Bytte bytte baby (2023) Movie Script

- Ice cream for the grownups!
- No, it's for us!
Then I need a big hug.
Come here, you!
Oh, you're just the best!
Say goodbye to your aunt and uncle.
- No ice cream! Come on.
- We want ice cream!
See you, my darling.
See you soon, okay?
Did you eat a lot of sugar?
I don't know how you do it.
I'm just helping his little body
release some tension.
It must be so great
to be able to do that.
You must be a wonderful mum.
Don't you have any children yet?
Honey, it's time!
Malte, I'm ready.
That baby is going to have
the hottest mum ever!
Oh, honey...
Rose petals. How pretty!
- Are they real?
- Yes.
Wait, honey...
I just want to move my leg over here.
Yes... That's it.
No, wait. Don't forget the angle.
We need to adjust by 45 degrees.
There... Whoops!
That's it. Yes.
Okay, honey. Let's make that baby.
Let's move those up there...
- It's that one over there.
- Yes.
- Well, I bought wheat.
- I told you to get whole grain...
- Hello.
- Welcome.
The last stragglers have arrived.
My name is Thorbjrn Srensen.
I'm the head doctor here at the
Topse & Dichmann Fertility Clinic.
I'll spend an hour explaining
the process you'll be going through.
- Please ask questions afterwards.
- I've a question.
Do you use follitropin alpha
or follitropin beta hormone?
Let's start at the beginning
so everyone can keep up.
- Yes, of course.
- Yes...?
Are there any statistics
on how often your attempts fail?
No, but we have the highest
success rate in the country.
Is there anything you can do
if you'd rather have a boy?
Some people find that idea unethical.
Hi, I'm Liv. Can you replace the
hormones with something more natural?
Natural? You realise this is called
"artificial insemination," right?
- That was rather good, eh?
- Shouldn't we just adopt?
- We should have our own.
- Why don't we move on?
I refer you to Appendix 8...
The initial treatment
integrates easily into your lives
but you have to take the hormones
at exact times. per section 36, clause 2.
Can we take a short break?
Thank you.
You can inject the needle
into your belly yourself.
Don't worry.
It's completely painless.
Love you.
Most of you won't notice
any changes from the hormones.
Egg retrieval can be a bit painful.
So it's a good idea to bring
your partner along for support.
The embryo transfer is a quick
and mostly pain-free procedure.
Ow, ow, ow...!
Then all you have to do is wait,
while science does the work for you.
We use a very efficient
treatment method
so most of you
will soon see positive results.
For those of you who aren't so lucky
just get back on the horse!
Honey? I think it wants you to do it.
We have to be there
in 20 minutes, all right?
It's more romantic
when we do it together, right?
Okay, honey!
- Hello.
- Hello. We brought one of these.
- All right. Please have a seat.
- Take care of it!
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Peppermint cracker?
- No, thank you.
- They're great when you're bloated.
- I'm not.
- Would you like a cracker?
- Yes. Thank you.
- Are they home-made?
- Yes.
I'm sorry, Malte.
There wasn't quite enough.
- But there was plenty.
- It's not always about the quantity.
All yours.
- Liv? Can you come in here?
- Sure.
No, you have to do it alone to keep
the penis free of saliva and bacteria.
- It can contaminate the sperm sample.
- Okay. We don't want that.
How perverted of you to help out
without checking the consequences.
- There must be a manual.
- It didn't mention that.
Well, you've probably
messed this one up too, then.
That's too high!
- Not so high!
- Good Lord...
- Hey, darling.
- Auntie gets to practice a bit.
No, no... Be careful!
That looks too dangerous.
If your body isn't suited for pregnancy
then focus on your job.
You're successful in that area.
For me?
Oh, did you hear...
Cousin Karen is pregnant again.
They didn't want any more, but that's
what happens when you're not careful.
That's nice for them.
Just relax, honey.
Think positive thoughts.
- The egg has divided. That's good.
- Yes, but where are they?
I'm sorry for the delay.
May I have your identification number?
- Yes, it's 120680...
- I need them now! Oops.
- I thought you were done.
- I'll be there in a second.
- Could you...?
- Yeah, I'll just close it.
- The cake is in the oven.
- Are we done already?
Yes, we finished without you.
I'm almost like a stepdad!
Come on. Please, come on!
Malte? I'm pregnant.
- What? You're sure?
- Yes.
- I'm pregnant!
- Yes!
- You have to... One second.
- What is it?
Yes! All right!
I got it on a dumpster-dive last week.
It's okay, right?
- Sure, one glass is okay.
- Here you go.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
I guess not.
I need to show you this.
This app scans our faces,
and then it makes our baby.
Oh, it's so cute.
So cute!
It looks just like you.
It has your eyebrows and nose.
- We have a winner.
- Yes! I told you.
- Eight home tests can't be wrong.
- Well, let's not jinx it.
- Honey, we're pregnant!
- Careful!
Andreas, put me down.
Put me down.
Excuse us. She's worried it won't last.
We've been unlucky before.
Now you have me to lead the charge.
Keep calm and everything will work out.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I have a present for you, Mum.
Darling, finally!
I'm so happy.
Have you known long?
No. We wanted to be sure
before we shared the news.
You forget how nervous I've been.
I've been waiting since you were 19.
You're taking Zimmermann's herbal shots?
- No. Where do I buy those?
- "Buy"? If you want something done...
- Are you feeling nauseous?
- Not really...
I felt amazing when I was pregnant.
Beautiful! Not that your dad noticed.
Did I mention Mary-Ann's daughter
made all her baby clothes herself?
Well, no one with any self-respect
would buy that factory-made junk.
- Hey.
- Hello. Hey, Ulla.
- Congratulations, Malte.
- Oh yeah. Thanks.
I'm glad you finally sent
your little soldiers off.
- Take care of our beautiful girl.
- I'm pretty sure it'll be a boy.
Grandmas know these things.
Be sure to keep your strength up.
It's going to be a long day.
Just a minute.
- Everything okay?
- Yes. I'm just hungover.
On a Tuesday?
You're a busy bee, eh?
The goal is to get
a 5,5 million euro compensation.
This case is of the utmost importance.
We have to win it.
- We will.
- Yes, of course.
Be prepared for a hard year.
But with Cecilie leading the charge,
we're in safe hands.
Okay? Shall we get started?
- Jan, do you have a minute?
- I have a half.
I just have to tell you that I...
I'm pregnant.
Aren't you much too old for that?
I mean... I didn't think you were
the maternal type. But congratulations.
Thank you.
I hope you know what you're doing.
Nappies don't mix well with this job.
Andreas is taking half the leave.
I'll be back before you know it.
A heads-up would have been nice.
Yes... But this was a whoopsie.
My two youngest were whoopsies, too.
Just stay focused on the case.
Yes. I will.
Excuse me... I'll be focused...
I have to take this.
This is Cecilie.
This will be the herb garden.
Basil and mint.
- Thyme.
- Of course. All the good things.
And set up the spare room
so I can move in and help out
the first couple of months.
Malte and I think it would be better
to expand the living room.
You can be here during the day.
Trust me, you'll be needing help 24/7.
Men are no help at night.
This is Liv.
- What's this about?
- Let's go in here and close the door.
Please, have a seat.
- This is Mogens. He owns the clinic.
- Is something wrong with the baby?
No, no. Your baby is doing fine.
But there's been an administrative
error. It's never happened before.
Your egg has unfortunately been swapped
with that of another couple.
- Mogens, would you elaborate?
- They've been swapped. The eggs.
How can that happen?
We don't know.
You have to know
how the hell this happened!
It shouldn't have been possible.
We don't really understand.
- But it...
- Easy. There must be an explanation.
They've simply been swapped.
We paid for a private clinic
to make sure we'd be in safe hands.
Yes, the public sector
can be very messy.
But it's my sperm in the egg?
Or is that swapped too?
It's not just the sperm,
it's the whole lot.
But what do we do now?
- We can terminate the pregnancy.
- That's not happening.
Do you realise what we've
been through to get here?
- We'll terminate and try again.
- No. I have a little person in here.
It would be selfish to kill
an innocent being. I can't do it.
You told me I don't have a lot of eggs,
and then you go and mess it up.
Calm down. There's no reason
you can't have a happy ending.
Who has our child, then?
- Honey, mind the baby.
- It's not even my baby!
They've impregnated me
with another couple's baby.
Kim and Helle, you're up.
- I'll press charges.
- Honey, settle down.
Why don't you terminate?
Come on, Dad!
Lars, look at her. She's 42.
If she wants a baby, it has to be now.
- Just swap them once they're born.
- Are we sure that's the right approach?
- Of course. What else can we do?
- I don't know.
What if one day you spot a mini Andreas
who has your eyes and sweet smile?
We don't know their genetics. We've
never had a disability in our family.
- Irene!
- Mental disorders are hereditary.
Yes, what if that baby is super sick?
Or a redhead.
I'm just saying.
Liv, I think it's up here.
It's right up here.
It's huge.
Are you sure it's the right address?
You like that, don't you?
Bloody hell. It's a Model S.
Does it have a sunroof?
Hello. Welcome.
We're glad you could make it.
- Thanks for having us. Hello.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- Oh. Hello.
- What a mess. We're beside ourselves.
- We're still in shock.
We'll figure out a solution.
Bloody hell! It's gigantic!
I can give you a tour?
This is our living room...
- Beautiful wallpaper.
- Thank you. Should I open it?
- Wow...
- It sends out healing energy.
- I made it myself. It's a bracelet.
- It's very nice.
- I have a gift for you, too.
- Wow. Okay. What's this?
It's a heart rate monitor. Then you
can always keep track of the baby.
That's clever.
I probably won't need it though.
My body is really good at sensing
how the baby is doing. But thanks.
It's good to have, just in case.
Wow. You have more rooms
than you know what to do with.
Yes, there are lots of possibilities.
This will be the nursery.
We're waiting a bit.
Just in case...
You have a lot of books about fertility.
Have you been trying long?
May I offer you a drink?
- I wouldn't mind a beer.
- Do you have kombucha?
- I think we're all out of...
- Yes, I believe so.
Oh, okay. Sparkling water, then?
We drink a lot of that here,
now that we're pregnant.
- I'll go get that.
- I'll help out.
"We" are pregnant?
- So sorry I'm late.
- What are you doing here?
- Isn't the baby-swap meeting today?
- You're not invited.
Oh. But I have really good news.
We've decided to give you a refund
if you agree to keep
this little incident quiet.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
We've been looking forward
to getting to know you.
- Us, too.
- What do you do for work?
I work as a body SDS therapist
in the Holistic House.
- Body... what?
- Self Development System.
- Malte is an electrician.
- And I work on our own project.
- We've bought a great allotment house.
- It's nice to have a hobby.
It's not just a hobby.
We're having water and heating put in
and then we're moving in
when the baby comes.
- It sounds a bit cold.
- Not at all. What do you do?
Andreas owns a real estate business
and I'm an attorney.
Sounds like you keep busy.
We're saving up
so we can work less
once the baby's here.
On that subject, maybe we should
talk about how to handle the swap?
- Yes, on a practical level.
- Right. But...
Are we sure we even want to swap?
Of course we are.
We've talked about this.
- It's not a matter of course.
- Yes, it is.
But you can't avoid
feeling a connection
when you give life to a baby.
Don't you feel the same way?
It's also about genetics.
Eye colour, smile, personality.
Love isn't just based on genetics.
What about the symbiosis?
I need to stop you right there
and ask for clarification.
- You're saying you don't want to swap?
- No.
Oh, okay. For a minute I thought...
I just don't know yet.
Liv, you can't give this guy away.
Look how cute he'll be.
- Wow...
- Oh.
I just don't think I can know
until I've really felt it in my body.
That's just how I feel.
I refuse to have their hippie baby!
Good grief, it was ugly.
- We're three against one.
- Some genes shouldn't reproduce.
She's probably the type
to not believe in medical science.
- She's a double dipper, honey!
- Double-dipping? Isn't that allowed?
No! It's dangerous when you're
pregnant. It spreads germs!
Honey, I'm sure you and I
can get through this together.
This is an absurd situation!
I think you'll feel much calmer
once you've come to know her.
And you need
to stay friendly with her, okay?
- There, honey. It'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Thank you. There won't be a settlement.
Because I'm not done...
No, I'm still here.
They'll pay the full damages.
- Here are some cigarettes for you.
- Thank you. How kind.
When you're pregnant, your baby
is shaped by what you do.
Everything makes a mark
on your body, mind and soul.
Every tiny imbalance affects the foetus.
- Hey, gorgeous.
- Holistic well-being is crucial.
Learning how to breathe...
Whoa, amazing!
It's not all caffeine-free, is it?
No, I'm not that selfish,
Come here.
Yuck. What did you...?
It's an herbal drink.
My mum says it helps balance the body.
I made some for Cecilie, too.
- You can't force her to drink it.
- I assume she'll do it voluntarily.
She seemed incredibly tense.
It's really not good for her baby.
- Our baby, right?
- What? Yes, sure.
Hello, Jan. May I? We've been
approached by a possible client.
A woman undergoing fertility treatment
who had her eggs swapped.
She is now pregnant with another
woman's baby and vice versa.
She wants to know if it's possible
to draw up a form of swapping contract.
That sounds far out. Good thing
you did it the old-fashioned way.
Yeah... It's not my area of expertise,
but as far as I can tell
nothing in the legislation deals
with this exact problem. Right?
- What about Mirabella?
- We're not discussing names.
- Isabella?
- Not yet, honey.
We need to get this contract done
to make sure we get our own child.
Unless she manages
to damage it before then.
She smokes.
She probably drinks, too.
Honey... I think you need to focus
on something very different.
A bit harder there. Higher up.
My thumbs are cramping!
Why don't you try the Body PMS stuff
Liv works with?
No way am I going
to that hocus pocus house.
- Can I help you?
- No, I'm just having a look.
We've really loosened up
some of that pent-up tension.
Drink plenty of water
and take it easy the rest of the day.
I will. It was a pleasure as always.
- See you Monday, Jacob.
- See you.
- What? Liv?
- What are you doing here?
- So this is Cecilie?
- Hello.
- Hello, little darling.
- This is my mum.
Okay... I was in the neighbourhood
and thought I'd see where you work.
That's so sweet of you.
I really appreciate that.
Oh yes, and if I may...
I have this for you as well.
- Thank you. What is it?
- It's our swapping contract.
Liv isn't even sure
if she wants to swap yet!
Maybe Liv and I
should keep this between ourselves.
But I'm the grandma, and
I've been waiting a long time for this.
- Mum, there's a customer.
- Yes, yes.
It's legally sound. I had it drawn up
for everyone's benefit.
Malte will probably
like the idea as well.
Perhaps, but I can't sign this
until I know it feels right for me.
- When will you know?
- When I know.
When you know.
How about this:
Give it a read. Then we can meet
when we're halfway there.
We'll have a cup of tea.
Then maybe you and your gut
will have reached the right decision.
I have a much better idea.
Ow! Does it have to be so rough?
I'm applying very little pressure,
but your body is on high alert. Breathe.
- That's very ticklish!
- Your body is defending itself.
- What is your body feeling now?
- Pass.
- Should it feel something?
- The body always feels something.
I know, I feel it too. What's your
relationship with your mother like?
Tough day?
- A hot dog with chili dressing.
- You got it. 5 euro.
Should you be eating all that processed
meat when you're pregnant?
Can I have a coke, too?
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
- Hello, Liv.
- Hello, Andreas.
- Hey. I was just...
- Thirsty?
Yes. I really don't drink a lot,
but my body wanted wine
and as long as it's sulphite-free,
one glass can't hurt.
- What are you knitting?
- Nursing pads.
May I sit down? Nursing pads?
- I thought those were disposable.
- It's better to re-use.
Look what I bought.
I think it's organic. Take a look...
- Isn't it adorable?
- Oh yes, it's so cute.
- I'm so excited about it.
- Me, too.
I'm sorry. Now my hormones
are just rushing through my body.
It's okay. Cecilie is excited, too.
She's just a bit...
- Tense?
- Yes. She's nervous.
She has always wanted a child.
We're not exactly young anymore.
She just wants it all to go well.
I can understand that.
I'm glad you told me.
I should be getting home. Please,
don't tell Cecilie about the dress.
I'm not supposed
to buy anything for the baby until...
- Of course. It was lovely to see you.
- You, too.
Oh, can I just...?
Hello, darling. It's Dad.
There's the lucky dad, eh?
- She has a cat.
- Who?
- Liv. That's a no-no.
- How come?
Litter boxes are full of germs!
It's dangerous for the foetus.
- She's so irresponsible.
- She's nice. I just ran into her.
- Oh? Where?
- Downtown.
Where downtown?
- At Caf Karma.
- What was she doing?
- Having a glass of wine.
- I knew it!
Don't say anything about the wine.
It was sulphite-free!
- Dinner's served.
- Malte dumpster-dived all of it.
- Is it organic, then?
- Yes, all of it. Almost.
It's not a good place to save.
Pesticides are poison for a foetus.
I think it's kicking.
How freaky that another man's
baby is hanging out in there.
- It's the most beautiful thing.
- This is crazy.
It's coursing through my whole body.
Can you feel it, Mum?
You're growing another person.
We women are magical.
That was a big one. It's crazy that
a small person is growing inside me
and causing me to feel that.
I'm so glad you're here, Mum.
It means so much to me
to share this experience with you.
So! We're halfway there.
Maybe we could all go out
and celebrate afterwards?
- Yes, then we can sign the contract.
- What contract?
- Oh... I thought Liv had told you.
- No...
We just thought it might be nice
to formalise this whole baby swap.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I needed to find out
how I feel about it.
Yes, but you need
to tell me things like that.
You're not back to wanting
to keep their child?
No. Yes. Maybe.
I'm not sure.
Well, I am 100% sure.
I want our child to look like me.
- No offence. It means a lot to me.
- Yes, I understand.
But what if their pregnancy goes wrong?
Why would something go wrong
with me? It might as well be you.
I'm not saying it will.
But you're just... a bit old.
That doesn't necessarily matter.
If you lose your child,
then I won't have one.
Let me just say something. I think
things will go great for both of you.
Of course they will.
I know it's not a perfect situation
but you're taking all of us hostage
just because you have some doubts.
Can we please sign that contract?
Yes, all right. Let's sign it.
- Okay. Thank you, honey.
- Yes!
- Thank you.
- Okay, we're doing it now?
- Okay, there...
- Yeah.
- All right. Thank you.
- Here you go.
- It's kicking again.
- Can I feel it?
- Oh, it's so crazy.
- "Again"?
Yes. Isn't yours doing it yet?
Wait, haven't you felt
any movement yet?
It might be because
the baby is feeling stressed.
- Cecilie and Andreas Sonne.
- That's us.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And hello.
- Your brought your family?
So, you plan to swap
your babies after they're born?
Yes, so we get our own child.
So you don't feel that the baby
in your belly is really yours?
We want our biological child.
Is that what matters? A lot of
adopted kids would be sad to hear that.
I agree completely.
No child is right or wrong.
- You love the child you have.
- Well, we've signed the contract.
I think you'll love the child
Cecilie gives birth to.
Well, it's your choice.
Let's make sure both babies are healthy.
- Would the father like to see?
- Of course.
- The other one.
- Oh, right...
Hello, hello.
It all looks good.
Would you like to know the sex?
- Yes.
- You're having a little girl.
No, wait. I'm sorry.
There's a tiny little penis here.
Everything looks good here.
We have a little arm and a tiny hand...
- And you're having a girl.
- A girl? You're sure?
Some believe girls can turn out
to be decent human beings.
Yes, but can you check again?
Maybe there's a tiny penis somewhere?
- You could consider not swapping.
- No, it's fine.
We're not so superficial
that we care about the sex.
- Everything looks good this time.
- That's great. Wonderful!
Then everything is just as it should be.
- 10 euro for a pint...
- Hello there.
It's the parents to-be.
Riesling, I assume?
Riesling? No, thank you.
We're just having tap water.
We're pregnant, so it would be
a bit irresponsible to drink alcohol.
- A sparkling water, please.
- A cappuccino.
What did he mean when he said
everything looks good this time?
I don't know.
I guess it's just something you say.
I thought it sounded like
you've been unlucky before.
Okay. Many times before?
It hasn't been an easy journey.
Why didn't you tell us before we signed?
What happened before?
It's not very pleasant to talk about,
so let's focus on the positive now.
But you can see why I might
feel very uncertain now, right?
I would like to withdraw my signature.
- Liv, come on...
- I do.
Is there something we can do
to make you feel less uncertain?
How about this. Liv, you're very...
- And I'm a bit more...
- Uptight?
What if I try to live more holistically?
- Would that make you feel better?
- Yes. How would you do that?
Write me a list that details
what I can and can't do and eat.
A list that puts me in charge?
Yes. As long as we stick
to the contract, you're in charge.
- Okay, that's a good idea.
- Then that's what we'll do.
- That's a good plan.
- I'll make one for you, too.
That's fair, isn't it?
- Are you almost ready?
- Just a moment.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I didn't know it had to be this long.
- Just put some more on there.
- I'm getting heartburn.
- Would you like some almonds?
- That would be nice.
"Clean the house twice a week."
We clean when it's needed.
- Why does it say it's a no-go to...
- To skin a hare. It's dangerous.
I would never do that.
I'm vegan.
You're vegan?
Well... My baby needs meat!
Then you should only eat vegan.
To maintain the balance.
- It could be fun to be a vegetarian.
- I can have meat again. Yes!
- "Home birth with no pain medicine"?
- The pain of childbirth is natural.
- Not when it's someone else's child.
- Relax. It's not like kidney stones.
You've had kidney stones, too?
They're the worst.
Hey! Are you two comparing your
little kidney stones with giving birth?
The natural home birth is out.
We're having our baby in the hospital.
Fine, Cecilie,
then I'll veto the cleaning.
- And I'm not getting rid of my cat.
- Cat poop bacteria is dangerous.
- Can't your mum take him?
- She's not allowed to keep pets
- Figure it out! Fix it!
- Why don't you just take him?
He would love scratching up
your designer furniture.
It might be fun with a practice baby.
Liv doesn't want to expose
her baby to cat poop bacteria.
I'd be okay with that.
- That's what we'll do.
- Fine, we'll take it.
- Fine.
- Yeah, great.
Come here, love. Oh, Houdini...
You're just going on holiday, okay?
My whole nervous system
is off balance now.
What if Cecilie's genes
are stressing me from the inside?
First I couldn't get pregnant,
now I can't even carry my own child.
Why is this happening to me?
What if we tried
to cheer your body up together?
I don't want to, Malte!
If you want to help, let's make
a list of all the allotment projects.
- I'm working as fast as I can.
- We need to be done in time.
I've got a lot to do before the baby
comes. A list for each of us seems fair.
We're equals, right?
Move over.
- What's going on?
- I'm so tired of this hippie baby.
I can't do this anymore.
It's making me ugly and huge.
Don't say that. You're beautiful
just the way you are.
- No.
- Yes, you are.
And now we know for sure
that we'll be getting our own child.
I have something that'll cheer you up.
I found Malte's app.
Look how cute it's going to be.
- Hey, honey.
- Hey.
Honey? Where are you?
Hey, gorgeous.
Come on...
- Cecilie, do you have a minute?
- Of course, Jan.
I was wondering...
What's that smell?
I'm sorry. I'm not using
perfume at the moment.
Some believe it's unhealthy
to do so when you're pregnant.
- Should Max take over your tasks?
- No. I'm not leaving for a while yet.
But can you stay focused
with that big belly?
Yes, it's not a problem at all.
We'll see how it goes.
For a bit longer.
You're right. There's a lot
I don't know about pregnancy.
- Hey! What about the list?
- Who's going to tell?
- The frying pan?
- You have to respect the rules.
- Happy now? Or did you want it?
- No, I'm showing solidarity.
Actually, the one who carries the child
determines the genetic composition.
So we deliver the keys for the piano
but Liv's body decides
how the melody should sound.
Honey, this is just the sort of thing
I don't need to know about.
Of course. I'm sorry.
We should get ready to go anyway.
Let's cancel. I'm nauseous.
We have to do some of the things
Liv wants to do.
But... we could also do
some of the things that I want to do.
Couldn't we?
Liv? Can't you take a break
while we're eating?
No. I need to finish
three more sets of bedding.
And my mum just sent
two new knitting patterns.
- Someone listed two free cupboards.
- Great. Can you reserve them?
- Yes.
- Then you can install them tomorrow.
I can't, it's Sunday.
I'm watching football with the boys.
I'm pregnant even on Sundays.
I need to pick 10,000 berries,
make baby food and bottle it.
Doesn't it just need milk at first?
Yes, but I need to pick berries in
summer if I want baby food for winter.
there's a lot men don't understand.
- Hello.
- Sorry we're late.
- Andreas had to take care of something.
- No problem. Come on in.
- Welcome.
- This place has a lot of potential.
- Okay. Would you like to go first?
- No, you should. This was your idea.
That looks a bit saucy, eh?
Or is it just me?
- Malte, should I do this alone?
- No, no.
- Hello, baby. This is your mum.
- Yes. And your dad.
Yes. We're really looking forward
to meeting you.
I promise to do everything I can
to be the best mum possible for you.
You'll have a very harmonious childhood.
We're filling up a whole allotment
house with nothing but love for you.
We hope you'll be as hot as your mum
and as good at football as your dad.
- Yes. And your name will be Gunilla.
- It definitely will not.
Yes. That's your grandma's middle name.
Liv, that sounds like an STD.
- Okay. Your turn.
- Oh. Right...
Give me a hand, honey.
Thank you.
- All right.
- Oh, it's gorgeous.
- Honey, would you like to start?
- Sure...
Okay, then...
Hello... baby.
- Should I just...?
- Just say what you feel.
Right... What I'm feeling...
I'm feeling a bit of heartburn.
That's probably what I feel.
Right. Andreas, would you like to...
You can take over if you like?
Yes. Hello. It's me, your dad.
Hello, baby.
I can promise you one thing. You'll be
well cared for when you come out.
You'll get the best room in the house.
20 square metres.
Great natural light.
Access to outdoor areas.
You'll be able to come and go
as you please. I mean, once you're...
I just want to tell you that I look
forward to getting to know you.
And it doesn't matter if you become
an astrophysicist or an ambassador.
Because... You're my little darling.
- Andreas, you'll be the best dad ever.
- Thank you. That's really sweet.
That was really good.
Can I help you?
What the hell are you doing?
Your ketchup
is going to expire in one week.
- Are you snooping?
- She's eating our roast beef.
- You're not eating meat, are you?
- Should we call it a day?
- Thank you for having us.
- May I use the bathroom?
This is a very authentic hallway.
Very patinated.
- All right, honey...
- These are not the pills from the list.
Did you smell my used underwear, too?
Take it easy.
Cecilie, I get all the vitamins I need.
- These don't contain vitamin D.
- It's summer. I get it from the sun.
- Folate?
- Dried bananas.
- Iron?
- You're making me eat meat.
Liv, I want us to stick
to the agreement and the lists.
Getting so worked up is not good
for the baby. Take a deep breath...
That wasn't very smart, honey.
How about we cut out
these babies now, then?!
Caesareans aren't ideal.
It's much better for the baby
to be covered in the mum's
vagina grease... or the vernix.
So the first thing my baby will see
is her greasy hippie vagina?
Calm down...
Tell me to calm down
and I'll break your face.
I thought we were going to a bar.
We'll have a quick look
while they're at the baby shower.
If you insist on contributing
to overconsumption.
Look at that.
I love unicorns.
Malte, is Liv also initiating a lot?
- In bed.
- You mean is she horny?
No. That would be an overstatement.
- Why? Is Cecilie?
- Yes.
- Okay. So you're doing it all the time?
- Yeah. She wants me all the time.
It's a bit awkward with
the big belly and all, but it's just...
Let me make sure I understand...
You're pumping your penis straight
into my baby's face every day?
No, my penis isn't nearly that long.
And the baby's bum is still facing down.
That's even worse!
Bloody hell, it's my little girl!
- But isn't it normal?
- Hell no!
It's the most grotesque threesome
in the world!
- Disgusting!
- I didn't think about it like that.
- So you'd like us to stop?
- Yes, please!
- Cecilie might be a bit upset.
- I don't care!
We don't fuck and you don't fuck.
- So just fingering?
- No! No fingering!
- I'm getting this one.
- I'm sorry I yelled.
You're here on a Saturday, too?
- Of course. Always.
- Right.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Hello, Liv.
Oh, you've brought your mum.
Of course! Grandma should be here.
This is quite the elaborate circus show
you've set up here, eh?
That looks beautiful, Mette-Line.
Oh yes. We've brought a cake, too.
Oh. What do we have here?
It's a vagina cake.
Looks like someone's missed you.
Hello, little love.
- This one is nice.
- Can I help you?
I'm looking for a pram. Do you have
the test winner from Stokke?
Yes, but let me show you another one.
This one from Bugaboo is very popular.
- Bugaboo?
- This little bag is nice.
Then you can bring some nappies
and snacks along.
What does your husband think?
Oh, you're not married?
No, his wife is just...
Pregnant with his baby.
- Maybe it's time to call it a day?
- No.
- I'm doing an all-nighter.
- Right.
- You're leaving after all?
- I'm babysitting my niece.
- That sounds nice. Enjoy your day.
- You too.
I need to...
- Welcome to Safe Start Clinic.
- I need to talk to...
You're on hold as number... 37.
Spotting during pregnancy is normal.
There's no need to worry.
- I didn't want a baby shower.
- Of course you did.
Mette-Line went through so much trouble.
- Come on.
- Yeah.
You'll be blindfolded and then
you have to guess the baby food.
- What's that?
- Peach.
One point! You're doing great!
- Something with peas?
- No. Boo!
No, thank you. I'll skip it.
- I just need to...
- Stay here. We need a picture.
Can you turn around?
Here we go.
Go, Cecilie! Go, Cecilie!
You'll need your looks back
at some point.
Start working out right after
the birth or everything will stay saggy.
- Here you go.
- Another one.
It's a swaddle.
It's the only way to avoid colic.
Yes, and it reduces the risk of SIDS.
- I read it increases the risk.
- No, Irene is right.
Of course I am.
And remember:
Don't feed the baby whole grapes.
- Or nuts for the first two years.
- Or cinnamon. Or honey.
- My turn. Here you go.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
- They're self-cleaning.
- What are those?
-Nursing pads. I made them myself
-It's the only way to do it.
- Cecilie won't be breast feeding.
- What?
Mastitis is very common.
My second cousin's friend
got sores and a fungal infection.
But... you should nurse if you can.
It's best for the baby.
- Formula is just as good.
- But you miss out on the intimacy.
Andreas will appreciate his wife
having firm breasts after giving birth.
I breastfed Liv until she was four.
My breasts are fine.
What if you give birth before me?
Won't you breastfeed my baby?
No! If she won't breastfeed her own,
why would she breastfeed yours?
It's a bit nasty to watch your child
munching on someone else's breasts.
- It's almost paedophilia.
- Nonsense!
If my milk could come in,
I'd love to offer a breast.
Oh God...
I need to use the bathroom.
This is Andreas Sonne.
Leave a message.
Are you okay?
I told them
I didn't want this baby shower.
They were inconsiderate, then.
You've been through enough.
I'm tired of people's opinions
about what I can and can't do.
I know what you mean.
It's really stressful.
But we're almost there, right?
Liv, I...
Is she kicking?
It's starting over here now, too.
It's the craziest sensation, right?
Don't you feel more connected to it
now that you can feel it's alive?
- Don't you?
- It was just a little kick.
- But Cecilie...
- I won't change my mind.
Can't we agree to keep seeing
each other after the babies are born?
- Maybe they'll be friends.
- They won't have much in common.
- What are you doing?
- The baby kicked.
Finally! Oh, how wonderful!
Imagine how wonderful it would feel
if it were actually your own!
Hey, honey. I was thinking we
should start working on the nursery.
- Let's decide on colours...
- Not now.
Could you...?
- So?
- Honey? I'm not really in the mood.
- Aren't you attracted to me anymore?
- Yes.
Do you realise how hard it is
to be so damn horny all the time?
- What happened?
- I think my water broke.
- But it's much too early.
- Yes.
Good morning.
Good morning, Ulla.
- Good morning, love.
- Good morning.
- Weren't we taking a day off?
- Yes, but...
Can't you go to the allotment?
You need to work on the deck.
Oh yes, how is that deck coming along?
It's coming along fine. Thanks, Ulla.
- See you.
- See you...
- Is something wrong?
- I don't know if I want to swap.
It feels like Cecilie
gets to decide everything.
I wish I hadn't signed that contract.
- Yes, that was silly.
- Well, I did it for Malte.
I wish I could be allowed to choose
which baby feels most like mine
once they're born.
You deserve that.
We'll figure out a solution together.
You and me. All right?
- This is Liv.
- My water broke!
- What's up, Cecilie?
- It's too early!
Let's have a look at it.
Aren't you missing a dad?
- Yes, but grandma is here.
- Jakob, will you take a look?
What's your assessment?
Are we in the latent phase?
- No, it's a false alarm.
- Her water broke.
It's not water.
Have you had issues with incontinence?
You've wet yourself.
- Take it easy going forward.
- I feel fine.
Just take care of yourself.
You want to have a baby to swap, right?
Honey? Honey!
Andreas, I can't...
There's no heartbeat.
I can't...
Honey, the battery died.
Hey! The baby is fine, okay?
Come back to bed.
There. Everything is okay.
We're doing rebozo exercises soon.
You can start revising.
It's not working. Take it back.
You're such a wriggly little rascal.
Aren't you done in there yet?
Now I have a cramp!
- Would you like my pine ointment?
- No, thank you.
- It's important to listen to your body.
- I'm listening.
It's saying it feels great.
It's wonderful to be pregnant!
- It looks like you're struggling a bit.
- Yes, it does.
Well, I'm not. I'm completely relaxed.
Everyone tells me I'm glowing.
Okay. I actually also think
it's wonderful to be pregnant.
Especially since I haven't
gained any weight.
Well, you were on the larger side
to begin with.
Now it's the other way around.
- I have no stretch marks!
- I haven't been sick at all.
- My hair is so thick!
- I'm happy all the time.
This little angel is getting
more attached to me every day.
Everyone tells me that I'm glowing!
I'm glowing!
You just said that!
You can't say it again!
Hey, all this yelling
isn't good for the babies.
- Wow, she's so uptight.
- What the hell is her problem?
Hey, honey!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- The deck is finished. Want to see it?
- I have too many things I need to do.
Ow, ow...
It's lucky
that I took care of this, then.
- You're so sweet.
- Unwrap it.
- These are flat.
- Yes. They're supposed to be the best.
No, the round ones are best. Everyone
knows that. They aren't even organic.
Organic? But...
- Would you like one?
- No, thanks.
Anders, take one of these.
I know you're busy.
- Charlotte?
- Sorry, I don't have time.
- Hey! I have strawberries, too.
- Hello, Cecilie.
- How exciting.
- Did you get my e-mail?
- Yes.
- Good. All the documents are filed.
- I've got it under control.
- Just enjoy your mummy holiday.
- Thank you. Would you like one?
- No, thanks.
- Max, do you have a minute?
- Yes. Enjoy your holiday.
Everything looks good.
The baby is being
a bit of an arse over here.
He is breach.
How do you feel about a caesarean?
I don't want a caesarean. I want
a natural birth like a primal woman.
But if a caesarean is necessary...
You are not taking this
experience away from me.
- A breech delivery is possible.
- No!
You are not endangering my child's life
for some stone age fantasy!
There's another option.
We can try to turn him over.
Okay, Liv. Let's try.
Say the word if it's too much.
Let's lift the baby off the pelvis.
Hanne, I need a hand here.
- If something happens to my baby...
- They have it under control.
- This might hurt. Are you okay?
- Yes.
I'll take it from here.
Come on. Yes!
The head is down, Liv!
We've turned him over.
- It worked!
- Well done. You were amazing.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- Now you can have a natural birth.
- Thank you.
Are you okay? You want to sit up?
She got her way again. Typical.
That's enough!
My whole pregnancy has revolved
around your insane Nazi rules!
The only insanity is all
your alternative hocus pocus.
Fuck you! You're the least
harmonic person I have ever met.
I don't want a child that you made.
I'll keep this one.
You can't. We've signed a contract.
In this country you have a legal right
to the child you give birth to.
You have no say in this!
My mum's friend's daughter is a lawyer,
too. She specialises in family law.
She's been through the whole thing.
I'm keeping this child if I want to!
What the hell is happening? Liv!
- Isn't the contract legally binding?
- Yes... No.
- Are you lying?
- She just ran off with our baby!
I actually empathise with her.
You're pushing everyone away.
You've pushed me away. I've done
everything to make you comfortable.
But you have no consideration
for others. It's all about you!
Congratulations. You've taken away
all the joy of our pregnancy!
Liv. Liv! Hey!
- You're really breaking the contract?
- Yes.
- She doesn't get to be in charge.
- Doesn't my opinion matter?
It's important to me that our child
will be a combination of you and me.
I have no relationship with that child.
You can't make this decision alone.
- I'm the one who's pregnant!
- Yes, you've made that clear.
- You're not letting me be a part of it.
- You can't do anything right!
Are you even interested in this?
My mum is more dedicated than you are.
You and your mum! You didn't even
bother to tell me about the contract!
She's all over the place!
There isn't room for me.
So now I should feel sorry for you?
This is so typical of men.
You know what?
I'm going to the allotment.
I can assemble
your 5,000 plant boxes, right?
You can think about whether
you even want your child to have a dad.
So we risk getting
an ergonomic hippie baby?
- This is insane!
- This can't happen.
- Hi, Auntie!
- Hey, Jose!
Be careful, Josefine!
Don't bump into your aunt's belly.
There's actually a baby in there.
It's all right.
I told her to be more careful.
- She's impossible to put to sleep.
- Aw...
Mummy! Mummy!
You can't keep running
back and forth like that.
You can't give in.
They just want attention.
I certainly didn't give in to you two.
Mummy, can you please come in here?
- What's wrong, darling?
- What if the baby died?
- Why would it have died?
- Because I hugged your belly so hard.
Darling, it's all right. The baby
just had a bit of a roller coaster ride.
- Are you sure?
- Yes. I'm sure.
Wait here a minute.
Okay. Put this in your ear.
- Is that the baby?
- Yes. It's crazy, isn't it?
Auntie, may I hold the baby when it
gets here? I promise to be careful.
Yes, you may. Of course.
- I'm really excited about it.
- You know what? Me, too.
I'm really excited, too.
- She's not prepared for the baby.
- Is the house even child proof?
- They haven't secured the stairs yet.
- It could end in disaster!
Even small children get hurt.
They get burnt, drown, fall down stairs.
- I've told her. She doesn't listen.
- She doesn't listen to me either.
No! Fucking...!
Oh, you're home.
I've just found this amazing fabric.
It's perfect for a onesie.
- Sweetie, this place needs cleaning.
- Mum, I don't have the energy...
What is it? Hormones?
Or is it Malte?
Don't put up with anything, okay?
Stop criticising Malte! He's my partner,
and he'll be a great dad.
You do it because you love me, but
you need to stop meddling in everything.
I don't want to stress about being a
perfect mum before I've even started.
Malte and I will do this our way,
and it'll just have to work out, okay?
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Hello?
- Hey.
I just wanted to drop off some paint.
No point in wasting it.
Thanks. I think that contains
too many chemicals for Liv.
She's probably already mixed her own
shit brown herbal paint. But thanks.
Is your woman
in charge of everything, too?
This is Andreas Sonne.
Leave a message.
Hey, honey. I'm really sorry.
Where are you?
Can you give me a call?
Come on...
It's just elderflower juice,
so the pregnancy police can lay off.
May I?
- May we have two glasses of Riesling?
- You bet.
- Small glasses, please.
- Of course.
Before we did fertility treatment,
I got pregnant.
The natural way.
Andreas was over the moon.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
But then I miscarried.
The doctors said it was normal
and that we should just try again.
Then I miscarried again...
and again and again.
The last time I made it halfway.
After that I couldn't get pregnant.
No one could tell me what was wrong.
But, I mean... You're right.
I'm a bit old.
And I should have started sooner.
You couldn't have known ahead of time
that it would be so difficult.
Sometimes I think that maybe
I just don't deserve to be a mum.
Of course you deserve it.
I mean...
Maybe you just needed some help
from my fresh, young,
hocus pocus uterus.
You might become a much better mum
precisely because you're older.
My mum was 22 when she had me.
She never knew what she was doing.
What about your dad?
I've never really known him.
He left when I was two.
She's never been
very good at relationships.
I didn't think I was either.
But now you have Malte.
Yes... I hope so anyway.
I've lost myself in this chaos.
I almost can't stand to be in my body.
Want to swap?
I'm tired of being
such a hysterical...
- Bitch?
- Should we really call it that?
Some might.
No, you're not a bitch.
You're just behaving like one.
I think I've just been scared.
No one understands how hard this is.
My sister has probably had sex twice,
and she got two children out of it.
I've been through a fertility treatment
from hell and a fucked up pregnancy.
- I just feel so...
- Cheated.
Yes, cheated. And alone.
Andreas is wonderful.
And he does what he can, but...
You probably can't understand
unless you've tried it.
- Oh. I think my water broke.
- Now?
Is it Cecilie's or your fault
you can't do it naturally?
It's not anyone's fault.
Is that how you see it?
I don't know.
I've just always felt
like a failure in all of this.
I've always thought I could do anything.
But I couldn't even get my girlfriend
pregnant. What am I good for, then?
It's not fair for Liv to exclude you.
She's not the only one who's pregnant.
- You both are.
- You're still on your own on that one.
- This is really good.
- Yeah. It's a regular Tuborg.
You're only dilated five cm and we have
three acute cases. I'll be back later.
You're leaving?
- Where is Andreas?
- He's not answering his phone.
- What is your body feeling right now?
- It's feeling...
Like it's about to take a huge shit!
Do you hear a wailing note, too?
- No.
- Listen...
- Malte!
- Aren't you just drunk?
Malte! Malte!
Malte, don't you answer your phone?
She's in labour!
- She's in labour?
- Come on!
But... which one?
Which one is in labour?
Yes. Oh, that's it.
No, I don't want that!
No, take it off.
I feel a contraction coming.
Okay, come on. That's good.
Okay. Breathe in.
And... breathe out.
How are we doing here?
I'll get some laughing gas for the pain.
I want an epidural!
- Let's start with the laughing gas.
- Breathe. Three, four, five...
- Look up.
- Stop it! Yuck!
- If feels nice.
- Help her take a big breath of this.
- You're doing great. I'll be back.
- You're leaving? I don't want that!
It's good. Relax.
Look, I'm taking some.
That's really nice.
- We're taking my car.
- You're not coming.
Of course I am.
Liv needs her mum.
Liv needs her partner.
Come on. Get in.
- In that?
- Yes, come on.
Ulla, I promise I'll call you
as soon as you're a grandma, okay?
Let's go! It's happening!
We're going to be a dad!
I can't believe I wet myself.
I can't believe I ate half a pig!
- I can't believe I did, too, in secret!
- No way!
You didn't...
You know who you look like
during contractions? Your mum!
You're so mean.
You're so annoyingly perfect!
Do perfect people get
gigantic haemorrhoids?
- Why did no one tell us about that?
- Because then no one would do this.
There's a head down there.
- I need a grownup now!
- Calm down.
Your body is made to give birth.
You're a warrior. A primal woman!
Yes, I'm a ninja, and...
Ow, there's so much pressure!
- Hurry.
- We're here.
Push. The head is almost out.
One more contraction.
Well done.
There you go.
Great job. Breathe, breathe...
All right...
And there we go.
You did it. Congratulations.
It's a little girl. I'll get her ready.
Is it in here?
Honey, wow...
You're amazing.
- Here you go.
- Hey, darling.
There you are, my little love.
I'm your mum.
Are you sure?
That's your dad.
The best dad in the world.
- Incredible needlework.
- Thank you.
Hello, darling. Hello.
Hey, gorgeous.
- Hello, Gunilla.
- Seriously?
I think we'll go with something else.
How about...
We may as well go all in
and embrace the chaos.
Have you discussed
what to do about feeding?
I think we'll go all in.
Okay, darling. Here we go.
- Come here...
- Try letting her root on her own.
Come on. There...
We'll be coming to the allotment
to make sure you take good care of her.
We'd love that.
Sille could use a bonus mum.
- You can be her god mother.
- She's not getting baptised.
- Of course she is.
- Yes. My whole family is baptised.
- My son is not getting baptised.
- I agree with Andreas.
- We don't believe in God.
- It's just a ritual.
You can't force a religion on a child.
I don't see it as a religious ritual...
Come to the table.
Let's have some cake.
- High five.
- Cake is served.
Oh, cake!
Oh, no...
There, there, darling!
Is that for me?
Thank you.
Very nice...
How about some whipped cream?
ID number 061290.
Cecilie was the nice one, right?
If you like hysterical women, then yes.
120680... Should we check this again?
It's too late now. We'll assume they
love the children they ended up with.