Booksmart (2019) Movie Script

[tape player starts]
[New Age music plays]
[female voice] Good morning, winner.
Take a deep breath.
[exhales deeply]
You're ready to dominate this day.
You've worked harder than everyone,
and that is why you're a champion.
You understand that greatness
takes sacrifice.
Visualize what you still want to achieve.
Stand atop the mountain of your success
and look down at everyone
who's ever doubted you.
Fuck those losers.
Fuck them in their stupid fucking faces.
["To Whom It May Concern" plays]
[car horn honking]
- [girl] Hey!
- [honking continues]
- Oh!
- [Molly] Oh!
Oh, shit.
Yeah, yeah
Hold the phone!
I'm comin'!
- Oh, shit.
- Say, say
- I'm a bad motherfucker, yeah
- Whoo!
We know it, keep goin'
I came straight off the stage
After Glasto
- What?
- What? Excuse me.
- Oh, oh.
- What?
- Oh.
- What?
- Hey.
- What?
- Missed ya!
- I missed you.
- I missed you so much.
- It's been one night.
[snapping fingers]
- Are we gonna go to school, or...
- No.
I don't think we are.
No, we're just gonna stay... here.
I don't wanna stress you out
I just wanna tell ya the truth
Motherfuckers try to tear us apart
But we are electric linked
My revolution
- [boy] Move!
- [gasps] Jeez!
It's time for the next evolution
[school bell rings]
- [boy yelling]
- Are you...
- [boy] Whoo!
- I swear to God.
- Whoo!
- What are you doing?
- Are you kidding me? Samantha!
- You couldn't have just gone around?
Where was this energy
at my inauguration assembly, folks?
[man] I hope I never have
to see any of you ever again, okay?
That's it. Signin' off.
Go, Crocketts!
[feedback squeals]
- [girl] Principal Brown?
- Oh...
Hi, Molly, Amy. What's shakin'?
I want to make the transition
of next year's student government
as seamless as possible,
- so that when I'm up in New Haven...
- Yale. You can just say Yale, please.
Well, our class's official policy
is to not discuss
where anyone is attending next year.
We don't want them to feel insecure.
Very thoughtful.
I need to go over the end of the year
budget numbers we have.
Like, now?
I mean, why don't you do it with Nick?
You know, please?
I mean, he's... you know,
he's the vice president.
- [boy] Oh!
- [laughter]
We both know that Nick only ran for VP
because they plan the dances.
That position is...
It's basically a popularity contest.
He's useless.
Ladies, it's the last day, you know?
We did it, huh?
We got you through high school.
Can't we just graduate,
head off to college,
you know,
celebrate this wonderful achievement?
Let's get through the day
without anything horrible happening.
Sorry, are you shutting the door on us?
Not subtle. We will persist!
Nick's like the great equalizer.
Delegates from every group of girls
are casting their ballots for his penis.
Oh, Triple A takes the lead.
Don't call her that.
Everybody calls her that.
She gave roadside assistance
to three senior guys last year.
[Amy] You hear them
getting degrading nicknames?
They call Sam Ross "Dick Splinter."
That's not derogatory,
it's a factual description.
- 7:20.
- [Molly] Under eight minutes?
- You're joking!
- Aah!
Oh, my God. 9:43.
What am I gonna do
without you girls next year?
Nobody around here
even attempts the Thursday.
Well, Amy and I are gonna Skype
the puzzle every single week,
- so we will send you our Sunday Times.
- Yep.
You know what?
Why don't I just give you two my number?
That way, you guys can call or text me
if you need anything.
- Yeah! That would make our lives.
- Yeah. Cool.
- We'd love that.
- Definitely.
- I'll give you mine after.
- I'll share the contact.
- I can give...
- I'll share it.
Wait. Miss Fine, I thought there were
no cell phones allowed in class.
- Or are there exceptions for ass-kissers?
- [Miss Fine] Hey.
A dollar in the swear jar.
I'm so sorry.
These shorts, they don't have pockets.
- Okay, excuse me. Excuse me. Jesus Christ!
- [boy] Whoa, Triple A!
Oh, my God.
- No spatial awareness at this school.
- People just really don't.
- Hey, Amy?
- It's her!
Did you just score
your teacher's phone number?
[boy] Hey, Miss Fine?
You should come party with us tonight.
Did you just ask Miss Fine
if she wants to party with you?
You think she wants to watch you
get drunk and break things?
Hold on. I was having a conversation
with her. You're not part of this.
- I'm...
- Sit down, Theo.
[boy] Yo, yo. What up, Miss Fine?
Just a last day present
for my favorite teach.
- Jared, you are not my student.
- I've heard great things.
And, hey, everybody else
got their graduation gifts, right?
Come on.
Jare Bear coming at you
from all angles, right?
- Nobody asked for that.
- Uhh...
Big me, littler me,
little baby Jared at the bottom.
Baby Jared says,
"Happy graduation, everybody!"
Yeah, no one's gonna wear a shirt
with your face on it, Jared.
Like, not even ironically.
Okay, well, agree to disagree, 'cause...
Jared, just go.
I'm out of here. Wasn't even here.
See you, Molly.
- [Amy] Bye, Molly.
- [Jared] I'll see ya.
- [bell ringing]
- Bye, Molly.
- Why does he always do that?
- [boy] Fair townspeople!
Fair townspeople?
Fair townspeople, I swear to God!
- [girl] What?
- [clears throat] Mark thy calendars
and make thy plans to attend
the drama department's summer program,
Shakespeare in the Park... ing Lot.
We will be performing the Bard's comedies
as modern tragedies
outside Whole Foods across town.
Well, it's actually funny. It's...
It's what we did in my summer program
last year in...
[Spanish accent] Barcelona,
- when I lived in Barcelona.
- [groans]
I will be directing,
and Alan...
may be starring, pending auditions.
I don't audition.
I'm offer only. [chuckles]
This looks fun, but I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna be here.
Yeah, Amy's spending the summer
in Botswana,
helping women make their own tampons.
Well, blood attracts lions.
I'm saving lives.
Oh, okay. Well, that's actually noble.
I, too, have a fear of big cats.
And I can't because I'm working
all summer, and also, I don't want to.
You are a philistine.
Why would you do theater
when you could do debate?
[scoffs] Because some of us
enjoy working with others.
And some of us know how to win.
Nobody's winning in that outfit.
[Miss Fine] Sit down, y'all.
We got work to do.
- So, Molly...
- Mmm?
- Why don't you start us off?
- Thank you.
- [groaning]
- Kill it.
All right, well, as you might recall
from my analysis yesterday,
- we were talking about...
- It's our last day!
- Let us live! God!
- ...submitting to authority...
[Theo] You've gotta open...
You've gotta open your mouth
a little bit more, all right?
- Yeah, okay, I gotcha, I gotcha.
- Okay, chips!
- All right, this is it.
- [Theo] I gotcha. Ready?
- Dude, how am I supposed to get there?
- That was my bad.
- Nick?
- You're wild.
- Nick.
- Wait, just one sec. Just... come on.
Nick, there's some studentgovernment
stuff to go over.
Come on, man, aim for my mouth!
We have to go over the end of year budget,
so if you could...
Yeah, just, we're playin' this game
where I've gotta catch it with...
It's complicated.
I'll... I'll hit you later, I guess.
I'm sure it's complicated.
I cannot believe I lasted an entireyear
with Nick as my vice president.
He's allergic to work.
All he wants to do is goof off.
It's infuriating.
["Can You Discover?" plays]
Ooh, baby, baby, baby, babe
How long am I supposed to wai...
Go talk to Ryan.
What? No.
Cool, cool,'cause I'm...
I'm gonna go talk to Ryan.
- 'Cause I have so much to say...
- No, no, no.
- Yeah?
- Fine.
Just... I'm going.
- Just gonna...
- There she goes.
Ooh, baby, baby, baby, please
My heart sinks to my knees
Oh, baby, baby, do you...
- Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- [Ryan] Oh, dude.
[whispers] Amy.
- [Ryan] It's all good.
- Here you go.
- Sharp elbows.
- [chuckles]
Not as sharp as your... chin.
Um... so isn't it crazy
that it's... it's the last day?
I know, dude. I can barely believe it.
Are you gonna come to Nick's tonight?
His aunt went on a cruise ship
that broke down,
so Nick's gonna throw a party
at her house.
That's... that's awesome.
It's... it's all right.
They're, you know, they're stuck
on a boat shitting in buckets.
Oh, that's not really what I meant.
Oh, Jesus.
- [Ryan] Come on, Tanner.
- All right, well...
All right, I'll see you later.
I'll just, um...
Fuck. Fuck, fuck.
- What are you doing? Go back.
- Fuck, fuck.
No, that was bad. That was bad. I'm good.
I don't even knowif she's into girls.
She wore a polo shirt to prom.
Well, that's just her gender performance.
It's different from
her sexual orientation.
I'm sorry, but I don't get it.
- Well, gender is a construct of...
- No. Thank you. That much I understand.
It's just... it's a little bit shocking
that... that you're into Ryan.
First crush, the little white cat
from The Aristocats.
You go from that to Avril Lavigne.
It just... it's not...
it's not what I anticipated.
I just like that she's...
always in a good mood,
and she's got a really cute smile.
She just seems like
she'd be a really fun person
to have sleepovers and lie around with.
Excuse me, pardon me? I'm a fun person
to have sleepovers and lie around with.
It's literally all we do.
Well, with her, there'd be more...
vagina involved.
That's fair.
She said Nick's having a party tonight.
Of course he would.
He's so fucking stupid.
Somebody always gets arrested
the night before graduation.
Amy, do you know how many girls
are gonna be up your vagina
- at Columbia next year?
- [scoffs]
Are you aware of it?
'Cause I'm aware of it.
Every time I come to visit you, you're
just gonna be scissoring a different girl.
Scissoring is not a thing.
- Don't knock it until you've tried it.
- It's not a thing.
- I'm not knocking it. It's not a thing.
- Don't knock it until you've tried it.
["Money" plays]
Not the cemetery or the penitentiary
Damn my contemporaries
I'm too legendary, its so
Here comes the one percent.
[echoing] Money, I got money
[echoing] Money
I got money
That car belongs in a museum.
What the fuck, Jared?
I said door-to-door.
Museum of death,
'cause its smog is killing us all.
- Fuck!
- You all right?
They spend every minute together.
It's so weird.
We spend every minute together.
We are equals.
Gigi just keeps Jared around
for when she needs a liver.
- No, please don't get on my car.
- I'm fucking spent, Jared!
- At least take the heels off.
- I'm fucking spent!
- I just got it back from the shop.
- Okay, shh! I'm napping.
Do you think it's true that his dad got
him a sex worker for his 14th birthday?
It's too weird of a story to be made up.
There's so many specifics.
He sprained his ankle,
she had a hearing aid.
What up, chicas?
It's intolerable.
You guys... you guys hungry?
I got... I got some soup dumps.
Keep it down out there!
They're probably soggy now,
but they're great cold!
- Good Lord.
- S'all right.
I'm going to pee in yourweird bathroom.
Watch my stuff.
Until all of us can pee without genitals,
none of us can.
[Molly] These motherfuckers.
"Your ugly" what?
How did you graduate sixth grade?
- [door opens]
- It's shocking to me.
[Theo chuckles] So, okay, so, I win.
- Marry the sex doll, okay?
- [Tanner] Right.
- [Theo] Fuck the soccer ball.
- [Tanner] Yep.
[Theo] And then, kill Molly.
[Tanner] Dude, no!
There's no other way, dude.
Like, I can't fuck her,
you know, 'cause...
when I'm scared, my dick can't get hard.
And then, like, I can't marry her,
'cause, well,
- I don't believe in the institution.
- Uh-huh.
[Theo] So I have to kill Molly.
And I know it'll haunt me.
I'm a peaceful person.
- That's very true.
- [laughs]
Wait, are you guys talking
about Molly Davidson?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[Triple A] That girl is so weird.
She always acts like she's, like, 40.
[Tanner] I wish she was fuckin' 40, man.
Women in their forties know themselves.
Oh, she's cute,
you know, yeah, I give her that,
but she'd probably make you quiz her
on her SAT analogies while you fuck her.
Dude, no, her vagina is probably stuffed
with diplomas, how much do you wanna bet?
That shit's like a filing cabinet
down there.
Well, I've got no problem
with a filing cabinet.
I would make passionate sex
to Molly Davidson.
Yeah, I'd just put a bag
over her personality.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- [Tanner] That's it.
Molly's like a butterface for personality,
a butter personality.
- [laughter]
- [Theo] Yeah!
- [Triple A] It's so bad.
- [Theo] Yeah.
- [toilet flushes]
- That's cool, man. What?
[Theo] Shit.
[stall door closes]
Oh, please, do not stop on my account.
Do you know what?
My vag is stuffed with diplomas.
Soon it's gonna be stuffed
with job offers,
and glowing profiles,
and commendations from the governor.
So, while you guys
were all studying AP hand jobs,
I was kicking ass and busting curves.
And I'm gonna continue to do that
at Yale next year.
I like my choices,
and whereveryou three are next year,
I hope you do, too.
I'm going to Yale, too.
I'm incredible at hand jobs,
but I also got a 1560 on the SATs.
No, you didn't.
I got in early.
- To Yale?
- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hm?
- [Triple A] Mm-hm.
Oh, um, Tanner,
where are you going to school?
Uh, I'm... I'm playing soccer at Stanford.
Stanford University? [chuckles]
What are you guys talking about? That's...
- No, yes, Stanford.
- Mm-hm. Stanford University.
Hey, I'm not going to college.
I got recruited to go code for Google.
I mean, it's not Apple,
but the bennies are pretty tight, man,
and it's mid six-figures,
so I'm not complainin'.
- That's my boy.
- So proud of you. Amazing.
You failed the seventh grade twice.
Rule of threes.
- You guys are serious?
- [Triple A] Mm-hm.
Hey, um, I'm gonna pretend
like I don't know you next year.
No offense.
This... this isn't possible.
You guys don't even care about school.
We just don't only care about school.
[Theo clears throat]
Well, I'm... I'm done.
- After... After you. After you, man.
- [door closes]
[clears throat] Sorry, excuse me.
[female voice] You've worked harder
than everyone who's ever doubted you.
[echoing] You've worked harder.
...doubted you.
- You okay?
- [exhales]
Nick, where are you going
to school next year?
- I thought we weren't supposed to talk...
- Just tell me!
Georgetown. Jesus.
- Hope, where are you going next year?
- No, I couldn't be less interested
- in, like, whatever this is.
- [groans]
Gigi, where the fuck
are you going to school next year?
Don't judge me, it was my fifth choice.
[breathing heavily]
[bell rings]
["Double Rum Cola" plays]
- Seniors rule!
- A double, double rum for ya
No ice, with a straw, yeah
Now, who could drive away
From the corner?
I'm a bitch, I cannot be bothered
I'm not here to ask about your mother
Don't care who you are
Don't care what you do
But if you buy my drinks
I can act like I do
A double, double rum cola
No ice, with a straw, yeah
Now, who could drive away
From the corner?
- I'm the number one customer
- [mouthing]
If you don't say something
In the next ten minutes
I'm gonna take you to the hospital
I don't wanna say
I'm getting concerned
But to be honest
I'm getting concerned
- This is fucked!
- I...
This is obviously not helping.
We chose. We didn't party
because we wanted to focus on school
and get into good colleges.
And it worked.
But the irresponsible people who partied
also got into those colleges,
they did both.
So we messed up.
We didn't have to choose. They did both.
We are the only assholes who did one.
Hey, we are not assholes, okay?
Let's just...
Come sit down, we'll cut the cake,
look at the memory box,
- celebrate the end...
- This is not a time to celebrate.
We have to go to a party tonight.
- What?
- Let's go to Nick's party.
No... Are you kidding? No. No way.
Amy, we only have one night left
to have studied and partied
in high school.
Otherwise, we're just gonna be the girls
that missed out.
We haven't done anything.
We haven't broken any rules.
Okay, we've broken a lot of rules.
One, we have fake IDs.
Fake college IDs,
so we can get into their 24-hour library.
Name one person whose life
was so much better
- because they broke a couple of rules.
- Picasso.
Yes, he broke art rules.
Name a person who broke a real one.
- Rosa Parks.
- Name another.
- Susan B. Anthony.
- Goddamn it.
Amy, I'm so serious.
They think that we're robots.
They think all we care aboutis taking
a million APs, and getting into Yale,
and editing Law Review at Georgetown,
and clerking for a federal judge
between junior and senior year
before eventually becoming
the youngest justice
ever nominated
to the Supreme Court of the United States.
In my case.
You get the point.
- Nobody knows that we are fun.
- We know.
They need to know.
Who's they?
We are not one-dimensional.
We are smart and fun.
We have to do this.
This is crazy.
We graduate tomorrow.
What if we get in trouble?
You know that we are too smart for that.
Plus, Ryan is gonna be there.
She wanted you to come.
You're finally gonna make your moves.
No, she's not...
You've been out for two years
and you've never kissed a girl.
I want you to experience this.
What will I be doing during that time,
you might ask?
I'm going to experience
a seminal fun anecdote,
and we are gonna change
our stories forever.
We were gonna watch that Ken Burns thing.
The Dust Bowl can wait, bitch!
What took them four years,
we are doing in one night!
- [clattering]
- Oh, Jesus!
Like the way I work it
Bend over showin' shots
All the hoes around here
Sittin' on they ass shots
Then I pop it, then I shake it like
An assquake more than all these fakes
I bet these bitches know me
I'm the baddest in the building...
- No!
- No!
- No. Not acceptable.
- Not okay.
Who allowed you to be this beautiful?
- Who allowed you to be this beautiful?
- Who allowed you to take my breath away?
- Call the paramedics, call the police.
- Who... No.
- 'Cause there has beenan emergency.
- I can't look right at it.
Not today!
Grip escape move!
Oh. Work.
Get it? Tushy?
Hand sanitizer.
College IDs.
Now, mace. Listen, it is very important
that you keep the safety...
- [sprays]
- [both] Oh!
- Ah! Amy!
- The safety's not on!
- [screams]
- Don't touch your eyes!
You have the same parts she does.
You just take what you do to yourself,
flip it upside down.
Well, I don't... I don't really...
Just a down, but a flip.
- I don't...
- A down flip.
Well... what if I don't use my hands?
You can make yourself come
using only your mind?
- No.
- That's the one thing my mind can't do.
No! Well, I use just... other stuff.
- [Molly] A book?
- [Amy] No.
Very Freudian,
but I'd worry about paper cuts.
No. Can we just stop talking about this?
- That little elephant?
- No! Stop!
That weird crochet pig?
My grandma gave methat
before she died!
If you don't tell me what it is,
you know...
It's the panda! It's the panda, okay?
The panda. Whatever. Just...
Can we just stop talking about this?
Please, for the love of all things.
[whispers] Quick question.
Just a quick Q.
What happened to her eye?
That fell off way before
anything happened between us.
- Does she talk dirty to you?
- Mm-mm.
- Tell you about how she's endangered?
- No!
- Stop!
- Do pandas roar?
- Stop!
- [laughing] You sneaky little bitch.
I can't believe you didn't tell me
that you have been mounting
that tragic panda
every single night! [laughing]
- Yeah.
- This is... Honestly, it's exhilarating.
I thought I knew everything about you.
I think it's healthy for a relationship
to have secrets, and now we have one.
Do I have a secret for you? Okay, yes.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- [whispers] I once tried to masturbate...
- Mm.
with an electric toothbrush.
But I got a horrible UTI.
I wish that would have been a secret,
but you've mentioned it many, many times.
Hey. Hey!
I need you to do the talking.
Why don't you just tell them
we're going to a party?
Because they'll ask too many questions.
They'll try to call Nick's aunt.
I've never lied to my parents before.
You know when I lie,
I just add too many details.
Just make up a story, but don't say
we're having a date night or anything.
Why? It's funny
your parents think we're boning.
No, it's not,
because you're not the one
who has to deal with their creepy smiles
when I tell them
I'm meeting you at the library,
when I'm actually
meeting you at the library.
Honestly, it's surprising
that Doug and Charmaine are supportive,
considering their whole Jesus thing.
It's nice.
- Charmaine, get to the safe room.
- Hey!
- We're bein' robbed by supermodels.
- Hi!
- Aw, you girls look fabulous.
- [chuckles]
- Oh...
- And smart, and also brave.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Aww!
- Are you guys cold?
- Oh, no.
- A little nippy.
I'll start a fire,
or I'll turn up the heat.
Just get the jackets off.
Dinner's about ready.
- Oh, you've gotta taste this.
- Well...
- Yeah.
- I'm calling it "diplo-meatball."
[all laugh]
- Sure.
- Don't engage them.
Oh, right, right, okay. Um...
Char-Char, Dougsicles,
would it be okay
if Amy stayed over at my house tonight?
- The... the night before graduation?
- Yeah.
You know, my mom can drive us
to the ceremony.
We just want as much time together
as we can before she leaves for Africa.
We made, uh...
mushroom cap and gowns.
- Yeah...
- We made special names for all this stuff.
- Great deal of care was taken.
- Well...
Every... I mean, look, uh...
Chips and sal-so long, high school.
- [girls chuckle]
- You know,cheese and...
sala-me being your dad
was the greatest honor of my life.
You know, e-everything has a name.
- O-love my baby girl. That's olives.
- [Charmaine] Yeah.
- Doug.
- [Charmaine] Do you know what? We get it.
- [Doug] But...
- We get it.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- We understand, okay?
- What you two have...
- We do. I'm sorry.
- What they have is very, very special.
- I'm sorry.
- [Doug] Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
Oh! It really is.
It is. You know, they say
you never forget your first...
- Special friend.
- Normal friend.
- [Molly] Yeah, my special friend.
- Mm. Yeah.
I'm just so thankful
we get to spend the whole night together
to really show each other
- how much we care about each other.
- Ah. Oh!
- That's great.
- [Molly] Mmm, my girl.
We'll probably just do
a Korean face mask.
Well, I don't need to know all the words.
[dance music playing]
- Okay.
- Go, go, go!
[Molly squeals] Whoo-hoo! That's it!
[Amy laughing] Oh, my God!
Nick's auntie's house
is about to be popping.
- Big ass party.
- Aunt Viv. Aunt Viv, I love you.
- Ten-four. That's for the boy.
- [ululating]
[Theo] Whoop! Whoop!
Ferris isn't trying to fall in love
- on his day off.
- He is.
- Oh, fuck!
- [Amy] God.
- Tanner ate a ghost pepper.
- Oh, my...
[Amy] He needs milk. Someone get him milk.
- That's... that's not gonna help.
- [boy] Oh, fuck!
- Oh, my...
- [girl] Oh!
[Amy] Oh, that's too much milk.
He.. he just had too much milk.
Fuck! No one is answering.
[yells] Somebody give me the address!
We've never hung out
with any of these people
outside of academic activities.
They probably think we're calling
about school stuff.
You're right.
Can we just call a Lyft?
We still don't know where we're going.
Do you know a Lyft driver
that knows where Nick's aunt lives?
I think I do.
Who are you calling?
Don't worry about it, chica.
- [music blasting]
- [engine revving]
[tires squeal]
Jesus Christ.
All aboard the SS Lit!
As fuck!
[clears throat]
The SS Lit As Fuck.
- No.
- I'm so glad you called.
Sorry it took so long. Traffic was nerts.
I'll co... I'll come...
It's like Guy Fieri's wet dream.
It's a means to an end.
May I offer you the front,
No? Goin' for the back? That's cool.
Back's great too.Great air flow
back there. Get on in there.
Okay. Time for some nights
we'll never remember
with friends we'll never forget, huh?
Jared, you know where the party is, right?
Absofruitly, ladies.
We are headed to the biggest, coolest
grad night party in town.
Can I get a what-what?
Jesus Christ.
No? That's okay. Maybe later.
It's over on the west side, so...
Get some tunes goin'.
[female voice] Random House Audio
presents Lean In... Women, Work
- and the Will to Lead.
- Okay.
- By Sheryl Sandberg with Nell Scovell.
- That's embarrassing.
I have this thing where I like to hear
the words ofpowerful women before I party
to remind myself of the respect and awe
you ladies deserve.
Internalizing the revolution.
I got pregnant with my first child
in the summer...
[sighs] I'll get somethin' peppy going.
We'll get this party started, huh?
Holy calamity, scream insanity
All you ever gonna be's
Another great fan of me
[cell phone ringing]
Sorry about that.
Jared, it's fine.
Isn't she your girlfriend or something?
What? No, she's...
No girlfriend for me. I can't pick faves.
Too many ladieswanna lock this down,
and they don't have the code.
- Well, that's my PIN number.
- [cell phone ringing]
Uh... but...
[clears throat]
Sorry, I'll just... What's up, Gig?
[Gigi] Jared, where the fuck did you go?
I left my tin of special things
in your car and I need it!
Okay, all right. Jeez, Louise!
Do I wanna know
what a tin of special things is?
[whispers] Oh, my God. This is drugs.
- What?
- What?
[nervous chuckle] Hey, Jare.
Jared, we're just gonna hop out here.
- Wait, what? Why?
- [Molly] No.
- She's kidding.
- No, I'm not.
Our... Our friend, she just texted us.
And she saidshe... she...
she hit a possum with her car.
- No! You know what kind of possum?
- [Amy] Yeah. It's bad.
But the possum didn't die.
Its adrenaline and... and rage
- just made it start chasing her...
- We are not hopping off. Keep driving.
What about the po... Is she gonna be okay?
Wanna text her and see if she's okay?
Enough about the possum!
Jared, you took Spanish, right?
Ah, s, s, mi bonita mujer.
[speaking Mandarin]
I'm not gettin' any of it.
[tires squeal]
Came in a little hot there. That's my bad.
- But we are here.
- What do we do? What do we do?
- Don't move, don't inhale.
- [Jared] All right.
Oh, shit.
There are drugs in my orifices.
Oh, no, that's...
It's not drugs.
That's just Gigi's vitamins.
Her... her what?
Yeah, you know, like vitamin D, B-12.Gigi
likes to crush them up and snort them.
She says they work better that way.
We'll get you cleaned up on board.
What? What do you mean, "on board"?
[Jared] Okay, now, you guys said
you wanted to go to the best party.
- So... I brought you to the best party.
- [music thumping]
Which is my party!
Prepare to get bashed!
[horn blares]
Not... Not in, like, a violent way.
Completely consensual bashing.
I don't know if that was clear.
"Prepared to get consensually bashed."
I'll have 'em change it.
What do you think?
You're serious, Jared? This is your party?
You don't wanna go
to Nick's lame house party. You don't.
A boat is international waters, right?
Maritime law.
Just come check it out for a little bit.
It's sick.
The catering company saidit's
the coolest party they've ever been to.
And I'll tell you somethin'.
They worked Sasha Obama's sweet 16.
- Up to you.
- What are we thinking?
- We still don't have Nick's address.
- Mm.
Someone on board might know where it is.
And I'd like to meet someone
who met Sasha.
Yeah, respect for Sasha. Okay.
- Yeah?
- [Molly] Mm-hm.
Let's go.
You guys excited?
["Batshit" plays]
Welcome to the club!
Oh, no.
Cool, huh? We're on a boat.
What's up with that?
There is not a soul here, Ames.
Ice tiger.
This is insane. You made gift bags?
There is an iPad in here.
Preloaded with photos of all of our best
high school memories, class of 2019.
Say what? Champagne?
There's a masseuse in the back,
male or female.
Gambling behind the bar. Do you guys tan?
I'm so happy you guys are here.
[sighs deeply]
- I knew you guys partied. Didn't I?
- You did, she said it.
I told him. "Those guys seem quiet,
but they're probably spending
every weekend at, like, a sex dungeon."
- [both] No.
- Here, try one of these strawberries.
- [exhales]
- [Amy] No.
- No, no, no...
- Mmm...
[all] Mmm...
- Ah.
- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- Not bad.
- That's pretty good.
Batshit, batshit, batshit
Batshit crazy
- Mmm...
- Batshit, batshit, batshit, batshit...
Oh, God, you taste like my vitamins.
- Uh...
- I think I'm in love with you.
I don't think you are.
- You're coming with me.
- What?
Dance party upstairs!
Yeah! Whoo!
- No, wait!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Amy? Amy? Amy? Ame, we're not...
Look what I found... with your name on it.
Come on, too cool.
How do you feel, huh? You look stoked.
- Chicken spring roll?
- No, thank you.
Oh, you, uh...
You want?
Oh, no thank you.
Not a drug person.
Not even pot?
I feel like it could help you relax.
- Nope. Doesn't work for me.
- Huh.
DJ Rod!
- What the fuck?
- [scratching]
- Jared... stop.
- [loud bass sounds]
- Jared, wrap...
- [air horn blasts]
Take the helmet off! Take the helmet off!
This isn't working.
You can't buy people's affection.
[sighs] Um...
No, I'm pretty sure you can.
'Cause I've seen it a lot.
My parents did it.
- Their parents did it.
- Just stop trying so hard, okay?
People sense it, it turns them off.
But you try hard.
You try hard and everything.
That's what I like about you.
- I didn't mean it like...
- I'm just gonna...
- I meant more like...
- I'm gonna go.
- Lamb meatball?
- Motherfucker! You're everywhere!
One time I ate a legal pot brownie
when Model UN went to Amsterdam.
And as soon as I got high,
I just cried about the fact
- that one day my mom will die, so...
- [gasps]
- I had the exact same thing.
- Really?
I lost my virginity
in what I thought was a park, but...
it turned out to be a graveyard, and now
the ghost spirits live inside my eggs
waiting to be reborn.
That's not at all the same.
I always felt like we were similar.
- God, I'm gonna miss you.
- Oof.
Hey. You can't smoke up here.
- Oh...
- What'd you say to her?
- I said it to you, you can't smoke.
- Um...
You do not speak to her that way.
Is... Is the her me? 'Cause I'm fine.
That is my best friend
in the fucking world!
- We're not, she's not...
- We'll fucking fight you to the death!
- [shatters]
- Oh!
Okay, I'm calling security.
- Amy, we need to get the fuck outta here...
- Oh, my God!
- Light 'em up, Luanne! It's go time!
- Um...
- [fireworks exploding]
- There's only one thing left to do. Jump.
- No! Off the boat?
- Wait, what? No! No!
- No, seriously...
- You...
- What are you guys doin' up here?
- Swan dive into the future!
Grip escape move!
- [yelling]
- No, no, no!
- Gege? Gege?
- [screams]
- Ooh!
- Holy fuck!
Gege, are you okay?
- She's okay. Bail, bail, bail, bail!
- Just bail.
Oh, my God!
I am so sweaty!
Oh, my God!
We need to figure something out
before we get to Nick's.
- You still want to go to Nick's?
- You don't?
Well, dude, we went to a party.
We did it. Let's go home.
- Amy...
- Don't do your lecture voice.
That was not a party.
Well, it definitely was a party.
That was a detour.
We are A-plus people,
and we are going to an A-plus party.
Like this.
[phone vibrates]
Oh, my God, Alan responded.
We have the address!
Okay, I'm calling a Lyft.
Oh, my score is...
My score is very low.
I'm much too abrasive with the drivers.
You should call.
I'm gonna go home.
But if you wanna go to Nick's,
you should really go. Seriously, go.
- I'm calling Malala.
- Wow.
You know you only get,
like, one Malala a year?
Yeah, I'm calling it.
Full support, no questions asked,
you are coming with me.
[inhales deeply]
All right.
[dance music plays]
[Amy] Oh!
[Molly] Oh!
Um... okay. Jordan?
Yeah, and you're Am...
You know, I-I, um...
this job's a good way to supplement
the, uh... the old income.
You know, teachers' salaries today
and all, so...
- It's terrible.
- Yeah, it's a disgrace.
Meet new people
and see new parts of the city,
and run into old friends.
- [whispers] Friends?
- Plus, I'm writin' a book now.
[both] Oh.
- Yeah, yeah. I'm not just a principal.
- Cool.
Nothing more exciting or daunting
than the blank page, you know?
One book I'm thinkin' about doin'
is a book of quotes.
Nothing more daunting or exciting
than the blank page.
But, yeah, that's one idea. I'm thinkin'
about doin' a detective novel.
Actually, you know what?
You two will love...
Amy, you'll love this.
It's a, uh... a female detective.
- Oh, really?
- A lady detective.
- Yeah, how about that?
- Interesting.
Yeah, she's, uh... And she's pregnant too.
Still workin'.
And, uh, you know, the baby,
whenever she's, like, close to a clue,
or, like, one of her hunches is,
like, uh, you know, close,
the baby kicks,
you know, and the harder it kicks,
the closer she is.
And, uh, that's where I'm at right now.
I... I... I don't know what to do
once, um...
you know, when she, um, gives birth.
- But, um...
- [Amy] Hmm.
- [horns blare]
- Hey, you dumb son of a bitch!
Choose a lane!
That was nuts.
- Don't know what that was.
- [chuckling nervously]
Oh, this town.
Ah, the angry people in this town...
Want some music maybe?
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- Yeah.
["Give Up The Funk" plays]
We're gonna tear the roof off
The mother sucker
Dude, we're gonna get to Nick's so late.
It's fine.
Everybody shows up to parties late.
It's like, it's cooler to be late.
We're gonna arrive right at the crest.
Before you know it,
you'll be neck deep in Ryan.
Neck deep in what direction?
- You tell me.
- I don't know. I don't know anything.
This is like your nightmare about
having to land a commercial airliner,
but much, much worse.
I mean, is it? Is it worse?
Well, yeah.
I had the lives of 100 people
in my hands.
My crew was counting on me.
I was their Sully.
- I'm really stressed about it.
- I-m... Okay, I know you are.
If only there was just...
a video of people hookin' up.
Sorry, are you talking about porn?
- All I'm saying...
- No.
No one would know
if you watched one porn one time.
Think of it as a documentary.
Just a sexy documentary. It's a hot doc.
All of those women
are European trafficking victims.
Excuse me, ma'am, are you judging
other people's sexual preferences?
- 'Cause you fuck a panda every night.
- "Fuck a panda..." So fucking funny!
Are you about to say you're gonna judge me
for dabbling in pornography?
- Thought you were a sex-positive feminist.
- Are you insane?
Principal Brown is right there.
- I have headphones.
- He's four feet away from us.
I have headphones, madam.
All right, but once we get a sense
of the mechanics,
- I am shutting it off real quick.
- Of course.
It's for educational purposes.
- Educational purposes.
- A whole lot of rhythm goin' round
Oww, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Oww, we need the funk
Plug in. Your phone's gonna die.
- Oww, we want the funk
- Um...
Give up the funk
- Principal Brown?
- Oh. [chuckles]
Principal Brown was my dad.
- Uh...
- Just call me Jordan.
No, thank you. Principal Brown?
- Yes.
- I'm so...
Uh, do you have a phone charger?
- No, I don't.
- Oh.
Got like 13.
Yeah, here. Here you go. Catch.
Didn't know you could do that
from that angle.
Oh, wait, what did I miss?
- Go back, actually.
- Yeah, scroll back.
- The part... Wait, start right there.
- Oh, there.
If you guys want to listen to your music,
I can just plug it in up here.
- No! No! No!
- No! No!
- No, fuck!
- [loud sex sounds]
[woman moans] That's fuckin' hot.
- [loud sex sounds continue]
- Yes!
Come on! Come on!
[video stops]
Don't touch me.
Was that Cardi B?
- [tires squeal]
- [laughs]
- You... Oh, my God! You are the...
- I cannot believe it!
- You are the devil!
- I'm gonna die!
I'm literally gonna physically die!
- [doorbell rings]
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
Come in.
[jazz playing]
[Alan] He's dead!
What the fuck?
He's dead!
- Wh... Who's dead?
- [Alan] My husband.
He's been killed!
Okay, Alan, you don't have
to do your entrance
every time somebody arrives, okay?
- What are you guys doing here?
- What is going on?
It's a murder mystery party.
- I've been planning it for months.
- Wait, this is your house? Alan?
Alan, I was so clear in my text
we are looking for Nick's party.
My husband, Robert,
was an esteemed Broadway director
and the love of my life.
And he's been killed.
- Like a dog in the street.
- [mouths]
- Was he stabbed?
- That sounds very tragic.
But there's been a mistake.
We're looking for Nick's party.
Do you have the address? We can't find it.
I don't know a Nick.
I only know sorrow...
and grief.
Okay, you're at a ten.
I need you at a two.
[Alan] I have a wake to plan.
Okay, well, if you guys are here,
you might as well take
some of the extra characters
- since two people decided not to show up.
- No...
- Adorable farmer new to the city.
- We don't need characters.
- We're not staying.
- Hideous barrenorthodontist.
Why am I barren?
Am I here to farm
or have I given up that life?
This just says "orthodontist."
- Your backstories are in the packets.
- [Molly] No, no.
We are not staying.
We're going to Nick's party.
- We can just stay for...
- No.
- The one where someone ate a ghost pepper?
- Yes.
Yeah, somebody here came from there,
I think. Maybe the mayor.
Go! Immerse yourselves.
[English accent]
Review your histories in the parlor.
Okay, if your characters aren't married,
hands off each other.
[Gigi sobbing] No!
[continues sobbing]
Do not go gently.
Oh, she's really good.
Oh, my God! You guys are here.
- How'd you get here?
- What the fuck?
How did you get here?
And how are you dry?
How are you dry?
Aaron, I can see you breathing.
Gigi? Mm. Dig deeper.
- I don't know what...
- I don't...
- She was like...
- Oh!
I can't think about it.
Oh, is it over?
No! Stop! Mom, do not talk to the actors!
The house is mine till 11 p.m.
[growls] Cindy, I swear to fucking God!
- Jesus Christ! God.
- Gigi! What the fuck?
Guys, the re-election is coming up
and Ineed to know
if I have to buy your votes.
Wait, are you the mayor?
Do you know where Nick's party is?
Of course I do.
I know where all the parties are.
Where is it?
Come into my office, now.
Okay, thank you.
In, in, in. Go, go, go.
Come, come, come. Now, now,now!
[Gigi hums]
You can't tell anyone.
We won't.
Not even each other.
Nick's party...
[sighs deeply]
is at...
his aunt's house.
We know it's at his au...
Amy, I swear to God,
I need to get out of here.
By the way, I am pretty impressed
with how well you guys
are holding it together.
You're doing fantastic.
What do you mean?
I thought the strawberries
would have hit by now.
Why would strawberries hit?
Because they were dipped
in an unbelievably potent drug.
- [exhales heavily]
- It's like ayahuasca, but Asian.
I told you guys that, right?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- I can't...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [operatic music plays]
[distorted speech]
[Amy] Pull me back in.
Pull me back in.
Oh, my mom has a scarf that color.
Listen to me.
We're gonna be fine.
One time I threw up,
and my mom caught it in her hands,
'cause she loves me.
We are healthy,
nubile, young women,
and we just need to stay calm.
We are gonna be...
[rhythmic drumming]
[light jazz playing]
[Molly] What?
What the fuck?
[Amy] What the fuck? What is happening?
Why do you look like that?
Uh, Molly, y... you're a fucking doll.
- No, you're a fucking doll.
- What?
Ow! Fuck, that hurt.
And my boobs are too heavy.
I have no core.
Our legs don't bend.
They're twice as long as our torsos.
These proportions are insane!
Where's my chub?
Wait, where are you going?
- [Molly] This is crazy.
- [Amy] Wait for me.
[Molly gasps]
I have to see for myself.
Well, I've never done the splits
in my life.
Help! Molly, help me!
Oh, my God! Don't look down, Amy, no!
[stammers] I... I can't reach!
You have to put my heel in your hole.
- My heel...? Your heel in my what?
- Your hole!
- What hole?
- The corn hole!
Oh. Fuck!
- [grunts]
- [groans]
Oh, my God.
Um, what the fuck am I wearing?
Where's my vag?
Uh, Molly, I have no genitals.
How do I pee? How do I shit?
I mean, I don't even have nipples.
These are just mounds.
My whole body's like a fucking dolphin.
Just... just...
Perfect, round.
- Huge mounds.
- Uh, what?
Look at my body. I am beautiful.
- No, don't get sucked in.
- Ah, push it
This is our nightmare, Amy.
I know this is unrealistic
and bad for women,
but... is it bad?
Because I feel pretty good.
I mean, this ass won't quit.
Amy, use your brain!
I don't need to use my brain.
I just need to be smooth and flexible.
Look at you, you bad bitch.
Okay, that's it, we have to wake up.
My, my, my. Mm.
I think I might, like,
actually stay here for a while.
No, I won't let you do this.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop!
[grunts] You need to throw up.
Let me have this body!
Now that the amuse-bouche
of bacon-wrapped dates is over,
why don't we play a rousing round
of J'accuse!
- [glass shatters]
- [thumping]
Fuck you, George.
Who is she supposed to be?
[door closes]
The orthodontist.
[inhaling deeply]
- We're okay.
- [exhales]
We're okay.
- [exhales]
- We did it.
We went... we went to two parties,
we did drugs.
We can say we went out.
- Let's go home.
- What?
- No, the plan is to go to Nick's.
- [groans]
We have to stick to the plan.
Dude, nothing has gone
according to plan tonight.
Which is why we have to stickto the plan.
Let's call another Lyft.
Why are you being so pushy?
Honestly, pushy is a compliment.
You know who else was pushy?
Diane Sawyer, Joan of Arc,
- Queen Noor of Jordan...
- I know where Queen Noor is from!
Once we get to Nick's,
all of this will be worth it.
Just forget about about Nick's!
No one will even tell us where it is.
Why are you being so obsessed
with his party?
- [Gigi] Because she loves him.
- Oh, my God.
Gigi, stop doing that!
- What did you say?
- Molly loves Nick.
Can you please stop
repeating that sentence?
Because it's not true.
- Molly hates Nick.
- Thank you.
She projects disgust
to cover up a deep desire.
No. No. N-O. Thanks.
Uh, you actually... You drugged us
and tried to throw us off a boat.
I did. I did.
So nothing you say is of any value to us.
- So... Oh, you're...
- [trilling]
Yeah, no, you can stop flipping me off
because you should flip off,
so shut the fuck up.
- [growls]
- Madam Mayor, what are you doing out here?
George locked himself in the closet.
[Gigi] Fuck!
- Dude.
- [door closes]
I don't like him.
[sighing] Yes, maybe he is...
classically, traditionally handsome
and weirdly charming,
and maybe my innate biology
registers him as an ideal mate,
and yes, maybe I occasionally fantasize
about him sweeping me off my feet.
And some weaker people
might call that a tiny crush,
but I can ignore it,
I can fight against it,
because we all have weird interests.
And the important thing is
that we just... we shove 'em down
and we never speak about them again.
You don't have to shove anything down.
[inhales] Yeah.
[chuckling] Yeah. Yeah, I do,
because I can't like him.
Maybe my body can like him
but my mind knows that that's stupid,
because he's just... he's a jock,
and all he cares about
is being cool and having fun,
and he doesn't even look at girls
unless they look like Triple A.
And he definitely doesn't want me
because I'm a butter personality.
How dare you say that
about my best friend?
Amy, you fucking slapped me...
If you ever say anything like that
about yourself again,
I will fucking lay you out, okay?
You are the strongest, coolest,
smartest, most stunningly
gorgeous creature
this high school and this Earth
has ever seen.
And Nick Howland would be so fucking lucky
to be a footnote in your story.
So we're going to his party.
Are you serious?
I am dead serious.
If Nick's what you want,
then that's what you deserve.
How? How are we gonna find out
where the party is?
By doing what we do best.
Motherfuckin' homework.
["Attitude" plays]
Brushed my hair, went downstairs
Favorite jeans on my rear
And I looked up in my mirror
And I said, "Who's that there?
Who's that there in that mirror?"
I don't care and they're aware
Now I see just why they stare
I just pay them, I don't care
I know
So what I got a attitude?
Bitch, I got a attitude
- I will now be attempting...
- [Amy] Wait. Look.
[Theo] ...15 pizza boxes.
How many orders that big do you think
Lido's could have filled tonight?
- Genius.
- Yeah.
["Come Down" plays]
Y'all niggas got me hot
I said
Well, that's exactly
What a nigga came for
Huh, you doin' shots from afar
Two half-cheese, half-sausage pizzas
are just one cheese and one sausage pizza,
you fucking morons.
Don't I make it look easy?
Oh, God.
Don't I make it look good?
Hey, now you drank up all my liquor
Come on
What I'm supposed to do now?
You talkin' all that shit
- Everybody down! 911! Stay down.
- Oh, my God! What the fuck?
Fuck! What the fuck is this?
- We ask the questions!
- Oh, my God.
Oh, shit, shit!
Is this some Manson family shit?
- What is this?
- No!
No! Everything is gonna be just fine!
You're just gonna give us the address to
where you delivered some pizzas tonight.
Oh, my God. Are you guys out of your
fucking mind? How old are you, by the way?
- Uh...
- [deep voice] Does not matter!
Okay, that voice did not
make you sound older.
So you're basically children,
and you just willingly got in the car
of a strange man.
Do you guys have a weapon?
If we claim to have a weapon,
this might be a felony.
- Yes.
- Okay, so you're using your hair as a mask
and trying to rob someone with no weapon.
'Cause the funny thing is,
- I actually have a weapon.
- [screaming] Fuck!
- Dear God, no! You have a gun?
- Fuck! No!
I keep that to protect myself
from bad people,
something you guys shouldthink about.
Did the... did the possibility
of sexual assault ever enter your minds?
Not really.
Yeah, not really, I can tell.
You were spendin' more time on,
like, the hair
and that... that whole part of it,
maybe, yeah.
'Cause... 'cause we're like...
right by the freeway.
I could have you across the state line
in, like, 40 minutes,
take you to some cabin,
hog tie your ankles,
leave you in a room
with, like,a saucer of milk
and videotape the whole thing
for a couple days.
- What?
- What?
- No.
- Think about that.
- What?
- No, I'm not gonna think about...
We just need you to give us the address
to where you delivered
this huge order tonight.
Oh, shit, that p...
Okay, you know what?
- Let me give you the address.
- [gasps]
I feel like if I don't...
- [excited gasping]
- guys are so stupid,
some dog walker's gonna find
your bodies tomorrow under some overpass.
- Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
- Don't show me your pass code!
- Oh, that's fair!
- Okay, sorry.
- That's the whole thing with pass codes.
I'm just copying the address.
- That's your private information.
- [sighs]
- Thank you!
- Thank you so much! [laughing]
- Oh, my God!
- [sighs]
Quick Q.
Now that we're already in your car,
would you mind driving us there?
[slaps leg]
Yeah, why not?
- Oh, great!
- I'm being sarcastic!
- Get the fuck out of my car!
- [both] Oh!
- Okay!
- Thank you so much!
Don't trust people. Oh, my God.
[both laughing]
[Amy] Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- You were incredible! You were so scary.
If you were a criminal, you'd be
the best fucking criminal in Los Angeles.
Aaah! Oh!
Okay. Great, let's call a chariot.
Fuck! I left my phone in his car!
Why did I have to use a visual aid?
- Wait!
- It's okay!
Amy, Amy, we will get it tomorrow.
It's fine. I'll use mine. I'll use mine.
I'm at two percent?
Why the fuck am I at two percent?
Why is my battery so low?
The porn. We streamed a lot of porn.
Just... Just... Just call a Lyft.
No, I can't call a Lyft,
because if my phone dies and the driver
can't contact us, we are fucked!
- [sighs]
- Unless...
- Pick up, pick up.
- Who are you calling?
Hi, it's Molly and Amy. We're
at Lido's Pizza on Victory Boulevard.
We are stranded.
Please pick us up, we need...
It died.
[distant siren wailing]
- [Amy] We could hitchhike.
- Are you aching to be murdered?
[Amy] Well, I'm just throwin' out
suggestions here.
[vehicle approaches]
You girls need a ride?
- [chuckles]
- [squeals]
[both screaming]
- [Amy] Shotgun!
- I'll take the front!
- So cool! Just gonna...
- [laughing]
- Amy, what are you doing?
- No, I...
My... My legs are, like,
half an inch longer...
Okay, you know I get car sick, Amy.
What... Oh!
- Just let me go!
- [Amy] You're embarrassing me.
- Stop...
- [Molly] You're embarrassing me!
Thank you so much, Miss Fine.
You totally saved us.
Please. You two saved me
from re-watching Gilmore Girls.
I've seen it, like, 50 times.
Okay, wait, so what is this address
I'm taking you to?
It's, uh...
it's Nick Howland's aunt's house.
It's... It's... It's a party, technically.
You two want me to drive you
to an unsupervised house party?
Oh... well...
Good. I'm glad you guys are having
some fun before graduation. Uh!
[both sigh]
[chuckling] Really?
Yes. Oh, my gosh, yes. I don't want
you guys to make the same mistake I did.
What do you mean?
I spent the majority of my 20s
overcompensating for the fact
that I never had fun in high school.
And, you know, the pendulum then swung
in a completely different direction.
I mean, I went crazy.
I had some really dark moments
there in my 20s,
like, some really dark moments.
Like, it was bad.
You know I'm banned from Jamba Juice?
Like, not a single Jamba Juice,
like every Jamba Juice.
That came down from corporate.
Do you know how many Jamba Juices
there are in this country?
Like, a bajillion.
It's a national chain, it's a sensation.
I cannot have another Mango-A-Go-Go
ever again.
But, look, I don't want that for you.
Okay? You still have a chance.
I want you two to go to this party,
and I want you to have fun.
Because tonight is your night.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes.
- Yes.
So, what are you two wearing?
Uh, we were thinking...
Well, just this...
this... this, uh... this look.
You do know you guys are matching, right?
We added this embellishment here.
Well, lucky for you two,
I'm a single woman livin' in Los Angeles,
so I got a lot of shit in this car.
Why don't y'all go through
some of those bags?
I'm sorry, we can touch your clothes?
Yes, please. Please, touch my clothes.
- Please get a change of clothes.
- This night!
[bass vibrating loudly from speakers]
[both sigh]
- Um...
- Um...
- Oh...
- Mmm...
[both, in harmony] Mmm...
- I have no breath.
- What?
Excuse me?
- Sorry, what?
- I have nowhere to go with this.
- It's too perfect.
- You are literally glowing.
You've hit the level of perfection
and now I'm just...
- Be still my heart.
- You just came out of the water.
You're fresh from the water,
you're a mermaid here.
How are you so fucking shiny?
Can you fetch me an inhaler?
I can't breathe.
- Um, my eyes. Ow, ow!
- I'm physically unable...
Ow, my eyes hurt so bad
from your beauty.
- Um, exsqueeze me, ladies.
- [Amy] Oh.
- Oh, sorry.
- There's a... a party to get to.
- All right.
- I will see you two inside, all right?
Just kidding. Imagine if I did, though.
- [Amy] Just kidding.
- Imagine if I just went in.
That'd be weird, right?
- [laughing]
- That'd be so fun.
- Anyway, see y'all later.
- [Amy] Okay, bye.
[breathing heavily]
["Look At These Hoes" plays]
[Amy sighs] Love you.
[Molly] Love you.
Look at these fros, these clothes
This dough, this gold lookin' evil
Look at me, then look at these hoes
These bitches ain't fuckin' with me
Kill her
Look at these fros, these clothes
This dough, this gold lookin' evil
Look at me, then look at these hoes
These bitches ain't fuckin' with me
Kill her
- [music stops]
- [wind whistling]
[footsteps echoing]
[romantic orchestral overture plays]
[mid-tempo dance music plays]
- [Theo chuckling] Whoa.
- [Tanner] Another?
- Here.
- Aaaah!
You good?
[Theo laughing]
- Whoo!
- El Presidente!
- And the protest lady!
- Whoo!
[Tanner] Welcome, my little turtledoves.
How are you?
Do you guys want to drink or smoke?
Let me know, okay? I'm your guy tonight.
I'll take care of you. You're the best.
You guys honestly freak me out.
But I'm gonna miss you guys.
Okay? It's all love.
Class of '19... for fuckin' ever! Whoo!
- Where? Where?
- Ryan, Ryan, Ryan.
Oh, God.
- She's glowing.
- [Molly whispers] Go get her.
Hug me.
- Okay. Get her.
- Phew. Okay.
Get her. Flick the bean!
Molly, here's to you, gorgeous.
- Thank you.
- Of course, of course.
Tanner, where's the rubbing alcohol?
There's nothing strong enough.
- No.
- Yep.
- No.
- [trills] I'm here.
I'm gonna go downstairs.
[Molly] Well...
Bye, Gigi.
["Boys" plays]
Ay, boy, whatcha say, boy?
You trying to play coy
Like a Game Boy?
Hit my phone, boy, is you home, boy?
Are you alone, boy?
Come give me dome, boy
- [Ryan] I'm so stoked you're here, dude.
- Thanks.
I've always wanted you to come out.
Oh, I-I am out.
[clears throat]
I came out in the tenth grade.
No. I meant, like, come out
and hang out on the weekend.
Oh, right, that... Hang out.
- Yeah, that's... that's what I meant also.
- You know,
you need to have a little bit of fun
before you go to Africa.
You remembered I'm going to Africa?
Of course. Aren't you gonna go to,
like, Uganda or something?
Botswana. They'd kill me in Uganda.
'Cause that's country's
not really a fan of gay people.
Oh, shit, that's crazy.
Would you be afraid to go to Uganda...
- [Gigi] Karaoke in the guest room!
- [Amy] Jesus!
God, I've missed you. Fuck.
Do you wanna go do karaoke
in the guest room? I love that girl.
- Come on, let's go.
- Okay.
- Do what?
- Make a girl go crazy
Uh, elbows.
Oh, fuck. Re-rack, please?
[laughing] Holy shit!
Wait, Molly's here?
What a fuckin' compliment
to get Molly to roll.
Dude, are you actually here right now?
Is this some mirage?
Am I fucking losing my mind?
Or did I actually get President Molly
to come out on her weekend?
It's a purely ceremonial visit.
- Okay, okay. Hey, why don't you sit here?
- [chuckles]
Yeah, right next to me, please.
Sit here and let's go.
I've been fuckin' waitin' for this
since, like, seventh grade.
- Please. It's for you.
- Oh.
This song goes out to my cast.
[George clears throat]
I want you to know
That I'm happy for you
I wish nothin' but
The best for you both
An older version like me
Is she perverted like me?
Will she go down on you in...
Miss Fine.
- [ice cubes rattle]
- ...Fine.
Seora Fine.
You ever made love to a Mexican?
[both] Ooh, ooh, whoo!
Hey, listen, this pong
- is actually supposed to be my thing.
- Hm?
So if you could just tone it down
for my sake, my self-esteem...
No, I think you just have
to step up your game.
- Oh!
- You just have to rise to my level.
- It's not my fault.
- [laughing] To her level.
It's crazy we haven't hung out
outside of school before, you know.
I used to think you were all work
and no play, but...
you're actually pretty fun.
I am fun.
[sighs] Okay.
Hi, Miss Fine.
Hi, Theo.
And every time you speak her name
Does she know that you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here
To remind you
Of the mess you left
When you went away
It's not fair
[Ryan] Whoo!
To deny me
Of the cross I bear
That you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know, Alan!
You seem very well
Things look
["Wildfire" plays]
This is amazing.
[whispers] You're amazing.
You're 20, right?
You've got a mic. You've gotta sing.
- No.
- Please.
- No.
- Come on. Please?
Do it for me. Come on, Amy.
- For you, okay...
- [music fades]
[high-pitched ringing]
But you're still alive
And I'm here
To remind you
Of the mess you left
When you went away
It's not fair
You can tell she's not supporting.
No breath control. But it's good.
- It's on pitch. Yeah.Yeah.
- I support you, okay?
That you gave to me
You, you, you
Oughta know
- [cheering]
- Oh, my God! Oh!
- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, God!
- [laughs]
- Of course.
- Nick, you need more...
- [laughs] Are you okay?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You need more of an arc.
Like... no, too much flick. Like, hoo.
See, well, that's easy for you to say
when you're, like, three feet tall.
I'm lookin' straight down at it.
How tall are you?
How many times
Did you tell me to leave?
How tall do you think I am?
You live a dramatization
Your education seems
To only come from TV, I say
You live and breathe
But your vision ain't clear
- Five-four?
- [chuckles]
My teammates usually aren't this mean.
Oh, no, no, no,
they're usually blonde and skinny,
- and they don't drink carbs.
- Uh... No, no way, okay?
I fuck with Hufflepuffs.
Hu... Hufflepuff, like Harry Potter?
I mean, what, are you, like a...
half-Slytherin, half...
Ravenclaw, yep?
That is exactly what I am.
Yeah, you are.
[yelling and cheering]
Oh, fuck.
Okay, see, I'm gonna go take care of them,
make sure they don't kill themselves.
- But you stay right here, yeah?
- Yeah.
Okay, don't move. I'll come back
in a moment. Don't move.
- I'm not gonna move.
- Don't move. Yeah?
- I feel like you're gonna move.
- No, I'm not... I'm not gonna move.
- Don't move.
- Okay.
["Slip Away" plays]
Don't hold back
I want to break free
'Cause it's singin' through your body
And I'm carried by the sound
Every drum
Every single beat
They were born from your body
And I'm carried by the sound
Oh, ooh, love
They'll never break the shape we take
Oh, ooh
Baby, let all them voices slip away
Don't look back
I want to break free
If you never see 'em comin'
You'll never have to hide
Take my hand
Take my everything
If we only got a moment
Give it to me now
Oh, ooh, love
They'll never break the shape we take
Oh, ooh
Baby, let all them voices slip away
No caressing, no caressing
No caressing, no caressing, no
Oh, ooh, love
They'll never break the shape we take
Oh, ooh
No, love
They'll never break the shape we take
Oh, ooh
Baby, let all them voices slip away
[echoing gasps]
[breathing heavily]
Oh, my God, there you are.
How's it going? Did you find Ryan?
Did you guys go in the pool?
- What's going on?
- Molly...
Things are going so well over here,
like really, really, really well.
I'm being so mean to him,
but it's working.
We talked about Harry Potter.
He knows I'm a Slytherin.
- He seems to like it.
- I think we should go home.
Wait, what? No. Just... just dry off.
No, I think we need to leave.
Come on, let's go.
Are you nuts? No. He...
- Nick is fully...
- No.
He's fully flirting with me.
This actually might happen.
- Listen to me, this might happen.
- No, no.
Molly, please, I'm asking you,
let's just go, okay?
- Ame, just go find Ryan. It'll be great.
- Malala!
Amy, no.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I...
I've done whatever you wantedall night,
and I'm calling Malala, so come with me.
No, I'm not leaving just because
you're doing the thing that you always do.
What is that supposed to mean?
Just... You...
You talk a big game, and then you give up
just when things get uncomfortable.
Like you jumped in the pool, and now
you're sad that you're wet, like...
- That's bullshit, Moll, that's bullshit.
- No...
If I didn't drag you to do things,
you just wouldn't do them.
You... you... you don't drag me.
You force me to do
whatever you want to do.
What does that even mean?
You decide what we do and when we do it,
and then we always
have to do it together,
- all the time.
- I have to decide
because you literally decide nothing.
Like, I do all the heavy lifting
in our friendship.
- You never take charge.
- I take charge all the time!
You never take charge!
I always have to push you.
Without me, you wouldn't do anything.
- I'm going to Africa without you.
- Yeah, I encouraged your summer abroad.
I'm not going for the summer.
I'm going for the entire year.
I'm taking a gap year.
I deferred Columbia until next fall.
When did you decide that?
When I applied.
In January? You've been lying to me
since January?
Yeah, because I knew if I told you,
you'd bully me into staying.
So all our schedules are gonna be off now.
We're not gonna graduate together,
not gonna go
on a post-college trip together,
we're not gonna move to DC together,
our whole plan...
That was your plan!
That was never my plan.
- It's always your plan!
- I can't believe you!
You think
that going to Africa makes you tough,
and you weren't even fucking brave enough
to tell me about it!
You're a fucking coward, Amy!
You're selfish and mean!
You're a bad friend!
You're a fucking bad friend...
[instrumental music plays over dialogue]
[Hope] What the fuck?
I locked that.
Well, I guess you didn't.
What's wrong with you?
Fight with your wife?
Can you please just...
leave me alone?
Why are you even at a party?
Shouldn't you be, like, marching
in some meaningless protest somewhere,
or, I don't know,
in your bed doing homework?
You don't even know me.
- Pretty sure I do.
- No.
You're just one of those people
who claims they're honest,
or calling people on their shit,
when you're really just mean.
Wow, I take it back.
are a badass...
who takes no prisoners...
and cries in the bathroom at parties.
Why are you so cruel?
I just don't like meek people.
And you?
You're like Molly's little sidekick bitch.
Well, you're just a basic hot girl
who's gonna peak in high school.
[shuddering breaths]
["Just Like Love (Jam City Remix)" plays]
Cut just off the shoulder
When'd you get here?
A while ago.
See Amy? She fucking freaked out on me.
I don't know what's wrong with her.
Do people really think
I had sex with a prostitute?
You didn't?
Of course not. I haven't...
I haven't slept with anybody.
No one in this entire school
knows me at all.
Just like love, love, love
Except Gigi.
I'm a golden starfish!
Just like love
Gigi, the girl who jumped off your boat
and gave you a prison tat
while you were sleeping?
Oh, that wasn't about me.
She's a sad person, you know?
And yeah, she may be a little nuts, but...
she's the most loyal personI've ever met.
I mean, she once tried to shiv our mailman
because she thought he laughed at me.
Turns out, he wasn't...
he wasn't laughing at me at all.
He was just lookin' at a meme...
on his phone.
Plus, not everyone's lucky enough
to find someone like you and Amy.
I'm just doin' my best
so I can get out of here and...
find some people
who are into the same weird shit I'm into.
Not like sex stuff.
I mean, like, you know...
airplanes and musicals.
Just like love
I wanna design fuckin' airplanes.
Yeah, get rich off that, and then use
the cash to produce some new musicals.
Enough with the revivals already.
It's total bullshit.
Audiences deserve something original.
I think.
I don't know.
I should probably go make sure
that's not an actual dead man's float.
Well, see you at graduation, Molly.
Just like love
["Cold War" plays]
[breathing heavily]
Yellow-tinted lenses
- And a pink gelato
- Whoa.
- Um...
- Are you okay?
Yeah, sorry, I just, uh...
I just got a little dizzy
for a second there.
- Um...
- We can stop if you want.
No, we are not stopping.
[chuckling] Okay.
'Cause we aiming for the stars
With a point and hollow
- [grunts]
- Feelin' these songs
- [giggles]
- Mockin' jokes in college
- [grunts]
- Started this job
- Sellin' rocks and arrows
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, oh! Oh.
- [laughing] Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
Welcome to the days
Of the broke and shallow
But if we just spoke
Like we meant it
I should probably take off...
mine too.
This open part of me
The minute I know
The time we spent in
Came corrected
It's a nice dress.
- It's all she had.
- In my anatomy
[breathing heavily]
Miss Fine.
[laughing] Oh, my God. Of course.
Matter over mind if we're being honest
But you wander through your thoughts
Like a broken promise
In it for the monetary growth
And power
How... How... How is that for you?
Um, it's okay.
Is... Is there, like, another way
you would prefer, or, like, is this...
I ju... um...
[whispers] I don't think that's the hole
you think it is.
- Oh, my God.
- No, it's okay.
- Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- No, it's okay.
Oh, my God.
I just... I'm not used
to approaching it from that angle,
and my... my geometry was off...
- Seriously, don't worry about it.
- I'm sorry.
- Wh...
- Are... are you good?
Aah! Oh, my God!
- [groaning]
- What the... what the fuck? Oh!
- I'm so sorry.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Eww!
- Um...
- [shower running]
Are... Are you okay?
Amy, just go.
[breathing heavily]
[Hope] Please go.
Oh, sh... Please fucking leave.
- Sorry, I'm going as fast as I can.
- Go!
["Open" plays]
I'm a fool
For that shake in your thighs
I'm a fool
For that sound in your sighs
I'm a fool for your belly
I'm a fool for your love
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know you're faded
Mmm, but stay
Don't close your hands
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know you're faded
Hey, have you guys seen Amy?
- No.
- No.
[siren whoops]
What the...
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Amy! Amy! Amy!
We're fucking sitting ducks. They're gonna
come in here, they're gonna find us.
[girl] Shut the fuck up, Rob.
[radio chatter]
[breathing heavily]
I am not a coward.
All right, focus up.
Wait for my signal.
I'm gonna create a diversion.
["Oh Baby" plays]
Oh, baby
Oh, baby
You're havin' a bad dream
Here in my arms
Oh, sugar
You know, this is why people say
I gave guys roadside assistance, right?
You came to me
I gave them a ride home, that's all.
Could all be a bad thing
Okay, that's not true, I blew them.
But it's not like they ran out of gas
and I showed up to suck their dick
while they waited for help.
We hooked up in their car.
It makes sense to hook up in a car.
I'm not gonna, like,
suck a dick at my own home
where my father can walk in
at any moment.
Also, I wanna enjoy it. Fucking sue me.
That makes a lot of sense.
Oh, lover
You run from me
You know what the worst part is?
All the fucking girls call me that, too.
Like a bad scene
I knew, like, Ben and Max
and Dick Splinter would say stupid shit.
Oh, but please
I just...
- I didn't think the girls would, too.
- Please wake me
Amy never called you that.
For my love lies patiently
I'm sorry, I'm genuinely sorry.
Please, baby, please
Just, like, please don't call me Triple A
at Yale next year.
- And my love life waits for me
- I just want people to know my real name.
Of course.
Fuck, dude, no, not right now.
I'm sorry. That was bad.
- That wasn't my best.
- Come on.
- Jesus Christ.
- That was embarrassing for me.
- I'm sorry for that too.
- [laughs]
Wait, where the fuck do you live?
[cicadas chirping]
["Hail to the Chief" plays]
- [exhales]
- [phone buzzes
[music plays]
- Fuck!
- [music plays]
[radio chatter]
[Amy] All right.
- Well, just so you know, I know my rights.
- Oh, my God.
There are more prisons than colleges
in the United States.
- Did you know that?
- You're right.
And it costs $71,000
to house an inmate in California.
[laughing]That's more than Harvard.
- Yeah, really?
- Well, it seems excessive.
Shotgun. Just kidding. I don't have one.
[distant siren wailing]
[clears throat]
Oh, I'm actually... I'm actually here
for someone else. I'm so sorry.
- My mistake.My mistake.My mistake.
- Oh, my God!
Fuck you, dude.
Dude, you're in full-on jail. [chuckles]
Yeah, I know.
I'm so sorry.
[sighs] I mean, it's okay.
I'm gonna have to pay a fine
and go before the judge,
- but we both...
- No, I'm sorry.
Uh... I know women apologize too much,
but, in this case,
I have so much to be sorry for.
I was so selfish.
I... I was being a coward.
You called Malala.
I lied to you, Moll.
You were trying to save me from seeing
Nick rub his boner all up against Ryan.
Oh, my God, can you believe that,
by the way?
No. Honestly, no.
I would have guessed
that Nick hooked up with Theo
before I would have guessed Ryan.
Nick and Theo do have great chemistry.
Divine. I mean, it's palpable.
I'm sorry I'm so controlling.
I just can't imagine my life without you.
You are the motherfucker who got arrested
the night before graduation.
Oh, my God, graduation.
Molly, what... what time is it?
You have to go.
Yeah, why do you think I'm here?
You're coming with me.
Dude, no, I am screwed. I can't leave.
- You have to go.
- Amy...
I am not graduating without you.
So either I get arrested
and I join you in there or we go together.
We're gonna trade some information.
Because we have seen this man.
- [Amy] Is that Jared's car?
- [Molly] I'll explain later.
- [Amy] Am I driving?
- Of course you're driving!
- Need this. Go!
- Oh, that was my fault!
Okay, Waze says 19 minutes.
We're doing it in seven.
Let's fuckin' do this.
["Nobody Speak" plays]
[engine revving]
Picture this, I'm a bag of dicks
Put me to your lips
I am sick
I will punch a baby bear in his shit
Give me lip
[classical piano plays]
Hey, guys, let's go ahead and take a seat.
Hey, Evelyn.
I just wanted to say...
[purrs] Have a great summer.
That's what the kids are doin', right?
Have a great... [purrs]
All right, cool.
Cool, cool, cool.Sickening.
Morning, my queen.
So last night was amazing.
Can I see you again?
Good luck at Google next year, okay?
[whispers] Okay.
Did you fuck Miss Fine?
We the best
We will cut a frowny face in your chest
Little wench
I'm unmentionably fresh
I'm a mensch, yeah, correct
I will walk into a court
While it wrecks
Screaming, "Yes!
I am guilty, motherfu..."
Ha... Has anybody seen, uh, Molly?
'Cause we've gotta get started.
She kicks it off. Huh? Nobody?
'Cause I haven't seen her either
since yesterday
when we were at school, all of us,
at school together.
So, Molly warned me
she might be a little late
and tapped me to start her speech.
- Molly is gonna be late to graduation?
- Yeah.
- That doesn't sound like her.
- Right.
Well, uh, she also asked me
to remind you that... um...
I got it, uh...
This sort of thing happens all the time
on the Senate floor.
And if a senator isn't present for a vote,
- a proxy can call for a motion...
- Okay. That does sound like her.
- ...for the vote to take place...
- I got it. Thanks, Jared.
- her absence.
- Okay, so...
So she tapped you?
- Tapped me.
- Okay.
Yeah, fuck it, I approve, you're up.
You're gonna kick it off.
- Oh. [chuckling] Oh.
- Okay, there he goes.
- Yeah, yeah, Shantay, you stay, honey!
- Oh, Jared!
[George] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[cheering and applause]
[Alan] Look at you.
[cheering and whooping]
[feedback squeals]
[clears throat]
[Jared] Good morning.
Good morning.
I'm Molly Davidson.
[tires skidding]
Hey, you wanna hear a good joke?
Nobody speak, nobody get choked
- I am a woman.
- [laughter]
- I am a powerful woman.
- [student] My boy!
And I'm ready to take the fists
of my femininity to the status quo.
Straight, white man,
your time is...
[screaming and gasping]
Oh, my God, my car is fucked up.
[cheering and applause]
All right, I'm gonna go take my seat.
I'm gonna go take my seat.
Come on. Come on! Look who made it!
- [cheering and applause]
- Whoo!
- Amy!
- Amy!
I go look and I see you everywhere
And I think I love you...
Feelin' all right
A long time, see you don't see me
Lookin' at you
Thank you.
And I knew...
Okay. [chuckles]
Looks like Jared did a pretty good job.
Yes, he did.
- [cheering]
- Yes, he did.
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
[Molly] I...
I was so...
scared of you.
I felt like I had to prove
that I was better than you.
But really...
I don't know any more than you guys.
All I know is that
we have a lot more to learn.
'Cause this part's over.
And that's so sad.
But it was great, wasn't it? [chuckles]
Things are nevergonna be the same,
but... it was perfect.
And... And I may not have before, but...
I see you now.
And you're all pretty great. [chuckles]
- Don't let college fuck it up. [laughs]
- [cheering]
- [cheering]
- I... I see you.
Whooo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
Okay. Okay.
That went over,
but I will not be cutting down
my allotted time.
Gigi, hit the track.
- [snoring]
- [George scatting]
- That's pretty good.
- Know what's good?
If you roll these...
- Hm?
- ...and then you'll have more room.
- Oh, probably not rolling them.
- Yeah, but...
- Well, why does it have to be...
- Oh! Look! Oh!
- God, you're bringing Lingling.
- Mm.
- [Amy] Well...
- [Charmaine] Oh, Lingling! [gasps]
- [Amy] Um...
- No.
- Please be good to my Amy.
- I've gotta pack up.
- Make her feel like she's not so lonely.
- Pack it up.
Make her feel good. Mm!
- Amy, make it stop.
- [Amy] Gotta put that in the old suitcase.
Please don't put your face on the face.
Make it stop.
- On the head, on the neck.
- Not the nose.
- I got...
- Amy, there's...
Look who she's bringing.
[Amy] Okay.
- No!
- Oh, let me get in there.
No, no... [gasps]
Amy, there's, uh, someone here to see you.
- Hm?
- Who?
- [Amy] Oh.
- Why is she here?
Excuse me.
Amy, why is she here?
[dog barking]
I figured I'd bring back your clothes.
Oh. Thanks so much.
I don't...
I don't usually leave my underwear
in... in places that are...
that aren't my room.
Yeah, I figured.
So, um...
How... how...
Are... Are you... Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Are you okay?
You know...
- prison kind of changes you, but, uh...
- Mmm.
[Hope chuckles]
I'm fine.
I'm sorry, I just... I really don't know
what I'm doing with all that stuff yet.
Well, for...
someone who has no idea
what they're doing...
you kind of know what you're doing.
That's a...
- Um, that's cool.
- [Hope chuckles]
So, how... Uh...
How is your... How is...
How is your summer going?
I mean, wh... what are you doing for...
for the summertime?
I think I'm gonna backpack around
for a bit.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I don't know. Honestly, anywhere
I can find a couch to crash on.
I just... you know, I wanna see some stuff
before college.
That's... that's really cool.
Me too, that's...
that's why I'm taking a gap year.
[Hope] All right, well...
have fun, nerd.
[Hope chuckles]
Um, well, if... if you ever end up in...
in Botswana...
you'd have a couch to crash on.
[chuckles] Okay.
Well, technically, it won't be my couch,
'cause I'll be staying with a family,
- but I'm sure they'll be cool with it.
- Okay.
["Carries On" plays]
- Molly!
- One love
Amy, this thing drives like a cruise ship.
- Well, it's yours now.
- One love
Take care of the old Volvo for me.
Oh, speaking of vulva,
remember when you missed Hope's,
and you just went straight
for that butt hole!
I said... I said, "once a day."
- Hey, I have to stock up.
- Once a day.
- You're gonna be on a flight for 28 hours.
- I said you could mention it once a day.
- So I have to stock up.
- Aah!
[laughing] It's not my fault.
[both laughing]
[Amy sighs]
Yeah. It feels weird
to be on this side of the car.
It's like everything's... different.
Yeah, I can't believe
I'm not gonna see you tomorrow.
Call me on that weird
international flip phone, okay?
I will.
- Bye. I love you.
- Bye.
Love you. [chuckles]
- Go make those tampons, girl.
- I will. I... [laughs]
- Bye.
- Bye.
Oh, gotta get that bag.
Yep. Yeah, it's... it's a long trip.
Go get 'em.
What's a year?
My love
My darlin'
I've hungered for your touch
A long
Lonely time
And time
Goes by
So slowly
And time can do so much
- Oh, fuck!
- Fuck!
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- [yells]
- I was going through a thing!
- [yelling and laughing]
- You weren't... You're...
- Aah!
I was going through a whole fucking thing!
What the fuck?
- I can be the last one on the plane.
- What's wrong with you?
You wanna get pancakes?
Fuck, yeah, I do! Fuck, yeah!
["Nobody Speak" plays]
Get runnin'
Start pumpin' your bunions, I'm comin'
I'm the dumbest
Who flamethrow your function to Funyuns
Flame your crew
Quicker than Trump fucks his youngest
Now face the flame, fuckers
Your fame and fate's done with
I walk Charlie Brown, Peppermint Patty
Linus and Lucy
Put coke in the doobie
Roll moodies to smoke with Snoopy
I still remain
That dick grabbing slacker
That spit a loogie
'Cause the tolda of the toolie
Will murder you Frank and Moolies
Fuck outta here, yeah
Nobody speak, nobody get choked, hey
Nobody speak, nobody get choked
Hey, hey
Nobody speak
Nobody speak
Only facts I will shoot up
Baby duck if it quacks, with a Ruger
Top billin', come cops and villainous
Shots is blocked
Shipped out and bought
And you're feelin' it
El-P killin' it
Killer Mike killin' shit
What more can I say? We top dealin' it
Valiant without villiany
Viciously file victory
Burn towns and villages
Burnin', lootin', and pillagin'
Murderers try to hurt us
We curse them and all their children
I just want the bread
And bologna bundles to tuck away
I don't work for free
I am barely giving a fuck away
So tell baby Johnny and Mommy
To get the fuck away
Hey, yo, here's a gun, son
Now run, get it the gutterway
Nobody speak, nobody get choked, hey
Nobody speak, nobody get choked, hey
Nobody speak
Nobody speak
Nobody speak, nobody get choked
[upbeat instrumental music plays]
[George] Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh, ooh, ooh
- [Alan] Crockett, Crockett
- [George] Ooh, ooh, ooh
We will rock it, Crockett, Crockett
Ooh, ooh, ooh
- Put it in your pocket
- Ooh, ooh, ooh
Crockett, Crockett
Crockett, Crockett
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
[both] Crockett!
[cheering and applause]