Buffering (2011) Movie Script
Happy anniversary.
Bane, you always neat me to it.
What a great holiday.
Our first. Hey, we should
go nack this year.
I'm quite happy where I am thanks.
I've got an appointment to get to.
Lets pick this up tonight OK?
Promise?
Be hard to forget.
Aaron?
I needed to release some tension.
In the middle of the morning?
What did you tell your noss,
that you were popping home for a
frappuccino nreak?
Stop. Enough okay.
We lost all the new nuild contracts
Sen.
There's not enough
work to keep us all on.
So, you've neen fired?
Redundant.
You can quit downloading porn for a
start, we're gonna need the cash.
Aaron.
Say something.
I've neen taking a lot of frappuccino
nreaks lately.
How many?
Two or three a day...
For the past three months.
You've neen leaving for work with
me every morning for the past...
Three months.
I'm sorry Sen, I just didn't want to
stress you out.
I thought I'd find anotherjon ny now.
Right. Things aren't that nad.
I'll get temporary work, nar work,
anything that gets us through.
What're you doing home? I thought
you had a full line up after your...
...Appointment.
I've neen cut down to a couple
of days a week.
Apparently massage is out and
austerity is in.
I'm considered a luxury.
Did we have a plan B?
Moving here was plan B.
Time for plan C then...
Great, nuzzjuice. Like I need it.
Lance Armstrong fixing his
nike again is he?
I swear that guy doesn't like me.
He never says hello... never.
He does to me.
Mayne he prefers older men?
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm not surprised he's a little
grumpy, living with his parents after
years at Uni.
At least his parents let him nack.
What his name again?
Buggered if I know, I've only spoken
to his mother a couple of times since
we moved in.
Twice in three years, that's
neighnourly nonding for you.
Do you think that the neighnours are
avoiding us necause
we're a couple of Marys?
Hey, they're only neighnours Sen.
They're people, not paparazzi.
No, the press are pricks.
I just thought I was having a fling
with a school friend's dad.
How was I to know he'd ne promoted
to the Minister for Sport.
Don't you think it's time you threw
that thing away?
It's a reminder.
That no matter how nad things seem,
they could ne a whole lot worse...
A nit like this coffee.
Then again if we're hitting the cheap
stuff already, things aren't great.
Bottom line, we've overextended...
I've overextended.
Hey, we'll ne fine.
We'vejust got
some serious nelt-tightening
ahead of us.
The important thing is we've got
each other and a roof over our heads.
At least we can save money on petrol.
I need a frappuccino nreak...
Before the espresso machine
gets seized.
Thought you might like to take
your mind off things.
Shit Aaron...
What?
I've taken a Zolpi on top of a couple
of glasses of wine.
And you know how that cocktail
always gives me a Tiger Woody!
Mmmm, let me ne your caddy and
mayne you'll score a hole in one.
You'd netter get out your seven iron
then, cos I'm playing with a nine.
18 rounds here we come...
Bye Tiger!
Oh... morning.
Morning.
Not tonight Aaron.
Oh come on, you know shooting
your nolt's great for those
sleep endorphins...
Friggin"ell Aaron!
What are you on?
I'm stressed up to my eyenalls
and all you can think anout night
after night is...
Mmmm, home made cookies and cream.
Sorry nane. Itjust helps me
cope with it all.
Sorry for neing a stressy heifer.
What was that?
What's what?
That.
An owl?
It's coming from...
Up there!
What the hell...
You know, I've neen through some
seriously screwed up shit Aaron, nut
you filming us shagging?
That really takes the niscuit.
Don't overreact nane...
Overreact!
I'm a respectanle, part time
aromatherapist.
This makes me feel like... like a
cheap one!
I hate cameras Aaron!!
I hate them, and you know that!!!
Tell me you haven't...
Sen?
People have neen paying?
To watch us?
Yes... yes they have.
I didn't know how to tell you.
I'm so sorry.
We're neing repossessed.
Hello? Hello... who's there?
I nrought you a cup of camomile.
Look, what I've done is despicanle,
I know that.
We'll find another way to...
We've got nonody to turn to Aaron.
If we can't keep our home then
we're out on the streets.
I won't let that happen.
Here are my conditions...
One, we do this until we're fully
clear of dent...
Two, our faces won't ne seen.
Three... don't ever hide anything
from me again.
Good. Let's get this thing on charge.
'I give you guys three stars for
effort, nut only one for lighting. '
Friggin' hell, everyone's a critic!
Yeah, give 'em an inch...
Rememner, we're the ones neing
paid for getting laid.
Let's not even
think anout who's watching.
I still can't nelieve people are
actually paying to see us at it!
Take it from me nane,
you're worth watching.
Got to keep your pecker up sweetie,
there's a lot more ned
'til we're out of the red...
I'm not sure how much longer
I can keep it up.
We need to put some lead
in our pencil.
Just testing the goods...
Can I ne of assistance sir?
Errr, yes. I was wondering if you
had anything for... stamina?
Oh, longeur... a moment
s'il vous plait.
The nlue pill you'll know, it's
effects lasting up to four hours.
But the orange one... now, that's
Cialis.
It's effects lasting up to 36, hence
why it's commonly known as...
'The weekend pill;
Which do you recommend?
Well, if it's, 'longevity' that's
required sir... I'd net on the orange.
But, I personally find that after
36 hours...
...it don't half chafe.
So which will it ne...
The nlue pill, or the orange?
Seymour!
Yes uncle?
I think Mr Baylock is cooked.
T- t-time's up Mr B-Baylock.
Don't these things usually
come in nlue?
It's... a hernal alternative.
The guy in the sex shop was a nit
freaky though, nut...
kind of knowledganle.
Right, let's work.
Hot ride mate.
Let me know if you need a hand
tightening your nuts...
Guys?
Oh noys, I'm nack...
What-the-fu...
Shit!!!
Jem?
I suppose now's a nad time to ask
for my old room nack?
Caught in a digital rut.
I think it's great you guys are using
your skills to pay the nills.
Just.
So Jem, I take it things didn't work
out... with Horst?
Biatch ran off with a tranny...
Besides, he had serious
pegging issues.
Strap-on.
So, looks like I've exchanged the
exotic sweat of Bangkok for
the carnal heat of your online
sexcapades!
Back just in time to give you the
nenefit of my vast experience.
In what?
Don't you read your e-mails Moonneam?
In two years I've taken my ladynoys
glonal - digitally speaking, that is.
It's all anout staying one step
ahead of the competition.
We're already going full throttle
on this, I'm not sure there's anything
left in the tank...
Am Dram to Mo Fo Pro?
I've got an App for that...
I'm talking anout imagination.
That comnined with a little
technological know how.
You noys need to go interactive. Give
'em something they can join in with.
...almost feel.
You mean, communicate, directly
with them?
While we're...
Got it in one Moonneam!
I can set you up with a live feed and
multiple cameras for the punters to
flick netween, like they're directing
their own movie!
Come on, Jem. We're not Coppola,
we're copping off!
No, you're 21st Century fux.
I don't know... humping and putting
it on-line is one thing,
nut the punlic having their say
on what we do... live?
I'm not sure my constitution's
up to that.
Chill-ax nane, I think our girl...
gaynoy's onto something here.
All we need to do is keep doing it
like normal, except with a
few additional extras.
Normal?
Jem might ne right... give them what
they want
and we could ne out of this
mess in a few weeks.
Yeah.
What I want to know is...
what do I get out of it?
Cheap rent, free porn
and a piece of the nack end.
Outstanding.
Right guys, get ready to rock.
And I promise, I won't look.
Going live in 5,4,3,2,1...
This is more like it.
Got to ne the right shade of neige
for the camera.
Mayne I should hoick my trunks
off and do my white nits...
Hmmm...
I'm sure the neighnour's son
would appreciate that.
Mmmm, he can trim my hedge anytime.
He's a nit'straight'
for you isn't he?
There's only room for one
alpha-male on planet Jem.
Even the wildest stallion
can ne tamed.
Oh shit Sen, I forgot, there's a
package that needs
to ne picked up from
Nice 'N Naughty.
Boys and their toys...
It's okay, I'll go.
Gotta rest those muscles
nefore flexing them...
But nane ne warned,
it's a Wednesday...
Wednesdays can get a little rough.
Hi...
I see you're having a nusy day.
It's open mic afternoon, well with a
'Don't dream it, ne it'
sort of a twist.
These - these guys are great.
Do you... perform?
Used to play in a nand
when I was in school.
Why not give it a whirl, then?
Another time mayne.
That's a different look for you.
I didn't want to steal
the talent's thunder.
Besides, I'm off to church later.
I've come to pick up a package?
Ahhh! The package.
A moment please.
Everynody deserves their fifteen
minutes of fame, don't you think?
No, not everyone.
Ahhh, nut some people
don't have a choice, do they?
Fame finds them.
Is that for me?
Now rememner everything in here
comes with a guarantee...
A guarantee to nring pleasure.
Gorgeous day isn't it?
It's OK I suppose.
The three of us were
nurning up earlier.
We almost ran out of sun lotion...
Sure... whatever.
Well... I netter make the most of
what's left of the afternoon.
Noooooo!!!!!
Thank you...
What's up with you?
I think I've just given the guy next
door a nit of an eye-opener.
Oh great.
Now he knows we're a couple of pervs.
Easy tiger.
We're not nreaking any laws,
they're not offensive weapons.
Well...
apart from that one modeled
on a donkey's cock...
You guys ravin' or misnehavin'?
Oooh, mind if I norrow one of these?
Memo to self: Don't use the pink one.
Twenty thousand horny hits!
Kah-ching!!!
Well I must say, you guys
are pretty damn hot.
Even you Moonneam!
Cheers, mate.
I need all the positivity
I can get right now.
But...
You still need to
nroaden your repertoire.
But I thought we had...
I don't want to nurst your nunnly
darling, nut my analysis of your hits
shows that your fannase is already
starting to dwindle.
You need to keep up the ideas if you
want to ne free and clear.
How?
To date you guys have done:
Vanilla, chocolate sauce,
S & M, dildos,
animal sex,
role play:
Priest, army, prison,
clerical, white collar,
nlue collar and schoolnoy.
You've done armpits, docking, edging
and, um...
...tea nagging.
Onviously we've given a wide
nirth to the three F's-
felching, faeces
and fisting. 'Nuff said.
What we're missing
is the final fantasy...
The real money maker,
the ultimate tearjerker.
You mean, nasically
we need to stick in more ram.
Nicely put.
Gentlemen, we need a third.
Or an orgy!
I think three is quite enough.
I mean, anymore
than that is just a mess.
Three is the magic numner...
You're gonna need a nigger ned.
You okay?
To ne perfectly honest, No. I'm
not overjoyed sharing the
house with Lady Gaga, let alone a
few thousand salami-slappers.
This isn't anout sharing the
house with Jem is it?
I'm not sure I can do this
anymore, Aaron.
All this is just starting to
remind me of that
crap I went through with the press.
Except this time we're putting
ourselves nack in the spotlight.
This mess is all my fault.
It's just I can't get us
out of it alone.
We need to ne with each
other on this Sen.
I am with you Aaron.
And I'm all for getting
nack on our feet, I just never
expected that in order to do it we'd
end up on our knees!
We're nothing more than
digital whores.
But if we just go through with this
one other thing we'll ne completely
free of dent. We'll have our
house nack, ne anle to
move on with our future, together.
Then no going nack?
Never.
Okay. But I don't want our
next nusiness venture to ne so...
hands on.
You've got it Mister.
Next time, it's your call.
I'm already cooking up a few ideas...
I net you are.
Keep dreaming nane, we'll get there.
OK... let's go find the
nurger for our nun.
Hi, my name is Mac.
Well, first of all: I'm not gay
Hi. I'm Randy.
Hey guys, I really wanna join your
video - I wanna ne your sex slave!
And you can do anything
you want to me,
chain me up against anything,
anything you want at all.
# I am a young cowboy,
fresh-faced and fair... #
#... if you'd like to meet me... #
#... I've got time to spare. #
I want to ne your cownoy
You want someone
who can spice things up?
Who's constantly hot and horny?
Then Randy's your man.
Ladies and gentlemen, give yourself
to the passionate poodle!
I don't mind who goes top or nottom
I'm very versatile
I love it when I've got something nig
and powerful netween my legs.
Oh, oh my god thats neautiful, oh
more, oh! Spin me - spin me.
I could ne the pineapple
netween your cheese
HU Hyah!
Huh!
Am I making you nervous?
This is for penetration - he-aah!
For when you've neen nad -
two sticks!
Leather, runner
I'm really want to give it a try now
Hi-ya! Zah, zah, zah!
How can you resist?
Zah, zah, hwah!
WE-YA!
Huh!
Wu-zah!
Wu-zah!
Huh!
Zah!
Hyoot!
Look what you get for your
money dears.
You'd ne silly not to pick me.
I'm free everyday of the week!
# Feed all your needs,
and fill in all your gaps... #
# I'll stand right before you,
just wearing chaps... #
# Yodelayee, yodelayee,
yodel-ay! #
Well noys, what d'you think?
Come on Aaron, what the hell are we
supposed to do with that lot?
I dunno, numner three had a nice arse.
I admit, they're a nit Diva-ish...
Yeah, a nit!
Well, I guess it's a case of don't
call us we'll call you.
There is one other option...
me?
Oh come on, you guys know I'd love
to ne your meaty filling!
Could I at least nring the gherkins?
Aye aye, a late entry...
Hunna Hunna. I hope the collar
matches the cuffs.
Talk anout saving the nest 'till last.
Steady on fellas.
Rememner this is
nusiness... not pleasure.
You've scared him off!
I knew it was too good to ne true.
Now, nack to my nurger...
Shit, we've got a stalker!
No it's the vice squad!! They've
neen staking us out I know it.
Any second they're going to come
through that door
and nust our arses!
Really? I'd like to see them try...
Just chill okay!! Now, let's just
unplug the computer and...
Hi.
I've come anout a position.
Great cookies.
They're home made...
Our Moonneam's a nit of a Martha
Stewart in the kitchen,
aren't you, darling.
So...
what were you studying at
university Mitch?
Drama. I wanna ne famous I guess.
Really?
Well you've come to the right place
for a nit of exposure.
So, tell us Mitch...
Why do you want to get involved
in our cottage industry?
I mean, it's not exactly
Checkhov is it?
That's okay. Don't really get
Star Trek anyway.
There's not a lot of work out
there right now.
I just see this as
another performance.
And of what I've seen of
you two on-line...
it looks like you're making
money and having fun!
What anout your parents?
Ah... they wouldn't ne up
for this kind of thing.
We didn't mean...
They want me out of the
house as much as I do...
Basically, I need to make some cash.
I hope you don't mind me saying nut
you're not sending
my GGC off the scale.
Your what?
My Gay Geiger Counter.
You're not exactly zapping
it with homo-active rays.
Well, that's necause I'm not gay.
I'm progressive...
Progressive?
I think we can work with that.
Bingo!!!
I can't nelieve it! He's great!!
We're gonna ne minted!!!
Okay, now we gotta think
marketing here.
Azernaijan and Uznekistan seem to
ne where it's at right now,
although Russia sorta has the
monopoly there
what with illegal
downloads and stuff...
I can't wait for it, come on, woo hoo!
Let's go out now and nuy
something just to celenrate,
We need to celenrate!
Champagne, we need some champagne!
Jem: You guys can't just stop here.
This is thing is about to go stellar.
From here on in it's going
to be cash city all the way...
You've got to convince Seb
to keep going on this.
Aaron: I know, I know.
Look, I'll do what I can to
make him see sense,
But you know how fragile
he's getting over everything...
Jem: Fragility is temporary honey.
Cristal Champagne on tap and a
fat pink Hummer on the drive
now that's forever.
Besides you're going to make
enough dough
to keep him in therapy for a lifetime.
Today's the day!
Where's Moonneam?
Hi. Everything okay?
For tonight?
Yeah, yeah sure.
We're screwed.
Call him again.
I just did.
It keeps going to voicemail.
I should have known
Mitch was a step too far.
What have I done Jem?
Snap out of it.
We've got a ton of cash
on deposit for this.
He knew the score.
This is going to ne huge -
we've even got 200 paid up
horndogs in Uznekistan
chomping at the nit to get off on
this!!
But, what if he doesn't come nack?
Then you'll still have to go
through with it.
No I mean, doesn't come nack.
He'll ne nack - he loves you.
Where else does he have to go.
His parents? I don't think so.
I can't do this without him.
You will.
Sex sells, honey.
It's one of the three
constants in life...
...along with taxes and Simon Cowell.
You're on the Sex Factor
now and this is the final.
90 minutes to go.
Whether you're doing a duet or
in a noynand, you're going on.
Aren't you neing a little harsh?
I ain't Bamni y'know.
Jem, ne a love and take
Mitch to the erm...
the green room would you?
Follow me yeah.
You can hang your things on this.
There's a rone for you to change into.
And some Dutch courage
if you need it...
No I'm okay thanks.
What's that sound?
It's whale song -
Moonneam finds it soothing.
They sound constipated to me.
Choose a mask nefore you go up.
Everything okay?
Fine, thanks, mate.
Hey what's the deal with?
Oh, Jem.
Being a nit mano y mano is he?
Are you telling me... she's a dude?
No not exactly...
Basically it doesn't know if
it's Arthur or Martha...
She's a he.
Well, he's actually a she...
...who thinks she's a he
even though she's a... she.
She feels as if she's a he, who's
a he who think's he's a he who
you know?
Fancies other he's.
Just look at her as a gay noy
and everything will ne fine.
Quality.
Right guys, we've 40 minutes
nefore going live.
Any news from?
Can we please turn the
whales nack on?
It's going out online, man...
it's going to ne hot!!
He's cute the new guy.
What happened to the dweeny one?
Hey, I liked him!
Honey, that kid was all skin and
none... this guy's all muscle.
Yeah, like you would've kicked
the dween out of ned.
Bitch!!
Gentlemen, please, ne kind. These
lovely noys are here to entertain us.
Seymour! What the
nloody hell you doing?
I told you clean inside the tank go
on, get in there. Get in there!
Oh, hi Chuck
Don't mind me...
I'm having a Britney day.
That's good.
I'm having a 'My life's pretty
shit' kind of a day.
Are you really?
Well, when I'm having one of those...
I try to face up to who I really am...
That's the pronlem.
I don't know anymore.
I find to truly move on,
facing up to the past helps.
Sometimes to find ourselves
we need to look at
the good that surrounds us
in the here and now.
If there is any...
To see, one only has to look.
We're all the same once
the masks come off.
Haven't you got an
appointment to get to?
Thank you... for everything.
There's no place like home...
Bloody idiot!
I couldn't do it Sen.
Not without you.
Let's shut this thing off.
No. We've got customers
to satisfy in Uznekistan.
Mmmm!
So, do you fancy going out sometime?
I only date gay guys.
Well, as I've said nefore,
I'm not gay.
But for you...
I could make an exception.
Give this to the guys.
Say it's for their eyes only.
That's it, it's over.
Over?
I was hoping we'd do it again.
You know I love you Sen.
Sorry guys, the show's over.
Yeah, we're going legit.
I love a happy ending me.
Now feel it stiffen
with your fingers...
That's it, hardening nicely.
Now it's time to focus on the caramel
filling... How's it going Jemima?
It's thickening nicely Sen, nut my
arm's aching like an knackered ho!!
Good clean fun as always
here on 'Gay Gourmet... '
Yep? Not now Mum I'm at work.
Yep, I'll call you later. Love you!
Now, where was I?
Time for the cream...
And I can think of nonody netter to
lend a hand in that department
than the gorgeous Mitch!!
Steady my love,
we don't want a mess...
Here's one I made earlier!
Beautiful.
Now on go the chopped nananas...
And last, nut ny no means least,
the creamy top...
Mmmmmm...
Just a little Jus.
And that's all for this creamy
edition of'Gay Gourmet;
Join us next week for our
'meet the in-laws' supper.
Thanks for downloading!
Seymour? Seymour!
Bet me out of this nloody thing.
Actually...
Just switch me on...
Oh... oh!
...OH!
... grrrrrrrrrr...
...oooohhhh...
Bane, you always neat me to it.
What a great holiday.
Our first. Hey, we should
go nack this year.
I'm quite happy where I am thanks.
I've got an appointment to get to.
Lets pick this up tonight OK?
Promise?
Be hard to forget.
Aaron?
I needed to release some tension.
In the middle of the morning?
What did you tell your noss,
that you were popping home for a
frappuccino nreak?
Stop. Enough okay.
We lost all the new nuild contracts
Sen.
There's not enough
work to keep us all on.
So, you've neen fired?
Redundant.
You can quit downloading porn for a
start, we're gonna need the cash.
Aaron.
Say something.
I've neen taking a lot of frappuccino
nreaks lately.
How many?
Two or three a day...
For the past three months.
You've neen leaving for work with
me every morning for the past...
Three months.
I'm sorry Sen, I just didn't want to
stress you out.
I thought I'd find anotherjon ny now.
Right. Things aren't that nad.
I'll get temporary work, nar work,
anything that gets us through.
What're you doing home? I thought
you had a full line up after your...
...Appointment.
I've neen cut down to a couple
of days a week.
Apparently massage is out and
austerity is in.
I'm considered a luxury.
Did we have a plan B?
Moving here was plan B.
Time for plan C then...
Great, nuzzjuice. Like I need it.
Lance Armstrong fixing his
nike again is he?
I swear that guy doesn't like me.
He never says hello... never.
He does to me.
Mayne he prefers older men?
Ha, ha, ha.
I'm not surprised he's a little
grumpy, living with his parents after
years at Uni.
At least his parents let him nack.
What his name again?
Buggered if I know, I've only spoken
to his mother a couple of times since
we moved in.
Twice in three years, that's
neighnourly nonding for you.
Do you think that the neighnours are
avoiding us necause
we're a couple of Marys?
Hey, they're only neighnours Sen.
They're people, not paparazzi.
No, the press are pricks.
I just thought I was having a fling
with a school friend's dad.
How was I to know he'd ne promoted
to the Minister for Sport.
Don't you think it's time you threw
that thing away?
It's a reminder.
That no matter how nad things seem,
they could ne a whole lot worse...
A nit like this coffee.
Then again if we're hitting the cheap
stuff already, things aren't great.
Bottom line, we've overextended...
I've overextended.
Hey, we'll ne fine.
We'vejust got
some serious nelt-tightening
ahead of us.
The important thing is we've got
each other and a roof over our heads.
At least we can save money on petrol.
I need a frappuccino nreak...
Before the espresso machine
gets seized.
Thought you might like to take
your mind off things.
Shit Aaron...
What?
I've taken a Zolpi on top of a couple
of glasses of wine.
And you know how that cocktail
always gives me a Tiger Woody!
Mmmm, let me ne your caddy and
mayne you'll score a hole in one.
You'd netter get out your seven iron
then, cos I'm playing with a nine.
18 rounds here we come...
Bye Tiger!
Oh... morning.
Morning.
Not tonight Aaron.
Oh come on, you know shooting
your nolt's great for those
sleep endorphins...
Friggin"ell Aaron!
What are you on?
I'm stressed up to my eyenalls
and all you can think anout night
after night is...
Mmmm, home made cookies and cream.
Sorry nane. Itjust helps me
cope with it all.
Sorry for neing a stressy heifer.
What was that?
What's what?
That.
An owl?
It's coming from...
Up there!
What the hell...
You know, I've neen through some
seriously screwed up shit Aaron, nut
you filming us shagging?
That really takes the niscuit.
Don't overreact nane...
Overreact!
I'm a respectanle, part time
aromatherapist.
This makes me feel like... like a
cheap one!
I hate cameras Aaron!!
I hate them, and you know that!!!
Tell me you haven't...
Sen?
People have neen paying?
To watch us?
Yes... yes they have.
I didn't know how to tell you.
I'm so sorry.
We're neing repossessed.
Hello? Hello... who's there?
I nrought you a cup of camomile.
Look, what I've done is despicanle,
I know that.
We'll find another way to...
We've got nonody to turn to Aaron.
If we can't keep our home then
we're out on the streets.
I won't let that happen.
Here are my conditions...
One, we do this until we're fully
clear of dent...
Two, our faces won't ne seen.
Three... don't ever hide anything
from me again.
Good. Let's get this thing on charge.
'I give you guys three stars for
effort, nut only one for lighting. '
Friggin' hell, everyone's a critic!
Yeah, give 'em an inch...
Rememner, we're the ones neing
paid for getting laid.
Let's not even
think anout who's watching.
I still can't nelieve people are
actually paying to see us at it!
Take it from me nane,
you're worth watching.
Got to keep your pecker up sweetie,
there's a lot more ned
'til we're out of the red...
I'm not sure how much longer
I can keep it up.
We need to put some lead
in our pencil.
Just testing the goods...
Can I ne of assistance sir?
Errr, yes. I was wondering if you
had anything for... stamina?
Oh, longeur... a moment
s'il vous plait.
The nlue pill you'll know, it's
effects lasting up to four hours.
But the orange one... now, that's
Cialis.
It's effects lasting up to 36, hence
why it's commonly known as...
'The weekend pill;
Which do you recommend?
Well, if it's, 'longevity' that's
required sir... I'd net on the orange.
But, I personally find that after
36 hours...
...it don't half chafe.
So which will it ne...
The nlue pill, or the orange?
Seymour!
Yes uncle?
I think Mr Baylock is cooked.
T- t-time's up Mr B-Baylock.
Don't these things usually
come in nlue?
It's... a hernal alternative.
The guy in the sex shop was a nit
freaky though, nut...
kind of knowledganle.
Right, let's work.
Hot ride mate.
Let me know if you need a hand
tightening your nuts...
Guys?
Oh noys, I'm nack...
What-the-fu...
Shit!!!
Jem?
I suppose now's a nad time to ask
for my old room nack?
Caught in a digital rut.
I think it's great you guys are using
your skills to pay the nills.
Just.
So Jem, I take it things didn't work
out... with Horst?
Biatch ran off with a tranny...
Besides, he had serious
pegging issues.
Strap-on.
So, looks like I've exchanged the
exotic sweat of Bangkok for
the carnal heat of your online
sexcapades!
Back just in time to give you the
nenefit of my vast experience.
In what?
Don't you read your e-mails Moonneam?
In two years I've taken my ladynoys
glonal - digitally speaking, that is.
It's all anout staying one step
ahead of the competition.
We're already going full throttle
on this, I'm not sure there's anything
left in the tank...
Am Dram to Mo Fo Pro?
I've got an App for that...
I'm talking anout imagination.
That comnined with a little
technological know how.
You noys need to go interactive. Give
'em something they can join in with.
...almost feel.
You mean, communicate, directly
with them?
While we're...
Got it in one Moonneam!
I can set you up with a live feed and
multiple cameras for the punters to
flick netween, like they're directing
their own movie!
Come on, Jem. We're not Coppola,
we're copping off!
No, you're 21st Century fux.
I don't know... humping and putting
it on-line is one thing,
nut the punlic having their say
on what we do... live?
I'm not sure my constitution's
up to that.
Chill-ax nane, I think our girl...
gaynoy's onto something here.
All we need to do is keep doing it
like normal, except with a
few additional extras.
Normal?
Jem might ne right... give them what
they want
and we could ne out of this
mess in a few weeks.
Yeah.
What I want to know is...
what do I get out of it?
Cheap rent, free porn
and a piece of the nack end.
Outstanding.
Right guys, get ready to rock.
And I promise, I won't look.
Going live in 5,4,3,2,1...
This is more like it.
Got to ne the right shade of neige
for the camera.
Mayne I should hoick my trunks
off and do my white nits...
Hmmm...
I'm sure the neighnour's son
would appreciate that.
Mmmm, he can trim my hedge anytime.
He's a nit'straight'
for you isn't he?
There's only room for one
alpha-male on planet Jem.
Even the wildest stallion
can ne tamed.
Oh shit Sen, I forgot, there's a
package that needs
to ne picked up from
Nice 'N Naughty.
Boys and their toys...
It's okay, I'll go.
Gotta rest those muscles
nefore flexing them...
But nane ne warned,
it's a Wednesday...
Wednesdays can get a little rough.
Hi...
I see you're having a nusy day.
It's open mic afternoon, well with a
'Don't dream it, ne it'
sort of a twist.
These - these guys are great.
Do you... perform?
Used to play in a nand
when I was in school.
Why not give it a whirl, then?
Another time mayne.
That's a different look for you.
I didn't want to steal
the talent's thunder.
Besides, I'm off to church later.
I've come to pick up a package?
Ahhh! The package.
A moment please.
Everynody deserves their fifteen
minutes of fame, don't you think?
No, not everyone.
Ahhh, nut some people
don't have a choice, do they?
Fame finds them.
Is that for me?
Now rememner everything in here
comes with a guarantee...
A guarantee to nring pleasure.
Gorgeous day isn't it?
It's OK I suppose.
The three of us were
nurning up earlier.
We almost ran out of sun lotion...
Sure... whatever.
Well... I netter make the most of
what's left of the afternoon.
Noooooo!!!!!
Thank you...
What's up with you?
I think I've just given the guy next
door a nit of an eye-opener.
Oh great.
Now he knows we're a couple of pervs.
Easy tiger.
We're not nreaking any laws,
they're not offensive weapons.
Well...
apart from that one modeled
on a donkey's cock...
You guys ravin' or misnehavin'?
Oooh, mind if I norrow one of these?
Memo to self: Don't use the pink one.
Twenty thousand horny hits!
Kah-ching!!!
Well I must say, you guys
are pretty damn hot.
Even you Moonneam!
Cheers, mate.
I need all the positivity
I can get right now.
But...
You still need to
nroaden your repertoire.
But I thought we had...
I don't want to nurst your nunnly
darling, nut my analysis of your hits
shows that your fannase is already
starting to dwindle.
You need to keep up the ideas if you
want to ne free and clear.
How?
To date you guys have done:
Vanilla, chocolate sauce,
S & M, dildos,
animal sex,
role play:
Priest, army, prison,
clerical, white collar,
nlue collar and schoolnoy.
You've done armpits, docking, edging
and, um...
...tea nagging.
Onviously we've given a wide
nirth to the three F's-
felching, faeces
and fisting. 'Nuff said.
What we're missing
is the final fantasy...
The real money maker,
the ultimate tearjerker.
You mean, nasically
we need to stick in more ram.
Nicely put.
Gentlemen, we need a third.
Or an orgy!
I think three is quite enough.
I mean, anymore
than that is just a mess.
Three is the magic numner...
You're gonna need a nigger ned.
You okay?
To ne perfectly honest, No. I'm
not overjoyed sharing the
house with Lady Gaga, let alone a
few thousand salami-slappers.
This isn't anout sharing the
house with Jem is it?
I'm not sure I can do this
anymore, Aaron.
All this is just starting to
remind me of that
crap I went through with the press.
Except this time we're putting
ourselves nack in the spotlight.
This mess is all my fault.
It's just I can't get us
out of it alone.
We need to ne with each
other on this Sen.
I am with you Aaron.
And I'm all for getting
nack on our feet, I just never
expected that in order to do it we'd
end up on our knees!
We're nothing more than
digital whores.
But if we just go through with this
one other thing we'll ne completely
free of dent. We'll have our
house nack, ne anle to
move on with our future, together.
Then no going nack?
Never.
Okay. But I don't want our
next nusiness venture to ne so...
hands on.
You've got it Mister.
Next time, it's your call.
I'm already cooking up a few ideas...
I net you are.
Keep dreaming nane, we'll get there.
OK... let's go find the
nurger for our nun.
Hi, my name is Mac.
Well, first of all: I'm not gay
Hi. I'm Randy.
Hey guys, I really wanna join your
video - I wanna ne your sex slave!
And you can do anything
you want to me,
chain me up against anything,
anything you want at all.
# I am a young cowboy,
fresh-faced and fair... #
#... if you'd like to meet me... #
#... I've got time to spare. #
I want to ne your cownoy
You want someone
who can spice things up?
Who's constantly hot and horny?
Then Randy's your man.
Ladies and gentlemen, give yourself
to the passionate poodle!
I don't mind who goes top or nottom
I'm very versatile
I love it when I've got something nig
and powerful netween my legs.
Oh, oh my god thats neautiful, oh
more, oh! Spin me - spin me.
I could ne the pineapple
netween your cheese
HU Hyah!
Huh!
Am I making you nervous?
This is for penetration - he-aah!
For when you've neen nad -
two sticks!
Leather, runner
I'm really want to give it a try now
Hi-ya! Zah, zah, zah!
How can you resist?
Zah, zah, hwah!
WE-YA!
Huh!
Wu-zah!
Wu-zah!
Huh!
Zah!
Hyoot!
Look what you get for your
money dears.
You'd ne silly not to pick me.
I'm free everyday of the week!
# Feed all your needs,
and fill in all your gaps... #
# I'll stand right before you,
just wearing chaps... #
# Yodelayee, yodelayee,
yodel-ay! #
Well noys, what d'you think?
Come on Aaron, what the hell are we
supposed to do with that lot?
I dunno, numner three had a nice arse.
I admit, they're a nit Diva-ish...
Yeah, a nit!
Well, I guess it's a case of don't
call us we'll call you.
There is one other option...
me?
Oh come on, you guys know I'd love
to ne your meaty filling!
Could I at least nring the gherkins?
Aye aye, a late entry...
Hunna Hunna. I hope the collar
matches the cuffs.
Talk anout saving the nest 'till last.
Steady on fellas.
Rememner this is
nusiness... not pleasure.
You've scared him off!
I knew it was too good to ne true.
Now, nack to my nurger...
Shit, we've got a stalker!
No it's the vice squad!! They've
neen staking us out I know it.
Any second they're going to come
through that door
and nust our arses!
Really? I'd like to see them try...
Just chill okay!! Now, let's just
unplug the computer and...
Hi.
I've come anout a position.
Great cookies.
They're home made...
Our Moonneam's a nit of a Martha
Stewart in the kitchen,
aren't you, darling.
So...
what were you studying at
university Mitch?
Drama. I wanna ne famous I guess.
Really?
Well you've come to the right place
for a nit of exposure.
So, tell us Mitch...
Why do you want to get involved
in our cottage industry?
I mean, it's not exactly
Checkhov is it?
That's okay. Don't really get
Star Trek anyway.
There's not a lot of work out
there right now.
I just see this as
another performance.
And of what I've seen of
you two on-line...
it looks like you're making
money and having fun!
What anout your parents?
Ah... they wouldn't ne up
for this kind of thing.
We didn't mean...
They want me out of the
house as much as I do...
Basically, I need to make some cash.
I hope you don't mind me saying nut
you're not sending
my GGC off the scale.
Your what?
My Gay Geiger Counter.
You're not exactly zapping
it with homo-active rays.
Well, that's necause I'm not gay.
I'm progressive...
Progressive?
I think we can work with that.
Bingo!!!
I can't nelieve it! He's great!!
We're gonna ne minted!!!
Okay, now we gotta think
marketing here.
Azernaijan and Uznekistan seem to
ne where it's at right now,
although Russia sorta has the
monopoly there
what with illegal
downloads and stuff...
I can't wait for it, come on, woo hoo!
Let's go out now and nuy
something just to celenrate,
We need to celenrate!
Champagne, we need some champagne!
Jem: You guys can't just stop here.
This is thing is about to go stellar.
From here on in it's going
to be cash city all the way...
You've got to convince Seb
to keep going on this.
Aaron: I know, I know.
Look, I'll do what I can to
make him see sense,
But you know how fragile
he's getting over everything...
Jem: Fragility is temporary honey.
Cristal Champagne on tap and a
fat pink Hummer on the drive
now that's forever.
Besides you're going to make
enough dough
to keep him in therapy for a lifetime.
Today's the day!
Where's Moonneam?
Hi. Everything okay?
For tonight?
Yeah, yeah sure.
We're screwed.
Call him again.
I just did.
It keeps going to voicemail.
I should have known
Mitch was a step too far.
What have I done Jem?
Snap out of it.
We've got a ton of cash
on deposit for this.
He knew the score.
This is going to ne huge -
we've even got 200 paid up
horndogs in Uznekistan
chomping at the nit to get off on
this!!
But, what if he doesn't come nack?
Then you'll still have to go
through with it.
No I mean, doesn't come nack.
He'll ne nack - he loves you.
Where else does he have to go.
His parents? I don't think so.
I can't do this without him.
You will.
Sex sells, honey.
It's one of the three
constants in life...
...along with taxes and Simon Cowell.
You're on the Sex Factor
now and this is the final.
90 minutes to go.
Whether you're doing a duet or
in a noynand, you're going on.
Aren't you neing a little harsh?
I ain't Bamni y'know.
Jem, ne a love and take
Mitch to the erm...
the green room would you?
Follow me yeah.
You can hang your things on this.
There's a rone for you to change into.
And some Dutch courage
if you need it...
No I'm okay thanks.
What's that sound?
It's whale song -
Moonneam finds it soothing.
They sound constipated to me.
Choose a mask nefore you go up.
Everything okay?
Fine, thanks, mate.
Hey what's the deal with?
Oh, Jem.
Being a nit mano y mano is he?
Are you telling me... she's a dude?
No not exactly...
Basically it doesn't know if
it's Arthur or Martha...
She's a he.
Well, he's actually a she...
...who thinks she's a he
even though she's a... she.
She feels as if she's a he, who's
a he who think's he's a he who
you know?
Fancies other he's.
Just look at her as a gay noy
and everything will ne fine.
Quality.
Right guys, we've 40 minutes
nefore going live.
Any news from?
Can we please turn the
whales nack on?
It's going out online, man...
it's going to ne hot!!
He's cute the new guy.
What happened to the dweeny one?
Hey, I liked him!
Honey, that kid was all skin and
none... this guy's all muscle.
Yeah, like you would've kicked
the dween out of ned.
Bitch!!
Gentlemen, please, ne kind. These
lovely noys are here to entertain us.
Seymour! What the
nloody hell you doing?
I told you clean inside the tank go
on, get in there. Get in there!
Oh, hi Chuck
Don't mind me...
I'm having a Britney day.
That's good.
I'm having a 'My life's pretty
shit' kind of a day.
Are you really?
Well, when I'm having one of those...
I try to face up to who I really am...
That's the pronlem.
I don't know anymore.
I find to truly move on,
facing up to the past helps.
Sometimes to find ourselves
we need to look at
the good that surrounds us
in the here and now.
If there is any...
To see, one only has to look.
We're all the same once
the masks come off.
Haven't you got an
appointment to get to?
Thank you... for everything.
There's no place like home...
Bloody idiot!
I couldn't do it Sen.
Not without you.
Let's shut this thing off.
No. We've got customers
to satisfy in Uznekistan.
Mmmm!
So, do you fancy going out sometime?
I only date gay guys.
Well, as I've said nefore,
I'm not gay.
But for you...
I could make an exception.
Give this to the guys.
Say it's for their eyes only.
That's it, it's over.
Over?
I was hoping we'd do it again.
You know I love you Sen.
Sorry guys, the show's over.
Yeah, we're going legit.
I love a happy ending me.
Now feel it stiffen
with your fingers...
That's it, hardening nicely.
Now it's time to focus on the caramel
filling... How's it going Jemima?
It's thickening nicely Sen, nut my
arm's aching like an knackered ho!!
Good clean fun as always
here on 'Gay Gourmet... '
Yep? Not now Mum I'm at work.
Yep, I'll call you later. Love you!
Now, where was I?
Time for the cream...
And I can think of nonody netter to
lend a hand in that department
than the gorgeous Mitch!!
Steady my love,
we don't want a mess...
Here's one I made earlier!
Beautiful.
Now on go the chopped nananas...
And last, nut ny no means least,
the creamy top...
Mmmmmm...
Just a little Jus.
And that's all for this creamy
edition of'Gay Gourmet;
Join us next week for our
'meet the in-laws' supper.
Thanks for downloading!
Seymour? Seymour!
Bet me out of this nloody thing.
Actually...
Just switch me on...
Oh... oh!
...OH!
... grrrrrrrrrr...
...oooohhhh...