Book of Love (1990) Movie Script
1
The Book of Love is a book
that's written in the heart of
every horny teenager.
And believe it or not,
it's based on a true story.
Hey, Jack, it's Crutch.
Your divorce papers just came through
and you're flying solo again.
The judge did give her
the house in the country.
But we had to expect
something like that
from a wife who's also a lawyer.
Anyway, speaking of divorces
guess who's back in town
visiting her mother?
A certain old flame of
yours from high school.
Does cute, dark hair
and a pistol ring a bell?
And, Jack, she asked about ya.
See you later alligator, you big stud.
Dark, cute and pistol.
Well, a pistol?
I wonder wonder
who who-oo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Okay.
An old flame from high school.
Connie? Cute, but no pistol.
Darlin' oh you know I do
I've got to see
Bunny...
Find out if it's true
I wonder wonder
...and me.
Who wrote the Book of Love?
So we got shot down,
Captain Midnight.
Life does play its tricks.
But, hey, you wanted
to be successful, you are.
You fought for the girl,
you got her.
You expected
a wonderful marriage.
It was terrible. Yeah.
Don't you wonder if life
could've been different?
Come on back, Jack.
I wonder wonder
Remember who you really are.
I know some things you forgot
some very important things.
Joe, where shall we put...
Baby baby baby
I love you yes I do
Jack, could you take this, please?
Hurry. I gotta meet the
plumber in 20 minutes, let's go.
- Be very careful.
- You guys wanna ride with me?
Yeah, yeah. Can we, mom?
Okay. We don't have
much room anyway.
Jack, please be careful
with the china.
Chapter two you tell her
You're never never never
never never gonna part
In chapter three remember
the meaning of romance
In chapter four you break up
But you give her
just one more chance
See that? That's smoke
from the slag pile.
You is to walk up there,
you'd be dead in no time
from the coal gas.
Wow! A mountain on fire!
What a great neighborhood,
huh, Jack?
You know what happens to you
in a new neighborhood?
- What?
- You get your ass kicked.
I love you darlin'
baby you know I do
But I've got to see
this Book of Love
Find out why it's true
I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Chapter one says to love her
You love her
with all your heart
Chapter two you tell her
You're never never never
never ever gonna part
In chapter three remember
the meaning of romance
In chapter four you break up
But you give her
just one more chance
Hey, mom, did you see
the poisonous mountain?
You'd die in a minute
if you went near it.
Oh, we'll never smell that up here.
Oh I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Hi. Oh, be very careful with that.
It contains a very valuable
comic-book collection
including "White Rider."
In reality, of course,
I am White Rider.
Well, ride this.
Oh I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder who Yeah
Who wrote the Book of Love
- You're the Twillers, right?
- Yeah.
I live down the block.
My name is Paul Kane. Hi.
But everyone just calls me Crutch.
You know, crutch, cane. Get it?
- What happened to your leg?
- I got hit by a beer truck.
I'm gonna get hit
by a beer truck when I grow up.
Yeah, it's a pretty good deal,
you don't have to take out
the garbage, and get
excused from gym class.
- Peanut?
- The chicks love it.
Come on, I'll show you around
the neighborhood.
Alright.
I'm glad you came along,
you know, I thought
a new neighborhood might be trouble.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, I thought
since I was the new kid and everything
somebody might think
they had to kick my ass.
Oh, never happen. Not with
me as your pal at least.
I pull a lot of weight around here.
Crutch, who's that?
It's Angelo Gabooch and his gang.
Just act natural
and I'll handle everything.
Okay.
I thought you said you
carried a lot of weight
around this neighborhood.
Okay, so, we got depants'd.
Worse things could've happened.
Come on, my house
is just around the corner.
Holy shit!
Hi, Crutch. Love your outfit.
Oh, my God!
A blue colossus with red cape!
He's strong, he's brave!
He's gonna sit down
and eat his breakfast.
Boys, I hope you're gonna try and mingle
with the other students today.
Your first day at a new
school's very important.
Right, mom. Mingle. Mingle, Peanut.
Just be prepared to
knuckle down, young man.
Jack, I know it's not gonna be easy
entering a new school in the
middle of your sophomore year.
He's afraid they're gonna
beat the crap out of him.
Peanut, such language!
Don't talk to your mother like that.
Take off that cape
and get dressed properly.
I'm taking you to school.
I'm fighting for the cause of justice!
How would it look if my
mother takes me to school?
Up in the mornin'
and out to school
The teacher is teachin'
the Golden Rule
American history
and practical
This is where Spider Bomboni lives.
His old man's in jail.
- Hello, Spider!
- Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
Spider's a real jerk-off artist,
17 times in one day.
- Oh, that's a lot of pounding.
- True.
But he's got inspiration.
Oh! I wish I had a sister.
- Crutch, hey.
- You don't skip school today.
Yeah, yeah, alright,
keep your shirt on.
Mrs. Bomboni, I'd like you
to meet a new kid in the nei...
You're all fuckin' bums.
- Ma, can I have a quarter?
- I'll give you a quarter.
Spider, meet Jack Twiller.
He just moved into the neighborhood.
Hey, you lay a buck on me and
come around at night and
watch my sister take a bath.
He's got a hole drilled
in the bathroom wall,
a perfect view. Worth a buck.
Every Friday night, right, Spider?
- Right.
- Sounds good to me.
So you got any hot books, Spider?
Oh, yeah. Check this out, huh?
I just got these in yesterday.
Look at this.
- Candy and Derwoord go camping.
- Sounds educational.
Hey, you learn something new
with me every day, jerk-off.
- It'll cost you two bucks.
- No problem.
That's what lunch money's for.
Look at this.
Now, this one's my favorite...
"For not by any calm
and indolent spoutings
"not by the peaceable gush
of that
"mystic fountain in his head
"did the white whale
now reveal his vicinity
"but by the far more wondrous
phenomenon of breaching.
"Rising with his utmost velocity
from the furthest depths
"the sperm whale
thus booms his entire bulk
"into the pure element of air
"and piling up a mountain of
dazzling foam, shows his place
"to the distance
of seven miles and more.
"In those moments,
the torn, enraged waves
"he shakes off, seem his mane.
"In some cases, this breaching
is his act of defiance.
"There, she breaches!
"There she breaches" was the cry
"as in his immeasurable
bravadoes
"the white whale tossed himself
salmon-like to heaven."
Alright, class. For tomorrow,
chapter seven, please.
Hurry up, Steve, okay? I'll be...
Hearts made of stone
Hey, Spider.
For the love
you have for them
That's Gina Gabooch.
She's cute, but don't go near her.
You can ask them please
She's Angelo's sister.
And all of your love
Is there to take
Remember Lily's friend Wanda?
Bazungas really make
a statement, don't they?
You love them
Actually, Wanda and I've got
something going there.
Hey, Wanda, I can finally
introduce you to Jack Twiller.
Get lost, creep.
Please please please break
Here comes Lily, smart, rich
and the princess of my wet dreams.
Hey, let's try to make an impression.
Did you see that? She couldn't
take her eyes off of me.
I gotta get to class.
I'll see you later.
No no no no no no
everybody knows
I told you you should've spent
your time looking for gold
instead of those worthless
old relics no one would want.
Oh, fine relic-hunter I am, Tim.
I just missed a chance
to get a silver bullet
from the Lone Ranger.
Get washed up, boys.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
You better get
Wildroot Cream or Charlie
Start using it today
You'll find that you will have
a tough time Charlie
Keeping all the gals away
mm-mm-mm-mm
It isn't any news who Lily
will chose. The Wildroot guy.
Come on, Twiller, give it a try.
Go get some right away
Jack, you okay?
I'm fine.
The Lone Ranger, a copyright...
I met a girl today.
Her name's Anita Krump.
Her braids stick out.
She wears white socks with
little flowers around them.
I love her little socks.
Oh, she says if I gave her a ring
I could go out with her.
So help me pick out one.
Let's see, maybe the zombie skull ring
or...
my straight arrow
golden-nugget picture ring.
Did you meet any girls today?
Yeah.
- Did they want a ring?
- No.
Well, if they do,
you can have one of mine.
Boys, dinner!
You're a good man, Peanut.
Oh we're the men of Texaco
w work from Maine to Mexico
There's nothing
like this Texaco of ours
Our show tonight is powerful
We'll wow you
with an hour full of howls
From this shower
full of stars
Jack, are you meeting any girls?
There are kids in my class, ma
and, yes, some of them are girls.
Oh. Ha.
Did you know that I once won
a ballroom dance contest?
Quiet, please. I am
trying to watch this.
Dancing is a very
important part of dating.
The boys who can dance
have their pick of the girls.
And since I know that you would
never do this on your own
Crutch's mother and I
have enrolled you
both in dance class.
Mom, I do not wanna take dance lessons.
Oh, don't be silly, dear.
You will love them.
Ma, I'm a clod.
I can't, I can't do that.
Jack, you're going to love dancing.
- Won't he, Joe?
- Claude, absolutely.
And this is a wonderful program.
It isn't just ballroom dancing,
but tap dancing as well.
Oh, that's different.
Tap dancing?
Let me see those taps. Let me hear 'em.
Very good, boys and girls.
Alright, and a turn.
Right, watch your arms. Make me believe.
Let's keep smiling.
Everyone keep smiling.
Alright. Shuffle there, two, three.
Keep smiling.
What's she doing here?
Right, and up those stairs.
Hokey pokey and up
the stairs. Very good.
Good. Very, very good, Lily.
Alright now, beginners
in the next room, please.
- Boy, am I glad that's over.
- No kidding.
- How's your knee?
- It's killing me.
But dancing's my life.
I'm dedicated. You know what I mean?
- Jack.
- You know what, Crutch?
I've been thinking about the
stair routine and
there's definitely something
that just doesn't work about t...
Wait. Jack.
- Oh!
- Jack! Oh...
Oh.
- Are you alright?
- Yeah, yeah.
Special roll, you do it
right, you don't get hurt.
Look, you have a huge lump on your head.
It's part of the routine.
- Well, I hope you're okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay. Bye.
- Thank you.
Oh...
- You think Lily was impressed?
- Oh, definitely.
I mean, the way you took
all those steps on your head
hey, she had to be impressed.
I think I broke a rib.
I think she's gonna
remember that number
for a long time to come.
Guy rolls down 25 stairs,
comes up dancing.
Hey, tell me about it.
It's Angelo.
Gina.
Gather around me buddies
Hold your glasses high
And drink to a fool
because I...
My problem is I'm just not cool.
I gave Anita Krump a
ring with her name on it.
Yeah? Where'd you get that?
I sent away.
It took six Crispy Box tops.
Her name glows in the dark.
Now I have to meet her at
the movies every Saturday.
She wears a training bra.
Why? She's gonna
do tricks with her tits?
Is that something
girls have to train for?
I suppose you went through this
when you were my age, huh, Jack?
No. You bring something
all your own to it, Peanut.
Okay, time for bed, boys.
Come on.
My tent won't stay up, Jack.
A good stiff pole is the
answer to your tent, Lily.
Open your flaps and I'll take a look.
Oh, Jack, you really got me pegged.
So what are we gonna
do for spring vaca...
Oh, you know what,
I heard that Lily
and Wanda are gonna be camping
at the Blue Lake.
Oh, this is it.
You hang around, you tap-dance
and then finally you get a big break.
Long walks, private picnics,
just us and them at Blue Lake!
What an opportunity!
Crutch's mother and I
have already discussed it.
You're going to Ranger camp together.
Mom, you cannot do this to me.
Look, Crutch and I already
made special plans.
You are going to Ranger camp.
Now, Jack, I don't like to say this
but you are too much involved
with your small clique of friends.
Just moping around the neighborhood.
Now, at Ranger camp you'll learn
to mix with new boys
from all walks of life.
Mom, I haven't been to a
Ranger meeting all year!
I know. And it's been a
great disappointment to me.
The uniform is so becoming on you.
The Ranger's creed
we can't forget
Hurrah hurrah
We're lighting
the signal lamp again
Hurrah hurrah
The compass
points the way to go
We'll sleep beside
the fire's glow
And we'll all be there when
the Rangers go marching home
So, boys, as we come to the close
of the first day of Ranger jamboree
I would like to remind you
of the Ranger credo.
Serve your friends
surmount your foe...
...and do your duty.
Goodnight, men.
It's not so bad after all.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's okay.
I mean, it seems like a pretty
good bunch of guys, you know?
No, that's it. Later for the girls.
We're in it together, till the end.
Bonds of new friendship, camaraderie.
Hey, I wonder who's in our tent.
Hey, join the party, dorks.
Schank's birthday, so we decided
to give him a candle.
Happy birthday, Schank.
Guys.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Schank
Happy birthday to you
- Make a wish, Schank.
- Help.
Guys, the mosquitoes
are gonna eat him alive.
- I'm gonna undo him, okay?
- Don't touch those chains.
I was just joking, Angelo.
I mean, sitting around by candle light
that's what's scouting's all about.
Yeah, tomorrow we get
a big pink candle for you two.
We'll light 'em up real nice, huh, Ang?
Alright, men, extinguish that candle.
Shit.
Sweet dreams, Twiller.
What about Schank?
You're right.
We can't leave him here.
Oh, they'll hear us trying
to take his chains off
and they'll beat the crap out of us.
Then we'll take him chains and all.
Turn left, turn left.
Look out.
Watch your step.
Get...
- It'll be okay.
- No.
It's, it's no good. I can't
see where I'm going, Crutch.
We need a light.
Sorry, Schank.
We gotta do it.
Come on, guys. Aren't we safe yet?
You broke your father's heart
by leaving Ranger camp
after only one day.
Yeah, but, mom, that
one day was so perfect
nothing else could
hold a candle to it.
Well, Jack, you've got to
start thinking of your future
of expanding your boundaries.
Have you given anymore
thought to becoming a teacher?
I've been thinking about
becoming a writer.
Oh, Jack, everybody
knows writers starve.
I think it's very nice that
Floyd asked you over
while we go out to play canasta.
I understand he's quite a gentleman.
Oh.
I hope some of that rubs off on you.
- Hello, hello.
- Hi, how are you?
- Come on in. Come on, this way.
- Oh, what a lovely home!
Welcome, Jack.
- Hi.
- Floyd.
I want you to meet Jack's mother.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
It's very nice to meet you, too.
Oh, my!
Oh! What a lovely living room.
Your father's going to Rotary, Floyd
and we'll be home around 11:00.
You may have a get
together of friends.
- Thank you, mother.
- Oh.
You boys enjoy yourselves.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
My mother thinks you'll be
a good influence on me.
Earth angel earth angel
Would you be mine?
Will you be mine?
My darling dear
Whoa whoa
Love you all of the time
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you
Whoo
That was fuckin' great!
- That was great!
- Music!
- And now, and now...
- What?
For something a little special.
- You know, you can't sing.
- My famous creme de menthe.
- Oh! Open it.
- Rock and rye.
- Peppermint schnapp.
- Too much...
- Right.
- Peach-flavored brandy.
- My throat is...
- Some of that, whatever it is.
High ball.
A garnish of raisin, perhaps,
for you, Twill. This is for you.
- My friend, Jack Twiller.
- That's your drink.
- Please try.
- It's good.
Oh.
Yeah, it's, smooth.
- Yes.
- Very smooth.
Hey, make some calls.
Now we want some pussy.
- Yeah.
- Go to L.
- That's a good idea.
- L.
There's nothing but sluts in here.
- Yeah.
- That's what we want. Sluts!
Okay, well...
Just tell her, tell her
Jack Kerouac called.
That's right. Well, thank
you, Mrs. Zimmerman.
By the way, what are
you doing right now?
Oh, okay, alright. Bye.
Smooth, very smooth.
So?
- So I made 23 calls.
- And?
- And nobody's coming.
- Damn it!
We never get any breaks.
Looks like one more party with the boys.
Oh, shit! It's gonna turn into
another dick-measuring contest.
Hey, guys. The back door was open.
Schanky! Schank.
Hey, Schank, you see
any chicks on the way?
I just saw Lily and Wanda.
I told them to fall by.
Lily and Wanda?
Lily and Wanda?
They're back from Blue Lake!
Do you realize what this means?
Crutch...
I've never been drunk before.
Gettin' high gettin' high
gettin' high gettin' high
Gettin' high gettin' high
I'm just a fool
Five and two-sixteenths.
- Five inches...
- Schank is the winner.
Give me that fuckin' thing.
I missed a half inch of root.
You'd have lost anyway. Look.
Guys, it's not the size of the ship
it's the motion of the ocean.
A toast to the gang
that will never die.
Here's to the future.
- To the future!
- Yeah.
I'm just a fool a fool in love...
So we got older and
the hormones got bolder.
We noticed other girls.
No, we knew they were there.
But it always came back
to Lily, Lily. Lily.
I wish Lily could see me like this.
Forget it. She and
Angelo are going steady.
How can she go steady
with a prick like Angelo?
The worst prick you are,
the more chicks seem to like it.
The thing you got to do
is practice on your sneer.
You looks like you got your
nuts caught in a meat grinder.
Yeah, but the basic
attitude is there, you know?
You guys know that Angelo's
got colleges scouting him
already, I mean, he's
probably gonna go out
and play pro football or something.
Yeah, I got my career choices
narrowed down to either
dentist, chiropodist or a
certified public accountant.
Yeah, you'd be a
certified public asshole.
Okay, now get me the
work light over there.
Hey, Spider, what do
you figure on being?
Hey, I'm gonna marry some rich
old lady who's soft in the head.
- Hold the light right there.
- Oh, right, you got a plan.
That's what I'm always
saying, you know, like
for the senior prom,
it's only 55 days away.
And already I'm working
overtime to get a date for it.
Yeah, fuck the prom.
Only squares wear tuxedos.
Crutch, the light.
I just about got it.
You gotta know how to find a
bargain like this and fix it up.
You know, Snake's Junkyard has
a '53 Chevy convertible for sale.
- For 60 bucks.
- Yeah, what's wrong with it?
Well, it needs a little
work. It's underwater.
Oh, great, just right for you, Twill.
I wish to hell I was
mechanically inclined.
Yeah, well, you can start
by getting me the vise grips
on the work bench there.
Hey, big guy. Wanna change my oil?
Enroll in our expert
mechanics course today.
Our fully-illustrated
textbooks show you
how to always keep yourself greasy
look sexy and master your own tool.
Come on, Twiller, the vise grips.
- Vise grips.
- Yeah.
Ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah
Ooh-ah ooh-ah
Why do fools fall in love?
Why do birds sing so gay?
- Hey, shithead.
- So what do you think, Angie?
Wanna play with the gears?
In that junk heap?
With those yo-yos? Anytime.
Crutch, can you hand me
the vise grips, please?
Right.
Fall in love
Vise grips, Crutch.
Love is a losing game
Vise grips.
And love can be a shame
I know of a fool...
Be nice, Angelo.
Hand me the half-inch socket, Crutch.
You're an ace mechanic, Twiller.
Alright, get your stupid
shirt out of my fan belt.
Listen to that, huh?
Listen to that.
That's it, motherfucker.
We're ready to burn.
Well be-bop-a-lula
she's my baby
- Spider?
- Give me a fucking break.
- What's going on, Spider?
- What? What is this?
This is not supposed to happen, right?
This is nice, Spider.
Oh! Oh, man!
Hey, hey, get some sand
or something, quick!
Oh...
Fix this.
Oh, shit! My car!
Hurry up, man, get some sand.
Hurry up! Throw it on!
- Well, what do we have here?
- Spider, this isn't working!
What are we gonna do?
Piss on it.
- It's gonna blow!
- Oh, shit!
Hey, I saw one blow
at Cahoach's garage.
Sent the gas tank
right through the roof.
- The water put it out.
- She's not gonna blow.
- Whoa!
- Jesus Christ! Oh.
Fuck!
No, you're jealous,
you know, all you had to do
was close your eyes and swing...
Hey, Jacky.
I've got some important news for you.
Yeah?
What about?
Lily got in a fight with Angelo.
She'll be in the playground
if you wanna meet her later.
Why? What am I supposed to do?
If I have to tell you that, you
might as well not bother going.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So I hear you won
the game for Central.
I hear you and Angelo had a fight.
- Who told you that?
- I don't know.
I just, kind of just
heard it someplace.
Well, so what if we did?
Right. Right.
It's no business of mine.
Do you wanna go to the movies?
- What's playing?
- Oh, it's a Jimmy Dean flick.
I hear it's really tough,
you know, I thought, you know
maybe we can catch like a four
o'clock show or something?
Don't you have to change?
No, I'm comfortable.
Well, okay.
Great.
- Alright.
- Let's go.
So are you, are you
still in dancing class?
- Yeah.
- You know...
You look great on stage.
I mean, you know,
you're a terrific dancer...
Well, thanks. So are you.
Come on, I got two left feet.
Well, maybe you just
need the right partner.
Is Angelo helping out tonight?
- Don't ask me.
- Are you worried...
About him seeing you with me?
Why should I worry?
Tired of getting sand
kicked in your face?
Train with Gorilla Nuts Store
muscle-worker, you build power
personality, and the
physically-perfect male.
Do people stand around
and laugh while bullies
shove candles up your ass?
If so, send today for your copy
of Bull Dig Judo made easy.
A perfect companion piece to
the Gorilla Nuts muscle-worker.
You know what? Why don't we
just cross the street right here?
It's a really good short...
No, Jack, let's go this way.
You know what? We might
be late for the show.
- There's a bus. We can ju...
- Come on, Jack.
Now, we don't wanna
be late for the show.
I bet you like to sit up in the
balcony where we can make out.
Jack, you know, I just remembered.
I have to babysit tonight.
You know, I'm really sorry. I
don't mean to disappoint you.
- No, no, it's okay.
- Well, do you have a car?
You know, you could drive
me home or something.
No, but you know, I will
be getting one very soon.
V-8 motor and this modern design
Black convertible top
and the gals don't mind
Yes it's great
just won't wait
Everybody likes
my Rocket '88
Baby we'll ride in style
movin' all along
Seventy bucks.
- I thought you said 60.
- What?
For a set of wheels like this?
Come on, I ain't got all day.
Sixty is all I've got, though.
One moment, this mystery brick
contains more riches than you...
And when I will get this
open, you will see the...
Stand back.
Hey! Well, it's open now.
You guys got yourself a sweet machine.
Hey, this was Vinnie Van Dura's car.
Hey, we really got something here.
Vinnie was doing over
a 100 when he rolled it.
Paid in full.
Enjoy the ride, boys.
Thanks, Peanut.
Wow.
It's the basic wheels.
Now we're gonna fix her up.
You could come and
help me get some junk
and we could decorate the house.
Sure.
And we'll get balloons
and, oh, what
kids' stuff, birthday stuff...
We can go to the five-and-ten.
Will you do it?
I'd like to.
I'm sort of, sort of...
I found my image.
I got my wheels. I'm
gonna ask her to the prom.
Go, right now!
I'm going.
Where are we going?
Peanut, there are just some
things a brother must do alone.
Oh-oh yes
I'm the great pretender
Pretending
that I'm doing well
My need is such
I pretend too much
I'm lonely
but no one can tell
Oh-oh yes
I'm the great pretender
Oh, hi, Jack.
Well, what a surprise.
So, hey, you got a new car.
That's, that's great.
Yeah.
Probably...
...slap a new motor into her.
Good for you. You
must be very excited.
It's only a car.
So do you wanna come in?
Sit down.
Jack, I'm sorry
but I've already made
plans for tonight.
Did you wanna see me about something?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I...
I wanted to...
I wanted to ask you...
Will you...
I...
I gotta go.
I really screwed up, Floyd.
I mean, I had a golden
opportunity, and I blew it.
Her wall looked like someone
threw a hamburger at it.
Well, look at it this way. You
left an indelible impression.
Okay, Jack, we're on our way.
Last time you went to a convention
Jack put me in the washing machine.
Oh, Peanut, now don't be ridiculous.
Wash, soak and spin.
Now, I want no eating over my new rug.
And, Jack, you may have
one friend stay overnight
and I hope it will be Floyd.
- Why, thank you, Mrs. Twiller.
- Well, Floyd.
You're a perfect gentleman.
And I know the kind of influence
that you have over Jack.
Let's go, Kitty!
Coming, Joe.
Okay, boys, be good.
- Bye, ma.
- Let's go! Bye, kids!
Yeah, Twiller's got an empty house.
Yeah, it's a sophisticated
little gathering.
Well, there's new
records, there's dancing.
Oh darling
Oh oh oh
No, no, no, nothing violent.
It's a mature crowd.
- Oh-ho!
- Listen.
I'll have to call you back.
My lover I was wrong
Well, your mother will
shit a brick about this.
- Gina!
- Oh, hang back.
Angelo kicks the shit out of
anyone who goes near her.
That my lover
Right. Right, okay.
- Who needs her?
- Right.
For you
Welcome to the manor!
You
Hi, baby, how you doin'?
- Fuck off.
- Hey, you wanna dance?
- No.
- I'm a trained dancer.
I might surprise you.
Can you believe this?
Real live chicks in my place!
This is the party event of the season!
Yes!
Hi, Wanda. You look real sharp.
Don't bother me. Did
my friends get here?
Listen. You know, you
don't know me very well.
- That's the way I wanna keep...
- No, you know, we have a...
We have a lot in common. We
have a lot of the same interests.
And we like the same music, right?
And we like the same clothes.
For instance, I really like
that dress you're wearing.
You don't give up, do you?
Defeat is not in my vocabulary.
For you ooh
Looks like a pretty wild party,
wonder what they did
with Twiller's little brother.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Hey! Great! Yay!
Well it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
Fool about my money
don't try to save
My heart said
go go have a time
'Cause it's Saturday night
and I'm feelin' fine
I'm gonna rock it up
I'm gonna rip it up
I'm gonna shake it up
gonna ball it up
Go, baby, go!
I'm gonna rock it up
and ball tonight ow
Bad.
Well it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
Fool about my money
don't try to save
My heart said
go go have a time 'cause...
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
- Looking good, baby.
- Right through to the studs.
Yeah, look at the
electric wiring by his ear.
- Let's go. Good.
- I got him.
Crutch, I don't feel good.
You okay, Spider?
- Oh...
- You're okay.
Well, we gotta tie him up
before he burns the place down.
We can't tie him up, he's our pal.
We can roll him up in the rug.
Good idea.
Hey.
What's he doing with a cap pistol?
- Image.
- Oh. Right.
- Ready?
- Roll.
- You got him? Good.
- Yeah.
That's it, I got him. There you...
That's good.
- Yeah.
- He's out of the way.
But he can still enjoy himself.
Here, fall in love.
I hope you die.
Hey, Peanut. She's very cute.
Sincerely
I'm in the game now.
A full-fledged member.
That's cool.
'Cause I love you so dearly
I'm going through a
difficult change in life.
Ba-doh ba-doh
Sincerely
Oh you know how I
- Hi.
- Hi, Jack.
- You have wild parties.
- Gina, over here.
You have beautiful eyes.
Are you drunk?
Yeah.
You wanna dance?
Lord won't you tell me why
I love that girlie...
You know, I knew there was
a reason for this party.
Oh, and what is it?
You.
I caught a glimpse of my future.
Well, you should have a
crystal ball and a turban.
Know all, tell all.
Sincerely
The future is revealed.
Oh you know how I love you
You know, if Angelo
comes and catches us...
Hey!
Do anything for you
You let me worry about Angelo.
Please say you'll be mine
Ba-doh ba-doh ba-doh
Oh Lord
won't you tell me why
I love that girlie so
Do you have a pencil in your pocket?
She doesn't want me
Yeah.
Yeah.
Never let her go
Sincerely
Ba-doh Oh you know
- Look at us.
- I am.
I'll do anything for you
Please say you'll be mine
Twiller.
- Upstairs. Looting.
- What?
Pillage. Your mother's
underwear is involved.
Excuse me.
Oo-eee oo-eee-oo
ooi-ooi-ooo
- Hey, where you going, Floyd?
- Hey, what's the big deal?
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Relax. We're just having
a little fashion show here.
Give me that.
Are these pearls real?
I want you two girls out of here.
Back off.
I need your love so badly
No, you back off.
Whoa, calm down. Wait a minute,
don't do anything weird.
- I'll shoot you.
- Relax, I'm taking it off.
Look, there's nothing,
and I'm sorry... Jeez...
That was great! That was...
You took complete
control of the situation.
Whoa. Wait a second.
I just pointed a gun
at Angelo's sister.
He, he's not gonna know
that this, this is a
this is a cap gun, Floyd,
he's gonna pound my head
into pepperoni.
To hell with him.
Okay. To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
I love you so
and I want you to know
I need your love so badly
Smooth. Very smooth.
- Everybody clear.
- Hey, Twiller's got a gun.
Stand back. Clear.
Twiller? Don't shoot that.
It's not a cap gun.
- Yeah, right.
- It's dangerous.
Converted chambers, I put real
bullets in it, you asshole.
- Give me that...
- You're crazy.
- He's kinda cool, no?
- Yeah, too cool.
Let's get out of here.
I left my sweater upstairs!
Hey, Crutch.
Bye. Take care.
I don't know, Crutch.
I think I'm finally starting
to get it together at last.
Definitely.
You so
and I want you to know
I need your love so badly
You say Floyd stumbled and
his head went through the wall?
Yeah, yea...
We were, you know, playing canasta
and he tripped over the carpet
and put his head right through the wall.
- This is very strange.
- Yeah.
- Sounds very unlikely.
- Yeah...
It was a surprise to me, too, mom.
And the couch? Jack?
Something very odd went on in
this house while we were gone.
All of my jewelry and underclothes
have been rearranged.
Could have been a panty raid, mom.
My panties are not in
the habit of being raided.
You are trash and
your friends are trash.
And, Jack
if you do not get into some college
I don't even care
which one anymore...
...you are not my son.
Oh. Then whose son am I?
Mr. Smart Alex.
Twiller, I read your career folio.
It doesn't seem realistic.
Sir?
Your career folio isn't
grounded in reality.
Now, these folios of your
fellow classmates are realistic.
They're based on what I like
to call the facts of life.
Facts of life, my boy.
The facts of life.
Now, what would you say
to a job in the button mill?
Well, my, you know, my parents
want me to go to college, sir.
With your grades, they'll
have to build you one.
Unless, of course, you
have any other ideas.
Well, I like to write.
You know, I got a vivid imagination.
Twiller, you're what
I like to call a daydreamer.
In my experience,
daydreamers don't go anywhere.
Yeah, well, I can't believe that, sir.
Twiller, I couldn't even get you
into bird-grooming school.
- Bird-grooming school?
- Yeah.
Probably canary, stuff like that.
You ask anybody yet?
You think I put off
something that important
my own senior prom?
Twenty-five definite turndowns.
You know, I think
Lily's really starting
to like me, I'm gonna ask her.
Too late, she's going with Angelo.
- Are you sure?
- That's what Wanda told me.
No, are you absolutely sure?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey, let's fall by the
fairgrounds on Saturday
we might pick up some
student nurses or something.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe the bearded
lady's not doing anything.
Ice cream! Ice cream!
- Yeah, let's go.
- Get your ice cream.
Should be a deeply-moving performance.
It's time for your
higher education, Peanut.
Alright, fellas, enjoy
the show. Go ahead in.
Step right up, gentlemen, next
show starts in a few minutes.
Yeah, can I... Just
one ticket? Right there.
- How old is this guy?
- Oh, he's my uncle.
They're all short on
their side of the family.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Alright, gentlemen, step right up
and see the lovely Honey Moon.
Next show's in just a few minutes.
Whether you're young,
whether you're old
she'll make you feel the same way.
Step right up, don't be afraid.
The next show is in just a few minutes.
Come on, step right up here.
There's Wanda.
I'm gonna try to win her a Shmoo.
Take care of yourself.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Five rings, please.
Take it off.
Tell your fortune, mister?
- Nah.
- Hot sex, one dollar.
Wanda didn't want my Shmoo.
But I got something else going.
Cn I have extra onions on that?
Crutch, the weirdest thing
just happened to me.
This girl offered me
hot sex for a dollar.
Why didn't you come and get me?
Crutch, she was just,
like, nine years old.
So what? My Cocker Spaniel's only five.
Gina's over there.
She asked about you.
- I think she's interested.
- Yeah?
Yeah, ever since you
took that shot at her.
Hey, hotshot.
So where is your pistol?
Got anymore wild parties planned?
What have you been drinking?
Mouth wash.
You're a pretty far-out
guy, you know that?
Last chance, folks. Closing up.
Take your souvenir. One last shot.
Tough night tonight, huh?
Tomorrow's another day.
Okay, Maury. See you, Manana.
Show is over. Go on home.
What are you looking at?
You're not like women from around here.
That's for damn sure.
Do you think... I could
have your autograph?
It's not usually my
autograph guys ask me for.
Ms. Moon.
I feel feverish
and disoriented.
Those are the
symptoms, aren't they?
Hey...
You're gonna be some
heart-breaker when you grow up.
I don't think I can handle this, Crutch.
Go on! Give her the horn.
She showed interest, didn't
she? Seize the moment.
No, I'm no good on the phone with girls.
Alright, look, I'll get you started.
"Hi, Gina, this is Jack."
Sounds great.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Perfect.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Hello.
- Hi Jack, this is Gina.
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo just hung up on me.
We're not taking that crap from him.
We've got a prepared speech here.
Alright, if Angelo answers the door
don't take any shit from him, okay?
Tell him you're selling
magazine subscriptions.
Okay, and, if he hangs me
upside down over the railing...
- You know what to do, right?
- Right.
Get your car keys if they
fall out of your pocket.
Exactly.
Why don't you leave
your car keys with me?
Good idea.
Yeah?
Gina home?
No.
Do you know when she's gonna be back?
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo! What's the matter with you?
Beat it out of here, idiot.
How you doin'?
Okay.
So what brings you up this way?
You know, I just...
I was just, you know, rolling by.
Don't mind Angelo. He's
just like that sometimes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, my Gaucho shirt
was a little small anyway.
Room in there now for two Gauchos.
Angelo thinks he's a hero or somethin'.
That your convertible out there?
Yeah.
Interesting.
Do you wanna go to the prom?
It's only three days away, that doesn't
give me much time, you know?
You're right. I don't know.
I must have written down
the days wrong or somethin'.
Do you wanna go?
You send me a corsage or do I buy one?
Oh, I buy one.
I mean, you know, that's, you know
that's what I heard the guy...
The guys usually buy the corsages.
You know, but if you've
heard something different...
No.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Pick you up around 8:00?
Alright, cool.
- Okay.
- Hey...
Tell Angelo just lay
off a little bit. He...
Oh, Angelo's really a
pussycat. Believe me.
Yeah, sure.
See ya. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'm on.
- Way to go.
Did you see me move in
there right past Angelo?
After he set you back down, yeah.
It looked like a really smooth move.
Well, that's your date.
Now what about me?
Oh, I thought you said you
were working on someone.
It's a long shot.
Your cummerbund, sir.
Your clip-on tie.
Your Bruce Wayne look-alike jacket.
Your pimple cream.
Yeah. Come on in.
Have a seat. Gina's still gettin' ready.
He's crazy about you.
I can remember the first time I saw you
like it was yesterday.
We had just been introduced.
You felt...
You're taking Lily to the prom, right?
Yeah.
No point in picking her up yet.
She likes to take her time.
- Oh.
- You know, I spotted...
How is football going? You...
You got scholarship, right?
Yeah. Hey, ma, what's keepin' Gina?
We're coming.
You in a hurry?
No, actually. Hell, no.
She likes to take her
time, too. They all do.
Yeah.
It's okay by me.
She looks so beautiful!
Looks alright, ain't she, ma?
We're very happy you're taking Gina.
She told us all about you.
You know, every boy who
graduates from Central High
has a great future ahead of him.
And now a word from a distinguished
Central High graduate.
Here at Mid Valley
Bird-Grooming College
you'll learn all the secrets
of a certified bird-groomer.
Enroll now and enjoy prestige
pride and high pay in
this unusual profession.
Ma, I think we gotta get going.
Yes, yes, go on, the both of you.
Have a wonderful evening.
You both look so nice.
Anybody lays a hand on my sister
I kick his slats in.
Right. Absolutely.
And then I tear off his nose.
Yeah.
Hold me hold me
Hold me hold me
Never let me go...
School motto. You know what it means?
Yeah, something about rectums.
Hold me hold me
Hold me hold me
Make me tell you
I'm in love with you
Thrill me thrill me
Thrill me thrill me
Walk me down the lane
where shadows will be
Will be will be
Will be
Hiding lovers just the
same as we'll be we'll be...
- You wanna dance?
- Sure.
Tell you I love you...
It's a lot of skirt.
Yeah, it's kind of big.
No, it's not.
It's gorgeous.
You're gorgeous.
You really know how to dance.
Well, you know, I took a few lessons.
Yeah.
Hey, Crutch.
They told me be sensible
with your new love
So what did you say you were
gonna do after you graduate?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I can, you know, go on
to work at the button mill.
Oh, jeez! I worked there last summer.
- You don't wanna go there. No.
- No? Damn it!
My guidance counselor,
he wanted me to take it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, he doesn't know
what kind of guy you are.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
What kind of guy is that?
I don't know.
Kind of original.
Kind of unique.
Miss me miss me
If we ever say adieu
so kiss me
Kiss me kiss me
Kiss me
Never never never
Let me go
See you later alligator
Well I saw my baby walkin'
with another man today
Well I saw my baby walkin'
with another man today
Well I asked her what's the matter
This is what I heard her say
See you later alligator
after a while crocodile
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
Can't you see you're in my way?
Ms. Stuck-Up.
She acts like she gets
whatever she wants.
She even thinks she's gonna
become a lawyer or somethin'.
Made me lose my head...
She can have what she wants.
- Wanna dance?
- Yeah.
Reminded her of what she said
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
Well can't you see
you're in my way now?
Well can't you see
you cramp my style?
She said
I'm sorry pretty daddy
You know
my love is just for you
She said
I'm sorry pretty daddy
You know my love is just for you
Won't you say that you forgive me?
And say your love for me is true
I said wait a minute 'gator
You know you mean it just for play
I said wait a minute 'gator
I know you mean it just for play
Don't you know you really hurt me?
And this is what I have to say
It's a time for joy a time for tears
A time we'll treasure
through the years
We'll remember always
I guess tonight it all
comes to an end, huh?
I mean, I get my diploma.
I can walk straight
out into the world
and get a job at Carvel,
peeling bananas.
No, you'll find somethin'.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You're right, I mean, there's
gotta be a college out there
that, that's looking for a
guy with a vivid imagination.
Yeah. Meanwhile, I...
I got my wheels, I got my buddies.
I've got...
You don't have to be home
yet or anything, do you?
No, my mom knows a prom
date lasts all night.
Oh, I thought maybe
we'd drive by the Lookout
and check out the situation.
Yeah. We can see real
good from up there.
Oh, yeah.
You can see the whole city, like...
Right, right. It's a hell of a view.
Yeah.
What the hell?
- What's wrong?
- The lights.
- I saw.
- Like that.
I better check this out.
Why are you doing this to me?
It's my big night.
This is the headlight
wire right here, ain't it?
Yeah.
This wire is all rusted through.
Oh, well, it was underwater for a while.
You're fucked, pal.
I'll tell you what?
I'll drive, you shine the flashlight.
Okay.
Alright!
This is no big deal.
I mean, anyone can drive
with the lights on, right?
Right.
We'll just stay right in the middle.
Hey! Hey, slow down!
Hey, he can't see us, Jack.
- Hey, stupid, slow down!
- Hey, get down!
- Ain't this somethin'?
- We'll make it.
Alright. Let's go!
This is a real kick. I love it!
Yeah, the unforgettable touch.
You know, I'm not nervous anymore.
The prom made me nervous.
Could you tell?
Yeah, I was kind of nervous, too.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Now it's just the two of us
against the odds, right?
Right.
Yeah.
What can I do...
So what are you gonna
do for the summer, Gina?
Oh. I'm workin' at Luna Pizza.
- Luna Pizza?
- Yeah.
That's a really
good crust.
Very crisp, actually.
Yeah.
Your dry eye oh oh oh...
God! Look at the moon.
It's beautiful, ain't it?
Yeah.
I'm glad we could see it, you know?
Just gotta remember it.
Yeah, to kind of, like, look back on.
Yeah, a souvenir-like.
Yeah, souvenir.
Oh oh how will it feel?
So you've been thinking
about college, right?
Oh, yeah. I...
That whole college thing
just gets me down. Yeah.
So if you could do anything you wanted
like, right now, what
would you wanna do?
Anything?
Not, like, right this moment, I mean...
Maybe next week or somethin'.
Wow.
I guess, you know
I'd like to travel or see the country.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
That's what I'd wanna
do if I was graduating.
Yeah, but if I do
my mother says she's gonna
hang herself in the attic.
She won't.
No, no, she will.
They never do.
To make you understand
Oh oh
What can I do do do do
Do do do do?
What can I do?
- Find the switch?
- That was a little...
Hey, we've got a winner here!
Alright, Floyd.
Okay, I owe you five bucks.
Just hang out one...
Thanks.
- Well...
- It's about time!
Hey, Twiller.
What took you so long, huh?
- Hey, how'd it go?
- I just got back.
- I just took her home.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Did you score?
Come on, guys, on a prom date?
How'd you guys do?
- Oh! I mean it was prom night.
- Oh, yeah.
- Prom night.
- Banging all night.
- Four, five times.
- Yeah.
- So wanna go for a ride?
- Oh, dude!
- The tank is almost empty.
- Hey, not anymore.
- Ha-ha!
- Alright, let's go!
Come on baby
let the good times roll
Come on baby let me thrill
your soul come on baby
Slow down. Spider, this
is a sensitive machine.
All night long...
- Yeah, let's go!
- Oh, crap!
- We graduated!
- We're movin' on and movin' up.
The world's our fuckin' oyster!
Here we go!
Watch out, buddy...
And now the future is revealed.
For starters, I finally landed Lily.
It was the night at the
prom when she saw me
with Gina that did it.
We did not live happily ever after.
And the rest of the gang,
well, Crutch, Crutch
God bless him, he's my lawyer.
An expert in all kinds
of unfortunate accidents.
Come on baby...
And Spider, Spider did, in fact
marry a rich old lady
who's soft in the head.
Come on baby let the good time
Floyd landed just where
you might guess he would
bedded down, so to speak.
Teaching poetry at a
girls' school back east.
And Peanut, thanks
to questionable influence
he's now producing
showgirl reviews in Vegas.
As for me, that vivid
imagination served me well
and I became a writer, after all.
And right now I think I'm ready to write
a hot new chapter
in my own Book of Love.
See you later, alligator.
Baby rock me all night long
Come on baby
let the good time roll
Come on baby
let me thrill your soul
Come on baby
let the good time roll
Roll all night long
I wonder wonder who
Oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah
Tell me baby
who wrote the Book of Love
I've got to know the answer
Was it someone from above?
I love you darlin'
oh you know I do
I've got to see this Book of Love
Find out if it's true
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Somebody tell me
who wrote the Book of Love
And if you know can I take a look?
So I could find out what to do
if love comes around
'Cause I don't have a clue
How would I make a girl all mine?
Mm well let me flip through
the book till I find
This info 'cause I need to know
Tell me who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Ah come on Bo man
Bo you don't know diddly
come on
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Alright now you think
you wrote the Book of Love?
Come on prove it to me
Come play that guitar man
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Now come on you ain't
shocked me yet come on
Play that guitar man
come on
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
I hear ya
Gettin' busy in the place
Come on
Yeah yeah yeah
I wonder who wrote this Book of Love
'Cause my whole life
has been a story of
Relationships
where hit the blues
Lookin' for a girl
that can blow my fuse
So let me read a page or two
And if that works out I'm
gonna read all the way through
'Cause this info
I would love to know
So tell me
who wrote the Book of Love?
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the book?
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah yeah yeah
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
Don't you understand?
I wrote it
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
I wrote that and I say to you
I wrote it
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
I wonder wonder wonder
I I wrote it man
The Book of Love is a book
that's written in the heart of
every horny teenager.
And believe it or not,
it's based on a true story.
Hey, Jack, it's Crutch.
Your divorce papers just came through
and you're flying solo again.
The judge did give her
the house in the country.
But we had to expect
something like that
from a wife who's also a lawyer.
Anyway, speaking of divorces
guess who's back in town
visiting her mother?
A certain old flame of
yours from high school.
Does cute, dark hair
and a pistol ring a bell?
And, Jack, she asked about ya.
See you later alligator, you big stud.
Dark, cute and pistol.
Well, a pistol?
I wonder wonder
who who-oo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Okay.
An old flame from high school.
Connie? Cute, but no pistol.
Darlin' oh you know I do
I've got to see
Bunny...
Find out if it's true
I wonder wonder
...and me.
Who wrote the Book of Love?
So we got shot down,
Captain Midnight.
Life does play its tricks.
But, hey, you wanted
to be successful, you are.
You fought for the girl,
you got her.
You expected
a wonderful marriage.
It was terrible. Yeah.
Don't you wonder if life
could've been different?
Come on back, Jack.
I wonder wonder
Remember who you really are.
I know some things you forgot
some very important things.
Joe, where shall we put...
Baby baby baby
I love you yes I do
Jack, could you take this, please?
Hurry. I gotta meet the
plumber in 20 minutes, let's go.
- Be very careful.
- You guys wanna ride with me?
Yeah, yeah. Can we, mom?
Okay. We don't have
much room anyway.
Jack, please be careful
with the china.
Chapter two you tell her
You're never never never
never never gonna part
In chapter three remember
the meaning of romance
In chapter four you break up
But you give her
just one more chance
See that? That's smoke
from the slag pile.
You is to walk up there,
you'd be dead in no time
from the coal gas.
Wow! A mountain on fire!
What a great neighborhood,
huh, Jack?
You know what happens to you
in a new neighborhood?
- What?
- You get your ass kicked.
I love you darlin'
baby you know I do
But I've got to see
this Book of Love
Find out why it's true
I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Chapter one says to love her
You love her
with all your heart
Chapter two you tell her
You're never never never
never ever gonna part
In chapter three remember
the meaning of romance
In chapter four you break up
But you give her
just one more chance
Hey, mom, did you see
the poisonous mountain?
You'd die in a minute
if you went near it.
Oh, we'll never smell that up here.
Oh I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Hi. Oh, be very careful with that.
It contains a very valuable
comic-book collection
including "White Rider."
In reality, of course,
I am White Rider.
Well, ride this.
Oh I wonder wonder
who mmbadoo-ooh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder who Yeah
Who wrote the Book of Love
- You're the Twillers, right?
- Yeah.
I live down the block.
My name is Paul Kane. Hi.
But everyone just calls me Crutch.
You know, crutch, cane. Get it?
- What happened to your leg?
- I got hit by a beer truck.
I'm gonna get hit
by a beer truck when I grow up.
Yeah, it's a pretty good deal,
you don't have to take out
the garbage, and get
excused from gym class.
- Peanut?
- The chicks love it.
Come on, I'll show you around
the neighborhood.
Alright.
I'm glad you came along,
you know, I thought
a new neighborhood might be trouble.
What do you mean?
Oh, you know, I thought
since I was the new kid and everything
somebody might think
they had to kick my ass.
Oh, never happen. Not with
me as your pal at least.
I pull a lot of weight around here.
Crutch, who's that?
It's Angelo Gabooch and his gang.
Just act natural
and I'll handle everything.
Okay.
I thought you said you
carried a lot of weight
around this neighborhood.
Okay, so, we got depants'd.
Worse things could've happened.
Come on, my house
is just around the corner.
Holy shit!
Hi, Crutch. Love your outfit.
Oh, my God!
A blue colossus with red cape!
He's strong, he's brave!
He's gonna sit down
and eat his breakfast.
Boys, I hope you're gonna try and mingle
with the other students today.
Your first day at a new
school's very important.
Right, mom. Mingle. Mingle, Peanut.
Just be prepared to
knuckle down, young man.
Jack, I know it's not gonna be easy
entering a new school in the
middle of your sophomore year.
He's afraid they're gonna
beat the crap out of him.
Peanut, such language!
Don't talk to your mother like that.
Take off that cape
and get dressed properly.
I'm taking you to school.
I'm fighting for the cause of justice!
How would it look if my
mother takes me to school?
Up in the mornin'
and out to school
The teacher is teachin'
the Golden Rule
American history
and practical
This is where Spider Bomboni lives.
His old man's in jail.
- Hello, Spider!
- Yeah, yeah, I'm coming.
Spider's a real jerk-off artist,
17 times in one day.
- Oh, that's a lot of pounding.
- True.
But he's got inspiration.
Oh! I wish I had a sister.
- Crutch, hey.
- You don't skip school today.
Yeah, yeah, alright,
keep your shirt on.
Mrs. Bomboni, I'd like you
to meet a new kid in the nei...
You're all fuckin' bums.
- Ma, can I have a quarter?
- I'll give you a quarter.
Spider, meet Jack Twiller.
He just moved into the neighborhood.
Hey, you lay a buck on me and
come around at night and
watch my sister take a bath.
He's got a hole drilled
in the bathroom wall,
a perfect view. Worth a buck.
Every Friday night, right, Spider?
- Right.
- Sounds good to me.
So you got any hot books, Spider?
Oh, yeah. Check this out, huh?
I just got these in yesterday.
Look at this.
- Candy and Derwoord go camping.
- Sounds educational.
Hey, you learn something new
with me every day, jerk-off.
- It'll cost you two bucks.
- No problem.
That's what lunch money's for.
Look at this.
Now, this one's my favorite...
"For not by any calm
and indolent spoutings
"not by the peaceable gush
of that
"mystic fountain in his head
"did the white whale
now reveal his vicinity
"but by the far more wondrous
phenomenon of breaching.
"Rising with his utmost velocity
from the furthest depths
"the sperm whale
thus booms his entire bulk
"into the pure element of air
"and piling up a mountain of
dazzling foam, shows his place
"to the distance
of seven miles and more.
"In those moments,
the torn, enraged waves
"he shakes off, seem his mane.
"In some cases, this breaching
is his act of defiance.
"There, she breaches!
"There she breaches" was the cry
"as in his immeasurable
bravadoes
"the white whale tossed himself
salmon-like to heaven."
Alright, class. For tomorrow,
chapter seven, please.
Hurry up, Steve, okay? I'll be...
Hearts made of stone
Hey, Spider.
For the love
you have for them
That's Gina Gabooch.
She's cute, but don't go near her.
You can ask them please
She's Angelo's sister.
And all of your love
Is there to take
Remember Lily's friend Wanda?
Bazungas really make
a statement, don't they?
You love them
Actually, Wanda and I've got
something going there.
Hey, Wanda, I can finally
introduce you to Jack Twiller.
Get lost, creep.
Please please please break
Here comes Lily, smart, rich
and the princess of my wet dreams.
Hey, let's try to make an impression.
Did you see that? She couldn't
take her eyes off of me.
I gotta get to class.
I'll see you later.
No no no no no no
everybody knows
I told you you should've spent
your time looking for gold
instead of those worthless
old relics no one would want.
Oh, fine relic-hunter I am, Tim.
I just missed a chance
to get a silver bullet
from the Lone Ranger.
Get washed up, boys.
And now, a word from our sponsor.
You better get
Wildroot Cream or Charlie
Start using it today
You'll find that you will have
a tough time Charlie
Keeping all the gals away
mm-mm-mm-mm
It isn't any news who Lily
will chose. The Wildroot guy.
Come on, Twiller, give it a try.
Go get some right away
Jack, you okay?
I'm fine.
The Lone Ranger, a copyright...
I met a girl today.
Her name's Anita Krump.
Her braids stick out.
She wears white socks with
little flowers around them.
I love her little socks.
Oh, she says if I gave her a ring
I could go out with her.
So help me pick out one.
Let's see, maybe the zombie skull ring
or...
my straight arrow
golden-nugget picture ring.
Did you meet any girls today?
Yeah.
- Did they want a ring?
- No.
Well, if they do,
you can have one of mine.
Boys, dinner!
You're a good man, Peanut.
Oh we're the men of Texaco
w work from Maine to Mexico
There's nothing
like this Texaco of ours
Our show tonight is powerful
We'll wow you
with an hour full of howls
From this shower
full of stars
Jack, are you meeting any girls?
There are kids in my class, ma
and, yes, some of them are girls.
Oh. Ha.
Did you know that I once won
a ballroom dance contest?
Quiet, please. I am
trying to watch this.
Dancing is a very
important part of dating.
The boys who can dance
have their pick of the girls.
And since I know that you would
never do this on your own
Crutch's mother and I
have enrolled you
both in dance class.
Mom, I do not wanna take dance lessons.
Oh, don't be silly, dear.
You will love them.
Ma, I'm a clod.
I can't, I can't do that.
Jack, you're going to love dancing.
- Won't he, Joe?
- Claude, absolutely.
And this is a wonderful program.
It isn't just ballroom dancing,
but tap dancing as well.
Oh, that's different.
Tap dancing?
Let me see those taps. Let me hear 'em.
Very good, boys and girls.
Alright, and a turn.
Right, watch your arms. Make me believe.
Let's keep smiling.
Everyone keep smiling.
Alright. Shuffle there, two, three.
Keep smiling.
What's she doing here?
Right, and up those stairs.
Hokey pokey and up
the stairs. Very good.
Good. Very, very good, Lily.
Alright now, beginners
in the next room, please.
- Boy, am I glad that's over.
- No kidding.
- How's your knee?
- It's killing me.
But dancing's my life.
I'm dedicated. You know what I mean?
- Jack.
- You know what, Crutch?
I've been thinking about the
stair routine and
there's definitely something
that just doesn't work about t...
Wait. Jack.
- Oh!
- Jack! Oh...
Oh.
- Are you alright?
- Yeah, yeah.
Special roll, you do it
right, you don't get hurt.
Look, you have a huge lump on your head.
It's part of the routine.
- Well, I hope you're okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Okay. Bye.
- Thank you.
Oh...
- You think Lily was impressed?
- Oh, definitely.
I mean, the way you took
all those steps on your head
hey, she had to be impressed.
I think I broke a rib.
I think she's gonna
remember that number
for a long time to come.
Guy rolls down 25 stairs,
comes up dancing.
Hey, tell me about it.
It's Angelo.
Gina.
Gather around me buddies
Hold your glasses high
And drink to a fool
because I...
My problem is I'm just not cool.
I gave Anita Krump a
ring with her name on it.
Yeah? Where'd you get that?
I sent away.
It took six Crispy Box tops.
Her name glows in the dark.
Now I have to meet her at
the movies every Saturday.
She wears a training bra.
Why? She's gonna
do tricks with her tits?
Is that something
girls have to train for?
I suppose you went through this
when you were my age, huh, Jack?
No. You bring something
all your own to it, Peanut.
Okay, time for bed, boys.
Come on.
My tent won't stay up, Jack.
A good stiff pole is the
answer to your tent, Lily.
Open your flaps and I'll take a look.
Oh, Jack, you really got me pegged.
So what are we gonna
do for spring vaca...
Oh, you know what,
I heard that Lily
and Wanda are gonna be camping
at the Blue Lake.
Oh, this is it.
You hang around, you tap-dance
and then finally you get a big break.
Long walks, private picnics,
just us and them at Blue Lake!
What an opportunity!
Crutch's mother and I
have already discussed it.
You're going to Ranger camp together.
Mom, you cannot do this to me.
Look, Crutch and I already
made special plans.
You are going to Ranger camp.
Now, Jack, I don't like to say this
but you are too much involved
with your small clique of friends.
Just moping around the neighborhood.
Now, at Ranger camp you'll learn
to mix with new boys
from all walks of life.
Mom, I haven't been to a
Ranger meeting all year!
I know. And it's been a
great disappointment to me.
The uniform is so becoming on you.
The Ranger's creed
we can't forget
Hurrah hurrah
We're lighting
the signal lamp again
Hurrah hurrah
The compass
points the way to go
We'll sleep beside
the fire's glow
And we'll all be there when
the Rangers go marching home
So, boys, as we come to the close
of the first day of Ranger jamboree
I would like to remind you
of the Ranger credo.
Serve your friends
surmount your foe...
...and do your duty.
Goodnight, men.
It's not so bad after all.
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's okay.
I mean, it seems like a pretty
good bunch of guys, you know?
No, that's it. Later for the girls.
We're in it together, till the end.
Bonds of new friendship, camaraderie.
Hey, I wonder who's in our tent.
Hey, join the party, dorks.
Schank's birthday, so we decided
to give him a candle.
Happy birthday, Schank.
Guys.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday dear Schank
Happy birthday to you
- Make a wish, Schank.
- Help.
Guys, the mosquitoes
are gonna eat him alive.
- I'm gonna undo him, okay?
- Don't touch those chains.
I was just joking, Angelo.
I mean, sitting around by candle light
that's what's scouting's all about.
Yeah, tomorrow we get
a big pink candle for you two.
We'll light 'em up real nice, huh, Ang?
Alright, men, extinguish that candle.
Shit.
Sweet dreams, Twiller.
What about Schank?
You're right.
We can't leave him here.
Oh, they'll hear us trying
to take his chains off
and they'll beat the crap out of us.
Then we'll take him chains and all.
Turn left, turn left.
Look out.
Watch your step.
Get...
- It'll be okay.
- No.
It's, it's no good. I can't
see where I'm going, Crutch.
We need a light.
Sorry, Schank.
We gotta do it.
Come on, guys. Aren't we safe yet?
You broke your father's heart
by leaving Ranger camp
after only one day.
Yeah, but, mom, that
one day was so perfect
nothing else could
hold a candle to it.
Well, Jack, you've got to
start thinking of your future
of expanding your boundaries.
Have you given anymore
thought to becoming a teacher?
I've been thinking about
becoming a writer.
Oh, Jack, everybody
knows writers starve.
I think it's very nice that
Floyd asked you over
while we go out to play canasta.
I understand he's quite a gentleman.
Oh.
I hope some of that rubs off on you.
- Hello, hello.
- Hi, how are you?
- Come on in. Come on, this way.
- Oh, what a lovely home!
Welcome, Jack.
- Hi.
- Floyd.
I want you to meet Jack's mother.
Very nice to meet you, ma'am.
It's very nice to meet you, too.
Oh, my!
Oh! What a lovely living room.
Your father's going to Rotary, Floyd
and we'll be home around 11:00.
You may have a get
together of friends.
- Thank you, mother.
- Oh.
You boys enjoy yourselves.
Have a good time, sweetheart.
My mother thinks you'll be
a good influence on me.
Earth angel earth angel
Would you be mine?
Will you be mine?
My darling dear
Whoa whoa
Love you all of the time
I'm just a fool
I'm just a fool
A fool in love with you
Whoo
That was fuckin' great!
- That was great!
- Music!
- And now, and now...
- What?
For something a little special.
- You know, you can't sing.
- My famous creme de menthe.
- Oh! Open it.
- Rock and rye.
- Peppermint schnapp.
- Too much...
- Right.
- Peach-flavored brandy.
- My throat is...
- Some of that, whatever it is.
High ball.
A garnish of raisin, perhaps,
for you, Twill. This is for you.
- My friend, Jack Twiller.
- That's your drink.
- Please try.
- It's good.
Oh.
Yeah, it's, smooth.
- Yes.
- Very smooth.
Hey, make some calls.
Now we want some pussy.
- Yeah.
- Go to L.
- That's a good idea.
- L.
There's nothing but sluts in here.
- Yeah.
- That's what we want. Sluts!
Okay, well...
Just tell her, tell her
Jack Kerouac called.
That's right. Well, thank
you, Mrs. Zimmerman.
By the way, what are
you doing right now?
Oh, okay, alright. Bye.
Smooth, very smooth.
So?
- So I made 23 calls.
- And?
- And nobody's coming.
- Damn it!
We never get any breaks.
Looks like one more party with the boys.
Oh, shit! It's gonna turn into
another dick-measuring contest.
Hey, guys. The back door was open.
Schanky! Schank.
Hey, Schank, you see
any chicks on the way?
I just saw Lily and Wanda.
I told them to fall by.
Lily and Wanda?
Lily and Wanda?
They're back from Blue Lake!
Do you realize what this means?
Crutch...
I've never been drunk before.
Gettin' high gettin' high
gettin' high gettin' high
Gettin' high gettin' high
I'm just a fool
Five and two-sixteenths.
- Five inches...
- Schank is the winner.
Give me that fuckin' thing.
I missed a half inch of root.
You'd have lost anyway. Look.
Guys, it's not the size of the ship
it's the motion of the ocean.
A toast to the gang
that will never die.
Here's to the future.
- To the future!
- Yeah.
I'm just a fool a fool in love...
So we got older and
the hormones got bolder.
We noticed other girls.
No, we knew they were there.
But it always came back
to Lily, Lily. Lily.
I wish Lily could see me like this.
Forget it. She and
Angelo are going steady.
How can she go steady
with a prick like Angelo?
The worst prick you are,
the more chicks seem to like it.
The thing you got to do
is practice on your sneer.
You looks like you got your
nuts caught in a meat grinder.
Yeah, but the basic
attitude is there, you know?
You guys know that Angelo's
got colleges scouting him
already, I mean, he's
probably gonna go out
and play pro football or something.
Yeah, I got my career choices
narrowed down to either
dentist, chiropodist or a
certified public accountant.
Yeah, you'd be a
certified public asshole.
Okay, now get me the
work light over there.
Hey, Spider, what do
you figure on being?
Hey, I'm gonna marry some rich
old lady who's soft in the head.
- Hold the light right there.
- Oh, right, you got a plan.
That's what I'm always
saying, you know, like
for the senior prom,
it's only 55 days away.
And already I'm working
overtime to get a date for it.
Yeah, fuck the prom.
Only squares wear tuxedos.
Crutch, the light.
I just about got it.
You gotta know how to find a
bargain like this and fix it up.
You know, Snake's Junkyard has
a '53 Chevy convertible for sale.
- For 60 bucks.
- Yeah, what's wrong with it?
Well, it needs a little
work. It's underwater.
Oh, great, just right for you, Twill.
I wish to hell I was
mechanically inclined.
Yeah, well, you can start
by getting me the vise grips
on the work bench there.
Hey, big guy. Wanna change my oil?
Enroll in our expert
mechanics course today.
Our fully-illustrated
textbooks show you
how to always keep yourself greasy
look sexy and master your own tool.
Come on, Twiller, the vise grips.
- Vise grips.
- Yeah.
Ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah ooh-ah
Ooh-ah ooh-ah
Why do fools fall in love?
Why do birds sing so gay?
- Hey, shithead.
- So what do you think, Angie?
Wanna play with the gears?
In that junk heap?
With those yo-yos? Anytime.
Crutch, can you hand me
the vise grips, please?
Right.
Fall in love
Vise grips, Crutch.
Love is a losing game
Vise grips.
And love can be a shame
I know of a fool...
Be nice, Angelo.
Hand me the half-inch socket, Crutch.
You're an ace mechanic, Twiller.
Alright, get your stupid
shirt out of my fan belt.
Listen to that, huh?
Listen to that.
That's it, motherfucker.
We're ready to burn.
Well be-bop-a-lula
she's my baby
- Spider?
- Give me a fucking break.
- What's going on, Spider?
- What? What is this?
This is not supposed to happen, right?
This is nice, Spider.
Oh! Oh, man!
Hey, hey, get some sand
or something, quick!
Oh...
Fix this.
Oh, shit! My car!
Hurry up, man, get some sand.
Hurry up! Throw it on!
- Well, what do we have here?
- Spider, this isn't working!
What are we gonna do?
Piss on it.
- It's gonna blow!
- Oh, shit!
Hey, I saw one blow
at Cahoach's garage.
Sent the gas tank
right through the roof.
- The water put it out.
- She's not gonna blow.
- Whoa!
- Jesus Christ! Oh.
Fuck!
No, you're jealous,
you know, all you had to do
was close your eyes and swing...
Hey, Jacky.
I've got some important news for you.
Yeah?
What about?
Lily got in a fight with Angelo.
She'll be in the playground
if you wanna meet her later.
Why? What am I supposed to do?
If I have to tell you that, you
might as well not bother going.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So I hear you won
the game for Central.
I hear you and Angelo had a fight.
- Who told you that?
- I don't know.
I just, kind of just
heard it someplace.
Well, so what if we did?
Right. Right.
It's no business of mine.
Do you wanna go to the movies?
- What's playing?
- Oh, it's a Jimmy Dean flick.
I hear it's really tough,
you know, I thought, you know
maybe we can catch like a four
o'clock show or something?
Don't you have to change?
No, I'm comfortable.
Well, okay.
Great.
- Alright.
- Let's go.
So are you, are you
still in dancing class?
- Yeah.
- You know...
You look great on stage.
I mean, you know,
you're a terrific dancer...
Well, thanks. So are you.
Come on, I got two left feet.
Well, maybe you just
need the right partner.
Is Angelo helping out tonight?
- Don't ask me.
- Are you worried...
About him seeing you with me?
Why should I worry?
Tired of getting sand
kicked in your face?
Train with Gorilla Nuts Store
muscle-worker, you build power
personality, and the
physically-perfect male.
Do people stand around
and laugh while bullies
shove candles up your ass?
If so, send today for your copy
of Bull Dig Judo made easy.
A perfect companion piece to
the Gorilla Nuts muscle-worker.
You know what? Why don't we
just cross the street right here?
It's a really good short...
No, Jack, let's go this way.
You know what? We might
be late for the show.
- There's a bus. We can ju...
- Come on, Jack.
Now, we don't wanna
be late for the show.
I bet you like to sit up in the
balcony where we can make out.
Jack, you know, I just remembered.
I have to babysit tonight.
You know, I'm really sorry. I
don't mean to disappoint you.
- No, no, it's okay.
- Well, do you have a car?
You know, you could drive
me home or something.
No, but you know, I will
be getting one very soon.
V-8 motor and this modern design
Black convertible top
and the gals don't mind
Yes it's great
just won't wait
Everybody likes
my Rocket '88
Baby we'll ride in style
movin' all along
Seventy bucks.
- I thought you said 60.
- What?
For a set of wheels like this?
Come on, I ain't got all day.
Sixty is all I've got, though.
One moment, this mystery brick
contains more riches than you...
And when I will get this
open, you will see the...
Stand back.
Hey! Well, it's open now.
You guys got yourself a sweet machine.
Hey, this was Vinnie Van Dura's car.
Hey, we really got something here.
Vinnie was doing over
a 100 when he rolled it.
Paid in full.
Enjoy the ride, boys.
Thanks, Peanut.
Wow.
It's the basic wheels.
Now we're gonna fix her up.
You could come and
help me get some junk
and we could decorate the house.
Sure.
And we'll get balloons
and, oh, what
kids' stuff, birthday stuff...
We can go to the five-and-ten.
Will you do it?
I'd like to.
I'm sort of, sort of...
I found my image.
I got my wheels. I'm
gonna ask her to the prom.
Go, right now!
I'm going.
Where are we going?
Peanut, there are just some
things a brother must do alone.
Oh-oh yes
I'm the great pretender
Pretending
that I'm doing well
My need is such
I pretend too much
I'm lonely
but no one can tell
Oh-oh yes
I'm the great pretender
Oh, hi, Jack.
Well, what a surprise.
So, hey, you got a new car.
That's, that's great.
Yeah.
Probably...
...slap a new motor into her.
Good for you. You
must be very excited.
It's only a car.
So do you wanna come in?
Sit down.
Jack, I'm sorry
but I've already made
plans for tonight.
Did you wanna see me about something?
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I...
I wanted to...
I wanted to ask you...
Will you...
I...
I gotta go.
I really screwed up, Floyd.
I mean, I had a golden
opportunity, and I blew it.
Her wall looked like someone
threw a hamburger at it.
Well, look at it this way. You
left an indelible impression.
Okay, Jack, we're on our way.
Last time you went to a convention
Jack put me in the washing machine.
Oh, Peanut, now don't be ridiculous.
Wash, soak and spin.
Now, I want no eating over my new rug.
And, Jack, you may have
one friend stay overnight
and I hope it will be Floyd.
- Why, thank you, Mrs. Twiller.
- Well, Floyd.
You're a perfect gentleman.
And I know the kind of influence
that you have over Jack.
Let's go, Kitty!
Coming, Joe.
Okay, boys, be good.
- Bye, ma.
- Let's go! Bye, kids!
Yeah, Twiller's got an empty house.
Yeah, it's a sophisticated
little gathering.
Well, there's new
records, there's dancing.
Oh darling
Oh oh oh
No, no, no, nothing violent.
It's a mature crowd.
- Oh-ho!
- Listen.
I'll have to call you back.
My lover I was wrong
Well, your mother will
shit a brick about this.
- Gina!
- Oh, hang back.
Angelo kicks the shit out of
anyone who goes near her.
That my lover
Right. Right, okay.
- Who needs her?
- Right.
For you
Welcome to the manor!
You
Hi, baby, how you doin'?
- Fuck off.
- Hey, you wanna dance?
- No.
- I'm a trained dancer.
I might surprise you.
Can you believe this?
Real live chicks in my place!
This is the party event of the season!
Yes!
Hi, Wanda. You look real sharp.
Don't bother me. Did
my friends get here?
Listen. You know, you
don't know me very well.
- That's the way I wanna keep...
- No, you know, we have a...
We have a lot in common. We
have a lot of the same interests.
And we like the same music, right?
And we like the same clothes.
For instance, I really like
that dress you're wearing.
You don't give up, do you?
Defeat is not in my vocabulary.
For you ooh
Looks like a pretty wild party,
wonder what they did
with Twiller's little brother.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Hey! Great! Yay!
Well it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
Fool about my money
don't try to save
My heart said
go go have a time
'Cause it's Saturday night
and I'm feelin' fine
I'm gonna rock it up
I'm gonna rip it up
I'm gonna shake it up
gonna ball it up
Go, baby, go!
I'm gonna rock it up
and ball tonight ow
Bad.
Well it's Saturday night
and I just got paid
Fool about my money
don't try to save
My heart said
go go have a time 'cause...
- Oh!
- Oh, no!
- Looking good, baby.
- Right through to the studs.
Yeah, look at the
electric wiring by his ear.
- Let's go. Good.
- I got him.
Crutch, I don't feel good.
You okay, Spider?
- Oh...
- You're okay.
Well, we gotta tie him up
before he burns the place down.
We can't tie him up, he's our pal.
We can roll him up in the rug.
Good idea.
Hey.
What's he doing with a cap pistol?
- Image.
- Oh. Right.
- Ready?
- Roll.
- You got him? Good.
- Yeah.
That's it, I got him. There you...
That's good.
- Yeah.
- He's out of the way.
But he can still enjoy himself.
Here, fall in love.
I hope you die.
Hey, Peanut. She's very cute.
Sincerely
I'm in the game now.
A full-fledged member.
That's cool.
'Cause I love you so dearly
I'm going through a
difficult change in life.
Ba-doh ba-doh
Sincerely
Oh you know how I
- Hi.
- Hi, Jack.
- You have wild parties.
- Gina, over here.
You have beautiful eyes.
Are you drunk?
Yeah.
You wanna dance?
Lord won't you tell me why
I love that girlie...
You know, I knew there was
a reason for this party.
Oh, and what is it?
You.
I caught a glimpse of my future.
Well, you should have a
crystal ball and a turban.
Know all, tell all.
Sincerely
The future is revealed.
Oh you know how I love you
You know, if Angelo
comes and catches us...
Hey!
Do anything for you
You let me worry about Angelo.
Please say you'll be mine
Ba-doh ba-doh ba-doh
Oh Lord
won't you tell me why
I love that girlie so
Do you have a pencil in your pocket?
She doesn't want me
Yeah.
Yeah.
Never let her go
Sincerely
Ba-doh Oh you know
- Look at us.
- I am.
I'll do anything for you
Please say you'll be mine
Twiller.
- Upstairs. Looting.
- What?
Pillage. Your mother's
underwear is involved.
Excuse me.
Oo-eee oo-eee-oo
ooi-ooi-ooo
- Hey, where you going, Floyd?
- Hey, what's the big deal?
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Relax. We're just having
a little fashion show here.
Give me that.
Are these pearls real?
I want you two girls out of here.
Back off.
I need your love so badly
No, you back off.
Whoa, calm down. Wait a minute,
don't do anything weird.
- I'll shoot you.
- Relax, I'm taking it off.
Look, there's nothing,
and I'm sorry... Jeez...
That was great! That was...
You took complete
control of the situation.
Whoa. Wait a second.
I just pointed a gun
at Angelo's sister.
He, he's not gonna know
that this, this is a
this is a cap gun, Floyd,
he's gonna pound my head
into pepperoni.
To hell with him.
Okay. To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
- To hell with him.
I love you so
and I want you to know
I need your love so badly
Smooth. Very smooth.
- Everybody clear.
- Hey, Twiller's got a gun.
Stand back. Clear.
Twiller? Don't shoot that.
It's not a cap gun.
- Yeah, right.
- It's dangerous.
Converted chambers, I put real
bullets in it, you asshole.
- Give me that...
- You're crazy.
- He's kinda cool, no?
- Yeah, too cool.
Let's get out of here.
I left my sweater upstairs!
Hey, Crutch.
Bye. Take care.
I don't know, Crutch.
I think I'm finally starting
to get it together at last.
Definitely.
You so
and I want you to know
I need your love so badly
You say Floyd stumbled and
his head went through the wall?
Yeah, yea...
We were, you know, playing canasta
and he tripped over the carpet
and put his head right through the wall.
- This is very strange.
- Yeah.
- Sounds very unlikely.
- Yeah...
It was a surprise to me, too, mom.
And the couch? Jack?
Something very odd went on in
this house while we were gone.
All of my jewelry and underclothes
have been rearranged.
Could have been a panty raid, mom.
My panties are not in
the habit of being raided.
You are trash and
your friends are trash.
And, Jack
if you do not get into some college
I don't even care
which one anymore...
...you are not my son.
Oh. Then whose son am I?
Mr. Smart Alex.
Twiller, I read your career folio.
It doesn't seem realistic.
Sir?
Your career folio isn't
grounded in reality.
Now, these folios of your
fellow classmates are realistic.
They're based on what I like
to call the facts of life.
Facts of life, my boy.
The facts of life.
Now, what would you say
to a job in the button mill?
Well, my, you know, my parents
want me to go to college, sir.
With your grades, they'll
have to build you one.
Unless, of course, you
have any other ideas.
Well, I like to write.
You know, I got a vivid imagination.
Twiller, you're what
I like to call a daydreamer.
In my experience,
daydreamers don't go anywhere.
Yeah, well, I can't believe that, sir.
Twiller, I couldn't even get you
into bird-grooming school.
- Bird-grooming school?
- Yeah.
Probably canary, stuff like that.
You ask anybody yet?
You think I put off
something that important
my own senior prom?
Twenty-five definite turndowns.
You know, I think
Lily's really starting
to like me, I'm gonna ask her.
Too late, she's going with Angelo.
- Are you sure?
- That's what Wanda told me.
No, are you absolutely sure?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Hey, let's fall by the
fairgrounds on Saturday
we might pick up some
student nurses or something.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe the bearded
lady's not doing anything.
Ice cream! Ice cream!
- Yeah, let's go.
- Get your ice cream.
Should be a deeply-moving performance.
It's time for your
higher education, Peanut.
Alright, fellas, enjoy
the show. Go ahead in.
Step right up, gentlemen, next
show starts in a few minutes.
Yeah, can I... Just
one ticket? Right there.
- How old is this guy?
- Oh, he's my uncle.
They're all short on
their side of the family.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Alright, gentlemen, step right up
and see the lovely Honey Moon.
Next show's in just a few minutes.
Whether you're young,
whether you're old
she'll make you feel the same way.
Step right up, don't be afraid.
The next show is in just a few minutes.
Come on, step right up here.
There's Wanda.
I'm gonna try to win her a Shmoo.
Take care of yourself.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Five rings, please.
Take it off.
Tell your fortune, mister?
- Nah.
- Hot sex, one dollar.
Wanda didn't want my Shmoo.
But I got something else going.
Cn I have extra onions on that?
Crutch, the weirdest thing
just happened to me.
This girl offered me
hot sex for a dollar.
Why didn't you come and get me?
Crutch, she was just,
like, nine years old.
So what? My Cocker Spaniel's only five.
Gina's over there.
She asked about you.
- I think she's interested.
- Yeah?
Yeah, ever since you
took that shot at her.
Hey, hotshot.
So where is your pistol?
Got anymore wild parties planned?
What have you been drinking?
Mouth wash.
You're a pretty far-out
guy, you know that?
Last chance, folks. Closing up.
Take your souvenir. One last shot.
Tough night tonight, huh?
Tomorrow's another day.
Okay, Maury. See you, Manana.
Show is over. Go on home.
What are you looking at?
You're not like women from around here.
That's for damn sure.
Do you think... I could
have your autograph?
It's not usually my
autograph guys ask me for.
Ms. Moon.
I feel feverish
and disoriented.
Those are the
symptoms, aren't they?
Hey...
You're gonna be some
heart-breaker when you grow up.
I don't think I can handle this, Crutch.
Go on! Give her the horn.
She showed interest, didn't
she? Seize the moment.
No, I'm no good on the phone with girls.
Alright, look, I'll get you started.
"Hi, Gina, this is Jack."
Sounds great.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Perfect.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
Hi, Gina, this is Jack.
- Hello.
- Hi Jack, this is Gina.
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo just hung up on me.
We're not taking that crap from him.
We've got a prepared speech here.
Alright, if Angelo answers the door
don't take any shit from him, okay?
Tell him you're selling
magazine subscriptions.
Okay, and, if he hangs me
upside down over the railing...
- You know what to do, right?
- Right.
Get your car keys if they
fall out of your pocket.
Exactly.
Why don't you leave
your car keys with me?
Good idea.
Yeah?
Gina home?
No.
Do you know when she's gonna be back?
Go fuck yourself.
Angelo! What's the matter with you?
Beat it out of here, idiot.
How you doin'?
Okay.
So what brings you up this way?
You know, I just...
I was just, you know, rolling by.
Don't mind Angelo. He's
just like that sometimes.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, my Gaucho shirt
was a little small anyway.
Room in there now for two Gauchos.
Angelo thinks he's a hero or somethin'.
That your convertible out there?
Yeah.
Interesting.
Do you wanna go to the prom?
It's only three days away, that doesn't
give me much time, you know?
You're right. I don't know.
I must have written down
the days wrong or somethin'.
Do you wanna go?
You send me a corsage or do I buy one?
Oh, I buy one.
I mean, you know, that's, you know
that's what I heard the guy...
The guys usually buy the corsages.
You know, but if you've
heard something different...
No.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Pick you up around 8:00?
Alright, cool.
- Okay.
- Hey...
Tell Angelo just lay
off a little bit. He...
Oh, Angelo's really a
pussycat. Believe me.
Yeah, sure.
See ya. Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I'm on.
- Way to go.
Did you see me move in
there right past Angelo?
After he set you back down, yeah.
It looked like a really smooth move.
Well, that's your date.
Now what about me?
Oh, I thought you said you
were working on someone.
It's a long shot.
Your cummerbund, sir.
Your clip-on tie.
Your Bruce Wayne look-alike jacket.
Your pimple cream.
Yeah. Come on in.
Have a seat. Gina's still gettin' ready.
He's crazy about you.
I can remember the first time I saw you
like it was yesterday.
We had just been introduced.
You felt...
You're taking Lily to the prom, right?
Yeah.
No point in picking her up yet.
She likes to take her time.
- Oh.
- You know, I spotted...
How is football going? You...
You got scholarship, right?
Yeah. Hey, ma, what's keepin' Gina?
We're coming.
You in a hurry?
No, actually. Hell, no.
She likes to take her
time, too. They all do.
Yeah.
It's okay by me.
She looks so beautiful!
Looks alright, ain't she, ma?
We're very happy you're taking Gina.
She told us all about you.
You know, every boy who
graduates from Central High
has a great future ahead of him.
And now a word from a distinguished
Central High graduate.
Here at Mid Valley
Bird-Grooming College
you'll learn all the secrets
of a certified bird-groomer.
Enroll now and enjoy prestige
pride and high pay in
this unusual profession.
Ma, I think we gotta get going.
Yes, yes, go on, the both of you.
Have a wonderful evening.
You both look so nice.
Anybody lays a hand on my sister
I kick his slats in.
Right. Absolutely.
And then I tear off his nose.
Yeah.
Hold me hold me
Hold me hold me
Never let me go...
School motto. You know what it means?
Yeah, something about rectums.
Hold me hold me
Hold me hold me
Make me tell you
I'm in love with you
Thrill me thrill me
Thrill me thrill me
Walk me down the lane
where shadows will be
Will be will be
Will be
Hiding lovers just the
same as we'll be we'll be...
- You wanna dance?
- Sure.
Tell you I love you...
It's a lot of skirt.
Yeah, it's kind of big.
No, it's not.
It's gorgeous.
You're gorgeous.
You really know how to dance.
Well, you know, I took a few lessons.
Yeah.
Hey, Crutch.
They told me be sensible
with your new love
So what did you say you were
gonna do after you graduate?
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, I can, you know, go on
to work at the button mill.
Oh, jeez! I worked there last summer.
- You don't wanna go there. No.
- No? Damn it!
My guidance counselor,
he wanted me to take it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well, he doesn't know
what kind of guy you are.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
What kind of guy is that?
I don't know.
Kind of original.
Kind of unique.
Miss me miss me
If we ever say adieu
so kiss me
Kiss me kiss me
Kiss me
Never never never
Let me go
See you later alligator
Well I saw my baby walkin'
with another man today
Well I saw my baby walkin'
with another man today
Well I asked her what's the matter
This is what I heard her say
See you later alligator
after a while crocodile
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
Can't you see you're in my way?
Ms. Stuck-Up.
She acts like she gets
whatever she wants.
She even thinks she's gonna
become a lawyer or somethin'.
Made me lose my head...
She can have what she wants.
- Wanna dance?
- Yeah.
Reminded her of what she said
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
See you later alligator
After a while crocodile
Well can't you see
you're in my way now?
Well can't you see
you cramp my style?
She said
I'm sorry pretty daddy
You know
my love is just for you
She said
I'm sorry pretty daddy
You know my love is just for you
Won't you say that you forgive me?
And say your love for me is true
I said wait a minute 'gator
You know you mean it just for play
I said wait a minute 'gator
I know you mean it just for play
Don't you know you really hurt me?
And this is what I have to say
It's a time for joy a time for tears
A time we'll treasure
through the years
We'll remember always
I guess tonight it all
comes to an end, huh?
I mean, I get my diploma.
I can walk straight
out into the world
and get a job at Carvel,
peeling bananas.
No, you'll find somethin'.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You're right, I mean, there's
gotta be a college out there
that, that's looking for a
guy with a vivid imagination.
Yeah. Meanwhile, I...
I got my wheels, I got my buddies.
I've got...
You don't have to be home
yet or anything, do you?
No, my mom knows a prom
date lasts all night.
Oh, I thought maybe
we'd drive by the Lookout
and check out the situation.
Yeah. We can see real
good from up there.
Oh, yeah.
You can see the whole city, like...
Right, right. It's a hell of a view.
Yeah.
What the hell?
- What's wrong?
- The lights.
- I saw.
- Like that.
I better check this out.
Why are you doing this to me?
It's my big night.
This is the headlight
wire right here, ain't it?
Yeah.
This wire is all rusted through.
Oh, well, it was underwater for a while.
You're fucked, pal.
I'll tell you what?
I'll drive, you shine the flashlight.
Okay.
Alright!
This is no big deal.
I mean, anyone can drive
with the lights on, right?
Right.
We'll just stay right in the middle.
Hey! Hey, slow down!
Hey, he can't see us, Jack.
- Hey, stupid, slow down!
- Hey, get down!
- Ain't this somethin'?
- We'll make it.
Alright. Let's go!
This is a real kick. I love it!
Yeah, the unforgettable touch.
You know, I'm not nervous anymore.
The prom made me nervous.
Could you tell?
Yeah, I was kind of nervous, too.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
Now it's just the two of us
against the odds, right?
Right.
Yeah.
What can I do...
So what are you gonna
do for the summer, Gina?
Oh. I'm workin' at Luna Pizza.
- Luna Pizza?
- Yeah.
That's a really
good crust.
Very crisp, actually.
Yeah.
Your dry eye oh oh oh...
God! Look at the moon.
It's beautiful, ain't it?
Yeah.
I'm glad we could see it, you know?
Just gotta remember it.
Yeah, to kind of, like, look back on.
Yeah, a souvenir-like.
Yeah, souvenir.
Oh oh how will it feel?
So you've been thinking
about college, right?
Oh, yeah. I...
That whole college thing
just gets me down. Yeah.
So if you could do anything you wanted
like, right now, what
would you wanna do?
Anything?
Not, like, right this moment, I mean...
Maybe next week or somethin'.
Wow.
I guess, you know
I'd like to travel or see the country.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
That's what I'd wanna
do if I was graduating.
Yeah, but if I do
my mother says she's gonna
hang herself in the attic.
She won't.
No, no, she will.
They never do.
To make you understand
Oh oh
What can I do do do do
Do do do do?
What can I do?
- Find the switch?
- That was a little...
Hey, we've got a winner here!
Alright, Floyd.
Okay, I owe you five bucks.
Just hang out one...
Thanks.
- Well...
- It's about time!
Hey, Twiller.
What took you so long, huh?
- Hey, how'd it go?
- I just got back.
- I just took her home.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Did you score?
Come on, guys, on a prom date?
How'd you guys do?
- Oh! I mean it was prom night.
- Oh, yeah.
- Prom night.
- Banging all night.
- Four, five times.
- Yeah.
- So wanna go for a ride?
- Oh, dude!
- The tank is almost empty.
- Hey, not anymore.
- Ha-ha!
- Alright, let's go!
Come on baby
let the good times roll
Come on baby let me thrill
your soul come on baby
Slow down. Spider, this
is a sensitive machine.
All night long...
- Yeah, let's go!
- Oh, crap!
- We graduated!
- We're movin' on and movin' up.
The world's our fuckin' oyster!
Here we go!
Watch out, buddy...
And now the future is revealed.
For starters, I finally landed Lily.
It was the night at the
prom when she saw me
with Gina that did it.
We did not live happily ever after.
And the rest of the gang,
well, Crutch, Crutch
God bless him, he's my lawyer.
An expert in all kinds
of unfortunate accidents.
Come on baby...
And Spider, Spider did, in fact
marry a rich old lady
who's soft in the head.
Come on baby let the good time
Floyd landed just where
you might guess he would
bedded down, so to speak.
Teaching poetry at a
girls' school back east.
And Peanut, thanks
to questionable influence
he's now producing
showgirl reviews in Vegas.
As for me, that vivid
imagination served me well
and I became a writer, after all.
And right now I think I'm ready to write
a hot new chapter
in my own Book of Love.
See you later, alligator.
Baby rock me all night long
Come on baby
let the good time roll
Come on baby
let me thrill your soul
Come on baby
let the good time roll
Roll all night long
I wonder wonder who
Oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah
Tell me baby
who wrote the Book of Love
I've got to know the answer
Was it someone from above?
I love you darlin'
oh you know I do
I've got to see this Book of Love
Find out if it's true
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
Somebody tell me
who wrote the Book of Love
And if you know can I take a look?
So I could find out what to do
if love comes around
'Cause I don't have a clue
How would I make a girl all mine?
Mm well let me flip through
the book till I find
This info 'cause I need to know
Tell me who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the Book of Love
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Ah come on Bo man
Bo you don't know diddly
come on
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Alright now you think
you wrote the Book of Love?
Come on prove it to me
Come play that guitar man
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
Now come on you ain't
shocked me yet come on
Play that guitar man
come on
I'm gonna shock you in a minute
I hear ya
Gettin' busy in the place
Come on
Yeah yeah yeah
I wonder who wrote this Book of Love
'Cause my whole life
has been a story of
Relationships
where hit the blues
Lookin' for a girl
that can blow my fuse
So let me read a page or two
And if that works out I'm
gonna read all the way through
'Cause this info
I would love to know
So tell me
who wrote the Book of Love?
I wonder wonder who
oh oh who
Who wrote the book?
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah yeah yeah
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
Don't you understand?
I wrote it
I wonder wonder wonder
who wrote the Book of Love
I wrote that and I say to you
I wrote it
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
I wrote the Book of Love
I wonder wonder wonder
Who wrote the Book of Love
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
I wonder wonder wonder
I I wrote it man