Bringing Down the House (2003) Movie Script
Are you there?
I'm here.
Help me.|My client is going to jail.
Oh, no, she's not.
I think I've got it.
Really?
Look up Hasson v. Conrad.
Similar circumstantial|evidence...
case was thrown out.
Legaleagle, thank you.
You are by far|the most brilliant mind
in this chat room.
Thank you, Lawyer-girl.
I realize we have|certain anonymity here,
but do you, by any chance,|have a name?
It's Charlene.
I missed you yesterday.
How was your day?
Uneventful.
I exercised for an hour|in the morning,
poked around in the yard|in the afternoon,
and visited with a girlfriend|down the block in the evening.
Sounds innocent enough.
Don't let my humdrum day|fool you, now.
I also have a very dark side.
Well, I'm 31
with long, flowing locks|and an athletic body.
Peter, what do you look like?
I'm... a little older...|6'2".
My hair is...|it's light.
Uh, it's boyishly light.
And good night to you,|Lawyer-girl.
Gendler.
- Good morning, Mr. Sanderson.|- Hi.
Morning, Peter.
How are you?
Gentlemen.
Oh, good. Peter's here.|We can begin.
Okay.|On to pressing business.
Word has come to us
that coffee heiress|Mrs. Virginia Arness
has dismissed|her current tax lawyers.
Virginia Arness.
74 years old, born and raised|in Athens, Georgia.
At the age of 13,
she was shipped off to|boarding school in England,
where she's been residing|until just recently.
That was only two days ago.
Impressive.
Now, we've all heard
that Mrs. Arness has|a penchant for thriftiness.
And that she brings new meaning|to the term "conservative."
It's not going to be easy.
She's paranoid|and suspicious. Peter...
I'm her guy.
I'm single.|I'll give her nights, weekends.
Aren't you getting married|on Sunday, Todd?
That's flexible.
And, Peter, I wouldn't|want this to interfere
with your family's|Hawaiian vacation.
You go on.
I got it all taken care of.
Mahalo.
Well, that's very admirable|of you, Todd.
I mean, your youth|definitely makes you an ass...
...et to the company,
especially at the annual|softball game.
But to an archconservative,|74-year-old woman?
What will we do is not charge|Mrs. Arness one single red cent
for her estate planning.
Why?
Because we don't care|about that measly fee.
We use it as a loss leader|to get her corporate business,
the multibillion-dollar|Arness coffee conglomerate.
How may I help you, Howie?
Just thought I'd congratulate|you on turning it around.
Turning what around?
You snaked Gendler.
Please.|Gendler doesn't bother me.
Oh, that's right.|He doesn't bother you.
What the heck was I thinking?
Listen, I thought|maybe after work
you and me go tie one on,
maybe check out|some of the local talent.
Can't. I'm meeting|Mrs. Arness at 6:00.
And by the way,|it's "You and I go tie one on,"
not "You and me go."
Somebody messaging you here.
Who's Lawyer-girl?
Nobody.
Whoa. Did someone make|a blind Internet date?
No. I mean, you know,|well, technically, but no.
I met her|in a legal chat room.
She's, uh, very classy|and smart.
When do you nail her?
I'm courting her tonight|at 7:00.
Oh, jeez. You're courting her.|Sounds like a hot one.
And this is her?
Yeah, she's attractive,|isn't she?
I suppose.|It's not my cup of tea.
What do you...|she is universally cute.
Eh, she's a little too|anemic-Iooking, Petey.
I like my jello to jiggle,|if I'm not being too subtle.
You're not being too subtle.
All right, as long as she spins|your knobs, I'm happy for you.
Have you nailed anyone|since Kate?
Nail... I was|supposed to call her.
Sofia, can you get my wife|on the phone?
- Ex-wife.|- Ex-wife on the phone?
Right away.
Can't help you with this one,|pal. See you later.
Peter, you cannot break|another promise to these kids.
You just can't.
I said I couldn't take them|to Hawaii.
I didn't say|I couldn't take them.
They can spend the week|with me.
They are gonna be|so disappointed.
I can't talk to you right now.
Um... Daddy can't take you|to Hawaii.
Oh, darn.
He always does this.
Sanderson, party of two.
Oh, you're the last|to arrive.
How long has she been here?
Mmm, about 20 minutes.
Was she trouble?
Thank you.
Hello.|I'm Peter Sanderson.
Well, I'm glad|they didn't send a child.
I told them I specifically|wanted someone my own age.
What a wonderful|French bulldog.
My mother had one.|They make great companions.
- What's her name?
His name is|William Shakespeare.
Well, of course.
Now, I've heard about|your unfortunate escapade.
I don't have escapades.
Fiasco with your|previous attorney.
The man was|a thieving criminal.
Just because I have|a lot of money
doesn't give people|the right to overcharge.
I do not enjoy|being taken advantage of.
Which is why our service|is free of charge.
After all, you worked hard|for your money.
I'm an heiress.
An heiress who worked hard|to keep her money.
Now, shall we get down|to business?
Fine.
So, now you may hand over|your proposal.
I'll take it with me.
Proposal?
Well, I was expecting|to meet with you tomorrow.
I was assured|the proposal would be ready
for this afternoon.
I see no point|in our meeting tomorrow.
Excuse me.|Madam, I'm sorry.
We have a no-dog policy|in the lounge.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have|to ask you to remove the dog.
Excuse me.|I am Mrs. Arness' attorney,
and because there is no sign|posted regarding dogs,
that means there is|no policy toward dogs.
Now, if you want to avoid|a legal situation,
I would suggest|you run to the kitchen
and get some tuna tartare|for William Shakespeare
on the house.
Yes, sir.
I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.
Where and when tomorrow?
Hello, Mr. Sanderson.
Oh, Mrs. Kline.|Always a pleasure.
And when am I going to|get to babysit
with your charming|little Georgey again?
Oh, uh, well, uh, soon,
because he just loves|coming over to your place.
Uh, Mr. Sanderson?
Those Latin people|who were skulking around...
Oh. They were looking|at the Aruda house.
Casing it?
No, uh, to buy it.
Oh, please.
If they're in this block and not|carrying a leaf blower...
Well, I'd love to discuss this|with you further,
but I'm expecting someone.
Hey.
Hi.
I hope you like cham...
...poo.
What's up, baby?
Ooh, champagne.|I love champagne.
This for me?
Oh, I'm sorry. I think|you have the wrong house.
It is damn good|to finally connect.
Pardon me?
It's me, fool... Charlene.
Ooh, food.
What?
It's me, honey.|Your date... Lawyer-girl.
You can't be.
Hey, hey, hey.|Leave that alone.
Well, why can't I?
Because you're not a blonde.
Can't get nothing past you.
You must be|a bomb-ass lawyer.
Oh, look at all|of these pretty candles...
all romantic and shit.
Somebody was planning|on getting some booty tonight.
Hey! Leave that alone.|There are settings.
And you can't be Charlene,|because Charlene is more of...
Skinny white broad?
Yeah.
You know, I get that a lot.
But that's your fault|you're thinking that, bro.
You must have not have took|a good look at that picture.
I have looked|at that picture a lot,
and trust me,|you are not in it.
Move, move, move.|Let me do it.
See?
There I am.
Sorry you got it|twisted, dog.
I don't get a lot of|photo ops where I been.
Where exactly have you been?
I got a rumble in the jungle.|We still having dinner or what?
I asked you a question.
Rolex.
Rolex?
I did time, baby,|but I ain't do the crime.
You're a convict?
Bump that.
Shoot,|Roscoe cracked that door.
I kicked it off the heezy|and bounced.
For real, though.
What did you just say?
What, don't you hear good?
All right.
Let's see.|How can I put this?
I was recently liberated|from a correctional facility...
All right. I get it.
You're in the big house, and|you get someone to type for you,
and you get on the Internet,|and you misrepresent yourself.
It happens, and I'm a sucker,
but now you have to go,|because this is over.
Unh-unh. No, no, no.
Biscuit,|you misrepresented yourself.
Boyishly light... please.
Gray.
You said you was|a criminal lawyer.
I pulled your file.
You're just some sorry-ass|tax attorney.
A tax lawyer is|a criminal lawyer.
Oh, yeah?
Well, good,|'cause that's why I'm here.
Well, do tell.
Well,|I want to reopen my case.
And what did you do, smoke|some homies on a drive-by?
Smoke? Homies?
Well, you a regular|gangster, huh?
No, man. I was in for armed|robbery, but I didn't do it.
Yeah, nobody did it.
I can't be having|this conversation
because you're a criminal-type.
If I was a criminal,|I would have shanked you
when I had|that knife in my hand.
The fact that you even said that|is a problem for me.
- But I didn't think that.|- It's just time to go.
Please, just listen to me.|Just give me one second.
No, I don't have a second.
Okay, can I just|say something, please?
What?
I didn't do the crime.
You rude mother...
I ain't goin'.
It's your baby,|Peter, and don't you deny it!
That DNA test told on you!
You lie, Peter!
You know lil' Kareem is yours!
Why?!
How you gonna do me|like that, Peter?!
You told me I was your|beautiful African Queen.
And I loved you|for that, Peter!
I didn't care if your|little thing was curved.
And lil' Kareem don't want|your child support.
He just want a relationship|with his white daddy.
A little|chocolate/vanilla swirl
from that magical night|at the crackhouse.
Oh!
Come on.|Just be quiet!
Wait just a second.|My shoes.
- Mr. Sanderson?|- Whoa!
Is everything okay?
I thought I heard Negro.
- No. No Negro spoken here.
Oh.
Well... good night, then.
Oh, uh...
good night.
Come on!
Come on, come on!
You stay. You stay.|You wait right there.
Who you callin'?
- The police.
Police department.|Sergeant Panella. Please hold.
What's that?
It's all of our e-mails.
You think anybody at Tobias,|Kline, and Barnes
would be interested|in hearing
about you looking for Boom-boom|in the federal pen?
And I'll send a photo.
Thanks for holding.|Can I help you?
Now, this is just|for tonight, understand?
A'ight.
I can work with this.
But, uh, look,|don't be gettin' no ideas
about sneakin' up in here|and hittin' this ass,
'cause you blew your chance|with this fine sister.
Dare to dream.
Please.
Oh, my God! A bed!
Oh, a nice, big, cushy bed.
Ohh, no roommates,|no cellmates.
Charlene?
Charlene.
Charlene! Come on,|you're not fooling anybody.
Who that? Who there?
Who want it with Lene?
I put some bagels outside.
I thought|we could discuss your case.
Ahh!
What up, dog?|Where 'em bagels at?
Hey, guess what, girlfriend?|Your game is up.
Because I burned|all those e-mails,
including the second set hidden|in the lining of your coat.
And I deleted everything|off my computer.
So I never met you,|and you never met me.
Don't even try, girlfriend,|because it's locked.
And now I am going to go|get my kids,
as in innocent young persons
who will never even know|you were here.
So now just go.
Go, go, go, go,|go, go, go, go!
And locky locky!
So ta-ta.
And watch out.|The gate closes automatically.
Well, what about my stuff?
Oh, it's right there|on the street.
You put my stuff|on the trash?
Oh Well, you know what?
I wish you well.|I really do.
And you know what?|I had a great, great time.
It was really fun.
So, oh, well.
I guess I'll just see you|in my next life.
Bye!
I'll see you|when you get home.
So I said to him,
"Just 'cause you whisked me|to Paris on your private jet
doesn't mean|I'm gonna sleep with you."
What does he think I am?|A hooker?
Can Aunt Ashley|edit herself, please?
You stayed in|the same room with him.
What did you expect?
Hello. It was a suite...|plenty of floor space.
Sweetiepie, have a wonderful|time. I love you.
Please be good to your brother|and help him with his reading.
- I will.|- Thank you.
Is he still having problems?
Oh, he struggles every day,|but he's improving.
- Dad's here.
Thank you, sweetiepie.
Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy's stupid, too,|and he became a lawyer.
Ashley!
I'm not stupid.
- That's right.|- No, no, no. Of course not.
Hey, Dad's here.
Speak of the dummy.
Hey, how's my little girl|doin', huh?
Hi, Dad.
Hey, how's it goin', big guy?
Ahhh, here you go.
Hi, Kate.
Hi.
Oh, Ashley, I didn't realize|you were gonna be here.
What a pleasant surprise.
Peter,|you're almost aging well.
Okay, I thought we'd go down|to the club and take a swim.
Ooh, that sounds|much more fun than Maui.
You know, Ashley,|not all of us earn our living
by milking rich geriatrics|out of their money.
Some of us have to work|for a living.
You sound much more intelligent|with your mouth shut.
Let's not start this.|I don't have time.
Kids, go get your stuff.
All right, fine.
But I warned you
about marrying the first|jerk-off you met out of college.
Now, if you'll excuse me,|I have a date.
Don't be good.
What morgue did you find|this one at?
Stop being so childish.
Hey.
Wow.|You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Uh, hi.
Uh, Peter, this is Glen.
Hey.
Hey, Mr. Sanderson.|Nice to see you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Uh, what do you say|we get this road on the show?
Okay.
I will meet you outside.
Okay.
Road on the show.
Just don't.
How old is he?
Younger.
- What does he do?|- Golf instructor.
- How do you know that?|- What?
Well, you think|you know somebody,
and then one day you wake up|in Thailand missing a kidney.
He could have made up|this whole golf identity.
He caddied for you|when he was 14.
That's little Glenny?
Does that bother you?
Not at all.
Go have fun|on your statutory weekend.
This does too bother you.|I know you.
Do you want to talk|about it?
Well, it just looks|a little silly.
- Hang on.
Hello?
Some things never change.
I can't talk right now.
Well, put him on.
Hi.
You promised us|you'd take us snorkeling.
Things come up.|That's life.
I know.|I'm really, really sorry.
But now it's over. It's new.|We're gonna have a lot of fun.
Now, what's new?|What's new with you?
Well, I got the female lead|in the school play "Oklahoma!"
Hey, that's great.|Congratulations.
And how 'bout you, big guy?|How's school?
I don't like school.
Well, nobody likes school,
but there must be something|you like about it.
He got into a fight|the other day.
Why?|Why'd you get in a fight?
Some kids called me a baby|'cause of the way I read.
Some of the greatest minds of|all time had trouble learning,
like Edgar Allan Poe|and Albert Einstein
and, uh, Ozzy Osbourne.
Ozzy rules.
Ozzy rules. Okay.
Dad, what's goin' on?
You two wait here.|I'll be right back.
Hey!
Whoa, whoa. Where you think|you're goin', milk?
This here's|a charitable event.
You wants to get in,|you gots to make a donation.
Trust me, it is|off the hook in there.
Off the what?|I live here.
I don't care|if you're Halle Berry, man.
No donation, no entry.
How 'bout|if I call the police?
Have a nice time.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, baby, show me.
Hey! What the hell|is going on here?
Oh, yo, P., it's cool.
See, I hit up my homegirl
'cause I had to get my hair|done, as we both know.
And then she called a friend.|They holler to other friends.
Before you know it,|we got us a house par-ty.
I want everyone|out of here now!
People!
People!
Loosen your panties, Grandma.
Look, you lock me out,|no money, no place to go.
I mean, a girl got to get|her cheese on.
- Seven.
This is insane!
My boss' sister lives|across the street.
I can't have all these peop...
Hey!
Give me a hard seven, baby.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She doesn't even have|her driver's permit.
Dad.
Do not go...
Roll! Uh!
Come on.
Don't inhale.
All right, now. Go on|and toss them bones, lil' man.
Hey! Give me...
I'm on a roll, Dad.
- Get out.
I want you and your dogs|to go back to the pound now.
What?
Well, it was the dogs?
Because she said dogs,|and then I said dogs,
so I assumed|that would be okay.
Huh?
- Whoo!
Tsk.
Ohh.
Bye, Tamika.|Y'all be good, now.
Bye.
Hey, hey.|Y'all got to go.
- A'ight.|- That's a'ight.
Hey, baby, gonna go.
Oh, bye, Bear.|Thank you so much.
Party's over.|Okay. Thanks for coming.
But that's it. It's over.
If I see Widow around,|I'm gonna tell him you're out.
You know|he wants to know that.
I don't know about that.|I'll see you.
- Okay. Bye, baby.|- Bye-bye.
It's like this.
Hey.
- How you doin', neighbor?|- What's up?
What are you still doing here?
- What was all that, Dad?|- Dad, who's this?
This is no one.
Tsk! What's up, lil' Romeo?
My name is Charlene.|What's your name?
I'm Georgey.
You cannot meet|a nonexistent person.
Can Charlene come to the club?
Club? What club?
We're not going to a club,|remember?
We're going to Hawaii,|remember?
Okay, you know the routine.|Outski!
- Out! Let's go.|- Come on, man!
Sarah, get the door.|Come on. Out.
Out, out, out!
- Wait!|- What?
Give me my money, lil' boy.
That money should go|to charity!
Ohh!
What did...
Hey, I live here.
Yeah!
What?
Okay, you guys.
You know, you order hot dogs,|and you splash and frolic
and just put everything on|my account and just have fun.
Didn't you bring|your bathing suit?
Oh, no.|I'm having tea with a client.
But I will be right back.
Whatever you say.
Want to go swimming?
With you?
Forget you.
Ow!
How's it looking?
Well, I was up all night|proofing.
It's absolutely brilliant.
And you've got the cleanest|background check I've ever seen.
That background check|cost me a lot of fun in my life.
- I don't know, honey.
Don't say anything.|She could hear you.
What's crackin', ma?
I'm lookin'|for the Sanderson table.
We old college buddies.
O-O-Okay.|He's i-in the dining room.
L-I'll show you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I tell you what...|I'll surprise him.
No, you're in great shape.|I'm gonna take off.
All right, you're right.|Nothing could go wrong.
I've done this a million times|with important clients,
so I'm fine.
- Shazam.|- What?
Oh, no.
Oh, swing it,|you cocoa goddess.
Cocoa Goddess? That's the rude|shock I was telling you about.
That's Charlene?
Did she see me?
Okay, okay, okay, police.
Uh, no.|Won't get here fast enough.
Uh, security.
No, she could probably|take him.
Uh, money.
She'll take money.
Hi, hi. Here, just...|Here's whatever.
And there's more where that came|from if you just leave now.
No. Unh-unh, boyfriend.|We got business.
Boyfriend?
Oh, didn't I tell you?|We're dating now.
It's some kind of street talk.
It's street for|"I'm not going nowhere
until you help my problem|go away."
Look, Mrs. Arness,|a very important client,
is due here any minute.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.|Mr. Sanderson?
Oh, yes.|He's in the dining room.
Thank you.
Charlene, how 'bout you and I
havin' a smart cocktail|down by the pool?
Who is this fool?
That's a good idea.|Just put it on my bill.
I don't want no smart cocktail.|I need your help.
Miss.
Another martini.
Oh, hell, no.|I know she ain't talkin' to me.
Ashley,|she doesn't work here.
If she isn't here to work,|then what is she here for?
Oh, hells no, Miss Thing.|You best pump your brakes.
She's my ex-wife's sister.
I would have killed her|myself years ago.
It's Mrs. Arness!
Mmm. Old Iron Ass|be lookin' mean.
Yes. You have to go.
You like raw oysters,|Charlene?
Yeah. I guess|I can hang out for a bit.
They got any hot wings|around here?
All right.|Whatever you want. Yes.
- You give me a place to stay?|- Yes.
- And you work on my case?|- Around the clock.
I'll leave|when you expunge my record.
Consider it expunged.
All right.|I'd like a key, please.
Mr. Sanderson?
Mrs. Arness.
Who is your associate?
This is Howie Rottman,|the attorney I told you about.
A great pleasure|to meet you, Mrs. Arness.
I meant her.
Oh.
Her?
Her?
Her is... her...
She is our... our nanny.
Dad, I'm bored.
Kids, how good to see you.
Don't we just love|our nanny, Charlene?
Uh... um...
Y-yeah.
Don't you just love being|our nanny, Charlene?
Yessir.
Now I'm gonna go on down|to the pool with the child'n.
Maybe we make fun of the white|folks again, huh, kids?
Ooh-hoo!
Oh, the kids just love her.
- What a sense of humor.|- Yeah.
Peter, I'm going to hang|by the pool.
If you need me,|that's where I'll be.
Mrs. Arness.
Uh, right this way,|Mrs. Arness.
Come, William.
You have the papers?
Oh, yes, yes, I do.
Strange clothes for a nanny.
Well, it's a fashion to kids.
- Ow!|- William, mind.
Hello, Sanderson family!
Georgey,|don't forget poker night!
I won't.
How could I forget|poker night?
I propose a toast.
Okay.
To us.
May we always...
- Sorry. It's mine.
Oh, you're not gonna|answer that, are you?
Well, it might be...|might be one of my kids.
Just one minute.
Sorry.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
Oh, hi, Ashley.|Everything okay?
I don't know.
I saw Peter hanging out|at the club today.
He was mingling with|a large black woman.
What? What are you|talking about?
He said it was his nanny.
She didn't look like any nanny|I'd ever seen.
She was all...|tattooed and welfarish.
- It was...
Oh, is that funny to you?|Is that funny?
Am I funny to you?
No, no.|That's not funny.
Were you laughing at me?
Oh, I wasn't...
Stop. Get away.
No, I wasn't|laughing at you.
Just... hang on.
Um, you know, look,|I know Peter. I know him.
He's not gonna spend all his|time taking care of the kids.
He went and hired somebody!
Seriously, Kate!|This woman was no nanny.
You need to do something.
I saw this woman.|I was there.
Shouldn't you at least|be looking at references?
Thank you. Thank you.
Listen, Peter is nothing|if not responsible.
It's not like he's gonna|hire a convicted felon.
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure|about that.
Ohh!
Let's see... we got resisting|arrest, assaulting an officer,
repeated attempts|at eye-gouging,
and... scrotum crushing.
Well, I was a little riled up,|being framed and all.
And your clothes and I.D.|Were found at the scene.
All plants.|I never robbed nobody!
Okay.
I know my rights.|I get an appeal.
I get an appeal!
You only get an appeal if you|were convicted and incarcerated.
You were released.
Look, why don't you just|start over?
Go back to school and get|at least a passing familiarity
- With the English language.
It's no end|to what you can accomplish
with a little commitment.
My daughter Sarah|is fully committed,
and she's going places.
Oh, she's goin' places,|all right.
HOWIE: So, it's a charitable|remainder trust.
That way, the old tightwad gets|a huge deduction every year.
Uh, no more calls, Sofia.
It's not a call.|There's someone here...
Girl, get out!
I do not know who you are...
Send her in.
Bet you know me now, huh?
This couldn't wait|until tonight?
Well, well, well!
Come in, have a seat,|spend some time.
Thanks, homeboy,|and, no, it can't wait.
You gotta check this out.
- What is it?|- I found the deposition.
The prosecution interviewed|an eyewitness,
and she told them|that the perpetrator
didn't have a tattoo|on the chest.
They never told my lawyer|about this shit.
That's withholding exculp...
Exculpatory evidence.|People vs. Stanley, I know.
How do you know that?
Why wouldn't she know that?|She's got it goin' on.
Damn, Pete, all I did in there|was read law books.
And with comprehension.
Made you think I was a lawyer.
I mean, you obviously have|pockets of intelligence.
So, why do you walk and talk|and act the way you do?
Because it's sexy.
It ain't actin'!
This is who I am.
I mean, you think|I can't talk like you?
Oh, Peter,
I absolutely love what|you've done with the place!
It's so sterile, so...|so bland, so wonderful!
See? You can do it.
Oh, you like that, huh?
Well, you can kiss|my natural black ass,
because I don't need|your approval.
No, she don't need|your approval.
Hey, you don't think|I compromise the way I act?
You think I like walking around|like an uptight... honky?
Yes. I know your lingo.
Peter, Mr. Tobias|is coming to see you.
Oh, God.
Well, this should be|interesting.
Uh-oh. What we gotta do,|play "hide the sister"?
Or do I gotta do|that slave thing again?
Just... just act natural.
- Let's get her out of here.|- Why don't we get her out?
Um, um, um, um, um...
Peter... Howie.
Ed.
Who is this?
- Uh, this is the...|- Well, we were just having...
Well, Mr. Sanderson,|I can see you are very busy.
That's why I really|appreciate you
offering your services|free of charge.
Oh, I... well,|I just... gosh.
- Peter...
She is...
Well, see,|Mr. Sanderson here,
being the heavenly man|that he is...
God bless you!
Oh, you got that anointing|on you...
...has offered to do the taxes|for the Compton Evangelistic
Episcopal Baptist church|of South Central.
You know,|just anything to help
Reverend Shack... tillfont.
Just call him Shack.
Shack.
Well, I'll let you guys go.
I'll see you at choir rehearsal|on Thursday.
7:00, now!
I'll escort|Mrs. Shacktill... font
to the elevator.
Gentlemen.
Uh, Peter,|we're really in a crunch.
I just got word that another|firm's in the running
for the R&S account.
We need to close this deal.
Look...
I have no problem being|Peter's wingman on this one.
Oh, well, thanks anyway, but I|really have it under control,
so, you don't have to worry|about a thing, Ed.
Good. Then I'll expect you|to wrap it up in a day or two.
- That's the plan, certainly.
Well.
Could you...
- Sure.|- Thank you.
Thank you.
She can't tee up her own ball?
I've been playing this game|for many years...
That's what it feels like.
...and it's all about|patience.
PETER:|Well, you beat me by 19.
MRS. ARNESS:|Uh, let's make it 20.
All right.
Mrs. Arness, I was wondering
if you'd like to come over|to my house on Thursday
and possibly|look over the contract.
I'll have to check with|my secretary, Julia.
Mrs. Arness, would you|excuse me for a minute?
I just have to|check on my children.
Oh, of course.|You do that.
I'd like to dip you|in Cheez Whiz
and spread you over|a Ritz Cracker,
if I'm not being too subtle.
Boy, you are|some kind of freaky.
Oh, you have no idea.
You got me|straight trippin', boo.
Hey, hey, hey!|Hey, what are you doing here?
What does it look like?|I'm on a date.
On a date.
She's on a date?|She's a felon.
- I am not a felon.|- Hey, what is she doing here?
Get used to it, Twiggy.
You're gonna be seeing|a lot more of me around here.
Not without a broom|in your hand.
If I have, it's 'cause I'm here|to sweep up the white trash.
Save it for the YMCA, Jemima.
Bitch! I'm gonna kick|the bulimia out of your ass!
Have you ever had|a tempered moment?
Why don't you go back to the|vodka bottle you crawled out of?
Mrs. Arness is here.
I am sheltering you.|I'm helping you.
Remember, I helped you...
All right!|I'll let it ride.
Thank you for letting it ride.|That is wise and mature.
Now, just get her walking|that way.
Let me show you the place,|Charlene.
Looking good, Lois!
Hey, freak boy...
I'm gonna make myself a little|more luscious for you, okay?
I'll be right back.
Okay, precious.
What are you doin' in here?
I told you you was gonna be|seein' more of me, right?
Look, I came here to warn you.
You keep disrespecting me,
and it's gonna get rough|around here.
Back off, Shaniqua.
You don't scare me.
You know what? That's it.
You must need a little more|eye shadow, right? Come on!
You've messed with|the wrong W.A.S.P., bitch.
Compliments of Tae-Bo,
two hours a day,|five days a week.
Compliments of the 'hood,|24 hours a day, all my life.
You know, for a skinny white ho,|you're pretty tough.
And I don't ever want to have|this conversation again!
"The girl had dou..."
"...ble..."
"...double D-cups."
There you go. You got it,|lil' man.
"I put my mouth|on her nip..."
"...ples."
What is that?
What are you doing|letting him read th...
He read. You read.
Georgey, you read.
I'm gonna kill you!
I am so proud of you.
I'm turning you in!
Pfft.|I found it in your drawer.
Well, I am a grown man|of 54... 41... 49 years old,
and he's 8, and what I read|in the privacy of my...
How'd you do it?
Oh, God,|I'm never gonna get this done.
Look,|the boy don't look carefully
at the details in a word,
so most of the time,|he's just guessin'.
What you got to do|is just slow it down
and give him somethin'|stimulatin' to read.
Dad?
What's a rack?
It's a country.
Well...
I was just doin' it|'cause he was botherin' me.
Well, either way...
Can you get rid of this?
Just put it back in my room,
'cause I'll get rid of it,|'cause I have a special...
Well, Mrs. Kline,|how wonderful to see you.
Come in!
It's girls poker night|at the house.
Where's my little dealer?
Well, just wait right here,|and I will just go get him.
Georgey, Mrs. Kline is here!
Hi, Mrs. Kline.
Come on, Georgey!
Tonight, I'm gonna|teach you to bluff.
And I think we need to|comb your hair differently.
You look like a fag.
- I'm not a fag!|- I didn't say you were.
- Hello.|- Hi. How are you?
Oh, good evening, sir.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dad, I don't want you|to freak out, okay?
Why would I freak out?
Well...
Dad, this is Aaron.
Hi.
- Hello.|- How do you do, sir?
L-l-I'm so glad|to actually meet you.
L-l-I told Sarah|that it was very important
that you feel comfortable|with me
taking her to|my parents' for dinner.
So, this is a date?
Oh, um, I'll have her home|by 11:00 at the latest, sir?
I guess that'd be all right.
All right. Did it work?
Yeah,|like a charm, my friend.
All right. Let's party.
Hey, watch the seats.
- All right...|- Oh, shut up.
No, I'm serious.|It's leather.
Hmm.
Well, look at you,|all growed up.
There's nothing to eat|in the house.
Yeah.|You comin' to a point?
Well, I'm hungry.|Are you?
You askin' me out?
Well, no, I'm not.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
Oh, look at the legs|on this wine.
I'm telling you,|this place is bangin'.
Don't you just mean,|"This is nice"?
Why the word "bangin"'|make you so uptight?
You're smart... if you'd just|deign to speak English
with what you learned|on the Internet and in prison,
you could be|a paralegal tomorrow.
Like they gonna be beatin' down|my door to let me in school.
You're exactly|the kind of person they want.
Well, why would I want|to do that, anyway?
I've been to your office.
Everybody's all uptight,|overworked,
tired, stressed-out,|don't see their family.
"Ooh, Ed is comin'."|"Ooh, Tobias."
I get a wedgie|just walking in your office.
Hey, it's what people do.|They work.
Look, all I'm sayin' is|I did the confinement thing
for four years.
If you're so concerned|with my future,
just help me clear my name.
I got it from there.
I got my own dreams,|my own goals.
- Hey, give it to me.
Hey!|What'd you do that for?!
- 'Cause you work too much.|- This is my phone!
That's probably why your wife|left your sorry ass.
Okay, Oprah, if you're so good|at relationships,
how come you don't|have a boyfriend?
I had one.
It's just I haven't seen|or heard from him
since I went in|four years ago.
Were you in love with him?
Come on, let's go dance.
Ha ha ha ha... no.
Come on. When is|the last time you danced?
At my wedding.
Don't worry, I can dance.|It's just that I don't wanna.
Come on, smooth. Show me|what you're workin' with.
I can dance.|I just don't want to dance.
Man, you can't dance.
- Well, I got moves.|- Let me see.
All right, all right.
Okay, one last|little drink here.
What, you got to pee?
This was big in high school.
Man, look, you can't dance|from your brain.
You gotta feel it.|Now, come on.
Show me how|you made them kids.
- What the hell...|- How's this?
That's great for an epileptic.|Come on, now.
You gotta move your pelvis|with it.
More hips.|There you go.
Get smooth with it.
Well, I'm sorry.|I can't help it. I miss him.
Oh, snap out of it, already.
I'm snapped. I'm snappy.
Oh, God, Ash.
I still can't believe|you were hit by a car.
Did you call a lawyer?
Oh, I can't talk to a lawyer.|I was jaywalking.
So, can we just stop...
- What?|- Oh, my God.
What?
Look at that!
Oh, my God, it's true.|Look at that! Look at that!
He never danced like that|with me.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
No! Sit!
Why?
I can't tell you.
If I talk about it,
gangster people will come|to my house and cut me.
Oh.
Oh, he almost looks|like a fun person.
Must've been me.
Was it me?
No. Stop beating yourself up.|It's him.
Can we just|get out of here? Now?
You know what they say...
once you go black,|you never go back.
Can we get the check, please?
And that's why|I worked so hard,
so I could give Kate a good|life, then it backfired!
Man, bitches don't care|nothin' about that shit.
Oh, bitches do too care.
I'm gonna|tell you a secret...
sometimes I drive by our old|house, and I just look at it,
and I just remember our life,|and it just hurts!
Man, that is so pathetic,|P. Diddy.
But you know what?|I'm gonna help you get her back.
How?
Well, first,|we gotta create a mood.
Just like at|the restaurant, baby.
I'm already there.
Yeah.|Now, feel the Barry.
Feel Barry White.|Talk like Barry.
- Okay, that's Barry.|- Yeah.
This is Kate.
Hey, Kate. Yeah.
I want you to talk nasty|to her!
Talk nasty!
I'd like to kiss you a lot.
Cut that sensitive shit,|Nancy Boy!
What?
- You gotta be a beast!|- A beast!
Yeah!
In the bedroom,|a woman wants a man
that knows how to ride her|when she bucks.
Ride 'em when she bucks!|Ride 'em!
It's just... I can't.|It's a sculpture. I just can't.
All right, okay.
Use me, then.
Damn it, grab these.
- What?!|- Grab 'em!
Oh, I get it, yeah.
- Hey, Kate.|- Uh-huh.
Yeah, you've been waitin'|for this for a while, huh?
That's right. Now,|what you gonna do to her?
I'll tell you|what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna give you|an aromatherapy massage
with incense!
No! Come on, now!
Wimps give|aromatherapy massages!
Tell her again!
All right!
I'm gonna have...
sexual intercourse, baby!
No, you... you a beast!|You need some of these.
- Yeah.|- Cojones grande!
Yeah! I'm gonna put 'em|in my pants!
- Get in there, boys!|- Now, grab 'em!
- Grab 'em. Yeah, hey, baby!|- Grab 'em!
Now, what you gonna do?|What you gonna do?!
Yeah, Mama! You gonna be|my tawdry little woman?
Damn right!|Now get to humpin'!
- Ya-hoo!|- Whoa!
- How 'bout that, huh?!|- Yeah!
How would you like me|to pounce on you
- like a lion from above?|- I like it! I like it!
- Yo!|- That's what I'm talkin'!
You ain't just|no king of the jungle,
you own that jungle!
That's your pride!
You own that jungle,|and ain't no one
gonna come around|and mess with your pride!
That's right!|I like that.
Yeah! You ain't ready|for that shit! Come on, now!
Be a beast! What you gonna do|when she starts ridin', huh?
Take care of her!|That's what I'm gonna do!
- Uh-huh! Uh-huh!|- You're mine, Kate!
- Ride that lighting rod!|- You don't need these no more.
You got your own!|You found your balls!
Yeah, I don't need those balls!|I got my own balls!
Mandingo!
What goes on in your personal|life is none of our business,
but if it begins|to affect the firm,
we need to call attention|to it.
Guys, we were moving a statue,
and we lost our footing,|and we fell.
My sister's|under the impression
that you were|humping your nanny.
I was not humping my nanny!
Peter, surely you understand|that if Mrs. Arness
were to suspect any instability|on your part...
There is no instability|in my home.
WIDOW: You sure|you can trust this guy?
Well, hey,|he's helping me reopen my case.
Y'all got any leads?
Well, a still from|the bank surveillance camera
is on its way here,
and we found a deposition|that could help.
Well, that's cool, baby.
If there's anything|I can do to help,
anything...|you just holler.
I gotta run.
Hey, Widow, if you meant|what you just said,
it's not gonna be an easy job.
WIDOW: I know it ain't.
I just gotta know|that if things get rough,
you're not gonna run out|on me.
WIDOW: I've been waitin'|four years for this.
I ain't gonna mess up.
Mmm.
Ooh!
Planning another heist?
No.|Why would you say that?
I don't know.
Maybe it was hearing|the words "job" and "hot"
bandied between|two tattooed people?
That was just my old boyfriend|I told you about... Widow.
He's just tryin'|to get back with me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm tellin' you the truth!
Look, I just didn't|want you to see him,
because Widow, he ain't been|the best boyfriend,
and I knew|he'd be all over me.
Now you suddenly care|what I think?
No.
Maybe.
A little bit.
No more late visits?
Word.
Convicted felon's honor?
Innocent convicted felon's|honor.
Now, give me some dap,|right there on the edge.
Right there, and then|come up here like that.
- Pow, like that.
Hello?
SARAH: Dad!
Hey, sweetie.
Is Charlene there?
Yeah, she's here.|Do you want to talk to her?
- You okay?|- Yeah, I'm...
All right.
- Sarah? Okay.|- Girl talk.
What up, dog?
I need you to come pick me up.|I can't talk about it right now.
Where you at?
I'm on the corner|of Venice and Canal,
and there's a whole lot|of people out front.
- Please don't tell my dad!|- All right.
No, just calm down.|I'm comin' to get you.
I'm sorry.|I didn't know who else to call.
It's cool.|What's goin' on?
Hey, Sarah, what have|you been up to? Hee hee!
Is that your boyfriend?
No, he's not my boyfriend.
I liked his friend, Mike,
and we hung out a few times,|and he was always really nice,
but then... all he wanted to|do tonight was have sex,
I mean, he moved in|kind of rough, and...
He got rough with you?|Where he at?
He went back there|with that group.
Go wait downstairs.
Yo, Mike!
Please, don't kill me!
Oh, God!
What are you? Crazy?!
Pull me up!|What do you want?!
Sarah!
Mike has somethin'|to say to you.
Say "sorry"!
L-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!|God, I am sorry!
Say "No means no."
No means no!
She was where?!
Calm down. It's just...
- She is 14!|- She's 15! Wait!
G... well... oh!
Look...
Sarah don't need a warden.
She needs her father...|you...
so you can't get mad,|all right?
You do it, she'll never|tell you anything again.
All right.|I get it. I get it.
Just be cool. Just play it cool,|you know what I mean?
Just listen to her.|Let her do the talkin'.
I am listening to you!
Thank you.
Don't trip.
Don't trip.
So...
you went out with a boy...
and he took you to a party,
where kids were... drinking
and "trippin' on E."...
and then he took you|up to a room
where he tried to...
"get all up in that..."
which he... didn't?
And then Charlene came...
in my new car...|and brought you home
after first...|"bitchslapping" him.
Well...
...that was some night.
Oh, Dad!
I can't believe|you're not killing me!
Oh! This is so great! I want|everything out in the open!
Oh, I have so much more|to tell you!
Kate, what are you doing here?
W-What are you doing here?
It's my shortcut home|from work.
No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.|- Is not.
I thought you were|in the mountains.
Well, yeah,|l-I came back early.
There were bears that were|mauling the campers
and eating them.
Wow.
But other than that...|nothing went wrong with your...
Oh, no, no.|He's great.
Yeah, I liked him.
So, how's your...
My what?
Your life?
Anything hip and new?
No.
I'm having a good time|with the kids.
Good. Glad you're having|fun with her.
Them.
What?
You look, um...
Yeah.
Rested.
Nice. You look nice.
So, um, I guess I'll come by|later and pick up the kids.
Oh, I was wondering if I could|keep them through Friday.
Really?|You're not too busy?
No.
Well, yes, it's okay.
It's wonderful, Peter.
You know, if you wanted|to come ov...
- Go ahead.
Sorry.
- Hello?
Yo, get your butt home, dog.
I will be home in my own|sweet time, girlfriend.
You gotta come now. Arness said|she on her way over here.
Oh, I forgot all about that.
Oh, I'm sorry.|L-l-I have to go.
I just forgot|about something,
but I want to continue|this conversation,
so I will call you, or you can|call me on my cell.
Bye!
- Is she here yet?|- No!
The place is a mess!
- We gotta clean this place up!
Hey, get upstairs|and get ready!
And what are you reading?!
Get up there!|Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hey, yo, P.,|while we got this minute...
there's somethin' I really|been meanin' to tell you...
Well, you'll have to wait.
Kids! She's here!
Mrs. Arness?
Oh!
I'll get right to the point,|Mr. Sanderson.
There are rumors circulating
that your personal life|and your home are in disarray,
and this makes me feel|very unsettled.
I don't know who misinformed|you, but please, come in.
I'd hate to think you're|under any misapprehension
about me or my family.
Sarah? Georgey?
You remember Mrs. Arness?
So lovely to see you again.
Um, Father,|when you have a moment,
would you mind helping me with|my report on Queen Victoria?
Sure, kitten.
And don't forget, Pop, tomorrow|you have to come to school
and help hand out the food|to the poor kids.
Have I ever forgotten|to help the poor kids?
No, Pop. Never.
In truth, Mr. Sanderson,|you have a lovely home.
Thank you.
And your children|are very well-behaved.
- They're angels.
- Oh, William.
Oh, look!
He's even taken a fancy|to your boy.
That's so sweet.
Anyway, we can go to the den|and get the contracts...
What is that heavenly smell?
Ah, that would be|Charlene preparing dinner.
Anyway, the contracts...
I haven't smelled home cooking|like that since I was a child.
Really? Anyway...
Brings back|such happy memories.
Does it? Anyway, actually,|the den is closer...
Your table looks so inviting.
Yes. It's too bad|it's so small.
Small?
Well, actually,|it's big, isn't it?
It's a big table, so...
there would be room|for one more.
Oh, well, if it's not|an imposition...
Oh... oh.
Well, let me just go check|if there's enough food.
I'm not... I'm not sure,
because, uh, actually,|this is the night of, uh,
Yiminum, the, uh...|the holiday where
white people eat|very little portions
because that was the night|the Lord came down,
and he was given food,
and there was just too much,|and he said, "No."
And so, he had|a smaller portion,
and that's why we might not|have enough.
So, I'll just go check on, uh,|what the Lord would say.
Just one second.
SARAH: Come here, William.
Hey, come here.|Are you hungry?
Charlene...
If there was ever a time|I needed a favor, it's now.
You got it, baby.|Anything.
Oh, thank you!
Oh. Mrs. Arness?
Yes? Oh, yes.
My family and I are pleased|to invite you for dinner.
Yeah, oh.
Well, very well.|I wasn't expecting this.
Uh, but if you insist.
And then afterwards,|we can sign the contracts.
Of course.
Dinner is served.
I was raised|in the South, you know.
That smells just like|our Ivy's jambalaya.
She was so wonderful.
We paid her nothing,|of course, you know.
But, then, people had standards|of service in those days.
And, of course, Ivy did know
that you serve from the left|and collect from the right.
Don't...
stop at that story, because|I love hearing about your past.
That is fascinating.
Oh, yes.
Well, anyway,|as I was saying...
Yeah. Fast-actin'.
Fast-actin'.
Ooh, I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you.
Uh-huh.|I'll serve your food right.
Was it the left?|Was it the right?
Father's work with the|Pasadena Republican Youth Group
has truly been invaluable.
I hope y'all brought|y'all appetites.
Oh, yes.
I brought mine.
Oh, my goodness.
This is much too much for me.
I'll never get through|all that.
I have a little less here.|I'll trade with you.
Thank you.
What, Charlene?
Nothing, sir.
Oh, this food|is so delicious.
Serves him right, anyway,
makin' me wear|this stinkin' outfit.
You're very lucky to have found|such talented help.
Well, our Ivy was with us|for so long,
we really thought of her|as one of the family.
And after every meal,
my mother would scrape|all the food we hadn't eaten
and put it on one big plate|and give it to Ivy.
Charlene...
what is that|particular taste?
It's familiar, yet...
Is it some kind of herb|like sage?
No, it's sort of more|like a milk of mint.
Milk of... whatever it is,|the taste is explosive.
Well, good, then.
Enjoy.
Oh, just one moment.
Uh, you know, uh,
there's a lovely,|sad Negro spiritual...
...that Ivy's brother used...
Are you all right?
Anyway, Ivy's brother|used to sing this
when he came in|from the tobacco fields.
Now, there's a second verse
if you'd like to join|in the chorus.
That's an unusual feeling.
- Dad?
Are you okay?
I hope your father's|all right.
Does this happen often?
Well, If you'll excuse us.
Georgey, let's go watch that|biography on Francis Drake.
We... I mean,
he seemed to be|so moved by that song.
Oh, he movin', all right.
- And tonight's top story...|- William?
The FBI needs your help
in finding fugitive at large|Charlene Morton.
Charlene is an African-American|female, 31 years of age...
What is it?
...and 5'6", 175 pounds,
with a tattoo|on her left breast.
Convicted of armed robbery,
Charlene is considered|cunning and highly dangerous.
Having escaped from the Women's|Correctional Facility
outside Los Angeles|a mere six days ago,
Morton is suspected|to be armed.
This bank surveillance tape|shows Charlene wielding a gun
and holding a customer hostage.
Charlene is considered dangerous|and may be armed.
If you have any information|concerning Charlene Morton,
please contact|your local FBI office.
That's it for tonight's edition|of "Criminals at Large."
Good night and be safe.
PETER: Mrs. Arness,|I can explain everything.
Pete, before you lose it,|just let me explain.
There's nothing to say.
But I didn't do it, Pete.
You have to get out.
All right.|I'll get my stuff.
I don't understand.|You saw her and where is she?
I don't know where she is.
Don't drop the soap.
What the hell does that mean?
I just don't believe this.|I'm worried about her.
I hate the fact that|she's out there all alone.
You're worried about the poor,|innocent, frail creature
who can hardly take care|of herself on the street?
What about me?|Tobias is gonna fire me!
And another goody...
if Arness calls the cops,|I could go to jail!
Here's the local number|for the Bureau.
The FBI takes harboring|a fugitive very seriously.
You, gentlemen, will be|the first to hear from me.
Arness didn't call the cops,|she called the FBI.
- Now, you haven't seen me.|- I have seen you.
No, I mean,|you haven't seen me.
I'm looking right at you.|What are you...
If you do hear from her,
please tell her the cool points|are out the window and...
she's got me all twisted up|in the game.
Why you messin' with Lene?
I'm not messing with her,|I'm helping her.
Bullshit!
Uh! I'm telling you|the truth!
Listen up.|You do not reopen this case.
From now on,|I'm handlin' it for her.
I'm not gonna reopen the case.|The case is closed.
Stay out of her life.
If I got to come back here,|things are gonna get bloody.
Maybe I should|just finish this now.
We have to find Charlene.
I thought you hated Charlene.
I found out she's innocent.
I knew it. I knew it.
Where am I gonna find her?
Well, you can call her.
How can I call her|if I don't know where she is?
I gave her your phone,|in case you might...
You gave her my new|$600 titanium cellphone?
Good idea. Come on.
W-What happened to your head?
Metropolitan Museum of Art.|How may I help you?
I know who set you up.
What?! Who?
Get in.
So, what's up?
The guy points a gun to my head
and tells me|not to reopen the case.
I'm thinking,|"Why is he doing this?"
And then it dawns on me...|it's because he was involved.
God damn him.
I can't believe|Widow did this to me.
Where do you think he is?
I don't know.
Probably downtown|at this club he hang out at
called the Down Low.
Got to get a confession.
You can't go there.
Eh, man, I'm serious.
A white man at the Down Low
is either a cop, a corpse,|or a crackhead.
You can't even talk 'hood.
I'll figure out something.
Oh, and Howie told me|to tell you
that "The cool points|are out the window,
and you got him|all twisted up in the game."
Really?
That's the nicest thing|anybody's ever said to me.
I'm gonna drop you off here
because I got to get to the|office for a conference call.
So, I'll see you|in a little bit.
All right. Okay, cool.
Yeah, freak boy,|I need a ride.
Can you come now?
Damn.|A straight, cold pimp.
Looks like Gendler|beat us to her.
I can assure you, Mrs. Arness,
Peter Sanderson|is no longer affiliated
with Tobias, Kline, and Barnes.
Good.
You have great ankles.
What?!
Were you a dancer?
Yeah... well, yes.|I was.
I bet you had great presence.
Oh. How you two doin'?
I hope I'm not interruptin'|anything.
You're nasty.
W-What are you doing here?
Please, Mrs. Arness, I'm not|here to cause any trouble.
Well, that would be a first.
Julia? Julia?
Julia a little tied up|right now.
I just need you|to hear me out.
Peter is not responsible|for any of this. I am.
I mean,|the guy is a great lawyer.
And he's one of the most|decent men I've ever known.
- I doubt that's saying much.|- Shut up, fool.
If only you knew the lengths|he's willing to go to
to help a friend.
Listen... sister...
"Sister"?
Why don't you go back|to Sanderson,
and the "Jungle Fever" thing|the two of you got goin' on,
before I call the cops?
That's it, pretty boy.
You ever met the big hurt?
The who?
I wouldn't do that|if I were you!
And why not?
You'll be instantly returned|to prison, where you belong.
All right. That's it.
- How dare you!
To hell|with what I just said.
You obviously|one of them hard learners.
Howie?
This is my house! I will not|be told to do what I...
William.
I'm Kate Sanderson.|Have you seen my kids?
- Over there.|- Oh!
Hey!
Oh, God!
What is going on?
It's just the FBI, Mom.
Yeah, they're just doing|a, like, search.
For what?
Well, for Charlene.|But she's not...
The FBI is looking|for your nanny?
Man, take your hands off me!
I said, back off me, punk!
That's what I mean.|You know what I'm sayin'?
You don't want|none of this, now.
Excuse me...
Homeboys...
Say, yo.|You got a bathroom in there?
Say, yo, what's the dealio?
Mmm. Who's your daddy?
Back that booty up|and put it on the glass.
Anybody here|dig what I'm sayin'?
So...
your nanny was doing time...
for armed robbery.
And then she broke out|of prison...
...and then she came here.
But she's innocent...
and now your dad|has gone off to...
help her.
SARAH: Sounds crazy, right?
He's not the same guy anymore.
Yeah, he's really cool.
Say, any of you homies|holdin' extra Jimmy High?
'Cause I'm all about crunchin'|some of that boofanny tonight.
If you harm one hair|on that dog's head...
Yeah, "Harm a hair on the head."|You got me all nervous.
- Hello?
- Sarah?|- Oh, hey, Charlene.
Put your daddy on the phone.
No, he's not here.|He went out to find you.
He went to find me?!
All right.
Howie, flip a "U."|We headed downtown.
Downtown's where I live,|precious.
- No! No!
What's on your mind, player?
What's with you? You been|drinkin' some "Hatorade"?
What's up, Flavor?|Where you from?
From the 'hood|and misunderstood.
- How's your pimp hand, dog?|- Strong, baby, strong.
Can you swerve, snowman?
Do I got "honky"|spray-painted on my forehead?
Of course I can.|I'm tryin' to peep a bowwow.
If you so at home, man,|then dance with the woman.
I can't. I got b'ness.
Go on out there|and get your groove on.
No, I can't. I got important|b'ness to take care of.
I tell you, but...
You'll get a life sentence|for this.
You're a kidnapper|and a whore!
Hey.|Keep talkin', tea bag.
Ooh?! Tea bag!
Yeah, you'll be gummin'|your bubbles.
Yeah, oh! Terrible.
Damn, boy, you lookin'|all kind of stupid.
Really?
'Cause I got this outfit|from your mama.
Yo, Eminem,|cut the wigger shit.
I don't think you know|how much trouble you in.
Fine, fine, fine.
I'm here to talk business...
private business.
What fresh air is this?
I don't see him anywhere.
I think he's in that back room|over there.
What do we do|with Her Majesty?
Sit down.
What?
Sit it on down.
Now, look, if you move,
your little Willy|gonna be bridged down.
- You dig?|- Dig.
All right. Come on.
Is that real?
Uh, Seven and Seven, double.
How you doin'?
What?!
I said, "How you doin'?"
Oh, fantastic.
You either the dumbest cracker|I ever met or you straight up...
Hold that thought.|I love this song.
Turn that off.
- Get everybody up out of here.
I'm telling you,|he is definitely in there.
Okay, all right,|so he's in there,
and then you go in,|and then what happens?
Three seconds.
- Why you here?
I got a feeling you're sitting|on a hefty sum of stolen cash.
You want to hide it,|you need a lawyer.
What's with the phone?
I'm calling in the cavalry.
You'll go back to prison.
So you wanna help me|launder my money?
I can hide it|in an untraceable account
in the Cayman Islands.
All I want is $100,000.
We both walk out of here|wealthier men.
And I tell you where|Charlene is... that simple.
You wearin' a wire?
Me?
No. Are you?
Then...|then they kidnapped me.
And they took my dog,|William.
That's a damn shame.
Oh, you don't care.
You smokin', Grandma?
Why not?
- To hell with your proposition.
Hold it. Charlene is ready|to roll over on you.
She knows|who your accomplice was.
- Oh, that's pretty funny.|- I'm not kidding.
They're out in the parking lot|waiting for my signal and...
and... and...|and the signal is...
if I don't come back,|they call the FBI.
There was no accomplice, fool.
There was a girl in the photo.
No, there was somebody|in a wig and a dress.
You...
You left her clothes,|the gun, and the money.
See?
You just too damn smart|for your own good.
Look, we can't wait no more.
Wait, wait. Charlene!
Open up.|Widow wanna see me.
Says who?
Says Lene.
Pete.
Well, ain't this|a psychic moment?
I was just comin' to see you.
Come on, Widow.|This is between me and you.
Let him go.
No problem.
Oh, shit.
What... come on, now.|What are you doin'?
Ugh!
I got it.
- Aim it, aim it, Howie!|- Yeah!
Uh-huh!|Who got the gun now, huh?
Who got that gun now?|Homie, that's right.
Get y'all asses|on the ground!
Asses on the ground|where I can see 'em, huh?
Take him out!
Ugh!
Pussies.
Ooh!
- Ugh!|- Ooh.
Ugh!
Wasn't that fun?
I'm just gonna roll up|on out of here.
Thank you.
- Aah!|- FBI!
Everybody, freeze!
Charlene! Charlene!|Oh, baby!
Oh, oh, baby.
Charlene.
Son of a...
Drop it!
Oh, Charlene.
What?
Damn, dog.
Hey, Howie, she's all right.
Charlene...
I...
Do me a favor, precious.
Don't ever scare me|like that again,
or I'm gonna have to give you|a nasty spanking,
if I'm not being too subtle.
He's such a damn freak.
Are you Sanderson?
Yeah.
Wait, wait.|She's innocent.
Save it.
I can prove it.
Mr. Sanderson...|that was pretty ballsy.
You'd make a hell of an agent.
Oh, thank you very much,|but I don't think I did anything
- an ordinary man wouldn't do...|- Thanks again.
Mr. Sanderson...
There you are.
You have behaved abonidably.
Aboni...
Abomidably.
- Abodi...|- Abominably.
I know.
- Shakespeare.|- Shakespeare.
No, wait.|This is serious.
And I'll have you dis...
disboweled.
Oh!
Uh, disballed.
Dis...
Disbarred?
Disbarred.
Oh, to hell with it.
I do believe I'm stoned.
Just don't tell anybody|you ever saw me like this.
Mrs. Arness...
William.
Oh, God,|you are an ugly dog...
and heavy.
Here, I got him.
Thank you.
Is there a 24-hour diner|around here?
I know where one is.|I'll take you there.
I'm dreadfully hungry.
You guys okay?
What do you think?
Yo, be cool, G-mo.
Yo, out back, G-mo.
Full cheesy, homey.
Well,|that's not good enough.
You'll just have to keep|trying, won't you?
I called Arness four times.|She'll only talk to Peter.
Well, we're just gonna|have to keep him around.
Oh, hey, guys.
Peter.
Did I mention|I'm going out on my own?
You don't have the resources.
Well, I have one|multibillion-dollar client.
It's a start.
And a partner.
I'm all over it, G.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Peter,|we can talk about this.
Ed, you can|kiss my natural black ass.
Peter...
Ashley,|who are you doing here?
Oh, I was, uh, meeting,|uh, uh...
- for my aunt's estate.|- About her aunt's estate.
There was a codicil.
Well, say goodbye|to half your stuff.
I'll call you.
Lookin' good, kids.|Almost there.
Peter, your 4:00 is waiting|for you in your office.
I don't have|any meetings today.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize|I had an appointment.
Hey.
So, this is how a big-time|tax attorney lives, huh?
This place is big pimpin',|P. Diddy.
- How you doin'?|- I'm a'ight.
I really wanted|to tell you again
how much I appreciate|what you did for me.
If I could only give you back|half of what you've given me.
Please. We'll call it even.|Now give me a hug.
Hey, white people don't hug.
You ain't white.
Well, I'm off-white.
Good to see you.
Kate...
Hi.
Um, oh, well, I'm, uh...
I got to finish up|some things with Howie.
Oh, Kate, this is Charlene.|Charlene, this is Kate.
Hi. You've certainly been|shaking things up around here.
Well, shakin'|is what I do best.
It's a pleasure|to meet you, Kate.
Thank you.
And take care of him for me.
Hi.
Hi.
So...
what...|what brings you down?
I mean, you know,|not what brings you down,
but, I mean,|what brings you down here?
Well, I was|just wondering, um...
how often do you take|that shortcut past my house?
Technically?
Uh, well...
uh, pretty much every day.
Well, you know,|technically...
That's stalking.
It's kind of cute.
Kate...
There's something|I want to say to you.
The cool points|are out the window,
and I'm all twisted up|in the game.
What does that mean?
It means I love you.
- Ohh!|- Ohh!
Rastaman, hold still,|or you're gonna have
these Jamaican beads|all over the floor.
Yeah, here we go.
All right, halfway done.
What you think?
Holler at your boy.
- Hey.|- Nothin' is nothin'.
Who's your daddy now?
Boy, you are some kind|of freaky.
I'm here.
Help me.|My client is going to jail.
Oh, no, she's not.
I think I've got it.
Really?
Look up Hasson v. Conrad.
Similar circumstantial|evidence...
case was thrown out.
Legaleagle, thank you.
You are by far|the most brilliant mind
in this chat room.
Thank you, Lawyer-girl.
I realize we have|certain anonymity here,
but do you, by any chance,|have a name?
It's Charlene.
I missed you yesterday.
How was your day?
Uneventful.
I exercised for an hour|in the morning,
poked around in the yard|in the afternoon,
and visited with a girlfriend|down the block in the evening.
Sounds innocent enough.
Don't let my humdrum day|fool you, now.
I also have a very dark side.
Well, I'm 31
with long, flowing locks|and an athletic body.
Peter, what do you look like?
I'm... a little older...|6'2".
My hair is...|it's light.
Uh, it's boyishly light.
And good night to you,|Lawyer-girl.
Gendler.
- Good morning, Mr. Sanderson.|- Hi.
Morning, Peter.
How are you?
Gentlemen.
Oh, good. Peter's here.|We can begin.
Okay.|On to pressing business.
Word has come to us
that coffee heiress|Mrs. Virginia Arness
has dismissed|her current tax lawyers.
Virginia Arness.
74 years old, born and raised|in Athens, Georgia.
At the age of 13,
she was shipped off to|boarding school in England,
where she's been residing|until just recently.
That was only two days ago.
Impressive.
Now, we've all heard
that Mrs. Arness has|a penchant for thriftiness.
And that she brings new meaning|to the term "conservative."
It's not going to be easy.
She's paranoid|and suspicious. Peter...
I'm her guy.
I'm single.|I'll give her nights, weekends.
Aren't you getting married|on Sunday, Todd?
That's flexible.
And, Peter, I wouldn't|want this to interfere
with your family's|Hawaiian vacation.
You go on.
I got it all taken care of.
Mahalo.
Well, that's very admirable|of you, Todd.
I mean, your youth|definitely makes you an ass...
...et to the company,
especially at the annual|softball game.
But to an archconservative,|74-year-old woman?
What will we do is not charge|Mrs. Arness one single red cent
for her estate planning.
Why?
Because we don't care|about that measly fee.
We use it as a loss leader|to get her corporate business,
the multibillion-dollar|Arness coffee conglomerate.
How may I help you, Howie?
Just thought I'd congratulate|you on turning it around.
Turning what around?
You snaked Gendler.
Please.|Gendler doesn't bother me.
Oh, that's right.|He doesn't bother you.
What the heck was I thinking?
Listen, I thought|maybe after work
you and me go tie one on,
maybe check out|some of the local talent.
Can't. I'm meeting|Mrs. Arness at 6:00.
And by the way,|it's "You and I go tie one on,"
not "You and me go."
Somebody messaging you here.
Who's Lawyer-girl?
Nobody.
Whoa. Did someone make|a blind Internet date?
No. I mean, you know,|well, technically, but no.
I met her|in a legal chat room.
She's, uh, very classy|and smart.
When do you nail her?
I'm courting her tonight|at 7:00.
Oh, jeez. You're courting her.|Sounds like a hot one.
And this is her?
Yeah, she's attractive,|isn't she?
I suppose.|It's not my cup of tea.
What do you...|she is universally cute.
Eh, she's a little too|anemic-Iooking, Petey.
I like my jello to jiggle,|if I'm not being too subtle.
You're not being too subtle.
All right, as long as she spins|your knobs, I'm happy for you.
Have you nailed anyone|since Kate?
Nail... I was|supposed to call her.
Sofia, can you get my wife|on the phone?
- Ex-wife.|- Ex-wife on the phone?
Right away.
Can't help you with this one,|pal. See you later.
Peter, you cannot break|another promise to these kids.
You just can't.
I said I couldn't take them|to Hawaii.
I didn't say|I couldn't take them.
They can spend the week|with me.
They are gonna be|so disappointed.
I can't talk to you right now.
Um... Daddy can't take you|to Hawaii.
Oh, darn.
He always does this.
Sanderson, party of two.
Oh, you're the last|to arrive.
How long has she been here?
Mmm, about 20 minutes.
Was she trouble?
Thank you.
Hello.|I'm Peter Sanderson.
Well, I'm glad|they didn't send a child.
I told them I specifically|wanted someone my own age.
What a wonderful|French bulldog.
My mother had one.|They make great companions.
- What's her name?
His name is|William Shakespeare.
Well, of course.
Now, I've heard about|your unfortunate escapade.
I don't have escapades.
Fiasco with your|previous attorney.
The man was|a thieving criminal.
Just because I have|a lot of money
doesn't give people|the right to overcharge.
I do not enjoy|being taken advantage of.
Which is why our service|is free of charge.
After all, you worked hard|for your money.
I'm an heiress.
An heiress who worked hard|to keep her money.
Now, shall we get down|to business?
Fine.
So, now you may hand over|your proposal.
I'll take it with me.
Proposal?
Well, I was expecting|to meet with you tomorrow.
I was assured|the proposal would be ready
for this afternoon.
I see no point|in our meeting tomorrow.
Excuse me.|Madam, I'm sorry.
We have a no-dog policy|in the lounge.
Unfortunately, I'm gonna have|to ask you to remove the dog.
Excuse me.|I am Mrs. Arness' attorney,
and because there is no sign|posted regarding dogs,
that means there is|no policy toward dogs.
Now, if you want to avoid|a legal situation,
I would suggest|you run to the kitchen
and get some tuna tartare|for William Shakespeare
on the house.
Yes, sir.
I'm terribly sorry, ma'am.
Where and when tomorrow?
Hello, Mr. Sanderson.
Oh, Mrs. Kline.|Always a pleasure.
And when am I going to|get to babysit
with your charming|little Georgey again?
Oh, uh, well, uh, soon,
because he just loves|coming over to your place.
Uh, Mr. Sanderson?
Those Latin people|who were skulking around...
Oh. They were looking|at the Aruda house.
Casing it?
No, uh, to buy it.
Oh, please.
If they're in this block and not|carrying a leaf blower...
Well, I'd love to discuss this|with you further,
but I'm expecting someone.
Hey.
Hi.
I hope you like cham...
...poo.
What's up, baby?
Ooh, champagne.|I love champagne.
This for me?
Oh, I'm sorry. I think|you have the wrong house.
It is damn good|to finally connect.
Pardon me?
It's me, fool... Charlene.
Ooh, food.
What?
It's me, honey.|Your date... Lawyer-girl.
You can't be.
Hey, hey, hey.|Leave that alone.
Well, why can't I?
Because you're not a blonde.
Can't get nothing past you.
You must be|a bomb-ass lawyer.
Oh, look at all|of these pretty candles...
all romantic and shit.
Somebody was planning|on getting some booty tonight.
Hey! Leave that alone.|There are settings.
And you can't be Charlene,|because Charlene is more of...
Skinny white broad?
Yeah.
You know, I get that a lot.
But that's your fault|you're thinking that, bro.
You must have not have took|a good look at that picture.
I have looked|at that picture a lot,
and trust me,|you are not in it.
Move, move, move.|Let me do it.
See?
There I am.
Sorry you got it|twisted, dog.
I don't get a lot of|photo ops where I been.
Where exactly have you been?
I got a rumble in the jungle.|We still having dinner or what?
I asked you a question.
Rolex.
Rolex?
I did time, baby,|but I ain't do the crime.
You're a convict?
Bump that.
Shoot,|Roscoe cracked that door.
I kicked it off the heezy|and bounced.
For real, though.
What did you just say?
What, don't you hear good?
All right.
Let's see.|How can I put this?
I was recently liberated|from a correctional facility...
All right. I get it.
You're in the big house, and|you get someone to type for you,
and you get on the Internet,|and you misrepresent yourself.
It happens, and I'm a sucker,
but now you have to go,|because this is over.
Unh-unh. No, no, no.
Biscuit,|you misrepresented yourself.
Boyishly light... please.
Gray.
You said you was|a criminal lawyer.
I pulled your file.
You're just some sorry-ass|tax attorney.
A tax lawyer is|a criminal lawyer.
Oh, yeah?
Well, good,|'cause that's why I'm here.
Well, do tell.
Well,|I want to reopen my case.
And what did you do, smoke|some homies on a drive-by?
Smoke? Homies?
Well, you a regular|gangster, huh?
No, man. I was in for armed|robbery, but I didn't do it.
Yeah, nobody did it.
I can't be having|this conversation
because you're a criminal-type.
If I was a criminal,|I would have shanked you
when I had|that knife in my hand.
The fact that you even said that|is a problem for me.
- But I didn't think that.|- It's just time to go.
Please, just listen to me.|Just give me one second.
No, I don't have a second.
Okay, can I just|say something, please?
What?
I didn't do the crime.
You rude mother...
I ain't goin'.
It's your baby,|Peter, and don't you deny it!
That DNA test told on you!
You lie, Peter!
You know lil' Kareem is yours!
Why?!
How you gonna do me|like that, Peter?!
You told me I was your|beautiful African Queen.
And I loved you|for that, Peter!
I didn't care if your|little thing was curved.
And lil' Kareem don't want|your child support.
He just want a relationship|with his white daddy.
A little|chocolate/vanilla swirl
from that magical night|at the crackhouse.
Oh!
Come on.|Just be quiet!
Wait just a second.|My shoes.
- Mr. Sanderson?|- Whoa!
Is everything okay?
I thought I heard Negro.
- No. No Negro spoken here.
Oh.
Well... good night, then.
Oh, uh...
good night.
Come on!
Come on, come on!
You stay. You stay.|You wait right there.
Who you callin'?
- The police.
Police department.|Sergeant Panella. Please hold.
What's that?
It's all of our e-mails.
You think anybody at Tobias,|Kline, and Barnes
would be interested|in hearing
about you looking for Boom-boom|in the federal pen?
And I'll send a photo.
Thanks for holding.|Can I help you?
Now, this is just|for tonight, understand?
A'ight.
I can work with this.
But, uh, look,|don't be gettin' no ideas
about sneakin' up in here|and hittin' this ass,
'cause you blew your chance|with this fine sister.
Dare to dream.
Please.
Oh, my God! A bed!
Oh, a nice, big, cushy bed.
Ohh, no roommates,|no cellmates.
Charlene?
Charlene.
Charlene! Come on,|you're not fooling anybody.
Who that? Who there?
Who want it with Lene?
I put some bagels outside.
I thought|we could discuss your case.
Ahh!
What up, dog?|Where 'em bagels at?
Hey, guess what, girlfriend?|Your game is up.
Because I burned|all those e-mails,
including the second set hidden|in the lining of your coat.
And I deleted everything|off my computer.
So I never met you,|and you never met me.
Don't even try, girlfriend,|because it's locked.
And now I am going to go|get my kids,
as in innocent young persons
who will never even know|you were here.
So now just go.
Go, go, go, go,|go, go, go, go!
And locky locky!
So ta-ta.
And watch out.|The gate closes automatically.
Well, what about my stuff?
Oh, it's right there|on the street.
You put my stuff|on the trash?
Oh Well, you know what?
I wish you well.|I really do.
And you know what?|I had a great, great time.
It was really fun.
So, oh, well.
I guess I'll just see you|in my next life.
Bye!
I'll see you|when you get home.
So I said to him,
"Just 'cause you whisked me|to Paris on your private jet
doesn't mean|I'm gonna sleep with you."
What does he think I am?|A hooker?
Can Aunt Ashley|edit herself, please?
You stayed in|the same room with him.
What did you expect?
Hello. It was a suite...|plenty of floor space.
Sweetiepie, have a wonderful|time. I love you.
Please be good to your brother|and help him with his reading.
- I will.|- Thank you.
Is he still having problems?
Oh, he struggles every day,|but he's improving.
- Dad's here.
Thank you, sweetiepie.
Don't worry, sweetie.
Daddy's stupid, too,|and he became a lawyer.
Ashley!
I'm not stupid.
- That's right.|- No, no, no. Of course not.
Hey, Dad's here.
Speak of the dummy.
Hey, how's my little girl|doin', huh?
Hi, Dad.
Hey, how's it goin', big guy?
Ahhh, here you go.
Hi, Kate.
Hi.
Oh, Ashley, I didn't realize|you were gonna be here.
What a pleasant surprise.
Peter,|you're almost aging well.
Okay, I thought we'd go down|to the club and take a swim.
Ooh, that sounds|much more fun than Maui.
You know, Ashley,|not all of us earn our living
by milking rich geriatrics|out of their money.
Some of us have to work|for a living.
You sound much more intelligent|with your mouth shut.
Let's not start this.|I don't have time.
Kids, go get your stuff.
All right, fine.
But I warned you
about marrying the first|jerk-off you met out of college.
Now, if you'll excuse me,|I have a date.
Don't be good.
What morgue did you find|this one at?
Stop being so childish.
Hey.
Wow.|You look beautiful.
Thank you.
Uh, hi.
Uh, Peter, this is Glen.
Hey.
Hey, Mr. Sanderson.|Nice to see you.
Yeah, nice to meet you.
Uh, what do you say|we get this road on the show?
Okay.
I will meet you outside.
Okay.
Road on the show.
Just don't.
How old is he?
Younger.
- What does he do?|- Golf instructor.
- How do you know that?|- What?
Well, you think|you know somebody,
and then one day you wake up|in Thailand missing a kidney.
He could have made up|this whole golf identity.
He caddied for you|when he was 14.
That's little Glenny?
Does that bother you?
Not at all.
Go have fun|on your statutory weekend.
This does too bother you.|I know you.
Do you want to talk|about it?
Well, it just looks|a little silly.
- Hang on.
Hello?
Some things never change.
I can't talk right now.
Well, put him on.
Hi.
You promised us|you'd take us snorkeling.
Things come up.|That's life.
I know.|I'm really, really sorry.
But now it's over. It's new.|We're gonna have a lot of fun.
Now, what's new?|What's new with you?
Well, I got the female lead|in the school play "Oklahoma!"
Hey, that's great.|Congratulations.
And how 'bout you, big guy?|How's school?
I don't like school.
Well, nobody likes school,
but there must be something|you like about it.
He got into a fight|the other day.
Why?|Why'd you get in a fight?
Some kids called me a baby|'cause of the way I read.
Some of the greatest minds of|all time had trouble learning,
like Edgar Allan Poe|and Albert Einstein
and, uh, Ozzy Osbourne.
Ozzy rules.
Ozzy rules. Okay.
Dad, what's goin' on?
You two wait here.|I'll be right back.
Hey!
Whoa, whoa. Where you think|you're goin', milk?
This here's|a charitable event.
You wants to get in,|you gots to make a donation.
Trust me, it is|off the hook in there.
Off the what?|I live here.
I don't care|if you're Halle Berry, man.
No donation, no entry.
How 'bout|if I call the police?
Have a nice time.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, baby, show me.
Hey! What the hell|is going on here?
Oh, yo, P., it's cool.
See, I hit up my homegirl
'cause I had to get my hair|done, as we both know.
And then she called a friend.|They holler to other friends.
Before you know it,|we got us a house par-ty.
I want everyone|out of here now!
People!
People!
Loosen your panties, Grandma.
Look, you lock me out,|no money, no place to go.
I mean, a girl got to get|her cheese on.
- Seven.
This is insane!
My boss' sister lives|across the street.
I can't have all these peop...
Hey!
Give me a hard seven, baby.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
She doesn't even have|her driver's permit.
Dad.
Do not go...
Roll! Uh!
Come on.
Don't inhale.
All right, now. Go on|and toss them bones, lil' man.
Hey! Give me...
I'm on a roll, Dad.
- Get out.
I want you and your dogs|to go back to the pound now.
What?
Well, it was the dogs?
Because she said dogs,|and then I said dogs,
so I assumed|that would be okay.
Huh?
- Whoo!
Tsk.
Ohh.
Bye, Tamika.|Y'all be good, now.
Bye.
Hey, hey.|Y'all got to go.
- A'ight.|- That's a'ight.
Hey, baby, gonna go.
Oh, bye, Bear.|Thank you so much.
Party's over.|Okay. Thanks for coming.
But that's it. It's over.
If I see Widow around,|I'm gonna tell him you're out.
You know|he wants to know that.
I don't know about that.|I'll see you.
- Okay. Bye, baby.|- Bye-bye.
It's like this.
Hey.
- How you doin', neighbor?|- What's up?
What are you still doing here?
- What was all that, Dad?|- Dad, who's this?
This is no one.
Tsk! What's up, lil' Romeo?
My name is Charlene.|What's your name?
I'm Georgey.
You cannot meet|a nonexistent person.
Can Charlene come to the club?
Club? What club?
We're not going to a club,|remember?
We're going to Hawaii,|remember?
Okay, you know the routine.|Outski!
- Out! Let's go.|- Come on, man!
Sarah, get the door.|Come on. Out.
Out, out, out!
- Wait!|- What?
Give me my money, lil' boy.
That money should go|to charity!
Ohh!
What did...
Hey, I live here.
Yeah!
What?
Okay, you guys.
You know, you order hot dogs,|and you splash and frolic
and just put everything on|my account and just have fun.
Didn't you bring|your bathing suit?
Oh, no.|I'm having tea with a client.
But I will be right back.
Whatever you say.
Want to go swimming?
With you?
Forget you.
Ow!
How's it looking?
Well, I was up all night|proofing.
It's absolutely brilliant.
And you've got the cleanest|background check I've ever seen.
That background check|cost me a lot of fun in my life.
- I don't know, honey.
Don't say anything.|She could hear you.
What's crackin', ma?
I'm lookin'|for the Sanderson table.
We old college buddies.
O-O-Okay.|He's i-in the dining room.
L-I'll show you.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I tell you what...|I'll surprise him.
No, you're in great shape.|I'm gonna take off.
All right, you're right.|Nothing could go wrong.
I've done this a million times|with important clients,
so I'm fine.
- Shazam.|- What?
Oh, no.
Oh, swing it,|you cocoa goddess.
Cocoa Goddess? That's the rude|shock I was telling you about.
That's Charlene?
Did she see me?
Okay, okay, okay, police.
Uh, no.|Won't get here fast enough.
Uh, security.
No, she could probably|take him.
Uh, money.
She'll take money.
Hi, hi. Here, just...|Here's whatever.
And there's more where that came|from if you just leave now.
No. Unh-unh, boyfriend.|We got business.
Boyfriend?
Oh, didn't I tell you?|We're dating now.
It's some kind of street talk.
It's street for|"I'm not going nowhere
until you help my problem|go away."
Look, Mrs. Arness,|a very important client,
is due here any minute.
Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.|Mr. Sanderson?
Oh, yes.|He's in the dining room.
Thank you.
Charlene, how 'bout you and I
havin' a smart cocktail|down by the pool?
Who is this fool?
That's a good idea.|Just put it on my bill.
I don't want no smart cocktail.|I need your help.
Miss.
Another martini.
Oh, hell, no.|I know she ain't talkin' to me.
Ashley,|she doesn't work here.
If she isn't here to work,|then what is she here for?
Oh, hells no, Miss Thing.|You best pump your brakes.
She's my ex-wife's sister.
I would have killed her|myself years ago.
It's Mrs. Arness!
Mmm. Old Iron Ass|be lookin' mean.
Yes. You have to go.
You like raw oysters,|Charlene?
Yeah. I guess|I can hang out for a bit.
They got any hot wings|around here?
All right.|Whatever you want. Yes.
- You give me a place to stay?|- Yes.
- And you work on my case?|- Around the clock.
I'll leave|when you expunge my record.
Consider it expunged.
All right.|I'd like a key, please.
Mr. Sanderson?
Mrs. Arness.
Who is your associate?
This is Howie Rottman,|the attorney I told you about.
A great pleasure|to meet you, Mrs. Arness.
I meant her.
Oh.
Her?
Her?
Her is... her...
She is our... our nanny.
Dad, I'm bored.
Kids, how good to see you.
Don't we just love|our nanny, Charlene?
Uh... um...
Y-yeah.
Don't you just love being|our nanny, Charlene?
Yessir.
Now I'm gonna go on down|to the pool with the child'n.
Maybe we make fun of the white|folks again, huh, kids?
Ooh-hoo!
Oh, the kids just love her.
- What a sense of humor.|- Yeah.
Peter, I'm going to hang|by the pool.
If you need me,|that's where I'll be.
Mrs. Arness.
Uh, right this way,|Mrs. Arness.
Come, William.
You have the papers?
Oh, yes, yes, I do.
Strange clothes for a nanny.
Well, it's a fashion to kids.
- Ow!|- William, mind.
Hello, Sanderson family!
Georgey,|don't forget poker night!
I won't.
How could I forget|poker night?
I propose a toast.
Okay.
To us.
May we always...
- Sorry. It's mine.
Oh, you're not gonna|answer that, are you?
Well, it might be...|might be one of my kids.
Just one minute.
Sorry.
Hello?
Hey, it's me.
Oh, hi, Ashley.|Everything okay?
I don't know.
I saw Peter hanging out|at the club today.
He was mingling with|a large black woman.
What? What are you|talking about?
He said it was his nanny.
She didn't look like any nanny|I'd ever seen.
She was all...|tattooed and welfarish.
- It was...
Oh, is that funny to you?|Is that funny?
Am I funny to you?
No, no.|That's not funny.
Were you laughing at me?
Oh, I wasn't...
Stop. Get away.
No, I wasn't|laughing at you.
Just... hang on.
Um, you know, look,|I know Peter. I know him.
He's not gonna spend all his|time taking care of the kids.
He went and hired somebody!
Seriously, Kate!|This woman was no nanny.
You need to do something.
I saw this woman.|I was there.
Shouldn't you at least|be looking at references?
Thank you. Thank you.
Listen, Peter is nothing|if not responsible.
It's not like he's gonna|hire a convicted felon.
Oh, I wouldn't be too sure|about that.
Ohh!
Let's see... we got resisting|arrest, assaulting an officer,
repeated attempts|at eye-gouging,
and... scrotum crushing.
Well, I was a little riled up,|being framed and all.
And your clothes and I.D.|Were found at the scene.
All plants.|I never robbed nobody!
Okay.
I know my rights.|I get an appeal.
I get an appeal!
You only get an appeal if you|were convicted and incarcerated.
You were released.
Look, why don't you just|start over?
Go back to school and get|at least a passing familiarity
- With the English language.
It's no end|to what you can accomplish
with a little commitment.
My daughter Sarah|is fully committed,
and she's going places.
Oh, she's goin' places,|all right.
HOWIE: So, it's a charitable|remainder trust.
That way, the old tightwad gets|a huge deduction every year.
Uh, no more calls, Sofia.
It's not a call.|There's someone here...
Girl, get out!
I do not know who you are...
Send her in.
Bet you know me now, huh?
This couldn't wait|until tonight?
Well, well, well!
Come in, have a seat,|spend some time.
Thanks, homeboy,|and, no, it can't wait.
You gotta check this out.
- What is it?|- I found the deposition.
The prosecution interviewed|an eyewitness,
and she told them|that the perpetrator
didn't have a tattoo|on the chest.
They never told my lawyer|about this shit.
That's withholding exculp...
Exculpatory evidence.|People vs. Stanley, I know.
How do you know that?
Why wouldn't she know that?|She's got it goin' on.
Damn, Pete, all I did in there|was read law books.
And with comprehension.
Made you think I was a lawyer.
I mean, you obviously have|pockets of intelligence.
So, why do you walk and talk|and act the way you do?
Because it's sexy.
It ain't actin'!
This is who I am.
I mean, you think|I can't talk like you?
Oh, Peter,
I absolutely love what|you've done with the place!
It's so sterile, so...|so bland, so wonderful!
See? You can do it.
Oh, you like that, huh?
Well, you can kiss|my natural black ass,
because I don't need|your approval.
No, she don't need|your approval.
Hey, you don't think|I compromise the way I act?
You think I like walking around|like an uptight... honky?
Yes. I know your lingo.
Peter, Mr. Tobias|is coming to see you.
Oh, God.
Well, this should be|interesting.
Uh-oh. What we gotta do,|play "hide the sister"?
Or do I gotta do|that slave thing again?
Just... just act natural.
- Let's get her out of here.|- Why don't we get her out?
Um, um, um, um, um...
Peter... Howie.
Ed.
Who is this?
- Uh, this is the...|- Well, we were just having...
Well, Mr. Sanderson,|I can see you are very busy.
That's why I really|appreciate you
offering your services|free of charge.
Oh, I... well,|I just... gosh.
- Peter...
She is...
Well, see,|Mr. Sanderson here,
being the heavenly man|that he is...
God bless you!
Oh, you got that anointing|on you...
...has offered to do the taxes|for the Compton Evangelistic
Episcopal Baptist church|of South Central.
You know,|just anything to help
Reverend Shack... tillfont.
Just call him Shack.
Shack.
Well, I'll let you guys go.
I'll see you at choir rehearsal|on Thursday.
7:00, now!
I'll escort|Mrs. Shacktill... font
to the elevator.
Gentlemen.
Uh, Peter,|we're really in a crunch.
I just got word that another|firm's in the running
for the R&S account.
We need to close this deal.
Look...
I have no problem being|Peter's wingman on this one.
Oh, well, thanks anyway, but I|really have it under control,
so, you don't have to worry|about a thing, Ed.
Good. Then I'll expect you|to wrap it up in a day or two.
- That's the plan, certainly.
Well.
Could you...
- Sure.|- Thank you.
Thank you.
She can't tee up her own ball?
I've been playing this game|for many years...
That's what it feels like.
...and it's all about|patience.
PETER:|Well, you beat me by 19.
MRS. ARNESS:|Uh, let's make it 20.
All right.
Mrs. Arness, I was wondering
if you'd like to come over|to my house on Thursday
and possibly|look over the contract.
I'll have to check with|my secretary, Julia.
Mrs. Arness, would you|excuse me for a minute?
I just have to|check on my children.
Oh, of course.|You do that.
I'd like to dip you|in Cheez Whiz
and spread you over|a Ritz Cracker,
if I'm not being too subtle.
Boy, you are|some kind of freaky.
Oh, you have no idea.
You got me|straight trippin', boo.
Hey, hey, hey!|Hey, what are you doing here?
What does it look like?|I'm on a date.
On a date.
She's on a date?|She's a felon.
- I am not a felon.|- Hey, what is she doing here?
Get used to it, Twiggy.
You're gonna be seeing|a lot more of me around here.
Not without a broom|in your hand.
If I have, it's 'cause I'm here|to sweep up the white trash.
Save it for the YMCA, Jemima.
Bitch! I'm gonna kick|the bulimia out of your ass!
Have you ever had|a tempered moment?
Why don't you go back to the|vodka bottle you crawled out of?
Mrs. Arness is here.
I am sheltering you.|I'm helping you.
Remember, I helped you...
All right!|I'll let it ride.
Thank you for letting it ride.|That is wise and mature.
Now, just get her walking|that way.
Let me show you the place,|Charlene.
Looking good, Lois!
Hey, freak boy...
I'm gonna make myself a little|more luscious for you, okay?
I'll be right back.
Okay, precious.
What are you doin' in here?
I told you you was gonna be|seein' more of me, right?
Look, I came here to warn you.
You keep disrespecting me,
and it's gonna get rough|around here.
Back off, Shaniqua.
You don't scare me.
You know what? That's it.
You must need a little more|eye shadow, right? Come on!
You've messed with|the wrong W.A.S.P., bitch.
Compliments of Tae-Bo,
two hours a day,|five days a week.
Compliments of the 'hood,|24 hours a day, all my life.
You know, for a skinny white ho,|you're pretty tough.
And I don't ever want to have|this conversation again!
"The girl had dou..."
"...ble..."
"...double D-cups."
There you go. You got it,|lil' man.
"I put my mouth|on her nip..."
"...ples."
What is that?
What are you doing|letting him read th...
He read. You read.
Georgey, you read.
I'm gonna kill you!
I am so proud of you.
I'm turning you in!
Pfft.|I found it in your drawer.
Well, I am a grown man|of 54... 41... 49 years old,
and he's 8, and what I read|in the privacy of my...
How'd you do it?
Oh, God,|I'm never gonna get this done.
Look,|the boy don't look carefully
at the details in a word,
so most of the time,|he's just guessin'.
What you got to do|is just slow it down
and give him somethin'|stimulatin' to read.
Dad?
What's a rack?
It's a country.
Well...
I was just doin' it|'cause he was botherin' me.
Well, either way...
Can you get rid of this?
Just put it back in my room,
'cause I'll get rid of it,|'cause I have a special...
Well, Mrs. Kline,|how wonderful to see you.
Come in!
It's girls poker night|at the house.
Where's my little dealer?
Well, just wait right here,|and I will just go get him.
Georgey, Mrs. Kline is here!
Hi, Mrs. Kline.
Come on, Georgey!
Tonight, I'm gonna|teach you to bluff.
And I think we need to|comb your hair differently.
You look like a fag.
- I'm not a fag!|- I didn't say you were.
- Hello.|- Hi. How are you?
Oh, good evening, sir.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dad, I don't want you|to freak out, okay?
Why would I freak out?
Well...
Dad, this is Aaron.
Hi.
- Hello.|- How do you do, sir?
L-l-I'm so glad|to actually meet you.
L-l-I told Sarah|that it was very important
that you feel comfortable|with me
taking her to|my parents' for dinner.
So, this is a date?
Oh, um, I'll have her home|by 11:00 at the latest, sir?
I guess that'd be all right.
All right. Did it work?
Yeah,|like a charm, my friend.
All right. Let's party.
Hey, watch the seats.
- All right...|- Oh, shut up.
No, I'm serious.|It's leather.
Hmm.
Well, look at you,|all growed up.
There's nothing to eat|in the house.
Yeah.|You comin' to a point?
Well, I'm hungry.|Are you?
You askin' me out?
Well, no, I'm not.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
Oh, look at the legs|on this wine.
I'm telling you,|this place is bangin'.
Don't you just mean,|"This is nice"?
Why the word "bangin"'|make you so uptight?
You're smart... if you'd just|deign to speak English
with what you learned|on the Internet and in prison,
you could be|a paralegal tomorrow.
Like they gonna be beatin' down|my door to let me in school.
You're exactly|the kind of person they want.
Well, why would I want|to do that, anyway?
I've been to your office.
Everybody's all uptight,|overworked,
tired, stressed-out,|don't see their family.
"Ooh, Ed is comin'."|"Ooh, Tobias."
I get a wedgie|just walking in your office.
Hey, it's what people do.|They work.
Look, all I'm sayin' is|I did the confinement thing
for four years.
If you're so concerned|with my future,
just help me clear my name.
I got it from there.
I got my own dreams,|my own goals.
- Hey, give it to me.
Hey!|What'd you do that for?!
- 'Cause you work too much.|- This is my phone!
That's probably why your wife|left your sorry ass.
Okay, Oprah, if you're so good|at relationships,
how come you don't|have a boyfriend?
I had one.
It's just I haven't seen|or heard from him
since I went in|four years ago.
Were you in love with him?
Come on, let's go dance.
Ha ha ha ha... no.
Come on. When is|the last time you danced?
At my wedding.
Don't worry, I can dance.|It's just that I don't wanna.
Come on, smooth. Show me|what you're workin' with.
I can dance.|I just don't want to dance.
Man, you can't dance.
- Well, I got moves.|- Let me see.
All right, all right.
Okay, one last|little drink here.
What, you got to pee?
This was big in high school.
Man, look, you can't dance|from your brain.
You gotta feel it.|Now, come on.
Show me how|you made them kids.
- What the hell...|- How's this?
That's great for an epileptic.|Come on, now.
You gotta move your pelvis|with it.
More hips.|There you go.
Get smooth with it.
Well, I'm sorry.|I can't help it. I miss him.
Oh, snap out of it, already.
I'm snapped. I'm snappy.
Oh, God, Ash.
I still can't believe|you were hit by a car.
Did you call a lawyer?
Oh, I can't talk to a lawyer.|I was jaywalking.
So, can we just stop...
- What?|- Oh, my God.
What?
Look at that!
Oh, my God, it's true.|Look at that! Look at that!
He never danced like that|with me.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
No! Sit!
Why?
I can't tell you.
If I talk about it,
gangster people will come|to my house and cut me.
Oh.
Oh, he almost looks|like a fun person.
Must've been me.
Was it me?
No. Stop beating yourself up.|It's him.
Can we just|get out of here? Now?
You know what they say...
once you go black,|you never go back.
Can we get the check, please?
And that's why|I worked so hard,
so I could give Kate a good|life, then it backfired!
Man, bitches don't care|nothin' about that shit.
Oh, bitches do too care.
I'm gonna|tell you a secret...
sometimes I drive by our old|house, and I just look at it,
and I just remember our life,|and it just hurts!
Man, that is so pathetic,|P. Diddy.
But you know what?|I'm gonna help you get her back.
How?
Well, first,|we gotta create a mood.
Just like at|the restaurant, baby.
I'm already there.
Yeah.|Now, feel the Barry.
Feel Barry White.|Talk like Barry.
- Okay, that's Barry.|- Yeah.
This is Kate.
Hey, Kate. Yeah.
I want you to talk nasty|to her!
Talk nasty!
I'd like to kiss you a lot.
Cut that sensitive shit,|Nancy Boy!
What?
- You gotta be a beast!|- A beast!
Yeah!
In the bedroom,|a woman wants a man
that knows how to ride her|when she bucks.
Ride 'em when she bucks!|Ride 'em!
It's just... I can't.|It's a sculpture. I just can't.
All right, okay.
Use me, then.
Damn it, grab these.
- What?!|- Grab 'em!
Oh, I get it, yeah.
- Hey, Kate.|- Uh-huh.
Yeah, you've been waitin'|for this for a while, huh?
That's right. Now,|what you gonna do to her?
I'll tell you|what I'm gonna do!
I'm gonna give you|an aromatherapy massage
with incense!
No! Come on, now!
Wimps give|aromatherapy massages!
Tell her again!
All right!
I'm gonna have...
sexual intercourse, baby!
No, you... you a beast!|You need some of these.
- Yeah.|- Cojones grande!
Yeah! I'm gonna put 'em|in my pants!
- Get in there, boys!|- Now, grab 'em!
- Grab 'em. Yeah, hey, baby!|- Grab 'em!
Now, what you gonna do?|What you gonna do?!
Yeah, Mama! You gonna be|my tawdry little woman?
Damn right!|Now get to humpin'!
- Ya-hoo!|- Whoa!
- How 'bout that, huh?!|- Yeah!
How would you like me|to pounce on you
- like a lion from above?|- I like it! I like it!
- Yo!|- That's what I'm talkin'!
You ain't just|no king of the jungle,
you own that jungle!
That's your pride!
You own that jungle,|and ain't no one
gonna come around|and mess with your pride!
That's right!|I like that.
Yeah! You ain't ready|for that shit! Come on, now!
Be a beast! What you gonna do|when she starts ridin', huh?
Take care of her!|That's what I'm gonna do!
- Uh-huh! Uh-huh!|- You're mine, Kate!
- Ride that lighting rod!|- You don't need these no more.
You got your own!|You found your balls!
Yeah, I don't need those balls!|I got my own balls!
Mandingo!
What goes on in your personal|life is none of our business,
but if it begins|to affect the firm,
we need to call attention|to it.
Guys, we were moving a statue,
and we lost our footing,|and we fell.
My sister's|under the impression
that you were|humping your nanny.
I was not humping my nanny!
Peter, surely you understand|that if Mrs. Arness
were to suspect any instability|on your part...
There is no instability|in my home.
WIDOW: You sure|you can trust this guy?
Well, hey,|he's helping me reopen my case.
Y'all got any leads?
Well, a still from|the bank surveillance camera
is on its way here,
and we found a deposition|that could help.
Well, that's cool, baby.
If there's anything|I can do to help,
anything...|you just holler.
I gotta run.
Hey, Widow, if you meant|what you just said,
it's not gonna be an easy job.
WIDOW: I know it ain't.
I just gotta know|that if things get rough,
you're not gonna run out|on me.
WIDOW: I've been waitin'|four years for this.
I ain't gonna mess up.
Mmm.
Ooh!
Planning another heist?
No.|Why would you say that?
I don't know.
Maybe it was hearing|the words "job" and "hot"
bandied between|two tattooed people?
That was just my old boyfriend|I told you about... Widow.
He's just tryin'|to get back with me.
Mm-hmm.
I'm tellin' you the truth!
Look, I just didn't|want you to see him,
because Widow, he ain't been|the best boyfriend,
and I knew|he'd be all over me.
Now you suddenly care|what I think?
No.
Maybe.
A little bit.
No more late visits?
Word.
Convicted felon's honor?
Innocent convicted felon's|honor.
Now, give me some dap,|right there on the edge.
Right there, and then|come up here like that.
- Pow, like that.
Hello?
SARAH: Dad!
Hey, sweetie.
Is Charlene there?
Yeah, she's here.|Do you want to talk to her?
- You okay?|- Yeah, I'm...
All right.
- Sarah? Okay.|- Girl talk.
What up, dog?
I need you to come pick me up.|I can't talk about it right now.
Where you at?
I'm on the corner|of Venice and Canal,
and there's a whole lot|of people out front.
- Please don't tell my dad!|- All right.
No, just calm down.|I'm comin' to get you.
I'm sorry.|I didn't know who else to call.
It's cool.|What's goin' on?
Hey, Sarah, what have|you been up to? Hee hee!
Is that your boyfriend?
No, he's not my boyfriend.
I liked his friend, Mike,
and we hung out a few times,|and he was always really nice,
but then... all he wanted to|do tonight was have sex,
I mean, he moved in|kind of rough, and...
He got rough with you?|Where he at?
He went back there|with that group.
Go wait downstairs.
Yo, Mike!
Please, don't kill me!
Oh, God!
What are you? Crazy?!
Pull me up!|What do you want?!
Sarah!
Mike has somethin'|to say to you.
Say "sorry"!
L-I'm sorry! I'm sorry!|God, I am sorry!
Say "No means no."
No means no!
She was where?!
Calm down. It's just...
- She is 14!|- She's 15! Wait!
G... well... oh!
Look...
Sarah don't need a warden.
She needs her father...|you...
so you can't get mad,|all right?
You do it, she'll never|tell you anything again.
All right.|I get it. I get it.
Just be cool. Just play it cool,|you know what I mean?
Just listen to her.|Let her do the talkin'.
I am listening to you!
Thank you.
Don't trip.
Don't trip.
So...
you went out with a boy...
and he took you to a party,
where kids were... drinking
and "trippin' on E."...
and then he took you|up to a room
where he tried to...
"get all up in that..."
which he... didn't?
And then Charlene came...
in my new car...|and brought you home
after first...|"bitchslapping" him.
Well...
...that was some night.
Oh, Dad!
I can't believe|you're not killing me!
Oh! This is so great! I want|everything out in the open!
Oh, I have so much more|to tell you!
Kate, what are you doing here?
W-What are you doing here?
It's my shortcut home|from work.
No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.|- Is not.
I thought you were|in the mountains.
Well, yeah,|l-I came back early.
There were bears that were|mauling the campers
and eating them.
Wow.
But other than that...|nothing went wrong with your...
Oh, no, no.|He's great.
Yeah, I liked him.
So, how's your...
My what?
Your life?
Anything hip and new?
No.
I'm having a good time|with the kids.
Good. Glad you're having|fun with her.
Them.
What?
You look, um...
Yeah.
Rested.
Nice. You look nice.
So, um, I guess I'll come by|later and pick up the kids.
Oh, I was wondering if I could|keep them through Friday.
Really?|You're not too busy?
No.
Well, yes, it's okay.
It's wonderful, Peter.
You know, if you wanted|to come ov...
- Go ahead.
Sorry.
- Hello?
Yo, get your butt home, dog.
I will be home in my own|sweet time, girlfriend.
You gotta come now. Arness said|she on her way over here.
Oh, I forgot all about that.
Oh, I'm sorry.|L-l-I have to go.
I just forgot|about something,
but I want to continue|this conversation,
so I will call you, or you can|call me on my cell.
Bye!
- Is she here yet?|- No!
The place is a mess!
- We gotta clean this place up!
Hey, get upstairs|and get ready!
And what are you reading?!
Get up there!|Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hey, yo, P.,|while we got this minute...
there's somethin' I really|been meanin' to tell you...
Well, you'll have to wait.
Kids! She's here!
Mrs. Arness?
Oh!
I'll get right to the point,|Mr. Sanderson.
There are rumors circulating
that your personal life|and your home are in disarray,
and this makes me feel|very unsettled.
I don't know who misinformed|you, but please, come in.
I'd hate to think you're|under any misapprehension
about me or my family.
Sarah? Georgey?
You remember Mrs. Arness?
So lovely to see you again.
Um, Father,|when you have a moment,
would you mind helping me with|my report on Queen Victoria?
Sure, kitten.
And don't forget, Pop, tomorrow|you have to come to school
and help hand out the food|to the poor kids.
Have I ever forgotten|to help the poor kids?
No, Pop. Never.
In truth, Mr. Sanderson,|you have a lovely home.
Thank you.
And your children|are very well-behaved.
- They're angels.
- Oh, William.
Oh, look!
He's even taken a fancy|to your boy.
That's so sweet.
Anyway, we can go to the den|and get the contracts...
What is that heavenly smell?
Ah, that would be|Charlene preparing dinner.
Anyway, the contracts...
I haven't smelled home cooking|like that since I was a child.
Really? Anyway...
Brings back|such happy memories.
Does it? Anyway, actually,|the den is closer...
Your table looks so inviting.
Yes. It's too bad|it's so small.
Small?
Well, actually,|it's big, isn't it?
It's a big table, so...
there would be room|for one more.
Oh, well, if it's not|an imposition...
Oh... oh.
Well, let me just go check|if there's enough food.
I'm not... I'm not sure,
because, uh, actually,|this is the night of, uh,
Yiminum, the, uh...|the holiday where
white people eat|very little portions
because that was the night|the Lord came down,
and he was given food,
and there was just too much,|and he said, "No."
And so, he had|a smaller portion,
and that's why we might not|have enough.
So, I'll just go check on, uh,|what the Lord would say.
Just one second.
SARAH: Come here, William.
Hey, come here.|Are you hungry?
Charlene...
If there was ever a time|I needed a favor, it's now.
You got it, baby.|Anything.
Oh, thank you!
Oh. Mrs. Arness?
Yes? Oh, yes.
My family and I are pleased|to invite you for dinner.
Yeah, oh.
Well, very well.|I wasn't expecting this.
Uh, but if you insist.
And then afterwards,|we can sign the contracts.
Of course.
Dinner is served.
I was raised|in the South, you know.
That smells just like|our Ivy's jambalaya.
She was so wonderful.
We paid her nothing,|of course, you know.
But, then, people had standards|of service in those days.
And, of course, Ivy did know
that you serve from the left|and collect from the right.
Don't...
stop at that story, because|I love hearing about your past.
That is fascinating.
Oh, yes.
Well, anyway,|as I was saying...
Yeah. Fast-actin'.
Fast-actin'.
Ooh, I'm gonna get you.
I'm gonna get you.
Uh-huh.|I'll serve your food right.
Was it the left?|Was it the right?
Father's work with the|Pasadena Republican Youth Group
has truly been invaluable.
I hope y'all brought|y'all appetites.
Oh, yes.
I brought mine.
Oh, my goodness.
This is much too much for me.
I'll never get through|all that.
I have a little less here.|I'll trade with you.
Thank you.
What, Charlene?
Nothing, sir.
Oh, this food|is so delicious.
Serves him right, anyway,
makin' me wear|this stinkin' outfit.
You're very lucky to have found|such talented help.
Well, our Ivy was with us|for so long,
we really thought of her|as one of the family.
And after every meal,
my mother would scrape|all the food we hadn't eaten
and put it on one big plate|and give it to Ivy.
Charlene...
what is that|particular taste?
It's familiar, yet...
Is it some kind of herb|like sage?
No, it's sort of more|like a milk of mint.
Milk of... whatever it is,|the taste is explosive.
Well, good, then.
Enjoy.
Oh, just one moment.
Uh, you know, uh,
there's a lovely,|sad Negro spiritual...
...that Ivy's brother used...
Are you all right?
Anyway, Ivy's brother|used to sing this
when he came in|from the tobacco fields.
Now, there's a second verse
if you'd like to join|in the chorus.
That's an unusual feeling.
- Dad?
Are you okay?
I hope your father's|all right.
Does this happen often?
Well, If you'll excuse us.
Georgey, let's go watch that|biography on Francis Drake.
We... I mean,
he seemed to be|so moved by that song.
Oh, he movin', all right.
- And tonight's top story...|- William?
The FBI needs your help
in finding fugitive at large|Charlene Morton.
Charlene is an African-American|female, 31 years of age...
What is it?
...and 5'6", 175 pounds,
with a tattoo|on her left breast.
Convicted of armed robbery,
Charlene is considered|cunning and highly dangerous.
Having escaped from the Women's|Correctional Facility
outside Los Angeles|a mere six days ago,
Morton is suspected|to be armed.
This bank surveillance tape|shows Charlene wielding a gun
and holding a customer hostage.
Charlene is considered dangerous|and may be armed.
If you have any information|concerning Charlene Morton,
please contact|your local FBI office.
That's it for tonight's edition|of "Criminals at Large."
Good night and be safe.
PETER: Mrs. Arness,|I can explain everything.
Pete, before you lose it,|just let me explain.
There's nothing to say.
But I didn't do it, Pete.
You have to get out.
All right.|I'll get my stuff.
I don't understand.|You saw her and where is she?
I don't know where she is.
Don't drop the soap.
What the hell does that mean?
I just don't believe this.|I'm worried about her.
I hate the fact that|she's out there all alone.
You're worried about the poor,|innocent, frail creature
who can hardly take care|of herself on the street?
What about me?|Tobias is gonna fire me!
And another goody...
if Arness calls the cops,|I could go to jail!
Here's the local number|for the Bureau.
The FBI takes harboring|a fugitive very seriously.
You, gentlemen, will be|the first to hear from me.
Arness didn't call the cops,|she called the FBI.
- Now, you haven't seen me.|- I have seen you.
No, I mean,|you haven't seen me.
I'm looking right at you.|What are you...
If you do hear from her,
please tell her the cool points|are out the window and...
she's got me all twisted up|in the game.
Why you messin' with Lene?
I'm not messing with her,|I'm helping her.
Bullshit!
Uh! I'm telling you|the truth!
Listen up.|You do not reopen this case.
From now on,|I'm handlin' it for her.
I'm not gonna reopen the case.|The case is closed.
Stay out of her life.
If I got to come back here,|things are gonna get bloody.
Maybe I should|just finish this now.
We have to find Charlene.
I thought you hated Charlene.
I found out she's innocent.
I knew it. I knew it.
Where am I gonna find her?
Well, you can call her.
How can I call her|if I don't know where she is?
I gave her your phone,|in case you might...
You gave her my new|$600 titanium cellphone?
Good idea. Come on.
W-What happened to your head?
Metropolitan Museum of Art.|How may I help you?
I know who set you up.
What?! Who?
Get in.
So, what's up?
The guy points a gun to my head
and tells me|not to reopen the case.
I'm thinking,|"Why is he doing this?"
And then it dawns on me...|it's because he was involved.
God damn him.
I can't believe|Widow did this to me.
Where do you think he is?
I don't know.
Probably downtown|at this club he hang out at
called the Down Low.
Got to get a confession.
You can't go there.
Eh, man, I'm serious.
A white man at the Down Low
is either a cop, a corpse,|or a crackhead.
You can't even talk 'hood.
I'll figure out something.
Oh, and Howie told me|to tell you
that "The cool points|are out the window,
and you got him|all twisted up in the game."
Really?
That's the nicest thing|anybody's ever said to me.
I'm gonna drop you off here
because I got to get to the|office for a conference call.
So, I'll see you|in a little bit.
All right. Okay, cool.
Yeah, freak boy,|I need a ride.
Can you come now?
Damn.|A straight, cold pimp.
Looks like Gendler|beat us to her.
I can assure you, Mrs. Arness,
Peter Sanderson|is no longer affiliated
with Tobias, Kline, and Barnes.
Good.
You have great ankles.
What?!
Were you a dancer?
Yeah... well, yes.|I was.
I bet you had great presence.
Oh. How you two doin'?
I hope I'm not interruptin'|anything.
You're nasty.
W-What are you doing here?
Please, Mrs. Arness, I'm not|here to cause any trouble.
Well, that would be a first.
Julia? Julia?
Julia a little tied up|right now.
I just need you|to hear me out.
Peter is not responsible|for any of this. I am.
I mean,|the guy is a great lawyer.
And he's one of the most|decent men I've ever known.
- I doubt that's saying much.|- Shut up, fool.
If only you knew the lengths|he's willing to go to
to help a friend.
Listen... sister...
"Sister"?
Why don't you go back|to Sanderson,
and the "Jungle Fever" thing|the two of you got goin' on,
before I call the cops?
That's it, pretty boy.
You ever met the big hurt?
The who?
I wouldn't do that|if I were you!
And why not?
You'll be instantly returned|to prison, where you belong.
All right. That's it.
- How dare you!
To hell|with what I just said.
You obviously|one of them hard learners.
Howie?
This is my house! I will not|be told to do what I...
William.
I'm Kate Sanderson.|Have you seen my kids?
- Over there.|- Oh!
Hey!
Oh, God!
What is going on?
It's just the FBI, Mom.
Yeah, they're just doing|a, like, search.
For what?
Well, for Charlene.|But she's not...
The FBI is looking|for your nanny?
Man, take your hands off me!
I said, back off me, punk!
That's what I mean.|You know what I'm sayin'?
You don't want|none of this, now.
Excuse me...
Homeboys...
Say, yo.|You got a bathroom in there?
Say, yo, what's the dealio?
Mmm. Who's your daddy?
Back that booty up|and put it on the glass.
Anybody here|dig what I'm sayin'?
So...
your nanny was doing time...
for armed robbery.
And then she broke out|of prison...
...and then she came here.
But she's innocent...
and now your dad|has gone off to...
help her.
SARAH: Sounds crazy, right?
He's not the same guy anymore.
Yeah, he's really cool.
Say, any of you homies|holdin' extra Jimmy High?
'Cause I'm all about crunchin'|some of that boofanny tonight.
If you harm one hair|on that dog's head...
Yeah, "Harm a hair on the head."|You got me all nervous.
- Hello?
- Sarah?|- Oh, hey, Charlene.
Put your daddy on the phone.
No, he's not here.|He went out to find you.
He went to find me?!
All right.
Howie, flip a "U."|We headed downtown.
Downtown's where I live,|precious.
- No! No!
What's on your mind, player?
What's with you? You been|drinkin' some "Hatorade"?
What's up, Flavor?|Where you from?
From the 'hood|and misunderstood.
- How's your pimp hand, dog?|- Strong, baby, strong.
Can you swerve, snowman?
Do I got "honky"|spray-painted on my forehead?
Of course I can.|I'm tryin' to peep a bowwow.
If you so at home, man,|then dance with the woman.
I can't. I got b'ness.
Go on out there|and get your groove on.
No, I can't. I got important|b'ness to take care of.
I tell you, but...
You'll get a life sentence|for this.
You're a kidnapper|and a whore!
Hey.|Keep talkin', tea bag.
Ooh?! Tea bag!
Yeah, you'll be gummin'|your bubbles.
Yeah, oh! Terrible.
Damn, boy, you lookin'|all kind of stupid.
Really?
'Cause I got this outfit|from your mama.
Yo, Eminem,|cut the wigger shit.
I don't think you know|how much trouble you in.
Fine, fine, fine.
I'm here to talk business...
private business.
What fresh air is this?
I don't see him anywhere.
I think he's in that back room|over there.
What do we do|with Her Majesty?
Sit down.
What?
Sit it on down.
Now, look, if you move,
your little Willy|gonna be bridged down.
- You dig?|- Dig.
All right. Come on.
Is that real?
Uh, Seven and Seven, double.
How you doin'?
What?!
I said, "How you doin'?"
Oh, fantastic.
You either the dumbest cracker|I ever met or you straight up...
Hold that thought.|I love this song.
Turn that off.
- Get everybody up out of here.
I'm telling you,|he is definitely in there.
Okay, all right,|so he's in there,
and then you go in,|and then what happens?
Three seconds.
- Why you here?
I got a feeling you're sitting|on a hefty sum of stolen cash.
You want to hide it,|you need a lawyer.
What's with the phone?
I'm calling in the cavalry.
You'll go back to prison.
So you wanna help me|launder my money?
I can hide it|in an untraceable account
in the Cayman Islands.
All I want is $100,000.
We both walk out of here|wealthier men.
And I tell you where|Charlene is... that simple.
You wearin' a wire?
Me?
No. Are you?
Then...|then they kidnapped me.
And they took my dog,|William.
That's a damn shame.
Oh, you don't care.
You smokin', Grandma?
Why not?
- To hell with your proposition.
Hold it. Charlene is ready|to roll over on you.
She knows|who your accomplice was.
- Oh, that's pretty funny.|- I'm not kidding.
They're out in the parking lot|waiting for my signal and...
and... and...|and the signal is...
if I don't come back,|they call the FBI.
There was no accomplice, fool.
There was a girl in the photo.
No, there was somebody|in a wig and a dress.
You...
You left her clothes,|the gun, and the money.
See?
You just too damn smart|for your own good.
Look, we can't wait no more.
Wait, wait. Charlene!
Open up.|Widow wanna see me.
Says who?
Says Lene.
Pete.
Well, ain't this|a psychic moment?
I was just comin' to see you.
Come on, Widow.|This is between me and you.
Let him go.
No problem.
Oh, shit.
What... come on, now.|What are you doin'?
Ugh!
I got it.
- Aim it, aim it, Howie!|- Yeah!
Uh-huh!|Who got the gun now, huh?
Who got that gun now?|Homie, that's right.
Get y'all asses|on the ground!
Asses on the ground|where I can see 'em, huh?
Take him out!
Ugh!
Pussies.
Ooh!
- Ugh!|- Ooh.
Ugh!
Wasn't that fun?
I'm just gonna roll up|on out of here.
Thank you.
- Aah!|- FBI!
Everybody, freeze!
Charlene! Charlene!|Oh, baby!
Oh, oh, baby.
Charlene.
Son of a...
Drop it!
Oh, Charlene.
What?
Damn, dog.
Hey, Howie, she's all right.
Charlene...
I...
Do me a favor, precious.
Don't ever scare me|like that again,
or I'm gonna have to give you|a nasty spanking,
if I'm not being too subtle.
He's such a damn freak.
Are you Sanderson?
Yeah.
Wait, wait.|She's innocent.
Save it.
I can prove it.
Mr. Sanderson...|that was pretty ballsy.
You'd make a hell of an agent.
Oh, thank you very much,|but I don't think I did anything
- an ordinary man wouldn't do...|- Thanks again.
Mr. Sanderson...
There you are.
You have behaved abonidably.
Aboni...
Abomidably.
- Abodi...|- Abominably.
I know.
- Shakespeare.|- Shakespeare.
No, wait.|This is serious.
And I'll have you dis...
disboweled.
Oh!
Uh, disballed.
Dis...
Disbarred?
Disbarred.
Oh, to hell with it.
I do believe I'm stoned.
Just don't tell anybody|you ever saw me like this.
Mrs. Arness...
William.
Oh, God,|you are an ugly dog...
and heavy.
Here, I got him.
Thank you.
Is there a 24-hour diner|around here?
I know where one is.|I'll take you there.
I'm dreadfully hungry.
You guys okay?
What do you think?
Yo, be cool, G-mo.
Yo, out back, G-mo.
Full cheesy, homey.
Well,|that's not good enough.
You'll just have to keep|trying, won't you?
I called Arness four times.|She'll only talk to Peter.
Well, we're just gonna|have to keep him around.
Oh, hey, guys.
Peter.
Did I mention|I'm going out on my own?
You don't have the resources.
Well, I have one|multibillion-dollar client.
It's a start.
And a partner.
I'm all over it, G.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Peter,|we can talk about this.
Ed, you can|kiss my natural black ass.
Peter...
Ashley,|who are you doing here?
Oh, I was, uh, meeting,|uh, uh...
- for my aunt's estate.|- About her aunt's estate.
There was a codicil.
Well, say goodbye|to half your stuff.
I'll call you.
Lookin' good, kids.|Almost there.
Peter, your 4:00 is waiting|for you in your office.
I don't have|any meetings today.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize|I had an appointment.
Hey.
So, this is how a big-time|tax attorney lives, huh?
This place is big pimpin',|P. Diddy.
- How you doin'?|- I'm a'ight.
I really wanted|to tell you again
how much I appreciate|what you did for me.
If I could only give you back|half of what you've given me.
Please. We'll call it even.|Now give me a hug.
Hey, white people don't hug.
You ain't white.
Well, I'm off-white.
Good to see you.
Kate...
Hi.
Um, oh, well, I'm, uh...
I got to finish up|some things with Howie.
Oh, Kate, this is Charlene.|Charlene, this is Kate.
Hi. You've certainly been|shaking things up around here.
Well, shakin'|is what I do best.
It's a pleasure|to meet you, Kate.
Thank you.
And take care of him for me.
Hi.
Hi.
So...
what...|what brings you down?
I mean, you know,|not what brings you down,
but, I mean,|what brings you down here?
Well, I was|just wondering, um...
how often do you take|that shortcut past my house?
Technically?
Uh, well...
uh, pretty much every day.
Well, you know,|technically...
That's stalking.
It's kind of cute.
Kate...
There's something|I want to say to you.
The cool points|are out the window,
and I'm all twisted up|in the game.
What does that mean?
It means I love you.
- Ohh!|- Ohh!
Rastaman, hold still,|or you're gonna have
these Jamaican beads|all over the floor.
Yeah, here we go.
All right, halfway done.
What you think?
Holler at your boy.
- Hey.|- Nothin' is nothin'.
Who's your daddy now?
Boy, you are some kind|of freaky.