Buck Privates Come Home (1947) Movie Script
The victory march through Paris.
The buck privates have
fought their war and won...
...and they march in glory.
Their reward...
they're going home.
It's one of the miracles of our times...
...that this, the greatest fighting
force the world has ever known,
came into being one autumn day in 1940.
On this day, Congress passed the Draft Act,
calling the nation's youth to arms.
And the young manhood of America
answered the call.
They came millions strong
from all walks oflife.
Farmers, schoolboys and others
ofless creditable occupations.
Have I ever had the opportunity of...
...presenting such
merchandise to the public?
Feel that material. Friends,
all I'm asking for is 10 cents.
Here, I got a buck.
- The gentleman buys 10 ties.
How can he sell ties that cheap?
We ain't got no overhead. We haven't
even got a license. Feel that material.
It won't wrinkle or fade.
Fade, Smitty, fade.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? The opper-cay is here.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Come here, you.
Some were so eager to volunteer, they
actually ran to the recruiting station.
Herbie, quick, get in line.
We'll hide in the movies.
When we get in,
we'll stay a long time.
Get a couple of tickets. Okay.
These were the buck privates. They
had to be taught the arts of war.
They had to learn to become soldiers.
Get back there.
You first four, form in.
Right face.
Forward march.
Detail, halt.
Left face.
Order arms.
You four are undoubtedly
the dumbest numskulls...
I've ever had the misfortune of drilling.
Private Smith, fall out. You seem
to know what this is all about.
Take over these men.
Drill them for half an hour...
...and see if you can
sweat some sense into them.
I'm exhausted. The rest
of you men, follow me.
Forward march. Put my gun
in the tent. Count off.
One, two, three, four.
Bingo.
You behave yourself,
do you understand?
I won't warn you again.
Get your chins up.
Get your chest out.
Throw out your chest.
Get your chest out.
Throw it out.
I'm not through with it yet. Quiet.
Right shoulder arms.
Come on. Pick it up.
I thought I had it.
Pick it up. Come on.
Snap into it. All right.
Big man now? Big captain? Quiet.
Order arms. I'll have a cap pistol.
You keep quiet.
I won't warn you again.
All right, all right. Pick
on somebody else. Quiet.
Right shoulder arms.
I said right shoulder.
That's your left shoulder.
I'm left-handed.
Get it over.
It feels better over here. Get it over there.
What a...
Get it over there.
Left shoulder arms.
Right shoulder arms.
Why don't you make up
your mind? Get back there.
Right shoulder arms. Left
shoulder arms. Quiet..
Do as you're told.
Order arms.
Right shoulder arms. Left
shoulder arms. Quiet..
Present arms.
C'mon, I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Do you want it? Put it up there. Get it up.
Get it up.
Right face.
Come on. Come on.
Left face.
Turn with the rest of'em. The guy hit me.
Turn with the rest of'em. Pick it up.
Right face.
Right face.
Forward march.
Halt. Halt.
Where are you going? I don't know.
You don't know? Well,
find out. Now, get with it.
What time is it?
None of your business.
About face.
Forward march.
Hi, fellas.
Halt. Halt.
You guys are going the wrong
way. Will you get in line?
I don't know. You got me in
this mess. Get a load of this.
Right face. Forward march. Halt.
Right face. Forward march. Halt.
Right face.
Forward march.
Halt.
Left face.
Ahhh, gently.
Right face.
Right face.
Whew. Boy, what a time
we had with them three.
Yeah.
Forward march.
Even now, with the victory long since won,
it's hard to believe that these...
...precision-like columns
marching homeward...
...were the awkward, raw recruits
of short years ago.
We're goin'home we're goin'home
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're goin' home
No more uniforms to wear
no more sergeants in our hair
No peeling a spud or hikin'
in mud we left that over there
We're goin' home we're goin' home
And our second lieutenant is
out of a job hooray, hooray
We can sleep till after 10:00
then go back to sleep again
Because we're goin' home
We're on our way we're on our way
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're on our way
Oh, I'd like to dance a jig
no more ditches do we dig
No makin' a slip or shootin'
your lip and landin' in the brig
We're goin' home we're goin' home
Oh, we'll never be missed and we
don't give a hip-hooray, hooray
Left, right, left, right. Left, right,
left, right. Left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right.
Left... halt.
About face.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
Forward... march.
Left, right, left, right. Left,
right, left, right. Left, right...
What's the matter with you, Brown? Halt.
About face.
Come here.
If I gotta die of old age in this man's army,
I'm gonna teach you your
left foot from your right.
I don't think it's gonna do
much good, Sergeant.
None of your lip. Carry on. Honest.
Forward march. Left, right, left,
right. Left, right, left, right.
Left...
Collins.
Yes, sir.
Get the men to their quarters. The
colonel's ordered a shakedown inspection.
Too many men have been
bringing in illegal souvenirs.
Very well, sir. See that every duffel
bag is ready for a thorough search.
I understand, sir.
Hey, you guys, duck everything that's hot.
The captain's coming for inspection.
Don't they know the war's over?
Don't push, Slicker.
All right. Stop worrying.
I gotta get this bag outta here.
Just get rid of the contraband.
I still gotta get this bag out.
What have you got in that bag?
What have you got in that bag?
Just stuff, any kind of stuff.
You have got contraband,
haven't you? Contraband?
Speak up. Tell me the truth. Whew, yeah.
I thought so. Show it to me. All right.
This German booby trap.
Why worry about that?
They'll think that's a camera. Wait
a minute. Has that been 'demined'?
Has it been what?
You know, disconnected?
Oh, don't worry, Slicker. Nothin'
ever happens when you do this.
And nothing never happens
when you do this. Oh.
But never, never,
never... do that.
That's what sets off the bomb. I see.
It's a time bomb.
Get rid of it.
You can have it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Get rid of it.
Look out.
You won't hear it now if it
goes off. Neither will you.
Get out, everybody. Wait
a minute. Not you, not you.
Here, put this here. Get
rid of it. No, no, Slicker.
Hold it. Go ahead, get rid of it.
What are you gonna do?
Not in there.
Ka-boom.
Out the porthole.
Out the porthole. Get out
of there. Out the porthole.
You mean the window.
Get over there.
Get it out..
Hello, Slicker.
Evey.
How did you...
Oh, I told Herbie not to...
Duck. Duck quick.
Hurry up, get in there.
Duck.
Herbie..
Herbie. Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie.. Herbie..
Wow, am I glad I got that window open.
Why didn't you throw it
overboard when you were outside?
You told me to throw it out the window
and I always do what you tell me.
Oh, you do? Didn't I tell you not to bring...
Hey, here comes the old man.
'Tention.
What was that?
Thunder.
Maybe we'll get rain.
Now we'll get hail.
Close that porthole and keep it closed.
Take over, Sergeant. I'll be back
as soon as I've changed my blouse.
Yes, sir.
Ow. Ow, ow, ooo.
All right,
you guys.
Get outta my way.
Break out your gear for
inspection... everything.
Brown.
After six long years, I can read
that baby face of yours like a book.
Now, you're up to something.
Gimme that bag.
No, no, no.
Ow..
What's that?
I don't know. Open it up. Give me the bag.
That's an order,
Brown.
Slicker.
Turn around the other
way. What's the matter?
The other way.
The other way, Herbie.
Evey.
Hi, Sarge.
Hello, fellas.
Hi, Evey.
This is one thing I know nothing about.
Tell the sergeant who put you in the bag.
You did,
Uncle Herbie.
This does it.
Brown, I told you to leave this kid in France.
I just couldn't stay behind
with Uncle Herbie gone.
Besides, she had no place to go or
no one to go to... but Slicker and me.
We've been just like a
mama and papa to her.
Leave me out of this.
- Okay, Papa.
There's no use arguing.
It's against regulations.
I gotta report it.
If you do they'll send her back and
she'll have to go to an orphan asylum.
That's a rap you wouldn't
want on your conscience.
How 'bout pretending you
didn't see her? Oh, sure, sure.
And lose my stripes for it? Then what?
You might become a
regular guy. Who said that?
I did.
I did.
Look, fellas, I don't make the
rules, but I gotta carry 'em out.
I must report Evey.
I know I don't know my
right foot from my left,
but I do know right from wrong.
And if you send Evey back, that's wrong.
Herbie, let the sergeant do his duty.
After all, back in the States
we're just a couple of...
Look, let's face facts.
Even if we get the kid through,
we're not used to any responsibility.
Where do we go from there?
What about Uncle Herbie's
tie business on Times Square?
The one where he hires you
to sweep the floor?
Hires me?
- Yes.
He also paid Sgt. Collins
to be the night watchman.
What have you been telling this
kid, you miserable goldbrick?
You oughta be ashamed of yourself
talking to Uncle Herbie that way...
...after all the times he saved your life.
He what?
Sarge, if you touch Uncle
Herbie, I don't know what I'll do.
Oh, I know.
I'll tell the captain.
You'll tell the captain what?
How you brought me on board...
...and how you hid me in Pvt. Brown's bag.
Sure, sure. How I brought you on board.
How I hid you in Brown's bag.
I wouldn't brag about it. You know that
aiding a stowaway is against regulations.
That's just what I was telling
them. Then why did you do it?
I didn't do it. It was him.
I heard you say you did.
Blaming an innocent man won't help.
Bring that child to my
stateroom immediately. Yes, sir.
Brown? Yes, sir. I'll go with you.
You'll answer to me for this, and
that goes for the rest of you guys.
Bye, Uncle Herbie.
I'm sorry I got you fellas into this mess.
Slicker, I didn't mean
to get you into trouble.
I...
Look, if it'll make you feel any
better, slap me right in the face.
Right here in this face. Go away from me.
Go ahead. It'll make me
feel better if you slap me.
I told you to go away from me.
This is the only thing I've
ever asked you to do for me.
Slap me in the face...
right there.
And I had to coax him for it.
Ouch.
No matter who's responsible
for bringing her aboard,
I see no other course but to turn her
over to the immigration officials...
...and have her sent back on
the next boat. Yes, sir.
Lt. Hunter, will you take care of the
child during the rest of the voyage?
Certainly.
My name is Sylvia Hunter. Would
you like to share my stateroom?
I'd rather stay with Uncle Herbie.
Of course you would. But being a
company mascot, you know the army.
Regulations are regulations.
Okay, but if we lived up to all the
regulations handed down by the brass,
we'd have lost the war.
Who did you hear say that? Sgt. Collins.
Uh, is that all, sir? Not quite.
I have approval to give
a company party for the men.
You pitch in and give
the mess officer a hand.
Yes, sir.
The captain wants to get the party
started on time, so snap to it.
Yes, sir.
Brown, Smith.
Yes, sir. Get that stuff out of the way.
You and Brown set up...
Where's Brown? Okay, Sarge.
Brown.
Yes?
Brown?
Yes, sir.
Where is that...
Brown.
What do you want?
Come here.
Where is he? He's looking for you in there.
Where is that imbecile?
I can't find him. Didn't I always
tell you that he was a dope?
Didn't I?
Right?
Brown?
Sergeant,
did you call me?
What do you think?
How's Evey? Evey's all right.
And so's anybody else who
stays away from you guys.
Get busy and set up that buffet table.
Snap to it.
Ooo-ooo-ooh.
'Oh' what?
Okay.
Get that thing out of here. I'll get
this sawhorse. You mean sea horse.
Sawhorse. Sea horse. We're on
a boat. Oh, Slicker, tsk, tsk.
Oh, go ahead.
Come on. Give me a hand with this table.
Don't drop it.
Pick it up. Attaboy.
Is it too heavy?
No.
Swing it around.
Attaboy. That's swell.
Get that tablecloth over there. Hurry up.
Come on, throw it over the table. Huh?
Throw it over the table. What are
you doing? Throwing it over the table.
Go get that tablecloth.
All right.
Come on. Get it up here. You take that end.
Herbie, when they serve the food,
don't reach for it. Ask for it.
Ask for it? You have a tongue, haven't you?
Yes, but I can reach
much further with my hands.
Go get the silverware.
Hurry up.
C'mon,
snap into it.
Get the turkey. You're
worse than the sarge.
Get with it.
Look, put it over in the center
here. You know, dress it up.
Take the bread. Now
you're doin' something.
Yeah, mama's little helper. You're all right.
Now let's see...
the cake.
You take the cake. Stop. Don't
touch it. That cake's for the boys.
And don't drop it. Be
careful. Is it too heavy?
It's all right.
What did I tell you?
Didn't I tell you to stay outta that cake?
I don't understand it. Don't
tell me what you understand.
I told you it was for the boys, didn't I?
Wipe your mouth off.
It's on your chin, nose...
I...
Oh, you went at it again,
huh? Get outta there.
I told you not to touch that cake. I didn't.
Get that silverware around
the table. Spread it around.
I might as well shave.
Spread that silverware.
Look where you put the cake...
on the edge of the table.
Slicker.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Stingy.
Get that fruit bowl.
Well, I don't...
Get the fruit bowl.
Put it on the table.
Put it on there.
Don't drop it.
Put it down there.
'Tention.
Collins.
Miss Sylvia, won't I get to
see Uncle Herbie before I go?
Those are the orders,
Evey.
I'm sure he'd have been here if he could
but we have to leave before the men.
If they'd only give him time,
he'd fix everything.
He's the smartest man in the outfit. He is?
Sgt. Collins said nobody
could teach him anything.
You really love Uncle
Herbie, don't you? Mmm-hmm.
I'd marry him if I was
bigger and he was littler.
Are you married?
No, I almost was,
but everybody isn't as
perfect as your Uncle Herbie.
Come in.
Lt. Hunter, this is Mrs. Edwards
from the immigration office.
She'll take charge of the
little girl. Thank you.
How do you do?
How do you do?
If I give you my address,
will you write me? Of course.
And will you try to find
Uncle Herbie in Times Square...
...and let him read the letter?
I will, Evey.
Here. Take extra good
care of her. Yes, I will.
Come along, Evey.
Good-bye, Aunt Sylvia. Bye, Evey.
We're goin'home we're goin'home
On deck, men.
We're goin' ashore.
Just as soon as we're ashore
there'll be folks that we adore
To welcome us back and give us a
smack that's what we've waited for
We're goin' home we're goin' home
What comes after this medical exam?
You're a civilian, bud.
What's a civilian?
That's the guy that tells you about the...
...grand times he had
when he was in the army.
When they get you in the army, they
rush you to bed and then to get up.
They rush you here. They rush you
there. They rush you everywhere.
And when it's time for you to get
out, everybody takes their time.
Stop griping.
Stop griping?
Sgt. Collins, you and me
got a score to settle.
When you were a cop, if I hit
you it was resisting an officer.
If I hit you when you're a
sergeant, it's insubordination.
But when you and me go out that
front gate, we're civilians.
Then what? I'll forget
about the whole thing.
Ahh.
I guess I scared him.
Look at those lucky guys over there,
gettin' out today. And we're just goin' in.
Hey, Slicker?
What's the matter now?
I think I got a way of
beatin' all this red tape.
Ten... this is a shorter
line. I'll get out quicker.
All right, boys.
Take your shirts off.
Off with the shirts...
everybody.
What's your hurry, bud?
Keep your shirt on. You
told me to take my shirt off.
Keep your shirt on taking your shirt off.
How can I keep my shirt on
taking my shirt off?
Is your name Abbott?
Abbott?
Inside, rookie.
Rookie.
Silly boy.
Y... ou.
Let's go, pal.
Wait a minute.
Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
Listen, that's not for me. No?
Ow, ow, ow.
I just got through telling
you that's not for me.
Now, look, Sergeant...
uh-uh, caught you that time.
Oh-ooo-ooo. Wait, I just told those two...
Now, enough is enough.
If you guys wanna do needlepoint,
work on a chair cover.
It hurts.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I don't want to be stuck
here the rest of the afternoon.
How much longer is this going
to go on? This is the end.
Silly boy.
Herbie.
Herbie.
Don't let 'em do it to you.
Herbie, don't let 'em do it.
It's too late. This man is being separated.
Separated? I've just been shot to pieces.
Herbie. All right,
take it easy.
See what you did to me? All right, Herbie.
I know. Slicker'll take care of you.
What they've done to me. I know, I know.
Ooo-ooo-ooo.
Ow, ow, ow.
Slicker.
Go on.
Hello, Mr. Drew.
How do you do?
This is the French girl who's
going back on this afternoon's boat.
Oh, yes. I have all her papers right here.
Will you explain to her that she has to
wait in the next room until boat time?
Racontez-le que je parle anglais.
What'd she say?
- She says to tell you she speaks English.
Come along, dear. You wait
in here. Be a good girl.
Sorry I'm late, Drew.
Anything doing?
One case... you'll find
the papers on the desk.
I'll look through them in a few minutes.
What are you doing in here? What am I...
You kids have been told time and
time again not to play ball out there.
But nobody ever told me because
I... Never mind about that.
Don't you know you can
get in trouble going...
...around smashing up
government property?
I'm sorry.
Well, guess I'd better be going now.
Not that way. Out the front way with you.
Come on.
More trouble with you kids.
Don't let me catch you around here again.
Thank you.
You won't.
That kid.
Step right up.
Today and today only, I am
selling $15 ties for 35 cents.
Pure silk.
It wears like iron.
My merchandise speaks for itself.
Far be it from me to resort
to the power of suggestion.
I'll go you one better.
I will demonstrate.
If some kind gentleman will
step forward, anyone at all.
Thank you and thank you. You're welcome.
Hello. Thank you,
stranger, for stepping up.
Stranger? Why, Slicker... Yes, yes.
Everything is going to be all right.
I want to prove that I can hypnotize
each one of you and sell you my ties.
But far be it from me to do anything
dishonest. Keep your eye on me.
Look into my eyes.
Just stand still.
I'm going to put you to sleep. To sleep?
I just got up.
That's all right.
It's gonna be a short
day. Look into my eyes.
You tell me when you get sleepy.
Tell me when you get
drowsy. When I get what?
Drowsy. Take it easy now. Oh, drowsy.
Please, pay attention to the professor.
Stand still.
There we are.
Ohhh-psst.
Look, I mean, after all,
that's not nice.
Put me to sleep but don't go...
That's not a bit nice. Will you...
Stand still, please.
Hold still a minute.
Psst.
There he goes again.
Will you stand still?
That's not nice in the face.
I don't go for that.
Don't do it again. Do as
I tell you. Stand still.
Sell the ties nice but don't go like that.
Psst.
Just a minute,
please.
What's the matter with
you? Quiet. Don't do that.
There he's going.
There he's going.
There you are. The boy is now in a
state of coma, cannot utter a word.
Am I right?
Right.
Gentlemen,
I want to prove to you...
...these ties are absolutely wrinkle proof.
I have here three ties,
securely knotted together.
Feel that knot.
Feel that.
Now I'm gonna take... loan me
your hat a minute. What for?
I wanna do a trick.
Not in my hat.
Hold on to it.
I'm not gonna harm your hat.
I'm gonna throw these ties,
securely knotted, into the hat.
If any of those ties come out
of that hat with a wrinkle in it,
I'll make you a present of it.
Hocus-pocus,
alacazam.
And here we have tie number one.
Here we have tie number two.
And here we have tie number
three without a wrinkle in 'em.
I'll take three. Now you're talking sense.
What am I gonna do with
these? It's a racket.
Who's the officer in here? I am.
There's a couple of phony tie
fellas taking us for our dough.
Is one of'em a tall, skinny guy and the
other a short squirt with a baby face?
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, no.
It couldn't be.
It couldn't happen to me,
not on the first day back on my old beat.
But if it is...
Stand aside, everybody.
Stand aside, everybody.
So, it is you guys.
Sarge. Somebody hit you in
the face with a cake again?
You had us scared. We thought
you were back on the police force.
Slicker, he is.
Come on.
Come back here. Leave Uncle Herbie alone.
Evey. Evey.
Hey, head for the subway.
Are you all right? No.
Warm day, isn't it, Collins? Yes, sir.
Too warm for a uniform? No, sir.
Then why aren't you wearing one?
I was chasing peddlers. And?
They got away with a French kid
that's in the country illegally.
I see. There were two peddlers and a
child who's in this country illegally.
You let them get away? No,
sir. I tripped and fell.
You certainly did.
Perhaps you won't find any obstacles in
your new path of duty... on Tenth Avenue.
But... But you're sending me
back to where I started.
That's where you belong.
After all, a seven-year-old child can't
continue to run around the streets.
She'll certainly contact you
or one of your countrymen.
Mr. Roberts, we are only too happy to
cooperate with the immigration service.
The moment we hear anything of Yvonne
LeBrec we'll contact your office.
Fine.
Thank you very much.
I hope I'll hear from you.
Mademoiselle Marchant,
send the other people.
Oh, how do you do?
How do you do?
Hello, son.
Hello.
Gentlemen, what can I do for you?
When we were overseas,
we met a French orphan girl.
We'd like to know how
to go about adopting her.
As a playmate for our nephew. Cousin.
Your what?
Cousin... nephew.
I don't understand.
Well, you see, he's my
nephew and his cousin. Yeah.
Where does this French girl live?
Paris... Marseille.
Marseille... Paris.
Her mama's a traveling salesman.
We'll give you all the details
as soon as we find out what to do.
We try to keep the
qualifications for adoption...
...as simple as we can.
First, you must have an established
business or a steady job.
Of course, you must be married,
able to meet our standards...
...of a decent home and good surroundings.
Oh.
It's nice to have met you, Mr. Duprez.
We'll be back just as soon as Uncle
Herbie takes care of all those things.
I hope so.
Bright youngster.
Yes, sir.
How old is he?
Six... seven.
Seven... six.
Six and a half. Right in the middle.
What's his name?
Pat... Mike.
Mike... Pat.
What is your name, son?
Don't tell him, Evey.
Evey.
Evey?
Did I... Evey?
Oh, yes, E.V. That's
her name, Edward Vincent.
Her name?
- Her name... Evey.
Est-ce que tu n'es pas
I'orpheline qui s'est echappe...
...du cour d'Immigration? Non,
monsieur. Je suis un garcon amricain.
What does that mean? We're dead ducks.
Slicker, get the kid. Thank
you for your encouragement.
We'll be back as soon as Uncle
Herbie takes care of everything.
Get out, hurry up.
Get out.
Nice to have met you.
Yvonne. Yvonne LeBrec.
Hello. Get me the immigration office.
Herbie, it's all ridiculous.
We can no more adopt Evey than fly.
I told you I'd get a job. Sure.
Where we gonna live? The cops are
probably at our boarding house now.
I bet Aunt Sylvia'll take us in.
Who is she?
I adopted her just the way
I did you, Uncle Herbie.
When I told her about you,
she sounded very interested.
She sounded interested
without seeing me?
I wonder what she'd say if she saw me.
That's what I'm worrying about.
Remember what that man said?
We've gotta get married.
We have to get married? Uh-huh.
Oh, Slicker, you wouldn't
marry me, would you?
Now, don't get silly.
Did you ever hear of anyone
marrying a man? Yes, sir.
Who?
My mother.
Wait. Have you got Aunt
Sylvia's address? Uh-huh.
Where is it? Let me see it. Right here.
Give me that. What are
we waitin' for? Come on.
Say, aren't you ready yet?
Just about.
I thought the army would
teach you to dress on time.
Glamour wasn't part of the regulations.
And knowing you, this isn't going
to be any run-of-the-mill inspection.
No wonder our side won the war.
You've kept in practice, Bill.
I hope you're still as fast on the
track as you are with the ladies.
Where you're concerned,
there's no competition.
I'd have been surer if you'd kept on writing.
It isn't any fun to share the eight ball.
When I ran out of luck I ran out of ink.
As long as you didn't run
out of me, everything's okay.
It's better than that. With you,
everything's gonna break my way.
Perfect timing.
Who is it?
Evey.
Evey.
Ah... Evey.
Yes. Here I am... Evey.
Evey, how did you... What are
you doing in those clothes?
We've got to fool the police. I ran away.
Is this your Aunt Sylvia? Uh-huh.
Oh, you must be Uncle Herbie.
No, I'm Slicker. This is Uncle Herbie. Oh.
Won't you come in?
Well, come on.
This is Bill Gregory.
Glad to know you, Bill.
Slicker, Herbie.
Oh, hello.
Evey's the French girl
I was telling you about.
Hello, Evey.
Hello.
You have a beautiful place. Oh, thank you.
You boys seem to be in sort of a mix-up.
Let's sit down and talk about it. Okay.
It won't take but a couple minutes.
What seems to be the problem?
We don't have anyplace to live.
We can arrange that here. Is there
anything else I can do to help?
We want to adopt Evey,
but we can't until we get into
some kind of legitimate business.
Oh, I see.
And another thing,
I, I, I...
I gotta get married, but we can
talk about that some other time.
I'll be glad to...
anytime.
Pardon me for butting in,
but maybe I can help too.
How'd you fellas like to go
in the automobile business?
Bill's one of the top drivers
in the country. He races midgets.
Races midgets?
Uh-huh.
Why don't you race with
somebody your own size?
Stupid, he's talking about little automobiles.
I've built the fastest thing on wheels.
It's sitting in a garage with
$8,000 in unpaid bills against it.
Wait a minute.
I think we can help you.
Between our separation pay and the
loans banks are giving the vets,
I think we can do it.
Good..
If I get my car out of hock,
I'm a cinch to win Saturday.
That prize money's peanuts compared to
what we'll make manufacturing the engine.
We'll have $50,000 in orders
20 minutes after the race.
I wanna start taking orders.
You've got partners.
We're in business.
Drop over tomorrow. We'll
talk things over. Swell.
I've gotta see the garage
man. Now he can't sell me out.
Will you excuse me? I've
gotta get on this right away.
Boy, do you bring me luck.
See you tomorrow?
Uh-huh.
Excuse me. I'll go to the door with you.
Don't look like she's
much interested in you.
I'm sorry, Uncle Herbie.
I didn't know she liked him.
That's all right. I'd rather
marry a homely girl anyway.
Why? If you marry a pretty
girl, she's liable to run away.
But isn't a homely girl
liable to run away too?
Yeah, but who cares?
It's awful nice of you to let us stay.
I don't need a pillow,
Aunt Sylvia.
Okay, hon.
We're goin' to bed we're goin' to bed
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're goin' bed
We got a bed ooo, we're lucky
We're luc...
Uncle Herbie?
Here's a pillow for you. Thanks, honey.
Good night, Uncle
Slicker. Good night, Evey.
Good night, Uncle Herbie.
Good night, darling.
Gee, she looks cute.
I'll say she does.
We're goin' to bed we're goin' to bed
Oh, tonight's the first night
I'll really get some sleep
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Thank you, Slicker.
Get up out of there. I sleep
in there. You just put me in.
Don't give me that. You put me
in like a mama puts a baby to bed.
That's my bed. I was already in it.
Stay out of it. That's no
way to treat a return veteran.
Go away.
A return veteran.
When we were overseas,
you didn't fire a gun.
I didn't have to. I did
my fightin' with a knife.
A knife? I had 6,382 to my credit.
Enemies?
No, potatoes.
Oh, stop. Furthermore, I was where
the bullets were the thickest.
Where was that? Underneath
the ammunition truck.
Get up out of there.
Listen, you...
Straighten out that
hooked rug. Hooked rug?
That's what I said. That's no
way to talk about Miss Sylvia.
It's none of our business
how she got it. Oh, go to bed.
Miss Sylvia, hookin' rugs. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Too hard.
Thank you.
Poor Herbie. I should never have let him go
out on that fire escape with that blanket.
Might need it myself.
Are you asleep yet,
Herbie?
Not yet, Slicker, but I'm
just about ready to fall off.
Slicker.
Slicker..
So, that's what you mean when you
complain about the size of the wash.
The minute I go out the door,
that comes in the window.
But Eustace... I'll settle with you later.
First, I want that clothesline Casanova.
Slick.
Herbie.
The other way.
The other way. Slicker.
All right.
Slicker.
Give me your hand. Over the other
side. Slicker, the other side.
Herbie..
Slicker.
Come here. Hey, boy, now.
Slicker. The other way. Come back here.
What's the matter with you?
- You let go of that line.
Who does that line belong to?
Slicker. Get. Get. You'll
have trouble with me.
Will you let go of that line?
I put it up, didn't I? Oh, you did?
Will ya shut up?
You wanna break the rope?
Look, if you don't let go
of that line, I'll cut it.
I'd like to see ya do it.
- Don't coax him, please don't.
He's a nice man.
Slicker.
You keep out of this. Here I am fighting
your battles. And what do you do?
Lie down, take it easy.
- Slicker.
As far as he's concerned, he hasn't
got nerve enough to cut the line.
Oh. Is that so?
Now, listen, Slicker.
Now, wait.
Mister, you wouldn't...
Slicker.
No.
Hey, you, you, mister..
You keep out of this.
Don't. Don't.
No. No.
Pardon me for droppin' in. Herbie Brown.
I think you forgot your gloves, patrolman.
I'm chasin' one of them peddlers,
Captain. He was in my bed.
And when he got up, he put on
your pants. Yes, sir. No, sir.
I mean, I was so excited I forgot.
I'll put them on right
away. Oh, that'll be fine.
And Collins, don't bother
about putting on your shoes.
Where I'm transferring you,
the grass will be so high...
...nobody will ever notice your feet.
But, but, but...
And Collins,
keep your trap shut.
Slicker.. Slicker..
Slicker. Herbie, Herbie, take it easy now.
We gotta get outta here.
Sgt. Collins lives here.
That won't be easy.
Why not? We're veterans.
That ought to give us a priority.
There it is. Hasn't been a house like
this on the market since the war began.
Oh, Slicker, let's get it.
It'll be swell for Evey.
Not so fast. Let's go inside
first. Just a minute, friend.
I promised this to another party.
If you take the time to go inside...
...and he comes along,
I'll have to give him the house.
Slicker, let's get it before
the other guy comes. How much?
735 dollars.
- All right, you've got a deal.
Good, good, you got a deal. Oh, keep quiet.
How much?
735 dollars.
Seven, thirty...
Herbie, you pay him.
'Herbie, you pay him.
' Go ahead. Pay the man.
You put your hand in your
pocket, come out with stuff,
but you're afraid to
release it. Release yours.
Now I know what they mean by
separation pay. Go ahead, 735.
735.735.
There you are, that's swell. Thank you.
Here's your lease. Thank you, sir. That's it.
We're all set. Thank you
a lot. Thanks ever so much.
Okay, Joe.
Oh, boy.
This is our house.
It's all ours. Thanks a lot.
Guess we'll enjoy this.
Hey, Slicker.
Where ya goin'?
735 dollars for a broken-down old bus.
What are you kickin' about? I got
the worst of it. I can't drive.
Oh, boy.
That's a pip.
Bill says it'll do better
than 90 miles an hour.
Get inside.
Oh, no, I will not.
Even standing still,
it's going too fast for me.
Hey, fellas, come here a minute. Come on.
While you are at the bank arranging your...
...loans, I'll have the
corporation papers set up.
Why, aren't you coming with us? Not me.
Because of that car,
I owe money all over town.
I think you'd do better without
me. Show these blueprints.
If they know anything about
engines, you're in. Swell.
And here's a scale model.
Here's how she starts.
Ha.
Look, fellas, take good care of it, will ya?
I spent a lot of time on this little baby.
It was taken right from that one over there.
This little baby was
taken from that one? Yep.
Isn't it young to be
taken away from its mother?
Oh, come on, let's get
to the bank. Pick it up.
I'll take good care of it. See ya later, Bill.
Good luck, fellas. Come on.
I beg your pardon. Who do we
see about getting a G.I. loan?
Mr. Quince. Go right in. Thank you.
Hey, Slicker, look.
J.P. Quince, Private.
Serviceman.
How do you do?
How do you do, sir?
When were you discharged?
Discharged? I've been here six years.
Six years and still a private.
This guy's dumber than me. Quiet.
What can I do for you? We're veterans.
We've come for our $4,000 loan.
I'm afraid it isn't as easy as all that.
According to the G.I. Bill
of Rights, it's here on page 10.
You go to the bank. All
you got to do is... I know.
But first we must be convinced of
the soundness of your enterprise.
You are toy makers?
- Toy makers?
Oh, no. This is a model of
the fastest midget racing car.
Have you had experience
with motors? Oh, yes, yes.
You see, overseas we were assigned
to the jeep section of the motor pool.
Driving them?
- Uh-uh, washing them.
Pay no attention to him. Take a look
at these prints. This is Greek to me.
Would you explain the basic
engineering principles of the car?
I'd be delighted.
Let me have these.
According to these, this car will
accelerate to 85 on the straightaways...
...and decelerate to 55 around the turns.
You understand that?
Yes.
You do?
Then explain it to me.
Well, perhaps I'd better have
one of our experts check it.
You don't have to do that. This model
here, I'd like to demonstrate it.
All you got to do, sir,
is go like this. Watch.
See that?
Take it. I don't want it. I don't want it.
Take it. Turn it off. Turn it off.
Oh, dear.
It's a stickup.
Put it down.
Give us the money, we'll leave.
Herbie?
What happened, Herbie?
Herbie.
What happened?
Speak to me.
Speak up, Herbie.
They got me.
They got ya?
They got me. No, don't tell me that, Herbie.
Herbie? Slicker, take care of Evey for me.
Yes, I'll do that. Brace up,
Herbie. You'll be all right.
Herbie?
I'm going.
Don't say that, Herbie. Slicker.
Take it easy.
Oh.
Take it easy, Herbie. Slicker.
Oh, Slicker.
Herbie.
Take it easy, Herbie. Slicker.
I'm goin' fast.
Oh, no, ya don't.
No, you either.
Look at this place. Frightened depositors,
caused a false alarm to be sent...
...and made a shambles out of my office.
Well, say something. What
do you think about the car?
Get out of here. Get
out. Without my G.I. loan?
Absolut... get out. All right.
Come on. I'm sorry. Is that final?
Absolutely final. Get out
of here. Get out. Get out.
I'm gonna give you one
more chance. Get out.
Get out. Okay. Slicker, we
ain't gonna get that loan.
Evey, get down from there.
All right, Aunt Sylvia.
We're all through, Miss Hunter. That's fine.
No one would ever know this
was once a broken-down bus.
I should say not. What
about the bill? Don't worry.
Mr. Smith and Mr. Brown will be back
from the bank any minute. Thank you.
Come on, Herbie,
will ya?
There's no sense walking
the streets all day.
We might as well go home and
break the news to the kid.
I don't think I can do it.
Gee, I wish that I...
G. I... Gee, I got it.
What's the matter? How about
borrowin' the money from the G.I. s?
Hey, that's an inspiration.
I'm glad I thought of that.
Why, those dog faces will be
tickled to death to help little Evey.
Do you think we can get the
money by the big race Saturday?
Yes, if you keep out of my way.
Go over to the bus and relax.
I'll round up the boys,
all of them.
All of them except Collins.
That Slicker's a smart fella.
Why didn't I have brains enough to think
about rounding up the boys from our outfit.
I should have thought of it.
No, not me, I never think.
I'm a big dope.
I'll get a job.
That oughta help Evey.
Maybe I'll be almost as smart as Slicker.
That's what I'll do.
Are you fellows satisfied the
car is everything I said it was?
Sure.
You got us, Slicker.
Here's the dough.
Thanks, fellows.
Bill, this is swell. It's going
to solve everybody's problem.
That calls for a drink.
Drinks are on the house.
Lemonade.
Lemonade?
You didn't expect it to be
made with apricots, did ya?
We'd like somethin' stronger.
I'll squeeze another lemon.
You see? Anything to
accommodate you boys.
We got the dough we got the dough
There's not a son of a gun
can worry us anymo'
Mo'?
It rhymes.
I'm showering.
Must be some of the boys.
Pardon me just a minute.
Uh-oh. It's Collins.
Come on.
It can't be...
not Collins.
It is.
Well, well, well.
My favorite detail.
My, isn't this cozy?
Now, look... All right,
Brown. Where's that kid?
What kid? You know what I'm talking about.
Evey. Evey? She went back to France.
The real estate office reported two
veterans moved in here with a kid.
Herbie's the only young kid around here.
Huh.
He ain't this young.
Give me back my doll. Where is she?
Evey. Evey.
Where's that kid?
Evey, come out wherever
you are. Do ya hear me?
No, you don't. Stand aside.
I'm gonna look in that closet.
You'll be sorry.
Get away from there.
Now, look...
Brown, you'll get 10 years for
obstructing justice for this,
you idiot.
Every knock is a boost in...
forget it.
Pardon me, did that light stay on? Yes.
Thank you.
Why, you.
Not with a child in my
arms. Evey's here someplace.
Herbie Brown, if you don't tell me where
that kid is, I'll break every bone...
You leave my uncle alone. Ahhh.
Come out of there.
Look, Sarge.
You keep out of this. I thought
you said she went back to France.
I didn't know she had a round-trip
ticket. Can't we talk it over?
No. This means a promotion for me.
Come on, you two. All right, take it easy.
Quit stallin'.
Keep goin'..
Maybe we better go out the back
door. There ain't no back door.
Officer, my name's Bill Gregory
and these boys are my partners.
We just raised enough money
to pay for my new racing car.
When I win the Gold Cup Saturday,
we're in the midget car business.
And Evey is here to stay. What can you
lose by waitin' till after the race?
Plenty, the tip from the real
estate office went to headquarters.
So what? Give us another chance.
On account of you, I was
transferred from Times Square...
...to Tenth Avenue and
now from Tenth to here.
I'm sick and tired of havin' the
three of ya hang over my head.
Oh, boy, that's it. Get some water.
Get some water. Give me
a handkerchief, quick.
There's the water.
Who's that?
Roberts, the immigration service.
Uh-oh, get Evey under cover.
Look out. Bill, pull the drapes.
You guys grab furniture.
I'll stall 'em at the door.
Go ahead.
Grab everything.
Hey, what's going on here?
I don't know. Open up.
How do you do? You didn't have to
bring an officer here to evict us.
I'm not here to evict you.
You want to rent the place,
but you can't wait till we move out.
Mr. Roberts doesn't want to rent this
place. He came here expecting a child.
Well,
congratulations.
We came here looking for a party.
Sorry, the party's over.
Pardon me, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
Have you seen a little girl around here? No.
You forgot that. Oh,
that belongs to you all.
To me?
It belongs to me?
Collins.
What are you doing here?
Get up.
Answer me.
What are you doing here? Where am I?
Where are you.
Captain.
Here's the little girl we've been looking fo...
That eviction must have been a gag.
All right, Collins, what's
your alibi this time?
Well, Captain, there was... I know,
there were two peddlers and a girl,
and they got away and I
suppose they took your badge.
Oh, no, sir, here it is. Oh, that's fine.
Now you can give it to me.
Hey, hold it, Mulroney.
Oh, it's you. I was leaving for
home. I got tired waiting for ya.
I got the money now.
Shall we go inside?
You don't have to.
I got the release here.
What about a key? I want to take
the car out before you get here.
That's okay with me, but I don't
know about the cops in there.
Cops? Co... co... police?
They're waiting to grab you
the minute you get near the car.
Hope you can straighten things out, Bill.
If either one of you is Herbie Brown,
sounds like you're
headed for the electric chair.
I'll be seein' ya. Did you hear what he said?
If any one of us is Herbie
Brown, the electric chair.
That's the hot seat.
Wait a minute.
I'm Herbie Brown.
Oh, it's Collins. He's got
two plainclothesmen with him.
Now what can we do?
They've got to sleep sometime.
When they do we'll get that car.
Hey, they're asleep. Good.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Stop.
Be quiet and don't make any noise.
What are you doin' now? Talkin' to myself.
Don't talk so loud. I
gotta hear what I gotta say.
Shh. You guys go inside. I'll
stay here and be a lookout.
Who you gonna look out for? Myself.
Come on.
We'll push the racer onto the trailer
and pull it out with the tow car.
Don't make any noise.
Watch 'em. Make sure they don't wake up.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I'm going to give him a sedative.
Stop it.
But I mean I...
Slicker.
Slicker, Slicker.
Quiet, you wanna wake 'em up?
It's my little hand.
Quiet, quiet.
Let go of my coat.
Let go of my coat.
I ain't wearin' no blue sleeve.
Bill. Bill.
Bill.
Harry, get ahold of these two guys.
Bill. So, I finally caught up with you guys.
On account of you I was
suspended from the force.
You're not a cop anymore? I'll get my
badge back as soon as I turn you in.
If you ain't a policeman, you can't
arrest us. But the captain can.
I'm phoning him now. Why phone the...
...captain when you got
two plainclothesmen?
They ain't plainclothesmen.
What are we waitin' for?
Hey, Bill.
Fore.
A ringer..
Come here.
What's up, doc?
Where are you?
Where are you.
Where are you.
Where are you.
Come here.
Let me brush you off.
Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, you.
Where did he go?
Where did he go? That's
what I wanna know.
You.
Where are you? C'mon,
get out. Take it easy.
One.
Two.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get 'em.
All right.
Ed. It's you.
What are you doing in here?
Come here..
Hey, Herbie, Slicker.
Hey, Bill.
Bill.
Ed, follow me when you can.
Follow me when you can.
Stop that car in the name of the law.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next
event is the final qualifying heat...
...for the $20,000 Gold Cup race.
The entries are being
towed for the warm-up.
In minutes, six of the fastest
midget cars in the country...
...will compete for starting
positions in the big race.
Here they come into the turn.
I think they might get the flag.
They're off.
Attaboy.
Come on, Bill.
That's it.
Attaboy, Bill.
Just once more around.
Ah-ha. We win. We win.
We win.
Boy, oh, boy.
We're in. Fellows, it's in
the bag. We're in the chips.
The winner of the final
qualifying heat is Bill Gregory,
in his new Gregory special,
car number 17.
You were wonderful.
Nice work, Bill.
Thanks, fellas. Any
signs of the enemy? No.
If they was,
we wouldn't be here.
I was afraid 15 was gonna catch up, really...
The race is gonna start in a few
minutes. Will ya pull her to the line?
I'll go see if the girls are all right. Okay, Bill.
Turn the wheel left.
Left?
Right. Which way do
you want me to turn it?
To the left... that's right. To the left?
How can the left be right? If I
turn left, that's left. That's right.
You want me to turn to the
left? To the left, right.
How can I turn left if you want me
to go right? The right's that way.
I don't want you to turn right. Turn left.
You want me to turn left? Right.
C'mon. Which way do you want me to turn?
To the left... right. To the left.
That's the same trouble I have
with my feet in the army. C'mon.
Attention,
attention, please.
Will all drivers in the Gold Cup
please return to their cars?
That's my cue.
That's for luck.
Good luck, darling.
How about one from you?
Will you kiss Uncle Herbie
for me? Not if I can avoid it.
Collins, if this is another
wild goose chase, you're through.
Take my word for it. Those
two guys are with Gregory.
Where they are, the kid
is. Uh-oh, there's Gregory.
Will cars 15 and 30,
the Appleby entry, line up?
Attention, Bill Gregory,
please report to your car.
You're holding up the start.
Hey, that's funny, he only went
over to see Sylvia and Evey.
I can't imagine what's
keepin' him. Neither can I.
You wait here. I'll go and
get him. This is serious.
I'm sorry, Sylvia.
All right, Captain.
Let's go.
You better prove it.
Smith.
Smith.
This is one of'em.
Sarge, be reasonable, will ya? Never mind.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're ready for the main event,
the 100-lap Gold Cup race.
Competing for the grand prize will
be the best drivers in the country.
Wait, wait, will ya?
Not me. Hey.
Hey, you. Hey. I'm not
Bill Gregory. Hey, not me.
There's that car goin' out now, number 17.
Seventeen. Hey, Slicker,
who's drivin' my car?
I don't know.
I'll ask Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie can't drive.
He'll be killed.
What's the matter? Has Gregory
gone nuts? That's Herbie.
How do you stop it?
Hey. This, this car don't belong to me.
Clear the infield.
I gotta get...
Get out of the way.
Do it.
Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie. He's trying to make a getaway.
You wait right here. I'll go
get him. Oh, no, you don't.
We'll all go get him. To your
cars, everybody. You too, watch him.
He ain't gonna get away with killin'
himself. I want that man alive.
Captain, you've no right
to commandeer my car.
I'm William Appleby. I've got
two cars entered in the Gold Cup.
I wanted to see that race.
You're seein' one, aren't ya?
Give me that loudspeaker. Herbie.
Stop showing off.
Get back to the track.
Horses.
Wrong track.
Head him off, Max. He's
gotta catch him first.
If anything happens to Uncle Herbie, I'll die.
Herbie.
Don't he realize he can get a ticket for that.
Herbie?
In there.
Herbie, Herbie, are you
all right? Are you hurt?
How's your head? You're crazy,
you know that, don't you?
Uncle Herbie, are you all
right? I'm all right, honey.
But on account of me
I lost the race and you too.
Young man, the only thing
you lost was the prize money.
This is Mr. Appleby. Of Appleby Motors.
And he's ordered 20 cars and 200 engines.
And that's only a starter.
It's an amazing car.
That's swell.
But what about Evey?
I've seldom seen such affection as
you and this child have for each other.
You mean, I can adopt
Evey? Well, not quite.
But with Mr. And Mrs. Gregory
supplying a home life...
Then I can adopt you and Uncle Slicker.
Yeah. There's one stipulation.
Here it comes. I insist that you get a
job that will keep you away from racing.
Collins.
Yes, sir.
Oh... no.
No.
Aunt Sylvia,
here they come.
I can't see Uncle Herbie. Oh?
The buck privates have
fought their war and won...
...and they march in glory.
Their reward...
they're going home.
It's one of the miracles of our times...
...that this, the greatest fighting
force the world has ever known,
came into being one autumn day in 1940.
On this day, Congress passed the Draft Act,
calling the nation's youth to arms.
And the young manhood of America
answered the call.
They came millions strong
from all walks oflife.
Farmers, schoolboys and others
ofless creditable occupations.
Have I ever had the opportunity of...
...presenting such
merchandise to the public?
Feel that material. Friends,
all I'm asking for is 10 cents.
Here, I got a buck.
- The gentleman buys 10 ties.
How can he sell ties that cheap?
We ain't got no overhead. We haven't
even got a license. Feel that material.
It won't wrinkle or fade.
Fade, Smitty, fade.
What's wrong?
What's wrong? The opper-cay is here.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Come here, you.
Some were so eager to volunteer, they
actually ran to the recruiting station.
Herbie, quick, get in line.
We'll hide in the movies.
When we get in,
we'll stay a long time.
Get a couple of tickets. Okay.
These were the buck privates. They
had to be taught the arts of war.
They had to learn to become soldiers.
Get back there.
You first four, form in.
Right face.
Forward march.
Detail, halt.
Left face.
Order arms.
You four are undoubtedly
the dumbest numskulls...
I've ever had the misfortune of drilling.
Private Smith, fall out. You seem
to know what this is all about.
Take over these men.
Drill them for half an hour...
...and see if you can
sweat some sense into them.
I'm exhausted. The rest
of you men, follow me.
Forward march. Put my gun
in the tent. Count off.
One, two, three, four.
Bingo.
You behave yourself,
do you understand?
I won't warn you again.
Get your chins up.
Get your chest out.
Throw out your chest.
Get your chest out.
Throw it out.
I'm not through with it yet. Quiet.
Right shoulder arms.
Come on. Pick it up.
I thought I had it.
Pick it up. Come on.
Snap into it. All right.
Big man now? Big captain? Quiet.
Order arms. I'll have a cap pistol.
You keep quiet.
I won't warn you again.
All right, all right. Pick
on somebody else. Quiet.
Right shoulder arms.
I said right shoulder.
That's your left shoulder.
I'm left-handed.
Get it over.
It feels better over here. Get it over there.
What a...
Get it over there.
Left shoulder arms.
Right shoulder arms.
Why don't you make up
your mind? Get back there.
Right shoulder arms. Left
shoulder arms. Quiet..
Do as you're told.
Order arms.
Right shoulder arms. Left
shoulder arms. Quiet..
Present arms.
C'mon, I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Do you want it? Put it up there. Get it up.
Get it up.
Right face.
Come on. Come on.
Left face.
Turn with the rest of'em. The guy hit me.
Turn with the rest of'em. Pick it up.
Right face.
Right face.
Forward march.
Halt. Halt.
Where are you going? I don't know.
You don't know? Well,
find out. Now, get with it.
What time is it?
None of your business.
About face.
Forward march.
Hi, fellas.
Halt. Halt.
You guys are going the wrong
way. Will you get in line?
I don't know. You got me in
this mess. Get a load of this.
Right face. Forward march. Halt.
Right face. Forward march. Halt.
Right face.
Forward march.
Halt.
Left face.
Ahhh, gently.
Right face.
Right face.
Whew. Boy, what a time
we had with them three.
Yeah.
Forward march.
Even now, with the victory long since won,
it's hard to believe that these...
...precision-like columns
marching homeward...
...were the awkward, raw recruits
of short years ago.
We're goin'home we're goin'home
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're goin' home
No more uniforms to wear
no more sergeants in our hair
No peeling a spud or hikin'
in mud we left that over there
We're goin' home we're goin' home
And our second lieutenant is
out of a job hooray, hooray
We can sleep till after 10:00
then go back to sleep again
Because we're goin' home
We're on our way we're on our way
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're on our way
Oh, I'd like to dance a jig
no more ditches do we dig
No makin' a slip or shootin'
your lip and landin' in the brig
We're goin' home we're goin' home
Oh, we'll never be missed and we
don't give a hip-hooray, hooray
Left, right, left, right. Left, right,
left, right. Left, right, left, right.
Left, right, left, right.
Left... halt.
About face.
Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
Forward... march.
Left, right, left, right. Left,
right, left, right. Left, right...
What's the matter with you, Brown? Halt.
About face.
Come here.
If I gotta die of old age in this man's army,
I'm gonna teach you your
left foot from your right.
I don't think it's gonna do
much good, Sergeant.
None of your lip. Carry on. Honest.
Forward march. Left, right, left,
right. Left, right, left, right.
Left...
Collins.
Yes, sir.
Get the men to their quarters. The
colonel's ordered a shakedown inspection.
Too many men have been
bringing in illegal souvenirs.
Very well, sir. See that every duffel
bag is ready for a thorough search.
I understand, sir.
Hey, you guys, duck everything that's hot.
The captain's coming for inspection.
Don't they know the war's over?
Don't push, Slicker.
All right. Stop worrying.
I gotta get this bag outta here.
Just get rid of the contraband.
I still gotta get this bag out.
What have you got in that bag?
What have you got in that bag?
Just stuff, any kind of stuff.
You have got contraband,
haven't you? Contraband?
Speak up. Tell me the truth. Whew, yeah.
I thought so. Show it to me. All right.
This German booby trap.
Why worry about that?
They'll think that's a camera. Wait
a minute. Has that been 'demined'?
Has it been what?
You know, disconnected?
Oh, don't worry, Slicker. Nothin'
ever happens when you do this.
And nothing never happens
when you do this. Oh.
But never, never,
never... do that.
That's what sets off the bomb. I see.
It's a time bomb.
Get rid of it.
You can have it.
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Oh, no, no, no.
Get rid of it.
Look out.
You won't hear it now if it
goes off. Neither will you.
Get out, everybody. Wait
a minute. Not you, not you.
Here, put this here. Get
rid of it. No, no, Slicker.
Hold it. Go ahead, get rid of it.
What are you gonna do?
Not in there.
Ka-boom.
Out the porthole.
Out the porthole. Get out
of there. Out the porthole.
You mean the window.
Get over there.
Get it out..
Hello, Slicker.
Evey.
How did you...
Oh, I told Herbie not to...
Duck. Duck quick.
Hurry up, get in there.
Duck.
Herbie..
Herbie. Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie.. Herbie..
Wow, am I glad I got that window open.
Why didn't you throw it
overboard when you were outside?
You told me to throw it out the window
and I always do what you tell me.
Oh, you do? Didn't I tell you not to bring...
Hey, here comes the old man.
'Tention.
What was that?
Thunder.
Maybe we'll get rain.
Now we'll get hail.
Close that porthole and keep it closed.
Take over, Sergeant. I'll be back
as soon as I've changed my blouse.
Yes, sir.
Ow. Ow, ow, ooo.
All right,
you guys.
Get outta my way.
Break out your gear for
inspection... everything.
Brown.
After six long years, I can read
that baby face of yours like a book.
Now, you're up to something.
Gimme that bag.
No, no, no.
Ow..
What's that?
I don't know. Open it up. Give me the bag.
That's an order,
Brown.
Slicker.
Turn around the other
way. What's the matter?
The other way.
The other way, Herbie.
Evey.
Hi, Sarge.
Hello, fellas.
Hi, Evey.
This is one thing I know nothing about.
Tell the sergeant who put you in the bag.
You did,
Uncle Herbie.
This does it.
Brown, I told you to leave this kid in France.
I just couldn't stay behind
with Uncle Herbie gone.
Besides, she had no place to go or
no one to go to... but Slicker and me.
We've been just like a
mama and papa to her.
Leave me out of this.
- Okay, Papa.
There's no use arguing.
It's against regulations.
I gotta report it.
If you do they'll send her back and
she'll have to go to an orphan asylum.
That's a rap you wouldn't
want on your conscience.
How 'bout pretending you
didn't see her? Oh, sure, sure.
And lose my stripes for it? Then what?
You might become a
regular guy. Who said that?
I did.
I did.
Look, fellas, I don't make the
rules, but I gotta carry 'em out.
I must report Evey.
I know I don't know my
right foot from my left,
but I do know right from wrong.
And if you send Evey back, that's wrong.
Herbie, let the sergeant do his duty.
After all, back in the States
we're just a couple of...
Look, let's face facts.
Even if we get the kid through,
we're not used to any responsibility.
Where do we go from there?
What about Uncle Herbie's
tie business on Times Square?
The one where he hires you
to sweep the floor?
Hires me?
- Yes.
He also paid Sgt. Collins
to be the night watchman.
What have you been telling this
kid, you miserable goldbrick?
You oughta be ashamed of yourself
talking to Uncle Herbie that way...
...after all the times he saved your life.
He what?
Sarge, if you touch Uncle
Herbie, I don't know what I'll do.
Oh, I know.
I'll tell the captain.
You'll tell the captain what?
How you brought me on board...
...and how you hid me in Pvt. Brown's bag.
Sure, sure. How I brought you on board.
How I hid you in Brown's bag.
I wouldn't brag about it. You know that
aiding a stowaway is against regulations.
That's just what I was telling
them. Then why did you do it?
I didn't do it. It was him.
I heard you say you did.
Blaming an innocent man won't help.
Bring that child to my
stateroom immediately. Yes, sir.
Brown? Yes, sir. I'll go with you.
You'll answer to me for this, and
that goes for the rest of you guys.
Bye, Uncle Herbie.
I'm sorry I got you fellas into this mess.
Slicker, I didn't mean
to get you into trouble.
I...
Look, if it'll make you feel any
better, slap me right in the face.
Right here in this face. Go away from me.
Go ahead. It'll make me
feel better if you slap me.
I told you to go away from me.
This is the only thing I've
ever asked you to do for me.
Slap me in the face...
right there.
And I had to coax him for it.
Ouch.
No matter who's responsible
for bringing her aboard,
I see no other course but to turn her
over to the immigration officials...
...and have her sent back on
the next boat. Yes, sir.
Lt. Hunter, will you take care of the
child during the rest of the voyage?
Certainly.
My name is Sylvia Hunter. Would
you like to share my stateroom?
I'd rather stay with Uncle Herbie.
Of course you would. But being a
company mascot, you know the army.
Regulations are regulations.
Okay, but if we lived up to all the
regulations handed down by the brass,
we'd have lost the war.
Who did you hear say that? Sgt. Collins.
Uh, is that all, sir? Not quite.
I have approval to give
a company party for the men.
You pitch in and give
the mess officer a hand.
Yes, sir.
The captain wants to get the party
started on time, so snap to it.
Yes, sir.
Brown, Smith.
Yes, sir. Get that stuff out of the way.
You and Brown set up...
Where's Brown? Okay, Sarge.
Brown.
Yes?
Brown?
Yes, sir.
Where is that...
Brown.
What do you want?
Come here.
Where is he? He's looking for you in there.
Where is that imbecile?
I can't find him. Didn't I always
tell you that he was a dope?
Didn't I?
Right?
Brown?
Sergeant,
did you call me?
What do you think?
How's Evey? Evey's all right.
And so's anybody else who
stays away from you guys.
Get busy and set up that buffet table.
Snap to it.
Ooo-ooo-ooh.
'Oh' what?
Okay.
Get that thing out of here. I'll get
this sawhorse. You mean sea horse.
Sawhorse. Sea horse. We're on
a boat. Oh, Slicker, tsk, tsk.
Oh, go ahead.
Come on. Give me a hand with this table.
Don't drop it.
Pick it up. Attaboy.
Is it too heavy?
No.
Swing it around.
Attaboy. That's swell.
Get that tablecloth over there. Hurry up.
Come on, throw it over the table. Huh?
Throw it over the table. What are
you doing? Throwing it over the table.
Go get that tablecloth.
All right.
Come on. Get it up here. You take that end.
Herbie, when they serve the food,
don't reach for it. Ask for it.
Ask for it? You have a tongue, haven't you?
Yes, but I can reach
much further with my hands.
Go get the silverware.
Hurry up.
C'mon,
snap into it.
Get the turkey. You're
worse than the sarge.
Get with it.
Look, put it over in the center
here. You know, dress it up.
Take the bread. Now
you're doin' something.
Yeah, mama's little helper. You're all right.
Now let's see...
the cake.
You take the cake. Stop. Don't
touch it. That cake's for the boys.
And don't drop it. Be
careful. Is it too heavy?
It's all right.
What did I tell you?
Didn't I tell you to stay outta that cake?
I don't understand it. Don't
tell me what you understand.
I told you it was for the boys, didn't I?
Wipe your mouth off.
It's on your chin, nose...
I...
Oh, you went at it again,
huh? Get outta there.
I told you not to touch that cake. I didn't.
Get that silverware around
the table. Spread it around.
I might as well shave.
Spread that silverware.
Look where you put the cake...
on the edge of the table.
Slicker.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Stingy.
Get that fruit bowl.
Well, I don't...
Get the fruit bowl.
Put it on the table.
Put it on there.
Don't drop it.
Put it down there.
'Tention.
Collins.
Miss Sylvia, won't I get to
see Uncle Herbie before I go?
Those are the orders,
Evey.
I'm sure he'd have been here if he could
but we have to leave before the men.
If they'd only give him time,
he'd fix everything.
He's the smartest man in the outfit. He is?
Sgt. Collins said nobody
could teach him anything.
You really love Uncle
Herbie, don't you? Mmm-hmm.
I'd marry him if I was
bigger and he was littler.
Are you married?
No, I almost was,
but everybody isn't as
perfect as your Uncle Herbie.
Come in.
Lt. Hunter, this is Mrs. Edwards
from the immigration office.
She'll take charge of the
little girl. Thank you.
How do you do?
How do you do?
If I give you my address,
will you write me? Of course.
And will you try to find
Uncle Herbie in Times Square...
...and let him read the letter?
I will, Evey.
Here. Take extra good
care of her. Yes, I will.
Come along, Evey.
Good-bye, Aunt Sylvia. Bye, Evey.
We're goin'home we're goin'home
On deck, men.
We're goin' ashore.
Just as soon as we're ashore
there'll be folks that we adore
To welcome us back and give us a
smack that's what we've waited for
We're goin' home we're goin' home
What comes after this medical exam?
You're a civilian, bud.
What's a civilian?
That's the guy that tells you about the...
...grand times he had
when he was in the army.
When they get you in the army, they
rush you to bed and then to get up.
They rush you here. They rush you
there. They rush you everywhere.
And when it's time for you to get
out, everybody takes their time.
Stop griping.
Stop griping?
Sgt. Collins, you and me
got a score to settle.
When you were a cop, if I hit
you it was resisting an officer.
If I hit you when you're a
sergeant, it's insubordination.
But when you and me go out that
front gate, we're civilians.
Then what? I'll forget
about the whole thing.
Ahh.
I guess I scared him.
Look at those lucky guys over there,
gettin' out today. And we're just goin' in.
Hey, Slicker?
What's the matter now?
I think I got a way of
beatin' all this red tape.
Ten... this is a shorter
line. I'll get out quicker.
All right, boys.
Take your shirts off.
Off with the shirts...
everybody.
What's your hurry, bud?
Keep your shirt on. You
told me to take my shirt off.
Keep your shirt on taking your shirt off.
How can I keep my shirt on
taking my shirt off?
Is your name Abbott?
Abbott?
Inside, rookie.
Rookie.
Silly boy.
Y... ou.
Let's go, pal.
Wait a minute.
Uh-oh.
Wait a minute.
Listen, that's not for me. No?
Ow, ow, ow.
I just got through telling
you that's not for me.
Now, look, Sergeant...
uh-uh, caught you that time.
Oh-ooo-ooo. Wait, I just told those two...
Now, enough is enough.
If you guys wanna do needlepoint,
work on a chair cover.
It hurts.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I don't want to be stuck
here the rest of the afternoon.
How much longer is this going
to go on? This is the end.
Silly boy.
Herbie.
Herbie.
Don't let 'em do it to you.
Herbie, don't let 'em do it.
It's too late. This man is being separated.
Separated? I've just been shot to pieces.
Herbie. All right,
take it easy.
See what you did to me? All right, Herbie.
I know. Slicker'll take care of you.
What they've done to me. I know, I know.
Ooo-ooo-ooo.
Ow, ow, ow.
Slicker.
Go on.
Hello, Mr. Drew.
How do you do?
This is the French girl who's
going back on this afternoon's boat.
Oh, yes. I have all her papers right here.
Will you explain to her that she has to
wait in the next room until boat time?
Racontez-le que je parle anglais.
What'd she say?
- She says to tell you she speaks English.
Come along, dear. You wait
in here. Be a good girl.
Sorry I'm late, Drew.
Anything doing?
One case... you'll find
the papers on the desk.
I'll look through them in a few minutes.
What are you doing in here? What am I...
You kids have been told time and
time again not to play ball out there.
But nobody ever told me because
I... Never mind about that.
Don't you know you can
get in trouble going...
...around smashing up
government property?
I'm sorry.
Well, guess I'd better be going now.
Not that way. Out the front way with you.
Come on.
More trouble with you kids.
Don't let me catch you around here again.
Thank you.
You won't.
That kid.
Step right up.
Today and today only, I am
selling $15 ties for 35 cents.
Pure silk.
It wears like iron.
My merchandise speaks for itself.
Far be it from me to resort
to the power of suggestion.
I'll go you one better.
I will demonstrate.
If some kind gentleman will
step forward, anyone at all.
Thank you and thank you. You're welcome.
Hello. Thank you,
stranger, for stepping up.
Stranger? Why, Slicker... Yes, yes.
Everything is going to be all right.
I want to prove that I can hypnotize
each one of you and sell you my ties.
But far be it from me to do anything
dishonest. Keep your eye on me.
Look into my eyes.
Just stand still.
I'm going to put you to sleep. To sleep?
I just got up.
That's all right.
It's gonna be a short
day. Look into my eyes.
You tell me when you get sleepy.
Tell me when you get
drowsy. When I get what?
Drowsy. Take it easy now. Oh, drowsy.
Please, pay attention to the professor.
Stand still.
There we are.
Ohhh-psst.
Look, I mean, after all,
that's not nice.
Put me to sleep but don't go...
That's not a bit nice. Will you...
Stand still, please.
Hold still a minute.
Psst.
There he goes again.
Will you stand still?
That's not nice in the face.
I don't go for that.
Don't do it again. Do as
I tell you. Stand still.
Sell the ties nice but don't go like that.
Psst.
Just a minute,
please.
What's the matter with
you? Quiet. Don't do that.
There he's going.
There he's going.
There you are. The boy is now in a
state of coma, cannot utter a word.
Am I right?
Right.
Gentlemen,
I want to prove to you...
...these ties are absolutely wrinkle proof.
I have here three ties,
securely knotted together.
Feel that knot.
Feel that.
Now I'm gonna take... loan me
your hat a minute. What for?
I wanna do a trick.
Not in my hat.
Hold on to it.
I'm not gonna harm your hat.
I'm gonna throw these ties,
securely knotted, into the hat.
If any of those ties come out
of that hat with a wrinkle in it,
I'll make you a present of it.
Hocus-pocus,
alacazam.
And here we have tie number one.
Here we have tie number two.
And here we have tie number
three without a wrinkle in 'em.
I'll take three. Now you're talking sense.
What am I gonna do with
these? It's a racket.
Who's the officer in here? I am.
There's a couple of phony tie
fellas taking us for our dough.
Is one of'em a tall, skinny guy and the
other a short squirt with a baby face?
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, no.
It couldn't be.
It couldn't happen to me,
not on the first day back on my old beat.
But if it is...
Stand aside, everybody.
Stand aside, everybody.
So, it is you guys.
Sarge. Somebody hit you in
the face with a cake again?
You had us scared. We thought
you were back on the police force.
Slicker, he is.
Come on.
Come back here. Leave Uncle Herbie alone.
Evey. Evey.
Hey, head for the subway.
Are you all right? No.
Warm day, isn't it, Collins? Yes, sir.
Too warm for a uniform? No, sir.
Then why aren't you wearing one?
I was chasing peddlers. And?
They got away with a French kid
that's in the country illegally.
I see. There were two peddlers and a
child who's in this country illegally.
You let them get away? No,
sir. I tripped and fell.
You certainly did.
Perhaps you won't find any obstacles in
your new path of duty... on Tenth Avenue.
But... But you're sending me
back to where I started.
That's where you belong.
After all, a seven-year-old child can't
continue to run around the streets.
She'll certainly contact you
or one of your countrymen.
Mr. Roberts, we are only too happy to
cooperate with the immigration service.
The moment we hear anything of Yvonne
LeBrec we'll contact your office.
Fine.
Thank you very much.
I hope I'll hear from you.
Mademoiselle Marchant,
send the other people.
Oh, how do you do?
How do you do?
Hello, son.
Hello.
Gentlemen, what can I do for you?
When we were overseas,
we met a French orphan girl.
We'd like to know how
to go about adopting her.
As a playmate for our nephew. Cousin.
Your what?
Cousin... nephew.
I don't understand.
Well, you see, he's my
nephew and his cousin. Yeah.
Where does this French girl live?
Paris... Marseille.
Marseille... Paris.
Her mama's a traveling salesman.
We'll give you all the details
as soon as we find out what to do.
We try to keep the
qualifications for adoption...
...as simple as we can.
First, you must have an established
business or a steady job.
Of course, you must be married,
able to meet our standards...
...of a decent home and good surroundings.
Oh.
It's nice to have met you, Mr. Duprez.
We'll be back just as soon as Uncle
Herbie takes care of all those things.
I hope so.
Bright youngster.
Yes, sir.
How old is he?
Six... seven.
Seven... six.
Six and a half. Right in the middle.
What's his name?
Pat... Mike.
Mike... Pat.
What is your name, son?
Don't tell him, Evey.
Evey.
Evey?
Did I... Evey?
Oh, yes, E.V. That's
her name, Edward Vincent.
Her name?
- Her name... Evey.
Est-ce que tu n'es pas
I'orpheline qui s'est echappe...
...du cour d'Immigration? Non,
monsieur. Je suis un garcon amricain.
What does that mean? We're dead ducks.
Slicker, get the kid. Thank
you for your encouragement.
We'll be back as soon as Uncle
Herbie takes care of everything.
Get out, hurry up.
Get out.
Nice to have met you.
Yvonne. Yvonne LeBrec.
Hello. Get me the immigration office.
Herbie, it's all ridiculous.
We can no more adopt Evey than fly.
I told you I'd get a job. Sure.
Where we gonna live? The cops are
probably at our boarding house now.
I bet Aunt Sylvia'll take us in.
Who is she?
I adopted her just the way
I did you, Uncle Herbie.
When I told her about you,
she sounded very interested.
She sounded interested
without seeing me?
I wonder what she'd say if she saw me.
That's what I'm worrying about.
Remember what that man said?
We've gotta get married.
We have to get married? Uh-huh.
Oh, Slicker, you wouldn't
marry me, would you?
Now, don't get silly.
Did you ever hear of anyone
marrying a man? Yes, sir.
Who?
My mother.
Wait. Have you got Aunt
Sylvia's address? Uh-huh.
Where is it? Let me see it. Right here.
Give me that. What are
we waitin' for? Come on.
Say, aren't you ready yet?
Just about.
I thought the army would
teach you to dress on time.
Glamour wasn't part of the regulations.
And knowing you, this isn't going
to be any run-of-the-mill inspection.
No wonder our side won the war.
You've kept in practice, Bill.
I hope you're still as fast on the
track as you are with the ladies.
Where you're concerned,
there's no competition.
I'd have been surer if you'd kept on writing.
It isn't any fun to share the eight ball.
When I ran out of luck I ran out of ink.
As long as you didn't run
out of me, everything's okay.
It's better than that. With you,
everything's gonna break my way.
Perfect timing.
Who is it?
Evey.
Evey.
Ah... Evey.
Yes. Here I am... Evey.
Evey, how did you... What are
you doing in those clothes?
We've got to fool the police. I ran away.
Is this your Aunt Sylvia? Uh-huh.
Oh, you must be Uncle Herbie.
No, I'm Slicker. This is Uncle Herbie. Oh.
Won't you come in?
Well, come on.
This is Bill Gregory.
Glad to know you, Bill.
Slicker, Herbie.
Oh, hello.
Evey's the French girl
I was telling you about.
Hello, Evey.
Hello.
You have a beautiful place. Oh, thank you.
You boys seem to be in sort of a mix-up.
Let's sit down and talk about it. Okay.
It won't take but a couple minutes.
What seems to be the problem?
We don't have anyplace to live.
We can arrange that here. Is there
anything else I can do to help?
We want to adopt Evey,
but we can't until we get into
some kind of legitimate business.
Oh, I see.
And another thing,
I, I, I...
I gotta get married, but we can
talk about that some other time.
I'll be glad to...
anytime.
Pardon me for butting in,
but maybe I can help too.
How'd you fellas like to go
in the automobile business?
Bill's one of the top drivers
in the country. He races midgets.
Races midgets?
Uh-huh.
Why don't you race with
somebody your own size?
Stupid, he's talking about little automobiles.
I've built the fastest thing on wheels.
It's sitting in a garage with
$8,000 in unpaid bills against it.
Wait a minute.
I think we can help you.
Between our separation pay and the
loans banks are giving the vets,
I think we can do it.
Good..
If I get my car out of hock,
I'm a cinch to win Saturday.
That prize money's peanuts compared to
what we'll make manufacturing the engine.
We'll have $50,000 in orders
20 minutes after the race.
I wanna start taking orders.
You've got partners.
We're in business.
Drop over tomorrow. We'll
talk things over. Swell.
I've gotta see the garage
man. Now he can't sell me out.
Will you excuse me? I've
gotta get on this right away.
Boy, do you bring me luck.
See you tomorrow?
Uh-huh.
Excuse me. I'll go to the door with you.
Don't look like she's
much interested in you.
I'm sorry, Uncle Herbie.
I didn't know she liked him.
That's all right. I'd rather
marry a homely girl anyway.
Why? If you marry a pretty
girl, she's liable to run away.
But isn't a homely girl
liable to run away too?
Yeah, but who cares?
It's awful nice of you to let us stay.
I don't need a pillow,
Aunt Sylvia.
Okay, hon.
We're goin' to bed we're goin' to bed
Every son of a gun of a one
of us knows we're goin' bed
We got a bed ooo, we're lucky
We're luc...
Uncle Herbie?
Here's a pillow for you. Thanks, honey.
Good night, Uncle
Slicker. Good night, Evey.
Good night, Uncle Herbie.
Good night, darling.
Gee, she looks cute.
I'll say she does.
We're goin' to bed we're goin' to bed
Oh, tonight's the first night
I'll really get some sleep
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Thank you, Slicker.
Get up out of there. I sleep
in there. You just put me in.
Don't give me that. You put me
in like a mama puts a baby to bed.
That's my bed. I was already in it.
Stay out of it. That's no
way to treat a return veteran.
Go away.
A return veteran.
When we were overseas,
you didn't fire a gun.
I didn't have to. I did
my fightin' with a knife.
A knife? I had 6,382 to my credit.
Enemies?
No, potatoes.
Oh, stop. Furthermore, I was where
the bullets were the thickest.
Where was that? Underneath
the ammunition truck.
Get up out of there.
Listen, you...
Straighten out that
hooked rug. Hooked rug?
That's what I said. That's no
way to talk about Miss Sylvia.
It's none of our business
how she got it. Oh, go to bed.
Miss Sylvia, hookin' rugs. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Too hard.
Thank you.
Poor Herbie. I should never have let him go
out on that fire escape with that blanket.
Might need it myself.
Are you asleep yet,
Herbie?
Not yet, Slicker, but I'm
just about ready to fall off.
Slicker.
Slicker..
So, that's what you mean when you
complain about the size of the wash.
The minute I go out the door,
that comes in the window.
But Eustace... I'll settle with you later.
First, I want that clothesline Casanova.
Slick.
Herbie.
The other way.
The other way. Slicker.
All right.
Slicker.
Give me your hand. Over the other
side. Slicker, the other side.
Herbie..
Slicker.
Come here. Hey, boy, now.
Slicker. The other way. Come back here.
What's the matter with you?
- You let go of that line.
Who does that line belong to?
Slicker. Get. Get. You'll
have trouble with me.
Will you let go of that line?
I put it up, didn't I? Oh, you did?
Will ya shut up?
You wanna break the rope?
Look, if you don't let go
of that line, I'll cut it.
I'd like to see ya do it.
- Don't coax him, please don't.
He's a nice man.
Slicker.
You keep out of this. Here I am fighting
your battles. And what do you do?
Lie down, take it easy.
- Slicker.
As far as he's concerned, he hasn't
got nerve enough to cut the line.
Oh. Is that so?
Now, listen, Slicker.
Now, wait.
Mister, you wouldn't...
Slicker.
No.
Hey, you, you, mister..
You keep out of this.
Don't. Don't.
No. No.
Pardon me for droppin' in. Herbie Brown.
I think you forgot your gloves, patrolman.
I'm chasin' one of them peddlers,
Captain. He was in my bed.
And when he got up, he put on
your pants. Yes, sir. No, sir.
I mean, I was so excited I forgot.
I'll put them on right
away. Oh, that'll be fine.
And Collins, don't bother
about putting on your shoes.
Where I'm transferring you,
the grass will be so high...
...nobody will ever notice your feet.
But, but, but...
And Collins,
keep your trap shut.
Slicker.. Slicker..
Slicker. Herbie, Herbie, take it easy now.
We gotta get outta here.
Sgt. Collins lives here.
That won't be easy.
Why not? We're veterans.
That ought to give us a priority.
There it is. Hasn't been a house like
this on the market since the war began.
Oh, Slicker, let's get it.
It'll be swell for Evey.
Not so fast. Let's go inside
first. Just a minute, friend.
I promised this to another party.
If you take the time to go inside...
...and he comes along,
I'll have to give him the house.
Slicker, let's get it before
the other guy comes. How much?
735 dollars.
- All right, you've got a deal.
Good, good, you got a deal. Oh, keep quiet.
How much?
735 dollars.
Seven, thirty...
Herbie, you pay him.
'Herbie, you pay him.
' Go ahead. Pay the man.
You put your hand in your
pocket, come out with stuff,
but you're afraid to
release it. Release yours.
Now I know what they mean by
separation pay. Go ahead, 735.
735.735.
There you are, that's swell. Thank you.
Here's your lease. Thank you, sir. That's it.
We're all set. Thank you
a lot. Thanks ever so much.
Okay, Joe.
Oh, boy.
This is our house.
It's all ours. Thanks a lot.
Guess we'll enjoy this.
Hey, Slicker.
Where ya goin'?
735 dollars for a broken-down old bus.
What are you kickin' about? I got
the worst of it. I can't drive.
Oh, boy.
That's a pip.
Bill says it'll do better
than 90 miles an hour.
Get inside.
Oh, no, I will not.
Even standing still,
it's going too fast for me.
Hey, fellas, come here a minute. Come on.
While you are at the bank arranging your...
...loans, I'll have the
corporation papers set up.
Why, aren't you coming with us? Not me.
Because of that car,
I owe money all over town.
I think you'd do better without
me. Show these blueprints.
If they know anything about
engines, you're in. Swell.
And here's a scale model.
Here's how she starts.
Ha.
Look, fellas, take good care of it, will ya?
I spent a lot of time on this little baby.
It was taken right from that one over there.
This little baby was
taken from that one? Yep.
Isn't it young to be
taken away from its mother?
Oh, come on, let's get
to the bank. Pick it up.
I'll take good care of it. See ya later, Bill.
Good luck, fellas. Come on.
I beg your pardon. Who do we
see about getting a G.I. loan?
Mr. Quince. Go right in. Thank you.
Hey, Slicker, look.
J.P. Quince, Private.
Serviceman.
How do you do?
How do you do, sir?
When were you discharged?
Discharged? I've been here six years.
Six years and still a private.
This guy's dumber than me. Quiet.
What can I do for you? We're veterans.
We've come for our $4,000 loan.
I'm afraid it isn't as easy as all that.
According to the G.I. Bill
of Rights, it's here on page 10.
You go to the bank. All
you got to do is... I know.
But first we must be convinced of
the soundness of your enterprise.
You are toy makers?
- Toy makers?
Oh, no. This is a model of
the fastest midget racing car.
Have you had experience
with motors? Oh, yes, yes.
You see, overseas we were assigned
to the jeep section of the motor pool.
Driving them?
- Uh-uh, washing them.
Pay no attention to him. Take a look
at these prints. This is Greek to me.
Would you explain the basic
engineering principles of the car?
I'd be delighted.
Let me have these.
According to these, this car will
accelerate to 85 on the straightaways...
...and decelerate to 55 around the turns.
You understand that?
Yes.
You do?
Then explain it to me.
Well, perhaps I'd better have
one of our experts check it.
You don't have to do that. This model
here, I'd like to demonstrate it.
All you got to do, sir,
is go like this. Watch.
See that?
Take it. I don't want it. I don't want it.
Take it. Turn it off. Turn it off.
Oh, dear.
It's a stickup.
Put it down.
Give us the money, we'll leave.
Herbie?
What happened, Herbie?
Herbie.
What happened?
Speak to me.
Speak up, Herbie.
They got me.
They got ya?
They got me. No, don't tell me that, Herbie.
Herbie? Slicker, take care of Evey for me.
Yes, I'll do that. Brace up,
Herbie. You'll be all right.
Herbie?
I'm going.
Don't say that, Herbie. Slicker.
Take it easy.
Oh.
Take it easy, Herbie. Slicker.
Oh, Slicker.
Herbie.
Take it easy, Herbie. Slicker.
I'm goin' fast.
Oh, no, ya don't.
No, you either.
Look at this place. Frightened depositors,
caused a false alarm to be sent...
...and made a shambles out of my office.
Well, say something. What
do you think about the car?
Get out of here. Get
out. Without my G.I. loan?
Absolut... get out. All right.
Come on. I'm sorry. Is that final?
Absolutely final. Get out
of here. Get out. Get out.
I'm gonna give you one
more chance. Get out.
Get out. Okay. Slicker, we
ain't gonna get that loan.
Evey, get down from there.
All right, Aunt Sylvia.
We're all through, Miss Hunter. That's fine.
No one would ever know this
was once a broken-down bus.
I should say not. What
about the bill? Don't worry.
Mr. Smith and Mr. Brown will be back
from the bank any minute. Thank you.
Come on, Herbie,
will ya?
There's no sense walking
the streets all day.
We might as well go home and
break the news to the kid.
I don't think I can do it.
Gee, I wish that I...
G. I... Gee, I got it.
What's the matter? How about
borrowin' the money from the G.I. s?
Hey, that's an inspiration.
I'm glad I thought of that.
Why, those dog faces will be
tickled to death to help little Evey.
Do you think we can get the
money by the big race Saturday?
Yes, if you keep out of my way.
Go over to the bus and relax.
I'll round up the boys,
all of them.
All of them except Collins.
That Slicker's a smart fella.
Why didn't I have brains enough to think
about rounding up the boys from our outfit.
I should have thought of it.
No, not me, I never think.
I'm a big dope.
I'll get a job.
That oughta help Evey.
Maybe I'll be almost as smart as Slicker.
That's what I'll do.
Are you fellows satisfied the
car is everything I said it was?
Sure.
You got us, Slicker.
Here's the dough.
Thanks, fellows.
Bill, this is swell. It's going
to solve everybody's problem.
That calls for a drink.
Drinks are on the house.
Lemonade.
Lemonade?
You didn't expect it to be
made with apricots, did ya?
We'd like somethin' stronger.
I'll squeeze another lemon.
You see? Anything to
accommodate you boys.
We got the dough we got the dough
There's not a son of a gun
can worry us anymo'
Mo'?
It rhymes.
I'm showering.
Must be some of the boys.
Pardon me just a minute.
Uh-oh. It's Collins.
Come on.
It can't be...
not Collins.
It is.
Well, well, well.
My favorite detail.
My, isn't this cozy?
Now, look... All right,
Brown. Where's that kid?
What kid? You know what I'm talking about.
Evey. Evey? She went back to France.
The real estate office reported two
veterans moved in here with a kid.
Herbie's the only young kid around here.
Huh.
He ain't this young.
Give me back my doll. Where is she?
Evey. Evey.
Where's that kid?
Evey, come out wherever
you are. Do ya hear me?
No, you don't. Stand aside.
I'm gonna look in that closet.
You'll be sorry.
Get away from there.
Now, look...
Brown, you'll get 10 years for
obstructing justice for this,
you idiot.
Every knock is a boost in...
forget it.
Pardon me, did that light stay on? Yes.
Thank you.
Why, you.
Not with a child in my
arms. Evey's here someplace.
Herbie Brown, if you don't tell me where
that kid is, I'll break every bone...
You leave my uncle alone. Ahhh.
Come out of there.
Look, Sarge.
You keep out of this. I thought
you said she went back to France.
I didn't know she had a round-trip
ticket. Can't we talk it over?
No. This means a promotion for me.
Come on, you two. All right, take it easy.
Quit stallin'.
Keep goin'..
Maybe we better go out the back
door. There ain't no back door.
Officer, my name's Bill Gregory
and these boys are my partners.
We just raised enough money
to pay for my new racing car.
When I win the Gold Cup Saturday,
we're in the midget car business.
And Evey is here to stay. What can you
lose by waitin' till after the race?
Plenty, the tip from the real
estate office went to headquarters.
So what? Give us another chance.
On account of you, I was
transferred from Times Square...
...to Tenth Avenue and
now from Tenth to here.
I'm sick and tired of havin' the
three of ya hang over my head.
Oh, boy, that's it. Get some water.
Get some water. Give me
a handkerchief, quick.
There's the water.
Who's that?
Roberts, the immigration service.
Uh-oh, get Evey under cover.
Look out. Bill, pull the drapes.
You guys grab furniture.
I'll stall 'em at the door.
Go ahead.
Grab everything.
Hey, what's going on here?
I don't know. Open up.
How do you do? You didn't have to
bring an officer here to evict us.
I'm not here to evict you.
You want to rent the place,
but you can't wait till we move out.
Mr. Roberts doesn't want to rent this
place. He came here expecting a child.
Well,
congratulations.
We came here looking for a party.
Sorry, the party's over.
Pardon me, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
Have you seen a little girl around here? No.
You forgot that. Oh,
that belongs to you all.
To me?
It belongs to me?
Collins.
What are you doing here?
Get up.
Answer me.
What are you doing here? Where am I?
Where are you.
Captain.
Here's the little girl we've been looking fo...
That eviction must have been a gag.
All right, Collins, what's
your alibi this time?
Well, Captain, there was... I know,
there were two peddlers and a girl,
and they got away and I
suppose they took your badge.
Oh, no, sir, here it is. Oh, that's fine.
Now you can give it to me.
Hey, hold it, Mulroney.
Oh, it's you. I was leaving for
home. I got tired waiting for ya.
I got the money now.
Shall we go inside?
You don't have to.
I got the release here.
What about a key? I want to take
the car out before you get here.
That's okay with me, but I don't
know about the cops in there.
Cops? Co... co... police?
They're waiting to grab you
the minute you get near the car.
Hope you can straighten things out, Bill.
If either one of you is Herbie Brown,
sounds like you're
headed for the electric chair.
I'll be seein' ya. Did you hear what he said?
If any one of us is Herbie
Brown, the electric chair.
That's the hot seat.
Wait a minute.
I'm Herbie Brown.
Oh, it's Collins. He's got
two plainclothesmen with him.
Now what can we do?
They've got to sleep sometime.
When they do we'll get that car.
Hey, they're asleep. Good.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Stop.
Be quiet and don't make any noise.
What are you doin' now? Talkin' to myself.
Don't talk so loud. I
gotta hear what I gotta say.
Shh. You guys go inside. I'll
stay here and be a lookout.
Who you gonna look out for? Myself.
Come on.
We'll push the racer onto the trailer
and pull it out with the tow car.
Don't make any noise.
Watch 'em. Make sure they don't wake up.
Okay.
What are you doing?
I'm going to give him a sedative.
Stop it.
But I mean I...
Slicker.
Slicker, Slicker.
Quiet, you wanna wake 'em up?
It's my little hand.
Quiet, quiet.
Let go of my coat.
Let go of my coat.
I ain't wearin' no blue sleeve.
Bill. Bill.
Bill.
Harry, get ahold of these two guys.
Bill. So, I finally caught up with you guys.
On account of you I was
suspended from the force.
You're not a cop anymore? I'll get my
badge back as soon as I turn you in.
If you ain't a policeman, you can't
arrest us. But the captain can.
I'm phoning him now. Why phone the...
...captain when you got
two plainclothesmen?
They ain't plainclothesmen.
What are we waitin' for?
Hey, Bill.
Fore.
A ringer..
Come here.
What's up, doc?
Where are you?
Where are you.
Where are you.
Where are you.
Come here.
Let me brush you off.
Oh, thanks.
You're welcome.
Oh, you.
Where did he go?
Where did he go? That's
what I wanna know.
You.
Where are you? C'mon,
get out. Take it easy.
One.
Two.
Hey, hey, hey.
Get 'em.
All right.
Ed. It's you.
What are you doing in here?
Come here..
Hey, Herbie, Slicker.
Hey, Bill.
Bill.
Ed, follow me when you can.
Follow me when you can.
Stop that car in the name of the law.
Ladies and gentlemen, the next
event is the final qualifying heat...
...for the $20,000 Gold Cup race.
The entries are being
towed for the warm-up.
In minutes, six of the fastest
midget cars in the country...
...will compete for starting
positions in the big race.
Here they come into the turn.
I think they might get the flag.
They're off.
Attaboy.
Come on, Bill.
That's it.
Attaboy, Bill.
Just once more around.
Ah-ha. We win. We win.
We win.
Boy, oh, boy.
We're in. Fellows, it's in
the bag. We're in the chips.
The winner of the final
qualifying heat is Bill Gregory,
in his new Gregory special,
car number 17.
You were wonderful.
Nice work, Bill.
Thanks, fellas. Any
signs of the enemy? No.
If they was,
we wouldn't be here.
I was afraid 15 was gonna catch up, really...
The race is gonna start in a few
minutes. Will ya pull her to the line?
I'll go see if the girls are all right. Okay, Bill.
Turn the wheel left.
Left?
Right. Which way do
you want me to turn it?
To the left... that's right. To the left?
How can the left be right? If I
turn left, that's left. That's right.
You want me to turn to the
left? To the left, right.
How can I turn left if you want me
to go right? The right's that way.
I don't want you to turn right. Turn left.
You want me to turn left? Right.
C'mon. Which way do you want me to turn?
To the left... right. To the left.
That's the same trouble I have
with my feet in the army. C'mon.
Attention,
attention, please.
Will all drivers in the Gold Cup
please return to their cars?
That's my cue.
That's for luck.
Good luck, darling.
How about one from you?
Will you kiss Uncle Herbie
for me? Not if I can avoid it.
Collins, if this is another
wild goose chase, you're through.
Take my word for it. Those
two guys are with Gregory.
Where they are, the kid
is. Uh-oh, there's Gregory.
Will cars 15 and 30,
the Appleby entry, line up?
Attention, Bill Gregory,
please report to your car.
You're holding up the start.
Hey, that's funny, he only went
over to see Sylvia and Evey.
I can't imagine what's
keepin' him. Neither can I.
You wait here. I'll go and
get him. This is serious.
I'm sorry, Sylvia.
All right, Captain.
Let's go.
You better prove it.
Smith.
Smith.
This is one of'em.
Sarge, be reasonable, will ya? Never mind.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're ready for the main event,
the 100-lap Gold Cup race.
Competing for the grand prize will
be the best drivers in the country.
Wait, wait, will ya?
Not me. Hey.
Hey, you. Hey. I'm not
Bill Gregory. Hey, not me.
There's that car goin' out now, number 17.
Seventeen. Hey, Slicker,
who's drivin' my car?
I don't know.
I'll ask Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie can't drive.
He'll be killed.
What's the matter? Has Gregory
gone nuts? That's Herbie.
How do you stop it?
Hey. This, this car don't belong to me.
Clear the infield.
I gotta get...
Get out of the way.
Do it.
Herbie.
Herbie.
Herbie. He's trying to make a getaway.
You wait right here. I'll go
get him. Oh, no, you don't.
We'll all go get him. To your
cars, everybody. You too, watch him.
He ain't gonna get away with killin'
himself. I want that man alive.
Captain, you've no right
to commandeer my car.
I'm William Appleby. I've got
two cars entered in the Gold Cup.
I wanted to see that race.
You're seein' one, aren't ya?
Give me that loudspeaker. Herbie.
Stop showing off.
Get back to the track.
Horses.
Wrong track.
Head him off, Max. He's
gotta catch him first.
If anything happens to Uncle Herbie, I'll die.
Herbie.
Don't he realize he can get a ticket for that.
Herbie?
In there.
Herbie, Herbie, are you
all right? Are you hurt?
How's your head? You're crazy,
you know that, don't you?
Uncle Herbie, are you all
right? I'm all right, honey.
But on account of me
I lost the race and you too.
Young man, the only thing
you lost was the prize money.
This is Mr. Appleby. Of Appleby Motors.
And he's ordered 20 cars and 200 engines.
And that's only a starter.
It's an amazing car.
That's swell.
But what about Evey?
I've seldom seen such affection as
you and this child have for each other.
You mean, I can adopt
Evey? Well, not quite.
But with Mr. And Mrs. Gregory
supplying a home life...
Then I can adopt you and Uncle Slicker.
Yeah. There's one stipulation.
Here it comes. I insist that you get a
job that will keep you away from racing.
Collins.
Yes, sir.
Oh... no.
No.
Aunt Sylvia,
here they come.
I can't see Uncle Herbie. Oh?