Brass Teapot, The (2012) Movie Script
You want me to make you breakfast?
With what? There's nothing
in the fridge.
I'll go to the store when you get paid.
We can crash dinner at my mom's tonight.
I'd rather starve.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd stay in bed with you all day.
I'm gonna be late for work, wife.
You know I'm quick, husband.
Hey, Pete.
Whoops.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, fellas.
Good morning.
Good morning. I have a great
new offer for you today.
Uh-huh.
- Good morning. Hi, Donna.
- Hi, John.
Okay, let's do this. Let's sell some...
Television warranties.
No, um,
I have not had experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond very well to stress and deadlines.
No, um, I have not had, uh,
experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond well-- very well--
to stress and deadlines.
Hi, good morning, Mr. Sandveg.
Hope I didn't wake you.
Hi, auntie.
Are you there?
Uh, no, my name is John Macy.
Um, sir, would you be interested by any chance,
what happened is, we've suddenly started
to hit real well.
What's that? But our pitching
is just terrible.
Hello? Hello? Mr. Sandveg?
Hey, what went wrong on that sale there, John?
Um, this sale.
Dementia.
Okay. Think about
what we talked about.
Productivity, performance, punctuality,
The three main pivot points to you recapturing
your optimal performance level.
Why is this a problem?
Oh, I just think it's honestly
a pretty bad economy right now.
Don't tell me economy.
Everyone's blaming the economy.
You gonna blame somebody?
Blame--
The damn republicans?
What? Don't sass me.
And don't sass my party.
I-- make some calls.
Focus up.
Get rid of those
dumb-ass toys.
First I'm here
Then I'm there
And I know it's a drag
And I know it's a drag but I'm here
I've spent the last three years
finishing my undergraduate degree.
It's been tight, but worth it...
So I could sit here today,
fully qualified for my dream job.
I'm ahead of the pack for once.
We have a lot of applicants,
All of whom have master's degrees...
Or ten years' experience.
Okay.
Flower power, minishirts
In the big city
What do you want?
Came by for the rent check.
It's not due for another three days, Arnie.
Well, then I saved you a stamp.
Ow.
Here. You can't
cash that until Friday.
Weren't you, uh, voted most likely
to succeed in high school, Alice?
Yeah. Why?
Just wondering what
happened. Oh.
Oopsies.
Oh, yeah, that guy.
Mmm. You know,
he's getting promoted.
And I'm considering several
job offers right now.
Oh, that's good.
That's nice. Yeah.
Arnie.
Yard's a little shaggy.
Oh.
Bang!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hello, darling wife.
Hello, husband.
So, this is the part where you tell
me you got a promotion at work...
And a huge bonus.
You tell me to go get sexy
because you're taking me out.
I, uh, found a hoagie time coupon
in the men's room.
It's a bogo.
Ooh.
Love when you spoil me.
Get inside.
It's hoagie time.
Yes! You die.
I think I should just become
a navy seal or something.
'Cause I'm a tactical genius.
Why is it that real blood makes you pass out,
but this is entertainment?
Because I'm killing drug dealers and pimps.
It's god's work.
Hey, which credit card has
no interest until next year?
Um, citibank in July.
Oh! I died, baby.
So, when Arnie cashes our check,
We will be left with--
Why do you care so much about
what Payton and Ricky think?
Because they're our friends, John,
and we went to high school together.
These people tortured me in high school.
Hi, um, Alice and John Macy.
I see you're on the list. Yeah.
Yeah, come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Honey, was there anything about
a dress code in the invitation?
I wanna die right now.
Yeah.
Seven years ago, she was copying
my trig and banging all the jocks.
Her father gave her a bullshit
six-figure desk job...
While holding a solid "c" average in
communications after seven years of college.
Her degree is as authentic
as her bouncy new tits.
Shall we go see some of our good friends now?
Two whiskeys, neat.
Sure.
Hey, Ricky, what do you say?
Hey... Guy.
High five.
It's getting hot outside, right?
- Real hot around here.
- Here you go.
Walked outside yesterday
my whole--
My whole dick was out just swingin' around.
Louise!
Hi. I'm so glad
that you're here.
Yes. Hey.
How are you?
Good. How are you?
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bar and
drink enough to kill a horse.
- You want anything?
- Yes, two beers please.
Got it.
Immediately.
Hi. So, I guess I didn't get the memo
to wear something short and shiny.
Hey!
What's up, man?
I'm so happy you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
Thought I was gonna have to spend the
whole night hiding in the bathroom.
Yeah. Yeah, I tried that one out.
At the vegan barbecue.
Oh, that was you?
That was me.
Dude, I spent 45 minutes shittin' kale
into a hat in the backyard.
My mom got sick again.
So, it's like-- it's okay.
It's just that we had to pay for
all the hospital bills,
And I didn't get the scholarship.
So it's like--
it's a lot.
I'm really depressed now.
Tell me about it.
But good people win out in the end.
Let's go do shots.
Yes, please.
It's a nice theme they've got going on.
Yeah. Nice theme. Pink.
Looks like a fuckin' asshole in here.
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won
she's the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the--
Why did we drink so much?
Because it was free.
We need to go shopping if we want to eat today.
How did your, um, interview go the other day?
If anything,
I was over-qualified.
Well, maybe you should just, you know...
Set your sights a little lower.
I have a $40,000 degree in art history.
I really don't want to work at the mall.
Baby, I'm not worried. You're gonna
have an amazing job one day.
I know. Things will get better.
Mmm.
Oh! Son of a bitch.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You're sure?
Yeah, I think so. Look at me.
You're okay.
Yeah, looks like someone
sawed this thing clear off.
Honestly, we could've been killed very easily.
That was intentional.
Yeah.
That's been happening a lot
in this neighborhood lately.
People comin' around sawin' off stop signs.
- I can't pay for that. - We can't be
held accountable for any of this.
Neither of you are gonna be
paying anything today.
- I been here 30 years--
- I feel like shopping.
Alice! Hey!
Jesus Christ.
- Slow down!
- You're speedin' here!
Hello.
Can I help you?
No, thank you.
I'm just browsing right now.
- Hey, Alice?
- I'm back here.
I, uh, I don't think the axle's bent
or anything so--
You wanna get out of here and get some food?
Well, the antiques roadshow
is coming this weekend.
Why don't we look around? See if
we can find something, get on TV.
You wanna look around here?
Yeah.
Um, excuse me.
Hi. Do you have any, like, old-fashioned
records or comic books or--
Nothing for you.
Nooses? Shotguns?
Poison?
Okay. I'm gonna go just...
In the car.
This is me, before the war.
You were beautiful.
That's the telephone.
Shit.
I got the car to work, baby.
Okay, great. Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, now.
Why'd you run out of there like
baby face nelson? What happened?
Stealing?
Are you kidding me?
We're, like, two steps above
white trash as it already is.
This is so pretty.
Look at it.
Ow!
Alice!
What are you doing?
I was fighting in my dream.
Okay. No more kung fu movies
before bed.
I love cats. They get me much more
than people do.
Which reminds me. Did you know
Mr. Tutor is having an affair?
- Mr. Tutor? - Yeah. He's into
some very kinky, kinky stuff.
Do you wanna see?
Come on.
Seriously.
Oh, my god.
Where-- oh, my--
- Hi, Mrs. Tutor. Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to see you. You havin' lunch
with the boss today?
Every Friday.
You know, it's little things like that
that keep a marriage special.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
I'm calling about the, uh, position
that you had listed.
No, I don't have my master's,
But I have my bachelor's degree.
And I actually graduated
in the top third of my class.
Okay. Um, is there
any other position?
Something entry-level,
maybe?
Ow!
Ow!
Holy mother of god.
Seven hundred dollars.
Oh, shit!
Ow. Ow.
John, I've come to the realization that...
You may not be a great
salesman. Okay.
You don't smile when you speak
to clients on the phone.
Right. And-and you think my clients
notice when I don't smile...
Over the phone?
It's for my wife.
She has great taste.
What?
Good for her.
Okay. Listen up.
We're letting people go, John.
And, uh, you're the first.
Hold on.
Me? The first?
I've been here longer than
half the people out there.
I'm one of two people with a degree.
And Donna's is from an animal husbandry school.
We're not basing this on seniority, number one.
Number two, don't belittle Donna...
For her passion for animal insemination,
What it's done for this community and
what she's done for this company.
We're letting you go.
Do you have anything else to add?
No.
Alice!
Jesus.
What the--
Alice!
Alice.
Hey, baby.
Baby, can you hear me?
Alice.
Johnny boy.
What happened to you?
- There's someone in the house.
- What? What do we do?
You're my hero.
You're kidding?
Baby, just tell me what the hell happened?
- I fell down the stairs.
- We don't have stairs.
Ow.
There we go.
I think-- baby, I think we need to
take you to the hospital.
I'm fine.
Not everybody has to go to the
emergency room for a mosquito bite.
It was one time.
Thing looked like a hummingbird.
Are you drowsy or nauseous?
I feel very awake.
More than I have in years.
I think you're concussed.
Look.
Watch me.
See?
I'm fine.
Why aren't you at work, baby?
They fired me.
How can they do that?
I'll find another job.
- How hard can that be?
- Seriously?
it doesn't matter.
What?
You feel funny?
Like I might be having a panic attack.
I'm so sorry for this, John.
what the--
What the hell?
Look! Look.
Look. It's better
than any paycheck.
You're giving me money so you can hit me?
No, I'm not.
The teapot is.
It gives money when you hurt yourself.
- What?
- How else can you explain it?
Alice. Alice!
You put the money in the teapot
before you hit me.
No. No, I didn't.
It's empty.
Empty.
What are you doing?
Abracadabra.
Ow.
I guess that really does hurt.
- Where did that come from?
- Seriously, John?
Okay.
Ow! Ow.
Jesus, Alice.
What the--
Ouch.
Ouch.
Stop doing that.
This is the first time I've been
the breadwinner. It feels good.
It's not a paycheck!
Alice, this is not a job. Good.
Most people kill themselves
for decades and get nowhere.
It's a gift from the gods, John.
It could end badly.
Very badly.
We can dig ourselves out of this hole.
Get out of this place.
Get our own house.
Make a million bucks and never work again.
It came to us for a reason.
John?
John?
No. No, John!
No!
Are you a gift from the gods?
Whoo.
So, John, how did you come upon this teapot?
I just found it at a garage sale.
Just sitting there next to a blender
and an old treadmill.
That's very fortunate.
'Cause I must tell you,
when I saw this vessel come in,
My heart skipped a beat.
I don't say this often, on the show,
But I have never seen anything
quite like this before.
Tremendous quality. The alchemy
of the metal is spectacular.
Mostly brass, but some other metal,
possibly silver.
And notice here the detail and the
artistry in this 24 karat gold filigree.
It's impeccable. Truly, truly an
amazing find you have here.
Wow. Where do you think
it came from?
I would guess the middle east...
Or quite possibly ancient China.
I've seen similar vessels like this...
With the same structure of sorts from
some of the earlier dynasties.
But nothing this unique
or well-preserved.
This is truly as if it hasn't aged
for several, several centuries.
Do you know anything at all
else about this teapot?
Um, no, I don't, really.
Except for the fact that...
It's traveled across the world,
through the hands of many important people...
All of whom are now dead.
Okay.
I'm going to estimate the value
of your teapot at $5,000.
Well done. Well done.
Thank you.
We have to promise to stop
before it gets out of control.
We make our million and we stop.
Ready?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Aah! Ow, ow.
Hello. How are you today?
Good.
Can I take your bag for you? No, no,
I'd rather keep it here if that's okay.
I'll take the full brazilian.
I want it all gone, okay?
Okay.
You know what? Let's do this
the old fashioned way.
Sure.
Great.
Oh, my god.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Yeah, that's gonna be great.
Are you sure you don't want to just
take it to the bank?
How would we explain that to the irs?
- How much is it?
- $194,173.
Yes.
Wow.
Hey. You want to go
for an even 200?
Tonight?
How?
Spank me.
- You want me to spank you?
- Spank me, John.
Huh.
Okay.
- You want me to spank you with that?
- Yeah, I do.
I don't want to hurt you.
- You ready?
- Do it.
- How was that?
Harder?
- Yeah.
- This is crazy.
Harder!
Harder!
This is crazy.
I'm sorry.
- You're pathetic.
- I'm sorry. I can't.
Hey, wow. Okay.
Oh! Ow.
Jesus Christ. Ow. Just hit, like
the cushy part.
Don't get my-- ow!
Yeah, yeah
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
Oh, it's enough?
I've been so fast this day
- Hmm.
Hands all over your face
Ow.
I'll never leave behind
Where'd you learn all this?
I had moves before I met you, John.
- I met you in high school.
- Yeah?
You were a stripper in eighth grade?
Ow.
Read your mind to save your life
Bye
Happened so fast
Hands all over your face
You ready for me?
Oh, my god.
Ow.
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no.
Baby, when we go inside--
Will you be nice to my mom?
Because she's always so nice to me.
- Be nice, okay?
- Hey, Trudy.
- You look great.
- Oh, god.
Hi, mom. How are you?
We are just so excited
that you both could join us...
For our mostly vegan feast.
Mostly.
Thank you so much, sis.
- Yummy. - So, John, are you
still with the same company?
Actually, no. I'm not. We switched to
private investing.
Looks like you're doin' all right.
- And you, joe?
- Still non-profits.
Right now I'm working on a huge campaign
for the stock island tree snails.
- Tree snails.
- Yup.
Delicious with butter.
We have a lot of snails and
flower fairies in our garden.
Yes, we do.
Oh, yeah?
Do you like magic?
- Yeah.
- John.
If no one
is going to ask--
How have you gotten so far on the
paycheck of a pesky goddamn telemarketer?
We actually made it big on an investment, mom.
- What investment?
- Oatmeal futures. Sexy shit.
If he's pimping you out, I want you
to come home with me right now.
Yeah, why aren't you out
on the street turning tricks?
You little... Slut.
I tell you what. Let's just have
a pleasant dinner...
Minus the language please.
I'm a white pimp in the suburbs.
That's how we talk. Legit.
I want answers!
Actually,
We're selling Alice's eggs to sterile mothers.
It's beneficial for everybody.
Cage free, farm fresh.
But are they organic?
Eggs.
So, Alice,
Have you and John put any thought
into having a b-a-b-y?
Mmm.
Why is that funny?
Because that's what you're
supposed to do next, right?
Have a baby?
Well, of course.
Why would I want an organism growing
exponentially inside of my body...
And then ripping its way out
of my tight, sweet, fresh,
Young, undamaged v-a-g-i-n-a?
Alice, you are the only one in our
family who hasn't reproduced.
Having a child--
It's like the essence of your soul
is reflected back at you.
It is like god holding up a mirror
to your soul...
Saying "shazam" and enjoy.
Maybe I should've just gotten knocked up
in senior year like you.
Well, summer after senior year.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
I'd forgotten.
Have you tried the 12-bean salad?
Mmm.
Time to meet the sidewalk!
Come on.
Come on!
Baby, we are officially out of debt.
Well, isn't that good news?
Wow, so that means we'll be at a million before christmas.
What's the rush?
Oh.
Don't we want a few of
life's necessities? Mmm.
Some of the things we've gone without?
Mm-hmm. Such as?
I want lots of new clothes.
Vodka.
I want my own vodka label.
Premium shit.
Okay.
Who the hell is that?
Coming!
Coming!
Shabbat shalom.
I'm sorry, guys.
We're not religious.
Oh, my god! Baby!
Baby, no!
Oh, baby, no.
Oh, baby!
Hey!
- Where is the teapot?
- Teapot?
Ow!
- Ow! - The one you had
on the television.
It's a precious family heirloom.
Our grandmother risked her life to
save that teapot during the holocaust.
-I bought it from the old lady. She
gave me a really good deal. -Impossible.
It was the last thing she talked
about before she passed.
She said her teapot was missing.
She died?
Aah!
Where is it?
We sold it!
We sold the teapot.
So where's the cash?
We want the money!
Stop it!
Please stop. It's just five grand,
and you can keep the change.
- Where did all this come from?
- From my bra.
- It's the rainy day fund.
- Is there more?
No, no. Look.
Oh.
One bad deed for another, huh?
Oh, baby. Are you okay?
I'm so, so, so sorry.
Is anything broken?
Ow.
We have to find out what the
hell this thing is. Okay.
Ce30, period, 415g, period.
Wait. Wait.
A practical history of
magical objects and potions.
It's the biggest book
I've ever seen in my entire life.
The legend of the brass teapot.
Wow.
The legend of the brass teapot
first appeared in folklore...
Around the time of christ's crucifixion.
That's what the scholar at the roadshow said,
That it was probably
from first or second century.
It also says...
That the teapot possesses extraordinary
and inexplicable powers.
- Well, that's one way of putting it.
- Right?
It's like it just goes on
forever and ever and ever.
Oh, my god.
Oh, here, here.
I have one.
Oh, whoopsie.
- Shh.
- Shh!
There's no one else here.
This book just goes on and on and on.
All these different temples
and religions. Let me see.
"Bhardwaj warned that those associated
with ownership of the teapot...
Were in for unsavory consequences,
Including--"
No! Somebody
ripped out the page.
- What? - Why would somebody
rip out the page?
No! What do you think
"unsavory consequences" mean?
I don't know. But it's a
really old book, you know?
And we're probably not gonna learn
that much more from it right now.
I think we should go have fun.
I think we should go spend our money.
Can you look at my face for a second?
Two hasidic jewish men came and beat
the shit out of me in my own house...
When I was wearing a silk, pink robe.
Don't gimme that face right now.
You ever have sex in a library?
What?
Go fuck a headphone
We got a time bomb we got
a time bomb we got a time bomb
Na, na, na, na
Time bomb tickin' time bomb tickin'
Got a time bomb tickin', go
We're going sideways highways
Riding on an elevator
cold just like an alligator
Now my baby's out of date
Fighting and lightning and tightening
Above the buckles
on an atom bomb's time bomb
Tickin', tick tick tick
Canape?
Oh, no, thank you.
Guys? Canape?
No, I'm allergic.
Hi, neighbor!
Hi.
You look gorgeous.
When you said the place next to ours,
I thought you meant up the street,
not this place!
How did this happen?
Uh-- um--
Alice, hey. Hey.
Hi. Hi. You look amazing.
Hey.
Thank you. You must have gotten
your dream job.
Dreams are for people
who are sleeping, not doers.
You could still dream, I guess.
You like the sound of that?
Yeah.
Sounds nice, doesn't it?
Sounds like they're really here.
This is my, uh, favorite part of the house.
Exclusive invite only.
Try this on for size, huh?
Really?
To hard work.
Ew. Ooh.
It's a work in progress.
Well, I have to go and show
Payton something upstairs.
- Okay.
- Come on. Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah. See you around.
Hello.
Hi, I'm sorry.
Were we being too loud?
Dr. Li Ling.
What is the theosophist society?
We have interest in antiquities.
Specifically teapots.
I have come from China,
John. May I enter?
We can talk right here.
Are you alone?
Yes.
I'm sorry. Can you just give us one
moment just to talk amongst ourselves?
Thank you.
We should probably listen to what he has to say.
Interest in teapots?
Seriously?
If he takes it, the party will end.
Hi. Dr. Ling, I wish you would have
called us sooner.
We donated the teapot to a museum.
Tax write-off.
- We must talk.
- We don't have it.
You are in grave danger.
You must listen to me before it is too late.
Leave us alone and get off of our property!
You buy girl scout
cookies once--
The best.
They were the best.
We were so close and then--
we used to come here with marcy and dan.
But they don't splurge since his dad went
to prison for embezzlement.
Well, we believe in splurging
every once in a while.
Don't we, baby?
We're trapped
in "splurgatory."
So what sort of dog do you two have?
I heard him howling last night.
Sounds like a big fella.
Oh, we don't have a dog.
That was just some really violent sex.
We used to have an australian
shepherd. Casper.
Beautiful, beautiful dog.
Ran off last year.
- I left the door open.
- I'm not blaming you.
Okay.
Oh, let us get the bill.
Yes, we insist.
No, no, no.
You guys paid last time.
You sure, Alice? That wasn't boone's
we were drinking.
Holy shit.
No wonder why it's so dark in this place.
One of us needs to go to the bathroom, baby.
We certainly do.
- I went last time.
- I went yesterday.
Hmm. Fine.
But you're going to the bathroom
the next two times, okay?
Okay. Excuse me.
- John--
- Yes, dear?
Don't forget this.
Oh.
Thank you.
Why does he need your bag?
Hemorrhoid cream.
Oh.
Alice, that's T.M.I.
Yes.
Oh, no!
When do the vodka profits start rolling in?
What?
Mmm.
I might've misread the market...
Pretty badly actually.
It's okay. As long as we've got the teapot,
everything's gonna be okay.
Why do I get the feeling that,
when the time comes,
I'm going to have to cut off one
of your stubby little fingers...
To throw this thing into mount doom?
What?
It's a literary reference.
Lord of the rings is not literature.
It certainly is.
God, you're such a geek.
Ow.
Oh, you're such a slut.
Hey.
I'm a slut?
Ow! Jesus christ.
Not now, please.
Ow.
Ow! Geez.
That's enough. Stop.
I think you, like, splintered
my tibia or something.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Could've helped you.
Hey, hey! Whoo! Whoo!
It's a party!
Holy shit!
- What are you doing here?
- This is awesome!
- What are you doing here, Arnie?
- Wow!
I was wondering,
Why the hell are you beating the crap out
of each other and laughing about it?
She hit me first.
Mmm.
That's one question.
Dos question.
How are the world's two biggest
losers livin' in this neighborhood?
You are wasted, Arnie,
and I think you should go home.
You can't wait for me to go, can you?
Well, I think it's a little late
to just drop by.
Really. Hold that.
- No! Arnie!
- Still want me to go?
- Don't touch that, Arnie!
- Arnie! Arnie!
Just give it to me.
Please, please.
Do what he says, Arnie!
Give it to me! Please!
No! Get him!
Get him! Get him!
Arnie! Arnie! Arnie!
Arnie, bring your ass back here!
Arnie, please give us our teapot!
Arnie!
Please give me back my teapot, Arnie!
- Why do you even care about this
thing so much? - Because we like it.
This is what we look like
when we like something.
Oh. God, Alice.
You used to be so hot in high school,
And then this guy turned you into
some weird freak-o.
Freak-o?
- You're not better than me.
- No.
- Remember that. - Course not,
Arnie. Look at your truck.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, John, remember when
you tried out for football?
And you sucked?
- Go long.
- Yeah! Yeah.
- Down!
- No, no, no! No, Arnie!
- Set!
- No, no! Don't throw that!
Hike!
Arnie, please be careful!
No!
Arnie!
Arnie!
Arnie! Arnie, don't do it!
Arnie!
Whoo!
Arnie!
- No!
- Enough, Arnie!
No. My teapot!
No, my teapot. My--
It's perfect.
Not even a scratch.
How is that possible?
It's not possible.
It-- what the hell is this thing?
Please, come in.
That teapot has been around for 2,000 years.
It has gone through the hands of some of the
greatest and worst characters in history.
Although we have not seen it since it disappeared
from a nazi concentration camp in 1945.
Our founder,
Dr. A.K. Bhardwaj,
Learned that in the wrong hands,
it could cause great harm.
If there is one ounce of evil
or hatred in either one of you,
The teapot will draw it out.
We're in total control.
We're good people.
This is how it always starts.
- John and I know our limits.
- They all did.
So, what do you suggest we do?
Give it to me.
Go back to your lives and
pretend it never happened.
I told you this was coming.
I will rid the world of it.
You can get rid of it?
It cannot be destroyed.
But it can be hidden in such a way...
That no one will find it again.
Ever.
No. Absolutely not.
We are keeping it, John.
Why are we better than the people
who had it before us?
It's a magic teapot,
Not an atomic bomb.
I didn't believe that guy.
I don't trust him.
He wants it for himself...
Or maybe even north korea.
Did you even think about that?
Hey.
We're John and Alice Macy.
We're the salt of the earth.
Frickin' good guys.
It's not gonna get out of hand, okay?
I'm so annoyed you went skiing
and didn't even invite me.
I'm sorry.
You know, it was Switzerland, last minute.
Yeah.
Oh, Mr. Smoothie!
I love Mr. Smoothie!
That's so childish, right?
No. It's like mall gourmet.
I know.
Hello!
Hello?
Hello.
You can never get anyone
to serve you in these places.
Oh.
I, uh, ducked when I saw you guys coming...
So we could avoid this.
What happened to you?
Uh--
I had a skiing accident.
It's a tough life.
What are you doing here, Louise?
What am I doing here?
Um, it's a second job, you know.
And I save money because I get
to eat smoothies all day.
I have a chronic brain freeze.
Bit of advice, Louise?
Yeah.
Don't eat the merchandise.
Make it a treat.
Um, could I get a nonfat yogurt smoothie...
With maraschino cherries?
Why not?
So, you want the same thing, right?
Yeah.
- Dos.
- You ladies are in luck...
Because we're having
a two-faced special today.
John.
John, there's someone breaking in.
There's someone breaking into the house.
Huh?
Yeah. Bet it's 50 ninjas.
Good night.
Are you serious?
Do you not hear that?
They're coming upstairs.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Shh, shh.
Amateurs.
They hid it in the bathroom.
You found it.
It's the brothers again.
What do we do?
They're taking my money.
Shh. Our money.
No. I'm not going
out there.
Alice! Alice!
Go!
What are you going to do, tough guy?
Oh.
Back off.
Tiny underwear.
Did you shave the top of your thighs?
Alice, get back inside.
Would it have made any difference
if we'd warned you?
You knew we had the teapot the whole time?
You were creating our rightful inheritance.
So we'll just take the cash,
and you can keep that beast.
You don't even want the teapot?
If you're smart, you'll get rid of it
before it's too late.
Bubby waited too long.
A woman of her age, she should have been
relaxing, playing mahjongg or something.
Instead she was out every night sawing
off stop signs, hoping for the worst.
Wha--
Don't say we didn't warn you.
- No one leaves!
- Take it easy now, huh?
Take it easy?
That is my money!
Mine!
Oh!
No, baby!
- No. Don't touch it.
- Oh, my god.
Wait!
Where are you going?
Give that to me. That's mine!
Come on! Now!
That is my money!
- Give that--
- What are you doing?
Give that to me!
Come on!
It's my money!
Alice.
Alice?
Alice.
Are you okay?
Baby--
they took everything!
Why didn't you stop them?
Seriously?
Hi, honey.
We need to talk about your lawn.
Now, the block council sent three letters,
And everyone has been talking about it.
The gardener didn't show.
It's my office.
I have to take it.
So you'll take care of this, right?
Of course.
Great. Hey, mar.
Oh, great.
Bitch.
We need to get to work.
I have been working
since 7:00.
Is it still, uh--
Less today than it was before?
Yeah. It's only
fives and ones.
The teapot doesn't like paying like it used to.
I--
We need help.
Living's for the living
Dying's for the dead
I'll tell you right now
How's it going?
Who's the toughest, meanest, baddest
motherfucker in this place right now?
Big fella back there.
He just got out of prison for murder.
Huh.
Two whiskey shots, please.
I'm telling you how it is
Call 911.
Hey, babe, wait.
Don't forget that.
Right.
Been ridin' with the devil
Been such a long time
You are cute.
Oh! Oh!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Heavy flow day, John?
You know, it--
Hello, John.
Jesus Christ! Whoa.
Hi.
You don't look so good.
Feel like a million bucks.
You are changing.
The teapot is consuming you and your wife.
Trust me. Your whole life will
be destroyed by this object.
You will have nothing left.
What then?
Charles Graves. Hey!
- Got time for an old pal?
- Barely.
- Got you working pretty
hard here, huh? - Yeah.
Pulling 60-hour weeks so Louise
can go back to school.
But, uh-- jesus.
- How's things on easy street?
- You'd be surprised.
What happened?
Did good luck finally run out?
Well,
It's not so much bad luck
as it is just--
What the hell happened to your face?
Your eye is, like, hanging out.
I'm fine. What is going on
with you, man?
I'm your best friend.
I haven't seen you in forever.
You show up looking like
the phantom of the opera.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Chuck, I would--
I would tell you everything in a second,
But I just--
I just know for a fact...
That you'd never
ever believe me, and--
Whatever it is that's going on,
it doesn't matter.
It's not worth it.
Do me a favor.
Relax for a minute and remember
what's important, okay?
Look, if you need a job or something,
you can work here.
It pays shit, but at least
the benefits are--
No, there's no benefits.
Yo, James, ollie off the curb!
Yeah, but I got it.
Oh, my leg. Ow!
All right, let me do it again.
That one hurt.
That is not
grown-up behavior.
What are you doing, baby?
Let me ask you a question.
Why am I gonna end up like muhammad ali?
Just so we could have a good credit score?
Stop being such a baby.
Move over.
I'm about to do my laps.
Wait, baby.
Jesus Christ.
What, did you get shot?
I'm fine.
Who isn't fine?
Skateboarder.
Ohh!
Yeah! Come on!
Come on! Tear that pussy apart!
Yeah!
Okay, you're doing good.
Push!
That's good.
Come on! Push!
Security. Who the hell are you?
Goddamn it! Oh!
Oh, wow.
Where else is there awful, horrible pain, John?
Alice, I wanna go home.
I'm done. No. No.
We have to keep going.
I feel energized.
Ever since I first touched it, you know,
Everything's... Louder.
I never wanna lose this feeling.
There's so much hurt out there.
Alice. Alice!
Such a nasty world that we live in.
Alice! Alice!
Hey!
What are you doing?
What the hell was that?
He was crossing against the light.
So we should kill him?
I--
Alice, we said we'd stop
when it got out of hand.
You're on the verge of vehicular homicide.
Bearded maniacs are stealing money out of our toilets.
I'd say it's out of hand.
Goddamn it, John!
I knew that this was gonna
happen. I knew it.
You--
What?
You can never go the distance with anything.
You make all these big plans and promises,
And you never even took me on a honeymoon.
Well, I'm sorry. I've been working my
ass off so you can get your degree.
Well, for as hard as you work,
you never get ahead.
How is that possible?
Well, maybe if I didn't have to support
a wife who just sits at home...
Thinking about how she should start
at the top instead of at the bottom,
Like the rest of the sane world--
you know what?
Screw you! Okay, you're gonna
get out of the car?
Yeah, I am.
I hate you right now!
Baby, get back in the car!
I don't wanna be around you!
No. I'm getting out of the car.
Please come back.
You're losing your mind.
Watch out.
Oh!
Alice.
You okay?
I'm fine.
Where did this come from?
I don't know.
I'm sorry for this in advance.
Some men are destined to fail, John.
And you're one of them.
I think the lottery exists
because of guys like you...
Who know deep down luck is the only way...
They're ever gonna overcome
their spineless, clueless,
Hopeless personalities.
We both know...
That I know...
You know I am too good for you.
Ouch.
Okay.
Now you do me.
What?
Hurt me, John.
No.
John.
Hurt me.
Don't do this here.
It's psychological warfare.
The teapot really likes it.
Hey.
What?
You got secrets, right?
Break my heart, baby.
Uh-uh.
I need a man, John.
New year's eve.
Four years ago.
You were ignoring me at the party.
And when the ball dropped, I grabbed Payton...
And I kissed her face off.
And I still think about it.
Sometimes when I'm kissing you.
Oh.
That was a good one.
Oh, no.
Last spring, when we were drinking...
And playing cards with my friends,
The reason why I insisted that we left...
When they started playing strip poker
wasn't because I didn't feel well.
Oh, no?
Your flaccid penis is very small.
Well, it's average size.
You can look it up.
I have.
I still have the sex tape that I made
with the girl that took my virginity.
It's in a, uh, box labeled "Captain Ron,"
Next to top gun.
I let Arnie go down on me.
You what?
Arnie? Arnie,
as in landlord Arnie?
It was three years ago, before we were married.
Oh, my god!
And you did nothing for him?
I'm so sorry.
What?
Arnie?
What do you want?
Oh, nothing.
I've just come to saw your dick off.
Hi. Hey, guys.
Hey, Alice.
You must be brandi.
Mm-hmm. We haven't been
formally introduced.
My name's John.
I screw Alice...
Who apparently...
Blows Arnie...
Who I assume rides you like a big gorilla.
I will fucking punch you in
the neck! Hey, this is bullshit!
Stop! Now, listen,
you got all this money,
You think you can come here
and talk to me like this?
Uh, yeah.
Oh!
Baby, hey.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.
This piece of shit should be broken.
Slowly.
Careful.
Oh! Ow!
Oh, no!
Hey, that's mine.
Hey, Arnie.
Yard's looking a little shaggy.
What the hell is that thing?
Answer me!
Babe! Listen.
Who's the slut now?
I will kill you!
It was one time, I swear to god.
You suck at karaoke.
Ever since I found out about Arnie,
I've been thinking about
sleeping with another woman.
I'm not sure who yet,
but I believe I have many options.
That was not me.
Seventy-two bucks
and change.
The first time in my life I've
been totally honest with someone.
You know, I really used to believe...
That people on this side of town
were so much happier and better.
Wait.
They have nastier secrets...
Than you and I could ever imagine.
Well, I can't foresee this ending badly.
You sure about this?
Yep.
It's another level.
Oh, boy.
Well, hey, guys.
What is this?
Just open it.
Get it over with.
Casper?
Your careless wife left him in
a hot car for three hours...
When you were out of town last summer.
How could you?
Ricky.
No! Get away from us!
Please don't make me do this.
Fun.
Yeah, that's this office
that we're in right now.
That's your husband's foot
in-- in josh the intern's mouth.
And that's the couch that we're sitting on.
That should be all right.
That should be enough.
Thank you very much.
Um, you can keep that.
She thinks she can
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Da-da-die, da-da-die, die
Da-da-die
He has no idea he's not the kid's father?
She got pregnant before she met him.
Told him it was his and said
the baby was premature.
Nine pounds, six ounces.
And joe believed her.
Poor bastard.
Hey, honey, why don't you go
finger-knit with the other kids...
In the other room?
Great.
See you.
Here's some lemonade.
Fresh-squeezed.
Hey, guys.
So, what brings you? Are you all
in the neighborhood?
What is the haps?
I know.
You're pregnant.
That's it, right?
Oh, honey, let her say it.
We've already said it five times.
No. No, I'm not pregnant.
But we have come here to say something.
There's a lie in this room,
And we've come to clear it up.
What are you talking about?
I think you know.
Joe,
I think there's something that...
We need to get out in the open,
Something that Alice told me earlier today...
That-- that, uh,
I think would be better if you knew about.
A while ago,
You-- I'm jealous
of your family.
Jealous?
In the past I've been such
a bitch to you, and I'm sorry.
It's just that you find happiness so easily.
Life seems so effortless the way you live it.
It's amazing.
Oh! Do you
really mean that?
Yeah.
From the bottom of my heart.
Oh, sister.
Oh, wow.
You're gonna get your chance to have a baby too.
Also, you guys,
We're thinking about going vegan.
Ahh!
That's fantastic.
I'll get the recipe book.
Uh-- what?
I can't believe I couldn't go through with it.
No, that's a good thing.
Human, even.
It set us back, John.
I've been thinking.
One big score,
We make the million...
And say good-bye
to the teapot.
Don't we have enough?
Especially after today.
Okay.
Just say it.
There are pedophiles
and drug dealers on playgrounds.
We can take out just one.
If we knock off
one low-life scumbag,
We do the world a favor.
We knock off two, and we're heroes.
Rich heroes.
Why'd you stop?
I think I'm done.
You got to bury a body at
least six feet underground...
Or somebody will find it.
Alice, can you just stop and listen
to yourself for a second?
You're talking about killing a man.
You're talking about burying him in a grave.
One big score, John.
One big score.
Well, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm not capable of killing
a person in real life.
So I have to do it by myself, as usual.
No, nobody has to do anything by themselves.
You don't have to do anything
by yourself either. Dr. Ling was right.
I didn't wanna listen to him at first,
but I see what he means now.
You're turning evil.
There is nothing evil about wanting more.
There's nothing evil about that teapot.
It's precious.
What if I ask you to choose between
me and this thing right now?
I need your help.
Come in, John.
It's bad. It's--
I should have done something more,
but I don't know--
I don't know what else I could have done.
My father, his father,
His father for two centuries took oath...
To find a teapot and hide away forever.
I have opportunity they wait lifetime for.
I found teapot in hands of
average people, good people.
Where is Alice, John?
She will want more.
Soon not just the bad people, but those weakest.
Why wouldn't you just break into
our house and take the teapot?
It must be given, not taken.
That is the only way to rob it of power.
Only answer is for you both to give it to me.
But...
That will never happen.
Dr. Ling.
Please, just tell me what I can do
to get her to wake up.
There is no more hope.
Most likely is already too late for you.
You're giving up on us?
I will never give up on the teapot.
I will wait and wait...
Until the teapot destroy you,
And then I will follow it to the next owner...
And the next.
I will knock on their door
and tell them what I told you.
Maybe they will listen.
Ugh!
Ugh!
What are you doing?
Just promise me that you'll end it.
Give it to Ling,
And he'll get rid of it.
Okay.
Ju-- please
come back in.
Stay back, Alice.
I didn't kill anyone.
But you will.
We'll get rid of it.
We'll do it right now.
Promise?
I promise.
Yeah.
You say I never go through with anything.
No. No. John!
No! John!
Oh, my god.
John, no, please!
My god! Oh, my--
John! John. John.
Hey. Hey, wake up.
Please.
John. John, please wake up.
Please wake up.
Please.
I can't do this without you.
I love you.
Wake up, please!
You're alive?
Yeah. Wow.
Now you promise we'll get rid of it?
I promise.
I'm so ready.
If you find me here
A wreck upon your shore
Would you hide me in your arms
And quell the ocean's roar?
Hey.
I hear someone downstairs.
I got it.
It's gone.
Yeah?
Arnie took the teapot.
Let's just give it
all away--
The car, the house.
Everything. I don't want it anymore.
I miss our pinto.
Wait.
Did we just give sauron his ring back?
You're such a geek.
No, I'm serious.
We have to deliver it to Ling ourselves.
We have to fix it.
Because we're John and Alice Macy,
The frickin' good guys.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Let's review.
He has at least two guns,
Probably a collection of knives,
including the kind that curves...
Like it was designed specifically
for cutting out the entrails...
Of smaller men with a better
developed sense of humor.
A bowie knife?
Uh-huh.
He's the greediest person we know,
And he has a magic teapot that pays for pain.
And he hates us.
He certainly does.
Arnie!
Let us in!
We know you have the teapot.
Arnie?
Jesus Christ.
We're too late.
- Seriously?
- Oh, my god!
Look at this. Money just comes
walking in my house. I love it.
Arnie. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.
Just relax.
Put the gun-- Arnie, please put
the gun down.
Oh, come on. No one's gonna miss you two.
Put the gun down.
- Put it down. Listen.
- Stop it. Stop it.
Just hold on a second, Arnie.
This is insane.
Look at yourself.
I almost feel bad for doing this, you know,
with our history and all.
No!
Arnie!
Ow!
God! Ow!
You almost look like a man.
I am a man!
I've done things to myself that
you can never imagine, my friend.
I've burned, I've cut, I've mutilated...
Every inch of my body.
I've gone to the dark side, and I have no fear.
Now, give us the goddamn teapot.
No!
No! No! No! No!
No!
Settle down!
Oh, my god!
Oh, yeah.
You all right?
You okay, baby?
Give me this.
Okay.
Get down on your knees.
Okay. Okay.
I always wanted to say that.
It's like on cops.
Hi, Alice.
You look like shit!
We're gonna make so much money off you two.
- You don't wanna do this. Trust me.
- Get ready to say good-bye.
- No.
- Sweet dreams.
Guys, you don't wanna--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey!
- Oh, my god!
Wizards!
Give us the teapot!
I'm sorry.
Who the hell are you?
I am god's holy representative.
Our grandmother stole the teapot from hitler,
And these sinners stole it from her.
So my brother and I have
come to take what is ours.
He touched the teapot, remember?
- Hell, no. Oh, no.
- Hi. You come in here, into my house...
And you threaten me
and my wife? Uh-uh.
You come in here,
and you threaten me? Huh?
No way.
You tell him, baby!
Give me the teapot, and I might let you live.
Give him the teapot.
Give it to him.
Put your gun down, redneck,
and give us the teapot.
Excuse me?
What did you just say to me?
I'm gonna pop a cap in your ass.
Arnie!
No!
Oh, sh--
oh, my god!
Arnie!
Give us the teapot!
Arnie!
Oh, no, you terrorists!
Yoel!
What's happening?
Shh.
Arnie? Guys?
Oh, my god.
That could have been us.
Oh, my god.
Let's get rid of this thing.
Kings, Queens,
Dictators, Priests,
Peasants and Generals.
Thousands before you have held it.
So few have had the strength to let go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm a man on fire
Walking through your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come dance with me
Ohh, mmm
Come dance with me
Oh, murder and pain
Oh, my god.
Chuck! Chuck! Chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck.
Come set you free
We're rich. We're rich.
Oh, the heartache and shame
I wanna see your bodies burning
Like old big sun
I wanna know what we've been learning
And learning from
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Everybody want safety
safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody want certain
Certain love
Everybody but me
I'm a man on fire
Walking down your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come and dance with me
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da-da
Hey, hey
Come dance with me
Oh, the heartache and rage
Come set us free
Oh, the panic and strange
I wanna see your bodies burning
Like old big sun
I wanna know what we've been learning
And learning from
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Everybody want romance
Romance love
Everybody want safety
Safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody but me
I'm a man on fire
He's a man on fire
Walking down your street
Walking down your street
With one guitar
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Two dancing feet
Only one desire
Only one desire
That's still in me
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
Want the whole damn world
To come and dance with me
Come and dance with me yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Man on fire
Oh, oh, oh, oh
If you find me here
A wreck upon your shore
Would you hide me in your arms
And quell the ocean's roar?
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
They sink beneath the waves
Of the night
Listen in the wind
A voice that I have known
Soft when daylight fades
Now a whispered moan
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
They sink beneath the waves
Of the night
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
We sink beneath the waves
Of the night
With what? There's nothing
in the fridge.
I'll go to the store when you get paid.
We can crash dinner at my mom's tonight.
I'd rather starve.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd stay in bed with you all day.
I'm gonna be late for work, wife.
You know I'm quick, husband.
Hey, Pete.
Whoops.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, fellas.
Good morning.
Good morning. I have a great
new offer for you today.
Uh-huh.
- Good morning. Hi, Donna.
- Hi, John.
Okay, let's do this. Let's sell some...
Television warranties.
No, um,
I have not had experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond very well to stress and deadlines.
No, um, I have not had, uh,
experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond well-- very well--
to stress and deadlines.
Hi, good morning, Mr. Sandveg.
Hope I didn't wake you.
Hi, auntie.
Are you there?
Uh, no, my name is John Macy.
Um, sir, would you be interested by any chance,
what happened is, we've suddenly started
to hit real well.
What's that? But our pitching
is just terrible.
Hello? Hello? Mr. Sandveg?
Hey, what went wrong on that sale there, John?
Um, this sale.
Dementia.
Okay. Think about
what we talked about.
Productivity, performance, punctuality,
The three main pivot points to you recapturing
your optimal performance level.
Why is this a problem?
Oh, I just think it's honestly
a pretty bad economy right now.
Don't tell me economy.
Everyone's blaming the economy.
You gonna blame somebody?
Blame--
The damn republicans?
What? Don't sass me.
And don't sass my party.
I-- make some calls.
Focus up.
Get rid of those
dumb-ass toys.
First I'm here
Then I'm there
And I know it's a drag
And I know it's a drag but I'm here
I've spent the last three years
finishing my undergraduate degree.
It's been tight, but worth it...
So I could sit here today,
fully qualified for my dream job.
I'm ahead of the pack for once.
We have a lot of applicants,
All of whom have master's degrees...
Or ten years' experience.
Okay.
Flower power, minishirts
In the big city
What do you want?
Came by for the rent check.
It's not due for another three days, Arnie.
Well, then I saved you a stamp.
Ow.
Here. You can't
cash that until Friday.
Weren't you, uh, voted most likely
to succeed in high school, Alice?
Yeah. Why?
Just wondering what
happened. Oh.
Oopsies.
Oh, yeah, that guy.
Mmm. You know,
he's getting promoted.
And I'm considering several
job offers right now.
Oh, that's good.
That's nice. Yeah.
Arnie.
Yard's a little shaggy.
Oh.
Bang!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hello, darling wife.
Hello, husband.
So, this is the part where you tell
me you got a promotion at work...
And a huge bonus.
You tell me to go get sexy
because you're taking me out.
I, uh, found a hoagie time coupon
in the men's room.
It's a bogo.
Ooh.
Love when you spoil me.
Get inside.
It's hoagie time.
Yes! You die.
I think I should just become
a navy seal or something.
'Cause I'm a tactical genius.
Why is it that real blood makes you pass out,
but this is entertainment?
Because I'm killing drug dealers and pimps.
It's god's work.
Hey, which credit card has
no interest until next year?
Um, citibank in July.
Oh! I died, baby.
So, when Arnie cashes our check,
We will be left with--
Why do you care so much about
what Payton and Ricky think?
Because they're our friends, John,
and we went to high school together.
These people tortured me in high school.
Hi, um, Alice and John Macy.
I see you're on the list. Yeah.
Yeah, come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Honey, was there anything about
a dress code in the invitation?
I wanna die right now.
Yeah.
Seven years ago, she was copying
my trig and banging all the jocks.
Her father gave her a bullshit
six-figure desk job...
While holding a solid "c" average in
communications after seven years of college.
Her degree is as authentic
as her bouncy new tits.
Shall we go see some of our good friends now?
Two whiskeys, neat.
Sure.
Hey, Ricky, what do you say?
Hey... Guy.
High five.
It's getting hot outside, right?
- Real hot around here.
- Here you go.
Walked outside yesterday
my whole--
My whole dick was out just swingin' around.
Louise!
Hi. I'm so glad
that you're here.
Yes. Hey.
How are you?
Good. How are you?
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bar and
drink enough to kill a horse.
- You want anything?
- Yes, two beers please.
Got it.
Immediately.
Hi. So, I guess I didn't get the memo
to wear something short and shiny.
Hey!
What's up, man?
I'm so happy you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
Thought I was gonna have to spend the
whole night hiding in the bathroom.
Yeah. Yeah, I tried that one out.
At the vegan barbecue.
Oh, that was you?
That was me.
Dude, I spent 45 minutes shittin' kale
into a hat in the backyard.
My mom got sick again.
So, it's like-- it's okay.
It's just that we had to pay for
all the hospital bills,
And I didn't get the scholarship.
So it's like--
it's a lot.
I'm really depressed now.
Tell me about it.
But good people win out in the end.
Let's go do shots.
Yes, please.
It's a nice theme they've got going on.
Yeah. Nice theme. Pink.
Looks like a fuckin' asshole in here.
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won
she's the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the--
Why did we drink so much?
Because it was free.
We need to go shopping if we want to eat today.
How did your, um, interview go the other day?
If anything,
I was over-qualified.
Well, maybe you should just, you know...
Set your sights a little lower.
I have a $40,000 degree in art history.
I really don't want to work at the mall.
Baby, I'm not worried. You're gonna
have an amazing job one day.
I know. Things will get better.
Mmm.
Oh! Son of a bitch.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You're sure?
Yeah, I think so. Look at me.
You're okay.
Yeah, looks like someone
sawed this thing clear off.
Honestly, we could've been killed very easily.
That was intentional.
Yeah.
That's been happening a lot
in this neighborhood lately.
People comin' around sawin' off stop signs.
- I can't pay for that. - We can't be
held accountable for any of this.
Neither of you are gonna be
paying anything today.
- I been here 30 years--
- I feel like shopping.
Alice! Hey!
Jesus Christ.
- Slow down!
- You're speedin' here!
Hello.
Can I help you?
No, thank you.
I'm just browsing right now.
- Hey, Alice?
- I'm back here.
I, uh, I don't think the axle's bent
or anything so--
You wanna get out of here and get some food?
Well, the antiques roadshow
is coming this weekend.
Why don't we look around? See if
we can find something, get on TV.
You wanna look around here?
Yeah.
Um, excuse me.
Hi. Do you have any, like, old-fashioned
records or comic books or--
Nothing for you.
Nooses? Shotguns?
Poison?
Okay. I'm gonna go just...
In the car.
This is me, before the war.
You were beautiful.
That's the telephone.
Shit.
I got the car to work, baby.
Okay, great. Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go, now.
Why'd you run out of there like
baby face nelson? What happened?
Stealing?
Are you kidding me?
We're, like, two steps above
white trash as it already is.
This is so pretty.
Look at it.
Ow!
Alice!
What are you doing?
I was fighting in my dream.
Okay. No more kung fu movies
before bed.
I love cats. They get me much more
than people do.
Which reminds me. Did you know
Mr. Tutor is having an affair?
- Mr. Tutor? - Yeah. He's into
some very kinky, kinky stuff.
Do you wanna see?
Come on.
Seriously.
Oh, my god.
Where-- oh, my--
- Hi, Mrs. Tutor. Hi.
- Hi.
Nice to see you. You havin' lunch
with the boss today?
Every Friday.
You know, it's little things like that
that keep a marriage special.
- Have a good day.
- You too.
I'm calling about the, uh, position
that you had listed.
No, I don't have my master's,
But I have my bachelor's degree.
And I actually graduated
in the top third of my class.
Okay. Um, is there
any other position?
Something entry-level,
maybe?
Ow!
Ow!
Holy mother of god.
Seven hundred dollars.
Oh, shit!
Ow. Ow.
John, I've come to the realization that...
You may not be a great
salesman. Okay.
You don't smile when you speak
to clients on the phone.
Right. And-and you think my clients
notice when I don't smile...
Over the phone?
It's for my wife.
She has great taste.
What?
Good for her.
Okay. Listen up.
We're letting people go, John.
And, uh, you're the first.
Hold on.
Me? The first?
I've been here longer than
half the people out there.
I'm one of two people with a degree.
And Donna's is from an animal husbandry school.
We're not basing this on seniority, number one.
Number two, don't belittle Donna...
For her passion for animal insemination,
What it's done for this community and
what she's done for this company.
We're letting you go.
Do you have anything else to add?
No.
Alice!
Jesus.
What the--
Alice!
Alice.
Hey, baby.
Baby, can you hear me?
Alice.
Johnny boy.
What happened to you?
- There's someone in the house.
- What? What do we do?
You're my hero.
You're kidding?
Baby, just tell me what the hell happened?
- I fell down the stairs.
- We don't have stairs.
Ow.
There we go.
I think-- baby, I think we need to
take you to the hospital.
I'm fine.
Not everybody has to go to the
emergency room for a mosquito bite.
It was one time.
Thing looked like a hummingbird.
Are you drowsy or nauseous?
I feel very awake.
More than I have in years.
I think you're concussed.
Look.
Watch me.
See?
I'm fine.
Why aren't you at work, baby?
They fired me.
How can they do that?
I'll find another job.
- How hard can that be?
- Seriously?
it doesn't matter.
What?
You feel funny?
Like I might be having a panic attack.
I'm so sorry for this, John.
what the--
What the hell?
Look! Look.
Look. It's better
than any paycheck.
You're giving me money so you can hit me?
No, I'm not.
The teapot is.
It gives money when you hurt yourself.
- What?
- How else can you explain it?
Alice. Alice!
You put the money in the teapot
before you hit me.
No. No, I didn't.
It's empty.
Empty.
What are you doing?
Abracadabra.
Ow.
I guess that really does hurt.
- Where did that come from?
- Seriously, John?
Okay.
Ow! Ow.
Jesus, Alice.
What the--
Ouch.
Ouch.
Stop doing that.
This is the first time I've been
the breadwinner. It feels good.
It's not a paycheck!
Alice, this is not a job. Good.
Most people kill themselves
for decades and get nowhere.
It's a gift from the gods, John.
It could end badly.
Very badly.
We can dig ourselves out of this hole.
Get out of this place.
Get our own house.
Make a million bucks and never work again.
It came to us for a reason.
John?
John?
No. No, John!
No!
Are you a gift from the gods?
Whoo.
So, John, how did you come upon this teapot?
I just found it at a garage sale.
Just sitting there next to a blender
and an old treadmill.
That's very fortunate.
'Cause I must tell you,
when I saw this vessel come in,
My heart skipped a beat.
I don't say this often, on the show,
But I have never seen anything
quite like this before.
Tremendous quality. The alchemy
of the metal is spectacular.
Mostly brass, but some other metal,
possibly silver.
And notice here the detail and the
artistry in this 24 karat gold filigree.
It's impeccable. Truly, truly an
amazing find you have here.
Wow. Where do you think
it came from?
I would guess the middle east...
Or quite possibly ancient China.
I've seen similar vessels like this...
With the same structure of sorts from
some of the earlier dynasties.
But nothing this unique
or well-preserved.
This is truly as if it hasn't aged
for several, several centuries.
Do you know anything at all
else about this teapot?
Um, no, I don't, really.
Except for the fact that...
It's traveled across the world,
through the hands of many important people...
All of whom are now dead.
Okay.
I'm going to estimate the value
of your teapot at $5,000.
Well done. Well done.
Thank you.
We have to promise to stop
before it gets out of control.
We make our million and we stop.
Ready?
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Aah! Ow, ow.
Hello. How are you today?
Good.
Can I take your bag for you? No, no,
I'd rather keep it here if that's okay.
I'll take the full brazilian.
I want it all gone, okay?
Okay.
You know what? Let's do this
the old fashioned way.
Sure.
Great.
Oh, my god.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Yeah, that's gonna be great.
Are you sure you don't want to just
take it to the bank?
How would we explain that to the irs?
- How much is it?
- $194,173.
Yes.
Wow.
Hey. You want to go
for an even 200?
Tonight?
How?
Spank me.
- You want me to spank you?
- Spank me, John.
Huh.
Okay.
- You want me to spank you with that?
- Yeah, I do.
I don't want to hurt you.
- You ready?
- Do it.
- How was that?
Harder?
- Yeah.
- This is crazy.
Harder!
Harder!
This is crazy.
I'm sorry.
- You're pathetic.
- I'm sorry. I can't.
Hey, wow. Okay.
Oh! Ow.
Jesus Christ. Ow. Just hit, like
the cushy part.
Don't get my-- ow!
Yeah, yeah
Okay, that's enough.
That's enough.
Oh, it's enough?
I've been so fast this day
- Hmm.
Hands all over your face
Ow.
I'll never leave behind
Where'd you learn all this?
I had moves before I met you, John.
- I met you in high school.
- Yeah?
You were a stripper in eighth grade?
Ow.
Read your mind to save your life
Bye
Happened so fast
Hands all over your face
You ready for me?
Oh, my god.
Ow.
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no.
Baby, when we go inside--
Will you be nice to my mom?
Because she's always so nice to me.
- Be nice, okay?
- Hey, Trudy.
- You look great.
- Oh, god.
Hi, mom. How are you?
We are just so excited
that you both could join us...
For our mostly vegan feast.
Mostly.
Thank you so much, sis.
- Yummy. - So, John, are you
still with the same company?
Actually, no. I'm not. We switched to
private investing.
Looks like you're doin' all right.
- And you, joe?
- Still non-profits.
Right now I'm working on a huge campaign
for the stock island tree snails.
- Tree snails.
- Yup.
Delicious with butter.
We have a lot of snails and
flower fairies in our garden.
Yes, we do.
Oh, yeah?
Do you like magic?
- Yeah.
- John.
If no one
is going to ask--
How have you gotten so far on the
paycheck of a pesky goddamn telemarketer?
We actually made it big on an investment, mom.
- What investment?
- Oatmeal futures. Sexy shit.
If he's pimping you out, I want you
to come home with me right now.
Yeah, why aren't you out
on the street turning tricks?
You little... Slut.
I tell you what. Let's just have
a pleasant dinner...
Minus the language please.
I'm a white pimp in the suburbs.
That's how we talk. Legit.
I want answers!
Actually,
We're selling Alice's eggs to sterile mothers.
It's beneficial for everybody.
Cage free, farm fresh.
But are they organic?
Eggs.
So, Alice,
Have you and John put any thought
into having a b-a-b-y?
Mmm.
Why is that funny?
Because that's what you're
supposed to do next, right?
Have a baby?
Well, of course.
Why would I want an organism growing
exponentially inside of my body...
And then ripping its way out
of my tight, sweet, fresh,
Young, undamaged v-a-g-i-n-a?
Alice, you are the only one in our
family who hasn't reproduced.
Having a child--
It's like the essence of your soul
is reflected back at you.
It is like god holding up a mirror
to your soul...
Saying "shazam" and enjoy.
Maybe I should've just gotten knocked up
in senior year like you.
Well, summer after senior year.
Mmm.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
I'd forgotten.
Have you tried the 12-bean salad?
Mmm.
Time to meet the sidewalk!
Come on.
Come on!
Baby, we are officially out of debt.
Well, isn't that good news?
Wow, so that means we'll be at a million before christmas.
What's the rush?
Oh.
Don't we want a few of
life's necessities? Mmm.
Some of the things we've gone without?
Mm-hmm. Such as?
I want lots of new clothes.
Vodka.
I want my own vodka label.
Premium shit.
Okay.
Who the hell is that?
Coming!
Coming!
Shabbat shalom.
I'm sorry, guys.
We're not religious.
Oh, my god! Baby!
Baby, no!
Oh, baby, no.
Oh, baby!
Hey!
- Where is the teapot?
- Teapot?
Ow!
- Ow! - The one you had
on the television.
It's a precious family heirloom.
Our grandmother risked her life to
save that teapot during the holocaust.
-I bought it from the old lady. She
gave me a really good deal. -Impossible.
It was the last thing she talked
about before she passed.
She said her teapot was missing.
She died?
Aah!
Where is it?
We sold it!
We sold the teapot.
So where's the cash?
We want the money!
Stop it!
Please stop. It's just five grand,
and you can keep the change.
- Where did all this come from?
- From my bra.
- It's the rainy day fund.
- Is there more?
No, no. Look.
Oh.
One bad deed for another, huh?
Oh, baby. Are you okay?
I'm so, so, so sorry.
Is anything broken?
Ow.
We have to find out what the
hell this thing is. Okay.
Ce30, period, 415g, period.
Wait. Wait.
A practical history of
magical objects and potions.
It's the biggest book
I've ever seen in my entire life.
The legend of the brass teapot.
Wow.
The legend of the brass teapot
first appeared in folklore...
Around the time of christ's crucifixion.
That's what the scholar at the roadshow said,
That it was probably
from first or second century.
It also says...
That the teapot possesses extraordinary
and inexplicable powers.
- Well, that's one way of putting it.
- Right?
It's like it just goes on
forever and ever and ever.
Oh, my god.
Oh, here, here.
I have one.
Oh, whoopsie.
- Shh.
- Shh!
There's no one else here.
This book just goes on and on and on.
All these different temples
and religions. Let me see.
"Bhardwaj warned that those associated
with ownership of the teapot...
Were in for unsavory consequences,
Including--"
No! Somebody
ripped out the page.
- What? - Why would somebody
rip out the page?
No! What do you think
"unsavory consequences" mean?
I don't know. But it's a
really old book, you know?
And we're probably not gonna learn
that much more from it right now.
I think we should go have fun.
I think we should go spend our money.
Can you look at my face for a second?
Two hasidic jewish men came and beat
the shit out of me in my own house...
When I was wearing a silk, pink robe.
Don't gimme that face right now.
You ever have sex in a library?
What?
Go fuck a headphone
We got a time bomb we got
a time bomb we got a time bomb
Na, na, na, na
Time bomb tickin' time bomb tickin'
Got a time bomb tickin', go
We're going sideways highways
Riding on an elevator
cold just like an alligator
Now my baby's out of date
Fighting and lightning and tightening
Above the buckles
on an atom bomb's time bomb
Tickin', tick tick tick
Canape?
Oh, no, thank you.
Guys? Canape?
No, I'm allergic.
Hi, neighbor!
Hi.
You look gorgeous.
When you said the place next to ours,
I thought you meant up the street,
not this place!
How did this happen?
Uh-- um--
Alice, hey. Hey.
Hi. Hi. You look amazing.
Hey.
Thank you. You must have gotten
your dream job.
Dreams are for people
who are sleeping, not doers.
You could still dream, I guess.
You like the sound of that?
Yeah.
Sounds nice, doesn't it?
Sounds like they're really here.
This is my, uh, favorite part of the house.
Exclusive invite only.
Try this on for size, huh?
Really?
To hard work.
Ew. Ooh.
It's a work in progress.
Well, I have to go and show
Payton something upstairs.
- Okay.
- Come on. Let's go.
Okay.
Yeah. See you around.
Hello.
Hi, I'm sorry.
Were we being too loud?
Dr. Li Ling.
What is the theosophist society?
We have interest in antiquities.
Specifically teapots.
I have come from China,
John. May I enter?
We can talk right here.
Are you alone?
Yes.
I'm sorry. Can you just give us one
moment just to talk amongst ourselves?
Thank you.
We should probably listen to what he has to say.
Interest in teapots?
Seriously?
If he takes it, the party will end.
Hi. Dr. Ling, I wish you would have
called us sooner.
We donated the teapot to a museum.
Tax write-off.
- We must talk.
- We don't have it.
You are in grave danger.
You must listen to me before it is too late.
Leave us alone and get off of our property!
You buy girl scout
cookies once--
The best.
They were the best.
We were so close and then--
we used to come here with marcy and dan.
But they don't splurge since his dad went
to prison for embezzlement.
Well, we believe in splurging
every once in a while.
Don't we, baby?
We're trapped
in "splurgatory."
So what sort of dog do you two have?
I heard him howling last night.
Sounds like a big fella.
Oh, we don't have a dog.
That was just some really violent sex.
We used to have an australian
shepherd. Casper.
Beautiful, beautiful dog.
Ran off last year.
- I left the door open.
- I'm not blaming you.
Okay.
Oh, let us get the bill.
Yes, we insist.
No, no, no.
You guys paid last time.
You sure, Alice? That wasn't boone's
we were drinking.
Holy shit.
No wonder why it's so dark in this place.
One of us needs to go to the bathroom, baby.
We certainly do.
- I went last time.
- I went yesterday.
Hmm. Fine.
But you're going to the bathroom
the next two times, okay?
Okay. Excuse me.
- John--
- Yes, dear?
Don't forget this.
Oh.
Thank you.
Why does he need your bag?
Hemorrhoid cream.
Oh.
Alice, that's T.M.I.
Yes.
Oh, no!
When do the vodka profits start rolling in?
What?
Mmm.
I might've misread the market...
Pretty badly actually.
It's okay. As long as we've got the teapot,
everything's gonna be okay.
Why do I get the feeling that,
when the time comes,
I'm going to have to cut off one
of your stubby little fingers...
To throw this thing into mount doom?
What?
It's a literary reference.
Lord of the rings is not literature.
It certainly is.
God, you're such a geek.
Ow.
Oh, you're such a slut.
Hey.
I'm a slut?
Ow! Jesus christ.
Not now, please.
Ow.
Ow! Geez.
That's enough. Stop.
I think you, like, splintered
my tibia or something.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Could've helped you.
Hey, hey! Whoo! Whoo!
It's a party!
Holy shit!
- What are you doing here?
- This is awesome!
- What are you doing here, Arnie?
- Wow!
I was wondering,
Why the hell are you beating the crap out
of each other and laughing about it?
She hit me first.
Mmm.
That's one question.
Dos question.
How are the world's two biggest
losers livin' in this neighborhood?
You are wasted, Arnie,
and I think you should go home.
You can't wait for me to go, can you?
Well, I think it's a little late
to just drop by.
Really. Hold that.
- No! Arnie!
- Still want me to go?
- Don't touch that, Arnie!
- Arnie! Arnie!
Just give it to me.
Please, please.
Do what he says, Arnie!
Give it to me! Please!
No! Get him!
Get him! Get him!
Arnie! Arnie! Arnie!
Arnie, bring your ass back here!
Arnie, please give us our teapot!
Arnie!
Please give me back my teapot, Arnie!
- Why do you even care about this
thing so much? - Because we like it.
This is what we look like
when we like something.
Oh. God, Alice.
You used to be so hot in high school,
And then this guy turned you into
some weird freak-o.
Freak-o?
- You're not better than me.
- No.
- Remember that. - Course not,
Arnie. Look at your truck.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, John, remember when
you tried out for football?
And you sucked?
- Go long.
- Yeah! Yeah.
- Down!
- No, no, no! No, Arnie!
- Set!
- No, no! Don't throw that!
Hike!
Arnie, please be careful!
No!
Arnie!
Arnie!
Arnie! Arnie, don't do it!
Arnie!
Whoo!
Arnie!
- No!
- Enough, Arnie!
No. My teapot!
No, my teapot. My--
It's perfect.
Not even a scratch.
How is that possible?
It's not possible.
It-- what the hell is this thing?
Please, come in.
That teapot has been around for 2,000 years.
It has gone through the hands of some of the
greatest and worst characters in history.
Although we have not seen it since it disappeared
from a nazi concentration camp in 1945.
Our founder,
Dr. A.K. Bhardwaj,
Learned that in the wrong hands,
it could cause great harm.
If there is one ounce of evil
or hatred in either one of you,
The teapot will draw it out.
We're in total control.
We're good people.
This is how it always starts.
- John and I know our limits.
- They all did.
So, what do you suggest we do?
Give it to me.
Go back to your lives and
pretend it never happened.
I told you this was coming.
I will rid the world of it.
You can get rid of it?
It cannot be destroyed.
But it can be hidden in such a way...
That no one will find it again.
Ever.
No. Absolutely not.
We are keeping it, John.
Why are we better than the people
who had it before us?
It's a magic teapot,
Not an atomic bomb.
I didn't believe that guy.
I don't trust him.
He wants it for himself...
Or maybe even north korea.
Did you even think about that?
Hey.
We're John and Alice Macy.
We're the salt of the earth.
Frickin' good guys.
It's not gonna get out of hand, okay?
I'm so annoyed you went skiing
and didn't even invite me.
I'm sorry.
You know, it was Switzerland, last minute.
Yeah.
Oh, Mr. Smoothie!
I love Mr. Smoothie!
That's so childish, right?
No. It's like mall gourmet.
I know.
Hello!
Hello?
Hello.
You can never get anyone
to serve you in these places.
Oh.
I, uh, ducked when I saw you guys coming...
So we could avoid this.
What happened to you?
Uh--
I had a skiing accident.
It's a tough life.
What are you doing here, Louise?
What am I doing here?
Um, it's a second job, you know.
And I save money because I get
to eat smoothies all day.
I have a chronic brain freeze.
Bit of advice, Louise?
Yeah.
Don't eat the merchandise.
Make it a treat.
Um, could I get a nonfat yogurt smoothie...
With maraschino cherries?
Why not?
So, you want the same thing, right?
Yeah.
- Dos.
- You ladies are in luck...
Because we're having
a two-faced special today.
John.
John, there's someone breaking in.
There's someone breaking into the house.
Huh?
Yeah. Bet it's 50 ninjas.
Good night.
Are you serious?
Do you not hear that?
They're coming upstairs.
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
Shh, shh.
Amateurs.
They hid it in the bathroom.
You found it.
It's the brothers again.
What do we do?
They're taking my money.
Shh. Our money.
No. I'm not going
out there.
Alice! Alice!
Go!
What are you going to do, tough guy?
Oh.
Back off.
Tiny underwear.
Did you shave the top of your thighs?
Alice, get back inside.
Would it have made any difference
if we'd warned you?
You knew we had the teapot the whole time?
You were creating our rightful inheritance.
So we'll just take the cash,
and you can keep that beast.
You don't even want the teapot?
If you're smart, you'll get rid of it
before it's too late.
Bubby waited too long.
A woman of her age, she should have been
relaxing, playing mahjongg or something.
Instead she was out every night sawing
off stop signs, hoping for the worst.
Wha--
Don't say we didn't warn you.
- No one leaves!
- Take it easy now, huh?
Take it easy?
That is my money!
Mine!
Oh!
No, baby!
- No. Don't touch it.
- Oh, my god.
Wait!
Where are you going?
Give that to me. That's mine!
Come on! Now!
That is my money!
- Give that--
- What are you doing?
Give that to me!
Come on!
It's my money!
Alice.
Alice?
Alice.
Are you okay?
Baby--
they took everything!
Why didn't you stop them?
Seriously?
Hi, honey.
We need to talk about your lawn.
Now, the block council sent three letters,
And everyone has been talking about it.
The gardener didn't show.
It's my office.
I have to take it.
So you'll take care of this, right?
Of course.
Great. Hey, mar.
Oh, great.
Bitch.
We need to get to work.
I have been working
since 7:00.
Is it still, uh--
Less today than it was before?
Yeah. It's only
fives and ones.
The teapot doesn't like paying like it used to.
I--
We need help.
Living's for the living
Dying's for the dead
I'll tell you right now
How's it going?
Who's the toughest, meanest, baddest
motherfucker in this place right now?
Big fella back there.
He just got out of prison for murder.
Huh.
Two whiskey shots, please.
I'm telling you how it is
Call 911.
Hey, babe, wait.
Don't forget that.
Right.
Been ridin' with the devil
Been such a long time
You are cute.
Oh! Oh!
Whoa!
Whoa!
Heavy flow day, John?
You know, it--
Hello, John.
Jesus Christ! Whoa.
Hi.
You don't look so good.
Feel like a million bucks.
You are changing.
The teapot is consuming you and your wife.
Trust me. Your whole life will
be destroyed by this object.
You will have nothing left.
What then?
Charles Graves. Hey!
- Got time for an old pal?
- Barely.
- Got you working pretty
hard here, huh? - Yeah.
Pulling 60-hour weeks so Louise
can go back to school.
But, uh-- jesus.
- How's things on easy street?
- You'd be surprised.
What happened?
Did good luck finally run out?
Well,
It's not so much bad luck
as it is just--
What the hell happened to your face?
Your eye is, like, hanging out.
I'm fine. What is going on
with you, man?
I'm your best friend.
I haven't seen you in forever.
You show up looking like
the phantom of the opera.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Chuck, I would--
I would tell you everything in a second,
But I just--
I just know for a fact...
That you'd never
ever believe me, and--
Whatever it is that's going on,
it doesn't matter.
It's not worth it.
Do me a favor.
Relax for a minute and remember
what's important, okay?
Look, if you need a job or something,
you can work here.
It pays shit, but at least
the benefits are--
No, there's no benefits.
Yo, James, ollie off the curb!
Yeah, but I got it.
Oh, my leg. Ow!
All right, let me do it again.
That one hurt.
That is not
grown-up behavior.
What are you doing, baby?
Let me ask you a question.
Why am I gonna end up like muhammad ali?
Just so we could have a good credit score?
Stop being such a baby.
Move over.
I'm about to do my laps.
Wait, baby.
Jesus Christ.
What, did you get shot?
I'm fine.
Who isn't fine?
Skateboarder.
Ohh!
Yeah! Come on!
Come on! Tear that pussy apart!
Yeah!
Okay, you're doing good.
Push!
That's good.
Come on! Push!
Security. Who the hell are you?
Goddamn it! Oh!
Oh, wow.
Where else is there awful, horrible pain, John?
Alice, I wanna go home.
I'm done. No. No.
We have to keep going.
I feel energized.
Ever since I first touched it, you know,
Everything's... Louder.
I never wanna lose this feeling.
There's so much hurt out there.
Alice. Alice!
Such a nasty world that we live in.
Alice! Alice!
Hey!
What are you doing?
What the hell was that?
He was crossing against the light.
So we should kill him?
I--
Alice, we said we'd stop
when it got out of hand.
You're on the verge of vehicular homicide.
Bearded maniacs are stealing money out of our toilets.
I'd say it's out of hand.
Goddamn it, John!
I knew that this was gonna
happen. I knew it.
You--
What?
You can never go the distance with anything.
You make all these big plans and promises,
And you never even took me on a honeymoon.
Well, I'm sorry. I've been working my
ass off so you can get your degree.
Well, for as hard as you work,
you never get ahead.
How is that possible?
Well, maybe if I didn't have to support
a wife who just sits at home...
Thinking about how she should start
at the top instead of at the bottom,
Like the rest of the sane world--
you know what?
Screw you! Okay, you're gonna
get out of the car?
Yeah, I am.
I hate you right now!
Baby, get back in the car!
I don't wanna be around you!
No. I'm getting out of the car.
Please come back.
You're losing your mind.
Watch out.
Oh!
Alice.
You okay?
I'm fine.
Where did this come from?
I don't know.
I'm sorry for this in advance.
Some men are destined to fail, John.
And you're one of them.
I think the lottery exists
because of guys like you...
Who know deep down luck is the only way...
They're ever gonna overcome
their spineless, clueless,
Hopeless personalities.
We both know...
That I know...
You know I am too good for you.
Ouch.
Okay.
Now you do me.
What?
Hurt me, John.
No.
John.
Hurt me.
Don't do this here.
It's psychological warfare.
The teapot really likes it.
Hey.
What?
You got secrets, right?
Break my heart, baby.
Uh-uh.
I need a man, John.
New year's eve.
Four years ago.
You were ignoring me at the party.
And when the ball dropped, I grabbed Payton...
And I kissed her face off.
And I still think about it.
Sometimes when I'm kissing you.
Oh.
That was a good one.
Oh, no.
Last spring, when we were drinking...
And playing cards with my friends,
The reason why I insisted that we left...
When they started playing strip poker
wasn't because I didn't feel well.
Oh, no?
Your flaccid penis is very small.
Well, it's average size.
You can look it up.
I have.
I still have the sex tape that I made
with the girl that took my virginity.
It's in a, uh, box labeled "Captain Ron,"
Next to top gun.
I let Arnie go down on me.
You what?
Arnie? Arnie,
as in landlord Arnie?
It was three years ago, before we were married.
Oh, my god!
And you did nothing for him?
I'm so sorry.
What?
Arnie?
What do you want?
Oh, nothing.
I've just come to saw your dick off.
Hi. Hey, guys.
Hey, Alice.
You must be brandi.
Mm-hmm. We haven't been
formally introduced.
My name's John.
I screw Alice...
Who apparently...
Blows Arnie...
Who I assume rides you like a big gorilla.
I will fucking punch you in
the neck! Hey, this is bullshit!
Stop! Now, listen,
you got all this money,
You think you can come here
and talk to me like this?
Uh, yeah.
Oh!
Baby, hey.
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.
This piece of shit should be broken.
Slowly.
Careful.
Oh! Ow!
Oh, no!
Hey, that's mine.
Hey, Arnie.
Yard's looking a little shaggy.
What the hell is that thing?
Answer me!
Babe! Listen.
Who's the slut now?
I will kill you!
It was one time, I swear to god.
You suck at karaoke.
Ever since I found out about Arnie,
I've been thinking about
sleeping with another woman.
I'm not sure who yet,
but I believe I have many options.
That was not me.
Seventy-two bucks
and change.
The first time in my life I've
been totally honest with someone.
You know, I really used to believe...
That people on this side of town
were so much happier and better.
Wait.
They have nastier secrets...
Than you and I could ever imagine.
Well, I can't foresee this ending badly.
You sure about this?
Yep.
It's another level.
Oh, boy.
Well, hey, guys.
What is this?
Just open it.
Get it over with.
Casper?
Your careless wife left him in
a hot car for three hours...
When you were out of town last summer.
How could you?
Ricky.
No! Get away from us!
Please don't make me do this.
Fun.
Yeah, that's this office
that we're in right now.
That's your husband's foot
in-- in josh the intern's mouth.
And that's the couch that we're sitting on.
That should be all right.
That should be enough.
Thank you very much.
Um, you can keep that.
She thinks she can
But nobody knows what lies behind
The days before the day we die
Da-da-die, da-da-die, die
Da-da-die
He has no idea he's not the kid's father?
She got pregnant before she met him.
Told him it was his and said
the baby was premature.
Nine pounds, six ounces.
And joe believed her.
Poor bastard.
Hey, honey, why don't you go
finger-knit with the other kids...
In the other room?
Great.
See you.
Here's some lemonade.
Fresh-squeezed.
Hey, guys.
So, what brings you? Are you all
in the neighborhood?
What is the haps?
I know.
You're pregnant.
That's it, right?
Oh, honey, let her say it.
We've already said it five times.
No. No, I'm not pregnant.
But we have come here to say something.
There's a lie in this room,
And we've come to clear it up.
What are you talking about?
I think you know.
Joe,
I think there's something that...
We need to get out in the open,
Something that Alice told me earlier today...
That-- that, uh,
I think would be better if you knew about.
A while ago,
You-- I'm jealous
of your family.
Jealous?
In the past I've been such
a bitch to you, and I'm sorry.
It's just that you find happiness so easily.
Life seems so effortless the way you live it.
It's amazing.
Oh! Do you
really mean that?
Yeah.
From the bottom of my heart.
Oh, sister.
Oh, wow.
You're gonna get your chance to have a baby too.
Also, you guys,
We're thinking about going vegan.
Ahh!
That's fantastic.
I'll get the recipe book.
Uh-- what?
I can't believe I couldn't go through with it.
No, that's a good thing.
Human, even.
It set us back, John.
I've been thinking.
One big score,
We make the million...
And say good-bye
to the teapot.
Don't we have enough?
Especially after today.
Okay.
Just say it.
There are pedophiles
and drug dealers on playgrounds.
We can take out just one.
If we knock off
one low-life scumbag,
We do the world a favor.
We knock off two, and we're heroes.
Rich heroes.
Why'd you stop?
I think I'm done.
You got to bury a body at
least six feet underground...
Or somebody will find it.
Alice, can you just stop and listen
to yourself for a second?
You're talking about killing a man.
You're talking about burying him in a grave.
One big score, John.
One big score.
Well, I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I'm not capable of killing
a person in real life.
So I have to do it by myself, as usual.
No, nobody has to do anything by themselves.
You don't have to do anything
by yourself either. Dr. Ling was right.
I didn't wanna listen to him at first,
but I see what he means now.
You're turning evil.
There is nothing evil about wanting more.
There's nothing evil about that teapot.
It's precious.
What if I ask you to choose between
me and this thing right now?
I need your help.
Come in, John.
It's bad. It's--
I should have done something more,
but I don't know--
I don't know what else I could have done.
My father, his father,
His father for two centuries took oath...
To find a teapot and hide away forever.
I have opportunity they wait lifetime for.
I found teapot in hands of
average people, good people.
Where is Alice, John?
She will want more.
Soon not just the bad people, but those weakest.
Why wouldn't you just break into
our house and take the teapot?
It must be given, not taken.
That is the only way to rob it of power.
Only answer is for you both to give it to me.
But...
That will never happen.
Dr. Ling.
Please, just tell me what I can do
to get her to wake up.
There is no more hope.
Most likely is already too late for you.
You're giving up on us?
I will never give up on the teapot.
I will wait and wait...
Until the teapot destroy you,
And then I will follow it to the next owner...
And the next.
I will knock on their door
and tell them what I told you.
Maybe they will listen.
Ugh!
Ugh!
What are you doing?
Just promise me that you'll end it.
Give it to Ling,
And he'll get rid of it.
Okay.
Ju-- please
come back in.
Stay back, Alice.
I didn't kill anyone.
But you will.
We'll get rid of it.
We'll do it right now.
Promise?
I promise.
Yeah.
You say I never go through with anything.
No. No. John!
No! John!
Oh, my god.
John, no, please!
My god! Oh, my--
John! John. John.
Hey. Hey, wake up.
Please.
John. John, please wake up.
Please wake up.
Please.
I can't do this without you.
I love you.
Wake up, please!
You're alive?
Yeah. Wow.
Now you promise we'll get rid of it?
I promise.
I'm so ready.
If you find me here
A wreck upon your shore
Would you hide me in your arms
And quell the ocean's roar?
Hey.
I hear someone downstairs.
I got it.
It's gone.
Yeah?
Arnie took the teapot.
Let's just give it
all away--
The car, the house.
Everything. I don't want it anymore.
I miss our pinto.
Wait.
Did we just give sauron his ring back?
You're such a geek.
No, I'm serious.
We have to deliver it to Ling ourselves.
We have to fix it.
Because we're John and Alice Macy,
The frickin' good guys.
Yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Let's review.
He has at least two guns,
Probably a collection of knives,
including the kind that curves...
Like it was designed specifically
for cutting out the entrails...
Of smaller men with a better
developed sense of humor.
A bowie knife?
Uh-huh.
He's the greediest person we know,
And he has a magic teapot that pays for pain.
And he hates us.
He certainly does.
Arnie!
Let us in!
We know you have the teapot.
Arnie?
Jesus Christ.
We're too late.
- Seriously?
- Oh, my god!
Look at this. Money just comes
walking in my house. I love it.
Arnie. Arnie, Arnie, Arnie.
Just relax.
Put the gun-- Arnie, please put
the gun down.
Oh, come on. No one's gonna miss you two.
Put the gun down.
- Put it down. Listen.
- Stop it. Stop it.
Just hold on a second, Arnie.
This is insane.
Look at yourself.
I almost feel bad for doing this, you know,
with our history and all.
No!
Arnie!
Ow!
God! Ow!
You almost look like a man.
I am a man!
I've done things to myself that
you can never imagine, my friend.
I've burned, I've cut, I've mutilated...
Every inch of my body.
I've gone to the dark side, and I have no fear.
Now, give us the goddamn teapot.
No!
No! No! No! No!
No!
Settle down!
Oh, my god!
Oh, yeah.
You all right?
You okay, baby?
Give me this.
Okay.
Get down on your knees.
Okay. Okay.
I always wanted to say that.
It's like on cops.
Hi, Alice.
You look like shit!
We're gonna make so much money off you two.
- You don't wanna do this. Trust me.
- Get ready to say good-bye.
- No.
- Sweet dreams.
Guys, you don't wanna--
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Hey!
- Oh, my god!
Wizards!
Give us the teapot!
I'm sorry.
Who the hell are you?
I am god's holy representative.
Our grandmother stole the teapot from hitler,
And these sinners stole it from her.
So my brother and I have
come to take what is ours.
He touched the teapot, remember?
- Hell, no. Oh, no.
- Hi. You come in here, into my house...
And you threaten me
and my wife? Uh-uh.
You come in here,
and you threaten me? Huh?
No way.
You tell him, baby!
Give me the teapot, and I might let you live.
Give him the teapot.
Give it to him.
Put your gun down, redneck,
and give us the teapot.
Excuse me?
What did you just say to me?
I'm gonna pop a cap in your ass.
Arnie!
No!
Oh, sh--
oh, my god!
Arnie!
Give us the teapot!
Arnie!
Oh, no, you terrorists!
Yoel!
What's happening?
Shh.
Arnie? Guys?
Oh, my god.
That could have been us.
Oh, my god.
Let's get rid of this thing.
Kings, Queens,
Dictators, Priests,
Peasants and Generals.
Thousands before you have held it.
So few have had the strength to let go.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm a man on fire
Walking through your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come dance with me
Ohh, mmm
Come dance with me
Oh, murder and pain
Oh, my god.
Chuck! Chuck! Chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck, chuck.
Come set you free
We're rich. We're rich.
Oh, the heartache and shame
I wanna see your bodies burning
Like old big sun
I wanna know what we've been learning
And learning from
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Everybody want safety
safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody want certain
Certain love
Everybody but me
I'm a man on fire
Walking down your street
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Only one desire
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
To come and dance with me
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da
Bah-da, bah-da-da,
bah-da-da, bah-da-da-da
Hey, hey
Come dance with me
Oh, the heartache and rage
Come set us free
Oh, the panic and strange
I wanna see your bodies burning
Like old big sun
I wanna know what we've been learning
And learning from
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Everybody want romance
Romance love
Everybody want safety
Safety love
Everybody want comfort
Comfort love
Everybody but me
I'm a man on fire
He's a man on fire
Walking down your street
Walking down your street
With one guitar
With one guitar
And two dancing feet
Two dancing feet
Only one desire
Only one desire
That's still in me
That's left in me
I want the whole damn world
Want the whole damn world
To come and dance with me
Come and dance with me yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Man on fire
Oh, oh, oh, oh
If you find me here
A wreck upon your shore
Would you hide me in your arms
And quell the ocean's roar?
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
They sink beneath the waves
Of the night
Listen in the wind
A voice that I have known
Soft when daylight fades
Now a whispered moan
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
They sink beneath the waves
Of the night
Lovely, dark and warm
Fading with the tide
We sink beneath the waves
Of the night