Breakup at a Wedding (2013) Movie Script
Here we come.
Here she is.
Prettiest bride in the world.
Uh-huh.
Isn't she pretty?
I just... I can't.
I'm sorry. Guys, I need
to go back upstairs.
If you truly love someone,
elope.
Trust me, I've been shooting
these shit shows for over 10 years.
Weddings are supposed to be
about true love and commitment.
But come on.
That's garbage.
In my experience, everyone's more
concerned about how they look,
or the roast beef
at the carving station,
or the custom napkin rings
than true love.
But I'm an artist.
This is what I do.
Nana hates you?
I catch the one time she smiles.
Recent divorce melting down
at the wedding?
I drop some Sarah McLachlan
on that shit, make it a moment.
I'm at your rehearsal dinner.
I'm grabbing your home movies.
I'm buying footage
off of guests.
I'll give you five bucks for it.
Weddings make people go insane,
but I always edit out the crazy.
That is, until...
I met these two.
Your job is to get everything.
That's it.
You got no other job.
This is the hotel here.
I want you to do a master,
kind of like a pan master wide,
and then I want you to just
tilt down on the thing, okay?
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Up until that day,
I had operated...
with a strict code of ethics...
a big part of my success.
There are rules
to this game.
You don't eat with them.
You don't drink with them.
- You don't flirt with them.
- You don't... them.
A.B.R., baby...
Always be rolling.
My assistants
are highly skilled technicians.
This one really upped his game
since graduating high school.
Now what you're about to see is a
different kind of wedding video...
raw, unfettered.
It is quite simply
my masterwork.
You want the other wedding,
man. It's right that way.
- Inhale.
- Breathe.
I can't get up.
But before we go there,
let me introduce you
to the bride and groom.
Right over there.
You see, that's my guy.
That guy's filming us?
That guy's filming us, yeah.
Alison and Phil
seemed normal at first.
Alison was your classic
people-pleaser.
We want it to be
just a really great party.
Just a celebration
of families uniting.
These types of brides
are always a pleasure...
because they rarely fight me
on my methodology...
of complete and total access
to your life.
Hey. Oh, was that tonight?
Have you always wanted
to get married?
When I was a little girl,
I would, like,
take my mom's curtains...
and make them into a veil
and walk around.
Your mom and dad must be super
happy you're getting married.
Uh, yeah.
I don't know if I mentioned
this to you before,
but my mom and dad
actually got divorced,
so, um, they're super happy,
but separately they're happy...
happier separately
than they are together. Um...
I guess that's when the wedding
game kind of stopped being fun.
What changed?
Um, Philip.
Uh, I'm in real estate,
and I was showing this house...
with these perfect
little blue shutters...
and a big tree
in the front yard.
And one day Phil stopped
in front of this house...
and he looked at me
and he said,
"We could be a family. "
And...
Sweetheart, isn't she?
You'd never guess that
behind those innocent eyes...
was a one-way ticket to Crazyville
with a quick stop in Fakersfield.
You all right?
Yeah.
Can I get up now? I really...
I'm better. You good?
It usually helps
my grandma's anxiety attacks.
Oh, that wasn't an
anxiety attack. I'm better.
Oh, you are. You're great.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure
you're doing okay.
Oh, honey, I... he just told
me that the carving station's...
gonna have a regular light
instead of a red light.
All right?
No.
I know it was a concern...
Dad loves red-lit meat.
He specifically mentioned it
in an e-mail. Okay, okay, okay.
I'll handle it. I'll
handle it. I'll handle it.
The rehearsal dinner...
don't worry about it.
It doesn't matter.
The rehearsal dinner was fine.
Grab the kids!
Give him a tour around
the room, all right?
Okay. All right, dear? See you later.
Bye.
Testing one, two.
Mike check.
Somebody's getting married.
Okay, great.
That sounds great.
I was definitely chicken-faced
at my sister's wedding.
Yeah, you were.
Oh, check it out.
I got something for the boys.
Uh-oh. Oh, shoot.
I'm terrified.
Yes, let's see.
Okay, uh...
Hola, Pio Pio Rico.
Wow.
That's you.
Shoot, I actually
like that, Bena.
Well done, well done.
Grande chupacabra.
Yeah.
Over there.
I'm gonna pick up
the groom interview.
Most groomholes I work with
are either nervous,
drunk or control freaks.
Phil was distracted.
He's so attached to that thing.
It's like it's
an extension of his body.
That's, uh... That's
Teddy, right? What? Yeah.
Hey, Al.
I just missed your call.
Ooh, videographers are here.
What is it that you love
most about Alison?
Whoa. Oh, wow.
Uh, what is it the most
that I love about Alison?
Well, Alison is a powerhouse
in everything she does.
She loves her job.
She's pretty much the most
generous person I've ever met.
Over here.
My brother is gonna bug out.
He loves chocolate.
She's got great posture,
which is really awesome
considering how chest-heavy she is.
Which is also
equally awesome.
Phil's mother really loves
pink and chocolate,
so we picked pink
and chocolate,
which I like a lot now too.
She wanted us to pay for the whole
wedding, which is really cool and mature.
And she just didn't want her
dad to, like, give us anything.
Basically we just
wanted to throw,
like, a really fun party
for all our friends and family.
Little bit fancy.
You know, try to do it right,
no matter what the cost, really.
Love don't cost a thing, man.
It's hot as hell in here.
Can I talk to you
for a second outside?
Yes, of course, man.
All right.
Camera's off, right?
Perfect, perfect.
So, Alison and I are
getting married as scheduled.
We are doing this thing.
I have a plan.
It's kind of a surprise.
And it is definitely gonna
knock Alison's socks off.
That said,
I just, uh, you know...
I can't pay you tonight.
Normally, I would
turn my cameras off and go home.
But not this time.
I knew too much.
I am heading to
a very dark, dark place.
What's up, baby?
So the chef can't do
the crme brIe anymore.
Oh, no. There's like a
problem with the burners.
Here's the deal. Phil had been
planning to surprise Alison...
with their dream house
on their wedding day.
...some female issues. Oh,
I've got a Midol in my purse.
Only problem was, Phil didn't
count on the wedding costs...
getting so out of control
at the same time...
the first house payments
were rolling in.
Let's raise a glass in celebration
of Philip and Alison's love.
Do you wanna borrow
some cash? Yes, please.
From a very wealthy man with
more money than you. No offense.
Phil was so in over his head financially
that he had even hatched a plan.
He thought if he made his boss...
this guy... his best man,
he might be able to get an advance
out of him in time to save the house.
Trouble with that was,
Phil already had a best man...
this guy...
and they went way back.
It's Lucha Tonight. I'm
here with Philippe San Pedro.
Philippe San Pedro
backs down from no...
Wow!
Oh, my God! Is that Bena?
Phil just couldn't bring himself
to break his old pal's heart.
Bena, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. He's bleeding.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Buddy, slow down. Slow down.
She needs this.
Take it easy.
That's not the one.
Okay. All right.
He had all but given up.
The house was officially going back on
the market the Monday after their wedding.
But losing the house wasn't the worst thing
that was gonna happen to Phil that weekend.
Let's go! Grab the kids.
Grab the presents.
Let's go now.
So this is just our cake,
and then this is the groom's
cake surprise for Philip.
Phil loves his iPhone,
so I had it specially made...
by the second assistant to the
cake master on the Food Network.
She did my cousin's cake.
I can't eat it though, because
I have a wheat allergy, so, um...
so they made me a cake,
um, which is here.
Looks really good too.
The best part
of wireless mikes?
People always forget
they're wearing them.
Alison, does this freak-out
have anything to do with your...
Oh, Mom, it's not
the shot talking, okay?
I know you, and there is
something you are not telling me.
Mom, stop it.
I'm okay.
I'm more worried about
you. Are you okay?
Is it weird with Dad and her
being around all the time?
Is it weird that
I'm getting ready there?
I am more worried about you.
You cannot please everybody.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that I am worried...
that you are not gonna enjoy this
magnificent day of your life...
because you are running around trying to
make everything perfect for everybody else.
And eventually, that is how
you're going to lose Phil.
Oh, great.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
Oh, Alison. I didn't mean it
that way, Allie. Please...
So, uh, Alison,
do you have any, um...
Just tell me, what are
your hopes? Oh, my hopes?
Um, I suppose just, like, that
everything goes how it's supposed to go,
that everyone
has an amazing time,
and there's lots of dancing,
lots of eating,
and that my grandmother feels
complete with her time here on Earth.
Is there anything you'd like to say
to the video for Philip and Alison?
I just wanna say that I love my little
girl and her big man so very much,
and I wish them everything
that they could ever want.
And I just, you know, hope I
didn't screw her up too bad.
Are you excited
for your parents?
For your dad to walk you
down the aisle? Uh, yeah.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, guys. Who's hungry?
Oh, good. Good. Yay.
After the fireballs cleared,
Phil and Alison moved their rehearsal
dinner to the only place available...
the basement of
a local Knights of Columbus.
Let me take this.
I'm so cold. You're cold?
Okay, leave it on then.
I don't need to tell you
what to do.
Let's eat and party
and... eat and party. Yeah!
Seven-and-a-half foot sub,
on the way.
Let's go...
Here, let me grab this.
Do not drink that, Toddy,
all right?
Got it.
Most videographers won't shoot the
signing of the marriage contract,
but I know better.
For all the bells and whistles
of a lavish ceremony,
real marriage
comes down to paperwork.
There you are,
you precious angels.
Coming straight down
from heaven.
It's so good
to see y'all.
Did you wanna go over those vows? I do.
But first, I really need y'all to
sign this certificate of marriage.
Awesome. We have got
to get that done, okay?
Can I just grab that from you? Oh. Okay.
And we'll throw this
in the back.
I'll call my lawyer. Then we'll come
find you. You better not call your lawyer.
I'll be in there.
You can find me.
Ready?
- Oh, wait. Hold on.
- Philip...
I gotta take this call.
Do not take that.
Look, I got...
Look, put it over here.
Phil. Phil. Do not take that.
I gotta take this call, babe.
It could be Damian, all right? Do not...
Look, just give me
one minute.
I'll be right back.
One minute.
Damian,
can you hear me?
I'm going where
I can hear you.
- Is Alison all right?
- I think she is.
How would you be? You know, bad
rehearsal, good marriage maybe.
- Really?
- That didn't happen at my wedding.
I just made that up.
I just made that up.
No, I think that's a thing.
Now it's a thing. They
have a sense of humor.
Ah, babe, I'm so sorry.
It was Damian.
I'm so sorry, okay?
Here we go.
I'm not... I'm not going...
I'm not going back out there.
Babe, we gotta bring this out.
I don't wanna go back out there.
Let's just drop this off.
No. I won't go out there.
What...
What's going on, babe?
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Close the door.
What's the matter? This is not
working. It's just not working.
I just don't feel... I just
don't feel good. Babe, babe.
Have you ever seen their
Halloween costumes? No.
Oh, my God. What?
They go all out.
You can't go to a party
with them...
'cause there's no way you can
possibly beat... No, It's crazy.
You just have to, like, go
buy a mask... Sloth and Chunk.
Sloth and Chunk were amazing.
I know.
- Oh, my God.
- Phil really does the best Sloth.
Scottie Pippen,
Michael Jordan.
Oh, yeah, that was good.
It was crazy.
Wait a minute. How did they do
that? Were they in blackface?
No, they weren't
in blackface.
But hands down,
the best costume ever:
2007, Stephen Hawking
and the universe.
Oh, my God!
Alison just ruled him.
I think
I've just been, like,
going along with this for a
long time and kind of just, like,
going through the motions and just
getting caught up with everything,
and... I just...
Babe, this was your idea.
I know, but I just
thought, like...
This is your day.
I know.
This is the day you dreamed of
when you were a little girl. I know!
Why would you wanna have a wedding
if you didn't wanna get married?
This is what you wanted,
right?
You wanted to have a wedding.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
You wanted to get married.
No, I just...
No, I just...
I don't know.
It's what normal people do.
I don't know. I didn't
ever really want it.
We can't have these guys
come all this way, you know,
and then we're gonna
cancel the wedding.
You wanna cancel the
wedding? I can't do it.
You're actually
being serious.
This is just cold feet.
This is some normal...
I gotta tell these people.
What? No.
I gotta tell 'em.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
You tell me.
What are we doing?
You've got me so confused
right now, Alison.
I know, but...
What if we had a wedding
and we had a reception,
and just don't sign
that sheet of paper?
And then no one knows
that it's not official,
and everyone dances
and drinks,
and we feed them
and everyone has a great time.
This is ludicrous.
No, it'll be easier.
I think
I'm gonna throw up.
We're not gonna get the deposits
back. You said so yourself.
Yeah, we're not gonna
get our deposits back, Al.
But in a church...
Phil, when was the last time
that you went to church?
I pray every day, Al.
Okay, well,
I'll volunteer a lot.
Philip...
We're going to hell.
No, Phil. Look at me.
If you needed
further evidence...
that weddings make normal people
go bat-shit crazy,
let me present you
with exhibit "A":
Phil's new plan.
Just don't ask me
how I was able to get this.
I'm awake.
Drink this.
Okay.
One more coffee, please.
You'll be wide awake
after this.
Mm-hmm.
Why you being so nice to me?
Mmm. Mmm.
That's the trailblazer and this
is a bunch of covered wagons.
Brrr.
I'm so scared no one's gonna
wanna dance at the wedding.
I'm gonna dance.
I'm gonna dance all up and down
your man guests.
Alison has been fasting
for the last three months...
because of the Depo shot.
Is she supposed to be talking
to you? He's in my car.
So Alison got slammed
by the birth-control fairy.
No, my doctor gave me
this birth control shot...
so that I wouldn't have to worry
about my period for my wedding.
It is like 4,000 doses
of birth control at once,
so needless to say,
shit hit the fan.
I just didn't
have the best reaction.
You had 45 pounds
of not the best reaction.
It's a totally common
side effect.
You looked like a football
player. Why are you...
I really should have rescheduled
those engagement photos.
No. Why? It's where you were
at that time in your life.
There she is.
There's my sister.
I am so happy
and proud for you.
Lenka's really up to no good,
so feel free to ice her out
and make her feel unwanted.
Do your thing.
That was weird.
Alison's family life
was complicated.
Her dad had married a Czech
woman he met on meelf. com...
three months after the divorce
to Alison's mom was final.
So you're filming
everything, huh?
His new wife invited her
goddaughter Lenka for a visit.
Brian, who up till then had never tongue
kissed a girl, married her within the month.
That's my wife, everybody.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
Yes. Yes, of course I
still love you. I just...
You know what, Phil? We just need
to stick to the plan right now, okay?
That's what we need to do.
And if you really love me,
you'll respect that.
Okay, I love you too,
but just not in a marrying way.
Okay, bye.
You're the luckiest man in the
world, Phil. I am. Thank you.
Alison's amazing. Thank you,
Patty. Thank you, Dolores.
He's knocked out, Phil.
Poor little guy.
I put him on his tummy
so he doesn't choke on his puke.
Oh, God bless him.
Whatever happens,
I got your back tonight.
Just gotta get the keys,
get the girl,
and everything will be fine.
You already
got the girl, man.
Now take a look at this.
Your best friend
is one handsome fella.
You look good, my friend.
Who's getting lucky tonight?
You are,
and hopefully I am too.
Ready? Ready? Best alliance in hip-hop.
Let's do this.
Do you think it's gonna rain,
honestly?
My bangs are going crazy
already.
I feel like my bangs
are gonna ruin her wedding.
Dude, you canceled
your makeup artist?
It was the only thing I could
still cancel and not have to pay.
What? Um, I just wanted
someone in my family to do it.
Who?
Uh, Lenka.
The mail order bride
with the fake lashes? No.
You guys,
she's not a mail order bride.
My stepmom invited her
to live here.
To sell her. I thought this
was like a known fact, right?
Guys, she's really good
at makeup.
You're quiet today.
Are you okay?
Mark broke up with her.
Sean.
Nuh-uh.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
When did that happen?
He sent her
a text message.
He has a butterfly tramp stamp.
It's a gypsy moth.
Do you think that there's like
another girl or something?
Teera,
I'm not trying to say...
you can't keep your man
or something,
because you're gorgeous, but...
it just doesn't even
matter how pretty you are.
Think about it.
Sean Penn, Hugh Grant,
Jude Law, Bill Clinton,
Ethan Hawke, Charlie Sheen,
Tiger Woods,
um, oh, my God...
Sandra Bullock's husband,
Shania Twain's husband,
John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Chad Michael Murray...
Okay, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Done?
Okay. Great.
Oh, it looks so awesome.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I go.
Bye-bye.
I- It's not good.
It's like a famous
young gymnast.
It's bad.
We have to take this off.
We'll just like... We'll
blend it a little. No.
I want you to look at the camera so
you can remember this on your video...
and you can realize
how right we were.
Look at this face. Does
it look good from far away?
No. No.
It doesn't look good.
He didn't even...
He just...
Don't get your fing...
Wait, where's the front? Here?
Yeah.
You feel those like...
Don't mess up your hair.
Yeah, watch your hair.
Little baby Alison. Okay.
There we go. There we go.
Cute.
Hi.
How many in do you do?
Um, as tight as it can go.
Okay, ready?
Suck in.
Oh, my God, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna cry.
I'm sorry. I can't stop
looking at your makeup.
Hey, Mama.
Hey, Philip.
How are you?
You look so good.
Oh, you look beautiful. Look who
I brought. Look who I brought.
Oh. Cameraman, come get
these fine ladies over here.
This is my mom's Curves
class. Ladies, take a spin.
Show him what low-impact circuit
training can do for a body.
Mmm. Oh, yeah, that's it.
That's it, girls. All right,
enough of that. Let's go inside.
Phil's family wasn't a
Norman Rockwell painting either.
His father died
when Phil was only 13.
His mother never remarried, and Phil
had to learn to be the man of the house.
Great. Great. Nice. Nice.
Good.
Please don't give my mom
a seizure.
Little excessive there.
That's my ma.
That's my boy.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Can I just say,
I'm seeing a lot
of calf muscle at this wedding.
Me likey.
Enjoy it.
Hey, look at this family.
Hi, sweetheart.
How ya doing?
How's it going?
Good. How are you?
You look sharp.
Thank you.
How's he doing? He's
fine. Little nervous.
...just say a few words
for the bride and groom?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Hey, Phil and Alison.
Philly Phil.
We love you.
We love you.
Congratulations. Come on
over to the other side.
Married life is fantastic. Do you see
all of this? Come on, enjoy yourself.
Glowing.
All of this.
See that.
We are doing it.
That's later. Save that
for later. Okay, yeah.
Enjoy yourselves.
Enjoy yourselves.
Who is that? You have
got to be kidding me.
You have got to be... I'm not
playing. I don't even know who that is.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I need to go back upstairs.
Watch the dress.
Just a glass of water.
And maybe like a shot
of tequila. Tequila.
It's okay.
There he is.
Look who it is.
Not shaved. Hobo wedding.
Remember Phil's boss, Damian?
I like the argyle. I tend
to go for a sort of stripe.
I have something important
to ask you.
I want you to be my best man.
You want me to what?
I want you to be my best man.
You're joking.
No, you know, I was thinking
I wasn't gonna have one,
and then I started thinking
about Dad...
and everything
you've done for me and...
I'd love to do it...
been a big part of my life.
Do I get to give
a speech though?
You get to give a speech,
and then, here.
You get to hold on to these.
Oh, the ringmaster.
The ringmaster.
So when we get on altar...
On the altar, you're gonna be
right... to the right of me.
I'll do that. When we call
for you, just pass 'em.
Thank you so much, Damian.
Yes.
It's just nerves,
that's all it was.
I'm just a little stressed
right now. I'm sorry.
Alison, I once watched Chad
Fetzer punch you in the boob...
while he was shrooming,
and you apologized.
Not today.
It's your wedding day.
No "sorrys"
on your wedding day.
Okay. Sor...
No.
Here, have one.
What is it?
Nerve pills. I take one when
it's busy at the one-hour photo.
Guys, you gotta
stay calm, right?
This is about keeping it
together right now.
Right? Not letting our
nerves get the better of us.
We're all scared.
It's totally fine
to take something.
Totally.
Heck, I want one.
Yeah, I want one too.
I kinda want one too.
Me three.
Here, I'll take an extra.
Let's relax.
There's Alison.
There she is.
Oh, God.
She's like Lucy Lawless
on her wedding day to Hercules.
Let's... Oh, my God.
Hold on. Look at... And the pearls...
Ah.
- Ohh.
- Who is this guy?
Sorry, dear, my lady.
Ooh.
That's not Phil.
Shh.
Hey, Alison.
What?
Hey, Phil.
Yo!
They're here.
They're here already?
It's go time, man.
All right, here we go.
Big smile. Big smile.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, bridesmaids?
Bridesmaids, can I get, uh...
a picture of you guys?
Mommy.
Oh, my God. Your face.
Yeah, can you gimme a baby
wipe? Oh, thank God. Yes.
I have makeup with me.
Okay?
Right back.
Uh-huh. Okay.
God.
Here, put your head down
a little bit, dear.
I wanna get this blue away.
If Jesus ever saw this place, he'd
throw himself back on the cross.
It's Alison's dad's
old army church.
You guys ever get random pain
in your butthole?
What do you mean by random?
Like a sharp, shooting pain?
It's showtime, boys.
Showtime. Here we go.
All right, here we go.
Last chance, Phil.
Last chance to back out.
No backing out, Damian.
If I get a little emotional
out there, guys, just, uh...
Punch you in the back
of the head?
Right in the kidney.
Yeah. Donkey punch style.
Okay, just like the rehearsal.
Five. Five. Five!
Marriage is a difficult
enterprise to enter into...
for any two people,
especially young people,
whose lives are ahead of them,
and they may not know which
direction they're going in.
But these two...
Are you okay?
I'll be fine. really seem to have
their heads on straight about it.
We are so privileged because they
have written their own vows today,
which I think
is incredibly special...
and a wonderful sign of their
commitment to each other.
Philip, would you like to tell
your vows to Alison now?
Yes.
- Sorry. One second.
- Technology...
A blessing and a curse.
Okay.
"In the presence of God...
and all our families
and friends,
I, Philip Havemeyer...
Phil...
choose you, Alison Jones,
to be my wife,
to respect you in your
successes and failures,
to cherish you,
to nurture you,
to make you those gluten-free
nachos you love so much...
and to grow with you
throughout eternity.
Alison, you're the best,
and I love you.
That was beautiful, Philip.
Thank you.
Alison, your vows?
I, Alison Jones,
take you, Philip Havemeyer,
to have and to hold, forever.
I love you... forever.
Good.
Inasmuch as Alison and Phil have grown
in knowledge and love of one another...
because they have agreed in their
desire to go forward in life together...
seeking an ever-richer,
deepening relationship,
and because they have
pledged themselves...
to meet sorrow and joy
as one family,
we rejoice to recognize them
as joined together in marriage.
You may kiss the...
Holy shit!
You know what?
I don't like to be under it.
Get away from it.
If it falls, I don't want it
to fall on you.
It is with great pleasure that
I finally get to introduce you...
to Mr. and Mrs. Philip
and Alison Havemeyer.
Perfect. Excellent.
Excellent. Looks great.
Um, can we take one with
just my original parents?
Sure.
My biological parents?
Okay.
Good. Big smiles.
Big smiles.
Squeeze in a little bit more.
Alison, suck in those arms. I
need you to suck in those arms.
Real tight.
Nice, perfect.
Oh, that... Good, good.
Suck 'em in.
All right.
All right, this is good.
Ah, the carriage awaits.
You wanna go
all the way in to the left.
Hey, what are you
looking at me for?
Get over there! Go.
This is bad. We are bad.
We are going to hell.
Oh, my God.
We are going to hell,
driven in this carriage.
We are gonna see my dad a lot sooner
than I thought. Jesus is T.O.'d.
Jesus is meeting us at the hotel
in approximately 25 minutes.
No, Jesus is gonna come to our
reception and turn our wine into water,
because he is pissed.
Is this acid rain I'm feeling? Acid
raindrops. No, it's Jesus' tears.
Oh, my God.
Look at this guy.
Wow, you guys really are trying
to get everything here, huh?
You know, I, uh... I'm not really
into shooting weddings.
I like the human form.
I like contours.
I like capturing
the way the body curves.
Especially in the boudoir.
In a bedroom setting, you know?
Are you all right?
Hey, I just wanna let you know,
we're gonna go to the liquor
store to buy some booze.
'- Cause the hotel's charging
like $12 for rum. - What?
We paid for an open bar.
I paid for an open bar.
Yeah, who has a wedding without an
open bar? Uh, it's a little weird.
Okay, here.
Let me get your dress.
Okay.
Did you try running the thing
again? Did you call them?
This has gotta be some kinda
glitch with the credit card company.
You can't...
There's nothing we can do?
Look how beautiful
she looks. Right?
Cash bar at a wedding? That's
like the lowest of the low.
I'll do checks.
Checks?
Is there anything you'd like
to say to the bride and groom?
Yes, Philip and Alison...
what a great couple.
Lovely, lovely couple.
We love them so much.
They're working
so hard on this wedding.
You know, it's quite a chore,
and they're
doing this all for us...
and we wanna help.
It would be an honor
if they would let us do that.
That's a lot of booze.
Yeah.
You think that's enough
for like two weddings?
Definitely.
Move. Move.
Who's thirsty?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am so sorry.
There was a small, little thing
with the hotel.
And now the drinks
are all free,
so please, drink up.
Take advantage of this.
...the guy, okay?
There are boxes missing here.
Okay, there's supposed to be,
like, at least seven boxes here.
I'm only seeing four. These are
just the mixers. I need the alcohol.
Do you guys wanna say something
to the bride and groom?
Hey, Allie, how's it going?
You remember how everyone used to
say that I was in love with you?
Because I would, you know,
walk you to class,
and then,
you know, to work,
and then back
to your apartment and stuff?
That's crazy, right?
I don't wanna sit here.
Do you want me
to say something?
Congratulations.
Thanks for inviting us.
And for my husband's
promotion to best man.
I suppose that means
we can't leave early.
Are you wearing some of that,
like, shimmering stuff? Yeah.
It looks great.
Thanks.
Oh, butterfly. I'm pretty
limber for a guy my size.
You should come to yoga
with me.
Yoga?
Yeah.
You're already making me wear
pink, and now I gotta go to yoga?
Okay.
Please join me,
ladies and gentlemen,
as we welcome
our newlywed couple,
Phil and Alison Havemeyer!
As they take their first
dance as husband and wife.
Sir? Sir, if you could just
clear the dance floor. Sir.
I like your moves, buddy,
but now's not your time.
Look at the camera
real quick.
Say hi.
Hi.
How you doing, Laurie?
Hi.
You enjoying that?
Good, 'cause I paid for it.
Are you enjoying the food?
Guys, really, honestly, eat
everything in sight. Thank you.
No, I'm serious, because they don't
let me take the leftovers home.
That was like a big issue
with me.
Okay, I'm gonna save most
of this for my speech, Alison.
Honestly, thank God
for your wedding...
because there are so many guys here,
and I need to have sex with somebody.
How old are you?
I could sleep with you.
Jailbait.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I mean, so, seriously,
don't worry about me.
I'll find someone to sleep with, and
I hope that you have a great time.
I love you. You're my best friend. Mwah!
Alison and I were walking alone
along the beach.
I looked behind us,
and I noticed...
that for every good memory there were
two foots of... sets of footprints.
One was mine
and one was Alison's,
and I turned to Alison
and I said,
"Alison, how come
in the hardest,
uh, saddest times
of my life,
I was just walking alone?
Did you leave me?"
And she said, "No, of course
not. You're my best friend.
It was that time
that I carried you. "
Congratulations,
and I am so honored
to be your maid of honor.
Love you. Congratulations. Cheers!
All right.
Lots to think about.
And now, our best man,
Chris Benashnaz...
No. No, no.
Oh! I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Sorry. Damian Haines, ladies
and gentlemen. Damian Haines.
Thank you.
Is this on? Is this on?
Right, I'm not gonna try and top
Mary's speech because I'm not mad.
Uh, okay, what about this?
I always think...
that a woman is like
a nice bit of property.
You always want what's a
little bit outside your reach.
Let's be honest.
She's quite
a nice-looking girl.
Pretty, not beautiful.
Girl next door.
Very appealing.
And he's like
this massive Snuffleupagus...
on his hind legs.
But it's not about looks.
Right, let's get up here.
We're gonna do a toast.
Come on.
Enough eating. There's enough
type 2 diabetes in here already.
Yes. What's that joke?
It's an American joke.
Um...
May all your
ups and downs...
I don't know the joke.
It's an American sex joke.
So, let's... be all your ups and
downs be sex. All right. Brilliant.
Cheers. Come on.
All right, get it down
your necks. Thank you.
I thought
that was pretty good.
I mean, I didn't expect
any less, to be honest.
The one thing,
I was thinking,
maybe I should have
done something about kids.
You know, I got two kids.
Two little girls.
But then I thought,
you know what?
To be honest
with yourself, Damian,
I'm ambivalent
about the kids bit.
Um, can I have my wife
up here with me for this?
Honey?
Alison, Helen and I would
like to take this time...
to tell you that we love
you and we're proud of you,
and we want you to come
over for dinner more.
Can do.
Okay.
Well, cheers.
Everybody have fun.
Whoa!
Hey, man. Let me ask you
something. Totally random.
Do you think I'm gay?
I... I don't know.
A little.
Let me tell you, that wasn't the
first time I saw Phil's penis...
but it was the most memorable.
Am I right?
Cut it, cut it, cut it.
Come on, Bena.
Wrong time.
Come this way.
It was... Maybe I...
We got a special surprise for you.
There was a setup to that joke.
Harvey Wallbangers.
Oi, oi, mate!
Well, it's my best friend
in the whole world.
That's very unlikely, mate.
Excuse us, Damian.
Come on. We got some drinking
to do. No, this guy...
Did you see the new Battlestar?
Can we have three shots,
please? He's from Newark.
He's not from Newark.
This is the best Chinese food
in Newark.
You feeling all right, man? You
know, you missed the ceremony.
I know. My mom would be
so disappointed in me.
No, she wouldn't. We all love
you. No one's disappointed in you.
Bena, you know
what else you missed?
The Mexican hat dance.
Come on, buddy.
It's just not a wedding
without one.
All right. You lead.
You lead. Ready?
Two, dos, tres.
Ah!
Hey!
Three more, please. Make his
a double, if you don't mind.
Rack 'em up. Make sure
baby gets his bottle.
I got this. I'm the
billiards meister tonight.
Come on, Bena. What
do you say? One more.
Break to the beat
on three, two...
Three, two, one.
Get funky with it.
Alison looks gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
Although I was a little concerned
when we got the "save the date. "
She looks gorgeous.
Did you screw my wife?
It's okay if you did.
I just wanna know.
No. No. No.
Well, why not?
She sure was into you.
And about a half dozen
other guys.
Okay, so this will be,
like, really quick.
So what do you wanna do
for Alison?
I'm gonna go first,
same as before.
That guy is such a creep.
I can't believe she invited him.
Who is that guy?
Don't tell Alison this.
I went to his house, 'cause he was
the closest person to have sex with...
That thing on the Internet?
So I went to his house, and he
made me open all his mail naked.
How ya feeling?
How am I feeling?
You see this sweat?
I'm great!
Can I get one more,
please?
Do you wanna see the inside
of a spaceship?
Neither do I.
Hey, "camarone. "
I don't wanna be
a surgeon general about this,
but that's
a health code violation.
You got a spoon...
We love you, Alison!
Love you!
You are a really,
really good wife.
And you look really beautiful
as a bride. You look so pretty.
Hey, nice dress.
Nice dress.
No thanks to you guys. I
was not a part of that. What?
Dos cerveza, por favor.
You look great tonight. Honestly,
prettiest bride I've ever worked with.
Look, I wanna thank you
again for inviting me.
Most clients
don't do that.
You are so much more
than just a florist.
Look, um, I have
something for you.
I didn't want to pull it out
too early. It's in the van.
Remind me later. Ooh,
what is it? Tell me.
Nah, nah. Just be patient.
I'll bring it out later.
She's having fun. She's supposed to
get drunk and not remember any of this.
And that's why
she has the video.
- This should not be in it.
- I'm just saying.
I'm glad you have this video 'cause
you're not gonna remember any of this.
I wanna make love
to your wedding!
Yeah! I have no idea
who that guy is!
This wedding thing just
spiralled out of control, Damian,
and it's really just
a timing thing, I swear.
You know what
I'm capable of.
You know my work ethic.
We're gonna get
this money back.
The Midguard development's
about to close.
We're gonna be flush.
The money's coming in.
I know this isn't
a big deal to you, Damian.
What do you honestly think
I'm gonna say to that?
You're gonna say...
Yes!
I'm your best man.
Come here, you daft bastard.
Look at him, the poor sod, begging
in a hotel toilet on his wedding day.
I know, I know. Right. Let's
go tell 'em. Let's go tell 'em.
We'll do the deed.
Okay, everybody. Okay,
everybody. Move aside. Move aside.
Red Sea, part.
Here comes Moses.
We've got a little
announcement to make tonight.
Where's the bride? Where's the
blushing bride? Alice. Alice.
Alison. Alison. Alice
is short for Alison.
Anyway, we've got something
rather special to say to you.
This wonderful man, with a bit of
help, admittedly, from yours truly,
has done something
rather wonderful today.
He has bought you a...
drumroll...
a house.
A whole house,
everybody.
A little one,
but a whole house. Yes.
A little place to call
your own. A little place...
Thank you, Damian.
Whoo! I'm nervous.
I feel like
I'm proposing again.
Um, Alison...
Do you remember that
beautiful little house...
on 41 Gregor Way
that, um, we walked past...
for the last year,
and you told me
how much you love it,
and it's got the beautiful baby blue
shutters that I said match your eyes?
Well...
That's our house, baby.
We need to talk.
Right now?
Yeah.
Okay, let's go talk.
Can you guys just give us
a few seconds, like...
Just don't film this part.
Like, just don't film this part.
Good? Come on.
I'm not missing this
for shit.
This is gonna be
my masterpiece.
I wanna marry you.
I wanna make it official.
I want the world to know
that I'm your husband.
All we have to do is sign.
But why did you go along
with everything?
When have I not
had your back?
I love you.
And if something were
to happen to me, like,
you know, I fell off
the back of a yacht...
and ended up in some hospital
in the deep South with amnesia.
That's the plot
of Overboard.
And Kurt and Goldie are still going
strong. But they're not married.
'Cause they're
a bunch of pussies.
Let's get married, baby,
and let's live
in this house...
happily ever after.
You and me,
Are you guys back there?
Oh, there you are.
What's happening?
We're dead tired.
That was a great,
great party.
Are you guys taking
off already? Yeah. Yeah.
- Did you have a good time?
- Sure, sure.
It was fun, right?
It was beautiful.
You're leaving?
Doesn't she look good?
Dad, it's so early.
There's something that we
wanna give you from both of us.
We love you very much, and
we're proud of you, tall man.
Oh, Hugh. Oh, thank you.
That is...
We don't want it.
- Don't you think we should talk about this?
- There you are.
- I'm looking for you.
- Oh, well, you found us.
And you're not gonna leave
until I have a dance with Helena.
Right? Come on. Come on,
Hughie. Let's go. Come on.
You haven't danced all night.
You're gonna come dance with me.
All right.
What the... Alison?
What?
I know you have your daddy
issues and all... My daddy issues?
Shut up, Phil! God forbid
anybody do anything nice for us.
You know what? I have worked hard so
I can pay for this wedding ourselves.
Oh, oh. Now you're
just getting mean.
You know what?
I agreed to your evil plan.
I... I get my heart broken
on our wedding day.
And now you want me
to be broke too?
Come on, Al! So what if
your parents aren't together?
So what if your dad is boning some
Eastern European lady who talks funny?
At least he's here for you.
Grow up! Get over it.
Are you guys
still filming this?
Can you just... Can you just focus on
our guests for a little while, please?
This is not... I don't
wanna see this in the movie.
How's it going?
Pretty great, thanks.
Listen, don't do
anything stupid.
What the hell are you talking
about? It's not worth it, Alison.
Uh-huh.
Your flowers!
No! Ugh.
Alison?
Florist?
Florist!
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you love Phil and Alison,
make some noise!
- This is from Alison? This is
the surprise cake? - Yeah.
I love my iPhone.
She hates it when I...
Right. And that's for a
little cake for her. Of course.
Um...
Is there a special way
we're supposed to do this, or...
However you want to cut it, Phil. Okay.
Where is Alison?
Will you help me find... - Teera went
to get her. She went to get her.
All right.
Here we go. We'll
start here on this end.
All right. Well, hey.
And that one.
I wish my wife was here.
All right.
These three are mine.
What are you laughing at?
You've never seen anybody eat...
Alison's here right now,
right, we're...
I love it.
Eat, please.
This is America.
It's a wedding. It's not a...
It's not a free-for-all buffet...
where you come and go as you
damn well please, you know?
Right? Am I right? Don't
tell me. I know I'm right.
'Cause why would you go to a
haberdasher to get your shoes done?
That's what a cobbler's for.
You know, it makes no sense.
Oh! Oh! No, thank you! No, no!
You know, I'd drink my
own tears for this country.
That's the state of the union
that we're in.
And it's like P-I-C-S-H.
Play it cool, hotshot.
That was weird.
Uh, that's why you would
never send your shoes...
Hey, sticky fingers!
I see what you're doing.
Yeah? What of it?
Give us... You're taking our
wine. Give us our wine back.
Does this look like wine? It's
whiskey, and, yeah, I'm taking it.
Well, first off, yes,
it looks like wine.
And second off, who are you?
Prince Albert in a can?
No. My character's name is
Thantos, all right? Give me this!
Whoa, whoa. Put it back
down. Give it to me!
No.
There goes your hat!
How you gonna
marry people in space?
I guess we're gonna
find out, aren't we?
Man, the Sasquatch
is running amok.
Amok.
What the hell
are you doing?
Stop it! Stop, stop!
No, no, no!
Goddamn it!
Let go of my sister!
I don't wanna fight you!
I don't wanna fight you.
I don't wanna
fight you guys.
Aw, shit.
Shut up!
Shut up!
- Can't do it, man.
- That's my best man in there, you know?
He's really not some
crazy animal of a dude.
He's just a high school teacher.
We were having a great time.
Come on. You know
how this goes, Owen.
It's different circumstances
now. I have a new partner.
The training process is...
I'm Phil.
Nice to meet you.
How's the townhouse?
Right? The ladies love it,
right?
Come on, Owen. I'm asking you
for a favor on my wedding day.
I never asked you for a...
I know this is out of line.
- What is this... a reality show?
- These... cameras for?
All right, guys. Can you back off a little
bit, please? Just let me handle this.
Get that out of my face, man.
It's my wedding videographers. Go
grab this guy. What's this guy's name?
Bena. Please.
Let's go, Bena.
I appreciate it.
Get him upstairs.
All right.
Get a couple pills in him.
Whatever you gotta do. All right.
- All right? I can't get phone calls...
- I promise.
I am so sorry. Just grab
him and get him out of here.
All right?
And get these cameras too.
Just go see Mike.
Okay.
Fellas, thank you.
Just trying to help.
All right. Bye, guys.
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
That's the best party I've
ever been to in my entire life.
I really wasn't much
of a partyer in my youth.
But it would have been really the
best party I've ever been to...
even if I were Hugh Hefner,
Mick Jagger,
Huey Lewis, whoever.
'Cause that was
my little girl's party.
The one where she joined together
with someone else to make a life.
He's a lucky guy.
I'm proud of you, Scooter.
And I will love you forever,
no matter what.
Forever.
That's it?
Okay. Well, thank you.
Sure. Okay.
All right.
Here. I'll get...
I'll get this.
Damian.
You guys taking off?
We gotta scoot, mate.
Did you have a good time?
Yes, marvelous.
Look, I'm sorry about
that little thing at the end.
No, don't worry about it. I like
a fight at a wedding, actually.
Breaks up the endless hours of boredom.
So listen, is it cool if I come by
Monday morning and grab that check?
Um,
I think I got a little bit
caught up in the festivities.
Caught up
in the festivities?
What I mean is, um,
I don't really do that,
like give money to people
for no reason.
There was a good reason. We... We
just announced it to everybody in...
Shh.
What I'm saying, Phil...
I don't think
you quite understand.
It's complicated.
It's not easy.
You can't have the money.
I'm sorry.
Kids have pony practice
in the morning.
You're gonna get a lot of
this. Be prepared for it.
Dude.
Man, I want you to know...
I'm, like, all Red Bull and
vodka, like, all the time now, man.
I need you to tell me
we're okay.
I just can't believe
I passed out...
on Phil Havemeyer's wedding. Look,
Bena, come on. Don't worry about this.
Listen.
Never again, bro.
Let's sit down.
Never again.
From now on, man, I am like the
most caffeinated mother-father...
you're ever gonna meet.
Just sit. I got a confession
to make. All right?
You know, I actually thought
that if I got this house,
everything would be fine.
You know?
All back together.
I don't even know
where my fake wife is.
Is this the British dude?
Damian. The one from the bachelor party?
The big head.
Yeah.
Hold on a minute.
I need to get my cell phone.
I'll catch up with you later.
Wait, Bena.
You're not mad?
On seven.
I've got a great view.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yo, Bri, have you
seen Alison anywhere?
No. Um, have you
seen Lenka?
Excuse me. I would like
to buy the groom a bourbon.
And this kid...
Come on over.
Got one for you too. Is he
even old enough to drink, Bri?
There's a drinking age?
Sometimes I feel you
don't know when I'm joking.
Big brother
to the rescue, Bri. Hey.
It's weird
you're calling me big.
Let me tell you a thing or two
about my sister, Alison Jones.
She craves stimulation.
The kind of stuff
that smart people do...
to keep from being bored.
So my advice to you,
Phil, is...
don't be afraid
to spice it up.
Add a little of this,
a little of that.
- Do it sideways.
- I get it.
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
This is good, man.
Yeah, you do. I've never
said that. "Yeah, you do. "
Take my wife,
as an example.
Lenka.
You might think
I don't even like her.
And under different
circumstances, it might be true.
But we are not afraid
to spice it up, Phil.
We are not...
Uh-oh.
I said "spice"
one too many times.
I'd like to take this moment to
state that I do not regret anything...
Rules are made to be broken, especially
when what you're about to get is solid gold.
You wanna make a movie? Yeah,
I think we are making a movie.
Okay. Come here. Give
it to me. Okay. Okay.
Okay. I'm gonna be Kim
K. and you be Ray J. Okay.
Oh, wait. Hold on.
Someone's here.
Where? Come on. Get in the
closet. Keep the camera rolling.
Come on, come on.
It'll be really sexy.
I don't wanna get in
the closet. See you soon.
Please, don't do...
Bye.
Hey.
Hey. Have you seen Phil?
What's the matter,
baby cakes?
I can't find him anywhere.
You know that I know...
that you know...
Oh, God.
that I have some footage
from the bachelor party.
Well, it's footage
that hasn't been seen,
but definitely
could be seen,
if you know what I mean.
Mm-hmm.
Well, just to be clear,
I would definitely like
to blackmail you.
I can't believe
you faked it.
I freaked out.
It was such an awesome
party too. That was our goal.
Taking the pressure off
of getting married for real...
let us just focus
on our guests...
and make sure that we threw
a really good party.
You are such an idiot.
What?
That's not why people
had a great time.
Yes, it was. We took
care of everything. No.
They had a great time because they
believed in what they were celebrating.
You and Phil have the kind of
relationship that makes you both better,
and everyone in that room would
kill to have what you guys have.
You could have had a potluck
in a nursing home,
and it still would have been
the same level of awesome.
So, what? Now you're in
love with the florist?
No.
Where did you go then?
To his van.
He showed me his penis,
and then I crossed a highway
alone and ate 14 doughnuts.
That's so gross.
I know.
And dramatic.
I know.
I really love Phil.
I don't know. I just...
I feel like I'm lost.
I just feel like I'm in this
tornado and I can't get out.
It's okay.
I really should get back to my
wedding, shouldn't I? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna take
these with me.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
You're so sexy.
You wanna do this now?
Yeah.
Aw, shit.
I just got a red light.
Oh. Are you serious?
My battery's out.
Yeah, I gotta get another
battery in the van. Darn!
I'm sorry.
The biggest thing is that
I just feel like my head...
is just so much higher
than everyone else's,
and I'm just, like,
looking down at the world.
Aw, shoot. Is that Bena?
What happened? What happened to
him? I don't know. I don't know.
I wanted
to shoot him naked.
- All right.
- Congratulations...
I'm gonna get him.
on your marriage.
Ah, thank you.
Can I help you?
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
Just let me get him up
to the suite.
Just don't call the cops. We have
to call the cops or the E.M.T.s.
It's what I do.
I'm begging you.
If this guy can say his name, I'm
gonna let you have him. Bena. Bena.
Bridge. Just say your name,
Bena. Just say your name!
Tell us your name. Sounded
like his dental school.
Say your name, Bena.
Tell us your name, damn it!
I'm Phil Havemeyer's
best man.
Mom.
Where have you been?
Oh, you don't wanna know.
This morning, I had to
accept the possibility...
that you might be
a runaway bride.
I was worried.
Why...
Why would you... 'Cause
I know you, sweetie.
But I'm just so glad that
in the end, you chose Phil.
Because Phil knows you,
and he loves you for that.
And I love Phil
just for that very reason.
And I'm so proud of you,
and I'm so happy
for you and Phil.
Whenever I'm lost...
or whenever I'm alone,
Phil is always there for me.
I don't know what
I would do without him.
I would... I don't even
wanna think about it.
It's a check from me,
your father...
and the Czech.
She chipped in.
Phil, can we please talk?
Alone, please.
You know, I just felt like shit
keeping all that from you.
And... Such a crazy day.
Oh, Phil, I don't care
about the money.
You don't? Everybody cares
a little bit about the money.
No, Phil, we've always
been fine with money.
The last thing I want is for
us to be broke and broken up.
That... That can't happen.
We're good with money.
What is so messed up...
I was actually really happy
when I gained all that weight...
and got bacne
and grew that cyst.
I was happy
because I'm crazy...
and because I thought
that you would leave me.
I just felt, like, well,
he's gonna leave me eventually,
so it may as well happen
before we're married.
I just hope you can
just forgive me.
I'm just so sorry for, like,
being such a crazy person.
And through everything,
you've always had my back.
I love you so much,
and I do not wanna lose you.
I wanna do this.
You wanna marry me?
Yes.
So go ahead and ask.
Phil Havemeyer, will
you... Yes, Alison Jones?
Will you be my wife?
I would love
to be your wife.
You know, I have the marriage
contract in my pocket still.
All we need is a pen
and a witness.
We don't have a witness.
I bet you that crazy videographer's
somewhere around here...
I don't think... hiding
in the bushes or something.
Look!
Look at him right there!
I told you. You hired him. Oh!
Over here.
You spying on us again?
Sorry.
We need you this time.
Come on.
Hit the light for me,
buddy.
And can I get a pen?
Yeah.
You are a witness...
to...
I now pronounce us...
I now pronounce you...
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
It's official.
And he's our witness.
Oh, shit.
It's Damian. I'm not
taking it. No. No, take it.
I'm not gonna take it.
No, I'm serious. Take it.
You serious?
Yes.
Damian, you get home safely?
What?
Yeah, that's amazing.
That would really be helpful.
All right.
I- I'll see you Monday then.
Thank you.
- Damian just gave me an advance.
- Really?
We're back in action, baby.
God, that's weird. I wonder
what made him change his mind.
Well, just to be clear, I would
definitely like to blackmail you.
After hearing
his buddy's heartbreak,
Bena was determined
to set things right-
with the help of some incriminating
footage from Phil's bachelor party.
I got a condo back in 2008.
I think you'd like it.
I'm not wrong, right? We're
mates now, right? Yeah.
Ronnie the coke dealer! This
isn't Ron the coke dealer's house.
Doesn't look like it, no.
Come here.
I love you, man.
You know what?
With me, I stick at it.
So you're stuck with me now
for the rest of your life.
Hard to find good friends.
They are hard to find.
Oh, Darren, I love you.
I hope you're hungry. I hope
you're really, really hungry.
This is the special rice?
It's Uncle Ben's.
Oh, she's hilarious. I love
it. Chinese sense of humor.
Come here, darling. Come
and sit with your daddy.
Come on, love. She loves me,
this one. She really does.
Aah!
Noodle, noodle.
Take a picture with your phone
of me and my second family.
Damian, come over.
Come over and get in.
This is a very famous hotel.
There's been more adultery
and affairs that have gone on...
I think Robert Redford very
famously had an affair here.
Really?
How do you know this?
- There's a couple plaques in the lobby that
say all of this. - Plaques in the lobby.
I wouldn't want it any
other way, I don't think.
Yeah.
It was awesome.
I mean, I don't think our guests are
really gonna ever forget that day,
and I know I won't.
Hey, ladies.
Wakey-wakey!
Hi!
The hotel's
not gonna forget it.
They let me know
they're not gonna forget it.
My people.
Hey. There he is.
You're looking
very fresh.
You two killed it last night
on the dance floor.
We probably won't be staying
here any time soon, but, um...
But that's okay
'cause we're going to Naples.
That's right.
Florida.
Naples.
Remember that
sophisticated lady,
the one who was looking me
up and down all night?
Sophisticated lady? You
mean that hot old chick?
There she is right there.
Oh, dude. That's
my second cousin's wife.
Not cool.
That's her son
in the wheelchair.
Is he, like, handicapped?
No, he's just depressed.
Have you guys seen
my brother and his wife?
We're fearing the worst.
They're right there, baby.
- And it looks like they're getting
along really well. - That's bizarre.
No, I get it. Sometimes
you just gotta make it work.
Are you okay, Mary?
- Yeah, what happened?
- You don't wanna know.
I had fun.
I had so much fun.
Just a lot of dancing,
lot of... Drinking.
A lot of eating.
A lot of shots.
Hopefully not a lot of suing.
That would really suck. Yeah.
What I said before is true.
Shuttle's here.
Weddings make people go insane.
But an even deeper truth
is this:
You have to already be insane
to get married at all...
because only a crazy person
would actually believe...
that they could be happy with one
person for the rest of their lives.
Only the crazies do it.
And you know what?
Only the craziest succeed.
These two...
I think they got a shot.
Yeah.
I'm so proud of you, Scooter.
Alison, you're the best.
I love you.
I love you forever.
Philip,
please place this ring
on Alison's finger.
Alison, please place the ring
on Philip's finger.
Mr. and Mrs.
Phil and Alison Havemeyer.
- I couldn't be happier.
- Congratulations.
Mazel tov.
We're happy to be here.
Isn't she beautiful, guys?
Isn't she beautiful?
Here she is.
Prettiest bride in the world.
Uh-huh.
Isn't she pretty?
I just... I can't.
I'm sorry. Guys, I need
to go back upstairs.
If you truly love someone,
elope.
Trust me, I've been shooting
these shit shows for over 10 years.
Weddings are supposed to be
about true love and commitment.
But come on.
That's garbage.
In my experience, everyone's more
concerned about how they look,
or the roast beef
at the carving station,
or the custom napkin rings
than true love.
But I'm an artist.
This is what I do.
Nana hates you?
I catch the one time she smiles.
Recent divorce melting down
at the wedding?
I drop some Sarah McLachlan
on that shit, make it a moment.
I'm at your rehearsal dinner.
I'm grabbing your home movies.
I'm buying footage
off of guests.
I'll give you five bucks for it.
Weddings make people go insane,
but I always edit out the crazy.
That is, until...
I met these two.
Your job is to get everything.
That's it.
You got no other job.
This is the hotel here.
I want you to do a master,
kind of like a pan master wide,
and then I want you to just
tilt down on the thing, okay?
Oh, shut the fuck up.
Up until that day,
I had operated...
with a strict code of ethics...
a big part of my success.
There are rules
to this game.
You don't eat with them.
You don't drink with them.
- You don't flirt with them.
- You don't... them.
A.B.R., baby...
Always be rolling.
My assistants
are highly skilled technicians.
This one really upped his game
since graduating high school.
Now what you're about to see is a
different kind of wedding video...
raw, unfettered.
It is quite simply
my masterwork.
You want the other wedding,
man. It's right that way.
- Inhale.
- Breathe.
I can't get up.
But before we go there,
let me introduce you
to the bride and groom.
Right over there.
You see, that's my guy.
That guy's filming us?
That guy's filming us, yeah.
Alison and Phil
seemed normal at first.
Alison was your classic
people-pleaser.
We want it to be
just a really great party.
Just a celebration
of families uniting.
These types of brides
are always a pleasure...
because they rarely fight me
on my methodology...
of complete and total access
to your life.
Hey. Oh, was that tonight?
Have you always wanted
to get married?
When I was a little girl,
I would, like,
take my mom's curtains...
and make them into a veil
and walk around.
Your mom and dad must be super
happy you're getting married.
Uh, yeah.
I don't know if I mentioned
this to you before,
but my mom and dad
actually got divorced,
so, um, they're super happy,
but separately they're happy...
happier separately
than they are together. Um...
I guess that's when the wedding
game kind of stopped being fun.
What changed?
Um, Philip.
Uh, I'm in real estate,
and I was showing this house...
with these perfect
little blue shutters...
and a big tree
in the front yard.
And one day Phil stopped
in front of this house...
and he looked at me
and he said,
"We could be a family. "
And...
Sweetheart, isn't she?
You'd never guess that
behind those innocent eyes...
was a one-way ticket to Crazyville
with a quick stop in Fakersfield.
You all right?
Yeah.
Can I get up now? I really...
I'm better. You good?
It usually helps
my grandma's anxiety attacks.
Oh, that wasn't an
anxiety attack. I'm better.
Oh, you are. You're great.
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry.
I just want to make sure
you're doing okay.
Oh, honey, I... he just told
me that the carving station's...
gonna have a regular light
instead of a red light.
All right?
No.
I know it was a concern...
Dad loves red-lit meat.
He specifically mentioned it
in an e-mail. Okay, okay, okay.
I'll handle it. I'll
handle it. I'll handle it.
The rehearsal dinner...
don't worry about it.
It doesn't matter.
The rehearsal dinner was fine.
Grab the kids!
Give him a tour around
the room, all right?
Okay. All right, dear? See you later.
Bye.
Testing one, two.
Mike check.
Somebody's getting married.
Okay, great.
That sounds great.
I was definitely chicken-faced
at my sister's wedding.
Yeah, you were.
Oh, check it out.
I got something for the boys.
Uh-oh. Oh, shoot.
I'm terrified.
Yes, let's see.
Okay, uh...
Hola, Pio Pio Rico.
Wow.
That's you.
Shoot, I actually
like that, Bena.
Well done, well done.
Grande chupacabra.
Yeah.
Over there.
I'm gonna pick up
the groom interview.
Most groomholes I work with
are either nervous,
drunk or control freaks.
Phil was distracted.
He's so attached to that thing.
It's like it's
an extension of his body.
That's, uh... That's
Teddy, right? What? Yeah.
Hey, Al.
I just missed your call.
Ooh, videographers are here.
What is it that you love
most about Alison?
Whoa. Oh, wow.
Uh, what is it the most
that I love about Alison?
Well, Alison is a powerhouse
in everything she does.
She loves her job.
She's pretty much the most
generous person I've ever met.
Over here.
My brother is gonna bug out.
He loves chocolate.
She's got great posture,
which is really awesome
considering how chest-heavy she is.
Which is also
equally awesome.
Phil's mother really loves
pink and chocolate,
so we picked pink
and chocolate,
which I like a lot now too.
She wanted us to pay for the whole
wedding, which is really cool and mature.
And she just didn't want her
dad to, like, give us anything.
Basically we just
wanted to throw,
like, a really fun party
for all our friends and family.
Little bit fancy.
You know, try to do it right,
no matter what the cost, really.
Love don't cost a thing, man.
It's hot as hell in here.
Can I talk to you
for a second outside?
Yes, of course, man.
All right.
Camera's off, right?
Perfect, perfect.
So, Alison and I are
getting married as scheduled.
We are doing this thing.
I have a plan.
It's kind of a surprise.
And it is definitely gonna
knock Alison's socks off.
That said,
I just, uh, you know...
I can't pay you tonight.
Normally, I would
turn my cameras off and go home.
But not this time.
I knew too much.
I am heading to
a very dark, dark place.
What's up, baby?
So the chef can't do
the crme brIe anymore.
Oh, no. There's like a
problem with the burners.
Here's the deal. Phil had been
planning to surprise Alison...
with their dream house
on their wedding day.
...some female issues. Oh,
I've got a Midol in my purse.
Only problem was, Phil didn't
count on the wedding costs...
getting so out of control
at the same time...
the first house payments
were rolling in.
Let's raise a glass in celebration
of Philip and Alison's love.
Do you wanna borrow
some cash? Yes, please.
From a very wealthy man with
more money than you. No offense.
Phil was so in over his head financially
that he had even hatched a plan.
He thought if he made his boss...
this guy... his best man,
he might be able to get an advance
out of him in time to save the house.
Trouble with that was,
Phil already had a best man...
this guy...
and they went way back.
It's Lucha Tonight. I'm
here with Philippe San Pedro.
Philippe San Pedro
backs down from no...
Wow!
Oh, my God! Is that Bena?
Phil just couldn't bring himself
to break his old pal's heart.
Bena, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. He's bleeding.
I feel sick to my stomach.
Buddy, slow down. Slow down.
She needs this.
Take it easy.
That's not the one.
Okay. All right.
He had all but given up.
The house was officially going back on
the market the Monday after their wedding.
But losing the house wasn't the worst thing
that was gonna happen to Phil that weekend.
Let's go! Grab the kids.
Grab the presents.
Let's go now.
So this is just our cake,
and then this is the groom's
cake surprise for Philip.
Phil loves his iPhone,
so I had it specially made...
by the second assistant to the
cake master on the Food Network.
She did my cousin's cake.
I can't eat it though, because
I have a wheat allergy, so, um...
so they made me a cake,
um, which is here.
Looks really good too.
The best part
of wireless mikes?
People always forget
they're wearing them.
Alison, does this freak-out
have anything to do with your...
Oh, Mom, it's not
the shot talking, okay?
I know you, and there is
something you are not telling me.
Mom, stop it.
I'm okay.
I'm more worried about
you. Are you okay?
Is it weird with Dad and her
being around all the time?
Is it weird that
I'm getting ready there?
I am more worried about you.
You cannot please everybody.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means that I am worried...
that you are not gonna enjoy this
magnificent day of your life...
because you are running around trying to
make everything perfect for everybody else.
And eventually, that is how
you're going to lose Phil.
Oh, great.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
Oh, Alison. I didn't mean it
that way, Allie. Please...
So, uh, Alison,
do you have any, um...
Just tell me, what are
your hopes? Oh, my hopes?
Um, I suppose just, like, that
everything goes how it's supposed to go,
that everyone
has an amazing time,
and there's lots of dancing,
lots of eating,
and that my grandmother feels
complete with her time here on Earth.
Is there anything you'd like to say
to the video for Philip and Alison?
I just wanna say that I love my little
girl and her big man so very much,
and I wish them everything
that they could ever want.
And I just, you know, hope I
didn't screw her up too bad.
Are you excited
for your parents?
For your dad to walk you
down the aisle? Uh, yeah.
Yup.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, guys. Who's hungry?
Oh, good. Good. Yay.
After the fireballs cleared,
Phil and Alison moved their rehearsal
dinner to the only place available...
the basement of
a local Knights of Columbus.
Let me take this.
I'm so cold. You're cold?
Okay, leave it on then.
I don't need to tell you
what to do.
Let's eat and party
and... eat and party. Yeah!
Seven-and-a-half foot sub,
on the way.
Let's go...
Here, let me grab this.
Do not drink that, Toddy,
all right?
Got it.
Most videographers won't shoot the
signing of the marriage contract,
but I know better.
For all the bells and whistles
of a lavish ceremony,
real marriage
comes down to paperwork.
There you are,
you precious angels.
Coming straight down
from heaven.
It's so good
to see y'all.
Did you wanna go over those vows? I do.
But first, I really need y'all to
sign this certificate of marriage.
Awesome. We have got
to get that done, okay?
Can I just grab that from you? Oh. Okay.
And we'll throw this
in the back.
I'll call my lawyer. Then we'll come
find you. You better not call your lawyer.
I'll be in there.
You can find me.
Ready?
- Oh, wait. Hold on.
- Philip...
I gotta take this call.
Do not take that.
Look, I got...
Look, put it over here.
Phil. Phil. Do not take that.
I gotta take this call, babe.
It could be Damian, all right? Do not...
Look, just give me
one minute.
I'll be right back.
One minute.
Damian,
can you hear me?
I'm going where
I can hear you.
- Is Alison all right?
- I think she is.
How would you be? You know, bad
rehearsal, good marriage maybe.
- Really?
- That didn't happen at my wedding.
I just made that up.
I just made that up.
No, I think that's a thing.
Now it's a thing. They
have a sense of humor.
Ah, babe, I'm so sorry.
It was Damian.
I'm so sorry, okay?
Here we go.
I'm not... I'm not going...
I'm not going back out there.
Babe, we gotta bring this out.
I don't wanna go back out there.
Let's just drop this off.
No. I won't go out there.
What...
What's going on, babe?
Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Close the door.
What's the matter? This is not
working. It's just not working.
I just don't feel... I just
don't feel good. Babe, babe.
Have you ever seen their
Halloween costumes? No.
Oh, my God. What?
They go all out.
You can't go to a party
with them...
'cause there's no way you can
possibly beat... No, It's crazy.
You just have to, like, go
buy a mask... Sloth and Chunk.
Sloth and Chunk were amazing.
I know.
- Oh, my God.
- Phil really does the best Sloth.
Scottie Pippen,
Michael Jordan.
Oh, yeah, that was good.
It was crazy.
Wait a minute. How did they do
that? Were they in blackface?
No, they weren't
in blackface.
But hands down,
the best costume ever:
2007, Stephen Hawking
and the universe.
Oh, my God!
Alison just ruled him.
I think
I've just been, like,
going along with this for a
long time and kind of just, like,
going through the motions and just
getting caught up with everything,
and... I just...
Babe, this was your idea.
I know, but I just
thought, like...
This is your day.
I know.
This is the day you dreamed of
when you were a little girl. I know!
Why would you wanna have a wedding
if you didn't wanna get married?
This is what you wanted,
right?
You wanted to have a wedding.
No, I didn't.
No, I didn't.
You wanted to get married.
No, I just...
No, I just...
I don't know.
It's what normal people do.
I don't know. I didn't
ever really want it.
We can't have these guys
come all this way, you know,
and then we're gonna
cancel the wedding.
You wanna cancel the
wedding? I can't do it.
You're actually
being serious.
This is just cold feet.
This is some normal...
I gotta tell these people.
What? No.
I gotta tell 'em.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
You tell me.
What are we doing?
You've got me so confused
right now, Alison.
I know, but...
What if we had a wedding
and we had a reception,
and just don't sign
that sheet of paper?
And then no one knows
that it's not official,
and everyone dances
and drinks,
and we feed them
and everyone has a great time.
This is ludicrous.
No, it'll be easier.
I think
I'm gonna throw up.
We're not gonna get the deposits
back. You said so yourself.
Yeah, we're not gonna
get our deposits back, Al.
But in a church...
Phil, when was the last time
that you went to church?
I pray every day, Al.
Okay, well,
I'll volunteer a lot.
Philip...
We're going to hell.
No, Phil. Look at me.
If you needed
further evidence...
that weddings make normal people
go bat-shit crazy,
let me present you
with exhibit "A":
Phil's new plan.
Just don't ask me
how I was able to get this.
I'm awake.
Drink this.
Okay.
One more coffee, please.
You'll be wide awake
after this.
Mm-hmm.
Why you being so nice to me?
Mmm. Mmm.
That's the trailblazer and this
is a bunch of covered wagons.
Brrr.
I'm so scared no one's gonna
wanna dance at the wedding.
I'm gonna dance.
I'm gonna dance all up and down
your man guests.
Alison has been fasting
for the last three months...
because of the Depo shot.
Is she supposed to be talking
to you? He's in my car.
So Alison got slammed
by the birth-control fairy.
No, my doctor gave me
this birth control shot...
so that I wouldn't have to worry
about my period for my wedding.
It is like 4,000 doses
of birth control at once,
so needless to say,
shit hit the fan.
I just didn't
have the best reaction.
You had 45 pounds
of not the best reaction.
It's a totally common
side effect.
You looked like a football
player. Why are you...
I really should have rescheduled
those engagement photos.
No. Why? It's where you were
at that time in your life.
There she is.
There's my sister.
I am so happy
and proud for you.
Lenka's really up to no good,
so feel free to ice her out
and make her feel unwanted.
Do your thing.
That was weird.
Alison's family life
was complicated.
Her dad had married a Czech
woman he met on meelf. com...
three months after the divorce
to Alison's mom was final.
So you're filming
everything, huh?
His new wife invited her
goddaughter Lenka for a visit.
Brian, who up till then had never tongue
kissed a girl, married her within the month.
That's my wife, everybody.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I don't know.
Yes. Yes, of course I
still love you. I just...
You know what, Phil? We just need
to stick to the plan right now, okay?
That's what we need to do.
And if you really love me,
you'll respect that.
Okay, I love you too,
but just not in a marrying way.
Okay, bye.
You're the luckiest man in the
world, Phil. I am. Thank you.
Alison's amazing. Thank you,
Patty. Thank you, Dolores.
He's knocked out, Phil.
Poor little guy.
I put him on his tummy
so he doesn't choke on his puke.
Oh, God bless him.
Whatever happens,
I got your back tonight.
Just gotta get the keys,
get the girl,
and everything will be fine.
You already
got the girl, man.
Now take a look at this.
Your best friend
is one handsome fella.
You look good, my friend.
Who's getting lucky tonight?
You are,
and hopefully I am too.
Ready? Ready? Best alliance in hip-hop.
Let's do this.
Do you think it's gonna rain,
honestly?
My bangs are going crazy
already.
I feel like my bangs
are gonna ruin her wedding.
Dude, you canceled
your makeup artist?
It was the only thing I could
still cancel and not have to pay.
What? Um, I just wanted
someone in my family to do it.
Who?
Uh, Lenka.
The mail order bride
with the fake lashes? No.
You guys,
she's not a mail order bride.
My stepmom invited her
to live here.
To sell her. I thought this
was like a known fact, right?
Guys, she's really good
at makeup.
You're quiet today.
Are you okay?
Mark broke up with her.
Sean.
Nuh-uh.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
When did that happen?
He sent her
a text message.
He has a butterfly tramp stamp.
It's a gypsy moth.
Do you think that there's like
another girl or something?
Teera,
I'm not trying to say...
you can't keep your man
or something,
because you're gorgeous, but...
it just doesn't even
matter how pretty you are.
Think about it.
Sean Penn, Hugh Grant,
Jude Law, Bill Clinton,
Ethan Hawke, Charlie Sheen,
Tiger Woods,
um, oh, my God...
Sandra Bullock's husband,
Shania Twain's husband,
John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Chad Michael Murray...
Okay, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Done?
Okay. Great.
Oh, it looks so awesome.
Thank you.
Thanks.
I go.
Bye-bye.
I- It's not good.
It's like a famous
young gymnast.
It's bad.
We have to take this off.
We'll just like... We'll
blend it a little. No.
I want you to look at the camera so
you can remember this on your video...
and you can realize
how right we were.
Look at this face. Does
it look good from far away?
No. No.
It doesn't look good.
He didn't even...
He just...
Don't get your fing...
Wait, where's the front? Here?
Yeah.
You feel those like...
Don't mess up your hair.
Yeah, watch your hair.
Little baby Alison. Okay.
There we go. There we go.
Cute.
Hi.
How many in do you do?
Um, as tight as it can go.
Okay, ready?
Suck in.
Oh, my God, sweetie.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna cry.
I'm sorry. I can't stop
looking at your makeup.
Hey, Mama.
Hey, Philip.
How are you?
You look so good.
Oh, you look beautiful. Look who
I brought. Look who I brought.
Oh. Cameraman, come get
these fine ladies over here.
This is my mom's Curves
class. Ladies, take a spin.
Show him what low-impact circuit
training can do for a body.
Mmm. Oh, yeah, that's it.
That's it, girls. All right,
enough of that. Let's go inside.
Phil's family wasn't a
Norman Rockwell painting either.
His father died
when Phil was only 13.
His mother never remarried, and Phil
had to learn to be the man of the house.
Great. Great. Nice. Nice.
Good.
Please don't give my mom
a seizure.
Little excessive there.
That's my ma.
That's my boy.
Oh, hello.
Hi.
Can I just say,
I'm seeing a lot
of calf muscle at this wedding.
Me likey.
Enjoy it.
Hey, look at this family.
Hi, sweetheart.
How ya doing?
How's it going?
Good. How are you?
You look sharp.
Thank you.
How's he doing? He's
fine. Little nervous.
...just say a few words
for the bride and groom?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Hey, Phil and Alison.
Philly Phil.
We love you.
We love you.
Congratulations. Come on
over to the other side.
Married life is fantastic. Do you see
all of this? Come on, enjoy yourself.
Glowing.
All of this.
See that.
We are doing it.
That's later. Save that
for later. Okay, yeah.
Enjoy yourselves.
Enjoy yourselves.
Who is that? You have
got to be kidding me.
You have got to be... I'm not
playing. I don't even know who that is.
I can't. I'm sorry.
I need to go back upstairs.
Watch the dress.
Just a glass of water.
And maybe like a shot
of tequila. Tequila.
It's okay.
There he is.
Look who it is.
Not shaved. Hobo wedding.
Remember Phil's boss, Damian?
I like the argyle. I tend
to go for a sort of stripe.
I have something important
to ask you.
I want you to be my best man.
You want me to what?
I want you to be my best man.
You're joking.
No, you know, I was thinking
I wasn't gonna have one,
and then I started thinking
about Dad...
and everything
you've done for me and...
I'd love to do it...
been a big part of my life.
Do I get to give
a speech though?
You get to give a speech,
and then, here.
You get to hold on to these.
Oh, the ringmaster.
The ringmaster.
So when we get on altar...
On the altar, you're gonna be
right... to the right of me.
I'll do that. When we call
for you, just pass 'em.
Thank you so much, Damian.
Yes.
It's just nerves,
that's all it was.
I'm just a little stressed
right now. I'm sorry.
Alison, I once watched Chad
Fetzer punch you in the boob...
while he was shrooming,
and you apologized.
Not today.
It's your wedding day.
No "sorrys"
on your wedding day.
Okay. Sor...
No.
Here, have one.
What is it?
Nerve pills. I take one when
it's busy at the one-hour photo.
Guys, you gotta
stay calm, right?
This is about keeping it
together right now.
Right? Not letting our
nerves get the better of us.
We're all scared.
It's totally fine
to take something.
Totally.
Heck, I want one.
Yeah, I want one too.
I kinda want one too.
Me three.
Here, I'll take an extra.
Let's relax.
There's Alison.
There she is.
Oh, God.
She's like Lucy Lawless
on her wedding day to Hercules.
Let's... Oh, my God.
Hold on. Look at... And the pearls...
Ah.
- Ohh.
- Who is this guy?
Sorry, dear, my lady.
Ooh.
That's not Phil.
Shh.
Hey, Alison.
What?
Hey, Phil.
Yo!
They're here.
They're here already?
It's go time, man.
All right, here we go.
Big smile. Big smile.
Oh, my gosh.
Oh, bridesmaids?
Bridesmaids, can I get, uh...
a picture of you guys?
Mommy.
Oh, my God. Your face.
Yeah, can you gimme a baby
wipe? Oh, thank God. Yes.
I have makeup with me.
Okay?
Right back.
Uh-huh. Okay.
God.
Here, put your head down
a little bit, dear.
I wanna get this blue away.
If Jesus ever saw this place, he'd
throw himself back on the cross.
It's Alison's dad's
old army church.
You guys ever get random pain
in your butthole?
What do you mean by random?
Like a sharp, shooting pain?
It's showtime, boys.
Showtime. Here we go.
All right, here we go.
Last chance, Phil.
Last chance to back out.
No backing out, Damian.
If I get a little emotional
out there, guys, just, uh...
Punch you in the back
of the head?
Right in the kidney.
Yeah. Donkey punch style.
Okay, just like the rehearsal.
Five. Five. Five!
Marriage is a difficult
enterprise to enter into...
for any two people,
especially young people,
whose lives are ahead of them,
and they may not know which
direction they're going in.
But these two...
Are you okay?
I'll be fine. really seem to have
their heads on straight about it.
We are so privileged because they
have written their own vows today,
which I think
is incredibly special...
and a wonderful sign of their
commitment to each other.
Philip, would you like to tell
your vows to Alison now?
Yes.
- Sorry. One second.
- Technology...
A blessing and a curse.
Okay.
"In the presence of God...
and all our families
and friends,
I, Philip Havemeyer...
Phil...
choose you, Alison Jones,
to be my wife,
to respect you in your
successes and failures,
to cherish you,
to nurture you,
to make you those gluten-free
nachos you love so much...
and to grow with you
throughout eternity.
Alison, you're the best,
and I love you.
That was beautiful, Philip.
Thank you.
Alison, your vows?
I, Alison Jones,
take you, Philip Havemeyer,
to have and to hold, forever.
I love you... forever.
Good.
Inasmuch as Alison and Phil have grown
in knowledge and love of one another...
because they have agreed in their
desire to go forward in life together...
seeking an ever-richer,
deepening relationship,
and because they have
pledged themselves...
to meet sorrow and joy
as one family,
we rejoice to recognize them
as joined together in marriage.
You may kiss the...
Holy shit!
You know what?
I don't like to be under it.
Get away from it.
If it falls, I don't want it
to fall on you.
It is with great pleasure that
I finally get to introduce you...
to Mr. and Mrs. Philip
and Alison Havemeyer.
Perfect. Excellent.
Excellent. Looks great.
Um, can we take one with
just my original parents?
Sure.
My biological parents?
Okay.
Good. Big smiles.
Big smiles.
Squeeze in a little bit more.
Alison, suck in those arms. I
need you to suck in those arms.
Real tight.
Nice, perfect.
Oh, that... Good, good.
Suck 'em in.
All right.
All right, this is good.
Ah, the carriage awaits.
You wanna go
all the way in to the left.
Hey, what are you
looking at me for?
Get over there! Go.
This is bad. We are bad.
We are going to hell.
Oh, my God.
We are going to hell,
driven in this carriage.
We are gonna see my dad a lot sooner
than I thought. Jesus is T.O.'d.
Jesus is meeting us at the hotel
in approximately 25 minutes.
No, Jesus is gonna come to our
reception and turn our wine into water,
because he is pissed.
Is this acid rain I'm feeling? Acid
raindrops. No, it's Jesus' tears.
Oh, my God.
Look at this guy.
Wow, you guys really are trying
to get everything here, huh?
You know, I, uh... I'm not really
into shooting weddings.
I like the human form.
I like contours.
I like capturing
the way the body curves.
Especially in the boudoir.
In a bedroom setting, you know?
Are you all right?
Hey, I just wanna let you know,
we're gonna go to the liquor
store to buy some booze.
'- Cause the hotel's charging
like $12 for rum. - What?
We paid for an open bar.
I paid for an open bar.
Yeah, who has a wedding without an
open bar? Uh, it's a little weird.
Okay, here.
Let me get your dress.
Okay.
Did you try running the thing
again? Did you call them?
This has gotta be some kinda
glitch with the credit card company.
You can't...
There's nothing we can do?
Look how beautiful
she looks. Right?
Cash bar at a wedding? That's
like the lowest of the low.
I'll do checks.
Checks?
Is there anything you'd like
to say to the bride and groom?
Yes, Philip and Alison...
what a great couple.
Lovely, lovely couple.
We love them so much.
They're working
so hard on this wedding.
You know, it's quite a chore,
and they're
doing this all for us...
and we wanna help.
It would be an honor
if they would let us do that.
That's a lot of booze.
Yeah.
You think that's enough
for like two weddings?
Definitely.
Move. Move.
Who's thirsty?
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am so sorry.
There was a small, little thing
with the hotel.
And now the drinks
are all free,
so please, drink up.
Take advantage of this.
...the guy, okay?
There are boxes missing here.
Okay, there's supposed to be,
like, at least seven boxes here.
I'm only seeing four. These are
just the mixers. I need the alcohol.
Do you guys wanna say something
to the bride and groom?
Hey, Allie, how's it going?
You remember how everyone used to
say that I was in love with you?
Because I would, you know,
walk you to class,
and then,
you know, to work,
and then back
to your apartment and stuff?
That's crazy, right?
I don't wanna sit here.
Do you want me
to say something?
Congratulations.
Thanks for inviting us.
And for my husband's
promotion to best man.
I suppose that means
we can't leave early.
Are you wearing some of that,
like, shimmering stuff? Yeah.
It looks great.
Thanks.
Oh, butterfly. I'm pretty
limber for a guy my size.
You should come to yoga
with me.
Yoga?
Yeah.
You're already making me wear
pink, and now I gotta go to yoga?
Okay.
Please join me,
ladies and gentlemen,
as we welcome
our newlywed couple,
Phil and Alison Havemeyer!
As they take their first
dance as husband and wife.
Sir? Sir, if you could just
clear the dance floor. Sir.
I like your moves, buddy,
but now's not your time.
Look at the camera
real quick.
Say hi.
Hi.
How you doing, Laurie?
Hi.
You enjoying that?
Good, 'cause I paid for it.
Are you enjoying the food?
Guys, really, honestly, eat
everything in sight. Thank you.
No, I'm serious, because they don't
let me take the leftovers home.
That was like a big issue
with me.
Okay, I'm gonna save most
of this for my speech, Alison.
Honestly, thank God
for your wedding...
because there are so many guys here,
and I need to have sex with somebody.
How old are you?
I could sleep with you.
Jailbait.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
I mean, so, seriously,
don't worry about me.
I'll find someone to sleep with, and
I hope that you have a great time.
I love you. You're my best friend. Mwah!
Alison and I were walking alone
along the beach.
I looked behind us,
and I noticed...
that for every good memory there were
two foots of... sets of footprints.
One was mine
and one was Alison's,
and I turned to Alison
and I said,
"Alison, how come
in the hardest,
uh, saddest times
of my life,
I was just walking alone?
Did you leave me?"
And she said, "No, of course
not. You're my best friend.
It was that time
that I carried you. "
Congratulations,
and I am so honored
to be your maid of honor.
Love you. Congratulations. Cheers!
All right.
Lots to think about.
And now, our best man,
Chris Benashnaz...
No. No, no.
Oh! I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Sorry. Damian Haines, ladies
and gentlemen. Damian Haines.
Thank you.
Is this on? Is this on?
Right, I'm not gonna try and top
Mary's speech because I'm not mad.
Uh, okay, what about this?
I always think...
that a woman is like
a nice bit of property.
You always want what's a
little bit outside your reach.
Let's be honest.
She's quite
a nice-looking girl.
Pretty, not beautiful.
Girl next door.
Very appealing.
And he's like
this massive Snuffleupagus...
on his hind legs.
But it's not about looks.
Right, let's get up here.
We're gonna do a toast.
Come on.
Enough eating. There's enough
type 2 diabetes in here already.
Yes. What's that joke?
It's an American joke.
Um...
May all your
ups and downs...
I don't know the joke.
It's an American sex joke.
So, let's... be all your ups and
downs be sex. All right. Brilliant.
Cheers. Come on.
All right, get it down
your necks. Thank you.
I thought
that was pretty good.
I mean, I didn't expect
any less, to be honest.
The one thing,
I was thinking,
maybe I should have
done something about kids.
You know, I got two kids.
Two little girls.
But then I thought,
you know what?
To be honest
with yourself, Damian,
I'm ambivalent
about the kids bit.
Um, can I have my wife
up here with me for this?
Honey?
Alison, Helen and I would
like to take this time...
to tell you that we love
you and we're proud of you,
and we want you to come
over for dinner more.
Can do.
Okay.
Well, cheers.
Everybody have fun.
Whoa!
Hey, man. Let me ask you
something. Totally random.
Do you think I'm gay?
I... I don't know.
A little.
Let me tell you, that wasn't the
first time I saw Phil's penis...
but it was the most memorable.
Am I right?
Cut it, cut it, cut it.
Come on, Bena.
Wrong time.
Come this way.
It was... Maybe I...
We got a special surprise for you.
There was a setup to that joke.
Harvey Wallbangers.
Oi, oi, mate!
Well, it's my best friend
in the whole world.
That's very unlikely, mate.
Excuse us, Damian.
Come on. We got some drinking
to do. No, this guy...
Did you see the new Battlestar?
Can we have three shots,
please? He's from Newark.
He's not from Newark.
This is the best Chinese food
in Newark.
You feeling all right, man? You
know, you missed the ceremony.
I know. My mom would be
so disappointed in me.
No, she wouldn't. We all love
you. No one's disappointed in you.
Bena, you know
what else you missed?
The Mexican hat dance.
Come on, buddy.
It's just not a wedding
without one.
All right. You lead.
You lead. Ready?
Two, dos, tres.
Ah!
Hey!
Three more, please. Make his
a double, if you don't mind.
Rack 'em up. Make sure
baby gets his bottle.
I got this. I'm the
billiards meister tonight.
Come on, Bena. What
do you say? One more.
Break to the beat
on three, two...
Three, two, one.
Get funky with it.
Alison looks gorgeous.
Absolutely gorgeous.
Although I was a little concerned
when we got the "save the date. "
She looks gorgeous.
Did you screw my wife?
It's okay if you did.
I just wanna know.
No. No. No.
Well, why not?
She sure was into you.
And about a half dozen
other guys.
Okay, so this will be,
like, really quick.
So what do you wanna do
for Alison?
I'm gonna go first,
same as before.
That guy is such a creep.
I can't believe she invited him.
Who is that guy?
Don't tell Alison this.
I went to his house, 'cause he was
the closest person to have sex with...
That thing on the Internet?
So I went to his house, and he
made me open all his mail naked.
How ya feeling?
How am I feeling?
You see this sweat?
I'm great!
Can I get one more,
please?
Do you wanna see the inside
of a spaceship?
Neither do I.
Hey, "camarone. "
I don't wanna be
a surgeon general about this,
but that's
a health code violation.
You got a spoon...
We love you, Alison!
Love you!
You are a really,
really good wife.
And you look really beautiful
as a bride. You look so pretty.
Hey, nice dress.
Nice dress.
No thanks to you guys. I
was not a part of that. What?
Dos cerveza, por favor.
You look great tonight. Honestly,
prettiest bride I've ever worked with.
Look, I wanna thank you
again for inviting me.
Most clients
don't do that.
You are so much more
than just a florist.
Look, um, I have
something for you.
I didn't want to pull it out
too early. It's in the van.
Remind me later. Ooh,
what is it? Tell me.
Nah, nah. Just be patient.
I'll bring it out later.
She's having fun. She's supposed to
get drunk and not remember any of this.
And that's why
she has the video.
- This should not be in it.
- I'm just saying.
I'm glad you have this video 'cause
you're not gonna remember any of this.
I wanna make love
to your wedding!
Yeah! I have no idea
who that guy is!
This wedding thing just
spiralled out of control, Damian,
and it's really just
a timing thing, I swear.
You know what
I'm capable of.
You know my work ethic.
We're gonna get
this money back.
The Midguard development's
about to close.
We're gonna be flush.
The money's coming in.
I know this isn't
a big deal to you, Damian.
What do you honestly think
I'm gonna say to that?
You're gonna say...
Yes!
I'm your best man.
Come here, you daft bastard.
Look at him, the poor sod, begging
in a hotel toilet on his wedding day.
I know, I know. Right. Let's
go tell 'em. Let's go tell 'em.
We'll do the deed.
Okay, everybody. Okay,
everybody. Move aside. Move aside.
Red Sea, part.
Here comes Moses.
We've got a little
announcement to make tonight.
Where's the bride? Where's the
blushing bride? Alice. Alice.
Alison. Alison. Alice
is short for Alison.
Anyway, we've got something
rather special to say to you.
This wonderful man, with a bit of
help, admittedly, from yours truly,
has done something
rather wonderful today.
He has bought you a...
drumroll...
a house.
A whole house,
everybody.
A little one,
but a whole house. Yes.
A little place to call
your own. A little place...
Thank you, Damian.
Whoo! I'm nervous.
I feel like
I'm proposing again.
Um, Alison...
Do you remember that
beautiful little house...
on 41 Gregor Way
that, um, we walked past...
for the last year,
and you told me
how much you love it,
and it's got the beautiful baby blue
shutters that I said match your eyes?
Well...
That's our house, baby.
We need to talk.
Right now?
Yeah.
Okay, let's go talk.
Can you guys just give us
a few seconds, like...
Just don't film this part.
Like, just don't film this part.
Good? Come on.
I'm not missing this
for shit.
This is gonna be
my masterpiece.
I wanna marry you.
I wanna make it official.
I want the world to know
that I'm your husband.
All we have to do is sign.
But why did you go along
with everything?
When have I not
had your back?
I love you.
And if something were
to happen to me, like,
you know, I fell off
the back of a yacht...
and ended up in some hospital
in the deep South with amnesia.
That's the plot
of Overboard.
And Kurt and Goldie are still going
strong. But they're not married.
'Cause they're
a bunch of pussies.
Let's get married, baby,
and let's live
in this house...
happily ever after.
You and me,
Are you guys back there?
Oh, there you are.
What's happening?
We're dead tired.
That was a great,
great party.
Are you guys taking
off already? Yeah. Yeah.
- Did you have a good time?
- Sure, sure.
It was fun, right?
It was beautiful.
You're leaving?
Doesn't she look good?
Dad, it's so early.
There's something that we
wanna give you from both of us.
We love you very much, and
we're proud of you, tall man.
Oh, Hugh. Oh, thank you.
That is...
We don't want it.
- Don't you think we should talk about this?
- There you are.
- I'm looking for you.
- Oh, well, you found us.
And you're not gonna leave
until I have a dance with Helena.
Right? Come on. Come on,
Hughie. Let's go. Come on.
You haven't danced all night.
You're gonna come dance with me.
All right.
What the... Alison?
What?
I know you have your daddy
issues and all... My daddy issues?
Shut up, Phil! God forbid
anybody do anything nice for us.
You know what? I have worked hard so
I can pay for this wedding ourselves.
Oh, oh. Now you're
just getting mean.
You know what?
I agreed to your evil plan.
I... I get my heart broken
on our wedding day.
And now you want me
to be broke too?
Come on, Al! So what if
your parents aren't together?
So what if your dad is boning some
Eastern European lady who talks funny?
At least he's here for you.
Grow up! Get over it.
Are you guys
still filming this?
Can you just... Can you just focus on
our guests for a little while, please?
This is not... I don't
wanna see this in the movie.
How's it going?
Pretty great, thanks.
Listen, don't do
anything stupid.
What the hell are you talking
about? It's not worth it, Alison.
Uh-huh.
Your flowers!
No! Ugh.
Alison?
Florist?
Florist!
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you love Phil and Alison,
make some noise!
- This is from Alison? This is
the surprise cake? - Yeah.
I love my iPhone.
She hates it when I...
Right. And that's for a
little cake for her. Of course.
Um...
Is there a special way
we're supposed to do this, or...
However you want to cut it, Phil. Okay.
Where is Alison?
Will you help me find... - Teera went
to get her. She went to get her.
All right.
Here we go. We'll
start here on this end.
All right. Well, hey.
And that one.
I wish my wife was here.
All right.
These three are mine.
What are you laughing at?
You've never seen anybody eat...
Alison's here right now,
right, we're...
I love it.
Eat, please.
This is America.
It's a wedding. It's not a...
It's not a free-for-all buffet...
where you come and go as you
damn well please, you know?
Right? Am I right? Don't
tell me. I know I'm right.
'Cause why would you go to a
haberdasher to get your shoes done?
That's what a cobbler's for.
You know, it makes no sense.
Oh! Oh! No, thank you! No, no!
You know, I'd drink my
own tears for this country.
That's the state of the union
that we're in.
And it's like P-I-C-S-H.
Play it cool, hotshot.
That was weird.
Uh, that's why you would
never send your shoes...
Hey, sticky fingers!
I see what you're doing.
Yeah? What of it?
Give us... You're taking our
wine. Give us our wine back.
Does this look like wine? It's
whiskey, and, yeah, I'm taking it.
Well, first off, yes,
it looks like wine.
And second off, who are you?
Prince Albert in a can?
No. My character's name is
Thantos, all right? Give me this!
Whoa, whoa. Put it back
down. Give it to me!
No.
There goes your hat!
How you gonna
marry people in space?
I guess we're gonna
find out, aren't we?
Man, the Sasquatch
is running amok.
Amok.
What the hell
are you doing?
Stop it! Stop, stop!
No, no, no!
Goddamn it!
Let go of my sister!
I don't wanna fight you!
I don't wanna fight you.
I don't wanna
fight you guys.
Aw, shit.
Shut up!
Shut up!
- Can't do it, man.
- That's my best man in there, you know?
He's really not some
crazy animal of a dude.
He's just a high school teacher.
We were having a great time.
Come on. You know
how this goes, Owen.
It's different circumstances
now. I have a new partner.
The training process is...
I'm Phil.
Nice to meet you.
How's the townhouse?
Right? The ladies love it,
right?
Come on, Owen. I'm asking you
for a favor on my wedding day.
I never asked you for a...
I know this is out of line.
- What is this... a reality show?
- These... cameras for?
All right, guys. Can you back off a little
bit, please? Just let me handle this.
Get that out of my face, man.
It's my wedding videographers. Go
grab this guy. What's this guy's name?
Bena. Please.
Let's go, Bena.
I appreciate it.
Get him upstairs.
All right.
Get a couple pills in him.
Whatever you gotta do. All right.
- All right? I can't get phone calls...
- I promise.
I am so sorry. Just grab
him and get him out of here.
All right?
And get these cameras too.
Just go see Mike.
Okay.
Fellas, thank you.
Just trying to help.
All right. Bye, guys.
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
That's the best party I've
ever been to in my entire life.
I really wasn't much
of a partyer in my youth.
But it would have been really the
best party I've ever been to...
even if I were Hugh Hefner,
Mick Jagger,
Huey Lewis, whoever.
'Cause that was
my little girl's party.
The one where she joined together
with someone else to make a life.
He's a lucky guy.
I'm proud of you, Scooter.
And I will love you forever,
no matter what.
Forever.
That's it?
Okay. Well, thank you.
Sure. Okay.
All right.
Here. I'll get...
I'll get this.
Damian.
You guys taking off?
We gotta scoot, mate.
Did you have a good time?
Yes, marvelous.
Look, I'm sorry about
that little thing at the end.
No, don't worry about it. I like
a fight at a wedding, actually.
Breaks up the endless hours of boredom.
So listen, is it cool if I come by
Monday morning and grab that check?
Um,
I think I got a little bit
caught up in the festivities.
Caught up
in the festivities?
What I mean is, um,
I don't really do that,
like give money to people
for no reason.
There was a good reason. We... We
just announced it to everybody in...
Shh.
What I'm saying, Phil...
I don't think
you quite understand.
It's complicated.
It's not easy.
You can't have the money.
I'm sorry.
Kids have pony practice
in the morning.
You're gonna get a lot of
this. Be prepared for it.
Dude.
Man, I want you to know...
I'm, like, all Red Bull and
vodka, like, all the time now, man.
I need you to tell me
we're okay.
I just can't believe
I passed out...
on Phil Havemeyer's wedding. Look,
Bena, come on. Don't worry about this.
Listen.
Never again, bro.
Let's sit down.
Never again.
From now on, man, I am like the
most caffeinated mother-father...
you're ever gonna meet.
Just sit. I got a confession
to make. All right?
You know, I actually thought
that if I got this house,
everything would be fine.
You know?
All back together.
I don't even know
where my fake wife is.
Is this the British dude?
Damian. The one from the bachelor party?
The big head.
Yeah.
Hold on a minute.
I need to get my cell phone.
I'll catch up with you later.
Wait, Bena.
You're not mad?
On seven.
I've got a great view.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yo, Bri, have you
seen Alison anywhere?
No. Um, have you
seen Lenka?
Excuse me. I would like
to buy the groom a bourbon.
And this kid...
Come on over.
Got one for you too. Is he
even old enough to drink, Bri?
There's a drinking age?
Sometimes I feel you
don't know when I'm joking.
Big brother
to the rescue, Bri. Hey.
It's weird
you're calling me big.
Let me tell you a thing or two
about my sister, Alison Jones.
She craves stimulation.
The kind of stuff
that smart people do...
to keep from being bored.
So my advice to you,
Phil, is...
don't be afraid
to spice it up.
Add a little of this,
a little of that.
- Do it sideways.
- I get it.
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
This is good, man.
Yeah, you do. I've never
said that. "Yeah, you do. "
Take my wife,
as an example.
Lenka.
You might think
I don't even like her.
And under different
circumstances, it might be true.
But we are not afraid
to spice it up, Phil.
We are not...
Uh-oh.
I said "spice"
one too many times.
I'd like to take this moment to
state that I do not regret anything...
Rules are made to be broken, especially
when what you're about to get is solid gold.
You wanna make a movie? Yeah,
I think we are making a movie.
Okay. Come here. Give
it to me. Okay. Okay.
Okay. I'm gonna be Kim
K. and you be Ray J. Okay.
Oh, wait. Hold on.
Someone's here.
Where? Come on. Get in the
closet. Keep the camera rolling.
Come on, come on.
It'll be really sexy.
I don't wanna get in
the closet. See you soon.
Please, don't do...
Bye.
Hey.
Hey. Have you seen Phil?
What's the matter,
baby cakes?
I can't find him anywhere.
You know that I know...
that you know...
Oh, God.
that I have some footage
from the bachelor party.
Well, it's footage
that hasn't been seen,
but definitely
could be seen,
if you know what I mean.
Mm-hmm.
Well, just to be clear,
I would definitely like
to blackmail you.
I can't believe
you faked it.
I freaked out.
It was such an awesome
party too. That was our goal.
Taking the pressure off
of getting married for real...
let us just focus
on our guests...
and make sure that we threw
a really good party.
You are such an idiot.
What?
That's not why people
had a great time.
Yes, it was. We took
care of everything. No.
They had a great time because they
believed in what they were celebrating.
You and Phil have the kind of
relationship that makes you both better,
and everyone in that room would
kill to have what you guys have.
You could have had a potluck
in a nursing home,
and it still would have been
the same level of awesome.
So, what? Now you're in
love with the florist?
No.
Where did you go then?
To his van.
He showed me his penis,
and then I crossed a highway
alone and ate 14 doughnuts.
That's so gross.
I know.
And dramatic.
I know.
I really love Phil.
I don't know. I just...
I feel like I'm lost.
I just feel like I'm in this
tornado and I can't get out.
It's okay.
I really should get back to my
wedding, shouldn't I? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm gonna take
these with me.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
You're so sexy.
You wanna do this now?
Yeah.
Aw, shit.
I just got a red light.
Oh. Are you serious?
My battery's out.
Yeah, I gotta get another
battery in the van. Darn!
I'm sorry.
The biggest thing is that
I just feel like my head...
is just so much higher
than everyone else's,
and I'm just, like,
looking down at the world.
Aw, shoot. Is that Bena?
What happened? What happened to
him? I don't know. I don't know.
I wanted
to shoot him naked.
- All right.
- Congratulations...
I'm gonna get him.
on your marriage.
Ah, thank you.
Can I help you?
Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa, whoa!
Just let me get him up
to the suite.
Just don't call the cops. We have
to call the cops or the E.M.T.s.
It's what I do.
I'm begging you.
If this guy can say his name, I'm
gonna let you have him. Bena. Bena.
Bridge. Just say your name,
Bena. Just say your name!
Tell us your name. Sounded
like his dental school.
Say your name, Bena.
Tell us your name, damn it!
I'm Phil Havemeyer's
best man.
Mom.
Where have you been?
Oh, you don't wanna know.
This morning, I had to
accept the possibility...
that you might be
a runaway bride.
I was worried.
Why...
Why would you... 'Cause
I know you, sweetie.
But I'm just so glad that
in the end, you chose Phil.
Because Phil knows you,
and he loves you for that.
And I love Phil
just for that very reason.
And I'm so proud of you,
and I'm so happy
for you and Phil.
Whenever I'm lost...
or whenever I'm alone,
Phil is always there for me.
I don't know what
I would do without him.
I would... I don't even
wanna think about it.
It's a check from me,
your father...
and the Czech.
She chipped in.
Phil, can we please talk?
Alone, please.
You know, I just felt like shit
keeping all that from you.
And... Such a crazy day.
Oh, Phil, I don't care
about the money.
You don't? Everybody cares
a little bit about the money.
No, Phil, we've always
been fine with money.
The last thing I want is for
us to be broke and broken up.
That... That can't happen.
We're good with money.
What is so messed up...
I was actually really happy
when I gained all that weight...
and got bacne
and grew that cyst.
I was happy
because I'm crazy...
and because I thought
that you would leave me.
I just felt, like, well,
he's gonna leave me eventually,
so it may as well happen
before we're married.
I just hope you can
just forgive me.
I'm just so sorry for, like,
being such a crazy person.
And through everything,
you've always had my back.
I love you so much,
and I do not wanna lose you.
I wanna do this.
You wanna marry me?
Yes.
So go ahead and ask.
Phil Havemeyer, will
you... Yes, Alison Jones?
Will you be my wife?
I would love
to be your wife.
You know, I have the marriage
contract in my pocket still.
All we need is a pen
and a witness.
We don't have a witness.
I bet you that crazy videographer's
somewhere around here...
I don't think... hiding
in the bushes or something.
Look!
Look at him right there!
I told you. You hired him. Oh!
Over here.
You spying on us again?
Sorry.
We need you this time.
Come on.
Hit the light for me,
buddy.
And can I get a pen?
Yeah.
You are a witness...
to...
I now pronounce us...
I now pronounce you...
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
It's official.
And he's our witness.
Oh, shit.
It's Damian. I'm not
taking it. No. No, take it.
I'm not gonna take it.
No, I'm serious. Take it.
You serious?
Yes.
Damian, you get home safely?
What?
Yeah, that's amazing.
That would really be helpful.
All right.
I- I'll see you Monday then.
Thank you.
- Damian just gave me an advance.
- Really?
We're back in action, baby.
God, that's weird. I wonder
what made him change his mind.
Well, just to be clear, I would
definitely like to blackmail you.
After hearing
his buddy's heartbreak,
Bena was determined
to set things right-
with the help of some incriminating
footage from Phil's bachelor party.
I got a condo back in 2008.
I think you'd like it.
I'm not wrong, right? We're
mates now, right? Yeah.
Ronnie the coke dealer! This
isn't Ron the coke dealer's house.
Doesn't look like it, no.
Come here.
I love you, man.
You know what?
With me, I stick at it.
So you're stuck with me now
for the rest of your life.
Hard to find good friends.
They are hard to find.
Oh, Darren, I love you.
I hope you're hungry. I hope
you're really, really hungry.
This is the special rice?
It's Uncle Ben's.
Oh, she's hilarious. I love
it. Chinese sense of humor.
Come here, darling. Come
and sit with your daddy.
Come on, love. She loves me,
this one. She really does.
Aah!
Noodle, noodle.
Take a picture with your phone
of me and my second family.
Damian, come over.
Come over and get in.
This is a very famous hotel.
There's been more adultery
and affairs that have gone on...
I think Robert Redford very
famously had an affair here.
Really?
How do you know this?
- There's a couple plaques in the lobby that
say all of this. - Plaques in the lobby.
I wouldn't want it any
other way, I don't think.
Yeah.
It was awesome.
I mean, I don't think our guests are
really gonna ever forget that day,
and I know I won't.
Hey, ladies.
Wakey-wakey!
Hi!
The hotel's
not gonna forget it.
They let me know
they're not gonna forget it.
My people.
Hey. There he is.
You're looking
very fresh.
You two killed it last night
on the dance floor.
We probably won't be staying
here any time soon, but, um...
But that's okay
'cause we're going to Naples.
That's right.
Florida.
Naples.
Remember that
sophisticated lady,
the one who was looking me
up and down all night?
Sophisticated lady? You
mean that hot old chick?
There she is right there.
Oh, dude. That's
my second cousin's wife.
Not cool.
That's her son
in the wheelchair.
Is he, like, handicapped?
No, he's just depressed.
Have you guys seen
my brother and his wife?
We're fearing the worst.
They're right there, baby.
- And it looks like they're getting
along really well. - That's bizarre.
No, I get it. Sometimes
you just gotta make it work.
Are you okay, Mary?
- Yeah, what happened?
- You don't wanna know.
I had fun.
I had so much fun.
Just a lot of dancing,
lot of... Drinking.
A lot of eating.
A lot of shots.
Hopefully not a lot of suing.
That would really suck. Yeah.
What I said before is true.
Shuttle's here.
Weddings make people go insane.
But an even deeper truth
is this:
You have to already be insane
to get married at all...
because only a crazy person
would actually believe...
that they could be happy with one
person for the rest of their lives.
Only the crazies do it.
And you know what?
Only the craziest succeed.
These two...
I think they got a shot.
Yeah.
I'm so proud of you, Scooter.
Alison, you're the best.
I love you.
I love you forever.
Philip,
please place this ring
on Alison's finger.
Alison, please place the ring
on Philip's finger.
Mr. and Mrs.
Phil and Alison Havemeyer.
- I couldn't be happier.
- Congratulations.
Mazel tov.
We're happy to be here.
Isn't she beautiful, guys?
Isn't she beautiful?