Bo Burnham: Words, Words, Words (2010) Movie Script
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
(laughter)
WHEN I SAY HEY,
YOU SAY HO.
HEY.
HO!
HEY.
HO!
THAT'S BASICALLY HOW HITLER
ROSE TO POWER.
(laughter,
soft piano music plays)
MY SHOW
IS A LITTLE BIT SILLY
AND A LITTLE BI PRETENTIOUS
LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S WILLIE
OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP-ON
IT'S ALSO A LITTLE BIT GAY
AND A LITTLE BIT OFFENSIVE
LIKE THANKSGIVING DAY
OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP... ON
SO PUT YOUR CELL PHONES
TO VIBRATE
AND PUT YOUR VIBRATORS
TO CELL-PHONE MODE
AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW
IT GOES A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS--JOKE
EXACTLY,
WELCOME TO MY FLOW
IT FLOWS A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS
WITH A RAP AND A DISS
THEN A SWIFT RAP ON THE WRIS A RAP AND A KISS
LIKE HERSHEY'S WRAPPIN'
A KISS, SHIT
I GOT A SHOW
THAT'LL TEST YOUR KIDS
AND I'D ASK ONE QUESTION,
AND THE QUESTION IS
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
WHAT'S FUNNY
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, OH, YEAH
HUMOR IS OFTEN LINKED
TO SHARED EXPERIENCE
LIKE A GUY GETS UP AND SAYS
HAVE YOU NOTICED
THAT PUBLIC RESTROOMS HAVE
REALLY INEFFICIENT HAND DRYERS
OH, MY GOD,
YES, I HAVE
HA HA HA,
REALLY GOOD POINT
THEY SHOULD FIX THAT
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT SOMEBODY FINALLY GETS ME
'CAUSE MY WIFE DIVORCED ME
WHICH SUBCONSCIOUSLY FORCED ME
TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF SELF
SO IT'S NICE TO THINK
ABOUT HAND DRYERS
AND NOT THAT CHEATING WHORE
BECAUSE STAND-UP COMEDY
IS ACTUALLY PRETTY EASY
IF YOU'RE AN ASIAN COMIC
JUST GET UP AND SAY
MY MOTHER'S GO THE WEIRDEST FUCKIN' ACCENT
THEN JUST DO
A CHINESE ACCENT
'CAUSE EVERYBODY LAUGHS
AT THE CHINESE ACCENT
BECAUSE THEY PRIVATELY THOUGH YOUR PEOPLE WERE LAUGHABLE
NOW YOU'VE GIVEN THEM
THE CHANCE
TO EXPRESS THAT IN PUBLIC
OH, YEAH,
IF YOU'RE A MUSICAL COMIC
JUST GIVE 'EM A LITTLE WEIRD
VOICE INFLECTION
THEN TAKE A VIAGRA
AND SLAP 'EM
WITH A ROCK-HARD MISDIRECTION
OH, WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
TOURETTES!
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, OH
AND THE AUDIENCE SAYS,
WHEN I WAS A BABY
MAYBE I LAUGHED AT PEOPLE
JIGGLING KEYS
NOW I'M OLDER
AND BOLDER AND JUST GET MAD
'CAUSE I NOTICE THAT THE KEYS
ARE TO A HUMMER
FUCK MY LIFE,
I DON'T FUCK MY WIFE
SO FUCK MY WIFE
AND FUCK MY LIFE
AND MY SON IS GAY,
BUT NOT SITCOM GAY
DAUGHTER'S A WHORE
LIKE ANOTHER GIRL
THAT USED TO BE YOUR MOTHER
BUT THE MARRIAGE
MADE HER MISS MARY AMERICANA
I WANNA TEAM WITH
THAT SCREAMIN' PRIMA DONNA
BUT THE RADICAL FEMINISTS
MADE MY WIFE A MAN
OH, AND IF I DIE HAPPY
THE SITUATION
WILL BE AUTOEROTIC
ASPHYXIATION
I HATE MY LIFE
AND IT HATES ME BACK
AND MY FRIEND IS BLACK
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO CALL HIM
SO I JUST CALL HIM
"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"
(laughter)
EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME
IS STEVE
I HATE MY JOB,
I HATE MY LIFE
HATE MY KIDS,
I HATE MY WIFE
JEWS DON'T I KNOW I DO IT,
JUDAS BEAT ME TO IT
I'M SLOWLY SLIPPING
INTO A SOLIPSISTIC COMA
AND I MASTURBATE
'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHOSE STANDARDS
ARE LOW ENOUGH TO FUCK ME
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
(pops) IT'S A BOY.
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, YEAH
HOPEFULLY THIS
(plays finale)
(raspberry)
THANK YOU.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
HAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.
SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UP
AS HERSELF
AND THEN ACT LIKE
A FUCKIN' BITCH ALL THE TIME.
(laughter)
BUT YOU KNOW,
THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT A GIRL'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,
LOOK AT HER MOTHER,
YOU KNOW, SO I'M SO GLAD
I BROKE UP WITH HER,
'CAUSE SHE WOULD'VE BEEN,
YOU KNOW...
DEAD.
(laughter and groaning)
(woman)
I WANT YOUR BABY!
I'M KEEPING HIM.
GUYS, I'M A REALIST!
I'M A REALIST.
I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZE
REALITY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFE
GIVES YOU LEMONS,
YOU PROBABLY
JUST FOUND LEMONS.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
I DON'T DENY THE BEAUTY
IN THE WORLD
'CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY,
BECAUSE LIFE
CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,
IT GIVES BIRTH TO THIS
ALMOST SILENT POETRY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITE
PLAYING THE KEYTAR,
OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TO
BLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS
ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,
OR A GIRL--A GIRL
WHO'S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR
SAYING, "MAMA,
YOU RAISED ME GOOD."
AND THEN BEING PUSHED
DOWN A WELL.
SYMMETRY.
HERE'S SOME RACIAL HUMOR
FOR YOU.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"EH."
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"WHA."
WE'RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER.
BLOOD IN THE STREETS.
(laughter)
IF I HAD A DIME--HA!
IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIME
A HOMELESS GUY
ASKED ME FOR CHANGE,
I'D STILL SAY, "NO."
(laughter)
NO. NOPE.
YO' MAMA SO FAT!
YO' MAMA SO UGLY!
YO' MAMA SO STUPID!
YOUR MOTHER'S BREASTS SAG
WITH SUCH SEVERITY
THAT THE LATE GREA SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI
MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.
(laughter and applause)
UM, THANK YOU.
I--I BELIEVE--
I BELIEVE FIRMLY
THAT WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
(cheers and applause)
I DO. I DO.
OH,
I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.
I, UH...
DON'T.
MEN AND WOMEN
THIS SONG IS CALLED
"MEN AND WOMEN"!
MEN ARE LIKE VOWS
'CAUSE THEY'RE
EASILY BROKEN
OH, YEAH
WOMEN ARE LIKE COWS
'CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE
VAGINAS
MEN ARE LIKE MUZZLES
BECAUSE THEY'LL
TRY TO SHUT YOU UP
OH, YEAH
WOMEN ARE LIKE PUZZLES
'CAUSE PRIOR TO 1920,
NEITHER HAD THE RIGHT TO VOTE
PUZZLES STILL DON'T
OH,
A MAN IS AN EAGLE
YEAH,
A WOMAN IS A DOVE
WOMEN CAN FAKE ORGASMS
BUT MEN CAN FAKE LOVE
(cheers and applause)
WOMEN ARE LIKE FINGERS
AND TOES
'CAUSE THEY'RE EASY
TO COUNT ON
(audience aws)
IT'S CUTE.
(laughter)
MEN ARE LIKE RAVENS
AND CROWS
'CAUSE THEY HATE
USING CONDOMS
(laughter and applause)
WHAT?
WOMEN ARE LIKE YAHTZEES,
OH, YEAH
'CAUSE I RARELY GET THEM
I DON'T.
MEN ARE LIKE NAZIS
'CAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSED
THE HOLOCAUST
IT'S TRUE.
OH, YEAH
FOR EVERY DOLLAR
THAT A MAN MAKES
A WOMAN MAKES 70 CENTS
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,
THAT'S NOT FAIR
THE MAN'S ONLY LEF WITH 30
MEN AND WOMEN
OH, MEN AND WOMEN,
IT'S BLACK AND WHITE
WITH AN AREA OF GRAY
FOR HERMAPHRODITE
OH, YEAH
OH, WELL, YEAH
MALE STRIPPERS
ALWAYS LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE APPLYING LOTION
AND FEMALE STRIPPERS WHEN
THEY'RE DANCING ON THE POLE
JUST LOOK LIKE
CONFUSED FIREMEN
THANKS.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
(man)
PICK THAT WEDGE!
(mocking laugh)
(laughter)
(audience member
wolf whistles)
I'M 19 YEARS OLD.
I'M A YOUNG COMEDIAN.
I HATE THAT TERM
"YOUNG COMEDIAN."
I PREFER "PRODIGY."
AND PEOPLE PIGEONHOLE ME,
YOU KNOW, AS A COMIC,
WHICH IS SO DISINGENUOUS.
'CAUSE I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I'M AN ARTIST.
AND I DON'T DO COMEDY SHOWS.
I DO ONE-MAN SHOWS.
I'VE BEEN DOING THEM--
1998 WAS MY FIRST ONE-MAN SHOW.
IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT JEWS
IN NAZI GERMANY
CALLED
"UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(light laughter)
NO, NO, NO, WATCH AND THEN JUDGE.
THIS IS A SCENE
FROM "UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(clears throat)
HEY.
SHH!
THEN IN '99--
(laughter and applause)
'99, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE CATHOLIC ORGASM."
I'LL DO A SCENE FROM THAT.
(moans, sobs)
2000...UM...
2000, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE INAPPROPRIATE MUSICIAN."
MIKE...
MIKE, BACK OFF THE LEDGE,
MIKE.
MIKE,
THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP
WITHOUT A FATHER?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE?
MIKE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!
I'M YOUR FRIEND! MIKE!
MIKE, NO, MIKE!
NO, MIKE!
(plays descending note)
(plays ascending note)
HE'S SAVED.
AND THEN IN, UM, 2001,
I DID JOHN STEINBECK'S
"THE GRAPES OF WRATH,"
EXCEPT I ADAPTED I INTO A STORY
ABOUT AN INTERGALACTIC SEXUAL
PREDATOR
CALLED "THE RAPES OF GRATH."
(laughter)
2002, I DID A PIECE--
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH
THE PIECE "THE ELEPHANT MAN"
I DID A PIECE BASED OFF THA CALLED "BULLDOG MAN"
AND I'LL DO A MONOLOGUE
FROM THAT RIGHT NOW.
(laughter)
2000, UH...
(cheers and applause)
2000--THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION
FOR THAT.
IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE TONYS.
2000--
2003 I DID A PIECE
CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN
IN THE MAGIC SHOW."
HOW?
(laughter)
2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS
HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.
(imitates Gollum)
OH! PRECIOUS.
(laughter and applause)
TWO THOU...
2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"CHARLIE BROWN
GETTING MOLESTED."
(clears throat)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?
(imitates "Charlie Brown"
adult speech)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET GO OF ME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
(rhythmically imitates
"Charlie Brown" adult speech)
GOOD GRIEF!
SO, 2000, UM..
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU. YEAH.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
2005, 6? 5?
DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M LYING.
2000--
(laughter)
2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE FIGURE SKATER'S FATHER."
MY SON?
WHAT DOES HE DO?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S AN ATHLETE.
WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S A F--
HE A--
HE'S A F--
(women scream)
2000...
(laughter)
2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE JUGGLER'S WIFE."
"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"
2008...
I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED
A LOT OF CONTROVERSY
BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE
IN THE 1780s,
BUT I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP,
'CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,
I FEEL I'M QUALIFIED
TO TELL ANY STORY.
AND IT WAS
A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"
AND IT'S RAW, HARD ART,
SO IF YOU'RE AVERSE TO THAT,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.
BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE
FROM "WHIPLASHES."
YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER
TO GOD FOR THIS.
(imitates whip crack)
OW.
(laughter)
YOU'RE A DICK.
AND THEN, UM...
2009,
WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE
BEFORE THE PIECE
I'M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...
I DID
A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME,
SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,
BUT IT'S CALLED
THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
GO, PLEASE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO KEEP YOU
ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'T.
JUST...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER
THAN IT HAS TO BE.
JUST--I HATE YOU.
IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED
TO HEAR FROM ME?
I HATE YOU, OKAY?
I HATE YOU.
(voice breaks)
I HATE YOU!
AND IT'S JUST NOT ME.
MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,
TOO.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
OH, GOD.
GOTTA LOVE IRONY.
I, UM...
I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.
I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.
I'M A LEO.
I LOVE "TITANIC."
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.
MY GRANDMOTHER,
SHE WAS A CANCER,
AND SHE
WAS ACTUALLY KILLED
BY A GIANT CRAB.
(laughter)
THIS IS A SONG
ABOUT THE IDEA OF IRONY.
SO STRAP IN.
(lively piano music plays)
MY DOG'S STOMACH
WAS VERY UPSET
SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,
AND WE WENT TO THE VET
AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET
I KILLED A CAT
HEY,
I SAID ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
I ADOPTED A CHILD
FROM OVERSEAS
TO RESCUE HIM
FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES
AND ON HIS
VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY
WE WEN TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C
WATER PARK
IS BURNED TO THE GROUND
AND A TOW TRUCK
HAS BROKEN DOWN
I ALWAYS USED TO CRY
WHEN I LAUGHED
AND THEN I WAS RAPED
BY A CLOWN
(laughter)
ISN'T--
I WAS WATCHING AL GORE
ON CNN
HE WAS TALKING AND TALKING
AND TALKING AND THEN
OUT OF BOREDOM MY PE POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
I DATED
AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
AND ONE DAY
SHE GOT REALLY PISSED
BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL
THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD
PETA? FUCK IT.
(laughter)
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
YEAH,
I'M A STAND-UP COMIC
AND I ALWAYS SI AND SLOUCH
AND I GO MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT
ON MY STERILE UNCLE'S
PULL-OUT COUCH
(chuckles)
ISN'T IT IRONIC?
I-R-O-N-I-C
YEAH, IF EVERY DAY YOU PLAY
THE BOARD GAME RISK
YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER TAKEN
A RISK IN YOUR LIFE
AND MONOPOLY
HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD
ON THE BOARD GAME MARKET
A LITTLE KID DIED
FROM SUFFOCATION
WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE
FROM OPERATION
AND I CAN'T GROW A BEARD
THAT ONE'S NOT IRONIC
THAT ONE'S JUST SAD
(laughter)
YEAH, BOB BARKER
GOT ALL OF MY PETS PREGNANT
(laughter)
MY GRANDFATHER
HAD ALZHEIMER'S
AND ONE DAY, WE WERE
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
(man)
TAKE IT OFF, BIG BOY!
THANK YOU,
IT'S A MEDIUM.
UM...
(laughter)
WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.
WE DO.
IT'S A WORLD OF BLACK
AND WHITE.
THERE'S ONLY TWO TYPES
OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,
YOU KNOW,
THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...
WHAT IS ART?
WHAT IS ART?
IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO
TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?
COULD BE.
WHAT IS AN ARTIST?
WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,
GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,
LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR
MICHAEL BAY.
LIKE THE GREAT IRISH ACTOR,
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE
DARES TO ASK.
QUESTIONS LIKE...
WHERE ARE ALL
THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?
QUESTIONS LIKE
IF MICKEY'S A MOUSE
AND MINNIE'S A MOUSE,
AND DONALD'S A DUCK,
AND DAISY AND GOOFY,
IF THEY'RE ALL ANIMALS,
AND THEY CAN TALK,
WHY IS PLUTO JUST A FUCKIN' DOG?
WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO
ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,
IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY
HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?
I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
HOW DOES IT FIT INTO
THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?
GOOFY'S A DOG. HE'S TALKING.
THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.
(laughter)
GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I THINK DISNEY TEACHES
YOUNG KIDS
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES
TEACH YOUNG GIRLS
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU COME FROM
OR HOW POOR YOU ARE AS LONG
AS YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
(laughter)
SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH
ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.
SLEEPING BEAUTY,
YOU KNOW,
WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...
DATE RAPE.
MAYBE NOT--
MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.
I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY
ON THE BORDER
OF HANNAH, MONTANA,
AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.
AND A GUY CAME UP TO ME
AFTER THE SHOW,
AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON' YOU EVER TELL STORIES
ABOUT PEOPLE COMING UP TO YOU
AFTER THE SHOW?"
AND I SAID,
"'CAUSE THEY'RE NEVER FUNNY."
(light laughter)
(man)
I WOULD FUCK YOU.
(mocking laugh)
THIS IS A LISTENING SHOW.
(laughter)
UM...
(light applause)
YEAH.
BE QUIET, AMERICA DOESN' WANT TO HEAR YOU CLAP.
DO IT, THOUGH,
WHEN I NEED IT.
(scattered clapping)
WHEN I NEED IT!
(laughter)
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
A BLACK GIRLFRIEND,
NOT AS JOKE,
JUST 'CAUSE LIKE,
THEN WHEN WE 69,
I CAN CALL IT "YIN YANGING."
(audience groans, applause)
GUYS, SEE--
EASY, LOOK,
IT'S 21st-CENTURY RACISM.
IT'S RACISM
IN LIGHT OF ITSELF.
THE ONLY REASON I'M MAKING THESE
CLAIMS IS BECAUSE THE STIGMAS
ABOUT RACE ARE ALREADY THERE
AND I'M JUST PLAYING OFF THAT.
'CAUSE I THINK RACISM ITSELF
IS SO RIDICULOUS,
AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT,
SO IF AFTER THE SHOW,
YOU SEE A BLACK GUY
BEATING ME UP,
HE'S DOING IT IRONICALLY.
OKAY?
(audience members shouting)
(laughter)
(woman)
I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU!
(laughter)
(woman) WE ALL WILL!
(audience members shouting)
YA DONE?
(laughter)
OF COURSE ALL THE WOMEN THA SAID THAT WERE IN THE DARK.
I, UM...
(laughter)
NO, I BET YOU'RE GORGEOUS
IN THE DARK.
UM...
OKAY.
(slow piano music plays)
(tempo increases)
I'M A FEMININE EMINEM
A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE
'CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI
90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD
AND I'M ARRESTED
FOR DOIN' 80
LIKE HAMLET, I'M ABOUT WORDS,
WORDS, WORDS
DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,
THIRDS, THIRDS
I'M A GAY SEA OTTER
I BLOW OTHER DUDES
OUT OF THE WATER
I'M THE MAN-MUFFIN
DIVIN' MUFFIN,
COLD AND FLY
LIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN'
PUFFIN' WACKY-TOBACCY
HATIN' OTHER RAPPERS
LIKE I'M HUGGIN' PATAKI
AND I'VE BEEN ROCKIN' THIS MIC
BEFORE ELECTRICITY
WAY BACK IN 1,000 B.C.E.
THAT'S BEFORE
THE COMIN' ERA--
(imitates record scratching)
OH, GOD, CAN'T BE STOPPED
FLOW SO SICK
THAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP
CHICK'S GOT A DIXIE CUP
I GOT A DICK FULL OF HELIUM,
I'LL FUCK YOU UP
A BOY, A GIRL,
A MIDDLE-AGED BITCH
BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON
I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVE
A SWITCH AND
BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON
OH, JUST RELAX
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME
HERE'S TWO FACTS
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
(laughter)
SAID I HATE
CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
YEAH!
MET A GIRL NAMED MACY
I HAD SEX WITH HER
ALL DAY
BUT SHE WAS DYSLEXIC
SO I ENDED UP
DOING THE YMCA
WE BALL IN ASIAN
WE BOWL IN PROSTATE CANCER
SEMICOLON
FIND THAT HOLE
LIKE I'M STEPHEN HAWKING
ATTICUS FINCH,
KILLING, MOCKING
CRY LIKE A CHILD WOULD
YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD
JUST STROLLIN',
ROLLIN' YOUR POLE IN
TO ROLY-POLLY
OLLY'S COLON
TO RELAX THE MIND
I TAKE A WALK BY THE CLOCK,
AND I PASS THE TIME
AND RHYMIN'
MATHEMATICAL TIMING
SYNTAX IMPACTS
THE INTACT TIMIN'
I'M AN INTERNET PROVIDER
CAME FROM THE WEB
LIKE A HORNY SPIDER
KISSED A GIRL
IN AN APPLE ORCHARD
THEN SLIPPED IN CIDER
("inside her")
I THOUGHT AIDS
WAS A BUTT VIRUS
LIKE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION
CONJUNCTIVITIS
I SPIT GOLD BARS 'CAUSE I WAS
MOLESTED BY MY UNCLE MIDAS
GAY DADS BLOW POPS,
ANOTHER SUCKER
OEDIPUS
WAS THE FIRST MOTHER FUCKER
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
WE THE PEOPLE OF USA
JOSE, WE'RE NOT TALKING
TO YOU, ESSE
WE GOT A BORDER IN ORDER
TO KEEP YOU OUT
IT'S WHAT MY NYU ESSAY
IS ABOUT
'CAUSE WE'RE SOUTH OF HEAVEN,
NORTH OF HELL
BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY,
BUY, BUY, SELL
WE GUARD THE BORDER
AND WE GUARD IT WELL
BUT SOME SLIP THROUGH THE
CRACKS OF THE LIBERTY BELL
DID I SAY LIBERTY?
I MEANT TACO, PACO
HEY, YOU BETTER
LET THAT ROCK GO
'CAUSE IN REAL LIFE,
GOLIATH WINS
SELLS ALL THE SILK
THAT THE WIDOW SPINS
YEAH, ONE MORE TIME
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
SAID A HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HY-Y-POCRITE
YEAH.
BITCHES AND HOES,
BO'S HOES
YEAH,
BITCHES AND HOES
YEAH, I SAID BITCHES,
HOES
BITCHES AND HOES
DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'S A FEMINIST
BITCHES AND HOES
DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'S A FEMINIST
SO TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM
TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
OH, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM
TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM (cheers and applause)
YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM
TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
BURN 'EM, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM
(cheers and applause)
WHAT THE FUCK?
(laughter)
LET US PRAY.
DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU CAN'T PARTICIPATE,
BY THE WAY,
IF YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN,
'CAUSE THIS IS A PRAYER
FOR ALL FAITHS, SO...
DEAR JESUS OF NAZARETH...
(laughter)
FIRST OF ALL,
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU
FOR CALLING YOURSELF
JESUS OF NAZARETH.
IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE LORD
OF THE RINGS OR SOMETHING.
"I AM JESUS OF NAZARETH,
SON OF ORFLEK, THE BUTCHER."
WE KNOW, LORD, THAT YOU SO
LOVED THE WORLD FROM JOHN 3:16,
YOU SO LOVED THE WORLD
THAT YOU SENT YOUR ONLY SON
TO DIE FOR US, YOUR ONLY SON,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
WE'RE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,
SO IN YOUR EYES,
WE'RE A BUNCH OF GIRLS.
(laughter)
SO HELP US AS WE STRUGGLE
WITH THE TEMPTATIONS
OF LESBIANISM, AMEN.
I, UH...
PEOPLE COME TO ME ALL THE TIME--
ALL THE TIME,
THEY SAY THE SAME THING,
YOU KNOW,
"BO, YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
HOW DO WE FIX AFRICA?"
(laughter)
I READ RECENTLY THAT THERE ARE
OVER 22 MILLION PEOPLE
LIVING WITH HIV AIDS
IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.
YEAH.
IT WAS A SNAPPLE FACT.
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
THIS.
BECAUSE LAUGHTER...
LAUGHTER
IS THE BEST MEDICINE,
YOU KNOW,
BESIDES MEDICINE.
YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
(cheers and applause)
(clears throat)
WHY?
THAT WAS SOCRATES.
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING--
LOT OF LAUGHING.
GREAT FOR A COMEDY SHOW.
HEY, BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.
MA'AM.
FIFTH WALL--MA'AM AT HOME.
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF--
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING.
BUT WE HAVEN'T DONE A LO OF THINKING.
AND I'D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW,
AND WHAT BETTER
TO STOP COMIC INERTIA THAN
A LITTLE BIT OF POETIC FRICTION?
I'VE WRITTEN SOME HAIKUS.
HAIKUS ARE JAPANESE POEMS
CONSISTING OF 17 SYLLABLES,
3 LINES, 5, 7, 5.
I FIND THEM TO HAVE A CERTAIN
CLEARNESS IN THEIR COGENCY,
SORT OF A SOUNDNESS IN THEIR
SIMPLICITY, IF YOU WILL.
SO WHAT WE'LL DO NOW HOPEFULLY
IS READ THESE HAIKUS,
THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT,
AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK
TO THE JOKES AND THE LAUGHING
AND WE'LL HAVE BENEFITED
FROM THE TIME WE TOOK TO THINK.
SO IF COULD JUST,
YOU KNOW,
PUT UP WITH THESE,
THINK FOR A BIT, HOPEFULLY,
AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK
TO THE JOKES,
BUT THESE ARE MY HAIKUS.
I SAW A RAINBOW
ON THE DAY MY GRANDMA DIED.
FUCKING LESBIAN.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
FOR 15 CENTS A DAY,
YOU CAN FEED AN AFRICAN.
THEY EAT PENNIES.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
OLD PEOPLE'S SKIN SAGS
BECAUSE IT IS BEING
PULLED TOWARDS THE UNDERWORLD.
(triangle dings, laughter)
MISSED THAT.
A KID INSULTED MY MOTHER
SO I SAID,
"YOUR MAMA IS SO BLACK!"
(triangle dings,
laughter)
"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD
HAVE THEM DO TO YOU."
SAID THE RAPIST.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
MY AUNT USED TO SAY,
"SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE."
SHE DIED IN A FIRE.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES
SHOULDN'T THROW STONES
OR MASTURBATE
IN THE DAYTIME.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
IT'S TRUE.
EVEN IF HE IS YOUR FRIEND,
NEVER, EVER CALL
AN ASIAN PERSON.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
AND FINALLY...
BONO, IF YOU WANNA HELP
POOR PEOPLE,
SELL YOUR TINTED SHADES,
YOU CUNT.
(triangle dings,
cheers and applause)
THANK YOU,
THIS NEXT PIECE--
THIS NEXT PIECE IS CALLED
"SONNET 155"
OR "IF SHAKESPEARE
HAD WRITTEN A PORN."
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
I SAW THE MORNING DEW
BETWIXT THINE THIGHS
AS I REMOVED MY SOURCE
OF GRECIAN POWER.
AS IF KING MIDAS
DARED TO TOUCH THE SKIES,
UPON THY BODY FELL
A GOLDEN SHOWER.
(audience groans)
THY BODY'S TEMPLE'S
TWO CHURCH BELLS HAD RUNG.
UPON THY CHEST,
A ROLL OF PEARLS BESTOWED.
THE SUN HAD SET,
THY SET WITH WEARY HUNG.
I THOUGHT, HOW BLACK A NIGHT,
AND BLEW A LOAD.
(audience groans)
I SAID WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER
BEAVER BREAKS?
IT IS THE YEAST.
(audience groans,
scattered cheering)
AND NOW MY BELLY'S YELLOW.
MY POLE GIVES CAUSE
TO STORMS AND EARTHY QUAKES,
BUT 'TIS NOT MASSIVE,
I AM NO OTHELLO.
AND WHEN THAT FINAL MOMEN CAME TO PASS,
LIKE CHRIST,
I CAME A-RIDING ON AN ASS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU,
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE...
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
WAS A VERBAL CONTORTIONIST.
HE CAN BEND HIS WORDS
THE WAY A CONTORTIONIS BENDS HIS FRAME,
AND I WOULD HOPE THAT HE COULD
WITH A NAME
LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE--
SOME OF YOU SEEM LOST.
LOOK, SAY YOUR NAME
WAS ROBERT FROST,
AND YOU COULDN'T WRITE,
THAT WOULD SUCK.
WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD ALWAYS
GO AS BOBBY FROS AND OWN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.
HE WAS BALANCED LIKE A SIMILE
AND COULD STACK METAPHOR FIVE,
SIX AT A TIME AND RHYME
INTO THE VERY LAST LINE
OF A SOLILOQUY
WHICH FINALLY SAID OUTRIGH WHAT THE PREVIOUS 77
WE'RE ONLY HINTING AT.
HE HAD PUNS AND QUIPS
AND TONS OF TRIPS
WITH SONS WITH SHIPS,
WITH NUNS WITH HIPS
AND BUNS AND LIPS,
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD.
PENICILLIN.
(laughter)
SEE, IT HADN'T BEEN
INVENTED YET.
BACK THEN, THEY ONLY HAD
QUILLICILLIN, HEY-OH!
SORRY, IT'S NOT THAT HARD,
BARD.
I'M SORRY, I GOT A BONE
TO PICK WITH YOU, WILLIAM.
SO IF YOU COULD JUS LISTEN UP HERE
AND LISTEN TO THIS THEATER
QUEER'S THEATER QUERY HERE
AND MAYBE ACT LIKE A REAL ARTIS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
SAY VAN GOGH AND,
"LEND ME YOUR EAR."
YOU'RE NOT A WRITER.
YOU'RE A WRITER LIKE
HULK HOGAN'S A STREET FIGHTER.
YOU WRITE THESE DRAMAS,
YOU ACCUMULATE YOUR WEALTH,
YOU HOLD NATURE
AS T'WERE MIRROR OF YOURSELF.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE MESSED UP
DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE, TOO.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU WANNA BANG
YOUR MOM
DOESN'T MEAN
THAT DANISH PRINCES DO.
WHAT? WHO? HAMLET, SHAKESPEARE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE YOUNG PRINCE
WHOSE FATHER DIED
AT THE HANDS OF HIS UNCLE
WITH WHOM HIS MOTHER LIED.
SOUND FAMILIAR?
IT'S THE FUCKING "LION KING"!
(laughter and applause)
YOU STOLE FROM A DISNEY MOVIE,
YOU ANDROGYNOUS DOUCHE.
WHAT'S NEXT,
THE STORY OF A FRENCH KING
ON A QUES TO FIND HIS LOST SON NEMO?
(laughter)
OH, AND BY THE WAY, POETIC
TALENT IS REALLY EASY TO FAKE
WHEN THY SENTENCES
DOTH NO FUCKING SENSE MAKE.
(laughter)
"TO BE OR NOT TO BE?"
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER
IN THE MIND TO SUFFER
THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE,
OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINS A SEA OF TROUBLES,
AND BY OPPOSING END THEM,
TO DIE...
TO SLEEP NO MORE,
AND BY A SLEEP,
TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHE
AND THE THOUSAND NATURAL SHOCKS
THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.
'TIS A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY
TO BE WISH'D.
TO DIE, TO SLEEP,
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.
AYE, THERE'S THE RUB,
FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH,
WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
WHEN WE HAVE SHUFFLED OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL?
MUST GIVE US PAUSE.
(scoffs)
LIKE, WHAT?
(laughter)
THIS NEXT SONG
IS ABOUT QUANTUM MECHANICS.
THIS NEXT SONG--
(laughter)
I WAS RAISED VERY WELL,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A FIELD OF CORN.
I WAS ALSO RAISED
VERY CHRISTIAN,
LIKE THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN.
AND CHRISTIANS GET ANGRY AT ME,
THEY DO,
BECAUSE I SAY THINGS LIKE,
"WHY THE LONG NOSE,
POPE-NOCCHIO?"
THEY THINK
I'LL GONNA GO TO HELL.
TRUTH IS,
I'VE BEEN TO CHRISTIAN HELL,
AND I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
HITLER WAS THERE,
AND SO WERE ALL THE JEWS
YEAH, SO IT GO A LITTLE AWKWARD
(laughter)
I WAS SURROUNDED BY CATHOLICISM
AT A YOUNG AGE
AND I WAS ALSO IN A GARAGE BAND
FOR 20 MINUTES.
THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THAT.
HIT IT.
(electronic music plays)
(laughter)
(violin riff plays)
(cheers and applause)
ALL THE SEATS
AT THE SUNDAY MASS IS
FILLED WITH THE MASSES'
MASS OF ASSES
CLASSES PASS AS FAS AS MOLASSES
CEREMONIAL READING GLASSES
READ A LITTLE BI OF LEVITICUS
ALL THE KIDS ARE A LITTLE
TOO LITTLE FOR THIS
ALL THE PARENTS NOD
IN AGREEMENT
"I THINK I CAN VAGUELY
SEE WHAT HE MEANT"
IT'S TOO EARLY
IN THE MORNING GLORY
TO READ ANOTHER
ALLEGORY STORY
THE FATHER
READS A LITTLE BIT FARTHER
ASSURING THE ASSURED
THAT THEY NEED NOT BOTHER
WHEN GOD, IN VERSE 45
SAID THAT SLAVES
ARE OKAY TO BUY
HE MEANT THAT PEOPLE
ALL FROM THE START
EACH HAVE SLAVES
WITHIN THEIR HEARTS
THINGS THAT WE HAVE SOLD
OR BOUGHT
AND THEN ARE FORCED TO PICK
OUR MORAL COTTON
GOD CALLS US
TO SET THESE FREE
FREE OUR HEARTS
FROM SLAVERY
AND THEN AS GOD GOES ON
TO EXPLAIN
THE LOGISTICS OF BUYING
AND SELLING SLAVES
(music stops)
HE WAS MESSIN' AROUND.
HE'S--HE--
JESUS IS SORT OF LIKE--
(music continues)
IN THE BACK,
I SIT AND I NOD
TO THE BEATS THA ARE BUMPIN' FROM MY iPOD
MY GOD,
THEY'RE STARTING TO PRAY
AND OVER THE MUSIC,
I CAN HEAR THEM SAY
DEAR GOD, DEAR LORD
DEAR VAGUE MUSCULAR MAN
WITH A BEARD OR A SWORD
DEAR GOOD ALL-SEEING BEING
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
YAHWEH
THE BLUE-BALLED
ANTI-MASTURBATOR
THE GREAT ALL-LOVING
FAGGOT HATER
I LIKE TO THANK
YOUR HOLY MIGHT
FOR MAKING ME BOTH RICH
AND WHITE
AND THOUGH THIS IS YOUR DAY
OF REST
I COME TO YOU
WITH ONE REQUEST
THERE'S SO MUCH PAIN
BEYOND THIS STEEPLE
WARS AND DRUGS
AND HOMELESS PEOPLE
SADNESS
WHERE THERE SHOULD BE JOY
HATE AND RAPE
AND SOULJA BOY
A WORLD IN DARKNESS
NEEDS YOUR LIGHT
SO I'M SURE YOUR SCHEDULE'S
PRETTY TIGHT
BUT MY DOG
JUST HAD LEG SURGERY.
IF YOU COULD FIX THAT FIRST?
JESUS?
DEBRA MESSING'S FINGERS
IN A HOLY PLACE
HAIL MARY
FULL OF GRACE
OBAMA, COULD YOU PASS
SOME HOPE TO THE POPE?
I KNOW A COUPLE DUDES
WHO WANT TO ELOPE
SEE, THE CHURCH SAID NOPE,
SO THE BROS CAN'T COPE
BROS CAN GROPE,
BUT THE BROS CAN'T COPE
THEY'VE BEEN IN LOVE
AND THEY'VE BEEN ADDICTED
WHO SAID THEY SHOULDN'T?
BENEDICT DID
'CAUSE IN THE HOLY LAND
OF THE LORD
HE'S THE HOLY LANDLORD
AND DICKS ARE EVICTED
'CAUSE YOU CAN BE A BENEDICT
IF YOU BEND A DICK
UNDER BENEDICT
BUT YOU CAN' HAVE BENEDICTS
BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE POPE
WITH ONLY ONE DICK, WHAT?
YEAH,
A DICK ON A POPE IS
JUST LIKE A SOAP ON ROPE
'CAUSE IT'S POINTLESS
UNLESS IN PRISON
THROW UP YOUR BIBLES,
CHRIST HAS RISEN
HALLELUJAH,
NOW IT'S RAINING MEN
BECAUSE THE GENDER RATIO'S
ONE-TO-TEN
WINOS A THE EUCHARIST STATION
TRANSGENDERED
SUBSTANTIATION
JESUS WASN'T THE MESSIAH,
GET BACK
I'M A HERETIC,
AND I'M ON FIRE
IT WAS OEDIPUS,
THOSE HOLY KNIGHTS
THE HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN'
CHRIST
I'M A BLASPHEMER POST-KATRINA
CRUISIN' THE MARINA
ON A CRUSADE TO CRUISE AIDS
AND BLAST FEMA
YOU'RE TOO LATE, WE'RE FUCKED,
WE DON'T NEED YOU, AMEN
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
SON, AND HOLY GHOST
HEAD, SHOULDERS,
KNEES AND TOES
TURN UP YOUR NOSE,
STRIKE THAT POSE
HEY MACARENA
(record scratch,
cheers and applause)
I WANTED TO BE A PHYSICIS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
AND I ALSO WANTED TO BE
A COMEDIAN,
BUT ONLY ONE OF THOSE
SORT OF WORKED OUT.
I'D LIKE TO TRY TO DO BOTH,
THOUGH NOW
IN A BIT THAT I CALL
"THEORETICAL DICK JOKES."
GOES LIKE THIS.
(laughter)
MY PENIS IS SO SMALL
I OFTEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING I BECAUSE IT'S SO GRATEFULLY
INFLUENCED BY
QUANTUM MECHANICAL FLUCTUATIONS
IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME.
AND WHEN I'M HAVING INTERCOURSE
WITH A WOMAN,
SHE CAN ONLY KNOW WHERE MY PENIS
IS OR HOW FAST IT'S MOVING
'CAUSE IT'S SMALL ENOUGH
AND LIGHT ENOUGH TO BE FULLY
GOVERNED BY THE HEISENBERG
UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.
I'VE GOT AN EATING DISORDER.
YEAH, MORE LIKE
NUTRITIONAL ENTROPY.
SO...
(light laughter)
NEVER SAID I WAS FUNNY, OKAY?
SO STOP STARING AT ME.
SEGUES ARE WEIRD.
HOW OLD IS TOO OLD
TO STOP BELIEVING IN, LIKE,
THE TOOTH FAIRY,
LIKE, 12?
I HAVE A COUSIN
WHO IS 18, YEAH.
STILL BELIEVES
IN GAY MARRIAGE.
IT'S LIKE...
(laughter)
I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE THINKING--
"OH, BO, YOU TACKLE
SUCH TABOO SUBJECTS.
YOU KNOW,
"IS THERE ANYTHING OFF-LIMITS,
"ANYTHING
YOU DON'T FIND FUNNY,
ANYTHING YOU THINK
IS TOO SACRED TO LAUGH AT?"
AND THE TRUTH IS,
THERE IS.
WHITE PEOPLE.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
I THINK WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH ENOUGH.
(laughter)
I FIND NUMBERS
TO BE FASCINATING
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY
THAN NUMBERS, I FIND STATISTICS
TO BE PARTICULARLY ENLIGHTENING,
THOUGHT-PROVOKING EVEN.
I'VE GATHERED SOME HERE.
THESE ARE ALL 100% TRUE.
WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS THEATER AND
ENTER THE WORLD DEVOID OF ART,
YOU CAN CHECK THESE,
AND THEY WILL COME BACK
'CAUSE THEY ARE TRUE.
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO BLOW YOUR MIND,
BUT MAYBE YOU'LL HEAR
ONE OF THESE AND GO,
"OH, MY GOD,
NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT."
SO THESE ARE MY STATISTICS.
(clears throat)
(light laughter)
APPROXIMATELY 33.33%
OF THE JONAS BROTHERS
HAVE DIABETES.
(laughter)
ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR KIDS
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.D.
ACTUALLY HAS IT,
AND FOUR OUT OF FOUR KIDS
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.H.D.
HAVE AN ANNOYING,
SELF-RIGHTEOUS MOTHER WHO
WOULDN'T JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND TAKE HER HUSBAND'S
LAST NAME.
HERE'S A FUN ONE.
ONE OF THE EVERY 44
U.S. PRESIDENTS CAN DUNK.
IT'S MILLARD FILLMORE,
YOU RACISTS.
THE AVERAGE CHILD OF SARAH PALIN
HAS 46.2 CHROMOSOMES.
(audience groans)
IT'S A FACT!
I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
IT'S NUMBERS.
(laughter)
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE OFFENDED
BY THAT ONE,
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE
OFFENDED BY THE NEXT ONE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING--
I AM, TOO.
I THINK THIS IS FUCKED UP.
.27% OF ALL JENGA GAMES
ARE PLAYED ON 9/11.
NOW--
(audience groans)
IT'S FUCKED UP!
STOP PLAYING JENGA ON 9/11.
STOP IT. STOP IT.
STOP PLAYING JENGA...
(laughter)
THAT WAS AWKWARD.
THIS NEXT ONE BLEW MY MIND.
BLEW MY MIND.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS WHEN YOU HEAR IT.
BUT GO HOME, CHECK IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT'S TRUE.
THE AVERAGE PERSON...
HAS ONE FALLOPIAN TUBE.
(laughter)
THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH
IS 5 1/2 INCHES.
AND FINALLY, THE AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH OF A MAN
WHO GOOGLES "AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH" IS 3 1/2 INCHES.
THANK YOU.
(cheers and applause)
YEAH, BO!
YEAH, BO!
(audience members shouting)
YEAH.
THANK YOU.
I WENT TO THE MOVIES THE OTHER
DAY BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE
THE 20th ANNIVERSARY
OF "SCHINDLER'S LIST" IN 3-D.
(rimshot)
AND I WENT INTO THE GIRLS'
BATHROOM TO LOOK FOR MY CAMERA.
(rimshot)
AND I SAW A CONTAINER THA SAID "SANITARY NAPKINS ONLY."
LADIES...
(drumroll)
DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS
IN ONE BASKET!
THAT'S A JOKE!
(laughter and applause)
(laughter)
THIS SONG--
THIS SONG ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL,
BUT IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ENTERTAINERS
LIKE TO SEEM COMPLICATED
BUT WE'RE NOT COMPLICATED
I CAN EXPLAIN I PRETTY EASILY
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR CHILDREN
AND ONE OF THE CHILDREN
WON'T STOP SCREAMING
'CAUSE HE'S JUST A LITTLE
ATTENTION-ATTRACTOR
WHEN HE GROWS UP
TO BE A COMIC OR ACTOR
HE'LL BE REWARDED
FOR NEVER MATURING
FOR NEVER UNDERSTANDING
OR LEARNING
THAT EVERY DAY
CAN'T BE ABOUT HIM
THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE,
YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE
I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC,
I MUST BE DEMENTED
TO THINK THAT I'M WORTHY
OF ALL THIS ATTENTION
OF ALL OF THIS MONEY
YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR
I SLEPT IN LATE WHILE
YOU WORKED AT THE DRUGSTORE
MY DRUG'S ATTENTION,
I AM AN ADDICT
BUT I GET PAID
TO INDULGE IN MY HABIT
IT'S ALL AN ILLUSION,
I'M WEARING MAKE-UP
I'M WEARING MAKE-UP,
MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP
ART IS DEAD
SO PEOPLE
THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
HOW DO WE GE THOSE PEOPLE'S MONEY?
I SAID ART IS DEAD
WE'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH WHILE
CARLIN ROLLS IN HIS GRAVE
HIS GRAVE
HIS GRAVE
I SAID THE SHOW HAS GO A BUDGET
THE SHOW HAS GOT A BUDGET
AND ALL THE POOR PEOPLE
WAY MORE DESERVING
OF THE MONEY
WON'T BUDGE IT
'CAUSE I WANTED
MY NAME IN LIGHTS
WHEN I COULD HAVE FED
A FAMILY OF FOUR
FOR 40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS
40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, GOD, FORGIVE ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'T REVERE ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'T RESPECT ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME
A SELF-CENTERED ARTIST,
SELF-OBSESSED ARTIST
I AM AN ARTIST,
I AM AN ARTIST
BUT I'M JUST A KID,
I'M JUST A KID
I'M JUST A KID, KID,
AND MAYBE I'LL GROW OUT OF IT
(cheers and applause)
OLD COMICS--
OLDER COMICS FROM, LIKE,
THE '80s AND THE '70s,
THEY THINK THAT MY ACT IS HACKY
BECAUSE IT RELIES
ON MUSIC AND OTHER THINGS,
AND THEY'RE SUCH
COMEDY PURISTS,
AND THEY DON'T THINK MY COMEDY
CAN STAND ON ITS OWN,
WHICH ISN'T TRUE BECAUSE,
RIGHT,
I AM A COMEDY PURIS AT HEART,
AND I CAN DO COMEDY
WITHOUT THE GIMMICKS.
AND IT CAN STILL BE GOOD.
I'LL SHOW YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A KID
WITH NO ARMS AND AN EYE PATCH?
NAMES.
(laughter and applause)
I'M NOT A TRADITIONAL STAND-UP,
UM, BUT I'D LIKE TO BE.
I LOVE TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP COMEDY,
AND A LOT OF MY HEROES
ARE TRADITIONAL STAND-UP COMICS,
AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING
A LOT OF IT,
AND I THINK I'VE SORT OF
FIGURED OUT THE TRICK TO IT.
SO I'LL GIVE YOU MY TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP ACT NOW.
IT'S IN ITS INFANCY
SO PLEASE BE GENTLE.
UH...
MY WIFE, RIGHT?
(laughter)
WE NEVER HAVE SEX, LIKE, EVER,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
SOMETHING ELSE IS I NEVER KNOW
WHAT SHE'S SAYING.
YOU KNOW, SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING,
AND I'LL BE, LIKE...
SOMETHING ELSE IS, SHE'S, LIKE,
CONSTANTLY EMASCULATING ME,
AND I'M MAKING HER RESEN HERSELF FOR GETTING OLDER,
SO WE'RE LOOKING INTO A DIVORCE,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
SOMETHING ELSE
IS SHE CAN'T DRIVE.
THE ONLY THING SHE CAN DRIVE
IS DRIVE ME CRAZY!
YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE BACK-TALKS,
I HIT HER.
(laughter)
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED
THE SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,
AND IF YOU DIDN'T, YOU KNOW...
WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN...
MAKE A COMFORTER.
(laughter)
I FEEL LIKE HIP-HOP...
USED TO BE A VOICE
FOR THE VOICELESS, YOU KNOW?
AND NOW IT'S BECOME,
AT LEAST IN THE MAINSTREAM,
A SYMBOL OF MISOGYNY...
GAY PANIC...
FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY,
YOU KNOW?
SO I FIGURE...
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM,
JOIN 'EM.
HITTIN' THE CLUB UP
V.I.P.
I'VE GOT A FAKE MUSTACHE
AND A FAKE I.D.
I LOOK LIKE WOOLY WILLY
WITH A REALLY WOOLY WILLY
AND I BYPASS THE BOUNCER
PASS BY AN EX, AND I FLEX
AND BOUNCE HER, WOWSER
LOOK AT ALL OF BO'S HOES
LOOKING FOR A RIDE
ON BO'S HOSE
AND I SPOT A LITTLE LATINO
BOOTY SO BIG,
CALL IT OPRAH'S EGO
WE GO DO IT THROUGH IT
SHE SAYS,
"DIOS MIO, MI AMIGO"
WHEN WE WERE DONE, SHE SAID,
"HEH, IMMA AYA"
SWALLOW, BITCH, THERE'S PEOPLE
STARVIN' IN AFRICA
(laughter)
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE GAY,
THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT
I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY
OH, BO
I SAID, OH, BO
OH, BO
YOU'RE AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE
WITH A CHERRY ON TOP
BUT CAREFUL, CHERRY,
'CAUSE I'M THE KING OF POP
POP,
POP GOES THE WEASEL
HAVE YOU LOOKIN' LIKE
JACKSON POLLACK'S EASEL
YEAH, MY SUGGESTION IS
YOU DON'T BLOW TILL YOU KNOW
WHAT CONGESTION IS
SWALLOW WHEN YOU KNOW
WHAT DIGESTION IS
FOLLOW BO,
THE ONLY QUESTION IS
HAVE YOU BEEN SPLATTERED
BEFORE
BY THE MAD HATTER MATADOR
CAKE BATTER NEVERMORE
IT DON'T MATTER
WHETHER YOU'RE
SPANISH, FRENCH, SWEDISH,
OR CAMBODIAN
I'LL SLIME YOU SO HARD
YOU COULD BE ON NICKELODEON
(cheers and applause)
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE GAY
THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT
I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY
(scattered shouting)
OH, BO,
I SAID, OH, BO
I SAID, OH, BO
YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ME
GIRL,
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
MY JUNK IS BIPOLAR,
IT'LL SPLIT YOU IN HALF
I SAID,
AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY
I MIGHT JUST BRING YOU HOME,
AND I'LL HAVE YOU GOING DOWN
LIKE YOU'RE GROWING
AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME
AND WHEN YOU LOVE ME,
DON'T GRAB ME BY MY BUNS
'CAUSE I GOT A BAD CASE
OF THE RU-U-NS
I GOT THE RUNS
I GOT THE RU-UH-UH-
OH, OH
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE
YEAH, AND IF I WERE
(music softens)
LIKE TO BREAK IT DOWN
FOR Y'ALL.
I CAME FROM THE STREETS
WITH NOTHING.
(light laughter)
NOW I'M MAKING HIT RECORDS.
FOR MY PEOPLE STILL LIVING
IN THE STREETS,
STILL LIVING IN POVERTY,
I WANNA TELL YOU,
I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU.
MY SUCCESS...
IS YOUR SUCCESS.
AND YOU MAY BE THINKING, "HEY,
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
"WHY DON'T YOU USE
SOME OF YOUR MONEY
"TO HELP
REBUILD THE NEIGHBORHOOD
INSTEAD OF PUTTING SPINNING RIMS
ON A GOLD JETSKI?"
(laughter)
AND TO THAT I SAY...
UH-OH,
CHORUS IS COMING UP.
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THOSE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE
YEAH, AND IF I WERE
YOU GOT A FUME LIKE A TUNA
I'LL SMELL YOU LATER
I MET A FAT CHICK AND I
FUCKED HER IN AN ELEVATOR
IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS
(laughter)
'CAUSE I SAID IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS
I SAID IT WAS WRONG ON
(cheers and applause)
OH...
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW
IF ALL BOY SCOUTS ARE GAY
THEY COULD PROBABLY
TIE THE KNOT (cheers and applause)
IN LIKE FIFTY DIFFERENT--
I'M DYING INSIDE!
I GOT A SAFE FULL OF CHERRIES
'CAUSE I POP IT AND LOCK IT
A GIRL'S LIKE A FRIDGE, ONCE
A WEEK YOU SHOULD STALK IT
IF YOUR INTO RIMMIN, IT'S ONLY
SAFE IF YOUR SWIMMIN'
GIRL,
DON'T SIT ON THAT COUCH
'CAUSE I TREAT MY OBJECTS
LIKE WOMEN
I SPIT FIRE
LIKE I JUST BLEW A DEMON
MY SHIT'S SO HOT I'LL LEAVE
YOUR TOILET BOWL STEAMIN'
I'M GONNA TEAR I LIKE THE CARDS OF THE GYPSIES
YOU'LL BLEED FOR SO LONG
YOU'LL GET MONTHLY ELLIPSES
IF YOUR PANTS ARE LOOSE,
I'LL REPLETE YA
YOU'RE A FIRST TIME VEGAN,
AND IT'S NICE TO MEET YA
I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
I'M A REAL G THAT CAN REALLY
FIND YOUR G SPOT (audience clapping to beat)
OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING METRONOME
(laughter and applause)
YEAH.
GO TO A VAGINA ORCHARD,
COUNT 1, 2, 3
SPIN THAT PLANT AROUND,
YOU GOT A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
NO, THAT'S RIGHT,
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED
I'M OFFENSIVE AND CREATIVE
LIKE HANDICAPPED PORN
YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH YOUR BREASTS
EXCUSE ME,
CAN I TRY IT MA'AM?
YOUR PUSHIN' 'EM TOGETHER
LIKE A TITTY VENN DIAGRAM
LOOK AT THAT CRACK,
EXCUSE ME CAN I BUY A GRAM?
RIGHT BELOW YOUR DIAPHRAGM,
ASS LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIDIN' HAM
FIRST BASE,
WERE MAKING OUT
MOTHER FUCKER, SECOND BASE,
I'M GETTING FAKED OUT, YO
THIRD BASE,
I'M GETTING TAKE-OUT
AND I TRY TO TAKE IT HOME
IF I KNEW I'D TAKE IT OUT
BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
I SAID I JUST DON'T CARE
MY FLOW'S SO COLD I NEED
A TAMPON FROM A POLAR BEAR
AND YOU CAN SPELL
AND SMELL MY STINK
'CAUSE B.O. LINGERS
AND IT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
I'M BAD AT SEX.
GET IT?
(laughter and applause)
YEAH, WHAT?
'CAUSE GIRLS ARE LIKE DONUTS
WHEN I BE BUSTIN' BO NUTS
I CAN MAKE 'EM CREAM-FILLED
OR GIVE THEM A LAYER OF GLAZE
I'M LIKE DOUG'S FRIEND SKEETER
WHENEVER I MEET HER
(audience singing)
'CAUSE I SKEET HER SO HARD
PEOPLE CALL HER PATTY
MAYONNAISE
YEAH, THAT'S SAD.
(cheers and applause)
YEAH, WHAT, UH
YEAH, 'CAUSE THERE'S
AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN RESPECT AND SECTS
I'M TALKING ABOUT RELIGIOUS
SECTS LIKE A MORMON SECT
THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH MEMBERS
OF DIFFERENT SECTS
BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX
THE SECTS CAN'T BE DIFFERENT,
SEX CAN'T BE SAME
THE ONLY SEX LEF IS SOME LEFT-HAND SHAME
GIRL, I LEFT YOU
'CAUSE YOU LEFT THE GAME
AND IF THAT DON'T FEEL RIGH THEN YOU CAN WRITE MY NAME
'CAUSE I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
OH, GEE
(cheers and applause)
MY JUNKS SO LONG
THAT IT HANGS AND SWINGS
AT THE NUDE BEACH PEOPLE THINK
I'M LOOKIN' FOR LOST RINGS
PLAY THE SKIN FLUTE,
YOUR BIG BOY SINGS
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT ALL
WEAR AFRICAN NECK RINGS.
'CAUSE, LIKE, MAN.
(laughter)
HATERS CALL ME GAY,
BUT THAT AIN'T HATIN'
'CAUSE I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC,
MY MORALS ARE STRAIGHT
AND IF I'M IN THE CLOSE THEN YOU ARE BELOW ME
TAKIN' THE B-A- OUT OF "BASEMENT," HOMEY
SPELLS "SEMEN."
'CAUSE I'M BO, YO, AND
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
THIS SONG'S GONNA END
REALLY AWKWARDLY.
THANK YOU.
I'LL DO ONE--
THANK YOU GUYS
SO MUCH FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
AND YOU'RE THE BEST.
SEE YOU, BOSTON!
WHOA, BOSTON!
RED SOX.
(cheers and applause)
GO, MO VAUGHN.
(scattered cheers)
I LOVE YOU
LIKE KINGS LOVE QUEENS
LIKE A GAY GENETICIS LOVES DESIGNER GENES
I NEED YOU LIKE NEW ORLEANS
NEEDS A DROUGHT
LIKE HITLER'S FATHER
NEEDED TO LEARN TO PULL OUT
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE A LAWYER/MATHEMATICIAN
WANTS SOME KIND OF PROOF
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE JFK WANTED
A CAR WITH A ROOF
IS HE HERE?
BECAUSE LOVE
IS TAKING A DIVE
THEN GETTING
REALLY COMFORTABLE
AND PEEING IN THE POOL
AND LOVE IS
A REAL-LIFE PORN
MINUS ALL THE STUFF
THAT MAKES PORN COOL
AND LOVE IS A HOMELESS GUY
SEARCHING FOR TREASURE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAIN
AND FINDING
A BAG OF GOLD COINS
AND SLOWLY FINDING OUT THEY'RE
ALL FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE
AND EVEN THOUGH
HE'S HEARTBROKEN
HE CAN'T COMPLAIN 'CAUSE HE
WAS HUNGRY IN THE FIRST PLACE
I LOVE YOU
LIKE DORA LOVES MAPS
LIKE THE POPE'S TOILET LOVES
HOLY CRAPS
I NEED YOU
LIKE A VOYEUR NEEDS A BRANCH
LIKE BOYS TOSSING SALAD
NEEDS A LITTLE BI OF NEVERLAND RANCH
I WROTE IT BEFORE!
I'M FINE.
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE ALL THE GOTHIC KIDS
THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME
NEVER WANT TO CONFORM,
WHAT?
AND I WANT YOU
LIKE ANNE FRANK WANTED
NOBODY TO READ
HER FUCKING DIARY. (cheers and applause)
'CAUSE A DIARY'S A COLLECTION
OF SECRET THINGS
NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO READ
THAT'S THE WHOLE POIN OF A DIARY
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BREACHED
THIS LITTLE GIRL'S PRIVACY
AFTER SHE WAS CHASED BY NAZIS
KICK HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN
AND IF WE ME IN 10,000 BC
I WAS YOUR CAVEMAN,
YOU WAS MY CAVELADY
IF WE GOT HOT,
WE'D START A-RUBBING
IF WE GOT HUNGRY,
WE'D GO CLUBBING
THERE'S WOOLLY MAMMOTHS,
BUT I WILL PROTECT US
YOU'RE MAKING ME DEVOLVE
TO A HOMO ERECTUS
YEAH, HOMINID TREE.
AND IF WE MET IN 1780
I WAS A WHITE SOUTHERN
ARISTOCRATIC PLANTATION OWNER
AND YOU WERE MY DARK-SKINNED
SERVANT LADY SLAVE
WHENEVER I COULD GET AWAY
FROM THE MISSUS
I'D GO TO YOUR SHED,
AND THEN I'D STEAL YOU KISSES
BUT LET'S BE SERIOUS
I'D STILL WORK YOU
FULL-TIME AS A SLAVE
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ROMANTIC LANGUAGE
AND COMPLETE DISREGARD
FOR SOCIO-ECONOMIC TRENDS
SO IF WE MET IN 1941
I WAS A NAZI,
YOU'S A GYPSY ON THE RUN
THAT'S A LITTLE REDUNDANT
THAT
PROBABLY WOULDN' HAVE WORKED OUT, OKAY
YEAH, BECAUSE LOVE
IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD
FOR EVERY BREAKFAST,
LUNCH, AND DINNER
AND LOVE IS THE HOLOCAUS IF YOU DON'T DIE QUICK
AND YOU DON'T GET THINNER
AND LOVE IS BEING
THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY
THAT MAKES RAPE WHISTLES,
AND EVEN THOUGH
YOU STARTED THE COMPANY
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
TRYING TO REDUCE THE RATE
OF RAPE
NOW YOU DON'T WAN TO REDUCE IT AT ALL
'CAUSE IF THE RAPE RATE
DECLINES,
YOU'LL SEE AN EQUAL DECLINE
IN WHISTLE SALES
YEAH, WITHOUT A RAPIS WHO'S GONNA BUY YOUR WHISTLE?
BECAUSE LOVE IS
LOVE IS ALL ABOUT WHISTLES
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
(laughter)
WHEN I SAY HEY,
YOU SAY HO.
HEY.
HO!
HEY.
HO!
THAT'S BASICALLY HOW HITLER
ROSE TO POWER.
(laughter,
soft piano music plays)
MY SHOW
IS A LITTLE BIT SILLY
AND A LITTLE BI PRETENTIOUS
LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S WILLIE
OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP-ON
IT'S ALSO A LITTLE BIT GAY
AND A LITTLE BIT OFFENSIVE
LIKE THANKSGIVING DAY
OR NOAM CHOMSKY
WEARING A STRAP... ON
SO PUT YOUR CELL PHONES
TO VIBRATE
AND PUT YOUR VIBRATORS
TO CELL-PHONE MODE
AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW
IT GOES A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS--JOKE
EXACTLY,
WELCOME TO MY FLOW
IT FLOWS A LITTLE BI LIKE THIS
WITH A RAP AND A DISS
THEN A SWIFT RAP ON THE WRIS A RAP AND A KISS
LIKE HERSHEY'S WRAPPIN'
A KISS, SHIT
I GOT A SHOW
THAT'LL TEST YOUR KIDS
AND I'D ASK ONE QUESTION,
AND THE QUESTION IS
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
WHAT'S FUNNY
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, OH, YEAH
HUMOR IS OFTEN LINKED
TO SHARED EXPERIENCE
LIKE A GUY GETS UP AND SAYS
HAVE YOU NOTICED
THAT PUBLIC RESTROOMS HAVE
REALLY INEFFICIENT HAND DRYERS
OH, MY GOD,
YES, I HAVE
HA HA HA,
REALLY GOOD POINT
THEY SHOULD FIX THAT
IT'S GOOD TO KNOW
THAT SOMEBODY FINALLY GETS ME
'CAUSE MY WIFE DIVORCED ME
WHICH SUBCONSCIOUSLY FORCED ME
TO LOSE ALL SENSE OF SELF
SO IT'S NICE TO THINK
ABOUT HAND DRYERS
AND NOT THAT CHEATING WHORE
BECAUSE STAND-UP COMEDY
IS ACTUALLY PRETTY EASY
IF YOU'RE AN ASIAN COMIC
JUST GET UP AND SAY
MY MOTHER'S GO THE WEIRDEST FUCKIN' ACCENT
THEN JUST DO
A CHINESE ACCENT
'CAUSE EVERYBODY LAUGHS
AT THE CHINESE ACCENT
BECAUSE THEY PRIVATELY THOUGH YOUR PEOPLE WERE LAUGHABLE
NOW YOU'VE GIVEN THEM
THE CHANCE
TO EXPRESS THAT IN PUBLIC
OH, YEAH,
IF YOU'RE A MUSICAL COMIC
JUST GIVE 'EM A LITTLE WEIRD
VOICE INFLECTION
THEN TAKE A VIAGRA
AND SLAP 'EM
WITH A ROCK-HARD MISDIRECTION
OH, WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
TOURETTES!
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, OH
AND THE AUDIENCE SAYS,
WHEN I WAS A BABY
MAYBE I LAUGHED AT PEOPLE
JIGGLING KEYS
NOW I'M OLDER
AND BOLDER AND JUST GET MAD
'CAUSE I NOTICE THAT THE KEYS
ARE TO A HUMMER
FUCK MY LIFE,
I DON'T FUCK MY WIFE
SO FUCK MY WIFE
AND FUCK MY LIFE
AND MY SON IS GAY,
BUT NOT SITCOM GAY
DAUGHTER'S A WHORE
LIKE ANOTHER GIRL
THAT USED TO BE YOUR MOTHER
BUT THE MARRIAGE
MADE HER MISS MARY AMERICANA
I WANNA TEAM WITH
THAT SCREAMIN' PRIMA DONNA
BUT THE RADICAL FEMINISTS
MADE MY WIFE A MAN
OH, AND IF I DIE HAPPY
THE SITUATION
WILL BE AUTOEROTIC
ASPHYXIATION
I HATE MY LIFE
AND IT HATES ME BACK
AND MY FRIEND IS BLACK
BUT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO CALL HIM
SO I JUST CALL HIM
"WHAT UP, JAMAL?"
(laughter)
EVEN THOUGH HIS NAME
IS STEVE
I HATE MY JOB,
I HATE MY LIFE
HATE MY KIDS,
I HATE MY WIFE
JEWS DON'T I KNOW I DO IT,
JUDAS BEAT ME TO IT
I'M SLOWLY SLIPPING
INTO A SOLIPSISTIC COMA
AND I MASTURBATE
'CAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHOSE STANDARDS
ARE LOW ENOUGH TO FUCK ME
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, FU-FUNNY
(pops) IT'S A BOY.
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
WHAT'S FUNNY, WHAT'S FUNNY,
WHAT'S FUNNY?
FUNNY, YEAH
HOPEFULLY THIS
(plays finale)
(raspberry)
THANK YOU.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
MY EX-GIRLFRIEND
HAD A REALLY WEIRD FETISH.
SHE USED TO LIKE TO DRESS UP
AS HERSELF
AND THEN ACT LIKE
A FUCKIN' BITCH ALL THE TIME.
(laughter)
BUT YOU KNOW,
THEY SAY IF YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT A GIRL'S GONNA LOOK LIKE,
LOOK AT HER MOTHER,
YOU KNOW, SO I'M SO GLAD
I BROKE UP WITH HER,
'CAUSE SHE WOULD'VE BEEN,
YOU KNOW...
DEAD.
(laughter and groaning)
(woman)
I WANT YOUR BABY!
I'M KEEPING HIM.
GUYS, I'M A REALIST!
I'M A REALIST.
I TRY NOT TO ROMANTICIZE
REALITY.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN LIFE
GIVES YOU LEMONS,
YOU PROBABLY
JUST FOUND LEMONS.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
I DON'T DENY THE BEAUTY
IN THE WORLD
'CAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH BEAUTY,
BECAUSE LIFE
CAN BE SO SYMMETRICAL,
IT GIVES BIRTH TO THIS
ALMOST SILENT POETRY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A HERMAPHRODITE
PLAYING THE KEYTAR,
OR A YOUNG AMISH BOY TRYING TO
BLOW OUT THE LIGHT BULBS
ON HIS BIRTHDAY CAKE,
OR A GIRL--A GIRL
WHO'S TERRIBLE AT GRAMMAR
SAYING, "MAMA,
YOU RAISED ME GOOD."
AND THEN BEING PUSHED
DOWN A WELL.
SYMMETRY.
HERE'S SOME RACIAL HUMOR
FOR YOU.
WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"EH."
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS--
"WHA."
WE'RE DESTINED TO FIGHT FOREVER.
BLOOD IN THE STREETS.
(laughter)
IF I HAD A DIME--HA!
IF I HAD A DIME FOR EVERY TIME
A HOMELESS GUY
ASKED ME FOR CHANGE,
I'D STILL SAY, "NO."
(laughter)
NO. NOPE.
YO' MAMA SO FAT!
YO' MAMA SO UGLY!
YO' MAMA SO STUPID!
YOUR MOTHER'S BREASTS SAG
WITH SUCH SEVERITY
THAT THE LATE GREA SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALI
MISTOOK THEM FOR CLOCKS.
(laughter and applause)
UM, THANK YOU.
I--I BELIEVE--
I BELIEVE FIRMLY
THAT WOMEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
(cheers and applause)
I DO. I DO.
OH,
I SHOULD REPHRASE THAT.
I, UH...
DON'T.
MEN AND WOMEN
THIS SONG IS CALLED
"MEN AND WOMEN"!
MEN ARE LIKE VOWS
'CAUSE THEY'RE
EASILY BROKEN
OH, YEAH
WOMEN ARE LIKE COWS
'CAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE
VAGINAS
MEN ARE LIKE MUZZLES
BECAUSE THEY'LL
TRY TO SHUT YOU UP
OH, YEAH
WOMEN ARE LIKE PUZZLES
'CAUSE PRIOR TO 1920,
NEITHER HAD THE RIGHT TO VOTE
PUZZLES STILL DON'T
OH,
A MAN IS AN EAGLE
YEAH,
A WOMAN IS A DOVE
WOMEN CAN FAKE ORGASMS
BUT MEN CAN FAKE LOVE
(cheers and applause)
WOMEN ARE LIKE FINGERS
AND TOES
'CAUSE THEY'RE EASY
TO COUNT ON
(audience aws)
IT'S CUTE.
(laughter)
MEN ARE LIKE RAVENS
AND CROWS
'CAUSE THEY HATE
USING CONDOMS
(laughter and applause)
WHAT?
WOMEN ARE LIKE YAHTZEES,
OH, YEAH
'CAUSE I RARELY GET THEM
I DON'T.
MEN ARE LIKE NAZIS
'CAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSED
THE HOLOCAUST
IT'S TRUE.
OH, YEAH
FOR EVERY DOLLAR
THAT A MAN MAKES
A WOMAN MAKES 70 CENTS
THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE,
THAT'S NOT FAIR
THE MAN'S ONLY LEF WITH 30
MEN AND WOMEN
OH, MEN AND WOMEN,
IT'S BLACK AND WHITE
WITH AN AREA OF GRAY
FOR HERMAPHRODITE
OH, YEAH
OH, WELL, YEAH
MALE STRIPPERS
ALWAYS LOOK LIKE
THEY'RE APPLYING LOTION
AND FEMALE STRIPPERS WHEN
THEY'RE DANCING ON THE POLE
JUST LOOK LIKE
CONFUSED FIREMEN
THANKS.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU.
(man)
PICK THAT WEDGE!
(mocking laugh)
(laughter)
(audience member
wolf whistles)
I'M 19 YEARS OLD.
I'M A YOUNG COMEDIAN.
I HATE THAT TERM
"YOUNG COMEDIAN."
I PREFER "PRODIGY."
AND PEOPLE PIGEONHOLE ME,
YOU KNOW, AS A COMIC,
WHICH IS SO DISINGENUOUS.
'CAUSE I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I'M AN ARTIST.
AND I DON'T DO COMEDY SHOWS.
I DO ONE-MAN SHOWS.
I'VE BEEN DOING THEM--
1998 WAS MY FIRST ONE-MAN SHOW.
IT WAS A SHOW ABOUT JEWS
IN NAZI GERMANY
CALLED
"UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(light laughter)
NO, NO, NO, WATCH AND THEN JUDGE.
THIS IS A SCENE
FROM "UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS."
(clears throat)
HEY.
SHH!
THEN IN '99--
(laughter and applause)
'99, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE CATHOLIC ORGASM."
I'LL DO A SCENE FROM THAT.
(moans, sobs)
2000...UM...
2000, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE INAPPROPRIATE MUSICIAN."
MIKE...
MIKE, BACK OFF THE LEDGE,
MIKE.
MIKE,
THINK ABOUT YOUR KIDS.
YOU WANT THEM TO GROW UP
WITHOUT A FATHER?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, MIKE?
MIKE, PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!
I'M YOUR FRIEND! MIKE!
MIKE, NO, MIKE!
NO, MIKE!
(plays descending note)
(plays ascending note)
HE'S SAVED.
AND THEN IN, UM, 2001,
I DID JOHN STEINBECK'S
"THE GRAPES OF WRATH,"
EXCEPT I ADAPTED I INTO A STORY
ABOUT AN INTERGALACTIC SEXUAL
PREDATOR
CALLED "THE RAPES OF GRATH."
(laughter)
2002, I DID A PIECE--
IF YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH
THE PIECE "THE ELEPHANT MAN"
I DID A PIECE BASED OFF THA CALLED "BULLDOG MAN"
AND I'LL DO A MONOLOGUE
FROM THAT RIGHT NOW.
(laughter)
2000, UH...
(cheers and applause)
2000--THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
I GOT A DANZA NOMINATION
FOR THAT.
IT'S RIGHT AFTER THE TONYS.
2000--
2003 I DID A PIECE
CALLED "THE NATIVE AMERICAN
IN THE MAGIC SHOW."
HOW?
(laughter)
2004, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"SMEAGOL FROM LORD OF THE RINGS
HAVING SEX WITH A BLACK GIRL.
(imitates Gollum)
OH! PRECIOUS.
(laughter and applause)
TWO THOU...
2005, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"CHARLIE BROWN
GETTING MOLESTED."
(clears throat)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HELLO, IS ANYBODY HERE?
(imitates "Charlie Brown"
adult speech)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LET GO OF ME!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
(rhythmically imitates
"Charlie Brown" adult speech)
GOOD GRIEF!
SO, 2000, UM..
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU. YEAH.
THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
2005, 6? 5?
DOESN'T MATTER.
I'M LYING.
2000--
(laughter)
2006, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE FIGURE SKATER'S FATHER."
MY SON?
WHAT DOES HE DO?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S AN ATHLETE.
WHAT KIND OF ATHLETE?
HE'S A, UH...
HE'S A F--
HE A--
HE'S A F--
(women scream)
2000...
(laughter)
2007, I DID A PIECE CALLED
"THE JUGGLER'S WIFE."
"PLEASE STOP JUGGLING!"
2008...
I DID A DARK PIECE THAT CAUSED
A LOT OF CONTROVERSY
BECAUSE I PLAYED A SLAVE
IN THE 1780s,
BUT I DIDN'T WEAR MAKEUP,
'CAUSE AS AN ARTIST,
I FEEL I'M QUALIFIED
TO TELL ANY STORY.
AND IT WAS
A PIECE CALLED "WHIPLASHES,"
AND IT'S RAW, HARD ART,
SO IF YOU'RE AVERSE TO THAT,
YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK AWAY.
BUT THIS IS THE CLIMACTIC SCENE
FROM "WHIPLASHES."
YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER
TO GOD FOR THIS.
(imitates whip crack)
OW.
(laughter)
YOU'RE A DICK.
AND THEN, UM...
2009,
WHICH IS THE FINAL PIECE
BEFORE THE PIECE
I'M DOING CURRENTLY, UM...
I DID
A REALLY EMOTIONAL PIECE.
IT MEANS A LOT TO ME,
SO FORGIVE ME IF I BREAK DOWN,
BUT IT'S CALLED
THE "THE BOY AND HIS DOG."
IT GOES LIKE THIS.
GET OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?
GO, PLEASE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO KEEP YOU
ANYMORE, I JUST CAN'T.
JUST...DON'T MAKE THIS HARDER
THAN IT HAS TO BE.
JUST--I HATE YOU.
IS THAT WHAT YOU NEED
TO HEAR FROM ME?
I HATE YOU, OKAY?
I HATE YOU.
(voice breaks)
I HATE YOU!
AND IT'S JUST NOT ME.
MY DOG HATES MEXICANS,
TOO.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
OH, GOD.
GOTTA LOVE IRONY.
I, UM...
I BELIEVE IN THE ZODIAC.
I DO, I DO, COMPLETELY.
I'M A LEO.
I LOVE "TITANIC."
BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
A LITTLE BIT MORBIDLY IRONIC.
MY GRANDMOTHER,
SHE WAS A CANCER,
AND SHE
WAS ACTUALLY KILLED
BY A GIANT CRAB.
(laughter)
THIS IS A SONG
ABOUT THE IDEA OF IRONY.
SO STRAP IN.
(lively piano music plays)
MY DOG'S STOMACH
WAS VERY UPSET
SO I PUT HIM IN THE CAR,
AND WE WENT TO THE VET
AND ON OUR WAY TO THE VET
I KILLED A CAT
HEY,
I SAID ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
I ADOPTED A CHILD
FROM OVERSEAS
TO RESCUE HIM
FROM CHILD-LABOR FACTORIES
AND ON HIS
VERY FIRST BIRTHDAY
WE WEN TO BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C
WATER PARK
IS BURNED TO THE GROUND
AND A TOW TRUCK
HAS BROKEN DOWN
I ALWAYS USED TO CRY
WHEN I LAUGHED
AND THEN I WAS RAPED
BY A CLOWN
(laughter)
ISN'T--
I WAS WATCHING AL GORE
ON CNN
HE WAS TALKING AND TALKING
AND TALKING AND THEN
OUT OF BOREDOM MY PE POLAR BEAR SHOT HIMSELF
ISN'T THAT IRONIC?
I DATED
AN ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST
AND ONE DAY
SHE GOT REALLY PISSED
BECAUSE I WAS EATING VEAL
THAT WAS WRAPPED IN PITA BREAD
PETA? FUCK IT.
(laughter)
ISN'T THAT I-R-O-N-I-C
I-N-O-R-I-R-O-N-I-C?
YEAH,
I'M A STAND-UP COMIC
AND I ALWAYS SI AND SLOUCH
AND I GO MY GIRLFRIEND PREGNANT
ON MY STERILE UNCLE'S
PULL-OUT COUCH
(chuckles)
ISN'T IT IRONIC?
I-R-O-N-I-C
YEAH, IF EVERY DAY YOU PLAY
THE BOARD GAME RISK
YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER TAKEN
A RISK IN YOUR LIFE
AND MONOPOLY
HAS FAR FROM A STRANGLEHOLD
ON THE BOARD GAME MARKET
A LITTLE KID DIED
FROM SUFFOCATION
WHEN HE CHOKED ON A GAME PIECE
FROM OPERATION
AND I CAN'T GROW A BEARD
THAT ONE'S NOT IRONIC
THAT ONE'S JUST SAD
(laughter)
YEAH, BOB BARKER
GOT ALL OF MY PETS PREGNANT
(laughter)
MY GRANDFATHER
HAD ALZHEIMER'S
AND ONE DAY, WE WERE
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
(man)
TAKE IT OFF, BIG BOY!
THANK YOU,
IT'S A MEDIUM.
UM...
(laughter)
WE LIVE IN A BINARY REALITY.
WE DO.
IT'S A WORLD OF BLACK
AND WHITE.
THERE'S ONLY TWO TYPES
OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD,
YOU KNOW,
THOSE WHO CAN FINISH LISTS...
WHAT IS ART?
WHAT IS ART?
IS ART SOMETHING GAY PEOPLE DO
TO GET BACK AT THEIR FATHERS?
COULD BE.
WHAT IS AN ARTIST?
WHAT MAKES A GREAT ARTIST,
GREAT ARTISTS LIKE MYSELF,
LIKE THE GREAT DIRECTOR
MICHAEL BAY.
LIKE THE GREAT IRISH ACTOR,
SHAQUILLE O'NEAL.
WE ASK QUESTIONS, YOU KNOW?
QUESTIONS NOBODY ELSE
DARES TO ASK.
QUESTIONS LIKE...
WHERE ARE ALL
THE SOUR PATCH PARENTS?
QUESTIONS LIKE
IF MICKEY'S A MOUSE
AND MINNIE'S A MOUSE,
AND DONALD'S A DUCK,
AND DAISY AND GOOFY,
IF THEY'RE ALL ANIMALS,
AND THEY CAN TALK,
WHY IS PLUTO JUST A FUCKIN' DOG?
WHY--DID THEY JUST FORGET TO
ANTHROPOMORPHIZE HIM, OR WORSE,
IS MICKEY KEEPING A MENTALLY
HANDICAPPED DUDE AS PET?
I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
HOW DOES IT FIT INTO
THAT UNIVERSE, THAT PARADIGM?
GOOFY'S A DOG. HE'S TALKING.
THIS ONE, CRAWLING AROUND.
(laughter)
GUYS, I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I WOULD NEVER BASH DISNEY.
I THINK DISNEY TEACHES
YOUNG KIDS
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
THE PRINCESS FAIRY TALES
TEACH YOUNG GIRLS
SUCH IMPORTANT LESSONS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE CINDERELLA,
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHERE YOU COME FROM
OR HOW POOR YOU ARE AS LONG
AS YOU'RE INCREDIBLY HOT.
(laughter)
SNOW WHITE, YOU KNOW, WHICH
ENCOURAGES CHILDREN TO,
YOU KNOW,
GIVE MIDGETS NICKNAMES.
SLEEPING BEAUTY,
YOU KNOW,
WHICH ENCOURAGES, UH...
DATE RAPE.
MAYBE NOT--
MAYBE NOT THAT ONE.
I WAS DOING A SHOW RECENTLY
ON THE BORDER
OF HANNAH, MONTANA,
AND SOUTH DAKOTA FANNING.
AND A GUY CAME UP TO ME
AFTER THE SHOW,
AND SAID, "BO, WHY DON' YOU EVER TELL STORIES
ABOUT PEOPLE COMING UP TO YOU
AFTER THE SHOW?"
AND I SAID,
"'CAUSE THEY'RE NEVER FUNNY."
(light laughter)
(man)
I WOULD FUCK YOU.
(mocking laugh)
THIS IS A LISTENING SHOW.
(laughter)
UM...
(light applause)
YEAH.
BE QUIET, AMERICA DOESN' WANT TO HEAR YOU CLAP.
DO IT, THOUGH,
WHEN I NEED IT.
(scattered clapping)
WHEN I NEED IT!
(laughter)
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
A BLACK GIRLFRIEND,
NOT AS JOKE,
JUST 'CAUSE LIKE,
THEN WHEN WE 69,
I CAN CALL IT "YIN YANGING."
(audience groans, applause)
GUYS, SEE--
EASY, LOOK,
IT'S 21st-CENTURY RACISM.
IT'S RACISM
IN LIGHT OF ITSELF.
THE ONLY REASON I'M MAKING THESE
CLAIMS IS BECAUSE THE STIGMAS
ABOUT RACE ARE ALREADY THERE
AND I'M JUST PLAYING OFF THAT.
'CAUSE I THINK RACISM ITSELF
IS SO RIDICULOUS,
AND THEY UNDERSTAND THAT,
SO IF AFTER THE SHOW,
YOU SEE A BLACK GUY
BEATING ME UP,
HE'S DOING IT IRONICALLY.
OKAY?
(audience members shouting)
(laughter)
(woman)
I'LL SLEEP WITH YOU!
(laughter)
(woman) WE ALL WILL!
(audience members shouting)
YA DONE?
(laughter)
OF COURSE ALL THE WOMEN THA SAID THAT WERE IN THE DARK.
I, UM...
(laughter)
NO, I BET YOU'RE GORGEOUS
IN THE DARK.
UM...
OKAY.
(slow piano music plays)
(tempo increases)
I'M A FEMININE EMINEM
A SLIM SHADY LADY BUT NICE
'CAUSE I TEXTED HAITI
90 LADY COPS IN THE ROAD
AND I'M ARRESTED
FOR DOIN' 80
LIKE HAMLET, I'M ABOUT WORDS,
WORDS, WORDS
DIVIDE A WHOLE INTO THIRDS,
THIRDS, THIRDS
I'M A GAY SEA OTTER
I BLOW OTHER DUDES
OUT OF THE WATER
I'M THE MAN-MUFFIN
DIVIN' MUFFIN,
COLD AND FLY
LIKE AN ARCTIC PUFFIN'
PUFFIN' WACKY-TOBACCY
HATIN' OTHER RAPPERS
LIKE I'M HUGGIN' PATAKI
AND I'VE BEEN ROCKIN' THIS MIC
BEFORE ELECTRICITY
WAY BACK IN 1,000 B.C.E.
THAT'S BEFORE
THE COMIN' ERA--
(imitates record scratching)
OH, GOD, CAN'T BE STOPPED
FLOW SO SICK
THAT IT SHOULD BE MOPPED UP
CHICK'S GOT A DIXIE CUP
I GOT A DICK FULL OF HELIUM,
I'LL FUCK YOU UP
A BOY, A GIRL,
A MIDDLE-AGED BITCH
BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON
I GAVE THE PERSPECTIVE
A SWITCH AND
BOTOX IN THE THIRD PERSON
OH, JUST RELAX
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ME
HERE'S TWO FACTS
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
(laughter)
SAID I HATE
CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
YEAH!
MET A GIRL NAMED MACY
I HAD SEX WITH HER
ALL DAY
BUT SHE WAS DYSLEXIC
SO I ENDED UP
DOING THE YMCA
WE BALL IN ASIAN
WE BOWL IN PROSTATE CANCER
SEMICOLON
FIND THAT HOLE
LIKE I'M STEPHEN HAWKING
ATTICUS FINCH,
KILLING, MOCKING
CRY LIKE A CHILD WOULD
YOU RAPED MY CHILDHOOD
JUST STROLLIN',
ROLLIN' YOUR POLE IN
TO ROLY-POLLY
OLLY'S COLON
TO RELAX THE MIND
I TAKE A WALK BY THE CLOCK,
AND I PASS THE TIME
AND RHYMIN'
MATHEMATICAL TIMING
SYNTAX IMPACTS
THE INTACT TIMIN'
I'M AN INTERNET PROVIDER
CAME FROM THE WEB
LIKE A HORNY SPIDER
KISSED A GIRL
IN AN APPLE ORCHARD
THEN SLIPPED IN CIDER
("inside her")
I THOUGHT AIDS
WAS A BUTT VIRUS
LIKE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION
CONJUNCTIVITIS
I SPIT GOLD BARS 'CAUSE I WAS
MOLESTED BY MY UNCLE MIDAS
GAY DADS BLOW POPS,
ANOTHER SUCKER
OEDIPUS
WAS THE FIRST MOTHER FUCKER
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
WE THE PEOPLE OF USA
JOSE, WE'RE NOT TALKING
TO YOU, ESSE
WE GOT A BORDER IN ORDER
TO KEEP YOU OUT
IT'S WHAT MY NYU ESSAY
IS ABOUT
'CAUSE WE'RE SOUTH OF HEAVEN,
NORTH OF HELL
BUY, BUY, BUY, BUY,
BUY, BUY, SELL
WE GUARD THE BORDER
AND WE GUARD IT WELL
BUT SOME SLIP THROUGH THE
CRACKS OF THE LIBERTY BELL
DID I SAY LIBERTY?
I MEANT TACO, PACO
HEY, YOU BETTER
LET THAT ROCK GO
'CAUSE IN REAL LIFE,
GOLIATH WINS
SELLS ALL THE SILK
THAT THE WIDOW SPINS
YEAH, ONE MORE TIME
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HYPOCRITE
SAID A HUNGRY,
HUNGRY HYPOCRITE
I HATE CATCHY CHORUSES
AND I'M A HY-Y-POCRITE
YEAH.
BITCHES AND HOES,
BO'S HOES
YEAH,
BITCHES AND HOES
YEAH, I SAID BITCHES,
HOES
BITCHES AND HOES
DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'S A FEMINIST
BITCHES AND HOES
DON'T EXIST
BECAUSE THE HOES KNOW
BO'S A FEMINIST
SO TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM
TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
OH, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM
TAKE YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM (cheers and applause)
YOU CAN LET ME BURN 'EM
TAKE OFF YOUR BRAS
AND BURN 'EM
BURN 'EM, YOU CAN LE BO BURNHAM BURN 'EM
(cheers and applause)
WHAT THE FUCK?
(laughter)
LET US PRAY.
DON'T FEEL LIKE
YOU CAN'T PARTICIPATE,
BY THE WAY,
IF YOU'RE NOT CHRISTIAN,
'CAUSE THIS IS A PRAYER
FOR ALL FAITHS, SO...
DEAR JESUS OF NAZARETH...
(laughter)
FIRST OF ALL,
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU
FOR CALLING YOURSELF
JESUS OF NAZARETH.
IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE LORD
OF THE RINGS OR SOMETHING.
"I AM JESUS OF NAZARETH,
SON OF ORFLEK, THE BUTCHER."
WE KNOW, LORD, THAT YOU SO
LOVED THE WORLD FROM JOHN 3:16,
YOU SO LOVED THE WORLD
THAT YOU SENT YOUR ONLY SON
TO DIE FOR US, YOUR ONLY SON,
BUT AT THE SAME TIME,
WE'RE ALL YOUR CHILDREN,
SO IN YOUR EYES,
WE'RE A BUNCH OF GIRLS.
(laughter)
SO HELP US AS WE STRUGGLE
WITH THE TEMPTATIONS
OF LESBIANISM, AMEN.
I, UH...
PEOPLE COME TO ME ALL THE TIME--
ALL THE TIME,
THEY SAY THE SAME THING,
YOU KNOW,
"BO, YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
HOW DO WE FIX AFRICA?"
(laughter)
I READ RECENTLY THAT THERE ARE
OVER 22 MILLION PEOPLE
LIVING WITH HIV AIDS
IN SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA.
YEAH.
IT WAS A SNAPPLE FACT.
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
HOW DO WE FIX IT?
THIS.
BECAUSE LAUGHTER...
LAUGHTER
IS THE BEST MEDICINE,
YOU KNOW,
BESIDES MEDICINE.
YOU GUYS LIKE IMPRESSIONS?
(cheers and applause)
(clears throat)
WHY?
THAT WAS SOCRATES.
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING--
LOT OF LAUGHING.
GREAT FOR A COMEDY SHOW.
HEY, BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.
MA'AM.
FIFTH WALL--MA'AM AT HOME.
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF--
WE'VE DONE A LOT OF LAUGHING.
BUT WE HAVEN'T DONE A LO OF THINKING.
AND I'D LIKE TO DO THAT NOW,
AND WHAT BETTER
TO STOP COMIC INERTIA THAN
A LITTLE BIT OF POETIC FRICTION?
I'VE WRITTEN SOME HAIKUS.
HAIKUS ARE JAPANESE POEMS
CONSISTING OF 17 SYLLABLES,
3 LINES, 5, 7, 5.
I FIND THEM TO HAVE A CERTAIN
CLEARNESS IN THEIR COGENCY,
SORT OF A SOUNDNESS IN THEIR
SIMPLICITY, IF YOU WILL.
SO WHAT WE'LL DO NOW HOPEFULLY
IS READ THESE HAIKUS,
THINK FOR A LITTLE BIT,
AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK
TO THE JOKES AND THE LAUGHING
AND WE'LL HAVE BENEFITED
FROM THE TIME WE TOOK TO THINK.
SO IF COULD JUST,
YOU KNOW,
PUT UP WITH THESE,
THINK FOR A BIT, HOPEFULLY,
AND THEN WE'LL GO BACK
TO THE JOKES,
BUT THESE ARE MY HAIKUS.
I SAW A RAINBOW
ON THE DAY MY GRANDMA DIED.
FUCKING LESBIAN.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
FOR 15 CENTS A DAY,
YOU CAN FEED AN AFRICAN.
THEY EAT PENNIES.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
OLD PEOPLE'S SKIN SAGS
BECAUSE IT IS BEING
PULLED TOWARDS THE UNDERWORLD.
(triangle dings, laughter)
MISSED THAT.
A KID INSULTED MY MOTHER
SO I SAID,
"YOUR MAMA IS SO BLACK!"
(triangle dings,
laughter)
"DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD
HAVE THEM DO TO YOU."
SAID THE RAPIST.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
MY AUNT USED TO SAY,
"SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE."
SHE DIED IN A FIRE.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
THOSE IN GLASS HOUSES
SHOULDN'T THROW STONES
OR MASTURBATE
IN THE DAYTIME.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
IT'S TRUE.
EVEN IF HE IS YOUR FRIEND,
NEVER, EVER CALL
AN ASIAN PERSON.
(triangle dings,
laughter)
AND FINALLY...
BONO, IF YOU WANNA HELP
POOR PEOPLE,
SELL YOUR TINTED SHADES,
YOU CUNT.
(triangle dings,
cheers and applause)
THANK YOU,
THIS NEXT PIECE--
THIS NEXT PIECE IS CALLED
"SONNET 155"
OR "IF SHAKESPEARE
HAD WRITTEN A PORN."
AND IT GOES LIKE THIS.
I SAW THE MORNING DEW
BETWIXT THINE THIGHS
AS I REMOVED MY SOURCE
OF GRECIAN POWER.
AS IF KING MIDAS
DARED TO TOUCH THE SKIES,
UPON THY BODY FELL
A GOLDEN SHOWER.
(audience groans)
THY BODY'S TEMPLE'S
TWO CHURCH BELLS HAD RUNG.
UPON THY CHEST,
A ROLL OF PEARLS BESTOWED.
THE SUN HAD SET,
THY SET WITH WEARY HUNG.
I THOUGHT, HOW BLACK A NIGHT,
AND BLEW A LOAD.
(audience groans)
I SAID WHAT LIGHT THROUGH YONDER
BEAVER BREAKS?
IT IS THE YEAST.
(audience groans,
scattered cheering)
AND NOW MY BELLY'S YELLOW.
MY POLE GIVES CAUSE
TO STORMS AND EARTHY QUAKES,
BUT 'TIS NOT MASSIVE,
I AM NO OTHELLO.
AND WHEN THAT FINAL MOMEN CAME TO PASS,
LIKE CHRIST,
I CAME A-RIDING ON AN ASS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(cheers and applause)
THANK YOU,
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE...
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
WAS A VERBAL CONTORTIONIST.
HE CAN BEND HIS WORDS
THE WAY A CONTORTIONIS BENDS HIS FRAME,
AND I WOULD HOPE THAT HE COULD
WITH A NAME
LIKE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE--
SOME OF YOU SEEM LOST.
LOOK, SAY YOUR NAME
WAS ROBERT FROST,
AND YOU COULDN'T WRITE,
THAT WOULD SUCK.
WELL, I GUESS YOU COULD ALWAYS
GO AS BOBBY FROS AND OWN AN ICE CREAM TRUCK.
HE WAS BALANCED LIKE A SIMILE
AND COULD STACK METAPHOR FIVE,
SIX AT A TIME AND RHYME
INTO THE VERY LAST LINE
OF A SOLILOQUY
WHICH FINALLY SAID OUTRIGH WHAT THE PREVIOUS 77
WE'RE ONLY HINTING AT.
HE HAD PUNS AND QUIPS
AND TONS OF TRIPS
WITH SONS WITH SHIPS,
WITH NUNS WITH HIPS
AND BUNS AND LIPS,
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING
THAT SHAKESPEARE NEVER HAD.
PENICILLIN.
(laughter)
SEE, IT HADN'T BEEN
INVENTED YET.
BACK THEN, THEY ONLY HAD
QUILLICILLIN, HEY-OH!
SORRY, IT'S NOT THAT HARD,
BARD.
I'M SORRY, I GOT A BONE
TO PICK WITH YOU, WILLIAM.
SO IF YOU COULD JUS LISTEN UP HERE
AND LISTEN TO THIS THEATER
QUEER'S THEATER QUERY HERE
AND MAYBE ACT LIKE A REAL ARTIS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.
SAY VAN GOGH AND,
"LEND ME YOUR EAR."
YOU'RE NOT A WRITER.
YOU'RE A WRITER LIKE
HULK HOGAN'S A STREET FIGHTER.
YOU WRITE THESE DRAMAS,
YOU ACCUMULATE YOUR WEALTH,
YOU HOLD NATURE
AS T'WERE MIRROR OF YOURSELF.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE MESSED UP
DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE, TOO.
JUST 'CAUSE YOU WANNA BANG
YOUR MOM
DOESN'T MEAN
THAT DANISH PRINCES DO.
WHAT? WHO? HAMLET, SHAKESPEARE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE YOUNG PRINCE
WHOSE FATHER DIED
AT THE HANDS OF HIS UNCLE
WITH WHOM HIS MOTHER LIED.
SOUND FAMILIAR?
IT'S THE FUCKING "LION KING"!
(laughter and applause)
YOU STOLE FROM A DISNEY MOVIE,
YOU ANDROGYNOUS DOUCHE.
WHAT'S NEXT,
THE STORY OF A FRENCH KING
ON A QUES TO FIND HIS LOST SON NEMO?
(laughter)
OH, AND BY THE WAY, POETIC
TALENT IS REALLY EASY TO FAKE
WHEN THY SENTENCES
DOTH NO FUCKING SENSE MAKE.
(laughter)
"TO BE OR NOT TO BE?"
THAT IS THE QUESTION.
WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER
IN THE MIND TO SUFFER
THE SLINGS AND ARROWS
OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE,
OR TO TAKE ARMS AGAINS A SEA OF TROUBLES,
AND BY OPPOSING END THEM,
TO DIE...
TO SLEEP NO MORE,
AND BY A SLEEP,
TO SAY WE END THE HEARTACHE
AND THE THOUSAND NATURAL SHOCKS
THAT FLESH IS HEIR TO.
'TIS A CONSUMMATION DEVOUTLY
TO BE WISH'D.
TO DIE, TO SLEEP,
TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.
AYE, THERE'S THE RUB,
FOR IN THAT SLEEP OF DEATH,
WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
WHEN WE HAVE SHUFFLED OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL?
MUST GIVE US PAUSE.
(scoffs)
LIKE, WHAT?
(laughter)
THIS NEXT SONG
IS ABOUT QUANTUM MECHANICS.
THIS NEXT SONG--
(laughter)
I WAS RAISED VERY WELL,
YOU KNOW, LIKE A FIELD OF CORN.
I WAS ALSO RAISED
VERY CHRISTIAN,
LIKE THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN.
AND CHRISTIANS GET ANGRY AT ME,
THEY DO,
BECAUSE I SAY THINGS LIKE,
"WHY THE LONG NOSE,
POPE-NOCCHIO?"
THEY THINK
I'LL GONNA GO TO HELL.
TRUTH IS,
I'VE BEEN TO CHRISTIAN HELL,
AND I WROTE A SONG ABOUT IT.
HITLER WAS THERE,
AND SO WERE ALL THE JEWS
YEAH, SO IT GO A LITTLE AWKWARD
(laughter)
I WAS SURROUNDED BY CATHOLICISM
AT A YOUNG AGE
AND I WAS ALSO IN A GARAGE BAND
FOR 20 MINUTES.
THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THAT.
HIT IT.
(electronic music plays)
(laughter)
(violin riff plays)
(cheers and applause)
ALL THE SEATS
AT THE SUNDAY MASS IS
FILLED WITH THE MASSES'
MASS OF ASSES
CLASSES PASS AS FAS AS MOLASSES
CEREMONIAL READING GLASSES
READ A LITTLE BI OF LEVITICUS
ALL THE KIDS ARE A LITTLE
TOO LITTLE FOR THIS
ALL THE PARENTS NOD
IN AGREEMENT
"I THINK I CAN VAGUELY
SEE WHAT HE MEANT"
IT'S TOO EARLY
IN THE MORNING GLORY
TO READ ANOTHER
ALLEGORY STORY
THE FATHER
READS A LITTLE BIT FARTHER
ASSURING THE ASSURED
THAT THEY NEED NOT BOTHER
WHEN GOD, IN VERSE 45
SAID THAT SLAVES
ARE OKAY TO BUY
HE MEANT THAT PEOPLE
ALL FROM THE START
EACH HAVE SLAVES
WITHIN THEIR HEARTS
THINGS THAT WE HAVE SOLD
OR BOUGHT
AND THEN ARE FORCED TO PICK
OUR MORAL COTTON
GOD CALLS US
TO SET THESE FREE
FREE OUR HEARTS
FROM SLAVERY
AND THEN AS GOD GOES ON
TO EXPLAIN
THE LOGISTICS OF BUYING
AND SELLING SLAVES
(music stops)
HE WAS MESSIN' AROUND.
HE'S--HE--
JESUS IS SORT OF LIKE--
(music continues)
IN THE BACK,
I SIT AND I NOD
TO THE BEATS THA ARE BUMPIN' FROM MY iPOD
MY GOD,
THEY'RE STARTING TO PRAY
AND OVER THE MUSIC,
I CAN HEAR THEM SAY
DEAR GOD, DEAR LORD
DEAR VAGUE MUSCULAR MAN
WITH A BEARD OR A SWORD
DEAR GOOD ALL-SEEING BEING
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY
YAHWEH
THE BLUE-BALLED
ANTI-MASTURBATOR
THE GREAT ALL-LOVING
FAGGOT HATER
I LIKE TO THANK
YOUR HOLY MIGHT
FOR MAKING ME BOTH RICH
AND WHITE
AND THOUGH THIS IS YOUR DAY
OF REST
I COME TO YOU
WITH ONE REQUEST
THERE'S SO MUCH PAIN
BEYOND THIS STEEPLE
WARS AND DRUGS
AND HOMELESS PEOPLE
SADNESS
WHERE THERE SHOULD BE JOY
HATE AND RAPE
AND SOULJA BOY
A WORLD IN DARKNESS
NEEDS YOUR LIGHT
SO I'M SURE YOUR SCHEDULE'S
PRETTY TIGHT
BUT MY DOG
JUST HAD LEG SURGERY.
IF YOU COULD FIX THAT FIRST?
JESUS?
DEBRA MESSING'S FINGERS
IN A HOLY PLACE
HAIL MARY
FULL OF GRACE
OBAMA, COULD YOU PASS
SOME HOPE TO THE POPE?
I KNOW A COUPLE DUDES
WHO WANT TO ELOPE
SEE, THE CHURCH SAID NOPE,
SO THE BROS CAN'T COPE
BROS CAN GROPE,
BUT THE BROS CAN'T COPE
THEY'VE BEEN IN LOVE
AND THEY'VE BEEN ADDICTED
WHO SAID THEY SHOULDN'T?
BENEDICT DID
'CAUSE IN THE HOLY LAND
OF THE LORD
HE'S THE HOLY LANDLORD
AND DICKS ARE EVICTED
'CAUSE YOU CAN BE A BENEDICT
IF YOU BEND A DICK
UNDER BENEDICT
BUT YOU CAN' HAVE BENEDICTS
BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE POPE
WITH ONLY ONE DICK, WHAT?
YEAH,
A DICK ON A POPE IS
JUST LIKE A SOAP ON ROPE
'CAUSE IT'S POINTLESS
UNLESS IN PRISON
THROW UP YOUR BIBLES,
CHRIST HAS RISEN
HALLELUJAH,
NOW IT'S RAINING MEN
BECAUSE THE GENDER RATIO'S
ONE-TO-TEN
WINOS A THE EUCHARIST STATION
TRANSGENDERED
SUBSTANTIATION
JESUS WASN'T THE MESSIAH,
GET BACK
I'M A HERETIC,
AND I'M ON FIRE
IT WAS OEDIPUS,
THOSE HOLY KNIGHTS
THE HOLY MOTHER FUCKIN'
CHRIST
I'M A BLASPHEMER POST-KATRINA
CRUISIN' THE MARINA
ON A CRUSADE TO CRUISE AIDS
AND BLAST FEMA
YOU'RE TOO LATE, WE'RE FUCKED,
WE DON'T NEED YOU, AMEN
IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
SON, AND HOLY GHOST
HEAD, SHOULDERS,
KNEES AND TOES
TURN UP YOUR NOSE,
STRIKE THAT POSE
HEY MACARENA
(record scratch,
cheers and applause)
I WANTED TO BE A PHYSICIS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
AND I ALSO WANTED TO BE
A COMEDIAN,
BUT ONLY ONE OF THOSE
SORT OF WORKED OUT.
I'D LIKE TO TRY TO DO BOTH,
THOUGH NOW
IN A BIT THAT I CALL
"THEORETICAL DICK JOKES."
GOES LIKE THIS.
(laughter)
MY PENIS IS SO SMALL
I OFTEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING I BECAUSE IT'S SO GRATEFULLY
INFLUENCED BY
QUANTUM MECHANICAL FLUCTUATIONS
IN THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME.
AND WHEN I'M HAVING INTERCOURSE
WITH A WOMAN,
SHE CAN ONLY KNOW WHERE MY PENIS
IS OR HOW FAST IT'S MOVING
'CAUSE IT'S SMALL ENOUGH
AND LIGHT ENOUGH TO BE FULLY
GOVERNED BY THE HEISENBERG
UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE.
I'VE GOT AN EATING DISORDER.
YEAH, MORE LIKE
NUTRITIONAL ENTROPY.
SO...
(light laughter)
NEVER SAID I WAS FUNNY, OKAY?
SO STOP STARING AT ME.
SEGUES ARE WEIRD.
HOW OLD IS TOO OLD
TO STOP BELIEVING IN, LIKE,
THE TOOTH FAIRY,
LIKE, 12?
I HAVE A COUSIN
WHO IS 18, YEAH.
STILL BELIEVES
IN GAY MARRIAGE.
IT'S LIKE...
(laughter)
I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE THINKING--
"OH, BO, YOU TACKLE
SUCH TABOO SUBJECTS.
YOU KNOW,
"IS THERE ANYTHING OFF-LIMITS,
"ANYTHING
YOU DON'T FIND FUNNY,
ANYTHING YOU THINK
IS TOO SACRED TO LAUGH AT?"
AND THE TRUTH IS,
THERE IS.
WHITE PEOPLE.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
I THINK WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH ENOUGH.
(laughter)
I FIND NUMBERS
TO BE FASCINATING
AND MORE SPECIFICALLY
THAN NUMBERS, I FIND STATISTICS
TO BE PARTICULARLY ENLIGHTENING,
THOUGHT-PROVOKING EVEN.
I'VE GATHERED SOME HERE.
THESE ARE ALL 100% TRUE.
WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS THEATER AND
ENTER THE WORLD DEVOID OF ART,
YOU CAN CHECK THESE,
AND THEY WILL COME BACK
'CAUSE THEY ARE TRUE.
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO BLOW YOUR MIND,
BUT MAYBE YOU'LL HEAR
ONE OF THESE AND GO,
"OH, MY GOD,
NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT."
SO THESE ARE MY STATISTICS.
(clears throat)
(light laughter)
APPROXIMATELY 33.33%
OF THE JONAS BROTHERS
HAVE DIABETES.
(laughter)
ONE OUT OF EVERY FOUR KIDS
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.D.
ACTUALLY HAS IT,
AND FOUR OUT OF FOUR KIDS
WITH THE INITIALS A.D.H.D.
HAVE AN ANNOYING,
SELF-RIGHTEOUS MOTHER WHO
WOULDN'T JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND TAKE HER HUSBAND'S
LAST NAME.
HERE'S A FUN ONE.
ONE OF THE EVERY 44
U.S. PRESIDENTS CAN DUNK.
IT'S MILLARD FILLMORE,
YOU RACISTS.
THE AVERAGE CHILD OF SARAH PALIN
HAS 46.2 CHROMOSOMES.
(audience groans)
IT'S A FACT!
I'M NOT MAKING LIGHT OF IT.
IT'S NUMBERS.
(laughter)
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE OFFENDED
BY THAT ONE,
YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE
OFFENDED BY THE NEXT ONE.
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
SOMETHING--
I AM, TOO.
I THINK THIS IS FUCKED UP.
.27% OF ALL JENGA GAMES
ARE PLAYED ON 9/11.
NOW--
(audience groans)
IT'S FUCKED UP!
STOP PLAYING JENGA ON 9/11.
STOP IT. STOP IT.
STOP PLAYING JENGA...
(laughter)
THAT WAS AWKWARD.
THIS NEXT ONE BLEW MY MIND.
BLEW MY MIND.
AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE THIS WHEN YOU HEAR IT.
BUT GO HOME, CHECK IT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IT'S TRUE.
THE AVERAGE PERSON...
HAS ONE FALLOPIAN TUBE.
(laughter)
THE AVERAGE PENIS LENGTH
IS 5 1/2 INCHES.
AND FINALLY, THE AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH OF A MAN
WHO GOOGLES "AVERAGE
PENIS LENGTH" IS 3 1/2 INCHES.
THANK YOU.
(cheers and applause)
YEAH, BO!
YEAH, BO!
(audience members shouting)
YEAH.
THANK YOU.
I WENT TO THE MOVIES THE OTHER
DAY BECAUSE I WENT TO SEE
THE 20th ANNIVERSARY
OF "SCHINDLER'S LIST" IN 3-D.
(rimshot)
AND I WENT INTO THE GIRLS'
BATHROOM TO LOOK FOR MY CAMERA.
(rimshot)
AND I SAW A CONTAINER THA SAID "SANITARY NAPKINS ONLY."
LADIES...
(drumroll)
DON'T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS
IN ONE BASKET!
THAT'S A JOKE!
(laughter and applause)
(laughter)
THIS SONG--
THIS SONG ISN'T FUNNY AT ALL,
BUT IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ART IS DEAD
ENTERTAINERS
LIKE TO SEEM COMPLICATED
BUT WE'RE NOT COMPLICATED
I CAN EXPLAIN I PRETTY EASILY
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR CHILDREN
AND ONE OF THE CHILDREN
WON'T STOP SCREAMING
'CAUSE HE'S JUST A LITTLE
ATTENTION-ATTRACTOR
WHEN HE GROWS UP
TO BE A COMIC OR ACTOR
HE'LL BE REWARDED
FOR NEVER MATURING
FOR NEVER UNDERSTANDING
OR LEARNING
THAT EVERY DAY
CAN'T BE ABOUT HIM
THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE,
YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE
I MUST BE PSYCHOTIC,
I MUST BE DEMENTED
TO THINK THAT I'M WORTHY
OF ALL THIS ATTENTION
OF ALL OF THIS MONEY
YOU WORKED REALLY HARD FOR
I SLEPT IN LATE WHILE
YOU WORKED AT THE DRUGSTORE
MY DRUG'S ATTENTION,
I AM AN ADDICT
BUT I GET PAID
TO INDULGE IN MY HABIT
IT'S ALL AN ILLUSION,
I'M WEARING MAKE-UP
I'M WEARING MAKE-UP,
MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP, MAKE-UP
ART IS DEAD
SO PEOPLE
THINK YOU'RE FUNNY
HOW DO WE GE THOSE PEOPLE'S MONEY?
I SAID ART IS DEAD
WE'RE ROLLING IN DOUGH WHILE
CARLIN ROLLS IN HIS GRAVE
HIS GRAVE
HIS GRAVE
I SAID THE SHOW HAS GO A BUDGET
THE SHOW HAS GOT A BUDGET
AND ALL THE POOR PEOPLE
WAY MORE DESERVING
OF THE MONEY
WON'T BUDGE IT
'CAUSE I WANTED
MY NAME IN LIGHTS
WHEN I COULD HAVE FED
A FAMILY OF FOUR
FOR 40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS
40 FUCKING FORTNIGHTS
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, GOD, FORGIVE ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'T REVERE ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
PLEASE, DON'T RESPECT ME
I AM AN ARTIST,
FEEL FREE TO CORRECT ME
A SELF-CENTERED ARTIST,
SELF-OBSESSED ARTIST
I AM AN ARTIST,
I AM AN ARTIST
BUT I'M JUST A KID,
I'M JUST A KID
I'M JUST A KID, KID,
AND MAYBE I'LL GROW OUT OF IT
(cheers and applause)
OLD COMICS--
OLDER COMICS FROM, LIKE,
THE '80s AND THE '70s,
THEY THINK THAT MY ACT IS HACKY
BECAUSE IT RELIES
ON MUSIC AND OTHER THINGS,
AND THEY'RE SUCH
COMEDY PURISTS,
AND THEY DON'T THINK MY COMEDY
CAN STAND ON ITS OWN,
WHICH ISN'T TRUE BECAUSE,
RIGHT,
I AM A COMEDY PURIS AT HEART,
AND I CAN DO COMEDY
WITHOUT THE GIMMICKS.
AND IT CAN STILL BE GOOD.
I'LL SHOW YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A KID
WITH NO ARMS AND AN EYE PATCH?
NAMES.
(laughter and applause)
I'M NOT A TRADITIONAL STAND-UP,
UM, BUT I'D LIKE TO BE.
I LOVE TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP COMEDY,
AND A LOT OF MY HEROES
ARE TRADITIONAL STAND-UP COMICS,
AND I'VE BEEN WATCHING
A LOT OF IT,
AND I THINK I'VE SORT OF
FIGURED OUT THE TRICK TO IT.
SO I'LL GIVE YOU MY TRADITIONAL
STAND-UP ACT NOW.
IT'S IN ITS INFANCY
SO PLEASE BE GENTLE.
UH...
MY WIFE, RIGHT?
(laughter)
WE NEVER HAVE SEX, LIKE, EVER,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
SOMETHING ELSE IS I NEVER KNOW
WHAT SHE'S SAYING.
YOU KNOW, SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING,
AND I'LL BE, LIKE...
SOMETHING ELSE IS, SHE'S, LIKE,
CONSTANTLY EMASCULATING ME,
AND I'M MAKING HER RESEN HERSELF FOR GETTING OLDER,
SO WE'RE LOOKING INTO A DIVORCE,
WHICH IS FUNNY.
SOMETHING ELSE
IS SHE CAN'T DRIVE.
THE ONLY THING SHE CAN DRIVE
IS DRIVE ME CRAZY!
YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE BACK-TALKS,
I HIT HER.
(laughter)
I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED
THE SHOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING,
AND IF YOU DIDN'T, YOU KNOW...
WHEN LIFE GETS YOU DOWN...
MAKE A COMFORTER.
(laughter)
I FEEL LIKE HIP-HOP...
USED TO BE A VOICE
FOR THE VOICELESS, YOU KNOW?
AND NOW IT'S BECOME,
AT LEAST IN THE MAINSTREAM,
A SYMBOL OF MISOGYNY...
GAY PANIC...
FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY,
YOU KNOW?
SO I FIGURE...
IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM,
JOIN 'EM.
HITTIN' THE CLUB UP
V.I.P.
I'VE GOT A FAKE MUSTACHE
AND A FAKE I.D.
I LOOK LIKE WOOLY WILLY
WITH A REALLY WOOLY WILLY
AND I BYPASS THE BOUNCER
PASS BY AN EX, AND I FLEX
AND BOUNCE HER, WOWSER
LOOK AT ALL OF BO'S HOES
LOOKING FOR A RIDE
ON BO'S HOSE
AND I SPOT A LITTLE LATINO
BOOTY SO BIG,
CALL IT OPRAH'S EGO
WE GO DO IT THROUGH IT
SHE SAYS,
"DIOS MIO, MI AMIGO"
WHEN WE WERE DONE, SHE SAID,
"HEH, IMMA AYA"
SWALLOW, BITCH, THERE'S PEOPLE
STARVIN' IN AFRICA
(laughter)
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE GAY,
THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT
I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY
OH, BO
I SAID, OH, BO
OH, BO
YOU'RE AN ICE CREAM SUNDAE
WITH A CHERRY ON TOP
BUT CAREFUL, CHERRY,
'CAUSE I'M THE KING OF POP
POP,
POP GOES THE WEASEL
HAVE YOU LOOKIN' LIKE
JACKSON POLLACK'S EASEL
YEAH, MY SUGGESTION IS
YOU DON'T BLOW TILL YOU KNOW
WHAT CONGESTION IS
SWALLOW WHEN YOU KNOW
WHAT DIGESTION IS
FOLLOW BO,
THE ONLY QUESTION IS
HAVE YOU BEEN SPLATTERED
BEFORE
BY THE MAD HATTER MATADOR
CAKE BATTER NEVERMORE
IT DON'T MATTER
WHETHER YOU'RE
SPANISH, FRENCH, SWEDISH,
OR CAMBODIAN
I'LL SLIME YOU SO HARD
YOU COULD BE ON NICKELODEON
(cheers and applause)
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE GAY
THOUGH I SWEAR I'M STRAIGHT
I'D MAKE THE FELLAS SAY
(scattered shouting)
OH, BO,
I SAID, OH, BO
I SAID, OH, BO
YOU THINK
THAT YOU CAN HANDLE ME
GIRL,
DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
MY JUNK IS BIPOLAR,
IT'LL SPLIT YOU IN HALF
I SAID,
AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY
I MIGHT JUST BRING YOU HOME,
AND I'LL HAVE YOU GOING DOWN
LIKE YOU'RE GROWING
AN EXTRA CHROMOSOME
AND WHEN YOU LOVE ME,
DON'T GRAB ME BY MY BUNS
'CAUSE I GOT A BAD CASE
OF THE RU-U-NS
I GOT THE RUNS
I GOT THE RU-UH-UH-
OH, OH
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE
YEAH, AND IF I WERE
(music softens)
LIKE TO BREAK IT DOWN
FOR Y'ALL.
I CAME FROM THE STREETS
WITH NOTHING.
(light laughter)
NOW I'M MAKING HIT RECORDS.
FOR MY PEOPLE STILL LIVING
IN THE STREETS,
STILL LIVING IN POVERTY,
I WANNA TELL YOU,
I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU.
MY SUCCESS...
IS YOUR SUCCESS.
AND YOU MAY BE THINKING, "HEY,
IF YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT,
"WHY DON'T YOU USE
SOME OF YOUR MONEY
"TO HELP
REBUILD THE NEIGHBORHOOD
INSTEAD OF PUTTING SPINNING RIMS
ON A GOLD JETSKI?"
(laughter)
AND TO THAT I SAY...
UH-OH,
CHORUS IS COMING UP.
SINGLE EVERY SINGLE DAY
DO IT EVERY SINGLE WAY
MAKE THOSE SINGLE LADIES SAY
OH, BO
AND IF I WERE,
OH, SO THAT I WERE
YEAH, AND IF I WERE
YOU GOT A FUME LIKE A TUNA
I'LL SMELL YOU LATER
I MET A FAT CHICK AND I
FUCKED HER IN AN ELEVATOR
IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS
(laughter)
'CAUSE I SAID IT WAS WRONG
ON SO MANY LEVELS
I SAID IT WAS WRONG ON
(cheers and applause)
OH...
OKAY.
I DON'T KNOW
IF ALL BOY SCOUTS ARE GAY
THEY COULD PROBABLY
TIE THE KNOT (cheers and applause)
IN LIKE FIFTY DIFFERENT--
I'M DYING INSIDE!
I GOT A SAFE FULL OF CHERRIES
'CAUSE I POP IT AND LOCK IT
A GIRL'S LIKE A FRIDGE, ONCE
A WEEK YOU SHOULD STALK IT
IF YOUR INTO RIMMIN, IT'S ONLY
SAFE IF YOUR SWIMMIN'
GIRL,
DON'T SIT ON THAT COUCH
'CAUSE I TREAT MY OBJECTS
LIKE WOMEN
I SPIT FIRE
LIKE I JUST BLEW A DEMON
MY SHIT'S SO HOT I'LL LEAVE
YOUR TOILET BOWL STEAMIN'
I'M GONNA TEAR I LIKE THE CARDS OF THE GYPSIES
YOU'LL BLEED FOR SO LONG
YOU'LL GET MONTHLY ELLIPSES
IF YOUR PANTS ARE LOOSE,
I'LL REPLETE YA
YOU'RE A FIRST TIME VEGAN,
AND IT'S NICE TO MEET YA
I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
I'M A REAL G THAT CAN REALLY
FIND YOUR G SPOT (audience clapping to beat)
OH, YEAH,
YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING METRONOME
(laughter and applause)
YEAH.
GO TO A VAGINA ORCHARD,
COUNT 1, 2, 3
SPIN THAT PLANT AROUND,
YOU GOT A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY
NO, THAT'S RIGHT,
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED
I'M OFFENSIVE AND CREATIVE
LIKE HANDICAPPED PORN
YOU'RE PLAYING
WITH YOUR BREASTS
EXCUSE ME,
CAN I TRY IT MA'AM?
YOUR PUSHIN' 'EM TOGETHER
LIKE A TITTY VENN DIAGRAM
LOOK AT THAT CRACK,
EXCUSE ME CAN I BUY A GRAM?
RIGHT BELOW YOUR DIAPHRAGM,
ASS LOOKS LIKE YOUR HIDIN' HAM
FIRST BASE,
WERE MAKING OUT
MOTHER FUCKER, SECOND BASE,
I'M GETTING FAKED OUT, YO
THIRD BASE,
I'M GETTING TAKE-OUT
AND I TRY TO TAKE IT HOME
IF I KNEW I'D TAKE IT OUT
BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW
I SAID I JUST DON'T CARE
MY FLOW'S SO COLD I NEED
A TAMPON FROM A POLAR BEAR
AND YOU CAN SPELL
AND SMELL MY STINK
'CAUSE B.O. LINGERS
AND IT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
I'M BAD AT SEX.
GET IT?
(laughter and applause)
YEAH, WHAT?
'CAUSE GIRLS ARE LIKE DONUTS
WHEN I BE BUSTIN' BO NUTS
I CAN MAKE 'EM CREAM-FILLED
OR GIVE THEM A LAYER OF GLAZE
I'M LIKE DOUG'S FRIEND SKEETER
WHENEVER I MEET HER
(audience singing)
'CAUSE I SKEET HER SO HARD
PEOPLE CALL HER PATTY
MAYONNAISE
YEAH, THAT'S SAD.
(cheers and applause)
YEAH, WHAT, UH
YEAH, 'CAUSE THERE'S
AN INVERSE RELATIONSHIP
BETWEEN RESPECT AND SECTS
I'M TALKING ABOUT RELIGIOUS
SECTS LIKE A MORMON SECT
THAT SAYS YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH MEMBERS
OF DIFFERENT SECTS
BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE SEX
WITH MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX
THE SECTS CAN'T BE DIFFERENT,
SEX CAN'T BE SAME
THE ONLY SEX LEF IS SOME LEFT-HAND SHAME
GIRL, I LEFT YOU
'CAUSE YOU LEFT THE GAME
AND IF THAT DON'T FEEL RIGH THEN YOU CAN WRITE MY NAME
'CAUSE I'M BO, YO,
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
OH, GEE
(cheers and applause)
MY JUNKS SO LONG
THAT IT HANGS AND SWINGS
AT THE NUDE BEACH PEOPLE THINK
I'M LOOKIN' FOR LOST RINGS
PLAY THE SKIN FLUTE,
YOUR BIG BOY SINGS
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT ALL
WEAR AFRICAN NECK RINGS.
'CAUSE, LIKE, MAN.
(laughter)
HATERS CALL ME GAY,
BUT THAT AIN'T HATIN'
'CAUSE I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC,
MY MORALS ARE STRAIGHT
AND IF I'M IN THE CLOSE THEN YOU ARE BELOW ME
TAKIN' THE B-A- OUT OF "BASEMENT," HOMEY
SPELLS "SEMEN."
'CAUSE I'M BO, YO, AND
I'M THE GREATEST RAPPA EVA
AND I'LL WEATHER YOUR WEATHER
WHETHER YOU THINK I'M CLEVER
OR NOT, THINK YOU'RE BETTER,
YOU'RE NOT
DON'T NEED A SWEATER,
I'M HOT
THIS SONG'S GONNA END
REALLY AWKWARDLY.
THANK YOU.
I'LL DO ONE--
THANK YOU GUYS
SO MUCH FOR COMING.
I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT NIGHT,
AND YOU'RE THE BEST.
SEE YOU, BOSTON!
WHOA, BOSTON!
RED SOX.
(cheers and applause)
GO, MO VAUGHN.
(scattered cheers)
I LOVE YOU
LIKE KINGS LOVE QUEENS
LIKE A GAY GENETICIS LOVES DESIGNER GENES
I NEED YOU LIKE NEW ORLEANS
NEEDS A DROUGHT
LIKE HITLER'S FATHER
NEEDED TO LEARN TO PULL OUT
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE A LAWYER/MATHEMATICIAN
WANTS SOME KIND OF PROOF
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE JFK WANTED
A CAR WITH A ROOF
IS HE HERE?
BECAUSE LOVE
IS TAKING A DIVE
THEN GETTING
REALLY COMFORTABLE
AND PEEING IN THE POOL
AND LOVE IS
A REAL-LIFE PORN
MINUS ALL THE STUFF
THAT MAKES PORN COOL
AND LOVE IS A HOMELESS GUY
SEARCHING FOR TREASURE
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RAIN
AND FINDING
A BAG OF GOLD COINS
AND SLOWLY FINDING OUT THEY'RE
ALL FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE
AND EVEN THOUGH
HE'S HEARTBROKEN
HE CAN'T COMPLAIN 'CAUSE HE
WAS HUNGRY IN THE FIRST PLACE
I LOVE YOU
LIKE DORA LOVES MAPS
LIKE THE POPE'S TOILET LOVES
HOLY CRAPS
I NEED YOU
LIKE A VOYEUR NEEDS A BRANCH
LIKE BOYS TOSSING SALAD
NEEDS A LITTLE BI OF NEVERLAND RANCH
I WROTE IT BEFORE!
I'M FINE.
AND I WANT YOU, YEAH
LIKE ALL THE GOTHIC KIDS
THAT LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME
NEVER WANT TO CONFORM,
WHAT?
AND I WANT YOU
LIKE ANNE FRANK WANTED
NOBODY TO READ
HER FUCKING DIARY. (cheers and applause)
'CAUSE A DIARY'S A COLLECTION
OF SECRET THINGS
NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO READ
THAT'S THE WHOLE POIN OF A DIARY
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
HAVE BREACHED
THIS LITTLE GIRL'S PRIVACY
AFTER SHE WAS CHASED BY NAZIS
KICK HER WHILE SHE'S DOWN
AND IF WE ME IN 10,000 BC
I WAS YOUR CAVEMAN,
YOU WAS MY CAVELADY
IF WE GOT HOT,
WE'D START A-RUBBING
IF WE GOT HUNGRY,
WE'D GO CLUBBING
THERE'S WOOLLY MAMMOTHS,
BUT I WILL PROTECT US
YOU'RE MAKING ME DEVOLVE
TO A HOMO ERECTUS
YEAH, HOMINID TREE.
AND IF WE MET IN 1780
I WAS A WHITE SOUTHERN
ARISTOCRATIC PLANTATION OWNER
AND YOU WERE MY DARK-SKINNED
SERVANT LADY SLAVE
WHENEVER I COULD GET AWAY
FROM THE MISSUS
I'D GO TO YOUR SHED,
AND THEN I'D STEAL YOU KISSES
BUT LET'S BE SERIOUS
I'D STILL WORK YOU
FULL-TIME AS A SLAVE
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN ROMANTIC LANGUAGE
AND COMPLETE DISREGARD
FOR SOCIO-ECONOMIC TRENDS
SO IF WE MET IN 1941
I WAS A NAZI,
YOU'S A GYPSY ON THE RUN
THAT'S A LITTLE REDUNDANT
THAT
PROBABLY WOULDN' HAVE WORKED OUT, OKAY
YEAH, BECAUSE LOVE
IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD
FOR EVERY BREAKFAST,
LUNCH, AND DINNER
AND LOVE IS THE HOLOCAUS IF YOU DON'T DIE QUICK
AND YOU DON'T GET THINNER
AND LOVE IS BEING
THE OWNER OF THE COMPANY
THAT MAKES RAPE WHISTLES,
AND EVEN THOUGH
YOU STARTED THE COMPANY
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
TRYING TO REDUCE THE RATE
OF RAPE
NOW YOU DON'T WAN TO REDUCE IT AT ALL
'CAUSE IF THE RAPE RATE
DECLINES,
YOU'LL SEE AN EQUAL DECLINE
IN WHISTLE SALES
YEAH, WITHOUT A RAPIS WHO'S GONNA BUY YOUR WHISTLE?
BECAUSE LOVE IS
LOVE IS ALL ABOUT WHISTLES
(cheers and applause)