't move.
(spooky festive music)
(ominous music)
Yeah. Fuck this.
(spooky festive music)
Oh, what the fudge?
Wait up.
They're going to come to
town and spread a lot of fear
But when they get slapped
down, I think you're gonna cheer
(fast punk music)
'Cause they're frat dudes
Ruining your party
'cause they're frat dudes
Drinking your Bacardi
'cause they're frat dudes
They never say they're sorry
Looking good, Kurt.
Looking real good.
Your name is Kurt and you're looking good.
Alpha, Alpha, where
the hell's your beer
Alpha, Alpha, my
girlfriend likes to cheer
(sinister electronic music)
- Kiki?
What happened to you? Who did this?
Was it the Omegas?
Sexy.
Sexy? What?
Sexy.
Yeah, sexy. Totally sexy.
You look, you look fire, babe.
No, sexy pizza.
Oh yeah, I'm sorry.
No pizza for me. I'm trying
to stay cut and lean, you know.
You know what cut means, right?
I-I'd love to explain it to you.
(Kiki coughs)
Sexy pizza nurse.
(ominous music)
Nobody slices my Pi.
(Johnny laughs)
Johnny, gather the boys
and meet me at the Pi house.
[Johnny] Whoa.
Hang up.
(ominous music)
You look good.
No, you look good.
No, I look good.
Alright, let's all give
a moment of silence
for what we're about to do.
(dramatic music)
- Hey guys.
(ghosts gasp)
- Jeez, Butch.
I nearly pissed my pants.
I nearly pissed your pants.
(chuckles) You gotta
keep the troops on their toes.
Okay boys, I have gathered you here today
on the greatest of all days
to reign terror on this
unsuspecting little neighborhood.
If any of you do anything
less than maximum havoc,
then you'll have to spend
the night at the Romero House.
(sinister music) (ghostly voice screams)
Josh, you go find some, er,
unattended bowls of candy.
Petey, sweet, sweet Petey, come here,
Sir?
You go steal candy from
some dumb girls or something.
What if they're smart girls?
Then you're fucked. Off you go.
Last but not least, my man Dex.
The Dexonator, the legend.
It's true. I am a legend.
Don't get cocky.
Sorry, Butch.
Your job if you choose to accept it,
is to TP every tree on this neighborhood
starting with this one.
Consider it done, boss.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna do what I was born to do.
Smash the living shit outta
some damn pumpkins. Duh!
(both laugh)
Sorry.
(ominous piano music)
(ominous music)
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous music)
(sinister music)
(stoner rock music)
Smashing pumpkins is my game
B-U-T-C-H is my name
They call me Butch
Hello, beautiful.
I have the power!
(pumpkin smashing) (ominous music)
Butch.
Can I try?
Sure.
(head smacking) (sinister music)
Butch? (Scoffs)
More like bitch.
(head smacking) (bone crunching)
(crunching continues) (sinister music)
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
Huh, works for me.
I can't count, suckers.
(ominous music)
(dramatic music) Watch it, grandma.
What did that sign say?
[Josh] Please take one.
Looks like you took a
whole lot more than one.
You think you deserve all that candy?
Er, yeah, Frankenhooker.
Yeah, I do too.
(sack smacking) (balls crunching)
Oh, right in my Lucky Charms.
(upbeat hip-hop music) Slap that ass
Then you slap that ass
(sack thudding) You gotta slap that ass
Then you slap that ass, got it
(sack thudding) Now repeat after me
Slip and slap
Give that booty a little
tap (thudding continues)
Now don't get me wrong
(sinister music) It
ain't the end of the song
But one more slap might do
(ominous music)
No blueberry?
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous music)
Whoa, gnarly.
What's your diagnosis, rookie?
He got seriously fucked up.
Agreed.
I don't know.
I mean, could just be
like allergic to pumpkin
or something like that.
What the hell are you
doing here, McNulty?
(laughs) What's up, man?
You're supposed to be at the hospital
babysitting the Lone Pine Killer.
Oh, shit! No wait, no.
I'm good, she's dead.
So we're, no, we're good.
Dead?
Yeah, you know, she like...
She kicked the bucket so...
She went belly up.
She bought the farm.
She, er, she took that like
permanent vacation or whatever.
She fucked the cupcake.
I know what dead means, McNulty.
- Oh.
- How?
Er, lightning came in.
(trills) Like that.
- Fuck off.
- Okay.
No, not you, numb-nuts. Get back here.
Fucked the cupcake. Really?
Yeah.
Alright, kids. What have you got?
Dead kid ready for a Ziploc?
Not 'til we make it official.
You heard him, rookie.
Totally neutralized.
Time of destruction, 8:27 PM.
I believe the official term
is "fucked the cupcake."
Cause of death?
I don't know, man. He
was probably a teenager.
He probably jacked off too hard and died.
Eugh.
(woman screams) (Ford spits)
Jesus. What the fuck was that?
McNulty, go check that out.
(laughing) Yeah. "Go check that out."
By myself? Yeah, okay.
But no, by myself for real though?
What the fuck?
There's people that can
This is not a safe neighborhood.
- Would you check it out?
- Yeah. (Screams)
Fucking idiot.
(dramatic music)
- Oh Jesus Christ.
- What the fuck?
(ominous music)
Is this like continental
or is this two ply stuff,
the cheap stuff, you know, like...?
(child screams)
- Holy shit! What the fuck?
Should, should we help that girl?
That was McNulty?
(sinister music)
Oh God. What the fuck? Hey. (Chuckles)
I like your...
You got like a little demon thing going on.
That's kind of...
It's cool. (Laughs)
I'm a succubus, numb-nuts.
I'm a suck? What?
Oh, I'm a Virgo.
(dramatic music) (group yelps)
It's a shame, isn't it?
Yep. Yep. Total shame.
Such a little, no, I
didn't really like him.
Throwing out a perfectly good white kid.
I think the term is honky.
Punk rock girls
Whatever, I'm gonna
go get full sized candy bars.
Okay.
Becky?
Becky, come on, come on.
Check it out. Geekos.
Oh rad.
Hey, I think there's a
haunted house around here.
No way.
Way.
Er, but we should count
our candy first and then
Punk rock girls getting in your face
[Both] Whoa.
What's up, little kitties?
Kicking ass and taking names.
Making a killing.
What about you?
(sinister music)
Same. You guys got
anything blueberry in there?
[Becky] Er, just chocolate mostly.
Bummer.
(sinister music)
Well you have a good
night, and watch out.
Some dipshit a couple of houses down
was giving out apples.
And toothbrushes.
Total jerkwads, right?
Totally.
(footsteps receding)
(raucous punk music)
Did that bitch have a knife?
[Becky] Bitches be bonkers.
You wanna get like a drink or something?
(swaggering rock music)
No? Okay. Alright. Cool. Cool.
I'll just call
Every time.
(upbeat punk music)
They want all your snacks
And step on all the cracks
Whoa.
We kicked butt this year.
Big time.
Let's sort it into three titles.
One for you,
one for me,
and one for our soul sister Ruby,
who sprained her ankle roller skating.
Oh, and save one piece
each for the Cat God.
May she watch over and protect us forever.
(sinister music)
Boo. (Laughs)
I get this. (Laughs)
(ominous music)
Run. Run.
Oh shoot. Where am I?
Weren't you listening?
(Petey laughs)
Suckers
(body thudding)
(ominous music)
(knife swishing)
My turn.
(sinister music) (knife thuds)
(ominous music)
(footsteps huffling)
Oh, that's a...
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.
You're good, right? Tell me.
Goddam it. Oh, okay.
(ominous music)
(McNulty coughs)
Right there.
Put that there.
Okay, no body, no paperwork.
- We're good. (Sirens approaching)
- Cops! Shit!
[Blue] Shh.
(knife scraping) (sinister music)
No screaming.
Pick up the candy.
Well, we still have the apples
and toothbrushes and raisins.
Let's go kick that little punk's ass.
Yeah.
You know, revenge is
a dish best served now.
[Both] She was listening.
(ominous music)
Can we go trick or treating now?
(sighs) Fine.
(tense music)
(Alphas gasp)
Alright, alright. Looking
good, brothers. Looking sharp.
And handsome. (Laughs)
Yeah.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
Johnny?
Present.
Jerry?
Present.
Jax?
Present.
And last and most certainly least, Jeff.
Oh, what the fuck, man?
Shut the fuck up, pledge.
Present I guess.
What are these costumes for anyway?
It's Halloween, dumb-ass.
What are we supposed to be?
We're douche bags. Duh.
But we're already douche bags.
Yeah, but we're not just
any douche bags, douche bag.
We're eighties douche bags,
the greatest of all douche bags.
[Alphas] Whoa.
The mission, if you choose to accept,
find a sexy pizza nurse who
diced up three of our babes
and show her what's up.
[All] Yeah!
That's what I like to hear.
As is tradition, sitting in
front of you are two shots.
First, a shot of Hunky Steve's Bro Juice.
(pompous hair-metal music)
Hunky Steve's Bro Juice
Bro Ju-u-u-uice
The sourest, meanest,
bitchiest shot known to man.
Suck that puppy down and chase it
with the coolest, smoothest,
greatest shot known to man,
the Richard Grieco.
What's in it?
It's on a need to know basis, bro.
[Alphas] Whoa!
I'm gonna need to know, bro.
Cream soda and peppermint schnapps
rung through a sock
full of Sour Patch Kids.
But don't tell anyone.
Nice.
Down to hatch, brothers.
Let's power up!
(tense music)
Oh.
I can't see.
Oh shit. Me neither.
That's okay. That's just
the temporary blindness.
Just, it'll go away once
you down the Grieco.
(tense music)
Woo! Let's power up.
Come on, power up.
(chilled electronic music)
[All] Alpha! Alpha! Alpha!
Hoorah-rah!
(thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic music)
(door squeaks)
(ominous electronic music)
(apple whooshes)
(ominous electronic music)
Oh, here, I got you one.
Thanks.
(fist pounding)
(door clunks and squeaks)
Oh, what do we have here?
Trick or treat.
Aren't you two a little
old to be trick or treating?
My friend is very old.
Yes, the cracks are definitely showing.
But she was held back a few
grades because of the accident.
Oh, heavens. What accident?
She was hit in the head by a coconut.
Or coconuts to be more specific.
Ow.
Coconut? Really?
Oh.
Oh, I guess it'll be alright.
And, er, I do love cats.
Meow. (Laughs)
Meow.
Meow. (Yelps) (Blue growls)
Okay. There you go.
Have a nice treat.
Seriously?
Yes. Now fuck off.
(sinister music) (door slams)
Wait here.
(ominous electronic music)
(horror film plays on TV)
[Vampire On TV] And don't worry.
He won't die tonight. (Judith groans)
That's my sister's style, not mine.
Unless they ask for it. (Laughs)
You must be outta your head if you think
it'll be that easy to kill me.
[Vampire On TV] You AIs
need to learn to keep an eye
Ooh. (Laughs)
(glass breaks) (vampire on TV laughs)
(ominous electronic music)
Mr. Muffins?
You'd better not be on my dresser again.
(ominous electronic music)
(cat meows)
(Judith laughs)
I knew it was you, Mr. Muffins.
You had me scared there for a moment.
(sinister music) (Judith screams)
(suspenseful music)
(switch clicking)
(phone beeping)
(phone ringing)
(raucous metal music plays loudly)
- (phone ringing) (suspenseful music)
- (raucous metal music plays loudly)
Sweet cascades yours to play
Strive for more every day
(phone ringing) (suspenseful music)
Pure delight
(metal music stops)
Hello?
Holly?
Holly, it's Grandma.
Put your mom on the line.
No can do.
She went next door to
get more candy. What's up?
Someone's here.
Third time this week, huh?
What? No, no.
Th-this time it's real.
(suspenseful music)
The shower curtain grabbed me.
Did you forget to take your medication?
Or perhaps took a glass of wine or three?
Okay, I may have had a
few glasses of wine, but...
Just go check the bathroom.
I bet there's nothing there.
Watch some TV, maybe eat something,
and no more wines, plural or singular.
Bye-ee.
(raucous metal music plays)
(phone cuts off)
(Judith sighs)
That little shit.
(tense music)
I can do this.
(tense music)
(Judith whimpers)
(dramatic music)
(Judith laughs)
Hello? (Laughs)
Relax, Judith.
It's gonna be okay. (Chuckles)
No more wine. No more wine.
(thunder rumbles)
Maybe a quick catnap will help.
(cat meows)
Mr. Muffins, you're gonna
be the death of me. (Sighs)
(apple thuds) (ominous electronic music)
What the heck?
(apple thuds) Ow! Dang it!
What the fuck?
(footsteps approaching)
(sinister music)
Not Mr. Muffins.
(toothbrushes stabbing)
(sinister music)
(toothbrushes stabbing)
(sinister music)
(toothbrushes slashing)
(head thudding)
(blood squirting)
Okay.
(footsteps receding)
Hey there, Mr. Muffins. You're free now.
(cat meows)
(ominous music)
Were those toothbrushes?
(chuckles) Now that's fucked up. (Laughs)
(ominous music)
(door squeaks)
Now what?
Now we...
(ominous music)
Do you see that?
(thunder rumbles)
Oh my God. A clown.
I love clowns.
Yeah, you would.
Can we catch him?
(footsteps receding)
(sinister music)
(ominous electronic music)
Come on.
(ominous electronic pop music)
You've been restless
I can see in your eyes
Leave me breathless
I know what it implies
Under fire but there's ice in my veins
But there's ice in my veins
My desire, only static remains
Only static remains
So low
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous music)
(Gertrude roars) (Blue screams)
(ominous music) (Blue gasps)
(Blue groans)
That must have been some dream.
Black licorice?
Okay, okay. Jeez.
Candy corn?
Gag.
Are you sure?
Gag.
Okay.
Do you think there's a higher power?
Or is life an existential mystery
never to be grasped and comprehended
by us mere Earthlings?
(eyes squeak)
Did you know I can
name all seven continents?
Go for it.
Hawaii, Japan,
New Orleans.
Bloom and Onion?
Oh my God. Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, the two of you.
All I can hear is you two
yammering on about God knows what!
It's not a fucking slumber
party! This is my home!
I am a city bus driver, okay.
Do you have any idea the physical toll
that driving a city bus for
nine hours takes on one's loins?
These loins are cold!
They're ice cold and I
need to warm them up!
It's terrible!
And I just wanna sit and soak in my tub
and all I can hear is
Tweedledee and Tweedle-dipshit
talking about nonsense!
Get outta my property!
If I have to put my kimono
on again and come out here,
I swear to God you're both toast!
Toast!
Fuck!
(door squeaks)
(both laugh)
Wait here.
[Torrance] Where are you going?
Toast sounds really good right now.
[Torrance] What?
(door squeaks)
(gentle pop music plays faintly)
Tweedle-dipshit?
Which one am I?
I'm gonna enter you.
(ominous music)
Hm, oh, come on in here. Duckeroo Banzai.
Oh, and look who's joining us.
"Who the fuck is that?"
What? Watch your mouth, Duckaroo.
That's our old friend, Bloodsucker Jones.
"But I'm afraid of black people."
"What, motherfucker?"
[Blue] Hello there.
Blueberry. Hell yeah.
You gotta understand that
th-they're more afraid of us
than we are of them.
"Motherfucker, what you just say?"
(laughs) Oh, Bloodsucker Jones,
always calling me on my shit.
That's why it's good
to have a black friend.
And they're afraid of
water, don't forget that.
"What? Well, alright then,
Th-that's actually sometimes true."
You guys can be best friends if you just,
if you just remember that
the color of people's skin
only sort of matters. (Chuckles)
- (Blue gasps)
- (ominous music) (water sloshes)
Hello? I-is someone out there?
Mom?
Yank.
(ominous electronic music)
(footsteps clomping)
(ominous electronic music)
(kimono whooshes)
Do you remember
Oh no. Mr. Kimono,
you were almost paid off.
Mr. Kimono? (Sinister music)
Are you here for sex stuff?
"Oh damn."
What?
Toaster.
(electricity crackling)
(water sloshing)
(footsteps receding)
(ominous music)
Let's hit it, Topanga.
It's Torrance. (Phone chimes)
Oh crap. Curfew.
Gotta go.
[Blue] What? You're leaving?
But it was just about to get fun.
[Torrance] Aw, aren't you sweet?
Later, tater.
(ominous electronic pop music)
What the fuck?
Topanga?
Tweedle-dipshit?
Okay.
Mean to you
(upbeat hip-hop music)
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
Two honkys in the street
Got the rhythm, got the beat
Hot Tubs and Crackerjack
Gonna find where your mama at
They like to eat them burritos
And still kiss Cheetos
off the top of 'bello steak
All they eat enchidos
'Cause they Hot Tubs and Crackerjack
You gonna get your money back
(music fades)
Dude, do you remember
when you got stabbed?
Remember? Like it was yesterday.
It was this morning.
Oh shit. Street cred.
- Yeah!
- Woo. Boom.
Ha, I like street cred.
Everybody likes street cred.
(ominous music)
(Hot Tubs laughs)
Beat it, buckwheat.
Yeah, step off, honky.
- [Crackerjack] Oh shit.
- Oh my God.
We didn't know you was handsome.
What is your wish, sir?
Looking for the pizza nurse.
(laughs) That shit don't exist.
It is a myth.
Unless you watch Cinemax.
(laughs) Cinemax. He said Cinemax.
The fuck is Cinemax?
[Both] Ouch.
I was told you two are the best.
We are the best.
You are the worst.
Climb back in your bimmar and beat off.
The hell did you just say to me?
[Hot Tubs] Yo, show some
respect to the Crackerjack.
(chilled hip-hop music)
(shirt rips)
[Both] Respect.
Did you see that shit?
That was nuts.
Oh, got something for you.
- Oh yeah.
- There you go, buddy.
Middle management, here I comes.
That's what dreams are made of, isn't it?
It is.
No sign of her.
- Here, bro.
- Thanks bro.
(raucous punk music) We are the Alphas
I think you know the rest
Hot bananas?
You know we are the tops
So please don't call the cops
Or think about drinking
our peppermint schnapps
Did you kill my girlfriend?
No way. Did you kill my girlfriend?
Not even.
Sure about that, Delta?
(ominous electronic music)
How'd you know?
(scoffs) I could smell the
Cheetos and Axe body spray.
(Jeff laughs)
Shut up, freshman.
(laughs) Stupid.
(ominous electronic music)
[Both] Whoa.
Well, if it isn't Chad Michael Chad.
Seventh year senior, class president,
water polo champion
and leader of the Deltas.
Let's waste this Caucasian.
We can't. (Hand slapping)
[Jeff] Why not?
Yeah, why can't we, little brother.
Whoa. Plot twist.
Don't call me that.
I'm 13 days older than you.
Yeah, but I'm taller
and my mom's way hotter.
(Alphas laugh)
Dude, take it back. You
know my mom's way hotter.
Relax, bro. You know I got your back.
Anytime, anywhere. Just
make the call and I'll be there.
Well, how about now?
We're on a nonstop epic adventure
to avenge Our super hot babes.
No. (Laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
Alright, let's split up.
Johnny, Jax, head that way.
Jared, Jeff, see if you
see anything down there.
I'm lone wolfing it tonight
to see if I see anything.
First one to find her
gets a sixer of Natty Ice.
[All] Yeah.
Hurry up, pledge.
Whoa.
Whoa. (Laughs)
Whoa.
(sinister music)
(both laugh)
This thing is rad, bro. (Laughs)
Focus, bro.
Alright. Right, bro.
Where is this chick?
Yeah, bro. Normally I'm
super good at scoping out chicks.
[Both] Yeah.
(hands slapping)
Alright. You go check down that way.
I'm gonna stay here and look good.
Yeah.
(ominous electronic music)
Hey, small people. Quick question.
Have you seen any pizza nurses?
What the fuck is a pizza nurse?
I don't know. It's been a long night.
Hey, candy. Let me get some of that.
Oh sure. Well, how about you...
(knife swishes) Beat it, fucknut?
Whoa. Or what?
(leg swishing)
(Valerie speaks Spanish)
Oh shit. Spanish.
(Alpha whimpers) (girls giggle)
[Both] Toodles.
(sinister music)
(McNulty cackles)
It's a dead body. Alright, that's
What the f...?
Where did you get that
hat from? I have not
Would you get that thing outta my eyes?
Yeah. Sorry. I just
haven't seen that hat.
I shouldn't have
gotten you that flashlight.
Well, thank you either way.
What? Gross. (Chuckles)
That's some kind of sick shit.
[McNulty] Tacky.
Where's your gun, McNulty?
Where's your...?
Shit, where is my gun?
Oh, wait, no, I think it's at, er...
Chuck E. Cheese.
You think?
What the hell were you
doing at Chuck E. Cheese?
You don't have any kids.
Well, you don't have
to have kids to go there.
(scoffs) I mean anyone
can go 'cause it's a great time
and it's for everyone.
So I go with some kids and it's great.
They got great pizza.
I know where my gun
is. It is in the ball pit.
I'll just, I'll grab it when
we leave here. Chill out.
Well, it's about time.
Chill, bruh. We had to
stop and get some donuts.
As a cop you gotta respect that.
I do. I do respect that.
So did you bring some for all of us.
Oh, of course.
Got one for each of
you on the Death Mobile.
Got one for each of us.
None for him though. He's got diabetes.
No, I...
(scoffs) I don't, I swear.
That's just a rumor. I don't have diabetes.
I don't even know what
diabetes is so jokes on
(whispering) It's when
the pancreas stops working,
it secretes sugar into the bloodstream
and causes a heart attack and stroke.
I have diabetes.
(ominous music)
We gotta get out of this
neighborhood. It's rough.
We'll never find the
chick in a billion years.
Look, there she is.
How do you know?
We're looking for a sexy nurse, right?
If you've seen my browser history,
you would know if there's
one thing I'm an expert on,
it's sexy nurses.
And that, my brother, is one sexy nurse.
Plus, look at the hat.
[Both] Pizza.
(both laugh)
(ominous electronic music)
You got something to say?
(neck squeaks)
I'm thinking someone like
came through the back door,
maybe like a window,
and they were just like,
"What up, lady?"
Shut the fuck up, McNulty.
Alright, you two know the
drill. What's the diagnosis?
Diagnosis? Dead.
Super dead.
Quit fucking around,
Billy. Make it official.
- Holy shit.
- What?
She's dead.
Oh my God! No, wait. We knew that.
That is one fucked cupcake.
Looks like you got a real serial killer
on your hands here, Chief.
It's Detective.
And let's leave the detecting
to the detectives, okay?
Sorry.
Box up these leftovers.
Get 'em over to the morgue.
He may be right.
Might be a serial killer, - Hm.
Then again, any woman who gives out
apples and toothbrushes on Halloween
might have made a few enemies.
Yeah, she sounds
like a real piece of shit.
Am I right? (Laughs)
- McNulty?
- Yeah.
What did I say about the winking?
You said not to wink.
Exactly.
Oh, gotcha, gotcha.
Oh shit! That was the last one.
Are you sure I have diabetes?
(ominous electronic music)
Cat got your tongue?
(neck squeaks)
Oh, speaking of cats,
have you seen one
around here, about yay big.
(neck squeaks)
(sinister music)
Is this all you ever do?
(sinister music)
(festive music)
Hey, hon?
Have you seen Prancer?
I found all the others. Except for Prancer.
We can't have a Christmas
display without Prancer.
We most certainly cannot.
I'll take another look in the closet.
I'll help.
Thanks, honey bunny.
Anything for my Claire Bear.
(Claire gasps)
Not in front of the neighbors.
Oh, what the fuck?
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
(Claire gasps)
If we can get this done soon
I'll put on my special pajamas
and we can cozy up with a glass of eggnog.
Oh, Claire, that sounds like
Bullshit.
Oh my goodness. What
are you doing in our home?
What is the meaning of this?
What is the meaning of "this?"
[Both] It's Christmas.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's Hallo-fucking-ween.
Well, we like to get a head start
and we don't celebrate Halloween.
Hm.
Don't celebrate Halloween?
[Both] It's the devil's holiday.
(chuckles) Can't you guys
just decorate on December 1st
like normal people?
I mean, what in the fuck
is wrong with you two?
Matt, you do something?
(upbeat festive music)
(bauble smashes)
(ominous music)
That was a mistake, Matthew?
- Oh.
- (sinister music)
(Matthew chokes) Wish
you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year (body thudding)
(ominous music)
Seriously?
Merry Christmas and a happy new year
That's better, Claire Bear.
(festive music crescendos)
I like your boots.
(dramatic music) (Clair chokes)
(body thudding)
(Blue sings) We wish you
A merry Christmas, we wish you
Merry Christmas.
(sinister music)
Bring it on.
Oh, this'll be good.
(ominous music)
(foot smacking) (balls crunching)
[Both] Ooh, right in
the entertainment center.
(fist smacking)
(body thudding)
Deck the balls with boughs of
(dramatic music)
You must be a freshman.
(head smacking) (freshman groans)
(ominous music)
(festive music)
(head smacking)
(head clattering)
(Blue sings) Smashing through some bros
In a
(ominous music)
One, two.
Hey, is that a vulnerable
drunk girl alone on the street?
(suspenseful music)
(neck squeaks)
(suspenseful music)
Bro?
How do I look, bro?
Dude,
(ominous music)
(footsteps clomping)
(ominous music)
(suspenseful music)
(owl hoots)
(suspenseful music)
(dramatic music)
(Blue screams)
(sinister music)
(sinister music continues)
Nice toss, bro.
Where am I?
Don't even know where she's at.
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
Where am I?
Where am I?
[Jarrod] Dude, you did
some damage. (Laughs)
(sinister music)
Who are you?
Who are you?
This is Jared, Jax, Jeff.
What? What?
Bro, bro. Your face is why. It's bogus.
Oh, right, yeah.
And J
where the fuck's Johnny?
Johnny? Who's Johnny? (Laughs)
I'm Kurt.
Who am I?
You are...
(foot smacking) (dramatic music)
(ominous music)
Who am I?
You are the destroyer.
(Blue screams)
(head smacking) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
(teeth crunching) (Alpha groans)
Fuck, guys. She bites.
(fist smacking)
Dammit. Not again.
(tense music)
(fist smacking)
(bodies thudding)
(ominous electronic music)
- Jeez.
- Yeah.
Of all my years as a detective.
I've never had a night like this one.
Really? I've had a-a couple, actually.
I wanna say 2014, it's
November, 'cause that
Shut up, McNulty.
Yeah, cool, yeah, yeah, mm.
But off the record, can we both agree
they kind of deserved it?
Off the record?
Yeah, fuck these two.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck these two sweaters.
Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em, right?
- No, look.
- I can unfuck them.
Alright. I get it, McNulty, I get it.
Go see if, er, we can get
some more light in here, huh?
I can do that.
Hold on, whoa. What is this?
Oh, I'm just gonna plug it in right here.
(electricity crackles) (sinister music)
- What the fuck, McNulty?
- I didn't. I'm... Unplug it.
Oh yeah, sorry, Sir. Okay.
Unplug.
Oh my God. I killed 'em. (Groans)
They're already dead, numb nuts.
Oh my God. (Laughs)
You're not gonna tell anyone though, right?
Oh yeah.
I'm gonna tell everyone
down at the precinct.
That was fucking amazing.
Okay, cool. I can do it again.
Now go check the rest
of the house, numb nuts.
That, yeah. No, yeah.
Okay. Excuse me, I'm sorry. (Clears throat)
(McNulty whistles)
(angelic music\)
Oh shit.
Hey, Detective Ford, can
you come look at this please?
What is it, McNulty?
If I have to guess, Sir,
I'd say it's some sort
of like special pajamas.
Size unconfirmed.
Oh.
So nice of you to join us.
Ha, serial killer. What'd I tell you?
Oh shit, notes.
(Autumn blows raspberry)
Good, well, bag 'em and tag 'em, huh?
Bag 'em yourself, dude.
Yeah, we're off in a half hour or so.
Peace out.
Hell yeah, rookie.
Screw you, Nulty-nuts.
It's a, it's a joke.
He doesn't wanna screw me, I don't think.
I don't...
I hope not.
Because I am straight.
(sinister music)
(ominous music)
I fucking hate clowns.
(dramatic music) (knife thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(thunder rumbles)
(door chimes)
(raucous rock music plays)
Cry 'til dawn, never fall
Body's perfect, heed the call
Pure power standing tall
Fitness warriors digging it all
(raucous rock music continues)
(somber rock music)
Neon lights, shimmer and sweat
Power moves, never forget
Dance and flex, no regret
Iron angels always set
Sweat on steel, breaking chains
Driven hard, ignoring pain
Every beat they entertain
Thickness veins will reign
(raucous rock music) Sweat on steel
Breaking chains
Driven hard ignoring pain
Every beat they entertain
(footsteps approaching)
(hands clapping)
(ominous electronic music)
(ominous electronic music continues)
(shutters rattling)
You missed all the fun.
I just taught your
brothers a lesson in pain.
You went toe to toe
with four Alphas. (Scoffs)
How did you manage that?
I'm a girl.
Unlucky for you, girly.
I just went by the Alpha house
to pick up my fighting pants.
70% Dacron fibers. 30% Lycra.
Range of motion unlimited.
Rip proof, stain resistant
and made by seven year olds.
Let's party,
Bro, I'm the Alpha of all Alphas.
I'll talk slower.
Oh, I'm going to enjoy this.
I'm not gonna kill you right away.
I'm gonna drag it out for a while.
Make it hurt. Bad.
Hope you don't have anywhere to be,
because this might take all night.
Oh my God. You talk a lot.
You've no idea what you're dealing with.
Oh my God. What am I dealing with?
10 years football, two workouts
a day, seven days a week.
You know what I'm trying to put together?
What's the toaster's motive.
Like, seemed like he
had it pretty set here.
It's a nice house.
I'm sure he gotta use quite a bit.
Why? Why would he want kill this guy?
Did you even go to
detective school, McNulty?
There's a school?
[Johnny] An all protein
diet, seven years wrestling.
10 years boxing.
I was gonna say, was his
face that fucked up before?
Or you think the toaster like
got a couple punches in on him?
Water polo, All American
and 16 years of Taekwondo.
- Wah. Yah.
- (raucous rock music) Just kick butt
And not just punch face
Because karate is the way to move it
Roundhouse kicks
and spinning back fists
That is the way to do it
'Cause I'm better than you
And better than him and better than her
At beating up kids
Let's just kick butt
and let's just punch face
Because Karate is the way to rule it
Roundhouse kicks and spinning back
(ominous music)
Six seasons of Cobra Kai,
(ominous music)
(knife stabbing)
(Johnny groans)
(ominous electronic music)
My pants! My pants! (Whimpers)
My pants.
(suspenseful music)
(Johnny screams)
(ominous music)
That's Johnny. I know his cry anywhere.
Alphas.
(Alphas grunt)
My dick. My only weakness! (Whimpers)
(Johnny groans)
(knife slices)
(ominous music)
I feel like I should say
a really cool one-liner right now.
It's been a long fucking day.
So in the immortal words of Topanga
or Torrance or whatever her name is,
"Later, tater."
(ominous music)
This has to be it.
(ominous music)
(shutters rattling)
Johnny bro.
You can't die on me, bro.
You're my number one bro, bro.
(bell tolls)
Johnny!
Johnny!
(ominous electronic music)
We gotta find her and
we got a end her, bro.
We'll do it for Johnny, boys.
We'll do it for Johnny.
(bottles clinking)
Alphas, come out to pla-ay.
(ominous electronic music)
So, this a one at a time kind of thing.
Or family style?
Jax.
Valhalla, bro.
(glass smashing)
(body thudding)
(foot smacking) (skull crunching)
You got this, Jeff.
(foot stamping) (skull crunching)
(ominous music)
Why me?
Because you're a pledge.
Come on, bro.
Bro?
Bro.
[Jeff] Bro?
Bro.
Kurt, bro?
Bro. Come on, bro.
Bro?
Bro.
Bro.
Bro!
Kurt, bro?
Bro.
Consider it your initiation.
S-so if I pass, I'm officially an Alpha?
For sure, bro. Alpha's all the way.
They'll be singing praises
to you in the hallways.
Keggers will be thrown in your honor.
The hottest of hot babes'll be whispering
your name in their dreams.
"Jimmy."
My name's Jeff.
Whatever.
[Alphas] Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
Jeff. Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.
Jeff. Jeff. (Jeff roars)
Go Jeff.
(knife slices) (dramatic music)
(ominous electronic music)
Major bummer, dude.
We're gonna need a new pledge.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Delta. Delta. Delta.
(ominous electronic music)
What's up, babe?
(Blue groans)
(laughs) Delta. Delta. Delta. Hoorah.
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha. Hoorah.
(Thunder strikes)
(electricity crackles)
(ominous music)
(Gertrude screams)
(electricity crackles)
Why would someone do this?
I think it was an accident.
Yep, I think this guy was
in a rush. Hear me out.
He was in a rush for a
meeting or something.
He's like, "oh, I gotta clean myself.
But I also want breakfast."
So how do I knock out
two birds with one stone?
- No, no, no, no.
- I get in the tub,
I put some toast in the toaster.
Someone took the toaster
and threw it in the tub.
Now you just sound crazy. Okay?
(ominous music)
(thunder rumbles) (Blue gasps)
Oh, what the fuck?
(ominous music)
Oh.
I'm just saying, maybe
the guy was onto something.
Maybe there's, hear me out.
You're in the shower,
right, but you're also hungry.
And it's also what, like
7:30 in the morning.
You know what sounds really good? Bacon.
- Bacon?
- What if, hear me out.
What if you could fry some
bacon while in the shower?
You wouldn't buy that.
Do you like smoke weed
before coming to work?
Is that what you do?
Because y-y-you're one weird dude, McNulty.
I ate a lot of paint chips as a kid.
I mean, who eats, who
eats bacon in the shower?
Uh, dreamers and believers, that's who.
(ominous electronic music)
(sinister music)
Grandpa, I'm home.
[Grandpa] Did you see
any serial killers out there?
Just one.
[Grandpa] That's great, honey.
(spooky festive piano music)
(spooky festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(bombastic festive music)
- Hi.
Boo.
Wah.
(sinister music)
Remember me?
(bombastic festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(eerie festive choral music)
(beam whooshes)
(ominous music)
What the fuck?
(creature growls) (eerie festive music)
(bombastic festive music)
(body thudding)
(angelic music)
(bombastic festive music)
You know the drill.
(drill whirring)
(Kurt screams)
(hand whooshes)
(eerie music)
(dramatic music)
(ominous festive music)
(spooky festive piano music)
(dramatic music)
(bombastic festive music)
(bombastic festive music continues)
(meteor crashes)
(ominous music)
(bombastic festive music)
(somber festive music)
(tense music)
Lady Blue.
Got your usual booth.
(tense music)
(Blue groans)
What's the word?
The word is coffee, black.
Always bet on black.
Would you like some pie with that?
Hell no.
I had a slice of Pi earlier.
Oh yeah.
(tense music)
(menu slapping)
You ready to order yet? Are you ready?
Are you ready to order yet?
Fuck yo' mama, fuck
- Hey, Jarvis. Taste this.
Ooh, don't mind if I do.
Mm, creamy.
Mm. I like it.
You ready to order? Huh?
(menu slapping)
You ready? You ready to order? Huh?
Yeah, I'm ready.
What would you recommend?
I recommend stop being such a pussy.
(palm slapping)
Heather, quit calling
our customers pussies.
He likes it.
I do.
Oh yeah.
Okay, I think I'm ready.
Great.
What the fuck?
Which one of you dumb shits drew dicks
all over my notepad.
That would be what we call a team effort.
Wrong answer, numb nuts.
(palm slapping)
Ooh, ooh, me next, me next.
(footsteps approaching)
Tough day?
Tough day.
(ominous electronic music)
(door chimes) (thunder rumbles)
(ominous electronic pop music)
Do you remember
The way you used to be
Before surrender
By daydream fantasy
We lost our voice
There was no choice
But I was lying
We were close to home
I heard you crying
As we walked alone
You feel the stream
Inside your brain
You've gotta pray for me
I'm on the inside
You are great for me
I can't take anymore grief
You got away from me
I'm on the outside
You are great for me
And now we say goodbye
He's a survivor
When I hear you plead
An older rival
We're fighting desperately
We take our lives
To pay the price
But I was dying
Breaking flesh and bone
I felt you trying
Volunteer unknown
The end is near
I have no fear
You got away from me
I'm on the outside
You are prey for me
And now we say goodbye
And now we say goodbye
And now we say goodbye
(fitness fanatic screams)
(thunder rumbles) (electricity crackles)
[Cook] Oh yeah.