Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) Movie Script
If you'd have told me
A year ago
That I'd be locked inside of my home
Ah, ah, ah
I would have told you
A year ago
Interesting, now leave me alone
Sorry that I look like a mess
Ah, ah, ah
I booked a haircut
But it got rescheduled
Robert's been a little depressed
No!
And so today I'm gonna try just
Getting up, sitting down
Going back to work
Might not help
But still it couldn't hurt
I'm sitting down, writing jokes
Singing silly songs
I'm sorry I was gone
But look, I made you some content
Daddy made you your favorite
Open wide
Here comes the content
It's a beautiful day
To stay inside
Camera test.
The world is changing
The planet's heating up
What the fuck is going on?
Rearranging
It's like everything
Happened all at once
Um, what the fuck is going on?
The people rising in the streets
The war, the drought
The more I look
The more I see nothing to joke about
Is comedy over?
Should I leave you alone?
'Cause really who's gonna go for
Joking at a time like this?
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
I wanna help to leave this world
Better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help
And the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money?
No!
What do I do?
Healing the world with comedy
The indescribable power of your comedy
The world needs direction
From a white guy like me
- Bingo
-Who is healing the world with comedy
That's it.
The world is so fucked up.
Systematic oppression.
Income inequality.
The other stuff.
And there's only one thing
that I can do about it,
while while being paid,
and being the center of attention.
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
A Jew walks into a bar
And I've saved him a seat
That's healing the world with comedy
I'm a special kind of white guy
I self-reflected
And I want to be an agent of change
So I am gonna use my privilege
For the good
Very cool, way to go!
American white guys
We've had the floor
For at least 400 years
So maybe I should just
Shut the fuck up
I'm bored.
I don't wanna do that
-There's gotta beanother way
-Yes
For me to help out
Without standing on the sidelines
-Never
-The wait is over
I'm white
And I'm here to save the day
Lord help me channel
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Sandra Bullock!
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
And yes, most likely they'll pay me
But I'd do it for free
I am healing the world with comedy
If you wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men
Dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
Oh shit
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
If you start to smell burning toast
You're having a stroke
Or overcooking your toast
If you wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men
Dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
Oh shit
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
Somebody help me out
'Cause I don't know
And I want to help to leave this world
Better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help
And the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money?
No!
I know what I gotta do
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
I swore I'd never be back
But now I'm back on my feet
And I'm healing the world with comedy
Hi.
Welcome to, uh, whatever this is.
Um, I've been working
for the last couple months,
um, testing this camera,
and testing lights, and writing,
and I've decided to, uh,
try to make a new special.
For real.
Um, it's not gonna be a normal special
because there's no audience,
and there's no crew.
It's just me and my camera,
and you and your screen.
Uh, the way that that our Lord intended.
Um
And the whole special
will be will be filmed in this, uh, room.
And instead of being filmed
in a single night,it will be filmed in
uh, however long it takes to finish.
I hope you, uh, enjoy it.
I I hope this special
can maybe do for you
what it's done for me
these last couple months,
which is, uh, to distract me from wanting
to put a bullet into my head with a gun.
So
Yeah, thank you.
And a warning.
Um, I can already sort of tell
that this special is going to be
a little all over the place,
so don't expect
incredibly smooth transiti--
Pour me a drink and clear my schedule
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
These 40 minutes are essential
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
I call, she answers
And her hair is wet
Hair is wet
I say, "Did you just shower?"
She says, "How'd you guess?"
I say, "Your hair is wet"
She says, "Oh yeah"
I tell my boys I need some space, yeah
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll hold her iPhone 5
No further than six inches from her face
Yeah, I'mma FaceTime
With my mom tonight
Tonight
She says, "Oh, look who's here"
Say hi to Dad
Hi to Dad
He says, "How ya doing, bud?"
I say, "I'm not so bad"
And that's the deepest talk
We've ever had
Watching as she looks for her glasses
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll tell me all about
The season six finale of The Blacklist
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
Hey, kids.
Today, we're gonna learn about the world.
The world that's around us
Is pretty amazing
But how does it work?
It must be complicated
The secret is the world can only work
When everything works together
A bee drinks from a flower
And leaves with its pollen
A squirrel in a tree
Spreads the seeds that have fallen
Everything workstogether
The biggest elephant, the littlest fly
The gophers underground
The birds in the sky
And every single cricket
Every fish in the sea
Gives what they can
And gets what they need
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
From A to Zebra
To the worms in the dirt
That's how
It works
Hey, everyone.
Look who stopped by to say hello.
It's Socko.
Hey!
Where you been, Socko?
I've been where I always am
when you're not wearing me on your hand.
In a frightening,
liminal space between states of being.
Not quite dead, not quite alive.
It's similar to a constant state
of sleep paralysis.
Socko, we were just talking
about the world and how it works.
Boy, that sounds complicated.
Do you have anything you'd want
to teach us about the world?
I wouldn't say anything that you probably
haven't already said yourself.
I don't know about that, Socko.
How about you give it a try?
All right.
The simple narrative taught
In every history class
Is demonstrably false
And pedagogically classist
Don't you know
The world is built with blood
And genocide and exploitation
The global network of capital
Essentially functions
To separate the worker
From the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists
Are destroying the left
And every politician
Every cop on the street
Protects the interests
Of the pedophilic corporate elite
That is how the world works
Really?
That is how the world works
Genocide
The Natives say you got to it first
That's how
It works
That's pretty intense.
No shit.
What can I do to help?
Read a book or something. I don't know.
Just don't burden me
with the responsibility of educating you.
It's incredibly exhausting.
I'm sorry, Socko.
I was just trying
to become a better person.
Why do you rich fucking white people
insist on seeing
every socio-political conflict
through the myopic lens
of your own self-actualization?
This isn't about you.
So either get with it,
or get out of the fucking way.
Watch your mouth, buddy.
Remember who's on whose hand here.
But that's what I--
Have you not been fucking listening?
-We are entrenched in--
-All right.
Wait! No, please!
I don't want to go back.
I can't go I can't go back.
Please. Please.
I'm sorry.
Are you gonna behave yourself?
Yes.
Yes, what?
-Yes, sir.
-Look at me.
Yes, sir.
That's better.
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
I hope you learned your lesson
I did and it hurt!
That's how
It works
No!
Hello, my name is Bo Burnham.
And I am a former comedian,
turned social brand consultant.
It's a very exciting time to be a,
uh, brand.
It's also a bit of a scary time
because customers expect a lot more
from their brands
than they did in the past.
During this incredibly necessary
and overdue social reckoning
that we're having in our culture,
it is no longer acceptable for brands
to stay out of the conversation.
Consumers want to know, "Are you willing
to use your brand awareness
to effect positive social change?"
Which will create more brand awareness.
The question I ask the brands I work with
is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is
"Are you gonna be
on the right side of history?"
The question isn't,
"What are you selling?"
Or or "What service are you providing?"
The question is, "What do you stand for?"
Who are you,Bagel Bites?
All these big companies, they're so scared
of all this social change, and I come in
and I put their fears to rest.
You know, I tell them, "Just be honest."
"Tell your customers
that that JPMorgan is against racism."
In theory.
The question is no longer,
"Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?"
For example.
The question is now,
"Will you support Wheat Thins
in the fight against Lyme disease?"
There's no sugarcoating it. The world is
fucked up.
And you've got a choice as a brand.
You can
hide and bury your head in the sand
and hope it fixes itself,
or you can roll up your sleeves
and get to work,
and sell Butterfingers.
An open window
A novel
A couple holding hands
An avocado
A poem
Written in the sand
Fresh fallen snow on the ground
A golden retriever in a flower crown
Is this heaven
Or is it just a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Latte foam art
Tiny pumpkins
Fuzzy, comfy socks
Coffee table made out of driftwood
A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
A needlepoint of a fox
Some random quote
From Lord of the Rings
Incorrectly attributed
To Martin Luther King
Is this heaven
Or am I looking at a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Her favorite photo of her mom
The caption says
I can't believe it
It's been a decade
Since you've been gone
Momma, I miss you
I miss sitting with you
In the front yard
Still figuring out
How to keep living without you
It's got a little better
But it's still hard
Momma, I got a job I love
And my own apartment
Momma, I got a boyfriend
And I'm crazy about him
Your little girl didn't do too bad
Momma, I love you
Give a hug and kiss to Dad
A goat-cheese salad
A backlit hammock
A simple glass of wine
Incredibly derivative
Political street art
A dreamcatcher
Bought from Urban Outfitters
A vintage neon sign
Three little words, a couple of doves
And a ring on her finger
From the person that she loves
Is this heaven
Or is it just a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Here's a question for you guys. Um
Is it is it necessary?
Is it necessary
that every single personon this planet
um, expresses every single opinion
that they have
on every single thing that occurs
all at the same time?
Is that is that necessary?
Um
Or to ask in a slightly different way,
um, can can anyone
shut the fuck up?
Can can anyone,
any any
any one, any single one,
can any one
shut the fuck up about anything--
About any any single thing?
Can any single person
shut the fuck up about any single thing
for an hour?
You know, is that is that possible?
And I know you're thinking,
"You're not shutting
the fuck up right now,"
and that's true, but
Who needs a coffee
'Cause I'm doing a run
I'm writing down the orders now
For everyone
The coffee is free, just like me
I'm an unpaid intern
Sorting papers, running around
Sitting in the meeting
I'm not making a sound
Barely people, somehow legal
Unpaid intern
You work all day, go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage
You just torrent a porn
'Cause you're an intern
Unpaid
Hey, everybody.
Um, I thought I'd do a reaction video
to the song that you just saw me perform.
Thought that might be fun.
Um, so I got my laptop all set up.
So I'm ready to go, and let's go.
Who needs a coffee
'Cause I'm doing a run
I like this song.
Um, so the idea with this song
was basically that there's so many songs
in the past about
about working-class jobs,
but not a lot about the labor exploitation
of the modern world,
so that was the idea here.
Barely people, somehow legal
My beard is a little shorter in this video
'cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago.
Go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage
You just
I think it holds up.
The song, not the beard.
Unpaid
And then you cut.
I think it's funny to cut right on--
do a reaction video
to the song that you just saw me perform.
-Thought that might be fun.
-What
Um, so I got my
Because this video played after that.
Right. So, and now Right.
Okay, so I'll just keep reacting.
So, this is me reacting to the song.
Um
What I'm doing is I'm explaining
what the song means.
Um, and what it's about.
I'm being a little pretentious.
It's, uh it's an instinct I have
where I need everything that I write
to have some deeper meaning or something.
But it's a stupid song,
and, uh, it doesn't really mean anything,
and, uh, it's it's pretty unlikable
that I that I feel this need,
this desperate need,
to be seen as intelligent.
And the video's ending here,
as you can see,
and look, I'm very confused.
See, I'm very, very confused.
'Cause I'm staring at myself,
I don't know what I'm looking at,
and I'm starting to catch up now,
and realizing what's going on.
And, uh, yeah, now I'm deciding to react
to the reaction to the video.
So here, um, I'm reacting
to my own reacting,
and I'm criticizing my initial reaction
for for being pretentious,
which is which is honestly,
it's a it's a defense mechanism.
I'm I'm so worried
that criticism will be levied against me
that I levy it against myself
before anyone else can.
And I think that, "Oh, if I'm self-aware
about being a douchebag,
it'll somehow make me less
of a douchebag." But it but it doesn't.
Um, self-awareness does not absolve
anybody of anything.
Am I balding?
This is really, really disturbing.
I don't like looking at myself like this,
and I want I want this to stop.
Okay, I want this to stop.
I'm I'm stopping this.
So, yeah,
that was, uh, my reaction to the song,
and I hope you enjoyed it.
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in1964
Jeffrey
Jeffrey Bezos
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in 1964
Jeffrey
Jeffrey Bezos
Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it
Pave the way, put your back into it
Tell us why
Show us how
Look at where you came from
Look at you now
Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet
Amateurs can fucking suck it
Fuck their wives, drink their blood
Come on, Jeff, get 'em!
I don't know about you guys,
but, um, you know,
I've been thinking recently that
that you know, maybe, um, allowing
giant digital media corporations to
exploit the neurochemical drama
of our children for profit
You know, maybe that was, uh
a bad call
by us.
Maybe
maybe the the flattening of the entire
subjective human experience
into a lifeless exchange of value
that benefits nobody,
except for, um, you know,
a handful of bug-eyed salamanders
in Silicon Valley
Maybe that as a as a way of life forever
maybe that's, um, not good.
I'm
horny.
Sexting
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
Aye, aye
AT&T
I am in bed
I am ready to go with you
Tonight I'm thinking of taking it slow
We'll use emojis only
We don't need phonetical diction
We'll talk dirty
Like we're ancient Egyptians
You send me a peach
I send a carrot back
You send a Ferris wheel
That's pretty abstract
I send back a ticket stub
Implying that
The Ferris wheel's your body
And I'd really love admission to it
Oh no!
What if now you think
That I'm implying
Your vagina
Is as big as a Ferris wheel?
Damn
You send back a snowman
Crisis averted
-Thank God
-Sexting
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
Aye, aye
AT&T
No more emojis, now it's on to words
I ask what you're wearing
You reply, "A shirt"
You say, "Are you naked?"
I say, "Yeah, except for a top hat"
You say, ""lmao." But I doubt that
I'm getting hot at just the thought
Of what I'd do to you
'Cause in my head I'm in your bed
And getting through to you
They made the Internet
For nights like these
I love you, baby
Send a picture of your tits, please
-Sexting
-Whoa
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
-We are sexting
-Aye, aye
AT&T
You send the pic
And say it's now my turn
Jesus fucking Christ
I guess I never learn
My phone's flash is my only light
And the flash
Makes my dick look frightened
I chicken out
And send a picture of my face instead
Because my dick looks like
The baby from Eraserhead
You say, "I sent my titties
That's not fair"
So I send it to you
And then my phone dies
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
-And one hand on my phone, yeah
-Pussy
-Another night on my own, yeah
-Titties
-Stuck in my home, yeah
-Balls
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Hey, everybody.
Um, I just wanted to make
a really quick video to say thank you.
-Thank you for watching my content.
As you guys know,
I work really hard
to try to bring you guys
high-quality content
that I think you'll enjoy.
So the fact that you are enjoying it,
means everything to me.
So thank you, and also keep watching,
'cause there's a lot more content
where that came from.
All right, guys, see you later.
Trying to be funny and stuck in a room
There isn't much more to say about it
Can one be funny when stuck in a room?
I took a big fucking breath.
Trying to be funny and stuck in a room
There isn't much more to say about it
Can one be funny when stuck in a room?
Being in
Trying to get something out of it
Try making faces
Try telling jokes
Making little sounds
I was a kid who was stuck in his room
There isn't much more to say about it
When you're a kid
And you're stuck in your room
You'll do any old shit
To get out of it
Try making faces
Try telling jokes
Making little sounds
Well, well
Look who's inside again
Went out to look
For a reason to hide again
Well, well
Buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded
One more.
I grew up as your usual suburbanite
A tiny town in Massachusetts
Overwhelmingly white
I went to church on Sundays
In a suit and a tie
Then spent my free time
Watching Family Guy
I started doing comedy
When I was just a sheltered kid
I wrote offensive shit
And I said it
Father, please forgive me
For I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it
Times are changing
And I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna
Hold me accountable?
I'm problematic
He's a problem
When I was 17, on Halloween
I dressed up as Aladdin
He's a problem
I did not darken my skin
But still it feels weird in hindsight
I want to show you
How I'm growing as a person, but first
I feel I must address the lyrics
From the previous verse
I tried to hide behind my childhood
And that's not okay
My actions are my own
I won't explain them away
I've done a lot of self-reflecting
Since I started singing this song
I was totally wrong when I said it
Father, please forgive me
For I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it
Times are changing
And I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna
Hold me accountable?
I'm problematic
He's a problem
I just remembered that Aladdin costume's
In my mother's attic
-He's a problem
-I'm gonna go home and burn it
Or not burn it. Is burning it bad?
What should I do with it?
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff
That is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all
And just really shitty
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff
That is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all
And just really
And I'm really fucking sorry
Bitch, I'm trying to listen
Shit, Ive been complacent
Sorry
If I'm gonna catch up
First, I gotta fess up
Sorry
Sorry
Sh--
So, um
I've been working on this special now
for six months.
And the whole time
I've had a a goal in mind,
which is I wanted to finish this thing
before I turned 30.
Um, because the idea of of turning 30,
while still in this fucking room,
working on this thing alone,
um, that just seemed
I just I just wanted to avoid that.
So
And you might be thinking, "Well,
that's fine. You know, look at you."
"You radiate such youth."
"You must not be turning 30 for years."
And that's very, uh, nice of you to say.
But the truth is
um, I turn 30
in less than a minute.
So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy
uh, my twenties,
and thenget back to work.
Yay.
I used to run for miles
I used to ride my bike
I used to wake up with a smile
And goto bed at night with a dream
Ah.
But now I'm turning 30
No!
I used to be the young one
Got used to meeting people
Who were used to meeting someone
Who was born in 1990
No way!
Yeah, I was born in 1990.
Now I'm turning 30
God God damn it.
-I'm
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Turning
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Thirty
-Turning 30, turning 30
-I'm turning 30
-Turning 30, turning 30
When he was 27
My granddad fought in Vietnam
When I was 27
I built a birdhouse with my mom
Oh fuck.
How am I 30?
I used to make fun of the boomers
In retrospect, a bit too much
Now all these fucking zoomers
Are telling me that I'm out of touch
Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones
are poisoning your minds. Okay?
So when you develop
a dissociative mental disorder
in your late twenties,
don't come crawling back to me.
-I'm
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Turning
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Thirty
-Turning 30, turning 30
-I'm turning 30
-Turning 30, turning 30
And now my stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
And now my stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children
It's 2020, and I'm 30
I'll do another ten
2030 I'll be 40 and kill myself then
-Okay.
Check that one.
-We'll do one more.
I just wanna say for the record, um,
that I do not want to kill myself, okay?
I don't wanna kill myself,
and I'm not going to kill myself.
Um, and if you're out there and you're
struggling with suicidal thoughts
and you want to kill yourself,
I just want to tell you don't.
Okay? Can you not, please?
Just don't. All right?
Fucking quit it with the--
But really, don't kill yourself.
You don't want to, because
There are people that love you
That's not true necessarily,
but there could be people
that love you in the future,
and just don't.
I've had people close to me
kill themselves,
and I'll be honest with you,
didn't love it.
Didn't love that.
So just don't.
But if I could kill myself for a year
If I can-- I'd do it today.
If I could kill myself today and be dead
until like 18 months from now,
um, I would do it, but alas
when you kill yourself,
you're dead forever,
and we shouldn't be dead forever yet.
So let's not. Right?
Come on, guys.
How are you feeling?
Do you like the show?
Are you tired of it?
Never mind, I don't wanna know
Are you finding it boring?
Too fast, too slow?
I'm asking but don't answer
'Cause I don't wanna know
Do I have your attention?
Yes or no?
I bet I'd guess the answer
But I don't wanna know
Am I on in the background?
Are you on your phone?
I'd ask you what you're watching
But I don't wanna know
Is there anyone out there?
Or am I all alone?
It wouldn't make a difference
Still I don't wanna know
I thought it'd be over by now
But I got a while to go
I'd give away the ending
But you don't wanna kn--
What's up, boys. Welcome to the stream.
Um, I'm gonna be doing
some live play today
for the first time in a while.
Uh, you guys have been wanting that,
so we're gonna do--
This is the title, Inside.
I've got a lot of requests
for this game in chat.
It's some indie developer.
I'm not really sure.
I'm going in totally cold on this.
Um, JB, thank you for the three months.
My dude, much appreciated.
Um Okay.
That looks pretty good, graphics-wise.
I mean, I know it's a cinematic, but
So we're gonna be trying
to do live plays every day this week,
so tune in for that.
I would be gifting 30 subs
at the end of the week.
Um, day 50, 250 All right,
so this dude's been in here for a while.
-So is this like an escape the room?
-Or
Okay.
So I can cry.
So he's he's not happy
about being in this room.
I like the music.
The music is actually nice on this.
Controls are actually pretty smooth.
So you're in this like 2D set up, right?
Like, I can't control the camera.
Um
I'll give it-- I guess I'll cry again.
-He's--
So is the dude big, or is the room small?
That's what I'm confused about.
Chat's saying, try the door.
Yeah, well, okay.
I mean, I don't think
it's gonna be that simple, but I will.
Yeah, there ya go.
Um, okay,
Well, I think he'll probably cry again.
-It's tough, dude.
-It's tough. He's been in here a while.
Um, see, I don't like that.
I don't know why they feel the need
to give the hint so quick.
I just wish they'd let me
let me explore a little bit.
Wha I'm holding the flashlight
like a like a cop.
-Why is he doing that?
Ah.
All right. Okay. So
All right.
Okay, he seems a little happier now.
That's nice.
I don't know.
I'll cry, I guess, again.
Okay, I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to be do--
Oh! Nice.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, great. Um
All right, I'm into this.
Yeah, it's giving me
sort of like Death Stranding vibes,
you know,
'cause it's, like, it's fucking boring,
but that's, like, the point, I think.
Dante, thank you for the four months.
Appreciate it.
- How we feeling out there tonight?
Yeah.
I am not feeling good.
Wake up at 11:30
-Feeling like a bag of shit
-Oh no!
All my clothes are dirty
So I'm smelling like a bag of shit
Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup
OMG, that is just my luck
Look in the mirror
Say, "What's up, you useless fuck?"
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
I haven't had a shower
In the last nine days
Ah
Staring at the ceiling
And waiting
For this feeling to go away
But it won't go away
I'm not really feeling
Like I wanna get lit
-Tell us how you're feeling
-Well, I feel like shit
Oh, shit
Feeling like
A saggy, massive sack of shit
Oh, shit
Big 'ol motherfucking
Duffel bag of shit
Oh, shit
All day, all shit
I'm not really feeling
Like I wanna get lit
-Tell us how you're feeling
-I'm feeling like shit
-Ladies, do you feel like shit?
-Yeah
-Tell me, do you feel like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?
-Huh
-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Ladies, do you feel like shit?
-Yeah?
-Tell me, do you feel like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?
-Huh?
-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?
-Oh yeah
So, um, my
uh, my current mental health is is
rapidly approaching,um, an ATL,
which is, um, that's an "all-time low,"
not not Atlanta.
And
You know, I feel okay when I'm asleep.
Like when I'm asleep, I feel all right,
but it's basically
from the moment I wake up,
I, uh, I just get this--
Feeling in my body
Way down deep inside me
-I try not to fight it
-Describe it
All right
A few things start to happen
My vision starts to flatten
My heart, it gets to tappin'
And I think I'm gonna die
Yeah, so, um
Yeah. Not
Not doing great.
Welcome to the Internet
Have a look around
Anything that brain of yours
Can think of can be found
We've got mountains of content
Some better, some worse
If none of it's of interest to you
You'd bethe first
Welcome to the Internet
Come and take a seat
Would you like to see the news
Or any famous women's feet?
There's no need to panic
This isn't a test
Just nod or shake your head
And we'll do the rest
Welcome to the Internet
What would you prefer?
Would you like to fight
For civil rights or tweet a racial slur?
Be happy, be horny
Be bursting with rage
We got a million different ways
To engage
Welcome to the Internet
Put your cares aside
Here's a tip for straining pasta
Here's a nine-year-old who died
We got movies and doctors
And fantasy sports
And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings
Of all the characters in Harry Potter
Fucking each other
Welcome to the Internet
Hold on to your socks
'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you
Photos of his cock
They are grainy and off-putting
He just sent you more
Don't act surprised
You know you like it, you whore
See a man beheaded
Get offended, see a shrink
Show us pictures of your children
Tell us every thought you think
Start a rumor, buy a broom
Or send a death threat to a boomer
Or DM a girl and groom her
Do a Zoom or find a tumor
And here's a healthy breakfast option
You should kill your mom
Here's why women never fuck you
Here's how you can build a bomb
Which Power Ranger are you?
Take thisquirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants
To vaccinate your kids
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
You know,
it wasn't always like this.
Not very long ago
Just before your time
Right before the towers fell
Circa '99
This was catalogues
Travel blogs
A chat room or two
We set our sights and spent our nights
Waiting
For you
You
Insatiable you
Mommy let you use her iPad
You were barely two
And it did all the things
We designed it to do
Now look at you
Oh.
Look at you
You, you
Unstoppable, watchable
Your time is now
Your inside's out
Honey, how you grew
And if we stick together
Who knows what we'll do
It was always the plan
To put the world in your hand
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
And anything and everything
And anything and everything
All of the time
I've been freaking out for a long time,
thinking I'm never gonna finish
this specialand be working on it forever.
And recently, I've been feeling like,
"Oh, man, maybe I am
getting close to done with this."
"Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all."
And that has made me completely freak out
because if I finish this special,
that means that I have to,
um, not work on it anymore.
And that means
I have to just live my life,
and so I'm not gonna do that,
and I'm gonna not finish the special.
I'm gonna work on it forever, I think.
So, yeah, I'm gonna work on this forever,
and I'm never gonna release it.
I'm not talking to anybody now.
I'm just talking to myself.
So, yeah, who fucking cares?
Fuck you, and goodbye,
and let's keep going.
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Ah
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
You did it!
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Congratulations!
Man, you guys are a great crowd.
Give it up for yourselves for coming out,
by the way, tonight. Give it up.
Supporting live comedy
in these weird times.
Um, it's crazy. Um
These are some pretty crazy times,
but it's nice during these crazy times
that we can get together. We can laugh.
You know? Um
I've learned something
over this last year,
which is pretty funny.
Um, I've learned that
real-world human-to-human
tactile contact will kill you,
and that all human interaction,
whether it be social, political,
spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal
should be contained
in the much more safe, much more real
interior digital space.
That the outside world,
the non-digital world,
is merely a theatrical space
in which one stages and records content
for the much more real,
much more vital digital space.
One should only engage
with the outside world
as one engages with a coal mine.
Suit up, gather what is needed,
and return to the surface.
Um
And is it just me, or do pirates need
to take a little bit better care
of their fuckin' maps?
You know, when I find a pirate's map,
it's it's always tea-stained,
and the edges are burnt,
and it's like if you're a pirate,
all right, and you're gonna
make this map and expect me
to carry it around the globe
as I search for your treasure,
then laminate it.
I can't really, uh,
play the guitar very well,
um, or sing, so
You know, apologies.
Stunning 8K resolution meditation app
In honor of the revolution
It's half-off at the Gap
Deadpool, self-awareness
Loving parents, harmless fun
The backlash to the backlash
To the thing that's just begun
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
The surgeon general's pop-up shop
Robert Iger's face
Discount Etsy agitprop
Bugle's take on race
Female Colonel Sanders
Easy answers, civil war
The whole world at your fingertips
The ocean at your door
The live-action Lion King
The Pepsi halftime show
Twenty thousand years of this
Seven more to go
Carpool Karaoke
Steve Aoki, Logan Paul
A gift shop at the gun range
A mass shooting at the mall
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
Reading Pornhub's terms of service
Going for a drive
And obeying all the traffic laws
In Grand Theft Auto 5
Full agoraphobic
Losing focus, cover blown
A book on getting better
Hand-delivered by a drone
Total disassociation
Fully out your mind
Googling "derealization"
Hating what you find
That unapparent summer air
In early fall
The quiet comprehending
Of the ending of it all
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
Just wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
So, I--
Jesus.
So I've been working
on this, uh, special for
a year now.
It--
Fucking
So I've been working on this special
for, um, a year now,
which is, um, a lot longer
than I anticipated working on it.
When I started
So I've been working on--
I fucking
I can't. I fucking
Fucking
I am
not
um, well.
Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You guys have been incredible. Thank you.
I couldn't have done this
without you guys.
I couldn't, really. I
This last year has been
You know, there have been times
that, um
But just knowing you're here,
you know, feeling you here with me.
Um
Yeah, thank you.
You know, I hate to ask because, uh,
you've given me so much.
But
I need you to do one more thing for me.
Can you do that?
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Are you feeling nervous?
Are you having fun?
It's almost over
It's just begun
Don't overthink this
Look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Everybody
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
You want to hear a funny story?
So, uh,
five years ago, I quit
performing live comedy,
because I was beginning to have, uh,
severe panic attacks while on stage,
which is not a great place to have them.
So, I I quit.
And I didn't perform for five years,
and I spent that time
trying to improve myself mentally.
And you know what?
I did!
I got better.
I got so much better, in fact,
that in January of
2020,
I thought, "You know what, I should
start performing again."
"I've been hiding from the world,
and I need to
reenter."
And then
the funniest thing happened.
Are you feeling nervous?
Are you having fun?
It's almost over
It's just begun
Don't overthink this
Look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine
You say the ocean's rising
Like I give a shit
You say the whole world's ending
Honey, it already did
You're not gonna slow it
Heaven knows you tried
Got it?
Good. Now get inside
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
I said, get your fuckin' hands up
Get up. Get up.
I'm talking to you,
get the fuck up!
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Hey, now get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Come on, hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
I said get your fuckin' hands up
Get--
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Hi.
Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um
I think--
I think I'm I'm done.
Um, possible uh, ending song
that is not finished yet.
Test.
Take one.
So long
Goodbye
I'll see you when I see you
You can pick the street
I'll meet you on the other side
So long
Goodbye
Do I really have to finish?
Do returns always diminish?
Did I say that right?
Does anybody want
To joke when no one's
Laughing in the background?
So this is how it ends
I promise
To never go outside again
So long
Bye
I'm slowly losing power
Has it only been an hour?
No, that can't be right
So long
Goodbye
Hey, here's a fun idea
How about I sit on the couch
And I watch you next time
I wanna hear you tell
A joke when no one's
Laughing in the background
So this is how it ends
I promise
To never go outside again
Am I going crazy?
Would I even know?
Am I right back where I started
Fourteen years ago?
Wanna guess the ending?
If it ever does
I swear to God
That all I've ever wanted
Was a little bit of everything
All of the time
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
I'm finished playing
And I'm staying inside
If I wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
I'll panic
So call me up and tell me a joke
When I'm fully irrelevant
And totally broken, damn it
Call me up and tell me a joke
Oh shit
You're really joking
At a time like this
Well, well
Look who's inside again
Went out to look
For a reason to hide again
Well, well
Buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any daynow
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
A year ago
That I'd be locked inside of my home
Ah, ah, ah
I would have told you
A year ago
Interesting, now leave me alone
Sorry that I look like a mess
Ah, ah, ah
I booked a haircut
But it got rescheduled
Robert's been a little depressed
No!
And so today I'm gonna try just
Getting up, sitting down
Going back to work
Might not help
But still it couldn't hurt
I'm sitting down, writing jokes
Singing silly songs
I'm sorry I was gone
But look, I made you some content
Daddy made you your favorite
Open wide
Here comes the content
It's a beautiful day
To stay inside
Camera test.
The world is changing
The planet's heating up
What the fuck is going on?
Rearranging
It's like everything
Happened all at once
Um, what the fuck is going on?
The people rising in the streets
The war, the drought
The more I look
The more I see nothing to joke about
Is comedy over?
Should I leave you alone?
'Cause really who's gonna go for
Joking at a time like this?
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
I wanna help to leave this world
Better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help
And the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money?
No!
What do I do?
Healing the world with comedy
The indescribable power of your comedy
The world needs direction
From a white guy like me
- Bingo
-Who is healing the world with comedy
That's it.
The world is so fucked up.
Systematic oppression.
Income inequality.
The other stuff.
And there's only one thing
that I can do about it,
while while being paid,
and being the center of attention.
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
A Jew walks into a bar
And I've saved him a seat
That's healing the world with comedy
I'm a special kind of white guy
I self-reflected
And I want to be an agent of change
So I am gonna use my privilege
For the good
Very cool, way to go!
American white guys
We've had the floor
For at least 400 years
So maybe I should just
Shut the fuck up
I'm bored.
I don't wanna do that
-There's gotta beanother way
-Yes
For me to help out
Without standing on the sidelines
-Never
-The wait is over
I'm white
And I'm here to save the day
Lord help me channel
Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side
Sandra Bullock!
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
And yes, most likely they'll pay me
But I'd do it for free
I am healing the world with comedy
If you wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men
Dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
Oh shit
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
If you start to smell burning toast
You're having a stroke
Or overcooking your toast
If you wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
If you see white men
Dressed in white cloaks
Don't panic
Call me, and I'll tell you a joke
Oh shit
Should I be joking
At a time like this?
Somebody help me out
'Cause I don't know
And I want to help to leave this world
Better than I found it
And I fear that comedy won't help
And the fear is not unfounded
Should I stop trying to be funny?
Should I give away my money?
No!
I know what I gotta do
Healing the world with comedy
Making a literal difference
Metaphorically
I swore I'd never be back
But now I'm back on my feet
And I'm healing the world with comedy
Hi.
Welcome to, uh, whatever this is.
Um, I've been working
for the last couple months,
um, testing this camera,
and testing lights, and writing,
and I've decided to, uh,
try to make a new special.
For real.
Um, it's not gonna be a normal special
because there's no audience,
and there's no crew.
It's just me and my camera,
and you and your screen.
Uh, the way that that our Lord intended.
Um
And the whole special
will be will be filmed in this, uh, room.
And instead of being filmed
in a single night,it will be filmed in
uh, however long it takes to finish.
I hope you, uh, enjoy it.
I I hope this special
can maybe do for you
what it's done for me
these last couple months,
which is, uh, to distract me from wanting
to put a bullet into my head with a gun.
So
Yeah, thank you.
And a warning.
Um, I can already sort of tell
that this special is going to be
a little all over the place,
so don't expect
incredibly smooth transiti--
Pour me a drink and clear my schedule
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
These 40 minutes are essential
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
I call, she answers
And her hair is wet
Hair is wet
I say, "Did you just shower?"
She says, "How'd you guess?"
I say, "Your hair is wet"
She says, "Oh yeah"
I tell my boys I need some space, yeah
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll hold her iPhone 5
No further than six inches from her face
Yeah, I'mma FaceTime
With my mom tonight
Tonight
She says, "Oh, look who's here"
Say hi to Dad
Hi to Dad
He says, "How ya doing, bud?"
I say, "I'm not so bad"
And that's the deepest talk
We've ever had
Watching as she looks for her glasses
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
She'll tell me all about
The season six finale of The Blacklist
I'mma FaceTime with my mom tonight
Tonight
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
My mother's covering
Her camera with her thumb
I'll waste my time
FaceTiming with my mom
Hey, kids.
Today, we're gonna learn about the world.
The world that's around us
Is pretty amazing
But how does it work?
It must be complicated
The secret is the world can only work
When everything works together
A bee drinks from a flower
And leaves with its pollen
A squirrel in a tree
Spreads the seeds that have fallen
Everything workstogether
The biggest elephant, the littlest fly
The gophers underground
The birds in the sky
And every single cricket
Every fish in the sea
Gives what they can
And gets what they need
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
From A to Zebra
To the worms in the dirt
That's how
It works
Hey, everyone.
Look who stopped by to say hello.
It's Socko.
Hey!
Where you been, Socko?
I've been where I always am
when you're not wearing me on your hand.
In a frightening,
liminal space between states of being.
Not quite dead, not quite alive.
It's similar to a constant state
of sleep paralysis.
Socko, we were just talking
about the world and how it works.
Boy, that sounds complicated.
Do you have anything you'd want
to teach us about the world?
I wouldn't say anything that you probably
haven't already said yourself.
I don't know about that, Socko.
How about you give it a try?
All right.
The simple narrative taught
In every history class
Is demonstrably false
And pedagogically classist
Don't you know
The world is built with blood
And genocide and exploitation
The global network of capital
Essentially functions
To separate the worker
From the means of production
And the FBI killed Martin Luther King
Private property's inherently theft
And neoliberal fascists
Are destroying the left
And every politician
Every cop on the street
Protects the interests
Of the pedophilic corporate elite
That is how the world works
Really?
That is how the world works
Genocide
The Natives say you got to it first
That's how
It works
That's pretty intense.
No shit.
What can I do to help?
Read a book or something. I don't know.
Just don't burden me
with the responsibility of educating you.
It's incredibly exhausting.
I'm sorry, Socko.
I was just trying
to become a better person.
Why do you rich fucking white people
insist on seeing
every socio-political conflict
through the myopic lens
of your own self-actualization?
This isn't about you.
So either get with it,
or get out of the fucking way.
Watch your mouth, buddy.
Remember who's on whose hand here.
But that's what I--
Have you not been fucking listening?
-We are entrenched in--
-All right.
Wait! No, please!
I don't want to go back.
I can't go I can't go back.
Please. Please.
I'm sorry.
Are you gonna behave yourself?
Yes.
Yes, what?
-Yes, sir.
-Look at me.
Yes, sir.
That's better.
That is how the world works
That is how the world works
I hope you learned your lesson
I did and it hurt!
That's how
It works
No!
Hello, my name is Bo Burnham.
And I am a former comedian,
turned social brand consultant.
It's a very exciting time to be a,
uh, brand.
It's also a bit of a scary time
because customers expect a lot more
from their brands
than they did in the past.
During this incredibly necessary
and overdue social reckoning
that we're having in our culture,
it is no longer acceptable for brands
to stay out of the conversation.
Consumers want to know, "Are you willing
to use your brand awareness
to effect positive social change?"
Which will create more brand awareness.
The question I ask the brands I work with
is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is
"Are you gonna be
on the right side of history?"
The question isn't,
"What are you selling?"
Or or "What service are you providing?"
The question is, "What do you stand for?"
Who are you,Bagel Bites?
All these big companies, they're so scared
of all this social change, and I come in
and I put their fears to rest.
You know, I tell them, "Just be honest."
"Tell your customers
that that JPMorgan is against racism."
In theory.
The question is no longer,
"Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?"
For example.
The question is now,
"Will you support Wheat Thins
in the fight against Lyme disease?"
There's no sugarcoating it. The world is
fucked up.
And you've got a choice as a brand.
You can
hide and bury your head in the sand
and hope it fixes itself,
or you can roll up your sleeves
and get to work,
and sell Butterfingers.
An open window
A novel
A couple holding hands
An avocado
A poem
Written in the sand
Fresh fallen snow on the ground
A golden retriever in a flower crown
Is this heaven
Or is it just a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Latte foam art
Tiny pumpkins
Fuzzy, comfy socks
Coffee table made out of driftwood
A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg
A needlepoint of a fox
Some random quote
From Lord of the Rings
Incorrectly attributed
To Martin Luther King
Is this heaven
Or am I looking at a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Her favorite photo of her mom
The caption says
I can't believe it
It's been a decade
Since you've been gone
Momma, I miss you
I miss sitting with you
In the front yard
Still figuring out
How to keep living without you
It's got a little better
But it's still hard
Momma, I got a job I love
And my own apartment
Momma, I got a boyfriend
And I'm crazy about him
Your little girl didn't do too bad
Momma, I love you
Give a hug and kiss to Dad
A goat-cheese salad
A backlit hammock
A simple glass of wine
Incredibly derivative
Political street art
A dreamcatcher
Bought from Urban Outfitters
A vintage neon sign
Three little words, a couple of doves
And a ring on her finger
From the person that she loves
Is this heaven
Or is it just a white woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
White woman
A white woman's Instagram
Here's a question for you guys. Um
Is it is it necessary?
Is it necessary
that every single personon this planet
um, expresses every single opinion
that they have
on every single thing that occurs
all at the same time?
Is that is that necessary?
Um
Or to ask in a slightly different way,
um, can can anyone
shut the fuck up?
Can can anyone,
any any
any one, any single one,
can any one
shut the fuck up about anything--
About any any single thing?
Can any single person
shut the fuck up about any single thing
for an hour?
You know, is that is that possible?
And I know you're thinking,
"You're not shutting
the fuck up right now,"
and that's true, but
Who needs a coffee
'Cause I'm doing a run
I'm writing down the orders now
For everyone
The coffee is free, just like me
I'm an unpaid intern
Sorting papers, running around
Sitting in the meeting
I'm not making a sound
Barely people, somehow legal
Unpaid intern
You work all day, go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage
You just torrent a porn
'Cause you're an intern
Unpaid
Hey, everybody.
Um, I thought I'd do a reaction video
to the song that you just saw me perform.
Thought that might be fun.
Um, so I got my laptop all set up.
So I'm ready to go, and let's go.
Who needs a coffee
'Cause I'm doing a run
I like this song.
Um, so the idea with this song
was basically that there's so many songs
in the past about
about working-class jobs,
but not a lot about the labor exploitation
of the modern world,
so that was the idea here.
Barely people, somehow legal
My beard is a little shorter in this video
'cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago.
Go back to your dorm
And since you can't afford a mortgage
You just
I think it holds up.
The song, not the beard.
Unpaid
And then you cut.
I think it's funny to cut right on--
do a reaction video
to the song that you just saw me perform.
-Thought that might be fun.
-What
Um, so I got my
Because this video played after that.
Right. So, and now Right.
Okay, so I'll just keep reacting.
So, this is me reacting to the song.
Um
What I'm doing is I'm explaining
what the song means.
Um, and what it's about.
I'm being a little pretentious.
It's, uh it's an instinct I have
where I need everything that I write
to have some deeper meaning or something.
But it's a stupid song,
and, uh, it doesn't really mean anything,
and, uh, it's it's pretty unlikable
that I that I feel this need,
this desperate need,
to be seen as intelligent.
And the video's ending here,
as you can see,
and look, I'm very confused.
See, I'm very, very confused.
'Cause I'm staring at myself,
I don't know what I'm looking at,
and I'm starting to catch up now,
and realizing what's going on.
And, uh, yeah, now I'm deciding to react
to the reaction to the video.
So here, um, I'm reacting
to my own reacting,
and I'm criticizing my initial reaction
for for being pretentious,
which is which is honestly,
it's a it's a defense mechanism.
I'm I'm so worried
that criticism will be levied against me
that I levy it against myself
before anyone else can.
And I think that, "Oh, if I'm self-aware
about being a douchebag,
it'll somehow make me less
of a douchebag." But it but it doesn't.
Um, self-awareness does not absolve
anybody of anything.
Am I balding?
This is really, really disturbing.
I don't like looking at myself like this,
and I want I want this to stop.
Okay, I want this to stop.
I'm I'm stopping this.
So, yeah,
that was, uh, my reaction to the song,
and I hope you enjoyed it.
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in1964
Jeffrey
Jeffrey Bezos
CEO, entrepreneur
Born in 1964
Jeffrey
Jeffrey Bezos
Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it
Pave the way, put your back into it
Tell us why
Show us how
Look at where you came from
Look at you now
Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet
Amateurs can fucking suck it
Fuck their wives, drink their blood
Come on, Jeff, get 'em!
I don't know about you guys,
but, um, you know,
I've been thinking recently that
that you know, maybe, um, allowing
giant digital media corporations to
exploit the neurochemical drama
of our children for profit
You know, maybe that was, uh
a bad call
by us.
Maybe
maybe the the flattening of the entire
subjective human experience
into a lifeless exchange of value
that benefits nobody,
except for, um, you know,
a handful of bug-eyed salamanders
in Silicon Valley
Maybe that as a as a way of life forever
maybe that's, um, not good.
I'm
horny.
Sexting
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
Aye, aye
AT&T
I am in bed
I am ready to go with you
Tonight I'm thinking of taking it slow
We'll use emojis only
We don't need phonetical diction
We'll talk dirty
Like we're ancient Egyptians
You send me a peach
I send a carrot back
You send a Ferris wheel
That's pretty abstract
I send back a ticket stub
Implying that
The Ferris wheel's your body
And I'd really love admission to it
Oh no!
What if now you think
That I'm implying
Your vagina
Is as big as a Ferris wheel?
Damn
You send back a snowman
Crisis averted
-Thank God
-Sexting
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
Aye, aye
AT&T
No more emojis, now it's on to words
I ask what you're wearing
You reply, "A shirt"
You say, "Are you naked?"
I say, "Yeah, except for a top hat"
You say, ""lmao." But I doubt that
I'm getting hot at just the thought
Of what I'd do to you
'Cause in my head I'm in your bed
And getting through to you
They made the Internet
For nights like these
I love you, baby
Send a picture of your tits, please
-Sexting
-Whoa
It isn't sex
It's the next best thing
Sexting
-We are sexting
-Aye, aye
AT&T
You send the pic
And say it's now my turn
Jesus fucking Christ
I guess I never learn
My phone's flash is my only light
And the flash
Makes my dick look frightened
I chicken out
And send a picture of my face instead
Because my dick looks like
The baby from Eraserhead
You say, "I sent my titties
That's not fair"
So I send it to you
And then my phone dies
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Another night on my own, yeah
Stuck in my home, yeah
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
-And one hand on my phone, yeah
-Pussy
-Another night on my own, yeah
-Titties
-Stuck in my home, yeah
-Balls
Sitting alone, one hand on my dick
And one hand on my phone, yeah
Hey, everybody.
Um, I just wanted to make
a really quick video to say thank you.
-Thank you for watching my content.
As you guys know,
I work really hard
to try to bring you guys
high-quality content
that I think you'll enjoy.
So the fact that you are enjoying it,
means everything to me.
So thank you, and also keep watching,
'cause there's a lot more content
where that came from.
All right, guys, see you later.
Trying to be funny and stuck in a room
There isn't much more to say about it
Can one be funny when stuck in a room?
I took a big fucking breath.
Trying to be funny and stuck in a room
There isn't much more to say about it
Can one be funny when stuck in a room?
Being in
Trying to get something out of it
Try making faces
Try telling jokes
Making little sounds
I was a kid who was stuck in his room
There isn't much more to say about it
When you're a kid
And you're stuck in your room
You'll do any old shit
To get out of it
Try making faces
Try telling jokes
Making little sounds
Well, well
Look who's inside again
Went out to look
For a reason to hide again
Well, well
Buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded
One more.
I grew up as your usual suburbanite
A tiny town in Massachusetts
Overwhelmingly white
I went to church on Sundays
In a suit and a tie
Then spent my free time
Watching Family Guy
I started doing comedy
When I was just a sheltered kid
I wrote offensive shit
And I said it
Father, please forgive me
For I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it
Times are changing
And I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna
Hold me accountable?
I'm problematic
He's a problem
When I was 17, on Halloween
I dressed up as Aladdin
He's a problem
I did not darken my skin
But still it feels weird in hindsight
I want to show you
How I'm growing as a person, but first
I feel I must address the lyrics
From the previous verse
I tried to hide behind my childhood
And that's not okay
My actions are my own
I won't explain them away
I've done a lot of self-reflecting
Since I started singing this song
I was totally wrong when I said it
Father, please forgive me
For I did not realize what I did
Or that I'd live to regret it
Times are changing
And I'm getting old
Are you gonna hold me accountable?
My bed is empty, and I'm getting cold
Isn't anybody gonna
Hold me accountable?
I'm problematic
He's a problem
I just remembered that Aladdin costume's
In my mother's attic
-He's a problem
-I'm gonna go home and burn it
Or not burn it. Is burning it bad?
What should I do with it?
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff
That is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all
And just really shitty
And I've been totally awful
My closet is chock-full of stuff
That is vaguely shitty
All of it was perfectly lawful
Just not very thoughtful at all
And just really
And I'm really fucking sorry
Bitch, I'm trying to listen
Shit, Ive been complacent
Sorry
If I'm gonna catch up
First, I gotta fess up
Sorry
Sorry
Sh--
So, um
I've been working on this special now
for six months.
And the whole time
I've had a a goal in mind,
which is I wanted to finish this thing
before I turned 30.
Um, because the idea of of turning 30,
while still in this fucking room,
working on this thing alone,
um, that just seemed
I just I just wanted to avoid that.
So
And you might be thinking, "Well,
that's fine. You know, look at you."
"You radiate such youth."
"You must not be turning 30 for years."
And that's very, uh, nice of you to say.
But the truth is
um, I turn 30
in less than a minute.
So I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy
uh, my twenties,
and thenget back to work.
Yay.
I used to run for miles
I used to ride my bike
I used to wake up with a smile
And goto bed at night with a dream
Ah.
But now I'm turning 30
No!
I used to be the young one
Got used to meeting people
Who were used to meeting someone
Who was born in 1990
No way!
Yeah, I was born in 1990.
Now I'm turning 30
God God damn it.
-I'm
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Turning
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Thirty
-Turning 30, turning 30
-I'm turning 30
-Turning 30, turning 30
When he was 27
My granddad fought in Vietnam
When I was 27
I built a birdhouse with my mom
Oh fuck.
How am I 30?
I used to make fun of the boomers
In retrospect, a bit too much
Now all these fucking zoomers
Are telling me that I'm out of touch
Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones
are poisoning your minds. Okay?
So when you develop
a dissociative mental disorder
in your late twenties,
don't come crawling back to me.
-I'm
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Turning
-Turning 30, turning 30
-Thirty
-Turning 30, turning 30
-I'm turning 30
-Turning 30, turning 30
And now my stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
And now my stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
My stupid friends
Are having stupid children
Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children
It's 2020, and I'm 30
I'll do another ten
2030 I'll be 40 and kill myself then
-Okay.
Check that one.
-We'll do one more.
I just wanna say for the record, um,
that I do not want to kill myself, okay?
I don't wanna kill myself,
and I'm not going to kill myself.
Um, and if you're out there and you're
struggling with suicidal thoughts
and you want to kill yourself,
I just want to tell you don't.
Okay? Can you not, please?
Just don't. All right?
Fucking quit it with the--
But really, don't kill yourself.
You don't want to, because
There are people that love you
That's not true necessarily,
but there could be people
that love you in the future,
and just don't.
I've had people close to me
kill themselves,
and I'll be honest with you,
didn't love it.
Didn't love that.
So just don't.
But if I could kill myself for a year
If I can-- I'd do it today.
If I could kill myself today and be dead
until like 18 months from now,
um, I would do it, but alas
when you kill yourself,
you're dead forever,
and we shouldn't be dead forever yet.
So let's not. Right?
Come on, guys.
How are you feeling?
Do you like the show?
Are you tired of it?
Never mind, I don't wanna know
Are you finding it boring?
Too fast, too slow?
I'm asking but don't answer
'Cause I don't wanna know
Do I have your attention?
Yes or no?
I bet I'd guess the answer
But I don't wanna know
Am I on in the background?
Are you on your phone?
I'd ask you what you're watching
But I don't wanna know
Is there anyone out there?
Or am I all alone?
It wouldn't make a difference
Still I don't wanna know
I thought it'd be over by now
But I got a while to go
I'd give away the ending
But you don't wanna kn--
What's up, boys. Welcome to the stream.
Um, I'm gonna be doing
some live play today
for the first time in a while.
Uh, you guys have been wanting that,
so we're gonna do--
This is the title, Inside.
I've got a lot of requests
for this game in chat.
It's some indie developer.
I'm not really sure.
I'm going in totally cold on this.
Um, JB, thank you for the three months.
My dude, much appreciated.
Um Okay.
That looks pretty good, graphics-wise.
I mean, I know it's a cinematic, but
So we're gonna be trying
to do live plays every day this week,
so tune in for that.
I would be gifting 30 subs
at the end of the week.
Um, day 50, 250 All right,
so this dude's been in here for a while.
-So is this like an escape the room?
-Or
Okay.
So I can cry.
So he's he's not happy
about being in this room.
I like the music.
The music is actually nice on this.
Controls are actually pretty smooth.
So you're in this like 2D set up, right?
Like, I can't control the camera.
Um
I'll give it-- I guess I'll cry again.
-He's--
So is the dude big, or is the room small?
That's what I'm confused about.
Chat's saying, try the door.
Yeah, well, okay.
I mean, I don't think
it's gonna be that simple, but I will.
Yeah, there ya go.
Um, okay,
Well, I think he'll probably cry again.
-It's tough, dude.
-It's tough. He's been in here a while.
Um, see, I don't like that.
I don't know why they feel the need
to give the hint so quick.
I just wish they'd let me
let me explore a little bit.
Wha I'm holding the flashlight
like a like a cop.
-Why is he doing that?
Ah.
All right. Okay. So
All right.
Okay, he seems a little happier now.
That's nice.
I don't know.
I'll cry, I guess, again.
Okay, I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to be do--
Oh! Nice.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, great. Um
All right, I'm into this.
Yeah, it's giving me
sort of like Death Stranding vibes,
you know,
'cause it's, like, it's fucking boring,
but that's, like, the point, I think.
Dante, thank you for the four months.
Appreciate it.
- How we feeling out there tonight?
Yeah.
I am not feeling good.
Wake up at 11:30
-Feeling like a bag of shit
-Oh no!
All my clothes are dirty
So I'm smelling like a bag of shit
Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup
OMG, that is just my luck
Look in the mirror
Say, "What's up, you useless fuck?"
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
I haven't had a shower
In the last nine days
Ah
Staring at the ceiling
And waiting
For this feeling to go away
But it won't go away
I'm not really feeling
Like I wanna get lit
-Tell us how you're feeling
-Well, I feel like shit
Oh, shit
Feeling like
A saggy, massive sack of shit
Oh, shit
Big 'ol motherfucking
Duffel bag of shit
Oh, shit
All day, all shit
I'm not really feeling
Like I wanna get lit
-Tell us how you're feeling
-I'm feeling like shit
-Ladies, do you feel like shit?
-Yeah
-Tell me, do you feel like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?
-Huh
-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Ladies, do you feel like shit?
-Yeah?
-Tell me, do you feel like shit?
-Oh yeah
-Fellas, are you feeling like shit?
-Huh?
-Tell me, are you feeling like shit?
-Oh yeah
So, um, my
uh, my current mental health is is
rapidly approaching,um, an ATL,
which is, um, that's an "all-time low,"
not not Atlanta.
And
You know, I feel okay when I'm asleep.
Like when I'm asleep, I feel all right,
but it's basically
from the moment I wake up,
I, uh, I just get this--
Feeling in my body
Way down deep inside me
-I try not to fight it
-Describe it
All right
A few things start to happen
My vision starts to flatten
My heart, it gets to tappin'
And I think I'm gonna die
Yeah, so, um
Yeah. Not
Not doing great.
Welcome to the Internet
Have a look around
Anything that brain of yours
Can think of can be found
We've got mountains of content
Some better, some worse
If none of it's of interest to you
You'd bethe first
Welcome to the Internet
Come and take a seat
Would you like to see the news
Or any famous women's feet?
There's no need to panic
This isn't a test
Just nod or shake your head
And we'll do the rest
Welcome to the Internet
What would you prefer?
Would you like to fight
For civil rights or tweet a racial slur?
Be happy, be horny
Be bursting with rage
We got a million different ways
To engage
Welcome to the Internet
Put your cares aside
Here's a tip for straining pasta
Here's a nine-year-old who died
We got movies and doctors
And fantasy sports
And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings
Of all the characters in Harry Potter
Fucking each other
Welcome to the Internet
Hold on to your socks
'Cause a random guy just kindly sent you
Photos of his cock
They are grainy and off-putting
He just sent you more
Don't act surprised
You know you like it, you whore
See a man beheaded
Get offended, see a shrink
Show us pictures of your children
Tell us every thought you think
Start a rumor, buy a broom
Or send a death threat to a boomer
Or DM a girl and groom her
Do a Zoom or find a tumor
And here's a healthy breakfast option
You should kill your mom
Here's why women never fuck you
Here's how you can build a bomb
Which Power Ranger are you?
Take thisquirky quiz
Obama sent the immigrants
To vaccinate your kids
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
You know,
it wasn't always like this.
Not very long ago
Just before your time
Right before the towers fell
Circa '99
This was catalogues
Travel blogs
A chat room or two
We set our sights and spent our nights
Waiting
For you
You
Insatiable you
Mommy let you use her iPad
You were barely two
And it did all the things
We designed it to do
Now look at you
Oh.
Look at you
You, you
Unstoppable, watchable
Your time is now
Your inside's out
Honey, how you grew
And if we stick together
Who knows what we'll do
It was always the plan
To put the world in your hand
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
All of the time
Could I interest you in everything
All of the time?
A little bit of everything
All of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
Anything and everything
And anything and everything
And anything and everything
All of the time
I've been freaking out for a long time,
thinking I'm never gonna finish
this specialand be working on it forever.
And recently, I've been feeling like,
"Oh, man, maybe I am
getting close to done with this."
"Maybe I'm gonna finish it after all."
And that has made me completely freak out
because if I finish this special,
that means that I have to,
um, not work on it anymore.
And that means
I have to just live my life,
and so I'm not gonna do that,
and I'm gonna not finish the special.
I'm gonna work on it forever, I think.
So, yeah, I'm gonna work on this forever,
and I'm never gonna release it.
I'm not talking to anybody now.
I'm just talking to myself.
So, yeah, who fucking cares?
Fuck you, and goodbye,
and let's keep going.
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Ah
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
You did it!
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Jeffrey Bezos
Congratulations!
Man, you guys are a great crowd.
Give it up for yourselves for coming out,
by the way, tonight. Give it up.
Supporting live comedy
in these weird times.
Um, it's crazy. Um
These are some pretty crazy times,
but it's nice during these crazy times
that we can get together. We can laugh.
You know? Um
I've learned something
over this last year,
which is pretty funny.
Um, I've learned that
real-world human-to-human
tactile contact will kill you,
and that all human interaction,
whether it be social, political,
spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal
should be contained
in the much more safe, much more real
interior digital space.
That the outside world,
the non-digital world,
is merely a theatrical space
in which one stages and records content
for the much more real,
much more vital digital space.
One should only engage
with the outside world
as one engages with a coal mine.
Suit up, gather what is needed,
and return to the surface.
Um
And is it just me, or do pirates need
to take a little bit better care
of their fuckin' maps?
You know, when I find a pirate's map,
it's it's always tea-stained,
and the edges are burnt,
and it's like if you're a pirate,
all right, and you're gonna
make this map and expect me
to carry it around the globe
as I search for your treasure,
then laminate it.
I can't really, uh,
play the guitar very well,
um, or sing, so
You know, apologies.
Stunning 8K resolution meditation app
In honor of the revolution
It's half-off at the Gap
Deadpool, self-awareness
Loving parents, harmless fun
The backlash to the backlash
To the thing that's just begun
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
The surgeon general's pop-up shop
Robert Iger's face
Discount Etsy agitprop
Bugle's take on race
Female Colonel Sanders
Easy answers, civil war
The whole world at your fingertips
The ocean at your door
The live-action Lion King
The Pepsi halftime show
Twenty thousand years of this
Seven more to go
Carpool Karaoke
Steve Aoki, Logan Paul
A gift shop at the gun range
A mass shooting at the mall
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
Reading Pornhub's terms of service
Going for a drive
And obeying all the traffic laws
In Grand Theft Auto 5
Full agoraphobic
Losing focus, cover blown
A book on getting better
Hand-delivered by a drone
Total disassociation
Fully out your mind
Googling "derealization"
Hating what you find
That unapparent summer air
In early fall
The quiet comprehending
Of the ending of it all
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
There it is
Again
That funny feeling
That funny feeling
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
Just wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
Hey, what can ya say?
We were overdue
But it'll be over soon
You wait
So, I--
Jesus.
So I've been working
on this, uh, special for
a year now.
It--
Fucking
So I've been working on this special
for, um, a year now,
which is, um, a lot longer
than I anticipated working on it.
When I started
So I've been working on--
I fucking
I can't. I fucking
Fucking
I am
not
um, well.
Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.
Thank you.
You guys have been incredible. Thank you.
I couldn't have done this
without you guys.
I couldn't, really. I
This last year has been
You know, there have been times
that, um
But just knowing you're here,
you know, feeling you here with me.
Um
Yeah, thank you.
You know, I hate to ask because, uh,
you've given me so much.
But
I need you to do one more thing for me.
Can you do that?
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seats
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Are you feeling nervous?
Are you having fun?
It's almost over
It's just begun
Don't overthink this
Look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Everybody
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
You want to hear a funny story?
So, uh,
five years ago, I quit
performing live comedy,
because I was beginning to have, uh,
severe panic attacks while on stage,
which is not a great place to have them.
So, I I quit.
And I didn't perform for five years,
and I spent that time
trying to improve myself mentally.
And you know what?
I did!
I got better.
I got so much better, in fact,
that in January of
2020,
I thought, "You know what, I should
start performing again."
"I've been hiding from the world,
and I need to
reenter."
And then
the funniest thing happened.
Are you feeling nervous?
Are you having fun?
It's almost over
It's just begun
Don't overthink this
Look in my eye
Don't be scared, don't be shy
Come on in, the water's fine
You say the ocean's rising
Like I give a shit
You say the whole world's ending
Honey, it already did
You're not gonna slow it
Heaven knows you tried
Got it?
Good. Now get inside
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Everybody knows
We're going to go
Where everybody knows
Everybody knows
Come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Come on, get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
I said, get your fuckin' hands up
Get up. Get up.
I'm talking to you,
get the fuck up!
Get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Hey, now get your fuckin' hands up
Get on out of your seat
All eyes on me
All eyes on me, yeah
Come on, hands down
Pray for me
Heads down now
Pray for me
I said get your fuckin' hands up
Get--
All eyes on me
All eyes on me
Hi.
Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um
I think--
I think I'm I'm done.
Um, possible uh, ending song
that is not finished yet.
Test.
Take one.
So long
Goodbye
I'll see you when I see you
You can pick the street
I'll meet you on the other side
So long
Goodbye
Do I really have to finish?
Do returns always diminish?
Did I say that right?
Does anybody want
To joke when no one's
Laughing in the background?
So this is how it ends
I promise
To never go outside again
So long
Bye
I'm slowly losing power
Has it only been an hour?
No, that can't be right
So long
Goodbye
Hey, here's a fun idea
How about I sit on the couch
And I watch you next time
I wanna hear you tell
A joke when no one's
Laughing in the background
So this is how it ends
I promise
To never go outside again
Am I going crazy?
Would I even know?
Am I right back where I started
Fourteen years ago?
Wanna guess the ending?
If it ever does
I swear to God
That all I've ever wanted
Was a little bit of everything
All of the time
A bit of everything all of the time
Apathy's a tragedy
And boredom is a crime
I'm finished playing
And I'm staying inside
If I wake up in a house
That's full of smoke
I'll panic
So call me up and tell me a joke
When I'm fully irrelevant
And totally broken, damn it
Call me up and tell me a joke
Oh shit
You're really joking
At a time like this
Well, well
Look who's inside again
Went out to look
For a reason to hide again
Well, well
Buddy, you found it
Now come out with your hands up
We've got you surrounded
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any daynow
It'll stop any day now
Any day now
Any day now
It'll stop any day now
Any day now