Broads Abroad (2022) Movie Script

(synthesized music)
(drums beating)
(logo whooshing)
(upbeat music)
- [Kiki] "Broads Abroad: A
Comedy and Travel Special."
Laugh out loud in paradise.
This is how it all started.
We all needed a vacay,
so when we were asked to
do a comedy show,
we came up with the bright idea.
Let's go to my home country.
Dominican Republic,
a wondrous island in the
heart of the Caribbean.
This country is more than
500 years old.
We have the first cathedral,
the first university,
the first hospital,
and yes, even the first
bar in the new world.
So I convinced the girls,
we packed our bathing suits,
grabbed our sunscreens
and headed to Punta Cana.
Though the island is filled
with extraordinary
natural wonders,
the biggest wonder is why
is everybody so happy here?
(Caribbean music)
(engines whirring)
(truck beeping)
(luggage wheels spinning)
- So happy to be here.
(indistinct celebrations)
- We ready. We made it.
- Whew.
Body-ody-ody
- come on. Ah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.
- Where's Kiki? Where's Kiki?
Kiki?
- Where's she at?
She's supposed to be here.
- She's never on time.
- [Kiki] Everybody that knows me
knows that I would
never get to the airport
to pick up anyone on time,
but at least I send the driver.
- She'll be here.
She'll be here.
Kiki
'Cause she love us
- Kiki.
And she ridin'
She'll never ever
leave us at the airport
Or we'll kill her
On the spot
She gonna get us
soon all right?
(Caribbean music)
(dance music)
- Come on guys. You
gotta take this serious.
These aquatic
exercises are awesome.
- I don't need it.
- I'm serious.
- I don't need it.
- Yeah I'm serious.
We gotta work off our
abs for the show.
- I don't need, 'em.
Talk to carb monster over there,
that's who needs all
the exercises
- I don't need to exercise.
- Oh my God. Okay.
I give up on this one. Let's go.
Let's do some pushups and
leg kicks, okay?
- [Crystal] Yep.
- One, two, three, four, five,
and now kick your legs.
Kick your legs. Move over.
Move over. Kick your legs.
Kick, kick.
While we were doing our
aquatic exercises,
Vicki noticed something
curious and very cool.
Move over. Kick your legs.
Kick, kick, kick.
- [Crystal] Why am I
the only one doing it?
- [Kiki] Two, three. Come on.
Come on, Vicki.
- That's Rene. That's
Rene from "The Connors".
"The Connors"
- Rene Rosado?
- That's him. I know it is him.
- No.
- Nah.
- [Vicki] Yes it is. It's him.
- It's delusions from
all the bread.
- Rene. Rene.
Hey. Hey.
Hey. Hey.
Can we do a photo?
- Is that you?
- I have no idea what you're
talking about but it's nice.
It's really nice to
meet you. Sorry ladies.
- No.
(water splashes)
- [Rene] You've got
the wrong guy.
- Calm down, Vicki.
- You got the wrong guy.
- [Kiki] Calm the-
(water splashing)
- Nice to meet you.
- Is that really you?
- I don't know what
(indistinct) is. I'm sorry.
- Show us the red mark on
your left cheek. Prove it.
(upbeat music)
(audience cheering)
- How y'all doing today?
(audience cheers)
Yes.
My name's Rene Rosado.
I'm gonna be your host
for "Broads Abroad".
(audience cheers)
Now, before we get the
show started,
I wanna share a little
something with you about me.
So my last name is Rosado
and in Puerto Rico
where I'm from,
it means pink or blush.
And I'm really proud of my
last name. I love my last name.
My daddy gave me that last name.
But in Mexico it means ass rash.
(audience laughs)
that's right.
Rosado means rash on your ass.
(audience laughs)
So I've been dating
this Mexican nurse
for about 10 years now
and everything was
going real good.
And a couple months ago,
I was like,
"baby, you know what?
I can't wait for you to
take my name.
I can't wait for your
last name to be Rosado."
And she goes, "I ain't
getting your last name.
There's no way in hell I'm
gonna take your last name."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "why not?
I'm proud of my last name."
Well, she told me, this
is what she tells me.
She says,
"there's no way in hell that
for the rest of my life,
I'm gonna be called
Nurse Ass Rash."
(audience laughs)
The nerve.
That being said, I'm a
single man now.
So give it up for everyone
single up here.
(audience cheers)
So being single, I start
doing these little,
the dating apps online, right?
Everyone knows about Tinder.
You know, you go online,
you swipe right swipe right.
(audience laughs)
So I go on my first Tinder date
and it's going real good.
I got the drinks flowing,
I got the meal all set,
and I got a really,
really fucking hot woman
right in front of me
and middle of the meal,
she starts crying and I
don't know what to do,
so I'm like,
"all right, just, I'm
a good man."
I just sit down and I
listen to her.
And she's telling me
all these things, man,
she's telling me about
all the traumas
that her ex-boyfriends
have given her.
(audience laughs)
Woo.
I'm like, "all right. You
know, just hear her out.
Looks like she's going
through a lot in her life.
So it's probably not
the right time
to say we're gonna
split this bill."
(audience laughs)
I'm a good man,
so I decided to make sure
I paid the entire bill.
On me. That's a free meal.
(audience claps)
So I learned
something that night.
A man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do.
So now when I go on my
Tinder dates,
I make sure at mid-meal, I'm
the first one fucking crying.
(audience laughs)
Hell yeah. It's a free meal.
It's a free meal. I saved
a lot of money like that.
(audience laughs)
This is what I do.
We set up the meal, make
sure the drinks are there,
meal's going good,
couple conversation,
and I find the right time.
I'm an actor so I
can cry on cue.
(audience laughs)
And I go,
(sobbing) "can you leave? She
didn't wanna take my name.
She didn't wanna be
Nurse Ass Rash."
(audience laughs)
And that's a free meal,
my friends.
And that's what I learned.
Being a single man, I'm
saving a lot of money, baby.
(audience applauds)
All right.
Y'all about the show or what?
(upbeat music)
All right.
I wanna welcome y'all to the
Barcelo Bavaro Grand Resort
for "Broads Abroad."
Baby, give it up.
(audience cheers)
Now tonight we have an
amazing group of comedians.
We got Crystal Powell in
the house. Give it up.
(audience cheers)
We got Kiki Melendez in
the house. Give it up.
(audience cheers)
And we got Vicki
Barbolak in the house.
(audience cheers)
Now first up,
you've seen her in "America's
Got Talent" and much more.
Everybody give it up for
Crystal Powell. Let's go.
- A little bit about myself
is I am a girl from Texas.
I'm a country girl,
a black girl who had big
dreams of being a comedian,
and you know what?
I made it happen.
A very traumatic challenge
that I went through
and which actually
helped me with my career
was the passing of my mother.
She had a massive heart
attack at 56 and just,
it was actually on my 30th
birthday and just passed away,
and I actually thought we were
going to celebrate a party.
I don't wanna cry, but you know,
that experience made me like,
we audition, Kiki can tell
you we audition every day
and you're told no, you're
told you're not good enough,
you're not funny enough
, you're not thin enough,
you're not clear enough,
but after losing my mother
and being able to pick
myself up after that,
and with my laughter being
able to help other people,
there's nothing that
anyone can't tell me
that'll crush me like that.
So in one of the best
experience about my childhood,
which I now realize is
relaying over into comedy,
I used to get out of whoopings
by making my Mama laugh.
Like when she get
ready to hit me,
I'd start doing stuff to
try to make her laugh,
to get her out of it.
And then when her
girlfriends would come over
for their little tea
parties and to play spades,
'cause black people,
they play spades,
so it would be my bedtime
but if I would start
making them laugh,
I'd be the entertainment
for the night.
I did an open mic, my first
open mic, I got booked.
And I said "uh oh."
And then the feeling that
I get when I get off stage,
that's just, that's the
best feeling in the world,
and that's how I knew
that's what I was gonna do.
It's okay to ask for help.
And what makes me push through?
Hello. The good Lord, prayer.
I believe in God, I
believe in family,
so I get on my knees and pray
and I go surround myself with
family and I eat some cheese.
Oh, what I knew about
the Dominican Republic
was nothing until I got here
and when I got here, Lord
today, the beauty of this place.
I'm here and getting
to tell jokes
and be around beautiful people.
Look at this, a hammock.
What I have learned in life,
to any and everyone
that's watching,
never give up and it's
okay to fall.
We got a song.
We fall down but we get up
Laugh, 'cause laughter
heals, burn calories,
and it make you feel
better, and it's contagious.
(Crystal laughs intensely)
(audience cheering)
Hey. Ola.
Senoritas.
Oh.
(Caribbean music)
I'm looking like the dancers.
(crowd cheers)
pretend that it looks like this.
How y'all doin', Senoritas?
Ola Mami and Papi.
I am so happy to be here.
And I'm happy that
y'all are here.
I believe that I am a
black Dominican.
I really do.
(audience laughs)
I really do.
I'm happy to be over here,
'cause when I got here,
Ooh, the Dominican men,
they were on me.
Every time I walked I felt
like I had soundtracks playing.
(Crystal scats)
(audience laughs)
'Cause they were
hollering at me.
"Ola, Mami"
I said, "Hey, Papi. You want me?
He said, "Ci".
(Crystal scats)
(audience laughs)
This is fun.
I'm 40-fun, and up here,
I'm sweating.
Ladies, you understand it.
It's muy caliente.
Get older, you start to
sweat in places
that you don't want
nobody to know.
Right now I got sweat
dripping all over my body
and y'all probably like,
"What is it?"
Y'all probably thinking
y'all at a Whitney Houston
and I'm a Whitney
Houston hologram
And I
(audience cheers)
That's how bad I'm sweating.
I hate it though.
I hate it though.
Men, y'all gotta stop
being hard on us ladies.
I'm gonna tell you right now.
Stop being hard on us ladies.
'Cause yes, when we get
older, gravity happens.
(audience laughs)
Okay? It happens.
The titties get long.
If I take this bra off,
it's just gonna be a
blackout in here right now.
The light's just going,
(Crystal verbally
simulates power outage)
(Crystal chuckles)
(audience laughs)
The lights are going off,
but fellas,
we want you to match our
energy 'cause sometimes,
you know when you first
had that toddler,
you know when you first
had your baby
and you let 'em sleep in
the bed with you
till they was about six?
They was in the middle
of you and your spouse.
(audience laughs)
That's how our titties be.
Just laying on the bed
in the middle,
just in the middle between us.
This is the thing,
fellas, match our energy.
And I'm gonna explain to you
what matching our energy means,
okay?
So the titty, The titty
is down here, okay?
Match our energy and
kiss the titty
(lips smooching)
down there where it's at.
Okay?
We don't need y'all to
pick the titty back up
(Crystal groans)
(audience laughs)
and put it back where
it used to be.
'Cause now we know that you know
that the titty ain't
where it used to go.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
And ladies don't frown on it,
'cause getting your
nipples sucked
and your toes sucked at the
same damn time is kind of cool.
(Crystal Chuckles)
(audience laughs)
It is. I promise.
And fellas, I don't know
what y'all laughing for.
I don't know, 'cause on women,
our titties get long
when we get old,
but on the men,
(crowd groans)
balls get long.
They get long.
(audience laughs)
They be long.
See, when you're young,
see he young,
he young, he got
them nice tight.
Yeah. When they young,
they got them tight balls.
They be tight.
Like little apricots.
You can hear 'em when they
walk like an old clydesdale.
(clunks aggressively)
(audience laughs)
(Crystal laughs)
Yeah, that's when they young,
but when they old, it's
a old man, look at him.
He shifted off his sack
right when I said that.
(Crystal laughs)
Oh shit.
Man, this is fun.
I'm just saying it's nothing
wrong with getting older.
It's nothing wrong,
'cause guess what?
If you don't get older,
that mean you died young.
(blows raspberry)
Boo.
So be okay with getting older.
I see you got you a young one,
Papi.
Aye.
(audience laughs)
Aye.
I love it here.
You know why I love it in
the Dominican?
'Cause y'all ain't gotta
deal with the mean ones.
You know the mean ones
that stormed the riot,
that was looking
like bad rabids.
Like, you know them
rabids that's gone mad.
"Nancy Pelosi. where is she?"
(audience laughs)
Kill.
They was foaming at the mouth.
"Oh Mike Pence must die."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Damn,
Y'all that mad?"
They was mad.
I'm glad. I'm like Alicia. I'm
glad Trump is out of there.
(audience cheers)
Listen.
Yes. Y'all can clap.
I'm glad Trump is outta there
and see, I'm from Texas.
I live in LA, but
I'm from Texas,
and in Texas, Oh you know
they love Trump.
Yeah.
(audience laughs)
You know the boy, the men
the to wear the,
the wranglers and they
have all their balls
up in the front of their pants.
That's what Texas is.
So I had a show there
and this big, tall, Caucasian,
white man,
I was talking about Trump,
and he ran up to the
stage and he said,
"We dealt with Obama
for eight years
and you're gonna be
able to deal with Trump.
If you're not, I'm gonna
shoot this place up."
I said, "Sir, I don't
have a problem with him.
I just wanted to know
who does his wigs, his hair.
(audience laughs)
'Cause air force one can be
hovering over the top of him,
(blows choppily)
and it never moved.
It never moved. I mean
it don't move nothing.
That's all I wanted to
know. Who does his hair?
I'm glad Trump got outta there.
I am.
See y'all out here to marry
people. Y'all on vacation.
Ah, humping.
(Crystal scats)
Hump. Hump tonight.
I don't know why people tell
you not to talk about sex.
If we didn't have sex,
we wouldn't be here.
(audience laughs)
Hump.
You know what? You should
have two things in your purse,
especially if you over 30,
some hand sanitizer
and some Aspirin cream.
That's for all that you gonna
do tonight that you like,
"this is dangerous, but it
feels so good,"
and tomorrow you gonna wake
up and look at your spouse
and be like "oh man, what did
you do to my back last night?"
"I don't know. Pass me
some of that Aspirin cream
and I'll see you again tonight.
'Cause marriage, you know,
I've been married
for eight years
and separated for seven. Ugh.
(audience laughs)
'Cause marriage is hard. But
seriously marriage is hard.
And ladies, we set ourselves up.
'Cause see, y'all matching
so I know y'all married.
Anytime you matching with
your spouse y'all are married.
Listen, it's hard,
but ladies, I know we see all
the stuff on the television,
(audience laughs)
You want to do that
to your husband
You be like, "I'm gonna
do this every night."
They expect you to keep
that shit up. Okay?
I've done more fake
sleeping as an adult
since I've been married,
I promise you.
My husband caught me at
the refrigerator one night,
one night, I just start
sleepwalking.
(snores loudly)
(audience laughs)
Remember when you was
young ladies?
Your cycle would come,
you'd be like, "No, darn.
I wanted to whore this weekend.
No."
(audience laughs)
you get older,
that cycle come, you be like,
"Come on in. You got luggage?
How long you wanna stay?
Babe mother nature's here.
She gonna be here for a while.
You gonna have to
take the couch."
(Crystal chuckling)
(audience laughs)
Marriage is hard, man.
Marriage is real, real
hard, but it's a good thing.
I'm happy to see y'all
if you got kids.
Listen, take care of you.
Take care of you first,
'cause if you not happy,
you can't make your kids happy.
See what I'm saying?
So you gotta put you first.
Put yourself first.
My kids, I don't care.
I'll be like, (bangs) fuck 'em.
No.
(audience laughs)
Fuck them kids, y'all
enjoy y'all self.
Fuck 'em. Hit 'em in
their soft spot. (bangs)
Bow. Hit 'em.
(audience laughs)
'Cause them kids they'll
suck the life outta you.
They will and you'll be like,
"Oh, where did my soul go?
It's running down the
street, playing hop scotch."
Fuck them kids.
Like me and, listen, my kids.
Woo. They know it.
And let me correct, you
know I have stepchildren
'cause I know I don't
look a day over 21.
Ha.
(audience laughs)
That was just to get some wind
on my ass while I'm playing.
But I get it.
But my kids' room, you know,
it's not down the hallway,
around the corner,
up the stairwell in the
back behind the game room.
My kid's room is right
there by mine. Right there.
So imagine you, Mr. Hulk.
I want you to just
bust your shirt open.
(crowd laughs)
I just wanna see it.
I'll pay you, Senorita, I'm
not being disrespectful, Mami.
The kid's room ain't right there
so imagine you in there
with that lovely Senorita
and you wanna have
some happy time,
but you gotta shush,
(audience laughs)
oh and whisper in
your happy time.
Hey you wanna do a
little somethin'?
Oh yeah.
Let's get into it.
Oh you like that?
Yes.
Go.
Oh yes.
Shh.
Wait. Oh.
Shh. Ah.
Wait. Shh.
Oh. Almost.
Shh.
(Groans aggressively)
(audience applauds)
You been a mess around,
had an aneurysm trying to
shush and shit.
You better let that shit out.
When he tap you on your
back, Be like Tarzan.
(howls loudly)
(audience laughs)
(Crystal chuckles)
(audience laughs)
Oh shit. But it's funny.
It's funny. It's hot.
This is a beautiful thing.
I'm happy to be here.
I'm actually looking
to go find Mr. Barcelo.
They say he got a village
over there that he live on,
the man that owns this resort.
I actually want go over
there and see him
'cause I got some, two little
britches that I need to wear.
(audience laughs)
Oh, y'all see all that ass.
Now don't don't get it twisted.
Little booties matter.
Little booties matter.
Don't discriminate.
There we go. There we go.
And see, it's bad when
it's a Black woman
with a little booty.
I'm already losing.
I ain't got no big
booty and I can't twerk,
but I'll step, I'll change
the hell outta your ass.
(audience laughs)
(Crystal laughs)
Sure will.
(Crystal laughs)
Man, I love life. This
is a beautiful thing.
I get to come over here and
eat up all the food and shit,
talk shit about
Caucasian people,
flirt with a couple of
Dominican.
Yeah.
I'd have me a good,
little, chocolate baby.
(audience laughs)
I just got back.
Like I said, we was
separated for seven years.
I just got back with my husband.
So we tongue kissing again.
Yeah, we-
(awes suggestively)
we tongue kissing,
(audience laughs)
but I will say this.
I do not believe
sex should be more than 30
minutes. Sorry, I don't.
All that shit
(audience laughs)
y'all young people doing.
all night.
All night. All night.
All night.
No.
If you wanna have sex with
me for an hour,
you better bring me a W2.
That's a shift.
(audience laughs)
That's a shift. I need some
paperwork to file, sir.
I need a visa, sir.
Over hour?
No, sir. Nope.
Telling you that's all I
do is fake sleep.
Hey Papi, I'm gonna tell
you something.
I don't think you know it, sir,
but the whole cast, even Vicki,
yeah, I'm throwing her
under the bus.
You know the sweatpants
challenge, right?
Know the sweatpants challenge.
(groans suggestively)
(cocks suggestively)
Yeah.
(audience laughs)
Like it's a shotgun.
(cocks suggestively)
Yeah. Look at the, look.
The men mad.
They like "What is she? Oh."
(cocks suggestively)
Yeah.
(Crystal laughs)
Shoot.
You see it. look, it is
getting bigger.
(cocks suggestively)
Yeah.
Now everybody looking. The
men saying "Stop looking."
Don't be mad. Don't be mad.
Women don't care about that.
(chuckling)
Women don't care about that.
They don't care about
(cocks) (groans)
They just care about
the motion in the ocean,
and whether or not you
gonna pay a bill or two,
you know what I'm saying?
You gonna pay that
mortgage on time?
(audience laughs)
That's what we care about.
And I'm gonna tell
you something.
I know ladies,
you wanna wear lingerie to bed
and do the sexy things
for your men,
but fellas, if you got
kids with your woman,
the way that you can just
make her just be like, "Oh."
She gonna call her girlfriends.
She gonna call her girlfriends,
be like,
"girl, what was that
trick you told me to do?
'Cause I'm gonna do it
tonight. I'm doing it tonight"
(audience laughs)
Let him take the trash out
and bathe his own kids,
how about that?
Yeah.
You be like, "oh he put
Jonjon down to bed?"
Yeah. It's different when
you get older, but I'm cool.
But I'm gonna get
y'all one little,
one of Crystal's greatest hits
before she get outta here.
(audience cheers)
Oh, don't I look like
a Baywatch commercial?
Suavemente
(audience laughs)
Besame
(Crystal scats)
That's all I got.
That's all I got.
Besame
(Crystal scats)
(audience cheers)
Hey, I told y'all.
I'm an
honorary Dominican in this
bitch.
(audience cheers)
We love you back, bitch.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you something,
and y'all can cut this off of
there 'cause we don't sing.
But y'all ain't never seen
a bitch before,
so I'm giving you my shot, bow.
(blows aggressively)
See, y'all got all
different types.
That's what I love about
Dominican people.
You can't tell.
You can't tell except for
maybe you, sir.
(audience laughs)
You look real Caucasian,
but it don't matter.
If your people are nice to you,
you know what, you should
have your hand.
If you hear what your spouse
put your hand on their thigh.
Yeah. Get in there.
Rub that.
Yeah. That ain't your spouse?
Get in there, daddy,
she ain't gonna hit
you rub that.
Life is short.
She on hers. She say, "Ah."
She picks a sack up.
This is what I'm saying.
Life is too short.
Forgive people.
Love on your man, love
on your woman,
whoever, if you got a
little blow up doll,
love on her without
busting her out
(audience laughs)
and deflating her.
But life is too short.
But you do need diversity
in your friend group.
You need diversity.
'Cause see with me,
even though I be saying,
"the mean ones," I got
Caucasian friends.
I got Asian friends.
Stop the hate on Asians.
(audience cheers)
I got Indian friends.
I got my people,
Keisha and them.
(hollers aggressively)
For those that y'all don't know,
those are black girls
(audience laughs)
and you need all of them.
But see this is the thing,
this is what I'm
gonna tell y'all,
that's what about to happen.
You can always tell by
looking at somebody
what they've been through,
okay?
You know back in the states,
you know, they killing
Black people left and right.
You know what I'm saying?
Y'all see that.
I know y'all be like, (sighs)
"so glad I don't live there."
(Crystal chuckles)
But listen.
You need different
types of friends
and I'm gonna tell you why,
and I'm gonna show you a way
that you're gonna be
able to tell
those different types of
friends, okay?
Like I said, they
killing everybody.
Pow-pow. Soldier.
They killing everybody.
(Crystal laughs)
They killing
everybody over there,
and they was upset about
everybody kneeling.
They didn't want
everybody kneeling
during the "Star Spangled
Banner", right?
I'm gonna be able to tell you
the way you gonna be able
to tell the difference
between Caucasian people
and Black people, okay?
So you know the "Star
Spangled Banner".
Do y'all know the "Star
Spangled Banner"?
Y'all sing that shit.
Sing it with me, y'all,
as if I was a Caucasian
named Sarah, okay?
(audience laughs)
Y'all ready?
Let's go.
Oh say can you see
Sing bitch.
By the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hail'd
At the twilight's
last gleaming
(scats abruptly)
Give it up for yourselves.
That was beautiful.
(taps excitedly)
You sang, Mother Fucker,
give it up for yourself.
And that was Sarah Caucasian.
(audience laughs)
How do you think that same
song goes, my brother,
when Keisha and them,
when we get to singing,
when we finally get our chance,
when it's our time to shine.
When it's high time for the mic.
See, we've been oppressed.
Huh. For so long.
I won't preach 'cause y'all
don't wanna hear that,
but how do you think that
same song goes?
(taps aggressively)
When somebody
that looks like me sings it?
Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi,
mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi, mi
(audience laughs)
Oh
Oh say
Can you
(audience laughs)
See
By
(coughs abruptly)
The dawn's
(Crystal moans)
(cocks suggestively)
no.
Early light
What so proud
What so proud
What so proudly
We hailed
(audience cheers)
The next time you hear the
"Star Spangled Banner",
close your eyes and you gonna
be like, "that's Keisha."
That's my time,
Dominican Republic.
You guys are baby.
Suavemente
Besame
(audience cheers)
(scats aggressively)
Yeah. Hey.
(Caribbean music)
- [Kiki] Most tourists
flock to Samana,
in the Northeastern
region of the island.
It was the pirates of the 16th
century's favorite hideout.
Many famous treasures
from this era
were recently found here.
In Las Terrenas, lots of
ecotourism adventures to do,
like hiking, kite surfing,
bodyboarding,
horseback riding on the offshore
island of Cayo Levantado.
Creating one of the
main attractions
besides horseback riding
to the natural waterfalls,
known as Salto El Limon,
Constanza,
Nicknamed the Switzerland
of the Caribbean
due to its cold weather.
Constanza sits on an elevation
of more than 4,000 feet.
It's the highest in the region,
which makes it the
coolest place to be.
Vegetables, flowers and
strawberries are mainly grown
here.
A real departure from the beach,
but a great experience for
those that enjoy mountains,
cozy cabins and fireplaces.
Jarabacoa is right smacked
in the middle of the island
in a high elevation thanks to
the central mountain range.
With the most mild temperatures,
Jarabacoa is often called the
city of everlasting spring.
You will really get in touch
with nature in Jarabacoa.
(upbeat music)
- (screams) Oh my God.
- What?
- Oh my God. I won.
I won.
- What did you win?
- Oh my god.
- What, what, what, what?
What'd you win?
How much did you win?
- Oh my God.
- What'd you win?
- Oh my God.
- Congratulations.
Looks like you won a million-
- Crystal is a millionaire.
I've got to introduce her
to Francesca Bonnelly,
one of Punta Cana's
leading real estate agents.
- Yes.
- Crystal got a win.
- She won.
(snaps aggressively)
- How much did you win?
- [Crystal] Girl, a million
dollars. I'm a millionaire.
(Crystal scats)
- That's gonna go a long way
in the Dominican, honey,
that is gonna go a long way.
- So listen, so listen.
- So how are you planning
to invest that?
- I just wanna buy me a home
and they told me that
you could tell me
and I wanted to buy
the (indistinct)
- Yeah tell us a little
history about (indistinct)
- Okay, okay, okay.
This is the place to be.
I mean, if you don't wanna
invest it right away,
we can just rent you this
beautiful house.
That's where all the
Kardashians stay.
- [Crystal] That's the
house I want.
- [Francesca] It's just
$10,000 A night.
You could rent it for a month.
- [Crystal] I got a
million, I got a million.
- [Francesca] Yeah, it's
just $10,000 a night.
I mean that's it, so
it's fine for you.
- Crystal buy one.
Buy, buy, buy.
- I can buy it.
- No, she needs to buy.
- I can buy it.
- She needs to buy.
I'm gonna invest.
- She needs to buy.
- I can buy it.
- [Francesca] It's okay.
So you could stay in a
four-bedroom,
you could buy a four-bedroom.
It has a pool, gulf view,
- That's what I need.
- Okay, but if you don't
wanna go that high,
what else do you have here,
like for people that you
know what I'm saying,
That might not be
millionaires like Vicki and I?
- Is there a trailer park?
- Sorry, Vicki, but we
have to talk.
- I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Nevermind.
- Please.
Don't be ahead all your life.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you.
- Buy a house. Buy a house.
- Four-bedroom.
You'll have a little room.
- Get yourself a house.
So this is a community
that's been around for 50 years,
okay?
- Oh, vintage. Love it.
- Yes So.
(Crystal laughs)
- I'm here for it.
- Fun fact, it was called
Punta Borrachon.
- [All] Punta Borrachon.
- [Vicki] What does
borrachon mean?
- That means wasted.
- Living on Punta Borrachon.
- What?
- Wasted.
- [Francesca] That means wasted.
- Wasted?
- Yes.
- [Kiki] Point Of the wasted.
- Point of the wasted?
- There was nothing here.
- This beautiful place-
- you don't understand,
- Was called Point of the-
- It's for rich people.
- Yes, of course.
we have an international
airport right in front of it,
apartment-
- Oh I'm flying private.
(Crystal yells)
(speaking Spanish)
- [Kiki] Yeah, she's a
millionaire, she can afford it.
- Yeah. Bring the bottle,
- Put that
on Crystal's tab baby.
- I'll take care of it today.
(all chuckling)
- Yeah. Crystal's buying.
- Yeah, I'm buying.
- That's something
you never said before, baby.
- (chuckling) Saying it
now over and over.
- Have you ever heard
of Oscar De Le Renta?
- Oscar De Renter?
Oscar De Renter, that's
how we say it.
- [Kiki] Oscar De La Renter?
- Yes. That's how we-
- Yes. I have.
- [Francesca] Well he used
to be a property owner here.
- Oh actually.
Actually he was one of the ones
that invested in the airport
- Yes.
- With Julio Iglesias.
- Julio Iglesias
- Awe. I'll be having
some rich neighbors, baby.
I can, I'm never going
back to the States.
I cannot wait.
They're gonna think I'm a
black Dominican. For real.
I look just 'em.
- They're gonna believe you.
They're gonna believe you.
- They are. Money will
make you believe anything.
- That's right. A million.
- A million.
(Crystal scats)
Sorry.
- There's a few other neighbors
I can't tell you about.
- I'll find out. They're gonna
bring me housewarming gifts.
- By the way, now
that you're rich,
you can be anywhere in the
world and connect here,
'cause this airport connects
to over 45 cities and
26 different countries.
So you could fly in
from everywhere.
- I want it all and I can
afford it. So let's do this.
- [Francesca] Coral stone
by the pool. It's perfect.
- [Crystal] Oh yeah.
That's what I want.
- [Vicki] Coral stone.
So you know, I'm just curious.
So how did you get this
million all of a sudden.
- Girl, lucky seven was on me
and I won it at the casino
at the Barcelo.
- In Vegas?
- No. Right down the road
at the Barcelo Bevaro.
- The Barcelo casino
right there.
- Resort. Yeah.
- We saw it happen.
- I won. Yeah.
- We saw it happen.
I won baby. Cha-ching.
- Whew.
- Boom.
- Nuts.
(buzzes aggressively)
Yeah.
- It happened.
- I'm rich, bitch.
- We saw it happen.
- Why don't you call?
You know what, just call.
- [Crystal] You'll have
to give me a second.
Hold a moment.
- Just check.
Just check.
- Local currency is pesos.
- No but still.
- No, mine is a million.
- Oh.
- Don't worry.
(Vicki cackles)
That's crazy.
- One second.
- That's crazy.
- Whew, all my life
I had to fight to prove
- She put a dollar in
- I was supposed to be here.
- and dollar,
a million dollars out.
(shushes aggressively)
- [Kiki] Wait a minute, okay.
- Hello? Yes, this is
Crystal Powell, yeah.
Uh huh. I need,
could you transfer me to
the accounting department
because I just need verification
of the million dollars
that I won last night.
Yes. That was yes.
- At the casino.
- At the casino. Yeah.
It was a million dollars.
- Just tell me your name.
- Yes. Crystal Powell
won a million dollars.
A million dollars.
No, uh, uh. No.
Nobody.
What is, what do you mean peso?
Nobody's.
Okay, so I have a million pesos?
- So it's in pesos?
- [Crystal] Yeah.
That's what they said.
- Oh, that's like $15,000.
- No, no, no.
It's a million.
- No.
- It's a million.
- No.
- Like a million, like six-fig,
like 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3,
with the one in the front.
- In pesos.
- What does that mean?
Why, what are you saying, Ma'am?
- It's a different currency.
It's, that's like $18,000.
- No.
- I'm buying this home.
- Oh, Gracias.
- Yeah. Take that back.
Hold on 'cause I don't
think we have enough money.
Take that, take that,
take that back.
- Oh Sorry.
- Yep. Take her wine too.
How much is it?
(upbeat music)
(audience cheers)
- Next up is one of my
dearest friends.
She's an actress, producer
and she's known as
Dominican from Bel-Air.
Everybody give it up for
Kiki Melendez.
- I was born in Puerto
Plata, Dominican Republic,
but I was raised by a single
mother in New York city.
I was inspired by going to
the comedy clubs in New York.
You know, someone I met,
Joey Vega,
said to me once, he's a very
famous comic in New York,
and he said to me,
"You are so funny
and there's not that
many women doing comedy.
You should really try it."
So I went to comedy school.
I used to go to school
for everything.
I look at like people
like Oprah Winfrey,
she's really inspired me.
I remember when I was a kid
and I watched her on TV,
and I'm like,
"wow, she's amazing. I
could be like her. I could,"
you know, I always wanted
to be the Latina, Oprah.
(Kiki laughs)
L'Oprah.
My children are half Scottish,
they didn't speak a
word of Spanish,
they didn't know where
their mother came from,
and I thought this was a
great opportunity for them
to learn the language
and to learn the culture,
and one of the things I
wanted them to see firsthand
is that in my country, okay,
and I think most
Caribbean countries,
there's this happiness
and joy with the people.
What I have learned in life
is not to have expectations.
When you don't have
expectations,
everything seems three times
as good as you
thought it would be.
(audience cheers)
Yeah.
(Rene laughs)
- [Rene] Get it, baby.
Get it, baby.
(audience cheers)
- All the way from Hollywood,
California, "The Connors",
my buddy, my friend,
Rene Rosado.
I love you. Thank you.
How's everybody doing tonight?
(audience cheers)
Where are you from,
guys? Where are you from?
Say it all at the same time.
I'm ADD
and I have no listening chip.
Where? Where?
Detroit is in the house.
Where? Where?
Venezuela.
(speaks Spanish)
And for you white people,
blanquito, we call you
blanquito,
so if people are saying
blanquito around you,
that means they're talking
shit about you.
Just so you know.
(audience laughs)
Welcome to my country.
But remember it's not Puta
Cana, it's Punta Cana, okay?
(audience laughs)
Get it right, people.
Stop drinking so many
mamajuanas out there.
You know, guys, I left this
island when I was six years old.
Do you believe it?
Six years old.
And people from LA are always
going, "where are you from?"
And I proudly say "I'm from
the Dominican Republic."
And they go, "What part
of Europe is that?"
(audience laughs)
These Americans,
they have no idea about
geometry. (chuckles)
But literally I always tell
them, no proudly, I tell them,
"my country is off the coast
of Spain, 'cause you know,
all Latinos want to act like
they're from Spain. (chuckles)
(audience laughs)
But I have to say
that I love being
at the Barcelo
Bavaro Grand Hotel
(audience cheers)
because I've always had this
fantasy to be able to say,
"Free drinks on me."
(audience cheers)
Isn't that awesome?
Oh my God.
It's fun, you know,
it's kind of fun to get
out of our country, right?
Like you're in the same
place all the time.
It's fun to travel.
And I'm feeling so bad
for the British.
They haven't been able to
travel for like over a year.
Right?
And I'm like,
"oh my God, so now we
could talk shit about them.
There's none of them here."
(audience laughs)
And then just yesterday
they decided to end
social distancing,
and I'm like,
"after thousands of years,
you're gonna try that?"
(audience laughs)
And I remember, oh my God, when
I, when Obama was president,
I felt so proud.
I felt so at home
because every time I
looked at him, I said,
"that's a Dominican
baseball player."
(audience laughs)
And that was so funny. You know,
I think that in America,
immigration is breaking us
apart.
They actually asked
in California,
if illegal immigration
is a problem.
20% said yes and 80%
said (speaks Spanish).
(audience laughs)
and white people, leave
that border alone
because that's where you
run when you get in trouble
and white men can't jump.
(audience laughs)
I am so, so happy
because this is such
a dream for me
to bring all my friends
in comedy down here, man.
Can you imagine
sharing the stage
with all the greatest
comedians in America
and the greatest here.
But listen guys, travel tips,
travel tips.
Listen, listen, all you
blanquitos, blanquitos,
listen to me.
Travel tips, travel tips,
(chuckles) travel tips.
In our country, pendejo
means dumb-ass,
but in Puerto Rico it
means pubic hair.
(audience laughs)
serious.
I know you did it.
What?
Don't call a Puerto
Rican pandejo, man.
(audience laughs)
Okay.
And in Cuba it means a
dumb-ass with pubic hair.
(audience laughs)
Let me ask you this, guys.
Don't you love our country,
but you go out to
these restaurants
and it takes forever to
get your food.
Isn't it? Like it takes so long.
It's like they took a flight,
a round trip flight to Puerto
Rico.
Right?
(audience laughs)
It's awesome, but the
tourist here, listen.
All I can tell you is just
start drinking some mamajuana,
okay, and you'll be at the
same pace as your waiters.
(audience laughs)
And I don't know if you
guys know this, right?
Your sex life has improved
since you've been here, right?
Right?
Whose sex life has
improved since they've been
here?
(audience cheers)
Mamajuanna is an aphrodisiac.
It makes you horny.
(chuckles humorously)
(audience cheers)
So guys, everyone here,
that's one,
one of the things I love
about my country
is that in America we
have everything.
We have luxury, we have
money, we're always stressing,
we're always mad, we're
always, you know, depressed,
people are on pills,
people are on drugs.
In my country, people
don't have a pot to piss in
and they're so happy.
They're so, there's no stress.
There's no stress here,
you know?
Like the difference
between an American woman,
she stresses about her job,
the money, the relationship,
the kids, the this, the that,
global change, Trump, Joe Biden.
Here, Dominican women
don't stress.
There's only one thing
they stress about.
Their fuckin' hair.
(audience laughs)
They go to the salon for
eight hours, put rollers on,
take it off, then blow
it out straight,
then curl it with a curling iron
and then they wrap it
around like a helmet,
which is called a tubi.
(audience cheers)
It's called a tubi, right?
So I created a new term,
to be stressed, that's all.
And then they walk around
with their tubi
for an entire week
and you're like,
"Why don't you just let
down your hair, bitch?
Just let it down."
And, (chuckles) and
they're like,
"Are you kidding?
I'm not gonna pay again
to get my hair done."
Right?
They can't go out if it's
raining, they can't go to the
gym,
they can't sweat, they
can't go to the beach
and then they take it down,
right?
They take it down and it's like,
they're in a
(indistinct) commercial.
"May I get you some coffee?"
I was Miss Puerto Plata
19 (coughs). Bleep.
I was in the miss.
I was in Miss Puerto
Plata, do you believe that?
You are looking at a Mss
Puerto Plata right now.
(audience cheers)
Thank you, god.
But I blame my mother.
You know, she always kept
saying to work on my personality
so I didn't win and look what
the fuck I'm at right now.
I'm a comedian. She told me
to work on my personality.
That sucks, right?
(audience laughs)
And I also blame my mother
for my freaking name.
Okay?
I live in LA,
so most of the bank tellers
are Filipino, right?
And Kiki, right?
I go there one day and I'm like,
you know,
and the Filipino banker's like,
(chuckles suspiciously)
and she's laughing at me.
And I'm like, "Bitch,
don't laugh at my balance."
(audience laughs)
And then she says,
"no, no, no. Your name, Kiki,
means vagina in my country."
(audience laughs)
I'm like,
so I could do the Kiki
monologues in the Philippines?
And then in Spain it
means to whack off.
So introducing whack
off Melendez.
(audience laughs)
And in west Hollywood,
it means a threesome.
let's have a Kiki.
That means a threesome.
Let's have a Kiki. Have
you heard that song?
Well, that's what it means,
a threesome.
And I'm like,
"was my mother confusing
marijuana with mamajuana?
(audience laughs)
I don't get it.
(speaks Spanish)
But anyway, guys, one
of the things that is.
How many women in the house,
how many women in the house
are single?
Any single in the house?
(audience cheers)
Yay. It's so hard, isn't it?
(speaks Spanish) It's really,
really, really difficult
to be single.
Oh my God. I'm like, let me
tell you when I was single.
Okay?
I used to go out to
all the clubs,
trying to pick up gorgeous men.
And they told me,
I used to go to
psychics all the time.
They go, "Go to
Dominican Republic.
Those men will eat anything."
(audience laughs)
Oh, I know what you're thinking,
"God, She looks just like J-Lo.
(audience cheers)
I have a big ass and
I can't sing.
(audience laughs)
But honestly I have a
lot more shape than J-Lo.
Look at this belly,
you know? Look at this.
Look at, I have
chichos everywhere.
Chichos.
(audience laughs)
This is called chichos,
everyone.
And that's what you need,
a woman with chichos,
rolls of fat.
That's what you need.
Who's gonna save you in
case of an emergency?
(audience cheers)
is a double-zero skinny
bitch gonna save you
in case of a hurricane or
a terrorist attack, okay?
Come. Touch this leg,
baby. Touch this leg.
This leg is 100%
(speaks Spanish).
This leg.
(audience cheers)
(audience laughs)
it'll save you and your
entire family.
And let me tell you guys,
I was not the type of woman
that wanted to get married.
I did not wanna get
married. I had too much fun.
Right? Look at me.
I have so much personality.
(audience laughs)
And I met my Prince
Charming and I was like,
"God, I have to marry him now."
And I was like,
"but I don't like him. He's
not my type. He's Scottish.
He's red, I'm brown.
(audience laughs)
Doesn't go together.
He's cold and I'm hot. It
just doesn't go well together.
So I kept saying,
"you know what? No, really
thank you very much.
You know, we don't have
the same room temperature.
(audience laughs)
It's like, no."
And then he said to me,
"do you wanna have kids?"
And this is a true story,
people.
This is a trauma that I will
be writing in my autobiography.
And I said, "of course I
would love to have kids."
And he says, "come here,
look in the mirror."
And he goes, "I'm your
last chance."
(audience laughs)
That's how he proposed people.
Okay, but listen.
He's Scottish, he wears a skirt,
so I wear the pants in
the house, right?
(audience laughs)
I spend like a Latina
with a stimulus check.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
So this boob, I did it with
the Trump stimulus check,
and I'm so glad that Biden won
'cause now I can do this boob.
(audience laughs)
But you know, speaking of boobs,
do you guys think that
men treat you
based on your boob size?
If your boob size is a double A,
you get to go to McDonald's.
(audience laughs)
If you have a B-cup, I promise
you, you'll get Denny's.
If you have a C, you'll
make it to Red Lobster,
and if you have a D, double D,
you're gonna spend a week
at the Barcelo Bavaro
Grand Resort.
(audience cheers)
but you know what I've
been hitting on men.
I wanna tell you men,
I feel sorry for men.
Okay. First they have the
smallest closet space.
I mean, my husband has like
two feet of closet space.
Okay?
And my girlfriend, the
other day, she was like,
"oh my God, we had hours
of sex, sex, sex, sex
and then he fell asleep,"
and I'm like,
"why are you whining?
At least you had sex."
(audience laughs)
And I'm like, "Girl, please.
At least you can say you
knocked him out with your Kiki."
(audience laughs)
Women complain so much.
Oh and then in school, right?
You are all, you're
all gonna agree.
You're all gonna agree with me.
In school, if somebody said,
"your mama",
you would fight them.
You're like, "What did
you just say?
Did you just say my
mother? I will fuck you up.
I will fuck you up.
(audience cheers)
But let me tell you this.
If somebody says your
father is a womanizer,
alcoholic, gambler, you go,
"when did you meet my father?
(audience laughs)
When did you meet my dad?
Isn't that crazy? We are so bad.
But anyway, getting back
to my cheap husband.
This man is so, so cheap
that for Valentine's day
he sends me a dozen roses
via Instagram.
(audience laughs)
That's how cheap he is.
So I sent him a
through WhatsApp.
(audience laughs)
What do you expect me to do?
And you know, like,
let me tell you, being
married is difficult, right?
Like we went to Jumbo here.
Jumbo.
They call it Jumbo. Okay, Jumbo.
And he's like, "Why are
you buying so much makeup?"
And I'm like, "Because I
need it to look beautiful.
And look at you, you're
buying a whole bunch of beer.
Why are you buying
so much beer?"
And he goes,
"because I need it so that
you could look beautiful."
(audience laughs)
Anyway guys. But listen,
I love being married.
And then, you know, we
ended up having twins.
(audience cheers)
I have to say that I've learned
a lot about being married.
A lot of advice that I
could give you.
For example, spend every
money he makes
because if he doesn't
have a penny,
every money he makes,
he won't have money to
go out with other women.
Nobody wants a cheap Bastard.
Who wants a cheap Bastard?
(audience laughs)
And you know,
there are times that I wake
up in the morning and I go,
"I feel so empowered. I got
a white man, his green card."
I'm a Dominican.
And after 18 years of marriage,
oh my God.
I know that I am
making him happy.
I'm making him happy.
You know why?
Because the other day,
the other day,
I heard him on the phone
telling his friends,
"I just hope that you
find somebody
that loves you as much
as Kiki loves herself."
(audience laughs)
And you know, guys,
some love advice.
Always find a partner
that has the same room
temperature as you
because fights over air
conditioning and heating
can destroy a marriage.
(audience laughs)
As a matter of fact,
I'm thinking of starting, like,
a new dating service where we
match you by your thermostat.
(audience laughs)
You see y'all, you got me.
She knows what I'm
talking about, man.
And if we could start, like,
a dating service like that,
where it's like, "What's
your thermostat at?"
And then he says, "74,"
and you're like, "Okay,
I could do 74."
(audience laughs)
Oh, Bitch, I don't never do 58.
My kids were born, like,
with green eyes
and like strawberry-blonde hair.
And so I would take them
to the park in Los Angeles.
I'd be strolling down the
park and people would be like,
"Oh my God, they're
so beautiful.
How long have you been
with the family?"
(audience laughs)
I had to go blonde.
What else could I do?
(audience laughs)
And then trying to hire
a maid in Bel-Air, Right?
I put in a, I put a sign
in my little clubhouse,
you know, looking for a maid,
blah, blah.
The first candidate
knocks on the door.
I opened the door and she goes,
"Damn, you beat me to it."
(audience laughs)
My kids like, everyone's like,
How are your kids so
well behaved?"
Because they're usually
well behaved.
How are your kids so
well behaved?
I studied cognitive development
and I am a clinical
hypnotherapist.
And people are like,
"So what do you do when
they misbehave?"
I'm like, "I beat the
shit out of them."
(audience laughs)
And then one time, I
was so pissed.
I was so pissed that I
go, (speaks Spanish).
I didn't think they'd know
Spanish, right?
They don't speak Spanish.
I go (speaks Spanish)
She goes, "Mom, doesn't
that make you the puta?"
(audience laughs)
I'm Kiki Melendez. I love you.
(audience cheers)
(Caribbean music)
The Dominican
Republic's capital city,
San Domingo is also
the most modern
and dynamic metropolis in
the Caribbean.
Centuries old architecture
and the most modern high
rises merge seamlessly.
Exploring the colonial city,
the first European
settlement of the Americas
and a designated UNESCO world
heritage site since 1990.
Imagine walking down the first
paved road of the Americas.
La Romana has it all.
Starting with Bayahibe,
a great urban beach to
go boating and sailing.
Snorkeling is year round due
to lessened water temperature
and exotic creatures
and scenery.
(Caribbean music)
It is where the famous
Catholic Campo
residential area is located,
which also includes
Altos De Chavon,
modeled after Tuscany in
the 16th century.
Sculpted entirely of stone,
a model 16th century
Mediterranean village
sits 300 feet above the
Chavon River.
The village opened in 1982
with Frank Sinatra
performing live.
Where numerous world artists
have since performed.
Private beaches and yacht
clubs with enchanting waters,
offering sports galore,
like Parasailing.
Famous for the only golf course
in the Western hemisphere
that has 10 holes located
directly on the ocean.
(Caribbean music)
This side of the world
has an estimated 800
miles of coastline
and every beach has a
different feel.
With white sands, mountains,
coastlines
and breathtaking sunsets.
(Caribbean music)
While hanging out at the beach,
we ran into Victoria Yakimova,
a local residence
whose face appears
on the Punta Cana
resort billboards.
They're everywhere.
Honestly, what is it
like to live here
if you're from another country?
- [Crystal] Yeah, you get to
wake up to this every day.
Bless you.
- Yeah. It's great.
- [Kiki] What do you
love about it?
- I love the climate, I
love the beach.
- The men?
- And the people.
Everybody so friendly
and so nice.
I have never had a
problems here with anybody.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah. We need to come here.
- There is men here
from all over the world here-
- Topless men.
- Here on this island.
All kind of men.
(Crystal rolls tongue)
Every race, every size. Right.
All kind of accents, whatever.
It's like a buffet of men.
(all chuckle)
- I mean hot ones.
- It's amazing.
(all chuckling)
- So you have a man, Dominican
man, or are a Ukranian man?
- I have a bunch of men.
(all laughing)
- [Crystal] A bunch. I'm
pretty and I'm in the sand.
I got a bunch of men.
I just can't imagine
just living here
and getting to see all
these men topless every day.
Somebody bringing your
breakfast topless,
somebody making your
bed topless,
Yes. Yes.
- Nice to meet you too.
- Anyway.
- Have a nice time.
- [Vicki] We have
seven bedrooms.
- [Crystal] I'm gonna
send you my information
so I can get a job.
- [Vicki] Let's go. Let's go
to the banana boats, guys,
- Banana boats?
- Come on.
- Vicki, right?
- Yeah.
- This is the right
way to put it.
That is definitely-
- I wanna. all right.
Whatever.
- I don't know what
you're trying to protect,
but like, that.
- I'll help you. I'll help you.
- All right. Whatever.
- Good luck, ladies.
- Thank you so much.
- That's the right way.
- All right. I'm good.
- Nice to meet you ladies.
- Bon Voyage.
- Good luck.
(Crystal screams)
- Mine's just busted open.
- Do have this in an XL?
(silly music)
(Crystal yells)
- Let me get a (indistinct)
Sit still.
Hey. Be still.
Be still. Kiki.
Kiki, I'm gonna kill you.
(Kiki laughs)
(silly music)
(audience clapping)
- Next up,
she's one of the finalists
in "America's Got Talent".
Give it up for my lady,
Vicki Barbolak.
- My name is Vicki Barbolak
and I'm a long way from
my trailer park
here in the Dominican Republic.
I love it.
I have two daughters,
they're so beautiful,
they look adopted.
People never believe
they're actually mine,
and I'm married to my
current and favorite husband,
Lou Brockman, who's the piano
player at the Comedy Store.
My dad played pro
football for the Steelers
and he was hit in the
head way too many times,
and I worked for his carpet
store for like 20 years
before I started standup,
which was in the days
before Yelp, you know?
When you could treat customers
like you really wanted to.
Yeah, we would be
closed down now.
When I was a little kid, I
was always joking around.
I had my own talk show
in the garage.
You know, I was like
Johnny Carson.
I was always having a
blast, but I was super fat,
'cause I weighed like 220
when I was 12.
So I was always making
jokes about myself
before the other kids
could make a joke about me.
I mean, I got the best
joke out, I shut you down.
I had such a crappy life
before standup, I really did.
I wasn't happy, I didn't
think I ever would be happy,
I thought I screwed up
my life beyond repair.
The only thing I thought I had
going for me was my daughters
and which they are amazing.
But standup just made
me completely different.
You have to get to know
yourself as a standup,
and I was the last person
I ever wanted to know,
but I got to know myself
and I realized I wasn't as
horrible as I thought I was.
And making people laugh,
having people come up
to me and say,
"you made me feel different
about myself," you know,
"you made me feel like
if you could do this,
then I could do anything,"
and it's given me such joy.
And like, you know,
it's brought me from my
trailer park to the Dominican.
I mean, it's just been the
best, the best 20 years I ever,
I never could have dreamed
of this time, being so happy.
So when I started standup,
I didn't mean to
become a standup.
I just was trying it out
and I was 40 years old,
and I didn't realize
I was too old.
Anyway, I started it
and the very first time
I got on stage
and I got that laugh
from the audience,
I felt like people
were just throwing diamonds
and donuts right in my face,
and I loved it so much.
And then I just became addicted.
(audience cheering)
Oh, look at Ralph Lauren.
Oh Ralph Lauren right
here in the front row.
He's looking at me like
he never saw a trophy wife
in Punta Cana before baby.
Oh yeah.
I love it here, okay? Yes.
I love it here because this
island is filled with men
from all over the world.
(audience cheers)
All over.
Different colors,
different sizes,
different races,
different accents.
It's like, it gives a
whole new meaning
to the word
continental breakfast.
(audience laughs)
Yes. Right ladies?
Yes. Yes.
I'm after San Diego,
I'm so sick of our men.
San Diego.
I've been there 40 years.
All we got is vegan surfers.
Right?
Right? You know what I'm saying?
Skinny, little twigs. Right?
Every time a wind blows,
they grab me.
I'm not a Buoy, bitch, move on.
(audience laughs)
Right? No.
The food here has been great,
huh?
Right? Can you make
cheese any more fattening?
(audience laughs)
Yes. We fry it here.
We fry cheese, it's so
delicious, right?
Yeah. To do this show for
you guys I am triple Spanx'd.
Triple, that's why all
these straps are up here.
Triple Spanx'd.
And I can't even even
afford real Spanx.
I get mine at Walmart, I
call 'em skanks.
(audience claps)
Yeah. I have no idea if
they're gonna hold, right?
(audience laughs)
You might be covered in lobster
bisk and very concerned.
Ugh. Ugh.
I finally went to the
doctor the other day.
I went to the doctor,
I was very concerned,
I said,
"Doctor, there is a spot
between my breasts, What is it?"
He said, "That's your
belly button, Vicki."
(audience laughs)
Yes. I'm just saying to the
young ladies here tonight.
Listen, listen up.
Here's some advice.
If I'd have known what I'd
look like now at this age,
I would've let a lot more
men see me naked, okay?
(audience cheers)
Yes. Right.
Yes. Yeah.
When I was young, I'm like,
'well, you can look, but
you can't touch,"
but now I'm like,
"Well you can touch, but
you better not look."
Okay?
It's just, it's not
gonna be good.
Right?
But I'm holding on,
I'm holding on.
I'm holding on.
I'm clinging to the last,
I'd do anything to look
younger and tighter.
Really, Ralph, I will, Okay?
You know what I'm talking about.
(audience laughs)
I will do any,
I had my lips done.
You can't tell 'cause I'm
wearing all these Spanx,
(audience laughs)
Right. Okay.
That was not on
"America's Got Talent."
That was not allowed on
"America's Got Talent".
That was a no, right? Right?
Right ladies?
- [Audience Member] PG.
- PG. Right?
But I gotta say, girls,
what kind of baby men
are we raising?
What kind of baby men?
Did they? I mean.
(audience cheers)
They used to be happy
just to be in the temple
of the hoo-haw, right?
You're dating some guy
and he sees it down there
and he goes, " I don't like it."
Well turn off the light,
Asshole,
turn off the light, right?
That is ridiculous that
they would expect us
to go to a surgeon, you know,
and risk our life,
have anesthesia.
I mean, I can't even
see it. I can't see it.
(audience laughs)
It's bullshit right?
I mean, not that I'm
against plastic surgeons.
Is there anyone here? Ralph?
Do you happen to be a plastic?
Okay, well I'm just
saying if I had any money,
I would have pointed back
up where they came from.
(audience laughs)
Right? And I would get big,
Angelina Jolie, I'll
take your husband lips.
(audience laughs)
Right? Right?
I would get lips like
Roomba vacuums.
(sucks aggressively)
Right? I'll vacuum this (sucks
aggressively) shit tomorrow.
That's what I would do.
Oh, absolutely.
So I was hearing Kiki
talking about immigration.
Okay.
I just, I mean, okay.
I just want every, and
this is not a political,
I'm not a political comic, okay?
I love everybody. I want
us all to get along,
But I was watching
CNN the other,
yeah, I was,
don't look at me like that,
Ralph.
I was watching, I'll tell you,
I was watching CNN
'cause I was so hungover
and I couldn't find the remote,
okay?
(audience laughs)
So I had to watch CNN.
And while I'm watching,
this banner ad comes on
for anastasia.com.
Anyone know what that is?
Roman, you know what that is.
Anastasia.com is a website
for the Eastern European women
that wanna come over
to all of our countries
and marry our men, okay ladies?
(audience laughs)
And we gotta shut
that shit down.
Right?
You know, right?
It is hard to get a guy
to marry today, right?
How long have you been
married, dating Ralph there?
Huh? Are you guys dating?
- [Audience Member 2] 6 years.
- Six years. You've been
dating Ralph Lauren.
That's bullshit, Right?
(audience laughs)
Oh, you, you did marry him.
You did marry her. You
made her a good woman.
How long did it take
you to get Ralph?
- [Audience Member 2] A year.
- A year?
Well, look at those tits.
Am I surprised? No.
(audience laughs)
But I mean, even a year for you,
you should have had him in
like three months, right?
It's tough to get a guy
to marry you.
Back in my day, all you had
to say was, "I'm pregnant."
Okay? Right, right?
It might take a couple
of Saturdays,
but eventually that guy would
show up and marry you, okay?
Yeah. Right?
Now you gotta have like two
or three kids with a guy,
he's like, "I don't know. That
is a lot of responsibility."
Yeah. Right?
(audience laughs)
That's bullshit.
I don't even know why.
Why do the men like the
Eastern European women better?
I've seen a lot of them
walking around Punta Cana here.
These beautiful. Okay.
They're skinny. I said it.
That's right,
the Eastern European women
are skinny and shit, okay?
But that's 'cause they're
from Eastern Europe
and they're starving, okay?
Right? You bring 'em over here.
Yeah. You, yeah.
You bring 'em over here,
you fix their teeth.
Okay? Right?
And you give 'em a couple carbs,
okay?
And you show 'em where the
burger king is,
they're gonna blow up like this,
okay?
(audience laughs)
Right? I mean it.
I know it.
I am 100% Ukrainian bitch,
this is what you're gonna get.
And then I'm gonna bring my
parents, my grandparents.
I'm gonna ruin your life.
Shop local, marry local,
that's all I'm saying.
(audience laughs)
Yeah.
The other thing is, I
do think that, you know,
they think that Eastern
European women are quiet, right?
You know, and I have
to say I'm 63 years old
and it took me forever to
realize
that men don't wanna chat.
Okay? They don't wanna chat.
I'm writing a book.
It's called, "Your Husband
Hates The Sound Of Your Voice."
(audience laughs)
Okay?
They really don't wanna talk,
okay?
And they think the Eastern,
but the Eastern European
women are gonna learn English
and they're gonna be
yappity yap yap yap
just like the rest of us
and shit, right?
I have a friend, Karen,
very successful girl.
Very successful. Right?
But when it comes to
men so stupid.
She will leave a voicemail
on her husband's phone.
Yeah who would do that?
No, you don't leave a
voicemail on Ralph's phone, no.
He doesn't listen when
you're yelling in his face.
Right? Blah blah.
Like he's gonna press a
button to hear our shit now?
I've loved being here
at the resort, right?
(audience cheers)
It's so beautiful.
Right? I love the adults-only
areas the most, right?
Absolutely. The adults only,
21-and-up pools, right?
So, you know, I'm
thinking topless.
(audience cheers)
Yeah. Right.
Yeah. I don't see a sign.
It just says 21 and up, so
I'm thinking topless, right?
So I just, I had to do it.
I'd never done it
before yesterday.
I got in the cabana and
you know, I went,
I went to the store
and I bought a tankini,
a real tall tankini at
the beach shop here.
They call 'em tankinis 'cause
they could cover a tank.
(audience laughs)
So I got a tankini, right?
And then I put a bunch of
glitter and shit on my titties,
and then I jumped
outta that gazebo
and the sun is glistening on me
and I felt younger and
hotter than ever.
(audience cheers)
It was just amazing. Amazing.
Yes. I mean it.
I mean, I'm walking
along the pool
and my nipple sparks are flying,
(hisses loudly)
but it was fabulous 'cause
this guy runs up to me
and he is like,
"ma'am, you're gonna have to
put your bathing suit back on."
He didn't even work here. He
was just an asshole, okay?
So after that,
so I didn't feel comfortable
going back to the pool,
so I said to my current
and favorite husband,
Lou Brockman right over there,
hey Lou, I said, I said,
"Lou, let's go into
Santa Domingo
because I heard they have
a really cool adult store,"
adult toy store.
Ralph, have you been?
Yeah, it's called the
Strip Factory okay?
Yeah. The Strip Factory.
(audience cheers)
A few people that know me
know that I was a stripper for
years before I did stand up.
(audience cheers)
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah. Thank you.
(audience cheers)
That's okay.
My stripper name was Pillow.
(audience laughs)
I was actually very good.
The last night I worked,
really well,
the last time I worked,
I'm not joking,
they brought me up on the stage,
they made a big deal and
they retired my pole.
(audience cheers)
They did, they had to,
it was bent.
It looked like a silly
straw and stuff.
So we went to this
Strip Factory,
we walk in, I'm 63 years old,
okay?
And I have to say it,
so embarrassed,
I had never seen a pair of
edible panties in my life.
I had never seen a pair of
edible panties till Monday.
So this girl comes up
to me and she's like,
"Hi, I'm Boomboom."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "of course you are,"
you know?
And she goes, "Would you like
to see the edible panties?"
Right? And I'm like, "sure."
And she takes me into a
room full of edible panties
and I'm like, "Boomboom,
how do they work?"
You know? 'Cause I'd
never seen 'em before.
And then I'm thinking to myself,
you know,
maybe it's like two
o'clock, girls, you know,
you get a snack attack,
snack attack, right?
You know, you're starving.
You get the glycemic and
you're just shaking, right?
And you're looking
through your purse
for a nut or a mint or anything,
shit like that, nothing?
(audience cheers)
Right.
And then you remember.
Oh my panties. Right?
It's disgusting.
Okay, I get that.
It is disgusting.
I'm like, "Boomboom,
no, I will eat anything,
I'm not gonna do that."
And she goes, "Well, no, they're
for him. They're for Lou."
And Lou's like catatonic.
You know? He's like "Ugh."
And then I'm like, "Okay,
Boomboom, I'll play.
What kind of flavors you got?"
And she said,
"Well we have strawberry
and peach and cherry."
I'm like, "that's it, Boomboom?
Lou doesn't like that fruity.
You know?
Let's get real. You got
some pizza panties?"
- No.
- No they don't.
Maybe some roast beef panties?
You know?
I will tell you, Boomboom,
Lou loves pulled pork. You
got any pulled pork panties?
Give me a dozen pulled
pork panties,
he will tear my ass apart.
Come on, bitch.
This is all available
to you in Santa Domingo.
I mean, it's so worth the trip,
okay?
And then she goes,
"Would you like to see
the wall of wienies?"
Right? I'm like, "yes."
I mean, you don't know
in the morning
to ask God for something, right?
You don't know what
to ask God for.
I would never have known
ask God to show me a
wall of wienies right?
(audience laughs)
Yes, you did, Douglas.
But I never thought of it
before, right?
So I'm like, "Yes, show me the
wall of wienies, Boomboom."
And the wall of wienies
is as big as this wall
with Jesus Christ.
Hello.
The Lord is watching
over us all.
This, very good.
Anyway, that's funny
because he's looking down
on the Strip Factory.
Anyway, So she's like,
"Would you like to?"
Yes, I wanna see a
wall of wienies,
and I'm not kidding you
there's like 300 electronic,
you know, boom booms.
(audience laughs)
It's very intimidating. Very.
And I'm like, "oh my God,
Boomboom,
what is that red one in the
middle covered with glass?"
And she's like, "That's the
fire extinguisher, Ma'am."
(audience laughs)
Yes. That was very embarrassing.
Yes. It was very embarrassing.
You know, if there was a trailer
park here in the Dominican,
I would move here, you know?
'Cause I love it that much,
but I have to have a trailer.
I'm very proud of the
trailer lifestyle.
I just, the only
thing embarrassing
about trailer parks
is their names.
Like my last trailer park
was Vista Manor,
you know, like we have
manners in there.
No, there's no manners
in there. No, you know?
I just wish I could find
a trailer park
with a realistic name.
Something that says something
about who we are, you know?
Like Misdemeanor Manor,
you know?
(audience cheers)
Maybe Section eight Estates.
Los Blancos Trashos.
I would love that.
(audience laughs)
Hm hmm. Hm hmm.
Yeah, we can go on forever here.
I am gonna.
(audience laughs)
I know it's late, but
I gotta say,
I just want to share
this with you.
And this is just my
own truth. I don't mean
It means anything to any of you,
okay?
But it changed my life.
One day, I don't know when,
when it happened or
why it happened,
but one day I have what I call
my (hand slaps) blowjob moment,
okay?
(audience laughs)
And it changed my life.
All right. It changed my life.
I mean, I used to try to diet,
you know,
I try to do anything to lose
weight except exercising
and cutting carbs, okay?
And then one day I had
this realization
and it changed everything, okay?
And I think the reason
that it did, ladies,
is the blowjob incorporates
the three things
the man's brain loves
the very best.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
Sex, doing
jack-shit-nothing and silence.
(audience laughs)
Okay?
I mean it. It's absolutely
changed my life.
It absolutely has.
I mean, I never get
outta bed in the morning
without the hot coffee
with the cream preheated
like I love it, okay?
I mean it, I haven't put the
gas in my car in so long,
I don't remember which
side the shit goes in on.
I am mean at that, I'm a
size 18 princess.
You know what I'm saying?
And the best part is
I have got it down to
47 seconds, Ralph, 47.
Right, I count it off
43, 44, 45, 46, 47, boom.
I almost always hit, right?
(audience laughs)
And the girls say to me,
"Vicki, what's your secret?"
(audience cheers)
It's very simple.
It's very simple. All
you have to do is focus.
Keep your mind on the
task at hand, okay?
You can't be like, "are those
Kohl's coupons still good?"
No.
(audience laughs)
you're gonna be there forever,
it just ruins everything.
Right on.
Have you ever been with a
trailer girl before, Ralph?
No, you'd remember, baby.
It's trailer nasty, okay?
First thing that happens, Ralph,
you come over to my trailer,
I shut the lights, I
get it so dark
I look just like her, okay baby?
All right.
Just I'm her twin, right?
I'm gonna throw you
down on my bed.
There's an old pepperoni pizza,
I don't give a crap about
that, hm hmm, hm hmm,
I'm gonna, I'm gonna love that.
I'm gonna lick that pepperoni
off Ralph Lauren's butt,
(moans jokingly)
trailer nasty, right?
Stop wasting your time and
money. Me and you baby.
We'll go down to 7-11, okay?
Or jumbo, whatever the
fuck we got around here.
Whatever's rolling
around that wheel.
Yummy yummy yummy, trailer
nasty.
Right?
I'll admit this now.
I actually developed a problem
with my relationship
with my vibrator.
Girls, we don't talk about
it much, but it happens.
It happened to me, okay? I did.
Well, and I had to get
professional help, and I did.
I joined Vibrators Anonymous,
okay?
And I'm I really mean this,
girls,
just for shits and giggles,
you should find a VA meeting.
I mean, you should go, okay?
I'm serious. You'll thank me.
People thank me all the time.
"Vicki it was fuckin'
hilarious."
Okay? I mean it.
If you think people at AA
meetings have the shakes, Uh uh.
(chuckling) No.
(audience laughs)
It's hysterical.
My sponsor, Pat,
she had a three-year
affair with a jackhammer.
(audience laughs)
Yes she did.
And she would say to me
"Vicky, one day at a time."
(audience cheers)
It's great. It's great.
And I just love you all
and want you all to know
that you don't have to
live in a trailer
to live the trailer
nasty lifestyle with me.
I mean that.
Right on, right on, right on.
I mean it.
If you shop for your kids
back-to-school clothes
at the lost-and-found box
at their school,
you are living the trailer
nasty lifestyle, okay?
If you find the cheapest vodka
you could possibly lay
your hands on,
the cheapest, generic
vodka you can find
and then you run that
through a Brita filter
four to six times, that
stuff is smooth as glass,
and you pour that into an
empty gray goose bottle
to share with your
family and friends.
Yeah. Baby.
Then you are living the
trailer nasty lifestyle, okay?
Girls, if you find yourself
using your leftover roast beef
to make your own edible panties,
then you are living the
trailer nasty lifestyle.
You guys have been great
for staying out all night.
Thank you so much. (blows
kiss) Much love.
(audience cheers)
(Caribbean music)
- Santiago de los Caballeros,
named after the 30
Spanish aristocrats
who followed Columbus
and settled here in 1495.
It was the country's
first capital
before a devastating
earthquake in 1562.
Today, the Dominican
Republic's second-largest city,
its affectionately
dubbed (speaks Spanish),
Or the city of heart.
(Caribbean music)
Puerto Plata, or port of silver
is the third largest city
in the Dominican Republic.
It is a trading port
for the island,
and if you've ever been
on a cruise to the island,
you will spend at
least a day here.
(Caribbean music)
One of the first aerial
tramways in the Caribbean,
which goes up to 2,600
feet or 793 meters
up to the Pico Isabel de Torres.
(Caribbean music)
It's know for beautiful
beaches and golf courses.
(Caribbean music)
Sosua Beach is often called
the Malibu of the Caribbean
for its mountainous beachfront.
(Caribbean music)
And if you wanna hide
from the world,
you can go to the secluded
island of Cayo Arena.
(Caribbean music)
Cabarete is famous for
surfing and all wider sports,
as well as barhopping.
(Caribbean music)
(audience cheers)
- [Rene] Thank you so much.
Have a blessed night, everybody.
(funky music)
(silly music)
Girls make me sing and shout
And Georgia always
(Vicki scats)
(silly music)
- Muy caliente
Mwah. love it, I love it.
Thank you so much.
This is amazing.
I'm telling you, I'm a
Black queen for the week.
To Barcelo Bavaro.
- Yeah.
- Salute.
(silly music)
- [Kiki] No.
Too much.
I'll have a bagel.
- (indistinct) both, both.
Kiki, get some food,
get some food.
- I'm on a diet.
(silly music)
- Hey
- They got one.
(cheering indistinctly)
Dominican style, baby.
Dominican style.
- That's how we do it.
- Yeah.
- Get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, (laughs)
(silly music)
(Caribbean music)