Bottoms (2023) Movie Script

[upbeat rock music playing]
[PJ] Tonight is
the fucking night, okay?
We've looked like shit
for years,
and we are developing.
I would say I'm actually
mostly developed.
We're finally hot.
At least, according to me.
We're getting out there.
We're getting in the cooch,
my girl.
We are getting in the puss
and we're gettin' wet.
Man, speak for yourself.
Nobody's gonna wanna
fuck me this year,
just like nobody wanted
to fuck me last year
or the year before.
Okay, well, I'm gonna talk
to Brittany.
I think that it's time.
Oh, really? It's time?
There wasn't time
in the last 11 years
we've all been going
to school together?
I've been building tension.
You know,
you could say hi to Isabel.
Yeah, okay.
And just what would I say?
Like, "Hey, girl, what's up?
How's your boyfriend?
How's his penis?
Still awesome and big
and throbbing and, uh,
like a male penis?"
They could have broken up,
you never know.
The fair is like
a completely fresh start.
I'm not doin' that
with Isabel,
you know what I mean?
Like, I'm... I'm...
I'm playin' the long game
with her, okay?
- Mmm.
- Here's how it's gonna
shake out.
I don't speak to the bitch
for years.
Bam! It's the 20th
high school reunion.
I show up,
I'm in a little suit
like the lesbian I am,
you know what I mean?
It's probably white, okay?
She looks at me,
I look back at her.
What the fuck happened to her?
She's washed up.
I mean Jeff has
run her ragged.
That's when my ass
swoops in, okay?
That made me so sad.
What? Okay.
Josie, tick-tock.
We're not gonna be sexy
little high schoolers forever.
Soon we're gonna be old hags
in college.
Do you wanna be the only
girl virgin at Sarah Lawrence?
Yeah, honestly, maybe.
I might have a good shot
that way.
I don't need this negative,
really sad attitude. Please.
What the fuck are you wearing?
It's really not too late
to turn around, you know?
I think you wanna be here.
Who said that?
- Where'd you get that idea?
- I'm just feeling...
You're getting nervous because
of how excited you are.
- No. No, no.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, and we're crossing.
And we're getting in there.
No, I can't, I'm sorry.
Ahhh! Fuck, my arm!
There's nothing wrong
with your arm.
You have Munchausen's.
Look, just follow my lead.
- Hello, ladies.
- [girl 1] Oh.
[girl 2 chuckles] Oh.
You know what?
- Just keep going.
- [PJ] How was your summer?
- Good to see you.
- Okay, you know what?
Uh, it's not gonna
happen, okay?
This school has such
a gay problem.
Okay, no.
No one hates us for being gay.
Everyone hates us for being
gay, untalented, and ugly.
Like, look at Matthieu.
[boy] Rock on, man. Killin' it.
I love what you're doing
with the school play.
- Thanks, bitch.
- [Matthieu and boy chuckle]
- Fuck!
- Yeah.
Knocks it out of the park,
every year.
- Every show.
- Yeah.
- [Isabel giggles]
- [PJ] Ooh. Popcorn.
Don't mind if I do.
- [gentle music playing]
- [laughing]
- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Hazel.
Oh, hey, Hazel.
How was your summer?
Were you with your uncle
at the slop farm?
If you mean volunteering at
the National Meat Association,
yeah, it was good.
What are you guys doing here?
You guys never come
to the fair.
What happened to your arm?
Oh, my God,
she ate shit is what happened.
She ate literal shit?
What the fuck?
- Mmm.
- Or did you get beat up again?
[Josie] No, I just tripped
and I--
Or were you jumped?
Was it spy camp?
Did you go to juvie?
- Yeah, we went to juvie.
- [man] Ladies and gentlemen...
- Oh, my God, it was juvie?
- ... it's time to get ready,
get wild, and get horny
for our very own Vikings!
Oh, my God, what did you do?
- [Josie yelping]
- [man] And the man
who will lead us to victory
against the evil, maniacal,
Huntington Ferrets,
let's hear it for Jeff!
[girl 3] Jeff! Have my babies!
[girl 4] Jeff,
fill me with your seed!
- [crowd cheers]
- [PJ groans]
[PJ] I just don't get why girls
like guys like that.
It's like they're like dogs,
or pigs, or is there a...
What's the grossest animal?
[girl 5] Jeff,
come sign my tits!
- [whistle blows]
- [girl 6] Eat my pussy!
That's right.
Oh, fuck. Uh, Hazel.
Gimme that.
Josie, take this. Take this.
- Take this.
- [Josie] No.
Really quick.
This is the moment.
Stop yelling at me!
Could you give that back
really quickly?
- Hey, Brittany.
- PJ.
[PJ] I am loving all the...
holes in your pants.
You look like
a little Dutch boy.
[PJ] Thank you.
So, Britt...
Can I call you Britt?
I prefer if you just
called me my name.
- Britt-a-nay. Um, but...
- [Brittany] No, not that.
[PJ] Brittany.
Are you thinking of riding
the Ferris wheel
at all tonight?
I wasn't. I'm going
on the puke and duke.
I need to pull trig.
- No, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.
I'm gonna say something crazy.
I think you could eat food,
digest it, let it marinate,
poop it out.
Mmm, gross.
Maybe this?
You want a bite of this?
- [Brittany] Oh, no.
- Yeah, this is fucking
disgusting. Ugh.
You want a hot dog?
We could go get hot dogs.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, we could get the bun
and the ketchup.
- No bun. No.
- You gotta get the bun.
- Yes, you could.
- No.
No bun. [clears throat] Okay.
Um, Isabel.
Josie was just saying
something similar to me.
I don't think so.
[PJ] I think so.
It was really good.
It was super funny.
[PJ clears throat]
You're just so--
You're skinny too, as well.
I'm Josie, by the way,
good evening.
Yeah, you're skinny--
You're real skinny minnie,
aren't ya?
You probably should eat.
They're gonna send you
to the hospital
with how skinny you are.
Uh-oh, call the doctor.
Skinny girl, I see.
Okay, do you guys want
any of our tickets?
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
[groans] Fuck! Fuck!
I don't want to say it,
but we're fucked.
You know what? I'm good.
'Cause it's not gonna happen
for me.
If it's not happening here,
then it's definitely not
happening at Emerson, okay?
I'm done trying to sow
my damn oats.
- No.
- I'm packing up my vagina
and I'm fucking Matthieu.
That's the only hope for me.
- No.
- It's me and Matthieu, man.
And 'cause he's gay
and fearless,
he's probably gonna fuck me
without protection.
Then I'm gonna get pregnant.
We're going to have
to join a church.
He'll be the gay pastor.
My whole life's fucked!
And yeah, sure,
his sermons are good,
but everybody knows
he's fruity.
Everybody knows
he's fucking fruity!
By the way, our son, Hezekiah,
hates us
'cause he knows
we're both closeted,
but we try to make it
work for him,
but he's not happy.
And yeah, guess what?
The deacon's fucking
the evangelist, man!
He's fucking the evangelist!
[crying] I don't wanna
live like that.
Will you come and visit us
on Sundays?
Please, will you come
and visit us on Sundays?
- [Jeff] Isabel.
- [Isabel] Leave me alone!
- Stop following me.
- Wait, shut up.
- What?
- Look.
- [Isabel] Don't touch me.
- Isabel, baby.
My teeny, tiny baby girl.
Why do you always have
to flirt with other women?
It doesn't count
if they're not in high school.
Especially Mrs. Reilly!
- Josie, offer her a ride.
- I don't think so.
Yes, come on.
...Irish Catholic.
- And I'm regular Christian!
- [groaning in frustration]
- [PJ] Josie, ask her. Come on.
- [Josie] PJ, stop.
[Jeff grunts]
You're hurting my head.
You're attacking me,
and it's giving me a migraine.
And it's giving me PTSD
about all the other times
I've had migraines.
- Just do it now.
- No.
- Just go fucking ask her.
- No. Isabel, would you
like a safety ride?
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.
- [Jeff] Isabel...
- [Isabel breathes heavily]
Get out of the car.
You can't tell me what to do.
- Yeah, no, he can't.
- [Jeff] Okay,
I'm sorry that I looked
at Mrs. Reilly
and lightly grazed
her left tit, all right?
- Move, you prick!
- [groans]
Uh, excuse me,
she said, "Move, prick."
Don't talk to me,
you ugly bitch, okay?
I do not talk to girls
in overalls.
- Hey.
- Okay, I might be ugly,
but these aren't overalls.
Isabel, get out
of the freaking car! Get out!
Get out! Come on.
- I feel like
we should just drive.
- Drive.
- Drive.
- Let's just go.
Please. You're being
really mean right now.
- He'll move.
- He's not moving.
[Isabel] He's gonna move.
- [PJ] We're about to drive.
- Isabel.
- Drive. He'll move.
- [PJ] Just drive. Josie, go.
- Three, two one...
- Pedal to the metal. Drive!
[tires screech]
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
- [Jeff groaning]
- [Josie] Are you...
Are you okay?
When people move cars,
don't people move?
Jeffrey, I'm coming!
I'm coming!
You're not alone.
You're not alone.
- Back up! Back up! [screams]
- We didn't even do anything.
- No, come here. [grunting]
- [groaning]
- Man down! Man down!
- [Jeff] You!
[PJ] Oh, my God.
- I'm... I'm blacking out.
- No, stay with me.
[PJ] We should go. Let's go.
- Let's go.
- Yeah. Okay.
Let's just kind of
peel on out.
- [Josie] Fine.
- What did you do to him?
Buckle it for me. Fuck!
- [Jeff wailing]
- You fucking cowards!
You better fucking run!
[Jeff] I don't understand.
What the fuck? [sobs]
[yelling] They're not gonna
get away with this!
[Jeff crying]
[Principal Meyers, over PA]
The library
is out of use again.
Huntington shot up
our remaining books,
so there will be no reading
again this year. Thank you.
Oh, Brittany was just so cute
last night.
Like, "No, I can't eat
a hot dog.
I know I won't even digest it.
I have to throw up."
And I was, like,
"You can have it."
She's like, "No, not, just...
Maybe, but not the bun."
Oh, it was just really sweet.
You had to be there.
I was there.
Are you serious?
I got "faggot number two"
this time?
You're the sidekick, not me.
'Sup, Ted? How's the family?
Sick. Yeah, you know
what to do.
Do you feel like people
are looking at us?
Like, more than usual?
I don't know.
Did you period yourself?
Mmm... Mmm-mmm. Hey, Sylvie.
[ominous music playing]
Holy shit. Are you guys okay?
What? Yeah.
- Why wouldn't we be okay?
- [Mr. G] All right, kiddos.
Welcome back to class.
Hey! The prep club worked hard
on those.
That belongs to the school.
Oh, cool.
So, does your vagina.
[scoffs] Nice try, PJ,
but my vagina belongs
to the government.
All right, check it out.
- Today I got a special
lesson for all of you.
- Josie, so, how'd you do it?
Do what?
[grunts, pants]
[boy] Holy shit. Is he okay?
[Mr. G] Hey, you good, man?
- [Jeff groans]
- What the fuck?
- [Mr. G] Yeah, okay, so...
- What the fuck?
[Mr. G] Meanwhile,
back at the ranch...
Okay, so, did he fight back?
No, literally, how did it go?
Did he fight back?
- I hope you broke a bone.
- If you need a shoulder
or anything,
just let me know...
I heard you did
something to him,
I just don't know what.
...and I'll totally let you
lean on me.
No, but like honestly,
how did you do it?
Oh, my God.
Annie, they went to juvie.
That's how, okay?
[Jeff] Hey. Hey. Hey, you.
Overall bitch.
This is you.
- [students gasp]
- God damn it, Jeff.
What the fuck?
Hey, you couldn't make
that analogy with your fists?
[PA chimes]
[over PA] Hello,
this is Principal Meyers
with an important
Huntington update.
So, listen to this girl.
[Shelly] Last night,
outside the fair,
a Huntington player
followed me home,
pinned me against my car
and punched me in the face.
And now my face
is totally fucked.
[Sylvie] Fuck.
[Principal Meyers]
We haven't faced the violence
of Huntington for 20 years.
They think they can get
in our heads
by picking on our weak
and defenseless.
Well, we can't let them
break our spirit, folks.
Keep your heads in the game.
They're gonna pork us!
- We're fucked!
- I'm screwed.
Hey. Hey, calm down
just a little bit.
Oh, great. More violence.
Just what this school needs.
[bell rings]
Seriously, that's...
that's it?
- That's class?
- Latte. [snaps fingers]
Get my shit.
[PJ] Solid class.
[Hazel groans]
[Isabel] Hey.
Josie, right?
I heard you, like, beat up
my boyfriend last night?
Um, weren't you there?
I heard you guys ate
literal shit
- and killed girls in juvie.
- [PJ] Really?
Um, what did you think
about that?
- [PA chimes]
- [Principal Meyers] Excuse me.
Could the ugly,
untalented gays
please report
to the principal's office?
Guess that's you guys.
Hello, Principal Meyers.
First of all, I want to say,
God bless--
- Shut up. You know why you're here.
- I don't, actually...
For committing a crime
against Jeff.
Our quarterback
and the most good-looking,
all-American, red-blooded,
muscular man
this town has ever seen.
Sir, please,
look in the mirror.
- Shush.
- Okay.
The homecoming game
with Huntington
is nearly a month away.
Do you know how long we've
been working toward this?
- Yes.
- Yes. It's everywhere.
- [Josie] Twenty years.
- [PJ] Couldn't be clearer.
[Josie] I think I can explain.
I can explain.
Jeff is psychotic,
and he tried to murder us.
[Principal Meyers] Ha! Sure.
You're all victims, and girls
are always right. Right?
Yeah, actually.
How come you can't buck up
and learn to protect yourselves
without running somebody over?
Maybe it's because we're small
and he's giant.
So, we needed to use
a little machinery.
Did you ever think
of that, sir?
- Can we just explain ourselves?
- Maybe I should buy a gun.
Okay. What? What?
Don't buy a gun.
Nobody said buy a gun.
- Can we just
calm down, everybody.
- Zip it.
- You know what?
- What?
- I'm gonna expel you both.
- No!
- No! No!
- [Principal Meyers] Yes! Yes!
You have to understand that
this was a misunderstanding.
- Really?
- We were just practicing...
for our self-defense club.
Self-defense-- What is that?
- [Josie] Uh...
- Is it like a fight club?
- Well, here's the thing--
- Yes! Yes!
- Uh...
- Yes! Yes!
A fight club.
Where we fuckin' beat
each other up and shit.
- No, we don't.
- Yes.
No, we don't. Shut up.
Okay, you know what?
I don't care. Fuck it!
- I don't care.
- You're over it, okay.
Yeah. You can beat the shit
out of each other
while you perform
The Vagina Monologues.
Just stay in your lane
until you're munching beaver
at Wesleyan.
Yes, sir.
[Hazel] I can't believe
they're letting you guys
start a fight club.
No, they're... they're not.
We are not.
What are you talking about?
We're gonna do it.
We're doing it.
PJ, I wasn't being serious.
Josie, did you see the way
that Isabel and Brittany
were looking at us?
- [Josie groans]
- Also, you heard
the announcements.
Girls are terrified.
It's perfect. They need this.
Okay, no. They need,
like, mace, maybe.
We can't do that, okay?
We'd be misleading them.
Guys do that
all the time, okay?
That's the point of feminism.
That's not the point
of feminism.
You also don't care
about feminism.
Your favorite show
is Entourage.
You're missing the point!
I don't really think I am.
We don't know how to fight.
You guys probably
fought girls in juvie.
No, we were lying about that,
- [grunts frustratedly]
- About juvie?
- [PJ] Yeah, I mean, what?
- Why would you lie to me?
You were the one who said
we went to juvie.
I just didn't correct you.
Listen, self-defense
is instinctual common sense.
You try to punch me
in the face,
I stop it from happening.
Whatever. I don't care.
It's easy.
Look, this is how we do this.
Okay, we start with Taekwondo.
Which I've got covered.
And then you guys can move
on to air punches.
[PJ] Hub-bub-bub-bub.
Who do we know?
Who do we know?
I'll bring Stella-Rebecca.
[Josie and PJ]
You know Stella-Rebecca?
Stella-Rebecca who models
at car conventions
- in Chicago on the weekends?
- Yeah, we're family friends.
Okay, great.
Well, then bring her.
[Josie sighs]
- Josie.
- What?
- We're doing this.
- No.
Yeah. Listen to me.
We teach a bunch of girls
how to defend themselves
against the evil,
Huntington killers.
They are grateful to us.
We build a community, we bond,
we share, we connect.
We're punching each other,
adrenaline is flowing.
Next thing you know,
Isabel and Brittany
are kissing us on the mouths.
- [player 1] Jeffrey!
- [PJ] Josie...
Isabel knew your name.
- [player 2] Back from the dead.
- If we do this...
- Mmm-hmm.
- Very big "if,"
we just run the risk
of becoming
even bigger losers
than we already are right now.
And I hate to break it to you,
but we're pretty big losers.
And that is the beauty.
That is the beauty of this.
Because we are literally
at the bottom.
We're the lowest of the low.
- Okay.
- We have nowhere to go but up.
Listen, I think this is
a good idea, okay?
There's a serious lack
of female solidarity
at this school.
Not the point, Hazel.
Not the point.
Yeah, I mean,
we just felt like
there's a serious lack
of female solidarity
at this school.
Anyways, totally come by.
See you later.
What's your plan here?
I don't need a plan.
My mom has a business.
All we have to do is yell.
[upbeat electronic
music playing]
[PJ sighs]
What's up, lads?
What the fuck?
- These girls are ugly.
- [Josie] Okay.
Where is Stella?
She was booked
for a car convention.
What? It's a Monday.
[Josie] Um, maybe we should go
- before someone cool shows up?
- [door opens]
Before I die? Pick one.
[Sylvie] Hey, Hazel.
Thanks for the invite.
I love David Fincher.
- [sighs] Oh, my God. Well...
- See?
I guess Sylvie's cute
if she lost her braces
and stopped huffing paint.
[Josie] She'll never stop
huffing paint.
[Hazel] So, I thought
we'd start...
- Okay.
- Sorry.
[PJ] All right.
Listen up,
you cunt-sucking
pieces of shit.
Welcome to our fucking
fight club.
Um, it's a self-defense club.
It's not really, "Fight."
So, as we know,
Huntington is on the prowl,
and they're picking
on the weak
and defenseless,
meaning all of you.
So, we're gonna teach you
how to not take shit.
We're gonna start
with dropkicks,
tackling, little bit
of knife play.
Then, punch-bucket,
which is when we throw you
in a bucket
and we punch you
until you bleed.
Before that,
perhaps stretches,
icebreakers, and trust falls.
Is that what happened
to you in juvie?
- Mmm. No. No.
- No.
Juvie was way crazier.
One time, this girl's
punching me in the rain.
Fall to my knees. It's muddy.
I get up. I'm blind.
Punch her right
in the middle of her face.
Broke her fuckin' nose.
Care to share?
Yeah, all right.
Juvie was insane.
Once a girl tried to kill me
with rat poison,
so I took her outside
and I punched her
till she died.
So, you killed a girl?
Uh, no.
Because the ambulance came
and revived her
and we actually had a really
productive conversation
when she came back
to life, so...
Um, since Josie
literally killed a girl--
She came back to life.
Mmm. But I remember her
being dead
for at least a couple minutes.
Josie is gonna start
by showing you all
how to effectively throw
a solid punch.
Josie, if you'll step forward.
No, I don't wanna do that.
- What's the problem?
- There's no problem. I just...
No, I'm just not gonna do it.
Come on, they wanna see
the punch.
- They don't wanna see it.
- They wanna see. Look at them.
They wanna see the punch.
Who am I gonna punch?
Punch me. Just punch me.
- Punch you?
- Yeah, come on.
I can punch you.
Yeah. I know how
to take a punch.
Something people
would always say,
"PJ knows how
to take a punch."
- Come on up.
- [Josie grunts]
Oh! [groans, thuds]
Oh, fuck!
- [Josie sighs]
- [PJ breathing heavily]
Will there an advisor
for this club?
Because we'll be suspended
if there isn't.
Who is gonna be dumb enough
to endorse a club
where we punch each other
in the face?
The Holocaust. It happened.
Yes, it did.
But how? The seeds were sown
in the Treaty of Versailles,
which y'all are gonna reenact
while I do some little reading
over here.
[PJ] I mean, he's perfect.
[Josie] No.
- What?
- No.
Dude, we're not
fucking doing this.
I broke your nose.
Yeah, and I've never
had so many girls
look at me in my life.
Fuck! When did you show up?
Hey, guys. [chuckles]
I just wanted to say thank you
so much for last night.
It was just so great,
and I was thinking,
like, if Huntington and me were
in an alleyway
and they were coming at me
with, like, swords
and, like, knives
and, like, guns and stuff,
and you taught me how
to punch like that,
then I wouldn't die.
- That's so great, Sylvie.
- Okay.
But, unfortunately,
Josie doesn't want
to do the club anymore.
What? Why?
I don't know.
Why? It was just
so empowering.
What was empowering?
- Oh, my God, hi. Um...
- [players groaning]
Just, we have a fight club.
It was our fight club
for, um, female solidarity
at this school, which we lack.
- [bell rings]
- Isabel, let's go.
[Isabel giggles] Hi, boo-boo.
- I'm so strong.
- [Isabel giggles]
[whimsical music playing]
I mean...
[chuckling mischievously]
- [PJ] Mr. G, G-man, G-dog.
- [Josie sighs]
Great class today.
Hey, uh, girl.
Thanks for coming in today.
We have to come in.
It's class.
Try telling
Dimitri Walker that.
Little motherfucker came
the first week
and I ain't seen him since.
Dimitri Walker
committed suicide
the first week of school,
Mr. G.
[chuckles] Sure, he did.
Anyways, um, we were wondering
if you wanted
to be our club advisor.
- What kind of club is that?
- [PJ] It's a women's club.
We talk about women's issues.
For example,
declining egg count,
But long ones.
Long denim skirts.
Feminism is what she's saying.
Feminism as a... as a whole.
Why don't you just ask
one of the female teachers?
Mmm. Thought about that,
but we hate them.
- Makes sense.
- [PJ] Yeah.
Listen. I'm kind of,
you know,
retiling the bathroom.
- [PJ] Mmm-hmm.
- Uh, I gotta be at the co-op.
And I'm also dealing with
some relationship drama, so...
Back to the club,
maybe this will be a great way
to take your mind off
of stuff.
[Josie] Can I be honest?
You're a man
who's not coping
with what's going on.
- Yeah.
- You know what?
My mom did say I need
to pick up a hobby.
And here's one thing
- my mom's always said to me.
- [PJ] Mmm.
Sometimes, when you have
a new hobby,
- don't show up.
- Yeah.
[Josie] It's, like, you can be
our club advisor,
- but you don't even
come to the dang club.
- No.
By the way,
great way to be an ally.
That's my favorite way
to be an ally.
You just say
you're doing something
and then you don't do
any of those things.
You know what I mean?
You say, "I support women."
You don't.
Don't come. Yeah.
You know what? I'll sign off
on your period club.
- Amazing.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Really?
- Okay.
- [PJ] So cool.
How many girls go
to this school, again?
Oh, my God, and again,
they're all sixes at best.
Hey, guys.
[PJ] Mmm. Well, at least
Stella-Rebecca is here.
Are you stressed?
Because I'm stressed.
[Mr. G] Hey, ladies.
Let's get it popping
in this motherfucker.
All right. Um...
Hello, everybody.
Okay, excuse me.
Sorry, I feel... Sorry.
[loud thumping]
Everybody, shut the fuck up!
This isn't a little
hangout, okay?
Oh, it's not a sleepover,
There are serious rules
that we need
to establish, 'kay?
be on time.
Except for you.
You come whenever you want.
What time is it?
- [Annie] 3:30.
- 3:30!
Club starts at 3:15.
Not 3:16.
[scoffs] Not 3:17,
but the doors close at 3:15.
No exceptions.
I don't care if you're like...
- [door opens]
- "Oh, but I had to go
to extra help for math
because I... I need
to get a full ride
because my mom
lives in a trailer
and she loves her boyfriend
more than me."
La, la, la. Blah, blah, blah.
Shut up, okay?
My dad left me,
and I'm incredibly punctual.
Um, hey, guys. Come on in.
[PJ] Uh, we're just getting
started here.
So, um...
Today I think we're gonna
start with some body contact.
We're gonna do wrestling.
I think I need a volunteer.
Brittany, you're close to me.
You wanna...
I'm sorry. I thought
we weren't allowed to be late.
- That's not true. It's about...
- Oh, that's about next week.
- Yeah, next week.
- So, the rules for next week.
Don't be late.
- But this week is good...
- [PJ] Yeah. No worries.
...if you're late.
Take it easy.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure.
This is a self-defense
class, right?
Where we can learn
to protect ourselves
against, like,
football players.
And Huntington? 'Cause, um,
they're gonna pork us.
[chuckles nervously, sighs]
They're gonna pork us.
I thought we were fighting
each other for money.
There's a cash prize, right?
[Isabel] I thought this was
to be part of, like,
a local underprivileged
female community.
My identity is completely
attached to hers,
so I just kind of go
wherever she goes.
Everyone's here
for a good reason.
So, uh, you know, like...
- Why are we nitpicking reasons?
- Yeah. How about this?
- Let's jump in. Right?
- Yeah. For sure.
- Love that.
- [PJ] Yeah.
- I'll go.
- Great. Yeah.
- [Annie grunts]
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. hey.
I don't know about this shit.
What the hell?
You didn't even warn me.
Okay, we didn't get
warnings at juvie.
- Look.
- [Josie] We can take it slower.
- [PJ] Okay.
- Maybe, yeah, try that.
Take that route.
Little slower.
Look. You just use
your natural instincts,
just come at me.
Whatever you want, 'kay?
- [PJ grunts]
- Oh, fuck.
- [girls gasp]
- [PJ] Okay.
That's great.
I say that we go again.
- Oh!
- [Annie] Ow, fuck! My back.
Oh, shit.
Man, we gotta shut this down.
We don't have to shut it down.
She's fine.
- Are you fine? Are you okay?
- Yeah, she's okay.
- She's totally fine.
- Shut this shit down.
- [Josie] No, wait, Mr. G.
- Shut this shit down.
No, don't blow the whistle.
Don't blow the whistle.
I know that,
you know, this is
a little messy right now
but, like, the only way
that we can learn
how to defend ourselves
is by teaching each other.
Huntington is coming.
[inspirational music playing]
We need this.
I know that things
might seem scary,
but that's okay, because...
Because you're gonna
be fucking pros.
- Is what I was gonna say. Yes.
- Yeah.
- Right?
- [Josie] Yes.
Crystal, I'm thinking of you.
You are never gonna
get assaulted
on your birthday again.
- Lucky number seven, okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
And I... I'm gonna finally
reverse-stalk my stalker.
Yeah, absolutely.
[Sylvie] And for me,
I'll be able
to kill my stepdad.
- Awesome.
- Okay.
[PJ] And if you believe
in yourselves
and you believe in us
and then you trust us,
I'm like,
"Let's fucking do this!"
- Yeah!
- [Josie] Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Okay.
So good.
- [girls cheering]
- [Sylvie] Yeah! Yes!
- Yeah!
- [Sylvie yells] Yeah!
Yes! Yes, queen, slay!
Yes! Yes!
Slay! Yeah!
[whistle blows]
["Pain" by
King Princess playing]
- [Josie] Yeah?
- Yeah. I'm just gonna go.
Yeah, for sure.
- [grunts]
- [Mr. G] Oh!
- Whenever you want.
- I will.
- [Hazel grunts]
- [girl 1] Whoa!
[Josie grunts]
- So, don't do that.
Don't do that.
- Don't do that, guys.
- That was not... Yeah.
- These things you don't do.
So, it's good to learn.
- [chuckles, grunts]
- Yeah.
[girls exclaim]
[Isabel laughs]
[PJ] Yeah, no,
we'll just do it.
What you should do.
- Yeah, yeah. For sure.
- [PJ] Yeah, yeah.
- [Josie grunting]
- [girls gasp]
[girls laughing]
- Wanna go again?
- Yeah, why not?
- [girls gasp]
- [PJ] Whoa.
Good job.
- [Annie exclaims]
- [girls gasp]
[girl 2] Yeah!
[Mr. G] Damn.
'Cause I can't help
Turning my love into pain
'Cause I can't help
Turning my love into pain
- [Josie] Come on!
- [girls cheering]
[fighters grunting]
- [screams]
- [Sylvie grunts]
- [fighters grunting]
- [girl 4] Yeah, okay!
[PJ] Nice. All right!
[girl 5] Oh, my God! Yes!
[fighters grunting]
[PJ] Keep it up, guys!
Shake it off. Shake it off.
Get back up.
[fighters grunting]
[girl 6 cheering]
- [PJ] Good work, guys.
- [girl 7] Yeah!
- [Brittany] Fight me off, PJ.
- [chuckles]
Stop smiling,
I'm kicking your ass.
[girls laughing]
[cheerleaders laughing]
You little bitch,
it's actually working.
I told you.
I know. I feel like
if we keep it up,
we can actually take on
Huntington, you guys.
No, if we keep it up,
we can put our fingers
inside of each other. Grow up.
All right.
You know, PJ,
I feel like people
are actually liking
more than just
the hitting and the tackling
part of the club.
Yeah, I know.
We're empowering them. Duh.
No, I mean, seriously,
to have a safe space
like this,
it means a lot to people,
and I think that if we took
some time to spend a meeting
and actually get
to know these girls,
like, it would be
really important,
instead of just, like,
sweating on them and...
Hazel, that is a genuinely
brilliant idea.
- Yeah.
- I love talking
about my trauma.
I literally jack off
after every single
- therapy session.
- What?
It just makes girls
weirdly horny. It does.
- Don't say "girls." It's you.
- Bonjour.
- [Josie groans]
- I just wanted to say
I'm loving what I'm hearing
about the club.
It seems so supportive
of women.
Especially the hot ones.
Yeah, well,
all women are hot to me.
Listen, it's really cute
and everything,
but we're getting
a little close to the game now
and, um...
I'm just a bit concerned
it might be taking away
attention from our team.
I think that's, like,
literally impossible to do.
[Josie] So, we know
that the club has been a place
where we can feel
empowered physically,
but we also thought
it could be
a safe space and a place
where we can open up
and talk about our feelings.
Okay, so who's been raped?
Just, you know,
raise your hand.
Gray area stuff counts too.
Everybody knows the situation
with my stepdad.
He's just obsessed
with Friday movie nights.
I mean, God, I get it,
you're my new stepdad, but...
fuck, whatever.
You know?
Every time I call the police
about my stalker,
they tell me to fill out
an online form.
And then the form
tells me to call,
so I call and then they say
they can't get involved
until he tries to kill me.
And he keeps saying
he's going to...
but that doesn't count.
So, it's just, like, annoying.
Been there.
We've all been there.
Well, I've been assaulted,
like, a million times,
but I'm more annoyed
that everyone knows me
for being beautiful
and popular
and no one knows
that I'm actually smart
and super driven.
Like, I literally own
a jewelry business
and no one talks about it!
[Hazel] Well, ever since
my parents' divorce,
my mom has been doing this,
like, midlife crisis.
I don't know how that's really
sitting with me, you know?
It's been really, really dark.
This has just been really
meaningful to me to, like,
get to know some new people
who actually want to,
like, get to know me.
- I want to bring it back
to Brittany for one second.
- I can go next,
if that's okay.
I don't really like talking
about juvie
and everything that happened
this summer, um...
You know, obviously,
we get a lot of props
or whatever
'cause people think
it's so badass.
But, really wasn't.
I mean, unless you consider
getting hazed horrifically
every single night,
like, badass. I mean, um,
obviously, you know,
we had to survive the Tributes
and, you know,
I did have to, like,
fight people basically
every single night.
People were betting on us
and we were given, like,
shivs and rusty pocket knives
and splintered wood
and, um, pipes as well.
And, um, we had to just,
like, fight people,
sometimes to the death.
Um, and I still hear
their screams at night,
um, and that guilt
probably will, like,
always shackle me forever.
I realize now, I don't have
to be that person anymore.
Like, I don't have
to just let things
happen to me
'cause of you guys.
And, um, I am,
like, really grateful
for what the club
has become and...
Just especially, you know,
from where we started
and, uh...
Yeah, sorry.
[chuckles] I feel like
I kinda killed the vibe.
I've never really,
I guess, said that
to anyone before. Sorry.
People wanna, like,
wrap up maybe or...
I'm going through a divorce.
Whoo! That shit felt
good to say.
Ooh, I'll tell y'all,
men... men need therapy.
[softly] Yeah.
[in normal voice]
I think that's a good place
to maybe wrap up.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Thank you, um, for that.
I don't know
what you're doing tomorrow,
but I was going to study
for Mr. G's women murdered
in history test,
if you wanna...
Yeah, okay, sure.
[man and woman
moaning in pleasure]
[woman giggles]
[man groans]
Oh, hi, honey.
What are you doing home
so early?
[grunts, groans]
Are you kidding me?
I had a long day. [chuckles]
[Jeff] Mrs. Callahan,
can I have a snack?
First club fundraiser.
I'm so excited.
Great turnout, right?
Hello, ladies.
Hi, Bill, Bob, Fred...
I don't know why anyone
wants my old, dirty underwear.
It's so weird. [chuckles]
Hey, Britt, uh, don't let 'em
touch in between your toes.
Thanks, PJ.
- [Hazel groaning]
- Ah. We're havin' fun.
We're selling panties.
You know, Brittany said she'd
make me a custom bracelet.
Very nice.
[PJ] Do you wanna,
um, celebrate?
We could get some chicken
on a stick tonight.
Um, I can't. Uh...
Isabel and I have plans, so...
[Hazel continues groaning]
You're hanging out
with Isabel?
[PJ] Fuck, you're fast.
Oh, my God, okay.
I have to keep up.
Hazel, what is wrong?
Are you constipated
or something?
[Hazel] I'm fucking tired.
My mom was up all night
fucking the meathead.
What meathead?
Hi. Underwear, cars.
- Thanks.
- You know, like, the guy.
He's like the crybaby.
With the balls?
He catches them
and he... he throws them?
He's like the main guy.
[sputters] Jeff?
Is your mom hooking up
with Jeff?
I just thought Jeff might be
her safe word.
Jeff is his name, you idiot.
Just get the hot people
confused, Jesus.
[Stella-Rebecca yelps]
I'm good. [chuckles]
[PJ] Looking good, Stella!
[Isabel laughs]
[PJ] Are you gonna tell her?
[Tim] Yeah, they said
they were in juvie this summer.
Okay, are you sure
they're not in the system?
But isn't every kid from
Rockbridge Falls sent there?
[player] Hit me! Ow!
Okay, yeah, Essex County.
Any others?
Got it. Thank you.
- [players shouting]
- [sighs]
[whistle blows]
[easygoing music playing]
[Josie laughing]
No, yeah, but I thought
she was maybe dead.
- Not good.
- That's not the best.
- No. No, not great.
- That's not a great thing.
[Josie and Isabel laughing]
I wanted to...
I wanted to tell you
that, um, I'm...
I'm very glad
that I joined the club.
Me too.
I think it's really impressive
that you and PJ went through
everything that you did
and now have decided
to help the rest of us.
I mean even that story
you told the other day.
You're really, really brave.
No. [chuckles]
No. No, no.
Yes. I mean you almost
killed a girl. [chuckles]
Yeah, you're...
really, really brave.
Actually, Isabel, uh...
- There's, um...
- Yeah?
There's something
you maybe should know.
I mean it's pretty insane.
Okay. [chuckles]
What... what is it?
I just, I...
I heard Jeff
is cheating on you.
- [music stops]
- [glasses clinking]
Wait... [laughing]
Wait, what? [chuckles]
I... I... Sorry, I think I...
I heard...
Um, what? Um...
Who... who told you that?
Hazel told me that, uh,
he and Mrs. Callahan
are at it, pretty much,
like, every night,
- like, constantly.
- [Josie and Isabel laughing]
I mean, just at it
with each other,
which is pretty fucked up.
Um, even though I guess
it's, technically, it's legal,
it's still just
pretty nasty, uh...
[cries] Oh.
[Jeff whistles]
[Jeff in sing-song voice]
Jeff so hungy.
Hungy hungy, hungy.
Jeff so hungy.
[in normal voice] Swoosh!
[smacks lips, sniffs]
What the fuck is this?
Is there pineapple in this?
We talked about this, Janice.
Jeffrey's allergic
to pineapple.
Eat a bag of dicks.
Well, I wasn't going to do it,
but this is the last straw.
How was last night?
Uh, bad, probably,
I would say.
Wait, really?
[dramatic electronic
music playing]
She's walking really fast.
[Isabel breathing heavily]
She usually walks
a lot slower.
Are you having sex
with Mrs. Callahan?
Baby, you look so beautiful.
Like, so fucking hot.
How... how are you?
Bad. Are you having sex
with her?
[sputters] I'm... I'm...
helping her with her taxes.
Aren't you
in eighth grade algebra?
[chuckles] I can't answer
that question
because I... I don't know
how to read.
She's asking you to your face!
Fuck, that usually works.
[sighs] Are you cheating
on me again?
Baby, no! No!
No, why would...
why would I do--
That was one time
with your sister, just once,
two, four times.
No, I would never cheat
on you again, okay?
I promise you
I am not sleeping with her.
I literally saw you yesterday.
Shut up, nerd!
I fucked your mom!
- [Tim groans]
- [Isabel] Mmm. Mmm.
- [chuckles] Yeah, we're done.
- Isabel...
[dramatic electronic
music playing]
I'm getting revenge.
I'm gonna fuck up
some football players.
And I'm buyin' a gun.
Hell yeah.
I'll get my stepdad's.
What about, like, egging?
Yeah, so we can make 'em
not refrigerated and smelly?
Ooh, we could cook 'em
and be like...
- "You're cooked."
- Yes. Yeah.
Or what about, like, a bomb?
Like a...
like a super small bomb.
I mean, they're super easy
to make,
and I can just put it
under his car,
and it can be a distraction.
Yeah, Hazel,
let's do terrorism.
["Total Eclipse of the Heart"
by Bonnie Tyler playing]
Turn around
Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely
And you're never
Coming 'round
Turn around
Every now and then
I get a little bit tired
Of listening to the sound
Of my tears
Turn around
Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous
That the best
Of all the years have gone by
Turn around
Every now and then
I get a little bit terrified
And then I see
The look in your eyes
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart
Turn around, bright eyes
Every now and then
I fall apart
And I need you now tonight
[Sylvie] Fuck you.
[girls chattering]
[Annie] Sylvie,
you can't just throw it.
You have to fucking jump
with it.
- [Sylvie] I'm trying.
- [Annie] Okay,
watch me. Just...
[PJ] Damn, we're, uh...
We're really gonna
scare them off.
[Sylvie] Nice! Nice!
I think I'mma help Isabel
keep watch, so...
Okay, well,
don't get distracted,
'cause we could be fined,
like, $2 for this, so...
Thought you might want
some company.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
It's nice everybody's here,
Jeff's house.
It is nice.
I, uh...
Like, how are you doing?
I mean,
I think it's for the best.
But I did kind of miss
when he would touch my hair
and go, like,
"Shiny, shiny, shiny."
You know?
I wanted to tell you
this before, but...
I really appreciated
you fighting
and speaking loudly
at my boyfriend.
I really value
when people use violence
and raise their voices for me.
It's actually one
of my love languages.
- Is the other one gifts?
- The other one is gifts.
Um, I know
everything is, like,
really fucked up and...
you still probably miss Jeff,
which I get,
but I just think
you deserve way better,
[PJ] 'Kay, guys.
Let's make sure we return
or donate these, okay?
Does anybody know
where the fuck Hazel is?
Like, 15 minutes?
- [beeping]
- Oh, fuck. Fuck! Fuck!
Okay. Um...
I don't know what to do
And I'm always in the dark
We're living in a powder keg
And giving off sparks
It's gonna blow!
Oh, wow, yeah,
it's gonna blow, guys.
- [Josie gasps]
- [girls screaming]
[PJ] Oh, my God.
What the fuck?
[Hazel] Holy shit.
[girls shouting]
[PJ] Oh, fuck, there's no door!
[girls shouting]
- [Sylvie] Annie,
Annie, back up!
- [Annie] I'm going, I'm going!
Stop fucking yelling at me!
- I'm going!
- [Brittany] Fuck.
[tires screech]
A total eclipse
Of the heart
[Jeff screams] Oh, fuck!
Can you listen to me for,
like, once...
Ted! Ted-ay! Theodore!
- THEODORE: You're awesome!
- No, you're awesome.
Great. What are we supposed
to do now?
Relax. No one knows it's us.
[Tim] Hey, guys.
Great show last night.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Oh, you don't.
No, it's really all good.
Jeffrey needed a new car,
anyway, so...
don't worry about it.
[foreboding music playing]
What's wrong, Josie?
You seem a little off.
Your club is over.
You understand?
[PJ] All right, well,
some of us clearly
have a different definition
of egging,
but if we keep
our mouths shut,
stay calm, we'll be fine.
They're gonna shut us down,
aren't they?
No. We don't know that.
- What-- Why--
- [Brittany] Principal Meyers
will believe
whatever Jeff and Tim say.
I don't really see how
we recover from this.
[Sylvie sighs] Man...
You know,
it's been real, guys.
Okay, let's not jump
to conclusions
with the goodbyes and...
I'm gonna miss you guys
so much.
[Sylvie] And like, at least
we went out with a bang.
I mean, that was
fucking insane!
[girls laugh]
There was just, like,
fire everywhere.
[PJ] Wait. Stop.
We don't-- Wait, no,
we don't know that for sure.
PJ, don't be sad it's over.
Be happy it happened.
[PJ] All right, can everyone
calm the fuck down, please?
The club is not over,
Josie, right?
[Isabel] No matter what,
this club has brought me
so much.
I feel...
so much more powerful
and, um...
- Me too.
- [PJ chuckles]
- Great.
- [Hazel] Oh, my God, PJ.
Okay, I'm sorry
that you didn't get
what you wanted
out of this group,
but I think
the rest of us did.
Oh. Good for fucking you,
I'm glad that you finally
wrote one email.
- Accomplished a lot.
- I actually did.
I practically ran this club
for you and Josie.
Hey, let's calm down, maybe.
You really think
that you're the reason
that we have this club?
The reason? No.
But I can tell everyone that
if you want.
Hazel. Uh, hey,
let's calm down, right?
You're really ungrateful.
You're so lucky
that we even let you
be a part of this.
PJ, you're a liar.
[PJ scoffs]
Yeah, well,
you have no friends,
and a skank as a mom, so...
- [Josie] Hazel.
- [PJ scoffs]
[door closes]
[Brittany] PJ...
This doesn't mean
it wasn't worth it.
[mellow music playing]
[students chattering]
[door closes]
I love God.
- Yes, same.
- [chuckles]
Oh, my God,
I always wanted
one of these.
But my mom says
they hide your figure
and make you look ugly.
Um, you can borrow it
if you want.
Like, as a joke or...
[Josie] Yeah.
[Isabel] Wow, you and PJ
really have been
friends forever.
Oh, I mean,
since the first grade, so...
We had the same
babysitter, Rhodes.
PJ called her Gay Yoda,
but I think she's kind of
like a mentor.
[Josie clears throat]
Yeah, but you guys, like,
could not be more different.
She's so, like...
[chuckles] You know?
- [chuckles] Yeah.
- And you're...
You're so, like...
[both chuckle]
- You know what I mean?
- No, yeah, I know.
[gentle music playing]
[grunts softly]
[Isabel breathing heavily]
[PJ] I'm tryna help
your jewelry business grow.
- [Brittany] Really?
- [PJ] Yeah.
I don't know if I can hire you
because you're like a convict.
This is, um, a total shithole.
[Brittany chuckles lightly]
Kind of a mess. Sorry.
Well, I hear that
if you hire a convict,
they give you a tax break.
[Brittany groans]
I fucking hate Mr. G.
Everything he says
is so pathetic.
Oh, yeah. I mean,
I feel like he, like,
jerks off to a poster
of the 1999 Rockbridge team
every single night, so...
Literally the peak
of his existence.
[Brittany sighs]
Like, what is the point
of this assignment?
Who is bell hooks
and why do we care?
Oh, sorry, I'm just trying to,
like, study over here.
[whispering] Watch out.
Uh, nothing, I'm just...
I'm just concerned
'cause I'm, like...
Your wrists are so small,
and the pen is so heavy
that I'm like,
- "Is she getting exhausted?"
- Mmm.
I'm surprised you can even see
what you're doing
with all the surface area
- that yours are taking up.
- [gasps]
Must be a struggle
for you to write.
Okay, does this hurt?
Actually, yeah, that does hurt
my tiny, delicate wrists.
Yeah, that was
the lightest tap of all time.
- Can you feel that?
- Can't even feel that.
- Can't feel anything.
- Just like muscles in there.
PJ, I'm... I'm straight.
Yeah. Um...
- I'm... I'm sorry
if you misread anything.
- No, that's all...
It's all good. I shouldn't
have assumed anything.
[drums playing]
[sighs] Um...
I wanted to tell you something.
Like, something that happened
last night.
What happened?
[softly] With Isabel.
Wait, seriously?
[spectators cheering]
That's... that's amazing.
[all cheering]
[Jeff] Everybody,
- even the fucking losers...
- Even the fucking losers!
...make some noise!
[spectators cheering]
I thought you were
super Christian.
I know. I just like getting
caught up in the festivities.
All right, uh, so we're gonna
do the pep rally.
First up, cheerleaders.
[cheerleaders cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[yelps, giggles]
Football! [giggles]
Whoo! Yeah,
thank you, ladies. Ooh!
Thank you all for joining us
here today, folks.
There's been some
exciting stuff happening
at Rockbridge Falls recently.
How many of you
know about that little girl
fight club that could?
[scattered clapping]
Ay, there go my girls.
Well, do we have
a surprise for you.
We're gonna bring...
Where is she?
[snaps fingers] Hazel down.
One of the founding members.
To show us everything
the club's taught her
in a fun little challenge.
[girls cheering]
- [girl 1] Let's go, Hazel!
- [girl 2] Go, Hazel!
- What is this?
- I... I don't know.
[Tim] Hazel will be
fighting Tucker,
the school's number one boxer.
[Tucker screams]
[neck cracks]
Wait, I thought I was gonna be
fighting PJ?
I know what you're thinking,
but don't be alarmed.
Girls can do anything
guys can do, right?
Yeah, kick his ass!
- Fuck.
- Go.
[breathing heavily]
[tense music playing]
[spectators clamoring]
- [Hazel shouts]
- [Annie] Oh, my God.
- You got this, Hazel.
- [girl 3] Come on, Hazel!
- You got it.
- [grunts]
- [grunts]
- [Jeff gasps]
[Tucker grunting]
Whoo! Get him!
[Tucker exclaims, laughs]
[Hazel screams]
- [girl 4] The fuck
are you doing?
- Is she, like,
sort of winning or...
[both screaming]
No, leave the skin
on his face, will you?
- [grunts]
- Fuck.
[PJ] Oh. Oh, my God.
I know what you're thinking.
You may be wondering
how a girl
under the training of...
of two juvie convicted killers
can't even stand up
for herself
against a regular old guy.
[Tucker yells]
[Tim] Well, truth is, they...
they didn't go to juvie.
[Jeff gasps]
[Isabel laughs]
[Tim] There's no record
of them there.
And according to Hazel...
...they never fought
anyone at all.
And you know what else?
They didn't start the club
to empower women.
They did it
to fuck cheerleaders.
[Tim scoffs]
What is wrong with you?
It is such a shame.
We were really rooting
for you girls.
- [footsteps stomping]
- [Tucker yells]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
[Tim] Okay.
- Thank you for attending...
- [Stella-Rebecca] Hazel!
-'s pep rally.
Go Vikings! Fuck Huntington!
- [Stella-Rebecca] Is she okay?
- Hazel!
- [Tim] Whoo!
- [Jeff] Yes!
- [Tim chuckles] Yes!
[foreboding music playing]
Is that true?
That's why you started this?
No, no, no.
[breathing heavily]
Not... not entirely.
Not entire-- Okay.
Listen guys.
It doesn't matter...
the reason that we started
this, right? Like...
The point of the club
is that we all learn
from each other, right?
And... and we had a great time
doing it and...
I thought this club
was for sisterhood,
but it was for your own
selfish interests?
This is the second wave
all over again.
Isabel, please, please, wait.
PJ made me do this.
I didn't want to.
I would never want to do this.
[voice breaking]
You're pathetic, Josie.
[PJ] Mr. G,
we're really sorry, we...
All right, look.
You know what?
I'm not a fuckin' idiot.
I just look like this.
I wasn't doin' this shit
as a distraction.
I actually was doin' this shit
'cause I actually liked
y'all group
and what y'all stood for.
- Wait, we can explain.
- I trusted you two
and y'all exploited
my solidarity.
I played the role
of an amazin' ally.
Is this about the time I said
Amelia Earhart
was a fake hero?
Because it's true.
Many a guy fly planes
without crashing,
but you never hear about them.
And then it's like,
[in high-pitched voice]
"Oh, it's so hard
to be a girl."
"We, like, make less money."
"We had to lose
our last names."
"I love you."
"I want to be with you
for the rest of our lives."
"Oh, I love the mint green
backsplash in the kitchen."
[in normal voice]
And all of a sudden,
you leave me
for a motherfucker named Tony
and suddenly,
the fucking kitchen
is lime green.
I think...
Yeah, I think that moved
away from us.
Oh, you look confused,
like how I'm confused
right now,
on how you created
a fucking fight club
to get some cooch.
And for what? Y'all ain't even
know how to work that thing.
And I know y'all ain't
tickling the pearl,
you know what
I'm talking about?
You know what I mean?
Caressing the back
of that neck
and all type of--
Sorry, I just don't know
if you're supposed
to be talking to us like that.
Just, like, as a teacher...
Man, I knew women were evil.
Motherfuckers always
tellin' me like,
"No, that's not true."
But time and time again...
[PJ sighs]
- [door opens]
- Women ain't nothing
but the fuckin' devil.
[door shuts]
I can't fuckin' believe Hazel.
Okay, well, you were pretty
horrible to her yesterday.
I'm sorry, what?
This is... this is my fault?
I'm not the one who put Isabel
on a rampage.
Sorry, what does that have
to do with anything?
If Isabel wasn't so desperate
to get revenge,
then we wouldn't have
blown up Jeff's car
and then he wouldn't be
so upset
and then whatever the fuck
just happened
would not have happened.
Okay, so all of the blame
just goes on me then?
Like, none of this can
be traced back to you at all?
Well, I mean, yeah,
it was your idea
to start the whole club.
I didn't want to do this
from the beginning.
You know that.
I just followed your lead
like an idiot.
You followed my lead when
you created that insane story
about girls betting on you
to fight other girls
with shivs.
You're just mad
because I did this.
I... I... I got to be
with Isabel on my own.
Without you.
No, you never would
have talked to her without me,
- ever.
- [chuckles]
I'm the one who made it
happen for you.
You know what's so funny
about this whole
fucking thing,
all your little schemes,
all your,
"Oh, we'll have our year
and we'll fuck
so many girls,"
and whatever?
Is that you're the only one
who didn't do anything.
Yeah, well, that's 'cause
Brittany's straight, so...
Yeah, no, shit,
she's straight.
Does it even matter?
Do you even care?
Do you actually like her?
Do you care about anyone
other than yourself?
Just find some other girl
to fucking jack off to
and do nothing about.
Cool. Yeah, I will.
by Avril Lavigne playing]
Life's like this
[door closes]
That's the way it is
'Cause life's like this
Uh-huh, uh-huh
That's the way it is
Chill out
Whatcha yellin' for?
Lay back
It's all been done before
And if you could only
Let it be, you would see
I like you the way you are
- Ted?
- Mmm-mmm-mmm.
[yelling] Ted!
You're watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryna be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go
And make things
So complicated?
I see the way you're
Actin' like
You're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this, you
And you fall, and you crawl
And you break
And you take what you get
And you turn it into
Honesty and promise me
I'm never gonna
Find you fake it
No, no, no
You come over unannounced
Dressed up like
You're somethin' else
Where you are
And where it's at
You see, you're makin' me
Laugh out
When you strike your pose
Take off
All your preppy clothes
You know, you're not foolin'
Anyone when you become
Somebody else
'Round everyone else
You're watchin' your back
Like you can't relax
You're tryna be cool
You look like a fool to me
Tell me
Why'd you have to go
And make things
So complicated?
I see the way you're
Actin' like
You're somebody else
Gets me frustrated
Life's like this, you
And you fall, and you crawl
And you break
And you take what you get
And you turn it into
Honesty and promise me
I'm never gonna
Find you fake it
No, no, no
- ["Complicated" stops playing]
- [Rhodes] Josie, what the hell?
Why... why... why you look
like a scared puppy?
[Josie] Hey, Rhodes.
Do you have a minute to talk?
If you don't wanna
borrow firearms,
- then why are you here?
- Um...
- Like, for advice?
- [sighs]
I'm not your Gay Yoda, Josie.
You're too old for this shit.
Girl, when I was
in high school,
people found out I was gay,
nobody wanted to be my friend.
And back then it was worse
because they hated you
just for being gay.
[both] Not for being
gay and untalented.
Sorry, people didn't know
you were gay?
Girl, I wore a weave
back then, okay?
And I used to say,
[in high-pitched voice]
"Hey, girl. Hey..."
[in normal voice]
Look, that's not the point.
You want some advice?
Invest in yourself,
teach people to fear you
instead of love you.
I don't wanna, like, deny
your advice, obviously.
I just, um...
PJ and I are actually
in a fight right now.
- So, like...
- [coughing]
Like, that's the advice
that I need.
I never had many friends,
and that's... that's sad.
And as I've gotten old
in this world,
it's just gotten more sad.
Okay, um...
I think I'm just gonna go
to the game
and then work it out
with PJ there.
I wouldn't do that.
Why not?
- It's with Huntington, right?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm guessing
they've been fucking people up
for the past month, right?
- Yeah.
- So, they're violent.
What do you think's
gonna happen tonight?
I don't know. Football?
- Game? Tackle?
- [groans]
Oh, girl.
There is a 50-year rivalry
going on.
They always fuck up
some unlucky player.
How you don't know--
In '77, they burned him
at a stake with his dog.
In '92, they drowned him
in a giant kiddie pool.
And in '03, they pulled
his body apart with horses.
It's called quartering.
I know... I know
what it's called.
So, tonight,
I'm stayin' inside
and double boltin'
those doors.
[suspenseful music playing]
[exhales nervously]
If you ever grab a--
[mumbles] Nah, I don't care.
I didn't understand a word
of that, I'm so sorry.
I had one of those days
Everything went wrong
No matter what I did or said
Everyone I talk to...
[music stops]
Just go. Go, just, go.
I don't wanna go.
- [Josie panting]
- Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- How did you find me?
Why are you breathing
so heavy?
Okay. I know we're not
in a great place right now--
Yeah, because I'm pissed.
I'm fuckin' pissed.
Okay, well, I just still think
we need to talk
about everything
that's, like, going on.
Yeah, cool, well,
I don't wanna hear it, so...
Okay, maybe you
should reconsider
because I saw Rhodes,
she says hi, by the way.
She said
this Huntington shit's
way darker than we thought.
every time Huntington
plays Rockbridge,
they try to kill a player
and his pets.
The pets?
It's bloodlust, man.
That's not the point.
Sounds like I should get
- the fuck out
of here now. Okay?
- No.
PJ, seriously, come on.
We need to get
the club back together,
so we can save them.
[inhales, coughs]
Sorry, you're saying
you want me and then you
and then all of the girls
that fuckin' hate us
to get together and save
some fucking football player,
who we hate?
Circle of bad vibes.
Okay, well, obviously,
why would you
lay it out like that?
Because it sounds insane.
'Cause it is.
Why would we do that?
Because we made
these girls trust us
and then we humiliated them.
They deserve a shot
at showing everybody
what they know,
what they learned,
how fucking cool they are.
Let's do this for the club.
What do you say?
- Can we save the damn day?
- [sighs]
[stirring electronic
music playing]
Pulling out the necklace
- in the final fuckin' hour.
- Well...
Mmm. Nice.
[announcer] Rockbridge,
this is the most
important day of your life.
Forget your wedding,
forget your funeral,
fuck your bar mitzvah.
This is what matters.
Gameday, let's do this!
- Let's go, Vikings!
- [Josie] We're almost there.
Okay, first off,
PJ has something
to say to Hazel, so...
The apology. Do the apology.
Do the apology, instead.
I'm sorry that I called
your mom a skank.
And I'm sorry
for saying that you have
no friends really loud
in front of all
of your friends.
And I'm sorry
for being an asshole
a lot of the time.
Most of the--
All of the time.
And I do think that it's nice
you always take notes
and then you type them up
and email them to everyone...
and I really appreciate it.
Do you forgive me?
[Josie] I don't want
to interrupt this
gorgeous moment
but we don't have time now
because I got information from
a very confidential source
that Huntington
is trying to kill
someone on this team tonight.
What are you even
talking about, Josie?
Nobody's even over there.
[Josie] Oh, my God,
nobody is even over there.
Well, that is obviously
a red flag.
Are we not reading that
as a red flag? That's crazy.
- What?
- [Josie] Please, Annie.
Even though
you're a Black Republican,
you are the smartest
out of all of us, okay?
I mean, obviously I know that.
You think I don't know that?
[Josie] Then help us
figure this out.
We need to stop the game.
We need to save them.
[PJ] Wait, wait, hang on.
we need a distraction.
Oh, now you want a bomb.
- [cheerleaders]
Hey, here we go!
- [grunts] Oh, fuck.
- So sorry. Okay. Fuck.
- Rockbridge Vikings!
Hey, hey, here we go!
Rockbridge Vikings!
Hey, hey, here we go!
- Rockbridge Vikings!
- Isabel.
I know you really must
hate me right now,
but the club needs you.
To what? Have sex with them?
Guys, we really,
really need you. We do.
In your fucking dreams, PJ.
Which you don't deserve
to have.
When you sleep,
- it should be, like... Total darkness.
- [announcer] Rockbridge,
are you ready?
- Oh, fuck.
- Wow, okay.
[Josie] Okay, wait, seriously,
maybe if you
just listened to us.
- Just listen to us. Whoa!
- Brittany.
- [announcer]
Here comes your team!
- [Josie] Isabel.
I wouldn't be asking you
if this wasn't important!
[Annie] We don't have time
for this.
- [PJ] Josie, come on.
- [Annie] Hazel!
- Okay, now that you're all...
- [Hazel] Ugh. Uh...
...warmed up,
I want you guys...
[Hazel] Is it the red wire?
Shit, or is it the yellow?
...Shawshank your way out.
- Put your hands together...
- You got this, Jeff.
- ...and shake your tanks.
- You got it!
Hazel! It's starting!
[announcer] Jeff!
[girl] Jeff! Eat my pussy!
[Annie] Come on, come on!
[players] Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!
- Hurry, Hazel!
- It's gonna blow.
[players cheering]
[Annie] Hazel, come on!
[Josie] Hazel!
[Annie] Hazel, come on!
- [girls yelp]
- [Hazel grunts]
- Hazel, it's not working.
- Hazel, it's not going.
- [Annie] Oh, no.
- Fuck. Fucking...
- [PJ] Maybe turn it off...
- [Annie] Maybe hit it?
No. Give me space. Stop.
[PJ] Turn it off
and then back on.
- [grunting]
- [announcer] I want you to rub
Vicks VapoRub on your tanks
and dance around
like the fruitbats
that you are!
Okay, plan B. We need to get
the cheerleaders to make out.
Wait, okay, which cheerleaders
do you think?
[Annie] It's a distraction.
We need a distraction.
[suspenseful electronic
music playing]
- Guys.
- Hey, guys.
Guys, kiss each other.
[PJ] Make out.
Make out with each other!
[Annie] We need
to delay the game.
Guys! Make out
with each other!
[announcer] Everyone,
get your guns out,
hide your children
because here comes Huntington.
- [player 1] Fuck you! Bitch!
- What the frick is up?
- Yeah! Get back!
- Yeah! Wake up, pussy!
Hold me back! [grunts]
You're so lucky!
You're so fucking lucky.
[PJ] Hazel! Hazel! Hazel!
What do we do?
Look, look, look.
[gentle music playing]
[spectators cheering]
Oh, wait. I'm gay.
Okay, yeah, I'm not.
I just like gay porn.
This is nothing
like porn at all.
Is porn even real?
[suspenseful music playing]
Can we cut the gay shit
and get this show on the road?
I came here for some good
man-on-man grappling
and slapping football!
[announcer] Can everybody
stop looking
at the dyke parade?
Who do I have to blow
to get this game
started already?
- Yes!
- Now make 'em eat
a bag of urine cakes.
[Josie] Look, I found empty
barrels of pineapple juice.
There is pineapple here.
[Annie] So, they're gonna
poison Jeff then.
Where the fuck is it?
[PJ] Fuck, I'm thinking
really quick.
What if it's in their mouths
and they're swishing it around
and then they're gonna
spit it out mid-game?
- What?
- [Hazel] I hate to say it,
but it might have something
to do with their semen.
[Josie] Obviously, it does not.
What is wrong with you?
They kissed on the mouth.
- With tongue.
- [PJ] As a distraction,
and we can do it again
if people are asking.
- [Josie] Wait, when was this?
- [PJ] The bomb didn't work,
and there was no
other distractions!
- [Sylvie] Yeah, there was...
- [PJ] And because we were...
- They're gonna spray the field.
- [Josie and PJ] What?
- [Annie] Okay,
we're gonna have to run.
- [Josie] No!
- We're gonna have to run.
We're gonna have to run.
- We can't run. No!
- Oh, my asthma.
- No, please!
You don't have asthma.
I feel like I have asthma now!
[girls screaming]
[Josie] PJ!
Cover the sprinklers.
[PJ] I got it.
[suspenseful music playing]
- [yelling]
- [girls yelling]
[rock music playing]
[all grunting]
[both grunting]
[girls screaming]
[player 1 screams]
[PJ] Oh, fuck!
[all grunting]
[player 2] Get back here,
you fuckin' weasel!
[Sylvie gasps]
- [grunts]
- [player 3 groans]
[breathing heavily]
I'm sorry. [grunts]
[Hazel grunting]
[Tim coughing]
[all grunting]
[both breathing heavily]
[music ends]
[Josie and Jeff
breathing heavily]
You saved me.
You're... you're welcome?
Oh, no.
- I... Would...
- Mmm-mmm. Uh-uh.
Are you okay?
- Whoa.
- [PJ] Hazel!
- Hazel! Hazel! Look out!
- [Josie] Hey.
[girls scream]
It's pineapple juice!
It's pineapple juice!
- Turn it off! Turn it off!
- [softly] 'Scuse me.
[Tim] Turn it off!
Please just turn it off!
[Mrs. Callahan
breathing heavily]
["Party 4 U"
by Charli XCX playing]
[Tim] Yes.
Yes, this is the Viking way!
[chuckles] Yes, thank you,
thank you.
You did it.
You fucking saved me.
[crying] Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Thanks.
- [girls laughing]
[spectators cheering]
- What is...
- I mean...
- Okay.
- I guess we did it.
[Annie] We did that shit!
I mean...
Really proud of you.
I'm proud of us.
I do wanna say, um,
I feel like
you killed that guy.
Oh, yeah. I mean, we killed--
I think we killed...
- You killed that guy...
- No.
- Yeah, he's dead. That's dead.
- No. Oh, my God.
Yeah, we killed a couple.
We killed...
we killed a lot of guys.
I-- Let's just--
We'll process it later.
- Much later.
- Later.
- Yeah.
- Um...
Do you wanna...
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
You don't have to forgive me
at all or anything.
But I, like, really want
you to know
how sorry I am.
I was kind of insane,
and the sheer amount
of lies I told is...
is shocking,
and it doesn't excuse
what I did.
But I really liked
getting to know you.
And I still really like you.
- I just...
- You know, you didn't have
to start, like, a whole
fight club just to date me.
[scoffs] You could have just,
like, talked to me.
Oh. Okay, uh,
I don't really know
how true that is.
You know what I mean...
Party on you
Party on you, party on
Party on you
Party on you, party on
Party on you
Party on you, party on
Party on you
Party on you, party on...
Man, I knew women were good.
I been sayin' that shit
the whole time, man.
Hey, hey, here we go!
Rockbridge Vikings!
Hey, hey, here we go!
- Oh, so sorry.
- [both chuckle]
- [yelling] Yeah!
- Oh.
- Yes, queen!
- [Annie chuckles]
Attention, everyone.
It seems like
these Huntington players
- are not only shitty...
- Yes, queen! players,
but they're also dead cheating
bitch asses.
Meanin' the Vikings once again
win the game!
- [player] Whoo!
- Decompose, you fuckers!
[all cheering]
[electronic music playing]
Damn it.
That was my thing!
By the way, what the fuck
are you wearing?
You got suspenders
over your nipples
like a goddamn freak.
Not gonna come
to any meetings.
It's gonna be fine.
He's so preoccupied
with his divor...
- [both chuckle]
- Yeah.
I drank before I came
to class.
- What?
- Sorry.
You got this, Jeff!
You got it!
Oh, shit.
You scarin' the shit
out of me, boy.
You all right?
- Good shit.
- I got this.
[spectators clamoring]
Y'all were two of my top
students, I think.
Oh, no, that was
two other students.
But at the end of the day,
it don't matter.
This shit is, like, beyond me.
Not Beyond Meat,
like the fake meat,
but beyond me, like...
Who does that?
Where do they do that at?
Y'all out here forty-two
fakin' for the bacon.
You understand
what I'm sayin'?
- [both laugh]
- God, this is the most
depressing shit ever.
[grunts] Oh, wait, fuck me.
Idiot. Idiot!
- [chuckles]
- [girl] She's still laughing
because of the last laugh.
No! Fuck!
[assistant director] Cut, cut.
[grunts] Hey, guys.
Hey, guys. Hi.
- [grunts]
- Hey, guys. Sorry.
You look like you yodel.
You look super religious.
Get fucked, Janice.
Get railed, Janice.
Eat a dick, Janice.
God, what is happening
to this country?
- [yelling] Why?
- Why?
This is not the Viking way!
How old are you?
I put whiskey in that.
Actually dealin'
with the "D" word.
- Death.
- No.
- Dinosaurs.
- No.
- Depression?
- [Mr. G] If you don't...
Deez nuts!
[Mr. G laughing]
[rock music playing]
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
[singer vocalizing]
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
I don't know
[singer vocalizing]
[song ends]