Brad Williams: Fun Size (2015) Movie Script

I've been doing this for 11 years.
I did comedy because
I needed to be funny
to do something with
all the attention I got.
Like, everyone's staring at me.
It's like, oh crud!
And I gotta provide them with a moment
'cause they're looking at me
thinking that something's gonna happen.
And come on man, who doesn't wanna
just watch a midget
jump around for an hour?
That's just fun!
Like, people pay a lot of
money to do that in Mexico,
but they don't tell jokes.
Most little people, they
do comedy unintentionally.
They're not trying to be funny.
They just are.
Like, they're reaching up to grab something
on a high shelf and it's hilarious.
This just shows that we can craft jokes
and be funny, just like anyone else.
And it shows if you laugh at yourself,
you can take whatever your difference is
because we all have something.
I got dwarfism. You're bald.
The cameraman has a very small penis.
I mean, we all have,
- I mean, we're looking.
- Oh, yeah.
It's right in our view, dude.
But, if you're able to embrace
whatever that difference is
and then have fun with it,
that's when it doesn't hurt.
That's when it becomes a positive
and you can look that
deep that things are beyond
just what's on the surface
and that's what I hope
people got tonight.
Or just laugh.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
Brad Williams!
How we feelin' out there?!
Hell yeah, you guys are happy!
You guys are psyched!
Of course you're happy.
You know right now, your story beats
any one of your friends, no matter
what the hell they're doing tonight.
They'll call you up tomorrow,
"Shoulda hung out with us, man.
"We went out to a strip club.
They had a one arm stripper.
"She did a cartwheel.
It was ridiculous."
What kind of lame shit did you do?
Oompa Loompa made me laugh.
Fuck off. You win. OK?
Exactly. You're happy,
but of course you're happy.
You've got a little person
in front of you right now.
People are always happy
when they see midgets.
You can't help it.
A lot of you don't know who I am,
don't know what TV shows I've been on,
but I walk on stage, you're like,
"This is gonna be good."
You see a midget, you're
happy! You can't help it.
No one's ever seen a
midget and yelled out,
"Well, now my day has gone to hell."
That does not happen.
You see this, you're
smilin', you're laughin',
you know there's a good
shot you got a parade
and some candy comin' your way.
You're happy as hell.
Doesn't matter, you can
get fired from your job,
found out your wife is
blowin' some other dude,
you walk down the street,
you see me, you're just,
That's why we are not using midgets
properly in this country.
We have normal jobs!
We should not have normal jobs!
They should be giving
midgets to cancer patients.
How Awesome would that be?
Sorry sir, discovered you have cancer.
Damn it! Here's your midget.
Fuck yeah!
A lot of you didn't
like that joke at first.
Then I finished it, you're like,
"We will absolutely
support that charity.
"We will support that.
We should do a 5K.
"We should do a 5K.
"They're dwarfs. We should do a 2.5K.
We should do a 2.5K."
That's true! I do make people happier.
I did a show one time.
A woman came up to me
after the show and said,
"Brad, you're funny. I
run a children's hospital.
"I would love it if you came
down to the children's hospital,
"entertain the children,
brought them some smiles."
I say, "Yes. That's perfect."
I mean hell, you guys have
known me now for a few minutes
and you know my act is
perfect for the fuckin' kids.
So I say I'll do it.
I go to the children's hospital. I'm exaggerating
nothing. I walk into that door, a kid walks up to me,
puts his hand on my shoulder and goes,
"Don't worry. They'll fix you here."
Apparently, you're not allowed
to karate chop the sick kid, OK?
You're not allowed to do that.
Why did they, I'm there on my Saturday,
giving up my free time to help him,
he's gotta piss on my self esteem?
It happened over and over again.
I was walking down the hospital.
There were the, all these kids.
I mean, God bless em,
they'd be walkin' around,
draggin' their oxygen
tanks behind em like that.
Then they would look
up and see me and go,
"Jesus! Glad I don't have that.
Oh my God, that would suck."
But, I get it. I understand.
I understand why people are excited
when they see a little person.
I totally get it because
when I'm walking around
and I see another little person,
I get excited too.
I do! Then, you guys see two of us.
You get ridiculously
excited, you're like,
"Oh my God! There's two!
"I hope they do a trick. I
really hope they do a trick."
I do! I get excited when I
see another little person!
I'm not thinking about this constantly.
It's not always on my mind.
I don't walk around
all day in my head just,
"I'm a midget, I'm a
midget, I'm a midget."
I know. If your life had a DVR,
you would have all 30
seconds back right there.
I get it!
So, when I'm walkin' around, I
see the little person, I get happy.
Now, if the other dwarf I see is a male,
if I see a male little
person, I get excited.
But, at the same time, I
know, I have to fight him.
I don't know why that is.
I don't want to fight him.
He doesn't wanna fight me,
but we lock eyes, we're like,
"It's go time."
Why? Maybe dwarfs
are like Highlanders, like,
"There can be only one."
I don't know.
Now, if I'm walkin' around
and I see another little person
and it happens to be a female,
if I see a female little
person, I get excited.
You guys get quiet.
You see two little people come together,
you're just like, "Oh my God!
"This is like National
Geographic channel come to life.
"Shh! Don't say
anything. You'll scare em.
"It's his mating season."
Now, you would think
that that might offend me.
It does not offend me.
I'm going to fuck that
female little person, OK?
It's happening.
When it comes to dwarf pussy, I am a
Dyson vacuum. I don't miss a damn thing.
It's happening!
But Brad, she's a
woman. She has a choice.
What if she doesn't
want to sleep with you?
Are you kidding me?
I'm in the top five midgets in show
business. She's fucking me, OK?
It's happening. I'm top five!
I'm not number one. I don't
have delusions of grandeur, OK?
I know where I am, alright?
Number one, Peter Dinklage
from Game of Thrones.
I love that dude. Yeah, exactly.
Great show.
Number two is this guy
named Wee Man from Jackass.
He's pretty cool.
Some of you know who he is.
Some of you are just now realizing that
I am not Wee Man from Jackass.
You idiot.
Number three is a guy
named Warwick Davis.
He was in a movie called Willow,
an HBO show called Life is Short.
There ya go.
Number four, that's me!
I'm number four. That's not bad.
And then number five is the chick.
Damn it. What the hell
is that chicks name?
No, the dwarf chick. Oh yeah,
Justin Bieber.
That is a hot bitch!
I wanna do bad things to that woman
She is cute!
Obviously, that's a joke.
But, I said that one
night at a comedy club
in Hollywood, California.
I didn't know this. Bieber
was in the audience that night
and he did not like that joke.
He did not like it!
He walked up to me after the show.
He's like, "You're a son of a bitch.
"Hey, that was not
very nice of you to say."
I love that that's a true story.
I do, 'cause that's the thing,
is my jokes are a lot
of times true stories.
People ask me all the time,
"Brad, you're a comedian. How do you write your
material?" I don't! Here's how I write jokes.
Step one, be a dwarf. Step two, wait.
Funny shit's gonna happen to you.
I never know when.
It's not like I look down like,
"Oh, three o'clock. Funny
shit's about to happen."
No, it's not like that. It
just happens randomly.
Like, not too long ago, I
took my Mom out to lunch.
Now, before I go on with this joke,
just know that my Mom is
not a little person like me.
And my Dad, not a dwarf. No.
I know. We don't have to
all come from the same tribe.
You can't like, drive
down the street, be like,
"Which house do the dwarfs live in?
"It's the mushroom with the door in it."
So, my Mom is driving.
I'm in the passenger seat.
Not a booster. Fuck off.
I'm in a normal chair like a big boy.
My Mom comes behind this
guy and this guy's tryin' to turn
down a one-way street,
but he's goin' the wrong way
down the one-way
street and this is causing
all sorts of traffic and
people are honking
getting very upset.
My Mom is right behind him. She is polite.
She is the prim and proper Southern belle
from Savannah, Georgia
and she looks at the guy, she goes,
"Uh, excuse me there, sir.
"I don't believe you can
make a left hand turn
at this particular intersection."
I know! You hear that, you
want lemonade right now!
Don't you? That's my Mom!
And then this guy proceeds
to look at my mother
and goes, "Why don't
you shut the fuck up?"
I am killing you right now
I kill you. You say that to my Mom?
That's my Mom. I love my Mom.
She gave birth to me
and just so you know,
giving birth to a dwarf is not easy.
It's not like you just sneeze
and we fly outta there, OK?
Like, the Doctor isn't sitting
there with a catchers mitt
No. That doesn't happen.
No! It is very hard to
give birth to a little person.
When I was born, my head
was about the same size
as it is right now, OK?
Do you understand what that means?
And my Mom never complained.
She never once complained.
My Dad, he complains
about it all the time.
He tells me like, "You
realize that was the first pussy
"you ever tore up?"
But yeah, that's my Mom.
She gave birth to me.
I will defend this woman.
I will die for this woman.
So, I get outta the car and
I start yelling at this guy.
"What the hell did you just say?
"What the hell? Get out here!
"Get out here, ya son of
a bitch! Let's go asshole!"
And he gets outta the car and I'm like,
"Oh, shit. This is actually
happening right now."
OK uh, this is going to come
as a shock to you people.
I don't know how to fight.
No such thing as midget UFC, OK?
There should be midget UFC.
That would be awesome.
Like me and Wee Man in a ball pit
at Chuck E Cheese. Let's get it on!
It's not. So, I don't know how to fight.
The only fighting I know is stuff
I learned from video games in the 90s.
So, this guy's charging at me
and outta some weird instinct,
I just look at him and I go, "Hadouken!"
I just say hadouken!
Now, for those of you
who don't know what that is,
I will explain.
There was a video game in the 90s
called Street Fighter 2, OK?
Street Fighter, yeah.
There were two characters in that game.
They wouldn't just punch and kick. No.
They would yell out
"hadouken" and they would
throw a fireball from their hands.
A fireball 'cause that
might be useful in a fight.
Eh, punch, kick, eh fuck, fireball.
It works and that's why I,
I don't know. Hadouken!
And I just yelled it out.
You think I'm crazy, but this shows you
how much people don't
know about little people.
I yelled out hadouken.
This guy flinched and
then like, ran away.
He ran away!
Do you understand what that means?
That means that when
I yelled out hadouken,
this guy thought, "Well, he is a dwarf.
"He can probably throw a fireball.
"I'm bookin' it."
At that point, I would
give all my money.
All my money to be there when this guy
told his friends this story.
"No bro, you have no idea
what happened to me, man.
"I yelled at this woman
today. She got pissed off.
"She had a button on her car.
"An attack midget just like
ran out of her car like that.
"It attacked and it starts
throwin' fireballs at me.
"I block it and like, dodge and do that.
"I didn't even know
they had attack midgets.
"I have seen every episode of MTV Cribs.
"You never saw 50 Cent
like, Yo, this my Mercedes
"and it comes with a motha fuckin'
"attack midget right there. It never happened. "And
you would assume that for Mercedes or BMW, sure.
"But, based on what I saw
today, let me tell ya right now.
"Kia has stepped their game up!"
I don't know!
I don't know when these
things are gonna happen.
Common, everyday activities
can turn into crazy stories
at any time.
I was having lunch not too long ago,
one of my best friends, Adam,
and we're at a McDonald's.
I know. I've made it in show business.
And, now this particular McDonald's
had a play place
attached to it, alright?
Me and Adam are just
sittin' there. We're talkin'.
All of a sudden, this kid, I don't know
if he thought that I
was threatening his hood
or like, invading his turf,
but he just runs outta the play place.
He's got a ball from the ball pit,
sees me and just hucks this and pssh,
nails me right in the head.
Can't miss this son of a bitch, OK?
So I pop up, like what the hell?
I see it's a kid. I don't care.
I have street cred. I
gotta defend myself.
I'm goin' after the kid.
I start walkin' after him.
Now, Adam, my friend, he's a tall guy,
but he essentially works
for me, so he's like,
"Alright, I guess we're beatin'
up seven-year-olds today",
and he started walkin' after him.
Now, this particular play place
must have had an incident of some kind
because they had a security guard
and he sees Adam coming towards me.
He's like, "Hey, you
can't come in here."
Then he looks at me, he's like,
"Yeah, you can come
on in here, that's cool."
I'm not offended.
I just got the green
light to whoop some ass.
So, I went in the play place.
I look around. I see the kid.
But, the other kids that
are there in the play place,
they see me walkin', they start clapping
and cheering and getting all happy.
I'm like, "what the
heck?" And then I realize,
they think I'm a new mascot.
Like, there's the Hamburglar
and Ronald McDonald
and now there's the
McNugget midget apparently.
Imma make it rain sweet
n' sour sauce. Ya know?
And now, they're clappin' but
I see the kid and he sees me.
We lock eyes and he turns around
and he runs up the slide.
Now, he's in the tubes 'cause he thinks
he's safe in the tubes. You dumb fuck.
You are not safe in those tubes.
I am 4'4". I can run in those tubes, OK?
I get in the tubes. I'm Super Mario.
He got the star. I'm good.
So, I run up the tube. I see the kid.
I run right up to him. I grab him.
I start draggin' him out
by his little Stride Rite, OK?
I'm draggin' him out. Yes, I
know what Stride Rite's are.
I sometimes have to
wear them myself. OK?
Not all the time. Sometimes,
you guys get sexy shoes.
You guys got real sexy shoes tonight.
These are good. I
don't always wear these.
Sometimes, I gotta do shows and I got
lights blinkin' from
my shit. Not that sexy.
Now, I'm yelling at the kid.
Why'd you throw the ball at me?
That was not very
nice. You don't do that.
As I'm yelling at him, the kids Dad
comes running up behind me, pissed off.
I don't see the Dad.
I'm just yelling at the kid,
but Adam, my friend, he sees the Dad.
He does what any good
guy friend would do.
He goes, "Let's see what happens here."
The Dad runs up, grabs
me by the shoulder hard,
whips me around, sees my face and goes,
"I was not expecting that."
Like, what were you expecting?
I don't know, like, I think
he thought I was a kid,
then when he whipped me
around, saw my beard, it was like,
"I was not expecting that."
It's like, I'm 30. You shouldn't
say that to another man.
The only time you should say that
is if you're makin' out with a chick,
you pull off her
skirt, she's got a dick.
I was not expecting that.
So now, the Dad's in
this weird circumstance.
He looks at me. He looks at his kid.
He looks at me. He
looks back at his kid.
He goes, "I can do nothin' for ya, boy,"
and he starts walking off.
That's when I know I've
won. I got away with it.
And this Dad wanted to hit me.
He wanted to hit me, but
you can't punch a dwarf.
You punch a dwarf, that's a hate crime.
I got away with it.
That's the best part about being a little person.
The best part is that you can get away with stuff.
I get away with stuff all the time
because I'm adorable.
If you're cute, you can do things.
I can steal and it's fine.
It's fine. I've done it!
I was at a grocery
store not too long ago.
I was there with my buddy.
He dared me to steal something.
Your buddy dares you to
do something, you gotta do it.
So, I go to the cookie aisle.
I get a crapload of Keebler cookies.
I put em on my shoulder
and I just start walkin'
out of that place with
the Keebler cookies.
this little 17-year-old clerk sees me,
he walks up, he's like,
"Uh, excuse me, sir.
"Are you gonna pay for those?"
And like a boss, I
just look at this guy,
I go, "Nah, bro, my family
makes these. It's cool."
He let me go!
Let me go!
Of course he let me go.
In his mind, he's like,
"Yeah, he's here doing quality control.
"I can't stop that from happening."
This stuff happens to me all the time.
It happens in my normal life.
It happens during shows.
I had a show not too long ago.
A group of four women came to my show
and one of the women
in this group of four
has something that's
called achondrophobia.
For those of you who
don't know what that is,
that's a fear of little people. Alright?
And that shit is real, OK?
It's real and it's not,
"Oh, he's kinda creepy."
It's more like, "What the fuck is that?"
OK? Like, it's nuts.
Now, here's the best part of the story.
The three friends brought
this woman to my show,
sat in the front row.
All of them knew she had achondrophobia
and they were all just sittin' there like,
"This is gonna be a hoot. Oh my God.
"This is gonna be so good."
Now, I'm all for a good practical joke.
I love a good prank.
Just warn me. OK?
Send me a tweet. An e-mail.
Something so I know it's gonna happen.
If I would have known that this woman
was afraid of little people,
I would've run on stage
wearing a Viking helmet,
just like, I would've had a good time.
But I didn't know!
So, I walk out on stage like I'm gonna do my
normal show. I reach up to grab the microphone.
Before I even touch the microphone,
this woman stands up and
in front of the entire audience,
just goes, "JESUS CHRIST!"
Remember, I don't know
why she's doing that.
I'm trying to do a show.
Woman yells Jesus Christ,
I start looking around.
Is Tim Tebow here?
So, I look at her, I'm like,
"Sweetheart, what is wrong with you?"
And she goes, "I am
afraid of little people."
Alright. First of all...
fuck you!
OK? How could you be afraid?
How could you be
afraid of little people?
It's not like this shit
is contagious, alright?
I can't walk up to you, bite your knee
and you go, "I'm melting."
That doesn't happen.
So I asked her. I said,
"Why are you afraid of little people."
I'm gonna tell you what she said.
Just, please understand
this is what she said, OK?
Not what I said. I didn't go home.
I didn't write this down, like oh,
I think that this would be really funny.
I don't think this is funny.
But, it's what happened. So, here we go.
I say, "Why are you
afraid of little people?"
She goes, "Every time
I see a little person,
I just know they're gonna rape me."
What the fuck?!
That happened at a comedy show.
A comedy show. Then, her three friends
were looking at me like,
you can make that funny, can't you?
No, I can not make that funny!
What's my comeback? You're not my type.
Are you kidding me?
So, I look at this woman.
I understand it's a delicate situation.
So, I look at her.
I'm like, "Sweetheart,
"I get it. What you just
said is the most horrific thing
"that could ever happen
to another human being.
"But, what you have to realize
"is that what you just
said, is impossible, OK?
"It's impossible. It can't happen.
"There's no such thing
as midget rape. OK?
"Does not exist."
Now, ladies, if you're in the audience
right now and you're one of these people
and you're fearing midget rape,
just know there is one move you can do.
One move you can do that will stop
all forms of midget rape.
It works 100% of the time.
Here's the move. Just!
Some of you are
waiting for another move.
No, that's it. That's all you do.
Palm, forehead. Bam.
Like, you do that.
I'm stuck wavin' just,
Oh wow, Brad, that's insane that you met
one person that has achondrophobia.
No. I've met quite a
few people that have it.
It's pretty common, which is weird.
I've even met one celebrity that has it.
Don't worry. I'll tell ya who it is. OK?
John Stamos.
Yes. That John Stamos. Yeah.
He's got achondrophobia.
I didn't know that until I
did a show with Bob Saget,
his co-star from Full House.
I had a charity show with him.
Saget rolls up to the
show with John Stamos
and Dave Coulier.
They are still all friends,
which is awesome.
I'm sittin' in my dressing room.
All of a sudden, Saget bursts into
my dressing room. He's like Brad...
You have to come meet John Stamos."
And I'm sittin' there like, "Well, yeah.
"I love the show Full House."
Uncle Jesse. Jesse and the Rippers.
The catch phrase "have mercy".
I would love to meet John Stamos.
He goes, "Brad, you don't get it.
"Stamos is terrified of little people."
Then I know what I must do, Bob Saget.
The plan goes into action.
Saget runs into his dressing room.
He starts talking to
Stamos, distracting him.
As soon as Stamos turns his back,
I know that's my queue.
I run in. I see Stamos.
I run right up, I grab
his leg, I start humpin'.
And this is, this is not a comedic hump.
I am hate fucking his leg, OK?
I'm gonna tell you this right now
and understand this, John
Stamos screams like a bitch. OK?
He does. He looked down, saw me, "Ahh!",
like just started freaking out.
Then he starts kicking
his leg, like that.
Like he starts kicking his leg,
like I'm some horny
cocker spaniel or something.
But you're not gettin'
me off 'cause I have
little pug arms and when I
latch on, I fuckin' latch on.
So, I'm good. I am riding his leg
like it's an out of control fire hose.
Dude, this is the rodeo.
I'm surviving for eight seconds, OK?
While this is happening,
Saget is on the floor laughing.
And then, in a moment
that I could not write
if you gave me a thousand opportunities,
Dave Coulier walks
into the dressing room,
sees me humping Stamos's
leg and without missing a beat,
just goes, "Hey Brad! Cut it out!"
I can die now.
This is my life.
It's insane.
Stuff happens here. Stuff
happens when I travel.
Stuff happened when I
took a trip recently to Brazil.
I went to Brazil for the World Cup.
And that was amazing. It
was an unreal experience.
But I'm gonna tell you
guys something right now.
Brazil is scary. OK?
It's scary, 'cause I
thought it was all that.
It's not. It's scary.
Like black guys from Detroit are like,
"I ain't goin' to
Brazil, mother fucker."
I didn't know it was scary until
I apply for a Brazilian Visa.
Then they handed me a pamphlet.
This pamphlet said five
easy steps to survive in Brazil.
Yeah, they don't do that
when you go to Italy, OK?
It'll be one step.
Make sure you wear a helmet when you're on
the scooter. Caio. Like, that would be it!
Not Brazil!
Step number one, make sure at all times,
you carry on you a fake
wallet and a fake cell phone
for when you get mugged.
Key word there, when
you get, not if, when.
This is gonna happen.
Step number two. Make sure you blend in.
Try not to stand out in any way.
How do I blend? This does not blend, OK?
I am the worlds largest keychain.
Do you understand that?
This doesn't, the only way I'm blending
is if I get off the airplane,
there's 500 of my people going,
"We represent the lollipop guild."
That's it.
So, I go to Brazil and I got mugged.
I did. Yeah, I got mugged.
I got mugged after the USA/Germany game.
Yeah, I watched the game.
I go out to the corner. My friends say,
"Hey Brad, we're gonna go get a cab.
"Wait here. We'll bring the cab to you."
I say fantastic. I'm waiting there.
All of a sudden, something
long and hard jams into me.
At first I'm kinda like,
ooh, somebody likes me.
But I look over, nope.
That's a gun. That's a gun.
And the guy goes, "Wallet. Phone. Now."
But then I realize, I read the pamphlet.
I have a fake wallet
and a fake phone on me.
I'm almost excited to be mugged.
I'm like, "Oh my God.
I've trained for this."
I hand the fake wallet
and the fake phone.
He takes it and he runs away.
My friends see what happened.
They run up to me very concerned.
"Brad, oh my God, are
you OK? We saw it happen.
"Are you hurt?"
I'm laughing the entire time.
They're like, "Brad,
why are you laughing?"
I'm like, "Because I read the pamphlet.
"I gave him the fake
wallet and the fake phone
"and three days before I came to Brazil,
"I was really bored. I
took the fake phone.
"I took about 38 pictures of my dick."
I did! I was bored one day.
I'm like click, click,
click, click. Click. I got it.
Now I'm just picturing
this guy going home,
"I got a cell phone, I
got a cell, what the fuck?!
"Why does a dwarf have
a bigger dick than me?"
It's fun to travel, man.
It's fun, thankfully to have a cool job
where I get to travel
for a living and perform.
And the most rewarding
time I ever had in my life
was not too long ago.
I got to perform in the
Middle East for the soldiers.
I did a USO tour over there.
It was the best.
Soldiers are the best audiences.
They don't give a crap about political correctness.
They just want you to laugh. They want you to be honest.
They want you to be true.
They have to have a good sense of humor.
You do a job that serious,
you have to have a good sense of humor.
I get off the C130 plane in Afghanistan.
Group of five soldiers there to meet me.
They walk up like, "Mr. Williams,
"we're so happy you're here."
I'm like, "Fuck yeah, you guys wanna laugh,
right?" They're like, "Nah, you're a midget.
"We wanna do some fun shit with you."
Right, like was there a
meeting the day before?
Like some Commanding
Officer is on stage,
"We have a dwarf
coming on base tomorrow.
"We need some ideas
for some fun shit to do.
"Henderson, whatcha got?"
"Do we have any large cannons?"
"Good idea, Henderson."
I ask em, I'm like, "Guys,
"what sorta fun shit you wanna do?"
They say, "We wanna take
you on a Blackhawk helicopter."
I'm like yes.
I'm going on that.
And I tell that to my friends and
they're like, "Brad, weren't you scared?"
No. You have to understand who I am.
The life I've lived.
I'm the guy that,
when I go to Six Flags,
I can't ride half of their shit.
And now, the US Government just said,
ya see that death machine?
Do you wanna hop on?
Erection. I'm good.
So, we go to fly in a
Blackhawk helicopter.
Now, before you fly
on one of these things,
they don't just let you go.
They have to put gear on you.
They put a helmet and a vest.
Apparently, there's not a
lot of midgets in the military.
Helmets and vests are
not made by Osh Kosh.
They're not made by Osh Kosh.
First of all, the guy
brings me out a helmet.
He assumes that
because I'm a little person,
I have a tiny head. Wrong.
I do not have a tiny head.
I have a big fucking head.
OK? I don't have dreams.
I have movies. OK?
So, they bring out this little helmet.
They're pulling it on
my head. It doesn't fit.
They're pulling it down. It doesn't fit.
They have to get an
extender strap for the chin
and buckle it and
buckle it and buckle it.
Now the chin fits.
That doesn't change
the size of the helmet.
The helmet is still
sitting on top of my head,
not protecting shit.
It's not even a helmet at this point.
It is a war yamaka.
I'm thinkin' to myself, great,
I'm going into a
country that has a lot of
pissed off Muslims and
they dressed me like GI Jew.
This is gonna go well.
Thank you, smart people,
for laughing at that joke.
Some of you got it.
Some of you guys are like, "Wait,
Jews and Muslims "don't get along?"
Kill yourself, alright?
End it. Nobody likes you.
So now, they get the helmet to fit.
Now, they bring out the vest.
Now the vest would be a vest
on any one of you nice people.
On me, this was a
bulletproof moo-moo. OK?
This thing went down below my knees,
below my knees and they told me,
"Run to the helicopter."
I'm like alright, I'm gonna
run to the helicopter.
I'm gonna look like a badass.
I did not look like a badass.
I looked like a fuckin' penguin.
Like, I was running like
that shit the entire time.
100 yards. 100 yards of this.
The only thing that was missing
was Morgan Freeman
narrating the damn thing and his,
"And now we see the little people
make their way to the
Blackhawk helicopter."
As I'm running, I trip and fall
in the middle of the runway.
I know. I could end the
joke right there if I wanted to.
Dwarf down. Hilarious.
As I'm laying down, one
of the soldiers yells at me,
"Mr. Williams, you've gotta get up!
"This area is surrounded by snipers.
"If you stay down, one of
them is gonna take you out."
Not scared. No. Not scared of snipers.
Two reasons. One, damn
near impossible shot, OK?
Two, you're not even
gonna get the shot off.
Could you imagine? You're a sniper.
You're up in the hills,
been there for days.
You're scanning for the
enemy and all of a sudden,
you come across me.
You're just up there like,
"OK, where the American? I kill the American."
"Where the American? I kill the American."
"Where the American?
I kill the American."
"Achmed, get the fuck over
here right now, Achmed."
"Achmed, get the fuck
over here right now."
"You have no idea what I am
looking at right now, Achmed."
"No idea. If I were to describe to you"
"what I am looking at right now,"
"I would only be able to describe it"
"as happiness. I am looking at
happiness right now, Achmed."
"When I die, fuck the 72 virgins."
"I want one of those."
So, now I get up, make my
way to the Blackhawk helicopter.
Now, Blackhawk
helicopter is about yay high.
Alright? I can't get in that.
I'm wearing the moo-moo vest, OK?
I look at the soldier.
I'm like, "Hey bro,
can you help me out?"
He says, "No problem."
Pulled a lever, little
handicap helper step flies out.
Sweet, except for the helper step
was about that frickin' high.
Still can't get in.
I had to ask this soldier to do something
that I swore, as a little person,
I would never ask anyone to do, ever.
I look at him like, "Alright bro.
"You're gonna have to toss me."
And the smile he got on his face,
like, "This is what I signed up for!"
And he grabs me and he
could have just thrown me in
real quick and it would've
been done, but no.
He had to enjoy himself.
He picks me up, he just goes,
"One... two..."
He finally picks me up, he tosses me in.
I get in, sit down, buckle up.
Good to go.
But, before we start flyin',
pilot turns around.
Pilot has a little speech for us.
And this is the speech that I hear
right before I take my first
helicopter flight in Afghanistan.
Pilot looks at us and goes,
"Alright, Mr. Williams. This is Bagram Air Force
base," "Afghanistan. Some shit goes on here."
"We don't anticipate
anything to happen,"
"but something might happen
and we do have to prepare you"
"for such a scenario.
What sometimes occurs,"
"these particular helicopters,"
"they get fired upon by
something called RPG,"
"rocket propelled grenade.
You might know it as a bazooka."
"If this is to happen,
you'll hear the words"
"fire in the hole, followed
by our machine gunner"
"on board return fire. If
you hear our gun go off,"
"it is no longer a combat simulation."
"It is a real live war scenario
with real live consequences."
"We will do everything in
our power to keep you alive."
"We will do some evasive maneuvers."
"You will curl up in a fetal
position. You'll be fine."
I stopped listening
after you said bazooka.
Now I'm scared. Now I'm terrified.
But, I can't show fear.
I'm on a helicopter with a bunch of
18 and 19-year-old badass Marines.
I can't be a 30-year-old man like,
"I don't think this is a good idea."
Can't do that.
So I'm like, "Alright
Brad, just shut up,
"try to be cool."
I'm glad I had that attitude 'cause we
took off, Oh my God, this was so much fun.
We start flying over the base.
Soldiers are describing the base to me,
the function of the buildings.
I'm crackin' jokes. They're laughin'.
We're having a great time.
Then we flew outside of the base
and you wanna know what happens
when a Blackhawk helicopter
flies outside of the base?
You have to test fire the machine gun
to make sure it works.
They didn't tell me that.
No. They told me you
hear the gun go off,
kiss your ass goodbye.
That's what I heard.
So, we get outside the base,
outta nowhere, you just
hear, "Fire in the hole!"
I had my first period right
there on the damn helicopter.
I was lookin' around like I hope
Kotex comes in camouflage.
This is a heavy flow day.
I had fun there, man. I had fun.
I learned a lot. Learned a lot.
I thought we only had
American troops over there.
Not the case.
We have a lot of different soldiers
from a lot of different countries over there. I got
to meet and talk to these brave young men and women.
And oh man, ladies, now
I know what you mean
when you say you love
accents 'cause, yeah.
I talked to this one British
soldier for like an hour
and I'm just staring at him
like, "Don't ask, don't tell."
And it was that sexy British accent,
that South London, Jason
Stathem type British accent.
Oh my God. Ladies, you
could be on a date tonight,
but if some guy taps
you on the shoulder,
you turn around and all you hear is,
"Hey, I was looking at you
from across the room.
I thought to myself,
there's a pretty good
lookin' bird right there.
Let me tell you what. I've
got a BMW 325i parked outside.
We can go out there, shag you rotten
and back here in 30 minutes.
That's why they call me
the Transporter, bitch."
By the way,
Guys, I just preheated
every oven in the room.
You're welcome.
That's a sexy accent.
Now, just because you have an accent,
do not think it is automatically sexy.
There is a hierarchy
to these things, OK?
British, up here. Australian, up here.
Indian, not the same.
Ladies, you're not gonna
have the same reaction
if you turn around and all you see is,
"Excuse me, my little
delicate desert flower.
I was looking at you
from across the room
and might I say, you are
so exquisitely beautiful
that if you were to be in my country,
you would be more sacred than a cow."
"Oh yes. Oh yes."
"I would like to do some
bad things to you, I would.
If it were up to me, I
would take you home,
spread your legs and I
would eat you like curry."
"Yes, I would like to. What? I
can not talk dirty to a woman
just because I am Indian.
Let me tell you something.
I can talk dirty. I will
say some filthy things.
I want to bend you over, grab your head
and whisper something
soft and sexy in your ear like,
who's your customer
service representative?"
"Who's your customer
service representative?
You want me put on
hold? I will put you on hold!"
The only good part is
that once he finishes up,
he's like, "Thank you. Come again."
This is fun!
I love my job.
I get to do this for a living.
I get to travel.
Traveling's great.
Don't get me wrong. It's hard sometimes.
Ya know, you gotta leave your family.
I hate leaving my family right now,
'cause two months ago,
I became an Uncle
for the very first time.
Yeah! Uncle.
I didn't do anything, but yeah.
My sister gave birth
to a healthy baby boy.
His name is Liam.
And like, I saw her pregnant
for the whole nine months,
but I didn't really think about it
until he was born and then
my brother-in-law comes in
with Liam and he looks at me and goes,
"Hey, congratulations.
You're now Uncle Brad."
And he hands me Liam and I look at him.
I didn't know what love was.
I had no idea and now
I'm staring at him going,
oh, this is what this is.
I love you. I love you unconditionally
and without prejudice and you have done
absolutely nothing to deserve this love.
Nothing. Your life
resume reads, "shit once".
That is it, but I love you
and I'm having this moment
of realization of the
most powerful emotion
in human existence and my
Dad from the back of the room,
just yells out, "Ya know he's
gonna be wearing your clothes
"in like two weeks?"
My Dad's pretty funny.
Family's laughing. Mom's crying.
She's a Grandma for the first time.
She walks up to me, she's like,
"Brad, when are you gonna have one?"
"When are you gonna have one, son?"
"You'll be an excellent father."
"You'll be a good
provider for a family."
"You should absolutely
have yourself a child."
I don't want one. OK?
I don't want kids.
Now, if you want kids, have
kids, trying to have kids,
good for you.
Best thing you'll ever do in your life.
But, understand, I don't want one because
if I have a kid, 75% chance
that kid's gonna be tall.
I don't want anything that by age three
can fucking kill me. Alright?
How do you even discipline that kid?
You're like, "You're in timeout!"
You're in timeout, Dad!
I'm walkin' away
like, "You're right son,
"I shouldn't have said that
to you. That was not right."
I'm not ready.
I'm seeing what my
sister has to go through.
I'm not ready for that.
She doesn't sleep at all.
She spends a lot of money.
She had to change her house.
She had to do horrible
things to her home.
She had to put up baby gates.
Fuck baby gates.
Fuck baby gates! I hate baby gates! OK?
You guys know what
baby gates are, right?
You have a room in your house
you don't want the baby to go in.
You put up a little baby gate,
stops the baby from going into that room in
the house. Great! It also stops midgets from
going into that fucking room. OK?
It does. It works. I know this.
I've been cock blocked by a
baby gate before. Cock blocked!
I got this woman back to her house.
She had a kid. She had the baby gate.
She's tall. She does the
little step over move, like that.
She's good to go. Meanwhile,
I'm stuck on the other side
like a Mexican at the border like,
"Que pasa? Porque?"
I didn't get laid that night.
No woman wants to fuck a guy
after she looks down the
hallway and just sees, no!
I didn't tell that to my buddies.
They're like, "Come on
Brad, you're a comedian."
"You're supposed to have a comeback."
"You're supposed to
have a snappy comeback
for every situation."
What's the comeback for when
a baby gate slows your roll?
What do you say? I
can't just look at her
and be like, "Boost!" Ya know?
No woman's ever picked up her date like,
"You're gonna fuck me so good tonight."
"Yes you are. Yes you are."
Ah, Plhew, Ah, Plhew, Ah,
Plhew, Ah, Plhew, Ah, Plhew,
I didn't get laid that night.
But don't. Don't feel sorry for me.
Don't be in the audience
right now like awe,
Brad didn't get laid.
Please. OK? I do alright.
Now, I understand, this is not
the stereotype of what
women draw up in their minds
as being attractive.
I get that.
But, I'm a realist, OK?
I don't want those women.
I want the women that
came to my show tonight,
sat down, saw me run
out on stage and went,
"Bucket list."
OK, that's what I want!
That's what I want!
And by the way, yeah!
That's what I want!
And by the way, if you're
one of those women,
oh, you made a good decision.
You made an excellent decision.
Every woman should fuck a midget
at least once in their life, OK?
Treat yourself, OK? Treat yourself
'cause we can do moves
that these tall guys can not do.
See, it got quiet 'cause
the women are like,
"Oh my God, what can you do?"
"Oh my god"
I'll tell you ladies. Straight up.
You haven't experienced
life 'til you've been fucked
doggy style by a little person. Alright?
Way better than the tall guys.
I know what the tall guys have to do.
Tall guys, they get down
on their knees like that.
They start off with
that move right there.
They start off bad ass.
They start off like a champ.
And that goes on for
a good nine seconds.
OK, about nine seconds.
Then, that right leg just
starts gettin' a little sore.
That thigh starts jammin' it up.
You start losing thrust right there.
I know it happens and every
guy does the same move.
They throw up the
one leg, just like that.
They throw up the one
damn leg, just like that.
That's when the woman
starts freakin' out.
Oh my God, he's trying a new position.
Bitch, that's a cramp.
That's not a new position.
That's what happens when
you guys are doing doggy style.
When I'm doing doggy
style, I don't get tired.
'Cause I'm standin' up,
ladies and gentlemen.
That's what I'm doing.
And I am aggressive. I
am aggressive in bed.
Look, my right hand instinctively
went into a fist right now, OK?
Instinctively. You wanna know why?
'Cause when I fuck doggy
style, I'm pullin' hair, alright?
I pull hair and I'm good at it. Alright?
A lot of guys do not
know how to pull hair.
You're grabbin' it by the end.
Why the hell are you grabbing her hair by
the end? That hurts her. Stop doing it.
You wanna know how to pull hair?
Pay attention! This is what you do. OK?
Take your hand like this.
Spread your fingers like that with
the very bottom of your
woman's head right there
and you track up the woman's head
just like that and when
you get to right about there,
you got as much hair as
you can, you crank that shit.
Women love it!
Unless you're fucking a black woman,
then do not pull that woman's hair.
Never pull a black woman's hair.
She will cut you. Alright?
See, you guys are
learning stuff right now.
We're communicating.
That's the important part.
That's what a lot of people
don't do in their relationships.
They don't communicate.
You gotta be able to communicate.
Talk. Tell us what you want.
Ladies, tell your man exactly
what we need to do to please you.
Exactly what we need to do. Details.
Don't just look at your
pussy like it's a Rubik's Cube.
Like, solve that one, fucker. Stop it!
Don't get me wrong. I get why you do it.
You do it because you
assume it's easy to please you.
For you, very easy to please a man.
Every guy wants the same thing.
Doesn't matter where you go.
You could be in the deep South.
Ya know, I tell you
what, I want a blowjob.
Know what I mean?
Go up to Connecticut.
My God, lovey. I could go for a blowjob.
Like, same shit.
We could drop you off in Africa,
be like blowjob!
Like, same shit!
It's easy!
Having sex with a dude is like
walking into my Kia
with an allen wrench, like,
"Oh my God, this works on everything."
And I say that, but a lot
of women pull this line.
They go, "Oh no, Brad."
"I can't tell my man
what I really want."
"If I told my man what
I really want in bed,
I would scare him."
Try it.
Try and, try and scare your man.
Try and scare your man.
Let me know how that works out.
"No, no, no. My man is not that freaky."
Bullshit. Bullshit. OK?
Bullshit, your man's not that freaky.
You only think that ladies
because he hasn't shown his freaky side
because you're not that freaky.
Understand this, ladies.
I'm gonna say this one time.
Your man is only as freaky
as he thinks he's allowed to be.
OK? That is it. We know.
We know you have your line of freakiness
and we will go right up
to your line of freakiness
and we stop at your line of freakiness.
Now, every now and then,
we will dance over the line, OK?
We'll dance on the line.
We don't jump over the line.
No, no, no. We just dance over the line.
We just dance on it.
Nothing crazy. Nothing insane.
Just like, something simple,
like doing doggy style
and eh, let's try it out. It
is my birthday. Ya know?
Nothing, just. Just
like that, just like that.
By the way, if you
know what I did there,
I love you.
Love you!
I did that one night and
the woman yelled out,
"That's called the bus driver."
I use a thumb. What's her man doing?
"The wheels on the bus
go round and round."
"Brad, you don't get it. My
man's just not that freaky."
Alright. Try this then.
One night, just go up to your man.
Be like, "Hey. Baby.
Tonight, it's all about you."
"Whatever you want, I will do."
"I'll not object. I'll not say no."
"I'll not say yes, but
secretly harbor ill feelings
towards you, which I'm
gonna bring up in a fight
that we're gonna have in
about six to eight months
from this date, today.
I've already planned it."
"No. Whatever you want
tonight, I will do tonight."
"Baby, I am yours."
Ladies, if you ever
say that to your man,
get a helmet.
It's goin' crazy that night, OK?
There's gonna be whips.
There's gonna be chains.
At some point, a closet door will open.
I'm gonna run out.
Alright, I'm here to help!
Let's do this. Let's make it happen.
We're freaky. OK?
There's a reason why something called
the devils threesome exists, OK?
Alright, you guys got quiet.
You don't know what
the devils threesome is.
OK. It's OK! I'll tell ya.
Regular threesome. Two women, one man.
Gift from God.
Devils threesome. Two guys. One girl.
Alright, couple whores in the audience.
Awesome. That's awesome.
You guys are down. Perfect.
See, that's the thing
and I'm not judging you.
I'm just saying like, most women, they,
they say that. They're like,
"Oh yeah, my man. He wanted to do that."
"He wanted to be in
the devils threesome."
No, he did not! He did not want that!
No man wants that.
No man is having sex
with a gorgeous woman like,
"You know what would make this better?"
"More dicks!" No.
We do it because we just
want to make you happy, ladies,
and I know this because I've been in
a devils threesome before, OK?
Yeah. Don't worry.
I'll tell you the story.
I was at a bar one night with my friend.
Just hangin' out.
We look over. We see a gorgeous woman
sitting all by herself
and guys, back me up,
you never see gorgeous
women just by themselves.
We're like oh my God.
We have to go talk to her.
One of us has gotta get her.
So, we both go up. We
start talking to this woman.
After about 30 minutes, she goes,
"Oh my God, I am
taking both of you home."
And we both looked
at her and went, "Why?"
She said, "Because it's
always been my fantasy,
I want two men to turn
me into the London Bridge."
My friend is 5'10".
This is gonna be a Leaning
Tower of Pisa, bitch, OK?
She's like, "I don't care. Let's go."
So, I looked at my friend and said,
"Listen. She's hot.
We're gonna do this."
"We're gonna do this one time."
"Then, we'll never speak of it again."
"Not to each other. Not to anyone."
So, we go back to her place
to have the two and a halfsome.
I'll wait.
And then, now, guys,
you have to understand,
there are rules.
There are rules to a devils
threesome, which you must follow.
Rule number one guys, is you look down
and that's the only place you ever look.
Down. That is it.
You look at your stuff,
her stuff. That's it.
You never wanna look up and be like,
"I'm having orgasm making eye contact with
my best friend." No, we do not want that.
Rule number two, pick which
way you're gonna rotate. OK?
At some point, you'll
have to switch positions.
You're gonna have to rotate.
Pick which way. Clockwise.
Counter-clockwise. What are you gonna do?
Me and my friend did
not pick the direction
we were gonna rotate
and all of a sudden,
we start switching positions,
going around the same way.
Now, he's 5'10". I'm 4'4".
Certain things are lining
up with certain other things.
Alright? I'm not paying attention.
All of a sudden, I'm in the middle of an
Indiana Jones movie, running
away from the boulder.
What the shit!
Now, the woman is on all fours.
I run this way, hit her,
bounce back, my buddy's
not paying attention
and just, ahhh! Shit!
He paint brushed me.
But, did I quit? No.
I didn't quit.
I don't care ladies. I don't care.
I have one rule. One rule in bed.
I don't cum til you do. OK?
That is my rule.
I don't care that I have to do it
lookin' like I'm in a battle scene
from the movie, Braveheart. No. I don't care.
And I tell that to some of my guy friends.
They're like, "I don't know Brad,
Sounds pretty gay to me." Listen.
We are all at least
a little gay. Alright?
We're all just a little gay.
Some are more gay than others and if you are,
that's fine. But don't try to be there like,
"No Brad. I'm not gay at all." Really?
You've never once
looked at a V-neck shirt
and thought well, I
think that looks good.
Pretty fuckin' gay. OK?
Pretty fuckin' gay!
And I don't care.
You could be the straightest man on the planet.
You see a rock hard dick go inches from your face,
there's a voice in the
back of your head that goes,
"Suck it?"
I didn't do it! Alright,
I didn't actually do it.
But, as it was passing
by, I thought to myself,
"I know what to do with that thing."
We're learning people. We're learning.
You learned stuff from
a comedian tonight.
You can learn stuff from the internet,
video games, you
can learn stuff. Alright?
Ladies, I want your
man to be better for you.
In order for him to be better,
you have to understand how men learn,
how men get better.
We don't learn through nagging. No.
You nag, in one ear, out the other.
Doesn't work.
Understand this, ladies.
Your man is an
incentive-driven creature.
Reward driven creature.
We like knowing that if
we do a little something,
we get something in return.
That's how we function.
You think about things
like college football.
They can't pay the players.
So, what they do on a lot of teams,
player does something
right, goes to the sideline,
coach puts a little sticker
on that fuckers helmet
that tells the world he did
something right. Perfect.
Ladies, you wanna have some great sex?
You should keep a stack of
stickers on your night stand,
ready to go.
A stack! And have
em in different colors,
based on how good the guy does.
Have a gold one, a
silver one, a bronze one.
A blue one that says participant.
Coach em up! Coach em up, alright?
Men respond to those half-time speeches.
There's a reason why coaches give em.
They fire up guys.
So, ladies, you wanna have amazing sex,
look at your man, be like, "Hey baby,
we're fuckin' tonight,
but, before we do, team meeting right now."
"Team meeting, OK? Huddle up right now."
"I need you to know something."
"You gotta know something right here."
"You gotta know this right here,
this is what we play for right here."
"This is your pussy,
baby. This is your pussy."
"And it's in your house. You
have to understand something."
"Just because I say it's your pussy
doesn't automatically
always make it your pussy."
"No. 'Cause there are
other men out there."
"Big men. Strong men. Handsome men."
"They wanna take this pussy from you."
"They wanna take your pussy."
Right now ladies, start pacing.
"Are you gonna let
another man do that to you?"
"Are you gonna let another
man come into your house
and take what is rightfully yours?"
"What you have rightfully earned?"
"No. You're not gonna do
that. You're the man I know."
"You're the man I love."
"You're going to stand
up for this pussy."
"You are going to defend this pussy
because when you're in this house,
you must protect this pussy!"
Holy shit!
Guys, if we hear that, we'll act like
we're in the locker
room before the game,
like this is what we
do! This is what we do!
And we will attack like never before.
And when we hit that
right spot, just woo!
Sticker right on the head.
That's what you do, right there.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Brad Williams.
Thank you guys so much for coming out.
Thank you guys!
Thank you!
No, no, no. No, we are not done.
Sit down. We're not done, OK?
This is my first hour special.
I still wanna have fun. Do
you guys still wanna have fun?
Yes. You wanna have fun.
You look like you wanna have fun.
You wanna have fun?
Alright! Fuckin' come on up here.
Come up here. Let's have some fun. OK.
Help her out. There it is. Here.
Here, there's a chair right here.
I want you to sit down right here.
Now, here's the deal.
This is my special.
This is a pinnacle for comedians.
We dream about this.
We gotta do something
crazy for my special.
We gotta do something that
helps you guys remember who I am.
How are we gonna do that?
I think I know what we're gonna do
'cause you guys are
never gonna forget the night
you saw Brad Williams perform and then,
at the end of the night,
you saw this hot woman get
a lap dance from a midget.
That's what you guys are gonna say.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Did you guys have a good time tonight?
I'm about to go have a good time myself.
We'll see you guys next
time. Goodnight everybody!