Brett Goldstein: The Second Best Night of Your Life (2025) Movie Script
I always admired
American stand-up specials,
the way the comic
always seemed so cool,
smoking a cigarette
even if they don't smoke,
pulling up outside a packed venue
with not a care in the world.
Hey, I get it.
Life moves fast,
so you got to walk slow.
But it's my time now,
time for me to do my first special.
It's time for me to shine.
Hey, sweetheart.
How's your mother?
Time for me to show everyone
what the fuck I've got.
Brett, let's go. Showtime. Come on.
I don't know why I said I'd do this.
I don't want to do this.
There's too many people out there.
I don't want to do a special.
- It's insane to do a special--
- Pull yourself together!
Like I was saying, time to show them
what I'm made of...
Oi!
- Have a great show, Brett.
- Cheers, Buddy G.
Just have fun!
In the greatest place
on Earth, New Jersey.
New Jersey, how are you?
All right, then.
Let's start with my name.
My name is Brett Goldstein.
That is my real name.
And where I come from
in London, England,
that's quite an exotic name.
No one knows a Brett Goldstein.
I've come to the East Coast.
Do you know who knows
a Brett Goldstein?
Everyone.
Everyone knows
a Brett Goldstein.
And not just that, but, apparently,
Brett Goldstein is the name
of the guy who first fingered you
at summer camp.
So...
...just here to continue a great
and important tradition.
Thank you for having me.
I first came out to America
a few years ago, right?
And I first came out here to do stand-up.
But I didn't know if I would fit in
with the American comedy scene.
So I was in LA. I took myself
to the Comedy Store just to watch a show.
I wanted to see what it was like.
And all the acts that I saw,
they were all brilliant,
but the level of confidence
was odd.
Like, everyone comes out onstage like,
what's up, bitches?
And then they all do
this weird sort of racial profiling.
They go, what's up, bitches?
Where my Peruvians at?
And, like, I'm English, right?
So I do stand-up like I do sex.
My true instinct is to come out onstage
and go, sorry.
Thank you so much for letting me do this.
I promise it won't take long.
I'll just put my head down.
We'll plow through.
No, we don't have to make eye contact.
I'm as embarrassed as you are.
You don't have to pay me.
I'm just so grateful
you're letting me do it.
I will pay you.
That's too much, too far.
But now I've toured all over your country.
I've seen all the sights now.
I saw a man masturbating
outside a CVS
on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
But I've also seen bad things.
I've been everywhere now.
I've seen all the things.
I've been to the White House,
as I'm sure we all have.
It was a couple of years ago.
You might not know this,
but the people from "Ted Lasso"
were invited to the White House.
Yeah.
It was a different time,
different White House cast.
You remember when there
was that White House cast,
then there was a different cast,
and then the old cast got a new season?
Anyway, it was the middle cast,
and it was a big deal.
We were invited.
But one thing I didn't know
is that because of taxpayers...
Well done...
They don't really give
proper food or drink to guests
because it's a waste of taxpayer money,
which is very honorable.
I just wish they'd told us that
in advance,
because I didn't eat or drink
at all beforehand
because I assumed we were going
to live like kings.
Which I do appreciate is
the exact opposite reason
for that building existing.
We were there nine hours.
Hour eight, I was sat with the president,
going, are you sure?
Just a thimble of water?
Please, sir.
Let me Uber Eats.
What else did I want to tell you
that's relatable?
You know...
Thank you.
You know when you're
on "Sesame Street," right?
We've all done it. We've all done it.
So I did an episode of "Sesame Street,"
and I say this without irony.
This is not a joke.
I mean this with every bone in my body.
It was the best day of my life...
...which is all well and good,
but I have had
to continue living ever since.
And if I'm completely honest,
I do find myself most days
at some point, going,
I mean, what's
the fucking point anymore?
When I did "Sesame Street,"
people said to me,
oh, it doesn't get better than that.
I then went to the White House.
It doesn't get better than that.
Like, yes, I met the president,
but he's not Big Bird.
And I truly worry
that if I ever have a kid
and one day my kid says to me,
was the day I was born...
...the best day of your life?
I'll be like, no.
Obviously not.
Have you met fucking Elmo?
'Cause I have,
you arrogant piece of shit.
And if Joe Biden had
had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,
you'd be number three.
Interesting thing
about doing "Sesame Street"--
hell of a sentence.
Interesting thing--when I did it,
I had in my head who would be my favorite,
but when I actually did it,
they were not my favorite.
My favorite turned out
to be Cookie Monster.
Wasn't expecting it.
Cookie Monster really took me by surprise.
I was like, fucking hell, you're funny.
And on the way home, I was like,
why did I love Cookie Monster so much?
And then I thought about it,
and I was like,
oh, it's because Cookie Monster
is an addict.
But we are meeting him
at the point of addiction
where he's still fun.
Like, in a few months,
you don't want to be hanging out
with Cookie.
Cookie is a fucking nightmare very soon.
But right now he's, like, peak Cookie,
you know what I mean?
Like, I truly think they should do
an intervention episode of "Sesame Street"
where, like,
Big Bird goes back to his nest,
and the cash from underneath it
is missing.
There's, like, a cookie-crumb trail.
And Cookie Monster goes into the kitchen
and turns on the light,
and they're all lined up.
And Elmo is like, Elmo
thinks you have a problem.
I should have said this at the top.
I love your country.
You have to say that.
I love your country.
Yep. Okay.
I love your country. No notes.
No notes.
Everything seems well.
No notes.
One note, just one note,
but it's very, very small.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
My only note, and it's a very small one,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
I don't understand
your restroom situation.
Now, call me old-fashioned,
but I don't want to see you taking a shit.
I don't understand why your stall doors
cover the torso but nothing else.
So you can see dick and balls
and poo and face,
but not the chest because
that would be disgusting.
No, you're right.
And if that's not enough, don't panic,
because there is also always
a giant vertical gap all the way down
so you definitely get to see everything.
Every restroom I walk in,
I'm making eye contact
with a man straining.
You all right, mate?
Looks like you need more fiber.
You okay?
And very occasionally, you get lucky,
and you get those restrooms
where it's, like, a room,
and it has walls and a door.
But those toilets always have
a lock that's just a button
that you press.
And you have no idea
if that now means it's locked.
And the toilet is always so far away.
You're always like, is it safe?
Is it safe?
And the only way to check if it
is locked is to unlock it.
So...
...it's either permanently locked
or permanently unlocked.
It's like trying to do Schrodinger's shit.
In England, when we need a number two,
we go inside a bank vault in a submarine
under the River Thames...
...as Winston Churchill intended.
Two notes, just two notes.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing, I swear.
It's a small note,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but I find the way
that Americans finish phone calls
to be aggressive and abrupt.
In England,
it takes about 25 minutes
to finish a phone call.
We finish phone calls like this.
Thank you very much.
Lovely talking to you again.
Lots of love to everyone.
Yeah, good stuff.
Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow.
Yeah, lots of love to everyone.
Well done on everything.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
No, good night to you, sir.
Yes, okay. Lots of love.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Yeah, it was a good chat.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Thank you. Lots of love.
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
In America, you get
the information, you go, yep.
Every time I have a phone call
with an American, it ends,
and I think I've done
something terribly wrong.
I immediately text them--are we okay?
And they'll always write back,
all good, period, no kiss.
I'm like, fuck.
It's worse than I thought.
I'll text back--are we breaking up?
They'll be like, I'm your accountant.
What are you talking about?
I'm like, well, why are
you being such a cunt?
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Let's deal with what just happened.
I just very casually said the C-word.
Now, when I arrived at the airport,
I was told I might be deported
if I did that,
because, apparently, Americans
think that is a bad word.
May we be big and brave
and talk about this?
What the fuck is wrong with you cunts?
Cunt is my favorite part on a human being.
Why aren't you celebrating it?
In England, we use that word
for everything.
Like, yes, I can make it sound nasty,
like, who's this cunt?
But, like, if I see my best friend,
I'm like, cunt,
because I love him, you know what I mean?
And there's so much nuance to it.
You can use it in so many circumstances.
It's like snowflakes to Inuits.
It's like, imagine you've been
on a night out with the girls,
and you come home and your husband's
finally emptied the dishwasher.
And he leaves you a note
saying, you're welcome,
and you're like, you little cunt.
Or, like, when you finally meet
your wife's friend Sven,
who she's been playing
all that tennis with,
but she promised you
he was gay.
But when you finally meet him,
you're like, this cunt.
I hope it is now becoming clear
why I've actually been doing this tour.
I am trying to bring "cunt"
to America.
It's actually important work.
I did want to call
this show "The Cunt Mission."
But I was heavily advised against it
by everyone I know.
It's a bit like the phrase
"the state of it."
I don't know
if you have that here.
My dad...
He won't mind me saying this.
We're filming it. He'll be proud.
My dad is a massive pervert, and...
...if you ever meet my dad
and you're out with him,
he will just point out
attractive women all night.
And he'll go, fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Look at the state of it.
Nine months later, I was born.
Three notes, just three notes.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
And it's a very small note,
and I'm sure it's cultural.
As wonderful as it is here--
and it is truly wonderful--
I think, if we're honest,
sometimes it does feel a bit edgy.
Like, I don't always feel safe.
And...
I had this experience in New York.
I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this.
It was a few days ago, right?
I was out with a friend.
It was about half 12:00 at night,
and I said goodbye.
And I got the subway back to my hotel.
And the subway was
really packed, really busy.
And the train I was on
pulled into a station,
and everyone got off my carriage,
except for me and one other person.
And as the doors closed,
I had the overwhelming urge
to turn to that person and go...
...I'm gonna fucking kill you now.
I mean, I didn't, but I felt it,
and it was powerful.
I thought, maybe I've been here too long.
This next bit, I don't actually have
a segue for,
so I'll just take a pause.
My mum is really hot.
I have a hot mum.
I have a hot, sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
Tell us why you're in therapy, Brett.
I have a...
I have a hot, sexy, curvy,
sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
And, listen, do not be creeped out
by me saying this.
These are not my words.
These are the words of every single person
who has ever met my mum.
What happens is, people meet my mum.
Then they come to me, and they go,
oh, my God, I just met your mom.
She's so hot.
And to this day,
I do not know what I am meant to say
in response.
Am I meant to go...
...yeah!
Fucking right she is!
I've seen her naked, mate!
She might have stopped working,
but those titties haven't.
High five, high five, high five!
I've been inside her.
You know what I mean?
Oh, no.
Oh, what a shame. I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
What a shame.
It honestly happens
to me so much
that when people say it to me
whose mum is not hot,
I'm like, am I meant to go,
and your mother
has a cracking personality?
You're a good crowd, New Jersey.
You're a good crowd, and you seem...
I'm also vaguely distracted
by a child?
In the front row?
Are you a child?
Are you a human child?
Yeah.
How old is this child?
12.
You're 12. Okay. Well, you're gonna
learn so much, and...
And I'm happy to see you.
And when you talk to your therapist
about this one day,
just remember I meant well.
Thank you for being here.
But you do seem intelligent,
and you do seem like you can handle
the serious stuff.
I mean, I guess that's why you come
to comedy, isn't it?
We can talk about the serious stuff.
Fuck it.
So, look...
...been an awful lot going on
these last few years, right?
We've had the pandemic.
We've had wars.
And worse than all of that, we've had men.
Men is bad.
Men is like, oh, boy.
Like, men is bad.
And I think I'm up to date on everything
with the Time's Up and the MeToo,
and the "not you as well."
And, look, here's the truth.
I don't mind sharing it with you.
You all seem like smart people.
I'll tell you the fucking truth.
I always knew that men were bad.
I did, because we have
secret meetings on Tuesdays,
and we brag about it at the CVS.
But...
...I did not know that they were this bad
in this amount.
And the more I read and the more I hear,
the more I feel sort of embarrassed
when I introduce myself to people.
Like, I sort of want to go,
well, obviously, I'm a man,
but I'm not...
I'm not a man.
And I realize it must be what it's like
to be German...
...for the last 75 to 80 years,
because everyone you meet,
you're going, well, see,
I'm German, but I'm not...
I'm not a Nazi.
And everyone's going,
are you sure?
Because you have got
blonde hair, blue eyes,
and you are incredibly efficient.
And you're like, no, no, no, no.
But I high-five straight up like normal.
That's how you can tell.
It's in the high-fives.
Just ask Elon.
But it's like, it's getting worse.
Like, every day I read something.
Like, I feel like I'm on the wrong team.
Like, it's embarrassing.
Like, in Japan, some men
have started marrying pillows
because they can't cope
with women.
What the fuck is going on?
And, look, I am very aware
that me even talking about this onstage
is, in itself, problematic
because, spoiler alert, I am a man.
Some of you might be thinking,
what is he up to?
What is this sick fuck's angle?
Like, is this like Darth Vader
coming out here and going,
Stormtroopers are bad.
All back to the Death Star.
You're safe with me.
That impression is not getting better.
I've been working on that for six months.
I would argue it's getting
worse and worse.
But all this men stuff
is stressing me out.
It's truly stressing me out.
And the more I speak to people about it,
the more I hear and the more I read,
I'm like, I don't think
there's a solution to this,
other than I think...
I think you're gonna have to kill
all the men.
And it doesn't have to be nasty.
It does not have to be ugly.
You just get a load of porn
and sex robots and pillows,
chuck them in the ocean,
and the men will just file in,
one after the other.
And, look, I am saying this publicly
because I do hope
that when you enact this cull,
you will keep me around as a mascot.
And I'll be very good.
I will cook, and I will clean.
And you won't hear a word out of me.
And if at some point
in your new society of only women
you do decide you want to procreate,
obviously, I'm not gonna get sex.
Wouldn't want it, wouldn't ask for it.
But if you do want to procreate,
just give me a nod,
and I'll leave a little pot of cum
in a safe space.
Interesting discovery
being English in your country...
I can say "little pot of cum"...
...and you think it's charming.
"Little pot of cum" in an English accent
sounds like a kids' book.
"The Little Pot of Cum Who Could."
That bit doesn't work
with an American accent.
Like, I leave her a little pot of cum.
You're like, oh, God!
Please don't do that, sir.
Please, no, keep your cum
to yourself, young man.
I've never seen "Downton Abbey,"
but I know it's huge over here.
I just assume every episode is like,
Your Lordship, little pot of cum?
What shall we take for Thanksgiving?
Little pot of cum?
The christening soon--Never mind.
But I think toxic masculinity is real.
I think it's a real thing.
I think it comes, certainly,
from men of my generation and above.
It's because we were raised
not to be open,
not to be vulnerable,
that that's bad, that that's weak.
So one of the only things
we can do to combat that is,
I think we all need to learn
how to share more.
But you ever shared
something with a friend,
and then they've shared something back,
and then you thought, my God,
I wish we'd never shared?
Because I have a ex-friend.
I have an ex-friend
because of our little sharing session.
There's a guy I've known all my life.
I went to school with him,
so we grew up together.
He's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
If we met now,
we probably wouldn't be friends,
but I grew up with him,
so he's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
He's the sort of guy
you say has a heart of gold,
which is a phrase you never use for people
who have a heart of gold.
"Heart of gold" is a phrase
like, "can I be honest?"
"Can I be honest?" never ends nice.
"Can I be honest?"
never ends in "I love you."
"Can I be honest?"
always ends with something like,
"The sound of you eating
makes me want to kill myself."
Anyway, friend from school,
known him all my life, heart of gold.
And just a few years ago,
I have this kind of revelation.
I'm like, we know nothing
about each other.
We actually know nothing.
We've grown up together.
We never talk about anything.
And I said, should we try something?
I said, let's go out.
We'll have a few drinks,
and let's try and sort of talk
about how we feel and shit.
And he said, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
And I said, we'll see.
And we went out.
We had a few drinks, and I went first.
I said something out loud
I'd never said before.
I was talking
about my girlfriend at the time,
and I said, I think I love her.
I feel like I love her.
But when I'm out, I am attracted
to other people all the time.
I don't know if that's natural,
that's human nature,
or if that means
I don't actually love her.
And he said, yeah.
He said, yeah.
I know what you mean, actually.
He said, sometimes...
...when it gets
a bit much with my wife,
in my lunch break,
I'll go downtown,
I'll go down an alley,
and I'll get sucked off by a whore.
And I was like, yeah.
Similar, similar...
...similar stor--
I can see how my story
led to your story.
Yeah, similar.
And I thought, I actually
don't know what to say now.
He's properly stumped me.
Like, I probably shouldn't shame him.
It's all that shame
sending him down alleys.
But at the same time,
I have heard, as men,
we are supposed to call each other out.
So I said to him, look...
mate...
...we don't say "whore."
So, look...
I worry...
I worry...
I worry...
...that my fear of embarrassment...
...is far greater than my instinct
to save a life.
Where I live, there's this dog
that lives in my road.
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. Good dog.
It doesn't live in the road.
Like, it is housed.
Like, it has a roommate.
It lives with this woman.
But sometimes the dog will be in the road.
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. It's a good dog.
So, whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will--
- What word do you say?
- Pet.
Pet. You say, pet, right, yeah?
Here is my question for you all.
Did you all just run out of verbs?
Like, it is a pet.
You're not dogging your dog,
you know what I mean?
It makes it sound so creepy.
Like, do you want to go out
to the farm and pig the pigs?
No, thank you, Americans.
Thank you.
So gross.
So, anyway, I like this dog,
so whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will stroke it.
That sounds worse.
That's wor--Oh, no, look, whenever...
I'll stop, and I will touch it.
No.
I will scruffle it up.
Like, I will get my hands on that dog.
No, you don't--
Like, I'm not--
Don't look at me like that.
I don't want the takeaway
of this show being,
he can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
There's nothing going on between me and--
It's platonic between me and the dog,
to be clear, all right?
At least for myself.
I can't speak for the dog.
I'm not putting words in the dog's--
I'm not putting anything
in the dog's mouth, okay?
Can't a man and a dog be friends
without the sex part getting in the way?
I believe so, yes.
All right?
So, whenever I see this dog,
I will stop,
and I will wave, all right?
I just wave from afar.
And one day, I'm out in the street,
and I see the dog with the woman,
and I stop and have a chat
with the woman, not the dog.
And the woman says,
I've got to run an errand.
Are you around for a bit?
Do you want to take the dog for a walk?
And I said, I'd love to.
And it was the first time
I'd been alone with the dog,
which I am absolutely allowed to be.
I have a certificate.
And I have the dog on a lead.
And I walk the dog to the park.
And I go right into the middle
of the park.
And then I took the lead off.
And the dog immediately bolted
straight towards the main road.
And there was, like,
loads of people around.
And I thought like, oh, like--
I don't want to make a scene.
Like, one of my biggest fears
is becoming a GIF that gets passed around,
like, fucking hell!
You know what I mean?
So I thought...
I thought, I'm just gonna let it die.
I thought I'd just have to say to her,
oh, the car came out of nowhere,
but it didn't.
It's a very straight road.
I saw it about a quarter of a mile away.
Oh, I didn't hear it coming.
It wasn't electric.
It was a gas-guzzling machine.
And it really made me think,
I actually must not have children...
...because if I ever had, like,
a dickhead kid,
if I ever had, like, a real dickhead kid
and I was out with my dickhead kid
and my dickhead kid
was causing chaos somewhere
and someone was like, whose is this?
I'd be like...
I don't know.
He seems awful.
And you'd know it was mine.
It would be so hairy.
It's a little werewolf kid
running around like Eddie Munster.
Are you sure you don't know him?
Never seen him in my life.
Why is he calling you "Daddy"?
Get off me, Brett Junior!
Now, look, New Jersey...
...I heard your noises,
so I realized I'm going to have
to say this.
Otherwise, you're not going to be able
to enjoy the rest of the show.
The dog survived, all right?
All right?
Yes.
You think you're so tough,
but then you can't handle a story
where a dog might have died.
The dog is absolutely fine, okay?
What really happened is,
the dog ran this way,
and the dog ran that way,
and we had a lovely walk.
And then I took the dog home,
and we made love, okay?
It was a happy ending for both of us.
Why do you think my child is so hairy?
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary add-on.
I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
What's that?
My biceps?
Oh, yeah. No, I've been--
Yeah, I've been working out, but--
Well, I have to
because I've got to hold this for so long.
Yeah.
Well, we can talk about it if you want.
All right.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I go to the gym.
Sorry about it.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I'll talk about it, fine.
I go to the gym.
I go to the gym regularly.
I go to the gym
for spiritual reasons, actually.
I go because I would like
to look good naked.
But, truthfully,
the gym that I go to...
I don't actually like this gym.
I sort of hate it.
I only go to it
because it's the nearest one.
But it's a real sort
of testosterone-y gym,
if that's not a pizza.
It's like a real sort
of testosterone-y and cheese
deep-dish gym,
you know what I mean?
Like, it's always sort of men
just fucking standing around,
fucking moody, staring at each other.
And all I ever want to use
is the weights machine,
and there'll always be
someone on it for hours.
And, eventually, I'll be like,
can I jump in on that?
And they'll be like, fuck off.
And I'll be like, yeah, cool, cool, cool.
I'll just keep doing
body-weight squats.
But something happened
the other day at the gym.
This is completely true.
And this just shows you
the power of music.
Now, I don't know if this was an accident,
someone did this deliberately,
or the playlist was
just on random shuffle,
but the song that was playing
in the gym was this...
Everyone fucking menacing,
staring each other out,
lifting weights,
looking fucking moody.
And then the next song came on,
and it was this...
And everything changed.
I don't know if you've ever seen a man
lift weights wistfully.
It's a thing.
Man doing push-ups started weeping.
Man on the treadmill
stopped doing hill sprints
and started looking within.
And then the man by the weights machine
came over to me,
and he went, sorry,
I've been so aggressive, bro.
I think it's because my mum didn't give me
enough attention as a child.
I said, I get that.
He said, do you want
to use the weights?
I said, let's use them together.
Lovely.
True story.
True story, word for word.
I guess the real weights
were the friends
we made along the way.
I did, actually, end up making friends
with one of these guys.
You know, there's a thing
with men who work out at the gym.
There's a bit I must miss
when people work out too much,
where it sort of goes big,
bigger, pyramid, you know what I mean?
Like, sort of, big,
bigger, human Toblerone.
And...
I made friends with one
of these Toblerone guys, right?
And we used to chat a bit after a workout,
and then he disappeared for a few months.
Didn't see him.
Then he came back, and I was like,
where have you been?
And it turned out,
he had taken himself to China
to train to become,
like, a Shaolin warrior or something.
And he came back.
I said, how was it?
He said, yeah, it was
fucking amazing, actually.
They used to wake us
at 3:00 in the morning
and beat us with sacks.
I said, that sounds incredible.
And he said, I can kick really high now.
And I was like, cool.
I said, how high can you kick?
And he said, I could kick you
in the fucking head.
Interesting unit of measurement.
But he told me something
that I completely believed.
He told me
that because he'd done this training,
now, if he was ever in a bar or anywhere
and someone were to start
a fight with him,
that now, legally,
he had to say three times
that he was a lethal weapon...
...before he could engage in combat.
Nothing would escalate
a fight quicker...
...than someone saying,
I'm a lethal weapon.
What's that? Did you hear me?
Oh, yeah, we all heard you.
Well, listen again. I'm a lethal weapon.
Should we go outside?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm a lethal weapon.
What are you--
Douchebag Beetlejuice?
But I actually believed him.
It kind of made sense to me.
It's only recently it occurred to me
that if that is true,
that means if one day he kills someone,
then in a court of law,
the judge can just be like,
excuse me, sir, can I check?
Did you say you were
a lethal weapon three times?
I did, yeah.
Case dismissed. Not guilty.
She was asleep when I said it,
but I did say it.
She's not real.
The dog survived.
When will you trust me?
So, of all the issues
we have in the world,
and we do have so many,
if I may be sincere for a moment,
I think that we have one major issue
that all our other issues stem from,
and that issue
is wealth inequality.
I think the gap between rich
and poor is insane.
It seems to be getting worse,
and I think all of our problems
come from that.
And I think the only way
we can truly start to deal with that is,
I believe
we need to tax the rich.
And...
It's something
I'm very passionate about.
I've been on lots of marches
with my friends about it.
And...
And then a couple
of years ago...
...I got a job...
...and it was the first time in my life
I'd been sort of fairly well paid.
And I found myself on one
of these marches with my friends.
And I was like, tax the rich!
Tax the rich! Tax...
Maybe deal with them
on an individual, case-by-case basis.
Like, let's hear them out.
Some of them probably got good hearts,
hearts of gold, if you will.
But I'll tell you the truth, right?
So I was involved in "Ted Lasso," right?
And...
Thank you very much.
And I will be forever grateful for it.
It truly changed my life.
I had been working for years
and years before that.
Turns out, it makes quite a big difference
when people actually watch the thing.
Previous to "Ted Lasso,"
I'd just sort of been making stuff
and kind of kicking it down a well.
Like, see you later, my 20s.
Absolute waste of time.
So I did "Ted Lasso,"
and it changed my life,
and I feel very privileged.
And people often come up to me,
and they say, like, what's next?
What have you got going on next?
And since you've been
very generous to me, actually,
I will share with you an exclusive.
But you can't tell anyone
because the special
won't come out for a while.
Like, I've been in LA.
I've been pitching a show.
I'm really excited, but you can't--
I haven't sold it yet. I've come close.
Anyway, I'll tell you.
So the next show
that I want to make...
...is a show called "MDMA Fighting."
And what it is...
you take two highly skilled
MMA fighters,
you dose them up with MDMA
30 minutes before a match,
then half hour later, you stick them
in a cage together, and you go, go.
And they walk towards each other like...
You are so big.
Your skin is so tight.
And the referee's like, come on!
And he pushes them together.
But they just start
nuzzling each other's necks
and squeezing each other's head.
And he's like, break it up!
And they're like, leave us alone!
And they're just cuddling
and cuddling and cuddling.
They won't let go of each other.
And they're cuddling
and cuddling, cuddling.
And they end up down on the ground.
They're cuddling.
And then they lie there arm in arm,
and then they look up,
and one of them goes...
It's a cage.
And the other one goes,
when you think about it,
is it all a cage?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, yeah.
The pitches are going well, you know.
Mark Cuban is a yes, so we'll see.
Just a warning,
this next thing I'm gonna say
is the most controversial thing
I'm gonna say tonight,
so just strap in.
Like, we'll get through this bit,
and then it's easy
from here on out, all right?
Well, look, I'm gonna say this...
...because I do actually think
it's important to speak your truth,
and I don't want to pretend
I'm something I'm not anymore.
So I'm just gonna say it,
then it's been said, okay?
I love musicals.
All right?
I love musicals.
I'm not gonna pretend I don't anymore.
I do actually love musicals.
I love musicals, but I hate plays.
Plays are boring, and you all know it.
Once you've enjoyed a musical,
it's very difficult to get back to a play.
Once you've experienced the majesty
of "Defying Gravity,"
very difficult to get anything
out of, "To be or not to be."
You're talking.
Plays are boring.
Plays are boring.
And anyone who tells you otherwise
is lying to you and themselves.
Chekhov can fuck off.
And Shakespeare...
why are we still talking about this cunt?
I went to see "Romeo and Juliet."
It is an exact rip-off
of "West Side Story."
You think I'm not gonna notice
'cause you took the clicking out, William?
Come on!
And if Shakespeare
is such a genius writer,
let's talk about the plotting
of "Romeo and Juliet."
First two acts, fine.
Star-crossed lovers, fine.
Then what happens is, Juliet says,
I want to marry Romeo.
Her dad says no,
and he locks her in a bedroom
with a priest and a nurse.
Okay.
She says, what will I do?
The priest says, I've got an idea.
Never a good sign when a priest says
to a child, I have an idea.
He says, I've got this poison.
I haven't really tried it,
but I'm pretty sure if you take it,
you'll be dead for 48 hours.
They'll have a funeral. They'll mourn you.
They'll leave you in a crypt.
And then in two days,
Romeo can come along.
You'll wake up,
and you two can run off.
If Shakespeare is such a good writer,
the next line should be Juliet saying...
...does anyone have
any other ideas?
That sounds fucking mental.
No, Juliet, it's always
the most obvious thing.
It's got to be the 48-hour poison thing.
Can we not just sneak out the back?
No, sorry. It's got to be
the old 48-hour poison.
What, you're saying
they'll have a funeral?
Yeah.
What if they cremate me?
You're overthinking it, Juliet.
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
They're both gibberish, right?
This is how low people's bar
was for entertainment.
In the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
doesn't matter which--
in the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"
one of the characters says this...
"Well, yes...
as the hare, the lion."
And people laughed.
I was fucking fuming.
I was stalking the aisles,
like, are you fucking kidding me?
This is seriously doing it for you?
I said, take yourself
to an open-mic comedy night,
listen to someone ask
where the Peruvians are at,
and it'll blow the brains
out of your head.
And, look, I am well aware
that one day I will do a play,
and this clip will be used against me.
But let me be very clear.
I never said it isn't fun to do a play.
It's really fun to do a play.
It's just boring to watch them.
Please come see my play.
I hate plays,
but I love musicals,
'cause a musical is like
a play where stuff happens.
But as much as I love a musical,
and I do love a musical,
I could never be in a musical.
And it's not because
I can't sing or dance.
I can't.
It's more because
as much as I love a musical,
I could never do the face...
...that every actor has to do
at the start of every musical
without wanting
to, you know, self-harm.
Since we're filming this,
I will try it for you, right?
I'm gonna try the face.
Now, you've all seen a musical, right?
Some are silly. Some are difficult.
Some are deep. Some are frivolous.
All musicals begin
with an actor coming onstage,
doing this face.
New York City, I made it!
Fuck it, I'll be sick in my own mouth.
All right, we are now
at the relationship section of the show.
Do we have any marrieds here?
So many marrieds.
Are you a married?
How long have you been married?
Almost 30 years.
Almost 30 fucking years? Respect.
That sounds like a record.
Can anyone beat that?
47!
40-fucking-7 over here.
This is now a very weird auction.
No one wins anything, but...
...but you do win our respect.
47, listen, I am not going
to make fun of the marrieds.
I got nothing but respect
for the marrieds.
I've never been married.
I never made a vow
in front of God or the law.
But you did,
and I'm sure you meant it...
...at the time.
I've never been married.
And the truth is,
I never wanted to be married.
And it's only recently
it occurs to me why.
And I think it's actually
'cause of comedy.
I think comedy ruined marriage for me,
'cause I grew up obsessed
with stand-up and sitcoms,
which means my whole life,
I saw one stereotype of what marriage is.
I thought what marriage is, is where a man
lives in a house with a woman
who never, ever, ever wants
to have sex with him again.
You know what I mean?
Like, all sitcoms, they're always like,
Debra, why ain't we fucking?
You know what I mean? Like...
Thursdays on NBC...
...Frigid Frida is back.
You know what I mean?
And I always thought,
I mean, I like sex.
That sounds awful.
Why would you do that?
But, recently,
I've been speaking
to lots of straight couples
in long-term relationships,
and I've been asking them
about their sex lives
because I am a pervert...
...and I don't understand
the basics of small talk.
And what I have discovered
in the overwhelming majority
is that this stereotype
is the wrong way around.
Most of the men I speak to are like,
yeah, we have enough sex.
Most of the women think
they're not having enough sex.
And the reason it's gone
so deathly quiet...
...is because that is true.
Holy fuck, that was tense.
So, if that is the case,
and, oh, boy, it definitely is...
...then why is it the case now?
Luckily, I have a theory.
Otherwise, this bit would go nowhere.
I think it's because sex is weird, right?
Sex is weird, particularly how I do it.
Like...
Guys, the dog survived.
No, look...
Sex is weird.
Sex is weird, particularly starting sex.
I find the beginning of sex so stressful.
I feel the same way about sex
as I do about taking ecstasy.
Like, in the build-up, I'm always nervous.
Oh, God, I hope
it's all gonna be all right.
Once I'm doing it, I'm like,
why aren't I always doing this?
And it's because these are two
very different states of being, right?
One is like being a human.
One is like being an animal.
It's quite a big hump you have to get over
to get from one state to the other.
And everyone has to do it.
Like, even, like, someone doing
a TED Talk, right?
Someone doing a TED Talk.
So they're like, oh, yes,
the universe or whatever.
That same person,
just a couple of hours later,
can be like this...
That's not how I do it, just to be--
I'm trying to make a point.
This isn't exactly--
You know, it's just an exaggeration.
Everyone has to do it.
Smart people--
Albert Einstein one day
was like, E equals MC-squared.
And then later, he was like...
Such a big hump to get
from one state to the other.
That's why I think being sexually rejected
is the most humiliating thing,
'cause it's like,
you're on a date with someone,
and you misread the cues, and you're like,
oh, time to become the animal.
So you put on paws and a monkey mask,
and you try to get over the hump.
And she's like,
what do you think you're doing?
And you're like, absolutely nothing,
nothing at all, nothing at all.
I was enjoying all the conversing.
More, please.
It was like watching a play.
I loved it.
And that's why I think
in the beginning of a relationship,
it's easy for a man to initiate sex,
because she doesn't know you.
So you can tell yourself,
I'm a big, strong animal.
I'm a big, strong monkey animal man.
And you can get over that hump
and initiate sex.
But once you've been with someone
for, like...
...three weeks...
...every time you're gearing up
to get over that hump,
part of you is going,
I'm a big, strong monkey animal.
I'm a big, strong animal,
but she did see me cry
through the finale
of "The Great British Bake Off."
Those beautiful fucking scones.
So I've never been married, right?
But I think I've done...
I've tried most of the kind
of relationships you can do.
I've done short-term, medium-term,
long-term, lease.
The furthest I ever got is,
last year, I lived with someone.
And living with someone
was a real game changer,
because previous to that,
I thought what having a girlfriend was--
I thought that's
where you meet up with someone
three or four times a week,
and when you meet up with them,
you show them the 4% of yourself
that is acceptable for public consumption.
And when you feel the 96% bubbling up,
you say, I've had a lovely time.
Let's catch up soon.
You rush home, you close the door,
and you regenerate.
She was in my house.
Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.
She thought I was a fucking weirdo
'cause I cook everything in a wok.
But, like, if it's good enough
for stir fry,
it's good enough for oatmeal.
And I have a system for getting dressed
that used to drive her insane.
I'm gonna share this system with you,
and it will change your lives.
This is how I get dressed, right?
The end of the day,
when I'm finished with my clothes,
I take them off,
and I put them in the washer.
When the washing is full, I turn it on.
I then move everything to the dryer,
and I turn that on.
And then when that's done,
I then get dressed out of the dryer,
and the cycle continues.
What I am not doing is wasting my life
on this middleman we call drawers.
I'm not taking all the clothes.
Quick, we must hide our other clothes.
People are coming to the house.
If they see we have other clothes,
they'll kill us.
They must never know that we have
more clothes than what we're wearing.
Quick! Hide them properly.
Take them fully upstairs.
You must hide them and fold them.
Put them in boxes.
They must never see we have other clothes.
Oh, my God do you know what I need?
Some of those other clothes.
I better go back up the stairs
and open the boxes and unfold the thing.
The years and years that I have saved.
Do you want to know how I won two Emmys?
Because I had fucking time.
So I'm single now.
No, I'm single by choice.
Her choice.
No, it was actually mutual.
We came to the mutual agreement
that I was a prick
and she should marry her ex, but...
No, it's fine. She's dead.
That, you're delighted by?
This is a strange group of people.
69!
69!
69!
It's another 45 minutes of this.
69, the sex move.
69, the position.
Not for me.
I hate it, in case you're wondering.
Literally, no one asked.
I'm telling you anyway.
I hate a 69. I hate a 69.
And I'll tell you for why.
I can't rub my belly
and pat my head at the same time.
It's sex.
It's not Cirque du fucking Soleil.
Like, yes, it's important to share,
but you can take turns.
A 69 always ends in an 11...
Just two people lying next to each other,
feeling smelly and ashamed.
I much prefer a 16...
...which is bum sex
with a pregnant lady.
I don't know if that's making the edit.
Fucking hell.
All right, we should probably start
wrapping up fairly soon.
So, look, the last thing
I want to tell you about...
I talked about love and relationships.
One thing I haven't told you
is I once truly, genuinely experienced
love at first sight.
I went to this party.
This woman turned around.
Our eyes locked, and I was like,
shit, fuck, I'm in love.
Like, that's a real thing,
love at first sight, right?
If you're in a couple not nodding at that,
that is a long drive home.
Did you hear what he said?
Yeah, I heard.
He can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
Honestly, I met this woman.
Our eyes locked.
It's embarrassing
what happened in my head.
When I saw this woman, the first thought
I had was, oh, nothing matters.
We can just live in fields
and eat berries.
And me and this woman got together.
And now, this woman, she's
half Irish and half Chinese,
which means she's incredibly beautiful
and I am never allowed
to do an impression of her.
Where are all my "Chirish" at?
Anyway...
So we got together, and we were in love.
I think this is love.
Is this love?
Is love when you text each other
back and forth all day--
text, text, text, text, text, text, text,
text, text, text, text, text, text, text--
and then if, at some point, she doesn't
immediately reply to one of your texts,
you're like, right,
she's having an affair?
Right, she's not texted back.
She has a dick in her. Okay.
And it's a bigger dick than mine.
She's finally satisfied. Okay.
Oh, another dick must have joined,
so her hands are full.
She can't send a text. Okay.
Oh, another dick must have joined,
and now it's in her mouth.
Otherwise, she'd tell Siri
to drop me a line.
I knew this would happen.
I'm a fucking idiot.
And then 25 minutes later,
she texts back, sorry, baby.
I was at the gym.
Miss you.
And you're like, all right, a bit needy.
Is that love?
And there's a real madness
to this kind of love.
Like, I look back at the texts
we were sending each other.
I'm like, are these love notes
or death threats?
Like, the insane things
you say to each other,
like, I can't wait to be back with you.
I can't wait to be kissing you.
I can't wait to be on top of you.
I can't wait to cut off your skin
and wear you as a Slanket.
And you sort of lose all reason.
You kind of lie in bed together.
Like, we actually don't have
to go to work today, do we?
We don't have to go to work.
We're in love.
As if your boss is in the office going,
where's Brett today?
Oh, he can't come in, sir.
He's in love.
We must give him paid time off.
And you become really sort of dirty.
You just sort of lie there,
like, don't leave the bed.
Don't go have a shower.
We can just lie here passing
back and forth the same UTI.
Cranberry juice, my angel?
Now, it may not shock you to discover
that that relationship ended.
And when it ended, I spoke to my sister.
Now, my sister is the opposite of me.
My sister, she's married.
She's got children. She's happy.
And I said to her,
I said, was I wrong about this?
And she said, Brett, you're wrong
about literally everything.
And I said, no, was I wrong about love?
And she said, yeah, of course
you were wrong about love.
She said, love is...
she said, when you find your soulmate,
you will feel completely at peace.
And I was like...
Then that definitely wasn't love.
That was a fucking nightmare.
I don't think I slept.
And I've thought about it a lot because
I suspect that she's probably right.
But if my sister's right,
that means
that all your favorite love songs,
none of them are actually about love.
These are all just songs about addiction.
They're all just Cookie Monster songs.
You know what I mean?
You know the types of songs, where
it's like, our love is a roller coaster.
The house is on fire.
Let's cut our dicks off.
You know what I mean?
Because if my sister is right,
then all love songs
should go like this.
I feel so comfortable
Sitting on a couch with you
Watching a box set for an hour
Maybe watch another one, too
If you have to work late at the office
I won't criticize
'Cause I trust you,
and I know you love me
And for you, my penis is the right size
For you, my penis is the right size
Thank you very much, New Jersey!
Good night!
Brett, great show.
Thanks, Mo.
Hey, do you know if the red squirrel came?
No. The Red Squirrel didn't come.
- What about Big Bear?
- No.
Crazy Orange Bird?
Hot Dogs?
No, Brett.
Okay.
Well, at least Buddy G was there.
Brett, we've been over this.
These friends of yours, they're not real.
Okay.
I'll see you at the diner.
Yeah.
Cool.
Great show, Brett!
You were fantastic.
- You were just wonderful.
- Wow.
- Okay, good!
- So many bad words! Loved it!
Yeah, we're going
to the diner to celebrate.
- Come on.
- You're very bad at impressions.
- Oi! Don't be rude.
- Clear off. Be nice.
- We'll meet you at the diner.
- Yeah, you try following your dreams.
Hey. You did good.
Thanks, Buddy G.
I didn't think you'd come.
Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Come on, let's go get something to eat.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Come on, Buddy.
American stand-up specials,
the way the comic
always seemed so cool,
smoking a cigarette
even if they don't smoke,
pulling up outside a packed venue
with not a care in the world.
Hey, I get it.
Life moves fast,
so you got to walk slow.
But it's my time now,
time for me to do my first special.
It's time for me to shine.
Hey, sweetheart.
How's your mother?
Time for me to show everyone
what the fuck I've got.
Brett, let's go. Showtime. Come on.
I don't know why I said I'd do this.
I don't want to do this.
There's too many people out there.
I don't want to do a special.
- It's insane to do a special--
- Pull yourself together!
Like I was saying, time to show them
what I'm made of...
Oi!
- Have a great show, Brett.
- Cheers, Buddy G.
Just have fun!
In the greatest place
on Earth, New Jersey.
New Jersey, how are you?
All right, then.
Let's start with my name.
My name is Brett Goldstein.
That is my real name.
And where I come from
in London, England,
that's quite an exotic name.
No one knows a Brett Goldstein.
I've come to the East Coast.
Do you know who knows
a Brett Goldstein?
Everyone.
Everyone knows
a Brett Goldstein.
And not just that, but, apparently,
Brett Goldstein is the name
of the guy who first fingered you
at summer camp.
So...
...just here to continue a great
and important tradition.
Thank you for having me.
I first came out to America
a few years ago, right?
And I first came out here to do stand-up.
But I didn't know if I would fit in
with the American comedy scene.
So I was in LA. I took myself
to the Comedy Store just to watch a show.
I wanted to see what it was like.
And all the acts that I saw,
they were all brilliant,
but the level of confidence
was odd.
Like, everyone comes out onstage like,
what's up, bitches?
And then they all do
this weird sort of racial profiling.
They go, what's up, bitches?
Where my Peruvians at?
And, like, I'm English, right?
So I do stand-up like I do sex.
My true instinct is to come out onstage
and go, sorry.
Thank you so much for letting me do this.
I promise it won't take long.
I'll just put my head down.
We'll plow through.
No, we don't have to make eye contact.
I'm as embarrassed as you are.
You don't have to pay me.
I'm just so grateful
you're letting me do it.
I will pay you.
That's too much, too far.
But now I've toured all over your country.
I've seen all the sights now.
I saw a man masturbating
outside a CVS
on a sunny Tuesday afternoon.
But I've also seen bad things.
I've been everywhere now.
I've seen all the things.
I've been to the White House,
as I'm sure we all have.
It was a couple of years ago.
You might not know this,
but the people from "Ted Lasso"
were invited to the White House.
Yeah.
It was a different time,
different White House cast.
You remember when there
was that White House cast,
then there was a different cast,
and then the old cast got a new season?
Anyway, it was the middle cast,
and it was a big deal.
We were invited.
But one thing I didn't know
is that because of taxpayers...
Well done...
They don't really give
proper food or drink to guests
because it's a waste of taxpayer money,
which is very honorable.
I just wish they'd told us that
in advance,
because I didn't eat or drink
at all beforehand
because I assumed we were going
to live like kings.
Which I do appreciate is
the exact opposite reason
for that building existing.
We were there nine hours.
Hour eight, I was sat with the president,
going, are you sure?
Just a thimble of water?
Please, sir.
Let me Uber Eats.
What else did I want to tell you
that's relatable?
You know...
Thank you.
You know when you're
on "Sesame Street," right?
We've all done it. We've all done it.
So I did an episode of "Sesame Street,"
and I say this without irony.
This is not a joke.
I mean this with every bone in my body.
It was the best day of my life...
...which is all well and good,
but I have had
to continue living ever since.
And if I'm completely honest,
I do find myself most days
at some point, going,
I mean, what's
the fucking point anymore?
When I did "Sesame Street,"
people said to me,
oh, it doesn't get better than that.
I then went to the White House.
It doesn't get better than that.
Like, yes, I met the president,
but he's not Big Bird.
And I truly worry
that if I ever have a kid
and one day my kid says to me,
was the day I was born...
...the best day of your life?
I'll be like, no.
Obviously not.
Have you met fucking Elmo?
'Cause I have,
you arrogant piece of shit.
And if Joe Biden had
had Flamin' Hot Cheetos,
you'd be number three.
Interesting thing
about doing "Sesame Street"--
hell of a sentence.
Interesting thing--when I did it,
I had in my head who would be my favorite,
but when I actually did it,
they were not my favorite.
My favorite turned out
to be Cookie Monster.
Wasn't expecting it.
Cookie Monster really took me by surprise.
I was like, fucking hell, you're funny.
And on the way home, I was like,
why did I love Cookie Monster so much?
And then I thought about it,
and I was like,
oh, it's because Cookie Monster
is an addict.
But we are meeting him
at the point of addiction
where he's still fun.
Like, in a few months,
you don't want to be hanging out
with Cookie.
Cookie is a fucking nightmare very soon.
But right now he's, like, peak Cookie,
you know what I mean?
Like, I truly think they should do
an intervention episode of "Sesame Street"
where, like,
Big Bird goes back to his nest,
and the cash from underneath it
is missing.
There's, like, a cookie-crumb trail.
And Cookie Monster goes into the kitchen
and turns on the light,
and they're all lined up.
And Elmo is like, Elmo
thinks you have a problem.
I should have said this at the top.
I love your country.
You have to say that.
I love your country.
Yep. Okay.
I love your country. No notes.
No notes.
Everything seems well.
No notes.
One note, just one note,
but it's very, very small.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
My only note, and it's a very small one,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
I don't understand
your restroom situation.
Now, call me old-fashioned,
but I don't want to see you taking a shit.
I don't understand why your stall doors
cover the torso but nothing else.
So you can see dick and balls
and poo and face,
but not the chest because
that would be disgusting.
No, you're right.
And if that's not enough, don't panic,
because there is also always
a giant vertical gap all the way down
so you definitely get to see everything.
Every restroom I walk in,
I'm making eye contact
with a man straining.
You all right, mate?
Looks like you need more fiber.
You okay?
And very occasionally, you get lucky,
and you get those restrooms
where it's, like, a room,
and it has walls and a door.
But those toilets always have
a lock that's just a button
that you press.
And you have no idea
if that now means it's locked.
And the toilet is always so far away.
You're always like, is it safe?
Is it safe?
And the only way to check if it
is locked is to unlock it.
So...
...it's either permanently locked
or permanently unlocked.
It's like trying to do Schrodinger's shit.
In England, when we need a number two,
we go inside a bank vault in a submarine
under the River Thames...
...as Winston Churchill intended.
Two notes, just two notes.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing, I swear.
It's a small note,
and I'm sure this is cultural.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but I find the way
that Americans finish phone calls
to be aggressive and abrupt.
In England,
it takes about 25 minutes
to finish a phone call.
We finish phone calls like this.
Thank you very much.
Lovely talking to you again.
Lots of love to everyone.
Yeah, good stuff.
Yeah, we'll speak tomorrow.
Yeah, lots of love to everyone.
Well done on everything.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay.
No, good night to you, sir.
Yes, okay. Lots of love.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Yeah, it was a good chat.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Thank you. Lots of love.
Okay, thank you, thank you.
Okay, thank you. Goodbye.
In America, you get
the information, you go, yep.
Every time I have a phone call
with an American, it ends,
and I think I've done
something terribly wrong.
I immediately text them--are we okay?
And they'll always write back,
all good, period, no kiss.
I'm like, fuck.
It's worse than I thought.
I'll text back--are we breaking up?
They'll be like, I'm your accountant.
What are you talking about?
I'm like, well, why are
you being such a cunt?
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Let's deal with what just happened.
I just very casually said the C-word.
Now, when I arrived at the airport,
I was told I might be deported
if I did that,
because, apparently, Americans
think that is a bad word.
May we be big and brave
and talk about this?
What the fuck is wrong with you cunts?
Cunt is my favorite part on a human being.
Why aren't you celebrating it?
In England, we use that word
for everything.
Like, yes, I can make it sound nasty,
like, who's this cunt?
But, like, if I see my best friend,
I'm like, cunt,
because I love him, you know what I mean?
And there's so much nuance to it.
You can use it in so many circumstances.
It's like snowflakes to Inuits.
It's like, imagine you've been
on a night out with the girls,
and you come home and your husband's
finally emptied the dishwasher.
And he leaves you a note
saying, you're welcome,
and you're like, you little cunt.
Or, like, when you finally meet
your wife's friend Sven,
who she's been playing
all that tennis with,
but she promised you
he was gay.
But when you finally meet him,
you're like, this cunt.
I hope it is now becoming clear
why I've actually been doing this tour.
I am trying to bring "cunt"
to America.
It's actually important work.
I did want to call
this show "The Cunt Mission."
But I was heavily advised against it
by everyone I know.
It's a bit like the phrase
"the state of it."
I don't know
if you have that here.
My dad...
He won't mind me saying this.
We're filming it. He'll be proud.
My dad is a massive pervert, and...
...if you ever meet my dad
and you're out with him,
he will just point out
attractive women all night.
And he'll go, fucking hell.
Fucking hell.
Look at the state of it.
Nine months later, I was born.
Three notes, just three notes.
Everything else is perfect.
I wouldn't change a thing.
And it's a very small note,
and I'm sure it's cultural.
As wonderful as it is here--
and it is truly wonderful--
I think, if we're honest,
sometimes it does feel a bit edgy.
Like, I don't always feel safe.
And...
I had this experience in New York.
I'm sure you'll be able to relate to this.
It was a few days ago, right?
I was out with a friend.
It was about half 12:00 at night,
and I said goodbye.
And I got the subway back to my hotel.
And the subway was
really packed, really busy.
And the train I was on
pulled into a station,
and everyone got off my carriage,
except for me and one other person.
And as the doors closed,
I had the overwhelming urge
to turn to that person and go...
...I'm gonna fucking kill you now.
I mean, I didn't, but I felt it,
and it was powerful.
I thought, maybe I've been here too long.
This next bit, I don't actually have
a segue for,
so I'll just take a pause.
My mum is really hot.
I have a hot mum.
I have a hot, sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
Tell us why you're in therapy, Brett.
I have a...
I have a hot, sexy, curvy,
sexy, curvy, gorgeous mama.
And, listen, do not be creeped out
by me saying this.
These are not my words.
These are the words of every single person
who has ever met my mum.
What happens is, people meet my mum.
Then they come to me, and they go,
oh, my God, I just met your mom.
She's so hot.
And to this day,
I do not know what I am meant to say
in response.
Am I meant to go...
...yeah!
Fucking right she is!
I've seen her naked, mate!
She might have stopped working,
but those titties haven't.
High five, high five, high five!
I've been inside her.
You know what I mean?
Oh, no.
Oh, what a shame. I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
What a shame.
It honestly happens
to me so much
that when people say it to me
whose mum is not hot,
I'm like, am I meant to go,
and your mother
has a cracking personality?
You're a good crowd, New Jersey.
You're a good crowd, and you seem...
I'm also vaguely distracted
by a child?
In the front row?
Are you a child?
Are you a human child?
Yeah.
How old is this child?
12.
You're 12. Okay. Well, you're gonna
learn so much, and...
And I'm happy to see you.
And when you talk to your therapist
about this one day,
just remember I meant well.
Thank you for being here.
But you do seem intelligent,
and you do seem like you can handle
the serious stuff.
I mean, I guess that's why you come
to comedy, isn't it?
We can talk about the serious stuff.
Fuck it.
So, look...
...been an awful lot going on
these last few years, right?
We've had the pandemic.
We've had wars.
And worse than all of that, we've had men.
Men is bad.
Men is like, oh, boy.
Like, men is bad.
And I think I'm up to date on everything
with the Time's Up and the MeToo,
and the "not you as well."
And, look, here's the truth.
I don't mind sharing it with you.
You all seem like smart people.
I'll tell you the fucking truth.
I always knew that men were bad.
I did, because we have
secret meetings on Tuesdays,
and we brag about it at the CVS.
But...
...I did not know that they were this bad
in this amount.
And the more I read and the more I hear,
the more I feel sort of embarrassed
when I introduce myself to people.
Like, I sort of want to go,
well, obviously, I'm a man,
but I'm not...
I'm not a man.
And I realize it must be what it's like
to be German...
...for the last 75 to 80 years,
because everyone you meet,
you're going, well, see,
I'm German, but I'm not...
I'm not a Nazi.
And everyone's going,
are you sure?
Because you have got
blonde hair, blue eyes,
and you are incredibly efficient.
And you're like, no, no, no, no.
But I high-five straight up like normal.
That's how you can tell.
It's in the high-fives.
Just ask Elon.
But it's like, it's getting worse.
Like, every day I read something.
Like, I feel like I'm on the wrong team.
Like, it's embarrassing.
Like, in Japan, some men
have started marrying pillows
because they can't cope
with women.
What the fuck is going on?
And, look, I am very aware
that me even talking about this onstage
is, in itself, problematic
because, spoiler alert, I am a man.
Some of you might be thinking,
what is he up to?
What is this sick fuck's angle?
Like, is this like Darth Vader
coming out here and going,
Stormtroopers are bad.
All back to the Death Star.
You're safe with me.
That impression is not getting better.
I've been working on that for six months.
I would argue it's getting
worse and worse.
But all this men stuff
is stressing me out.
It's truly stressing me out.
And the more I speak to people about it,
the more I hear and the more I read,
I'm like, I don't think
there's a solution to this,
other than I think...
I think you're gonna have to kill
all the men.
And it doesn't have to be nasty.
It does not have to be ugly.
You just get a load of porn
and sex robots and pillows,
chuck them in the ocean,
and the men will just file in,
one after the other.
And, look, I am saying this publicly
because I do hope
that when you enact this cull,
you will keep me around as a mascot.
And I'll be very good.
I will cook, and I will clean.
And you won't hear a word out of me.
And if at some point
in your new society of only women
you do decide you want to procreate,
obviously, I'm not gonna get sex.
Wouldn't want it, wouldn't ask for it.
But if you do want to procreate,
just give me a nod,
and I'll leave a little pot of cum
in a safe space.
Interesting discovery
being English in your country...
I can say "little pot of cum"...
...and you think it's charming.
"Little pot of cum" in an English accent
sounds like a kids' book.
"The Little Pot of Cum Who Could."
That bit doesn't work
with an American accent.
Like, I leave her a little pot of cum.
You're like, oh, God!
Please don't do that, sir.
Please, no, keep your cum
to yourself, young man.
I've never seen "Downton Abbey,"
but I know it's huge over here.
I just assume every episode is like,
Your Lordship, little pot of cum?
What shall we take for Thanksgiving?
Little pot of cum?
The christening soon--Never mind.
But I think toxic masculinity is real.
I think it's a real thing.
I think it comes, certainly,
from men of my generation and above.
It's because we were raised
not to be open,
not to be vulnerable,
that that's bad, that that's weak.
So one of the only things
we can do to combat that is,
I think we all need to learn
how to share more.
But you ever shared
something with a friend,
and then they've shared something back,
and then you thought, my God,
I wish we'd never shared?
Because I have a ex-friend.
I have an ex-friend
because of our little sharing session.
There's a guy I've known all my life.
I went to school with him,
so we grew up together.
He's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
If we met now,
we probably wouldn't be friends,
but I grew up with him,
so he's like family.
I'd defend him to the death.
He's the sort of guy
you say has a heart of gold,
which is a phrase you never use for people
who have a heart of gold.
"Heart of gold" is a phrase
like, "can I be honest?"
"Can I be honest?" never ends nice.
"Can I be honest?"
never ends in "I love you."
"Can I be honest?"
always ends with something like,
"The sound of you eating
makes me want to kill myself."
Anyway, friend from school,
known him all my life, heart of gold.
And just a few years ago,
I have this kind of revelation.
I'm like, we know nothing
about each other.
We actually know nothing.
We've grown up together.
We never talk about anything.
And I said, should we try something?
I said, let's go out.
We'll have a few drinks,
and let's try and sort of talk
about how we feel and shit.
And he said, are you having
a nervous breakdown?
And I said, we'll see.
And we went out.
We had a few drinks, and I went first.
I said something out loud
I'd never said before.
I was talking
about my girlfriend at the time,
and I said, I think I love her.
I feel like I love her.
But when I'm out, I am attracted
to other people all the time.
I don't know if that's natural,
that's human nature,
or if that means
I don't actually love her.
And he said, yeah.
He said, yeah.
I know what you mean, actually.
He said, sometimes...
...when it gets
a bit much with my wife,
in my lunch break,
I'll go downtown,
I'll go down an alley,
and I'll get sucked off by a whore.
And I was like, yeah.
Similar, similar...
...similar stor--
I can see how my story
led to your story.
Yeah, similar.
And I thought, I actually
don't know what to say now.
He's properly stumped me.
Like, I probably shouldn't shame him.
It's all that shame
sending him down alleys.
But at the same time,
I have heard, as men,
we are supposed to call each other out.
So I said to him, look...
mate...
...we don't say "whore."
So, look...
I worry...
I worry...
I worry...
...that my fear of embarrassment...
...is far greater than my instinct
to save a life.
Where I live, there's this dog
that lives in my road.
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. Good dog.
It doesn't live in the road.
Like, it is housed.
Like, it has a roommate.
It lives with this woman.
But sometimes the dog will be in the road.
And I really like this dog.
It's a good dog. It's a good dog.
So, whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will--
- What word do you say?
- Pet.
Pet. You say, pet, right, yeah?
Here is my question for you all.
Did you all just run out of verbs?
Like, it is a pet.
You're not dogging your dog,
you know what I mean?
It makes it sound so creepy.
Like, do you want to go out
to the farm and pig the pigs?
No, thank you, Americans.
Thank you.
So gross.
So, anyway, I like this dog,
so whenever I see the dog,
I will stop, and I will stroke it.
That sounds worse.
That's wor--Oh, no, look, whenever...
I'll stop, and I will touch it.
No.
I will scruffle it up.
Like, I will get my hands on that dog.
No, you don't--
Like, I'm not--
Don't look at me like that.
I don't want the takeaway
of this show being,
he can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
There's nothing going on between me and--
It's platonic between me and the dog,
to be clear, all right?
At least for myself.
I can't speak for the dog.
I'm not putting words in the dog's--
I'm not putting anything
in the dog's mouth, okay?
Can't a man and a dog be friends
without the sex part getting in the way?
I believe so, yes.
All right?
So, whenever I see this dog,
I will stop,
and I will wave, all right?
I just wave from afar.
And one day, I'm out in the street,
and I see the dog with the woman,
and I stop and have a chat
with the woman, not the dog.
And the woman says,
I've got to run an errand.
Are you around for a bit?
Do you want to take the dog for a walk?
And I said, I'd love to.
And it was the first time
I'd been alone with the dog,
which I am absolutely allowed to be.
I have a certificate.
And I have the dog on a lead.
And I walk the dog to the park.
And I go right into the middle
of the park.
And then I took the lead off.
And the dog immediately bolted
straight towards the main road.
And there was, like,
loads of people around.
And I thought like, oh, like--
I don't want to make a scene.
Like, one of my biggest fears
is becoming a GIF that gets passed around,
like, fucking hell!
You know what I mean?
So I thought...
I thought, I'm just gonna let it die.
I thought I'd just have to say to her,
oh, the car came out of nowhere,
but it didn't.
It's a very straight road.
I saw it about a quarter of a mile away.
Oh, I didn't hear it coming.
It wasn't electric.
It was a gas-guzzling machine.
And it really made me think,
I actually must not have children...
...because if I ever had, like,
a dickhead kid,
if I ever had, like, a real dickhead kid
and I was out with my dickhead kid
and my dickhead kid
was causing chaos somewhere
and someone was like, whose is this?
I'd be like...
I don't know.
He seems awful.
And you'd know it was mine.
It would be so hairy.
It's a little werewolf kid
running around like Eddie Munster.
Are you sure you don't know him?
Never seen him in my life.
Why is he calling you "Daddy"?
Get off me, Brett Junior!
Now, look, New Jersey...
...I heard your noises,
so I realized I'm going to have
to say this.
Otherwise, you're not going to be able
to enjoy the rest of the show.
The dog survived, all right?
All right?
Yes.
You think you're so tough,
but then you can't handle a story
where a dog might have died.
The dog is absolutely fine, okay?
What really happened is,
the dog ran this way,
and the dog ran that way,
and we had a lovely walk.
And then I took the dog home,
and we made love, okay?
It was a happy ending for both of us.
Why do you think my child is so hairy?
Unnecessary.
Unnecessary add-on.
I'm so sorry.
We were having such a classy evening.
What's that?
My biceps?
Oh, yeah. No, I've been--
Yeah, I've been working out, but--
Well, I have to
because I've got to hold this for so long.
Yeah.
Well, we can talk about it if you want.
All right.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I go to the gym.
Sorry about it.
Yeah, I go to the gym.
I'll talk about it, fine.
I go to the gym.
I go to the gym regularly.
I go to the gym
for spiritual reasons, actually.
I go because I would like
to look good naked.
But, truthfully,
the gym that I go to...
I don't actually like this gym.
I sort of hate it.
I only go to it
because it's the nearest one.
But it's a real sort
of testosterone-y gym,
if that's not a pizza.
It's like a real sort
of testosterone-y and cheese
deep-dish gym,
you know what I mean?
Like, it's always sort of men
just fucking standing around,
fucking moody, staring at each other.
And all I ever want to use
is the weights machine,
and there'll always be
someone on it for hours.
And, eventually, I'll be like,
can I jump in on that?
And they'll be like, fuck off.
And I'll be like, yeah, cool, cool, cool.
I'll just keep doing
body-weight squats.
But something happened
the other day at the gym.
This is completely true.
And this just shows you
the power of music.
Now, I don't know if this was an accident,
someone did this deliberately,
or the playlist was
just on random shuffle,
but the song that was playing
in the gym was this...
Everyone fucking menacing,
staring each other out,
lifting weights,
looking fucking moody.
And then the next song came on,
and it was this...
And everything changed.
I don't know if you've ever seen a man
lift weights wistfully.
It's a thing.
Man doing push-ups started weeping.
Man on the treadmill
stopped doing hill sprints
and started looking within.
And then the man by the weights machine
came over to me,
and he went, sorry,
I've been so aggressive, bro.
I think it's because my mum didn't give me
enough attention as a child.
I said, I get that.
He said, do you want
to use the weights?
I said, let's use them together.
Lovely.
True story.
True story, word for word.
I guess the real weights
were the friends
we made along the way.
I did, actually, end up making friends
with one of these guys.
You know, there's a thing
with men who work out at the gym.
There's a bit I must miss
when people work out too much,
where it sort of goes big,
bigger, pyramid, you know what I mean?
Like, sort of, big,
bigger, human Toblerone.
And...
I made friends with one
of these Toblerone guys, right?
And we used to chat a bit after a workout,
and then he disappeared for a few months.
Didn't see him.
Then he came back, and I was like,
where have you been?
And it turned out,
he had taken himself to China
to train to become,
like, a Shaolin warrior or something.
And he came back.
I said, how was it?
He said, yeah, it was
fucking amazing, actually.
They used to wake us
at 3:00 in the morning
and beat us with sacks.
I said, that sounds incredible.
And he said, I can kick really high now.
And I was like, cool.
I said, how high can you kick?
And he said, I could kick you
in the fucking head.
Interesting unit of measurement.
But he told me something
that I completely believed.
He told me
that because he'd done this training,
now, if he was ever in a bar or anywhere
and someone were to start
a fight with him,
that now, legally,
he had to say three times
that he was a lethal weapon...
...before he could engage in combat.
Nothing would escalate
a fight quicker...
...than someone saying,
I'm a lethal weapon.
What's that? Did you hear me?
Oh, yeah, we all heard you.
Well, listen again. I'm a lethal weapon.
Should we go outside?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm a lethal weapon.
What are you--
Douchebag Beetlejuice?
But I actually believed him.
It kind of made sense to me.
It's only recently it occurred to me
that if that is true,
that means if one day he kills someone,
then in a court of law,
the judge can just be like,
excuse me, sir, can I check?
Did you say you were
a lethal weapon three times?
I did, yeah.
Case dismissed. Not guilty.
She was asleep when I said it,
but I did say it.
She's not real.
The dog survived.
When will you trust me?
So, of all the issues
we have in the world,
and we do have so many,
if I may be sincere for a moment,
I think that we have one major issue
that all our other issues stem from,
and that issue
is wealth inequality.
I think the gap between rich
and poor is insane.
It seems to be getting worse,
and I think all of our problems
come from that.
And I think the only way
we can truly start to deal with that is,
I believe
we need to tax the rich.
And...
It's something
I'm very passionate about.
I've been on lots of marches
with my friends about it.
And...
And then a couple
of years ago...
...I got a job...
...and it was the first time in my life
I'd been sort of fairly well paid.
And I found myself on one
of these marches with my friends.
And I was like, tax the rich!
Tax the rich! Tax...
Maybe deal with them
on an individual, case-by-case basis.
Like, let's hear them out.
Some of them probably got good hearts,
hearts of gold, if you will.
But I'll tell you the truth, right?
So I was involved in "Ted Lasso," right?
And...
Thank you very much.
And I will be forever grateful for it.
It truly changed my life.
I had been working for years
and years before that.
Turns out, it makes quite a big difference
when people actually watch the thing.
Previous to "Ted Lasso,"
I'd just sort of been making stuff
and kind of kicking it down a well.
Like, see you later, my 20s.
Absolute waste of time.
So I did "Ted Lasso,"
and it changed my life,
and I feel very privileged.
And people often come up to me,
and they say, like, what's next?
What have you got going on next?
And since you've been
very generous to me, actually,
I will share with you an exclusive.
But you can't tell anyone
because the special
won't come out for a while.
Like, I've been in LA.
I've been pitching a show.
I'm really excited, but you can't--
I haven't sold it yet. I've come close.
Anyway, I'll tell you.
So the next show
that I want to make...
...is a show called "MDMA Fighting."
And what it is...
you take two highly skilled
MMA fighters,
you dose them up with MDMA
30 minutes before a match,
then half hour later, you stick them
in a cage together, and you go, go.
And they walk towards each other like...
You are so big.
Your skin is so tight.
And the referee's like, come on!
And he pushes them together.
But they just start
nuzzling each other's necks
and squeezing each other's head.
And he's like, break it up!
And they're like, leave us alone!
And they're just cuddling
and cuddling and cuddling.
They won't let go of each other.
And they're cuddling
and cuddling, cuddling.
And they end up down on the ground.
They're cuddling.
And then they lie there arm in arm,
and then they look up,
and one of them goes...
It's a cage.
And the other one goes,
when you think about it,
is it all a cage?
Thank you.
Thank you very much, yeah.
The pitches are going well, you know.
Mark Cuban is a yes, so we'll see.
Just a warning,
this next thing I'm gonna say
is the most controversial thing
I'm gonna say tonight,
so just strap in.
Like, we'll get through this bit,
and then it's easy
from here on out, all right?
Well, look, I'm gonna say this...
...because I do actually think
it's important to speak your truth,
and I don't want to pretend
I'm something I'm not anymore.
So I'm just gonna say it,
then it's been said, okay?
I love musicals.
All right?
I love musicals.
I'm not gonna pretend I don't anymore.
I do actually love musicals.
I love musicals, but I hate plays.
Plays are boring, and you all know it.
Once you've enjoyed a musical,
it's very difficult to get back to a play.
Once you've experienced the majesty
of "Defying Gravity,"
very difficult to get anything
out of, "To be or not to be."
You're talking.
Plays are boring.
Plays are boring.
And anyone who tells you otherwise
is lying to you and themselves.
Chekhov can fuck off.
And Shakespeare...
why are we still talking about this cunt?
I went to see "Romeo and Juliet."
It is an exact rip-off
of "West Side Story."
You think I'm not gonna notice
'cause you took the clicking out, William?
Come on!
And if Shakespeare
is such a genius writer,
let's talk about the plotting
of "Romeo and Juliet."
First two acts, fine.
Star-crossed lovers, fine.
Then what happens is, Juliet says,
I want to marry Romeo.
Her dad says no,
and he locks her in a bedroom
with a priest and a nurse.
Okay.
She says, what will I do?
The priest says, I've got an idea.
Never a good sign when a priest says
to a child, I have an idea.
He says, I've got this poison.
I haven't really tried it,
but I'm pretty sure if you take it,
you'll be dead for 48 hours.
They'll have a funeral. They'll mourn you.
They'll leave you in a crypt.
And then in two days,
Romeo can come along.
You'll wake up,
and you two can run off.
If Shakespeare is such a good writer,
the next line should be Juliet saying...
...does anyone have
any other ideas?
That sounds fucking mental.
No, Juliet, it's always
the most obvious thing.
It's got to be the 48-hour poison thing.
Can we not just sneak out the back?
No, sorry. It's got to be
the old 48-hour poison.
What, you're saying
they'll have a funeral?
Yeah.
What if they cremate me?
You're overthinking it, Juliet.
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
I went to see "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
couldn't tell you which.
They're both gibberish, right?
This is how low people's bar
was for entertainment.
In the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth"--
doesn't matter which--
in the middle of "Hamlet" or "Macbeth,"
one of the characters says this...
"Well, yes...
as the hare, the lion."
And people laughed.
I was fucking fuming.
I was stalking the aisles,
like, are you fucking kidding me?
This is seriously doing it for you?
I said, take yourself
to an open-mic comedy night,
listen to someone ask
where the Peruvians are at,
and it'll blow the brains
out of your head.
And, look, I am well aware
that one day I will do a play,
and this clip will be used against me.
But let me be very clear.
I never said it isn't fun to do a play.
It's really fun to do a play.
It's just boring to watch them.
Please come see my play.
I hate plays,
but I love musicals,
'cause a musical is like
a play where stuff happens.
But as much as I love a musical,
and I do love a musical,
I could never be in a musical.
And it's not because
I can't sing or dance.
I can't.
It's more because
as much as I love a musical,
I could never do the face...
...that every actor has to do
at the start of every musical
without wanting
to, you know, self-harm.
Since we're filming this,
I will try it for you, right?
I'm gonna try the face.
Now, you've all seen a musical, right?
Some are silly. Some are difficult.
Some are deep. Some are frivolous.
All musicals begin
with an actor coming onstage,
doing this face.
New York City, I made it!
Fuck it, I'll be sick in my own mouth.
All right, we are now
at the relationship section of the show.
Do we have any marrieds here?
So many marrieds.
Are you a married?
How long have you been married?
Almost 30 years.
Almost 30 fucking years? Respect.
That sounds like a record.
Can anyone beat that?
47!
40-fucking-7 over here.
This is now a very weird auction.
No one wins anything, but...
...but you do win our respect.
47, listen, I am not going
to make fun of the marrieds.
I got nothing but respect
for the marrieds.
I've never been married.
I never made a vow
in front of God or the law.
But you did,
and I'm sure you meant it...
...at the time.
I've never been married.
And the truth is,
I never wanted to be married.
And it's only recently
it occurs to me why.
And I think it's actually
'cause of comedy.
I think comedy ruined marriage for me,
'cause I grew up obsessed
with stand-up and sitcoms,
which means my whole life,
I saw one stereotype of what marriage is.
I thought what marriage is, is where a man
lives in a house with a woman
who never, ever, ever wants
to have sex with him again.
You know what I mean?
Like, all sitcoms, they're always like,
Debra, why ain't we fucking?
You know what I mean? Like...
Thursdays on NBC...
...Frigid Frida is back.
You know what I mean?
And I always thought,
I mean, I like sex.
That sounds awful.
Why would you do that?
But, recently,
I've been speaking
to lots of straight couples
in long-term relationships,
and I've been asking them
about their sex lives
because I am a pervert...
...and I don't understand
the basics of small talk.
And what I have discovered
in the overwhelming majority
is that this stereotype
is the wrong way around.
Most of the men I speak to are like,
yeah, we have enough sex.
Most of the women think
they're not having enough sex.
And the reason it's gone
so deathly quiet...
...is because that is true.
Holy fuck, that was tense.
So, if that is the case,
and, oh, boy, it definitely is...
...then why is it the case now?
Luckily, I have a theory.
Otherwise, this bit would go nowhere.
I think it's because sex is weird, right?
Sex is weird, particularly how I do it.
Like...
Guys, the dog survived.
No, look...
Sex is weird.
Sex is weird, particularly starting sex.
I find the beginning of sex so stressful.
I feel the same way about sex
as I do about taking ecstasy.
Like, in the build-up, I'm always nervous.
Oh, God, I hope
it's all gonna be all right.
Once I'm doing it, I'm like,
why aren't I always doing this?
And it's because these are two
very different states of being, right?
One is like being a human.
One is like being an animal.
It's quite a big hump you have to get over
to get from one state to the other.
And everyone has to do it.
Like, even, like, someone doing
a TED Talk, right?
Someone doing a TED Talk.
So they're like, oh, yes,
the universe or whatever.
That same person,
just a couple of hours later,
can be like this...
That's not how I do it, just to be--
I'm trying to make a point.
This isn't exactly--
You know, it's just an exaggeration.
Everyone has to do it.
Smart people--
Albert Einstein one day
was like, E equals MC-squared.
And then later, he was like...
Such a big hump to get
from one state to the other.
That's why I think being sexually rejected
is the most humiliating thing,
'cause it's like,
you're on a date with someone,
and you misread the cues, and you're like,
oh, time to become the animal.
So you put on paws and a monkey mask,
and you try to get over the hump.
And she's like,
what do you think you're doing?
And you're like, absolutely nothing,
nothing at all, nothing at all.
I was enjoying all the conversing.
More, please.
It was like watching a play.
I loved it.
And that's why I think
in the beginning of a relationship,
it's easy for a man to initiate sex,
because she doesn't know you.
So you can tell yourself,
I'm a big, strong animal.
I'm a big, strong monkey animal man.
And you can get over that hump
and initiate sex.
But once you've been with someone
for, like...
...three weeks...
...every time you're gearing up
to get over that hump,
part of you is going,
I'm a big, strong monkey animal.
I'm a big, strong animal,
but she did see me cry
through the finale
of "The Great British Bake Off."
Those beautiful fucking scones.
So I've never been married, right?
But I think I've done...
I've tried most of the kind
of relationships you can do.
I've done short-term, medium-term,
long-term, lease.
The furthest I ever got is,
last year, I lived with someone.
And living with someone
was a real game changer,
because previous to that,
I thought what having a girlfriend was--
I thought that's
where you meet up with someone
three or four times a week,
and when you meet up with them,
you show them the 4% of yourself
that is acceptable for public consumption.
And when you feel the 96% bubbling up,
you say, I've had a lovely time.
Let's catch up soon.
You rush home, you close the door,
and you regenerate.
She was in my house.
Day 2, the 96% was everywhere.
She thought I was a fucking weirdo
'cause I cook everything in a wok.
But, like, if it's good enough
for stir fry,
it's good enough for oatmeal.
And I have a system for getting dressed
that used to drive her insane.
I'm gonna share this system with you,
and it will change your lives.
This is how I get dressed, right?
The end of the day,
when I'm finished with my clothes,
I take them off,
and I put them in the washer.
When the washing is full, I turn it on.
I then move everything to the dryer,
and I turn that on.
And then when that's done,
I then get dressed out of the dryer,
and the cycle continues.
What I am not doing is wasting my life
on this middleman we call drawers.
I'm not taking all the clothes.
Quick, we must hide our other clothes.
People are coming to the house.
If they see we have other clothes,
they'll kill us.
They must never know that we have
more clothes than what we're wearing.
Quick! Hide them properly.
Take them fully upstairs.
You must hide them and fold them.
Put them in boxes.
They must never see we have other clothes.
Oh, my God do you know what I need?
Some of those other clothes.
I better go back up the stairs
and open the boxes and unfold the thing.
The years and years that I have saved.
Do you want to know how I won two Emmys?
Because I had fucking time.
So I'm single now.
No, I'm single by choice.
Her choice.
No, it was actually mutual.
We came to the mutual agreement
that I was a prick
and she should marry her ex, but...
No, it's fine. She's dead.
That, you're delighted by?
This is a strange group of people.
69!
69!
69!
It's another 45 minutes of this.
69, the sex move.
69, the position.
Not for me.
I hate it, in case you're wondering.
Literally, no one asked.
I'm telling you anyway.
I hate a 69. I hate a 69.
And I'll tell you for why.
I can't rub my belly
and pat my head at the same time.
It's sex.
It's not Cirque du fucking Soleil.
Like, yes, it's important to share,
but you can take turns.
A 69 always ends in an 11...
Just two people lying next to each other,
feeling smelly and ashamed.
I much prefer a 16...
...which is bum sex
with a pregnant lady.
I don't know if that's making the edit.
Fucking hell.
All right, we should probably start
wrapping up fairly soon.
So, look, the last thing
I want to tell you about...
I talked about love and relationships.
One thing I haven't told you
is I once truly, genuinely experienced
love at first sight.
I went to this party.
This woman turned around.
Our eyes locked, and I was like,
shit, fuck, I'm in love.
Like, that's a real thing,
love at first sight, right?
If you're in a couple not nodding at that,
that is a long drive home.
Did you hear what he said?
Yeah, I heard.
He can't do impressions,
and I think he fucked a dog.
Honestly, I met this woman.
Our eyes locked.
It's embarrassing
what happened in my head.
When I saw this woman, the first thought
I had was, oh, nothing matters.
We can just live in fields
and eat berries.
And me and this woman got together.
And now, this woman, she's
half Irish and half Chinese,
which means she's incredibly beautiful
and I am never allowed
to do an impression of her.
Where are all my "Chirish" at?
Anyway...
So we got together, and we were in love.
I think this is love.
Is this love?
Is love when you text each other
back and forth all day--
text, text, text, text, text, text, text,
text, text, text, text, text, text, text--
and then if, at some point, she doesn't
immediately reply to one of your texts,
you're like, right,
she's having an affair?
Right, she's not texted back.
She has a dick in her. Okay.
And it's a bigger dick than mine.
She's finally satisfied. Okay.
Oh, another dick must have joined,
so her hands are full.
She can't send a text. Okay.
Oh, another dick must have joined,
and now it's in her mouth.
Otherwise, she'd tell Siri
to drop me a line.
I knew this would happen.
I'm a fucking idiot.
And then 25 minutes later,
she texts back, sorry, baby.
I was at the gym.
Miss you.
And you're like, all right, a bit needy.
Is that love?
And there's a real madness
to this kind of love.
Like, I look back at the texts
we were sending each other.
I'm like, are these love notes
or death threats?
Like, the insane things
you say to each other,
like, I can't wait to be back with you.
I can't wait to be kissing you.
I can't wait to be on top of you.
I can't wait to cut off your skin
and wear you as a Slanket.
And you sort of lose all reason.
You kind of lie in bed together.
Like, we actually don't have
to go to work today, do we?
We don't have to go to work.
We're in love.
As if your boss is in the office going,
where's Brett today?
Oh, he can't come in, sir.
He's in love.
We must give him paid time off.
And you become really sort of dirty.
You just sort of lie there,
like, don't leave the bed.
Don't go have a shower.
We can just lie here passing
back and forth the same UTI.
Cranberry juice, my angel?
Now, it may not shock you to discover
that that relationship ended.
And when it ended, I spoke to my sister.
Now, my sister is the opposite of me.
My sister, she's married.
She's got children. She's happy.
And I said to her,
I said, was I wrong about this?
And she said, Brett, you're wrong
about literally everything.
And I said, no, was I wrong about love?
And she said, yeah, of course
you were wrong about love.
She said, love is...
she said, when you find your soulmate,
you will feel completely at peace.
And I was like...
Then that definitely wasn't love.
That was a fucking nightmare.
I don't think I slept.
And I've thought about it a lot because
I suspect that she's probably right.
But if my sister's right,
that means
that all your favorite love songs,
none of them are actually about love.
These are all just songs about addiction.
They're all just Cookie Monster songs.
You know what I mean?
You know the types of songs, where
it's like, our love is a roller coaster.
The house is on fire.
Let's cut our dicks off.
You know what I mean?
Because if my sister is right,
then all love songs
should go like this.
I feel so comfortable
Sitting on a couch with you
Watching a box set for an hour
Maybe watch another one, too
If you have to work late at the office
I won't criticize
'Cause I trust you,
and I know you love me
And for you, my penis is the right size
For you, my penis is the right size
Thank you very much, New Jersey!
Good night!
Brett, great show.
Thanks, Mo.
Hey, do you know if the red squirrel came?
No. The Red Squirrel didn't come.
- What about Big Bear?
- No.
Crazy Orange Bird?
Hot Dogs?
No, Brett.
Okay.
Well, at least Buddy G was there.
Brett, we've been over this.
These friends of yours, they're not real.
Okay.
I'll see you at the diner.
Yeah.
Cool.
Great show, Brett!
You were fantastic.
- You were just wonderful.
- Wow.
- Okay, good!
- So many bad words! Loved it!
Yeah, we're going
to the diner to celebrate.
- Come on.
- You're very bad at impressions.
- Oi! Don't be rude.
- Clear off. Be nice.
- We'll meet you at the diner.
- Yeah, you try following your dreams.
Hey. You did good.
Thanks, Buddy G.
I didn't think you'd come.
Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't miss this for the world.
Come on, let's go get something to eat.
- Come on.
- Okay.
Come on, Buddy.