Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy (2025) Movie Script

1
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
So late!
Mabel's put a scarf on the cat.
He's not a cat.
He's my husband.
Where is he?
Will he bring the ladies
with the big boobies?
"Ladies"?
Last time, he brushed
my hair with a fork.
There were three ladies,
and they had an epic pillow fight.
- The fork had maple syrup on it.
- Out of the way, darling.
Well,
it's obvious he's not coming,
so I'll just stay home.
You said this was the one thing you
had to leave the house for this year.
You're right. I'm going.
Move, please, Mabes.
Fuck... caccia.
Did we eat the focaccia?
Well,
we haven't got any vegetables.
But lucky you, you get to have
frozen peas. Mmm.
All right. Come to the table.
Come on.
One, two...
What am I going to do
when I get to three?
Please enter alarm code.
Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!
- Please enter alarm code.
- No! Don't put the flames out.
- We can toast marshmallows.
- Please enter alarm code.
Please...
The tension of our bodies,
the scars of...
Hello, Moto.
...in... in our longing.
Bridget Jones, always exciting.
- How's the skirt?
- Daniel, hi.
Just checking you have indeed
forgotten about tonight.
That is hurtful, Jones.
I have absolutely not forgotten.
No.
I'm so sorry. It's my mother.
- She's in the hospital.
- Oh.
- Primordial sweat.
- I will be there
quicker than it took me to bring
you to earth-shattering orgasm,
you filthy little harlot.
Love you, Mummy.
"Mummy"?
Darling, clever Geminita.
I'm gonna have to rush.
It's a family emergency.
But I am loving this one.
I think... I think we all are,
aren't we?
Call me later, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
I am imminent, Jones. Imminent.
Un-bunch those giant panties.
Bloody zip
manufacturers should be
cancelled for sociological bias.
It is actually impossible
to do this on your own.
Help.
Ooh. Thank you, monkeys.
Uncle Daniel!
Miniature Darcy,
what's the news?
Where are the ladies
with the big...
Hair?
They couldn't make it, sadly.
They're, um...
They're washing their hair.
All three?
Yeah, well, they wash each
other's, you see.
I thought you said
no more models.
Geminita is not a model, Jones.
She is a poet and a healer,
and a model.
Come here.
Hell of a night for you.
Ugh, I can't go.
The children need me.
Uncle Daniel!
You. Right.
Get a fork and some syrup.
I'm gonna style you.
- I found the cards.
- Very good. Excellent.
Now then, we need to work on
your bluffing and your cheating.
Life has its white notes...
and life has its black notes.
You look very beautiful tonight,
Mrs Darcy.
Not looking so bad yourself,
Mr Darcy.
Bridget.
Very black notes.
Jolly good. Come in. Weather's
been a bit shitty, hasn't it?
- Though the cricket this year has been...
- Jeremy.
...absolutely phenomenal.
This is what happened.
Mark Darcy, my husband,
father to Billy and Mabel,
died.
Or rather, was killed
in the Sudan on
a humanitarian mission.
- Everybody's just upstairs.
- Thanks.
And that was four
years ago. Today, actually.
Brace yourself.
It's a total fucking shit show.
And even though there might be
600,000 words in the human language,
the world still struggles
to find the right ones
when someone you love is gone.
Bridget, how are the children?
- Mmm.
- Are they...
Are they all right without
you there?
No. It's fine.
Left them some crystal meth
in the kitchen.
Maybe not.
Well, we don't make a thing
about it.
We celebrate Mark's birthday
instead.
Oh.
So, Bridget, still on your own?
It's been four years now.
You're still in pretty
good nick. Why no chap?
Now, now. It's not Bridget's fault.
Very hard, being a middle-aged woman
- and finding yourself single.
- Mmm.
Better if you're a bloke.
Look at Binko Carruthers.
He's no oil painting,
but the second Rosemary died,
he was inundated.
Of course, they were all of a certain age,
though, weren't they?
Sorry, do you realise
you said that out loud?
Hmm?
"A certain age"?
What, do you mean our age?
- That is the most...
- Shazzer now hosts
a podcast calledFed Up,
in which she has dinner
with minor celebrities
while basically getting furious
about everything.
...sexist fucking universe
we, unbelievably,
still continue
to fucking inhabit.
I need to go to the toilet.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
Yeah, Jude.
Yeah, I'm with her now.
Well, Shaz, tell her
to come to The Golden Cock.
No, no, no. The party.
It's for Mark.
That's not a party.
That's a fucking bin fire.
And you think that Mark would
want you to stay here and be insulted
in the fucking sexism Olympics?
To Mark.
- And to Bridget...
- Aw.
...and the rare pleasure
of seeing you
- in something not made
of terry towelling.
Tom, still living
handsomely off
his one hit single
which had a comeback recently in a
30-second video of a dog doing maths.
Now, of all things,
a life coach.
Honestly, I'd say it was
a bit of a breakthrough,
speaking as your psychologist.
You're not my psychologist.
Well, I should be, yes.
According to the classic model,
you've actually made it
to the fourth stage
- of the five stages of grief.
- Wait. Isn't it seven stages?
What are you talking about,
Jude? No, it isn't. It's five stages.
- Isn't it five?
- Well, I always thought it was four.
It's definitely seven.
Jude, now CEO or COO
or CTO,
definitely a C-something-O,
still regularly calling, in tears,
from executive bathroom.
So, um, only one stage to
go now, Bridge.
- Oh.
- Stage five.
It's acceptance,
which basically means
- you just have to get laid.
- Oh, my God. Shazzer's right.
Yes. I mean, honestly, darling,
look at yourself.
You've become
a born-again virgin.
If you don't get laid soon,
your vagina will literally reseal itself.
Yeah, and that is a thing.
It's called labial adhesion.
Oh, my God!
I knew leaving the kitchen was
a mistake.
I don't want anyone else.
And even if I did,
which I don't,
I'm non-viable,
completely asexual,
and nobody will
ever fancy me again.
- Ever, ever, ever.
- No. No, no, no.
And I'm going to the toilet.
Crash and burn.
That was a disaster.
Well, that was
a fucking disaster.
Crikey. Have we been burgled?
We have not
been burgled, Jones. No.
We have been marvellous.
Now, tell me this.
For Tonya, do we think a kitten
heel or a chunky wedge?
She's going to Wimbledon.
Wedge, obviously.
You may be right.
How was it? Any fun? Any tongue?
Ugh. God. No tongue.
I have hung up my tongue.
How were they?
Well, the girl is you.
Lawless, romantic,
irresistibly drawn to me.
Asked me if I was going
to be her new daddy.
She does that.
Yeah. Wouldn't go to bed
until I'd married her rabbit.
- Hmm.
- Which I was very happy to do.
That rabbit is not
at all unfanciable.
Hmm.
And Billy?
Well, Billy is Darcy, isn't he?
Still waters and all that.
As it happens, Jones, your son
and I have a number
of shared interests.
Oh, God. Like what?
Models.
He showed me his,
I showed him mine.
- Hmm.
- And then we... we talked about death.
Did you?
Yeah.
I told him being dead was shit.
And that I should know
because I was for a bit.
And then, uh...
I gave him a hug
'cause he seemed a bit sad.
And then that made me sad
because...
How is your boy?
Enzo's, what? He's...
Uh, fuck knows, Jones.
Fifteen, I think.
Anyway, we then cheered ourselves
up by digging out the cocktail shaker,
and I taught him how
to make a Dirty Bitch.
Saved it for you.
It's in the fridge.
Goody. Have it for breakfast.
Yeah, hello, hello,
hello, hello.
Geminita.
Yeah, we're all done. All done.
I'm on my way.
Well, as quick as I can.
Yes, like naughty old moth
to eager young flame.
No, you hang up first.
And... Ok, kiss you back.
- Yeah, ok. Louder.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Fuck off, Jones.
Ok, they're asleep.
Um...
...it did take a bit of time.
But I... Actually I showed them
a video of Geminita
reciting one of her prose poems
and they were out like a light.
All right.
What happens now?
I'm trying to remember how it
worked with our babysitters.
I think you give me 20 quid
and try and shag me, don't you?
Ah, Daniel, dear Daniel.
At least some things
never change.
It makes me sad though, Jones.
You know...
two children and you all alone
and effectively a nun.
Albeit, of course,
a very, very naughty nun.
Bye, Daniel.
Yeah.
Thanks for tonight.
Yeah.
Why are these lights still on?
I thought you two were asleep.
Do you miss Dada sometimes?
I miss him all of the times.
There's my owl.
Back to bed. Come on.
- Story, Mama?
- Mm-hmm.
For the baby princess is
as kind as she is fair.
And the baby prince is as gentle
as he is handsome.
And wherever they go
and whatever they do,
Mummy and Daddy
will always love them.
And Saliva.
She stinks, Mabes.
Oh!
- Good night, darling.
- Good night, Mama.
Good night.
And all the thoughts...
And all the thoughts
are going away.
They don't need little Billy
and Mabel tonight.
The world
will turn without them.
The stars
will shine without them.
And all little Billy and Mabel
need to do is rest and sleep.
Good night.
Night.
Good night, Billy.
- Do the song, Daddy. Please.
- Ok.
I'll do anything
For you, dear
Anything
For you mean everything
To me
All by myself 47.
Shitballs.
No. Cock-bollocking
fuck-bubbles!
Literally everyone
else in the whole country
is laughing uproariously
with their partners
while watching Netflix
and having sex.
You don't want to wallow in it,
darling.
And there they are again.
All the voices, all the advice.
You gotta wallow in it, Bridge.
Wallow.
Grieve. G-R-E-I-V-E.
It's I-E. It's not E-I.
No, it's, "I before E
except after C."
Yes, exactly.
God, you really are such
a T-W-T-A.
A what?
The thing about advice is,
no one tells you
the same thing twice.
Bridget, you've got
to put the children first.
Uh-huh. Thank you,
Magda. Yes.
Put the children first.
Sod the children.
Put your own oxygen mask
on first.
Right. Oxygen mask.
Got it.
One thing's for certain, Bridge.
- Forget about sex.
- Oh.
Ok.
No sex.
You need to have a lot of sex.
Yeah. Why don't you come back
to work?
Thank you, Richard.
I'll bear that in mind.
But as my dad said
just before he died,
the big question is...
Can you survive?
I think so.
I have to.
I'm trying.
It's not enough to survive.
You've got to live.
Is that the Dalai Lama?
It's Harry Styles, I think.
Colin.
- Is that a sausage?
- What sausage?
Bridget, you know what the
doctor said about saturated fats.
Pam, could you take a photograph
of us? Me and Bridget.
Um...
Colin, try not to do that with
your chin.
I'm not doing anything with
my chin.
Promise me you'll live, Bridget.
Smile!
Bridget Jones,
it's time to live.
I know when to go out
Know when to stay in
Get things done
I catch a paper boy
But things
Don't really change
I'm standing in the wind
But I never wave bye-bye
But I try
I try
Never gonna fall for
Modern love
Walks beside me
Modern love
Walks on by
Modern love
Gets me to
The church on time
Church on time
Terrifies me
Church on time
Makes me party
Church on time
Puts my trust in God and man
God and man
No confession
God and man
No religion
God and man
Don't believe in modern love
It's not really work
It's just the power to charm
I'm still standing in
The wind
But I never wave bye-bye
But I try
I try
Never gonna fall for
Modern love
Walks beside me
Modern love
Walks on by
Modern love
Gets me to the church
On time
Modern love...
Right.
You've got your pencil case,
your lunch, your homework?
- Your keys?
- Ooh.
Well,
you've definitely got your
recorder so that's good.
Your lovely picture of
a spaceship.
It's a cat.
Oh, yes.
Of course it is, darling.
What paints did you use?
I used the lipsticks with
the C's on them.
- Oh. So creative.
- Handbag?
Oh, fuck a duck.
Hello, Billy.
Morning.
Hello, Mabel.
Morning, Bridget.
Hi.
Just the usual crap.
Are you going to be
my new daddy?
- No, Mum!
- No! Mum!
When I signed up
for having children,
I did not sign up to be ruled by
a gaggle of computer crackheads.
Well, guess what?
I've had you,
I've brought you up,
and I've changed my mind!
No!
No, no, no!
Don't you touch those or I'll
fucking enter you in Squid Game.
Here, darling.
- Come, come.
- Mum!
Why don't we ever say hello?
Oh.
Important life lesson, darling.
Never meet your heroes.
Starting today,
will not set things on fire,
will responsibly reset passwords
not to include the word "fuckwit,"
and will not be frightened
of the school mums...
Hi.
...in particular,
Perfect Nicolette...
...with her perfect twins.
Move the car! There's no parking
in front of the school.
- How are you?
- What?
I-I thought you were in LA.
- Right.
- Mr Walliker?
Mr Walliker, Eros tells me he hasn't been
selected for the choir for some reason.
- Correct.
- Well, how can that be?
Because he can't sing. Anything else,
Mrs Soltani-Watkins?
Mr Walliker, if you have failed to
recognise Eros's obvious talents,
- that's hardly his fault.
- It's really quite simple.
The choir, like everything else
in nature, is chosen on merit.
Yeah, natural selection.
If Eros wants to put in the work,
he's welcome to audition again.
- If you'll excuse me.
- Bike!
Bike! Not there. Not there.
Who's that?
Oh. New science teacher.
Mr Walliker.
Instant hero.
Unbelievably rude.
He's awful.
Move along, please. Right away!
You two! This isn't a stroll on
the heath.
You don't see me unfolding deck chairs
and unwrapping sandwiches, do you?
Move it inside!
It's choir in eight minutes.
Mr Walliker. Hello.
I don't believe we've met.
I'm Billy Darcy's mum.
The boy about to be diagnosed
with tinnitus.
The whistle is
an essential tool, Mrs Darcy.
Mmm. An essential tool?
What an apt description.
Eros! Atticus!
If you're late, you will regret
it for the rest of your days.
Sorry, sir!
No!
She'll be back later.
We have a doctor's appointment.
I've got worms!
Why is your granny
wearing pyjamas?
That went well.
"G-O-N-O"...
That's lovely, darling.
- "R-H"...
- There you go.
One tablet a day for
the entire family,
and if her itching doesn't stop,
I suggest you get rid of that cat.
Have you got some help yet?
I know it doesn't look it,
but really,
- I've got it all in hand.
- No, it doesn't look it.
Apart from anything else,
I'm a gynaecologist, not a paediatrician.
And whilst I'm happy to step in,
you do take my point.
If you say "oxygen mask" to me again,
I will hit you with this handbag.
I am not afraid of handbags.
You need something else to do.
You need a reason
to get out of those pyjamas.
Well, fashion's never
really been your thing.
- Rude.
- Pyjamas are all the rage in Milan.
Bridget, in spite of all objective
evidence to the contrary,
you are a bright, talented,
brilliant woman.
And my professional advice
to you is this.
- You need...
- No. No, no, no.
Please don't tell me to go
and have sex.
Oh, good Lord, no.
No.
Read a book.
Clean out the kitchen drawers.
Leave the pink bits
well enough alone.
You'll be ready when
you're ready.
No, my professional advice
to you is this:
Go back to work.
And how's your love life?
On fire.
"Sy-P-Lis."
- Mmm.
- Syphilis. Mabel, Syphilis.
Syphilis.
Mmm. Very good. Very good.
And there's some delicious
vegetarian alternatives here too.
Floods, fires and famine.
As the world teeters on the
edge of climate catastrophe,
sausages aren't the only thing
we are grilling today.
Environment Secretary Sarah
Givens joins us after the break.
Hi.
Oh, thank God you picked up.
What's the matter?
They've got the bloody Environment
Secretary on in 45 seconds
and they've got me asking her
questions about bloody tea bags.
"What's the best way to recycle
tea bags?"
"Can you clean surfaces
with tea"...
I need you, Bridget!
Ok. Uh...
Ask her...
Ask her why there were no
tax breaks for renewable energy
- in last week's budget.
- Brilliant.
She'll fob you off with some
crap about economic constraints
and then you nail her on oil and gas
companies ring-fencing their profits.
- Yes, I do.
- She'll flap!
And then you nuke her arse on
the government's support for fracking.
Ooh.
I fracking love you,
Bridget Jones.
- Hi, Bridge.
- Yes!
Oh, oh, oh! Do try to find out
about the tea bags though.
- Love you. Bye. Bye.
- Love you. Bye!
Welcome back.
Our next guest is
Environment Secretary
Sarah Givens.
Sarah, budget,
tax breaks, fracking.
Justify.
And no fob-off!
Could you please put me through
to Richard Finch's office?
My name's Bridget Jones.
Yeah. I'll hold. Thanks.
Billy,
I want to watch SpongeBob.
Billy, come off that, please.
You've had your screen time.
One, two...
But, Mummy, it's Sunday.
No.
Can I watch SpongeBob?
May I watch SpongeBob.
Yes?
No, you've got to say,
"may I," not "can I."
May I watch SpongeBob?
- No.
- But, Mummy!
No, no, no, no.
No more screens, either of you.
Screens have been proven to
shorten attention spans and...
Ooh!
No.
Will you come and practise
cricket with me in the garden?
Mummy really needs to work,
darling. Why don't you play with Mabel?
She refuses to hit the ball. She
says she feels sorry for Ball-y.
Ball-y.
Darling, please go and play
cricket with Billy.
I may not!
Is it too much to ask to get some
bloody peace all by my bloody self
for five bloody minutes?
Internet's down!
I want to watch SpongeBob.
Tell Billy it's my turn.
- Mummy!
- I don't want to be a mummy right now.
You had it for ages!
I didn't even
have it today. It's my turn!
Mummy!
There's no Internet!
I just want to sit down
in echoing silence on my own
for one moment.
- Mummy! Mummy!
- Just shut up!
Shark bait!
Come and get it!
Okay. You asked for it!
Miranda?
All right, Bridge?
What're you doing here?
So I was reading the newspaper
in Soho House
and it was so, so quiet,
you know?
I just miss all this.
Off milk, stuff, clutter,
children, life.
Plenty of that here.
You don't have any champagne.
Top tip:
Always keep a cold
bottle of champagne
in the fridge for emergencies.
That's excellent advice.
Cards on the table,
I'm thinking
of unfreezing my eggs.
Apparently,
everyone is going to Denmark
to get sperm.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
But I want what you have.
All of this.
But Soho House and Sunday
papers and cold champagne...
You're free, Bridge.
You're liberated from
the tyranny of this.
Do you know how many
dating apps I use?
Could you look sexy?
Well, I mean...
I might still brush up ok
given enough time.
No, I mean for this photo.
I've set you up on Tinder.
- What?
- You're welcome.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Well, I've popped you down as a widow.
It's so much more romantic
and singular.
We all agree it's what you need.
What's Tinder?
It's...
such a lovely day.
Who wants to, um,
go to the heath?
- No, I don't wanna go!
- No, SpongeBob!
Oh, ok. That's no problem.
Uh, sure.
Um, you stay here,
and I'll just, uh, take these
chocolate buttons. Ooh!
- Let's go, nutters!
- Can't wait!
Children and fresh air
and white chocolate buttons.
I feel like Julie Andrews!
Oh! I just got matched
with someone.
Sorry, Mabel, could you just
get off, actually,
'cause you're killing my back.
Uh, he's on a street corner...
in a van.
- He looks like Jason Statham...
- Mmm.
...if you squint.
In a bit, Bridge.
Bye, kids. See you.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Oh, how everything calms down
once you're outside in blue skies
turning the children into
biddable lemurs.
Will obviously
delete Tinder immediately.
But perhaps
a very quick look first.
Keith?
Who are you, Keith?
Feel suddenly exposed to whole
new world hiding in plain sight
like Narnia through back
of wardrobe,
but with lion
and witch shagging.
Mummy!
Mabel's stuck up the tree!
- How'd she get up there?
- Mummy!
Coming!
Okay.
No, it's... it's all right.
- I can't get down either.
- It's all right. I'm here.
Uh.
Billy. Is that you?
Oh, no. It's Mr Walliker.
Everything all right, Mrs Darcy?
Yep. Super.
Just climbing a tree.
I can see that.
Having fun?
Yes. Yeah, this is really fun.
- You sure you don't need a hand?
- No, no.
As Einstein said,
"What goes up must come down."
- Newton.
- Yes.
Newton.
We're going to die!
No, we're not going to die.
We're having fun.
We are definitely going to die.
Clearly you've got this
nicely in hand.
Look, there's a policeman.
Oh, my God.
I've climbed a magical man tree.
- Are you stuck?
- Yes!
No.
- Do they need help?
- Apparently not.
So, I'll... I'll be off then.
Bye-bye.
Okay. I'll be off too.
Don't go away.
No, seriously.
Don't go away.
Hang on. I'm coming.
Okay. Coming up.
Uh...
Hello.
Okay, just... Hang on.
Hello.
Hi, mate.
- Hi, what's your name?
- Mabel.
- Mabel.
- I can't jump down.
Okay. Well, you sit down there.
You get comfy, and I'm gonna go
down there and catch you, ok?
- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.
Three, two, one, go!
- I did it!
- I've got you. Well done.
All right, big man. Your turn.
Okay. You got this, mate.
There we go.
- Next foot.
- That's it, darling.
And I've got you.
Okay, Mum.
Okay.
There we go.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- You all right?
- Yes.
Yes.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It's all right.
Uh, I'm Roxby.
But you can call me Roxster.
Bridget Jones.
But you can call her Mummy.
Hmm. Okay.
Oh.
I think this is yours.
Thanks.
Anything else I can help with?
God, yes.
No.
Okay.
It's nice to meet you, Roxy.
It's Roxster.
You too, Bridget Jones.
Now obsessed
with tree-rescuing Adonis
and reentering world of flirting
simultaneously with workforce.
- Mrs Darcy.
- Mr Walliker.
Weapon at the ready, I see.
Good to see you managed to
extricate yourself from that tree.
Oh,
yes. It's the children's favourite game.
We're completely obsessed
with the outdoors in our house.
Well, I'll have to put you down for
our Outward Bound trip next term.
Sounds like it'd be right up
your street.
Fucking fuck.
Yeah. Good.
Do you have my slime?
I promised I'd show Cosmata.
Oh.
Hey, those are mine.
Give them to me.
They are actually hers.
Well, in that case...
Bridget!
You're dressed properly.
Odd.
Heading to a meeting.
Thinking about going back to
my old job.
Oh, a job. Oh, I'll put you down
for Jobs Day then.
Fucking fuckety fuck fuck.
Yes, absolutely.
Celestine,
merci. C'est gentil.
Actually, do you mind
tidying this up a little bit?
Sure.
Uh, what about the children?
Do you have a nanny?
Not yet.
Oh, I've got the perfect person.
She's excellent.
She's very pretty, but that
doesn't matter, Bridget,
because you don't have
a husband,
so it's absolutely immaterial
how pretty and perfect she is.
- Sounds good.
- There we go.
- Francesca.
- Sorry.
Wonderful.
It's nothing.
I just threw it together.
Ah.
Bridget? Your donation?
You didn't forget?
No.
Certainly not.
Uh, let's see.
Here we are.
Hummus.
And, uh...
Rice cakes.
And look, they've even been
opened already.
Lovely.
Ah. Her name's Chloe,
and she'll be with you at 6:30.
Raef! India! Get inside.
That's enough chatting.
Bridget Jones.
Thank you.
Four.
Four.
- Three.
- Three.
Thank you.
This is Bridget Jones about to
go into an actual
in-person meeting.
- Brenda Jones?
- Oh, actually, it's...
Bridget Jones, there you are.
Excellent. Quick, come with me.
- Thank you, Lizzie.
- Thanks.
Good to see ya.
How have you been?
You look hot.
Oh. Thank you, Richard.
But I think you'll find that sort
of language is a little outmoded
- in the workplace.
- No, I mean flustered.
Are you going through the, uh,
you know?
Bridget, let me introduce you
to Talitha.
Richard, what am I
supposed to do with this, huh?
Does it climb?
Does it stand on one leg?
Does it do cartwheels? It's a
tortoise. It doesn't do anything.
He can't pull out.
Who the fuck does he think he is?
Arrogant, self-important prick.
Tell that selfish arsehole
he can rot in hell.
The Dalai Lama's cancelled.
Twat. Shit.
Okay, we've got an hour
till we're on air.
We need a replacement.
Let me make a call.
I do Krav Maga with Fergie.
Duchess or Black Eyed Pea?
Duchess. She could be here
in 45.
Talitha, meet Bridget Jones.
Best producer we've ever had.
Oh.
I'm sure you're very good too.
Huge fan.
Hold this.
Loved your early work
from Chechnya.
Now I'm doing features
on incontinent tortoises.
Fergie.
Are those glutes burning up?
Hello.
- Hey. Sorry.
- Right.
Uh, right. Let's get rid
of this set, please, now!
So, what do you think?
Can we lure you back?
Fergie's in.
Does anyone know how to
get tortoise piss out of silk?
Blotting and mild detergent.
When can I start?
Am rejoining ranks
of London's employed
and meaningfully contributing
to society.
Can walk with head held high and
be role model for Billy and Mabel,
saving them from otherwise certain
future as alcoholic wards of the state.
It's super that the
television's invited you back.
Of course, I always stayed
at home when you were little.
Classic Mum.
Can't really talk, Mum.
I've got to tidy up
before the nanny gets here.
A nanny? Really?
Mummy doesn't love us anymore.
Ow!
Ever since Mum and Una
moved into Audsley House,
the retirement home
we have to pretend is a hotel,
the phone calls
have been the same.
Any men on the horizon, Bridget?
Well, there's got to be someone.
Some people don't mind a widow.
Stings a bit.
Beggars can't
be choosers, Bridget.
And now, look, we're in
the hotel kitchen
doing salmon in the sous vide.
I mean, it's basically
boil-in-the-bag,
but everybody's doing it
these days.
Roxster.
Definite development.
Cooking's never really
been your thing.
Oh, must go. Bye, Mum!
Bye, bye.
Oh, God, it's her.
Hi, I'm Chloe.
Hello.
What the actual fuck?
She looks like a film star.
Chloe, this is Mabel.
Look, I can play the recorder
with my nose.
Children, this is Chloe.
She's going to come
and help with everything.
Nicolette mentioned it would
be a challenge,
- but I've certainly seen worse.
- Oh.
Oh, and this is Billy,
the science genius.
Ooh, we mustn't pigeonhole
children. It adds undue pressure.
Have you read How to Raise
a Self-Driven Child?
Oh, yes. It's on my list,
so do not spoil the ending.
Oh, not to worry, Billy.
It's not about the result.
It's about the journey.
There's something to learn
whether you get an A or a C.
Billy has never had a C in...
Who did this?
Mr Walliker.
I drew the earth and the atmosphere,
and I put heaven over the top.
And Mr Walliker said that heaven
was a religious construct.
And he gave me a C.
Well, Mr Walliker
is a whistle-obsessed fascist
with all the soul of
a non-stick wok.
Where did you hide
the chocolate digestives?
I didn't hide...
...anything.
Well, plenty to do here.
If my body was a boat
Could you steer that, sailor?
Make it feel like it's a
1960s Hollywood trailer...
Consumed with guilt
re hideously perfect nanny,
who children will obviously come
to love more than hopeless mother
without film star hair.
Ooh, it's what I need
Yes, 'cause
I could love you
If I really wanted to
You could be
Be my glass of wine
When the sun set
Help me exhale all the excess
Baby, bae, bae
Baby, would you
Would you make it all right?
Or maybe that much better?
If you wanted
You could make it
All worth it, worth it
Worth it, worth it
Ooh, when I see the sun rising
You make it that much better
So I hope you're gonna make it
All worth it, worth it...
And texting Roxster
slowly became part of my life.
A relationship with no
necessity for actually meeting,
or arrangements, or sex,
or any real life at all.
- In other words,
the perfect relationship.
Is that the tree Adonis?
Wait a minute.
You wrote to him,
"How are you liking Tinder?"
Inoffensive, neutral,
a bit dull.
He replied, "Don't know, only joined
it to find you, Bridget Jones."
- Shag him now.
- Mm-mmm.
Then he sent a smiley emoji
and then you responded
with the flag of Greece,
an abacus and a duck.
I panicked.
Thank you.
Who's next?
Do you want to go for a drink?
I'm so flattered.
Um, but I've got a boyfriend.
Well, sort of got a boyfriend.
I think.
Um, so nice of you to ask,
but, um...
no, thank you.
No, it's part of the meal deal.
Well, this one's easy.
You absolutely must go.
Obviously.
But we've been texting for so
long now. I can't meet him.
I mean, maybe it's like
in Jane Austen's day
when they did letter writing
for months and months
and then suddenly
just got married.
Bridget, sexting a man
that you just met in a park
is nothing like
Jane Austen's day.
- If you don't shag him, I will.
- I can't.
There is no possibility of being
naked with a man at this point in my life.
You just need a little rebrand.
You'll start by getting a slip.
- A slip?
- Yeah, with a slip,
you can show off your arms,
your legs, your dcolletage,
which are always the last to go.
And keep the central area,
which one might want to gloss
over, glossed over.
And get a Brazilian.
God, no.
I like a bit
of coverage down there.
Or run a comb through it
at least.
But also, do get a Brazilian.
Just dust it. Dust it down.
Okay, I'll go!
But I'm not going to sleep
with him.
Are condoms
meant to be coloured?
Is hypersensitive good?
Large? Small? Oh.
Maybe just purchase
a representative selection.
Regular.
Mmm, exotic flavours.
Thin feel.
Extra-large.
Pleasure Me.
Lube.
Pleasure Me again.
Enjoy your weekend, Mrs Darcy.
Hello, old friend.
Hmm.
Thanks for having
the kids tonight.
Always a pleasure,
never a chore.
I'll take them to
school in the morning.
So you can stay out as late
as you want.
Make up for four years of
no shagging.
It's only a drink.
Too see-through?
Mmm. Definitely.
Ok.
How about this?
Ok.
The reality suddenly
completely terrifying,
and Mark, and insane and flabby.
And oh, God, oh, God.
I can't.
- I really can't.
- Oh. What? What?
- No, I just can't.
- Aw. Hey, you can.
You just need to think of it as
widening your circle of friends.
That's all.
Hmm?
Come on.
Put on the dress,
get out of here
and widen your fucking circle.
Oh, God. Look at him.
What if he's perfect?
Hello.
Hi.
There's a really great place around
here that's been here for forever.
Do you know this area at all?
Mmm, I used to.
Yeah, the, uh, Heath Ranger
thing is just a day job.
And my real passion is garbage.
Really?
The technical term
is garbologist.
I'm a biochemist.
Studying to be one.
You're a student.
A late-in-life one, anyway.
Yeah.
How late?
I'm 28.
I'm just kidding.
I'm 29.
Fuck.
Is he closer in age to me
or to Billy?
What about you?
You are...
Slightly older.
I'm gonna say 35-ish.
Yes.
Bull's-eye.
Let's say 35.
- Mmm. Thirty-five it is.
- Mm-hmm.
Is 35 all right?
I think older women,
ever so slightly older women,
have a wiser view on life.
You know,
they're more experienced
and more emotionally mature.
Me in a nutshell.
I find that very attractive.
Oh, God. I have no idea how
any of this works anymore.
Is it all right if I kiss you?
Aw.
The generation who ask.
I think
that would be acceptable.
Give me just one moment.
Oh, my God.
What are you doing?
Put your hand down, boy
Welcome to my zoo
Put your head inside
My big, black wild while
I can still help you
See the snake-baboon
Funky, chic and smooth
Honey, can you spy
The divine ape-swine
'Cause he can see you
I...
You all right?
Yeah. It's just...
Yeah. Okay.
Wow. It's really tight.
I'm a man
I'm a twisted fool
My hands are twisted, too...
I am an animal...
Oh, God.
...that starts with E
- Mabel's.
- Ah.
I'm a man
I'm a twisted fool
My hands are twisted too
Five fingers
Two black hooves
You make me so hard, baby.
You make me hard.
What?
Got toes and I can smile
I'm crooked but upright
How did that happen?
I'm using protection.
La, la, la, la
Whoo
I'm so nine-to-five
- Hi, Bridge.
- Morning.
I've got coffee
and I've got Ricky Gervais's
requests for today's show.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
- It's big.
- Yeah.
- A relaxation corner.
- Uh-huh.
Three full-length mirrors.
And he'll only use La Mer
for some reason?
I know.
- Ooh. Three, please.
- Three.
Did you have sex last night?
What? No.
Won't you take a hold of me
Sam! Ricky Gervais is
on his way in.
And, apparently, he won't drink
Evian, only Icelandic water.
And it's got to have lots
of alkalines.
Or no alkalines.
Um...
Did you have sex last night?
What? No!
La, la, la, la
God!
Tape measure, please. Quick.
The cushion can't be more than 40
centimetres from the floor for Ricky.
Did you have sex last night?
Yes. I did. Okay?
I did.
I had a full night of
utterly mind-blowing sex
with a tree-rescuing
rubbish expert Adonis
who might be
slightly younger, probably.
And it was amazing!
Okay?
So what?
Lost in romance
Let's just dance, ooh
Shake it till the pearls
Get lost
La, la, la, la
Am not only mother
and sexual being,
but also capable working woman
at the top of her game.
So take that, Chloe.
I've done the macaroni and cheese,
but with butternut squash instead.
It's in the bottom oven. Just needs to
move to the top in about 20 minutes.
Good. Good. Right.
It's just how I would do it.
Um... Oh, Chloe,
uh, it would be really helpful
to have their water bottles done
the night before.
In the fridge. Top right.
Where the expired milk was.
Oh, great. Great. Um...
Billy will need something extra
for snack tomorrow.
- He's got...
- Cricket, yeah.
In a snack bag. Labelled.
By the bread bin.
- We have a bread bin?
- I have to leave, I'm afraid.
Graham and I have tai chi
on Thursdays.
6:45 sharp, but earlier
to get the spot you want.
Oh. 'Course.
You and Graham enjoy
your tai chi.
Oh, you forgot to leave out
Billy's cricket things,
but never mind. I'll do it.
Bag packed by the door.
Nevertheless,
secret to calmer,
happier parenting:
One-night stands.
Although,
it wasn't just one night.
Brought a pie.
Hmm.
That was funny.
And so,
a moment turned into a date,
which turned into a kiss.
Which turned into a night.
Ooh
What a wonderful thing...
And the night
turned into a summer.
I can see
You standing there now
And you're
The prettiest thing
In the crowd
And guess who
Be laughing loud, but me
You made me see the love
That you're giving me
Baby...
Won't you hold my hand?
Just let me know that
I'm your man
And show I'm not ashamed
I walk the floor
When you leave me
Hey, baby
I don't know about you
Let me tell you what
I'm gonna do
I'm gonna try to make
My dreams come true
With you
Morning. Welcome back.
- Good morning, Mr Walliker.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Mrs Darcy.
How were your summer holidays?
I have a new daddy now.
His name is Roxster,
and he always gives Mummy
a funny hairstyle in
the morning.
Yes, well. It's not that funny,
is it, Mabel?
It is.
He's not a new daddy.
He's just someone.
Off you go.
Well, it seems congratulations
are in order.
You!
- No. You two. Come on.
- Bye, Mum. See you soon. Bye.
Bisous, bisous, bisous.
Bridget, I emailed you
from Anguilla about, um...
Jobs Day, yes. I come prepared.
I must say,
it's a welcome change, all... this.
Thank you.
All right, everyone.
Settle down.
Settle down. Thank you.
Um, so...
Last term, Daveed's dad
was kind enough to talk to us
about being a thoracic surgeon,
and next week,
Eugenie's mum will be in
to talk about her role
as a nuclear physicist,
and how it felt to win
the Nobel Prize.
But today, it's Billy's mum.
So, everyone, give a warm
welcome to Mrs Darcy.
Hello.
Um.
I am a television producer.
My mum says television
is making society rot.
Yes. Well, thank you, Priscilla.
Ok.
May we have a volunteer?
Thank you, Esmeralda.
Right.
You can stand here.
Very good.
And you are going to
say things like,
"Ten seconds to air!"
And I am going to be
the interviewer for the day.
Now...
Just...
Right. Ok.
Perhaps Mr Walliker could be
the person being interviewed.
Take a seat.
Uh, righto.
Now, topic.
- The life cycle of
the fruit fly. Hmm?
Right, ok.
Ooh. Ten seconds to air!
Hello, this is Bridget Jones,
and I'm delighted to have
Mr Walliker on the show today
to help us understand
the life cycle of the fruit fly.
Um, well, it's a...
it's a pleasure to be on
the show.
And, um, thank you
for that question.
Um...
Well, the, uh, the average...
Thank you.
Uh, the average fly takes about
two weeks to mature
and can live for as long
as 40 or 50 days.
And then, like all living things,
when it dies, it simply stops.
Cellular shutdown.
It falls, gradually decomposes,
and becomes part of
the soil system.
But does it really end when
it dies?
Exactly, Mr Walliker.
Surely there's more to
the story.
Um, well. Well, not really.
But, yes.
After the body of the fruit fly
stops working,
uh, then the soul of
the fruit fly
will be able to be free, yes?
And that particular fruit fly
will always, in some senses,
be with us.
- The soul of the fruit fly?
- Hmm.
There's no evidence for a soul,
but the body is a perfect system
of electrical pulses,
powered by the heart,
which is in itself
- a pump, if you will...
- The soul, Mr Walliker,
is the essence
of every living thing.
If you think
we're simply bits of machinery
that can be switched on or off,
then where does art come from?
Or wonder? Or poetry?
- Or magic?
- Magic?
The fruit fly, when it dies,
will stay with its fruit fly
family forever.
Keep the interview on point,
Bridget.
This is utter nonsense.
Our world is governed
by laws and fact.
That's our universe.
- And it is rational.
- Cut!
I'm a realist, Mrs Darcy.
I believe in what's real.
Cut!
Off to Talitha's birthday.
Are you sure you're ok
to stay tonight?
It's Thursday. I thought
you and Graham had tai chi.
Won't kill him to miss a week,
will it?
He's so uptight.
Oh, you look nice, Bridget.
Oh!
Ooh.
Oh, try this.
There.
Thanks, Chloe.
Billy! Mabes!
Snacks on the table.
So where is he?
Is he not coming?
Oh, it's fine.
He must have been held up.
What? By some sort
of rubbish emergency?
- Probably had to finish his homework.
- Stop it.
Hope he gets here
before story time.
Shut it!
Come the fuck on, Bridge.
Does this guy actually exist
or is it, um, like that one time
that you saw Brad Pitt
at Costa Coffee?
- It was him. It was.
- Come on. Really?
- Happy birthday.
- Lovely to see you.
What on earth are you holding?
Oh, Petula.
A present to myself
and I already prefer her
to any human.
Oh, hi.
Happy birthday to you
Oh, here. Can you hold my baby
while I feign surprise at
the cake
that I chose
and bought for myself.
Oh, look! Look at that!
Happy birthday, dear Talitha
Thank you. Oh, look.
Happy birthday to you
Thank you.
Thank you all so much
for coming today
to help me celebrate, well, me.
We love you, Talitha.
- Talitha!
- Talitha! Happy birthday.
Beep, beep. Beep, beep.
Binko Carruthers.
Oh, please don't come over.
Please don't.
Beep, beep.
There she is.
The famous Bridget Jones.
So I told Cosmo
I'd take you out for a spin.
How's Friday?
Fuck, no!
Jude, get in there. Come on,
get the fuck in there! God, help!
Oh, my God. Oh!
- Petula, come on, darling.
- Petula! Petula!
I'm mad about the boy
And I know it's stupid
To be mad about the boy
Who's that?
I'm so ashamed of it
But must admit
The sleepless nights I've had
About the boy
Ooh, ooh, ooh
On the silver screen...
He melts my foolish heart
In every single scene
Although I'm quite aware...
That here and there
Are traces...
- I think this belongs to you.
- Thank you.
About the boy
Lord knows
I'm not a fool girl
- Hello.
- Hi.
I really shouldn't care
Lord knows
I'm not a school girl
Who's in the flurry...
Sorry I'm late.
Buses were a nightmare.
It's fine.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
She just jumped out of my arms.
Do not apologise.
Oh, my darling.
Let me help you out
of those wet clothes.
No. Don't you dare redress him.
- You look gorgeous.
- You look gorgeous.
All because I'm mad
About the boy
Now that, my darling,
is what I call a rebrand.
Hi. I'm Roxster.
We've come a long
Long way together
I hope he's up to it, darling.
Through the hard times
And the good
I have to celebrate you
Baby
I have to praise you like
I should
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
- Hello.
- Oh, fuck off.
I have to praise you like
I should
I have to praise you
I have to praise you
I want a little sugar
In my bowl
If there is a God,
I'm sure he had more to deal
with that night
than my personal happiness,
but it did feel like he'd taken
the night off everything else
to focus on me.
But then...
I wish I had a time machine.
Feel so funny
I feel so sad
What's the matter, baby?
A time machine.
Come on, save my soul
In his moment of inebriated joy,
he had given himself away.
In my bowl
It mattered to him.
And with that came the elephant
stomping heavily into the room.
I try to discover...
That happens to us all, James.
Oh, I do have about
60 naps a day.
Well, 60 in the morning
and a nap in the afternoon.
Yeah, but you've got so many
interesting characters in this show.
So this show is for...
Ghosting.
The practice of ending
a relationship
by suddenly and without
explanation
withdrawing from
all communication.
That you give me
No reason why you...
The slow unveiling of
reality and rejection.
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no
That you give me no...
The casual cruelty.
I hear you calling
Oh, baby, please...
Give a little respect
To me
What religion or reason
Could cause a man
To forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no...
Do not text when ghosted.
Don't you tell me no
Soul...
Do not text when drunk.
I hear you calling
Oh, baby, please
Give a little respect
To me
Ghost the bastard back, Bridget.
Just let him disintegrate
into nothingness.
It can be a jungle out there.
Yep. And I'm the giant panda,
sexually obsolete and destined
to be alone forever.
No. You will adapt and survive
like we all do.
I used to be on the cover of
Vanity Fairin a flak jacket.
And now I'm on the cover of
Good Housekeepingwith a pavlova.
Cathy...
where's your special stuff?
HD TV was an
extinction-level event
for the fearless career
television presenter.
I'm about to usher you
into your next chapter.
Lip serum.
I get it on the dark web.
- Is it legal?
- Absolutely.
In Venezuela.
Here, take it.
Adapt and survive.
Adapt and survive.
Ooh. Something's
definitely happening.
It's either disastrous
or totally fantastic.
Mummy!
Hi, sweetie.
Shit.
What's happening to my voice?
Mabel's shoes are on
the wrong feet.
No. My feet are on
the wrong legs.
Silly thing.
Mummy, something's wrong
with your mouth.
No.
No, there isn't.
Yes, there is. Look.
Your lips
are all funny right there.
Darling, don't be ridiculous.
All right, Mabel, let's get
these swapped over, shall we?
Out we pop. All right.
I wouldn't do that again if
I were you, Mrs Darcy.
You looked all right
to begin with.
All right.
You're trying to look younger
and the effects have marked similarities
to those of an elderly stroke victim.
You're actually drooling now.
Oh, dear.
Now, acutely aware
as I am of my waiting room
filled to capacity
with actual patients...
not to mention the fact that
I am a gynaecologist
and that particular
set of lips is,
as it were, broadly speaking,
at the wrong end...
I am nonetheless going to
ask you the question,
"Bridget, are you ok?"
A simple yes will suffice.
No.
It's all your fault.
"Twat." Sorry,
it's doctor's handwriting.
That's an A,
in the middle there.
Now, I rather zoned out
after "pyjamas",
but a toy boy is not the answer,
Bridget, and nor are big lips.
You're a widow
with two wonderful children
who adore you.
You're just trying to cope with
a shitty situation.
Embrace the chaos.
That's just a simple allergic
reaction to
hydroxymethoxyphenyl
propylmethylmethoxybenzofuran
in whatever infernal concoction
you've smeared on your mouth.
- This is an antihistamine.
It'll work straight away.
It's for the lips.
They still haven't invented
anything for being a twat.
Hello.
Yes, this is Bridget.
Of course! Straight away.
Yes, yes.
Daniel.
Well, by all that's holy,
Bridget Jones.
Nice of you to come, Jones.
If I'd known,
I'd have worn a tinier nightie.
What happened?
My heart.
Two massive surprises.
One, I have one.
Two, it murmurs.
They've, um, had a listen
and I don't know.
Are you ok?
Well, I thought I was having
a heart attack.
My whole life passed before
my eyes.
You actually featured
prominently, Jones.
- Hmm.
- All the best bits.
Rome. Mini-break weekend.
Sodomy in Sainsbury's.
But, uh, mainly,
it was just me wandering up
and down the King's Road
trying to twinkle
at 20-year-olds.
Mmm.
Perhaps it's an opportunity
for a new beginning.
Brand-new Daniel.
Mmm.
I think I shall stay
right here...
until you agree.
Well that is kind of you,
Bridge, but, um...
they told me I don't have long.
- What?
- No, no, no. Fuck. No, not that.
Well, maybe that.
No, they, uh...
they're taking
me for some tests in a minute.
The question is, would we say
I've become a fraction tragic?
They asked me to put down
my next of kin.
And the only person I could think
of who might remotely care was you.
- That's very sweet.
- Yeah, but not deliberately.
The point is, Bridge,
how have I arrived
at this point
in my life with no kin?
How could I possibly be kinless?
But you're not.
You're not kinless.
Well, I haven't seen Enzo
since he was two.
And he is now being happily
raised by his mother
and an Italian aristocrat who
wears his jumper like a shawl.
So, lucky you, Jones.
Your two,
the way they look at you...
just makes one realise...
one's own fuck-ups, really.
The glory of what
might have been.
Did you know...
it was actually quite good
with Gisele at the beginning?
I have to face the fact...
...that it may have been,
Jones, love.
The real thing.
I still don't know what
she was so pissed off about.
You shagged her sister.
Once. Massive overreaction.
God, I love you, Daniel.
Despite your really quite
impressive
lifelong dedication
to total fuckwittage.
Yeah.
There's a lot I don't know.
An awful lot.
But I do know that my children
would give anything at all
to have just one day
with their dad.
- Time for your obs, Mr Cleaver.
Oh, right.
And, again,
there is really no need
for you to remove your gown.
Sorry.
Okey-doke.
God.
Then lights down on
the cooking segment.
Why do I always have to do
the cooking bits?
That chestnut ravioli
he cooked last time
was the worst thing
I've ever put in my mouth.
I highly doubt that.
And then, Miranda,
you cross to the stage.
"And now, on Better Women,
a surprise guest." Blah blah.
And lights!
Yeah, I'm a fighter
And I made it through
Solid gold survivor
That's...
Hold it!
Linus, we've got to practise
following her with the lights.
So, uh...
maybe you could dance a bit?
Yeah?
- Uh...
- Ok. Go, Linus!
So give me light
You've got to find
Your own road...
Can you hold that, please? See,
you've got to, you know, go for it.
Help me see...
'Cause she's going to,
you know...
And no more light
And no more love
It's not over...
It's not over
I won't save you when
I'm weak
Only got so much left
To give
It's not over
It's not over
Till I'm done...
Till I'm done
- See, Linus?
- Hi, B.
Oh, shit.
Brought a pie.
Sorry, they just told me
to come in.
You disappeared, Roxster.
I know.
I know.
I panicked.
I got... I got scared, and I ran.
But I want this.
You.
I thought I wasn't ready,
but I am.
I thought I...
I don't know,
wanted somebody my own age,
but I don't.
I love you, Bridget.
I'm ready for all of it.
For Billy and Mabel.
And burnt lasagne.
And slime.
And all of it.
I promise you, I am ready.
I'm not sure that matters.
What do you mean?
I don't... I don't understand.
You're so lovely,
and you're going to be
a brilliant partner and dad.
And you're going to discover
all sorts of garbage that
will change the world.
That's not how it works.
But not with me.
I wish I had a time machine too.
So you could catch up.
Are you... Are you sure?
I am.
I'll keep the pie, if that's ok.
Goodbye, Bridget.
Parents' evening.
Is there a worse night for
the single parent?
They call it parents' evening
as if it's a plural.
As if it's a given that
there's two of us.
Oh, well. Chin up and onward.
Mrs Darcy.
It's good to see you.
Good to be back in the studio.
The great fruit fly debate.
Uh...
Small secret.
It was about 50 times
more interesting
than that
bloody thoracic surgeon.
And don't get me started on
the physicist.
I mean, they'll hand out Nobels
to anyone these days.
Oh, yeah.
So, uh, Billy.
Well, he's, um...
he's an excellent cricketer.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know,
he's a very good
young scientist.
He's... he's got a good brain.
He's methodical,
his experiments are well drawn up.
Look, I mean, it's just, uh...
it's excellent work all round.
- Good.
- It's just this, Mrs Darcy. I'm...
I'm a...
I'm a bit concerned about him.
Concerned? Concerned how?
What's he done?
No, he hasn't done anything.
He's, um...
He's just been a bit, uh...
withdrawn.
Why is he withdrawn?
Everything's been all right
at home?
Yes, yes. It's all fine.
Everything ok with your, um...
hairdresser?
Him? No, but yes. Uh...
He's withdrawn?
- Well, I don't mean
to alarm you.
- Sorry about that. Yep, exactly.
- Mr Walliker, sorry, sorry.
We're a couple of minutes early,
but these sessions are so short.
And I have more than
a few questions for you.
You don't mind, do you, Bridget?
We do have the two boys, so...
Not at all. No. That's...
It's fine.
Mate, I'm gonna have
to put you on mute.
Thank you.
- Right.
- I've got parents' evening.
Mark Darcy, the leading
international humanitarian
rights lawyer,
was killed this morning in
the Darfur region in Sudan.
...a land mine.
The 55-year-old was in
the war-torn region after
joining international efforts...
Mr Darcy was a leading
international figure in human rights
and crisis resolution...
...gained global recognition
with the Kafir Aghani
and Eleanor Heaney case,
which, of course, he won.
He leaves behind his wife,
Bridget Jones,
and their two young children,
Billy and Mabel.
- More on this story as
we get it.
Dearest darling Mark,
it's your birthday
on Sunday, and...
...I'm just no good
at doing this on my own.
I'm sorry I'm such a bad mother.
I'm sorry I got caught up
with a callow toy boy.
I'm sorry I'm late for school
and that Billy's withdrawn.
They're growing up without you.
How is Billy going to understand
how to be a man without
his father?
How is Mabel going to live
her life
having never really
known you at all?
Please forgive me
for being upset
about anything which
isn't about not having you.
Please help me find a way
to do this
without feeling like I'm ruining
the most important part of my life.
The only part that
still has you in it.
I have to put down how many tickets
we need for my Christmas concert.
Should I put down two?
For you and Mabel?
Put three.
Mabel, me and Chloe.
Ok. Three.
Finished.
Me too.
Daddy will love these.
They're perfect.
Yes.
Did you write one, Mummy?
I did.
Tomorrow, can we post them
to Daddy?
Of course we can.
And Mark's birthday
came as it always did...
like all the celebrations,
Christmases and anniversaries.
All the love and all the pain.
Ok. Ready?
On three.
One, two...
What am I going to do when
I get to...
...three.
What I have is what
I love most in the world.
Billy and Mabel.
Just the three of us.
Whoo!
- Mr Walliker.
- Mrs Darcy.
Darling, you got to let me
Know...
Billy!
- Hello!
- Hello!
Ready?
If you say that you are mine
I'll be here till the end
Of time
So you got to let me know
Should I stay
Or should I go?
Should I stay
Or should I go now?
Should I stay
Or should I go now?
If I go
There will be trouble
And if I stay
It will be double
So you gotta let me know
Should I stay
Or should I go?
Have a good walk, then.
Thank you.
Bye.
All right, come in.
Now...
what this is not is a "walk."
We are about to embark as a team
on an orienteering adventure.
- So do you each have your compasses?
- Yes!
- Do you each have your maps?
- Yes!
Right then, you know your groups.
Hands up, Otters!
You'll go along with Mr Collins
and Bikram's mum, Mrs Pasricha.
Billy's mum, Mrs Darcy. You've
drawn the short straw, I'm afraid.
You'll be joining me
and the Ospreys.
Now, this is very important.
Remember to open your eyes
and look around.
This is one of the most
beautiful places on earth.
Enjoy it.
Let's go.
- You sure you're up to this, Mrs Darcy?
- Absolutely!
I was a Queen's Guide.
Got my Pioneer badge.
I can rope, knot,
splice and lash.
If you need anything tied up,
I'm your girl.
- Right then.
- Bring up the rear.
Yes! Bringing up the rear!
Up!
We're gonna see
much more water than that.
Up the rear!
Yep.
Make sure everybody's with us.
You can see
the second waterfall, can't you?
Well, those two are together.
Coming!
Hurry along. Come on!
- Give me your hand.
- Wow. So cool.
Ok.
Right.
Is there a Wi-Fi password?
Oh, Atticus, don't be a pillock.
All right, take this tarp
and spread it out on the floor
over there, all right?
Come on.
It's all right.
It's dry.
Mrs Darcy,
could you take that wheelbarrow,
pick up some firewood
for when the rain stops?
Yep.
All right, everyone.
Do your best to get dry.
Ding-fucking-dong.
Whenever you're ready.
Looks like
we'll be here for a while.
It really
is absolutely disgusting.
Burnt to a crisp.
I think you'll find
it's a brle.
Come on, then.
Off to Bedfordshire.
Goodnight, Mr Walliker.
- Here we are.
- Sleep well, team.
- Well done today.
- Thank you.
Okay. Night night.
Goodnight.
Mission accomplished.
One barnful
of sleeping children.
Don't get me wrong, I'm quite
impressed by your resourcefulness,
but who travels to
the Lake District
with a backpack full
of marshmallows?
All parents know the marshmallow
is an essential tool,
Mr Walliker.
Do you have children?
Uh, no. No, no,
I never did any of that.
But, um...
It's funny.
In the back of your mind,
you think it might happen,
and...
But, you know, one day,
you're preparing a test
for a periodic table...
...and you realise
it's the 27th one you've set,
and there's just never been time
to really think about having
anything like a...
like a family in between.
But it's good.
It's good. I, uh...
Well, it suits me.
Mmm.
I see it does.
I mean, look at that.
All of it.
You asked me where's
the wonder and the magic.
It's a good question.
I think it's here.
You don't believe in magic,
Mr Walliker.
No.
Well, I've been thinking.
Mummy?
Atticus is really frightened.
He says his mum sings Puccini
to him when he's scared.
Well, he might have to settle
for some early Take That,
but I'll see what I can do,
okay?
Mr Walliker,
do you mind if I sit here for
a minute?
Of course. Sit down.
- Is there anything you want to...
- It's just...
what if I forget him?
I don't wanna forget him.
But what if I do?
Let me tell you this, Billy,
um...
Your dad is everywhere.
He's everywhere.
Right now...
in this moment.
And that's a scientific fact.
Energy is only transferred.
It can never be destroyed.
And more importantly,
your father is in you.
And Mabel.
Billy, tell me something...
one thing...
that you remember best
about your dad.
Another Christmas
Is around the corner
And I can feel us, darling
Getting closer
It's coming down the road
And stopping it now
Stopping it now
Is impossible...
Can we?
- May we.
- Yes.
I built a snowman out
The back
It came alive And flew me
Round this sleepy town
I put an old scarf round
Its neck...
Careful!
And every time
You kiss me...
Chop-chop.
One, two. One, two.
May I have your hot chocolate?
- No. No! Marshmallows!
- Yes. Yes.
Mabel, why don't I take
you to your seat? Come on.
Is that all right?
- Don't dawdle, Mrs Darcy.
- No.
Show's starting.
Yes, of course.
- That sounds fantastic.
- Yeah.
I'll see you at Nobu at 7.00.
Oh, for God's sake, Victor.
Fucking prick.
Bravo! Bravo.
Thank you,
Eros and Atticus Soltani-Watkins.
Now, although it's not on
the programme,
we do have one...
one more song.
Um, I happen to know it means
a lot to our singer.
And, um... well, this is his
first-ever solo performance,
and I know he'll
do himself proud.
I'd do anything
For you, dear, anything
For you mean everything
To me
I know that
I'd go anywhere
For your smile, anywhere
For your smile
Everywhere I'd see
Would you climb a hill?
Anything
Wear a daffodil?
Anything
Leave me all your will?
Anything
Even fight my Bill?
What? Fisticuffs?
I'd risk everything
For one kiss, everything
Yes, I'd do anything
Anything
For you
Go, Billy!
Bravo!
Oh, my darling.
Daddy would be so proud of you.
I know.
Well done, Billy. You nailed it.
- Were you surprised, Mum?
- Yes.
- Genius.
- Up top.
- So, can I have a sleepover with Bikram?
- Yes.
- And did you bring my...
- Yes.
Bikram! Nintendo!
Mr Walliker, Billy was...
The whole thing was...
- It was...
- It was magic, Mrs Darcy.
No, it wasn't.
What you've done for Billy...
People talk about moving on like
it means,
you know,
leaving something behind,
you know,
leaving someone you love behind,
but perhaps it's more
that suddenly you see
you can live at the same time
as all the things you've lost,
and that you can be happy
even without them.
And tonight,
I saw my son up there
and I understood for
the first time in four years
that he's going to be okay.
And so, we're going to be okay.
And you did that, Mr Walliker.
It wasn't magic.
It was you.
So, I'll overlook your tendency
to be a little aloof...
Some might call it
condescending.
Supercilious is a good word
and you probably don't hear it
enough, but the point is...
thank you.
Mr Walliker?
We're going to
The Spaniards for a drink.
Um, and if you wanted to come,
well, we'd be there
because that's where we'll be.
Can't be taught. Can't be
taught. It was unbelievable.
- Mrs Darcy.
- The flautists, an absolute triumph.
One of the best
Christmas shows I've ever seen.
Christmas shows don't get much
better than that. Extraordinary.
No, it doesn't.
Don't look at me like that.
- Billy! How did it go?
- Billy!
- I did a solo.
- Oh!
Congratulations.
Come here. Have a squidge.
He was brilliant.
- Hello, Mabel. How are you?
- Well done. I bet you were.
- Chloe has a video.
- You look lovely.
- There's a video?
- A video?
Chloe? Video?
Congratulations.
Hi. Uh, four, uh...
large glasses of white wine,
please.
Wine. Wine.
Oh, house white. Party petrol.
- Bikram's here!
- Your wine, ladies.
- What are you doing down there?
- Nothing.
- Well, there we go.
- Congratulations, darling.
- To Billy.
- He was wonderful. Billy.
- Absolutely wonderful.
- Yes.
But I can tell you, I... I knew
from his glow it was a triumph.
No, honestly.
I mean,
once you've tasted success...
You had literally one song, Tom.
Yes, you know,
my mother always says
if you've got nothing nice
to say, then shut the fuck up.
Your mother's right,
so shut the fuck up.
We should never shut
the fuck up.
Stop telling everyone else
to shut the fuck up.
We can, yes.
- No. Come on.
- Good overtaking.
No, I didn't. That was him.
Mum. That way.
Mr Walliker!
Aren't you coming in?
Well, actually, I was. I...
I wanted to say something
to you,
but it's the wrong time.
You're there with everyone,
and...
I'm better with people about
4 foot tall.
4'1". That's my sweet spot,
as it turns out, so...
Where are you going?
Well, look, I really just wanted
to discuss Newton.
Newton?
I mean, we already covered
Newton's second law, gravity,
in the tree when you were
pretending not to be stuck.
But the one that's always
fascinated me isn't the second law.
I mean, any idiot can see that
an apple's gonna fall down.
What's it gonna do, fall up?
It's a hopelessly overrated law,
the second.
No, the one that's always
interested me is the third law.
You'll know what that is.
Yes.
Of course. But go on.
For every action,
there's an equal and opposite reaction.
It's a fundamental law
of our universe.
It's, uh... It's an inescapable
fact of our existence,
and I was coming to say that
you are...
this force, Mrs Darcy...
to me.
Equal and... opposite.
And just as Newton predicted,
it's irresistible.
I see it.
Right now, just standing here,
I feel it,
and it's as real to me as the
things I loved when I was a boy
and first started looking at
the world.
You see, it's not really order
that we science people
fall in love with, Mrs Darcy,
it's the beauty in things.
The beauty,
to be specific...
in you.
Oh.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
- I don't know what I was thinking.
- No, no.
This is exactly why
I decided not to come in.
I've clearly got entirely
the wrong end of the...
- Mr Walliker...
- Look, I just want you to know
that this is not going to be
awkward at all. At all.
- Please stop talking.
- With Billy and school.
Let's just pretend this never happened,
please. Let's just...
It was either that or a whistle,
and I haven't got a whistle,
Mr Walliker.
Call me Scott, for God's sake.
Yes, Mr Walliker.
Right, shake it, shake it,
shake it. No, go mad.
That's it. Now pour it out.
Very good.
Insert one cherry.
And that, my friends,
is how we make a Dirty Bitch.
Christ. That may even be
a Filthy Bitch. Pass that round.
Now, similar but not at all
the same,
the Bad Mummy.
Little bit of vodka.
- Yeah?
- Come here.
Okay, you're in charge.
Is that who I think it is?
So they tell me, yeah.
What do you think?
You have sad eyes, angelo mio.
Why so sad? They make me sad.
I want to see the smile.
Stop it.
He's 16!
Yeah. Late starter.
Where in Italy are you from?
- Bologna.
- Bologna.
- Yeah.
- Say it again.
- Bologna.
- Bologna.
Enzo, the kids are gonna watch
a movie upstairs. You coming?
He'll stay.
Boys.
I think you're proud.
Relief, really, Jones.
Kin, as you said.
- Enzo.
- Yeah?
Vieni qua.
- I beg your pardon.
- Okay.
- Ciao.
- Ciao.
This is your hostess
and one of the great loves of
your father's life, Bridget Jones.
Ooh!
It's nice to meet you, Enzo.
He says it is a great honour
to meet you.
Oh!
And then he says that those are
very, very silly little boots.
You have incredible posture.
You're not Danish, are you?
Well, I can be anything
you want.
It is, isn't it? I know,
and it's working really well for you,
but all I'm saying is maybe
it's time for a rebrand.
Have you ever thought about
having a pixie cut?
No.
Oh, you have the face for it.
And it's utterly changed
my life.
Nonsense, Pam.
You're perfect just as you are.
Is that a Dirty Bitch?
Steady on.
Oh, yes, please.
Yes, thank you very much.
Thanks.
- Just what the doctor ordered.
- Me too.
- Always. Take a horn.
- Give me the fucking horn.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Yep.
- Mmm. Oh.
- Mmm. Mmm.
I'll be honest, I don't know what I'd have
done in the past 20 years without you lot.
- Twenty?
- No, it's not. It's thirty?
Yeah, it's more like 30 years,
to be honest.
We've had some fucking fun
though, haven't we?
We have.
Ten, nine, eight,
seven, six, five,
four, three,
two, one!
Happy New Year!
...be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Happy New Year.
Should auld acquaintance
Be forgot
For the sake
Of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear
For auld lang syne
We'll take a cup
Of kindness yet
For the sake
Of auld lang syne
I forgot to check.
Look.
Goodnight.
Ooh.
Bloody zip.
Bastard tyrannical dress people.
I've got it.
Thank you.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year.
I could go back to
The old place
And write your name
On every blank page
But it's a story now
Just a story now
Just the kind of thing that
You'd say
They say no need to
Look behind me
That I can keep you
Here beside me
To make a mess of it
To make the best of it
It isn't perfect
But it might be
There's a lot of ground
To cover
One foot and then the other
On my way, my way
To somewhere new
A few false starts
Can you forgive this
Cautious car and just bear with it
While it does what
I thought it couldn't do
I could go back to
The old place
And write your name
On every blank page
But it's a story now
Just a story now
Just the kind of thing that
You'd say
They say no need to
Look behind me
That I can keep you
Here beside me
To make a mess of it
To make the best of it
It isn't perfect
But it might be
Mmm
Treading lightly
Thinking slightly
It just might be
It just might be
Treading lightly
Thinking slightly
It just might be
It just might be
It just might be
Oh, I can go back to
The old place
And write your name
On every blank page
But it's a story now
Just a story now
Just the kind of thing that
You'd say
That there's no need to
Look behind me
That I can keep you
Here beside me
To make a mess of it
To make the best of it
It isn't perfect
But it might be
Like it might be
Like it might be
Whoo, whoo
Might be, might be
Might be
"Have you met Miss Jones?"
Someone said as
We shook hands
She was just Miss Jones
To me
And then I said
"Miss Jones
You're a girl
Who understands
I'm a man
Who must be free"
And all at once
I lost my breath
And all at once
Was scared to death
And all at once
I owned the earth and sky
And now I've met Miss Jones
And we'll keep on meeting
'til we die
Miss Jones and I
Whoa, fellas
And all at once
I lost my breath
And all at once
Was scared to death
And all at once
I owned the earth and sky
Now I've met Miss Jones
And we'll keep on meeting
'til we die
Miss Jones and I
Miss Jones and I
Miss Jones and I
Miss Jones and I
Ha!