Buddy Solitaire (2016) Movie Script
YOUR LAST AC OF THE EVENING,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
ONE MORE TIME FOR ALL
YOUR COMICS TONIGHT, HUH?
ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD.
I LOVE IT.
EXCITED TO BE HERE.
IT'S MIDNIGH ON A TUESDAY,
SO ALL OF US
ARE BIG WINNERS, HUH?
SO I'M FROM KANSAS,
WHERE WE HAVE A SPECIAL NAME
FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL
WHO'S FASTER
THAN HER BROTHERS--
A VIRGIN.
OKAY. OKAY.
NOT MUCH OF A THINKING CROWD
TONIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
-OH, I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU EXPECTING
AN IMPORTANT CALL?
WHY DON'T YOU JUS GET OFF THE STAGE?
WHY DON'T YOU GET BACK
TO YOUR PHONE CALL?
FUCK YOU.
GREAT.
RIGHT HERE, IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE?
YOU WANT ME TO JUS FUCK YOU ON THIS STAGE?
THAT'LL BE FUN
FOR NOBODY TO WATCH.
THAT'S MY TIME.
HEY DUDE, LISTEN TO THIS JOKE
I GOT YESTERDAY, OKAY?
REALLY?
-NOW COME ON,
JUST ONE JOKE.
-ONE.
-ALL RIGHT,
HERE WE GO.
SO, IN HISTORY CLASS
THEY ASKED US,
"WHAT'S INDIA'S CONTRIBUTION
TO THE MODERN WORLD?"
I SAID, "TECH SUPPORT."
-OKAY, SO, YOU'RE
IN HISTORY CLASS,
YOU'RE A 25-YEAR-OLD.
WHY ARE YOU STILL
IN HISTORY CLASS?
DUDE, IT'S THE JOKE, OKAY?
IT'S A 40-WORD JOKE.
-I GET IT.
THE PUNCH LINE'S
GOTTA COME FASTER.
-IT'S TWO SENTENCES!
-GET THERE FASTER.
OKAY, BROWN MAN LISTEN.
BROWN MAN GRAB HIS IPAD.
HEY, DO YOU ACTUALLY
DO TECH SUPPORT?
'CAUSE I HAVE A VIRUS
ON MY COMPUTER.
TOO MUCH PORN, AND BROWN MAN
SAYS "FUCK YOU."
-OH, NICE.
-MM-HMM.
I DO LIKE HOW YOU USE
THAT INDIAN THING, THOUGH.
KEEP DOING THAT.
MAKE IT YOUR OWN.
MY GURU HAS SPOKEN.
WE'RE DOING YOGA TODAY.
YOU KNOW I DON' UNDERSTAND CHINESE.
COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING
EITHER ONE OF US.
MISS LIAO--
MAN, GET OFF THE STAGE.
THANK YOU, I WILL,
WHEN I'M DONE.
YOU SUCK.
-I APPRECIATE THAT.
JUST TELL SOME JOKES!
GREAT, YES,
MORE PLEASE, PLEASE.
GET OFF STAGE!
-I WILL, I GOT THREE MINUTES,
SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA WAIT,
AND I'LL JUST DO THIS.
THIS HOW WE'RE GONNA
SPEND YOUR TIME, GUYS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CELEBRATING AFTER
ANOTHER GREAT SHOW.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?
NO.
I'M FINE.
OKAY.
PHEW.
-GOOD MORNING.
-HI.
HEY, THANKS FOR STOPPING ME
BEFORE I RUINED
THE OL' MONEYMAKER.
SURE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND
A LITTLE LESS TIME
WITH HANNA.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
IT'S JUS HER WHOLE ENERGY.
MAYBE IT'S
RUBBING OFF ON YOU.
WE'RE TALKING ENERGY NOW.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO GRAB YOUR TAROT CARDS?
WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT I IF YOU DON'T WANT.
SORRY.
JUST, I'M NOT SURE I CAN TAKE
ANOTHER BAD SHOW.
AND I KNOW MY FACE CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU LOVE COMEDY.
RIGHT,
IT'S IN MY BLOOD.
HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, IRWIN SCHWARTZ
IS UP THERE.
I'M GONNA DO A SET WITH HIM.
WE GO WAY BACK.
UH-HUH.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO
PAY JULIE AT THE DOOR
FOR YOUR TICKET, YEAH?
DO YOU KNOW
WHO I AM?
I DO, HANNA,
BUT IT'S NOT 1983 ANYMORE,
SO JUST GO PAY
FOR YOUR TICKET.
YOU DO NOT TALK
TO ME LIKE THAT.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE PRICK?
OKAY, NAME CALLING.
-WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO--
-DO NOT TOUCH ME.
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
-I AM A LEGEND.
-OKAY, OKAY.
-I AM A FUCKING LEGEND!
-WE HAVE A LEGEND
WHO'S CRAZY.
COME ON,
EXIT STAGE RIGHT, LEGEND.
HERE WE GO.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
HERE WE GO.
THERE'S THE DOOR.
HERE WE GO.
OW, THAT'S NICE.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
BYE-BYE NOW.
BYE-BYE.
WHOO!
SHIT.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THIS MORNING.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I LEFT MY ANXIETY PILLS
AT YOUR PLACE.
OH, YOU DON'T NEED
THAT STUFF.
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THEM
FOREVER, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW! I KNOW.
I SEE 'EM.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER,
ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M COMING.
-HEY, MA.
-HI.
I HEAR YOUR LETTERMAN SET.
[FAINT TV AUDIO
PLAYING]
-YOU HAD NO FEAR.
-HA!
YOU WOULD BE KILLING I IF YOU WENT UP TODAY.
THEY DON'T FUCKING
DESERVE ME.
SLOW DOWN WITH
THESE, ALL RIGHT?
THEY GIVE YOU CANCER.
I'LL EAT CANCER.
HEY, I GOT THIS JOKE
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
IT'S THIS PUN THING
THAT IS GOING TO KILL--
I WAS DONE WITH PUNS
WHEN REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.
-HEY, GIVE IT BACK.
-NO.
AW, DID I HUR LITTLE BUDDY'S FEELINGS?
HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
LOOK, MOM, I JUST COULD USE
SOME HELP WITH MY SET.
WELL, I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT UP.
THANK YOU.
MAYBE I WILL.
THEN YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME
TO SPEND WITH YOUR MOTHER.
-I HAVE TO GO
PICK UP VANESSA.
-VANESSA'S A CUNT!
-OH, GOD DAMN IT, MOM.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO
TALK LIKE THAT?
YOU WANT ME
TO KILL MYSELF?
-NO.
-I WILL SHOOT MY
FUCKING BRAINS OU AND YOU CAN
JUST RUN AWAY WITH
YOUR LITTLE MEXICAN BITCH
AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
I JUST HAVE TO GO.
FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I HAD MY KNIVES AND SPOONS
JUST LIKE I WANTED I YESTERDAY.
SOMEBODY MOVED THEM.
WE'LL GET THEM RIGHT BACK
TO WHERE THEY WERE, OKAY?
YOU NEED TO
DO IT RIGHT NOW.
-YEAH, DO IT RIGHT NOW.
-ZOE. THAT'S NOT NICE.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME
AND NOT AT MISS LIAO?
NO, I NEED IT THE RIGHT WAY
FOR MY CHICKEN SALAD.
-OH, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
-NO, I NEED TO GO
TO THE KITCHEN.
'CAUSE I NEED ANOTHER
ONE OF THESE.
OLIVER, I NEED YOU
TO SIT DOWN.
NO, BUT SEE, HOW I HAVE I IS IT GOES
CHICKEN SALAD, CHICKEN SALAD,
CHICKEN SALAD--
WOW, YOU MUST BE
REALLY HUNGRY.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ME
MY CHICKEN SALAD EITHER?
NO, I'M SORRY, ANOTHER
WAITER HAS YOUR SECTION.
-I WAS AT MY MOM'S.
HEY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I HAVE TO GO TO
THE BATHROOM.
-YEAH.
CAN'T BE ANY WORSE
THAN MY IRVINE AUDIENCE.
HEY YOU, YOU NEW
TO MAPLE HILLS?
UH, NO, NO.
I COULD BE.
I'M AN INSOMNIAC,
HYPOCHONDRIAC,
-HUGE MEGALOMANIAC.
SERIOUSLY.
OH. I'M VANESSA'S
BOYFRIEND, BUDDY.
-ARE YOU A
SOCIAL WORKER?
-NO.
NO, BUT THANK YOU
FOR THINKING I COULD BE.
I'M A COMEDIAN, GUYS.
I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.
TRY THE SHRIMP.
WE HAVE SHRIMP HERE?
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE MENU IS.
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT NICE
TO MAKE FUN OF US.
YEAH, LOOK, I'M NO MAKING FUN OF YOU GUYS.
I GET WHAT IT'S LIKE
BEING HERE, THOUGH.
SOCIAL WORKERS, SHRINKS.
EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE
CRAZY, RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE BEING
AT HOME WITH YOUR MOM,
EXCEPT SHE PROBABLY
DOESN'T MAKE YOU KISS HER.
KIDDING.
YOU GOT A VERY
MAD CAT AT HOME?
I'M SORRY, DOES ONE OF YOU
TRANSLATE FOR HER?
ALL I GOT WAS
"IS SOME"
OKAY, TOO MUCH!
ALL RIGHT, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.
I WANT MY CHICKEN SALAD!
MAN, THAT IS YOUR FOURTH
CHICKEN SALAD.
DO YOU REALLY
EAT THAT MUCH?
HEY, I'M BACK.
SO AM I.
WHAT WAS THAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN,
HE'S JUST SOME JERK.
CHICKEN SALAD...
VANESSA'S CLASS IS GOING
TO BE MY NEW SPARK.
WRITING ABOUT THESE WEIRDOS
IS GOING TO GET ME
INTO THE JUBILEE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT JOKE
I GAVE YOU,
THE ONE ABOU MY COUSIN PATEL?
-THAT WAS SOME BAD SHIT.
-YEAH, THAT WAS
SOME BAD SHIT.
-HEY.
-LOOK, IF I WIN
THE JUBILEE,
THAT'S GONNA TURN
EVERYTHING AROUND.
AND STEPHAN MARTIN
IS RUNNING IT THIS YEAR.
THAT FREAK WOULD LOVE
A SHOW ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
YEAH, YEAH!
I MEAN ,LOOK, COMEDY IS
HALF INSANE ANYWAY, RIGHT?
-LOOK AT US TWO ASSHOLES.
-I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE.
YOU ARE
KIND OF AN ASSHOLE.
LOOK, IT JUS SEEMS LIKE A LOT,
OKAY, FOR SOME NEW JOKES?
LOOK, I GOTTA TRY SOMETHING
DIFFERENT, OKAY?
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 15 YEARS.
SOMETHIN'S GOTTA CHANGE.
SIR!
SIR, EXCUSE ME.
HI, YES.
YES, YOU, SIR. YEAH.
HI. IS THIS THE PLACE
THAT STEPHAN MARTIN
DOES HIS HIPPIE-DIPPY
BULLSHIT?
BY "HIPPIE-DIPPY
BULLSHIT," YOU MEAN
MEDITATION?
-YEAH, I THINK SO.
I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
CAN YOU TELL STEPHAN
THAT BUDDY'S GO A BRAND NEW BAG, OKAY?
LIKE JAMES BROWN?
BUDDY GOT A BRAND
NEW BAG, WHA-AA!
NO, IT'S NOT A GREA IMPRESSION
AND YOU CLEARLY
AREN'T A MUSIC FAN.
-I LIKE CHANTING.
-AWESOME.
TELL STEPHAN
IT'S CALLED "THE CRAZY SHOW"
AND THAT IT TOTALLY KICKS ASS,
YOU GOT THAT?
I'LL MAKE SURE
TO LET HIM KNOW.
OKAY.
DON'T FORGET, BALDY.
PSST.
AMAZING PAJAMAS.
IT IS NICE.
I LOVE NATURE.
NO, YOU DON'T.
THAT'S TRUE.
ACTUALLY, I THINK
IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS.
HEY...
WHOA.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
-YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
ACTUALLY I FOUND
A FLOWER OVER THERE.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW
MAPLE HILL IS LOOKING
FOR THAT NEW AFTERNOON
ACTIVITIES INSTRUCTOR?
-I'M YOUR GUY.
YES. I'M GONNA
TEACH 'EM STAND-UP
AND SKETCH, IMPROV.
LOOK, I REALLY LIKED
THAT GROUP YESTERDAY.
ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME PEOPLE?
YEAH.
WELL, THEY'RE...
CHARMING.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S JUS AFTERNOON WORKSHOPS,
BUT THESE PEOPLE
HAVE REAL PROBLEMS.
I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S
A COUNSELING CENTER,
NOT A PSYCH WARD,
BUT THEY NEED
A SPECIALIST.
I'M AS SPECIAL
AS THEY COME.
WE ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE.
MR. RICKLES IS GONNA DO
A DEEP MOVEMENT WORKSHOP.
OKAY, LOOK, ANYBODY
NAMED MR. RICKLES DESERVES
TO BE FIRED, ONE,
AND TWO, WHAT THE HELL
IS A "DEEP MOVEMENT"
WORKSHOP?
-IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR JOINTS.
-BABY, COME ON, PLEASE.
I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO
PUT IN A GOOD WORD, OKAY?
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
ON MY SIDE.
I NEED THIS.
I'LL SEE
WHAT I CAN DO.
-THANK YOU.
-YOU'RE WELCOME.
MM-HMM.
UH-OH.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAUGH WORKSHOPS BEFORE.
OH, REALLY?
WHERE?
-BAKERSFIELD.
-BAKERSFIELD.
MM-HMM.
YOU DON'T HAVE
YOUR CERTIFICATE, DO YOU?
PAPERWORK?
COME ON, WHO NEEDS THAT?
ME.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
A PH.D. LIKE YOU.
-MM-HMM.
-BUT I CAN STILL BE VERY
USEFUL TO THIS PSYCH WARD.
THIS IS NO A PSYCH WARD.
THIS IS
A COUNSELING CENTER.
SORRY.
UH...
I CAN BE VERY USEFUL
TO YOUR COUNSELING CENTER.
BUT HONESTLY, IT'S KINDA
"TOMATOES-TOMAHTOES,"
RIGHT?
JUST KIDDING.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
THOUGHT YOU'D APPRECIATE THAT,
BEING A COMEDIAN, HMM?
YEAH, THAT'S--
I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT INTERVIEW STYLE.
WELL, THE VANESSA GROUP
DOESN'T NEED THERAPY
AS MUCH AS SOCIAL SKILLS,
BUT COMEDY,
COMEDY WILL TAKE
CARE OF THAT, HUH?
-COMEDY.
-HIGH FIVE.
-OKAY.
-YEAH.
-FIST BUMP.
-ALL RIGHT.
-AH-HH!
LET'S GO MEE THE GROUP.
-YES!
GUYS, GUYS.
LISTEN UP, LISTEN UP.
-THIS IS BUDDY.
-HI.
I HEAR YOU ALREADY MET.
OKAY... WELL.
I'LL LEAVE I UP TO YOU, THEN, HUH?
GOOD LUCK.
WELL, I DIDN'T EXPEC TO BE STARTING TODAY,
BUT... HERE WE ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK HERE?
THANK YOU,
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU TOO.
GUYS, I'M YOUR NEW
AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES
INSTRUCTOR.
SERIOUSLY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WHOA. I'M JUST HERE
TO TEACH YOU GUYS
COMEDY, OKAY?
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU
SOME FUCKIN' MANNERS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE JUS GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
A LITTLE BIT FIRST?
LET'S GET INTO A SEMI-CIRCLE
SO BRING YOUR CHAIRS IN.
COULD YOU BRING THEM CLOSER?
COME IN A LITTLE BIT?
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S THE EFFOR I'M LOOKING FOR.
IF YOU COULD JUS SCOOT IN?
COULD YOU JUS TAKE YOUR CHAIR AND...
OKAY.
WHY DON'T I BEGIN?
UH, MY NAME IS BUDDY.
I'M A COMEDIAN,
AND I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,
BUT SINCE I'M HERE,
CLEARLY I'M NOT.
I DRINK A LOT,
I GET HIGH EVEN MORE OFTEN.
SOME DAYS I SLEEP
FOR 18 STRAIGHT HOURS.
UH... OKAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
TELL ME YOUR NAMES
AND WHAT BRAND
OF CRAZY YOU GOT?
UM, EXCUSE YOU?
SORRY, WHAT'S YOUR
MENTAL ILLNESS?
MY, UH,
MY NAME IS BUFORD.
BUT EVERYBODY
CALLS ME "BUGG."
I WORKED AT VONS
ON SUNSET AND VERMONT,
BEFORE I STARTED
SEEING THE GHOST.
OH, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS
IN "THE SIXTH SENSE"?
NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?
ELLIOT GOMES.
PHOENIX BATTALION.
OH, YEAH?
WHERE WERE YOU?
-AFGHANISTAN.
-I HEAR THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
"BEAUTIFUL"?
WHAT ARE YOU,
A FUCKIN' MORON?
MOST PEOPLE
WOULD SAY YES.
OLIVER!
NICE TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.
HOW LONG DO
WE HAVE TO BE HERE?
VANESSA SAID
WE'D BE DOING YOGA.
YOU'RE NOT THE YOGA TEACHER.
WHERE'S MY CHICKEN SALAD?
CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
ONCE YOU FINISH
A CHICKEN SALAD,
HOW LONG UNTIL THEY BRING YOU
THAT NEXT CHICKEN SALAD?
I NEVER GE A CHICKEN SALAD.
AND YET YOU KEEP ASKING.
-HELLO.
-HI, MY NAME'S ZOE.
AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?
BECAUSE MY PARENTS
ARE PIECES OF SHIT.
RESPECTFUL.
THAT IS WHAT I LIKE MOS ABOUT THE YOUTH OF TODAY.
MISS LIAO.
DON'T WANNA TALK
TO YOU.
OKAY, "BRADY BUNCH."
LET'S BEGIN.
GUYS, I WANT YOU
TO THINK OF ME AS THE
COOL TEACHER, OKAY?
WE ARE JUST GONNA
STRAIGHT CHILLAX.
"CHILLAX"?
YEAH, YOU KNOW, RELAX,
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
HANG OUT,
TELL OUR STORIES.
THAT STUFF IS VERY
HEALING, GUYS.
SO, WHAT MAKES YOU
SO SPECIAL?
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE
CALL ME SPECIAL.
I DON'T WANT TO
TELL YOU SHIT, DUDE.
FINE.
WE'LL JUST SIT HERE
IN SILENCE.
SHOW US SOME COMEDY.
EXCUSE ME?
MISS LIAO
LOVES COMEDY.
REALLY?
OKAY.
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
ALL RIGHT, UH, WELL,
A JOKE COMES IN TWO PARTS.
YOU GOT YOUR SETUP,
AND YOU GOT YOUR PUNCH LINE.
"KNOCK KNOCK."
"WHO'S THERE?"
"JUSTIN."
"JUSTIN WHO?"
THAT'S YOUR SETUP.
BUT THE PUNCH LINE,
THAT'S WHERE YOU GE YOUR LAUGH.
"JUSTIN TIME FOR DINNER."
I'VE SEEN SUICIDE BOMBERS
THAT ARE FUNNIER THAN YOU.
-I THOUGHT YOU
WERE A COMEDIAN.
-NO, GUYS,
THAT'S AN EXAMPLE
OF JOKE STRUCTURE.
LOOK, OKAY, LOOK.
I WILL GIVE YOU A REAL JOKE
FROM MY ACT.
WE'LL USE THIS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SO I LOST MY VIRGINITY
TO A FRENCH GIRL.
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE LEARNING
TO DRIVE ON A PORSCHE--
-BORING!
-HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT'S BORING?
I HAVEN'T FINISHED
THE JOKE YET.
MY MOTHER'S FRENCH, DUDE.
WELL, SHE MIGHT LIKE
A JOKE ABOUT HER.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING
REMOTELY FUNNY!
YOU GUYS GOTTA
LET ME FINISH.
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE PUNCH LINE.
REALLY HARD TO
GET A JOKE OUT--
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
FORGET IT, FORGET IT.
LET'S JUST WATCH
A VIDEO, OKAY?
LET'S WATCH
A VIDEO TOGETHER.
WE'LL WATCH VIDEOS.
OH, LOOK, IT'S JERRY SEINFELD.
LOW EFFORT FOR
EVERYBODY INVOLVED,
INCLUDING JERRY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENED TO THE FRENCH GIRL?
DON'T THINK ABOU THE FRENCH GIRL, BUGG.
HEY, STEPHAN, IT'S BUDDY.
DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE
FROM THAT HARE KRISHNA?
ANYWAY, I HAD TO SLEEP
WITH ALL OF YOUR ASSISTANTS
TO GET THIS DIRECT NUMBER,
INCLUDING DAVE, WHO IS
A GREAT LAY,
SO YOU KNOW,
CALL ME BACK, MAN.
THANKS.
OKAY, GUYS,
HELL OF A FIRST DAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, HEY, BUDDY.
HEY... I WANNA LEARN
ABOUT PUNCH LINES.
OH YEAH?
YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT AN EMISSARY
SENT FROM THAT HORDE
HERE TO ATTACK ME?
OH, NO, MAN.
THIS IS ALL JUS REALLY NEW TO THEM.
WHAT'S WITH "CHINESE
CHUCKLES" IN THERE?
KIND OF AN INTENSE WOMAN
FOR A WORKSHOP.
YEAH, MISS LIAO IS
TYSON'S YOUNGER COUSIN.
SO?
WELL, HE MANAGED
TO GET HER HERE
INSTEAD OF A ROOM
AT STATE.
SHE WAS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE
OR SOMETHING.
HER HUSBAND UP IN FRESNO
USED TO HIT HER.
A LOT.
SHE BURNED HIS HOUSE DOWN.
PULLED A "LEFT EYE."
YEAH, I NEVER THOUGH ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
-YEAH.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
MY MOM WOULDN'T ALLOW ANY
CUSSIN' IN THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, YOU COULDN' WATCH ANYTHING.
BUT ME AND MY OLDER BROTHER
USED TO SNEAK "DELIRIOUS"
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
MY MOM SAID "FUCK"
ALL THE TIME, SO...
"DELIRIOUS"
IS GREAT, THOUGH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MAN?
YOU GOT JOKES?
YEAH, YEAH, MAN.
I GOT A BOOK FULL OF 'EM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
NEXT TIME I'M HERE,
YOU BRING 'EM, WE'LL GO
OVER 'EM TOGETHER, OKAY?
YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'D BE GREAT.
THAT'D BE GREAT, MAN.
HEY, BUDDY?
YOU GET TO MISS LIAO,
EVERYBODY ELSE
FALLS IN LINE.
THANKS, MAN.
COME ON. COME ON.
COME ON.
THIS IS YOUR IDEA.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I THOUGHT I WAS
IN BETTER SHAPE.
NO, I COULD'VE
TOLD YOU OTHERWISE.
-ALL RIGHT, WELL.
-SEE, YOU SHOULD GO
WORK OUT WITH ME.
-I WORK OUT.
I CALL IT DRINKING AND--
NOT EATING RIGHT.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
-THANK YOU.
-I DID THIS ALL MYSELF.
WHY DO YOU
PUT UP WITH ME?
I ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS
AND YOU ACCEPT MINE.
YEAH, BUT YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY.
EXCEPT MY TERRIBLE
TASTE IN MEN.
-HEY, THAT IS ME.
-IT IS YOU.
-OH.
-MM-HMM.
WHAT'S THAT?
I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
OKAY.
I'M PREGNANT.
-THAT'S A GOOD JOKE.
-IT'S NOT A JOKE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S--
THIS IS GREAT NEWS,
SWEETIE.
THIS IS-- FUCK.
THIS IS GREAT.
I...
WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPIER?
I MEAN, THE TWO OF US
ARE A MESS.
WE CAN BARELY
TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
ANOTHER PERSON?
HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE
AN AMAZING MOM.
-I CAN TRY BREASTFEEDING.
BABY, I'M GONNA GE INTO THE JUBILEE, OKAY?
AND THEN EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
TURN AROUND FOR US.
I PROMISE.
NEXT TIME, WARN ME BEFORE
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE "CHURRO"
DECIDE TO SPRING THIS
KINDA NEWS ON ME.
-THIS IS SUPPOSED TO
BE A GOOD THING, MA.
MAYBE IF YOU PEOPLE
BELIEVED IN THE USE
OF CONDOMS.
-LISTEN, DARLING, DON' LET HER TEAR US APART.
-PLEASE, STOP IT.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM ME?
ALL YOU DO IS INSULT HIM.
YEAH, WELL, I CAN DO THAT.
HE'S MY GODDAMNED SON.
OKAY, GUYS, WE DON'T WANT TO
WAKE THE KOREAN NEIGHBORS--
WE HAVE A BOND.
A BOND OF REAL FAMILY.
A BOND OF COMEDY.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE,
FUCK FACE?
-BUDDY, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER.
-SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA STOP.
-I NEVER SAID THAT.
-YOU NEED TO CHECK
YOUR MOTHER.
-CHECK YOURSELF
OUT THE DOOR!
-THANKS, MOM.
-WAIT.
-BYE!
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM.
IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN,
.
WE'RE IN AMERICA.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF BUGG.
DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
JESUS!
ARGH!
CAREFUL, YOU'RE GONNA
SNAP HER IN HALF.
AMERICAN KIDS
HAVE NO RESPECT.
I KNOW.
I WAS ONE OF THEM.
-NO.
HOW DO YOU SAY "PAIN"
IN YOUR LANGUAGE?
"TONG."
BURNING DOWN HOUSES,
SCARING THE LIVING SHI OUT OF PEOPLE?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOTTA "TONG."
VANESSA TOLD ME
YOU HAD A DAUGHTER.
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
I LIKE KIDS.
THEY'RE GREAT.
ALL SQUISHY,
THEY'RE CUTE.
THEIR HEADS SMELL AMAZING.
I BET YOUR DAUGHTER
WOULD LOVE I IF YOU JUST TRIED
ONE OF THESE DONUTS.
I TOLD YOU TO
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
-I DON'T KNOW WHA THAT MEANS.
MEANS "ASSHOLE."
OH, SO, I'M
A DOUBLE ASSHOLE?
EH, THESE ARE FINE.
HELLO, EVERYONE!
I COME BEARING GIFTS.
GET EXCITED, PEOPLE,
BECAUSE THESE BAD BOYS
ARE FRESH
AND THEY ARE WARM.
THAT'LL DISTURB MY DIGESTION.
IT'LL GIVE ME THE RUNS.
VERY, VERY WATERY POO.
THANKS FOR TALKING
ABOUT YOUR SHITS.
DR. YEE DOESN'T LIKE
OUTSIDE FOOD IN HERE.
IT'S JUST DONUTS, OKAY?
THOSE ARE FULL
OF SUGAR AND CARBS.
THAT'S WHAT GOES
INTO DONUTS.
MOMMY AND DADDY
WON'T LET YOU HAVE
THE GOOD STUFF EITHER?
-SHUT YOUR MOUTH, RETARD!
WHOA, WHOA!
GUYS, WE DON'T NEED
ANOTHER "DANGEROUS MINDS."
IT'S ALL GOOD.
SO YOU DO LIKE DONUTS.
SEE, EVERYONE?
MISS LIAO LIKES DONUTS.
OUR TEACHER
IS TRYING VERY HARD.
YES, I AM.
-THIRSTY.
-GREAT.
WATER.
YOU'D BETTER GET THAT WATER.
MISS LIAO DOES NOT ASK TWICE.
OKAY, I WILL BE BACK.
FUCKIN' PEOPLE.
DOOR'S LOCKED.
AH.
MUCH APPRECIATED.
HEY, GUYS,
I KNOW IT'S COMMON.
I LOCKED MYSELF
OUT OF MY ROOM,
SO, UH, WHAT DO WE DO
IN THAT SITUATION?
TOUCHE.
YOUR WATER, PRECIOUS.
GREAT, NOW I CAN
CHECK "GETTING HAZED
BY THE MENTALLY ILL"
OFF MY BUCKET LIST.
GET EXCITED, CLASS.
WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE
A HUGE LESSON,
'CAUSE TODAY WE'RE LEARNING
ABOUT THE HISTORY...
OF COMEDY.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YOU'RE WORSE
THAN MY COUSIN TAN.
HE WAS RETARDED.
...MASTURBATING
THIS MORNING,
AND ON MY WAY HERE,
IT MADE ME KINDA LATE.
SO... THAT HAPPENED.
AH, KNUCKLES.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU CAME
TO FRINGE SHOWS, BUDDY.
YOU KNOW, I MAKE
AN EXCEPTION
WHEN I'M ON THE FRINGE
OF BEING INTERESTED.
-OH! GOOD ONE.
-THANK YOU.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO TALK
TO STEPHAN, OKAY?
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
GETTING MY MESSAGES.
STEPHAN'S NOT HERE.
HE'S LITERALLY
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
-NO, HE'S NOT.
-JESUS.
IS HE EVEN LISTENING
TO THIS GUY?
-HE'S ABSORBING.
-MAYBE.
-LOOK, I JUST WAN TO TELL HIM
I'M DOING SOME
NEX I'M TAKING THINGS
IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION.
OH, THAT'S
A BOY BAND, RIGHT?
PRETTY GOOD ONE.
JUST LET ME--
CALM DOWN, OKAY?
STEPHAN'S GOTTEN
ALL YOUR MESSAGES.
HE JUST DOESN'T WAN TO TALK TO YOU.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT,
KNUCKLES, OSMOSIS?
-WAY TO WORK IN
A CALLBACK.
-OH, THANKS.
HEY, STICK AROUND AND YOU CAN
WATCH A REAL PRO ON STAGE.
-ME.
THANK YOU FOR THA WARM WELCOME.
I APPRECIATE IT.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A NEW JOB THAT I GOT.
I'M TEACHING
STAND-UP COMEDY
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M TRYING TO TEACH
THE INSANE
HOW TO BE FUNNIER.
THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO TEACH
THE BLIND HOW TO DRIVE.
I MEAN,
WHAT'S THE POINT?
THERE IS
AN ASIAN WOMAN THERE
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
I MEAN, SHE'S KIND
OF ATTRACTIVE,
PROVIDED YOUR TURN-ONS
INCLUDE
A HORRIBLE PERSONALITY
AND KNIFE SKILLS.
SHE IS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE,
THOUGH, WHICH IS KIND OF COOL.
FIRST ONE I'VE EVER MET.
SHE BURNED HER HUSBAND'S
HOUSE DOWN.
IMAGINE HOW PISSED
YOU WOULD BE
IF YOU PAID FOR A WOMAN
TO BE SHIPPED FROM CHINA
AND THEN SHE BURNED
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE DOWN.
SHE "LEFT-EYED" THIS GUY.
THERE'S AN AFGHANISTAN
WAR VE WHO IS A REAL CHARMER,
LET ME TELL YOU.
HE HAS SOME SERIOUS
ANGER PROBLEMS,
BUT HE'S SINGLE,
SO LADIES,
IF YOUR BUCKET LIS INCLUDES DEATH BY
MURDER-SUICIDE,
-I THINK I'VE GOT YOUR GUY.
BUT THE BEST PERSON THERE IS
A BLACK SCHIZOPHRENIC GUY
WHO GOT FIRED FROM VONS.
YOU HEAR THAT?
LET'S COUNT ALL THOSE
SHITTY THINGS
THIS GUY'S DEALING WITH.
I MEAN, HE'S A BLACK GUY.
SORRY, BUT HE'S ALREADY
GOT A FEW STRIKES AGAINST HIM
WITH THAT.
HE'S SCHIZOPHRENIC,
AND HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS!
WHO THE FUCK GETS FIRED
FROM A GROCERY STORE?
MY COUSIN IS 14,
AND HE'S A MANAGER THERE.
THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN THAT IS AN INDIAN
IN A WHEELCHAIR
SWEEPING UP AT A CASINO.
HE'S SWEEPING!
THEY COULDN'T EVEN
GIVE HIM A JOB DEALING?
SO GUYS, WHEN YOU THINK
YOU GOT IT BAD,
KEEP IN MIND--
YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.
-THANKS, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS.
HOW THE FUCK
DO YOU GET FIRED--
-IT'S THIS UGLY CAT MEME.
I DON'T KNOW.
MY NIECE SENT IT TO ME.
I'M ACTUALLY JUST GETTING
A TON OF WRITING DONE.
-THAT'S GREAT.
-YEAH.
I TOLD YOU YOU'D FIND
YOUR INSPIRATION.
-YOU WERE RIGHT.
-MM-HMM.
SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
-HUNGRY.
-OH, LITTLE BABY.
I'M FINE.
-HAVE YOU CHECKED
YOUR MESSAGES?
-NO.
WHEN I'M AT WORK
TYSON SAID,
"DON'T CHECK YOUR PHONE."
-DON'T BE A DICK.
-THAT'S WHAT HE
SOUNDED LIKE.
DON'T BE A DICK.
YOU SHOULD CHECK
YOUR MESSAGES.
-HE'S CALLED
YOUR LAND LINE,
HE'S EVEN CALLED ME.
-STEPHAN MARTIN.
-UH-HUH.
THIS'LL ONLY
TAKE A SECOND.
HEY, THAT WAS
A VERY INTERESTING
PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, DID YOU SEE IT OR
DID YOU JUST ABSORB IT?
-HA, HA.
-WILL YOU PLEASE
BE QUIET?
WILL YOU PLEASE
ADHERE TO YOUR OWN
DHARMA EXPERIENCE?
UH, EVERYTHING OKAY
OVER THERE?
JUST SOME HUMAN SOUL
LOST IN SAMSARA.
SO THAT WAS QUITE
A DARK SET.
-COMPELLING.
-SHH!
-OH, THANKS, MAN.
HEY, LOOK...
I GOT A TON MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM,
AND I KNOW YOU GO THE JUBILEE COMING UP, SO...
HEY, WERE THOSE REAL PEOPLE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?
UH, YEAH.
WOW. YOU'RE KIND OF
AN EVIL BASTARD.
UH, I GUESS.
THANKS.
YOU NEED TO BE QUIET.
WHAT IF I WAS ON
THE PHONE WITH BUDDHA?
BUDDHA CALLS NOW.
SO DO SHUT UP,
YOU UNENLIGHTENED FUCK.
ALL PRAISE
BUDDHA SHAKYAMUNI.
ANYWAY, LET'S SEE WHA YOU CAN DO ON THE JUBILEE
EMERGING STAGE.
NIGHT ONE.
YOU KILL THERE,
AND I'LL BRING YOU BACK
FOR THE COMPETITION.
I WANT TO KISS
YOUR BALD HEAD.
THANK YOU!
OOH, I'M FUCKING THE WORLD!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I... SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THA TO A SOCIAL WORKER.
AH, I'M STILL FUCKING
THE WORLD, THOUGH! OH!
OH-HO, YES!
TO QUOTE THE PROPHE ICE CUBE,
"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!"
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS
A LITTLE COMEDY.
A LITTLE QUID PRO QUO.
WHAT DID WE DO FOR YOU?
-IT IS LATIN.
I THINK.
GUYS, NOT A LANGUAGE CLASS.
OH, LET'S GET BACK
TO OUR LESSON.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS TAKE
FROM THAT JERRY VIDEO?
HIS VOICE SOUNDS
NASAL AND STRANGE.
WELL, I LIKED IT.
I LIKED THE PUNCH LINES.
IT SEEMS LIKE HE THOUGH A LOT ABOUT 'EM.
YEAH.
THAT'S A GOOD
OBSERVATION, BUGG.
HERE'S ONE OF HIS CLASSICS.
"MEN WANT FROM THEIR UNDERWEAR
THE SAME THING THEY WAN FROM THEIR WOMEN--
A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPOR AND A LITTLE BIT OF FREEDOM."
I SAW THAT.
I SAW THAT, MISS LIAO.
YOU LIKED THAT ONE
DIDN'T YOU?
I DIDN'T KNOW THE COMMUNISTS
WERE FANS OF FREEDOM.
I HAVE PRETTY UNDERWEAR.
TARGET.
-OH.
OKAY, WELL,
LET'S NOT SHOW ANYBODY,
ALL RIGHT?
ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THEIR UNDERWEAR?
OH, I'M SO GONNA
GET FIRED.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S STAR THE LESSON.
HOW DO YOU NOT GE SCARED UP THERE
WHEN EVERYBODY'S
JUDGING YOU?
BELIEVE ME,
YOU'RE SCARED.
ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
LEARN TO USE THAT FEAR.
YOU KNOW
HOW MOMS CAN, LIKE,
LIFT A CAR OFF
OF THEIR KIDS?
SAME THING WHEN
YOU'RE ON STAGE, MAN.
WHEN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN,
IT'S KILL OR BE KILLED.
HOW'D YOU GET STARTED
DOING THIS?
I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING
TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER
AFTER MY PARENTS
GOT DIVORCED.
YEAH, MY FOLKS
GOT DIVORCED TOO.
YEAH, PRETTY COMMON.
THAT'S IT, THOUGH.
MY FOLKS DIVORCE
MESSED ME UP.
THAT'S WHAT DROVE ME
INTO THE MILITARY.
YEAH, I COULDN'T GET IN.
-TOO MANLY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GE BACK TO THE LESSON--
YOU KNOW, WE'RE KINDA
EXPERTS ON PAIN.
THAT'S ALL WE FACE,
RIGHT?
THERE'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING MORE.
TELL US.
YOU GUYS WANT TO
HEAR A STORY?
ONE NIGHT, AFTER
MY MOTHER PASSED OUT...
I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM
AND TOOK ABOUT 20 PILLS.
APPARENTLY THAT'S
NOT ENOUGH...
BECAUSE I WOKE UP...
IN THE LONG BEACH CENTER
FOR MENTAL HEALTH.
I WAS THERE
FOR SIX MONTHS.
THAT PLACE
IS TERRIBLE.
TAKE THE GLASS
OUT OF THE MIRRORS,
SO YOU DON' KILL YOURSELF.
FOOD IS TERRIBLE.
JESUS, OLIVER,
YOU WOULD BE SO
DISAPPOINTED
IN WHAT THEY CALL
CHICKEN SALAD THERE.
ALL RIGHT...
HOW ABOUT WE LEARN
SOME COMEDY, HUH?
HEY.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, MAN.
HEY, THAT WAS...
THAT WAS REALLY COOL OF YOU
TO SHARE THAT WITH US TODAY.
WHAT'S A LITTLE STORY
ABOUT BEING INSTITUTIONALIZED
AMONG FRIENDS?
GOES A LONG WAY,
TRUST ME.
THANKS.
OH, UH--
OH, YES.
WE WERE GONNA GO OVER
YOUR JOKES TODAY, RIGHT?
-SURE.
YOU DON'T, UM...
YOU DON' HAVE YOUR NOTEBOOK
WITH YOU TODAY.
-THE NOTEBOOK THA YOU WRITE IN
AFTER EVERY CLASS?
YEAH, I JUST MUST'VE
FORGOT IT, OKAY?
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
COME ON, HIT ME.
ALL RIGHT.
UM... OKAY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HIT ME.
FIND A GOOD ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE ONE?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
"ONE COOL THING ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS
YOU NEVER
HAVE TO BE ALONE.
THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER
VOICE TO TALK TO
IN YOUR HEAD."
OKAY.
THAT SUCKED.
I-- I GOT--
I GOT A BETTER ONE--
IT DIDN'T SUCK.
YOU'RE JUST NO IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
I GOT AN IDEA,
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME.
TRY YOUR JOKE
WITH THE BALL.
-YEAH, YEAH.
IT KEEPS YOU
OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
TRUST ME, IT WORKS.
I USED TO PLAY
IN GARRY SHANDLING'S
PICK-UP GAMES.
YOU KNOW A LO OF FAMOUS PEOPLE?
HMM.
I'VE BEEN TO THEIR HOUSES.
-OH! NICE!
YOU'RE TERRIBLE
AT BASKETBALL.
-SOCCER'S MORE MY THING.
NO.
JUST RELAX.
WE GOT ALL DAY.
WE GOT ALL DAY, OKAY?
JUST YOU,
THE BALL, THE HOOP.
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS
YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE.
THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER VOICE
TO TALK TO IN YOUR HEAD.
ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF
THOSE VOICES IS A GIRL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE OF THE VOICES
IN MY HEAD
IS A GIRL.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
A DAY I HIT ON MYSELF?
SO MUCH BETTER.
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
-WHY ARE YOU WORKING
SO HARD AT THIS?
I KNOW TOURING COMICS
THAT DON'T PUT IN
THIS MUCH TIME.
MY MOM WANTS
TO COME SEE ME.
I WANT...
TRINA TO SEE ME
TELL JOKES.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
A LOT.
JUST WANT HER TO BE
PROUD OF ME AGAIN.
LET'S GET YOU
ON STAGE, KID.
-LET'S GE THIS PUT AWAY.
-OKAY.
THANKS FOR
LISTENING TODAY.
HEY,
NO PROBLEM, MAN.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN
HAVING EPISODES?
ABOUT A YEAR NOW.
I WAS GETTING GOOD GRADES
UP AT CAL POLY
WHEN... I STARTED
SEEING GHOSTS.
REALLY FUCKED ME UP.
WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THIS.
NO, I NEED TO
TALK ABOUT IT.
-OKAY.
-WHEN IT HAPPENED,
I'D...
SHAKE SO HARD...
THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL ME
"POLAROID PICTURE."
LIKE IN THA OUTKAST SONG?
'CAUSE I'D DO THIS.
PISS IN MY PANTS, TOO.
NEVER TOLD ANYBODY THAT.
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
-I KNOW, YOU JUS MET ME, MAN.
-STOP.
DUDE, STOP.
IT'S TOTALLY COOL.
YOU'RE DOING
BETTER NOW, RIGHT?
YOU GOT I UNDER CONTROL.
YEAH... YEAH,
THINGS ARE GOOD NOW.
LET'S GET THIS
PUT AWAY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO!
I'M ON MY WAY.
THANK YOU.
YOU THINK YOU MIGH WANT TO SMOKE LESS?
NO, ASSHOLE.
YOUR FATHER USED TO
ASK ME THAT ALL THE TIME.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
LEAVE ME OVER THAT, TOO?
PLEASE DON'T TALK
LIKE THAT.
WELL, IF YOU WERE HERE MORE
OFTEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
JESUS, I'M HERE
THREE NIGHTS A WEEK.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
HERE, COME SIT WITH ME.
I'LL MAKE POPCORN,
HEAVY WITH BUTTER,
JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
WHAT AM I, TEN?
YOU THINK I'M NO GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU GROCERIES.
I'LL BE BACK MONDAY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE
BETTER THAN HANNA?
I WAS AT THE TOP.
I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE
CAREER FOR YOU!
I COULD'VE ABORTED YOU!
DON'T TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT.
AND DON'T BOTHER VANESSA
ANYMORE EITHER, OKAY?
OR I'M NOT GONNA
BRING YOU SHIT.
OH.
IT'S SUNDAY.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH HANNA?
DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I'D RATHER BE HERE
WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
-DARRYL'S PIZZA
EMPORIUM.
YOUR FAVORITE.
IT IS MY FAVORITE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I TURNS OU I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
ME NEITHER.
IS IT KINKY
TO HAVE SEX WITH
A PREGNANT WOMAN?
I'M IN A KINKY
KIND OF MOOD.
THAT'S ACTUALLY
PRETTY GOOD.
THAT YOUR DAUGHTER?
-WHOA, WHOA!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
KIND OF PRETTY.
DON'T TELL VANESSA.
I'M NOT PRETTY AT ALL.
YOU ARE.
YOU JUST HIDE IT.
ME, I'M UNDENIABLY UGLY,
SO I CAN'T DO THAT.
DAUGHTER'S PRETTY, TOO.
THANK YOU.
SURE SHE MISSES YOU.
YOU KNOW...
YOU AND I HAVE
SOMETHING IN COMMON.
WHAT?
"TONG."
I DON'T HIT MY HEAD,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT I RUIN MY PRETTY FACE.
SO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
PRETTY UGLY.
SO HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING WITH THE GROUP?
YOU KNOW,
THEY'VE GROWN ON ME.
WELL, NOW YOU'VE GO A FEEL FOR THE PLACE,
I WANT TO TELL YOU MY PLANS
ABOUT YOUR WORKSHOP.
STAND-UP COMEDY
IS LIKE PUBLIC SPEAKING.
I WANT YOUR STUDENTS
TO FINISH YOUR CLASS
WITH A SPEECH ENTITLED,
"WHO AM I?"
-SOUNDS EXCITING.
-NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.
COMEDY CAN BUILD CONFIDENCE,
DON'T YOU THINK?
YES, IT JUST...
SOUNDS A LITTLE ACADEMIC.
REPEAT AFTER ME--
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
"WHO AM I?"
IT'S NOT A REQUEST,
BUDDY.
I DO NOT GE THIS GUY.
"
-THAT'S LAME.
AGREED.
WE ALREADY KNOW
WHO WE ARE.
A BUNCH OF
ANXIETY-RIDDEN CRAZIES.
HEY, GUYS, COME ON.
BE NICE TO YOURSELVES.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
I MEAN, YOU ARE, ZOE.
OH, SORRY.
JUST A JOKE.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
YOUR CLASS SUCKS.
ANYWAY--
LOOK, GUYS,
I GET THAT THIS
ASSIGNMENT IS LAME.
BUT COME ON, LET'S TURN
A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.
I THINK I GO A WAY TO GIVE TYSON
EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS,
BUT BETTER.
I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS
THE BIGGEST SECRE OF COMEDY.
IT'S CALLED "PP."
LIKE PEE
YES!
OLIVER WITH THE JOKE!
DID NOT REALIZE
HE MADE A JOKE, OKAY.
YES, LIKE PP.
ONCE YOU MASTER THE TWO PS,
YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY
WHO THE HELL YOU ARE.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE, HUH?
YOU THINK YOU'RE
"CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN"?
YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA SAVE US?
GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY FACE.
-ZOE.
SHUT UP.
WHATEVER.
I WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT PP.
ME, TOO.
YOU GUYS HAVE
SUCH REFINED TASTE.
GOOD COMEDY, GUYS?
HONEST COMEDY?
IT'S "PAINFUL"
AND IT'S "PERSONAL."
YOU GOTTA DIG DEEP, GUYS.
YOU GOTTA GET TO THAT STUFF
THAT PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO.
ANYBODY HAVE A PERSONAL STORY
THEY WANT TO SHARE?
YOU GUYS KNOW
I'LL WAIT.
HELL, YEAH.
WELL, BEFORE
I GOT DISCHARGED,
I ACTUALLY
GOT QUARANTINED.
THE ONLY THING
THAT GOT ME THROUGH
WAS THERE WAS THIS BRITISH
SOLDIER NAMED WINSTON.
HE WAS PARALYZED AND HE WAS
DYING FROM A SHRAPNEL INJURY.
I THOUGHT THIS
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A FUNNY STORY.
ZOE, QUIET.
ANYWAY, HE NEVER LOS HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE'D WAKE UP EVERY
MORNING AND HE'D GO,
YOU KNOW, ELLIOT?
I LOOK 'ROUND HERE,
ALL THESE YOUNG MEN
DYIN' FOR THEIR COUNTRY,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND
REALLY MOVING?
EVERYTHING BUT MY LEGS."
THAT WAS AWESOME.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?
WHEN I WAS A KID,
I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING--
ROLLER COASTERS,
THE DENTIST,
MY REFLECTION.
I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH
IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR
UNTIL I WAS 23.
I MEAN, I WAS AFRAID
TO MASTURBATE
UNTIL I TOOK MYSELF
ON A DATE FIRST.
NICE!
WENT A LITTLE DARK.
GOOD WORK, BUGG.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO
TO THE NEXT LESSON.
NOW GET OUTTA HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
BYE, ZOE.
BYE, MISS LIAO.
WHAT, CAN'T GE ENOUGH OF ME?
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKIN' AT?
A COMPUTER SCREEN.
I'M IM-ING MY FIANCEE,
IS THAT OKAY?
AH, YEAH.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
"FLOWERGIRL81."
IS THAT HER?
YEAH.
WHAT KIND OF NAME
IS "FLOWERGIRL81"?
IT'S A GOOD NAME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IM
WOMEN NEED
LOVE AND AFFECTION...
I THINK.
YOU'RE NO IN AFGHANISTAN ANYMORE.
NO, I'M GOING TO
AN ANXIETY WORKSHOP
IN KOREATOWN
FIVE DAYS A WEEK.
YEAH.
AND YOU'RE DOING
REALLY GOOD.
HELL OF A COCKNEY ACCENT.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW HER?
A WHILE.
LET ME TRY SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
TRUST ME.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S A JOKE.
LOOK, I KNOW,
IT'S NOT MY BEST,
BUT IT'S SERVICEABLE.
SEE?
SERVICEABLE.
FEEL FREE TO LEAVE
A MESSAGE.
I PROBABLY WON' LISTEN TO IT.
NAMASTE.
STEPHAN!
HEY, IT'S BUDDY.
VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE JUBILEE,
THANK YOU AGAIN.
I TWEAKED MY SET A BIT.
PROBABLY NOT DOING THAT STUFF
ABOUT THE CRAZY PEOPLE,
SO... YEAH.
BUT I WILL SEE YOU SOON.
BUDDY, I NEED YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU?
COME ON, MA,
LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S GO HOME.
THAT'S THE LAST TIME.
SHE'S NOT ALLOWED
BACK IN HERE.
FUCK OFF, YOU CUNT.
DO YOU KNOW
WHO THE HELL I AM?
YEAH, I KEEP TELLING YOU--
A HAS-BEEN BITCH.
-FUCK YOU!
-OKAY, CUT THA SHIT OUT.
-WE'RE LEAVING.
-YEAH, GET HER
OUTTA HERE.
-FUCK YOU, DOUCHEBAG.
-YEAH, YEAH, STAR WALKING, BUDDY.
OKAY, WE ARE, WE ARE.
MA, TURN AROUND!
FUCK HIM.
I'M HANNA BALES.
DOES HE KNOW
I'M HANNA BALES?
I THINK HE'S AWARE
OF IT, MOM.
WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU THINKING?
SCHWARTZ
CAN EAT MY SHIT.
FOUR SOLD-OUT NIGHTS,
GOD DAMN IT.
I WROTE FOR HIM.
HE OWES ME.
LET'S GET YOU
CLEANED UP.
YOU FEEL BETTER?
WE'RE NEVER GOING BACK
TO THAT SHITHOLE.
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING
BACK TOMORROW.
I GOT INTO THE JUBILEE.
THANK YOU FOR
THE GREAT SETUP.
HOW DID YOU GE THAT GIG?
I DON'T KNOW,
I WROTE SOME NEW JOKES.
ARE YOU TRYING
TO LEAVE ME?
MA, I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.
I THINK YOU'RE
LEAVING ME ALONE,
YOU SON OF A BITCH,
-YOU DICKHEAD.
-STOP IT,
THAT'S MY BOOK.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK
OF YOUR JOKES.
MA, STOP IT!
THIS IS THE QUEEN.
YOU OWE THE QUEEN.
I WAS AN IDIOT TO THINK
YOU'D EVER BE PROUD OF ME.
OH, FUCK YOU.
HMM.
YEAH, KNUCKLES CAN
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
-STEPHAN.
-I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
IGNORE MY MESSAGE.
I'M NOT CHANGING THE SET.
YOU CHANGE THE SET, BUDDY,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE JUBILEE.
I'M SORRY,
IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.
WE'RE GOOD WITH
DARK AND COMPELLING?
NAMASTE.
I THINK WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO GET THERE EARLY,
GET SOME GOOD SEATS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ANYBODY HAVE ANY JOKES
THEY WANT TO WORKSHOP?
I DON'T HAVE A LO OF TIME TODAY.
WHOA, WHAT'S
THE RUSH, DUDE?
GOT SOMEPLACE TO BE?
-WE HEARD YOU HAVE A SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AH, DON'T BE SHY, DUDE.
WE KNOW ABOU THE JUBILEE.
THE ASSHOLE
IS FAMOUS NOW.
VANESSA TOLD US
ALL ABOUT IT.
THAT WAS NICE OF HER.
WE WANT TO COME
SEE YOU, MAN.
NO, NO, SORRY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
A STAR IN CHINA.
GREAT. WHY DON'T YOU
KEEP THAT JACKIE CHAN DREAM
TO YOURSELF, OKAY?
OH, THE FUNNY GUY AFWAID TO
PERFORM FOR HIS FWIENDS?
COME ON, LET US
COME SEE YOU, MAN.
LOOK, GUYS,
I TOLD YOU NO.
-WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
'CAUSE I DON' WANT YOU TO COME.
'CAUSE IT'S
NOT APPROPRIATE.
YOU'RE STUDENTS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME SEE--
YOU KNOW WHAT, NO.
IT'S A VIOLATION OF
HOW WE SHOULD INTERAC AS TEACHERS--
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
REALLY SHORT CLASS
TODAY, OKAY?
WHAT'S WITH THE STICK
UP HIS ASS?
IT'S JUST STAGE FRIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WE WILL GO SEE HIM.
IT'S DECIDED.
WAIT, I'M NOT DECIDED.
OKAY, I'M DECIDED.
I'VE DECIDED
YOU'RE NOT GOING.
LET ME GO TALK TO HIM.
BUDDY? HEY.
HEY.
-YEAH. I GOT A LO ON MY MIND.
WELL, LISTEN.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP
YESTERDAY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THE ASSIGNMENT,
"WHO AM I?"
TYSON'S HOMEWORK.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT NOW.
HEY, I GOT A 4.0
AT CSUN, MAN.
HIGHEST-SCORING OFFICER
IN PHOENIX BATTALION.
NOT FOR DANCING.
NO, I'VE COME UP
WITH A THESIS, MAN.
I JUST NEED
AN EXAMPLE FROM YOU.
-YEAH.
I'M A COMEDIAN, MAN.
THAT'S ALL.
THERE IS AN ASIAN WOMAN THERE
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
HEY. JUST GOTTA TAKE A QUICK
SHOWER BEFORE THE SHOW--
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
-IT'S NOTHING.
-THAT'S YOU TALKING
ABOUT MY GROUP.
BABY, IT'S JUS SOME JOKES.
IS THIS THE STUFF
YOU'RE GONNA DO A THE JUBILEE?
YOU'RE EXPLOITING THEM.
YOU'RE EXPLOITING THEM.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED THEM.
HONEY, I DO LIKE THEM.
LOOK, THIS IS JUS SOME BULLSHIT.
YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN' HURT THEM LIKE THIS.
THEY CAN'T TAKE IT.
THEY TRUST YOU!
THEY SHOULD TRUST ME.
I CAN BELIE--
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
-I HAVE TO CALL TYSON.
-NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T.
STOP!
HONEY, NO, NO.
LET GO.
-WHAT THE FUCK
DO YOU CARE?
-LET GO.
LET GO.
THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
THEY'RE NOT GOOD
FOR THE BABY, OKAY?
ARE YOU STILL
GONNA DO THOSE JOKES?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUDDY.
NAMASTE.
HEY.
WHAT'S THE ORDER?
DON'T YOU WANT TO
CHECK OUT THE CATERING?
WE GOT GLUTEN-FREE NUTMEG
FROM GANDHI'S TANDOORI.
ISN'T ALL NUTMEG
GLUTEN
IT'S GANDHI'S NUTMEG.
HEY, LOOK, CAN YOU JUS TELL ME WHEN I GO UP?
I GOT FOUR BOOKERS
OUT HERE FOR YOU, BUDDY.
-YEAH.
YES. I'LL BE
IN THE GREEN ROOM.
GO GET 'EM.
HEY. DON'T SUCK
TONIGHT, OKAY?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR
BUDDY SOLITAIRE!
TOO FANBOY?
NO, I CAN'T WAI TO SEE HIS FACE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
I RECENTLY TOOK A JOB
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
I TEACH STAND-UP
TO THE INSANE.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
I LEFT MY MEDICATION
AT HOME.
WHEN WERE YOU
SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT?
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO?
I'LL BE FINE, GUYS.
GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THERE IS A CRAZY
ASIAN WOMAN
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
IT LOOKS LIKE SHE
GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH
100 KNIFE-WIELDING MIDGETS
AND LOST.
BUT THE ABSOLUTE
BEST GUY THERE
IS A SCHIZOPHRENIC
BLACK GUY WHO USED
TO WORK AT VONS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
HOW HARD THAT IS?
MY 15-YEAR-OLD COUSIN
IS A GENERAL MANAGER
AT VONS.
I HAVE SEEN A BABY
RUN THE REGISTER
AT VONS.
IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET FIRED FROM VONS,
BUT THEY HAD TO,
BECAUSE WHEN THIS GUY HAS
A SCHIZOPHRENIC BREAK,
HE SHAKES AND
THEN PISSES HIMSELF.
OH!
-YEAH. YEAH.
HE IS LIKE A HUMAN
POLAROID PICTURE WITH
A VERY WEAK BLADDER.
-YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
-GET THE FUCK OFF ME.
IT'S NOT WHA IT LOOKED LIKE.
YEAH, THEN WHA THE HELL WAS IT?
-LET ME TALK TO BUGG.
-FUCK OFF!
-NO, IT'S OKAY.
-NO, NO, NO, NO.
-DON'T MAKE FUN
OF ME NO MORE.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
DON'T TOUCH ME!
-LEAVE HIM ALONE!
-GET THE FUCK OFF ME.
HIT ME AGAIN.
YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZIER
THAN THE REST OF US.
WHAT, "UNKNOWN SOLDIER."
YOU SAVING IT FOR
YOUR GODDAMN FIANCEE?
GOT SOMETHING ELSE
TO SAY
SAY SOMETHING ELSE,
FUNNY MAN.
YES, MISS JACKSON,
YES.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
WE'LL WAIT FOR YOUR
LAWYER'S CALL.
THANK YOU.
BYE.
HOW IS HE?
BUGG'S HAD A SEIZURE.
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
THE SHOW?
YEAH.
HI, UH,
HAVE YOU SEEN VANESSA?
NO, SHE HASN' BEEN HERE ALL DAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST HERE
TO SEE VANESSA...
AND BUGG.
ARE THEY AROUND?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU THINK EVERYTHING
REVOLVES AROUND YOU.
DON'T YOU?
GET THE HELL
OUTTA HERE.
IS THERE ANYTHING
I NEED TO PREPARE?
YEAH, I-- YES,
I WILL BE THERE ON MONDAY.
YES, OKAY, THANK YOU.
HEY. I'VE BEEN
LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WE SHOULD TALK.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
HONEY...
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
I'M GONNA GO STAY ON
MY OWN FOR A FEW DAYS.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S
HAPPENING ON MONDAY?
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
FOR WHAT?
VANESSA...?
"TACO TRUCK" ISN'T STAYING
WITH YOU TONIGHT?
-NO.
-I KNEW I WOULDN'T LAST.
REMEMBER, EVERYBODY'S GONNA
TURN AWAY FROM YOUR SORRY ASS,
BUT HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
YOU TOLD ME
THAT ALREADY.
WHY DO YOU HATE ME, MOM?
DON'T SAY THAT.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU GONNA STAY
WITH ME TONIGHT?
-YEAH.
-HMM.
HI, MOM, HI, DAD.
STOP FILMING, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
HANNA, LET HIM PLAY
WITH THE CAMERA.
FORGET ABOU THE LITTLE RUNT.
HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
YO, BUDDY.
THE FUCK?
BUDDY!
DUDE!
JUST EXERCISING, MAN.
THE FUCK IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU, MAN?
LOOK, I KNOW
IT'S MESSED UP
THAT YOU GOT FIRED
FROM THE COUNSELING CENTER,
BUT YOU GOT WHA YOU WANTED, DIDN'T YOU?
STEPHAN'S
REPRESENTING YOU.
RIGHT.
YOU WANT ME TO CALL
A DOCTOR, OR A SHRINK?
VANESSA WAS GONNA HAVE
A BABY WITH ME.
"WAS"?
YOU NEED TO GET BACK
TO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?
HONESTLY...
YOU WERE THE HAPPIES WHEN YOU WERE TEACHING
THOSE STUDENTS.
TOLD YOU NOT TO
COME BACK HERE.
I REALLY WANT TO
TALK TO BUGG.
"BEING NICE TO BUDDY"
IS NOT HIGH ON MY AGENDA.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO
APOLOGIZE TO HIM, OKAY?
-THAT'S ALL.
-WHATEVERS.
WANT ME TO STALK YOU
FOREVER? I CAN.
I CAN SET UP
AN OFFICE IN HERE.
IN THIS LITTLE MUNCHKIN
OFFICE RIGHT UNDER HERE, HUH?
WHEN THE PHONE'S FOR ME,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
PLEASE, GO.
I GET IT.
I'M PERSONA NON GRATA
AROUND HERE.
NOT ANY BETTER
AT BASKETBALL, HUH?
YOU KNOW, THEY HAD TO
UP MY MEDICATION.
I'M SORRY.
THEY DOUBLED IT.
I HATE TAKING THAT STUFF.
MAKES ME THROW UP.
I SHOULD GO.
"POLAROID PICTURE"?
I TRUSTED YOU.
-I TRUSTED YOU!
-I KNOW.
YOU TREATED ME JUST LIKE
THE REST OF 'EM, MAN.
IF YOU NEVER WANT TO
SEE ME AGAIN, I GET THAT.
YOU'RE GOOD, BUGG.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
DON'T LET THE FAC THAT I'M A PIECE OF SHI TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.
BUDDY, I NEED YOU.
COMING.
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT THE HELL?
-I THOUGH I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!
-LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA.
JUST DON'T GIVE ME
THE "WRATH OF KHAN"
FOR JUST ONE SECOND
AND LISTEN TO ME.
-THESE STUDENTS
ARE GOOD AT COMEDY.
YOU SHOULD DO A SHOW.
YOU DO IT HERE.
YOU INVITE THEIR FAMILY.
YOU INVITE THEIR FRIENDS.
LOOK, THEY GET SOME LAUGHS,
IT'LL FEEL GREAT,
BELIEVE ME.
IT'S GOOD FOR SOCIAL SKILLS
WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED--
BACK OFF!
I WON'T BE AROUND.
-YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL THINK
ABOUT IT, OKAY?
THANK YOU.
STOP FUCKING
CALLING ME, MOM.
WE ALL KNOW HIM.
DOING TWO SETS TONIGHT,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
HEY, BUDDY.
I RECENTLY TOOK A JOB
TEACHING STAND-UP COMEDY
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
HI.
GOD, I LOVE COMEDIANS.
I LOVE "CHUCKLE FUCKERS."
OKAY, WHATEVER.
WAIT, I AM GONNA
GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.
-I'M GONNA LET YOU.
-OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHA YOU GOT IN HERE.
-OH, YEAH.
-STOP.
YOU GOTTA HAVE
SOMETHIN' BETTER TO DO.
-COME ON.
-SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.
-NO, I'M REALLY
GOOD AT THIS.
-I'M SURE YOU ARE.
IT WILL BE BETTER
FOR YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
GO.
COME ON, UP.
GO.
-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.
-OKAY, YOUR DAD'S GONNA
THANK ME FOR THIS.
DON'T YOU TALK
ABOUT MY DADDY.
-'COURSE IT'S FAKE.
TYSON, HI.
YOU HAD A GOOD IDEA
ABOUT THE SHOW.
OH, THANKS.
THEY'RE TELLING JOKES
ABOUT THEIR LIVES.
IT'S QUITE INSPIRING.
HEY, TELL 'EM
I SAID HELLO, OKAY?
-OF COURSE. THANK YOU.
-BYE.
LET'S HEAR
"POLAROID PICTURE"!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO.
QUITE THE EXIT, HOUDINI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-GO HOME, MOM.
-COME HOME WITH ME.
I'LL FIX YOU DINNER.
-I CAN'T BE DAD ANYMORE.
-WHO YOU GONNA BE, THEN,
FREUD?
I GOTTA PAY YOU
BY THE HOUR?
YOU'VE BEEN TAKING THIS
OUT ON ME FOR YEARS.
-IT'S FUCKED UP, MOM.
-YOU WANT TO SEE
FUCKED UP?
YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT,
YOU SWEAT FECES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
NO ONE EVER
WANTED YOU AROUND.
NO ONE!
YOU WERE WORSE THAN
A GIRL BABY IN CHINA!
YEAH.
YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.
YOU'RE SO UGLY THA WHEN YOU WERE BORN,
YOUR MAMA NAMED YOU
"SHIT HAPPENS."
-NO!
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOU.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
-I LOVE YOU.
-I KNOW.
OH, PLEASE DON' LEAVE ME, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
SURE YOU WANT TO
DO THIS, BABY?
YES, MA'AM.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU KNOW
I'M PROUD OF YOU, RIGHT?
I CAN'T WAIT.
HI THERE, HI THERE.
I AM TYSON YEE.
YOU KNOW ME AS
THE HEAD COUNSELOR HERE,
AND I WILL BE
YOUR HOST TONIGHT.
OH, WELCOME TO MAPLE HILL'S
BIG SHOW!
NO PRESSURE.
UP FIRST, WE HAVE ZOE.
UH, I'M NOT VERY
GOOD AT JOKES,
BUT HERE GOES.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR.
NOW I NEED A DOCTOR.
SOMETIMES WHEN I
TELL PEOPLE
I DID DEMOLITIONS
IN THE MILITARY
THEY'RE LIKE,
"WOW, WAS IT FUN?"
AND I'M LIKE,
"FUN?
I DEFUSED BOMBS ALL DAY.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO BE
DOING IS HAVING A BLAST."
I HAVE EXTREME ANXIETY.
SO I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
IN FRONT OF A CROWD.
BUT I'M EVEN MORE
NERVOUS IN FRONT OF
THESE CROOKED LIGHTS.
FIRST JOKE, PERSONAL.
MY EX-HUSBAND BEAT ME
AND MY DAUGHTER.
PAIN.
IT HURTS.
SECOND JOKE, PERSONAL.
I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND.
PAIN.
I BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE.
UP NEXT, WE HAVE OUR VERY OWN
BUFORD "BUGG" JACKSON.
YOU GOT THIS.
I-- I'M BUGG.
-I'M SORRY, SORRY. SORRY.
HEY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
JUST GE YOUR FIRST JOKE OFF.
IT'S OKAY.
I INVITED HIM.
I USED TO BE ASHAMED
OF BEING DIFFERENT.
BUT NOW I'M NOT.
I HAVE TWO VOICES
IN MY HEAD.
ANY MORE AND WE'D BE
A WALKING GANG.
ONE IS THE MOS INTIMIDATING BLACK DUDE
THAT YOU'LL EVER MEE IN YOUR LIFE,
AND THE OTHER IS A 70-YEAR-OLD
CHURCH WHITE LADY.
SO I'M PRETTY MUCH COVERED
FOR ANY SITUATION
THAT YOU CAN
POSSIBLY THINK OF.
IF SOMEBODY CUTS ME OFF
IN TRAFFIC,
THE BLACK DUDE
IS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY!
FORGET YOU, MAN!
OL' JIVE TURKEY.
YOU SEE THIS BICYCLE."
AND IF I'M EVER
GROCERY SHOPPING,
THE WHITE CHURCH LADY PRETTY
MUCH HAS ME COVERED WITH,
"EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I KNOW YOU'RE BLIND, SO YOU
PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE THE LINE,
BUT IT STARTS BEHIND ME.
THANK YOU.
GOTTA GET THIS WINE
TO CHURCH COMMUNION."
THANK YOU.
YOU WANT TO DO
A SET?
OH, NO, NO.
I'M GOOD, THANKS.
COME ON.
WHO AM I?
WHAT'S HE DOING?
OUR ASSIGNMENT, DUMMY.
I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
I'M HANNA BALES'S SON.
MY MOTHER WAS MY HERO
GROWING UP.
I PROBABLY WATCHED
HER "LETTERMAN" SE THOUSANDS OF TIMES.
WHICH IS ABOU HOW MANY TIMES THIS WEEK
SHE'S CALLED ME
"A COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT."
THE PHYSICAL ABUSE
WAS BAD.
SHE WAS EITHER
HITTING ME TOO HARD
OR HUGGING ME TOO CLOSE.
WE'RE KIND OF LIKE
NORMA AND NORMAN BATES
FROM "PSYCHO"...
EXCEPT WE NEVER HAD
A FUNCTIONING SHOWER.
SHE'S MY MOM.
THE ONLY FAMILY I GOT.
SO WHATEVER I FEEL
FOR HER,
I REALIZE I GOTTA LE A LOT OF THAT SHIT GO,
BECAUSE IF I DON' I'M NOT GONNA MAKE ANY ROOM
IN THE FUTURE
TO MEET--
TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.
AND THAT HAS BEEN
AWESOME, GUYS.
I TRULY MEAN THIS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S SO NICE, SO--
EXCUSE ME, SORRY.
VANESSA, PLEASE.
TALK TO ME.
THAT WAS GREAT.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
THAT MEANS A LOT.
BUDDY, WE DON'T WORK.
-WE JUST DON'T.
-THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE CAN'T FIX EACH OTHER.
I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.
OKAY?
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
GOODBYE.
OKAY.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
ONE MORE TIME FOR ALL
YOUR COMICS TONIGHT, HUH?
ENTHUSIASTIC CROWD.
I LOVE IT.
EXCITED TO BE HERE.
IT'S MIDNIGH ON A TUESDAY,
SO ALL OF US
ARE BIG WINNERS, HUH?
SO I'M FROM KANSAS,
WHERE WE HAVE A SPECIAL NAME
FOR A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL
WHO'S FASTER
THAN HER BROTHERS--
A VIRGIN.
OKAY. OKAY.
NOT MUCH OF A THINKING CROWD
TONIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
-OH, I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU EXPECTING
AN IMPORTANT CALL?
WHY DON'T YOU JUS GET OFF THE STAGE?
WHY DON'T YOU GET BACK
TO YOUR PHONE CALL?
FUCK YOU.
GREAT.
RIGHT HERE, IN FRON OF ALL THESE PEOPLE?
YOU WANT ME TO JUS FUCK YOU ON THIS STAGE?
THAT'LL BE FUN
FOR NOBODY TO WATCH.
THAT'S MY TIME.
HEY DUDE, LISTEN TO THIS JOKE
I GOT YESTERDAY, OKAY?
REALLY?
-NOW COME ON,
JUST ONE JOKE.
-ONE.
-ALL RIGHT,
HERE WE GO.
SO, IN HISTORY CLASS
THEY ASKED US,
"WHAT'S INDIA'S CONTRIBUTION
TO THE MODERN WORLD?"
I SAID, "TECH SUPPORT."
-OKAY, SO, YOU'RE
IN HISTORY CLASS,
YOU'RE A 25-YEAR-OLD.
WHY ARE YOU STILL
IN HISTORY CLASS?
DUDE, IT'S THE JOKE, OKAY?
IT'S A 40-WORD JOKE.
-I GET IT.
THE PUNCH LINE'S
GOTTA COME FASTER.
-IT'S TWO SENTENCES!
-GET THERE FASTER.
OKAY, BROWN MAN LISTEN.
BROWN MAN GRAB HIS IPAD.
HEY, DO YOU ACTUALLY
DO TECH SUPPORT?
'CAUSE I HAVE A VIRUS
ON MY COMPUTER.
TOO MUCH PORN, AND BROWN MAN
SAYS "FUCK YOU."
-OH, NICE.
-MM-HMM.
I DO LIKE HOW YOU USE
THAT INDIAN THING, THOUGH.
KEEP DOING THAT.
MAKE IT YOUR OWN.
MY GURU HAS SPOKEN.
WE'RE DOING YOGA TODAY.
YOU KNOW I DON' UNDERSTAND CHINESE.
COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT HELPING
EITHER ONE OF US.
MISS LIAO--
MAN, GET OFF THE STAGE.
THANK YOU, I WILL,
WHEN I'M DONE.
YOU SUCK.
-I APPRECIATE THAT.
JUST TELL SOME JOKES!
GREAT, YES,
MORE PLEASE, PLEASE.
GET OFF STAGE!
-I WILL, I GOT THREE MINUTES,
SO I GUESS WE'RE GONNA WAIT,
AND I'LL JUST DO THIS.
THIS HOW WE'RE GONNA
SPEND YOUR TIME, GUYS?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CELEBRATING AFTER
ANOTHER GREAT SHOW.
DON'T YOU THINK
YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH?
NO.
I'M FINE.
OKAY.
PHEW.
-GOOD MORNING.
-HI.
HEY, THANKS FOR STOPPING ME
BEFORE I RUINED
THE OL' MONEYMAKER.
SURE.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND
A LITTLE LESS TIME
WITH HANNA.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
IT'S JUS HER WHOLE ENERGY.
MAYBE IT'S
RUBBING OFF ON YOU.
WE'RE TALKING ENERGY NOW.
DO YOU WANT ME
TO GRAB YOUR TAROT CARDS?
WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT I IF YOU DON'T WANT.
SORRY.
JUST, I'M NOT SURE I CAN TAKE
ANOTHER BAD SHOW.
AND I KNOW MY FACE CAN'T.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU LOVE COMEDY.
RIGHT,
IT'S IN MY BLOOD.
HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
YES, IRWIN SCHWARTZ
IS UP THERE.
I'M GONNA DO A SET WITH HIM.
WE GO WAY BACK.
UH-HUH.
I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING
ABOUT THIS.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO
PAY JULIE AT THE DOOR
FOR YOUR TICKET, YEAH?
DO YOU KNOW
WHO I AM?
I DO, HANNA,
BUT IT'S NOT 1983 ANYMORE,
SO JUST GO PAY
FOR YOUR TICKET.
YOU DO NOT TALK
TO ME LIKE THAT.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE PRICK?
OKAY, NAME CALLING.
-WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO--
-DO NOT TOUCH ME.
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
-I AM A LEGEND.
-OKAY, OKAY.
-I AM A FUCKING LEGEND!
-WE HAVE A LEGEND
WHO'S CRAZY.
COME ON,
EXIT STAGE RIGHT, LEGEND.
HERE WE GO.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
HERE WE GO.
THERE'S THE DOOR.
HERE WE GO.
OW, THAT'S NICE.
LET'S GO, LET'S GO.
BYE-BYE NOW.
BYE-BYE.
WHOO!
SHIT.
HEY, HONEY.
HEY, I'M GLAD YOU CALLED.
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THIS MORNING.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I LEFT MY ANXIETY PILLS
AT YOUR PLACE.
OH, YOU DON'T NEED
THAT STUFF.
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THEM
FOREVER, YOU KNOW.
I KNOW! I KNOW.
I SEE 'EM.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER,
ALL RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
I'M COMING.
-HEY, MA.
-HI.
I HEAR YOUR LETTERMAN SET.
[FAINT TV AUDIO
PLAYING]
-YOU HAD NO FEAR.
-HA!
YOU WOULD BE KILLING I IF YOU WENT UP TODAY.
THEY DON'T FUCKING
DESERVE ME.
SLOW DOWN WITH
THESE, ALL RIGHT?
THEY GIVE YOU CANCER.
I'LL EAT CANCER.
HEY, I GOT THIS JOKE
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
IT'S THIS PUN THING
THAT IS GOING TO KILL--
I WAS DONE WITH PUNS
WHEN REAGAN WAS PRESIDENT.
-HEY, GIVE IT BACK.
-NO.
AW, DID I HUR LITTLE BUDDY'S FEELINGS?
HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
LOOK, MOM, I JUST COULD USE
SOME HELP WITH MY SET.
WELL, I REALLY THINK
YOU SHOULD GIVE IT UP.
THANK YOU.
MAYBE I WILL.
THEN YOU'LL HAVE MORE TIME
TO SPEND WITH YOUR MOTHER.
-I HAVE TO GO
PICK UP VANESSA.
-VANESSA'S A CUNT!
-OH, GOD DAMN IT, MOM.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO
TALK LIKE THAT?
YOU WANT ME
TO KILL MYSELF?
-NO.
-I WILL SHOOT MY
FUCKING BRAINS OU AND YOU CAN
JUST RUN AWAY WITH
YOUR LITTLE MEXICAN BITCH
AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
I JUST HAVE TO GO.
FUCKING ASSHOLE.
I HAD MY KNIVES AND SPOONS
JUST LIKE I WANTED I YESTERDAY.
SOMEBODY MOVED THEM.
WE'LL GET THEM RIGHT BACK
TO WHERE THEY WERE, OKAY?
YOU NEED TO
DO IT RIGHT NOW.
-YEAH, DO IT RIGHT NOW.
-ZOE. THAT'S NOT NICE.
WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME
AND NOT AT MISS LIAO?
NO, I NEED IT THE RIGHT WAY
FOR MY CHICKEN SALAD.
-OH, IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
-NO, I NEED TO GO
TO THE KITCHEN.
'CAUSE I NEED ANOTHER
ONE OF THESE.
OLIVER, I NEED YOU
TO SIT DOWN.
NO, BUT SEE, HOW I HAVE I IS IT GOES
CHICKEN SALAD, CHICKEN SALAD,
CHICKEN SALAD--
WOW, YOU MUST BE
REALLY HUNGRY.
YOU DIDN'T BRING ME
MY CHICKEN SALAD EITHER?
NO, I'M SORRY, ANOTHER
WAITER HAS YOUR SECTION.
-I WAS AT MY MOM'S.
HEY, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
I HAVE TO GO TO
THE BATHROOM.
-YEAH.
CAN'T BE ANY WORSE
THAN MY IRVINE AUDIENCE.
HEY YOU, YOU NEW
TO MAPLE HILLS?
UH, NO, NO.
I COULD BE.
I'M AN INSOMNIAC,
HYPOCHONDRIAC,
-HUGE MEGALOMANIAC.
SERIOUSLY.
OH. I'M VANESSA'S
BOYFRIEND, BUDDY.
-ARE YOU A
SOCIAL WORKER?
-NO.
NO, BUT THANK YOU
FOR THINKING I COULD BE.
I'M A COMEDIAN, GUYS.
I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK.
TRY THE SHRIMP.
WE HAVE SHRIMP HERE?
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THE MENU IS.
YOU KNOW IT'S NOT NICE
TO MAKE FUN OF US.
YEAH, LOOK, I'M NO MAKING FUN OF YOU GUYS.
I GET WHAT IT'S LIKE
BEING HERE, THOUGH.
SOCIAL WORKERS, SHRINKS.
EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE
CRAZY, RIGHT?
IT'S LIKE BEING
AT HOME WITH YOUR MOM,
EXCEPT SHE PROBABLY
DOESN'T MAKE YOU KISS HER.
KIDDING.
YOU GOT A VERY
MAD CAT AT HOME?
I'M SORRY, DOES ONE OF YOU
TRANSLATE FOR HER?
ALL I GOT WAS
"IS SOME"
OKAY, TOO MUCH!
ALL RIGHT, TOO FAR, TOO FAR.
I WANT MY CHICKEN SALAD!
MAN, THAT IS YOUR FOURTH
CHICKEN SALAD.
DO YOU REALLY
EAT THAT MUCH?
HEY, I'M BACK.
SO AM I.
WHAT WAS THAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN,
HE'S JUST SOME JERK.
CHICKEN SALAD...
VANESSA'S CLASS IS GOING
TO BE MY NEW SPARK.
WRITING ABOUT THESE WEIRDOS
IS GOING TO GET ME
INTO THE JUBILEE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT JOKE
I GAVE YOU,
THE ONE ABOU MY COUSIN PATEL?
-THAT WAS SOME BAD SHIT.
-YEAH, THAT WAS
SOME BAD SHIT.
-HEY.
-LOOK, IF I WIN
THE JUBILEE,
THAT'S GONNA TURN
EVERYTHING AROUND.
AND STEPHAN MARTIN
IS RUNNING IT THIS YEAR.
THAT FREAK WOULD LOVE
A SHOW ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?
YEAH, YEAH!
I MEAN ,LOOK, COMEDY IS
HALF INSANE ANYWAY, RIGHT?
-LOOK AT US TWO ASSHOLES.
-I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE.
YOU ARE
KIND OF AN ASSHOLE.
LOOK, IT JUS SEEMS LIKE A LOT,
OKAY, FOR SOME NEW JOKES?
LOOK, I GOTTA TRY SOMETHING
DIFFERENT, OKAY?
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR 15 YEARS.
SOMETHIN'S GOTTA CHANGE.
SIR!
SIR, EXCUSE ME.
HI, YES.
YES, YOU, SIR. YEAH.
HI. IS THIS THE PLACE
THAT STEPHAN MARTIN
DOES HIS HIPPIE-DIPPY
BULLSHIT?
BY "HIPPIE-DIPPY
BULLSHIT," YOU MEAN
MEDITATION?
-YEAH, I THINK SO.
I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
CAN YOU TELL STEPHAN
THAT BUDDY'S GO A BRAND NEW BAG, OKAY?
LIKE JAMES BROWN?
BUDDY GOT A BRAND
NEW BAG, WHA-AA!
NO, IT'S NOT A GREA IMPRESSION
AND YOU CLEARLY
AREN'T A MUSIC FAN.
-I LIKE CHANTING.
-AWESOME.
TELL STEPHAN
IT'S CALLED "THE CRAZY SHOW"
AND THAT IT TOTALLY KICKS ASS,
YOU GOT THAT?
I'LL MAKE SURE
TO LET HIM KNOW.
OKAY.
DON'T FORGET, BALDY.
PSST.
AMAZING PAJAMAS.
IT IS NICE.
I LOVE NATURE.
NO, YOU DON'T.
THAT'S TRUE.
ACTUALLY, I THINK
IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS.
HEY...
WHOA.
WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
-YOU'RE GORGEOUS.
ACTUALLY I FOUND
A FLOWER OVER THERE.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW
MAPLE HILL IS LOOKING
FOR THAT NEW AFTERNOON
ACTIVITIES INSTRUCTOR?
-I'M YOUR GUY.
YES. I'M GONNA
TEACH 'EM STAND-UP
AND SKETCH, IMPROV.
LOOK, I REALLY LIKED
THAT GROUP YESTERDAY.
ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT THE SAME PEOPLE?
YEAH.
WELL, THEY'RE...
CHARMING.
LOOK, I KNOW IT'S JUS AFTERNOON WORKSHOPS,
BUT THESE PEOPLE
HAVE REAL PROBLEMS.
I MEAN, YEAH, IT'S
A COUNSELING CENTER,
NOT A PSYCH WARD,
BUT THEY NEED
A SPECIALIST.
I'M AS SPECIAL
AS THEY COME.
WE ALREADY HIRED SOMEONE.
MR. RICKLES IS GONNA DO
A DEEP MOVEMENT WORKSHOP.
OKAY, LOOK, ANYBODY
NAMED MR. RICKLES DESERVES
TO BE FIRED, ONE,
AND TWO, WHAT THE HELL
IS A "DEEP MOVEMENT"
WORKSHOP?
-IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR JOINTS.
-BABY, COME ON, PLEASE.
I'M JUST ASKING YOU TO
PUT IN A GOOD WORD, OKAY?
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
ON MY SIDE.
I NEED THIS.
I'LL SEE
WHAT I CAN DO.
-THANK YOU.
-YOU'RE WELCOME.
MM-HMM.
UH-OH.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TAUGH WORKSHOPS BEFORE.
OH, REALLY?
WHERE?
-BAKERSFIELD.
-BAKERSFIELD.
MM-HMM.
YOU DON'T HAVE
YOUR CERTIFICATE, DO YOU?
PAPERWORK?
COME ON, WHO NEEDS THAT?
ME.
LOOK, I DON'T HAVE
A PH.D. LIKE YOU.
-MM-HMM.
-BUT I CAN STILL BE VERY
USEFUL TO THIS PSYCH WARD.
THIS IS NO A PSYCH WARD.
THIS IS
A COUNSELING CENTER.
SORRY.
UH...
I CAN BE VERY USEFUL
TO YOUR COUNSELING CENTER.
BUT HONESTLY, IT'S KINDA
"TOMATOES-TOMAHTOES,"
RIGHT?
JUST KIDDING.
YOU GOT THE JOB.
THOUGHT YOU'D APPRECIATE THAT,
BEING A COMEDIAN, HMM?
YEAH, THAT'S--
I'LL HAVE TO REMEMBER
THAT INTERVIEW STYLE.
WELL, THE VANESSA GROUP
DOESN'T NEED THERAPY
AS MUCH AS SOCIAL SKILLS,
BUT COMEDY,
COMEDY WILL TAKE
CARE OF THAT, HUH?
-COMEDY.
-HIGH FIVE.
-OKAY.
-YEAH.
-FIST BUMP.
-ALL RIGHT.
-AH-HH!
LET'S GO MEE THE GROUP.
-YES!
GUYS, GUYS.
LISTEN UP, LISTEN UP.
-THIS IS BUDDY.
-HI.
I HEAR YOU ALREADY MET.
OKAY... WELL.
I'LL LEAVE I UP TO YOU, THEN, HUH?
GOOD LUCK.
WELL, I DIDN'T EXPEC TO BE STARTING TODAY,
BUT... HERE WE ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK HERE?
THANK YOU,
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU TOO.
GUYS, I'M YOUR NEW
AFTERNOON ACTIVITIES
INSTRUCTOR.
SERIOUSLY,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WHOA. I'M JUST HERE
TO TEACH YOU GUYS
COMEDY, OKAY?
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH YOU
SOME FUCKIN' MANNERS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T WE JUS GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
A LITTLE BIT FIRST?
LET'S GET INTO A SEMI-CIRCLE
SO BRING YOUR CHAIRS IN.
COULD YOU BRING THEM CLOSER?
COME IN A LITTLE BIT?
THERE YOU GO.
THAT'S THE EFFOR I'M LOOKING FOR.
IF YOU COULD JUS SCOOT IN?
COULD YOU JUS TAKE YOUR CHAIR AND...
OKAY.
WHY DON'T I BEGIN?
UH, MY NAME IS BUDDY.
I'M A COMEDIAN,
AND I WANT TO BE FAMOUS,
BUT SINCE I'M HERE,
CLEARLY I'M NOT.
I DRINK A LOT,
I GET HIGH EVEN MORE OFTEN.
SOME DAYS I SLEEP
FOR 18 STRAIGHT HOURS.
UH... OKAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
TELL ME YOUR NAMES
AND WHAT BRAND
OF CRAZY YOU GOT?
UM, EXCUSE YOU?
SORRY, WHAT'S YOUR
MENTAL ILLNESS?
MY, UH,
MY NAME IS BUFORD.
BUT EVERYBODY
CALLS ME "BUGG."
I WORKED AT VONS
ON SUNSET AND VERMONT,
BEFORE I STARTED
SEEING THE GHOST.
OH, LIKE BRUCE WILLIS
IN "THE SIXTH SENSE"?
NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?
ELLIOT GOMES.
PHOENIX BATTALION.
OH, YEAH?
WHERE WERE YOU?
-AFGHANISTAN.
-I HEAR THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
"BEAUTIFUL"?
WHAT ARE YOU,
A FUCKIN' MORON?
MOST PEOPLE
WOULD SAY YES.
OLIVER!
NICE TO SEE YOU, BUDDY.
HOW LONG DO
WE HAVE TO BE HERE?
VANESSA SAID
WE'D BE DOING YOGA.
YOU'RE NOT THE YOGA TEACHER.
WHERE'S MY CHICKEN SALAD?
CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
ONCE YOU FINISH
A CHICKEN SALAD,
HOW LONG UNTIL THEY BRING YOU
THAT NEXT CHICKEN SALAD?
I NEVER GE A CHICKEN SALAD.
AND YET YOU KEEP ASKING.
-HELLO.
-HI, MY NAME'S ZOE.
AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?
BECAUSE MY PARENTS
ARE PIECES OF SHIT.
RESPECTFUL.
THAT IS WHAT I LIKE MOS ABOUT THE YOUTH OF TODAY.
MISS LIAO.
DON'T WANNA TALK
TO YOU.
OKAY, "BRADY BUNCH."
LET'S BEGIN.
GUYS, I WANT YOU
TO THINK OF ME AS THE
COOL TEACHER, OKAY?
WE ARE JUST GONNA
STRAIGHT CHILLAX.
"CHILLAX"?
YEAH, YOU KNOW, RELAX,
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
HANG OUT,
TELL OUR STORIES.
THAT STUFF IS VERY
HEALING, GUYS.
SO, WHAT MAKES YOU
SO SPECIAL?
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE
CALL ME SPECIAL.
I DON'T WANT TO
TELL YOU SHIT, DUDE.
FINE.
WE'LL JUST SIT HERE
IN SILENCE.
SHOW US SOME COMEDY.
EXCUSE ME?
MISS LIAO
LOVES COMEDY.
REALLY?
OKAY.
YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.
ALL RIGHT, UH, WELL,
A JOKE COMES IN TWO PARTS.
YOU GOT YOUR SETUP,
AND YOU GOT YOUR PUNCH LINE.
"KNOCK KNOCK."
"WHO'S THERE?"
"JUSTIN."
"JUSTIN WHO?"
THAT'S YOUR SETUP.
BUT THE PUNCH LINE,
THAT'S WHERE YOU GE YOUR LAUGH.
"JUSTIN TIME FOR DINNER."
I'VE SEEN SUICIDE BOMBERS
THAT ARE FUNNIER THAN YOU.
-I THOUGHT YOU
WERE A COMEDIAN.
-NO, GUYS,
THAT'S AN EXAMPLE
OF JOKE STRUCTURE.
LOOK, OKAY, LOOK.
I WILL GIVE YOU A REAL JOKE
FROM MY ACT.
WE'LL USE THIS.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
SO I LOST MY VIRGINITY
TO A FRENCH GIRL.
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE LEARNING
TO DRIVE ON A PORSCHE--
-BORING!
-HOW DO YOU KNOW
IT'S BORING?
I HAVEN'T FINISHED
THE JOKE YET.
MY MOTHER'S FRENCH, DUDE.
WELL, SHE MIGHT LIKE
A JOKE ABOUT HER.
YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING
REMOTELY FUNNY!
YOU GUYS GOTTA
LET ME FINISH.
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE PUNCH LINE.
REALLY HARD TO
GET A JOKE OUT--
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
FORGET IT, FORGET IT.
LET'S JUST WATCH
A VIDEO, OKAY?
LET'S WATCH
A VIDEO TOGETHER.
WE'LL WATCH VIDEOS.
OH, LOOK, IT'S JERRY SEINFELD.
LOW EFFORT FOR
EVERYBODY INVOLVED,
INCLUDING JERRY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENED TO THE FRENCH GIRL?
DON'T THINK ABOU THE FRENCH GIRL, BUGG.
HEY, STEPHAN, IT'S BUDDY.
DID YOU GET MY MESSAGE
FROM THAT HARE KRISHNA?
ANYWAY, I HAD TO SLEEP
WITH ALL OF YOUR ASSISTANTS
TO GET THIS DIRECT NUMBER,
INCLUDING DAVE, WHO IS
A GREAT LAY,
SO YOU KNOW,
CALL ME BACK, MAN.
THANKS.
OKAY, GUYS,
HELL OF A FIRST DAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, HEY, BUDDY.
HEY... I WANNA LEARN
ABOUT PUNCH LINES.
OH YEAH?
YOU SURE YOU'RE
NOT AN EMISSARY
SENT FROM THAT HORDE
HERE TO ATTACK ME?
OH, NO, MAN.
THIS IS ALL JUS REALLY NEW TO THEM.
WHAT'S WITH "CHINESE
CHUCKLES" IN THERE?
KIND OF AN INTENSE WOMAN
FOR A WORKSHOP.
YEAH, MISS LIAO IS
TYSON'S YOUNGER COUSIN.
SO?
WELL, HE MANAGED
TO GET HER HERE
INSTEAD OF A ROOM
AT STATE.
SHE WAS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE
OR SOMETHING.
HER HUSBAND UP IN FRESNO
USED TO HIT HER.
A LOT.
SHE BURNED HIS HOUSE DOWN.
PULLED A "LEFT EYE."
YEAH, I NEVER THOUGH ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
-YEAH.
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
MY MOM WOULDN'T ALLOW ANY
CUSSIN' IN THE HOUSE.
I MEAN, YOU COULDN' WATCH ANYTHING.
BUT ME AND MY OLDER BROTHER
USED TO SNEAK "DELIRIOUS"
DOWN IN THE BASEMENT.
MY MOM SAID "FUCK"
ALL THE TIME, SO...
"DELIRIOUS"
IS GREAT, THOUGH.
HOW ABOUT YOU, MAN?
YOU GOT JOKES?
YEAH, YEAH, MAN.
I GOT A BOOK FULL OF 'EM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
NEXT TIME I'M HERE,
YOU BRING 'EM, WE'LL GO
OVER 'EM TOGETHER, OKAY?
YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'D BE GREAT.
THAT'D BE GREAT, MAN.
HEY, BUDDY?
YOU GET TO MISS LIAO,
EVERYBODY ELSE
FALLS IN LINE.
THANKS, MAN.
COME ON. COME ON.
COME ON.
THIS IS YOUR IDEA.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I KNOW.
I THOUGHT I WAS
IN BETTER SHAPE.
NO, I COULD'VE
TOLD YOU OTHERWISE.
-ALL RIGHT, WELL.
-SEE, YOU SHOULD GO
WORK OUT WITH ME.
-I WORK OUT.
I CALL IT DRINKING AND--
NOT EATING RIGHT.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
-THANK YOU.
-I DID THIS ALL MYSELF.
WHY DO YOU
PUT UP WITH ME?
I ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS
AND YOU ACCEPT MINE.
YEAH, BUT YOU
DON'T HAVE ANY.
EXCEPT MY TERRIBLE
TASTE IN MEN.
-HEY, THAT IS ME.
-IT IS YOU.
-OH.
-MM-HMM.
WHAT'S THAT?
I HAVE SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
OKAY.
I'M PREGNANT.
-THAT'S A GOOD JOKE.
-IT'S NOT A JOKE.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S--
THIS IS GREAT NEWS,
SWEETIE.
THIS IS-- FUCK.
THIS IS GREAT.
I...
WHY AREN'T YOU HAPPIER?
I MEAN, THE TWO OF US
ARE A MESS.
WE CAN BARELY
TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES.
ANOTHER PERSON?
HONEY, YOU'RE GONNA BE
AN AMAZING MOM.
-I CAN TRY BREASTFEEDING.
BABY, I'M GONNA GE INTO THE JUBILEE, OKAY?
AND THEN EVERYTHING
IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
TURN AROUND FOR US.
I PROMISE.
NEXT TIME, WARN ME BEFORE
YOU AND YOUR LITTLE "CHURRO"
DECIDE TO SPRING THIS
KINDA NEWS ON ME.
-THIS IS SUPPOSED TO
BE A GOOD THING, MA.
MAYBE IF YOU PEOPLE
BELIEVED IN THE USE
OF CONDOMS.
-LISTEN, DARLING, DON' LET HER TEAR US APART.
-PLEASE, STOP IT.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM ME?
ALL YOU DO IS INSULT HIM.
YEAH, WELL, I CAN DO THAT.
HE'S MY GODDAMNED SON.
OKAY, GUYS, WE DON'T WANT TO
WAKE THE KOREAN NEIGHBORS--
WE HAVE A BOND.
A BOND OF REAL FAMILY.
A BOND OF COMEDY.
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU HAVE,
FUCK FACE?
-BUDDY, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER.
-SHE SAID SHE'S GONNA STOP.
-I NEVER SAID THAT.
-YOU NEED TO CHECK
YOUR MOTHER.
-CHECK YOURSELF
OUT THE DOOR!
-THANKS, MOM.
-WAIT.
-BYE!
I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM.
IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN,
.
WE'RE IN AMERICA.
DO NOT MAKE FUN OF BUGG.
DON'T TELL ME
WHAT TO DO!
JESUS!
ARGH!
CAREFUL, YOU'RE GONNA
SNAP HER IN HALF.
AMERICAN KIDS
HAVE NO RESPECT.
I KNOW.
I WAS ONE OF THEM.
-NO.
HOW DO YOU SAY "PAIN"
IN YOUR LANGUAGE?
"TONG."
BURNING DOWN HOUSES,
SCARING THE LIVING SHI OUT OF PEOPLE?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE
A LOTTA "TONG."
VANESSA TOLD ME
YOU HAD A DAUGHTER.
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
I LIKE KIDS.
THEY'RE GREAT.
ALL SQUISHY,
THEY'RE CUTE.
THEIR HEADS SMELL AMAZING.
I BET YOUR DAUGHTER
WOULD LOVE I IF YOU JUST TRIED
ONE OF THESE DONUTS.
I TOLD YOU TO
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
-I DON'T KNOW WHA THAT MEANS.
MEANS "ASSHOLE."
OH, SO, I'M
A DOUBLE ASSHOLE?
EH, THESE ARE FINE.
HELLO, EVERYONE!
I COME BEARING GIFTS.
GET EXCITED, PEOPLE,
BECAUSE THESE BAD BOYS
ARE FRESH
AND THEY ARE WARM.
THAT'LL DISTURB MY DIGESTION.
IT'LL GIVE ME THE RUNS.
VERY, VERY WATERY POO.
THANKS FOR TALKING
ABOUT YOUR SHITS.
DR. YEE DOESN'T LIKE
OUTSIDE FOOD IN HERE.
IT'S JUST DONUTS, OKAY?
THOSE ARE FULL
OF SUGAR AND CARBS.
THAT'S WHAT GOES
INTO DONUTS.
MOMMY AND DADDY
WON'T LET YOU HAVE
THE GOOD STUFF EITHER?
-SHUT YOUR MOUTH, RETARD!
WHOA, WHOA!
GUYS, WE DON'T NEED
ANOTHER "DANGEROUS MINDS."
IT'S ALL GOOD.
SO YOU DO LIKE DONUTS.
SEE, EVERYONE?
MISS LIAO LIKES DONUTS.
OUR TEACHER
IS TRYING VERY HARD.
YES, I AM.
-THIRSTY.
-GREAT.
WATER.
YOU'D BETTER GET THAT WATER.
MISS LIAO DOES NOT ASK TWICE.
OKAY, I WILL BE BACK.
FUCKIN' PEOPLE.
DOOR'S LOCKED.
AH.
MUCH APPRECIATED.
HEY, GUYS,
I KNOW IT'S COMMON.
I LOCKED MYSELF
OUT OF MY ROOM,
SO, UH, WHAT DO WE DO
IN THAT SITUATION?
TOUCHE.
YOUR WATER, PRECIOUS.
GREAT, NOW I CAN
CHECK "GETTING HAZED
BY THE MENTALLY ILL"
OFF MY BUCKET LIST.
GET EXCITED, CLASS.
WE'RE ABOUT TO HAVE
A HUGE LESSON,
'CAUSE TODAY WE'RE LEARNING
ABOUT THE HISTORY...
OF COMEDY.
ANY QUESTIONS?
YOU'RE WORSE
THAN MY COUSIN TAN.
HE WAS RETARDED.
...MASTURBATING
THIS MORNING,
AND ON MY WAY HERE,
IT MADE ME KINDA LATE.
SO... THAT HAPPENED.
AH, KNUCKLES.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU CAME
TO FRINGE SHOWS, BUDDY.
YOU KNOW, I MAKE
AN EXCEPTION
WHEN I'M ON THE FRINGE
OF BEING INTERESTED.
-OH! GOOD ONE.
-THANK YOU.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO TALK
TO STEPHAN, OKAY?
I DON'T KNOW IF HE'S
GETTING MY MESSAGES.
STEPHAN'S NOT HERE.
HE'S LITERALLY
RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
-NO, HE'S NOT.
-JESUS.
IS HE EVEN LISTENING
TO THIS GUY?
-HE'S ABSORBING.
-MAYBE.
-LOOK, I JUST WAN TO TELL HIM
I'M DOING SOME
NEX I'M TAKING THINGS
IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION.
OH, THAT'S
A BOY BAND, RIGHT?
PRETTY GOOD ONE.
JUST LET ME--
CALM DOWN, OKAY?
STEPHAN'S GOTTEN
ALL YOUR MESSAGES.
HE JUST DOESN'T WAN TO TALK TO YOU.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT,
KNUCKLES, OSMOSIS?
-WAY TO WORK IN
A CALLBACK.
-OH, THANKS.
HEY, STICK AROUND AND YOU CAN
WATCH A REAL PRO ON STAGE.
-ME.
THANK YOU FOR THA WARM WELCOME.
I APPRECIATE IT.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT A NEW JOB THAT I GOT.
I'M TEACHING
STAND-UP COMEDY
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M TRYING TO TEACH
THE INSANE
HOW TO BE FUNNIER.
THAT'S LIKE TRYING TO TEACH
THE BLIND HOW TO DRIVE.
I MEAN,
WHAT'S THE POINT?
THERE IS
AN ASIAN WOMAN THERE
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
I MEAN, SHE'S KIND
OF ATTRACTIVE,
PROVIDED YOUR TURN-ONS
INCLUDE
A HORRIBLE PERSONALITY
AND KNIFE SKILLS.
SHE IS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE,
THOUGH, WHICH IS KIND OF COOL.
FIRST ONE I'VE EVER MET.
SHE BURNED HER HUSBAND'S
HOUSE DOWN.
IMAGINE HOW PISSED
YOU WOULD BE
IF YOU PAID FOR A WOMAN
TO BE SHIPPED FROM CHINA
AND THEN SHE BURNED
YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE DOWN.
SHE "LEFT-EYED" THIS GUY.
THERE'S AN AFGHANISTAN
WAR VE WHO IS A REAL CHARMER,
LET ME TELL YOU.
HE HAS SOME SERIOUS
ANGER PROBLEMS,
BUT HE'S SINGLE,
SO LADIES,
IF YOUR BUCKET LIS INCLUDES DEATH BY
MURDER-SUICIDE,
-I THINK I'VE GOT YOUR GUY.
BUT THE BEST PERSON THERE IS
A BLACK SCHIZOPHRENIC GUY
WHO GOT FIRED FROM VONS.
YOU HEAR THAT?
LET'S COUNT ALL THOSE
SHITTY THINGS
THIS GUY'S DEALING WITH.
I MEAN, HE'S A BLACK GUY.
SORRY, BUT HE'S ALREADY
GOT A FEW STRIKES AGAINST HIM
WITH THAT.
HE'S SCHIZOPHRENIC,
AND HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS!
WHO THE FUCK GETS FIRED
FROM A GROCERY STORE?
MY COUSIN IS 14,
AND HE'S A MANAGER THERE.
THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN THAT IS AN INDIAN
IN A WHEELCHAIR
SWEEPING UP AT A CASINO.
HE'S SWEEPING!
THEY COULDN'T EVEN
GIVE HIM A JOB DEALING?
SO GUYS, WHEN YOU THINK
YOU GOT IT BAD,
KEEP IN MIND--
YOU'RE DOING ALL RIGHT.
-THANKS, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
HE GOT FIRED FROM VONS.
HOW THE FUCK
DO YOU GET FIRED--
-IT'S THIS UGLY CAT MEME.
I DON'T KNOW.
MY NIECE SENT IT TO ME.
I'M ACTUALLY JUST GETTING
A TON OF WRITING DONE.
-THAT'S GREAT.
-YEAH.
I TOLD YOU YOU'D FIND
YOUR INSPIRATION.
-YOU WERE RIGHT.
-MM-HMM.
SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
-HUNGRY.
-OH, LITTLE BABY.
I'M FINE.
-HAVE YOU CHECKED
YOUR MESSAGES?
-NO.
WHEN I'M AT WORK
TYSON SAID,
"DON'T CHECK YOUR PHONE."
-DON'T BE A DICK.
-THAT'S WHAT HE
SOUNDED LIKE.
DON'T BE A DICK.
YOU SHOULD CHECK
YOUR MESSAGES.
-HE'S CALLED
YOUR LAND LINE,
HE'S EVEN CALLED ME.
-STEPHAN MARTIN.
-UH-HUH.
THIS'LL ONLY
TAKE A SECOND.
HEY, THAT WAS
A VERY INTERESTING
PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT.
YEAH, DID YOU SEE IT OR
DID YOU JUST ABSORB IT?
-HA, HA.
-WILL YOU PLEASE
BE QUIET?
WILL YOU PLEASE
ADHERE TO YOUR OWN
DHARMA EXPERIENCE?
UH, EVERYTHING OKAY
OVER THERE?
JUST SOME HUMAN SOUL
LOST IN SAMSARA.
SO THAT WAS QUITE
A DARK SET.
-COMPELLING.
-SHH!
-OH, THANKS, MAN.
HEY, LOOK...
I GOT A TON MORE
WHERE THAT CAME FROM,
AND I KNOW YOU GO THE JUBILEE COMING UP, SO...
HEY, WERE THOSE REAL PEOPLE
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT?
UH, YEAH.
WOW. YOU'RE KIND OF
AN EVIL BASTARD.
UH, I GUESS.
THANKS.
YOU NEED TO BE QUIET.
WHAT IF I WAS ON
THE PHONE WITH BUDDHA?
BUDDHA CALLS NOW.
SO DO SHUT UP,
YOU UNENLIGHTENED FUCK.
ALL PRAISE
BUDDHA SHAKYAMUNI.
ANYWAY, LET'S SEE WHA YOU CAN DO ON THE JUBILEE
EMERGING STAGE.
NIGHT ONE.
YOU KILL THERE,
AND I'LL BRING YOU BACK
FOR THE COMPETITION.
I WANT TO KISS
YOUR BALD HEAD.
THANK YOU!
OOH, I'M FUCKING THE WORLD!
I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I... SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THA TO A SOCIAL WORKER.
AH, I'M STILL FUCKING
THE WORLD, THOUGH! OH!
OH-HO, YES!
TO QUOTE THE PROPHE ICE CUBE,
"TODAY IS A GOOD DAY!"
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS
A LITTLE COMEDY.
A LITTLE QUID PRO QUO.
WHAT DID WE DO FOR YOU?
-IT IS LATIN.
I THINK.
GUYS, NOT A LANGUAGE CLASS.
OH, LET'S GET BACK
TO OUR LESSON.
WHAT DID YOU GUYS TAKE
FROM THAT JERRY VIDEO?
HIS VOICE SOUNDS
NASAL AND STRANGE.
WELL, I LIKED IT.
I LIKED THE PUNCH LINES.
IT SEEMS LIKE HE THOUGH A LOT ABOUT 'EM.
YEAH.
THAT'S A GOOD
OBSERVATION, BUGG.
HERE'S ONE OF HIS CLASSICS.
"MEN WANT FROM THEIR UNDERWEAR
THE SAME THING THEY WAN FROM THEIR WOMEN--
A LITTLE BIT OF SUPPOR AND A LITTLE BIT OF FREEDOM."
I SAW THAT.
I SAW THAT, MISS LIAO.
YOU LIKED THAT ONE
DIDN'T YOU?
I DIDN'T KNOW THE COMMUNISTS
WERE FANS OF FREEDOM.
I HAVE PRETTY UNDERWEAR.
TARGET.
-OH.
OKAY, WELL,
LET'S NOT SHOW ANYBODY,
ALL RIGHT?
ANYBODY ELSE WANT TO
TALK ABOUT THEIR UNDERWEAR?
OH, I'M SO GONNA
GET FIRED.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S STAR THE LESSON.
HOW DO YOU NOT GE SCARED UP THERE
WHEN EVERYBODY'S
JUDGING YOU?
BELIEVE ME,
YOU'RE SCARED.
ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED.
BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
LEARN TO USE THAT FEAR.
YOU KNOW
HOW MOMS CAN, LIKE,
LIFT A CAR OFF
OF THEIR KIDS?
SAME THING WHEN
YOU'RE ON STAGE, MAN.
WHEN YOU'RE A COMEDIAN,
IT'S KILL OR BE KILLED.
HOW'D YOU GET STARTED
DOING THIS?
I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING
TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER
AFTER MY PARENTS
GOT DIVORCED.
YEAH, MY FOLKS
GOT DIVORCED TOO.
YEAH, PRETTY COMMON.
THAT'S IT, THOUGH.
MY FOLKS DIVORCE
MESSED ME UP.
THAT'S WHAT DROVE ME
INTO THE MILITARY.
YEAH, I COULDN'T GET IN.
-TOO MANLY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GE BACK TO THE LESSON--
YOU KNOW, WE'RE KINDA
EXPERTS ON PAIN.
THAT'S ALL WE FACE,
RIGHT?
THERE'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING MORE.
TELL US.
YOU GUYS WANT TO
HEAR A STORY?
ONE NIGHT, AFTER
MY MOTHER PASSED OUT...
I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM
AND TOOK ABOUT 20 PILLS.
APPARENTLY THAT'S
NOT ENOUGH...
BECAUSE I WOKE UP...
IN THE LONG BEACH CENTER
FOR MENTAL HEALTH.
I WAS THERE
FOR SIX MONTHS.
THAT PLACE
IS TERRIBLE.
TAKE THE GLASS
OUT OF THE MIRRORS,
SO YOU DON' KILL YOURSELF.
FOOD IS TERRIBLE.
JESUS, OLIVER,
YOU WOULD BE SO
DISAPPOINTED
IN WHAT THEY CALL
CHICKEN SALAD THERE.
ALL RIGHT...
HOW ABOUT WE LEARN
SOME COMEDY, HUH?
HEY.
HEY, BUDDY.
HEY, MAN.
HEY, THAT WAS...
THAT WAS REALLY COOL OF YOU
TO SHARE THAT WITH US TODAY.
WHAT'S A LITTLE STORY
ABOUT BEING INSTITUTIONALIZED
AMONG FRIENDS?
GOES A LONG WAY,
TRUST ME.
THANKS.
OH, UH--
OH, YES.
WE WERE GONNA GO OVER
YOUR JOKES TODAY, RIGHT?
-SURE.
YOU DON'T, UM...
YOU DON' HAVE YOUR NOTEBOOK
WITH YOU TODAY.
-THE NOTEBOOK THA YOU WRITE IN
AFTER EVERY CLASS?
YEAH, I JUST MUST'VE
FORGOT IT, OKAY?
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
COME ON, HIT ME.
ALL RIGHT.
UM... OKAY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
HIT ME.
FIND A GOOD ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.
THIS IS THE ONE?
ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
"ONE COOL THING ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS
YOU NEVER
HAVE TO BE ALONE.
THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER
VOICE TO TALK TO
IN YOUR HEAD."
OKAY.
THAT SUCKED.
I-- I GOT--
I GOT A BETTER ONE--
IT DIDN'T SUCK.
YOU'RE JUST NO IN THE MOMENT RIGHT NOW.
I GOT AN IDEA,
COME ON.
FOLLOW ME.
TRY YOUR JOKE
WITH THE BALL.
-YEAH, YEAH.
IT KEEPS YOU
OUT OF YOUR HEAD.
TRUST ME, IT WORKS.
I USED TO PLAY
IN GARRY SHANDLING'S
PICK-UP GAMES.
YOU KNOW A LO OF FAMOUS PEOPLE?
HMM.
I'VE BEEN TO THEIR HOUSES.
-OH! NICE!
YOU'RE TERRIBLE
AT BASKETBALL.
-SOCCER'S MORE MY THING.
NO.
JUST RELAX.
WE GOT ALL DAY.
WE GOT ALL DAY, OKAY?
JUST YOU,
THE BALL, THE HOOP.
ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOU BEING SCHIZOPHRENIC IS
YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE.
THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER VOICE
TO TALK TO IN YOUR HEAD.
ESPECIALLY IF ONE OF
THOSE VOICES IS A GIRL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
ONE OF THE VOICES
IN MY HEAD
IS A GIRL.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
A DAY I HIT ON MYSELF?
SO MUCH BETTER.
HEY, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?
-WHY ARE YOU WORKING
SO HARD AT THIS?
I KNOW TOURING COMICS
THAT DON'T PUT IN
THIS MUCH TIME.
MY MOM WANTS
TO COME SEE ME.
I WANT...
TRINA TO SEE ME
TELL JOKES.
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH
A LOT.
JUST WANT HER TO BE
PROUD OF ME AGAIN.
LET'S GET YOU
ON STAGE, KID.
-LET'S GE THIS PUT AWAY.
-OKAY.
THANKS FOR
LISTENING TODAY.
HEY,
NO PROBLEM, MAN.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN
HAVING EPISODES?
ABOUT A YEAR NOW.
I WAS GETTING GOOD GRADES
UP AT CAL POLY
WHEN... I STARTED
SEEING GHOSTS.
REALLY FUCKED ME UP.
WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK
ABOUT THIS.
NO, I NEED TO
TALK ABOUT IT.
-OKAY.
-WHEN IT HAPPENED,
I'D...
SHAKE SO HARD...
THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD CALL ME
"POLAROID PICTURE."
LIKE IN THA OUTKAST SONG?
'CAUSE I'D DO THIS.
PISS IN MY PANTS, TOO.
NEVER TOLD ANYBODY THAT.
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
I'M SORRY, MAN.
-I KNOW, YOU JUS MET ME, MAN.
-STOP.
DUDE, STOP.
IT'S TOTALLY COOL.
YOU'RE DOING
BETTER NOW, RIGHT?
YOU GOT I UNDER CONTROL.
YEAH... YEAH,
THINGS ARE GOOD NOW.
LET'S GET THIS
PUT AWAY.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE AN HOUR AGO!
I'M ON MY WAY.
THANK YOU.
YOU THINK YOU MIGH WANT TO SMOKE LESS?
NO, ASSHOLE.
YOUR FATHER USED TO
ASK ME THAT ALL THE TIME.
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA
LEAVE ME OVER THAT, TOO?
PLEASE DON'T TALK
LIKE THAT.
WELL, IF YOU WERE HERE MORE
OFTEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.
JESUS, I'M HERE
THREE NIGHTS A WEEK.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
HERE, COME SIT WITH ME.
I'LL MAKE POPCORN,
HEAVY WITH BUTTER,
JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.
WHAT AM I, TEN?
YOU THINK I'M NO GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?
LOOK, I BROUGHT YOU GROCERIES.
I'LL BE BACK MONDAY.
YOU THINK YOU'RE
BETTER THAN HANNA?
I WAS AT THE TOP.
I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE
CAREER FOR YOU!
I COULD'VE ABORTED YOU!
DON'T TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT.
AND DON'T BOTHER VANESSA
ANYMORE EITHER, OKAY?
OR I'M NOT GONNA
BRING YOU SHIT.
OH.
IT'S SUNDAY.
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH HANNA?
DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT.
I'D RATHER BE HERE
WITH YOU.
THANK YOU.
-DARRYL'S PIZZA
EMPORIUM.
YOUR FAVORITE.
IT IS MY FAVORITE.
THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, I TURNS OU I'M NOT THAT HUNGRY.
ME NEITHER.
IS IT KINKY
TO HAVE SEX WITH
A PREGNANT WOMAN?
I'M IN A KINKY
KIND OF MOOD.
THAT'S ACTUALLY
PRETTY GOOD.
THAT YOUR DAUGHTER?
-WHOA, WHOA!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ACTUALLY
KIND OF PRETTY.
DON'T TELL VANESSA.
I'M NOT PRETTY AT ALL.
YOU ARE.
YOU JUST HIDE IT.
ME, I'M UNDENIABLY UGLY,
SO I CAN'T DO THAT.
DAUGHTER'S PRETTY, TOO.
THANK YOU.
SURE SHE MISSES YOU.
YOU KNOW...
YOU AND I HAVE
SOMETHING IN COMMON.
WHAT?
"TONG."
I DON'T HIT MY HEAD,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT I RUIN MY PRETTY FACE.
SO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
PRETTY UGLY.
SO HOW'S EVERYTHING
GOING WITH THE GROUP?
YOU KNOW,
THEY'VE GROWN ON ME.
WELL, NOW YOU'VE GO A FEEL FOR THE PLACE,
I WANT TO TELL YOU MY PLANS
ABOUT YOUR WORKSHOP.
STAND-UP COMEDY
IS LIKE PUBLIC SPEAKING.
I WANT YOUR STUDENTS
TO FINISH YOUR CLASS
WITH A SPEECH ENTITLED,
"WHO AM I?"
-SOUNDS EXCITING.
-NO, NO, I'M SERIOUS.
COMEDY CAN BUILD CONFIDENCE,
DON'T YOU THINK?
YES, IT JUST...
SOUNDS A LITTLE ACADEMIC.
REPEAT AFTER ME--
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
WHO AM I?
"WHO AM I?"
IT'S NOT A REQUEST,
BUDDY.
I DO NOT GE THIS GUY.
"
-THAT'S LAME.
AGREED.
WE ALREADY KNOW
WHO WE ARE.
A BUNCH OF
ANXIETY-RIDDEN CRAZIES.
HEY, GUYS, COME ON.
BE NICE TO YOURSELVES.
YOU'RE NOT CRAZY.
I MEAN, YOU ARE, ZOE.
OH, SORRY.
JUST A JOKE.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEAH. WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKING AT?
YOUR CLASS SUCKS.
ANYWAY--
LOOK, GUYS,
I GET THAT THIS
ASSIGNMENT IS LAME.
BUT COME ON, LET'S TURN
A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE.
I THINK I GO A WAY TO GIVE TYSON
EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS,
BUT BETTER.
I'M GONNA TEACH YOU GUYS
THE BIGGEST SECRE OF COMEDY.
IT'S CALLED "PP."
LIKE PEE
YES!
OLIVER WITH THE JOKE!
DID NOT REALIZE
HE MADE A JOKE, OKAY.
YES, LIKE PP.
ONCE YOU MASTER THE TWO PS,
YOU WILL KNOW EXACTLY
WHO THE HELL YOU ARE.
WHO THE FUCK DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE, HUH?
YOU THINK YOU'RE
"CAPTAIN, MY CAPTAIN"?
YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA SAVE US?
GET THE HELL
OUT OF MY FACE.
-ZOE.
SHUT UP.
WHATEVER.
I WANT TO LEARN
ABOUT PP.
ME, TOO.
YOU GUYS HAVE
SUCH REFINED TASTE.
GOOD COMEDY, GUYS?
HONEST COMEDY?
IT'S "PAINFUL"
AND IT'S "PERSONAL."
YOU GOTTA DIG DEEP, GUYS.
YOU GOTTA GET TO THAT STUFF
THAT PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO.
ANYBODY HAVE A PERSONAL STORY
THEY WANT TO SHARE?
YOU GUYS KNOW
I'LL WAIT.
HELL, YEAH.
WELL, BEFORE
I GOT DISCHARGED,
I ACTUALLY
GOT QUARANTINED.
THE ONLY THING
THAT GOT ME THROUGH
WAS THERE WAS THIS BRITISH
SOLDIER NAMED WINSTON.
HE WAS PARALYZED AND HE WAS
DYING FROM A SHRAPNEL INJURY.
I THOUGHT THIS
WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A FUNNY STORY.
ZOE, QUIET.
ANYWAY, HE NEVER LOS HIS SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE'D WAKE UP EVERY
MORNING AND HE'D GO,
YOU KNOW, ELLIOT?
I LOOK 'ROUND HERE,
ALL THESE YOUNG MEN
DYIN' FOR THEIR COUNTRY,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND
REALLY MOVING?
EVERYTHING BUT MY LEGS."
THAT WAS AWESOME.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, WHO'S NEXT?
WHEN I WAS A KID,
I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING--
ROLLER COASTERS,
THE DENTIST,
MY REFLECTION.
I DIDN'T BRUSH MY TEETH
IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR
UNTIL I WAS 23.
I MEAN, I WAS AFRAID
TO MASTURBATE
UNTIL I TOOK MYSELF
ON A DATE FIRST.
NICE!
WENT A LITTLE DARK.
GOOD WORK, BUGG.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO
TO THE NEXT LESSON.
NOW GET OUTTA HERE.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
BYE, ZOE.
BYE, MISS LIAO.
WHAT, CAN'T GE ENOUGH OF ME?
WHAT ARE YOU
LOOKIN' AT?
A COMPUTER SCREEN.
I'M IM-ING MY FIANCEE,
IS THAT OKAY?
AH, YEAH.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
"FLOWERGIRL81."
IS THAT HER?
YEAH.
WHAT KIND OF NAME
IS "FLOWERGIRL81"?
IT'S A GOOD NAME.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IM
WOMEN NEED
LOVE AND AFFECTION...
I THINK.
YOU'RE NO IN AFGHANISTAN ANYMORE.
NO, I'M GOING TO
AN ANXIETY WORKSHOP
IN KOREATOWN
FIVE DAYS A WEEK.
YEAH.
AND YOU'RE DOING
REALLY GOOD.
HELL OF A COCKNEY ACCENT.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU SAW HER?
A WHILE.
LET ME TRY SOMETHING.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
TRUST ME.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
IT'S A JOKE.
LOOK, I KNOW,
IT'S NOT MY BEST,
BUT IT'S SERVICEABLE.
SEE?
SERVICEABLE.
FEEL FREE TO LEAVE
A MESSAGE.
I PROBABLY WON' LISTEN TO IT.
NAMASTE.
STEPHAN!
HEY, IT'S BUDDY.
VERY EXCITED ABOUT THE JUBILEE,
THANK YOU AGAIN.
I TWEAKED MY SET A BIT.
PROBABLY NOT DOING THAT STUFF
ABOUT THE CRAZY PEOPLE,
SO... YEAH.
BUT I WILL SEE YOU SOON.
BUDDY, I NEED YOU.
WHERE ARE YOU?
COME ON, MA,
LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S GO HOME.
THAT'S THE LAST TIME.
SHE'S NOT ALLOWED
BACK IN HERE.
FUCK OFF, YOU CUNT.
DO YOU KNOW
WHO THE HELL I AM?
YEAH, I KEEP TELLING YOU--
A HAS-BEEN BITCH.
-FUCK YOU!
-OKAY, CUT THA SHIT OUT.
-WE'RE LEAVING.
-YEAH, GET HER
OUTTA HERE.
-FUCK YOU, DOUCHEBAG.
-YEAH, YEAH, STAR WALKING, BUDDY.
OKAY, WE ARE, WE ARE.
MA, TURN AROUND!
FUCK HIM.
I'M HANNA BALES.
DOES HE KNOW
I'M HANNA BALES?
I THINK HE'S AWARE
OF IT, MOM.
WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU THINKING?
SCHWARTZ
CAN EAT MY SHIT.
FOUR SOLD-OUT NIGHTS,
GOD DAMN IT.
I WROTE FOR HIM.
HE OWES ME.
LET'S GET YOU
CLEANED UP.
YOU FEEL BETTER?
WE'RE NEVER GOING BACK
TO THAT SHITHOLE.
ACTUALLY, I'M GOING
BACK TOMORROW.
I GOT INTO THE JUBILEE.
THANK YOU FOR
THE GREAT SETUP.
HOW DID YOU GE THAT GIG?
I DON'T KNOW,
I WROTE SOME NEW JOKES.
ARE YOU TRYING
TO LEAVE ME?
MA, I'M NOT LEAVING YOU.
I THINK YOU'RE
LEAVING ME ALONE,
YOU SON OF A BITCH,
-YOU DICKHEAD.
-STOP IT,
THAT'S MY BOOK.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK
OF YOUR JOKES.
MA, STOP IT!
THIS IS THE QUEEN.
YOU OWE THE QUEEN.
I WAS AN IDIOT TO THINK
YOU'D EVER BE PROUD OF ME.
OH, FUCK YOU.
HMM.
YEAH, KNUCKLES CAN
TAKE CARE OF THAT.
-STEPHAN.
-I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
IGNORE MY MESSAGE.
I'M NOT CHANGING THE SET.
YOU CHANGE THE SET, BUDDY,
YOU'RE OUT OF THE JUBILEE.
I'M SORRY,
IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.
WE'RE GOOD WITH
DARK AND COMPELLING?
NAMASTE.
I THINK WE MIGHT BE
ABLE TO GET THERE EARLY,
GET SOME GOOD SEATS.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ANYBODY HAVE ANY JOKES
THEY WANT TO WORKSHOP?
I DON'T HAVE A LO OF TIME TODAY.
WHOA, WHAT'S
THE RUSH, DUDE?
GOT SOMEPLACE TO BE?
-WE HEARD YOU HAVE A SHOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
AH, DON'T BE SHY, DUDE.
WE KNOW ABOU THE JUBILEE.
THE ASSHOLE
IS FAMOUS NOW.
VANESSA TOLD US
ALL ABOUT IT.
THAT WAS NICE OF HER.
WE WANT TO COME
SEE YOU, MAN.
NO, NO, SORRY.
I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY.
I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE
A STAR IN CHINA.
GREAT. WHY DON'T YOU
KEEP THAT JACKIE CHAN DREAM
TO YOURSELF, OKAY?
OH, THE FUNNY GUY AFWAID TO
PERFORM FOR HIS FWIENDS?
COME ON, LET US
COME SEE YOU, MAN.
LOOK, GUYS,
I TOLD YOU NO.
-WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
'CAUSE I DON' WANT YOU TO COME.
'CAUSE IT'S
NOT APPROPRIATE.
YOU'RE STUDENTS.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA COME SEE--
YOU KNOW WHAT, NO.
IT'S A VIOLATION OF
HOW WE SHOULD INTERAC AS TEACHERS--
YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
REALLY SHORT CLASS
TODAY, OKAY?
WHAT'S WITH THE STICK
UP HIS ASS?
IT'S JUST STAGE FRIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WE WILL GO SEE HIM.
IT'S DECIDED.
WAIT, I'M NOT DECIDED.
OKAY, I'M DECIDED.
I'VE DECIDED
YOU'RE NOT GOING.
LET ME GO TALK TO HIM.
BUDDY? HEY.
HEY.
-YEAH. I GOT A LO ON MY MIND.
WELL, LISTEN.
THANKS FOR YOUR HELP
YESTERDAY.
I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THE ASSIGNMENT,
"WHO AM I?"
TYSON'S HOMEWORK.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT NOW.
HEY, I GOT A 4.0
AT CSUN, MAN.
HIGHEST-SCORING OFFICER
IN PHOENIX BATTALION.
NOT FOR DANCING.
NO, I'VE COME UP
WITH A THESIS, MAN.
I JUST NEED
AN EXAMPLE FROM YOU.
-YEAH.
I'M A COMEDIAN, MAN.
THAT'S ALL.
THERE IS AN ASIAN WOMAN THERE
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
HEY. JUST GOTTA TAKE A QUICK
SHOWER BEFORE THE SHOW--
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
-IT'S NOTHING.
-THAT'S YOU TALKING
ABOUT MY GROUP.
BABY, IT'S JUS SOME JOKES.
IS THIS THE STUFF
YOU'RE GONNA DO A THE JUBILEE?
YOU'RE EXPLOITING THEM.
YOU'RE EXPLOITING THEM.
YOU SAID YOU LIKED THEM.
HONEY, I DO LIKE THEM.
LOOK, THIS IS JUS SOME BULLSHIT.
YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN' HURT THEM LIKE THIS.
THEY CAN'T TAKE IT.
THEY TRUST YOU!
THEY SHOULD TRUST ME.
I CAN BELIE--
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
-I HAVE TO CALL TYSON.
-NO, YOU DON'T.
NO, YOU DON'T.
STOP!
HONEY, NO, NO.
LET GO.
-WHAT THE FUCK
DO YOU CARE?
-LET GO.
LET GO.
THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU.
THEY'RE NOT GOOD
FOR THE BABY, OKAY?
ARE YOU STILL
GONNA DO THOSE JOKES?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUDDY.
NAMASTE.
HEY.
WHAT'S THE ORDER?
DON'T YOU WANT TO
CHECK OUT THE CATERING?
WE GOT GLUTEN-FREE NUTMEG
FROM GANDHI'S TANDOORI.
ISN'T ALL NUTMEG
GLUTEN
IT'S GANDHI'S NUTMEG.
HEY, LOOK, CAN YOU JUS TELL ME WHEN I GO UP?
I GOT FOUR BOOKERS
OUT HERE FOR YOU, BUDDY.
-YEAH.
YES. I'LL BE
IN THE GREEN ROOM.
GO GET 'EM.
HEY. DON'T SUCK
TONIGHT, OKAY?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR
BUDDY SOLITAIRE!
TOO FANBOY?
NO, I CAN'T WAI TO SEE HIS FACE.
YOU LOOK GREAT.
I RECENTLY TOOK A JOB
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
I TEACH STAND-UP
TO THE INSANE.
EVERYTHING OKAY?
I LEFT MY MEDICATION
AT HOME.
WHEN WERE YOU
SUPPOSED TO TAKE IT?
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO?
I'LL BE FINE, GUYS.
GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME.
THERE IS A CRAZY
ASIAN WOMAN
WHO IS COVERED IN CUTS.
IT LOOKS LIKE SHE
GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH
100 KNIFE-WIELDING MIDGETS
AND LOST.
BUT THE ABSOLUTE
BEST GUY THERE
IS A SCHIZOPHRENIC
BLACK GUY WHO USED
TO WORK AT VONS.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
HOW HARD THAT IS?
MY 15-YEAR-OLD COUSIN
IS A GENERAL MANAGER
AT VONS.
I HAVE SEEN A BABY
RUN THE REGISTER
AT VONS.
IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE
TO GET FIRED FROM VONS,
BUT THEY HAD TO,
BECAUSE WHEN THIS GUY HAS
A SCHIZOPHRENIC BREAK,
HE SHAKES AND
THEN PISSES HIMSELF.
OH!
-YEAH. YEAH.
HE IS LIKE A HUMAN
POLAROID PICTURE WITH
A VERY WEAK BLADDER.
-YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE.
-GET THE FUCK OFF ME.
IT'S NOT WHA IT LOOKED LIKE.
YEAH, THEN WHA THE HELL WAS IT?
-LET ME TALK TO BUGG.
-FUCK OFF!
-NO, IT'S OKAY.
-NO, NO, NO, NO.
-DON'T MAKE FUN
OF ME NO MORE.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME.
DON'T TOUCH ME!
DON'T TOUCH ME!
-LEAVE HIM ALONE!
-GET THE FUCK OFF ME.
HIT ME AGAIN.
YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZIER
THAN THE REST OF US.
WHAT, "UNKNOWN SOLDIER."
YOU SAVING IT FOR
YOUR GODDAMN FIANCEE?
GOT SOMETHING ELSE
TO SAY
SAY SOMETHING ELSE,
FUNNY MAN.
YES, MISS JACKSON,
YES.
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
WE'LL WAIT FOR YOUR
LAWYER'S CALL.
THANK YOU.
BYE.
HOW IS HE?
BUGG'S HAD A SEIZURE.
DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
THE SHOW?
YEAH.
HI, UH,
HAVE YOU SEEN VANESSA?
NO, SHE HASN' BEEN HERE ALL DAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
JUST HERE
TO SEE VANESSA...
AND BUGG.
ARE THEY AROUND?
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
YOU THINK EVERYTHING
REVOLVES AROUND YOU.
DON'T YOU?
GET THE HELL
OUTTA HERE.
IS THERE ANYTHING
I NEED TO PREPARE?
YEAH, I-- YES,
I WILL BE THERE ON MONDAY.
YES, OKAY, THANK YOU.
HEY. I'VE BEEN
LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU.
WE SHOULD TALK.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
HONEY...
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.
I'M GONNA GO STAY ON
MY OWN FOR A FEW DAYS.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT'S
HAPPENING ON MONDAY?
I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
FOR WHAT?
VANESSA...?
"TACO TRUCK" ISN'T STAYING
WITH YOU TONIGHT?
-NO.
-I KNEW I WOULDN'T LAST.
REMEMBER, EVERYBODY'S GONNA
TURN AWAY FROM YOUR SORRY ASS,
BUT HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
YOU TOLD ME
THAT ALREADY.
WHY DO YOU HATE ME, MOM?
DON'T SAY THAT.
I LOVE YOU.
YOU GONNA STAY
WITH ME TONIGHT?
-YEAH.
-HMM.
HI, MOM, HI, DAD.
STOP FILMING, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
HANNA, LET HIM PLAY
WITH THE CAMERA.
FORGET ABOU THE LITTLE RUNT.
HANNA DARLING
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
YO, BUDDY.
THE FUCK?
BUDDY!
DUDE!
JUST EXERCISING, MAN.
THE FUCK IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU, MAN?
LOOK, I KNOW
IT'S MESSED UP
THAT YOU GOT FIRED
FROM THE COUNSELING CENTER,
BUT YOU GOT WHA YOU WANTED, DIDN'T YOU?
STEPHAN'S
REPRESENTING YOU.
RIGHT.
YOU WANT ME TO CALL
A DOCTOR, OR A SHRINK?
VANESSA WAS GONNA HAVE
A BABY WITH ME.
"WAS"?
YOU NEED TO GET BACK
TO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE?
HONESTLY...
YOU WERE THE HAPPIES WHEN YOU WERE TEACHING
THOSE STUDENTS.
TOLD YOU NOT TO
COME BACK HERE.
I REALLY WANT TO
TALK TO BUGG.
"BEING NICE TO BUDDY"
IS NOT HIGH ON MY AGENDA.
LOOK, I JUST WANT TO
APOLOGIZE TO HIM, OKAY?
-THAT'S ALL.
-WHATEVERS.
WANT ME TO STALK YOU
FOREVER? I CAN.
I CAN SET UP
AN OFFICE IN HERE.
IN THIS LITTLE MUNCHKIN
OFFICE RIGHT UNDER HERE, HUH?
WHEN THE PHONE'S FOR ME,
JUST LET ME KNOW.
PLEASE, GO.
I GET IT.
I'M PERSONA NON GRATA
AROUND HERE.
NOT ANY BETTER
AT BASKETBALL, HUH?
YOU KNOW, THEY HAD TO
UP MY MEDICATION.
I'M SORRY.
THEY DOUBLED IT.
I HATE TAKING THAT STUFF.
MAKES ME THROW UP.
I SHOULD GO.
"POLAROID PICTURE"?
I TRUSTED YOU.
-I TRUSTED YOU!
-I KNOW.
YOU TREATED ME JUST LIKE
THE REST OF 'EM, MAN.
IF YOU NEVER WANT TO
SEE ME AGAIN, I GET THAT.
YOU'RE GOOD, BUGG.
YOU'RE FUNNY.
DON'T LET THE FAC THAT I'M A PIECE OF SHI TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.
BUDDY, I NEED YOU.
COMING.
OH, THERE YOU ARE.
WHAT THE HELL?
-I THOUGH I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!
-LOOK, I HAVE AN IDEA.
JUST DON'T GIVE ME
THE "WRATH OF KHAN"
FOR JUST ONE SECOND
AND LISTEN TO ME.
-THESE STUDENTS
ARE GOOD AT COMEDY.
YOU SHOULD DO A SHOW.
YOU DO IT HERE.
YOU INVITE THEIR FAMILY.
YOU INVITE THEIR FRIENDS.
LOOK, THEY GET SOME LAUGHS,
IT'LL FEEL GREAT,
BELIEVE ME.
IT'S GOOD FOR SOCIAL SKILLS
WHICH IS WHAT YOU WANTED--
BACK OFF!
I WON'T BE AROUND.
-YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL THINK
ABOUT IT, OKAY?
THANK YOU.
STOP FUCKING
CALLING ME, MOM.
WE ALL KNOW HIM.
DOING TWO SETS TONIGHT,
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
HEY, BUDDY.
I RECENTLY TOOK A JOB
TEACHING STAND-UP COMEDY
AT A PSYCHOLOGICAL
COUNSELING CENTER.
HI.
GOD, I LOVE COMEDIANS.
I LOVE "CHUCKLE FUCKERS."
OKAY, WHATEVER.
WAIT, I AM GONNA
GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB.
-I'M GONNA LET YOU.
-OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHA YOU GOT IN HERE.
-OH, YEAH.
-STOP.
YOU GOTTA HAVE
SOMETHIN' BETTER TO DO.
-COME ON.
-SERIOUSLY, STOP IT.
-NO, I'M REALLY
GOOD AT THIS.
-I'M SURE YOU ARE.
IT WILL BE BETTER
FOR YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
GO.
COME ON, UP.
GO.
-FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE.
-OKAY, YOUR DAD'S GONNA
THANK ME FOR THIS.
DON'T YOU TALK
ABOUT MY DADDY.
-'COURSE IT'S FAKE.
TYSON, HI.
YOU HAD A GOOD IDEA
ABOUT THE SHOW.
OH, THANKS.
THEY'RE TELLING JOKES
ABOUT THEIR LIVES.
IT'S QUITE INSPIRING.
HEY, TELL 'EM
I SAID HELLO, OKAY?
-OF COURSE. THANK YOU.
-BYE.
LET'S HEAR
"POLAROID PICTURE"!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO.
QUITE THE EXIT, HOUDINI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
-GO HOME, MOM.
-COME HOME WITH ME.
I'LL FIX YOU DINNER.
-I CAN'T BE DAD ANYMORE.
-WHO YOU GONNA BE, THEN,
FREUD?
I GOTTA PAY YOU
BY THE HOUR?
YOU'VE BEEN TAKING THIS
OUT ON ME FOR YEARS.
-IT'S FUCKED UP, MOM.
-YOU WANT TO SEE
FUCKED UP?
YOU'RE SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT,
YOU SWEAT FECES.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
NO ONE EVER
WANTED YOU AROUND.
NO ONE!
YOU WERE WORSE THAN
A GIRL BABY IN CHINA!
YEAH.
YEAH, LET'S DO THIS.
YOU'RE SO UGLY THA WHEN YOU WERE BORN,
YOUR MAMA NAMED YOU
"SHIT HAPPENS."
-NO!
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO HURT YOU.
I DIDN'T MEAN IT.
-I LOVE YOU.
-I KNOW.
OH, PLEASE DON' LEAVE ME, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
SURE YOU WANT TO
DO THIS, BABY?
YES, MA'AM.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU KNOW
I'M PROUD OF YOU, RIGHT?
I CAN'T WAIT.
HI THERE, HI THERE.
I AM TYSON YEE.
YOU KNOW ME AS
THE HEAD COUNSELOR HERE,
AND I WILL BE
YOUR HOST TONIGHT.
OH, WELCOME TO MAPLE HILL'S
BIG SHOW!
NO PRESSURE.
UP FIRST, WE HAVE ZOE.
UH, I'M NOT VERY
GOOD AT JOKES,
BUT HERE GOES.
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
I WANTED TO BE A DOCTOR.
NOW I NEED A DOCTOR.
SOMETIMES WHEN I
TELL PEOPLE
I DID DEMOLITIONS
IN THE MILITARY
THEY'RE LIKE,
"WOW, WAS IT FUN?"
AND I'M LIKE,
"FUN?
I DEFUSED BOMBS ALL DAY.
THE LAST THING I WANT TO BE
DOING IS HAVING A BLAST."
I HAVE EXTREME ANXIETY.
SO I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS
IN FRONT OF A CROWD.
BUT I'M EVEN MORE
NERVOUS IN FRONT OF
THESE CROOKED LIGHTS.
FIRST JOKE, PERSONAL.
MY EX-HUSBAND BEAT ME
AND MY DAUGHTER.
PAIN.
IT HURTS.
SECOND JOKE, PERSONAL.
I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND.
PAIN.
I BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE.
UP NEXT, WE HAVE OUR VERY OWN
BUFORD "BUGG" JACKSON.
YOU GOT THIS.
I-- I'M BUGG.
-I'M SORRY, SORRY. SORRY.
HEY.
DON'T APOLOGIZE.
JUST GE YOUR FIRST JOKE OFF.
IT'S OKAY.
I INVITED HIM.
I USED TO BE ASHAMED
OF BEING DIFFERENT.
BUT NOW I'M NOT.
I HAVE TWO VOICES
IN MY HEAD.
ANY MORE AND WE'D BE
A WALKING GANG.
ONE IS THE MOS INTIMIDATING BLACK DUDE
THAT YOU'LL EVER MEE IN YOUR LIFE,
AND THE OTHER IS A 70-YEAR-OLD
CHURCH WHITE LADY.
SO I'M PRETTY MUCH COVERED
FOR ANY SITUATION
THAT YOU CAN
POSSIBLY THINK OF.
IF SOMEBODY CUTS ME OFF
IN TRAFFIC,
THE BLACK DUDE
IS LIKE, "HEY, HEY, HEY!
FORGET YOU, MAN!
OL' JIVE TURKEY.
YOU SEE THIS BICYCLE."
AND IF I'M EVER
GROCERY SHOPPING,
THE WHITE CHURCH LADY PRETTY
MUCH HAS ME COVERED WITH,
"EXCUSE ME, SIR.
I KNOW YOU'RE BLIND, SO YOU
PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE THE LINE,
BUT IT STARTS BEHIND ME.
THANK YOU.
GOTTA GET THIS WINE
TO CHURCH COMMUNION."
THANK YOU.
YOU WANT TO DO
A SET?
OH, NO, NO.
I'M GOOD, THANKS.
COME ON.
WHO AM I?
WHAT'S HE DOING?
OUR ASSIGNMENT, DUMMY.
I'M BUDDY SOLITAIRE.
I'M HANNA BALES'S SON.
MY MOTHER WAS MY HERO
GROWING UP.
I PROBABLY WATCHED
HER "LETTERMAN" SE THOUSANDS OF TIMES.
WHICH IS ABOU HOW MANY TIMES THIS WEEK
SHE'S CALLED ME
"A COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT."
THE PHYSICAL ABUSE
WAS BAD.
SHE WAS EITHER
HITTING ME TOO HARD
OR HUGGING ME TOO CLOSE.
WE'RE KIND OF LIKE
NORMA AND NORMAN BATES
FROM "PSYCHO"...
EXCEPT WE NEVER HAD
A FUNCTIONING SHOWER.
SHE'S MY MOM.
THE ONLY FAMILY I GOT.
SO WHATEVER I FEEL
FOR HER,
I REALIZE I GOTTA LE A LOT OF THAT SHIT GO,
BECAUSE IF I DON' I'M NOT GONNA MAKE ANY ROOM
IN THE FUTURE
TO MEET--
TO MEET NEW PEOPLE.
AND THAT HAS BEEN
AWESOME, GUYS.
I TRULY MEAN THIS.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT'S SO NICE, SO--
EXCUSE ME, SORRY.
VANESSA, PLEASE.
TALK TO ME.
THAT WAS GREAT.
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
THAT MEANS A LOT.
BUDDY, WE DON'T WORK.
-WE JUST DON'T.
-THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE CAN'T FIX EACH OTHER.
I HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF.
OKAY?
OKAY.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
GOODBYE.
OKAY.
[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING]