Buck Wild (2013) Movie Script

Damn 'coons.
Who's out there?
Daddy! Oh!
Damn it, candy!
How many times
have I got to tell you?
Oh, no.
My tulips.
I'm real sorry, Clyde.
Not as sorry as you're gonna be.
How could you?!
We were in love, daddy!
He was gonna take me
to new Mexico!
Oh, candy,
go get in the damn trailer.
But we were in love!
Yeah. Do it now.
I said now, damn it! Go!
Aah! Ugh!
I hate you!
Yeah, well,
that makes two of us.
Damn it, candy!
Baby girl? Is that you?
Aah! The chupacabra!
Will you please
give this trip a chance?
I promise we're gonna have fun.
All right? Huh?
Just us friends? Huh?
Hunting off the land.
Who are you texting?
Your girlfriend.
She says hi.
So, I hate to be a nag
but would you mind
cracking the window
or just
putting that out altogether?
I just got this shirt back
from the dry cleaners
and I'd like to wear it
more than o-once.
Or do that.
Tom, Jerry's from New York.
Tell him, Jerry.
Yeah, I'm from New York.
Oh, really?
What brings you to Texas, Jerry?
Ah, Jerry's here temporarily.
Just till he gets
some stuff sorted out.
Uh, stuff?
Ah, wh...
what kind of stuff?
Just some stuff
that I should've taken care of
when I had the chance.
Say, wouldn't you
be more comfortable
if we put that big bag
in the back?
It might make it easier
for you to eat those peanuts.
Actually, tom,
I'd be a lot more comfortable
if we put you in the back!
I'm just messin' with you, man!
You're so uptight.
You almost
wet your panties, tom.
But don't you ever
think about touching this bag...
Anyone want a treat?
Geez. Wh... do those
have pot in them, Lance?
Well, geez, mom, does anyone
still use the word "pot?"
I'll take one of them, boss.
Guys, come on. All right?
Look, we have to
go into town first,
and then we have to
go meet Clyde.
- Who the hell is Clyde?
- He...
He owns buck wild ranch.
Well, I'm with you, boss.
And whatever we kill,
I'm doing the skinnin'
'cause I'm good with a knife.
Damn good.
sounds awesome, Craig.
Uh, why do I have to
sit in the back
with Jeffrey dahmer?
Sorry, guys.
He's family, okay?
He doesn't know
anybody out here.
Probably 'cause
he's killed them all.
Stuffed 'em away
in that duffel bag of his.
did you see how he was
keeping watch over that thing?
The guy's straight out of
a scorsese film.
And what's with the peanuts?
It's like he's working
with a new prosthetic.
All right, look,
I know he's a bit intense, okay?
But will you do me a favor
and just give the guy a chance?
Oh, lovely.
I'm not built for this.
Good day, gentlemen.
It's got to be the brownies.
Uh, good day, uh, sir.
Is there a problem?
Yes, actually.
You appear to be parked
at my pump.
Your pump?
Yes, you see,
I'm what the locals around here
refer to as a "badass,"
an outlaw really,
and am therefore
afforded certain liberties.
In this case, I've chosen
this pump as my pump,
hence why I'm asking you
to move your bloody truck.
Hey, Billy ray!
They got one back here hidin'!
You quit that hidin'!
Look, gentlemen,
I can see that
you aren't from around here.
So I'll allow you
to leave with your dignity.
Oh, yeah?
And what if we don't?
Yeah, it's the brownies.
Terribly sorry, gentlemen.
Always losing my keys, you know.
Let's begin again.
Hey. We don't want
any trouble, all right?
Well, it looks like
we got trouble.
This is stupid.
Jerry, we're gonna move.
Or we can stay
and Mr. peanut here and his Dixie
chicks can fill up someplace else.
What we got going on
out here, boys?
Just some harmless
male bravado, shipley.
Looks like a couple bucks
markin' their territory to me.
And it's officer shipley,
Billy ray.
How many times
have I got to tell you?
What's your story, son?
An officer of the Texas parks and
wildlife just addressed you, boy.
Game warden shipley?
Hi. Craig Thompson.
Ah, we were just
getting some gas,
and then we were gonna meet our
guide out at buck wild ranch.
You guys gonna meet Clyde?
That's him.
Shoot. I see.
Well, when you see him,
you ask him if he's
seen any chupacabras lately.
All right, boys, disperse.
And, Billy ray...
I got my eyes on you.
I believe
a "we shall meet again"
is in order.
What's a chupacabra?
I think he said
He said "chupacabra."
It's a legendary cryptid
rumored to inhabit
parts of the americas.
The infamous chupacabra,
or "goat sucker,"
drinks the blood of its victim.
Some say they're just
rabid coyotes with mange.
Others swear they're pure evil.
How the hell
do you know all that?
Ah, I used to hook up with
a Mexican farm girl.
Are you Clyde?
Are you Clyde
with buck wild ranch?
My name is...
Craig Thompson.
So, you are Clyde.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
The game warden back in town...
wanted me to
ask you about a, uh, chupacabra?
Son, are you
trying to be a smartass?
Oh, no, sir.
Did somebody tell you
that buck wild ranch
was taking applications
for smartasses?
No, sir.
Well, then don't talk shit
you don't know shit about.
Yes, sir.
Follow me.
Everything all right there,
Let's get this over with.
All right,
this is your weekend retreat.
I call it "the haven."
Gather 'round and listen up.
I'm only gonna say this once.
Bed's for sleepin'.
Pool table's for poolin'.
TV's for watchin'.
You got four channels total,
five if you fool with
the rabbit ears.
Haven, my ass.
Uh... It's cozy.
That mouth of yours is gonna
take you to a bad end, son.
Psst, hey, come here.
Table for eatin'.
Yeah, after a good cleanin'.
This is the kitchen.
For cookin'?
Say, where'd you come up with that name,
buck wild? I like it.
If you'll look out back,
you'll notice
a barbecue pit for barbecuin',
a seatin' area for seatin',
and a 4-by...
A 4x4.
It's got two tanks of gas...
count 'em, one, two...
and I expect 'em to be full
when you leave.
I don't want nobody
hotdoggin' in her, neither.
Oh, no, sir.
Uh, no...
No hot dogs here.
All right, listen up.
This here's the haven.
This is the road we come in on.
You got one, two, three, four,
five deer blinds
on buck wild ranch.
You can hunt at any of them.
But do not...
...I repeat, do not
cross this fence line
'cause this here's
Billy Ray's place.
And Billy ray is a badass.
Oh, damn it, candy!
We weren't doing nothin'.
Get in the damn truck.
You stay out of my life!
You like candy?
Uh, candy seems very, uh...
You a damn comedian!
The whole lot of you.
Disrespectful punks.
Miserable damn pissants!
Try not to kill each other.
Anyone want a treat?
Hey, baby, what are you up to?
Take your top off. We're going
to the hot tub! Stop!
Who's that? Where are you?
Mike, we're doing it!
Just take your top off!
I can't hear you.
I'm at a party.
Baby, it's 4:30.
Yeah, it sure is, Craig.
Okay, well, uh,
th-that's cool.
Get off the phone!
I have another call coming in.
I hope you and the boys are having
fun on your little camping trip.
Uh, hunting trip.
Uh-huh. Okay.
I got to go.
O-okay. I love you.
Get off the phone, bitch!
Hey, you got a minute?
Sure, buddy. What's up?
Well, uh...
You see, it's...
Hey, you know
what your problem is?
You're worried
about them other guys.
Don't you fret, little buddy.
This is gonna be one hell of a trip.
I mean not as good as
the one I had planned last year
but a close second or third.
Top 5... 10.
You see
th-th-that's not really it.
Um, wh-what I
wanted to say...
There she is! Hold on.
Oh, no, I'm doing just fine.
Oh, no, we'll get you
to the church on time,
don't you worry.
Isn't this great?
So peaceful.
Just us friends, eating meat...
...sharpening knives...
around an open fire.
You know, I know some of you
would've liked to have
gone someplace else,
but, um...
It feels good having
you guys out here with me.
Well, we're glad to be
out here with you, too, buddy.
Even though the drive
was a little inconvenient,
but definitely
a top-10 trip.
We've only taken
five or six trips, Lance.
Shut up, tom.
Hey, guys,
I have a little announcement
I want to make.
Just a sec.
Um, I've been saving up
for quite some time now,
and, uh, well,
come Monday morning...
Oh! Made yourself
a little friend did ya, buddy?
What the hell is that?!
I don't know. I strangled it
over by the trash.
Get that away from me, Lance.
Well, this is...
this is outrageous!
Oh, come on, tom.
Stop being a little queer.
You know what? I think I'm...
I'm just gonna go to bed.
Okay, all right.
I'm sorry, boss.
It was just a joke.
Come on, don't go.
No, I'm a little tired
from the drive.
Sit down!
Drink it!
I'm sorry, boss.
Proceed with
what you were sayin'.
Uh, yeah, okay,
um, before the whole...
Dead animal thing, um,
I was actually gonna
tell you guys
uh, that, well...
I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.
I'm sorry, Jerry.
My bad.
Is that what I think it is?
Yeah, Lance, I...
I'm gonna ask Carla to marry me.
That's beautiful, boss.
Well, congrats, man. Wow.
You guys are just
perfect for each other...
just... just perfect.
Thanks, Lance.
You know you're
the best man right?
Sure thing, partner. Yeah.
Well, uh... Mm.
You know,
I think I'm gonna hit the hay.
Yeah, I'm not much of
a morning person
and I know
we're getting up early, so...
Yeah, no, I-I'll see you guys
in the morning.
Well, all right, buddy.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Tom, is Lance all right?
Yep. Fine.
Look, I don't know
if this is true or not,
but it's really been
killing me lately,
and I-I hate to say this
because what if I'm wrong,
but then again
I think I'm right.
But then again...
I think Lance is
having an affair with Carla.
Oh, boy.
What are you talking about, tom?
Okay, remember...
remember when I came by
a few months ago
to drop those DVDs off...
there were several.
And by the way, "love actually"
is a great movie.
Sorry, um, well...
You weren't home yet,
but... He was.
So? Lance comes over
all the time.
Lance and Carla
are good friends.
that's too far away.
Th-that could be anybody.
That could be anybody.
Really, tom? Huh?
You're gonna come at me
with this garbage?
No, not cool.
Not cool, tom!
I'm sorry, Craig.
Yeah, I...
I'm going to bed.
Did you really
strangle that thing?
Everything all right in here, boss?
Nietzsche once said,
"love is a state in which
a man sees things
most decidedly
as they are not."
What that means
is that women are crazy.
You can't allow them
to twist your reality.
I mean, you've been with this
broad for what, a year?
Maybe two?
Am I right?
Six years actually.
Six years?!
All right, so you've been
with this chick for six years
and she's out
bangin' some other guy,
givin' it to him every night
and then crawling home to you
where you got to
pick up the sloppy seconds.
The worst part about that
is you don't even know
you're getting sloppy seconds.
Man, I tell you,
that's like when somebody
puts a hair in your food
or spits in your iced tea.
All right, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Nothing happened, okay?
I don't want to
talk anymore about it.
Look, I know
you're trying to help,
but... I'm fine.
Hey, Craig,
need anything to help you sleep?
I got a little something
that'll knock you right out.
I'm sure you do, Jerry.
Hey, Craig,
thanks for invitin' me along.
Good night.
Hey. Candy?
Come out.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
Candy, is that you?
What the hell?
Do me, Lance.
Careful now.
Easy now. Easy.
There's plenty of Lance to go around.
Hey, is everything all right?
So, you want to play rough, huh?
Too rough!
Wow. Yeah.
Ooh! Oh.
I-is that blood?
Do me, Lance!
Oh, my God!
A-are you okay?
You look sick.
It's just the sniffles.
Do me, Lance!
Yeah, look,
I should probably just go.
Big day tomorrow.
You know how it goes.
Look, now, uh, I'm no germ freak
but you look like you might be
coming down with something.
M-my health insurance
just lapsed.
Health insurance?
I'm in between jobs
at the moment.
Do me, Lance!
Hey, you know, I think
I've got some cough syrup
back at the...
back at the old cabin.
I'll just...
I'll just go grab you some.
Don't you want a piece of candy?
What are you doing, Jerry?
Could you maybe train
with a pair of pants on, huh?
I wouldn't want Clyde
to come by...
or anyone else, for that matter.
Clothes are too confining, boss.
They interfere with the
spiritual alignment of the body.
I tell you,
if it weren't illegal,
I'd be naked all the time.
Yeah, well it is illegal, okay?
Even way out here.
Almost done here, boss.
How'd you sleep?
Uh, good. Good sleep.
You know...
...I was thinkin' a lot
about last night, you know.
Then I started thinking about how
you've been so good to me lately
and how I'd like to, uh...
Like to do something...
a little something nice for you.
That's all right, Jerry.
Putting on pants is good enough.
No, no, no, no.
We're cousins...
So I was thinking about it.
If you want me to,
I can take care of this for you.
Take care of what, Jerry?
Look, you're a good man.
You're a damn good man.
You deserve respect.
But I can see that you're...
A little sensitive,
a little weak.
But that's okay.
So, if you want me to,
I can take care of this for you.
Look, huntin' accidents
happen all the time, boss.
I can do it real quick.
Lance won't feel a thing.
No! No! Jerry! Jerry!
Jerry, thank you, all right?
Thank you, but it's not
a good idea, all right?
At all. At all.
All right, boss.
Oh, you know,
y-y-you're such a good guy.
Oh, hey, tom!
Jerry, do you mind?
I usually just
go shopping with my cousins.
Yeah, you would, Mary.
Has anyone seen Lance?
He's not inside?
That's weird.
Maybe he went out already.
Let's go, huh?
Deer blinds.
10 minutes.
Put some pants on!
morning to the other side
side waiting to see the
When nature calls, I say hello.
I'll just hold it.
It ain't good to hold it in.
All right, load up!
Is nature calling?
Stop the truck!
Here's good.
We're going to
the deer blinds, Jerry.
I don't like to
sit and hide in a blind
like some rat in a hole,
waiting for the onslaught.
No way.
I choose to
take the fight to them.
Offense, not defense, baby!
You do know
the deer don't have guns, right?
Remember what I told you, Jerry.
I-I-I don't need you to
take care of anything.
What was that about?
Did you call Carla?
Please, tom, whisper.
We're hunting.
Did you call Carla?
No. I texted her.
- She didn't text back.
- Yeah.
She's probably too busy
texting Lance.
Don't be an asshole, tom.
Fine, but I want you to know
I wouldn't lie to you about
something like this, Craig.
I don't think you're lying.
I just... I don't think you
know what you saw, all right?
Lance wouldn't do that,
and neither would Carla.
Oh, no?
Well, Lance is a slut.
And you know what? Before the two of
you started dating, so was Carla.
You take that back, tom!
Why? You know it's true.
And you know I love Carla. She's the only
girl I know who could pull off a perm.
But let's face it.
Before the two of you started
dating she had a reputation.
Craig! No!
Don't be an idiot, tom.
Your cousin has me on edge.
My face is breaking out all over the place.
I'm not built for this.
Are you gonna kill something?
Yes, dumbass.
It's called hunting,
not bird watching.
Just let me know
so I can cover my ears.
And I like birds.
Oh, I know you do, tom.
Look, I'm not trying to
ruin your weekend
or screw up
your relationship with Carla.
But if you're gonna ask her to spend
the rest of her life with you,
I feel you should at least know.
If I'm wrong, then
we can laugh about it later.
But if I'm right,
you're gonna thank me
for helping you avoid one of
the biggest mistakes of...
Oh! Oh! Great.
Now my ears are ringing.
I better not have
permanent hearing damage.
Are deer
supposed to sound like that?
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
What? What is it?
I shot Clyde!
He's alive.
Help me.
Clyde, can you hear me?
Look, I'm so, so sorry, sir.
Tom, help me.
Uh, I don't know.
What's wrong with him?
W-w-what do you mean
what's wrong? He's been shot!
Obviously, Craig! But is
all that supposed to happen?
Gee, tom,
I don't know, all right?
I've never shot anybody
before, okay?!
Well, you don't have to
get snippy!
I just don't know, okay?
I'm scared, all right?!
I'm just scared!
Tom, will you just calm down?
I need you to come over here.
Okay? We need to get him
into the back of the truck.
We're gonna take him
to the hospital, all right?
Oh, he smells like shit.
Lift with the legs, okay?
One, two, three.
We don't tell nobody about this.
Are you out of your mind?!
He is out of his mind!
And I told you that
from the beginning! I said it!
I said this guy
is gonna kill someone!
And now we're fucked
because he's dead!
He's a fucking dead man!
Now he's dead.
Give me that!
Come on.
I'm an accessory to murder!
That's it!
My life is over!
I'm going to jail
and it's fine for him...
he's probably
gonna end up there anyway!
He's still movin'!
How many guns do you have?
Stop it, boss!
Come on, I got to put one in his head!
No! It's enough!
We don't have much time, boss!
Clyde turned.
There will be others.
What the hell?
That's the same deer
I saw in my scope.
Did Clyde do that?
They'll come for us.
Get ready, boys.
It's about to get buck wild.
Everyone get in the truck.
What are we gonna do?
Just get in the truck!
Oh, great.
Maybe he's seen Lance.
Lance is dead, baby.
Everyone shut up!
All right?
I'll handle this.
Good afternoon, officer.
You know,
I heard a bunch of shots
go off a minute ago.
Sounded like
We ain't done nothin.
Sir, we...
sorry about that.
We... we just wanted to
make sure that, uh,
th-that we got him.
Yeah, I love this huntin' thing!
Well, you know,
you only got to put one in 'em,
as long as you
put it in the right spot.
Did you tag 'im?
Tag 'im?
Did you tag 'im?
Did you put a damn tag
in your deer's ear
to make it legal, dipshit?
Oh! Oh, oh, d-did we...
did we tag him
t-to make it legal?
Oh, yeah.
No, no, sure, yeah.
No, we tagged him.
Yeah! Yeah! Tagged him twice
just to be sure.
Tagged it.
We ain't done nothin'.
Kindly step from
your vehicle, gentlemen.
we got a little sayin' out here
goes a little somethin'
like this.
If somethin' stinks,
chances are you're probably
standin' in shit.
And guess what I smell, boys?
Circle gets the fucking square.
I smell shit.
Well, that's probably 'cause
you're standing in it.
Damn it!
Oh, you think
this is funny, huh?
Well, let me see your load!
Wait. Load?
Your damn deer!
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Don't you need, like,
a warrant or something?
Yeah! Yeah!
A search warrant!
I'm not checking for a bag of marijuana
here. I'm checking your load.
Now step aside, son.
O-okay, okay.
Uh, but th-there's
something you should know.
Playtime's over, dipshit.
Let's see what you got
under the tarp.
We ain't done nothin'.
What the hell are you doing?!
Our goose was cooked, boss.
I had no other choice.
You killed him?!
He killed him, Craig!
Easy, twinkle toes. He's just
gonna take a little siesta.
What happens
when he wakes up, Jerry, huh?
Have you thought of that?
Did you fucking think of that?!
We'll be long gone by then,
or dead.
Just help me with his feet. Come on,
we got to get him back in his truck.
Do it yourself.
Where's the body?
I told you.
You got to destroy the brain.
Hey there, heartbreaker.
I can't
come to the phone right now.
I'm on
some bullshit camping trip.
But go ahead and leave a message
and I just might get back to you.
Lance, where the hell
are you, man, huh?
I need you to come back to
the lodge, okay? Like, asap!
We're in a lot of trouble.
I'll explain later...
at least, I think I can.
It's kind of weird.
I need you to come back
to the lodge, all right?
And also...
...I need to
ask you something.
Okay, it's something I heard.
I don't even think
you'd do something like this.
I don't even know
how to ask, but, uh...
Are you...
are you sleeping with Carla?
To erase and re-record, press "3."
Shit. To continue recording
where you left off, press "4."
At the tone, please...
Lance, uh, it's Craig.
Come back to the lodge asap.
Thank you.
Are you sure
you don't want to go with us?
And become an accessory
to any more murders?
No. I think
I'm fine on my own. Thanks.
All right, just meet us
back here in an hour.
And call us if you find him.
Thanks again
for the awesome weekend, Craig.
Top 10 for sure.
Damn it!
Whatcha see, boss?
Come on.
All right, wait here.
And put that away!
Are you sure, boss?
Are you here, buddy?
Aah! Holy shit!
Sorry, boss.
I thought I told you to wait in the truck.
I couldn't let you go in alone.
I found Lance's jacket outside.
Do you have a light?
Where did you get...
never mind.
I think we found your friend.
Lance, is that you, buddy?
What's wrong with him?
It kind of looks like
the guy you shot, huh, boss?
Wait. What do you...
what do you mean the guy I shot?
The old-timer... Clyde. No, I know
what you're talking about, all right,
and I accidentally
shot him, okay?
You're the one that
turned him into Swiss cheese!
I had to.
He was a zombie.
And he'd be dead right now if you
let me put one into his head.
Isn't any of this starting to
click with you, boss?
I mean, look at him.
That's no good.
Still convinced
he ain't a zombie, boss?
Th-that's just stupid, all right?!
I mean, h-he's just sick.
You know the bug
that's going around.
Clyde probably gave it to him. Bug?
Oh, yeah, yeah, these are
definitely flu-like symptoms.
Look at him!
You want me to prove it to you?
No! No!
All right, then what do you
want to do with him, huh?
Take him to dinner?
Look at him!
We're gonna take him into town
to a hospital.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
We'll take the zombie
to the hospital,
and then he'll be back boning
your girlfriend in no time!
Be sure to tag 'im.
God, I really hate you.
Did you remember to
read him a bedtime story?
Don't you dare shoot him, Jerry.
I'll do what needs doin'
when the time comes.
That's the difference
between the two of us.
I can't believe
what you did last night.
I wouldn't tell anybody
if it was me.
Okay, guys.
You all be quiet.
You need to keep
those cucumbers to yourself.
You have to learn
how to put this stuff on.
Is that you?
Hey, Clyde.
Seen any chupacabras lately?
Tom, are you here?
We found Lance!
All right,
where do you want him?
Ah, shit.
All right.
Christ on a bike.
All right. Okay.
This is pathetic.
What, Jerry? Huh?
That I help my friends out?
Look, I don't know how they
do it on the east coast, okay,
but down here we don't shoot our
friends when they get inconvenient.
This isn't "the godfather!"
You're goddamn right this ain't
'cause Michael corleone would do
what he had to do, all right?
He killed his own brother
for the good of the family,
for God's sake!
Oh, yeah, and he
was wracked with guilt
for the third film, all right,
and never the same!
It was a despicable thing to do!
I will not have you
talking about Michael this way
and the difficult decisions
that he had to make, all right?
He was a man!
A man!
He was a character
in a fucking movie!
It's not just a fucking movie!
It's a goddamn epic trilogy!
Yes, with one of the worst
endings in cinema history,
all right?
Andy Garcia?
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Take it back!
Take it back!
Ha ha!
Take it back!
Yeah! Take it back!
Never! Never!
Take it back!
No! Never!
Get off me!
Get off me!
It could be tom.
It could be tom.
To... aah!
It's tom.
Tom, we found Lance!
where are you?
T-tom, I can't hear you.
Tom? To...
Where are you going?
To find your faggoty friend.
He may still be alive.
If I were you, I'd shoot
the zombie in the bathroom.
Michael corleone
would've done it in the barn.
Damn it.
Hold on a minute.
On hold, lemon pie.
Holy hell.
Can I get you anything else,
Y'all want smoking or non?
Oh, we have a trespasser.
All right, Billy ray.
Let's see how badass you are.
Hi, this is Billy ray and the
boys, and we're going hunting!
Fuckin' huntin'!
Fuckin' huntin'!
Fucking hunting!
Glad you could join us today.
We got a special episode for you
as we will show you
how to track and hunt
the ever-elusive
Texas panther.
- Damn it.
- Fuckin' huntin'!
Alone outside in these parts...
totally badass.
The Texas panther is like the...
the me.
And that's why
I'm going to kill one.
Fuckin' huntin'!
Can I get you anything?
You want...
you want a ginger ale?
From newscenter 25,
we interrupt your
regularly scheduled program
to bring you
this late breaking news.
According to various sources
throughout the South Texas region,
there have been numerous
reports of a massive outbreak
of what appears to be a peculiar
strain of the flu virus.
Over 150 cases
have already been reported
within the last half-hour
Symptoms include
discoloration of the skin,
bleeding from
the eyes, nose, and mouth,
loss of motor skills,
and violent acts of aggression
towards loved ones, friends,
and church-goers.
Now back to your
regularly scheduled program,
"Billy ray and friends."
I said how about you draw then?
Oh, shit.
Listen to me.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Come on, buddy!
It's me!
Don't make me do it!
I'm so sorry, man.
Oh, that looks bad.
Knock you right out.
All right, murph.
Stand him up, please.
Now, let's try this again.
What were you doing
on my property?
I told you, I didn't know
I was on your property.
Everything out here
looks the same!
Do I look like a fool to you?
He's lyin', Billy ray.
Really, murph?
H-he's lying?
He just said
he didn't think I was a fool.
I'll let you think on that one.
I'm sorry for trespassing.
I promise, I had no idea!
Please, just let me go.
Or at least let me put some pants on.
The floor is cold.
I'm afraid
it's just not that easy.
You see, I'm what the locals
around here refer to as a badass.
Now, if I just
allowed you to leave
suffering the consequences,
well, that might
soil a reputation
I've worked so tirelessly
to maintain.
You understand?
So, that's a no
to the pants then?
Hey! Let's give 'em
a spankin'!
What?! No!
Oh, yeah, you like that?!
Hey, hillbillies.
Spank this.
So we do meet again.
Hello. You've reached
Thomas Alexander III.
I will be participating in
the barbaric ritual
of hunting this weekend,
but if you leave me a message,
someone will
get back to you shortly.
Oh, God.
Tom! It's Craig, all right?
Where the hell are you?
Okay, we found Lance.
All right, he's sick...
okay, very sick.
Jerry's out looking for you.
I'm don't know
if that's such a good idea.
I just... I need you to give me
a call back asap, all right?
And change your voicemail.
"Someone will be
getting back to you?"
I mean, that just sounds gay.
I mean, it's stupid.
To hell with it.
It's gay, okay?
And that's okay because
if you're gay, then I'm cool,
so just come out with it,
you know?
I mean, t-that is
if you're gay, that is.
To erase and re-record, press "3."
Damn it! To continue recording
where you left off, press "4."
Message erased.
Tom, it's Craig. Please
come back to the lodge asap.
We've found Lance.
Lance, buddy?
Look, that's too much.
...Also, if you want to
kill yourself.
If this sounds like
your life story,
have I got
the perfect product for you.
It's the
studabaker acculevel 2000.
It's perfect for straightening
pictures and nooses.
The studabaker acculevel 2000
will help you kill
two birds with one stone.
The only thing worse than
a picture that won't hang right
is a noose
that won't hang you right.
Am I right?
So avoid the embarrassment
of crooked pictures
and failed suicide attempts.
Sir, I know you're upset,
but I'm asking you...
no, I'm begging you,
may I please
have a pair of pants?
receive no such luxuries.
Then why does he
get to wear his pants?
Why am I the only one
who's naked?
Would you prefer
if we were all naked, tom?
No, Jerry!
How dare you invade the sanctity
of my gentlemen's club?!
I am a badass!
Oh, from where I'm sitting,
it looks like
you just want
some ass... Bad.
How dare you speak so to me?!
You will learn humility.
You're never gonna
get away with this, boss.
Sheriff o'Connor,
how are you this evening?
So you see, we've already
gotten away with it.
And as long as that bloody
game warden keeps his distance,
we will continue
getting away with it.
But he always manages to
ruin all my fun.
I really wonder where he is right now.
You know, it's unlike him not to drop by.
You do realize that
you probably have
an entire army of undead
headed this way?
My thoughts exactly.
Wiggle my bean at this!
One at a time, boys.
this is a gentlemen's club.
Is she...
What are you doing?
Getting us out of here.
Unless you want to be part of the
buffet that's about to begin.
There we go.
My pants!
There we go.
What are you doing?!
If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna
do it in a pair of pants.
Untie me first!
They's free!
Damn skinny jeans!
About time, buttercup.
Shut up, goombah.
Eat shit, sparkle fairy!
Dale! Move!
That's it. There we go.
Come on. That's it.
Ooh. Not such a badass now,
are you, Billy ray?
Whoo! Ha ha!
Yeah! Ha ha!
Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Whoo! Oh, man.
Oh, come on, buck up, buttercup.
Hey, uh, I think there's
some trash bags in the back seat
if you, uh, get a little chilly.
Oh, and don't worry.
I, uh, I won't tell anybody
about the ass raping.
Ass raping?
There wasn't
any fucking ass raping!
I was ridden around like a pony
and spanked.
That's it!
Whatever you say, boss.
Oh. Whoa.
Hey, bastard came out of
You're really
enjoying yourself, aren't you?
Eh, well, yeah.
Looks like we got to make
a little pit stop.
To catch a Texas panther,
you're gonna need
a panther of your own.
Where the hell are you guys?
What's going on?
Hey, well, uh, yeah,
kind of a tough one.
Say, how are things
where you are?
What do you mean?
I mean, uh,
are people trying to
bite each other?
Bite each other?
trying to maim or kill really.
What are you talking about, Craig?
Never mind.
...no fucking panthers.
You're at
another party again, huh?
Do not start with me.
Yes, I'm at another party.
Look, your text message said you had
to talk about something important.
Was that biting thing it?
Oh, no.
Look, I need to
ask you something, all right?
It's something that I heard about you...
...and Lance.
Uh, look, Craig,
I-I-I can't really hear you.
I can't talk right now.
We're gonna talk later, okay? Bye.
Are you sleeping with Lance?
Fuck that!
It was him!
I came here to hunt!
Are you sleeping with Carla?
I know. I know.
Crazy, right?
It's just that tom said
he saw you with Carla,
and the way you acted
when I showed you the ring...
I don't know.
I just get the feeling
that Carla's not happy.
Maybe I'm just insecure.
Lie back, Craig.
On the couch.
Get comfortable.
You said something intriguing
just now, Craig.
I did?
Yes, Craig, you did.
You said
you were feeling insecure.
Well, yeah.
I mean, I guess so.
I just get the feeling
I'm not good enough.
Were you breast-fed, Craig?
Did your mother
breast-feed you?
Lance, you're acting weird.
answer the question! No.
Well, studies have shown that
when a child, specifically
a male, is not breast-fed,
they oftentimes
lose their sense of security,
which usually translates into
a dissociation
with the opposite sex.
Insecurity, Craig.
All right, Lance,
you're acting weird.
Craig, it's my belief that
Carla's not the issue,
or some nasty rumor.
It's your mother, Craig.
My mother?
Yes, Craig! Your mother!
- I'm not so sure about...
- Think about it.
Carla loves you.
She'd never betray your trust.
It's been five years.
Six years.
Six years.
Now, these feelings,
these insecurities
you're experiencing
are a direct result of the
essential motherly attention
that you were deprived of
as an infant.
Maybe you're right.
My mother never cut off the crust
off on my peanut butter sandwiches,
and she knew
I liked them that way.
Thanks for talking, Lance.
Any time, buddy boy.
You're seriously
gonna do this right now?
Hey, when nature calls,
I say hello.
Just hold it!
Eh, ain't good
to keep it inside.
Back in a jiff.
I'm wearing a trash bag,
for Christ's sake.
You look good in black.
Oh. Well, thank you.
What the hell?!
You're not a zombie?
What are you talkin' about, boy?
I'm so sorry, it was just
weird the way you were
standing there
just staring at me like that.
You're wearin' a garbage-bag
dress and I'm the weirdo?
Way to stereotype,
What? No.
And it's not a dress...
more like a robe or a wrap.
I didn't mean it that way.
Jerry! Aah!
Aah! Die!
Aah! Aah!
I just killed a priest, man.
You sure did.
With a crucifix no less.
That's kind of poetic.
Hey, you all right, boss?
He didn't try to rape you
or anything, did he?
No, Jerry.
All right, it's just...
Well, you're naked again,
and being a priest and all,
I thought maybe...
thank you
for pointing that out, Jerry.
No problem, boss.
Good work.
Aw, damn it!
You locked the keys
in the truck!
Hello. I'm Isaac white.
And if you're watching this,
you're color-blind.
This video was made
for people like you and me
who can't tell the difference
between these two cards.
You probably have a lot of
questions about your condition.
Why can't I see color?
Is this a compromise?
Am I more susceptible to
sexually transmitted diseases?
Bravo, boss.
It was an accident.
I didn't mean to do it.
Why are you naked, tom?
Great trip, Craig.
I killed him.
I killed my best friend.
Not yet.
You got to destroy the brain.
Here, take my shotgun.
Get that away from me!
It was an accident.
Well, look at it this way.
At least you got your
girlfriend's vagina back, huh?
He didn't do that!
He told me so!
You will be missed, my friend.
What the hell?
It's Carla's number.
Hey, so, I got a really weird
call from Craig earlier.
I think he might be on to us.
Has he said anything to you?
Oh, maybe I'm just
being a little paranoid.
He's such a weirdo.
Anyway, I can't wait
for you to come back.
Mama's been a bad girl
and needs a spanking!
My mother is a lovely woman!
I think he's dead, boss.
Damn cellphones.
What the hell's
going on out here?
Retribution, baby.
Craig had to
go a little buck wild.
Carla, huh?
Let's get the hell out of here.
That's a good idea, boss.
Once more unto the breach,
dear friends.
Bill Shakespeare.
I didn't know they could drive.
It doesn't look like they've
completely gotten the hang of it.
Get to the truck.
What the hell?!
What is it?
We're out of gas.
We just had a full tank
this morning.
We were just at
a gas station, Jerry.
You didn't think to fill up?
You were at a gas station?
I forgot to
look at the gas gauge.
I'm... I'm sorry, boss.
I'm sorry, boss!
I'm sorry, boss!
How can you
not look at the gas gauge?!
It's right beside
the speedometer!
'Cause I never
look at the speedometer.
I'm gonna kill you!
All right! All right!
Tom! Tom!
Hey, look! Stop!
Stop! Just stop!
We're just gonna have to
make a stand
here at the ranch house.
Remember the alamo?
Everyone was slaughtered
at the alamo, Craig.
That's not the point, tom,
all right?
This is where we fight.
This is where they die!
"300"? The movie?
Nice turtleneck, tom.
Fuck off, Craig.
What if we just
hold out until morning?
They can't be
exposed to sunlight, right?
Those aren't vampires, tom.
They're gonna be out there
until we put a bullet
into every one
of their pretty little heads.
Well, we're screwed.
How much ammo do we have, Jerry?
Oh, I got your ammo.
Gentlemen, choose your weapons.
Wow. There are
all sorts of felonies in there.
Good work, Jerry.
This place
isn't gonna hold much longer.
I know. I wish we could
get that damn truck to start.
I'm sorry about that, boss.
W-wait. Wait a sec.
Aren't there a couple of
gas cans out back for the 4x4?
Remember? Clyde said
"one, two, count 'em."
Hey! That's right!
There are!
If we could
get that gas into Craig's truck,
we could
get the hell out of here!
That's beautiful, baby.
That's fucking beautiful!
I love you, tom!
I fucking love you!
Okay, calm down.
All right, it's gonna be tough.
They're everywhere.
But if it's the only way...
...it's time to
get buck wild.
Buck wild, baby.
Buck wild.
Buck wild!
Oh, God of war,
we pray to you in this,
our darkest hour.
Three mortal men melded
together by the flames of war.
Brought together,
we band of brothers
to keep at bay the evil
that has fallen upon us.
For we entered this place
as boys,
but tonight
we will leave here as men.
Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
thy will be done...
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day
our daily bread,
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those
who trespassed against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power,
and the glory forever and ever.
Play ball.
So, who's going out there?
I'll go.
No, no, no.
I'll go.
The gas thing was my fault.
Don't you want a gun?
Nah. I got to improve
my blade skills.
swords don't run out of bullets.
You ready?
That's a little over the top,
don't you think?
He made it!
They're coming in!
Stay here.
Use the shotgun.
Let Jerry back in,
but keep them out.
We need that gas.
Uh, really quickly...
How many bullets do I have
and where is the safety
on this thing?
I know you can do this, tom.
Hold them off.
Shit balls.
Come on! Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on!
Yeah, baby!
Oh, shit.
Come on, open the door!
Ride me!
Ride me like a pony!
I'm coming for you, boss!
Is that a fish?
I found it in the freezer.
Well, you're definitely
getting the award
for best kill and most improved.
Thanks, Jerry.
Aah! What took you guys
so long?
Tom had to play
a little game of "go fish."
Never mind. Bad joke.
We got the gas.
Only one tank though...
I got blind-sided.
That should be good enough.
We got to
make a break for the truck.
I got this.
Tom! Tom,
help me with the door!
This is it!
This is it, Craig!
I got you!
I got you, buddy!
What the hell, man?!
I'm sorry, boss!
My aim is all off tonight.
I can usually make those.
Can you ever forgive me?
That's perfectly all right,
I accepted that you were
probably gonna kill me.
Great trip, Craig.
Top 10...For sure.
Is he dead?!
Nah, it's just a flesh wound.
Probably just passed out.
My turtleneck!
Now he's dead.
Only the dead have seen
the end of war, boss.
That's Plato.
Thanks, Jerry.
I spilled most of the gas, boss!
That's all right.
I guess this is it!
Goodbye, buddy!
See you on the other side,
All right, assholes!
Come out with your hands up.
It's time to pay the Piper.
That's our ride!
Let's get out of here!
Get your asses out here now!
What the hell?
This is for tom.
Shots fired! We got shots fired
at buck wild ranch!
Damn it, Shirley!
Come on in!
Craig! Duck!
Suck on that,
you British hillbilly banana!
Eh? Eh?
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
This is it!
What in the holy hell
is going on here?
You two fags get out of the truck
right now! You're under arrest!
We didn't do nothin'!
Please, sir, we'll explain later.
We got to go now!
I'm calling the shots!
I'm calling the shots!
We didn't do nothin'!
Please, sir, we got to go now!
Get out!
He's got the keys!
We're not gettin' them back,
You know how to do that?
I'm from New York.
Don't leave me.
I'm sorry.
Here we go!
Hey, man, I, uh...
I want to apologize for
telling you that I hated you
Ah. Water under
the bridge, boss.
Thanks again
for inviting me along.
Top-10 trip.
And, uh, for the record,
I do like
"the godfather" trilogy.
Thanks a lot, man.
That really means a lot, man.
What the hell was that?
It's a buck.
It's a good, clean kill, too.
Sure would be a shame
to waste him.
Make sure you tag 'im.
Hey, Jerry?
Yeah, boss?
W-w-what did...
what did you do anyway in...
in New York?
Uh, just had a handful
of unpaid parking tickets.
And I might've
killed this guy, too, though.
But it was an accident.
It was a misunderstanding,
I'm just messin' with you, boss!
I'm packing it up
I'll take this ride again
I'll tow the line
between loving and caring
what do I do
but feed the fire within?
hoping the lord
will understand
By the dark of the moon
on a hot June night
I'll take my baby
stepping out tonight
I think I see her
walking hand in hand
I think my baby
oh, got another man
well, now, things like that
keep me so upset
the more I see,
the meaner I get
I don't think
she knows how I feel
she made me taste that
hard, cold steel
that hard, cold steel
laying in my hand
hard, cold steel
make you understand
hard, cold steel
gets her every time
so don't be messing with
that woman of mine
that hard, cold steel
hard, cold steel
that hard, cold steel
hard, cold steel
I am a jealous man,
please understand
I can smell
the presence of another man
feeling keeps coming,
and it feels so real
you made me taste that
hard, cold steel
that hard, cold steel
laying in my hand
hard, cold steel
make you understand
hard, cold steel
gets them every time
so don't be messing with
that woman of mine
that hard, cold steel
hard, cold steel