Born Guilty (2017) Movie Script

Yo, come on, step up.
- You're opening the gate
for me like a gentleman.
You want me to walk
through and thank you
so you can impress her.
It's okay. I'm not impaired
and you're probably
not a gentleman
so just
- Yo, you got a
problem or somethin'?
- With a con artist like you?
What are you, 22?
It's 3:00, you should be
in college or working.
Obviously neither.
Probably don't use
protection, do you?
You'll knock her up,
provide zero child support,
financially or emotionally.
You're just with her
to get your rocks off
using her vagina for
your prick's pleasure
(LAUGHS) while she
fakes an orgasm
just so you'll stick around.
Meanwhile, you're too timid to
ask that he orally please you
because having your needs met
is not a consideration, right?
- Yo, you better shut your
mouth and keep it moving.
Cause real talk, you
don't know me and
- You're gonna assault me, huh?
That's the way to
end an argument?
- Lady, lady, lady.
First of all, hold up, you
don't even know him, okay?
Luther has a job.
He works nights, that's why
we're out here right now.
Matter of fact, he works at
the Fullway up the block.
He's a security guard,
so he's a good dude.
- And I know how
to use my tongue
like a goddamn electric eel.
- Oh.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I say things that
I really shouldn't and
- Bounce.
- Just because he's
a security guard,
doesn't mean that he's
an appropriate companion.
I mean, half the security
guards in New York
have a criminal record.
Have you told her
about your past?
- Luther?
- Yo, this bitch is
fucking crazy, man!
- What do you mean she's crazy?
- Why are we even standing
here talking about
- It's evident!
He's no match for you.
You probably have a
high school degree
and you're going to
community college.
Nursing is your goal, right?
- How did you know that?
- Because 25 years of
being a social worker,
I see patterns.
And I know you can do better.
You have a tight window
that's open right now
where you can actually
find a really great guy.
Find somebody that has
similar goals that you do,
not some guy who's gonna
spray his sperm around town
and leave you with a baby
and a big bag of bye bye
and that window will slam shut
and all that will be left
are perverts and man-boys
and disappointments that
will make this good dude
who's trying to fuck you in
public look like a priest.
- Hey, yo, bitch, I'm bout to
slap all the shit outta you
- No, no, no!
- What do you mean?
Fuck you, bitch!
And fuck you too.
- What do you mean, fuck me?
What is wrong with you, lady?
- Typical.
- But now he's gone!
- Oh no, I just didn't want
you to be alone like I am
all these years.
- [BOY] He's insane
in the banana brain!
- Tell me where the delicious
banana brain cereal is hidden
or else the girl gets milked.
- No, please.
I just got this dress.
- Only bananas.
Only bananas
Only bananas get
milked in the morning.
- Cut, cut, cut!
- Friggin' amateur.
You wanna borrow
my training bra?
- You blow that line
one more time
(GRUNTS) I'll turn
you into an altar boy.
- Don't treat the kid like that.
- Why didn't you charge
him, shout your line,
and whack his fruity
(MUMBLES) brains out?
Answer me, you little brat.
Why didn't you do that?
- Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, I got it,
I got it, Mitch.
I got it, I got it.
- Fix it, Marty, or
I'm gonna fix him.
- Okay, he's fixed.
Okay, see you.
I get it, man.
Sometimes it feels
like no one's ever
satisfied with you, huh?
like claiming "You don't
appreciate all the sacrifices
You only care about yourself,
you don't care about me."
So what's gonna happen, right?
You, me, you end up
feeling so crappy
that you do whatever you
can to make them happy,
become their servant.
You forget that you have a life.
It'll drive you
ducking goat nuts.
Okay, I bet you
hate math, right?
Of course.
Well, you see that guy over
there with the mustache?
Like looking away?
Looks a funny man, right?
Well, you don't like that guy.
He is a kid-hating,
homework overloading,
call you out in
the middle of class
when he knows you don't know
the answer math teacher.
I'm talking about
the kind of math
where they tell you letters
or numbers, it makes no sense!
Max, take a stand.
Pick up that spoon,
this is your time.
Do it for the kids.
Do it for the kids
all over the world.
Tell that fun-robbing
hate monster
what time the bananas
get milked around here!
Go, my boy!
- Only bananas get
milked in the morning!
- Fuck.
- I have gun!
Gun to shoot.
Go away.
- Mrs. Gonzalez, I'm Judith
Weiss, from the social services.
If you want to continue to
receive state assistance,
you must allow me to
conduct a home inspection.
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) Without the
welfare, I have no home.
Come in, come in, por favor.
- Thank you, thank
you, Mrs. Gonzalez.
Oh, actually cold in here.
How many children do you have?
- I
- On your welfare papers,
it says that you have five.
Five children.
Do you want to
reapply for welfare?
- No, no.
Use each of the penny
for five children.
- Okay.
Does Mr. Gonzalez
provide any assistance?
- No hear or see him
in over a year, so no.
- Can you prove to me that
you have five children?
- Yes!
- Somehow?
- They are playing
with the neighbors.
I will bring them to you.
- Oh, that's really
not necessary.
You can show me their
clothes or their diapers.
- No, keep her company, okay?
I'll be right back.
Vamos, vamos, vamos.
These are my five children.
- I see.
Alright, so what is your name?
- Chan Sook.
- Juanita Chan Sook Gonzalez.
- Juanita Chan Sook.
And you must be Paco.
- Trey.
- Idea!
Talk to me.
We'll call it
Do we have Twister?
Twist in the Mouth.
No good, moving on.
If you whist, you whist.
The yogurt that gives
you warts, right?
God, why do we need another
fucking yogurt, right?
I'll kill you!
I'm melting, I'm melting!
- Marty, you killed it.
Nailed it.
Marty, you saved the shoot,
the client thinks
you're a rock star.
- Unbelievable how you get
inside the psychographics
of a preteen demo.
You must have the mind of
an advanced 10 year old.
- Shut the fuck up,
you're just jealous.
Marty, you have just proven
yourself worthy of advance.
- Regardless of
your bipolar record.
- We are shifting you
to a new demographic,
the constipated young adult.
- The adult market?
Constipated adult?
I can go with that.
I mean, it's a start,
right, why not?
Everyone gets constipated
once or twice.
I had an enema once.
But wait, I got it.
How about "Life is full of it
but that doesn't
mean you should be."
- [SUMMER] Marty,
girlfriend on line one.
- Don't be too literal here.
Midway Investments
is the client.
They're financial, not medical.
I lovingly ascribe
the term constipated
to this particular crop
currently turning 30
because they can't seem to
get off the proverbial pot
of their childhood.
They have careers,
they have money,
but for whatever reason
they seem to lack
the emotional maturity
to let go of their past
and put stock in their futures.
- Really good.
- [SUMMER] Marty,
mom on line two.
- I'm in a very important
meeting, thank you, yep.
Yeah, listening, yeah.
Very attently here.
- It's because they got
too many trophies
and awards and medals
for nothing.
- Yeah, for sitting on the pot.
- Exactly.
For being a big bunch of babies.
- So you can see why we think
you're a natural for this.
10:00 a.m. tomorrow,
be in our meeting
to meet the Midway client.
We want you to be the one to
tell the constipated adult
it's time to become
a confident adult.
- No, I said I'd
be home after work.
Hey baby, I was
just about to call.
- So why didn't you?
- Mom?
- I left a message
at your office.
What could be more important
than your mother's life at risk?
- Wait, Mom, hold on.
I'll call you right back.
- Marty, where the hell are you?
Move it!
We have to be at the
restaurant at seven.
I need a glass of wine now.
So pick up a bottle
and not a cheap one.
See you on time,
assuming you love me.
You understand?
- [MARTY] Mom, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
Don't worry.
- Don't worry?
What the hell?
What happened?
- It was a typical young
man blowing off steam.
I said a few things I probably
shouldn't have, you know.
One woman had to
hold him back
- Held him back, holy shit, Mom.
What did I tell you about
mouthing off to the wrong people?
- I know.
Lately I just feel so unsettled.
- God, Mom.
Just don't act out.
- Well, I'm really
worried because I
I did another stupid
thing at work.
I let a woman make false
claims on her paperwork.
I screw up everything.
All I make is mistakes.
- Come on, Mom.
You made me.
- And I never see you.
You live in sunny California
and you never come here.
- Well, I'm planning on
coming to New York soon.
- You promise?
- I don't know.
You know, when I do,
we're gonna have some
We're gonna have a great time
and check out some of
those edgy galleries
off the beaten path
you like, you know?
And then you'll forget all about
these risky little
mistakes, okay?
- Okay.
- $55.95.
- Fuck.
- What, what, what, what?
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Everything's great.
How long do you think
this is gonna take?
Because some big stuff
came up at work tonight
and I just gotta get
- Stop, stop, Marty.
This is important, okay?
I need you to be nice,
especially to Ray,
because all of his blogs are
about the major
retailer buyers, okay?
And he might do a write
up on my line, remember?
Good, okay, so
(LAUGHS) He thinks your
commercials are funny too,
so they're gonna be
encouraging, right?
- Absolutely.
- Promise?
- Yes.
- How perfect, honey.
- Well, you know, I heard
you know who is wearing Gucci
to the Oscars.
- Oh gosh.
- How perfect.
- I'd never wear Gucci.
I mean, who wears Gucci anyway?
- How can I convince you
to come down to my studio
and see my lingerie line?
- Oh, I'd really love to,
Miss Lydia, just love it.
(KISSES) But I'm
just so overbooked.
Don't you have a
website I can glance?
- Well, the website,
it's coming.
- You ain't got no website?
- No, but it's coming.
- On the way.
- Yeah, we're just
still in production.
We're trying to get
that off the ground.
- It's off, it's off.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
But you know what, Ray, I
know if you blog about me.
Listen to me, if you blog
about me, I will get orders.
- Raise the play,
raise the play.
- Raise the play.
He always says that,
I think it's so funny.
- Raise the play.
Raise the play.
- Oh, perfect,
honey, I like that.
Would I blog to that one.
- Alright, so let's
celebrate that.
Okay, no, champagne.
Let's do champagne.
- Oh, that would be perfect.
You should manufacture
your lingerie in Cambodia.
- Really?
- Everyone's there.
It's so inexpensive, fascinating
culture, it's perfect.
- Cambodia is slave labor.
Is that what makes it
fascinating culture,
kids working in a factory
all day for two bucks?
- How perfect.
- I don't feel
loved by you, Marty.
You don't respect my friends,
you eye on the women,
you don't take me on vacations,
and you lie all the time!
And you never let me watch
my favorite TV shows.
Marty only cares about Marty!
- Are you kidding?
That's not true!
I mean, who funded
the startup cost
for your lingerie company?
I spent $12,000 showing you
how much I believe in you.
- Oh my god, Marty,
that was just a loan!
- So this is how
you pay me back?
By just walking out on me?
I mean, you turn a
thank you into fuck you
with 50% interest!
- That's the problem, Marty.
You loaned me money,
you didn't give it to me
because you didn't
believe in me.
I believed in you!
I thought you were different.
But all you love is
being loved or needed,
whatever you think love is.
Just move.
- Back already?
I'll kiss but I don't
know about making up.
- Well, if you want a kiss,
you're gonna have to
invite me in first.
- Rawl?
- I've returned
in body and soul.
- Oh my god, man.
I haven't seen your
ass in like nine years.
- And no matter how
nicely you ask me,
I'm not gonna let you see it.
- Check this out, man.
I saved all your postcards
from Peking to Pittsburgh.
Come on, come on, man.
- Walked around the world.
Sung where Caesar spoke, danced
where Attila the Hun hid.
Dined where Jesus last ate.
Now it is time for me to rest.
- Well, your ass is resting
on a goose down designer sofa,
so rest up, I gotta
get some work done.
You got no home,
no cash, nothing.
And you're so together.
- Peace is knowing
you're just a part.
- Just a part, huh?
- Marty, my nomadic life
of nine years has led me
on a journey, a future path.
Along the way, I've
met many craftmakers
whose gifts are golden
yet they sell for pennies and
their family ends up broke
and continues to suffer.
What I want to do is sell
their gifts to the West
through an importation business.
I've looked into it
and it's gonna cost 10,000
American dollars to get started.
I don't have any family
I can borrow from
or friends I can draw from.
Marty, would you
lend me that money?
- Are you serious?
- Rawl, man, this
is our MSW, not ATM.
- Is that a yes?
- Up his ass.
- So where is this
creative director
with his finger on the pulse?
- Oh, with you.
Bill, I would like very
much to introduce you
to Martin Weiss, the
man who's gonna create
your new campaign for
the investor too young
and too insecure to
understand why it is
he ought to be investing.
- How you doing, sir,
nice to meet you.
- Oh.
- I'm thinking the way to
sell investment programs
in this environment
might be with someone
who has nothing to lose.
Imagine a spokesman.
An earthy, long
haired, zenned out dude
who's been to the edge
of the world and back.
He has no money or
desire to have anything.
But he has that one thing
that everyone wants.
It's the secret of his
supreme confidence,
it's the thing that all
your potential clients
loaded with responsibilities
and mortgages
and families and fears all want.
- And what's that?
- Inner peace.
- [SUMMER] There's an
urgent call for Marty?
- Summer, we're in the
middle of a meeting.
- [SUMMER] I'm sorry,
sir, I wouldn't interrupt
but there appears
to be an emergency.
- Then what is it?
- [SUMMER] It's his mother, sir.
- I waited in the freezing
cold for two hours
for the locksmith to come.
And without my purse, I
didn't have any cash or cards.
I had to give him my
mother's ring for collateral.
- You gave him Nana's ring?
That's a $3,000 ring
for a $300 collateral.
- Don't make me feel worse.
I had to stand in the street
like a homeless person
begging for change just
to call the locksmith!
- Mom, please, just don't cry.
I know you left your
purse on the train,
but why didn't you
just call me collect?
- Because you are
3,000 miles away.
You can't help me.
- I could have
wired you the money.
- I don't need your money!
Every god-awful night I
come home to an empty house.
Every fucking morning
I wake up alone.
I make one stupid
decision after another
because I have no
one to talk to!
- You have friends
- My friends are preoccupied
with their own useless lives.
- Mom, listen.
You're just upset, okay?
You're probably
cold, you're hungry.
Just, why don't you
take a nice hot bath.
You know, everything will be
- I don't want to take a bath!
If you want to get off
the phone, just tell me.
Just stop lying to me
like everyone else!
- Mom!
Just take a deep breath, okay?
Just take a deep
breath and calm down.
Let me hear you say
there's no emergency,
everything's okay, I'm
calm and in control.
Cause you are, right?
You said it before, let
me hear you say it again.
Breathe and say it.
- I'm
I'm calm and in control.
- Right.
We're gonna breathe.
One, two, three, hold.
One, two, three, release.
You're the only good
thing in my life.
- Come on, Mom.
That's not true.
- It is.
I'm okay, I'm just
here, by myself.
Have a good day.
- I'd like to be
working for the guy
who scores on the
Midway account,
not with cartoon cat ladies.
- Patty the pussy pickler.
- Mmhm.
- Oh, fuck it.
Just clearing my head.
- Why, so your mom can fill
it with shit again tomorrow?
- That is an interesting
theory, Summer.
Confidence, right?
I can write about
confidence, right?
I'm Mr. Confident.
How am I gonna write
about confidence
when I can't even
get out of bed?
- That's too bad.
I bet if your mom's
life didn't suck so bad,
yours wouldn't either.
- Want a three month job
to earn that cash you need?
- Marty, I know nothing
about advertising.
- No, no.
It's more like
looking after someone.
Like babysitting.
- You have a hidden
bastard child?
- No.
My parents divorced
when I was five.
Dad bailed on alimony so
Mom went back to school,
got a career, became
a social worker
like her sister, my Aunt Judy.
My Aunt Judy's responsible
for getting my mom
back on her feet.
And hundreds of women.
- Hundreds.
- Yeah.
- Wow, that's amazing.
You know, I knew this
woman in Guatemala who
- Well, I mean, you
know, it's not amazing.
I mean, sure, I've
given her money,
but that doesn't
fix the big problem.
Working on countless
social cases
where these men
abandon their families
has really affected her.
Aunt Judy hasn't had a
decent boyfriend since.
She's convinced that
all men are pigs.
- How could I help?
- Teach her.
Teach her that men can be good.
Be the man of her dreams.
It's only for a few months.
Alright, a month.
- I'm sorry, Marty, I
can't feign romance.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not asking you to go and
sleep with her for money.
Let me show you this.
You go to New York and
you show this woman
how good a true man can be.
I mean, she's a champion
of the downtrodden.
She makes sure that working
moms on government assistance
get all the assistance
they truly need.
You know, but now
she needs assistance
and I can't help her,
I'm too tied down.
I'm worried.
You'd be like a
personal trainer.
You know, instead of
making a fat person thin,
you'd be making a scared
person brave, you know?
You show Aunt Judy life,
you give her what you've got.
Culture, stories, attention.
You know, you fix her wounds.
- Like a healer.
- Exactly.
You're a healer, restoring
her emotional health.
- Marty, I don't
understand how I'd do this.
- Rawl, do you
understand $10,000?
Dress a little sharper and
I'll get you a haircut.
I'll take you to my barber
and you can crash at Rupert's.
Remember him, the guy who
ran poetry slams in Venice?
Well, he now lives in
Brooklyn and he owes me.
I'll even throw in 500
a week for expenses.
Just give Aunt Judy
all your attention,
share your learnings.
But remember, under no
circumstances let her know
that we're friends.
It would trip her up.
Promise, man, keep
this a secret.
This is serious, Rawl.
You're on a mission.
- A healing mission.
- Shit.
Hey, how about a coffee?
- Oh, not for me.
I haven't had caffeine
in eight years.
Sends me loopy.
- Oh, well, I can't say
I'm technically drug free
because I basically survive
off coffee and cigarettes,
but I haven't done coke, dope,
or green smoke in five years.
Thank you.
But problem is, I also
haven't been beyond
like three blocks of this
shithole either, so
- You know, I've never
stayed in the same place
for longer than three months
in the last seven years.
- Holy shit, I got it!
You're homophobic.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I embrace all my brothers.
- See, I'm diagnosed
Agora's the Greek
word, it means outside.
I am afraid of leaving my home.
That makes you home-ophobic,
afraid of having a home.
See, it's a little (LAUGHS).
- I think comfort's an illusion.
- Bullshit, it's contagious.
- Are you a shut in or a shrink?
- Both.
I have a degree in psychology
from Brute College.
Classes were just full of nuts
trying to manage
their own psychoses.
Why do you think I'm so
afraid to go outside?
Because the world is one big
affliction if you go outside.
You are sure to suffer.
Look at all these fucking books!
I know too much, you know?
- Know too much?
About what?
- Oh, like disaster
and disappointment.
They wait for you around
every little turn.
And love, love.
Oh god, it just
fucking kills you.
So we just repeat and we
repeat until we just give up
or we end up frantically
demanding satisfaction
from someone who's not
even capable of taking care
of themselves.
Or, or, or we spend most of
our lives trying to make up
for what our parents
never gave us
and so the words then are
meaningless next to the message.
- The message?
- Yes, the message, the message,
the big fucking message!
- What's the message?
- There is no message.
Or is there?
- Yeah.
- I got presents.
I got presents, I got presents,
I got aloha, aloha.
- A vacation?
- A vacation, baby.
- Marty!
Thank you, oh my god.
I forgive you, I forgive you.
Let me see, when are we going?
- Next month.
I'm going to screw
you in Honolulu, baby.
Come on.
I meant make love.
- I like to screw, I
don't like being screwed.
And I know that's what will
happen if I forgive you.
- I
- Marty, do you believe in me?
- Yes.
- Then help me with my career.
- I told you, I'll
do everything I can
- Okay, Marty.
- Once your line is finished.
I'll create a promotional
campaign, a website, everything.
- Marty, my line is finished!
It's just excuses.
Why did I think
you were different?
You said I could be somebody.
- Yes, you can!
- So call your fancy
friends, Marty.
Get them to profile me and my
lingerie in a damn magazine.
Get my name out there.
Show me you believe in me!
- Rupert?
- Yeah.
- What's in those bottles?
- Oh, just a little
health drink.
- Some kind of juice?
- (LAUGHS) You could say that.
- What kind?
- Mine.
- It's not.
- Oh, it is.
100% pee from me.
Healthiest drink on
the planet, my friend.
Forget the apple a day lie.
All you really need each day
is a glass of your own urine.
Now the AMA, they
hide the truth, okay,
to keep us all sick and
popping their pills.
- Fascinating.
- Yeah.
Have a drink from me, bud.
There's plenty.
Want one?
Knock that back, I'm
gonna go take a dump.
- I'm good for now.
- Sure.
Maybe later.
Anytime you want it.
- Hey, a pack of Rex, please.
- Can I get a lighter, please?
- What kind do you want?
- Any lighter's fine.
- Whoa!
Lady, you alright?
- No, this freak
is following me.
- Hey, buddy, you
- Hey, I just want
to give her a light.
- Here's a light.
Lights out!
- You got Marty.
- Yeah, well, you got trouble.
Some man attacked Rawl
while he was trying
to give your aunt a light.
- Aunt Judy doesn't smoke.
- Judy don't smoke?
- What?
She doesn't smoke?
- No, always told me,
bad for your health.
- Bad?
It almost gave me a concussion.
- I'm sorry, it wasn't her.
You know what, I
meant to tell you this,
but you can ambush her
at the Coffee Clash
around where she lives.
She's there almost every
morning at 9:00 a.m.
- Is that cold, is that
helping the swelling?
- Yeah.
- Relax, take a breath, Judy.
I got your bagel waiting.
Gluten free, right?
That's what you want.
- Yeah, great.
- Everything alright?
- No, I gotta go across
town to the office
of management and budget
to formally request
an increase in textbook funding
for children in public housing.
Sons of bitches won't
cough up another red cent
unless it's for a
fucking animal shelter.
- Hey, politicians.
They care more about cats and
dogs than the gutter kids.
You know, the man knows
exactly where the votes
are coming from.
Don't let 'em shit ya.
- Screw the mayor.
- Absolutely.
He's a supreme sell out.
- Yeah, bear in a bullshit.
- Crapload of corruption.
- Asshole.
Assassin of democracy.
- Asshole assassin of
democracy, alright.
Hey, voice of the
people right here.
Coffee's on the house.
- Oh, thank you, Larry.
- Kick some ass, will you?
- [JUDITH] How's your wife?
- She's good.
- [JUDITH] Okay, good.
- Buddy, what do you need?
Hey, hey.
Hey, over here.
- Do you recycle these?
- These, let me see.
Yeah, we fill 'em with
dirt and we plant daisies.
- Fantastic.
Hold on to that, thank you!
- Hey, what can I get you?
- [JUDITH] Babs, when are
you gonna get gluten free?
- I'm working on it.
The usual?
- Yes, please.
- Alright.
And for your friend?
- He's not
- Oh, too bad.
Kid's got nice cheekbones.
- Oh, uh
I will get
Same as her.
- Sounds delicious.
- Thank you.
Reading anything
interesting there?
- Yeah, death, disease, poverty.
The New York City quarterly
social service report.
- Reminds me of Phnom Penh.
- Well, it's right here in the
wealthiest city in the world.
- You know, the US has the
highest teen pregnancy rate
in the industrialized world?
- And the highest TV rate.
And childhood abandonment.
And lowest reading skills.
And it goes on and on and on.
- Well, there are
more toxic places.
- Oh yeah?
Name 'em.
- Nairobi.
- Newark, New Jersey.
- Newark, New Jersey?
- Place is so toxic the
only thing that grows there
is the crime rate.
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been to
any of those places?
- All of them.
Even Chernobyl.
- Really, isn't it radioactive?
I thought that was off limits.
The only thing off limits in
Russia is other man's vodka.
- What did you do there?
- I started washing
dishes and making omelets.
Soon enough, I was
teaching cooks there
how to cook things other
than boiled cabbage.
- So I take it you're a cook.
- I like to spread
out my resources.
- What were you
doing in Calcutta?
- In Calcutta, I was working
for a German relief organization
distributing water
purification tablets for women
drawing water from unsafe wells.
I realized I get the most
bountiful joy by giving.
- Please.
Been giving my whole life
and I'd really like it back.
- That seems like a
very wounded sentiment.
- Save your tears.
Salt stings.
- Can I ask what it is
that you're so deeply
regretful about?
- You have a couple hours?
- Actually yeah, I do.
- Well, I don't.
And even if I did have a life,
wouldn't have time
to enjoy it, so.
Babs, I'm gonna need my check.
- I feel your spirit.
I'd love to share some
more time with you,
maybe go for a drink.
- A drink?
- Yeah.
- Kid, you sure you
haven't had a few already?
I mean, I'm probably
twice your age.
- With double the wisdom.
I mean, I know that I
would definitely find it
very stimulating.
- I haven't been stimulated
since I ran out of Duracells.
- Excuse me?
- I said it's been a long time
since I said what the hell.
- So it's settled then.
9:00 p.m. tonight
at the Algonquin.
- The Algonquin?
How can I say no to that?
- Exactly.
- What's your name?
- Rawl.
- Rawl?
- Correct.
- Oh, god.
My god
Oh my god.
Who am I kidding?
The only man I'm seeing tonight
is the one who's
delivering the pizza.
- I think Papa
Smurf wants to play.
- Yeah, well, Smurfette
is going to sleep.
- How about one little kiss?
- Just give me a kiss,
Marty, don't announce it.
- Rawr!
- I'm still going to sleep.
- Baby.
It's been a while.
- You always get me
at the wrong time.
Sunsets are my time,
that's when I feel sexy.
- Wake up, the
sunset, it's killer.
- Honey, I've just gotten up.
- Look.
- Marty.
That's beautiful.
That's so sweet honey.
Come here.
Get on top of me.
Oh shit.
Oh shit.
- [RECORDING] You've
got Marty's home phone,
tell me something good!
- I'm fucking you, I'm
- [JUDITH] Marty,
Marty, it's me.
Please pick up the
phone, it's an emergency,
I really need to talk to you.
- Wait, wait.
- [JUDITH] Marty, I
know you're there.
Please answer the phone.
I know you're there and
I really, really need
to talk to you,
it's very important.
Please answer the phone!
It's your mother, I really
need to talk to you.
Please answer the phone,
it's very, very important.
- Oh my god, Marty!
- No!
- [JUDITH] You are so
selfish, it's your mother.
Damn it, I really
need to talk to you.
Will you please
answer the phone.
- No!
- [JUDITH] Marty, I am really,
really in trouble here.
I need you to pick
up the phone now!
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Marty?
- Oh shit.
- Marty?
Oh my god, Marty, are
you being attacked?
Should I call the police?
- Oh, shit, I got it.
- [JUDITH] Marty!
- Hello?
- Marty?
- Yeah, just, the TV.
TV was on too loud.
- What, you couldn't turn off
the TV to talk to your mother?
- PBS doc, you know.
- What's wrong with you?
- Couldn't finish
fucking your girlfriend?
What is wrong with you?
Get off of me.
- What's the emergency?
- I have been working
on this report all week
and the printer that you told
me to buy, it's not printing.
It's not working, I'm
pressing the button
and it's not working and
I really need it to work.
It's not printing.
- The printer won't work?
- I've gotta be at work
and I need to turn it in.
- Oh god, 4:00 a.m.
in the morning.
- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
We can solve this.
- I really need your help!
- What color lights are
flashing on the printer?
- What lights?
There are no lights.
There's no flashing
fucking lights.
- On the power strip.
The orange light, is it on?
- Oh.
- What's going on?
- Oh.
I see green lights!
printing, it's printing!
Oh, thank you, honey.
Thank you so much.
Oh, it must be really
early in the morning there.
I'm so sorry.
- No, no, no, it's okay, really.
- Thank you so much.
I'm sorry, honey,
I'm really sorry.
- No, it's fine.
When you're tired
and you need love
- Eat a Twister, a taffy
coated pretzel, a real gift
From above
- Cute.
Shouldn't you be working
on Midway Investments?
They want proposals by
the end of the week.
Not to mention Gummy
- How was the jingle?
- Hi.
- Just calling to see
how that report went.
- Huh, what?
Oh, the report, yes, yes.
It went fine, thank you.
- You know, I'm just wondering
if there was anything going on,
anything freaking
you out, you know?
- Well, yeah.
I fell into a conversation
with this young man
at a diner and he casually
asked me out for a drink.
So probably being polite or
stroking his ego, I don't know,
but I knew he would never show.
I mean, who am I kidding?
- Wait, wait, wait.
So this joker didn't show
up for a drink at the bar?
- No.
Well, maybe he
did, but I didn't.
- Oh, Mom.
Why not?
- I'm old and unattractive.
Nobody's interested in that.
And if, if I find someone
who is interested,
I mean, guess what?
They screw you because
they've just been screwed.
- Come on, what do
you have to lose?
- My sanity, for one.
If another man pisses on me,
I don't think I'll
survive the humiliation.
- Mom, it's a date,
not an attack.
- Yeah, well, maybe.
I blew it.
I mean, nothing ever
works out for me.
- Well, hey, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
What if it did?
What if you go back to
the diner and he's there?
Maybe it's a place
he frequents a lot
and he works in the area.
I mean, you go there,
you say it was a mistake,
and ask if he'll
take a rain check.
- Yeah, well, even if I
did, why would he want to?
- Because you're
great, you know.
You're intelligent and
vivacious and opinionated.
Some guys like the insides too.
- Thank you, sir.
Here, keep the change.
Thank you so much.
- [RAWL] I've always wanted
to breathe in this space.
The spirits here helped
shape our culture.
- Yes, the Algonquin.
This was the breeding ground
for some of our
greatest literati.
This is the room where
Dorothy Parker said
"You can lead a whore
to culture,
but you cannot make her think."
- We're all whores.
I was told that in Algiers.
- Algiers.
It's funny it took coming to
New York to really understand
what that meant.
- Well, guess New
York is a place
where people do have to
sell their souls sometimes
just to pay the rent.
- I was requested
to bring our best.
- Oh, champagne.
Can you afford this?
- Sometimes when I let myself
go, I really let myself go.
Thank you.
- Well, here's to
letting yourself go.
- It's a common Romanian toast.
To this day, this
year, this world.
- Usually when I drink, I
drink to forget this world.
- Too many do.
People dwell on success but
success is just an outcome,
a concept, it's trivial.
Why focus on a goal
instead of reality?
I mean, what's real, what's
crucial is right here right now.
You and I here together,
not desiring anything else.
Know this.
- Know this.
So what brings you to New York?
- Curiosity.
I've never been.
I'm gonna be here
for two months,
but I don't really have
anyone to show me around,
show me the sights.
I was hoping maybe you could.
Be my friend.
- Your friend?
What does that
mean, your friend?
You want something from me,
I want something from you.
Usually someone is
always taken for a ride.
- Maybe you've never
had the right friend.
- That is for sure.
- A real friendship is
one mind in two bodies.
- Let's toast to
real friendship.
- To real friendship.
- Real friendship.
- I never even left Australia
until I went to college
in California.
At about 21, I soon realized
just how self-serving
people were, you know?
Felt like I had no purpose
in life, no reason to be.
So right before I was
ready to end it all
and throw myself off a
roof, I had this thought.
I at least owe it to
myself to see the world
before I leave it, right?
So I set off on a
journey, adventures.
Set out to see the world,
suck the life out of the world
instead of letting the world
suck the life out of me.
- So becoming a global hobo
saved you from yourself?
- I guess so.
- Why'd you wanna die?
- That was my birthright.
Can thank my parents
for that one.
I started to feel my thoughts,
actions mimicking them.
It terrified me.
I thought I'd end up like
them, just abusive and bitter.
- I can't imagine you ever
being abusive and bitter.
I want to hear your
stories, stuff you've seen.
- (LAUGHS) I see a lot of
tragedy, pain, and sorrow.
- You have a choice.
I could choose to
see good or bad.
Choose to see the good
and life can be good.
- You dropped her off in a cab
when the sun was coming up?
Rawl, you fucking Casanova!
- Don't mislead yourself, Marty.
We merely engaged on a
profound conversational level.
I have no romantic interest.
I made that clear.
- Right, right.
I'm just saying it's great,
you guys are getting along.
- Well, Judy's a good person.
She just has a few life issues.
- Yeah, and I'm one of them.
- I plan to take out
Judith on the town.
- Yeah, go for it,
you have my card.
Holy fucking home run!
- Are the Dodgers playing?
- Summer.
Just a few things for
your nephew, right?
No distractions.
You know, we need to hone
the no role models concept
into a reason to let
Midway invest your money.
It can't just be a diatribe
about the state of affairs.
- Yeah, it should be both.
More fun, less glum.
- Yes.
So let's brainstorm
this bitch now.
- Right on.
Oh, your buddy Rawl called,
said something about your
Aunt Judith canceling
on their date and not
wanting to see him again?
What's that about?
Is that talking about your mom?
- No, just give me
a minute, please.
- Yeah.
- I need to talk to Rawl.
Well, untangle him out
of his lotus position.
- [RUPERT] Take a deep
breath, bud, he's right here.
Hold on.
- [MARTY] What the
fuck's going on?
- Marty?
- [MARTY] Yeah!
- I got her asking what time
she wanted me to pick her up.
She said never and told me
to never call her again.
- She's just freaked
out, you know,
because it's been a while since
Aunt Judy had a new friend,
so just call her back.
Call her back and be insistent.
- Marty, I swore I'd
never impose my will
on anybody ever again.
- Come on.
Just call her back, right?
Do something big,
something romantic.
- I'm sorry, Marty, okay?
I understand if our
deal is now void.
- Come on.
You fucking tofu-eating pussy!
- Marty, I can't force myself
on her like a salesman.
- Oh, BS, B fucking S, man.
And this is a healing
mission, remember?
Why'd you call my office,
why didn't you call my cell?
You're running
scared, rambling man.
I mean, what are you gonna do?
What, are you just
gonna go and medicate.
Oops, I mean meditate
your life away?
- What do you want me to do?
Bang down her door?
- Come on, man, if you
give up, if you give up
Don't send me a postcard.
- Postcards?
Who writes those anymore?
Where do they even
sell postcards?
It's weird.
- Hey.
(SNAPS) Are we gonna
brainstorm this bitch or what?
- What time's the
presentation again tomorrow?
- 9:00 a.m.
- Fuck, I gotta get out
of here, I gotta go.
I'll be back.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
- Not without me, you don't.
- Judith!
It's beautiful out here!
Need a lift?
Come on.
- What?
You've come for me?
- Yes.
I want to learn the world
It's not the same anymore
We can be friends
I love you, I can't pretend
- [RAWL] Wow!
I can finally start again
You make my heart mend
- The city has never
felt this intimate.
I feel like I'm
on a magic carpet.
It was you
It was you and
now I'm a fool
- Why were you afraid to see me?
- You remind me of a
man I gave my heart to.
Young, idealistic Gordon.
I ran from him straight into
the arms of my ex-husband.
- I know the feeling.
- I know you do.
It was you, it was
you and now I'm a fool
It was you, it was you
It was you
and now I'm a fool
- [SUMMER] Oh yeah.
This is what I'm talking about.
- [MARTY] I've never
had it so good.
- [SUMMER] Marty, take
your fingers out of there.
Don't you want the real thing?
- [MARTY] I mean,
it's so delicious.
Your mother taught you right.
- [SUMMER] When
it comes to this,
there isn't anything my
mother didn't teach me.
- [MARTY] You want this.
Oh shit.
- [SUMMER] Are you
gonna answer the phone
or are you gonna give it to me?
- Hello?
- [LESLIE] Hey, Marty!
- Hey.
- [LESLIE] What you doing?
- I am home,
cooking up some ideas
for the Midway proposal.
- [LESLIE] Are you with anyone?
- Am I
Am I with anybody?
What kind of question is
that, am I with anybody?
Why would I be with anybody?
I'm with God, right?
- [LESLIE] Well, are you, Marty?
- No, I'm here alone, working.
- [LESLIE] Where?
Where are you working?
- Where?
I'm at my easel.
I mean, meter maids aren't
gonna pay for
first class tickets to Hawaii
baby. Daddy got to do his thing.
- [LESLIE] Prove it.
I want to hear your
computer make some noise.
- Computer noise?
Come on, baby, you
don't trust me?
- [LESLIE] I want to
hear some noise, Marty!
Well, even if you're
at the computer,
doesn't mean that you're alone.
Okay, I want to hear you scream
from the top of your lungs
that you love me.
- Babe, I mean, isn't
this just a little silly?
- [LESLIE] Who's there?
- I love you!
- [LESLIE] Again.
- I love you, I love
you, love you, love you!
- Bitch
- It's okay, it's okay.
- Oh my god!
- Summer, get out of here.
Get out.
Stop it, stop it, just get out.
- You look like a million pesos.
What happened after
I left last night?
- Well, the good news is I
made up with her at 5:00 a.m.
And the bad news is she
says I have to fire you.
- Ha!
That's funny.
You're lucky I
don't sue your ass.
Okay, they're all
waiting in there for you.
I told them that you
were polishing stats.
You do have stats?
That's what I thought.
Thank god I looked
them up for you.
Shall we?
- Hey, guys.
Sorry I'm late, I was just
- Oh!
- I got it, I got it.
Start talking, say
something, say something.
- Mr. Milk, hello.
Can I get anybody any drinks?
- Summer, please, take a seat.
Marty, we have all seen
great work from you
in the juvenile division.
- Thanks, Lee.
- What do you propose for the
Midway Investment account?
- Well, you know, Midway, right?
Midway Investment Firm,
Midway Investors, Midway.
Who is the Midway investor?
You know, I don't know, right?
Who the hell are these assholes?
- You're talking
to one right here.
- I'll be right back.
- Oh.
Maybe we got the
wrong guy for this.
- No, Marty is absolutely
the right guy for this.
I mean, he has some really
advanced angles on this thing.
- Hey, everyone!
I got some toys, guys.
Playtime, everyone.
Everyone play.
What's the matter?
You've forgotten how to play?
Look, we're trying to have a
sophisticated meeting here,
now back in the 80s when
the dudes and dudettes
that Midway's trying to target,
when they were primetime
TV loving kids,
I was the undisputed
king of cool.
Never needed a gun
to solve my problems.
There wasn't a jam I
couldn't get out of
with a little ingenuity
and a paperclip.
I was their role model
who convinced them
there is always an easy way out.
They were convinced that
easy times would open arms,
lay ahead, but when
they got out of college,
they got welcomed into the
adult world full of indecision.
The 9/11, the terrorism,
and a clueless president
and weapons of financial
destruction, no decent jobs,
and the promise of being the
first American generation
to have a worse quality of
life than their parents.
What kind of life is that?
I don't know, I'm outta here!
That's a life that I don't want.
Well, that may be so, Marty.
Don't hit me now.
Well, why isn't there?
It's not my fault.
Whose fault is it?
See, I believe trust is dead.
We need the Midway
campaign to focus
on the absence of role models.
- In the 25 years that I've
been running this company,
I can't think of a more
original, unique presentation.
Generation brought up without
a credible role model.
I like the premise.
Suppose we were to invent
the ideal role model
and then market it directly
to this lost generation.
Think that's something you
can come up with, Marty?
- Of course it is, Mr. Milk.
- Five companies bidding
for the same job,
so Monday I'd like
to hear very much
what your idea for the
spokesman might be.
Good luck.
- You really pulled it off.
I don't know how you
did, but you did it.
So to get the low
self-esteemer to invest,
we need to understand
how they learned
to not value themselves
in the first place.
- You got Marty.
- She's a fountain girl!
- Rawl?
Fountain girl?
What are you talking about?
- Judith.
My wonder entered her garden
and then I discovered
her life flow.
Marty, the French say if
you find a fountain girl,
you'll forever bathe in love.
Pierre is right.
Marty, it was like having
a hot bottle of champagne
just exploded all over my face!
- A bottle of hot
champagne on your face?
What are you talking about?
- Sounds like female
ejaculation to me.
- She was deep in passion
and I was gripped in fear,
holding onto the bedposts.
She guided my kisses
down to her garden
and my tongue tickled her joy.
And soon came a sudden whoosh!
I mean, I'd heard it in
France about fountain girls,
but I didn't think it was true.
- Shh, stop talking, please.
- Oh, Marty, I was so excited
that my force was unleashed
and she wasn't even
touching my wonder.
- Look, no more
talking about force.
Please, just calm
down and slow down.
- I mean, it was an
emotional journey.
We held nothing back in
mind, in body, in soul.
We shared everything!
I mean secrets, dreams, desires.
- Wait, desires?
- Marty, this is it.
I mean, this is what
being in love is.
It's not being afraid.
And finally, finally this is it.
- What are you talking about?
- She spoke of past
loves, even tragedies.
- Tragedies, what tragedies?
- She spoke of Gordon, young
love she had when she was 22.
Some idealistic
motorcyclist dropout,
used to write a novel a week.
I mean, her family hated him.
Her father convinced him
that it would kill him
if they got married.
So she went and married
the first college boy
she could find.
Nervous New Yorker.
- Yes, yes, exactly,
right, right.
Who she divorced
when her son was five
because she found him cheating.
- Yes, yes!
But no, she was the
one doing the cheating.
Hey, how do you know?
- She was cheating?
Wait, wait, wait, who
the hell is Gordon?
My dad was the first
love of her life.
- Your dad?
Aunt Judy's my mom, you
fucking French found fuck.
- What?
I had sex with your mom?
- Yes.
And it sounds like you
liked it, motherfucker.
- I don't believe this.
- Believe it!
I thought
I'm a freak.
I thought it would, I
don't know what I thought.
I'm sorry, man, I should
have been straight with you.
You can keep the money
- I don't know what
to say except
Except thank you.
- Thank you?
Thank you?
- Marty, you can keep the money.
I never thought I'd
say these three words.
I'm in love!
- You're not in love, man.
You're talking about
my mom, alright?
She collects rubber bands.
- No, I am in love.
Marty, she opened up
something inside of me.
- Just stop talking about
anything being opened up
inside of you, please, okay?
- She is like an
epic living novel.
I can't put her down, I won't.
- Rawl, stop!
I don't want to hear
any more of the bullshit
about you sticking the fucking
wonder in her fucking garden
and if there's any more
(MUMBLES) fucking face
about how you lost
your fucking dick.
You're celibate, you haven't
has sex for 10 fucking years
you motherfucker.
Rawl, stop talking about
fucking my fucking mother!
- So sweet.
And it's not even Mother's Day.
- You must go!
- I have a gift.
- You cooked.
- Traveling on a budget,
you learn some things.
This is my favorite dish.
Couscous taught to me
by Kabal Kan Katak.
He's the leader of an
anti-Taliban force.
This couscous has recruited
more men than Uncle Sam.
- Let me take your coat.
- Oh, thank you.
- You've really done some
stuff, you know that?
You should write a novel.
- It would be incomplete.
I'm living the most
exciting chapter now.
- (LAUGHS) I'm sorry,
it's such a mess and
I had no time to clean up.
- No, it doesn't
look too bad at all.
- I've got this dinner here.
I don't know if you'll
like my cooking.
- Hey, who's that?
- Oh yeah, that's my
fucking ex-husband.
He's such an asshole.
I mean, he was in the
best pictures of Marty
so I had to cut the
prick's head off.
Too bad it wasn't his prick.
That's my son, you know.
He's the same age as you.
- Oh.
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
I hope that when he comes into
town, we can all have dinner.
- Oh god.
- [JUDITH] It's okay, it's okay.
- [RAWL] Don't touch
it, it's ruined.
- No, it's okay.
- No, I made a mess everywhere.
I think I should just go.
- No, no, no, no!
It's just one less dish to wash,
what are you talking about?
Fuck it, let's just go.
There's a restaurant
right around the corner
that I've always wanted
to check out and
You said that we would
create our own path.
- Everything happens
for a reason, right?
- Yeah, not
necessarily a good one.
I always hated that
New Age bullshit,
but coming from you
it's worth listening to.
You're such a goon,
you know that?
What do you see in me?
- I see everything.
- Could get used to this.
I could get used to this?
- Summer, I am way
overloaded on accounts.
I am promoting you from my
assistant to creative director
and you're gonna be responsible
for Sour Licks Candy
- Are you shitting me?
Can you do that?
- Absolutely not.
But I've gotta do it if we're
gonna land our firm Midway.
I'll beg Milk.
But for now it's just
gonna be our little secret.
- Me likey.
But I still want in on
the Midway account, okay?
Which reminds me, let me get
you those Austin weeklies.
I've been hunting
them down forever.
- Thank you.
- Don't say a word.
Just put on some rags and
grab yourself a roller.
- No one gets in
the fashion show
unless they're on the list.
- Ladies, how you doing?
Hey, I'm with one of the
models, Leslie White?
- I know these
bitches are skinny,
but unless she's invisible,
I'd say you're on your own.
- Come on, hawk, I
just need to get by.
- My my my my my my.
Haven't seen you at one of
these outings in donkey's years.
He's with us.
- In you go.
- You're a prince.
- Queen, honey.
I'm a queen.
- Oh, yes, you are.
- (GASPS) Marty!
What are you doing here?
You surprised me.
These new bitches dress so slow
it's making us all look bad.
I hope they take as
many pictures of me
as they did the girl before me.
- Are you kidding?
I saw more flashes than
the fourth of July.
- Oh (KISSES), what
would I do without you?
- What would you do?
- [LESLIE] I don't know.
- Leslie, I'm here because I
Because I need to
close our relationship.
- (LAUGHS) God, Marty, I never
know when you're playing.
- I'm not playing.
I'm not playing.
- What?
- You know what, I tried to
do what you wanted me to do.
I pieced together a
PR portfolio about you
to show some of my
fancy magazine friends
and so I searched for
some of the restaurant ads
that you said you
did back in Austin.
You know, and like
this is what I found.
It's just like
I just, I
Mandy Hot Talk, XXX.
Hot, right?
I guess you're just
good with your words.
I don't need your deceit or
your manipulation anymore.
I'm tired of wasting
my fucking time for you
and you're just
driving me all over
and it just doesn't
work, you know?
- Why is it, Marty,
that I never know
what you're really feeling unless
you're screaming about it?
Because you have
no balls, Marty,
that's why I never know what
you're fucking thinking.
And so I fibbed on a resume.
You're a fucking liar,
that's what you are.
Lied about loving me, lied
about respecting me in any way,
and you lied about
believing in me.
All you had to do was
make a phone call, Marty.
- I tried to do what
you wanted to do!
- Fuck you.
Fuck you every fucking day.
I give two shits about you.
You're too much of a pussy
to ever get some balls
and change for yourself!
And I will never
spend another moment
with tears coming down my
eyes for your fucking mess.
How about that?
- I can still make a few calls.
- Did you get all
of that on tape?
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
We need someone on
set behind the scenes
to publicize what it's like
to advertise with the stars,
you know?
Someone with a top fashion blog.
- I love Justin Bibi.
Who must I kill?
- Just type some hype on
Leslie's lingerie line, okay,
and you got a deal.
- Okay, how perfect.
I can do that, yes.
- I had this theory that if
you ever had an experience
where you felt like you can
sense other people's thoughts?
- Yes.
I'm certain that's how
certain animals communicate.
I also think in a way
that we choose our
own facial structure.
- You're definitely a lion.
- Really?
- What do you think I am?
- Something in water.
Definitely with wings.
You're a swan.
- (LAUGHS) You are real.
I said something to you
before, I must have.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You're so graceful
and proud and
- This is too much.
When my father was still alive,
he would take me every
Sunday to Prospect Park
and we would pass the
swans in the lake.
He would fall silent and
become mesmerized by them.
It was something that I never
saw in him anywhere else.
I knew that if I wanted
to catch the love of a man
like my father, I
had to be a swan.
He was solid, always
knew what to do.
His advice was golden.
If he'd only lived longer,
I probably wouldn't have
made all the stupid mistakes
that I made.
It's because I had no
one to consult with.
I've been foolish
most of my life.
Have you ever been
in love, Rawl?
- Once.
- Why did you leave her?
- I was weak.
- I've decided that
the no role models idea
is a craptastic idea, right?
Let me tell you why.
Because see, most people
are pathetic, you know?
They're either lying to someone
or they're lying to themselves.
We're gonna get 'em
from a different
We're gonna give 'em
someone who tells the truth.
Someone who's not
afraid to tell them
what the fuck is up, right?
And we'll call this
guy Mr. Absolute Truth.
And we'll put him in situations
that everyone can identify with.
Like let's say you're
going to your boss
and you need a little
itty bitty raise.
"I've been working really,
really hard for you
and just want to take my
wife on a cruise to Alaska
and I think it'd be great"
And we throw in our guy.
Mr. Absolute Truth Man,
here to save the day!
"Listen, boss man, alright,
bust me out a raise
or I'm gonna take my ass,
I'm gonna run off to the
competition, comprende?"
How about another scene
where a guy's girlfriend
won't oblige him with a
little BJ, just a little one.
He's gonna have to sit
in the middle of the bed
and just masturbate
while she's sleeping
in the middle of
the fucking night.
And he says to her "Sweetheart,
now I would appreciate
a little hummer if you
just would go downtown
and make things a
little bit easier for me.
I'd really
appreciate it, baby."
Absolute Truth comes in
and says "Listen, baby.
Either bust out a blowjob
or I will go get a pro
come and guzzle my shit like
champagne, click, click."
Hold on, I got the best one.
This is one we can
all identify with.
How about you got
a guy who has a,
let's just say a nagging sister.
She's a class A
complainer, alright?
A real fucking woo!
"I give you love all my
life and nobody loves me."
She's just nagging the
shit out of him, right?
And so our guy, he hires
his buddy to date her
and to take her and bingo!
The fucking sister's off his
ass and the problem is solved.
You wanna know why?
Because this guy had the
money, he had the money!
How'd he get the money, Greg?
I'll answer the question.
He got the money because
he invests with Midway.
That's it, money solved
the fucking problem.
And here's the tagline.
Afraid to invest with Midway?
Then you don't deserve money.
It's a no excuses
campaign, right?
You got the balls and
we'll get you the money!
- Meeting's over.
Sit down.
Take a seat.
I gather you're under
a little bit of stress.
What's going on?
- It's me.
- Excuse me?
- It's my mess.
- Who the hell
else's would it be?
- Everybody else's
I thought.
All I wanted was just
to nail this campaign.
You know, I just
don't want to be stuck
making kids commercials
for the rest of my life!
- Calm down.
- I can't calm down.
If I'm calm, people
just walk all over me.
I just let them walk all over me
and I can't be
walked over anymore.
I've got to do this.
I want Midway, I need Midway,
and I don't know why I just
couldn't fucking do it!
- Grow up!
God's sakes.
You're great with
the kids stuff.
So you hit a wall.
It's not the end of the
world, it's not defeat.
I've seen people waste
their entire lives
trying to become something that
they're never gonna become.
So maybe this is who you are.
Maybe you're the little kid guy.
- No, no, you're not
getting me, Mr. Milk.
- I get that you are
out of your depth here
and that you're off of Midway.
- I'm either off
Midway or I'm fired?
Then I guess I'm fired.
- Talent is a harder thing
to ride than pity is.
It's your call.
- How about I take my
vacation time next week
and I earn back
the Midway account?
- Oh, what the hell.
Everybody fucks up once, right?
I know I did. (LAUGHS)
Thanks for the driving
directions to Palm Springs.
I will have my cell, but
I am not checking email.
- Okay.
Well, I will be available
24-7 to bounce ideas off of.
- I might just take
you up on that.
But please, please do not
give out my hotel information
to anyone, especially my mom.
- Okay.
Go, mad man, go.
- [RECORDING] You got
Marty's home phone,
tell me something good.
- Mom, are you okay?
- I'm not okay.
I'm not okay, I'm
not okay, I'm not
- Rawl?
What the fuck?
- She said if I truly loved her,
I'd understand and
I'd stop bugging her,
but I don't understand,
I don't understand.
I mean, I want to see her.
I need to see her.
You must have told
her about our deal.
- I didn't tell her shit.
- I've never needed
anyone before.
It hurts.
I can't take it, I
need to make it stop.
- You're overreacting.
She's probably just
playing hard to get again.
- She put call
blocking on my number.
- Oh.
- Can't take it.
I can't take it, I can't
take it, I can't take it,
I can't take it!
- So don't take it, man.
- Okay.
- Okay what?
- I won't take it.
- How you gonna do that?
- Sorry, Marty.
I've ruined everything.
- Not your fault.
It's mine.
- I will make these
feelings stop.
- Rawl, you're not gonna do
anything stupid, are you?
- I'll make them stop.
- What?
- Come on, come on, come on.
We are fucked, we are fucked.
He's been gone
since you got off the
phone with him yesterday.
I have no concept
of where he is.
- I do.
- The laundromat?
- Why, does he stink?
- No, actually I liked
the way he smells.
It smells like baseball cards
fresh out of the package.
It's nice.
The laundromat,
that's a good place
Something about all those clothes
are going round and round
and they're sudsy.
And the more they
spin, the more you see.
The more you see, so, okay,
he thinks he's in love, right?
- No.
I've been there before.
It's not love anymore.
- Alright, you're right.
Maybe love has a way
of tilting into crazy.
- Fuck, man, we gotta find him.
In college, I had to talk
him out of killing himself
almost every semester.
- Oh.
Well, I checked the laundry
room and the basement,
I called the laundromat
down the block.
- He's not at a
fucking laundromat!
- Then he doesn't know
what he's missing.
- Look, he's probably just
lurking around my mom's place.
- You think he's
gonna drop the bomb,
tell your mom he's your whore?
- I don't think so.
I mean, that's what
I love about him,
he'd never hurt anyone.
- Or pay them to.
- Thanks.
I guess that's what
I'm born to do.
- Come on, buddy, I'm sorry.
I've seen those bananas
for brains ads you wrote.
Bananas for brains,
bananas for brains
You can think all you want
but it's bananas the same
- It's cute, you're
a sweetheart.
- Rupert, I know you're
afraid to leave this apartment,
but I need your help
searching for him.
Can you handle the outside?
You can.
- I used to be afraid,
but now I'm like afraid
of not being afraid, it's
a whole other level of
- Right, are you coming or not?
- Yes.
Yes, yes.
I'm coming, but I'm gonna
need you to hold my hand
because I haven't left
this building in 27 months.
Please hold my hand.
- [MARTY] You okay?
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, do you think we can
get some ice cream later?
- Hey, guy.
Buddy, over here.
- What?
- It wouldn't kill you
to order something.
- If only suicide was that easy.
- We're fresh out of cyanide.
How about an espresso?
- Why not?
- So you keeping your eyes
peeled on the other side
of the street, man?
- Yeah.
It's nice being out.
I'm really set being inside.
It's just a solid feeling,
not needing anything.
- So does this mean I can
let go of your fucking hand?
- No!
No, no, no, no!
- Okay.
Come on.
- Hey, easy, maestro.
Hey, relax.
You slugged back enough
caffeine to wire a small city.
Hey, you're done.
I'm cutting your
ass off, this is it.
- Why not?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Get down, get down.
Come on, man, get
off the counter.
Not on the walls!
- Why not?
- Don't touch the customers.
- Why not?
- Don't touch the customers.
No, come on, no, no.
Hey, what did I just say?
Hey, I just said no
customers, no customers.
Alright, show's over, okay, pal?
Show's over, you're done,
you're done, you're out of here.
Go home, take a powder, buddy.
- Why not?
Why not?
Why not!
- Yeah, and people say
"Oh, it's a bad thing,"
the internet making it
easy for guys like me
to stay at home.
I think they're right, you know?
It's kind of fun getting
out in the world.
(LAUGHS) I really like it.
- Because if you do, I'll
knock your ass backwards.
- Why not?
- Rawl in his undies.
Rawl in his undies!
That's Rawl, Rawl in his undies!
- I gotta put you down.
- Oh, oh.
- Shit.
Oh, I'm outside.
I'm touching the ground,
I'm touching the ground!
- Got another asshole.
- Let's get this nutjob.
- Then he goes like this.
Come on, cut him on that side.
Son of a bitch.
- Rawl.
There he goes.
- Stay right there.
Up against the car, let's go.
- Wait, wait!
- [RUPERT] Police brutality,
police brutality!
- What happened, what happened?
- She took the love away man.
- Police brutality!
- Hey, stay the hell back.
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Where are you taking him?
- He's going to second precinct.
- It's alright, Rawl.
- No peace, no justice.
No peace, no justice!
- Shut up.
Just shut up.
Shut up.
- [RUPERT] No peace, no justice!
- Shut up!
- I needed that.
- [MARTY] So he's
gonna be okay, right?
- He seems fine for right now,
but we're holding him overnight.
If he passes the
psych evaluation,
the judge will let him
out with counseling.
If he can pay the $1,800 fine.
- I got that covered.
So where do I pick
him up tomorrow?
- Tomorrow?
He's gotta go
through the system.
He ain't gonna be out
for at least three days.
- You said he's fine.
Why is it gonna take three days?
- Don't ask me.
That's just the way they've
always done things around here.
- Mom?
It's me, it's Marty, you here?
Hey, Larry.
- Hey, Marty, man.
What are you doing in town?
It's not even the holidays.
- Yeah, I'm surprising my
mom, but she's not home yet.
Do you know where she is?
- Well, let me see.
She was in this morning bitching
about the Staverson
Senior Center.
They're employing
unlicensed nurses.
- Alright, Staverson.
Thanks, Larry.
Take care.
- Alice.
Do you like the nurses?
- What?
- The nurses, do
you like the nurses?
- Are the nurses
treating you alright?
Do you like the nurses?
- No, they yell too much.
- Hi everybody, how's it going?
Just wanted to know how the
staff is treating everyone.
- Hey, what do you expect?
These days, young
people are a disgrace.
- Now, Herb, there's nothing
wrong with kids these days.
- I'm a little
concerned about him.
What's going on?
- He's taking Percocet.
- I think they're
overmedicating him.
I don't think this is good.
- Mom.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god!
Everybody, this is my son
Marty, Marty from California!
- I need to talk to you.
- What are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you
about your new boyfriend.
- What?
Is everything okay?
Marty, what's going on?
- I paid him.
I paid him to see you.
- Excuse me?
- Your boyfriend, Rawl.
He's an old buddy of mine.
He needed the cash, so
So I got him to romance you.
- So you're saying that
you paid Rawl to see me?
- All I knew was just that
you were suffocating me,
you know?
I needed your
misery off my back!
- You ungrateful,
rotten, spoiled bastard.
- What's so ungrateful?
The best thing my son ever
gave me was a dishwasher.
- Shut up!
How dare you manipulate
my life like this?
- Benny, Benny, Benny, wake up.
- They serving Jello?
- You want my misery off of your back?
- No, this kid just sent
a whore to seduce his mom.
- I have made so many
sacrifices for you.
I have fed you, I
have clothed you,
I'm still paying off
your fucking education.
How dare you manipulate
my life like this!
- You punish me!
You punish me for being born!
- You are out of your mind!
- You just said it.
Look what you said,
after all the sacrifices
you made for me.
- That's not what I meant.
You're making me so
angry and confused!
- But that's what
it feels like to me!
You understand?
I mean, maybe that's why you
blanket me with all your shit,
constantly complaining
about problems,
problems I can't solve.
I mean, whenever I have
moments of happiness,
it just turns into guilt
because I know you're
fucking miserable.
- I am not trying to
sabotage your life.
Who am I supposed to
talk to if not my son?
- But that's it, you
see, just you turn to me.
You turn to me with
problems that I can't solve
and you don't want solutions.
- Of course I want solutions!
- No, you don't!
No, you don't, because at
some point in your life,
you decided that life is
one big fucking problem.
All my life, you
played the victim,
from blaming your dad
for not doing enough
to blaming my father, my
father for screwing you over.
It's always the world
that shit on you.
I was just so sick
of sharing your pain.
So yeah, yeah, I sent you a
man, I sent you a good man,
a man of compassion just
to show you a little joy
and what do you do?
You just kick him
right out of your life.
What was it this time, right?
Not pretty enough?
Too old?
It's the government's fault?
We live in a sad, brutal
fucking world, right, Mom?
- I don't have to
listen to this!
- Well, I don't have
to live it anymore!
It's killing me!
You forget you have a son!
You have a son!
- Hey.
- You're smiling.
I can't believe you're
smiling, you're in jail.
It's my fault.
- Marty, I once spent three
weeks in a ditch in Damascus.
By comparison, this place is
pretty much a boutique hotel.
- I selfishly used you.
How can you be okay with that?
- I've transcended.
- You've got cappuccino
in your cell?
- Marty, I've spent
the last nine years
as a traveling nomad,
seeking to find myself.
I can feel this.
I've done everything,
everything you can imagine,
from Zen to acid.
I thought I'd changed, but
I haven't, not really.
My needs weren't met.
Until Judith.
- You need my mom?
- Yeah.
But not anymore.
It's thanks to your setup.
You know, I felt safe in it
because I knew the
connection wasn't real.
I'd nothing to lose.
I could finally let my walls
down after all these years.
And then it became real.
With me, not Judith, but
Then I finally survived my
fear of what would happen
if I exposed myself and
then I was left alone.
- But I
I conned you, man
- Wait, buddy.
- You were hurt badly,
you flipped out,
and you're in jail, and
you could have died.
- I've never felt more alive!
I don't fear love, I
don't fear losing it.
I have courage now.
Marty, all these years I
thought the key to happiness
was freedom.
So I traveled, I left, I spent
years bumming around rootless.
It felt good.
I felt good a lot of the
time, but real happiness,
Marty, real happiness
was eluding me till now.
Now I know the key to freedom.
It's courage.
I have courage
now, thanks to you.
- Jesus, man.
If you were so
scared of intimacy,
why didn't you
just use a condom?
- Oh.
Time to go.
I'm teaching yoga in
here at the moment.
- It's great.
- Yoga?
- See ya, bye.
- Hey, when do we
get to go to Peru?
They have this shaman there
that can read your future
by the rings around your anus.
- (LAUGHS) That's good.
- Are you sure you
want to take that
to be your business partner?
- You kidding me?
He's got more drive than a tank.
- Woohoo, world, here I come!
- Great, planetary
Herpes for all.
- You ever traveled this
long by yourself before?
- No, never.
But I'm taking a bus to LA,
I'm gonna get my
thoughts together,
and I'm doing it, man.
You know, I want to
thank you, Marty.
Being used never felt so good.
- You think maybe it's
getting laid after 10 years
that felt good, you asshole?
- You freed me in more
ways than you'll ever know.
- Just stick to the decaf, okay?
- You're late!
- They were just all being
maintained, the subway system.
Okay, I may have
left a little late.
- How'd you know I'd be here?
- I called her.
- All I know is that you
made too much damn sense
the other day for me
not to give you a hug.
- Mom.
- I love you honey.
- I just want you to be happy.
- I know.
I'm so proud of the man
that you have become.
- Hey, you son of a bitch,
you got a bus to catch.
- Alright.
- Don't forget to
send a postcard.
- You know, I've
never written one.
- It's easy.
Just write about why
you are where you are.
- And the hand you
held to get there.
- [MARTY] Midway
wants us to invest.
Investing is taking
charge of your life.
And I've learned if you don't
take charge of your life,
somebody else will.
Could be your boss, your lover,
even your mother.
We unknowingly take responsibility
for everyone's happiness
but our own.
We're gonna show
challenging your assumptions
is the Midway.
In a laboratory, three blue-collared
monkeys sit in a cage
with a staircase inside.
A scientist places a
banana on the top step.
The first monkey darts up
the steps to snatch it.
Right before he can
grab the banana,
a scientist stops him by
spraying all three monkeys
with ice cold water.
Now, the second monkey
takes his chances.
He goes for the banana,
but the other monkeys,
they force him back,
not wanting another ice bath.
Now the scientist lifts
monkey one out of the cage
and replaces him with a new
chimp wearing a red collar.
He spots that yummy banana
and he heads up the steps,
but the other two
monkeys grab his butt
and refuse to let him go up.
Now the science nerds
take out the second monkey
and put in a chimp also
strapped with a red collar.
This poor little guy.
He heads to the steps, but
the other two beat him back.
Now those science guys take
out the original third monkey
and replace him with one
wearing another red collar.
This newest chimp,
feeling like a bite,
he goes for the banana steps.
But wouldn't you know
it, the other two,
they beat his ass down.
This victimized little
chimp, he turns to the others
and says "What was
that all about?"
The other monkey answers
"That's just the way
life's always
been around here."
Words appear.
Monkey see, monkey do?
Make your fate.
Just you.
Midway Investments.
- Nice job, Marty.
Good going.
I want to learn the world
It's not the same anymore
We can be friends
I love you, I can't pretend
I can finally start again
You make my heart mend
It was you
It was you and
now I'm a fool
It was you, it was you
It was you and
now I'm a fool
It was you, it was you
It was you and
now I'm a fool
It was you
It was you and
now I'm a fool
It was you, it was you