Boy Toy (2011) Movie Script

I know you've got someone
living in there with you.
I'll be by at 12:30
to collect my extra money.
Your landlord.
Jake, Jake.
Get up. Wake up.
I just got a message from Stu.
He knows you've been staying here.
You gotta go. He's on his way over.
Come on, let's go. Get up.
- Good morning.
- Hi. Good morning.
God damn it.
You see what you've done?
You're tearing my life apart, Jake.
There's someone
at the door.
Don't move.
Stay. Stay.
Hey, Stu.
You want some breakfast?
How are you doing? You hungry?
Oh, I'd love some lunch.
You know what?
I would like
a side order of green.
That would be
two bills extra a month.
And I need $1000 back rent,
or you two...
- There's only one.
- Baloney there's only one!
L... he... no one...
What's this?
Ha, look at that.
Hi. How are you?
Nice nipples.
Hey, Stu,
how are you?
"Hey, Stu,
what's happening," huh?
Is that cool?
Are you cool?
- He just spent the night, Stu.
- You know what? Don't.
He's hanging out
for a few days.
Crashing for a couple days? Don't.
Don't. Just don't play me for an idiot.
- No one's calling you an idiot.
- We all know how intelligent you are.
Don't play stupid with me,
'cause Mrs. Klein already ratted you out.
So I want the two of you...
pay up or get out!
I'm sorry, boys.
He... he asked me questions.
I'm disappointed, Mrs. Klein,
very disappointed.
It's okay, Mrs. Klein.
Listen, you just keep those
Social Security checks coming
and I'll be in
to rub your corns.
That's disgusting.
That's disgusting?
I'll tell you what's disgusting.
The two of you men
in a one-bedroom house.
The two of you men
doing stuff to each other.
- This is disgusting.
- I don't think that's...
Oh yeah? That's funny,
'cause you reek like his jizz.
Is that how it works?
Oh, you know,
it's innocent at first,
isn't it?
"Oh, I gotta take a shower.
Let's save water. It's Tuesday.
Why don't you jump in with me?"
I want two extra bills
and $1000 back rent,
or Fag City is gonna be
closed down
by Mayor McCheese
over here.
Good day!
Pay up!
Jake, you gotta
come up with $1200
by tomorrow morning!
Don't worry about it.
I'll take care of it, man.
Jake, you haven't got
a paycheck in six months.
How are you gonna come up
with $1200 tomorrow morning, Jake?
Okay, I'm expecting a residual check
any day now from the underwear ad.
Jake, the last time you got
a residual check for that,
it was $20.
And you spent it on a
"MILF Monthly" subscription.
Yes, that wasn't a very
good investment, huh?
Yes, Jake,
that's a bad investment.
That is a very very
bad investment.
What are you trying
to say, Ron?
I'm trying to say get a job.
Okay? Get a job, Jake.
All you do is
bring home hot women
and sleep with them
in my bed.
And I have to sleep
on the couch in my own house.
You don't pay for rent.
You don't pay for groceries.
- You don't do anything. And I'm sick of it.
- Okay.
I can't live like this anymore.
I just can't afford it anymore.
I refuse to afford it.
I can't afford it.
I can't support you.
Ronald, calm down. Things aren't
that easy for me either, okay?
It's not like I'm on vacation. I'm out there
every day trying to make a living.
Things are gonna
change, okay?
I'm trying really hard.
I'm gonna make this work.
I'm gonna get the cash to you,
I swear to God. I swear.
I've got a casting in a couple of hours.
It's for this modeling gig.
I think I've got
a good shot at it, man.
I've got one of those really good feelings
I usually get...
a really good feeling.
Don't worry about it.
Well, that's wonderful.
'Cause every time I go out,
I get a really good feeling
about this one,
and that seems to never
work out for me.
Okay, well, that's where
you and I differ, my friend,
because I have a secret weapon...
a very secret weapon
which will help
my success.
I got myself
a brand new stage name.
- You want to hear it?
- Yeah.
Hi. I'm Gerard Colbeck.
That's it.
It's sick, right?
If you're doing gay porn.
Look, I'll take care
of this, okay, man?
I promise. I'll find
the money somehow.
I will make this right,
I swear.
All right.
- Wish me luck. I gotta go.
- Good luck.
Wait, what am I supposed to do
with this girl in the bed?
I don't know.
Make her breakfast.
Well, what's her name?
Uh, don't know.
But she's got a fetish
for whipped cream.
If we've got some left,
use it.
Reese's Pieces.
Uh uh, excuse me, miss?
Gerard Cobalt?
- Cobalt? Colbeck?
- Colbeck.
We are shooting a campaign
for Brioni, all right?
And honestly, I mean,
looking at you,
this is kind of
what we're looking for.
I mean, you... this is
our client Mr. Hartley
and Miss Barbra Skypes.
She's the owner of the PR firm
launching the campaign
for Mr. Hartley.
- Hi.
- How do you do?
First off, we're just gonna
get a few shots, okay?
We're just gonna see
how you look on camera
with our beautiful
Giada here.
- Yes yes?
- Hello, Giada. Pleasure.
- Just sort of get into it?
- Just, yeah, snuggle right up.
She won't bite.
Snuggle right in there.
Yes yes. Uh...
Uh, I don't...
Sophisticated chic, yes?
Let's just try some of those looks...
lots of eyes.
Yes yes yes?
All right, yes.
Alive eyes.
You're alive.
Yes yes.
let's just try
doing nothing
with your...
with yourself.
- Let's just try emptiness and emotionless.
- Right.
Just stop doing
everything. Okay.
Yes yes.
Got it.
I think we got that one.
We've really got it.
I think that's fantastic. Okay.
Very very empty.
I'm not sure I brought
my A-game to the last one.
We got it.
Thank you.
Yeah, it was actually pretty good.
It was pretty good.
I also brought a headshot
for you guys,
if you'll pardon the pun.
Get it? Headshot?
Yeah, a headshot.
- We'll be in touch.
- Or not.
- Just that way.
- Okay.
All right, all right.
- Oh Jakey.
- Hey buddy.
- Didn't go very well, huh?
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man.
Did not go well at all.
I didn't have the right
look they wanted.
It's so stupid, man. They were
going for that Middle America thing.
- I don't get it myself.
- That is kind of stupid. Thank you.
- Gracias, Jorge.
- Jorge, can you please go in the back?
I've asked you to go get some olives
from the back. Can you do that, please?
God damn it, Jorge.
I'm sorry.
Go. Go back there.
Hey, get in
the goddamn kitchen.
- What's that guy's deal?
- I don't even think he speaks English.
I don't know if he understands
what I'm saying.
All right, I have to go make sure
he's not cutting himself again.
- Would you watch the bar?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- Baby, have a seat.
- All right.
Hey yo.
Hey yo.
Can I help you?
- You work here, buddy?
- I do indeed. What can I get you?
Two vodka tonics, doubles.
We're getting crazy tonight, baby.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- Doubles? Getting crazy, eh, big man?
- Yeah.
- Two vodka tonics coming right up.
- We're getting crazy.
Getting crazy.
Sorry, I forget your name.
- I didn't tell you.
- Oh, okay.
Two vodka tonics.
- You're an air sign, right?
- Yes. How did you know that?
I'm gonna say
you are an Aquarius.
Yes. That is crazy.
Oh my God, are you like
psychic or something?
- Hey buddy, hey buddy.
- Hold on, pal.
- Just make the drinks, all right?
- One sec, buddy, one sec.
- My name is Cindi.
- Cindi? Hmm.
Cindi, you don't strike me
as a vodka tonic kind of gal.
I'm gonna go ahead
and say
your favorite drink is
a strawberry mojito.
Oh my gosh, that is
my friggin' favorite.
Yeah, I think
what we should do is
once you're done with Von Douche here,
you and I get together
- and grab that strawberry mojito.
- Whoa, what did you just say?
- I said once you're done...
- Hey, come here.
- Come here. Come here.
- What?
- Oh!
- I'll cut you.
- All right. Enough with the 'roid rage.
- Get yourself a tan, all right?
- She already has this.
- Hey, enough.
- She doesn't need that.
- Enough with the 'roid rage already.
Take your drink.
- Have a sandwich, buddy.
- It's okay.
- What's up with that?
- I'm sorry.
- Enough.
- Have a seat, baby.
- You are out of control.
- Why you gotta flirt with everyone, eh?
I leave you for two minutes,
you're starting fights in my bar.
- I built this for you. It's yours. It's my gift.
- All right, all right.
Why you gotta look at him...
pale boy over there?
Did you do your
astrology magic?
- I did indeed.
- Yes, did it work?
Apparently it's
one-in-four chances,
and the rest is just luck,
so, I don't know, the best odds I'll ever get.
- Hi Jake.
- Jesus. What are you doing here?
I came to see you.
Yeah, we should put
a bell around your neck.
How did your audition go?
Apparently he's not Middle America
enough. He's been weeping in his beer
- for like 20 minutes.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe Mouse can help
you feel better.
Maybe Mouse can keep
her hands to herself.
Wait a sec. What the hell are you
doing here anyways?
Aren't you supposed
to be at work?
Yeah, well,
things got a little firm
at the firm
and I had sex
with a client.
I'm sorry.
You had sex with your client?
- So you got fired?
- Shocking.
- Wow.
- My boss found out about it,
- so I had sex with him too.
- Nice.
- And so then we both got fired.
- That's interesting.
That's great.
That makes two of us
who don't have jobs
or any money.
This is one of my favorite
places in town.
I'll get you
the cream-filled skin roll.
- Let's go.
- Ooh, nice.
- What a bottom feeder.
- Let's sit down, no?
He's for hire.
What are you talking about?
What do you mean, he's for hire?
- Yeah, like an escort.
- There's no such thing as a male escort.
- Oh, you guys are so naive.
- That guy's a prostitute?
He's a pretty hot item
in the cougar world.
Five years younger,
I would suck your face off right here.
- Waiter!
- You should go bust in on them,
because compared to
his little faucet,
yours is a freakin'
fire hose.
She would flip.
- Everybody know Jake has a giant dick.
- Yeah, I'm just saying...
Waiter, two martinis,
Women would pay for
that muscle of yours.
Guys, enough.
I mean, come on.
Yes, that's exactly
what you need.
Hey, barkeep, can we get
a round of drinks?
Look, now Jorge's
pouring drinks.
Whoo! One for you,
one for you...
- You're not qualified.
- Jorge, can you pass me a vodka?
Two for you and for you.
Looking good.
Jorge, get me another
beer too, will you?
- Jorge.
- Ah.
He just does this now.
More. Come on.
I love you.
Oh God.
Good morning, sunshine.
What are you doing here?
I slept over, silly.
Oh God.
Did we have sex?
Feels like we had sex.
Don't worry about it,
The important thing is
we all had fun.
What... what does that
mean exactly?
It means what it means.
Do you like my PJs?
Did you guys have sex?
I don't know.
She won't tell me.
Well, guess what, Jake.
It's tomorrow morning already.
You know what that means?
Stu's on his way over here.
- Did you make coffee?
- Yeah, there's coffee out there.
The landlord's coming over.
What are we gonna do?
All right.
Shh... is money coming out
of your mouth?
Where's the money, Jake?
Coffee coffee coffee.
What are we gonna do, guys?
- About what?
- The money, Mouse, the money.
- He owes me money.
- I'm thinking, okay?
- My landlord is coming in 20 minutes.
- Seriously, calm down.
Okay, Jake,
no offense or anything,
but the only modeling you've ever done
is on this wall
right here, right?
- It's a good shot, right?
- You can't really see your face, can you?
I think that it's probably
time for you to move on,
you know, do other things
with your life,
leave the modeling thing
in the past.
What, are you saying
I'm a bad model?
Jake, you're a freakin'
terrible model.
Ouch, Ronnie.
I'm sorry, you are.
Someone had to say it.
You're a bad...
you're not a good model.
You don't have to be so harsh, man,
I mean, you know?
Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be harsh.
It's just I'm having
a hard time
paying my student loan
from my useless M.B.A.
And supporting you
at the same time.
And maybe you should
go out in the world,
get your stuff together,
get a job
and do something
with your life.
Mouse, you think
I'm a good model, right?
Oh, yeah yeah.
The dip in between your butt cheeks
and the back of your thigh,
especially the right side...
All right, whatever.
The point is
this is a pretty serious situation, okay?
We've got to figure something out.
Yes, Jake, yes.
Maybe you should
reassess your skill set
and get a job
you're actually good at.
That's actually
not a bad idea.
All right, what are
some skills that I have,
- things I'm good at?
- Picking up women.
Doing women,
not that I would know
from recent experience.
Okay, what else?
I think that's it.
I think that might be it.
- Jake.
- What?
That cougar
from last night.
Oh, man, I didn't sleep
with her, did I?
No no, the boy toy
that she was with.
I definitely didn't sleep with that guy.
I'd remember that.
No, that's not what I'm saying,
although that'd be hot.
No, do you remember him?
- Yeah, vaguely.
- Well, I think
he makes a pretty good living
taking out Ionely babes.
I bet he does.
And you could probably
do the same.
Oh, no, that's
a terrible idea.
I could bang for bucks.
- Everyone's got to make a living.
- That's gross.
Oh, no, I think
I could do that.
- I could be your manager.
- Oh my God.
Wait a sec. You mean pimp.
You want to be my pimp.
Manager. Manager sounds
better on a business card.
Yeah, you know,
with my PR skills
and my old job alone...
I know so many cougs
that would love to take out
little Jakey here,
or should I say big Jakey?
Oh. Okay.
All right,
just say I do this...
I wouldn't want to sleep with all the
women, because I'd feel somewhat dirty.
Oh, come on,
you've been dirtier.
- Would I have to sleep with all the women?
- Not if you don't want to.
Oh, dude, I can go
by Gerard... my stage name.
- Gerard.
- Yeah, I like it... Gerard.
Okay. We could make some
real money off this, couldn't we?
Oh, totally.
I mean, definitely.
In a couple of weeks
we'll be rolling in it.
Of course
in the beginning
there'll be some
start-up costs.
How much money
did you make last night?
- Ronnie money, we need you.
- No no.
- We need it. Oh, come on, please.
- No no.
In no time he's gonna have the payback
and the rent... in a week, I promise.
And I promise,
if you front me this cash
plus two weeks' rent,
I'll totally pay you back.
Nothing to lose
and everything to gain.
Come on. You might even
get a girlfriend.
Fine fine.
Ronnie money honey,
honey, we're gonna
make some money.
I'm the pimp. I'm the pimp.
Who's the pimp now?
Look, first things first.
If you're gonna go for a cougar,
you're gonna have to step it up a notch,
- get you some style.
- All right, whatever.
Oh wait, I think this is it.
Yep, it is.
Okay, he's doing me
a huge favor, so come on.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Dominic has been waiting for you.
- Hey, I'm Jake.
- Um, you can step up.
- Of course, yeah.
- Dominic.
- Hi.
- This is Jake.
- You're already jumping up there, are you?
- Hey, how are you?
- How are you doing?
- Good, thank you. Great.
- Well well well.
Ooh, someone made
the right career choice.
I didn't have my breakfast today,
so you'd better watch out.
I mean, boing!
- Let me just check this inseam right here.
- Dude.
Wouldn't want you bursting
out of those britches now, would we?
- Wow.
- Thanks so much for doing this.
- You're such a sweetheart.
- Mwah!
Uh, Mousy, what is
Jorge doing here?
- He's my intern.
- He's your intern?
Does Ronnie know?
Because I'm sure he'd be very interested
to find out you're
poaching his employees.
Um, sweetie, you've got
a big old package,
but you need a body.
Listen, I can tailor you all up
and make you look all hot and shit.
However, you need
some gym action.
Look at these flabby arms here,
little chicken arms.
He's right, Jake.
Okay, so do you have any suggestions
for me? I live off Laurel Canyon.
Do I have any suggestions?
I am an overly opinionated
living in West Hollywood.
I am the proud father
of a purebred cockapoo...
little Lily Allen.
- You would die for her.
- Aww.
Do I know a gym?
Honey, a butch gym,
like you.
And come on back here
and I'll have you work on some glutes.
So we're all
through here, right?
Good stuff. Thank you.
Thank you.
- Keep it coming.
- I'll wait outside.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Oh my God.
This is your genius plan,
PR guru...
place an ad
in a newspaper?
Who even reads
a newspaper anymore?
I know women who read
are a little bit out of your comfort zone,
but I'm telling you
this is our perfect target demo.
- Please, I know how to read.
- Yeah.
- Well, if you say so.
- Yeah, I say so.
- Hey look, just go place this ad.
- All right.
Because I have to make some phone calls
to get you some business.
All right, all right.
Thank you, thank you.
- Hello there.
- Good morning. I'm Jeanie.
- Hello, Jeanie.
- Welcome to "The Hollywood Beat,"
the largest and longest-running
industry newspaper in all of Los Angeles,
established 1921,
winner of the 2009 Reel Time Award
for entertainment journalism.
How can I help you?
They really make you
say a lot, don't they?
Yeah, they do.
My name is Jake Dylan.
And I'm looking to put an ad in the next
week's newspaper.
Oh great. I will call
our advertising manager.
Thank you.
Robert, I have
a Mr. Dylan here
that would like
to place an ad.
He'll be right out.
- Perfect.
- Can you do me a favor?
I would love
to do you a favor.
Be patient with him.
He's very sensitive
about his impairment.
His impairment?
You'll see.
Just be patient.
Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
- You mind if I ask you a question?
- Sure.
You seem to be
in outstanding shape.
I was wondering
if there was, like, a gym
or something like a gym
around here
where I could maybe,
you know, bulk up a little bit.
Yeah, actually I go to a great yoga studio
down the street
- called Back Door Yoga.
- Back Door Yoga?
They have great
berry protein shakes
and my friend Norah is the instructor.
She's really good.
Her mom's best friends
with my mom.
Yeah, but it's great
for your core.
Clearly... clearly great
for your core.
It's not like a greasy,
sweaty, smelly...
Oh, no no, just good old
American yoga.
But the classes
are mostly girls.
- Well, that's okay.
- Except for Robert... my boss.
I took Robert once
and now he goes all the time.
You love it,
don't you, Robert?
Robert, this is Jake.
Mr. Dylan.
- Yo.
- Jake.
Here's all the information
that you will need.
And I hope to see you
at yoga.
I hope to see you at yoga too.
Thank you.
Oh, don't want
to forget this.
Can't forget my ad, can I?
Thank you.
Okay, it's just...
Oh, sorry.
Do you mind?
you want to place an ad?
Yes, I would indeed.
Right here.
"Boy Toy for hire.
Are you bored with
Ionely nights alone?
Are you tired of
being a third wheel?
Do you just want
to have some fun?
Well, if so,
call the Boy Toy!
555-0188. Satisfaction
and discretion guaranteed."
Blah blah blah.
There you go.
There's a picture
that goes with it too.
Nice, eh?
I gotta call it
to my designer.
it's m-me.
I have an ad.
"Boy Toy
for hire.
Bored with
Ionely n-n-n..."
Yeah, I can start over.
Hey, look, if it's easier,
I can read it to the guy.
Blow it out your butthole.
Fair enough.
Let me do my job.
- Okay.
- "Bored...
bored with
l-l-l-Ionely nights
Tired of
- being a third wheel?
- Wheel.
Just want to have
some f-f-f...
Hi. Yeah.
No, it says,
"Boy Toy for hire.
Are you bored with Ionely nights alone?
Just want to have some fun?
Call the Boy Toy!
Satisfaction and
discretion guaranteed."
All right.
All right.
How much do I owe you?
Whoa, $2100?
For what, man?
What do you...
what do you expect?
This... this isn't
"The Saver."
This is
"The Hollywood Beat"...
Of course not.
...the number...
- All right, all right.
200 right now. The rest I'll get to your
receptionist out front, okay?
- Great. Thank you. newsp...
- Look at that.
...the number one
news... newspaper...
- All right.
...the longest...
...running newspaper.
...running newsp...
Shoot shoot.
Oh, you son of a bitch.
- You bastard.
- That was close, man.
- Is your phone ringing?
- Yeah.
- Let me grab that for a sec.
- No, Jake.
- One second.
- Jake, Jake.
Listen, Ronnie,
I think I used
your telephone number
in the ad.
- You think you did?
- Hello, this is Boy Toy.
- Oh hey, Mouse.
- Shoot!
Yeah, some chick gave me the address
to this yoga place.
No, I'm gonna
head there now.
Okay, bye.
There you go.
She didn't want
to talk to me?
Are you busy right now?
I'm watching the game.
I'm gonna need a ride
to yoga in about five minutes.
Also I'll need to borrow a pair of shorts,
maybe a top.
Goal! Yes!
Oh, what a goal!
This is the spot right here.
Okay. Good?
- A hug?
- No.
Okay, good.
All right, be safe.
Call you later.
Make me proud.
Do it for me.
- Love you, buddy.
- Love you.
- Hello.
- Hello.
What's up?
I love yoga.
Hi. Norah.
Nice. I'm Jake.
Listen, this is
my first time to yoga,
so I didn't really know
what to wear, you know,
if you could tell
by what I'm wearing.
I can see that.
Listen, I was wondering maybe you and I
could partner up or something
and you could show me
a few moves.
Thank you. Actually I'm gonna
show you plenty of moves.
- I'm the instructor.
- Oh, you're the instructor.
Oh, that's great. I've got a really
naturally athletic body,
so don't hold back.
Push me.
Okay, I'll keep that
in mind.
What are you drinking there?
Don't tell me. Let me guess.
It's a protein strawberry
blueberry mocha-shake?
- Water.
- God, water.
- I was close, wasn't I?
- Close.
Let me guess, you're trying to guess
what she likes to drink
so she might actually fall for one
of your little high school one-liners.
Actually yeah.
Oh, well, that's too bad,
because my friend Norah here
has a very strict personal
and professional policy
where she does not date
her students...
- But l...
Which is such a shame.
But it's nothing personal.
I just don't date my students.
Why don't you go find a spot?
I think you guys got the wrong impression
about me, okay?
I'm here for my job
and to work out, maybe...
Jake, I'm so glad
that you came.
- Isn't this the cutest yoga studio ever?
- Yeah.
And you met my friend Norah.
Norah's the best.
- I did. She's great.
- Thanks, Jeanie.
- Hi Kylie.
- Bye Jeanie.
There's room next to me
in the back.
- L... no...
- Yeah, come on.
Thanks for bringing
your girlfriend.
Remember, a naturally
athletic body. Push me.
- What a loser.
- Go to your mat.
All right, guys, welcome.
Let's just stand here
for a second
breathing in,
letting go of our whole day,
putting it out the door,
focusing on the present moment,
exhaling through our nose.
Great. Wonderful.
These look beautiful,
you guys...
Okay, let's inhale.
On the exhale, let's bend that front leg
a little bit deeper.
Let's stay there,
inhaling, exhaling,
relaxing our shoulders.
That front knee is bent.
Great. Wonderful.
These look beautiful,
you guys... beautiful.
Okay, let's inhale.
On the exhale,
let's bend that front leg.
Great. Good job, Jake.
Okay, let's keep our front leg bent,
back leg straight.
Hips are gonna be facing
the front of the room.
Great job, you guys.
Everyone did fantastic.
See you next week.
Oh, wasn't that
so relaxing?
Relaxing is not really
a word I'd use
- to describe what we just did.
- Oh, sorry.
I was thinking about going to the park
and taking a run. You want to come?
- That's actually a great idea.
- Yeah?
Yeah, but I'm gonna stay here for a while.
But I'll meet you up later on.
Yeah? Pinkie promise?
- Okay, great.
- Okay.
- I'll see you later on.
- Sure.
Good job, Robert.
You're a natural.
- See you next class?
- Yeah, for sure, yeah.
Bye, guys.
Boy Toy.
Is that my beard trimmer?
Yeah yeah, man.
I've got to free the cobra
from the jungle, you know?
You mind?
Come on.
Thanks, buddy.
Question is, who's
the first lucky lady
to jump
on the Jake train?
Bitch is hot.
Yeah, she's got a handful.
I like this place.
A great place.
Cheers to us.
So, Sandra Dean,
tell me about yourself.
Where are you from?
Well, I'm a Southern gal,
I've had five
loving husbands.
- Five?
- But they all keeled over
before our five-year
Well, I guess I just
burn them out.
Ooh ooh.
They can't handle too much
Sandra Dean!
Oh, I love this song.
Hi Jake.
Remember me?
Becca. Becca.
Of course I remember you.
How could I forget you,
All right.
That's my... my Aunt Sandra,
my father's sister.
So where have you been? I haven't
heard from you after that night.
Oh, I was...
I've been, you know,
in the witness
protection program.
- Oh.
- Gerard, come on.
- Gerard?
- Um, that's my cover name.
Oh, all right.
- You should call me...
- I will.
...when you're done with this
- witness protection thing.
- Yeah.
I've really missed you.
- Same number?
- Uh-huh.
- All right, great.
- Bye.
Oh my sweet heaven,
that's your date?
Oh my God,
she's smoking hot.
I'll go out with her
for money.
No no, that's not my date.
My date's right behind you.
Who's this?
This gentleman is a friend
of mine named Ronnie.
- Hi hi.
- Yeah, say hi.
Nice to meet you.
You're Gerard's...?
- I like.
- Oh, she's...
How much more
for a threesome?
- For a threesome?
- We... I don't think...
Wow, I don't know.
How much is a threesome?
Ha ha! Mm!
Take this off.
Wait wait wait.
Whoa, one sec, one sec.
Sorry, Sandra, I don't...
I don't do it.
You don't do what?
I don't do it.
I don't go all the way.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal.
It's more of a professional
thing I have, you know?
Well, how about a dry hump?
- You just sit there.
- No, I know what it is.
I'll do all the work.
Hey, Norah, I've got
a bit of a problem.
You see, there's this really great
band playing this Friday
- at a friend of mine's bar.
- What's the problem?
I haven't figured out a way
to get you to come with me yet.
Look, Jake, I don't
really date my students.
Okay okay, that's fine.
Well, we can go and call it
a student-teacher conference,
you know?
It'll be fun.
I don't know how
to say this politely,
but I really don't date
guys in your line of work.
My line of work?
Yeah, let me guess, you are
a Hollywood something.
Hollywood some...?
No, I'm more of
an entertainment
entrepreneur, you know?
Come on, we'll go out
just for a few drinks.
It'll be great.
What do you say?
Come on.
Okay, fine fine fine,
as a student-teacher, okay?
- A student-teacher?
- Yes.
So her name is Mary
and you're picking her up
at her place.
And she's got the date
all planned.
Okay, please tell me she's
an upgrade from my last client.
Oh, for sure.
She's so much more mature.
Mature? Really?
I can deal with that.
Read 'em and weep, suckers.
Oh, did we win?
I don't understand this game.
Damn right.
I've been taking money
from Dierdra since
the Eisenhower administration.
- She cheated.
- I heard you.
- Good.
- You want a piece of this?
Okay, whoa whoa whoa.
It's not worth it,
okay, Mary? She's not
even in your class.
Did you call my Dierdra
an ass?
No no no, Fred.
No, Fred.
Relax, buddy. I didn't call her
an ass, all right?
You don't want to bust your hip
or bust a lung. Fred, Fred.
Tongue? You can
slip her some tongue?
Listen, boy,
you stay off my woman.
What? Look, I wasn't
talking to your wife, Fred.
- Freddy, I think I wet myself.
- I was talking to Mary.
Oh God.
Jesus, Fred.
How do you like me now,
- Damn it. Jeez.
- Kick his wrinkled ass, Gerald.
- What did you do that for?
- Bring it on, sonny.
- I'm not gonna fight. I'm not gonna hit you.
- Come on.
- I think I wet myself, Freddy.
- You're just jealous because
- Fred can't get his ding-a-ling up anymore.
- I'm not gonna fight you.
- Thank you for everything.
- Argh!
Now you threw your back out.
I hope you're happy.
See you later, suckers.
Let's get your stuff here.
Okay, let's go.
Calm down.
These women reflect poorly
on me as
a professional, Mouse.
We need to step up
our game.
I don't understand
why you're complaining.
You just made $2000
this week.
That's more money than
you made in the last year.
- You made $2000 this week?
- Yeah.
- Do I get to see any of that?
- No, not right now.
Do you know why? Because I was the one
that got dry-humped by the whaleopolus.
I was the one who had to make out
with a senior citizen
on the sidewalk in broad daylight,
not you two.
Okay, I don't know
what you want from me.
No one said this job would be fun.
Ronnie, did you say this job would be fun?
I did not say this job
would be fun.
It's not about fun,
you idiots.
It's about professionalism, okay?
We need to upgrade
if we're gonna attract new clients.
Don't you get this?
I'm also going to need
a new car.
How can you have a new car
if you don't have a car to begin with?
- Yeah.
- Have you forgotten about my car...
my life's savings
for my Smart Car?
Listen to me, okay?
There's over $2000 here.
But we need to reinvest it
back into the company.
Do you get that?
So, Mouse, take this,
go get me a car... a sweet car,
a really sweet car.
I can't drive that
beater anymore.
Also I get final approval
on all the dates.
Do you understand? I only want
hot cougars from now on.
No more B-team
nonsense, okay?
They have to be hot... hot women,
hot cougars, hot people.
- Okay.
- Did you get it?
- I got it.
- Good.
One more thing... I'm going on a date
with Norah this evening.
I'm taking her
to the Horntoad.
I probably won't be
paying for anything,
nor will I leave a tip,
just so you know.
When do you ever
pay for anything?
That's my room,
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.
Is that your buddy?
Yeah yeah, that's my
best friend Ronnie.
We moved out here together
when we graduated college.
- You went to college?
- I did.
Yes, I graduated with
a B.A. In Women's Studies.
- You're joking.
- If you can't get in touch
with your own feminine side,
how are you supposed
to be able to touch
somebody else's feminine side?
So what about
this new job?
It's sort of complicated.
See, a friend of mine...
Mouse... she's in PR.
And she sort of
hired me on
as a...
as an event planner...
hosting parties for rich folk,
that kind of thing.
- That's cool.
- Yeah yeah.
It's basically just high-class parties
for rich people.
I'm like an M.C.
I just sort of take care
of different people's needs,
depending on the party.
That's interesting.
So a pretty Southern girl
like yourself
living in Los Angeles is single.
How is this possible?
I decided a while ago
I wasn't gonna date models
or wannabe producers
or actors.
So that pretty much rules out
everybody in L.A.
Yeah, and the only ones
that are left are these macho,
types, yeah.
- Ballers.
- Ballers.
And with those guys... their ego
is always bigger than their manhood.
- Oh.
- And it's a little disappointing.
Wow, fortunately for me,
I possess none of those traits.
I am not macho.
I don't even own a watch.
However, I am
rather well endowed.
Really? Wow.
- Really?
- No, I'm not.
We should head
over there though.
Yes, should we?
Yeah, okay.
Why are men so obsessed
with their penis sizes?
I think it was you who brought up men's
penis sizes actually.
I think that you're right.
This is a really good band.
I hope you like them.
You're glad I like you?
- I meant the band.
- Oh, the band?
- Yeah, I thought you said...
- Yeah, I love the band.
Do you like me?
Oh my God, yeah.
They're great.
Holy shit.
Check it out.
That's the PR lady from that casting
I bombed, remember?
She's just a searing-hot little MILF.
Oh, I totally know her.
That's Barbra Skypes.
She owns one of the biggest
PR firms here in L. A...
totally loaded
and super single.
She'd be a great client.
All right, I'll see
you two losers later.
- Have fun at school, sweetie.
- Thanks, baby.
What are you doing sitting here?
- Sign her up.
- Oh, right.
- Get paid.
- I'm on it.
Make money.
Daddy needs a new car.
- Great.
- Miss Skypes.
- May I help you?
- Hi. I'm Mindy Lee.
Hey. I used to work
for Mr. Cahill
and I'm also acquaintances
with your friend Clive.
- Clive?
- Yeah.
Oh, but don't worry.
Everything I know and do
is always in complete
And how can I help
you then, Mindy?
Oh, please
call me Mouse.
Mouse... that name does
ring a bell actually.
And you said you used to
work for Mr. Cahill?
- I did.
- Ah, I know exactly who you are.
You're the one who slept with Cahill
and got his chauvinistic ass fired.
- That's me.
- Oh, thank you.
I tell you, I always
thought he was a jerk.
But since you got him fired,
my business has gone up 20%.
Yeah, well, he wasn't
much of a good lay either.
Oh gee, why am I not
surprised at that?
So, Mindy... Mouse,
what can I do to help you?
I was thinking
that since, you know, I helped you
with your business,
you can help me
with mine.
I have a really interesting
proposal for you.
Well, I'm always open
to interesting proposals,
especially from enterprising
young women like yourself,
so go right ahead.
Well, do you remember that
underwear campaign you worked on?
There was a model
named Gerard.
So, Mousetrap, I've got
a question for you.
How did you manage
to land Barbra?
What can I say?
I'm a saleswoman.
Don't screw this up, Jake.
I mean, Barbra is huge.
She could be a really
big client for us.
You know, if she likes you,
she might drop your name
to all her rich
old friends.
Mouse, have I ever
let you down before?
Look what she sent over.
She wants you to wear this
to the champagne thingy.
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- She's a demanding woman.
Oh yeah, that's snazzy
all right.
That is a sharp-Iooking
suit, boy-o.
Welcome to first class.
No kidding.
All right, I'm gonna
go throw it on.
- Do you need help?
- No, that's okay.
- No, I think you...
- It's okay.
Come on, Jake.
- Dashelle.
- Hello, Barbra.
- Dashelle.
- Hello, Barbra.
Oh, welcome.
So glad you came.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
That's Dashelle Jones.
He's in Benjy Bratt's new film.
- Right.
- Sofia.
Oh, that cover last month
was fabulous.
- Thank you, Barb.
- Thanks.
Oh, that poor girl.
I tell you,
she just looked
terrible on that cover...
all that coke she's
shoveling up her nose.
Helen, what a surprise.
Barbra, you sure know
how to throw a party, lady.
And you are?
This is Gerard, Helen,
and he is with me tonight.
Oh, wow,
what a gorgeous suit.
Paws off or we'll have to
get you declawed.
Pleasure to meet
you, Helen.
It's good
to meet you.
And please
call me Peaches,
like the sweet fruit.
And on that line,
I think we will exit.
Peaches, darling,
come look at
the magnificent waterfall.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
Gerard, I like you.
So far you've been
an excellent date.
Oh great.
So why don't we get a few
ground rules set, shall we?
- Sure.
- You're to never flirt,
fondle or fornicate
with any of my family or friends
unless given specific
consent ahead of time.
No problem.
- You're a quick learner.
- Ah.
If you're good to me,
I'll be good to you.
That's why I'm here.
Which brings us
to the sexual side.
I take care of myself,
I have a plethora of toys
at home that give me
a lot more pleasure than
the average man can offer.
Well, I'm not
the average man,
but I totally understand
where you're coming from.
And I'd also like
to point out
that you are
my very best client.
Well, as long as you
treat me with respect,
you will make a pretty penny
being on my arm.
And I might recommend your services
to some of my friends.
That's great.
And if I can speak frankly,
I must say
that you are by far
the most stunning 35-year-old
woman I have ever seen.
What a charming liar.
Shall we?
We shall.
Oh yeah.
You know, that's quite a physique
you have, Gerard.
Thank you, Barbra.
I haven't worked out
in six months,
but I have started yoga.
May I ask you something?
Are you happy?
Barbra, I couldn't
be happier.
And I owe it all to you
and of course Mouse
for hooking us up.
Yeah, for the first time
in my life
I have everything I ever
wanted... money, women,
a bed that doesn't smell
like Cheetos and piss.
It's great.
Well, there is something
to be said for that.
So the ladies are
treating you well?
Clients, you mean?
Oh yeah, I forgot.
Yeah yeah, mostly
they've been great.
Although Helen...
she got a little upset
when I told her
I don't screw.
But she seemed to get off
just fine licking my ears,
which is kind of weird,
but, you know,
goes with the territory,
That's why I like you,
Barbra, you know?
I don't feel dirty
when I'm with you.
I feel like
you actually
you appreciate me
for me, you know?
About that... Gerard,
there's something
- I've been wanting to talk to you about.
- Sure.
Excuse me, Miss Skypes,
there's a Mr. Clive here to see you.
Oh my God.
Darling, hold that thought.
I'll be right back.
Hey, baby,
what are you doing?
Um, I'm with a client
right now actually.
Oh, okay, real quick...
what are you doing tonight?
I have a surprise for you.
A naked surprise?
How's like 7:00?
7:00? Yeah.
Yeah, I can do that.
See you then.
All right.
- Thank you.
- Hi.
You're falling for him,
aren't you?
- You're falling hard.
- Maybe.
How is he in the sack?
I don't know.
Oh my God, what?
You haven't slept
with him yet?
You are such a good girl.
When is the big date, huh?
I think tonight maybe.
- Ooh.
- I don't know. I might as well, right?
- Yeah, I think so.
- I'm pretty much a born-again virgin.
I just want to, I don't know,
test the waters,
see exactly what
I'm getting into.
Hmm, interesting.
You're gonna need to maybe
take those granny panties off.
- Stop stop.
- What do you have in there?
- Stop it. Stop it.
- Let me see, let me see.
I thought we had
something special, Barbie.
Oh, don't call me that.
Now, Clive, look,
I have told you. I don't know how
to make it any clearer:
I've met someone else.
I've moved on
and you gotta go.
Why? Is he here?
Where is he?
I'll find that son of a bitch.
Clive, now.
Why are you doing this
to me, my queen?
None of the other ladies...
they don't call me back in, like, a month.
I can't pay my rent.
L... l...
I don't know what to do.
Please please, I haven't
had sex in three days.
Please take me back.
I'm so sorry.
I'll even let you do
the thing that you do...
the tickle in my
boom-boom, remember?
Clive, look,
I've met someone else.
Yeah, well, does he have
a Greek goddess body?
That is a goddess.
Mm, is everything okay
here, Barbra?
Everything is fine, Gerard.
This is the famous Gerard?
He looks...
he looks like a wet dog.
Look, is there something
I can do for you, man?
There's something.
You Americans are the same.
You think you can
just walk in here
and take whatever
you want, yeah?
I am the only boy toy
in this town, okay?
I lay the salami
around these parts.
Clive, look,
if you don't leave
I'm gonna call the police.
You picked the wrong Clive
to mess with, buddy.
You're actually the only
Clive I know, so...
Well, Clive this.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah yeah.
Ow, God.
I fight for my love.
Barbie, I will always
love you.
Oh, I used to love it
when he slapped me like that.
Come on,
he's just bitter.
Let's get some ice
on that eye.
So, Barbra,
listen, Barbra,
I really gotta get going.
You know, I was
thinking, Gerard,
we might take this arrangement
to the next level.
Let's call it
a promotion.
Oh, wow.
Oh shit.
Yeah, I thought
I would change into
something a little
more comfortable.
You know, you are such
a good-Iooking young man.
Barbra, I completely
agree with you on that, I really do,
but as much as I hate
to do this to you,
I have to go.
I have a personal engagement
I have to get to.
A personal engagement?
You know, I'm the boss
and I don't recall
another meeting.
You haven't forgotten that I'm priority
number one, right?
No, not at all.
But it's a personal thing.
It's not a professional thing.
So your personal life
is starting to interfere
with your work life.
Do you have any idea
how many men
would love to be
with me right now?
Clive, for instance.
I fired him.
Did you know that?
He was you
before you were you.
Look, I'm really sorry,
but it's per...
I fired him
and hired you.
Mouse assured me you
wouldn't create any problems.
Look, it's not a problem.
It's a personal thing.
I need to get to it.
I really do, okay?
- But I could come back.
- What time?
- 9:30.
- Sharp.
Thank you.
Now she wants to take
things to the next level...
the next level.
I cannot do this anymore,
you guys. I can't.
I don't understand why you
didn't just sleep with her.
Right, Jorge?
Please don't bring Jorge into this.
He can't even speak English.
Look, I can't sleep
with Barbra.
I really want
to sleep with Norah.
And you can't do both
I think I'm falling
in love with her.
Jake, what are you
talking about?
Okay, this is
so not good.
I mean, there's no room for love here,
or we're screwed.
I think it's really
beautiful, man.
I'm so happy for you, man.
This is wonderful.
I'm sorry, guys.
I have to tell her, like, tonight.
I gotta tell her the entire boy toy story.
I gotta...
- I can't do this to her anymore.
- Okay, Jake, as your manager
and your pimp,
I strongly advise against this.
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't care
what you advise anymore.
So what, you're just
gonna throw this all away?
Do you know how hard
I've worked?
You know, this isn't
just about you, Jake.
You got a commission
on every job, didn't you?
Ronnie got his money back.
He got his Smart Car.
Look, maybe Barbra will understand.
Maybe you're right.
I was being nice.
Barb will flip.
She will ruin you.
You will never work in this town again.
You'll be lucky if you can nail
a 50-year-old crack whore.
Well, maybe I don't want
to do this anymore, okay?
Maybe we don't need
all this stuff.
I'll find something else
to do with my life.
Oh yeah, with your
Women's Studies degree.
Yeah, you could work
at a women's health clinic
inspecting moldy vaginas.
- What?
- Vaginas get moldy?
That's disgusting.
Goodbye, Mouse.
Oh. I love you.
Love you too.
- This is it.
- Yay.
Oh, mama mia.
Now I got you,
you son of a gun.
You never said what
happened to your face.
Oh yeah, I kind of fell out of bed
this morning, hit the floor.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi. We have a reservation for two.
The name's Jake Dylan.
- Sure, right this way.
- Great. Thank you.
Wait, you fell out?
Wait, what?
I just rolled over
to the side.
Oh, honey, this place
is so romantic.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Thank you very much.
- A drink list?
- Yes.
Well, we won't be
needing these.
Hello. What can I
get you to drink?
We're gonna take a bottle
of your finest champagne, please.
- Oh, wow.
- Coming right up.
Watch out, ladies and gentlemen.
He is trying to get me drunk.
Big time.
Thank you.
Thank you...
...for such
a lovely evening.
Yeah, it was good.
It was really good.
Are you okay?
I need to tell you something
and it's pretty important.
I need to tell you
something too.
Okay, but let me go first,
because I really need to get this one out.
Ladies first.
When I met you,
I assumed
that you were like
every other wannabe in this town.
I mean, anybody
as cute as you
is usually a playboy.
What I'm trying
to say is
that I never thought
that I would feel
the way I do
about you.
And I'm sorry
that I judged you
before I got to know you.
Yeah, I never thought
I'd feel this way
about you either,
or any other girl for that matter,
which is why l...
I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not used to
this relationship...
you know, actually...
actually feeling stuff,
you know?
But I like it.
It's nice, huh?
Yeah, it is.
Great job, everybody.
That was great.
- Oh, that was great.
- Thank you.
- I loved it.
- Yeah, trippy, man.
All these stretches are totally gonna add
to my sexual repertoire.
Why do you think
I started yoga?
Oh, wow.
Sweetie, are you okay?
You look stressed.
Actually I really need to
talk to you about something.
Yeah, of course.
I'll just grab my stuff.
All right.
- Wow.
- She's great, isn't she?
- She's a catch.
- Dude, dude, we got trouble.
Isn't that that...?
Ready, sweetie.
- Hi.
- Mom?
- Norah.
- Barbra.
- Norah.
- Mom, what are you doing here?
Oh my God, Mom,
this is Jake.
This is the guy I've been
telling you about.
Wait a second,
who's Gerard?
- I am. I'm Gerard.
- No no no no.
Gerard is Jake, darling.
And Gerard stood me up
last night.
Jake, what is she
talking about?
Mom, what are
you talking about?
Jake, would you like to explain?
No no, let me do it.
You know, I just love
a good story.
Darling, you see,
Jake has recently
been in my employ.
Your employ?
Yes, sort of a personal employee,
you might say.
H-he's a b-b-boy t-t...
He's a boy toy
like me,
only younger and,
by the bulge in his sweats,
I think he has bigger penis.
You're an escort?
- No no, look...
- Yes.
I can explain all of this.
- In a word.
- Maybe.
Yes, I and an assortment
of other ladies
pay Jake very handsomely
to accompany us
to various functions
and events.
But what I didn't know
until last night
is that he also
knew you.
You said you were
an event host.
Well, look,
hosting these dates
is like hosting
an event, so...
- Yeah.
- Too true. That's really...
So when Gerard failed to show up
as promised last night,
I was forced to downgrade
to Clive here
who helped me
track you down.
I must say, Jake,
standing me up is one thing,
but to stand me up
for my own daughter...
I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know
she was your daughter. I had no...
You're apologizing to her?
No no, I'm not apologizing to her, okay?
I didn't know she was your mother.
I was on my way to tell you,
all right? I almost...
Oh, like I almost had sex
with you last night? Oh wait, I did.
Oh, disgusting.
I like it.
Get the...
look, Norah, I had no idea
she was your mother, okay?
- You have to believe me.
- Oh!
God damn it.
Right in the...
Jake baby,
I gave you a few
simple rules
and you just
couldn't follow them.
Not only have you
screwed me over,
you have embarrassed
my daughter.
And nobody messes
with my family.
Got it?
I know. This was
a complete mistake.
I never meant to hurt
you or your daughter.
Oh, Jake, you just screwed
the wrong lady.
You stay the hell
away from my daughter
and you stay the hell
away from me.
Well, Barbra, that's gonna
be a bit of a problem,
because I'm kind of in love
with your daughter right now.
Gee, you should have
thought of that
before you started dating
her mother. Clive.
I'm back in business, baby.
Who's the man now, Gerard?
- Clive.
- Coming, my queen.
She's gonna forget
about that in the morning.
- Clive.
- Little penis.
Come on, jump off his dick.
The guy's in pain.
Look at him.
He's hurting.
We need the old Jake back.
The old Jake is gone.
I'm a one-woman man now, okay?
God damn it, Jake...
he is not gone.
He is repressed.
He is there.
What happened to the Jake
that pioneered
the double-decker
threeway, huh?
What happened to the Jake
that was banned
from seven different
sorority houses?
What happened to the Jake
that needed bi-weekly
S.T.D. Tests?
- Eww.
- I don't miss taking those.
- Yes, but you miss the rest of it, right?
- Yeah.
God damn it, Jake,
we're getting you laid tonight.
Guys, it's a Monday.
What are we gonna do on a Monday?
God damn it.
We have this house
for another night, right?
- House party!
- Yeah! I like it.
All right, shit, shower
and shave, big guy.
You too, Jorge.
Everybody's gonna get laid tonight.
My heart's beating
so fast now.
See, this is why I don't
want to be too close...
'cause I think we both
might have heart attacks.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh man, I gotta go
check on my friend.
- Please don't go anywhere.
- Oh, okay.
Don't move.
Wait right here for me, okay?
Don't move.
My God, what's wrong
with you?
- What?
- You can't swing your dick in this place
without hitting some
hot piece of ass.
No no, I don't know, man. I think we
disturbed the chi in this place, buddy.
What the hell is the chi?
Chi... it's this yoga stuff Norah's
been teaching me, you know?
It has to do with, like, good vibes
and good energy... that kind of stuff.
I'm picking up some really
bad chakras here, man.
I'm not gonna last.
Chakras? I thought
those gave you gas.
Look, my blonde's talking
to somebody else now.
- That sucks.
- That sucks big time.
You go do something, okay?
I can't have you standing
over here looking glum.
- Lay your yoga stuff on these girls, man.
- Okay.
They love yoga stuff.
Okay, I'll see you in a sec.
Wait wait wait,
have you learned
- how to suck your own dick?
- Oh, okay, all right.
'Cause if I could suck my own dick,
I just wouldn't even leave.
- Oh my God, Jake.
- Oh my God.
What the hey, this is your party.
What a coinky-dink.
I had no idea
that you lived here.
This is my friend Ronnie.
I can't believe you're here.
- Hi.
- This is amazing.
Yeah, my friend Mandy
here... she was like,
"Let's totally not go to that party 'cause
there's not gonna be cute guys there."
I was like, "Yeah, there's totally
gonna be cute guys here."
And there totally are cute guys here.
And thank goodness
I painted my nails
to match my dress, right?
- Yeah, you did.
- So this is your party.
This must be your place.
You want to give me a tour,
- maybe show me your bedroom?
- Actually I was just...
You used to play baseball, right?
You want to show me your balls?
Okay, let's go.
Really? You want
to see these things?
My baseballs
or these balls?
Oh, wow.
This is so much fun, isn't it?
It's going super well.
- Mm.
- Okay, all right.
Okay, this is totally not like me.
I never hook up with random guys
because I'm totally paranoid about STDs
and teen pregnancy and...
- not that I'm a teen.
- No, that's good.
But you can never be too sure,
especially with guys.
Whoa. Why don't I put on some music?
What do you think?
Oh my gosh, music would be great.
That is so romantic.
- And guess what.
- What?
I've been been practicing
something just for you.
You don't say.
What is it?
It's called
the Belgian pretzel.
I learned it on this
naughty yoga website.
You just take your arms like this,
put your legs like this.
That's what you've been practicing?
Oh wow.
Is this too advanced
for you?
I know some beginner Kama Sutra stuff
if that would work better.
It just reminds me
of Norah.
You're thinking
of Norah?
Yeah yeah, I am.
Okay, you know what?
You totally shouldn't be,
because she is, like,
way over you
and I'm here and I'm doing this yoga pose
which is really hard.
She wouldn't even be able to do it.
We just go better together.
You know, we click.
Look, I'm really sorry. I just...
I can't do this with you right now.
Okay, well, if right now doesn't work,
how about tomorrow?
I'm free after work on Monday.
Tuesday I'm...
- Right.
- But I can see you after yoga.
Wednesday I have my
manicure and pedicure,
but we can do it right after that.
And then...
Okay, bye.
Look what you did.
You made him worse.
Okay, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
I thought a party would
make him feel better.
I didn't know he grew a conscience.
Don't you worry, Jakey.
These eggs I'm making...
they're magic eggs.
Ronnie's famous eggs...
they'll cure you.
I don't want
the magical eggs, Ronnie.
I just want
Norah back, man.
- Well, Christ Almighty.
- God, life sucks without her.
Well, weeping lizards, go get her back
if you want her then.
Don't just sit here
and whine.
If you put it that way...
sure, no problem.
I'll just run on over to her place
and knock on the door,
tell her I'm sorry
for being a male escort
and hopefully she'll take me back?
That's stupid.
All you have to do is
show her that you've changed.
Oh my God, you guys,
she's never gonna date
a male escort ever again.
I'm not even a male escort anymore.
I'm unemployed.
And I'm back living
in this dump.
Hey, man,
this is my house.
Maybe you could be the pimp
and I'll be the escort.
Do you think
she'll date a pimp?
Come on, Mouse,
you're not helping.
I'm being serious.
Jorge could show him the ropes.
That's not actually
a terribly bad idea.
What, pimping Mouse out?
Can't pimp Mouse out. She's already
had sex with everyone in Los Angeles.
- Hey, I haven't slept with you.
- Not yet.
- Mouse, bear with me. This could work.
- Huh?
Okay, think about this.
Boy Toy Enterprises,
Boy Toy Enterprises
You and I could run
the company, okay?
We'll hire a bunch of guys.
They'll be our escorts.
It'll be a completely
legitimate business, right?
Okay, look, we keep it
on the up and up
the entire time...
no sexual contact
of any type.
Our escorts will provide
the kind of service
that Ionely women all over this city
are looking for.
We're actually pretty good
at doing this, are we not?
Well, we did have kind of a solid reputation
until you screwed it up with Barbra.
But that's exactly what
I'm talking about, right?
- We could be partners... you and I.
- Like sex partners?
- No, not sex partners. Business partners.
- With sex?
No, not with sex.
Okay, thanks, Mouse.
Well, you may have something,
but the question is,
what will Norah think?
I don't know.
I have no idea, man.
But it's worth a shot, right?
Come on, Ronnie.
I need your help on this, buddy.
We got the security
deposit from the loft.
That could cover our costs
initially, right?
You could be
the C.F.O., man.
And and and and
we can find
a very very attractive young lady
to be your assistant.
I don't know, if we kept it legit,
you know, maybe got an office space...
Come on, say yes.
Come on, bud.
All right, I'm down.
Let's pimp some hos.
- Boy Toy Enterprises.
- Boy Toy Enterprises.
- Boy Toy Enterprises.
- Boy Toy Enterprises.
How may I help you?
Absolutely. Can you hold, please?
Yes, but can you hold,
please? Thank you.
Boy Toy Enterprises.
How can I help you?
Okay, so you said
you were looking for
the intellectual type?
Well, he doesn't have
to be a genius,
but he should be able to
maintain a conversation.
Sure sure, yeah.
Okay, that sounds good.
We'll get everything squared away.
Is there anything else?
He must have muscles.
Mm, yours will work.
Come on.
Um, okay.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay,
we're gonna email you some pictures
and some stats
within the hour.
Now Mouse here will get all
the necessary information...
a credit card,
everything else you need.
- I want you to relax.
- Thank you so much.
That's enough.
That's what we're here for...
providing you
the service you need, right?
There is no way
I would show up alone
to a ritzy dinner party
at Barbra Skypes's house.
It would be social suicide, darling,
especially for us pumas.
Whoa, hold on.
Did you say Barbra Skypes?
Yes. Do you know her?
Yeah. No no no, I don't...
I don't know her. I know her daughter
- Well...
- Is she gonna be there?
I suppose.
I will be waiting for that email
with high expectations.
- Got it?
- Of course.
- See you.
- Within the hour. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Take care.
You gotta watch the shop
for just an hour, okay?
- One hour... watch the shop for one hour.
- No no.
No no no, you can't. You can't bust in
on that party. You're gonna get arrested.
- Why?
- I hate to say this, but I agree with Ronnie.
- I'm not gonna get arrested.
- You're gonna cause a scene
with these high-class peeps.
And we've worked way too hard
to even just get some
of your clients here.
- You're gonna kill business.
- All right, it's cool.
- Stop.
- You guys are right. You're right.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
- God, you're gonna kill the business.
- You're right.
- Give me your keys. Give me your keys.
- No. Ow.
- Hey, Jake...
- One hour.
Jake, okay, I'll drive.
I'll drive.
I'm gonna take you.
Well, then I'm gonna go too.
Listen, guys, I really
appreciate you coming with me,
but you don't have
to do this, okay?
Well, if you're gonna
go down in flames,
I at least want
to watch.
Okay okay, look, the trick is to act
like you belong, okay?
Act like you belong.
You look really good.
- Jake.
- Thanks. You look really good.
- Thanks, buddy.
- Are you ready? Are you gonna do this?
- Are you gonna break some hearts?
- As ready as I'll ever be.
- You ever been to Switzerland?
- No no, I haven't.
What about older men?
Have you ever dated
an older man, Norah?
Not as old as you.
Okay, remember, just act
like you belong, man.
Hey, Christie,
nice dress. Jeez.
Hey, Mr. Belvedere.
Hey, buddy, listen, l...
- Jake, what are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?
I'm actually looking for Norah.
Have you seen her anywhere?
- Norah?
- Yeah.
- Jake, you are nothing but a doofus.
- Doofus.
A guy has never hurt me
the way you have.
- Ever.
- It's like you take my heart,
you stick it in the dryer and you
don't even use fabric softener.
Fabric softener.
Hey, how are you doing?
Hey, man.
- Hey, Gerard.
- Hi, Helen.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Good to see you.
Yeah, hey, you made an excellent choice
ditching Barbra.
- She's so high maintenance.
- That's great.
Yeah, now you're free
for a real woman like me.
You look great, Helen. I'd love to talk
about this, but some other time.
I'm looking for Barbra's daughter Norah.
Have you seen her anywhere?
- A little young for you, don't you think?
- Mm-hm.
What about you, Kylie?
Have you seen her anywhere?
- Seriously?
- Seriously.
What, are you Prince Charming now?
Are you gonna come win her back?
- God.
- You're so pathetic.
Thank you.
Hey, big guy,
quick question...
oh, it's you.
What's up, poop stick?
What are you doing here?
God. Have you seen
Norah anywhere?
Up my butt.
- Jake.
- Hi.
Hello, hey. Gerard Depardouche
in the flesh.
Fancy seeing you here, eh?
We just had a threesome in the bathroom
with your grandmother.
No, kidding.
Let bygones be bygones, no?
- Really?
- Yeah.
I got him with the psych.
I told you.
You're so stupid.
He's so... he's stupid, Mousy.
You dropped your dick
back there.
- You might want to go get it.
- That's funny. I like that.
Well, what would you say
if I had a 100' yacht
down at the marina
waiting for you and me
right now?
What, is that, like,
99' 8" bigger
than your penis?
Right? Get it?
Norah darling, you can't
just sit here and sulk.
You're becoming a distraction
for the whole party.
Mom, I don't want to mingle
with your old man friends.
Well, you can't just
sit here and pout.
- Hello, ladies.
- Gerard...
- Jake.
- Jake, what are you doing here?
Hi. Look, can I just have a word with you,
please, really quickly?
Jake, look, just get out of here.
Don't make me sic Clive on you.
Look, Barbra, I know
I broke your rules, okay?
But for what it's worth, I had no
idea Norah was your daughter.
I never would have bailed on you
if I didn't care about her so much.
I think you should leave.
Just hear me out
for one second, please?
Excuse me.
You just gotta hear me out
for one second, okay?
What could you possibly say
that could change anything?
I've changed.
You know what?
Enough. Enough.
All right, I knew
you were a playboy,
but you roped me in
with your stupid charm.
You lied to my face.
You had sex with my mom's friends.
You had sex with my mom.
And now all these people
are looking at me like,
"Poor girl,
she never saw it coming."
Norah, I hate to
interject, darling,
but Jake never slept
with me.
Jeez, Helen, I really
appreciate it,
- but I don't think that's helping right now.
- We just kissed.
We didn't have sex,
but you did do
an amazing pinkie pool.
We didn't either. He wouldn't even
let me touch his package.
I swear, sweetheart,
I only just licked his feet.
He was a perfect
All right, all right,
look, Norah,
we didn't
have sex either.
I appreciate it,
you guys, really I do.
That's sweet.
But none of this matters,
because you were still seeing
dozens of women behind my back.
Look, I was just doing what
I needed to do to get by, okay?
I was providing a service
for these ladies, you know?
Look, I was always
a gentleman.
I always treated them
with the utmost respect.
But I never ever cared for any of them.
It was just a job.
How do I know that you're not
gonna just turn into Gerard?
Yeah, is it Jake or Gerard?
Which is it today?
- Clive.
- Sorry.
How do I know that?
because I love you.
This is coming from a guy who's never
said that to anyone in his entire life...
well, except for Ronnie, but he's more
like a brother kind of love.
- I love you, bro.
- Thanks, buddy.
Look, I love you so much,
there's nothing
I wouldn't do for you.
And I'm just asking for
one more chance, please...
one chance
to make you happy.
And I'll never ever
disappoint you again.
I can't help it.
I love you too.
Hot... that's hot.
Ronnie, come here.
No, come closer.
- What?
- Come closer.
Did I tell you
I drive a Porsche?
Oh God, tell me it's red.
Do you know what? I like Porsches.
This one time when I was...
They call me Peaches,
like fruit, but sweeter.
And you?
George from London.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's wonderful.
What are you guys doing?
- Uh, we're just celebrating.
- Yeah.
We're just overcome
with happiness.
We'll meet you there. We'll just be, like,
two minutes or something.
Or maybe longer.
Probably more like
10 or 15 minutes.
Ow. Maybe
half an hour, okay?
Okay, well, continue.
Yeah, we're nipping at your heels.
We're right there.
- Okay.
- We're with you.
- All right.
- You look great in a suit. No, you do.
- I'm not lying. You look amazing.
- Bye.
So do you, Norah.
- See you guys later.
- Okay, bye.
Is that my beard trimmer?
Sorry, man.
Get the... out!
- , you little bitch.
We can't do this
nine times.
I'm not wearing
any underwear, you know.
So this is your genius
idea, eh, peeree guru...
Dead, abortion, dead.
This date's not
going well at all.
Also, I'm going on a date
with Norah this evening.
We're going
to the Horsetoad.
- What kind of bar is named Horntoad?
- Horn... horny.
Oh, coming?
Didn't you say simulate?
- Simulate, guys.
- Oh.
- What about Barb?
- What about Barb?
That's what I was
thinking too.
Yeah, you'll be working
at a women's health clinic
- inspecting moldy vaginas.
- Moldy vaginas?
Welcome to first class.
Damn it.
I took him once
and he loved it.
Right, Robert?
What kind of apartment... what are
you two doing in there, for God's sake?