Cable Guy, The (1996) Movie Script
You looked at Ray and said,
"I want him to be my boyfriend, -
- but he's got to change. "
What are you talking about?
One of the things
that initiated a misunderstanding -
- was that one day,
I didn't want to have sex with him.
So he starts talking about
calling somebody else to do it.
Stop at $4,000!
You'd been drinking, and you thought
you were making love to me.
This differs from a normal massage.
- Jamie, I...
- No!
This television funny-man
killed his brother in cold blood.
My guests have crushes
on food service workers.
Mr. Davis, do you take
cream and sugar in your eye?
Do you want to tell them something?
I'm really a man.
Where's the cable guy?
Rick Legatos, please.
- Hey Rick, phone.
- How's the move going?
The cable guy is missing in action.
I hope he gets here before I die.
- You haven't called Robin?
- No. I'm giving her her space.
- I can't believe she's doing this.
- You shouldn't have proposed.
All she had to do was say no.
She didn't have to kick me out.
- Let's go!
- Just give me a minute!
Listen, a piece of advice...
Slip the cable guy $50, he'll give
you all the movie channels for free.
I'm not good at that stuff.
What if he says no?
None of them say no.
- I've got to go. Talk to you later.
- All right.
Hi, this is Robin Harris.
Steven doesn't live here anymore...
- Cable guy!
- Oh, great!
- Cable guy!
- Don't leave!
- Wait!
- Cable guy!
- I'm coming!
- Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Wait! Come back.
- Look who decided to show.
- You should have come hours ago.
Should I?
So, I'm the tardy one?
Yeah. I was going to the
bed-and-bath place. Now it's closed.
Maybe I shouldn't have come at all.
Jerk off!
I'm just joking with you.
The old McNair place! Never thought
they'd get the floors clean...
- What happened?
- They had a lot of cats.
- Please mail this in when I'm done.
- Does it go to your boss?
No, it goes to me.
I'm kind of a perfectioniss...
Perfectioniss... t.
Let's take a look.
This could be a cool pad.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Talk to me.
Tell me where you like it.
Hello, Mama.
Is this what you want?
Is this where you need it?
How about this?
That's your sweet spot, right there.
Your lady kicked you out.
What?
I noticed you were previously wired
at 12681 l2 Chestnut.
Last week, the billing
was transferred to one Robin Harris.
- Smells like heartbreak to me.
- I don't want to discuss that.
- Just install my cable, please.
- Suit yourself.
No sweat off my sack.
You might want to
put on a bathing suit.
You'll be channel surfing
in no time.
So ends day 54 of the trial
of former child star, Sam Sweet, -
- who has been accused of shooting
his brother Stan in cold blood.
The twins were stars of
the hit sitcom, "Double Trouble".
- Who broke this?
- He did it!
Life wasn't sweet
after their programme was cancelled.
Sam turned to petty larceny, -
- while his brother fell in with
the cult "Brotherhood of Friends".
I hope they fry this bastard.
What happened?
Your furniture and appliances were
causing problems with the reception.
- I moved a few things, okay?
- Yeah, I guess.
I just have some paperwork
for you to fill out.
It's a drag. You just get to know
somebody and then the job is done.
Sign here.
I feel good about this.
Hey, wait!
I have this friend,
and he gave his cable guy $50...
He got all the movie channels
for free. Did you ever hear of that?
- You mean illegal cable?
- Yeah...
- Who told you that?
- Forget it.
You're offering me a bribe.
That's illegal. You could be fined
up to $5,000 or go to jail.
No, I was just making conversation.
Forget it.
I'm just jerking your chain.
You are too easy. Wake up.
Smell the smelling salt.
I'll juice you up.
- One guy doing another guy a solid.
- That is so nice.
Well, you're a nice guy.
Many customers treat me like snot.
Here's my personal pager number.
- The company puts you on hold.
- Thanks. You'll get good marks.
Maybe I'll show you the satellite,
how this whole thing works.
- Sure, we should do that one day.
- How about tomorrow?
- Tomorrow's no good.
- You'll be stewing about your ex?
No.
- I crossed the line. Sorry.
- You didn't cross the line.
Cool! Pick you up at six-thirty.
There are 24 classrooms.
Each can be converted into a home.
There's a swimming pool,
tennis courts, a gym and a stage, -
- if the residents decide
they want to perform "Oklahoma".
- Oklahoma!
- It's available in foreclosure.
With a cash bid,
we can steal this thing.
Tough room, but you got them.
Are you having
a little domestic discord?
Robin and I are having difficulties.
I think it's only temporary.
If you screw this project up,
it's not going to be my ass.
- Do you know what I mean?
- I'm on it.
I'm more patient. I'm more loving.
They tell me this.
There's something in everyone's life
they could improve.
If they're doing well financially,
maybe their relationships suffer...
Call now, and you'll be rushed
the "Personal Power Success System."
Steven!
Stevie, time to leavie!
Come on down!
Are you waiting for an invitation?
It's the fun bus. Come on!
- How's it going?
- Hey, buddy!
I've had a few drinks,
so buckle up.
That's my humor.
Thanks for coming out.
Most people never take the time
to understand how the cable works.
- Where exactly are we going?
- To ride the information highway.
I come up here to think sometimes.
Clear my head.
Brace yourself.
There she is.
She's sending entertainment and
information to millions of citizens.
- That's pretty impressive.
- I knew you'd appreciate this.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their
television, phone and computer.
You'll be able to visit the Louvre,
or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play
video games with someone in Vietnam.
There's no end to the possibilities!
When I was a kid, my mom worked
nights. I never met my father.
- But the TV was always there.
- I know what you mean.
My dad might as well have been away.
That's tough. You must have
a lot of abandonment issues.
Reality isn't
"Father Knows Best" any more.
It's a kick in the face
with a steel-toe work boot, -
- and a trip to the hospital
for reconstructive surgery.
But what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?
My brother is a speech therapist.
So?
Never mind.
- You're pretty love-struck, huh?
- I miss her.
- I proposed, and she kicked me out.
- I hate that.
- She said I pressed too hard.
- Women are a labyrinth, my friend.
Can I be frank?
I don't think you listen to her.
You tell her what she wants to hear.
She wants you to thirst
for knowledge about who she is.
All the complicated splendor
that is woman.
When your love is truly giving,
it will come back to you tenfold.
You're right.
That's incredibly insightful.
It was Jerry Springer's
final thought on Friday's show.
Women love "Sleepless in Seattle."
It's on HBO this month.
- That's your bait.
- Robin loves that movie.
Tell her you're cooking yourself
dinner and watching it by yourself.
- She'll come running.
- Maybe I'll give it a try.
It's embarrassing,
I don't even know your name.
Do you really want to know my name?
You do?
It's Ernie Douglas.
But my friends call me Chip.
Goodbye.
This concludes our broadcast day.
Click.
I don't listen to you.
I pretend to understand.
I'm just saying
what I think you want to hear.
I'm interested in learning about the
complicated splendor that is you.
I can see that taking this time
might be good for us. I'm not mad.
- Sometimes time apart is healthy.
- You're right.
That's what I came here to say.
I have to get back to the office.
- What are you doing tomorrow?
- Cook dinner and watch a movie.
- "Sleepless in Seattle" is on TV.
- I love that movie.
Why don't you come by?
- Maybe I will.
- Whatever.
I'm Tabitha Soren.
Today in the Sam Sweet case, -
- the prosecution played the call
Sam made on the night of the murder.
Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.
Oh, my God.
My twin brother's been shot.
I think it was
an Asian gang or something!
I saw someone. He was speaking
another language. I'm pretty sure -
- it was Asian.
He had the same injury last year.
You guys play here too?
I thought I'd see if anybody
wanted to play round ball.
- Great. We need another man.
- Chip Douglas, my cable guy.
We met a week ago,
but I feel I've always known him.
That's sweet.
- Chip Douglas, you're on my team.
- No way.
- I'm on Steven's team.
- I'll switch teams. Let's play.
I've got to warm up!
I don't want to pull a hammy.
- Let's get it on.
- You any good?
You'll find out.
Check it.
Looks good.
Let's see what you got,
White Shadow.
Foul!
- That was a travel!
- Whatever you say, Chip!
I see.
We're playing prison rules, huh?
Feed me!
Steven, I'm open!
Feed me the rock!
Chip, over here!
I love this game.
- I guess we're done.
- Thanks for bringing your friend.
I never made a slam dunk before.
Thanks for the boost.
What are you doing?
- I'm just talking trash.
- You ruined the game.
Friends don't speak to each other
like that.
We're not friends.
I don't even know you.
- Let me buy you a Heineken.
- I'm going home.
I guess we'll talk later.
I have to do some stuff anyway.
You have 11 new messages.
Steven, it's Mom. Call me.
I'm still your mother, you know.
Steven, call your mother.
Hey, Steven. Give me a ring.
I'm at 555-4329.
I'm at a pay phone.
If you're there, pick up.
I'll be home later.
Okay, I'm home.
Give me a buzz when you get in.
It's me again. I was taking a whiz.
Thought you might have called.
We're having ourselves
a game of phone tag here.
I was just blow-drying my hair...
Thought I heard the phone ring.
I think your machine is...
- Hey, good to see you.
- You too.
- So how's work?
- Work's good.
- How's Hal?
- The guy has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo.
And those hair plugs...
He's just an utterly useless person.
I think I hate him.
- It's nice to see you doing well.
- It's nice just to see you.
Hey.
It should be on now.
Damn it.
The cable's out.
I know what to do.
The cable guy is a friend of mine.
I'm a preferred customer.
All I have to do is page him.
- Hi. Is there a problem?
- My cable's out.
Really?
So you called me.
Funny, how you call
when you need something.
- Is that how you treat people?
- I've been busy. Robin is here.
- This is important.
- But calling me back isn't?
I'm sorry.
Can you help me out?
Why should I help you?
I gave you free cable.
- What have you ever done for me?
- Anything you want.
- Tomorrow night we hang out.
- Fine, anything you want.
God bless you.
You're too good to me.
All set!
- What's with the cut cord?
- That's for effect. Until tomorrow.
She's pretty. Don't kiss her.
Don't even touch her.
Resist the urge at all costs.
It'll pay off in the end.
See what I'm saying?
Enjoy the flick.
That was fast.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. Don't I look fine?
That isn't how it's done.
I'd rather just see somebody I like.
Get a feeling about them,
and ask them if they'd like a drink.
- Or a slice of pizza?
- Does it still work this way?
- It doesn't. They ask you.
- I'm starting to notice that.
If you get a new wife,
do you get to have sex with her?
- I certainly hope so.
- Will she scratch up your back?
What?
In movies, women always scratch
the man when they're having sex.
- How do you know this?
- Jed's got cable.
- Mommy's got to go out now.
- When will I get a brother?
That's why Mommy is going out.
Just sit there with Mr. Babysitter
and he'll take good care of you.
Don't sit so close to that thing.
It's going to rot your brain.
- Why didn't you take my call?
- I can't always pick up the phone.
Your nostrils flare
when you're mad.
Sorry about yesterday.
How did everything go with you?
- Keep them closed!
- Pretty well. The other night...
I want this to be a surprise.
- Where are we going?
- The finest restaurant in town.
Open... sesame.
Medieval Times?
I knew you'd like it.
I come twice a week.
I'm your serving wench, Melinda.
Care for something from the barkeep?
Dost thust have thou a mug of ale?
Me mate here, pitched in battle for
a fortnight, has a king's thirst.
- I'll be right back, My Lord.
- My thanks to ye, fair wench.
Thanks.
- Look, I have to tell you...
- Hold that thought. Show's on.
Welcome to a magnificent journey...
into the past.
This is Medieval Times!
Are you prepared for a night
of feasting and sport -
- the likes of which
you'll never forget?
Stand up and cheer
for your section's knight!
Let the games begin!
The blue knight rules!
The red knight sucks the big one!
You're going down, red knight!
Going down, down, down!
Red knight going down!
Smite him!
- Could I get a knife and fork?
- There were none in medieval times.
- More Pepsi?
- There was Pepsi, but no utensils?
I've got a lot of tables.
Can I have your skin?
Check this out.
"Silence of the Lambs."
Hello, Clarice.
It's good to see you again.
This has nothing to do with you
as a person...
We have reached the climax
of our competition.
Two noblemen from our audience
will battle to the death.
Master Steven Kovacs and Lord Chip,
come to the fighting pit!
- Let's go.
- What's going on?
- We're going to do battle.
- Is this a normal part of the show?
No, but I give all the knights
free cable.
- Is it safe?
- Yes! That's what the armor's for!
We have to be careful
not to hurt each other, right?
I cannot listen to you,
for you are my sworn enemy.
Just take it easy, all right?
Nice move.
Necessity...
is the mother of invention.
Come back...
so that I may brain thee!
My leg!
I have a cramp!
Are you all right?
I am now.
Oh my God!
That's the spirit!
Let's give them a show!
I'm blinded! My eyes!
I don't believe you.
It's another trick.
So that's how it's going to be?
You want to play rough?
Daddy can play rough!
This is like when Spock fought Kirk.
Best friends forced to do battle.
Chip, this isn't funny!
Stop it!
The name is Spock. If we don't fight
to the death, they'll kill us both.
This isn't "Star Trek".
Goodbye, Jim.
Good fight.
Keep eating!
Quickly! Muster atop your steed.
Get on the friggin' horse.
I don't think he's kidding.
- Don't do this!
- Good luck to you!
- This is our destiny!
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
- No, it isn't!
Are you all right?
Well done, good sir.
You are the victor.
But we will meet again.
Did you hear that?
- You have a warrior's instinct.
- I had a real feeling of power.
If Robin had seen you,
she'd be begging you to come back.
These knights get laid all the time!
We should go again next week.
- You have no messages.
- Nobody loves you.
I left something in the living room.
Will you check it out for me?
Just a little piece of equipment.
- What do you think?
- What is all this?
It appears as if someone has updated
your home entertainment system.
I got you the big-screen TV,
deluxe karaoke machine -
- and THX quality sound that would
make George Lucas cream his pants.
- You got in here when I was out?
- How else could I get the stuff in?
- How much did all of this cost?
- Practically nothing.
I have a connection.
I hook him up, he hooks me up.
- I can't accept this.
- Why not?
You give me something more valuable.
Friendship.
You give me friendship. We're even.
You have to take this stuff back.
- Can I leave it here till Saturday.
- Sure. No problem.
Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven
doesn't live here any more...
Hey, it's Steven.
I'm still trying to reach you...
I'm at the office. Call me.
- How's it going?
- Good.
Good.
Keep it up. It's your ass.
It's Robin on line two.
I had the best time the other night.
When will I see you again?
- How about tomorrow?
- Chip!
I knew I'd get you
on the phone that way.
Let's break the cherry
on that karaoke machine.
- What does that mean?
- Karaoke jam. No ifs, ands or buts.
Maybe a few buts.
Big ones!
You're going on a date?
We're not officially back together.
And you said time apart is good.
Yes. Time apart from each other,
but not with other people.
That's time with someone else.
- I love you, but I have to go. Bye.
- Bye.
This is just a sign
that you need to live a little.
- She's having fun. You should, too.
- Maybe you're right.
- I got you a little something.
- You said we were even.
You're breaking the rules.
What is it?
LOOSE YOUR LISP
IN 30 DAYS
My brother thought
it might help you.
- This is... There's no words...
- It's no big deal.
Yes, it is!
It is to me.
Now I'm on a mission.
This is going to be
the best damn karaoke jam ever.
We're really bopping!
- You have some nice friends.
- They're just preferred customers.
Chick alert, two o'clock.
What a licorice!
- Don't look.
- You're just playing with me.
- She's all over you.
- Shut up.
I'd strike while the iron is hot.
He who hesitates, masturbates.
Go.
- Hey. I'm Steven.
- Heather.
- Can I get you a beer?
- How about a tequila?
Hi, Rick.
That'll be a good one.
- Glad you accepted my invitation.
- Steven invited me.
He's having a super time.
He's changing. You'll have to learn
to live with that.
I don't know what your story is,
but I'm going to find out.
Don't dig too deep. You might
get burned by the molten lava.
I'm out of here.
Thank you.
The soothing sounds of Raoul,
ladies and gentlemen.
- You had honey in your voice.
- Do a song for us.
No, I couldn't.
All right, already!
I fought the law, and the law won.
Jefferson Airplane performed
this song in "Gimme Shelter", -
- a film about how the Hell's Angels
had their way at a Stones concert.
Tonight... it's my turn.
- What do you do?
- Can we talk in the other room?
We just had a baby born
at the party.
We need an ambulance
over by the scaffolding.
Shut the door!
It's the summer of love, baby.
Let's leave these two alone.
Smile!
That's going to be a good one.
Good morning,
and how are we today?
I borrowed this sweatshirt.
Bacon and eggs, coming up.
- Where did Heather go?
- She left early this morning.
You cad.
- What a night. Just what I needed.
- I'll tell you something.
You look like a new man.
I was getting so used to rejection.
I really liked her.
It was my treat.
- What do you mean?
- You can buy next time.
- Don't let your eggs get cold.
- Buy what?
What do you mean, buy what?
The women.
Do you mean
that Heather is a prostitute?
Of course. We couldn't get
a woman like that without paying.
This can't be happening.
It's okay. She's totally clean.
I checked her out about a week ago.
To make sure she was good. And I'm
healthy as a horse... Not a drip.
- Would you like some juice?
- You're kidding. She's your friend.
- I wish I had friends like that.
- Get out of my house!
She was a working girl,
but she liked you.
You might even have got a freebie.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Robin will never forgive me.
Don't tell her.
I'll help you get her back.
I want you out of my apartment.
And get this stuff out of here.
Why are you doing this?
You're sabotaging yourself.
Out! Now!
Everything was going so well.
I made you breakfast,
and we were eating...
Out!
I'll fix this.
I can make it cool again.
This is just a speed bump!
- May I help you?
- No. I'm meeting someone here.
I apologize about last night.
I came home and I just fell asleep.
Most appreciated.
Gail tells me
you're coming out of a relationship.
- We're in a holding pattern.
- A holding pattern?
You need to come down and refuel.
You're sexy.
You've been working hard.
Take a break.
Excuse me.
What's the story with our chicken?
Have the eggs had a chance to hatch?
Maybe you can go check on it for me.
I'm sorry to put you out.
Unbelievable.
I'm hysterical now.
What were we talking about?
- What's your job like?
- It's a little crazy right now...
Wait. I need to use the head.
I want to find out about your job.
What's with the chicken?
- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
- Good evening, sir.
- Hey, stretch.
- Pleasant night, isn't it?
- Yeah, not too bad.
The weather is always nice in here.
The winters are remarkably mild!
- If you need anything, let me know!
- I got it under control!
- Unbelievable.
- It's no trouble.
What is your?
People rarely take advantage of
my services. I'll help you wash up.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
You're on a big date.
You'll need to look your best.
That'll take care of the shine.
Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!
She loves me, she loves me not.
She loves me...
...she loves me not.
A little Jose Eber...
A touch of Alfalfa...
We're ready to dry you off!
Right into the buckle.
That's got to hurt!
Suck the air.
You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.
Don't worry about the tip.
But I've got one for you.
Stay away from Robin.
She's taken.
A man was beaten in a restroom
by a bathroom attendant.
The victim is unable to speak, but
witnesses described the assailant.
Tonight on UPN: The trial
that has captured the nation.
Everyone awaits the verdict,
but we're showing the movie now.
- Cry - baby.
- I love you.
- No, Sammy!
- Look who's crying now.
Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet
in "Brother Sweet Brother".
Parental discretion advised.
- Who is it?
- It's the cable guy!
My cable's fine.
I have an upgrade order
for one Robin Harris.
I didn't order that.
I guess you have a secret admirer.
- Is it a man named Steven?
- I can't say.
I promised Steven I wouldn't say.
Oh, look what I've done.
- You didn't hear it from me.
- Hold on.
- Male witches are the worst kind.
- He's not a witch.
That about does it.
My work is done.
That was hot up there.
- Are you a friend of Steven's?
- I'm proud to say that I am.
I recently installed his cable
and we just hit it off.
- Are you guys going out a lot?
- Not really.
That guy is devoted to you.
I shouldn't be telling you this...
...but he thinks
you're the cat's pajamas.
Did he say that?
Only every five minutes.
Frankly I'm sick of hearing it.
He's a good man.
He mentioned
that you've had some problems.
- It's a little complicated.
- It always is.
I asked a woman to marry me once.
She wanted to think about it.
We agreed to take some time apart.
You know...
give each other space.
She's no longer with us.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes you don't know
what you've got till it's gone.
Promise me you'll never
go bungee jumping in Mexico.
- I promise.
- Anyway...
I've said too much.
Thank you.
Cherish him, Robin.
Every hair on his head.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
- I love you.
Robin?
I love you, too.
That was so sweet of you.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I... I wanted to.
Giving me free cable. Only you
would do something like that.
I wanted to do something for you,
but you needed space, so...
Let's not make any more rules.
- Call me later if you're around.
- Sure, as soon as I get home.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Are you ready to rock?
- The concert. Oh, Jesus.
I think Robin and I
are getting back together.
So you're blowing me off again.
I won't put up with it any more.
- Can't you ask someone else to go?
- Maybe I'll take my cable guy.
I'll call you later...
Pretty smooth work.
I set them up, you knock them down.
- What?
- Robin. I got her back for you.
- How do you know about us?
- Free cable's an aphrodisiac.
- Don't mess around with my life.
- I wanted to make things up to you.
Do you want to catch a flick?
I appreciate
you helping me out with Robin.
Now I'll have to work extra hard
not to screw things up again.
You're a nice guy, but I just
don't have time for a new friend.
- What are you trying to say?
- I don't want to be your friend.
I appreciate your honesty.
You're a straight shooter.
- So you're all right?
- I'm a big boy.
It's no big deal.
Whatever.
- You're sure?
- Uh-huh. I'm fine.
- Robin Harris.
- Hey, it's Chip Douglas.
- Chip Douglas?
- The cable guy.
- What's up?
- I'm worried about Steven.
- What is it?
- He doesn't seem like himself.
- Have you noticed anything?
- No. Things are going really well.
Good.
That makes me feel better.
- Should I be worried?
- No. Maybe I'm being too nervous.
Let's just keep our eyes open.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Stevie, you did it, man.
You put our cajones on the table
and you slam-dunked it.
Way to go. Now they'll probably
give him my job.
- On to the next order of business.
- Steven, I need to talk to you.
We have to find an architect.
- I need to talk to you.
- It shall wait.
- Is there a Steven Kovacs here?
- Yeah. What's the problem?
You're under arrest
for receiving stolen property.
- I don't know anything about this.
- Do not speak until spoken to.
You have the right to remain silent.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- I didn't accept any stolen goods.
Deluxe karaoke machine.
Big - screen TV...
Cream his pants...
I can't believe you did this.
He gave you a big-screen TV
and a hi-fi system as a present?
- I swear it's true.
- Why would you accept such gifts?
- I don't know.
- What's going on? Are you on pot?
I didn't do anything!
Just call my cable guy.
Nobody named Chip Douglas
works for the cable company.
- This can't be happening.
- It's killing your mother.
- When can you get me out?
- There'll be no bail hearing today.
You have to spend the weekend here.
Look at the pretty boy!
They call me the pumper.
I'll be your friend.
Lock down!
You hear anything?
I came as soon as I could.
- What's your real name?
- Larry Tate. That's not important.
We have to get you out of here.
I was watching Court TV.
I'll talk to the judge.
I'll put the system on trial!
- Why are you doing this to me?
- You did this to you.
- You set me up.
- No. I taught you a lesson.
I can be your friend or your enemy.
You seem to prefer the latter.
I'm just here to comfort you.
Touch it.
You need human contact.
I will not touch it.
- What are you doing?
- I know how you're feeling!
- Don't do that.
- I'm here for you!
Don't do that! You'll get me killed!
Oh, Billy.
I'm just messing with you.
Remember "Midnight Express"?
Oliver Stone won an Academy Award.
Awesome scene.
This is the man who framed me!
Hey Bernie,
how's that sports package?
Don't worry about Robin.
I'll take care of her.
- If you go near her, I'll kill you.
- That's it. Let's go!
This concludes our broadcast day.
Click.
- You've been blowing me off.
- This guy's doing a number on me.
- I told you to stay away from him.
- You said I could get free cable.
Did I tell you
to have a karaoke jam with him?
I'm out on bail.
I'll see if I can track him down.
What was his name?
Larry Tate. But at first he said
his name was Chip Douglas.
Chip Douglas?
That sounds familiar.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- You're not fine.
- I just want to get this over with.
I hate visiting my parents.
Is this guy cool?
Just joking. Come in, you psycho.
- What is he doing here?
- I invited him.
- I invited him at lunch.
- At lunch?
- You look great.
- And you are a vision.
- You look rested.
- Come here.
- What's wrong? You seem weird.
- You had me sent to jail.
- I should take you to the police.
- You can if you like.
But I'd hate
to have to show Robin this.
- Bastard!
- Let's just have a good time.
Steven is carrying his battle axe
and chasing me...
So I say, "Hey, it's just a show!"
- He takes things too seriously.
- The guy almost took my head off.
Did never played Porno Password?
It's the adult version of the show.
Robin, you're on my team.
Steven... you're with Mom.
You're the judges.
Pick a word.
The password is...
Vagina.
- I really don't want to play.
- Come on, Steven.
Woman.
- Woman.
- Man?
Penis.
Penis.
- Penis.
- Vagina.
She got vagina!
- I would have said "schlong".
- Now we're starting to get this!
The password is...
Nipple.
- Can I pass?
- Don't be a stick in the mud!
Breast.
Breast.
Tit?
Remember his clue.
Hard.
- Erection?
- No. But thanks for noticing.
- Your turn!
- Center.
Center.
- Center!
- Nipple?
- She got it!
- Mom.
The password is...
I'm not sure how to say this.
That little thing...
- I can't say that to my mother.
- She can handle it.
I won't do it. I've had enough!
- It's just skin, Steven.
- I don't want to do it any more!
- You're overreacting.
- No! He's fooling you all.
- He's a lunatic and a felon.
- Everybody just relax.
- We knew this would happen.
- Nothing is happening!
This is a safe place.
You're with people who love you.
- We love you.
- I hate you! Get out of my life!
- He's angry with me. I should go.
- No.
- You are being an asshole.
- Do you see what's happening?
- You're hitting bottom.
- Stay away.
This is where the healing begins.
Come on.
Robin showed me her birthmark.
It's very sexy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Thanks for the delightful evening.
I guess I'll be leaving now.
I forgive you. I only hope
my neurologist will feel the same.
- Did anybody notice I'm late?
- You've been here for an hour.
- Did anybody notice I'm late?
- You've been here for an hour.
HELLO STEVEN
I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU
- How's Hal?
- The man has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo.
If only someone would dump him.
And those hair plugs...
- Hair plugs. Hair plugs...
- Oh, shit.
He's so pathetic.
I think I hate him. Hate him...
If only someone would dump him.
I... I don't hate you.
- Those hair plugs.
- Get out!
Chip!
This isn't funny!
Where are you?
If you build it, he will come.
- Hello?
- Bingo! "My Three Sons".
- Chip and Ernie Douglas.
- I have a list of ex-cable men.
Murray Slaughter.
George Jetson. Jean Luc Picard.
- Someone called the Big Ragoo.
- Carmine, from "Laverne & Shirley".
Anyway, the cable company in town
fired a guy six months ago.
His boss was Larry Tate,
from a show called "Bewitched".
- He's not with the cable company?
- Yahtzee!
They fired him for stalking
customers. You better lock up tight.
In the Sam Sweet Trial,
the jury is close to a verdict.
They will continue deliberating
into the evening hours.
The day started real nice,
but now the moisture is increasing.
We see thunderstorms...
Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Jesucristo!
Cable guy!
Okay, I'm going!
See you! Bye.
I just want to hang out!
No big deal!
- Hello?
- We could have been blood brothers.
But you're too needy.
It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.
The cable company fired you.
Hold on.
I have a call waiting.
- I know it's you.
- Sorry. Where was I?
- Can't we work this out?
- I wish we could.
- I'm just so tired, Steven.
- Where are you?
I'd love to chat, but I'm
getting together with a lady friend.
- You might know her.
- Stay away from her!
- Robin!
- She just left with the cable guy!
Where were they going?
I heard him say they were taking
a ride on the information highway.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their
television, phone and computer!
You'll be able to visit the Louvre,
or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play
video games with someone in Vietnam.
I want to go home now.
I'm worried about Steven.
- Help!
- Robin!
Where are you?
- Steven!
- I'm coming!
- Help me!
- Hang on!
- Steven, look out!
- Yes, Steven! Look out!
"Dry land is not a myth!"
Kevin Costner, "Waterworld".
- Leave him alone!
- I saw that movie six times!
Isn't it funny
that we ended up like this?
You'll have to do
better than that, Steven.
My lisp is gone!
You stupid son-of-a-bitch.
- Stop it! Steven!
- I'm coming!
The trouble with real life is,
there's no danger music.
Nice jump, Spiderman!
Steven called the fuzz!
Bad boys,
what you gonna do?
Skooch over just a tad.
Here comes our hero.
- It didn't have to be this way.
- What are you planning to do?
I don't really have a plan.
I'm going moment to moment now.
You have to admit,
it's a cool place for an ending.
- An ending to what?
- It's like "Golden Eye".
This isn't a movie!
This is reality!
This is the police! You're
trespassing in a restricted area!
I just wanted to be your friend...
...but I screwed it up.
- You are in a high - voltage area!
- What's that?
Come again?
You want me to quiet down
and chill out in front of the TV?
You were never there for me,
were you, Mother?
You expected Mike and Carol Brady
to raise me.
I'm the bastard son of Claire
Huxtable! I'm the lost Cunningham!
I learned the facts of life...
from watching "The Facts of Life"!
That's it.
That's what I have to do!
No. Don't do that!
- Let's go out and have a Heineken.
- Yeah!
I'm not thirsty any more.
See ya.
You're not going anywhere!
It's okay!
I understand my purpose now!
Don't do this. You just need help.
We all get lonely.
But I get really lonely.
Look at me!
- I'll be your pal. Just come on up!
- No. It's too late for me.
But there are a lot of cable boys
and girls who still have a chance!
Don't you understand, Steven?
Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
This is the moment we've been
waiting for. The jury is ready...
The jury has notified the judge
that they've reached a verdict.
- The moment of truth...
- Jacob Sweet has been found...
Help.
Preferred customer, my ass!
Squad 51. Man down.
Possible back injury.
We'll need an IV with D-5-W.
Check vital signs.
Prepare to defibrillate!
Wait!
You two will be just fine.
Take care of him, Robin.
He's good people.
You never told me your real name.
You still want to know my name?
It's... Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo.
I'm just messing with you.
Let's go home.
Hang in there, pal!
You're going to make it, buddy!
- Am I really your buddy?
- Yeah, sure you are!
"I want him to be my boyfriend, -
- but he's got to change. "
What are you talking about?
One of the things
that initiated a misunderstanding -
- was that one day,
I didn't want to have sex with him.
So he starts talking about
calling somebody else to do it.
Stop at $4,000!
You'd been drinking, and you thought
you were making love to me.
This differs from a normal massage.
- Jamie, I...
- No!
This television funny-man
killed his brother in cold blood.
My guests have crushes
on food service workers.
Mr. Davis, do you take
cream and sugar in your eye?
Do you want to tell them something?
I'm really a man.
Where's the cable guy?
Rick Legatos, please.
- Hey Rick, phone.
- How's the move going?
The cable guy is missing in action.
I hope he gets here before I die.
- You haven't called Robin?
- No. I'm giving her her space.
- I can't believe she's doing this.
- You shouldn't have proposed.
All she had to do was say no.
She didn't have to kick me out.
- Let's go!
- Just give me a minute!
Listen, a piece of advice...
Slip the cable guy $50, he'll give
you all the movie channels for free.
I'm not good at that stuff.
What if he says no?
None of them say no.
- I've got to go. Talk to you later.
- All right.
Hi, this is Robin Harris.
Steven doesn't live here anymore...
- Cable guy!
- Oh, great!
- Cable guy!
- Don't leave!
- Wait!
- Cable guy!
- I'm coming!
- Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Wait! Come back.
- Look who decided to show.
- You should have come hours ago.
Should I?
So, I'm the tardy one?
Yeah. I was going to the
bed-and-bath place. Now it's closed.
Maybe I shouldn't have come at all.
Jerk off!
I'm just joking with you.
The old McNair place! Never thought
they'd get the floors clean...
- What happened?
- They had a lot of cats.
- Please mail this in when I'm done.
- Does it go to your boss?
No, it goes to me.
I'm kind of a perfectioniss...
Perfectioniss... t.
Let's take a look.
This could be a cool pad.
Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.
Talk to me.
Tell me where you like it.
Hello, Mama.
Is this what you want?
Is this where you need it?
How about this?
That's your sweet spot, right there.
Your lady kicked you out.
What?
I noticed you were previously wired
at 12681 l2 Chestnut.
Last week, the billing
was transferred to one Robin Harris.
- Smells like heartbreak to me.
- I don't want to discuss that.
- Just install my cable, please.
- Suit yourself.
No sweat off my sack.
You might want to
put on a bathing suit.
You'll be channel surfing
in no time.
So ends day 54 of the trial
of former child star, Sam Sweet, -
- who has been accused of shooting
his brother Stan in cold blood.
The twins were stars of
the hit sitcom, "Double Trouble".
- Who broke this?
- He did it!
Life wasn't sweet
after their programme was cancelled.
Sam turned to petty larceny, -
- while his brother fell in with
the cult "Brotherhood of Friends".
I hope they fry this bastard.
What happened?
Your furniture and appliances were
causing problems with the reception.
- I moved a few things, okay?
- Yeah, I guess.
I just have some paperwork
for you to fill out.
It's a drag. You just get to know
somebody and then the job is done.
Sign here.
I feel good about this.
Hey, wait!
I have this friend,
and he gave his cable guy $50...
He got all the movie channels
for free. Did you ever hear of that?
- You mean illegal cable?
- Yeah...
- Who told you that?
- Forget it.
You're offering me a bribe.
That's illegal. You could be fined
up to $5,000 or go to jail.
No, I was just making conversation.
Forget it.
I'm just jerking your chain.
You are too easy. Wake up.
Smell the smelling salt.
I'll juice you up.
- One guy doing another guy a solid.
- That is so nice.
Well, you're a nice guy.
Many customers treat me like snot.
Here's my personal pager number.
- The company puts you on hold.
- Thanks. You'll get good marks.
Maybe I'll show you the satellite,
how this whole thing works.
- Sure, we should do that one day.
- How about tomorrow?
- Tomorrow's no good.
- You'll be stewing about your ex?
No.
- I crossed the line. Sorry.
- You didn't cross the line.
Cool! Pick you up at six-thirty.
There are 24 classrooms.
Each can be converted into a home.
There's a swimming pool,
tennis courts, a gym and a stage, -
- if the residents decide
they want to perform "Oklahoma".
- Oklahoma!
- It's available in foreclosure.
With a cash bid,
we can steal this thing.
Tough room, but you got them.
Are you having
a little domestic discord?
Robin and I are having difficulties.
I think it's only temporary.
If you screw this project up,
it's not going to be my ass.
- Do you know what I mean?
- I'm on it.
I'm more patient. I'm more loving.
They tell me this.
There's something in everyone's life
they could improve.
If they're doing well financially,
maybe their relationships suffer...
Call now, and you'll be rushed
the "Personal Power Success System."
Steven!
Stevie, time to leavie!
Come on down!
Are you waiting for an invitation?
It's the fun bus. Come on!
- How's it going?
- Hey, buddy!
I've had a few drinks,
so buckle up.
That's my humor.
Thanks for coming out.
Most people never take the time
to understand how the cable works.
- Where exactly are we going?
- To ride the information highway.
I come up here to think sometimes.
Clear my head.
Brace yourself.
There she is.
She's sending entertainment and
information to millions of citizens.
- That's pretty impressive.
- I knew you'd appreciate this.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their
television, phone and computer.
You'll be able to visit the Louvre,
or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play
video games with someone in Vietnam.
There's no end to the possibilities!
When I was a kid, my mom worked
nights. I never met my father.
- But the TV was always there.
- I know what you mean.
My dad might as well have been away.
That's tough. You must have
a lot of abandonment issues.
Reality isn't
"Father Knows Best" any more.
It's a kick in the face
with a steel-toe work boot, -
- and a trip to the hospital
for reconstructive surgery.
But what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?
My brother is a speech therapist.
So?
Never mind.
- You're pretty love-struck, huh?
- I miss her.
- I proposed, and she kicked me out.
- I hate that.
- She said I pressed too hard.
- Women are a labyrinth, my friend.
Can I be frank?
I don't think you listen to her.
You tell her what she wants to hear.
She wants you to thirst
for knowledge about who she is.
All the complicated splendor
that is woman.
When your love is truly giving,
it will come back to you tenfold.
You're right.
That's incredibly insightful.
It was Jerry Springer's
final thought on Friday's show.
Women love "Sleepless in Seattle."
It's on HBO this month.
- That's your bait.
- Robin loves that movie.
Tell her you're cooking yourself
dinner and watching it by yourself.
- She'll come running.
- Maybe I'll give it a try.
It's embarrassing,
I don't even know your name.
Do you really want to know my name?
You do?
It's Ernie Douglas.
But my friends call me Chip.
Goodbye.
This concludes our broadcast day.
Click.
I don't listen to you.
I pretend to understand.
I'm just saying
what I think you want to hear.
I'm interested in learning about the
complicated splendor that is you.
I can see that taking this time
might be good for us. I'm not mad.
- Sometimes time apart is healthy.
- You're right.
That's what I came here to say.
I have to get back to the office.
- What are you doing tomorrow?
- Cook dinner and watch a movie.
- "Sleepless in Seattle" is on TV.
- I love that movie.
Why don't you come by?
- Maybe I will.
- Whatever.
I'm Tabitha Soren.
Today in the Sam Sweet case, -
- the prosecution played the call
Sam made on the night of the murder.
Mr. Sweet confessed one month later.
Oh, my God.
My twin brother's been shot.
I think it was
an Asian gang or something!
I saw someone. He was speaking
another language. I'm pretty sure -
- it was Asian.
He had the same injury last year.
You guys play here too?
I thought I'd see if anybody
wanted to play round ball.
- Great. We need another man.
- Chip Douglas, my cable guy.
We met a week ago,
but I feel I've always known him.
That's sweet.
- Chip Douglas, you're on my team.
- No way.
- I'm on Steven's team.
- I'll switch teams. Let's play.
I've got to warm up!
I don't want to pull a hammy.
- Let's get it on.
- You any good?
You'll find out.
Check it.
Looks good.
Let's see what you got,
White Shadow.
Foul!
- That was a travel!
- Whatever you say, Chip!
I see.
We're playing prison rules, huh?
Feed me!
Steven, I'm open!
Feed me the rock!
Chip, over here!
I love this game.
- I guess we're done.
- Thanks for bringing your friend.
I never made a slam dunk before.
Thanks for the boost.
What are you doing?
- I'm just talking trash.
- You ruined the game.
Friends don't speak to each other
like that.
We're not friends.
I don't even know you.
- Let me buy you a Heineken.
- I'm going home.
I guess we'll talk later.
I have to do some stuff anyway.
You have 11 new messages.
Steven, it's Mom. Call me.
I'm still your mother, you know.
Steven, call your mother.
Hey, Steven. Give me a ring.
I'm at 555-4329.
I'm at a pay phone.
If you're there, pick up.
I'll be home later.
Okay, I'm home.
Give me a buzz when you get in.
It's me again. I was taking a whiz.
Thought you might have called.
We're having ourselves
a game of phone tag here.
I was just blow-drying my hair...
Thought I heard the phone ring.
I think your machine is...
- Hey, good to see you.
- You too.
- So how's work?
- Work's good.
- How's Hal?
- The guy has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo.
And those hair plugs...
He's just an utterly useless person.
I think I hate him.
- It's nice to see you doing well.
- It's nice just to see you.
Hey.
It should be on now.
Damn it.
The cable's out.
I know what to do.
The cable guy is a friend of mine.
I'm a preferred customer.
All I have to do is page him.
- Hi. Is there a problem?
- My cable's out.
Really?
So you called me.
Funny, how you call
when you need something.
- Is that how you treat people?
- I've been busy. Robin is here.
- This is important.
- But calling me back isn't?
I'm sorry.
Can you help me out?
Why should I help you?
I gave you free cable.
- What have you ever done for me?
- Anything you want.
- Tomorrow night we hang out.
- Fine, anything you want.
God bless you.
You're too good to me.
All set!
- What's with the cut cord?
- That's for effect. Until tomorrow.
She's pretty. Don't kiss her.
Don't even touch her.
Resist the urge at all costs.
It'll pay off in the end.
See what I'm saying?
Enjoy the flick.
That was fast.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. Don't I look fine?
That isn't how it's done.
I'd rather just see somebody I like.
Get a feeling about them,
and ask them if they'd like a drink.
- Or a slice of pizza?
- Does it still work this way?
- It doesn't. They ask you.
- I'm starting to notice that.
If you get a new wife,
do you get to have sex with her?
- I certainly hope so.
- Will she scratch up your back?
What?
In movies, women always scratch
the man when they're having sex.
- How do you know this?
- Jed's got cable.
- Mommy's got to go out now.
- When will I get a brother?
That's why Mommy is going out.
Just sit there with Mr. Babysitter
and he'll take good care of you.
Don't sit so close to that thing.
It's going to rot your brain.
- Why didn't you take my call?
- I can't always pick up the phone.
Your nostrils flare
when you're mad.
Sorry about yesterday.
How did everything go with you?
- Keep them closed!
- Pretty well. The other night...
I want this to be a surprise.
- Where are we going?
- The finest restaurant in town.
Open... sesame.
Medieval Times?
I knew you'd like it.
I come twice a week.
I'm your serving wench, Melinda.
Care for something from the barkeep?
Dost thust have thou a mug of ale?
Me mate here, pitched in battle for
a fortnight, has a king's thirst.
- I'll be right back, My Lord.
- My thanks to ye, fair wench.
Thanks.
- Look, I have to tell you...
- Hold that thought. Show's on.
Welcome to a magnificent journey...
into the past.
This is Medieval Times!
Are you prepared for a night
of feasting and sport -
- the likes of which
you'll never forget?
Stand up and cheer
for your section's knight!
Let the games begin!
The blue knight rules!
The red knight sucks the big one!
You're going down, red knight!
Going down, down, down!
Red knight going down!
Smite him!
- Could I get a knife and fork?
- There were none in medieval times.
- More Pepsi?
- There was Pepsi, but no utensils?
I've got a lot of tables.
Can I have your skin?
Check this out.
"Silence of the Lambs."
Hello, Clarice.
It's good to see you again.
This has nothing to do with you
as a person...
We have reached the climax
of our competition.
Two noblemen from our audience
will battle to the death.
Master Steven Kovacs and Lord Chip,
come to the fighting pit!
- Let's go.
- What's going on?
- We're going to do battle.
- Is this a normal part of the show?
No, but I give all the knights
free cable.
- Is it safe?
- Yes! That's what the armor's for!
We have to be careful
not to hurt each other, right?
I cannot listen to you,
for you are my sworn enemy.
Just take it easy, all right?
Nice move.
Necessity...
is the mother of invention.
Come back...
so that I may brain thee!
My leg!
I have a cramp!
Are you all right?
I am now.
Oh my God!
That's the spirit!
Let's give them a show!
I'm blinded! My eyes!
I don't believe you.
It's another trick.
So that's how it's going to be?
You want to play rough?
Daddy can play rough!
This is like when Spock fought Kirk.
Best friends forced to do battle.
Chip, this isn't funny!
Stop it!
The name is Spock. If we don't fight
to the death, they'll kill us both.
This isn't "Star Trek".
Goodbye, Jim.
Good fight.
Keep eating!
Quickly! Muster atop your steed.
Get on the friggin' horse.
I don't think he's kidding.
- Don't do this!
- Good luck to you!
- This is our destiny!
- No, it's not!
- Yes, it is!
- No, it isn't!
Are you all right?
Well done, good sir.
You are the victor.
But we will meet again.
Did you hear that?
- You have a warrior's instinct.
- I had a real feeling of power.
If Robin had seen you,
she'd be begging you to come back.
These knights get laid all the time!
We should go again next week.
- You have no messages.
- Nobody loves you.
I left something in the living room.
Will you check it out for me?
Just a little piece of equipment.
- What do you think?
- What is all this?
It appears as if someone has updated
your home entertainment system.
I got you the big-screen TV,
deluxe karaoke machine -
- and THX quality sound that would
make George Lucas cream his pants.
- You got in here when I was out?
- How else could I get the stuff in?
- How much did all of this cost?
- Practically nothing.
I have a connection.
I hook him up, he hooks me up.
- I can't accept this.
- Why not?
You give me something more valuable.
Friendship.
You give me friendship. We're even.
You have to take this stuff back.
- Can I leave it here till Saturday.
- Sure. No problem.
Hi, this is Robin Harris. Steven
doesn't live here any more...
Hey, it's Steven.
I'm still trying to reach you...
I'm at the office. Call me.
- How's it going?
- Good.
Good.
Keep it up. It's your ass.
It's Robin on line two.
I had the best time the other night.
When will I see you again?
- How about tomorrow?
- Chip!
I knew I'd get you
on the phone that way.
Let's break the cherry
on that karaoke machine.
- What does that mean?
- Karaoke jam. No ifs, ands or buts.
Maybe a few buts.
Big ones!
You're going on a date?
We're not officially back together.
And you said time apart is good.
Yes. Time apart from each other,
but not with other people.
That's time with someone else.
- I love you, but I have to go. Bye.
- Bye.
This is just a sign
that you need to live a little.
- She's having fun. You should, too.
- Maybe you're right.
- I got you a little something.
- You said we were even.
You're breaking the rules.
What is it?
LOOSE YOUR LISP
IN 30 DAYS
My brother thought
it might help you.
- This is... There's no words...
- It's no big deal.
Yes, it is!
It is to me.
Now I'm on a mission.
This is going to be
the best damn karaoke jam ever.
We're really bopping!
- You have some nice friends.
- They're just preferred customers.
Chick alert, two o'clock.
What a licorice!
- Don't look.
- You're just playing with me.
- She's all over you.
- Shut up.
I'd strike while the iron is hot.
He who hesitates, masturbates.
Go.
- Hey. I'm Steven.
- Heather.
- Can I get you a beer?
- How about a tequila?
Hi, Rick.
That'll be a good one.
- Glad you accepted my invitation.
- Steven invited me.
He's having a super time.
He's changing. You'll have to learn
to live with that.
I don't know what your story is,
but I'm going to find out.
Don't dig too deep. You might
get burned by the molten lava.
I'm out of here.
Thank you.
The soothing sounds of Raoul,
ladies and gentlemen.
- You had honey in your voice.
- Do a song for us.
No, I couldn't.
All right, already!
I fought the law, and the law won.
Jefferson Airplane performed
this song in "Gimme Shelter", -
- a film about how the Hell's Angels
had their way at a Stones concert.
Tonight... it's my turn.
- What do you do?
- Can we talk in the other room?
We just had a baby born
at the party.
We need an ambulance
over by the scaffolding.
Shut the door!
It's the summer of love, baby.
Let's leave these two alone.
Smile!
That's going to be a good one.
Good morning,
and how are we today?
I borrowed this sweatshirt.
Bacon and eggs, coming up.
- Where did Heather go?
- She left early this morning.
You cad.
- What a night. Just what I needed.
- I'll tell you something.
You look like a new man.
I was getting so used to rejection.
I really liked her.
It was my treat.
- What do you mean?
- You can buy next time.
- Don't let your eggs get cold.
- Buy what?
What do you mean, buy what?
The women.
Do you mean
that Heather is a prostitute?
Of course. We couldn't get
a woman like that without paying.
This can't be happening.
It's okay. She's totally clean.
I checked her out about a week ago.
To make sure she was good. And I'm
healthy as a horse... Not a drip.
- Would you like some juice?
- You're kidding. She's your friend.
- I wish I had friends like that.
- Get out of my house!
She was a working girl,
but she liked you.
You might even have got a freebie.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Robin will never forgive me.
Don't tell her.
I'll help you get her back.
I want you out of my apartment.
And get this stuff out of here.
Why are you doing this?
You're sabotaging yourself.
Out! Now!
Everything was going so well.
I made you breakfast,
and we were eating...
Out!
I'll fix this.
I can make it cool again.
This is just a speed bump!
- May I help you?
- No. I'm meeting someone here.
I apologize about last night.
I came home and I just fell asleep.
Most appreciated.
Gail tells me
you're coming out of a relationship.
- We're in a holding pattern.
- A holding pattern?
You need to come down and refuel.
You're sexy.
You've been working hard.
Take a break.
Excuse me.
What's the story with our chicken?
Have the eggs had a chance to hatch?
Maybe you can go check on it for me.
I'm sorry to put you out.
Unbelievable.
I'm hysterical now.
What were we talking about?
- What's your job like?
- It's a little crazy right now...
Wait. I need to use the head.
I want to find out about your job.
What's with the chicken?
- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.
- Good evening, sir.
- Hey, stretch.
- Pleasant night, isn't it?
- Yeah, not too bad.
The weather is always nice in here.
The winters are remarkably mild!
- If you need anything, let me know!
- I got it under control!
- Unbelievable.
- It's no trouble.
What is your?
People rarely take advantage of
my services. I'll help you wash up.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
You're on a big date.
You'll need to look your best.
That'll take care of the shine.
Now, let's pluck those eyebrows!
She loves me, she loves me not.
She loves me...
...she loves me not.
A little Jose Eber...
A touch of Alfalfa...
We're ready to dry you off!
Right into the buckle.
That's got to hurt!
Suck the air.
You look just like Dizzy Gillespie.
Don't worry about the tip.
But I've got one for you.
Stay away from Robin.
She's taken.
A man was beaten in a restroom
by a bathroom attendant.
The victim is unable to speak, but
witnesses described the assailant.
Tonight on UPN: The trial
that has captured the nation.
Everyone awaits the verdict,
but we're showing the movie now.
- Cry - baby.
- I love you.
- No, Sammy!
- Look who's crying now.
Eric Roberts is Sam and Stan Sweet
in "Brother Sweet Brother".
Parental discretion advised.
- Who is it?
- It's the cable guy!
My cable's fine.
I have an upgrade order
for one Robin Harris.
I didn't order that.
I guess you have a secret admirer.
- Is it a man named Steven?
- I can't say.
I promised Steven I wouldn't say.
Oh, look what I've done.
- You didn't hear it from me.
- Hold on.
- Male witches are the worst kind.
- He's not a witch.
That about does it.
My work is done.
That was hot up there.
- Are you a friend of Steven's?
- I'm proud to say that I am.
I recently installed his cable
and we just hit it off.
- Are you guys going out a lot?
- Not really.
That guy is devoted to you.
I shouldn't be telling you this...
...but he thinks
you're the cat's pajamas.
Did he say that?
Only every five minutes.
Frankly I'm sick of hearing it.
He's a good man.
He mentioned
that you've had some problems.
- It's a little complicated.
- It always is.
I asked a woman to marry me once.
She wanted to think about it.
We agreed to take some time apart.
You know...
give each other space.
She's no longer with us.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes you don't know
what you've got till it's gone.
Promise me you'll never
go bungee jumping in Mexico.
- I promise.
- Anyway...
I've said too much.
Thank you.
Cherish him, Robin.
Every hair on his head.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
- I love you.
Robin?
I love you, too.
That was so sweet of you.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I... I wanted to.
Giving me free cable. Only you
would do something like that.
I wanted to do something for you,
but you needed space, so...
Let's not make any more rules.
- Call me later if you're around.
- Sure, as soon as I get home.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- Are you ready to rock?
- The concert. Oh, Jesus.
I think Robin and I
are getting back together.
So you're blowing me off again.
I won't put up with it any more.
- Can't you ask someone else to go?
- Maybe I'll take my cable guy.
I'll call you later...
Pretty smooth work.
I set them up, you knock them down.
- What?
- Robin. I got her back for you.
- How do you know about us?
- Free cable's an aphrodisiac.
- Don't mess around with my life.
- I wanted to make things up to you.
Do you want to catch a flick?
I appreciate
you helping me out with Robin.
Now I'll have to work extra hard
not to screw things up again.
You're a nice guy, but I just
don't have time for a new friend.
- What are you trying to say?
- I don't want to be your friend.
I appreciate your honesty.
You're a straight shooter.
- So you're all right?
- I'm a big boy.
It's no big deal.
Whatever.
- You're sure?
- Uh-huh. I'm fine.
- Robin Harris.
- Hey, it's Chip Douglas.
- Chip Douglas?
- The cable guy.
- What's up?
- I'm worried about Steven.
- What is it?
- He doesn't seem like himself.
- Have you noticed anything?
- No. Things are going really well.
Good.
That makes me feel better.
- Should I be worried?
- No. Maybe I'm being too nervous.
Let's just keep our eyes open.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
Stevie, you did it, man.
You put our cajones on the table
and you slam-dunked it.
Way to go. Now they'll probably
give him my job.
- On to the next order of business.
- Steven, I need to talk to you.
We have to find an architect.
- I need to talk to you.
- It shall wait.
- Is there a Steven Kovacs here?
- Yeah. What's the problem?
You're under arrest
for receiving stolen property.
- I don't know anything about this.
- Do not speak until spoken to.
You have the right to remain silent.
- You have the right to an attorney.
- I didn't accept any stolen goods.
Deluxe karaoke machine.
Big - screen TV...
Cream his pants...
I can't believe you did this.
He gave you a big-screen TV
and a hi-fi system as a present?
- I swear it's true.
- Why would you accept such gifts?
- I don't know.
- What's going on? Are you on pot?
I didn't do anything!
Just call my cable guy.
Nobody named Chip Douglas
works for the cable company.
- This can't be happening.
- It's killing your mother.
- When can you get me out?
- There'll be no bail hearing today.
You have to spend the weekend here.
Look at the pretty boy!
They call me the pumper.
I'll be your friend.
Lock down!
You hear anything?
I came as soon as I could.
- What's your real name?
- Larry Tate. That's not important.
We have to get you out of here.
I was watching Court TV.
I'll talk to the judge.
I'll put the system on trial!
- Why are you doing this to me?
- You did this to you.
- You set me up.
- No. I taught you a lesson.
I can be your friend or your enemy.
You seem to prefer the latter.
I'm just here to comfort you.
Touch it.
You need human contact.
I will not touch it.
- What are you doing?
- I know how you're feeling!
- Don't do that.
- I'm here for you!
Don't do that! You'll get me killed!
Oh, Billy.
I'm just messing with you.
Remember "Midnight Express"?
Oliver Stone won an Academy Award.
Awesome scene.
This is the man who framed me!
Hey Bernie,
how's that sports package?
Don't worry about Robin.
I'll take care of her.
- If you go near her, I'll kill you.
- That's it. Let's go!
This concludes our broadcast day.
Click.
- You've been blowing me off.
- This guy's doing a number on me.
- I told you to stay away from him.
- You said I could get free cable.
Did I tell you
to have a karaoke jam with him?
I'm out on bail.
I'll see if I can track him down.
What was his name?
Larry Tate. But at first he said
his name was Chip Douglas.
Chip Douglas?
That sounds familiar.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- You're not fine.
- I just want to get this over with.
I hate visiting my parents.
Is this guy cool?
Just joking. Come in, you psycho.
- What is he doing here?
- I invited him.
- I invited him at lunch.
- At lunch?
- You look great.
- And you are a vision.
- You look rested.
- Come here.
- What's wrong? You seem weird.
- You had me sent to jail.
- I should take you to the police.
- You can if you like.
But I'd hate
to have to show Robin this.
- Bastard!
- Let's just have a good time.
Steven is carrying his battle axe
and chasing me...
So I say, "Hey, it's just a show!"
- He takes things too seriously.
- The guy almost took my head off.
Did never played Porno Password?
It's the adult version of the show.
Robin, you're on my team.
Steven... you're with Mom.
You're the judges.
Pick a word.
The password is...
Vagina.
- I really don't want to play.
- Come on, Steven.
Woman.
- Woman.
- Man?
Penis.
Penis.
- Penis.
- Vagina.
She got vagina!
- I would have said "schlong".
- Now we're starting to get this!
The password is...
Nipple.
- Can I pass?
- Don't be a stick in the mud!
Breast.
Breast.
Tit?
Remember his clue.
Hard.
- Erection?
- No. But thanks for noticing.
- Your turn!
- Center.
Center.
- Center!
- Nipple?
- She got it!
- Mom.
The password is...
I'm not sure how to say this.
That little thing...
- I can't say that to my mother.
- She can handle it.
I won't do it. I've had enough!
- It's just skin, Steven.
- I don't want to do it any more!
- You're overreacting.
- No! He's fooling you all.
- He's a lunatic and a felon.
- Everybody just relax.
- We knew this would happen.
- Nothing is happening!
This is a safe place.
You're with people who love you.
- We love you.
- I hate you! Get out of my life!
- He's angry with me. I should go.
- No.
- You are being an asshole.
- Do you see what's happening?
- You're hitting bottom.
- Stay away.
This is where the healing begins.
Come on.
Robin showed me her birthmark.
It's very sexy.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Thanks for the delightful evening.
I guess I'll be leaving now.
I forgive you. I only hope
my neurologist will feel the same.
- Did anybody notice I'm late?
- You've been here for an hour.
- Did anybody notice I'm late?
- You've been here for an hour.
HELLO STEVEN
I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU
- How's Hal?
- The man has no vision.
It's like working for Mr. Magoo.
If only someone would dump him.
And those hair plugs...
- Hair plugs. Hair plugs...
- Oh, shit.
He's so pathetic.
I think I hate him. Hate him...
If only someone would dump him.
I... I don't hate you.
- Those hair plugs.
- Get out!
Chip!
This isn't funny!
Where are you?
If you build it, he will come.
- Hello?
- Bingo! "My Three Sons".
- Chip and Ernie Douglas.
- I have a list of ex-cable men.
Murray Slaughter.
George Jetson. Jean Luc Picard.
- Someone called the Big Ragoo.
- Carmine, from "Laverne & Shirley".
Anyway, the cable company in town
fired a guy six months ago.
His boss was Larry Tate,
from a show called "Bewitched".
- He's not with the cable company?
- Yahtzee!
They fired him for stalking
customers. You better lock up tight.
In the Sam Sweet Trial,
the jury is close to a verdict.
They will continue deliberating
into the evening hours.
The day started real nice,
but now the moisture is increasing.
We see thunderstorms...
Cable guy!
Cable guy!
Jesucristo!
Cable guy!
Okay, I'm going!
See you! Bye.
I just want to hang out!
No big deal!
- Hello?
- We could have been blood brothers.
But you're too needy.
It's a real turn-off. Ask Robin.
The cable company fired you.
Hold on.
I have a call waiting.
- I know it's you.
- Sorry. Where was I?
- Can't we work this out?
- I wish we could.
- I'm just so tired, Steven.
- Where are you?
I'd love to chat, but I'm
getting together with a lady friend.
- You might know her.
- Stay away from her!
- Robin!
- She just left with the cable guy!
Where were they going?
I heard him say they were taking
a ride on the information highway.
The future is now!
Soon every home will integrate their
television, phone and computer!
You'll be able to visit the Louvre,
or watch female mud wrestling.
You can shop from your home, or play
video games with someone in Vietnam.
I want to go home now.
I'm worried about Steven.
- Help!
- Robin!
Where are you?
- Steven!
- I'm coming!
- Help me!
- Hang on!
- Steven, look out!
- Yes, Steven! Look out!
"Dry land is not a myth!"
Kevin Costner, "Waterworld".
- Leave him alone!
- I saw that movie six times!
Isn't it funny
that we ended up like this?
You'll have to do
better than that, Steven.
My lisp is gone!
You stupid son-of-a-bitch.
- Stop it! Steven!
- I'm coming!
The trouble with real life is,
there's no danger music.
Nice jump, Spiderman!
Steven called the fuzz!
Bad boys,
what you gonna do?
Skooch over just a tad.
Here comes our hero.
- It didn't have to be this way.
- What are you planning to do?
I don't really have a plan.
I'm going moment to moment now.
You have to admit,
it's a cool place for an ending.
- An ending to what?
- It's like "Golden Eye".
This isn't a movie!
This is reality!
This is the police! You're
trespassing in a restricted area!
I just wanted to be your friend...
...but I screwed it up.
- You are in a high - voltage area!
- What's that?
Come again?
You want me to quiet down
and chill out in front of the TV?
You were never there for me,
were you, Mother?
You expected Mike and Carol Brady
to raise me.
I'm the bastard son of Claire
Huxtable! I'm the lost Cunningham!
I learned the facts of life...
from watching "The Facts of Life"!
That's it.
That's what I have to do!
No. Don't do that!
- Let's go out and have a Heineken.
- Yeah!
I'm not thirsty any more.
See ya.
You're not going anywhere!
It's okay!
I understand my purpose now!
Don't do this. You just need help.
We all get lonely.
But I get really lonely.
Look at me!
- I'll be your pal. Just come on up!
- No. It's too late for me.
But there are a lot of cable boys
and girls who still have a chance!
Don't you understand, Steven?
Somebody has to kill the babysitter.
This is the moment we've been
waiting for. The jury is ready...
The jury has notified the judge
that they've reached a verdict.
- The moment of truth...
- Jacob Sweet has been found...
Help.
Preferred customer, my ass!
Squad 51. Man down.
Possible back injury.
We'll need an IV with D-5-W.
Check vital signs.
Prepare to defibrillate!
Wait!
You two will be just fine.
Take care of him, Robin.
He's good people.
You never told me your real name.
You still want to know my name?
It's... Ricardo.
Ricky Ricardo.
I'm just messing with you.
Let's go home.
Hang in there, pal!
You're going to make it, buddy!
- Am I really your buddy?
- Yeah, sure you are!