Boot the Pigeon (2014) Movie Script

We won't see that part.
Yeah, I just want,
that's all I want.
Look at each other.
Hold it.
Let's go.
He got a frame
like a busted bike
He got a face that
nobody likes to see
Nobody but me
He got a thing or two
To learn about love
He act like he ain't
never heard of romance
So why'd I give him a chance
My baby can dance
My baby can dance
My baby can swing
My baby can shake me slow
So I don't need no other thing
My baby dance
My baby can dance
My baby can swing
My baby can swing
My baby hold me tight enough
To drive my cares away
My baby can
We go out to
the joint downtown
I dress up and he dress down
But it
It don't matter one bit
'Cause we got something
better than class
Who needs love when
love don't last that long
And all we need is a song
And my baby can dance
My baby can dance
My baby can groove
My baby can groove
My baby can shut me up
So I listen to
the music and move
My baby can
My baby can dance
My baby can sway
My baby can sway
My baby can hold
me tight enough
To drive my cares away
My baby can bop bop bop
Dee dee dee
Bop da da
Da da da ha ha ha
Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo
My baby can dance
My baby can dance
My baby can swing
My baby can swing
My baby can hold
me tight enough
To drive my cares away
My baby can
My baby can dance
My baby can swing
My baby can swing
My baby can shake me slow
So I don't need no other thing
My baby can dance
So let's make it come.
Here's to love, laughter, and
a happy ever after, cheers.
Bottom line, how
much is this gonna cost me?
We're looking at
29, $3,000?
but you have to act fast,
otherwise it'll be 3499.
You can't put a price on love.
I guess not,
but that's a lot of money.
It is, but it
guarantees that not only
are you serious about
finding this special someone,
but are female clientele
are serious as well.
And you don't use
any video or photos?
Mm, we think that an
overreliance on looks
interferes with the
matchmaking process.
For our files, so we can
put a face with the name.
I haven't agreed to join yet.
No one will see it but us.
Okay, what about my, uh,
my height?
Is that gonna be an issue?
Oh, you'd be surprised how
little that matters to women.
Ask yourself this question.
Can you afford not to join?
Yeah, can't I get all this
from an internet dating site,
-, eHarmony?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You never know who
you'll meet online.
We filter out all the crazies.
The personal touch,
that's what you want.
ah, it says here that
you are a videographer.
Mostly weddings, but, I
mean, there's also the...
Aren't you tired of videotaping
everyone else's wedding?
Don't you wanna be on the
other side of the camera
for a change?
Sure, but.
Tell you what, I have a
client who's getting married.
Another one.
I want you to videotape
their wedding.
Don't you need
to ask them first?
Mm-mm, no, I'm the one
who brought them together.
They'll do whatever I say.
They love me.
Do you need to see my reel
or, uh, it's on my website.
No, that won't be necessary.
I can tell you're good.
You don't have to thank me.
I'll have Brian and
Susan issue you a check,
and you're under no obligations
because I'm doing
you this favor.
Take the contract with you.
The discount is
good the entire day.
I've got a good
feeling about you.
I wouldn't be surprised
to hear wedding bells
in your future.
Oh, I love that, guys.
That's great.
Have we met somewhere before?
That's original.
All right, cousins, let's go.
Um, so we're gonna
get the bride's side
on the bride's side.
Groom's side on
the groom's side.
Thank you.
You're sure I
don't look familiar?
All right,
everyone look over here, please.
Kip Siliman?
Hey, over here, just.
thought it was you.
I don't believe it.
It's Jack Rivlin from Stevenson.
- Okay, we're just gonna
- Oh, right, high school.
- Real quick, guys, over here.
- What are you doin' here?
I'm videotaping the wedding.
Are you related to the
bride and groom, too?
- Beautiful.
- I do this for a living.
Yeah, right,
and we're the florists.
Honey, this is Kip.
You remember, from my
high school yearbook.
The class valedictorian.
He used to tutor
me in chemistry.
I actually passed,
can you believe it?
And then he went to Harvard.
I always wondered what became
of high school valedictorians.
We do weddings.
We already had our
15 minutes of fame.
The rest of our lives we
spend capturing the highlights
for other people.
Oh, I wish someone had videoed
us closing our new house.
It's worth a million
bucks, can you believe it?
A foreclosure, picked
it up for a steal.
In case you need
any investment tips.
I'm more into short sales.
Take my card in case
you change your mind.
Wouldn't that be somethin'?
I could tutor you.
Have you got a card?
Who would've thought, huh?
You were first in the
class, a I was like.
Forget it.
I can track you down through
the alumni directory.
15th reunion comin' up.
In case we need
someone to video.
I'm already booked.
I'm kidding!
You better be there.
Wow, how
they mighty have fallen.
What an ass.
I get it all the time.
Usually comes from
my own family though.
He ruined my group shot.
- Bye, thanks so much!
- Bye, thank you!
Thank you so much.
Nice couple.
Yeah, now they can get on with
the happily ever after part.
The dating service.
You took my picture.
I did, are you sure?
What a coincidence.
What are the odds?
Must be kismet.
Maybe it means something,
our meeting again like this.
Maybe it means
you're a stalker.
N-No, I...
Look, it's not that
hard to understand.
Jennifer got us both this gig.
I know you're hoping for some
grand cosmic explanation,
but stop relying on fate
and just let the dating
service work its magic, okay?
Emily, I'm sorry,
but the next taxi won't be
available for another two hours.
But there's an L stop
about two blocks down.
Great, thanks.
Can I get a ride?
How do you not have a car?
Fine, if you
don't want to, fine.
No, no, I'll give you a ride.
You wanna drive?
It's a Prius.
No, thanks.
No, opposite, I get so
wired after these shoots.
I'm gonna be up for hours.
Wanna get some
coffee or something?
Yeah, caffeine, that's
just what I need to relax.
We could get decaf.
You know, I've never
understood the point of decaf.
Forget it then.
No, no, let's,
uh, get some coffee.
Do you think there's a
Starbucks around here?
How 'bout my place?
I've got an espresso maker.
I don't think so.
My mother warned me against
going home with strangers.
But not against
getting into their cars?
You've got my whole bio on file.
What are you worried about?
Yeah, with a
mysterious 15-year gap.
I'm the one who
should be cautious.
I left my ax at home.
We could pick
it up on the way.
There's one.
Oh, it's
got a lawn chair.
Wait, what are you doing,
what are you doing?
What are you doing?
I'm removing it.
Please don't.
Who knows what they'll do to
my car when they get back.
Irony is I cleared
that spot this afternoon.
Oh, what the?
Oh, no, you've been robbed.
Oh, no, you have a puppy!
What is her name?
When I got her from the
shelter, she walked with a limp.
Oh, that's terrible.
How was I supposed to know
it would only be temporary?
Oh, come here.
But it was too late to
start calling her quadruped.
Yeah, too many syllables.
Have you thought about
puppy training classes?
I think she's got
puppy down pretty pat.
What's this?
I'm homeschooling her.
Using the old dog-ate-
my-homework excuse, I see.
Hey, we're getting there.
She does tricks,
here, watch this.
Tripod, come here.
Come her, girl.
Come, come here.
I don't think
she's perfected it.
That's not the trick.
Here, watch this.
Come here.
Come here, now, shake, shake.
Shake, come on, show Emily.
Good girl.
Very nice.
Of course puppy
training would keep her
from chewing up the apartment.
She's just jealous
from my staying out late.
Oh, well then she needs to
be locked up when you're gone.
Puppy prison?
Don't you think that's
a violation of the eight
amendment's cruel and unu-
sual punishment clause?
I think the dog's
eighth amendment right
is not to choke to
death on the furniture.
She screams when
I lock her up.
Man, she's got you trained.
Leave that, I'll get it later.
- Jingle bell, jingle bell
- Oh my God
Jingle bell rock
Jingle bells swing
And jingle bells ring
All right.
Snowing and blowin'
up bushels of fun
Now the jingle hop has begun
You still play with G.I. Joe?
That's not a toy.
It's a collector's item.
Would you
like to go shopping?
I have a Barbie that
says, "Die, commie, die."
Can I smoke?
It's not good for you.
You don't mind?
I told you I wanted to relax.
No, it's cool.
I'm hip.
I'll put it out.
Thank you.
My husband
- doesn't approve.
- Shit, husband!
I'm so sorry, I didn't know.
Are you okay?
I wouldn't have been hitting
on you, shit, a change
of pants would be good.
Were you hitting on me?
You couldn't tell?
Explains why I need
a dating service.
You're a smooth operator.
I'm not even here 10 minutes,
and you've already
got your pants off.
I invite you back
to my apartment.
You turn out to be married.
I was flattered my
ring didn't stop you.
You were not wearing a ring.
I don't like
shooting with it on.
Kind of deceptive,
don't ya think?
Guys hit on me more
when I'm wearing a ring.
It doesn't stop them.
It would stop me.
I can see that.
So I take it you don't
have a girlfriend?
If I had a girlfriend,
would I have needed
your dating service?
Oh, lots of
committed men try to join.
Well, why would they do that?
Why do ya think?
Somebody must love you.
Look at all these presents.
I got them for myself.
That way I always seem
to get exactly what I want.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
A sweater, you shouldn't have!
And it's just my size,
how did you know?
Oh, man.
Day after Christmas
I always feel so guilty
about having spent
so much on myself,
I have to give it all back.
That is so pathetic.
They're from my parents.
Do you really think I'd
give myself a sweater?
For Christmas?
They shouldn't send me
this stuff three weeks
before the holiday.
Like it's gonna stay
unopened all that time.
You gonna get that?
At this hour?
Maybe it's an emergency.
Maybe it's your husband.
Hey, I
can't come to the phone.
Please leave your message
- after the tone.
- Ooh, an answering machine
for the modern man.
darling, still not home?
Hmm, naughty boy.
Hey, don't forget we have a
date tomorrow at Club Lucky.
Get lucky?
- Club Lucky.
- Don't worry if you're not.
I'll arouse you.
How many times have I told
you not to have your friends
call here so late?
No girlfriend, you
really had me going there.
She's a friend.
Does your friend know
about the dating service?
Does your husband know
about the wedding ring?
We should do this again.
Really, don't you think
that'd be like decaf coffee?
Forget it then.
No, wait, you can
introduce me to your husband.
We could double date.
I have a date tonight.
I still need a ride.
So much for the
smooth getaway.
Ooh, I think
Tripod wants to drive.
No way.
She keeps leaving the car
in front of fire hydrants.
It's better than lawn chairs.
So, are you gonna join
our dating service?
Would you be fixing me up?
Would it help if I told
you I met my husband there?
You don't seem like
the kind of person
that needs a dating service.
Well, I could say the
same thing about you.
You don't think that
being short, self-conscious,
totally afraid to ask
women out, qualifies me?
You don't act
that way around me.
You're married,
there's no pressure.
Before you knew.
What can I say, you must
bring out the best in me.
Welcome to Happily Ever After
and here's your first referral.
Oh, already?
Mm, well, didn't
I say you'd be back?
Knowing people,
that's my business.
Did you match Emily
with her husband?
Our Emily, no, she
wasn't a member.
Oh, she told me that
she met her husband here.
She did, when they
both worked here.
Maybe I should be
applying for a job
instead of paying
for a membership.
You wouldn't wanna do that.
They're separated.
Don't they know?
They have been for
a very long time.
I warned her against
Would a doctor
operate on herself?
Oh, Jesus!
She owes me money.
Me, too.
Code red, code red.
Man your battle stations.
This is not a drill.
I repeat, this is not a drill.
Battleship hit.
You wanna go
see a movie later?
What happened to Ari?
We broke up.
He kept bugging
me to marry him.
Men, you date 'em.
Introduce 'em to your parents.
You move in with 'em.
And suddenly they think
you wanna get serious.
They're so clueless.
You sunk my battleship.
Too bad about Ari.
He was a good guy.
He wasn't the one.
The one?
Do you think there's only one
one out there for each of us,
or are there a number
of ones for everyone?
I'd hate to think that
I already met my one
and didn't realize it,
or have to worry about
the odds of ever finding
that one person in the
world who's meant for me.
You couldn't have met her yet,
'cause if you had you'd
already be together.
Not if she
already rejected me.
Oh, couldn't happen.
Your one's gotta
be her one, too.
Got it?
'Cause one and one
make two, I get it.
But what if my one mistakenly
settled for her two?
That would make three,
an odd combination that
rarely works in the long run.
Somehow her two would have to
be removed from the equation,
but then three minus two
brings us back to square one.
Go on, make fun,
but I know there is one
perfect guy out there for me,
and I'm gonna find him,
if I have to date every
single Jewish professional
in the Chicago land area.
Miss, uh, it's
my turn, you cheat.
You're lucky your
one lives so close.
Mine probably lives
in cyberspace.
I did meet a guy at
a party last night.
Was he the one?
A chiropractor.
We hit it off immediately.
Before I know it, we
are in the kitchen,
I have my shoes off, and
he is massaging my feet.
In the kitchen?
He slowly works his way up
my arms, my shoulders, my neck.
I am in heaven.
We kissed a little,
then we kissed a lot.
Soon I am lying down in his lap,
and he is peeling grapes
and feeding them to me
one at a time.
Sounds like the one.
Except he kept feeding
me the sour ones.
Not the one?
Not the one.
How does this stuff
always happen to you?
'Cause I don't spend
all my weekends working.
How do you expect
to find your one
if you're never
available on date nights?
You don't drink.
You don't smoke.
You hate to party.
Basically, you have no vices.
Women need vices to share.
They could have
fun corrupting me.
I have tried, Kip,
it ain't gonna happen.
Being single is wasted on you.
Still my turn.
I could help, you know?
I know a lot of single women
that I can set you up with.
Okay, check that, I know
a lot of single men,
but I'm sure they
know single women.
Don't bother.
I actually joined
a dating service.
Oh my God!
Wait, why didn't you tell me?
You know I hate to brag.
Good for you.
Good for you.
Finally, a hit?
No, miss.
Have you gone on any dates yet?
Uh, G1.
No, but I did just
get my first referral.
I wanted you to be
the first to know,
just in case I got engaged it
wouldn't come as such a shock.
This could be the one.
Oh, miss, H1.
Hey, there are no Rs.
None of the other
letters are working.
Are you sure I haven't
hit any of your ships?
No, way you're beatin'
me this time, babe.
I won.
Hit and sunk.
Looks like she's not home, Tri.
Too bad.
Hi, Laura, this is
Kip Siliman, uh,
calling from the dating service.
Uh, I'm not from
the dating service.
I'm, I'm a, I'm a client.
Um, anyway, I got your referral,
and I would love to
meet, uh, talk with you.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, my number,
my number it's, uh,
it's, uh, oh God, what
is my, what is my number?
It's, I'm, I'm sorry, I
don't usually call myself.
It's, it's funny, um,
it's, uh, you, you
should have that.
Oh, shit.
Is this Kip?
Kip Stillaman?
Uh, Laura?
Uh, no.
You got the wrong number.
But you're calling me.
You left
it on my voicemail.
No, I didn't.
Uh, I have caller ID.
This number matches
the number I was given.
Well, it's wrong.
I quit that stupid dating
service months ago,
so don't leave any more
messages on my phone.
Hey, good luck!
Ah, goddamn it!
11-9, I almost had you.
I was this close, this close!
Next time, I only
spot ya eight points.
How's Shelly?
The mother of your
children, love of your life.
I gotta run, I got a date.
Blind date.
Blind date?
Who fixed you up?
I joined a dating service.
Why did you do that?
Why do you think?
Yeah, my sister-in-law
joined one of those.
Cost her 1200 bucks
and 12 wasted nights.
I got a good feeling
about this one.
Yeah, how much
they get ya for?
How much did you pay?
Oh, it's not about the money.
How much?
2999, but I get 16
referrals, not 12.
If you're so
desperate to meet women,
why don't you try
online dating services?
They're a lot cheaper.
Those sites are all
about appearances.
That's what I like
about this service.
They don't use photos or video.
The last thing I want
is my picture plastered
over everyone's computer screen.
I look better on paper.
Have you written
the check yet?
You can't put a price on love.
Yeah, maybe you can't,
but at 150 bucks a pop,
apparently they can.
Have you signed the check yet?
Used to be 3499.
I talked 'em into
giving me the discount.
Have they cashed
the check yet?
You don't know what
it's like out there, man.
You met Shelly in college.
Yeah, I remember.
Marriage and children only
inhibit short-term memory.
I didn't realize that
college would be the last time
we'd be surrounded by so
many great women our own age,
and they'd be so
easy to get to know.
Now I see a woman in
the grocery store,
or rollerblading by
the lake, and I think,
you'd better make your move,
'cause you're not
gonna see her again.
I don't know a think about her.
I, I don't even know
if she's single.
All I know is I'm
supposed to act,
or risk kicking myself
for letting another
opportunity slip by.
You never ask women
out cold like that.
Exactly, which is why
I need this service.
This is my last best
chance of finding someone.
After this I can
honestly tell myself
I've tried everything.
Then I can be okay with being
alone for the rest of my life.
I see what's going on.
You're confusing your
love life with sports.
Your knees are starting to
creak, you've lost a step.
You wish.
So you think time
is running out,
but it's an illusion.
Love is ageless.
At least for men it is.
Feel fortunate you're not
a single 35-year-old
female athlete
with your bio
clock ticking down,
'cause then you'd
be doubly screwed.
I've already joined,
so there's no use trying
to talk me out of it.
For 3,000 bucks I'd have set
you up on, like, a 100 dates.
I would let Carly set me up
before I let you fix me up.
Okay, what about Carly?
I always thought you two
were perfect for each other.
You're smart, she's smart.
She went to Brown,
you went to Yale.
She's not interested
in me in that way.
Why not?
She is looking for
a Jewish professional,
not an unorthodox
Jewish agnostic
who likes to
celebrate Christmas.
Well, I guess that rules out
divine intervention or prayer
because those were gonna
be my next suggestions
for finding you a girlfriend.
Let me borrow 50 bucks.
Oh, perfect!
You spend all your money
on a dating service,
and you have nothing left
to take your dates out with.
I will pay you back.
I got a part-time job.
For 3,000 bucks, you'd think
dinner would be included.
When I'm matched up with
the woman of my dreams,
it'll all be worth it.
Yeah, well, I've only got 25,
so you'll have to dream dutch.
Excuse me?
No, I'm sorry.
But the?
That was here when I sat down.
All right.
Not pretty enough?
She refused to go out with me.
Well, tell me exactly
what you said to her.
I didn't say anything.
She took one look at me,
and then she backed out.
Obviously, I didn't
fit her profile.
Well, we won't
count this one either.
The point is we
were a lousy match.
You can't keep serving me
up gratuitous rejection
and then offering me
more of it to compensate.
Patience, patience, we're
just getting warmed up.
It'll happen for you soon.
My match record is 100%.
Not interested.
You haven't even looked at it.
He's tall, very, very tall.
Please, humor me.
I said humor me, not humor you.
Come see the Sears Tower,
the tallest building in
the Western Hemisphere.
See Chicago like you've
never seen it before.
Okay, what do ya say?
Ooh, Sears Tower, okay.
Do do do do do
Hey, Sears Tower,
what do ya say?
All right.
Can I have one of those?
Uh, uh.
Excuse me, can I
have one of those?
Wrong block, John.
Fourth tallest
building in Chicago
is 20 blocks that-a-way.
Not one, John, four.
Used to be first,
but now you're just gonna
have to get past that.
I'm not fighting
you about this again.
Still number one, folks!
Unprofessional, John!
I thought I
recognized that voice.
You never called me.
I didn't?
Are you sure?
What a coincidence
running into you like this.
You work here.
My best friend
is getting married,
and she needs someone
to videotape it.
Do you wanna go grab a cup of
coffee and discuss details?
I don't know, I thought
I would try and meet
a cute bungalow out here,
or maybe an adorable penthouse.
Well, when you're
done slumming?
Are you working?
I'm sorry?
Are you shooting?
You're not wearing
your wedding ring.
Um, my husband
and I are separated.
I'm sorry, was
it because of me?
What, no, we've been
separated for a while.
I know.
How do you know?
Have you been stalking me again?
Jennifer told me.
It's okay, I get it.
No, you don't,
listen, I like you, Kip,
but I'm just not interested
in dating anyone right now.
I hope that's all
right with you.
Happens to be my specialty.
We had a
communication problem.
He'd ask me what I was thinking,
and I'd respond, "nothing,"
which absolutely drove him nuts.
No one can be thinking nothing.
You have to be
thinking something.
But how do you tell the
person that you vowed to spend
the rest of your life
with that you're thinking
that you don't want to be
married to them anymore?
Yeah, me neither, so instead
I made his life so miserable
that he asked me
for a separation.
At least this way he
thinks it was his idea.
I don't understand.
Did you stop loving him or?
I don't know why
we separated, Kip.
Like, I didn't like him
watching reruns of Alf all day,
but really it's just me.
I don't think I'm
the marrying kind.
Then why'd you get
married in the first place?
It's only drilled in
our heads from day one,
and then we get so afraid that
we're gonna miss our chance,
that we'll settle
for the first guy
we convince ourselves
we're in love with.
But if the marriage
isn't gonna be great,
then what's the point?
I don't know.
Pretty good is looking
pretty great right now.
It isn't, trust me.
So you think
you'll get divorced?
Doesn't really matter.
It's not like I
plan on remarrying.
Well what if the
perfect guy came along?
There's no such thing
as the perfect guy.
That is a myth perpetuated
by romance novels and movies.
And dating services?
They're the exception.
How can someone
so anti-marriage
work for a dating service?
I'm a hopeless
romantic at heart,
but for the rest of
you I'm very hopeful.
Hey, you hungry?
We haven't even talked
about the wedding.
I gotta spring Tripod.
She's been locked
in her cage all day.
I didn't tell her
it was your idea.
I have another idea.
Are you sure you
don't want some?
Still don't eat meat since
you asked me 10 minutes ago.
It's not meat, it's chicken.
He's a great dog.
Must've been hard lettin'
your husband take him.
Yeah, well, I felt
I owed him that.
Separation's so hard when
there's a little one involved,
but at least I have
visiting rights.
Hey, you wanna
play Boot the Pigeon?
You won't eat birds,
but you'll kick 'em?
No, you can't.
No matter how hard you try,
they always fly away in time.
Your turn.
No, what if I kick it?
It's impossible, trust me.
I've never seen that
before in my life.
Oh my God, it's not moving.
I think it's stunned in
disbelief from being kicked.
I think it's dead.
How hard did you kick it?
I don't know, you
said it would move!
Well, what are you
listening to me for?
You've got that lethal
toe thing on your boot.
You should've kicked
it soccer style.
Should we take it to
an animal hospital or?
I think a large public
toilet might be better.
Oh, his wing moved,
his wing moved!
Don't touch it!
The other pigeons won't
accept it back into its nest.
No, that only applies
if it's a newborn.
Well, I know you're
not supposed to touch it.
Well, that's 'cause of
the diseases they carry.
Hey, Cody, no!
Tripod, no!
Tri-Tripod, girl, put it down.
Put it down, drop it.
- Drop it.
- I take it your dog
does not share your
vegetarian proclivities.
Give her something to trade.
Give me your camera
No, she can't have my camera.
If we get her to pose
long enough for a picture,
then she might drop it.
Tripod here, look at the birdie.
Look at the birdie,
Tripod, not that birdie.
Haven't you harmed enough
animals for one day?
Maybe your dog is better
off with your husband.
Tripod, get the stick!
Good girl!
I can't believe that worked.
Now it's dead.
Don't, duck!
You won't know I'm
the one unless we meet.
I can't believe
I'm down to my last referral.
How about we go out,
and we don't tell
anybody that we did?
That way you'll still
have your last one.
You're sneaky.
I like that.
So you wanna meet?
What if they find out?
I'm not gonna tell 'em.
It's too risky.
If you don't like me,
you'll tell them we met
just to screw me.
I wouldn't...
better not to meet
and still hold on to
my last ray of hope.
At some point you're
gonna have to commit.
You'll understand
when you get down
to your last one.
Just trying to get
down to my first one.
Please don't
make me go out with you.
I'll always have
you, precious girl.
All right, bottom line,
how much is this
gonna cost my parents?
Uh, 17...
I, I mean I usually
charge three, but since,
since you're a
friend of Emily's.
You know, I didn't even wanna
have my wedding videotaped,
but Emily here insisted.
You have to have
your wedding videoed.
Memories fade, but
video is forever,
or whatever the shelf
life of a DVD is.
I master on Blu-ray.
Ooh, confident, aren't we?
All right, how about 2500?
Great, great.
How should I pay you?
Half up front,
half on delivery.
What if they call
off the wedding?
Oh, fat chance, sweetheart.
How about I just pay you all now
while my parents are
still happy to pay for it?
Do you mind if I, uh, forge
my mother's signature?
Well, he would know.
He is your therapist.
That is one of my
character defects.
She's pissed at me again.
What for?
Who knows?
It's 'cause I don't listen,
and I can't remember what else.
Hey, I got this for ya.
Hold on, client.
Seeing that girl's ass
at the club the other day
gave me ideas.
I bet it did.
You're afraid to
ask women out, right?
The dating service
is taking care of that.
How's that workin' for ya?
You have to let them
know you're available.
I took the liberty
of narrowing it down.
By 50%, I see.
They see this, and
they're interested.
It makes them do the work.
You don't think this
reads as desperate?
No, it projects
cool and confidence.
Women eat that up.
I wouldn't wanna be
accused of false advertising.
You're not supposed to
reveal your true nature
until after you're married.
You know nothing about
the dating process.
I like women to know what
they're getting up front.
How has that worked for you?
There aren't
enough letters here.
I took the concept to
the next logical level.
I can't wear these.
You can and you will.
Your phone will be
ringing off the hook.
I'm back.
- R-E-A-D-Y-4-U.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I can be,
hold on, client.
Who's this?
This is your cell number.
It's a prototype, it's
not meant for actual use.
So this present
isn't actually for me?
I hand you no-miss
solution to your dating woes,
and all you do is criticize.
I knew you weren't serious
about meeting women.
I have a date this afternoon.
Wear the shirt.
Uh, what do you
do for a living?
It wasn't very clear.
Oh, I'm a homemaker.
No, silly, the
traditional kind.
Oh, that's, uh, how
do you support yourself?
You're not one of those
gold diggers, are you?
You gonna ask me for
your credit score next?
Well, it just so happens
to be perfect, perfect.
- Hi, oh my God!
- Hi!
I'm so sorry we weren't
able to make it.
Was it amazing?
It was.
And Aruba?
Perfect, everything
was perfect.
Oh, we're so thrilled
for the both of you.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
This is, um.
Kip is a wedding videographer.
Oh, did you do Deb's?
Oh, no, I wish I
would've met him sooner.
Maybe I would've
gotten a discount.
great to see you.
Give our love to Dale.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Kip.
Are you married?
Oh, don't you
love it?
Why would you join
a dating service
if you're already married?
Well, I wasn't married
when I joined, silly.
I met Dale afterward.
you met your match.
Why are we here?
Well, I didn't meet my husband
through Happily Ever After.
I met him through friends.
So, it's not fair.
I spent all that money,
and I still have
eight referrals left.
But you're married.
No way was I
not gonna use them
after the hell they
put me through.
What about me?
Don't you think
I'm a good match?
You're married!
God, is that all
you think about?
I better go.
Sit down.
You owe me a full date.
Sit down.
Isn't this romantic?
Two strangers getting
to know each other,
uncertain what
might happen next.
I could go for
another one of these.
Well didn't ya like her?
She was married.
Well, there's nothing
here about your not wanting
to be set up with women
who've been married.
I mean now, she's married now.
Are you sure?
You're not just trying to
finagle another free referral
out of us?
She's got the
diamond to prove it.
Debra Weston married,
huh, what do ya know?
Well, just goes to
show how good we are.
Don't you people keep
records or something?
Ah, sometimes in
their excitement
the clients forget to
give us the good news.
The good news for you, however,
is that this referral will
not count towards your 16,
and I'm sending you another
referral even as we speak.
We don't wanna
lose our momentum.
Quit screwing around!
No wonder we haven't
closed a match in weeks!
Weeks, people!
Oh, well, not counting Debra.
Do you think of no
one except yourself?
I'm really
enjoying my freedom.
I like being single.
What's wrong with you?
There are clients out there.
Come here, Tripod,
I gotta get going.
Come here.
Baby girl.
Love of my life.
Hey, worthless.
Goddamn you, you little
shit, get in your cage!
Get in your cage!
You just blew right
through that stop sign.
You know you've got a
standing offer to drive?
No, you're doing fine.
Reminds me of my old
stunt driving days.
You were a stunt driver?
Well, I was a stunt
driver in training.
I never graduated to
full stunt driverhood.
You don't believe me.
Well, I was supposed
to be a lawyer
to go along with my
brother the doctor
and my brother the accountant.
Jewish mother's hat trick.
So you decided on
verbal slapstick instead?
Oh, no I decided
on a career in nots.
Not being a lawyer,
not being a doctor,
and not working on Wall Street.
By the time I'd eliminated
everything I didn't wanna do,
I was left with
shooting weddings.
I admire that.
I mean, you could've
done anything.
Gone the conventional route,
gotten money and prestige,
but instead you chose to
be a wedding videographer.
If I had all that money
and a house in the suburbs,
then I'd be a failure.
Yes, I see that now.
At least you have something
no one can take away from you.
Credit card debt?
A great education.
Student loans.
I'm sorry about all this.
Doesn't matter to me.
I'm used to being
treated like the help.
It doesn't make any sense.
If something good happens,
we won't be there to capture it.
Take lots of pictures
of the kitchen staff.
That'll show her.
I'm sure this
whole seating fiasco
is the banquet manager's
screw up, not Linda's.
Don't defend her.
She's my best friend.
2500 will buy you
a lot of loyalty.
Which I got for you.
What's this?
A present.
You bought me a present, why?
For getting me this job.
What is it?
I'm sorry, you don't
know how this works.
I get you a present.
You act all happy and excited,
and then you don't
ask me what it is
until after you open it.
You can't buy me
a present like this.
That's the great thing
about being single.
I can do whatever I
want with my money.
I can't accept
this, it's too much.
Hey, stop!
Don't do it.
Do I have
to separate you two?
- He started it.
- She started it.
Enjoying your meals, I see.
You know, the
filet's a little tough,
and the, uh, champagne's
a bit sweet for my taste.
Oh, shit, I'm sorry, let
me get you a real meal.
Hey, I'm fine.
Kip's a vegetarian.
It's fine.
I brought my own sandwich.
You are not having
a PB&J at my wedding.
Let me see if I can rustle you
up some lettuce and tomato.
I'm fine, really.
I should get back to the hall.
Relax, there is nothing
out there to shoot,
because the bride is in here.
Em, can I borrow
you for a second?
It's an emergency.
I can't believe I'm breaking out
on the biggest day of my life.
I thought the point
of getting older
was to no longer have
to deal with pimples.
Seems like a fair trade
fro gray hair and wrinkles.
And cellulite, varicose veins.
To no longer have
to deal with acne.
Our parents lied to us
when they said it
was a passing phase.
Only to protect us
during those awkward
teenage suicidal years.
Now we're mature
enough to handle it,
and armed with a greater
arsenal of cosmetic skills.
How's that?
Uh, Em, you're an artist.
You know,
I don't mind you taking
pictures of your new friend.
I just hope ya got room
left for Joel and me.
Oh, well this is for
my next exhibition.
Yeah, I'm calling it An Ode
to my Best Friend's Wedding,
a behind the scenes look at the
people who made it possible.
You know, wedding guests
and the wedding party
is so cliche, any
photographer can do that.
Well, I was hoping to
see less of the artist
and more of my best friend
in my wedding album.
Oh, well, then you probably
shouldn't have seated us
in the kitchen.
Well, the way you were
raving about this guy,
I thought you wanted
to be alone with him.
I was raving about his work.
I'm not interested...
In dating anyone.
You're just bitter because
you had your chance
and you blew it.
You're right.
My marriage was a
miserable failure,
so why encourage
me to do it again?
It is my duty as the bride
to make sure everyone's happy.
You're saying you've
never given any thought
to you and this guy?
I mean, he's a client
at my dating service.
Oh, how adorable,
he's looking for love.
Nah, he'd never go for it
unless there was some potential
for commitment.
Men, don't ya hate that?
friends, that's it.
Well you better tell
your chum over there
that friends don't
buy friends diamonds.
He's probably arranging a date
with one of his
referrals as we speak.
Bad girl.
Bad girl.
Tripod, no chew.
No chew!
Oh goddamn it, Tripod!
Stupid dog.
Who's this?
Who's this?
Holder, your referral.
Hey, I can't come
- to the phone.
- Oh, hi, could you hold
- one second?
- Please leave your message
after the tone.
Oh, shit.
Hi, uh, I'm sorry, I...
You're the
one who's been calling
and hanging up.
Uh, no, no, no, I...
What's your problem?
Um, let me explain.
Go ahead,
I'm listening.
I, uh.
Wasn't she pretty enough?
We never met.
She sounded attractive.
We can't be blamed
if you don't meet.
I think I should
get my money back.
Whoa, slow down,
where's this coming from?
I promise the next
one will be pretty.
Is this how your
service works?
You just keep wearing
your clients down
until they settle for
any kind of match?
Hey, we're on
your side, remember?
- Hi.
- Hey!
Oh, hello, Tripod.
Hi, baby.
I brought presents.
Oh, hey, Tripod, look!
Oh, they're not for the dog.
This one coils and uncoils.
Would you like to take a walk?
Okay, let's go.
Maybe I'm not dating
service material.
Oh, it's not you.
Any of those ladies would
be very lucky to have you
as a referral.
You think so?
Oh, yeah, definitely.
- Oh!
- Son of a!
Are you okay?
Oh, Kip, you're,
you're bleeding, okay.
I don't think I like
your present anymore.
I have a bandaid, here.
Here we go.
Okay, there, you're all better.
Lose something?
Michael, don't
force your sister.
But she wants to go on, Dad.
Where's Shelly?
I'm giving her a break
from the terrorists.
Michael, what did I just say?
Correction, one
terrorist, one hostage,
one ineffectual mediator.
I'm Emily.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Gavin's an attorney.
Oh, a divorce lawyer?
I kissed finding a normal
bandaid in the house years ago.
It was either this or
a peace sign, but, um,
I'm still at war with my razor.
Well, it's a
good image for you,
like catch the
opposition off guard.
Michael, you better stop
tormenting your sister.
I'm helping
her overcome her fears!
Oh, that's so cute.
If you don't stop,
you'll need help
overcoming your own fears.
He's like a little adult.
Yeah, you want him?
Sure, other people's
kids are loads of fun.
Michael, this is
your last warning.
Stop or no video games tonight.
That's useless.
They know it's let
them play video games
or spend quality time together.
Michael, your sister's
head should not be
- dragging along the ground!
- Hey, all right, I got this,
I got this.
I take it back about
that dating service.
She is great.
She's not from
the dating service.
I mean, she is from the,
she's a wedding photographer.
Wedding, perfect.
Attractive, loves kids,
tick, tick, tick, tick.
She's married.
Where's her wedding ring?
You know what, I
don't wanna know.
Actually she's...
Let me tell you something
about married women.
It's not long term.
If she's willing to
have an affair with you,
then how can you ever trust her
if she were to be your wife?
She's separated.
Let me tell you something
about women who are separated.
Married women flirt to
prove they've still got it.
But the separated ones,
they use you to make
their husbands jealous.
Where there's still a union,
there's a giant out of
control husband just itching
to take his marital
problems out on your nose,
and only then do
you come to realize
that she cares more about
the condition of his fists
than the contusions
on your battered face.
We're not having an affair.
What does she
want with you then?
She seems to be in
hot pursuit of that.
Well then you won't
mind if I ask her out.
Only to see if it's you in
particular or men in general
that she doesn't wanna date.
it's not like it could ever
work between you two anyway.
Who'd shoot the wedding?
Yes, honey?
I just threw up.
Oh, ugh.
All my dreams on the milky way
Save my seat on the CTA
Cardboard man
carrying the page
And the salt in your wounds
Got a brand-new taste
Framing posters
of the neighborhood
Can't live there
but you wish you could
Mayor man don't
do what he should
And all my streets
are just no good
You're sweet like summer
And sour like rain
Counting houses
till you're home again
Jim, I give you this ring.
As a daily reminder
of my love for you.
As a daily reminder
of my love for you.
I'm sorry for not doing
this in person, and, uh,
an email wouldn't be right, but,
you know I didn't join a dating
service to make new friends,
and as much as I
love being with you,
you're not supposed to
want to kiss the lips
of your best friend, or make
love to your good buddy.
So please don't stop
by anymore unannounced,
out of the blue,
without warning,
or call.
I just can't see you
anymore, I'm sorry.
Aren't you happy to see me?
Didn't you get my disk?
Yes, I did, thank
you very much.
It doesn't work
in my computer.
I thought we could
watch it together.
We can't
watch it together.
Why not?
You're being awfully mysterious.
Hi, Tripod.
Hi, girl.
Come on.
What's this?
Watch the disk alone,
by yourself, with no one else.
Can Cody watch it with me?
Please go.
Stupid cord.
Get in there, come
on, get in there, ugh!
Oh, Jesus!
Jesse, do you knock?
Door was wide open.
Anybody could walk right in
and steal your pot.
What are you doing here?
Cody misses you.
I miss him.
Where is he?
I left him at home.
Well, you can't just
show up like this.
What are you smiling at?
I just
like being with you.
Uh, you're not
hookin' it up right.
Well then you do it!
Jesse: Ow!
Okay, you gotta go.
Oh, what are we watching?
All right, time to go.
Wait, wait,
it's just getting good.
Isn't that our wedding song?
Jesse, goodbye.
Uh, can I
have some of your pot?
Fine, take it.
All of it, for real?
Jesse leave.
I'm sorry for not
doing this in person,
and, uh, and email
wouldn't be right, but.
Come on!
You know I didn't
join a dating service
to make new friends.
Are you still here?
No, I left.
Give me your car keys.
Give me your damn car keys.
It's my car, too, ya know?
But you don't drive.
I drive, I don't
have a license.
Can I get a ride?
How am I supposed to get home?
Take my bike.
Come on, Emily.
Oh, hi.
Did you forget again?
Of course not.
Forget what?
Dinner, we have dinner plans.
I didn't forget.
Where's your head been lately?
You know, if I didn't
know you any better,
I'd say you met someone.
You have met someone.
Oh my God, who is she?
No one.
Tell me.
Tell me!
Ow, ow, okay, okay, okay.
She's beautiful.
She's got silky blonde hair,
sparkling soulful eyes.
She loves to take long
leisurely walks with me
through the park.
She sounds perfect.
And she likes me no
matter what kind of mood I'm in.
What's her name?
What's her name?
No wonder
you're still single.
Haven't any of your
matches worked out?
Not yet.
I have to change.
How 'bout that girl
that Gavin saw you with?
We were just friends.
We broke up.
With a friend?
you know I'm thinking about
joining a dating service, too.
Maybe they'll pair us together.
Wouldn't that be hilarious?
This one sounds promising.
They all sound promising.
Have you called her?
What are you waiting for?
I'll call her tomorrow.
You're never
gonna meet your one
if you just keep
waiting until tomorrow.
Hello, uh, Amanda.
Hi, this is, uh, Kip.
I have your referral here,
and I was wondering if
maybe you'd like to go
and get dinner or something?
I can't, I work on the weekends.
How about Thursday?
That's considered
the weekend nowadays.
If you can't, I understand.
What happened?
We have a date on Thursday
night at Francesca's.
She's gonna move her
laundry to Wednesdays.
Oh, sounds perfect.
Are you nervous?
A little, I haven't
had a real date yet.
Well how are your
kissing skills?
What are you talking about?
It's a first date.
Who cares about kissing?
Are you serious?
It's critical.
How many first dates
have you kissed on?
All of them?
You make that sound
like it's normal.
Now how many are
we talking here?
You have kissed
70 different guys?
Wait, wait, wait, are we
talking like real kisses
or your average end of the
evening courtesy kisses?
They're real all right.
If I didn't kiss 'em
on the first date,
how would I know they
were worth a second date?
You wouldn't go
out with a guy again,
'cause of the way he kissed?
I couldn't date someone
who wasn't a good kisser.
What if he was
nervous or something?
I can tell the
difference, darling.
Couldn't you train him?
Some things can't be trained.
That's a lot of pressure to
put on a guy on a first date.
There's no pressure.
He doesn't know how
important it is to me.
Don't you think
there's more to a person
than the way that he kisses?
It's something that
you're gonna do every day
for the rest of
your lives together.
If it's not good, it's
hard to get passed it.
There's a certain
logic to your reasoning
I'm finding very disconcerting.
Now I'm really nervous.
You'll do fine.
I'll never date again.
Don't be silly.
Here, come here, you
can practice on me.
I thought you couldn't
practice kissing.
No, I said it
wasn't trainable.
I believe in lots of practicing.
It'll boost your confidence.
Yeah, right,
the kiss of death.
Come on, let's
see how you rate.
Wait, that didn't
count, I wasn't ready.
I don't know, a lot
of teeth, a little wet.
Shh, no, go!
For a second there, I
thought I saw fireworks.
This is ridiculous.
How 'bout Thai then?
Wait, no!
I think it's her.
Why are you getting so upset?
You should've seen
them, like going at it.
It was gross.
What's it to you?
You don't wanna get
involved with the guy,
so why get jealous when he
shows interest in someone else?
Hah, I am not jealous.
Maybe he got lucky with
one of your service's dates.
Oh, dude, she was
not from the service.
She was gross.
Who cares how him
and the skank met?
You should be happy for him.
Would you stop defending him?
You are my best friend.
You didn't see the DVD
he did of our wedding.
It's incredible.
Though you seem to be in it
an inordinate amount of times.
Get out of the way, asswipe!
You are not driving.
Oh, thank God.
Now I'm driving.
You okay?
Have you been
here the whole time?
No, I left.
You couldn't ride
home two lousy miles?
I did and then back again.
Oh, goody for you,
you want a medal?
No, house keys.
- I couldn't get in.
- Shit.
I'm sorry, Jesse.
I could just see Cody
through the window,
cryin' to get out.
I'm a horrible person.
No, you're not.
Whatcha thinkin'?
Just try it, come on.
I'm fine.
Just a little bite.
No, thanks.
Just, just
a little baby bite.
I don't eat it, I
don't eat meat, really.
Oh my God, that's so good.
Listen, listen, you have to put
- some of this in your mouth.
- No, please, no.
Ah, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
- Oh my God.
- I'm so, I'm sorry.
Ah, God.
Thank you.
I'll get somebody
to clean that mess for you.
Thank you.
Are you going
to ask her out again?
Can I speak to
Jennifer, please?
You owe her the
courtesy of a second date.
She walked out on me
in the middle of a meal.
Not pretty enough?
I must not have been.
I meant her.
Look, why do people
keep asking me that?
She could look like Scarlett
Johansson for all I care.
If she's not
intelligent and kind,
then I wouldn't be
interested in her.
Perhaps it's time
for a different representative
than Jennifer.
Me, perhaps.
She told me her
success rate was 100%.
That Jennifer, she
still counts her ex-husbands
in her statistics.
She's not just a
representative, you know.
I can't take this any more.
How do
you think we feel?
This doesn't reflect well on us.
If you'll be a little patient.
I've been patient.
I've been more than patient.
Look, I know you people
mean well, but it's just,
I don't trust you
people any more.
I want out.
You can't quit,
sir, you signed a contract.
I don't care.
The next
one will be pretty.
You have my word on it.
God, you don't get it.
one more chance.
Don't make this harder
on me than it already is.
We won't count this
last one towards your total.
How's that sound?
Goodbye, I'm hanging up now.
hang up, please.
I've got a surefire date
for you, she's perfect.
We've been saving her,
but I think you're ready.
one more chance.
I said fine.
Thank you, thank
you, you won't regret it.
Let me read you a
little from her profile.
She's pretty, fun.
Tripod, Tripod, no,
baby girl, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, please.
Come here, goddamn it,
and let me love you!
Pizza guy's here.
Thank you.
What's the damage?
Uh, 29.99.
Kip, is that you?
I don't believe it!
How's it goin'?
What happened, you
lose your wedding job?
I'm kidding.
You wanna take a
tour of the house?
Hey, honey, Kip's here!
Kip Siliman, the
class valedic...
I can't, I've got
other deliveries.
Some other time maybe.
How much was it again?
Here's 30, keep the change.
I'm kidding!
Can you break a 100?
Not really.
What happened to you?
Look, Jack, nothing happened.
I'm sorry if this doesn't
jive with your vision
of how my life would turn out,
but as long as I'm
not hurting anyone.
You're killin' me just
seein' ya like this.
You used to be such a god!
Yeah, well, even gods
are human sometimes.
No, they're not.
Keep it.
All of it?
Are you kidding?
I still believe in you, man.
Excuse me.
Where are you going?
You're such a darling.
You don't want me away
from you even for a minute.
I can't apologize enough.
I told you, forget about that
whole drink spillage thing.
I'm having a wonderful time.
You know, I keep
thinking we've met before.
I know, we connect so well.
I have to go to the
little girl's room,
so we don't have
another accident.
I'll take care of that now.
It's okay.
I'll take good care of it.
You see, I'm back.
This has been nice, hasn't it?
Do you wanna do it again?
I'd love to.
But I can't.
But you just said you
were having a good time.
I did, but why
spoil it with another?
I will treasure this date
for the rest of my life.
You'll find that
perfect someone.
And this dating service
is so wonderful.
I have met so many
incredible men,
and their reps, they're
so caring, so helpful,
so pretty.
I do know you.
Men tell me that all the time.
Some say I remind them of a
brunette Scarlett Johansson.
You're my rep!
I'm not Jennifer.
No, the other one.
Am not.
I don't believe this.
You did have a good
time, didn't you?
I gotta get outta here.
Am I not pretty enough?
I promised you pretty!
You people are insane.
We won't count this toward
your final number either!
That's fair, isn't it?
Let him go, hon,
he's not worth it.
His card was declined.
What was that?
You won.
I won?
I won?
I can't believe it, you lost.
I beat you, yeah!
Let's go again.
Nope, that's it.
I'm done.
You're not gonna shower?
We only played one point.
I never knew you
were such a poor loser.
This is very revealing.
If I sued the dating
service to get my money back,
would you help me?
I knew this would happen.
Didn't I warn you?
Yes, you did, after
I signed the contract.
You have to promise not
to sign any more contracts
without consulting me first.
You got it, you're the man.
I have to charge you.
Of course.
Uh, how much are we talking?
Well, let's see, there's
gonna be filing fees,
papers to serve, court costs.
I'd say around 2999.
Add that to the money for
the date you still owe me.
I never paid you back?
With interest
it comes to 34.99.
Would you help me or not?
Look, if you just made a play
for Carly, like I told you,
we could have avoided
this whole mess.
Would you forget Carly?
You're perfect for each other.
You're smart, she's smart.
I can't be with a
woman who rejects guys
based on how they kiss.
Who's talking kissing?
You've got hair, she's got hair.
The irony is she's not
even all that great a kisser.
She's not?
How would you know?
We were practicing
the other night.
Yeah, for my date.
What are you, 12?
What else were you practicing?
You know what, I
don't wanna know.
Sex without love is just
another form of masturbation.
Yeah, with a
great prop, Carly.
I'm not gonna sleep with a
woman if we're not in love.
Well I guess that rules
out hiring a prostitute,
'cause that was gonna
be next suggestion.
Would you take
the case or not?
You know why this dating
service thought it would be
so easy to match you?
Because everyone who joins
has the same thing in common.
They're all stupid enough
to trust their love lives
to a cooperation.
I hope that's not
your opening argument.
It's a loser.
No judge in the world
would rule in your favor.
I wouldn't be surprised
if you settle out of court
by renewing your membership.
Thank God you've
changed your mind.
I'm so nervous.
Look, my hand is shaking.
What's with all the cameras?
It was in the
documents you filed
to waive your court fees.
Don't you read contracts
before you sign them?
Oh, right, you don't.
Good thing I got you.
All rise.
The Honorable Judge
Maxwell Kenneths presiding.
Be seated.
Gavin, we're over here.
Are you supposed
to sit over here?
Sillyman versus
Happily Ever After.
Just come over
here real quick.
We should sit on the same.
Siliman versus
Happily Ever After.
Excuse me, is there a problem?
Will you both
approach the bench?
No, sir, uh, Your Honor.
My attorney's sitting
on the wrong side.
Is that true, mister?
No, Your Honor, I'm
opposing counsel.
You can't be.
Oh, he's right, Mr. Siliman,
that's what it says here.
Otherwise it'd be
two against zero,
which would be highly irregular.
Having my best friend
oppose me, that's regular?
Back to your seats, gentlemen.
But, I...
Back, I've ruled.
What is wrong with you?
It's nothing personal.
Paying me a lot of money.
I said I would pay you.
No, real money.
Remember me, boys?
Mr. Siliman, you're up first.
Dating can be very stressful.
One of the reasons for
joining a dating service
is to make that process easier.
I told Happily Ever After
I didn't like to travel.
They set me up with
a travel agent.
I said I like movies.
They paired me up
with an actress,
but she couldn't have
been a very good actress,
because she couldn't act
the least bit interested
in meeting me.
I didn't join a dating
service to be set up
for further rejection.
This company was
clueless as to who I am
and what I was looking for.
They didn't live up to the
spirit of the contract,
and that's why I'm
asking for my money back.
Mr. Brewster, response?
Your Honor, we don't
deny that plaintiff's had
a rough go of it,
but we intend to prove
that Happily Ever After
did everything in its
power to match Kip,
uh, Mr. Siliman.
We'll further show that Mr.
Siliman abandoned my client
long before they
allegedly abandoned him.
your first witness.
Thy have witnesses?
Mr. Siliman, it
is not your turn.
The defense calls Kip Siliman.
All right, Mr.
Siliman, it's your turn.
Come here, I don't bite.
Mr. Siliman, you're
a college graduate.
Yale, in fact,
and you were our high
school's valedictorian.
You're a very intelligent man.
I've had a good education.
Intelligent enough to know
what you were getting into.
Book smart doesn't necessarily
translate into life smart.
Come, come, Mr. Siliman,
you may take a
sophisticated pleasure
in underestimating
your own intelligence,
but please don't
insult all of ours,
just because none of
us here went to Yale.
I went to Duke.
Biggest mistake I ever made.
Second biggest.
You signed a contract
with Happily Ever After.
This is your signature?
A contract is a
kind of relationship.
A special bond between two
consenting parties, is it not?
Wouldn't you agree a good
relationship is based on trust
and commitment?
Yes, but...
But you didn't follow
through on your commitment.
You left this relationship
with my client
after barely getting started,
before you had a chance to
feel each other out, to talk,
to listen.
After only one date, one.
Only one that counted,
there were other...
If this is how you conduct
yourself in relationships,
it's no wonder my client
couldn't match you.
I don't need a second date
to know it's not
going to work out.
No second chances,
eh, Mr. Siliman?
If only we were
all so omniscient.
Did you express your
dissatisfaction to my client?
I tried, but every time I did,
they would just ask me if
my dates were pretty enough.
You got something
against pretty dates?
Did you inform my client
you were only interested
in ugly dates?
Of course I like pretty dates,
but that wasn't the point.
What is the
point, Mr. Siliman?
Were you this confusing
when talking to my client?
Are you going to say anything
else besides counselor?
You just worry about
yourself, Mr. Siliman.
I am not the one on trial here.
Please tell the
court your occupation.
I'm a videographer.
A wedding videographer
to be exact.
You videotape weddings.
Speak up, please.
Are you proud of what you do?
I'm good at it.
I'm good at taking
out the garbage.
Aces, my wife says,
but I don't do it
as a profession.
Life hasn't turned
out like you planned,
has it, Mr. Siliman?
How could you ever
expect to find true love
when you don't
even love yourself?
Give me a break.
I'm sorry, Your Honor,
I know it's a cliche,
but how do you think
cliches got to be cliches?
By always being right.
Move on, counselor.
In your profession
have you ever had
a dissatisfied customer?
No, I've been very fortunate.
Too bad you can't say the
same for the women you've dated.
Is he allowed to keep
insulting me like this?
I've heard worse.
I'm through with this witness.
You may step down.
Wait, don't I get
to cross myself?
We're not in
church, Mr. Siliman.
You'll get your
chance again later.
Miss Gilbert, you understand
you're in a court of law?
You're expected to tell the
truth under penalty of perjury.
I do.
Describe to us
in your own words
your one and only
date with Mr. Siliman.
It was a nightmare.
He must've lied on
his questionnaire.
He's a vegetarian,
and he hates meat.
Where was that on his profile?
And then, then after
our so-called date,
he kept calling me
and harassing me.
I called you once.
You left in the
middle of dinner.
I had no idea what had happened.
I was trying to get as far
away from you as possible.
If I was such an awful match,
doesn't that
confirm my argument,
Happily Ever After had no
idea what they were doing?
It only confirms
that you are a creep.
Now she's insulting me.
- Nothing further.
- Stop harassing me!
The witness will
step down, please.
And shut up.
How much they
pay you for that?
2999, plus unlimited
referrals for life.
Your Honor, with
the court's permission,
I would like to
recall Mr. Siliman.
Is that really necessary?
Yes, Your Honor.
All right, but he
may answer from there.
I'm gettin' tired of all
this back and forth nonsense.
You're still under
oath, Mr. Siliman.
How long's it been since
you've had sexual relations
with a woman?
Oh, God, no, Your Honor.
Mr. Siliman.
Too confusing.
Mr. Siliman, you
better take the stand.
Mr. Siliman,
how long's it been
since you've been
intimate with a woman?
Is this relevant?
Please, answer the question.
Permission to treat
the witness as hostile.
Absolutely not.
Let's all be nice.
Do I have to answer in
front of all these people?
You may whisper it to me.
It's okay.
I'm the judge.
10 years!
Healthy young man
such as yourself?
10 years.
That's a long time.
You better do something
about that, son.
You haven't had
intercourse in 10 years.
No physical
relations of any kind?
No hanky-panky,
no roll in the hay,
no tickle me Elmo...
Asked and answered,
counselor, give him a break.
I haven't made
love, kissed, hugged,
or held hands with a
woman in 10 years, okay?
You satisfied?
I'm perfectly
satisfied, Mr. Siliman.
It's not my fault
you're a loser.
Again with the name calling.
Stop insulting the witness.
Let there be no doubt the
court heard you correctly.
It is your sworn testimony
that you have not made love,
kissed, or held hands
with a woman in 10 years.
Then you are a little liar.
Do not call the
witness a liar.
Only the judge may call
the witness a liar.
I wasn't objecting so
much to the liar part.
And I have the
photos to prove it.
Let me see those.
Where did you get these?
The source
wishes to remain anonymous.
These are good, look at
that lighting, composition.
Do you deny knowing the
woman in the photographs?
Were these shot with film?
Of course not.
They weren't?
I was answering his question.
I think it was
shot on a cell phone.
No foolin'?
What is your
relationship to her?
You know our relationship.
I'm sure he does, Mr. Siliman,
but we'd like to know as well.
We're friends.
You call this friendship?
Do friends kiss like this?
At length, passionately
on the lips?
You have to
understand the context.
Oh, I believe the
context is quite clear.
We were kissing, but we
weren't really kissing.
See, we were
practicing for my date.
And you're not
really suing my client?
You're just practicing
for the People's Court.
The People's
Court, are you mock...
Is it not true, Mr. Siliman...
Did you just interrupt me?
No, I, uh.
No one interrupts me
in my courtroom.
Sorry, Your Honor,
it won't happen again.
See that it doesn't.
Uh, is it not
true, Mr. Siliman,
that you would like to be
involved with this woman?
That you harbor romantic
feelings for her,
stronger than you are willing
to admit in this courtroom?
The defense calls
Carly Feinstien.
What is the nature of your
relationship to Mr. Siliman?
He's been in love
with me for years,
but he knows that I
only date professionals.
He's just a wedding
videographer, you know?
But he never took the hint.
No further questions.
You may step down.
You just perjured yourself.
Plaintiff will please refrain
from insulting the witness.
So sue me.
I can't believe you told Gavin
that I was a lousy kisser.
I said not great.
I never used the word lousy.
I'm sorry.
Kiss off.
Witness will step down.
Were you responsible
for those pictures?
I was in them, you idiot.
Step down!
Is it not likely, Mr. Siliman,
that your feelings
for Miss Feinstien
predisposed you to
rejecting other women?
That, in fact, no matter
who Happily Every After
paired you with, you
would have rejected her
because of this
preexisting obsession,
and that is why you
want your money back?
If I deny it, is someone
else going to insult me?
The defense rests, Your Honor.
Do you rest, too, Mr. Siliman?
No, I wanna make a
closing statement.
But please keep it brief.
Happily Ever After caught
me at a very vulnerable time
in my life, adulthood.
All I ever wanted was
to be loved by a woman
as much as I loved her,
to grow old together,
happily ever after.
Poor sap.
But I suppose that is
just another fairytale.
I admit I was naive.
I thought for the amount
of money they charged me,
they knew something
that I didn't.
I can accept being alone
for the rest of my life,
but no one should be allowed
to take financial advantage
of that loneliness.
And we're live in three, two.
Have you been doing small
claims court very long?
Well, I used to
do divorce court,
but I got tired of
running into my ex-wife.
Is she an attorney?
Husband number one and four.
The good news is I
still have 15 referrals
left on my membership.
The bad news is
they're all with her.
Yeah, well, the judge must've
found it hard to believe
that someone like you would
have trouble attracting women.
That's always been my problem.
People overestimating me.
You did well.
Gavin looked worried
until the ruling.
That's what people get
for underestimating me.
Bad news is I lost all my
friends in the process.
You didn't.
That's okay because
the good news is
I've had those
friends for so long,
it's about time I
got some new ones.
Bad news is I've got no
money left to buy any.
Well, you should've asked
Gavin to defend you first.
I was not the defendant.
Would've won if it
weren't for those photos.
Yeah, well,
looked pretty bad getting
caught in a lie like that.
You thought I was lying, too?
We were practicing.
Is that why you gave
him those photos?
I know it was you.
Mr. Siliman?
I, they offered me a raise.
Mr. Siliman?
I mean, I turned 'em down.
You gave them the
pictures for free.
Is that supposed to
make me feel better?
Rhonda Royce at
Channel Six news.
Will you appeal?
If I could appeal would I
have needed a dating service
in the first place?
The verdict, will
you appeal the verdict?
Can you appeal
small claims court?
Of course you can appeal
to all those single
women out there
looking for the
same thing you are.
Single ladies out there looking
for the same thing you are.
I can't accept
this, it's too much.
Hey, stop!
Hey, stop.
Do I have
to separate you two?
You think it's kismet
we keep running into
each other like this?
Kismet, my ass.
You call my date to find
out where we were meeting?
That wouldn't be ethical.
Well, you better leave
before she gets here.
We wouldn't want her being jaded
before she's been with your
service a while longer.
Too late.
It's not even the right color.
They were out of yellow.
Are you really my referral?
Haven't you guys run out of
employees for me to date?
No, uh, there's still
Joann and Sarah and Dean.
Dean, Dean seemed
like a nice guy.
This is the only way I
could get you to talk to me.
You won't answer my calls.
You put shades on your windows.
What about your husband?
We're getting a divorce.
He asked you?
I asked him.
I got tired of waiting around
for him to come up
with the idea himself.
Well, congratulations.
Your aloneness is now complete.
I'm surprised
you're still with us.
Do I have a choice?
She'll come around.
I doubt it.
She has to.
She loves you.
She does?
Would she have done what
she did if she didn't?
I don't know.
Wait, who are we
talking about here?
You know, your
girlfriend Cathy.
Carly, she's
not my girlfriend.
You kiss her like she is.
We were practicing.
How do you practice kissing?
Show me.
Show me!
Show me!
Show me.
I haven't pronounced
you husband and wife yet.
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
This is my court of yard.
Pull another stunt
like that and I won't.
Won't happen again.
See that it doesn't.
We're sorry.
Please continue.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
Go on, kiss, I won't watch.
You're not counting that.
He's married, isn't he?
He sued us.
After you butted in.
What'd you expect
me to do, marry him?
If you wanna play
with the big boys.
That's bigamy.
You've gotta be prepared
to bend a few rules.
I believe that brings
me back to a 100%.
Thank you very much.
Throw away it all
And the only thing
you planned ahead
Was a clean slate
Projecting too tall
Waking up identical
To your past life
Here today
Gone tomorrow
Be that way
Whoa oh whoa oh
Here today
And gone tomorrow
Be that way
Whoa oh whoa oh
Such loving eyes
Wasted on an altitude
Where nothing's good enough
And another thing
You'll never find
Anything you're lookin' for
By just visiting
Visiting oh oh
Here today
Gone tomorrow
Be that way
Whoa oh whoa oh
Here today
And gone tomorrow
Be that way
Unintentional it seems
To be so much more than anyone
But that's your game, love
You erased everything
And your wasted
lies are blind to it
Such a shame you cared at all