Borderline Funny (2026) Movie Script
1
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage,
one of Toronto's favorite
comedians, Jordan Peters.
Of course, we have the elephant
in the room these days,
who's always Mr. Donald Trump,
yeah, yeah.
The only guy who could bankrupt
a casino and the country.
Hey, world, you're next.
You know he just changed
the name from
the Department of Defense
to the Department of War
because he says defense
is too defensive.
We gotta be offensive, too.
Yeah, wouldn't worry about
that much, Colonel Bone Spurs.
You're pretty offensive already.
You know, he once said
he was a "stable genius."
Which is true if the stable only
had two horses and one was glue.
But in all seriousness,
when Trump meets with
his cabinet, he's probably the
smartest person in the room.
Take his Attorney General,
Pam Blondie.
And you know, I hate to
reinforce negative stereotypes,
but Blondie once announced
that her beloved boss,
the Trumpster, has personally
saved 258 million Americans
from ODing on fentanyl.
That's out of a
population of 340 mil.
So, uh, 75% of every man,
woman, and child--what a guy.
Oh, Donald, Donald.
You know, he also said he
wants to buy Greenland.
See, that's how you know
you're rich and insane:
you start buying countries
off Amazon.
What a guy, what a guy,
always full of ideas.
A big UFC event at
the White House
for the country's
250th anniversary.
Hell, why stop there?
Why not a Tesla
demolition derby?
I'd love to see those
stupid Cybertrucks
smashing each other up
on the front lawn.
Yeah, may chew up
the grass a bit,
but hey, get over it,
ya bunch of libtards.
All right, ladies and gents,
that's it for me.
Gotta am-scray.
Gotta head down to
Rochester tomorrow night.
You know the place,
land of guns, God,
and untreated gallstones.
Thank you, guys,
it's been a pleasure.
All right, Dawg, I'm not
gone for long.
Maybe three days.
Feel free to scratch the sofa
in disgust at my absence.
Sheila will be here to feed you.
Feel free to express
the usual disdain.
I can see
you're listening
to everything I'm saying.
Watch it.
I'll cut you out of my act.
Before
I crossed the border,
I thought I'd just drive along
to see the falls.
The good ones, of course,
the Horseshoe Falls.
The Yanks got us beat in fighter
jets and guns per capita
and lots of things,
but we definitely got
the better deal in waterfalls.
I always thought I'd get some
material out of this place,
but I never did.
Hard to beat Oscar Wilde,
one of the all-time
great lines of comedy:
"Niagara Falls, the second
great disappointment
of American married life."
Snarky gay humor,
before it was a thing.
I wasn't even thinking about
crossing or the border
or problems or anything.
I was just dreamily trying
to come up with new material.
Pretty naive, I guess.
- Passport.
- Oh, right.
Where are you headed today?
Um, Rochester.
Purpose of your visit?
I'm a comic.
I'm doing a comedy club tonight.
So you're working.
Well, technically.
I mean, if they laugh.
What kind of comedy?
Satire--political mostly.
Political.
You know you need a visa
to work here, right?
Yeah, I've toured in
the States, it's there.
Oh, I can see it.
It expired last week.
Pull over to secondary
processing, okay.
Go to the front desk, and
I'll give them your passport.
Take off your hat.
The hat.
So, you do political comedy.
Yeah, and stuff about my cat,
that sort of thing.
Your cat, but mostly political.
Friend of yours?
Uh, that would be Nicole Richie.
What do you think of
our president?
I'm not known for my
restraint, but here, I tried.
The line in my routine was that
I despise Donald Trump
more than anyone on Earth.
Except possibly Melania, or
Melanoma, as Don calls her.
I figured I'd better
not use that here.
I think he's very good.
Very forceful.
Come on, Jordan, don't
bullshit me here.
Here's what you think...
Funny.
Huh, don't like Christians?
Where'd you get this from?
I think Ukraine.
Ukraine?
What were you doing there?
A comedy festival.
"How to Talk Dirty
and Influence People."
Is that what you do, Jordan?
It's Lenny Bruce's
autobiography.
Who's Lenny Bruce?
- He's a stand-up comic.
- Yeah, I really don't care.
Oh, here's you.
Then
he changed his tune
when he wanted to bomb
those Venezuelan speedboats.
Now, he says 300 million
Americans have died
of overdoses.
So, 40 million left,
we got a chance.
It's really funny.
Nothing Stephen Colbert
doesn't say every night.
Stephen Colbert is an American.
An asshole, but an American one.
And he's toast.
It was just a joke.
Yeah, not anymore, it isn't.
Got a Palestinian flag here.
You a big fan of Hamas?
No.
Are you anti-Semitic,
you anti-Jewish?
No, Christ, no.
I'm in the comedy business.
Most of the time, I'm the
only goy in the building,
"The only goy."
What about that shirt, is
that a political statement.
No, no, it's just a shirt.
Yeah, that's also bullshit.
Told you not to lie, Jordan.
Well, I think we've seen enough.
Come on, down here.
Welcome here, this is your room.
Come on in.
Enjoy the stay.
I couldn't believe it.
One minute, I was just another
schmuck toiling in the
tough vineyards of
stand-up comedy.
- The next?
- Have a nice evening.
I was a handcuffed
ward of Uncle Sam.
If laughter is the
best medicine,
why does it feel
like I overdosed?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
ICE.
I-C-E.
I'll just see myself out.
Stupid joke.
Needs a new punchline.
Niagara-Buffalo
didn't know what to do with me.
So they did what they do
to all migrant arrestees.
Shipped me off to one of
the ICE detention centers.
For lucky me, they picked the
LaSalle Detention Facility,
miles from anywhere in
the wilds of Louisiana.
It's formally called the Central
Louisiana ICE Processing Center.
Informally, CLIPC.
It has quite a reputation.
It's privately run, so someone
makes a lot of money out of it,
now that it's jammed
with migrants.
The ACLU reported widespread
physical and sexual abuse.
Back when America was semi-sane,
the Department of Justice
even sued the prison operators
for beating, tear-gassing,
and pepper-spraying the inmates.
I wasn't looking forward to it.
All right, you monkeys,
all three of you,
coming in here with
black marks on your record.
Believe you think
you're a wise guy.
No.
No, what?
No, sir?
That's right, you watch
your manners.
Agent McQuarry
thinks I'm a softie.
He is not.
You'd be Aziz Karimi.
Yes, sir.
And you'd be Kasper Johannson,
I assume.
Yo-hannson--
sir.
Says here you resisted arrest
when ICE picked you up.
They were pulling me out of
my car in front of my kids.
They were wearing masks.
I didn't know who they were.
Yeah, and I don't give a shit.
We got three levels in here.
Most people come in,
they get a yellow suit.
They cause trouble, we
shift them into orange.
You monkeys already
caused trouble.
We got a brand-new set
of these just for you.
You're starting in orange.
You make more trouble?
We put you into one of these...
and we move you to the red unit,
or in solitary.
Or both.
Now, strip them clothes off.
Like, everything?
Yes, everything, asshole.
And hurry up, or y'all
gonna miss dinner.
Wow.
Dinner and a strip show.
You guys really know how
to roll out the carpet.
McQuarry.
He said hurry up.
All right.
Raise your hands
above your heads.
Turn around.
Lean over.
Spread your legs.
Spread your cheeks.
And cough.
Let's go, let's go.
Today, ladies.
Thank you.
Once they determined
we hadn't hidden our dignity
up our ass, they admitted
us to our unit.
As we were told, we were
on the orange team,
the mid-level troublemakers.
Not the best, not the worst.
What's with this?
These are your sheets,
la couverture.
I thought you
didn't speak English.
I don't always want to
speak English.
Okay.
So, this is it?
No pillow, no blanket, no
toothpaste, no Pornhub?
Ah, made in China, very nice.
Mm, fine Egyptian cotton.
500 thread count, I'm sure.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey, man, what's wrong?
Hey, hey.
Sorry, man.
I have epilepsy.
That was just a mild one.
How did you get that?
A dog attacked me in Miami
when I was five.
I think that caused it.
Jesus.
Isn't there anything
you could take for it?
Yeah, there is, Zonegran.
But they don't want
to get it for me.
Baptiste wasn't the
only one with a wild backstory.
So, you Danish?
Yeah.
From Copenhagen.
No, it's Frederikssund.
It's a little town in the north.
Danish, like Hamlet.
And the pastry.
I suppose.
So, what's your story?
My wife was a backpacker.
We met in Spain.
We worked at the same bar.
One thing led to another
and we got married.
We moved to her hometown,
Zanesville, Ohio.
It's a little bit bigger than
Frederikssund, but not much.
Yeah, yeah.
What'd you do there?
I'm a welder.
Started a welding company.
Did okay.
Me and my wife had two girls.
They are now four and six.
And you have your green card?
Yeah, and there is a form
you can use to extend it.
It's called I-751.
And there's something
called biometric fee.
What's that?
I don't know these things.
Fingerprints,
that sort of thing.
Did you get it?
No, the offices are very
difficult to get through
with all the cutbacks.
These days it can take up
to four years to get it.
It's crazy.
And what happened?
My wife was pregnant again.
This time, there were
a lot of problems.
We had to go to a
hospital in Columbus.
There were issues
with insurance.
They wouldn't pay for it.
Eventually, the baby died.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, man.
Then what?
Well, with all that, the I-751
just slipped through the cracks.
I guess I should have
realized how important it was.
One day, I was driving the girls
to school, like always,
and we were swarmed there
by five men in masks.
They dragged me from the car,
arrested me,
and three days later,
they shipped me here,
where I met you.
The nights were bad.
No pillow and lights left on
24 hours a day and snoring
made it pretty
impossible to sleep.
Only good thing was the
guards left us alone.
Seems they spent most of their
time watching Fox News on TV.
We got
a lot of work to do.
You know, when they let--I
think the real number is
15, 16 million people
into our country.
When they do that, we
got a lot of work to do.
They're poisoning the
blood of our country.
That's what they've done.
They poison mental institutions
and prisons all over the world.
Not just in South America, not
just the three or four countries
that we think about,
but all over the world.
They're coming into our country
from Africa, from Asia,
all over the world.
They're pouring into
our country.
Nobody's even looking at them.
They just come in.
The crime is going to be
tremendous.
The terrorism is going to be--
terrorism is going to be.
And we built a tremendous
piece of the wall
and then we're going to
build more.
And the election was rigged
and we didn't do it,
but I figured they'd
just throw it up.
Would have taken three weeks,
it was all built.
It was all ready to
be just hoisted up.
The exact wall that the Border
Patrol, who are incredible,
Brandon, Judd and all of the
people at Border Patrol,
that's exactly
what they designed.
They had the anti-climb bars,
they had everything.
And you know what they did?
They didn't want it to go up.
They sold it for 5 cents
on the dollar.
Can you believe it,
all of that stuff.
It's a very sad thing.
That's how
I got my news.
Of course, I really
got it from the guys
that Cheeto Benito slagged
as murderers and rapists
who were with me in the joint.
I thought Kasper's tale was bad,
but the others were even worse.
Man, this shit is awful.
Never gonna bitch about
the lasagna they serve us
backstage at the
comedy clubs again.
You know, they had some cases
of stew a few weeks ago
that was marked to be
shipped in Desert Storm.
They had to scrub the mold
off it before serving it.
Hey, you were in Desert
Storm, weren't you?
No, no, no, no.
I was only two
during Desert Storm.
I worked for America during
the invasion of 2003.
What did you do?
I was like an interpreter,
a guide, fixer.
Really?
Were you out there in
the field with them?
Oh yeah.
He was out there
getting shot at.
Only difference was they didn't
give him a helmet or a gun
or a flak jacket.
Is that right?
Oh yeah.
He had to jump out of the way
using his magical powers,
just like the Trumpster did
when he got shot at.
Kasper was one of
those crazy Europeans
that could speak about
five languages.
He became our cell block
translator.
Well, the Taliban
obviously hated our guts,
so the American army
got us out with them.
They got us the paperwork
and helped us settle here.
Where did you go?
Michigan.
Favorite place for us "Ay-rabs,"
for some reason.
Probably because it's the
closest place to sanity land,
you know, in case they
decide you're all terrorists.
It seems they already did.
Kristi Noem, head of Homeland?
She just made an announcement.
Said we don't need what they
call Temporary Protected Status
anymore, TPS.
We should all just deport
ourselves back to Afghanistan.
Did you consider it?
God, man, the Taliban
would bust me
the moment I got off the plane.
Probably kill me.
At the very least, jail me,
and their jails?
Worse than this one.
Marginally.
Plus, I--
have a wife and kid
up in Dearborn.
What happened?
Well, there's a lot
of ICE up there.
One night they came by.
My kid was in the bath,
so I wouldn't let them in.
They broke the door,
charged in, took me away.
There was a lot of screaming.
One of them had been in Kabul
with the Marines
when I was working for them.
He knew my story.
Apologized, but said there
was nothing he could do.
- Hey, you still awake?
- Oh, yeah.
How does anyone get
any sleep in here
with the lights on all the time?
It's not easy.
No.
So, you're from Haiti?
Just arrived?
No, I came here with my
mother when I was five.
We were boat people.
Little after was when this guy
let his pit bull attack me.
Right, right,
caused the epilepsy.
Yeah.
So, you're illegal here.
Oh, no, no.
We got refugee status.
I have a green card.
It's locked up in the
office over there.
Well, at least I hope
it's still there.
You get busted for something?
Nah.
I mean, I get that a lot,
though.
People just assume that
if you're Haitian,
you must be a gang-banger
or something.
So?
I'm a student.
Or I guess I was a student.
Went to Florida University.
Studied nursing.
My girlfriend is Palestinian,
and one day she convinced me
to come to this big protest
at the college
over the war in Gaza.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
I showed up next week on
campus and we both got busted.
They revoked my green card
and revoked her student visa.
Wow.
Where is she now?
Don't know.
I tried to call her once,
but didn't get any answers.
They probably took her
phone or something.
She must be in one of these
facilities somewhere,
woman's detention center.
Jesus Murphy.
Three months ago, I was so
desperate to get out of here
that I asked to self-deport and
they said, nah, impossible,
not until I appear
before a judge.
And that hasn't happened yet.
Damn, man, that's heavy.
Yeah.
Any luck getting your drugs?
It's dangerous being
here without them.
Real dangerous.
Anyways, you're
from Canada, right?
True North,
strong and free.
I heard there's a lot
of Haitians there.
I never been.
How's Canada like?
Well, health care is free,
guns are rare.
And our fascists are polite
enough to lose elections.
It's kind of like a nice
second-floor apartment
that's really beautiful, except
below on the main floor
is a crack house run by
the Hell's Angels.
That's a good one.
To be honest, it's not mine.
It's a Robin Williams line.
Greatest comic ever.
I thought you said
George Carlin was?
Probably.
And Steven Wright
and Jimmy Kimmel.
Well, you're the best one
locked up in CLIPC.
Thanks.
It's an honor I never expected.
But I'll take it.
You should do some
for the guys here.
Lift their spirits up.
Really, in here, you think so?
Yeah, absolutely,
you're a comedian.
You're supposed to
brighten up people's lives.
Even in here.
Especially in here.
Yeah, well, I have to
get my spirits up first.
That was the last
conversation I had
with Baptiste--or that
anyone had with him.
The craziest thing
happened later that night.
Shit, Baptiste, Baptiste!
Hey, hey, cool it,
brother, Baptiste.
Baptiste!
Guards, guards, emergency.
Hurry up!
Baptiste, Baptiste!
Come on, get back in
your bunks, guys,
give these guys some space.
Where the hell were you guys,
it's been like a half an hour.
All right,
what's his name?
- Baptiste.
- I don't know.
Baptiste!
Hey, Baptiste, can you hear me?
Hey, Baptiste, wake up.
What's going on?
Okay, we're gonna
lift on one, two, three.
One, two, three.
- Is he?
- Yeah, he's a goner, okay?
Now get back in your bunks,
guys, okay?
Wow, that one
knocked me out pretty badly.
Knocked all of us out.
Except for the warden.
Didn't seem to bother him.
He just kept watching TV.
All these criminal
migrants that have been flooded
in the country are gonna be the
first to get thrown out of here.
I mean, you've seen
case after case,
these heartbreaking tragedies.
Those ones are gonna get
found and deported first.
And look at this
Venezuelan gang.
You have a Venezuelan gang
that is taking over entire
apartment buildings
in Aurora, Colorado.
And that's responsible,
by the way, for some of
the most heinous crimes
that have happened
all over the United States.
I was mightily
bummed out by this event,
but I finally decided
I'd try to get over it
by honoring
Baptiste's suggestion.
Okay, here we go, guys.
Baptiste wanted me to try
to give you a few laughs.
This was his idea.
This is for our late friend,
Baptiste Hippolyte.
Eh Baptiste.
Killed by the ICE
detention system.
All right, all right, all right.
I don't think I've ever said
this to an audience before,
but maybe we should
keep it down, guys.
No, no, we'll be fine.
Do you know what you need?
A microphone.
Test, test, one, two, three.
This is my first time performing
at the Central Louisiana
Immigration Processing Center.
Can't say I'm happy to be here,
but I am happy to be performing
in front of all of you fine
rapists and reprobates.
You missed gentlemen.
Yeah, Johnny Cash
got Folsom Prison?
I get LIPC.
Don't think they made him
spend the night, though.
No, sir.
So, how did I get here?
I crossed the border with
an iPhone and an accent.
US Customs looked at me like
I was smuggling in socialism.
I told the border guard
I'm a comic.
He said, "What kind of jokes?"
I said, "Mostly about Trump."
So he said, "Terrorist."
At the border, they started
searching my car
for ideological material.
I said, "Sir, I'm Canadian.
My ideology is politeness,
lovemaking, and maple syrup."
Two of which will leave you
feeling sticky.
That was a good one.
I got really worried
when they started
looking through my things.
They found a tube of
toothpaste with fluoride.
That shit is not
allowed anymore.
Oh, no, Robert Kennedy
put an end to that.
Wants our teeth to rot.
I don't know, more
income for the dentists.
This guy.
So, you all are
immigrants, are you?
Oh, yeah.
The Trumpster hates immigrants.
Crazy thing is, his mother was
an immigrant from Scotland
and his grandfather an
immigrant from Germany.
And two of his wives
were immigrants.
I don't know, further proof
immigrants will do work
that Americans won't touch.
Nobody else wants that job.
How crazy are things?
The guy cleaning the floors
gets deported,
and the guy who
storms the Capitol
gets a pardon and
a podcast deal.
- Only in America.
- Only in America.
So how do I like this place?
Well, when I got here,
they fingerprinted me,
photographed me, and gave
me this nice name tag.
It was like I was joining
a really nice club.
Except the only item
on the menu is despair.
Tell it, brother.
They said it's not jail.
It's "administrative custody."
And the food here is
"culinary confinement."
Yeah, the meals here are
amazing, aren't they?
Yeah, lovely.
They've scientifically
managed to make
the rice taste like paperwork.
More like cardboard.
Maybe.
They keep calling this place
a "processing center."
I don't feel processed.
I feel microwaved.
Like a day-old burrito
nobody asked for.
Oh, yeah.
I asked to make a phone call.
They said, "No phone calls
out of the country.
People can visit you
one visit per week."
So I said, "Well, how are they
even gonna know where I am?"
New rules, as Bill Maher says,
most of them written
by Stephen Miller.
Scary.
Makes Joseph Goebbels seem sane.
Stevie's idea of diversity
is hiring white people
from different
gated communities.
Right on, brother.
He told Black & Decker
to change their name to
White & Decker, or he's gonna
get the IRS to audit them.
I was asking you
about Caracas
and the numbers in Caracas.
Are you trusting the
numbers of the dictatorship?
I am trusting the fact
that Kamala Harris
is letting illegal immigrants
into this country
who are raping and
murdering children.
I have been very
respectful, why are you--
Do you know who
Jocelyn Nungaray is?
Do you know who she is?
Do you know how many
people is experiencing violence
in Caracas?
Who is she--who is
Laken Riley?
Why are you
yelling again?
Because--I'm yelling
because children are being
raped and murdered.
I was just
asking for figures,
and you have not replied
to me about those figures.
Do you know who
Kayla Hamilton is?
Do you trust the
numbers of Nicolas Maduro?
I trust a ruthless
dictator will empty his prisons
and send their criminals
to our country.
You trust his numbers?
The most dangerous
gang in Venezuela is--
Do you trust
Nicolas Maduro?
I trust that he does
not want his criminals to be--
So you're
believing his numbers?
I believe he's sending
his criminals to our country.
What the hell is that?
You go check that out.
Mr. Poopy Pants didn't really
want to become president.
He just wanted a new reality
show, and he got one,
"The Trump Show."
Way better than
"The Apprentice."
I mean, he used to only
get to fire D-listers
like Meatloaf and Gary Busey.
Now he gets to fire the
president of Ukraine
and South Africa.
And Greenland.
Right, and Greenland.
Hey, the kibitzers in the
comedy clubs used to
hide in the darkness, but here?
I used to complain
about the lighting
at some of the joints
I played in.
But how do you like the
lighting in this place?
It's amazing how fast hope can
dry out under these things.
It's like a UV lamp
for your soul.
Hey, could be worse.
We could all be in Trumpy's
new prison out in the
Florida Everglades that he
calls Alligator Alcatraz.
The Republicans love that one.
First of all, there's a sort of
medieval cruelty about it
that appeals to them, but mostly
it's just the alliteration.
As a stand-up comic,
I learned long ago
the dumbest, cheapest jokes?
Alliteration.
Alligator Alcatraz.
That's a good one.
Bro, you should be
on Comedy Central.
Fat chance of that.
But hey, no one forced us to
come to the "Untied" States.
It's just everyone calls it
the land of freedom.
I didn't realize that freedom
comes with a locked cage,
steel beds--
And an officer named--
Steve.
Hello, Steve.
What the shit is going on here?
Oh, just giving the boys a
little evening comedy show.
Comedy?
What do you think this is,
Showtime?
Cut it out.
Shut it down.
Any more of this bullshit--
and you're going red.
That was the end of
my in-prison comedy career
for a while.
Going red didn't sound
like a good thing to do.
But my captive audience
kept bugging me for more.
And comedy's a drug, and
stand-ups are addicted.
I certainly can't stop myself.
So two weeks later,
I was back at it.
I mean, the stuff that comes out
of the hippo-POTUS's nugget hole
is just amazing.
There's only two modes
with this guy:
"I know more than anyone
about this,"
and "I just found out
about this."
I mean, he's a regular
Ferdinand Magellan.
You know that he just
discovered something this year?
He recently learned that cars
have "computer" in them.
Yeah, and he discovered
something else new
that he calls "drone."
And he learned some new
words, beautiful words.
Groceries, gross-eries.
Add another, tariffs,
the most beautiful word
in the English language,
as he calls it.
Tariffs.
Come on, say it with me,
reprobates.
Tariffs.
And you know he's trying to
shut down all the universities?
Yeah.
Apparently Barron
couldn't get into Harvard,
so Harvard is now number one
on the hit list.
But we should all take it
easy on the guy.
He's been going through
a rough time lately.
I mean, you guys all heard
how he lost his best man,
his bromancer-in-chief.
Yeah.
Elon Musk found out that being
the Prez's hatchet man
didn't work out so well for him.
One day he lost $16 billion,
which is almost as much
as the company that runs this
joint makes out of all of us.
You got it, brother.
You guys should be very proud.
You're an important part
of a big business.
Guard here told me that
CoreCivic now has
60 jails going
across the country.
That's $1.7 billion in
revenue just last year.
Funny thing is, a few years ago,
Trump was worried about
being arrested himself.
This year, he's in charge
of funding
the private prison systems
with new blood.
God.
But back to Elon.
Mr. Congeniality is a funny guy.
You know that he claims
to have invented Tesla?
Which he didn't.
And space travel to Mars,
which he hasn't done.
And now, wait for it...
Comedy.
Yeah, Elon Musk invented comedy,
like Stephen Miller
invented empathy.
And like I invented a good way
to enter the United States.
The Trump
administration is escalating
immigration enforcement,
now targeting migrants
at their hearings.
In some cases, agents pushed
past children to make arrests.
Reports say the president is
dissatisfied with the
current number of daily arrests.
In footage captured today, a
female migrant is seen detained
by masked agents, shouting,
"Ayudame," meaning, "Help me."
Oh, yeah, we'll help you.
She appears to resist
as she's pulled away
from her children and
taken onto a bus.
But the Trumpster is pretty
tame compared to
some of his henchmen.
Stephen Miller, for instance.
Stevie looks like the kid
in school who would
remind the teacher to
hand out homework.
I mean, he was probably
in charge,
doling out detention slips
as well.
Oh, yeah.
People call him a racist.
He's not.
He just feels that the Statue of
Liberty should be holding up
a Keep Out sign.
Stephen's creepy, but
at least his policies
probably won't kill you.
Mr. Kennedy, on the other hand.
RFK Jr. is like if a TED talk
got hit in the head with a brick
and then went into politics.
He's refreshing.
Finally, someone who combines
the scientific rigor
of the dark web
with the charm of a juice
cleanse cult leader.
Hey, come on, we can't
blame him.
He's got a worm in his brain
and a dead bear roadkill
in the back of his SUV.
He talks like this, sort of
like Count Dracula.
Probably because of all the
ivermectin that he injected
during the pandemic
to fight COVID.
What the hell
is going on here?
You back at it again,
troublemaker?
I thought I told you
to put a sock in it.
All right, that's it.
You're out of here--
you're going red.
Like they promised,
I got put on the red team.
Then as a signing bonus,
they threw me in
solitary confinement.
Just me, myself, and I in here.
It's designed to drive
you crazy,
and I bet a lot of people
can't handle it.
Me?
I've had a bit of
practice with it.
I once did a gig in Regina,
totally empty house.
two strippers on their phones,
and a bartender washing glasses.
I just kept working on
new material.
Like I said, it's a drug
and I'm addicted.
Why couldn't I just do
mother-in-law
and vasectomy jokes?
Why couldn't I just
find a new occupation?
Why do mountain climbers
keep climbing mountains
when they're 75?
You do what you do.
I only had cockroaches
for an audience.
Hey, drunk hecklers are worse.
So I just kept coming up
with new bits.
The Trumpster wants all the jobs
to come back to 'Murica.
Which means all the people
in Vietnam and Mexico
who do those jobs
will be out of work.
But American companies will
never pay American workers
what they want.
So instead, all those jobs
will be done by robots.
Hey, I'm talking to you.
And where will all those
American robots be made?
Probably in China.
Hilarity ensues.
Wild applause.
I started having
nightmares,
starring my cockroach friend
taking on the voice
of my good friend in Washington.
I don't
like you either
and probably never will.
I had this dream that
all the big-time Canadian comics
would band together
to get me out.
You know, like Howie Mandel
and Marty Short,
Mike Myers and Dave Thomas
and Jim Carrey.
Rick Moranis and Gene Levy.
And the ghosts of John Candy
and Mack Sennett.
They'd all fly down on Dan
Aykroyd's private flying saucer
and get me released.
But it never happened.
Instead, the most unexpected
thing occurred.
Well, you're
outta here, Peters.
Rules won't let me keep
you in solitary forever.
And you're trouble on the range.
So you're gone.
Back to Canada?
No, no, you haven't
done your time yet.
Down to El Salvador.
El Salvador?
Beats South Sudan.
I want to call
the consulate.
Consulate
Sorry, don't
have the number.
Jesus Christ.
Man, what a scary scene.
Somehow I arrived along
with a big new contingent
of El Salvadorian prisoners.
We used to call it comedy jail
when we bombed
and couldn't get a gig at
Yuk Yuk's or on CBC Radio.
Forget that--this was
real jail.
40,000 prisoners surrounded
by electrified barbed wire.
Biggest jail in the Americas.
Rapido.
Rapido por aqui.
The guards were wicked,
but the gang members
were just as freaky.
Covered in tattoos;
didn't speak any English.
I was lost, man.
I didn't know
much Spanish,
but I knew what gringo meant.
And when I heard it,
I started worrying they were
talking about me.
And you know that showbiz
expression about
how any publicity
is good publicity?
It's not really true
in the CECOT prison.
Oye, gringo.
What's your name?
Where you from?
It's Jordan, I'm Canadian.
Got busted at the border, US.
What for?
Um, comedy.
Comedy?
You're a comedian?
Yeah, political comedian.
- Like Zelensky.
- I suppose.
Except, you know, he's free
and I'm locked up.
Prove it.
Say something funny.
Um...
Okay.
How about that President
Bukele of El Salvador?
Calls himself the
world's coolest dictator.
I didn't even know
that was a thing.
Isn't that like bragging
about how big a jerk you are?
Who's he trying to be?
Bolsonaro, Berlusconi.
Hey, give me another
B for bictator.
Better be careful with that.
I can't help myself.
Your guy's trying
to imitate Trump.
I think both of them ran
Miss Universe pageants
to promote their campaigns.
Only difference was,
as far as I know,
your guy didn't go back
into the dressing rooms
to check out bare boobs.
Dangerous.
Funny, though.
Thanks.
If I keep you laughing,
will you teach me Spanish?
I remember that.
"Sure thing."
So that's
how it started.
I found a bit of a protector,
and he taught me Spanish.
That's how I spent my
first month at CECOT.
I was a pretty fast learner.
If you can memorize
40 minutes of stand-up,
you can learn a few
words of Spanish.
No, no, not "D-S meal."
Diez mil, or you sound
like a Colombian fag.
Diez mil.
How do you say, "Get
out of the way, motherfucker"?
Quitate del camino, cabron.
Quitate del camino, cabron.
Be careful who you
say that to, though.
After a few weeks,
I even had the nerve
to get back to my old racket.
I wondered if my shtick
would work down here.
But then I discovered
comedy is universal.
Like diarrhea.
My stupid little jokes
lightened things up a bit,
I suppose.
But the place was
still horrible.
You could hear the sound
of guys being tortured.
I desperately wanted
to get out of there.
I sure wasn't going to
climb over the walls
or dig a tunnel under them.
Finally, I decided I'd try to
use the only weapon I had--
comedy.
It worked last time,
pissed them off enough.
I figured maybe it
might work again.
Be the class clown, get
a detention, a big one.
It was risky, but
what else could I do?
One night,
without any warning,
I was just pulled out
of my cell block.
They zip-tied my hands and
stuck a hood on my face
and stuck me in a van.
And then we just started
driving for hours.
Sounded like we were
going uphill.
I don't know if it was
volcanoes or what.
I could sort of hear
the guards arguing
about the directions.
Didn't sound like they
really knew the route.
After a couple hours,
they finally found the spot
where they wanted to go.
Ah, Christ!
Whoa.
Margaret Atwood?
Toronto, yeah.
So you speak English?
Yes, natch.
How come?
I lived in Austin
for five years.
So you trust that I'm not
an axe murderer now?
If so, not a very good one.
Then do you trust me enough
to cut the zip tie off?
Should I?
What's the worst
that could happen?
Give me your arms.
Don't be a baby.
You play guitar.
- Mm-hm.
- Me too.
- And you're an artist?
- Very good, Sherlock.
Yes, I'm a painter.
Professional?
It's not easy to sell anything
out here in the wilderness.
Where are we?
Middle of nowhere.
Favorite dumping ground
for the government
to get rid of people
they don't want around.
That's why I'm here.
How so?
I lived in the States
for five years.
And in his first term, they did
a roundup and deported me.
I was a little bit political,
so Bukele's boys
plunked me out here.
Can I ask who that is?
You can ask, but--
Maybe later.
Okay.
So what are we going
to do with you?
I don't know.
You can crash on
my hammock tonight.
Okay, thanks.
- Gracias.
- I'll bring you a mosquito net.
After the craziness
of the last few days,
you can bet I had some
really nutty dreams
the next morning.
I won't bore you with them,
and I certainly won't
try to analyze them.
But they were definitely
worth sleeping in for.
Marta?
When she returned,
she opened with what
I soon learned
was her standard
sarcastic style.
I see Sleeping Beauty is awake
and served himself a coffee.
Where were you?
Oh, I have to report out to
my deadbeat hammock crasher?
No, no.
In case you wanted a second
cup, I went to go get water.
There's a tap right there.
It doesn't work.
Climate change.
Well ran dry.
Climate change.
Haven't you heard?
It's a Chinese hoax.
Fake news.
My neighbor gave me two pupusas.
Do you want one for breakfast?
- Gracias.
- De nada.
So you seem very curious about
that picture of my daughter.
She's your daughter?
Like I said.
Is she at school today?
Probably not.
Don't know.
Why not?
She's somewhere in the States.
I was working at a Home Depot.
They raided.
They caught me.
And they shipped me back here.
She was in school.
They probably put her in
one of those kids' prisons.
Oh my God.
You can't get her back?
I tried.
I went back to look for her.
I crossed, I searched.
But they caught me again.
Kicked me out again.
They said that if they
saw me back there,
they would jail me, four years.
And nobody else has been
able to help?
Tried, but people that might
help have their own problems.
Yeah.
World's like that.
Um.
I brought you these.
I figured you want to get out
of that jail outfit.
Thank you.
People might think you escaped.
I'm not so sure myself.
Wait a minute.
- I can't wear this.
- Why not?
Niagara Falls?
That's where I got busted.
So, I think you have an
expression in English
about beggars not being
able to be choosers.
Where did this come from?
Some used clothes aid or--
maybe a tourist left it?
All right, I'll wear it
with pride.
Muchas gracias.
Who was this
lippy broad I'd found?
I was definitely intrigued.
She seemed generous.
Her paintings were cool.
Her village was something.
After the pupusas
and the new duds,
she told me she wanted to work
and kicked me out to explore it.
I can't believe my
cutthroat comedy plan worked,
and now I was free.
At least, I think I was free.
I was still figuring things out.
When I got back at sunset,
she made me dinner.
Mmm.
This is incredible.
No, it's not, it's just
rice and beans.
Compared to what
I've been eating
for the last three months?
It's incredible.
You've been in jail
for three months?
Something like that.
Maybe more.
You lose count.
All for pictures of Trump
on your phone?
Mine weren't as good as yours.
I love you--you, your--
your paintings.
Gracias.
Portrait of you.
I see that, very becoming.
I really love the way
you captured my--
eyes.
Yes, I worked very hard at that.
I'll bet.
It's flattering.
So the jokes got you
out of prison?
I think so maybe.
Comedy is warfare.
It seems.
Are you going to move back
now to be a big-time comedian?
Small time.
Biggest I've met.
When I was walking around
today,
I started thinking.
I kind of like it here.
I don't think I want to leave.
I suppose I can try to
get to the capital.
They said if they ever saw me
back there or at the airport
or at the border, they'd
throw me back into CECOT.
Scary place.
Didn't break me.
Just gave me new material.
Nothing improves your act like
performing for 20 gang members
who've all committed murder.
Impressive you survived.
Mmm.
Maybe they just didn't think
you were worth stabbing.
What if I did get to the embassy
and they were willing
to fly me home?
How would they do that?
I mean, the only way is by
flying over Yankee land.
What if the plane had a problem,
had to make an
emergency landing?
Now you're just being paranoid.
As far as 'Murica is concerned,
they'd consider me
an escaped felon.
I'd be back in one of
their jails.
It's much nicer here.
Well, well, well.
So you think you want to move
from the big city of "Trawna"
to the pipsqueak village
of Sisimitepec?
Why not?
You do realize that the only
reason that we've been
exiled here is because the
government hopes that
the volcano will blow
and wipe us all out.
I opened up for Louis CK in the
height of all the craziness.
I can handle the heat.
Not the same thing,
but okay.
No one's going to
miss you up there?
Just my cat, Dawg.
I hope someone's
looking after him.
Well, it really is amazing
that you've made
such a monumental
decision to stay here.
I hope you like the hammock.
Man, I was really
falling for this girl,
and for this life.
It seemed so idyllic after
the past three months--
even maybe after the
past eight years.
I dug life on the road
as a quipster for hire,
but I wasn't really missing it.
This place was so different, the
sights, the smells, the sounds.
But then I started hearing a
sound I had never heard before.
What the hell was it?
Was it gunfire?
Was it bombs?
I thought maybe just a
backfiring car or fireworks.
I thought they
would stop, but no.
If anything, they were
getting louder.
Marta.
Finally, I thought I
better do something about it.
Those noises, did you hear them?
It sounds like maybe
gunfire or bombs.
- Did you hear it?
- Si.
You think that's gunshots?
No.
No, my dear, those are
the noises of Izalco.
Izalco?
Our local volcano.
El Faro del Pacifico,
they used to call it.
The Lighthouse of the Pacific.
Are we okay?
Is it gonna blow its top?
It hasn't so far, bambino.
We live with it.
Just like the Trumpy senator
said, we'll all die one day.
Okay.
Sorry to be paranoid.
You've been through
a rough road.
Busted, ICE, CECOT.
Now a volcano.
Wow.
That's not wow.
But maybe this is.
But it's a little noisy
out here,
and after what you've
been through,
maybe you deserve a treat.
Come in?
That was an amazing night.
Totally amazing.
Well, you know what they
say about Latin lovers.
It's all true.
Actually, Canadian ones
aren't so bad either.
But unfortunately, good screwing
doesn't pay for food.
No.
So now that you've decided
to stay here
and not return to the land
of ice and snow,
what exactly are you going
to do down here?
That, I don't know.
If we lived closer to the ocean,
maybe become a
surfing beach bum?
No, that is not gonna cut it.
Why not, you're a surfer.
More of a surfing painter
than a surfer nowadays.
Okay, but I can take you
surfing, surfing's great.
Better than sex, some say.
But I wouldn't go that far.
It is, though, asombroso.
So--?
Surfing is a sport,
not a lifestyle.
It doesn't bring food
to the table
or keep the wolf from the door.
Then I don't know.
I don't think there's a
Yuk Yuk's in this town.
- I have an idea.
- Okay.
I teach art at a little school.
And our English teacher left.
Ran for El Norte and no one
has seen him or heard from him.
Do you think you could do that?
Senor Pedro.
Okay.
Until someone decided
for no good reason
it needed a new name.
Teach them some English.
Si.
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
Estrellita brilla.
Gracias, but that doesn't scan.
So I'm gonna do it
this way instead.
Twinkle, twinkle,
little star.
Twinkle, twinkle,
little star.
Thank you, thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
Stick around,
try the veal cutlets.
Don't forget to tip
your servers.
I'll be here all week.
Good night, El Salvador.
Beneath the shining star
The whispers grow
Can you feel the darkness?
Creeping slow, oh
Villains rise in suits
With greed in their eyes
Trading hope for change
While they wear
their disguise
Life's a game of power
Or so they think
Building prisons to hold us
On every new day
They laugh at the way
If we break their rules
In a world painted gray
They act like cruel fools
Oh, the shadows are calling
Can you see them now?
Echoes of heartbeats,
lost underground
They want to rape,
tear down our dreams
With their speeches and
violence and their wicked memes
Oh, the world's
getting darker
Can't you see?
The world's full of villains
And they're
laughin' scot-free
But we are the light
We're gonna
shine on the night
Finding strength in numbers
We won't lose the fight
Take back the whispers
That rise from the ground
In the ruins of cruelty
Hope can still be found
We'll break these chains
Reclaim our name
Let's turn their
dark corridors
Into brighter lanes
So stand with your brother
Hold tight to your sister
Against the tides of grief
We'll make them reconsider
No more empty promises
No more lies
Together we'll shine
Like stars in the sky
With voices united
We'll sing our refrain
Every note a rebellion
Breaking through the chains
This world may be darker
But we'll find our way
Turning shadows to light
That's where we'll stay
So let's rise together
Under the moon of gold
In the darkness we'll find
That our spirit will grow
Oh, the villains may gather
But there's strength
in our song
In the light of tomorrow
We'll be where we belong
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Sir, sir,
Mr. President,
have you heard about the movie
"Borderline Funny"?
Bigly unfunny, fake news,
radical propaganda.
We're gonna tariff that movie
1,000%, 3,000%.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage,
one of Toronto's favorite
comedians, Jordan Peters.
Of course, we have the elephant
in the room these days,
who's always Mr. Donald Trump,
yeah, yeah.
The only guy who could bankrupt
a casino and the country.
Hey, world, you're next.
You know he just changed
the name from
the Department of Defense
to the Department of War
because he says defense
is too defensive.
We gotta be offensive, too.
Yeah, wouldn't worry about
that much, Colonel Bone Spurs.
You're pretty offensive already.
You know, he once said
he was a "stable genius."
Which is true if the stable only
had two horses and one was glue.
But in all seriousness,
when Trump meets with
his cabinet, he's probably the
smartest person in the room.
Take his Attorney General,
Pam Blondie.
And you know, I hate to
reinforce negative stereotypes,
but Blondie once announced
that her beloved boss,
the Trumpster, has personally
saved 258 million Americans
from ODing on fentanyl.
That's out of a
population of 340 mil.
So, uh, 75% of every man,
woman, and child--what a guy.
Oh, Donald, Donald.
You know, he also said he
wants to buy Greenland.
See, that's how you know
you're rich and insane:
you start buying countries
off Amazon.
What a guy, what a guy,
always full of ideas.
A big UFC event at
the White House
for the country's
250th anniversary.
Hell, why stop there?
Why not a Tesla
demolition derby?
I'd love to see those
stupid Cybertrucks
smashing each other up
on the front lawn.
Yeah, may chew up
the grass a bit,
but hey, get over it,
ya bunch of libtards.
All right, ladies and gents,
that's it for me.
Gotta am-scray.
Gotta head down to
Rochester tomorrow night.
You know the place,
land of guns, God,
and untreated gallstones.
Thank you, guys,
it's been a pleasure.
All right, Dawg, I'm not
gone for long.
Maybe three days.
Feel free to scratch the sofa
in disgust at my absence.
Sheila will be here to feed you.
Feel free to express
the usual disdain.
I can see
you're listening
to everything I'm saying.
Watch it.
I'll cut you out of my act.
Before
I crossed the border,
I thought I'd just drive along
to see the falls.
The good ones, of course,
the Horseshoe Falls.
The Yanks got us beat in fighter
jets and guns per capita
and lots of things,
but we definitely got
the better deal in waterfalls.
I always thought I'd get some
material out of this place,
but I never did.
Hard to beat Oscar Wilde,
one of the all-time
great lines of comedy:
"Niagara Falls, the second
great disappointment
of American married life."
Snarky gay humor,
before it was a thing.
I wasn't even thinking about
crossing or the border
or problems or anything.
I was just dreamily trying
to come up with new material.
Pretty naive, I guess.
- Passport.
- Oh, right.
Where are you headed today?
Um, Rochester.
Purpose of your visit?
I'm a comic.
I'm doing a comedy club tonight.
So you're working.
Well, technically.
I mean, if they laugh.
What kind of comedy?
Satire--political mostly.
Political.
You know you need a visa
to work here, right?
Yeah, I've toured in
the States, it's there.
Oh, I can see it.
It expired last week.
Pull over to secondary
processing, okay.
Go to the front desk, and
I'll give them your passport.
Take off your hat.
The hat.
So, you do political comedy.
Yeah, and stuff about my cat,
that sort of thing.
Your cat, but mostly political.
Friend of yours?
Uh, that would be Nicole Richie.
What do you think of
our president?
I'm not known for my
restraint, but here, I tried.
The line in my routine was that
I despise Donald Trump
more than anyone on Earth.
Except possibly Melania, or
Melanoma, as Don calls her.
I figured I'd better
not use that here.
I think he's very good.
Very forceful.
Come on, Jordan, don't
bullshit me here.
Here's what you think...
Funny.
Huh, don't like Christians?
Where'd you get this from?
I think Ukraine.
Ukraine?
What were you doing there?
A comedy festival.
"How to Talk Dirty
and Influence People."
Is that what you do, Jordan?
It's Lenny Bruce's
autobiography.
Who's Lenny Bruce?
- He's a stand-up comic.
- Yeah, I really don't care.
Oh, here's you.
Then
he changed his tune
when he wanted to bomb
those Venezuelan speedboats.
Now, he says 300 million
Americans have died
of overdoses.
So, 40 million left,
we got a chance.
It's really funny.
Nothing Stephen Colbert
doesn't say every night.
Stephen Colbert is an American.
An asshole, but an American one.
And he's toast.
It was just a joke.
Yeah, not anymore, it isn't.
Got a Palestinian flag here.
You a big fan of Hamas?
No.
Are you anti-Semitic,
you anti-Jewish?
No, Christ, no.
I'm in the comedy business.
Most of the time, I'm the
only goy in the building,
"The only goy."
What about that shirt, is
that a political statement.
No, no, it's just a shirt.
Yeah, that's also bullshit.
Told you not to lie, Jordan.
Well, I think we've seen enough.
Come on, down here.
Welcome here, this is your room.
Come on in.
Enjoy the stay.
I couldn't believe it.
One minute, I was just another
schmuck toiling in the
tough vineyards of
stand-up comedy.
- The next?
- Have a nice evening.
I was a handcuffed
ward of Uncle Sam.
If laughter is the
best medicine,
why does it feel
like I overdosed?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
ICE.
I-C-E.
I'll just see myself out.
Stupid joke.
Needs a new punchline.
Niagara-Buffalo
didn't know what to do with me.
So they did what they do
to all migrant arrestees.
Shipped me off to one of
the ICE detention centers.
For lucky me, they picked the
LaSalle Detention Facility,
miles from anywhere in
the wilds of Louisiana.
It's formally called the Central
Louisiana ICE Processing Center.
Informally, CLIPC.
It has quite a reputation.
It's privately run, so someone
makes a lot of money out of it,
now that it's jammed
with migrants.
The ACLU reported widespread
physical and sexual abuse.
Back when America was semi-sane,
the Department of Justice
even sued the prison operators
for beating, tear-gassing,
and pepper-spraying the inmates.
I wasn't looking forward to it.
All right, you monkeys,
all three of you,
coming in here with
black marks on your record.
Believe you think
you're a wise guy.
No.
No, what?
No, sir?
That's right, you watch
your manners.
Agent McQuarry
thinks I'm a softie.
He is not.
You'd be Aziz Karimi.
Yes, sir.
And you'd be Kasper Johannson,
I assume.
Yo-hannson--
sir.
Says here you resisted arrest
when ICE picked you up.
They were pulling me out of
my car in front of my kids.
They were wearing masks.
I didn't know who they were.
Yeah, and I don't give a shit.
We got three levels in here.
Most people come in,
they get a yellow suit.
They cause trouble, we
shift them into orange.
You monkeys already
caused trouble.
We got a brand-new set
of these just for you.
You're starting in orange.
You make more trouble?
We put you into one of these...
and we move you to the red unit,
or in solitary.
Or both.
Now, strip them clothes off.
Like, everything?
Yes, everything, asshole.
And hurry up, or y'all
gonna miss dinner.
Wow.
Dinner and a strip show.
You guys really know how
to roll out the carpet.
McQuarry.
He said hurry up.
All right.
Raise your hands
above your heads.
Turn around.
Lean over.
Spread your legs.
Spread your cheeks.
And cough.
Let's go, let's go.
Today, ladies.
Thank you.
Once they determined
we hadn't hidden our dignity
up our ass, they admitted
us to our unit.
As we were told, we were
on the orange team,
the mid-level troublemakers.
Not the best, not the worst.
What's with this?
These are your sheets,
la couverture.
I thought you
didn't speak English.
I don't always want to
speak English.
Okay.
So, this is it?
No pillow, no blanket, no
toothpaste, no Pornhub?
Ah, made in China, very nice.
Mm, fine Egyptian cotton.
500 thread count, I'm sure.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey, man, what's wrong?
Hey, hey.
Sorry, man.
I have epilepsy.
That was just a mild one.
How did you get that?
A dog attacked me in Miami
when I was five.
I think that caused it.
Jesus.
Isn't there anything
you could take for it?
Yeah, there is, Zonegran.
But they don't want
to get it for me.
Baptiste wasn't the
only one with a wild backstory.
So, you Danish?
Yeah.
From Copenhagen.
No, it's Frederikssund.
It's a little town in the north.
Danish, like Hamlet.
And the pastry.
I suppose.
So, what's your story?
My wife was a backpacker.
We met in Spain.
We worked at the same bar.
One thing led to another
and we got married.
We moved to her hometown,
Zanesville, Ohio.
It's a little bit bigger than
Frederikssund, but not much.
Yeah, yeah.
What'd you do there?
I'm a welder.
Started a welding company.
Did okay.
Me and my wife had two girls.
They are now four and six.
And you have your green card?
Yeah, and there is a form
you can use to extend it.
It's called I-751.
And there's something
called biometric fee.
What's that?
I don't know these things.
Fingerprints,
that sort of thing.
Did you get it?
No, the offices are very
difficult to get through
with all the cutbacks.
These days it can take up
to four years to get it.
It's crazy.
And what happened?
My wife was pregnant again.
This time, there were
a lot of problems.
We had to go to a
hospital in Columbus.
There were issues
with insurance.
They wouldn't pay for it.
Eventually, the baby died.
- Jesus.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, man.
Then what?
Well, with all that, the I-751
just slipped through the cracks.
I guess I should have
realized how important it was.
One day, I was driving the girls
to school, like always,
and we were swarmed there
by five men in masks.
They dragged me from the car,
arrested me,
and three days later,
they shipped me here,
where I met you.
The nights were bad.
No pillow and lights left on
24 hours a day and snoring
made it pretty
impossible to sleep.
Only good thing was the
guards left us alone.
Seems they spent most of their
time watching Fox News on TV.
We got
a lot of work to do.
You know, when they let--I
think the real number is
15, 16 million people
into our country.
When they do that, we
got a lot of work to do.
They're poisoning the
blood of our country.
That's what they've done.
They poison mental institutions
and prisons all over the world.
Not just in South America, not
just the three or four countries
that we think about,
but all over the world.
They're coming into our country
from Africa, from Asia,
all over the world.
They're pouring into
our country.
Nobody's even looking at them.
They just come in.
The crime is going to be
tremendous.
The terrorism is going to be--
terrorism is going to be.
And we built a tremendous
piece of the wall
and then we're going to
build more.
And the election was rigged
and we didn't do it,
but I figured they'd
just throw it up.
Would have taken three weeks,
it was all built.
It was all ready to
be just hoisted up.
The exact wall that the Border
Patrol, who are incredible,
Brandon, Judd and all of the
people at Border Patrol,
that's exactly
what they designed.
They had the anti-climb bars,
they had everything.
And you know what they did?
They didn't want it to go up.
They sold it for 5 cents
on the dollar.
Can you believe it,
all of that stuff.
It's a very sad thing.
That's how
I got my news.
Of course, I really
got it from the guys
that Cheeto Benito slagged
as murderers and rapists
who were with me in the joint.
I thought Kasper's tale was bad,
but the others were even worse.
Man, this shit is awful.
Never gonna bitch about
the lasagna they serve us
backstage at the
comedy clubs again.
You know, they had some cases
of stew a few weeks ago
that was marked to be
shipped in Desert Storm.
They had to scrub the mold
off it before serving it.
Hey, you were in Desert
Storm, weren't you?
No, no, no, no.
I was only two
during Desert Storm.
I worked for America during
the invasion of 2003.
What did you do?
I was like an interpreter,
a guide, fixer.
Really?
Were you out there in
the field with them?
Oh yeah.
He was out there
getting shot at.
Only difference was they didn't
give him a helmet or a gun
or a flak jacket.
Is that right?
Oh yeah.
He had to jump out of the way
using his magical powers,
just like the Trumpster did
when he got shot at.
Kasper was one of
those crazy Europeans
that could speak about
five languages.
He became our cell block
translator.
Well, the Taliban
obviously hated our guts,
so the American army
got us out with them.
They got us the paperwork
and helped us settle here.
Where did you go?
Michigan.
Favorite place for us "Ay-rabs,"
for some reason.
Probably because it's the
closest place to sanity land,
you know, in case they
decide you're all terrorists.
It seems they already did.
Kristi Noem, head of Homeland?
She just made an announcement.
Said we don't need what they
call Temporary Protected Status
anymore, TPS.
We should all just deport
ourselves back to Afghanistan.
Did you consider it?
God, man, the Taliban
would bust me
the moment I got off the plane.
Probably kill me.
At the very least, jail me,
and their jails?
Worse than this one.
Marginally.
Plus, I--
have a wife and kid
up in Dearborn.
What happened?
Well, there's a lot
of ICE up there.
One night they came by.
My kid was in the bath,
so I wouldn't let them in.
They broke the door,
charged in, took me away.
There was a lot of screaming.
One of them had been in Kabul
with the Marines
when I was working for them.
He knew my story.
Apologized, but said there
was nothing he could do.
- Hey, you still awake?
- Oh, yeah.
How does anyone get
any sleep in here
with the lights on all the time?
It's not easy.
No.
So, you're from Haiti?
Just arrived?
No, I came here with my
mother when I was five.
We were boat people.
Little after was when this guy
let his pit bull attack me.
Right, right,
caused the epilepsy.
Yeah.
So, you're illegal here.
Oh, no, no.
We got refugee status.
I have a green card.
It's locked up in the
office over there.
Well, at least I hope
it's still there.
You get busted for something?
Nah.
I mean, I get that a lot,
though.
People just assume that
if you're Haitian,
you must be a gang-banger
or something.
So?
I'm a student.
Or I guess I was a student.
Went to Florida University.
Studied nursing.
My girlfriend is Palestinian,
and one day she convinced me
to come to this big protest
at the college
over the war in Gaza.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
I showed up next week on
campus and we both got busted.
They revoked my green card
and revoked her student visa.
Wow.
Where is she now?
Don't know.
I tried to call her once,
but didn't get any answers.
They probably took her
phone or something.
She must be in one of these
facilities somewhere,
woman's detention center.
Jesus Murphy.
Three months ago, I was so
desperate to get out of here
that I asked to self-deport and
they said, nah, impossible,
not until I appear
before a judge.
And that hasn't happened yet.
Damn, man, that's heavy.
Yeah.
Any luck getting your drugs?
It's dangerous being
here without them.
Real dangerous.
Anyways, you're
from Canada, right?
True North,
strong and free.
I heard there's a lot
of Haitians there.
I never been.
How's Canada like?
Well, health care is free,
guns are rare.
And our fascists are polite
enough to lose elections.
It's kind of like a nice
second-floor apartment
that's really beautiful, except
below on the main floor
is a crack house run by
the Hell's Angels.
That's a good one.
To be honest, it's not mine.
It's a Robin Williams line.
Greatest comic ever.
I thought you said
George Carlin was?
Probably.
And Steven Wright
and Jimmy Kimmel.
Well, you're the best one
locked up in CLIPC.
Thanks.
It's an honor I never expected.
But I'll take it.
You should do some
for the guys here.
Lift their spirits up.
Really, in here, you think so?
Yeah, absolutely,
you're a comedian.
You're supposed to
brighten up people's lives.
Even in here.
Especially in here.
Yeah, well, I have to
get my spirits up first.
That was the last
conversation I had
with Baptiste--or that
anyone had with him.
The craziest thing
happened later that night.
Shit, Baptiste, Baptiste!
Hey, hey, cool it,
brother, Baptiste.
Baptiste!
Guards, guards, emergency.
Hurry up!
Baptiste, Baptiste!
Come on, get back in
your bunks, guys,
give these guys some space.
Where the hell were you guys,
it's been like a half an hour.
All right,
what's his name?
- Baptiste.
- I don't know.
Baptiste!
Hey, Baptiste, can you hear me?
Hey, Baptiste, wake up.
What's going on?
Okay, we're gonna
lift on one, two, three.
One, two, three.
- Is he?
- Yeah, he's a goner, okay?
Now get back in your bunks,
guys, okay?
Wow, that one
knocked me out pretty badly.
Knocked all of us out.
Except for the warden.
Didn't seem to bother him.
He just kept watching TV.
All these criminal
migrants that have been flooded
in the country are gonna be the
first to get thrown out of here.
I mean, you've seen
case after case,
these heartbreaking tragedies.
Those ones are gonna get
found and deported first.
And look at this
Venezuelan gang.
You have a Venezuelan gang
that is taking over entire
apartment buildings
in Aurora, Colorado.
And that's responsible,
by the way, for some of
the most heinous crimes
that have happened
all over the United States.
I was mightily
bummed out by this event,
but I finally decided
I'd try to get over it
by honoring
Baptiste's suggestion.
Okay, here we go, guys.
Baptiste wanted me to try
to give you a few laughs.
This was his idea.
This is for our late friend,
Baptiste Hippolyte.
Eh Baptiste.
Killed by the ICE
detention system.
All right, all right, all right.
I don't think I've ever said
this to an audience before,
but maybe we should
keep it down, guys.
No, no, we'll be fine.
Do you know what you need?
A microphone.
Test, test, one, two, three.
This is my first time performing
at the Central Louisiana
Immigration Processing Center.
Can't say I'm happy to be here,
but I am happy to be performing
in front of all of you fine
rapists and reprobates.
You missed gentlemen.
Yeah, Johnny Cash
got Folsom Prison?
I get LIPC.
Don't think they made him
spend the night, though.
No, sir.
So, how did I get here?
I crossed the border with
an iPhone and an accent.
US Customs looked at me like
I was smuggling in socialism.
I told the border guard
I'm a comic.
He said, "What kind of jokes?"
I said, "Mostly about Trump."
So he said, "Terrorist."
At the border, they started
searching my car
for ideological material.
I said, "Sir, I'm Canadian.
My ideology is politeness,
lovemaking, and maple syrup."
Two of which will leave you
feeling sticky.
That was a good one.
I got really worried
when they started
looking through my things.
They found a tube of
toothpaste with fluoride.
That shit is not
allowed anymore.
Oh, no, Robert Kennedy
put an end to that.
Wants our teeth to rot.
I don't know, more
income for the dentists.
This guy.
So, you all are
immigrants, are you?
Oh, yeah.
The Trumpster hates immigrants.
Crazy thing is, his mother was
an immigrant from Scotland
and his grandfather an
immigrant from Germany.
And two of his wives
were immigrants.
I don't know, further proof
immigrants will do work
that Americans won't touch.
Nobody else wants that job.
How crazy are things?
The guy cleaning the floors
gets deported,
and the guy who
storms the Capitol
gets a pardon and
a podcast deal.
- Only in America.
- Only in America.
So how do I like this place?
Well, when I got here,
they fingerprinted me,
photographed me, and gave
me this nice name tag.
It was like I was joining
a really nice club.
Except the only item
on the menu is despair.
Tell it, brother.
They said it's not jail.
It's "administrative custody."
And the food here is
"culinary confinement."
Yeah, the meals here are
amazing, aren't they?
Yeah, lovely.
They've scientifically
managed to make
the rice taste like paperwork.
More like cardboard.
Maybe.
They keep calling this place
a "processing center."
I don't feel processed.
I feel microwaved.
Like a day-old burrito
nobody asked for.
Oh, yeah.
I asked to make a phone call.
They said, "No phone calls
out of the country.
People can visit you
one visit per week."
So I said, "Well, how are they
even gonna know where I am?"
New rules, as Bill Maher says,
most of them written
by Stephen Miller.
Scary.
Makes Joseph Goebbels seem sane.
Stevie's idea of diversity
is hiring white people
from different
gated communities.
Right on, brother.
He told Black & Decker
to change their name to
White & Decker, or he's gonna
get the IRS to audit them.
I was asking you
about Caracas
and the numbers in Caracas.
Are you trusting the
numbers of the dictatorship?
I am trusting the fact
that Kamala Harris
is letting illegal immigrants
into this country
who are raping and
murdering children.
I have been very
respectful, why are you--
Do you know who
Jocelyn Nungaray is?
Do you know who she is?
Do you know how many
people is experiencing violence
in Caracas?
Who is she--who is
Laken Riley?
Why are you
yelling again?
Because--I'm yelling
because children are being
raped and murdered.
I was just
asking for figures,
and you have not replied
to me about those figures.
Do you know who
Kayla Hamilton is?
Do you trust the
numbers of Nicolas Maduro?
I trust a ruthless
dictator will empty his prisons
and send their criminals
to our country.
You trust his numbers?
The most dangerous
gang in Venezuela is--
Do you trust
Nicolas Maduro?
I trust that he does
not want his criminals to be--
So you're
believing his numbers?
I believe he's sending
his criminals to our country.
What the hell is that?
You go check that out.
Mr. Poopy Pants didn't really
want to become president.
He just wanted a new reality
show, and he got one,
"The Trump Show."
Way better than
"The Apprentice."
I mean, he used to only
get to fire D-listers
like Meatloaf and Gary Busey.
Now he gets to fire the
president of Ukraine
and South Africa.
And Greenland.
Right, and Greenland.
Hey, the kibitzers in the
comedy clubs used to
hide in the darkness, but here?
I used to complain
about the lighting
at some of the joints
I played in.
But how do you like the
lighting in this place?
It's amazing how fast hope can
dry out under these things.
It's like a UV lamp
for your soul.
Hey, could be worse.
We could all be in Trumpy's
new prison out in the
Florida Everglades that he
calls Alligator Alcatraz.
The Republicans love that one.
First of all, there's a sort of
medieval cruelty about it
that appeals to them, but mostly
it's just the alliteration.
As a stand-up comic,
I learned long ago
the dumbest, cheapest jokes?
Alliteration.
Alligator Alcatraz.
That's a good one.
Bro, you should be
on Comedy Central.
Fat chance of that.
But hey, no one forced us to
come to the "Untied" States.
It's just everyone calls it
the land of freedom.
I didn't realize that freedom
comes with a locked cage,
steel beds--
And an officer named--
Steve.
Hello, Steve.
What the shit is going on here?
Oh, just giving the boys a
little evening comedy show.
Comedy?
What do you think this is,
Showtime?
Cut it out.
Shut it down.
Any more of this bullshit--
and you're going red.
That was the end of
my in-prison comedy career
for a while.
Going red didn't sound
like a good thing to do.
But my captive audience
kept bugging me for more.
And comedy's a drug, and
stand-ups are addicted.
I certainly can't stop myself.
So two weeks later,
I was back at it.
I mean, the stuff that comes out
of the hippo-POTUS's nugget hole
is just amazing.
There's only two modes
with this guy:
"I know more than anyone
about this,"
and "I just found out
about this."
I mean, he's a regular
Ferdinand Magellan.
You know that he just
discovered something this year?
He recently learned that cars
have "computer" in them.
Yeah, and he discovered
something else new
that he calls "drone."
And he learned some new
words, beautiful words.
Groceries, gross-eries.
Add another, tariffs,
the most beautiful word
in the English language,
as he calls it.
Tariffs.
Come on, say it with me,
reprobates.
Tariffs.
And you know he's trying to
shut down all the universities?
Yeah.
Apparently Barron
couldn't get into Harvard,
so Harvard is now number one
on the hit list.
But we should all take it
easy on the guy.
He's been going through
a rough time lately.
I mean, you guys all heard
how he lost his best man,
his bromancer-in-chief.
Yeah.
Elon Musk found out that being
the Prez's hatchet man
didn't work out so well for him.
One day he lost $16 billion,
which is almost as much
as the company that runs this
joint makes out of all of us.
You got it, brother.
You guys should be very proud.
You're an important part
of a big business.
Guard here told me that
CoreCivic now has
60 jails going
across the country.
That's $1.7 billion in
revenue just last year.
Funny thing is, a few years ago,
Trump was worried about
being arrested himself.
This year, he's in charge
of funding
the private prison systems
with new blood.
God.
But back to Elon.
Mr. Congeniality is a funny guy.
You know that he claims
to have invented Tesla?
Which he didn't.
And space travel to Mars,
which he hasn't done.
And now, wait for it...
Comedy.
Yeah, Elon Musk invented comedy,
like Stephen Miller
invented empathy.
And like I invented a good way
to enter the United States.
The Trump
administration is escalating
immigration enforcement,
now targeting migrants
at their hearings.
In some cases, agents pushed
past children to make arrests.
Reports say the president is
dissatisfied with the
current number of daily arrests.
In footage captured today, a
female migrant is seen detained
by masked agents, shouting,
"Ayudame," meaning, "Help me."
Oh, yeah, we'll help you.
She appears to resist
as she's pulled away
from her children and
taken onto a bus.
But the Trumpster is pretty
tame compared to
some of his henchmen.
Stephen Miller, for instance.
Stevie looks like the kid
in school who would
remind the teacher to
hand out homework.
I mean, he was probably
in charge,
doling out detention slips
as well.
Oh, yeah.
People call him a racist.
He's not.
He just feels that the Statue of
Liberty should be holding up
a Keep Out sign.
Stephen's creepy, but
at least his policies
probably won't kill you.
Mr. Kennedy, on the other hand.
RFK Jr. is like if a TED talk
got hit in the head with a brick
and then went into politics.
He's refreshing.
Finally, someone who combines
the scientific rigor
of the dark web
with the charm of a juice
cleanse cult leader.
Hey, come on, we can't
blame him.
He's got a worm in his brain
and a dead bear roadkill
in the back of his SUV.
He talks like this, sort of
like Count Dracula.
Probably because of all the
ivermectin that he injected
during the pandemic
to fight COVID.
What the hell
is going on here?
You back at it again,
troublemaker?
I thought I told you
to put a sock in it.
All right, that's it.
You're out of here--
you're going red.
Like they promised,
I got put on the red team.
Then as a signing bonus,
they threw me in
solitary confinement.
Just me, myself, and I in here.
It's designed to drive
you crazy,
and I bet a lot of people
can't handle it.
Me?
I've had a bit of
practice with it.
I once did a gig in Regina,
totally empty house.
two strippers on their phones,
and a bartender washing glasses.
I just kept working on
new material.
Like I said, it's a drug
and I'm addicted.
Why couldn't I just do
mother-in-law
and vasectomy jokes?
Why couldn't I just
find a new occupation?
Why do mountain climbers
keep climbing mountains
when they're 75?
You do what you do.
I only had cockroaches
for an audience.
Hey, drunk hecklers are worse.
So I just kept coming up
with new bits.
The Trumpster wants all the jobs
to come back to 'Murica.
Which means all the people
in Vietnam and Mexico
who do those jobs
will be out of work.
But American companies will
never pay American workers
what they want.
So instead, all those jobs
will be done by robots.
Hey, I'm talking to you.
And where will all those
American robots be made?
Probably in China.
Hilarity ensues.
Wild applause.
I started having
nightmares,
starring my cockroach friend
taking on the voice
of my good friend in Washington.
I don't
like you either
and probably never will.
I had this dream that
all the big-time Canadian comics
would band together
to get me out.
You know, like Howie Mandel
and Marty Short,
Mike Myers and Dave Thomas
and Jim Carrey.
Rick Moranis and Gene Levy.
And the ghosts of John Candy
and Mack Sennett.
They'd all fly down on Dan
Aykroyd's private flying saucer
and get me released.
But it never happened.
Instead, the most unexpected
thing occurred.
Well, you're
outta here, Peters.
Rules won't let me keep
you in solitary forever.
And you're trouble on the range.
So you're gone.
Back to Canada?
No, no, you haven't
done your time yet.
Down to El Salvador.
El Salvador?
Beats South Sudan.
I want to call
the consulate.
Consulate
Sorry, don't
have the number.
Jesus Christ.
Man, what a scary scene.
Somehow I arrived along
with a big new contingent
of El Salvadorian prisoners.
We used to call it comedy jail
when we bombed
and couldn't get a gig at
Yuk Yuk's or on CBC Radio.
Forget that--this was
real jail.
40,000 prisoners surrounded
by electrified barbed wire.
Biggest jail in the Americas.
Rapido.
Rapido por aqui.
The guards were wicked,
but the gang members
were just as freaky.
Covered in tattoos;
didn't speak any English.
I was lost, man.
I didn't know
much Spanish,
but I knew what gringo meant.
And when I heard it,
I started worrying they were
talking about me.
And you know that showbiz
expression about
how any publicity
is good publicity?
It's not really true
in the CECOT prison.
Oye, gringo.
What's your name?
Where you from?
It's Jordan, I'm Canadian.
Got busted at the border, US.
What for?
Um, comedy.
Comedy?
You're a comedian?
Yeah, political comedian.
- Like Zelensky.
- I suppose.
Except, you know, he's free
and I'm locked up.
Prove it.
Say something funny.
Um...
Okay.
How about that President
Bukele of El Salvador?
Calls himself the
world's coolest dictator.
I didn't even know
that was a thing.
Isn't that like bragging
about how big a jerk you are?
Who's he trying to be?
Bolsonaro, Berlusconi.
Hey, give me another
B for bictator.
Better be careful with that.
I can't help myself.
Your guy's trying
to imitate Trump.
I think both of them ran
Miss Universe pageants
to promote their campaigns.
Only difference was,
as far as I know,
your guy didn't go back
into the dressing rooms
to check out bare boobs.
Dangerous.
Funny, though.
Thanks.
If I keep you laughing,
will you teach me Spanish?
I remember that.
"Sure thing."
So that's
how it started.
I found a bit of a protector,
and he taught me Spanish.
That's how I spent my
first month at CECOT.
I was a pretty fast learner.
If you can memorize
40 minutes of stand-up,
you can learn a few
words of Spanish.
No, no, not "D-S meal."
Diez mil, or you sound
like a Colombian fag.
Diez mil.
How do you say, "Get
out of the way, motherfucker"?
Quitate del camino, cabron.
Quitate del camino, cabron.
Be careful who you
say that to, though.
After a few weeks,
I even had the nerve
to get back to my old racket.
I wondered if my shtick
would work down here.
But then I discovered
comedy is universal.
Like diarrhea.
My stupid little jokes
lightened things up a bit,
I suppose.
But the place was
still horrible.
You could hear the sound
of guys being tortured.
I desperately wanted
to get out of there.
I sure wasn't going to
climb over the walls
or dig a tunnel under them.
Finally, I decided I'd try to
use the only weapon I had--
comedy.
It worked last time,
pissed them off enough.
I figured maybe it
might work again.
Be the class clown, get
a detention, a big one.
It was risky, but
what else could I do?
One night,
without any warning,
I was just pulled out
of my cell block.
They zip-tied my hands and
stuck a hood on my face
and stuck me in a van.
And then we just started
driving for hours.
Sounded like we were
going uphill.
I don't know if it was
volcanoes or what.
I could sort of hear
the guards arguing
about the directions.
Didn't sound like they
really knew the route.
After a couple hours,
they finally found the spot
where they wanted to go.
Ah, Christ!
Whoa.
Margaret Atwood?
Toronto, yeah.
So you speak English?
Yes, natch.
How come?
I lived in Austin
for five years.
So you trust that I'm not
an axe murderer now?
If so, not a very good one.
Then do you trust me enough
to cut the zip tie off?
Should I?
What's the worst
that could happen?
Give me your arms.
Don't be a baby.
You play guitar.
- Mm-hm.
- Me too.
- And you're an artist?
- Very good, Sherlock.
Yes, I'm a painter.
Professional?
It's not easy to sell anything
out here in the wilderness.
Where are we?
Middle of nowhere.
Favorite dumping ground
for the government
to get rid of people
they don't want around.
That's why I'm here.
How so?
I lived in the States
for five years.
And in his first term, they did
a roundup and deported me.
I was a little bit political,
so Bukele's boys
plunked me out here.
Can I ask who that is?
You can ask, but--
Maybe later.
Okay.
So what are we going
to do with you?
I don't know.
You can crash on
my hammock tonight.
Okay, thanks.
- Gracias.
- I'll bring you a mosquito net.
After the craziness
of the last few days,
you can bet I had some
really nutty dreams
the next morning.
I won't bore you with them,
and I certainly won't
try to analyze them.
But they were definitely
worth sleeping in for.
Marta?
When she returned,
she opened with what
I soon learned
was her standard
sarcastic style.
I see Sleeping Beauty is awake
and served himself a coffee.
Where were you?
Oh, I have to report out to
my deadbeat hammock crasher?
No, no.
In case you wanted a second
cup, I went to go get water.
There's a tap right there.
It doesn't work.
Climate change.
Well ran dry.
Climate change.
Haven't you heard?
It's a Chinese hoax.
Fake news.
My neighbor gave me two pupusas.
Do you want one for breakfast?
- Gracias.
- De nada.
So you seem very curious about
that picture of my daughter.
She's your daughter?
Like I said.
Is she at school today?
Probably not.
Don't know.
Why not?
She's somewhere in the States.
I was working at a Home Depot.
They raided.
They caught me.
And they shipped me back here.
She was in school.
They probably put her in
one of those kids' prisons.
Oh my God.
You can't get her back?
I tried.
I went back to look for her.
I crossed, I searched.
But they caught me again.
Kicked me out again.
They said that if they
saw me back there,
they would jail me, four years.
And nobody else has been
able to help?
Tried, but people that might
help have their own problems.
Yeah.
World's like that.
Um.
I brought you these.
I figured you want to get out
of that jail outfit.
Thank you.
People might think you escaped.
I'm not so sure myself.
Wait a minute.
- I can't wear this.
- Why not?
Niagara Falls?
That's where I got busted.
So, I think you have an
expression in English
about beggars not being
able to be choosers.
Where did this come from?
Some used clothes aid or--
maybe a tourist left it?
All right, I'll wear it
with pride.
Muchas gracias.
Who was this
lippy broad I'd found?
I was definitely intrigued.
She seemed generous.
Her paintings were cool.
Her village was something.
After the pupusas
and the new duds,
she told me she wanted to work
and kicked me out to explore it.
I can't believe my
cutthroat comedy plan worked,
and now I was free.
At least, I think I was free.
I was still figuring things out.
When I got back at sunset,
she made me dinner.
Mmm.
This is incredible.
No, it's not, it's just
rice and beans.
Compared to what
I've been eating
for the last three months?
It's incredible.
You've been in jail
for three months?
Something like that.
Maybe more.
You lose count.
All for pictures of Trump
on your phone?
Mine weren't as good as yours.
I love you--you, your--
your paintings.
Gracias.
Portrait of you.
I see that, very becoming.
I really love the way
you captured my--
eyes.
Yes, I worked very hard at that.
I'll bet.
It's flattering.
So the jokes got you
out of prison?
I think so maybe.
Comedy is warfare.
It seems.
Are you going to move back
now to be a big-time comedian?
Small time.
Biggest I've met.
When I was walking around
today,
I started thinking.
I kind of like it here.
I don't think I want to leave.
I suppose I can try to
get to the capital.
They said if they ever saw me
back there or at the airport
or at the border, they'd
throw me back into CECOT.
Scary place.
Didn't break me.
Just gave me new material.
Nothing improves your act like
performing for 20 gang members
who've all committed murder.
Impressive you survived.
Mmm.
Maybe they just didn't think
you were worth stabbing.
What if I did get to the embassy
and they were willing
to fly me home?
How would they do that?
I mean, the only way is by
flying over Yankee land.
What if the plane had a problem,
had to make an
emergency landing?
Now you're just being paranoid.
As far as 'Murica is concerned,
they'd consider me
an escaped felon.
I'd be back in one of
their jails.
It's much nicer here.
Well, well, well.
So you think you want to move
from the big city of "Trawna"
to the pipsqueak village
of Sisimitepec?
Why not?
You do realize that the only
reason that we've been
exiled here is because the
government hopes that
the volcano will blow
and wipe us all out.
I opened up for Louis CK in the
height of all the craziness.
I can handle the heat.
Not the same thing,
but okay.
No one's going to
miss you up there?
Just my cat, Dawg.
I hope someone's
looking after him.
Well, it really is amazing
that you've made
such a monumental
decision to stay here.
I hope you like the hammock.
Man, I was really
falling for this girl,
and for this life.
It seemed so idyllic after
the past three months--
even maybe after the
past eight years.
I dug life on the road
as a quipster for hire,
but I wasn't really missing it.
This place was so different, the
sights, the smells, the sounds.
But then I started hearing a
sound I had never heard before.
What the hell was it?
Was it gunfire?
Was it bombs?
I thought maybe just a
backfiring car or fireworks.
I thought they
would stop, but no.
If anything, they were
getting louder.
Marta.
Finally, I thought I
better do something about it.
Those noises, did you hear them?
It sounds like maybe
gunfire or bombs.
- Did you hear it?
- Si.
You think that's gunshots?
No.
No, my dear, those are
the noises of Izalco.
Izalco?
Our local volcano.
El Faro del Pacifico,
they used to call it.
The Lighthouse of the Pacific.
Are we okay?
Is it gonna blow its top?
It hasn't so far, bambino.
We live with it.
Just like the Trumpy senator
said, we'll all die one day.
Okay.
Sorry to be paranoid.
You've been through
a rough road.
Busted, ICE, CECOT.
Now a volcano.
Wow.
That's not wow.
But maybe this is.
But it's a little noisy
out here,
and after what you've
been through,
maybe you deserve a treat.
Come in?
That was an amazing night.
Totally amazing.
Well, you know what they
say about Latin lovers.
It's all true.
Actually, Canadian ones
aren't so bad either.
But unfortunately, good screwing
doesn't pay for food.
No.
So now that you've decided
to stay here
and not return to the land
of ice and snow,
what exactly are you going
to do down here?
That, I don't know.
If we lived closer to the ocean,
maybe become a
surfing beach bum?
No, that is not gonna cut it.
Why not, you're a surfer.
More of a surfing painter
than a surfer nowadays.
Okay, but I can take you
surfing, surfing's great.
Better than sex, some say.
But I wouldn't go that far.
It is, though, asombroso.
So--?
Surfing is a sport,
not a lifestyle.
It doesn't bring food
to the table
or keep the wolf from the door.
Then I don't know.
I don't think there's a
Yuk Yuk's in this town.
- I have an idea.
- Okay.
I teach art at a little school.
And our English teacher left.
Ran for El Norte and no one
has seen him or heard from him.
Do you think you could do that?
Senor Pedro.
Okay.
Until someone decided
for no good reason
it needed a new name.
Teach them some English.
Si.
"Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
Estrellita brilla.
Gracias, but that doesn't scan.
So I'm gonna do it
this way instead.
Twinkle, twinkle,
little star.
Twinkle, twinkle,
little star.
Thank you, thank you very much.
You've been a great audience.
Stick around,
try the veal cutlets.
Don't forget to tip
your servers.
I'll be here all week.
Good night, El Salvador.
Beneath the shining star
The whispers grow
Can you feel the darkness?
Creeping slow, oh
Villains rise in suits
With greed in their eyes
Trading hope for change
While they wear
their disguise
Life's a game of power
Or so they think
Building prisons to hold us
On every new day
They laugh at the way
If we break their rules
In a world painted gray
They act like cruel fools
Oh, the shadows are calling
Can you see them now?
Echoes of heartbeats,
lost underground
They want to rape,
tear down our dreams
With their speeches and
violence and their wicked memes
Oh, the world's
getting darker
Can't you see?
The world's full of villains
And they're
laughin' scot-free
But we are the light
We're gonna
shine on the night
Finding strength in numbers
We won't lose the fight
Take back the whispers
That rise from the ground
In the ruins of cruelty
Hope can still be found
We'll break these chains
Reclaim our name
Let's turn their
dark corridors
Into brighter lanes
So stand with your brother
Hold tight to your sister
Against the tides of grief
We'll make them reconsider
No more empty promises
No more lies
Together we'll shine
Like stars in the sky
With voices united
We'll sing our refrain
Every note a rebellion
Breaking through the chains
This world may be darker
But we'll find our way
Turning shadows to light
That's where we'll stay
So let's rise together
Under the moon of gold
In the darkness we'll find
That our spirit will grow
Oh, the villains may gather
But there's strength
in our song
In the light of tomorrow
We'll be where we belong
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Sir, sir,
Mr. President,
have you heard about the movie
"Borderline Funny"?
Bigly unfunny, fake news,
radical propaganda.
We're gonna tariff that movie
1,000%, 3,000%.