Breaking Barbi (2019) Movie Script
1
(SHINING MUSIC)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
(ZAPPING)
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(CRASHING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(BEAR ROARING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: In
case you were wondering
how I wound up in this
farcical situation,
let me catch you up.
("FASHION MODELS" BY ANTRACTO)
My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.
My parents named me after Barbra
Streisand and Dolly Parton,
their favorite singers.
I'm a cosplayer, model,
blogger, and fitness goddess.
What is that, you ask?
What are you, a hermit?
It means I spend my days
doing selfies, posing,
and doing endless videos
of my ass doing squats.
Endless squats.
Hundreds of squats.
Thousands of squats.
You can find me at
Breaking underscore Barbi.
Sounds easy but it's
actually really hard.
It means that anything I do
suddenly turns into a
photo shoot, a video opp,
or an opportunity for a collab.
This type of work comes
with a major downside,
meeting a nice guy.
You have to be choosy, you know.
I mean, like, what if
I'm seen with a guy
that doesn't even have at
least 10,000 followers?
That would be unthinkable.
I have my reputation.
And then I met Jake.
250,000 followers.
Plenty of water.
(BARBI MOANS)
Got the first aid kit in
case of any emergency.
- Got bandages.
- OMG, he is
- so fire.
- Ointment, wet wipes.
- Food rations.
- I wonder how many hash tags
I can fit into this post.
Sunscreen.
Lip ointment.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
BARBI VOICEOVER: He asked
me to go hiking with him
on our first date.
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
I just can't even.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
Compass.
Extra battery.
Security blanket.
- He's so into this!
- Rope and tackle.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Look at all those
cute things he brought.
And most importantly,
a radio and GPS tracker
so we can't get lost
and we can call for help
in case of an emergency.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
totes need a selfie.
Oh, like right now.
Selfie.
- My turn.
- Jessica will be
totally jelly when she
sees me with this guy.
All right, I think
that's everything.
You ready?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
You better believe it.
Yep.
You wanna do a last check?
We're gonna be up
there for a while.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
have everything I need
right here, baby.
Don't need this.
Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.
And a little something
for the hot tub.
I'm good.
All right, let's do this.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
JAKE VOICEOVER: Did I
tell her how cute she looks?
Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?
Yeah, sure.
(KEY CHAIN SQUEAKS)
(JAKE SIGHS)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
I'm glad you swiped right.
It's really hard to find
girls that like to free-climb.
BARBI VOICEOVER: What the
hell is he talking about?
Oh, my profile.
I thought free-climbing
was some sort of sex thing.
Well, when the app
asked for what level,
I obviously wrote expert.
Gosh.
Oh.
This is pretty
hardcore, even for me.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Wait, is he serious?
I thought we were gonna
take some cute selfies
and go back to his place.
We could've started
with something simpler,
but I mean, I'm sure at your
level this is a piece of cake.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Way to go, Barbs.
You're gonna get
yourself killed.
(BIRD SCREECHES)
Was that a pterodactyl?
OMG, I'm so gonna die.
I mean, anything can
happen out there.
I can be eaten by a
bear, fall of a cliff,
butt-raped by aliens, dragged
away by wolves, anything!
Let's go.
BARBI VOICEOVER: And
I just got these shoes.
Ugh, just look at that butt.
He definitely
doesn't skip leg day.
Totally worth it.
No sweat.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
hope he eats pineapple.
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
JAKE VOICEOVER:
Aw, that's so sweet.
She's going slow
and waiting for me.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Aw, he's so sweet.
OMG, it is pineapple!
Mm!
JAKE VOICEOVER: I
can't wait to invite her
to my mansion in Hawaii.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
This isn't so bad,
but I could totally go
for a latte right now.
JAKE VOICEOVER: You
know, I'm gonna slow down
and let her get ahead of me,
so if she falls I can catch her.
Everything about her is perfect.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I hope
there's a Starbucks up there
or something.
JAKE VOICEOVER: I
can see myself spending
the rest of my life
with this girl.
(THUDDING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Phew,
almost at the top. (body thuds)
Sure hope we're not
going down that way.
Whew!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Jake?
There's no signal up here.
Jake?
Jake?
Jake?
What are you doing down there?
(JAKE LAUGHS)
Ugh, there's no signal up here!
Ugh.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Maybe
there's some signal,
mm, over here.
(BARBI HUMS)
- (ROCK RUMBLING)
- Whoa!
(SQUISHY CRASHING)
(JAKE SCREAMS)
Jake?
Are you okay?
(JAKE GROANS)
BARBI VOICEOVER: O!
O!
M!
M!
G!
G!
(VOICE ECHOING)
Did I just kill the
hottest guy ever?
I didn't know about the rock.
I mean, I didn't
put the rock there.
The rock, who put
the rock there?
Like, Mother Nature and stuff.
It's not my fault.
I didn't do it.
It's not me.
I would never do that.
(AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)
(LASER ZAPPING)
(EXPLOSION BOOMING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Now I'm totally lost.
No signal, no date,
no food, no water.
Didn't see this bag of dicks
coming straight at my face.
This is insane!
I can't believe I'm out here.
And the worst part is I can't
upload these amazing selfies.
Why don't they put cell
towers out here or something?
Ugh, ugh, like, no
signal anywhere.
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
I mean, if you're gonna
be banished up here,
you're gonna wind up
dead anyway soon, right?
Figures.
I bet all my friends are
worried sick about me.
It's not bad.
It could be worse, right?
I mean, like, I'm
getting back to nature.
I'm becoming like zen and stuff.
Ugh, my feet are killing me.
Wow, this is a great
location for squat videos.
I mean, look at this place.
I can totally make
so much content here.
(BARBI GROANS)
Oh, oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Oh god.
I hope there's like some,
some signal up here.
There's no way, oh, no way.
This is, this is
not happening to me.
No, this is not happening
to me right now.
Come on, signal,
come on, come on!
God, oh god, this can't be!
Oh, oh, I'm not, no!
Oh!
Body, you can't do
this to me right now!
Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!
How did the savages do it?
Oh!
I'm not gonna be
like a barbarian,
but I don't think
I have any choice.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Toilet paper, mm!
Leaves.
Okay, okay, maybe I
could use some of these.
Right here, okay.
Now, now I need to find a spot.
Oh!
I can't wait any longer!
Oh, I need a spot, oh!
What about right here?
Yes, this looks fine.
Okay, all right.
Pants down.
Okay.
(EXCREMENT SPLATTERING)
(BARBI GROANING)
Oh, that's so good.
Woo!
Yes.
Woo!
My pants feel looser now!
Oh, I feel so cleansed.
I guess it's not such
a bad day after all.
Feel so fresh.
(BARBI HUMS)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
I once saw some TV show about
this guy in the woods and junk
and he would just find stuff
that would help him survive.
I wish I paid attention to it,
but he was like so hot
and I really didn't
understand a word he said.
Hm, I wonder if I could
find him out here.
Maybe I could get a ride.
He's always got like a
helicopter or something.
Ew, is that a spider?
I hate spiders!
Ugh, this place so
needs a cleaning!
Where are the park maids?
Ew!
I hate this place!
I hate nature!
I wonder if this
place has bears in it.
I mean, it looks
like a bear place,
and if I was a bear, I'd
totally hang out here.
Hey, is this where the
WeHo Bear Club hangs out?
What the!
You're gonna burn in
hell for what you did!
(GRUNTING)
(THUDDING)
Three years cardio kickboxing!
Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.
I, uh, was looking
for someone else.
Gonna need this for later.
You gonna kill some peanut
butter sandwiches with that?
I lost my weapon.
I woke up and it was gone, okay?
I'm looking for someone.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,
whoa whoa whoa, I totally
found him like that.
He was at the bottom of the hill
and the blood and the rock
was already on top of him
and I was totally gonna go
down there and help him out,
but you know, I'm wearing
high-heel sneakers
- and I can't go down there...
- Found who?
Nobody.
Are you the police?
(LAUGHS) Police.
No.
I'm Homeland Security.
(EAGLE SCREECHES)
Oh.
Whew.
What happened to your head?
It's nothing.
I'm looking for someone.
Have you seen this woman?
That is the worst
selfie I have ever seen.
You need to learn better angles.
You can make yourself look
about 10 pounds lighter.
And you need a
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
filter too because I
could totally see pores.
So you haven't seen her?
OMG!
You get cellphone
service out here?
Who is your carrier?
(MAN SIGHS)
Nassau.
Are they good?
Stellar.
Interstellar.
Because I can't get
a single bar out here.
Are their roaming rates okay?
Astronomical, but
we're subsidized.
Wow.
Excuse me.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hm?
- Sir.
(GRUNTING ON PHONE)
My sit rep is as follows.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Agent Vicky is still MIA.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
The package is recovered.
MAN ON PHONE: Mm-hm.
I'm wounded but able.
The situation...
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Is FUBAR.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
No, no no no no no no.
No, Bogley shot
down the transport.
Requesting recovery team.
They are everywhere!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Send in Agent Radcliff.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Roger that, sir.
So I'm not in trouble?
Are you an illegal alien?
Six eyes, tentacles?
I'm from Texas.
Close enough.
I can't believe you
get signal out here.
I've been looking for
signal for like an hour.
(MAN CHOKING)
God, I wish I had some
water or something.
You sound like you're
totally choking.
(MAN COUGHING AND CHOKING)
Oh, do you think if I get
higher up the mountain,
like I could get a signal there?
(MAN COUGHING AND CHOKING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
You know what?
Can I borrow your
cellphone to...
Hello?
So you haven't seen her?
No!
Creepy much?
Just like I need a,
I need a new phone or something.
This one's terrible.
Hey, do you know how to
get
out of here?
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
BARBI VOICEOVER: I have
like 3.4 million followers.
I have millions of likes,
collaborations, sponsorships.
I spend all my
time showing people
what a perfect and
sexy life I have.
And I have no real friends.
I don't have any real friends.
I don't spend time with anyone.
All my friends are
social media friends.
There is literally
no one out there
that gives a damn about me.
If I don't upload
for a few days,
everyone will
forget I even exist,
and there is a new face already
poised to take my place.
Uh-huh.
I hate Jessica!
Her makeup is
always so on point!
Well, sure she looks
like ass in real life
without all her filters.
Totally met her at a meetup,
and I laughed so
hard when I saw her.
What a dumb hoe.
She shouldn't show
her face in public
when she uses all those tricks
to make her skin all flawless
and all those camera angles to
make herself look all skinny.
She is a walking lie,
and I can't even post
that pic of me and Jake.
R.I.P.
He was so lit.
I am so hungry.
If I don't eat
something like soon,
I'll start losing
all my booty gains.
Bag of dicks.
Oh, mushrooms.
Non-GMO, gluten-free, and
totally organic, right?
I mean, you can't
get much fresher
than straight out of
the forest, right?
Smells like shiitake.
I, I wish I could look it up.
Dammit!
Well, what if I just try one?
I can always make
myself throw up, right?
I'm like great at vomit.
I practiced in high school.
No way Suzie Baker was
gonna be thinner than me.
That bitch.
Hm, tastes pretty good.
I'm like so paleo right now.
Just like that raw vegan
place I tried last month.
Ugh, I'm like a total
savage barbarian right now.
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(RAPID WHOOSHING)
(SQUISHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh!
A unicorn.
Take me to that rainbow.
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LASER BLASTING)
Whoa!
Pretty colors!
(CROWD CHEERING)
- (LASER BLASTING)
- Get out of the way!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
You're gonna get
yourself killed!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
Do you know how to get
to grandma's house?
I don't know where
your grandma is.
(LASER GUN BLASTS)
What's wrong with you?
Did you eat something out here?
Are you hungry?
I have muffins and cookies.
Uh,
I only
eat gluten-free cookies.
Give those to your grandma.
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
Um...
Hey Mister Wolf, did
you see what I just saw?
Was that Little Red Riding Hood?
MISTER WOLF: It
sure was, Barbi.
I think that was
Little Red Riding Hood.
What do you think?
MISTER WOLF: You're far
more delicious though. (laughs)
(BARBI LAUGHS)
(LASER GUNS FIRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Have you seen Agent Mahoney?
Tall, bald, glasses.
The better to see me with!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
They must have no vision
in the pink spectrum!
("STRIPTEASE" BY MUZIK)
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
(LOW BUZZING)
They can't see pink.
(SONIC WHIRRING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Sir, I have discovered a
fault in their technology.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
It can change the course
of our whole battle.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Alert Agent Radcliff that
the aliens cannot see pink.
(LASER BLASTING)
Oh, pretty!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Okay,
I'm starting to suspect
that those were not
gluten-free mushrooms,
because I haven't
tripped balls like this
since that weekend freshman
year in the Hamptons
when Jessica stole my
first serious boyfriend.
What was his name again?
I mean, we were like totally
destined to be together.
He was so rough and tough,
just like a hot barbarian.
I would've given him
so many followers,
but he chose Jessica and
all he got was herpes.
OMG, is that him,
what's-his-nuts?
He looks so much
better in a loincloth.
("DAYS OF HIGH ADVENTURE"
BY CINEMATIQUE)
Antibiotics do wonders.
Check out this cute outfit.
I have a sword, armored boobs!
Looking good, Barbi.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Hm.
This looks sharp.
This hallucination
is like so lit.
That's right.
Sploosh.
You're gonna need a lot more
water to put out this fire.
Mm-hm.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Man, my abs look amazing.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Why
did we break up again?
I totally can't remember.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
I bet she wants me.
BARBI VOICEOVER: If
this gets any hotter,
I'm gonna need a boat.
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Check it, uh-huh.
Call that a sword?
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'll
call it anything you want.
Wait, what just happened?
BARBARIAN
VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait, what?
(HORSE NEIGHS)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Hail to the king.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Well
this escalated quickly.
Oh, he's serious.
Maybe he means
somebody back there.
Nope, just me.
Well, I didn't get
all fantasy dressed up
for nothing, I guess.
And I have this sword,
so my brain must've known
something like this would happen.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Gonna make her work for it.
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
This chick's gonna ruin my pump!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Your
pump looks just fine to me.
I could totally take him.
(SQUEAKS)
I know what he likes.
(BARBI GIGGLES)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
She slapped my ass.
I kinda like it.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh,
we're still doing this.
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
(SWORDS CLINKING)
When did foreplay
become so hard?
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
(BARBI GROWLS)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
knew I shouldn't have taken
my pre-workout pill early.
(SWORDS CLINKING AND WHOOSHING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'm so glad
I've been doing yoga classes.
They really keep
me nice and loose.
I can totally hold my own.
I always could.
Not to mention I look
amazing with this hand.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
wonder if she saw that lion
that I killed last week.
Oh, yeah.
(SWORDS CLINKING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: What I
love about this fantasy is that
Jessica would never look
as good as I do in this.
I mean, have you
seen this hotness?
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: Man,
that's a nice loincloth.
I wonder if she's
wearing underwear.
Wait, am I?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
This barbarian fantasy
is so much better
than the light show.
(SWORDS CLINKING)
Ha, gotcha!
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: But
that was my favorite sword.
Aw.
I'm sad.
(BARBARIAN MUTTERING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh come on!
You're finished already?
But I'm not done yet!
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
don't wanna fight you anyway.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
I can get your sword.
- It's like right there.
- Stupid girl.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'll give
you a hand and everything.
I'll go get it for you.
(BARBARIAN MUTTERING)
Wait, come back!
Ugh, it's like high
school prom all over again
except I'm not fat anymore.
Ugh, things get rough and he
goes crying to his mother.
And now it's just me
left behind with a rabbit
and no batteries.
Ugh, now I remember the problem.
He's too into himself,
all pump and no go.
Jessica can totally
keep him, blech.
All those muscles spending
hours at the gym, for what?
And then he dumps me.
Me!
I mean, have you seen
how hot I look now?
Most people would
hallucinate being a superhero
or a ballerina.
Me, oh no.
What is my subconscious
trying to tell me?
Worst
fantasy
ever.
("SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
BOX" BY ALEXVOMBAT)
("SCARY LULLABY"
BY CREATIVETUNES)
Pretty.
(BALLOON POPPING)
(BARBI SQUEALS AND GIGGLES)
(EERIE MAN LAUGHING)
Why'd you pop my balloons?
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Oh my god, oh my god!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
This cannot be my life!
A monster, really?
Slow down, bitch!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
I'm tired!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
("NEW INDIE ROCK
ACTION" BY SUSLIKK1980)
(CLOWN MUTTERS)
It's all right.
- You good?
- Mm-hm.
We're good.
We're good.
Okay.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Oh my god, he's
swinging an ax at me!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
You're such a dead little bitch!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(CLOWN LAUGHING)
You're such a dead little bitch!
(AX WHOOSHING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(CLOWN LAUGHS)
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?
(BARBI SCREAMS)
No!
Leave me alone!
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?
Party supply
stores for clowns!
(CLOWN LAUGHING)
(LIQUID TRICKLING)
That was crazy.
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Say a command.
Call home.
- WOMAN ON PHONE: Hi, honey.
- Honey, yeah.
Hey so, I just pulled
over to take a quick leak.
Unbelievable.
You wouldn't believe.
There was a chick,
a blonde chick,
tripping balls
out in the forest,
like losing her freaking mind.
- Drugs?
- Yeah yeah, I know, right?
Kids today.
I mean, ugh, kids.
Oh no, why is he chasing me!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(BONKING)
(LOW HUMMING)
(ALIENS BABBLING)
(ALIENS CLICKING)
Shh!
(ALIENS BABBLING)
Ow.
What?
(CREATURE SQUEAKING)
Oh my god!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(BARBI GASPS)
Yes!
(BARBI LAUGHS)
Oh, yes!
Oh!
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(PHONE WHIRRING)
No no no no no no no!
No!
No!
No, don't die!
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Fresh and clean.
Nothing like a morning shower
in natural springwater.
Is this what my parents
were talking about
when they lived in that hippie
commune back in the '80s?
I think they wore like
jogging suits or something.
Hm, something feels weird.
Were there way too many
minerals in the water?
Maybe I need some
lotion or something.
My neck is feeling kinda itchy.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
Focus, Barbi.
It's just all in your head.
Maybe I didn't sleep off
all the effects from
those mushrooms.
No, I'm definitely feeling
something back there.
Where's my mirror?
Let's see.
Are those my pores?
Ugh!
I totally need some
new foundation.
Maybe a waterproof
one or something.
Better, I mean, not bad
for the savage wild.
I wonder where I am.
I've been walking
nonstop for hours.
I wish I was
tracking my calories.
My calorie burn must
be off the charts.
Ugh, what is this
freaking itching!
Did I touch some poison
ivy or something?
I have a photo shoot next week,
and if I'm still alive,
I can't have a rash I
can't cover up with makeup.
Wait, what the hell is this?
Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Spider.
("STREET RACING"
BY SOUND FORCES)
(HEAVY THUDDING)
Oh, you're awake.
Yeah.
What happened?
You slipped and fell.
Lucky I was there to catch you.
Wow.
I could've died.
Yeah, I know.
Pretty amazing, right? (LAUGHS)
Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.
Barbi Radcliff.
I mean, Brennan.
(BARBI AND KENNY LAUGHING)
Oh, sorry, I went
through your bag.
You were out of water
so I gave you a refill
and some food rations.
BARBI VOICEOVER: And a ring.
You mean a ring.
OMG, OMG, OMG, it's
really happening!
I'm gonna be the next
Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!
I'm not gonna die alone
in my house with 10 cats
who will eat my eyes after
I'm dead like my mom said!
It's so beautiful!
I'm gonna get this
appraised right away.
What is this, like 100 carats?
I'm so worth it.
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
My precious!
Take that, Jessica!
Thank you very much.
You should probably
stick to the trails.
Trails?
What trails?
I'm totally lost.
In more ways than one.
- Huh?
- Oh, nothing.
Are you out here alone?
Sort of.
Well if you hike that way
for about a mile and a half,
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
you'll come across the road.
Sooner or later the ranger
will come by and pick you up,
get you home.
Are you coming?
No.
I've got unfinished business.
(EAGLE SCREECHES)
Oh, so you go that way?
Hello?
BARBI VOICEOVER: I really
need to start paying attention
when people talk to me.
It's just so rare that I
actually talk to someone
face to face, you know?
It's so much easier
to text them.
Hm, maybe my people skills
are somehow lacking.
Like, if I listened
to Kenny's directions,
maybe I'd already
be home by now.
Wait, is that someone there?
Maybe they know where I am.
She looks familiar.
Where have I seen her before?
Does she do hair tutorials?
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
Help me!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Maybe she
knows where to get signals
so I can find Kenny
and swipe right.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Do you know how to
get out of here?
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
Oh my god, what is that smell?
Oh, thank god!
Help me!
My arm is crushed!
Hey, are you okay?
Help me, I'm stuck!
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
What happened?
(WOMAN GROANS)
WOMAN: My arm's
crushed, I can't move it!
Oh that looks bad.
Your dry-cleaner is never
gonna get that out, honey.
I know, right? (LAUGHS)
Now can you help me?
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
What is that stench?
The effervescent scent
of the great outdoors.
Hey, were you gonna
cut your arm off?
Yeah, duh.
I can't take it anymore!
I know, right?
I would totally kill myself
if I had to smell this.
What happened?
I was in a plane crash.
Didn't you see?
What plane crash?
Oh never mind.
A little help here?
Oh, sorry.
(FLATULENCE SPUTTERING)
What's that?
Uh, nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Get me outta here!
Uh, hold on.
Wait, wait.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
Is that a dead body?
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
WOMAN: You gotta
be kidding me.
(WOMAN GROANS)
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
Ew!
It is a dead body!
Oh, and it looks like someone
beat the crap out of it.
What happened to him?
The same thing
that'll happen to you
if you don't get me out of here.
You're totally freaking
me out right now.
Haven't you ever seen
a dead body before?
Recently?
Uh-huh.
Who is this?
I'm gonna die here.
(FLATULENCE SPUTTERING)
The dead body.
My boss.
Might've had a
slight disagreement
over a small financial sum.
RALPH: Hey, you can't take
that, those are state secrets!
(WOMAN GRUNTS)
(FISTS THUDDING)
("GAME TIME" BY KLOUDIZATION)
No, you can't stop me!
Cut you.
Give me it back.
I'm gonna cut you!
Give me it back!
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
(ROCK RUMBLING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
There was a rock slide,
but that came after,
and now I'm here!
Oh.
Okay. Well do you know
how to get out of here?
Can you please
help me already?
All right already, gosh!
It's all about you, isn't it?
(WOMAN GROANS)
Oh, there's no way
I'm gonna move this.
And honey, I'm not
cutting your arm off.
That would be way too messy,
and have you seen this
outfit that I'm wearing?
Just get that stick over there
and use it like a lever
to move the rocks.
Oh!
Will this do?
That's too heavy.
Can you please hurry it up!
All right, all
right already, gosh!
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
(BARBI SIGHS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
That's good.
What the?
Where'd she go?
(FLATULENCE SQUEAKING)
(ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING)
(BARBI SQUEALS)
Why does this keep
happening to me?
(BARBI WHIMPERS)
Oh god.
Why is this always so...
(BARBI YELPS)
What was that about?
(BARBI SQUEALS)
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Okay, that was weird.
Hair tutorial girl just
vanished into the forest
and now I'm left with
a dead farting body.
It looks so familiar.
Meh, probably just
my imagination.
What I need to do is
center, regroup my thoughts.
I might be seeing things again.
Man, those mushrooms have
some gnarly acid flashbacks.
Okay, I need to calm my mind.
I need a zen moment.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
Okay, that was in
my head, right?
Okay.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
So much for tranquility.
And here I was thinking
I could reach nirvana,
like that one time in that
hot yoga class I tried.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
(BARBI WHIMPERS)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(ANIMAL ROARS)
And now we're all caught up.
I'm getting pretty good
at this survival thing.
I just wish I had some
pre-workout with me.
Ugh, I miss my
Wow Force protein.
But look at me!
I'm getting better at
this free-climbing thing.
I'm even starting to enjoy it.
I just wish I brought something
other than high heel
sneakers with me,
but then this outfit
would not look this cute.
I have this funny feeling
that I might've taken the
long way up this mountain.
But maybe there's
a signal up there!
There has got to be
some signal somewhere
in this nature's bag of dicks.
This fast at cardio is the bomb!
Damn, that was
the ultimate burn!
Leg day, smashed!
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
Oh my god, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
(METALLIC CLATTERING)
(BARBI GRUNTS)
Whew.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Ugh, much better.
I think I've set some of record
for wearing a waist trainer.
I need a break.
That mountain was a little
rough for my complexion.
I'm either gonna be glowing or
I'm gonna need some
industrial strength facials
when I get out of here.
I mean,
I don't think there's any
dirt left on the ground.
It's like all in my pores!
Luckily I'm prepared for this.
My Super Mega Pore Suck mud
mask should do the trick.
Just need a place to sit down
and do a little spa treatment.
You know, it's all about
personal care and hygiene.
Good thing I'm all
alone out here.
I mean, if someone sees me
like this, I would just...
Die, you faceless
form of a space alien!
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa, it's me!
Shit.
Didn't recognize you.
Almost blew your face off.
I'm doing a little
spa treatment.
Yeah. Maybe I should
blow your face off.
Your pores were looking
horrible back there.
I know, right?
It's all about personal
care and hygiene.
What the hell are you
still doing here anyway?
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
I told you how to
get out of here.
I followed all your
directions to the letter
and here I am.
We need to get
out of here, now.
What are you thinking,
cocktails, dancing?
No, we need ex-fill ASAP.
Are they a band, they new?
Never heard of them.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Oh Jesus.
(SONIC WHIRRING)
That's not exactly a
hunting rifle you got there.
No, it's not.
You mean you're not
hiking or hunting?
Oh, I'm hunting.
I just hope I get it
before it gets me.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(FIST THUDDING)
(ALIEN ROARING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: What
the hell, what the hell,
what the hell, what the hell!
I gotta get outta here!
I hate the outdoors!
(ALIEN ROARING)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
OMG, what should I do?
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do!
He's like an outdoorsy guy.
Wait, should I help him?
Nah, he's fine, he's
fine, he's fine.
I think I'm just
gonna get in the way.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I'll just text him later.
He got this.
What was that?
That had to be some
mutant bear lion octopus.
Six eyes, tentacles.
The water must be
totally contaminated
out here or something.
My mother was right,
I am gonna die a
lonely spinster!
Well at least my
pores are glowing now.
Not that it matters.
("AFFECTIVE PIANO" BY EDRECORDS)
Oh look, a cave!
What possible dangers
can lurk inside here?
Ugh, it doesn't matter
anymore anyway, does it?
I'm alone, again!
Just like my whole life!
I miss my phone!
Just holding it
makes me feel better!
I'm severed from the collective!
I'm never gonna find my
way out of here, am I?
There will be stories
of the lonely crazy lady
who lives up in the
cave in the mountains.
It'll be used to scare
children at night.
I'll just stop
shaving, plucking,
and just let everything go.
I'll eat pasta,
doughnuts, pizza,
stop doing squats and let
my abs get all flabby.
I mean, who do I need
to look good for?
My whole love life
has just been a mess.
All I wanted was
to find a nice guy,
someone who will love me.
But who is the real me?
I'm not exactly a good person.
I mean, I just left
that guy to die.
He was out there screaming,
and I just kinda ran away,
not to mention poor Jake.
I have like the worst luck ever.
Now that I've seen
more of the world,
I guess it's not so important
to have a million followers.
Kenny's probably some
special forces black ops guy
who doesn't even have a
real identity, like my dad.
He's not even online
and he's still hot.
Hot guys without social media?
Is that even possible?
Poor Kenny and Jake.
OMG, does this make
me like a black widow?
R.I.P.
They were so lit.
(BARBI GASPS)
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
Huh?
Ah, it was a dream.
Ugh.
Oh, thank goodness.
(BARBI SIGHS)
(BARBI HUMS)
Oh, hello room, I've missed you.
(BARBI PURRS)
Still got it.
Mm!
(BARBI GASPS)
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(MAN CHANTING)
Hello?
Hello, daughter
of the universe.
My mom's name is Diane.
We are all children
of the universe.
No need to worry.
Nothing happens randomly.
There is a divine
path to everything.
We are all but stardust.
Uh-huh.
The paths you have chosen
and the decisions you've
made led you here.
Uh-huh.
And what have
you learned so far
from your journey, my child?
Not to wear high-heeled
sneakers while hiking.
Well, that's a start.
But what have you
learned with your heart?
Not to lie on
my dating profile.
Closer.
Think beyond here.
I don't know.
I've seen some ratchet
shit out there.
You have questions.
Yeah, how do I
get out of here?
Excellent question.
The body is just a mortal coil
that we're all trapped in.
But if you free your mind,
it will flow with the
energy of the universe.
I can teach you
ancient techniques.
No, no, I mean how
do I get out of here?
Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?
No.
Ask yourself deeper questions.
Oh, you mean like
meaningful questions.
Yes, exactly.
Ask, my child.
("INDIAN MEDITATION"
BY HONEY LEMON)
How is Jessica getting
all her followers?
She's buying her
likes, isn't she?
Oh my god.
Is she real?
Let me tell you a secret.
The ultimate answer
you're looking for,
it will end your search
and will take you to a new
level of consciousness.
Space time will come
together, and your
- questions will be answered.
- Huh?
For example, when the
ancient gods came down
in their flying chariots
and seeded mankind
with their DNA,
the aliens never left.
They're still here.
Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,
and Steve tried to help,
but accidentally
caused the disco era
and the porn industry.
Then there are
the lizard people.
Total assholes!
Homeland Security was founded
to keep them in check.
They created the internet
to distract the people from
what's really going on.
And that is the secret wisdom
that only a few chosen
have ever been given.
The knowledge will alter the
very fabric of the universe
and free your mind
of enslavement.
Yeah, I'm gonna go now.
What a weirdo.
What, really?
Looks like I picked the wrong
day to stop sniffing glue.
(SHARP INHALING)
(ZEN MASTER GROANS)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh my
god, what is wrong with me?
Why am I such a perv?
That guy had super
important junk to say.
Do I need help?
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
JESSICA AND BARBI: O.M.G.
- Barbi?
- Jessica?
JESSICA AND BARBI:
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you
hiked these trails.
Are you totally copying me?
Wait a minute, what trails?
The trail that's
like 10 feet that way.
What?
I come here every day.
How do you think I get
those inspirational selfies?
You get those here?
Yeah.
Bag of dicks.
Wow.
You're wearing that?
Brave choice.
So, where have you been?
You haven't like uploaded
in like two days.
People think you're dead.
Yeah.
There's like Where's Barbi
memes all over the web.
Really?
I was here.
Here?
Like here?
For two days?
Yeah, I was totally lost.
No way!
Shut up, shut up!
(JESSICA GASPS)
You were here,
lost for two days?
What about the internets?
Well, I had no signal,
and then naturally,
my cellphone died.
You poor thing.
(LAUGHS) But thanks.
Now that you're gone,
everyone has dropped your feed,
and I'm the number
one new selfie queen.
You snooze you lose.
Bitch! (LAUGHS)
I totally knew that you
were stealing my followers
and paying for subscribers.
Whatever.
I just have so many companies
wanting to do collabs with me.
I'm making so much money.
(LAUGHS) Good luck
making a comeback.
At least my
followers were real.
Aw, you're just a sore loser.
And by the way,
you look like you haven't
been doing your squats.
Your ass is looking flat.
Jesus, Barbi.
You get lost in the
woods for two days
and you just let everything go.
Ugh!
("DAYS OF HIGH ADVENTURE"
BY CINEMATIQUE)
Burn!
(BLASTING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
It burns!
Burn.
Yeah, burn.
Tss!
Too bad you didn't have
that burn to keep you warm
when you slept here for
the past two nights.
Throwing some bad shade, girl.
(LAUGHS) Here's more.
Are you wearing
your waist trainer?
Mm, no.
You should be.
You're looking a little soft.
Have you been
skipping ab day too?
- I was...
- Oh well.
Good luck.
I still can't believe you got
lost out here for two days.
There are like trails
everywhere. (LAUGHS)
You're such a basic, Barbi.
Laters! (LAUGHS)
Oh my god, guys, guess what?
I totally just ran into
this homeless girl.
Look at her, right there.
(JESSICA LAUGHS)
She tried to mug me!
Like what the eff?
Hash tag real life.
I'm not kidding, people.
Like this happened,
right here, right now.
(JESSICA SQUEALS AND LAUGHS)
What the heck?
I don't even have like a,
a knife on me or anything,
I don't.
(JESSICA GASPS)
Oh my god, she's
looking frantic.
I mean, look at her,
she's in a pink jacket.
Like, I don't even know
what she's doing out here.
- Bag of dicks!
- She tried to steal from me.
JESSICA: (laughs) Like, what?
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait.
Where's that trail?
It was right there.
She pointed to it
and everything.
Where did it go?
I'm gonna die
out here, I swear.
I'm totally gonna die out here.
How is this possible?
What?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Well, that's it,
I'm officially a has-been.
Dead to the world.
She's won.
I'm done, it's over.
Jessica has finally got what
she wanted and replaced me.
I might as well go
back to the cave
and party with Red Riding
Hood and hair tutorial girl.
I'll marry butter knife guy
and we'll have little
cave-dwelling monks together.
Maybe we'll get a reality show!
The Brennans!
Hey, is that Kenny?
He's still alive?
Does that mean I'm
not a black widow?
Oh hey, you again.
Are you okay?
It's dangerous.
You need to leave, now!
Obviously.
What the hell is going on?
Every time I see you
it's some new shit.
That looks disgusting.
What happened to your leg!
It's classified.
I could tell you, but
I'd have to kill you.
Which at this point
might not be a bad idea.
Ugh, doesn't matter,
I'm already dead.
(KENNY GROANS)
Fine.
I work for a government agency
that deals with
extraterrestrial allies.
Oh, you mean those three
little gray guys in the forest?
I thought I was
totally tripping balls.
You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?
I think so, maybe.
Does it hurt when you sit?
A little.
Yeah.
I think back on their planet
that means you're married.
Oh, ew!
No way!
Ugh!
Wait, hold on a second,
if they're friendly, why
are you fighting them?
No, I'm not fighting them.
Chuck, Bob, and
Steve are great guys.
A little touchy-feely,
but still great guys.
I'm fighting the other guys.
What other guys?
The eat your face
off acid for blood
world domination ones.
Look, there's a lot
of shit going on here,
but I don't have time to
tell you all that right now.
Uh, yeah.
(DEEP RUMBLING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(ALIEN BABBLING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't just leave him again!
He's saved my ass like
three times already!
This might be the
perfect opportunity
for me to actually
do something good!
It's not like I have
anything else to live for.
I have to change my goals
from taking the best selfies
to making the world
a better place!
From this day forth,
I'll never again take a box of
doughnuts to Weight Watchers!
I'll never watch another house
full of kittens burn down!
I will never again sell
Ziploc bags full of corn syrup
as breast implants to cancer
survivors on the Dark Web.
I will never again donate
my parents' used sex toys
to children's charity.
I will never again sell
orphans into slavery!
I will never again set the
homeless on fire just for lulz!
I will not sit by and
watch another old lady
get dragged off by coyotes.
Never again!
And I will never,
ever eat anything
that doesn't say gluten-free!
If only I had my eyes open.
Not always staring at my phone!
Paid more attention!
What am I missing?
("HEROIC AND POWERFUL
EPIC" BY VMVMUSIC)
(LASERS BLASTING)
There is so much
more to this world
than what I see on
that tiny screen.
I'm gonna make amends for
all the things I did wrong.
Somehow, I will take
responsibility for my actions.
I will make the
world a better place.
It's time for me
to finally grab that bag
of dicks by the balls.
And I start now!
(LASERS BLASTING)
(BEAR ROARING)
(SONIC WHIRRING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(KENNY CRIES OUT)
(GUN WHIRRING)
(BLASTING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(ALIEN BABBLING)
(EXPLOSION BOOMING)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(BLASTING)
BARBI: Are you okay?
My leg's pointed in
three different directions.
I wish that beam put me together
a little bit straighter.
(KENNY GROANS)
Ow!
Oh, easy kid.
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?
I'm from Texas.
My dad was a Marine,
and my granny has a
bigger gun than yours.
(KENNY LAUGHS AND GROANS)
This is gonna hurt.
Are you sure you
know what you're doing?
Um, nah.
(CRACKING)
(KENNY SCREAMS)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
Thanks.
Looks ratchet.
What the hell are you doing?
Taking off a waist trainer.
What the hell are
you gonna do with that?
Won't fit my waist.
(KENNY AND BARBI LAUGHING)
It's steel-boned.
Oh you've gotta be kidding me.
(KENNY GROANS)
I am not kidding you.
Pink is not my color.
It's gonna have
to work for now.
There was a girl in
a suit in the forest
stuck under a rock.
Do you know what
happened to her?
Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.
Um, rogue double agent,
Homeland Security,
stole something very valuable.
You haven't seen a briefcase
around here, have you?
You mean this?
Um, yeah, that's, uh,
that's definitely it.
Thanks.
Um, this looks pretty good.
Can you move?
Yeah, I can move.
I can't dance, but I can move.
You know, you're
pretty good at this.
You ever considered a
career in government work?
Could use someone
with your skills,
but you'd have to leave
your old life behind.
Well, I've been
offline for two days,
so everybody already
thinks I'm dead.
(LAUGHS) We can give you
a cool code name like, uh,
Ronan.
Oh, samurai with no master.
I like it.
Oh that's actually
just the name
of my favorite sushi
joint down in Soho,
but I like what you said too.
Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,
why aren't they helping
you fight the bad guys?
(LAUGHS) No, those guys
are lovers, not fighters,
but they make great tech.
Here, hold this.
Yeah, need immediate extraction.
You talk to your MP3 player?
(KENNY LAUGHS)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
You know, you're,
you're kinda cute.
Welcome to your new life.
Take us up.
(ZAPPING)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Always taking
Never making
Be careful what you choose
One day the users
bill will come too
Breaking Barbi
BARBI: Hey, hey,
there's my car!
(ALIENS BABBLING)
No no no, you guys can
just drop me off here.
(ZAPPING)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Thanks!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wow,
not bad for a long weekend.
Three husbands, and
Kenny's kinda cute.
I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve
are gonna be totally chill
with me seeing other people.
If it's outside
the solar system,
it probably doesn't
count, right?
So much for being a spinster.
I can't wait to go home
and take a nice shower.
Oh, wait.
I need my keys, duh.
Where did I put those?
Gotta be in here somewhere.
I left them right here.
I left them right here.
Oh no.
Where did I leave them last?
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?
JAKE: Yeah, sure.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
(KEY CHAIN SQUEAKS)
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
BARBI VOICEOVER:
OMG, that's right.
Bag of dick!
BARBI VOICEOVER: You're
right, after all that.
I had a spaceship,
and now I have to take the bus.
Worst
weekend
ever.
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Always taking
Never making
Be careful what you choose
One day the users
bill will come too
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Yo yo yo
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Yo yo yo
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Whoa!
As if I haven't had
enough, I lose my keys too.
What kind of freaking
world is this?
Haven't I had enough
of this world?
This is terrible.
What am I gonna do now?
Oh my god, grandma.
What are you doing here?
ANGELYNE: Get in the car.
Oh my god!
Thank you so much!
You have no idea what
I've just been through
for the last two days!
ANGELYNE: Well not
anymore, you're okay now.
BARBI: Yes, thank you!
Yay!
(SHINING MUSIC)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
(ZAPPING)
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(CRASHING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(BEAR ROARING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: In
case you were wondering
how I wound up in this
farcical situation,
let me catch you up.
("FASHION MODELS" BY ANTRACTO)
My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.
My parents named me after Barbra
Streisand and Dolly Parton,
their favorite singers.
I'm a cosplayer, model,
blogger, and fitness goddess.
What is that, you ask?
What are you, a hermit?
It means I spend my days
doing selfies, posing,
and doing endless videos
of my ass doing squats.
Endless squats.
Hundreds of squats.
Thousands of squats.
You can find me at
Breaking underscore Barbi.
Sounds easy but it's
actually really hard.
It means that anything I do
suddenly turns into a
photo shoot, a video opp,
or an opportunity for a collab.
This type of work comes
with a major downside,
meeting a nice guy.
You have to be choosy, you know.
I mean, like, what if
I'm seen with a guy
that doesn't even have at
least 10,000 followers?
That would be unthinkable.
I have my reputation.
And then I met Jake.
250,000 followers.
Plenty of water.
(BARBI MOANS)
Got the first aid kit in
case of any emergency.
- Got bandages.
- OMG, he is
- so fire.
- Ointment, wet wipes.
- Food rations.
- I wonder how many hash tags
I can fit into this post.
Sunscreen.
Lip ointment.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
BARBI VOICEOVER: He asked
me to go hiking with him
on our first date.
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
I just can't even.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
Compass.
Extra battery.
Security blanket.
- He's so into this!
- Rope and tackle.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Look at all those
cute things he brought.
And most importantly,
a radio and GPS tracker
so we can't get lost
and we can call for help
in case of an emergency.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
totes need a selfie.
Oh, like right now.
Selfie.
- My turn.
- Jessica will be
totally jelly when she
sees me with this guy.
All right, I think
that's everything.
You ready?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
You better believe it.
Yep.
You wanna do a last check?
We're gonna be up
there for a while.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
have everything I need
right here, baby.
Don't need this.
Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.
And a little something
for the hot tub.
I'm good.
All right, let's do this.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
JAKE VOICEOVER: Did I
tell her how cute she looks?
Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?
Yeah, sure.
(KEY CHAIN SQUEAKS)
(JAKE SIGHS)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
I'm glad you swiped right.
It's really hard to find
girls that like to free-climb.
BARBI VOICEOVER: What the
hell is he talking about?
Oh, my profile.
I thought free-climbing
was some sort of sex thing.
Well, when the app
asked for what level,
I obviously wrote expert.
Gosh.
Oh.
This is pretty
hardcore, even for me.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Wait, is he serious?
I thought we were gonna
take some cute selfies
and go back to his place.
We could've started
with something simpler,
but I mean, I'm sure at your
level this is a piece of cake.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Way to go, Barbs.
You're gonna get
yourself killed.
(BIRD SCREECHES)
Was that a pterodactyl?
OMG, I'm so gonna die.
I mean, anything can
happen out there.
I can be eaten by a
bear, fall of a cliff,
butt-raped by aliens, dragged
away by wolves, anything!
Let's go.
BARBI VOICEOVER: And
I just got these shoes.
Ugh, just look at that butt.
He definitely
doesn't skip leg day.
Totally worth it.
No sweat.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I
hope he eats pineapple.
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
JAKE VOICEOVER:
Aw, that's so sweet.
She's going slow
and waiting for me.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Aw, he's so sweet.
OMG, it is pineapple!
Mm!
JAKE VOICEOVER: I
can't wait to invite her
to my mansion in Hawaii.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
This isn't so bad,
but I could totally go
for a latte right now.
JAKE VOICEOVER: You
know, I'm gonna slow down
and let her get ahead of me,
so if she falls I can catch her.
Everything about her is perfect.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I hope
there's a Starbucks up there
or something.
JAKE VOICEOVER: I
can see myself spending
the rest of my life
with this girl.
(THUDDING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Phew,
almost at the top. (body thuds)
Sure hope we're not
going down that way.
Whew!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Jake?
There's no signal up here.
Jake?
Jake?
Jake?
What are you doing down there?
(JAKE LAUGHS)
Ugh, there's no signal up here!
Ugh.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Maybe
there's some signal,
mm, over here.
(BARBI HUMS)
- (ROCK RUMBLING)
- Whoa!
(SQUISHY CRASHING)
(JAKE SCREAMS)
Jake?
Are you okay?
(JAKE GROANS)
BARBI VOICEOVER: O!
O!
M!
M!
G!
G!
(VOICE ECHOING)
Did I just kill the
hottest guy ever?
I didn't know about the rock.
I mean, I didn't
put the rock there.
The rock, who put
the rock there?
Like, Mother Nature and stuff.
It's not my fault.
I didn't do it.
It's not me.
I would never do that.
(AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)
(LASER ZAPPING)
(EXPLOSION BOOMING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Now I'm totally lost.
No signal, no date,
no food, no water.
Didn't see this bag of dicks
coming straight at my face.
This is insane!
I can't believe I'm out here.
And the worst part is I can't
upload these amazing selfies.
Why don't they put cell
towers out here or something?
Ugh, ugh, like, no
signal anywhere.
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
I mean, if you're gonna
be banished up here,
you're gonna wind up
dead anyway soon, right?
Figures.
I bet all my friends are
worried sick about me.
It's not bad.
It could be worse, right?
I mean, like, I'm
getting back to nature.
I'm becoming like zen and stuff.
Ugh, my feet are killing me.
Wow, this is a great
location for squat videos.
I mean, look at this place.
I can totally make
so much content here.
(BARBI GROANS)
Oh, oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Oh god.
I hope there's like some,
some signal up here.
There's no way, oh, no way.
This is, this is
not happening to me.
No, this is not happening
to me right now.
Come on, signal,
come on, come on!
God, oh god, this can't be!
Oh, oh, I'm not, no!
Oh!
Body, you can't do
this to me right now!
Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!
How did the savages do it?
Oh!
I'm not gonna be
like a barbarian,
but I don't think
I have any choice.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Toilet paper, mm!
Leaves.
Okay, okay, maybe I
could use some of these.
Right here, okay.
Now, now I need to find a spot.
Oh!
I can't wait any longer!
Oh, I need a spot, oh!
What about right here?
Yes, this looks fine.
Okay, all right.
Pants down.
Okay.
(EXCREMENT SPLATTERING)
(BARBI GROANING)
Oh, that's so good.
Woo!
Yes.
Woo!
My pants feel looser now!
Oh, I feel so cleansed.
I guess it's not such
a bad day after all.
Feel so fresh.
(BARBI HUMS)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
I once saw some TV show about
this guy in the woods and junk
and he would just find stuff
that would help him survive.
I wish I paid attention to it,
but he was like so hot
and I really didn't
understand a word he said.
Hm, I wonder if I could
find him out here.
Maybe I could get a ride.
He's always got like a
helicopter or something.
Ew, is that a spider?
I hate spiders!
Ugh, this place so
needs a cleaning!
Where are the park maids?
Ew!
I hate this place!
I hate nature!
I wonder if this
place has bears in it.
I mean, it looks
like a bear place,
and if I was a bear, I'd
totally hang out here.
Hey, is this where the
WeHo Bear Club hangs out?
What the!
You're gonna burn in
hell for what you did!
(GRUNTING)
(THUDDING)
Three years cardio kickboxing!
Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.
I, uh, was looking
for someone else.
Gonna need this for later.
You gonna kill some peanut
butter sandwiches with that?
I lost my weapon.
I woke up and it was gone, okay?
I'm looking for someone.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,
whoa whoa whoa, I totally
found him like that.
He was at the bottom of the hill
and the blood and the rock
was already on top of him
and I was totally gonna go
down there and help him out,
but you know, I'm wearing
high-heel sneakers
- and I can't go down there...
- Found who?
Nobody.
Are you the police?
(LAUGHS) Police.
No.
I'm Homeland Security.
(EAGLE SCREECHES)
Oh.
Whew.
What happened to your head?
It's nothing.
I'm looking for someone.
Have you seen this woman?
That is the worst
selfie I have ever seen.
You need to learn better angles.
You can make yourself look
about 10 pounds lighter.
And you need a
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
filter too because I
could totally see pores.
So you haven't seen her?
OMG!
You get cellphone
service out here?
Who is your carrier?
(MAN SIGHS)
Nassau.
Are they good?
Stellar.
Interstellar.
Because I can't get
a single bar out here.
Are their roaming rates okay?
Astronomical, but
we're subsidized.
Wow.
Excuse me.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hm?
- Sir.
(GRUNTING ON PHONE)
My sit rep is as follows.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Agent Vicky is still MIA.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
The package is recovered.
MAN ON PHONE: Mm-hm.
I'm wounded but able.
The situation...
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Is FUBAR.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
No, no no no no no no.
No, Bogley shot
down the transport.
Requesting recovery team.
They are everywhere!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Send in Agent Radcliff.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Roger that, sir.
So I'm not in trouble?
Are you an illegal alien?
Six eyes, tentacles?
I'm from Texas.
Close enough.
I can't believe you
get signal out here.
I've been looking for
signal for like an hour.
(MAN CHOKING)
God, I wish I had some
water or something.
You sound like you're
totally choking.
(MAN COUGHING AND CHOKING)
Oh, do you think if I get
higher up the mountain,
like I could get a signal there?
(MAN COUGHING AND CHOKING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
You know what?
Can I borrow your
cellphone to...
Hello?
So you haven't seen her?
No!
Creepy much?
Just like I need a,
I need a new phone or something.
This one's terrible.
Hey, do you know how to
get
out of here?
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
BARBI VOICEOVER: I have
like 3.4 million followers.
I have millions of likes,
collaborations, sponsorships.
I spend all my
time showing people
what a perfect and
sexy life I have.
And I have no real friends.
I don't have any real friends.
I don't spend time with anyone.
All my friends are
social media friends.
There is literally
no one out there
that gives a damn about me.
If I don't upload
for a few days,
everyone will
forget I even exist,
and there is a new face already
poised to take my place.
Uh-huh.
I hate Jessica!
Her makeup is
always so on point!
Well, sure she looks
like ass in real life
without all her filters.
Totally met her at a meetup,
and I laughed so
hard when I saw her.
What a dumb hoe.
She shouldn't show
her face in public
when she uses all those tricks
to make her skin all flawless
and all those camera angles to
make herself look all skinny.
She is a walking lie,
and I can't even post
that pic of me and Jake.
R.I.P.
He was so lit.
I am so hungry.
If I don't eat
something like soon,
I'll start losing
all my booty gains.
Bag of dicks.
Oh, mushrooms.
Non-GMO, gluten-free, and
totally organic, right?
I mean, you can't
get much fresher
than straight out of
the forest, right?
Smells like shiitake.
I, I wish I could look it up.
Dammit!
Well, what if I just try one?
I can always make
myself throw up, right?
I'm like great at vomit.
I practiced in high school.
No way Suzie Baker was
gonna be thinner than me.
That bitch.
Hm, tastes pretty good.
I'm like so paleo right now.
Just like that raw vegan
place I tried last month.
Ugh, I'm like a total
savage barbarian right now.
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(RAPID WHOOSHING)
(SQUISHING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Oh!
A unicorn.
Take me to that rainbow.
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(LASER BLASTING)
Whoa!
Pretty colors!
(CROWD CHEERING)
- (LASER BLASTING)
- Get out of the way!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
You're gonna get
yourself killed!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
Do you know how to get
to grandma's house?
I don't know where
your grandma is.
(LASER GUN BLASTS)
What's wrong with you?
Did you eat something out here?
Are you hungry?
I have muffins and cookies.
Uh,
I only
eat gluten-free cookies.
Give those to your grandma.
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
Um...
Hey Mister Wolf, did
you see what I just saw?
Was that Little Red Riding Hood?
MISTER WOLF: It
sure was, Barbi.
I think that was
Little Red Riding Hood.
What do you think?
MISTER WOLF: You're far
more delicious though. (laughs)
(BARBI LAUGHS)
(LASER GUNS FIRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Have you seen Agent Mahoney?
Tall, bald, glasses.
The better to see me with!
(LASER GUNS BLASTING)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
They must have no vision
in the pink spectrum!
("STRIPTEASE" BY MUZIK)
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
(LOW BUZZING)
They can't see pink.
(SONIC WHIRRING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Sir, I have discovered a
fault in their technology.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
It can change the course
of our whole battle.
(BABBLING ON PHONE)
Alert Agent Radcliff that
the aliens cannot see pink.
(LASER BLASTING)
Oh, pretty!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
("UPLIFTING TRANCE"
BY SUNRISEREC)
(EERIE MUSIC)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Okay,
I'm starting to suspect
that those were not
gluten-free mushrooms,
because I haven't
tripped balls like this
since that weekend freshman
year in the Hamptons
when Jessica stole my
first serious boyfriend.
What was his name again?
I mean, we were like totally
destined to be together.
He was so rough and tough,
just like a hot barbarian.
I would've given him
so many followers,
but he chose Jessica and
all he got was herpes.
OMG, is that him,
what's-his-nuts?
He looks so much
better in a loincloth.
("DAYS OF HIGH ADVENTURE"
BY CINEMATIQUE)
Antibiotics do wonders.
Check out this cute outfit.
I have a sword, armored boobs!
Looking good, Barbi.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Hm.
This looks sharp.
This hallucination
is like so lit.
That's right.
Sploosh.
You're gonna need a lot more
water to put out this fire.
Mm-hm.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Man, my abs look amazing.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Why
did we break up again?
I totally can't remember.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
I bet she wants me.
BARBI VOICEOVER: If
this gets any hotter,
I'm gonna need a boat.
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Check it, uh-huh.
Call that a sword?
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'll
call it anything you want.
Wait, what just happened?
BARBARIAN
VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait, what?
(HORSE NEIGHS)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Hail to the king.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Well
this escalated quickly.
Oh, he's serious.
Maybe he means
somebody back there.
Nope, just me.
Well, I didn't get
all fantasy dressed up
for nothing, I guess.
And I have this sword,
so my brain must've known
something like this would happen.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
Gonna make her work for it.
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
This chick's gonna ruin my pump!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Your
pump looks just fine to me.
I could totally take him.
(SQUEAKS)
I know what he likes.
(BARBI GIGGLES)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER:
She slapped my ass.
I kinda like it.
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh,
we're still doing this.
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
(SWORDS CLINKING)
When did foreplay
become so hard?
(BARBARIAN GROWLS)
(BARBI GROWLS)
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
knew I shouldn't have taken
my pre-workout pill early.
(SWORDS CLINKING AND WHOOSHING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'm so glad
I've been doing yoga classes.
They really keep
me nice and loose.
I can totally hold my own.
I always could.
Not to mention I look
amazing with this hand.
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
wonder if she saw that lion
that I killed last week.
Oh, yeah.
(SWORDS CLINKING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: What I
love about this fantasy is that
Jessica would never look
as good as I do in this.
I mean, have you
seen this hotness?
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: Man,
that's a nice loincloth.
I wonder if she's
wearing underwear.
Wait, am I?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
This barbarian fantasy
is so much better
than the light show.
(SWORDS CLINKING)
Ha, gotcha!
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: But
that was my favorite sword.
Aw.
I'm sad.
(BARBARIAN MUTTERING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh come on!
You're finished already?
But I'm not done yet!
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: I
don't wanna fight you anyway.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
I can get your sword.
- It's like right there.
- Stupid girl.
BARBI VOICEOVER: I'll give
you a hand and everything.
I'll go get it for you.
(BARBARIAN MUTTERING)
Wait, come back!
Ugh, it's like high
school prom all over again
except I'm not fat anymore.
Ugh, things get rough and he
goes crying to his mother.
And now it's just me
left behind with a rabbit
and no batteries.
Ugh, now I remember the problem.
He's too into himself,
all pump and no go.
Jessica can totally
keep him, blech.
All those muscles spending
hours at the gym, for what?
And then he dumps me.
Me!
I mean, have you seen
how hot I look now?
Most people would
hallucinate being a superhero
or a ballerina.
Me, oh no.
What is my subconscious
trying to tell me?
Worst
fantasy
ever.
("SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
BOX" BY ALEXVOMBAT)
("SCARY LULLABY"
BY CREATIVETUNES)
Pretty.
(BALLOON POPPING)
(BARBI SQUEALS AND GIGGLES)
(EERIE MAN LAUGHING)
Why'd you pop my balloons?
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Oh my god, oh my god!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
This cannot be my life!
A monster, really?
Slow down, bitch!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
I'm tired!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
("NEW INDIE ROCK
ACTION" BY SUSLIKK1980)
(CLOWN MUTTERS)
It's all right.
- You good?
- Mm-hm.
We're good.
We're good.
Okay.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Oh my god, he's
swinging an ax at me!
(BARBI SQUEALS)
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
You're such a dead little bitch!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(CLOWN LAUGHING)
You're such a dead little bitch!
(AX WHOOSHING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(CLOWN LAUGHS)
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?
(BARBI SCREAMS)
No!
Leave me alone!
Where am I gonna get
another balloon out here?
Party supply
stores for clowns!
(CLOWN LAUGHING)
(LIQUID TRICKLING)
That was crazy.
ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Say a command.
Call home.
- WOMAN ON PHONE: Hi, honey.
- Honey, yeah.
Hey so, I just pulled
over to take a quick leak.
Unbelievable.
You wouldn't believe.
There was a chick,
a blonde chick,
tripping balls
out in the forest,
like losing her freaking mind.
- Drugs?
- Yeah yeah, I know, right?
Kids today.
I mean, ugh, kids.
Oh no, why is he chasing me!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(BONKING)
(LOW HUMMING)
(ALIENS BABBLING)
(ALIENS CLICKING)
Shh!
(ALIENS BABBLING)
Ow.
What?
(CREATURE SQUEAKING)
Oh my god!
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(BARBI GASPS)
Yes!
(BARBI LAUGHS)
Oh, yes!
Oh!
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(PHONE WHIRRING)
No no no no no no no!
No!
No!
No, don't die!
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Fresh and clean.
Nothing like a morning shower
in natural springwater.
Is this what my parents
were talking about
when they lived in that hippie
commune back in the '80s?
I think they wore like
jogging suits or something.
Hm, something feels weird.
Were there way too many
minerals in the water?
Maybe I need some
lotion or something.
My neck is feeling kinda itchy.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
Focus, Barbi.
It's just all in your head.
Maybe I didn't sleep off
all the effects from
those mushrooms.
No, I'm definitely feeling
something back there.
Where's my mirror?
Let's see.
Are those my pores?
Ugh!
I totally need some
new foundation.
Maybe a waterproof
one or something.
Better, I mean, not bad
for the savage wild.
I wonder where I am.
I've been walking
nonstop for hours.
I wish I was
tracking my calories.
My calorie burn must
be off the charts.
Ugh, what is this
freaking itching!
Did I touch some poison
ivy or something?
I have a photo shoot next week,
and if I'm still alive,
I can't have a rash I
can't cover up with makeup.
Wait, what the hell is this?
Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Spider.
("STREET RACING"
BY SOUND FORCES)
(HEAVY THUDDING)
Oh, you're awake.
Yeah.
What happened?
You slipped and fell.
Lucky I was there to catch you.
Wow.
I could've died.
Yeah, I know.
Pretty amazing, right? (LAUGHS)
Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.
Barbi Radcliff.
I mean, Brennan.
(BARBI AND KENNY LAUGHING)
Oh, sorry, I went
through your bag.
You were out of water
so I gave you a refill
and some food rations.
BARBI VOICEOVER: And a ring.
You mean a ring.
OMG, OMG, OMG, it's
really happening!
I'm gonna be the next
Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!
I'm not gonna die alone
in my house with 10 cats
who will eat my eyes after
I'm dead like my mom said!
It's so beautiful!
I'm gonna get this
appraised right away.
What is this, like 100 carats?
I'm so worth it.
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
My precious!
Take that, Jessica!
Thank you very much.
You should probably
stick to the trails.
Trails?
What trails?
I'm totally lost.
In more ways than one.
- Huh?
- Oh, nothing.
Are you out here alone?
Sort of.
Well if you hike that way
for about a mile and a half,
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
you'll come across the road.
Sooner or later the ranger
will come by and pick you up,
get you home.
Are you coming?
No.
I've got unfinished business.
(EAGLE SCREECHES)
Oh, so you go that way?
Hello?
BARBI VOICEOVER: I really
need to start paying attention
when people talk to me.
It's just so rare that I
actually talk to someone
face to face, you know?
It's so much easier
to text them.
Hm, maybe my people skills
are somehow lacking.
Like, if I listened
to Kenny's directions,
maybe I'd already
be home by now.
Wait, is that someone there?
Maybe they know where I am.
She looks familiar.
Where have I seen her before?
Does she do hair tutorials?
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
Help me!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Maybe she
knows where to get signals
so I can find Kenny
and swipe right.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Do you know how to
get out of here?
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
Oh my god, what is that smell?
Oh, thank god!
Help me!
My arm is crushed!
Hey, are you okay?
Help me, I'm stuck!
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
What happened?
(WOMAN GROANS)
WOMAN: My arm's
crushed, I can't move it!
Oh that looks bad.
Your dry-cleaner is never
gonna get that out, honey.
I know, right? (LAUGHS)
Now can you help me?
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
What is that stench?
The effervescent scent
of the great outdoors.
Hey, were you gonna
cut your arm off?
Yeah, duh.
I can't take it anymore!
I know, right?
I would totally kill myself
if I had to smell this.
What happened?
I was in a plane crash.
Didn't you see?
What plane crash?
Oh never mind.
A little help here?
Oh, sorry.
(FLATULENCE SPUTTERING)
What's that?
Uh, nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Get me outta here!
Uh, hold on.
Wait, wait.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
Is that a dead body?
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
WOMAN: You gotta
be kidding me.
(WOMAN GROANS)
(FLATULENCE RUMBLING)
Ew!
It is a dead body!
Oh, and it looks like someone
beat the crap out of it.
What happened to him?
The same thing
that'll happen to you
if you don't get me out of here.
You're totally freaking
me out right now.
Haven't you ever seen
a dead body before?
Recently?
Uh-huh.
Who is this?
I'm gonna die here.
(FLATULENCE SPUTTERING)
The dead body.
My boss.
Might've had a
slight disagreement
over a small financial sum.
RALPH: Hey, you can't take
that, those are state secrets!
(WOMAN GRUNTS)
(FISTS THUDDING)
("GAME TIME" BY KLOUDIZATION)
No, you can't stop me!
Cut you.
Give me it back.
I'm gonna cut you!
Give me it back!
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
(ROCK RUMBLING)
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
There was a rock slide,
but that came after,
and now I'm here!
Oh.
Okay. Well do you know
how to get out of here?
Can you please
help me already?
All right already, gosh!
It's all about you, isn't it?
(WOMAN GROANS)
Oh, there's no way
I'm gonna move this.
And honey, I'm not
cutting your arm off.
That would be way too messy,
and have you seen this
outfit that I'm wearing?
Just get that stick over there
and use it like a lever
to move the rocks.
Oh!
Will this do?
That's too heavy.
Can you please hurry it up!
All right, all
right already, gosh!
(WOMAN CRIES OUT)
(BARBI SIGHS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
That's good.
What the?
Where'd she go?
(FLATULENCE SQUEAKING)
(ELECTRONIC WHOOSHING)
(BARBI SQUEALS)
Why does this keep
happening to me?
(BARBI WHIMPERS)
Oh god.
Why is this always so...
(BARBI YELPS)
What was that about?
(BARBI SQUEALS)
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Okay, that was weird.
Hair tutorial girl just
vanished into the forest
and now I'm left with
a dead farting body.
It looks so familiar.
Meh, probably just
my imagination.
What I need to do is
center, regroup my thoughts.
I might be seeing things again.
Man, those mushrooms have
some gnarly acid flashbacks.
Okay, I need to calm my mind.
I need a zen moment.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
Okay, that was in
my head, right?
Okay.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
So much for tranquility.
And here I was thinking
I could reach nirvana,
like that one time in that
hot yoga class I tried.
(ANIMAL ROARS)
(BARBI WHIMPERS)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(ANIMAL ROARS)
And now we're all caught up.
I'm getting pretty good
at this survival thing.
I just wish I had some
pre-workout with me.
Ugh, I miss my
Wow Force protein.
But look at me!
I'm getting better at
this free-climbing thing.
I'm even starting to enjoy it.
I just wish I brought something
other than high heel
sneakers with me,
but then this outfit
would not look this cute.
I have this funny feeling
that I might've taken the
long way up this mountain.
But maybe there's
a signal up there!
There has got to be
some signal somewhere
in this nature's bag of dicks.
This fast at cardio is the bomb!
Damn, that was
the ultimate burn!
Leg day, smashed!
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
Oh my god, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe,
I can't breathe!
(METALLIC CLATTERING)
(BARBI GRUNTS)
Whew.
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Ugh, much better.
I think I've set some of record
for wearing a waist trainer.
I need a break.
That mountain was a little
rough for my complexion.
I'm either gonna be glowing or
I'm gonna need some
industrial strength facials
when I get out of here.
I mean,
I don't think there's any
dirt left on the ground.
It's like all in my pores!
Luckily I'm prepared for this.
My Super Mega Pore Suck mud
mask should do the trick.
Just need a place to sit down
and do a little spa treatment.
You know, it's all about
personal care and hygiene.
Good thing I'm all
alone out here.
I mean, if someone sees me
like this, I would just...
Die, you faceless
form of a space alien!
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa
whoa whoa, it's me!
Shit.
Didn't recognize you.
Almost blew your face off.
I'm doing a little
spa treatment.
Yeah. Maybe I should
blow your face off.
Your pores were looking
horrible back there.
I know, right?
It's all about personal
care and hygiene.
What the hell are you
still doing here anyway?
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
I told you how to
get out of here.
I followed all your
directions to the letter
and here I am.
We need to get
out of here, now.
What are you thinking,
cocktails, dancing?
No, we need ex-fill ASAP.
Are they a band, they new?
Never heard of them.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
Oh Jesus.
(SONIC WHIRRING)
That's not exactly a
hunting rifle you got there.
No, it's not.
You mean you're not
hiking or hunting?
Oh, I'm hunting.
I just hope I get it
before it gets me.
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
(FIST THUDDING)
(ALIEN ROARING)
BARBI VOICEOVER: What
the hell, what the hell,
what the hell, what the hell!
I gotta get outta here!
I hate the outdoors!
(ALIEN ROARING)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
OMG, what should I do?
What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do!
He's like an outdoorsy guy.
Wait, should I help him?
Nah, he's fine, he's
fine, he's fine.
I think I'm just
gonna get in the way.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I'll just text him later.
He got this.
What was that?
That had to be some
mutant bear lion octopus.
Six eyes, tentacles.
The water must be
totally contaminated
out here or something.
My mother was right,
I am gonna die a
lonely spinster!
Well at least my
pores are glowing now.
Not that it matters.
("AFFECTIVE PIANO" BY EDRECORDS)
Oh look, a cave!
What possible dangers
can lurk inside here?
Ugh, it doesn't matter
anymore anyway, does it?
I'm alone, again!
Just like my whole life!
I miss my phone!
Just holding it
makes me feel better!
I'm severed from the collective!
I'm never gonna find my
way out of here, am I?
There will be stories
of the lonely crazy lady
who lives up in the
cave in the mountains.
It'll be used to scare
children at night.
I'll just stop
shaving, plucking,
and just let everything go.
I'll eat pasta,
doughnuts, pizza,
stop doing squats and let
my abs get all flabby.
I mean, who do I need
to look good for?
My whole love life
has just been a mess.
All I wanted was
to find a nice guy,
someone who will love me.
But who is the real me?
I'm not exactly a good person.
I mean, I just left
that guy to die.
He was out there screaming,
and I just kinda ran away,
not to mention poor Jake.
I have like the worst luck ever.
Now that I've seen
more of the world,
I guess it's not so important
to have a million followers.
Kenny's probably some
special forces black ops guy
who doesn't even have a
real identity, like my dad.
He's not even online
and he's still hot.
Hot guys without social media?
Is that even possible?
Poor Kenny and Jake.
OMG, does this make
me like a black widow?
R.I.P.
They were so lit.
(BARBI GASPS)
("ENERGETIC TROPICAL
POP" BY KAKADUCREATION)
Huh?
Ah, it was a dream.
Ugh.
Oh, thank goodness.
(BARBI SIGHS)
(BARBI HUMS)
Oh, hello room, I've missed you.
(BARBI PURRS)
Still got it.
Mm!
(BARBI GASPS)
("DIRTY PITCH" BY SHADOWKEY)
(MAN CHANTING)
Hello?
Hello, daughter
of the universe.
My mom's name is Diane.
We are all children
of the universe.
No need to worry.
Nothing happens randomly.
There is a divine
path to everything.
We are all but stardust.
Uh-huh.
The paths you have chosen
and the decisions you've
made led you here.
Uh-huh.
And what have
you learned so far
from your journey, my child?
Not to wear high-heeled
sneakers while hiking.
Well, that's a start.
But what have you
learned with your heart?
Not to lie on
my dating profile.
Closer.
Think beyond here.
I don't know.
I've seen some ratchet
shit out there.
You have questions.
Yeah, how do I
get out of here?
Excellent question.
The body is just a mortal coil
that we're all trapped in.
But if you free your mind,
it will flow with the
energy of the universe.
I can teach you
ancient techniques.
No, no, I mean how
do I get out of here?
Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?
No.
Ask yourself deeper questions.
Oh, you mean like
meaningful questions.
Yes, exactly.
Ask, my child.
("INDIAN MEDITATION"
BY HONEY LEMON)
How is Jessica getting
all her followers?
She's buying her
likes, isn't she?
Oh my god.
Is she real?
Let me tell you a secret.
The ultimate answer
you're looking for,
it will end your search
and will take you to a new
level of consciousness.
Space time will come
together, and your
- questions will be answered.
- Huh?
For example, when the
ancient gods came down
in their flying chariots
and seeded mankind
with their DNA,
the aliens never left.
They're still here.
Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob,
and Steve tried to help,
but accidentally
caused the disco era
and the porn industry.
Then there are
the lizard people.
Total assholes!
Homeland Security was founded
to keep them in check.
They created the internet
to distract the people from
what's really going on.
And that is the secret wisdom
that only a few chosen
have ever been given.
The knowledge will alter the
very fabric of the universe
and free your mind
of enslavement.
Yeah, I'm gonna go now.
What a weirdo.
What, really?
Looks like I picked the wrong
day to stop sniffing glue.
(SHARP INHALING)
(ZEN MASTER GROANS)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Oh my
god, what is wrong with me?
Why am I such a perv?
That guy had super
important junk to say.
Do I need help?
("SUMMER PARTY" BY MRREVANT)
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
JESSICA AND BARBI: O.M.G.
- Barbi?
- Jessica?
JESSICA AND BARBI:
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you
hiked these trails.
Are you totally copying me?
Wait a minute, what trails?
The trail that's
like 10 feet that way.
What?
I come here every day.
How do you think I get
those inspirational selfies?
You get those here?
Yeah.
Bag of dicks.
Wow.
You're wearing that?
Brave choice.
So, where have you been?
You haven't like uploaded
in like two days.
People think you're dead.
Yeah.
There's like Where's Barbi
memes all over the web.
Really?
I was here.
Here?
Like here?
For two days?
Yeah, I was totally lost.
No way!
Shut up, shut up!
(JESSICA GASPS)
You were here,
lost for two days?
What about the internets?
Well, I had no signal,
and then naturally,
my cellphone died.
You poor thing.
(LAUGHS) But thanks.
Now that you're gone,
everyone has dropped your feed,
and I'm the number
one new selfie queen.
You snooze you lose.
Bitch! (LAUGHS)
I totally knew that you
were stealing my followers
and paying for subscribers.
Whatever.
I just have so many companies
wanting to do collabs with me.
I'm making so much money.
(LAUGHS) Good luck
making a comeback.
At least my
followers were real.
Aw, you're just a sore loser.
And by the way,
you look like you haven't
been doing your squats.
Your ass is looking flat.
Jesus, Barbi.
You get lost in the
woods for two days
and you just let everything go.
Ugh!
("DAYS OF HIGH ADVENTURE"
BY CINEMATIQUE)
Burn!
(BLASTING)
(BARBI SCREAMS)
It burns!
Burn.
Yeah, burn.
Tss!
Too bad you didn't have
that burn to keep you warm
when you slept here for
the past two nights.
Throwing some bad shade, girl.
(LAUGHS) Here's more.
Are you wearing
your waist trainer?
Mm, no.
You should be.
You're looking a little soft.
Have you been
skipping ab day too?
- I was...
- Oh well.
Good luck.
I still can't believe you got
lost out here for two days.
There are like trails
everywhere. (LAUGHS)
You're such a basic, Barbi.
Laters! (LAUGHS)
Oh my god, guys, guess what?
I totally just ran into
this homeless girl.
Look at her, right there.
(JESSICA LAUGHS)
She tried to mug me!
Like what the eff?
Hash tag real life.
I'm not kidding, people.
Like this happened,
right here, right now.
(JESSICA SQUEALS AND LAUGHS)
What the heck?
I don't even have like a,
a knife on me or anything,
I don't.
(JESSICA GASPS)
Oh my god, she's
looking frantic.
I mean, look at her,
she's in a pink jacket.
Like, I don't even know
what she's doing out here.
- Bag of dicks!
- She tried to steal from me.
JESSICA: (laughs) Like, what?
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait.
Where's that trail?
It was right there.
She pointed to it
and everything.
Where did it go?
I'm gonna die
out here, I swear.
I'm totally gonna die out here.
How is this possible?
What?
BARBI VOICEOVER:
Well, that's it,
I'm officially a has-been.
Dead to the world.
She's won.
I'm done, it's over.
Jessica has finally got what
she wanted and replaced me.
I might as well go
back to the cave
and party with Red Riding
Hood and hair tutorial girl.
I'll marry butter knife guy
and we'll have little
cave-dwelling monks together.
Maybe we'll get a reality show!
The Brennans!
Hey, is that Kenny?
He's still alive?
Does that mean I'm
not a black widow?
Oh hey, you again.
Are you okay?
It's dangerous.
You need to leave, now!
Obviously.
What the hell is going on?
Every time I see you
it's some new shit.
That looks disgusting.
What happened to your leg!
It's classified.
I could tell you, but
I'd have to kill you.
Which at this point
might not be a bad idea.
Ugh, doesn't matter,
I'm already dead.
(KENNY GROANS)
Fine.
I work for a government agency
that deals with
extraterrestrial allies.
Oh, you mean those three
little gray guys in the forest?
I thought I was
totally tripping balls.
You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?
I think so, maybe.
Does it hurt when you sit?
A little.
Yeah.
I think back on their planet
that means you're married.
Oh, ew!
No way!
Ugh!
Wait, hold on a second,
if they're friendly, why
are you fighting them?
No, I'm not fighting them.
Chuck, Bob, and
Steve are great guys.
A little touchy-feely,
but still great guys.
I'm fighting the other guys.
What other guys?
The eat your face
off acid for blood
world domination ones.
Look, there's a lot
of shit going on here,
but I don't have time to
tell you all that right now.
Uh, yeah.
(DEEP RUMBLING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(ALIEN BABBLING)
("HEROIC BLOCKBUSTER"
BY WOLFSOUND)
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't just leave him again!
He's saved my ass like
three times already!
This might be the
perfect opportunity
for me to actually
do something good!
It's not like I have
anything else to live for.
I have to change my goals
from taking the best selfies
to making the world
a better place!
From this day forth,
I'll never again take a box of
doughnuts to Weight Watchers!
I'll never watch another house
full of kittens burn down!
I will never again sell
Ziploc bags full of corn syrup
as breast implants to cancer
survivors on the Dark Web.
I will never again donate
my parents' used sex toys
to children's charity.
I will never again sell
orphans into slavery!
I will never again set the
homeless on fire just for lulz!
I will not sit by and
watch another old lady
get dragged off by coyotes.
Never again!
And I will never,
ever eat anything
that doesn't say gluten-free!
If only I had my eyes open.
Not always staring at my phone!
Paid more attention!
What am I missing?
("HEROIC AND POWERFUL
EPIC" BY VMVMUSIC)
(LASERS BLASTING)
There is so much
more to this world
than what I see on
that tiny screen.
I'm gonna make amends for
all the things I did wrong.
Somehow, I will take
responsibility for my actions.
I will make the
world a better place.
It's time for me
to finally grab that bag
of dicks by the balls.
And I start now!
(LASERS BLASTING)
(BEAR ROARING)
(SONIC WHIRRING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(KENNY CRIES OUT)
(GUN WHIRRING)
(BLASTING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
(ALIEN BABBLING)
(EXPLOSION BOOMING)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING
AND WHIRRING)
(BLASTING)
BARBI: Are you okay?
My leg's pointed in
three different directions.
I wish that beam put me together
a little bit straighter.
(KENNY GROANS)
Ow!
Oh, easy kid.
Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?
I'm from Texas.
My dad was a Marine,
and my granny has a
bigger gun than yours.
(KENNY LAUGHS AND GROANS)
This is gonna hurt.
Are you sure you
know what you're doing?
Um, nah.
(CRACKING)
(KENNY SCREAMS)
(KENNY GRUNTS)
Thanks.
Looks ratchet.
What the hell are you doing?
Taking off a waist trainer.
What the hell are
you gonna do with that?
Won't fit my waist.
(KENNY AND BARBI LAUGHING)
It's steel-boned.
Oh you've gotta be kidding me.
(KENNY GROANS)
I am not kidding you.
Pink is not my color.
It's gonna have
to work for now.
There was a girl in
a suit in the forest
stuck under a rock.
Do you know what
happened to her?
Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.
Um, rogue double agent,
Homeland Security,
stole something very valuable.
You haven't seen a briefcase
around here, have you?
You mean this?
Um, yeah, that's, uh,
that's definitely it.
Thanks.
Um, this looks pretty good.
Can you move?
Yeah, I can move.
I can't dance, but I can move.
You know, you're
pretty good at this.
You ever considered a
career in government work?
Could use someone
with your skills,
but you'd have to leave
your old life behind.
Well, I've been
offline for two days,
so everybody already
thinks I'm dead.
(LAUGHS) We can give you
a cool code name like, uh,
Ronan.
Oh, samurai with no master.
I like it.
Oh that's actually
just the name
of my favorite sushi
joint down in Soho,
but I like what you said too.
Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,
why aren't they helping
you fight the bad guys?
(LAUGHS) No, those guys
are lovers, not fighters,
but they make great tech.
Here, hold this.
Yeah, need immediate extraction.
You talk to your MP3 player?
(KENNY LAUGHS)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
You know, you're,
you're kinda cute.
Welcome to your new life.
Take us up.
(ZAPPING)
(SONIC WHOOSHING)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Always taking
Never making
Be careful what you choose
One day the users
bill will come too
Breaking Barbi
BARBI: Hey, hey,
there's my car!
(ALIENS BABBLING)
No no no, you guys can
just drop me off here.
(ZAPPING)
(PTERODACTYL SCREECHES)
Thanks!
BARBI VOICEOVER: Wow,
not bad for a long weekend.
Three husbands, and
Kenny's kinda cute.
I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve
are gonna be totally chill
with me seeing other people.
If it's outside
the solar system,
it probably doesn't
count, right?
So much for being a spinster.
I can't wait to go home
and take a nice shower.
Oh, wait.
I need my keys, duh.
Where did I put those?
Gotta be in here somewhere.
I left them right here.
I left them right here.
Oh no.
Where did I leave them last?
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
Hey, can I, can I
put my keys on you?
JAKE: Yeah, sure.
("UPBEAT SUMMER
POP" BY BORKSFORD)
(KEY CHAIN SQUEAKS)
(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
BARBI VOICEOVER:
OMG, that's right.
Bag of dick!
BARBI VOICEOVER: You're
right, after all that.
I had a spaceship,
and now I have to take the bus.
Worst
weekend
ever.
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Always taking
Never making
Be careful what you choose
One day the users
bill will come too
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Yo yo yo
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Yo yo yo
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Breaking Barbi
Whoa!
As if I haven't had
enough, I lose my keys too.
What kind of freaking
world is this?
Haven't I had enough
of this world?
This is terrible.
What am I gonna do now?
Oh my god, grandma.
What are you doing here?
ANGELYNE: Get in the car.
Oh my god!
Thank you so much!
You have no idea what
I've just been through
for the last two days!
ANGELYNE: Well not
anymore, you're okay now.
BARBI: Yes, thank you!
Yay!