Brewster's Millions (1985) Movie Script

We got one to go! One out to go!
All right!
OK!
He just saved your ass, Brewster.
Come on, Rudy.
- Foul ball!
- Aw, foul ball!
Aw, you almost had that. I bet
you feel like a big piece of shit.
Talk all you want, Porky.
Here we go, Monty. Ready to push.
Throw it in to Porky!
Foul ball!
- It's OK, Rudy.
- You want him to pitch underhand?
- I'm lettin' my bat do my talkin'.
- Oh, the bat's got the brains?
- Play ball.
- I just wanted to figure it out.
I wanna know who's got
the brains in the family.
- Time out!
- Time out?
It's all right. Take it easy,
don't lose your concentration.
A goddamn train's comin'
through the outfield!
There's a guy up there
in the bleachers, front row.
He's got a camera. He's been takin'
pictures of me for the last three games.
- I think he's a scout for the big leagues.
- Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey.
No scout comes here, you understand?
A train's goin' through the outfield,
but you strike this guy out,...
..l'll take you with me
tonight and get you drunk.
Two out. Two! Two!
Two out. He makes it three.
Look at him. He's a little rag arm!
Dial up on him, baby.
Knock it a long distance for me.
- Hey, old man. Getting a little tired, huh?
- Get back to T-ball, buddy.
Strike three. You're out!
Big win. Yeah! All right!
I'm a Gypsy. That's why
I'm not gonna bullshit you, OK?
I'm not gonna see you next year cos
I'm gonna be playing for the big leagues.
- Really?
- That's right.
I dunno what team, but
you'll see me on television...
..and you'll say "I know that guy."
"That's the guy that wanted to date
me but, no, I was too stupid."
Jake here. I'm in Hackensack.
Pretty much the same picture. He was out
drinkin' till 3.30 in a bar last night,...
..then he picked up a girl,
took her back to the hotel.
I figure tonight's agenda looks the same.
He's out celebrating his victory.
He was the winning pitcher today.
Right now you're playing
for Hackensack,...
..so why are you running
around in a Cubs jersey?
A Cubs jersey? What number's that?
- It says "35".
- That was my number in the Cubs.
They were the only big-league team
smart enough to take me on.
Is he a good pitcher?
Well, he's enthusiastic.
Kinda like a kid in a candy store.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Cold beer here. Cold beer.
There you go. Sorry I'm late. Allow me.
- Attractive
- Thank you very much.
- Look, just keep your eye out for Rudy.
- He doesn't exist. There is no Rudy.
Yes, sir. I'll break the news
to him tomorrow morning.
No, sir. I won't lose sight of him.
Let me tell you something about
athletes. After a game, we gotta relax.
We gotta come down, unwind.
My doctor told me. He said "Brewster,
man, get a massage. Come down."
We read in a medical journal
left in the locker room...
..an article written by
this Oriental doctor on massages.
We in the West give a massage like this.
And, see, all the energy coming from
my hands is stopped by the fabric.
Apparently we in the West don't know
that and we're massaging for nothing.
So his theory, and I dunno,
it's just a theory,...
..is if you're nude and you get
a massage, that's the best thing for you.
- Good for your muscles, nude.
- Maybe you'd like to try it with us?
- The four of us nude would be great.
- That would be fun.
Massaging each other.
- I think they're kinda cute.
- This one's especially cute.
Either of you guys got a car?
- Got a bus.
- The team bus.
- Bigger than a car?
- Oh, much bigger and more fun,...
..because he's a partymeister himself.
Why don't we start in a bus?
Let's try the bus.
Any left?
Let's try the bus, a good place
to start the evening off.
You're gonna love this.
We got a big-screen TV.
Well, not yet. We got a space for it.
I think you're gonna like that.
Hi, guys.
Hah... Rudy! Hi, Rudy, buddy.
Get in the car before
I twist your head off.
I didn't do anything wrong, baby.
They tried to pick us up.
- Bullshit!
- Shut up!
- Get in the goddamn car!
- Hey, I wouldn't do that.
- Rudy...
- Hey! Butt out, rag arm.
- Let's go, guys.
- We'll push your face.
Police? This is Torchy's on J Street. Send
somebody down, there's gonna be a fight.
Why is it when there's trouble,
it's us that gets into it?
There's a bar full of people.
We're the only ones in jail.
I don't think it's racial
cos I'm in here with you.
That's comforting.
- Hiya, fellas.
- Charley!
Look, I dunno what to say,
but I guess this is it.
Charley, we apologise. Now cut the
speeches and get us out of here, please.
I can't do it, kid. The front office
is washing its hands of you two.
There's no money for bail
and no money for your fines.
They gave you both unconditional releases.
Great. Do they know what they're
talkin' about? We got one game left!
- If we win today, we're in the play-offs.
- It's simple. They don't want you guys.
Next year, they're going with the college
draft choices. New talent, young kids.
Hey, look at it this way, Brewster.
You're lucky.
You got to be a pro ball player
for 15 years.
It's a lot more than most people get.
I'll see you.
Brewster and Nolan.
OK! You bozos are up to bat.
In here. Let's go!
Don't worry. I know this kind of stuff.
- Don't mess up.
- Just smile.
Thank you very much.
Mr Brewster and Mr Nolan, you're
charged with assault and battery,...
- ..resisting arrest...
..and the destruction of private property.
How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Guilty, but with a real good excuse.
You're gonna love it.
- I plead innocent.
- You see, Your Honour,...
..what you have with
Mr Brewster and myself...
..is a couple of local heroes, really.
We play for a local team. You might
have seen us - the Hackensack Bulls?
Perhaps you know
the "Go, you Bulls, go"?
Let's not waste time. I have depositions
from over a dozen eyewitnesses.
Your Honour, we went into the bar
and we saw this nice lady.
We asked her to sit with us
to have a drink.
I didn't know she had a fianc. Did you?
I didn't know.
It wasn't public knowledge.
So you made advances to a woman
who was involved with another man?
If you don't make calls,
you don't make any sales.
- This man does not represent me.
- I'd remove that from the court records.
I'm going to set your bail at $3,000.
- Not bad.
- We don't have $3,000.
Bailiff, will you remove
the prisoners. Next case.
Your Honour, wait, please. I'd like
to defend myself. The man hit me first.
With the permission of the court!
My name is JB Donaldo.
I represent parties
who wish to remain anonymous...
..and who have instructed me
to post bail for the defendants...
..or pay any fines levied
in case they plead guilty,...
..which I'm sure they will now do.
- Who is he?
- It's the scout.
I told you they want me.
They want me.
We're going to the big time!
- So where to, JB?
- New York.
New York? Yee-ha ha!
The Mets!
I knew it! There's no Mets in here.
Wait a minute.
There's no Mets in this building.
I never mentioned the Mets. Mr Brewster
did. I was just hired to bring him here.
He's not a scout. He's a cop.
Look at him.
Look at those cheap cop shoes.
Cop face, cop hat, cop shirt, cop eyes.
Monty, the Mets don't want you. The
Hackensack Bulls don't even want you.
Look, I ain't supposed to tell you,
but here's who hired me.
Granville & Baxter. As far as I know,
they got nothing to do with the Mets.
It's gonna be great.
It's the Yankees.
- Mr Brewster?
- Right.
- We've been expecting you.
- The arm's OK.
The operation was a success.
The arm's 2 years old now.
Follow me, please.
Wait for me.
- Mr Brewster's here.
- Mr Brewster?
- Yeah.
- I'm Ed Roundfield.
This is Mr George Granville,
Mr Norris Baxter.
- How do you do?
- Perhaps you'd better sit down.
What I'm about to tell you
may come as quite a shock.
No, sir. I wanna hear this standing up.
Have you ever heard
the name Rupert Horn?
Rupert Horn... no. I bet he's someone
high up in the Yankee organisation, right?
I'm afraid not.
Rupert Horn was your great-uncle.
- What's that got to do with baseball?
- Rupert Horn quarrelled with his family.
He went out West.
They never heard from him again.
They thought he was dead,
but he didn't die until last month.
And by then, he was one of
the richest men in America.
- And he bought a baseball team, right?
- No. Oil and real estate.
And you, Mr Brewster, are the sole living
heir of your great-uncle, Rupert Horn.
I think it's only fair to tell Mr Brewster
about the conditions of the will.
Brewster, greetings from the grave.
Don't look. so surprised. Didn't you k.now
your great-grandfather was a honk.y?
The old man married twice.
0ne wife white, produced me.
0ne wife black.,
produced your grandmother.
A chequered family, you might say.
I've outlived 'em all, except you.
They tell me you're my only living relative
and I gotta say, I'm very disappointed.
Look. at ya. What have
you made ofyourself?
A failed baseball player.
I believe in being honest, Brewster.
No bullshit.
I'm stuck. with you.
But... we're gonna have some fun.
Let me... Let me tell you
a little story, Brewster.
When I was seven years old,
my daddy caught me smok.ing a cigar.
Lock.ed me in the broom closet
for three days...
.. with nothing but a box of cigars
and a book. of matches.
No food, Brewster. No water.
Just those goddamn cigars.
Wouldn't let me out until I finished every
one of 'em. Taught me one helluva lesson.
I'm going to do to you
what my daddy did to me.
I'm gonna teach you
to hate spending money.
I'm gonna mak.e you so sick. of it that the
sight of it'll mak.e you want to throw up.
So here's my proposition.
You have 30 days in which
to spend 30 million buck.s.
Ifyou can do it, you get 300 million.
- There's gotta be a catch.
- 0f course there's a catch.
You have to spend the 30 million,...
..but after 30 days
you're not allowed to own any assets.
No houses, no cars, no jewellery,...
..nothing but the shirt on your back..
It sounds easy, don't it? Yeah.
You'll find out.
No, no, no, no.
Now.
You can hire anybody you want but
you gotta get value for their services.
You can donate five per cent to charity
and gamble another five per cent away,...
..but you can't give it away.
That includes buyin' the Hope diamond
for some bimbo as a birthday present.
0h, I k.now what you're think.ing, Brewster.
You'll buy yourself a dozen Picassos
and use them for firewood, right?
Wrong! You must not destroy
what is inherently valuable.
That's instant disqualification.
0h, yeah. I almost forgot.
You're not allowed to tell anybody
why you have to spend this money.
- Why can't I tell my friends?
- I don't want anybody helping you out.
Nobody helped me out
in that closet with those cigars.
I never had any friends.
Well, Brewster, what do you think.?
You got the balls for it?
I doubt it. That's why I put
a special wimp clause in my will.
You can have a million dollars right now
and forget the whole thing.
0r you can go for the big one, Brewster,...
..the 300 million.
But ifyou fail...
..you don't get diddly.
This is the million dollars.
Oh!
Jeez! I never seen
that much money in my life.
We've investigated
your background, Mr Brewster.
The highest salary
you've ever had is $11,000...
..for one season
with the Toledo Mud Hens.
You've never even had
a credit card in your entire life.
Think of spending a million dollars
a day for 30 days...
..with no assets to show for it.
It's quite difficult to spend money...
..without accumulating assets,
even if the money is spent foolishly.
Surely no one could blame you
for refusing such an eccentric gamble?
That's good advice.
Take the million. It's yours!
What happens if I don't take the million
and I try for the whole thing and I fail?
Granville & Baxter would administrate
the estate in some charitable fashion,...
..for a considerable fee, I'm sure.
- What do you think?
- I don't benefit either way, Mr Brewster.
I'm a completely neutral observer.
Whew.
"Bird in the hand."
That's what my grandma used to say.
I'm gonna go for the 300 million.
When you appear before us
again in 30 days,...
..you must be totally penniless,
without assets of any kind,...
..having just the receipt for your
expenses and the clothes on your back.
Are you certain you wanna do this?
No, sir, I'm not, but I'm gonna
have a lotta fun finding out.
- Send Drake up here immediately.
- Good luck. You're due back in 30 days.
Gentlemen, shall we say
12 midnight exactly?
We're going to assign a paralegal
from our accounting department...
- ..to keep track of your expenditures.
- Does he know about the 300 million?
Drake just knows that
you've inherited $30 million...
..which must be precisely accounted for.
If you tell Drake the truth, you'll
automatically lose the entire inheritance.
I ain't telling Drake shit. My lips are
sealed. Lock 'em. Throw away the key.
"Hello, Drake. This is the way I talk.
How you doin', Drake?"
Miss Drake. This is Mr Brewster,
the client we briefed you about.
Oh, yes, Mr Brewster.
It's very nice to meet you.
- It doesn't rain, it pours.
- I beg your pardon?
The 30 million is deposited
in a bank across the street.
I imagine you'd like to make sure
it's real, possibly make a withdrawal.
- Yeah, I'd like to make sure it's real.
- Step this way, please.
- Hey, good luck.
- Yes, sir.
- Spike!
- What's wrong?
- What's wrong?
- Spike! Spike!
- You look like you've seen a ghost.
- I... I... I did. I'm not. I'm OK.
We're gonna be back on the team!
I may own the team.
- What?
- I'm gonna be crazy for a while.
But I'm not crazy. People will
think I am. You stick with me.
- You work here?
- No. They hired me to follow you.
Would you like to work for
more money than you've ever made?
I mean, it's a job. I gotta check and see
if it's real first. Are you interested?
- Yeah, are you kiddin'?
- Bring your camera.
Would you mind telling me what's
going on? What did they do to you?
What do you mean, what did they do?
I think I just inherited $30 million.
Oh, is that all?
I thought we did somethin' wrong.
30 million. Why didn't you tell me?
$30 million! Are you kiddin' me?
Monty's my best friend.
Things like this don't happen often.
This is incredible news! The man
just got $30 million given to him.
This is a good day.
We're always gonna remember it.
$30 million! That makes us rich.
Well, it makes him rich.
What a great day we're having. Me!
He's having a wonderful day.
I'm having a good time, too.
I'm his best friend. Did I tell you?
Jesus.
This is real m-m-m...
..money.
We're gonna have a lotta fun
with this kind of money.
- It's real.
- It is indeed, Mr Brewster.
- Let's not be rash with our money.
- Right.
Jake, I'd like to hire you
as my official photographer.
- Salary, $10,000 a week.
- $10,000 a week? This guy's a jerk!
Shut up. I accept.
Hold still for the camera, Mr Brewster.
Not bad for a guy
who didn't finish college.
You're doin' great, but, uh... I don't
think you inherited me with your money.
Needless to say, we'll be offering you
the special 24% interest rate...
..we reserve for major corporations
and a few of our Arab friends.
I don't want any interest! I want it in a
regular account that doesn't pay anything.
It's your vault. I should pay you rent.
- Very good, Mr Brewster.
- Mr Brewster,...
..you'd be giving up $7.2 million
a year just in interest alone.
I shouldn't take advantage of people.
Am I right?
Oh, yes, sir. Right you are, Mr Brewster.
I'd like to get $3 million in cash
now and take it with me.
Do you know how much $3 million in
cash is? You don't walk around that!
- You'd need an army of security guards.
- The man's right.
- What do they pay you here?
- 350 a week before taxes.
You can't live on that.
This is a dangerous job.
I'll pay you $2,000 a week
to be the chief of my security.
- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah. That's wrong.
OK, $4,000 a week. And you get 20 other
guys and I'll pay 'em $3,000 a week.
- You miss the point, Monty.
- Go get the $3 million and follow me.
- Yes, sir!
- Everybody follow me!
Monty, listen to me.
This is Spike, your pal.
You don't do things like that!
- I'll tell you what's goin' on.
- You don't even know those people!
They're gonna think I'm crazy,
but I'm not. Stick with me.
This is the way we're gonna
beat the baseball system.
You got more heart
than any catcher I know.
I can get anybody out
for three innings.
With this inheritance, this is
our ticket to the big leagues.
- Do you understand? You with me?
- Well, yeah!
Well, let's go!
That's right. Take some pictures.
- Get more cameras.
- What do you want more cameras for?
I want it to be on film.
I need a record of it.
Watch the goddamn ball, Johnson!
You're not a farmer!
Don't swing at shit in the dirt!
What? Collect call from who?
Switchboard says it's Brewster.
Probably from jail. Just what I need.
Tell him he owes me 200 bucks.
Yeah. I'll accept the call.
Charley, I'm not drunk. I'm in New York
and I just inherited 30 million bucks.
I'm about to go into
negotiations to buy the team.
Actually, I better rent the team...
What kind of a crap play is that?
Wilson, you idiot!
You don't steal second
when you're down two runs!
Brewster, do me a favour.
Go crazy on your own time and charges.
The team's going to shit, we could miss
the play-offs. I'm in no mood for jokes.
That's why I'm gonna raise
your salary - I love your dedication!
I am gonna get the team new uniforms, a
team box with air-conditioning and a Tv.
I'm gonna arrange it so
we can play the New York Yankees!
Right, right. OK, just tell me
one thing, Mr Millionaire.
You're so rich.
Why are you calling collect?
They only gave me $100 bills. I had
to rent this quarter from my accountant.
Yeah, I know. It's a big problem.
Nighty-night, sweet prince.
Nighty-night? Charley!
He doesn't believe me.
Thanks for the loan of the quarter.
Wow! Now that's really nice.
It's beautiful. But there is no way...
..l could spend over $200,000 for
something you wear around your neck.
You know how many hungry people
that could feed?
Let's go to lunch.
Yo! Taxi!
- Who the hell is that?
- Monty Brewster, the world's richest guy.
Would you like to be my personal driver
for the next 30 days at $5,000 a week?
You wanna hire a piece-of-shit cab
for $5,000 a week?
- Cash!
- What a country! America, I love it!
You could hire a fleet of
limousines for that money!
- You know where to hire limousines?
- Yeah.
Hire me three of the most expensive
limousines you can find, with drivers.
Bring the receipts and give 'em to
Miss Drake. We're goin' to lunch now.
Hey, everybody. Anybody wanna
go to lunch? I'm buying.
Yeah!
- Buzz off. I'm his personal photographer.
- This is a free country.
- Come on, Spike!
- Wait for me, pal!
Taxi!
- What's your name?
- Melvin.
- Melvin, give him $500.
- Yes, sir.
Look at all that money.
You have the most beautiful eyes.
I was hired to keep your accounts for
30 days. That's the extent of my services.
- To where is our destination?
- Monty! How you doin', pal?
Get in!
That's Spike. We're buddies.
We're all together.
200 people at $100 a head.
No. We're hungry. $200 a head. And
what's the most expensive wine you have?
That's the Chteau Lafite 1961.
It's $200 a bottle.
- You guys like Lafite?
- Yeah!
Excuse my expression,
but you think I'm a real asshole.
A country bumpkin that flashes
his money around like some big shot?
- I'm not your judge.
- What college did you go to?
That has nothing to do with anything.
Give me a break. I just wanna know
what college you went to.
All right. I went to Loyola...
Loyola, Chicago. I know
the city and I know the college.
Put that back.
And the ashtray.
What's with you? Go sit somewhere else.
Get off my back. And use your fork
instead of your fingers.
- That's how it's usually done.
- Oh, is that right?
The boss found a job for you yet,
by the way? Like "designated eater"?
Look, I don't want a job. I'm his friend.
What's that pay?
Let me hire somebody to do that for you
and we could have a lot of fun tonight.
That's very flattering,
but I'm meeting my fianc.
- Who's the lucky guy?
- Warren Cox.
He's a junior partner at my firm.
- Is he a lawyer too?
- He's not just a lawyer.
He's involved with
the Sierra Club, UNICEF,...
..and he's a sincere feminist.
I bet. A guy with so many activities,
where does he find the time for you?
It's hard sometimes.
We're tryin' to do more things together.
- I'd like to meet him sometime.
- He's a very busy man.
- I'd pay him for his time.
- I don't think so.
I know you think you can buy
everything and everybody in the world,...
..but I doubt that you could
ever buy Warren.
This is Chuck Fleming,
Action News, in Manhattan.
Now arriving at the Plaza Hotel is
Montgomery Brewster, baseball pitcher,...
..who earlier today inherited $30 million
tax-free, and is still celebrating.
Mr Brewster, what will you do
with that money?
Spend it. No, just kidding.
I'm forming a corporation tonight.
Tomorrow, we go into business.
- What kind of business is that?
- As you know, my business is baseball...
..but since I've inherited $30 million,
I have to branch out.
I've always had a soft spot for artists
and painters, writers, inventors.
I'm gonna form this business
and I want everybody to get a shot.
Even if you've been turned down
a thousand times, I'm hiring.
How many people have you
hired already, Mr Brewster?
Well, I think you should ask
my senior vice president, Spike Nolan.
Yeah. Spike. Uh, I'm paying him
$100,000 a month to figure it out.
100,000! Did you hear? 100,000 a month!
Chuck Fleming!
- Hey, are we on the air now, Chuck?
- Yes, right there.
Can I say something to all the people
who thought I was a loser?
Thanks, Chuck! Hey, Monty! Monty!
Spike Nolan, the catcher
for the Hackensack Bulls.
I would love to accommodate
you and your friends,...
..but the top two floors
have already been reserved.
They'll be occupied within two weeks.
How much are they paying you?
$100,000 a week.
- Wow! Mister, uh...
- Carter.
Mr Carter, I like your hotel.
My friends like your hotel.
- Do you like this hotel?
- I do. I love it.
He loves it, too.
Listen. I'll tell you what.
For the next month, I'll pay you...
..$1 million in cash.
Sign here, please.
Hey, Melvin.
How they hangin', my friend?
You look good. Real big league.
- Nice, huh?
- They're in the bedroom.
Thanks for your help.
Monty! Hey, Monty, old pal!
Hey, pal, get a load of this.
What d'you think?
I found it all in one shop.
This was made for Johnny Bench. He didn't
pick it up so I got it. A catcher's mask!
- Oh, Monty, I can't thank you enough.
- It's, uh... What do you think?
- Hey! They just made that for you?
- Yeah.
- Wow! Honest?
- Honest.
- Too conservative for me.
- What?
- For me! This is the new Spike Nolan!
- I know, but this is great.
Great on you, but great is your
accountant. Very nice!
Yeah, but she thinks I'm a lowlife.
- I can understand that.
- Get outta here!
Gentlemen, am I a lowlife?
- Oh, no, Mr Brewster.
- Oh, no. Not with these clothes.
- See what I mean?
- Oh, and you listen to these people?
Now, look. I know that this is none
of my business but, at this rate,...
..you'll spend your inheritance in a month
and you'll have nothing to show for it.
Excuse me, sir. There's a Mr Warren Cox
here to see Miss Drake.
Warren! How you doin'?
Monty Brewster. Pleased to meet you.
I've heard so much about you. My God!
I hear you're a swell fella.
We're drinking some champagne.
- Hello, dear.
- Hi.
I'll get this. Is it raining out?
Not at the moment, but you never know.
Better safe than sorry.
That's my philosophy, too.
- Have a drink.
- Thank you, no. I don't drink alcohol.
- Uh-oh. We'll be late for that benefit.
- Benefit?
It's the committee to ban contact sports.
Studies show that sanctioned violence
has a detrimental effect on young people.
I do a little legal work for the committee.
Not messin' with baseball, are you?
Baseball? No. Boxing, football,
ice hockey - the truly barbaric sports.
- I'd like to make a small contribution.
- I think we're gonna be very late.
Darling, this is what
the benefit is for, to raise money.
- In a sense, we're at the benefit now.
- So am l. $100,000 OK?
$100,000?
Thank you... very, very much.
- Here, have a drink.
- Thank you. I will.
- Warren, you don't even drink.
- One little sip won't hurt.
That's right.
- This is a wonderful suite you have.
- I'm glad you like it.
Look at that. Two Louis XVI chairs
with a... good tapestry fabric.
That's a nice attempt
at a classic French piano.
Maria Theresa chandelier... I see what
your decorator was trying to do.
There's a definite continuity
to all the elements in the room.
- I'd have done a few things differently...
- You know so much about all this stuff.
Well, my ex-wife Marilyn's a decorator.
I guess at lot of it rubbed off on me.
- You could really help me out.
- How's that?
Well, I'd like for you
to redecorate my offices.
I'd pay you, of course. Uh... $250,000?
- I... I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.
Mr Brewster, I'm a lawyer.
I'm sure New York is full of decorators
who would die for that opportunity.
This is so out of my field,
to use a metaphor from your profession.
If the job's too big for you, say no.
No. I mean, I'm not saying no.
Not at all. I'm not saying that.
Warren! You're a lawyer,
you are not a decorator.
What's wrong with being a decorator?
Marilyn makes a good living.
That's it! Marilyn! She could help you.
I'd pay her $100,000
if that's not an insult.
Well, I'd have to ask her,
but I think she'd be delighted.
You said you never get to see your fianc.
This way, you get to see him every day.
Just trying to be helpful.
What about your job and our honeymoon?
It would only be for two weeks. We've
got a whole lifetime for our honeymoon.
- A whole lifetime.
- It was a pleasure meeting you,...
- ..Monty?
- Warren.
Angela wanted me to call from the lobby,
but I wanted to come up and meet you,...
..mano a mano. I'm glad I did.
- Warren... me, too.
- Let's go, Warren.
Are you leaving? Oh, goodness, no.
Hey, wait a minute.
Better safe than sorry.
- Good night, Mr Brewster.
- Hey, call me Monty. Warren does.
- Hey, let me get the door.
- Thank you.
- You drive careful.
- Yes, I will.
- Good night. Nice meeting you.
- Nice meeting you.
Now that was a real asshole.
You want to take a month off to be
Mr Brewster's interior decorator?
I realise that it's a rather
unorthodox request, sir,...
..but it's an incredible opportunity.
Actually, he wants me to start working
for him this morning, in about 20 minutes.
- How much is he paying you?
- A quarter of a million dollars, sir.
Yes, we understand
that kind of opportunity.
I think a leave of absence
can be arranged.
As I'm sure you know, Mr Horn
was our most important client.
The firm is naturally concerned with...
..how Mr Brewster conducts himself
with his inheritance.
If you're in his employ,
it could make it easier for us...
..if you could act as our eyes and ears.
Absolutely. No problem.
My first loyalty would always
be to the firm.
Keep us posted.
Oh... and don't mention this conversation
to Miss Drake or anyone else.
Oh, of course not.
And thank you. Thank you both very much.
Good morning, Melvin. Here's the money.
- You think I'm crazy?
- Crazy? Of course not.
Let's go do business.
- Hi, Monty. Big day ahead, pal.
- Great! Let's kick some butt around here.
- Let's kick some butt around here.
- What?
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
I'm Morty King, king of the mimics.
Anything you say will be repeated.
I'm like a Xerox machine.
- Warren, hold it more to the left.
- Your left or my left?
There's Warren.
That must be Marilyn. Hey!
- Watch your mouth.
- Watch your mouth.
Warren, don't you remember
anything I taught you?
It's my left. It's always my left.
It's the decorator's left.
Watch out!
Oh, Warren. Are you OK?
Oh, my God. Be careful.
- Hi. I'm Monty Brewster.
- Monty Brewster!
How do you do?
I've heard so much about you.
- Please, may I call you Monty?
- Of course.
Monty, I have the most wonderful idea.
I am going to do for you
a postmodern fantasy in here.
- I knew this was a terrible idea.
- You don't like postmodern fantasy?
- Shut your eyes and see Mesopotamia...
- Mesopotamia.
- ..meeting Busby Berkeley.
- Yes, it sounds... it's a knockout.
- We're gonna knock out the walls.
- Every one. Everywhere.
- Spare no expense.
- Spare no expense.
- It's only for a month.
- And it's gonna be a very long month.
- Get four sets.
- Get four sets.
Wonderful.
Angela, I need to speak to you. Please.
Angela, did Warren tell you that,
as my wedding gift to you,...
..l'm decorating your apartment for free?
- That's great, Marilyn. Thank you.
- Pas de quoi.
Spike, you know what I'd like
you to do? Choke this guy.
Come on, asshole.
I'll give you a line on anything.
Baseball, basketball, football, ponies.
Come on with me.
I gotta get my messages.
My name is Dr Jason. I'd like
to draw your attention to this area here.
This is the Arabian desert.
It is as dry as a bone.
Ice water can cost you
as much as $5 a glass.
This is the North Pole.
It's an ice floe.
Floating throughout this region are
many icebergs, and nobody owns them.
They're PDls - public domain icebergs.
I think you're beginning to recognise
how simple this idea is.
Now. I would like to go there
and select a good-size iceberg,...
..dig out a chamber from its rear,...
..drop in two 20,000-horsepower
diesel engines,...
..and sail Brewster's Berg
Number One to Mecca.
- What do you think, sir?
- I don't know what to think.
Hello. Yes? What? It went up?
- Well, sell it.
- Don't sell it. You buy when it's like that.
- Great idea. What's your name?
- Luther.
I want to bet on every long shot in every
race, over 50-1, this week at Aqueduct.
For the week? Yeah, I can cover it.
- How much would it take to do this?
- Oh, no. It melts and he knows it.
We would experience a loss
of only 18% on the entire trip.
Hey! Think of what that means
to all those thirsty Arab farmers.
- What thirsty Arab farmers?
- There aren't any.
There's no farmers in the desert, Monty!
Well, I think that's unfair.
"Loyola vs Notre Dame?"
In a field-hockey game? This is fabulous!
- You went to Loyola.
- You gotta be kidding.
I wanna bet $50,000 that Loyola wins.
$50,000 on Loyola over Notre Dame and
$5,000 on every long shot for the week.
You are down.
It's field hockey!
If I gave you $1 million for this,
would that be enough?
$1 million. That would be great, sir.
- Hello.
- Brewster!
- Charley! How you doin'?
- All right!
- I just bought an iceberg.
- Not yet, he hasn't.
- And I rented a whole stadium.
- What?
I'm gonna spare no expense
in fixing it up...
..and making it look like
a big-league stadium...
..because we're gonna play
an exhibition game with the Yankees.
- The Yank.ees?
- New York Yankees.
- I gotta get the guys on the bus.
- Don't take the bus.
Chuck Fleming. I'm at Battery Park with
Montgomery Brewster and entourage,...
..awaiting the arrival
of the Hackensack Bulls,...
..here to tune up for an unprecedented
game with the New York Yankees.
Yee-ha ha!
For Christ's sake, you fly
us all the way from Jersey,...
..then you get these choppers
to fly us back here.
By bus, we'd have been
here two hours ago.
Not my team. From now on,
we travel first class!
Charley, welcome to New York City!
You guys look great.
How you like the new uniforms?
Wait till you see the apartments
I rented for you guys.
He rented apartments for these guys?
Apartments? Penthouses
with swimming pools.
27 players, everybody's
got their own place.
We're gonna have a lotta fun, we're gonna
get in shape and beat the Yankees!
You oughtta lock him up for his own good.
What's he think he's doin'? The Yankees
see this, they're gonna rub it in.
Come on, Charley, relax! Enjoy yourself!
I hope we haven't underestimated him.
- I beg your pardon?
- Oh, you're doing fine.
This is the kind of flagrant misuse
of money we want to be apprised of.
He's wasting millions of dollars. Look
at what he's spent on the decorations.
Wait till you see the practice field.
It's great. I'm gonna have
the bus take us over to the island.
- The practice field's on Long lsland?
- Yeah.
The airport's on Long lsland.
You flew us in from the airport to here
so we could take the bus back?
I couldn't get the band on the runway.
They wouldn't let me,
no matter how much money I offered.
Oh, yeah. You can't play
baseball without a band.
Right. Come on, let's get on the bus.
Come on. Move it!
Beautiful, Benny!
Pick it up! The white ball!
Hey, come on!
I don't know what's the matter with them.
We play better than that.
Maybe they're a little tight.
Maybe they're tired from that long flight
you chartered for them from Newark.
I'm gonna go warm up, Miss Drake.
Why don't you try the same?
Hey, come on! Look good out there!
Let's do 6-4-3. Pepper it up!
Collins, you got trouble with your glove?
Try catchin' it with your ass.
Hi, operator? Mr Brewster's suite, please.
- What?
- Hi, Brewster. This is Angela.
- Angela who?
- Angela Drak.e.
- Miss Drake.
- Could I come up and talk. to you?
- Talk to me now?
- Mm-hm.
- Perhaps in the morning.
- It's important. I need to see you now.
- Can't you tell me over the phone?
- No, because, look....
This could do both of us a world of
good, ifyou k.now what I mean.
- Have you been drinking?
- No, not at all.
And you wanna come up here
to my room now?
Mm-hm.
- Miss Drake?
- Uh-huh?
- Angela.
- Yes.
- Give me five minutes.
- 0K.
Miss Drake says there's
a mad bomber in the building.
They're getting the people
out of the hotel.
Listen. Just get your wrap
and you go away.
You can come back tomorrow.
We can start all over.
- Well? Did he fall for it?
- Yeah, he fell for it.
We're doing it for his own good!
Come on!
Adieu.
I was expecting you. The door's open.
Come in. The door's open.
Angela, hello.
Hello, Angela. Just be cool.
- Hi, Spike.
- Hi.
She's really a very nice girl...
- Hi.
- Hi, Spike.
The door's open. Come in.
- Hi. Eugene Provost, financial adviser.
- Who in hell's this?
- A money man.
Money?
For the past five years,
this guy's predicted 88%.
88% of what this guy says makes money.
88.4% to be exact, but who's counting?
I'm so confident of my ability, I will
only take 15% of your profits after taxes.
In other words, I only get paid
if you profit from my advice.
- Then you're hired.
- $100,000 a week plus 15%.
Monty, the man doesn't
want the $100,000.
The man's gonna have to take
$100,000. That's what the job pays.
$100,000 a week plus 15%.
What do you say?
- I'll make an exception in your case.
- Good!
Sure. Join the club.
Hey. 9.15. This is way
past your bedtime, Miss Drake.
You'll never know, Mr Brewster.
Be sure to get home before the sun
comes up. D'you know what I mean?
Good night, gentlemen.
Come on. Settle down, will ya?
Throw your arm out.
Goddamn it. She's gonna be real mad
when she finds out what's goin' on.
Will you forget about Angela?
She's a bad investment.
Eugene is helping me out
with my investments.
You know... precious metals, some rare
coins, some old stamps, stuff like that.
- He says it's a ledge against inflation.
- Stamps.
Thank you.
Do you sell stamps?
I think that you want
the stationery store across the street.
The stamps we have
are very rare, very expensive.
How expensive?
- Well, let me show you, Mr, uh...
- Montgomery Brewster.
Montgomery Brewster! I have been
reading about you in the newspaper.
I'd like to see your most expensive stamp.
Ah! One moment.
This may be the first intelligent
thing he's done with his money.
Maybe he's coming to his senses.
What do you think?
I'm getting paid to take pictures.
My job is not to interpret reality.
- You're a real jerk, you know that?
- Ain't that the truth.
Tell it to my accountant.
As you can see, the airplane was
accidentally printed upside down.
Of the 100 of these stamps
originally printed,...
..this is the only known copy in existence.
Baron Levitsky recently offered $850,000
for it and I laughed in his face.
I'd say the stamp he's bought
is a considerable asset.
He doesn't even understand the rules
yet. Let's see him get out of this one.
- Good morning. Here's the mail.
- Thank you.
- Is there anything else I can do?
- Hold on a minute.
- Norris.
- Hm?
Hackensack Bulls.
"Having a wonderful time. Wish you
were here. Best wishes, Monty Brewster."
God!
It isn't an asset any more.
He's mailed it.
- Get Cox over here.
- Right away, sir.
The son of a bitch.
So, in confidence,
you can see it's vital to the firm...
..that Brewster does not succeed
in spending $30 million.
He's made a fool of you and your ex-wife.
We think he has designs on your fiance.
An error in book-keeping discovered
at the last moment should do the trick.
Say a $20,000 mistake in Mr Brewster's
favour. It'll be our insurance policy.
And the $300 million will go to the firm.
Granville, Baxter and Cox.
Welcome aboard, Warren.
The big story on Wall Street
is that lcebergs lnternational...
..has been bought out
by Wometco Petroleum...
..in order to secure tax benefits within
the common mark.et. This will enable...
- Is he a genius, or is he a genius?
- Can't understand it, Mr Brewster?
The stock., which was valued at 1/, now
has a par value of over $9 a share.
I wanna sell my stock in the lceberg.
Sell? Oh, no. That doesn't seem
like a very smart thing...
- Mr Brewster?
- What?
The parent company, Wometco, is one
of the strongest in the petroleum market.
They've been good performers
in profits and dividends.
Don't sell. You've got obligations. A huge
payroll, overhead, retirement plans.
- You don't wanna lay anyone off, do ya?
- No, I don't.
Count it. It's all here.
Nothing but long shots, huh?
You just won yourself a cool
million five, wise guy.
The word is out on you. I had
to lay these bets off all over town.
You don't make another bet
in this city again, ever!
Loyola 18, Notre Dame, zilch.
Thanks a lot, baby.
This is unreported income
gained from an illegal venture.
I recommend that you
dispatch a courier to Switzerland...
..and deposit this money
in a secret account.
I don't want it. I'll give it to charity.
- What's your favourite charity?
- There are many worthwhile charities.
Many worthwhile charities!
Divide it up amongst
the many charities and give it to them.
And go back to work,
because this is a business,...
..and we're doing business
and nobody's business.
Do it. Business.
Good. I want business done.
That was so wonderful
what you just did in there.
I know you think I'm always complaining,...
..but I can't stand seeing
these people take advantage of you.
I appreciate what you're trying to do,
but you don't know what I'm trying to do.
- What are you trying to do?
- What I'm trying to do...
Monty.
- Could you step in here for a moment?
- Of course, Marilyn.
- Good afternoon, Angela.
- Hello, Marilyn.
Well, Monty. What do you think
of our postmodern fantasy?
Hello, darling. Marilyn's really outdone
herself this time, don't you think?
It's good. It is very good, Marilyn.
But it's not great. I want you to reach
deep down inside yourself this time...
..and come up with something unique.
I wanna walk in this room and say
"Monty, I wanna die in this room."
I wanna die in this room, Marilyn.
And double the workmen's salary.
I mean, they look exhausted.
Help out. Come on! It's a business.
Angela! I'm not gonna be able
to make dinner, darling.
- There's just too much to be done.
- Whatever you say, Warren.
A room you want to die in.
- What?
- What were you trying to tell me?
I don't know how to say this. Even though
I'm not the person you thought I was,...
..l'm not the person that
you think I am now either.
But why does making money
make you miserable,...
- ..and when you lose it, you act happy?
- I can't get used to being rich.
But you mustn't just squander the money.
Squander it? I'm making millions.
We got off to a bad start. I thought we'd
take a ride and get to know each other.
You'll find out I'm not such a bad guy.
- Miss Drake, your chariot awaits.
- Oh, no. I can't accept this.
- This is a $125,000 car.
- Eugene said I needed a tax write-off.
Can't we take a ride
without having an argument?
I promise not to spend any money...
except on you for lunch.
All right. But lunch and then that's it.
- So where shall we go?
- You're drivin'.
Ooh, there's a nice little restaurant
near the place where I grew up.
It's not fancy, but...
What the... Are you all right?
- I think so.
- Are you sure?
I'm terribly sorry. The parking
attendant left my car in first.
When I turned on the ignition,
it shot forward. Are you all right?
- Fine, but you look hurt.
- Honestly, I'm fine.
Look, here's my driver's licence.
Great! Don't be ridiculous. Put that away.
You're in a state of shock.
Emotional trauma.
- What are you talkin' about?
- Brain damage. He doesn't know.
Hey, George! Get an ambulance!
Are you all right, Mr Brewster?
Brewster? Montgomery Brewster?
Yes, that's me.
I don't feel very good.
I'm starting to lose feeling in my legs.
- Stop it! Can't you see he's faking?
- I can't have this on my conscience.
Dear sir. Could you settle this out of court
for a couple of hundred thousand dollars?
- Two ex-wives.
- Two ex-wives?
300,000?
You go to the doctor's right away, OK?
You give him this for a prescription...
and you'll be all right.
- Thank you.
- Have a good day!
Get a cold compress
for that thing on your head.
Nice man.
See, the cheque'll be a receipt.
I'm starving. I'm ready to go to
lunch now. I wanna meet your family.
Meet my family?
What do you wanna do? Buy 'em?
I would be ashamed
to introduce my family to you!
Angela! Wait. Listen to me.
Angela! Will you wait a minute? I did the
best I could. That wasn't that man's fault.
The first time you get
some money, what do you do?
You spend it and show off.
You just gave away $300,000!
Oh, my God.
Oh, look at that. Isn't that awful?
I don't believe it. How tasteless.
That girl is ungrateful, considering all the
things you've done to try to improve her.
I just think this is unforgivable.
Thank you.
You may not be interested
in what Marilyn and I are doing,...
..but we have a real shot
at getting our work into AD next month.
- AD?
- Architectural Digest.
That's wonderful.
I'm happy for you and Marilyn.
- Are you all right?
- I'm not very happy with this situation.
- You could have fooled me.
- What's that supposed to mean?
That you and Monty seem
to be getting along well.
Give everybody else in here whatever
they're drinking. Champagne, anything.
Yes, sir.
Drinks on the house!
Courtesy of Mr Brewster.
Monty Brewster's extravagance
k.nows no bounds.
After paying the highest-recorded
price for a stamp,...
..Brewster today shelled out
a record $600,000...
..for five cases of
114-year-old French wine.
He stunned the crowd at the auction house
by not only paying in cash for the wine,...
..but by opening all 60 bottles
at a reception for the public afterwards.
At $10,000 a bottle, that's gotta be the
most expensive hangover I've heard of.
- Angela?
- What?
I asked if your feelings had changed.
How can I make it any clearer?
Can you pay for the drinks and let's go?
The drinks are on Monty.
- Brewster?
- Yes?
Looks like you've got
a busy evening ahead of you.
Yeah, I'm too busy to have fun.
I gotta spend money.
- Mailing that stamp was quite ingenious.
- You like that? And the wine auction?
Again, very imaginative. I understand
it cost $600,000, according to Miss Drake.
There she goes again, as usual.
I am tired of acting like a rich
asshole for everybody. I'm fed up.
I should've took Uncle Rupert's wimp
clause. I don't think I can pull this off.
I don't know, but that baseball game
you're planning sounds like a good step.
My left leg. See? I planted it
down wrong. I was off balance.
Ooh! Go ahead, Monty.
Now that's the Monty I know.
Hi, Monty. How's it going, buddy?
- Tell him the good news.
- You tell him.
- I got good news and bad news.
- Tell him the bad news first.
The bad news is I did what you wanted me
to do. I got rid of your lceberg stocks.
- That's great.
- You ready for the good news?
I took Eugene's advice. I admit, without
you knowing, I used the corporate name.
- I made some investments for you.
- That's OK.
What did I buy?
A commodity thing, an oil well...
- He just made you $10 million.
- $10 million!
- Woo-hoo hoo! Yee-ha ha!
- Isn't that wonderful?
Ten million, ten million,
ten million dollars!
No! Damn it!
I'm right back where I started, damn it!
Jesus.
$10 million. $10 million.
What's the matter, Monty?
I make the guy $10 million
and he acts like it's a funeral.
It's American money.
Congratulations.
About that furniture
you wanted us to rent.
I'm afraid the company requires
a substantial cash deposit. $20,000.
$20,000. Hey, don't forget.
To give Angela the receipt? I know.
- Have to keep those books straight.
- Yeah.
So long.
I'd like to be alone... by myself.
No problem. You must be getting
psyched up for the Yankee game.
He always does this. He gets cranky cos
he's getting psyched up for a big game.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
This time we'll just leave him alone.
- I don't get it.
- Yeah, what is with him?
- We should consider psychiatric help.
- What are you? Nuts?
OK.
With two week.s until the election,
this station is sorry to report...
..that it is unable to endorse either of
the candidates for mayor of New York..
Both Mr Heller and Mr Salvino have been
pumping scandalous amounts of money...
..into slick. advertising campaigns that, so
far, have only demonstrated their ability...
..to slander each other
and squander campaign contributions.
In the view of this station, the only
issue being raised by this debate...
..is whether the city
of New York. is for sale,...
..andjust how much slush money
it will tak.e to buy it.
Running for office is expensive, and it's
unheard of to do it with your own money.
- Yeah. What's he know about politics?
- He's trying to do some good.
I've figured this out. That's why
he gets upset when he makes a profit.
It makes him feel guilty. He's trying
to do the right thing for once in his life.
Mr Brewster! Mr Brewster!
Mr Brewster, could you
give us your reasons...
..for your sudden
and unexpected candidacy?
I figure voting for Salvino or Heller is
just as silly as them running for office.
That's as silly as me running for office.
What is not silly is the power
of the people's vote.
I think the people should use
it to vote for...
..none of the above!
Are we to understand that you don't
actually want anyone to vote for you?
What I'm saying is I think
only an idiot would vote for me.
Mr Brewster, have you taken positions
on any of the issues facing the city?
Sanitation, union corruption...
The bottom line is
I'm here to buy your votes.
With only 10 days left
before the election,...
..how will you find support
for that position?
I don't expect support. I'm asking people
not to send money in to my candidacy.
They should keep their money.
They'll need it after this election.
Monty Brewster. That's me, right?
Tonight, I'm here to talk to you
about "None of the above".
You know how, at election time,
you decide not to vote...
..because the two candidates
are so repulsive?
Repulsive's not the word.
We 're all full of shit.
I didn't think you could use
that kind of language on television.
Maybe he's just trying
to get his point across.
I never wear a suit and a tie. Never.
These are just things politicians use to
trick. you into think.ing they're respectable.
Well... to the politician, huh?
- He bought prime time on every station?
- Worse than that, he's on network.
He's running spots in all 52 states
in case any New Yorkers are on vacation.
Write in "None of the above"
on your ballot.
Don't vote for any of us. We 're assholes.
We 'll only mak.e things worse.
Let's drink. to it.
I wanna thank you
for coming out today...
..to see to it that neither my opponents
nor me win the election.
I wanna ask the question.
- Who's buying the booze?
- You are!
- Who's buying the food?
- You are!
- And who's tryin' to buy your vote?
- You are!
- And who you're gonna vote for?
- None of the above!
- Say it again!
- None of the above!
- Let me hear it one more time!
- None of the above!
Brewster! Brewster! Brewster!
Call it outrageous.
Call it a breath of fresh air.
But what you can no longer
call it is a jok.e campaign.
Eccentric multimillionaire
Montgomery Brewster...
..is electrifying crowds
and is starting to show up in the polls.
All this reporter can say is I hate to
see what he could do if he was serious.
So, what do you wanna talk about?
- Me? Your people called my people.
- Bullshit. Your people moved first.
What's the difference?
We got the same problem.
Brewster.
You heard what he said about us
yesterday. I'll quote it for you.
"Heller and Salvino are both just
a couple of overgrown wharf rats."
"Why else would anybody spend $10
million to get a $60,000-a-year job...
..unless he planned to steal
it back with interest?"
You and I are gonna sue him
for every cent he's got.
That's very good, Heller. Very good.
I called 'em a couple
of overgrown wharf rats...
..and I had to pay 'em $4 million
for the emotional damage it did.
- What do you think of your opponents?
- They're slime. You can quote me.
Don't quote him, please.
Any prediction on the game?
I'm takin' that game more serious
than I am this election.
Can we take anything you say seriously?
It's like the saying: "If bullshit
were money, I'd be a millionaire."
Well, I'm a millionaire.
He didn't mean that.
Don't you dare quote him on that.
You must be so nervous about this
game. You put everything into it.
Not everything, but a lot.
This is my big day.
I'm pitching against the Yankees.
I can get any team out for three innings.
Good afternoon. The New York.
Yank.ee baseball network. is on the air.
We've got a special edition
of Yankee baseball,...
..a special three-inning exhibition game...
..between the New York. Yank.ees
and - are you ready for this? -
the Hack.ensack. Bulls.
I know they're the Yankees. You know
how many years I listened to you guys...
..complaining about
you never get your shot?
Well, today we get our shot.
There's gonna be sports writers there.
Newscasters, TV, radio.
Johnson, you're 26 years old, right?
You got a great glove. Perfect swing.
But if you don't show your stuff
out there, nobody's gonna know it.
Hey, you guys!
Let's go out there and kick a little ass!
And the Hackensack Bulls
take the playing field!
That was a great speech you made.
I know you got something to prove,
but don't try to show these guys up.
Monty looks so tiny. Those Yankees
look so big. Can he get hurt?
Nah. They'll just take his fast balls
and dent some cars in the parkin' lot.
I better move my limousine.
No votes for Brewster!
None of the above!
Hear this crowd go crazy.
That's for Montgomery Brewster.
That financial-world wizard
who came on the scene...
..and continues to thrill and delight
the fans of this stadium.
None of the above! None of the above!
All right! Let's play ball.
- Hackensack Bulls, huh?
- That's the name.
Robby digs in and we're under way.
Monty Brewster peers in at his sign
and kicks in the first pitch.
- Change-up?
- No, that was his fastball.
I guess you'd have to call that
his change-up, hey, Biff?
- Swing on, it's a hotshot.
- Out!
You are out.
Ken Dixon stepping in for the Yanks. Biff?
Dixon's reputation as
a tough competitor is legendary, Vinnie.
Hey, Ken Dixon. It's a pleasure
to be on the same field.
I admire your work. You're a great hitter.
- That pitcher of yours thinks he's cute.
- He sure does.
You had a great season
this year, Mr Dixon.
I saw that game in Boston
back in June, was it?
- Saw that game?
- Yeah, I saw that game.
I tell you. Great game. Two home runs.
A triple. Six RBls. I can't believe...
- ..you didn't make the all-star team.
- I didn't believe it either.
That was a foul ball.
Come on, Monty. Keep it in there.
- Dixon, I saw your wife on television.
- Yeah?
- She sure is an ugly bitch.
- Thanks.
- Strike three, you're out!
And you shut up. Get outta here.
You shut up. Get outta here.
- You shut up.
- What did I say?
- What happened, man?
- He called my wife an ugly bitch.
- Snack bar!
- I'm a snack bar? You're an asshole.
It's a heated exchange. Looks like this
game may have some real spirit after all.
It's all right. Come on.
One word out of you, fat boy,
and you eat your mask.
You won't talk to me
the way you did Dixon.
Can I help it if a guy can't take a joke?
Have you ever seen his wife?
Yeah. Ugly bitch!
There's a long drive to
deep centre field. Back., back., way back..
Mik.e Scharf with
a brilliant leaping catch.
- Uh-huh?
- Warren Cox. You're expecting me.
Uh, yeah, right. The refund.
Yes. It's $20,000. That's the receipt.
I'm glad to get rid of it. Don't like
having that kind of money around here.
The boss wasn't too happy when he found
out Mr Brewster didn't like the furniture.
Yes, it's a pity, but he has no taste.
By the way, how's the big game coming?
Bulls are ahead one-zip, but
they're starting to hit 'em.
Right.
No, no, no, no, no!
Ken Dixon driving
a grand-slam home run...
..and the Yank.ees lead it four to one.
Listen to that scattered
applause here in Hack.ensack..
Sounds more lik.e a death k.nell.
That is true Yankee baseball
there, my friend.
New York Yankee power has burst
a balloon over Hackensack, New Jersey.
Wouldn't you know that the Bronx
Bombers'd be the bad guys?
Oh, my!
Gotta take you out, kid.
He just got lucky, Monty.
Hey, you did good, Brewster. Real good.
I'm proud of you and all the guys.
What the hell,
this is the New York Yankees.
Play ball!
That was a valiant effort. Your Uncle
Rupert would've been proud of you.
I thought my Uncle Rupert
didn't like losers.
Mr Brewster, I don't think you're a loser.
If it's the money you're worried about,
don't. I only have $38,000 left.
I could spend that tonight in my sleep.
Yes, but it looks like
you could win this election.
The job carries a $60,000 annual salary,...
..which would be considered
an asset by the terms of the will.
OK, here are the final totals. For the
Yankees to win, four runs on four hits...
Wait a minute.
Somethin' might be goin' on.
It looks like Brewster's
gonna address this crowd of folks.
Kill the commercial, fellas.
We're gonna stay right here.
I'd like to take my hat off to the Yankees.
Anybody can inherit millions of dollars
and buy hisself an election,...
..but it takes a real athlete
to be a professional baseball player.
And that's what all these gentlemen
here are today. Real professionals.
See, the election was
supposed to be a joke.
I didn't expect anybody to vote for me.
I didn't think I'd be taken seriously.
I thought "None of the above"
was a pretty good idea.
I don't wanna be mayor. I never did.
How about that, Biff? Monty Brewster
is withdrawing from the election.
It's not all downhill. I mean I still got...
..$38,000 left.
I'm gonna throw a party tonight
at the hotel in New York...
..and you're all invited.
Hi.
I thought I'd find you here.
Since Warren's not around, I thought
maybe I could escort you to the party.
I'm sorry about you retiring from baseball.
I know how much it meant to you.
That's all right.
It happens to everyone sooner or later.
- It's the nature of the game.
- Yeah.
I don't think there's anything
left here for me to add up,...
- ..so I guess this is goodbye.
- Don't you wanna go to the party?
Oh, no. I couldn't stand another one.
I don't see what you
could possibly be celebrating...
..unless you think it's OK
to squander $30 million?
I don't. I just think maybe
it was a phase I was going through.
Tomorrow I won't be like this any more.
Come tomorrow, you are dead broke.
It's all over.
You don't even have a job playing
baseball any more and what do you do?
You throw a party with your last 38,000!
I pissed off so much money, I figured
what difference does $38,000 make.
How dare you? That's more money than a
lot of hardworking people earn in a year.
Get your values together
cos you'll need 'em.
Wait until tomorrow, then
you'll know what this is about.
Just forget it. I hope you have fun
at that party cos that's all you got left.
I love you.
Mr Donaldo, we're accepting
contributions for Mr Brewster...
..since he's currently insolvent.
Yeah. Put some money in here now.
I didn't bring my wallet.
I thought this was a free party.
- I see. Too bad.
- Do you put your money in tin cans?
You got it, big boy.
This gravy train ain't gonna run for ever.
Oh-ho, what's this?
Well, thank you very much.
This is generous of you. Very generous.
I'm gonna put you on
my Christmas-card list.
How about a glass of champagne?
How about a bottle of champagne?
I'm gonna get drunk.
Monty!
Monty, good news, pal. Good news.
Mr Brewster, I think you're a hell of a nice
man and we took up a collection for you.
You've paid us all so much money,
we feel bad now that you're broke...
..so would you take this money, please?
I really appreciate this, but you know me.
I'll just spend it. I can't take it.
- Brother, take the money, please.
- I can't.
- Take the money.
- No.
I know. You don't want charity.
Forget the charity.
I was gonna save this for a rainy day.
I tell ya now, it's raining.
Except for a few suits that I bought,
I saved almost every penny you gave me.
Now, I got an idea.
We're gonna buy a Corvette and drive
across country to the Rocky Mountains.
- We'll buy a cabin and go fishing...
- Spike, you're beautiful, man. You are.
- But you don't know. Tomorrow...
- Yeah?
Almost let the cat out
of the bag, Uncle Rupert.
What are you talkin' about?
I can't tell my closest friend
cos my Uncle Rupert's a son of a bitch.
- Why? What are you saying?
- Uh...
Hey, it's supposed to be a party.
It's a party! How come everybody
ain't dancing and having a good time?
I mean, what? Somebody die?
I gotta get full value for my money.
You heard him. He said he doesn't want it.
Did you really spend all that money?
Nice friend I turned out to be. You give
me money so I could play catch with you?
Spike, you don't understand.
Nobody understands.
I don't even understand any more.
And I am sick of money.
I'm gonna take this
and I'm gonna go and get tore up.
Give me a few bottles
of what he's drinking, all right?
It's after three, Mr Brewster.
Checkout time?
I'm afraid you'll have to leave now.
Like I always said, Mr Carter.
You're a real nice man.
I believe everything you're wearing
belongs to us, Mr Brewster.
I almost forgot.
Just the clothes on my back.
That's what they said.
Piss off $30 million.
Makes a lot of sense, Uncle Rupert.
You asshole.
I'm gonna recommend
your shop to all my friends.
You lease some great clothes. All of 'em.
Keep this, too.
Monty? Well, hello.
I hardly recognised you.
It's ready, sir. What do you think?
Do you like it?
Marilyn, this is the room I could die in.
Thank God.
I'm so glad.
OK, boys.
Take it all back.
I wish you had the dough
to keep it, Monty.
- Taxicab, Mr Brewster?
- I can't afford it now. I'm outta money.
You'll never guess who I voted for
this morning. "None of the above".
That's good.
That's real good.
This is Chuck Fleming in Times Square.
That newsflash tells it all.
Former candidate Montgomery
Brewster,...
..who withdrew from the campaign
yesterday, and apparently dead broke,...
..checked out of his hotel
a few hours ago,...
..wearing the baseball jersey
and cap he had on 30 days ago.
Where is he now? Nobody seems to know.
We followed his roller-coaster
ride of success and failure...
..and now it would seem to be over.
But those of you following the election
results know that that's not so.
If you're out there, Monty, turn on a radio
or a TV set or pick up a newspaper.
I think you might be proud of
what's happened in this city today.
Chuck Fleming, Action News.
Oh, Monty. Just the man I wanted to see.
I've got wonderful news.
No, wonderful, wonderful news.
Do you remember the $20,000 that you
gave me as a deposit on the furniture?
Well, here it is. You're not broke after all.
Isn't that fortunate?
- Three minutes.
- I'm sorry, Roundfield,...
..but our records indicate Brewster
still has a substantial amount of money.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
I can't believe it! I quit!
I guess I didn't do so good.
I still got $20,000 left.
Look, I know I lost and everything...
..so I'll sign what you want
me to sign and leave.
- Give him the quitclaim papers.
- Use my pen.
Mr Brewster, you still have
two full minutes.
Two full minutes for what?
I blew it. I'm burnt out.
We were rooting for you all the way.
- Warren, what are you doing?
- Ssh! He's about to sign it all away.
- What are you doing here?
- Closing out Brewster's account.
- Sign what away?
- Ssh! I guess I can let you in on it now.
In a few seconds I'm gonna be a full
partner, as soon as he signs that paper.
See, the reason that
he blew the $30 million...
..was so he could get
his real inheritance of $300 million.
He had to spend all that money?
Why didn't he tell me?
It was a condition of the will.
He had to keep it a secret.
If it's such a big secret,
how come you know all about it?
I'm afraid that too is a secret.
Uh-uh. He did spend that money.
I have the receipts.
Maybe you're not so thorough.
Remember the Dawson and Clark account?
Fine custom furniture and draperies?
- No! Give me that!
- Monty, stop! Don't sign anything!
Miss Drake! This is a private meeting.
Leave or you'll be fired.
Sign right here.
Warren cheated. They put him up to it.
He withheld the $20,000 deposit...
..so Monty would think he'd spent it.
I forgot to give her the receipt.
It was an honest mistake.
Gentlemen, is there any truth
to this accusation?
Preposterous. We're completely innocent.
- You are fired, Miss Drake.
- Oooh.
My lucky day, huh, Warren?
You're my pal, right?
You're a liar, Warren.
You tricked me! Set me up!
No, no, no. That was just a coincidence.
You're a terrible liar
and an awful decorator.
- It's better than being rabbits.
- What are you insinuating?
You're a big girl. You figure it out.
Hold it, hold it, sister. Take it easy.
You're a lady.
I want you to remain a lady.
That's excellent advice,
Mr Brewster, but a little late.
I'm glad you did that because
I'm gonna sue you for so much money,...
..you'll be in debt to me for life.
How d'you like to settle
out of court for $20,000 in cash?
You think I came down with the last
drop of rain? I'm not falling for that.
No settlements. I'm taking you to court.
What are you gonna do?
When that clock strikes 12,
you are dead broke for life.
You're a loser. A real loser.
I'll need an attorney.
Will $20,000 be enough of a retainer?
- I'm a paralegal. I don't have a degree.
- You can get one with $20,000.
- You need a receipt!
I'll give you a receipt.
Please! Hurry, please.
As the executor of your
great-uncle's will, I hereby declare...
..that the full inheritance
of $300 million is yours.
Wow!
Congratulations.
Gentlemen, I sense
conspiracy to defraud here.
I'll have to order a full investigation,
with your consent, Mr Brewster.
Well... Send 'em to the showers.
It'll take 20 years to dry off where
you're goin'. Better take a big towel.
Mr Roundfield, you're a real nice man.
Thank you very much.
You're a real nice man.
Warren, better learn the blues.
You know...
# Hey, baby, I'm sorry I did it
# I didn't mean to do it
# We got the money
# "In The Nick of Time" by Patti LaBelle