Brian Simpson: Live from the Mothership (2024) Movie Script
["Prestige" by J Soulja playing]
[man rapping]
[audience cheering]
["Prestige" fades]
[speaking indistinctly]
Can you hold that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yes. Sim... Simmer down. Simmer down.
[sighs]
White people.
Y'all racist.
I... I like to start out
with my racial material,
just to see who's a bitch, you know?
So, some people can't handle it.
It's like, white people, can we just stop
acting like... like... All y'all are racist.
There's various degrees of it,
but like y'all so afraid to admit it,
ya know, it's like...
That's why it won't go away,
niggas don't wanna be like,
"I'm a little racist, you know."
'Cause see, this how you know
how racist you are, okay?
There's a... There's a... There's an amount
of Black people that could've
been in here when you walked in
that would've made you go,
"Wait a minute."
"Am I in the right... place."
That's how racist you are. That...
That number of people
is how racist you are.
You used to things being white things.
'Cause that's what racism really is.
It's not about who you hate
or don't or love.
I mean, listen, obviously
there's racists that hate people.
Those are the professional racists.
But all you amateur racists,
it's still racist, you know?
'Cause you see a racist
as a bad, evil person.
And since you don't see yourself
as a bad, evil person,
you think that
you ain't never been racist.
And that's where you fucking up at.
'Cause racism don't got nothing to do
with whether you a good person
or whether you love or hate Black people.
It's about your perspective.
Like the way you've been brought up
to see the world and where you rank in it,
who's beneath you and who's above you.
That's what it is.
Right? Anybody could be racist.
I'll give you a perfect example.
I Ubered here
a few weeks ago.
I Ubered here, had a spot here, Ubered.
I go to get in the car,
soon as my hand touched the handle,
the lady looked back and went,
"Oh my God!" and pulled off.
- Right?
- [man] No!
Now, does she hate Black people?
[man] Yes.
Who know... Maybe.
Maybe, maybe not, you know,
but all we can say for sure,
is that her reflex to seeing
a Black man try to get in her car
was that, "I'm in danger!"
And listen, she came back around.
I watched her on the app,
she was coming back around.
And, uh...
I was in a hurry,
I ain't gonna cancel, you know.
So I get in the car, you know, and, um,
I don't let her off the hook,
I keep it silent,
I don't say nothing.
I let it cook, you know?
And eventually,
she broke the silence, and she went,
"Listen...
I am so... sorry."
"You just never know who'll try
to get in your car around here."
And I said,
"Actually, bitch, that's what Uber is."
They... They tell you
who is gonna get in your car... around here.
That's how...
you would explain Uber to somebody.
They... They give you a picture
and GPS coordinates.
Right? But she was so afraid
of admitting it was racism,
she was doing all this other bullshit.
She could've just been like, "Know what?
It's a little racism, I'm working on it."
You know what she did instead?
She changed the music.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When I got in the car,
she was listening to, like, you know,
Hall & Oates, or some shit like that.
And she tried to change it to rap music.
To try and make me feel better
and, like, calm the situation, you know?
And it worked. It was early Drake,
you know, very... very soothing. Um...
[man] Yeah!
And I'm being perfectly honest, she was
the best Uber driver I've ever had.
She was whippin'
this fuckin' Subaru, you hear me?
And she got me here on time.
That's what really matters.
Yeah, safe and on time,
good temperature, good smell.
She had mints, snacks, chargers.
Yeah, and I'm an "all's well
that ends well," kind of guy.
I keep it a buck,
I'm not gonna hold a grudge.
I still gave her three out of five stars.
You know?
I took off one star
for the racism, obviously.
You can't just
let that go unpunished, you know?
And I took off another star
'cause she was a Black woman.
I said, "Come on, sis."
Um...
No. Sometimes it be
your own people acting funny, right?
Sometimes they do, they do.
Now, a lot of y'all
don't know this about me, maybe,
but I am a Marine Corp veteran,
right? And I...
- [loud cheering]
- No, no.
Right, right, I guess it makes sense
to cheer before you know my story.
But it wasn't even like that at all,
like I wasn't heroic, whatsoever.
Um... y'all got the wrong idea, like...
You know, minorities don't...
mostly don't join the military
out of... out of patriotism.
Nah...
I joined in... in March
of 2001.
[man] Oh, damn.
Yeah, six months before 9/11.
I was just trying
to go to school, you know?
Yeah, 9/11 was my 9/11, personally.
It just threw my whole plan off.
And I...
Nah, nah, no, don't get it twisted.
I'm not a traitor.
I'm not a traitor,
you know, I love my country.
I'm not in love, you know, but I...
Like, I'm... I was never willing to...
I was never willing to die for my country.
But I was always willing to help
kill somebody for my country.
So... I think that's the most
you can expect from,
till we get reparations,
or something, up out up here, um...
But listen, the only reason
I bring it up, you know,
I didn't want...
I didn't do it for the heroic cheers.
I just brought it up 'cause, you know,
I was... I was the only Black person
in my platoon for a minute, you know?
So I kinda became an expert
in, uh, talking to white people
about race, you know.
Y'all got a lot of questions.
Um...
And that's how I know
it's pointless, you know?
Yeah, I never changed nobody's mind,
I wasted a lot of conversation.
Nobody got better.
You ever met somebody,
uh, that was racist,
and then you ran into 'em ten years later
and they was less racist?
No. No. It doesn't work.
I'm retired from being the...
your first Black friend. I'm...
I'm too old for that, I'm 40.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not a starter Negro for you.
If you don't have...
If you don't have other Black friends
before you meet me,
then that's a wrap for you.
I'm not doing it, you know?
I don't want you
to get it twisted, though.
Some people just assume
what I think about shit,
that, like, I'm wokey-woke
'cause I fuckin'... I'm anti-racism.
But that's mostly 'cause it benefits me
and people I care about.
I'm... I'm really a piece of shit
underneath it all, you know?
Um... I'm comfortable with that, you know?
I got a lot of ideas.
I do drugs, and I have ideas.
[people] Whoo! Whoo!
One of my favorite things to do...
One of my favorite things to do
is I like to get
uh, v... very high
right before I go to bed.
[people] Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like... like
1,500 milligrams, something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, that
sound like a lot if you weak as fuck, but...
But the goal is...
The goal is to be high enough
as I fall asleep,
that I'm still high when I wake up.
Right?
And then... And then...
And then my morning thoughts
be genius.
You know?
And I did this a couple weeks ago.
And I woke up, and I, like,
I, like, just understood women
so much better.
Yeah, and we gotta have
more empathy for women,
'cause this is what I thought about
when I woke up that morning.
I was like, "Okay, imagine... imagine, sir,
imagine we live in a universe
where you born with just 200 nuts to bust.
Think...
Yeah, think about it, think about it.
You been iffing it your whole life,
you ain't never had to count 'em.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You ain't never had to worry
about running out. Yeah, yeah.
You need to have
a lot more sympathy for women.
Right, because, you know,
they born with all the eggs
they gonna ever have.
Right? And by the time they hit puberty,
they body's destroying them shits.
Every single month, "Oh, nobody came
in you? Suffer, bitch, suffer!"
You know?
So every time you wanna be like,
"Man, this bitch crazy,"
no, she's disappearing
from the inside, from the inside.
That's stressful.
Like, you never gonna have
a homie venting to you,
he going through a divorce or something...
You know, he's like,
"You know what? Fuck Elizabeth."
"I wasted 75 nuts on that bitch!"
"I gave her my best nuts!"
"And she just walked away," you know?
Or imagine you at work,
you know, and you're,
like, "Hey, man, what's...
what's going on with Doug? Man, he's, um...
"He's usually so upbeat,
like what's going on with him?"
"Hey, between us, man, quiet as kept..."
"He on his final five, man, he..."
"Yeah, yeah."
"He started manopause last week, and
he kept saying he was hot,
we got it on 65, and..."
That's rough, right?
That's a stressful, uh, existence.
And then... And then, there's in vitro.
Right, have you heard of this?
I know the women have,
a lot of the young men have.
It's one of those things that
all women have to deal with eventually
but they never talk about it.
Like their mustaches. And... And...
I will run a black light
over every top lip in this room.
Y'all acting like I'm full of shit.
We're telling the truth in here tonight.
All these hos got a 'stache, understand?
If you haven't seen hers, don't propose.
She not comfortable
being vulnerable with you yet.
And maybe you asking, "Well, Brian,
when's a good time to ask to see it?"
And I'm like,
"Well, this is what I do. Um..."
"Whenever a girl...
Whenever I first catch her
looking at my completely soft penis..."
"'I wanna see
your fuckin' mustache, right now.'"
"'We're going in the bathroom,
I'm putting on a jeweler's monocle,
I'm going over your lip,
'cause now we both seen something
that wasn't for the world.'"
Yeah.
"'You don't get to peek at my dick
in... in maintenance mode
and go on about your business.'"
But anyway, um...
i... in vitro, so...
So, I'm gonna keep using you, sir,
since you don't have a choice. And...
So we still in this world
where we run out of nuts.
But now, put on top of that
the societal pressure
for you to reproduce and have kids.
Okay, now you late 30s, early 40s.
You just had your last hot boy summer.
Right?
You... You and your lady,
you trying but it ain't working.
I mean, y'all fucking, it ain't working.
You sitting in the doctor's office.
He like, "I got bad news, I don't know
if, uh, if you thought it was a myth,
or you lost count, but, uh...
you fresh out of nuts, man."
"You know."
"But don't worry,
I know you feeling vulnerable,
but I'm right here with you."
"Just give me $30,000."
"Okay, take these vitamins
and hormones for a little bit."
"Come back and see me."
"I'll go up in your balls,
I'll scrape a few off the walls."
"Right?"
"Yeah."
"We'll... We'll pick out the best ones,
we'll plant them shits,
and, uh, you know, it only works
like 20% of the time."
"But don't worry."
"We can try as many times
as you'll give me $30,000."
That's how they living out here.
Have a little empathy.
'Cause... 'Cause you gotta admit,
if that was the world we lived in,
men would be on every third date, like,
"So, what are we? Because...
I don't gut nuts to be wasting
on a bitch. What's your intentions?"
"You know, like,
you in it for the long term or..."
You be warning your sons, like, "These hos
only after one thing, you hear me?"
"Don't let a bitch
waste your nuts out here."
See... [clears throat]
Yeah, I'm not a good guy.
I'm a... I just turn into a fuckin' hater
out of nowhere, man.
I don't like seeing a tall man
having a good time.
That's one of my pet peeves. I don't like
seeing the tall niggas
enjoying themselves.
You know what I mean. How tall are you?
- [man 1] Six-two.
- Six-two.
- What about you?
- [man 2] Six-four.
Six-four.
Fucking' goofy-ass nigga.
It piss me off, man.
What about you, sir?
- [man 3] Five-eight.
- Five-eight, oh.
- [man 4] Yeah!
- Nigga winnin'.
[people cheering]
Right.
I hate it. 'Cause the women,
they all obsessed with height.
Y'all put it all in your Tinder profile.
It's like, stop this!
There's some short kings out here
that's good... good catches.
He got him a baddie.
You know?
It's like, stop being obsessed with...
Height is just titties for men.
It's just something
that everybody can see,
that you didn't earn.
And you show up and get treated
better than the rest of us.
And act like it's something
you fuckin' accomplished on your own.
It used to piss me off,
like when I was in high school
and I ain't know how
to talk to women yet, you know,
it was always the tall dudes
that was like, "Hey, man,
look, all you gotta do
is just be yourself."
Not when you five-six.
If you in high school and you
five-something, and trying to get laid,
you can't be yourself,
you have to be talented.
You've gotta be charismatic,
you have to be one
of the only people that sell cocaine.
And when I see one of you tall fucks...
dancin' the night away...
surrounded by bad bitches
and fresh fruit they brought you...
I don't wish you were my height.
That's a child's wish.
I wish you would keep growin'.
Yeah, uncontrollably, non-stop.
Till you reach a height
where it's not sexy to nobody.
What'd you say? You six-three?
Six-four? Yeah, okay.
You be about... You be about seven-two.
Still getting the same caliber of bitches.
Right, they'll think you in the league.
You got no integrity,
you won't correct 'em.
Well, by the time you about nine-three,
you have the driest dick in America.
Yeah, at that point,
you just a freak, you just a spectacle.
Nobody's having sexual thoughts
about nine-foot men, okay?
The angles are off.
That's like me coming across
some tire-sized titties.
Like... Like sure, I wanna see them.
S... So I can say I saw them, but,
I don't wanna be responsible
for 'em on a regular basis.
It's heavy.
You know.
I don't like it, we gotta get...
We gotta nip this in the bud.
We outta control.
I think... You know what?
I think we could solve
a lot of problems in society
if, uh, if men
had to put they dick size
on they driver's license.
- [woman] Really?
- Yeah.
Think about this.
We got...
We got a gun violence problem, right?
But what's the real problem?
It's not guns,
but it's who could get a gun.
And we gotta stop these little-dick niggas
from getting guns.
Because...
'Cause I got a theory.
I think a man shooting,
I think that's little-dick activity.
It's something about shooting up an area
that screams "little-dick activity" to me.
You know? 'Cause... And don't misinterpret...
I'm not... I'm not suggesting that dudes
with big dicks don't kill people.
But we...
we usually kill specific people.
You know? 'Cause I can empathize
with a man being fed up.
Being at his limit, you know?
We all get frustrated at work,
whatever, life, whatever, society...
That's why we go home,
drink a little beer, smoke a little weed,
so we can calm down
and don't kill no-fuckin'-body.
Right?
If I ever got to the point where I'm like,
"Imma kill a motherfucker tomorrow,"
I'm walking into work,
and I'm shooting Cheryl.
'Cause she the one been fucking
with me for three and a half years.
I'm not gonna shoot up Accounts Receivable
and hope Cheryl get the message, right?
What kind of man
does a passive-aggressive murder?
A little-dick man, if you ask me.
[crowd cheering]
Yeah.
I know y'all uncomfortable
with this, but listen.
We can go measure and see if I'm right.
For whatever reason,
if you kill a lot of people, they kill you
or arrest you gently, you know?
So we got a lot of these niggas intact.
Let's go see what
they working with. Because...
Look, if you woke up tomorrow
and I published my findings...
all of y'all would be like,
"Get the fuck outta here."
"Every mass shooter in the last 30 years
got a three-inch dick?"
"Erect? Wow, that's crazy.
I woulda never thought."
Then we would have bipartisan support.
Introduce my legislation, "Liberals,
I'm getting guns off the street."
"Conservatives, I'm creating jobs."
Right? We start a national corp
of dick measurers, like the Census.
Right? We base it out of Texas, okay?
And every five years,
we go around the country,
we measure every penis.
We give you a comprehensive dick score.
We put it on your license, all right?
And then, your dick score determine
what size weapons you're allowed to own.
Th... This is the dream.
Picture it, imagine it.
Some nerd walks into the gun store.
[stuttering] "Excuse me.
Nobody will fuck me or be my friend. Um..."
"Let me have an AR-15, please."
"Um, let me see your ID here."
[sucks air in teeth]
"Ooh."
"I'm so sorry, sir. You, uh...
You don't have the girth for a rifle."
"Yeah, it's a minimum girth."
"Um..."
"You can still purchase this high-end
slingshot."
Or this surprisingly effective
duck call, those are your two choices.
And then, he goes to work the next day,
"Fuck you, Cheryl!" [mimics duck call]
Okay.
I love it, I love it.
This is something I love the most.
This is the funniest thing to me
about, like, society and shit, like...
Everybody's gathered here.
Having a good time.
People from all walks of life.
Right? And...
We didn't cure COVID.
We just... We just stopped caring.
- Right? But...
- [man] Right.
So what's the lesson
to learn from all that, is that, hey,
don't let politicians get you
riled up and hating your neighbor.
Right? 'Cause... Because the truth is,
you gotta admit, this is evidence,
the only difference between conservatives
and liberals, when it came to COVID,
was how long you gave a fuck.
[audience cheering loudly]
Yeah.
'Cause... Look, I'm not saying...
I'm not saying you can't disagree,
you can't argue,
you can't fight for your rights.
But, like, you got more in common
than they let on, you know?
Yeah, liberals gave it
like a year and a half,
conservatives give it
like a week and a half.
But we all arrived at the same conclusion.
Grandma need to stay in the fuckin' house.
So we can go outside, you feel me?
Think about it, you sitting here,
not giving a fuck about something
that we were so serious about...
Motherfuckers was losing friends,
stopped talking to family...
"I'm not gonna sit
at Thanksgiving table and..." Right?
I ain't lose nobody.
I knew my uncle
was a dumb bitch way before
the pandemic.
You know? I still love him,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, "Fuck Dr. Fauci."
"He don't make peach cobbler, nigga."
The only place it still feel like
the pandemic sometimes, is in an Uber.
Right?
There's a small part of Americans that
didn't get the memo. They out here still...
You know, like it's 2020,
masked up, gloved up.
And sometimes, they be your Uber driver.
You know, and it's like they not wrong.
But it's like,
"You stupid bitch, stop that shit."
Right? That's how you feel sometimes.
You making me feel stupid.
But if you in somebody's car, you in
an Uber, you gotta be on what they on.
And I travel too much,
I catch too many Ubers.
So I gotta keep a mask on me
when I go to certain places.
'Cause I don't know what they gonna...
Like I treat my mask like a condom.
In an Uber, I get in, and I'm like, "So..."
"Like..."
"We can use 'em
if you really wanna use 'em, but..."
"Come on, I'm clean. What are we gonna..."
They're like, "When you got tested?"
I'm like, "I meant I don't feel sick."
"I don't know..."
[chuckles] You know what I'm saying?
Speaking of condoms,
do you guys know that, uh,
even though the economy's
all fucked and crazy now,
the condoms are going steady.
Yeah, steadily up.
Yeah, which means
a lot of people are buying condoms.
Which is crazy to me,
'cause nobody uses condoms.
Right, and see, you giggle 'cause you
kinda know what I'm saying is true.
I mean, we live in a time where
they put up billboards to remind you
that syphilis is still a th...
You know what I mean?
But I ask this question
in every city and every show,
and I get the same answer every time.
Right? Watch this.
Uh, round of applause if you use condoms.
[silence]
[laughter]
See how wild that is?
We all doing it raw out here.
Yeah.
The goal is raw, raw is for lovers,
we all trying to get to raw.
That's why half of y'all psychos
are buying condoms for no reasons.
Because you want the new person you're
trying to fuck to notice the condoms,
assume you use them all the time
and not make you use one.
Those are the only people buying condoms.
And listen, that's not true.
There's a very, very, very small, niche
group of people that also buy condoms.
And it's people that, um,
respect the hell out of their wives
but still cheat on them.
Yeah, it's like, "I'll break our vows,
but I'm not gonna fuck up
your pH balance, baby. I'm..."
"I'm not gonna bring another bitch flora
and fauna to your pussy. That's..."
"That'll be disrespectful."
And it kind of scares me because...
because nobody's using condoms
at a time when, like,
we hornier than we ever been.
- Everybody horny as shit.
- [person] Whoo!
Right, because, think about this.
COVID is the last thing that happened
to everybody in the world
since World War II.
And what happened after World War II?
Baby boom.
'Cause when people think
the world about to end,
we like, "We got to get it in!"
When you think you might die,
you wanna fuck.
Scientifically proven, around the world,
everybody hornier than a motherfucker.
Hornier than ever.
And I personally think America
is hornier than the rest of the world.
Right? Because we got caught off guard.
The most.
Which made it scarier,
which made us hornier.
And why did we get caught off guard?
Well, because we the best.
And we been the best for so long,
a lot of us was born in the best country.
And we spoiled about a lot of shit.
And... And one of the things that we spoiled
about the most is new diseases.
We don't have to worry about those,
we just hear about 'em.
Right, remember SARS?
Remember bird flu?
Remember swine flu? Ebola?
Yeah, that was all shit
we read about, it didn't stop our lives.
We were like, "Oh, oh, shit.
Okay, damn. That's horrible."
"For them. Okay, can I please
get a number two with a..."
So when COVID came around,
we was business as usual.
We were the last ones to catch on.
And see, a lot of y'all,
again, you cocky now,
we well out of it, nobody cares.
You've got shit you believe
over other shit.
But remember when it was not political,
nobody knew shit,
and it was just scary as fuck?
Imma take you back.
December.
We all heard little whisperings,
"There's a new disease."
We said, "Whereabout?"
"They said somewhere in China."
We was like,
"Okay, ain't that where they be at? Like..."
"Fuck that got to do with us?
We're going Christmas shopping, okay."
"Get these deals, huh?"
Then a few weeks later,
we heard it was fuckin' up Italy.
We were like,
"Oh, shit, that's unusual. Hm."
"Maybe we should prepare,
or something like that, eh?"
"Yeah, but you know what, though?
They dirty as shit in Italy, like..."
"They got one famous canal, you can't swim
in it. That's crazy. They nasty as shit."
"Of course, if it was gonna be anywhere,
it would be Italy, you know?"
"Happy New Year."
Then a few weeks later,
we heard it was fucking up Seattle.
And we were like,
"Okay, that's concerning."
"That means it's here.
So, maybe we should probably..."
"But you know what, though?
If you think about it, like Seattle..."
"That's basically
the Italy of America, like if we..."
"They dirty as shit too."
"All they gave us was, what?
Grunge music, the Supersonics."
"They fuckin' nasty, bro.
If it was gonna be anywhere..."
"Happy Valentine."
Then a couple weeks later,
it started affecting important places.
Shut down New York City.
"Not our crown jewel."
They beat 9/11.
Then it fucked up Hollywood.
Started shutting off TV.
We were still outside.
Then Tom Hanks got it.
We said, "Shit, rich people getting it?"
"Get all the toilet paper you can carry!
Get in the house!"
"Don't come out! Hide from everything!"
That's when you were so horny
you couldn't believe it.
And what made it even scarier,
which made us even hornier,
is that dumb motherfuckers
always talk first.
Way before scientists.
That's just how the world works.
Science take time, stupid is instant.
Don't forget, we were scared to death.
All we knew was it was here,
it had killed people and it was spreading,
and it was in the air.
And we waiting for fuckin' answers,
and scientists are collecting samples,
and waiting for centrifuges
to stop spinning.
And the dumbest nigga you know
was on Twitter going,
"It's coming from
the 5G antennas, everybody."
"We knew these next-generation speeds
would come at a price."
"They broadcasting it to us all,
and it's all the worst things
mixed together."
"It's AIDS mixed with Ebola,
mixed with child support!"
"Run for your lives!
Hide wherever you can!"
That's when you was at your horniest.
In the house, running out of toilet paper.
Looking into bidets for the first time.
Peeking out your blinds, like,
"I might have to fuck
whoever left out there."
Number one song in the country
was "Wet-Ass Pussy."
For most of that whole year.
And if you look
into the history of Billboard,
there's never been a song
with "pussy" in the title
in the top 50, let alone number one.
We did that.
Some of the old guys are confused, um...
"Wet-Ass Pussy," the kids called it "WAP,"
it's "WAP" for short.
Uh...
But it's... it's...
It's a women's-empowerment anthem
by a stripper
turned rapper
named Cardi B.
Um, basically, America's sweetheart.
You know?
And...
And, uh... And it's all about
all the things she gets away with
and all the privileges she gets
'cause she got good-ass pussy.
Right, and my favorite part of the song...
You're gonna love this... My favorite part
of the song, she goes, uh,
"I don't cook, I don't clean."
"How you think I got this ring?"
Right, implying that she don't gotta do
none of that wifey shit
'cause she got good-ass pussy.
She got married anyway,
you know what I mean?
And... And that's hilarious because
shortly after the song came out,
her husband cheated on her.
And...
Uh... That's... No, I mean that's... Listen.
I celebrate Black love.
They got back together.
They back together, and they had
another baby, beautiful family.
They going strong,
and I wish them the best.
But I'm sure now, you know, Cardi knows
she got amazing pussy,
but she still need to, you know,
microwave a Hot Pocket sometimes, or...
You know, maybe you got take-a-load-
out-the-dryer-and-fold-it-pussy.
I don't know what your dynamic is, but...
But no-chores-pussy
is like once in a generation.
Like most of y'all
don't got that, that's crazy.
It's a crazy standard to hold yourself to.
That's the problem with that song, it was
so catchy, everybody was in the house,
we all heard it, everybody know the words,
and it fucked a lot of women up.
It made a lot of women think
they got better pussy than they got.
You know, everybody know the words think
they got the WAP. How's that possible?
How can everybody have something
that's special? That's crazy.
Okay, look, I ain't here
to fuck with y'all's self-esteem.
Everybody got the WAP, okay?
Yeah, tell 'em I said it. I'll vouch.
But I will say, there's levels
to the WAP, can we agree?
Yeah, all pussies ain't created equal.
No, no. Go to the vagina museum.
It's all...
They all different shapes and sizes
and curves and ridges
and different pelvic-floor strengths.
There's pussy
that feel like it got a hand in it
that's doing extra stuff.
Now, I measure pussy
by what it could potentially ruin.
So...
I'll say, um...
WAP one...
can ruin your other relationships.
You know, you get some WAP one,
you know, you're gonna call your mom less.
Um, you gonna start
canceling plans with the homies,
or cutting 'em short more often, um...
You gonna start sending emojis
that you wasn't sending before. Um...
You might have to sell something you love,
your PlayStation, your golf clubs.
But that... that's standard good pussy. Um...
And that's the highest
good pussy I advise,
um... you deal with, um,
'cause it gets out of control
from there. Um...
Now, WAP two,
Well, first, I don't know who graduated
or whatever, but, um...
This... This is not additive,
this is exponential.
Like the Richter scale.
[stammering] In other words...
[clears throat] WAP two is not
two WAP ones.
It's ten of 'em.
And then a hundred and a thousand and so...
You just need to understand
the jumping power is substantial.
WAP two can fuck up your finances.
Okay? It's that pyramid-scheme pussy.
Shit'll have you wake up
in a couple weeks, like,
"When did I order
all this Herbalife? I guess..."
"I guess I'm a small business
owner now, hm."
[exhales] The WAP three,
I call that, uh, anti-matter pussy.
Right when you come in contact
with it, it destroy both of y'all.
Right? That Amber Heard, if you will.
You know?
Pussy so good, she take a shit
on your bed, you don't break up with her.
No, you stick around.
She cut off one of your fingers, you like,
"I got nine more fingers. God is good."
"All right?"
"We gonna abuse each other
till we go to trial, bitch."
Now, WAP four, uh,
is as high as I'm gonna go, 'cause, uh...
You know, WAP five is Eve. Um...
WAP four is as high as I'll go 'cause
I don't think none of y'all got that,
'cause...
It's not that I don't believe in you that...
I just feel like that's a lot of power
for one person to have, and just
be sitting here with us regular folk.
You know what I mean?
WAP four can...
can ruin a nation.
Change the course of history.
Start a war, end a war.
You know, that Helen of Troy.
- [man] Right.
- I love the confidence here.
Some women looking at me like,
"Nigga, you ain't saying shit."
Look, she confident,
she looking at me like,
"Boy, I'll put it on Putin one time,
and save Ukraine with this pussy, blood."
I love that faith.
[audience cheers and whistles]
Right?
She looking at me like, "And?"
No, I like the confidence. I would love
all you ladies to be confident.
I just want you to be accurate.
Okay, if you think...
If you saying you got that four,
I'm not here to tell you otherwise.
But I want you to be accurate.
Okay, you might have a four's attitude,
you walking around with a 3.5
talking too much, know what I'm saying?
So, what Imma do for you is,
Imma give you a historical example,
and then you decide
where your pussy measure up.
Deal?
[man] Deal.
Okay, so...
Y'all heard of Queen Elizabeth?
This, uh, you know,
this seemingly immortal,
racist, Cryptkeeper-lookin' bitch
that finally fuckin' died
when they found the Infinity Stones,
or whatever killed that fuckin' cunt.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Groan all the fuck you want,
you footlockers.
How dare you be a real American,
worshiping the Royal Family
like they fuckin' matter.
They are...
- Listen.
- [cheering]
They are, objectively,
the worst family that has ever lived.
All they've ever done is steal shit,
destroy cultures and fuck their cousins.
They just the Targaryens with no dragons.
They not better than you.
Anyway... Ole Lizzy
was not supposed
to be the Queen of England.
Okay? She was not in line to be the Queen.
Her Uncle Edward was the King of England.
He started fuckin' with an American woman
named Wallis Simpson.
No relation.
Bomb-ass pussy, though.
Wallis was originally married
to a pilot.
Back when pilots was new.
Very lucrative.
She divorced that pilot,
married a millionaire,
back when millionaire
was as high as you could go.
Divorced the millionaire,
started fucking the King of England.
Yeah, yeah.
That... That pussy went pilot,
millionaire, royalty.
That's a hell of a resume
for one vagina, is it not?
Like her queefs are just The Jeffersons
theme song, you know what I mean?
I'm sorry, young lady, The Jeffersons is
a sitcom from the '80s, where...
It was like a rags-to-riches story,
and the main part of the theme song was...
Movin' on up
Right? So, that's why
these old fucks are laughing.
But, um, he wanted
to marry her immediately.
Right, less than a year
he was trying to get linked, right?
And, uh, the problem is,
the King of England is also
automatically the head
of the Church of England.
And the Church gotta bless you
being King, you know?
And the Church of England
didn't allow divorce.
At the time,
and so they was like, "Hey, you can't
be the King and marry a divorced bitch."
So he just quit being the King.
He's the first king, and only king
in history, to just give up the throne.
He gave it to his little brother.
His little brother never expected
to be King. He wasn't ready.
It overwhelmed him. He had a speech
impediment and a cocaine problem.
Ten months into his reign,
he dropped dead of a heart attack,
and everything passed on
to his teenage daughter, Elizabeth.
And that is how
we got stuck with that bitch
for 90 million years,
or whatever the fuck.
So ask yourself again,
do you have quit-being-the-king-pussy?
Hm.
Now, if you say yes, I'll believe you,
and I will just respectfully
like to sniff it one time,
just so I... just so I can know...
for the future, you know?
Now...
I don't know if y'all picked up on it, um...
I been dropping little clues,
little Easter eggs,
throughout my set, um...
But I'm a... I'm a big time
feminist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I've been doing a lot of reading lately,
and, um, you know,
Bell Hooks, etc., you know?
They make good points, like,
"Women are people," stuff like that.
I'm like, "Okay,
that's a good argument." You know? So...
I started acting like women were people.
It didn't break anything or ruin anything.
And, um... And as...
As a male feminist... I might be
the greatest male feminist of all time.
I study on, I meditate on my feminism.
I think about it a lot.
I've thought about this a lot.
Um...
As a male feminist,
there's only three situations
that I will be comfortable
punching a woman in the face.
And... And not feeling bad
about it, uh, at all. Right?
And, uh... And listen,
I know a lot of the women already got
strong feelings about it. You know?
You haven't heard what I'll say, and I've
been entertaining you for an hour.
Maybe some of y'all think I'll be like,
"Punch bitches, good night," right? But...
I don't want everybody
screaming out how they feel.
I'll just... I'm gonna pick one of y'all
to just be the representative.
Is it okay with you? You wanna...
Okay, so Imma say each reason,
and then, Imma do like this, and then,
you can respond however you like.
You can say whatever you want.
You can't say "nigga" though. I know...
Yeah, the white women tricky.
They be like, "You said anything."
No, bitch, not... Not on my watch, no. So...
Here it is, three reasons
I would punch a woman in the face,
and not feel bad about it, um...
Number one,
is if she asked me to.
Yeah, that's called "consent."
That's none of your business, uh,
how two adults climax, or whatever.
That, um...
Are you okay with consent, ma'am?
- Yeah.
- [Simpson] Yes?
Good girl. So...
[crowd cheering]
So, my number two reason,
uh, that I would punch a woman in the face
and not feel bad about it, at all,
uh, is if she was stompin' out my mama.
Now... let me be clear.
I'll let you get a fair fight
with my mama.
She talk a lot of shit.
Sh... She got a mouth on her, you know?
But she got hands to match.
Right? She legendary in the hood.
She like 49 and 12,
something crazy, you know?
Yeah. But I'm not gonna
let you stomp her out.
I know a lot of y'all from the suburbs.
A stomp out is basically...
uh... when you already won a fist fight,
and your opponent is on the ground,
and you decide to be extra
and stomp on her body,
uh, for bonus damage.
You know?
Let's just say, for the sake of argument,
you know, you at the function,
you get into it with my mom,
you know, it come to blows,
and, you know,
the Lord is with you that day.
You know, you overcome the Philly Shell,
you get the best of her.
She's laid out.
That's not an issue.
I'll help her up, we'll go home.
It's happened a dozen times before.
But if you move in for the stomp,
Imma jab you, bitch.
I'm not letting you
stomp my mama, I'm sorry.
And, again, let me be clear.
I'm not gonna fight you
like I would fight a man.
But Imma give you a quick, you know,
"Bitch, be good,"
you know what I'm sayin'?
Imma give you a little sample, you decide
if you want the whole thing, like, uh...
Like Costco, but for whooping your ass.
For my mom, is all I'm saying.
For my mom?
That's fair?
Thank you, thank you. Outstanding.
[people cheering]
Oh. [clears throat]
And last but not least, um...
My tip-top reason,
uh, that I would punch
a... a woman in the face,
and not feel bad at all...
Uh... And let me just say,
as a veteran of the US Marine Corp...
[loud cheering]
...my most American reason
that I will punch a woman in the face
and not feel bad at all...
[person] Yeah.
...is if someone offered me enough money,
for the right amount of money...
[cheering]
Yeah, that's where I am with it. Um...
That's the American way.
Okay, our values are for sale.
There's three numbers
you gotta know as an American,
your address, your social
and how much money you would sell out for.
And, uh, for me,
where I am in my life right now...
Uh, you know, 'cause Netflix doesn't pay
as much as you would imagine.
Uh... For about 50 thousand dollars,
not a bitch in this room
would be safe, you understand?
I will put the tips
on every single one of y'all.
No, we're stupid, we're silly.
We're having fun, you know?
Some blogger's gonna
have fun with it and report...
I want y'all to know something.
I ain't one of these comedians
to be hiding behind,
like, "Oh... Oh, you know, the...
This is art, and these are just jokes."
I meant that.
You know, so decide
if you still a fan, or whatever.
Nah, I'm kidding. No, seriously.
No, seriously, guys, listen,
there's no lessons in my jokes.
Know what I mean, if you learned
something, or shifted your perspective,
or you feel enlightened by something,
that was purely a coincidence by...
You know what I'm saying?
That's just a side effect.
My goal was to make you laugh, you know?
I'm not a philosopher king
or none of that shit, you know?
But some people, that's not enough.
They need they comedians to be serious,
they want a real nugget to leave with.
You know, something to really
remember it by, that I really mean,
that's really my personality.
And some of y'all need...
And this last one,
this is for those people, okay?
If you gotta leave here with something,
leave here with this...
All y'all gay.
All y'all gay.
That's facts.
I'm mostly talking to the men. You're...
You know, you're gayer
than you're allowed to admit.
Like I said, I did a lot of reading.
I discovered this guy, Dr. Kinsey. 'Kay?
He's an American scientist.
He's the first person
to actually study sexuality in depth.
He did it for 40-some odd years.
He did so many surveys and experiments,
and he founded the Institute of Sexuality.
And he invented the Kinsey Scale.
Which is a measure of how gay you are.
And so, Dr. Kinsey says,
"'Are you gay, ' is a silly question."
"The real question is 'How gay are you?'"
And... And I've lost a lot of you,
especially the older people,
'cause y'all grew up like me,
in the '70s and '80s.
Okay, it was a simpler time.
You was either gay or straight.
Or ugly.
But now we know better
than that, it's not binary.
It's a spectrum, my niggas.
Okay? And you somewhere on there.
It goes all the way
from Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
to Lil Nas X's backup dancer.
And you... And you somewhere on there.
And... Look, in other words, it's...
We used to think it was a light switch.
Now we know it's a dimmer switch.
Okay, all right.
See, this... this is the part
of the night where I realize,
oh, the crowd is full
of a bunch of bitch-ass niggas.
That's what you are. You... I been...
For 55 minutes, I been shittin'
on women's mustaches and ovaries,
and I gave you a list of reasons
I will punch 'em in the face,
and all y'all was... [mimics chuckling]
"Yeah, get her!"
And now, I'm just making
a general observation
that mildly threatens your sexuality,
and you motherfuckers can't handle it.
[audience cheering]
I see. I see.
It's all right. It's all right.
'Cause I... I understand, fellas.
I get what's going on.
You know, it's like... Like...
Ladies, this is the one area
where y'all really actually do
have a... an advantage, you know?
'Cause, like, sure, you know,
your eggs are running out, right? But...
But your sexuality is
infinite and untouchable.
Y'all can go to college
and eat 45 pussies.
And right after graduation, be like,
"You know what? It's not for me."
And go get you a husband.
Tell him all the stories,
show him the pictures.
These dudes can't even laugh
at this joke too hard, because...
Because masculinity is a prison.
Okay? Manness is a club, okay, it's a box.
You gotta stay in the fuckin' box.
You can lose being a man, you understand?
It's like being stripped
of the title, no rematch.
One gay shit, you're out the club.
Right? that's all these dudes'
biggest fear.
They gonna come to close to some gay shit,
and then, the UFC announcement team
is gonna materialize.
Like, "It's all over! It's all over!"
"It's the end of an era!"
But deep down, they all know
what I'm saying is kinda true.
'Cause all the manliest shit
is the gayest shit.
If you exclude women from something,
it's just a countdown till it gets gay.
You been to prison? Gay!
Oh, you played football? Locker room, gay!
Oh, you served in the military?
Gay as fuck.
It's the gayest thing you ever did.
But I get, it. Like I said, I get it.
We're trapped, we're trapped.
We got all these dumb rules
that make us behave weirdly to y'all.
Every time you see a man
doing something you don't understand...
Y'all got all these names for it.
"Oh, it's misogyny,
it's homophobia, it's all this."
It's just the same phenomenon,
you just naming it different shit.
It's nigga's tryin' to stay in the box.
Okay, because one step out,
it's cold out here.
Out here, they treat you
like a woman, oh no!
So, we do everything we can
to stay right here with it.
We got dumb... Like, you know one
of the rules for men... This is crazy to me.
We allowed to hug our friends
but we not allowed to exhale.
No, you gotta hold your breath
during that hug.
No matter how much
you miss 'em, you gotta...
The best you can do
is punch 'em in the spine, "My guy!"
He coulda just done 15 years in prison.
For you.
And you at his coming home party,
you hug him, soon as your shoulders drop...
[exhales] ...someone's gonna be like,
"You see that?"
"That was romantic, nigga.
What's going on with him?"
You know, they...
they did a survey. [clears throat]
60% of men,
uh, saw all 27
of the first 27 Marvel movies.
Yeah. And 90% of them
gave 'em positive reviews.
That's how much we love superheroes.
Infinity War was fuckin' dope.
Right, I could write
them same exact movies,
and change one detail.
At the end, Thanos snap like this...
And...
And them same dudes would
have to change they whole opinion
of everything that happened.
"Like, I mean, it was cool
to see it on the big screen, but...
I felt like it had an agenda,
you know what I mean, like,
Thanos was kind of suss, or whatever."
Yeah, it's wild, it's wild.
I wish... I wish the Kinsey Scale was just
a scale you could stand on, and it would...
It would say how gay you were,
you know what I mean?
I would make all y'all do it
on the way out.
And watch you fuckin' squirm.
Dudes so insecure,
they'd be like, "What?!" [gasps]
"What? Can I take off my shoes first and..."
[chuckles]
No, it's true, it's true.
And y'all know it, 'cause we've met
those dudes that are "100% straight."
Those are the weird people.
First of all, you're not resourceful.
I don't respect that.
You're not gonna touch a dick in a pinch?
You a coward, is what you are.
No matter what's at stake? Come on.
I think the straightest you can be,
and be a normal person,
is about 95%.
Yeah, yeah, that's right,
I'm calling all of you
5% gay.
I think that's about the average...
I think that's the straightest you can be
and be... and act normal.
Okay, I'm not backing down.
You 5% gay, nigga, that's what I said.
Guys, again, relax,
this is not a trick, I'm on your side.
Masculinity's a prison,
I'm trying to bust you out.
That... Listen, 95%
straight is straight enough.
That... That 5%,
that's where your feminine side live.
That's where your empathy at.
That's why you can listen to your woman's
stories and pretend you care.
That's why you can play dress-ups
with your kids.
That's why you can rub a baby's chin
and say, "Goochie-goo."
5% gay don't mean you love dick.
It means you a grown-ass man
that's focused on his mission,
that's willing to tolerate a dick
if it gets in the way.
That's called being an adult,
grow the fuck up.
[people cheering]
I'm calling you gay
'cause I believe in you, motherfucker.
Still don't get 'em.
All right, that's fine. I ain't want it
to have to come to this, but whatever.
You know, ladies,
I been kinda shittin' on y'all all night.
And, uh, I'm not sorry, but...
it's all led up to this moment, you know?
'Cause these dudes left me hanging.
And... So Imma bless y'all...
Imma bless y'all
with a little nugget, okay?
I'm about to tell y'all a fact
about men
that you have probably never heard.
Right?
Look how quiet it is. Hmm.
All I ask in exchange
for revealing
this little nugget of wisdom,
is that you look at the face
of the man that's with you
as I say this.
Okay?
And if you not here with no man,
just watch this nigga right here,
and this motherfucker right there, okay?
'Cause both of them... Both of them
were laughing the hardest the whole show.
Until I started this joke,
and I lost 'em both.
They been straight-faced the whole time.
Arms folded.
"Speak for yourself, queer,"
you know what I mean?
Just looking at me like that.
Like, "Just come out
the closet, it's Austin."
"Nobody cares, faggot,"
you know what I mean?
That's how they were looking at me.
So,
watch your man and watch these men.
Okay?
And here it is, very simple.
Every man in America
has one thing in common, for sure.
We've all been getting haircuts
since we was babies.
And one thing we never talk about,
is every once in a blue moon,
in the middle of a haircut, the barber's
dick will brush up against you.
Yeah, you're not straight-faced
no more, my nigga, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All y'all had a dick on you.
I don't hear no objections.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
Nah, don't explain.
Let me talk, I'll explain for you.
Now, listen, ladies, it's not...
it's not sexual.
It's just physics.
Okay, those beauty chairs
are well-lubricated.
You tap 'em like that, they fuckin' spin,
you know? Slightest momentum.
And if you got a good barber,
they up on you close, they rotatin'.
For precision.
Right? Sometimes, the chair and the barber
are going in opposite directions.
You got your elbow sticking off too far.
Out of nowhere... bang.
You've been hit by a smooth criminal.
And here is what's gonna
really blow your fuckin' mind!
Do you know how we react
when this happens?
We don't.
We don't.
We have all the little ways
that niggas cancel out gay shit,
pause, no homo, all that,
we don't do none of that shit.
We freeze, we act like
it didn't fuckin' happen.
And do you know why we act
like it didn't happen?
It's because we're grown men.
And we understand
that the worst thing
that can happen at a barber shop,
ain't a half-second dick touch.
It's walkin' out that barber shop
with a fucked up haircut.
[crowd cheering]
You understand?
The haircut is the mission.
The dick is in the way.
And if you was 100% straight, you'd
run out that barber shop screaming,
or fight somebody,
or come back with a shotgun.
But you're not an idiot. You 5% gay.
And that's what allows you
to slide right past that dick.
And look in the mirror.
And go, "God damn."
"I'd risk it all again to look this good."
I'm Brian Simpson, everybody.
Thank y'all for coming out, Austin.
[loud cheering]
["Prestige" by J Soulja playing]
[no audible dialogue]
["Prestige" continues]
["Prestige" fades out]
[man rapping]
[audience cheering]
["Prestige" fades]
[speaking indistinctly]
Can you hold that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yes. Sim... Simmer down. Simmer down.
[sighs]
White people.
Y'all racist.
I... I like to start out
with my racial material,
just to see who's a bitch, you know?
So, some people can't handle it.
It's like, white people, can we just stop
acting like... like... All y'all are racist.
There's various degrees of it,
but like y'all so afraid to admit it,
ya know, it's like...
That's why it won't go away,
niggas don't wanna be like,
"I'm a little racist, you know."
'Cause see, this how you know
how racist you are, okay?
There's a... There's a... There's an amount
of Black people that could've
been in here when you walked in
that would've made you go,
"Wait a minute."
"Am I in the right... place."
That's how racist you are. That...
That number of people
is how racist you are.
You used to things being white things.
'Cause that's what racism really is.
It's not about who you hate
or don't or love.
I mean, listen, obviously
there's racists that hate people.
Those are the professional racists.
But all you amateur racists,
it's still racist, you know?
'Cause you see a racist
as a bad, evil person.
And since you don't see yourself
as a bad, evil person,
you think that
you ain't never been racist.
And that's where you fucking up at.
'Cause racism don't got nothing to do
with whether you a good person
or whether you love or hate Black people.
It's about your perspective.
Like the way you've been brought up
to see the world and where you rank in it,
who's beneath you and who's above you.
That's what it is.
Right? Anybody could be racist.
I'll give you a perfect example.
I Ubered here
a few weeks ago.
I Ubered here, had a spot here, Ubered.
I go to get in the car,
soon as my hand touched the handle,
the lady looked back and went,
"Oh my God!" and pulled off.
- Right?
- [man] No!
Now, does she hate Black people?
[man] Yes.
Who know... Maybe.
Maybe, maybe not, you know,
but all we can say for sure,
is that her reflex to seeing
a Black man try to get in her car
was that, "I'm in danger!"
And listen, she came back around.
I watched her on the app,
she was coming back around.
And, uh...
I was in a hurry,
I ain't gonna cancel, you know.
So I get in the car, you know, and, um,
I don't let her off the hook,
I keep it silent,
I don't say nothing.
I let it cook, you know?
And eventually,
she broke the silence, and she went,
"Listen...
I am so... sorry."
"You just never know who'll try
to get in your car around here."
And I said,
"Actually, bitch, that's what Uber is."
They... They tell you
who is gonna get in your car... around here.
That's how...
you would explain Uber to somebody.
They... They give you a picture
and GPS coordinates.
Right? But she was so afraid
of admitting it was racism,
she was doing all this other bullshit.
She could've just been like, "Know what?
It's a little racism, I'm working on it."
You know what she did instead?
She changed the music.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When I got in the car,
she was listening to, like, you know,
Hall & Oates, or some shit like that.
And she tried to change it to rap music.
To try and make me feel better
and, like, calm the situation, you know?
And it worked. It was early Drake,
you know, very... very soothing. Um...
[man] Yeah!
And I'm being perfectly honest, she was
the best Uber driver I've ever had.
She was whippin'
this fuckin' Subaru, you hear me?
And she got me here on time.
That's what really matters.
Yeah, safe and on time,
good temperature, good smell.
She had mints, snacks, chargers.
Yeah, and I'm an "all's well
that ends well," kind of guy.
I keep it a buck,
I'm not gonna hold a grudge.
I still gave her three out of five stars.
You know?
I took off one star
for the racism, obviously.
You can't just
let that go unpunished, you know?
And I took off another star
'cause she was a Black woman.
I said, "Come on, sis."
Um...
No. Sometimes it be
your own people acting funny, right?
Sometimes they do, they do.
Now, a lot of y'all
don't know this about me, maybe,
but I am a Marine Corp veteran,
right? And I...
- [loud cheering]
- No, no.
Right, right, I guess it makes sense
to cheer before you know my story.
But it wasn't even like that at all,
like I wasn't heroic, whatsoever.
Um... y'all got the wrong idea, like...
You know, minorities don't...
mostly don't join the military
out of... out of patriotism.
Nah...
I joined in... in March
of 2001.
[man] Oh, damn.
Yeah, six months before 9/11.
I was just trying
to go to school, you know?
Yeah, 9/11 was my 9/11, personally.
It just threw my whole plan off.
And I...
Nah, nah, no, don't get it twisted.
I'm not a traitor.
I'm not a traitor,
you know, I love my country.
I'm not in love, you know, but I...
Like, I'm... I was never willing to...
I was never willing to die for my country.
But I was always willing to help
kill somebody for my country.
So... I think that's the most
you can expect from,
till we get reparations,
or something, up out up here, um...
But listen, the only reason
I bring it up, you know,
I didn't want...
I didn't do it for the heroic cheers.
I just brought it up 'cause, you know,
I was... I was the only Black person
in my platoon for a minute, you know?
So I kinda became an expert
in, uh, talking to white people
about race, you know.
Y'all got a lot of questions.
Um...
And that's how I know
it's pointless, you know?
Yeah, I never changed nobody's mind,
I wasted a lot of conversation.
Nobody got better.
You ever met somebody,
uh, that was racist,
and then you ran into 'em ten years later
and they was less racist?
No. No. It doesn't work.
I'm retired from being the...
your first Black friend. I'm...
I'm too old for that, I'm 40.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm not a starter Negro for you.
If you don't have...
If you don't have other Black friends
before you meet me,
then that's a wrap for you.
I'm not doing it, you know?
I don't want you
to get it twisted, though.
Some people just assume
what I think about shit,
that, like, I'm wokey-woke
'cause I fuckin'... I'm anti-racism.
But that's mostly 'cause it benefits me
and people I care about.
I'm... I'm really a piece of shit
underneath it all, you know?
Um... I'm comfortable with that, you know?
I got a lot of ideas.
I do drugs, and I have ideas.
[people] Whoo! Whoo!
One of my favorite things to do...
One of my favorite things to do
is I like to get
uh, v... very high
right before I go to bed.
[people] Whoo! Whoo!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, like... like
1,500 milligrams, something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, that
sound like a lot if you weak as fuck, but...
But the goal is...
The goal is to be high enough
as I fall asleep,
that I'm still high when I wake up.
Right?
And then... And then...
And then my morning thoughts
be genius.
You know?
And I did this a couple weeks ago.
And I woke up, and I, like,
I, like, just understood women
so much better.
Yeah, and we gotta have
more empathy for women,
'cause this is what I thought about
when I woke up that morning.
I was like, "Okay, imagine... imagine, sir,
imagine we live in a universe
where you born with just 200 nuts to bust.
Think...
Yeah, think about it, think about it.
You been iffing it your whole life,
you ain't never had to count 'em.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You ain't never had to worry
about running out. Yeah, yeah.
You need to have
a lot more sympathy for women.
Right, because, you know,
they born with all the eggs
they gonna ever have.
Right? And by the time they hit puberty,
they body's destroying them shits.
Every single month, "Oh, nobody came
in you? Suffer, bitch, suffer!"
You know?
So every time you wanna be like,
"Man, this bitch crazy,"
no, she's disappearing
from the inside, from the inside.
That's stressful.
Like, you never gonna have
a homie venting to you,
he going through a divorce or something...
You know, he's like,
"You know what? Fuck Elizabeth."
"I wasted 75 nuts on that bitch!"
"I gave her my best nuts!"
"And she just walked away," you know?
Or imagine you at work,
you know, and you're,
like, "Hey, man, what's...
what's going on with Doug? Man, he's, um...
"He's usually so upbeat,
like what's going on with him?"
"Hey, between us, man, quiet as kept..."
"He on his final five, man, he..."
"Yeah, yeah."
"He started manopause last week, and
he kept saying he was hot,
we got it on 65, and..."
That's rough, right?
That's a stressful, uh, existence.
And then... And then, there's in vitro.
Right, have you heard of this?
I know the women have,
a lot of the young men have.
It's one of those things that
all women have to deal with eventually
but they never talk about it.
Like their mustaches. And... And...
I will run a black light
over every top lip in this room.
Y'all acting like I'm full of shit.
We're telling the truth in here tonight.
All these hos got a 'stache, understand?
If you haven't seen hers, don't propose.
She not comfortable
being vulnerable with you yet.
And maybe you asking, "Well, Brian,
when's a good time to ask to see it?"
And I'm like,
"Well, this is what I do. Um..."
"Whenever a girl...
Whenever I first catch her
looking at my completely soft penis..."
"'I wanna see
your fuckin' mustache, right now.'"
"'We're going in the bathroom,
I'm putting on a jeweler's monocle,
I'm going over your lip,
'cause now we both seen something
that wasn't for the world.'"
Yeah.
"'You don't get to peek at my dick
in... in maintenance mode
and go on about your business.'"
But anyway, um...
i... in vitro, so...
So, I'm gonna keep using you, sir,
since you don't have a choice. And...
So we still in this world
where we run out of nuts.
But now, put on top of that
the societal pressure
for you to reproduce and have kids.
Okay, now you late 30s, early 40s.
You just had your last hot boy summer.
Right?
You... You and your lady,
you trying but it ain't working.
I mean, y'all fucking, it ain't working.
You sitting in the doctor's office.
He like, "I got bad news, I don't know
if, uh, if you thought it was a myth,
or you lost count, but, uh...
you fresh out of nuts, man."
"You know."
"But don't worry,
I know you feeling vulnerable,
but I'm right here with you."
"Just give me $30,000."
"Okay, take these vitamins
and hormones for a little bit."
"Come back and see me."
"I'll go up in your balls,
I'll scrape a few off the walls."
"Right?"
"Yeah."
"We'll... We'll pick out the best ones,
we'll plant them shits,
and, uh, you know, it only works
like 20% of the time."
"But don't worry."
"We can try as many times
as you'll give me $30,000."
That's how they living out here.
Have a little empathy.
'Cause... 'Cause you gotta admit,
if that was the world we lived in,
men would be on every third date, like,
"So, what are we? Because...
I don't gut nuts to be wasting
on a bitch. What's your intentions?"
"You know, like,
you in it for the long term or..."
You be warning your sons, like, "These hos
only after one thing, you hear me?"
"Don't let a bitch
waste your nuts out here."
See... [clears throat]
Yeah, I'm not a good guy.
I'm a... I just turn into a fuckin' hater
out of nowhere, man.
I don't like seeing a tall man
having a good time.
That's one of my pet peeves. I don't like
seeing the tall niggas
enjoying themselves.
You know what I mean. How tall are you?
- [man 1] Six-two.
- Six-two.
- What about you?
- [man 2] Six-four.
Six-four.
Fucking' goofy-ass nigga.
It piss me off, man.
What about you, sir?
- [man 3] Five-eight.
- Five-eight, oh.
- [man 4] Yeah!
- Nigga winnin'.
[people cheering]
Right.
I hate it. 'Cause the women,
they all obsessed with height.
Y'all put it all in your Tinder profile.
It's like, stop this!
There's some short kings out here
that's good... good catches.
He got him a baddie.
You know?
It's like, stop being obsessed with...
Height is just titties for men.
It's just something
that everybody can see,
that you didn't earn.
And you show up and get treated
better than the rest of us.
And act like it's something
you fuckin' accomplished on your own.
It used to piss me off,
like when I was in high school
and I ain't know how
to talk to women yet, you know,
it was always the tall dudes
that was like, "Hey, man,
look, all you gotta do
is just be yourself."
Not when you five-six.
If you in high school and you
five-something, and trying to get laid,
you can't be yourself,
you have to be talented.
You've gotta be charismatic,
you have to be one
of the only people that sell cocaine.
And when I see one of you tall fucks...
dancin' the night away...
surrounded by bad bitches
and fresh fruit they brought you...
I don't wish you were my height.
That's a child's wish.
I wish you would keep growin'.
Yeah, uncontrollably, non-stop.
Till you reach a height
where it's not sexy to nobody.
What'd you say? You six-three?
Six-four? Yeah, okay.
You be about... You be about seven-two.
Still getting the same caliber of bitches.
Right, they'll think you in the league.
You got no integrity,
you won't correct 'em.
Well, by the time you about nine-three,
you have the driest dick in America.
Yeah, at that point,
you just a freak, you just a spectacle.
Nobody's having sexual thoughts
about nine-foot men, okay?
The angles are off.
That's like me coming across
some tire-sized titties.
Like... Like sure, I wanna see them.
S... So I can say I saw them, but,
I don't wanna be responsible
for 'em on a regular basis.
It's heavy.
You know.
I don't like it, we gotta get...
We gotta nip this in the bud.
We outta control.
I think... You know what?
I think we could solve
a lot of problems in society
if, uh, if men
had to put they dick size
on they driver's license.
- [woman] Really?
- Yeah.
Think about this.
We got...
We got a gun violence problem, right?
But what's the real problem?
It's not guns,
but it's who could get a gun.
And we gotta stop these little-dick niggas
from getting guns.
Because...
'Cause I got a theory.
I think a man shooting,
I think that's little-dick activity.
It's something about shooting up an area
that screams "little-dick activity" to me.
You know? 'Cause... And don't misinterpret...
I'm not... I'm not suggesting that dudes
with big dicks don't kill people.
But we...
we usually kill specific people.
You know? 'Cause I can empathize
with a man being fed up.
Being at his limit, you know?
We all get frustrated at work,
whatever, life, whatever, society...
That's why we go home,
drink a little beer, smoke a little weed,
so we can calm down
and don't kill no-fuckin'-body.
Right?
If I ever got to the point where I'm like,
"Imma kill a motherfucker tomorrow,"
I'm walking into work,
and I'm shooting Cheryl.
'Cause she the one been fucking
with me for three and a half years.
I'm not gonna shoot up Accounts Receivable
and hope Cheryl get the message, right?
What kind of man
does a passive-aggressive murder?
A little-dick man, if you ask me.
[crowd cheering]
Yeah.
I know y'all uncomfortable
with this, but listen.
We can go measure and see if I'm right.
For whatever reason,
if you kill a lot of people, they kill you
or arrest you gently, you know?
So we got a lot of these niggas intact.
Let's go see what
they working with. Because...
Look, if you woke up tomorrow
and I published my findings...
all of y'all would be like,
"Get the fuck outta here."
"Every mass shooter in the last 30 years
got a three-inch dick?"
"Erect? Wow, that's crazy.
I woulda never thought."
Then we would have bipartisan support.
Introduce my legislation, "Liberals,
I'm getting guns off the street."
"Conservatives, I'm creating jobs."
Right? We start a national corp
of dick measurers, like the Census.
Right? We base it out of Texas, okay?
And every five years,
we go around the country,
we measure every penis.
We give you a comprehensive dick score.
We put it on your license, all right?
And then, your dick score determine
what size weapons you're allowed to own.
Th... This is the dream.
Picture it, imagine it.
Some nerd walks into the gun store.
[stuttering] "Excuse me.
Nobody will fuck me or be my friend. Um..."
"Let me have an AR-15, please."
"Um, let me see your ID here."
[sucks air in teeth]
"Ooh."
"I'm so sorry, sir. You, uh...
You don't have the girth for a rifle."
"Yeah, it's a minimum girth."
"Um..."
"You can still purchase this high-end
slingshot."
Or this surprisingly effective
duck call, those are your two choices.
And then, he goes to work the next day,
"Fuck you, Cheryl!" [mimics duck call]
Okay.
I love it, I love it.
This is something I love the most.
This is the funniest thing to me
about, like, society and shit, like...
Everybody's gathered here.
Having a good time.
People from all walks of life.
Right? And...
We didn't cure COVID.
We just... We just stopped caring.
- Right? But...
- [man] Right.
So what's the lesson
to learn from all that, is that, hey,
don't let politicians get you
riled up and hating your neighbor.
Right? 'Cause... Because the truth is,
you gotta admit, this is evidence,
the only difference between conservatives
and liberals, when it came to COVID,
was how long you gave a fuck.
[audience cheering loudly]
Yeah.
'Cause... Look, I'm not saying...
I'm not saying you can't disagree,
you can't argue,
you can't fight for your rights.
But, like, you got more in common
than they let on, you know?
Yeah, liberals gave it
like a year and a half,
conservatives give it
like a week and a half.
But we all arrived at the same conclusion.
Grandma need to stay in the fuckin' house.
So we can go outside, you feel me?
Think about it, you sitting here,
not giving a fuck about something
that we were so serious about...
Motherfuckers was losing friends,
stopped talking to family...
"I'm not gonna sit
at Thanksgiving table and..." Right?
I ain't lose nobody.
I knew my uncle
was a dumb bitch way before
the pandemic.
You know? I still love him,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, "Fuck Dr. Fauci."
"He don't make peach cobbler, nigga."
The only place it still feel like
the pandemic sometimes, is in an Uber.
Right?
There's a small part of Americans that
didn't get the memo. They out here still...
You know, like it's 2020,
masked up, gloved up.
And sometimes, they be your Uber driver.
You know, and it's like they not wrong.
But it's like,
"You stupid bitch, stop that shit."
Right? That's how you feel sometimes.
You making me feel stupid.
But if you in somebody's car, you in
an Uber, you gotta be on what they on.
And I travel too much,
I catch too many Ubers.
So I gotta keep a mask on me
when I go to certain places.
'Cause I don't know what they gonna...
Like I treat my mask like a condom.
In an Uber, I get in, and I'm like, "So..."
"Like..."
"We can use 'em
if you really wanna use 'em, but..."
"Come on, I'm clean. What are we gonna..."
They're like, "When you got tested?"
I'm like, "I meant I don't feel sick."
"I don't know..."
[chuckles] You know what I'm saying?
Speaking of condoms,
do you guys know that, uh,
even though the economy's
all fucked and crazy now,
the condoms are going steady.
Yeah, steadily up.
Yeah, which means
a lot of people are buying condoms.
Which is crazy to me,
'cause nobody uses condoms.
Right, and see, you giggle 'cause you
kinda know what I'm saying is true.
I mean, we live in a time where
they put up billboards to remind you
that syphilis is still a th...
You know what I mean?
But I ask this question
in every city and every show,
and I get the same answer every time.
Right? Watch this.
Uh, round of applause if you use condoms.
[silence]
[laughter]
See how wild that is?
We all doing it raw out here.
Yeah.
The goal is raw, raw is for lovers,
we all trying to get to raw.
That's why half of y'all psychos
are buying condoms for no reasons.
Because you want the new person you're
trying to fuck to notice the condoms,
assume you use them all the time
and not make you use one.
Those are the only people buying condoms.
And listen, that's not true.
There's a very, very, very small, niche
group of people that also buy condoms.
And it's people that, um,
respect the hell out of their wives
but still cheat on them.
Yeah, it's like, "I'll break our vows,
but I'm not gonna fuck up
your pH balance, baby. I'm..."
"I'm not gonna bring another bitch flora
and fauna to your pussy. That's..."
"That'll be disrespectful."
And it kind of scares me because...
because nobody's using condoms
at a time when, like,
we hornier than we ever been.
- Everybody horny as shit.
- [person] Whoo!
Right, because, think about this.
COVID is the last thing that happened
to everybody in the world
since World War II.
And what happened after World War II?
Baby boom.
'Cause when people think
the world about to end,
we like, "We got to get it in!"
When you think you might die,
you wanna fuck.
Scientifically proven, around the world,
everybody hornier than a motherfucker.
Hornier than ever.
And I personally think America
is hornier than the rest of the world.
Right? Because we got caught off guard.
The most.
Which made it scarier,
which made us hornier.
And why did we get caught off guard?
Well, because we the best.
And we been the best for so long,
a lot of us was born in the best country.
And we spoiled about a lot of shit.
And... And one of the things that we spoiled
about the most is new diseases.
We don't have to worry about those,
we just hear about 'em.
Right, remember SARS?
Remember bird flu?
Remember swine flu? Ebola?
Yeah, that was all shit
we read about, it didn't stop our lives.
We were like, "Oh, oh, shit.
Okay, damn. That's horrible."
"For them. Okay, can I please
get a number two with a..."
So when COVID came around,
we was business as usual.
We were the last ones to catch on.
And see, a lot of y'all,
again, you cocky now,
we well out of it, nobody cares.
You've got shit you believe
over other shit.
But remember when it was not political,
nobody knew shit,
and it was just scary as fuck?
Imma take you back.
December.
We all heard little whisperings,
"There's a new disease."
We said, "Whereabout?"
"They said somewhere in China."
We was like,
"Okay, ain't that where they be at? Like..."
"Fuck that got to do with us?
We're going Christmas shopping, okay."
"Get these deals, huh?"
Then a few weeks later,
we heard it was fuckin' up Italy.
We were like,
"Oh, shit, that's unusual. Hm."
"Maybe we should prepare,
or something like that, eh?"
"Yeah, but you know what, though?
They dirty as shit in Italy, like..."
"They got one famous canal, you can't swim
in it. That's crazy. They nasty as shit."
"Of course, if it was gonna be anywhere,
it would be Italy, you know?"
"Happy New Year."
Then a few weeks later,
we heard it was fucking up Seattle.
And we were like,
"Okay, that's concerning."
"That means it's here.
So, maybe we should probably..."
"But you know what, though?
If you think about it, like Seattle..."
"That's basically
the Italy of America, like if we..."
"They dirty as shit too."
"All they gave us was, what?
Grunge music, the Supersonics."
"They fuckin' nasty, bro.
If it was gonna be anywhere..."
"Happy Valentine."
Then a couple weeks later,
it started affecting important places.
Shut down New York City.
"Not our crown jewel."
They beat 9/11.
Then it fucked up Hollywood.
Started shutting off TV.
We were still outside.
Then Tom Hanks got it.
We said, "Shit, rich people getting it?"
"Get all the toilet paper you can carry!
Get in the house!"
"Don't come out! Hide from everything!"
That's when you were so horny
you couldn't believe it.
And what made it even scarier,
which made us even hornier,
is that dumb motherfuckers
always talk first.
Way before scientists.
That's just how the world works.
Science take time, stupid is instant.
Don't forget, we were scared to death.
All we knew was it was here,
it had killed people and it was spreading,
and it was in the air.
And we waiting for fuckin' answers,
and scientists are collecting samples,
and waiting for centrifuges
to stop spinning.
And the dumbest nigga you know
was on Twitter going,
"It's coming from
the 5G antennas, everybody."
"We knew these next-generation speeds
would come at a price."
"They broadcasting it to us all,
and it's all the worst things
mixed together."
"It's AIDS mixed with Ebola,
mixed with child support!"
"Run for your lives!
Hide wherever you can!"
That's when you was at your horniest.
In the house, running out of toilet paper.
Looking into bidets for the first time.
Peeking out your blinds, like,
"I might have to fuck
whoever left out there."
Number one song in the country
was "Wet-Ass Pussy."
For most of that whole year.
And if you look
into the history of Billboard,
there's never been a song
with "pussy" in the title
in the top 50, let alone number one.
We did that.
Some of the old guys are confused, um...
"Wet-Ass Pussy," the kids called it "WAP,"
it's "WAP" for short.
Uh...
But it's... it's...
It's a women's-empowerment anthem
by a stripper
turned rapper
named Cardi B.
Um, basically, America's sweetheart.
You know?
And...
And, uh... And it's all about
all the things she gets away with
and all the privileges she gets
'cause she got good-ass pussy.
Right, and my favorite part of the song...
You're gonna love this... My favorite part
of the song, she goes, uh,
"I don't cook, I don't clean."
"How you think I got this ring?"
Right, implying that she don't gotta do
none of that wifey shit
'cause she got good-ass pussy.
She got married anyway,
you know what I mean?
And... And that's hilarious because
shortly after the song came out,
her husband cheated on her.
And...
Uh... That's... No, I mean that's... Listen.
I celebrate Black love.
They got back together.
They back together, and they had
another baby, beautiful family.
They going strong,
and I wish them the best.
But I'm sure now, you know, Cardi knows
she got amazing pussy,
but she still need to, you know,
microwave a Hot Pocket sometimes, or...
You know, maybe you got take-a-load-
out-the-dryer-and-fold-it-pussy.
I don't know what your dynamic is, but...
But no-chores-pussy
is like once in a generation.
Like most of y'all
don't got that, that's crazy.
It's a crazy standard to hold yourself to.
That's the problem with that song, it was
so catchy, everybody was in the house,
we all heard it, everybody know the words,
and it fucked a lot of women up.
It made a lot of women think
they got better pussy than they got.
You know, everybody know the words think
they got the WAP. How's that possible?
How can everybody have something
that's special? That's crazy.
Okay, look, I ain't here
to fuck with y'all's self-esteem.
Everybody got the WAP, okay?
Yeah, tell 'em I said it. I'll vouch.
But I will say, there's levels
to the WAP, can we agree?
Yeah, all pussies ain't created equal.
No, no. Go to the vagina museum.
It's all...
They all different shapes and sizes
and curves and ridges
and different pelvic-floor strengths.
There's pussy
that feel like it got a hand in it
that's doing extra stuff.
Now, I measure pussy
by what it could potentially ruin.
So...
I'll say, um...
WAP one...
can ruin your other relationships.
You know, you get some WAP one,
you know, you're gonna call your mom less.
Um, you gonna start
canceling plans with the homies,
or cutting 'em short more often, um...
You gonna start sending emojis
that you wasn't sending before. Um...
You might have to sell something you love,
your PlayStation, your golf clubs.
But that... that's standard good pussy. Um...
And that's the highest
good pussy I advise,
um... you deal with, um,
'cause it gets out of control
from there. Um...
Now, WAP two,
Well, first, I don't know who graduated
or whatever, but, um...
This... This is not additive,
this is exponential.
Like the Richter scale.
[stammering] In other words...
[clears throat] WAP two is not
two WAP ones.
It's ten of 'em.
And then a hundred and a thousand and so...
You just need to understand
the jumping power is substantial.
WAP two can fuck up your finances.
Okay? It's that pyramid-scheme pussy.
Shit'll have you wake up
in a couple weeks, like,
"When did I order
all this Herbalife? I guess..."
"I guess I'm a small business
owner now, hm."
[exhales] The WAP three,
I call that, uh, anti-matter pussy.
Right when you come in contact
with it, it destroy both of y'all.
Right? That Amber Heard, if you will.
You know?
Pussy so good, she take a shit
on your bed, you don't break up with her.
No, you stick around.
She cut off one of your fingers, you like,
"I got nine more fingers. God is good."
"All right?"
"We gonna abuse each other
till we go to trial, bitch."
Now, WAP four, uh,
is as high as I'm gonna go, 'cause, uh...
You know, WAP five is Eve. Um...
WAP four is as high as I'll go 'cause
I don't think none of y'all got that,
'cause...
It's not that I don't believe in you that...
I just feel like that's a lot of power
for one person to have, and just
be sitting here with us regular folk.
You know what I mean?
WAP four can...
can ruin a nation.
Change the course of history.
Start a war, end a war.
You know, that Helen of Troy.
- [man] Right.
- I love the confidence here.
Some women looking at me like,
"Nigga, you ain't saying shit."
Look, she confident,
she looking at me like,
"Boy, I'll put it on Putin one time,
and save Ukraine with this pussy, blood."
I love that faith.
[audience cheers and whistles]
Right?
She looking at me like, "And?"
No, I like the confidence. I would love
all you ladies to be confident.
I just want you to be accurate.
Okay, if you think...
If you saying you got that four,
I'm not here to tell you otherwise.
But I want you to be accurate.
Okay, you might have a four's attitude,
you walking around with a 3.5
talking too much, know what I'm saying?
So, what Imma do for you is,
Imma give you a historical example,
and then you decide
where your pussy measure up.
Deal?
[man] Deal.
Okay, so...
Y'all heard of Queen Elizabeth?
This, uh, you know,
this seemingly immortal,
racist, Cryptkeeper-lookin' bitch
that finally fuckin' died
when they found the Infinity Stones,
or whatever killed that fuckin' cunt.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Groan all the fuck you want,
you footlockers.
How dare you be a real American,
worshiping the Royal Family
like they fuckin' matter.
They are...
- Listen.
- [cheering]
They are, objectively,
the worst family that has ever lived.
All they've ever done is steal shit,
destroy cultures and fuck their cousins.
They just the Targaryens with no dragons.
They not better than you.
Anyway... Ole Lizzy
was not supposed
to be the Queen of England.
Okay? She was not in line to be the Queen.
Her Uncle Edward was the King of England.
He started fuckin' with an American woman
named Wallis Simpson.
No relation.
Bomb-ass pussy, though.
Wallis was originally married
to a pilot.
Back when pilots was new.
Very lucrative.
She divorced that pilot,
married a millionaire,
back when millionaire
was as high as you could go.
Divorced the millionaire,
started fucking the King of England.
Yeah, yeah.
That... That pussy went pilot,
millionaire, royalty.
That's a hell of a resume
for one vagina, is it not?
Like her queefs are just The Jeffersons
theme song, you know what I mean?
I'm sorry, young lady, The Jeffersons is
a sitcom from the '80s, where...
It was like a rags-to-riches story,
and the main part of the theme song was...
Movin' on up
Right? So, that's why
these old fucks are laughing.
But, um, he wanted
to marry her immediately.
Right, less than a year
he was trying to get linked, right?
And, uh, the problem is,
the King of England is also
automatically the head
of the Church of England.
And the Church gotta bless you
being King, you know?
And the Church of England
didn't allow divorce.
At the time,
and so they was like, "Hey, you can't
be the King and marry a divorced bitch."
So he just quit being the King.
He's the first king, and only king
in history, to just give up the throne.
He gave it to his little brother.
His little brother never expected
to be King. He wasn't ready.
It overwhelmed him. He had a speech
impediment and a cocaine problem.
Ten months into his reign,
he dropped dead of a heart attack,
and everything passed on
to his teenage daughter, Elizabeth.
And that is how
we got stuck with that bitch
for 90 million years,
or whatever the fuck.
So ask yourself again,
do you have quit-being-the-king-pussy?
Hm.
Now, if you say yes, I'll believe you,
and I will just respectfully
like to sniff it one time,
just so I... just so I can know...
for the future, you know?
Now...
I don't know if y'all picked up on it, um...
I been dropping little clues,
little Easter eggs,
throughout my set, um...
But I'm a... I'm a big time
feminist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I've been doing a lot of reading lately,
and, um, you know,
Bell Hooks, etc., you know?
They make good points, like,
"Women are people," stuff like that.
I'm like, "Okay,
that's a good argument." You know? So...
I started acting like women were people.
It didn't break anything or ruin anything.
And, um... And as...
As a male feminist... I might be
the greatest male feminist of all time.
I study on, I meditate on my feminism.
I think about it a lot.
I've thought about this a lot.
Um...
As a male feminist,
there's only three situations
that I will be comfortable
punching a woman in the face.
And... And not feeling bad
about it, uh, at all. Right?
And, uh... And listen,
I know a lot of the women already got
strong feelings about it. You know?
You haven't heard what I'll say, and I've
been entertaining you for an hour.
Maybe some of y'all think I'll be like,
"Punch bitches, good night," right? But...
I don't want everybody
screaming out how they feel.
I'll just... I'm gonna pick one of y'all
to just be the representative.
Is it okay with you? You wanna...
Okay, so Imma say each reason,
and then, Imma do like this, and then,
you can respond however you like.
You can say whatever you want.
You can't say "nigga" though. I know...
Yeah, the white women tricky.
They be like, "You said anything."
No, bitch, not... Not on my watch, no. So...
Here it is, three reasons
I would punch a woman in the face,
and not feel bad about it, um...
Number one,
is if she asked me to.
Yeah, that's called "consent."
That's none of your business, uh,
how two adults climax, or whatever.
That, um...
Are you okay with consent, ma'am?
- Yeah.
- [Simpson] Yes?
Good girl. So...
[crowd cheering]
So, my number two reason,
uh, that I would punch a woman in the face
and not feel bad about it, at all,
uh, is if she was stompin' out my mama.
Now... let me be clear.
I'll let you get a fair fight
with my mama.
She talk a lot of shit.
Sh... She got a mouth on her, you know?
But she got hands to match.
Right? She legendary in the hood.
She like 49 and 12,
something crazy, you know?
Yeah. But I'm not gonna
let you stomp her out.
I know a lot of y'all from the suburbs.
A stomp out is basically...
uh... when you already won a fist fight,
and your opponent is on the ground,
and you decide to be extra
and stomp on her body,
uh, for bonus damage.
You know?
Let's just say, for the sake of argument,
you know, you at the function,
you get into it with my mom,
you know, it come to blows,
and, you know,
the Lord is with you that day.
You know, you overcome the Philly Shell,
you get the best of her.
She's laid out.
That's not an issue.
I'll help her up, we'll go home.
It's happened a dozen times before.
But if you move in for the stomp,
Imma jab you, bitch.
I'm not letting you
stomp my mama, I'm sorry.
And, again, let me be clear.
I'm not gonna fight you
like I would fight a man.
But Imma give you a quick, you know,
"Bitch, be good,"
you know what I'm sayin'?
Imma give you a little sample, you decide
if you want the whole thing, like, uh...
Like Costco, but for whooping your ass.
For my mom, is all I'm saying.
For my mom?
That's fair?
Thank you, thank you. Outstanding.
[people cheering]
Oh. [clears throat]
And last but not least, um...
My tip-top reason,
uh, that I would punch
a... a woman in the face,
and not feel bad at all...
Uh... And let me just say,
as a veteran of the US Marine Corp...
[loud cheering]
...my most American reason
that I will punch a woman in the face
and not feel bad at all...
[person] Yeah.
...is if someone offered me enough money,
for the right amount of money...
[cheering]
Yeah, that's where I am with it. Um...
That's the American way.
Okay, our values are for sale.
There's three numbers
you gotta know as an American,
your address, your social
and how much money you would sell out for.
And, uh, for me,
where I am in my life right now...
Uh, you know, 'cause Netflix doesn't pay
as much as you would imagine.
Uh... For about 50 thousand dollars,
not a bitch in this room
would be safe, you understand?
I will put the tips
on every single one of y'all.
No, we're stupid, we're silly.
We're having fun, you know?
Some blogger's gonna
have fun with it and report...
I want y'all to know something.
I ain't one of these comedians
to be hiding behind,
like, "Oh... Oh, you know, the...
This is art, and these are just jokes."
I meant that.
You know, so decide
if you still a fan, or whatever.
Nah, I'm kidding. No, seriously.
No, seriously, guys, listen,
there's no lessons in my jokes.
Know what I mean, if you learned
something, or shifted your perspective,
or you feel enlightened by something,
that was purely a coincidence by...
You know what I'm saying?
That's just a side effect.
My goal was to make you laugh, you know?
I'm not a philosopher king
or none of that shit, you know?
But some people, that's not enough.
They need they comedians to be serious,
they want a real nugget to leave with.
You know, something to really
remember it by, that I really mean,
that's really my personality.
And some of y'all need...
And this last one,
this is for those people, okay?
If you gotta leave here with something,
leave here with this...
All y'all gay.
All y'all gay.
That's facts.
I'm mostly talking to the men. You're...
You know, you're gayer
than you're allowed to admit.
Like I said, I did a lot of reading.
I discovered this guy, Dr. Kinsey. 'Kay?
He's an American scientist.
He's the first person
to actually study sexuality in depth.
He did it for 40-some odd years.
He did so many surveys and experiments,
and he founded the Institute of Sexuality.
And he invented the Kinsey Scale.
Which is a measure of how gay you are.
And so, Dr. Kinsey says,
"'Are you gay, ' is a silly question."
"The real question is 'How gay are you?'"
And... And I've lost a lot of you,
especially the older people,
'cause y'all grew up like me,
in the '70s and '80s.
Okay, it was a simpler time.
You was either gay or straight.
Or ugly.
But now we know better
than that, it's not binary.
It's a spectrum, my niggas.
Okay? And you somewhere on there.
It goes all the way
from Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
to Lil Nas X's backup dancer.
And you... And you somewhere on there.
And... Look, in other words, it's...
We used to think it was a light switch.
Now we know it's a dimmer switch.
Okay, all right.
See, this... this is the part
of the night where I realize,
oh, the crowd is full
of a bunch of bitch-ass niggas.
That's what you are. You... I been...
For 55 minutes, I been shittin'
on women's mustaches and ovaries,
and I gave you a list of reasons
I will punch 'em in the face,
and all y'all was... [mimics chuckling]
"Yeah, get her!"
And now, I'm just making
a general observation
that mildly threatens your sexuality,
and you motherfuckers can't handle it.
[audience cheering]
I see. I see.
It's all right. It's all right.
'Cause I... I understand, fellas.
I get what's going on.
You know, it's like... Like...
Ladies, this is the one area
where y'all really actually do
have a... an advantage, you know?
'Cause, like, sure, you know,
your eggs are running out, right? But...
But your sexuality is
infinite and untouchable.
Y'all can go to college
and eat 45 pussies.
And right after graduation, be like,
"You know what? It's not for me."
And go get you a husband.
Tell him all the stories,
show him the pictures.
These dudes can't even laugh
at this joke too hard, because...
Because masculinity is a prison.
Okay? Manness is a club, okay, it's a box.
You gotta stay in the fuckin' box.
You can lose being a man, you understand?
It's like being stripped
of the title, no rematch.
One gay shit, you're out the club.
Right? that's all these dudes'
biggest fear.
They gonna come to close to some gay shit,
and then, the UFC announcement team
is gonna materialize.
Like, "It's all over! It's all over!"
"It's the end of an era!"
But deep down, they all know
what I'm saying is kinda true.
'Cause all the manliest shit
is the gayest shit.
If you exclude women from something,
it's just a countdown till it gets gay.
You been to prison? Gay!
Oh, you played football? Locker room, gay!
Oh, you served in the military?
Gay as fuck.
It's the gayest thing you ever did.
But I get, it. Like I said, I get it.
We're trapped, we're trapped.
We got all these dumb rules
that make us behave weirdly to y'all.
Every time you see a man
doing something you don't understand...
Y'all got all these names for it.
"Oh, it's misogyny,
it's homophobia, it's all this."
It's just the same phenomenon,
you just naming it different shit.
It's nigga's tryin' to stay in the box.
Okay, because one step out,
it's cold out here.
Out here, they treat you
like a woman, oh no!
So, we do everything we can
to stay right here with it.
We got dumb... Like, you know one
of the rules for men... This is crazy to me.
We allowed to hug our friends
but we not allowed to exhale.
No, you gotta hold your breath
during that hug.
No matter how much
you miss 'em, you gotta...
The best you can do
is punch 'em in the spine, "My guy!"
He coulda just done 15 years in prison.
For you.
And you at his coming home party,
you hug him, soon as your shoulders drop...
[exhales] ...someone's gonna be like,
"You see that?"
"That was romantic, nigga.
What's going on with him?"
You know, they...
they did a survey. [clears throat]
60% of men,
uh, saw all 27
of the first 27 Marvel movies.
Yeah. And 90% of them
gave 'em positive reviews.
That's how much we love superheroes.
Infinity War was fuckin' dope.
Right, I could write
them same exact movies,
and change one detail.
At the end, Thanos snap like this...
And...
And them same dudes would
have to change they whole opinion
of everything that happened.
"Like, I mean, it was cool
to see it on the big screen, but...
I felt like it had an agenda,
you know what I mean, like,
Thanos was kind of suss, or whatever."
Yeah, it's wild, it's wild.
I wish... I wish the Kinsey Scale was just
a scale you could stand on, and it would...
It would say how gay you were,
you know what I mean?
I would make all y'all do it
on the way out.
And watch you fuckin' squirm.
Dudes so insecure,
they'd be like, "What?!" [gasps]
"What? Can I take off my shoes first and..."
[chuckles]
No, it's true, it's true.
And y'all know it, 'cause we've met
those dudes that are "100% straight."
Those are the weird people.
First of all, you're not resourceful.
I don't respect that.
You're not gonna touch a dick in a pinch?
You a coward, is what you are.
No matter what's at stake? Come on.
I think the straightest you can be,
and be a normal person,
is about 95%.
Yeah, yeah, that's right,
I'm calling all of you
5% gay.
I think that's about the average...
I think that's the straightest you can be
and be... and act normal.
Okay, I'm not backing down.
You 5% gay, nigga, that's what I said.
Guys, again, relax,
this is not a trick, I'm on your side.
Masculinity's a prison,
I'm trying to bust you out.
That... Listen, 95%
straight is straight enough.
That... That 5%,
that's where your feminine side live.
That's where your empathy at.
That's why you can listen to your woman's
stories and pretend you care.
That's why you can play dress-ups
with your kids.
That's why you can rub a baby's chin
and say, "Goochie-goo."
5% gay don't mean you love dick.
It means you a grown-ass man
that's focused on his mission,
that's willing to tolerate a dick
if it gets in the way.
That's called being an adult,
grow the fuck up.
[people cheering]
I'm calling you gay
'cause I believe in you, motherfucker.
Still don't get 'em.
All right, that's fine. I ain't want it
to have to come to this, but whatever.
You know, ladies,
I been kinda shittin' on y'all all night.
And, uh, I'm not sorry, but...
it's all led up to this moment, you know?
'Cause these dudes left me hanging.
And... So Imma bless y'all...
Imma bless y'all
with a little nugget, okay?
I'm about to tell y'all a fact
about men
that you have probably never heard.
Right?
Look how quiet it is. Hmm.
All I ask in exchange
for revealing
this little nugget of wisdom,
is that you look at the face
of the man that's with you
as I say this.
Okay?
And if you not here with no man,
just watch this nigga right here,
and this motherfucker right there, okay?
'Cause both of them... Both of them
were laughing the hardest the whole show.
Until I started this joke,
and I lost 'em both.
They been straight-faced the whole time.
Arms folded.
"Speak for yourself, queer,"
you know what I mean?
Just looking at me like that.
Like, "Just come out
the closet, it's Austin."
"Nobody cares, faggot,"
you know what I mean?
That's how they were looking at me.
So,
watch your man and watch these men.
Okay?
And here it is, very simple.
Every man in America
has one thing in common, for sure.
We've all been getting haircuts
since we was babies.
And one thing we never talk about,
is every once in a blue moon,
in the middle of a haircut, the barber's
dick will brush up against you.
Yeah, you're not straight-faced
no more, my nigga, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All y'all had a dick on you.
I don't hear no objections.
Yeah, let's talk about it.
Nah, don't explain.
Let me talk, I'll explain for you.
Now, listen, ladies, it's not...
it's not sexual.
It's just physics.
Okay, those beauty chairs
are well-lubricated.
You tap 'em like that, they fuckin' spin,
you know? Slightest momentum.
And if you got a good barber,
they up on you close, they rotatin'.
For precision.
Right? Sometimes, the chair and the barber
are going in opposite directions.
You got your elbow sticking off too far.
Out of nowhere... bang.
You've been hit by a smooth criminal.
And here is what's gonna
really blow your fuckin' mind!
Do you know how we react
when this happens?
We don't.
We don't.
We have all the little ways
that niggas cancel out gay shit,
pause, no homo, all that,
we don't do none of that shit.
We freeze, we act like
it didn't fuckin' happen.
And do you know why we act
like it didn't happen?
It's because we're grown men.
And we understand
that the worst thing
that can happen at a barber shop,
ain't a half-second dick touch.
It's walkin' out that barber shop
with a fucked up haircut.
[crowd cheering]
You understand?
The haircut is the mission.
The dick is in the way.
And if you was 100% straight, you'd
run out that barber shop screaming,
or fight somebody,
or come back with a shotgun.
But you're not an idiot. You 5% gay.
And that's what allows you
to slide right past that dick.
And look in the mirror.
And go, "God damn."
"I'd risk it all again to look this good."
I'm Brian Simpson, everybody.
Thank y'all for coming out, Austin.
[loud cheering]
["Prestige" by J Soulja playing]
[no audible dialogue]
["Prestige" continues]
["Prestige" fades out]