Book Club (2018) Movie Script

[Diane] This is
how it started.
Four best friends and a book.
Vivian was the one
who had the idea.
She'd seen it in a magazine,
and it was that
very first book
that gave her
a lifelong philosophy.
[man] You know what
I find sexiest about you?
Do tell.
You don't need me.
I don't need anyone.
It's the secret
to my success.
And successful she was.
The hotel we were standing
in front of... [scoffs]
...she owns.
And ten years later,
she tore it down
and built a new one.
[desk clerk]
Good morning, Miss O'Donnell.
Yeah, I'll call you back.
[men chattering]
[Diane] This is Arthur.
The first time they had sex
was on a mix board.
They were madly in love.
He proposed.
She said no.
He left town.
[gasps] My, oh, my.
Arthur Riley.
What's it been, 40 years?
That's impossible. That
would mean I was only six.
- Still a wiseass, huh?
- [chuckles] Yeah.
Old habits die hard.
I got to get back
to this meeting, but, uh,
are you going to be
in town for a while?
I would hope so.
I do live here.
I'll find you.
It's good to see you, Slim.
[Diane] Now, Sharon
was Vivian's roommate
as an undergrad at Stanford.
- Then she went to law school.
- [gavel bangs]
Of the 301 people
in her graduating class,
62 were women.
Of the 62,
one became a federal judge.
He's on the phone now?
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're going to take
a five-minute recess.
All rise.
This court will stand
in recess for five minutes.
No, no, no.
You're never interrupting.
How is Hawaii?
You got en... engaged?
Why? I mean, wow!
I didn't mean "why,"
I meant "wow." Wow.
Well, if I sound judgmental,
That's a professional hazard.
Who's Cheryl?
[inhales] Oh, I didn't know
your father was seeing someone.
Good for him.
And you. Good for both...
Congratulations all around.
[Diane] In 1985,
Sharon married Tom
because he made her laugh.
By 1999, she was
no longer laughing.
And the final straw came
when Tom asked her
what "Don Quix-ote" was about.
The marriage ended
and Sharon bought a cat.
[cat meows]
[Diane] Carol put herself
through culinary school,
working as a waitress
at a diner.
She had two goals in life:
one, to own and operate
her own restaurant,
and two, to marry the man
of her dreams, Bruce Colby.
Since the moment they met,
they've not been able to
keep their hands off each other.
- [squeals] Ooh!
- Happy anniversary.
Happy anniversary.
[Carol] Dance lessons!
- Oh.
- Yep.
- Wow.
- Yes.
Because the No Kid Hungry
is a talent show this year
and I signed us up.
- To be in the talent show?
- Yes!
I thought it was something fun
we could do together
now that you're retired.
Now this is gorgeous!
- Oh!
- Eargasms!
Yeah, I got us both a pair.
Multiple Eargasms.
Who does not love that?
Well, no, it's so you can watch
TV in bed without disturbing me,
and my snoring
won't keep you awake.
- Huh?
- That's very thoughtful.
What do you say
we get home and...
- I say yes.
- Yay.
[Bruce snores]
[snores louder]
[Diane] And then, there's me.
I didn't know what my path
was going to be,
and then it hit me,
with a wave of nausea.
Because of this guy,
Harry Whittaker.
We got married,
and I became a...
- [woman] Mom!
- [Diane] What?
[woman] Stop already.
What? No!
I just need to clear the caulk.
- Clear the caulk?
- Yes.
There's a cute little ladybug
trying to get out the window.
Okay, someone's been watching
way too much HGTV.
- Huh?
- Mom, put the screwdriver down.
- Mom.
- Uh-huh?
- We've been talking.
- Yes?
We want to move you
to Arizona.
Move me? Oh, my God.
What am I, cattle?
These are our two daughters.
Harry is an accountant.
Well, he was an accountant.
Your house is falling apart,
and you don't have Dad
to fix it.
I know, but, my friends,
they live here.
And your family lives there.
We just want you
close to us, Mom.
No, but...
Feel it out
for the weekend.
If not for you,
for us, please.
- It's what Dad would've wanted.
- All right.
[Diane] Well,
it's been over 40 years
and through it all, every month,
we still get together for...
[wine cork pops]
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Arthur as in Arthur?
Wait a minute.
Are you talking about...
- radio-station-sex Arthur?
- Yes!
That Arthur.
And he's staying at the hotel.
Does he not hate you, though?
He's got to.
No. That was 40 years ago!
Yeah, but still.
Oh! There she is.
My son is engaged and
my husband is in Maui
with a tartlet named Cheryl.
[Diane] Oh...
I need a drink.
Your "husband"?
You can't possibly still care
about what Tom is doing.
I don't care.
But the guy gets seasick
in a swimming pool.
I mean, what the hell
is he doing in Maui?
Sounds like he's
doing Cheryl in Maui.
Oh, please.
Who gets involved
in a relationship at 67?
I mean, what is the point?
The point is to get laid.
It's always the point.
- Don't make me sick.
- Who still says "get laid"?
Who still has any interest?
No, no, no. I am not gonna
let us become those people.
- What people...
- You know what people.
The people who stop living
before they stop living.
I haven't had sex
since my divorce
and it's been the happiest
18 years of my life.
[gasps] That must be
some kind of record.
I mean, what even happens
to a vagina after 18 years?
I think Werner Herzog
did a documentary on that.
Yeah. It's called
The Cave of Forgotten Dreams.
Okay! Will you stop it?
Moving on.
Let's talk about the book.
Oh, God. The hiking book?
Come on! I liked it!
It's such a remarkable
undertaking. Can you imagine?
No, I cannot. I don't even
like walking to my mailbox.
It's just an amazing story.
So many layers. I wouldn't
even know how to break it down.
I'll break it down for you.
She hikes, she lost her boot,
she did heroin.
Did you only read
the back cover?
[Vivian gulps] I wish.
I kept wanting
to shout at her,
"Oh, wait ten years, honey.
Dry shampoo is coming."
If you would ever
connect with something
on a more emotional level...
Emotional connection
is highly overrated.
You have not had an emotional
connection for 40 years.
Wow, that must be
some type of record.
Yeah, but what happens
to emotions after 40 years?
Okay, okay,
are you guys having fun?
Oh, come on.
You know we love you.
Maybe it's time
you did take a hike
and try to reconnect
with your own true self.
I'll buy you a backpack.
I'll tell you how to reconnect
with your own true self,
and it ain't by walking alone
through the desert.
I would like to introduce you
to Christian Grey.
Oh, no.
[Vivian] It was a bestseller
made into a movie.
- That is our theme this year.
- Oh, wow.
We are not reading this.
[Vivian] It's my month!
When it's your month,
you can choose whatever
boring, depressing book
you want.
I'm not sure
this qualifies as a book.
Well, 50 million people
can't be wrong.
To... To even be holding
this book is embarrassing.
Who's judging you, your cat?
I do like the idea
of a romance.
We are too old!
[Carol] But it says right here
"for mature audiences."
Yeah, that certainly
sounds like us.
We started this book club
to stimulate our minds.
Well, from what I hear, this
book is quite stimulating.
Oh, God.
So... come on!
- Let's toast to our new book.
- [Carol] All right.
- Oh, good.
- Drink up. Hoist that glass.
- [Carol] Yeah.
- Happy reading, ladies!
[whispers] Oh...
[grunts] Oh, God.
[sighs] Okay.
Oh, my... [groans]
[groans] Oh, I didn't...
I'm really so terribly...
I'm so sorry.
I... I...
[Diane laughs softly]
- You need some help?
- I'm sorry. No, I'm fine.
I really didn't mean
to disturb you.
- Too late.
- I know, I know.
Wow. [exhales]
This is so humiliating.
- Are you okay?
- I'm...
- I'm really scared of flying.
- You shouldn't be.
Oh, yeah, well,
I won't be once these...
kick into my bloodstream.
The safest way to travel.
- You want to know why you think that?
- Why?
Because you never met anybody
who's been in a plane crash.
- And you want to know why?
- Why?
Because they're all dead.
I think those pills
are affecting you already.
[chuckles] I think so.
Oh, my God.
What... What takes you
to Arizona?
Oh, my...
- My daughters live there.
- Hmm.
Well, that should be fun.
Not exactly.
They're kind of
forcing me to go.
[sighs] Well...
my husband,
he died last year, so...
Plane crash?
Oh! You didn't say that.
- Sorry, that was a bad joke.
- That's okay.
- I'm really sorry for your loss.
- I'm sorry, too. No, well...
Thank you, that's sweet.
Thank you so much.
- Yeah...
- [thump]
- Oh!
- [woman] Hey!
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God.
Oh, this is terrible.
- Wow.
- I'm so...
[stammers] That was the jet bridge
and we're still on the ground.
- We're still on the ground?
- Yeah.
I'm so terribly sorry.
- I'm quite all right.
- Okay.
Anything I can do to make
your flight more comfortable.
I appreciate that,
thank you so much.
[pop music playing]
[whispers] Oh, Jesus.
Oh, wow.
[sighs] Oh...
Give me a break, okay?
[Vivian] Whoa!
[groans] Oh, my God, yes.
- You know, I was wondering.
- Huh?
That must have been one heck
of a book you were reading.
May I ask what it was?
- Moby Dick. That's what it was.
- Moby Dick.
Uh-huh. Melville.
I didn't realize Christian Grey
had a nickname.
- Enjoy Arizona.
- Yeah, sure, of course.
Not a problem.
[assistant, over intercom] Miss O'Donnell,
I have an Arthur Riley for you.
Is that so?
Take a message.
Take a message?
I didn't realize that...
[clears throat]
that you were here.
We just saw each other
in the lobby two days ago.
Pity. They say the memory
is the second thing to go.
- What's the first thing to go?
- Can't remember.
I'm impressed.
- How did you find me?
- Google.
- Google?
- Yeah, it's a service on the computer.
Yeah, I know Google.
Oh, well, I'm younger than
you, so I didn't know...
Oh, cute. Cute.
What do you say?
May a gentleman buy you
a cup of coffee?
Well, a gentleman
certainly may.
Do you know of one?
It was the mid-'80s.
I became obsessed
with risk management.
You obsessed with work?
That's crazy.
I know, right?
I could see the system
was set up for trouble.
Of course, none of the men
in my firm believed me.
Well, men can be a little
slow on the uptake.
Bad for them, good for me.
And, um...
you never picked up
a husband along the way?
Like I said,
I'm way too good...
at forecasting risk.
I figure by now,
I've saved myself
- a lot of money in legal fees.
- True dat.
How about you?
Is there a Mrs. Riley?
Oh, yes.
The good Mrs. Riley
is back on the East Coast,
having absconded with
my last name, my dog,
and my co-op on the park.
What did you do wrong?
Well, let's just say
I was a little less good
at assessing risk.
Whoa! Tom, talk about
false advertising.
[trumpet sounds
through speakers]
[whispers] Whoa!
[woman, over computer] Join Tom
and Cheryl and millions of others
who found love on Bumble.
Join Tom and Cheryl as they
copulate in a coconut tree.
- [assistant] Judge Meyers?
- Yes.
Hi. It's 12:15.
Well, I really have
to stay with this, so, um...
If you could just tell them that we
have to move it to next week, please.
Of course. Yeah.
[woman, over computer]
Rev up your love life
with these tips
from Bumble...
Make love happen now
and change your life...
Do you need anything else,
Your Honor?
[woman, over computer] A man of
your dreams is just a click away.
No, I don't. I'm fine.
- Thank you.
- Yep.
[door opens, closes]
[Arthur] Here you go.
Make a wish.
What are you doing?
I made a wish.
What did you wish for?
I always wish for the same
thing: a healthy planet.
That's not your wish.
That's not even a wish!
Wishes have to be personal,
not global.
- Since when?
- Since forever.
And secondly, you can't
tell anybody your wish.
Otherwise it negates
the whole thing.
No, God, you're not gonna
go in there. Don't do that.
Well, somebody has to.
You made an improper wish
and you've jeopardized
the entire planet.
Oh, God, you are insane.
You are insane!
Don't go in!
[grunts] Oh...
I have no choice here.
You're obviously
the type of person
who's too delicate
to go in after her own penny.
Oh, you think I'm delicate?
See? Delicate.
You know, what you're reading
as delicate is this.
It's this bracelet
that costs as much as a car!
Let's see that bracelet.
- Oh, no. Not my phone...
- Oh, dear!
- Oh, dear.
- No, no. Oh, boy.
- Now you have done it.
- Oh, what do you mean?
God, it's scary how addicted
you kids are to your phone.
No, give it to me!
Hold on one second here!
[chuckles] I've never seen...
You know, I think you might need
to talk to someone about this.
I see why you lost
your co-op on the park.
- I hope that's waterproof.
- Oh, no. [squeals]
[whistle blowing]
- No bathing in the fountain.
- [Arthur] Okay!
But technically,
we're not bathing.
- Arthur.
- And she started it.
He doesn't care who started it!
It was him.
- Out.
- All right.
Ah, wait a minute.
- I found it.
- Oh, that's so great.
Oh! Did you see that?
Would you mind
just taking a photo?
[sighs] I hate my life.
It might take
a little bit of time,
but you're gonna love it
here in Arizona.
- I don't...
- Let's face it...
You being here
makes more sense for all of us.
We can't jump on a plane every
time something happens to you.
What are you talking
about, "happens to me"?
You could slip and fall
at any moment.
I don't want
to overstate the dangers
for a woman your age
living alone,
but I did research online,
and it's pretty alarming.
But you do know, I mean,
I'm really not that old.
Well, no, you're not, Mom,
but neither was Dad.
I know, honey, I know.
I need a coffee.
Well, the good coffee
is all the way upstairs.
Mom, why don't you
wait down here?
Wait down here? Sure.
God forbid, I can't go up
an escalator at my age.
But hurry back. I could slip
and fall at any moment.
- Just sit there, Mommy.
- Ooh!
- I'll get you a chamomile?
- [sighs] Oh, God. Yeah, thanks.
- Be careful!
- Uh-huh.
[old man] They brought
the kids to see you?
- Yeah.
- [old man] That's good.
- Oh, God, what?
- [cell phone ringing]
- Hello.
- [Carol] Have you ever been spanked?
- What?
- As an adult, sexually.
I mean, is this
what people are doing?
Carol, it's Diane.
You dialed the wrong number.
No. Have you not
read the book?
[Diane] Yes. I've read it.
Of course I have.
- And?
- I don't know who her lawyer is,
but she should not have
signed that contract.
Look, clearly,
we have things to discuss.
I'm gonna call
an emergency book club.
That means you got to
get back here, pronto.
I'd come back
for an emergency colonoscopy,
but it's just a little bit
more complicated here.
Oh, God.
How is life in Scottsdale?
Well, I don't know,
I feel like I'm...
- [snoring]
- an episode of The Walking Dead.
Wait a second. You sound
out of breath. Where are you?
I'm going to a... a dance
rehearsal and I'm late.
- You're late? You're never late.
- I know!
This book has got me in a total tizzy.
Just get back here.
I'll get back there. Bye.
- [Carol] Wow.
- Chin up.
[Latin music playing]
And one, two, three.
Go, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three. Wait.
- Stop!
- [music stops]
Stop, stop, stop!
Honey, I think we're supposed
to go this way.
To the left.
Right. Which is what I did.
His left. This way.
Back, two, three.
Side, two, three.
Okay, I got it. I was wrong.
I was wrong, you were right.
My little Fred Astaire.
I will follow you
wherever you want to go.
- How about lunch?
- We start again.
You know what?
I'm wondering...
Do you think it would be
possible for us
to just skip straight
to our choreography?
We must first learn...
to dance!
Right. I know.
But I sort of do know
how to dance. Come on, I do.
I still remember
the whole tap dance
to "Red, Red Robin Goes
Bob, Bob, Bobbin' Along"
that I did when I was six.
It's like savant-ish.
[in Hungarian]
- What did she say?
- You're asking me?
So, what is going on
with little Ginsburg here?
she's not herself lately.
She... She has no energy.
She's really lost
the spark of life.
She's just kind of blah.
It sounds like we have
a lethargic pussy on our hands.
Have there been
any changes at home?
Any new people or pets
moving in or out?
[chuckles] At home?
Oh, God, no.
There hasn't been
a change at home forever.
And what about diet?
I've tried a few,
but I like to eat.
So whatever weight I take off,
I put right back on, so...
it's useless.
You're talking about the cat.
I am a veterinarian.
I knew that.
[flight attendant, over PA] Would the passenger
in seat 17-D please report to the cockpit?
I repeat,
the passenger in seat 17-D,
please report to the cockpit.
Thank you.
- [Diane] Oh.
- Hi.
I just need a little bit
more information from you.
Oh. Oh.
Um, we need phone numbers,
home and cell.
And cell...
Also, a current home address.
What, really?
Oh, okay.
Also, an email and whatever
nights you are typically free.
- You...
- [door unlocks]
You've got to be kidding me.
Pilots, we never kid
about things like this.
[chuckles] No!
Wait, I don't understand.
- What are you doing here?
- Flying the plane, I think.
So, you're a pilot?
I think so.
They gave me the hat.
[chuckles] Oh, my God.
Thank you.
This is how you ask someone
for their number?
Not usually,
but you are very special.
Can I take you to dinner?
- [alarm beeping]
- Oh, my God.
What's going on here?
I think what I'm doing
is asking you to dinner.
- But what is the beeping?
- It's an alarm.
Yeah, but what does that
actually mean?
Usually, an alarm means
there's something wrong.
- Go fix it!
- I can't, I'm in the middle of something.
Let's just cut this short.
Do something. Just do something.
I can't, until we figure
this dinner thing out.
Okay, fine! Yeah, what the hell.
Just get the hell back in there!
Okay, here's the alarm.
[switch clicks]
[alarm stops]
I will call you.
[groans] Oh, my God.
This book! I mean, the things
Christian does to her!
My God! It's absurd.
I could have put him in jail
for any one of those things.
But she sure was having fun.
Yes, she was.
It's not like
we don't have fun.
No, but it's
a different kind of fun.
- Very different.
- Like this.
- This is fun.
- For sure.
I just can't stop thinking
about when he snuck her off
and he gave it to her right there
in the boathouse, you know?
- Oh, the boathouse.
- Yeah.
Do you think anyone
our age still goes...
Hi, beautiful friends!
Yeah, I think
some people do.
Uh, let me guess.
You saw Arthur again.
I did, I did.
We had coffee.
And you slept with him.
Oh, God, no!
Although I have to admit, he's
still very charming and fun.
So you find him
charming and fun,
but you didn't
sleep with him.
I don't sleep with people
I like. You know that.
- I gave that up in the '90s.
- You make no sense.
I make perfect sense.
Now, now, now, now.
Tell me what is going on.
Tell me everything.
You are too happy.
I don't like this.
[sighs] Okay.
- Best book ever!
- Yes!
What is going on?
Oh, yeah. No, wait.
Imagine this, okay?
Um, so,
me sitting on a plane,
uh, you know,
reading our little book...
and, well, this, um,
devilishly handsome man...
Oh my God, is this going
where I hope it is?
Yes, it is. You know what he did?
He asked me out to dinner.
Well, that's not exactly...
- Oh, shh!
- You met a man on an airplane?
Yeah, and guess what?
A pilot!
Love a man in uniform.
Your husband just died!
Harry. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness. Oh, he was...
He was such a good man.
That was the best thing
that ever happened to you.
Harry dying was the best thing
that ever happened to her?
Yeah, 'cause now she can have sex with
somebody who's not an accountant.
Wait a minute.
Are you crazy?
Sex? Forget about it.
I don't even remember
how to have sex. No way!
Don't worry,
it'll all come back.
It's just like
riding a bicycle.
Except instead of
riding a bicycle,
you have sex with a man.
Note to self: Watch Carol
ride a bicycle someday.
If you need a refresher,
I know somebody who sure
does know how to have sex.
I don't know what that is,
but I'll tell you one thing:
it is definitely
not sex, okay?
No, you're right,
that's not sex.
That's crazy hot sex.
Can we please
stop saying "sex"?
What do you prefer,
"make love"?
- "I don't make love. I f..."
- [coughs]
That's what he said.
- Oh, my.
- Ooh.
You've completely lost it.
- No, I think she's found it.
- Yeah.
She's found it. Handcuffed
in the red room, right?
[imitates whip cracking]
- The whip.
- [Carol] The red room.
Bruce must be having
such fun with all this.
Oh, yes, such fun,
actually. Yeah.
What is that?
[Carol groans]
This book made me realize that
it's been quite a while
since we... you know.
As in... as in weeks?
Mmm, like, maybe six.
- Six weeks?
- Months.
Oh, God, I thought you guys
were like rabbits.
We are, if rabbits
took a ton of Benadryl
and made a chastity pact.
Oh, my God, we have
to put a stop to this.
Oh, come on.
I mean, if women our age
were meant to have sex,
God wouldn't do
what he does to our bodies.
Whoa! Well,
speak for yourself.
That was not God.
That was Dr. Nazarian.
He did a good job.
- Hey, everyone.
- [all gasp]
- [all] Hey!
- What's the topic this month?
- What...
- Moby Dick.
Oh, yeah, sounds like fun.
- Carol?
- What?
You are not gonna believe
what I pulled out of the garage.
My old motorcycle.
That poor thing
hasn't been ridden in ages!
Poor thing.
Oh, there's a little sag
in the cable.
She's still got
a gorgeous chassis.
You know, I was thinking
maybe I could lube her up
and get that old gal
riding again.
- Yeah, yeah, good idea.
- That's good.
Give her undercarriage
a good buff
and slap a little wax
on her saddle.
[laughs] Ooh, I hope
he uses protection.
- Shut up.
- Moby Dick?
- What was that?
- I don't know.
I don't know why my mind
keeps going there.
It's like, duh.
Ladies, this book
is a wakeup call.
I don't care what society
says about women our age.
Sex must not be
taken off the table.
Hold on. I mean, we are four
smart successful women.
I don't need a man.
I know. You've proved that
for 18 years.
No, my point is,
the choice should be ours.
[Diane] Speaking of which,
we are doubling down.
How about this
for a choice? [laughs]
- Thank God it's a trilogy.
- My God!
- Especially for you, Sharon.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
- What?
- Ladies?
- Yes?
- [Carol] Yes?
We shall not go gentle
into that good night.
So, let's lube up those bikes
and get riding again!
[all howl]
"I groan and tilt my pelvis
involuntarily against him,
finding a delicious..."
[laughs hysterically]
"...a delicious friction..."
Oh, this is really something.
"...against the seam of his fly
and his growing erection."
- [cell phone ringing]
- [whispers] Oh...
Oh, dear.
Oh, my God, okay, okay.
- Hello?
- [Adrianne] Are you okay?
You were supposed
to call me after dinner.
Yeah, I'm fine, honey.
I just finished.
Did you eat alone?
Yes, alone.
[Adrianne sighs]
God, it's all so sad.
Okay, but anyway...
thanks for checking in,
and I really should get to bed.
[Adrianne] Remember,
we can put you in the basement
whenever you're ready.
[sighs] Whoa.
[scoffs] I mean...
[whispers] Wow, wow.
[cell phone ringing]
[in annoyed tone] Hello!
[Mitchell] Is that really
how you answer the phone?
- All right, who is this?
- I'm gonna hang up now.
Then I'll call you back
and we're gonna try this again.
[groans] Oh, my God.
[cell phone ringing]
It's over.
I can't do anything right,
obviously. Okay.
Hello there!
Hey, hello there.
Much better.
Have you had dinner?
[Diane] Oh, I have. Yeah.
How about tomorrow night?
Dinner tomorrow night?
Sounds great.
Thought you'd never ask.
What time
should I pick you up?
But I...
I really can't, so...
- Why can't you?
- No, I mean...
I mean, of course I can,
but where are you anyway?
I'm in Sedona.
But I'm in... Oh!
I'm in Santa Monica, so...
I'm aware.
I'll pick you up at 6:30.
Well, wait. But you can't
just kind of like...
Actually, I can.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
[chuckles] Oh, God.
[sighs] Oh, dear.
Someone make a bad wish?
Oh, you should know I rescue
wishes all over town.
Wanna grab
a cup of coffee?
Oh, I... I can't today.
Well, I'd like
to grab a drink sometime.
We have an excellent bar
on the mezzanine level.
Oh, you meant with me?
- You're funny.
- Oh.
Okay, it's a date, then.
I love
that you have a date!
Yeah, and it's a first date.
So it's important
that you put on something sexy.
- [sighs] Oh...
- [Diane] I don't own anything sexy.
Don't listen to her.
Just be comfortable.
Be yourself.
Okay. Well, what about...
Does this...
- That's too comfortable.
- [Carol] Right, yeah, no. No.
Okay, fine.
I can take that
to Goodwill for you.
Don't do that to them.
Those people
have enough trouble.
- She always does this.
- [whispers] I know.
She wears these
voluminous things
to cover that beautiful figure.
All the time!
- Oh! Oh, my God!
- [Carol] Yes!
- Perfect! You look great!
- You look perfect.
- Let me see.
- I don't want...
Oh, my God, you look so good.
Unbutton one little button here.
- Show off the girls.
- [shrieks] Get off!
Let them out!
Oh, no, no, no.
- This is so ridiculous.
- So exciting.
Oh, I can't believe
how nervous I am.
I am, too.
Do you remember your last date?
We're talking Nixon era.
- Wait, is that helping?
- No.
[doorbell rings]
[Diane] Oh, God.
I need a safe word.
You're gonna be great!
You're gonna be great.
This is gonna be amazing!
Let's get to the window.
Just act natural.
- Well, hey, you.
- Oh, good, you're home.
- He's wearing jeans.
- I love a man in jeans.
Let me see. Okay...
- He's got a cute tush.
- [Vivian] Oh, God!
[Carol] Oh, God.
- Oh. You brought me flowers?
- Here you go.
Thank you so much.
[Vivian] He brought flowers!
[Carol] I love a man
who brings flowers.
If you don't like them,
blame your neighbors.
- I picked them from their garden.
- You're kidding.
[Sharon] The last time she went
on a date, she got pregnant.
[Vivian] I don't think
that's gonna happen this time.
- He gave up on you.
- I know. That's okay.
- So, where were we?
- Oh, yeah, a bathroom.
A public bathroom?
Like, a public bathroom?
Yeah, like in a park.
- In a park?
- Well, yes, I was 11.
- The setting wasn't the first thing on my mind.
- No.
- What about you?
- Me? Oh, I don't remember.
Everybody remembers
their first kiss.
How about I tell you
about my best kiss?
Maybe that hasn't
happened yet.
Oh, I see. Well. Hmm.
My first kiss.
That'd be the sixth grade
and Terry Sanders.
Terry Sanders.
Is that a boy or a girl?
[chuckles] A boy, obviously.
I don't know.
Anyway, it was one
of those Christmas mixers.
Some friends and I,
we snuck backstage.
It was dark, and...
I remember hearing the first
bluesy notes of "At Last."
Remember? By Etta James?
And it came billowing down
through the curtains,
and that is when Terry Sanders
came up to me, and he said...
It was so sweet! He said,
"I think I love you, Dee-Dee."
Yeah, and then he grabbed
my face with both of his hands,
and he was like,
I don't know...
Maybe he had seen it
in some movie or something.
But he held my face,
and, for a moment,
my mind went completely blank
in the greatest possible way.
Oh, God. I mean, we didn't...
We didn't know
what we were doing, we just...
- Terry knew.
- Maybe, yeah.
We stood there like that,
you know...
We just stood there. Frozen.
And you know,
I didn't really care.
the feeling of his hands
on my face...
You know what I wish?
I wish...
everyone had a first kiss
like that.
I'm so sorry.
You know, I don't...
I don't know why I told you
the whole story!
That was a beautiful...
That was a beautiful story.
Thank you.
I wish I was kissed
by Terry Sanders.
[Diane laughs]
Where is he? Whatever
happened to Terry Sanders?
- I need to track him down.
- [Diane] Oh, Terry Sanders...
No, what actually
happened to him
was that he died
in a plane crash.
He died, yeah.
He just went like that.
- Plane crash?
- [Diane] Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
He didn't die in a plane crash.
You've been waiting
all this time
just to hit me
with a plane crash joke.
I couldn't help it.
Diane can get a man
to fly in from another state,
and I can't get my husband
to come in from the garage!
Well, you have to give him
a good enough reason.
Well, since when is sex not a
good enough reason for a man?
Honey, you're not dealing with a man,
you're dealing with an older man.
Different animal.
He's not thinking about sex.
He's conditioned to think
that "inside" means changing a
light bulb or fixing the toilet.
Both of which sound infinitely
more satisfying to me.
So basically, I'm screwed.
Or not screwed, as it were.
He needs a reminder.
Take him back to a time
when sex was on his mind.
- Miss O'Donnell?
- Yeah.
This was dropped
at the desk for you.
- Thank you, Runako.
- You're welcome.
It's Pavlovian.
Present the right stimulus,
you will not believe
how quickly he'll come.
Must you always be
so crass?
Look whose mind
is in the gutter!
[Sharon] I know!
It's because of this book.
The whipping
and the flogging.
I'm learning things no one our
age should even know about!
I mean, sex is...
Not that a little kissing or
petting would kill me, but...
Is that a poncho?
Um... all right, sharing.
"Next time we should
wear protection"?
"Love, Arthur."
Uh, you weren't gonna
tell us about this.
I told you
we went out for coffee.
Unbelievable! That is not
how I go out for coffee.
The entire world
is coupling up.
You just need to put yourself
out there the same way Tom did.
You see her going online?
I mean, let's not lose
all our sense of reality.
Well, why not?
There are plenty
of fish in the sea
- who would adore her.
- [Vivian] I agree.
But to catch one she'd actually
have to take out a pole
and make her way
down to the water.
You really don't think
I can do it.
Well, I think you can.
I just don't think you will.
Then let's drink to me
and my pole going online.
- Well, yay! Good for you.
- Yay!
But you might want
to lose the pole.
Yeah. Good call.
Life motto?
I'll give you a life motto.
"No one with a life
has a motto."
"Find a mate?"
What am I, Lin-Lin the Panda
at the San Diego Zoo?
- [camera clicking]
- No! No, no, no.
Stop it!
[Carol clears throat]
My old uniform.
What do you think?
I feel like
I'm in a time machine.
I know.
And it still fits!
- Ta-da!
- [fabric rips]
There's some duct tape
on the shelf.
You're sweet, but that
just makes it easier to...
Oh, you need... you need
duct tape. Okay...
And, uh, give me the zip ties.
Zip ties.
Are you thinking about
tying me up?
Nothing. It's just something
I was reading about.
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
No, I think I'm good, thanks.
I just needed more light
before I can get inside
her crankshaft.
Check her out.
Check out...
your motorcycle?
- It sure brings back memories.
- Yeah.
And she's a lot prettier
than I remember.
I wouldn't complain if you
want to take me for a ride.
[tire pops, air hissing out]
Rain check?
I'm sorry.
I talked your ear off.
- I'll recover.
- You will? I wonder.
Just let me know
when you're back in Arizona.
Oh! Well, actually, I'm going
to be there this weekend.
How inconvenient.
How inconvenient, yeah.
- It was really lovely.
- Oh, it was really lovely. So...
- Good night.
- Have a good night.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
[groans quietly] Oh, God.
We need to get control
of this situation.
I don't want a repeat
of what was going on
in the evidentiary hearing.
[message alert chime]
Let's turn our phones off,
Not mine.
[message alert chime]
Am I the only one
hearing this?
I believe it's from...
over there.
[message alert chime]
Holy shit.
[pop music playing]
Here, Ginsburg,
you want to go out?
Go ahead.
Okay, fine.
- Be lethargic.
- [mewls]
Damn you, E.L. James.
His name is George and he's
probably a serial killer.
No man is perfect.
Well, he's also certainly
not normal.
I mean, normal people don't
go trolling for dates online.
You do.
Yeah, I rest my case.
Maybe he's your
Christian Grey.
- He's a bald tax attorney.
- Okay, maybe not.
But at least
you have a date.
I'm never gonna have sex again
for the rest of my life.
[Sharon] He might not
even have arms!
- Hey.
- What?
These are essential.
They hold you in, smooth everything down.
Life changing.
I'm gonna get them for you.
Come here.
Well, let's just say things did
not go exactly as planned.
You've been married
too long.
In the army, when they want
to get a soldier's attention,
they just blow
on the trumpet.
Well, that is precisely
what I was attempting.
- And the soldier?
- Absent without leave.
In fact, the trumpet never
even came out of the barracks.
The commanding officer put
a kibosh on the mission, huh?
Yes. Mission aborted.
[Sharon] Oh, Jesus Christ, enough
with the metaphors already.
My organs just shifted.
You're gonna be fine.
Do scuba breathing.
So, okay,
give him one of these...
and the lieutenant
will stand at attention.
You think
that's the problem?
I've been doing field research
on this demographic a long time.
He's probably just embarrassed.
This is gonna be
a game changer, trust me.
[Sharon groans]
You need some help?
[Sharon] I need
the Jaws of Life.
Um, I don't think
you have that on quite right,
but it's gonna look amazing.
I look like
a Lane Bryant mannequin.
I'm sorry, I'm just trying to
picture your serial killer
trying to peel you
out of that thing.
- He's gonna have to use his teeth.
- If he has teeth.
When you guys
are finished joking,
can you get me
some scissors?
I can't feel my feet.
[Chris] Is that the one
I showed you?
No. Found it on Zillow.
Check it out.
- This has a media room.
- Oh, sick.
You don't need
a media room,
you need your son to live
in a good school district.
Mom. You shouldn't be
adding salt.
It's spaghetti. I always
add salt to my spaghetti.
Mom, did you not get the article
I sent you on blood pressure?
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, shoot. Could... Could you
excuse me for just a sec?
Don't say "sick".
You're 40 years old.
[Diane] Hi, how are you?
Come visit you?
That's crazy!
What? Well, I don't know
how I can do that, you know?
Oh. Well, okay.
I'm just gonna have
to come up with a reason.
- [Jill] Mom?
- Uh-oh. I got to go.
Okay, yes, and I will.
Okay, bye.
- [Adrianne] Is everything okay?
- [sighs] No. No.
That was my neighbor.
And, um...
There was a robber,
or a burglar, I don't know.
Anyway, they think
that the house was burgled!
- Burgled?
- It's shocking!
But you know something? I think I
need to get back there ASAP to help.
What do you mean, help?
What I mean is the authorities...
they may want to ask some questions.
So I do need
to get back there now.
The authorities?
I'm not a suspect.
I'm not suspicious.
It's not that kind of thing.
But I'm so worried.
This world is just not
a safe place for you anymore.
I'm sorry, and...
I'm really gonna try
to keep that in my mind, okay?
But anyway, I need to book
a flight back tomorrow.
Do I just not
turn you on anymore?
I mean, I get it after 35 years
and three kids, but am I...
Is it just not exciting
I love you, Carol.
I know you love me,
and I love you.
Then what is the problem?
The problem is we haven't
even tried to make love
since your retirement party.
And we both know
how that turned out.
You yourself said
there was something wrong
with the lamb that night.
We both know there was
nothing wrong with the lamb.
I'm the one who made it.
I'm not having
this conversation.
[sighs] Bruce, Vivian said
that it is so normal for men...
Wait. Vivian?
Dr. Schaefer said there are
safe and effective ways...
You talked to Dr. Schaefer?
I did not think
you'd want to talk to him.
- I don't want to talk to him!
- See? I knew that! I knew that!
He asked me, "Does he
still pleasure himself?"
- Oh, my God!
- And I said, "I have no idea!"
Carol! This is enough!
[shouts] Bruce!
I want to have sex!
[dog whines]
Excuse me.
[both sigh]
Okay, come on, baby.
Get your leg up there.
Goddang it.
[engine fails]
Come on.
What, you can't
get it turned on, huh?
Hi. Do you have a reservation?
No, actually
I'm meeting someone.
His name is George.
He's a tax accountant.
Right. Follow me.
Enjoy your meal.
Hey, you have arms!
It would've been fine
if you didn't, but it's...
better that you do. Hey.
So nice to... Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'll take care of it.
This is why
I don't leave the house.
- Shall we start again?
- I'm afraid to reenter.
We can take it
right from here.
[Sharon] Okay.
So, what about you?
- You work?
- Um, yes.
Actually, I'm currently working
on my drinking. [chuckles]
[both laugh]
You have a nice laugh.
Thank you.
I'm a federal judge.
- Really?
- Yeah.
And I do have the power
to put you in handcuffs.
I don't know
why I said that. Really.
I'm sorry. I...
I was guessing what you
might be thinking and...
I mean, not you,
but men.
Not like all men
think the same, but...
I'm sorry I'm not better
at this, but this is...
Can I make a confession?
Uh, I changed
my shirt today six times
and I only have five shirts.
And the irony is
that they're all exactly alike.
Blue, button-down,
Brooks Brothers.
Well, who doesn't love
Brooks Brothers?
Not this guy.
When did dating
get so complicated?
I mean, it used to be
you'd go to a dance
and bada-boom bada-bing, you'd
get married and pregnant.
Now you have
to come up with
theories on life
before you even get a "wink."
What is that, a "wink" online?
You know, you are so much better
at this than you think you are.
Thank you.
You are too,
for the record.
All my past relationships
taught me one thing.
I can't sleep with men.
Well, now, there's a revelation
I was not expecting.
No, but sex is fine.
I just can't sleep.
that makes more sense.
Now I can focus on
what you're gonna say next.
I can't understand
how men can sleep anywhere.
On the floor, in a bed,
on a couch.
I'm staring at the ceiling
and they're off
in some blissful dreamscape.
Well, they say that bad sleep is
a sign of a bad relationship.
Yeah, well,
I can attest to that.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
I never thought
I'd be back here again.
Me, neither.
Here we go.
[moans appreciatively]
- Is it as good as you remember?
- Maybe better.
Let me ask you a question.
What's your favorite thing
in the whole world?
Well, that's a very
broad question.
Arm tickles.
- Come on.
- No, without a doubt.
No, it's true.
I'm a girl of simple pleasures.
[laughs] Says the girl
with a staff of 150!
Ah, but it would be
so much better
if they were all
tickling my arms.
You know what I love to do
that I never do anymore?
Listen to a full album on vinyl
from beginning to end.
Vinyl sure has made
a comeback, hasn't it?
Well, some things
stand the test of time.
That they do.
[romantic music playing]
[music stops]
[instructor claps]
Dance is about connection.
It can't just be routine.
Moving in unison
is not the same as dancing.
[Carol] I think
we're done for the night.
I was 14. She was 17.
She could drive a car.
And she was sitting
behind the wheel.
She said, "Come here."
This is me.
Thank you for making
tonight so easy.
Oh... It was a great,
great pleasure.
Um, I have to ask you this.
First of all,
I think you're great.
And second,
I know that the chances of this
going past this evening
are slim, but...
would you mind if I...
kissed you?
If I had a nickel
for every time
someone asked me that.
All right, all right. I'll just
rewind the tape about 30 seconds.
Shut up and kiss me.
Oh, hell.
[clears throat]
I think this belongs to you.
Thank you.
[Sharon] Ginsburger!
Ooh. I'm gonna need
a bigger back seat.
Paging Dr. Derek.
- [Adrianne] Is this good?
- Uh-huh. This is fine, this is totally fine.
I love how your generation
still feels the need
to get fancy for air travel.
It's so cute.
[Diane] Okay...
- Call me when you get back to L.A.
- Of course.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Be safe.
- Bye-bye.
- Love you.
- Love you!
Quite an escape, Houdini.
Oh, God. I can't believe
I'm doing this.
[pop music playing]
You know,
I can't get over it.
Honestly, I'm not sure
I've ever seen a prettier sky.
- Mmm.
- Right?
- Cheers.
- Oh, cheers, okay.
Can I show you something?
- Sure.
- Come with me.
What are we doing?
- Are you nervous?
- Oh... Should I be?
I'm not sure
I've ever met anybody
who owned
their own barn before.
You got to get out
of the city more often.
Uh-huh. Oh, no, wait, no.
Forget it.
There is no chance in hell
I'm getting into that thing.
No. No!
You're gonna love it.
It's gonna be great.
I'm sorry, but...
What are you talking about?
No, I'm not
getting in there.
These are the controls.
Don't touch anything.
If you touch it,
we'll crash.
- Don't say that.
- I'm kidding.
This is my baby, okay?
See that "B" there?
You see?
- It's a Beechcraft Bonanza V-Tail.
- Okay.
And it's been my passion
project for the last...
20 years.
Twenty years! Wait a minute.
How old is this thing?
- It's a 1951.
- Whoa!
I'm a 1951!
Let me out of here!
No, seriously.
- Okay, we're going up.
- Wait, no.
I'm gonna regret this!
Oh, please. No, no, you have
a death wish. Death wish!
- Please.
- [Mitchell] We're all gonna die someday, Diane.
I just feel like it's worth
living a little bit
while we still can.
[pop music playing]
Overwhelming, huh?
Wanna hold on to the...
- Oh, okay.
- Just hold on to it.
I'll hold on.
- No!
- See that?
Oh, no, that's...
- I'm gonna bank, to the right.
- You're gonna bank?
[Diane] Oh...
You know what that is?
Yes. That's Cathedral Rock.
That's right.
Oh, my God.
And all this, though,
from being a pilot
- is what you're saying, right? This?
- No.
- No?
- No, what happened was I got out of the Air Force,
and I went to work for this
aeronautical research lab.
And, you know, I came up
with this design that...
that reduced engine drag
in a jet.
It's silly,
but it's a big patent,
and this is what happened
right here. See?
[cell phone vibrating]
You're gonna have to
introduce me to your family.
When can I meet them?
- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Why?
Because they're still very sensitive
about their father and...
What about you?
Well, I'm...
I mean, I loved him.
But I guess I realized
I was in mourning
for the end of something.
It's been a long time.
I mean, I guess, I don't know,
the world sees your...
your relationship
in one way,
you just kind of
go along, but...
then the truth is...
it had been over between us
for a long time.
what do you think of that?
You don't want to hear
my sad story, do you?
Maybe you should
tell me yours.
I don't have a sad story.
[Diane] You don't have a sad
story 'cause you're rich.
It's been 24 hours
and there's still no answer.
Okay, I'm sure she's fine.
You're so sure
everything is fine!
She could be passed out
in a ditch somewhere!
Adrianne, please calm down.
- I'm calling Jill.
- You're being hormonal!
[pop music playing]
Sharon, is that you?
Tom? Hi.
Wow! Hi!
- Unexpected.
- Yeah.
Your hair's... dark.
Oh, it's dyed.
- I know.
- Right, right.
I want to introduce you
to someone.
Oh, actually, I have to...
[Tom] Babe! Come here.
Babe, babe,
I want you to meet Sharon.
this is my fiance, Cheryl.
It is so nice
to meet you!
I've heard so much
about you.
Excuse me, are you Sharon?
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was in a complicated
sinus surgery.
Don't ask.
Hi, I'm Dr. Derek.
You can just call me Derek.
Hi, I'm Tom.
- Kill me now.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
Dr. Derek. Derek.
Sharon's date.
- Wow.
- Hi. I am Cheryl.
I didn't know you were seeing someone.
That's great.
You look so amazing
without your mask!
[coos] Oh, how sweet.
You should bring Dr. Derek
to the party next week.
- What?
- The double-engagement party. Didn't Jared tell you?
[Tom] Cheryl and I
got engaged.
We've having a little
celebration with our friends.
But it really is
for Jared and Kate.
- [Cheryl] We would so love to have you.
- [Tom] Yes.
- And you, too, Doctor.
- [Tom] Yeah.
Well, that sounds so nice!
Say, do you need a DJ?
I do that on the side.
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
[Tom] Do you do the vinyl
or what do you do, CDs?
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
You sure you're okay
in the bar?
Yeah. It's gonna be like
the good old days.
Ha! Am I ever.
Inner goddess doing
the merengue, my ass!
So is this where you
take all the boys?
Only the ones I don't want
to be seen with at the bar.
Well, I'll choose
to take that as a compliment.
Restricted area, huh?
[Vivian] Owner's perks.
Look at this.
A single solitary chair.
It's all a girl needs.
It's like a queen's throne
atop her castle.
Look. Look at the view.
[Arthur] Yeah. Look at
all those twinkling lights.
All those lives being lived.
As the poem goes, you took
the road less traveled,
and it made...
all the difference.
You know, that's not really
what that poem is about.
- Is that right?
- No.
It's, um...
It's about how we... we tell
the story of our lives,
so we feel heroic, brave...
but in fact,
there's no difference
in the paths to begin with.
- No difference in the paths?
- Nope.
Fascinating poem.
Arthur, come here.
Look at this. You see that
building with the red lights?
- Is that our diner?
- Yeah.
I can't believe your hotel
overlooks our favorite place.
According to the airline, your
mother never boarded her flight.
- Oh, my God.
- You said not to worry about it!
- Okay, you can worry now.
- What?
we did trace a signal
to her cell phone.
- What?
- Okay.
- What does that mean?
- We know where she is.
- She's been kidnapped?
- I did not say that.
- Is there a ransom?
- You know where she is?
In a case like this,
it's best to remain calm.
- Let's get a grip, folks.
- You know where she is?
If you had to guess,
what would you say?
I don't have to guess,
I actually know.
- Well, then take us there!
- Can I see the pad?
I can't believe
you put Viagra in my beer.
Well, it was
an innocent mistake.
Oh, innocent. How is it innocent?
You poisoned me.
Do not use that word.
- I'm sorry. How does it feel?
- Hard!
I thought we weren't
gonna use that word.
I can, you can't.
- God, there are so many rules.
- Don't, Carol!
- [tires squealing]
- Jeez.
I'll tell you something, I don't
think it ought to go to waste.
- [Bruce] Seriously! Stop it.
- [Carol] Calm down.
[sirens blaring]
I'm being pulled over.
Sir, I'm gonna need you
to step out of the vehicle.
I don't think that's
a good idea, Officer.
Out of the car now!
Okay, okay.
Gosh darn it.
Look, I'm sorry. Uh, my wife
put Viagra in my drink.
It's actually true.
It's my bad, I'm so sorry.
But you see, it's just he's
been having a little trouble
in that department,
and he was embarrassed.
And if there's one thing
I know about this man,
it's that he really hates
to be embarrassed.
Isn't that true, Pup?
Oh, I hate a lot
of things right now.
That's not even
in the top three.
Will this affect
your ability to drive?
[Bruce] No, ma'am.
- Enjoy your night.
- [Bruce] Okay.
You, too.
Thank you.
I think I like you.
Well, I think that's probably
just the wine talking, right?
You know what?
I think I'm in trouble here.
- Oh, I'm well past trouble.
- Yeah?
- [thump]
- What?
I think
I heard something.
It's probably just
the wine talking, right?
- [chuckling]
- And how often does the wine talk in your world?
- [gate opens]
- Oh, my God. Wait, who... who is that?
- Mom?
- [Mitchell] Oh, boy.
[Diane shrieks]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Mom!
Honey, let me explain.
What the heck
is happening here?
Hi. You must be, uh,
Adrianne and Jill.
I'm Mitchell.
- Chris.
- Stop it!
Mitchell, can you just...
You okay?
- [Jill] Mom!
- No, please. No, I'm fine.
Just let me explain, okay?
I'll be right back.
Wait, where are you going?
She's okay. She's perfectly...
She was in good hands. Relax.
- You relax!
- [Mitchell] No, it's okay.
- You relax!
- We've had a long day. I'm sorry.
I was just trying to give us
a little jumpstart.
I thought maybe if we had
a really nice night
and things sort of
naturally progressed,
then maybe
we would both feel better.
Great plan! Congratulations
on the execution.
Sorry. I really was just
trying to help you, Bruce.
Help me?
By never once considering
that I might have an opinion!
No, it's not just tonight.
It's everything, Carol!
You've got me
taking dance lessons.
Dance lessons for a talent show
that I never even signed up for!
You've been going to my
No Kid Hungry fundraiser
for the past 15 years.
You always show up for me.
That was for dinner.
Well, forgive me
for trying to find ways
to keep us connected.
"Hey, Bruce, here's something
you're gonna hate to do
for the next two months,
but in the end it'll be okay
because there will be
an onstage public shaming!
So happy anniversary!"
What, what? Sorry, sorry.
Didn't hear you at all,
because my husband
gave me
these wonderful earplugs,
so we wouldn't have to listen
to each other anymore.
Happy anniversary!
Hey, and by the way,
I got us the earplugs
so you wouldn't miss
any of your TV shows,
just because I happen
to love to fall asleep
next to my wife in our bed!
So forgive me!
[grunts angrily]
Okay, what are you doing?
Come on.
Diane, I know this...
I know this is not the direction
we hoped for this evening.
This is... It's such a disaster!
Do you see what I mean?
You've got to admit it was kind of funny.
A cop showed up!
No, it wasn't kind of funny.
This whole thing
is just one giant mistake.
You don't believe that.
I get that it's embarrassing,
but who gives a shit?
No, you know what?
You don't get it, Mitchell.
You know why?
Because you don't have kids.
Kids? They're like adults,
your kids.
You know,
you're out here
on your ranch,
with no one to take care of
but yourself.
Okay, that's fine for you,
but that's not the real world.
I have a family
and I have responsibilities.
- I'm sorry, but that's my world.
- I'm sure I don't understand
everything you're
going through right now.
That's right.
You don't have a clue.
Listen to me. Look at me.
I know we just met.
But you can't spend your
entire life just going around
taking care
of other people.
That's also not part
of the real world.
Okay, hey!
- Diane.
- What? What?
I'm saying it's okay
to be happy, Diane.
Well, I'm really...
I'm sorry, but I have to go.
[rock music playing]
[music fades]
Bruce. Bruce, honey.
I know I've been acting
a little crazy lately.
And obviously
I went overboard tonight.
My gosh, I hadn't noticed.
I am so sorry.
I embarrassed you...
and I made you feel
like you didn't matter.
I just don't know
what's been going on with you
for the last few months
and it scares me.
I know what I did
was wrong, and...
I'm sorry.
I got spooked.
Yeah, at the...
retirement party.
You know, I saw...
40 years just... vanish.
And I didn't know
who I was anymore.
Well, what was I gonna do?
What can I do?
I got scared.
I am scared.
And I need a little time
to figure out who I am again.
[Carol] I hear you.
And I'm not gonna try
to fix everything on my own...
tempting though that may be.
And I'm not gonna make you do
a bunch of stuff
that you don't want to do,
like dancing at the fundraiser.
I know you never wanted
to do that.
So forget it, okay?
I'm going to bed.
[Carol] Whoa, ice cream
straight from the tub?
Yeah, well, I ran into Tom
and his very happy fiance.
They're hosting
a double-engagement party
at their house.
Oh, did I mention
he calls her "babe"?
Which is sort of perfect
since she's a child.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
What did I miss?
Well, Sharon
is never dating again.
And we're all miserable.
So basically
nothing has changed.
Yeah, well...
Whoa. Since when
do you eat ice cream?
[mumbles] Since now.
So I take it things
went south for you, too?
I slept with Arthur.
Now, there's a shocker.
No, not sex.
I actually
fell asleep with him.
You've never been able
to sleep with a man before!
I know.
So, I mean...
you didn't have sex?
We slept on a couch
and he tickled my arm.
Oh, boy, now this is a disaster.
When is he leaving?
Not soon enough!
God, I got a brain freeze.
Here, give that
to a professional.
Oh, my God!
Well, anyway,
I have an announcement.
I am...
I'm officially...
moving to Arizona.
- What?
- Oh, tell me it's for the pilot!
No, no, no.
For my daughters.
This has gone
from bad to worse!
Well, I mean, they renovated
the basement for me,
and everything
is slip resistant,
and I can walk into the tub.
- Oh, my God.
- Ick.
But what about the pilot?
Crashed and burned.
I mean, we're not 18 anymore.
We're sure not
spring flowers.
No. More like potpourri.
So, this is...
[groans] Oh, my God,
this is my last book club!
Oh, no, you're kidding!
Oh, Diane!
Do we even want to talk
about the book?
- I hate this book, okay? Done.
- [Vivian] Me, too.
Are we really
this pathetic?
None of us have
anything interesting to say?
Well, my little affair
ended with me in a pool
on top
of an inflatable swan
and my daughters showing up
with the police!
Well, that certainly
qualifies as interesting.
I'm assuming
you were not in that pool alone.
Well... I was not.
Good for you.
Do I want to get us
another one of these?
- Oh, yeah.
- Yes!
The sooner the better.
[pop music playing]
Men make life impossible.
Oh, God,
tell me about it.
Well, you're one to talk.
Ditching God's gift to women
so you can live in a basement
and breastfeed
your daughter's children?
You know something? That's
really rich coming from you.
You've been stuck
on Tom for 18 years,
and you don't even
like the guy.
He's not at your level.
Eighteen years ago, you couldn't
wait to get rid of him.
But you've conveniently erased
that little piece of history.
Wish I could erase
a little piece of my history.
[Diane sighs]
- Well...
- What?
I was fine
until Arthur came along.
I had a happy existence.
Had a roster of men
that would satisfy
my every whim.
Oh, my God, I can't
listen to this anymore.
You really believe you're satisfied?
How could you be?
You're so terrified
of getting hurt
that you do everything you
can to push away love.
I'm gonna go back
to having sex and not caring.
Because that's what
works for me, okay?
Stop lying to yourself,
Not everything in the world
is about sex.
Did you even read the book?
This is a love story.
That is what the world wants.
That's what the world needs.
So, okay, you can have sex
with anybody.
Well, whoop-de-fricking-do.
But you know what?
Eventually, people need
a little bit more
than that.
Everybody's got baggage and
pain and problems, but...
even Christian Grey
fell in love.
Yeah, and he was
fifty shades of fucked-up.
here you go.
Book three? I am not sure
we'll survive another one.
Oh... Oh, God.
God, I...
I really am gonna
miss this. Right?
[Vivian] Oh, honey.
- Have a good drive.
- Thanks again.
What's happening here?
[coos] Huh, honey?
What's happening?
[Diane] Look at you.
Look at you.
Yeah, yeah. Look at you.
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing stops]
[door closes]
You're not taking my calls.
I don't have
my phone with me.
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing stops]
Do you know why
I first started on radio?
No, I don't.
Because I loved the idea
of no matter what I said
or what music I played...
millions of people could just
turn on their radios
and hear it.
But then as I got older...
I realized that...
reaching millions
and millions
of anonymous people...
doesn't come close...
to reaching
just one person you love.
And I'm...
I'm leaving tomorrow.
And it got me thinking...
wouldn't it be nice if...
you were coming with me
to New York?
But then I thought about it
and I thought about you...
and your hotel
and your rooftop...
and your inability
to make proper wishes.
I have no interest
in trying to change you, Vivian.
I love who you are.
Rich and independent...
and a total pain in the ass.
That does sound like...
like me.
And here we are,
staring at two paths.
And I know how I feel.
I know that you're the person
that I want to talk to.
You're the person
I want to listen to.
You're the person I want
to splash in the fountain.
You're my person, Slim.
And I just wanted to know
what you thought about that.
It's... It's been really nice
seeing you again, Arthur.
I hope you have
a safe trip home.
[calypso music playing]
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi, everybody. I'd like to take
a second to say a few words.
As most of you know,
I'm Tom Meyers, Jared's dad.
On behalf of my fiance,
Cheryl, and myself,
I want to
thank you all for coming.
Kate, we're so excited
to welcome you
and invite you into the family.
- Jared, we are so very happy for you.
- Thanks, Dad.
As Shakespeare said, "Love looks not
with the eyes but with the mind."
How right he was.
Love takes thought and care,
and I'm glad that
all the plus columns lined up.
Kate, you're getting
one of the good ones.
[all] Aww...
Sorry, I said I wouldn't
do this. To Jared and Kate.
[guests] Cheers!
I didn't mean
to do that, sorry.
Um, as... as few...
Well, if any of you know,
I'm Jared's mother,
Judge Meyers.
Or Sharon.
I just wanted to say,
I don't think that's what
Shakespeare had in mind
when he wrote those lines.
He was saying Cupid is blind.
He wasn't saying
that people should go
think themselves into love
and a system
of pluses or minuses.
- Oh!
- [Sharon] But whatever.
when I look at my son...
I am so proud of him
he has had the courage
to put himself out there,
and he's found someone
to make him happy.
That's inspiring.
Even for someone
as old as me.
The truth is...
love is not blind,
and it's not a battlefield,
and it's not the sun or the moon
or everything we load onto it.
It's just a word
until someone gives it meaning.
And that's what the two of you
have found in each other.
In fact, all four of you.
And we all deserve that.
Well done.
[guests] Cheers!
[Tom] Kate and Jared.
[cell phone ringing]
[groans] Hello?
[hotel operator] Miss O'Donnell,
I'm calling to confirm
that Mr. Riley
has officially checked out.
Thank you.
[doorbell ringing]
[door opening]
Hi, sweetie.
- [gasps]
- Hey.
What happened? We've been
trying to call all afternoon.
[Diane] What,
you're still in a robe?
[Sharon] Carol's show
starts in an hour.
I saw Arthur last night.
Oh, fun.
No! I broke up with him
once and for all.
- [Vivian] I did.
- What happened?
He told me
he wanted to invite me
to move to New York with him,
but he realized
he didn't want to change me
because he loves me
the way I am.
And he only wants
to talk to me,
and he only wants
to listen to me.
He told me I was his person.
I'm sorry. I mean,
I'm not actually
following here.
No, me, neither.
You said that he loves you...
as you are?
[Carol] He doesn't
want to change you?
And he wanted to know
your thoughts?
- So you broke up with him?
- Well, yeah, exactly! Duh.
Are you out of your mind?
Okay, where is he?
He checked out
and he's on his way to New York.
Okay. Okay.
Time to get dressed.
[Carol] Yup. That's it, Viv,
you're going after him.
- Get up, get up.
- [Vivian] No! Oh, my God.
What time
is his flight?
- Huh?
- Never mind, I'll figure it out.
She has to put on
something sexy.
she owns is sexy!
I can't... Oh, God!
It is so yucky,
and this is so needy!
Sharon, I am not desperate.
No, you are not.
You are stupid.
No, I am not.
You just... You don't understand.
I know how this story ends,
and I do not like it.
If he has me,
he's gonna get bored.
He hasn't seen me naked
in 40 years!
I know. I'm sorry.
Oh, my God...
I'm no fool!
I know what happens.
He's gonna cheat on me
and leave me
for a younger woman.
And then
I'm gonna lose everything.
And it's just...
it's not worth it!
- Okay, baby, there you go.
- It isn't worth it.
I'm so sorry.
I'm very sorry.
But it had to be done,
all right?
- It's okay.
- His flight leaves in an hour.
- God, are you sure?
- [Sharon] Yes.
Okay, earrings!
Time to go.
- Do I look okay?
- Yes, you look great.
Oh, the girls.
- You want me to put those on?
- Yep. Go.
- Okay!
- Go, go, go, go!
I put a lipstick
and compact in there.
Oh, that's so great!
Oh, thanks.
- Oh, my God, do I look okay?
- Yes! Yes.
[Diane cheers]
- [Sharon] Here we go.
- [Diane] Bye!
- Bye.
- [Vivian] Bye.
My shoes.
Oh, and Carol, your show!
Oh, God, don't be ridiculous.
And Diane...
you're leaving!
Oh, my God, you're leaving.
What am I gonna do?
Oh, God, thank you, guys.
I love you so much.
To the airport, Mario!
[Latin music playing]
[audience cheering]
Okay, that's scary.
[audience cheering]
You're gonna do great!
Gonna do great.
[audience whooping]
[audience cheering]
And that was Jed and Leyla
Sanderson performing!
Hard to believe
she's an anesthesiologist.
Arthur, it's Vivian.
Call me back
before you board your plane.
Mario, are you using Waze?
[Mario] Yes, Miss O'Donnell, but I
don't think we're gonna make it.
And last but not least,
everyone's favorite chef
and our fearless organizer.
Dancing a solo will be...
Carol Colby!
["I'd Do Anything for Love"
by Meat Loaf playing]
Wait. No, no, wait. Sorry.
That's not the right song.
It's supposed to be
"Red, Red Robin Goes Bob, Bob..."
Oh, shoot.
Meat Loaf? Come on!
Aw, screw it.
Oh, my God, she's tap dancing
to Meat Loaf!
And she's pulling it off!
[feet tapping]
[Carol shrieks]
Five, six,
seven, eight...
Oh, my God.
My, oh, my!
How about those Colbys?
A romantic way
to end the show.
Oh God,
I can't believe you're here.
I couldn't miss a chance
to dance with my girl.
- You were incredible.
- No, I wasn't.
None of our steps
go with Meat Loaf.
Who needs the steps?
We were dancing.
I'm sorry. Your cell phone
is poking me.
No, I didn't bring
my cell phone.
- Oh.
- You want to go home now? What do you say?
- I say yes.
- Okay.
I thought you left.
I did.
I went to the airport
to try to see you.
Why are you here?
I realized I...
forgot to give you back
your penny.
Why did you go
to the airport?
I realized
I wanted my penny back.
See, I tried to live without it
for... for the past 40 years.
And I didn't like it.
Do you want
to make a wish?
I do.
Oh, my God, you probably
killed someone.
There's a subroof.
Nancy in my office,
she's in a book club,
and I thought
you might like to meet her.
Well, that's...
that's very sweet.
Anyone else want
another piece of pizza?
I have one.
- Mom.
- What?
You're not hungry?
I guess not.
Well, I mean,
you're probably exhausted.
It's really not okay that you
drove here all by yourself.
At your age, Mom, you could
have killed somebody.
I really don't think so.
And the fact that you
don't even realize that
is what is so scary.
Oh, Jesus! Will you just...
Please stop, okay?
I mean, really!
Oh, my God.
You know how proud I am
of both of you.
The greatest gift I think
a parent can give a child
is to lead by example,
and I don't think
I did a very good job.
But your father...
Oh, my goodness,
he was stable, wasn't he?
And smart and kind.
He was just a great dad.
Fine husband.
And we had a nice life.
But there's something...
I really have to say.
There's a man out there
who makes me feel things
that I didn't think were...
still possible.
You know what he does?
He makes me feel
curious and excited
about the world.
And maybe things with us
will go bust.
Maybe my feelings
will be hurt, but that's life.
And in spite of what
you both seem to think...
I'm not through
living mine just yet.
I have things
that I want to explore.
And guess what? I think
I've earned that right.
So it's time for all of this
to just stop, okay?
You both seem to have very, very
strong parenting instincts.
But do save it
for your children
because your mother
is doing just fine.
I know I'm getting older.
But I'm still learning.
And one of the biggest
lessons I've learned
is not to be afraid
to be happy.
I love you both.
But I'm not
staying here anymore.
Mom! Mom!
Have fun.
Love you.
- Love you, Mom.
- Love you.
- Drive safe!
- [Jill] Bye!
[pop music playing]
Can I come in?
No way.
- No way?
- No way.
- What's in the U-Haul?
- Just my overnight bag.
My inner goddess says,
"Most definitely yes."
[pop music playing]
Oh. Yeah, yeah,
I see the arms.