Bride Hard (2025) Movie Script
1
(BUTTERFLY PLAYING)
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, so,
now that you're a bride,
does that make me
your "bride-or-die"?
Definitely forever.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I really cannot wait to get
as many Frenchmen's baguettes
in my mouth as possible.
So jealous. I mean,
it's gonna be just like
when we used to go out
in college,
except for, you know,
I'm pregnant now
and I can't drink,
and I actually care about
what happens to me.
Listen, that's okay, that's
okay. I will drink for you.
I'll drink for me,
I'll drink for everybody.
You guys, tonight is gonna be
the best
bachelorette party ever
because it was organized by my
oldest and dearest friend,
Sam!
This one!
(ALL CHEER)
This one!
Bon apptit.
Sound levels are a go.
Visuals are a go.
Drone in position.
B unit ready?
(OVER RADIO)
Maintain your position.
Dragonfly,
are you in position?
Dragonfly. Sam,
are you in position?
Where in the hell is she?
Thank you, Sam, for moving
the bachelorette party
to Paris
with only four days' notice
to suit your work schedule.
Well, I knew you guys
would understand.
Sure!
Of course.
Like we understand how you
missed the engagement party
and the dress-fitting brunch,
and the cake-icing design jam.
Is that really a...
That's a thing.
It's okay. It's okay.
Lucky that I am here
to pick up your slack,
even though I am not
technically the Maid of Honor.
(LAUGHS SMUGLY)
Why is she like this?
Do we have
a table booked ahead,
because he's not really...
It's fine. No, I did make
a booking,
a table under the name Sam.
Maid of Honor.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Party for Sam.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
SAM: Party for Sam!
This is your final time
for strange dick.
Oh, my God.
Strange as in unfamiliar
or strange as in weird shape?
Girl, either, both, all of it.
I don't care. Just have fun!
What are you doing here?
Things are moving fast.
The mission is no longer
tomorrow. It's tonight.
It can't be tonight.
I promised Betsy...
Betsy-Shmetsy, okay? Thousands
of lives are at stake.
You always say that.
'Cause it's always true!
Turn her.
Yay!
Welcome to Club Yoshiki.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, I cannot leave.
Like, Betsy needs me.
This is her bachelorette.
Smile.
Mom, what are you doing here?
I slept my way in.
You did what?
I slept here overnight.
Oh, my God. I thought you were
saying something else.
I'm sure Betsy won't mind
if I join you girls.
No, I mean, who wouldn't mind
their future mother-in-law
surprising them at their own
bachelorette party?
I need you to leave
in 30 seconds.
Betsy will notice me go.
29, 28, 27...
I'll be at the truck.
She... What am I gonna do?
I arranged a distraction.
What?
It's a pretty damn
good one, too.
(YELLING)
(GASPS)
I hate you.
Sam.
We hear someone's
getting married.
(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY AND LAUGHS)
Come on!
(SHRIEKS)
Wait, wait.
If I'm getting dry humped by
a Viking, you are, too.
We're in this together.
We got room for two.
Betsy!
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
God. Oh, my God. Yeah!
You are working it. (GIGGLES)
(VIKING GRUNTS)
Sam, I'm really glad we're
hanging out again together.
It's been too long.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. I forgive you.
(LAUGHS)
You know, you're really great,
but I really love my fianc.
You know.
VIKING: Whoo!
Okay.
Oh, my God!
Mm, mm, mm!
Whoa!
Did you feel Thor's hammer?
BETSY: Where...
Where's my friend?
You're my Viking lover.
Sam?
Where did Sam go?
What's your love language?
Well, it used to be
physical touch.
What did Sam say she does
for a living again?
Cat show entrepreneur.
Spank, spank, spank, spank!
(SHRIEKS)
(BELL TOLLS IN DISTANCE)
EDGAR: Where the hell
have you been?
Let's focus here.
We're guests of
the French government.
Let's keep a low profile.
Let's get an identification
and get out of here.
Hello, Muscles.
Face coming through?
Magnus Paulson.
Son of a bitch.
We meet again.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
(MAGNUS SPEAKING)
Is that the bioweapon?
Oh, my God.
What?
Intel said they were
six months away.
BETSY: We need to get
the package.
Negative, Sam.
We are not authorized
for conflict engagement.
We're not even actually armed.
SAM: Speak for yourself.
God damn it, Sam.
You're making me do this.
STEVIE: Uh,
Dragonfly is on the move.
EDGAR: B unit, subdue
Agent Sam Doolan.
SAM: Do not get in my way.
Come on!
She's fighting our own guys.
Go us.
(BOTH GRUNT)
I don't like this.
Let's go.
STEVIE: What is she doing?
(SAM YELLS)
(YELPS)
Sam! What are you doing?
I'm going to get the package.
Are you with me or not?
Fine.
For the lovely ladies.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Don't mind if I do.
Sam, this mission is
observation only. Disengage.
Are you serious?
No, that's my best drone!
Come on!
Okay, take this.
We need to split up.
Let's get him! Go!
SAM: (GIGGLING) Stop.
Mm, mm!
Mm.
I've been plundered.
What is her job that is
so important?
What is this profession?
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(PANTS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Yes. Keep going, you got it!
You guys, wait.
Who runs out on their
best friend's bachelorette?
ZOE: Just drink!
(WHINES)
EDGAR: Agent Dragonfly,
up here!
(GROANING)
You're going to shoot me?
Really?
Now let's negotiate my passage
from Europe.
Sure, let's talk.
MAGNUS: These are the terms.
One, I keep what's
in this bag.
(YAWNS)
Two, no...
(YELLS)
EDGAR: God damn it, Sam!
Debrief in the safe room!
We got him.
Debrief!
I know. Genius move.
Stop! Stop the truck!
"Thanks, Sam!" You're welcome!
(SIRENS WAILING)
(GUNSHOTS)
Sam.
Okay, okay!
I'm sorry I kicked you
in the face
and you in the quim.
Sorry I broke your drone,
Stevie.
But, hey,
we got the bioweapon!
NADINE: We got the bioweapon.
EDGAR: Sam...
(VOCALIZING TRIUMPHANTLY)
Bioweapon? Sam, you almost
killed four of us, right?
You managed to somehow drop me
several stories
into a caprese salad!
But she's not trying to
make me feel special tonight.
Nope. Nope.
SAM: No.
It's not because
she doesn't love you.
I don't want to plant that
thought in your head, okay?
She doesn't love me, huh?
I don't know what the hell
to do with you. Okay?
So I'm gonna take you
off the ice, we're gonna
put you on the bench...
What?
And we'll just say
you're on holiday. Okay?
I haven't taken a holiday
in five years.
Okay...
(EXCLAIMS IN ANNOYANCE)
What I want you to do
right now
is just get out of my sight!
Now!
Okay. Well, I have to go,
'cause those penis straws
aren't gonna suck themselves.
NADINE: I'll just...
I'll call you later.
Anyone who runs out of a
bachelorette, they're a dick.
You hear me? A dick.
SAM: They're a dick.
VIRGINIA: Right?
On top of it, a Maid of Honor?
A Maid of Honor!
All I gotta say is
that that person is...
VIRGINIA: Oh, hi, Sam.
I don't even want to see her.
Welcome back.
Welcome back, Sam.
SAM: Hey.
LYDIA: What up, Sam?
Hi.
Well, hello,
Sam-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
Uh... Betsy,
that was so my bad.
It was just a crazy
work emergency.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Sam.
LYDIA: Thank God
you were there.
Where's your
bachelorette sash?
There was a prized cat
that just went mental
and swiped a judge's neck,
and so I had to use it
as an emergency tourniquet.
LYDIA: Wow.
SAM: It's fine now, though.
He'd just have to
wear turtlenecks
for the rest of his life.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) You know what?
I think I need to make
a small vomit.
ZOE: Okay...
Wait, I'll hold your hair.
Let's get to the bath... Oh!
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Come on.
Right there.
BETSY: Oh, God! Sam! (COUGHS)
Get it off your chest.
BETSY: I mean...
We changed all of
our little plans for you,
so we could be here, and then,
you just, like, poof...
Yeah.
You just disappeared.
I know, but...
Darling, I want to check.
Are you all right?
Water.
I've got this, Virginia.
It's fine. I've got this.
(GASPS)
Virginia!
Virginia!
VIRGINIA: Oh, Betsy.
Oh, my God,
you're such a good friend.
(GASPS) I have a question
for you.
Would you be
my new Maid of Honor?
Oh.
Yes.
BETSY: Thank you.
And would you hold
my hair back, please?
Yes, Betsy. Yes, I will.
SAM: I'm already holding
your hair back, Bets.
Hurry.
'Cause it's coming.
ZOE: Okay, Sam...
BETSY: It's coming!
I think you should just go,
at this point.
You heard her.
VIRGINIA: I'm coming.
BETSY: 'Cause it's coming.
VIRGINIA: Girls, stand back.
BETSY: It's coming!
Shoo, I've got you.
We'll... We'll keep in touch.
LYDIA: Y'all need these?
So, um...
ZOE: Can we please get water?
Any water.
Thank you so much.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
NADINE: You've seen
better nights, haven't you?
What are you talking about?
This has been
the best night ever.
Delusion really is
your love language.
Let's hit the clubs.
(HUMS)
Oh.
You're in the mood to party?
Yeah.
Good. 'Cause I found you
a solo mission.
Something off the books.
Nadine, solo mission!
Okay? Just to keep you busy.
Uh!
Solo mission?
Come on, brief me.
Georgia. Something big
is going down right here.
Where?
The Caudwell Estate.
It's a private island.
Nadine, that is not a mission.
That is Betsy's wedding.
I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I can tell.
You are one
shit-hot operative.
I will give you all of
your flowers on the job,
but in your real life,
you're kind of dumb.
Betsy does not want me there.
Come on. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
she's my oldest friend.
She gave me this necklace
when we were 11.
Right before my mom's
fourth divorce.
See? True friendship.
(SIGHS)
You're still wearing
the necklace.
You might as well go catch
the bouquet,
be off duty,
and dance and drink,
and show your titties
to strangers.
Okay? Laugh. Okay?
Show all of your teeth.
I laugh all the time. Look.
Sam.
Okay, all right.
Maybe I will go.
Really?
I'm proud of you.
You're also very easy
to persuade.
I'm putting that
into your psych report.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXPLODES, RUMBLES)
What the...
Don't mind that, ma'am. It's
just the twelve o'clock gun.
It's kind of a tradition here.
This is it.
SAM: Thanks.
MAN: Of course.
BETSY: Great. I love it.
Sam?
Hey.
Hi.
Uh...
Um...
Uh...
You were...
You said...
I mean, and I was probably
like... (BABBLES)
I remember
it being weird as well.
They overserved.
Overserved, yes.
Yeah.
So, um, also,
you didn't even say goodbye,
so I didn't even know
that you were gonna come.
I didn't know whether
you wanted me.
Sam.
VIRGINIA: Betsy!
Betsy, look at this.
What?
Oh!
(CLANGS)
Oh.
The wax is too hard.
You employed the wrong bees!
Virginia is really throwing
herself into the preparations.
She's been such a help.
Oh, I can see. Yeah.
It's just a tiny setback.
(CHUCKLES)
Sam.
Hmm.
You actually made it.
Great.
Please.
Wow. So, um,
you rented this place?
Such a nice Airbnb.
Oh. It's been in our family
for generations.
We've distilled
our own whiskey
for two and a half centuries.
So, no, not rented.
But I'm so glad you like it.
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
BETSY: Oh, my God.
How are you, honey?
Hi!
Hi!
I can't believe this.
But, Sam, please meet
my fianc, Ryan.
Oh, you're Sam! Oh, my gosh!
Hi.
It's so good to meet you!
This is great!
I feel like I know you.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh!
You and Bets grew up together,
right, in a neighborhood?
Yeah, 'cause that's normal.
RYAN: Of course it is!
It's amazing!
Normal? (GIGGLES)
Ryan is amazed by everything.
Sam, all the bridesmaids
are staying upstairs.
Your room is all the way
on the end. The farthest away.
(SIGHS)
(BAG UNZIPS)
(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Excellent rehearsal.
I have notes,
but excellent rehearsal.
She has notes?
She has notes.
Now relax before dinner.
Relax for exactly 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Mother, where's Chris?
And why hasn't Daddy shaved
his ears yet?
I don't know, dear.
And who looks at ears?
Everyone looks at ears!
I think hairy ears
are a sign of intelligence.
You know, I always saw myself
in the military, to be honest.
You know, Special Forces,
jumping out of the planes,
hand-to-hand...
I think I would have been
really freaking good
at hand-to-hand combat.
Where's Chris?
Of course the Best Man
is late. Of course he is!
She's so high-strung.
(CHUCKLES)
Betsy, the man in the cloth.
What is his denomination?
You know, she was up all night
just huffing Adderall.
Please tell me that
he's Catholic.
Girl, because when you are
smashing a Catholic man,
the way that guilt
takes over their body... Ooh!
At least I don't have to live
with her anymore. You know?
I don't want to break
your heart,
but I think he's Protestant.
Oh, gosh!
I can make it work.
Sorry.
Destiny calls, buddy.
I'll be back.
Wait, he's coming over.
Ooh!
You look so beautiful.
We'll be right here.
Hello there.
Hi.
I've met a lot of people.
I've not met you.
Oh!
Reverend's got swag.
Little bit. I'm Tom.
She never changes.
No, she does not.
VIRGINIA: (OVER MEGAPHONE)
Has anybody seen Chris?
(DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER
PLAYING)
VIRGINIA: You've missed
everything, Chris!
We've had the rehearsal.
It's happened.
It's over? Hmm.
Hi.
Oh, look. A bar.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Chris.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
Who?
That's Chris.
Oh. Sam, you're alone.
Well, no, I have
my emotional support boobs.
Oh. Well, I do love cleavage,
and there is
quite a bit there.
We never got your card.
Do you have
any food allergies?
Just a very rare one
to papaya.
Papaya? That's related
to meat tenderizers.
I'm afraid you're not going to
be able to eat anything here.
Of course,
I'm allergic to latex.
Which means I can't ever have
safe sex.
Let's switch you
to water, Mom.
No!
Excuse me.
Have a wonderful time.
Raw dog it up.
You're gonna need something
stronger than that
if you want to get through
this weekend.
Frank!
(LAUGHS) Sam!
(BOTH GROWL AFFECTIONATELY)
Look at all this!
I know!
Is this is what Betsy wanted
for her wedding?
Well, I don't want to spoil
the occasion,
so I'm gonna say yeah.
Hey, hey.
To marriage.
Yours is the only one I've
ever seen work, but, sure.
To marriage.
To marriage.
Okay, thank you so much.
You can stop that.
It was great. That was...
You guys are great. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, everybody,
gather around.
So, I just want
to thank everybody
for being here tonight.
And I just want to say
that you guys
are in for a real treat.
(GUESTS CHEER)
Bridesmaids, can you
get up here, please?
Thank you so much.
You guys are so beautiful.
I love you.
Ryan, my darling...
(RYAN LAUGHS)
Yes, take a seat.
I had a little trouble
figuring out
what to get you as a gift,
because, you know,
you have everything.
Right?
Oh, man!
So, this is part of
your present.
And the other part,
I will give you
when we are
alone together later,
if you know what I mean.
(GIGGLES)
(GUESTS CHEER)
Oh, Bets!
Oh! (LAUGHING)
Okay, go, squad! Whoo!
What are we doing?
This is what...
Do what we worked on
at the bachelorette. (GASPS)
Oh, wait. You left early, so
you didn't learn it with us.
Oh, my God. Sam, I'm so sorry.
I guess you're gonna have
to sit this one out.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, you got it?
LYDIA: Mm-hmm.
RYAN: Yeah!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
You got this, babe!
(WHAT I CAN GIVE YOU PLAYING)
RYAN: (LAUGHING) What is this?
Look at this.
Look at all you guys.
(LAUGHS) Hi!
(SINGING) Won't be living
a life alone
Yes, I know what you want
When you say that
you love me so
All my thoughts wanna
turn you on
RYAN: Oh, no!
Look at you!
Now I can give you
what you like for life
Do you like
what I can give you
(GUESTS EXCLAIM)
Oh, my God!
Now I know that I want you
to put me down
To make your paradise
The robot! Amazing!
Look out! Here she goes!
What I can give you
(GUESTS WHOOP)
What I can give you
RYAN: No!
Oh! Sh...
ZOE: Oh, my God!
LYDIA: Is she okay?
RYAN: It's okay.
BETSY: Should we do something?
RYAN: It's okay.
She falls down all the time!
Virginia?
Okay, come on.
Should've straightened
your leg on the pirouette.
Who said that?
ZOE: That was crazy.
RYAN: You were in your...
(GUESTS MURMURING)
I got hit by something.
I don't know...
BETSY: Oh, God!
VIRGINIA: What?
Oh! Oh!
We need to unhook them slowly.
Trust me.
I don't know.
I think it's gonna hurt.
No.
Yeah, it's...
LYDIA: Yeah, it's gonna hurt.
Let me tell you,
the best thing to do
is to just yank 'em all out.
Okay, you trust me?
Are you sure?
(VIRGINIA SCREAMS)
(GUESTS GASP)
BETSY: Oh, my God.
(VIRGINIA YELPS)
Oh, my God.
It's okay. She's tough.
Is it going to leave a mark?
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's go get some ice.
And maybe a tetanus shot.
Oh, well...
Dance over.
RYAN: What an awful way
to finish it though.
It was bleeding, yeah.
The dance was great.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOSHES)
(ALL GRUNT)
Virginia is a problem. Okay?
She has this constant look
in her eyes,
like she's trying
to hold in a fart.
Totally bitchatronic.
Sounds like she just needs
to unclench.
But Betsy likes her.
When did they become so close?
She's a friend stealer.
She is. I mean, I know,
I shouldn't care.
It's not like I've been in
Betsy's life that much lately,
and it's not like
I can include her in my life.
#SpyLife.
If you tell Betsy,
you have to kill Betsy.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
NADINE: You know the rules.
I'm not even gonna worry
about it. (CHUCKLES)
I am better alone.
I care about where
you're at emotionally.
Not just because I have to
write your psych report
once in a while.
Wait, Nadine. Hey, Nadine.
Did you get that?
Tell me that's not an RPG.
It's not an RPG, Sam.
Can you get a grip?
That's probably just like
a long thing.
Like a...
like a keyboard guitar.
Okay, okay.
Do you think it's possible
you're projecting dangers
where there aren't any
'cause our missions
are your happy place?
Wait,
is this whole conversation
going into
my next psych report?
No.
Are you updating it right now?
No, I'm watching mice videos.
Okay. You're impossible, too!
God!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
Chris Dalio. Best Man.
Oh!
Sam Doolan.
No longer Maid of Honor.
I heard. (CHUCKLES)
You did?
I did.
Ah.
Hey, I saw that...
that cool trick you do
with the bamboo. That was...
Oh, no, I was just seeing
how hard I could blow,
and then it...
Yeah. How'd it go?
Turns out quite hard.
It looked like it.
You never know what
this weekend could bring.
Well, listen, your secret's
safe with me.
I won't tell a soul.
I promise.
As long as you promise
to have a drink with me.
Well, I am due
for another drink.
It's been, like, 10 minutes
since the last one.
Perfect.
So, yes.
CHRIS: So, what is it
that you said you did
for a living again?
I'm not quite...
I'm a cat show entrepreneur.
And what is... what is that?
Uh, well, basically, I design
plinths for the cat shows.
Gotta have a good plinth.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Yeah.
Can I show you a few photos
of my plinths?
I'd love to see them. Yeah.
Yeah. All right.
I could look at some photos.
Here is a cat winning a prize
on one of my plinths.
On there.
This one is a cat taking
a dump whilst winning a prize.
Right?
I see that.
So...
Getting it all done.
SAM: Yeah. Like the coverings,
for example.
Okay.
Can't use microfiber.
Then the cat's tongues...
Obviously.
...become like Velcro.
Didn't know that.
Like this. Like that.
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Mm! Lot of rich women
in cat shows.
We had Madonna open up
a show the other night.
She sang Like A Persian.
And that's it?
You don't have...
You don't have a side hustle
or anything?
No. Why would you say that?
The way you were moving
through the bushes,
you looked like a soldier
or something.
I mean, the way you were...
Over there, I saw a bat.
And then I was like, "Oh!"
And I had to look what species
is it, because I...
You're into bats?
Cats, bats, rats.
All of it? Okay.
Any... Any animals.
I mean, not so much into rats,
I don't know why
I said that, but... (CHUCKLES)
You know. Yeah.
You're funny.
Well, you're hot.
Um...
(LAUGHS)
It's... It's hot.
Yes.
I know what you mean.
Yeah, um...
Uh...
Hmm.
Huh.
I like you.
I like you a lot.
I wish, um...
I wish we could have met at
some other wedding
other than this one.
I wish I could listen to what
you were saying
instead of just staring
at your face.
Totally fine.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
You know.
(LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY)
VIRGINIA: Now...
I mean,
you've been here before,
but it's a little different.
Oh, my God! It's perfect!
LYDIA: Oh, wow!
It's just really crazy.
It's gorgeous.
There's rose petals
in the pool, you guys!
ZOE: You worked your magic.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Lydia.
I tried to get the right
flowers for everybody.
That's you. So...
BETSY: Man, these are, like,
my favorite flowers.
Everything is taken care of.
Can you believe that she got,
like, my favorite flowers?
I think there's something
wrong with my flowers.
My flowers match my nails.
Release.
Release all that tension.
Dave hasn't touched me
like this in six months.
We should do this
more often, girls.
LYDIA: Absolutely.
There you go.
I think my chair
might be broken.
VIRGINIA: You guys good?
LYDIA: Yeah. Oh!
I love this, Betsy.
BETSY: Me, too.
(LYDIA MOANS)
(WINCES) Sorry.
Uh...
So, let's talk about Chris.
What about him?
He's been close to my family
for years.
His father and mine
were business partners,
and when his father went
to jail,
my father, who was not
mixed up in all that,
helped Chris financially.
Chris is a really good friend
of mine.
Okay.
We've been linked
from time to time.
Better Magazine's
taken interest, but...
Yeah, are linked.
So you're saying just
stay away from Chris
because you guys...
I would never get into
your business like that.
No. No, girl.
Okay, great.
'Cause I will not
go near Chris.
Mm. Okay...
Do you need help?
No. I was just saying, um,
I would not make a play
on someone
you've been linked to.
Yeah, exactly.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Actually, I don't even
find him attractive.
Mm-hmm. Carry on.
I would not go... (BABBLES)
like that on his balls.
Ass waxing after this.
Ass what-ing?
Everything glides smoother.
I don't think anyone's gonna
be looking at my arse.
VIRGINIA: That's for sure.
Except for maybe Chris.
ZOE: You should wear it
every day.
It's a lot, but it's great.
I look like Ariana Grande has
joined The Real Housewives.
A hundred percent.
She should, actually.
That should be a show.
(VOCALIZING)
Ooh, ooh!
(ALL GASP)
Oh, my God!
I'm good.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
RYAN: Oh, this is amazing.
CHRIS: What do you think?
Yeah, it's the best.
You got the ring, buddy?
Yeah, I got the ring.
Of course.
(LAUGHS) Of course you do.
CHRIS: Relax. Relax.
RYAN: I can't.
CHRIS: You'll be fine.
Where is she?
VIRGINIA: Patience. You know,
it's her wedding day.
Oh, God, just...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
You guys don't think
that she...
You know.
No, she's...
Right? No, she's good.
She's ready.
LYDIA: She loves him.
VIRGINIA: She's ready.
Excuse me a second.
No, don't, Sam.
No, Sam, I don't...
Oh, God. (GROANS)
Okay.
(EXHALES) Okay.
Can I just clear the area
for a moment? Sorry.
What?
I need a...
I just need one minute.
Sam, what are you doing?
Remember when we were kids,
and, you know,
we made that pact?
"Let's never get married."
You said that. I don't
remember ever saying that.
Betsy...
What?
This whole thing, like,
it's not you. I can tell.
(SCOFFS)
Do you actually think
you want to marry this guy?
Well, it is my wedding, Sam.
See...
I'm your oldest friend,
and you do not look happy
right now.
I love Ryan very, very much.
And I also think
that you really know
how to pick your moments,
don't you?
Well, because you look scared.
Well, it's my wedding, Sam.
I mean,
this is a massive deal.
And I know that maybe
you don't get scared
but... but the rest of us do,
okay?
I'm here to help.
Sam, you haven't been helping.
You haven't even been here.
You haven't been in my life
for a very, very,
very long time.
So, you know what?
Maybe we just don't
understand each other anymore
like the way we used to.
Betsy, I know you...
So maybe you should go.
I want you to go.
Walk away, Sam.
Walk away.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
ZOE: What is she...
LYDIA: Where is she going?
Maybe she has, um, IBS.
Okay. She could hold it.
No, you can't.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
KURT: Unload the equipment.
(WEDDING CHAMBER MUSIC
PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES)
Do these waiters look
a little different to you?
Did they hire new ones?
They're all muscle-y.
Are you complaining?
No, I'm not complaining.
I'm just saying.
Look at that one over there.
He's ripped.
You're a lucky man.
Thank you.
Love you, sweetheart.
Love you, Dad.
Hi.
You look so beautiful.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
CHRIS: Get down!
What the hell was that?
Dave? Dave? Dave! Dave! Dave!
(DAVE SCREAMING)
Girl, if he leaves you
for this,
he'll leave you for anything.
Sorry to interrupt
the happy occasion, folks.
But you're correct, Reverend.
They are gathered here.
(BETSY WHIMPERS)
Don't...
The elite, the great,
and the good.
DAVE: No!
KURT: They are my hostages.
Don't move.
Yes, sir.
So, please, walk inside like
good little boys and girls.
Now.
Is this normal
for an American wedding?
Zoe, are you okay?
Thank you.
I was...
Don't you touch me.
I was going for help.
No.
BETSY: What do we do?
RYAN: Just stay behind me.
Let's go.
MAN: Move.
Okay, okay, okay,
all right, all right.
I don't know what's happening.
I swear...
Oh, my God, baby,
I'm so scared.
I'm sorry.
Hold this.
You look fantastic, babe.
It's all right, it's okay.
You two, door to your left.
Sebastian!
You, living room.
Move!
Oh, God!
It's all right.
It's all right.
You all right?
I got you, babe.
I got you.
And I got you, Zoe.
Really, Dave? Really?
Because I don't feel
very got right now. Okay?
Yeah, I'm gonna give you
some space.
Give me some space.
Yep.
Are you real, or are you
one of them too?
No, I'm real. Look. See?
(GUN FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
Do you see Dave right now?
Yeah.
He abandoned us.
Every time.
Uh, speaking of abandonment,
where is Sam?
Where she always is.
Not around.
Oh, come on, Bet,
she's better than that.
Like that time
when you were little.
Those kids bullied you
in the park.
She kicked their ass
in a ditch.
(MERCENARIES SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
Guys, honestly,
all this negative energy,
it's really starting to impact
my baby's development.
Yeah.
ZOE: So, I'm thinking,
Lydia, you know what?
Maybe you can sing to her
like you used to.
LYDIA: That song?
Used to calm me down.
Wow. Okay.
ZOE: Yeah.
(RAPPING) All you ladies
Pop your uh-uh like this
Move your body
Don't you stop, don't quit
All you ladies, pop
your uh-uh like this
Move your body
Don't you stop, don't quit
Lick it nice, lick it
good
Like that uh-uh
just like you should
My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
It's working.
It's really working.
ALL: My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
-LYDIA: Everybody
-My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
Hey!
Time is valuable.
Don't waste mine, and I'll
try not to waste yours.
You elite care only
about money,
which is great news,
because I'm the same.
So we should understand
each other.
If everybody does exactly
as told,
you'll all still be alive
by the end of the day.
But if anyone gets cocky,
well, there's plenty of you
to spare.
We've blocked all cell signal
and Wi-Fi.
Wordle should still
be working, though.
Look, my daughter
isn't part of this.
Take me, let her go.
Oh, Dad, it's okay.
Frank O'Connell, Third
Regiment, combat veteran.
Desert Storm.
You're adorable, Frank,
but Betsy's a much more
valuable hostage than you.
What?
Yes. We've researched everyone
in this room most thoroughly.
The Caudwell family.
Come with me.
BETSY: No.
And you, you're almost
one of them.
It's gonna be okay.
No, wait, wait.
If you're taking my husband,
then I'm going with you.
RYAN: Stay here. I love you.
No, I love you.
He has to come.
I love you.
VIRGINIA: Can you stop
talking? You just gotta go.
It's okay.
They're valuable right now.
I don't want any of them
getting hit by a stray bullet.
It's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Come here.
Let's go.
Ryan.
Okay. All right.
Let's go,
you bunch of rich brats.
MAN 1: Go, go, go.
Right over here.
MAN 2: Come on. Go.
Right there is good.
MAN 2: Let's get it.
(BEEPS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome back.
Please verify all users.
It can't be cracked.
How do they know all this?
Why do you think I waited
until you were all here
for your happy day?
I know everything,
Mrs. Caudwell.
Your ring, sir.
Easy.
No!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ocular scan complete.
Mark Caudwell verified.
Insert key number one.
Now the passcode.
Wedding date.
The county clerk's
office records say
March 11th, 1977.
Stop.
Don't enter that date
just yet.
Could be the panic code.
They had a ceremony
in their backyard
two days before the wedding,
more romantic.
Apparently, my father was
the Best Man.
March 9th, 1977.
What are you doing, man?
(KEYPAD BEEPING)
Code accepted.
Nice.
Thirty minutes to next key.
I'll be looking after
your rings
until they're needed. Ladies.
DIANE: I don't like this.
(WHIMPERING)
No, I don't have it.
My grandfather's wedding ring,
supposed to be
my wedding ring.
My Best Man's got it.
Until I get what's mine,
ring stays with me.
You son of a bitch, Chris.
You're supposed to be
my best friend,
you do this to me
on my wedding day?
Calm... down.
(SCOFFING)
Jeez! Caudwell family.
Y'all are very tight,
aren't you?
Well, I don't have a family.
(SCOFFS)
Not outside of prison visits,
that is.
You took that away from me
when you testified against
my father.
Because he stole
from people, Chris.
Bullshit.
DIANE: Pensions, Chris.
He made people poor
in their old age,
and we never got to
the bottom of it.
And some people thought
he did worse stuff!
Warlords, terrorism,
trafficking elephants.
And our papa's paid your way
ever since!
Oh, that's right. Oh, shit.
That's right. You know what?
That makes everything okay.
You're right. You're right.
All those years that I spent
just smiling at you fools
for fear that you would
cut me off, I'm sick of it.
I'm gonna kill you, man.
No way.
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL SCREAM)
RYAN: Oh!
Give me that!
BOTH: Oh!
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
LYDIA: Whoa.
Oh, my God, Ryan.
Damn it. Okay, okay.
Just get it.
(GROANING)
Are you hit anywhere else?
No. I'm all right.
MARK: Pressure,
pressure, pressure.
Christopher.
Yeah?
We need them alive
for the ocular scans.
Corpse's eyes never work.
Believe me, I've tried it.
I'd like to apologize
on behalf of my organization.
This man is
an independent contractor.
He is not a member
of my highly trained staff.
He's not?
KURT: No.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank God.
Oh, they're good.
(DOOR OPENS)
MAN: Hey!
Whoa.
You are not supposed to be
in here.
Oh, no. My hair looks
such a mess.
Betsy will not like this.
I just...
Ma'am.
I just will fix my hair!
(SCREAMING)
What was that?
Warning shot
from one of your dudes?
KURT: Perhaps.
Find out who fired and why.
I'm on it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, no,
your masturbating hand.
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS, GRUNTS)
(THUDS)
(GRUNTS, CHOKES)
Thirty-minute delay
between each lock.
We should be finished here
in an hour and a half.
Take them all back.
It'll be good for the others
to see the blood.
Son of a bitch.
RYAN: Whoa. (GROANS)
DIANE: Be careful.
VIRGINIA: I'll pick you up.
MAN: (ON RADIO) Team Leader
One, search basement.
(BEEPING)
Wait.
We're turning, we're turning.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Don't be alarmed!
Ryan!
Pull that chair.
Ryan, sit down. Wait. Okay.
I'm okay, it's all right.
(GRUNTS)
Easy, easy.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
No! Oh, God, we need a doctor!
I know of three that are
in the other room.
BETSY: Wait!
Not a rich person doctor that
does boob jobs and butt lifts.
Like, a real doctor.
FRANK: All right, look,
I had medic training
in the army. Let me just...
Okay.
ZOE: Good.
Okay, just stay put.
Just breathe.
Yeah.
BETSY: Are you getting air?
VIRGINIA: I think this is
what I'm supposed to...
(GROANS)
Okay.
Be careful, Dad.
We need something
to tie this off with.
BETSY: A tie?
I got it.
LYDIA: Oh, no! Zoe!
Not exposing my sexy,
sculpted legs
in front of the Reverand.
(GROANING)
BETSY: Easy. Easy!
It's okay, babe, it's okay.
(PANTING)
Just breathe, Ryan. Breathe.
It was Chris.
What?
It was Chris. Chris planned
the whole thing.
"Chris" Chris?
As in, the Best Man?
(RYAN GROANING)
Chris! My Best Man, Chris.
(GROANS) Oh, God!
Whoa! That's not cool.
(RYAN GROANING)
MAN: Holy shit, man.
He's dead.
I would think so.
There's a spike sticking out
of his chest.
MAN: (OVER RADIO)
Hey, boss, we got a problem.
Somebody took out one of ours.
Whoever it is, find him.
And bring me his heart.
What?
I always wanted to say that.
What an idiot.
I don't like that guy.
I have an idea.
I want you to track down
our mystery assailant.
Show 'em
how it's done, cowboy.
Yeah?
You got this.
What an idiot.
Mrs. Caudwell.
It's your turn, ma'am.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Son of a bitch. It is an RPG.
Jeez! I bloody told her!
(SNORING)
(KNOCKS)
Hi. Hi. The boss sent me to
give you something to drink,
because he thought
you might be thirsty.
So, yeah, do you want
to just come get it?
(SAM YELLS)
(GROANING)
They're gonna find you.
They'll find me ready!
Okay. What have we got?
Oh, thank God
everyone's alive.
That much is right.
They could have
sacrificed Virginia.
So, this is what
this is all about.
And it opens with rings.
Classy.
Chris?
What are you doing?
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
You're one of them.
You just got a lot less hot.
That's our missing hostage.
Something tells me
she's not just a cat lady.
Son of a bitch. Hmm?
Oh! Chris! Ah, thank God!
I... I heard shooting
and I just ran.
What's going on?
(SIGHS) Some asshole
and his mercenaries.
Don't worry about
a thing, okay?
You stick with me.
I can handle 'em.
But there's just, like,
one of you,
and how many of them?
Twenty seven to be exact.
It's not a big deal.
I've done it before.
Twenty seven is nothing.
They're inside,
they're outside.
They're everywhere.
Oh! That's a gun.
Oh, no!
No, it's okay. It's mine.
This is mine. I got it all
sighted out and everything.
I've had this thing for years.
I'm a trained professional.
It's not... No big deal.
No, I can protect you.
Okay? Don't make a sound.
I'm sticking with you.
Yeah.
Oh. I love your odor
right now.
Smells like (SNIFFS) gunpowder
and bravery.
Yeah, that's right.
Just stay here and be silent,
okay? No need to be scared.
I'm gonna go check
around the corner.
Okay. Thank God you're here.
Yeah.
Thank God you're here.
Shh.
(WHISPERING) Sorry, I just...
I found the rogue guest.
I'll bring her back
to the rest of the hostages.
Twenty seven,
that's good intel.
Well, 27 plus you.
And you only count as a half.
What are you doing, Chris?
You're the one causing all
the problems. Are you serious?
But you, you're a...
You're a bridesmaid.
Give it to me.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Here you go. Fine.
Mm. Big man with an empty gun.
What are you gonna
use this for? A Slurpee straw?
Oh, Kurt. I see.
What an asshole.
Twenty seven
and the leader's called Kurt.
You're giving it up
like a whore
on the side of the highway.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
North hallway.
(YELPS)
All right, Scary Poppins.
Oh.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Uh...
(GRUNTS, YELPS)
(GRUNTING)
(YELPING)
(PANTS) I gotta be honest
with you. This is pretty hot.
(GROANS)
Hold it right there!
We have eyes on the target.
Drop it, lady!
We will shoot!
Don't shoot!
(SAM YELLS)
(GUNS FIRING)
The bridesmaid?
The blonde one?
Yeah, she's dead.
She really was something,
though.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(GROANING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SIGHS) Piece of cake.
You've hidden it well.
But I know who's been
playing truant.
Samantha Doolan, bridesmaid,
cat show logistician.
But she won't be
a problem anymore.
Sam.
Oh...
What...
Now, if anyone else tries
anything clever,
many more of you will
no longer be a problem.
(DISTANT YELLING)
KURT: That means behave...
or I'll shoot hostages.
I've put people in the ground
for the Sinaloa cartel.
Oh, shit.
Don't think I won't slay
a few Savannah riffraff.
(CHIP CRUNCHES)
Thank you.
Okay.
Mm. Mm.
Oh, my God.
(SOFTLY) Guys, guys, guys.
I just saw Sam.
She was out the window,
and she was fighting
some of the bad guys,
and she was winning.
LYDIA: Wow.
BETSY: What?
So what, she's like
a ghost now?
She's a ghost?
Huh?
LYDIA: So, what, Sam talked
to you? What'd she say?
"Ooh, it's me. Sam.
"I've come back as a spirit
"to apologize to you for being
an asshole in Paris."
ZOE: All right.
She's something.
Okay, let's...
Are you kidding me?
I swear. I know
it sounds crazy,
but I think Sam is
the only help that's coming.
She better be coming,
because they're gonna kill us.
But why would you say that?
The man just said that...
He said which cartels
he worked for.
He doesn't care
that we know that,
which means
he's gonna kill us.
(GASPING SOFTLY)
Did you hear that?
Right.
Sam was running
to the kitchen.
And if she's in there,
I've got to make contact.
We have to come up
with some kind of plan.
That is one of the worst ideas
I've heard in all of my years.
And I have more years
than most people think,
because my skin is so good.
It's happening.
(HESITATES)
Betsy. Betsy.
Here comes the bride.
Okay, look, it's been
nearly two hours.
Ryan has lost a lot of blood
and everybody
is scared and hungry,
and I think that they're
going to lose their shit.
And?
(SIGHS)
Excuse me.
Okay, in the kitchen, there is
a five course gourmet meal
prepped and ready to go.
And there's also
a lot of wine.
Is she hitting on him?
I don't know. I mean,
whatever it takes,
right, to save
everybody's lives?
No, not whatever it takes.
What?
Fine.
One of my men
will accompany you.
Oh, come on.
Everybody that I know and love
is being held hostage by you.
What can I even try to do?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Two of my men
will accompany you.
MAN: Let's go.
Fine.
Meghan Markle? You're next.
Yeah, that's you.
You're Meghan.
It's okay.
You got this, Ginny.
Girl, I just want to
admit something to you because
I know you always see me as
a very positive
and uplifting person.
However, in this situation,
I got to be real with you.
I'm not feeling it.
I'm not feeling it.
It's very much so
giving Pompeii vibes.
You know what I'm saying?
Pompeii?
Everybody's like...
(MIMICS SCREAMING)
And the sad part is,
it feels like
no matter how hot we are,
we could still
die in this bitch.
Lydia.
(LOUDLY) There's enough food
in here to feed an army.
Right? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Help me with these appetizers,
would you?
MAN 1: Hit the lights.
(SCREAMS)
MAN 1: Let's go!
MAN 2: Sam is alive!
(IT'S RAINING MEN PLAYING)
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS, YELLS)
(SAM GRUNTING)
Oh, God!
Come on, Bets.
(BETSY YELPING)
(GASPS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPS) Whoa...
BETSY: Okay. Okay,
so I wasn't imagining it.
But what the hell, Sam?
How can you do all that?
He's called his mates.
We have to go.
Oh, okay. Well, you and I,
we have a lot to unpack here.
I mean, you just blew up
a kitchen
without even blinking an eye.
Do you blow things up
all the time?
I guess that's my reputation.
Wha...
(GASPS)
(HISSING)
(GASPS)
(SAM GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS, GASPS)
Who are you?
Come on.
A screwdriver? I mean, that's
nasty. Who thinks of that?
MAN: Stop!
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Hey. Is Sam even
your real name?
It's short for Samantha.
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
Do you even feel pain?
I'm human, aren't I?
I don't know. Are you?
Oh, God.
It's almost time
for the next lock.
Bring me the lame one.
MAN: Yes, sir.
Are you sure
he said Sinaloa cartel?
BETSY: Yes, I'm certain.
And my dad says that
they don't leave witnesses.
They don't.
Come here, let me clean
those really crappy stitches.
Okay. The group that funds
that cartel
is called Europa Dawn.
And they do things
that I don't even want to say
because it will make you
crap your wedding dress.
Thanks. I really don't want
to do that.
I paid a lot of money
for this.
Well, yeah, and you look
really hot in it.
Oh, thanks.
Meanwhile, I look like
a dancing girl emoji.
What? I love that emoji.
I use it all the time.
This can't just be
about the gold.
Yes.
Do you remember Chris?
The Best Man?
The slimy, dripping dog turd?
Yes, him.
He seems to think that there
might be something in there
that could help prove
that his dad is innocent.
Oh.
If there's a record
in that vault
that shows Europa Dawn's
activities,
then they're gonna stop
at nothing to get it.
What?
Oh, God,
I bet it's almost time
for them to open
the last lock.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ocular scan complete.
Ryan's ring, if you please.
Insert key four
for full vault access.
Shit! No way.
What?
They're not gonna
open anything without this.
That's right.
Never underestimate a blonde,
or your last words will be...
(MIMICS CHOKING)
She must have taken it from me
in the hallway.
That crafty blonde minx.
You lost the ring?
You lost the ring
to the cat lady?
This is your fault.
You should have taken it
from me in the first place.
Truth hurts, man.
It's your fault... (YELPS)
One more word from you,
and I'll gut you
like a flapping mackerel.
You better hope
that bridesmaid has my ring.
(EXHALES)
Miss Doolan.
(OVER RADIO) Sam Doolan.
I'm guessing
you've acquired a radio.
You are
a very impressive lady.
Ideally, I'd interview you
for a job,
but, uh, it's a busy day.
And I don't have time to
ask you where you see yourself
in the next five years,
so I'm just gonna kill you.
(GASPS) Do not respond.
Kiss my freshly waxed arse.
It hurt a little bit
around my ring piece,
but I actually love
the way it feels.
Betsy, I need you to stay here
in this safe space.
This is a solo mission.
Okay?
No, Sam, stop!
Betsy.
I work better alone.
No, not all the time.
I do!
No! I am your team.
My friends are your team.
You're part of the squad.
You just...
you don't know it yet.
And I'll be damned if I'm
gonna sit here in some spa,
while everybody I know and
love out there is in danger.
You and I, we're gonna
save everybody together.
And then
I'm gonna go out there
and I'm gonna marry
Ryan's ass.
I'm gonna marry his ass
so hard!
His ass is gonna be my ass!
Ryan! Yeah!
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, that feels good.
Okay. Right.
Yeah.
Okay. We need to plan then.
Go to the hostages.
Okay.
I'm gonna do something to draw
all the guards away.
Okay.
It's gonna buy you
a bit of time.
When I'm doing that,
you take all of the guests
and you move them
as far away as possible.
Yes.
And then, do you know
who to give this to?
Uh... Who do I give it to?
Your father.
Yeah, my dad!
He's a bad arse. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
Wait!
How are you going to distract
the guards?
Make trouble.
It's what I do best.
There she is.
Let's crush this.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
I saw Sam.
She was in the kitchen,
and one of your men
started shooting,
and the next thing,
everything exploded.
I have trouble believing you
didn't know her capabilities.
No, she's not who
I thought she was.
She's lethal.
She is a machine.
She said...
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"I am vengeance."
(WINCES)
You, join the search,
find Sam Doolan.
Yes, sir.
And you guys, take these two
back to their loving family.
Okay.
(RYAN GROANS)
BETSY: Honey. Oh, God!
RYAN: Oh, God!
I love you. I love you.
Come on.
You're so beautiful.
You're so amazing.
I thought you were dead.
BETSY: Are you okay?
(SIGHS)
BETSY: Okay.
ZOE: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Let me go!
Be gentle with him.
He's limping.
Back off.
Are you just insane?
Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Mm!
VIRGINIA: God!
Guys, guys, guys. Shh.
Okay, it's all true.
Sam, she's a total badass
secret agent.
No way.
She's alive?
Why am I not surprised?
Yes.
She can literally
pick up anything
and use it as a weapon.
That's so cool.
Yeah. Yes.
Then she can save us.
I hope so.
Yes, she can.
But she needs our help.
Okay. All right, all right,
all right.
So what's the plan?
Well, when Sam
gives the signal,
that's when we'll know.
What is the signal?
What's the signal?
No?
She's never
really been subtle, so...
Okay, if Sam is going to be...
is fighting them, then we need
a way out that is not
through a hail of bullets.
Yes. Yes.
Right. Okay.
But...
What do we do?
We might just have...
We might just have...
...a network
of secret passages.
RYAN: ...a network
of secret passages.
And we...
And we...
What the fuck are they doing?
Always used it
for Grandpapa's...
For Grandpapa's...
...railroad...
For his old railroad.
See, sometimes white people
with money...
Drugs.
...they do weird shit.
...before the bridge
washed away!
...bridge washed away!
Yeah!
Yes!
You trapped me down there.
I did.
When we were kids.
Multiple times.
I was down there.
VIRGINIA: He was so annoying.
Yeah, I was scared.
Okay, we need a distraction.
Yeah.
So what are our skills?
Oh, so, look, I'm really good
at faking labor.
BETSY: Okay.
I've done it, like, twice
just to bring Dave.
He shit his pants
the first time.
(LAUGHS) Nice.
Yeah. I don't know what else
I can offer you guys,
besides the fact that
I'm a solid 9.5.
So do with that what you will.
Agreed.
I think you're 10.
But, you know,
I appreciate your modesty.
That's why you're my bestie.
MAN 1: Men,
watch on your left.
MAN 2: Eyes open.
Keep moving.
(THUDS)
(CRACKLING)
(SCREAMING)
She hit the power main.
You take the north side,
we'll take the south side.
North side, let's go.
Everybody, spread out.
Right, okay, so...
Yes, pliers.
What do we have here?
Oh. Trigger switch.
Hey. Right there.
Huh?
Wait!
LYDIA: What could that be?
BETSY: That's got to be Sam.
Okay, here we go.
It's time we start killing
some people.
Beginning with
Betsy O'Connell!
Kill her and you'll never
get this!
Get her! She's got the ring!
MAN: Let's go!
KURT: Go! Go! Go! Go!
LYDIA: (CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me, sir.
I'm just gonna come out
with this.
The moment you walked through
that door,
oh, I know you felt it.
The connection
between me and you?
Something serious.
(GROANING)
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't look over there.
Keep your eyes right here.
DAVE: Baby's coming!
BETSY: Baby!
Baby's coming!
DAVE: Okay!
This wasn't something
that I wanted for me,
but we are here,
and it is what it is.
So what we gonna do about it?
RYAN: It's the baby!
(GRUNTS)
Move away from him!
Get up now or I'll shoot.
ZOE: Do you see Dave right
now? He abandoned us.
(DISTORTED SCREAMING)
Drop it, son.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
I can never like you.
What's up now, bro?
Eh, don't play with us.
Better.
Yeah?
Better.
We can stay married?
Better.
Better. Okay, cool.
(GRUNTING)
Ooh! A flask.
Don't mind if I do.
Now, we're having a wedding.
Here we go.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
We're getting out of here.
Follow me. Let's go. Go!
Let's go, come on!
VIRGINIA: Okay, here.
Just a little forward.
(YELLS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Hold up.
She's using the
chocolate fountain as cover.
Move out.
She's using the
chocolate fountain as cover.
Move out.
(WINCES)
Okay. Now, I stick it to you.
(YELLS)
Get her zip-tied, Jimmy.
Finally, back to business.
Let's move.
We're almost to the far side
of the island.
It's about a half a mile.
Half a mile.
Who are you, really?
CIA?
Interpol?
With the MI6?
I mean, what are you and where
the hell did you come from?
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Key four accepted.
Countdown initiated.
'Cause the strange thing is,
they always come
with overwhelming force.
But, you, that's not
your style, is it, Sam?
No. I think you like
doing it all yourself.
You get off on it, don't you?
Well, that road's coming
to an end now, sweetie.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Vault is now opening.
I bet you're sitting here
and thinking, "Man,
"all that time,
and I'm about to die.
"Sure did wish I sinned more."
Girl, how are you
so damn sexy,
and know me so damn well?
(LAUGHS)
You're in a lot of pain, son.
But I admire the way
you handle it.
Thanks, Frank.
Hey, Betsy, your dad just said
he admires me.
Don't push it.
BETSY: Great, babe!
Hey, you said it.
No backsies.
(WHIRRING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
All right, we made it.
Watch your step!
(PANTING)
Everybody, head to the beach.
It's that way. It's a beach.
So, where... where
there's no more land.
Wait, something's wrong.
I just feel it.
No, I am sure that Sam
is back there
kicking their asses.
No. Do you remember how
I just knew
she was here
helping us somehow?
No. That was your dad.
BETSY: And me.
No, it's fine.
No, no, no, I felt it
really deep down.
LYDIA: No, honey.
I did. No, I did.
I really felt it.
Okay.
Really deep.
And I feel right now
that she needs our help.
(PANTING)
I'm gonna go back in.
RYAN: What?
You need me.
I know all of the passages.
Okay. Me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
Me, too.
No, you're way too pregnant.
And you're too bloody,
and you're too drunk.
Shut your mouth.
Have you noticed that I get
stronger and better
when I'm drunk? Let's go.
She does.
BETSY: That is kind of true.
Okay. I'm not gonna win, am I?
Wait. What?
No.
Let's do it.
Okay, let's go. Let's all go!
Yes!
Take care.
Yeah.
BETSY: Hold on, Dad.
That way.
Just please be careful.
I love you.
You've probably guessed that
none of this wealth is for me.
Really?
Maybe you should take a bar
and buy yourself
another gold chain.
(LAUGHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's for your little gang.
Europa Dawn?
That actually sounds more like
a cruise ship
where grandpas get STDs.
(CHUCKLES)
Today's takings
will buy politicians
in a dozen countries.
And yes, they will pardon
Europa Dawn.
Oh, thank God. Yay.
KURT: But don't think
I'm greedy, Sam.
I just want to free
my captured friends.
I mean, you of anyone should
understand that, surely.
Yeah. I just don't think
you understand
the stress headache
a high ponytail gives you.
As for the politicians
that can't be bought,
something on this is sure
to give me a little leverage.
Yeah, that, that right there,
that's the only reason I came.
That hard drive has
all my dad's dealings on it
to prove his innocence.
Christopher, your usefulness
is over.
If you ever had any.
I only brought you here
to watch me win.
And we've done that now.
No.
(GROANS, COUGHS)
How does that feel, huh?
Come on, you want Daddy's
hard drive, Christopher?
Christopher?
(GROANS)
HUh?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTS)
Damn it.
SAM: Come on!
Jesus!
KURT: Let's bring you
up to speed, shall we?
You're trapped in
a whisky still
where you will die.
I've planted trackers
on a few guests.
They're all headed
to the shoreline now.
We'll swing by
and casually gun down
every last one of them.
No witnesses.
Oh, he's pissed.
KURT: Company policy.
I want you to get down there
and kill them both.
Yes, sir.
Okay. Kurt's gonna blow up
this whole house.
No. No, no, no.
He just said...
No, no.
He's gonna have a hard time
doing that without this. Huh?
(WHIRRING)
Okay, Chris, you need to
cut me loose.
Uh...
I don't like it either, but
we're both allies right now.
Yeah. Okay. Uh, all right.
Almost.
Just jiggle it.
You gotta promise
not to hit me.
I will not hit you.
Promise?
Yeah.
Okay. There we go.
All right, got you.
There you go.
You all right?
Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, that's what I meant.
BETSY: Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
Sam?
Sam!
Oh, my God.
SAM: It's getting so hot.
She's got to be somewhere
in this house.
But why does your house
have to be so big?
It's not our fault we're rich.
We were born that way.
Okay, wait a minute.
Let me just try something.
Come on, come on.
(BANGING)
Sam?
Wait.
(MUFFLED BANGING)
What is that?
The pipes.
(MUFFLED BANGING CONTINUES)
C...
A...
T!
That's not the pressure.
That's Morse code!
It's Sam!
The whiskey stills
are connected
to the water supply
for when we clean them.
Let's go!
Okay!
(BOTH SHRIEK EXCITEDLY)
(BANGING)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
Sam? Oh, God!
Which one is it?
Let's go!
Okay. No.
CHRIS: Help!
Sam!
She's in here!
I found her! Okay!
BETSY: Oh, my God,
get her out!
Oh, my God, it's filling up.
Emergency stop!
That says system error.
Yeah, that's what
it should say.
Be careful.
Is there stuff in there?
Watch out!
BETSY: God!
(CHRIS COUGHING)
BETSY: Oh, my God, Sam!
Oh, God, are you hurt?
I think the alcohol
sterilized everything.
BETSY: Oh, God!
You!
Whoa!
Hey, he already comes
pre-punched.
(CHRIS GROANING)
Okay.
Okay.
We gotta go find Kurt.
Okay.
BETSY: Yeah. I can't believe
the Morse Code worked!
SAM: Let's go! This way!
(CHRIS PANTING)
Virginia, this stuff is
so delicious.
Bitch.
(VIRGINIA GASPS)
(DISTANT WHIRRING)
The air boats are still there.
BETSY: Yeah.
With all our gold?
What is it with rich people
and gold?
I was thinking,
I'll catch the terrorists.
Yeah, sure, that too!
BETSY: Let's go.
No, but you stay here.
Seriously. Don't follow me.
What?
(SCOFFS)
I'm not staying here.
Me, neither.
Okay. I was gonna stay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I said stay there!
I know.
I'm doing the exact opposite.
Help me maneuver this cannon.
Okay.
All right.
Where?
Two o'clock.
(BOTH YELLING)
BETSY: Wait. Okay.
SAM: Okay. Good. Good, good.
BETSY: Got it?
SAM: Grab me a charger.
I think I got it!
Lydia, I'm gonna need
your tugging skills.
Favorite thing to do.
Cannon charger.
Zoe, cannonball!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
Okay.
I'm gonna ram it in.
LYDIA: Yeah.
You got this, ram it!
Ram it hard!
Till it's hard!
Ready? Go!
Two, three!
Go, go, go!
(SCREAMS)
MAN 1: Let's go!
MAN 2: Get out of here!
MAN 3: Go, go, go!
We need one more.
We need one more!
Everybody!
Okay.
Come on!
What the hell are we doing?
We need something bigger.
LYDIA: That's what she said.
(ALL STRAINING)
SAM: Turn it around,
turn it around!
All right, yep, that's good.
That's good.
Okay.
KURT: Fire at them!
MAN: Okay!
Three, two, one.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, my God.
(CANNONBALL WHISTLING)
(CHEERING)
Take that!
Okay, I'm going in.
Wait! Sam!
Oh, my God.
Betsy!
BETSY: Yo!
Buy me a drink first.
Sorry. I didn't know I was
gonna come in that hard.
Oh, no, I'm good.
Yeah.
I'm really good.
Someone has to watch
the estate.
You want me to help
you walk up the steps?
Let's sit down.
Again?
I don't know.
I leapt before I looked.
I said don't follow me!
But I love you, and I'll
follow you anywhere, man!
We're turning up!
We're getting out!
BETSY: Okay!
Here it comes!
(BETSY SCREAMS, WHOOPS)
Right. How does
this thing work?
What? I thought secret agents
knew how to drive everything.
Not female secret agents.
What?
I'm just kidding.
Oh.
Here we go!
(SHRIEKS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
It's him!
Which him?
The handsome narcissist.
Chris!
Uh...
Throw something at him.
Okay. What do I throw?
Oh, God. Can I throw this?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, throw it!
Help.
Throw it! Throw it!
Now what?
Throw!
(YELPS)
We hate you
and you're perfect face!
I'm gonna line up
these machine guns.
What machine guns?
SAM: These machine guns.
(GUN FIRING)
BETSY: Oh, my God!
Go, girl!
That will teach you to mess
with my best friend's wedding!
BETSY: Can I do it?
Can I press the button?
Well, it's not like everyone
gets a turn at a machine gun.
Please! Please! Just once!
All right, go, go, go!
(YELLING)
It feels so good
to be a badass!
Whoo!
No, he's going through
my wedding-themed tents!
(GASPS) Not the flowers!
No!
No!
Oh!
SAM: Okay, we're gonna jump!
What?
We got this, Bets. All right?
You make it sound so easy.
SAM: One...
Two... Get off!
BETSY: Oh, my God!
Just stop, you annoying woman!
(SCREAMS)
(YELPS)
(GROANS)
Nobody does that to my friend.
That's for screwing Betsy
and Ryan's wedding!
(LAUGHS)
(YELLING)
Kick it!
CHRIS: Whoa! Shit!
(YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
Hey!
The hard drive, hand it over.
Okay, okay.
Come on.
Betsy.
Yeah?
Hold me.
What? Wait. Is this why
you never married?
SAM: Right on time!
(BETSY YELPS)
Oh, my God.
(GROANS)
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING
OVER MEGAPHONE)
Wow! Is that Virginia?
That's so Virginia.
Mm-hmm.
It's over the top.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
I think you just saved
my life.
I think we both saved
both of our lives.
I can't believe that
you're still wearing that.
Of course.
(CHRIS YELPS)
(GASPS)
(MUSIC DISTORTING)
Virginia's not gonna
like that.
Done like a dinner.
But at least my wedding
is lit.
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
Ryan.
Oh, God, where's Ryan?
They're over there.
Where? Ryan!
RYAN: Betsy!
What happened to Chris?
His attractive Teflon face
just went down with a boat.
I have a mixture of emotions,
but my biggest one is "yay."
Yeah.
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
Ew. What is that smell?
Oh. These are my spanks.
But it's okay.
Okay.
Yeah, that's fine. It's...
Okay.
Just don't put it
in my mouth, okay?
Okay, sorry.
They're here! See?
Yeah! That's great!
SAM: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How's it going, guys?
Did you have a good flight?
It could've been, like,
45 minutes earlier,
but this is, yeah,
great timing.
All right, boys and girls,
attention.
We are the Five Eyes Agency.
The situation is now
under our control.
It's fine, it's fine.
I mean,
these girls have got it on.
You know, this is
my first wedding.
Really?
Yeah.
I've been to a bunch
of weddings.
Really? How so?
I'm a wedding singer
when I'm not doing this.
Yeah?
It's really good.
How come, out of everyone,
you two survived?
Yeah, Edgar, it looks like...
she handled it all by herself.
You guys got it all
figured out.
I love you.
Come right back, okay?
SAM: See ya, tote scrotes.
NADINE: Yeah, take a good
look. Keep walking.
VIRGINIA:
Well, this is all lovely.
What do you say we round up
those guests,
pop back into the tunnel
and get on with the wedding?
Shall we?
Actually, can we just
do it here?
I mean,
Ryan can't really walk.
And I really wanted a simple
wedding to begin with anyway.
I think I just should have
said it a little louder.
Very well. I'll... I'll start
planning immediately.
Ryan loves trains.
Virginia, Thank you so much,
but I got it from here.
Aw. It's like
a Hallmark Christmas movie.
And now, by the powers vested
in me,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(ALL CHEER)
(GUNSHOTS)
(GASPING)
BETSY: Oh, God.
EDGAR: Jesus Christ!
Not again!
RYAN: What is he...
I thought he was dead.
He looks bad.
(PANTING)
Give me the hard drive.
Give me the hard drive.
Chris.
CHRIS: Come on.
Our analysts have checked
the files already.
It's true. Your dad worked
for terrorists and warlords.
No.
Come on, man,
you must know deep down.
(SIGHING)
I'm sorry.
Yeah, this absolutely sucks.
Okay, take him away.
BETSY: Get him out of here.
(ALL CHEERING)
You got this!
All right!
All right, okay, the wedding.
Okay! Okay!
Let's try that kiss again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
GUEST: Yeah!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
I love you.
I love you.
Oh, my God!
Okay, ladies.
Come on, before anybody else
comes and interrupts.
Amazing.
BETSY: Okay? Okay!
Want me to catch it?
Okay. Watch me.
You're already married.
Aren't we?
Okay, ladies, Come on.
Come on, squad, let's do this.
Are you ready?
Yeah!
Okay!
One, two, three!
(RAPID BEEPING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP)
RYAN: Oh, my God!
Oh!
Well, I always wanted
to redecorate.
That was a huge explosion.
BETSY: What just happened?
I don't know, it just...
It connected with this,
and I just...
You just did that
with the thing?
Oh. It's okay.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'm sorry.
To the baddest bridesmaids
ever!
Hear, hear. All right, Frank.
Thank you, Dad.
Love you.
I love you!
Okay. And now it's time for
a speech
from the Maid of Honor.
(GUESTS WHOOP)
Which was me.
But I think
all of us here can agree that,
today, the real Maid of Honor
is Sam.
ZOE: Sam!
GUEST 1: Speech!
GUEST 2: Speech.
Make it a long one.
(GUESTS WHOOPING)
Okay. Hi, I'm Sam.
Hi, Sam!
Hi, Sam!
I've been to some weddings,
five of my own mother's.
But, this would have to be
the best one.
And I will tell you why.
Because from
what I've seen today,
Betsy and Ryan,
you are the real thing.
And I know you're going to be
an amazing wife,
because you give everyone
in your orbit
the most amazing love.
And I'm so happy that, now,
you're gonna radiate it
all over Ryan.
(LAUGHS) All over him.
SAM: To Betsy and Ryan!
(GUEST CHEER)
And, Betsy...
Yeah?
You're my oldest,
dearest friend.
You've always had my back.
I was such a loser for not
always remembering that.
So I just want to say
that I love you.
I love you so much.
I missed you.
I really missed you.
SAM: Okay. All right. I feel
so much better now,
like a weight has been lifted
off my ample chest.
(GUESTS LAUGH)
BETSY: Yes, girl.
But one more thing.
If anybody ever mentions
that I'm a secret agent,
we will rendition you to one
of our many unnamed bases.
NADINE: Yeah.
Okay?
It's true.
I don't want
to get renditioned.
It's all right.
We'll just say nothing.
That said, let's dance!
(ALL WHOOPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
RYAN: Yeah! Yeah, we did it!
Yeah!
(BUTTERFLY PLAYING)
Ready? Are you guys ready?
(YELLS PLAYFULLY)
(MIMICKING GUNSHOTS)
Okay, go.
DIRECTOR: And, action!
She's not who
I thought she was.
(BLEEP) me. Sorry.
Sorry. What is the next line?
Ripping should be, anyway.
So, great.
We'll get this boy wrapped.
-My neck, my back
-My back
My uh-uh and my crack
(VOCALIZING)
(LAUGHING)
That one looks like
a bald Austin Mahone.
LYDIA: Mm. Mm-mm.
He could touchdown
in my court.
Girl, you are pregnant
and married.
Okay, strap on.
SAM: Strap on?
(LAUGHS) Bring your strap on.
SAM: This is a professional
work environment, Nadine.
Bring your strap on
and save it for the cake.
I can't believe my wedding
was the least interesting
thing that happened today.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
BETSY: That was so good.
(PANTING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ow!
Sorry.
That was hard.
Right in the vagina. Okay.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)
(BUTTERFLY PLAYING)
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, so,
now that you're a bride,
does that make me
your "bride-or-die"?
Definitely forever.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I really cannot wait to get
as many Frenchmen's baguettes
in my mouth as possible.
So jealous. I mean,
it's gonna be just like
when we used to go out
in college,
except for, you know,
I'm pregnant now
and I can't drink,
and I actually care about
what happens to me.
Listen, that's okay, that's
okay. I will drink for you.
I'll drink for me,
I'll drink for everybody.
You guys, tonight is gonna be
the best
bachelorette party ever
because it was organized by my
oldest and dearest friend,
Sam!
This one!
(ALL CHEER)
This one!
Bon apptit.
Sound levels are a go.
Visuals are a go.
Drone in position.
B unit ready?
(OVER RADIO)
Maintain your position.
Dragonfly,
are you in position?
Dragonfly. Sam,
are you in position?
Where in the hell is she?
Thank you, Sam, for moving
the bachelorette party
to Paris
with only four days' notice
to suit your work schedule.
Well, I knew you guys
would understand.
Sure!
Of course.
Like we understand how you
missed the engagement party
and the dress-fitting brunch,
and the cake-icing design jam.
Is that really a...
That's a thing.
It's okay. It's okay.
Lucky that I am here
to pick up your slack,
even though I am not
technically the Maid of Honor.
(LAUGHS SMUGLY)
Why is she like this?
Do we have
a table booked ahead,
because he's not really...
It's fine. No, I did make
a booking,
a table under the name Sam.
Maid of Honor.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Party for Sam.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
SAM: Party for Sam!
This is your final time
for strange dick.
Oh, my God.
Strange as in unfamiliar
or strange as in weird shape?
Girl, either, both, all of it.
I don't care. Just have fun!
What are you doing here?
Things are moving fast.
The mission is no longer
tomorrow. It's tonight.
It can't be tonight.
I promised Betsy...
Betsy-Shmetsy, okay? Thousands
of lives are at stake.
You always say that.
'Cause it's always true!
Turn her.
Yay!
Welcome to Club Yoshiki.
Thank you.
Thank you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Okay, I cannot leave.
Like, Betsy needs me.
This is her bachelorette.
Smile.
Mom, what are you doing here?
I slept my way in.
You did what?
I slept here overnight.
Oh, my God. I thought you were
saying something else.
I'm sure Betsy won't mind
if I join you girls.
No, I mean, who wouldn't mind
their future mother-in-law
surprising them at their own
bachelorette party?
I need you to leave
in 30 seconds.
Betsy will notice me go.
29, 28, 27...
I'll be at the truck.
She... What am I gonna do?
I arranged a distraction.
What?
It's a pretty damn
good one, too.
(YELLING)
(GASPS)
I hate you.
Sam.
We hear someone's
getting married.
(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY AND LAUGHS)
Come on!
(SHRIEKS)
Wait, wait.
If I'm getting dry humped by
a Viking, you are, too.
We're in this together.
We got room for two.
Betsy!
Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
God. Oh, my God. Yeah!
You are working it. (GIGGLES)
(VIKING GRUNTS)
Sam, I'm really glad we're
hanging out again together.
It's been too long.
I know.
I'm sorry.
It's okay. I forgive you.
(LAUGHS)
You know, you're really great,
but I really love my fianc.
You know.
VIKING: Whoo!
Okay.
Oh, my God!
Mm, mm, mm!
Whoa!
Did you feel Thor's hammer?
BETSY: Where...
Where's my friend?
You're my Viking lover.
Sam?
Where did Sam go?
What's your love language?
Well, it used to be
physical touch.
What did Sam say she does
for a living again?
Cat show entrepreneur.
Spank, spank, spank, spank!
(SHRIEKS)
(BELL TOLLS IN DISTANCE)
EDGAR: Where the hell
have you been?
Let's focus here.
We're guests of
the French government.
Let's keep a low profile.
Let's get an identification
and get out of here.
Hello, Muscles.
Face coming through?
Magnus Paulson.
Son of a bitch.
We meet again.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
(MAGNUS SPEAKING)
Is that the bioweapon?
Oh, my God.
What?
Intel said they were
six months away.
BETSY: We need to get
the package.
Negative, Sam.
We are not authorized
for conflict engagement.
We're not even actually armed.
SAM: Speak for yourself.
God damn it, Sam.
You're making me do this.
STEVIE: Uh,
Dragonfly is on the move.
EDGAR: B unit, subdue
Agent Sam Doolan.
SAM: Do not get in my way.
Come on!
She's fighting our own guys.
Go us.
(BOTH GRUNT)
I don't like this.
Let's go.
STEVIE: What is she doing?
(SAM YELLS)
(YELPS)
Sam! What are you doing?
I'm going to get the package.
Are you with me or not?
Fine.
For the lovely ladies.
Here we go.
Thank you.
Don't mind if I do.
Sam, this mission is
observation only. Disengage.
Are you serious?
No, that's my best drone!
Come on!
Okay, take this.
We need to split up.
Let's get him! Go!
SAM: (GIGGLING) Stop.
Mm, mm!
Mm.
I've been plundered.
What is her job that is
so important?
What is this profession?
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
(PANTS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Yes. Keep going, you got it!
You guys, wait.
Who runs out on their
best friend's bachelorette?
ZOE: Just drink!
(WHINES)
EDGAR: Agent Dragonfly,
up here!
(GROANING)
You're going to shoot me?
Really?
Now let's negotiate my passage
from Europe.
Sure, let's talk.
MAGNUS: These are the terms.
One, I keep what's
in this bag.
(YAWNS)
Two, no...
(YELLS)
EDGAR: God damn it, Sam!
Debrief in the safe room!
We got him.
Debrief!
I know. Genius move.
Stop! Stop the truck!
"Thanks, Sam!" You're welcome!
(SIRENS WAILING)
(GUNSHOTS)
Sam.
Okay, okay!
I'm sorry I kicked you
in the face
and you in the quim.
Sorry I broke your drone,
Stevie.
But, hey,
we got the bioweapon!
NADINE: We got the bioweapon.
EDGAR: Sam...
(VOCALIZING TRIUMPHANTLY)
Bioweapon? Sam, you almost
killed four of us, right?
You managed to somehow drop me
several stories
into a caprese salad!
But she's not trying to
make me feel special tonight.
Nope. Nope.
SAM: No.
It's not because
she doesn't love you.
I don't want to plant that
thought in your head, okay?
She doesn't love me, huh?
I don't know what the hell
to do with you. Okay?
So I'm gonna take you
off the ice, we're gonna
put you on the bench...
What?
And we'll just say
you're on holiday. Okay?
I haven't taken a holiday
in five years.
Okay...
(EXCLAIMS IN ANNOYANCE)
What I want you to do
right now
is just get out of my sight!
Now!
Okay. Well, I have to go,
'cause those penis straws
aren't gonna suck themselves.
NADINE: I'll just...
I'll call you later.
Anyone who runs out of a
bachelorette, they're a dick.
You hear me? A dick.
SAM: They're a dick.
VIRGINIA: Right?
On top of it, a Maid of Honor?
A Maid of Honor!
All I gotta say is
that that person is...
VIRGINIA: Oh, hi, Sam.
I don't even want to see her.
Welcome back.
Welcome back, Sam.
SAM: Hey.
LYDIA: What up, Sam?
Hi.
Well, hello,
Sam-a-lam-a-ding-dong.
Uh... Betsy,
that was so my bad.
It was just a crazy
work emergency.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Sam.
LYDIA: Thank God
you were there.
Where's your
bachelorette sash?
There was a prized cat
that just went mental
and swiped a judge's neck,
and so I had to use it
as an emergency tourniquet.
LYDIA: Wow.
SAM: It's fine now, though.
He'd just have to
wear turtlenecks
for the rest of his life.
Okay.
(LAUGHS) You know what?
I think I need to make
a small vomit.
ZOE: Okay...
Wait, I'll hold your hair.
Let's get to the bath... Oh!
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Come on.
Right there.
BETSY: Oh, God! Sam! (COUGHS)
Get it off your chest.
BETSY: I mean...
We changed all of
our little plans for you,
so we could be here, and then,
you just, like, poof...
Yeah.
You just disappeared.
I know, but...
Darling, I want to check.
Are you all right?
Water.
I've got this, Virginia.
It's fine. I've got this.
(GASPS)
Virginia!
Virginia!
VIRGINIA: Oh, Betsy.
Oh, my God,
you're such a good friend.
(GASPS) I have a question
for you.
Would you be
my new Maid of Honor?
Oh.
Yes.
BETSY: Thank you.
And would you hold
my hair back, please?
Yes, Betsy. Yes, I will.
SAM: I'm already holding
your hair back, Bets.
Hurry.
'Cause it's coming.
ZOE: Okay, Sam...
BETSY: It's coming!
I think you should just go,
at this point.
You heard her.
VIRGINIA: I'm coming.
BETSY: 'Cause it's coming.
VIRGINIA: Girls, stand back.
BETSY: It's coming!
Shoo, I've got you.
We'll... We'll keep in touch.
LYDIA: Y'all need these?
So, um...
ZOE: Can we please get water?
Any water.
Thank you so much.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
NADINE: You've seen
better nights, haven't you?
What are you talking about?
This has been
the best night ever.
Delusion really is
your love language.
Let's hit the clubs.
(HUMS)
Oh.
You're in the mood to party?
Yeah.
Good. 'Cause I found you
a solo mission.
Something off the books.
Nadine, solo mission!
Okay? Just to keep you busy.
Uh!
Solo mission?
Come on, brief me.
Georgia. Something big
is going down right here.
Where?
The Caudwell Estate.
It's a private island.
Nadine, that is not a mission.
That is Betsy's wedding.
I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I can tell.
You are one
shit-hot operative.
I will give you all of
your flowers on the job,
but in your real life,
you're kind of dumb.
Betsy does not want me there.
Come on. Yeah.
Yeah, I mean,
she's my oldest friend.
She gave me this necklace
when we were 11.
Right before my mom's
fourth divorce.
See? True friendship.
(SIGHS)
You're still wearing
the necklace.
You might as well go catch
the bouquet,
be off duty,
and dance and drink,
and show your titties
to strangers.
Okay? Laugh. Okay?
Show all of your teeth.
I laugh all the time. Look.
Sam.
Okay, all right.
Maybe I will go.
Really?
I'm proud of you.
You're also very easy
to persuade.
I'm putting that
into your psych report.
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXPLODES, RUMBLES)
What the...
Don't mind that, ma'am. It's
just the twelve o'clock gun.
It's kind of a tradition here.
This is it.
SAM: Thanks.
MAN: Of course.
BETSY: Great. I love it.
Sam?
Hey.
Hi.
Uh...
Um...
Uh...
You were...
You said...
I mean, and I was probably
like... (BABBLES)
I remember
it being weird as well.
They overserved.
Overserved, yes.
Yeah.
So, um, also,
you didn't even say goodbye,
so I didn't even know
that you were gonna come.
I didn't know whether
you wanted me.
Sam.
VIRGINIA: Betsy!
Betsy, look at this.
What?
Oh!
(CLANGS)
Oh.
The wax is too hard.
You employed the wrong bees!
Virginia is really throwing
herself into the preparations.
She's been such a help.
Oh, I can see. Yeah.
It's just a tiny setback.
(CHUCKLES)
Sam.
Hmm.
You actually made it.
Great.
Please.
Wow. So, um,
you rented this place?
Such a nice Airbnb.
Oh. It's been in our family
for generations.
We've distilled
our own whiskey
for two and a half centuries.
So, no, not rented.
But I'm so glad you like it.
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
BETSY: Oh, my God.
How are you, honey?
Hi!
Hi!
I can't believe this.
But, Sam, please meet
my fianc, Ryan.
Oh, you're Sam! Oh, my gosh!
Hi.
It's so good to meet you!
This is great!
I feel like I know you.
I've heard so much about you.
Oh!
You and Bets grew up together,
right, in a neighborhood?
Yeah, 'cause that's normal.
RYAN: Of course it is!
It's amazing!
Normal? (GIGGLES)
Ryan is amazed by everything.
Sam, all the bridesmaids
are staying upstairs.
Your room is all the way
on the end. The farthest away.
(SIGHS)
(BAG UNZIPS)
(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
Excellent rehearsal.
I have notes,
but excellent rehearsal.
She has notes?
She has notes.
Now relax before dinner.
Relax for exactly 20 minutes.
Thank you.
Mother, where's Chris?
And why hasn't Daddy shaved
his ears yet?
I don't know, dear.
And who looks at ears?
Everyone looks at ears!
I think hairy ears
are a sign of intelligence.
You know, I always saw myself
in the military, to be honest.
You know, Special Forces,
jumping out of the planes,
hand-to-hand...
I think I would have been
really freaking good
at hand-to-hand combat.
Where's Chris?
Of course the Best Man
is late. Of course he is!
She's so high-strung.
(CHUCKLES)
Betsy, the man in the cloth.
What is his denomination?
You know, she was up all night
just huffing Adderall.
Please tell me that
he's Catholic.
Girl, because when you are
smashing a Catholic man,
the way that guilt
takes over their body... Ooh!
At least I don't have to live
with her anymore. You know?
I don't want to break
your heart,
but I think he's Protestant.
Oh, gosh!
I can make it work.
Sorry.
Destiny calls, buddy.
I'll be back.
Wait, he's coming over.
Ooh!
You look so beautiful.
We'll be right here.
Hello there.
Hi.
I've met a lot of people.
I've not met you.
Oh!
Reverend's got swag.
Little bit. I'm Tom.
She never changes.
No, she does not.
VIRGINIA: (OVER MEGAPHONE)
Has anybody seen Chris?
(DAMN I WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER
PLAYING)
VIRGINIA: You've missed
everything, Chris!
We've had the rehearsal.
It's happened.
It's over? Hmm.
Hi.
Oh, look. A bar.
Oh. (LAUGHS) Chris.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
Who?
That's Chris.
Oh. Sam, you're alone.
Well, no, I have
my emotional support boobs.
Oh. Well, I do love cleavage,
and there is
quite a bit there.
We never got your card.
Do you have
any food allergies?
Just a very rare one
to papaya.
Papaya? That's related
to meat tenderizers.
I'm afraid you're not going to
be able to eat anything here.
Of course,
I'm allergic to latex.
Which means I can't ever have
safe sex.
Let's switch you
to water, Mom.
No!
Excuse me.
Have a wonderful time.
Raw dog it up.
You're gonna need something
stronger than that
if you want to get through
this weekend.
Frank!
(LAUGHS) Sam!
(BOTH GROWL AFFECTIONATELY)
Look at all this!
I know!
Is this is what Betsy wanted
for her wedding?
Well, I don't want to spoil
the occasion,
so I'm gonna say yeah.
Hey, hey.
To marriage.
Yours is the only one I've
ever seen work, but, sure.
To marriage.
To marriage.
Okay, thank you so much.
You can stop that.
It was great. That was...
You guys are great. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, everybody,
gather around.
So, I just want
to thank everybody
for being here tonight.
And I just want to say
that you guys
are in for a real treat.
(GUESTS CHEER)
Bridesmaids, can you
get up here, please?
Thank you so much.
You guys are so beautiful.
I love you.
Ryan, my darling...
(RYAN LAUGHS)
Yes, take a seat.
I had a little trouble
figuring out
what to get you as a gift,
because, you know,
you have everything.
Right?
Oh, man!
So, this is part of
your present.
And the other part,
I will give you
when we are
alone together later,
if you know what I mean.
(GIGGLES)
(GUESTS CHEER)
Oh, Bets!
Oh! (LAUGHING)
Okay, go, squad! Whoo!
What are we doing?
This is what...
Do what we worked on
at the bachelorette. (GASPS)
Oh, wait. You left early, so
you didn't learn it with us.
Oh, my God. Sam, I'm so sorry.
I guess you're gonna have
to sit this one out.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, you got it?
LYDIA: Mm-hmm.
RYAN: Yeah!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
You got this, babe!
(WHAT I CAN GIVE YOU PLAYING)
RYAN: (LAUGHING) What is this?
Look at this.
Look at all you guys.
(LAUGHS) Hi!
(SINGING) Won't be living
a life alone
Yes, I know what you want
When you say that
you love me so
All my thoughts wanna
turn you on
RYAN: Oh, no!
Look at you!
Now I can give you
what you like for life
Do you like
what I can give you
(GUESTS EXCLAIM)
Oh, my God!
Now I know that I want you
to put me down
To make your paradise
The robot! Amazing!
Look out! Here she goes!
What I can give you
(GUESTS WHOOP)
What I can give you
RYAN: No!
Oh! Sh...
ZOE: Oh, my God!
LYDIA: Is she okay?
RYAN: It's okay.
BETSY: Should we do something?
RYAN: It's okay.
She falls down all the time!
Virginia?
Okay, come on.
Should've straightened
your leg on the pirouette.
Who said that?
ZOE: That was crazy.
RYAN: You were in your...
(GUESTS MURMURING)
I got hit by something.
I don't know...
BETSY: Oh, God!
VIRGINIA: What?
Oh! Oh!
We need to unhook them slowly.
Trust me.
I don't know.
I think it's gonna hurt.
No.
Yeah, it's...
LYDIA: Yeah, it's gonna hurt.
Let me tell you,
the best thing to do
is to just yank 'em all out.
Okay, you trust me?
Are you sure?
(VIRGINIA SCREAMS)
(GUESTS GASP)
BETSY: Oh, my God.
(VIRGINIA YELPS)
Oh, my God.
It's okay. She's tough.
Is it going to leave a mark?
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's go get some ice.
And maybe a tetanus shot.
Oh, well...
Dance over.
RYAN: What an awful way
to finish it though.
It was bleeding, yeah.
The dance was great.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOSHES)
(ALL GRUNT)
Virginia is a problem. Okay?
She has this constant look
in her eyes,
like she's trying
to hold in a fart.
Totally bitchatronic.
Sounds like she just needs
to unclench.
But Betsy likes her.
When did they become so close?
She's a friend stealer.
She is. I mean, I know,
I shouldn't care.
It's not like I've been in
Betsy's life that much lately,
and it's not like
I can include her in my life.
#SpyLife.
If you tell Betsy,
you have to kill Betsy.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
NADINE: You know the rules.
I'm not even gonna worry
about it. (CHUCKLES)
I am better alone.
I care about where
you're at emotionally.
Not just because I have to
write your psych report
once in a while.
Wait, Nadine. Hey, Nadine.
Did you get that?
Tell me that's not an RPG.
It's not an RPG, Sam.
Can you get a grip?
That's probably just like
a long thing.
Like a...
like a keyboard guitar.
Okay, okay.
Do you think it's possible
you're projecting dangers
where there aren't any
'cause our missions
are your happy place?
Wait,
is this whole conversation
going into
my next psych report?
No.
Are you updating it right now?
No, I'm watching mice videos.
Okay. You're impossible, too!
God!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)
Chris Dalio. Best Man.
Oh!
Sam Doolan.
No longer Maid of Honor.
I heard. (CHUCKLES)
You did?
I did.
Ah.
Hey, I saw that...
that cool trick you do
with the bamboo. That was...
Oh, no, I was just seeing
how hard I could blow,
and then it...
Yeah. How'd it go?
Turns out quite hard.
It looked like it.
You never know what
this weekend could bring.
Well, listen, your secret's
safe with me.
I won't tell a soul.
I promise.
As long as you promise
to have a drink with me.
Well, I am due
for another drink.
It's been, like, 10 minutes
since the last one.
Perfect.
So, yes.
CHRIS: So, what is it
that you said you did
for a living again?
I'm not quite...
I'm a cat show entrepreneur.
And what is... what is that?
Uh, well, basically, I design
plinths for the cat shows.
Gotta have a good plinth.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Yeah.
Can I show you a few photos
of my plinths?
I'd love to see them. Yeah.
Yeah. All right.
I could look at some photos.
Here is a cat winning a prize
on one of my plinths.
On there.
This one is a cat taking
a dump whilst winning a prize.
Right?
I see that.
So...
Getting it all done.
SAM: Yeah. Like the coverings,
for example.
Okay.
Can't use microfiber.
Then the cat's tongues...
Obviously.
...become like Velcro.
Didn't know that.
Like this. Like that.
(GRUNTS)
Okay.
Mm! Lot of rich women
in cat shows.
We had Madonna open up
a show the other night.
She sang Like A Persian.
And that's it?
You don't have...
You don't have a side hustle
or anything?
No. Why would you say that?
The way you were moving
through the bushes,
you looked like a soldier
or something.
I mean, the way you were...
Over there, I saw a bat.
And then I was like, "Oh!"
And I had to look what species
is it, because I...
You're into bats?
Cats, bats, rats.
All of it? Okay.
Any... Any animals.
I mean, not so much into rats,
I don't know why
I said that, but... (CHUCKLES)
You know. Yeah.
You're funny.
Well, you're hot.
Um...
(LAUGHS)
It's... It's hot.
Yes.
I know what you mean.
Yeah, um...
Uh...
Hmm.
Huh.
I like you.
I like you a lot.
I wish, um...
I wish we could have met at
some other wedding
other than this one.
I wish I could listen to what
you were saying
instead of just staring
at your face.
Totally fine.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
You know.
(LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY)
VIRGINIA: Now...
I mean,
you've been here before,
but it's a little different.
Oh, my God! It's perfect!
LYDIA: Oh, wow!
It's just really crazy.
It's gorgeous.
There's rose petals
in the pool, you guys!
ZOE: You worked your magic.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Lydia.
I tried to get the right
flowers for everybody.
That's you. So...
BETSY: Man, these are, like,
my favorite flowers.
Everything is taken care of.
Can you believe that she got,
like, my favorite flowers?
I think there's something
wrong with my flowers.
My flowers match my nails.
Release.
Release all that tension.
Dave hasn't touched me
like this in six months.
We should do this
more often, girls.
LYDIA: Absolutely.
There you go.
I think my chair
might be broken.
VIRGINIA: You guys good?
LYDIA: Yeah. Oh!
I love this, Betsy.
BETSY: Me, too.
(LYDIA MOANS)
(WINCES) Sorry.
Uh...
So, let's talk about Chris.
What about him?
He's been close to my family
for years.
His father and mine
were business partners,
and when his father went
to jail,
my father, who was not
mixed up in all that,
helped Chris financially.
Chris is a really good friend
of mine.
Okay.
We've been linked
from time to time.
Better Magazine's
taken interest, but...
Yeah, are linked.
So you're saying just
stay away from Chris
because you guys...
I would never get into
your business like that.
No. No, girl.
Okay, great.
'Cause I will not
go near Chris.
Mm. Okay...
Do you need help?
No. I was just saying, um,
I would not make a play
on someone
you've been linked to.
Yeah, exactly.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Actually, I don't even
find him attractive.
Mm-hmm. Carry on.
I would not go... (BABBLES)
like that on his balls.
Ass waxing after this.
Ass what-ing?
Everything glides smoother.
I don't think anyone's gonna
be looking at my arse.
VIRGINIA: That's for sure.
Except for maybe Chris.
ZOE: You should wear it
every day.
It's a lot, but it's great.
I look like Ariana Grande has
joined The Real Housewives.
A hundred percent.
She should, actually.
That should be a show.
(VOCALIZING)
Ooh, ooh!
(ALL GASP)
Oh, my God!
I'm good.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
RYAN: Oh, this is amazing.
CHRIS: What do you think?
Yeah, it's the best.
You got the ring, buddy?
Yeah, I got the ring.
Of course.
(LAUGHS) Of course you do.
CHRIS: Relax. Relax.
RYAN: I can't.
CHRIS: You'll be fine.
Where is she?
VIRGINIA: Patience. You know,
it's her wedding day.
Oh, God, just...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
You guys don't think
that she...
You know.
No, she's...
Right? No, she's good.
She's ready.
LYDIA: She loves him.
VIRGINIA: She's ready.
Excuse me a second.
No, don't, Sam.
No, Sam, I don't...
Oh, God. (GROANS)
Okay.
(EXHALES) Okay.
Can I just clear the area
for a moment? Sorry.
What?
I need a...
I just need one minute.
Sam, what are you doing?
Remember when we were kids,
and, you know,
we made that pact?
"Let's never get married."
You said that. I don't
remember ever saying that.
Betsy...
What?
This whole thing, like,
it's not you. I can tell.
(SCOFFS)
Do you actually think
you want to marry this guy?
Well, it is my wedding, Sam.
See...
I'm your oldest friend,
and you do not look happy
right now.
I love Ryan very, very much.
And I also think
that you really know
how to pick your moments,
don't you?
Well, because you look scared.
Well, it's my wedding, Sam.
I mean,
this is a massive deal.
And I know that maybe
you don't get scared
but... but the rest of us do,
okay?
I'm here to help.
Sam, you haven't been helping.
You haven't even been here.
You haven't been in my life
for a very, very,
very long time.
So, you know what?
Maybe we just don't
understand each other anymore
like the way we used to.
Betsy, I know you...
So maybe you should go.
I want you to go.
Walk away, Sam.
Walk away.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
ZOE: What is she...
LYDIA: Where is she going?
Maybe she has, um, IBS.
Okay. She could hold it.
No, you can't.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
KURT: Unload the equipment.
(WEDDING CHAMBER MUSIC
PLAYING)
(CHUCKLES)
Do these waiters look
a little different to you?
Did they hire new ones?
They're all muscle-y.
Are you complaining?
No, I'm not complaining.
I'm just saying.
Look at that one over there.
He's ripped.
You're a lucky man.
Thank you.
Love you, sweetheart.
Love you, Dad.
Hi.
You look so beautiful.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
(ALL SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
CHRIS: Get down!
What the hell was that?
Dave? Dave? Dave! Dave! Dave!
(DAVE SCREAMING)
Girl, if he leaves you
for this,
he'll leave you for anything.
Sorry to interrupt
the happy occasion, folks.
But you're correct, Reverend.
They are gathered here.
(BETSY WHIMPERS)
Don't...
The elite, the great,
and the good.
DAVE: No!
KURT: They are my hostages.
Don't move.
Yes, sir.
So, please, walk inside like
good little boys and girls.
Now.
Is this normal
for an American wedding?
Zoe, are you okay?
Thank you.
I was...
Don't you touch me.
I was going for help.
No.
BETSY: What do we do?
RYAN: Just stay behind me.
Let's go.
MAN: Move.
Okay, okay, okay,
all right, all right.
I don't know what's happening.
I swear...
Oh, my God, baby,
I'm so scared.
I'm sorry.
Hold this.
You look fantastic, babe.
It's all right, it's okay.
You two, door to your left.
Sebastian!
You, living room.
Move!
Oh, God!
It's all right.
It's all right.
You all right?
I got you, babe.
I got you.
And I got you, Zoe.
Really, Dave? Really?
Because I don't feel
very got right now. Okay?
Yeah, I'm gonna give you
some space.
Give me some space.
Yep.
Are you real, or are you
one of them too?
No, I'm real. Look. See?
(GUN FIRING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, shit!
Do you see Dave right now?
Yeah.
He abandoned us.
Every time.
Uh, speaking of abandonment,
where is Sam?
Where she always is.
Not around.
Oh, come on, Bet,
she's better than that.
Like that time
when you were little.
Those kids bullied you
in the park.
She kicked their ass
in a ditch.
(MERCENARIES SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
Guys, honestly,
all this negative energy,
it's really starting to impact
my baby's development.
Yeah.
ZOE: So, I'm thinking,
Lydia, you know what?
Maybe you can sing to her
like you used to.
LYDIA: That song?
Used to calm me down.
Wow. Okay.
ZOE: Yeah.
(RAPPING) All you ladies
Pop your uh-uh like this
Move your body
Don't you stop, don't quit
All you ladies, pop
your uh-uh like this
Move your body
Don't you stop, don't quit
Lick it nice, lick it
good
Like that uh-uh
just like you should
My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
It's working.
It's really working.
ALL: My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
-LYDIA: Everybody
-My neck, my back
My uh-uh, and my crack
Hey!
Time is valuable.
Don't waste mine, and I'll
try not to waste yours.
You elite care only
about money,
which is great news,
because I'm the same.
So we should understand
each other.
If everybody does exactly
as told,
you'll all still be alive
by the end of the day.
But if anyone gets cocky,
well, there's plenty of you
to spare.
We've blocked all cell signal
and Wi-Fi.
Wordle should still
be working, though.
Look, my daughter
isn't part of this.
Take me, let her go.
Oh, Dad, it's okay.
Frank O'Connell, Third
Regiment, combat veteran.
Desert Storm.
You're adorable, Frank,
but Betsy's a much more
valuable hostage than you.
What?
Yes. We've researched everyone
in this room most thoroughly.
The Caudwell family.
Come with me.
BETSY: No.
And you, you're almost
one of them.
It's gonna be okay.
No, wait, wait.
If you're taking my husband,
then I'm going with you.
RYAN: Stay here. I love you.
No, I love you.
He has to come.
I love you.
VIRGINIA: Can you stop
talking? You just gotta go.
It's okay.
They're valuable right now.
I don't want any of them
getting hit by a stray bullet.
It's gonna be okay.
Yeah.
Come here.
Let's go.
Ryan.
Okay. All right.
Let's go,
you bunch of rich brats.
MAN 1: Go, go, go.
Right over here.
MAN 2: Come on. Go.
Right there is good.
MAN 2: Let's get it.
(BEEPS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome back.
Please verify all users.
It can't be cracked.
How do they know all this?
Why do you think I waited
until you were all here
for your happy day?
I know everything,
Mrs. Caudwell.
Your ring, sir.
Easy.
No!
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ocular scan complete.
Mark Caudwell verified.
Insert key number one.
Now the passcode.
Wedding date.
The county clerk's
office records say
March 11th, 1977.
Stop.
Don't enter that date
just yet.
Could be the panic code.
They had a ceremony
in their backyard
two days before the wedding,
more romantic.
Apparently, my father was
the Best Man.
March 9th, 1977.
What are you doing, man?
(KEYPAD BEEPING)
Code accepted.
Nice.
Thirty minutes to next key.
I'll be looking after
your rings
until they're needed. Ladies.
DIANE: I don't like this.
(WHIMPERING)
No, I don't have it.
My grandfather's wedding ring,
supposed to be
my wedding ring.
My Best Man's got it.
Until I get what's mine,
ring stays with me.
You son of a bitch, Chris.
You're supposed to be
my best friend,
you do this to me
on my wedding day?
Calm... down.
(SCOFFING)
Jeez! Caudwell family.
Y'all are very tight,
aren't you?
Well, I don't have a family.
(SCOFFS)
Not outside of prison visits,
that is.
You took that away from me
when you testified against
my father.
Because he stole
from people, Chris.
Bullshit.
DIANE: Pensions, Chris.
He made people poor
in their old age,
and we never got to
the bottom of it.
And some people thought
he did worse stuff!
Warlords, terrorism,
trafficking elephants.
And our papa's paid your way
ever since!
Oh, that's right. Oh, shit.
That's right. You know what?
That makes everything okay.
You're right. You're right.
All those years that I spent
just smiling at you fools
for fear that you would
cut me off, I'm sick of it.
I'm gonna kill you, man.
No way.
(GUNSHOT)
(ALL SCREAM)
RYAN: Oh!
Give me that!
BOTH: Oh!
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
LYDIA: Whoa.
Oh, my God, Ryan.
Damn it. Okay, okay.
Just get it.
(GROANING)
Are you hit anywhere else?
No. I'm all right.
MARK: Pressure,
pressure, pressure.
Christopher.
Yeah?
We need them alive
for the ocular scans.
Corpse's eyes never work.
Believe me, I've tried it.
I'd like to apologize
on behalf of my organization.
This man is
an independent contractor.
He is not a member
of my highly trained staff.
He's not?
KURT: No.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank God.
Oh, they're good.
(DOOR OPENS)
MAN: Hey!
Whoa.
You are not supposed to be
in here.
Oh, no. My hair looks
such a mess.
Betsy will not like this.
I just...
Ma'am.
I just will fix my hair!
(SCREAMING)
What was that?
Warning shot
from one of your dudes?
KURT: Perhaps.
Find out who fired and why.
I'm on it.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(YELLING)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, no,
your masturbating hand.
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS, GRUNTS)
(THUDS)
(GRUNTS, CHOKES)
Thirty-minute delay
between each lock.
We should be finished here
in an hour and a half.
Take them all back.
It'll be good for the others
to see the blood.
Son of a bitch.
RYAN: Whoa. (GROANS)
DIANE: Be careful.
VIRGINIA: I'll pick you up.
MAN: (ON RADIO) Team Leader
One, search basement.
(BEEPING)
Wait.
We're turning, we're turning.
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Don't be alarmed!
Ryan!
Pull that chair.
Ryan, sit down. Wait. Okay.
I'm okay, it's all right.
(GRUNTS)
Easy, easy.
(ALL CLAMORING)
Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
No! Oh, God, we need a doctor!
I know of three that are
in the other room.
BETSY: Wait!
Not a rich person doctor that
does boob jobs and butt lifts.
Like, a real doctor.
FRANK: All right, look,
I had medic training
in the army. Let me just...
Okay.
ZOE: Good.
Okay, just stay put.
Just breathe.
Yeah.
BETSY: Are you getting air?
VIRGINIA: I think this is
what I'm supposed to...
(GROANS)
Okay.
Be careful, Dad.
We need something
to tie this off with.
BETSY: A tie?
I got it.
LYDIA: Oh, no! Zoe!
Not exposing my sexy,
sculpted legs
in front of the Reverand.
(GROANING)
BETSY: Easy. Easy!
It's okay, babe, it's okay.
(PANTING)
Just breathe, Ryan. Breathe.
It was Chris.
What?
It was Chris. Chris planned
the whole thing.
"Chris" Chris?
As in, the Best Man?
(RYAN GROANING)
Chris! My Best Man, Chris.
(GROANS) Oh, God!
Whoa! That's not cool.
(RYAN GROANING)
MAN: Holy shit, man.
He's dead.
I would think so.
There's a spike sticking out
of his chest.
MAN: (OVER RADIO)
Hey, boss, we got a problem.
Somebody took out one of ours.
Whoever it is, find him.
And bring me his heart.
What?
I always wanted to say that.
What an idiot.
I don't like that guy.
I have an idea.
I want you to track down
our mystery assailant.
Show 'em
how it's done, cowboy.
Yeah?
You got this.
What an idiot.
Mrs. Caudwell.
It's your turn, ma'am.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Son of a bitch. It is an RPG.
Jeez! I bloody told her!
(SNORING)
(KNOCKS)
Hi. Hi. The boss sent me to
give you something to drink,
because he thought
you might be thirsty.
So, yeah, do you want
to just come get it?
(SAM YELLS)
(GROANING)
They're gonna find you.
They'll find me ready!
Okay. What have we got?
Oh, thank God
everyone's alive.
That much is right.
They could have
sacrificed Virginia.
So, this is what
this is all about.
And it opens with rings.
Classy.
Chris?
What are you doing?
(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
You're one of them.
You just got a lot less hot.
That's our missing hostage.
Something tells me
she's not just a cat lady.
Son of a bitch. Hmm?
Oh! Chris! Ah, thank God!
I... I heard shooting
and I just ran.
What's going on?
(SIGHS) Some asshole
and his mercenaries.
Don't worry about
a thing, okay?
You stick with me.
I can handle 'em.
But there's just, like,
one of you,
and how many of them?
Twenty seven to be exact.
It's not a big deal.
I've done it before.
Twenty seven is nothing.
They're inside,
they're outside.
They're everywhere.
Oh! That's a gun.
Oh, no!
No, it's okay. It's mine.
This is mine. I got it all
sighted out and everything.
I've had this thing for years.
I'm a trained professional.
It's not... No big deal.
No, I can protect you.
Okay? Don't make a sound.
I'm sticking with you.
Yeah.
Oh. I love your odor
right now.
Smells like (SNIFFS) gunpowder
and bravery.
Yeah, that's right.
Just stay here and be silent,
okay? No need to be scared.
I'm gonna go check
around the corner.
Okay. Thank God you're here.
Yeah.
Thank God you're here.
Shh.
(WHISPERING) Sorry, I just...
I found the rogue guest.
I'll bring her back
to the rest of the hostages.
Twenty seven,
that's good intel.
Well, 27 plus you.
And you only count as a half.
What are you doing, Chris?
You're the one causing all
the problems. Are you serious?
But you, you're a...
You're a bridesmaid.
Give it to me.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
Here you go. Fine.
Mm. Big man with an empty gun.
What are you gonna
use this for? A Slurpee straw?
Oh, Kurt. I see.
What an asshole.
Twenty seven
and the leader's called Kurt.
You're giving it up
like a whore
on the side of the highway.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
North hallway.
(YELPS)
All right, Scary Poppins.
Oh.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
Uh...
(GRUNTS, YELPS)
(GRUNTING)
(YELPING)
(PANTS) I gotta be honest
with you. This is pretty hot.
(GROANS)
Hold it right there!
We have eyes on the target.
Drop it, lady!
We will shoot!
Don't shoot!
(SAM YELLS)
(GUNS FIRING)
The bridesmaid?
The blonde one?
Yeah, she's dead.
She really was something,
though.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
(GROANING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SIGHS) Piece of cake.
You've hidden it well.
But I know who's been
playing truant.
Samantha Doolan, bridesmaid,
cat show logistician.
But she won't be
a problem anymore.
Sam.
Oh...
What...
Now, if anyone else tries
anything clever,
many more of you will
no longer be a problem.
(DISTANT YELLING)
KURT: That means behave...
or I'll shoot hostages.
I've put people in the ground
for the Sinaloa cartel.
Oh, shit.
Don't think I won't slay
a few Savannah riffraff.
(CHIP CRUNCHES)
Thank you.
Okay.
Mm. Mm.
Oh, my God.
(SOFTLY) Guys, guys, guys.
I just saw Sam.
She was out the window,
and she was fighting
some of the bad guys,
and she was winning.
LYDIA: Wow.
BETSY: What?
So what, she's like
a ghost now?
She's a ghost?
Huh?
LYDIA: So, what, Sam talked
to you? What'd she say?
"Ooh, it's me. Sam.
"I've come back as a spirit
"to apologize to you for being
an asshole in Paris."
ZOE: All right.
She's something.
Okay, let's...
Are you kidding me?
I swear. I know
it sounds crazy,
but I think Sam is
the only help that's coming.
She better be coming,
because they're gonna kill us.
But why would you say that?
The man just said that...
He said which cartels
he worked for.
He doesn't care
that we know that,
which means
he's gonna kill us.
(GASPING SOFTLY)
Did you hear that?
Right.
Sam was running
to the kitchen.
And if she's in there,
I've got to make contact.
We have to come up
with some kind of plan.
That is one of the worst ideas
I've heard in all of my years.
And I have more years
than most people think,
because my skin is so good.
It's happening.
(HESITATES)
Betsy. Betsy.
Here comes the bride.
Okay, look, it's been
nearly two hours.
Ryan has lost a lot of blood
and everybody
is scared and hungry,
and I think that they're
going to lose their shit.
And?
(SIGHS)
Excuse me.
Okay, in the kitchen, there is
a five course gourmet meal
prepped and ready to go.
And there's also
a lot of wine.
Is she hitting on him?
I don't know. I mean,
whatever it takes,
right, to save
everybody's lives?
No, not whatever it takes.
What?
Fine.
One of my men
will accompany you.
Oh, come on.
Everybody that I know and love
is being held hostage by you.
What can I even try to do?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Two of my men
will accompany you.
MAN: Let's go.
Fine.
Meghan Markle? You're next.
Yeah, that's you.
You're Meghan.
It's okay.
You got this, Ginny.
Girl, I just want to
admit something to you because
I know you always see me as
a very positive
and uplifting person.
However, in this situation,
I got to be real with you.
I'm not feeling it.
I'm not feeling it.
It's very much so
giving Pompeii vibes.
You know what I'm saying?
Pompeii?
Everybody's like...
(MIMICS SCREAMING)
And the sad part is,
it feels like
no matter how hot we are,
we could still
die in this bitch.
Lydia.
(LOUDLY) There's enough food
in here to feed an army.
Right? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Help me with these appetizers,
would you?
MAN 1: Hit the lights.
(SCREAMS)
MAN 1: Let's go!
MAN 2: Sam is alive!
(IT'S RAINING MEN PLAYING)
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS, YELLS)
(SAM GRUNTING)
Oh, God!
Come on, Bets.
(BETSY YELPING)
(GASPS)
(BOTH SCREAM)
(GASPS) Whoa...
BETSY: Okay. Okay,
so I wasn't imagining it.
But what the hell, Sam?
How can you do all that?
He's called his mates.
We have to go.
Oh, okay. Well, you and I,
we have a lot to unpack here.
I mean, you just blew up
a kitchen
without even blinking an eye.
Do you blow things up
all the time?
I guess that's my reputation.
Wha...
(GASPS)
(HISSING)
(GASPS)
(SAM GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(LAUGHS, GASPS)
Who are you?
Come on.
A screwdriver? I mean, that's
nasty. Who thinks of that?
MAN: Stop!
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Hey. Is Sam even
your real name?
It's short for Samantha.
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
Do you even feel pain?
I'm human, aren't I?
I don't know. Are you?
Oh, God.
It's almost time
for the next lock.
Bring me the lame one.
MAN: Yes, sir.
Are you sure
he said Sinaloa cartel?
BETSY: Yes, I'm certain.
And my dad says that
they don't leave witnesses.
They don't.
Come here, let me clean
those really crappy stitches.
Okay. The group that funds
that cartel
is called Europa Dawn.
And they do things
that I don't even want to say
because it will make you
crap your wedding dress.
Thanks. I really don't want
to do that.
I paid a lot of money
for this.
Well, yeah, and you look
really hot in it.
Oh, thanks.
Meanwhile, I look like
a dancing girl emoji.
What? I love that emoji.
I use it all the time.
This can't just be
about the gold.
Yes.
Do you remember Chris?
The Best Man?
The slimy, dripping dog turd?
Yes, him.
He seems to think that there
might be something in there
that could help prove
that his dad is innocent.
Oh.
If there's a record
in that vault
that shows Europa Dawn's
activities,
then they're gonna stop
at nothing to get it.
What?
Oh, God,
I bet it's almost time
for them to open
the last lock.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Ocular scan complete.
Ryan's ring, if you please.
Insert key four
for full vault access.
Shit! No way.
What?
They're not gonna
open anything without this.
That's right.
Never underestimate a blonde,
or your last words will be...
(MIMICS CHOKING)
She must have taken it from me
in the hallway.
That crafty blonde minx.
You lost the ring?
You lost the ring
to the cat lady?
This is your fault.
You should have taken it
from me in the first place.
Truth hurts, man.
It's your fault... (YELPS)
One more word from you,
and I'll gut you
like a flapping mackerel.
You better hope
that bridesmaid has my ring.
(EXHALES)
Miss Doolan.
(OVER RADIO) Sam Doolan.
I'm guessing
you've acquired a radio.
You are
a very impressive lady.
Ideally, I'd interview you
for a job,
but, uh, it's a busy day.
And I don't have time to
ask you where you see yourself
in the next five years,
so I'm just gonna kill you.
(GASPS) Do not respond.
Kiss my freshly waxed arse.
It hurt a little bit
around my ring piece,
but I actually love
the way it feels.
Betsy, I need you to stay here
in this safe space.
This is a solo mission.
Okay?
No, Sam, stop!
Betsy.
I work better alone.
No, not all the time.
I do!
No! I am your team.
My friends are your team.
You're part of the squad.
You just...
you don't know it yet.
And I'll be damned if I'm
gonna sit here in some spa,
while everybody I know and
love out there is in danger.
You and I, we're gonna
save everybody together.
And then
I'm gonna go out there
and I'm gonna marry
Ryan's ass.
I'm gonna marry his ass
so hard!
His ass is gonna be my ass!
Ryan! Yeah!
Yeah! Whoo!
Whoo!
Oh, my God, that feels good.
Okay. Right.
Yeah.
Okay. We need to plan then.
Go to the hostages.
Okay.
I'm gonna do something to draw
all the guards away.
Okay.
It's gonna buy you
a bit of time.
When I'm doing that,
you take all of the guests
and you move them
as far away as possible.
Yes.
And then, do you know
who to give this to?
Uh... Who do I give it to?
Your father.
Yeah, my dad!
He's a bad arse. Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
Wait!
How are you going to distract
the guards?
Make trouble.
It's what I do best.
There she is.
Let's crush this.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
I saw Sam.
She was in the kitchen,
and one of your men
started shooting,
and the next thing,
everything exploded.
I have trouble believing you
didn't know her capabilities.
No, she's not who
I thought she was.
She's lethal.
She is a machine.
She said...
(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
"I am vengeance."
(WINCES)
You, join the search,
find Sam Doolan.
Yes, sir.
And you guys, take these two
back to their loving family.
Okay.
(RYAN GROANS)
BETSY: Honey. Oh, God!
RYAN: Oh, God!
I love you. I love you.
Come on.
You're so beautiful.
You're so amazing.
I thought you were dead.
BETSY: Are you okay?
(SIGHS)
BETSY: Okay.
ZOE: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Let me go!
Be gentle with him.
He's limping.
Back off.
Are you just insane?
Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.
Mm!
VIRGINIA: God!
Guys, guys, guys. Shh.
Okay, it's all true.
Sam, she's a total badass
secret agent.
No way.
She's alive?
Why am I not surprised?
Yes.
She can literally
pick up anything
and use it as a weapon.
That's so cool.
Yeah. Yes.
Then she can save us.
I hope so.
Yes, she can.
But she needs our help.
Okay. All right, all right,
all right.
So what's the plan?
Well, when Sam
gives the signal,
that's when we'll know.
What is the signal?
What's the signal?
No?
She's never
really been subtle, so...
Okay, if Sam is going to be...
is fighting them, then we need
a way out that is not
through a hail of bullets.
Yes. Yes.
Right. Okay.
But...
What do we do?
We might just have...
We might just have...
...a network
of secret passages.
RYAN: ...a network
of secret passages.
And we...
And we...
What the fuck are they doing?
Always used it
for Grandpapa's...
For Grandpapa's...
...railroad...
For his old railroad.
See, sometimes white people
with money...
Drugs.
...they do weird shit.
...before the bridge
washed away!
...bridge washed away!
Yeah!
Yes!
You trapped me down there.
I did.
When we were kids.
Multiple times.
I was down there.
VIRGINIA: He was so annoying.
Yeah, I was scared.
Okay, we need a distraction.
Yeah.
So what are our skills?
Oh, so, look, I'm really good
at faking labor.
BETSY: Okay.
I've done it, like, twice
just to bring Dave.
He shit his pants
the first time.
(LAUGHS) Nice.
Yeah. I don't know what else
I can offer you guys,
besides the fact that
I'm a solid 9.5.
So do with that what you will.
Agreed.
I think you're 10.
But, you know,
I appreciate your modesty.
That's why you're my bestie.
MAN 1: Men,
watch on your left.
MAN 2: Eyes open.
Keep moving.
(THUDS)
(CRACKLING)
(SCREAMING)
She hit the power main.
You take the north side,
we'll take the south side.
North side, let's go.
Everybody, spread out.
Right, okay, so...
Yes, pliers.
What do we have here?
Oh. Trigger switch.
Hey. Right there.
Huh?
Wait!
LYDIA: What could that be?
BETSY: That's got to be Sam.
Okay, here we go.
It's time we start killing
some people.
Beginning with
Betsy O'Connell!
Kill her and you'll never
get this!
Get her! She's got the ring!
MAN: Let's go!
KURT: Go! Go! Go! Go!
LYDIA: (CLEARS THROAT)
Excuse me, sir.
I'm just gonna come out
with this.
The moment you walked through
that door,
oh, I know you felt it.
The connection
between me and you?
Something serious.
(GROANING)
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't look over there.
Keep your eyes right here.
DAVE: Baby's coming!
BETSY: Baby!
Baby's coming!
DAVE: Okay!
This wasn't something
that I wanted for me,
but we are here,
and it is what it is.
So what we gonna do about it?
RYAN: It's the baby!
(GRUNTS)
Move away from him!
Get up now or I'll shoot.
ZOE: Do you see Dave right
now? He abandoned us.
(DISTORTED SCREAMING)
Drop it, son.
(GRUNTS)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
I can never like you.
What's up now, bro?
Eh, don't play with us.
Better.
Yeah?
Better.
We can stay married?
Better.
Better. Okay, cool.
(GRUNTING)
Ooh! A flask.
Don't mind if I do.
Now, we're having a wedding.
Here we go.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
We're getting out of here.
Follow me. Let's go. Go!
Let's go, come on!
VIRGINIA: Okay, here.
Just a little forward.
(YELLS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(YELLS)
(GROANS)
Hold up.
She's using the
chocolate fountain as cover.
Move out.
She's using the
chocolate fountain as cover.
Move out.
(WINCES)
Okay. Now, I stick it to you.
(YELLS)
Get her zip-tied, Jimmy.
Finally, back to business.
Let's move.
We're almost to the far side
of the island.
It's about a half a mile.
Half a mile.
Who are you, really?
CIA?
Interpol?
With the MI6?
I mean, what are you and where
the hell did you come from?
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Key four accepted.
Countdown initiated.
'Cause the strange thing is,
they always come
with overwhelming force.
But, you, that's not
your style, is it, Sam?
No. I think you like
doing it all yourself.
You get off on it, don't you?
Well, that road's coming
to an end now, sweetie.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Vault is now opening.
I bet you're sitting here
and thinking, "Man,
"all that time,
and I'm about to die.
"Sure did wish I sinned more."
Girl, how are you
so damn sexy,
and know me so damn well?
(LAUGHS)
You're in a lot of pain, son.
But I admire the way
you handle it.
Thanks, Frank.
Hey, Betsy, your dad just said
he admires me.
Don't push it.
BETSY: Great, babe!
Hey, you said it.
No backsies.
(WHIRRING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
All right, we made it.
Watch your step!
(PANTING)
Everybody, head to the beach.
It's that way. It's a beach.
So, where... where
there's no more land.
Wait, something's wrong.
I just feel it.
No, I am sure that Sam
is back there
kicking their asses.
No. Do you remember how
I just knew
she was here
helping us somehow?
No. That was your dad.
BETSY: And me.
No, it's fine.
No, no, no, I felt it
really deep down.
LYDIA: No, honey.
I did. No, I did.
I really felt it.
Okay.
Really deep.
And I feel right now
that she needs our help.
(PANTING)
I'm gonna go back in.
RYAN: What?
You need me.
I know all of the passages.
Okay. Me, too.
Yeah, me, too.
Me, too.
No, you're way too pregnant.
And you're too bloody,
and you're too drunk.
Shut your mouth.
Have you noticed that I get
stronger and better
when I'm drunk? Let's go.
She does.
BETSY: That is kind of true.
Okay. I'm not gonna win, am I?
Wait. What?
No.
Let's do it.
Okay, let's go. Let's all go!
Yes!
Take care.
Yeah.
BETSY: Hold on, Dad.
That way.
Just please be careful.
I love you.
You've probably guessed that
none of this wealth is for me.
Really?
Maybe you should take a bar
and buy yourself
another gold chain.
(LAUGHING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
It's for your little gang.
Europa Dawn?
That actually sounds more like
a cruise ship
where grandpas get STDs.
(CHUCKLES)
Today's takings
will buy politicians
in a dozen countries.
And yes, they will pardon
Europa Dawn.
Oh, thank God. Yay.
KURT: But don't think
I'm greedy, Sam.
I just want to free
my captured friends.
I mean, you of anyone should
understand that, surely.
Yeah. I just don't think
you understand
the stress headache
a high ponytail gives you.
As for the politicians
that can't be bought,
something on this is sure
to give me a little leverage.
Yeah, that, that right there,
that's the only reason I came.
That hard drive has
all my dad's dealings on it
to prove his innocence.
Christopher, your usefulness
is over.
If you ever had any.
I only brought you here
to watch me win.
And we've done that now.
No.
(GROANS, COUGHS)
How does that feel, huh?
Come on, you want Daddy's
hard drive, Christopher?
Christopher?
(GROANS)
HUh?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTS)
Damn it.
SAM: Come on!
Jesus!
KURT: Let's bring you
up to speed, shall we?
You're trapped in
a whisky still
where you will die.
I've planted trackers
on a few guests.
They're all headed
to the shoreline now.
We'll swing by
and casually gun down
every last one of them.
No witnesses.
Oh, he's pissed.
KURT: Company policy.
I want you to get down there
and kill them both.
Yes, sir.
Okay. Kurt's gonna blow up
this whole house.
No. No, no, no.
He just said...
No, no.
He's gonna have a hard time
doing that without this. Huh?
(WHIRRING)
Okay, Chris, you need to
cut me loose.
Uh...
I don't like it either, but
we're both allies right now.
Yeah. Okay. Uh, all right.
Almost.
Just jiggle it.
You gotta promise
not to hit me.
I will not hit you.
Promise?
Yeah.
Okay. There we go.
All right, got you.
There you go.
You all right?
Oh-ho-ho!
Oh, that's what I meant.
BETSY: Sam!
Sam!
Sam!
Sam?
Sam!
Oh, my God.
SAM: It's getting so hot.
She's got to be somewhere
in this house.
But why does your house
have to be so big?
It's not our fault we're rich.
We were born that way.
Okay, wait a minute.
Let me just try something.
Come on, come on.
(BANGING)
Sam?
Wait.
(MUFFLED BANGING)
What is that?
The pipes.
(MUFFLED BANGING CONTINUES)
C...
A...
T!
That's not the pressure.
That's Morse code!
It's Sam!
The whiskey stills
are connected
to the water supply
for when we clean them.
Let's go!
Okay!
(BOTH SHRIEK EXCITEDLY)
(BANGING)
(MUFFLED SPEAKING)
Sam? Oh, God!
Which one is it?
Let's go!
Okay. No.
CHRIS: Help!
Sam!
She's in here!
I found her! Okay!
BETSY: Oh, my God,
get her out!
Oh, my God, it's filling up.
Emergency stop!
That says system error.
Yeah, that's what
it should say.
Be careful.
Is there stuff in there?
Watch out!
BETSY: God!
(CHRIS COUGHING)
BETSY: Oh, my God, Sam!
Oh, God, are you hurt?
I think the alcohol
sterilized everything.
BETSY: Oh, God!
You!
Whoa!
Hey, he already comes
pre-punched.
(CHRIS GROANING)
Okay.
Okay.
We gotta go find Kurt.
Okay.
BETSY: Yeah. I can't believe
the Morse Code worked!
SAM: Let's go! This way!
(CHRIS PANTING)
Virginia, this stuff is
so delicious.
Bitch.
(VIRGINIA GASPS)
(DISTANT WHIRRING)
The air boats are still there.
BETSY: Yeah.
With all our gold?
What is it with rich people
and gold?
I was thinking,
I'll catch the terrorists.
Yeah, sure, that too!
BETSY: Let's go.
No, but you stay here.
Seriously. Don't follow me.
What?
(SCOFFS)
I'm not staying here.
Me, neither.
Okay. I was gonna stay.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
I said stay there!
I know.
I'm doing the exact opposite.
Help me maneuver this cannon.
Okay.
All right.
Where?
Two o'clock.
(BOTH YELLING)
BETSY: Wait. Okay.
SAM: Okay. Good. Good, good.
BETSY: Got it?
SAM: Grab me a charger.
I think I got it!
Lydia, I'm gonna need
your tugging skills.
Favorite thing to do.
Cannon charger.
Zoe, cannonball!
Oh, God!
Oh, my God, that was amazing.
Okay.
I'm gonna ram it in.
LYDIA: Yeah.
You got this, ram it!
Ram it hard!
Till it's hard!
Ready? Go!
Two, three!
Go, go, go!
(SCREAMS)
MAN 1: Let's go!
MAN 2: Get out of here!
MAN 3: Go, go, go!
We need one more.
We need one more!
Everybody!
Okay.
Come on!
What the hell are we doing?
We need something bigger.
LYDIA: That's what she said.
(ALL STRAINING)
SAM: Turn it around,
turn it around!
All right, yep, that's good.
That's good.
Okay.
KURT: Fire at them!
MAN: Okay!
Three, two, one.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, my God.
(CANNONBALL WHISTLING)
(CHEERING)
Take that!
Okay, I'm going in.
Wait! Sam!
Oh, my God.
Betsy!
BETSY: Yo!
Buy me a drink first.
Sorry. I didn't know I was
gonna come in that hard.
Oh, no, I'm good.
Yeah.
I'm really good.
Someone has to watch
the estate.
You want me to help
you walk up the steps?
Let's sit down.
Again?
I don't know.
I leapt before I looked.
I said don't follow me!
But I love you, and I'll
follow you anywhere, man!
We're turning up!
We're getting out!
BETSY: Okay!
Here it comes!
(BETSY SCREAMS, WHOOPS)
Right. How does
this thing work?
What? I thought secret agents
knew how to drive everything.
Not female secret agents.
What?
I'm just kidding.
Oh.
Here we go!
(SHRIEKS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
It's him!
Which him?
The handsome narcissist.
Chris!
Uh...
Throw something at him.
Okay. What do I throw?
Oh, God. Can I throw this?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, throw it!
Help.
Throw it! Throw it!
Now what?
Throw!
(YELPS)
We hate you
and you're perfect face!
I'm gonna line up
these machine guns.
What machine guns?
SAM: These machine guns.
(GUN FIRING)
BETSY: Oh, my God!
Go, girl!
That will teach you to mess
with my best friend's wedding!
BETSY: Can I do it?
Can I press the button?
Well, it's not like everyone
gets a turn at a machine gun.
Please! Please! Just once!
All right, go, go, go!
(YELLING)
It feels so good
to be a badass!
Whoo!
No, he's going through
my wedding-themed tents!
(GASPS) Not the flowers!
No!
No!
Oh!
SAM: Okay, we're gonna jump!
What?
We got this, Bets. All right?
You make it sound so easy.
SAM: One...
Two... Get off!
BETSY: Oh, my God!
Just stop, you annoying woman!
(SCREAMS)
(YELPS)
(GROANS)
Nobody does that to my friend.
That's for screwing Betsy
and Ryan's wedding!
(LAUGHS)
(YELLING)
Kick it!
CHRIS: Whoa! Shit!
(YELLS)
(LAUGHS)
Whoo!
Hey!
The hard drive, hand it over.
Okay, okay.
Come on.
Betsy.
Yeah?
Hold me.
What? Wait. Is this why
you never married?
SAM: Right on time!
(BETSY YELPS)
Oh, my God.
(GROANS)
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING
OVER MEGAPHONE)
Wow! Is that Virginia?
That's so Virginia.
Mm-hmm.
It's over the top.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
I think you just saved
my life.
I think we both saved
both of our lives.
I can't believe that
you're still wearing that.
Of course.
(CHRIS YELPS)
(GASPS)
(MUSIC DISTORTING)
Virginia's not gonna
like that.
Done like a dinner.
But at least my wedding
is lit.
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
Ryan.
Oh, God, where's Ryan?
They're over there.
Where? Ryan!
RYAN: Betsy!
What happened to Chris?
His attractive Teflon face
just went down with a boat.
I have a mixture of emotions,
but my biggest one is "yay."
Yeah.
It's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
Ew. What is that smell?
Oh. These are my spanks.
But it's okay.
Okay.
Yeah, that's fine. It's...
Okay.
Just don't put it
in my mouth, okay?
Okay, sorry.
They're here! See?
Yeah! That's great!
SAM: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
How's it going, guys?
Did you have a good flight?
It could've been, like,
45 minutes earlier,
but this is, yeah,
great timing.
All right, boys and girls,
attention.
We are the Five Eyes Agency.
The situation is now
under our control.
It's fine, it's fine.
I mean,
these girls have got it on.
You know, this is
my first wedding.
Really?
Yeah.
I've been to a bunch
of weddings.
Really? How so?
I'm a wedding singer
when I'm not doing this.
Yeah?
It's really good.
How come, out of everyone,
you two survived?
Yeah, Edgar, it looks like...
she handled it all by herself.
You guys got it all
figured out.
I love you.
Come right back, okay?
SAM: See ya, tote scrotes.
NADINE: Yeah, take a good
look. Keep walking.
VIRGINIA:
Well, this is all lovely.
What do you say we round up
those guests,
pop back into the tunnel
and get on with the wedding?
Shall we?
Actually, can we just
do it here?
I mean,
Ryan can't really walk.
And I really wanted a simple
wedding to begin with anyway.
I think I just should have
said it a little louder.
Very well. I'll... I'll start
planning immediately.
Ryan loves trains.
Virginia, Thank you so much,
but I got it from here.
Aw. It's like
a Hallmark Christmas movie.
And now, by the powers vested
in me,
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(ALL CHEER)
(GUNSHOTS)
(GASPING)
BETSY: Oh, God.
EDGAR: Jesus Christ!
Not again!
RYAN: What is he...
I thought he was dead.
He looks bad.
(PANTING)
Give me the hard drive.
Give me the hard drive.
Chris.
CHRIS: Come on.
Our analysts have checked
the files already.
It's true. Your dad worked
for terrorists and warlords.
No.
Come on, man,
you must know deep down.
(SIGHING)
I'm sorry.
Yeah, this absolutely sucks.
Okay, take him away.
BETSY: Get him out of here.
(ALL CHEERING)
You got this!
All right!
All right, okay, the wedding.
Okay! Okay!
Let's try that kiss again.
Yeah.
Yeah.
GUEST: Yeah!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
I love you.
I love you.
Oh, my God!
Okay, ladies.
Come on, before anybody else
comes and interrupts.
Amazing.
BETSY: Okay? Okay!
Want me to catch it?
Okay. Watch me.
You're already married.
Aren't we?
Okay, ladies, Come on.
Come on, squad, let's do this.
Are you ready?
Yeah!
Okay!
One, two, three!
(RAPID BEEPING)
(GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL GASP)
RYAN: Oh, my God!
Oh!
Well, I always wanted
to redecorate.
That was a huge explosion.
BETSY: What just happened?
I don't know, it just...
It connected with this,
and I just...
You just did that
with the thing?
Oh. It's okay.
(BOTH LAUGH)
I'm sorry.
To the baddest bridesmaids
ever!
Hear, hear. All right, Frank.
Thank you, Dad.
Love you.
I love you!
Okay. And now it's time for
a speech
from the Maid of Honor.
(GUESTS WHOOP)
Which was me.
But I think
all of us here can agree that,
today, the real Maid of Honor
is Sam.
ZOE: Sam!
GUEST 1: Speech!
GUEST 2: Speech.
Make it a long one.
(GUESTS WHOOPING)
Okay. Hi, I'm Sam.
Hi, Sam!
Hi, Sam!
I've been to some weddings,
five of my own mother's.
But, this would have to be
the best one.
And I will tell you why.
Because from
what I've seen today,
Betsy and Ryan,
you are the real thing.
And I know you're going to be
an amazing wife,
because you give everyone
in your orbit
the most amazing love.
And I'm so happy that, now,
you're gonna radiate it
all over Ryan.
(LAUGHS) All over him.
SAM: To Betsy and Ryan!
(GUEST CHEER)
And, Betsy...
Yeah?
You're my oldest,
dearest friend.
You've always had my back.
I was such a loser for not
always remembering that.
So I just want to say
that I love you.
I love you so much.
I missed you.
I really missed you.
SAM: Okay. All right. I feel
so much better now,
like a weight has been lifted
off my ample chest.
(GUESTS LAUGH)
BETSY: Yes, girl.
But one more thing.
If anybody ever mentions
that I'm a secret agent,
we will rendition you to one
of our many unnamed bases.
NADINE: Yeah.
Okay?
It's true.
I don't want
to get renditioned.
It's all right.
We'll just say nothing.
That said, let's dance!
(ALL WHOOPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yeah!
RYAN: Yeah! Yeah, we did it!
Yeah!
(BUTTERFLY PLAYING)
Ready? Are you guys ready?
(YELLS PLAYFULLY)
(MIMICKING GUNSHOTS)
Okay, go.
DIRECTOR: And, action!
She's not who
I thought she was.
(BLEEP) me. Sorry.
Sorry. What is the next line?
Ripping should be, anyway.
So, great.
We'll get this boy wrapped.
-My neck, my back
-My back
My uh-uh and my crack
(VOCALIZING)
(LAUGHING)
That one looks like
a bald Austin Mahone.
LYDIA: Mm. Mm-mm.
He could touchdown
in my court.
Girl, you are pregnant
and married.
Okay, strap on.
SAM: Strap on?
(LAUGHS) Bring your strap on.
SAM: This is a professional
work environment, Nadine.
Bring your strap on
and save it for the cake.
I can't believe my wedding
was the least interesting
thing that happened today.
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
BETSY: That was so good.
(PANTING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Ow!
Sorry.
That was hard.
Right in the vagina. Okay.
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
(THRILLING MUSIC PLAYING)