Bro, What Happened? (2014) Movie Script
Boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Crazy boys such a crazy boy
Crazy boys, so crazy boys
Crazy boys, such a crazy
Stop and I said,
"stop, leave me alone"
"Cause I ain't got time
to put up with the tone
Too busy dreaming
I'm the best
So sorry, Mr. West,
but my video would have won
If it only did exist
Oh, man.
Where are my clothes?
Boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Why do we need clown pants?
This is about you like
everything nowadays
You took my heart
spread it thin like mayonnaise
A broken record still plays
But all I hear is static
You want to try again
Girl, you're so emphatic
So dramatic
The queen of the erratic,
breaking me down
So systematic I can't take
the pressure
I don't need the pain
It's time to say goodbye
Girl, you so insane
Boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Hey, little dude.
Hi.
I'm MF Bob.
I'd shake your hand,
let's hold the bacon.
Bob?
Yeah, mother fucking Bob.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, are you off of betting me?
No.
You want some bacon?
Have you seen
a cell phone anywhere?
Phil.
Bro, what happened last night?
Dude, I have no idea, man.
I can't remember... You
have an arrow right here.
Yeah, no shit.
I didn't notice.
That looks really bad.
Yeah, dude, I'm not as worried
about that as I am about these.
These were in my ass
last night, dude.
And I'm talking deep.
I mean, upside down
Grand Canyon deep.
Bro, what the fuck
are you wearing?
I couldn't find my clothes
anywhere or my phone.
I need that phone.
I got clothes for you, man.
You mean, you don't remember
how the fuck you got that on?
You got to get
that checked out.
You're right.
You know what?
I'm gonna do that
after I talk to my buddy Phil
in another fucking room.
Yes.
Let's go, man.
But who is Phil?
I made bacon.
You're MF Bob, aren't you?
Yeah, it's me.
Oh, fuck, bro.
I had such a great time
last night.
Party of the year,
straight up, man.
And MF Bob, I'm a fat man.
Who am I kidding?
I fucking love bacon, bro.
Give me that.
Oh, fuck.
Wait, man.
What time is it?
I don't know, dude.
It's like fucking
3 o'clock or something.
Oh, fuck that...
that was open.
3 o'clock, dude,
Beth's gonna be here
any fucking minute.
Fuck Beth right
in her butt, bro.
My virgin ass was
fucking tampered
with last night, dude,
and I didn't hear the burglar
alarm go off.
I called Jamie and Beef,
they're gonna be
here any minute
and we're gonna find out what the
fuck went down last night, dude.
I already checked all the websites
for party fucking evidence.
Nothing,
just titties, still cool.
Shit.
Dude, I didn't tell you
everything.
Okay, what?
When I woke up this morning...
I was in bed naked with Polly.
Oh, damn!
I told you
this would happen, dude.
I told you.
I know pussy.
I don't think
I slept with her, man.
All I remember is I was
sitting in my dorm room
and I just started
on my homework
when I got a incoming call
on my computer for Beth.
Hey, baby.
Hey, babe.
I really, really miss you.
Oh, babe.
You know, these long-distance
dealios just don't usually work out.
Oh.
Oh, come on, Beth.
You are the one who decided
to pack up and leave
and go to college
when you could have
very well just stayed here
and finished out
community college with me.
I know, babe.
But I've told you
I'm committed and... and...
Are you playing with yourself?
No, Beth, no.
Absolutely not.
You promised me
that you wouldn't play
with yourself.
What would Jesus do, Phil?
I mean, honestly
what would he do?
Open the door!
One second.
Dude, open the door.
Hold on.
I have to take a shit.
Hold on, okay, princess.
The cafeteria food
is destroying me, dude.
It's Dia de Los
Diarrhea out here.
Cal, go somewhere else, dude.
You know I can only
do in home base.
I don't play away games.
I need to send a package for
the Philippines right away.
Beth, just hold on, all right?
Just... I'll be right back.
Jesus!
Oh! Oh!
I'm sorry about that, babe.
Beth, Beth, listen.
Phil, come on.
There's something that I've been
wanting to ask you.
What?
I was gonna wait until
you came home from break.
Oh, shit.
For the warmth of
sweet baby mothers,
will you please close the door?
This one is for you, Beth.
Come on, Phil,
I really need to go.
Beth, Beth, just wait.
Just one second,
okay, all right?
Oh, it burns.
Beth, my sweet babe,
I know it's not much,
but I wanted to show you that I am
committed. Oh, wait one more fart.
Oh, my God, Phil.
Yes, yes, oh, my God!
Sweet baby Jesus, yes!
Really, babe?
Oh.
You know what?
I'm gonna come up, tomorrow.
I think that we should
celebrate together,
you know, the special way.
Okay, I got to go, baby.
Sweet dreams.
Oh, dude, call Guinness
Book and the Roto-Rooter, bro.
Holy crap, I need
a cigarette after that.
Oh, that burns.
And you just interrupted
the best video chat with Beth.
Oh, Beth sucks, bro.
Dude, just layoff, man.
She's my girlfriend.
I just proposed to her.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
Dude, we're going to the
biggest party tonight.
Get Beth out of your mind.
Where? I got us access to
the biggest party of the year.
I'm talking college kids, I'm
talking alumni together for one night.
I'm talking hookers, guns, fire
chops, clowns, MILFs, GILFs.
I'm talking about
a campus legend,
mother fucking
Bob's party, bro.
No way. Dude, how did you
get us into that?
Because I'm the fucking, man.
Please, please, please take us
to the party, Jamie, please.
I already told Phil
we're gonna go.
You know they don't
let freshman guys
and we're gonna
look like douches.
Please, Jamie-wan Kenobi,
you're our only hope.
Honestly, Cal, you think
I'm gonna
stroll into this party
with a string bean
and a fat farm animal?
Please, please, please,
please, please...
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Woo-hoo!
Under one condition and you're
not gonna like it. What? What?
You have to bring the bouncer
a gram of coke,
and mother fucking Bob
an eighth of weed.
I don't know
where to get weed, coke.
You're gonna go here,
bring cash and tell them
ping pong girl sent you.
Whatever you do, don't let him
talk about baseball to you.
Meet in the quad here at 7:00
with the stuff and then
we'll walk over there together.
It's far.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yes.
Woo-hoo, party time!
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Oh, my back.
Oh.
Just for you, hotties.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna die.
Hey, out there it's Friday or,
as I like to call it,
the real hot day.
All right.
Where is the fire, Jewfro?
Pat down.
Jeez man, it's nice
you don't have a girlfriend.
That sucks for you, bro.
What's going on down here? You
want to die by the time you're 30?
Eat your fiber.
Wait.
Where's your wiener?
You're one of them
lesbians, huh?
No wiener.
Turn around.
It just doesn't like you.
Hey, watch the mouth.
All right, you look
good back here.
Drop your pants.
What?
Time to search your asshole.
Oh, I don't think so, dude.
Is he good?
Yeah, he's good.
Follow me.
Sit down, be quiet
and don't speak
until you're spoken to.
What?
Very funny, Tom.
You are so...
Oh, you two may go.
We were so scared.
Thank you so much.
Get the fuck out!
Get the fuck out!
How dare you!
Oh.
I didn't get to hear about
Joseph Smith.
Oh, God.
What's that?
Oh, no, what is that?
You're a cop? I'm not a
cop. I'm not a cop. I'm Cal.
He's Cal, Tom.
His name is Cal.
Cal? I'm Mr. Tom.
Hi. This is my beautiful
wife Cherry Lu Rou
and this is my place.
I bought it,
so she'd stop dancing.
And behind you is monkey boy.
That's monkey boy.
We feed him cocaine
and bananas.
That's his diet, man.
I won him
in a very dangerous game,
Of Huila in Colombia
and he doesn't speak English.
I speak English.
See, look at that...
Ping pong girl sent me here.
Oh, ping pong girl.
We love ping pong girl.
We love ping pong girl.
Hal, are you my friend?
What?
He wants to know
if you're his friend.
Yes, I'm your friend,
Mr. Tom.
Good.
I love friends.
You want a drink?
You want to talk about
baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.
No, I just need
to get, um...
I just need to get
an eighth of coke
and a gram of weed
or an ounce of weed
or an eighth of coke... Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
I don't remember
what I need right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're freaking me out, man.
Are you getting nervous?
Hold on. I'm not nervous.
When you get nervous,
I get nervous and I don't like
to get nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Prove you're not a cop.
I'm not. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bring, bring, bring,
bring me the mirror.
Ow right here.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's do it.
We are going to do cocaine. Yeah.
Put it right here,
put it right here.
I don't think so. I don't think
so, I've never done it before.
Oh, fuck, I'm wearing
wearing flip flops.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Oh my God, please no,
please no, please no.
I really shouldn't do this.
I really don't feel
like I should do this.
I don't feel like...
You're gonna like it.
You're gonna do it.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna love it.
Do it, do it, do it.
I got to leave
right after this.
Oh!
You did it!
Oh, my God, you're my friend.
You're my friend.
My friend!
Bring the bouncer
a gram of coke,
and mother fucking Bob
an eighth of weed.
Guys, can I just get
my drugs just so I can...
I got to be somewhere.
Get him the drugs.
Get him the drugs.
Where do you have to be?
It's just a college party,
MF Bob's.
Oh! I'm going to MF Bob's house
tonight.
Party, there's a party there.
I'm meeting a client
there tonight.
Well, I want to go
to that party, Tom.
It's crazy.
He's like a...
Oh, drugs, here they are,
my friend.
Here you go.
That's $600, pal.
$600?
600 bucks?
I only have... I don't have
600 bucks. I only...
I didn't know drugs
were expensive.
Come on, give me the money.
I want to go to the party, Tom.
All right, come on.
I only have $100.
Are you kidding me?
He works for me.
He was over here, he make you
drugs and he came back.
I pay him for that.
Shit.
I said I want to go
to the party, Tom.
I want to go to the party.
I have an idea.
Give me the $100.
Give me this.
You keep that, all right?
Here, honey, you can have that.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna sit right there
and you're gonna
take her to the party,
but you're gonna
wait till she gets dressed.
Okay?
You happy?
Yes.
I love you.
Okay, good.
You watch her
and keep your eyes out
for a Mexican name Cheeba.
He's coming
in from Ridge Crest tonight.
I'm gonna meet him there later.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, good.
I'm gonna say something to you
and I want you to listen.
If anyone touches,
if anyone touches her,
I'm going to take clippers
and I am going to cut off
your testicles
and I'll feed them to you.
If she gets a splinter
- anything, you know what I'm gonna do?
I will cut your throat open
and then I'm going to pee
in your eyeballs. And then
I'm going to open your neck,
I am going to take a shit
inside your fucking neck
and I will fuck your neck.
I will shit rape
your fucking neck!
Do you understand that?
Yes, Mr. Tom.
Oh, sorry, God.
It's the cocaine, man.
I'm sorry. I was out
of my mind, that's all.
I meant it,
but it was out of line.
You're my friend.
I love this guy.
I love you, Cal.
You're my friend.
I can't believe
we're fucking babysitting
a drug dealer's wife.
I mean, haven't you seen, I don't
know, Scarface, Pulp Fiction?
This shit always ends badly.
Look at her, man.
Dude, these are movies, bro.
I'm talking about real life.
In real life Mr. Tom
is a fucking psycho, dude.
He's psychotic.
His name is probably
not Mr. Tom.
It's probably Keyser Soze.
You know, fuck it, we're
going to the party, fuck it.
Yeah, man, okay. As long as we stay
out of trouble and I promised Beth,
I'd stay out of trouble.
Dude, fuck that.
I can't believe you're nuts
are the size of freaking
beach balls of the baby battery
you got backed up in there.
You try saying that again.
I don't know
what that means, man,
but Beth
is my fiance, all right.
We're getting married.
Yeah, you're way too the fuck
young to get married, bro.
Like, way too fucking young.
Yo, what's up, shark stain?
Oh, my God.
Hi!
I've missed you so much.
Cherry, what are
you doing here?
Well, Jew-baka over here
was nice enough
to invite me to the party.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
We're actually just talking
about marriage.
Oh, my God. I think you guys
will make such a cute couple.
Like, I'm voting
yes on gay marriage,
so you faggots can like...
No. This dipshit
is getting engaged.
He hasn't farted
in front of his girlfriend yet.
Dude, what does that have
to do with anything, man?
You haven't farted
in front of your girlfriend.
You can't take
your relationship
to the next level, dude.
Yeah, I mean, like, Tom and I
are so close that only
has he farted in front of me,
like, I've seen him shit
down some guy's neck.
We should probably
get going, right?
Yeah, it's like a 20 minute
walk to the party, so...
20 minutes away?
Oh, my God, Cal, you can
sit down and rest on the way.
Come on, dude.
Let's go fuck this pig.
I'm like already tired.
Scribble dibble,
it's Meester live
from mother fucking Bob's.
We're looking for Jamie.
Oh, hey, Jamie, there she is.
Jamie!
Oh, I'll be right back.
Dude, are we Eskimo brothers?
Yeah, man.
Come on in, bro.
Good to see you.
Yo, lo...
Where the fuck you think
you guys are going?
Yo, we're with Jamie, bro.
Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?
She... she was right here.
Hey, man, you better
check yourself
before you biggety
wreck yourself.
What the fuck did you just say?
Nothing, dude,
I'm just kidding.
Damn straight, man, and I'm gonna
have to kick your fucking ass.
Do you have to?
Yeah, I have to.
Here's the thing.
If you let one fatty
freshman fuck with you
the shit's gonna
go on all year.
It's a matter of principle,
man.
Dude, I'm not really fat.
Yeah, and my dick
isn't 2 inches long.
Thanks God.
So you see, dude,
it's out of my hands, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, I didn't know
you were gonna be here.
Yeah, these two limp dicks
are my friends.
They're cool, right.
Shit, fellas, why didn't you
say you're with her?
I told you
we're with Jamie, bro.
Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?
Oh.
You two try not to get
your asses kicked.
Cherry, come with me.
Bye, boys.
But, Cherry, I need
to be watching you.
You got 1000 bucks to make me wait? No.
Then see you inside, suckers.
Yo, you two aren't
going anywhere.
No freshman, boys.
Hey, King Kong cock.
What about that girl?
Dude, the lady show
their titties, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hong Kong.
Dude, a clown?
Dude, it's a party.
Who doesn't like clowns?
Dude, the world's
most interesting man, really?
Dude,
that's the school principal.
Dean.
I don't give a shit
what his name is.
Whoa, step back.
Get the fuck back.
Dude, you let those guys in?
Dude, that's the
gay mafia, dude.
The gay fucking mafia.
Oh, you got that stuff?
Oh, damn, oh, dude,
I got something for you.
Yeah?
Te-tee.
Oh, shizites.
Well, I'll tell you
what, you're in,
but your boyfriend
stays outside.
What?
Come on, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, Eskimo brothers.
Oh, dude, you guys
had sex with Jamie?
Yeah, dude, that's makes
us Eskimo brothers.
You know, guys that had sex
with the same girl, dude.
Eskimo brothers are even
tighter than frat bros, man.
You're good.
Oh, Eskimo.
Get in, man, get in.
Oh, oh, oh.
Dude, dude, you didn't tell me
you had sex with Jamie.
Oh, I didn't, bro.
But you just told everyone
that you did.
Yeah, it's called
saving your ass.
Right, but no one's gonna
think that you actually
had sex with Jamie.
Oh, you mean,
people are gonna think
I've had more sex
than I've actually have.
But, dude, now these people
are gonna actually think
that you slept with
her and, you know,
she might find out and feel...
Dude, talk to me
after you've actually finger
banged a girl, right?
We're at the
best party of the year
and I've only got
two things to do.
One, take care of Cherry.
Two, make sure we get laid.
Oh, my God,
I see titties. Later.
Here, let me fill that for you.
What?
Unbelievable.
Um...
It's okay, I don't bite.
Hi, I'm Phil.
Loosen up, Phil.
Sorry.
Oh, God,
you probably think I'm...
A nervous freshman
who probably doesn't know
anybody here.
Yeah, actually.
Let me be the first
to officially welcome you
to the campus party scene.
Well, thank you.
You know, I...
I didn't really think
there'd be anyone
so cool to talk to.
Hey, do either one of you want
to buy a white elephant tusk
for really cheap?
Either one of you,
white elephant tusk.
No, nothing?
White elephant tusk.
Hey, would you maybe,
I don't know,
want to head into the kitchen
and talk for a little bit?
Bro, what are you still
doing here?
It's like boob fest
3000 out there
and I lost Cherry.
If I don't find her, I'm
gonna get shit on and raped.
Shit raped, man.
Dude, I'm kind of right
in the middle of talking
to Polly here.
Dude, I need you now.
Okay, 5 minutes,
in the kitchen?
I'll be waiting.
Dude, that was Polly
fucking Wallace.
I'm not saying that just
to emphasize a point.
Her nickname is fucking.
Polly fucking Wallace, bro.
You're getting laid tonight.
Well, what are you
talking about, man?
I'm not trying
to get laid here.
That's what you think, dude.
She's a sure thing. Watch.
Bro, dude,
I just have one question.
Who here
is in my Eskimo network?
Who's had sex
with Polly Wallace?
Yeah, I did.
Absolutely.
Dude,
even the Dean's rocked it.
You're getting laid.
Dude, seriously,
all we're doing is talking.
No way, bro, she's cock crazy.
She gonna get you drunk
and ride you like a rodeo,
brother.
Whoo!
Now we go to go find Cherry.
Uh, but before
that I am going to stick
my penis in that
nice little girl walking by.
Phil, Cal, what's up, guys?
Hey, what's up, Hensen?
Fuck off, Hensen.
We can't be seen with you here.
You're a funny guy.
See you later.
Dude, that was for the best.
Fucking Hensen is a loser, bro.
When chicks see him
they get dry.
Now come on, go fucking
drain your nuts.
Dude, for the last time,
I'm not gonna fuck Polly.
You need to fuck Polly Wallace.
Go do some talking
with your dick,
don't be a fag.
What did you say?
Yeah, what did you say?
Yeah, what did you say?
Uh, I was just talking
to my buddy Phil here,
ot you ga... guys.
You think it's okay to say fag?
You better not have been
talking to me.
Look, he didn't mean
anything by it.
What exactly did he mean?
Yeah, what did he mean?
It's just a term of endearment.
Like when black people
call each other the "N" word
And just what "N" word
would that be?
Oh, yes, say it.
I think he's saying
that they're gay.
Yes.
We're gay.
We're gay, gay, gay, gay.
You're gay, honey?
You don't look gay.
I've been gay since '98.
Yeah, trust me, he's gay.
He's, like... like
my girlfriend and I'm the,
you know, like, the
boyfriend. Tweet-tweet.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Then kiss him.
What? Well, yeah, kiss him, kiss him.
Yeah, do that.
What?
Fuck, no way.
Look, we... we don't do
that in public, you know.
I just had garlic, man.
Yeah.
Kiss him!
Kiss him!
Okay, yeah.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Works for me.
Oh!
I told you faggots,
you made a cute couple.
I love homosexuals.
Dude, that was
really scary, man.
You put your tongue
in my mouth, dude.
Dude, what the hell
was I supposed to do?
It was the gay mafia.
It had to look realistic.
You'll clean my life out.
Hey.
Hey.
I've been waiting for you.
You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
It's just I think
I pounded that last drink
a little bit too quickly.
I could really stand to get
something in me right now, actually.
Oh, my God. I would love to get
a little something in me, too.
You know what sounds
really, really good?
Um, what's that?
Bacon.
I love bacon.
After that everything
pretty much went black.
I mean, that's all
I really remember.
Yeah, that's mostly right,
but I remember it
more like this.
No, dude, I'm gonna
stop you right there
'cause that is not
how shit went down.
Fine. Dude, I remember
as much as you remember.
I mean, someone slipped
something in our drinks
or some shit.
Well, dude, we got
to figure it out, all right,
because Beth's gonna be
here any minute
and I need to know if I slept
with Polly or not.
We know what happened, dude.
You laid the lumber.
I don't think so, man.
I think I'd remember sex.
We got dosed, man.
I don't even know
where Cherry is.
I'm probably moments away
from getting shit raped
and murdered by Mr. Tom.
I just... I need to know
what happened last night
for sure.
Oh, I get it, dude.
You don't want to
give her the syphilo,
the syphilitis.
No.
Yo, Cal!
Yo, Eskimo.
Uh, yo.
Yo.
Hey, I heard you needed
some help, man.
I brought Georgia here.
She's got like
a pornographic memory.
Photographic memory
and there's no such thing.
See, pretty and smart, huh.
Yeah, she is hot.
Hey, have you guys seen a phone? No.
Jesus, what happened
to your shoulder?
Look, don't worry about
my shoulder, George.
Okay, here's the fucking scoop.
Phil, his girlfriend's coming.
He woke up naked with
no clothes in bed with Polly
fucking Wallace.
Dude, you need a shot.
How is your dick?
A little bit of itching,
a little burning?
Can I see it?
No.
No, ma'am.
I don't feel comfortable
discussing my penis
with someone I just met.
I told you, bro,
you don't need an expert.
You're already
scratch-a-thon.
Dude, I don't need to scratch.
It's just 'cause you keep
putting that in my head.
Let's just get back to
what happened, all right.
Do you have any idea?
Oh, man, I don't remember much
because I was pretty trashed,
but here's what I remember.
It was me at the door
and wall to wall bitches,
every single one of them.
I love you, Beef.
Well, a lot of ladies do.
Just go ahead and wait
inside and stand in line
with the rest of them.
I'd wait all night if I had to.
I'm sure you would.
You sexy beast.
Yo, you two can't come in.
Oh.
Sorry, these two ass
monkeys are with me.
Hey, who is that hottie?
Oh, thanks, handsome.
Bye, boys.
But I thought she was...
What?
You thought she was with you?
Well, you know, once,
like, a long time ago.
No, dude, it just means that
you're in my Eskimo network,
you know, two guys
that are banging
the same girl, man.
It's all good.
Yeah, dude.
Whoo!
Glenn.
Glenn.
He tastes like beef jerky.
I do.
Glenn.
What?
Wait, I love you.
I love you.
Okay.
Glenn, come here, man.
Hmm?
Bye.
Who's that?
I don't know who that was.
Oh, man. Well, dude, you
up for a game of assketball?
You know it, brosef.
Hells yeah. Hey, Derek. Yo.
Come watch the door,
man, I'll be back in ten.
Oh, yeah.
Pussy central.
You're cute.
And you're just the
right amount of drunk.
Hey, Glenn,
give those M&Ms, man.
Hey, I got this for you.
What?
Just drink it.
I bet Meester here
can chug the whole thing
in under 5 seconds.
Don't make me pay him.
Chug it, Beef.
Oh, wow.
Hope you got
that for your stupid movie.
I did.
Oh, my God.
You have such amazing eyes.
My tits are down here, asshole.
Mother...
Hey, babe, it's me.
So I got the wedding
colors picked out already.
I think I'm gonna pick lavender
and white because,
you know, those are
my favorite colors.
Let me know what you think.
Bye.
Hey, man, what's up, Beef?
Hey, give us
some of that candy, man.
I can't, man, I got to use it
for something.
Use it?
What the fuck?
Hey, man, share some
of that candy.
Dude, this isn't
Casablanca babes,
Stop bogartin' the goddamn
candy and pass it out, man.
Hey, you want to get high?
Hell, man, there's a priest
molesting little boys,
hell yeah!
Hey, give them some candy.
Yeah, candy.
You know about stereotypes?
You know how that black guys
only like that white chicks?
What if black guys don't
really like fat white chicks
but they like frozen
Snickers bars,
and fat white chicks always
has frozen Snickers bars?
That shit is racist, man.
Hey, man, you're fucking
racist, mother fucker.
Hey, Jamal, what did
you get on your SATs?
I don't know, man,
barbeque sauce.
Oh, there she is.
Fuck you asshole face.
And I want my abortion
money tonight.
Yeah, asshole face.
Yo, man, I never
went inside her, man.
I went in her eyes.
She probably didn't see
that coming.
What happened?
Hey, man, who listens
to music in a party, dude?
Hey, man, give me more candy.
I can't, man, I need it
for something, man.
Come on, Glenn,
let's get out of here
and get that little pudwacker.
Thanks for the weed, guys.
All right stereotypical
white dude.
Hold on, man, hold on, hold on.
All jokes aside, man,
where the fuck is our bong?
Oh, shit,
where is our bong, man?
It disappeared.
Do you guys want
to buy this bong for $50?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
we'll buy it, ma'am.
Awesome.
I got $60 right here.
Good.
Thank you.
Can I get my change please?
I don't do change.
I'm so sorry.
It's just like our old one.
Oh, my God, Tiffany.
My name is not Tiffany.
It's Cherry, you bitch.
Oh!
Look at your face.
Die, dog, die.
I think it's broken.
This is a decimal right here.
Hey, Phil, it's me again.
So I was thinking
we should go out
to a really
nice restaurant tomorrow
and I think
it'll be really cool
if you propose to me again
in front of everyone.
Doesn't that sound awesome?
Okay, call me back, babe.
So my doctor strongly advised
that I should get my penis
reduction sooner,
rather than later.
Yeah.
What's your name?
Pilar.
Pilar, I'm Cal.
Hi.
Guess what?
We should really get you
out of these wet clothes.
You know what,
I bet your dad was a thief
because he stole
the stars in the skies
and put them in your eyes.
My daddy was shot
and killed while stealing
from a jewelry store,
you asshole.
What the...
Is everyone okay up there?
Yeah, but you shot a dog.
Oh, it's not my first.
Is it still alive?
Yeah, it's still moving.
How about now?
Yeah, that did it, it's dead.
Just put the bottle down, man.
Hey, why don't we go do a tarot
reading. I'll charge you, but...
Do you know how degrading
it is to come to a party
where you're hired as a clown
and find your ex girlfriend
here with someone?
You cheated
on me multiple times
with the moms
from your birthday party gigs.
You back off, man.
Oh, my God.
My hero.
I am gonna take such
good care of you. Rawr!
Now somebody get that
clown the hell out of here.
So that was weird.
I thought it was
pretty cool what he did.
Well, I mean, I totally
could have kicked that
clown's ass, but, you know,
Phil had the sitch
under control.
Mm.
My sorority sisters are
waiting for me upstairs,
let's go.
Oh, hell yeah.
I really want
to screw that guy.
Me too.
Okay, well,
your lifeline is very short,
but there's nothing I can
really do about that, all right?
Do you have
any other questions?
Um, what about my love life?
Your love life?
Okay.
Well, I hate to tell you this,
but your boyfriend
is fucking everybody.
Everybody, he fucks
everything with vagina.
I know.
It's terrible.
Are you kidding me?
He's supposed to be
at bible study.
Bible study? No.
He is not at bible study.
No, no. You know what
I would do if I were you?
I would find the ugliest,
most repulsive
looking person at this party
and screw him.
Thank you.
I will.
Is this marijuana
you're smoking?
Is this marijuana, you're...
yes.
Why?
I'm not comfortable with you
smoking drugs around us.
Okay, come here.
Closer.
Say please.
Please.
All right, why don't
we all move on
to the Ouija board?
Okay?
This is not
what I was expecting.
Oh! Ooh.
Rusty coke pipes,
that means it's time to switch
to heroin everybody.
Take over.
I'm gonna go find a bathroom.
Jamie, hi.
Hello, Jamie.
So Cherry's got you guys
playing with the dark hearts,
huh?
We're gonna Ouija.
Actually I have a question.
Um, will I have sex
with Elaine?
Yes, I will.
You did that, totally.
No, no, that wasn't me.
Um, here let me try again.
Will I have sex with Marilyn?
Yes, I will.
You did that.
No, I swear it wasn't me.
Will I have sex with Jamie?
No.
Will I have a threesome
with Elaine and Marilyn?
Yes, I will.
Wow.
Oh, my God, I think
it actually moved that time.
You guys know that
whatever the Ouija board says
you have to do, no matter
how freaky or kinky or gross,
you have to do it.
It's like a thing, like a law.
It's true.
Oh, my God, really?
Yeah.
I guess we have to do it then.
Sounds like
we should get a room.
Mm.
Let's go.
All right, I'm gonna
find us a room.
Sex, sex, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Do you know,
my boyfriend thinks that
he is the only one
whom he gets to play.
Well, I'll show him.
Yes!
Oh, I can't believe
this is actually happening.
No, it sure is, Peter!
It's Cal.
Ow.
Oh!
This isn't working.
Move over.
Yes.
Get up you fat phone!
Right, so wiggle a little so
I can pull your pants off.
Oh, shit.
Red alert! Red alert!
Oh, shit. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Let me get a condom and a
towel, we'll try over again.
Oh, fuck.
Please give me a condom.
There's a drunk chick in there.
I'm going to testify
that she was sober.
Dude, I don't use condoms, man.
Go, go check the bathroom.
Okay, okay.
Uh, I will find us
a room, let's go.
Oh, this so works.
Hold on.
Oh, bro.
Ladies, hold on.
Dude.
Hey, what the fuck? I
was taking a shit, man.
Come on.
Who shits with the door open?
Okay, ladies, hold on, hold on.
Oh, my God I swear
I will find us a room.
I will.
Please I need you you in there
like fucking stat.
Oh, wait.
Come on, get in here.
What?
Where?
What?
Oh, dude, thanks for
sharing, man. Sharing?
Don't you know
who the fuck this is?
This is Mr. Tom's wife.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I don't want anything to do
with this shit, man.
It's too late, bro.
I'm supposed to be
watching her.
Mr. Tom's gonna be
here any minute.
If she dies, I die
and then bonus,
I get shit raped.
Oh, fuck you, dude.
You keep this bitch alive.
If I see Mr. Tom
I'll distract him.
Fake ass Eskimo brother.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
Goddamn it.
Mr. B is on move.
What?
Later with that.
Oh, my God, you're Mr. Belding
from Saved by the Bell.
Well, actually
my name is Dennis Haskins
but I did play
Mr. Belding.
Yeah, I know, I know.
You're like my hero.
I got this.
I need some advice.
Okay, shoot.
All right.
I'm really drunk right now
and inside the bathroom
is a drug dealer's wife.
Mr. Tom's wife
is in there.
She may have overdosed
and she may be dead.
What do I do?
You got a beeper?
No.
Rotary dial phone?
No.
VCR, VHS,
maybe a floppy disk,
eight track.
Zack phone, pencil, paper clip.
Help me out here.
No, this isn't the '90s, bro.
I don't have any of that stuff.
Well, looks like
you're in quite a predicament
and I'm not gonna be
able to help you.
But, you know what though?
I suggest
that you drink this really fast
and then pass out.
Yeah.
Uh.
Thanks, Mr. Belding...
I mean, Dennis.
And...
that's all I remember.
Dude,
Mr. Belding was not there.
No, Mr. Belding,
no Zack Morris,
o Jessy Spano, bro.
Dude, that's all
I remember, man,
except waking up
next to this angel.
You know,
I prefer Tinkerbell, baby.
All right, guys, listen.
Me, Polly, no memory.
Girlfriend coming to town.
Can we please
just stay on track?
Hey-ho,
pick up your phone
Oh.
Dude, Brah Man.
What's up, dude?
Hey, dude, I'm here
with Cal and Phil, man.
You remember Mexican Jonah Hill
and Neil Patrick Harris?
No, dude, he looks like
walking HIV, dude.
I was thinking, man...
Man, he's either in the movie
Philadelphia
or we need to go
to the hospital right now,
you know.
Yeah, dude, you remember me,
right, Brah Man.
I'm the one you
kept calling Chia Pet.
Wait, no, you're the one that
looks like a gigantic frijole
with an afro bro, right?
Well, that's me.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, man, I totally
remember those guys, man.
We were at the party,
dude and it's like...
it was a complete tit fest,
dude, and we were getting high...
And these extreme
astrophysical effects
can lead to short
bursts of fusion
and that's my first lesson
in fusion science.
Oh, my God.
You are the smartest man ever.
Thank you.
And the sexiest.
Yeah, I am.
Hey, you're my greatest
customer ever. I never do this.
But here's a rebate check
for $20,000
and I also want to give you
these beautiful ladies.
Oh, my God.
Brah Man, you're the coolest man
in our solar system.
Yeah, Brah Man,
you're beautiful inside and out.
I sure am.
Yes, um,
that's all I remember, man.
Dude, that is not
how anything happened.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This guy probably
can't even drive straight.
Fuck you, man,
I'm not an idiot.
I'm Asian, dude.
I'm smarter than you, man.
Fuck you and your fucking
lumber cut Beatle's haircut.
Hey, man, fuck you, you walking
big brown piece of shit, man.
I know Yakuza, bro.
Oh, shit.
Mother fucker, fuck.
Talk to me like that...
Well, it sounds like
you're fucked.
Or at least
you were last night.
Get thee to a healer
before the burning starts, man.
Jamie.
Meester, cute outfit.
Oh, scribble dibble.
You guys see a video camera?
I can't find it.
No, I haven't seen it
but have you seen a phone
by chance?
You shit stains, I told you
to stay out of trouble.
One party and you need
your momma to come here
and wipe your asses?
Me-me-me!
Jamie, just please
tell us what happened.
Okay.
I'll tell you what happened.
First your daddy
forgot to pull out.
Then he dropped
in your fucking head
a couple of times.
And then he forgot to teach you
how to man up and drink a beer.
And now I have to come here
and clean up this entire mess.
So Phil's girlfriend
will leave everyone
on campus the fuck alone.
Oh, Beth, is she here?
Apparently, she's already
torn up the entire dorms
looking for you.
Now I'm fucked.
Fucked.
What's the problem?
Well, according
to Beef over there,
Phil stuck his dick
in a VD cocktail last night.
Beef?
Beef?
Needledick the bug fucker
was completely fucking
trash last night.
Hey, so were you.
I was with Meester all night
and we were only half trashed.
So together we can totally
piece together the real deal.
It's true.
So, Helen Keller.
Need a braille book?
What the fuck happened?
Yeah!
This is how shit went down.
I showed up at the party
looking insanely gorgeous.
I mean, seriously amazing.
Jamie, Jamie.
You two pricks wait here
for one second.
Did you get the stuff?
Yeah, sure.
Not that, you fuck,
with the money.
Oh. Yeah, yeah,
sure thing, yeah.
Oh, we're with Jamie, bro.
Pricks.
I'll be right back.
Okay, see you inside.
Okay.
Beef, they're my friends.
Oh, Jamie,
these guys are with you?
I didn't know that.
Of course, they're welcome.
Of course, they're welcome.
You're the best.
Aww. You guys try not to get
your asses kicked, just try.
I thought you knew
we were with Jamie.
Ow!
Jamie.
Hey.
Be sure that door is locked.
If somebody walks in,
the price doubles.
Okay.
Locked.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen...
who am I kidding?
The only people watching
this are frat guys.
All right, let's get it moving,
Seacrest.
You've seen the rest,
now check out the best.
The most insane thing
you've ever seen in your life.
Okay, are you ready,
we're rolling?
Yeah, we're rolling.
All right, perfect.
Bring me a beer.
All right.
Meester.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Holy shit, I had no idea.
I just thought
you wanted more beer.
Oh, give me a hug,
girl, this is amazing.
Hold on a sec, cowboy,
o hugging till the talent
gets her pants on.
Oh, you know I'm gay, right?
Yeah, I just didn't want you
to get all perioded on.
All right.
Oh, my there's some of
your junk in the cup.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Let's go a two-fer
on the YouTube delights
for tonight.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay, so let's see who
we can get to drink the menses?
Who the fuck calls it menses?
It's called...
Oh, shit.
There he is.
I'm gonna teach this jizz-bucket
to tell people he fucked me.
What?
Hey, I got you this.
What?
I was playing beer pong
and I won
and I wanted you to drink it.
I wasn't even in the game.
I told you he'd be too chicken
shit just to drink one beer.
Show you.
Oh, oh-ho, this shot.
Wet balls in the face.
Yeah, well, you got
that for your stupid video.
Oh, we did.
It so worked.
Oh, my God,
I just cut this girl's hair off.
Nobody's phone?
It's a pretty crazy night, huh?
Yeah, right.
Um, I should probably, like,
go find Cherry
before she shoots somebody
or something crazy like that.
I've known Cherry a long time.
She'll be okay.
You know, I want
to tell you something.
This is like
the coolest night of my life.
No, you're actually
a pretty cool guy
when you're not running around
trying impress everybody.
Or make everybody
think you're a stud.
Oh, my God.
Come here, you have to see this. Okay.
Phew!
Phil, every single time
you don't pick up the phone
that's another year that
you're waiting to have sex.
Are you prepared
to wait that long?
Because it's been
about 20 calls now.
Better call me back,
sweet cheeks.
Ugh!
Please have sex with me.
Um, have you seen us?
Yeah, we wouldn't let you
videotape us making out.
Okay, what about...
what about...
Let me just see one nipple.
Can I suck your elbow
skin with my eyes closed?
It'll feel the same.
Okay, can I feel your foot?
Um, yeah, sure.
Oh!
Oh...
Yo, anybody know
a bitch named Beth?
Philip, what the fuck?
Pick up your phone right now.
I'm so goddamn angry.
Oh!
Jamie.
Don't forget
to pull out there, buddy.
Yeah!
Hey, look out!
Jamie.
Hello, Cheeba.
Jamie.
Cheeba.
Jamie.
Where's Mr. Tom?
I'm right here, Cheeba.
Look what I found
which is a fucking crossbow.
Mr. Tom, oh, shit.
Cal, my friend.
Where's my wife?
She's dead... tired.
She's fine, man.
She was talking about
how much she loves you.
You guys are like
the best couple.
You're a good man.
How are you, Cheeba?
I'm good, man.
I see you still got monkey boy.
I do.
Hi, Cheeba.
You didn't teach him English?
Who has time
to teach English, right?
You got my stuff?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You got my money?
Yes. I'd like to see
the stuff first.
Eh.
I want to see the money.
Where the fuck am I?
Tom...
Ah!
I'm dead for a minute
and now I'm alive.
Hey, Cheeba,
why you pointing a gun at Tom?
No, bad boy.
Cherry, back off.
I will fucking kill you.
Yeah, Mr. Cheeba.
Mr. Tom is my friend.
Put it down or else...
Or else what?
Shoot me with a bow and arrow?
It's a compound crossbow.
I got this, Cal.
No, just put down
the crossbow, Cal,
the arrow's just gonna
piss him off even more.
Drop that gun, Cheeba.
Yeah, Miss Cal's one of us.
He's gay?
I almost had sex with him.
Cal is gay? All right, back
up, everybody, right now!
Put it down, Cheeba!
I'm in love with her.
You're in love with me?
Oh, my God, that is
so fucking sweet, baby.
He's bisexual?
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Put it down or I will shot you.
I'll shit rape your body, dude.
On the count of three.
Ooh, shit rape.
One!
I got this, Cal.
I got this.
Two.
No, no, no, nobody
shit raping anybody.
Three.
Come on.
Come on, are we good?
Are you kidding me?
Shit rape, really?
I know. What the fuck...
Get over here.
Oh, God.
I'm glad you didn't shoot me.
I know.
Me too, right?
And fucking Dean.
Hey, bro.
I left you
at the Statue of Liberty, man.
How did you get down here?
I used a balloon.
Did you? I fucking love you, bitch.
Fucking love you too, bitch.
Hey, are we good?
Yeah, we're good.
This,
it's filled with appletini.
Hey, you guys,
who here wants to be my fan?
You want to go make out sometime? Sure.
Then Cal, you tried to kiss me
and then you passed out.
So I made sure
you weren't bleeding
and then I went home.
I can't believe it.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Oh.
This shit is wrong.
You made me drink your period.
Scribble dibble.
No, not scribble dibble, man.
What the fuck
is scribble dibble?
Did anyone see my dog?
Oh, no, bro.
It's weird.
And then I went home to google,
to see if there was a way
that you could live
with an arrow in your shoulder
or if we had to put you down.
Well, what did you
find out, doctor?
Well, I found out
that all I have to do
is take it nice
and hard and rip it out.
Ow!
Oh, God.
That smarts.
That was like some American
Indian type shit. Oh...
That was like
one with the earth, like...
You fucking made me
drink your menses.
Seriously, what is
with the all this menses talk?
Is this like a 1950s
paper doll sex ed class?
And, honestly, Beef,
you deserve it.
That's what you get
for telling everybody
that we fucked.
Okay, so somebody
Scooby-doo me.
Who the hell
fricking juiced us?
It was Cherry.
She said she doesn't
like to be baby-sat.
Listen, guys, we're getting off
point here, all right.
We've figured out everything
except for whether or not
I slept with Polly.
So what... what are you...
what are you worried about?
I don't know how to find out
whether or not
I actually slept
with her, okay.
And I need to figure it out
before my girlfriend,
soon-to-be fianc
gets here.
You couldn't...
Why don't you just ask her?
Uh, uh, I don't know.
That's weird. You
can't just do that, Bob.
You want me to ask her?
No, no, no, thank you, man.
All right, I respect you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Polly?
- What are you doing?
- Yeah?
No, no, no.
Can you come in here?
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
Hey...
everybody.
What is this, some kind
of extended after party?
Phil here...
partied hard last night
and he's wondering
if he partied hard
inside of you.
Phil?
Polly, I'm sorry, okay.
I just... I wanted to know
what happened.
Well, first off,
Bob, your dog Molly is dead.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I got to tell you, I mean,
she had cancer really bad.
Cancer of her ovaries.
Oh.
I didn't even know
dog had ovaries.
Me neither.
So I'm glad
she went peacefully.
Well, here's what happened.
We were all standing
around the beer pong table
in the living room
and my ex Dave
just showed up...
Whoa!
Why, why would you
mess with a girl?
Polly.
Polly, you broke my heart.
We need to talk.
Back off, Clown.
They're with me.
This is between me and her.
Oh, yeah?
Is everyone okay up there?
Yeah, but you shot a dog.
Oh, my God.
I love dogs.
Oh, fuck.
Bro, dude, you really whacked
the shit out of that guy.
Oh, dude, I didn't mean to.
Can you do me a favor, man?
Take him back to the dorm
and make sure
he finds his pants.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey, Glenn.
Yeah.
He smells amazing, doesn't he?
Yeah, his face
smells like crayons.
You okay, bro?
Yeah, I'm okay, Hensen, thanks.
Hey, could you
do me a favor, man,
and make sure they actually
get him back to the dorms?
By the way, I want
to introduce you to Rachel.
She is my...
I'm his new girlfriend.
Oh.
She's a contortionist.
I'm a contortionist.
You want to see me
do the puzzle?
I do.
I do, I do.
Oh, are you okay?
Oh, I just feel...
I feel a little, oh.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Okay, come with me.
I'm gonna
take care of you, okay?
Thanks.
Why is it going straight
to voicemail, Phil?
Call me back now.
Look, Dave is an okay guy.
He's just a little confused.
Yeah.
I think we all are.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I'm so...
I'm sorry.
No. It's okay.
It's just, you know,
I thought you got a girlfriend.
Oh God, Beth.
I'm just...
I proposed to her
and she's coming here tomorrow.
So why aren't you sure?
It seems like
it's the only thing
that's really gonna
make her happy.
Does it make you happy?
I don't think it does.
You know, you should
never settle in your life, Phil.
Oh, God.
Look, if you ever want
to talk about anything,
you know...
Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
You done?
I think so.
Oh God, I'm devastated.
Oh, God.
Why, because you farted
in front of me?
Hey, look, look, ready?
See?
I did it, too, it's no biggie.
Oh, okay, mister.
It's time to get you
cleaned up and into bed.
Oh, you are not in good shape.
Okay.
Up, up, up.
All right.
Oh, God.
Bro.
Come on.
Okay, yep.
Oh, God.
All right.
All right.
Oh. Phil.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You know what?
Why don't we just do it
under the covers instead?
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Kind of gross.
Okay.
Um, listen, I'm gonna be
right back, just stay here.
Okay?
All right.
Philip, you're supposed
to be worshiping me.
I'm supposed to be your god.
The only above me is Jesus.
You need to call your
future wife back right now.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Hey.
Hey.
I've got a shirt, pants
and underwear
with vomit on them.
You want to help me out?
You're gonna wash them?
Yeah.
I don't know
where the laundry room is.
You're in it.
Oh, fuck.
I thought that was a robot.
Doesn't it look like a robot?
A little bit.
All right.
Well, cool.
I'm about to do
a load of pukey pants myself.
Thank you.
Now if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go to Jupiter.
Oh, what the fuck, man.
It's like fucking skunk shit.
All right, look,
I'll see you later.
Oh, I don't know why
that's funny.
What the fuck is this, man?
This is fucking crack.
Fuck! I'm gonna be
fucking paranoid.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, your clothes
are in the wash, all right?
They'll be ready
in the morning.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna lay down next to you,
so you don't choke
on your own vomit
in the middle of the night.
Why are you...
You think I'm gonna let you blow
chunks on my clothes, too?
But, listen, no funny business.
If you try anything,
I'm going to punch you
square in the nuts
and then I'm not gonna be
your friend anymore.
Okay?
Can you move?
Okay.
Hey, could you
turn off the light?
That's pretty much
what happened.
See, dude, I told you.
I knew I did not have sex.
Okay, you don't have to sound
so excited about it.
Well, he was just concerned
that he'd get
a case of the crotch rot
because, you know.
Because of what?
Oh, you know
what the kids call it today,
you know, a trollop.
You know, a hussy.
You're a slut.
You know,
all the guys on this campus
just love to talk about
how much sex you've all had.
Guilty, guilty for sure.
Indeed.
Wait, so, Polly,
do you mean that...
No.
Not that it's any of
your goddamn business,
but no I haven't had sex
with anyone on this campus.
A couple of years ago,
I went off to a band camp
and this guy there liked me,
but this girl liked him.
So she started a rumor saying
that I was a big old slut.
Polly is the cleanest chick
on campus,
spick and span.
You can eat off her vagina.
Thank you, Bob.
Polly, I'm sorry.
Um...
listen, I...
Oh, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I need to ask you if,
I don't know,
maybe we can start over.
Oh-ew!
Oh.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Beth. You?
You?
Polly fucking Wallace.
Bitch-breath
backdoor Beth.
Oh, wait a second.
You two know each other?
I cannot believe, Phil,
that your girlfriend
is backdoor Beth.
Phil, she just doesn't want us
to be here, let's go.
This is the bitch
from band camp.
We all called her
backdoor Beth.
You want to know why?
Why?
She didn't even wait
for orientation to end
before her backend
was open for business.
No, I said in my butt only.
What's up?
Oh, yeah, keep going.
Oh, it's my first time
in the butt with a black guy.
It's great.
Excuse me, hold on.
Do you need something?
Hurry up, bro.
Polly, what the fuck.
You never knock,
you dumb bitch.
Your friend gonna join us?
No.
Get the fuck out.
What's wrong with you?
I said leave.
So were you like
born with a penis?
No, it's just
a really big clit.
You get the fuck out!
Was crazy.
That summer she had
more dongs in her ass
than a Chinese phonebook.
Oh.
Oh, damn.
It was just one summer
and technically
I'm still a virgin.
I mean, I saved my front end
engines just for you.
I call foul there.
Shut up, Cal!
Nobody asked you.
Beth, we were together
when you left for band camp.
Let's, um,
let's just get out of here
and go talk about of it,
shall we?
I don't care how many guys
you've had in your butt.
You don't?
You don't?
He may not,
but Jesus does, Beth.
No, I don't,
because I've realized
something.
I know what I want now.
And it's not you.
What?
If I were to stay with you,
then I'd just be settling
and I don't want to settle.
But, Phil...
No, Beth, I'm sorry but no.
But look,
no hard feelings, okay?
Let's try
and stay friends, okay?
And actually I know
how much you love sweets,
so I got you
some special chocolates.
Do you have those special
chocolates I got for Beth?
Yeah, yeah, they're right here.
You know how much
you like sweets, babe.
And I had these special
chocolates imported just for you.
So why don't you
just head back home
and we'll just talk
when we talk.
Okay?
Um, well...
Wow, these are great, thanks.
And this will...
this will all blow over.
And I'll pray for us.
Okay?
Bye.
Good-bye, Beth.
Peace be with you, Beth.
Enjoy the wafers.
Bye, Beth.
Oh, dude, that was
so instant revenge. Oh, my God.
She better not get ass
cancer from those candies, bro.
Dude, no.
It was petty, it was mean,
it was stupid and it felt
really fucking good. Yes!
I mean this doesn't
answer about Phil's nuts.
What about them?
Well, I mean, if he didn't
the hoochie coochie from you
then why has he been scratching
like there's no tomorrow?
Last night
after we went to bed,
we heard gunshots
and then Mr. Tom and Cherry
came running up
into the room
and you told Mr. Tom
that you guys were BFF for life
and started talking
to him about baseball.
And then he asked you
if you wanted
a baseball tattoo on your pubes
and you were like,
"Fuck, yeah. "
So you have a new tattoo.
It's actually
pretty fucking cool.
Well, this is getting
a little weird.
Come on, Georgia.
Meester, let's go talk
about our friendship.
I've never
had a gay friend before.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know
if you've official met Georgia.
She's my...
I'm his girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Oh, nice Adam's apple.
All right, ass clowns,
I'm out of here.
Jamie, wait.
I just want to talk to you
for a second.
I feel like a douche
because last night in the party
I told everybody
that I loved you.
And I know now
that what I should've done
is taken you aside like this
and told you that
you're the first girl
I've ever really liked.
And ever since I first saw you,
I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.
And I know
that you would never feel
that way about some...
about somebody like me.
Well, first of all,
don't tell me how I feel.
And second, why don't you
take me out to breakfast
so we can talk about it?
Yes.
Thank you again for taking
such good care of me last night.
Hey, it's okay.
I actually kind of liked it.
I really took to heart
what you said
about not settling.
I don't want to settle.
I want to find someone
who loves me for me,
someone who respects me,
someone...
someone who doesn't
tell me what to do,
asks me what to do.
We all do, Phil.
Oh, oh.
Wow.
I think that might have been the
greatest kiss of my entire life.
Me too.
Oh.
There you go, man.
Coffee and duds.
Perfect.
That's my finger.
All right.
Sorry.
I need it.
Well, well, Phil, now
that we've kissed,
I think it's time
for you to meet my dad.
Oh, whoa.
Let's slow down
there right, man?
Phil,
I would like you
to meet my father, Bob.
Hey, little guy.
Her nickname is fucking.
Polly fucking Wallace, bro.
As in mother fucking Bob.
His name's
probably not Mr. Tom.
It's probably Keyser Soze.
It's just a college party.
MF Bob, just...
it's like a campus legend.
Let me be the first
then to officially welcome
you to the campus.
You want some bacon?
Polly, I'm talking
about a campus legend.
Oh, I'm going
to MF Bob's house tonight.
I love bacon.
Bob?
Bob is your dad?
And this is your house?
Yes.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry about your mug, sir.
We are family.
He's a good one, daddy.
Oh, I see that, babe.
Hey, Bob.
Uh...
Cherry has something
she wants to say to you, man.
Hey, I'm really sorry
I shot your dog.
I got this little guy
from the shelter this morning.
He's so cute.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
I love dogs so much.
It's all right.
I know you killed my dog,
but she was going to be
put down today anyway.
I wasn't going to shoot her.
I would've had her put down
professionally with a needle.
But, hey,
you saved me in the trouble.
Really?
Yeah.
So what now?
What do we do now,
is we just see
if this little puppy
likes bacon.
Who doesn't like bacon?
Crazy boys, such crazy boys
Crazy boys, so crazy boys
Crazy boys, such crazy boys
Crazy boys
Such crazy boys, crazy boys
So crazy boys, so crazy
Such crazy
I said,
"stop, leave me alone"
"Cause I ain't got time
to put up with the tone
Too busy dreaming
I'm the best
So sorry, Mr. West,
but my video would have won
If it only did exist
Boy, boy you're crazy
Girl, girl, I know
I keep battling your demon
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
All right.
Wait, no, no.
Tell me, what is it?
Well, there's
something in here.
Oh, my God,
this is Meester's camera.
No, it isn't.
Yes.
Oh, my God, put it on.
All right, all right, yes.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
So Georgia, you just
cut the aorta right here
and there his heart.
Yeah!
You see it.
I'm kidding, I'm not actually
gonna eat your heart.
I'll put it back.
I'll put it back.
Don't you worry.
Oh!
I just made another mistake,
I'm really sorry.
You see, I told you
if you drain it fast,
you will pack up.
Yeah.
Cheers, boys.
Now do yours.
Georgia!
Georgia!
Come here.
Dog is so cute.
Is everyone okay up there?
Hey.
Is that Kevin Smith?
Got me.
I don't know.
Good party though.
Great party.
You know the problem is,
Bob's gonna be pissed,
because Cherry messed up
his whole house.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Let's get on.
Hey, are you filming us?
Oh. Yeah.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Now!
Now!
Hey, give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money. Oh!
All right, do it, do it,
do it, do it, do it, do it.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, my God.
Phil here
partied hard last night.
You know how we all party.
He partied hard.
And he's wondering
if he partied
hard inside of you.
God, I mean,
am I ever gonna figure out
how I got this freaking
wooden arrow in my neck?
Wait, wait, wait.
Well, how do I know?
Like when they stand up
they look like the letter ten...
Well, letter ten.
- Number ten.
- Quiet.
Now what the fuck
is the noise about?
Oh!
Goddamn it, why is there noise?
I'm not really that bad.
That's a baby pig,
Oh. Oh.
That makes me sad.
No, man, because,
it's like a little pig and...
Take two.
He's making me laugh.
I thought you were
at the Britney Spear's concert.
How the fuck
did you get out of there?
I was supposed to take her
to the vet this morning
to put her down.
Now you don't have to.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I was about...
I guess it saved me the trip.
She had...
she had sickle cell anemia.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's weird.
That's rough.
She was a black lab.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Mexican Jonah Hill
and the guy
that looks like the dude
from the eating out movies.
Okay.
Oh!
Phil, Carl, what's up, bros?
Cal...
How you doing, bro?
Dude, I left you 50 foot
under by that sunken treasure.
How the fuck did you get up
without another tank of oxygen?
Dude, I can hold
my breath forever.
No, shit.
Oh, yeah.
Let me practice
that right now, goddamn it.
I've just woke up...
Just say you want to know
who you fucked.
Get it out.
He totally put his pig
in your blanket.
That's enough.
Polly?
Why don't you just ask me?
I would.
I should cut.
I will cut next time,
that's your job.
I apologize.
I'll go all the way through.
I'll go all the way through.
I'm so sorry, Dante, I love you.
It's okay.
Fuck, man.
I thought you were
doing America's race.
You're in the
fucking catamaran.
I thought you were in Tahiti.
Well, hold on. You think
it was anal or vaginal?
Excuse me? It's definitely
anal with this guy.
Hey.
Last time I saw you,
you were giving
Miley Cyrus a buzz cut.
So were you like
born with a penis?
You get the fuck out!
Fuck.
25 fucking years, I still
burn my fucking thumb.
You're gonna...
you're gonna get.
This is why I like fruit.
I hate this shit.
Bitch, take your lunch break.
Chop, chop, let's go.
What's up, man?
How you guys been?
What's up, Hensen?
Fuck off, Hensen,
and my name's Cal
for Christ's sake.
Get the fuck out of here.
Was her tail,
still connected when she died?
Because there's people
that steal tail,
they're called tail thieves,
off a dead dog carcass.
Last time I saw you,
you were on top
of the Arc d'Triumph,
How the fuck did you get...
Is that, I'm sorry,
was that a fuck one
or a regular one?
You can say fuck.
You kill me every time.
Step in, step out.
I don't want to talk to you.
Well, I'm sure
you don't, but...
I don't want to talk
to no dog killer.
I know I killed your dog
but I feel really bad
and that's why I got this dog
from the shelter this morning.
It's like a peace offering.
It's not even
the same kind of dog.
Look how cute it is. Don't you
want to hold it for a second?
Yeah, but you made my dog Alpo.
But I feel bad, that's why
I'm bringing you this one.
Maybe we should take
this one and kill it.
See how you feel.
Whatever you want to do,
I don't care.
I'm just trying to be nice.
You disgust us.
What?
Let's go.
You know what,
fuck them, let's go.
You know what, fuck you people.
Fuck you.
Fuck off.
The dog looks like you.
These mother fuckers.
And Daniel here
is wondering...
Phil.
Phil.
Here we go again.
Ten baby rabbits.
Whole family
is dying in a fire.
That's hilarious.
Now it's gonna make me laugh.
That's good.
Oh.
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Crazy boys such a crazy boy
Crazy boys, so crazy boys
Crazy boys, such a crazy
Stop and I said,
"stop, leave me alone"
"Cause I ain't got time
to put up with the tone
Too busy dreaming
I'm the best
So sorry, Mr. West,
but my video would have won
If it only did exist
Oh, man.
Where are my clothes?
Boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Why do we need clown pants?
This is about you like
everything nowadays
You took my heart
spread it thin like mayonnaise
A broken record still plays
But all I hear is static
You want to try again
Girl, you're so emphatic
So dramatic
The queen of the erratic,
breaking me down
So systematic I can't take
the pressure
I don't need the pain
It's time to say goodbye
Girl, you so insane
Boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy,
crazy boys
So crazy boy, crazy boys
Such a crazy boy
Hey, little dude.
Hi.
I'm MF Bob.
I'd shake your hand,
let's hold the bacon.
Bob?
Yeah, mother fucking Bob.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, are you off of betting me?
No.
You want some bacon?
Have you seen
a cell phone anywhere?
Phil.
Bro, what happened last night?
Dude, I have no idea, man.
I can't remember... You
have an arrow right here.
Yeah, no shit.
I didn't notice.
That looks really bad.
Yeah, dude, I'm not as worried
about that as I am about these.
These were in my ass
last night, dude.
And I'm talking deep.
I mean, upside down
Grand Canyon deep.
Bro, what the fuck
are you wearing?
I couldn't find my clothes
anywhere or my phone.
I need that phone.
I got clothes for you, man.
You mean, you don't remember
how the fuck you got that on?
You got to get
that checked out.
You're right.
You know what?
I'm gonna do that
after I talk to my buddy Phil
in another fucking room.
Yes.
Let's go, man.
But who is Phil?
I made bacon.
You're MF Bob, aren't you?
Yeah, it's me.
Oh, fuck, bro.
I had such a great time
last night.
Party of the year,
straight up, man.
And MF Bob, I'm a fat man.
Who am I kidding?
I fucking love bacon, bro.
Give me that.
Oh, fuck.
Wait, man.
What time is it?
I don't know, dude.
It's like fucking
3 o'clock or something.
Oh, fuck that...
that was open.
3 o'clock, dude,
Beth's gonna be here
any fucking minute.
Fuck Beth right
in her butt, bro.
My virgin ass was
fucking tampered
with last night, dude,
and I didn't hear the burglar
alarm go off.
I called Jamie and Beef,
they're gonna be
here any minute
and we're gonna find out what the
fuck went down last night, dude.
I already checked all the websites
for party fucking evidence.
Nothing,
just titties, still cool.
Shit.
Dude, I didn't tell you
everything.
Okay, what?
When I woke up this morning...
I was in bed naked with Polly.
Oh, damn!
I told you
this would happen, dude.
I told you.
I know pussy.
I don't think
I slept with her, man.
All I remember is I was
sitting in my dorm room
and I just started
on my homework
when I got a incoming call
on my computer for Beth.
Hey, baby.
Hey, babe.
I really, really miss you.
Oh, babe.
You know, these long-distance
dealios just don't usually work out.
Oh.
Oh, come on, Beth.
You are the one who decided
to pack up and leave
and go to college
when you could have
very well just stayed here
and finished out
community college with me.
I know, babe.
But I've told you
I'm committed and... and...
Are you playing with yourself?
No, Beth, no.
Absolutely not.
You promised me
that you wouldn't play
with yourself.
What would Jesus do, Phil?
I mean, honestly
what would he do?
Open the door!
One second.
Dude, open the door.
Hold on.
I have to take a shit.
Hold on, okay, princess.
The cafeteria food
is destroying me, dude.
It's Dia de Los
Diarrhea out here.
Cal, go somewhere else, dude.
You know I can only
do in home base.
I don't play away games.
I need to send a package for
the Philippines right away.
Beth, just hold on, all right?
Just... I'll be right back.
Jesus!
Oh! Oh!
I'm sorry about that, babe.
Beth, Beth, listen.
Phil, come on.
There's something that I've been
wanting to ask you.
What?
I was gonna wait until
you came home from break.
Oh, shit.
For the warmth of
sweet baby mothers,
will you please close the door?
This one is for you, Beth.
Come on, Phil,
I really need to go.
Beth, Beth, just wait.
Just one second,
okay, all right?
Oh, it burns.
Beth, my sweet babe,
I know it's not much,
but I wanted to show you that I am
committed. Oh, wait one more fart.
Oh, my God, Phil.
Yes, yes, oh, my God!
Sweet baby Jesus, yes!
Really, babe?
Oh.
You know what?
I'm gonna come up, tomorrow.
I think that we should
celebrate together,
you know, the special way.
Okay, I got to go, baby.
Sweet dreams.
Oh, dude, call Guinness
Book and the Roto-Rooter, bro.
Holy crap, I need
a cigarette after that.
Oh, that burns.
And you just interrupted
the best video chat with Beth.
Oh, Beth sucks, bro.
Dude, just layoff, man.
She's my girlfriend.
I just proposed to her.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah.
Dude, we're going to the
biggest party tonight.
Get Beth out of your mind.
Where? I got us access to
the biggest party of the year.
I'm talking college kids, I'm
talking alumni together for one night.
I'm talking hookers, guns, fire
chops, clowns, MILFs, GILFs.
I'm talking about
a campus legend,
mother fucking
Bob's party, bro.
No way. Dude, how did you
get us into that?
Because I'm the fucking, man.
Please, please, please take us
to the party, Jamie, please.
I already told Phil
we're gonna go.
You know they don't
let freshman guys
and we're gonna
look like douches.
Please, Jamie-wan Kenobi,
you're our only hope.
Honestly, Cal, you think
I'm gonna
stroll into this party
with a string bean
and a fat farm animal?
Please, please, please,
please, please...
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Woo-hoo!
Under one condition and you're
not gonna like it. What? What?
You have to bring the bouncer
a gram of coke,
and mother fucking Bob
an eighth of weed.
I don't know
where to get weed, coke.
You're gonna go here,
bring cash and tell them
ping pong girl sent you.
Whatever you do, don't let him
talk about baseball to you.
Meet in the quad here at 7:00
with the stuff and then
we'll walk over there together.
It's far.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yes.
Woo-hoo, party time!
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Oh, my back.
Oh.
Just for you, hotties.
Oh, my God.
He's gonna die.
Hey, out there it's Friday or,
as I like to call it,
the real hot day.
All right.
Where is the fire, Jewfro?
Pat down.
Jeez man, it's nice
you don't have a girlfriend.
That sucks for you, bro.
What's going on down here? You
want to die by the time you're 30?
Eat your fiber.
Wait.
Where's your wiener?
You're one of them
lesbians, huh?
No wiener.
Turn around.
It just doesn't like you.
Hey, watch the mouth.
All right, you look
good back here.
Drop your pants.
What?
Time to search your asshole.
Oh, I don't think so, dude.
Is he good?
Yeah, he's good.
Follow me.
Sit down, be quiet
and don't speak
until you're spoken to.
What?
Very funny, Tom.
You are so...
Oh, you two may go.
We were so scared.
Thank you so much.
Get the fuck out!
Get the fuck out!
How dare you!
Oh.
I didn't get to hear about
Joseph Smith.
Oh, God.
What's that?
Oh, no, what is that?
You're a cop? I'm not a
cop. I'm not a cop. I'm Cal.
He's Cal, Tom.
His name is Cal.
Cal? I'm Mr. Tom.
Hi. This is my beautiful
wife Cherry Lu Rou
and this is my place.
I bought it,
so she'd stop dancing.
And behind you is monkey boy.
That's monkey boy.
We feed him cocaine
and bananas.
That's his diet, man.
I won him
in a very dangerous game,
Of Huila in Colombia
and he doesn't speak English.
I speak English.
See, look at that...
Ping pong girl sent me here.
Oh, ping pong girl.
We love ping pong girl.
We love ping pong girl.
Hal, are you my friend?
What?
He wants to know
if you're his friend.
Yes, I'm your friend,
Mr. Tom.
Good.
I love friends.
You want a drink?
You want to talk about
baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.
No, I just need
to get, um...
I just need to get
an eighth of coke
and a gram of weed
or an ounce of weed
or an eighth of coke... Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.
I don't remember
what I need right now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're freaking me out, man.
Are you getting nervous?
Hold on. I'm not nervous.
When you get nervous,
I get nervous and I don't like
to get nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Prove you're not a cop.
I'm not. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bring, bring, bring,
bring me the mirror.
Ow right here.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's do it.
We are going to do cocaine. Yeah.
Put it right here,
put it right here.
I don't think so. I don't think
so, I've never done it before.
Oh, fuck, I'm wearing
wearing flip flops.
Whoo!
Whoo!
Oh my God, please no,
please no, please no.
I really shouldn't do this.
I really don't feel
like I should do this.
I don't feel like...
You're gonna like it.
You're gonna do it.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna love it.
You're gonna love it.
Do it, do it, do it.
I got to leave
right after this.
Oh!
You did it!
Oh, my God, you're my friend.
You're my friend.
My friend!
Bring the bouncer
a gram of coke,
and mother fucking Bob
an eighth of weed.
Guys, can I just get
my drugs just so I can...
I got to be somewhere.
Get him the drugs.
Get him the drugs.
Where do you have to be?
It's just a college party,
MF Bob's.
Oh! I'm going to MF Bob's house
tonight.
Party, there's a party there.
I'm meeting a client
there tonight.
Well, I want to go
to that party, Tom.
It's crazy.
He's like a...
Oh, drugs, here they are,
my friend.
Here you go.
That's $600, pal.
$600?
600 bucks?
I only have... I don't have
600 bucks. I only...
I didn't know drugs
were expensive.
Come on, give me the money.
I want to go to the party, Tom.
All right, come on.
I only have $100.
Are you kidding me?
He works for me.
He was over here, he make you
drugs and he came back.
I pay him for that.
Shit.
I said I want to go
to the party, Tom.
I want to go to the party.
I have an idea.
Give me the $100.
Give me this.
You keep that, all right?
Here, honey, you can have that.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna sit right there
and you're gonna
take her to the party,
but you're gonna
wait till she gets dressed.
Okay?
You happy?
Yes.
I love you.
Okay, good.
You watch her
and keep your eyes out
for a Mexican name Cheeba.
He's coming
in from Ridge Crest tonight.
I'm gonna meet him there later.
Yeah, sure.
Okay, good.
I'm gonna say something to you
and I want you to listen.
If anyone touches,
if anyone touches her,
I'm going to take clippers
and I am going to cut off
your testicles
and I'll feed them to you.
If she gets a splinter
- anything, you know what I'm gonna do?
I will cut your throat open
and then I'm going to pee
in your eyeballs. And then
I'm going to open your neck,
I am going to take a shit
inside your fucking neck
and I will fuck your neck.
I will shit rape
your fucking neck!
Do you understand that?
Yes, Mr. Tom.
Oh, sorry, God.
It's the cocaine, man.
I'm sorry. I was out
of my mind, that's all.
I meant it,
but it was out of line.
You're my friend.
I love this guy.
I love you, Cal.
You're my friend.
I can't believe
we're fucking babysitting
a drug dealer's wife.
I mean, haven't you seen, I don't
know, Scarface, Pulp Fiction?
This shit always ends badly.
Look at her, man.
Dude, these are movies, bro.
I'm talking about real life.
In real life Mr. Tom
is a fucking psycho, dude.
He's psychotic.
His name is probably
not Mr. Tom.
It's probably Keyser Soze.
You know, fuck it, we're
going to the party, fuck it.
Yeah, man, okay. As long as we stay
out of trouble and I promised Beth,
I'd stay out of trouble.
Dude, fuck that.
I can't believe you're nuts
are the size of freaking
beach balls of the baby battery
you got backed up in there.
You try saying that again.
I don't know
what that means, man,
but Beth
is my fiance, all right.
We're getting married.
Yeah, you're way too the fuck
young to get married, bro.
Like, way too fucking young.
Yo, what's up, shark stain?
Oh, my God.
Hi!
I've missed you so much.
Cherry, what are
you doing here?
Well, Jew-baka over here
was nice enough
to invite me to the party.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
We're actually just talking
about marriage.
Oh, my God. I think you guys
will make such a cute couple.
Like, I'm voting
yes on gay marriage,
so you faggots can like...
No. This dipshit
is getting engaged.
He hasn't farted
in front of his girlfriend yet.
Dude, what does that have
to do with anything, man?
You haven't farted
in front of your girlfriend.
You can't take
your relationship
to the next level, dude.
Yeah, I mean, like, Tom and I
are so close that only
has he farted in front of me,
like, I've seen him shit
down some guy's neck.
We should probably
get going, right?
Yeah, it's like a 20 minute
walk to the party, so...
20 minutes away?
Oh, my God, Cal, you can
sit down and rest on the way.
Come on, dude.
Let's go fuck this pig.
I'm like already tired.
Scribble dibble,
it's Meester live
from mother fucking Bob's.
We're looking for Jamie.
Oh, hey, Jamie, there she is.
Jamie!
Oh, I'll be right back.
Dude, are we Eskimo brothers?
Yeah, man.
Come on in, bro.
Good to see you.
Yo, lo...
Where the fuck you think
you guys are going?
Yo, we're with Jamie, bro.
Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?
She... she was right here.
Hey, man, you better
check yourself
before you biggety
wreck yourself.
What the fuck did you just say?
Nothing, dude,
I'm just kidding.
Damn straight, man, and I'm gonna
have to kick your fucking ass.
Do you have to?
Yeah, I have to.
Here's the thing.
If you let one fatty
freshman fuck with you
the shit's gonna
go on all year.
It's a matter of principle,
man.
Dude, I'm not really fat.
Yeah, and my dick
isn't 2 inches long.
Thanks God.
So you see, dude,
it's out of my hands, bro.
Hey, hey, hey, I didn't know
you were gonna be here.
Yeah, these two limp dicks
are my friends.
They're cool, right.
Shit, fellas, why didn't you
say you're with her?
I told you
we're with Jamie, bro.
Dude, who the fuck is Jamie?
Oh.
You two try not to get
your asses kicked.
Cherry, come with me.
Bye, boys.
But, Cherry, I need
to be watching you.
You got 1000 bucks to make me wait? No.
Then see you inside, suckers.
Yo, you two aren't
going anywhere.
No freshman, boys.
Hey, King Kong cock.
What about that girl?
Dude, the lady show
their titties, man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hong Kong.
Dude, a clown?
Dude, it's a party.
Who doesn't like clowns?
Dude, the world's
most interesting man, really?
Dude,
that's the school principal.
Dean.
I don't give a shit
what his name is.
Whoa, step back.
Get the fuck back.
Dude, you let those guys in?
Dude, that's the
gay mafia, dude.
The gay fucking mafia.
Oh, you got that stuff?
Oh, damn, oh, dude,
I got something for you.
Yeah?
Te-tee.
Oh, shizites.
Well, I'll tell you
what, you're in,
but your boyfriend
stays outside.
What?
Come on, dude.
Yeah.
Dude, Eskimo brothers.
Oh, dude, you guys
had sex with Jamie?
Yeah, dude, that's makes
us Eskimo brothers.
You know, guys that had sex
with the same girl, dude.
Eskimo brothers are even
tighter than frat bros, man.
You're good.
Oh, Eskimo.
Get in, man, get in.
Oh, oh, oh.
Dude, dude, you didn't tell me
you had sex with Jamie.
Oh, I didn't, bro.
But you just told everyone
that you did.
Yeah, it's called
saving your ass.
Right, but no one's gonna
think that you actually
had sex with Jamie.
Oh, you mean,
people are gonna think
I've had more sex
than I've actually have.
But, dude, now these people
are gonna actually think
that you slept with
her and, you know,
she might find out and feel...
Dude, talk to me
after you've actually finger
banged a girl, right?
We're at the
best party of the year
and I've only got
two things to do.
One, take care of Cherry.
Two, make sure we get laid.
Oh, my God,
I see titties. Later.
Here, let me fill that for you.
What?
Unbelievable.
Um...
It's okay, I don't bite.
Hi, I'm Phil.
Loosen up, Phil.
Sorry.
Oh, God,
you probably think I'm...
A nervous freshman
who probably doesn't know
anybody here.
Yeah, actually.
Let me be the first
to officially welcome you
to the campus party scene.
Well, thank you.
You know, I...
I didn't really think
there'd be anyone
so cool to talk to.
Hey, do either one of you want
to buy a white elephant tusk
for really cheap?
Either one of you,
white elephant tusk.
No, nothing?
White elephant tusk.
Hey, would you maybe,
I don't know,
want to head into the kitchen
and talk for a little bit?
Bro, what are you still
doing here?
It's like boob fest
3000 out there
and I lost Cherry.
If I don't find her, I'm
gonna get shit on and raped.
Shit raped, man.
Dude, I'm kind of right
in the middle of talking
to Polly here.
Dude, I need you now.
Okay, 5 minutes,
in the kitchen?
I'll be waiting.
Dude, that was Polly
fucking Wallace.
I'm not saying that just
to emphasize a point.
Her nickname is fucking.
Polly fucking Wallace, bro.
You're getting laid tonight.
Well, what are you
talking about, man?
I'm not trying
to get laid here.
That's what you think, dude.
She's a sure thing. Watch.
Bro, dude,
I just have one question.
Who here
is in my Eskimo network?
Who's had sex
with Polly Wallace?
Yeah, I did.
Absolutely.
Dude,
even the Dean's rocked it.
You're getting laid.
Dude, seriously,
all we're doing is talking.
No way, bro, she's cock crazy.
She gonna get you drunk
and ride you like a rodeo,
brother.
Whoo!
Now we go to go find Cherry.
Uh, but before
that I am going to stick
my penis in that
nice little girl walking by.
Phil, Cal, what's up, guys?
Hey, what's up, Hensen?
Fuck off, Hensen.
We can't be seen with you here.
You're a funny guy.
See you later.
Dude, that was for the best.
Fucking Hensen is a loser, bro.
When chicks see him
they get dry.
Now come on, go fucking
drain your nuts.
Dude, for the last time,
I'm not gonna fuck Polly.
You need to fuck Polly Wallace.
Go do some talking
with your dick,
don't be a fag.
What did you say?
Yeah, what did you say?
Yeah, what did you say?
Uh, I was just talking
to my buddy Phil here,
ot you ga... guys.
You think it's okay to say fag?
You better not have been
talking to me.
Look, he didn't mean
anything by it.
What exactly did he mean?
Yeah, what did he mean?
It's just a term of endearment.
Like when black people
call each other the "N" word
And just what "N" word
would that be?
Oh, yes, say it.
I think he's saying
that they're gay.
Yes.
We're gay.
We're gay, gay, gay, gay.
You're gay, honey?
You don't look gay.
I've been gay since '98.
Yeah, trust me, he's gay.
He's, like... like
my girlfriend and I'm the,
you know, like, the
boyfriend. Tweet-tweet.
Really?
Uh-huh.
Then kiss him.
What? Well, yeah, kiss him, kiss him.
Yeah, do that.
What?
Fuck, no way.
Look, we... we don't do
that in public, you know.
I just had garlic, man.
Yeah.
Kiss him!
Kiss him!
Okay, yeah.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Works for me.
Oh!
I told you faggots,
you made a cute couple.
I love homosexuals.
Dude, that was
really scary, man.
You put your tongue
in my mouth, dude.
Dude, what the hell
was I supposed to do?
It was the gay mafia.
It had to look realistic.
You'll clean my life out.
Hey.
Hey.
I've been waiting for you.
You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm fine.
It's just I think
I pounded that last drink
a little bit too quickly.
I could really stand to get
something in me right now, actually.
Oh, my God. I would love to get
a little something in me, too.
You know what sounds
really, really good?
Um, what's that?
Bacon.
I love bacon.
After that everything
pretty much went black.
I mean, that's all
I really remember.
Yeah, that's mostly right,
but I remember it
more like this.
No, dude, I'm gonna
stop you right there
'cause that is not
how shit went down.
Fine. Dude, I remember
as much as you remember.
I mean, someone slipped
something in our drinks
or some shit.
Well, dude, we got
to figure it out, all right,
because Beth's gonna be
here any minute
and I need to know if I slept
with Polly or not.
We know what happened, dude.
You laid the lumber.
I don't think so, man.
I think I'd remember sex.
We got dosed, man.
I don't even know
where Cherry is.
I'm probably moments away
from getting shit raped
and murdered by Mr. Tom.
I just... I need to know
what happened last night
for sure.
Oh, I get it, dude.
You don't want to
give her the syphilo,
the syphilitis.
No.
Yo, Cal!
Yo, Eskimo.
Uh, yo.
Yo.
Hey, I heard you needed
some help, man.
I brought Georgia here.
She's got like
a pornographic memory.
Photographic memory
and there's no such thing.
See, pretty and smart, huh.
Yeah, she is hot.
Hey, have you guys seen a phone? No.
Jesus, what happened
to your shoulder?
Look, don't worry about
my shoulder, George.
Okay, here's the fucking scoop.
Phil, his girlfriend's coming.
He woke up naked with
no clothes in bed with Polly
fucking Wallace.
Dude, you need a shot.
How is your dick?
A little bit of itching,
a little burning?
Can I see it?
No.
No, ma'am.
I don't feel comfortable
discussing my penis
with someone I just met.
I told you, bro,
you don't need an expert.
You're already
scratch-a-thon.
Dude, I don't need to scratch.
It's just 'cause you keep
putting that in my head.
Let's just get back to
what happened, all right.
Do you have any idea?
Oh, man, I don't remember much
because I was pretty trashed,
but here's what I remember.
It was me at the door
and wall to wall bitches,
every single one of them.
I love you, Beef.
Well, a lot of ladies do.
Just go ahead and wait
inside and stand in line
with the rest of them.
I'd wait all night if I had to.
I'm sure you would.
You sexy beast.
Yo, you two can't come in.
Oh.
Sorry, these two ass
monkeys are with me.
Hey, who is that hottie?
Oh, thanks, handsome.
Bye, boys.
But I thought she was...
What?
You thought she was with you?
Well, you know, once,
like, a long time ago.
No, dude, it just means that
you're in my Eskimo network,
you know, two guys
that are banging
the same girl, man.
It's all good.
Yeah, dude.
Whoo!
Glenn.
Glenn.
He tastes like beef jerky.
I do.
Glenn.
What?
Wait, I love you.
I love you.
Okay.
Glenn, come here, man.
Hmm?
Bye.
Who's that?
I don't know who that was.
Oh, man. Well, dude, you
up for a game of assketball?
You know it, brosef.
Hells yeah. Hey, Derek. Yo.
Come watch the door,
man, I'll be back in ten.
Oh, yeah.
Pussy central.
You're cute.
And you're just the
right amount of drunk.
Hey, Glenn,
give those M&Ms, man.
Hey, I got this for you.
What?
Just drink it.
I bet Meester here
can chug the whole thing
in under 5 seconds.
Don't make me pay him.
Chug it, Beef.
Oh, wow.
Hope you got
that for your stupid movie.
I did.
Oh, my God.
You have such amazing eyes.
My tits are down here, asshole.
Mother...
Hey, babe, it's me.
So I got the wedding
colors picked out already.
I think I'm gonna pick lavender
and white because,
you know, those are
my favorite colors.
Let me know what you think.
Bye.
Hey, man, what's up, Beef?
Hey, give us
some of that candy, man.
I can't, man, I got to use it
for something.
Use it?
What the fuck?
Hey, man, share some
of that candy.
Dude, this isn't
Casablanca babes,
Stop bogartin' the goddamn
candy and pass it out, man.
Hey, you want to get high?
Hell, man, there's a priest
molesting little boys,
hell yeah!
Hey, give them some candy.
Yeah, candy.
You know about stereotypes?
You know how that black guys
only like that white chicks?
What if black guys don't
really like fat white chicks
but they like frozen
Snickers bars,
and fat white chicks always
has frozen Snickers bars?
That shit is racist, man.
Hey, man, you're fucking
racist, mother fucker.
Hey, Jamal, what did
you get on your SATs?
I don't know, man,
barbeque sauce.
Oh, there she is.
Fuck you asshole face.
And I want my abortion
money tonight.
Yeah, asshole face.
Yo, man, I never
went inside her, man.
I went in her eyes.
She probably didn't see
that coming.
What happened?
Hey, man, who listens
to music in a party, dude?
Hey, man, give me more candy.
I can't, man, I need it
for something, man.
Come on, Glenn,
let's get out of here
and get that little pudwacker.
Thanks for the weed, guys.
All right stereotypical
white dude.
Hold on, man, hold on, hold on.
All jokes aside, man,
where the fuck is our bong?
Oh, shit,
where is our bong, man?
It disappeared.
Do you guys want
to buy this bong for $50?
Oh, yeah, yeah,
we'll buy it, ma'am.
Awesome.
I got $60 right here.
Good.
Thank you.
Can I get my change please?
I don't do change.
I'm so sorry.
It's just like our old one.
Oh, my God, Tiffany.
My name is not Tiffany.
It's Cherry, you bitch.
Oh!
Look at your face.
Die, dog, die.
I think it's broken.
This is a decimal right here.
Hey, Phil, it's me again.
So I was thinking
we should go out
to a really
nice restaurant tomorrow
and I think
it'll be really cool
if you propose to me again
in front of everyone.
Doesn't that sound awesome?
Okay, call me back, babe.
So my doctor strongly advised
that I should get my penis
reduction sooner,
rather than later.
Yeah.
What's your name?
Pilar.
Pilar, I'm Cal.
Hi.
Guess what?
We should really get you
out of these wet clothes.
You know what,
I bet your dad was a thief
because he stole
the stars in the skies
and put them in your eyes.
My daddy was shot
and killed while stealing
from a jewelry store,
you asshole.
What the...
Is everyone okay up there?
Yeah, but you shot a dog.
Oh, it's not my first.
Is it still alive?
Yeah, it's still moving.
How about now?
Yeah, that did it, it's dead.
Just put the bottle down, man.
Hey, why don't we go do a tarot
reading. I'll charge you, but...
Do you know how degrading
it is to come to a party
where you're hired as a clown
and find your ex girlfriend
here with someone?
You cheated
on me multiple times
with the moms
from your birthday party gigs.
You back off, man.
Oh, my God.
My hero.
I am gonna take such
good care of you. Rawr!
Now somebody get that
clown the hell out of here.
So that was weird.
I thought it was
pretty cool what he did.
Well, I mean, I totally
could have kicked that
clown's ass, but, you know,
Phil had the sitch
under control.
Mm.
My sorority sisters are
waiting for me upstairs,
let's go.
Oh, hell yeah.
I really want
to screw that guy.
Me too.
Okay, well,
your lifeline is very short,
but there's nothing I can
really do about that, all right?
Do you have
any other questions?
Um, what about my love life?
Your love life?
Okay.
Well, I hate to tell you this,
but your boyfriend
is fucking everybody.
Everybody, he fucks
everything with vagina.
I know.
It's terrible.
Are you kidding me?
He's supposed to be
at bible study.
Bible study? No.
He is not at bible study.
No, no. You know what
I would do if I were you?
I would find the ugliest,
most repulsive
looking person at this party
and screw him.
Thank you.
I will.
Is this marijuana
you're smoking?
Is this marijuana, you're...
yes.
Why?
I'm not comfortable with you
smoking drugs around us.
Okay, come here.
Closer.
Say please.
Please.
All right, why don't
we all move on
to the Ouija board?
Okay?
This is not
what I was expecting.
Oh! Ooh.
Rusty coke pipes,
that means it's time to switch
to heroin everybody.
Take over.
I'm gonna go find a bathroom.
Jamie, hi.
Hello, Jamie.
So Cherry's got you guys
playing with the dark hearts,
huh?
We're gonna Ouija.
Actually I have a question.
Um, will I have sex
with Elaine?
Yes, I will.
You did that, totally.
No, no, that wasn't me.
Um, here let me try again.
Will I have sex with Marilyn?
Yes, I will.
You did that.
No, I swear it wasn't me.
Will I have sex with Jamie?
No.
Will I have a threesome
with Elaine and Marilyn?
Yes, I will.
Wow.
Oh, my God, I think
it actually moved that time.
You guys know that
whatever the Ouija board says
you have to do, no matter
how freaky or kinky or gross,
you have to do it.
It's like a thing, like a law.
It's true.
Oh, my God, really?
Yeah.
I guess we have to do it then.
Sounds like
we should get a room.
Mm.
Let's go.
All right, I'm gonna
find us a room.
Sex, sex, sex, sex,
sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Do you know,
my boyfriend thinks that
he is the only one
whom he gets to play.
Well, I'll show him.
Yes!
Oh, I can't believe
this is actually happening.
No, it sure is, Peter!
It's Cal.
Ow.
Oh!
This isn't working.
Move over.
Yes.
Get up you fat phone!
Right, so wiggle a little so
I can pull your pants off.
Oh, shit.
Red alert! Red alert!
Oh, shit. I'm sorry,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Let me get a condom and a
towel, we'll try over again.
Oh, fuck.
Please give me a condom.
There's a drunk chick in there.
I'm going to testify
that she was sober.
Dude, I don't use condoms, man.
Go, go check the bathroom.
Okay, okay.
Uh, I will find us
a room, let's go.
Oh, this so works.
Hold on.
Oh, bro.
Ladies, hold on.
Dude.
Hey, what the fuck? I
was taking a shit, man.
Come on.
Who shits with the door open?
Okay, ladies, hold on, hold on.
Oh, my God I swear
I will find us a room.
I will.
Please I need you you in there
like fucking stat.
Oh, wait.
Come on, get in here.
What?
Where?
What?
Oh, dude, thanks for
sharing, man. Sharing?
Don't you know
who the fuck this is?
This is Mr. Tom's wife.
Oh, fuck, dude.
I don't want anything to do
with this shit, man.
It's too late, bro.
I'm supposed to be
watching her.
Mr. Tom's gonna be
here any minute.
If she dies, I die
and then bonus,
I get shit raped.
Oh, fuck you, dude.
You keep this bitch alive.
If I see Mr. Tom
I'll distract him.
Fake ass Eskimo brother.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
Goddamn it.
Mr. B is on move.
What?
Later with that.
Oh, my God, you're Mr. Belding
from Saved by the Bell.
Well, actually
my name is Dennis Haskins
but I did play
Mr. Belding.
Yeah, I know, I know.
You're like my hero.
I got this.
I need some advice.
Okay, shoot.
All right.
I'm really drunk right now
and inside the bathroom
is a drug dealer's wife.
Mr. Tom's wife
is in there.
She may have overdosed
and she may be dead.
What do I do?
You got a beeper?
No.
Rotary dial phone?
No.
VCR, VHS,
maybe a floppy disk,
eight track.
Zack phone, pencil, paper clip.
Help me out here.
No, this isn't the '90s, bro.
I don't have any of that stuff.
Well, looks like
you're in quite a predicament
and I'm not gonna be
able to help you.
But, you know what though?
I suggest
that you drink this really fast
and then pass out.
Yeah.
Uh.
Thanks, Mr. Belding...
I mean, Dennis.
And...
that's all I remember.
Dude,
Mr. Belding was not there.
No, Mr. Belding,
no Zack Morris,
o Jessy Spano, bro.
Dude, that's all
I remember, man,
except waking up
next to this angel.
You know,
I prefer Tinkerbell, baby.
All right, guys, listen.
Me, Polly, no memory.
Girlfriend coming to town.
Can we please
just stay on track?
Hey-ho,
pick up your phone
Oh.
Dude, Brah Man.
What's up, dude?
Hey, dude, I'm here
with Cal and Phil, man.
You remember Mexican Jonah Hill
and Neil Patrick Harris?
No, dude, he looks like
walking HIV, dude.
I was thinking, man...
Man, he's either in the movie
Philadelphia
or we need to go
to the hospital right now,
you know.
Yeah, dude, you remember me,
right, Brah Man.
I'm the one you
kept calling Chia Pet.
Wait, no, you're the one that
looks like a gigantic frijole
with an afro bro, right?
Well, that's me.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, man, I totally
remember those guys, man.
We were at the party,
dude and it's like...
it was a complete tit fest,
dude, and we were getting high...
And these extreme
astrophysical effects
can lead to short
bursts of fusion
and that's my first lesson
in fusion science.
Oh, my God.
You are the smartest man ever.
Thank you.
And the sexiest.
Yeah, I am.
Hey, you're my greatest
customer ever. I never do this.
But here's a rebate check
for $20,000
and I also want to give you
these beautiful ladies.
Oh, my God.
Brah Man, you're the coolest man
in our solar system.
Yeah, Brah Man,
you're beautiful inside and out.
I sure am.
Yes, um,
that's all I remember, man.
Dude, that is not
how anything happened.
Are you fucking kidding me?
This guy probably
can't even drive straight.
Fuck you, man,
I'm not an idiot.
I'm Asian, dude.
I'm smarter than you, man.
Fuck you and your fucking
lumber cut Beatle's haircut.
Hey, man, fuck you, you walking
big brown piece of shit, man.
I know Yakuza, bro.
Oh, shit.
Mother fucker, fuck.
Talk to me like that...
Well, it sounds like
you're fucked.
Or at least
you were last night.
Get thee to a healer
before the burning starts, man.
Jamie.
Meester, cute outfit.
Oh, scribble dibble.
You guys see a video camera?
I can't find it.
No, I haven't seen it
but have you seen a phone
by chance?
You shit stains, I told you
to stay out of trouble.
One party and you need
your momma to come here
and wipe your asses?
Me-me-me!
Jamie, just please
tell us what happened.
Okay.
I'll tell you what happened.
First your daddy
forgot to pull out.
Then he dropped
in your fucking head
a couple of times.
And then he forgot to teach you
how to man up and drink a beer.
And now I have to come here
and clean up this entire mess.
So Phil's girlfriend
will leave everyone
on campus the fuck alone.
Oh, Beth, is she here?
Apparently, she's already
torn up the entire dorms
looking for you.
Now I'm fucked.
Fucked.
What's the problem?
Well, according
to Beef over there,
Phil stuck his dick
in a VD cocktail last night.
Beef?
Beef?
Needledick the bug fucker
was completely fucking
trash last night.
Hey, so were you.
I was with Meester all night
and we were only half trashed.
So together we can totally
piece together the real deal.
It's true.
So, Helen Keller.
Need a braille book?
What the fuck happened?
Yeah!
This is how shit went down.
I showed up at the party
looking insanely gorgeous.
I mean, seriously amazing.
Jamie, Jamie.
You two pricks wait here
for one second.
Did you get the stuff?
Yeah, sure.
Not that, you fuck,
with the money.
Oh. Yeah, yeah,
sure thing, yeah.
Oh, we're with Jamie, bro.
Pricks.
I'll be right back.
Okay, see you inside.
Okay.
Beef, they're my friends.
Oh, Jamie,
these guys are with you?
I didn't know that.
Of course, they're welcome.
Of course, they're welcome.
You're the best.
Aww. You guys try not to get
your asses kicked, just try.
I thought you knew
we were with Jamie.
Ow!
Jamie.
Hey.
Be sure that door is locked.
If somebody walks in,
the price doubles.
Okay.
Locked.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
Ladies and gentlemen...
who am I kidding?
The only people watching
this are frat guys.
All right, let's get it moving,
Seacrest.
You've seen the rest,
now check out the best.
The most insane thing
you've ever seen in your life.
Okay, are you ready,
we're rolling?
Yeah, we're rolling.
All right, perfect.
Bring me a beer.
All right.
Meester.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Holy shit, I had no idea.
I just thought
you wanted more beer.
Oh, give me a hug,
girl, this is amazing.
Hold on a sec, cowboy,
o hugging till the talent
gets her pants on.
Oh, you know I'm gay, right?
Yeah, I just didn't want you
to get all perioded on.
All right.
Oh, my there's some of
your junk in the cup.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Let's go a two-fer
on the YouTube delights
for tonight.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Come on.
Okay, so let's see who
we can get to drink the menses?
Who the fuck calls it menses?
It's called...
Oh, shit.
There he is.
I'm gonna teach this jizz-bucket
to tell people he fucked me.
What?
Hey, I got you this.
What?
I was playing beer pong
and I won
and I wanted you to drink it.
I wasn't even in the game.
I told you he'd be too chicken
shit just to drink one beer.
Show you.
Oh, oh-ho, this shot.
Wet balls in the face.
Yeah, well, you got
that for your stupid video.
Oh, we did.
It so worked.
Oh, my God,
I just cut this girl's hair off.
Nobody's phone?
It's a pretty crazy night, huh?
Yeah, right.
Um, I should probably, like,
go find Cherry
before she shoots somebody
or something crazy like that.
I've known Cherry a long time.
She'll be okay.
You know, I want
to tell you something.
This is like
the coolest night of my life.
No, you're actually
a pretty cool guy
when you're not running around
trying impress everybody.
Or make everybody
think you're a stud.
Oh, my God.
Come here, you have to see this. Okay.
Phew!
Phil, every single time
you don't pick up the phone
that's another year that
you're waiting to have sex.
Are you prepared
to wait that long?
Because it's been
about 20 calls now.
Better call me back,
sweet cheeks.
Ugh!
Please have sex with me.
Um, have you seen us?
Yeah, we wouldn't let you
videotape us making out.
Okay, what about...
what about...
Let me just see one nipple.
Can I suck your elbow
skin with my eyes closed?
It'll feel the same.
Okay, can I feel your foot?
Um, yeah, sure.
Oh!
Oh...
Yo, anybody know
a bitch named Beth?
Philip, what the fuck?
Pick up your phone right now.
I'm so goddamn angry.
Oh!
Jamie.
Don't forget
to pull out there, buddy.
Yeah!
Hey, look out!
Jamie.
Hello, Cheeba.
Jamie.
Cheeba.
Jamie.
Where's Mr. Tom?
I'm right here, Cheeba.
Look what I found
which is a fucking crossbow.
Mr. Tom, oh, shit.
Cal, my friend.
Where's my wife?
She's dead... tired.
She's fine, man.
She was talking about
how much she loves you.
You guys are like
the best couple.
You're a good man.
How are you, Cheeba?
I'm good, man.
I see you still got monkey boy.
I do.
Hi, Cheeba.
You didn't teach him English?
Who has time
to teach English, right?
You got my stuff?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You got my money?
Yes. I'd like to see
the stuff first.
Eh.
I want to see the money.
Where the fuck am I?
Tom...
Ah!
I'm dead for a minute
and now I'm alive.
Hey, Cheeba,
why you pointing a gun at Tom?
No, bad boy.
Cherry, back off.
I will fucking kill you.
Yeah, Mr. Cheeba.
Mr. Tom is my friend.
Put it down or else...
Or else what?
Shoot me with a bow and arrow?
It's a compound crossbow.
I got this, Cal.
No, just put down
the crossbow, Cal,
the arrow's just gonna
piss him off even more.
Drop that gun, Cheeba.
Yeah, Miss Cal's one of us.
He's gay?
I almost had sex with him.
Cal is gay? All right, back
up, everybody, right now!
Put it down, Cheeba!
I'm in love with her.
You're in love with me?
Oh, my God, that is
so fucking sweet, baby.
He's bisexual?
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
Put it down or I will shot you.
I'll shit rape your body, dude.
On the count of three.
Ooh, shit rape.
One!
I got this, Cal.
I got this.
Two.
No, no, no, nobody
shit raping anybody.
Three.
Come on.
Come on, are we good?
Are you kidding me?
Shit rape, really?
I know. What the fuck...
Get over here.
Oh, God.
I'm glad you didn't shoot me.
I know.
Me too, right?
And fucking Dean.
Hey, bro.
I left you
at the Statue of Liberty, man.
How did you get down here?
I used a balloon.
Did you? I fucking love you, bitch.
Fucking love you too, bitch.
Hey, are we good?
Yeah, we're good.
This,
it's filled with appletini.
Hey, you guys,
who here wants to be my fan?
You want to go make out sometime? Sure.
Then Cal, you tried to kiss me
and then you passed out.
So I made sure
you weren't bleeding
and then I went home.
I can't believe it.
I'm just so embarrassed.
Oh.
This shit is wrong.
You made me drink your period.
Scribble dibble.
No, not scribble dibble, man.
What the fuck
is scribble dibble?
Did anyone see my dog?
Oh, no, bro.
It's weird.
And then I went home to google,
to see if there was a way
that you could live
with an arrow in your shoulder
or if we had to put you down.
Well, what did you
find out, doctor?
Well, I found out
that all I have to do
is take it nice
and hard and rip it out.
Ow!
Oh, God.
That smarts.
That was like some American
Indian type shit. Oh...
That was like
one with the earth, like...
You fucking made me
drink your menses.
Seriously, what is
with the all this menses talk?
Is this like a 1950s
paper doll sex ed class?
And, honestly, Beef,
you deserve it.
That's what you get
for telling everybody
that we fucked.
Okay, so somebody
Scooby-doo me.
Who the hell
fricking juiced us?
It was Cherry.
She said she doesn't
like to be baby-sat.
Listen, guys, we're getting off
point here, all right.
We've figured out everything
except for whether or not
I slept with Polly.
So what... what are you...
what are you worried about?
I don't know how to find out
whether or not
I actually slept
with her, okay.
And I need to figure it out
before my girlfriend,
soon-to-be fianc
gets here.
You couldn't...
Why don't you just ask her?
Uh, uh, I don't know.
That's weird. You
can't just do that, Bob.
You want me to ask her?
No, no, no, thank you, man.
All right, I respect you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Polly?
- What are you doing?
- Yeah?
No, no, no.
Can you come in here?
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
Hey...
everybody.
What is this, some kind
of extended after party?
Phil here...
partied hard last night
and he's wondering
if he partied hard
inside of you.
Phil?
Polly, I'm sorry, okay.
I just... I wanted to know
what happened.
Well, first off,
Bob, your dog Molly is dead.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
I got to tell you, I mean,
she had cancer really bad.
Cancer of her ovaries.
Oh.
I didn't even know
dog had ovaries.
Me neither.
So I'm glad
she went peacefully.
Well, here's what happened.
We were all standing
around the beer pong table
in the living room
and my ex Dave
just showed up...
Whoa!
Why, why would you
mess with a girl?
Polly.
Polly, you broke my heart.
We need to talk.
Back off, Clown.
They're with me.
This is between me and her.
Oh, yeah?
Is everyone okay up there?
Yeah, but you shot a dog.
Oh, my God.
I love dogs.
Oh, fuck.
Bro, dude, you really whacked
the shit out of that guy.
Oh, dude, I didn't mean to.
Can you do me a favor, man?
Take him back to the dorm
and make sure
he finds his pants.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hey, Glenn.
Yeah.
He smells amazing, doesn't he?
Yeah, his face
smells like crayons.
You okay, bro?
Yeah, I'm okay, Hensen, thanks.
Hey, could you
do me a favor, man,
and make sure they actually
get him back to the dorms?
By the way, I want
to introduce you to Rachel.
She is my...
I'm his new girlfriend.
Oh.
She's a contortionist.
I'm a contortionist.
You want to see me
do the puzzle?
I do.
I do, I do.
Oh, are you okay?
Oh, I just feel...
I feel a little, oh.
Oh. Oh, my gosh.
Okay, come with me.
I'm gonna
take care of you, okay?
Thanks.
Why is it going straight
to voicemail, Phil?
Call me back now.
Look, Dave is an okay guy.
He's just a little confused.
Yeah.
I think we all are.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I'm so...
I'm sorry.
No. It's okay.
It's just, you know,
I thought you got a girlfriend.
Oh God, Beth.
I'm just...
I proposed to her
and she's coming here tomorrow.
So why aren't you sure?
It seems like
it's the only thing
that's really gonna
make her happy.
Does it make you happy?
I don't think it does.
You know, you should
never settle in your life, Phil.
Oh, God.
Look, if you ever want
to talk about anything,
you know...
Oh!
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
You done?
I think so.
Oh God, I'm devastated.
Oh, God.
Why, because you farted
in front of me?
Hey, look, look, ready?
See?
I did it, too, it's no biggie.
Oh, okay, mister.
It's time to get you
cleaned up and into bed.
Oh, you are not in good shape.
Okay.
Up, up, up.
All right.
Oh, God.
Bro.
Come on.
Okay, yep.
Oh, God.
All right.
All right.
Oh. Phil.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You know what?
Why don't we just do it
under the covers instead?
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
Kind of gross.
Okay.
Um, listen, I'm gonna be
right back, just stay here.
Okay?
All right.
Philip, you're supposed
to be worshiping me.
I'm supposed to be your god.
The only above me is Jesus.
You need to call your
future wife back right now.
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Hey.
Hey.
I've got a shirt, pants
and underwear
with vomit on them.
You want to help me out?
You're gonna wash them?
Yeah.
I don't know
where the laundry room is.
You're in it.
Oh, fuck.
I thought that was a robot.
Doesn't it look like a robot?
A little bit.
All right.
Well, cool.
I'm about to do
a load of pukey pants myself.
Thank you.
Now if you don't mind,
I'm gonna go to Jupiter.
Oh, what the fuck, man.
It's like fucking skunk shit.
All right, look,
I'll see you later.
Oh, I don't know why
that's funny.
What the fuck is this, man?
This is fucking crack.
Fuck! I'm gonna be
fucking paranoid.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, your clothes
are in the wash, all right?
They'll be ready
in the morning.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna lay down next to you,
so you don't choke
on your own vomit
in the middle of the night.
Why are you...
You think I'm gonna let you blow
chunks on my clothes, too?
But, listen, no funny business.
If you try anything,
I'm going to punch you
square in the nuts
and then I'm not gonna be
your friend anymore.
Okay?
Can you move?
Okay.
Hey, could you
turn off the light?
That's pretty much
what happened.
See, dude, I told you.
I knew I did not have sex.
Okay, you don't have to sound
so excited about it.
Well, he was just concerned
that he'd get
a case of the crotch rot
because, you know.
Because of what?
Oh, you know
what the kids call it today,
you know, a trollop.
You know, a hussy.
You're a slut.
You know,
all the guys on this campus
just love to talk about
how much sex you've all had.
Guilty, guilty for sure.
Indeed.
Wait, so, Polly,
do you mean that...
No.
Not that it's any of
your goddamn business,
but no I haven't had sex
with anyone on this campus.
A couple of years ago,
I went off to a band camp
and this guy there liked me,
but this girl liked him.
So she started a rumor saying
that I was a big old slut.
Polly is the cleanest chick
on campus,
spick and span.
You can eat off her vagina.
Thank you, Bob.
Polly, I'm sorry.
Um...
listen, I...
Oh, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
I need to ask you if,
I don't know,
maybe we can start over.
Oh-ew!
Oh.
I've been looking
all over for you.
Beth. You?
You?
Polly fucking Wallace.
Bitch-breath
backdoor Beth.
Oh, wait a second.
You two know each other?
I cannot believe, Phil,
that your girlfriend
is backdoor Beth.
Phil, she just doesn't want us
to be here, let's go.
This is the bitch
from band camp.
We all called her
backdoor Beth.
You want to know why?
Why?
She didn't even wait
for orientation to end
before her backend
was open for business.
No, I said in my butt only.
What's up?
Oh, yeah, keep going.
Oh, it's my first time
in the butt with a black guy.
It's great.
Excuse me, hold on.
Do you need something?
Hurry up, bro.
Polly, what the fuck.
You never knock,
you dumb bitch.
Your friend gonna join us?
No.
Get the fuck out.
What's wrong with you?
I said leave.
So were you like
born with a penis?
No, it's just
a really big clit.
You get the fuck out!
Was crazy.
That summer she had
more dongs in her ass
than a Chinese phonebook.
Oh.
Oh, damn.
It was just one summer
and technically
I'm still a virgin.
I mean, I saved my front end
engines just for you.
I call foul there.
Shut up, Cal!
Nobody asked you.
Beth, we were together
when you left for band camp.
Let's, um,
let's just get out of here
and go talk about of it,
shall we?
I don't care how many guys
you've had in your butt.
You don't?
You don't?
He may not,
but Jesus does, Beth.
No, I don't,
because I've realized
something.
I know what I want now.
And it's not you.
What?
If I were to stay with you,
then I'd just be settling
and I don't want to settle.
But, Phil...
No, Beth, I'm sorry but no.
But look,
no hard feelings, okay?
Let's try
and stay friends, okay?
And actually I know
how much you love sweets,
so I got you
some special chocolates.
Do you have those special
chocolates I got for Beth?
Yeah, yeah, they're right here.
You know how much
you like sweets, babe.
And I had these special
chocolates imported just for you.
So why don't you
just head back home
and we'll just talk
when we talk.
Okay?
Um, well...
Wow, these are great, thanks.
And this will...
this will all blow over.
And I'll pray for us.
Okay?
Bye.
Good-bye, Beth.
Peace be with you, Beth.
Enjoy the wafers.
Bye, Beth.
Oh, dude, that was
so instant revenge. Oh, my God.
She better not get ass
cancer from those candies, bro.
Dude, no.
It was petty, it was mean,
it was stupid and it felt
really fucking good. Yes!
I mean this doesn't
answer about Phil's nuts.
What about them?
Well, I mean, if he didn't
the hoochie coochie from you
then why has he been scratching
like there's no tomorrow?
Last night
after we went to bed,
we heard gunshots
and then Mr. Tom and Cherry
came running up
into the room
and you told Mr. Tom
that you guys were BFF for life
and started talking
to him about baseball.
And then he asked you
if you wanted
a baseball tattoo on your pubes
and you were like,
"Fuck, yeah. "
So you have a new tattoo.
It's actually
pretty fucking cool.
Well, this is getting
a little weird.
Come on, Georgia.
Meester, let's go talk
about our friendship.
I've never
had a gay friend before.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know
if you've official met Georgia.
She's my...
I'm his girlfriend.
Girlfriend.
Oh, nice Adam's apple.
All right, ass clowns,
I'm out of here.
Jamie, wait.
I just want to talk to you
for a second.
I feel like a douche
because last night in the party
I told everybody
that I loved you.
And I know now
that what I should've done
is taken you aside like this
and told you that
you're the first girl
I've ever really liked.
And ever since I first saw you,
I haven't been able
to stop thinking about you.
And I know
that you would never feel
that way about some...
about somebody like me.
Well, first of all,
don't tell me how I feel.
And second, why don't you
take me out to breakfast
so we can talk about it?
Yes.
Thank you again for taking
such good care of me last night.
Hey, it's okay.
I actually kind of liked it.
I really took to heart
what you said
about not settling.
I don't want to settle.
I want to find someone
who loves me for me,
someone who respects me,
someone...
someone who doesn't
tell me what to do,
asks me what to do.
We all do, Phil.
Oh, oh.
Wow.
I think that might have been the
greatest kiss of my entire life.
Me too.
Oh.
There you go, man.
Coffee and duds.
Perfect.
That's my finger.
All right.
Sorry.
I need it.
Well, well, Phil, now
that we've kissed,
I think it's time
for you to meet my dad.
Oh, whoa.
Let's slow down
there right, man?
Phil,
I would like you
to meet my father, Bob.
Hey, little guy.
Her nickname is fucking.
Polly fucking Wallace, bro.
As in mother fucking Bob.
His name's
probably not Mr. Tom.
It's probably Keyser Soze.
It's just a college party.
MF Bob, just...
it's like a campus legend.
Let me be the first
then to officially welcome
you to the campus.
You want some bacon?
Polly, I'm talking
about a campus legend.
Oh, I'm going
to MF Bob's house tonight.
I love bacon.
Bob?
Bob is your dad?
And this is your house?
Yes.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry about your mug, sir.
We are family.
He's a good one, daddy.
Oh, I see that, babe.
Hey, Bob.
Uh...
Cherry has something
she wants to say to you, man.
Hey, I'm really sorry
I shot your dog.
I got this little guy
from the shelter this morning.
He's so cute.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
I love dogs so much.
It's all right.
I know you killed my dog,
but she was going to be
put down today anyway.
I wasn't going to shoot her.
I would've had her put down
professionally with a needle.
But, hey,
you saved me in the trouble.
Really?
Yeah.
So what now?
What do we do now,
is we just see
if this little puppy
likes bacon.
Who doesn't like bacon?
Crazy boys, such crazy boys
Crazy boys, so crazy boys
Crazy boys, such crazy boys
Crazy boys
Such crazy boys, crazy boys
So crazy boys, so crazy
Such crazy
I said,
"stop, leave me alone"
"Cause I ain't got time
to put up with the tone
Too busy dreaming
I'm the best
So sorry, Mr. West,
but my video would have won
If it only did exist
Boy, boy you're crazy
Girl, girl, I know
I keep battling your demon
You okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
All right.
Wait, no, no.
Tell me, what is it?
Well, there's
something in here.
Oh, my God,
this is Meester's camera.
No, it isn't.
Yes.
Oh, my God, put it on.
All right, all right, yes.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
So Georgia, you just
cut the aorta right here
and there his heart.
Yeah!
You see it.
I'm kidding, I'm not actually
gonna eat your heart.
I'll put it back.
I'll put it back.
Don't you worry.
Oh!
I just made another mistake,
I'm really sorry.
You see, I told you
if you drain it fast,
you will pack up.
Yeah.
Cheers, boys.
Now do yours.
Georgia!
Georgia!
Come here.
Dog is so cute.
Is everyone okay up there?
Hey.
Is that Kevin Smith?
Got me.
I don't know.
Good party though.
Great party.
You know the problem is,
Bob's gonna be pissed,
because Cherry messed up
his whole house.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Let's get on.
Hey, are you filming us?
Oh. Yeah.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Now!
Now!
Hey, give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money.
Give me the money. Oh!
All right, do it, do it,
do it, do it, do it, do it.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, my God.
Phil here
partied hard last night.
You know how we all party.
He partied hard.
And he's wondering
if he partied
hard inside of you.
God, I mean,
am I ever gonna figure out
how I got this freaking
wooden arrow in my neck?
Wait, wait, wait.
Well, how do I know?
Like when they stand up
they look like the letter ten...
Well, letter ten.
- Number ten.
- Quiet.
Now what the fuck
is the noise about?
Oh!
Goddamn it, why is there noise?
I'm not really that bad.
That's a baby pig,
Oh. Oh.
That makes me sad.
No, man, because,
it's like a little pig and...
Take two.
He's making me laugh.
I thought you were
at the Britney Spear's concert.
How the fuck
did you get out of there?
I was supposed to take her
to the vet this morning
to put her down.
Now you don't have to.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I was about...
I guess it saved me the trip.
She had...
she had sickle cell anemia.
Ooh.
Yeah, it's weird.
That's rough.
She was a black lab.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Mexican Jonah Hill
and the guy
that looks like the dude
from the eating out movies.
Okay.
Oh!
Phil, Carl, what's up, bros?
Cal...
How you doing, bro?
Dude, I left you 50 foot
under by that sunken treasure.
How the fuck did you get up
without another tank of oxygen?
Dude, I can hold
my breath forever.
No, shit.
Oh, yeah.
Let me practice
that right now, goddamn it.
I've just woke up...
Just say you want to know
who you fucked.
Get it out.
He totally put his pig
in your blanket.
That's enough.
Polly?
Why don't you just ask me?
I would.
I should cut.
I will cut next time,
that's your job.
I apologize.
I'll go all the way through.
I'll go all the way through.
I'm so sorry, Dante, I love you.
It's okay.
Fuck, man.
I thought you were
doing America's race.
You're in the
fucking catamaran.
I thought you were in Tahiti.
Well, hold on. You think
it was anal or vaginal?
Excuse me? It's definitely
anal with this guy.
Hey.
Last time I saw you,
you were giving
Miley Cyrus a buzz cut.
So were you like
born with a penis?
You get the fuck out!
Fuck.
25 fucking years, I still
burn my fucking thumb.
You're gonna...
you're gonna get.
This is why I like fruit.
I hate this shit.
Bitch, take your lunch break.
Chop, chop, let's go.
What's up, man?
How you guys been?
What's up, Hensen?
Fuck off, Hensen,
and my name's Cal
for Christ's sake.
Get the fuck out of here.
Was her tail,
still connected when she died?
Because there's people
that steal tail,
they're called tail thieves,
off a dead dog carcass.
Last time I saw you,
you were on top
of the Arc d'Triumph,
How the fuck did you get...
Is that, I'm sorry,
was that a fuck one
or a regular one?
You can say fuck.
You kill me every time.
Step in, step out.
I don't want to talk to you.
Well, I'm sure
you don't, but...
I don't want to talk
to no dog killer.
I know I killed your dog
but I feel really bad
and that's why I got this dog
from the shelter this morning.
It's like a peace offering.
It's not even
the same kind of dog.
Look how cute it is. Don't you
want to hold it for a second?
Yeah, but you made my dog Alpo.
But I feel bad, that's why
I'm bringing you this one.
Maybe we should take
this one and kill it.
See how you feel.
Whatever you want to do,
I don't care.
I'm just trying to be nice.
You disgust us.
What?
Let's go.
You know what,
fuck them, let's go.
You know what, fuck you people.
Fuck you.
Fuck off.
The dog looks like you.
These mother fuckers.
And Daniel here
is wondering...
Phil.
Phil.
Here we go again.
Ten baby rabbits.
Whole family
is dying in a fire.
That's hilarious.
Now it's gonna make me laugh.
That's good.
Oh.