Caddy Hack (2023) Movie Script
1
(ominous music)
(man panting)
(man groans)
(creature speaking in the distance)
(tense music)
(man screaming)
(blood squelching)
(creature laughing)
It's a beautiful day
and I'm feeling happy
I'm feeling fine
It's a beautiful day
Don't waste this sunshine
It'll be all right
It's a beautiful day
And I'm feeling happy
I'm feeling fine
It's a beautiful day
Don't waste this sunshine
It'll be all right
Sun is out
Days are long
Ice-cream in my hand
Nothing could be wrong
Bright skies hanging over my head
Feel the warmth of the sun's rays
Smiling as she said
And I know and I know
It'll be all right
And I know and I know
It'll be all right
Because it's a beautiful
day and I'm feeling happy
- [Willy] This is Wacky
Willy, the voice of
The Old's Golf Club Radio.
Yes, it's a beautiful day,
but it's gonna be a tee-riffic weekend
at the Complete and Putter
Madness Golf Tournament.
No, if, and-
(Landon yelling)
- Turn that off!
- What?
- Turn that fucking thing off!
- I can't understand you.
Let me try and cut this thing off.
- Why doesn't he just move?
- No, stop.
- Sorry about that.
- Turn that fucking thing off.
- Sometimes these old things get stuck.
Usually not a problem,
usually not pointing
right in someones face.
- Just turn that fucking thing off.
I just-
(man yells)
- Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Don't touch me with
your retarded jizz rag.
As I was saying, I just came down to say
what an amazing job you're
doing with the course.
- Well, thanks Mr. Landon.
I've been trying really hard for you.
- This weekend is a very
important weekend for me
and the club, and I couldn't
be happier with the greens.
You may be one of the biggest
pieces of worthless shit
I've ever laid eyes on,
but Goddamn, you can take care of grass.
- It's all thanks to
my special fertilizer,
it's my own secret recipe.
- That fertilizer?
That I just drank a half a gallon of?
- The very same.
- What's in that stuff?
- Nitrogen, potassium, phosphorus,
which aids in photosynthesis.
- Of course.
- Micronutrients, dechlorinate acid,
tetracycline acid, bleach, ammonia.
And of course my secret family additives.
- Which are?
- Well, sir, if I told you that,
with all due respect I'd have to kill you.
- Yes.
And this is safe for people?
- I mean, sure.
I huff it all the time and I'm fine.
- Yeah.
What about the animals?
- I haven't seen them huffing it.
- No, you boob, is it safe for them?
- Probably not.
- Oh well, fuck 'em. (laughs)
They don't pay any dues
on the greens anyway.
As long as my big money friends are safe
to knock around some balls,
that's all I care about.
(both laughing)
(siren blaring)
- Oh no.
Oh no.
Not on my good weekend.
(upbeat music)
- What you doing, Googie?
- Reading.
- Reading?
- What the hell are you reading for?
- Yeah, why you reading?
Trying to transform words
into pictures in your brain?
- I don't know.
I just like reading.
- You like reading.
- Oh, you like reading, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well, we got something for you to read.
- Yeah, read this.
It's called You, Me and Everyone.
Making life better for your
friends, family and the world.
I think it may help you with
some of the social anxiety
you seem to exude here at the club.
- Changed my life.
I think I'd still be in
the closet without this.
- You're gay, Smitty?
- Oh, I wish.
I was actually trapped in the closet.
Luckily I found this book,
grabbed it and whacked away at the door
until the handle fell off.
Saved my life.
(man panting)
(cat screeches)
- What is it, hole boy?
- Something happened on hole 15?
- It's Gordy?
What, what happened to Gordy?
- You're shitting me, hole boy.
(hole boy farts)
(indistinct)
- For the love of all
that's worth my time,
what happened here?
- Looks like one of your employees
didn't make it home last night-
- I don't care about him.
What happened to my
beautiful landscaping here?
I have the biggest tournament
of the season this weekend,
and you are putting
chalk lines on my greens.
- Sir, please listen to me.
My hat says police.
Sir.
Sir.
I'm gonna need you to stop
contaminating my crime scene.
- Your crime scene?
- That's what I said.
- You're crime scene?
What about my golf course?
I can't have my members
playing through a dead caddy.
Do you know what will happen
if my members see this?
You think they wanna
think about death here
at the Old Glory Holes Golf Club?
No, they don't.
If they wanted to think about death
they'd stay at home with their wives.
They come here to forget about death.
- Well, we at least have
to wait for an ambulance.
- The ambulance?
You wanna drive an
ambulance on my golf course?
- That's what I said, didn't I?
- On my greens?
Two days before the
biggest event of the year?
Do you know what type of
money plays through here?
Policeman's ball money,
killed an unarmed 10 year old kid,
need to not go to jail money.
- How would you like us
to get rid of the body?
- This is why I have money
and you're just some golf pig.
I have ideas, thoughts.
The best thoughts.
If you had half the
thoughts I had in one night,
you'd be, well, you wouldn't
be right here right now.
Watch and learn.
Watch and learn, stupid.
(playful music)
(body crunching)
(man farts)
(camera clicks)
- Ugh, gross.
You liquified him.
(body squelching)
- You want the real stuff? Right here.
(somber music)
- Take your place upon the wall
of heroes that have fallen before you.
Sleep now, you prince amongst princes.
You tiptoed your way into our lives,
but only for a moment you stayed.
Oh, but what an imprint your footsteps
have had upon our hearts.
- I'm gonna miss that guy.
He had the cleanest balls
of all the ball cleaners of the club.
- He had the cleanest balls ever.
- His balls were spectacular.
The shine.
- The whitest.
- The shine.
- If I had to have the
balls of any of us caddies,
and I know you guys would say the same
without shame or envy, I'd
want to have his balls.
- Staring into his balls
was like staring into the balls of God.
- No one ...
No one could do to balls
what he did to balls.
- The stroking.
- The rubbing.
- The right amount of pressure.
- You would just take his fingertips,
starting at the base of the ball,
working his way round the ball,
draining the balls holes
of dirt, and debris.
(man grunting)
Damn, hole boy.
You said what we were all thinking.
You motherfucker.
Goddamn, now I know this
mother is gonna rest in peace.
Now let's get out there
and do the best damn
caddying we've ever done.
And let's do it for Gordy!
- For Gordy!
- [All] For Gordy!
(ominous music)
- When my father handed
this golf club down to me,
he put a lot into my little hands.
He ran this golf club for 35 years,
grew it from a pitching putt
to the greatest golf club
in the tri-state area.
Now it's my turn to take the wheel,
make it even bigger and better.
My first year I started the
Complete and Putter
Madness Golf Tournament
and I've been running
it for four years now.
It's been the biggest, the
biggest golf tournament,
this club, this country
and from what I hear,
this world has ever seen,
I have a lot to worry about
leading up to the tournament.
Now I have to deal with
dead caddies on my green.
I can't have this.
Everybody knows I'm the
best golf club owner,
the very best golf club owner.
I give my members what they need.
You know what happens if I stop
giving my members what they need?
I stop getting what I want.
I stop getting the money,
the power,
the ego fulfillment.
Is that what you want?
- I'm just a groundskeeper.
- No.
Actually, that's not what any of us want.
If I lose my power, we all lose our power.
You understand?
- No, not really.
- I understand, sir.
- I can't have these
caddies ruining my big day.
- No. No.
They're wild.
They're out there screaming
and yelling, well dying.
These are not the things
that you or your member,
members should have to deal with.
No, no, no.
You've done all you can to
prevent this type of situation.
Yes, yes.
You just relax.
Let me, Miss Flannager,
your best friend and personal
assistant take care of it.
Why, a man of your stature
(giggles) should not have to deal
with this type of situation,
with skin so soft and
smelling of fresh linen.
Yes, and the shoulders of a
strong, independent woman.
I don't need no man!
- Jesus Christ with a
boner on the jew cross.
Get away from me!
- Can I go?
- My answer to this problem
is a new caddy manager,
someone who won't take any cuff
from those little shitheads.
And there's only one person I know
that can handle this mission.
My niece Becky.
(sultry music)
She knows nothing about golf.
Or the day-to-day
operations of being a caddy.
But she's family.
I see no better person for the job.
You're gonna spy for me.
I mean, you're gonna manage for me.
Oh, manage them real good for me.
Solve all my problems.
You're so sexy and beautiful.
No man cannot listen to, respect you.
Is she the most beautiful female specimen
you've ever seen?
- Damn fine, sir.
Yes. (giggles)
- If I could still get a male erection,
you know, I'd have one right now.
Bicycle accident, '84,
hasn't worked since.
- Don't worry.
I'll infiltrate that group
of mindless sperm bags
and turn this whole goddamn
caddy operation around.
I'm gonna go in there like a wrecking ball
until they all do my bidding one by one.
Believe you me.
- Oh, I do.
(all laughing)
(upbeat music)
I'm spraying these greens every day.
Gotta keep going.
Can't stop now.
This always reminds me of Vietnam!
My platoon, they're pinned down.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
I'll save you, guys.
I'll get you out.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
They're everywhere.
We got Charlie all over the place.
Oh, we're gonna get out boys.
I'll make sure we get to the chopper.
I make sure, we'll get you there.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
I'll get the flamethrower ready!
Need the gas!
Oh.
Hello there.
How are you?
You're such a cutie.
Oh no!
How is it possible?
No, stop.
Please.
What the fuck?
- Remember me? Wacky Willy.
We're 20 minutes into the
movie, here's another song.
- No, (indistinct)
- Okay guys, settle down.
Okay guys, I have a pretty
important announcement to make.
So if you could all just settle down.
- My boombox!
(rock music)
Whoa, whoa, time out.
Boobies.
Hubba hubba.
- Okay, fellas.
What are the three ups of caddying?
- [All] Show up.
Sheep up and shut up.
- That's right, very good, very good.
So if you could all just shut
up and please try to keep up.
Yes, well, I have a very
important announcement to make.
Fellas, I'd like you to meet Becky.
She's our new caddy manager.
- What? A new manager, gimme a break.
- I'm not gonna let this
beaver boss me around.
What about Mr. Bobbi?
He's the best damned caddy
manager I've ever worked with.
- Oh, Mr. Bobbi's been
dead for two years now.
Yes. (giggles)
- I thought he was just mad at us.
- We really do have to do
something with that body.
- All right, that's not what's important.
What's important is there's
a new manager in town
and things are gonna change.
- Like how?
- Like, like no gum.
You guys can't chew gum.
- Nobody's chewing gum.
- Good, we're off to an amazing start.
You see how great I am?
- You are amazing.
Yes.
- Now, which one of you pube holes
wants to show me around
and fill me in on your
day to day around here?
- I'll fill you in, baby.
- What's your name?
- Around here ...
They call me fingers.
- Why do they call you that?
- Oh, I'm sure you'll find out.
(fingers crunching)
Oh God, my fingering fingers.
- Now they're your broken fingers.
Anyone else wanna be a smart ass?
Now I'm gonna ask again,
who wants to show me around?
You, what's your name?
- Googie.
- Well, Googie, it looks
like you've been elected.
Now get your bony ass
up and let's do this.
The rest of you get back to work
doing whatever it is you
pecker pinchers do around here.
- You're all in trouble now, yes.
- Get outta here, Flannager,
you brown nose pug wad.
- Things are gonna change around here.
Yes they are. (giggles)
- Thanks a lot guys.
(caddies laughing)
You suck, bony ass!
- Who likes reading now?
(upbeat music)
(playful music)
- No.
What are you doing?
Don't even think about it.
You are not going to take that sandwich.
It's not for you.
It's for the gophers.
He's gonna take the sandwich.
We're going to code red.
Be on alert, I repeat, be on alert.
He's gonna eat it.
He's gonna eat it.
I don't have any more
money for another hogey.
Oh, that's it.
The mission's compromised,
mission's compromised.
Abort, abort.
Drop the sandwich, son.
You take another bite
and I'll slit your throat
and I'll remove that tasty morsel
from your overstretched stomach.
Comprende?
You think I'm playing?
Go ahead, take another bite.
See if I'm playing.
Drop it.
Drop it.
There you go.
Now, get the hell outta here.
(dramatic music)
(gopher crying)
- Mission accomplished.
- So let's just say hypothetically,
I don't know anything about
golf or what a caddy does.
Tell me what you guys do around here.
- Being a caddy is a very important job,
one that gets overlooked a lot.
We're a good golfer's number one tool.
We walk the course with
them, we carry their bags.
- Couldn't they just use
a golf cart for that?
- Could a golf cart calculate
the yardage on the next pin?
Could it tell 'em what club
to use on the next shot?
Could a golf cart go ahead
and scout the shot for them?
Could it clean and locate their balls?
Rake sand traps?
And then there's weather
variables, marking the greens,
more than anything else, we ...
A caddy makes the game
more enjoyable for a golfer
by handling mental tasks,
speeding up the process,
being a support for them.
A caddy is a golfer's
best friend and confidant.
- You're kind of a loser around here.
- I don't think so.
- No, I can tell these things.
I can smell it on you.
Same way a dog can smell
when a woman's on her period.
- Is that a thing?
- Why do you let those guys pick on you?
- I don't know.
I think the guys are pretty cool dudes.
Maybe it's because I'm a
38 year old caddy trainee
and they're all championship caddies.
- Championship caddies?
- Yeah, there's a special
ranking system for caddies.
- Doi! You think I didn't know
about the ranking systems.
You think I didn't know
there was different ranks for caddies?
How could I be the caddy manager
if I don't know this stuff, huh?
- I didn't mean anything by it.
I just thought you wanted to know.
- I didn't go to Caddy Management College
for four years to have
some snot rocket trainee
thinks he knows more than I do.
- Sorry.
- You got that?
- Yeah.
- You got it?
- I said yes.
- You think I didn't go to
caddy management college?
Do you think I'm lying about that?
- I didn't even know such a thing existed.
- There is a thing and I went there.
- Okay.
- I did.
- Okay.
- I'm not lying.
- Look, I better go fish
the balls out of the lake.
- Don't blow this, Becky.
I'm not going to.
He's onto us.
No, he's not.
He knows you're a fake.
You're a fake.
We have to get him on
our side at any cost.
At any cost.
(playful music)
- That's some good gopher bait.
Alright, you son of a
bitch, let's do this.
Now I'm gonna spray you
with some of this stuff
and nothing's gonna happen.
You got nothing.
That other gopher was just a fluke.
My patented fertilizer
does not turn you fuzzy,
adorable creatures into sadistic, mutated,
blood hungry devil gophers.
Do we have an agreement?
Good, once we prove that this formula,
my fertilizer does not do the above,
I will let you go and
we'll forget all about this
and we'll go on with our happy lives.
Here we go.
Oh, just in case this does turn you
into a mutated killing machine ...
Not that it will.
Not that it will,
but just in case, I'm sorry.
And please try to remember my compassion.
Thank you.
Deliver me from thine enemies, oh God.
Defend me from those
that rise up against me.
(fertilizer spraying)
You're okay!
You're okay!
See, it wasn't my formula.
It was ...
(ominous music)
(Gopher groaning)
No, wait.
Don't do that.
(Hambone laughs)
You got, you had me.
You had me.
I'll tell you what, you really
know how to pull up a prank.
(man laughing)
Oh shit, you're not kidding.
Oh no.
Oh no.
What have you done, Hambone?
What am I gonna do?
What are you gonna do, Hambone?
You're always doing something like this.
Who knows how many of these creatures
are out there running around.
Wait, Mr. Landon.
He'll know what to do.
(creature growling)
- No,
no,
no.
This is unacceptable.
You mean to tell me that if these gophers
ingest your formula,
they turn into these little
killer freaky gophers.
- That seems to be the case.
- And you're saying there
may be more of these
mutated shitbags running around my course.
My course?
- Other than this one,
I've only seen one other.
But it's not a crazy idea to think that
there's more out there.
And we're sure this thing is dangerous?
- One attacked me on the green, sir?
- But are we certain.
- I'm 50% certain,
but there's only a 30%
chance that that's right.
- 50% certain?
Well, let's find out just how dangerous
these little flea bags can be.
Flannager!
- Yes sir?
- Stick your hand in that gopher trap.
- That trap right there, sir?
- Yes, that trap right there, Flannager.
Well, is it safe, sir?
- Safe?
Of course it's safe.
Would I lie to you?
- Oh, well there was that one time, sir.
- And I found a cream to fix it.
No harm, no foul.
- You're right there, sir.
- Of course I am.
Now stick your hand in there.
After we'll go get some mimosas.
(Miss Flannager yelling)
(intense music)
Get that disgusting thing outta here!
Have some coot.
- Sorry, sir.
It's totally my bad, sir.
- I can't let these
gophers ruin my tournament.
There's no way I can refund a hundred
of the richest, mediocre
golfers their entry fees.
I already spent half of it
on underage, wheelchair bound hookers.
This problem has to be solved
before it gets out of hand.
Our mission
is to rally the caddies
and have them round up all
these godforsaken things.
- Should I inform the troops
of the entire situation?
- Hell no.
As far as they know,
they're gonna be collecting your average,
cute and cuddly, fun-loving,
run of the mill gophers.
- Do I have clearance to
use any force necessary?
Deadly force?
- You can bomb every one
of the little bastards
as far as I care.
As long as this weekend
goes off without a hitch.
- As you know, I am disciplined.
Physically and mentally tough,
trained and proficient in
all of my warrior tasks.
I won't let you down, sir.
- God speed, Hambone.
God speed.
(downbeat music)
- Goddammit.
My old game is off today, Googie.
- You just gotta relax and keep calm.
You topped that drive
and your game's been preoccupied
for the last three holes.
- I know I topped the drive.
You don't think I know that?
That's not it at all.
- Just stay in the present.
- What do you think? I'm in 1990,
back when I actually enjoyed
some part of my life?
- And don't just focus
on your individual shots.
Focus on the pieces of the shots.
- Pieces of my shots?
- Now you got a tough
putt here, all right?
So put your head in the
preparation process, all right?
Find a safe target, aim your club face.
Align your body.
Arm back.
All right, buddy.
Now let her go.
- Dammit, you never let me down, Googie.
Ah, I guess my head's just all messed up
'cause this broad is out here.
- Excuse me?
- What, did you fart?
- I find it offensive
that you called me a broad
and you think the mere presence of a woman
would throw off your precious golf game.
- Look, lady, I don't like
women on my course, all right?
So if you're gonna be here,
why don't you go get me
a drink or something.
- I don't think she's
messing up your game.
You just have to relax and stay cool.
She might even be a good luck charm.
She's our new caddy manager.
She's been four years at Caddy College.
She probably knows more
about golf than both of us.
- Caddy College?
What in tarnation is Caddy College.
- You think just because I
don't have a stinky wiener
between my legs that I can't
know anything about golf?
- That's exactly what I'm trying to say.
I mean, we give you women Mondays, right?
Who do you think you are to
weasel your way around here
every other day of the week
trying to ruin our fun?
I mean, it's cute that you girls try.
- Cute how we try.
How we try?
- I don't think he meant-
- I mean that I'm sick and
tired of these chuckleheaded,
broad burden, femaNazis
trying to change everything
that we red blooded Americans
have come to know and love.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
gotta get back to my game.
- I do mind.
And I bet I could hit
one of these ball things
farther than you could.
- You think you could hit
the drive better than me?
- You bet your old wrinkly balls I do.
- Becky, I don't know
if this is a good idea.
- I don't have to take this from him.
- Feisty this one.
- Psst.
Becky, psst.
Psst.
- Look, I know this guy's an asshole
but he's one of the
wealthiest club members.
We can't afford to piss him off,
but Mr. Landon won't be
pleased if this guy complains.
- Fuck Mr. Landon.
(upbeat music)
- You ready out there, Googie?
Let's see you do better than that?
- Dammit.
- (laughs) Oh, what's the matter, girly?
Not as good as you thought you were, huh?
- You've got this, Becky.
Just concentrate on the ball.
Be one with the ball.
(Googie groaning)
- Googie.
- Oh, my balls.
It's okay, nice shot.
- Best out of three.
Best outta five.
- Not again! (groans)
- Best out of 11.
- Nothing like a mid-afternoon brew break.
- Work hard, party hard,
that's what I always say.
- Do you Stan? Do you?
- I say it all the time.
- I haven't heard you say
that once this whole film.
- It's my first scene.
- Any of you guys ever
hear Stanny boy here
say work hard, party hard.
- No.
- What are you saying, Biggles?
Are you saying I can't party hard?
- Yeah, that's exactly
what the Biggles is saying.
You can't party hard, Stan.
And you certainly can't party
harder than the Biggles.
- I work hard and I party hard
and I can party harder
than every one of you.
- Party harder than all of us?
You gotta be kidding, Stan.
- You gotta be kidding, Stan.
- Shit son, the Biggels was partying hard
when you were still
sucking on your mama's tit.
- Your mom's tit, Stan.
- Leave my mom outta this.
She's dead, you know?
- My condolences, Stan.
- You know that's probably
why she laid there
when I was giving her the world
famous Biggle special, Stan.
- The Biggle special, Stan.
- That's it.
That's it, man!
We're gonna settle this like men.
- [All] Party off, party off, party off.
- Quiet. Quiet!
There's no time for a party off right now.
We've got pressing matters to discuss.
- Is there time for a quick dance off?
(playful music)
- Okay.
(caddies cheer)
But make it quick!
(upbeat music)
- So, you and your little gopher buddies
think you can just come in here
and ruin everything I've ever worked for?
Like you own this land or something.
There's plenty of other
places for your kind to go.
When this tournament's over,
I'm gonna build a wall.
The biggest damn wall you
gophers have ever seen.
You're lucky you don't have any money.
I'd make the whole lot of you pay for it.
Then finally, me and my friends,
the good people of the
Old Glory Holes Golf Club
will be free of nuisances like you.
Yeah, I'd like to see
you get in here then.
Nobody gets a drop on Wells Landon.
(cage rattles)
Christ!
Hey, hey, hey.
How you doing?
You know that stuff I was saying,
you don't think I meant any of it, do you?
Hey, we can talk about this.
We can negotiate it.
I got a lot of friends who are gophers.
Some of my best friends are gophers.
I like you guys so much
that I'm gonna let you join my club.
- No, the rich can't die like this.
No!
(gophers growling)
- Men, all this stuff
you hear about caddies
not wanting to work and only wanting
to goof off and party hard
is a load of bullocky.
Caddies love to work.
A caddy must be alert at all times
if he expects to keep his job.
- Where are you going with this, Hambone?
- Come on, man.
I got a whole speech to do here.
- Make it quick, the
Biggles has partying to do.
There will be no partying
for you boys tonight,
for each caddy must not
think only of himself,
but must think of the golfers
that walk these greens every day.
- What are you telling us, Hambone?
We gotta stay late?
- This is bunk, dog.
- It's not bunk.
And would you guys let
me finish my speech?
I worked really hard on it.
- Forget this, I got stuff to do.
- Be seated.
- Oh Jesus.
- Listen up, you no good bitch wipes.
You're all staying and no one's leaving
until your mission is complete.
There comes a point in every caddy's life
when he must decide if
he is a boy or a man.
Sure, we might hate our jobs.
Sure, we might go home
and look in the mirror
and pray to a God we
know isn't even listening
to have just a bit of
mercy and end our lives.
Sure, we may go home,
cover our genitalia in peanut butter
only to remember your dog
died three years prior,
but that is not today.
Today we go out there as boys
and we will return heroes.
- Yeah!
- We will return men.
One day when you're sitting
in your favorite chair
and your grandkids ask you
what the greatest day of your life was,
it will be this day.
And they will look at you with pride
spewing out of their eyes like diarrhea.
Like diarrhea!
Now let's get out there and
give them everything we got!
- [All] Yeah!
- Make me proud boys!
Make me proud!
- Yeah!
- [Caddies] Proud, proud,
proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
- Oh, shit, I forgot to tell
them what they were doing.
Hey guys, guys!
- What's Hambone's damage, man?
He's got us out here like
we're animal control.
I know, right? We should be by the pool
drinking a cold can of ...
Booze!
- Hold it!
- It looks like today's my lucky day.
(tense music)
(creature laughing)
- Oh my face.
So not cool.
- You stupid fool.
That's what you get for
taking another man's, booze!
(creature laughing)
- I'm really happy you
showed that golfer up.
But did you have to go
best of 37 with him?
- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit you in the
down there every time.
- I'm not even sure he was
using regulation balls.
They seemed wide.
You managed to hit me in
the plumbs every time.
But I can't give you all the credit.
It must have gotten
easier as they swelled up.
- You probably didn't even have to be
standing out there to judge.
We could have just walked to the balls.
- Yeah, that's good to know now.
- I had a great time
with you today, Googie.
- Me too.
My sperm holders, not so much,
but I had a really great time.
- I know you had to be forced
into showing me the ropes around here,
but I'm glad it was you.
- I'm glad it was me too.
- Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
- Is it gonna hurt my feelings?
- Why would you ask that?
- Because no one ever says,
I've got to tell you something
if it's gonna be good news.
- Would it help if I told you in song?
- It might.
- Yo, keyboard guy,
lay me down something noice!
(lively music)
There's a thing I've
been meaning to tell ya
I'm hoping that you feel the same
I see you on the green and
my heart just starts melting
Even though you probably
don't have much game
I'm balls deep
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
I'm balls deep
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
My love swells
Just like my balls
I swung so well
And I caught them all
Sorry, I hit you with every shot
My balls still hurt
but I like you a lot
I'm getting wet
Like the balls in the lake
Feel kind of bad I
took this on as a fake
You mean you lied
My uncle said you guys were rebels
Who knew I could fall
in love this fast
Who knew I could fall
in love this fast
Don't go
I gotta go
'Cause I'm still balls deep
I'm pulling out
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
Balls deep in love
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
(man groaning)
- I can't believe she lied to me
even after we made up that
impromptu song right on the spot.
Balls deep, balls deep in love.
- Oh no, not Cliff.
Everybody loved Cliff.
Who would do this to poor, sweet Cliff?
- Wassup?
- Hey little gopher, nice guy.
Oh, oh my.
(creature laughing)
- I'm done.
And before you tell me
you knew I couldn't do it
because I have a pussy.
That's not it.
(creature growling)
(dramatic music)
(creatures growling)
(creatures growling)
(man yelling)
(man yelling)
- [Gopher] Hambone.
(Hambone yelling)
- You crap folds wanna go to war?
Well, I've been to war
and I don't think you queef wads
would last one day with
the shit I've seen.
You think you're ready
to enter Hambone's world?
You wanna settle this like men
and not like the piss
flaps you know you are.
- [Gopher] Piss flaps.
- The game's called Russian Roulette.
It's a game of chance.
It's played with this revolver
and this,
a single bullet.
We take this one bad boy,
load it into this death pistol,
spin the cylinder,
put the muzzle to our
head and pull the trigger.
(gopher laughing)
(Hambone yelling)
(upbeat music)
Okay, you cut fucking
clit jackets, back up!
Let me outta here.
Or I swear to God I'll send
his brains all over this-
(gophers growling)
(Hambone screaming)
My horoscope was right.
(upbeat music)
I've been wasting my whole night
looking for some freaking gophers,
I couldn't find the damn one of them.
- Well, maybe we would've if
we left the shack and looked.
- Man, I'd rather be out
there hunting beaver.
- Oh, speaking of beaver.
- There's no time for jokes.
We have a major crisis on our hands.
It's the gophers.
These things have mutated,
while you're in here
drinking your life away
the other caddies are
out there being killed.
- Nice try tuts, like
we're gonna fall for that.
- Guys, we have a major
crisis on our hands.
It's the gophers.
They've mutated and they're
out there killing everyone.
- I don't know, yo.
A woman and a nerd?
I probably need one more side of this
to be fully committed to the idea
that there are mutated gophers
running around killing suckers.
(door creaking)
(Hambone grunting)
- Maybe I can
be of
some
assistance.
Glad I didn't die
so I could crawl here
and confirm this woman
and this nerd's story.
911 was an inside job.
(Hambone farts)
- This is rectum shit.
If there's mutated gophers out there,
I got something they can eat right here.
(rock music)
(group yelling)
- [Radio Host] This is a
special request coming out
to the cats over at the
Old Glory Olds Golf Club.
Good luck getting that mutative gopher
off your friends b-b-b-balls.
- Jab 'em!
We'll be there for you
We'll be there for you
When you've had enough
And it hasn't been your day
We'll be there for you
(gopher screeches)
- Yowzer.
(Caddies yelling)
- I think he's dead.
- Shit, he wasn't lying.
Well, now what are we gonna do?
I think we should-
- We wasn't talking to you pecker weed,
We was talking to her.
(upbeat music)
We've gotta work together
We've gotta work together
Sitting on your own
You won't get nothing done
So pick up yourself
It's better in the long run
We've got to do this together
And work at it as a team
No time for riding solo
Let's move ahead at full steam
Ah, we've gotta work together
Ah, we've got to work together
- Oh, song's over.
I guess we're ready.
- [Caddies] Yeah!
- Clear my browser history.
(gophers yelling)
(gun firing)
- Look, Becky ...
- No, you fucking look.
I don't know if I love you,
but I'm gonna need some
serious dick after this tonight
and you're gonna give it to me.
- How many of these cum boogers are there?
(gophers speaking gibberish)
(upbeat music)
(gopher screaming)
- Oh yeah, man, stereotypes.
- Yass, queen, I'm your hole in one.
(gopher laughs)
- You naughty boy!
- (laughs) what do you think?
(upbeat music)
- Bitch, where's my money?
(upbeat music)
- We outta beer, we gonna have
to do something about that.
- It's dreadful, but I've got an idea.
Let's go.
(playful music)
(tense music)
- [Gopher] He might be on to us.
(car alarm blaring)
- These tip plugs took over our shack.
We have to get them.
- There's just too many of them.
I think I know someone
who can help us out.
(rock music)
So this is my brother's
room, he's a loser.
He's pretty much in
there all day, all night
writing his blog about making bombs
and blowing up his school.
He's a real lost cause.
He's not as cool as us.
He's probably still a virgin.
- That sounds like a good setup to a joke
that's gonna come later on.
- He's probably masturbating
to the videos of the Columbine massacre.
(knocking on door)
- What do you want, we're
doing stuff in here.
- Barry, I need your help.
- My help.
You want my help?
For over 13 years, I've been oppressed
and you want my help?
It's funny how a person tries
to live life and is chastised,
but if they're helpful to your cause-
- Look, I've read your blog about how
you wanna blow up your school.
- You've read my blog?
- Yes.
And it seems like you have an idea
on how to make homemade bombs, so ...
- You read my blog?
- Dammit, Barry, you freak ...
Freaking awesome brother, yes!
So, you gonna show us how to
make homemade bombs or not?
- Okay, time to go.
(upbeat music)
- So what are we blowing up?
(upbeat rock music)
(gun fires)
- We'll never kill these scum wads.
We gotta rethink this.
Wait, I have an idea.
(upbeat rock music)
- Do it, Googie!
(gophers screaming)
(drill whirring)
(somber music)
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
- I planted out all the bombs.
Now all I have to do is
activate this last one
and press this button in.
(bleep)
(bombs explode)
(caddies laughing)
(upbeat rock music)
(gentle music)
(upbeat rock music)
Don't look at other people
Just be happy
(explosion erupts)
- Becky, what are we gonna do?
- What needs to be done, bitch.
(monster roars)
You got this Becky, just
concentrate on the bomb.
Be one with the bomb.
Be one with the bomb.
(explosion erupts)
(caddies laughing)
- Fucking kiss me.
- Whoa, did you see that
giant gopher explode?
Well, you know what that means.
That means it's the end of the movie
and that means it's the
end of your good pal.
W-W-W-Wacky Willie.
And if you didn't like the film,
you can kiss my putt.
All right kids, this is
Wacky Willy signing off,
see you in the sequel.
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and you'll be okay
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and you'll be okay
Don't be aspire to be
something that you're not
Just be yourself
And everyone else
will follow the crowd
Stand up and shout loud
Just be who you're meant to be
And you'll be free
Just be the person that you are
You're a shining star
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and be
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy's got a problem
at the local golf club
The little homie Googie
is falling in love
The gophers are scary
The gophers are tough
They're eating human flesh
They can't get enough
Wells Landon is the owner
and his always making fun
But he's got a little problem
And it's getting on the run
Hambone shoots some fertilizer
Keeping grass green
But the special chemicals
are making gophers mean
The caddies are the best,
they're world renowned
But little monsters are
putting people underground
Calling on Googie, the hero we need
But he's a little nerd
who just loves to read
Becky's a bad chick
She drives the balls far
A hole in one for the greens
in Googie's front yard
Wells Landon is worried
He calls an Hambone
He's ready for attack
But he won't alive
You bring the beers
We'll bring the rifle
But before we go out
hunting it's dance off time
Get shot
The movie has ended,
we hope you enjoyed it
Because the cast and
crew were all appointed
Jim Gordon, he's a good friend
It was a pleasure working with him
All of the actors,
they love to pretend
After this they'll never work again
We were going for R, but it's PG 13
Couldn't get no movies on that screen
We did the best we could
We hope that you loved it
Keep in mind the $2 budget
We loved doing this,
it was a ton of fun
No gophers were harmed
Maybe just one
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
- Oh!
(film reeling)
(ominous music)
(man panting)
(man groans)
(creature speaking in the distance)
(tense music)
(man screaming)
(blood squelching)
(creature laughing)
It's a beautiful day
and I'm feeling happy
I'm feeling fine
It's a beautiful day
Don't waste this sunshine
It'll be all right
It's a beautiful day
And I'm feeling happy
I'm feeling fine
It's a beautiful day
Don't waste this sunshine
It'll be all right
Sun is out
Days are long
Ice-cream in my hand
Nothing could be wrong
Bright skies hanging over my head
Feel the warmth of the sun's rays
Smiling as she said
And I know and I know
It'll be all right
And I know and I know
It'll be all right
Because it's a beautiful
day and I'm feeling happy
- [Willy] This is Wacky
Willy, the voice of
The Old's Golf Club Radio.
Yes, it's a beautiful day,
but it's gonna be a tee-riffic weekend
at the Complete and Putter
Madness Golf Tournament.
No, if, and-
(Landon yelling)
- Turn that off!
- What?
- Turn that fucking thing off!
- I can't understand you.
Let me try and cut this thing off.
- Why doesn't he just move?
- No, stop.
- Sorry about that.
- Turn that fucking thing off.
- Sometimes these old things get stuck.
Usually not a problem,
usually not pointing
right in someones face.
- Just turn that fucking thing off.
I just-
(man yells)
- Sorry.
Sorry about that.
Don't touch me with
your retarded jizz rag.
As I was saying, I just came down to say
what an amazing job you're
doing with the course.
- Well, thanks Mr. Landon.
I've been trying really hard for you.
- This weekend is a very
important weekend for me
and the club, and I couldn't
be happier with the greens.
You may be one of the biggest
pieces of worthless shit
I've ever laid eyes on,
but Goddamn, you can take care of grass.
- It's all thanks to
my special fertilizer,
it's my own secret recipe.
- That fertilizer?
That I just drank a half a gallon of?
- The very same.
- What's in that stuff?
- Nitrogen, potassium, phosphorus,
which aids in photosynthesis.
- Of course.
- Micronutrients, dechlorinate acid,
tetracycline acid, bleach, ammonia.
And of course my secret family additives.
- Which are?
- Well, sir, if I told you that,
with all due respect I'd have to kill you.
- Yes.
And this is safe for people?
- I mean, sure.
I huff it all the time and I'm fine.
- Yeah.
What about the animals?
- I haven't seen them huffing it.
- No, you boob, is it safe for them?
- Probably not.
- Oh well, fuck 'em. (laughs)
They don't pay any dues
on the greens anyway.
As long as my big money friends are safe
to knock around some balls,
that's all I care about.
(both laughing)
(siren blaring)
- Oh no.
Oh no.
Not on my good weekend.
(upbeat music)
- What you doing, Googie?
- Reading.
- Reading?
- What the hell are you reading for?
- Yeah, why you reading?
Trying to transform words
into pictures in your brain?
- I don't know.
I just like reading.
- You like reading.
- Oh, you like reading, huh?
- Yeah.
- Well, we got something for you to read.
- Yeah, read this.
It's called You, Me and Everyone.
Making life better for your
friends, family and the world.
I think it may help you with
some of the social anxiety
you seem to exude here at the club.
- Changed my life.
I think I'd still be in
the closet without this.
- You're gay, Smitty?
- Oh, I wish.
I was actually trapped in the closet.
Luckily I found this book,
grabbed it and whacked away at the door
until the handle fell off.
Saved my life.
(man panting)
(cat screeches)
- What is it, hole boy?
- Something happened on hole 15?
- It's Gordy?
What, what happened to Gordy?
- You're shitting me, hole boy.
(hole boy farts)
(indistinct)
- For the love of all
that's worth my time,
what happened here?
- Looks like one of your employees
didn't make it home last night-
- I don't care about him.
What happened to my
beautiful landscaping here?
I have the biggest tournament
of the season this weekend,
and you are putting
chalk lines on my greens.
- Sir, please listen to me.
My hat says police.
Sir.
Sir.
I'm gonna need you to stop
contaminating my crime scene.
- Your crime scene?
- That's what I said.
- You're crime scene?
What about my golf course?
I can't have my members
playing through a dead caddy.
Do you know what will happen
if my members see this?
You think they wanna
think about death here
at the Old Glory Holes Golf Club?
No, they don't.
If they wanted to think about death
they'd stay at home with their wives.
They come here to forget about death.
- Well, we at least have
to wait for an ambulance.
- The ambulance?
You wanna drive an
ambulance on my golf course?
- That's what I said, didn't I?
- On my greens?
Two days before the
biggest event of the year?
Do you know what type of
money plays through here?
Policeman's ball money,
killed an unarmed 10 year old kid,
need to not go to jail money.
- How would you like us
to get rid of the body?
- This is why I have money
and you're just some golf pig.
I have ideas, thoughts.
The best thoughts.
If you had half the
thoughts I had in one night,
you'd be, well, you wouldn't
be right here right now.
Watch and learn.
Watch and learn, stupid.
(playful music)
(body crunching)
(man farts)
(camera clicks)
- Ugh, gross.
You liquified him.
(body squelching)
- You want the real stuff? Right here.
(somber music)
- Take your place upon the wall
of heroes that have fallen before you.
Sleep now, you prince amongst princes.
You tiptoed your way into our lives,
but only for a moment you stayed.
Oh, but what an imprint your footsteps
have had upon our hearts.
- I'm gonna miss that guy.
He had the cleanest balls
of all the ball cleaners of the club.
- He had the cleanest balls ever.
- His balls were spectacular.
The shine.
- The whitest.
- The shine.
- If I had to have the
balls of any of us caddies,
and I know you guys would say the same
without shame or envy, I'd
want to have his balls.
- Staring into his balls
was like staring into the balls of God.
- No one ...
No one could do to balls
what he did to balls.
- The stroking.
- The rubbing.
- The right amount of pressure.
- You would just take his fingertips,
starting at the base of the ball,
working his way round the ball,
draining the balls holes
of dirt, and debris.
(man grunting)
Damn, hole boy.
You said what we were all thinking.
You motherfucker.
Goddamn, now I know this
mother is gonna rest in peace.
Now let's get out there
and do the best damn
caddying we've ever done.
And let's do it for Gordy!
- For Gordy!
- [All] For Gordy!
(ominous music)
- When my father handed
this golf club down to me,
he put a lot into my little hands.
He ran this golf club for 35 years,
grew it from a pitching putt
to the greatest golf club
in the tri-state area.
Now it's my turn to take the wheel,
make it even bigger and better.
My first year I started the
Complete and Putter
Madness Golf Tournament
and I've been running
it for four years now.
It's been the biggest, the
biggest golf tournament,
this club, this country
and from what I hear,
this world has ever seen,
I have a lot to worry about
leading up to the tournament.
Now I have to deal with
dead caddies on my green.
I can't have this.
Everybody knows I'm the
best golf club owner,
the very best golf club owner.
I give my members what they need.
You know what happens if I stop
giving my members what they need?
I stop getting what I want.
I stop getting the money,
the power,
the ego fulfillment.
Is that what you want?
- I'm just a groundskeeper.
- No.
Actually, that's not what any of us want.
If I lose my power, we all lose our power.
You understand?
- No, not really.
- I understand, sir.
- I can't have these
caddies ruining my big day.
- No. No.
They're wild.
They're out there screaming
and yelling, well dying.
These are not the things
that you or your member,
members should have to deal with.
No, no, no.
You've done all you can to
prevent this type of situation.
Yes, yes.
You just relax.
Let me, Miss Flannager,
your best friend and personal
assistant take care of it.
Why, a man of your stature
(giggles) should not have to deal
with this type of situation,
with skin so soft and
smelling of fresh linen.
Yes, and the shoulders of a
strong, independent woman.
I don't need no man!
- Jesus Christ with a
boner on the jew cross.
Get away from me!
- Can I go?
- My answer to this problem
is a new caddy manager,
someone who won't take any cuff
from those little shitheads.
And there's only one person I know
that can handle this mission.
My niece Becky.
(sultry music)
She knows nothing about golf.
Or the day-to-day
operations of being a caddy.
But she's family.
I see no better person for the job.
You're gonna spy for me.
I mean, you're gonna manage for me.
Oh, manage them real good for me.
Solve all my problems.
You're so sexy and beautiful.
No man cannot listen to, respect you.
Is she the most beautiful female specimen
you've ever seen?
- Damn fine, sir.
Yes. (giggles)
- If I could still get a male erection,
you know, I'd have one right now.
Bicycle accident, '84,
hasn't worked since.
- Don't worry.
I'll infiltrate that group
of mindless sperm bags
and turn this whole goddamn
caddy operation around.
I'm gonna go in there like a wrecking ball
until they all do my bidding one by one.
Believe you me.
- Oh, I do.
(all laughing)
(upbeat music)
I'm spraying these greens every day.
Gotta keep going.
Can't stop now.
This always reminds me of Vietnam!
My platoon, they're pinned down.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
I'll save you, guys.
I'll get you out.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
They're everywhere.
We got Charlie all over the place.
Oh, we're gonna get out boys.
I'll make sure we get to the chopper.
I make sure, we'll get you there.
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
I'll get the flamethrower ready!
Need the gas!
Oh.
Hello there.
How are you?
You're such a cutie.
Oh no!
How is it possible?
No, stop.
Please.
What the fuck?
- Remember me? Wacky Willy.
We're 20 minutes into the
movie, here's another song.
- No, (indistinct)
- Okay guys, settle down.
Okay guys, I have a pretty
important announcement to make.
So if you could all just settle down.
- My boombox!
(rock music)
Whoa, whoa, time out.
Boobies.
Hubba hubba.
- Okay, fellas.
What are the three ups of caddying?
- [All] Show up.
Sheep up and shut up.
- That's right, very good, very good.
So if you could all just shut
up and please try to keep up.
Yes, well, I have a very
important announcement to make.
Fellas, I'd like you to meet Becky.
She's our new caddy manager.
- What? A new manager, gimme a break.
- I'm not gonna let this
beaver boss me around.
What about Mr. Bobbi?
He's the best damned caddy
manager I've ever worked with.
- Oh, Mr. Bobbi's been
dead for two years now.
Yes. (giggles)
- I thought he was just mad at us.
- We really do have to do
something with that body.
- All right, that's not what's important.
What's important is there's
a new manager in town
and things are gonna change.
- Like how?
- Like, like no gum.
You guys can't chew gum.
- Nobody's chewing gum.
- Good, we're off to an amazing start.
You see how great I am?
- You are amazing.
Yes.
- Now, which one of you pube holes
wants to show me around
and fill me in on your
day to day around here?
- I'll fill you in, baby.
- What's your name?
- Around here ...
They call me fingers.
- Why do they call you that?
- Oh, I'm sure you'll find out.
(fingers crunching)
Oh God, my fingering fingers.
- Now they're your broken fingers.
Anyone else wanna be a smart ass?
Now I'm gonna ask again,
who wants to show me around?
You, what's your name?
- Googie.
- Well, Googie, it looks
like you've been elected.
Now get your bony ass
up and let's do this.
The rest of you get back to work
doing whatever it is you
pecker pinchers do around here.
- You're all in trouble now, yes.
- Get outta here, Flannager,
you brown nose pug wad.
- Things are gonna change around here.
Yes they are. (giggles)
- Thanks a lot guys.
(caddies laughing)
You suck, bony ass!
- Who likes reading now?
(upbeat music)
(playful music)
- No.
What are you doing?
Don't even think about it.
You are not going to take that sandwich.
It's not for you.
It's for the gophers.
He's gonna take the sandwich.
We're going to code red.
Be on alert, I repeat, be on alert.
He's gonna eat it.
He's gonna eat it.
I don't have any more
money for another hogey.
Oh, that's it.
The mission's compromised,
mission's compromised.
Abort, abort.
Drop the sandwich, son.
You take another bite
and I'll slit your throat
and I'll remove that tasty morsel
from your overstretched stomach.
Comprende?
You think I'm playing?
Go ahead, take another bite.
See if I'm playing.
Drop it.
Drop it.
There you go.
Now, get the hell outta here.
(dramatic music)
(gopher crying)
- Mission accomplished.
- So let's just say hypothetically,
I don't know anything about
golf or what a caddy does.
Tell me what you guys do around here.
- Being a caddy is a very important job,
one that gets overlooked a lot.
We're a good golfer's number one tool.
We walk the course with
them, we carry their bags.
- Couldn't they just use
a golf cart for that?
- Could a golf cart calculate
the yardage on the next pin?
Could it tell 'em what club
to use on the next shot?
Could a golf cart go ahead
and scout the shot for them?
Could it clean and locate their balls?
Rake sand traps?
And then there's weather
variables, marking the greens,
more than anything else, we ...
A caddy makes the game
more enjoyable for a golfer
by handling mental tasks,
speeding up the process,
being a support for them.
A caddy is a golfer's
best friend and confidant.
- You're kind of a loser around here.
- I don't think so.
- No, I can tell these things.
I can smell it on you.
Same way a dog can smell
when a woman's on her period.
- Is that a thing?
- Why do you let those guys pick on you?
- I don't know.
I think the guys are pretty cool dudes.
Maybe it's because I'm a
38 year old caddy trainee
and they're all championship caddies.
- Championship caddies?
- Yeah, there's a special
ranking system for caddies.
- Doi! You think I didn't know
about the ranking systems.
You think I didn't know
there was different ranks for caddies?
How could I be the caddy manager
if I don't know this stuff, huh?
- I didn't mean anything by it.
I just thought you wanted to know.
- I didn't go to Caddy Management College
for four years to have
some snot rocket trainee
thinks he knows more than I do.
- Sorry.
- You got that?
- Yeah.
- You got it?
- I said yes.
- You think I didn't go to
caddy management college?
Do you think I'm lying about that?
- I didn't even know such a thing existed.
- There is a thing and I went there.
- Okay.
- I did.
- Okay.
- I'm not lying.
- Look, I better go fish
the balls out of the lake.
- Don't blow this, Becky.
I'm not going to.
He's onto us.
No, he's not.
He knows you're a fake.
You're a fake.
We have to get him on
our side at any cost.
At any cost.
(playful music)
- That's some good gopher bait.
Alright, you son of a
bitch, let's do this.
Now I'm gonna spray you
with some of this stuff
and nothing's gonna happen.
You got nothing.
That other gopher was just a fluke.
My patented fertilizer
does not turn you fuzzy,
adorable creatures into sadistic, mutated,
blood hungry devil gophers.
Do we have an agreement?
Good, once we prove that this formula,
my fertilizer does not do the above,
I will let you go and
we'll forget all about this
and we'll go on with our happy lives.
Here we go.
Oh, just in case this does turn you
into a mutated killing machine ...
Not that it will.
Not that it will,
but just in case, I'm sorry.
And please try to remember my compassion.
Thank you.
Deliver me from thine enemies, oh God.
Defend me from those
that rise up against me.
(fertilizer spraying)
You're okay!
You're okay!
See, it wasn't my formula.
It was ...
(ominous music)
(Gopher groaning)
No, wait.
Don't do that.
(Hambone laughs)
You got, you had me.
You had me.
I'll tell you what, you really
know how to pull up a prank.
(man laughing)
Oh shit, you're not kidding.
Oh no.
Oh no.
What have you done, Hambone?
What am I gonna do?
What are you gonna do, Hambone?
You're always doing something like this.
Who knows how many of these creatures
are out there running around.
Wait, Mr. Landon.
He'll know what to do.
(creature growling)
- No,
no,
no.
This is unacceptable.
You mean to tell me that if these gophers
ingest your formula,
they turn into these little
killer freaky gophers.
- That seems to be the case.
- And you're saying there
may be more of these
mutated shitbags running around my course.
My course?
- Other than this one,
I've only seen one other.
But it's not a crazy idea to think that
there's more out there.
And we're sure this thing is dangerous?
- One attacked me on the green, sir?
- But are we certain.
- I'm 50% certain,
but there's only a 30%
chance that that's right.
- 50% certain?
Well, let's find out just how dangerous
these little flea bags can be.
Flannager!
- Yes sir?
- Stick your hand in that gopher trap.
- That trap right there, sir?
- Yes, that trap right there, Flannager.
Well, is it safe, sir?
- Safe?
Of course it's safe.
Would I lie to you?
- Oh, well there was that one time, sir.
- And I found a cream to fix it.
No harm, no foul.
- You're right there, sir.
- Of course I am.
Now stick your hand in there.
After we'll go get some mimosas.
(Miss Flannager yelling)
(intense music)
Get that disgusting thing outta here!
Have some coot.
- Sorry, sir.
It's totally my bad, sir.
- I can't let these
gophers ruin my tournament.
There's no way I can refund a hundred
of the richest, mediocre
golfers their entry fees.
I already spent half of it
on underage, wheelchair bound hookers.
This problem has to be solved
before it gets out of hand.
Our mission
is to rally the caddies
and have them round up all
these godforsaken things.
- Should I inform the troops
of the entire situation?
- Hell no.
As far as they know,
they're gonna be collecting your average,
cute and cuddly, fun-loving,
run of the mill gophers.
- Do I have clearance to
use any force necessary?
Deadly force?
- You can bomb every one
of the little bastards
as far as I care.
As long as this weekend
goes off without a hitch.
- As you know, I am disciplined.
Physically and mentally tough,
trained and proficient in
all of my warrior tasks.
I won't let you down, sir.
- God speed, Hambone.
God speed.
(downbeat music)
- Goddammit.
My old game is off today, Googie.
- You just gotta relax and keep calm.
You topped that drive
and your game's been preoccupied
for the last three holes.
- I know I topped the drive.
You don't think I know that?
That's not it at all.
- Just stay in the present.
- What do you think? I'm in 1990,
back when I actually enjoyed
some part of my life?
- And don't just focus
on your individual shots.
Focus on the pieces of the shots.
- Pieces of my shots?
- Now you got a tough
putt here, all right?
So put your head in the
preparation process, all right?
Find a safe target, aim your club face.
Align your body.
Arm back.
All right, buddy.
Now let her go.
- Dammit, you never let me down, Googie.
Ah, I guess my head's just all messed up
'cause this broad is out here.
- Excuse me?
- What, did you fart?
- I find it offensive
that you called me a broad
and you think the mere presence of a woman
would throw off your precious golf game.
- Look, lady, I don't like
women on my course, all right?
So if you're gonna be here,
why don't you go get me
a drink or something.
- I don't think she's
messing up your game.
You just have to relax and stay cool.
She might even be a good luck charm.
She's our new caddy manager.
She's been four years at Caddy College.
She probably knows more
about golf than both of us.
- Caddy College?
What in tarnation is Caddy College.
- You think just because I
don't have a stinky wiener
between my legs that I can't
know anything about golf?
- That's exactly what I'm trying to say.
I mean, we give you women Mondays, right?
Who do you think you are to
weasel your way around here
every other day of the week
trying to ruin our fun?
I mean, it's cute that you girls try.
- Cute how we try.
How we try?
- I don't think he meant-
- I mean that I'm sick and
tired of these chuckleheaded,
broad burden, femaNazis
trying to change everything
that we red blooded Americans
have come to know and love.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I
gotta get back to my game.
- I do mind.
And I bet I could hit
one of these ball things
farther than you could.
- You think you could hit
the drive better than me?
- You bet your old wrinkly balls I do.
- Becky, I don't know
if this is a good idea.
- I don't have to take this from him.
- Feisty this one.
- Psst.
Becky, psst.
Psst.
- Look, I know this guy's an asshole
but he's one of the
wealthiest club members.
We can't afford to piss him off,
but Mr. Landon won't be
pleased if this guy complains.
- Fuck Mr. Landon.
(upbeat music)
- You ready out there, Googie?
Let's see you do better than that?
- Dammit.
- (laughs) Oh, what's the matter, girly?
Not as good as you thought you were, huh?
- You've got this, Becky.
Just concentrate on the ball.
Be one with the ball.
(Googie groaning)
- Googie.
- Oh, my balls.
It's okay, nice shot.
- Best out of three.
Best outta five.
- Not again! (groans)
- Best out of 11.
- Nothing like a mid-afternoon brew break.
- Work hard, party hard,
that's what I always say.
- Do you Stan? Do you?
- I say it all the time.
- I haven't heard you say
that once this whole film.
- It's my first scene.
- Any of you guys ever
hear Stanny boy here
say work hard, party hard.
- No.
- What are you saying, Biggles?
Are you saying I can't party hard?
- Yeah, that's exactly
what the Biggles is saying.
You can't party hard, Stan.
And you certainly can't party
harder than the Biggles.
- I work hard and I party hard
and I can party harder
than every one of you.
- Party harder than all of us?
You gotta be kidding, Stan.
- You gotta be kidding, Stan.
- Shit son, the Biggels was partying hard
when you were still
sucking on your mama's tit.
- Your mom's tit, Stan.
- Leave my mom outta this.
She's dead, you know?
- My condolences, Stan.
- You know that's probably
why she laid there
when I was giving her the world
famous Biggle special, Stan.
- The Biggle special, Stan.
- That's it.
That's it, man!
We're gonna settle this like men.
- [All] Party off, party off, party off.
- Quiet. Quiet!
There's no time for a party off right now.
We've got pressing matters to discuss.
- Is there time for a quick dance off?
(playful music)
- Okay.
(caddies cheer)
But make it quick!
(upbeat music)
- So, you and your little gopher buddies
think you can just come in here
and ruin everything I've ever worked for?
Like you own this land or something.
There's plenty of other
places for your kind to go.
When this tournament's over,
I'm gonna build a wall.
The biggest damn wall you
gophers have ever seen.
You're lucky you don't have any money.
I'd make the whole lot of you pay for it.
Then finally, me and my friends,
the good people of the
Old Glory Holes Golf Club
will be free of nuisances like you.
Yeah, I'd like to see
you get in here then.
Nobody gets a drop on Wells Landon.
(cage rattles)
Christ!
Hey, hey, hey.
How you doing?
You know that stuff I was saying,
you don't think I meant any of it, do you?
Hey, we can talk about this.
We can negotiate it.
I got a lot of friends who are gophers.
Some of my best friends are gophers.
I like you guys so much
that I'm gonna let you join my club.
- No, the rich can't die like this.
No!
(gophers growling)
- Men, all this stuff
you hear about caddies
not wanting to work and only wanting
to goof off and party hard
is a load of bullocky.
Caddies love to work.
A caddy must be alert at all times
if he expects to keep his job.
- Where are you going with this, Hambone?
- Come on, man.
I got a whole speech to do here.
- Make it quick, the
Biggles has partying to do.
There will be no partying
for you boys tonight,
for each caddy must not
think only of himself,
but must think of the golfers
that walk these greens every day.
- What are you telling us, Hambone?
We gotta stay late?
- This is bunk, dog.
- It's not bunk.
And would you guys let
me finish my speech?
I worked really hard on it.
- Forget this, I got stuff to do.
- Be seated.
- Oh Jesus.
- Listen up, you no good bitch wipes.
You're all staying and no one's leaving
until your mission is complete.
There comes a point in every caddy's life
when he must decide if
he is a boy or a man.
Sure, we might hate our jobs.
Sure, we might go home
and look in the mirror
and pray to a God we
know isn't even listening
to have just a bit of
mercy and end our lives.
Sure, we may go home,
cover our genitalia in peanut butter
only to remember your dog
died three years prior,
but that is not today.
Today we go out there as boys
and we will return heroes.
- Yeah!
- We will return men.
One day when you're sitting
in your favorite chair
and your grandkids ask you
what the greatest day of your life was,
it will be this day.
And they will look at you with pride
spewing out of their eyes like diarrhea.
Like diarrhea!
Now let's get out there and
give them everything we got!
- [All] Yeah!
- Make me proud boys!
Make me proud!
- Yeah!
- [Caddies] Proud, proud,
proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud.
- Oh, shit, I forgot to tell
them what they were doing.
Hey guys, guys!
- What's Hambone's damage, man?
He's got us out here like
we're animal control.
I know, right? We should be by the pool
drinking a cold can of ...
Booze!
- Hold it!
- It looks like today's my lucky day.
(tense music)
(creature laughing)
- Oh my face.
So not cool.
- You stupid fool.
That's what you get for
taking another man's, booze!
(creature laughing)
- I'm really happy you
showed that golfer up.
But did you have to go
best of 37 with him?
- I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to hit you in the
down there every time.
- I'm not even sure he was
using regulation balls.
They seemed wide.
You managed to hit me in
the plumbs every time.
But I can't give you all the credit.
It must have gotten
easier as they swelled up.
- You probably didn't even have to be
standing out there to judge.
We could have just walked to the balls.
- Yeah, that's good to know now.
- I had a great time
with you today, Googie.
- Me too.
My sperm holders, not so much,
but I had a really great time.
- I know you had to be forced
into showing me the ropes around here,
but I'm glad it was you.
- I'm glad it was me too.
- Look, there's something
I have to tell you.
- Is it gonna hurt my feelings?
- Why would you ask that?
- Because no one ever says,
I've got to tell you something
if it's gonna be good news.
- Would it help if I told you in song?
- It might.
- Yo, keyboard guy,
lay me down something noice!
(lively music)
There's a thing I've
been meaning to tell ya
I'm hoping that you feel the same
I see you on the green and
my heart just starts melting
Even though you probably
don't have much game
I'm balls deep
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
I'm balls deep
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
My love swells
Just like my balls
I swung so well
And I caught them all
Sorry, I hit you with every shot
My balls still hurt
but I like you a lot
I'm getting wet
Like the balls in the lake
Feel kind of bad I
took this on as a fake
You mean you lied
My uncle said you guys were rebels
Who knew I could fall
in love this fast
Who knew I could fall
in love this fast
Don't go
I gotta go
'Cause I'm still balls deep
I'm pulling out
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
Pulling out
Balls deep
I'm balls deep in love
Balls deep in love
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
Pulling out
(man groaning)
- I can't believe she lied to me
even after we made up that
impromptu song right on the spot.
Balls deep, balls deep in love.
- Oh no, not Cliff.
Everybody loved Cliff.
Who would do this to poor, sweet Cliff?
- Wassup?
- Hey little gopher, nice guy.
Oh, oh my.
(creature laughing)
- I'm done.
And before you tell me
you knew I couldn't do it
because I have a pussy.
That's not it.
(creature growling)
(dramatic music)
(creatures growling)
(creatures growling)
(man yelling)
(man yelling)
- [Gopher] Hambone.
(Hambone yelling)
- You crap folds wanna go to war?
Well, I've been to war
and I don't think you queef wads
would last one day with
the shit I've seen.
You think you're ready
to enter Hambone's world?
You wanna settle this like men
and not like the piss
flaps you know you are.
- [Gopher] Piss flaps.
- The game's called Russian Roulette.
It's a game of chance.
It's played with this revolver
and this,
a single bullet.
We take this one bad boy,
load it into this death pistol,
spin the cylinder,
put the muzzle to our
head and pull the trigger.
(gopher laughing)
(Hambone yelling)
(upbeat music)
Okay, you cut fucking
clit jackets, back up!
Let me outta here.
Or I swear to God I'll send
his brains all over this-
(gophers growling)
(Hambone screaming)
My horoscope was right.
(upbeat music)
I've been wasting my whole night
looking for some freaking gophers,
I couldn't find the damn one of them.
- Well, maybe we would've if
we left the shack and looked.
- Man, I'd rather be out
there hunting beaver.
- Oh, speaking of beaver.
- There's no time for jokes.
We have a major crisis on our hands.
It's the gophers.
These things have mutated,
while you're in here
drinking your life away
the other caddies are
out there being killed.
- Nice try tuts, like
we're gonna fall for that.
- Guys, we have a major
crisis on our hands.
It's the gophers.
They've mutated and they're
out there killing everyone.
- I don't know, yo.
A woman and a nerd?
I probably need one more side of this
to be fully committed to the idea
that there are mutated gophers
running around killing suckers.
(door creaking)
(Hambone grunting)
- Maybe I can
be of
some
assistance.
Glad I didn't die
so I could crawl here
and confirm this woman
and this nerd's story.
911 was an inside job.
(Hambone farts)
- This is rectum shit.
If there's mutated gophers out there,
I got something they can eat right here.
(rock music)
(group yelling)
- [Radio Host] This is a
special request coming out
to the cats over at the
Old Glory Olds Golf Club.
Good luck getting that mutative gopher
off your friends b-b-b-balls.
- Jab 'em!
We'll be there for you
We'll be there for you
When you've had enough
And it hasn't been your day
We'll be there for you
(gopher screeches)
- Yowzer.
(Caddies yelling)
- I think he's dead.
- Shit, he wasn't lying.
Well, now what are we gonna do?
I think we should-
- We wasn't talking to you pecker weed,
We was talking to her.
(upbeat music)
We've gotta work together
We've gotta work together
Sitting on your own
You won't get nothing done
So pick up yourself
It's better in the long run
We've got to do this together
And work at it as a team
No time for riding solo
Let's move ahead at full steam
Ah, we've gotta work together
Ah, we've got to work together
- Oh, song's over.
I guess we're ready.
- [Caddies] Yeah!
- Clear my browser history.
(gophers yelling)
(gun firing)
- Look, Becky ...
- No, you fucking look.
I don't know if I love you,
but I'm gonna need some
serious dick after this tonight
and you're gonna give it to me.
- How many of these cum boogers are there?
(gophers speaking gibberish)
(upbeat music)
(gopher screaming)
- Oh yeah, man, stereotypes.
- Yass, queen, I'm your hole in one.
(gopher laughs)
- You naughty boy!
- (laughs) what do you think?
(upbeat music)
- Bitch, where's my money?
(upbeat music)
- We outta beer, we gonna have
to do something about that.
- It's dreadful, but I've got an idea.
Let's go.
(playful music)
(tense music)
- [Gopher] He might be on to us.
(car alarm blaring)
- These tip plugs took over our shack.
We have to get them.
- There's just too many of them.
I think I know someone
who can help us out.
(rock music)
So this is my brother's
room, he's a loser.
He's pretty much in
there all day, all night
writing his blog about making bombs
and blowing up his school.
He's a real lost cause.
He's not as cool as us.
He's probably still a virgin.
- That sounds like a good setup to a joke
that's gonna come later on.
- He's probably masturbating
to the videos of the Columbine massacre.
(knocking on door)
- What do you want, we're
doing stuff in here.
- Barry, I need your help.
- My help.
You want my help?
For over 13 years, I've been oppressed
and you want my help?
It's funny how a person tries
to live life and is chastised,
but if they're helpful to your cause-
- Look, I've read your blog about how
you wanna blow up your school.
- You've read my blog?
- Yes.
And it seems like you have an idea
on how to make homemade bombs, so ...
- You read my blog?
- Dammit, Barry, you freak ...
Freaking awesome brother, yes!
So, you gonna show us how to
make homemade bombs or not?
- Okay, time to go.
(upbeat music)
- So what are we blowing up?
(upbeat rock music)
(gun fires)
- We'll never kill these scum wads.
We gotta rethink this.
Wait, I have an idea.
(upbeat rock music)
- Do it, Googie!
(gophers screaming)
(drill whirring)
(somber music)
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
- I planted out all the bombs.
Now all I have to do is
activate this last one
and press this button in.
(bleep)
(bombs explode)
(caddies laughing)
(upbeat rock music)
(gentle music)
(upbeat rock music)
Don't look at other people
Just be happy
(explosion erupts)
- Becky, what are we gonna do?
- What needs to be done, bitch.
(monster roars)
You got this Becky, just
concentrate on the bomb.
Be one with the bomb.
Be one with the bomb.
(explosion erupts)
(caddies laughing)
- Fucking kiss me.
- Whoa, did you see that
giant gopher explode?
Well, you know what that means.
That means it's the end of the movie
and that means it's the
end of your good pal.
W-W-W-Wacky Willie.
And if you didn't like the film,
you can kiss my putt.
All right kids, this is
Wacky Willy signing off,
see you in the sequel.
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and you'll be okay
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and you'll be okay
Don't be aspire to be
something that you're not
Just be yourself
And everyone else
will follow the crowd
Stand up and shout loud
Just be who you're meant to be
And you'll be free
Just be the person that you are
You're a shining star
Don't look at other people
Just be happy with who you are
Don't follow the crowd of the masses
Be yourself and be
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy's got a problem
at the local golf club
The little homie Googie
is falling in love
The gophers are scary
The gophers are tough
They're eating human flesh
They can't get enough
Wells Landon is the owner
and his always making fun
But he's got a little problem
And it's getting on the run
Hambone shoots some fertilizer
Keeping grass green
But the special chemicals
are making gophers mean
The caddies are the best,
they're world renowned
But little monsters are
putting people underground
Calling on Googie, the hero we need
But he's a little nerd
who just loves to read
Becky's a bad chick
She drives the balls far
A hole in one for the greens
in Googie's front yard
Wells Landon is worried
He calls an Hambone
He's ready for attack
But he won't alive
You bring the beers
We'll bring the rifle
But before we go out
hunting it's dance off time
Get shot
The movie has ended,
we hope you enjoyed it
Because the cast and
crew were all appointed
Jim Gordon, he's a good friend
It was a pleasure working with him
All of the actors,
they love to pretend
After this they'll never work again
We were going for R, but it's PG 13
Couldn't get no movies on that screen
We did the best we could
We hope that you loved it
Keep in mind the $2 budget
We loved doing this,
it was a ton of fun
No gophers were harmed
Maybe just one
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
Caddy Hack
- Oh!
(film reeling)