Cabin Boy (1994) Movie Script
1
[ Birds Chirping ]
[ Choir ] So are we
now where Christ has led
A-a-a-alleluia
Following our exalted head
A-a-a-alleluia
Made like him
Like him we rise
A-a-a-alleluia
[ Very High Voice ] Ours
across the great blue sky
A-a-a-alleluia
A-a-a
[ Singing In Wrong
Key ] Amen
[ Man ] Nathanial.
- This arrived for you this morning.
- Thank you, Headmaster.
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...
[ Gasps ]
Oh! What sweet news!
Ah! My dear daddy has arranged
for my immediate departure...
from Stephenwood,
tomorrow, after graduation.
And he's booked me first-class
passage on the Queen Catherine.
Of course. Heaven forbid...
that you should experience
even the slightest discomfort.
Yes. Yes. Good point.
- As I'm sure you're well aware, Reichmaster
Timmons, [ Clicks Heels Together ]
I'm to take over the family-run hotel
chain in beautiful sun-drenched Hawaii.
I'm sure that's almost as exciting as being
a frustrated, shabbily-dressed headmaster.
- Yes? Hmm?
- Young Nathanial.
The faculty and myself have made
endless attempts to teach you to curb...
your condescensions
towards others.
As a fancy lad, respecting those around
you is both your duty and your obligation.
I'm sorry, sir. I was just pondering what
drifter's corpse you stole those shoes from.
- [ Giggling ]
- My God!
You are a hateful
creature, aren't you?
Come on, it was just a joke.
[ Chuckling ] Mmm. [ Kissing ]
The origin of the bowler...
can be traced back...
- to the turn of the century.
- [Yawning Loudly ]
The simplest and most
popular way to tip... a hat...
is the Chatman Street method.
- [ Muffled Chuckle ]
- It is performed thusly.
[ Boisterous Laughter ]
Nathanial! You may
sit down, Lawrence.
It is unfair to ask you to continue in
the presence of this cackling baboon!
[Very, High Voice ] Somebody's
daddy's missing a leg!
Nathanial,
since you seem so anxious to interrupt
the proceedings with your infantile babble,
kindly step forward and
give us your presentation.
It would my pleasure, my
dear underpaid professor.
Excuse me. [ Clears Throat ]
Well this, my silly, dim-witted
looking classmates,
is a 14th century
Norwegian evening derby.
Very few of these exist today, and those that
do reside in museums or in the possession...
of extraordinarily rich young men who
happen to have rather large penises.
Well... good-bye, Nathanial.
You are now
officially a fancy lad.
And it is my sincere hope that you will bring
dignity and humility to that high honor.
Good luck. And do tell your
father I send my regards.
Oh, sure. In fact, I think I have the
picture of his backside in my wallet...
if you care to
kiss it right here.
Nathanial, whatever
shall become of you?
Don't worry, about me, Timmons. My life
shall never be anything less than perfect.
- [ Car Starting ]
- Hey! Here you go, Chubby.
- Go buy yourself a spritzer.
- [ Coin Bounces On Ground ]
Okay, come on. Let's get this thing moving!
Oh, and thank you for opening the door for me.
Oh, that was so nice, you moron!
Good riddance, you horrible,
dreadful, nasty little bastard.
[ Nathanial ] You're driving
too fast. Slow it down!
- Not that slow, imbecile. Speed up!
- [ Brakes Screeching ]
Why on earth have you stopped this
wretched vehicle? What do you think...
- Get the hell outta here, you fresh-mouthed little freak.
- Hey! Hey!
What do you think
you're doing? [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
I merely suggested that you have the driving
ability of a brain-dead laboratory, ape.
- Welcome to the real world, kid.
- Well, fiine.
I'll just get right back in. I don't know
what you... Hey! Come back here, you!
Hey! Hey! You can't
take my luggage!
I'll have you incarcerated.
Dear Lord,
I'm about to embark
on a brisk walk,
the first bit of exercise in
my young privileged life.
I pray, do not allow
me to break a sweat.
Okay. Here I go.
Yup. One, two, I'm walking.
[ Gasping, Screaming,
Whimpering ]
[ Panting ]
[ Hysterical Screaming ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Panting ]
[ Gasps ] The
Golden Mist Seaport.
Oh, thank you.
Thank... [ Kissing ]
Whoa-ho-ho. My luxurious suite
on the Queen Catherine awaits me.
I'll be with you uno
momento, my friend. [ Laughs ]
[ Mooing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, yes. Oh, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, finally. Okay. [
Panting Continues ]
Watch it. Watch...
Would you... Lady! Eeew, yuck.
Eeew! Oooh! Eeew. Eeew!
[ Gagging ]
- [ Man Chuckling ]
- Pardon me...
Get off me.
Oh, geez. Where are you...
- Stop it! Stop.
- [ Chickens Cackling ]
I've had it with you
bunch of stinkos in here.
You, you, old man.
Look, I am in desperate
need of assistance.
Well, well, well, what's
on your mind, little girl?
I realize that you are most likely
the product of lower class inbreeding.
- But perhaps you could help me.
- Oh, gosh, I certainly hope so.
I have been wandering
this dreary, village...
in hopes of finding
the Queen Catherine.
- You wouldn't have any idea where she might be docked?
- Ah, you know what you are?
You're one of those
little fancy lads, aren't ya?
[ Chuckling ] Boy, you're cute.
Gosh, what a sweet little outfit.
Is it your little spring
outfit? [ Chuckles ]
You couldn't be cuter.
You're so adorable. Oh, my.
You know, you remind me
of my niece Sally. Lovely girl.
She's a dietitian. Hey.
- Would you like to buy a monkey?
- I don't wanna buy a monkey.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm on my way. Your family must be very, proud of you.
We'll see ya, honey. Hey, wait
a minute. Jennifer, come here.
What?
I can show you to
that ship of yours.
- You will?
- Right down this road.
- Right there.
- Marvelous. I should hurry...
because they're gonna start the banquet
soon and I must tell you, I am famished.
Well, why wouldn't ya be? Big girls have
big appetites, don't they? [ Chuckles ]
Listen, do yourself a favor. Don't let 'em
give you any of that flank steak bullshit.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Try, the London Broil. Yeah.
- That's a good tip. I shall do it.
- Sure, pamper yourself.
- Oh, I will.
- Oh, my. Okay.
Well, I must tell you, for a
yellow-eyed, gamey-smelling lowlife,
- you really have quite a decent heart about you.
- Well, thanks.
I'm not gonna touch you, shake your hand
or get near you because you're all of that.
- But I am gonna be on my way.
- Good for you.
- Off I go.
- Hey listen, have a good trip Suzy. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Think about me, all right? [ Chuckling ]
[ Chuckling Continues]
Oh, man, oh, man,
do I hate them fancy lads.
Uh, hey, um... I'm looking
for the steward of the Q.C.
Uh... I'm watching the boat till
everyone gets back from lunch.
Oh! Then departure was
delayed on my behalf. Very, good.
Uh, here's my boarding pass.
Please take me to the ship's finest quarters
'cause I wish to draw a hot bath. What a day.
I ain't supposed to let
nobody on the boat 'cause...
Leo, no, no, no.
I know, I look too disheveled to board, but
I assure you, the captain will understand.
- Wow. You know the captain?
- I should say so. He owes his entire career to my daddy.
- Can we?
- Okay, since you know him and all.
Okay, fine. [ Grunts ] Boy! Boy!
[Whimpering ]
Hey... What the...
Well, is this the tug that's supposed
to take us out to the Queen Catherine?
- It's a boat.
- The... Uh...
Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, I see.
This is the Queen Catherine.
It's one of those theme ships, isn't
it? Yes, I've read about these things.
Where we passengers pretend we're common
type and slum it up a bit. [ Chuckles ]
Deliciously chic. [ Giggles ]
[ Boy ] Step, step, step.
- Step, step.
- Yes, I know they're steps. I've seen steps before.
[ Giddy Laughter ]
Marvelous! Oh!
The best bunk we got is the captain's. But
I don't think he'd mind, since you know him.
[ Giddy Laughter Continues ]
Oh, my, they sure do have
an eye for detail, don't they?
Awards all around. [ Chuckling ]
You sure got things
figured out, don't ya?
I was never real good at figurin' stuff
out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp.
Here's how a harem girl dances.
[ Moaning ]
[ Grunting ]
Okay, well, thank you
for that, whatever that was.
And now, enough of your silly gibberish. Go
fetch me a cup of bouillon before I retire.
- Yes? Good boy. Off you go.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
Bowl-yun.
Bowl-yawn.
Maybe it's just a
fancy word for chum.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunts ]
Eeew. Eeew.
- [ Sobbing ]
- Pipe down, you imbecile. My head is throbbing as it is.
Sorry. For a second, I thought
you were my granny. She's dead.
- Right.
- Well, here's your bouillon.
Thank you very, much. Now, will you please
make sure that I'm not disturbed till 'morrow.
- Okay. Bye, lady.
- Fine.
Oh, my.
[ Sniffs ] Oh.
Mmm. A bit spicy.
Quite robust.
[ Chuckling ]
Your friend's here. He's
all tucked in for the night.
Whatever you say, Einstein.
We figured you were hungry, so we
bought you a stick of gum. [ Laughing ]
Don't chew it all in one place,
shit-for-brains. [ Laughing ]
[ Laughs ]
Gum.
[ Man ] All right, listen up! We're
gonna sail outta here tonight...
and keep running straight
on through till mornin'.
We'll drop our
nets at daybreak...
and catch them scaley
bastards while they're still groggy!
[ Men Cheering ]
[ "Beautiful Dreamer" ]
[ Man Hacking ]
[ Hacking Continues ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Bottle Shattering ]
So, Skunk, what do you think?
We got enough ocean behind us?
Yeah, yeah. No
trouble for us tonight.
- I think I'll turn in. Keep it steady, whatever works for you.
- Okeydokey.
[ Hacking, Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
- [ Hacking, Grunting Continue ]
- [ Bottles Breaking ]
Uh!
[ Mumbling ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Growling ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Captain Snoring ]
- Hi. How ya doin'?
- Very well. Thank you.
[ Both Screaming ]
- [Whimpers ]
- Don't this beat all, boys?
We got us a
half-crazed boat-hopper.
Now, see here. I don't know
what kind of nonsense you're...
[ Gasps ] trying to pull here,
but it's painfully obvious...
[ Laughing ] Oh, I see.
This is all part of the
theme, right? Sure.
And you're just stage actors pretending
to be filthy drunkards. [ Laughing ]
Bravo. Bravo, everyone.
Long live the theater.
- Am I missing something here?
- Holy shit in a handbasket. This moron got on the wrong boat.
Now, wait a second.
Are you... What...
Are you meaning to imply
this is not the Queen Catherine?
Uh-uh.
And you're not its well-trained crew
here to cater to my every whim?
Nope.
- Kid, we're just here to catch fish and stink.
- Mostly the latter.
[Very, High Voice ]
Whoo! Oooh! Okay.
Okay, um... All right, look.
Obviously there's been a little mix-up here
and I seem to have boarded the wrong vessel.
Okay. I apologize, but there's
a happy ending to all this.
You just point this thing towards
Hawaii and drop me off there. Great.
End of controversy.
Now, let's go enjoy some tea
and honey-dipped willy pumps, shall we?
Gimme the go-ahead,
Cap, and I'll kill him.
- I knew I shouldn't have had that last bottle of rotgut.
- Gentlemen, no, no, no.
Don't walk away from me. Come
back. No, no, no. Don't make me run.
Come on. You too.
Come, come, come.
It's painfully obvious to me that you
have no idea who you're dealing with here.
- You see, I... am a fancy lad.
- [ Men Chuckling ]
Fancy lad!
And if you continue to hinder
my arrival, I'll just have my daddy
put you all on trial and have you hanged.
Were you dropped on
your head as a toddler?
[ Captain Groaning ]
Listen up, you
doozy-lookin' deuce in shoes!
We're out here for the next three
months to catch us some fish!
So, unless you wanna end
up as bait, stay outta my face!
Aaah.
Don't you walk away from
me, you big talking walrus!
This issue is not negotiable.
- I hate this.
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Laughing ]
- My christening wig!
I've had it since infancy.
Well, you ain't got it
no more, peckerhead.
[ All Laughing ]
There, by the grace of God,
floats away my manhood.
Simply put, a five-pound box of chocolate
covered macadamia nuts is yours...
if you'll point this swill heap
towards Hawaii, comprende?
Sorry, I'll have to pass.
These stockings I'm wearing are made of pure
imported silk from the mountains of Bennenia.
- They're yours if you get me to Hawaii.
- Yeah?
These socks I'm wearin' are pure wool and
they've been on my feet for three straight weeks.
And if you don't blow, you're
gonna swallow them like an aspirin.
If my poor daddy doesn't hear from me
soon, there's no telling what he might do.
[ Crying ] I'm afraid he'll become
despondent and turn a pistol upon himself.
Hey, you wanna learn a
little fisherman's Greek?
- [ Chuckling ]
- Oh.
""Gadinga pachinga castinga."
That means ""I kissed a girl."
[ Laughing ]
"Patuka cachuka stabuka."
That means, "I felt up a girl's ass."
- [ Laughing ]
- All right. Fine.
"Katinka kawinka kalinka."
You know what that means.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Is there not one person on this
boat who's not monstrously insane?
Oooh, it's maddening. I'm at
my wit's end. I can't take it...
[ Chuckling ]
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Rattling ]
Hello?
I can't say as I blame
you, standing by yourself.
There's no such thing as pleasant
companionship on this tawdry vessel.
Sorry, but I ain't supposed to
talk to nobody while I'm on watch.
Captain Greybar says I got the
attention span of a circus monkey.
I don't think your Capt. Greybar is qualified
to cast aspersions on the character of others.
Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Pardon me, I seem to
have forgotten your name.
Kenny.
Kenneth, uh...
your captain has been under a great deal of
stress recently and he's in need of a holiday.
You mean like Halloween?
Yes. Like Halloween. Now...
Wouldn't you like to help your weary,
captain rest his rum-soaked bones?
Uh... yeah, I guess... if
you think he'd like that.
- What do I gotta do?
- It's magnificently simple.
Tonight, after they've
all fallen asleep,
change the course of the
boat and head it for Hawaii.
- You think you're capable of that?
- Sure.
I ain't too swift about other
stuff, but I know maps real good.
So, he'll be happy
about this, huh?
No, absolutely. In fact, I
overheard him telling somebody,
"My wouldn't it be jolly-jack splendid
to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii?"
Yup, that sounds like him.
You do good impressions.
Right. Okay, then fine. After they've all
fallen into their alcohol-induced slumbers,
we'll put our little
plan into action.
Now remember, this is
our little secret, yeah?
- [ Laughing ]
- Okay.
All right. You're... You're a
big happy one, aren't you?
[ Men Snoring ]
[ Snoring Continues ]
[ Nathanial ] Swine.
Filthy swine. Echh!
Okay. The pigs are all asleep.
Okay. Looks like all
we gotta do is shift her...
250,000 degrees... northeast...
and we'll be headed
straight for Hawaii.
- Okay, fine. Do it quickly now.
- Okay. Let's see here.
Okay, we're goin' to Hawaii.
Okay, great. Well,
good job, old boy.
And you know what?
When we reach the islands, I
may buy you a big red, shiny apple.
[ Panting ] Geez, thanks.
A human tree stump.
After a brief derailment, my
life is back on its proper course.
[ Exhales ] Fret not, Daddy. I
shall be with you in a saint's whisper.
Stupid. [ Sighs ]
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Microwave Bell Ringing ]
[ Thunderclap ]
What in the Savior's name...
What do you think you're doing?
This is no time for stunt sailing.
Stop this immediately.
- I'm trying.
- You're not trying hard enough. Aaah!
Get off me!
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Glass Breaking ]
What the... You doofus!
Everybody, get your asses
outside! Move, move, move!
Huh?
- Maybe I should drop anchor.
- Do you think that'll help?
- I don't know. I'm not very, bright, remember?
-Just do it!
Try, anything, will ya!
What am I supposed to...
Don't worry. It seems
a lot worse than it is.
- What?
- Ooo-aaah!
Whoo! Whoo!
Paddle your rump back
here and steer this boat!
Tell Capt. Greybar I
hope he enjoys Hawaii.
And remind him that we're
almost out of margarine.
Oh, come back! Oooh, you can't
do this to me! Come... Come back!
- Secure that boom!
- Aye-aye, Captain.
Ooo-hooo! Stop this! Aaah!
- Oooh!
- Grab the wheel!
- Okay, Skip!
- [ Screaming ]
Whoo-whoo-hoo!
- Shit!
- [ High-Pitched Screaming ]
I don't like this! [ Sobbing ]
Looks like Kenny
got us off course.
That don't sound like Kenny. He's dumb
but he don't take a leak before tellin' me.
Well, it's his scribbles. If this
thing's right, look where it's landin' us.
[ Captain ] Sweet
Jake, Hell's Bucket!
Kenny! Get your fat,
worthless ass over here!
- I ain't seen that little sow anywhere.
- Hey. What the hell is this!
[ Captain ] Aaaw!
Get over here, perfume boy!
Look at this.
Well, I merely suggested
to Kenneth that...
perhaps it would be fun if we
set the ship's course for Hawaii.
- Jesus Christ!
- [ Nathanial ] Why, why, why,
had I known he'd be blown overboard by a gust
of wind, I never would have suggested it.
Get outta my sight
before you join him!
- What, I...
- Aaah!
[ High-Pitched Screaming ]
[ Clouds Chuckling ]
If I'd have just listened to Mommy, I'd have
gone into the goddamned butcher business,
and I wouldn't be in this
predicament in the first place.
"Oh, no, Daddy, I
wants to be a sailor."
[ Mumbling ] Goddammit.
Fuck it. I'll never get out of here.
And the net's torn to pieces.
Goddammit, what am I supposed to
do now? Catch 'em with my hands?
We're in deep shit, Greybar.
What the hell are we gonna do?
What do you think?
Give me a clue, will ya?
Well, the engine's flooded,
the mizzenmast is down...
- and we got a crack in the mid-section that's drawing water.
- Wonderful!
Aaah! We got any options here, gentlemen?
The only thing to do as far as I can tell
is find a safe harbor and fix the boat.
As you know, there's only one island in Hell's
Bucket and I am not crazy about landing there.
Yeah, well, I ain't crazy about sittin' on a
boat till she sinks and we wind up flounder shit.
Yeah, those flounders
are bloodthirsty bastards.
Looks like we
ain't got a choice.
If we don't make it to that island,
we're all gonna end up on the bottom.
We stay in Hell's Bucket long
enough, that's the least of our worries.
There's bad mojo
all around here.
Instead of standing around philosophizin'
like a bunch of old washer women,
let's get to the goddamned island,
fix the boat and blow outta this hole!
And I say we dump that
jinx kid. He's a born Jonah.
Right! As soon as we get to the island,
[ Snaps Fingers ] he's history.
We'll send him out to pick berries
or somethin' and then haul ass.
Yeah, pick berries.
[Whimpering ]
- Please don't harm me. I'm meek as a kitten. Truly I am.
- Stop. Cease.
Listen here, boy. You got
us groin-deep in trouble...
and I am this close to turning
your powdered ass into chum.
I must take offense to that. I haven't
powdered my bottom since I was 17...
Cork it! From here on out,
since we're one hand short,
you're gonna do every, dirty, shitty,
snot-soaked job that needs doin' around here!
- Got it?
- Is there any good news?
[ Gasps ] The good news...
is that I may let you live.
And if you behave yourself,
we'll drop you off in Hawaii,
- Japan, wherever the hell you're goin'.
- Thank you, Captain.
- That's what I wanted to hear.
- Okay! First things first.
Get outta these sissy clothes and go put on
some of Kenny's duds. God rest his sweet soul.
And I want you to think of his fat, pimpled
ass every time you slip into his boots!
I just pray that those boots have adequate
arch support because I have problem feet...
Git! [ Groans ]
Yuck.
Okay. Here we go.
Be calm. Do it. Do it to it.
Oh! That's it. The head came off and what's
inside stinks and that's all I'm doing.
- I'm done.
- Hi.
Come on, you're doing very well.
- [ Groans ] Aaah, I hate you.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
- Aaah!
[ Deep Voice ] He did it.
There. Now here's something
your fancy ass can't screw up.
And don't quit until every,
square inch of this deck is clean...
as a church piss
house. [ Laughing ]
[ Men Laughing ]
Oddly enough, it kind of tastes
like marzipan. Huh, go figure.
Aaaw. Aaaw.
I'm sorry. Could you explain
this chore to me one more time?
It's a little something
we call "outward watch."
Here's how it works: We'll let out some
rope so you can drift along behind us.
All you gotta do is keep your eyes open for other
boats, cars, flying saucers, shit like that.
And exactly, how much rope are
you gonna let out, about ten feet or so?
Two miles worth.
That sounds a trifle peculiar
but I suppose you're the experts.
Hey, one more thing? Is it true
it's unsafe to drink seawater?
That's a new one to
me. It's water, ain't it?
We gave you a carton of
chocolate milk. What else you want?
All right, Geronimo. Let's
get your ass out there.
And in about a week, when your shift is over,
give this rope a tug and we'll haul you in.
Okay. Well, I'm off.
Not crazy about the idea.
- Send us a postcard, Daisy.
- Bon voyages. [ Laughing ]
Great idea, Skipper. Finally,
some peace and quiet.
[ Men Laughing ]
Boom-boom. Water, boom-boom.
Hot sun, water.
Boring. What's
another word for it?
Dullsville. It's Dullsville.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I hate it. I hate it.
[ Exhales, Panting ]
Oh, it's hot.
I'm burning up. There's
gotta be some lotion in here.
What's this? Cooking oil.
Maybe that's nature's moisturizer.
Ohhh, that should do it.
About a number 15
it feels like. Ooo-kay.
[ Searing ]
What are you doing here? He
didn't know... Boo! Boo! Bow!
[ Babbling ]
- Boo.
- [ Squeaking ]
It's lunchtime.
Yeah, it's lunchtime.
Let's get something
to eat. Come on.
Yeah, let's have our good
friend. We'll have our...
It's a pretty color.
[ Deep Voice ] But it don't
taste pretty. Uh-uh. Oooh.
I need something to drink fast.
Come on! Come on. Come on.
Aaa-aaah. Aaah.
[ Grunts ]
Thirsty.
Ahhh.
[ Searing Continues ]
[ Delirious Laughter ]
Good afternoon, madam.
Would you like to buy a donkey?
Donkeys are on sale today through Thursday
and be sure to visit our linen department...
for spectacular savings on stereophonic
pumpkins and glow-in-the-dark bowling balls.
- [Kenny] Hey, man, pull yourself together.
- Kenny!
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to
stop by and say,
"Hang in there. You're
doin' a hell of a job."
- Very, kind of you, Kenny.
- Well, keep up the good work.
Bonsoir. [ Chuckling ]
He's going down into the water.
Okay. Well, you know, most
people would think they were insane...
if they saw something like that, but luckily I
have an open mind about this sort of thing...
- [ Gasps ]
- Now, I know what you're thinkin'.
What could be stranger than a
big, fat-ass, floating cupcake?
Hey, how 'bout one
that spits tobacco?
[ Laughing ] See
ya around, buddy.
[ Chuckling ] That's a cute kid.
Okay, it's official. Nathanial
Mayweather has lost his mind.
I've got cabin fever or raft
fever. I've got some kind of fever.
Look, look, I can
fly. I'm a parakeet!
Somebody give me
a sunflower seed.
[ Ringing ]
Has it been a week already?
Actually it's been
nine days. Time flies.
We'll probably have to
shovel him off that raft.
Yeah. Maybe if we're
lucky, he'll die in a few hours.
[ Skunk ] This kid ain't real.
[ Nathanial ] I'm back, fellas.
Whooo! Hooo-oooh. Hi.
Thank you. [ Groaning ]
Oh, greeting, fellow
fishermen. Oooh-hoow.
I never thought I'd be so
happy to see you again...
and this stinking garbage scow.
Oh! Oh! Big Teddy, thank
you. A welcome home sandwich.
You sure got a lot of energy for
someone who's half-dead from exposure.
That's a very, good point. I would have
been dead had it not been for the sharkman.
- Sharkman?
- [ Giddy Laughter ]
Judging from his appearance, that's the most
appropriate name I could come up with for him.
Oh, I hate this kid.
This, uh, thing
you're talkin' about.
- Did it have the body of a shark and the arms and face of a man?
- That's the chap.
- Holy jumpin' jack fish. Chocki!
- Chocki!
- Who the hell is Chocki?
- Half-man, half-shark.
Legend has it, a Viking ship went
down in Hell's Bucket 500 years ago.
One of the Vikings was spared a grisly
death by a shark who fell in love with him.
Well, you know how it goes.
One thing led to another and...
The Viking knocked up the shark?
And they had one
offspring... Chocki.
Just when you think you've heard
everything about Hell's Bucket,
along comes another
nauseating legend.
[ Groaning ]
And the bad thing is Chocki's
kind of flighty by nature.
He can be friendly one minute,
and then hate you the next.
Now that he's taken a shine to the
kid here, he's probably following us,
- and that could be trouble.
- Well, why's he so flighty?
Who the hell knows. We're
talkin' about a half-man, half-shark.
There's gotta be some kind of a chromosomal
damage with a matchup like that.
Hey! Take a look at this.
Oh, Lord, spare me another
one of these insanities.
Sweet Henry. She's got more
whiskers than a laid-off circus clown.
Gee, they ought to rename
this place "Wackyville."
[ Giggling ] Ooh, 'cause it's wacky.
Ahhh.
Aaah. Oooh, I'll feel better
once we get outta these waters.
All this anxiety from being in a
strange and mysterious land...
- is giving me gas.
- Aw, Christ.
- Oh, geez.
- [ Thunderclap ]
Ah, purple lightning.
That's always a good sign.
- [ Boat Rattling ]
- [ Imitating Airplane Noises ]
Here they are.
Your fish stick kitties.
[ Chuckles ] My own
invention. Thank you very, much.
I thought mealtime could use a little
sprucing up around here. [ Chuckles ]
Paps, here's your kitty.
[ Meowing ] I'm
awful tasty, Paps...
Get out of my face, you
half-assed Edgar Bergen.
Here. Have some coffee.
[ Men Laughing ]
Paps, you're such a little card.
Now, where's that naughty
Captain? He knows it's suppertime.
[ Concertina ]
When I go ashore
and get my pay
I'll go and meet
my Essie May
She'll hike her skirt
and toss her shoe
She'll clean my
pipes, my buddies' too
Don't need a
church to find my way
'Cause I found heaven
with Essie May
[ Stops ]
[ Crying ] That was the most
beautiful thing I've ever heard.
It was like honey from
the lips of an angel.
[ Belches ]
- Bless you.
- Ahhh.
Oh, Cappy, tell
me about all of this.
Tell me about the sea.
What does it mean to you?
Basically, money. I come
from six generations of seamen.
All with the same goal in life: Catch
fish, sell 'em, get drunk and get laid.
- I don't thinkAristotle could've said it better.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah. You might say I dropped
outta my mama's womb with...
galoshes on my feet
and a fishing rod in my hand.
Ouch. That poor woman.
I don't know, Cappy.
I'm beginning to wonder if
it's really people like you who...
wander the world like
shaggy, unkempt beasts,
who really know
what's important in life.
- Okay, boy. I'm officially sick of you now. Take off.
- Are you quite sure?
Sometimes if we've had a little too much
to drink we tend to say the opposite...
Blow!
Okay. That'll do it for
me. I'll just move it on out.
[Yawning ]
[ Singing In French ]
[ Singing Stops ]
[ Thinking ] My Lord, she's the most
beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.
Every, instinct in my lower half tells me
the Holy Father has preordained our meeting.
Hello, miss!
Miss, excuse me?
Geez, just my luck.
I instantly fall in love for the first
time in my life and it's with a corpse.
Huh? What the...
- [ Grunts ]
- What the hell are you doing?
Thank heavens. There's still some life left in
her after all. Thank you, Lord. I owe you one.
Uh... here. Willkommen.
Aaah, geez.
You idiot! Do you
know what you just did?
- You just ruined my chance at setting a world's record.
- [ Deep Voice ] Say what?
I was swimming around the
world, Maryland to Maryland.
And I was halfway there
until you blew the whole thing!
No, you were just lying there
like a rat in a swimming pool...
I was sleeping! And by you yanking
me onto this floating Dumpster,
I violated one of the rules set forth
by the World's Record committee.
"At no time shall a swimmer's body
come in contact with anything solid."
Yeah, okay. But technically, I'm not solid.
My texture's much more like moist bread.
Shit. I knew it was bad luck
to swim through Hell's Bucket.
Oh, look, you have a hard piece of
seaweed stuck to you. Let me just pull it.
- Relax. [ Gasps ] My wig!
- Take your hands off me.
Faith has truly
brought us together.
- Just... stay the hell away from me.
- Oooh.
Attentionne, messieurs.
Please join me on the upper
deck. I have a little surprise for you.
Come on, fellas. Looky
what I fished out of the ocean.
That's one little cute fishy this
cabin boy done caught hisself.
Aw, not bad. I'd do it.
Where in the hell did
you come from, missy?
The last thing we need
is another straggler.
First of all, I was minding my own
business until your son yanked me up here.
And secondly, don't you call me missy again
unless you wanna lose the rest of your teeth.
Sassy little thing, ain't she?
Want me to give her a spanking?
- [ Men Laughing ]
- I'd like her to give me a spanking.
- How'd you like me to put my foot up your ass?
- [ Men Laughing ]
Come on, now. Gentlemen, please.
I know that salty sea talk is a big part of
being a fisherman, but Trina is our guest.
And until we take her to Maryland,
could we please curb the language?
Oh, so we're gonna drop her off in Maryland?
What the hell is this, a crosstown bus?
Je-sus! I never saw a man
p-whipped so fast in my life!
P-whipped. Now, I'm confused.
Isn't that French for pudding?
Hopeless. Absolutely, utterly goddamned
hopeless. I don't know why we keep trying.
Damn.
Now, he'll have some
company on that island.
- Yeah.
- Hmm?
Paps, I think you can go ahead and
run downstairs and play now if you like.
[ Growls ]
So, things are settling
down... which is good.
A quiet time. Sssh.
[ "The Alley Cat Song" ]
[ Captain ] Do-si-do.
Now, heel and toe.
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Chuckles ] Aaah.
- [ Grunting ]
- [ Laughing ]
Yowza! [ Laughing ]
What a bunch of lunkheads.
Trina! Oh.
Oh, Trina, I'm so glad you decided
to join us. I was just putting on...
- a show for the fellas.
- So this is what you guys do for fun?
- Yeah. [ Laughing ]
- Humiliate an imbecile?
Sure he's clumsy and he's
stupid and he's a screwup,
but you don't have to
treat him like an animal.
You know what, Trina, it's funny
you should mention screwups,
because an hour ago, I made the mistake of
using your swimming diary to light the stove.
- [ Men Laughing ]
- I've been keeping that diary, for 15 years, you ape!
- Dance, boy, dance!
- [ Resumes ]
All right. Hold him tonight.
Just one bear cub to you.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Banging On Ship ]
- What the hell's that?
- [ Banging ]
I'm afraid to say it.
Chocki. He must of sensed we were kind of
debasing the kid a little bit. Now, he's pissed.
If he opens up that hole any wider, we're
all gonna be bunkin' on the bottom tonight.
We gotta throw
that kid overboard.
Wait a second. Maybe
there's a way out of this.
Let her rip.
[ Splashing ]
There goes your little
buddy Nathanial, Chocki!
Go play with him. Play nice.
He fell for it! Oh, Skunk,
Skunk, you're a genius!
For the ten millionth
time, don't kiss me!
Why must we always hide
our emotions, Mr. Macho Man?
[ Groaning ]
- Gimme three.
- Three? Very, interesting.
- Paps?
- Six.
Six?
Ohhh. It's relaxing up here.
Staring off into the night sky.
Those sparkly, twinkly things.
I forget their technical name.
- Stars.
- Whatever.
Thinking about the
future. What it might bring.
Actually, I was thinking I'd kill for a
cheesesteak and a bottle of scotch.
[ Laughs ] Oh, Trina. I don't know
why or how this is happening to me, but...
I am developing deep,
deep feelings for you...
- despite the fact that you have the breeding of a carnival barker.
- Lovely.
I must also tell you that these feelings
are not just of the zipper variety.
- That's a relief.
- [ Flicking Ashes ]
Listen, Nathanial,
I've been working in steel
mills since I was nine years old,
ever since I ran away
from the honor farm.
I'm a drifter and
a loner at heart.
Between forging
girders and swimming,
I don't have a lot of
time for relationships.
Understand?
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking how
much fun it is to roast pumpkin seeds.
Did I mention I have an
incredible crush on you?
That's wonderful. I'm flattered when
a psychotic becomes smitten with me.
No problem. But, ah, not another
peep, zip, boop. You need your rest.
We'll continue this tomorrow. Besides, you're
wearing me out with your incessant babbling.
It's in my ear all night.
Yadda-babba-babba-babba.
Well, it was nice almost
communicating with you.
Kiddo, you are "A" number one in my
book, you know that? You are top dollar.
You know, I honestly think we're onto
something here. Hey, nice shoes. Those...
[ Groans ]
- Bet one.
- See ya.
- I'm in.
- Paps?
- Six.
- Six.
[Teeth Chattering ]
Oh, this makes a lot of sense.
We go to bed a few hours ago, it's 80
degrees. Now we're freezin' our tails off.
Hell's Bucket. No
rhyme or reason to it.
That observation's
gettin' a little old.
Oh, Christ! Take a look.
[ Paps ] Azure Peak!
[ Nathanial ] Brr! Uh, could
somebody please turn up the heat?
I told the man a thousand times not to
open the window in the nanny's room.
- Arf, arf, arf!
- [Yelping ]
[ Giggling ] Good morning, Paps.
Ooh, my, isn't this
weather Christmassy?
Hey, let's make snow
angels. Come on, come!
Well, what're we going to do, Captain? We
can't just sit here and freeze to death.
No shit! Okay, moron,
you go stand in the bow and let us
know when we're coming' close to ice.
Skunk, Ted, you guys stand
watch port and starboard.
Me and Paps will steer through
as best we can. Hey, woman!
Shake your butt outta bed,
Thumbelina, we got a lot of work to do!
Oh, Jesus. Where
the hell are we?
You just stay up there and keep them mascara
caked eyes of yours peeled for icebergs.
- Can ya handle that?
- Kiss my ass!
Believe I'll pass on that
one, thank you very, much.
[Thudding ]
Okay, you hit one.
Damn it, tell us before
we hit the bloody thing.
[ Chuckling ] Oh,
now I get it! Sorry, !
This little system's
workin' out great.
I don't know exactly what this means,
but a giant iceberg just winked at me.
Not a promising development.
Whoa, mama.
I don't know how to break it to you guys,
but you're about to make a new friend.
What's she lippin'
off about now?
[ Ship Creaking ]
[ Screaming ]
A walkin' Popsicle!
Sir, it is very, bad manners to pay
a visit without a formal invitation.
[ Monster Roaring ]
I'm sorry, I didn't catch
that. I have a trick ear.
[ Roaring ]
- [ Paps Groaning ]
- Quick, grab something to whack him with!
- What good'll that do?
- How should I know?
In a situation like this, you
make up shit as you go along!
Now sic him! Come
on, sic him! [ Grunting ]
[ Roaring ]
Come on, Skunk! Poke
his eye out or somethin'.
I, I gotta make a phone call!
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting ]
What the hell ya doin'?
I think it's obvious. I'm
trying to give him foot pain.
- What? Get outta here!
- [ Roaring ]
Crazy kid, huh? [ Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
- Keep 'im occupied, Ted. I got me an idea.
- [ Groaning Continues ]
Talk about an
embarrassing obituary, ! Aah!
Poked to death by a
giant human iceberg! Uuh!
All right, you icy bastard!
How about a hot cup o' joe?
[ Grunts ]
Ha!
Sorry, we're all outta decaf!
Melt, you frozen,
goofy-lookin' son-of-bitch! Melt!
Get 'im! Get 'im!
[ Laughing ]
Yeah!
[ Roaring ]
Ahh! Finito! [ Laughing ]
I've got it!
Ahh, iced cappuccino.
Thank you, garcon.
- [ Grunting ]
- [Yelping ]
[ Captain ] Yeah, get
'im! Get 'im! Get 'im, Paps!
[Wolf Whistle ] Gives me the
double-dark willies just eye-ballin' it.
[Big Teddy] Ah, it looks like somethin' you'd
dream about after a quart of Jack Daniels...
and a couple of bad sausages.
Whoo!
Uh, we made it! Uh,
thank you! Thank you!
[ Sighing ] Oh! Mm!
- All right, already! you're givin' me the creeps!
- [ Grunts ]
Okay, let's not waste any
time. Here's what we need:
driftwood, palm leaves, tree sap,
tree glue and a shit-load of gravel.
- Why, are we going to bake a cake?
- The goal is to blow out of here...
before sundown, so
no screwing around.
I'd like to get me a fish in the
boat sometime before I'm 90.
[ Sighs ] Hello.
Gentlemen, may I talk to you about a
subject which brings me great embarrassment?
Let me guess. Your little swimmer friend
is giving you the old freeze job, huh?
I-I just don't get it. She seems
totally uninterested in me,
despite my smothering
obsessiveness.
Did you ever try, pattin' her on the
ass? That usually drives 'em wild.
Or dance around the room in
your underwear till she gets hot.
That's how I got
my last four wives.
No, it's just no use.
When it comes to women, I'm just...
I'm all thumbs.
I'm just so stupid!
Mm! Boom! Boom!
Wait a sec. Come to think of it,
there is someone who could
help you with this problem of yours.
[ Captain ] Oh, Lordy, I know
what you're thinkin; Mr. Skunk.
What? W-W-W-What?
What, what, what?
Well, they say there's a
woman on this very, island...
who's helped many a green,
young cabin boy come of age...
and blossom into manhood.
In other words, she'll clean
your pipes six ways to Sunday.
- You know what I mean?
- No, but go on.
Well, the downside is, she isn't real easy
to get to. She lives in a cave up on a cliff.
I don't care. I'll do whatever
it takes to win over Trina.
How do I get to this woman? Come
on, give me precise directions, will ya?
Basically, you just saunter your ass into
the jungle. You'll run into her eventually.
All right, fine. That's
what I'm gonna do then.
Thank you, fellow crewmates, I'm off.
And when I return, I shall be a cabin man.
Mm!
[ Humming ]
SweetZeus, he's
off to meet Calli.
And they never,
ever saw him again.
- The end!
- [ Both Laughing ]
Whoo!
Wowser!
[ Grunting ]
You're doing it. You're
actually climbing a cliff.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Sighing ]
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Nathanial. Be brave.
I will be, Nathanial. All right.
Let's go, Nathanial. Okay.
Hello.
Hello?
Howdy do?
Uh...
Oh.
What th...
Ooh-whee
-Ooh, ooh, ooh-whee
- Yeah. Ah...
- [ Clears Throat ]
- Oo-ooh, ooh-whee-ee
Mm, mm, mm
- Excuse me, miss, uh...
- Have mercy
- Who are you?
- I'm, uh, young Nathanial,
Uh, cabin boy of
The Filthy Whore,
and I, um...
See, Skunk said
that you were gonna...
Do not be
embarrassed, cabin boy.
I know why you are here.
Oh, you do? Great. Well,
that'll save us a lot of time.
Geez, you must spend
a fortune on mittens.
- [ Chuckling ]
- However, I cannot help you with your problem...
unless you answer the
three riddles of the island.
Oh, sure. That
sounds like fun. Hit me.
How does the moon
greet her daughters?
Yee... hoo.
[ Exhaling In Bursts,
Clicking Tongue ]
Well, ah, if she's a refined
lady, and I'm sure she is,
she may probably greet her
lassies with a gift of some sort.
Uh, maybe a box of peppermints
or some hair care products,
and then, you know, it's
off to the mall and lunch.
"Have fun girls, bye-bye."
That sort of thing.
[ Mocking Chuckle ]
Why don't you ask
me something hard?
What are the seven
contradictions of Zeripa,
watcher of the equator?
Oh, geez! [Taps
Bed ] I knew this too.
Oh, uh...
[ Muttering ] Oh, forget it. Uh, you really...
This one you got me completely stumped on.
I'm sorry. Does it have something
to do with the metric system?
Oh, forget it. This
is a waste of time.
Come on over here, honey. You've managed
to charm me with your moronic innocence.
- [ Needle Scratching Record ]
- Oh, great. Well, you know what I always say:
- [ Ballad ] Oh, baby
- It pays to be yourself. [ Chuckles ] Oh. Uh...
Come on, we've gotta finish before
my husband, Mulligan, comes home.
- Okay.
- Your love is super-sweet love
- One down, five to go. This could take all night.
- When you put it all...
- [ Chuckling ]
- Oh!
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
- [ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Okay, you're gonna do that.
- Ooh. [Yelping ]
Ee! Oh, geez, that's
different, isn't it? Uh-huh.
These pipes...
are clean! [ Echoing ]
[ Chortling ]
Mm-hmm. And how.
[ Birds Chirping ]
- [ Gasps ]
- Hello, Trina.
What happened to you?
Well, let's just say I've
finally shed my feminine side
like a snake sheds its fur.
You look so strong... confident.
- Yeah. Mm-mm.
- Not nearly as idiotic.
- [ Pants ]
- I'm now going to show you everything I've been taught.
And I only pray that I'm not thrown
off by your lack of four additional arms.
Mm, mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
[ Footsteps Approaching,
Keys Rattling, Door Closing ]
Hi, honey. How was
your day at the shop?
Sweet of you to
call it a shop, Calli.
We both know it's just a
hole in the side of a mountain.
- Was business brisk?
- Brisk?
Not really. I sold one electric
toothbrush to a flyin' leprechaun.
Well, don't be
discouraged, dear.
I'm sure things will pick up
once word of mouth gets out.
[ Sighs Heavily ]
Who am I kidding?
It was a stupid idea to open up a
housewares store on this island.
I might as well go back to devourin'
wild boar and sleep on the beach.
Stop talking like that.
What the hell is this?
Uh, it's Linda's. She
must've left it here.
What are you talkin' about?
Your sister hasn't visited in months.
[ Sniffing ]
Frozen seafood.
There was a fisherman
here, wasn't there? Hmm?
[ Chuckling ] Of course not.
Where would you get that silly idea?
Huh? What do you call this?
Uh...
Damn it, woman! You promised me when we were
married, you'd quit helping lonely sailors.
You don't understand. It's boring
laying around this dump all day.
Least you have
a job to go off to.
Oh, no! I told you a long time ago,
no wife of mine is ever gonna work.
Where are you going?
I'm going to kick me
some sailor-boy ass.
Bring back bread.
Oh, it's beautiful
countryside, isn't it? [ Giggling ]
Kinda reminds me
of Long Island City.
Hey, where the
hell are they going?
Oh, wonderful! The boys must have fixed the
boat and they're taking it out for a test drive.
- Congrats, gents!
- Don't you understand?
Those idiots are leaving us
here. We're completely abandoned.
Trina, would you have a little faith in
mankind? They would never do that to me.
I've become one of
them. We've bonded.
Nathanial, how can
you be so naive?
Well, how can you just
stand there like that and just...
[ Thudding, Birds Squawking ]
Holy crap!
A little birdie inside my brain is
telling me that that's probably Mulligan.
He's found out about me and Calli, and now
he must think that I'm out there on the boat.
Can you see the question
mark above my head?
Yeah, well, it's a complicated
story. I'll fill you in on it later.
But right now, we have
to go help our friends.
Why? They left us here to
rot. I hope he kills 'em all.
- Kill! Kill! Destroy!
- Stop it. Trina, stop!
As your recently trained lover,
I'm ordering you to assist me.
Wow.
Nathanial, no man's ever talked to
me like that without eating my knuckles.
For some reason, when
you say it, I actually like it.
Oh, geez! Okay, okay, keep it in your
pants for five seconds, will ya, honey?
Come on, we're on an official
rescue mission here. Let's go.
Holy Christ in a dump truck!
Oh, Skunk? Mr. Expert?
Mr. Mythology Whiz,
what the hell is that?
I have no idea. Just
a big guy, I guess.
We gotta head him off before he gets his
grubby hands on The Filthy Whore! Move!
[ Pounding Fist ] Move! Move!
[ Groaning ]
- [ Snarling ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Roaring ]
- [ Screaming ]
Which one of you
scumbags diddled my wife?
Come on, mister, don't be sore at us. We
didn't diddle nobody, especially your wife.
If there's one thing I
hate, it's a wiseass.
[ Screaming ]
[ Gurgling, Yelling ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Clicking Tongue ]
Hurry, Trina! Faster, faster!
Come on. [ Clicking
Tongue ] Go, girl, go.
All right, Trina, I'll
take it from here.
[ Nathanial ] Ooh!
I stabbeth thee,
ye wretched giant...
shoe salesman-looking
creature! [ Grunting ]
- Hey!
- [ Chuckling ]
- [Yelping ]
- Now what should I do?
Kill you separately, or toss you in the boat
with your little friends and then sit on it?
No! It was me who made sweet love to your
receptive wife. The others are innocent.
Do you know what I do to guys who,
quote unquote, sleep with my wife?
Discuss your disappointment with
them over a cup of hot chocolate?
Close.
I cut their heads off
with a nail clipper. Huh!
[ Clipper Clicking ]
- Come here, you little rat bastard.
- Oh, uh...
Ya know, I think I'll
pass on that, um...
But I'd be happy to take
you up on a leg waxing.
Don't you guys have any guns or
anything? Can't we do something?
Yeah, look the other way.
This is gonna be gruesome.
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
Mm-mm.
Die!
- It's Chocki!
- I guess he's still got a soft spot for the kid after all.
[ Grunting, Mumbling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Oh!
[ Grunting, Groaning Continues ]
[ Choking ]
Yes!
[ Grunting, Choking ]
Big dummy. Yeah!
Must come... down!
[ Groaning ]
Ow.
[ Groaning ]
[ Cheering ] That-a-boy!
I knew you'd do it.
Yes!
Yeah. [ Giddy Laughter ]
Ahmm-mm-mm-moo-baa! [ Laughing ]
Way to go, kid!
[ Catches Breath ]
Good-bye, sweet
Chocki. I shan't forget you.
Half man, half shark...
equals one complete gentleman.
-[ Captain ] Here you go. Help him up here. Come on.
-[ Skunk ] Atta boy.
[ Grunts ] Hi.
- Whoo!
- Yeah! Ha-ha!
Oh! I'm so proud
of you, Nathanial.
That was the most courageous and
bizarre thing I've ever seen. [ Giggling ]
You saved our lives,
kid. I knew ya had it in ya.
You're the best cabin boy ever,
you little monkey! [ Cackling ]
Not bad for a Jonah.
Here's a switch: You play and
we'll dance for you! [ Laughing ]
["The Alley Cat Song"]
[ Laughter Continues ]
Well, uh, I guess
I got everything.
What's wrong, pally? This ain't no time
to drag your ass. You got it made now.
I guess you'll be eatin' off of silver
slippers from here on out, hmm?
That's right. No more fish sticks
and chocolate milk for our cabin boy!
[ All Laughing ]
Fellas, I was just thinking. I'm sure my
daddy would give you all jobs at the hotel.
[ All Laughing ]
Come on, squirt. We're just a
bunch of old, broken-down fishermen.
All we know how to do is fish.
- And stink.
- Right.
But the sea is
part of me now too.
It courses through my veins and
through my organs and through my bladder.
Now, don't be silly, champ. Your place
is here with your papa. You know that.
You're a fancy lad and
you ought to be proud of it.
[ Sighs ]
My big Teddy. Thanks.
Yeah, see ya, kid. Go get yourself a couple
of high-priced Hawaiian whores for me, huh?
Okay.
Skunk.
Take care, kid.
- Paps.
- [ Mumbling ]
Paps, you've been like the drunken,
abusive grandfather I never had.
Ah, stop that. You'll have my
glass eye foggin' over. Here.
Oh, Cappy, you're the
hardest one to say good-bye to.
I felt closest to you
throughout all of this.
You're kind of like the scarecrow
in that classic children's story.
- The Wizard of Oz.
- No, I'm fairly certain it was The Great Gatsby.
Eh? Oh, uh... Good luck, Butch.
Fish sticks ain't gonna be the
same without ya. [ Sobbing ]
All right, don't, don't do that.
You're going to get me going.
- Get out! Get, get!
- Oh, I-I'm... Okay.
[ Sighing ]
Trina? Trina,
what's your problem?
What? Are you
drunk or something?
Nathanial...
it could never work out with us.
You have this whole fancy
life waiting for you here.
I can't be part of that.
[ Sighs ]
May I charter you a private
jet for your trip home?
No. Thanks, but I plan to swim
back right after I grab lunch.
Okay, a handshake. Well, uh,
a handshake's good, I guess.
Good-bye, Nathanial.
Good-bye, Trina.
Well, I'm off then.
Good-bye, everyone.
And... may your days be full
of mirth and good fortune.
[ All ] Bye.
Good-bye.
[ Man ] Look at you. Dirty,
shabby, common-looking.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You have the honor of being the
first Mayweather to smell a bit gamy.
I smell of the sea, and there's no
smell more honest or admirable.
Oh, my God! You're delirious!
Nathanial, what are
we going to do with you?
Where in the Savior's
name are you going?
This is for you!
Come back here, boy!
You're out of your mind.
[ Trina ] Nathanial?
Trina! Trina.
Oh, Trina, you're still here.
Yeah, I was just
about to head out.
My steak and eggs
are pretty well digested.
Listen to me. I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you at sea,
with the crew of The Filthy
Whore, like one big, happy,
pungent, mildly
dysfunctional family.
Are you sure this
is what you want?
Yeah! I am sure.
I've permanently yanked the
silver spoon from my mouth,
and I buried it 6,000 miles
beneath the Earth's crust.
I mean, figuratively
speaking, of course.
I mean, who could do such a
thing? That would be insane.
Oh, Nathanial.
Your words melt
like butter in my brain.
[ Birds Chirping ]
Come on, Trina.
We've got a boat to catch.
[ Blues ]
Ooh-whee
Ooh, ooh-whee-ee
Ooh-whee-ee
Mm-mm-mm
Ooh-ooh-ooh-whee
Ow
Ooh-ooh-ohh-whee
Ooh-whee
[ Birds Chirping ]
[ Choir ] So are we
now where Christ has led
A-a-a-alleluia
Following our exalted head
A-a-a-alleluia
Made like him
Like him we rise
A-a-a-alleluia
[ Very High Voice ] Ours
across the great blue sky
A-a-a-alleluia
A-a-a
[ Singing In Wrong
Key ] Amen
[ Man ] Nathanial.
- This arrived for you this morning.
- Thank you, Headmaster.
Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah...
[ Gasps ]
Oh! What sweet news!
Ah! My dear daddy has arranged
for my immediate departure...
from Stephenwood,
tomorrow, after graduation.
And he's booked me first-class
passage on the Queen Catherine.
Of course. Heaven forbid...
that you should experience
even the slightest discomfort.
Yes. Yes. Good point.
- As I'm sure you're well aware, Reichmaster
Timmons, [ Clicks Heels Together ]
I'm to take over the family-run hotel
chain in beautiful sun-drenched Hawaii.
I'm sure that's almost as exciting as being
a frustrated, shabbily-dressed headmaster.
- Yes? Hmm?
- Young Nathanial.
The faculty and myself have made
endless attempts to teach you to curb...
your condescensions
towards others.
As a fancy lad, respecting those around
you is both your duty and your obligation.
I'm sorry, sir. I was just pondering what
drifter's corpse you stole those shoes from.
- [ Giggling ]
- My God!
You are a hateful
creature, aren't you?
Come on, it was just a joke.
[ Chuckling ] Mmm. [ Kissing ]
The origin of the bowler...
can be traced back...
- to the turn of the century.
- [Yawning Loudly ]
The simplest and most
popular way to tip... a hat...
is the Chatman Street method.
- [ Muffled Chuckle ]
- It is performed thusly.
[ Boisterous Laughter ]
Nathanial! You may
sit down, Lawrence.
It is unfair to ask you to continue in
the presence of this cackling baboon!
[Very, High Voice ] Somebody's
daddy's missing a leg!
Nathanial,
since you seem so anxious to interrupt
the proceedings with your infantile babble,
kindly step forward and
give us your presentation.
It would my pleasure, my
dear underpaid professor.
Excuse me. [ Clears Throat ]
Well this, my silly, dim-witted
looking classmates,
is a 14th century
Norwegian evening derby.
Very few of these exist today, and those that
do reside in museums or in the possession...
of extraordinarily rich young men who
happen to have rather large penises.
Well... good-bye, Nathanial.
You are now
officially a fancy lad.
And it is my sincere hope that you will bring
dignity and humility to that high honor.
Good luck. And do tell your
father I send my regards.
Oh, sure. In fact, I think I have the
picture of his backside in my wallet...
if you care to
kiss it right here.
Nathanial, whatever
shall become of you?
Don't worry, about me, Timmons. My life
shall never be anything less than perfect.
- [ Car Starting ]
- Hey! Here you go, Chubby.
- Go buy yourself a spritzer.
- [ Coin Bounces On Ground ]
Okay, come on. Let's get this thing moving!
Oh, and thank you for opening the door for me.
Oh, that was so nice, you moron!
Good riddance, you horrible,
dreadful, nasty little bastard.
[ Nathanial ] You're driving
too fast. Slow it down!
- Not that slow, imbecile. Speed up!
- [ Brakes Screeching ]
Why on earth have you stopped this
wretched vehicle? What do you think...
- Get the hell outta here, you fresh-mouthed little freak.
- Hey! Hey!
What do you think
you're doing? [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ]
I merely suggested that you have the driving
ability of a brain-dead laboratory, ape.
- Welcome to the real world, kid.
- Well, fiine.
I'll just get right back in. I don't know
what you... Hey! Come back here, you!
Hey! Hey! You can't
take my luggage!
I'll have you incarcerated.
Dear Lord,
I'm about to embark
on a brisk walk,
the first bit of exercise in
my young privileged life.
I pray, do not allow
me to break a sweat.
Okay. Here I go.
Yup. One, two, I'm walking.
[ Gasping, Screaming,
Whimpering ]
[ Panting ]
[ Hysterical Screaming ]
[ Sobbing ]
[ Panting ]
[ Gasps ] The
Golden Mist Seaport.
Oh, thank you.
Thank... [ Kissing ]
Whoa-ho-ho. My luxurious suite
on the Queen Catherine awaits me.
I'll be with you uno
momento, my friend. [ Laughs ]
[ Mooing ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Panting ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, yes. Oh, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, finally. Okay. [
Panting Continues ]
Watch it. Watch...
Would you... Lady! Eeew, yuck.
Eeew! Oooh! Eeew. Eeew!
[ Gagging ]
- [ Man Chuckling ]
- Pardon me...
Get off me.
Oh, geez. Where are you...
- Stop it! Stop.
- [ Chickens Cackling ]
I've had it with you
bunch of stinkos in here.
You, you, old man.
Look, I am in desperate
need of assistance.
Well, well, well, what's
on your mind, little girl?
I realize that you are most likely
the product of lower class inbreeding.
- But perhaps you could help me.
- Oh, gosh, I certainly hope so.
I have been wandering
this dreary, village...
in hopes of finding
the Queen Catherine.
- You wouldn't have any idea where she might be docked?
- Ah, you know what you are?
You're one of those
little fancy lads, aren't ya?
[ Chuckling ] Boy, you're cute.
Gosh, what a sweet little outfit.
Is it your little spring
outfit? [ Chuckles ]
You couldn't be cuter.
You're so adorable. Oh, my.
You know, you remind me
of my niece Sally. Lovely girl.
She's a dietitian. Hey.
- Would you like to buy a monkey?
- I don't wanna buy a monkey.
- Are you sure?
- No, I'm on my way. Your family must be very, proud of you.
We'll see ya, honey. Hey, wait
a minute. Jennifer, come here.
What?
I can show you to
that ship of yours.
- You will?
- Right down this road.
- Right there.
- Marvelous. I should hurry...
because they're gonna start the banquet
soon and I must tell you, I am famished.
Well, why wouldn't ya be? Big girls have
big appetites, don't they? [ Chuckles ]
Listen, do yourself a favor. Don't let 'em
give you any of that flank steak bullshit.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Try, the London Broil. Yeah.
- That's a good tip. I shall do it.
- Sure, pamper yourself.
- Oh, I will.
- Oh, my. Okay.
Well, I must tell you, for a
yellow-eyed, gamey-smelling lowlife,
- you really have quite a decent heart about you.
- Well, thanks.
I'm not gonna touch you, shake your hand
or get near you because you're all of that.
- But I am gonna be on my way.
- Good for you.
- Off I go.
- Hey listen, have a good trip Suzy. Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Think about me, all right? [ Chuckling ]
[ Chuckling Continues]
Oh, man, oh, man,
do I hate them fancy lads.
Uh, hey, um... I'm looking
for the steward of the Q.C.
Uh... I'm watching the boat till
everyone gets back from lunch.
Oh! Then departure was
delayed on my behalf. Very, good.
Uh, here's my boarding pass.
Please take me to the ship's finest quarters
'cause I wish to draw a hot bath. What a day.
I ain't supposed to let
nobody on the boat 'cause...
Leo, no, no, no.
I know, I look too disheveled to board, but
I assure you, the captain will understand.
- Wow. You know the captain?
- I should say so. He owes his entire career to my daddy.
- Can we?
- Okay, since you know him and all.
Okay, fine. [ Grunts ] Boy! Boy!
[Whimpering ]
Hey... What the...
Well, is this the tug that's supposed
to take us out to the Queen Catherine?
- It's a boat.
- The... Uh...
Oh-ho-ho-ho. Oh, I see.
This is the Queen Catherine.
It's one of those theme ships, isn't
it? Yes, I've read about these things.
Where we passengers pretend we're common
type and slum it up a bit. [ Chuckles ]
Deliciously chic. [ Giggles ]
[ Boy ] Step, step, step.
- Step, step.
- Yes, I know they're steps. I've seen steps before.
[ Giddy Laughter ]
Marvelous! Oh!
The best bunk we got is the captain's. But
I don't think he'd mind, since you know him.
[ Giddy Laughter Continues ]
Oh, my, they sure do have
an eye for detail, don't they?
Awards all around. [ Chuckling ]
You sure got things
figured out, don't ya?
I was never real good at figurin' stuff
out. Captain says I'm dumb as a carp.
Here's how a harem girl dances.
[ Moaning ]
[ Grunting ]
Okay, well, thank you
for that, whatever that was.
And now, enough of your silly gibberish. Go
fetch me a cup of bouillon before I retire.
- Yes? Good boy. Off you go.
- Thank you. Okay. Okay.
Bowl-yun.
Bowl-yawn.
Maybe it's just a
fancy word for chum.
[ Groans ]
[ Grunts ]
Eeew. Eeew.
- [ Sobbing ]
- Pipe down, you imbecile. My head is throbbing as it is.
Sorry. For a second, I thought
you were my granny. She's dead.
- Right.
- Well, here's your bouillon.
Thank you very, much. Now, will you please
make sure that I'm not disturbed till 'morrow.
- Okay. Bye, lady.
- Fine.
Oh, my.
[ Sniffs ] Oh.
Mmm. A bit spicy.
Quite robust.
[ Chuckling ]
Your friend's here. He's
all tucked in for the night.
Whatever you say, Einstein.
We figured you were hungry, so we
bought you a stick of gum. [ Laughing ]
Don't chew it all in one place,
shit-for-brains. [ Laughing ]
[ Laughs ]
Gum.
[ Man ] All right, listen up! We're
gonna sail outta here tonight...
and keep running straight
on through till mornin'.
We'll drop our
nets at daybreak...
and catch them scaley
bastards while they're still groggy!
[ Men Cheering ]
[ "Beautiful Dreamer" ]
[ Man Hacking ]
[ Hacking Continues ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Bottle Shattering ]
So, Skunk, what do you think?
We got enough ocean behind us?
Yeah, yeah. No
trouble for us tonight.
- I think I'll turn in. Keep it steady, whatever works for you.
- Okeydokey.
[ Hacking, Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
- [ Hacking, Grunting Continue ]
- [ Bottles Breaking ]
Uh!
[ Mumbling ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Giggling ]
[ Growling ]
[ Sighing ]
[ Captain Snoring ]
- Hi. How ya doin'?
- Very well. Thank you.
[ Both Screaming ]
- [Whimpers ]
- Don't this beat all, boys?
We got us a
half-crazed boat-hopper.
Now, see here. I don't know
what kind of nonsense you're...
[ Gasps ] trying to pull here,
but it's painfully obvious...
[ Laughing ] Oh, I see.
This is all part of the
theme, right? Sure.
And you're just stage actors pretending
to be filthy drunkards. [ Laughing ]
Bravo. Bravo, everyone.
Long live the theater.
- Am I missing something here?
- Holy shit in a handbasket. This moron got on the wrong boat.
Now, wait a second.
Are you... What...
Are you meaning to imply
this is not the Queen Catherine?
Uh-uh.
And you're not its well-trained crew
here to cater to my every whim?
Nope.
- Kid, we're just here to catch fish and stink.
- Mostly the latter.
[Very, High Voice ]
Whoo! Oooh! Okay.
Okay, um... All right, look.
Obviously there's been a little mix-up here
and I seem to have boarded the wrong vessel.
Okay. I apologize, but there's
a happy ending to all this.
You just point this thing towards
Hawaii and drop me off there. Great.
End of controversy.
Now, let's go enjoy some tea
and honey-dipped willy pumps, shall we?
Gimme the go-ahead,
Cap, and I'll kill him.
- I knew I shouldn't have had that last bottle of rotgut.
- Gentlemen, no, no, no.
Don't walk away from me. Come
back. No, no, no. Don't make me run.
Come on. You too.
Come, come, come.
It's painfully obvious to me that you
have no idea who you're dealing with here.
- You see, I... am a fancy lad.
- [ Men Chuckling ]
Fancy lad!
And if you continue to hinder
my arrival, I'll just have my daddy
put you all on trial and have you hanged.
Were you dropped on
your head as a toddler?
[ Captain Groaning ]
Listen up, you
doozy-lookin' deuce in shoes!
We're out here for the next three
months to catch us some fish!
So, unless you wanna end
up as bait, stay outta my face!
Aaah.
Don't you walk away from
me, you big talking walrus!
This issue is not negotiable.
- I hate this.
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Laughing ]
- My christening wig!
I've had it since infancy.
Well, you ain't got it
no more, peckerhead.
[ All Laughing ]
There, by the grace of God,
floats away my manhood.
Simply put, a five-pound box of chocolate
covered macadamia nuts is yours...
if you'll point this swill heap
towards Hawaii, comprende?
Sorry, I'll have to pass.
These stockings I'm wearing are made of pure
imported silk from the mountains of Bennenia.
- They're yours if you get me to Hawaii.
- Yeah?
These socks I'm wearin' are pure wool and
they've been on my feet for three straight weeks.
And if you don't blow, you're
gonna swallow them like an aspirin.
If my poor daddy doesn't hear from me
soon, there's no telling what he might do.
[ Crying ] I'm afraid he'll become
despondent and turn a pistol upon himself.
Hey, you wanna learn a
little fisherman's Greek?
- [ Chuckling ]
- Oh.
""Gadinga pachinga castinga."
That means ""I kissed a girl."
[ Laughing ]
"Patuka cachuka stabuka."
That means, "I felt up a girl's ass."
- [ Laughing ]
- All right. Fine.
"Katinka kawinka kalinka."
You know what that means.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Is there not one person on this
boat who's not monstrously insane?
Oooh, it's maddening. I'm at
my wit's end. I can't take it...
[ Chuckling ]
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Rattling ]
Hello?
I can't say as I blame
you, standing by yourself.
There's no such thing as pleasant
companionship on this tawdry vessel.
Sorry, but I ain't supposed to
talk to nobody while I'm on watch.
Captain Greybar says I got the
attention span of a circus monkey.
I don't think your Capt. Greybar is qualified
to cast aspersions on the character of others.
Sorry, I don't speak Spanish.
Pardon me, I seem to
have forgotten your name.
Kenny.
Kenneth, uh...
your captain has been under a great deal of
stress recently and he's in need of a holiday.
You mean like Halloween?
Yes. Like Halloween. Now...
Wouldn't you like to help your weary,
captain rest his rum-soaked bones?
Uh... yeah, I guess... if
you think he'd like that.
- What do I gotta do?
- It's magnificently simple.
Tonight, after they've
all fallen asleep,
change the course of the
boat and head it for Hawaii.
- You think you're capable of that?
- Sure.
I ain't too swift about other
stuff, but I know maps real good.
So, he'll be happy
about this, huh?
No, absolutely. In fact, I
overheard him telling somebody,
"My wouldn't it be jolly-jack splendid
to spend a fortnight or two in Hawaii?"
Yup, that sounds like him.
You do good impressions.
Right. Okay, then fine. After they've all
fallen into their alcohol-induced slumbers,
we'll put our little
plan into action.
Now remember, this is
our little secret, yeah?
- [ Laughing ]
- Okay.
All right. You're... You're a
big happy one, aren't you?
[ Men Snoring ]
[ Snoring Continues ]
[ Nathanial ] Swine.
Filthy swine. Echh!
Okay. The pigs are all asleep.
Okay. Looks like all
we gotta do is shift her...
250,000 degrees... northeast...
and we'll be headed
straight for Hawaii.
- Okay, fine. Do it quickly now.
- Okay. Let's see here.
Okay, we're goin' to Hawaii.
Okay, great. Well,
good job, old boy.
And you know what?
When we reach the islands, I
may buy you a big red, shiny apple.
[ Panting ] Geez, thanks.
A human tree stump.
After a brief derailment, my
life is back on its proper course.
[ Exhales ] Fret not, Daddy. I
shall be with you in a saint's whisper.
Stupid. [ Sighs ]
[ Thunderclap ]
[ Microwave Bell Ringing ]
[ Thunderclap ]
What in the Savior's name...
What do you think you're doing?
This is no time for stunt sailing.
Stop this immediately.
- I'm trying.
- You're not trying hard enough. Aaah!
Get off me!
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Glass Breaking ]
What the... You doofus!
Everybody, get your asses
outside! Move, move, move!
Huh?
- Maybe I should drop anchor.
- Do you think that'll help?
- I don't know. I'm not very, bright, remember?
-Just do it!
Try, anything, will ya!
What am I supposed to...
Don't worry. It seems
a lot worse than it is.
- What?
- Ooo-aaah!
Whoo! Whoo!
Paddle your rump back
here and steer this boat!
Tell Capt. Greybar I
hope he enjoys Hawaii.
And remind him that we're
almost out of margarine.
Oh, come back! Oooh, you can't
do this to me! Come... Come back!
- Secure that boom!
- Aye-aye, Captain.
Ooo-hooo! Stop this! Aaah!
- Oooh!
- Grab the wheel!
- Okay, Skip!
- [ Screaming ]
Whoo-whoo-hoo!
- Shit!
- [ High-Pitched Screaming ]
I don't like this! [ Sobbing ]
Looks like Kenny
got us off course.
That don't sound like Kenny. He's dumb
but he don't take a leak before tellin' me.
Well, it's his scribbles. If this
thing's right, look where it's landin' us.
[ Captain ] Sweet
Jake, Hell's Bucket!
Kenny! Get your fat,
worthless ass over here!
- I ain't seen that little sow anywhere.
- Hey. What the hell is this!
[ Captain ] Aaaw!
Get over here, perfume boy!
Look at this.
Well, I merely suggested
to Kenneth that...
perhaps it would be fun if we
set the ship's course for Hawaii.
- Jesus Christ!
- [ Nathanial ] Why, why, why,
had I known he'd be blown overboard by a gust
of wind, I never would have suggested it.
Get outta my sight
before you join him!
- What, I...
- Aaah!
[ High-Pitched Screaming ]
[ Clouds Chuckling ]
If I'd have just listened to Mommy, I'd have
gone into the goddamned butcher business,
and I wouldn't be in this
predicament in the first place.
"Oh, no, Daddy, I
wants to be a sailor."
[ Mumbling ] Goddammit.
Fuck it. I'll never get out of here.
And the net's torn to pieces.
Goddammit, what am I supposed to
do now? Catch 'em with my hands?
We're in deep shit, Greybar.
What the hell are we gonna do?
What do you think?
Give me a clue, will ya?
Well, the engine's flooded,
the mizzenmast is down...
- and we got a crack in the mid-section that's drawing water.
- Wonderful!
Aaah! We got any options here, gentlemen?
The only thing to do as far as I can tell
is find a safe harbor and fix the boat.
As you know, there's only one island in Hell's
Bucket and I am not crazy about landing there.
Yeah, well, I ain't crazy about sittin' on a
boat till she sinks and we wind up flounder shit.
Yeah, those flounders
are bloodthirsty bastards.
Looks like we
ain't got a choice.
If we don't make it to that island,
we're all gonna end up on the bottom.
We stay in Hell's Bucket long
enough, that's the least of our worries.
There's bad mojo
all around here.
Instead of standing around philosophizin'
like a bunch of old washer women,
let's get to the goddamned island,
fix the boat and blow outta this hole!
And I say we dump that
jinx kid. He's a born Jonah.
Right! As soon as we get to the island,
[ Snaps Fingers ] he's history.
We'll send him out to pick berries
or somethin' and then haul ass.
Yeah, pick berries.
[Whimpering ]
- Please don't harm me. I'm meek as a kitten. Truly I am.
- Stop. Cease.
Listen here, boy. You got
us groin-deep in trouble...
and I am this close to turning
your powdered ass into chum.
I must take offense to that. I haven't
powdered my bottom since I was 17...
Cork it! From here on out,
since we're one hand short,
you're gonna do every, dirty, shitty,
snot-soaked job that needs doin' around here!
- Got it?
- Is there any good news?
[ Gasps ] The good news...
is that I may let you live.
And if you behave yourself,
we'll drop you off in Hawaii,
- Japan, wherever the hell you're goin'.
- Thank you, Captain.
- That's what I wanted to hear.
- Okay! First things first.
Get outta these sissy clothes and go put on
some of Kenny's duds. God rest his sweet soul.
And I want you to think of his fat, pimpled
ass every time you slip into his boots!
I just pray that those boots have adequate
arch support because I have problem feet...
Git! [ Groans ]
Yuck.
Okay. Here we go.
Be calm. Do it. Do it to it.
Oh! That's it. The head came off and what's
inside stinks and that's all I'm doing.
- I'm done.
- Hi.
Come on, you're doing very well.
- [ Groans ] Aaah, I hate you.
- Sorry.
- Ow.
- Aaah!
[ Deep Voice ] He did it.
There. Now here's something
your fancy ass can't screw up.
And don't quit until every,
square inch of this deck is clean...
as a church piss
house. [ Laughing ]
[ Men Laughing ]
Oddly enough, it kind of tastes
like marzipan. Huh, go figure.
Aaaw. Aaaw.
I'm sorry. Could you explain
this chore to me one more time?
It's a little something
we call "outward watch."
Here's how it works: We'll let out some
rope so you can drift along behind us.
All you gotta do is keep your eyes open for other
boats, cars, flying saucers, shit like that.
And exactly, how much rope are
you gonna let out, about ten feet or so?
Two miles worth.
That sounds a trifle peculiar
but I suppose you're the experts.
Hey, one more thing? Is it true
it's unsafe to drink seawater?
That's a new one to
me. It's water, ain't it?
We gave you a carton of
chocolate milk. What else you want?
All right, Geronimo. Let's
get your ass out there.
And in about a week, when your shift is over,
give this rope a tug and we'll haul you in.
Okay. Well, I'm off.
Not crazy about the idea.
- Send us a postcard, Daisy.
- Bon voyages. [ Laughing ]
Great idea, Skipper. Finally,
some peace and quiet.
[ Men Laughing ]
Boom-boom. Water, boom-boom.
Hot sun, water.
Boring. What's
another word for it?
Dullsville. It's Dullsville.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I hate it. I hate it.
[ Exhales, Panting ]
Oh, it's hot.
I'm burning up. There's
gotta be some lotion in here.
What's this? Cooking oil.
Maybe that's nature's moisturizer.
Ohhh, that should do it.
About a number 15
it feels like. Ooo-kay.
[ Searing ]
What are you doing here? He
didn't know... Boo! Boo! Bow!
[ Babbling ]
- Boo.
- [ Squeaking ]
It's lunchtime.
Yeah, it's lunchtime.
Let's get something
to eat. Come on.
Yeah, let's have our good
friend. We'll have our...
It's a pretty color.
[ Deep Voice ] But it don't
taste pretty. Uh-uh. Oooh.
I need something to drink fast.
Come on! Come on. Come on.
Aaa-aaah. Aaah.
[ Grunts ]
Thirsty.
Ahhh.
[ Searing Continues ]
[ Delirious Laughter ]
Good afternoon, madam.
Would you like to buy a donkey?
Donkeys are on sale today through Thursday
and be sure to visit our linen department...
for spectacular savings on stereophonic
pumpkins and glow-in-the-dark bowling balls.
- [Kenny] Hey, man, pull yourself together.
- Kenny!
What are you doing here?
I just wanted to
stop by and say,
"Hang in there. You're
doin' a hell of a job."
- Very, kind of you, Kenny.
- Well, keep up the good work.
Bonsoir. [ Chuckling ]
He's going down into the water.
Okay. Well, you know, most
people would think they were insane...
if they saw something like that, but luckily I
have an open mind about this sort of thing...
- [ Gasps ]
- Now, I know what you're thinkin'.
What could be stranger than a
big, fat-ass, floating cupcake?
Hey, how 'bout one
that spits tobacco?
[ Laughing ] See
ya around, buddy.
[ Chuckling ] That's a cute kid.
Okay, it's official. Nathanial
Mayweather has lost his mind.
I've got cabin fever or raft
fever. I've got some kind of fever.
Look, look, I can
fly. I'm a parakeet!
Somebody give me
a sunflower seed.
[ Ringing ]
Has it been a week already?
Actually it's been
nine days. Time flies.
We'll probably have to
shovel him off that raft.
Yeah. Maybe if we're
lucky, he'll die in a few hours.
[ Skunk ] This kid ain't real.
[ Nathanial ] I'm back, fellas.
Whooo! Hooo-oooh. Hi.
Thank you. [ Groaning ]
Oh, greeting, fellow
fishermen. Oooh-hoow.
I never thought I'd be so
happy to see you again...
and this stinking garbage scow.
Oh! Oh! Big Teddy, thank
you. A welcome home sandwich.
You sure got a lot of energy for
someone who's half-dead from exposure.
That's a very, good point. I would have
been dead had it not been for the sharkman.
- Sharkman?
- [ Giddy Laughter ]
Judging from his appearance, that's the most
appropriate name I could come up with for him.
Oh, I hate this kid.
This, uh, thing
you're talkin' about.
- Did it have the body of a shark and the arms and face of a man?
- That's the chap.
- Holy jumpin' jack fish. Chocki!
- Chocki!
- Who the hell is Chocki?
- Half-man, half-shark.
Legend has it, a Viking ship went
down in Hell's Bucket 500 years ago.
One of the Vikings was spared a grisly
death by a shark who fell in love with him.
Well, you know how it goes.
One thing led to another and...
The Viking knocked up the shark?
And they had one
offspring... Chocki.
Just when you think you've heard
everything about Hell's Bucket,
along comes another
nauseating legend.
[ Groaning ]
And the bad thing is Chocki's
kind of flighty by nature.
He can be friendly one minute,
and then hate you the next.
Now that he's taken a shine to the
kid here, he's probably following us,
- and that could be trouble.
- Well, why's he so flighty?
Who the hell knows. We're
talkin' about a half-man, half-shark.
There's gotta be some kind of a chromosomal
damage with a matchup like that.
Hey! Take a look at this.
Oh, Lord, spare me another
one of these insanities.
Sweet Henry. She's got more
whiskers than a laid-off circus clown.
Gee, they ought to rename
this place "Wackyville."
[ Giggling ] Ooh, 'cause it's wacky.
Ahhh.
Aaah. Oooh, I'll feel better
once we get outta these waters.
All this anxiety from being in a
strange and mysterious land...
- is giving me gas.
- Aw, Christ.
- Oh, geez.
- [ Thunderclap ]
Ah, purple lightning.
That's always a good sign.
- [ Boat Rattling ]
- [ Imitating Airplane Noises ]
Here they are.
Your fish stick kitties.
[ Chuckles ] My own
invention. Thank you very, much.
I thought mealtime could use a little
sprucing up around here. [ Chuckles ]
Paps, here's your kitty.
[ Meowing ] I'm
awful tasty, Paps...
Get out of my face, you
half-assed Edgar Bergen.
Here. Have some coffee.
[ Men Laughing ]
Paps, you're such a little card.
Now, where's that naughty
Captain? He knows it's suppertime.
[ Concertina ]
When I go ashore
and get my pay
I'll go and meet
my Essie May
She'll hike her skirt
and toss her shoe
She'll clean my
pipes, my buddies' too
Don't need a
church to find my way
'Cause I found heaven
with Essie May
[ Stops ]
[ Crying ] That was the most
beautiful thing I've ever heard.
It was like honey from
the lips of an angel.
[ Belches ]
- Bless you.
- Ahhh.
Oh, Cappy, tell
me about all of this.
Tell me about the sea.
What does it mean to you?
Basically, money. I come
from six generations of seamen.
All with the same goal in life: Catch
fish, sell 'em, get drunk and get laid.
- I don't thinkAristotle could've said it better.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah. You might say I dropped
outta my mama's womb with...
galoshes on my feet
and a fishing rod in my hand.
Ouch. That poor woman.
I don't know, Cappy.
I'm beginning to wonder if
it's really people like you who...
wander the world like
shaggy, unkempt beasts,
who really know
what's important in life.
- Okay, boy. I'm officially sick of you now. Take off.
- Are you quite sure?
Sometimes if we've had a little too much
to drink we tend to say the opposite...
Blow!
Okay. That'll do it for
me. I'll just move it on out.
[Yawning ]
[ Singing In French ]
[ Singing Stops ]
[ Thinking ] My Lord, she's the most
beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on.
Every, instinct in my lower half tells me
the Holy Father has preordained our meeting.
Hello, miss!
Miss, excuse me?
Geez, just my luck.
I instantly fall in love for the first
time in my life and it's with a corpse.
Huh? What the...
- [ Grunts ]
- What the hell are you doing?
Thank heavens. There's still some life left in
her after all. Thank you, Lord. I owe you one.
Uh... here. Willkommen.
Aaah, geez.
You idiot! Do you
know what you just did?
- You just ruined my chance at setting a world's record.
- [ Deep Voice ] Say what?
I was swimming around the
world, Maryland to Maryland.
And I was halfway there
until you blew the whole thing!
No, you were just lying there
like a rat in a swimming pool...
I was sleeping! And by you yanking
me onto this floating Dumpster,
I violated one of the rules set forth
by the World's Record committee.
"At no time shall a swimmer's body
come in contact with anything solid."
Yeah, okay. But technically, I'm not solid.
My texture's much more like moist bread.
Shit. I knew it was bad luck
to swim through Hell's Bucket.
Oh, look, you have a hard piece of
seaweed stuck to you. Let me just pull it.
- Relax. [ Gasps ] My wig!
- Take your hands off me.
Faith has truly
brought us together.
- Just... stay the hell away from me.
- Oooh.
Attentionne, messieurs.
Please join me on the upper
deck. I have a little surprise for you.
Come on, fellas. Looky
what I fished out of the ocean.
That's one little cute fishy this
cabin boy done caught hisself.
Aw, not bad. I'd do it.
Where in the hell did
you come from, missy?
The last thing we need
is another straggler.
First of all, I was minding my own
business until your son yanked me up here.
And secondly, don't you call me missy again
unless you wanna lose the rest of your teeth.
Sassy little thing, ain't she?
Want me to give her a spanking?
- [ Men Laughing ]
- I'd like her to give me a spanking.
- How'd you like me to put my foot up your ass?
- [ Men Laughing ]
Come on, now. Gentlemen, please.
I know that salty sea talk is a big part of
being a fisherman, but Trina is our guest.
And until we take her to Maryland,
could we please curb the language?
Oh, so we're gonna drop her off in Maryland?
What the hell is this, a crosstown bus?
Je-sus! I never saw a man
p-whipped so fast in my life!
P-whipped. Now, I'm confused.
Isn't that French for pudding?
Hopeless. Absolutely, utterly goddamned
hopeless. I don't know why we keep trying.
Damn.
Now, he'll have some
company on that island.
- Yeah.
- Hmm?
Paps, I think you can go ahead and
run downstairs and play now if you like.
[ Growls ]
So, things are settling
down... which is good.
A quiet time. Sssh.
[ "The Alley Cat Song" ]
[ Captain ] Do-si-do.
Now, heel and toe.
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Chuckles ] Aaah.
- [ Grunting ]
- [ Laughing ]
Yowza! [ Laughing ]
What a bunch of lunkheads.
Trina! Oh.
Oh, Trina, I'm so glad you decided
to join us. I was just putting on...
- a show for the fellas.
- So this is what you guys do for fun?
- Yeah. [ Laughing ]
- Humiliate an imbecile?
Sure he's clumsy and he's
stupid and he's a screwup,
but you don't have to
treat him like an animal.
You know what, Trina, it's funny
you should mention screwups,
because an hour ago, I made the mistake of
using your swimming diary to light the stove.
- [ Men Laughing ]
- I've been keeping that diary, for 15 years, you ape!
- Dance, boy, dance!
- [ Resumes ]
All right. Hold him tonight.
Just one bear cub to you.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Banging On Ship ]
- What the hell's that?
- [ Banging ]
I'm afraid to say it.
Chocki. He must of sensed we were kind of
debasing the kid a little bit. Now, he's pissed.
If he opens up that hole any wider, we're
all gonna be bunkin' on the bottom tonight.
We gotta throw
that kid overboard.
Wait a second. Maybe
there's a way out of this.
Let her rip.
[ Splashing ]
There goes your little
buddy Nathanial, Chocki!
Go play with him. Play nice.
He fell for it! Oh, Skunk,
Skunk, you're a genius!
For the ten millionth
time, don't kiss me!
Why must we always hide
our emotions, Mr. Macho Man?
[ Groaning ]
- Gimme three.
- Three? Very, interesting.
- Paps?
- Six.
Six?
Ohhh. It's relaxing up here.
Staring off into the night sky.
Those sparkly, twinkly things.
I forget their technical name.
- Stars.
- Whatever.
Thinking about the
future. What it might bring.
Actually, I was thinking I'd kill for a
cheesesteak and a bottle of scotch.
[ Laughs ] Oh, Trina. I don't know
why or how this is happening to me, but...
I am developing deep,
deep feelings for you...
- despite the fact that you have the breeding of a carnival barker.
- Lovely.
I must also tell you that these feelings
are not just of the zipper variety.
- That's a relief.
- [ Flicking Ashes ]
Listen, Nathanial,
I've been working in steel
mills since I was nine years old,
ever since I ran away
from the honor farm.
I'm a drifter and
a loner at heart.
Between forging
girders and swimming,
I don't have a lot of
time for relationships.
Understand?
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just thinking how
much fun it is to roast pumpkin seeds.
Did I mention I have an
incredible crush on you?
That's wonderful. I'm flattered when
a psychotic becomes smitten with me.
No problem. But, ah, not another
peep, zip, boop. You need your rest.
We'll continue this tomorrow. Besides, you're
wearing me out with your incessant babbling.
It's in my ear all night.
Yadda-babba-babba-babba.
Well, it was nice almost
communicating with you.
Kiddo, you are "A" number one in my
book, you know that? You are top dollar.
You know, I honestly think we're onto
something here. Hey, nice shoes. Those...
[ Groans ]
- Bet one.
- See ya.
- I'm in.
- Paps?
- Six.
- Six.
[Teeth Chattering ]
Oh, this makes a lot of sense.
We go to bed a few hours ago, it's 80
degrees. Now we're freezin' our tails off.
Hell's Bucket. No
rhyme or reason to it.
That observation's
gettin' a little old.
Oh, Christ! Take a look.
[ Paps ] Azure Peak!
[ Nathanial ] Brr! Uh, could
somebody please turn up the heat?
I told the man a thousand times not to
open the window in the nanny's room.
- Arf, arf, arf!
- [Yelping ]
[ Giggling ] Good morning, Paps.
Ooh, my, isn't this
weather Christmassy?
Hey, let's make snow
angels. Come on, come!
Well, what're we going to do, Captain? We
can't just sit here and freeze to death.
No shit! Okay, moron,
you go stand in the bow and let us
know when we're coming' close to ice.
Skunk, Ted, you guys stand
watch port and starboard.
Me and Paps will steer through
as best we can. Hey, woman!
Shake your butt outta bed,
Thumbelina, we got a lot of work to do!
Oh, Jesus. Where
the hell are we?
You just stay up there and keep them mascara
caked eyes of yours peeled for icebergs.
- Can ya handle that?
- Kiss my ass!
Believe I'll pass on that
one, thank you very, much.
[Thudding ]
Okay, you hit one.
Damn it, tell us before
we hit the bloody thing.
[ Chuckling ] Oh,
now I get it! Sorry, !
This little system's
workin' out great.
I don't know exactly what this means,
but a giant iceberg just winked at me.
Not a promising development.
Whoa, mama.
I don't know how to break it to you guys,
but you're about to make a new friend.
What's she lippin'
off about now?
[ Ship Creaking ]
[ Screaming ]
A walkin' Popsicle!
Sir, it is very, bad manners to pay
a visit without a formal invitation.
[ Monster Roaring ]
I'm sorry, I didn't catch
that. I have a trick ear.
[ Roaring ]
- [ Paps Groaning ]
- Quick, grab something to whack him with!
- What good'll that do?
- How should I know?
In a situation like this, you
make up shit as you go along!
Now sic him! Come
on, sic him! [ Grunting ]
[ Roaring ]
Come on, Skunk! Poke
his eye out or somethin'.
I, I gotta make a phone call!
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting ]
What the hell ya doin'?
I think it's obvious. I'm
trying to give him foot pain.
- What? Get outta here!
- [ Roaring ]
Crazy kid, huh? [ Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
- Keep 'im occupied, Ted. I got me an idea.
- [ Groaning Continues ]
Talk about an
embarrassing obituary, ! Aah!
Poked to death by a
giant human iceberg! Uuh!
All right, you icy bastard!
How about a hot cup o' joe?
[ Grunts ]
Ha!
Sorry, we're all outta decaf!
Melt, you frozen,
goofy-lookin' son-of-bitch! Melt!
Get 'im! Get 'im!
[ Laughing ]
Yeah!
[ Roaring ]
Ahh! Finito! [ Laughing ]
I've got it!
Ahh, iced cappuccino.
Thank you, garcon.
- [ Grunting ]
- [Yelping ]
[ Captain ] Yeah, get
'im! Get 'im! Get 'im, Paps!
[Wolf Whistle ] Gives me the
double-dark willies just eye-ballin' it.
[Big Teddy] Ah, it looks like somethin' you'd
dream about after a quart of Jack Daniels...
and a couple of bad sausages.
Whoo!
Uh, we made it! Uh,
thank you! Thank you!
[ Sighing ] Oh! Mm!
- All right, already! you're givin' me the creeps!
- [ Grunts ]
Okay, let's not waste any
time. Here's what we need:
driftwood, palm leaves, tree sap,
tree glue and a shit-load of gravel.
- Why, are we going to bake a cake?
- The goal is to blow out of here...
before sundown, so
no screwing around.
I'd like to get me a fish in the
boat sometime before I'm 90.
[ Sighs ] Hello.
Gentlemen, may I talk to you about a
subject which brings me great embarrassment?
Let me guess. Your little swimmer friend
is giving you the old freeze job, huh?
I-I just don't get it. She seems
totally uninterested in me,
despite my smothering
obsessiveness.
Did you ever try, pattin' her on the
ass? That usually drives 'em wild.
Or dance around the room in
your underwear till she gets hot.
That's how I got
my last four wives.
No, it's just no use.
When it comes to women, I'm just...
I'm all thumbs.
I'm just so stupid!
Mm! Boom! Boom!
Wait a sec. Come to think of it,
there is someone who could
help you with this problem of yours.
[ Captain ] Oh, Lordy, I know
what you're thinkin; Mr. Skunk.
What? W-W-W-What?
What, what, what?
Well, they say there's a
woman on this very, island...
who's helped many a green,
young cabin boy come of age...
and blossom into manhood.
In other words, she'll clean
your pipes six ways to Sunday.
- You know what I mean?
- No, but go on.
Well, the downside is, she isn't real easy
to get to. She lives in a cave up on a cliff.
I don't care. I'll do whatever
it takes to win over Trina.
How do I get to this woman? Come
on, give me precise directions, will ya?
Basically, you just saunter your ass into
the jungle. You'll run into her eventually.
All right, fine. That's
what I'm gonna do then.
Thank you, fellow crewmates, I'm off.
And when I return, I shall be a cabin man.
Mm!
[ Humming ]
SweetZeus, he's
off to meet Calli.
And they never,
ever saw him again.
- The end!
- [ Both Laughing ]
Whoo!
Wowser!
[ Grunting ]
You're doing it. You're
actually climbing a cliff.
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Sighing ]
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Nathanial. Be brave.
I will be, Nathanial. All right.
Let's go, Nathanial. Okay.
Hello.
Hello?
Howdy do?
Uh...
Oh.
What th...
Ooh-whee
-Ooh, ooh, ooh-whee
- Yeah. Ah...
- [ Clears Throat ]
- Oo-ooh, ooh-whee-ee
Mm, mm, mm
- Excuse me, miss, uh...
- Have mercy
- Who are you?
- I'm, uh, young Nathanial,
Uh, cabin boy of
The Filthy Whore,
and I, um...
See, Skunk said
that you were gonna...
Do not be
embarrassed, cabin boy.
I know why you are here.
Oh, you do? Great. Well,
that'll save us a lot of time.
Geez, you must spend
a fortune on mittens.
- [ Chuckling ]
- However, I cannot help you with your problem...
unless you answer the
three riddles of the island.
Oh, sure. That
sounds like fun. Hit me.
How does the moon
greet her daughters?
Yee... hoo.
[ Exhaling In Bursts,
Clicking Tongue ]
Well, ah, if she's a refined
lady, and I'm sure she is,
she may probably greet her
lassies with a gift of some sort.
Uh, maybe a box of peppermints
or some hair care products,
and then, you know, it's
off to the mall and lunch.
"Have fun girls, bye-bye."
That sort of thing.
[ Mocking Chuckle ]
Why don't you ask
me something hard?
What are the seven
contradictions of Zeripa,
watcher of the equator?
Oh, geez! [Taps
Bed ] I knew this too.
Oh, uh...
[ Muttering ] Oh, forget it. Uh, you really...
This one you got me completely stumped on.
I'm sorry. Does it have something
to do with the metric system?
Oh, forget it. This
is a waste of time.
Come on over here, honey. You've managed
to charm me with your moronic innocence.
- [ Needle Scratching Record ]
- Oh, great. Well, you know what I always say:
- [ Ballad ] Oh, baby
- It pays to be yourself. [ Chuckles ] Oh. Uh...
Come on, we've gotta finish before
my husband, Mulligan, comes home.
- Okay.
- Your love is super-sweet love
- One down, five to go. This could take all night.
- When you put it all...
- [ Chuckling ]
- Oh!
- [ Electrical Buzzing ]
- [ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Okay, you're gonna do that.
- Ooh. [Yelping ]
Ee! Oh, geez, that's
different, isn't it? Uh-huh.
These pipes...
are clean! [ Echoing ]
[ Chortling ]
Mm-hmm. And how.
[ Birds Chirping ]
- [ Gasps ]
- Hello, Trina.
What happened to you?
Well, let's just say I've
finally shed my feminine side
like a snake sheds its fur.
You look so strong... confident.
- Yeah. Mm-mm.
- Not nearly as idiotic.
- [ Pants ]
- I'm now going to show you everything I've been taught.
And I only pray that I'm not thrown
off by your lack of four additional arms.
Mm, mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
[ Footsteps Approaching,
Keys Rattling, Door Closing ]
Hi, honey. How was
your day at the shop?
Sweet of you to
call it a shop, Calli.
We both know it's just a
hole in the side of a mountain.
- Was business brisk?
- Brisk?
Not really. I sold one electric
toothbrush to a flyin' leprechaun.
Well, don't be
discouraged, dear.
I'm sure things will pick up
once word of mouth gets out.
[ Sighs Heavily ]
Who am I kidding?
It was a stupid idea to open up a
housewares store on this island.
I might as well go back to devourin'
wild boar and sleep on the beach.
Stop talking like that.
What the hell is this?
Uh, it's Linda's. She
must've left it here.
What are you talkin' about?
Your sister hasn't visited in months.
[ Sniffing ]
Frozen seafood.
There was a fisherman
here, wasn't there? Hmm?
[ Chuckling ] Of course not.
Where would you get that silly idea?
Huh? What do you call this?
Uh...
Damn it, woman! You promised me when we were
married, you'd quit helping lonely sailors.
You don't understand. It's boring
laying around this dump all day.
Least you have
a job to go off to.
Oh, no! I told you a long time ago,
no wife of mine is ever gonna work.
Where are you going?
I'm going to kick me
some sailor-boy ass.
Bring back bread.
Oh, it's beautiful
countryside, isn't it? [ Giggling ]
Kinda reminds me
of Long Island City.
Hey, where the
hell are they going?
Oh, wonderful! The boys must have fixed the
boat and they're taking it out for a test drive.
- Congrats, gents!
- Don't you understand?
Those idiots are leaving us
here. We're completely abandoned.
Trina, would you have a little faith in
mankind? They would never do that to me.
I've become one of
them. We've bonded.
Nathanial, how can
you be so naive?
Well, how can you just
stand there like that and just...
[ Thudding, Birds Squawking ]
Holy crap!
A little birdie inside my brain is
telling me that that's probably Mulligan.
He's found out about me and Calli, and now
he must think that I'm out there on the boat.
Can you see the question
mark above my head?
Yeah, well, it's a complicated
story. I'll fill you in on it later.
But right now, we have
to go help our friends.
Why? They left us here to
rot. I hope he kills 'em all.
- Kill! Kill! Destroy!
- Stop it. Trina, stop!
As your recently trained lover,
I'm ordering you to assist me.
Wow.
Nathanial, no man's ever talked to
me like that without eating my knuckles.
For some reason, when
you say it, I actually like it.
Oh, geez! Okay, okay, keep it in your
pants for five seconds, will ya, honey?
Come on, we're on an official
rescue mission here. Let's go.
Holy Christ in a dump truck!
Oh, Skunk? Mr. Expert?
Mr. Mythology Whiz,
what the hell is that?
I have no idea. Just
a big guy, I guess.
We gotta head him off before he gets his
grubby hands on The Filthy Whore! Move!
[ Pounding Fist ] Move! Move!
[ Groaning ]
- [ Snarling ]
- [ Groaning ]
- [ Roaring ]
- [ Screaming ]
Which one of you
scumbags diddled my wife?
Come on, mister, don't be sore at us. We
didn't diddle nobody, especially your wife.
If there's one thing I
hate, it's a wiseass.
[ Screaming ]
[ Gurgling, Yelling ]
[ Gasping ]
[ Clicking Tongue ]
Hurry, Trina! Faster, faster!
Come on. [ Clicking
Tongue ] Go, girl, go.
All right, Trina, I'll
take it from here.
[ Nathanial ] Ooh!
I stabbeth thee,
ye wretched giant...
shoe salesman-looking
creature! [ Grunting ]
- Hey!
- [ Chuckling ]
- [Yelping ]
- Now what should I do?
Kill you separately, or toss you in the boat
with your little friends and then sit on it?
No! It was me who made sweet love to your
receptive wife. The others are innocent.
Do you know what I do to guys who,
quote unquote, sleep with my wife?
Discuss your disappointment with
them over a cup of hot chocolate?
Close.
I cut their heads off
with a nail clipper. Huh!
[ Clipper Clicking ]
- Come here, you little rat bastard.
- Oh, uh...
Ya know, I think I'll
pass on that, um...
But I'd be happy to take
you up on a leg waxing.
Don't you guys have any guns or
anything? Can't we do something?
Yeah, look the other way.
This is gonna be gruesome.
[ Sinister Chuckling ]
Mm-mm.
Die!
- It's Chocki!
- I guess he's still got a soft spot for the kid after all.
[ Grunting, Mumbling ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Grunting, Groaning ]
Oh!
[ Grunting, Groaning Continues ]
[ Choking ]
Yes!
[ Grunting, Choking ]
Big dummy. Yeah!
Must come... down!
[ Groaning ]
Ow.
[ Groaning ]
[ Cheering ] That-a-boy!
I knew you'd do it.
Yes!
Yeah. [ Giddy Laughter ]
Ahmm-mm-mm-moo-baa! [ Laughing ]
Way to go, kid!
[ Catches Breath ]
Good-bye, sweet
Chocki. I shan't forget you.
Half man, half shark...
equals one complete gentleman.
-[ Captain ] Here you go. Help him up here. Come on.
-[ Skunk ] Atta boy.
[ Grunts ] Hi.
- Whoo!
- Yeah! Ha-ha!
Oh! I'm so proud
of you, Nathanial.
That was the most courageous and
bizarre thing I've ever seen. [ Giggling ]
You saved our lives,
kid. I knew ya had it in ya.
You're the best cabin boy ever,
you little monkey! [ Cackling ]
Not bad for a Jonah.
Here's a switch: You play and
we'll dance for you! [ Laughing ]
["The Alley Cat Song"]
[ Laughter Continues ]
Well, uh, I guess
I got everything.
What's wrong, pally? This ain't no time
to drag your ass. You got it made now.
I guess you'll be eatin' off of silver
slippers from here on out, hmm?
That's right. No more fish sticks
and chocolate milk for our cabin boy!
[ All Laughing ]
Fellas, I was just thinking. I'm sure my
daddy would give you all jobs at the hotel.
[ All Laughing ]
Come on, squirt. We're just a
bunch of old, broken-down fishermen.
All we know how to do is fish.
- And stink.
- Right.
But the sea is
part of me now too.
It courses through my veins and
through my organs and through my bladder.
Now, don't be silly, champ. Your place
is here with your papa. You know that.
You're a fancy lad and
you ought to be proud of it.
[ Sighs ]
My big Teddy. Thanks.
Yeah, see ya, kid. Go get yourself a couple
of high-priced Hawaiian whores for me, huh?
Okay.
Skunk.
Take care, kid.
- Paps.
- [ Mumbling ]
Paps, you've been like the drunken,
abusive grandfather I never had.
Ah, stop that. You'll have my
glass eye foggin' over. Here.
Oh, Cappy, you're the
hardest one to say good-bye to.
I felt closest to you
throughout all of this.
You're kind of like the scarecrow
in that classic children's story.
- The Wizard of Oz.
- No, I'm fairly certain it was The Great Gatsby.
Eh? Oh, uh... Good luck, Butch.
Fish sticks ain't gonna be the
same without ya. [ Sobbing ]
All right, don't, don't do that.
You're going to get me going.
- Get out! Get, get!
- Oh, I-I'm... Okay.
[ Sighing ]
Trina? Trina,
what's your problem?
What? Are you
drunk or something?
Nathanial...
it could never work out with us.
You have this whole fancy
life waiting for you here.
I can't be part of that.
[ Sighs ]
May I charter you a private
jet for your trip home?
No. Thanks, but I plan to swim
back right after I grab lunch.
Okay, a handshake. Well, uh,
a handshake's good, I guess.
Good-bye, Nathanial.
Good-bye, Trina.
Well, I'm off then.
Good-bye, everyone.
And... may your days be full
of mirth and good fortune.
[ All ] Bye.
Good-bye.
[ Man ] Look at you. Dirty,
shabby, common-looking.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You have the honor of being the
first Mayweather to smell a bit gamy.
I smell of the sea, and there's no
smell more honest or admirable.
Oh, my God! You're delirious!
Nathanial, what are
we going to do with you?
Where in the Savior's
name are you going?
This is for you!
Come back here, boy!
You're out of your mind.
[ Trina ] Nathanial?
Trina! Trina.
Oh, Trina, you're still here.
Yeah, I was just
about to head out.
My steak and eggs
are pretty well digested.
Listen to me. I wanna spend
the rest of my life with you at sea,
with the crew of The Filthy
Whore, like one big, happy,
pungent, mildly
dysfunctional family.
Are you sure this
is what you want?
Yeah! I am sure.
I've permanently yanked the
silver spoon from my mouth,
and I buried it 6,000 miles
beneath the Earth's crust.
I mean, figuratively
speaking, of course.
I mean, who could do such a
thing? That would be insane.
Oh, Nathanial.
Your words melt
like butter in my brain.
[ Birds Chirping ]
Come on, Trina.
We've got a boat to catch.
[ Blues ]
Ooh-whee
Ooh, ooh-whee-ee
Ooh-whee-ee
Mm-mm-mm
Ooh-ooh-ooh-whee
Ow
Ooh-ooh-ohh-whee
Ooh-whee