Busboys (2026) Movie Script
1
Hey!
Hey, Markie,
good to see you.
Oh, oh-ho, this is Pumpkin here.
Yeah, um, give him
a good ride because
he only has two days
left to live
and, uh, his best friend
just died.
- Oh.
- He's not well.
Hey, but you guys
have so much fun.
- And don't let him drive.
- Okay.
- No worry.
- Bye, Pumpkin.
Come here. Hey.
Bye.
You know, Pumpkin,
the good news is
at least you had a best friend.
I never had that kinda luck.
Folks don't really take to me.
I kinda drive 'em away.
You're kinda quiet, bud.
This is your last lap, so what
do you want to do?
Okay.
Whatever you want.
Oh, you want to go faster?
All right.
Yeah!
Really?
Okay.
You're kind of a dick, dude.
Yeah, hit it.
Hurry up, twin!
Come on, we got a big day.
Hey, tag me in, boss!
Hippos are a bloat.
A group of bees
is called a swarm.
"Dear Dad, not sure if
you're getting my letters.
I really miss you.
Mom isn't the same."
And a group of pigs
is a police station.
Yeah.
Steef, pay attention.
-Eyes up front.
-Uh...
Can you tell me what
a group of crows is called?
It's called a murder.
And you know what, Steef?
A hint on how
you can memorize murder?
Think of your dad.
Isn't your dad
in prison for murder?
So crow
equals Steef's dad.
I heard his dad
was a drug dealer.
I heard people
are trying to kill him
because of his dad.
Guess I'm not that dumb.
Figured which letters
to erase in my head.
You forgot the W.
I'm dropping out.
- Uh...
- Who's that, your girlfriend?
Good one.
What are you guys up to today?
Just did
some looting this morning.
I think we found Jon Benet's
wedding dress.
- Hey, are you okay back there?
- What do you care?
Why don't you shove
that dog up your ass?
Hey, be cool.
He's got-- he's got cancer.
That truck's got cancer.
You should call it
Not-enough-car,
Not-enough-truck.
I got a Mercedes lined up.
This is kind of a rental right
now, but...
It's a nice dream.
You know, you're going
to wake up in the backseat
with your-- with your dick
in your hand.
Oh, whoops, sorry.
You don't have
a backseat or a dick.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm gonna cruise.
-Take care, dudes.
-All right, stay black, bitch.
Have fun at Jiffy Lube.
Hey, you need a hall pass.
I'm dropping out.
Screw y'all.
I'm his mother.
Made him with my own vagina,
if that's okay with you.
He's alive?
Someone said he
was dead on text.
Did you save him?
Yeah.
I think he got hit by a car.
What happened was, uh, I saw him
on the side of the road,
and then I carried him and
brought him here in my truck.
"He is not dead yet.
Y'all are so dumb, LOL, BRB."
You're a savior.
He probably
won't make it, though.
"Doesn't
look good, prob dead."
-Oh, God.
-You're here.
Did you get the insurance deal?
I just printed it.
It's the free one,
but it covers indoor lighting,
and room-temp water deaths.
Did he drown?
Looks wet.
Oh, God, he drowned.
No, I'm-- I--
I think he's gonna be okay.
I don't know.
Our family dies easily.
God, I loved him.
And you'll love
that insurance money.
I know what you're gonna get.
-Hmm.
-Something God didn't
give us 'cause he don't love us.
Are you going to take the
insurance money
to buy yourself a wiener?
Why, are you selling?
No, I need mine.
What do you need it for?
Yeah, what do you need it for?
All right, got to run.
Ponderosa's having
crab leg night,
and we get one free entre if
we're there by five.
Ah.
All right, I'll hang with him.
I'll-- I'll
- keep an eye on him.
- Let's go.
Can't believe he's dead.
Did my mom stop by?
Um...
No, I don't think so yet.
But, you know,
I'm sure she will.
I'd be surprised if she does.
So what's your name?
Steef, with an F.
Steve?
Where's the F at the end?
Steve. Stevef?
-Steef.
-Stevef?
-Steef.
-I'm saying it, Stevef.
Am I saying something different?
Steef.
Steef, do I have to
spell it out?
-Yes.
-S-T-E-E-F.
-Wrong.
-It's Steef.
Well, that's good.
Steef is... yeah-- I'm Markie.
So I don't know what to do.
Do you want me to
...call your school,
say you're not coming or?
I-- I just quit.
If you wanna
come down to my job,
we're always looking
for a new hand.
Do you like fancy restaurants?
No reverb.
Yeah, some pumps pumping.
Hey, Mr. Troy,
I just wanna say thanks
for all the work, man. It's a
blessing to be working here
near fine dining, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
I was kinda wondering if, um...
...maybe you could help me with,
like, a raise
or some benefits
or something, uh...
Inflation's been
kicking my butt,
and my mom's on my case,
about paying for her sex change.
Yeah, uh...
In due time, pal, okay?
In due time.
I don't think you remember
a couple of years ago,
I was giving you
a college credit.
Yeah. It was awful nice of you.
I should have been in college.
Listen...
...the truth of the matter is,
I can't put your legal name down
on payroll because somebody
might know your daddy
and come snooping around.
And I don't need
that kind of aggravation.
But I'll tell you what
I will do...
Two fist pumps.
Here we go. There you go.
Boom, boom.
Feel better?
Ah, listen to that flow.
It's beautiful.
Whoa, spoke too soon.
That sounds like...
Bichon bones?
Nah, I know that rattle.
Jeez, I wish this was Jeopardy.
I'd win, right?
What are dentures, Alex?
It happens a lot.
Some dude squeezes
out a big dump
and then, uh, he turns around to
peep his bulwark and plop.
His teeth fall in.
Yeah. Alex is dead.
I think his wife killed him.
-No.
-Speaking of death,
Markie's worrying himself into
an early grave, sir.
He's got to take Pam on an
anniversary date this week
and he doesn't know
what to get her.
Oh, jeez.
Give it a kick, will you?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Boom.
Good kick, but you're gonna
need a hammer for that bulge.
-There you go.
-Oh,
bet I can get it in six swings.
No way. There's too much
BM in there.
But you know what?
You want a raise,
so I will bet you $20
that it takes you ten swings.
You're on.
Hey, Markie.
Ooh, he says four swings.
Hammer time.
Yeah.
Go.
Yeah.
Boom.
Oh, it's moving. Four!
You know something, pal?
You are the Thor of pipe shit.
Thanks, Mr. Troy.
I feel good.
Hey, what's up, Terry?
What's up, Steef? My dad got
y'all herding shit logs.
You little Australian
shit shepherd--
ship-- shepherd, shep-shit...
The-- The sheep that
chase around the--
you know what I'm saying.
You and Mark
are a bunch of
shit-wrangling butt birds
and that's all y'all
ever gonna be.
At least your dad's
around, Terry.
Your dad's still in prison?
Maybe if you were cooler,
he might not have
went to prison.
You ever think about that?
Hey, whoa.
Come on, can it, Terry.
You gonna help?
You want to grab a shovel?
Or you're just gonna be a dick?
Help you? Do this shit?
Suck out crapper tanks
for a living?
Hell nah.
I would never do that.
That's a job for stanky-ass,
trailer-trash folks
like yourself.
No offense, Dad.
I hope you change
your mind one day, son.
Shit, I'm never doing any of
this goddamn bullshit.
You want me to suck
out some butt funk?
I'm freaking outta here, dude.
Have fun with them turds
and.
Plus, I'm working on my YouTube
channel.
Cardi B liked one of my stories.
Y'all ever heard of Logan Paul?
How about you suck
on these Logan balls?
Call the weatherman.
I'm dating a squirter.
- 100% chance of...
- Oof...
Make sure to like, share,
and subscribe, pussy.
-More like block.
-Suck my dick.
Not you, Dad.
Later, Terry.
What up, bitches?
Welcome back to my channel.
What's up, chat, Terry
getting lifted into lifting.
And if you're feeling gifted,
give me your dad's
credit card information.
Oh!
Subscribe!
That's lunch.
Is it? Okay...
All right.
He's in a better place.
You think so?
Thank you.
Indeed.
God hit that subscribe button
and brought him home.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Who knew we'd be
working here today?
-What are the odds?
-I know.
Folks, I'm sorry,
but a contract's a contract.
I love my son.
I miss him.
I'm gonna start it up, boys.
Here we go.
Shit, that better not be Terry.
A young angel
who lived life with zest.
- Hey!
- Is that your mom?
Where's my dick?
-Hey...
-Mom.
Where's my cock money?
- We're working.
- That's funny.
I don't see any poop pipes.
- Yeah, 'cause they're underground.
- -A young angel
- who lived life with zest.
- Oh, how convenient.
You two are over here playing
Michael Shit-Myer's,
not making any cash,
and I'm sitting around
on this boring pussy all day.
- Okay, okay.
- -A Chinese proverb tells us
the best time to plant a tree...
Mom, just call me.
...is 20 years ago.
They're talking about me
in all the chat rooms!
Jesus fucking Christ.
Take care.
Bye, Mom.
It's good to see your mom.
Yeah, she's doing better.
She's still pissed
that I chickened out
on that insurance
deal at the hospital.
You mean when you lived?
- Yeah.
She's big on loyalty.
- Yeah. Hm.
A Chinese proverb tells us
the best time to plant
a tree is 20 years ago.
The second best time is now.
Wise words.
Words Terry lived by,
and kept in the "about" section
of his YouTube info page.
Don't wait for life
to come to you.
You've got to go out
and grab the life you want
before it's too late.
Yeah.
I'm late.
It's okay. No need to be sorry.
Pam, I know we've
been together six months,
so, without further ado...
Oh, I'm fucking starving.
Yeah, it's pretty
-slammed.
-How we doing, guys?
I'm Mikey. I'm gonna
be your waiter tonight.
Could I, uh, get you started
with anything?
All kinds of things.
Can I, uh, get a glass of wine?
Oh, yeah, I can get you
whatever you want.
I'm a waiter.
Thanks.
Hey, can I get some water?
Yeah, there's a water
fountain down the street,
by the park.
But, uh,
why don't I go see about that
- glass of wine?
- Yeah,
I wanted to say,
is a Chinese proverb--
-Hot plate!
-Ow!
-Fuck! God dang!
-I told you, hot plate.
You pushed it
right in my hands.
Ah, shoot, wrong table.
My bad.
God damn. Oh, oh...
Here we--
Oh, I love that necklace.
- Are those diamonds?
- No.
Markie gave it to me.
It's zircon,
and the chain's copper.
Oh, they use copper
to make machine parts,
like hinges and doorknobs.
He stole my heart.
Look what he wrote on it.
"To my sweatheart."
- He spelled it "sweat."
- Ooh, come on.
Say, uh, where's our hot waiter?
Hmm, I'll go grab him.
Hey, save some for me.
Can't promise.
His eyes might be green,
but he's not.
Plowed through
everyone in this place,
present company included.
Lovely to meet you.
Yes.
Where was I?
For our anniversary weekend,
I thought we'd
go to Magic Cacti.
I got a room there
for a couple nights,
and I think it'll be
even more magical.
Hot plate, hot plate!
Don't touch it,
it's a hot plate!
Take it, take it, take it!
-Ow!
-Oh, shoot, wrong table.
Sorry, my bad.
What the fuck? Did--
-Does anyone have any aloe vera?
-No.
I want-- I'm sorry, I
wanted to ask you a question.
And I just-- everyone keeps
interrupting.
Magic Cacti sounds
boring as shit.
I heard you can't
even smoke there.
- Here's some bread,
buddy.
- Did I hear you say Magic Cacti?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually going there
this weekend.
I hear it's so much fun.
I know, just
the word "cacti" is fun.
Dessert, ice cream for two.
Oh, does that-- Ow!
-God!
-Hot plate.
Why would ice cream be hot?
I told him it was a hot plate.
Alright, my bad, wrong table.
-Shit.
-Hey, man,
this, uh-- they're towing
your car outside.
- What? My car?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Wha-- What?
G-- Hold on, honey. Does anyone
have aloe vera?
I'll be right back.
Markie thinks he's so fucking
cool with his Mercedes.
It's a piece of shit.
I wouldn't even drive my family
off a cliff in this thing.
Yeah, I don't understand
why Pam even likes him.
He's dumber than JFK
after the first bullet.
Oh, lunch bunch, huh?
Oh, I know what'll go with
those. A couple diet sodas.
Keep your kidneys on their toes.
I'll grab 'em.
"Diet sodas,
fellas. Diet sodas."
He's been a diet soda ever since
he got hit by that car.
What a bitch.
Imagine your dad goes to jail
and then instead of your dad
getting out of jail,
you get hit by a fucking car.
Yeah, I seen that dumbass
walking around like Rain Man
- at the funeral yesterday.
- Too bad it wasn't
Markie's funeral.
There you go, fellas.
We were just kidding, man.
Sure. I didn't hear anything.
-JFK like the rapper, right?
-Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Markie?
-You've been crying?
-No, I was just doing
an oil change on here.
With your eyes?
- Were you crying 'cause of Pam?
- No.
No.
Shit.
It's just these fucking turds
are making fun of me
and shitting all over me, and...
...Pam hasn't gotten back to me
for some reason.
Everything's gonna be okay, man.
This is the ring
I got her. Look at that thing.
-Huh?
-Oh...
-Oh, boy.
-Look at that.
-What side is the diamond on?
-Uh...
I saw it earlier.
Oh, there it is.
- That's some real marriage metal, man.
- -Yeah.
You two are gonna be so happy.
Oh, shit.
Oh... There she posted it again.
It says, "Ready to celebrate"
with a cactus emoji.
Awesome!
She's setting up for your
anniversary at Magic Cacti.
She went early.
Girls love to do that, Markie.
Well, why hasn't she
texted me back?
Suspense.
Haven't you seen Jaws
or Saving Private Ryan?
It's-- Goddamn,
that's right.
That's good.
I like the way you think, man.
Well, shit,
what am I worried about?
Hey, come with us.
Nah, that's just for you two.
No way. If we get married,
you gotta be my best man.
Wouldn't miss it.
But as soon as we get back,
I gotta lock down
my mom's sex change.
Some of the items
are on sale right now.
Do you think my mom will be
happier when she's my dad?
Or is that dumb?
Kindness is never dumb.
I just wanna have a dad again.
We'll make it happen.
Have I ever let you down?
-Come on.
-Not yet.
Fuck, dude, Jaws was good.
Jaws was all right.
I mean, I gotta admit it.
Waiters are cool.
They just are.
I mean, the way
they enter a room,
the way they memorize your order
without writing any shit down.
They get free refills.
They steal your chick.
You don't know that, Markie.
You're just guessing.
Yeah, I'm just guessing,
but goddamn,
they-- they carry prestige,
you know what I mean?
And they make all the money.
We're on the wrong end
of the food chain, bud.
They're on the food end.
We're on the other end,
where the food comes out.
Shit, no wonder Pam
is so enchanted with him.
I get it. They fucking rule.
That's crazy talk.
You're so much better
than you think.
I bet you couldn't name 70
waiters better than you.
Rick Spicer.
Yeah.
Old Spicedog.
Now, he was a good waiter.
-Yeah.
-Damn.
-R.I.P., huh? Yeah.
-R.I.P. Hmm.
Fuck. Only 32 more, man.
This is a sucker bet.
So you're saying
I'm wrong about Pam?
I don't know what I'm saying,
but by guessing
that she's cheating on you,
you're not giving
y'all's love a chance.
I don't wanna be right.
I wanna be wrong,
but like I said,
she hasn't texted or called
in three days going on four.
Hello? Airplane mode.
I always drive
with airplane mode on.
Oh.
A car is just a airplane
without wings on a road.
Brad Forrester, Fuddruckers.
-Woo! Ah...
-Good one, man.
-R.I.P., man.
-R.I.P.
-Yeah.
-Ugh...
Cat attack, huh?
Mm-hmm. I was there.
Oh, shit. Hang on.
There you go...
Hey, check my phone.
I think she just posted
something.
Oh, yeah.
Take those fucking pants off.
Oh, it looks like
they're, uh--
They? He's not
in her stories, is he?
- Oh, it's sickening.
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
- Oh, yeah, what's that?
- Oh, they're-- oh...
- Serve me
-that fucking waiter dick.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. Serve me
that waiter dick. Fuck.
Oh, my God.
She's not wearing anything.
- Yeah.
- Yes, she is, Markie.
- She's wearing that gold
necklace you got her.
Right there, bouncing
off that guy's wiener.
I saw.
God dang it. My life sucks,
and your life sucks adjacent.
Everyone's always
making fun of me.
Shit. They're making
fun of you, too.
You just don't hear 'em.
I hear 'em.
Dude, I don't wanna
go to Magic Cacti
where my relationship is over.
And I don't wanna go back home
where everyone
thinks I'm a loser.
Well, I don't wanna
go back to a place
where I... can't escape
my dad's shadow...
...can't make any money.
And I definitely don't wanna
go to a place
where you're not gonna be.
You know what they say.
"All good things
happen in Mexico."
- I've heard that.
- Yes, you have.
Let's do it.
Is Mexico closed?
"Go around?"
I mean...
What a rip-off, dude.
Dude, look out.
Oh, shit. Did you see that?
Yeah.
Remember I said, "Look out"?
Shit, what was that?
Oh, my God. I-- Did I hit it?
Nah, you'd hear it.
Like that.
Yeah. Shit, will you turn on
the rodent radar?
Yeah.
-Oh, it's just rabbits.
-Rabbits.
Oh...
God dang.
-Markie...
-Why are there so many?
-What is going on?
-Markie, it's not about them.
-It's about you.
-I know, but they're
just running.
They're rabbits.
Stay on the side, just let us--
Ugh, Markie, come on.
Is this a senior area?
I don't think that's right.
- Fat young?
- Fat young what?
An Asian?
Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit.
Dude, we're gonna hydroplane.
How many are there...?
Oh, sorry, I meant...
I can't stop. If I go too slow,
I hear crunching,
and if I go fast,
I just hear thumping.
- What do I do?
- Rabbit. Rabbit.
Just floor it.
Oh, shit.
Rabbit. Rabbit.
-Fuck, dude!
-Goddamn.
Oh, so sad. Oh, no,
- poor Rabbit. So many rabbits.
- It hurts.
Now what?
Let me think for a second.
That's a sign.
-What is?
-That sign.
That's the sign.
Do you see it?
Oh, shit. Dixie Chicks
are coming to Tucson.
No. Well, that says
"Chicks with Dicks" are coming.
Oh, I probably won't go.
-I might go.
-This sign.
See it?
Yeah.
You know what
busboys hatch into...
-What?
-Waiters.
-Waiters.
-Yeah.
Shit, let's do this.
Not without a plan.
Okay. You're right.
All right, here's the plan.
We go in, charm them,
get the job.
We're busboys for three days.
Then we get bumped up
to waiters,
and then everything
happens for us.
Pam comes running back,
follows me on Instagram.
You take care of your mom.
You get her that...
And we're done, dude.
-Yeah.
-Let's go. You ready?
-Let's go.
-All right.
...Open Border Bistro.
Table for two?
Uh, we wanted
to see the manager.
Oh, all right.
Usually you guys just meet them
in the bathroom stall.
"In the bathroom," you said?
Make a right, make a left.
I'll send them right in.
Thank you.
This place is bumpin'.
Look at all the food.
It's like a magazine.
It looks fun.
-How do I look?
-Like a new employee.
There you go. Okay. You know
what? You look good, too.
But, I-- you know what?
I think you should--
you should
go in a different stall.
It's not that professional
if we're all in the same stall.
I think you go
to that one, all right?
-Because it looks a
little desperate.
-All right.
Okay. Talk to you in a minute.
Oh, yeah. This is--
this is better.
-Are you good?
-I'm great. Yeah.
And, look, you start the
conversation, and if you have
any issues,
bang on the wall.
I'll lean over and say
something supportive.
- Yeah, we got this.
- Okay.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
We're here for the job.
Hey, I thought we discussed I
was gonna talk first.
Oh, yeah. My bad, sorry.
Never mind. Someone else is
gonna say something.
We're here for the job.
Hi. Come on in.
I wanted to thank you for--
-Hey, you like sports?
-Hey...
-You know, I do. I actually--
-What's your wiener taste like?
-My wiener?
-Shh, don't say anything.
- Just be here.
- Okay.
Just be here.
What's it taste like?
I'm guessing it--
maybe, like, skin...
Keep going. Shh...
-Okay. Well--
-Don't say anything.
Tell me what it tastes like.
I would say s-- skin, maybe.
-And then, like, uh--
-Oh, shh, stop it.
Keep going.
You want me to be quiet,
or do you want me to talk?
Shh. Quiet, quiet.
Tell me what it's like.
Okay. I would say it's a s--
little skin, maybe,
and then maybe like the
inside of my underpants.
Oh, fuck.
God, that's good.
Keep going.
Skin, underpants, maybe a little
pee-pee.
Can you feel me
pinching your nuts?
I actually can.
Make your favorite
face for me.
Make your favorite face
for me right now.
Right now.
- Yes. Keep going.
- Um...
-Keep going. Shh. Shh.
-Yeah.
Shh...
Oh, yeah.
That's wet.
Yeah. Any cavities?
Ooh, you nasty.
I'm nasty.
What's your favorite position?
-Waiter, hopefully.
-But we'll accept busboy.
We saw the sign.
W-- The sign?
Oh, the sign.
What?
So?
Are we busboys?
That's why you guys came here?
The busboy job?
What do you think
we're doing here?
Here to suck your dick?
Yeah...
I-- I can't even
suck my own dick.
The problem is busboys
are, like, 19.
-Oh, we've been 19. You were--
-Yeah,
-We were 19--
-Yeah, I was 19 a long time ago.
- Yeah.
- You're 19,000.
Manager Tim, we got a 12-top
with a chile relleno issue.
Fuck my life.
Well, you have any
fine-dining experience?
-He does.
-He does.
All right, show up here tomorrow
3:30 sharp.
April will show you around.
And this never happened.
What never happened?
We're not hired?
No, you're hired.
Now shut the fuck up.
And I'm not gay.
- What?
- Thank you.
God bless you.
Mark, you're the one who
got into those legal issues
at the Rainforest Cafe.
Yeah, 'cause
I got Lyme disease.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Woo!
Here we go.
Right on time.
I'm going to introduce you
to the other bussers
who will give you
the lay of the land... And you.
Watch it.
Hola.
Right this way, boys.
Dishwashing station.
Kitchen.
Move it, Naomi.
-Hey, one more thing.
-Yeah?
When you get hired as busboys,
you will be jumped in
by the others.
Great.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
They just beat the
shit out of you,
like, when you join a gang,
so be ready.
Oh, I'm always ready
to be beat up.
I get beat up all the time.
- Are y-- are you joking?
- No.
It's just kind
of a fun tradition,
so if you hear "fresh fish,"
you better run.
Fresh fish, okay.
Unless you wanna take it
like a man.
But you don't look
too much like a man.
-Is it the hair?
-It's everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Markie... Steef.
This is Ginger.
She will be your guide today.
Shift meeting in 20.
Welcome to
Open Border Bistro, guys.
It's a busy place,
but I got you.
Can one of you help me
tie my apron?
Oh, sure.
I see you looking
at my mom's ass.
It's on sight.
That's my son, Oscar.
He's gonna be a doctor.
- I'm not even in school.
- -Why aren't you in school?
Suck it, faggot.
-I'm Mexican.
-What?
- Hey, we don't say that word.
- Yeah.
- It means happy.
- Well, that's
-gay.
-That's gay.
Well, I'm trans.
Isn't he handsome?
- He?
- Those lockers are yours.
Eyeliner's the one nice thing
I do for myself each day.
I work so much, I don't even
feel like a woman sometimes.
Well, you're definitely a woman.
Hey!
Oh, that's Gregor,
and I'm Romina.
Hi, I'm a Pisces,
full moon rising, and I'm also
a Reiki healer, so...
-Hmm.
-I'm Steef, and that's Markie.
-We're adult men.
-So good to have you guys.
We really could use the help.
Waiter promotions
are in three months,
- so... Yeah,
- Ooh...
we're all hoping
to get promoted, so...
Round up, you panochos.
Let's go.
- Oh, good luck.
- Okay.
This is gonna be it.
I'm Murderball.
I'm in a wheelchair.
-Yeah. You're doing good.
-Oh...
I'll catch up.
Look alive
out there today, folks.
Help the waiters where you can.
But remember,
don't get in their way.
They're the humans,
you're the shadows.
86, the Sinaloa salmon.
Oh, and there was a recall on
the Pop Smoke Crme Brle.
Roll silverware when you can.
Also, refills.
Keep the customers wet.
Oh, and we have two new busboys.
Let them flank you
until they're up to speed.
Do I think they'll last? No.
But what do I know?
I'm just the fucking boss.
Any questions?
Nope? Great.
Anything you need, ask April.
Oh, lord...
If you gotta pee, just get up.
No.
It's this job.
Every time I turn around,
I'm messing up.
The Murderball squealed his
wheels at me,
and Oscar called
me a, um, titty dick.
Who cares about that kid?
He's like three.
What? He's almost eight.
- He is?
- Yeah.
Listen, those guys are just
territorial, that's all.
-Just then I broke those dishes.
-Who cares?
They got insurance up the ass
for that stuff.
-They'll probably make money.
-They do?
- Yeah.
- I just don't know
if I can even do this anymore.
I think you're just kind of
feeling sorry for yourself.
You just gotta stay positive.
I mean, who beat that blockage
out of that shit line
in four swings?
That was you, dude.
And who's the guy
that gave CPR to that old man
at Piggly Wiggly
on Thanksgiving?
- He died.
- Yes, but, uh,
he was puffed up there.
You got him going.
Yeah. I'm like, "I think
almost 200 PSI, man."
He was maxed out.
And who's the guy
that's been working for years...
...really hard, to buy his mom
an aftermarket dangler?
Again, you.
You're not gonna pick this stuff
up right away.
You know what I mean? These guys
have been there forever.
But the thing is,
you can't give up, because...
...if you give up,
I won't be far behind.
And I'm not ready
to throw in the towel yet.
Till that table's clean.
Waiters?
Waiters.
Thanks, Markie.
About time for the waiter
announcement, no?
If one of you dish bitches
gets promoted over me,
-I'd be shocked.
-Well, you've been here
a week, dude.
- You're not getting shit.
- Oh, yeah?
But I'm better than you.
And faster.
Watch it.
-That's pretty good.
-Not bad.
-Damn.
-Two weeks ago,
I didn't even know English.
Now? ABCDFG, bitch.
Besides, man, come on.
You two gotta be the oldest
busboys in the universe.
-Hey.
-More him.
-Yeah.
-Well, you know...
Man...
Competition's gonna be tough.
Rick's fast.
And good-looking, man.
He should be disqualified.
I heard a picture of his abs got
-100 likes.
-Wait. How many?
What if they
only pick one of us?
They won't do that, dude.
We're a team.
They don't know that, Markie.
They don't give a shit.
Three minutes, losers.
Hey, yo! Mario Kart.
Boost it.
Here we go.
I got it, ese.
How'd you end up all
wheeled out, brother?
I-- I got polio from
one of the chicken enchiladas.
Oh, you got some pollo polio?
What did you say?
Pollo polio.
-Hey, man, that's racist.
-Yeah, that's racist, Markie.
No, it's funny. I'm just saying
it-- it sounds funny.
Funny to who?
This lifetime
musical chairs winner?
Gross. We can all agree
this place sucks.
I hope I get waiter.
-Yeah, me too. Let's go.
-I know. Me too, man.
Thanks, steppy.
- Yeah, pap.
- Ah, I'm stressed.
Man, you're strong, bro.
Well, hello, ladies.
It's that time of year again
when one of you zipper-sippers
is gonna get up to the bigs.
We only have one
waiter job this year,
and it's no surprise that none
of you really deserve it.
Put the biscuit down.
Biscuits are for waiters.
- But, one of you
is gonna get it,
and according to the new
administration,
it can't be
a naturally-born citizen.
Are you
a naturally-born citizen?
-I'm doggy style.
-It's a hard choice.
There's so much talent here.
Romina, the way you handled
that nine-top of mimes
on Das de los Muertos
was angelic.
Knowing they wanted
Chalupa's con verde
only by hand signals,
it was magnifique.
Is it your time?
Steef, Markie, you guys have
worked over 80 days
in the past three months.
If that doesn't deserve
a promotion, what does?
-Pick him.
-Silence!
Your ability to battle through
your illness,
which our attorneys
assure us will clear up
within a matter of days,
while doing your job,
is truly remarkable.
Great fucking work.
Are we gonna have our first
waiter con wheels?
Gregor, you don't say much,
and you've been drawing
what can only be described
as satanic shit
all over the bathroom walls.
Quite frankly,
we're afraid to let you go.
Rick, you have great skin...
...but you've been here
under a week,
and it's hard to evaluate
your commitment
to our fine establishment.
This was
a very difficult choice.
No, it wasn't.
Rick, get up here!
-Come on,
get the jacket, yeah!
-No...
You're kidding me.
- Get in here, Rick.
- What?
Rick sucks piss, dude.
Oh, man.
Anyone who didn't
see this coming
is a fucking imbecile.
Of course we're gonna put him
front and center.
We're a business.
The next waiter tryouts
are in six months.
-Get back to work, cockroaches.
-Oh...
- ...two, three.
- Fucking prick.
I actually thought
we had a chance this time.
Damn!
Pisses me off.
F, F, F!
Ha!
It pisses me off,
Markie.
And the doctor
keeps calling me, man.
If one of us made waiter,
that's how I was gonna pay
for my mom's surgery.
-Yeah.
-Another one. Let's go.
But the next call-up's
only six months away.
-It's not that far away. We--
-Yes, it is.
Dude, that's six more months
I can't tell Pam I'm a waiter.
Isn't she seeing that guy?
Yeah, I mean,
if you go by Instagram.
-It could be AI.
-Thank you, Oscar.
I thought she blocked you.
I got a burner.
You softshells need to work out
a little bit more,
and the women won't leave you.
Eat shit, Murderball.
I wasn't talking to you.
We work seven days a week.
When are we working out?
Yeah, who gives a shit?
Sounds like a
personal problem, baby.
You brought it up.
Hey, can't you see
that they're suffering?
Sorry.
-Man, he's changed.
-Wait, does he live right there?
- Yeah.
- What?
Yeah, he just told me
that inside.
He's a fucking pussy.
Yeah, after the lawsuit, they
let him move in right there.
Holy shit, that lucky prick.
-Yeah.
-Oh, my God,
he ate one bad burrito,
he gets a whole new pad?
Everyone's killing it but us,
man. Fucking pollo polio.
- I want one.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, somebody
arguing with their Uber driver.
Oh, two stars.
- Oh, maybe
it's a TikTok.
Hmm... What if it's an OnlyFans?
Ooh.
Let's give him
some privacy.
Yeah.
- Oh, we need dinner money.
- -Again?
You feel
like shooting some ropes?
Hey, June.
Hi, Cutie.
What can I do you for today?
Oh, I think old Tug McGraw here
is gonna go for the
-both-fluid special, all right?
-Ooh...
Yeah. Oh, my God,
- those jizz prices have really skyrocketed.
- -Yeah.
Anything to do
with that truck spill?
Skeet fleet, yeah.
Damn icy roads.
Everything went up after that.
I'm surprised the highway
didn't get pregnant.
It's not that funny.
Okay.
So what are you gonna go
for today, then?
I gave you guys so much
last week, I could barely
blow my nose.
Yeah.
But I'm gonna go
for the special.
-Yeah...
-All right, we got a special
in room four.
Okay, wait a second.
I think you're gonna want this.
Head on back there to get you
laced up, Bubba.
Call me Aunt Spank.
I'll be in my attic.
Yeah, fill her up.
When are you gonna ask me out?
Hmm?
Oh. Uh...
Well...
I mean, presently,
I'm sort of...
Kind of in the middle
of something.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
I heard you're kinda not.
Well, I mean,
if you go by Instagram,
but I hear a lot
of that's, like, A.I.
A lot of guys like me.
It's true.
They drive past here,
and they beep.
They don't stop, but they beep.
Oh...
No, I believe it.
I believe it.
Oh, boy, yeah.
Maybe he's having a lull.
Try your other arm!
Sorry to yell.
Sorry, guys.
Uh, I'm probably gonna sit down
over here for a second.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Good to see you, man.
Hey, this is my friend
Tony Montana
I've been telling you about.
- Look at that.
- Tony, that's Omar...
Look at that.
Come here.
Dude, these guys
went from working
in the kitchen
to being millionaires.
What?
Were they on a game show?
No, dude. They're dealing drugs.
They took matters into their own
hands,
and that's what we gotta do.
We don't have enough money
to last another six months.
I was counting
on that waiter shit.
We don't have any money, Markie?
How are we out of money?
We just drained
every fluid in my body.
Well, have you noticed we eat
Funyuns every night for dinner?
Yeah, Markie, they're great.
Well, listen...
-We gotta do that.
-Then why didn't you, man?
And don't be calling me no
fucking dishwasher, okay?
I'll kick your fucking ...
We don't have any drugs.
I think I got an idea.
- Shit. Yep. Yep.
- Come here. Come on.
Check it out.
See this caballero on 47?
- The Civil War guy.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, so this dude
left a Dexatrim on
the table last time
when I was cleaning up.
I walked by,
and no one was looking,
I slurped that shit up.
Oh, what?
What if it had fentanyl in it?
Dude, I'm not allergic
to fentanyl
like a lot of these pussies.
I think we go by there
and scope for dope.
Maybe we should
think about this.
Selling drugs is dangerous.
Yeah, but you know
what else is dangerous?
Railroads are dangerous.
Time is extremely dangerous.
How many people have died
since the beginning of time?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Listen, we don't have a choice.
We're never getting
your mom that meat missile
-she wants at this rate.
-Yeah.
Don't you wanna get
that thing on her?
Yeah, I want her to have
- that thing on her.
- Yeah.
Okay, listen.
I don't wanna sell drugs,
- but we need money.
- Yes.
-Waiters make money.
-Mm-hmm.
We make one big sale.
We use the proceeds
to buy a restaurant
and then we promote
ourselves to waiters.
Is that a good idea or what?
It's a fucking great idea.
That is unbelievable.
-It fixes everything.
-I'm gonna go say something.
Yeah, what are you going to say?
-You go say something.
-Yeah, I'll go say something.
Yeah...
You sure you can handle this?
Oh, yeah.
How do you wanna do it?
I give you the drugs to sell
and it's a 90-10 split.
We get the 90.
You get the 10.
-Right.
-And then you guys
split the 10%.
Then I get five of that back
just for fees and surcharges and
all that stuff.
Oh, like Ticketmaster?
- Exactly.
- Okay...
Sounds good.
Is that the shit?
You know it's the shit.
Now go sell it.
Fuck yeah.
Why are we doing this
in the freezer?
I don't know.
I thought that was your idea.
You know what? Sometimes
they hide a popsicle
in the tomatoes.
Okay. Uh...
We're not gonna make
the same mistakes
they do in movies.
They buy stuff,
they get all this money.
And they get flashy
and they get a big puffer coat.
We're not doing that.
We're gonna do one big sale.
Goodbye.
Ooh, let's try this crackhead.
Yo, yo. What's going on, boss?
Hey, wha-- what up?
What up?
What up thoe?
What up thoe, then?
What's cracking?
- What's good, twin?
- What's happening? Huh?
Hey, uh, you want, uh...
What's that?
Say what now?
Do you want to buy some
Dexatrim? My God...
Dexatrim?
Yeah. Would you like
to buy some drugs?
DEA! You're under arrest.
-What?
-You're under arrest.
Hands where I can see 'em.
- Oh, fuck.
- Put them up.
Markie? Who did-- what?
Did we win something?
Department of Homeland Security,
on the ground!
- Shit.
- Markie, are they buying it?
Shut your face. Back off, DHS.
This is a DEA bust.
DEA?
Nobody has the sniffles here.
Department of Transportation,
all right?
-These skips are coming with us.
-Flakers on DOT.
- Back up...
- Nobody called for a meter maid.
- Get on the ground.
- Fuck you.
Get up, hands up.
We saw what you did
to rabbits, you sickos.
- Get up.
- Get down on the ground.
-Get the-- Shut the--
-On your knees. Do you hear me?
- Get up!
- Up or down?
Either way is fine,
just say which one.
-Get up!
-Step towards us.
- What are you doing?
- Hands up!
Stop doing
Charlie's Angels!
What is this, Cirque du Soleil?
Stop pointing that at me,
I could get an eye infection.
- How could you-- This way!
- Stay still.
- Hands off him.
Hands on the ground.
- Up, up, up, up!
-Stop Titanicking.
-You two have clearly been to-
the parties.
- DTF.
- Yes.
Sorry, I think
we're in the wrong place.
-No, no. You can stay.
-Yeah.
On your knees.
DTF, do you like black guys?
- I'm a great listener.
- A crime?
On your knees.
-Everybody back off.
-Get out of here, Triple A.
-One of those--
-Don't you attack me.
This is a transportation issue.
- ...could call you from
Immigration.
Woah, woah, woah. Easy now.
I have a badge.
What's up, perv?
Were you REM-sleeping in there?
Dude, I'm glad you're up because
we've got a big day today.
We're going to sell some Dexy.
What about
yesterday, Markie?
When we went to get ice cream?
No, when we escaped
the drug bust.
Wait, was that yesterday?
Oh, my God, that felt like
a week ago. How weird.
I don't know if you've been
keeping up with the news, but
we got away with it.
So we've gotta try again, right?
But this time
I've got it all figured out.
So, we're gonna repo it.
I'm going to take all the drugs,
put them in the
trunk of the car.
They just can't be on us.
Because possession is
seven-tenths of the law.
So we're golden.
All right, Markie.
But I've got to tell you
something.
Do not...
...feed the lizard.
-I didn't.
-Do not...
-I barely talk to that lizard.
-I came in yesterday,
-it was eating something.
-I gave him one Skittle.
Markie, get the pipe cleaner.
-Fuck.
-It's in the drawer.
Did you say something,
you fat fuck?
Oh, yeah.
Nice.
Who runs this town,
motherfucker?
-You do.
-Yeah.
Man, we're gonna get
my mom that cock.
Yeah, wiener money.
What font is that?
I think that's Roman.
Oh, we got a customer, man.
All right, come on.
All right, be cool, be...
Yo, yo, what you gringos up to?
I'm brunette.
Oh, a couple poppers, huh?
You guys slangin' those
gay makers, huh?
Put that hyena
on your cock, man.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hell yeah.
That shit'll make your dick
burp, homie.
- This is fuckin' straight.
- Ooh...
-Dexatrim.
-Oh, shit.
I heard that shit slaps.
My buddy was on it,
and now he can't see his kids.
Lucky his kids fuckin' suck.
Okay. Bro,
-chill.
-Chill, Grimace.
Come on, dude. You in or out?
-How much?
-For how many?
Can you handle seven?
I can't do that many,
I don't think.
I have to work in one hours.
-I tell you what...
-Come on...
- What a pussy, huh?
- I'll give you...
-...20 bucks.
-Are you a cop?
You have to tell us if you are.
I'm a fuckin' boss!
You don't have to tell us that.
Yeah, I do. I'm a boss.
Write that shit down.
Okay, we'll notate it.
It's real.
Yeah, man, it's party time.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, they're chewable?
Oh, goddamn.
Oh, woah. Slurp God.
- Hey, that's a lot. Woah.
- Oh, yeah.
You're gonna pop a gasket,
-dude. That's too--
-Woah.
Oh, shit, he's glitching.
Shit, bro.
Check your matrix, homie.
rale, motherfuckers.
I feel like Peso Pluma.
I'm gonna propose to my
girlfriend and join a gym.
This is the best day of my life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, woah...
A-- Again, we will not be
pressing charges,
so I guess we're free to go?
Pipe down,
you little figure skater.
Hello.
I'm Agent Boyd
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
This is Agent Tally.
Oh, also, I'm a magician.
- Oh.
- And I will pull the living hell
out of your asses...
unless you do
exactly what I ask.
- That guy's jacked.
- Yeah.
You just interrupted Agent Boyd.
You do it again,
I'll sew your fucking mouth shut
with diarrhea!
It's bigger
than we know, and I'm scared.
And you know
what I'm talking about.
-Me?
-Was he looking
at somebody else?
Ask another dumb question again,
I'll zip you up in a body bag
and beat you
with a shovel for six years.
I like the shorter guy.
You two are gonna tell me every
fucking little thing you know.
My father was incarcerated
when I was seven, and--
About the restaurant, idiots!
Hey, don't call him an idiot.
Okay, listen.
They don't base promotions
on any... Code of Ethics.
It's really...
And the chips have salt on them,
but sometimes we put more salt.
They add salt.
Also, this is true.
We have to take a break before
our shift, you understand?
It makes no sense. We get there,
and they want us to
take a shift--
Who in the restaurant
are you selling drugs for?
We just got passed over
for waiter, all right?
We need money.
And it's not even a big deal.
It's just Dexatrim.
Did you say... "Dexatrim"?
Yes, he did.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
My wife was on Dexatrim.
She painted our house on it
before, you know.
These halfwits don't know shit.
"We put extra salt."
Jesus.
A couple of busboys
trying to come up.
I can relate.
Passed over
for waiter so many times,
I joined the force.
I mean, either
they're-- they're dumb
or really fucking dumb.
You'll want to see this.
Ha!
You know this guy?
He's a drug kingpin...
...known as Padre Noche.
-No.
-No, I don't think so.
Look at it again.
Uh...
No.
You know what?
I believe them.
Me too.
Can't believe I'm saying it.
Can we send them in as C.I.s?
They could get killed.
Hopefully.
I'll shoot straight
with you boys. Um...
...selling fake
Dexatrim is illegal.
-Fake? No, this is...
-Shit's--
Why'd that guy crash?
Could've been a Raiders fan.
We don't know. We don't care!
Listen, test it again.
The guy who sold it to me
said he muled it
across the border
and the mule
got a little bit of it
and got so high he fucked
the wheels off a Ford Festiva.
What we do know...
...is that we're
willing to drop the charges.
If you can help us out.
We've been scoping
out Border Bistro.
Lot of heavy drug activity
passing through there.
But you want us to be narcs?
-At our own restaurant?
-It's either that
or you go to
court for selling illegal drugs.
Or go to prison for life but
hang yourself after two weeks.
- Oh...
- We will put you
somewhere first under cover
so that you can get a...
feel for it.
- Uh...
- What do you say, fellas?
Huh? Yes?
Is that a "yes"?
- Yikes. Seniors.
- Yeah...
And they're big.
Hey guys, what kinda intel are
we supposed to be grabbing here?
Just keep your ears open
and your cocks soft. Got it?
Look, overall
this is just practice.
So... see you at 3 p.m.
Okay, bye dads!
Yes, our dads are gay, people.
Calm down.
Those guys are gay?
- I think so.
- Wow.
They got the mustache for sure.
Oh, yeah,
those are prison curtains.
Look, science fair
is in three weeks.
What do you got?
Oh-- oh, you got fentanyl?
-You're taking fentanyl?
-I got-- no, I'm taking fencing.
-What do you got?
-Oh, God...
I got chorus and remeia--
-remiadal. Re-- Yeah.
-Remedial reading. Yeah.
-Want to switch?
-No, that's good. No.
Alright, so we-- right here
-right after school, okay?
-Yeah.
-Okay. Yeah.
-You got this? Soak it up.
Get some info. You're wired.
-Okay, okay, right.
-Let's do it.
You're going this way?
-Yeah, bro.
-Ah. Perfect.
Uh, we're new.
Can anyone tell me
what's going on here?
Uh, that's um...
-Fuck.
-Language.
Sorry, sir, um...
It's um... Shit, it's a--
it's a fucking...
Fuck, what's it called?
It's a-- it's a pipe.
Language, please.
-Wrong.
-That's a meth maker, huh?
What Victor was s-- saying, sir,
is that it's a sump pump.
Correct. And what
can you tell me about it?
A sump pump collects water
underneath your house...
...until it fills enough it
triggers a float switch
which activates the
discharge pipe
which pushes the water
away from your house.
Exactly.
Damn, new kid's a contractor.
Thanks, bro.
That's what I was trying to say.
Hey, Mr. Gotti tried
to fart in my mom's butt.
Oh, God...
When a man and a woman get
together in a certain way--
-Handjob?
-No.
Hmm... What is a handjob?
That is correct.
Yeah, I know my shit.
Next one.
Oh, what a day, huh?
Oh, my stomach hurts.
I had too many Twixes at lunch.
What did we learn, fellas?
Give us the drop.
Well, it was a pretty tough
first day.
You guys know Thomas Murphy
from band class?
No. He's a dealer or something?
- Yeah.
- You'll want to hear this.
Listen to this shit.
What'd I miss?
- Oh, you didn't catch that?
- No.
He sucks.
Yeah. And he's first chair.
-I'm better than him.
-This dude barely plays
-and he's better than him.
-Yeah, I play once a month.
Jesus.
What you got?
Some guy told me I look like
"Low-Ironman."
And another guy said I look like
an iPhone one inch.
That means you have
a small dick and you're old.
Yeah, it's a combo burn.
Oh... I knew it was a negative.
Don't sweat this one, fellas.
Look...
...we're gonna send you
in full steam tomorrow
at the restaurant.
You're ready.
-Fuck yeah.
-Yeah.
Okay. We just gotta seem like
we're not doing nothing.
Totally normal.
You hear that?
Yeah.
What is that?
Sounds like a Rubik's cube.
Yeah.
Wrapped in plastic.
With a backsplash
of butt bustle.
- Mm-hmm.
- Vitamin B piss.
Maybe a Barbie doll?
Just the torso.
-Yes.
-Hmm.
Yeah, something
is clogging those lines.
-Yep. Def--
-For sure.
Think we should tell
manager Tim?
I mean, I don't give a fuck.
Ah-- it's their problem.
They got insurance.
-Oh, they do?
-Yeah, we got work to do.
Yeah, we're really busy.
-Good evening.
-Hey, do you wanna play a game
where we open up your locker
and see what's inside of it?
-I have not.
-Hmm. What is it,
a collection
of criminal activity?
-Oh,
-Hmm...
sounds like a healthy divorce.
-Take care.
-Noted.
Truth or dare?
Have you been selling drugs
for a company
outside of our company,
but using our company?
That's also a cartel that works
in Mexico or America?
Oh, no, I'm vegan.
-Hmm.
-Carry on.
Did you get that?
Oh, it's Manager Tim.
Have you guys seen
the new schedule?
Oh, yeah,
we had a question about that.
Also, we were just telling each
other our deepest,
darkest, uh,
secrets for no reason.
What's yours?
I once lived with a guy
for ten months.
He went around telling people
I was gay.
So we broke up.
Back to work.
Sir...
And we're out of chalupas.
We got him.
Fuck, man, they're not--
Oh, who are those guys?
Oh, shit, are those
those OnlyFans guys?
Just don't look at these guys.
Keep walking.
Hey guys.
- Good afternoon.
- Hey.
These guys are upset
about something, huh?
...motherfuckers.
Yeah. No trouble, fellas.
Just gonna get some pizza.
Medium pizzas.
Come on out, fuck you.
Are we allowed to leave?
What? What? What?
You want us
to get you something?
Fuck, dude.
We don't want any trouble.
Wow.
Where's Neighborhood Watch
when you need them?
What about this slurp soup?
Should I have a
cup or bowl, you think?
I might get
this baby bird burger.
-Samuel. What?
-Hey.
Dude, nice hat, man.
-That traditional garb?
-Garb, man? Wha--
What are you
talking about, man? It's a--
It's a tourniquet.
I got jumped over
at the Hacienda Grill, son.
Twelve versus one.
I tried to use some of my moves,
but, man, they had pipes
and stuff, man.
Lesson learned.
I'm still recovering.
Sorry to hear-- you look--
-you look-- You look good.
-You, uh...
-You look how you look.
-Yeah.
I look good?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-I got my grip back.
Oh, yeah. You could...
-...tickle anybody.
-Yeah, man.
Sorry to hear about that.
I thought that was just
-at our restaurant.
-Yeah.
Dude, I can't believe you have
to get beat up to be a busboy.
Do you know what,
uh, fresh fish means?
What are you doing? What--
Nah...
It's everywhere near the border.
Yeah. It's the price
we pay to work,
- and it's worth it.
- Yeah.
I still can't see past
seven feet.
That's not that far, dude.
Maybe you should
take a shift off.
That's why I might need
some outside help.
I heard you were
the boys to talk to.
Hold up a second.
Do not move.
-No.
I need this.
-Go--
-Are you trying to get us in a
threesome?
No, dude. He's j-- janking out.
He needs that goddamn Dexatrim.
Shit. We gotta get out of here.
I mean, the cops
have all our stuff anyway.
Hey, can we get a check?
I got your tab.
Just... remember me
when the plug pulls up.
-That's it. We're Rick--
-Goddamn. We're really
Scarface and the other guy.
Yeah, Rick Ross.
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
Gracias.
Thank you, Gregor.
Amen.
Let's put it away.
I have some bad news,
guys and gals.
I know. Life is bad news.
But this is the formaldehyde
cherry on top
of the shit sundae.
You know Rick,
the new waiter appointee?
Yeah. Um, someone said
that he only got the job because
his grandfather was a model,
and I just want to say that my
foremothers weren't even allowed
to be models.
No one knows what the hell
you're talking about.
The first model was a woman,
and most models still are.
I get waxed.
That's called jealousy,
maybe work harder.
What I was going to say was
that Rick has not shown up
for three straight shifts.
So if anybody knows
what the hell is going on,
I'd appreciate
you letting me know.
His family is concerned as well.
If he were mine, I wouldn't let
him out of my sight.
But he's not mine,
I'm his employer.
And if he continues
to not show up,
God help us, we're gonna
have to promote
one of you piglets.
So everybody
stay sharp out there.
Back to work.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.
So Rick--
Rick is handsome and missing.
How much attention does one
dude need? I mean, it's unreal.
I'm just saying, it's kinda wild
how a waiter can not
show up. Or he quits,
they put out a freaking APB.
Do you think anyone
gives a fat fuck if we quit?
No.
In fact, let's test that.
-Oh.
-I wouldn't.
I quit!
Fresh fish!
No.
- No, I was just say--
I was just say--
- Get that titty dick!
Merk that white boy!
- I'm scared!
You little bitch!
- Tickle that dirty baby!
- No, no, no!
Okay, hold still.
Ready? Yeah, it's okay.
Easy.
-You're fine.
-Ow...
Let's see.
-Oof.
-I don't think that qualifies
for even half the combo.
Yeah... Well, I do appreciate
you staying late for me.
Well, we like to make our
customers happy.
Some of them anyways.
Hey,
where's your weird,
old son at anyway?
It's a slow night tonight.
We gotta cut somebody.
Oh, can it be us?
Nah, we got
a whole plumbing issue.
We need Oscar's little arms to
kinda clear the pipes.
Steef, you're off the clock.
Yes, sir.
I'm gonna go check on Markie.
My son?
-Yeah.
-Oh, you mean Steef?
Oh, that's my best friend.
-Yeah, no, no. He's, uh...
-Oh...
No, I've known
that guy for years.
How did the two of y'all meet?
Oh, um, actually,
I kind of rescued him
when he got hit by a car.
So you're a hero then.
Not exactly.
Sounds to me like you are.
Whatever happened
to the guy that hit him?
That's the part that's
hard to explain because...
...that guy was me.
Screw y'all!
Oh, shit. Pull over.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Hey, are you okay?
What happened?
-Poison.
-I was poisoned?
No, Poison. The t-shirt.
Those guys are great.
I saw them three times.
Also, you got hit by a car.
Well...
...think of it this way.
Somebody was gonna hit him.
He's lucky it was you.
That's nice.
Thanks.
Where's my cock money?
So crow equals Steef's dad.
Good evening.
Whatever
happened to the guy
that hit him?
That guy was me.
Somebody was gonna hit him.
Suck it, faggot.
You like me, huh, buddy?
I was a busboy.
Still am, I guess.
That's all...
Fuck that...
Murderball,
you dropped your vape.
Mr. Ball?
Mr Mur-- Murder?
It's a miracle.
And I witnessed it.
Murderball!
Wow. This is biblical.
That was
some good standing, brother.
Yeah, thanks, boy.
Oh, it took so much out of me.
Can you help me up on the chair?
Sure.
Oh. Oh, God.
You're a miracle, man.
Thanks.
Anything for you, man.
You're a miracle.
Nobody's gonna believe this.
You're right. They won't.
Oh, I'm tired, man.
I need to rest.
Can I touch your legs?
I wanna touch your magic leg.
- That's enough.
- -Can I touch your legs, sir?
-Oh, I like them. So...
Look at them legs.
-Okay. Yeah.
I like them, boy.
You like that? Hmm...
Look at these little wizard
stems, huh?
Ooh.
He's not home right now.
You want me
to be your little white woman?
Amazing legs
Okay, okay, okay. That's enough.
I like these big dogs
Oh, shit.
Fucking miracle.
Fuck, dude.
Your legs is making me gay.
All right. Call me
if you need me,
- okay? Congratulations.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- God is good.
- Yeah...
We might have a problem, boys.
I'm all in.
I'm gonna just...
Hey, guys.
You're never gonna believe it.
You're a Capricorn.
No. Murderball walked.
What?
We gotta jump that communist.
No. He-- he didn't quit.
He walked. He walked.
Like, on his legs.
Like a Homo sapien.
You're full of shit.
The doctor said
he would never walk again.
Eat ass, Oscar.
I seen him walk.
I'll prove it.
I'll get a selfie with him.
And another thing.
I found out who hit me with
their car when I was just a kid.
My former best friend...
...Markie.
Not surprising.
Hey, Murderball.
I just wanna get
a selfie with you, buddy.
Just prove to everybody
that you're evolving.
I just want to get a selfie
while your legs
are still working.
Murderball?
This is shittier than I thought.
What?
Any luck?
- Yes.
- I'm getting something.
I would like a number eight,
two nachos,
- and a vanilla cone.
- The ice cream machine
- is down.
- I didn't order
no ice cream, motherfucker.
Bitch, what you want?
Where are you,
Murderball?
Yeah... Hey, Murderball.
I want to see you while your
legs are still magic, brother.
Yeah...
Murderball.
Freeze.
Just here to get
a selfie with Murderball.
You're not here to do shit.
Start walking.
What? I just--
Wow. This is crazy.
Is this part of the trailer?
It reminds me of Pittsburgh.
Is this a three-bedroom?
Hey, there's my friend.
Murderball.
Great place you got here.
Yeah...
I'll fucking kill you.
What? Me?
Things have changed.
Get him out of here!
Damn it.
That guy tried to kiss me.
Hey, has anybody seen Steef?
I've been looking all over
the restaurant for him.
I don't think
he wants to see you
since he found out
you hit him with your car.
No, no, no.
Shit...
Hey, dipshit.
You guys.
Where's Steef?
I don't know.
I'm looking for him, too.
We overheard him say something
about Murderball on the radio.
Murderball?
Well, that guy lives right here.
Hey, guys.
Hey, we were supposed to be
at work two minutes ago.
What's going on?
What are you doing?
A TikTok?
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys, come on.
What?
Did Murderball
fall down this hole?
Hello?
Hello?
I can't believe Markie's
the one who hit me.
Now Murderball's acting weird.
I'm gonna lose
two friends in one day.
Shut the fuck up, Steef.
Rick.
Help me out of here.
I'm losing my tan.
What are you doing here?
Everybody thought
you were on The Bachelor.
What?
No, you dumb fuck.
Hey, listen up, buddy.
I haven't eaten in half a week.
I need some protein.
Get me out of here, please.
No flirting.
Oh, my God.
There's a strip club down here.
Oh, shoot.
I don't have any ones on me.
-Hi.
-Freeze!
Oh...
Oh, God damn.
Oh, Steef.
You're in this dungeon too?
I was looking for you, man.
I'm glad you didn't drive here.
Buddy, uh, let me explain
what happened.
Get the fuck up.
- Get up.
- You too, get up.
Fine...
Oh, Rick, you're here too?
Dude, I texted you
on your birthday.
You never texted me back.
Well, I was here,
you fucking loser.
It's still rude.
- Ow.
- Come on, let's go.
- You too.
- Ow. I'm going.
Hey, Rick, plug in your phone.
Take it easy, Rick.
Woah... rale.
If it isn't Creepy and Sneaky.
-Dude, he can stand up.
-I was gonna tell you.
You know, I liked you,
chicharrones...
...until this one
called me Pollo polio.
Are we still talking
about this?
That's just a play on words.
And then this one
tried to kiss me.
It's just a play on lips.
You know... I would like
to let you guys go.
We accept.
But... I can't.
You can't unsee
what you've already seen.
Yeah, the eyes
have good memories.
They're like...
the brains of the face.
-What is that?
-What?
Bitches.
No, the first part.
Last words.
Actually, yeah.
I knew if this time
ever came, I wanted to...
...put on this bandana
that my dad gave me...
...when I was just a kid.
Before he went away to prison...
...he used to take me
to this vape shop.
It was really cool.
Carcinogens, it was called, and
it was two stories.
And he let me smoke
all the youth vapes.
And I was even part of the
Carcinogens Kids Club for a bit.
And he gave me this bandana
before he left.
So I'm gonna wear it.
So when I go to heaven...
...he'll be able to find me.
Mine's for Steef.
I just want to tell you...
...when I took that
dog out that day...
...it was his last lap and
I-- I was supposed
to do whatever he wanted
and he wanted to
try to drive the car.
And I knew it was stupid.
I knew he was gonna
be bad at it.
And he was so bad and he
couldn't drive at all.
And he hit you.
I didn't know what to do.
I got scared.
I'm so sorry that happened.
But you're my best friend
in the world...
...and I can't die knowing
that you're mad at me.
I forgive you, man.
Bro, don't make
this shit so gay, fellas.
Shoot us.
Time to die...
Pollo...
...polio.
This feels just like
when we were alive.
Oh, my God,
it's Padre Noche.
Every Sunday...
...I took you to that store...
...and you tried
all the new flavors,
and then you vomited
all the way home.
I didn't care
and you didn't care either.
I gave you that
on your fifth birthday.
Holy shit.
Dad?
Steef!
Dad!
Oh...
I thought you were in jail.
No, I escaped, and
within a month
I was out and I...
I wanted to see you.
I wanted to look you up.
I wanted to know you.
But I thought, man,
I'd be a bad influence on you.
I went and visited you
every week for nine years.
They said you were busy
and you'd escaped
after one month?
Embarrassing.
I always thought I could
get out of this life
and get into yours.
I can't believe it's you!
Dad! Oh...
I've thought about
you every day.
- What happened, Dad?
- Did I get shot?
Did I get shot?
- Dad, sit down, Dad.
- Oh, shit...
- Sit down. Sit down.
- Who the fuck shot me?
It's gonna be okay, Dad.
You know what I wish?
What, Dad?
I wish I could've
been there for you...
You're here for me now, Dad.
It's okay.
He's right.
Freeze! FBI!
Hands up!
Get on the fucking ground!
You're all under arrest!
Oh, my God.
So, you boys were in
on this the whole time?
-We didn't know a thing.
-No...
-Get that ass open!
-Department of Homeland
Security,
on the ground!
Department of Transportation!
-We know!
-Hey, you guys are here, too?
We're in a group chat.
Is there an afters?
You know, I don't know.
-There's something.
-There's something.
Hey, that is crazy
about your dad.
-I know. My dad's back.
-I love it.
That's so cool.
I'm happy for you, man.
Thanks, man. I--
I'm happy for me, too.
He remembered your thing
and everything.
Yeah, he gave it to me.
Oh, check out Murderball. Can
you believe the dude can walk?
Yeah, he can walk.
He's like a baby.
I couldn't believe it,
then they shot him.
- Yeah.
- I'm just kidding, man.
Walked for a little bit.
- Dangerous time for babies.
- Yeah.
Silence!
Anyone have eyes
on Padre Noche?
He got away from me.
Well,
let's go after him.
It's 105 degrees outside.
-He's all yours.
-Oh, hell no.
It's 105 degrees!
I am hot!
Bosses!
We got Murderball. Okay?
And that's a big piece
of the puzzle.
Right there.
I've been shot!
I need an ambulance!
We need a paramedic.
Later.
Attention, busboys and girls.
Today is a unique day in the
history of our establishment.
The heroic efforts of some
members of our staff
to keep drug trafficking
out of our restaurant,
which will no doubt
impact some of our performance,
have been monumental.
And as a thank you,
I would like to present
two pure, pewter
bus tubs to Steef Barn
and Markie Montgomery.
Oh, my gosh.
Markie!
Dude. What?
Look at that.
Whoa, are these real pewter?
And, due to Rick's absence, and
to take advantage of some of the
media buzz
surrounding the drug bust,
I would like to announce
we are gonna bring
one of you leperous
scuzzwranglers up to the rank
of waiter.
I hope it's me.
Against my better judgment,
I would like to announce
the newest waiter
at the Border Bistro...
Markie, come up
and get this jacket.
Me? Me?
-Oh, my God.
-Yay, congrats.
- Speech!
- What?
Speech! Speech!
Thank you, Manager Tim.
Thank you, America.
Well, seven months ago...
...I knew
that if I became a waiter,
I would get everything
I wanted in life.
The image, the girl,
the money, the future.
But I was actually wrong.
I already have all that stuff.
I got everything
I always wanted.
I got a friend.
So, thank you, but I'm gonna
pass on this promotion.
And I'm going to stay right here
next to my buddy.
Busboys for life.
Busboys for life.
But I have a question,
Manager Tim, uh...
Are these waiter promotions
at all transferable?
Depends on
who you give it to.
I was thinking of giving it to
the hardest working person
in the building, ah...
Day in, day out, they break
their back to provide...
...a really
nice life for their family.
Ginger would be a great
- waitress.
- What?
Yes, she would. Approved.
What?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Ginger.
- Thank you.
- Yes! Ginger.
- Thank you.
-Ginger!
-Now that she's a waitress,
I have to go back to school,
you piece of shit.
-Markie.
-Oh, you're welcome.
So, wait, you're a busboy again?
You're damn right I am.
Um, fresh fish!
- No, no, no. No, no.
- Teach that
quitter a lesson!
Well, I guess this is it.
Come here, man.
-Wait.
-Are you going this way?
-Are you going this way, too?
-Yeah.
- Why'd you say this is it?
- I don't know.
I just thought-- I thought we
might be walking...
Eh, that's fine.
Oh, I was gonna tell you, dude.
- Your dad is yoked, dude.
- Yeah.
It means I'm gonna
be jacked as well
-when I grow up.
-Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure.
-It's in the bloodstream.
-I know, man.
Pump, pump.
Yeah, I'm excited about that.
And now that I got my dad back,
I think I'm gonna back off
that surgery for my mom.
Oh.
I think that's good.
You should do something for you.
I think I'm gonna go back
to high school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I used to hate it,
but once we did it undercover,
I kind of dug it.
It gets easier.
And plus, I never finished, so
I only have about 38 hours left.
Well, I think that's cool.
And if you ever need a tutor,
I'd-- I'd want to help.
Let's go in.
Let's make some toast!
What's taking so long?
You've been in there for,
like, two hours.
Yeah, I can't do this.
I don't even know
what I'm looking for down here.
Jesus.
Look...
...I'm just a waiter, okay?
I don't even know
how to really do anything else.
Fucking hot plate.
Hey!
Hey, Markie,
good to see you.
Oh, oh-ho, this is Pumpkin here.
Yeah, um, give him
a good ride because
he only has two days
left to live
and, uh, his best friend
just died.
- Oh.
- He's not well.
Hey, but you guys
have so much fun.
- And don't let him drive.
- Okay.
- No worry.
- Bye, Pumpkin.
Come here. Hey.
Bye.
You know, Pumpkin,
the good news is
at least you had a best friend.
I never had that kinda luck.
Folks don't really take to me.
I kinda drive 'em away.
You're kinda quiet, bud.
This is your last lap, so what
do you want to do?
Okay.
Whatever you want.
Oh, you want to go faster?
All right.
Yeah!
Really?
Okay.
You're kind of a dick, dude.
Yeah, hit it.
Hurry up, twin!
Come on, we got a big day.
Hey, tag me in, boss!
Hippos are a bloat.
A group of bees
is called a swarm.
"Dear Dad, not sure if
you're getting my letters.
I really miss you.
Mom isn't the same."
And a group of pigs
is a police station.
Yeah.
Steef, pay attention.
-Eyes up front.
-Uh...
Can you tell me what
a group of crows is called?
It's called a murder.
And you know what, Steef?
A hint on how
you can memorize murder?
Think of your dad.
Isn't your dad
in prison for murder?
So crow
equals Steef's dad.
I heard his dad
was a drug dealer.
I heard people
are trying to kill him
because of his dad.
Guess I'm not that dumb.
Figured which letters
to erase in my head.
You forgot the W.
I'm dropping out.
- Uh...
- Who's that, your girlfriend?
Good one.
What are you guys up to today?
Just did
some looting this morning.
I think we found Jon Benet's
wedding dress.
- Hey, are you okay back there?
- What do you care?
Why don't you shove
that dog up your ass?
Hey, be cool.
He's got-- he's got cancer.
That truck's got cancer.
You should call it
Not-enough-car,
Not-enough-truck.
I got a Mercedes lined up.
This is kind of a rental right
now, but...
It's a nice dream.
You know, you're going
to wake up in the backseat
with your-- with your dick
in your hand.
Oh, whoops, sorry.
You don't have
a backseat or a dick.
Yeah, I'm-- I'm gonna cruise.
-Take care, dudes.
-All right, stay black, bitch.
Have fun at Jiffy Lube.
Hey, you need a hall pass.
I'm dropping out.
Screw y'all.
I'm his mother.
Made him with my own vagina,
if that's okay with you.
He's alive?
Someone said he
was dead on text.
Did you save him?
Yeah.
I think he got hit by a car.
What happened was, uh, I saw him
on the side of the road,
and then I carried him and
brought him here in my truck.
"He is not dead yet.
Y'all are so dumb, LOL, BRB."
You're a savior.
He probably
won't make it, though.
"Doesn't
look good, prob dead."
-Oh, God.
-You're here.
Did you get the insurance deal?
I just printed it.
It's the free one,
but it covers indoor lighting,
and room-temp water deaths.
Did he drown?
Looks wet.
Oh, God, he drowned.
No, I'm-- I--
I think he's gonna be okay.
I don't know.
Our family dies easily.
God, I loved him.
And you'll love
that insurance money.
I know what you're gonna get.
-Hmm.
-Something God didn't
give us 'cause he don't love us.
Are you going to take the
insurance money
to buy yourself a wiener?
Why, are you selling?
No, I need mine.
What do you need it for?
Yeah, what do you need it for?
All right, got to run.
Ponderosa's having
crab leg night,
and we get one free entre if
we're there by five.
Ah.
All right, I'll hang with him.
I'll-- I'll
- keep an eye on him.
- Let's go.
Can't believe he's dead.
Did my mom stop by?
Um...
No, I don't think so yet.
But, you know,
I'm sure she will.
I'd be surprised if she does.
So what's your name?
Steef, with an F.
Steve?
Where's the F at the end?
Steve. Stevef?
-Steef.
-Stevef?
-Steef.
-I'm saying it, Stevef.
Am I saying something different?
Steef.
Steef, do I have to
spell it out?
-Yes.
-S-T-E-E-F.
-Wrong.
-It's Steef.
Well, that's good.
Steef is... yeah-- I'm Markie.
So I don't know what to do.
Do you want me to
...call your school,
say you're not coming or?
I-- I just quit.
If you wanna
come down to my job,
we're always looking
for a new hand.
Do you like fancy restaurants?
No reverb.
Yeah, some pumps pumping.
Hey, Mr. Troy,
I just wanna say thanks
for all the work, man. It's a
blessing to be working here
near fine dining, isn't it?
Oh, yeah.
I was kinda wondering if, um...
...maybe you could help me with,
like, a raise
or some benefits
or something, uh...
Inflation's been
kicking my butt,
and my mom's on my case,
about paying for her sex change.
Yeah, uh...
In due time, pal, okay?
In due time.
I don't think you remember
a couple of years ago,
I was giving you
a college credit.
Yeah. It was awful nice of you.
I should have been in college.
Listen...
...the truth of the matter is,
I can't put your legal name down
on payroll because somebody
might know your daddy
and come snooping around.
And I don't need
that kind of aggravation.
But I'll tell you what
I will do...
Two fist pumps.
Here we go. There you go.
Boom, boom.
Feel better?
Ah, listen to that flow.
It's beautiful.
Whoa, spoke too soon.
That sounds like...
Bichon bones?
Nah, I know that rattle.
Jeez, I wish this was Jeopardy.
I'd win, right?
What are dentures, Alex?
It happens a lot.
Some dude squeezes
out a big dump
and then, uh, he turns around to
peep his bulwark and plop.
His teeth fall in.
Yeah. Alex is dead.
I think his wife killed him.
-No.
-Speaking of death,
Markie's worrying himself into
an early grave, sir.
He's got to take Pam on an
anniversary date this week
and he doesn't know
what to get her.
Oh, jeez.
Give it a kick, will you?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Boom.
Good kick, but you're gonna
need a hammer for that bulge.
-There you go.
-Oh,
bet I can get it in six swings.
No way. There's too much
BM in there.
But you know what?
You want a raise,
so I will bet you $20
that it takes you ten swings.
You're on.
Hey, Markie.
Ooh, he says four swings.
Hammer time.
Yeah.
Go.
Yeah.
Boom.
Oh, it's moving. Four!
You know something, pal?
You are the Thor of pipe shit.
Thanks, Mr. Troy.
I feel good.
Hey, what's up, Terry?
What's up, Steef? My dad got
y'all herding shit logs.
You little Australian
shit shepherd--
ship-- shepherd, shep-shit...
The-- The sheep that
chase around the--
you know what I'm saying.
You and Mark
are a bunch of
shit-wrangling butt birds
and that's all y'all
ever gonna be.
At least your dad's
around, Terry.
Your dad's still in prison?
Maybe if you were cooler,
he might not have
went to prison.
You ever think about that?
Hey, whoa.
Come on, can it, Terry.
You gonna help?
You want to grab a shovel?
Or you're just gonna be a dick?
Help you? Do this shit?
Suck out crapper tanks
for a living?
Hell nah.
I would never do that.
That's a job for stanky-ass,
trailer-trash folks
like yourself.
No offense, Dad.
I hope you change
your mind one day, son.
Shit, I'm never doing any of
this goddamn bullshit.
You want me to suck
out some butt funk?
I'm freaking outta here, dude.
Have fun with them turds
and.
Plus, I'm working on my YouTube
channel.
Cardi B liked one of my stories.
Y'all ever heard of Logan Paul?
How about you suck
on these Logan balls?
Call the weatherman.
I'm dating a squirter.
- 100% chance of...
- Oof...
Make sure to like, share,
and subscribe, pussy.
-More like block.
-Suck my dick.
Not you, Dad.
Later, Terry.
What up, bitches?
Welcome back to my channel.
What's up, chat, Terry
getting lifted into lifting.
And if you're feeling gifted,
give me your dad's
credit card information.
Oh!
Subscribe!
That's lunch.
Is it? Okay...
All right.
He's in a better place.
You think so?
Thank you.
Indeed.
God hit that subscribe button
and brought him home.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Who knew we'd be
working here today?
-What are the odds?
-I know.
Folks, I'm sorry,
but a contract's a contract.
I love my son.
I miss him.
I'm gonna start it up, boys.
Here we go.
Shit, that better not be Terry.
A young angel
who lived life with zest.
- Hey!
- Is that your mom?
Where's my dick?
-Hey...
-Mom.
Where's my cock money?
- We're working.
- That's funny.
I don't see any poop pipes.
- Yeah, 'cause they're underground.
- -A young angel
- who lived life with zest.
- Oh, how convenient.
You two are over here playing
Michael Shit-Myer's,
not making any cash,
and I'm sitting around
on this boring pussy all day.
- Okay, okay.
- -A Chinese proverb tells us
the best time to plant a tree...
Mom, just call me.
...is 20 years ago.
They're talking about me
in all the chat rooms!
Jesus fucking Christ.
Take care.
Bye, Mom.
It's good to see your mom.
Yeah, she's doing better.
She's still pissed
that I chickened out
on that insurance
deal at the hospital.
You mean when you lived?
- Yeah.
She's big on loyalty.
- Yeah. Hm.
A Chinese proverb tells us
the best time to plant
a tree is 20 years ago.
The second best time is now.
Wise words.
Words Terry lived by,
and kept in the "about" section
of his YouTube info page.
Don't wait for life
to come to you.
You've got to go out
and grab the life you want
before it's too late.
Yeah.
I'm late.
It's okay. No need to be sorry.
Pam, I know we've
been together six months,
so, without further ado...
Oh, I'm fucking starving.
Yeah, it's pretty
-slammed.
-How we doing, guys?
I'm Mikey. I'm gonna
be your waiter tonight.
Could I, uh, get you started
with anything?
All kinds of things.
Can I, uh, get a glass of wine?
Oh, yeah, I can get you
whatever you want.
I'm a waiter.
Thanks.
Hey, can I get some water?
Yeah, there's a water
fountain down the street,
by the park.
But, uh,
why don't I go see about that
- glass of wine?
- Yeah,
I wanted to say,
is a Chinese proverb--
-Hot plate!
-Ow!
-Fuck! God dang!
-I told you, hot plate.
You pushed it
right in my hands.
Ah, shoot, wrong table.
My bad.
God damn. Oh, oh...
Here we--
Oh, I love that necklace.
- Are those diamonds?
- No.
Markie gave it to me.
It's zircon,
and the chain's copper.
Oh, they use copper
to make machine parts,
like hinges and doorknobs.
He stole my heart.
Look what he wrote on it.
"To my sweatheart."
- He spelled it "sweat."
- Ooh, come on.
Say, uh, where's our hot waiter?
Hmm, I'll go grab him.
Hey, save some for me.
Can't promise.
His eyes might be green,
but he's not.
Plowed through
everyone in this place,
present company included.
Lovely to meet you.
Yes.
Where was I?
For our anniversary weekend,
I thought we'd
go to Magic Cacti.
I got a room there
for a couple nights,
and I think it'll be
even more magical.
Hot plate, hot plate!
Don't touch it,
it's a hot plate!
Take it, take it, take it!
-Ow!
-Oh, shoot, wrong table.
Sorry, my bad.
What the fuck? Did--
-Does anyone have any aloe vera?
-No.
I want-- I'm sorry, I
wanted to ask you a question.
And I just-- everyone keeps
interrupting.
Magic Cacti sounds
boring as shit.
I heard you can't
even smoke there.
- Here's some bread,
buddy.
- Did I hear you say Magic Cacti?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'm actually going there
this weekend.
I hear it's so much fun.
I know, just
the word "cacti" is fun.
Dessert, ice cream for two.
Oh, does that-- Ow!
-God!
-Hot plate.
Why would ice cream be hot?
I told him it was a hot plate.
Alright, my bad, wrong table.
-Shit.
-Hey, man,
this, uh-- they're towing
your car outside.
- What? My car?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Wha-- What?
G-- Hold on, honey. Does anyone
have aloe vera?
I'll be right back.
Markie thinks he's so fucking
cool with his Mercedes.
It's a piece of shit.
I wouldn't even drive my family
off a cliff in this thing.
Yeah, I don't understand
why Pam even likes him.
He's dumber than JFK
after the first bullet.
Oh, lunch bunch, huh?
Oh, I know what'll go with
those. A couple diet sodas.
Keep your kidneys on their toes.
I'll grab 'em.
"Diet sodas,
fellas. Diet sodas."
He's been a diet soda ever since
he got hit by that car.
What a bitch.
Imagine your dad goes to jail
and then instead of your dad
getting out of jail,
you get hit by a fucking car.
Yeah, I seen that dumbass
walking around like Rain Man
- at the funeral yesterday.
- Too bad it wasn't
Markie's funeral.
There you go, fellas.
We were just kidding, man.
Sure. I didn't hear anything.
-JFK like the rapper, right?
-Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Markie?
-You've been crying?
-No, I was just doing
an oil change on here.
With your eyes?
- Were you crying 'cause of Pam?
- No.
No.
Shit.
It's just these fucking turds
are making fun of me
and shitting all over me, and...
...Pam hasn't gotten back to me
for some reason.
Everything's gonna be okay, man.
This is the ring
I got her. Look at that thing.
-Huh?
-Oh...
-Oh, boy.
-Look at that.
-What side is the diamond on?
-Uh...
I saw it earlier.
Oh, there it is.
- That's some real marriage metal, man.
- -Yeah.
You two are gonna be so happy.
Oh, shit.
Oh... There she posted it again.
It says, "Ready to celebrate"
with a cactus emoji.
Awesome!
She's setting up for your
anniversary at Magic Cacti.
She went early.
Girls love to do that, Markie.
Well, why hasn't she
texted me back?
Suspense.
Haven't you seen Jaws
or Saving Private Ryan?
It's-- Goddamn,
that's right.
That's good.
I like the way you think, man.
Well, shit,
what am I worried about?
Hey, come with us.
Nah, that's just for you two.
No way. If we get married,
you gotta be my best man.
Wouldn't miss it.
But as soon as we get back,
I gotta lock down
my mom's sex change.
Some of the items
are on sale right now.
Do you think my mom will be
happier when she's my dad?
Or is that dumb?
Kindness is never dumb.
I just wanna have a dad again.
We'll make it happen.
Have I ever let you down?
-Come on.
-Not yet.
Fuck, dude, Jaws was good.
Jaws was all right.
I mean, I gotta admit it.
Waiters are cool.
They just are.
I mean, the way
they enter a room,
the way they memorize your order
without writing any shit down.
They get free refills.
They steal your chick.
You don't know that, Markie.
You're just guessing.
Yeah, I'm just guessing,
but goddamn,
they-- they carry prestige,
you know what I mean?
And they make all the money.
We're on the wrong end
of the food chain, bud.
They're on the food end.
We're on the other end,
where the food comes out.
Shit, no wonder Pam
is so enchanted with him.
I get it. They fucking rule.
That's crazy talk.
You're so much better
than you think.
I bet you couldn't name 70
waiters better than you.
Rick Spicer.
Yeah.
Old Spicedog.
Now, he was a good waiter.
-Yeah.
-Damn.
-R.I.P., huh? Yeah.
-R.I.P. Hmm.
Fuck. Only 32 more, man.
This is a sucker bet.
So you're saying
I'm wrong about Pam?
I don't know what I'm saying,
but by guessing
that she's cheating on you,
you're not giving
y'all's love a chance.
I don't wanna be right.
I wanna be wrong,
but like I said,
she hasn't texted or called
in three days going on four.
Hello? Airplane mode.
I always drive
with airplane mode on.
Oh.
A car is just a airplane
without wings on a road.
Brad Forrester, Fuddruckers.
-Woo! Ah...
-Good one, man.
-R.I.P., man.
-R.I.P.
-Yeah.
-Ugh...
Cat attack, huh?
Mm-hmm. I was there.
Oh, shit. Hang on.
There you go...
Hey, check my phone.
I think she just posted
something.
Oh, yeah.
Take those fucking pants off.
Oh, it looks like
they're, uh--
They? He's not
in her stories, is he?
- Oh, it's sickening.
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.
- Oh, yeah, what's that?
- Oh, they're-- oh...
- Serve me
-that fucking waiter dick.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. Serve me
that waiter dick. Fuck.
Oh, my God.
She's not wearing anything.
- Yeah.
- Yes, she is, Markie.
- She's wearing that gold
necklace you got her.
Right there, bouncing
off that guy's wiener.
I saw.
God dang it. My life sucks,
and your life sucks adjacent.
Everyone's always
making fun of me.
Shit. They're making
fun of you, too.
You just don't hear 'em.
I hear 'em.
Dude, I don't wanna
go to Magic Cacti
where my relationship is over.
And I don't wanna go back home
where everyone
thinks I'm a loser.
Well, I don't wanna
go back to a place
where I... can't escape
my dad's shadow...
...can't make any money.
And I definitely don't wanna
go to a place
where you're not gonna be.
You know what they say.
"All good things
happen in Mexico."
- I've heard that.
- Yes, you have.
Let's do it.
Is Mexico closed?
"Go around?"
I mean...
What a rip-off, dude.
Dude, look out.
Oh, shit. Did you see that?
Yeah.
Remember I said, "Look out"?
Shit, what was that?
Oh, my God. I-- Did I hit it?
Nah, you'd hear it.
Like that.
Yeah. Shit, will you turn on
the rodent radar?
Yeah.
-Oh, it's just rabbits.
-Rabbits.
Oh...
God dang.
-Markie...
-Why are there so many?
-What is going on?
-Markie, it's not about them.
-It's about you.
-I know, but they're
just running.
They're rabbits.
Stay on the side, just let us--
Ugh, Markie, come on.
Is this a senior area?
I don't think that's right.
- Fat young?
- Fat young what?
An Asian?
Rabbit. Rabbit. Rabbit.
Dude, we're gonna hydroplane.
How many are there...?
Oh, sorry, I meant...
I can't stop. If I go too slow,
I hear crunching,
and if I go fast,
I just hear thumping.
- What do I do?
- Rabbit. Rabbit.
Just floor it.
Oh, shit.
Rabbit. Rabbit.
-Fuck, dude!
-Goddamn.
Oh, so sad. Oh, no,
- poor Rabbit. So many rabbits.
- It hurts.
Now what?
Let me think for a second.
That's a sign.
-What is?
-That sign.
That's the sign.
Do you see it?
Oh, shit. Dixie Chicks
are coming to Tucson.
No. Well, that says
"Chicks with Dicks" are coming.
Oh, I probably won't go.
-I might go.
-This sign.
See it?
Yeah.
You know what
busboys hatch into...
-What?
-Waiters.
-Waiters.
-Yeah.
Shit, let's do this.
Not without a plan.
Okay. You're right.
All right, here's the plan.
We go in, charm them,
get the job.
We're busboys for three days.
Then we get bumped up
to waiters,
and then everything
happens for us.
Pam comes running back,
follows me on Instagram.
You take care of your mom.
You get her that...
And we're done, dude.
-Yeah.
-Let's go. You ready?
-Let's go.
-All right.
...Open Border Bistro.
Table for two?
Uh, we wanted
to see the manager.
Oh, all right.
Usually you guys just meet them
in the bathroom stall.
"In the bathroom," you said?
Make a right, make a left.
I'll send them right in.
Thank you.
This place is bumpin'.
Look at all the food.
It's like a magazine.
It looks fun.
-How do I look?
-Like a new employee.
There you go. Okay. You know
what? You look good, too.
But, I-- you know what?
I think you should--
you should
go in a different stall.
It's not that professional
if we're all in the same stall.
I think you go
to that one, all right?
-Because it looks a
little desperate.
-All right.
Okay. Talk to you in a minute.
Oh, yeah. This is--
this is better.
-Are you good?
-I'm great. Yeah.
And, look, you start the
conversation, and if you have
any issues,
bang on the wall.
I'll lean over and say
something supportive.
- Yeah, we got this.
- Okay.
Come out, come out,
wherever you are.
We're here for the job.
Hey, I thought we discussed I
was gonna talk first.
Oh, yeah. My bad, sorry.
Never mind. Someone else is
gonna say something.
We're here for the job.
Hi. Come on in.
I wanted to thank you for--
-Hey, you like sports?
-Hey...
-You know, I do. I actually--
-What's your wiener taste like?
-My wiener?
-Shh, don't say anything.
- Just be here.
- Okay.
Just be here.
What's it taste like?
I'm guessing it--
maybe, like, skin...
Keep going. Shh...
-Okay. Well--
-Don't say anything.
Tell me what it tastes like.
I would say s-- skin, maybe.
-And then, like, uh--
-Oh, shh, stop it.
Keep going.
You want me to be quiet,
or do you want me to talk?
Shh. Quiet, quiet.
Tell me what it's like.
Okay. I would say it's a s--
little skin, maybe,
and then maybe like the
inside of my underpants.
Oh, fuck.
God, that's good.
Keep going.
Skin, underpants, maybe a little
pee-pee.
Can you feel me
pinching your nuts?
I actually can.
Make your favorite
face for me.
Make your favorite face
for me right now.
Right now.
- Yes. Keep going.
- Um...
-Keep going. Shh. Shh.
-Yeah.
Shh...
Oh, yeah.
That's wet.
Yeah. Any cavities?
Ooh, you nasty.
I'm nasty.
What's your favorite position?
-Waiter, hopefully.
-But we'll accept busboy.
We saw the sign.
W-- The sign?
Oh, the sign.
What?
So?
Are we busboys?
That's why you guys came here?
The busboy job?
What do you think
we're doing here?
Here to suck your dick?
Yeah...
I-- I can't even
suck my own dick.
The problem is busboys
are, like, 19.
-Oh, we've been 19. You were--
-Yeah,
-We were 19--
-Yeah, I was 19 a long time ago.
- Yeah.
- You're 19,000.
Manager Tim, we got a 12-top
with a chile relleno issue.
Fuck my life.
Well, you have any
fine-dining experience?
-He does.
-He does.
All right, show up here tomorrow
3:30 sharp.
April will show you around.
And this never happened.
What never happened?
We're not hired?
No, you're hired.
Now shut the fuck up.
And I'm not gay.
- What?
- Thank you.
God bless you.
Mark, you're the one who
got into those legal issues
at the Rainforest Cafe.
Yeah, 'cause
I got Lyme disease.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
Woo!
Here we go.
Right on time.
I'm going to introduce you
to the other bussers
who will give you
the lay of the land... And you.
Watch it.
Hola.
Right this way, boys.
Dishwashing station.
Kitchen.
Move it, Naomi.
-Hey, one more thing.
-Yeah?
When you get hired as busboys,
you will be jumped in
by the others.
Great.
-What does that mean?
-I don't know.
They just beat the
shit out of you,
like, when you join a gang,
so be ready.
Oh, I'm always ready
to be beat up.
I get beat up all the time.
- Are y-- are you joking?
- No.
It's just kind
of a fun tradition,
so if you hear "fresh fish,"
you better run.
Fresh fish, okay.
Unless you wanna take it
like a man.
But you don't look
too much like a man.
-Is it the hair?
-It's everything.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fair enough.
Markie... Steef.
This is Ginger.
She will be your guide today.
Shift meeting in 20.
Welcome to
Open Border Bistro, guys.
It's a busy place,
but I got you.
Can one of you help me
tie my apron?
Oh, sure.
I see you looking
at my mom's ass.
It's on sight.
That's my son, Oscar.
He's gonna be a doctor.
- I'm not even in school.
- -Why aren't you in school?
Suck it, faggot.
-I'm Mexican.
-What?
- Hey, we don't say that word.
- Yeah.
- It means happy.
- Well, that's
-gay.
-That's gay.
Well, I'm trans.
Isn't he handsome?
- He?
- Those lockers are yours.
Eyeliner's the one nice thing
I do for myself each day.
I work so much, I don't even
feel like a woman sometimes.
Well, you're definitely a woman.
Hey!
Oh, that's Gregor,
and I'm Romina.
Hi, I'm a Pisces,
full moon rising, and I'm also
a Reiki healer, so...
-Hmm.
-I'm Steef, and that's Markie.
-We're adult men.
-So good to have you guys.
We really could use the help.
Waiter promotions
are in three months,
- so... Yeah,
- Ooh...
we're all hoping
to get promoted, so...
Round up, you panochos.
Let's go.
- Oh, good luck.
- Okay.
This is gonna be it.
I'm Murderball.
I'm in a wheelchair.
-Yeah. You're doing good.
-Oh...
I'll catch up.
Look alive
out there today, folks.
Help the waiters where you can.
But remember,
don't get in their way.
They're the humans,
you're the shadows.
86, the Sinaloa salmon.
Oh, and there was a recall on
the Pop Smoke Crme Brle.
Roll silverware when you can.
Also, refills.
Keep the customers wet.
Oh, and we have two new busboys.
Let them flank you
until they're up to speed.
Do I think they'll last? No.
But what do I know?
I'm just the fucking boss.
Any questions?
Nope? Great.
Anything you need, ask April.
Oh, lord...
If you gotta pee, just get up.
No.
It's this job.
Every time I turn around,
I'm messing up.
The Murderball squealed his
wheels at me,
and Oscar called
me a, um, titty dick.
Who cares about that kid?
He's like three.
What? He's almost eight.
- He is?
- Yeah.
Listen, those guys are just
territorial, that's all.
-Just then I broke those dishes.
-Who cares?
They got insurance up the ass
for that stuff.
-They'll probably make money.
-They do?
- Yeah.
- I just don't know
if I can even do this anymore.
I think you're just kind of
feeling sorry for yourself.
You just gotta stay positive.
I mean, who beat that blockage
out of that shit line
in four swings?
That was you, dude.
And who's the guy
that gave CPR to that old man
at Piggly Wiggly
on Thanksgiving?
- He died.
- Yes, but, uh,
he was puffed up there.
You got him going.
Yeah. I'm like, "I think
almost 200 PSI, man."
He was maxed out.
And who's the guy
that's been working for years...
...really hard, to buy his mom
an aftermarket dangler?
Again, you.
You're not gonna pick this stuff
up right away.
You know what I mean? These guys
have been there forever.
But the thing is,
you can't give up, because...
...if you give up,
I won't be far behind.
And I'm not ready
to throw in the towel yet.
Till that table's clean.
Waiters?
Waiters.
Thanks, Markie.
About time for the waiter
announcement, no?
If one of you dish bitches
gets promoted over me,
-I'd be shocked.
-Well, you've been here
a week, dude.
- You're not getting shit.
- Oh, yeah?
But I'm better than you.
And faster.
Watch it.
-That's pretty good.
-Not bad.
-Damn.
-Two weeks ago,
I didn't even know English.
Now? ABCDFG, bitch.
Besides, man, come on.
You two gotta be the oldest
busboys in the universe.
-Hey.
-More him.
-Yeah.
-Well, you know...
Man...
Competition's gonna be tough.
Rick's fast.
And good-looking, man.
He should be disqualified.
I heard a picture of his abs got
-100 likes.
-Wait. How many?
What if they
only pick one of us?
They won't do that, dude.
We're a team.
They don't know that, Markie.
They don't give a shit.
Three minutes, losers.
Hey, yo! Mario Kart.
Boost it.
Here we go.
I got it, ese.
How'd you end up all
wheeled out, brother?
I-- I got polio from
one of the chicken enchiladas.
Oh, you got some pollo polio?
What did you say?
Pollo polio.
-Hey, man, that's racist.
-Yeah, that's racist, Markie.
No, it's funny. I'm just saying
it-- it sounds funny.
Funny to who?
This lifetime
musical chairs winner?
Gross. We can all agree
this place sucks.
I hope I get waiter.
-Yeah, me too. Let's go.
-I know. Me too, man.
Thanks, steppy.
- Yeah, pap.
- Ah, I'm stressed.
Man, you're strong, bro.
Well, hello, ladies.
It's that time of year again
when one of you zipper-sippers
is gonna get up to the bigs.
We only have one
waiter job this year,
and it's no surprise that none
of you really deserve it.
Put the biscuit down.
Biscuits are for waiters.
- But, one of you
is gonna get it,
and according to the new
administration,
it can't be
a naturally-born citizen.
Are you
a naturally-born citizen?
-I'm doggy style.
-It's a hard choice.
There's so much talent here.
Romina, the way you handled
that nine-top of mimes
on Das de los Muertos
was angelic.
Knowing they wanted
Chalupa's con verde
only by hand signals,
it was magnifique.
Is it your time?
Steef, Markie, you guys have
worked over 80 days
in the past three months.
If that doesn't deserve
a promotion, what does?
-Pick him.
-Silence!
Your ability to battle through
your illness,
which our attorneys
assure us will clear up
within a matter of days,
while doing your job,
is truly remarkable.
Great fucking work.
Are we gonna have our first
waiter con wheels?
Gregor, you don't say much,
and you've been drawing
what can only be described
as satanic shit
all over the bathroom walls.
Quite frankly,
we're afraid to let you go.
Rick, you have great skin...
...but you've been here
under a week,
and it's hard to evaluate
your commitment
to our fine establishment.
This was
a very difficult choice.
No, it wasn't.
Rick, get up here!
-Come on,
get the jacket, yeah!
-No...
You're kidding me.
- Get in here, Rick.
- What?
Rick sucks piss, dude.
Oh, man.
Anyone who didn't
see this coming
is a fucking imbecile.
Of course we're gonna put him
front and center.
We're a business.
The next waiter tryouts
are in six months.
-Get back to work, cockroaches.
-Oh...
- ...two, three.
- Fucking prick.
I actually thought
we had a chance this time.
Damn!
Pisses me off.
F, F, F!
Ha!
It pisses me off,
Markie.
And the doctor
keeps calling me, man.
If one of us made waiter,
that's how I was gonna pay
for my mom's surgery.
-Yeah.
-Another one. Let's go.
But the next call-up's
only six months away.
-It's not that far away. We--
-Yes, it is.
Dude, that's six more months
I can't tell Pam I'm a waiter.
Isn't she seeing that guy?
Yeah, I mean,
if you go by Instagram.
-It could be AI.
-Thank you, Oscar.
I thought she blocked you.
I got a burner.
You softshells need to work out
a little bit more,
and the women won't leave you.
Eat shit, Murderball.
I wasn't talking to you.
We work seven days a week.
When are we working out?
Yeah, who gives a shit?
Sounds like a
personal problem, baby.
You brought it up.
Hey, can't you see
that they're suffering?
Sorry.
-Man, he's changed.
-Wait, does he live right there?
- Yeah.
- What?
Yeah, he just told me
that inside.
He's a fucking pussy.
Yeah, after the lawsuit, they
let him move in right there.
Holy shit, that lucky prick.
-Yeah.
-Oh, my God,
he ate one bad burrito,
he gets a whole new pad?
Everyone's killing it but us,
man. Fucking pollo polio.
- I want one.
- Yeah.
Ooh.
Oh, somebody
arguing with their Uber driver.
Oh, two stars.
- Oh, maybe
it's a TikTok.
Hmm... What if it's an OnlyFans?
Ooh.
Let's give him
some privacy.
Yeah.
- Oh, we need dinner money.
- -Again?
You feel
like shooting some ropes?
Hey, June.
Hi, Cutie.
What can I do you for today?
Oh, I think old Tug McGraw here
is gonna go for the
-both-fluid special, all right?
-Ooh...
Yeah. Oh, my God,
- those jizz prices have really skyrocketed.
- -Yeah.
Anything to do
with that truck spill?
Skeet fleet, yeah.
Damn icy roads.
Everything went up after that.
I'm surprised the highway
didn't get pregnant.
It's not that funny.
Okay.
So what are you gonna go
for today, then?
I gave you guys so much
last week, I could barely
blow my nose.
Yeah.
But I'm gonna go
for the special.
-Yeah...
-All right, we got a special
in room four.
Okay, wait a second.
I think you're gonna want this.
Head on back there to get you
laced up, Bubba.
Call me Aunt Spank.
I'll be in my attic.
Yeah, fill her up.
When are you gonna ask me out?
Hmm?
Oh. Uh...
Well...
I mean, presently,
I'm sort of...
Kind of in the middle
of something.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
I heard you're kinda not.
Well, I mean,
if you go by Instagram,
but I hear a lot
of that's, like, A.I.
A lot of guys like me.
It's true.
They drive past here,
and they beep.
They don't stop, but they beep.
Oh...
No, I believe it.
I believe it.
Oh, boy, yeah.
Maybe he's having a lull.
Try your other arm!
Sorry to yell.
Sorry, guys.
Uh, I'm probably gonna sit down
over here for a second.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Good to see you, man.
Hey, this is my friend
Tony Montana
I've been telling you about.
- Look at that.
- Tony, that's Omar...
Look at that.
Come here.
Dude, these guys
went from working
in the kitchen
to being millionaires.
What?
Were they on a game show?
No, dude. They're dealing drugs.
They took matters into their own
hands,
and that's what we gotta do.
We don't have enough money
to last another six months.
I was counting
on that waiter shit.
We don't have any money, Markie?
How are we out of money?
We just drained
every fluid in my body.
Well, have you noticed we eat
Funyuns every night for dinner?
Yeah, Markie, they're great.
Well, listen...
-We gotta do that.
-Then why didn't you, man?
And don't be calling me no
fucking dishwasher, okay?
I'll kick your fucking ...
We don't have any drugs.
I think I got an idea.
- Shit. Yep. Yep.
- Come here. Come on.
Check it out.
See this caballero on 47?
- The Civil War guy.
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, so this dude
left a Dexatrim on
the table last time
when I was cleaning up.
I walked by,
and no one was looking,
I slurped that shit up.
Oh, what?
What if it had fentanyl in it?
Dude, I'm not allergic
to fentanyl
like a lot of these pussies.
I think we go by there
and scope for dope.
Maybe we should
think about this.
Selling drugs is dangerous.
Yeah, but you know
what else is dangerous?
Railroads are dangerous.
Time is extremely dangerous.
How many people have died
since the beginning of time?
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Listen, we don't have a choice.
We're never getting
your mom that meat missile
-she wants at this rate.
-Yeah.
Don't you wanna get
that thing on her?
Yeah, I want her to have
- that thing on her.
- Yeah.
Okay, listen.
I don't wanna sell drugs,
- but we need money.
- Yes.
-Waiters make money.
-Mm-hmm.
We make one big sale.
We use the proceeds
to buy a restaurant
and then we promote
ourselves to waiters.
Is that a good idea or what?
It's a fucking great idea.
That is unbelievable.
-It fixes everything.
-I'm gonna go say something.
Yeah, what are you going to say?
-You go say something.
-Yeah, I'll go say something.
Yeah...
You sure you can handle this?
Oh, yeah.
How do you wanna do it?
I give you the drugs to sell
and it's a 90-10 split.
We get the 90.
You get the 10.
-Right.
-And then you guys
split the 10%.
Then I get five of that back
just for fees and surcharges and
all that stuff.
Oh, like Ticketmaster?
- Exactly.
- Okay...
Sounds good.
Is that the shit?
You know it's the shit.
Now go sell it.
Fuck yeah.
Why are we doing this
in the freezer?
I don't know.
I thought that was your idea.
You know what? Sometimes
they hide a popsicle
in the tomatoes.
Okay. Uh...
We're not gonna make
the same mistakes
they do in movies.
They buy stuff,
they get all this money.
And they get flashy
and they get a big puffer coat.
We're not doing that.
We're gonna do one big sale.
Goodbye.
Ooh, let's try this crackhead.
Yo, yo. What's going on, boss?
Hey, wha-- what up?
What up?
What up thoe?
What up thoe, then?
What's cracking?
- What's good, twin?
- What's happening? Huh?
Hey, uh, you want, uh...
What's that?
Say what now?
Do you want to buy some
Dexatrim? My God...
Dexatrim?
Yeah. Would you like
to buy some drugs?
DEA! You're under arrest.
-What?
-You're under arrest.
Hands where I can see 'em.
- Oh, fuck.
- Put them up.
Markie? Who did-- what?
Did we win something?
Department of Homeland Security,
on the ground!
- Shit.
- Markie, are they buying it?
Shut your face. Back off, DHS.
This is a DEA bust.
DEA?
Nobody has the sniffles here.
Department of Transportation,
all right?
-These skips are coming with us.
-Flakers on DOT.
- Back up...
- Nobody called for a meter maid.
- Get on the ground.
- Fuck you.
Get up, hands up.
We saw what you did
to rabbits, you sickos.
- Get up.
- Get down on the ground.
-Get the-- Shut the--
-On your knees. Do you hear me?
- Get up!
- Up or down?
Either way is fine,
just say which one.
-Get up!
-Step towards us.
- What are you doing?
- Hands up!
Stop doing
Charlie's Angels!
What is this, Cirque du Soleil?
Stop pointing that at me,
I could get an eye infection.
- How could you-- This way!
- Stay still.
- Hands off him.
Hands on the ground.
- Up, up, up, up!
-Stop Titanicking.
-You two have clearly been to-
the parties.
- DTF.
- Yes.
Sorry, I think
we're in the wrong place.
-No, no. You can stay.
-Yeah.
On your knees.
DTF, do you like black guys?
- I'm a great listener.
- A crime?
On your knees.
-Everybody back off.
-Get out of here, Triple A.
-One of those--
-Don't you attack me.
This is a transportation issue.
- ...could call you from
Immigration.
Woah, woah, woah. Easy now.
I have a badge.
What's up, perv?
Were you REM-sleeping in there?
Dude, I'm glad you're up because
we've got a big day today.
We're going to sell some Dexy.
What about
yesterday, Markie?
When we went to get ice cream?
No, when we escaped
the drug bust.
Wait, was that yesterday?
Oh, my God, that felt like
a week ago. How weird.
I don't know if you've been
keeping up with the news, but
we got away with it.
So we've gotta try again, right?
But this time
I've got it all figured out.
So, we're gonna repo it.
I'm going to take all the drugs,
put them in the
trunk of the car.
They just can't be on us.
Because possession is
seven-tenths of the law.
So we're golden.
All right, Markie.
But I've got to tell you
something.
Do not...
...feed the lizard.
-I didn't.
-Do not...
-I barely talk to that lizard.
-I came in yesterday,
-it was eating something.
-I gave him one Skittle.
Markie, get the pipe cleaner.
-Fuck.
-It's in the drawer.
Did you say something,
you fat fuck?
Oh, yeah.
Nice.
Who runs this town,
motherfucker?
-You do.
-Yeah.
Man, we're gonna get
my mom that cock.
Yeah, wiener money.
What font is that?
I think that's Roman.
Oh, we got a customer, man.
All right, come on.
All right, be cool, be...
Yo, yo, what you gringos up to?
I'm brunette.
Oh, a couple poppers, huh?
You guys slangin' those
gay makers, huh?
Put that hyena
on your cock, man.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hell yeah.
That shit'll make your dick
burp, homie.
- This is fuckin' straight.
- Ooh...
-Dexatrim.
-Oh, shit.
I heard that shit slaps.
My buddy was on it,
and now he can't see his kids.
Lucky his kids fuckin' suck.
Okay. Bro,
-chill.
-Chill, Grimace.
Come on, dude. You in or out?
-How much?
-For how many?
Can you handle seven?
I can't do that many,
I don't think.
I have to work in one hours.
-I tell you what...
-Come on...
- What a pussy, huh?
- I'll give you...
-...20 bucks.
-Are you a cop?
You have to tell us if you are.
I'm a fuckin' boss!
You don't have to tell us that.
Yeah, I do. I'm a boss.
Write that shit down.
Okay, we'll notate it.
It's real.
Yeah, man, it's party time.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, they're chewable?
Oh, goddamn.
Oh, woah. Slurp God.
- Hey, that's a lot. Woah.
- Oh, yeah.
You're gonna pop a gasket,
-dude. That's too--
-Woah.
Oh, shit, he's glitching.
Shit, bro.
Check your matrix, homie.
rale, motherfuckers.
I feel like Peso Pluma.
I'm gonna propose to my
girlfriend and join a gym.
This is the best day of my life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, woah...
A-- Again, we will not be
pressing charges,
so I guess we're free to go?
Pipe down,
you little figure skater.
Hello.
I'm Agent Boyd
Federal Bureau of Investigation.
This is Agent Tally.
Oh, also, I'm a magician.
- Oh.
- And I will pull the living hell
out of your asses...
unless you do
exactly what I ask.
- That guy's jacked.
- Yeah.
You just interrupted Agent Boyd.
You do it again,
I'll sew your fucking mouth shut
with diarrhea!
It's bigger
than we know, and I'm scared.
And you know
what I'm talking about.
-Me?
-Was he looking
at somebody else?
Ask another dumb question again,
I'll zip you up in a body bag
and beat you
with a shovel for six years.
I like the shorter guy.
You two are gonna tell me every
fucking little thing you know.
My father was incarcerated
when I was seven, and--
About the restaurant, idiots!
Hey, don't call him an idiot.
Okay, listen.
They don't base promotions
on any... Code of Ethics.
It's really...
And the chips have salt on them,
but sometimes we put more salt.
They add salt.
Also, this is true.
We have to take a break before
our shift, you understand?
It makes no sense. We get there,
and they want us to
take a shift--
Who in the restaurant
are you selling drugs for?
We just got passed over
for waiter, all right?
We need money.
And it's not even a big deal.
It's just Dexatrim.
Did you say... "Dexatrim"?
Yes, he did.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
My wife was on Dexatrim.
She painted our house on it
before, you know.
These halfwits don't know shit.
"We put extra salt."
Jesus.
A couple of busboys
trying to come up.
I can relate.
Passed over
for waiter so many times,
I joined the force.
I mean, either
they're-- they're dumb
or really fucking dumb.
You'll want to see this.
Ha!
You know this guy?
He's a drug kingpin...
...known as Padre Noche.
-No.
-No, I don't think so.
Look at it again.
Uh...
No.
You know what?
I believe them.
Me too.
Can't believe I'm saying it.
Can we send them in as C.I.s?
They could get killed.
Hopefully.
I'll shoot straight
with you boys. Um...
...selling fake
Dexatrim is illegal.
-Fake? No, this is...
-Shit's--
Why'd that guy crash?
Could've been a Raiders fan.
We don't know. We don't care!
Listen, test it again.
The guy who sold it to me
said he muled it
across the border
and the mule
got a little bit of it
and got so high he fucked
the wheels off a Ford Festiva.
What we do know...
...is that we're
willing to drop the charges.
If you can help us out.
We've been scoping
out Border Bistro.
Lot of heavy drug activity
passing through there.
But you want us to be narcs?
-At our own restaurant?
-It's either that
or you go to
court for selling illegal drugs.
Or go to prison for life but
hang yourself after two weeks.
- Oh...
- We will put you
somewhere first under cover
so that you can get a...
feel for it.
- Uh...
- What do you say, fellas?
Huh? Yes?
Is that a "yes"?
- Yikes. Seniors.
- Yeah...
And they're big.
Hey guys, what kinda intel are
we supposed to be grabbing here?
Just keep your ears open
and your cocks soft. Got it?
Look, overall
this is just practice.
So... see you at 3 p.m.
Okay, bye dads!
Yes, our dads are gay, people.
Calm down.
Those guys are gay?
- I think so.
- Wow.
They got the mustache for sure.
Oh, yeah,
those are prison curtains.
Look, science fair
is in three weeks.
What do you got?
Oh-- oh, you got fentanyl?
-You're taking fentanyl?
-I got-- no, I'm taking fencing.
-What do you got?
-Oh, God...
I got chorus and remeia--
-remiadal. Re-- Yeah.
-Remedial reading. Yeah.
-Want to switch?
-No, that's good. No.
Alright, so we-- right here
-right after school, okay?
-Yeah.
-Okay. Yeah.
-You got this? Soak it up.
Get some info. You're wired.
-Okay, okay, right.
-Let's do it.
You're going this way?
-Yeah, bro.
-Ah. Perfect.
Uh, we're new.
Can anyone tell me
what's going on here?
Uh, that's um...
-Fuck.
-Language.
Sorry, sir, um...
It's um... Shit, it's a--
it's a fucking...
Fuck, what's it called?
It's a-- it's a pipe.
Language, please.
-Wrong.
-That's a meth maker, huh?
What Victor was s-- saying, sir,
is that it's a sump pump.
Correct. And what
can you tell me about it?
A sump pump collects water
underneath your house...
...until it fills enough it
triggers a float switch
which activates the
discharge pipe
which pushes the water
away from your house.
Exactly.
Damn, new kid's a contractor.
Thanks, bro.
That's what I was trying to say.
Hey, Mr. Gotti tried
to fart in my mom's butt.
Oh, God...
When a man and a woman get
together in a certain way--
-Handjob?
-No.
Hmm... What is a handjob?
That is correct.
Yeah, I know my shit.
Next one.
Oh, what a day, huh?
Oh, my stomach hurts.
I had too many Twixes at lunch.
What did we learn, fellas?
Give us the drop.
Well, it was a pretty tough
first day.
You guys know Thomas Murphy
from band class?
No. He's a dealer or something?
- Yeah.
- You'll want to hear this.
Listen to this shit.
What'd I miss?
- Oh, you didn't catch that?
- No.
He sucks.
Yeah. And he's first chair.
-I'm better than him.
-This dude barely plays
-and he's better than him.
-Yeah, I play once a month.
Jesus.
What you got?
Some guy told me I look like
"Low-Ironman."
And another guy said I look like
an iPhone one inch.
That means you have
a small dick and you're old.
Yeah, it's a combo burn.
Oh... I knew it was a negative.
Don't sweat this one, fellas.
Look...
...we're gonna send you
in full steam tomorrow
at the restaurant.
You're ready.
-Fuck yeah.
-Yeah.
Okay. We just gotta seem like
we're not doing nothing.
Totally normal.
You hear that?
Yeah.
What is that?
Sounds like a Rubik's cube.
Yeah.
Wrapped in plastic.
With a backsplash
of butt bustle.
- Mm-hmm.
- Vitamin B piss.
Maybe a Barbie doll?
Just the torso.
-Yes.
-Hmm.
Yeah, something
is clogging those lines.
-Yep. Def--
-For sure.
Think we should tell
manager Tim?
I mean, I don't give a fuck.
Ah-- it's their problem.
They got insurance.
-Oh, they do?
-Yeah, we got work to do.
Yeah, we're really busy.
-Good evening.
-Hey, do you wanna play a game
where we open up your locker
and see what's inside of it?
-I have not.
-Hmm. What is it,
a collection
of criminal activity?
-Oh,
-Hmm...
sounds like a healthy divorce.
-Take care.
-Noted.
Truth or dare?
Have you been selling drugs
for a company
outside of our company,
but using our company?
That's also a cartel that works
in Mexico or America?
Oh, no, I'm vegan.
-Hmm.
-Carry on.
Did you get that?
Oh, it's Manager Tim.
Have you guys seen
the new schedule?
Oh, yeah,
we had a question about that.
Also, we were just telling each
other our deepest,
darkest, uh,
secrets for no reason.
What's yours?
I once lived with a guy
for ten months.
He went around telling people
I was gay.
So we broke up.
Back to work.
Sir...
And we're out of chalupas.
We got him.
Fuck, man, they're not--
Oh, who are those guys?
Oh, shit, are those
those OnlyFans guys?
Just don't look at these guys.
Keep walking.
Hey guys.
- Good afternoon.
- Hey.
These guys are upset
about something, huh?
...motherfuckers.
Yeah. No trouble, fellas.
Just gonna get some pizza.
Medium pizzas.
Come on out, fuck you.
Are we allowed to leave?
What? What? What?
You want us
to get you something?
Fuck, dude.
We don't want any trouble.
Wow.
Where's Neighborhood Watch
when you need them?
What about this slurp soup?
Should I have a
cup or bowl, you think?
I might get
this baby bird burger.
-Samuel. What?
-Hey.
Dude, nice hat, man.
-That traditional garb?
-Garb, man? Wha--
What are you
talking about, man? It's a--
It's a tourniquet.
I got jumped over
at the Hacienda Grill, son.
Twelve versus one.
I tried to use some of my moves,
but, man, they had pipes
and stuff, man.
Lesson learned.
I'm still recovering.
Sorry to hear-- you look--
-you look-- You look good.
-You, uh...
-You look how you look.
-Yeah.
I look good?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-I got my grip back.
Oh, yeah. You could...
-...tickle anybody.
-Yeah, man.
Sorry to hear about that.
I thought that was just
-at our restaurant.
-Yeah.
Dude, I can't believe you have
to get beat up to be a busboy.
Do you know what,
uh, fresh fish means?
What are you doing? What--
Nah...
It's everywhere near the border.
Yeah. It's the price
we pay to work,
- and it's worth it.
- Yeah.
I still can't see past
seven feet.
That's not that far, dude.
Maybe you should
take a shift off.
That's why I might need
some outside help.
I heard you were
the boys to talk to.
Hold up a second.
Do not move.
-No.
I need this.
-Go--
-Are you trying to get us in a
threesome?
No, dude. He's j-- janking out.
He needs that goddamn Dexatrim.
Shit. We gotta get out of here.
I mean, the cops
have all our stuff anyway.
Hey, can we get a check?
I got your tab.
Just... remember me
when the plug pulls up.
-That's it. We're Rick--
-Goddamn. We're really
Scarface and the other guy.
Yeah, Rick Ross.
-Let's go.
-Yeah.
Gracias.
Thank you, Gregor.
Amen.
Let's put it away.
I have some bad news,
guys and gals.
I know. Life is bad news.
But this is the formaldehyde
cherry on top
of the shit sundae.
You know Rick,
the new waiter appointee?
Yeah. Um, someone said
that he only got the job because
his grandfather was a model,
and I just want to say that my
foremothers weren't even allowed
to be models.
No one knows what the hell
you're talking about.
The first model was a woman,
and most models still are.
I get waxed.
That's called jealousy,
maybe work harder.
What I was going to say was
that Rick has not shown up
for three straight shifts.
So if anybody knows
what the hell is going on,
I'd appreciate
you letting me know.
His family is concerned as well.
If he were mine, I wouldn't let
him out of my sight.
But he's not mine,
I'm his employer.
And if he continues
to not show up,
God help us, we're gonna
have to promote
one of you piglets.
So everybody
stay sharp out there.
Back to work.
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Yeah.
So Rick--
Rick is handsome and missing.
How much attention does one
dude need? I mean, it's unreal.
I'm just saying, it's kinda wild
how a waiter can not
show up. Or he quits,
they put out a freaking APB.
Do you think anyone
gives a fat fuck if we quit?
No.
In fact, let's test that.
-Oh.
-I wouldn't.
I quit!
Fresh fish!
No.
- No, I was just say--
I was just say--
- Get that titty dick!
Merk that white boy!
- I'm scared!
You little bitch!
- Tickle that dirty baby!
- No, no, no!
Okay, hold still.
Ready? Yeah, it's okay.
Easy.
-You're fine.
-Ow...
Let's see.
-Oof.
-I don't think that qualifies
for even half the combo.
Yeah... Well, I do appreciate
you staying late for me.
Well, we like to make our
customers happy.
Some of them anyways.
Hey,
where's your weird,
old son at anyway?
It's a slow night tonight.
We gotta cut somebody.
Oh, can it be us?
Nah, we got
a whole plumbing issue.
We need Oscar's little arms to
kinda clear the pipes.
Steef, you're off the clock.
Yes, sir.
I'm gonna go check on Markie.
My son?
-Yeah.
-Oh, you mean Steef?
Oh, that's my best friend.
-Yeah, no, no. He's, uh...
-Oh...
No, I've known
that guy for years.
How did the two of y'all meet?
Oh, um, actually,
I kind of rescued him
when he got hit by a car.
So you're a hero then.
Not exactly.
Sounds to me like you are.
Whatever happened
to the guy that hit him?
That's the part that's
hard to explain because...
...that guy was me.
Screw y'all!
Oh, shit. Pull over.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Hey, are you okay?
What happened?
-Poison.
-I was poisoned?
No, Poison. The t-shirt.
Those guys are great.
I saw them three times.
Also, you got hit by a car.
Well...
...think of it this way.
Somebody was gonna hit him.
He's lucky it was you.
That's nice.
Thanks.
Where's my cock money?
So crow equals Steef's dad.
Good evening.
Whatever
happened to the guy
that hit him?
That guy was me.
Somebody was gonna hit him.
Suck it, faggot.
You like me, huh, buddy?
I was a busboy.
Still am, I guess.
That's all...
Fuck that...
Murderball,
you dropped your vape.
Mr. Ball?
Mr Mur-- Murder?
It's a miracle.
And I witnessed it.
Murderball!
Wow. This is biblical.
That was
some good standing, brother.
Yeah, thanks, boy.
Oh, it took so much out of me.
Can you help me up on the chair?
Sure.
Oh. Oh, God.
You're a miracle, man.
Thanks.
Anything for you, man.
You're a miracle.
Nobody's gonna believe this.
You're right. They won't.
Oh, I'm tired, man.
I need to rest.
Can I touch your legs?
I wanna touch your magic leg.
- That's enough.
- -Can I touch your legs, sir?
-Oh, I like them. So...
Look at them legs.
-Okay. Yeah.
I like them, boy.
You like that? Hmm...
Look at these little wizard
stems, huh?
Ooh.
He's not home right now.
You want me
to be your little white woman?
Amazing legs
Okay, okay, okay. That's enough.
I like these big dogs
Oh, shit.
Fucking miracle.
Fuck, dude.
Your legs is making me gay.
All right. Call me
if you need me,
- okay? Congratulations.
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- All right.
- God is good.
- Yeah...
We might have a problem, boys.
I'm all in.
I'm gonna just...
Hey, guys.
You're never gonna believe it.
You're a Capricorn.
No. Murderball walked.
What?
We gotta jump that communist.
No. He-- he didn't quit.
He walked. He walked.
Like, on his legs.
Like a Homo sapien.
You're full of shit.
The doctor said
he would never walk again.
Eat ass, Oscar.
I seen him walk.
I'll prove it.
I'll get a selfie with him.
And another thing.
I found out who hit me with
their car when I was just a kid.
My former best friend...
...Markie.
Not surprising.
Hey, Murderball.
I just wanna get
a selfie with you, buddy.
Just prove to everybody
that you're evolving.
I just want to get a selfie
while your legs
are still working.
Murderball?
This is shittier than I thought.
What?
Any luck?
- Yes.
- I'm getting something.
I would like a number eight,
two nachos,
- and a vanilla cone.
- The ice cream machine
- is down.
- I didn't order
no ice cream, motherfucker.
Bitch, what you want?
Where are you,
Murderball?
Yeah... Hey, Murderball.
I want to see you while your
legs are still magic, brother.
Yeah...
Murderball.
Freeze.
Just here to get
a selfie with Murderball.
You're not here to do shit.
Start walking.
What? I just--
Wow. This is crazy.
Is this part of the trailer?
It reminds me of Pittsburgh.
Is this a three-bedroom?
Hey, there's my friend.
Murderball.
Great place you got here.
Yeah...
I'll fucking kill you.
What? Me?
Things have changed.
Get him out of here!
Damn it.
That guy tried to kiss me.
Hey, has anybody seen Steef?
I've been looking all over
the restaurant for him.
I don't think
he wants to see you
since he found out
you hit him with your car.
No, no, no.
Shit...
Hey, dipshit.
You guys.
Where's Steef?
I don't know.
I'm looking for him, too.
We overheard him say something
about Murderball on the radio.
Murderball?
Well, that guy lives right here.
Hey, guys.
Hey, we were supposed to be
at work two minutes ago.
What's going on?
What are you doing?
A TikTok?
Hey, guys.
Hey, guys, come on.
What?
Did Murderball
fall down this hole?
Hello?
Hello?
I can't believe Markie's
the one who hit me.
Now Murderball's acting weird.
I'm gonna lose
two friends in one day.
Shut the fuck up, Steef.
Rick.
Help me out of here.
I'm losing my tan.
What are you doing here?
Everybody thought
you were on The Bachelor.
What?
No, you dumb fuck.
Hey, listen up, buddy.
I haven't eaten in half a week.
I need some protein.
Get me out of here, please.
No flirting.
Oh, my God.
There's a strip club down here.
Oh, shoot.
I don't have any ones on me.
-Hi.
-Freeze!
Oh...
Oh, God damn.
Oh, Steef.
You're in this dungeon too?
I was looking for you, man.
I'm glad you didn't drive here.
Buddy, uh, let me explain
what happened.
Get the fuck up.
- Get up.
- You too, get up.
Fine...
Oh, Rick, you're here too?
Dude, I texted you
on your birthday.
You never texted me back.
Well, I was here,
you fucking loser.
It's still rude.
- Ow.
- Come on, let's go.
- You too.
- Ow. I'm going.
Hey, Rick, plug in your phone.
Take it easy, Rick.
Woah... rale.
If it isn't Creepy and Sneaky.
-Dude, he can stand up.
-I was gonna tell you.
You know, I liked you,
chicharrones...
...until this one
called me Pollo polio.
Are we still talking
about this?
That's just a play on words.
And then this one
tried to kiss me.
It's just a play on lips.
You know... I would like
to let you guys go.
We accept.
But... I can't.
You can't unsee
what you've already seen.
Yeah, the eyes
have good memories.
They're like...
the brains of the face.
-What is that?
-What?
Bitches.
No, the first part.
Last words.
Actually, yeah.
I knew if this time
ever came, I wanted to...
...put on this bandana
that my dad gave me...
...when I was just a kid.
Before he went away to prison...
...he used to take me
to this vape shop.
It was really cool.
Carcinogens, it was called, and
it was two stories.
And he let me smoke
all the youth vapes.
And I was even part of the
Carcinogens Kids Club for a bit.
And he gave me this bandana
before he left.
So I'm gonna wear it.
So when I go to heaven...
...he'll be able to find me.
Mine's for Steef.
I just want to tell you...
...when I took that
dog out that day...
...it was his last lap and
I-- I was supposed
to do whatever he wanted
and he wanted to
try to drive the car.
And I knew it was stupid.
I knew he was gonna
be bad at it.
And he was so bad and he
couldn't drive at all.
And he hit you.
I didn't know what to do.
I got scared.
I'm so sorry that happened.
But you're my best friend
in the world...
...and I can't die knowing
that you're mad at me.
I forgive you, man.
Bro, don't make
this shit so gay, fellas.
Shoot us.
Time to die...
Pollo...
...polio.
This feels just like
when we were alive.
Oh, my God,
it's Padre Noche.
Every Sunday...
...I took you to that store...
...and you tried
all the new flavors,
and then you vomited
all the way home.
I didn't care
and you didn't care either.
I gave you that
on your fifth birthday.
Holy shit.
Dad?
Steef!
Dad!
Oh...
I thought you were in jail.
No, I escaped, and
within a month
I was out and I...
I wanted to see you.
I wanted to look you up.
I wanted to know you.
But I thought, man,
I'd be a bad influence on you.
I went and visited you
every week for nine years.
They said you were busy
and you'd escaped
after one month?
Embarrassing.
I always thought I could
get out of this life
and get into yours.
I can't believe it's you!
Dad! Oh...
I've thought about
you every day.
- What happened, Dad?
- Did I get shot?
Did I get shot?
- Dad, sit down, Dad.
- Oh, shit...
- Sit down. Sit down.
- Who the fuck shot me?
It's gonna be okay, Dad.
You know what I wish?
What, Dad?
I wish I could've
been there for you...
You're here for me now, Dad.
It's okay.
He's right.
Freeze! FBI!
Hands up!
Get on the fucking ground!
You're all under arrest!
Oh, my God.
So, you boys were in
on this the whole time?
-We didn't know a thing.
-No...
-Get that ass open!
-Department of Homeland
Security,
on the ground!
Department of Transportation!
-We know!
-Hey, you guys are here, too?
We're in a group chat.
Is there an afters?
You know, I don't know.
-There's something.
-There's something.
Hey, that is crazy
about your dad.
-I know. My dad's back.
-I love it.
That's so cool.
I'm happy for you, man.
Thanks, man. I--
I'm happy for me, too.
He remembered your thing
and everything.
Yeah, he gave it to me.
Oh, check out Murderball. Can
you believe the dude can walk?
Yeah, he can walk.
He's like a baby.
I couldn't believe it,
then they shot him.
- Yeah.
- I'm just kidding, man.
Walked for a little bit.
- Dangerous time for babies.
- Yeah.
Silence!
Anyone have eyes
on Padre Noche?
He got away from me.
Well,
let's go after him.
It's 105 degrees outside.
-He's all yours.
-Oh, hell no.
It's 105 degrees!
I am hot!
Bosses!
We got Murderball. Okay?
And that's a big piece
of the puzzle.
Right there.
I've been shot!
I need an ambulance!
We need a paramedic.
Later.
Attention, busboys and girls.
Today is a unique day in the
history of our establishment.
The heroic efforts of some
members of our staff
to keep drug trafficking
out of our restaurant,
which will no doubt
impact some of our performance,
have been monumental.
And as a thank you,
I would like to present
two pure, pewter
bus tubs to Steef Barn
and Markie Montgomery.
Oh, my gosh.
Markie!
Dude. What?
Look at that.
Whoa, are these real pewter?
And, due to Rick's absence, and
to take advantage of some of the
media buzz
surrounding the drug bust,
I would like to announce
we are gonna bring
one of you leperous
scuzzwranglers up to the rank
of waiter.
I hope it's me.
Against my better judgment,
I would like to announce
the newest waiter
at the Border Bistro...
Markie, come up
and get this jacket.
Me? Me?
-Oh, my God.
-Yay, congrats.
- Speech!
- What?
Speech! Speech!
Thank you, Manager Tim.
Thank you, America.
Well, seven months ago...
...I knew
that if I became a waiter,
I would get everything
I wanted in life.
The image, the girl,
the money, the future.
But I was actually wrong.
I already have all that stuff.
I got everything
I always wanted.
I got a friend.
So, thank you, but I'm gonna
pass on this promotion.
And I'm going to stay right here
next to my buddy.
Busboys for life.
Busboys for life.
But I have a question,
Manager Tim, uh...
Are these waiter promotions
at all transferable?
Depends on
who you give it to.
I was thinking of giving it to
the hardest working person
in the building, ah...
Day in, day out, they break
their back to provide...
...a really
nice life for their family.
Ginger would be a great
- waitress.
- What?
Yes, she would. Approved.
What?
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
- Ginger.
- Thank you.
- Yes! Ginger.
- Thank you.
-Ginger!
-Now that she's a waitress,
I have to go back to school,
you piece of shit.
-Markie.
-Oh, you're welcome.
So, wait, you're a busboy again?
You're damn right I am.
Um, fresh fish!
- No, no, no. No, no.
- Teach that
quitter a lesson!
Well, I guess this is it.
Come here, man.
-Wait.
-Are you going this way?
-Are you going this way, too?
-Yeah.
- Why'd you say this is it?
- I don't know.
I just thought-- I thought we
might be walking...
Eh, that's fine.
Oh, I was gonna tell you, dude.
- Your dad is yoked, dude.
- Yeah.
It means I'm gonna
be jacked as well
-when I grow up.
-Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure.
-It's in the bloodstream.
-I know, man.
Pump, pump.
Yeah, I'm excited about that.
And now that I got my dad back,
I think I'm gonna back off
that surgery for my mom.
Oh.
I think that's good.
You should do something for you.
I think I'm gonna go back
to high school.
- Really?
- Yeah.
I used to hate it,
but once we did it undercover,
I kind of dug it.
It gets easier.
And plus, I never finished, so
I only have about 38 hours left.
Well, I think that's cool.
And if you ever need a tutor,
I'd-- I'd want to help.
Let's go in.
Let's make some toast!
What's taking so long?
You've been in there for,
like, two hours.
Yeah, I can't do this.
I don't even know
what I'm looking for down here.
Jesus.
Look...
...I'm just a waiter, okay?
I don't even know
how to really do anything else.
Fucking hot plate.