Brilliantovaya ruka (The Diamond Arm) (1969) Movie Script
MOSFILM
The Luch Artistic Association
THE DIAMOND ARM
A screen novel in two parts
from the life of smugglers,
with prologue and epilogue.
Screenplay by
M. SLOBODSKY
Ya. KISTYUKOVSKY, L. GAIDAI
Directed by
Leonid GAIDAI
Photographed in the air, on the earth,
on the water and underwater
by Director of Photography
Igor CHERNYKH
Production Designer
F. YASYUKEVICH
Music by A. ZATSEPIN
Sound by Ye. INDLINA
Conductor - E. KHACHATURIAN
Lyrics by L. DERBENYOV
The Studio wishes to thank
the organizations and persons
that had provided for the shooting
real diamonds and gold.
This film has been photographed
by a half-hidden camera.
THE DIAMOND ARM
Starring
Nina GREBESHKOVA
Nonna MORDYUKOVA
Svetlana SVETLICHNAYA
Anatoly PAPANOV
Andrei MIRONOV
Stanislav CHEKAN
Vladimir GULYAEV
Also starring
Ye. MELNIKOVA
A. FAIT, N. ROMANOV
G. SHPIGEL, L. KANEVSKY
And also...
V. OSTROVSKAYA, S. KHOLINA
T. NIKULINA, R. FILIPPOV
N. TROFIMOV, A. YACHNITSKY
L. POLYAKOV, G. KACHIN
Besides,
A. KHVYLYA, G. SVETLANI
A. KOZUBSKY, V. KUPRIYANOV
I. VASSILENKO
I. ZHEVAGO, V. URALSKY
And with
Sasha LISYUTINA
Mitya NIKOLAYEV
And at last...
With the participation of
YURI NIKULIN
Part One
THE DIAMOND IS ALMOST INVISIBLE
We bring you a live broadcast
from our sea port.
This snow-white liner
is to depart on its next cruise,
carrying a large contingent
of Soviet tourists
on a very fascinating voyage.
- Hello!
- Hello.
What is your name, please?
Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
- And whats your occupation?
- Senior bookkeeper.
Is there something you would like
to say to our dear listeners
before leaving
for this fascinating journey?
As a matter of fact,
I didnt want to go.
I was about to buy my wife
a fur coat.
The fur coat can wait.
Its more important to see the world.
He works day and night...
The fur coat can wait.
So youve never before...
No. We never travelled farther
than Dubrovka.
Is it your first trip abroad, too?
- Im not going.
- Weve come to say goodbye to dad.
Fish Street. Thats an important
street there. The Chikanuk pharmacy.
Lyolik, I remember it all.
Everything you do must look very
real. You fall down and swear...
Damned apple!
No...Damned melon!
Keep that in mind!
The injury...
Everything should be true to life.
As our chief says, The most important
thing in our business is realism.
Happy landings, tourist!
No, dont...
Just go!
- Good morning!
- Good morning!
- Is this Cabin 16?
- Yes, its 16.
Are you bunking here, too?
Yes. Im Gennady Petrovich Kozodoyev.
Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
- I hope well become friends.
- Oh, I think so.
- Are you bringing along souvenirs?
- No.
- I have some here...
- Vodka?
MIKHAIL SVETLOV
Day Seven
of this fascinating cruise...
I love the song
about hares.
Senya, its not topical,
about hares!
Island of Bad Luck!
All covered with greenery,
Absolutely, stark,
Lies in our itinerary
An island of bad luck.
There live the savages,
Poor, wretched guys,
Faces bear ravages,
But kind under disguise.
Whatever theyre doing,
It never goes right.
They must be born to ruin
On a very black Friday night.
Crocodiles not caught,
Coconuts wont grow.
They weep and pray to God
For days and days in a row.
They are no idlers,
They could have had a ball.
They ought to cancel Fridays
Once and for all.
But, alas, no calendar
On the isle, theres not!
Every living islander
Just goes for a naught.
But, alas, no calendar
On damn isle, theres not!
Thats why poor savages,
From early morn till night,
Counting their damages,
Lament over their plight.
The poor devils moan,
Cursing their fate.
What year is unknown,
As is unknown the date.
...Finally, here is the last
port of call
before returning
to their motherland...
Ladies and gentlemen, were now
in what is called the old town.
During the rule of the great
Emperor Shumunshin-Shah the Third,
on these heights,
the Imperial architects had built
a marvelous ensemble,
which included a palace, a mosque,
a 1,200-bed harem,
and many other... similar delights.
Have you gone crazy?
Somethings wrong.
She wants me to go and see.
Hey, no, no, impossible!
- What does she want?
- I'll tell you later.
Lady, Senora, Frau, Miss,
its out of the question.
Russo turista, capito, moralita!
Verstehen? Thats it!
But what does she want?
We are most grateful to you. It was
a very interesting excursion.
Attention, please!
Now everyone will be on his own.
You can walk around the town.
But at five oclock sharp,
everyone must be back on board.
See you later.
Guesha! Why are you leaving me
in the lurch?
I didnt leave you. I was waiting.
Lets go this way.
Wheres he?
Dont worry,
hell come.
- The password is Damned melon?
- Damned melon.
Are you sure hes on the SS
Mikhail Svetlov?
We were assured that he was.
The ship is leaving in an hour!
Shut up!
Sorry, I guess I lost my temper.
You know...
Guesha!
Excuse me, Miss...
Damned melon!
Damned melon!
- Russo?
- Yes.
- Mikhail Svetlov?
- Yes, yes.
Damned melon.
Damned melon...
Whats wrong with him?
Its a very bad sprain.
Hes even lost consciousness.
Lets get down to work.
Damned melon! .
Mikhail Svetlov...
Damned melon!
Damned melon!
Russo?
Mikhail Svetlov?
Why didnt you use your brains?
But the other one gave the password
too. Damned melon.
There follows an untranslatable play
on words
with the use of local idiomatic
expressions.
Comrades, its time!
The ship leaves in half an hour!
Those idiots claimed
he was unconscious.
So the poor fool has no idea
whats going on.
Thats perfect!
Whats this?
Nothing. Just contraband items
someones trying to smuggle in.
Dont worry.
Calm down... Drink some of this.
I never touch the stuff.
Havent you read about it in House
and Home? Doctors recommend it.
It will calm your nervous system
and soothe your arteries.
Drink up.
Captain,
what do I do now?
Nothing.
Just have fun and relax.
But dont breathe a word to anyone
about that contraband stuff.
And if someone wants to know
what happened to my arm?
Say you slipped, fell down
and got a closed fracture.
You were knocked out, and when you
came to, it was already in a cast.
I slipped, fell down,
a closed fracture.
I was knocked out,
I came to-a plaster cast.
And dont worry,
Ill notify everyone concerned.
Thank you very much.
Dont you remember a thing?
Be careful!
- Why? I remember very well.
- You remember what?
I slipped...
got knocked out.
When I came to, I had this cast.
Thats all!
- I wish I fell instead of you.
- Thanks. Thats nice of you, Guesha.
Please, take care of your arm, Senya.
Nadia is going to be upset.
Thats cest la vie,
as Frenchmen say.
Im sorry, friend!
Are you finished? Must I go already?
Yes, move along, youre in the way.
- Youre through with me?
- Thats right.
Could it be that the Captain didnt
notify the customs? What do I do now?
There he is! The stuff is safe.
As safe as in a safe.
And the key?
To quote our chiefs immortal words,
Once a halfwit always a halfwit.
- I dont get it.
- Youll get it. Lets go to the chief!
Hands off me!
- Where are we going?
- Home.
So you had a look at some foreign
ports?
Yes, foreign ports.
Where should I go?
To the police? Or home?
This is the way home.
I didnt give him my address.
Wheres he taking me?
Theres just one road here
that goes into the city.
I want to go to Morskaya Street,
number 21, apartment 9.
entrance three, third floor.
Whats wrong with your arm?
Why is he interested in my arm?
He looks suspicious.
I slipped, fell down, got knocked out,
came to already in a cast.
Excuse me, youre an amateur actor,
arent you?
Yes, thats right.
Why did I lie to him?
Why did he ask me?
Hes trying to get information from
me. He looks more and more suspicious.
Why did he turn there?
He should have kept going straight.
The highways blocked for repairs.
We should make a detour.
- Stop! Lets give them a lift!
- I cant. Its against regulations.
He didnt pick up those girls.
Hes not a taxi driver. Hes a bandit.
Why did you wait to tell him
who you were?
I wanted to check
if hes really fit for the job.
Did he prove it?
He proved it, Colonel.
Hes perfect!
I never dreamed that hed...
Hit you with the cast?
Yes, sir!
I probably should have...
No sense in it.
Does he agree?
He agrees.
But still, I think we might...
No sense in it.
- May I suggest...
- You may not!
- Maybe you'll let me...
- Yes, do that.
This operation is your baby.
Act as you see right.
Now go on with your report.
Yes, sir. When we became better
acquainted, I outlined our plan...
What do I do now?
Nothing. Live as usual.
Theyre going to bite the bait.
Theyll be watching you,
well be watching them.
As soon as they try to get the cast,
well close the trap.
Like Im the live bait.
I know, Im a fisherman myself.
They might offer to pay a ransom,
but I can bargain too.
I dont think so. Theyre convinced
you dont know a thing.
Theyll want their goods back, without
paying and without your noticing.
How can they take a plaster cast off
without my noticing?
Im not sure how theyll try to do it,
but they can get you drunk,
drug you or knock you out.
Its no problem to do it on someone
whos knocked out or even dead.
Whos dead?
But I dont really think
itll go that far.
Couldnt you let someone else
wear this plaster cast
for a little while?
Well, you can always say no.
No, Im no coward,
Im just afraid.
Afraid I wont be able to do it.
Every man can do many things,
but, sadly enough,
not everyone is aware of it.
Thats right, it happens so often.
Lets set up the liaison.
Now what are you doing,
Semyon Semyonovich?
How are we going to organize it?
In case we must speak to you...
Come to my place.
And when you must speak to us...
Ill call a taxi and give my name.
Then Ill come, or maybe my assistant.
Everything clear?
Thanks very, very much.
And Im sorry I was so...
Forget it, weve seen much worse.
Wont you come up
and meet my wife?
Weve already agreed,
nobody must know about this.
- Not even Nadia?
- No one.
I understand.
Semyon Semyonovich!
Your bags...
Senya, the door.
Welcome back, Semyon Semyonovich!
Sorry that Im so late.
But my social work comes first.
Whats wrong with your arm?
On Wednesday youre giving a lecture.
Weve put up the posters.
Youre the only one from our
community who has ever been there.
The subject is
New York, City of Contrasts.
I havent been to New York,
Ive been to Istanbul.
Istanbul, City of Contrasts.
What difference does it make?
But what about your arm?
A closed fracture. I was knocked out.
When I came to, I had this cast on.
So unpretentious, but in good taste.
Thats really nice!
Oh yes, so whats it about your arm?
Thats for you. A souvenir.
Thank you, Semyon Semyonovich!
Just press the button.
- Isnt it funny?
- Very funny.
Thanks.
Did you see Sophia Loren?
Did you drink Coca-Cola?
How does it taste?
Go to sleep.
Doctors recommend it.
Itll help me sleep.
I read it
in the House and Home magazine.
Tell me exactly
what did you do to your arm?
I slipped, I fell down,
and got a closed fracture.
I knocked myself out,
when I came to I had this cast on.
I heard all that already. Please tell me
the truth, horrible as it may be.
I walked in the street and I slipped...
You never knew how to lie, did you?
I know what happened.
Who told you?
Im sure its not a closed fracture.
What have you got there?
Gold and diamonds.
Stop kidding!
You havent got a closed fracture.
You got a compound fracture!
Lets go to bed now.
You should be killed for that!
Please dont beat me!
Ill fix everything!
I want to see you dead!
I want to see you in your grave,
with a shroud around you!
I want to see you living only
on your salary!
Victor, cant you read?
Dogs walking not allowed!
Mommy, look!
Oh, get down from there!
Our lawns arent made to walk on!
- Then what are they made for?
- Their aesthetic beauty!
Then where can I walk him?
You can walk him in your flat!
What is this?
Good morning!
Ive been to London.
There, dogs walk anywhere they want.
Dog is mans best friend.
It may be in London
that dog is mans best friend,
but here, mans best friend
is the superintendent.
Treasure handed to government
Old man!
Have you got a light?
- What? You deaf and dumb?
- Right!
I thought so...
There he is!
Hes an idiot.
Theres no problem.
Well trap him! Itll be easy.
Invite him to go fishing
at the Black Stones.
Like we agreed.
And arrange to spend the night there.
Only do things right.
Like give flowers to his old lady,
and ice-cream to both brats.
If only you can remember all that,
Lord Nelson!
You lamebrain! The ice-creams
for the brats!
Oh, my eye? Its nothing,
its getting better.
Senya, hows your arm?
No pain?
Can you move your fingers?
No, no, the other arm.
Good, youll be okay.
Youre his friend.
Please, use your influence.
He doesnt take his arm seriously.
You know whats wrong with daddys
arm? Its not what he tells everybody.
And what is it?
Hes got a compound fracture,
not a closed one.
Now go to your mama.
Senya, lets go trout fishing with me.
To the Black Stones. Well rent
a boat and spend the night there, huh?
No, not for the night.
My arm might catch cold.
- Lets go in the morning.
- Anything you say.
- So, at the crack of dawn then?
- Right!
What are you doing?!
Put down the gun
and apologize this very minute!
Such a charming child!
Our fashions were created by
designer Margarita Semyonova,
architect Rogal Levitskaya,
chief designer
Albert Mudrik.
Here is our summer combination
outfit Universal-69,
which earned a prize of encouragement
at the regional modern garment forum
in Zhitomir.
The original feature of this model
being that you can very easily
change the coat into a jacket.
But thats not all!
With just a twist of your wrist,
your trousers are changed...
your trousers are changed...
the trousers are changed...
to elegantly looking shorts.
You will forgive us the delay
due to a technical incident.
And finally, we present our latest
model,
a beach ensemble
Mini-bikini-69.
Why is the chief here?
The plans been changed. Youll pull
off the operation at White Rock.
- Why?
- Not such a big crowd there.
They dont bite at White Rock!
Theyll bite so well that our customer
will forget about everything.
Is all the rest according to the plan?
Everythings the same otherwise.
Youll knock him out a little...
You know, thats not artistic.
But its cheap and very practical.
Chip off the plaster and we split.
What about my alibi?
Try and get marks of violence
on your face.
But Im begging you to...
Dont you worry, Kozlodoyev.
Kozodoyev!
Kozlodoyev!
Ill bash you real carefully,
but hard.
Good evening.
Where are you going so late at night?
Im going fishing early in the morning,
and I forgot to go to the bakers.
Theres one open
at the other end of town.
Poor guy!
To think that it shouldve been me.
Get drunk and itll be you.
Lets load him on.
Good evening, Semyon Semyonovich!
But I dont know you.
- Call me Volodya.
- Senya.
I bring you greetings from
Mikhail Ivanovich.
He wants to see you urgently.
- When?
- Why not now?
Then Ill be late to buy bread.
Dont worry, Ive got my car.
Well, thanks very much, Volodya.
Good night.
I wish you a good fishing trip.
Youre sure youll be going
to the Black Stones?
Yes.
Good night then!
Our tenants dont go to the bakers
in a taxi.
I guess this is it.
Or maybe...
We shouldnt have come here.
The fish bite better at Black Stones.
Theyre going to bite so well here
that youll forget about everything.
Help!
Help me!
SOS!
Lyolik!
Idiot!
Mama! Im going to die!
Lyolik!
Help!
Mama!
- Why are you yelling like that?
- Dont interfere, boy!
Lets pray to our Lord...
Get out of my way, milksop!
Get out of here!
There go ducks flying...
As well as two geese...
The chiefs giving us a big chance
to make it up to him.
The place for this new operation
under the code name wild duck...
will be a restaurant called
The Weeping Willow Tree.
Straight north of the building,
about a hundred yards off,
therere toilettes of a john kind...
which are designated on the map
by the letters M and W.
The path leading to the toilettes
goes by a spruce tree,
where I will be.
Thatll be our stationing.
Your mission is to invite the customer
to the restaurant for dinner,
then bring him to the right condition
until he wants... to wash up.
After you show him the way,
you immediately regain
your original position.
Youve got an alibi
no one will challenge,
while our customer, passing by the
spruce tree, gets into my hands.
Everything that follows is just
a matter of expertise.
But how am I going to bring him to
the right condition? He doesnt drink.
To quote our chief,
When theres a sucker who pays
youll see teetotalers drink,
including those who have ulcers.
With just a salary to live on,
you cant take taxis!
Give me a hundred tickets.
If you buy them, just imagine,
you can win...
A fire engine!
Stop your advertising. Im not buying
tickets to win.
Peddle these tickets
to our tenants.
If they wont buy,
Ill cut off their gas.
Is everything perfectly clear?
Hang around all the markets,
and the free exchange stores.
Be seen in the restaurants.
Let people see you as much as you can.
Here, for your expenses.
No, no, I wouldnt think of it!
Please, no initiative.
Take it, its five hundred rubles.
In the new denomination?
- Something wrong with your head?
- I hid the cash.
- Come on, Semyon Semyonovich...
- I got it.
And take this.
Whats that for?
You can never tell.
I havent had it in my hands
since the war.
Its not a real gun,
its rather psychological.
You can use it to scare someone.
We loaded it with blanks.
Cant I have a real one?
You can never tell.
- No, youd better not.
- I see.
Semyon Semyonovich,
whats the matter with you?
Thats how it should be.
The Weeping Willow Tree Restaurant
Fedya, wed like to have also...
a wild duck.
No problem.
- What are we going to drink?
- Beer for me, huh?
A bottle of vodka and a bottle of
cognac. And two bottles of beer.
Oh, I forgot to call my mother.
One second...
Good evening!
I told Fedya to bring a wild duck.
I hope you have some?
Lyolik, Im waiting.
Soon our customer will be ripe.
I saw the chief. Hes here.
- Is this one taken?
- Yes, sorry.
Thats it. Here we go again.
Keep calm.
And dont sit there. Act.
Excuse me, wheres the telephone?
Thanks.
This is Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
Please send a taxi to the Weeping
Willow Restaurant.
Its urgent.
Well, shall we start?
No, no, Ive got my beer.
Hes watching me.
Let him see that Im drinking.
- Heres to your bonus.
- And may it not be the last one.
After the first drink, one never eats.
Lets drink some vodka to your health!
All right.
Have a chaser.
Ill bet that if anyone of you
had found a treasure,
you would have done exactly
like I did.
What are you going to do
with your reward?
For the money that the state
has to pay me by law...
on my friends advice,
Im going to buy a Moskvitch car.
The very latest model!
One second.
The customer is nearly ripe.
You better get ready!
Im always ready!
You idiot!
- What do you want?
- To see you, pal.
- Dont you recognize me?
- I dont think so.
- Lets have a drink.
- Why not?
I didnt recognize you right away
either.
Why did you shave your mustache?
I said, why did you shave off
your mustache, dumbbell?
Whose mustache?
- To whom have I the honor?
- I went to school with this dumbbell.
Why did Volodya shave his mustache?
Senya, hurry up and tell the comrade
why Volodya shaved his mustache.
Weve got very little time.
Sorry, Im mistaken.
If youd had a mustache, youd be
the double of Volodya Trynkin.
- At what time does your plane leave?
- Yes, the plane...
If you get a chance to go to Siberia...
If you get a chance to go to Siberia,
youll be very welcome.
Why dont you better come to see us?
See you around.
Im glad hes not the smuggler.
He looks like a likable guy.
Why did I drink all that stuff?
Senya, are you in the right condition?
- What condition?
- The right one?
No!
- In that case, one more drink...
- No!
You must!
Senya, do you respect me?
I do, but Im through.
- Then Im going to bite you.
- Go ahead.
Guesha, people are staring.
- Will you drink with the duck?
- Why not?
- Fedya, the duck!
- The duck!
- Is that a duck?
- Thats a duck!
They dont drink vodka with duck.
We must drink...
I get you. Fedya, champagne!
- Heres to you.
- Thanks.
Perhaps you wish to wash up a bit?
You heard what he said?
Time to wash up! Lets go.
- And the duck?
- It wont fly away. Its cooked.
Behave yourself... Hurry up!
Straight north of the place,
about a hundred yard walk.
Now what?
Senya!
Song about the hares!
In the heart of the woods
Where leaves twirl in flight,
Where age-old oaks
Loom like wizardly gods,
Hares mowed the grass
In a grove at midnight,
And they sang a strange song
With the following words:
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Though owls and wolves
Make us real wuss.
Weve got a job to do
At this hour of voodoo,
Were mowing the grass,
A truly magic grass.
And the wizardly oaks
Whisper something in darkness.
By the stench-soaked bogs,
Shadows loom in the rain.
Hares mow their grass,
Feeling lost, feeling luckless,
And out of fright
Hasten their refrain:
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Though owls and wolves
Make us real wuss.
Weve got a job to do
At this hour of voodoo,
Were mowing the grass,
A truly magic grass.
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
We firmly believe
In the saying of the past,
That boldll be the one
Who thrice this has done:
At the hour of voodoo
Mowed magic grass.
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Bolder well be
Than the lion, king of beast!
Well hold out once,
We wont screw this chance,
And no evil thing
Will ruffle us in the least!
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Bolder well be
Than the lion, king of beast!
Well hold out once,
We wont screw this chance,
And no evil thing
Will ruffle us in the least!
Something has to be done.
We wont put up with drunkenness!
But you know very well,
Varvara Sergeyevna, that...
I know a lot more than you do,
my dear. Where did he get the money?
He was invited by a friend
who had gotten a bonus.
According to police records,
just for one bay window he broke
he paid ninety seven rubles
and eighteen kopecks.
Where did he get that kind of money?
Your husband has changed
since that cruise.
The corruptive Western influence.
Those idiotic toys.
And the thing he said about dogs.
The best friend of man.
Its odd,
and this is only an understatement.
All those elements of la dolce vita!
I wouldnt be surprised to hear
that your husbands secretly
seeing a mistress.
What?!
- Is this yours?
- Mine.
- And where did you get it?
- You know where.
That cruise, huh?
Hes been enrolled in a spy ring!
How could he do that?
Hes so naive.
His arm... They tortured him!
Why didnt I think of it before?
Oh, my God!
We couldnt care less...
What am I going to do?
And what happens to the children?
Such a disgrace!
Theres only one way out.
Just one way out...
Just one.
Enough!
Only aristocrats and degenerates
drink champagne in the morning.
Were going to see the chief
right now!
I cant go in my condition.
I need to take a bath at least,
and a cup of coffee.
Youll get your bath all right there,
and coffee, too.
Even some cocoa with tea!
Lets go!
Lets go, Guesha.
Nadia! Nadia, honey!
Senya, calm down.
Theres a way out.
You must go to the police
and tell them everything.
- About what?
- Your treason.
SHAME ON THE DRUNKARD AND
DEBAUCHER S.S. GORBUNKOV!
How could you possibly imagine that?
You, my wife,
mother of my children!
Oh no! Not that!
How else could I possibly explain it?
You could imagine anything,
but not that!
Oh, this is the end!
Where did you get that gun
and that money?
Shut up, you wretched soul!
Shut up!
Senya, tell me, where did you get
that pistol and that money?
I beg you, please tell me!
All right, I will tell you.
But dont say a word to anyone!
I swear.
Its a state secret.
That money and that gun were given me
to help me with my mission.
- What mission?
- Sorry, I cant tell you that.
When the time comes,
youll know everything.
You might even... get a reward...
After Im gone!
Thats a marvelous plan, chief!
At twelve oclock it will be ready
to roll.
A genius!
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Bon jour, Madame.
Im enchanted to welcome you
in this modest, but rather cozy...
Salut, wonder boy!
The chief sent me.
Everything is ready.
- The papers?
- The passport is right here.
- Which joint?
- Hotel Atlantic.
A nice double room, all prepaid.
- The guy?
- Front view. Profile.
The fee?
An advance, for starters.
One pill will be enough.
Excuse me, havent you got the same
thing, but without the wings?
No, sorry, we havent.
Well, Ill look around.
Havent you got something like this,
but with mother-of-pearl buttons?
No, sorry, we havent any.
Well, Ill have a look around.
- Who, me?
- Yes.
Excuse me.
I overheard you...
Ive got what youre looking for,
with the mother-of-pearl buttons.
Only its in my suitcase at the hotel.
- Do you need it badly?
- Yes.
Then Ill give you my address.
Hotel Atlantic.
Its not far from here.
Will nine oclock be convenient
for you?
All right then.
Here you are. Ill be looking forward
to seeing you.
Nine sharp. Hotel Atlantic.
Room 327. Anna Sergeyevna.
I have a gut feeling
its a real fish this time.
What does she look like?
I see.
Keep on your toes. I expect a better
show from you than last night.
I dont drink at all.
A friend invited me.
By the way, how is he
after last night?
I dont know, he didnt phone.
All right, go to the hotel
and act depending on the situation.
There might be accomplices there,
check it out.
Is your gun with you?
The psychic one.
Well hear your signal.
The note, please.
Chanel, number five.
Ill be seeing you!
Where are you going?
Ah, your mission.
- Be careful!
- Ill be all right.
Ill be back soon.
Hotel Atlantic
- The customers here.
- Perfect.
Hello, Five? He just went in.
Roger. Out.
Hotel Atlantic. Room 327.
Anna Sergeyevna. Nine oclock.
Come in!
At last!
Good evening.
Have a seat. Ill be right with you.
What are you up to?
Whats the matter?
My cuff link. It rolled under there.
Here, it came off.
You nearly frightened me to death.
Let me help you.
I thought something had really gone
wrong.
See, my hearts thumping like crazy.
Feel it.
Feel it.
I feel it.
As soon as hes asleep,
shell turn out the lights.
What if he leaves?
- Could you leave a girl like that?
- But hes a faithful husband.
There is no husband
who has not longed to be a bachelor
at least for an hour.
Look out for the signal!
How about that gown?
A friends going to bring it
in a minute or two.
- Do you mind waiting?
- No, I dont mind.
In the meantime, would you like
some wine?
Id rather have... beer.
I only have wine.
Heres to our chance encounter.
Come on, drink!
Whats keeping your friend?
Maybe, Ill come back another time?
Who cares about her anyway?
My gown is as good as hers.
Let me show you.
Its not my fault, I swear!
He came here on his own!
I saw your special mission.
After such a monstrous lie,
I will not stay with you any longer!
Im sure the children will understand
when they grow up.
Ill take care of the divorce
formalities. Goodbye.
Good morning.
Ive got to leave right now
for Dubrovka.
Right! But not now.
Tomorrow well send you a taxi.
Will eight oclock be all right?
But why not today?
Today well need your help.
We want you
to meet your friend.
The one you took a fishing trip with.
The man who invited you to dinner.
Ah, Gennady Petrovich...
Youll see him
and tell him casually
that at eight oclock tomorrow,
you plan to go out to Dubrovka.
And, most importantly,
youll tell him, also casually,
that the casts coming off your arm
the day after tomorrow.
- Is it Guesha?
- Yes.
Then why havent you...
We didnt want to scare off
a more important fish.
ANNOUNCING COMRADELY TRIAL
OF THE DEBAUCHER AND
DRUNKARD S.S. GORBUNKOV
- You sing beautifully!
- Oh, come on...
Have you known citizen Gorbunkov
for long?
Yes, ten years, sorry to say.
So for ten years he hit the bottle,
debauched and led an immoral life?
For ten years he has very cleverly
masked himself
as a decent person.
I didnt trust him, though.
Dont you think we must always
trust people?
I dont think
you can ever trust a man
except in the most extreme cases.
- Thats really your opinion?
- Yes.
Listen... who are you anyway?
I work with him.
Say, hes a colleague.
I see. Booze partner.
You get out of here!
As you say among yourselves,
back to your cage!
All right, but just one question.
Did you use good glue to put it up?
Dont worry, lush,
you cant rip it off!
Now take it off, please.
Chief, were done for.
The cast is going to be removed,
the customers leaving...
Ill kill him! .
Where are you going
so early in the morning?
To see my family at Dubrovka.
Did you call for a taxi
to go to Dubrovka?
Yes, I did.
Get in.
- Goodbye.
- Have a nice trip.
Why didnt Mikhail Ivanovich
come?
And Volodya?
Are they busy?
- What is your rank?
- What rank?
Are you like Volodya,
a lieutenant in the police?
A lieutenant... First Lieutenant...
May l, to impress my wife,
call you that?
Comrade First Lieutenant?
- Is it all right if I do?
- Yeah, sure.
And please be sure to tell her
that you put me on a special mission
that evening at the hotel.
And for her not to get worried,
just keep quiet
about smugglers,
diamonds and gold.
Keep quiet? It cant be done.
I have to consult about it
with the chief... with those above me.
- With Mikhail Ivanovich?
- Yes, with Mikhail Ivanovich.
Give him my best regards.
Hello? Chief? Its me...
Chief, this is me, Lyolik!
He took off for Dubrovka
twenty minutes ago.
In a taxi. It was a beige Volga.
The number was 28-70 OGO.
Roger. I got it.
Guesha is nineteen kilometers out.
To hell with him anyhow. Roger.
Were going by a new operational
plan,
keeping a low profile.
Mikhail Ivanovich sends his regards.
Everythings going to be all right,
and even better.
Your old lady will get you fit as
a fiddle, without a cast.
Mikhail Ivanovich has ordered
the cast removed today.
- Youve caught him?
- You bet we have.
- And who is it?
- Some dimwit.
Why go back to your place?
No point in wasting time.
Weve got a spot by the road
where we can knock the cast off.
To quote our dear chief...
Mikhail Ivanovich,
youve got to strike the iron
when youre close to the swag.
Were going to reduce it to shreds
and get at every stone and coin in it.
Could you please take inventory
and make a list of everything?
Sure, were going to do it all legal,
with receipts and everything.
Well even take your finger prints.
Our operation will take at most
about fifteen minutes.
Soften down the plaster
while I pick all the stuff up.
Lots of work.
Gee, youve got everything it takes,
havent you?
Weve got to scarper.
The chief just gave me the order
to find another pad.
So we move out of here.
Your mustache... one side has come off.
Thanks.
Hands up!
Copter Seven, what do you see
on the road? Will you report?
All I see is a milk truck
going towards town.
No sign of any taxi.
Am keeping on observing.
End of Part One
MOSFILM
THE DIAMOND ARM
A screen novel in two parts
from the life of smugglers,
with prologue and epilogue.
Synopsis of Part One.
Part Two
THE BONY LEG
No beige taxi
ever entered Dubrovka.
Will you inspect Quadrangle 45!
Stop!
Stop! Wait!
- Could you take me to town please?
- Whats up?
Its a top secret affair of State!
- All right, climb in.
- Youve got to hurry!
Im just learning to drive,
dont you see?
Were short of time!
Time is money.
When you see money, dont lose time.
We must strike the iron
when were close to the swag.
Hands up!
Both of you! Or this thing
will go off!
They did it all for nothing.
Therere no diamonds in there.
Therere not?
Who ever told you
they were in the plaster?
That man with the false mustache
figured the same thing.
The police took them long ago, chief.
Hey, hold it! Stop, you morons!
To quote an old friend of mine
whos now buried,
I knew too much.
Seven calling Five and reporting
that a cherry-colored Moskvitch
has been spotted
on the forest road
speeding toward
the national border.
Seven, listen to my orders!
Mama!
Lyolik, stop it!
Easy, Kozlodoyev, therell be room
for all of us in the can!
NINA GREBESHKOVA
STANISLAV CHEKAN
VLADIMIR GULYAEV
ANDREl MIRONOV
ANATOLY PAPANOV
SVETLANA SVETLICHNAYA
NONNA MORDYUKOVA
YURI NIKULIN
The End
The Luch Artistic Association
THE DIAMOND ARM
A screen novel in two parts
from the life of smugglers,
with prologue and epilogue.
Screenplay by
M. SLOBODSKY
Ya. KISTYUKOVSKY, L. GAIDAI
Directed by
Leonid GAIDAI
Photographed in the air, on the earth,
on the water and underwater
by Director of Photography
Igor CHERNYKH
Production Designer
F. YASYUKEVICH
Music by A. ZATSEPIN
Sound by Ye. INDLINA
Conductor - E. KHACHATURIAN
Lyrics by L. DERBENYOV
The Studio wishes to thank
the organizations and persons
that had provided for the shooting
real diamonds and gold.
This film has been photographed
by a half-hidden camera.
THE DIAMOND ARM
Starring
Nina GREBESHKOVA
Nonna MORDYUKOVA
Svetlana SVETLICHNAYA
Anatoly PAPANOV
Andrei MIRONOV
Stanislav CHEKAN
Vladimir GULYAEV
Also starring
Ye. MELNIKOVA
A. FAIT, N. ROMANOV
G. SHPIGEL, L. KANEVSKY
And also...
V. OSTROVSKAYA, S. KHOLINA
T. NIKULINA, R. FILIPPOV
N. TROFIMOV, A. YACHNITSKY
L. POLYAKOV, G. KACHIN
Besides,
A. KHVYLYA, G. SVETLANI
A. KOZUBSKY, V. KUPRIYANOV
I. VASSILENKO
I. ZHEVAGO, V. URALSKY
And with
Sasha LISYUTINA
Mitya NIKOLAYEV
And at last...
With the participation of
YURI NIKULIN
Part One
THE DIAMOND IS ALMOST INVISIBLE
We bring you a live broadcast
from our sea port.
This snow-white liner
is to depart on its next cruise,
carrying a large contingent
of Soviet tourists
on a very fascinating voyage.
- Hello!
- Hello.
What is your name, please?
Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
- And whats your occupation?
- Senior bookkeeper.
Is there something you would like
to say to our dear listeners
before leaving
for this fascinating journey?
As a matter of fact,
I didnt want to go.
I was about to buy my wife
a fur coat.
The fur coat can wait.
Its more important to see the world.
He works day and night...
The fur coat can wait.
So youve never before...
No. We never travelled farther
than Dubrovka.
Is it your first trip abroad, too?
- Im not going.
- Weve come to say goodbye to dad.
Fish Street. Thats an important
street there. The Chikanuk pharmacy.
Lyolik, I remember it all.
Everything you do must look very
real. You fall down and swear...
Damned apple!
No...Damned melon!
Keep that in mind!
The injury...
Everything should be true to life.
As our chief says, The most important
thing in our business is realism.
Happy landings, tourist!
No, dont...
Just go!
- Good morning!
- Good morning!
- Is this Cabin 16?
- Yes, its 16.
Are you bunking here, too?
Yes. Im Gennady Petrovich Kozodoyev.
Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
- I hope well become friends.
- Oh, I think so.
- Are you bringing along souvenirs?
- No.
- I have some here...
- Vodka?
MIKHAIL SVETLOV
Day Seven
of this fascinating cruise...
I love the song
about hares.
Senya, its not topical,
about hares!
Island of Bad Luck!
All covered with greenery,
Absolutely, stark,
Lies in our itinerary
An island of bad luck.
There live the savages,
Poor, wretched guys,
Faces bear ravages,
But kind under disguise.
Whatever theyre doing,
It never goes right.
They must be born to ruin
On a very black Friday night.
Crocodiles not caught,
Coconuts wont grow.
They weep and pray to God
For days and days in a row.
They are no idlers,
They could have had a ball.
They ought to cancel Fridays
Once and for all.
But, alas, no calendar
On the isle, theres not!
Every living islander
Just goes for a naught.
But, alas, no calendar
On damn isle, theres not!
Thats why poor savages,
From early morn till night,
Counting their damages,
Lament over their plight.
The poor devils moan,
Cursing their fate.
What year is unknown,
As is unknown the date.
...Finally, here is the last
port of call
before returning
to their motherland...
Ladies and gentlemen, were now
in what is called the old town.
During the rule of the great
Emperor Shumunshin-Shah the Third,
on these heights,
the Imperial architects had built
a marvelous ensemble,
which included a palace, a mosque,
a 1,200-bed harem,
and many other... similar delights.
Have you gone crazy?
Somethings wrong.
She wants me to go and see.
Hey, no, no, impossible!
- What does she want?
- I'll tell you later.
Lady, Senora, Frau, Miss,
its out of the question.
Russo turista, capito, moralita!
Verstehen? Thats it!
But what does she want?
We are most grateful to you. It was
a very interesting excursion.
Attention, please!
Now everyone will be on his own.
You can walk around the town.
But at five oclock sharp,
everyone must be back on board.
See you later.
Guesha! Why are you leaving me
in the lurch?
I didnt leave you. I was waiting.
Lets go this way.
Wheres he?
Dont worry,
hell come.
- The password is Damned melon?
- Damned melon.
Are you sure hes on the SS
Mikhail Svetlov?
We were assured that he was.
The ship is leaving in an hour!
Shut up!
Sorry, I guess I lost my temper.
You know...
Guesha!
Excuse me, Miss...
Damned melon!
Damned melon!
- Russo?
- Yes.
- Mikhail Svetlov?
- Yes, yes.
Damned melon.
Damned melon...
Whats wrong with him?
Its a very bad sprain.
Hes even lost consciousness.
Lets get down to work.
Damned melon! .
Mikhail Svetlov...
Damned melon!
Damned melon!
Russo?
Mikhail Svetlov?
Why didnt you use your brains?
But the other one gave the password
too. Damned melon.
There follows an untranslatable play
on words
with the use of local idiomatic
expressions.
Comrades, its time!
The ship leaves in half an hour!
Those idiots claimed
he was unconscious.
So the poor fool has no idea
whats going on.
Thats perfect!
Whats this?
Nothing. Just contraband items
someones trying to smuggle in.
Dont worry.
Calm down... Drink some of this.
I never touch the stuff.
Havent you read about it in House
and Home? Doctors recommend it.
It will calm your nervous system
and soothe your arteries.
Drink up.
Captain,
what do I do now?
Nothing.
Just have fun and relax.
But dont breathe a word to anyone
about that contraband stuff.
And if someone wants to know
what happened to my arm?
Say you slipped, fell down
and got a closed fracture.
You were knocked out, and when you
came to, it was already in a cast.
I slipped, fell down,
a closed fracture.
I was knocked out,
I came to-a plaster cast.
And dont worry,
Ill notify everyone concerned.
Thank you very much.
Dont you remember a thing?
Be careful!
- Why? I remember very well.
- You remember what?
I slipped...
got knocked out.
When I came to, I had this cast.
Thats all!
- I wish I fell instead of you.
- Thanks. Thats nice of you, Guesha.
Please, take care of your arm, Senya.
Nadia is going to be upset.
Thats cest la vie,
as Frenchmen say.
Im sorry, friend!
Are you finished? Must I go already?
Yes, move along, youre in the way.
- Youre through with me?
- Thats right.
Could it be that the Captain didnt
notify the customs? What do I do now?
There he is! The stuff is safe.
As safe as in a safe.
And the key?
To quote our chiefs immortal words,
Once a halfwit always a halfwit.
- I dont get it.
- Youll get it. Lets go to the chief!
Hands off me!
- Where are we going?
- Home.
So you had a look at some foreign
ports?
Yes, foreign ports.
Where should I go?
To the police? Or home?
This is the way home.
I didnt give him my address.
Wheres he taking me?
Theres just one road here
that goes into the city.
I want to go to Morskaya Street,
number 21, apartment 9.
entrance three, third floor.
Whats wrong with your arm?
Why is he interested in my arm?
He looks suspicious.
I slipped, fell down, got knocked out,
came to already in a cast.
Excuse me, youre an amateur actor,
arent you?
Yes, thats right.
Why did I lie to him?
Why did he ask me?
Hes trying to get information from
me. He looks more and more suspicious.
Why did he turn there?
He should have kept going straight.
The highways blocked for repairs.
We should make a detour.
- Stop! Lets give them a lift!
- I cant. Its against regulations.
He didnt pick up those girls.
Hes not a taxi driver. Hes a bandit.
Why did you wait to tell him
who you were?
I wanted to check
if hes really fit for the job.
Did he prove it?
He proved it, Colonel.
Hes perfect!
I never dreamed that hed...
Hit you with the cast?
Yes, sir!
I probably should have...
No sense in it.
Does he agree?
He agrees.
But still, I think we might...
No sense in it.
- May I suggest...
- You may not!
- Maybe you'll let me...
- Yes, do that.
This operation is your baby.
Act as you see right.
Now go on with your report.
Yes, sir. When we became better
acquainted, I outlined our plan...
What do I do now?
Nothing. Live as usual.
Theyre going to bite the bait.
Theyll be watching you,
well be watching them.
As soon as they try to get the cast,
well close the trap.
Like Im the live bait.
I know, Im a fisherman myself.
They might offer to pay a ransom,
but I can bargain too.
I dont think so. Theyre convinced
you dont know a thing.
Theyll want their goods back, without
paying and without your noticing.
How can they take a plaster cast off
without my noticing?
Im not sure how theyll try to do it,
but they can get you drunk,
drug you or knock you out.
Its no problem to do it on someone
whos knocked out or even dead.
Whos dead?
But I dont really think
itll go that far.
Couldnt you let someone else
wear this plaster cast
for a little while?
Well, you can always say no.
No, Im no coward,
Im just afraid.
Afraid I wont be able to do it.
Every man can do many things,
but, sadly enough,
not everyone is aware of it.
Thats right, it happens so often.
Lets set up the liaison.
Now what are you doing,
Semyon Semyonovich?
How are we going to organize it?
In case we must speak to you...
Come to my place.
And when you must speak to us...
Ill call a taxi and give my name.
Then Ill come, or maybe my assistant.
Everything clear?
Thanks very, very much.
And Im sorry I was so...
Forget it, weve seen much worse.
Wont you come up
and meet my wife?
Weve already agreed,
nobody must know about this.
- Not even Nadia?
- No one.
I understand.
Semyon Semyonovich!
Your bags...
Senya, the door.
Welcome back, Semyon Semyonovich!
Sorry that Im so late.
But my social work comes first.
Whats wrong with your arm?
On Wednesday youre giving a lecture.
Weve put up the posters.
Youre the only one from our
community who has ever been there.
The subject is
New York, City of Contrasts.
I havent been to New York,
Ive been to Istanbul.
Istanbul, City of Contrasts.
What difference does it make?
But what about your arm?
A closed fracture. I was knocked out.
When I came to, I had this cast on.
So unpretentious, but in good taste.
Thats really nice!
Oh yes, so whats it about your arm?
Thats for you. A souvenir.
Thank you, Semyon Semyonovich!
Just press the button.
- Isnt it funny?
- Very funny.
Thanks.
Did you see Sophia Loren?
Did you drink Coca-Cola?
How does it taste?
Go to sleep.
Doctors recommend it.
Itll help me sleep.
I read it
in the House and Home magazine.
Tell me exactly
what did you do to your arm?
I slipped, I fell down,
and got a closed fracture.
I knocked myself out,
when I came to I had this cast on.
I heard all that already. Please tell me
the truth, horrible as it may be.
I walked in the street and I slipped...
You never knew how to lie, did you?
I know what happened.
Who told you?
Im sure its not a closed fracture.
What have you got there?
Gold and diamonds.
Stop kidding!
You havent got a closed fracture.
You got a compound fracture!
Lets go to bed now.
You should be killed for that!
Please dont beat me!
Ill fix everything!
I want to see you dead!
I want to see you in your grave,
with a shroud around you!
I want to see you living only
on your salary!
Victor, cant you read?
Dogs walking not allowed!
Mommy, look!
Oh, get down from there!
Our lawns arent made to walk on!
- Then what are they made for?
- Their aesthetic beauty!
Then where can I walk him?
You can walk him in your flat!
What is this?
Good morning!
Ive been to London.
There, dogs walk anywhere they want.
Dog is mans best friend.
It may be in London
that dog is mans best friend,
but here, mans best friend
is the superintendent.
Treasure handed to government
Old man!
Have you got a light?
- What? You deaf and dumb?
- Right!
I thought so...
There he is!
Hes an idiot.
Theres no problem.
Well trap him! Itll be easy.
Invite him to go fishing
at the Black Stones.
Like we agreed.
And arrange to spend the night there.
Only do things right.
Like give flowers to his old lady,
and ice-cream to both brats.
If only you can remember all that,
Lord Nelson!
You lamebrain! The ice-creams
for the brats!
Oh, my eye? Its nothing,
its getting better.
Senya, hows your arm?
No pain?
Can you move your fingers?
No, no, the other arm.
Good, youll be okay.
Youre his friend.
Please, use your influence.
He doesnt take his arm seriously.
You know whats wrong with daddys
arm? Its not what he tells everybody.
And what is it?
Hes got a compound fracture,
not a closed one.
Now go to your mama.
Senya, lets go trout fishing with me.
To the Black Stones. Well rent
a boat and spend the night there, huh?
No, not for the night.
My arm might catch cold.
- Lets go in the morning.
- Anything you say.
- So, at the crack of dawn then?
- Right!
What are you doing?!
Put down the gun
and apologize this very minute!
Such a charming child!
Our fashions were created by
designer Margarita Semyonova,
architect Rogal Levitskaya,
chief designer
Albert Mudrik.
Here is our summer combination
outfit Universal-69,
which earned a prize of encouragement
at the regional modern garment forum
in Zhitomir.
The original feature of this model
being that you can very easily
change the coat into a jacket.
But thats not all!
With just a twist of your wrist,
your trousers are changed...
your trousers are changed...
the trousers are changed...
to elegantly looking shorts.
You will forgive us the delay
due to a technical incident.
And finally, we present our latest
model,
a beach ensemble
Mini-bikini-69.
Why is the chief here?
The plans been changed. Youll pull
off the operation at White Rock.
- Why?
- Not such a big crowd there.
They dont bite at White Rock!
Theyll bite so well that our customer
will forget about everything.
Is all the rest according to the plan?
Everythings the same otherwise.
Youll knock him out a little...
You know, thats not artistic.
But its cheap and very practical.
Chip off the plaster and we split.
What about my alibi?
Try and get marks of violence
on your face.
But Im begging you to...
Dont you worry, Kozlodoyev.
Kozodoyev!
Kozlodoyev!
Ill bash you real carefully,
but hard.
Good evening.
Where are you going so late at night?
Im going fishing early in the morning,
and I forgot to go to the bakers.
Theres one open
at the other end of town.
Poor guy!
To think that it shouldve been me.
Get drunk and itll be you.
Lets load him on.
Good evening, Semyon Semyonovich!
But I dont know you.
- Call me Volodya.
- Senya.
I bring you greetings from
Mikhail Ivanovich.
He wants to see you urgently.
- When?
- Why not now?
Then Ill be late to buy bread.
Dont worry, Ive got my car.
Well, thanks very much, Volodya.
Good night.
I wish you a good fishing trip.
Youre sure youll be going
to the Black Stones?
Yes.
Good night then!
Our tenants dont go to the bakers
in a taxi.
I guess this is it.
Or maybe...
We shouldnt have come here.
The fish bite better at Black Stones.
Theyre going to bite so well here
that youll forget about everything.
Help!
Help me!
SOS!
Lyolik!
Idiot!
Mama! Im going to die!
Lyolik!
Help!
Mama!
- Why are you yelling like that?
- Dont interfere, boy!
Lets pray to our Lord...
Get out of my way, milksop!
Get out of here!
There go ducks flying...
As well as two geese...
The chiefs giving us a big chance
to make it up to him.
The place for this new operation
under the code name wild duck...
will be a restaurant called
The Weeping Willow Tree.
Straight north of the building,
about a hundred yards off,
therere toilettes of a john kind...
which are designated on the map
by the letters M and W.
The path leading to the toilettes
goes by a spruce tree,
where I will be.
Thatll be our stationing.
Your mission is to invite the customer
to the restaurant for dinner,
then bring him to the right condition
until he wants... to wash up.
After you show him the way,
you immediately regain
your original position.
Youve got an alibi
no one will challenge,
while our customer, passing by the
spruce tree, gets into my hands.
Everything that follows is just
a matter of expertise.
But how am I going to bring him to
the right condition? He doesnt drink.
To quote our chief,
When theres a sucker who pays
youll see teetotalers drink,
including those who have ulcers.
With just a salary to live on,
you cant take taxis!
Give me a hundred tickets.
If you buy them, just imagine,
you can win...
A fire engine!
Stop your advertising. Im not buying
tickets to win.
Peddle these tickets
to our tenants.
If they wont buy,
Ill cut off their gas.
Is everything perfectly clear?
Hang around all the markets,
and the free exchange stores.
Be seen in the restaurants.
Let people see you as much as you can.
Here, for your expenses.
No, no, I wouldnt think of it!
Please, no initiative.
Take it, its five hundred rubles.
In the new denomination?
- Something wrong with your head?
- I hid the cash.
- Come on, Semyon Semyonovich...
- I got it.
And take this.
Whats that for?
You can never tell.
I havent had it in my hands
since the war.
Its not a real gun,
its rather psychological.
You can use it to scare someone.
We loaded it with blanks.
Cant I have a real one?
You can never tell.
- No, youd better not.
- I see.
Semyon Semyonovich,
whats the matter with you?
Thats how it should be.
The Weeping Willow Tree Restaurant
Fedya, wed like to have also...
a wild duck.
No problem.
- What are we going to drink?
- Beer for me, huh?
A bottle of vodka and a bottle of
cognac. And two bottles of beer.
Oh, I forgot to call my mother.
One second...
Good evening!
I told Fedya to bring a wild duck.
I hope you have some?
Lyolik, Im waiting.
Soon our customer will be ripe.
I saw the chief. Hes here.
- Is this one taken?
- Yes, sorry.
Thats it. Here we go again.
Keep calm.
And dont sit there. Act.
Excuse me, wheres the telephone?
Thanks.
This is Semyon Semyonovich Gorbunkov.
Please send a taxi to the Weeping
Willow Restaurant.
Its urgent.
Well, shall we start?
No, no, Ive got my beer.
Hes watching me.
Let him see that Im drinking.
- Heres to your bonus.
- And may it not be the last one.
After the first drink, one never eats.
Lets drink some vodka to your health!
All right.
Have a chaser.
Ill bet that if anyone of you
had found a treasure,
you would have done exactly
like I did.
What are you going to do
with your reward?
For the money that the state
has to pay me by law...
on my friends advice,
Im going to buy a Moskvitch car.
The very latest model!
One second.
The customer is nearly ripe.
You better get ready!
Im always ready!
You idiot!
- What do you want?
- To see you, pal.
- Dont you recognize me?
- I dont think so.
- Lets have a drink.
- Why not?
I didnt recognize you right away
either.
Why did you shave your mustache?
I said, why did you shave off
your mustache, dumbbell?
Whose mustache?
- To whom have I the honor?
- I went to school with this dumbbell.
Why did Volodya shave his mustache?
Senya, hurry up and tell the comrade
why Volodya shaved his mustache.
Weve got very little time.
Sorry, Im mistaken.
If youd had a mustache, youd be
the double of Volodya Trynkin.
- At what time does your plane leave?
- Yes, the plane...
If you get a chance to go to Siberia...
If you get a chance to go to Siberia,
youll be very welcome.
Why dont you better come to see us?
See you around.
Im glad hes not the smuggler.
He looks like a likable guy.
Why did I drink all that stuff?
Senya, are you in the right condition?
- What condition?
- The right one?
No!
- In that case, one more drink...
- No!
You must!
Senya, do you respect me?
I do, but Im through.
- Then Im going to bite you.
- Go ahead.
Guesha, people are staring.
- Will you drink with the duck?
- Why not?
- Fedya, the duck!
- The duck!
- Is that a duck?
- Thats a duck!
They dont drink vodka with duck.
We must drink...
I get you. Fedya, champagne!
- Heres to you.
- Thanks.
Perhaps you wish to wash up a bit?
You heard what he said?
Time to wash up! Lets go.
- And the duck?
- It wont fly away. Its cooked.
Behave yourself... Hurry up!
Straight north of the place,
about a hundred yard walk.
Now what?
Senya!
Song about the hares!
In the heart of the woods
Where leaves twirl in flight,
Where age-old oaks
Loom like wizardly gods,
Hares mowed the grass
In a grove at midnight,
And they sang a strange song
With the following words:
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Though owls and wolves
Make us real wuss.
Weve got a job to do
At this hour of voodoo,
Were mowing the grass,
A truly magic grass.
And the wizardly oaks
Whisper something in darkness.
By the stench-soaked bogs,
Shadows loom in the rain.
Hares mow their grass,
Feeling lost, feeling luckless,
And out of fright
Hasten their refrain:
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Though owls and wolves
Make us real wuss.
Weve got a job to do
At this hour of voodoo,
Were mowing the grass,
A truly magic grass.
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
We firmly believe
In the saying of the past,
That boldll be the one
Who thrice this has done:
At the hour of voodoo
Mowed magic grass.
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Bolder well be
Than the lion, king of beast!
Well hold out once,
We wont screw this chance,
And no evil thing
Will ruffle us in the least!
We couldnt care less,
We couldnt care less,
Bolder well be
Than the lion, king of beast!
Well hold out once,
We wont screw this chance,
And no evil thing
Will ruffle us in the least!
Something has to be done.
We wont put up with drunkenness!
But you know very well,
Varvara Sergeyevna, that...
I know a lot more than you do,
my dear. Where did he get the money?
He was invited by a friend
who had gotten a bonus.
According to police records,
just for one bay window he broke
he paid ninety seven rubles
and eighteen kopecks.
Where did he get that kind of money?
Your husband has changed
since that cruise.
The corruptive Western influence.
Those idiotic toys.
And the thing he said about dogs.
The best friend of man.
Its odd,
and this is only an understatement.
All those elements of la dolce vita!
I wouldnt be surprised to hear
that your husbands secretly
seeing a mistress.
What?!
- Is this yours?
- Mine.
- And where did you get it?
- You know where.
That cruise, huh?
Hes been enrolled in a spy ring!
How could he do that?
Hes so naive.
His arm... They tortured him!
Why didnt I think of it before?
Oh, my God!
We couldnt care less...
What am I going to do?
And what happens to the children?
Such a disgrace!
Theres only one way out.
Just one way out...
Just one.
Enough!
Only aristocrats and degenerates
drink champagne in the morning.
Were going to see the chief
right now!
I cant go in my condition.
I need to take a bath at least,
and a cup of coffee.
Youll get your bath all right there,
and coffee, too.
Even some cocoa with tea!
Lets go!
Lets go, Guesha.
Nadia! Nadia, honey!
Senya, calm down.
Theres a way out.
You must go to the police
and tell them everything.
- About what?
- Your treason.
SHAME ON THE DRUNKARD AND
DEBAUCHER S.S. GORBUNKOV!
How could you possibly imagine that?
You, my wife,
mother of my children!
Oh no! Not that!
How else could I possibly explain it?
You could imagine anything,
but not that!
Oh, this is the end!
Where did you get that gun
and that money?
Shut up, you wretched soul!
Shut up!
Senya, tell me, where did you get
that pistol and that money?
I beg you, please tell me!
All right, I will tell you.
But dont say a word to anyone!
I swear.
Its a state secret.
That money and that gun were given me
to help me with my mission.
- What mission?
- Sorry, I cant tell you that.
When the time comes,
youll know everything.
You might even... get a reward...
After Im gone!
Thats a marvelous plan, chief!
At twelve oclock it will be ready
to roll.
A genius!
Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Bon jour, Madame.
Im enchanted to welcome you
in this modest, but rather cozy...
Salut, wonder boy!
The chief sent me.
Everything is ready.
- The papers?
- The passport is right here.
- Which joint?
- Hotel Atlantic.
A nice double room, all prepaid.
- The guy?
- Front view. Profile.
The fee?
An advance, for starters.
One pill will be enough.
Excuse me, havent you got the same
thing, but without the wings?
No, sorry, we havent.
Well, Ill look around.
Havent you got something like this,
but with mother-of-pearl buttons?
No, sorry, we havent any.
Well, Ill have a look around.
- Who, me?
- Yes.
Excuse me.
I overheard you...
Ive got what youre looking for,
with the mother-of-pearl buttons.
Only its in my suitcase at the hotel.
- Do you need it badly?
- Yes.
Then Ill give you my address.
Hotel Atlantic.
Its not far from here.
Will nine oclock be convenient
for you?
All right then.
Here you are. Ill be looking forward
to seeing you.
Nine sharp. Hotel Atlantic.
Room 327. Anna Sergeyevna.
I have a gut feeling
its a real fish this time.
What does she look like?
I see.
Keep on your toes. I expect a better
show from you than last night.
I dont drink at all.
A friend invited me.
By the way, how is he
after last night?
I dont know, he didnt phone.
All right, go to the hotel
and act depending on the situation.
There might be accomplices there,
check it out.
Is your gun with you?
The psychic one.
Well hear your signal.
The note, please.
Chanel, number five.
Ill be seeing you!
Where are you going?
Ah, your mission.
- Be careful!
- Ill be all right.
Ill be back soon.
Hotel Atlantic
- The customers here.
- Perfect.
Hello, Five? He just went in.
Roger. Out.
Hotel Atlantic. Room 327.
Anna Sergeyevna. Nine oclock.
Come in!
At last!
Good evening.
Have a seat. Ill be right with you.
What are you up to?
Whats the matter?
My cuff link. It rolled under there.
Here, it came off.
You nearly frightened me to death.
Let me help you.
I thought something had really gone
wrong.
See, my hearts thumping like crazy.
Feel it.
Feel it.
I feel it.
As soon as hes asleep,
shell turn out the lights.
What if he leaves?
- Could you leave a girl like that?
- But hes a faithful husband.
There is no husband
who has not longed to be a bachelor
at least for an hour.
Look out for the signal!
How about that gown?
A friends going to bring it
in a minute or two.
- Do you mind waiting?
- No, I dont mind.
In the meantime, would you like
some wine?
Id rather have... beer.
I only have wine.
Heres to our chance encounter.
Come on, drink!
Whats keeping your friend?
Maybe, Ill come back another time?
Who cares about her anyway?
My gown is as good as hers.
Let me show you.
Its not my fault, I swear!
He came here on his own!
I saw your special mission.
After such a monstrous lie,
I will not stay with you any longer!
Im sure the children will understand
when they grow up.
Ill take care of the divorce
formalities. Goodbye.
Good morning.
Ive got to leave right now
for Dubrovka.
Right! But not now.
Tomorrow well send you a taxi.
Will eight oclock be all right?
But why not today?
Today well need your help.
We want you
to meet your friend.
The one you took a fishing trip with.
The man who invited you to dinner.
Ah, Gennady Petrovich...
Youll see him
and tell him casually
that at eight oclock tomorrow,
you plan to go out to Dubrovka.
And, most importantly,
youll tell him, also casually,
that the casts coming off your arm
the day after tomorrow.
- Is it Guesha?
- Yes.
Then why havent you...
We didnt want to scare off
a more important fish.
ANNOUNCING COMRADELY TRIAL
OF THE DEBAUCHER AND
DRUNKARD S.S. GORBUNKOV
- You sing beautifully!
- Oh, come on...
Have you known citizen Gorbunkov
for long?
Yes, ten years, sorry to say.
So for ten years he hit the bottle,
debauched and led an immoral life?
For ten years he has very cleverly
masked himself
as a decent person.
I didnt trust him, though.
Dont you think we must always
trust people?
I dont think
you can ever trust a man
except in the most extreme cases.
- Thats really your opinion?
- Yes.
Listen... who are you anyway?
I work with him.
Say, hes a colleague.
I see. Booze partner.
You get out of here!
As you say among yourselves,
back to your cage!
All right, but just one question.
Did you use good glue to put it up?
Dont worry, lush,
you cant rip it off!
Now take it off, please.
Chief, were done for.
The cast is going to be removed,
the customers leaving...
Ill kill him! .
Where are you going
so early in the morning?
To see my family at Dubrovka.
Did you call for a taxi
to go to Dubrovka?
Yes, I did.
Get in.
- Goodbye.
- Have a nice trip.
Why didnt Mikhail Ivanovich
come?
And Volodya?
Are they busy?
- What is your rank?
- What rank?
Are you like Volodya,
a lieutenant in the police?
A lieutenant... First Lieutenant...
May l, to impress my wife,
call you that?
Comrade First Lieutenant?
- Is it all right if I do?
- Yeah, sure.
And please be sure to tell her
that you put me on a special mission
that evening at the hotel.
And for her not to get worried,
just keep quiet
about smugglers,
diamonds and gold.
Keep quiet? It cant be done.
I have to consult about it
with the chief... with those above me.
- With Mikhail Ivanovich?
- Yes, with Mikhail Ivanovich.
Give him my best regards.
Hello? Chief? Its me...
Chief, this is me, Lyolik!
He took off for Dubrovka
twenty minutes ago.
In a taxi. It was a beige Volga.
The number was 28-70 OGO.
Roger. I got it.
Guesha is nineteen kilometers out.
To hell with him anyhow. Roger.
Were going by a new operational
plan,
keeping a low profile.
Mikhail Ivanovich sends his regards.
Everythings going to be all right,
and even better.
Your old lady will get you fit as
a fiddle, without a cast.
Mikhail Ivanovich has ordered
the cast removed today.
- Youve caught him?
- You bet we have.
- And who is it?
- Some dimwit.
Why go back to your place?
No point in wasting time.
Weve got a spot by the road
where we can knock the cast off.
To quote our dear chief...
Mikhail Ivanovich,
youve got to strike the iron
when youre close to the swag.
Were going to reduce it to shreds
and get at every stone and coin in it.
Could you please take inventory
and make a list of everything?
Sure, were going to do it all legal,
with receipts and everything.
Well even take your finger prints.
Our operation will take at most
about fifteen minutes.
Soften down the plaster
while I pick all the stuff up.
Lots of work.
Gee, youve got everything it takes,
havent you?
Weve got to scarper.
The chief just gave me the order
to find another pad.
So we move out of here.
Your mustache... one side has come off.
Thanks.
Hands up!
Copter Seven, what do you see
on the road? Will you report?
All I see is a milk truck
going towards town.
No sign of any taxi.
Am keeping on observing.
End of Part One
MOSFILM
THE DIAMOND ARM
A screen novel in two parts
from the life of smugglers,
with prologue and epilogue.
Synopsis of Part One.
Part Two
THE BONY LEG
No beige taxi
ever entered Dubrovka.
Will you inspect Quadrangle 45!
Stop!
Stop! Wait!
- Could you take me to town please?
- Whats up?
Its a top secret affair of State!
- All right, climb in.
- Youve got to hurry!
Im just learning to drive,
dont you see?
Were short of time!
Time is money.
When you see money, dont lose time.
We must strike the iron
when were close to the swag.
Hands up!
Both of you! Or this thing
will go off!
They did it all for nothing.
Therere no diamonds in there.
Therere not?
Who ever told you
they were in the plaster?
That man with the false mustache
figured the same thing.
The police took them long ago, chief.
Hey, hold it! Stop, you morons!
To quote an old friend of mine
whos now buried,
I knew too much.
Seven calling Five and reporting
that a cherry-colored Moskvitch
has been spotted
on the forest road
speeding toward
the national border.
Seven, listen to my orders!
Mama!
Lyolik, stop it!
Easy, Kozlodoyev, therell be room
for all of us in the can!
NINA GREBESHKOVA
STANISLAV CHEKAN
VLADIMIR GULYAEV
ANDREl MIRONOV
ANATOLY PAPANOV
SVETLANA SVETLICHNAYA
NONNA MORDYUKOVA
YURI NIKULIN
The End