Bright Young Things (2003) Movie Script
Nina!
Miles!
Adam not back yet?
What?
Adam! Not back yet?
Any day now!
Isn't this too dull?
I've never been more bored in my life!
Drink?
I'd kill for a martini.
Spot of absinth?
Yes, at least a spot.
I know you, don't I?
Lord Balcairn, how are you?
Very well. I know you,
but I don't know you.
Simon! It's been the longest age.
Business or pleasure?
Business of pleasure.
Adam not back yet?
Any day, poor lamb.
I'll just...
Who's your ferrety friend?
Lord knows!
What a foul party, though, eh?
Isn't it?
I was just saying to Miles
I don't think I've ever been
so frantically bored in my life!
Miles's here?
He's supposed to be fetching me a drink.
Now, dear, he really should be
more discreet.
I've just remembered where I've seen
that man before. He's a bloody photo rat.
Let's get him!
A rat! A rat! Let's get him!
A bloody photo rat!
Keep your hand still.
Not too hard. Not too hard!
Justy, you're such a coward!
I don't feel so well. I think I'm...
Oh, you're disgusting!
Madames et monsieurs, bienvenues
au le Port du Dover!
Did you see that steward?
He was winking at me.
He was not!
Cassidy! Piony! Endeavour! This minute!
Yes Mrs Ape.
Come on, come on!
Is that your case, sir?
Just some very old clothes
and some books.
Books, eh?
What sort of books, may I ask?
Fortitude, I forbid you to bounce!
He's against books,
the Home Secretary is.
If we can't stamp out literature
in our own country,
we can at least stop its being brought in.
Hello, hello!
What's this?
That's a book, too.
The one I've just written.
You're name's Sue, is it?
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
That's a pseudonim.
Sue De Nimes.
I can read, thank you very much.
No, you don't understand. It's sort of
a joke. Sue De Nimes - pseudonim.
Nome de plume.
What's this?
Vomit.
There was an accident.
You come along with me. Briggs!
Sir.
I really must catch the train.
There are worse things than
missing trains, young Susie.
You hideous beasts!
You ghastly savages!
Book, sir.
Goes by the name of Susie.
Well, now, what's this about books?
They're just books.
I'll be the judge of that, thank you.
Oh, Adam, darling!
Hello, Agatha.
I never saw you on the boat.
I can't even tell you the things that
have been happening to me in there.
The way they looked.
Too, too shaming.
Positively surgical, my dear.
And such wicked old women!
I shall ring up every cabinet minister
and all the newspapers
and give them the most
shy making details.
Let's find the train.
No, I've got troubles of my own.
Well, now, you can take these books.
And the dictionary.
Minus this page,
thank you very much.
But this Bright young things, that's just
downright dirt and is marked for burning.
What? There isn't a word in the book...
You must be misinterpreting...
I know dirt when I see it.
Or I shouldn't be where I am today.
Do you realise that my whole livelihood
depends on that book?
I've already been paid for it.
And my livelihood depends on keeping
filth like that out of the country.
Archie Shwert is giving a lovely
party tonight
so we simply must catch the next train
or I shan't have the chance to dress
Archie who?
Oh, you poor things! Have you've
been waiting here all this time?
I don't know what Lord Monomark
is gonna say.
Suppose he'll want his money back.
The press is getting altogether
too bothersome.
Except when they aren't.
Now, you won't forget to come
to Archie Shwert's party?
Well, I've got to get to my hotel...
You're not still staying at Shepherd's,
are you, darling?
So many little people...
What can they all do with their lives?
When are you and Nina going to
get married?
I have just the trousers to wear,
only you won't do it.
Well, I'm not sure we'd be able to.
Just here will be fine. Thank you, driver.
Darling, if you don't marry her soon,
someone else will, and that will never do.
Take the lady out to Berkley Street and
drop my luggage off at Shepherd's hotel,
St. James'.
Right, sir.
Bye, darling. See you at Archie's.
Wild scenes at the party!
Shocking pictures!
Shocking pictures!
Great Mr. Chatterbox!
Great Mr Chatterbox!
Chatterbox kills all!
Shocking pictures!
Shocking pictures!
London, Adam, there is no place
like it on God's green earth.
Yep, quite a city.
For the first twenty years of my life
the biggest town I ever saw
or hoped to see was Nassacity, Manitoba.
Population:1.230 souls.
Now, here I am, prince of the greatest
metropolis the world has ever known.
Gives a man a think, wouldn't you say?
Certainly.
Certainly...
You're right there, Adam.
Certainly.
Now, I believe you owe me a book.
A little late in delivery?
Ah, well now, the customs
confiscated it.
Now, see here, you owe me
one hundred pounds or one book.
Well, I suppose I could write it again.
Was it good?
Well, you know...
Don't ever believe English modesty is
charming. It's irritating, it's what it is.
It was exceptionally good.
What is it with you people?
I have plenty of you working for me.
Lord Balcairn, a genuine earl,
does my gossip for me
under the name Mr. Chatterbox.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know.
A friend of yours, I suppose.
Bright young things,
that was the title, right?
Tearing the lid of the young,
idle and rich?
My readers can't get enough
of that kind of thing, Mr Symes.
I put Signor Mussolini on the front
page, nobody buys a copy.
Put a picture of one of your set in a night
club and can't print enough copies.
Are you a butterfly or a bee?
Excuse me?
Do you wanna flirt around,
looking pretty, doing nothing
or do you wanna make honey?
I can't figure you out.
Your father worked for a living.
Greek professor, wasn't he?
Well, professor of Greek,
rather than a Greek professor.
Never get cute with someone
you owe money to.
What do you wanna do with your life?
Win the Nobel prize? Raise children?
Smoke a pipe?
Climb mountains? Fly airplanes? Find
a cure to influenza? Govern India?
Hell, God gave you two legs
and an immortal soul
in the capital city of the largest
empire the world has ever seen!
Are you gonna spend it eating
plover's eggs and sucking up cocktails?
Miss Blount's residence.
Hello?
May I speak to Miss Blount, please?
I'll just see if she's in.
Who's speaking, please?
Adam Symes.
Oh, Adam...
How are you, Nina?
Well I've got rather a pain,
just at present then.
Oh, Nina... Why were you
putting on a voice?
Thought you might be Madame Durrock.
I owe her for some hats.
Welcome home, my darling,
where are you?
Fleet Street. Darling, there was rather
a disaster at customs.
Yes, I know, Agatha called me.
She said they simply stripped her.
No, no, not that.
Something awful happened to me.
You too?
Were they horribly intimate?
Let's meet at Archie Shwert's party
and you can tell me all about it.
Who is this Archie Shwert?
Oh, someone new. Rather vulgar,
but very rich.
If you are coming, don't dress up,
no one will.
Except Archie, which is always
too funny.
Nina, I don't know
how to say this, but...
I don't think I shall be able
to marry you after all.
Oh... Adam, you are a bore.
Why not?
They confiscated my book.
Beasts! Who did?
I'll tell you about it tonight.
Yes, do. Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, my sweet.
Shepherd's hotel, St. James', please.
Actually, I think I'll walk.
Tighten the try through, fairy princess.
And don't let me catch you wearing
that scent again!
Well, you are a stranger.
Hello, Lottie.
Welcome back.
How's your father?
Dead?
Oy, fella'!
Mr. Fenwick-Symes' post,
if you please.
I don't know, I should
let her go, really.
She's wearing Nuit de Noel,
would you believe.
Thank you, Basilio.
Is pleasure.
We'd given you up for dead, dear?
How was Monte Carlo?
Cannes.
Same thing.
We kept your room for you.
I expect you're ready
to pay your little bill now?
Well, as a matter of fact...
Come on in.
We were just thinking about having
a little drink.
Now, let me introduce you.
That's Mr What's-his-name.
And over there in the corner
That's the Major.
And that's an American judge
and there's the king of Pomoralia.
Anatolia, actually.
But, alas, no longer.
Poor chap, it's a shame.
They gave him the boot after the war.
Hasn't got a penny.
It's true, they steal my throne.
There now...
My godfather, the good archduke of
Austria, gave me one time
gold fountain pen with eagles on him.
I loved well my gold fountain pen
and then there was liberal minister,
one man of exceeding evilness.
He come to talk with me and thump!
Talk too much about some things
I not understand and when he gone...
Where was my gold fountain
pen with eagles on him?
Gone also!
Damn shame, sire.
A damn shame.
There now...
How about a drink?
Here...
Bet you can't do this.
Four coins.
One in each corner.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there. Oh, three there!
Oh, four!
Four coins, all in a corner.
There you are.
I'll do it again if you like.
Who's a clever boy?
Where did they teach you that then?
Chap on a train showed me.
It didn't look very hard.
Just you try.
Bet anything you like you can't do it.
How much will you bet?
Anything you like.
Five hundred pounds?
Go on, you do it.
He's got lots of money.
All right.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Three there.
Four there.
There.
I'll be jiggered. Never seen anyone
do it like that before.
I've won a lot of money this week
with that trick.
Here you are.
Well, there's a thing. I'll expect you'll
like to buy everyone a drink now.
Certainly.
Toss you for it. Double or quits.
Best of three.
Very well.
Heads.
It is.
Call again.
Heads.
Well, I'm jiggered.
You are a lucky chap.
Hello?
Nina, it's Adam.
Darling, it's all right about
our getting married.
I've got a thousand pounds.
But, angel, how?
I'll tell you about it when we meet.
What would you all do if
you had a thousand pounds?
Me, I would buy me one gold pen.
With eagles on him.
I know what I'd do.
I'd put it on a horse.
What horse?
I'd tell you unlikely outside of a
November Handicap.
Indian Runner has a 20:1 in odds
of lengthen.
If you put a thousand pounds on it
to win and it did,
you'd be rich, wouldn't you?
Yes, so I would.
Well, give me the thousand
and I'll fix it.
All right.
Why not?
Sound investment.
Have a drink.
By all means.
Darling, I've got a very important
question to ask.
Do you know of a horse
called Indian Runner?
Oh, quite the worst sort of horse.
Mary and Miles' mother owns it.
It's not likely to win the November handicap?
Quite sure that's a no.
Why?
Oh, bother it, Nina!
I don't think I shall be able
to marry you after all.
You see, I put that thousand pounds
on Indian Runner to win.
Well, that was silly.
Can't you get it back?
That's a good point.
I'll see.
I didn't hear the dinner gong at all.
Where's that fairy princess?
Lottie, where's the major?
What major?
I never saw a major.
The one you introduced me to.
How did you know he was a major?
You said he was.
Dear child, I've never seen him
before in my life.
We must all go up to dinner.
I shall go up with you, king.
I'm not feeling very hungry,
to be honest.
In fact, I'm feeling a little...
You hurry through to the gentlemen's!
The last man to be sick on that carpet
was king Edward VII
and he ate before, I can tell you.
By the way, why didn't you tell me
it was fancy dress-up?
I feel such a prune.
I forgot.
No, you didn't.
My dear!
Oh, look, Agatha!
Usually worth a couple of paragraphs,
but my editor's got her on the front page
tomorrow, anyway.
Customs nonsense.
And Adam's back.
Not that he's worth a mention.
Look, there's Simon and Van.
Writing about us, I bet.
Hope they write something nice.
You know Van described me as England's
premiere party animal last week honestly?
There! That's Adam Symes.
He looks so dashing.
Everyone looks dashing, don't they?
Dashing is the new thing.
Oh I wish I was as sophisticated
as Agatha Ransable.
You know it takes a little titanium on
the cheek and a little less eyebrow.
I can pluck them for you if you like.
Really?
Really really?
Oh, would you?
Can't believe I let them drag me
from the customs like that.
Now, I've got Lottie's bill to pay
and we can't get married.
There's always my papa. I believe
he's much richer than he looks.
I'll ask him to give us some money.
You must be Adam?
Archie Shwert.
Such a wonderous party, Archie.
Why, aren't you clever!
You should certainly win the
costume prize.
Adam, you hideous ass, that's how
Archie always dresses at parties.
Orchid. Stop. New paragraph.
Simon. Coma. The Earl Balcairn. Coma.
Dressed as the most unconvincing
Duke of Wellington.
As in boots, yes.
Yes. Might be worth sending
a few photographers over.
How, too dreary, they're like
flies, aren't they?
I think they're after Agatha.
You know, her father made the most
crashing speech about customs officers
in the House of Lords this evening.
Several bishops burst into tears,
apparently.
That dreadful Simon Balcairn!
I certainly tipped him off.
Where are we going?
Half past three.
Lottie will be closing now.
How about the Ritz?
Oh talk sense, dear.
It's not while I'm dressed
like this.
I'd say my house, only I've lost my
key. It's just too bogus of me.
Why don't we all go on to my house?
So that's agreed then. You can go
up to Dowting tomorrow
and I'll wire daddy and tell him
you're coming.
Will he like me, do you think?
Well, how couldn't he with you being
so sweet and everything?
Why can't you come, too?
I already told you I have a pain.
Bacon and eggs, everybody!
Champagne!
Had to be the oddest house.
Do you think there are any glasses?
I just don't know where daddy
keeps them.
Such a bore, darling.
So sorry, darling.
Well, it is rather ferous drinking from
decanters, after all.
What strange ancesters you have,
Jane. All so serious-looking.
It's as if they're gazing into my soul
and finding something rather horrid.
Well, they probably are.
I say, Mary, what do you know of
your mother's horse Indian Runner?
Oh, Adam, don't even think about
it. Mommy says he's a donkey.
Do you know Jane Brown?
How do you do, Miss Brown?
So sweet of you to have us all round.
Oh, no, such a pleasure.
I often...
Do have some bacon.
Thank you.
I say, Jane, it will be all right me
staying here tonight, won't it?
You be my latchkey.
It'll be fine, Agatha darling.
Quite fine.
Do you have a piaano, dear?
I have a strange longing to play
something crimson and obscene
by Bissoni.
Or a rague. Do let's have a rague!
I'm not sure.
My father's asleep upstairs.
He might...
Oh... How boring.
I saw some creme de menthe
in the kitchen.
What good's creme de menthe, child,
when I wanted a piano?
Only, the piano's on the first floor...
I don't suppose anyone has
some naughty salt?
We must go.
There might be some in the kitchen.
But the bacon's...
No, dear, naughty salt!
Mother might just have some
in her compact.
Miles is being beastly in upsetting
poor Jane.
Besides, you've got to look all pretty
and frisky for my papa.
And how was Mr Shwert's dance, Jane?
Did you have a good time?
It was just too divine!
It was what, Jane?
I mean...
It was lovely, mama.
I say, mama...
I asked a girl to stay the night.
What an extraordinary thing to do!
Did she accept?
Yes!
She's here now.
Morning, all!
The right room at last!
Do you know I popped in to a
study or something?
There was a sweet old boy
sitting at a desk.
He did look surprised to see me.
Was it your papa?
And this is mama.
How are you? I say, I think it's simply
too sweet of you to let me come down
to breakfast like this. Are you sure
you're not furious with me?
All of this is really much more
embarrassing for me, isn't it?
Don't you think?
Or don't you?
Would you like to help yourself?
Martha! The most extraordinary
thing!
Must be losing my reason. I was
in my study just now...
Just going over my speech and then
suddenly the door opened
and in came some sort of
dancing hottentot woman.
And it just said: "Ew, how shy making!"
and then disappeared and I turned...
Oh...
How do you do?
And this is my husband.
I don't think you've met before.
Only for a second
Martha never told us we were
having guests.
Forgive me if I appeared a little
inhospitable.
Why doesn't somebody say
something?
Oh, look Monocle!
Jimmy Vanburgh's column!
Who's got the front page?
Midnight orgies at No. 10, it says.
What a scream!
Shall I read it to you?
At about 4 A.M. the policeman
posted outside the Prime Minister's
residence was surprised to witness...
Isn't this too amusing?
the arrival in Downing Street of a
fleet of taxis from which emerged
a gay throng in exotic fancy dress.
How I should have loved to
have seen it! Can you imagine?
The amongstly present was the
honurable Agatha Rans...
Oh, that's me...
What an extraordinary thing!
Oh...
Oh, my God...
Begging your pardon, sir James...
Mrs Proudford wants to know
why there is talcum powder
on the table in the cabinet room.
Talcum powder? In the cabinet room?
It looks like talcum powder
but it doesn't smell of it, sir.
Mrs Proudford was wondering
if it might be anarchist gunpowder
and should we send for the army?
Oh, dear, this is really
all too shaffling. I think, perhaps...
Don't see me out. I shall write
the tenderest thank you letter,
I promise.
Disgusting!
Absolutely disgusting!
They need a good bloody war,
if you ask me.
Excuse me?
That lot.
Jiggeding and jazzing about
like Mexican beans.
A sound of guns and
a smell of gas.
That would soon stop all that.
Disgusting!
I should imagine it is.
What?
The sound of guns and the smell of gas.
I should imagine it is disgusting.
No. Them!
Ah!
Parasites!
Is Dowting much further?
About half a mile.
Chitty and oil fifteen bob.
Don't ring twice!
What do you want?
Good afternoon. Is Mr Blount home?
There's no Mr Blount here.
This is colonel Blount's house.
I'm sorry, I think the colonel is
expecting me to lunch.
Nonsense! I'm colonel Blount.
Yes?
Would you mind awfully if I just
telephoned the station for a taxi cab?
I'm not on the telephone.
Why don't you come in? It's absurd
to walk to the station in this.
Fifteen miles, for God's sake!
Are you mad?
Come about the vacuum cleaner,
have you?
No.
Hang your hat and coat here.
I hope you haven't got wet.
Shame you didn't bring
your vacuum cleaner.
Can't be helped.
How are you?
Do sit down. I must read this cable. I've
quite forgotten, it came this morning.
Oh, dear.
Don't think me discourteous but I'm
affraid it's impossible for me
to ask you to luncheon. I've a guest
coming on intimate family business.
It's some young rascal who
wants to marry my daughter.
Well, I want to marry your daughter, too.
What an extraordinary thing.
Are you sure?
Perhaps the telegram is about me.
What does it say?
Engaged to marry Adam Symes.
Expect luncheon. Nina.
Are you Adam Symes?
Yes.
But why didn't say so before?
Instead of going on about vacuum cleaners.
How are you?
Mrs Florid, lay a plate for Mr...
Symes.
Symes!
Better give him his own decanter, Mrs F.
Coffee pot up and down all the time.
So you're the young fool who's
gonna marry my daughter?
I very much hope so, sir.
How much money have you got?
Well, had a thousand pounds last night.
I gave it all to a drunken major.
Why did you do that for?
Well, I hoped he would put it on
Indian Runner.
November handicap.
Never heard of the animal.
When will you next have some money?
When I've written some books.
You see, I owe Lord Monomark.
For an advance and untill
I get it written I rather hoped...
Well, we rather hoped
that you might help us.
How can I help you? I've never
written a book in my life!
No, we...
Wrote a letter to the Times once.
Never published.
We thought that...
Well that you might give us
some money.
You thought that, did you?
I think that is an admirable idea.
I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.
How much do you want?
Well, you know...
Would a thousand pounds be any help?
Yes, it would. Indeed.
We'd both be terribly grateful.
Not at all, my dear boy.
What was your name again?
Adam Symes.
Fenwick-Symes.
Knew a Fenwick-Symes at Oxford.
My father.
He wasted all his money on horses, too.
Or was it women?
No!
Books!
Nina!
Nina!
Darling?
Why are you dancing like that?
Nina, I'm so excited!
Why, what's happened?
Everything! I'll tell you in the car.
Lottie at the hotel has lent me some
money, so I've hired a car.
What have you done, darling?
Do stop dancing about!
I can't stop.
Adam, sit tight.
Look out of the window and see if you
can see a limousin waiting.
I don't know what you have been up to
and I will be told!
My dear, a thousand pounds!
Did my papa give you that?
Darling, I'm not dressed for dinner.
I'll look after this cheque. Poor Adam.
Why do you say that?
I don't know. I say, what a grand car!
Nina, why did you say poor Adam?
I dont know.
Where to, sir?
I don't know. Um...
Chichester.
Oh, darling, not Chichester. It's
sure to be full of Chichester people.
Brighton.
Do be serious!
They say Arundel is very pleasant
this time of the year, sir.
Arundel! What fun!
All right, then. Arundel.
We'll be married tomorrow. And we
won't ask anybody to the wedding.
Oh, blast!
What is it?
I forgot Balcairn is taking me
to lunch tomorrow.
We're gonna have to wait till the
afternoon to marry.
Simon, whatever for?
He'll take you to Chez Espinosa
and you won't get a thing to drink.
Oh, I don't know. He wants a favour.
Help. Writing Mr Chatterbox probably.
Oh, but I can't possibly marry you
in the afternoon either.
I'm having my hair done. You can't have
forgotten it's Margo's party tomorrow.
I don't believe you really think we
are going to get married, Nina, do you?
Well, do you?
Yes. I just...
I don't know. I just...
I don't believe that really divine things
like that ever do happen.
I don't know why.
Oh, I do like you so much tonight.
We'll send the car back at Arundel
and get a nice early train in the morning.
Oh, darling, am I going to be seduced?
I'm affraid you are.
Do you mind terribly?
Not as much as not to let it.
And you said really divine things
didn't happen?
I didn't think it was at all divine.
It's given me a pain.
And now that it's morning, I've got
something horrid to tell you.
I don't think anything can ever be
horrid ever again.
It's about that cheque
my papa gave you.
Don't thnk it's going to help
as much as you thought.
Well, it's a thousand pounds, isn't it?
Just look at it, my sweet.
I don't see anything wrong...
Oh, good lord, the old fool
signed it Charlie Chaplin.
That's what I mean, darling.
When did you notice the signature?
As soon as you showed to me
last night.
Only you looked so happy dancing
about in my flat all by yourself,
I didn't like to say anything.
The old devil!
Anyway, at least you've had some fun
out of it, haven't you? Or haven't you?
Haven't you?
Darling, I've never hated anything
so much in my life. Still....
As long as you enjoyed it,
that's something.
Charlie Chaplin, eh?
That's rather priceless.
I don't suppose I could use that
in my column?
No, certainly not.
No, thought not.
Look, I hope you don't mind coming here.
The truth is, I get meals for free if I
mention them occasionally in my page.
Not... not drinks, unfortunately.
Alfons, who's here?
Yes, not a bad list.
I'll see who I can mention.
Thank you, my lord.
Would you like a table?
Cocktail?
No, I don't think I want a cocktail.
I haven't really time.
Would you like a cocktail, Adam?
They're not really good here.
No, thanks.
Are you sure?
They always stick me at this bloody table.
The lager beer is rather good.
The lager will be perfect.
Two small glasses of lager, please.
Certainly, sir.
Oh, look, there's Brown, isn't it?
The Prime Minister, just leaving.
Yes, I rather think it is.
Wonder if he's going to resign
after the other night.
It's bloody typcal of Vanburgh to get that
juicy story about Agatha in Downing St.
I mean, why couldn't Miles have
tipped me off instead?
Just because I wouldn't let him...
You know... In Oxford.
God, what a cat Miles is.
Adam...
His mother's got a party tonight,
hasn't she?
For that evangelist Mrs Melrose Ape.
Are you going?
I think. Probably.
Adam, I'll tell you a very odd thing.
Margo hasn't sent me an invitation.
Why not?
Apparently she's in a rage about
that picture of Miles in my column
and all those nasty hints even though
I had nothing, nothing to do with it.
People do take things so seriously.
Adam, I tell you, it means ruin.
Isn't that Pamela Poppum?
I haven't the faintest idea.
I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure it is. Now, tell
me, is that what they call a cloche hat?
I've got into terrible trouble the other
day about hats.
The editor was raving.
Ruin!
I mean, Margo's invited Jimmy
Vanbrough, of course, I guess.
Van's a cousin, isn't he?
But it's so damned unfair!
All my cousins are in lunatic asylums or
else they live in the country
and do indelicate things with wild animals.
If I miss this party I might as well
put an end to it all.
I'm sure if Margo only knew
how much it meant to me,
she wouldn't mind my coming.
Nobody invites me anywhere now.
I'll tell you what,
I know Margo pretty well.
Why don't I ring her up
and ask if you could come?
Would you?
Would you, Adam?
Nothing.
Really, I can't understand
what the young see in this.
These new crazes
are simply inexplicable.
Hello?
Margo, it's Adam.
Adam, darling! Now, don't tell me
you're going to cry off.
No, I just wondered if I can
bring someone with me?
Well, I really don't think you can.
I can't imagine how everyone
is going to get in as it is.
No, Justy, darling, not red.
Not at your age.
It suggests all the wrong things,
don't you feel?
I'm terribly sorry, Adam.
Who were you thinking of bringing?
Simon Balcairn.
He's terribly anxious to come.
Yes, I dare say he is. I'm rather
against that young man at the moment.
Oh, heavens!
No, you can't bring Simon.
He's been writing things in the papers.
Things about my son Miles
which are beastly.
Please, Margo?
Certainly not!
I won't have it inside my house.
I only asked Vanbrough on the
strictest understanding
that he doesn't write a word about it.
Mrs Ape will be addressing
everybody about Jesus.
It could all be too shriekworthy
a disaster to think of.
Absoluetly not!
Simon of all people!
You needn't tell me. I can tell.
Two of my butterflies at once!
Got your invitation to Lady Makland's
ball tonight, Balcairn?
Of course, lord Monomark.
You've been scooped by Vanbrough's
Lord Monocle column too often.
Maybe I should give Chatterbox
to Symes here.
He owes me.
I assure yiu, lord Monomark...
Be careful who you write about.
I'll be there myself.
Oh, God.
I'm done for.
Oh, poor Simon. I hope he doesn't
do something desperate.
He's so tense about everything.
Well, you know why.
Why?
He's lonely.
He's been in love with you
for years.
Love... All this fuss about love
and sleeping together.
For physical pleasure I'd sooner
visit my dentist any day.
It isn't so bad though, is it?
What?
Love.
Well, perhaps it's a thing
one can grow to be fond of in time.
Like olives, I suppose.
Or talking pictures.
Still, it gives me pain and I doubt
it's worth it.
See, angels come down
from heaven to bless us.
Who's that with a beard?
A beard? How very odd.
Ladies and gentlemen!
We're very lucky to have with us,
freshly from her tour of Europe,
Miss...
I'm so sorry.
Her salvation tour of Europe.
Mrs Melrose Ape and her
Angels of the Glad New Day.
Girls, Ain't no flies!
Forgive me, gentlemen.
That man with a beard.
Do you know him?
Gives me something Foreign Office.
Sure I've seen him somewhere before.
Exactly.
Prime Minister, there are
spies everywhere.
I think it would be better
if we watched him.
He looks Slavonic.
Yes, hello?
Central 4000, please.
Yes.
Hello!
Didn't know you were here, father.
I just thought I'd use the telephone.
Goodbye.
Stay exactly where you are!
And take off that beard.
Damned if I do!
Take off that beard!
Well if you will make
such a thing about it.
It hurts frightfully, too, if you knew.
There!
Now I think you should go and make
Lady Thring take of her wig
while your about it.
I seem to have overestimated
the gravity of the situation.
Who is this?
Where are my detectives?
That is Mr Chatterbox.
Never heard of him.
Don't believe there is such a person.
He's clearly a Bolshevik spy.
Lord Balcairn, will you kindly
leave my house immediately?
My wife has made it...
Lord what?
Is this young man called Chatterbox
or is he not?
Lord Monomark is here this evening.
I shall certainly inform him
of your behaviour.
He writes for the papers.
Oh, god, not another.
There's a conspiracy.
You're a disgrace to democracy, sir.
Europe is going up in flames and all you
can do is info-talk of your zone to
my home to distress
my wife and family.
In another age I would have had you
horse-whipped and a styps in your club.
I've been forced to resign because
of you and your kind!
Gentlemen.
Prime Minister.
Good night.
I sincerely appo...
Oh, to hell with you all!
Brothers and sisters...
Just you look at yourselves.
Look inside yourselves.
Deep, deep inside yourselves
beyond the glister of your parties
and the saucy blaze of your jewels.
What a damned impudent woman!
Impudent, am I?
Is it impudence to look upon sin and
call it by its rightful name?
Impudence to gaze upon Babylon
and shriek down curses?
Impudence to look upon your souls and
see nothing but a black empty void?
Beautiful young people.
That's what they call you.
Beautiful young people, well...
One out of three ain't bad, I guess.
I say, that's rather good.
Why won't you listen?
The lives you lead aren't real lives.
The steps you dance are the Devil's.
Thank you Mrs Ape for
a most pricing talk.
Operater.
Hello? Central 4000, please.
Central 4000.
Hello? Balcairn here.
Do you want to speak to Social,
my lord?
No, no, I don't want Social...
I want News.
News, my lord?
Are you sure you don't want Social?
No. Yes. News.
News.
Connecting you.
Thank you.
Hello?
News, sir.
Hello. Balcairn here.
Stick one of the boys on
to take this down, will you?
The most shocking orgy since the
days of Sodome and Gomora
rocked society last night.
Hold the presses.
Get down to compositing.
Now!
The vulgar evangelist Mrs Melrose Ape
proudly revealed that her angels
were no more than underage adornments
on sale to the highest bidder.
Meanwhile, tears coursing down her face,
the honourable Agatha Ransable
whose repulsive liaison with the Prime
Minister shocked the nation this week,
bewailed her, quote, ruined bogus
vapid bogus and worthless life, unquote.
Yes, two boguses.
Lady Makland, shrieking of her terrible
dependancy upon cocaine powder
threw off her Schiaparelli ball gown
and stood naked upon the dance floor
an example quickly followed
by old and young alike
until only the servants remained
clothed.
A grotesquely hairy Archie Shwert
swing naked from the chandelier
screamed that all his money derived
from prostitution and the opium trade.
Lady Makland's son Miles howled and
howled and confessed to an intimate
beastliness involving five guardsmen
of the royal household
two mareens and a brick layer
from Hadersfield.
Nina Blount...
Nina Blount...
grasped her stomach,
screamed she was a whore,
and misquoted several lines
of lady Macbeth
whilst Adam Fenwick-Symes cried
on heaven to bear witness
to his talentless penury and
hopeless illiteracy.
Never, never, never have such scenes
been witnessed in high society.
That uneasy alliance between bright
young things and old survivors.
Perhaps this was the defining moment of
our epoque of speed and syncopation,
this so-called 20th century of angst,
neuroses and panic.
Reader, be glad that you have
nothing to do with this world.
Its glamour is a delusion,
its speed a snare,
its music a scream of fear.
Faster and faster they swirled,
sickening themselves with every turn
The faster the ride, the greater the
nausia, the terror, the shame. Stop.
Yes, that's it.
Goodnight.
Poking, have you?
Have you seen it?
Of course I want to sue!
I want to sue, too.
I want to sue you, Margo,
I want to sue Monomark,
I want to sue this whole
damn country!
How much?! Am I covered?
I don't know, insurance against
acts of God, or acts of aristocrats!
He was insane.
He was upper-class.
He was English, for Christ's sake!
You know why I sent for you?
I need a new Mr Chatterbox
and you owe me.
After this, sir, you're gonna have to
close the column down.
Are you crazy? We sold a hundred
thousand extra copies this morning.
I've had new advertisers on the
telephone since 9 o'clock.
No, no, the hysteria I can handle.
And you're part of it.
You take the initiative,
make a story out of it.
The first thing we do
is you write a piece.
The last of the Balcairns!
Pitch it strong.
You knew the boy.
He was my friend.
Friend? Don't hand me that, son.
I'm offering you 15 pounds a week,
he was only getting 10.
Next year, when you finish your
book, it will be greated with great
critical acclaim by all my newspapers.
And don't forget!
I'm chairmen of the Montreal literary
prize.
Award-winning writer,
Adam Symes.
Sound good?
Meanwhile, you'll be getting
expenses.
Go to all the parties, race meetings,
and balls, you'll be going to anyway.
The real trouble is I'm not allowed
to write about anyone
who was at Margo's last night.
I mean, half of them are suing.
and the other half have only agreed
not to on the condition that their name
never appear in the column.
You could always make them up,
I suppose.
Make them up?
Half the people in the papers
one's never heard of, anyway.
Soldiers and explorers and painters
and composers and authors
Why not invent some new ones?
Say, that might be rather something.
We can have...
the beautiful... Imogen Quest.
Heiress, adventuress, absinth drinker...
Drug-addicted and insatiable lesbian.
I can't write that!
You could imply it.
You're right!
So, Imogen Quest and
how about...
The sinister count...
Zeldorf!
Nudist and...
Yodler!
I say, this could be rather fun!
I can even make up fashions!
If I can get Archie Shwert to wear
suede shoes by the end of the month,
you can call me Deirdre in public.
Yellow suede shoes.
Darling, you're a genius!
And green bowler hats.
Social, please.
Symes here.
Copy!
To Manchester races tomorrow
for the November handicap. Stop.
Oh, my dears, this is the this
most of them all.
To Manchester races tomorrow
for the November handicap.
Count Zeldorf, now romantically linked
to the man-hating Imogen Quest,
Tiger, darling, feet off the table, I think.
Is expected to be there in one of
the new green bowler hats
sweeping society.
Green bowler hat?
Imagine!
Imogen Quest? Everyone's
going on about her.
I don't believe there is such a person.
Archie told me you've met her,
didn't you, Archie?
Imogen?
Known her for years.
It's cold and windy and I'm bored!
Prentise, pack everyhing up, lazy chap!
Sir.
We have to collect my winnings.
Nina! I believe you know
who Chatterbox is.
No, really, I don't. Do I, Adam?
No, haven't a clue.
For all I know, it could be you, Miles.
Oh, if only!
I so need the money. Oh, by the way!
By the way, I do hope you're all
going to come and see Tiger here
and his darling little racing car
winning the RMS trophy next week!
Oh, I say, can we?
I dare say I can get you in.
But can we be, how do you say?
Backstage?
You'll have to pretend to be mechanics.
Only officials are allowed in the pit.
Oh, Adam, let's go!
I love cars!
You look far too pretty to be
a fast driver, Tiger.
Oh, dear, is that an awful thing to say?
Darling, he's not called tiger for nothing.
Behind the wheel this cherub
becomes a demon!
Follow mother!
Oh, such laughs!
Let's drive about.
You can drive us back to London.
Prentise can make his way by train,
can't you Prentise?
Sir.
Well, let's go back now then
before it gets dark.
Nina!
What, darling?
That voice!
Never mind. Look,
I have to stay, really.
Mr Chatterbox.
The big race is coming up.
Well, I'll stick with you then, darling.
We can get down by train.
Too much Agatha and too much Miles
are just, well,
Too much.
Whereas too much me is...
Not nearly enough.
I say, look! There's someone
actually in a green bowler.
Where?
There.
Oh, lord!
Who should I bet on for the
November handicap?
You're late, love.
You're under orders.
Oh...
Nina...
Yes, angel boy?
It's not really enough to get married
on, is it, 15 pounds a week?
Suppose you could always see
papa again...
Now that you're a successful journalist
he might take you more seriously.
Oh, dear!
What?
Number seven is not so unbearable.
Number seven?
It's Indian Runner!
Thirty to one! Who's ever heard of
Indian bloody Runner?
Oh my god, I was right!
Thirty three thousand pounds...
My major!
My bloody major!
Darling?
Look, Adam, this is Ginger!
We used to play as children and
he's been planting tea in Ceylon
and I haven't seen him for simply years,
isn't that a thing?
Danny Littlejohn. Only, I say, do
call me Ginger, everybody does.
Hang on.
Don't I know you, though?
Shepherd's hotel.
You did a coin trick.
Why, dash me twice! Your friend
won a thousan pounds off me.
Clever fellow.
That thousand pounds should now be
thirty-four thousand. Do you remember
me giving it to a drunken major?
Yeah, you won't see him for dust.
Thought so at the time, didn't like to say.
I know old majors. Yeah, they
stick at the ground in Colombo.
Don't pay their bridge debts,
famous for it.
Bad luck! Look, I don't know about you
two but I'm just about fed up with racing.
Why don't you come back to town
with me? My bus is parked outside.
I'll just settle up here.
Oh, Adam, let's.
Pots, darling, simply pots.
Gold coming out of his ears.
I thought we were gonna stay up here
and see your father.
Look, why don't you stay up and you
can see my papa in the morning
and then we can dine together tomorrow
night and you can tell me all about it?
I've got bags to catch up with old Ginger here.
Come on, then!
What about tomorrow's Mr Chatterbox?
I can't very well write about
a night in a Manchester hotel
and a visit to your father, can I?
Well, why don't I write it for you?
I'll be in London.
I know just the kind of things you say.
All right. I'll wire tonight's through to
the paper and you can do tomorrow's.
Deuce bit of luck running into you,
old girl!
Blast, I don't know anyone in the old world now.
I've been sitting around Shepherd's,
bored as a gherkin. Beware behind!
Symes!
Bye, Adam!
Good afternoon, lord Monomark.
I was hoping to see you here.
Wanted a word.
Now see here, Symes, I like your page.
It's peppy.
Lots of new names. It's got intimate
touch, which I like.
I read it every day.
So does my daughter.
We haven't had one single libel action
since you took over. Which is fine.
Now, what's all this about
bottle green bowlers?
Well, I... There are only
a limited number at present.
You got one?
Let me see a green bowler.
I don't actually wear one myself.
Well, where have you been seing them?
I haven't seen one of them.
Well, there was a young man here earlier.
One swallow does not a summer make.
Nor one hat a fad.
And another thing.
Count Zeldorf.
I don't say he doesn't exist.
But ambassador Von Ribbentrop
doesn't know a thing about him.
And I'm not in the business of
offending her Hitler.
So no more about him and no more
publicity for the restaurant Espinosa's.
They made up my bill wrong last night.
Espinosa's is the only place where I...
Have we got those three things clear?
Green bowlers, Zeldorf, Espinosa's.
Tabulate them in the mind, my boy!
One, two, three!
So, how's papa?
Very amiable.
Ten thousand this time.
Greta Garbo.
Oh, well... We won't bother
about him anymore.
By the way, I shan't be able
to come to the motor racing.
What?
I promised I'd help Ginger find
somewhere proper to live.
He's fed up with hotel life.
You know how thieving and ghastly
those housings can be.
I tried to telephone you last night.
Well, darling, it was
Rolo Littleworth's twenty-first
and I thought it would be worth going
for the sake of Mr Chatterbox.
You know I think I'd make
rather a good journalist.
What did you write?
A few things about Rolo's
being expelled from Eton,
and then, of course, I put in
lots of imaginary things,
and...
What sort of imaginary things?
Oh, I don't know.
I said I saw count Zeldorf going into
Espinosa's in a green bowler, you know.
You said that?!
Yes.
Well, wasn't that a good thing to say?
I thought that's what you...
Darling?
Excuse me!
What's wrong?
Central 4000, please.
Symes here. Put me through to
the night editor, please.
I've got a message for you.
A message?
I'll put you straight to his lordship.
No, no, no, no, hang on a second!
Symes?
Good evening, lord Monomark.
Bad tabulation there, young Symes!
I'm, I'm awfully sorry.
I'm disappointed in you.
Can't pretend that I'm not.
You're fired.
And now, Mrs Simpson, how can I
persuade you to return to America?
I mean,
you'd think there'd be a flubar.
Someone said something very
encouraging about a divine tent.
Officials, drivers, mechanics, stewards
and family only pass this point.
We're family.
Oh, yes? Which car?
Tiger La Bouchere.
He's my husband.
He's your what?!
My friend is confused, darling.
Tiger is my husband.
Look, there he is!
How dreamy he is!
What is it about boys and goggles?
P-13.
Hurah, my lucky number!
You should be in brassards by rights.
What's a brassard?
You caught someone's fancy.
Hello!
I've been looking for you everywhere!
Well, I've been looking for you!
Where's my money?
I can't hear you!
Where's what?
My money!
It's no good.
These infernal machines make too much
racket. What's your name?
Adam Symes!
I must know your name!
Adam Symes!
Look, I'm the spare mechanic!
How blissfully savage.
Now, rules. You can watch
from the pit on the track side.
You're not allowed to hand me
anything direct, but...
If I raise my left hand
as I come through the pit,
that means I shall be stopping
at the next lamp for petrol.
What does it mean if I wave this flag?
That you want me to stop.
But, angel botty, why should we
want you to stop?
Well, you might see something
wrong with the car.
Or one of the officials might want
the number plate clean.
Now, look here, Miles.
Less of the angel botty.
These people know me.
Clearly, they don't, darling. But don't
worry, I shall be discretion herself.
Come on, give it another go!
Come on, try it again!
Was that car supposed to explode?
It's number 13!
Come on, 13! Come on!
Oh well done, 13!
Agatha, darling, you know you really
shouldn't have waved that flag.
My dear, how awful. Why not?
Well, it's blue, that means he is
to stop at the next lamp.
Oh, lord, did I wave a blue flag?
My, dear, you know you did.
How shaming! What am I to say to him?
Let's go away before they come back.
You know, I think we'd better.
Let's find that divine tent
and have a drink.
Look, there's you boyfriend again.
Persistant, I'll give him that.
There you are!
You know I've been chasing you all over
London? Where the devil have you been?
I've been staying at Lottie's.
But she's never heard of you.
I'm going to admit I'd had rather
a few too many that night
and, to tell you the truth, I woke up
and things were rather a blur.
Then I found a thousand quid in my
pocket. And it all came back to me.
Some fellow at Lottie's had given me
his bundle to put on Indian Runner.
Now, as far as I knew,
the Indian Runner was no good.
I didn't want to lose your money for you
but the devil of it was I didn't know
you were Adam.
Adam, that's rather priceless.
Neither did Lottie, apparently.
You don't mean to say you still
got my thousand?
Well, on the day of the race I
didn't know what to do.
One half of me said: "Keep the thousand,
the chap is bound to turn up some time
and it's his business to do his own punting".
The other half said:
"Put it all on a favourite
and give him a run for his money".
So, you put it all on the favourite?
Well, in the end, I said young chap
must be frightfully rich.
If he wants to throw his money away,
that's none of my business.
So I planked it all on Indian Runner
for you.
You mean...
I mean I've got a nice little packet of 34
thou waiting for you to condescend
to pick it up!
Good heavens!
Look here, have a drink, won't you?
That's a thing I never refuse.
Archie, lend me some money until I
get this fortune, ok?
Well, how much do you want?
Enough to buy five bottles of champagne.
Darling, just think what parties
you can have!
How well your lady friend moves, sir.
Look here, old boy, makes me feel awful to ask.
You couldn't possibly lend me a fiver,
could you?
I'll give it to you at the same time
I hand over the 34 thou.
Of course. Archie, lend me a fiver!
Awfully good of you.
Would it be all the same if we made it
a telewire about it?
I'm sorry, I've only enough to get home.
That's all right, old, chap, I understand.
Not another word about it!
Look, you roll along to the Imperial
at about seven o'clock.
I'll give you your money then.
Glad to get it off my chest.
Wow, 34 thousand!
Auntie must powder her nose.
Would Miles be a darling?
Going down.
What's wrong with your driver?
One of the blokes has just hold
a spanner at him.
Did he want to scratch? Who's the
spare? Who's the spare driver?
Oh, wait! It's me! It's on my arm.
Oh. Are you going to scratch?
Certainly not.
What's your name?
Agatha. I'm the spare driver.
It's on my arm.
Yes, I can see it is.
All right then start off
as soon as you like.
Excuse me...
No, no, no, rules are rules.
In you pop, miss.
In you pop.
It's on my arm.
I say, Agatha, are you sure
you're all right?
It says on my arm there.
There's a good deal of Dom Perignon
swashing about inside you.
Are you quite sure it's
absolutely safe?
Well that's new to say that, Adam.
As long as no one throws a spanner,
well, there'll be quite a little fuss
and I'll get through it.
Well, goodbye.
Not so scary.
Well, good heavens, car 13 has stirred
off the course and seems to be speeding
across four acre field.
Oh, my dears, that's lucky for me.
A really good story on my
second day as Mr Chatterbox.
Where's that woman going
with my bloody car?
Oh, she's probably remembered
a party somewhere.
I expect you'll find it neatly parked and
polished and pretty in Barkley Square.
Shall we, then?
This motor racing is a bore.
I beg your pardon?
I take the trouble to find you...
Oh, don't be stiff and pompus,
Tiger, dear.
Tiger, we've had a splendid day.
We've enjoyed ourselves immensely
but it's getting late and I have to be
in town to pick up a fortune.
If there's so much as a scratch
on her bonnet...
I don't thin she was wearing
a bonnet, to be honest.
You bloody people!
Who the bloody hell do you
think you are?!
If you just like to sign in,
you excellency.
Excuse me?
A moment, sir.
Telegram, your excellency.
And you key.
Thank you.
Major!
My money.
Money?
A thousand pounds, plus 33 thousand.
Oh, that! People of Union Bank of London.
Never put your money into anything
that wasn't straight, old boy.
Yes, of course.
Very kind of you to have looked after it
for me.
Listen, you said you'd give me
the cheque this evening.
Ah, that's another matter.
I told someone I'd give them the cheque.
But how do I know it was you?
You might be a crook!
Look, I've got two friends waiting for me
in Palm Court who'd swear to you
I'm Adam Symes, will that do?
It may be a gang.
Besides, I don't know what
the name of the chap
who gave me the 1000 pounds was.
I only got you word for it.
Now, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll sleep on it.
I'll tell you my decision when I awaken.
Don't think me suspicious, old boy.
We've just heard.
They found Agatha at Houston Station
Staring fixedly at the model engine
in the Central Hall.
Apparently, the station master asked
her name, but she just pointed to her
arm and said she was the spare driver.
So they've carted her off to
a mental home.
What?
Did you get your fortune?
The major's too drunk to recognise me
so he's just gone...
to... sleep.
Nina, I saw that major but
I'm affraid he might be bogus.
You haven't got any money.
No job, no money.
We shan't be getting married soon.
Not soon.
I see.
Well?
I said I see.
Is that all?
Yes, Adam, that's all.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Nina.
When did you last pay us, dear? I must
make up that bill of yours some time.
You're right. By the way, Lottie, that
foreign monarch, is he still staying here?
The king of Where-was-it?
Yeah.
You might give him this.
Scusi, but there is a telephone for
Mr Symes.
Thank you, Basilio.
Oh, lord, it is mascara, isn't it?
Hello?
Darling, I'm affraid I've got something
rather awful to tell you.
I'm engaged to be married.
Who to?
I hardly think I can tell you.
Who is it?
Ginger.
I don't believe it.
Well, I am, that's all there is to it.
You're going to marry Ginger?
Yes.
I see.
Well?
I said I see.
Is that all?
Yes, Nina, that's all.
When shall I see you?
I don't want ever to see you again.
I see.
Well?!
I said I see!
Goodbye.
Don't do that, Ginger, darling.
Your moustache tickles.
Darling, I can't really see
who it is.
There are some cocktail
things in the wardrobe.
Do make a big one.
You look just like Adam Symes.
How are you feeling, Aggie?
Oh, rather odd, to tell you the truth.
How's Nina?
She's got engaged to be married.
Ginger, I expect?
Darling, you're so sweet.
Everyone guessed.
Pots of money.
Are you really upset?
Desperate.
Thinking of committing suicide like Simon.
Don't do that, darling.
Too many people are disappearing.
Did you get your money?
No, the drunken major's disappeared too.
Agatha, I have nothing.
All smashed up.
All to pieces.
You know all that time I was dotty
I had the most awful dreams.
I thought we were all driving
round and round at a motor race
and none of us could stop.
And there was an enormous audience
composed all entirely of
gossip writers and gate crashers and
Archie Shwert.
Bogus people all shouting at us
to go faster.
And car after car kept crashing
until I was left all alone.
Driving and driving.
And then I would crash.
And wake up.
Aggie, darling, how are you?
Goodness, how gothic!
How gloomy, how grim!
My dear, how blind making.
I bought some records
in a funny little shop.
You are angelic.
Do let's try them. There's a
gramophone under the bed.
I saw lots of people at Margo's.
Some are coming round. Do you mind?
Oh, no, let's have a party.
We've never had a party in a mental
inn before, have we? Or have we?
Have we?
I love you all so much!
Again, again!
I think we need a little more!
I say, Miles...
So sorry.
So silly.
Only it's the beastliest thing.
I've got to go now.
Train... France.
It's so unbearably...
unbearable.
Tiger...
Tiger of all people...
Tiger?
He left some letters.
From me.
Lying around.
The police have them.
There's a warrant.
For my...
I can't even go and pack.
Hello, Aggie! Oh, I say...
Miles?
What's up?
Goodbye, darling!
Goodbye, Archie.
You'll have a good story today, Van.
Adam...
Sorry, Nina.
Miles is in a scrape again.
What's happened?
Everyone's going round and
round and round!
Keep dancing, everybody!
Miles has to leave the country.
Police...
Oh, no...
Well...
This is all a bit bloody.
Thought you were never going
to speak to me again.
Well, it had to happen, didn't it?
Agatha's looking better
than I expected.
Oh, Nina...
What is it, darling?
Oh, Nina, what a lot of parties!
I know...
You're so hot...
Masked parties, savage parties,
Victorian parties...
Greek parties, Wild West parties,
Russian parties, circus parties,
parties where you have to dress
as somebody else
almost naked parties and St. John's
Wood parties and...
and flats, and studios, and houses,
and ships and hotels and night clubs,
and swimming baths and windmills...
Dances in London are so dull.
Comic dances and Scotland and
disgusting dances and the suburbs
all that succession and repetition of
masked humanity
all those vile bodies...
And now a party in a mental hospital!
Come back with me to Lottie's tonight.
No...
Please?
Ginger wouldn't like it.
Nina, do you love him?
Oh, Adam, how can you ask?
Then why?
Oh, Adam, how can you ask?
Money?
Bloody money.
It's all very well to look down on money,
but a girl's got to look after herself
these days.
Come and dine with me at Lottie's.
Ginger wouldn't understand.
Last time, Nina.
Well...
I believe you knew I was going to...
Oh, darling...
If only you were as rich as Ginger...
Or even half as rich.
Really? Cocktails and gramophone
in a sick room?
Who ever heard such a thing?
Out you go, the pair of you!
Hello, dears!
Hello, Lottie!
Hello, Basilio.
Buona sera, Miss Blount.
There was an angry fellow in here
for you today.
Looked like a debt collector.
Vulgar moustache.
I told him you've gone to Newcastle.
Don't like debt collectors.
What about my little bill?
We were thinking of
a spot of dinner first.
In the dinning room, dear?
Of course not.
I'll have Basilio bring it up
to your room.
Darling...
You're too divine.
How are you?
How are you?
How angelic of you all to come.
Ouch!
Only you must take care not to
fall out at the corners.
I wish I knew which thing is which
in this car.
Darling, do try and drive straight.
Faster!
Faster!
Faster!
That was the first day I met you.
Agatha and I came down to Oxford
to visit Miles.
You don't seem to be enjoying
yourself much this evening.
Sorry.
I'm being a bore.
Suppose I should go home now, really.
Yes.
What's the matter?
I'd give anything in the world for
something different.
Yes, but you don't have anything.
You do give me pain, you know?
Such pain.
So, the little bird has flown, has she?
Sit down and have a glass of wine, eh?
Let's sit.
Now, dear, what about my bill?
Oh, yes. Of course.
Well...
Have it made up and send it up to me.
I've got it here.
Bless you! What a lot you seem
to have drunk!
Well...
Thank you so much.
I'll send you down a cheque.
No, dear, suppose you write it down here.
Here's the pen, here's the ink and...
Oh, here's the blank cheque book.
All right.
78 pounds.
16 shillings.
And a twopence for the cheque.
And a twopence.
Charlie Chaplin.
There!
Adam Fenwick-Symes, what a
childish scroll!
Charlie Chaplin, indeed!
Private joke.
Look who's turned up!
If it isn't Mr... How do you do?
Come in and have a glass, dear.
I knew you before you were born!
Yes, I know, Lottie.
Look here, Symes, I want to
speak to you.
Perhaps we might go somewhere
where we won't be disturbed.
Bless you, boys, you just
have a nice chat.
There's no one in the bar parlour.
I won't bother you, I have lots to do.
And may the best man win!
Well?
What I'm about to say is that
What I'm about to say may sound
rather unpleasant.
But look here, you know, damn it!
I mean, the better man has won.
Not that I'm saying that I'm the better
man. I wouldn't say that for a moment.
Awful bad luck on you and all that,
but still. When you come to think of it,
Look here, you know, damn it!
Do you see what I mean?
Not quite.
Is it something about Nina?
Yes, it is.
We are engaged. I'm not having you
butting in or there'll be hell to pay.
What makes you think I'm butting in?
You dined with her last night and
stayed out jolly late, too.
How do you know we stayed out
jolly late?
Well, as a matter of fact, I had to
talk to her about something
jolly important and I called her up once
or twice and didn't get an answer
until 3 o'clock!
Suppose you rang her every 10 minutes.
Well...
Not as often as all that.
I've known her since we were children.
Used to play with her,
a friend of the family.
I mean I know you were sort of
engaged, but...
Believe me, I had her photo
by my bed in Ceylon.
I know that sounds rather wet,
but there you are.
I mean...
The thing is...
I trust her, you know?
Of course I trust her.
I'm only kidding myself.
I'm no oil painting.
She doesn't like my tache, but my
upper lip's got a birth mark on it.
You're saying she doesn't love you?
You're brainy.
You don't have a port wine stain
on your upper lip.
You may be broke, but girls are odd.
I want you to promise me...
How much is she worth to you?
Come again?
I'll sell her to you.
Good God, damn it.
I'll sell my share in Nina
for a 100 pounds.
You pretend to be in love with her
and you talk about her like that?
It's not decent.
Besides, a 100 pounds is a deuce of a lot.
Just put a deposit of 500 down for
a place in Charles St.
Investment's going up and down,
marriage isn't cheap...
A hundred pounds down and I leave Nina
to you. I think that's cheap!
Fifty!
A hundred!
Seventy-five!
A hundred!
Damn it, I won't pay more than seventy-five.
I'll take 78 pounds, 16 shillings and
twopence, I can't go lower than that.
All right.
You really will go away?
I'll try, Ginger.
Then you'll escape before Nina's heard,
poor girl.
I don't think you're a gentleman, sir.
Neither do I.
Miss Blount's residence.
Nina, it's Adam.
Oh, hello, darling!
I thought you might be Ginger.
I woke up feeling I couldn't face him.
He rang up last night just as I got in.
Anyway, I don't think I want to
marry him after all.
Say, Nina, rather a strange thing's
happened.
Lottie's presented her bill.
Oh, Adam... What did you do?
Well, I did something rather
extraordinary.
My dear, I sold you.
Darling! Who to?
Ginger.
He came round in a bate.
You fetch 78 pounds and 16 shillings.
Well...
And twopence.
Goodbye, Nina.
Sir, how may I thank you? You find
my pen with little eagles!
Oh, bless you! God bless you!
I am mad with joy!
Not at all, sir.
Come and listen to the wireless.
The funniest thing!
...that they were prepared at once to
withdraw their troops from Poland
the state of war would
exist between us.
I have to tell you now that no such
undertaking has been received.
and that, consequently, this country
is at war with Germany.
Dearest dear, I'm so glad you
wrote back at last.
How proud of you I am.
Everyone says you should have a VC.
Now, darling, the baby is called Tommy.
And he looks so like a miniature you.
Of course Ginger is convinced
that he's the father.
He and little Tommy are in a ghastly
house in Plat Street but, angel,
guess where I'm living now
to be near my new job?
Shepherd's Hotel of all places!
Do hurry home, darling, they started
bombing London, which is horrid.
Fender, hold!
I say, it's all right!
I'm English!
I'm English!
Are you now?
I can't really tell in this smoke.
My God!
You're the drunk major!
I'm not drunk, damn you, sir!
And, what's more, I'm a general!
What the deuce are you doing here?
To tell the truth, sir, I lost my platoon.
Lost your platoon?
I lost my whole bloody division!
Is it all over, sir?
Hard to say frankly.
Thing to do is head to the beach
and see if the Navy can pick us up.
Not that things are any better in London.
They bombed St James's last night.
Shepherd's Hotel flattened.
Poor old Lottie.
Hang on, I know you from her, don't I?
I owe you some money.
34 thousand pounds.
34 thousand and five!
Never forget a debt!
Looked for you everywhere
before this scratch started.
Even went to bloody Newcastle!
Might as well give you a cheque
here and now.
Shepherd's Hotel completely gone?
Yeah. All dead.
Name?
Adam Fenwick-Symes.
Shared a trench with a major
Fenwick-Symes during the last show.
My father.
He played a fool, too.
Or was it a violine? Ha!
There you go!
Thank you.
Got a case of bubbly in the car.
Let's see if there is any light in it.
It would have been blown away on
the beach by them Stukas, sir.
Bloody miracle, eh?
Yes.
Bloody miracle.
Are we in Dover?
That's right, sir.
Break open this door.
It's customs enacted property, sir.
Break it open, private!
Sir.
Sure you know what you're doing, sir?
There's something of mine in here.
At least, it might still be here.
So, what brings you to sunny Plat St.?
I just came to see you and the boy.
Can't offer you much to drink.
Well done on all those medals.
If it hadn't been for my fallen archers,
my ass would have...
Absolutely.
Tommy! Turn that row off!
Come and meet your godfather!
Sorry, we didn't ask your permission.
Nina didn't get mine.
Hello, Tommy.
I'm Adam.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Ginger, did they ever find Nina?
Nina? She's having a whale of
the time in the factory.
She's alive?
Of course she is.
I thought everyone at Shepherd's
was killed.
Oh... Nina was in the night shift.
No, she'll be back later.
This war has been all right for some.
I'm gonna be arrested.
Arrested?
Bloodiest thing.
Tried to help people out.
A little petrol here,
Some life's little luxuries there...
I mean, dash it, war cannot all be misery!
Anyway, I've had everything
confiscated and I'm gonna be arrested.
Are you a soldier?
Yes, Tommy, I am.
It's all just so damnably unfair!
All right for some.
If I just had some cash i could...
make it to Ireland and move over to America.
They appreciate people like me in the States.
How much?
How much do you need?
Well, lot of people to sweeten on the way.
How would 34 thousand do?
34 thousand... pounds?
And five.
I'll buy Nina and Tommy off you for
34 thousand and five.
Hadn't we done this before?
Ginger?
Are you drunk?
... whereas I Ginger Littlejohn in
consideration of the sum of
34 thousand and five pounds do
relinquish all claims of my wife Nina
Littlejohn and son Thomas Edward.
Signed Ginger Littlejohn.
Have I been sold again?
Do you mind terribly?
Have we any money left?
None at all.
Miles!
Adam not back yet?
What?
Adam! Not back yet?
Any day now!
Isn't this too dull?
I've never been more bored in my life!
Drink?
I'd kill for a martini.
Spot of absinth?
Yes, at least a spot.
I know you, don't I?
Lord Balcairn, how are you?
Very well. I know you,
but I don't know you.
Simon! It's been the longest age.
Business or pleasure?
Business of pleasure.
Adam not back yet?
Any day, poor lamb.
I'll just...
Who's your ferrety friend?
Lord knows!
What a foul party, though, eh?
Isn't it?
I was just saying to Miles
I don't think I've ever been
so frantically bored in my life!
Miles's here?
He's supposed to be fetching me a drink.
Now, dear, he really should be
more discreet.
I've just remembered where I've seen
that man before. He's a bloody photo rat.
Let's get him!
A rat! A rat! Let's get him!
A bloody photo rat!
Keep your hand still.
Not too hard. Not too hard!
Justy, you're such a coward!
I don't feel so well. I think I'm...
Oh, you're disgusting!
Madames et monsieurs, bienvenues
au le Port du Dover!
Did you see that steward?
He was winking at me.
He was not!
Cassidy! Piony! Endeavour! This minute!
Yes Mrs Ape.
Come on, come on!
Is that your case, sir?
Just some very old clothes
and some books.
Books, eh?
What sort of books, may I ask?
Fortitude, I forbid you to bounce!
He's against books,
the Home Secretary is.
If we can't stamp out literature
in our own country,
we can at least stop its being brought in.
Hello, hello!
What's this?
That's a book, too.
The one I've just written.
You're name's Sue, is it?
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
That's a pseudonim.
Sue De Nimes.
I can read, thank you very much.
No, you don't understand. It's sort of
a joke. Sue De Nimes - pseudonim.
Nome de plume.
What's this?
Vomit.
There was an accident.
You come along with me. Briggs!
Sir.
I really must catch the train.
There are worse things than
missing trains, young Susie.
You hideous beasts!
You ghastly savages!
Book, sir.
Goes by the name of Susie.
Well, now, what's this about books?
They're just books.
I'll be the judge of that, thank you.
Oh, Adam, darling!
Hello, Agatha.
I never saw you on the boat.
I can't even tell you the things that
have been happening to me in there.
The way they looked.
Too, too shaming.
Positively surgical, my dear.
And such wicked old women!
I shall ring up every cabinet minister
and all the newspapers
and give them the most
shy making details.
Let's find the train.
No, I've got troubles of my own.
Well, now, you can take these books.
And the dictionary.
Minus this page,
thank you very much.
But this Bright young things, that's just
downright dirt and is marked for burning.
What? There isn't a word in the book...
You must be misinterpreting...
I know dirt when I see it.
Or I shouldn't be where I am today.
Do you realise that my whole livelihood
depends on that book?
I've already been paid for it.
And my livelihood depends on keeping
filth like that out of the country.
Archie Shwert is giving a lovely
party tonight
so we simply must catch the next train
or I shan't have the chance to dress
Archie who?
Oh, you poor things! Have you've
been waiting here all this time?
I don't know what Lord Monomark
is gonna say.
Suppose he'll want his money back.
The press is getting altogether
too bothersome.
Except when they aren't.
Now, you won't forget to come
to Archie Shwert's party?
Well, I've got to get to my hotel...
You're not still staying at Shepherd's,
are you, darling?
So many little people...
What can they all do with their lives?
When are you and Nina going to
get married?
I have just the trousers to wear,
only you won't do it.
Well, I'm not sure we'd be able to.
Just here will be fine. Thank you, driver.
Darling, if you don't marry her soon,
someone else will, and that will never do.
Take the lady out to Berkley Street and
drop my luggage off at Shepherd's hotel,
St. James'.
Right, sir.
Bye, darling. See you at Archie's.
Wild scenes at the party!
Shocking pictures!
Shocking pictures!
Great Mr. Chatterbox!
Great Mr Chatterbox!
Chatterbox kills all!
Shocking pictures!
Shocking pictures!
London, Adam, there is no place
like it on God's green earth.
Yep, quite a city.
For the first twenty years of my life
the biggest town I ever saw
or hoped to see was Nassacity, Manitoba.
Population:1.230 souls.
Now, here I am, prince of the greatest
metropolis the world has ever known.
Gives a man a think, wouldn't you say?
Certainly.
Certainly...
You're right there, Adam.
Certainly.
Now, I believe you owe me a book.
A little late in delivery?
Ah, well now, the customs
confiscated it.
Now, see here, you owe me
one hundred pounds or one book.
Well, I suppose I could write it again.
Was it good?
Well, you know...
Don't ever believe English modesty is
charming. It's irritating, it's what it is.
It was exceptionally good.
What is it with you people?
I have plenty of you working for me.
Lord Balcairn, a genuine earl,
does my gossip for me
under the name Mr. Chatterbox.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know.
A friend of yours, I suppose.
Bright young things,
that was the title, right?
Tearing the lid of the young,
idle and rich?
My readers can't get enough
of that kind of thing, Mr Symes.
I put Signor Mussolini on the front
page, nobody buys a copy.
Put a picture of one of your set in a night
club and can't print enough copies.
Are you a butterfly or a bee?
Excuse me?
Do you wanna flirt around,
looking pretty, doing nothing
or do you wanna make honey?
I can't figure you out.
Your father worked for a living.
Greek professor, wasn't he?
Well, professor of Greek,
rather than a Greek professor.
Never get cute with someone
you owe money to.
What do you wanna do with your life?
Win the Nobel prize? Raise children?
Smoke a pipe?
Climb mountains? Fly airplanes? Find
a cure to influenza? Govern India?
Hell, God gave you two legs
and an immortal soul
in the capital city of the largest
empire the world has ever seen!
Are you gonna spend it eating
plover's eggs and sucking up cocktails?
Miss Blount's residence.
Hello?
May I speak to Miss Blount, please?
I'll just see if she's in.
Who's speaking, please?
Adam Symes.
Oh, Adam...
How are you, Nina?
Well I've got rather a pain,
just at present then.
Oh, Nina... Why were you
putting on a voice?
Thought you might be Madame Durrock.
I owe her for some hats.
Welcome home, my darling,
where are you?
Fleet Street. Darling, there was rather
a disaster at customs.
Yes, I know, Agatha called me.
She said they simply stripped her.
No, no, not that.
Something awful happened to me.
You too?
Were they horribly intimate?
Let's meet at Archie Shwert's party
and you can tell me all about it.
Who is this Archie Shwert?
Oh, someone new. Rather vulgar,
but very rich.
If you are coming, don't dress up,
no one will.
Except Archie, which is always
too funny.
Nina, I don't know
how to say this, but...
I don't think I shall be able
to marry you after all.
Oh... Adam, you are a bore.
Why not?
They confiscated my book.
Beasts! Who did?
I'll tell you about it tonight.
Yes, do. Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, my sweet.
Shepherd's hotel, St. James', please.
Actually, I think I'll walk.
Tighten the try through, fairy princess.
And don't let me catch you wearing
that scent again!
Well, you are a stranger.
Hello, Lottie.
Welcome back.
How's your father?
Dead?
Oy, fella'!
Mr. Fenwick-Symes' post,
if you please.
I don't know, I should
let her go, really.
She's wearing Nuit de Noel,
would you believe.
Thank you, Basilio.
Is pleasure.
We'd given you up for dead, dear?
How was Monte Carlo?
Cannes.
Same thing.
We kept your room for you.
I expect you're ready
to pay your little bill now?
Well, as a matter of fact...
Come on in.
We were just thinking about having
a little drink.
Now, let me introduce you.
That's Mr What's-his-name.
And over there in the corner
That's the Major.
And that's an American judge
and there's the king of Pomoralia.
Anatolia, actually.
But, alas, no longer.
Poor chap, it's a shame.
They gave him the boot after the war.
Hasn't got a penny.
It's true, they steal my throne.
There now...
My godfather, the good archduke of
Austria, gave me one time
gold fountain pen with eagles on him.
I loved well my gold fountain pen
and then there was liberal minister,
one man of exceeding evilness.
He come to talk with me and thump!
Talk too much about some things
I not understand and when he gone...
Where was my gold fountain
pen with eagles on him?
Gone also!
Damn shame, sire.
A damn shame.
There now...
How about a drink?
Here...
Bet you can't do this.
Four coins.
One in each corner.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there. Oh, three there!
Oh, four!
Four coins, all in a corner.
There you are.
I'll do it again if you like.
Who's a clever boy?
Where did they teach you that then?
Chap on a train showed me.
It didn't look very hard.
Just you try.
Bet anything you like you can't do it.
How much will you bet?
Anything you like.
Five hundred pounds?
Go on, you do it.
He's got lots of money.
All right.
Two there.
Two there.
Two there.
Three there.
Four there.
There.
I'll be jiggered. Never seen anyone
do it like that before.
I've won a lot of money this week
with that trick.
Here you are.
Well, there's a thing. I'll expect you'll
like to buy everyone a drink now.
Certainly.
Toss you for it. Double or quits.
Best of three.
Very well.
Heads.
It is.
Call again.
Heads.
Well, I'm jiggered.
You are a lucky chap.
Hello?
Nina, it's Adam.
Darling, it's all right about
our getting married.
I've got a thousand pounds.
But, angel, how?
I'll tell you about it when we meet.
What would you all do if
you had a thousand pounds?
Me, I would buy me one gold pen.
With eagles on him.
I know what I'd do.
I'd put it on a horse.
What horse?
I'd tell you unlikely outside of a
November Handicap.
Indian Runner has a 20:1 in odds
of lengthen.
If you put a thousand pounds on it
to win and it did,
you'd be rich, wouldn't you?
Yes, so I would.
Well, give me the thousand
and I'll fix it.
All right.
Why not?
Sound investment.
Have a drink.
By all means.
Darling, I've got a very important
question to ask.
Do you know of a horse
called Indian Runner?
Oh, quite the worst sort of horse.
Mary and Miles' mother owns it.
It's not likely to win the November handicap?
Quite sure that's a no.
Why?
Oh, bother it, Nina!
I don't think I shall be able
to marry you after all.
You see, I put that thousand pounds
on Indian Runner to win.
Well, that was silly.
Can't you get it back?
That's a good point.
I'll see.
I didn't hear the dinner gong at all.
Where's that fairy princess?
Lottie, where's the major?
What major?
I never saw a major.
The one you introduced me to.
How did you know he was a major?
You said he was.
Dear child, I've never seen him
before in my life.
We must all go up to dinner.
I shall go up with you, king.
I'm not feeling very hungry,
to be honest.
In fact, I'm feeling a little...
You hurry through to the gentlemen's!
The last man to be sick on that carpet
was king Edward VII
and he ate before, I can tell you.
By the way, why didn't you tell me
it was fancy dress-up?
I feel such a prune.
I forgot.
No, you didn't.
My dear!
Oh, look, Agatha!
Usually worth a couple of paragraphs,
but my editor's got her on the front page
tomorrow, anyway.
Customs nonsense.
And Adam's back.
Not that he's worth a mention.
Look, there's Simon and Van.
Writing about us, I bet.
Hope they write something nice.
You know Van described me as England's
premiere party animal last week honestly?
There! That's Adam Symes.
He looks so dashing.
Everyone looks dashing, don't they?
Dashing is the new thing.
Oh I wish I was as sophisticated
as Agatha Ransable.
You know it takes a little titanium on
the cheek and a little less eyebrow.
I can pluck them for you if you like.
Really?
Really really?
Oh, would you?
Can't believe I let them drag me
from the customs like that.
Now, I've got Lottie's bill to pay
and we can't get married.
There's always my papa. I believe
he's much richer than he looks.
I'll ask him to give us some money.
You must be Adam?
Archie Shwert.
Such a wonderous party, Archie.
Why, aren't you clever!
You should certainly win the
costume prize.
Adam, you hideous ass, that's how
Archie always dresses at parties.
Orchid. Stop. New paragraph.
Simon. Coma. The Earl Balcairn. Coma.
Dressed as the most unconvincing
Duke of Wellington.
As in boots, yes.
Yes. Might be worth sending
a few photographers over.
How, too dreary, they're like
flies, aren't they?
I think they're after Agatha.
You know, her father made the most
crashing speech about customs officers
in the House of Lords this evening.
Several bishops burst into tears,
apparently.
That dreadful Simon Balcairn!
I certainly tipped him off.
Where are we going?
Half past three.
Lottie will be closing now.
How about the Ritz?
Oh talk sense, dear.
It's not while I'm dressed
like this.
I'd say my house, only I've lost my
key. It's just too bogus of me.
Why don't we all go on to my house?
So that's agreed then. You can go
up to Dowting tomorrow
and I'll wire daddy and tell him
you're coming.
Will he like me, do you think?
Well, how couldn't he with you being
so sweet and everything?
Why can't you come, too?
I already told you I have a pain.
Bacon and eggs, everybody!
Champagne!
Had to be the oddest house.
Do you think there are any glasses?
I just don't know where daddy
keeps them.
Such a bore, darling.
So sorry, darling.
Well, it is rather ferous drinking from
decanters, after all.
What strange ancesters you have,
Jane. All so serious-looking.
It's as if they're gazing into my soul
and finding something rather horrid.
Well, they probably are.
I say, Mary, what do you know of
your mother's horse Indian Runner?
Oh, Adam, don't even think about
it. Mommy says he's a donkey.
Do you know Jane Brown?
How do you do, Miss Brown?
So sweet of you to have us all round.
Oh, no, such a pleasure.
I often...
Do have some bacon.
Thank you.
I say, Jane, it will be all right me
staying here tonight, won't it?
You be my latchkey.
It'll be fine, Agatha darling.
Quite fine.
Do you have a piaano, dear?
I have a strange longing to play
something crimson and obscene
by Bissoni.
Or a rague. Do let's have a rague!
I'm not sure.
My father's asleep upstairs.
He might...
Oh... How boring.
I saw some creme de menthe
in the kitchen.
What good's creme de menthe, child,
when I wanted a piano?
Only, the piano's on the first floor...
I don't suppose anyone has
some naughty salt?
We must go.
There might be some in the kitchen.
But the bacon's...
No, dear, naughty salt!
Mother might just have some
in her compact.
Miles is being beastly in upsetting
poor Jane.
Besides, you've got to look all pretty
and frisky for my papa.
And how was Mr Shwert's dance, Jane?
Did you have a good time?
It was just too divine!
It was what, Jane?
I mean...
It was lovely, mama.
I say, mama...
I asked a girl to stay the night.
What an extraordinary thing to do!
Did she accept?
Yes!
She's here now.
Morning, all!
The right room at last!
Do you know I popped in to a
study or something?
There was a sweet old boy
sitting at a desk.
He did look surprised to see me.
Was it your papa?
And this is mama.
How are you? I say, I think it's simply
too sweet of you to let me come down
to breakfast like this. Are you sure
you're not furious with me?
All of this is really much more
embarrassing for me, isn't it?
Don't you think?
Or don't you?
Would you like to help yourself?
Martha! The most extraordinary
thing!
Must be losing my reason. I was
in my study just now...
Just going over my speech and then
suddenly the door opened
and in came some sort of
dancing hottentot woman.
And it just said: "Ew, how shy making!"
and then disappeared and I turned...
Oh...
How do you do?
And this is my husband.
I don't think you've met before.
Only for a second
Martha never told us we were
having guests.
Forgive me if I appeared a little
inhospitable.
Why doesn't somebody say
something?
Oh, look Monocle!
Jimmy Vanburgh's column!
Who's got the front page?
Midnight orgies at No. 10, it says.
What a scream!
Shall I read it to you?
At about 4 A.M. the policeman
posted outside the Prime Minister's
residence was surprised to witness...
Isn't this too amusing?
the arrival in Downing Street of a
fleet of taxis from which emerged
a gay throng in exotic fancy dress.
How I should have loved to
have seen it! Can you imagine?
The amongstly present was the
honurable Agatha Rans...
Oh, that's me...
What an extraordinary thing!
Oh...
Oh, my God...
Begging your pardon, sir James...
Mrs Proudford wants to know
why there is talcum powder
on the table in the cabinet room.
Talcum powder? In the cabinet room?
It looks like talcum powder
but it doesn't smell of it, sir.
Mrs Proudford was wondering
if it might be anarchist gunpowder
and should we send for the army?
Oh, dear, this is really
all too shaffling. I think, perhaps...
Don't see me out. I shall write
the tenderest thank you letter,
I promise.
Disgusting!
Absolutely disgusting!
They need a good bloody war,
if you ask me.
Excuse me?
That lot.
Jiggeding and jazzing about
like Mexican beans.
A sound of guns and
a smell of gas.
That would soon stop all that.
Disgusting!
I should imagine it is.
What?
The sound of guns and the smell of gas.
I should imagine it is disgusting.
No. Them!
Ah!
Parasites!
Is Dowting much further?
About half a mile.
Chitty and oil fifteen bob.
Don't ring twice!
What do you want?
Good afternoon. Is Mr Blount home?
There's no Mr Blount here.
This is colonel Blount's house.
I'm sorry, I think the colonel is
expecting me to lunch.
Nonsense! I'm colonel Blount.
Yes?
Would you mind awfully if I just
telephoned the station for a taxi cab?
I'm not on the telephone.
Why don't you come in? It's absurd
to walk to the station in this.
Fifteen miles, for God's sake!
Are you mad?
Come about the vacuum cleaner,
have you?
No.
Hang your hat and coat here.
I hope you haven't got wet.
Shame you didn't bring
your vacuum cleaner.
Can't be helped.
How are you?
Do sit down. I must read this cable. I've
quite forgotten, it came this morning.
Oh, dear.
Don't think me discourteous but I'm
affraid it's impossible for me
to ask you to luncheon. I've a guest
coming on intimate family business.
It's some young rascal who
wants to marry my daughter.
Well, I want to marry your daughter, too.
What an extraordinary thing.
Are you sure?
Perhaps the telegram is about me.
What does it say?
Engaged to marry Adam Symes.
Expect luncheon. Nina.
Are you Adam Symes?
Yes.
But why didn't say so before?
Instead of going on about vacuum cleaners.
How are you?
Mrs Florid, lay a plate for Mr...
Symes.
Symes!
Better give him his own decanter, Mrs F.
Coffee pot up and down all the time.
So you're the young fool who's
gonna marry my daughter?
I very much hope so, sir.
How much money have you got?
Well, had a thousand pounds last night.
I gave it all to a drunken major.
Why did you do that for?
Well, I hoped he would put it on
Indian Runner.
November handicap.
Never heard of the animal.
When will you next have some money?
When I've written some books.
You see, I owe Lord Monomark.
For an advance and untill
I get it written I rather hoped...
Well, we rather hoped
that you might help us.
How can I help you? I've never
written a book in my life!
No, we...
Wrote a letter to the Times once.
Never published.
We thought that...
Well that you might give us
some money.
You thought that, did you?
I think that is an admirable idea.
I don't see any reason why I shouldn't.
How much do you want?
Well, you know...
Would a thousand pounds be any help?
Yes, it would. Indeed.
We'd both be terribly grateful.
Not at all, my dear boy.
What was your name again?
Adam Symes.
Fenwick-Symes.
Knew a Fenwick-Symes at Oxford.
My father.
He wasted all his money on horses, too.
Or was it women?
No!
Books!
Nina!
Nina!
Darling?
Why are you dancing like that?
Nina, I'm so excited!
Why, what's happened?
Everything! I'll tell you in the car.
Lottie at the hotel has lent me some
money, so I've hired a car.
What have you done, darling?
Do stop dancing about!
I can't stop.
Adam, sit tight.
Look out of the window and see if you
can see a limousin waiting.
I don't know what you have been up to
and I will be told!
My dear, a thousand pounds!
Did my papa give you that?
Darling, I'm not dressed for dinner.
I'll look after this cheque. Poor Adam.
Why do you say that?
I don't know. I say, what a grand car!
Nina, why did you say poor Adam?
I dont know.
Where to, sir?
I don't know. Um...
Chichester.
Oh, darling, not Chichester. It's
sure to be full of Chichester people.
Brighton.
Do be serious!
They say Arundel is very pleasant
this time of the year, sir.
Arundel! What fun!
All right, then. Arundel.
We'll be married tomorrow. And we
won't ask anybody to the wedding.
Oh, blast!
What is it?
I forgot Balcairn is taking me
to lunch tomorrow.
We're gonna have to wait till the
afternoon to marry.
Simon, whatever for?
He'll take you to Chez Espinosa
and you won't get a thing to drink.
Oh, I don't know. He wants a favour.
Help. Writing Mr Chatterbox probably.
Oh, but I can't possibly marry you
in the afternoon either.
I'm having my hair done. You can't have
forgotten it's Margo's party tomorrow.
I don't believe you really think we
are going to get married, Nina, do you?
Well, do you?
Yes. I just...
I don't know. I just...
I don't believe that really divine things
like that ever do happen.
I don't know why.
Oh, I do like you so much tonight.
We'll send the car back at Arundel
and get a nice early train in the morning.
Oh, darling, am I going to be seduced?
I'm affraid you are.
Do you mind terribly?
Not as much as not to let it.
And you said really divine things
didn't happen?
I didn't think it was at all divine.
It's given me a pain.
And now that it's morning, I've got
something horrid to tell you.
I don't think anything can ever be
horrid ever again.
It's about that cheque
my papa gave you.
Don't thnk it's going to help
as much as you thought.
Well, it's a thousand pounds, isn't it?
Just look at it, my sweet.
I don't see anything wrong...
Oh, good lord, the old fool
signed it Charlie Chaplin.
That's what I mean, darling.
When did you notice the signature?
As soon as you showed to me
last night.
Only you looked so happy dancing
about in my flat all by yourself,
I didn't like to say anything.
The old devil!
Anyway, at least you've had some fun
out of it, haven't you? Or haven't you?
Haven't you?
Darling, I've never hated anything
so much in my life. Still....
As long as you enjoyed it,
that's something.
Charlie Chaplin, eh?
That's rather priceless.
I don't suppose I could use that
in my column?
No, certainly not.
No, thought not.
Look, I hope you don't mind coming here.
The truth is, I get meals for free if I
mention them occasionally in my page.
Not... not drinks, unfortunately.
Alfons, who's here?
Yes, not a bad list.
I'll see who I can mention.
Thank you, my lord.
Would you like a table?
Cocktail?
No, I don't think I want a cocktail.
I haven't really time.
Would you like a cocktail, Adam?
They're not really good here.
No, thanks.
Are you sure?
They always stick me at this bloody table.
The lager beer is rather good.
The lager will be perfect.
Two small glasses of lager, please.
Certainly, sir.
Oh, look, there's Brown, isn't it?
The Prime Minister, just leaving.
Yes, I rather think it is.
Wonder if he's going to resign
after the other night.
It's bloody typcal of Vanburgh to get that
juicy story about Agatha in Downing St.
I mean, why couldn't Miles have
tipped me off instead?
Just because I wouldn't let him...
You know... In Oxford.
God, what a cat Miles is.
Adam...
His mother's got a party tonight,
hasn't she?
For that evangelist Mrs Melrose Ape.
Are you going?
I think. Probably.
Adam, I'll tell you a very odd thing.
Margo hasn't sent me an invitation.
Why not?
Apparently she's in a rage about
that picture of Miles in my column
and all those nasty hints even though
I had nothing, nothing to do with it.
People do take things so seriously.
Adam, I tell you, it means ruin.
Isn't that Pamela Poppum?
I haven't the faintest idea.
I'm sure. Yes, I'm sure it is. Now, tell
me, is that what they call a cloche hat?
I've got into terrible trouble the other
day about hats.
The editor was raving.
Ruin!
I mean, Margo's invited Jimmy
Vanbrough, of course, I guess.
Van's a cousin, isn't he?
But it's so damned unfair!
All my cousins are in lunatic asylums or
else they live in the country
and do indelicate things with wild animals.
If I miss this party I might as well
put an end to it all.
I'm sure if Margo only knew
how much it meant to me,
she wouldn't mind my coming.
Nobody invites me anywhere now.
I'll tell you what,
I know Margo pretty well.
Why don't I ring her up
and ask if you could come?
Would you?
Would you, Adam?
Nothing.
Really, I can't understand
what the young see in this.
These new crazes
are simply inexplicable.
Hello?
Margo, it's Adam.
Adam, darling! Now, don't tell me
you're going to cry off.
No, I just wondered if I can
bring someone with me?
Well, I really don't think you can.
I can't imagine how everyone
is going to get in as it is.
No, Justy, darling, not red.
Not at your age.
It suggests all the wrong things,
don't you feel?
I'm terribly sorry, Adam.
Who were you thinking of bringing?
Simon Balcairn.
He's terribly anxious to come.
Yes, I dare say he is. I'm rather
against that young man at the moment.
Oh, heavens!
No, you can't bring Simon.
He's been writing things in the papers.
Things about my son Miles
which are beastly.
Please, Margo?
Certainly not!
I won't have it inside my house.
I only asked Vanbrough on the
strictest understanding
that he doesn't write a word about it.
Mrs Ape will be addressing
everybody about Jesus.
It could all be too shriekworthy
a disaster to think of.
Absoluetly not!
Simon of all people!
You needn't tell me. I can tell.
Two of my butterflies at once!
Got your invitation to Lady Makland's
ball tonight, Balcairn?
Of course, lord Monomark.
You've been scooped by Vanbrough's
Lord Monocle column too often.
Maybe I should give Chatterbox
to Symes here.
He owes me.
I assure yiu, lord Monomark...
Be careful who you write about.
I'll be there myself.
Oh, God.
I'm done for.
Oh, poor Simon. I hope he doesn't
do something desperate.
He's so tense about everything.
Well, you know why.
Why?
He's lonely.
He's been in love with you
for years.
Love... All this fuss about love
and sleeping together.
For physical pleasure I'd sooner
visit my dentist any day.
It isn't so bad though, is it?
What?
Love.
Well, perhaps it's a thing
one can grow to be fond of in time.
Like olives, I suppose.
Or talking pictures.
Still, it gives me pain and I doubt
it's worth it.
See, angels come down
from heaven to bless us.
Who's that with a beard?
A beard? How very odd.
Ladies and gentlemen!
We're very lucky to have with us,
freshly from her tour of Europe,
Miss...
I'm so sorry.
Her salvation tour of Europe.
Mrs Melrose Ape and her
Angels of the Glad New Day.
Girls, Ain't no flies!
Forgive me, gentlemen.
That man with a beard.
Do you know him?
Gives me something Foreign Office.
Sure I've seen him somewhere before.
Exactly.
Prime Minister, there are
spies everywhere.
I think it would be better
if we watched him.
He looks Slavonic.
Yes, hello?
Central 4000, please.
Yes.
Hello!
Didn't know you were here, father.
I just thought I'd use the telephone.
Goodbye.
Stay exactly where you are!
And take off that beard.
Damned if I do!
Take off that beard!
Well if you will make
such a thing about it.
It hurts frightfully, too, if you knew.
There!
Now I think you should go and make
Lady Thring take of her wig
while your about it.
I seem to have overestimated
the gravity of the situation.
Who is this?
Where are my detectives?
That is Mr Chatterbox.
Never heard of him.
Don't believe there is such a person.
He's clearly a Bolshevik spy.
Lord Balcairn, will you kindly
leave my house immediately?
My wife has made it...
Lord what?
Is this young man called Chatterbox
or is he not?
Lord Monomark is here this evening.
I shall certainly inform him
of your behaviour.
He writes for the papers.
Oh, god, not another.
There's a conspiracy.
You're a disgrace to democracy, sir.
Europe is going up in flames and all you
can do is info-talk of your zone to
my home to distress
my wife and family.
In another age I would have had you
horse-whipped and a styps in your club.
I've been forced to resign because
of you and your kind!
Gentlemen.
Prime Minister.
Good night.
I sincerely appo...
Oh, to hell with you all!
Brothers and sisters...
Just you look at yourselves.
Look inside yourselves.
Deep, deep inside yourselves
beyond the glister of your parties
and the saucy blaze of your jewels.
What a damned impudent woman!
Impudent, am I?
Is it impudence to look upon sin and
call it by its rightful name?
Impudence to gaze upon Babylon
and shriek down curses?
Impudence to look upon your souls and
see nothing but a black empty void?
Beautiful young people.
That's what they call you.
Beautiful young people, well...
One out of three ain't bad, I guess.
I say, that's rather good.
Why won't you listen?
The lives you lead aren't real lives.
The steps you dance are the Devil's.
Thank you Mrs Ape for
a most pricing talk.
Operater.
Hello? Central 4000, please.
Central 4000.
Hello? Balcairn here.
Do you want to speak to Social,
my lord?
No, no, I don't want Social...
I want News.
News, my lord?
Are you sure you don't want Social?
No. Yes. News.
News.
Connecting you.
Thank you.
Hello?
News, sir.
Hello. Balcairn here.
Stick one of the boys on
to take this down, will you?
The most shocking orgy since the
days of Sodome and Gomora
rocked society last night.
Hold the presses.
Get down to compositing.
Now!
The vulgar evangelist Mrs Melrose Ape
proudly revealed that her angels
were no more than underage adornments
on sale to the highest bidder.
Meanwhile, tears coursing down her face,
the honourable Agatha Ransable
whose repulsive liaison with the Prime
Minister shocked the nation this week,
bewailed her, quote, ruined bogus
vapid bogus and worthless life, unquote.
Yes, two boguses.
Lady Makland, shrieking of her terrible
dependancy upon cocaine powder
threw off her Schiaparelli ball gown
and stood naked upon the dance floor
an example quickly followed
by old and young alike
until only the servants remained
clothed.
A grotesquely hairy Archie Shwert
swing naked from the chandelier
screamed that all his money derived
from prostitution and the opium trade.
Lady Makland's son Miles howled and
howled and confessed to an intimate
beastliness involving five guardsmen
of the royal household
two mareens and a brick layer
from Hadersfield.
Nina Blount...
Nina Blount...
grasped her stomach,
screamed she was a whore,
and misquoted several lines
of lady Macbeth
whilst Adam Fenwick-Symes cried
on heaven to bear witness
to his talentless penury and
hopeless illiteracy.
Never, never, never have such scenes
been witnessed in high society.
That uneasy alliance between bright
young things and old survivors.
Perhaps this was the defining moment of
our epoque of speed and syncopation,
this so-called 20th century of angst,
neuroses and panic.
Reader, be glad that you have
nothing to do with this world.
Its glamour is a delusion,
its speed a snare,
its music a scream of fear.
Faster and faster they swirled,
sickening themselves with every turn
The faster the ride, the greater the
nausia, the terror, the shame. Stop.
Yes, that's it.
Goodnight.
Poking, have you?
Have you seen it?
Of course I want to sue!
I want to sue, too.
I want to sue you, Margo,
I want to sue Monomark,
I want to sue this whole
damn country!
How much?! Am I covered?
I don't know, insurance against
acts of God, or acts of aristocrats!
He was insane.
He was upper-class.
He was English, for Christ's sake!
You know why I sent for you?
I need a new Mr Chatterbox
and you owe me.
After this, sir, you're gonna have to
close the column down.
Are you crazy? We sold a hundred
thousand extra copies this morning.
I've had new advertisers on the
telephone since 9 o'clock.
No, no, the hysteria I can handle.
And you're part of it.
You take the initiative,
make a story out of it.
The first thing we do
is you write a piece.
The last of the Balcairns!
Pitch it strong.
You knew the boy.
He was my friend.
Friend? Don't hand me that, son.
I'm offering you 15 pounds a week,
he was only getting 10.
Next year, when you finish your
book, it will be greated with great
critical acclaim by all my newspapers.
And don't forget!
I'm chairmen of the Montreal literary
prize.
Award-winning writer,
Adam Symes.
Sound good?
Meanwhile, you'll be getting
expenses.
Go to all the parties, race meetings,
and balls, you'll be going to anyway.
The real trouble is I'm not allowed
to write about anyone
who was at Margo's last night.
I mean, half of them are suing.
and the other half have only agreed
not to on the condition that their name
never appear in the column.
You could always make them up,
I suppose.
Make them up?
Half the people in the papers
one's never heard of, anyway.
Soldiers and explorers and painters
and composers and authors
Why not invent some new ones?
Say, that might be rather something.
We can have...
the beautiful... Imogen Quest.
Heiress, adventuress, absinth drinker...
Drug-addicted and insatiable lesbian.
I can't write that!
You could imply it.
You're right!
So, Imogen Quest and
how about...
The sinister count...
Zeldorf!
Nudist and...
Yodler!
I say, this could be rather fun!
I can even make up fashions!
If I can get Archie Shwert to wear
suede shoes by the end of the month,
you can call me Deirdre in public.
Yellow suede shoes.
Darling, you're a genius!
And green bowler hats.
Social, please.
Symes here.
Copy!
To Manchester races tomorrow
for the November handicap. Stop.
Oh, my dears, this is the this
most of them all.
To Manchester races tomorrow
for the November handicap.
Count Zeldorf, now romantically linked
to the man-hating Imogen Quest,
Tiger, darling, feet off the table, I think.
Is expected to be there in one of
the new green bowler hats
sweeping society.
Green bowler hat?
Imagine!
Imogen Quest? Everyone's
going on about her.
I don't believe there is such a person.
Archie told me you've met her,
didn't you, Archie?
Imogen?
Known her for years.
It's cold and windy and I'm bored!
Prentise, pack everyhing up, lazy chap!
Sir.
We have to collect my winnings.
Nina! I believe you know
who Chatterbox is.
No, really, I don't. Do I, Adam?
No, haven't a clue.
For all I know, it could be you, Miles.
Oh, if only!
I so need the money. Oh, by the way!
By the way, I do hope you're all
going to come and see Tiger here
and his darling little racing car
winning the RMS trophy next week!
Oh, I say, can we?
I dare say I can get you in.
But can we be, how do you say?
Backstage?
You'll have to pretend to be mechanics.
Only officials are allowed in the pit.
Oh, Adam, let's go!
I love cars!
You look far too pretty to be
a fast driver, Tiger.
Oh, dear, is that an awful thing to say?
Darling, he's not called tiger for nothing.
Behind the wheel this cherub
becomes a demon!
Follow mother!
Oh, such laughs!
Let's drive about.
You can drive us back to London.
Prentise can make his way by train,
can't you Prentise?
Sir.
Well, let's go back now then
before it gets dark.
Nina!
What, darling?
That voice!
Never mind. Look,
I have to stay, really.
Mr Chatterbox.
The big race is coming up.
Well, I'll stick with you then, darling.
We can get down by train.
Too much Agatha and too much Miles
are just, well,
Too much.
Whereas too much me is...
Not nearly enough.
I say, look! There's someone
actually in a green bowler.
Where?
There.
Oh, lord!
Who should I bet on for the
November handicap?
You're late, love.
You're under orders.
Oh...
Nina...
Yes, angel boy?
It's not really enough to get married
on, is it, 15 pounds a week?
Suppose you could always see
papa again...
Now that you're a successful journalist
he might take you more seriously.
Oh, dear!
What?
Number seven is not so unbearable.
Number seven?
It's Indian Runner!
Thirty to one! Who's ever heard of
Indian bloody Runner?
Oh my god, I was right!
Thirty three thousand pounds...
My major!
My bloody major!
Darling?
Look, Adam, this is Ginger!
We used to play as children and
he's been planting tea in Ceylon
and I haven't seen him for simply years,
isn't that a thing?
Danny Littlejohn. Only, I say, do
call me Ginger, everybody does.
Hang on.
Don't I know you, though?
Shepherd's hotel.
You did a coin trick.
Why, dash me twice! Your friend
won a thousan pounds off me.
Clever fellow.
That thousand pounds should now be
thirty-four thousand. Do you remember
me giving it to a drunken major?
Yeah, you won't see him for dust.
Thought so at the time, didn't like to say.
I know old majors. Yeah, they
stick at the ground in Colombo.
Don't pay their bridge debts,
famous for it.
Bad luck! Look, I don't know about you
two but I'm just about fed up with racing.
Why don't you come back to town
with me? My bus is parked outside.
I'll just settle up here.
Oh, Adam, let's.
Pots, darling, simply pots.
Gold coming out of his ears.
I thought we were gonna stay up here
and see your father.
Look, why don't you stay up and you
can see my papa in the morning
and then we can dine together tomorrow
night and you can tell me all about it?
I've got bags to catch up with old Ginger here.
Come on, then!
What about tomorrow's Mr Chatterbox?
I can't very well write about
a night in a Manchester hotel
and a visit to your father, can I?
Well, why don't I write it for you?
I'll be in London.
I know just the kind of things you say.
All right. I'll wire tonight's through to
the paper and you can do tomorrow's.
Deuce bit of luck running into you,
old girl!
Blast, I don't know anyone in the old world now.
I've been sitting around Shepherd's,
bored as a gherkin. Beware behind!
Symes!
Bye, Adam!
Good afternoon, lord Monomark.
I was hoping to see you here.
Wanted a word.
Now see here, Symes, I like your page.
It's peppy.
Lots of new names. It's got intimate
touch, which I like.
I read it every day.
So does my daughter.
We haven't had one single libel action
since you took over. Which is fine.
Now, what's all this about
bottle green bowlers?
Well, I... There are only
a limited number at present.
You got one?
Let me see a green bowler.
I don't actually wear one myself.
Well, where have you been seing them?
I haven't seen one of them.
Well, there was a young man here earlier.
One swallow does not a summer make.
Nor one hat a fad.
And another thing.
Count Zeldorf.
I don't say he doesn't exist.
But ambassador Von Ribbentrop
doesn't know a thing about him.
And I'm not in the business of
offending her Hitler.
So no more about him and no more
publicity for the restaurant Espinosa's.
They made up my bill wrong last night.
Espinosa's is the only place where I...
Have we got those three things clear?
Green bowlers, Zeldorf, Espinosa's.
Tabulate them in the mind, my boy!
One, two, three!
So, how's papa?
Very amiable.
Ten thousand this time.
Greta Garbo.
Oh, well... We won't bother
about him anymore.
By the way, I shan't be able
to come to the motor racing.
What?
I promised I'd help Ginger find
somewhere proper to live.
He's fed up with hotel life.
You know how thieving and ghastly
those housings can be.
I tried to telephone you last night.
Well, darling, it was
Rolo Littleworth's twenty-first
and I thought it would be worth going
for the sake of Mr Chatterbox.
You know I think I'd make
rather a good journalist.
What did you write?
A few things about Rolo's
being expelled from Eton,
and then, of course, I put in
lots of imaginary things,
and...
What sort of imaginary things?
Oh, I don't know.
I said I saw count Zeldorf going into
Espinosa's in a green bowler, you know.
You said that?!
Yes.
Well, wasn't that a good thing to say?
I thought that's what you...
Darling?
Excuse me!
What's wrong?
Central 4000, please.
Symes here. Put me through to
the night editor, please.
I've got a message for you.
A message?
I'll put you straight to his lordship.
No, no, no, no, hang on a second!
Symes?
Good evening, lord Monomark.
Bad tabulation there, young Symes!
I'm, I'm awfully sorry.
I'm disappointed in you.
Can't pretend that I'm not.
You're fired.
And now, Mrs Simpson, how can I
persuade you to return to America?
I mean,
you'd think there'd be a flubar.
Someone said something very
encouraging about a divine tent.
Officials, drivers, mechanics, stewards
and family only pass this point.
We're family.
Oh, yes? Which car?
Tiger La Bouchere.
He's my husband.
He's your what?!
My friend is confused, darling.
Tiger is my husband.
Look, there he is!
How dreamy he is!
What is it about boys and goggles?
P-13.
Hurah, my lucky number!
You should be in brassards by rights.
What's a brassard?
You caught someone's fancy.
Hello!
I've been looking for you everywhere!
Well, I've been looking for you!
Where's my money?
I can't hear you!
Where's what?
My money!
It's no good.
These infernal machines make too much
racket. What's your name?
Adam Symes!
I must know your name!
Adam Symes!
Look, I'm the spare mechanic!
How blissfully savage.
Now, rules. You can watch
from the pit on the track side.
You're not allowed to hand me
anything direct, but...
If I raise my left hand
as I come through the pit,
that means I shall be stopping
at the next lamp for petrol.
What does it mean if I wave this flag?
That you want me to stop.
But, angel botty, why should we
want you to stop?
Well, you might see something
wrong with the car.
Or one of the officials might want
the number plate clean.
Now, look here, Miles.
Less of the angel botty.
These people know me.
Clearly, they don't, darling. But don't
worry, I shall be discretion herself.
Come on, give it another go!
Come on, try it again!
Was that car supposed to explode?
It's number 13!
Come on, 13! Come on!
Oh well done, 13!
Agatha, darling, you know you really
shouldn't have waved that flag.
My dear, how awful. Why not?
Well, it's blue, that means he is
to stop at the next lamp.
Oh, lord, did I wave a blue flag?
My, dear, you know you did.
How shaming! What am I to say to him?
Let's go away before they come back.
You know, I think we'd better.
Let's find that divine tent
and have a drink.
Look, there's you boyfriend again.
Persistant, I'll give him that.
There you are!
You know I've been chasing you all over
London? Where the devil have you been?
I've been staying at Lottie's.
But she's never heard of you.
I'm going to admit I'd had rather
a few too many that night
and, to tell you the truth, I woke up
and things were rather a blur.
Then I found a thousand quid in my
pocket. And it all came back to me.
Some fellow at Lottie's had given me
his bundle to put on Indian Runner.
Now, as far as I knew,
the Indian Runner was no good.
I didn't want to lose your money for you
but the devil of it was I didn't know
you were Adam.
Adam, that's rather priceless.
Neither did Lottie, apparently.
You don't mean to say you still
got my thousand?
Well, on the day of the race I
didn't know what to do.
One half of me said: "Keep the thousand,
the chap is bound to turn up some time
and it's his business to do his own punting".
The other half said:
"Put it all on a favourite
and give him a run for his money".
So, you put it all on the favourite?
Well, in the end, I said young chap
must be frightfully rich.
If he wants to throw his money away,
that's none of my business.
So I planked it all on Indian Runner
for you.
You mean...
I mean I've got a nice little packet of 34
thou waiting for you to condescend
to pick it up!
Good heavens!
Look here, have a drink, won't you?
That's a thing I never refuse.
Archie, lend me some money until I
get this fortune, ok?
Well, how much do you want?
Enough to buy five bottles of champagne.
Darling, just think what parties
you can have!
How well your lady friend moves, sir.
Look here, old boy, makes me feel awful to ask.
You couldn't possibly lend me a fiver,
could you?
I'll give it to you at the same time
I hand over the 34 thou.
Of course. Archie, lend me a fiver!
Awfully good of you.
Would it be all the same if we made it
a telewire about it?
I'm sorry, I've only enough to get home.
That's all right, old, chap, I understand.
Not another word about it!
Look, you roll along to the Imperial
at about seven o'clock.
I'll give you your money then.
Glad to get it off my chest.
Wow, 34 thousand!
Auntie must powder her nose.
Would Miles be a darling?
Going down.
What's wrong with your driver?
One of the blokes has just hold
a spanner at him.
Did he want to scratch? Who's the
spare? Who's the spare driver?
Oh, wait! It's me! It's on my arm.
Oh. Are you going to scratch?
Certainly not.
What's your name?
Agatha. I'm the spare driver.
It's on my arm.
Yes, I can see it is.
All right then start off
as soon as you like.
Excuse me...
No, no, no, rules are rules.
In you pop, miss.
In you pop.
It's on my arm.
I say, Agatha, are you sure
you're all right?
It says on my arm there.
There's a good deal of Dom Perignon
swashing about inside you.
Are you quite sure it's
absolutely safe?
Well that's new to say that, Adam.
As long as no one throws a spanner,
well, there'll be quite a little fuss
and I'll get through it.
Well, goodbye.
Not so scary.
Well, good heavens, car 13 has stirred
off the course and seems to be speeding
across four acre field.
Oh, my dears, that's lucky for me.
A really good story on my
second day as Mr Chatterbox.
Where's that woman going
with my bloody car?
Oh, she's probably remembered
a party somewhere.
I expect you'll find it neatly parked and
polished and pretty in Barkley Square.
Shall we, then?
This motor racing is a bore.
I beg your pardon?
I take the trouble to find you...
Oh, don't be stiff and pompus,
Tiger, dear.
Tiger, we've had a splendid day.
We've enjoyed ourselves immensely
but it's getting late and I have to be
in town to pick up a fortune.
If there's so much as a scratch
on her bonnet...
I don't thin she was wearing
a bonnet, to be honest.
You bloody people!
Who the bloody hell do you
think you are?!
If you just like to sign in,
you excellency.
Excuse me?
A moment, sir.
Telegram, your excellency.
And you key.
Thank you.
Major!
My money.
Money?
A thousand pounds, plus 33 thousand.
Oh, that! People of Union Bank of London.
Never put your money into anything
that wasn't straight, old boy.
Yes, of course.
Very kind of you to have looked after it
for me.
Listen, you said you'd give me
the cheque this evening.
Ah, that's another matter.
I told someone I'd give them the cheque.
But how do I know it was you?
You might be a crook!
Look, I've got two friends waiting for me
in Palm Court who'd swear to you
I'm Adam Symes, will that do?
It may be a gang.
Besides, I don't know what
the name of the chap
who gave me the 1000 pounds was.
I only got you word for it.
Now, I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll sleep on it.
I'll tell you my decision when I awaken.
Don't think me suspicious, old boy.
We've just heard.
They found Agatha at Houston Station
Staring fixedly at the model engine
in the Central Hall.
Apparently, the station master asked
her name, but she just pointed to her
arm and said she was the spare driver.
So they've carted her off to
a mental home.
What?
Did you get your fortune?
The major's too drunk to recognise me
so he's just gone...
to... sleep.
Nina, I saw that major but
I'm affraid he might be bogus.
You haven't got any money.
No job, no money.
We shan't be getting married soon.
Not soon.
I see.
Well?
I said I see.
Is that all?
Yes, Adam, that's all.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, Nina.
When did you last pay us, dear? I must
make up that bill of yours some time.
You're right. By the way, Lottie, that
foreign monarch, is he still staying here?
The king of Where-was-it?
Yeah.
You might give him this.
Scusi, but there is a telephone for
Mr Symes.
Thank you, Basilio.
Oh, lord, it is mascara, isn't it?
Hello?
Darling, I'm affraid I've got something
rather awful to tell you.
I'm engaged to be married.
Who to?
I hardly think I can tell you.
Who is it?
Ginger.
I don't believe it.
Well, I am, that's all there is to it.
You're going to marry Ginger?
Yes.
I see.
Well?
I said I see.
Is that all?
Yes, Nina, that's all.
When shall I see you?
I don't want ever to see you again.
I see.
Well?!
I said I see!
Goodbye.
Don't do that, Ginger, darling.
Your moustache tickles.
Darling, I can't really see
who it is.
There are some cocktail
things in the wardrobe.
Do make a big one.
You look just like Adam Symes.
How are you feeling, Aggie?
Oh, rather odd, to tell you the truth.
How's Nina?
She's got engaged to be married.
Ginger, I expect?
Darling, you're so sweet.
Everyone guessed.
Pots of money.
Are you really upset?
Desperate.
Thinking of committing suicide like Simon.
Don't do that, darling.
Too many people are disappearing.
Did you get your money?
No, the drunken major's disappeared too.
Agatha, I have nothing.
All smashed up.
All to pieces.
You know all that time I was dotty
I had the most awful dreams.
I thought we were all driving
round and round at a motor race
and none of us could stop.
And there was an enormous audience
composed all entirely of
gossip writers and gate crashers and
Archie Shwert.
Bogus people all shouting at us
to go faster.
And car after car kept crashing
until I was left all alone.
Driving and driving.
And then I would crash.
And wake up.
Aggie, darling, how are you?
Goodness, how gothic!
How gloomy, how grim!
My dear, how blind making.
I bought some records
in a funny little shop.
You are angelic.
Do let's try them. There's a
gramophone under the bed.
I saw lots of people at Margo's.
Some are coming round. Do you mind?
Oh, no, let's have a party.
We've never had a party in a mental
inn before, have we? Or have we?
Have we?
I love you all so much!
Again, again!
I think we need a little more!
I say, Miles...
So sorry.
So silly.
Only it's the beastliest thing.
I've got to go now.
Train... France.
It's so unbearably...
unbearable.
Tiger...
Tiger of all people...
Tiger?
He left some letters.
From me.
Lying around.
The police have them.
There's a warrant.
For my...
I can't even go and pack.
Hello, Aggie! Oh, I say...
Miles?
What's up?
Goodbye, darling!
Goodbye, Archie.
You'll have a good story today, Van.
Adam...
Sorry, Nina.
Miles is in a scrape again.
What's happened?
Everyone's going round and
round and round!
Keep dancing, everybody!
Miles has to leave the country.
Police...
Oh, no...
Well...
This is all a bit bloody.
Thought you were never going
to speak to me again.
Well, it had to happen, didn't it?
Agatha's looking better
than I expected.
Oh, Nina...
What is it, darling?
Oh, Nina, what a lot of parties!
I know...
You're so hot...
Masked parties, savage parties,
Victorian parties...
Greek parties, Wild West parties,
Russian parties, circus parties,
parties where you have to dress
as somebody else
almost naked parties and St. John's
Wood parties and...
and flats, and studios, and houses,
and ships and hotels and night clubs,
and swimming baths and windmills...
Dances in London are so dull.
Comic dances and Scotland and
disgusting dances and the suburbs
all that succession and repetition of
masked humanity
all those vile bodies...
And now a party in a mental hospital!
Come back with me to Lottie's tonight.
No...
Please?
Ginger wouldn't like it.
Nina, do you love him?
Oh, Adam, how can you ask?
Then why?
Oh, Adam, how can you ask?
Money?
Bloody money.
It's all very well to look down on money,
but a girl's got to look after herself
these days.
Come and dine with me at Lottie's.
Ginger wouldn't understand.
Last time, Nina.
Well...
I believe you knew I was going to...
Oh, darling...
If only you were as rich as Ginger...
Or even half as rich.
Really? Cocktails and gramophone
in a sick room?
Who ever heard such a thing?
Out you go, the pair of you!
Hello, dears!
Hello, Lottie!
Hello, Basilio.
Buona sera, Miss Blount.
There was an angry fellow in here
for you today.
Looked like a debt collector.
Vulgar moustache.
I told him you've gone to Newcastle.
Don't like debt collectors.
What about my little bill?
We were thinking of
a spot of dinner first.
In the dinning room, dear?
Of course not.
I'll have Basilio bring it up
to your room.
Darling...
You're too divine.
How are you?
How are you?
How angelic of you all to come.
Ouch!
Only you must take care not to
fall out at the corners.
I wish I knew which thing is which
in this car.
Darling, do try and drive straight.
Faster!
Faster!
Faster!
That was the first day I met you.
Agatha and I came down to Oxford
to visit Miles.
You don't seem to be enjoying
yourself much this evening.
Sorry.
I'm being a bore.
Suppose I should go home now, really.
Yes.
What's the matter?
I'd give anything in the world for
something different.
Yes, but you don't have anything.
You do give me pain, you know?
Such pain.
So, the little bird has flown, has she?
Sit down and have a glass of wine, eh?
Let's sit.
Now, dear, what about my bill?
Oh, yes. Of course.
Well...
Have it made up and send it up to me.
I've got it here.
Bless you! What a lot you seem
to have drunk!
Well...
Thank you so much.
I'll send you down a cheque.
No, dear, suppose you write it down here.
Here's the pen, here's the ink and...
Oh, here's the blank cheque book.
All right.
78 pounds.
16 shillings.
And a twopence for the cheque.
And a twopence.
Charlie Chaplin.
There!
Adam Fenwick-Symes, what a
childish scroll!
Charlie Chaplin, indeed!
Private joke.
Look who's turned up!
If it isn't Mr... How do you do?
Come in and have a glass, dear.
I knew you before you were born!
Yes, I know, Lottie.
Look here, Symes, I want to
speak to you.
Perhaps we might go somewhere
where we won't be disturbed.
Bless you, boys, you just
have a nice chat.
There's no one in the bar parlour.
I won't bother you, I have lots to do.
And may the best man win!
Well?
What I'm about to say is that
What I'm about to say may sound
rather unpleasant.
But look here, you know, damn it!
I mean, the better man has won.
Not that I'm saying that I'm the better
man. I wouldn't say that for a moment.
Awful bad luck on you and all that,
but still. When you come to think of it,
Look here, you know, damn it!
Do you see what I mean?
Not quite.
Is it something about Nina?
Yes, it is.
We are engaged. I'm not having you
butting in or there'll be hell to pay.
What makes you think I'm butting in?
You dined with her last night and
stayed out jolly late, too.
How do you know we stayed out
jolly late?
Well, as a matter of fact, I had to
talk to her about something
jolly important and I called her up once
or twice and didn't get an answer
until 3 o'clock!
Suppose you rang her every 10 minutes.
Well...
Not as often as all that.
I've known her since we were children.
Used to play with her,
a friend of the family.
I mean I know you were sort of
engaged, but...
Believe me, I had her photo
by my bed in Ceylon.
I know that sounds rather wet,
but there you are.
I mean...
The thing is...
I trust her, you know?
Of course I trust her.
I'm only kidding myself.
I'm no oil painting.
She doesn't like my tache, but my
upper lip's got a birth mark on it.
You're saying she doesn't love you?
You're brainy.
You don't have a port wine stain
on your upper lip.
You may be broke, but girls are odd.
I want you to promise me...
How much is she worth to you?
Come again?
I'll sell her to you.
Good God, damn it.
I'll sell my share in Nina
for a 100 pounds.
You pretend to be in love with her
and you talk about her like that?
It's not decent.
Besides, a 100 pounds is a deuce of a lot.
Just put a deposit of 500 down for
a place in Charles St.
Investment's going up and down,
marriage isn't cheap...
A hundred pounds down and I leave Nina
to you. I think that's cheap!
Fifty!
A hundred!
Seventy-five!
A hundred!
Damn it, I won't pay more than seventy-five.
I'll take 78 pounds, 16 shillings and
twopence, I can't go lower than that.
All right.
You really will go away?
I'll try, Ginger.
Then you'll escape before Nina's heard,
poor girl.
I don't think you're a gentleman, sir.
Neither do I.
Miss Blount's residence.
Nina, it's Adam.
Oh, hello, darling!
I thought you might be Ginger.
I woke up feeling I couldn't face him.
He rang up last night just as I got in.
Anyway, I don't think I want to
marry him after all.
Say, Nina, rather a strange thing's
happened.
Lottie's presented her bill.
Oh, Adam... What did you do?
Well, I did something rather
extraordinary.
My dear, I sold you.
Darling! Who to?
Ginger.
He came round in a bate.
You fetch 78 pounds and 16 shillings.
Well...
And twopence.
Goodbye, Nina.
Sir, how may I thank you? You find
my pen with little eagles!
Oh, bless you! God bless you!
I am mad with joy!
Not at all, sir.
Come and listen to the wireless.
The funniest thing!
...that they were prepared at once to
withdraw their troops from Poland
the state of war would
exist between us.
I have to tell you now that no such
undertaking has been received.
and that, consequently, this country
is at war with Germany.
Dearest dear, I'm so glad you
wrote back at last.
How proud of you I am.
Everyone says you should have a VC.
Now, darling, the baby is called Tommy.
And he looks so like a miniature you.
Of course Ginger is convinced
that he's the father.
He and little Tommy are in a ghastly
house in Plat Street but, angel,
guess where I'm living now
to be near my new job?
Shepherd's Hotel of all places!
Do hurry home, darling, they started
bombing London, which is horrid.
Fender, hold!
I say, it's all right!
I'm English!
I'm English!
Are you now?
I can't really tell in this smoke.
My God!
You're the drunk major!
I'm not drunk, damn you, sir!
And, what's more, I'm a general!
What the deuce are you doing here?
To tell the truth, sir, I lost my platoon.
Lost your platoon?
I lost my whole bloody division!
Is it all over, sir?
Hard to say frankly.
Thing to do is head to the beach
and see if the Navy can pick us up.
Not that things are any better in London.
They bombed St James's last night.
Shepherd's Hotel flattened.
Poor old Lottie.
Hang on, I know you from her, don't I?
I owe you some money.
34 thousand pounds.
34 thousand and five!
Never forget a debt!
Looked for you everywhere
before this scratch started.
Even went to bloody Newcastle!
Might as well give you a cheque
here and now.
Shepherd's Hotel completely gone?
Yeah. All dead.
Name?
Adam Fenwick-Symes.
Shared a trench with a major
Fenwick-Symes during the last show.
My father.
He played a fool, too.
Or was it a violine? Ha!
There you go!
Thank you.
Got a case of bubbly in the car.
Let's see if there is any light in it.
It would have been blown away on
the beach by them Stukas, sir.
Bloody miracle, eh?
Yes.
Bloody miracle.
Are we in Dover?
That's right, sir.
Break open this door.
It's customs enacted property, sir.
Break it open, private!
Sir.
Sure you know what you're doing, sir?
There's something of mine in here.
At least, it might still be here.
So, what brings you to sunny Plat St.?
I just came to see you and the boy.
Can't offer you much to drink.
Well done on all those medals.
If it hadn't been for my fallen archers,
my ass would have...
Absolutely.
Tommy! Turn that row off!
Come and meet your godfather!
Sorry, we didn't ask your permission.
Nina didn't get mine.
Hello, Tommy.
I'm Adam.
How do you do?
How do you do?
Ginger, did they ever find Nina?
Nina? She's having a whale of
the time in the factory.
She's alive?
Of course she is.
I thought everyone at Shepherd's
was killed.
Oh... Nina was in the night shift.
No, she'll be back later.
This war has been all right for some.
I'm gonna be arrested.
Arrested?
Bloodiest thing.
Tried to help people out.
A little petrol here,
Some life's little luxuries there...
I mean, dash it, war cannot all be misery!
Anyway, I've had everything
confiscated and I'm gonna be arrested.
Are you a soldier?
Yes, Tommy, I am.
It's all just so damnably unfair!
All right for some.
If I just had some cash i could...
make it to Ireland and move over to America.
They appreciate people like me in the States.
How much?
How much do you need?
Well, lot of people to sweeten on the way.
How would 34 thousand do?
34 thousand... pounds?
And five.
I'll buy Nina and Tommy off you for
34 thousand and five.
Hadn't we done this before?
Ginger?
Are you drunk?
... whereas I Ginger Littlejohn in
consideration of the sum of
34 thousand and five pounds do
relinquish all claims of my wife Nina
Littlejohn and son Thomas Edward.
Signed Ginger Littlejohn.
Have I been sold again?
Do you mind terribly?
Have we any money left?
None at all.