Broadway Melody of 1936 (1935) Movie Script
1
Don't bring a frown to old Broadway
You gotta clown on Broadway
Your troubles there are out of style
For Broadway always wears a smile
A million lights, they flicker there
A million hearts beat quicker there
No skies of gray on the Great White Way
That's the Broadway melody
You are my lucky star
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming, beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are
My lucky star
You are my
You are my lucky star
I saw you
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
They were beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth
For this poor mortal
You are
My lucky
Star
Thank you, Miss Langford.
Ladies and gentlemen, you have just
heard Miss Frances Langford singing:
"You Are My Lucky Star" from
the forthcoming musical production...
...Broadway Rhythm.
And now the Apex Brush Company again
brings to you that cracked columnist...
...of the New York World Tribune,
Bert Keeler, the voice of Broadway.
Giving you the inside dope
on what's what among the who's who.
- Take it, Bert.
- Good evening, you little scandal lovers.
This is Bert Keeler speaking,
the voice of Broadway.
Coming to you with all the late
indoor-sport results.
And am I hot tonight.
Flash. New York, New York.
The Park Avenue Bradley Masons
are anticipating a blessed event.
It's a boy at the William Tuckers.
Flash. Two dozen safety pins were ordered
this morning by the Howard Van Pelts.
Washington, D.C.
There's a rumor that Congress,
to help balance the national budget...
...will put a tax on all divorces.
Are you listening, Reno? Heh, heh.
Imagine all those lawyers
going back to work.
It's good? Flush.
Or flash: It's quintuplets at the
Tenth Avenue Angelo Pasquales.
This is their 16th blessed event.
Hmm, the stork must be using
the spare room.
Crash. It's a 72-pound boy at the home
of the Leslie, Park Avenue, Rockfords.
Flash: The stork left
by aeroplane at midnight...
...for the home of the Sidney O'Hares
in Baltimore-Happy landing.
Boy. Call Bert Keeler. Tell him to see me
as soon as he finishes his broadcast.
Yes, sir.
- Hi, chief. How'd you like the broadcast?
- Rotten.
Can't you write or talk about anything
else except who's gonna have a baby?
Why, chief, don't you like my baby talk?
No. Your column reads like
a clinical report.
Listen to this, "The stork is flying
high over the Conrad Barnums.
A bundle of joy
from heaven at the Bartons.
A blessed event threatens
the Campbells." It's old stuff.
But the public loves babies.
So do I, but I'm running a newspaper,
not a birth forecast.
Don't you think it gives my column
a homey feeling, sort of a domestic touch?
That's not Broadway.
Now get this, Keeler.
I want the stuff you get looking over
transoms and peeking through keyholes.
You can't get stuff through keyholes.
Sometimes the people aren't home.
Then you find out where they went and why.
Suppose I find them
and they're doing nothing wrong?
People are always doing something
wrong for a good reporter.
I see. You want the kind of stuff
that'll get me a sock in the nose.
That's right. And you won't be
making good until people hate you.
I want everybody in this
town looking for your scalp.
Mmm, nice journalistic future I have.
Don't worry. The minute I hear people
calling you a rat, I'll raise your salary.
All right, I'll be so big a rat
you can put a saddle on me.
Give that stork a rest.
Put your nose to the ground...
...and dig up some news that's hot,
and remember:
One more blessed event in your column
and you're through.
Okay, chief. The only births I'll mention
from now on will be on Pullmans.
Bert, who do you think is gonna
have a baby?
- Who?
- My mother.
- From now on nobody's gonna have babies.
- You can't stop my mother...
- ...from having a baby.
- I can stop it from having it in my column.
What I'm driving at is we gotta stop
watching the stork and pay attention...
- ...to keyholes and transoms.
- Why?
Because I'll lose my job.
And if I lose my job I've got to let you go.
- Why?
- Why?
Because when I'm out of work,
I don't need an assistant.
I gotta get the lowdown
on something important.
- Well, ain't babies important?
- The boss don't think so.
We gotta dig up some dirt. What banker
was seen with what chorus girl.
Does it have to be a banker
or a chorus girl?
No, but it's gotta be somebody important
who's doing something he shouldn't do.
Hey, looks like there's
something hot going on down there.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
It's Bob Gordon, the guy who's
producing Broadway Rhythm.
- He's talking to a dame.
- Who is she?
I think it's Lillian Brent.
- Lillian Brent?
- Yeah.
Say, she's got more dough
than you and I will ever have.
I'd like to help you out.
Investing money in a show
is risky business.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- I like taking chances.
- I'd get a kick out of it.
- I can't let you do it, Lillian.
- Don't you believe in your show?
- I do.
- It's the best thing I've ever written.
- That's good enough for me.
Look...
...who told you that I needed money?
What's the difference?
Well, I just didn't want you to think
I'd take advantage of our friendship.
You haven't.
You had nothing to do with it.
I like the idea of putting money
into your show and I'm going to do it.
But...
...we don't have to be too brutally
businesslike about it, do we?
It's a business proposition.
- Won't there be anything personal in it?
- Mm-hm.
- What?
- Your personal check.
Oh, Bob.
I know the show's gonna be a great
success and I want it to be, for your sake.
But, darling, please don't
become so interested in it...
...that you'll forget all about me?
How could I?
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus From your eyes
I got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
Foolin' with you
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I got a notion it's make-believe
And you are laughing right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth livin' while you are givin'
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out the
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-When I'm foolin' with you
When I'm foolin' with you
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just that well-known old Army game
Foolin' with you
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus from your eyes
- Snooper, do you know what this means?
- What?
Anytime a wealthy Park Avenue widow
gets chummy with a Broadway guy...
...the public wants to know why.
- Why, is that wrong?
- Not at all.
But one of them's got something
the other one wants.
It's the same in the Bronx.
- See Mr. Newcombe.
- Thank you.
- Is this Robert Gordon's office of Albany?
- What's that?
I say, is this Robert Gordon
of Albany's office?
Albany office? No, no. New York office.
Yes, I know. But what I mean is...
...is this Robert Gordon's office
in New York of Albany?
See if this is it.
You wanna know if this is Albany's
office of Robert Gordon's New Yor...
Now you got me doing it.
Don't go away.
I'll unravel you in a minute.
Hello? No, sorry, he isn't in.
Now then, let's start from scratch.
- Just who did you want to see?
- Bob.
Bob? You mean Mr. Gordon?
Yes.
- What's your name?
- Irene Foster.
- Of Albany.
- Why, yes.
How did you know?
- I'm psychic.
- Really?
- You know, Bob's from Albany too.
- Is that so?
We haven't seen each other
since he left high school.
For heaven's sake.
We were sort of...
- You know what I mean.
- Oh, you weren't.
Mm-hm. See this?
It's his school fraternity pin.
He gave it to me five years ago.
Gee, I'm dying to see him again.
Is he in?
Not yet. Have you an appointment?
Oh, no. I wanna surprise him.
He may not remember you after five years.
Oh, he'll remember me, all right,
especially this.
- What's that?
- We used to do that in school.
- You did that to each other?
- Uh-huh.
Why?
Well, because we were both born
in January.
Oh, I get it, the goat sign.
- A couple of goats.
- That's right.
Excuse me. I'm Bert Keeler
of the World Tribune.
- I'd like to see Bob Gordon.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
Well, maybe you can help me out.
You ought to know something about this.
Confidentially, who's banking
Gordon's show?
Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
It's, uh... It's Lillian Brent, isn't it?
- Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
- Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
All right, I'll wait.
That's the eyes and ears of Broadway,
with his nose in everybody's business.
Hey, pardon me.
If you're asleep, you forgot
to close your eyes.
Oh, I'm not sleeping.
I'm just practicing my...
Rehearsing my specialty.
What specialty?
Well, I'm sort of an expert on snores.
I've been trying to see
Mr. Gordon for a month.
What about?
Snoring.
I want to get into his show.
Snoring?
Precisely.
Of all the human sound phenomena...
...perhaps the most inhuman...
...to other people are the snorers.
Well, I agree with you.
It is a very unpopular indoor sport.
In discussing the human snore,
or what we call in scientific terms...
...soft-palate calisthenics...
...I need scarcely point out
that the basic snore...
...is the common or Pullman car form.
Like this:
Just an ordinary snore.
Yeah, it would be silly to waste
a good snore in a Pullman.
Snores are produced
by two movements of the breath...
...and so they may be classified
under two general headings...
...varied inspirational forms
and varied expirational forms.
We'll take up the latter first.
Go right ahead. It's very interesting.
All of these expirational forms
are dependent upon type one...
...which you've just heard,
for their inspirational element.
And so we have type 2-A...
...the labial or "ah-poo" variety.
You know, my... My grandmother
used to snore like that.
And 2-8 is the frictional
or non-lubricated form.
A little oil would help that one.
And 3-A is the sad or melancholy form.
Which often merges into 3-B...
...the conversational
or troubled-conscience variety.
I'm sorry, but I don't think my readers
would be interested in an organ recital.
But you haven't heard
the air-brake whistle snore...
- Hello, Gordon.
- Good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Gordon.
Good morning, Mr. Gordon.
Call the costumers and have them send
over the sketches for that ballet number.
Get in touch with Basil. I'd like to
start rehearsing as soon as possible.
Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Gordon.
He just didn't recognize you.
I know he didn't.
Why didn't you give him this?
I forgot to.
Well, it... It's always best to write
for an appointment.
I guess you're right.
Ask Mr. Gordon if he'll see me.
I gotta get back to the office.
Bert Keeler of the World Tribune
wants to see you.
Yes, sir.
He said he saw you on the way in.
Yeah? Well, ask him how I looked.
No, wait. Tell him I want some news
on the show. This is publicity.
He wants some news on the show,
Mr. Gordon.
He said it's publicity.
Yes, sir, I'll tell him.
What did he say?
He said when he wants publicity
he'll hire a publicity man.
Mm-hm. Well, he won't need one.
This is one thing Lillian Brent won't have to
pay for. Tell him to read my column.
Sing before breakfast
Help the birdies along
Before you have that buttered toast
Have a song
You've got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Oh, please go right ahead.
We were just working up
a little appetite for breakfast.
I didn't mean to interrupt, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
Come on over and join us.
Thanks.
This is my sister, Sally Burke.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
And my name is Theodore.
But just call me Ted.
- What's your name?
- Irene Foster.
That's a good name. For a girl.
- Have you had breakfast?
- Oh, yes.
Well, sit down and have some more.
I usually eat breakfast in the morning.
Well, we usually eat breakfast at noon,
it saves lunch. It's cheaper that way.
- You just moved here today, didn't you?
- Yes.
- Where you from?
- Albany.
Albany?
Hey, that's a swell town.
We played there once.
- Were we a panic in Albany.
- I'll say.
- What'd I do with those clippings?
- Ted?
Remind me to show you
those clippings. Terrific.
Oh, then you're in show business?
Yeah. What line are you in?
Well, I really came to New York
to see Robert Gordon.
- I thought he might give me a chance.
- Did you see him?
Yes, I saw him.
But he didn't remember me.
Was he, uh, supposed to?
Well, he should.
We went to school together.
Oh, I get it.
You're kind of that way over him, huh?
Well, kind of.
You're going back to see
Mr. Gordon again, aren't you?
- Never.
- Oh, you've got to.
Yeah, you got to.
Look, you can't let a little thing
like that upset you.
- Coffee?
- Thanks.
- Well, I really don't feel much like eating.
- Oh, trouble never upsets my appetite.
You got to sing before breakf...
- Never sing before breakfast.
- I don't believe in that stuff.
Look, you've spilt the salt.
Don't you pick some up...
- ...and throw it over your shoulder?
- No, I pick it up and throw it over my eggs.
But that's bad luck.
Don't be a superstitious dope
To walk beneath a ladder
Can never make you sadder
Things people fear to me bring hope
Thirteen's a lucky number
If you wake from slumber
And sing before breakfast
Help the birdies along
Before you have that buttered toast
Have a song
You got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your voice
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
Never cry at a thing
Before you eat that shredded wheat
Sing, just sing
- And sing, sister, before breakfast
- Sing, sing, sister, before breakfast sing
- Sister, before breakfast sing, sister
- Before breakfast
Open your mouth and sing
You got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your voice
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
Never cry at a thing
Before you eat that shredded wheat
Sing, just sing
And sing, and sing, and sing
And sing
Well, I'll see that he gets the message.
Yes, sir.
Miss Corbett, where did this come from?
A girl left it. Said to give it to you.
A girl?
Mr. Gordon, are you from Albany?
Yes, I am. Why?
And did you use to do this
to a girl you went to school with?
Sure, I remember.
- Irene Foster.
- That's it.
- Where is she?
- She's gone.
Gone? Where did she go?
- I don't know.
- Where's she stopping?
- I don't know.
- Didn't you get her address?
- No.
- That's a fine way to conduct an office.
Find out where she lives.
Go on, get busy, find her.
And hurry it up.
- Is Bob Gordon in?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Have you seen Bert Keeler's column?
- No. Why?
Well, listen to this:
Flash: Dan Cupid shoots a Park Avenue
arrow into the heart of Broadway.
Lillian Brent and Bob Gordon
are billing and cooing.
He's cooing until the billing
for his new show...
...is backed by cash in the bank."
How do you like that?
Wait a minute.
Get Bert Keeler on the phone
and tell him I want to see him.
Right away, Mr. Gordon.
How dare Bert print
such a thing in the paper.
That guy's been getting away
with murder lately by guessing lucky.
Somebody told him I was putting money
in the show.
- Did you?
- Don't look at me.
- I didn't crack to anybody.
- It won't happen again.
- But the damage is done.
- I'll say.
Oh, Mr. Gordon,
Mr. Keeler says if you wanna see him...
...you'll have to come to his office.
Oh, he did, did he?
All right, I'll do that.
Don't go, I'll be right back.
How do you like that? Ha!
Gordon wants me to come up to his office.
- He's a big guy in this town, isn't he?
- So am I.
The secret is to write
about big shots, not mingle with them.
I wonder if he'd be mad about that sock
you took at him.
Who cares? The more those guys burn,
the bigger I become.
Snoop, you know when a columnist
is sure he's a success?
- When?
- When the people he writes about...
...get sore and wanna see him.
Scully is right. Get them mad.
Make them tremble
when they pick up the paper.
- And that makes you a success, huh?
- That's right.
And furthermore, I'm doing a lot of good.
You may not realize it but I am.
People aren't likely...
- ...to go wrong for fear I'll print it.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
You know, Snoop.
I'm a reformer in a sense.
What sense?
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Hello, Gordon.
How is the show coming along?
Glad to hear it. You know Snooper...
- ...my assistant that digs up the dirt for me?
- Not all of it.
Keeler, I want a retraction of that item.
You mean that, uh... That little boost
I gave you in today's column?
I mean this cheap attack
you made against a friend of mine.
Why, Bob, that's publicity.
I usually get something
for that kind of stuff.
That's okay with me.
All right, Keeler, put that in your column.
Listen, when you hit him,
you gotta hit me too.
- Hey, Snoop.
- Yeah?
Remind me to ask for a raise tomorrow.
- Give me a napkin, will you?
- What's the matter with you?
- Don't you know how to dunk a doughnut?
- Sure, I just lost control, that's all.
- Look, what do you think that hole is for?
- Ventilation.
No, you're thinking of the holes
in cheese. It's for your thumb.
- Now, look, you put your thumb here...
- Yeah.
...your forefinger here and you do this.
I gotta run down to the office.
- If you hear any news give me a buzz.
- You forgot your check.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me, that was Bert Keeler
sitting here, wasn't it?
Yeah, why?
- Is he a friend of yours?
- Sure, Keeler and I are like that:
This is me on the bottom.
- He could do me a big favor, if he would.
- Yeah?
- Your order, please?
- Coffee and doughnut.
What about a favor Keeler could do you?
Well, the girl my boss is looking for
reads his column.
- Who's your boss?
- Robert Gordon. Do you know him?
- Oh, yes, we've met.
- Good.
- And who's the girl?
- Irene Foster and I've got to locate her.
Listen, Keeler's a great guy, he'll help you.
And besides, he does anything I say.
Then will you please tell him
to put in his column...
...that Robert Gordon
would like to locate Irene Foster?
- Listen. Do you wanna be a regular guy?
- Give me a match. What is it?
Put in your column that Bob Gordon is
anxious to get in touch with Irene Foster.
- Who's Irene Foster?
- A girl.
Yeah, I imagine that. Now what?
You see, she's from Albany.
That's Bob Gordon's hometown.
She checked out of high school
and came to see Gordon...
...but he didn't recognize her. So she
ankles out of his office feeling bad.
High-hatting his old friends, eh?
- No, he's sorry now.
- Where did you get all this?
- I got a connection in the office.
- Yeah?
Look, will you put it in your column
and mark it down as a favor to me?
The pleasure is all mine.
- Gee, you're a regular guy at that, Bert.
- Thanks.
And everybody in town
thinks you're a heel, but I don't anymore.
Well, thanks, Snoop. I...
Come in.
Mr. Keeler?
- Yeah.
- You remember me?
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
that goes around snoring at people.
Snoop. Snoop.
I want you to meet Mr., uh...
Mr...
- What's his first name?
- I don't know.
- He wants to get into Gordon's show.
- Yeah? What do you do?
I snore.
Oh, you're part of the audience.
No, I... You see, I'm really a research
professor of sound phenomena.
Hey, why don't you give him a sample
of whatever you're talking about?
Well, certainly.
Well, for instance, there's...
...the light and thin
or blond type of snore:
Or the larger and fuller
or brunette variety:
And there's the ascending diapason:
And the descending diapason:
And of course the double diapason:
- That's good.
- Yeah.
But, uh...
The evident sign of the experienced
and accomplished snorer...
...is type seven,
the interrupted inspiration...
...or static lag variety:
You know, I've been all through this.
Which merges and extends itself
ultimately...
...and I think I may say, without fear
of successful contradiction...
...almost inevitably into type eight...
...which might be called
the last word in snoring.
This is the auto-resuscitation,
or self-awakening variety:
Uh, shall I go on?
No, you stay and I'll go on.
I'll go with you.
Hey, why don't you come too?
'The Main Stem' by Bert Keeler.
"Gardenias to Irene Foster for
walking out on Bob Gordon.
Cabbages to him for not
recognizing the Albany beauty.
Some guys are like that.
They prefer widows,
especially if they are rich."
How do you suppose
he ever got a hold of that?
What do you care, as long
as your name's spelt right?
You can't keep any secrets from Keeler.
- Oh, I think that's awful.
- What do you mean awful?
Yeah. Say, onions from that guy...
...are better than chrysanthebubs
from anybody else.
Better than what?
Chrysanthemums.
- Why don't you go back and see Gordon?
- I will not.
You came here to see him, didn't you?
Yes, but I still have a little pride left.
So has Gandhi but he's getting awful thin.
You know, if you could only
do something besides dance.
Gordon can buy hoofers a dime a dozen,
but if you could do, say, a bubble dance...
...or a dance on a tightrope.
I remember a fellow once that had an act.
He used to dance and while he was
dancing he'd spin a rope with one hand...
...and play a saxophone with the other.
And in the meanwhile...
Oh, hello, what's your name?
My name is Eva Lovelace.
Of course I haven't done very much,
just a little stock in Boston.
Oh, that isn't really my name.
I just use that for the theater.
But it does have a sort of
melodious sound, don't you think?
Eva Lovelace.
Oh, I can see my name in lights now.
Oh, I do so wanna be a great actress.
A really, truly great actress.
Tell me, did you know
Ellen Terry and Sarah Bernhardt?
How I should love to be
like Sarah Bernhardt...
...and have my name in the hall of fame.
That's Katharine Hepburn in Morning Glory.
Who do you think it is, Shirley Temple?
Tell him that he'll never know
what he's done for me. Not really.
Our lives are like two rivers now,
running into one sea.
And that to be a great actress,
one must experience every emotion in life.
Oh, I know, don't ask me.
I just do know that I love him.
Really, I do.
That's very good. Now, with this fellow
with the rope and the saxophone.
In the meanwhile, the girl...
Oh, you.
And another thing, the circulation
of the paper is growing and what's doing it?
- Your column.
- Right.
You know, Snoop.
I'm gonna be syndicated.
Spread all over the country.
Hey, listen, if you hit him
you gotta hit me too.
Keeler, I'm warning you.
One more crack like that in your column
and I won't be so easy with you.
- Hey, Snoop.
- Yeah?
I can take it, can't I?
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus from your eyes
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
Foolin' with me
Girls, leave your name
and address with Miss Corbett.
Those we select will be notified later.
All right, line up down front here.
Come on, now.
All right, can you sing or dance?
I sing but I can dance in a pinch.
This is not a pinch, this is a show.
I'll take your name
and we'll call you in a pinch.
All right, next.
- Well, how tall are you?
- Oh, about up to here.
Okay, see Miss Corbett.
But I've had no experience.
You won't need any. Name, please.
My name is Irene Foster.
I'm 5'5" in my stocking feet...
...and I've had one
very unpleasant experience.
- What are you...?
- Shall I see Miss Corbett?
No. You better
come over here and see me.
Thanks.
Hmm. Looks like that's all
for today, girls.
- Well...
- Well?
Well.
- Well...
- You just said that.
Yeah, I know, but...
You're all grown up now.
I mean, you look older.
Well, I am older.
That usually happens to a girl
between the ages of 16 and 22.
Yeah, now that I look at you,
you haven't changed so much.
I recognized you instantly.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that.
My office is the last place in the world
that I'd expect to run into you.
You knew I'd get there someday.
We used to talk about it.
You were going to be the great producer
and I'd be a great star.
What funny, goofy dreams kids have.
That is a great gag,
your standing in line with those girls.
That wasn't any gag. I wanted a job.
Say, did you ever run into my friend,
Henry Schultz? What's he doing now?
Oh, he's running a delicatessen store.
Bob, won't you give me a chance?
You didn't come to New York to become
that great actress you talked about?
- That was one of the reasons.
- What was the other?
- I... I've forgotten.
- Well, I'll bet it was a lot more important.
Remember that summer in the Adirondacks
when we lived next door to each other?
I remember every day and...
And every night of that summer.
Up to five minutes ago,
I'd forgotten all about it.
Now I can't remember anything else.
Bob, you came to New York
and you made good.
Now, I've come to New York
and I wanna make good.
I want everything we ever planned
and dreamed about to come true.
So do I, Irene, but New York and Broadway,
they're not what we thought they were.
They're hard and cold.
A lovely creature like you
wouldn't have a chance here.
- Oh, Bob, you're wanted in the office.
- Later. I'm busy now.
It's important.
- Okay. Don't run away. I'll drive you home.
- All right.
- Basil.
- Yes.
Who is it?
- Lillian Brent.
- Listen, tell her I'll see her later.
She's been waiting all afternoon.
- She has, huh?
- And she's plenty burned up.
- Well, what'll I tell her?
- Never mind. I'll see her.
- Sorry to keep you waiting so long.
- You should be.
- Well, I was detained.
- So I understand.
In an empty theater with a chorus girl.
She isn't a chorus girl.
She's an old friend from my hometown.
Don't you think I'm more
important than anyone else?
Yeah, sure I do, Lillian.
You ought to know that.
In my imagination
I live the things I like to do
In my imagination
Make believe it's really true
In my imagination
I paint a scene of ecstasy
In my imagination
My hero sings these words
To me
You are my lucky star
I saw you
From afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
Beaming
I was starstruck
You're all
My lucky charms
I'm lucky
In your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are my lucky star
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
Beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are
My lucky star
Miss Foster.
- Miss Foster.
- Oh.
- Oh, hello.
- Boy, I wish I could concentrate like that.
- Is Mr. Gordon still busy?
- Oh, yes, he is.
He sent me to tell you that he's busy...
...and he won't be able
to take you home.
- He's terribly sorry and so am I.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
And another thing,
if I'm to be in your new show...
...I demand all the attentions
a leading lady deserves.
- Leading lady?
- Yes.
You haven't one, have you?
- No, not yet.
- Well, darling, you have now.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You know as well as I do
that this part needs a name.
If I can only get a star,
the show's bound to click.
And if you don't?
What then?
Well, I'll postpone production.
Why take a chance?
Listen. If I'm willing to take a chance,
you should be.
After all, darling.
I am putting up the money.
- Is that the way you feel about it?
- Exactly.
All right.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll gamble with you.
If I don't get a star for this show
in two weeks, I'll give you the part.
Do you really mean it?
- Positively.
- Oh, Bob.
Did you ring?
Yes.
Book passage for me on the first plane
leaving New York for Los Angeles.
- Yes, sir.
- But, Bob, why?
I'm going to Hollywood. I'm gonna find
a star for this show if I have to steal Garbo.
- There's a plane leaving for the coast at 9.
- And I'll be on it.
- Anything else?
- No, that'll be all.
Lillian, I've got an awful lot to do.
May I take you somewhere?
Yes. You can take me home.
- Oh, Miss Corbett.
- Yes, sir.
Don't tell anyone that I'm leaving.
- I want that kept quiet.
- Yes, Mr. Gordon.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hello.
- I ought to have you arrested.
- For what?
- For snooping.
- I didn't hear anything, honest, I didn't.
Except why Bob was talking to Lillian...
If you tell Bert Keeler what you heard,
I'll choke the socks off you.
- I never tell Bert Keeler anything.
- Promise me.
Well, I will if you'll have dinner
with me tonight.
I'll do it just for meanness.
Is this your idea of a dinner?
We'll have more doughnuts
and then I'll take you to a restaurant.
Oh, you're too good to me.
Hello, Snoop.
Hi, Bert.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Well, any news?
- No.
- Oh, secrets, huh?
- Honest, it's nothing you ought to know.
Just the kind of stuff I print. What is it?
Why don't you shut up?
Well, I ain't said nothing. Yet.
I guess you're looking for
another punch in the nose.
Yeah? Gordon won't ever do that again.
- Not if he's in California.
- No.
Oh, so that's it.
Gordon's going West, huh?
What did you promise me, Snoop?
Yes, Snoop.
What did you promise the lady?
I promised Kitty I wouldn't tell you
that Gordon had a fight with Lillian Brent.
- Snoop.
- What about?
It's nothing, it's just that he can't
get a leading lady for his show.
You ought to have a zipper on your mouth.
I don't know how to play one.
So Gordon can't get a leading lady?
Yeah. If he can't get one,
he's gonna let Lillian Brent play the part.
Well, why doesn't he get that French star?
- What French star?
- That... Oh, what's her name again?
La Belle Arlette, that's it.
- La Belle Arlette?
- Yes, Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette...
...from the Comdie Franaise in Paris.
Never heard of her.
Oh, my dear child, don't say that.
Everybody's heard of Arlette.
Haven't they, Snoop?
Oh, yeah, sure, certainly.
- What's she like?
- Tall, beautiful, blond.
Maybe Mr. Gordon'd be interested.
I have to be going.
Oh, thanks for the banquet, Snoop.
Anytime at all, Kitty.
Don't forget to tell Gordon about Arlette.
Hey, Bert, who's Mademoiselle Arlette?
Just a cigar.
Well, I can't get the angle of you
trying to kid her.
It isn't her. It's Gordon I want to rib.
She'll go back and tell Gordon
all about Arlette.
- Then I'll build her up in my column.
- But there is no Mademoiselle Arlette.
Nobody knows it but you and me.
Now I'm sorry you know it.
Not since the arrival of the Statue of Liberty
has France sent to this country...
...such a glamorous, beautiful
and talented personality...
...as Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette.
In this correspondent's opinion...
...it won't belong before Mademoiselle
La Belle Arlette's beauty, talent...
...charm and, uh...
...mildness will make her
the talk of the town.
Flash.
- Hello. Glad to see you back.
- Thanks. Anything new?
- Plenty. Hello.
- Hi, Bob. Have a good trip?
Terrible. Come on inside.
Miss Corbett, will you come in, please?
- Well, what happened in Hollywood?
- Nothing.
Those movie stars are guarded
like a Turkish harem.
That makes things tough.
What are you gonna do?
That's what I'd like to know.
Everybody's in pictures.
It's impossible to cast a show anymore.
Why, haven't you heard
about Mademoiselle Arlette?
- Who?
- Here, look.
- Haven't you read about her?
- No. Who is she?
I don't know, but Keeler's been
giving her boost in his column.
Why, every manager in town's after her.
Arlette?
- Where's she from?
- Paris.
- What's she look like?
- I don't know.
- You haven't seen her?
- No.
- Where's she stopping?
- I don't know.
Why? What have you been doing
while I was away?
Nobody knows where she is.
It's a mystery.
We've gotta get in touch with her.
Check every hotel in town.
Yes, sir.
All right, mademoiselle. Relax.
Hey, when can I get out of this harness?
My feet hurt.
You look about as effeminate
as Wallace Beery.
Now, look, Snoop, all you have to do
is sit here all day and answer the phone.
- Now, can you talk like a dame?
- I can try.
Let's hear it.
Buy me a Rolls-Royce, Daddy.
You're thinking like one anyway, but you
gotta get your voice higher, higher, way up.
Look, Snoop, if there's any soprano
in you, this is the time to bring it out.
- Now, try it again.
- Buy me... Ahem.
Buy me a Rolls-Royce...!
I can't.
Then we're stuck.
Say, maybe you better be a man.
What do you mean maybe?
- As Arlette's secretary.
- I'll feel more natural.
All right. What are you going to say?
- Remember, you're a French secretary.
- Yeah.
What are you gonna say when Gordon
asks for Mademoiselle Arlette?
- What are you going to say?
- Well, I'll say, "Bonjour, oui, oui.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy
with the rehearsal."
How's that?
Very good.
The other 50 million Frenchmen
must be wrong.
Well, does the dame
have to come from Paris?
Certainly, the publicity is out.
Gee, I wish you could speak French.
I speak French. Si, Si, seor.
That's Spanish.
Imagine that. I speak Spanish too.
Hello? Hotel Carlton?
Have you a Mademoiselle Arlette
registered there?
Oh, may I speak to her?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Now, hold it.
- Now, listen, you talk just like a secretary.
- Bonjour.
This is Robert Gordon's office.
May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?
Oui, oui.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
- Hello.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon...
...Arlette's on the wire. She's singing.
It's Arlette. Shh.
It's a cinch, it's not Crosby.
Hello?
Hello, this is Robert Gordon speaking.
May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?
Hey, it's Gordon.
I am sorry. Mademoiselle Arlette,
she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon.
- Miss Corbett.
I want you to send a telegram to Arlette.
Arrange for an interview.
Tell her that I must see her.
Yes. sir.
And, Mr. Gordon, Miss Foster's here.
Oh. Well, yeah, all right.
Have her come in.
All right, Miss Foster.
You can come in now.
- Hello, Irene.
- Hello, Bob.
Gee, I'm glad you dropped in. I've been
wondering if you were still in town.
Oh, I want you to meet
two friends of mine.
- Ted and Sally Burke.
- How do you do?
The Burkes?
Say, I remember you.
I caught your act in Detroit. You used
to work with a trained duck, didn't you?
- That's right.
- You still got that act together?
Everything but the duck.
You know, it's been
a kind of a tough winter.
- You mean you ate the act?
- Last Christmas.
- Oh, what are you doing now?
- Nothing since the duck died.
Mr. Gordon, this is Irene's appointment.
We just came with her.
She wants to go in your show.
She's got talent, plenty of it.
All she needs is a chance.
And you can give it to her.
- That's quite a compliment, Irene.
- Really, Mr. Gordon, Irene is clever.
We know. Don't we, Ted?
- Sure do.
- Well, I'd like to think it over, Irene.
- Casting a show is a very important matter.
- That's right.
Say, how'd you like to go
in my new show, both of you?
Take it easy, Mr. Gordon.
I got a weak heart.
Really, we didn't come
here to talk about ourselves.
- It's about Irene.
- Oh, that's all right, Sally.
- But you don't understand...
- Wait. I'm offering you a job.
- Don't you want it?
- We do.
- Well, then, it's settled.
- Oh, I think it's wonderful, Sally.
But what about you?
Mr. Gordon, what about Irene?
I'll talk with Irene alone.
- Come back, Ted. We'll talk about money.
- You won't find us hard to deal with.
That's fine. I'm glad you dropped in.
See you at the house, Irene.
- Goodbye, Sally.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.
- Goodbye, Ted.
Well, how do you feel now?
I feel terrible.
Terrible about what?
We go in to get her a job
and we come out with it.
I told you we didn't need that duck.
Well, I don't know what to say, Irene.
I want you to... Well, I want you
to understand how I feel about all this.
I want you to go back to Albany.
- But why, Bob? I've just come from there.
- That's what you gotta understand.
I know how it is.
You worked hard at what you were doing...
...saved your money and deprived yourself
of a lot of things you should've had.
So you could come to New York
and get a chance at what you wanted.
- I did that.
- I know you did.
But it isn't worth it.
What you get isn't what you came after.
I know that too.
Look, there's nothing for you here
in New York.
I could give you a bit in my show
and maybe you'd get another and another...
- That's all I want. That's enough for me.
- Yeah, but not for me.
If you were anyone else, okay.
But you're not.
I know what'd happen to you
here in New York.
I know how cheap and selfish this town is.
The easiest thing for me to do...
...is to give you the chance
and put you away and forget about it.
But I can't.
So I'm taking the hard way.
Won't you go back to Albany?
- Without even one try of what I want?
- Without even one try.
- Bob, do you honestly think it's best?
- I know it is.
All right, I'll go home.
Oh, say, by the way...
...whatever happened
to the fellow who gave you this?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him for years.
He's probably forgotten all about me.
Well, I imagine he ran off
and died somewhere, don't you?
I imagine so.
Well, uh...
...will you wear it for me?
Uh, I think you'd better go home and pack.
I'll pick you up in an hour
and drive you to the station.
Well, did you do yourself any good?
- I'm going back home.
- Why?
Well, he thinks it's best for me.
Oh, that's too bad.
But that's the way it goes in this racket.
- Are you sure you're not just stage-struck?
- Of course not.
Oh, I know I could do something
if I only had the chance.
You know.
I've heard that a million times but...
Well, for some reason or other,
I believe you.
You're the only one that does.
- Yes, sir?
- Why don't you answer when I ring?
- Come in here.
- Coming.
Oh. Stick around a few minutes, honey.
I wanna talk to you.
Yes, sir.
Miss Corbett,
get me a ticket and a compartment...
...on the afternoon train for Albany.
It's for Miss Foster.
- She's an awful nice kid, isn't she?
- Of course she is.
Mr. Gordon,
why are you sending her back?
You don't think I want her
to stay around this place, do you?
I think she'd like to.
Listen, will you stop worrying
about my private affairs?
Yes, sir.
Have you been able to get in touch
with Arlette?
I've been ringing her all morning.
All her secretary can say is:
"Mademoiselle, she is busy rehearsing.
Mademoiselle,
she is having her face lifted."
She's the busiest dame I ever saw.
All right, ring her again.
- I've gotta get in touch with her.
- Yes, sir.
Hello.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to Mademoiselle Arlette
if she's not baking a cake.
Bonjour. Oui, our.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
Doesn't that dame do anything
but rehearse?
I wanna talk to her. It's urgent.
This is Robert Gordon's secretary.
Hi, Kitty.
Say that again, you.
Hello!
- Good luck with the show, Bob.
- Thanks, Irene, I need it.
- I wish I were going back to Albany too.
- Oh, Albany is no place for you.
An amateur like me, maybe, but not you.
You've arrived in New York.
- That's where you belong.
- I know. I'd like to see the old place again.
What could possibly interest you
in Albany?
Well, you're going to be there.
Well, it's nice to know I'd interest you
in Albany anyway.
Do you know my address,
in case you come up for a visit...
- ...or if you wanna write or something?
- 560 Washington Avenue.
- Hmm! Quite a memory.
- I spent all last night trying to remember it.
Board!
- Goodbye, Irene.
- Goodbye, Bob.
Board!
- You know something?
- What?
I wish this train weren't pulling out.
Oh, I bet you tell that to all the girls.
- Mail this letter when you arrive in Albany.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You won't forget?
- No, ma'am, I won't.
Thank you.
Come on. Hurry. I've got a taxi waiting.
It's time for promenading
And I'll be with you soon
All the best folks are parading
On a Sunday afternoon
We'll rent a horse and carriage
And I'll be proud of you
We'll talk about a marriage
On the busy avenue
And then we'll ride To the countryside
I'll burst with pride In your Sunday gown
You're the talk of the town
Now, you can have the twilight
And you can have the moon
Give me those happy moments
On a Sunday afternoon
Now, you can have the twilight
And you can have the moon
Give me those happy moments
On a Sunday afternoon
Well, Bob, what do you think of it?
Well, the routine's okay.
What I'm worried about
is finding a star for this show.
- I'd like to talk to you.
- Hi, Lilly.
I just found a very cute little poem
about us in Keeler's column.
I'd like to read it to you.
Lilly was an amateur
Who had a lot of dough
Bob was just another guy
Who longed to do a show
Now Lil has the role she wants
And Bobby has his million
The woman pays, the woman plays
And Bob is stuck with Lillian
Can't you stop Keeler
from printing such stuff in his column?
If I continue writing this column,
I'll need a bodyguard.
- You're not yellow?
- No.
But can't you put me
on "Advice to the Lovelorn"
...or "How to Bake a Cake"?
Listen, your column's going strong.
You're a success.
People hate the ground you walk on.
Everybody in town wants to see you
hit by a taxi. Think of it.
Boy, am I hot. Everybody hates me.
- Ain't that swell, Snoop?
- Yeah.
Five people phoned me today
and called you a rat.
Isn't that sweet?
That entitles me to that raise, doesn't it?
- You get your raise.
- Fine. I'll buy some accident insurance.
Keep up the good work, my boy.
I may give you a bonus.
Thanks. Looks like I'll die a rich man.
If I live long enough.
Well, Snoop, here's another boost
for my friend Gordon.
This is the crowning point of our career.
Say, we've been crowned twice already.
That's applause to a good newspaperman.
Get this.
'Bob Gordon's efforts to get Mademoiselle
Arlette for his new play have failed.
People are asking why.
Maybe she read his play.
It's our guess that he will have to sign up
Lillian "No Talent" Brent as his lucky star.
This move should make Gordon
Broadway's public enemy number one."
- How do you like that? Right on the nose.
- Yeah, but whose nose?
Oh, you're not a bit optimistic.
That man is here again.
Hello, we were expecting you.
What's on your mind, Gordon? Unh!
Hey, listen...
- Hey, Snoop.
- What?
Get off. This is as far as we go.
What's the matter, hedging?
No, I'm not.
But this show means everything to me.
Oh, come on. Be regular.
Give me a few more days.
Listen, you promised me the lead...
...if you weren't able to find anybody
in two weeks.
Your time is up.
- Be reasonable, Lillian.
- No.
We made a bargain
and I expect you to live up to it.
All right.
There's your contract.
Sign here.
I suppose you know that if the show flops,
I'm ruined and you're out 60,000 bucks.
Yes, my sweet. I know all about that.
Now you sign, right under mine.
- Mr. Gordon.
- Yeah?
Mademoiselle Arlette,
she wishes to see you.
- Arlette? You mean she's here now?
- Yes, sir.
Sign this contract and stop stalling.
Not if there's a chance
of getting her for the part.
- All right, you have her come in now.
- Yes, sir.
Oh! Don't you get jittery.
- What'd he say?
- Don't you begin getting nervous.
I've lost 8 pounds
since we started this thing.
- Who's nervous?
- We'll both get the electric chair for this.
What's worse, I'm liable to lose my job.
Forget about that. I'm all right.
You'll see the best Frenchwoman...
...any high school dramatic society
ever turned out.
If this were only a high school society.
Do you know your name?
- Irene Foster.
- Oh, no, you're Mademoiselle Arlette...
...and you're from Paris
and you've been very busy rehearsing.
Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?
Yeah, well, it sounds a little Swedish
but I guess you'll get by, I hope.
Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?
Yes, of course, I did, mademoiselle,
some time ago...
...but, well, I'd given up hope
of ever seeing you.
You see, I have been very,
very busy rehearsing.
Yeah. Pardon me.
May I present Miss Lillian Brent?
And why not?
I am always happy to meet people.
- How do you do?
- Delighted.
If you don't mind, Bob, I'll run along.
Would you kindly ask Mr. Gordon
to call me tonight if he's not too busy?
- I'll make a note of that.
- Thanks.
- Snoop.
- Yeah?
Get a load of this.
"Bob Gordon signs Mademoiselle Arlette
for new show Broadway Rhythm.
The beautiful and talented
French actress, Arlette...
...has signed a contract to star in Bob
Gordon's Broadway Rhythm production.
The young producer is to be complimented
for having secured the services of Arlette.
Rehearsals start today."
What do you think of that?
Hey, that's a beautiful dame.
But how can Gordon sign Arlette
when there is no Arlette?
That's what I'd like to know.
- Snoop.
- What?
Have you spoken to anyone
since the last time I was here?
Yeah, a lot of people.
What did you say?
"Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy..."
No, no, no, Snoop.
Did you say anything else?
- Yeah.
- What?
- "She is very, very busy."
- No, no. Look.
Look, Snoop, I want you to think.
Look, I don't want you to strain yourself.
I just want you to think.
About what?
Is there anyone in particular you remember
speaking to while I was away?
- Yeah.
- Who?
Kitty Corbett, Bob Gordon's secretary.
What did you say?
"Mademoiselle Arlette, she..."
Besides that?
I said, "Hi, Kitty."
- What?
- But I hung right up.
- You know me, trigger judgment.
- Oh, you hung up?
Whenever I'm through with the phone,
I hang up the receiver.
That's smart. Have you seen her since?
- Yeah, she was here.
- Here?
What did she say?
I don't know. I was asleep.
Asleep?
- She was here and you were asleep?
- Yeah, I dozed off.
She left this.
- Well, of all the dumb guys...
- Don't worry about Corbett.
She won't tip the gag off. She said so.
Just the same, I gotta find out who this
dame is that Gordon's got signed up.
What do you want me to do?
Go down to the ocean
and pull a wave over your head.
Well, that's not so good,
but I guess it'll have to do.
Take five minutes' rest.
Five minutes' rest.
Who is it?
- Mademoiselle Arlette?
- Oui, monsieur.
Mr. Gordon's ready to see your number.
Trs bien, I come, toute de suite.
All right.
Hey, keep your fingers crossed.
Oh, my.
Ah, ban/our, Monsieur Gordon,
you ready for me, yes?
- Yes, mademoiselle. All ready.
- Merci beaucoup.
You know Mademoiselle
Arlette's music, yes?
Why, no, mademoiselle, I don't.
Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. Too bad.
Then you play for me something like...
How you say, like...?
Like:
- Oh, no, no, no, monsieur, no.
- No?
Something with the... Ah!
With rhythm, n'est-ce pas?
- Yes?
- You mean hot.
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Ah! Very good.
No, no, no. No.
That is all wrong. Don't play anything.
Oh, monsieur, I am so sorry.
You see, he does not understand.
Well, mademoiselle,
may I get you another pianist?
Oh, no, no, no.
I tell you, I do for you like I did in Paris
without any music.
It is much better that way.
Ah! You like this one, no?
You got him, sister. You got him.
This Arlette you've been spreading
all over your column...
...do you know who she is?
Yeah. She's a 5-cent cigar
and a very bad smoke.
Maybe so. But there
is a Mademoiselle Arlette living in Paris...
...and she threatens suit.
Read that cable.
What are you gonna do about that?
Don't worry, chief.
I'm killing Arlette tonight.
- Killing her?
- Everything will be taken care of.
There won't be any bloodshed,
just a nice quiet assassination.
And don't send orchids.
Oh, no, no, no, Monsieur Gordon,
I never, never go out in public.
Tonight you've got to make an exception.
I've invited the press and the cast.
The whole party is for you.
Why, the publicity alone
will put the show over.
Oh, come on, please say you'll go.
Trs bien, if you insist.
Ha, ha, swell.
Hello?
It's for you, mademoiselle.
Merci.
- Hello? Oui?
- This is Bert Keeler of the World Tribune.
I wanna see you at my office right away.
If you're as smart as I think you are,
you'll grab a taxi and hurry over.
I come at once.
Anything wrong?
- No, no, no, nothing of importance.
- Oh, whatever it is, I'd like to help you.
Monsieur Gordon,
you will excuse me, please. I must go.
Can't I go with you?
Oh, no, man chri, this is one time,
Arlette, she must be alone.
All right.
Au revoir, until tonight.
Monsieur Keeler, you sent for me, no?
I'm Keeler and I sent for you, yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You see, I have been very, very busy...
- ...rehearsing.
- Rehearsing.
If you're a French, I'm a Chinaman.
- That is possible.
- Sit down.
You know, I'm very happy to meet you.
- Oh, monsieur.
- You can call me mister.
What made you think you could
get away with a gag like this?
Gag? Well, what is it, gag?
Now listen, sister, if you wanna play games
with me, I'll send out for some Parcheesi.
I don't like cheese.
- Well?
- Well?
All right, I'll handle it another way.
Get Bob Gordon on the phone.
Don't do that, please.
Okay, skip it.
Now, talk fast.
I wanted to get into Bob's show
and this was the only way to do it.
- Why?
- He wouldn't give me a chance...
...under my right name.
But as Arlette, he thinks I'm terrific.
He may be right
and that's what I'm afraid of.
Well, the party's over.
I'm sorry I have to ruin
a perfectly good racket.
- Why?
- Why?
I build up a phony Arlette as a gag.
You step in,
Gordon cashes in on the publicity...
...and I'm the biggest chump
on Broadway.
- And everybody lived happily ever after.
- But not on me.
Now, listen, I made Arlette
and I can break her.
I got a paper behind me
that'll print anything I write.
Here's my column for tomorrow. Get this.
"Arlette refuses Gordon's ridiculous offer
and sails for France today."
And everybody lived happily ever after.
Without Arlette.
You'd deliberately ruin
Bob Gordon's show...
...just to get even for a couple of harmless
blows on the jaw?
Harmless?
My getting into this show means a lot to me
but it means much more to Bob.
And I'm going to protect him.
I don't care what you write about me
in that column of yours. Get this straight.
You can't stop Arlette from opening
in that show tomorrow night.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If you don't think I can do it,
maybe the real Arlette can stop you.
The real Arlette?
There isn't any real Arlette.
That's what I thought.
Here's a cablegram we got from Paris.
"Unless you discontinue publicity...
...in your column and expose person
masquerading as Arlette...
...my attorneys will bring suit
against you and Gordon.
Mademoiselle Arlette."
What do you think of that?
Gordon's giving her a banquet.
If she doesn't show as Arlette,
we're in for another sock in the nose.
I can't help that.
I'm sorry, kid, I had to do this.
Just a minute.
You know, you're not in such
a healthy spot yourself.
Whatever Bob and I have done
was based on your phony information.
Now, you listen to me.
- I can't understand why she isn't here.
- I can't understand...
- ...why she didn't come with you.
- She'd rather come alone.
- Go phone the hotel. See if she's left yet.
- Right-o.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, Mr. Keeler.
- Good evening.
This way, please.
- Good evening, Mr. Gordon.
- Hello.
Irene.
Oh, hello, Bob.
What on earth are you doing
back in New York?
I didn't go home.
I've been here all the time.
Why didn't you let me know?
I really didn't think you were interested.
Pardon me, Bob, but Miss Foster
is my guest for this evening.
Come, Irene.
Sorry, Bob.
I'm terribly nervous, Mr. Keeler.
Yeah? How do you think I feel?
You know, this wasn't my idea.
Bob, get a load of this
in Keeler's column.
- Another one of Keeler's ribs.
- At your expense.
- What?
- I've checked everywhere. I can't locate her.
- Call her hotel. She's there.
- I've called twice. She's not there.
They said she checked out
late this afternoon.
Don't you think we ought to tell him?
Say, how would you like a sock
in the nose?
Now, go ahead.
You've just got time to make it.
Broadway, street of a million lights
Broadway, street of a million sights
Broadway, street of a million nights
Nights of pain and tears and sorrow
Nights that promise gay tomorrows
But up or down or sad or gay
There's something in this old Broadway
That makes you tingle in and out
That makes you stand right up and shout
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Out on the gay White Way
In each merry caf, orchestras play
Taking your breath away
With that Broadway rhythm
It's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
When I hear that happy beat
Feel like dancing down the street
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
Writhing, beating rhythm
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
On the gay White Way
In each merry caf
Orchestras play
Taking your breath away
With that Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Everybody sing and dance
Broadway rhythm
Broadway rhythm
Broadway rhythm, it's got you, it's for me
Everybody dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance, dance on Broadway
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Dance
Dance
Dance
Dance, if your head is reeling, dance
If you have no feeling, dance
If you're hot and breathing, dance
If you wake up screaming
Broadway rhythm, it gets you
Everybody sing and
Dance all night
Rhythm for dances got rhythm
Of Broadway
- Here, I got the boss for you.
- Hello, Keeler speaking.
Stop press,
flash a new lead mainstem column:
"What Bob Gordon will lead
which Irene Foster down the bridal path...
...after premiere of Broadway Rhythm?
What unidentified body,
named Bert Keeler...
...was chosen as best man
by popular acclaim?
Question mark, exclamation point."
That sounds to me like
the 2-A, the ah-poo variety.
No, no, I think that's 7-3,
the super-static lag.
Oh, Mr. Keeler, you're both wrong.
That was 5-A, the wah-wah...
I saw you from afar
You are my Shearer, Crawford, Hepburn
Harlow and my Garbo
You are my lucky star
You are my lucky star
Don't bring a frown to old Broadway
You gotta clown on Broadway
Your troubles there are out of style
For Broadway always wears a smile
A million lights, they flicker there
A million hearts beat quicker there
No skies of gray on the Great White Way
That's the Broadway melody
You are my lucky star
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming, beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are
My lucky star
You are my
You are my lucky star
I saw you
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
They were beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth
For this poor mortal
You are
My lucky
Star
Thank you, Miss Langford.
Ladies and gentlemen, you have just
heard Miss Frances Langford singing:
"You Are My Lucky Star" from
the forthcoming musical production...
...Broadway Rhythm.
And now the Apex Brush Company again
brings to you that cracked columnist...
...of the New York World Tribune,
Bert Keeler, the voice of Broadway.
Giving you the inside dope
on what's what among the who's who.
- Take it, Bert.
- Good evening, you little scandal lovers.
This is Bert Keeler speaking,
the voice of Broadway.
Coming to you with all the late
indoor-sport results.
And am I hot tonight.
Flash. New York, New York.
The Park Avenue Bradley Masons
are anticipating a blessed event.
It's a boy at the William Tuckers.
Flash. Two dozen safety pins were ordered
this morning by the Howard Van Pelts.
Washington, D.C.
There's a rumor that Congress,
to help balance the national budget...
...will put a tax on all divorces.
Are you listening, Reno? Heh, heh.
Imagine all those lawyers
going back to work.
It's good? Flush.
Or flash: It's quintuplets at the
Tenth Avenue Angelo Pasquales.
This is their 16th blessed event.
Hmm, the stork must be using
the spare room.
Crash. It's a 72-pound boy at the home
of the Leslie, Park Avenue, Rockfords.
Flash: The stork left
by aeroplane at midnight...
...for the home of the Sidney O'Hares
in Baltimore-Happy landing.
Boy. Call Bert Keeler. Tell him to see me
as soon as he finishes his broadcast.
Yes, sir.
- Hi, chief. How'd you like the broadcast?
- Rotten.
Can't you write or talk about anything
else except who's gonna have a baby?
Why, chief, don't you like my baby talk?
No. Your column reads like
a clinical report.
Listen to this, "The stork is flying
high over the Conrad Barnums.
A bundle of joy
from heaven at the Bartons.
A blessed event threatens
the Campbells." It's old stuff.
But the public loves babies.
So do I, but I'm running a newspaper,
not a birth forecast.
Don't you think it gives my column
a homey feeling, sort of a domestic touch?
That's not Broadway.
Now get this, Keeler.
I want the stuff you get looking over
transoms and peeking through keyholes.
You can't get stuff through keyholes.
Sometimes the people aren't home.
Then you find out where they went and why.
Suppose I find them
and they're doing nothing wrong?
People are always doing something
wrong for a good reporter.
I see. You want the kind of stuff
that'll get me a sock in the nose.
That's right. And you won't be
making good until people hate you.
I want everybody in this
town looking for your scalp.
Mmm, nice journalistic future I have.
Don't worry. The minute I hear people
calling you a rat, I'll raise your salary.
All right, I'll be so big a rat
you can put a saddle on me.
Give that stork a rest.
Put your nose to the ground...
...and dig up some news that's hot,
and remember:
One more blessed event in your column
and you're through.
Okay, chief. The only births I'll mention
from now on will be on Pullmans.
Bert, who do you think is gonna
have a baby?
- Who?
- My mother.
- From now on nobody's gonna have babies.
- You can't stop my mother...
- ...from having a baby.
- I can stop it from having it in my column.
What I'm driving at is we gotta stop
watching the stork and pay attention...
- ...to keyholes and transoms.
- Why?
Because I'll lose my job.
And if I lose my job I've got to let you go.
- Why?
- Why?
Because when I'm out of work,
I don't need an assistant.
I gotta get the lowdown
on something important.
- Well, ain't babies important?
- The boss don't think so.
We gotta dig up some dirt. What banker
was seen with what chorus girl.
Does it have to be a banker
or a chorus girl?
No, but it's gotta be somebody important
who's doing something he shouldn't do.
Hey, looks like there's
something hot going on down there.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
It's Bob Gordon, the guy who's
producing Broadway Rhythm.
- He's talking to a dame.
- Who is she?
I think it's Lillian Brent.
- Lillian Brent?
- Yeah.
Say, she's got more dough
than you and I will ever have.
I'd like to help you out.
Investing money in a show
is risky business.
- I wouldn't advise it.
- I like taking chances.
- I'd get a kick out of it.
- I can't let you do it, Lillian.
- Don't you believe in your show?
- I do.
- It's the best thing I've ever written.
- That's good enough for me.
Look...
...who told you that I needed money?
What's the difference?
Well, I just didn't want you to think
I'd take advantage of our friendship.
You haven't.
You had nothing to do with it.
I like the idea of putting money
into your show and I'm going to do it.
But...
...we don't have to be too brutally
businesslike about it, do we?
It's a business proposition.
- Won't there be anything personal in it?
- Mm-hm.
- What?
- Your personal check.
Oh, Bob.
I know the show's gonna be a great
success and I want it to be, for your sake.
But, darling, please don't
become so interested in it...
...that you'll forget all about me?
How could I?
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus From your eyes
I got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
Foolin' with you
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I got a notion it's make-believe
And you are laughing right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth livin' while you are givin'
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out the
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-No foolin'
-When I'm foolin' with you
When I'm foolin' with you
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just that well-known old Army game
Foolin' with you
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus from your eyes
- Snooper, do you know what this means?
- What?
Anytime a wealthy Park Avenue widow
gets chummy with a Broadway guy...
...the public wants to know why.
- Why, is that wrong?
- Not at all.
But one of them's got something
the other one wants.
It's the same in the Bronx.
- See Mr. Newcombe.
- Thank you.
- Is this Robert Gordon's office of Albany?
- What's that?
I say, is this Robert Gordon
of Albany's office?
Albany office? No, no. New York office.
Yes, I know. But what I mean is...
...is this Robert Gordon's office
in New York of Albany?
See if this is it.
You wanna know if this is Albany's
office of Robert Gordon's New Yor...
Now you got me doing it.
Don't go away.
I'll unravel you in a minute.
Hello? No, sorry, he isn't in.
Now then, let's start from scratch.
- Just who did you want to see?
- Bob.
Bob? You mean Mr. Gordon?
Yes.
- What's your name?
- Irene Foster.
- Of Albany.
- Why, yes.
How did you know?
- I'm psychic.
- Really?
- You know, Bob's from Albany too.
- Is that so?
We haven't seen each other
since he left high school.
For heaven's sake.
We were sort of...
- You know what I mean.
- Oh, you weren't.
Mm-hm. See this?
It's his school fraternity pin.
He gave it to me five years ago.
Gee, I'm dying to see him again.
Is he in?
Not yet. Have you an appointment?
Oh, no. I wanna surprise him.
He may not remember you after five years.
Oh, he'll remember me, all right,
especially this.
- What's that?
- We used to do that in school.
- You did that to each other?
- Uh-huh.
Why?
Well, because we were both born
in January.
Oh, I get it, the goat sign.
- A couple of goats.
- That's right.
Excuse me. I'm Bert Keeler
of the World Tribune.
- I'd like to see Bob Gordon.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
Well, maybe you can help me out.
You ought to know something about this.
Confidentially, who's banking
Gordon's show?
Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
It's, uh... It's Lillian Brent, isn't it?
- Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
- Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.
All right, I'll wait.
That's the eyes and ears of Broadway,
with his nose in everybody's business.
Hey, pardon me.
If you're asleep, you forgot
to close your eyes.
Oh, I'm not sleeping.
I'm just practicing my...
Rehearsing my specialty.
What specialty?
Well, I'm sort of an expert on snores.
I've been trying to see
Mr. Gordon for a month.
What about?
Snoring.
I want to get into his show.
Snoring?
Precisely.
Of all the human sound phenomena...
...perhaps the most inhuman...
...to other people are the snorers.
Well, I agree with you.
It is a very unpopular indoor sport.
In discussing the human snore,
or what we call in scientific terms...
...soft-palate calisthenics...
...I need scarcely point out
that the basic snore...
...is the common or Pullman car form.
Like this:
Just an ordinary snore.
Yeah, it would be silly to waste
a good snore in a Pullman.
Snores are produced
by two movements of the breath...
...and so they may be classified
under two general headings...
...varied inspirational forms
and varied expirational forms.
We'll take up the latter first.
Go right ahead. It's very interesting.
All of these expirational forms
are dependent upon type one...
...which you've just heard,
for their inspirational element.
And so we have type 2-A...
...the labial or "ah-poo" variety.
You know, my... My grandmother
used to snore like that.
And 2-8 is the frictional
or non-lubricated form.
A little oil would help that one.
And 3-A is the sad or melancholy form.
Which often merges into 3-B...
...the conversational
or troubled-conscience variety.
I'm sorry, but I don't think my readers
would be interested in an organ recital.
But you haven't heard
the air-brake whistle snore...
- Hello, Gordon.
- Good morning.
Good morning, Mr. Gordon.
Good morning, Mr. Gordon.
Call the costumers and have them send
over the sketches for that ballet number.
Get in touch with Basil. I'd like to
start rehearsing as soon as possible.
Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Gordon.
He just didn't recognize you.
I know he didn't.
Why didn't you give him this?
I forgot to.
Well, it... It's always best to write
for an appointment.
I guess you're right.
Ask Mr. Gordon if he'll see me.
I gotta get back to the office.
Bert Keeler of the World Tribune
wants to see you.
Yes, sir.
He said he saw you on the way in.
Yeah? Well, ask him how I looked.
No, wait. Tell him I want some news
on the show. This is publicity.
He wants some news on the show,
Mr. Gordon.
He said it's publicity.
Yes, sir, I'll tell him.
What did he say?
He said when he wants publicity
he'll hire a publicity man.
Mm-hm. Well, he won't need one.
This is one thing Lillian Brent won't have to
pay for. Tell him to read my column.
Sing before breakfast
Help the birdies along
Before you have that buttered toast
Have a song
You've got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
- Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Oh, please go right ahead.
We were just working up
a little appetite for breakfast.
I didn't mean to interrupt, I'm sorry.
That's all right.
Come on over and join us.
Thanks.
This is my sister, Sally Burke.
- How do you do?
- Hello.
And my name is Theodore.
But just call me Ted.
- What's your name?
- Irene Foster.
That's a good name. For a girl.
- Have you had breakfast?
- Oh, yes.
Well, sit down and have some more.
I usually eat breakfast in the morning.
Well, we usually eat breakfast at noon,
it saves lunch. It's cheaper that way.
- You just moved here today, didn't you?
- Yes.
- Where you from?
- Albany.
Albany?
Hey, that's a swell town.
We played there once.
- Were we a panic in Albany.
- I'll say.
- What'd I do with those clippings?
- Ted?
Remind me to show you
those clippings. Terrific.
Oh, then you're in show business?
Yeah. What line are you in?
Well, I really came to New York
to see Robert Gordon.
- I thought he might give me a chance.
- Did you see him?
Yes, I saw him.
But he didn't remember me.
Was he, uh, supposed to?
Well, he should.
We went to school together.
Oh, I get it.
You're kind of that way over him, huh?
Well, kind of.
You're going back to see
Mr. Gordon again, aren't you?
- Never.
- Oh, you've got to.
Yeah, you got to.
Look, you can't let a little thing
like that upset you.
- Coffee?
- Thanks.
- Well, I really don't feel much like eating.
- Oh, trouble never upsets my appetite.
You got to sing before breakf...
- Never sing before breakfast.
- I don't believe in that stuff.
Look, you've spilt the salt.
Don't you pick some up...
- ...and throw it over your shoulder?
- No, I pick it up and throw it over my eggs.
But that's bad luck.
Don't be a superstitious dope
To walk beneath a ladder
Can never make you sadder
Things people fear to me bring hope
Thirteen's a lucky number
If you wake from slumber
And sing before breakfast
Help the birdies along
Before you have that buttered toast
Have a song
You got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your voice
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
Never cry at a thing
Before you eat that shredded wheat
Sing, just sing
- And sing, sister, before breakfast
- Sing, sing, sister, before breakfast sing
- Sister, before breakfast sing, sister
- Before breakfast
Open your mouth and sing
You got to sing before breakfast
Green a tune and rejoice
Before you use that coffeepot
Use your voice
The whole world may seem funny
But it is good enough
If you run out of money, honey
Put it on the cuff
And sing before breakfast
Never cry at a thing
Before you eat that shredded wheat
Sing, just sing
And sing, and sing, and sing
And sing
Well, I'll see that he gets the message.
Yes, sir.
Miss Corbett, where did this come from?
A girl left it. Said to give it to you.
A girl?
Mr. Gordon, are you from Albany?
Yes, I am. Why?
And did you use to do this
to a girl you went to school with?
Sure, I remember.
- Irene Foster.
- That's it.
- Where is she?
- She's gone.
Gone? Where did she go?
- I don't know.
- Where's she stopping?
- I don't know.
- Didn't you get her address?
- No.
- That's a fine way to conduct an office.
Find out where she lives.
Go on, get busy, find her.
And hurry it up.
- Is Bob Gordon in?
- Yes.
Thank you.
- Have you seen Bert Keeler's column?
- No. Why?
Well, listen to this:
Flash: Dan Cupid shoots a Park Avenue
arrow into the heart of Broadway.
Lillian Brent and Bob Gordon
are billing and cooing.
He's cooing until the billing
for his new show...
...is backed by cash in the bank."
How do you like that?
Wait a minute.
Get Bert Keeler on the phone
and tell him I want to see him.
Right away, Mr. Gordon.
How dare Bert print
such a thing in the paper.
That guy's been getting away
with murder lately by guessing lucky.
Somebody told him I was putting money
in the show.
- Did you?
- Don't look at me.
- I didn't crack to anybody.
- It won't happen again.
- But the damage is done.
- I'll say.
Oh, Mr. Gordon,
Mr. Keeler says if you wanna see him...
...you'll have to come to his office.
Oh, he did, did he?
All right, I'll do that.
Don't go, I'll be right back.
How do you like that? Ha!
Gordon wants me to come up to his office.
- He's a big guy in this town, isn't he?
- So am I.
The secret is to write
about big shots, not mingle with them.
I wonder if he'd be mad about that sock
you took at him.
Who cares? The more those guys burn,
the bigger I become.
Snoop, you know when a columnist
is sure he's a success?
- When?
- When the people he writes about...
...get sore and wanna see him.
Scully is right. Get them mad.
Make them tremble
when they pick up the paper.
- And that makes you a success, huh?
- That's right.
And furthermore, I'm doing a lot of good.
You may not realize it but I am.
People aren't likely...
- ...to go wrong for fear I'll print it.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
You know, Snoop.
I'm a reformer in a sense.
What sense?
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Copy boy.
Hello, Gordon.
How is the show coming along?
Glad to hear it. You know Snooper...
- ...my assistant that digs up the dirt for me?
- Not all of it.
Keeler, I want a retraction of that item.
You mean that, uh... That little boost
I gave you in today's column?
I mean this cheap attack
you made against a friend of mine.
Why, Bob, that's publicity.
I usually get something
for that kind of stuff.
That's okay with me.
All right, Keeler, put that in your column.
Listen, when you hit him,
you gotta hit me too.
- Hey, Snoop.
- Yeah?
Remind me to ask for a raise tomorrow.
- Give me a napkin, will you?
- What's the matter with you?
- Don't you know how to dunk a doughnut?
- Sure, I just lost control, that's all.
- Look, what do you think that hole is for?
- Ventilation.
No, you're thinking of the holes
in cheese. It's for your thumb.
- Now, look, you put your thumb here...
- Yeah.
...your forefinger here and you do this.
I gotta run down to the office.
- If you hear any news give me a buzz.
- You forgot your check.
Yeah.
Uh, excuse me, that was Bert Keeler
sitting here, wasn't it?
Yeah, why?
- Is he a friend of yours?
- Sure, Keeler and I are like that:
This is me on the bottom.
- He could do me a big favor, if he would.
- Yeah?
- Your order, please?
- Coffee and doughnut.
What about a favor Keeler could do you?
Well, the girl my boss is looking for
reads his column.
- Who's your boss?
- Robert Gordon. Do you know him?
- Oh, yes, we've met.
- Good.
- And who's the girl?
- Irene Foster and I've got to locate her.
Listen, Keeler's a great guy, he'll help you.
And besides, he does anything I say.
Then will you please tell him
to put in his column...
...that Robert Gordon
would like to locate Irene Foster?
- Listen. Do you wanna be a regular guy?
- Give me a match. What is it?
Put in your column that Bob Gordon is
anxious to get in touch with Irene Foster.
- Who's Irene Foster?
- A girl.
Yeah, I imagine that. Now what?
You see, she's from Albany.
That's Bob Gordon's hometown.
She checked out of high school
and came to see Gordon...
...but he didn't recognize her. So she
ankles out of his office feeling bad.
High-hatting his old friends, eh?
- No, he's sorry now.
- Where did you get all this?
- I got a connection in the office.
- Yeah?
Look, will you put it in your column
and mark it down as a favor to me?
The pleasure is all mine.
- Gee, you're a regular guy at that, Bert.
- Thanks.
And everybody in town
thinks you're a heel, but I don't anymore.
Well, thanks, Snoop. I...
Come in.
Mr. Keeler?
- Yeah.
- You remember me?
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
that goes around snoring at people.
Snoop. Snoop.
I want you to meet Mr., uh...
Mr...
- What's his first name?
- I don't know.
- He wants to get into Gordon's show.
- Yeah? What do you do?
I snore.
Oh, you're part of the audience.
No, I... You see, I'm really a research
professor of sound phenomena.
Hey, why don't you give him a sample
of whatever you're talking about?
Well, certainly.
Well, for instance, there's...
...the light and thin
or blond type of snore:
Or the larger and fuller
or brunette variety:
And there's the ascending diapason:
And the descending diapason:
And of course the double diapason:
- That's good.
- Yeah.
But, uh...
The evident sign of the experienced
and accomplished snorer...
...is type seven,
the interrupted inspiration...
...or static lag variety:
You know, I've been all through this.
Which merges and extends itself
ultimately...
...and I think I may say, without fear
of successful contradiction...
...almost inevitably into type eight...
...which might be called
the last word in snoring.
This is the auto-resuscitation,
or self-awakening variety:
Uh, shall I go on?
No, you stay and I'll go on.
I'll go with you.
Hey, why don't you come too?
'The Main Stem' by Bert Keeler.
"Gardenias to Irene Foster for
walking out on Bob Gordon.
Cabbages to him for not
recognizing the Albany beauty.
Some guys are like that.
They prefer widows,
especially if they are rich."
How do you suppose
he ever got a hold of that?
What do you care, as long
as your name's spelt right?
You can't keep any secrets from Keeler.
- Oh, I think that's awful.
- What do you mean awful?
Yeah. Say, onions from that guy...
...are better than chrysanthebubs
from anybody else.
Better than what?
Chrysanthemums.
- Why don't you go back and see Gordon?
- I will not.
You came here to see him, didn't you?
Yes, but I still have a little pride left.
So has Gandhi but he's getting awful thin.
You know, if you could only
do something besides dance.
Gordon can buy hoofers a dime a dozen,
but if you could do, say, a bubble dance...
...or a dance on a tightrope.
I remember a fellow once that had an act.
He used to dance and while he was
dancing he'd spin a rope with one hand...
...and play a saxophone with the other.
And in the meanwhile...
Oh, hello, what's your name?
My name is Eva Lovelace.
Of course I haven't done very much,
just a little stock in Boston.
Oh, that isn't really my name.
I just use that for the theater.
But it does have a sort of
melodious sound, don't you think?
Eva Lovelace.
Oh, I can see my name in lights now.
Oh, I do so wanna be a great actress.
A really, truly great actress.
Tell me, did you know
Ellen Terry and Sarah Bernhardt?
How I should love to be
like Sarah Bernhardt...
...and have my name in the hall of fame.
That's Katharine Hepburn in Morning Glory.
Who do you think it is, Shirley Temple?
Tell him that he'll never know
what he's done for me. Not really.
Our lives are like two rivers now,
running into one sea.
And that to be a great actress,
one must experience every emotion in life.
Oh, I know, don't ask me.
I just do know that I love him.
Really, I do.
That's very good. Now, with this fellow
with the rope and the saxophone.
In the meanwhile, the girl...
Oh, you.
And another thing, the circulation
of the paper is growing and what's doing it?
- Your column.
- Right.
You know, Snoop.
I'm gonna be syndicated.
Spread all over the country.
Hey, listen, if you hit him
you gotta hit me too.
Keeler, I'm warning you.
One more crack like that in your column
and I won't be so easy with you.
- Hey, Snoop.
- Yeah?
I can take it, can't I?
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' you're having fun
I'll get a go-by when you are done
Foolin' with me
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a notion it's make-believe
I think you're laughing
Right up your sleeve
Foolin' with me
Life is worth living
While you are giving
Moments of paradise
You're such a standout
But how you hand out
That hocus-pocus from your eyes
I've got a feelin' you're foolin'
I've got a feelin' it's all a frame
It's just the well-known old Army game
Foolin' with me
Girls, leave your name
and address with Miss Corbett.
Those we select will be notified later.
All right, line up down front here.
Come on, now.
All right, can you sing or dance?
I sing but I can dance in a pinch.
This is not a pinch, this is a show.
I'll take your name
and we'll call you in a pinch.
All right, next.
- Well, how tall are you?
- Oh, about up to here.
Okay, see Miss Corbett.
But I've had no experience.
You won't need any. Name, please.
My name is Irene Foster.
I'm 5'5" in my stocking feet...
...and I've had one
very unpleasant experience.
- What are you...?
- Shall I see Miss Corbett?
No. You better
come over here and see me.
Thanks.
Hmm. Looks like that's all
for today, girls.
- Well...
- Well?
Well.
- Well...
- You just said that.
Yeah, I know, but...
You're all grown up now.
I mean, you look older.
Well, I am older.
That usually happens to a girl
between the ages of 16 and 22.
Yeah, now that I look at you,
you haven't changed so much.
I recognized you instantly.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that.
My office is the last place in the world
that I'd expect to run into you.
You knew I'd get there someday.
We used to talk about it.
You were going to be the great producer
and I'd be a great star.
What funny, goofy dreams kids have.
That is a great gag,
your standing in line with those girls.
That wasn't any gag. I wanted a job.
Say, did you ever run into my friend,
Henry Schultz? What's he doing now?
Oh, he's running a delicatessen store.
Bob, won't you give me a chance?
You didn't come to New York to become
that great actress you talked about?
- That was one of the reasons.
- What was the other?
- I... I've forgotten.
- Well, I'll bet it was a lot more important.
Remember that summer in the Adirondacks
when we lived next door to each other?
I remember every day and...
And every night of that summer.
Up to five minutes ago,
I'd forgotten all about it.
Now I can't remember anything else.
Bob, you came to New York
and you made good.
Now, I've come to New York
and I wanna make good.
I want everything we ever planned
and dreamed about to come true.
So do I, Irene, but New York and Broadway,
they're not what we thought they were.
They're hard and cold.
A lovely creature like you
wouldn't have a chance here.
- Oh, Bob, you're wanted in the office.
- Later. I'm busy now.
It's important.
- Okay. Don't run away. I'll drive you home.
- All right.
- Basil.
- Yes.
Who is it?
- Lillian Brent.
- Listen, tell her I'll see her later.
She's been waiting all afternoon.
- She has, huh?
- And she's plenty burned up.
- Well, what'll I tell her?
- Never mind. I'll see her.
- Sorry to keep you waiting so long.
- You should be.
- Well, I was detained.
- So I understand.
In an empty theater with a chorus girl.
She isn't a chorus girl.
She's an old friend from my hometown.
Don't you think I'm more
important than anyone else?
Yeah, sure I do, Lillian.
You ought to know that.
In my imagination
I live the things I like to do
In my imagination
Make believe it's really true
In my imagination
I paint a scene of ecstasy
In my imagination
My hero sings these words
To me
You are my lucky star
I saw you
From afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
Beaming
I was starstruck
You're all
My lucky charms
I'm lucky
In your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are my lucky star
I saw you from afar
Two lovely eyes at me
They were gleaming
Beaming
I was starstruck
You're all my lucky charms
I'm lucky in your arms
You've opened heaven's portal
Here on Earth for this poor mortal
You are
My lucky star
Miss Foster.
- Miss Foster.
- Oh.
- Oh, hello.
- Boy, I wish I could concentrate like that.
- Is Mr. Gordon still busy?
- Oh, yes, he is.
He sent me to tell you that he's busy...
...and he won't be able
to take you home.
- He's terribly sorry and so am I.
- Thanks.
- Goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
And another thing,
if I'm to be in your new show...
...I demand all the attentions
a leading lady deserves.
- Leading lady?
- Yes.
You haven't one, have you?
- No, not yet.
- Well, darling, you have now.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You know as well as I do
that this part needs a name.
If I can only get a star,
the show's bound to click.
And if you don't?
What then?
Well, I'll postpone production.
Why take a chance?
Listen. If I'm willing to take a chance,
you should be.
After all, darling.
I am putting up the money.
- Is that the way you feel about it?
- Exactly.
All right.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll gamble with you.
If I don't get a star for this show
in two weeks, I'll give you the part.
Do you really mean it?
- Positively.
- Oh, Bob.
Did you ring?
Yes.
Book passage for me on the first plane
leaving New York for Los Angeles.
- Yes, sir.
- But, Bob, why?
I'm going to Hollywood. I'm gonna find
a star for this show if I have to steal Garbo.
- There's a plane leaving for the coast at 9.
- And I'll be on it.
- Anything else?
- No, that'll be all.
Lillian, I've got an awful lot to do.
May I take you somewhere?
Yes. You can take me home.
- Oh, Miss Corbett.
- Yes, sir.
Don't tell anyone that I'm leaving.
- I want that kept quiet.
- Yes, Mr. Gordon.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Hello.
- I ought to have you arrested.
- For what?
- For snooping.
- I didn't hear anything, honest, I didn't.
Except why Bob was talking to Lillian...
If you tell Bert Keeler what you heard,
I'll choke the socks off you.
- I never tell Bert Keeler anything.
- Promise me.
Well, I will if you'll have dinner
with me tonight.
I'll do it just for meanness.
Is this your idea of a dinner?
We'll have more doughnuts
and then I'll take you to a restaurant.
Oh, you're too good to me.
Hello, Snoop.
Hi, Bert.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Well, any news?
- No.
- Oh, secrets, huh?
- Honest, it's nothing you ought to know.
Just the kind of stuff I print. What is it?
Why don't you shut up?
Well, I ain't said nothing. Yet.
I guess you're looking for
another punch in the nose.
Yeah? Gordon won't ever do that again.
- Not if he's in California.
- No.
Oh, so that's it.
Gordon's going West, huh?
What did you promise me, Snoop?
Yes, Snoop.
What did you promise the lady?
I promised Kitty I wouldn't tell you
that Gordon had a fight with Lillian Brent.
- Snoop.
- What about?
It's nothing, it's just that he can't
get a leading lady for his show.
You ought to have a zipper on your mouth.
I don't know how to play one.
So Gordon can't get a leading lady?
Yeah. If he can't get one,
he's gonna let Lillian Brent play the part.
Well, why doesn't he get that French star?
- What French star?
- That... Oh, what's her name again?
La Belle Arlette, that's it.
- La Belle Arlette?
- Yes, Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette...
...from the Comdie Franaise in Paris.
Never heard of her.
Oh, my dear child, don't say that.
Everybody's heard of Arlette.
Haven't they, Snoop?
Oh, yeah, sure, certainly.
- What's she like?
- Tall, beautiful, blond.
Maybe Mr. Gordon'd be interested.
I have to be going.
Oh, thanks for the banquet, Snoop.
Anytime at all, Kitty.
Don't forget to tell Gordon about Arlette.
Hey, Bert, who's Mademoiselle Arlette?
Just a cigar.
Well, I can't get the angle of you
trying to kid her.
It isn't her. It's Gordon I want to rib.
She'll go back and tell Gordon
all about Arlette.
- Then I'll build her up in my column.
- But there is no Mademoiselle Arlette.
Nobody knows it but you and me.
Now I'm sorry you know it.
Not since the arrival of the Statue of Liberty
has France sent to this country...
...such a glamorous, beautiful
and talented personality...
...as Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette.
In this correspondent's opinion...
...it won't belong before Mademoiselle
La Belle Arlette's beauty, talent...
...charm and, uh...
...mildness will make her
the talk of the town.
Flash.
- Hello. Glad to see you back.
- Thanks. Anything new?
- Plenty. Hello.
- Hi, Bob. Have a good trip?
Terrible. Come on inside.
Miss Corbett, will you come in, please?
- Well, what happened in Hollywood?
- Nothing.
Those movie stars are guarded
like a Turkish harem.
That makes things tough.
What are you gonna do?
That's what I'd like to know.
Everybody's in pictures.
It's impossible to cast a show anymore.
Why, haven't you heard
about Mademoiselle Arlette?
- Who?
- Here, look.
- Haven't you read about her?
- No. Who is she?
I don't know, but Keeler's been
giving her boost in his column.
Why, every manager in town's after her.
Arlette?
- Where's she from?
- Paris.
- What's she look like?
- I don't know.
- You haven't seen her?
- No.
- Where's she stopping?
- I don't know.
Why? What have you been doing
while I was away?
Nobody knows where she is.
It's a mystery.
We've gotta get in touch with her.
Check every hotel in town.
Yes, sir.
All right, mademoiselle. Relax.
Hey, when can I get out of this harness?
My feet hurt.
You look about as effeminate
as Wallace Beery.
Now, look, Snoop, all you have to do
is sit here all day and answer the phone.
- Now, can you talk like a dame?
- I can try.
Let's hear it.
Buy me a Rolls-Royce, Daddy.
You're thinking like one anyway, but you
gotta get your voice higher, higher, way up.
Look, Snoop, if there's any soprano
in you, this is the time to bring it out.
- Now, try it again.
- Buy me... Ahem.
Buy me a Rolls-Royce...!
I can't.
Then we're stuck.
Say, maybe you better be a man.
What do you mean maybe?
- As Arlette's secretary.
- I'll feel more natural.
All right. What are you going to say?
- Remember, you're a French secretary.
- Yeah.
What are you gonna say when Gordon
asks for Mademoiselle Arlette?
- What are you going to say?
- Well, I'll say, "Bonjour, oui, oui.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy
with the rehearsal."
How's that?
Very good.
The other 50 million Frenchmen
must be wrong.
Well, does the dame
have to come from Paris?
Certainly, the publicity is out.
Gee, I wish you could speak French.
I speak French. Si, Si, seor.
That's Spanish.
Imagine that. I speak Spanish too.
Hello? Hotel Carlton?
Have you a Mademoiselle Arlette
registered there?
Oh, may I speak to her?
Wait. Wait a minute.
Now, hold it.
- Now, listen, you talk just like a secretary.
- Bonjour.
This is Robert Gordon's office.
May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?
Oui, oui.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
- Hello.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon...
...Arlette's on the wire. She's singing.
It's Arlette. Shh.
It's a cinch, it's not Crosby.
Hello?
Hello, this is Robert Gordon speaking.
May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?
Hey, it's Gordon.
I am sorry. Mademoiselle Arlette,
she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
- Oh, Mr. Gordon.
- Miss Corbett.
I want you to send a telegram to Arlette.
Arrange for an interview.
Tell her that I must see her.
Yes. sir.
And, Mr. Gordon, Miss Foster's here.
Oh. Well, yeah, all right.
Have her come in.
All right, Miss Foster.
You can come in now.
- Hello, Irene.
- Hello, Bob.
Gee, I'm glad you dropped in. I've been
wondering if you were still in town.
Oh, I want you to meet
two friends of mine.
- Ted and Sally Burke.
- How do you do?
The Burkes?
Say, I remember you.
I caught your act in Detroit. You used
to work with a trained duck, didn't you?
- That's right.
- You still got that act together?
Everything but the duck.
You know, it's been
a kind of a tough winter.
- You mean you ate the act?
- Last Christmas.
- Oh, what are you doing now?
- Nothing since the duck died.
Mr. Gordon, this is Irene's appointment.
We just came with her.
She wants to go in your show.
She's got talent, plenty of it.
All she needs is a chance.
And you can give it to her.
- That's quite a compliment, Irene.
- Really, Mr. Gordon, Irene is clever.
We know. Don't we, Ted?
- Sure do.
- Well, I'd like to think it over, Irene.
- Casting a show is a very important matter.
- That's right.
Say, how'd you like to go
in my new show, both of you?
Take it easy, Mr. Gordon.
I got a weak heart.
Really, we didn't come
here to talk about ourselves.
- It's about Irene.
- Oh, that's all right, Sally.
- But you don't understand...
- Wait. I'm offering you a job.
- Don't you want it?
- We do.
- Well, then, it's settled.
- Oh, I think it's wonderful, Sally.
But what about you?
Mr. Gordon, what about Irene?
I'll talk with Irene alone.
- Come back, Ted. We'll talk about money.
- You won't find us hard to deal with.
That's fine. I'm glad you dropped in.
See you at the house, Irene.
- Goodbye, Sally.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, Mr. Gordon.
- Goodbye, Ted.
Well, how do you feel now?
I feel terrible.
Terrible about what?
We go in to get her a job
and we come out with it.
I told you we didn't need that duck.
Well, I don't know what to say, Irene.
I want you to... Well, I want you
to understand how I feel about all this.
I want you to go back to Albany.
- But why, Bob? I've just come from there.
- That's what you gotta understand.
I know how it is.
You worked hard at what you were doing...
...saved your money and deprived yourself
of a lot of things you should've had.
So you could come to New York
and get a chance at what you wanted.
- I did that.
- I know you did.
But it isn't worth it.
What you get isn't what you came after.
I know that too.
Look, there's nothing for you here
in New York.
I could give you a bit in my show
and maybe you'd get another and another...
- That's all I want. That's enough for me.
- Yeah, but not for me.
If you were anyone else, okay.
But you're not.
I know what'd happen to you
here in New York.
I know how cheap and selfish this town is.
The easiest thing for me to do...
...is to give you the chance
and put you away and forget about it.
But I can't.
So I'm taking the hard way.
Won't you go back to Albany?
- Without even one try of what I want?
- Without even one try.
- Bob, do you honestly think it's best?
- I know it is.
All right, I'll go home.
Oh, say, by the way...
...whatever happened
to the fellow who gave you this?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him for years.
He's probably forgotten all about me.
Well, I imagine he ran off
and died somewhere, don't you?
I imagine so.
Well, uh...
...will you wear it for me?
Uh, I think you'd better go home and pack.
I'll pick you up in an hour
and drive you to the station.
Well, did you do yourself any good?
- I'm going back home.
- Why?
Well, he thinks it's best for me.
Oh, that's too bad.
But that's the way it goes in this racket.
- Are you sure you're not just stage-struck?
- Of course not.
Oh, I know I could do something
if I only had the chance.
You know.
I've heard that a million times but...
Well, for some reason or other,
I believe you.
You're the only one that does.
- Yes, sir?
- Why don't you answer when I ring?
- Come in here.
- Coming.
Oh. Stick around a few minutes, honey.
I wanna talk to you.
Yes, sir.
Miss Corbett,
get me a ticket and a compartment...
...on the afternoon train for Albany.
It's for Miss Foster.
- She's an awful nice kid, isn't she?
- Of course she is.
Mr. Gordon,
why are you sending her back?
You don't think I want her
to stay around this place, do you?
I think she'd like to.
Listen, will you stop worrying
about my private affairs?
Yes, sir.
Have you been able to get in touch
with Arlette?
I've been ringing her all morning.
All her secretary can say is:
"Mademoiselle, she is busy rehearsing.
Mademoiselle,
she is having her face lifted."
She's the busiest dame I ever saw.
All right, ring her again.
- I've gotta get in touch with her.
- Yes, sir.
Hello.
Hello.
I'd like to speak to Mademoiselle Arlette
if she's not baking a cake.
Bonjour. Oui, our.
Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.
She is very, very busy rehearsing.
Doesn't that dame do anything
but rehearse?
I wanna talk to her. It's urgent.
This is Robert Gordon's secretary.
Hi, Kitty.
Say that again, you.
Hello!
- Good luck with the show, Bob.
- Thanks, Irene, I need it.
- I wish I were going back to Albany too.
- Oh, Albany is no place for you.
An amateur like me, maybe, but not you.
You've arrived in New York.
- That's where you belong.
- I know. I'd like to see the old place again.
What could possibly interest you
in Albany?
Well, you're going to be there.
Well, it's nice to know I'd interest you
in Albany anyway.
Do you know my address,
in case you come up for a visit...
- ...or if you wanna write or something?
- 560 Washington Avenue.
- Hmm! Quite a memory.
- I spent all last night trying to remember it.
Board!
- Goodbye, Irene.
- Goodbye, Bob.
Board!
- You know something?
- What?
I wish this train weren't pulling out.
Oh, I bet you tell that to all the girls.
- Mail this letter when you arrive in Albany.
- Yes, ma'am.
- You won't forget?
- No, ma'am, I won't.
Thank you.
Come on. Hurry. I've got a taxi waiting.
It's time for promenading
And I'll be with you soon
All the best folks are parading
On a Sunday afternoon
We'll rent a horse and carriage
And I'll be proud of you
We'll talk about a marriage
On the busy avenue
And then we'll ride To the countryside
I'll burst with pride In your Sunday gown
You're the talk of the town
Now, you can have the twilight
And you can have the moon
Give me those happy moments
On a Sunday afternoon
Now, you can have the twilight
And you can have the moon
Give me those happy moments
On a Sunday afternoon
Well, Bob, what do you think of it?
Well, the routine's okay.
What I'm worried about
is finding a star for this show.
- I'd like to talk to you.
- Hi, Lilly.
I just found a very cute little poem
about us in Keeler's column.
I'd like to read it to you.
Lilly was an amateur
Who had a lot of dough
Bob was just another guy
Who longed to do a show
Now Lil has the role she wants
And Bobby has his million
The woman pays, the woman plays
And Bob is stuck with Lillian
Can't you stop Keeler
from printing such stuff in his column?
If I continue writing this column,
I'll need a bodyguard.
- You're not yellow?
- No.
But can't you put me
on "Advice to the Lovelorn"
...or "How to Bake a Cake"?
Listen, your column's going strong.
You're a success.
People hate the ground you walk on.
Everybody in town wants to see you
hit by a taxi. Think of it.
Boy, am I hot. Everybody hates me.
- Ain't that swell, Snoop?
- Yeah.
Five people phoned me today
and called you a rat.
Isn't that sweet?
That entitles me to that raise, doesn't it?
- You get your raise.
- Fine. I'll buy some accident insurance.
Keep up the good work, my boy.
I may give you a bonus.
Thanks. Looks like I'll die a rich man.
If I live long enough.
Well, Snoop, here's another boost
for my friend Gordon.
This is the crowning point of our career.
Say, we've been crowned twice already.
That's applause to a good newspaperman.
Get this.
'Bob Gordon's efforts to get Mademoiselle
Arlette for his new play have failed.
People are asking why.
Maybe she read his play.
It's our guess that he will have to sign up
Lillian "No Talent" Brent as his lucky star.
This move should make Gordon
Broadway's public enemy number one."
- How do you like that? Right on the nose.
- Yeah, but whose nose?
Oh, you're not a bit optimistic.
That man is here again.
Hello, we were expecting you.
What's on your mind, Gordon? Unh!
Hey, listen...
- Hey, Snoop.
- What?
Get off. This is as far as we go.
What's the matter, hedging?
No, I'm not.
But this show means everything to me.
Oh, come on. Be regular.
Give me a few more days.
Listen, you promised me the lead...
...if you weren't able to find anybody
in two weeks.
Your time is up.
- Be reasonable, Lillian.
- No.
We made a bargain
and I expect you to live up to it.
All right.
There's your contract.
Sign here.
I suppose you know that if the show flops,
I'm ruined and you're out 60,000 bucks.
Yes, my sweet. I know all about that.
Now you sign, right under mine.
- Mr. Gordon.
- Yeah?
Mademoiselle Arlette,
she wishes to see you.
- Arlette? You mean she's here now?
- Yes, sir.
Sign this contract and stop stalling.
Not if there's a chance
of getting her for the part.
- All right, you have her come in now.
- Yes, sir.
Oh! Don't you get jittery.
- What'd he say?
- Don't you begin getting nervous.
I've lost 8 pounds
since we started this thing.
- Who's nervous?
- We'll both get the electric chair for this.
What's worse, I'm liable to lose my job.
Forget about that. I'm all right.
You'll see the best Frenchwoman...
...any high school dramatic society
ever turned out.
If this were only a high school society.
Do you know your name?
- Irene Foster.
- Oh, no, you're Mademoiselle Arlette...
...and you're from Paris
and you've been very busy rehearsing.
Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?
Yeah, well, it sounds a little Swedish
but I guess you'll get by, I hope.
Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?
Yes, of course, I did, mademoiselle,
some time ago...
...but, well, I'd given up hope
of ever seeing you.
You see, I have been very,
very busy rehearsing.
Yeah. Pardon me.
May I present Miss Lillian Brent?
And why not?
I am always happy to meet people.
- How do you do?
- Delighted.
If you don't mind, Bob, I'll run along.
Would you kindly ask Mr. Gordon
to call me tonight if he's not too busy?
- I'll make a note of that.
- Thanks.
- Snoop.
- Yeah?
Get a load of this.
"Bob Gordon signs Mademoiselle Arlette
for new show Broadway Rhythm.
The beautiful and talented
French actress, Arlette...
...has signed a contract to star in Bob
Gordon's Broadway Rhythm production.
The young producer is to be complimented
for having secured the services of Arlette.
Rehearsals start today."
What do you think of that?
Hey, that's a beautiful dame.
But how can Gordon sign Arlette
when there is no Arlette?
That's what I'd like to know.
- Snoop.
- What?
Have you spoken to anyone
since the last time I was here?
Yeah, a lot of people.
What did you say?
"Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy..."
No, no, no, Snoop.
Did you say anything else?
- Yeah.
- What?
- "She is very, very busy."
- No, no. Look.
Look, Snoop, I want you to think.
Look, I don't want you to strain yourself.
I just want you to think.
About what?
Is there anyone in particular you remember
speaking to while I was away?
- Yeah.
- Who?
Kitty Corbett, Bob Gordon's secretary.
What did you say?
"Mademoiselle Arlette, she..."
Besides that?
I said, "Hi, Kitty."
- What?
- But I hung right up.
- You know me, trigger judgment.
- Oh, you hung up?
Whenever I'm through with the phone,
I hang up the receiver.
That's smart. Have you seen her since?
- Yeah, she was here.
- Here?
What did she say?
I don't know. I was asleep.
Asleep?
- She was here and you were asleep?
- Yeah, I dozed off.
She left this.
- Well, of all the dumb guys...
- Don't worry about Corbett.
She won't tip the gag off. She said so.
Just the same, I gotta find out who this
dame is that Gordon's got signed up.
What do you want me to do?
Go down to the ocean
and pull a wave over your head.
Well, that's not so good,
but I guess it'll have to do.
Take five minutes' rest.
Five minutes' rest.
Who is it?
- Mademoiselle Arlette?
- Oui, monsieur.
Mr. Gordon's ready to see your number.
Trs bien, I come, toute de suite.
All right.
Hey, keep your fingers crossed.
Oh, my.
Ah, ban/our, Monsieur Gordon,
you ready for me, yes?
- Yes, mademoiselle. All ready.
- Merci beaucoup.
You know Mademoiselle
Arlette's music, yes?
Why, no, mademoiselle, I don't.
Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. Too bad.
Then you play for me something like...
How you say, like...?
Like:
- Oh, no, no, no, monsieur, no.
- No?
Something with the... Ah!
With rhythm, n'est-ce pas?
- Yes?
- You mean hot.
Yes.
Oh, no, no, no.
No.
Ah! Very good.
No, no, no. No.
That is all wrong. Don't play anything.
Oh, monsieur, I am so sorry.
You see, he does not understand.
Well, mademoiselle,
may I get you another pianist?
Oh, no, no, no.
I tell you, I do for you like I did in Paris
without any music.
It is much better that way.
Ah! You like this one, no?
You got him, sister. You got him.
This Arlette you've been spreading
all over your column...
...do you know who she is?
Yeah. She's a 5-cent cigar
and a very bad smoke.
Maybe so. But there
is a Mademoiselle Arlette living in Paris...
...and she threatens suit.
Read that cable.
What are you gonna do about that?
Don't worry, chief.
I'm killing Arlette tonight.
- Killing her?
- Everything will be taken care of.
There won't be any bloodshed,
just a nice quiet assassination.
And don't send orchids.
Oh, no, no, no, Monsieur Gordon,
I never, never go out in public.
Tonight you've got to make an exception.
I've invited the press and the cast.
The whole party is for you.
Why, the publicity alone
will put the show over.
Oh, come on, please say you'll go.
Trs bien, if you insist.
Ha, ha, swell.
Hello?
It's for you, mademoiselle.
Merci.
- Hello? Oui?
- This is Bert Keeler of the World Tribune.
I wanna see you at my office right away.
If you're as smart as I think you are,
you'll grab a taxi and hurry over.
I come at once.
Anything wrong?
- No, no, no, nothing of importance.
- Oh, whatever it is, I'd like to help you.
Monsieur Gordon,
you will excuse me, please. I must go.
Can't I go with you?
Oh, no, man chri, this is one time,
Arlette, she must be alone.
All right.
Au revoir, until tonight.
Monsieur Keeler, you sent for me, no?
I'm Keeler and I sent for you, yes.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
You see, I have been very, very busy...
- ...rehearsing.
- Rehearsing.
If you're a French, I'm a Chinaman.
- That is possible.
- Sit down.
You know, I'm very happy to meet you.
- Oh, monsieur.
- You can call me mister.
What made you think you could
get away with a gag like this?
Gag? Well, what is it, gag?
Now listen, sister, if you wanna play games
with me, I'll send out for some Parcheesi.
I don't like cheese.
- Well?
- Well?
All right, I'll handle it another way.
Get Bob Gordon on the phone.
Don't do that, please.
Okay, skip it.
Now, talk fast.
I wanted to get into Bob's show
and this was the only way to do it.
- Why?
- He wouldn't give me a chance...
...under my right name.
But as Arlette, he thinks I'm terrific.
He may be right
and that's what I'm afraid of.
Well, the party's over.
I'm sorry I have to ruin
a perfectly good racket.
- Why?
- Why?
I build up a phony Arlette as a gag.
You step in,
Gordon cashes in on the publicity...
...and I'm the biggest chump
on Broadway.
- And everybody lived happily ever after.
- But not on me.
Now, listen, I made Arlette
and I can break her.
I got a paper behind me
that'll print anything I write.
Here's my column for tomorrow. Get this.
"Arlette refuses Gordon's ridiculous offer
and sails for France today."
And everybody lived happily ever after.
Without Arlette.
You'd deliberately ruin
Bob Gordon's show...
...just to get even for a couple of harmless
blows on the jaw?
Harmless?
My getting into this show means a lot to me
but it means much more to Bob.
And I'm going to protect him.
I don't care what you write about me
in that column of yours. Get this straight.
You can't stop Arlette from opening
in that show tomorrow night.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
If you don't think I can do it,
maybe the real Arlette can stop you.
The real Arlette?
There isn't any real Arlette.
That's what I thought.
Here's a cablegram we got from Paris.
"Unless you discontinue publicity...
...in your column and expose person
masquerading as Arlette...
...my attorneys will bring suit
against you and Gordon.
Mademoiselle Arlette."
What do you think of that?
Gordon's giving her a banquet.
If she doesn't show as Arlette,
we're in for another sock in the nose.
I can't help that.
I'm sorry, kid, I had to do this.
Just a minute.
You know, you're not in such
a healthy spot yourself.
Whatever Bob and I have done
was based on your phony information.
Now, you listen to me.
- I can't understand why she isn't here.
- I can't understand...
- ...why she didn't come with you.
- She'd rather come alone.
- Go phone the hotel. See if she's left yet.
- Right-o.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
- Good evening, Mr. Keeler.
- Good evening.
This way, please.
- Good evening, Mr. Gordon.
- Hello.
Irene.
Oh, hello, Bob.
What on earth are you doing
back in New York?
I didn't go home.
I've been here all the time.
Why didn't you let me know?
I really didn't think you were interested.
Pardon me, Bob, but Miss Foster
is my guest for this evening.
Come, Irene.
Sorry, Bob.
I'm terribly nervous, Mr. Keeler.
Yeah? How do you think I feel?
You know, this wasn't my idea.
Bob, get a load of this
in Keeler's column.
- Another one of Keeler's ribs.
- At your expense.
- What?
- I've checked everywhere. I can't locate her.
- Call her hotel. She's there.
- I've called twice. She's not there.
They said she checked out
late this afternoon.
Don't you think we ought to tell him?
Say, how would you like a sock
in the nose?
Now, go ahead.
You've just got time to make it.
Broadway, street of a million lights
Broadway, street of a million sights
Broadway, street of a million nights
Nights of pain and tears and sorrow
Nights that promise gay tomorrows
But up or down or sad or gay
There's something in this old Broadway
That makes you tingle in and out
That makes you stand right up and shout
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Out on the gay White Way
In each merry caf, orchestras play
Taking your breath away
With that Broadway rhythm
It's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
When I hear that happy beat
Feel like dancing down the street
Oh, that Broadway rhythm
Writhing, beating rhythm
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
On the gay White Way
In each merry caf
Orchestras play
Taking your breath away
With that Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Everybody sing and dance
Broadway rhythm
Broadway rhythm
Broadway rhythm, it's got you, it's for me
Everybody dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody dance
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance
Gotta dance, dance on Broadway
Broadway rhythm, it's got me
Everybody sing and dance
Dance
Dance
Dance
Dance, if your head is reeling, dance
If you have no feeling, dance
If you're hot and breathing, dance
If you wake up screaming
Broadway rhythm, it gets you
Everybody sing and
Dance all night
Rhythm for dances got rhythm
Of Broadway
- Here, I got the boss for you.
- Hello, Keeler speaking.
Stop press,
flash a new lead mainstem column:
"What Bob Gordon will lead
which Irene Foster down the bridal path...
...after premiere of Broadway Rhythm?
What unidentified body,
named Bert Keeler...
...was chosen as best man
by popular acclaim?
Question mark, exclamation point."
That sounds to me like
the 2-A, the ah-poo variety.
No, no, I think that's 7-3,
the super-static lag.
Oh, Mr. Keeler, you're both wrong.
That was 5-A, the wah-wah...
I saw you from afar
You are my Shearer, Crawford, Hepburn
Harlow and my Garbo
You are my lucky star
You are my lucky star